#it’s been so long since I wrote a poem idk how to tag this lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

engagedtobefree · 2 months

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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

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katyobsesses · 3 years

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I've decided to do that fic ask thing that's been floating around even though I haven't been tagged <3

how many works do you have on AO3?

22... apparently? three of those are fic book covers though.

what’s your total AO3 word count?

139,883 words

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

On AO3? 3. In general? 4 or 5 i think? I currently write for Glee and Marvel on my AO3 (there's also one Yuri On Ice fic) and I've previously written (and published) for Harry Potter on FF.Net. I do also have a few outlines/ideas for Merlin fics floating around my google docs but I've never posted any, and I used to write Twilight fics back in the day.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ain't No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) Book Cover with 222 kudos (Marvel published 2016) --A book cover for a popular Stucky fic

A Punch In The Face with 101 kudos (Marvel published 2014) --A Young Avengers drabble of sorts, Teddy/Billy meet cute

Express Your Love with 81 kudos (Marvel published 2014) --I cannot remember what this is, I think it's Stony? Something about Tony never saying 'I Love You' to steve but instead showing his love through actions?

In A Previous Life with 77 kudos (Marvel published 2014) --A drabble of sorts. Billy and Tommy talk to Wanda about their life with her before they were reincarnated.

Putting a Punching Bag in the Workshop was Tony's Best Idea Ever with 64 kudos (Marvel published 2014) --Basically what it says on the tin. Stony. Tony is distracted by Steve's arse as he boxes.

Annoyingly these are all fics I'm not that proud of, but they're older so the kudos amounts make sense i guess 🙄 the next most Kudos'd is one I am proud of though - “You took EVERYTHING from me.” with 58 Kudos (2019) - Basically a little oneshot of what I thought could have happened in the 5 years everyone was dusted and how I thought they might have introduced Billy and Tommy into the MCU, it was going to create a whole 'verse but then we got confirmation on things like Kate Bishop and Cassie Lang and Spiderman Far From Home came out and I dropped the ideas. But I still like this fic.

do you respond to comments, why or why not?

most of the time, yes, though sometimes I leave them sitting for too long and then feel awkward about replying to them and i don't (*cough* most of my comments on WTNY(ibwfy) *cough*)

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

probably In Paris With You which I'd forgotten about until scrolling through my fics! I wrote this, orginally, way back in like... 2011 based on a poem of the same name that got stuck in my head as i studied it for my English GCSE. but it's been updated and changed like 3 times since then.

Also my fic As long as I'm here as I am, so are you is rather angsty. Basically Kurt is listening to Ben Platt's album Sing to Me Instead and one song reminds him of Finn. (because it reminded me of them)

do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I've never written a crossover, though I think I once toyed around with some sort of Harry Potter crossover that never made the light of day, I can't remember what it was with though... maybe Merlin?

have you ever received hate on a fic?

not on AO3! But I did have someone call my OC in One More New Direction a Mary Sue on FF.net which wasn't nice, and someone else said they hated my characterisation of Mercedes in a chapter which was weird because Mercedes wasn't even in the chapter it was just my OC talking about her and her impression of her.

do you write smut? if so what kind?

I've tried, multiple times, in my 10+ years of fic writing, but i just can't do it. Maybe it's because I'm Asexual? it just always feels weird even after I've read smut as, like, revision. I feel like a lot of the characters are, like, ace by proxy because i don't know how to write characters being motivated by sex.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope! Not that I know of anyway

have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

have you ever co-written a fic before?

not that I remember? I vaguely remember being a Beta for someone like 10 years ago though.

what’s your all time favourite ship?

I honestly don't know! I've definately written mostly Klaine, but I'm such a multishipper that I have no clue. I'm really loving writing Hevans rn mostly because we are lacking Hevans content which is criminal. actually, fun fact, my fic Welcome To New York (it's been waiting for you) was originally going to be Klaine, but as i was writing the outline I fell back into the Hevans hole and decided to switch it up. I'm glad i did because it would have gotten nowhere as a Klaine fic!

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

If i don't think I'll finish something I don't post it. I have a graveyard of fics half drafted.

what are your writing strengths?

I honestly don't know. I like writing dialogue and I know I'm good at portraying something with a small amount of words but you'll have to ask my readers 😊 (in fact, if you've read my stuff please let me know what you think my strengths are! I'm honestly curious!)

what are your writing weaknesses?

I'm terrible at stretching a scene into something bigger if it warrents it. Like i said I'm good at portraying something with few words but sometimes I feel like that throws the pacing off. I use a lot of paragraphs because of that, to make the reader pause and reflect until the next line or to show that the character is pausing and reflecting. idk man. I also hate writing dates, which is annoying because WYNY(ibwfy) is mostly dates. I've been on one in my life and it was shit so i have no idea how to write one lol.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think that, unless you don't want the reader to know what is being said or the words used are obvious in context, that you should write it in english EG: --"Merci!" Kurt said.-- is fine but if you want to write something longer I would do something like --"hello my name is Kurt Hummel and I love scarfs" Kurt said in french-- or something, it depends on the context.

Actually, going back to In Paris With You. Kurt is french in that, and it's from Blaine's POV so when Kurt speaks french it's in french with Blaine translating what he can in the narration. He's not meant to be able to understand Kurt perfectly, so the audience doesn't either. But if I was writing, say, Kurt and Sebastian talking to each other in French from Kurt's POV I'd write it in english so that audience can also understand that Kurt understands.

(does that make sense?)

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. definately Harry Potter! It was how i got into fanfiction, and how i got into glee <3 JKR is a horrible person, but her books - and especially the fandom surrounding them - mean a lot to me.

what’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I have no idea. I'm really liking my Love and Friendship series right now, and I love One More New Direction because it got me through - is getting me through - this crazy couple of years. so probably them? I also really love (that makes you) The Scarlet Witch which is kind of like a character analysis of Wanda that I wrote after watching WandaVision.

#long post #katy writes #katywrites #fanfiction #glee #mcu #marvel #harry potter #ao3 #me

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stevethehairington · 4 years

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Tagged by: the lovely @scimitar-and-longsword 💕💕

Name(s): my name is Mack, and if this also includes like usernames too then my ao3 is macksdramaticshenanigans and obviously yall can see my tumblr url lol. i have a fandom twitter but i hate twitter so i barely go on it lmao.

Fandom(s): oh boy haha this is a loooong list. as of right now, the main fandoms i’m involved in are The Old Guard and Trust FX, but in the past i’ve written for Skam, Marvel, Good Omens, Love Simon/Simon vs., Shameless, and IT. and ofc there are some fandoms i have not written for that i casually enjoy as well.

Where you post: all my fics are posted on ao3! or are sitting in my wips folder lol. i’ve ocsasionally posted some snippets of writing here to tumblr, but none of those are like full on, proper fics, mostly just me rambling off some thoughts i had about whatever characters in whatever scenarios

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): Imagine Being Loved By Me (918 kudos) ((so close to 1k holy shit!!!! if it got to 1k i think i’d actually die of happiness omg)) this is my Good Omens smut fic lmfao, crowley is fantasizing and aziraphale makes it a reality skgjsd. i’m actually pretty damn pleased with how this one turned out, and i never expected it to get that many kudos so that makes me ridiculously happy sfjgfg. (and also podfixx made a podfic of this fic which made me INSANELY happy like that is the coolest thing ever)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter (by kudos): I Have Hella Feelings For You (697 kudos) ahhh this one!! this one is actually my very first ever chaptered fic!! it’s a skam fic, and i have the most distinctive memory of me sititng in my dorm bed freshman year of college, furiously typing away at my laptop everyday for a week because i somehow managed to post a chapter every day until it was finished, which meant i was writing a new chapter everyday. like damn, i really peaked with that huh? lmao

Favorite story you’ve written so far: ahh okay not to like. toot my own horn kgfldg but this question is HARD bc i have a lot of favorites. i’m going to pick a favorite from each of my main fandoms i’ve written for because i’m an Indecisive Hoe okay fdjdf.

- From Marvel: Just Called To Say I Love You this one is my wrong number stucky fic and i actually adore this one so much, and also it actually ended up being WAY more popular than i expected it to? like i was lowkey shook by how many people liked it

- From Skam: If You Love Me, If You Hate Me so. about this one. it’s probably my favorite skam fic that i’ve written. but. it also is the utter bane of my existence bc this is the one and only fic i have ever written and posted that i haven’t fnished gskgjfdlfs. it’s going on soon to be a little over 2 years of sitting on my account as an unfinished wip, but i REFUSE to mark it as abandoned bc i really genuienly DO want to finish it, i just havent written for this fandom in a while and inspiration/motivation is tricky yknow? but anyways. this fic is my soccer au!! it was a gift for a secret santa exchange i believe to a dear friend of mine and i still feel awful that i never finished it but. one day!!

- From Love Simon/Simon vs.: Where I Like You Best i am actually obsessed with this one. is that weird to say about your own fic? i enjoy reading a good soulmate au, but writing them has always been SO daunting to me bc i never feel like my ideas are original enough or like things that havent been done a lot for that trope. but for this one!!! omg i found the BEST prompt for it and it fit these characters SO well and i wrote it and i ended up absolutely loving how it turned out, and i was so proud of myself for writing a pretty successful soulmate au.

- From Shameless: Wooden Floors, Walls, and Window Sills so this one was my second ever gallavich fic, and it’s probably my favorite because i think it’s the best characterization i got of them in all of my fics, and good characterization is one of the most important things to me when i write fic.

- From IT: To What We Might Do is my favorite reddie fic i’ve written! i definitely projected onto richie a teeny tiny bit in it for some parts lmfao, but yeah idk i just love how this one turned out a whole lot, and i enjoyed how i ended it too (esp since endings can be very difficult for me lol). ((BUT also a special shoutout to my fic Imagine Me and You, I Do bc that one is just pure fluff and i adore the concept of someone being just so absolutely in love with someone doing something so incredibly simple and it just rocks their world)

- From Good Omens: I Want To Know What Love Is (did i use the most cheesy title ever? absolutely. do i love it? absolutely.) anyways this fic is one where crowley the demon experiences love and promptly thinks he’s dying.

Fic you were nervous to post: ooh, i mean i’m always pretty anxious about any fic i post because i never know if it’s going to be recepted well or if people are going to like it or hate it or if anyone is even going to read it or repsond to it. especially if the fic is a gift for someone, because i just really want that person to like it yknow? but yeah idk if theres one in particular i was more nervous to post than any others... i guess maybe any smut fic? just bc i never know if the smut is even any good lol

How do you choose your titles?: eaaaaasy, i usually pick song lyrics lol, ocassionally i’ve used lines from a poem, and a few times i’ve gone with a pun, but mostly it’s song lyrics. i usually find a song with lyrics that i think will fit, or if there’s a particular song that vibes well with the fic or that i listened to repeatedly while writing the fic i’ll try to pick the best lyric from that one.

Do you outline?: yes and no lol. it honestly depends. sometimes i outline extensively, but other times i just sit in front of a doc and let whatever happens happen.

Complete: on my ao3 account i have 80 works completed (will be 81 once i finally finish that one single unfinished wip i have posted gahhh). but i know in my wips folder i have a at least one finished fic that i have not and probably will not post. there are also some other things in my wips folder that like technically could be conisdered finished too, but it’s not up to my posting standards so until i fix it so it is it’ll just sit there lol.

In-Progress: honestly there are too many to count lol. i have a shiiiiiit ton of wips (as yall will know if you saw that one ‘tell us about ALL your wips’ tag game post that was going around that i did lol).

Coming soon/not yet started: tbh see above answer bc it’s pretty much the same lol.

Prompts?: so the thing about prompts is that i would LOVE to take them, but it’s very very tricky bc i’m a super specific kind of gal and if i don’t vibe with the prompt it’s very difficult for me to write anything for it. but then there’s also the fact that inspiration/motivation are fickle bitches and they come and go as they please and so taking prompts is hard bc i never know if the stars will align and all that jazz for me to be in the ~ right mood ~ to work on a prompt. this is the exact reason why i have SO MANY sitting in my inbox right now, and i feel so bad for just letting them sit there but ughhh brain function?? how?? lol

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: sooooo i don’t necessarily have any specific works in progress right now (i’ve been so busy lately that writing has been the last thing on my mind and so i haven’t touched anything in weeks) but. i guess if i can ever get my shit together and finish the primo fic i’m close to finishing i’m pretty excited to post that! or honestly if i can actually get myself to finish any of the tog wips i have i’d be suuuper excited to post any of those bc i have not yet posted any tog fics!!

anways!! if you made it to this point thanks for sticking w me and reading through my long winded rambly answers lmao

Tagging: @peachykoya @wandering-scholar-lad @raynertodd @cluelessheroes @pinesboi @thewolvesrunwild @1derspark

#tag game #my wips #mack writes

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cobalt-penguin · 4 years

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y’know what i’m still feeling annoyed and petty, plus i’m stuck inside and it’s storming out so why not type out a checklist of what everyone in TOW did to me.

since i am mean and manipulative, petty and pathetic, and so much more? why not bring up some old beef and give ya’ll something to eat.

