#it’s easier to diagnose your dog than yourself

[otakusheep15]

Hi there! I recently got diagnosed with discoid meniscus and I have an MRI and a surgery soon (as well as physio)

This hurts a lot and walking up stairs or a 10 minute walk is dreadful for me

Could you do it with the obey me bros pls? I don't see a lot about my condition much or at all, so it would be nice if u could bring some light to it :33

I actually have a pretty similar condition to you Anon! I've had about three surgeries to reconstruct my knees, so now I have a bunch of metal in them. I completely get the pain, and I'd be more than happy to write about it!

I am gonna try and keep this a bit more generic, but the reader/MC will have a major leg injury. Talks of surgery and injury will be included, but the reader/MC has not yet had any surgeries, just considering it.

Lucifer

Unlike most of his brothers, Lucifer is more practical about your injury. He's the only one who knew about it before the exchange program started, so he took the necessary precautions before you even showed up.

His biggest contribution is that he modified the stairs in the main hall. If you have a wheelchair/mobility aid, he cast a spell on the stairs so that they'll turn into a ramp so that it's easier for you to get up. He also added extra handrails/grips along the stairs so that you can hold on if needed.

He's very protective of you out in public. He constantly has his eyes on you, watching for any signs of discomfort. Constant reminders from him to take breaks when you need, and he punishes anyone who makes fun of you for needing a break.

If your legs ever feel sore, Lucifer is great at massages. He also regularly studies up on physical therapy-type exercises to help strengthen your legs. He never pushes you, but he does encourage you to do these exercises when you can.

If you ever consider surgery, Lucifer will help you look for the best doctor possible. Money is no obstacle for him, and he offers to pay for any and all expenses. He also stays with you in the Human World while you recover, as he doesn't want to risk you being down in the Devildom while you're still healing.

If you're ever injured, such as your knee popping out of socket or pulling a muscle, he's the first to look after you. Plenty of medicine and attention, and he makes sure to keep his brothers away so that they don't bother you while you rest. He's hesitant to use magic to help you, as he doesn't want you to become reliant on it for help, but if it's an extreme injury, he'll make an exception.

Mammon

He most likely is not aware of your injury unless you tell him. If you have a strange walk, such as a limp, he might make fun of you for it, not realizing it's because you're injured. After you and/or Lucifer explain to him how stupid he sounds, he apologizes, and he does genuinely feel bad.

Now he is your scary (adorable) guard dog. He's constantly going with you if you need to run an errand, and he gets upset if you ask him to let you go alone. Truthfully, he's scared for what might happen if you go out by yourself. He knows how cruel demons can be, and he'd hate it if he wasn't there to protect you. Still, if you're adamant, he'd agree to leave you be.

Definitely the type to bedazzle your mobility aid if you have one. Of course, he asks permission first, but if you let him, he's going all out. Stickers, glitter, and tacky, plastic jewels now adorn your mobility aids, and Mammon is very proud of himself.

Mammon is for sure the type to pick you up and walk you up the stairs himself. If you don't like it, he'll stop after the first time, but if you let him, he'll do it every time. If there's a set of stairs you need to go up, he's already picking you up before you even ask. Do his brothers make fun of him? Yes. Does he care? Absolutely not.

If you ever plan on having surgery, he's a bit afraid for you. Mammon has a tendency to overestimate how fragile humans can be, so when he hears the word 'surgery', his mind immediately jumps to the worst. Just reassure him that you'll be okay if you decide to go through with it, and he'll be fine. He definitely studies up on the best ways to help someone recover from a surgery, and he's a surprisingly good caretaker for you.

He's also good at caring for you if you get injured. If you hurt your leg somehow, he's immediately bringing you to the nearest private space and checking to see how bad your injury is. His first instinct is to use magic to heal your leg, but if that doesn't work, his next plan is most likely to call Lucifer and ask what he should do. He's mostly just panicking because he hates seeing you injured, but when he does manage to calm down, he is a lot better at caring for you.

Leviathan

As someone who experiences chronic pain, Levi gets it. He's in constant pain nearly all the time, so if you need help with finding ways to get comfortable, he's your guy. But beyond that, he's not much help with anything else. He barely takes care of his own pain, so the chances of him being able to help much with yours is slim at best. He does his best though.

If you feel sore, he's got lots of spaces to chill out and rest your legs. He has many different types of chairs, beanbags, the bathtub, and even his floor, which is surprisingly comfortable. He'd totally be down to build you a makeshift nest so that you have somewhere to rest and prop your leg up.

Out of all the brothers, Levi is one of the best at distraction and comfort. If you're feeling a lot of pain or soreness, his room is the best place to be. He can distract you with anime, games, manga, and more. Sometimes, you're just in pain and there's not much you can do about it, so having a distraction is usually the best option in these instances.

Still, despite what you may think, even Levi knows that there's a limit to how much you can distract yourself before you actually need help. His brothers have had to pull him out of his cave many times because they know he's in pain and ignoring it. If he ever sees you starting to develop the same destructive tendencies as him, he'll do his best to pull you out of it.

If you ever plan on getting surgery, his room is the best recovery zone you could ask for. There's a lot to do in his room, and none of it requires much physical activity, so your legs can heal while you hang out with him. He also knows a lot about how to work out your leg to keep it from stiffening up, even if he doesn't utilize these exercises himself all that much. Any pain meds you might have are tucked away in a secure location with all of his medicine, and he sets extra timers for you so that you remember to take them if needed.

If you injure your leg, Levi is not the best help unfortunately. He panics immediately, and there's not a very good chance he'll get himself out of his panic in time to help you. In cases like these, it's best to have someone else on speed dial, such as Lucifer or Barbatos. After your leg is healed, Levi is very apologetic that he couldn't be very helpful. He tries his best to overcome his own panic so that he'll be better able to help you in the future.

Satan

Out of everyone, Satan is the most likely to do actual research about your disability. Like, I'm talking hours in the library reading every medical journal he can find so that he can fully understand what you go through. He also asks you questions if you're comfortable answering them. He won't pressure you to answer though.

He will definitely get mad at anyone who makes fun of you or tries to make your life harder. If you don't want him to confront them, he won't for your sake, but he really wants to fight them. Please let him fight them for you.

If you have any mobility aids, he will help you modify them to be better suited for the Devildom, if you'd like him to of course. It's mch different down here compared to the human world, so having modified aids would be helpful to you during your stay. If you don't want them modified at all, he'd be more than happy to buy you some alternative aids instead.

Satan is very good at giving massages if you ever feel sore. Maybe you've been walking around all day, or maybe you just woke up sore. It happens, and he'll never judge you for why you feel sore. If you'd like him to, he has no problem giving you a massage. His room is not the best for relaxing since he has so many books piled everywhere, but he tries his best to clear a path for you so that you won't have to step over all of them.

If you ever plan on having surgery, Satan is your best bet for a caretaker. He's calm and patient, and he always knows what you need to feel better. He's a great cook and he doesn't mind taking care of chores. he also makes sure you take all of your prescribed medication and that you get enough rest. Satan would prefer it if you stayed in the human world during your recovery, as he believes it's safer and less stressful than staying in the Devildom, but if you'd rather stay in the Devildom, he'll gladly stay at the House of Lamentation with you.

If you're injured, Satan is one of the better demons to call on. He has a lot of medical knowledge, so he'd know better than most of his brothers about how to take care of you. He'd try to fix it on his own if he knew how to. He can fix a dislocated knee no problem, and he's fine with other small forms of injury. If it's a bigger injury, he'd be tempted to use magic to heal you, but only as a last resort.

Asmodeus

He may not know everything about your disability, and he may not be the best caretaker of all time, but Asmo is the best at hyping you up and making you feel good. Any insecurity you may have about your disability is gone when you're around him.

No one dares to insult you in his presence. If he even suspects that someone has been bullying you for having a disability, it's on sight. Or, more accurately, he's sending Satan and/or Beel to fight for him. Either way, that demon is dead.

If you let him, Asmo would absolutely bedazzle any mobility aids you might have. He'll design you a leg brace that's colorful and sparkly, all while still being fully functional. Any canes or walkers are covered in fun stickers and glitter, and wheelchairs are not spared either. If you'd rather he keep them plain, he'll be a little pouty, but he doesn't mind. Instead, he'll focus his efforts into creating a new line of fashionable mobility aids. He thinks it's fun to design something that's actually useful along with being cute.

He's also very good at helping you coordinate outfits that fit with your mobility aids. Leg braces tend to be hard to style around, and he knows that. Sometimes they can be bulky and stiff, meaning that picking out what to wear with them can be nearly impossible. If you ever need help finding something to wear, Asmo is your go-to. He won't judge you for needing help, and the two of you spend the whole day shopping and looking around for cute outfit ideas.

If you plan on having surgery, Asmo is not the best caretaker, but he tries his best for you. If he needs any help, he'll most likely call Satan or Lucifer and ask what he should do to help you. Most of his care involves him trying to keep you entertained. Resting all day can be boring, and he knows that he wouldn't enjoy being stuck inside all day. He finds movies and tv shows to binge with you, finds silly games you can play, and even puts on cute little fashion shows for you. Asmo is still a fairly responsible caretaker, but maybe have Lucifer on speed dial just in case.

If you're injured, maybe don't call Asmo right away. More likely than not, he'll freak out and panic instead of helping you. Instead, call someone else to help you with your injury, and then call Asmo after so that he can fawn over you. He'll act all offended that you didn't call on him first, but deep down he knows he wouldn't have been much help to you. He does try his best to work on himself so that he can help you more in the future.

Beelzebub

Beel may not be the most informed about human world disabilities, but he is also the most willing to learn. All he wants is to be helpful to those he cares about, and you're one of those people. If he needs to sort through every medical journal he can find to understand how to help you, he will. He may not understand most of the medical nonsense listen in the journals, but he tries his best for you, and he actually learns quite a lot in the process.

Most likely to carry you around if you need it. All of the brothers are more than capable of carrying you just fine, but Beel is most used to carrying others around. He does it for his brothers all the time, so it's no different for you in his mind. If you can't get up a flight of stairs or you broke/lost your mobility aid, Beel is right there to haul you to wherever you need.

Beel is also very good at caring for you, surprisingly. He deals with a lot of injuries because of how often he gets hurt during games/practice, so he knows a thing or two about first aid. He's not the best at it compared to an actual doctor, but if you need anything bandaged up, or perhaps a brace of some kind, he's got you. He's also got plenty of ice/heat packs if you feel sore, plus tons of muscle relaxers and other such drugs, although he's more hesitant to give anything like that to you since he's not sure what kind of dosage you'd need. If you have your own medication, he'd be more than willing to hold onto some for you in case of emergency.

If you plan on having surgery, Beel is a decent option as a caretaker. Not the best, but certainly not the worst either. He may be easily distracted by his own hunger, but as long as he's well-fed, he's good at taking care of you. Like I said, he knows a good amount already due to his own injuries, and anything he doesn't know he can just research. During recovery, you will not have to move an inch because he'll just get everything for you. If you want food or a drink, he already has it, and he doesn't mind running errands if you need anything specific. He's also good at helping you with physical therapy.

