#it’s why Dorian IS so important because he did it on his terms and he’s still going!

[star--nymph]

It’s so important to me that the basis of Eurydice’s and Dorian’s relationship, the core of it, is that they recognized each as abuse children. Eurydice not understanding Dorian’s speech or coping mechanisms until she met his father in the tavern and knew intimately—though maybe not consciously—what this was because she had known it. She knew a father that did not love his child as they were, did not understand them, did not want them, violently tried to change them to fit his preferred mold. That all he wanted was an object, no a son. And she marveled at Dorian’s ability to acknowledge it and refuse to play into any longer.

Brave. When Eurydice meant Dorian was brave, she meant in a specific way and he knew it. That’s why he paused—because Dorian is smart and perceive in a way she isn’t and he doesn’t need that many clues to know how they were bonded.

and yet for all that Eurydice curled around him like a protective older sibling, offered him the elven name of ‘brother’ and stood vigilant over him.

and later that night when they were drunk and Eurydice spoke the things her father had done to her and then begging Dorian not to say it, not to make it real because she would not—could not— hear that her father did not love her (that she wasn’t ready), he let her have it.

But he kept that secret and watched her, waiting until she was ready—when it was her turn to be break apart and be brave.

[daitranscripts]

The Magister’s Birthright Pt. 3

In Your Debt

Dorian Masterpost First: About This Amulet of Yours… Previous: Ponchard de Lieux Previous: Ponchard de Lieux (Dorian Present)

If the PC killed Ponchard: Dorian: I can’t believe you killed that fool merchant. I sold him the birthright. It was his to do with as he pleased, and my responsibility. Now there’s no chance of me getting it back, not unless…. I don't know what. Vishante kaffas! What a mess. The relationship ends.

— If the PC obtained the amulet:

General: I have your amulet. PC: I have something for you.

PC: Here it is.

The PC hands him the amulet.

Dorian (asked Dorian about the amulet/Dorian was brought to Val Royeaux): Now I’m indebted to you. I never wanted this, I told you.

Dorian (did not ask Dorian about the amulet and did not take him to Val Royeaux): It’s… the Pavus birthright. How did you… ? Why? I got myself into this. I sold it because I was desperate. I wanted to get it back on my own. What I didn’t want is to be indebted to you or anyone. Now I am.

1 - Dialogue options:

Investigate: Tell me why you wanted it. [2]

General: I did this for you. [3]

General (agreed to Ponchard’s terms): I could afford it. [4]

General (intimidated Ponchard): It didn’t cost me anything. [5]

General: No “thank you”? [6]

2 - Investigate: Tell me why you wanted it. PC: Why were you even trying to get it back?

Dorian paces.

Dorian (if asked about amulet before): You already asked me that. PC: And you didn’t give me a straight answer.

Dorian (if PC did not ask about the amulet): (Sighs.) When I left home, I wanted nothing so much as to divest myself of anything belonging to my family.

Dorian (reconciled with his father): But when I spoke to my father, he noticed it was gone. He asked about it. Dorian (did not speak with his father): But seeing my father… I felt its absence so keenly.

Dorian: It was childish to sell it. I love my country, and this… it’s a symbol. It means I’m part of it. You must think I’m foolish and sentimental.

Dialogue options:

General: Not at all. PC: The amulet’s important to you. Why would wanting it be foolish?

General: Aren’t we all? PC: We’re all a little foolish and sentimental. There are worse things to be.

General: My opinion doesn’t matter. PC: What does it matter what I think? It’s your amulet.

Dorian: And you went and retrieved it for me. Now I’m in your debt. [Back to 1]

3 - General: I did this for you. PC: I didn’t do this so you would be indebted to me, Dorian. I did it for you. Dorian: (Sighs.) That’s the problem. PC: How is that a problem? [7]

4 - General: I could afford it. PC: Why should there be a debt? It’s not as if using my influence cost so much. Dorian: Of course you have the influence. You’re the Inquisitor! [7]

5 - General: It didn’t cost me anything. PC: Why should there be a debt? I only had to glare at the man, after all. Dorian: Of course you did. The Inquisitor snaps his fingers, and people tremble! PC: Now you’re just being difficult. [7]

6 - General: No “thank you”? PC: What’s this? Not even a “thank you”? Dorian: You are such a frustrating man. PC: Explain it to me slowly, then. [7]

7 - Scene continues.

Dorian continues pacing.

Dorian: Someone intelligent would cozy up to the Inquisitor if they could. It’d be foolish not to. He can open doors, get you whatever you want, shower you with gifts and power. That’s what they’ll say. I’m the magister who’s using you.

Dialogue options:

General: I didn’t know you worried. [8]

General: Use me, I don’t mind. [9]

General: Let them. [10]

8 - General: I didn’t know you worried. PC: I… had no idea you were concerned about that. Dorian: I don’t care what they think about me. I care what they think about us. [11]

9 - General: Use me, I don’t mind. PC: Is that all? Go ahead and use me, Dorian. Or are you all talk? Dorian: (Laughs.) Oh, you are glorious. [11]

10 - General: Let them. PC: Let them say whatever they want. I don’t care about them. Dorian: Naïve, but adorable. [11]

11 - Scene continues.

Dorian (went to Val Royeaux): I… was an ass earlier at the merchant’s. It’s my specialty. Dorian (was not taken): I… am apparently an incredible ass at accepting gifts.

He bows slightly.

Dorian: I apologize. And thank you.

They kiss.

Dorian: I’m going to stop before I say something syrupy, but I won’t forget this… and I will repay you. Count on it.

If the PC speaks to Dorian again: Dorian: I must admit, it does feel good to have my amulet back. I’m not above a bit of attachment, apparently.

[shadowsxgwynriel]

I find it interesting that TOG gives us a bit of an insight into how SJM could end ACOTAR. At least in terms of characters.

Pretty much all of the TOG characters got a happy ending.

Aelin x Rowan ✅

Elide x Lorcan ✅

Yrene x Chaol ✅

Nesryn x Sartaq ✅

Lysandra x Aedion ✅

But I do think it’s important to note that Manon and Dorian were the only couple who were left open ended, and I think that was intentional. Dorian is human and Manon is around 117 years old. She’s pretty much immortal.

Aelin and Rowan are both Fae and will live together for hundreds of years. Yrene, Chaol, Nesryn, and Sartaq are all human. Lorcan, my love, gave up his immortality to bind his life to Elide’s (and it’s been awhile since I read the TOG series so I can’t remember if Aedion does the same with Lysandra).

So let’s just take a moment to assume that SJM is going to go the TOG route with ACOTAR (and it seems like maybe she will since she loves the characters so much, and the next two books will be standalone with different couples). Anyway, we would have an ending that could look something like this:

Feyre x Rhys

Amren x Varian

Nesta x Cassian

Elain x Lucien

Gwyn x Azriel

Emerie x Mor

Vassa x Jurian

Obviously, Feyre, Rhys, Nesta, Cassian, Elain, and Lucien are all mates (and we know that SJM loves her fated mates). Gwyn and Azriel could be potential mates, because I can’t see SJM not giving Azriel his own mate. Emerie seems to have a crush on Mor and I can see them being a couple. Vassa and Jurian are both mortals and have the typical SJM banter. Amren and Varian . . . well I’m not too sure how that will play out, but they’re both Fae.

Now, I have seen some people say that Vassa will be changed into a Fae to be with Lucien, but I have issues with that.

**** MINI RANT INCOMING ****

Why should she have to change to be with someone? And even if she did change, Lucien will always feel a connection to Elain, even if she rejects the bond. I can’t be invested in them as a couple when I know that a part of Lucien will always want and crave Elain, and Vassa deserves better than to be his second choice. Now THAT is what it means to be someone’s second choice. I don’t see how anyone can compare Lucien’s mate rejecting him to Azriel’s crush rejecting him. They don’t compare. Azriel isn’t a bound to a crush, he can get over that and fall for someone else and that doesn’t mean she will be his second choice. Let’s say that someone has a crush, they get rejected, then they get over it, move on, fall for someone else . . . is that second best or just life? Because by other peoples logic, wouldn’t Elain be second best to Mor since Azriel liked her for so long? 🤔

Also, yes. Azriel has a crush on Elain. Just like with Mor. He’s not in love.

Crush; a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.

**** RANT OVER ****

I’m not saying that this is how the characters will end up or that these will be canon couples. But it is a possibility.

Anyway, I wrote this while being half asleep so sorry if some parts sound like rambling 🥱😴

[crossdressingdeath]

Dorian: Ah, yes. After. Dreadful thing, after. Dorian: Let's see. Assuming one or both of us aren't slaughtered along the way, what do you wish to happen? Dorian: We could go our separate ways, if you prefer. I've been a port in a storm before. I would understand. Alaris: Of course not. I want us to be together as long as we can. Dorian: You're very sentimental for someone who's killed as many people as you have. Alaris: You bring it out in me. Dorian: Sweet Maker, next you'll be making calf eyes at puppies. Dorian: I... don't know what the future holds. For us or anything. That's my honest answer. Dorian: Once Corypheus is defeated, when this is over... I'd like to talk about it more. If you would.

I was originally going to have screenshots for this, but... since this conversation isn't a cutscene (even though it really should be; Alaris, why are you asking about this in the middle of the library, the Skyhold gossip mill is going to lose its goddamn mind) it would've just been a bunch of near-identical images with just the subtitles different in each one, which frankly would be a waste of space. But that's not important. (Also for context just in case because I missed the first line of this conversation, this is the conversation where you ask Dorian what'll happen between the two of you after all this.)

This conversation is just so good. I mean, first off it's just a really cute conversation to be having? I mean, that sort of "where is this relationship going" conversation that's just slightly uncomfortable for everyone involved is just very relatable! It's not something that usually comes up in Dragon Age romances, either, they mostly skip around that awkward early relationship stage where you're still trying to figure it out what with all the very serious shit going on, but here they make time for it because Dorian's romance is the most precious shit.

But it's also just so sweet? I mean, the way Dorian tries to downplay how much this relationship means to him because he's been burned by relationships that turn out to be more casual than he wanted before is very sad, but other than that. How firm Quiz is about wanting to stay together is so good! (The "Of course I want to stay with you" is especially pleasing, it gives me many serotonin with the "Did you have any doubt about that" vibes.) So is Dorian trying to joke about it because all this affection is Difficult, it's incredibly fun and relatable. Also Dorian pointing out just how many people Quiz kills on a regular basis even in such a sweet romance conversation is like. I get it but do you have to bring that up now, babe? Dorian lowkey telling you to stop being so damn cute is also excellent!

And I do like how the conclusion of the conversation is basically "Let's put this conversation on hold until we're reasonably sure we're not going to die within a year", just because it fits really well with Dorian's consistent anxiety over how being in a relationship with the Lord Inquisitor is going to end. He's so worried that it's going to end badly and he'll get his heart broken right from the start, and he seems especially worried that Quiz is going to die given how he responds more badly to Quiz drinking from the Well if romanced because he's scared of what it's going to do to him. So it fits really well that he's basically like "Can we just defer this topic until we have some idea of how this is going to go"! It's not that he doesn't want to fully commit to this as a long-term relationship, he just doesn't want to fully commit when there's such a huge danger that one or both of them could die at any time!