Gansey: tried repeatedly to instigate drama -- if not actively break up -- my OC ships by encouraging -- through IC shenanigans -- cheating and lying. One of these happened while I was on vacation with my family and i still remember crying about it in a hotel bathroom because i thought one of my few ships in the RP was over and I hadn’t even been asked about it. This also included trying to get his OC Tomas to make IC/OOC (hey you can feign innocence when it’s in that dubiously OOC space, until its receptive in which case you can say it was IC the whole time!) at one of my ship partner’s OCs. Made repeated fat jokes at one of my fat characters (the same one they were clearly trying to get away from their partner...hmm...). Claimed I was always running to vague on my personal. Fair enough, I did, but they did the same thing. In poem form. Never answered my message about leaving the RP group because they felt ‘disrespected” by it. Repeatedly including untagged dubcon/noncon elements on the dashboard and triggering me. Lying to Ivy and me about having a full Overwatch party then trying to say “oh it just emptied you can join now”. hid this “FAR” idea from the rest of the RP community and then played coy when they got found out and asked about it by another anon (not me). Made fun of other RP groups in Tumblr tags then, when I asked them and their friends not to, was told “we’re a step above them.” Saying I was excluding them from things when I asked to play OW with them AND invited them to my horror RP group AND, only months beforehand, were inviting them to my Marvel RP??Trying to emotionally manipulate me through threatening to kill characters they had obviously grown tired of playing (probably because their major connections were to me and not their other friends) -- “haha i’m probably going to kill (my oc) idk but doesn’t that make you upset?? what will (your character) even do??” Engaging in nasty “”IC”” interactions with my character, basically telling me, through them, off, and being supported by the entire community in doing so. All of this really hurt me because I considered Gansey a friend and a major inspiration at one point in my life. Someone I non-jokingly looked up to and trusted. I feel like Gansey left TAR, our first RP group, because of how controlling, self-interested, petty, and mean-spirited the admins there were. That they were limiting other people’s creativity while building up their own narrative -- everyone else just there to be their audience. But you and Roman literally became Usa and Jen. Congrats. You lived long enough to become everything you’d rebelled against. And yes Gansey -- I saw all of your messages to everyone. Emotionally manipulating others -- telling them how terrible you are you don’t deserve their friendship, but would like to -- isn’t an apology. Its a tactic. Do better in the future. And despite me “blocking” you? There were a hundred ways to still reach out to me if that was what you really wanted. But let’s be real. It wasn’t. That was part of your gambit to. Goodbye.

Rosie: asked literally EVERYONE about what had happened with the ““TOW explosion”” except me. never even asked my side of the story. Rosie I don’t even get because the other admins treated her like shit -- making her do all the coding and technical components for the entire RP -- but she was still defending them to the end. Okay. And then to treat Shelly like utter SHIT even though Reyne was running her passive-aggressive mouth off about people who couldn't even defend themselves? Amazing. Yeah, she’s the bully. Your perspective was so twitested by your biases that you were ready to victim blame Shelly just because Reyne had to run at the sight of someone actually throwing their bulltshit back at them.

Reyne: Like Gansey, frequently indulged in cheating/cucking scnearios for fun -- again, including my own characters without asking or telling me. Don’t think Reyne ever apologized for this, IC or OOC. Dropped ships with me repeatedly -- leaving the group even -- without a word. Passive-aggressive to the max. Made a ship with Gansey just to play out her Teen Wolf OTP -- something that will never not be funny to me, when she called Gansey’s “character” Stiles. Smooth.

Frankii: Repeatedly dropped me and my characters from plots. Gave me one of the most hurtful comments of my RP community by essentially being like “maybe if your plots and characters weren’t so confusing than more people would want to RP with you.” Invited to join my horror RP group and never made a character. also told me this after Gansey wrote that enormous callout about me, that Roman piggybacked on while the getting was good: “also I'm not here to advocate on behalf of my friend but I really don't think Gansey was trying to be rude last night, they can come off a certain way when they're stressed.” COOL. The rest of Frankii’s message I really appreciated, at the time, but, surprise surprise, then despite us being “cool” they never spoke to me again.

Laura: I actually really liked Laura tbh but I guess she didn’t feel the same. Some of our interactions back in TAR were actually some of my favorites. I invited her to join my horror RP group and she never made a character. When I asked about this -- and if she needed any help making someone or wanted to leave -- she said she was working on it. Basically stonewalled me over time. Honestly though? Not a lot to say I actually think Laura is a good writer and pretty cool. Its just obvious who her friends were and I, stupidly, thought I was included in that.

Anna: Actually I really liked Anna too tbh but I guess I vastly overestimated our friendship? It happens. Dropped me from one of her plots -- after talking to me about including me in one of hers because she felt “obligated” basically, from being featured in my own -- without mentioning why or talking to me about it. Invited to join new RP -- refused (not mad about this, just making note of it). Refused to follow my new account when I lost my old one because “lol they’re such a furry”.

Roman: lmao where to even start. Roman was condescending and elitist literally from the beginning of TAR. barely acknowledged my existence until he had to.I started a plot with an open invitation to the entire RP group, with a deadline so I could start writing. Roman waits until its over and complains that they were left out. I include him anyway. Roman mocks the fact that I ask to tag or outright remove aphrodisiac dust -- because I don’t like seeing untagged dubcon/noncon on my dashboard, it upsets me a lot -- and then goes on a whole thread about it after I go to bed and can’t even defend myself. Apparently told his friends not to invite me to things because he doesn’t like me??? And then he has the nerve to be like communication is key and you can come talk anytime??? While having me on their public “friends” list with a description about me on his blog??? omfg...I literally can’t. To this day. Actually let this image speak for itself.

Everything Else: The repeated, childish treatment of strippers as immoral (””your character is stripping?? my character is so upset and is going to protect them!!”). The implication that characters who were stripping were also automatically sex workers. The continued references to my character, who owned this establishment, as being sleazy and manipulative. Also, honestly, what was with ya’ll adopting some random teenager into your OW groups? That was weird af. And then bringing some random person into TOW without asking anyone and trying to pull rank like “we’re the admin team and we can do whatever we want”. and shit-talking Meg and me in your “open forum” when all we wanted to do was get on with out lives. Like? Who cares? Ya’ll didn’t want me, at least, there anyway, clearly. You don’t get to exclude me then talk about how disrespectful and “wrong” the way I left was..........

Me: I didn’t do everything perfectly either. I know I could be passive-aggressive. I could be self-interested. I could make bitter comments. I dealt with feeling angry and upset by making memes -- which, I’m gonna be honest, I get why ya’ll were upset but I don’t regret either. I had spent so long in TAR/TOW with nobody interested in my characters and plots -- originally because I didn’t vid and played furries but, later, well.........see above -- that I did focus on my own narrative. I wasn’t invited to plots. I didn’t have sexy vampires and boy band werewolves. I played weird characters that didn’t fit the common niche of the cast of an angst and hookup filled supernatural YA novel. Maybe my plots were confusing but, honestly? It was because they were always going to be in the background. I wasn’t disinterested in anyone’s stories. I had just been left out of them for so long -- having to beg to even be a mention in a single mention -- that I had to make my own. I wasn’t there to just be an audience member to be aghast by Roman’s newest quirky boy or Gansey’s newest possessed twink. I was a writer. A member of the community. And, at the time? I thought a friend. Someone who deserved appreciation and respect.

I know who my true friends are now. We did, ironically, exactly what you did -- we have out own group, our own setting, our own community.

And I still live with the mean and manipulative things YALL said everyday. Even as an adult -- even with everything I’ve accomplished and am so proud of -- I’m still traumatized by being treated so poorly -- for years -- and not even realizing it. Something I’m still working on -- one of the many reasons I still have trust issues to this day. Congrats. That’s your legacy on me. aNYWAY

byeeeeeee

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fandomn00blr · 4 years

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Author Interview

Tagged by @charlatron for these questions a long, long time ago...thank you, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this! It got lost in my Drafts folder, and I decided to clean that out as I procrastinate on other things, so...umm...yeah!

Name: Adrian

Fandoms: Dragon Age (and everything else, but still mostly Dragon Age)

Where you post: AO3, and here (WIPs and random drabbles, head canons, and excerpts)

Most popular one shot: “...And when it comes...” a tooth-rottingly sweet fenhawke+kids two-chapter thing where I introduced dad!Fenris as a habitual hair-braider (also includes a really disturbing flashback, so CW for slavery and implied/suggested sexual abuse). It was also the first fan fic I ever shared publicly!

Most popular multi-chapter story: lol...I don’t talk about this much (watch me talk a lot about it right now), but it’s a Seven Deadly Sins Jericho-centric fic, called Walls Tumbling Down (har de har har!). I’ve only ever watched the first two seasons of the show on Netflix because me and my real-life partner like to occasionally binge watch anime for shits and giggles, but I’m not involved in the fandom at all (a lot of stuff about the show and I assume the manga is actually a little squicky for me). I started writing this because I really liked one (1) character who deserved more attention and more opportunities to yell at everyone (and she does that! and it’s really cathartic to write!). About once a year I get inspired to add a chapter (it’s all outlined, and ends with some closure for my girl) and somehow, those blessed kudos keep trickling in...

Favourite story you wrote: I think In Deep is my most self-indulgent fic right now, even though it’s not complete, and it’s in a different world state than most of my other stuff. It’s mostly about Anders, post-Inquisition, following Dread Moon, a collab multi-chapter fic I wrote with my buddy, @figgypudz about her our OC Alarion, an elf who was spying on Dorian for this mysterious organization, the Agents of Fen’Harel (it takes place pre-Trespasser). Anders and Alarion are boyfriends now, and they are on the run (sorta) and Anders is getting a chance to process and heal and be adored by someone. Oh, and Cole keeps popping in, too. <3

How you choose your titles: Ok, so I thought that said “titties” and I was like, “I’m not very particular...” and I guess the same goes for my titles. If it’s a multi-chapter thing, I try to figure out a theme or a pattern for naming chapters. Same goes for series. My Lost and Found series was originally all verby-sounding titles, but then I got distracted by spin-offs. Sometimes it’s a character quote or a reference to the source material that is particularly relevant to the theme or situation. I’m terrible about using song lyrics or poems or whatever. So, yeah...IDK...

Complete: 7! Whaaat?! (Most of those are one-shots or parts of a longer series...)

Incomplete: 8...plus everything else I haven’t even started sharing yet...eeeeek!

Do you outline: Yes. Obsessively. Often. All over the place. With arrows and links and omg...my brain needs to just knock it off with all the planning and mapping sometimes.

Coming Soon: Oof...um...I’m three two chapters away from finishing Fly Away of my Lost and Found series and those chapters are already mostly/sort of written! There’s gonna be some more fenhawke smut, and a lot less drinking for one person in particular...

Do you accept prompts: I suck at focusing enough on something I’m not completely passionate about to pull this off, I think, and I find the idea of writing for other people really intimidating! Those of you who can just take someone else’s suggestions and run with them are amazing and I admire you. Maybe once I get all these stories out of my head? So...probably never.

Upcoming story you’re most excited to write: The next part of Lost and Found, Part IV (I think?): Legacy, should be kinda fun (and shorter, I hope!), cuz it will feature a super pregnant Hawke trying to do the stuff from the DA2 Legacy DLC (with some help from some familiar Wardens and some other friends/family members she has been missing since she left Kirkwall)...but I made goals for #theWIPproject2020 of working on some of my current WIPs, so that might have to wait!

I’m tagging @factorykat, @serial-chillr, and @hermiowngranger. Please ignore if you’ve already done this or just like, don’t feel like it, maaannnn...

#about me #my writing #author interview #tag

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agentmika · 4 years

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I was tagged by @synonymouslyyours and thank you so so much! I love this and I am very happy to do it and to engage more online, yes and thank you.

RULES: answer 20 questions, then tag bloggers you want to get to know better.