If you get an injury, he's a good option to call. Beel is best at short term solutions, like bandaging you up until you find a more permanent solution. Maybe not the best for serious injuries, as he can only do so much with his limited knowledge, but small injuries like a popped knee or sore muscles are where he can help the best.

Belphegor

If nothing else, Belphie is very good at helping you relax. If your muscles are tense or spasming, he's arguably your best go-to. He's shockingly good at massages, but his specific brand of magic is also good for relaxation, not just putting someone to sleep.

He's also the most understanding about how tired you must be all the time (besides Levi). Having any kind of leg injury is tiring and painful, and he knows good and well that you need breaks. If you're ever feeling tired or worn-out, his bed is always open to you, and so is the attic. He'll also fight anyone who makes fun of you for needing to rest, as he's most likely dealt with similar comments for how often he falls asleep.

He's not the most experienced with mobility aids, but he is good at making things comfortable. If you specifically wear any kind of brace that makes you uncomfortable, he's your best bet if you want to find something better. Maybe something with extra padding or something that sits on your leg better. If you wear one of those bigger braces that prevent your knee from bending, he's also good at helping you prop it up on some pillows. Basically, if you have a hard time getting comfy, go to Belphie. He's more than happy to help.

If you plan on having surgery, he's a fairly decent caretaker. I can't promise that he won't fall asleep in the middle of caring for you, but he's not bad while he's awake. He's the best at helping you find comfortable ways to place your leg while you sleep or rest, and he's also good at helping you relax after physical therapy. As for anything else, he has no problems running errands for you for food, but it might take him a while to get around to it.

If you're injured, maybe don't call Belphie. To be honest, he has no clue how to deal with major, or even minor, injuries, so you're better off calling for someone else to help you. However, he is good at taking care of you after your injury has been properly dealt with. If you do get majorly injured, he'll most likely feel bad that he couldn't help you, so he'll do his best to learn more about how to help you in the future.

[panzershrike-pretz]

THIS! This tag game seems so fun! Made by the amazing @ronald-speirs!

Favorite place in the world you’ve visited?

That would be either the alps in Germany or the Salinas beach, here in Brazil! I adored both the snow and thes amount of stuff i find at the beach there

Something you’re proud of yourself for?

The amount of progress I made since being diagnosed with autism, depression and anxiety. Even if I stopped going to therapy, I feel like the diagnosis (esspecially the autism one) shed so much light on my life, and I was able to makes the world around me (even if just at home) more confortable for myself by understanding myself more and adjusting the way I do things so it's easier on me.

Favorite books?

Hmmmmm let's see- the Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children series, obviously, but I also LOVE The Book Thief, American Gods and definetely Warrior Cats (I only read the first arc, so Idk how good's the rest xD)

Something that makes your heart happy when thinking about it?

My dog and my characters! Love them :]

Favorite thing about your culture?

Hmmmmmm probably food? But I'm extremely picky so I don't even eat most of our stuff 💀 i do love feijoada, brigadeiro, pastel and coxinha tho- Idk about the rest KAKAKAKA other than that, the slangs. So cool. Love it

When did you join the HBO War fandom? What was the first show you watched?

Back at the end of 2022 or early 2023 was when I first heard about it, but as for officially joining...? Probably like. 5 or 6 months ago? I have no idea what time even is-

The first show was Band of Brothers :D

Have you read any of Easy Company’s books? If so, which ones were your favorite?

Nope. And won't.

Favorite HBO War character and your favorite moment with them?

Webster. Him shoving himself on the ground was the best. Just like me fr💕

Do you make content for any fandoms, if so; what sort of content?

Uhhhhh I make memes and occasionally fanart? I wouldn't classify this as content but when I'm really into something I take some aspects of it for my own world, so I can always keep it close to me, even if the hyperfixation faded a bit with time

Favorite actor/actress and your favorite film of theirs?

I know no one- but I do like Bud Spencer and Terence Hill's movies. They are the only actors I know the name of 💀 I like the funny coeboy movies, many good memories watching them with dad when I was a kid (and still doing so, every now and then)

Favorite quote/s that you wish to share with others?

"I'll beat you with a dead cat 'till it starts mewing" - a popular brazilian saying (the best ever)

Random fact your mutuals/followers don’t know about you?

HmmmmmmmmI share so much about myself that I don't even know 💀 probably that I once fell facefirst on a river when I was 4, while I was fishing? That was A Day

If you’re a writer, do you need a beta reader (say yes so I can be your beta reader 🤭)?

I don't write much but!! I did write something yesterday about my characters and idk if I should post, but if you're interested, I can show you :D

Three things that make you smile?

My dog, my characters, birds

Any nicknames you like?

Based off my real name I like "Rah", but only when used irl. As for the internet, I love Pretz! And I have a special one my best friend @isazmoon gave me, which is Pretzu, but this ones I feel like it's only hers :3

List some people you love to see around on tumblr!

@1waveshortofashipwreck @xxluckystrike @ronald-speirs @ronsparky @minha-xuh @whollyjoly @sweetxvanixlla!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!! AMAZING PEOPLE!!

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

What would I live for, my stupid ass can't even run 😭 i'd die fast as fuck. And I know all my friendswould die too so we all just perish together 💕💕💕 friendship goals

Favorite movie?

How To Train Your Dragon? Wolfwalkers? Saving Private Ryan? Pirates of the Caribbean? Can't probably choose only one, it's torture

Do you like horror movies?

Ehh, not much? I prefer animations

Tags (no pressure): @xxluckystrike @whollyjoly @ronsparky @sweetxvanixlla @grumpy-liebgott @1waveshortofashipwreck @blueberry-ovaries @minha-xuh (hey Gih, if you want you can take off the HBOwar bits and/or replace them with MPHFPC, since you're from another fandom, feel free!)

[that-bipolar-mood]

hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about

I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.

-Axel

Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.

Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.

It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".

Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)

1. You are still you

I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.

2. Acceptance isn't linear

Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.

3. This illness is dangerous

So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.

4. What happened sucks, but...

Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.

5. Let others be

This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.

I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.

Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.

If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,

x

[lost-spoons]

Hi.

My younger sibling (15) was just diagnosed with VCD, after years of struggling with an inability to breathe we thought had to do with their chronic asthma. They're really struggling, because their speech pathologist has banned them from soft drinks, caffeine, yelling, and singing loudly, the last two hitting them especially hard because the only two things they really enjoy doing are singing loudly as a stress reliever and taekwondo (black belt!! instructor until they had to drop out because breathing issues), which requires near constant yelling. They're really upset, and I guess my question is just is there anything I can do to help? I feel really helpless and hate seeing them struggle like this. their mental health is already not the best, with their depression and anxiety disorder getting a lot worse since dropping taekwondo. I wanted to ask someone whose been dealing with VCD for longer.

Hey there.

First off, congratulations to them on receiving the diagnosis. It sucks, but knowing what's wrong is always helpful as it makes it easier to find the lists of do's and don't's so they don't have to find them firsthand at random moments. I'm honestly not sure how much help I can be. I've technically only had the diagnosis for a year or two, but have been dealing with it since 2018 or 2019.

I think it's great that you want to help, and I'm happy to help you help your sibling, but I have two rules when it comes to people helping those with medical issues:

1) Their medical issues aren't about you. I don't mean that rudely or negatively. Like I said, I think it's great you want to help, and I am in no way trying to belittle your feelings because your feelings are valid, but your sibling's medical issues are first and foremost about how they feel, not you. Some people like receiving help, and some like their independence/doing things themself. Sometimes helping is seen as hovering, and giving them space to be independent is seen as isolation or abandonment. I'll trust you to know which one your younger sibling is, and how best to handle that.

2) Don't assume anything. Communicate with each other. I have an older and younger sibling so I know that you both love and annoy each other, but adding medical issues to the dynamic can cause issues, so communicating with each other is the best advice I can give.

With that said, here's the information I got.

VCD is annoying as hell and can be very frustrating, especially as time goes on. You have to limit yourself because your body has given you a new, smaller limit of abilities, and it's hard to follow those. This will cause a spiral of some sort. Usually into anger or depression, unless they've got 'lucky' and are neurodivergent/mentally-ill in the way that they, don't process emotions properly. I'm 'lucky' so I don't feel those things, other than being horribly annoyed, but if your sibling isn't 'lucky', as it sounds like they aren't, help them out of the spiral. Introduce them to a new hobby. Maybe a joint hobby you can both do, maybe a hobby they can do on their own. See if you can get them a companion, a fish, a lizard, a cat, a dog, just something else to focus on. Distractions are great, but it's a balancing act. You can't ignore the issue, incorporate things they need as accommodations into your normal day, but don't point out the accommodations unless they ask or talk about them.

Being mindful is really the best thing you can do.

My suggestion for them is to look up ways to KT-tape to reduce strain on their voice box. Another two are blowing raspberries (buzzing your lips) while going up and down the vocal scale, and blowing bubbles in water while humming. The two exercises use physics against you to help strengthen the voice box, and could also be a temp replacement for singing.

I love the well-deserved, subtle bragging, but am unsure what to do about the no yelling issue that limits them from teaching. I also don't know anything about taekwondo, other than it is an activity that requires a lot of discipline, so would it be possible for the kids/students to accommodate your sibling by being quieter or pausing for instructions so your sibling doesn't have to yell to teach?

If they want someone to relate to, here you go:

I've had VCD for around 6 years, and only 1 or 2 of those years have been with the diagnosis. At first, they thought it was just my asthma acting up. The fact that I have the cough variant of asthma did not help at all. My breathing doctor overmedicated me and I ended up in the hospital for a weekend stay. I've done the breathing tests that make you lightheaded, make your chest hurt, and set off your asthma. I've done those tests repeatedly. I've had the camera slid down my nose to see my vocal cords multiple times, with the first doctor saying everything looks fine and sending me to neuro, which I've learned, is often the doctor before they send you to psychic.

I've also had to cut carbonated drinks out, almost completely. The only one I still drink is ginger beer, not the sweet sugary stuff, but the strong spicy real ginger ones in bottles that do look like beer. It's good for upset stomachs and nausea so I drink it every once in a while. I've switched to decaf coffee and have limited my caffeinated teas and chocolate consumption. Key word, limited, not cut out. I still eat and drink stuff I technically shouldn't, but I'm prepared to offer every once in a while. I also can't actually speak more than a handful of strained words a day, because my VCD causes my subconscious to use my false vocal cords instead of my true vocal cords, which is very bad in the long term, so there's definitely no singing or yelling for me either.

[certainlysleepy]

Hey it’s that anon that’s was talking to Sam about chronic pain.

How in gods names are you so positive about it? I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just trying to talk to other people with chronic pain and depression like me.