[envihellbender]

“If they catch you here, you’re dead.” +slave!Ceri/Dorian

Fandom: Dragon Age (AU where Ceri is a slave for the Pavus family.)

Characters: Ceri (Inquisitor), Dorian Pavus

“There you are, sir,” Ceri sighed in relief as he found Dorian in the first place he tried. When he’d gone out drinking, it could take forever to find him. He was startled by Ceri’s voice but looked up with a warm smile as Ceri stood over him.

“Ceri, it’s Dorian. Father’s not here to reprimand you. What are you doing here?” Dorian asked, visibly startled. He was perched on a bar stool alone. Ceri saw he had already had a few drinks and was swaying slightly. He was hoping he could get here before Dorian began drinking.

“I need to find you, I managed to give your Father the slip.”

“You- how?” Dorian asked surprises, his thick black eyebrows raised and his unsteady gaze fixated on Ceri.

“I put something in his drink. He will be out for a couple of hours, at least,” Ceri admitted, he would never have said so to anyone who wasn’t Dorian. He was hoping that what he had would ensure his safety. Dorian spluttered on his drink.

“You… you drugged my Father?” He cleaned his chin with his handkerchief, seeming more surprised than angry. “Why?”

“Because I found out something that I needed to tell you.”

“If you- if what you’ve done has been discovered… if they find you here, you’ll be killed. You know this, yes?” Dorian rambled, anxiety clear in his grey eyes and the way he rubbed his index and middle finger together.

“This is far more important.” Ceri was visibly impatient, he had something crucial to share and Dorian was getting fixated on the small details. “I- your father- the Master is planning on having you partake in a ritual.”

“What sort of ritual?” Dorian’s spine straightened and it seemed the conversation was sobering him up as his eyes were more focused.

“I- I don’t know. Blood magic is involved, I think. It’s to- to … make you more pliable to the idea of marrying a woman and be less… interested in other men,” Ceri rambled awkwardly. Thankfully, his Master seemed unaware of his relationship with his son. It would be expected for Dorian to use his slave for sex, but to have a long term, loving relationship where Dorian was terrified to act for so long out of fear of abusing his position? That would be something the Master could not accept.

“You... How do you know this?” Dorian looked more frightened than Ceri had ever seen him. Usually he was fearless, with a sharp tongue to face any situation. Right now he seemed small, vulnerable, and helpless.

“People don’t see slaves, they think don’t think we listen. That we don’t hear everything,” Ceri sighed, he leant in the bar, his legs and feet starting to ache. “I heard him discussing it and- he’s sent a letter to the one who- I intercepted it,” Ceri opened up his pack and slipped out the envelope that had been previously wax sealed. His shaking brown fingers handed it to Dorian, who all but snatched it from him. Ceri took a deep breath, he knew full well Dorian was anxious, he normally treated him far better than this. He stood watching Dorian intently not saying a word, he saw his eyes flit across the page impossibly quickly.

“I- you’re right,” Dorian eventually admitted, his voice cracking and his thick black eyelashes growing wet. “He- he wants- he wants to change me. This- this entire ritual is experimental. He doesn’t even know if it will work. It could destroy my brain. I could be a drooling-”

“We can escape,” Ceri interrupted. Dorian furrowed his brow in confusion.

“We- what do you mean?”

“You can escape your Father, we can go south to Orlais or Fereldan and-”

“And you’d be free.” Dorian’s tone was quiet and uncertain. Ceri knew why, Dorian had worried that Ceri would have no interest in him if he wasn’t his slave, but he also wanted Ceri to be free. Well, Ceri thought he did.

“Not just me. Both of us. We could live as a normal- we wouldn’t have to hide. You wouldn’t feel like you were taking advantage of me. We’d be… equal.”

“I- Yes. Maybe,” Dorian sighed, he turned away from Ceri and his head fell into his hands. “I have to confront him. I- I think going south might be a … back up plan. Maybe. I need to think.”

“Of course, I- I’m sorry, sir- Dorian,” Ceri stammered. He took a step forward and rested his hand on Dorian’s shoulder.

“I- don’t be sorry.” Dorian looked up and forced a smile. “I’m glad you told me. And I’ll- I’ll protect you from Father. I promise.”

[utilitycaster]

yeah, kinda sucks as an ashton fan that their pre-stream pc buddy is intentionally incapable of deep emotional connection.

tbh Ashton is one of my favorites and I don't mind! I mean, I would have loved it if they and FCG had a deeper connection, but Ashton's out here making all kinds of weird friendships or at least relationships with the party, plus we have all their existing connections in Jrusar. Like, whatever he and Fearne have going on is GREAT and feels more realized than his friendship with FCG already; even Ashton's issues with Dorian were deeper and more interesting.

For what it's worth I know a lot of people love characters knowing each other beforehand and wanted more long-term friendships or relationships early on, but actually, I like it more when the characters have more nascent relationships at the start, if any. I think one of the reasons why so many characters in the Nein hit it off with Beau was because she didn't have any previous connections to other characters, so Marisha had to do the work to connect, which she did. For all I enjoy Fjord and Jester's relationship, or Caleb and Veth's deep friendship, the bonds they have with other members of the Nein were all incredibly important. I get why they do this on Critical Role - it's REALLY tough to bring 7 totally disconnected characters together, and much easier to have three or four different groups instead - but what I'm trying to get at is I don't think Ashton's character suffers at all from a lack of a deep relationship from FCG. It just means I'm focusing more on how they interact with everyone else.

[deiliamedlini]

Whumptober 2021- The Darkness I Know

Chapter 1

Note: So, I decided to do the same thing I did last year, which is to turn the whumptober prompts into one continuous fic! This first chapter heading info up here is a mess! I’ll fix the next post!  Also will be posted on Ao3 (the link will only be on the chapter index page so I don’t keep forgetting to do that). These chapters are typically on the shorter side just because I am writing a chapter daily and haven’t written ahead more than the first two chapters! 

Fic Summary: After the world as she knew it was destroyed by the corruption of Malice, Zelda allies herself with her saviors from captivity: a disgruntled former governor, an alert paramedic, a cocky pilot, an excessively overt optimist, and a blind strategist. While the corrupted, malice-filled Yiga Clan looks for revenge on them, Zelda has to learn how important it is to find family in others... and how much more dangerous the stakes become if she fails to protect them.

No. 1 - ALL TRUSSED UP AND STILL NOWHERE TO GO

“You have to let go” | barbed wire | bound

Chapter Index/ Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean you don’t have a ruler?”

“I don’t need one.”

“What are you doing—… no!”

Never had there been a more malicious offence in Zelda’s eyes. Rulers were the key to life: they kept things straight, and they made things balanced. There was equality in every precise and calculated movement, and a delicate hand was required to hold the simple mechanism steady.

So, watching Dorian take the scissors and cut three strands of paper was like cutting straight through the muscle of Zelda’s heart.

“Why would you do that!” she screeched, more an accusation than a question. “Now they’re uneven, and they’re crooked! You’re insane!”

“It’s just a stencil, Zelda. If you want to cut the wood with a ruler, go ahead, but now we have an idea of how much we need.”

“We need to redo that. It’s not accurate.”

“I’ve been doing this since before you were born. It’s accurate enough. I can eyeball it. Do you want to fix the fence today, or no?”

Zelda grabbed their tools off the table and sulked behind Dorian as he left without waiting for her answer.

There were some battles Zelda knew she had to lose to win the war. This was one of them,

The fence was a priority to keep out anything that might have been affected with Malice from entering Mabe Village. There were so few survivors as it was.

Before the Malice had invaded Hyrule, Zelda had thought that her student loans were the biggest problem she’d have to tackle. She’d thought the money she’d spent on an apartment outside Castle Town was worth it, despite being far from her family back in Akkala. She thought there was a bright future waiting for her behind the years she’d spent in academia, trapped behind computers writing term papers and researching and experimenting and playing by others’ rules with the dream of one day making her own.

Then, the Malice spread: a thick purple substance that oozed from a seemingly endless source; a vile smell that reeked of rotting food in a broken refrigerator, and a gaseous haze that followed that made it near impossible to breathe. Worse, it corrupted any who came into direct physical contact with it for too long, and most of those affected were now dead for one reason or another.

She remembered when her car stopped working on the highway as the purple smoke filled the air on that first day four years ago. She’d stayed inside the metal hull, watching in awed horror as it engulfed her in an endless stream of fog. She ducked down below the steering wheel and listened to the crashes of other cars on the road that didn’t manage to slow down before their sight was stolen by it all. The constant ring of a jammed horn had her blocking her ears after too long.

Three days in the car, officially parched and hungry, no one had come for her. No phones worked; no drivers dared leave their vehicles. But it had become too much, and Zelda decided it was worth risking a venture outside, even amidst the lingering smoke. Her tongue was dried out and every breath of air came out in a wheezing hiss. But she’d done it.

The haze had been unpleasant and burned her eyes a fair bit, but when she stumbled into a water cooler that had fallen from a shattered car’s backseat and chugged every drink inside, she found other survivors along the side of the highway doing the same, and they all stayed together until they could reach safety.

Enter Mabe Village, four years later.

Zelda and her group had scavenged on the side of the road for almost a full year before they’d found the refuge. It was safe from the crazed bokoblins who once lived peacefully in their own territories. It had walls to prevent any of the fast-but-grounded lizalfos from scaling over. And each creature came at them with a vengeance, each fueled by contact with the Malice.

For a while, Zelda was the only engineer who could fix the solar panel garden and keep the power running. She developed as many mechanical skills as she could, fixing tools and maintaining the plumbing. She even began to learn carpentry to keep the houses upright.

Then, Dorian came in: someone with far more experience than her to help lighten her load. She slept more with him around, and he was full of energy to work through the nights when Zelda couldn’t.

“Would your mom ever let you do this?” Dorian joked as they made it to the wall and set their tools down.

Zelda, now in her mid-twenties, hadn’t seen her mom in years, but she’d learned everything from her. She thought about the blonde woman with blue eyes who used to sneak Zelda dangerous tools when she was too young to comprehend the danger. The woman who had her daughter assist her with live wires because she needed a third hand. Zelda knew how to hold a soldering pen before holding a real one.

“No,” Zelda snorted, always careful about her mother’s carelessness. “She’d let me watch, but she’d definitely be too worried about my hands.”

“Always the hands,” Dorian repeated with a joking smile.

“Always the hands.”

The two set out to fix a gaping hole in their fence, and while Dorian took the outside, the barbed wire that was laid over the wood planks to discourage any creatures from ramming into it, Zelda took the wooden boards inside.

When they were all in place, Zelda examined some of the old wood, intrigued by a perfect set of bite marks.

“Dorian! Was this Ms. Maple’s dog who did all this damage?”

She turned it over in her hand and set it down with half a mind to stride right over to the only dog owner in Mabe Village, but when she heard silence from the other side of the fence, Zelda stopped herself.