1. NAME: Cherish (yes like the word) 2. NICKNAMES: Cherie, Cher, Chair, cheroosh, CB (said as SEEB) 3. ZODIAC SIGN: taurus (bday coming up soon hehe) 4. HEIGHT: 5′8″ I think 5. LANGUAGES SPOKEN: English, uh intermediate Spanish? I let myself kinda drop it but I can still read, write, speak to some degree and have been trying to pick it up again so please drop all the Spanish show, song, movie, podcast, etc recs. I know very beginner French as well. Wanna be a polyglot one day so I have like 15 languages started on Duolingo and a 52-day streak right now. I would list the other languages, but this section is already getting pretty long. 6. NATIONALITY: American (all other Americans y'all BETTER FUCKING VOTE) 7. FAVORITE SEASON: not sure because I have things I really like about each season like breezy fall days with crunchy leaves and winter wonderland mornings before the snow’s been disturbed or when you can look up into the sky and all you see is snowflakes as they fall, or that wondrous early spring that @synonymouslyyours mentioned (I wrote a short poem about this exact thing that I will send you after writing this post), or golden summer days where I can lay in a patch of sun and engage lizard brain 8. FAVORITE FLOWER: I like lilacs 9. FAVORITE SCENT: honestly go nuts over this one candle scent called frosted cranberry 10. FAVORITE COLOR: yellow :) 11. FAVORITE ANIMAL: ocelots 12. FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER(S): too many too many too many, I’ll try to list some from diff media types so legit almost every damn character in the raven cycle books is so interesting but especially the gangsey and especially Adam Parrish. Also love Nicholas Angel from the movie Hot Fuzz. Lup from the Adventure Zone podcast is a babe. Omg and Miss Fisher from the tv show Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries--can’t wait for the new movie! 13. COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot chocolate 😋 14. AVERAGE SLEEP HOURS: My fitbit that I got for xmas is currently telling me it is 5hr45 min. During school time I would say anywhere in the range of 5-7 is common and w/o school, then more like 7-8 hours sleep. I do not do well w/ little sleep 15. DOG OR CAT PERSON: C A T P E R S O N 16. NUMBER OF BLANKETS YOU SLEEP WITH: it varies, but if I’m using all of them (b/c sometimes they get shoved aside) then rn I have 4 things: sheets, blanket, comforter, weighted blanket. also bunch of pillows and stuffed animals and I frequently wake up with two of my family’s cats in bed w/ me too 17. DREAM TRIP: I want to travel everywhere. Lowkey (kinda highkey) wanna be an astronaut so space lol. Also just on Earth tho, I haven’t even traveled outside the us except once or twice to Canada so literally anywhere else. I think maybe Hungary and Budapest w/ my mom would be nice (her family is from there/she’s always wanted to go) and I wanna visit Hobbiton in New Zealand and also Japan or South Korea 18. BLOG ESTABLISHED: October 10th, 2013...I’ve been on this site coming up. on 7 years folks. I was very much just a lurker early on though and I’m still active and trying to be more of a presence on here so anyone feel free to reach out and say hey :) if you’ve been on here since you basically a child like myself let’s talk about that experience! I promise I’m friendly :) 19. FOLLOWERS: are all very much appreciated - shoutout especially to those mutuals who just like my stuff and I like your stuff and idk if we’ve ever said a word to each other. Feel free to say hi! 20. RANDOM FACT: I know how to ripstik. If u don’t know what a ripstik is, it’s like a skateboard w/ 2 wheels instead of 4. Also I like creative writing! if any of you’d like to play, i’d love to get to know you more :)

@theactofmakingnoise @actually-a-hobbit @gotohellstephano @hermannsthumb @newts-geiszler @heliodean @deanieweaniewrites @starespressos @kris-kenobi @pirategf

#that chick speaks #tag memes #yay these are fun!!!#thanks Eliora for tagging me!#:)

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sundaynightnovels · 5 years

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11/11/11 Tag Game (again!)

aaaand i’ve also been tagged by @fluffythewritingplant for a different set of questions!!! you have a lot of questions huh HAHA but they sound fun so thanks for tagging me in this! <3 1. What is your favorite part of writing? characters! characters interacting!! characters doing things! character dialogues!! characters characters characters! 2. Do you prefer reading or writing? HA i haven’t read a novel in a while. but yea i like them both but... yknow. how bout reading my own writing. i’m narcissistic like that 3. How many people have read your stuff? since the next question is specifically about irl, i’m assuming this is about online??? well, i guess all of yall on tumblr have seen my snippets and excerpts right heh (blatant advertising here) (also in case yall don’t know how i differentiate them, snippets are drabbles that i write outside of my main wip and excerpts come directly from the wip draft itself heh) so yea, all of you!! <3 (i guess?????) 4. How many people irl have read your stuff? kinda mentioned this in my previous 11/11/11 tag, but not much. if it’s school stuff then yea, but if it’s my own personal stuff, not really. maybe like a handful in the past, but right now in the present? no one has read my current wip as of yet. 5. Are there any books or movies that inspired your writing? hmmMMMm. in general i guess studio ghibli (in how they make the mundane little everyday stuff magical, i love that), percy jackson (humour lol), mmmm... i actually really don’t know. i’ve been writing for a long time, so i think everything probably just accumulated and it just culminates in this mess that i call my own brand of writing. my friends (who have read my work in the past) say that i actually have a style -- i’m not sure how true that is HAHA but that’s good to know, but i really have no idea what in particular inspired it. 6. How many WIPs do you have? One (or is it two??? but they are of the same... universe-thing.) OKAY like i’ve finished my first draft of my main novel called like all things out of season, and now i’m working (well, barely) on the companion novel so yea. floating in my head are about three vague forms of ideas though. one of which i have tried numerous times to write but never finished, another is something that i’m like ooooo i’ll write it right after i finish my current one (guess that ain’t happening), and the last is the most vague, most formless one that i just kinda have a feel on but not rly. 7. What are some ideas you had to throw away because you just didn’t have the time to work on them? i’m sure i’ve lost a lot over the years, especially because my memory sucks. also, since my memory sucks... do you expect me to remember these lost ideas??? 8. Have you ever written any poetry? Wanna show some of your stuff? the first time i ever touched poetry was two years ago for a creative writing class. they all kinda suck... do i want to show my stuff??? hmmmmm.... let me take a peek at what i’ve written then well it is pretty cringe but if you wanna read it (scroll through if you don’t want a cringe fest)

(1. don’t ask me about the formatting, idk why i did it this way 2. i think the assignment was... okay who am i kidding, idk what the assignment was about. but i think i just thought it’d be interesting to do a poem using like chinese mythology or something like that. speaking of which, the AU that i wanna write of my novel is kinda also about chinese mythology hmmm... did i say too much) 9. What’s your favorite line/scene you’ve ever written (several are possible of course)? i don’t have a favourite line, but for a scene... i’ve mentioned this somewhere else before (in response to an ask i think), but there was this really important scene that i knew, even before starting my novel, that i had to write and it was simply about this man telling them a story. and i had no idea what i’d write, how it’ was going to play out and everything, but then it came out so beautifully and evocative even though while writing i had no idea what i was doing and i actually felt what i was meant to feel in that story and i just lkjkdlfkjsdlfkd i have a lot of feelings to that and i can’t show it to yall cuz it’s like, the first main turning point of the story. right after that scene was this kinda sleepover-ish scene with Shou and Jun and i loved writing that too because shou was adorable and excited and jun was understandably not impressed and yknow, it was kinda important too in the whole state of things. OF COURSE before that i enjoyed writing the scene where almost all of them (except the female yu) converged together in the noisies’ place and just had a whole lot of mess and fun yeah that entire portion was great because they all happened kinda altogether at once. 10. What’s your favorite quote i don’t think i have one 11. What’s your favorite quote by someone you know? well it’s not my favourite, but it’s the most iconic one that i can remember right now. we were predrinking before going to a club and one of my friends bought vodka, which yknow tastes like nail varnish and is just terrible (i mean... even if you like vodka... you gotta admit, it feels like it can melt your throat off) while others bought like ~~ wine~~ and stuff and she was like “well we just wanna get drunk right so might as well jump straight into it” and that line stuck with me ever since. girl’s got her priorities straight. (if this makes me seem like i like drinking, i really don’t. and i hate wine HAHA) 12. What’s your favorite book? you are a devil. also. no, ain’t answering that. thank you, next. 13. Which book do you regret reading? i had a bunch of them when i was younger, but... i don’t really remember right now. really 14. Is there something you regret writing? when i was younger i once wrote something in the pov of a cat. do i regret it? no. it was really stupid though. 15. If your OC’s were actual people in your life, what would your relationship be like? oh ho ho. zhen would be the laziest friend ever and i’d probably be really annoyed at her because it’ll be impossible to go out and hang out with her, but yknow what? i’m basically the same.

shou would be annoying in a different way, he’ll be so overly-excited and energetic that i’ll just be like... stop. and he’s the sort who’ll go around talking to random strangers on the street and as a massive unsociable introvert, i’ll be drowning there in my shyness and inability to talk as he goes out yammering and yammering about who knos what (true story, i have a friend as sociable as him. even when we’re talking to mutual acquaintances, i’m just there. a statue, meant to decorate the setting in which she’s in) i can’t communicate with kids, so i’ll probably be really really awkward with lu. like really. maybe i’ll talk to him a little bit, but i can foresee it to be a very uncomfortable interaction, at least on my part. lol yu(f). i don’t think i can talk to her either. she’s too stressed out and working too hard and i don’t like to bother people like that, especially if we aren’t friends yet. ren would be really easy to talk to, he’s just so laidback and chill and nice, like he’s probably the kind of classmate you’ll just end up casually talking to when you meet on the way to class or on the way out from class. i don’t know if we’ll actually become friends, but we’ll end up being at least friendly acquaintances. i think i’d probably avoid teng in real life. he’s way too loud and dramatic and remember, i’m an introverted girl who doesn’t like to have attention on herself... and with him, yknow you’re gonna get all the attention. likewise with jun, you’re gonna get so much attention with him. but i think i could be friends with him tbh. he acts aloof and is pretty snarky and prickly but once i get past that (if i ever do, which to be frank i might not), i think we could be friends. i probably won’t be friends with yu (m) because he’s that strong silent type and unless i’m made to sit with him in class, i probably won’t ever start up a conversation with him. i most likely wouldn’t be friends with jia because she’s the really attractive, popular type yknow? she’s a nice person and i’d probably be friends with her IF we ever spoke to one another, but considering chances of that are low, i don’t think we’d end up friends. i’m reusing the above questions ^ and tagging a few more people @insearchof-solace (sorry tagging you back just because i want to know your answer for the last one HAHA) @usuallydecentwriter @sunnydaysarealwaysgrey @farrradays

#personal tag #personal #writeblr #my wips #my OCs #not sure if i should tag this to my OC tags but #hmm #probably not

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izzy-b-hands · 6 years

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RULES: TAG 10 MUTUALS YOU WANT TO KNOW BETTER!

Tagged by @sevdawn thank you so much!! I’ve been wanting to do something like this or an ask game thing for a while now; you’ve got good timing!

Name: Aly

Star Sign: Virgo

Height: Haven’t really formally measured since like the beginning of high school, but about 5′3 (160 cm) ish? Short as fuck around most other people lol.

Put your music on shuffle. What are the first 4 songs that pop up?

Quick warning again about my all over the place music taste, so this could be...interesting.

1. The Blinding--Babyshambles

2. We Both Go Down Together--The Decemberists

3. Gallows Strung--Snow Ghosts

4. Never Land (A Fragment)--The Sisters of Mercy

Ever had a song/poem written about you? Only a few that I know of--a close friend and I were always sorta/kinda crushing on each other thru middle and high school and were big time into wanting to start a band at the time (in addition to being in creative writing classes together) so we wrote lyrics and poems and stories that we occasionally would admit were about each other, or would avoid admitting it was about the other in the awkward way kids do lol.

Last time you played the guitar: Oh god, not recently enough! I should be practicing way more than I am, but work has kept me kind of exhausted lately--so about two weekends ago, if you count a very quick solo jam session to work on the soundtrack for the TV series I’m writing.

Celebrity crush: Y’all are evil. I kid, most of you who follow me can probably guess these already--the guys of Avatar (Tim and Kungen in particular tbh, not that they aren’t all gorgeous and talented of course!), Teemu and Jari of Wintersun, Janelle Monae, Tessa Thompson, Ville Valo, Jessica Chastain, Richard Ayoade, Daniel Dae Kim, and A$ap Rocky are the crushes I either A: never outgrew from my teens or B: acquired as a young adult and let myself daydream about because real life is crushing as fuck--may as well let daydream version of me have all their romantic dreams come true lol.

A sound you hate + a sound you love?

Hate: Oh god my ASD comes into play here, there are so many I could list, but one of the absolute worst for me is the sound of someone scratching their nails along silk. I recently tried listening to a new band who had a sound like that incorporated into one of their songs and my ears basically died until I turned the song off.