Hello! :)

[Tw/cw: I discuss some pretty heavy and personal parts of my own past and experiences below the cut with no censoring my words or phrases. Please be safe.]

If I were to tell you that it’s easy, I would be flat out lying. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’m oddly optimistic bordering naivety about everything, so I’m certain that’s a part of it, but the simplest way I can put it?: I don’t have a choice.

This is just… my body. The only one I have, the only one I’m ever going to get. I can make my own amendments to make it easier to exist in (surgeries, aesthetic modifications, etc), but at the end of the day? No matter what I do, it’s just… how it is. I don’t have to love that body, I don’t even have to like it. I can hate things about it, I can hate the hand that’s been dealt to me… But the universe doesn’t offer second chances.

It’s been a long, long time for me to be able to accept this. Living through years of heavy depression, dysphoria, and three suicide attempts, it’s a little easier to grasp the idea that, hey, it might not get easier. It might get harder. It might get worse. But. The sunrises are beautiful. There are people who would miss me. There are books to be read, art to be created, flowers to enjoy, and I’m the only one who can consume all those things in a way unique to me.

I’ve always lived with depression and anxiety; I was diagnosed with both very young. My chronic pain began when I was around 10, most likely as the result of sports. I was diagnosed with POTS at 18, a chronic condition that has no cure, causes vomiting and intense nausea spells, constant dizziness, and an inability to regulate temperature, among many other symptoms. In the beginning of POTS, before I got a diagnosis, I sincerely thought I was dying - for once not by my own hand - and it just made me realize that I was achingly young, I was never allowed to exist and be just myself, and there was so many things I wanted to do and see on my own. I wanted to go to the movie theatre with friends. I wanted to have a sleepover. I wanted to visit my birthplace. Etc etc… I existed in my bed for months, sleeping most of the time, and I hated it. So, when I finally could get up? I got tools to help: a cane, a wheelchair, a walker, more medications, instant cold packs, you name it. Anything and everything that I could get my hands on, just so that I could go and grow.

And yeah, it absolutely fucking SUCKS. And more days than not, I think it would be so much better if I just didn’t exist. But I’ve been told that life is worth it, and there’s no downside to being stubborn about it until I finally get to see that worth for myself. And it’s already paying off: Finding joy in the small things. Seeing my dogs light up when I come downstairs. Hearing my girlfriend’s laugh. Watching my parents dance in the kitchen. Feeling pride in my sister’s achievements- both of them, one living in my house and one several states away, not related to me by blood. Making silly art. Making stupider stories. Enjoying fast food. Anything that I can wring any amount of serotonin from.

My advice? Take it easy; you deserve the rest. Be cautious, listen to your body, set boundaries and limits. Get mobility or stability aids. Be kind to yourself above all. Seek out the help and company of others. Find things you enjoy, even just a little bit. And sincerely, things will get easier.

And if they don’t, come back to me, and I’ll send you a video of me eating something outlandish. That’s something to look forward to, at the very least :)

[monachopsis-11]

Brief life update in bullet points because I have no spoons and it’s easier 💛

I was planning to post more in April because Autism Acceptance month but I’ve been really overwhelmed and I decided to just be kind to myself instead of trying to force it

My grandma has been in the hospital and luckily she’s alright but I’ve been so stressed and it was a huge upset to my routine, not to mention having extra people in the house

I finally had the last appointment of my assessment and I’m now officially diagnosed with autism, anxiety, and a math learning disability

Was told that if I hadn’t figured it out myself I probably never would’ve been diagnosed like that should be comforting, like “hey our system is discriminatory and unfair so you could’ve suffered your whole life in silence, congratulations!” I’m annoyed

Went to a college event for admitted students and got super overstimulated not to mention more anxious than I’ve been since school but I talked to some people and I think it went alright

Got my single room accommodation finalized and a lot of other accommodations on my record as well so that’s cool and a relief since they have a limited amount of single rooms

Little to no progress on the service dog front, my parents aren’t making a huge effort to try and help me with that so I’ve pretty much been left to my own devices (still hoping and scheming desperately but idk how it would work at this point 😢)

Probably other stuff happened too but for now this is all I’ve got

Hope you’re all doing well (P.S. friendly reminder to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, and be kind to yourself)

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

096 of 2024

created by joybucket

1. When was the last time you went to church? Before I left to my vacation in Poland. I've started going to churches recently - not for holy masses, but just to find peace. I like how quiet churches are when there's no one there.

2. If you could trade hair with any one person, whose hair would you choose have, and why? No idea. This is such an interesting question, though.

3. How many pairs of pajama pants do you own that have animals on them? None.

4. If you own any pajamas with animals on them, what animals are they? N/A.

5. If you wanted to get a dog that looked like you, which breed of dog would you get, and why? Azawakh, hands down. They're long and narrow like me lol. They also have long limbs like me.

6. Do you have a hard time letting go of things? Very much so. I'm much more emotional than I show.

7. When was the last time you experienced a miracle, and what was it? In 2021, when I was brought back to life after massive brain haemorrhage and I came back to almost full mobility, just my hand is beyond repair.

8. When was the last time you colored in an adult coloring book? I don't think I ever did it.

9. How many cellphones have you owned in your lifetime? Like, 10? It's only an estimation :P

10. Name one celebrity who is the same age as you. Emma Watson for a woman, The Weeknd for man.

11. How old were you when you had your first crush? I don't know, 20 something? It wasn't fully romantic anyway.

12. Was your first crush on a male or female? Male. I pretty much have feelings only for guys.

13. Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? I used to have long hair in the past and I liked it, now I have short hair, but I have no idea which ones I look better in.

14. Have you ever had to apply for disability? Yes, I got an official status in 2022.

15. ....and if so, what happened? I've become physically disabled after stroke.

16. What is your favorite board game? I don't know, I haven't played many of these.

17. Do you think you look better with curly or straight hair? I don't know, but I'm a guy, so maybe that's why.

18. What is one unpopular opinion you have? In metal music, breakdowns are way better than guitar solos.

19. What is your favorite photo editing app on your phone? Beauty Plus because it has cool filters, but I don't use it for selfies like it's meant to.

20. What is one video game you used to love to play but haven't played in years? 🎮 Super Mario Bros, this one from the 80s.

21. How many of your grandparents are alive currently? None.

22. What is one medication you will never take again, and why? 💊 Anti-inflammatory drugs because they might interact with my regular medication.

23. What is your favorite thing about your life right now? More time to travel.

24.....and what is your least favorite? Chronic illness.

25. In your opinion, what are three of the most disgusting foods ever? Liver, black pudding and raw cucumbers.

26. Do you believe in God? I can't say I believe, but I can't say I don't believe either. I'm rather questioning and looking for answers.

27. What are three emojis you use a lot? Green heart, blossom and laughing/crying emoji.

28. Do you keep your clothes in a dresser or a closet? I keep them wherever I have space, for real.

29. What is your least favorite household chore, and why? Wiping floors, I just hate it.

30. What is your favorite insect, and why? All butterflies, they're pretty.

31. What is your LEAST favorite insect, and why? Everything else. Just because I don't like insects.

32. Do you follow any sort of special diet, and if so, what? No, I don't. My eating habits are just messed up.

33. Have you ever had an eating disorder? Yes, I've been diagnosed with EDNOS many years ago. I don't think I will ever fully come out of it.

34. Do you consider yourself spiritual? No, I don't think so. I just think a lot.

35. Are you happy with your life right now? Why or why not? More happy than not, it seems easier to deal with things these days.

[starfruitgirlie]

anti-depression/anxiety/adhd

what's up gamers, I've made a post before about combatting executive dysfunction and I was inspired to make an addition to it.

I am NOT a mental health professional, I am 17, the definition of stupid. However, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD and I have been 13-14 before so I have been there and done that. If I can make anyone's life a bit easier I want to. I also feel like at that age I didn't like hearing mental health advice from adults. I felt like they didn't really understand me and they didn't fully realize what I was going through. Before I age out of understanding how sucky being a teenager is, I want to pass on this information. I am also still learning and improving so this is also for me.

DISCLAIMER!!!! I am prescribed medication to help with my mental illness, tips gotten from strangers online cannot replace the help of a mental health professional. I believe this information would be useful only to those who want tips along with the professional help they receive. Ik this is long, I just don't want anybody to think that mental illness is something that you can turn on and off and that simply establishing a routine will fix it. reach out to your school counselor or a trusted adult first and not the internet.

do things out of spite/a challenge. I grew up a pretty competitive kid so if anybody said "psh wanna bet?" all prior apathy evaporated from my body and I was determined to prove them wrong. When I put this into use it's usually like "I bet you can't put away all that laundry in 30 minutes" or "of course I can clean this bathroom I'll do it super awesome and it'll be the best cleanest bathroom ever". I advise though, DON'T MAKE IT A DIG AT YOURSELF OR BULLY YOURSELF INTO DOING THINGS IT DOESN'T WORK!! Ex: don't say "you can't even brush your teeth I bet you won't get up to do it" that just makes you feel bad. Instead you can trade this for a reward system. I keep smarties in my room as a sort of dog treat system for myself. I did something good, I can have it. What stops me from eating it without any prior circumstances is the fact I am challenging myself and I would see it as a reward I didn't earn. This appeals to my executive dysfunction and ADHD

this one is more ADHD specific but a lot of the times there will be small chores around the house I need to get done like oh I need to take that laundry down to my room or oh I need to bring that cup to the kitchen. 99% of the time I am kidding myself when I say "i'll remember to do it later". no you won't. Instead, the second I see it, I just do it. It's not the most efficient way to get things done, but I find once I'm in the zone and I've done a task I can do more tasks. No matter what I'm doing if I see a bottle, I just get up and take it to the kitchen. Doesn't matter if I was doing homework, I thought about the task so I am going to do it before I can forget about it and then consequentially feel bad about not doing it later.

routine. my mom told me so many times to establish a routine because it would make me feel better and because she told me to do it I didn't want to. It felt stupid like that's not going to make me feel better. unfortunately, it does help. humans are a lot more dumb than we think and we thrive off of routine and when our brains associate something with time of day, it can remarkably change your productivity and your health. What got me to do it was stupid but, acting like I was a youtuber doing a nightly routine. youtubers don't show themselves scrolling on the couch or falling asleep without brushing their teeth, they have a system and they do all the steps. I get out my phone and record myself for an imaginary audience, the whole "what's up guys welcome back here is my nightly routine". It's easier to do it now without my phone because It's becoming habit, but having an imaginary audience helped motivate me to start. It also just makes me feel more prepared to sleep. When I do the tasks my brain associates that are right before I sleep, I will be able to fall asleep easier.