“Dorian?” When it was still silent, Zelda turned and grabbed the closest tool she could reach: a screwdriver. She glanced down to see if there was anything better, but there was only her ruler, a hammer, nails, and a second flathead.

Looking behind her, she tucked the flathead into her belt and gripped the hammer as tightly as she could before heading around the gate to check on Dorian.

He wasn’t there.

There was barely a moment to think that something might have happened to him before she was face first in the grass with a heavy pressure holding her down.

Zelda tried to buck them off of her, but they were too heavy. There was a sound of metal scraping against something, and Zelda let out a muffled scream into the grass, still trying to free herself.

“No, wait! Wait!”

Zelda’s head whipped up and she saw a large group walking towards her, each dressed in red bodysuits with a strange mask concealing their faces. The voice though… the voice was…

“Dorian!” she screamed, trying to move again. “Get help!”

His face contorted, and he bent down in front of her, but his words were addressed to whoever was behind her. “She’s useful. She’s smart, handy, talented. We need her. And she’ll understand why we did this. She smart,” he said again, nodding to her.

The man behind her hesitated. “You’re sure?”

“Yes. Positive. I’ve seen her work. I know her.”

A chill shot down Zelda’s spine, and she felt herself tugged upwards until she was sitting on her knees, face-to-face with Dorian in his red suit and a white mask atop his grey hair.

“Fine. Bring her with us. Tie her up.”

“Don’t fight, Zelda. I promise, this is just a precaution.”

She couldn’t help her body from struggling a bit, and she watched Dorian slide his mask into place.

“What’s happening? What’s happening?” Her wrists were tugged hard behind her back, and the rope was frayed enough to cut into her skin a bit.  

Dorian held out his hand, and Zelda, now bound, was handed off. “You’re with the Yiga Clan now.”

And with that, every other member of the group drew out their weapons and headed into Mabe Village while Dorian held Zelda still through her sobs for all the friends she’d never see again.

[shift-shaping]

Surana/Solas Party Banter

No idea what the verse for this is. Some sort of hybrid tlatw/canon inquisition idk. But it's fun! 

In case you aren’t familiar, Eirwen Surana was very much in love with Alistair during the Blight, but he sacrificed himself so she could live. Here, she has elected to join the Inquisition.

Banter under the cut!

Solas: A great hero comes to aid the Inquisition. The Hero of Ferelden, no less. Eirwen: Not really, though. Solas: ...No? Eirwen: Alistair was the real hero. He died fighting the archdemon. I only ever did what I had to do. Solas: ...I see.

Solas: Surana. You do not think yourself a hero? Eirwen: *sighs* If a man is ordered to save a child from a burning building or else be killed himself, is he really a hero? Eirwen: Had I not been a Warden, I would have been killed or made Tranquil. I did not choose to do the right thing. I was forced to.

Solas: Regarding our previous conversation. Eirwen: ...alright. Solas: Perhaps the man who went into the burning building does not think himself a hero. But the child he saved will always see him as such, regardless of his motivation. Eirwen: You truly think that? That you can still be a good person if your motivation is purely your own survival? Solas: I did not say that. 'Hero' and 'good person' are not necessarily the same.

Solas: Despite your claim to the contrary, I do not believe you acted purely out of your own self-interest. Eirwen: *dryly* You seem fascinated by my past. Solas: You are an elven mage. It is rare for either to be elevated to the status of legendary hero. (If the Inquisitor is an elf, a mage, or both: Eirwen: Well apparently it's not that rare. Solas: Even still.) Solas: You are an historical anomaly. It is... unfortunate that you are so quick to dismiss your own heroism. If neither Solas nor Eirwen are romanced Eirwen: *flatly* Are you flirting with me? Solas: *surprised* What?

After All New, Faded for Her Eirwen: I'm sorry about Wisdom, Solas. Solas: I appreciate that. Thank you. Eirwen: It must have had a wealth of knowledge. It is a shame to lose so much for so little. Solas: There is a difference between wisdom and knowledge. Eirwen: Right, yes. I remember a joke about that. Would you like to hear it? Solas: ...alright. Eirwen: *clears her throat* Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing it does not belong in a fruit salad. Solas: ... Eirwen: Too soon, I suppose. Sorry.

Solas: Thank you, Surana. Eirwen: I told you, Dorian and I aren't fond of that particular vintage. And I thought you'd appreciate the earthy tones. Solas: I... am unsure whether to be insulted. Regardless, that is not what I was referring to. Eirwen: Oh? Solas: Your joke. I did not mean to dismiss it. You... it was unexpected. But not bad at all. Eirwen: Oh. Well, that's about the least dirty joke I know. Want to hear one a drunken dwarf told me in the Deep Roads? Solas: No, thank you.  Eirwen: Ah, you wouldn't like it anyway.

After Here Lies the Abyss Eirwen: I didn't know you disliked the Wardens so much, Solas. Solas: It was not worth mentioning, to you. Eirwen: To me? The most famous living Warden? Veteran of the Fifth Blight? And your friend, or so I thought? Solas: No. Because, truly, what have the Wardens actually accomplished in terms of understanding the Blight? Do you honestly feel you understand it any better than you did before you became one? Eirwen: Is that a serious question? Do I understand it better after witnessing its ravages than I did when I'd merely read about them in a book? Solas: What did the Wardens teach you? What did you learn from them, about the Blight? Eirwen: More than I will ever tell you. Solas: *bitterly* Ah. Of course.

Eirwen: You have always been an apostate, have you not? Solas: By your Chantry's definition, I suppose. Eirwen: My chantry? Am I the Divine now, too? Anyway, you have never spent time in a Circle. Solas: No. Eirwen: Then one thing I will tell you about the Wardens is this: there is no other path to freedom for many mages than to join them. You were not dragged from your home in chains because of what you are. You were not barred from dreaming, or threatened with Tranquility when you performed a spell especially well. Solas: You should not have had to make that choice, Surana. Eirwen: Yet I did. It was the only one I had. And the Wardens are all the world has to counter the Blight. You can disagree from your tower in Skyhold or your hut in the woods or whatever, but we are working with what is available to us. Come up with a real solution and I will listen. But I'm uninterested in ignorant complaints from someone who was not there.

Eirwen: It's not my Chantry. Solas: Poor wording, I suppose. Eirwen: I don't even like the Chantry. Solas: I meant no offense. Eirwen: Yes, you did. Or you didn't care. Solas: I... do not know what you want me to say. Eirwen: Then don't say anything.

Solas: Where was home to you, Surana? Before the Circle? Eirwen: *sighs* An orphanage in Denerim's alienage. Solas: Really? In that case I would have expected you to sound more like Sera. (Sera, if present: What? You think all city elves sound the same? Solas: You are from the same section of the same city. Why would you not have the same accent?) Eirwen: I don't sound like Sera because I was beaten in the Circle until I spoke 'properly.' No offense to Sera, of course. (Sera, if present: More reason to be glad I'm not like you two.)

Solas: I am sorry, Surana. Living in the Circle must have been difficult, and I imagine being a Warden during the Blight was no easier. Eirwen: *sighs* It's alright. You couldn't have known. Solas: I should have tried. I have done you a disservice. I hope you will forgive me. Eirwen: Maybe. Possibly. Did you bring any of that wine with you? Solas: Unfortunately not. Eirwen: *playfully* Then, no. Eirwen: ...But please, call me Eirwen. Solas: I will, Eirwen.

Eirwen: You know, you're something of an 'historical anomaly' yourself, Solas. Solas: How so? Eirwen: You're an elven apostate at the top of a Chantry-led organization. (If Solas is romanced Eirwen: You're even romantically involved with its leader!) Eirwen: You will have a role in history as surely as I. Solas: Perhaps. Tell me though, what does your statue in Denerim look like? The ears, specifically? Eirwen: ...Ah. Fair enough. Never mind, then. I imagine we'll both have our ears docked and our staves turned to swords, in time. Solas: How lucky for us.

If neither Solas nor Eirwen are romanced Solas: Have you ever learned any elven, Eirwen? Eirwen: Unfortunately not. A few words here and there, a long time ago. It wasn't exactly taught in the Circle. Solas: Would you like to? Eirwen: I --oh. I hadn't --um. Solas: *chuckles* You do not have to learn. Eirwen: No! I would love to. From you, I assume? Solas: I cannot imagine you were going to learn it from Sera. Sera, if present: Right on that, if nothin' else.

If neither Solas nor Eirwen are romanced Solas: What elven words do you recall, from your alienage? Eirwen: Ah... okay. Hahren, that's like... elder, or leader. The tree in the middle was called the vhenadahl. Lethallan is like friend, or ally, or maybe even sister? Um, and people who married beneath the vhenadahl called each other something. Vhenan, I think. Which is probably 'love'? Solas: Do you know what vhenadahl means? Eirwen: It must be something about a tree. Solas: And where is it, in the alienage? Eirwen: *slowly* ...The middle. Solas: *amused* And what is another word for the middle of something that spouses might call each other? Eirwen: ...Heart? Solas: So what do you think 'vhenan' means, if it is built from the same root as vhenadahl? Eirwen: *excitedly* ...Heart! Solas: My heart. But well done. Sera, if present: *drawn out groan*

After What Pride Had Wrought, if neither Solas nor Eirwen are romanced Solas: Eirwen, I-- Solas: I am sorry we had to cut our lessons short. Eirwen: It's... I understand. We... no, you were right. Solas: For what it is worth, Eirwen, you... will always be important to me. You have made me re-think so much. I will treasure that, and you, always. Eirwen: Thank you. Perhaps, in another life, another time, we could have-- Solas: I know. *quietly* I know. Ir abelas, lethallan. Eirwen: Telanadas, hahren. Solas: Ma nuvenin.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Yeah, so I read your HP headcanons/analysis and I found it really well put. I was wondering about your thoughts on Dumbledore and who he really was as a person. (It’s okay if you don’t really want to reply :> )

We’re just getting all up into The Carnivorous Muffin headcanon land, aren’t we?

Well, this one’s probably obvious to anyone who reads my work.

I fall on the manipulative Dumbledore side of things and then some. Dumbledore is not only a bastard man but is a raging misogynist and extremely classist (which is funny because I don’t see too many people calling him out for those last two when to me canon all but shouts it at you). 

Basically, what it comes down to, is even taken in very good faith I simply cannot read Dumbledore’s actions as benign in pretty much every single goddamn decision he makes ever.

God, where do I even start here? I guess we can go chronologically.

Well, there was Dumbledore’s Wizard Nazi youth with an oddly Dorian Gray flare to it with Gellert. I think it’s fairly obvious why Dumbledore’s not exactly... good there so I’m going to skip past it. Suffice to say, it took his sister’s death (and maybe murdering his own invalid sister) for Dumbledore to stop planning world domination. Even then it wasn’t so much that world domination was wrong, but because his sister died and he was an asshole.

I’m going to go ahead and include CoG and Fantastic Beasts because I can (CoG, while a terrible movie, actually does entertain me in many ways). Anyways, before the films came out I always considered the younger Dumbledore far more stoic and brooding. He doesn’t get his eccentric persona until after the defeat of Grindelwald and was before then angsty mcangsts and an academic at heart. 