Love: I could easily list music here, but I wanted to go with a different sound instead--the caw of a crow. The sound is really soothing to me, and there’s usually always a ton near our building, so their cawing even wakes me up on the few mornings I can sleep in, and it is really nice calming sound to wake up to. The one thing that is probably really silly but that I haven’t looked up is if Gothenburg or Sweden in general are home to any sort of crows (or ravens, I love listening to them too.) If it isn’t, then that might be one of the few things I’ll miss from the US.

Believe in ghosts? Kind of? Like, I want to think that there’s some way all of our minds and souls can keep communicating after death, floating around each other, getting to meet people we’d always wanted to in life, meeting up again with people we lost touch with while alive, etc. But then part of me knows how science plays into some of it (like certain vibrations and sound waves making it feel like we’re being watched, even if we aren’t) so I sometimes wonder if I’m not just being silly in wanting to believe. But then I also remember that someday I’ll be dead no matter what, so if I want to believe and it isn’t hurting anyone, then why not believe? Life is short and painful, take your joys where you can.

Do you drive? Nope. Anxiety and what my doctor calls ‘PTSD-like symptoms’ from past driving accidents with family behind the wheel keeps me from it. I’ve tried, over the years, to get my permit and license, but it never happens, and I’ve really lost any urge to ever want to try again. I was once at a point where even being a passenger made me terrified--I’m past that now, but idk if I’ll ever drive. I’d rather, at this point, rely on public transit and learn to bike ride so I can use a bike once I move to a more bike-friendly locale.

Last book you read? A random collection of poetry that I had to buy for a poetry class when I was in college. It is the huge tome, and I’ve been working my way through it to find all of my favorites.

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Shouldn’t, but yup lol. I associate the smell of it with good things--my grandfather’s garage, going out on errands with him and getting treats at the gas station, going to car shows with him. In case it isn’t obvious, my grandfather is a ‘car guy’ in that he loves vintage cars and loves taking really good care of any cars he has, so all of my best memories with him revolve around times where we were around cars, and usually surrounded by the smell of gasoline.

Worst injury you’ve ever had: I’ve got a few; would probably be my left leg being broken as a kid, and all the damage I did to my ankles--I have flat feet that as an adult I found out I should have probably gotten physical therapy for when I was young, but I never did so they were constantly spraining really badly, to the point that I nearly broke both within a month of each other when I was about sixteen. Now they hurt if I wear shoes they don’t like, wear good shoes but for too many hours, walk for too long, don’t walk enough, or if the weather changes, and maybe just whenever the fuck they feel like bothering me tbh. If I could just have my feet float and be magically connected to the rest of my leg, I probably would lol.

Do you have any obsessions right now? I have a hard time calling anything an obsession now--work ( both my day job and my writing and music work on the side) keeps me so busy that I don’t have time to ‘obsess’ as I did when I was a teen. But I guess you could toss Avatar and Ghost in as a kind of obsession, in that they’re two of the few bands I’m really following in terms of news and tour info right now. I’ve gotten really into Pokemon again, while trying to do my own version of a Nuzlocke run on Pokemon Y, so I guess that might count. I consume a shit ton of McElroy and Polygon content whenever I’m feeling terrible, so that could probably count too. Idk, having an ‘obsession’ as an adult doesn’t really feel like an obsession--it feels more like the only subjects/things you can escape to when the rest of life is busy sucking major ass.

Do you tend to hold grudges towards people? I try my best not to, but there are a few I still hold. The biggest one is with my father, and my various issues with him, but I recently found out he told a family friend he’d disowned me (whoops, he never told me lol) so I don’t feel bad holding that one at all. Fuck him, and I know he has a tumblr and might well see this, so if you do, J (not gonna put his full name here of course, I’m only partially petty as fuck haha) , then guess what? I disown you too. My grandfather, for all his faults, was a better father figure even on his worst days, and the male celebrities I looked up to as father figures were better too--and they don’t even know I exist!!

In a relationship? ...no. But I talk to someone who I have some sort of feelings for, but we aren’t in anything other than a friendship (or if the other person considers it to be something more, than they haven’t said and we haven’t discussed it.) But still, that’s not technically a relationship, so no, still single.

I tag: @plupluru, @calliopinot, @apineappleheart, @feathers-andflesh, @starmoonchildfromthebeamsabove, @silversatori, @fuckdensen, @skulldr0p, @vvitchimage, and @rammchickk

#text post #ask box things #thank you this was so much fun!#and really relaxing after a very shitty day at work #to just have something else to do and think about instead of going over everything I feel like I fucked up at work

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frenchibi · 7 years

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Author About Me

Tagged by @oisugasuga, thank you so much :DD

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

French (me) + Chibi (small, which I am) = frenchibi (yeah I’m unimaginative w/e)

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

It’s Fix Me, my first iwaoi fic, probably because it’s been up longest ^^ (But! Burning Heart is coming closer and closer :D)

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

Bunch of waves bc I love the ocean lmao

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I’ve pretty much become friends with my regular/favorite commenters (because my favorites are those who START CONVERSATIONS & DISCUSSIONS ABOUT MY IDEAS) so - you know who you are xD

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I’ve got a rec tag :D

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

157 bookmarks (all of which I also recommend) and, uh. A LOT of subscriptions.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Domestic fluff, honestly. Although I’ve been trying to diversify.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

171 user subs (730 in total), 2165 bookmarks :0 (and yet, my comments ratio is small ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Haha nope I write whatever I want honestly, it’s my account? Where I share what I want to? ^^

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Did you mean: Actually finishing a fic that’s more than one chapter

No, actually there are many genres I don’t think I’m very proficient at. I’m working on reading more and analysing more so I can try my hand at different things.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

50% iwaoi, 30% other fandoms and rarepairs, 20% original writing :’D But I’m planning on increasing the latter two a lot. Yes.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

71! 64 for Haikyuu, one each for Harry Potter, Les Mis, Fantastic Beasts and Thor Ragnarök, and three original ones! :D (support me here! Comment, kudos, share! :D)

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

over 200 in several different programs :’D No chill whatsoever lol

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

Write them down - though recently I’m trying to write stuff while I feel it instead of jotting it down for later.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

I’ve done several collabs with @josai, and I’m planning some with @hajiiwa and @ricekrispyjoints! :D (and I had a bunch more planned with other people but they might be a while so ^^) Also i am always open to more collabs because I LOVE THEM!!! hmu!

16. How did you discover AO3?

Uhhh… through tumblr I think…? Like years ago, back when I was in the Spn fandom. I didn’t write for Spn though (at least nothing that I published), and I was active on ff.net before under a different name.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

I think I’ve peaked and now I’m just… slowly being forgotten ^^ But that’s fine. I used to be.. reasonably well-known I guess? I don’t know. In my corner of the fandom, at least. Nowadays less and less people read and comment on my fics and original works, but I guess that’s how it goes sometimes. I’m happier now though, because I really like what I’m writing.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

HAH no I’m not nearly popular enough for that.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I had friends who wrote and inspired me all through school, but the author who always inspired me was J.K. Rowling because her books taught me to dream. HP was the first English book I read (and I learned to read German first, at school, while my mom taught me English at home) and I’ll never forget how empowering it felt, both because I read it myself and because of its contents. These days there are A BUNCH of authors I love, like Patrick Ness, Alice Munro, Michael Cunningham, Khaled Hosseini and many more!

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Don’t try to please anyone other than yourself. Don’t be afraid to just… experiment, and if you don’t like what you’ve created, START OVER! Practice will make you better. Also, there is no “right way” to write, and there is no “wrong way”. Everyone finds their own, and it’s easiest to do that by trying out many different forms. I’d suggest writing exercises like taking a pen and not letting yourself stop writing for 5 minutes, no matter WHAT. Alternatively, make mind maps or plans or lists of stuff you want to talk about, and try out different styles? Take a topic and write a poem, an essay, a newspaper article, a horror story, a romance - whatever. See where your mind takes you. Writing has infinite opportunities.

What I also enjoy, as an artsy sort of person, is combining writing with other things I like to do. Like painting words into pictures I’ve drawn or sketched, or trying my hand at writing song lyrics. You’ll find something you can call your preferred medium - fanfic isn’t all there is, but it’s a great place to start and to hone your skills! :D

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Both, it depends on the story.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Nope, not really? I’ve been disappointed, but the “worst” thing that’s happened were misunderstandings that I was able to clear up easily. In the end a comment (either way) is someone’s opinion, and I don’t have to agree with it. I’m always happy that people share theirs - but I don’t take disagreements personally.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Only ones i haven’t practiced enough tbh.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Like 50 at the same time. I want to do a giveaway soon tbh, if I reach 600 followers :D Until then I’m just. Writing what I feel like.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

I’m always working on at least 3 at the same time lol

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

I did start the year with a goal to post one fic every week, and I managed all the way through June, but then my depression got worse and I needed that pressure gone. Now I just write when I feel like it and honestly I feel much better for it.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Oh, CERTAINLY. I’ve been writing for near 15 years now xD And I started writing in German. I’ve come a long way since then - and a lot of it is because I read a lot.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

Idk, I’m very proud of my original works.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

…there are old ones (on old accounts, and unpublished) that are cringey but I let them be because they helped me grow ^^

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Hopefully less active in fanfiction and publishing short stories? Idk. I mean, I still care about fandom so I probably will never completely abandon it but, well. (I also want to focus more on work - translating - because I have goals that I want to accomplish.)

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

When you feel what you’re writing. It’s… realest, then, I think, and it flows for me.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Finishing long projects. rip, my attention span is so tiny

33. Why do you write?

Because I have things to say that I think are worth sharing.

Ahhh thank you so much for this tag, it was really interesting!! I’m tagging @hajiiwa, @marleeb, @astersandstuffs, @cheetahleopard, @ricekrispyjoints, @arturosavinni, @lalikaa, @josai, @ailarii and @anyadisee!

#french speaks #tagged #thank you so much this was really interesting!!

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midnight-waterlilly · 7 years

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Tag Game

I was tagged by @inktwistfudge and hey I actually love these question things!

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people you’d like to know better.

1. Nicknames: idk if I have any? I guess I technically go by 2 names depending on where I am and who I'm with so does that count? I’m either Damian or I’m Casey

2. Gender: trans guy (also hi, i guess I'm coming out informally to those who didn't know this before now because i guess i never talked about it here)

3. Zodiac Sign: Taurus

4. Height: 5′4" i’m so short :P

5. Current Time: 11:50 pm when I started this but then we drove home and it’s 12:55 am now

6. Birthday: May 3rd

7. Favourite Bands: oh gosh too many... I like different stuff depending on my mood... Some long time failsafe faves are Rise Against, Real Friends, Neck Deep, State Champs, The Gaslight Anthem, MCR, Panic at the Disco, Marianas Trench, One Ok Rock (ya know, lots of pretty basic emo & pop-punk staples, i’m trash )

8. Favourite Solo Artists: uhh I've been jamming to Jon Bellion a lot lately, Halsey’s a fave, Crywolf has made me cry approximately 100 times

9. Song Stuck in My Head: His Favorite Christmas Story by Capital Lights

10. Last Movie I Watched: Cherry Pop on Netflix and that was a trip

11. Last Show I Watched: Stranger Things 2

12. When Did I Create My Blog? Sometime in like the fall of 2012?

13. What Do I Post On My Blog? On this one I really just reblog cool stuff and occasionally post selfies or small rants

14. Last Thing I Googled: why drink a gallon of water (after i saw a bunch of healthy people on my facebook talking about some gallon challenge thing and was like why)

15. Other Blogs? I have two active side blogs: bluebacchius (an anime & voltron blog), and I have a trauma-related vent blog that I won’t share publically, but if ya ever want it for some reason you can message me

16. Do You Get Asks? Rarely on this blog. As of lately, I get occasional ship hate on my anime/voltron blog and i delete it all 😂

17. Why Did You Choose Your Url? it’s a reference to my first OC actually! I created her when I was 11 for a book

18. Last Thing I Ate? Sushi

19. How Many Pillows? umm 4 real ones, and i have like 3 “decorative” ones

20. Favourite Colors: black, pastel pink, various shades of blue

21. Favourite Tag To Use? not sure i have one... i’m usually just adding commentary in my tags

22. Lucky Number: 3!

23. Instruments? I’m ok at piano and i used to play the clarinet for like 3 years. I can sing okay, but it’s been a long time since i’ve actually practiced

24. What Am I Wearing? Grey H&M t-shirt, boxers and Hello Kitty pajama pants lol

25. Last Thing I Wrote? an admittedly angsty 2am poem in my journal

26. Dream Job: full-time author!

27. Dream Trip: gonna have to say Japan, maybe Ireland as a close second

28. Favourite Food: um, strawberries maybe? or pasta? those are so different lol

29. Nationality: uhhh, my family goes back mostly to Poland and Austria. Somewhere in there is Mongolian too

30. Favourite Song Right Now: Cut My Hair Mounika, Turning Out by AJR, Hoodie by Hey Violet, Weight by Crywolf, Coexist by Have Mercy, Clarity in Kerosene by nothing, nowhere, So Soon by Marianas Trench (I’m so much better at thinking up fave songs than i am at bands)

Tagging (i definitely can’t come up with 20, i follow too many cool people) @grrl-from-mars, @importantword, @blazingbridges, @nowidontgetit, @deashasta, @small-pastel-poppunk-kitten,

ahhh, i’m bad at tagging but like if someone wants to do this you can totally say i tagged you and tag me back in it if you want, i like hearing about people!