4. so as a younger teen my parents put a restriction on my phone so I couldn't be on any app besides call or text past 10pm (which I still have but mostly because I never asked them to take it off and bc I have no sense of time). initially, this was annoying but this was a lifesaver for my sleep schedule (but I can never admit that to them because they can't think that they are right). The only time it was inconvenient for me was when I was working late shifts at work and I couldn't google or see the weather. If your parents/guardians don't do this for your phone, do it yourself! AND PUT IN A SCREENTIME PASSWORD! Make it a random set of numbers that aren't connected to any passwords or series of numbers you use regularly. make it random and then write it down and put it in a drawer under a notebook. When the time comes you will want to keep scrolling but then you won't remember the password. if you're anything like me you'll be too lazy to go get it and you might as well just get ready for bed. As a 13 year old I despised the stupid restrictions and I thought I could manage it on my own. I had the power to yeah, but with recovering and managing mental illness it would be tough, so having an outside force helped

5. This might be a personal thing, but I can never remember to manage my tasks when I record them digitally. I always have to write out a physical copy in my notebook or on a sticky note. The act of writing it out for some reason helps me retain the information more and its not on my phone where there are a million other shapes and colors to distract me

6. talk to yourself. here me out okay, being in your head can make you feel insane and your thoughts are all over the place. I find that talking outloud to myself (when I'm alone of course) helps a lot. Even if it's just a sentence it can help. Chatting to yourself like you're your own friend is awesome for self image. I realized a lot of the pressures I was putting on myself I would not put on my friends. Why do I have to be this level of acceptable when I love my friend regardless if she got a good grade on that test? I know it sounds cringe but to be cringe is to be free and the sooner you realize this the less awful highschool will be.

this was already super long but I feel like It's hard to condense this without properly conveying my message also I am lazy and I don't edit my posts

I hope someone found this useful! being a teenager with mental illness can suck so hard and I want to make it better. I was 13 in 2020, I have been through it.

[journalsofgrowth]

1.4.23

Rethinking Everything

- Today I started watching ‘You Are What You Eat’ on Netflix. The main idea about this show is the difference between a vegan diet and a meat/dairy based diet within twins (4 pairs). The information within the first 2 episodes I’ve learned a lot about the food we eat especially processed meats and how it is one of the highest levels of carcinogens than we could possibly eat this includes but not limited to bacon, ham, deli meats, hot dogs, sausage, or anything that contains the words nitrate, nitrite, cured or salted in the ingredients. This year I do not want to consume bacon or pig products more than once every 3 months hopefully every 6 months or never again. Beyond knowing this they included how alzheimer’s is only genetically passed down by 3% and the rest of the individuals who’ve been diagnosed with it got it from their diet. The more I add in small changes into my everyday life and learning more about health physically and mentally.

- Besides just this show I’m watching, reading ‘Atomic Habits’ showed me today that the main why to continue change are based off of 2 things (so far from the first 2 chapters) being that you cannot simply just have goals for yourself you must have a systems in place, which is basically a way of how you’re going to achieve this ‘goal’ you cannot solely rely on that goal. you must keep this system in place for as long as possible hopefully until you pass away to keep improving, you should never rely only on a goal because that in not sustainable once one gets to that goal that goal is usually left and all programs that were set in place are left behind. the second is to become a changed person you must believe you are already that person, an example used is someone saying no to a cigarette, ‘no i’m trying to quit’ compared to what you should say ‘’no i don’t smoke’ or ‘no im not a smoker’. once you believe you are already that person the change will come easier. There are 3 layers of behavior change. The first layer is changing your outcomes, this level is concerned with changing your results such as losing weight. The second layer is changing your process, this level is concerned with changing your habits and systems such as implementing a new routine at the gym. The last and third layer is the deepest layer and that is changing your identity, this level is concerned with changing your beliefs meaning your worldview, self image, your judgement about yourself and others; overall most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated at this level. You must change from the inside layer to the out, this is done by having identity based habits other than outcome based habits.

- I love how much I am learning everyday and the only thing I would change would be to have learned all of this earlier. I say all these things i’ve learned today to say I am changing because I am not longer that person who doesn’t care, I am no longer that person who doesn’t continue on her journey. I am a selective, motivated, determined, healthy and conscious woman. I am so moved by everything I am learned and so proud of myself. Keep on keeping on and improving.

Love forever & always,

Journals of growth <3

[qualitysparesparts]

Auto Repair Information You Will Not Read Elsewhere

Your car is a lot for you have to care for. Maybe you don't know much about cars and their repair. This article is the basics of simple auto-maintenance.

You do not have to call a mechanic every time you are having car to the shop when there is an issue. There are a few things that can fix easily yourself. If it's not hard to fix, make the repairs yourself to save money.

You should wash your car to keep the rust away. Rust is an inevitability, but you can slow things down by keeping the car clean. Use a good wax for protecting paint job as much as you can.

Go through your owner's manual and dog ear the most useful pages. You can find some easy solutions for the issues you have been encountering.

Look out for warning signs that repair mechanics may give off. If they beat around the bush and act shifty, then it may be time to find one who you have confidence in.` You want to be able to trust the person doing your repairs, so don't fear seeing someone else.

Never neglect your wiper blades. You may need new blades if the ones you have are streaking or making noises and leaving streaks on the glass.

Think about finding a mechanic who fixes cars in his or her own garage. If they are experienced and skilled, and they will usually charge you less for labor. You may save a lot of money by providing them with business.

Ask for labor rates or prices before giving the keys to a mechanic. Some repair shops display their rates, but you should not hesitate to ask about rates if you do not see any information. You must be able to tell how the repairs are being billed for your car repairs. Some shops will give an estimate on the repair times that are established by specific manufacturers. Some minor repairs that are deemed "minor" may be all day job.

Be sure to change your oil change schedule. You should regularly to keep your car running smoothly. If your oil is not changed on a regular basis, your car could stop working much earlier than expected.

Just because it is winter does not mean you should quit washing your car. Winter is when your car becomes most damage. Salt and sand lead to rust and other flaws.

Check the car's tire pressure every time you fill up your gas tank. Look at the tires and make sure that they don't have anything embedded in them. You don't want to take any chances by driving with faulty tires.

Warranties really come in handy when it comes to fixing expensive parts. Ask the mechanic about your warranty in regards to parts they're ordering for you.

It is possible that there was a recall issue if multiple people report the same problem.The manufacturer may fix your car free of charge.

Don't hire the mechanic who diagnosed your car as soon as you receive a quote for service. Call competitors and other mechanics to see how much repairs would be before getting work from the first mechanic. If you get a better quote elsewhere, simply pay the mechanic for the work they've done and go somewhere else.

Listen to all of the sounds your car is making. Noise can indicate a problem if you know what to listen for.

Do not put regular water in the compartment for windshield wiper reservoir. Water can clean your windshield, sure, you could damage it. Check your compartment regularly to see if it needs to be refilled. Do not delay when the compartment seems to be empty.

This can prevent your car safe from things like slush and slush. These are a big help during winter seasons or difficult weather patterns.

Keep track of all of your car. Keep the record in your vehicle if you can. This record can help in discovering problems much easier. It can even save a bunch of time in finding the problem.

You can delay repair on small stuff, but major issues, steering wheel, tires or brakes give you trouble. You could find yourself and others if a part that needs to be replaced finally breaks down.

Take your mechanic out for a drive to show him the exact nature of your car. This will allow your mechanic to see the same problems that you are having. This is an easier way for them to determine the problem.

Check amperage of a burnt out fuses before replacement. You need to remember to get a replacement fuse that have the exact same amperage. If you're constantly replacing fuses, get your vehicle checked at a shop with specialization in electric systems.

Your car belts are extremely important to know about. A failing belt that fails can cause great damage to your engine and leave you stranded. You probably need belt replacements if your car screeches when it starts.

Bring your car to a shop and have it inspected for possible overheating problems. Have your hoses as well to see if there are any leaks.

Find out more about different certifications a mechanic may have. If you can find a mechanic that is licensed both in your state and by the A.S.E., try to locate an auto technician that is certified by your state and the A.S.E.

Once you are better educated about car repairs, you can conduct your own research to determine reasonable prices. Compare prices for repairs on model to ensure you're making fair comparisons.

Don't think that convenience when getting someone to repair shop to choose. Some garages or dealerships offer free shuttle service to drive you home after dropping your car off and pick you up when they are done.

It is important to look after your vehicle and maintain it regularly. Learning about the simplest of repairs can help you save money. Use this information the next time your vehicle is acting funny.

Spare Parts Online Willys Jeep Parts Suzuki Samurai Parts

[autisticlassiedoggie]

30 days of autism acceptance

I just discovered this is a thing made by @/birofmay :D I'll answer all or most of the questions up to today's date for now

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself.

I'm Collie, or Ari. Either is fine. I'm a "soft diagnosed" autistic, meaning I don't have nor wish to pursue formal diagnosis but have talked to professionals about the possibility. I love dogs and cats and all animals.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

I actually denied the possibility of being autistic for a really long time. It was like a couple months ago that a post on here made me rethink things, so I took some of the tests available online and talked to my therapist + psychiatrist and did some research & digging into my early childhood by interviewing my mom

I think I'm more or less sure, now

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions.

Not the best. I get accused of not really listening because I often can't repeat back what was said to me. Not sure if that may be my ADHD tho

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

Private school kindergarten to 2nd grade, then homeschooled. I think overall homeschooling was the best option for my neurodivergent needs.

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

Not at the private school, but my mom could accommodate me when I was homeschooled and often changed things to make it easier on me. This despite her not realizing I was ADHD and autistic (She was suggested I might be ADHD by a few people, but she refused to believe it was a real disorder)

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger?

I almost always have to ask them to repeat it, sometimes multiple times.

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

ADHD, MDD, GAD, OCD. I think MDD is incorrect, though I do deal with seasonal depression. I think GAD may or may not be correct. ADHD I'm fairly sure is correct, but I have been wondering if maybe autism explains all of my struggles better than ADHD does

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease?

I have a hard time making myself read long paragraphs

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

I haven't had a special interest in a long, long time I think, but I was totally and utterly obsessed with dogs until I was about 16 or so and my parents called me a walking dog encyclopedia

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise?

Not as easily.

[April 11 & 12 don't apply to me]

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

I don't really have routines.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

I think I learned how to read facial expression with time. Not necessarily well, but I can somewhat. Like if someone makes an odd face when I say something I can recognize that.

16 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, but struggle to learn the meaning, are there strategies you use to at least guess if the person reacts in a good, neutral or bad way to you (for example to spot if you made someone angry by accident)? Do you rely on how their voice sounds as a backup? - if this question doesn't apply to you, not even in your childhood, you have a day off! :)

I have adapted by being overly polite and apologetic at all times. Seems to save me a lot of ire.

17 April: If you can't perceive the facial expression of others (for example because you focus too much on details, struggle to perceive people in general, or because you're blind), do you pay attention to the tone of their voice? Can you hear if someone is angry if they don't tell you? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

Usually I can tell by their voice, or if I'm not sure I assume they are upset and act accordingly.

19 April: Did your ability to express yourself improve or worsen/deteriorate over time? Or did it stay the same? Is it different depending on how you communicate (spoken language, written language, signed…)?