Well, per CoG, apparently he was a budding spy master long before defeating Gellert/Voldemort popped up. We see him manipulating Newt, sending him to Paris as his own agent, WHEN NEWT DOESN’T WANT TO GO AND HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT DUMBLEDORE USED HIM INTHE LAST FILM. Dumbledore writes off having used Newt for his own agenda with a charming smile but none the less it paints a pretty grim picture that Albus has always been... Albus. There has always been a greater good out there somewhere and the man is always using someone as a pawn.

Cut to canon and his treatment of Tom Riddle. Frankly, Dumbledore’s treatment of the young Tom Riddle, and even Tom Riddle just before he came Voldemort, is insane. The thought experiment I like to run is “replace Tom in those scenes with Harry Potter”.

Harry was a poor orphan, whose guardians would more than match what Mrs. Cole said about Tom Riddle, who had spurts of accidental magic now and then and enjoyed when his bully cousin was discomfitted. Now, imagine Dumbledore giving Harry his letter, and then pretending to light all of Harry’s possessions on fire to “teach him a lesson”. What the fuck?

Now, am I saying Tom Riddle wasn’t creepy here and that killing a rabbit was terrible. No. But I am saying Dumbledore had a horrible reaction to it and is proud of it years later. (Also, the fact that he uses this memory to convince Harry of how evil Tom is, is hilarious to me. Dumbledore, you were the shit that lit people’s wardrobes on fire. If I was Tom, I’d be upset too). 

Dumbledore is always like this with Tom Riddle. He thinks the worst of Tom even in points where Tom hasn’t done anything. I’m not talking about later when, yes, Tom did live up to Dumbledore’s fears but when Dumbledore treats him like garbage and actively sabotaged Tom’s career.

Anyways, cut to later when the Marauders are in school. One of the big things is that Dumbledore puts up a guerilla resistance gang OF SCHOOL CHILDREN. While most members are older, James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are all only just out of Hogwarts. “Well,” you say, “It’s their choice and they did graduate. Surely Dumbledore wasn’t actually recruiting school children.” I point you towards canon, where Dumbledore convinces three actual school children that the fate of the nation rests on their shoulders and to go fight the good fight. So yes, Dumbledore canonically uses child soldiers and has no regret for doing so.

The other is letting James and Sirius off the hook for the Lupin incident. While Dumbledore talks the talk this showed that he was not willing to walk the walk. True, while getting them into major trouble would have involved outing Lupin (who was innocent in all of this) at the same time they were nearly responsible for the murder of another student. It’s very convenient that Dumbledore lets off the rich son of a lord, two individuals who later end up in the resistance movement (Potter likely funding part of it), and tells the impoverished half blood to sit down and shut up.

And in canon, yes, I believe that Dumbledore absolutely knew what Harry’s home condition was like. While the blood wards are an excuse they aren’t a particularly good one as for most of Harry’s childhood the Death Eaters were all accounted for. Harry was in no extreme danger from them. To not have had an inkling of Harry’s home life (when Harry even hints at it when wanting to stay over the summer, Harry runs away from home in third year, Fred and George see the bars on the window, and he even visits Harry’s home in sixth year) would be such laughable incompetence and stupidity it’s right out.

With that, I absolutely do believe what Snape showed us in the memory, the Dumbledore behind the scenes as it were. That Dumbledore knew fairly early that Harry Potter was a horcrux and began grooming Harry for suicide. Specifically, that’s what sixth year really is. All those memories of Tom Riddle, the pretext to get some memory from Slughorn, it’s an excuse for a smear campaign designed to convince Harry that Tom Riddle is inherently evil and must die at all costs, even Harry’s own life. 

Dumbledore didn’t need that Slughorn memory. Sure, it was useful to know Tom intended to make seven but think about it. How did Dumbledore know there’d be anything remotely useful in there? He doesn’t know that Tom actually drops a number on Slughorn. Even then, he doesn’t know whether Tom actually goes and does it. All of it felt like, “Harry, I have a super secret important mission that only YOU can do. Can you handle it, Harry? Because without this the country is surely doomed” And in that I mean it was an effort to win back Harry’s favor after the previous year meltdown, keep him busy, and start in on the excuse to show Harry some pretty damn innocuous memories of Tom Riddle and go, “See, HE IS EVIL!”

Due to this, I frankly think that the train scene was a hallucination on Harry’s part. Wishful thinking for some gentle explanation of how Dumbledore had not cruelly used him for years and intended his death. 

Well, that and it never made much sense that Dumbledore could predict Harry’s a) becoming the master of death b) miraculous second resurrection.

In the first case, Harry becomes master of death because of wand lore bullshit and happenstance where Harry happens to save Draco’s life. Dumbledore had no idea such a thing would happen. Dumbledore’s plan was for there to be no master of death, as the wand would default to having no owner when Snape defeated Dumbledore on Dumbledore’s orders. That Draco got the wand is a sort of Deus ex Machina. Sorry guys, Dumbledore intended Harry to die.

More, even then, while Dumbledore was very into the occult of these things we leave canon without any idea if these things are even responsible for his resurrection. They’re just relatively nifty objects with a legend behind them. There was nothing concrete to suggest that, should Harry happen to get all of them, he would be able to rise from the dead.

Otherwise onto the misogyny and classism parts.

In terms of misogyny this is from every time Dumbledore talks about Lily Evans or Merope Gaunt. In the case of Lily, she’s this weird Madonna figure whose love for Harry was so powerful it saved his life. That she also happened to make these blood wards Dumbledore cannot reproduce and extended her protection to Harry wherever he went is irrelevant. It’s her love that counts. That feminine, maternal, love purer than all others.

Basically, Dumbledore seems to be of the belief that women are flowers. The best of women are these demure, selfless, brave women who sacrifice themselves for their children. Yikes, Dumbledore.

Merope’s the really bad one though. Merope’s tale is how she drugged and raped a defenseless muggle for months and then he escaped. Dumbledore spins it into this Victorian tale of woe where Tom Riddle Sr. THE KIDNAPPED RAPE VICTIM is the asshole here who abandoned Merope to the merciless cold world. How dare he. 

It’s very clear that Dumbledore doesn’t see Merope, or women in general, as people. Instead these weird Victorian ideals who can be tragic victims of circumstance.

As for the classism.

While Dumbledore’s very against the pureblood culture we see in the Malfoys a lot of his treatment of Tom Riddle feels very... classist. The big one, which is a little tangential but I say it counts, is Dumbledore’s theory that children of rape are incapable of love. Granted, he’s saying this while convincing Harry to kill himself for the good of the cause and there is a real world parallel in that alcohol/drugs while pregnant is a very bad idea that can lead to extreme mental and physical health disorders. That said, we’re talking love potions at conception, and it always read more as “rape babies” vs. specific drugs. And that is... just yikes on so many levels.

Now, do I agree with manipulative Dumbledore we see in many fics? No, because Dumbledore’s not that stupid.

He doesn’t need to borrow money from Harry’s vault, he doesn’t need to pay off Hermione and Ron to be Harry’s friends, he doesn’t need to choose Harry’s friends for him, he doesn’t need to manipulate Harry’s memories directly. He doesn’t need to do any of this because he got what he wanted just fine in canon.

Dumbledore is one of the smartest characters in canon, far smarter than Harry, and he doesn’t have to stoop to such outrageous schemes to get what he wants. Poorly concealed smear campaigns convincing Harry to commit suicide are more than enough.

[louiseleblancdiggory]

omg can u write a second part to that secret rowaelin / aelins birthday party one shot, I NEED to know how that continues.. and maybe another one shot from when they realised that they're not actual just fuckbuddys but in love ahhhh I love this AU and u writing is so GOOD

I’m so glad you like it!! I was planning on writing the Halloween scene, so I feel like this will end up being a small AU maybe? Like I’ll write the main parts of their story? Who knows. But I will definitely post the Halloween scene and the scene from when things changed... For now, here’s how explaining to their friends went

This is the part one. You really need to read it to understand what’s going on in this scene. 

Birthday revelations 

--

Aelin was frozen.

She was staring wide eyed at all of her friends standing in her living room. Their faces were the picture of astonishment and disbelief. She knew she should go up to them and explain everything but this isn’t how she had planned it out, so she merely snuggled closer to Rowan, his arms tightening around her.

They were so fucked.

“What the actual fuck?” Lysandra said, her voice a mix of perplexity and slight betrayal. “You two… But.. How? When?”

“Aelin, you fucking snake.” Manon said, but Aelin could see the humor gleaming on her eyes and that her smile was genuine. She seemed like the only one not completely pissed. Even Elide looked a little betrayed.

“Bro, you’re banging my cousin?” Aedion’s face contorted with disgust when he looked at Aelin’s bare legs and undoubtedly saw the handprints. Vaughan gave him a slap on the back of his head.

“Aedion, please.” Yrene said, her voice calm but her face a mask of shock as everyone else. “Let them recompose themselves. They obviously weren’t expecting us.”

“What are you all doing here?” Rowan finally said, even though it was obvious what they were doing here.

“What are we doing here? What are you doing here, Rowan?” Fenrys replied, crossing his arms. When Rowan opened his mouth again, Fen raised a hand dramatically. “Don’t answer that truthfully. I don’t want details.”

Aelin’s cheeks were on fire, and Rowan’s arms hugged her a little more tightly.

“Can you guys it down so we can explain?” She said, her voice steady despite how fast her heart was beating.

She didn’t want it to be like this, neither did Rowan. They wanted to sit them all down and explain everything on their terms. Rowan wanted to talk privately with Aedion, and Aelin sure as hell didn’t want Lysandra feeling as if she didn’t trust her. And now they had waited too long and everything went to shit.

Each one of their friends found a place to sit. Manon was sitting on Dorian’s lap, Yrene and Chaol by their side on the sofa. Nehemia and Asterin were on the loveseat, Nehemia’s arm tucking Asterin close. Fenrys and Connall each sat on one of the loveseat’s armrest, Vaughan standing behind Connall.

Lorcan, Gavriel, Sartaq, Nesryn, Borte and Ren took up the chairs by the table. Lorcan pulled a stiff Elide to sit on his lap, whispering something in her ear that made her relax a little.

Lysandra and Aedion remained where they were, arms crossed.

Rowan nudged Aelin forward and they approached everyone. He sat down on an armchair, taking Aelin with him. She could have sworn Aedion flinched at that.

Rowan started to make soothing circles on her thigh, and she held one of his hands with both of hers, sweeping her fingers over his knuckles. Despite it all, Rowan seemed calm.  He was lazily leaning on the armchair, completely content to hold his girlfriend on his lap, play with her thigh and tell all of her friends and her cousin how he had been sleeping with her behind their backs.

“So, you guys are banging.” Asterin broke the silence.

Borte snorted. “Obviously. The girl looks like she just got railed, so unless they play some very wild type of boardgames in her room while in the dark, yes, they are banging.”

“Borte, for the love of god.” Nesryn murmured at the same time Sartaq said, “Borte, shut the fuck up.”

Rowan sighed, deeply and suffering. “Yes, we are…”

“Banging.” Nehemia added.