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eren-s · 7 years

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tag game

Rules:

Always post the rules

Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

tagged by: the lovely @tatakaeeren thank youuuuu <3

tagging: @yaboylevi and @uttsukushi because i would love to to know your answers to some of these questions and all that but don’t feel pressured to answer this if you don’t want to c: also tagging anyone else who wants to do this

1.- If you could date one anime characters who would it be?

These type of questions always make me think that i love things differently from other people... or something? lol because i never get a crush on the characters i like... i know this isn’t mean to be a serious question and all that, you know but kahjdkhasjdg i won’t date anyone lmao i prefer being by myself even if it gets a bit lonely sometimes

2.- What was your first anime?

Definitely dragon ball, i have many many memories from it from my childhood, my mom still doesn’t like it haha my brother on the other hand loves snk and levi is his favorite, he also watches some other animes from time to time

3.- Fictional character or real people?

Fictional character, i have been there and loved real people (as in idols etc) and it’s draining and tiring and not something i would like to do ever again lol

4.- What’s one of your dreams?

Writing a book, i have had this dream since i was a child and i actually wrote a so called book when i was like 13 haha but it’s a mess so i have it hidden somewhere in my room, i also used to get praises here and there when i wrote poems, etc for school. Tbh idk if i will ever be able to accomplish it because the career i’m majoring in, in college has nothing to do with this type of thing so yeah but maybe some day as for now i still write fics in my free time

5.- Favorite books of all time?

I wish i read more buuuut i will just mention the one i’ve been reading recently which is ‘everyday’ by david levithan, i have yet to finish it, but i love the way it’s written and some of the things the author writes about in the book hit close home for me, i have some favorite quotes as well and i just love the book jasgdjhsagd gotta finish it before this year ends

6.- What’s your dream country to live in?

I like my country but maybe spain, places i would like to visit tho: korea and japan also any other countries in south america because all i know is my own country and i’m curious lol

7.- Isabelle/Levi/Farlan or Armin/Mikasa/Eren?

why... the shiganshina trio because the bonds of friendship between the three of them are lovely, as for the acwnr trio... it makes my heart ache and i can’t watch/read it w/o crying lmao

8.- What’s your otp (only one)? Eren + happiness

9.- Drabble or Fanfic?

Fanfic, although i really admire people who can write short things ajsgdjhasgd haha how do you do that

10.- Your hogwarts housse (if you don’t have any cause you’ve never made the test just answer muggle, or go made it !) -

11.- How many time do you spent on tumblr ?(daily)

…I check it several times through the day but the time i spend on it varies? it depends on wether or not i’m trying to upload gifs or something or if my dash has new content or if i’m talking with someone and stuff like that haha i think i spend more time over at twitter

12.- Your top 3 anime openings?

Sora ga Aozora de Aru Tame ni by Glay

Know know know by Does

Guren no yumiya by Linked Horizon

13.- Quick! you have the power to bring one character back from the dead (with no secondary effects) who would it be?

Carla Jaeger, jsagdhjasgdhjsa Eren has been missing his mom for years, i just- need okay

14.- If you could crossover 2 animes, which ones would they be?

omg gintama x shingeki haha that would be soooo funny to watch

15.- Choose 3 hair colors.Ok. Ready? Now tell me your fav character with that hair color.

pink hair - kominato haruichi

white hair - gintoki

black hair - hijikata

16. Guilty pleasure?? (food, music, movies, etc)

food: like anything sweet, i love sweets... cakes, ice cream, cookies, etc lol

music: maybe those songs that are famous and that you don’t want to openly like but you end up liking them anyway?? haha

17.- Pick two characters to protect you and the rest will kill you [choose from here x]

yo eren and luffy for the first part and then the rest could kill me

18.- In which anime do you think you would fit the best if you were to live in their world?

relife... i have no idea if you have watched it but i am one of those adults (ugh yeah i’m an adult lol) who feels like their life isn’t going in the direction they want it to go and i really love the idea that the author of this manga (which was adapted into the anime last year) offers, it deals with important topics such as: depression, suicide, being unemployed/not being successful at the expected age by society... the consequences it has in your life and stuff like that? i just think i would like to live inside that universe because the characters are really really kind towards each other and they help each other out and there’s the particular relationship between the protagonist named Arata and Yoake which is the person who helps Arata to ‘relife’ his life haha (spoilers maybe if you end up deciding to look this one up) anyway this relationship esp is my favorite, i just LOVE how they support each other

19.- A night out! ..pick 3 characters and tell me: who is buying the drinks, who is the designated driver and who is the one dancing while singing barbie by aqua

hanji is buying the drinks, annie is the designated driver and the one dancing while singing barbie by aqua is definitely sasha

20.- A movie that you can watch a million times and will never bore you? Why?

any animated movie! be it a disney movie, or one from studio ghibli, i... really love animated movies

21.- Do you have a favorite seiyuu(s) which one(s)?

I’m not much of the kind of person who gets enthusiastic over voice actors or any other type of famous person in the industry tbh... not even the authors of the mangas itself because i don’t like getting invested into people but rather i fell in love w/ the characters they create more than anything else so i don’t really have a favorite seiyuu

22.- How would you like Snk to end: everyone dies, a bitter sweet ending, a happy one or an open ending?

Victoria you sure love making these kind of painful questions lol jk but i haven’t really thought about it, being realistic there’s no way there’s gonna be a happy ending at least not a “wholesome” one i think? I would really hate it if everyone died at the end though... at least one of these persons who sacrificed their lives has to live to see a new beginning, or new something start... i don’t care who although my bias would love for it to be eren and all the kids (and the vets) but just someone, you know? As for an open ending it depends... like what if it ends right before eren is about to die... or on some really ambiguous scene? tbh i would like to feel satisfied with the ending more than anything else be it a happy/sad or open one just something that ties everything up nicely... that’s my humble opinion

my questions: ( i will just write 4 or 5 because this is long enough as it is and i’m not a really creative person lol )

- What’s one thing you really like about yourself? - What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are feeling down? - Do you play any instrument? - Are you a cat person or a dog person?

#tag game #pp #this is long and i talk A LOT so if you read this thing till the end thank you in advance #gracias <3

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jo-the-schmo · 7 years

Text

Breaking...Epilogue PART 1!

Masterlist (If you haven’t seen any of the Repairing shorts, go here please!)

A/N: This isn’t even 1/3 of what the full epilogue is going to end up being. But I am so frustrated about not having posted in like 2 weeks so take this fro suspense I guess??? @marquiis-de-la-baguette you wanted suspense?!

Warnings: Idk maybe language probably???

Wordcount: 2248

Tags!!!: @midnightokieriete (I know you’re studying ;-;) @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff @pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7 (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette @abi-sans05

What was once Broken

Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…

You feel tired.

Beep..Beep..Beep..Beep

Your body is sore.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Your mind is weak.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

You can breathe.

Your eyes flutter open, there’s a bright light and your eyes can’t focus on it. Philip…where is…where’s Philip? Your eyes were starting to adjust but things were still a bit hazy. You looked to your right and saw a silhouette, warm skin, dark and wavy hair. Angie…? The figure came closer to you and you were met with an emerald green. Wait…Rachel? You blinked away the metaphorical film over your eyes. There she was.

“Oh my God… Oh my God! You’re alive! Oh God…!” She was crying, tears staining a face you had almost forgotten.

“A-Anna…? Where…What’s going on?” You wheezed. She looked tired, like she had stayed up for days.

“We were jumped; don’t you remember?” Yeah, I do remember. I also faintly recall a bullet passing through my skull. “Some asshole tried to mug us, he pulled out a gun and everything! You saved my fucking life! You gave me a chance to run and call the cops. I heard a gunshot and I thought…I thought you were dead. But when the ambulance came, you were still alive! Apparently the bullet got lodged in the chamber and exploded, you only got some of the fragments. The real problem was that after the shot didn’t work, he used the handle to hit over the head. You’ve been pretty much unconscious for eight days… But you’re awake! You are never allowed to almost die on me again, you hear me?”

“Eight days…?”

“Yeah, we were all starting to think that…that you wouldn’t make it… But on that second night, you woke up for a little bit! It meant you had a chance! I missed you so much, nerd bucket!” she cried, you felt your eyes burn a bit from tears pricking at the edges.

“I missed you too, smarty pants!”

You had to spend a few extra days in the hospital for observation and that gave you a chance to get caught up. All of your friends and family sent their regards and you were glad to hear from them after so long, but that was the thing. Time was odd for you. The memory of waking up under the lamp post felt like it was four years ago, but the shot happening in the street and the shot from Eacker felt like they just happened. It was like both worlds existed simultaneously for you, and you simply moved yourself between them. You felt like you were forgetting something, there was a gap of time missing from between your second death and you waking up in the hospital. It was blank slate that troubled you. However, something else was bugging you even more. Philip. It was gnawing at you, you didn’t have answers, you hated not having answers. Was it really all just a dream? No, it couldn’t have been! He…he was real… You’d see the sun rise every morning and smile, forgetting that he wasn’t going to say hello to you before breakfast. When the sun would set you’d cry, because you knew that he wouldn’t read you a poem he wrote earlier that day. You were unbelievably depressed, even more than you had been in the past. You lost someone, you sacrificed yourself for them and for what? This loneliness, this feeling of something being missing?

The days felt longer and all you had to do all day was think about him. You wanted answers but had no way of getting them yet. You were lucky to have Anna around, honestly she was the only reason why you’d smile for a while there. You were the one to die, but it felt as if he had. You didn’t have any way of knowing if the world had just reset itself, and truthfully that scared you more. What if none of it happened? None of it mattered? But some things were different, something had to have changed. Your hands, they weren’t calloused from the years of work and writing with a stupid feather. There were no scars on your palms from breaking that fragile teacup. They were exactly how you remembered them to be. You looked into the mirror, Anna warned you not to freak out. All across your right temple and some of that side of your forehead were tiny red indents. According to the doctors, the broken shrapnel hit you and would definitely leave scarring. Every night you looked at the dots and remembered what Philip said to you on that night. ‘Now we match! I have spots on my face and you have some on yours!’ ‘Baby’s breath, it looks like the stars. Well, and you remind me of the stars.’ It felt almost taunting to you.

“I guess now we really do match sunshine…” You heard a knock at your door.

“Come in!” You called out, you heard her voice.

“Hey, sister! I come baring something you’re going to love!” You flinched a bit when you heard Anna call you ‘sister’, you weren’t sure why, that was one of her nicknames for you. It just had an odd sense of familiarity.

“What’s up?” You tried to sound as much like your old self as possible. You felt like you were four years older than your body.

“I got you a lil present!” She skipped over to you and handed you an envelope. “Open it! The anticipation is killing me!” She whined. You chuckled softly and carefully tore it open. Reaching your hand in, you pulled out two small pieces of paper. No…fucking…way! “Hamilton tickets! Richard Rogers Theater, on Broadway! How much do you love me?” She raised an eyebrow. You were completely astonished.

“How did…when did… Who did you have to kill to get these?” You squealed.

“No killing involved, honey! And when it comes to getting them…let’s just say I know a guy who bought them a long time ago and doesn’t need them anymore.”

“That sounds…ominous. Your eyes are doing that scary glint thing.”

“They are not, my eyes are beautiful and the most impressive shade of hazel you will ever see!” She snapped her fingers.

“For the last time, your eyes are green, they’re only brown on the very edge and honestly it’s closer to a black color.” You two had this fight all the time, it was honestly just an inside joke between you both at this point. She rolled her eyes.

“The doctors said that you could be signed out after in a few more days! We’ll go have a girls’ day out on Wednesday and then finish it all off with the show! Doesn’t that sound awesome?” She sounded so happy and hopeful, you always appreciated her energy.