I think I've overall gotten better in the last 4 years thanks to working customer service

20 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth (echolalia counts), did/do you have a monotone or "odd" voice, speak too loudly/softly, etc.? Did/do you practice to modulate your voice?

People told me I had a squeaky voice as a kid. And I was always being told to lower my voice!

21 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth, did/do you struggle to pronounce words or sounds? For example r, th, s, etc. - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off :)

I had trouble pronouncing words with the letter 'L'. I would call lizards "wizards", for instance.

22 April: If you can speak (the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), do you experience speech loss/verbal shutdowns, etc.? Meaning that you normally can speak, but sometimes you suddenly can't anymore. Semiverbal/semispeaking people and unreliably speaking people (apraxia), you count as "speaking" if you can use spontaneous(!) speech most of the time.

Not fully. I think I do experience partial verbal shutdown. I remember seeing an article defining "partial verbal shutdown" vs "full verbal shutdown", and it sounded like what I experience after a period of extreme sensory overload. Basically I can't make myself say more than a couple words during this.

23 April: Do you have balance issues? If not, was it different when you were younger?

I actually have good balance! Whenever I lose balance I am almost always able to recover without falling! However I otherwise lack coordination for things like dancing, sports, etc.

[queer-ragnelle]

The incandescent rage I feel for the American healthcare system cannot be overstated.

[iridescentxstars]

unexpectedly fallen — bangchan

➳ published: 4.10.21 ➳ greek mythology!au || genre: fluff || smut || rated: m ➳ pairing: bangchan x reader ➳ summary: sometimes you don't expect to find comfort in someone but sometimes life has another thing in store for you ➳ word count: 7.8k ➳ warnings: finger fucking, oral (fem. receiving) ➳ author's note: god i hope this is okay, it was a lot harder to write than i thought. i'm so sorry to everyone who has been following me. i've had really bad writer's block mixed with bad mental health and uni.

this is part of the gods among us collab!!

‘As the times change, legends tend to fade into nothing more than myths, stories to tell and share across the generations and what were once great feats, great victories, become nothing more than bedtimes stories that people share with their children. Nobody believes in the Old Gods; in the way the world once was and if nobody believed in the Gods then they certainly no longer believe in the beasts that once roamed the world.

There are legends about Cerberus, the hound of Hades and the guard dog of the Underworld, they date back for centuries and detail various stories about the mighty beast. The three headed hound who kept the dead from leaving the Underworld, his mass enough to fill the cave that was the entrance to the great beyond; he was Hades’ most trusted beast, one of the twelve labours, he defeated many heroes in the stories of old.

But no matter what these stories depicted, no matter how many different versions there were, nobody could ever deny that Cerberus wasn’t a good boy. Loyal and obedient to his Master’s word, he upheld his duty to Underworld no matter what the cost. Cerberus was a good boy – is a good boy – even as the legends fade into nothing more than myths, stories to tell and share.’

Slamming the book closed, you yawn, stretching out and rolling onto your back as you look up to the ceiling. You think about the stories you were told about your father, the stories that your mother would tell you about the man she fell in love with once upon a time but you never really cared enough to listen. He has been absent your entire life outside of the gift he would send every year on your birthday – a small obol that you could use to visit him. Your mother had always told you that your father wasn’t able to visit often, that because of how the times were, it was often difficult for him to fit in or even be able to manage to come up from the Underworld because of his duties. It didn’t matter though, the fact that he never made the effort to at least visit, made you not want to go and see him whether he sent you the obols or not; they stayed in a drawer, in your room, with all the other junk knick-knacks you never throw away.

Though, the idea of visiting him has become something that you are considering now that circumstances have changed.

Rolling over onto your side, you look at the picture frame on the nightstand and sigh softly, reaching out for it even though it’s not quite within your reach. “You know, you could have at least waited another year.” You say softly, pouting as you do. “I graduate in a few months and it would have been nice to have you here with me.” There is no answer of course, you never expected there to be one as you look at your mother and yourself smiling brightly in the photo.

This was taken last year on your birthday, before she had been diagnosed with a disease that was slowly killing her. There was nothing they could do because it had been found too late; she never showed symptoms or any signs of being sick and yet, there she was, dying a little more each day before your eyes. Life was so much easier then, when you had her support on those days at university where nothing seemed to go right.

It was so easy to go home but now…

Placing the frame back in its place, you pull the blankets over you. “Alexa, good night.” With a heavy heart, you fall into a dreamless sleep with the only thought that seems to be in your mind as your body relaxed into the mattress is the thought of seeing your father.

In the Underworld.

Chan leans back and stretches out in his chair, arms raised above his head with the joints in his shoulders popping nicely as he lets out a loud yawn. It’s been so long since anyone came to the Underworld who isn’t dead, gone are the days of Greek heroes trying to rescue their girls, and ever since those days have become nothing more than a memory, he’s been bored shitless.

Feet propped up on the desk, Chan closes his eyes and lets the sun lull him into an afternoon nap. His dark hair shimmers with deep blues and purples in the sun while his fair skin is exposed to the harsh rays; normally he would shift and slumber in the entrance of his cave but there hasn’t been a visitor in centuries so he has no worries about being disturbed in his human form. “I really should see if Hades would let me get a job in the town.” He mumbles to himself, his bare chest rising and falling with deep, relaxed breaths.

It would take a whole three seconds to fall asleep, one to allow every muscle in his body to relax completely, two for his mind to stop its racing and settle down, and three for everything to fade into darkness as he falls off the edge into the depths of dreamland below. Though, it takes a whole three seconds for you to disturb the hound’s serene rest in the sun. One to walk up to the desk, two to look at the shirtless man before you, and three to speak and nearly make him fall off his chair.

You never really knew what you expected to see when you reached the entrance to the Underworld, were you expecting to see a large three-headed dog snarling as you approached or some man in his prime standing guard decked out in Greek warrior armour? You weren’t really sure but what you didn’t expect to see was this guy who looked like he belonged at your university, lazing shirtless in the sun without a care in the world. You stand there for a moment to take him in, coming to the conclusion that he barely looks older than you, with unnaturally handsome features and muscles that indicate he spends most of his time working out.

Though, considering he’s currently taking a nap, you wonder if he’s just supernaturally blessed.

“Hello?” You ask, knocking on the desk, making a small sound of surprise when Chan manages to right himself before he ended up toppling over. He should have heard you, in any other circumstance he would have but it’s been so long since anyone has approached him that he never thought he would actually need to pay proper attention to his surroundings.

It’s not like Hercules is going to come and take him again.

“Who are you?” He asks, voice a little rougher than what he intended as he was so close to sleep, he hasn’t slept properly in centuries and this was going to be the time… or so he likes to kid himself. Rubbing his eyes, his brow furrows and lips curl upwards as he wakes himself up properly. “Are you dead or are you-” Chan stops in his tracks as he looks at you, blinking a few times to make sure he isn’t dreaming but the longer he looks at you, the more he’s sure that you are standing in front of him. “Who are you?” He repeats and takes a step closer, which causes you to take a step back.

The man sniffs the air, a low growl erupting from his chest as he backs you up against the cave wall, causing you to lift your hands, placing them against his firm pecs, to keep him from getting any closer. You can see his canines pressing against his bottom lips and his dark eyes looking a little more feral as he stops to look at you. You stutter out your name, clearing your throat to repeat it again while he tilts his head, seeming to be slightly confused when he moves away. “I’m here to see Hades.”

Chan scoffs, raising an eyebrow as he looks at you up and down which you find both unsettling and annoying, “sorry human but that’s a no-go.” He moves you out of the entrance of the cave and gives you a gentle push back towards the town you had just came from. “Now, run back to civilisation.” He heads back to his seat and you follow him, digging around in your pocket. “Look, miss, I can’t help you-” He begins as you slam the obol down on the desk which causes him to stop and look at your hand moving away from the coin.

He hasn’t seen one of those in a long time.

“What’s this?” Chan looks at you, raising his eyebrow as he folds his arms over his chest.

You look at him, taking him in for a moment before you answer. Any other circumstance and you may be checking him out, but that isn’t the look you give him. “You know,” you tilt your head to the side like you’re inspecting something, “you really aren’t what I expected.”

He visibly deflates, what a strange human you are? “Miss, I don’t know what you expected but whatever you are looking for, it isn’t here.”

“Yes, it is.” You point to the back of the cave, “what I want is down there.”

“You aren’t going to the Underworld.”

“Why not? I gave you the obol.”

Chan scoffs and shakes his head, “the obol is for Charon to cross the River of Styx, to pay the ferryman.” He says with a condescending tone, like this is a fact that you should obviously know – which you do, he doesn’t know that though. “But there is something wrong with the situation, I am not Charon and you are not dead.”

Mimicking his stance, you fold your arms over your chest then roll your eyes. “I know that,” you say with a childish tone, clearly with the intent to annoy him. “You are Cerberus and I am the daughter of Hades.” You wear a victorious smile when the man’s eyes widen in disbelief.

You sometimes couldn’t help yourself, always needing to be right and argue when you knew that you were, no matter who the person on the other side of the argument was. Your mother said it was a trait that your father had and you refuse to believe that but considering she was always sweet and calm, never falling for your baiting, you eventually had to agree that you had something in common with your old man.

“So, Cerberus, are you going to take me?” You don’t drop the superior act, feeling rather smug about having stumped the guardian to the Underworld but as he narrows his eyes, a low, deep rumble echoing around you, you quickly drop your arms and give him an apologetic smile.

“Chan,” he corrects you as he grabs the obol, flips the coin in the air and catches it before pushing into the back pocket of his dark denim jeans. “Nobody has called me Cerberus in decades.” He doesn’t move, standing there looking at you, studying you as he tries to work out whether you are lying or not.

There aren’t many children spawned by Hades, Zeus was the God who liked to put his dick into everything and hasn’t changed at all even as the years passed but Hades had only really sired two children. One was with Persephone and the other has returned to the Underworld… “If you’re the daughter of Hades, why have I never heard of you?”

You shrug, “it’s not like Hades wins ‘Father of the Year’ awards, I’m not surprised if he never spoke of me considering I told people my dad’s dead.” Chan lets out a short, amused huff through his nose. “How about you take me to him and let him decide whether I’m really his kid or if I’m just another human making shit up?” You say it like this is something that happens all the time, humans claiming to be demigods.

Well, for Zeus… yes, but not so much for Hades.

Choosing to believe you, for now, he leads you in silence into the cave, the darkness soon swallowing you whole as you wander in the dark without a guide until a dim light erupts around you. Chan doesn’t say a word as the blue flames begin to light a path down a set of stairs that feel like they go on forever.

Deeper.

Deeper.

You feel like you’ve been descending these stairs for hours before you finally reach the bottom and everything before you, you never expected to see. “Welcome to the Underworld.” Chan feigns a cheerful tone as you stop beside him and look at the metropolis before you. It resembles the city that you grew up in, large skyscrapers and buildings everywhere with traffic and pedestrians moving around the streets to where they want to go. “Hades likes to keep up with the times so he changes things around every few hundred years so that the souls that rest here don’t get bored and moan for hours on end.” He chuckles a little, “it’s actually bearable down here now.”