“Can we please stop using the word ‘bang’?” Chaol muttered.

“Pardon.” Nehemia looked at him impatiently. “Fucking, then.”

Chaol rolled his eyes and Aelin couldn’t help but snort.

“How?” Dorian asked, his voice dripping disbelief. After Lys, Dorian was probably the person who heard Aelin complaining about Rowan the most.

Despite herself, Aelin found herself saying, “You want to know how we fuck?”

Rowan, Vaughan, Manon and Asterin were the only ones that laughed.

“I thought you hated each other.” Fen said, his brows furrowing.

“They did. I remember High School junior Aelin running after Rowan with a knife with the full intent of killing him.” Connall looked at his brother. “Unless they’re together since then and that was some type of kink.”

“Please, I don’t want to know Aelin’s kinks.” Ren looked pained.

“Please, I don’t want to know about Rowan’s kinks either.” Lorcan added, but his voice was full of humor. The asshole must have been finding this whole situation hilarious.

“Stop using Aelin, Rowan and kinks in the same sentence for the love of god.” Aedion pleaded.

“Let them explain.” Gavriel, always the voice of reason, interrupted.

“It started on Halloween.” She started only to be then interrupted by Aedion.

“You guys have been together for six months and told no one?” His eyes widened. “Oh my god. It was when I told Lin to stay in the apartment, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, and we haven’t been together for six months.” Aelin could feel Rowan losing his patience as he explained their situation. “We slept together six months ago, but it wasn’t anything important. It was just sex then.”

“But not anymore?” Elide asked, her voice low. Something glinted on her eyes.

“That’s impossible. A relationship between them is unbelievable.” Chaol snorted and Aelin felt Rowan’s hand tightening on her leg.

“No.” Aelin shrugged, losing her patience just like Rowan. She could understand them feeling hurt because neither Aelin nor Rowan had told them anything, but acting like her relationship with Rowan was wrong made her stomach turn. “We fucked around a bit. Months, actually. We couldn’t stand each other when we weren’t fucking in the beginning, it was honestly just sex. We didn’t feel like telling anyone because once it ended, we didn’t want things to get awkward. We didn’t want the jokes, or suggestions that we should just date. It was easy and simple and telling other people would make it too real.”

Surprisingly, Lorcan, Nesryn and Connall nodded. Fenrys relaxed, and even Borte was smiling at them the way Manon had since the beginning.

“Lys and Aedion had just started dating then, and they spent most nights in our apartment, so I would come here to see Ace. In the first few nights I would arrive, we would fuck and I would leave. Slowly I started coming earlier and we would eat something. I would spend the night and we would grab breakfast together. We became friends.” Rowan shrugged.

“So you two are fuck buddies?” Ren asked.

“No, things changed two months ago after an… incident.” Aelin said and Rowan squeezed her thigh. Aelin didn’t have to look back to know he was fighting a smile. “But then we didn’t know how to tell you guys that we had been fucking for four months and told no one. Ro thought it was better for the two of us to just sit down and tell everyone at once.”

“Ace thought it would be better if she talked to the girls and I talked to the guys.” Rowan finished for her. The tension from her body had vanished, and she was completely resting her back against Rowan’s chest.

“We discussed it for a month and decided to go with Ro’s idea. But then spring break came and everyone went off to somewhere else. We decided to tell when everyone was back. We were going to do it this week after my birthday but you guys came here today.”

“So, basically, you guys have been together for six months. One way or another.” Vaughan asked and Aelin and Rowan nodded.

“Hum, good for you.” Manon said, looking at Aelin. Nehemia, Yrene and Asterin nodded, a small smile playing on their lips.

“Is that why you almost kicked me out of here earlier?” Lys asked, genuinely curious. She didn’t look as pissed as she had in the beginning.

“No. I didn’t even know Ro was coming until I opened the door an hour ago.” She sat up, crossing her legs. Rowan shifted slightly to accommodate her on his lap, his hands now on her hips. “I just didn’t want you to ditch a night with your boyfriend to stay home with me.”

Lys nodded, a small smile playing on her lips. Aelin didn’t fool herself in thinking that Lys wasn’t hurt about her silence, but it was good to know her best friend wasn’t majorly pissed.

“So he’s your boyfriend?” Aedion asked her, but his eyes were on Rowan.

Rowan’s voice was hard when he replied for her. “Yes.”

The room was silent until Manon started laughing. And then Yrene, Nehemia and Asterin. Borte and Nesryn cackled, and Lys and Elide shared a knowing smile. The men only grunted.

“Pay up, assholes.” Elide said.

“What?” Rowan and Aelin said in unison.

“Sophomore year of High School Elide said the two of you would end up together at some point. The tension would just build up to a point that the two of you would either cut all ties or would fuck.” Lorcan grunted, taking out his wallet. “The girls agreed with her. The men said you guys would simply start ignoring each other after college. We bet a hundred and fifty each. We would get the money and split so it’s equal to everyone in each team.”

Aelin’s jaw fell. Rowan sat up then, eyes narrowing. “You have a bet of six years on us?”

“Yes.” Elide replied, happily. “And although me and Ms. Galathynius over there will have a chat about your relationship later, I can’t say I’m sad about going home tonight a hundred and eighty seven bucks richer.”

“You have a bet of six years on whether or not we would bang?” Rowan repeated, dumbfounded.

“I thought we agreed to stop using the word bang.” Chaol said.

“Yeah, bro, it’s fuck.” Connall nodded solemnly as he handed his money to Asterin.

“And who says we only have one?” Manon chirped, counting the money Dorian had painfully given to her.

“I hate every single one of you.” Aelin grunted, resting against Rowan’s chest again. She could feel his body shaking with laughter and had to bite her own lip to fight a smile.

“You hate me? I’m a hundred and fifty poorer and my best friend is banging my cousin. This can’t get worse.”

“You’ll have to see them together every day now. And when Aelin spends the night on your apartment or Rowan isn’t home, you’ll know exactly what’s happening.” Fenrys said, his tone helpful.

Aedion merely groaned.

Aelin turned and gave Rowan a quick kiss, getting up to talk to the girls privately. Rowan gave her ass a playful slap, and she heard Aedion groan again. One look at Rowan and he was smiling like a fiend.

Oh he was going to have fun torturing Aedion.

Aelin spent the rest of the night apologizing for her silence and telling her friends what the last six months had been like. She had a feeling Rowan was doing the same with the guys, but probably with a lot less detail if Aedion hadn’t thrown up on the floor yet.

“You’ll have to make up for it.” Elide said, but she didn’t seem pissed. “We understand why you didn’t tell us, but it still hurts a bit.”

“True.” Lys said as the others nodded.

“I know and I’m so sorry. You guys have no idea how many times I wanted to talk to one of you about Rowan or about something I was insecure about, especially when I started falling for him.” The girls smiled softly at that, even Manon. “But it wasn’t my decision alone, and I couldn’t go up to Ro and say ‘hey, would you mind if I told the girls about us fucking because I think I’m falling hard for you and don’t really know how to proceed?’”

Nesryn snorted, and Yrene put an arm around Aelin. “So you really like him, huh.”

Aelin looked over to Rowan. He was smiling at something Fenrys had said and that had left Aedion scowling. “Yeah, I do.” She said softly.

“This is so strange.” Borte murmured to Asterin.

“So…” Nehemia started, and her tone made Aelin snap her eyes back to her friends.

They were all smiling in a scary way.

“Now that we’ve got the forgiveness part out of the way…” Elide continued.

Aelin’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“How’s the sex?” Lysandra finished and despite herself, Aelin felt her cheeks heating. All the girls laughed at that.

“Good.” She answered, then smiled. “Like really fucking amazing. Best lay of my life.”

“We agree with Fenrys and we do not want details but…” Manon said. “You can be more specific.”

All the women nodded eagerly and Aelin laughed.

She quickly looked at Rowan before telling her friends exactly how Rowan had discovered every bit of her body and soul in the last six months.

She told them of the fighting. The befriending. The falling. 

She told them how she was still falling, head first into the L-word zone. 

She told them how she couldn’t be happier she was falling.

Tags:

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato @jlinez @courtofjurdan

[punkrockgenasiashton]

So, I haven’t rewatched episode 1 of campaign 3 yet (I probably will this weekend because you miss some stuff watching it with people reacting), but having slept on it and collected my thoughts a little I figured I’d put them down on a page. 

First and foremost, and the biggest reason I want to rewatch it, is the setting. Idk if it was just how tired I was, the fact that friends and I were talking a bit, but I didn’t feel like I got sucked all the way into Marquet, or the city that they’re in. From the bits I did absorb it sounded incredible and lovely, and I’d like very much to fully submerge myself in it. 

I love all the characters. Imogen’s seemingly simple goal of just getting into the dang library leaves a lot of room to play with and asks all sorts of questions about why she wants in there. Ashton, clearly by my already brand new blog name, is an early favorite. I’ve already seen people point out the similarities between Ashton and Molly, but I think those are surface level/aesthetic at most. Ashton’s whole attitude is something I vibe with much more than I ever did Molly (who I found stuck up). Laudna is mine (and Imogen’s?) goth girlfriend and anyone slandering her name will be ended. Also because she mentioned she’s from Whitestone there’s already a whole lot of theories floating around. To step on a rake again (I got Artagan isn’t the Traveler AND Werewolf Caleb dead wrong), I think this is a red herring. At this point we’re ~50-60 years since Whitestone fell to the Briarwoods, I think Laudna being from Whitestone is incidental. Finally, for brand new characters, I would take a bullet for Freshly Cut Grass and put a bullet in anyone attempting to make their day slightly worse. 

Now, for the contentious bit. As I said, I love the characters, they all seem deep and interesting and worthy of exploration, but the characters chosen, the mechanics of the game behind one, and their introduction has set me a bit unease. I’m talking, specifically of course, about the ExU crew and the return of Bertarum Bell. 

Let’s start with Bell. I love Travis’ portrayal of him, and if I’m wrong and he’s around for the long haul I’ll be pumped for it. That said, it very much feels like he’s a temporary character. His age, the fact that he was originally introduced as a level 18 character in a campaign 1 one shot but is now level 5, the fact that he’s two (important) levels ahead of the rest of the party, and his interactions with the party (acting as almost a talent scout or a head hunter) all give the distinct impression that he’s less of a long term character and more of a plot device to put the group in contact with the orc man they met at the end of the episode. 

And that leaves the ExU folks. (and for the record this is coming from somebody who hasn’t found time to watch ExU) Individually, as characters, I think they’re great. I already love Fearne’s kinda spacy weirdness. She’s the criminal stoner to Cad’s chill stoner and I love her for it. Dorian has anxiety and is a hot boi, but I didn’t really get anything else from him. Robbie has a great energy though ooc. Orym’s also a bit of a mystery. I love how Liam verbalizes his combat though. Tricky fucker is bouncing around all over the place. That said, their mission to find someone and bring them back to Tal’dorei also gives the vibe that their temporary characters. 