“Are you sure you can do that? I know you’ve been missing a lot of school because of me, wouldn’t that hurt your grade? How am I supposed to feel when I find out that my best friend’s political career is ruined?”

“Nerd bucket, you don’t need to worry about anything. The teachers adore me and my grades are perfect! Do not ever question my capabilities! Also, Roxanne called this morning, she can’t wait to see you, she’s making cookies for you.” She informed.

“Aw! Roxanne is such a sweetie! Seriously, how did you manage to convince that angel to date you for this long?” You joked. Roxanne was Anna’s girlfriend; they were honestly the perfect couple.

You got to spend a few more days in the hospital, no phone or anything like that. It got boring very quickly. Luckily you had your theories, those kept your mind going. You wanted to know what happened but you were forced to wait. When you were finally cleared to leave, you had every intention of figuring out what was going on. Unfortunately, that’s not how it went down. Anna was around you the whole day, most of the time was spent at the mall trying to find something to wear. She picked out a flowy, lavender dress with small flowering on the bodice. She snagged a simple, peachy dress that looked amazing on her. You questioned whether you’d be over dressed and she told you that you can never be over dressed. It was odd, putting on a dress that didn’t involve a million years’ worth of undergarments and metal death traps. The two of you went back to the apartment and you were hit with a tsunami of nostalgia. She did your hair and makeup and once the time arrived you left.

“We should’ve left early so we could grab dinner!” You stated, she shook her head mischievously.

“We’re getting diner after the show, I’ve always got more surprises up my sleeve!” She chuckled to herself. Oh my god, and she says I’m a nerd. What a fucking dork! She linked your arms together and hailed a cab, you usually didn’t like to take them because of the traffic but it wasn’t that far since you had walked for a little bit. It wasn’t long before you were standing in front of Richard Rogers Theater and you were completely geeking out. Anna looked at her watch.

“Fuck! I was hoping to get here a bit earlier to check on something! Whatever, let’s just get inside!” She led you by the arm into the theater. Oh my fucking God!! There are the lights! There’s the stage! LOOK AT THAT SET!! You both took your seats, which were surprisingly good, and waited anxiously.

“This is literally the second coolest thing to ever happen to me!” You said giddily.

“Well, get ready sweetheart! It’s about to be number one!” The lights went down and the whole audience was submerged in darkness for a moment. I still remember the words…this is so weird. The show began, the familiar melody of the opening song filled the room. A man with dark skin appeared on the stage.

Burr: “How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a

Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten

Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor

Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”

Wow…he looks just like…Wait! More people were flooding onto the stage from different points.

Laurens: “The ten-dollar Founding Father without a father

Got a lot farther by working a lot harder

By being a lot smarter

By being a self-starter

By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a trading charter.”

Philip? This time, you did feel your thought fall from your lips. That looks…

Jefferson: “And every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted

Away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up

Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of

The brother was ready to beg, steal, borrow, or barter.”

I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU JEFFERSON, I’M HAVING A CRISIS RIGHT NOW!

Madison: “Then a hurricane came, and devastation reigned

Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain

Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain

And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain.”

I haven’t seen you in a while…Mulligan? Madison? Shit I’m confused now. The song continued, your curiosity growing at every face that reminded you of someone else, someone you knew, someone you loved. And then you wondered more and more about that man. He looks like my sunshine… But for some reason, it didn’t feel right. You didn’t get the butterflies in your stomach when you looked at this person, it was like he had the cover of a book you adored but it ended up being a different tale entirely. You felt that the song was going to end soon.

Mulligan/Lafayette: “We fought with him.”

Philip: “Me? I lost for him.”

Angelica/Eliza/???: “Me? I loved him.”

Burr: “And me? I’m the damn fool that shot him.”

Lost? I thought that line was ‘I died for him’? Did he get it wrong? The song ended as you finished that thought. The rest of Act 1 played through and you were blown away by how incredible it was. There were so many things that reminded you of your time with them. It was bittersweet. Act 2 came in with a bang. Thomass Jeffershit! The man playing him got his looks and personality down to the T. Take a break came on and you couldn’t help but giggle at the person playing Philip. He really was my poet… When Say No to This faded in, chills ran down your spine. Nope, don’t want to think about that! Weird train of thought! WEIRD TRAIN OF THOUGHT!! Everything was going along normally until Cabinet Battle #2 ended. You were expecting to hear the words of Aaron Burr in Washington On Your Side, but another, familiar sound faded in. What is this? Doesn’t a different song break up the narrative of following along with the Washington theme?! There was some sort of hasty knocking sound, the woman playing Eliza ran in with someone draped under her arm. It was the woman who played Peggy and Maria, except her outfit was different. She had a cloth tied around her head, her dress was much flatter than the other and was white like the ensemble characters. There was a purple slip over the top of it but it had an opening on the front to show the white part. Who in the hell…?

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sambashua · 7 years

Note

HOW SVT BE FAM

♥S-sa-say the name!!

So this is going to be the longest post in the history of mankind bc I go real deep w their personalities and stuff ahh also since I don’t personally know them ofc so this is all based on what I’ve seen from their shows and videos:)) THANKS FOR ASKING KAT I’M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A HARDCORE CARAT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER AHHH [sidenote i included my personal nicknames for them so u know who i’m talkin abt irl girl] I ALSO LINKED A BUNCH OF STUFF I RLLY WENT CRAZY

Choi Seungcheol aka S.coups (cheolie) - OKAY AH since he’s your bias I’ll write extra thingsssss!! The faithful general leader and rap boyyy scoops! So this lil bun I thought for a while when I first followed them like oh he’s probably the most normal like he’s level headed and stuff but NOPE NOPE NOPE! SEUNGCHEOL IS ACTUALLY THE BIGGEST CUTIE DORK IN THE WORLD he is afraid of like a lot of things which is too funny bc he’s acts all manly and all the members see him that way and I cannot believe~ like he’s afraid of killing fish and and fireworks and being in front of the camera alone and chopping firewood and doing something that doesn’t get a reaction?? Whenever he does any sort of charm he tells the members to be sure to have a good reaction and BOYY IF THEY DONT he goes off on them I stg… but in all seriousness he is so so so hardworking (he trained for 6 years oh my god) like he always tries to take pressure off his members and he cares for his babies so much and they even call him appa sometimes and they look up to him so much it is the cutest thing like they always rate him so high in looks and I cry love him plz. But he is an actual puppy like w his long eyelashes and pouty face like oh my god and he is getting cuter everyday???? Like actually tho he’s doing it on purpose and I can’t handle it?? When did he plan this I can’t believe how frickin cute he is being lately! He’s such a soft fluff and he’s always so strong for the other members and they look up to him so much and he is one of the best groups leaders I’ve ever seen just bc of how much they all respect and listen to him:)Yoon Jeonghan (hannie) - so this pos… jkjk (kinda) hannie is “svt’s angel” bc he was born on 1004 the pretty vocalist who everyone knows as the guy in seventeen w long hair SOOO the thing w hannie is he is like the most beautiful man in kpop like his face is so pretty and his features too like?? How?? He seems like he would be feminine but he is actually one of the most (if not the most) manly members of svt!! But he gets tired so fast tho he is rated #13 in stamina and they call him lying-jeonghan bc he’s always lying down lol. But oh my god he is such a piece of trash I cannot believeeeee on tumblr I have a tag dedicated to all the times hannie has been a piece of shit I’ll link it to you if you want but like he cheats and lies in EVERY GAME THEY HAVE EVER PLAYED NO JOKE and even if they’re not competing he is always the first to call someone out and he is just such a ho i die like he is not svt’s angel at all BUTTTTTTTT he is actually so hardworking like even if he’s tired they’ve said that he keeps practicing and ugh he’s good… he has dubbed himself mother of svt and generally everyone p much agrees w him! Hannie and seungcheol call the other members “kids” and it is the purest thingJoshua Hong/Hong Jisoo(kor) (shuaaa) - everyone kinda knows josh as the American gentleman w his sweet voice and sick English skills (side note whenever he speaks eng tho he always stutters and I’m like boy why but it’s super cute and ilh) and he can speak five languages (supposedly) he plays guitar and he’s rlly Christian too lol so he’s the resident “church oppa” as the kids say these days and he has a cute cartilage piercing w a cross aw (he also recently got his tragus pierced and damn it looks good but anyway) Also his peach hair was such a good time like wow. Shua seems rlly quiet and I mean he is but oh my god he is so fucking extra LIKE I DONT UNDERSTAND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE BECAME SO EXTRA IDK WAS HE ALWAYS THIS WAY BUT I DIDNT SEE PAST HIS CAT EYES AND SWEET VOICE LIKE WHO KNOWSSSS but he does this pin drop dance thing way too often but it’s hilarious and the members are obsessed w it bc he always says he has a hard time w dance and choreo and this is his only dance move (but tbh he’s actually p good at dancing like i never rlly notice he falls behind or anything except that one time performing pretty u where he started his part too early but that actually created a new part of the choreo they ended up using for a bit fun fact)… that and his samba aka my url sambashua (technically he doesn’t actually samba tho I’m p sure he’s doing the merengue but it’s okay shua I still love u) He’s also a fricking nerd for anime which is great i love it. Josh and Vernon are rlly close bc English buds and they’re the memeist together also him and jeonghan are a true ship bc they came to pledis at the same time and they’re cute