Following Chan through the bustling streets proves harder than what you thought; while the souls don’t have a physical form, they still seem to make it difficult to get around as they pass through you, the feeling similar to what you would think a dementor would feel like if they were to try and suck out your soul. It makes you feel sick to your stomach, cold and sickly as you push forward. You are too stubborn for your own good, trying to keep moving while stumbling and growing dizzy. It’s not until your vision starts to black out that you realise that if you don’t do something then you will pass out right then and there.

“Ch-ch-chan…” You manage to get out, the words feeling like they are sticking to the back of your throat and being squeezed from you, rather than you speaking them but however they came to become sound works as the hellhound stops and turns to look at your pale features.

Sighing, he walks back towards you; he should have warned you about avoiding the spirits, the effects that they have on humans and how dangerous it can be to have too many spirits pass through you. Sure, you could technically be a demigod and so you won’t die but the effects can still take a toll on your human body. “Come here,” he lifts you up and while normally you would protest, right now, you don’t have the energy to push him away or fight him on the matter so instead, you allow him to carry you. He does so effortlessly, carrying you bridal-style towards a large building as you close your eyes and take the moment to rest.

“Are you nervous?” He asks after a while, chuckling at the way your eyes widen when you open them and meet his eyes. You hadn’t been expecting to open your eyes and have his face so close to yours, especially when there is really no need for it to be. A soft blush dusting your cheeks as the corner of his lips lift up. “Do I make you nervous?”

He stops in front of the largest skyscraper and you immediately struggle to get down and smooth out your shirt before tidying your hair. “N-no.” You lie, well, it’s not a complete lie. You aren’t nervous to meet Hades, you’ve heard a lot about him from your mother and the fact that he’s tried to have you visit him for so many years, even this year, it makes it clear that he does want to see you. What made you nervous was how he could have his face so close to yours without flinching away when you came to. “Don’t you own a shirt?” You can’t help your eyes running down his body briefly before looking away.

Chan notices your gaze, one that he knows you didn’t mean but that doesn’t stop him from making the comment. “Eyes up here, sweetheart.” You narrow your eyes while he flashes a proud smile for having gotten under your skin. “Does it bother you?”

“Yes,” you answer, hoping that he would at least do something about it.

He nods, “good,” before walking up the stairs and leaving you standing there, shocked and annoyed. You always thought Cerberus was meant to be a good boy, that’s what the myths always seemed to show, that he was loyal and good.

Seems like the myths were wrong. Cerberus can be a dick, or at the least, he seems to enjoy your buttons more than he should.

The day seems to be going for a trifecta with the unexpected outcomes. First, Cerberus, then the Underworld and now, Hades. You were half-expecting him to walk in and laugh at you, mock you for coming all this way to see him when that wasn’t something he wanted but instead he stands there, looking at you in awe like you are the most amazing thing he had ever seen.

It is funny though, how he looks at you like you are a work of art while he could easily have so many humans falling to their knees for him. With a handsome and surprisingly gentle face, you know that you have inherited certain features from him; while everyone would tell you looked like your mother, seeing Hades before you, you realise that statement may not be as true as what you always believed. His hair is tied up in a top knot, the deep blue matching his suit while he strokes the stubble on his chin; the mythology really doesn’t do him justice because while they portrayed most of the Gods and Goddess as these beautiful beings, they never really gave much detail to Hades.

Though, you’re not sure how you would describe him other than God-like looks.

You feel like you’ve been standing there for hours now and the way he mutters, ‘look at you’, under his breath every now and again has started to become a nuisance. “How old are you?” He asks you for the umpteenth time.

Your jaw ticks slightly before you answer, a sign that you are losing your patience. “25.”

“Ah,” he nods as he scratches his chin, lips turned down as he thinks. “And you said that you were studying at university?”

Deep breath in and slowly exhale, “yes, I’m a literacy major.” You’ve repeated yourself several times now and your patience is starting to wear thin.

“Would you like to sit with me? We can talk and I get to know each other a little more over something to eat.” Oh no, you aren’t really prepared with bonding with an absent father. You never actually really thought very far about how this would go, or how long you could handle being around him, but having him ask you twenty questions isn’t something you think you can really handle without having time to process the fact that you actually methim.

Hades.

Lord of the Underworld.

Your father.

“Maybe another time.” You can see the disappointment in his eyes, though, it’s quickly gone and replaced with a smile as he nods, seemingly understanding. “I just wanted to meet you, this is all still weird and new to me but I just- I don’t know, I’m sorry.” You let out a self-deprecating laugh, “I don’t know what I expected really because it’s not like us sitting down and talking about my entire life and how you weren’t present in it is going to make up for your absence.”

Hades doesn’t seem to annoyed by your words, in fact, he looks saddened as he nods in agreement. “You have every right to be reluctant to let me in but let me try and make up for it.”

Do you? Do you let him try and make it up to you or do you cut your losses and do it alone? What do you really expect him to do? He can’t exactly move to Earth and be a present father, make up for all those years lost but your mother always said to give him a chance every time an obol arrived in an envelope that had nothing but your name written on the front. She always begged you to reach out, to visit, to let him try and be involved but you always said that if he never tried then why should you? Yet, here you are, with Hades asking you to give him that chance so, should you?

Can you really build a relationship with him?

Chan has been standing in the back of the room the whole time, not really paying attention to what was going on as he felt it had nothing to do with him; he did his job by taking you to Hades and now he waits until it’s time to take you back to Earth. He stood there quietly, zoned out and staring at a random spot on the wall while he daydreamed about being back at his desk, basking in the warm sun and finally getting his nap. He’s so completely in his own head that it takes him a while to respond to Hades’ voice faintly making its way into his spaced-out mind; he blinks rapidly and looks at his master, straightening his back as he stands to attention. “Yes sir?”

“You’ll accompany her back to Earth and stay with her until graduation.” You and Chan stare at Hades in disbelief, the immediate protest beginning as you both try and talk over each other.

“What-”

“Sir, I don’t-”

“You can’t-”

The moment Hades raises his hand, you stop and stare at him, fuming, while Chan looks down at the ground like a dog who is about to be reprimanded by his owner. “This wasn’t up for discussion or protest. I may not be able to bond and connect with you but I refuse to be on the side lines of your life; Chan has been guarding the entrance to the Underworld for hundreds of years and in recent times, he’s been rather bored.” Chan’s ears turn red, he never realised that Hades noticed that the hellhound was always going slightly insane with boredom. “You will have someone around that I trust and if you need anything, you will easily be able to get it and Chan can finally go and stretch his legs.”

You can hear it in his tone, the way that this isn’t up for discussion so you don’t bother to argue but you are wondering why this and why now? “You could come to Earth instead.” You say, not hiding the annoyance in your tone. “Instead of him, why don’t you come?”

While you aren’t completely sure whether you want Hades actively involved in your life, you are sure that you don’t want a new roommate who doesn’t where a shirt imposing on your life. Hades smiles at you before letting out a soft sigh. “As nice as the offer is, it isn’t that easy for me to just live on Earth, it’s the reason why I was out of your life for all those years.” He walks over to the large window that allows him to see over all of the Underworld, “I have to be here to make sure everything stays the way it should. If I’m away for too long then it will slowly start to fall apart and the balance will be destroyed between the Heavens, Earth and the Underworld.” He looks at you with regret in his eyes, knowing that you couldn’t possibly understand what he’s saying completely, as this isn’t your life – no matter how much you’ve studied it. “While I can visit you more often, this is the best I can do to be present in your life.”

Your shoulders drop as you look away, not at all impressed with this outcome; maybe it would have been better if you stayed away and went through life without ever having come down here, that way, you wouldn’t have to be in this strange and frustrating predicament. Yet, is it really that bad? While you have friends to hang out with and you haven’t really been alone in terms of always being able to have someone around you, you have felt lonely, like there’s a hole your mother left behind that can’t be filled.

Maybe this could be a way to help ease that emptiness.

Sure, it’s Cerberus – Chan – rather than Hades but he seems to want to be more active in your life. “So, if I agree,” you know you didn’t really have a choice but you like to pretend you do, “would you come visit more often?”

“Yes, at least once a month to allow you a chance to get to know me.” You nod, honestly thankful that he is taking into account that you still need time to forgive him for never being around – yeah, you get it but it still doesn’t excuse not making more of an effort.

“Can you make sure he,” you point at Chan, who narrows his eyes at you, “wears a shirt while we are forced to reside in the same apartment?”

Hades nods his head, “Chan is rather obedient, I’m sure he won’t have a problem wearing a shirt while he is on Earth.” While Hades seems so sure that his loyal and trusted beast would be on his best behaviour, Chan looks like he’s ready to make a run for the exit simply to escape the future that he doesn’t want.

Did he want to spend more time on Earth around the humans? Yes. Does he want to spend more time on Earth being around you, the human who seems to get on his nerves? No, but because his master says he has to, he’s going to.

Yay, lucky him.

“Hey, have you seen my-” Chan opens your door and you quickly wipe your eyes, trying to hide the evidence of your tears. “Were you crying?” He asks as he leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest and giving you a scrutinising look; he knows you were, he heard you down the hallway so he tried to think of an excuse to talk to you.

Graduation is around the corner and in the beginning, Chan couldn’t wait for it to come and go so that he could return back to his duty as the guardian of the Underworld but as each week passed, he found himself enjoying his time here more and more.

While you two tend to argue and push each other’s buttons, you really did like having the company. Chan is clean and takes care of the place, you give him space when he wants to relax and you fell into this calm routine that felt like you had known each other for years rather than months. Hades has visited a few times, always bringing unnecessary things with him but you slowly started to enjoy it because it showed you that he was really trying but just because your father is Hades and your roommate is the mythical beast, Cerberus, didn’t mean your life was nice and breezy. You miss your mum; you miss the fact that if you needed her that you could just head home and lay on the couch with her playing with your hair as she spoke about the lady in her Pilates class who had the funny tummy or how the clerk at her grocery store was definitelyin love with their boss.

You thought this would fill the void but if anything, it only made it worse.

“I’m fine,” your voice cracks a little and Chan moves towards you, sitting on the edge of your bed as his brow furrowed with worry. At first, you barely would speak to each other unless he was asking you about things or you were getting at each other about basically anything but lately, he’s been the only person who you could talk to when you needed comfort.

Chan looks at you, not believing for a second that you were fine. He’s seen you like this a few times and while he knows that you miss your mother, he’s never seen you like this. You have barely left your room, he can tell that you haven’t showered at all today and from what he’s heard, you’ve been crying all day. “Do you miss your mum?” He asks, voice softer than what it was when he opened the door.

You sniff, clicking your tongue, “I always miss her.” You wipe your eyes at the mention of her. While she isn’t the reason you are crying, the mention of her still makes your eyes tear up – she would have known what to do.