And the fact that exactly half the party feels like they’re stand in/temporary characters leaves me with a sense of...unease and unpredictability. And not the “I’m excited to see what happens next” kind of unpredictability, but the “I’m nervous this entire thing is going to fall apart or worse the players will try to hold it together despite there being no narrative or character purpose to do so” kind. 

There’s also something just...odd about only one player character being confirmed as from Marquet, and that one character having spent a large and recent chunk of time away from there. I know they stressed that story is only ‘beginning’ in Marquet, but it really does feel like a large chunk of the party would leave Marquet tomorrow if, say Imogen and Laudna learn about the Cobalt Soul libraries and Ashton heard he could get work in Emon. 

Also, and this is just a personal grumpy note, I would really like to know the player’s subclasses please. Combat is much more engaging and easier to enjoy if you’re not spending most of it asking the person you’re watching with or yourself “wait, what are they doing? How are they doing it?” Obviously some surprises are nice, but part of my enjoyment of combat is like watching a sport or a super hero movie, I like to know what the guys I’m rooting for are capable of. 

That said, overall I am excited. I’m not going to stop watching because of my dislikes and initial reactions to the ExU crew and Bell’s seeming temporary status. I’m pumped to see what stories Matt’s going to tell, and to the party’s credit, one episode in, they seem to be far more willing to engage in Plot than the Nein did early on.

Anyway, I’d love to hear anyone’s opinions, either in agreement or dissenting. 

[mrsseverussnape]

Love Is You - chapter 12

    A week has passed since the Christmas and Scarlett hasn't seen or talk to Severus again. The things Severus said about their breakup still didn't settle with Scarlett. She couldn't help herself but thought if they haven't broken up, perhaps things would be way different in her life right now. Scarlett was so sure that Severus would marry her and they would have their own little family with their cats but everything has gone downhill all of a sudden. The next 2 years after the breakup were the time when Sirius came back to Scarlett’s life once again. They recovered their friendship from the very start and after those 2 years their relationship turned into a romantic one. She didn't have any regrets about her relationship and later about her marriage with Sirius though actually they were pretty wonderful, but Severus always had a special place in her heart that she could not replace it with anyone.

<<< 

    Scarlett and the twins were having breakfast when a Jack Russel terrier patronus rushed in. Before they could react to it, the patronus delivered a message to Scarlett.

"At 11 o'clock, in our cabin. Be there, important."

Scarlett checked the wall clock immediately, it was 10:30. That message made her nervous because whenever they had to talk in the cabin, it was never a good sign. And also the patronus message added more stress to the situation, it meant there is a critic situation.

"Mum what was that? Whose patronus was it?"

"The minister's. But i don't know what's going on Leo."

"Why do you have a cabin together?"

"It is for the important stuff that we can't talk anywhere because unwanted people can hear."

"But you resigned, why do you still have to deal with ministry stuff?"

"Leo i know as much as you know right now. T last time i saw Dorian was weeks ago."

The twins didn't question her any further because she was visibly nervous about the situation. They continued to eat their breakfast in silence but Scarlett went upstairs to get dressed for the meeting since she didn’t have much time left. She wore a black dress and a black cloak to hide herself from possible stalkers. The minister's message made her thought that maybe he has been stalked since he didn't send a normal letter. She went downstairs to let her kids know that she was leaving. "I gotta go now. I don't know when i will be back, don't worry okay?"

"I can come with you to protect you?"

"No Leo, it is just a meeting. I will be fine. Bye!"

Then she apparated to a hidden spot of the Clemont Forest; Scarlett looked around and made sure there was no one here. Later she faced to west and took 300 steps then 86 steps to the north and now she was standing in front of the grand oak tree. She whispered "revelio" and the small cabin appeared next to the tree. She looked around one more time before casting complex unlocking charms on the door. When Scarlett walked in the cabin, the minister was already waiting for her.

"Hello Scarlett, thank you for coming." Dorian said with a forced smile, under of his eyes were dark and he was looking paler than ever.

"Hi Dorian. Is everything okay?"

He shook his head madly. "No, no Scarlett. I made a mistake and now everything will go downhill..." he started to pace around the small room. "He is dangerous, he should be stopped!" The minister was acting like crazy and that worried Scarlett even more.

"Please sit down and relax then tell me what's going on. I can't help you if i don't understand."

He sighed and sat on the closest chair while Scarlett was sitting in front of him. "Amos, Amos Langley. He is bad, Scarlett. First he wanted to abolish your law about the death eaters, i sent him to you in hope that maybe you could change his mind but apparently you couldn't. Many former death eaters were released now, even he hired 2 of them as his assistants. And i guess he is reading my letters and following me."

Scarlett wasn't so surprised about Amos Langley but she wasn't expecting that much. "I didn't like him from the very start to be honest, when he came to meet me he acted very off and made me uncomfortable. But that's just too much. Why didn't you stop him about the law? You could gather a meeting with the councilmen, i don't think they would accept it so he wouldn’t be able to abolish it."

"I did Scarlett and they accepted it. Amos took everyone under his control, he is like using imperio on them. Maybe he really does..."

"I understand... I don't want to sound rude but where did you find him?”

"A friend of mine from French Ministry of Magic told me about him. He was from there but wanted to come to London and my friend said he is really good and i will enjoy working with him. Since you resigned so suddenly, i hired him as the deputy minister. I didn't have any other options..."

Scarlett raised her eyebrow. "Ah... Now i found why he looked familiar to me. The last time i was in Paris, he talked to me after the seminar. I was quite annoyed by him since he didn’t stop talking for some time."

Dorian’s eyes got wider with fear. "Are you saying he targeted us way before he came here?"

“Why would he do that tho?"

"A new death eater campaign?" The minister suggested.

"Hopefully not but the things you said doesn't sound good at all. What do you want me to do?"

"If you can talk to Dumbledore, it will be great. I don't want to do it myself because i think someone follows me like i said before. I don't feel safe even in my home Scarlett, i don't trust anyone but you."

<<< 

    Scarlett visited Dumbledore immediately after the meeting and told Dumbledore about the minister's worries and the situations in the ministry. Dumbledore was concerned but yet he wasn't sure if he should do something without having a certain evidence. But Scarlett was persistent about it so he decided to gather a meeting with the Order of the Phoenix members at Grimmauld place the very next evening since it's Sunday and everyone would be free.

    It was 9:30 o'clock and finally everyone has arrived at Grimmauld place. Nobody knew what's going on and they were all worried about the meeting which they've been called so suddenly without any information. Dumbledore clapped his hands to stop chattering then he cleared his throat before started to talk. "Welcome my friends. I know every one of you are wondering why we are here tonight. I will let Scarlett to explain it to you because she knows about it better than me."

The heads turned to Scarlett questioningly. She licked her lips to wet them before starting to speak. "First of all thank you for coming here tonight. I will directly dive into the topic, i don't wanna keep you waiting anymore. I had a secret meeting with the Minister yesterday because he has some concerns. He doesn't trust the new deputy minister even he suspects that the deputy has some kind of connections with Death Eaters. He abolished the law i have made about imprisoning the Death Eaters rest of their lives. And he didn't stop with that even he has hired some of them in the ministry. Also Dorian believes that Amos, the deputy minister, is stalking him or hired someone to do it for him. And i met Amos, he visited me couple of weeks ago, i don't trust him as well. Something is off with him. So briefly the Minister wants help before it is too late." Scarlett took a look at everyone’s faces, most of them had a shocked expression.

"So if i understood right, you gathered us here just because you and the Minister have bad feelings about the Amos guy." James Potter stated in an annoying tone.

Scarlett sighed, James and her were never in good terms and he would constantly start an argument with her. "I want to do something before Dorian gets hurt. Does it sound good to you that Amos abolished the law about Death Eaters and hired them as assistants?"

"You are just annoyed because he took your place and abolished the law you made."

"He is in my place because i did quit. I don't work for the ministry anymore so i have literally zero gain from this, James."

James rolled his eyes at her. "I think this is nonsense, there is no evidence that he is up to something."

"I saw the new deputy too and i must agree with Scarlett, he is weird. I think we can do some research about him at least." Said Minerva McGonagall and Dumbledore agreed with her.

"He took control over the Auror Department a week ago. I am the head of the department but i must tell him about the situation beforehand and he decides if we take an action or not. He stopped us about two attacks on muggleborns this week, saying they are not as important." Sirius looked at Scarlett.  "So i am in whatever you want to do about him."

They all discussed about it for a while. Some of them were agreeing with Scarlett but some wasn't sure like James because there were no real actions yet, beside abolishing the law. In the end they decided on getting some more information about Amos Langley.

"I will visit him tomorrow in his office and see how he is acting." Scarlett announced end of the discussion.

"You will draw his attention on yourself Scar, it is not necessary. We can do it secretly."

"You don't need to worry about me, Sirius. He visited me so i will pay him a visit back, it is not suspicious at all."

"Okay then you do that Scarlett and let us know in our next meeting which will be on next Sunday at the same hour. And the others if you can get some information, it will be appreciated. The meeting ends here tonight, thanks to everyone." Said Dumbledore smiling.

Everybody started to get up to leave as soon as possible the meeting ended, there was nothing certain about the situation, but it made them all nervous. They were hoping to have peaceful years in their 50s but apparently it wasn’t happening. Scarlett said goodnight to everybody avoiding both Sirius and Severus, then put her coat and hat on before heading towards the front door. Sirius was watching her and went after her when she was about to leave. They haven’t seen each other since the night Arabelle came and it was clear Scarlett was still upset with him.

"Won't you apparate? It is very cold."

"No. I will walk, my house is not far from here." She answered without looking at him.

"I will be your company then." Sirius reached out for his coat.

"I don't want you to be my company Sirius and don't make me say it twice. I cannot deal with you tonight." Scarlett talked coldly and shut the door on his face before he could do anything.

Sirius sighed and looked at the crowd in hope nobody saw what just happened but then he noticed that Severus was watching him from afar. He frowned at Severus and walked over him rather furiously. "If you do the thing on your mind, i will kill you and won't regret. Do not go after her, don’t even get close to her!"

Severus smirked at his over-angry statement and replied calmly. "The thing that is on my mind was killing you actually, i wonder how you will kill me when you are already dead."

Sirius gritted his teeth in annoyance. "Stay away from Scar, i will say that only once. I don’t mind hurting you, if you don’t comply. You know that very well, don’t you Snivellus?"

"Once is enough for me to understand things since i am not a dunderhead like you, Black. But I don’t take commends from you, you are nothing without your gang. Pathetic…" Then he apparated which caused Sirius to draw his wand into the now empty space.

Taglist:

@snapefiction @lizlil @elizabeth-baelish @misselsbells06 @mais-e @lunnybunny12 @anfre109 @entirelymesmerising @wolvesofwinter13 @mrssnivellussnape @mestin-writes

If you wanna be on my taglist, let me know!

[11peachbunny11]

Review of Starless Sea

Overall Rating: 9/10

Quick Take: Really an ode to creative collaborative storytelling and what it means to create

Suggestion to Other Readers: DEAR GOD do not make the same mistake I did and read this all in one sitting. I had a horrible headache by the end. This book is DENSE and PACKED with symbolism so if you don’t want mega brain hurt at the end, space this one out.