Wen Junhui/Moon Junhui(kor) aka Jun - so jun is ½ of china line and ¼ foreign line. A dancing noodle from southeast China wow (I say noodle bc he is a skinny bean and also v flexible bc he does martial arts things wow) he did Kung Fu in china for a long as heck time and does a lot of kicky things and flips and he’s super cool ALSO FUN FACT: HIS NAME IS JUN AND HE WAS BORN IN JUNE WOOHOO a lot of people assume he’s like sly/greasy but that’s mostly him in like interviewy shows?? But in reality shows and vlives he is actually just such a cute sweet bean and he loves the members so much! He was a child actor in china and was p famous I think for a while?? But he learned Korean p well before he joined pledis (their label btw idk if you know or not lol) BUT EVEN FROM DEBUT HIS PRONUNCIATION HAS KEPT IMPROVING IM SO PROUD a lot of people cal him the true visual of svt (tbh I don’t like that bc they’re all beautiful don’t put anyone down ah) BUT HE IS SO HANDSOME LIKE DAMN BOY HE’S GOT SUCH NICE FEATURES AND HE IS THE CUTEST BEAN IN THE WORLD Alsoooo several of the members have dubbed him svt’s mother bc he’s super encouraging and “endless positivity jun” and he pays special attention to minghao they have the purest friendship!! (plz give him lines)Kwon Soonyoung aka Hoshi (HOSH) - DANCE MASTER AND PERF TEAM LEADER OF SEVENTEEN LIKE OKAY ALL OF PERF TEAM IS SO TALENTED I CAN’T BELIEVE BUT SOONYOUNG IS SO INCREDIBLE HE CAN CREATE DANCES ANYTIME ANYWHERE AND HE EXECUTES THEM SO WELL?? His stage name Hoshi means star in Japanese bc he shines in stage! And he knows Japanese pretty well I don’t think he’s fluent but he cute cute cute!! Anyway people rec him to go on hit the stage (WHICH I AM SO HERE FOR (but also let him rest he needs a break dear god they all do)) he creates all of svt’s dances wow (w help from perf team ofc) but he is actually the squishiest sweetest boy off stage but then on stage he completely transforms into whatever concept like he can take on anything?? I would not have assumed dark concept would work for him BUT BOY HOWDY IT DOES he turns from adorable hamster to sexy dance god in .2 seconds i don’t understand how people who bias him survive tbh… He is also SHINee’s biggest fan oh my god and the fact that he now stands on the same stages as them literally blows his mind he is such a fanboy i love♥ HE CARES FOR HIS MEMBERS SO MUCH (I realize I’ve said this abt everyone but hey hey they have a lot of love) he wrote HIGHLIGHT as his first time ever helping produce/write lyrics and I’m so proud:D AND HIS VOICE HIS SO GOOD he’s just so bouncy and good and so attractive??? He goes by 10:10 bc his eyes are like the hands of a clock at 10:10 wowie and EYE SMILES FOR DAYS~ just a sweet lil bab w a pure heart honestlyJeon Wonwoo (wonu aka the loml) - goddammit I hate jeon wonwoo JKJK OKAY SO JEON WONWOO IS MY ULT BIAS IMMA DO MY BEST TO KEEP THIS CONCISE BUT IDK HOW IT’S GONNA GO I HAVE A LOT TO SAY! jeon frickin wonwoo has the deepest voice in svt and is known for his deep, smooth rap style wow (his rap style is really unique like if you listen to it it sort of ebbs and flows w the music and he drags out notes sometimes it’s so nice fuck) he sings all the time it’s so great and the members always ask him to read things bc (he’s good at reading generally and) he has his nice deep voice ahh~ JEON FRICKIN WONWOO IS THE BIGGEST DORK IN THE WHOLE WORLD jeon wonwoo enjoys making bad puns and reading books (esp romance ones I hate him). The other members act like they hate his jokes but they always laugh at what he says and when he was gone (rip he was sick for a couple months from end of may ish to july ish) they mentioned that they missed his dumb jokes (and so did I). He considers himself to be the best looking (what a ho) and he is naturally skinny which a lot of the members are jealous of (but tbh this could be partially because he has a lot of health issues and allergies I just want to care for him and make him food and feed him forever so he gets fat and happy help me) On one fine day he was dubbed the garden fairy and also jeon wonwoo bag of luck oh my god I am so embarrassed by him (jk I love him w the entirety of my heart in case you couldn’t tell) Some of my favorite things abt wonwoo are his little nose crinkles when he smiles and his glasses that look just so cute on him and when he wears big sweaters and then he has sweater paws and he looks so cuddly and soft. He is also so boastful like he is always the first one to support himself it’s so funny but he doesn’t exactly brag it’s more confidence idk but he’s also rlly smart and good at acrostic poems bc he reads so much:) He also always cheers for other members when they want him to i.e. seungkwan when he cheers for himself. He seems shy when he’s on talk shows but I think he just wants to let other people talk but on vlives he always whispers to other members aND I JUST WANT HIM TO SPEAK UP! JEON WONU TELL US WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY but in conclusion I am in love with him and would def recommend anyone to bias him bc honestly he is a good bias just bc he is chill and pure and funny and beautiful (even tho sometimes he’s MIA and quiet as heck pshhh)Lee Jihoon aka Woozi - vocal team leader and producer of p much all their lit ass tunes!! 10/10 MOST HARDWORKING MEMBER OUT OF SVT I’M SORRY IF YOU DISAGREE BUT JIHOON WORKS SO HARD ALL THE TIME I’M SO WORRIED FOR HIM HE NEEDS A BREAK!! It’s so heartbreaking tho if you ever want to cry and cough up your lungs bc of sobs then watch SVT Project where he talks abt how he feels so much pressure and feels like their success or failure is riding on him bc he writes all their music and will determine if they will be any good:(((( BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE A BIG HIT BC JIHOONIE IS SUPER TALENTED AND MAKES THE BEST UPBEAT FUNKY FRESH POP TUNES OF THE CENTURY~ he is one of (if not the) shortest male idols at the moment at a staggering 165cm/5'4"! But it’s so great bc he doesn’t try to hide his heigh and he is considered and “inspiration to short men” according to one fashion report. The members always say he is rlly manly but on camera he acts cute and 10/10 appreciate it bc he is the cutest ever but only subtly… like he embarrassingly/shyly covers his face so cutely and gets angry so adorably where he just glares aw (he has also confirmed that he considers himself to be more cute than scary) woozi is a abbreviation of “our jihoon” which is the cutest asjkdhskl. He is also seventeen’s grandpa bc he is rlly not too hip at all but they try to help him out anyway! He also winks 24/7 lol. His voice is rlly clear and piercing like he often sings parts of the chorus and his voice draws you in idk it’s nice:) he trained for the second longest amount after scoops (5 years) so they’re super close bc they were together longer than the other membersLee Seokmin aka Dokyeom/DK - an actual ray of sunshine w the most incredible vocals like wow! He is svt’s “happy virus” and boy does he own it!! He is always smiling and laughing and making jokes he is the cutest I stg… He also has a more built figure physically and it’s hot as heck tbh. He, seungkwannie and soonyoung make up the “booseoksoon” trio which is basically the extra/mc/always laughing squad and they are such close friends it’s the cutest ever boo and hosh think he’s the funniest person in the world I love it!! Seokmin also puts a lot of pressure on himself bc he’s main vocal and I feel like he’s super underrated???? But he went on King of Masked Singer and I think he made it through two or three rounds? Anyway he did rlly rlly good (even tho honestly think he has way more potential than what he showed) and I hope it boosted his confidence bc he is incredible!! The judges assumed he was from an older group bc his voice was so mature eeeee!! HE IS SO LOUD OH MY GOD one time they said that the CEO could hear him practicing from the 4th floor while he was in the basement I- He is always the first person to make fun of himself and he doesn’t mind being the brunt of a joke as long as he gets people to laugh it’s adorable:)) He always brings up the mood and helps out the members whenever there is awkwardness w being filmed and such JUST SUPPORT THIS SUNNY BOY HE HAS SO MUCH LOVE AND JOY IN HIS HEART!!Kim Mingyu - the tallest bean on the block and svt’s “visual tree” at a staggering 190cm/6'1" (correct me if I’m wrong I didn’t look this up) but I’m p sure he has grown recently bc he is getting taller everyday I swear? He’s got some good rap mhmm~ But he is such a clumsy pup and the members always make fun of him but it’s okay bc he can take it (he has the best reaction so that’s why they do it) He is dropping things and tripping 25/8 and it’s the cutest thing! But “housewife ming” can legit do anything like he is a true man of many talents damn i.e. cooking, hairstyling, acting, cleaning… But he is so so pretty like who the heck allowed him to be this attractive?? Gyu goes from super visual savior to fluffy pup on the daily and it’s too much to handle… Idk he seems like he might be super cool and chic when you first see him but he is actually just a giggly fool always having a hard time… Mingyu is the only one in svt that I would call the “visual” (only bc he is officially the visual i think they are literally gorgeous okay!!) but he is actually rlly insecure abt it and only calls himself “aspiring visual” and it’s mostly bc of his dark complexion WHICH IS COMPLETELY FLAWLESS AND SO BEAUTIFUL STOP WHITEWASHING KIM MINGYU PLZ but i rlly commend him for being visual despite common opinions/standards on skin color in korea. A lot of people (okay most people) ship him and wonwoo (aka meanie) and I do too, don’t get me wrong, but my all time favorite ship is mingyu and minghao (aka gyuhao) bc same age, they act like they hate each other but are actually super supportive (one of my fave tropes blah) and idk they’re both just confused pups help me and w that transition…

Xu Minghao/Seo Myungho(kor) aka The8 (i never call him the8 ever srry b i don’t like it idk ah) - our “cool cutie” from northeast(i think) China with the most killer bboying skills i’ve ever seen in kpop! He now introduces himself as “The8 with infinite possibilities” and he has been growing more and more as an artist and a person I’m so proud of him!! He trained for the shortest amount of time (~1year+2months i believe) and he really struggled w Korean when he first started. Even after debut he was very quiet but he has been talking more and more lately and he has been doing so well!! Minghao is cute as heck but he is also (along w hannie) svt’s Resident Savage™ and the main usage of his Korean improvement has gone into calling out the other members w his incredible comebacks. Two of his favorite targets seem to be soonyoung and mingyu but he rlly doesn’t hold back on anyone (except maybe jun bc they are such good buddies bc china line and jun helps him w his korean asjkklfjls) But anyway he is an incredible dancer and singer and also rapper!! (give him more lines plz plz plz) vernon has been helping him w his korean rapping but he is already one lit mandarin rapper like damn… But minghao is the most supportive member of svt (hear me out) whenever they do broadcasts or radio shows minghao always gives thumbs ups/supportive smiles/high fives it is the purest thing and part of the reason I love him sm!!! He’s also super cuddly and is always touching/hugging the other members asjkltfasd. Sometimes he doesn’t quite understand a question and the other members help explain it to him it’s my favorite concept (it’s usually soonyoung or seungcheol but i’ve seen p much all of them do it) lately he has been getting more meme-y and idk how to feel but as long as he’s getting out of his comfort zone I am immensely proud of him:))

Boo Seungkwan (boo) - the other main vocal in svt and just generally the loudest and usually mc for the group. Boo has some of the most incredible vocals i’ve seen in my life and he sings probably my favorite cover duet of all time (the high note around 3:05 makes me emotional every time istg also their reactions are me) He’s so talented and his voice is so clear and nice and his RANGE! I could go on forever… To describe seungkwan in two words would be sweet and sassy… He is part of maknae/baby line but he’s always calling people out and bossing them around it’s hilarious. (he is generally hilarious tbh) Also he’s a huge volleyball program nerd it’s great (and possibly haikyuu!! but not confirmed) He’s commonly referred to as divaboo and the video just seungkwan things captures all his divaness perfectly 10/10 would rec! He’s also super english-y all the time probably bc he spends so much time w vernon which is great for us international fans whoop whoop. But back to him being sweet- even though he is definitely his own biggest fan (in the most adorable way omg) he is also svt’s biggest fan he always cheers on his members it’s so cute he’s so soft and good! He cares so much for the fans and he’s head of the Seventeen Fan Cafe (i think) and he’s great abt interacting w carats and all that fanservicey stuff:) He is also super underappreciated honestly support him bc he supports everyone else even tho he’s rlly insecure abt his looks and body even tho he is the most beautiful boo w THE BEST CHEEKBONES IN THE UNIVERSE HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE THINGS DAMN BOY

Hansol Vernon Chwe/Choi Hansol(kor) aka Vernon (bernonie) - One of the most well-known members of svt bc he’s half white and was also a child actor. He has some of the most lit raps tbh and i’m p sure every single one (or almost) has english in it lol. His mom is white and American and his dad is from Korea. Technically he was born in New York, USA BUT BUT BUT he moved to korea when he was five so he doesn’t remember it like at all and every host ever asks him abt it and he always has to say he is basically korean and JUST LET HIM LIVE but since his mom speaks english he is fluent in it (but he has said he is better at korean) He is super super visual and he gets more attractive every day like who the heckkk. Hansol is one of the more popular members so a lot of people would expect him to be outgoing (or even douchey bc he’s half white which is dumb yet it happens) but he is one of the quietest members and usually doesn’t speak up in interviews and such bc he’s kinda shy! BUT THIS DOES NOT I REPEAT DOES NOT MEAN HE IS NOT A MEME!! VERNON IS CONFIRMED THE MEMEIST MEMBER OF SVT ALONG W JOSHUA DON’T FIGHT ME. At this point he has even been dubbed “memesol” bc he makes the best reaction faces in recorded history dear god. He also finds literally everything so hilarious and definitely laughs the most whenever the other members do anything. But honestly he is a super cute, sweet pup who deserves a whole lotta love!! also kinda unrelated but one of my favorite posts of all time is dedicated to him i don’t even know…

Lee Chan aka Dino (MY SON) - I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START W THIS LIL BAB! Lee Chan is svt’s “small giant” maknae who is Michael Jackson’s #1 Fan™ and literal dancing machineeee! He has grown so much since debut i cannot believe and he is getting more confident MY BOY! Honestly his glow up should be some kinda world record bc oh my god it hasn’t even been two years?? AND HIS RAP HAS IMPROVED SO MUCH LIKE EVEN FROM JAM JAM TO OMG Vernon rapped most of jam jam but then in omg chan rapped all of it by himself!!!! ALSO EVEN FROM OMG TO HIGHLIGHT NOW HE TRANSITIONS FROM RAPPING STRAIGHT INTO SINGING WITH THE SAME BREATH I CANNOT BELIEVE!! But he is so creative and funny and full of energy!! He helps hoshi w most of the dances (i think he did most of the choreo for jam jam) and his stage name is dino bc when he steps on the stage he takes it over and becomes a big presence like a dinosaur which is so creative??? he also graduated high school a while back and then just too his entrance exams!! I’m so proud!! But he tries so hard to keep improving and he’s just so pure and has a complete heart of gold♥ He also aspires to be an mc and he works rlly hard to improve his skills on that front too! Chan is so incredibly talented, but again not a whole lot of people bias him which is crazy???? Bc he is so hansome and also my son?? also lowkey savage af But all the members love him a whole lot and he is their baby, even though he is now “an adult” but srry bun no one will probably ever stop calling him baby (esp jeonghan)

#asks #atshinee #svt #seungcheol #jeonghan #joshua #junhui #soonyoung #wonwoo #jihoon #seokmin #mingyu #minghao #seungkwan #hansol #chan #THIS IS TOO LONG

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lesbianbruabba · 6 years

Note

All of the questions 😈

Jokes on you bitch I have time since I’m waiting for drag race to air but oh my god this is gonna be long so i’ll pull an Iza and put it under a read more

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I don’t know

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, even though I don’t feel like I am, people tell me I’m shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My brother when he comes here oh my god. I miss him. I’m going to make him watch a couple crazy music videos and possibly scar him.