“But that’s not why you’re crying?” He says this carefully, slowly, like he’s trying to process it all in his head and you shake your head, pulling your knees to your chest and sighing. He really can be terrible at this, not that he has a lot of experience when it comes to comforting humans but sometimes you wonder if he ever actually listens to you for him to take so long to click onto what goes on in your life. “Hmm…” He looks at you, sniffing the air and trying to get a good read on your emotions, “you miss your mum but that’s not why you’re crying, graduation is around the corner but you’ve passed all your classes so you aren’t upset about that.” He rubs his face with his palm and your vision blurs again when your phone vibrates next to you, the reason for your tears trying to get a hold of you. Chan doesn’t miss this, the way you make yourself smaller and practically curl in on yourself as the phone vibrates like crazy.

You don’t immediately realise the phone has stopped vibrating or that he’s answered the phone until you hear a slight growl in his voice.

“Hello.” Chan answers, displeased by the reason that you are in such a state. He should have known; he should have expected such a thing to happen considering he had seen first-hand what this guy was like. Chan isn’t as stupid as you may think, he could tell when you had developed a crush on one of your classmates which he normally wouldn't care about but it took one house party for him to know what this man was truly like; a sweet talker, charming and pretty until the girls weren’t in the room and then he showed how much a playboy he was.

It took that one party for Chan to know that this man wasn't good for you.

Chan hated him, though he didn’t exactly know why really but it was something that he had said while you were getting a drink from the kitchen that made Chan wish he could give him a one-way ticket to the Underworld. “I bet I know how to put that mouth of hers to good use, teach her a good lesson.” The way he thought he was really smooth with that made Chan quickly finish his beer. Sure, you have the annoying tendency to argue and you always need to be right but he hated that; hated that someone you liked would dare say such crude things about you like you were just another notch on his bedpost.

You lift your eyes to look at Chan, barely even realising that he’s in nothing but his favourite baggy shorts with his hair still damp from the shower. You notice that his eyes have grown darker, something you’ve learnt means that he’s growing angry, that the beast inside is coming out – this you learned that hard way when you said something that caused him to snap harsher than he ever had before. There’s tension in his jaw as he grinds his teeth together and with every other breath, he lets out a low growl which has you reaching out to touch his forearm, keeping him from breaking your phone in his tight grip.

“What I’m doing with her phone is none of your business, mate.” He speaks slowly, clearly trying to keep his voice calm and level while his nostrils flare and when you touch his arm, his eyes go from boring a hole in the wall to looking at you and returning to their usual soft brown. “No, I’m not going to let you explain anything to her. No, you’re not going to try and explain it to me either. I don’t care,” another growl escapes him and he shakes his head at you as you look a little worried. He’s okay, he’s in control. “You made her cry, you’re lucky that taking care of her is more important than coming and ripping you apart.”

The question that gets thrown at him has his eyes widening slightly before he recovers. “Why do you care so much? Do you like her or something?”

“You ask a lot of questions for something who has exactly twenty-four hours before they become a missing persons report.” Your eyes widen and you grip Chan’s arm but he just waves off your worry – he wouldn’t… this time.

As the conversation comes to a close, Chan hangs up the phone and places it down carefully because if he didn’t, he may have thrown it. “Chan-”

“You need to have a shower.” His words take you by surprise, especially because he isn’t actually looking at you when he says it and after he does, he stands up, grabbing you by the hand and tugging you to the bathroom.

“Ch-chan,” you try and pull out of his hold but he shakes his head.

“It’s annoying knowing that this is why you’re crying,” he grumbles, only letting you go when you’re in the bathroom. Heading over to the shower, he adjusts the head and temperature before turning it on and you just stand there in your oversized hoodie, looking both confused and annoyed with puffy eyes and a snotty nose. “You know you deserve better than how he treated you, you weren’t even dating and he treated you like you were nothing more than a prize.” Chan stands there, still not looking at you as he has his hand in the water, waiting for it to warm up.

“How do you know what I deserve?” You venomously spit out. You don’t really mean to sound so bitchy but he went from being worried about you because he thought you were crying about your mother to being grumpy basically saying your taste in men is shit in a matter of moments.

He scoffs, looking at you finally as he opens his mouth to speak but whatever he wanted to say seems to be taken away by the water being at an appropriate temperature and that being more important. “Take your time.” Looking away from you again, Chan heads to the door but you manage to stop him by standing in front of his escape. “What?” He snaps at you, dark eyes meeting your bloodshot ones.

“Answer my question.” You demand.

Chan shakes his head, “nah.”

God, he’s so frustrating. “If you’re going to be an asshole to me after snapping at a guy for treating me like shit, you should at least answer my question since you’re being as bad as he is.”

You wait for his reaction, the one where he bites back and yells and snaps at you but instead Chan sighs and moves you out of the way. “Because,” he starts to head out of the bathroom before pausing just outside the door, “it’s how I’ve been treating you for the past month or so.” With those words hitting you like a tonne of bricks, he leaves you standing there feeling more confused than you have ever been in your life.

Chan never said anything more about that day, when you got out of the shower, he was on the couch watching television and when he did speak to you, it was always light and casual – like nothing had happened. Yet, you couldn’t just pretend like everything was the same as it was before. You couldn’t stop thinking about what he said, stop noticing the little things he did for you – things he had always done for you. When did Chan start doing these things? You honestly cannot remember. You just know that one day, you came home to your favourite chocolate always being in the fridge or how he would make you a cup of coffee every time he made himself one; you noticed that he would make more than enough food for you whenever he cooked lunch and that you had things to take in your bag when you went to campus.

You don’t remember when it all happened but you appreciated it all.

Chan always made sure you ate proper meals, he sat through your favourite shows and movies, he never complained when you stole his hoodies at night, nor did he care whenever you feel asleep watching shows with him. Ever since Chan pointed out the way that he treated you, ever since he pointed out that this was how he thought you deserved to be treated, you started to wonder about other things.

At first, you two argued about everything and those arguments would get pretty heated but those arguments slowly turned into friendly teasing because you both knew how to push each other’s buttons to get a reaction. He never used to engage with you whenever you asked questions, choosing to ignore you to play on his phone or begrudgingly follow you around because he had to, but eventually he started to open up, tell you about his life and the things he’s seen as well as seeming excited to go to with you whenever you went to meet your friends. Sometimes, he would look at you and scoff, judge your hair or make-up while making a comment about how you were dressed but after a while, he would give compliments, choose matching accessories for you and you would always catch him looking at you whenever you were out and about.

Somehow, Chan went from being the biggest pain in your ass to someone you confided in about everything.

“You’re staring at me again.” Chan says with a twitch of the corner of his lip.

You blush softly, quickly looking away. “Sorry,” you mumble as you pay attention to the movie playing, one that you can’t even recall beginning. While Chan may act like nothing happened, you couldn’t and managed to make it completely obvious that you’ve spent the better half of the past week obsessing over whether there is something between the two of you.

His eyes glance over in your direction, a small chuckle passing through his nose as he stretches his arm over the back of the couch. “Why are you so far away?” He says, indicating with his head for you to come closer. “I don’t bite… unless you want me to.”

You throw a pillow at him, “why do you need to be like that?” You whine while he laughs and manages to dodge the pillow.

“Be like what?”

“A flirt,” you say with an accusatory tone which has him laughing even more. “Why are you laughing? God, I hate you!” You don’t really, he’s just frustrating the living shit out of you.

Chan shrugs, “it’s fun seeing you overanalyse it all.” You throw another pillow which he catches, “all I basically told you is that I know how you deserve to be treated because I treat you better than he ever did and you’ve been on edge all week. It almost looks like you’ve got a crush on me.” While he acts like this is all a big joke to him, Chan does hope that there is a small glimmer of feelings towards him. He didn’t know when it happened for himself, he just remembers finding you passed out at the table one night after you had been studying for an exam and realising that somewhere amongst all the teasing and late-night talks about his life, he had fallen for you.

Unexpectedly.

“You are so infuriating.” You fold your arms and huff, glaring at the actors onscreen.

Moving closer to you, Chan leans in wearing a shit eating grin, “you didn’t deny it.”

“Deny what?” You look at him, narrowing your eyes.

“That you have a crush on me.”

“I don’t.” This makes his grin wider and you shove him away. “I don’t!”

With a loud laugh, he grabs your wrist and shakes his head, “me thinks the lady protests too much.” You make a noise in surprise to Chan pulling you closer, the action causing you to be nose to nose with barely any room between you. “I can hear your heart getting faster, are you nervous?”

Nope, maybe you do hate him. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” He lowers his voice and you feel his breath against your lips, he’s so close and yet, he’s choosing to tease you instead.

“This. If you are so sure of how I feel then why are you trying to drag it out of me?” Your own voice lowers to match his, so quiet and soft as you meet his eyes and hold his gaze, your heart beating faster in your chest.

He doesn’t answer you straight away. Chan remains silent for a brief moment as he searches your eyes, checking to make sure he’s not reading too much into this. “Because if I’m wrong then kissing you could end very badly for me.” You swear you felt his soft, velvet lips brush against yours but maybe the thought of kissing him created the illusion that they did. “So, do you, have a crush on me?”

Ba-dump. You look at him, mind racing with how this could go. It could go both ways so do you want to take that risk?

Ba-dump. You try and swallow, realising your mouth is suddenly dry which makes you hyperaware that your palms are sweaty. Why are you so damn nervous?

Ba-dump. Your head moves on its own, nodding, but before you even manage to finish the movement, Chan’s lips are on yours.

Clothes lay haphazard on the floor, fingers become tangled in dark locks, breathy moans drawn out as soft lips brush over sensitive skin. One kiss had become two which soon turned into Chan slowly undressing you while your hands tried desperately to rid him of his clothes. His hands take their time to map out your body, learning and appreciating every dip and curve while you pull him closer, needing his bare skin against yours.

Chan is patient, savouring the taste of you, while you are eager, hungry, needy.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers against flushed skin, fingers ghosting over your core as his hot breath indicates how close he is to where you want him except instead of giving you what you want, he drags this out and drives you crazy. “Just relax.”

Your fingers tug on his hair, a low whine escaping you as the anticipation makes you grow wetter by the second, “stop teasing me.” He chuckles, that’s what he does, doesn’t he? It’s what he’s always done, drove you crazy, frustrated the fuck out of you and teased you, why should now be any different? “I hate you.”

Cocking an eyebrow, Chan looks up at you, a smirk on his lips as he tries to move away but your grip keeps him from doing so. “Then should I stop? If you hate me so much, maybe I shouldn’t give you what you want?”

“Chan~” You whine out his name as you desperately keep him from moving and he can’t help the low groan that passes through his lips at the way you sound. An angel singing out his name like that should be illegal but fuck, he’ll do it again as long as it’s you.