Overall vibe: I very much got ‘Never Ending Story’ vibes while reading this book

Hot Take: If you hate pretentious books that are filled with flowery symbolism, this book is NOT for you. Like, if you hate philosophy (in the sense of, “why are we even here man? What’s our purpose in life???”) or, like, classical poetry (I’m very much thinking in the terms of Emily Dickinson level confusing), don’t even look at this book. BUT if your like me and you absolutely love symbolism and complex plots that confuse the fuck outta ya and give you headaches, I highly suggest this book!

The layout of this book was super funky, and was probably the main cause of my headache. The book is split up into 7 (? pretty sure) sections, each section titled after a book that is in the actual book, Starless Sea. In each section the chapters switch between the main story, Starless Sea, and parts of the book that the section is titled after. Thus, what you essentially get is the main story plot + a gagillion short stories. Oh, and all the short stories are important to the main plot and are packed with clues and symbolism. It’s. So much. There’s also, like, a b-plot and a c-plot revealed midway through the book that makes things even more confusing so you have to work hard to separate the plots and then look back at how it all fits together or else you're gonna be hella confused. 

Overall, I loved this idea! I liked reading what the characters had read (it made me feel closer to them) and seeing how the short stories connected with the main plot. And it all connects, you just have to strain your brain to see it all. Like, you're gonna need a conspiracy board for this one. 

On to characters. I actually really liked our main duo! I’d read some reviews that said they thought the Main Lead was boring, but I didn’t think he was that bad. He really never tried to run away, nor did he ever whine about the situation he was in. I understood his fervent need to figure the situation out and there was never a time I thought his actions were out of character. I think he was a very good representation of a hardcore reader. 

My favorite character was defo Dorian though, but that’s because I love gremlin characters. 

On to setting. Wow. Fantastic. Amazing. I will now be forever depressed at the fact that I will never be able to set foot on a Harbor. Like. uuuggghhh. Erin Morgenstern’s biggest strength is her ability to set the scene and atmosphere. Like, if you’ve read Night Circus (which I highly recommend if you haven’t yet) you KNOW what I’m talking about. She pulls the same magical shit in this book as well. 

Now. Romance. I feel like the romance between the main couple in this book wasn’t as well done as Night Circus, but I also feel that romance wasn’t the main point of this story, so I’m willing to forgive a little, especially since there is so much other stuff going on in this book. 

Overall, this book was a thank you letter to readers and creators. It was about what it means to make something, and what makes that something magical. It was about love, in all it’s different forms. 

If you’ve been actively looking for something that’ll hurt your head I highly suggest this one!     

[crossdressingdeath]

I love helping other people procrastinate! What’s your “canon” DA playthrough? Like protags for all three games, their LIs, etc? (Sorry if you already detailed this somewhere else, new follower lol.)

You know, I don't think I ever have gone through it. So just some basics:

Origins and Awakening: Tahel Surana, blood mage/arcane warrior/battlemage (in case you were wondering his constitution always ends up hysterically high, usually higher than most of the warriors in the group. I believe my record is 91 con?). Romanced Zevran because I cannot resist him. He is having the best time of all my protags, he is a baby freshly-Harrowed mage and now he gets to leave the Circle and never go back? Aside from the whole Blight thing this is the best year of his life! Although he's very confused by all this outside stuff and would like the others to stop expecting him to know things. Please, he hasn't gone outside in like five years, he's struggling enough with things like getting rained on, stop putting all these decisions on his head. In terms of major choices he saved the Circle, used lyrium to help Connor, broke the werewolf curse, put Bhelen on the throne of Orzammar, spared Loghain, did the ritual to survive killing the Archdemon, and put Alistair and Anora on the throne. He then improved slightly at leadership as Warden-Commander, where he saved the Vigil and allied with the Architect, and has not heard the end of it from either the Amaranthine nobles or the Warden higher-ups ever since.

2: Garrett Hawke, force mage. He romanced Fenris, because even though I keep meaning to romance Anders Gideon Emery's sexy, sexy voice acting gets me every time. Purple/blue Hawke, with which one ends up as his active personality changing run to run. Kirkwall is very stressful but it's his city so he deals with it, largely through snark. He is going to get his friends through all this absolute nonsense if it kills him, Maker help him (it might kill him, why are these people always getting into so much trouble). Sided with the mages at every opportunity of course, and also made Carver a Grey Warden because it's a thousand times better than the alternative. Cullen only survives this game because Hawke isn't allowed to stab him and Varric's story is basically 90% Varric scrambling to talk his way around all the incredibly illegal stuff that Hawke did in order to further the mages' cause.

Inquisition: Alaris Lavellan, rift mage (he would be a blood mage but Bioware rudely didn't allow that in DAI so that's not in gameplay), He Of The Ever-Changing Name. I'll pick one and stick with it one of these days, but basically if you see me talking about a male mage Lavellan (or... really just any male Lavellan) it's probably this guy. Romanced... well I alternate between Bull and Dorian, but in my heart they're in a polycule. The living embodiment of "Can I please go home now". If he didn't think the Inquisition would fully have him murdered if he left he probably would've gone back to his clan basically the first chance he got. Has reached the point where if someone tried to assassinate him he might just let them, but on the bright side he's learning so much about how other people live, which is nice except for how they keep shitting on his people. May or may not be slightly possessed by a Dalish god, but that's not important. As for choices, he allied with the mages, put Briala in charge of Orlais, kept the Wardens in Orlais (he wouldn't have forced them to help the Inquisition if he'd had that option, but apparently he's not allowed to just refuse to judge the organization that is in no way under the Inquisition's jurisdiction), sided with the ancient elves, drank from the Well, made Leliana Divine, disbanded the Inquisition the first chance he got and intends to save Solas from his own idiocy. Also, absolutely has a super cool prosthetic made of Fade rocks.

So, there we go! Probably the most information on my canon DA run I've put out at once. Know that they're all Doing Their Best and I love them.

[dgcatanisiri]

So... something kinda hit me abruptly and pushed me to feeling about ready to snap, so... Have a word vomit. Kinda feels like a greatest hits compilation of  my “another angry queer rant” tag, but I need to get it out, so...

I know I’ve been over plenty about how I don’t feel represented even when I have something with gay representation. How I’d give dozens of Dorians and Iron Bulls to get even one run of Inquisition that properly has my male Inquisitor romance Cullen. How when I look at Mass Effect - this franchise that I love - I can only see how much it hates me for being a gay man who dares to seek content for me. How godawful it is that Gil’s story, a story that is explicitly a story centered on a gay man and the difficulties he faces BECAUSE of being gay, was written by a straight person who ABSOLUTELY does not GET. IT. And how fandom as an entity sucks, because so often it feels like the attitude of the people in it comes across as telling me that my desire to be represented in my media somehow comes in second to celebrating the advances solely for women, that my needs as a queer MAN (the emphasis usually theirs) are less important, because I can still see myself AS A MAN in other characters throughout media.

But... That doesn’t change the fact that this is a very real, very tangible THING for me to grapple with. And sometimes it feels like no one ever, EVER talks about this.

I mean, my go-to example is that after Inquisition dropped, you could not say A WORD in criticism of Dorian without people jumping down your throat, chomping at the bit to call you a homophobe for it. No matter what reason - but ESPECIALLY if you thought he was “too stereotypical” - you got hit with that label. Even if you were gay yourself, it was just your “internalized homophobia” that made you dislike him, or even being biased against the people who genuinely do lean in to the stereotypes, don’t they deserve representation too?!

Well, yeah. It’s not like I was saying they don’t. But that it’s a stereotype means it’s often still in media, still often THERE. It’s not always good representation, but it’s something. Meanwhile for those of us who AREN’T? It just meant further exclusion from the narratives. A continuation of our invisibility.

And sure, one queer character cannot represent every queer person, one individual who embodies one letter of the alphabet soup cannot be everything to everyone under that individual label. But, again, it still means that I don’t get to see myself.

If media representation is a life preserver, then I’m getting pulled out to sea while the lifeguards are busy with people who are closer to them than I am. Which, you can call it triage, cast the widest net to hope to get the most people, but when you’re one of those who are not even able to grab on to the net and use it to pull yourself closer, it’s not helping. And, because they’re focused on those who have grabbed on to the net, your struggle continues to be ignored.

Worse, sometimes they aren’t factoring you in the net they’re throwing (yes, I’m aware my metaphor is getting increasingly strained, just work with me here) because they think you’re not in the trouble they think others are - if you can “pass” as cishet, if you can exist without actively fearing for your safety, if you are the kind of person who can walk down the street and not expect to be harassed because you “present” gay, then you’re not as in need as those people who can’t, who are going to be threatened for existing while visibly queer.

But the truth is that you’re still suffering. I’m not gonna get in to the whole oppression Olympics nature of it all, but there is an element that those of us who “pass” as being “straight-acting” (and, for the record, I think these terms are bogus and bullshit, but I’m using them for the sake of simplicity in getting my message across, because I’m stream of consciousnessing this post instead of going to bed so you’re getting babble and word vomit so that this isn’t playing on a loop as I try and sleep) suffer that... I’m not going to say that it makes it worse, but it does have this level of SOMETHING that is a unique pain that you aren’t going to find from the people who are visibly and noticeably queer at a glance - it’s not just isolation, because this is something that you end up not talking about because no one around you realizes that you are queer, but also this voice in the back of your mind that starts questioning “are you REALLY queer? Are you queer ENOUGH?”

And that’s why it hurts that little bit more, is that much more a twist of the knife, when I see these people who push the “joke” of like “why did they even HAVE male Shepard?” or “the only way to play is as Kassandra.” Because it does reinforce this idea - that there is this attitude of this thing, this character that I was seeing as representation doesn’t matter. So that I take strength in that character, well, that’s just me latching on to REPRESENTATION AS A MAN, and we’re not here to protect your fragile masculine ego.

When all I’m looking for is a queer man like I am.

And sometimes, I don’t even feel like the other queer men I can look to get it. Like, there was that time about a year ago that I looked up issues of queer men in video games, and the three videos I found all got an “...and NOPE!” reaction from me - the first argued in math about how “queer people are a small portion of the population, we can’t realistically expect to be represented equally,” even though we’re talking about FICTION, which is, by definition, NOT reality, the second was clearly a cishet who compared not being represented as a queer person to not being represented as a Swedish person, and then a third who first had a thumbnail on a video of “good and bad representation” and Kaidan was the example of bad (so a negative mark against this video to begin with, but I was desperate), only to lead with Dorian as a good example, which... *vague motion above and at the “dorian critical” tag* I staunchly disagree with this stance.

Like... I have to struggle to think of who my role models in being a queer man are. It’s not just who fits my story, but who do I look up to, who inspires me. And, admittedly, the luster for any personal hero seems to inevitable wear off at this point, I’m in my early thirties, and most of the media I consume will have characters who are my age or younger PERIOD, so my queer heroes would have to be people I’d consider either peers or even someone who I am older than...