@lettiehigh and @akakuro4869-blog and @rippling-waves when I get back to Hong Kong and Tiff and Bella and Karl and Ellie and Miss R and everyone else

@samrull and Lettie again and maybe @lecafenoirx if I go to Bristol in September to see flor

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d say so! Unless you give me a reason to dislike you lol

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably but that’s a stupid question since I don’t drink :)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind people. Usually more on the feminine side? Even the more muscular guys that I thirst after have a few feminine traits like a higher-pitched voice.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope, I’m going back to Hong Kong so there’s even less chance of me being in a relationship lol

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Ryan Ross [insert tongue emoji]

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope. I’m usually way too open, quite a few of my friends are this way too. Literally one time my brother and I shared a hotel room and the first thing he said when my folks were out of earshot is complaining how he can’t jack off for a whole week (I asked him why he couldn’t do it in the shower, he said it was too much effort to do so standing up XD)

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Kasia or Iza about body image? define deep

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Call him or dump his useless ass?” to Lettie

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Victorious by P!atD, Dodie Clark’s cover of Somebody Else by the 1975, I Need My Girl by the National, Pożyczony by Sylwia Grzeszczak and Honey by Kehlani

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah! People at school used to love braiding my hair because it was so long. And I like playing with people’s hair, because I can French braid on others but I can’t do it with myself :/

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ll say last summer since it’s not quite summer yet now. Well, I was accepted into Edi, got a 38 on the IBDP which is not too bad, and celebrated my birthday with my squad (rip)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yep :)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I fkin hope not

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

My first actual crush or like, elementary school crush? But no on both counts

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I’ve never had one :/ I’ve never had a ~bath~ tbh. I want to try in the summer because home in Hong Kong has a bathtub.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I like my flatmates here, we like the same kind of porn and vines. I don’t know my neighbors well enough back home

21. What are you bad habits?

I trust too easily, I am intelligent but lazy when it comes to schoolwork (I procrastinate), I worry way too fucking much about everything, I have crushes on people that I should NOT have crushes on sometimes (see: gay men)

22. Where would you like to travel?

I answered this a while back I think but as far as I could remember it’s a lot of european places - Oslo, Aarhus (I’m going to Copenhagen!!), Moscow, Tallinn, Berlin, Lublin, Warsaw, Kraków, Gdańsk, Lyon, Lisbon, Prague, honestly just count in every capital haha. I’m not good at geography. Also, Tasmania, Tokyo, Osaka (I’ve been twice but it’s. So good), London, Glasgow are all places I’d go again.

23. Do you have trust issues?

With my mum yeah lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Talking to my friends (basically everyone I’ve tagged up there I don’t have many friends lmao)

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My thighs because they’re heavily scarred, my tummy because fat, double chin, face because weirdly big lips and weird shape and small eyes, honestly most of my body if I’m being honest, when I’m not corseted.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Go through tumblr, twitter, instagram, kik, snapchat, emails, facebook, usually in that order. And then maybe scroll a bit more through tumblr and drag myself awake. Brush teeth and drink juice for breakfast.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

My skin tone is fine. I’m kinda pale for a Chinese girl (according to others, but my skin’s gotten darker in recent years) so I sometimes have to use white people products. I only lighten my skin for doing goth-y makeup so in those instances i’d love to have lighter skin. (then again, I’m talking like...wallpaper white if possible pls)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My friends and my brother.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

What exes lmao

30. Do you ever want to get married?

If it’s with the right person yeah.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

My hair is long enough for several pony tails

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Men - Jawn and Ryan Ross

Women - Stephanie Beatriz and Lynn Gunn

33. Spell your name with your chin

cbhreusftjd

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Exactly - what sports?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV. I can’t live without music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Would’ve said yes up to this morning haha

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

So, do you know what a furry is?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Emo, responsible, kind, good sense of humor, understanding, appreciates Ryan Ross, doesn’t mind me checking my phone a lot [insert date in Hong Kong meme]

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Damaged Society for band merch, Ann Summers for lingerie, various taobao shops for lolita fashion, Restyle for corsets

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Study linguistics at university. Hey! I’m doing that!

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No but most people do

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I don’t feel like talking/I’m depressed/I’m thinking

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Not like randomly?...

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER I LIKE BEING SAFE OH MY GOD

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Brushing my teeth or needing to pee?

46. What are you paranoid about?

I’m paranoid that I won’t graduate uni, about not being able to find a job that I will be happy at (doesn’t have to be a dream job but I don’t want to work at something I hate like a factory), I’m paranoid that no one will ever love me esp. romantically, that my family will never accept me as a bisexual woman, that I won’t be able to migrate to the UK before I’m 30 or worse before China takes back Hong Kong in 2047 and I will be trapped in hellish censorship conservative society, that depression and anxiety will drive me to off myself before any of that could even happen

47. Have you ever been high?

Noooooooooo don’t do drugs :( I say, even though I am friends with a drug dealer lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope, alcohol tastes gross

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Recently no. But like when I was a kid yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Pink!

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Every day :/

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I want to weigh 80lbs. It’s been this stupid ‘goal’ throughout teenagehood and I know it’s stupid and unhealthy but I really want to. I don’t care if I won’t have boobs.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Maybelline has good concealer

54. Favourite store?

Damaged Society

55. Favourite blog?

Can’t make me pick between these two

56. Favourite colour?

Pink

57. Favourite food?

Tiramisu and also siu mai but only the fish ones because they taste like garlic and also calbee chips, british junk food is garbage compared to the stuff we have in hong kong (they’ve got good sweets here though)

58. Last thing you ate?

Spaghetti carbonara

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t eat today till dinner which was spaghetti carbonara

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first runner up in a nationwide comp for poetry. I wrote a depressing poem that ended up with my English teacher sending a concerned email to my folks lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

*gasp* I am a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?

Oh my god. I’m a good girl. I’m not with that kinda shit

63. Ever been in love?

I have fallen in love but not like...reciprocated love, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Ooh this is fun. He offered to be my first kiss and I said sure and we made out and it was nice and less scary than I thought but I forgot to close my eyes

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I had too much spaghetti :(((((

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

are you calling my tumblr friends fake

But no I love them all. Also given that half of my irl friends are on tumblr idk what to say lmao

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr is the MOST SUPERIOR SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE IT IS TRASH

69. Are you watching tv right now?

We’d need a TV license for that. and a TV. so no

I’ve got netflix

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Lettie, Chloe, Iza, Natalie, Daniel (my brother), Karl, Bella (but she’s mad at me so idk), there’s a couple of people who I consider close friends but idk if they’re okay with me calling them my best friends

71. Craving something? What?

A GETAWAY FROM THE SMOOTH TALK THAT’S KEEPING ME GROUNDED TO THE CARPET IN MY ROOM MY QUIET BLUE TOMB OF YOU

72. What colour are your towels?

Both purple why

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. Or zero if I kick it to the floor by accident. I mostly hug it.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No :(

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

zero. I have a stuffed L Lawliet from Death Note though. It’s a present for my mum when I get home. I’ve also got a few stuffies back home courtesy of Lettie and Bella

75. Favourite animal?

Humans but I like dogs and cats and rats are kinda cute too?

76. What colour is your underwear?

Right now it’s white but I’ve got beige and grey ones I’m kinda boring

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Coffee

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

White, my waterparks shirt :)

80. What colour pants?

Blue denim shorts

81. Favourite tv show?

Drag race, b99, the good place, parks and rec, ASOUE

82. Favourite movie?

Dzien Swira it’s funny and depressing

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean girls but i’ve not seen the second one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean girls, idk what the other one is

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

The nice girl

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk...the blue fish? Ellen Degeneres?

87. First person you talked to today?

Iza

88. Last person you talked to today?

Kasia

89. Name a person you hate?

Uhhhhhhhm Doanld Trump?

90. Name a person you love?

My brother he’s so smart and creative and sweet and makes the worst puns and he loves fall out boy and tries to be an edgelord and it’s super adorable so that’s great

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

My feelings bc they dumb

92. In a fight with someone?

Kiiiiiiiinda? More like she’s mad at me and idk what to do about it because i refuse to go to fucking london with her because international plane tickets are expensive as heck and she wants me to go in the middle of summer when i’m home

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

easy, 0

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A Lot. Like 10.

95. Last movie you watched?

Dzien Swira

96. Favourite actress?

Sara Canning and Stephanie Beatriz make me v gay

97. Favourite actor?

Neil Patrick Harris because Count Olaf

98. Do you tan a lot?

No lmao

99. Have any pets?

m-my brother...?

100. How are you feeling?

Impatient because drag race hasn’t aired yet. Lonely because my favorite flatmate moved out and there’s no one to chat with me at 3am anymore. Frustrated because my crush-y feelings are being dumb. Sad because my mum is kiiiiiiiiiiiinda homophobic and I imagine myself getting married to a woman not a man (it’s more likely) so :/

101. Do you type fast?

68 WPM? Is that fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I regret a lot of things. But it’s okay I’ve not turned out too bad overall considering. I’m also glad I did a lot of things, so

103. Can you spell well?

I think so yeah

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes absolutely in particular one person because sometimes I regret things that I did with good intentions and never stop regretting :/

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

I’ve been to a campfire so kinda??

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Nah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes!! When I was a kid

108. What should you be doing?

It’s 1am so prolly sleeping but who has time for that amirite

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah my mum. And my feelings

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes lmaoooooo don’t read me like this

111. Do you have trust issues?

This was a question up there. Why is it asked again. You’re making me have trust issues

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Ooh shit I don’t know I haven’t cried in front of people for a while mostly because I shut myself in my room but prolly my brother or my mum back home

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one (that I liked)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

~that’s not a thing~ uwu

115. Do you play the Wii?

No my mum is against video games

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes I’m listening to Dear Uber Driver

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never had it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

I like dim sum and egg tarts and a lot of HK street food so yes?

119. Favourite book?

Suck Less by Willam

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Sometimes, but at other times it’s oddly comforting

121. Are you mean?

:o I am the least mean person to exist

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No unless it’s in NTAL but even then it’s like hmmmm is it tho

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I think it’s possible but unlikely

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah I’d like to

126. Are you currently bored?

No because this is keeping me entertained until I can watch drag race

127. What makes you happy?

Talking to my friends, sending them dumb tumblr shitposts, sending my brother disturbing gifs, getting weird gifs from Chloe, thirsting over Jawn with Iza, hearing that my friends are happy, reading and sharing poetry with friends, listening to music, playing the ukulele, eating junk food and watching b99, answering tumblr asks, writing poetry, drawing

128. Would you change your name?

I don’t like Christie so yes. Would change my Chinese name too it’s too annoying to write.

129. What your zodiac sign?

Leo//rabbit

130. Do you like subway?

No :(

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Brenda, he’s gay. Very very very gay, think a 6 on the kinsey scale

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Again. this has been asked. What kinda unprofessionalism

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I think with my heart and love with my head

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean...in theory yes but why would I do that

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told my mum I was striaght lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed. What the fuck

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have straight hair, I want wavy hair. Or bangs.

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I have black hair. I tend to have blondes/general bright hair as a ‘type’ when it comes to romantic affection/crushes but it’s also not v accurate

also, I want pink hair. I had a dream where my brother loved MANIA so much he dyed his hair purple

140. Summer or Winter?

WINTER. BUT WITHOUT SNOW. Summer brings out my skin problems so I have a v valid reason to hate it. Also I’m fat so my thigh chafe in summer if I walk more than an hour

141. Night or Day?

I am usually, unfortuantely, only awake at night and like maybe late afternoon.

142. Favourite month?

I don’t have one. December I guess bc it’s acceptable to play christmas music. or June bc pride month

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope. I don’t love meat though.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk. With sea salt and caramel. I’m a classy hoe

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee. Either iced americano or some sweet frappe shit

146. Was today a good day?

Today was a very good day. I told my crush I liked her, slept away most of the day, watched a lot of brooklyn nine-nine and listened to Dodie while doing German and Polish on duolingo and I read Chloe’s poetry and it was very good. Link here. And Kasia gave me lots of good song recs. And drag race is up soon (it’s technically tomorrow but whatever).

147. Mars or Snickers?

I can’t pick because Snickers has such a great texture, but also mars bars has the perfect nougat to caramel to chocolate ratio? Probably mars wins out by a bit

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Hewwo” - Aquaria, RuPaul’s Drag Race

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I’d like to think souls can see what we’re doing after they pass away.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Adjective opposites and their comparatives” from a Polish grammar book.

Thank you for this long ass ask

drag race still hasn’t fucking aired so i’m gonna watch more b99 and drink fanta

#answered #anon #about me #hi i gave up on using tags bc it's annoying so i tagged everyone once and thats it #it's all the usual suspects that i tag anyway #xo fuckers

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