You gasp, two fingers gliding through your velvet walls as Chan slowly pushes in until he’s knuckles deep. He needs to make sure you are nice and stretched out, that you take him easily because he doesn’t want it to hurt, it shouldn’t hurt; he wants this to be perfect, to give you pleasure as he claims you as his. Curling his fingers, he brushes against your sweet spot as his lips attached to your erect clit peeking out from under the hood. Your walls clench around his fingers, your slick coating them as they move inside while his tongue flicks, eliciting heavenly sounds from you; he could do this all night, lay between your legs and play with your dripping cunt.

Oh, how pretty you would look all messy and fucked out from nothing more than him eating you out and fucking you with his fingers.

“Sing for me, princess.” He says, his low tone sending delicious sensations down your spine, “I want to hear every sound, every curse, everything. Don’t hold back~” His fingers begin pumping in and out, nice and slow as he runs the flat of his tongue between your folds, sucking sloppily on your clit. The louder you get, the faster he moves, his own deep groans vibrating against your core as he eats you out messily, making your juices drip out of you mixed with his saliva and he doesn’t stop as you are brought over the edge into the sweet abyss below, prolonging the climax for as long as he possibly can.

With your mind foggy from the orgasm, Chan licks you clean, humming softly while you let out heavy pants as you try to calm down your racing heart. You look down at him, blushing deeply as you watch him like his fingers clean before running the back of his hand against his mouth. The sight of him like that has you shivering slightly but nothing is quite as breath taking to him as you.

“How are you feeling?” He slowly kisses his way back up your body, hovering over you so he doesn’t put too much weight on you. You let out a pleased hum but that’s not good enough for him, “I need words, princess. I want to make sure you’re doing okay; you can just tell me if it’s too much and we can continue another time.” You stare at him in pure adoration in that moment, falling deeper for him than you ever thought possible.

“I’m okay,” you confirm, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in close for a kiss, tasting yourself on his lips. “I’m better than okay, really.” He hums before giving you a quick peck and pulling away, climbing off you and lifting you into his arms before carrying you to the bedroom.

Tomorrow you’ll wake up in his arms, the evidence of tonight painted on your skin by way of his lips and fingertips but right now, you’ll revel in the love that you found in the only person who has filled that void in your heart by giving you his own.

[furiousgoldfish]

I don’t really know if my experience was abusive or not…. My home life was kinda all over the place growing up. My mum was initially a single mom but got married and had another child when I was 7. I sorta got pushed to the side at that point. My mum was busy with my younger sister and step-dad worked in camps for weeks on and weeks off, but even then I never really liked him that much. I learned how to get my own food, tuck myself into bed, entertain myself very quickly. I have a fear of showing pain or injury now because when I got hurt when I was younger I was often scolded and made to feel it was my fault. Got bit by the dog? Well what was I doing!? I shouldn’t have done that!! My little sister had an ear infection and was scolded (ie yelled at) because she didn’t say anything earlier and it was the weekend now and they can’t do anything about it (walk in clinics closed).

Growing up, my mother was always very strict about friends and play dates because they were apparently a lot of work. A friend would ask if I could come over after school and I would be so terrified to ask my mother I would near cry. I would ask and get scolded because “we don’t have time for that” or it’s “too last minute.” And I was always a very quiet child so I never pushed back, I just gave in and told her she was right.

When I expressed anxieties, or that I was really stressed and it was making me feel unwell, it was often ignored or flipped so that it was something I was doing wrong. And maybe they were right?

I would say I’m scared to do something or that something stresses me out and my step father would tell me to get over it because it’s life. When I had to change my diet for health reasons, he would say he checked packages that they were okay, but he didn’t and then I would feel unwell, and he wouldn’t believe me.

Basically, my parents were either not existing in my life, yelling at me for being hurt or being mad because something was going to cost money (and making me feel reallllyyyyy bad about it which has resulted in it being very hard for me to ask for things I needed), my parents also argue a lot, which always seriously stressed me out. Also a lot a lot a lot of shame about wasting from my step dad which has now led to me feeling sick to my stomach everytime something is slightly wasted, thrown out or not recycled.

But at the same time, as I got older I got Kinda closer to my mum?? But she was still very strict on friends and I knew that if I let her know most things that she would be mad, even though I was a textbook student. All this also paired with my grandmother’s constant dieting and telling me that I put on weight.., and patting my stomach. And then apologizing. And then when I try on clothes telling me I’m too too heavy… idk. I present a LOT of trauma symptoms, but I have lived a relatively blessed childhood.

Also probably important to note that I am suspected OCD or other anxiety disorder but undiagnosed.

Thank you for your blog and your time, both are incredibly helpful and I am very grateful.

That's really heartbreaking neglect, they couldn't even comfort you when you were in pain or injured, and you had to figure out everything yourself, like you had no parents at all. Yelling at children for being sick and injured is like kicking down someone who is asking you for help, it's despicable. I'm so sorry, that is absolutely abuse, and a serious case of neglect.

You were demanded to be a convenience and as little work as possible, to a great price for your childhood, you can't have a kid and then ask them to 'not be a lot of work' for you! It's not called work, it's raising your own kid! Besides, what kind of 'work' is a friend coming over, you have to say hi and maybe offer a snack? What kind of person considers that too much for their child's friendships?

Your parents are not right to blame and shame you for your anxiety and stress, they were supposed to help you feel better, comfort and reassure you, not make you feel worse and force you to doubt whether you're allowed to feel your feelings at all.

I'm so sorry for all they put you thru. It makes complete sense your stomach feels sick, that is so much violation and hate directed at you. You're more important than food. You're more important than your weight or whatever else they tried to make you feel horrible about. These people don't know you and have no right to comment on anything on you. They already hurt you enough.

I hope you get diagnosed and your struggles get a bit easier once you're sure of it and find more people you can relate to. Your childhood isn't blessed, it's already tainted with so much abuse, neglect, violation and hate, you have actual trauma symptoms. Trauma isn't a small issue that can be brushed aside. Your story is painful and it's not fair for you to have to live thru that.

And also, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

[stim-sies]

Hey i know you don't really do this but i have a question and don't really know who else to ask since i can't really find any other autistic creators on this app for some reason but do you have any tips for people going back to school and are havubg trouble with being overstimulated and having a change in routine after quarantine? I just started highschool and it's been really tough and i can't find anything that would help.

You absolutely do not have to apologize for asking, I'm always open to questions!

I'm in college and started during the pandemic, so here's some things that have helped me :

1. If you can, get accommodations from your school. I know it may not be possible, especially if you aren't diagnosed, but even finding one or two teachers who are okay if you step out of the room if it gets to be too much can be a big help.

Ideally, get permission to leave class a little early, so you don't have to walk through a crowded hall.

2. Fidget toys. I really like spiked balls that I can roll on my skin, or just my palm on the table. Something that fits in your pocket or clips onto your bag/beltloop, and won't be too distracting to people around you.

3. Keep as much of your old routine as you can. For me, that means I always walk my dog at the same time every night, and I've been packing my lunch for the past few weeks to get myself ready for it.

4. Get to school early. For me, walking in when it's quiet and letting the noise gradually get louder is much easier than diving right into a bunch of noise.

5. Little comforts. Soothe yourself when and where you can. Maybe that means watching TV to destress when you get home, or staring at nothing for a bit. Safe foods are great to have on hand, especially the kind that you can just grab and eat, and not have to prepare.

6. Find your support network. I know, it can be hard. I don't know what your family is like, but if they're in your corner, that does make a difference. If not family, your friends, therapists, teachers, anyone who can be there for you.

7. Checklists. This may not help you at all, but I LOVE checklists. It helps me feel a little less overwhelmed, and also gives me clear, concrete goals of things to do. Have some easier things, like "eat lunch" or "set alarms" and some things you want to do, like "make stimboards" or "draw picture of the Muppets" (these are all actual things on my checklist from today).

I hope at least some of this can help you, and if you'd like to message me any specific ways you need advice, don't hesitate to reach out!

[aliens-world101]

Depression and wrong life lessons

Depression was the first thing I was ever diagnosed with and I was diagnosed at 13. Considering I'm 32 now, you'd think I'd have learned a thing or two on how to deal with it. Nope! I'm still as lost as an adult as I was as a teenager. Depression probably won't be mentioned too much since it's been the background radiation of my life for so long.

All I've learned in my 32 years of life is that I hate depression. I hate when all the colour is sucked out of my life. I hate when all I want to do is sleep. I especially hate the isolation of it.

When I'm depressed, I don't want to burden my loved ones with it. I don't want them to know just how badly I'm struggling. Maybe if I pretend I'm fine, I will be. Why would anyone care about how hard life is for me? If I ignore it, it'll go away. No one cares anyway. All thoughts that plague me when depression and they all stink.

Of course pretending doesn't make it true. Of course my family and friends care. Of course ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Of course my loved want me to succeed and be happy. But those logical answers are very quiet when depression is loud.

It doesn't help that my childhood was...less than ideal. A stay at home mother with an undiagnosed and poorly treated mental disorder herself - probably borderline personality disorder - doesn't help either. I learned young that my feelings didn't matter. My sadness that was masked as anger was to be punished. My cries for help, unheard. I eventually learned that asking for help the right way is incredibly difficult but that's a story for another post. The lesson I learned over and over again was that nothing ever changes. Nothing in my life did. My mom would say something to improve herself and do it for a week and then go right back to her old ways. I doubt this helped the depression any.

My mom, to her credit, did try. She did what she could. Do I resent her for my childhood? Yes. I am a big enough person to admit that I am not big enough to forgive. Maybe some day in the future but not now. She did take me to see her doctor and after some struggling, he did diagnose me with depression and I was put on medication. Did it help? I'm not so sure anymore. Did it make things worse? Not that I'm aware of.

I've been on the same dosage since I was 13 and used to be so sure it helped. Maybe it did, maybe it still does. That's a journey I'm still undertaking.

My temper got a little easier to manage under the medication but that's all I can remember. I was still sad. I was still angry at the world. My trust in others was next to zero. No one was nice without an ulterior motive as far as I was concerned. That thought nearly destroyed any chance I had at a relationship with my sister.

As an adult, I have learned more about myself and what I can do to help those dark moods pass quicker. Now, I will pass them on to you:

1. DON'T ISOLATE YOURSELF

These thoughts don't get better if you keep them to yourself. Find someone you can trust whether it be family, friends, or a therapist and TELL THEM. I know it's hard and scary. I also know that having people that can help hold you up when you can't do that yourself is invaluable

2. Pictures of things that make you happy in a place you will see everyday is awesome.

I put mine by my door so every time I leave or let the dog out, I see the people and creatures in my life I love the most

3. Have a plan for when those dark thoughts threaten to consume you.

My therapist told me about this one. Make a plan with loved ones. Make a list of people you can call/text when it's too much no matter the time.

4. Take your victories where you can get them

Getting out of bed just to get something to eat is better than not getting out of bed at all. Brushing your teeth once out of the week is better than not at all. These may be small but they're still worth celebrating

That's all I have. I hope my little bit of advice helps you.