But then, that’s kinda the thing about being queer period - we lost a generation to AIDS, and for those who followed that generation, we’ve had to live in this world where our heroes don’t exist like us, while trying to pave the way for those who come after us, and who can’t conceive of what it is like to age - as in “go from adulthood to middle age to elder,” not just the matter of growing up from childhood to adulthood - and so even as they’re the one who we want to give all of this to... It still means we suffer because no one is there to offer US that hand.

And yet, try to explain this to media creators, and you get ignored or even shut down. Like, I about a year ago, I directly replied to tweet from Patrick Weekes, explaining how Inquisition failed me, how all bi LIs actually HELP me feel more represented as a queer person than the mix of sexualities that BioWare on the whole has said that they intend to do (re: the difference of LIs in DA2 and Dragon Age Inquisition). It got no response, not even a like to indicate that it’d been read by them. I could form in my head the response I’d have inevitably gotten from David Gaider when he still had an active Tumblr of what would amount to, nicest, “we cannot please everyone, enough people were moved by Dorian’s story to make it worthwhile, sorry.” Given some of my cynicism, I can’t help but believe that it would also have come with a “sorry you feel that way.” Particularly considering some of the comments he’s made about Cullen and Kaidan as LIs, both of whom being characters I connect to more than others in their respective games...

And like... Gaider is a gay man. Weekes is nonbinary. But they are from that generation who view being able to exist openly as queer as a revolutionary statement, which... It’s a statement I want to make, sure, but it’s not a revolutionary one to me - “existence” is the bare minimum. To me, focusing on existence as a queer person is to say that the queer character must justify existing as queer in order to be a part of the narrative. But what is revolutionary to me is to give the queer person a story in the narrative that has NOTHING to do with their queerness.

Like... Fantasy world here, Inquisition drops with Cullen and Cassandra as same-sex exclusive LIs, while every other aspect of their stories are the same. Women can’t romance Cullen, Men can’t romance Cassandra. Other than that, we have Cullen with his addiction/redemption arc and Cassandra not just struggling with her faith but even getting the chance to be Divine. Yes, fandom would FLIP. THE FUCK. OUT. But here’s what it says - the things that these characters go through in the course of the game are not defined by their sexuality. Hell, with these characters specifically, you get characters with MASSIVE relevance to queer stories that AREN’T exclusive to being queer - addiction is a real issue in queer communities, given how many of our safe spaces are bars or clubs, places where alcohol (and thus alcohol abuse) is easily obtained, and, by extension, drugs as well. Meanwhile, there are SCORES of queer people who struggle with the question of faith in the wake of their queerness manifesting.

THAT is revolutionary. To take these stories that straight people get all the time, that certainly have meaning as queer stories for the queer audience... And yet, when they go to these (hypothetically) queer characters, it has that subtext without making the story ABOUT their queerness, while still making it clear that, in this version of things, they are queer - players couldn’t pretend that it’s only in some parallel universe that they are queer, they would only be attracted to the same sex PC. THAT is revolutionary.

Or, y’know, take it back beyond BioWare for a little bit here - all the characters I feel the most connection to emotionally in TV shows are straight. All these men who are my role models only ever get shown being involved with women. At most, they’ll get queerbaited as MAYBE being queer, if you just keep watching! Inevitably, of course, they are not queer by the end of the show - the closest to date is the debacle that is Supernatural.

Yeah, there’s representation for ya.

And then there are those who end up looking at what I see as thoroughly inadequate and... They’re happy. They praise it. They look at this thing that hurts me, that excludes me, that can, when I’m in the bad headspaces, even make me question myself... And they have found something they like with it.

Which, for the record, good for them, genuinely and sincerely, I really am glad that someone is getting something out of this, but... Well, see above: life preserver, isolation, “sorry you feel that way.” Everyone else is getting what they needed, but what about me? When does my representation get to appear? Why am I always being left, scrounging for the scraps of the scraps? Why does other peoples’ representation always seem to get shoved to the front of the line, leaving me languishing in the back.

That’s the real thing about all of those lines of “if you don’t like it, go make your own!” At this point, even if I did manage to get something in my to-write folder cleaned up and ready to go, in reality... How am I supposed to feel like anyone other than me WOULD proceed to read it? That the audience would exist? Because... no one seems to care about this audience. Hell, how would I get anyone to publish it if it is only going to appeal to me?

I feel on the margins of the margins, where no one really cares. Hell, even here in my own blog, I feel afraid of backlash - I’ve had the assholes show up in response to like little brief comments that are off-the-cuff rambles, not worded in a way that makes them a full, detailed accounting, and either take them as evidence that I, personally, represent all that is wrong with fandom at large, or that I am a target for their trolling. Because saying that “I find the jokes about male Shepard not mattering to be diminishing of me as a queer person, can we please stop this?” is somehow not just lesbophobic, but VIOLENTLY lesbophobic. Or that saying that I don’t care that bad things happen to a fictional species is somehow advocating for violence against actual women. Or even explicitly calling out BioWare for lovingly lingering the camera on Miranda’s ass is slutshaming her. And of course, there are the assholes who responded to me saying on the BioWare Twitter announcement post for the Legendary Edition that, if it didn’t have a full trilogy male Shepard/Kaidan romance, I wasn’t buying it, and proceeded to a) call me entitled for it (like, read a dictionary, the very fact that I have to call for this content that doesn’t exist in the game proper is the OPPOSITE of entitlement...), b) tell me that I “shouldn’t deny [myself] a great story just because it doesn’t have gay people in it” and c) just generally be homophobic. Even in rolling with it on the basis of “the trolls are gonna show up period if you make it clear that you care about something, especially if you are trying to get representation for some group that is in the minority... It gets exhausting. It can be harmful. It makes it clear that you’re not welcome, even when you’re supposedly united by the fact that you and these people supposedly love the same piece of media.

I mean, among those examples, I’ve given the statements that inspired those responses no tags other than my own organizational tags, but SOMEHOW they find me anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I got accused of like being another White Gay™ with this post, that I simply want to center the conversation wholly on myself at the expense of all other intersections of queerness and other identities or something for saying all of this, even though this is, and it says so from the start, a vent post, which, by definition, is centered on myself because it’s about me and my experiences and emotions. *sigh*

Anyway...

And, y’know, when BioWare actively refuses to even ACKNOWLEDGE that the absence of a full trilogy M/M romance option is a bad thing, it just ends up saying that the trolls are actually the audience they��re willing to court. That Supernatural ending with a brothers only focus that doesn’t even allow Cas to be mentioned other than offhandedly while suppressing ANY kind of emotional fallout to his admission of love says that they don’t care about the queer people who at the very least the actor was trying to be respectful and representative of. That every piece of media that says that to have a queer person in it, their presence must be explained and justified is saying that there needs to be a REASON for queerness, a reason that is not “because people are queer, and queer people come in as many stripes as cishet people, and so media should reflect that spectrum just as much.”

Even when the numbers of queer characters in media goes up, it doesn’t really move the needle. And that’s not even getting to the difficulties when you are any mix-and-match combo under the queer umbrella, or any other identity that intersects to marginalize someone in our society. It just...

Y’know, it doesn’t feel like “it gets better.” Rather it just feels like being stuck in position, just with a changing backdrop. Sure, things look different by the end of the day, but that doesn’t change that you’re not getting anywhere.

[heartslogos]

newfragile yellows [997]

Bull points a finger at Dorian, "This better be good. If it isn’t good I’m going to kick your ass straight back to Tevinter and this time I don’t think anyone is going to stop me.”

“Trust me, the last thing I want to do is crash your romantic night with Ellana," Dorian raises his hands in defense though he’s scowling fiercely the entire time, “But it’s important. Orders from higher up. The Qun is beyond such petty and savage measures as killing the messenger isn’t it?”

“You’re on the thinnest possible ice,” Bull replies, opening the door a little wider for Dorian to pass through. “You’re lucky that Ellana likes you.”

“I’d say the same to you,” Dorian replies, “But that seems like a disservice to the concept of luck and fortune. Where is she, anyway?”

“I told Krem and Trevelyan to distract her so I could finish setting up. Sucks that you’re the one seeing it and not her right now.”

Dorian looks around the entryway to the Iron Bull and Ellana’s home.

“I see nothing different.”

“Yeah, you don’t live here, how’d you know?” Bull retorts. “Anyway what’s so important that I’m getting dispatch orders on the night of my wedding anniversary?”

“To be fair, most of us who do know that you’re married only found out about it a few weeks ago. Most of the world things you’re both still on the market. More you than her, I suppose. Ellana doesn’t really give off the available vibe. She gives a straight to shared bank accounts and retirement plans vibe. No actual marriage required.”

“You think about my wife and shared retirement plans frequently, Pavus?”

“Would you attempt to be civil for five minutes so I can give you your dispatch orders? Fasta vass, I should have faked some kind of aphasia when they handed these to me.”

“While you’re at it explain that too. Why are you playing messenger and not one of our literal messengers?”

“They would have sent it via normal means, except everyone knows that tonight you’ll be ignoring all calls and messages, and if you didn’t get a physical copy of the dispatch orders you’d fake not knowing. And you wouldn’t accept any dispatch orders from any of our regular rank and file, it’d have to be from someone you’d be willing to talk to.”

“And looking at that criteria how the fuck did they wind up with you? The only reason I opened the door for you to start with was because you’re a stubborn bastard, and if Ellana came home to find you standing outside our door my entire evening goes in the garbage. If I thought I could get away with knocking you out and throwing you over the fence for someone else to deal with I would.”

Dorian makes a face of utter disgust. “I don’t know what she sees in you. It’s not even physical attraction — I could make my peace with that. But it’s not even that.”

“Likewise, Pavus. Get on with it.”

“I suspect everyone else they could have asked had some sort of preternatural sense to realize they needed to be as far away from the command post as possible in order to avoid some sort of imminent danger. Unlucky for me, I was just coming out of a briefing regarding research development in artificial tissue repair for one of the side teams. De Fer was there. Chances are she’d have been a good choice are well, but it’s de Fer. She handily dazzled everyone with a few words and was gone before anyone could even consider her as someone who would be able to give you your marching orders on this auspicious night without consequences.”

He’s right. If it was de Fer at the door Bull would already be packed and ready to go. He wouldn’t even be second guessing it.

Bull turns to look at the framed photograph hanging on the wall next to the stairs. It’s only a four by six, and the frame was cheap. But it’s the nicest photo from their wedding day and Bull had been excited for Ellana to walk in, notice all of their photo frames in the house rearranged out of order, and then go on a dogged room by room sweep to figure out why they frames have all switched places.

It was going to be a whole thing. He’d put in decoys and everything.

“I’m waiting for Ellana to get home before I accept those orders,” Bull says.

“I figured as much,” Dorian replies, waving the brown envelope at him. “Can I put these on a table and leave? Or do I have to stand here and make sure you actually do it?”

Bull glares.

“You don’t lie to Ellana, but you’ll lie to me in a heartbeat,” Dorian points out, “And as the person in charge of delivering these, it’s on me if you don’t follow through. Get mad at yourself for being so hyper competent that no one could figure out someone else to do this, if you must be mad at all. It’s business.”

“It’s bullshit.”

Bull checks his phone.

“She’s on her way. Fine. Stay. But go out back. I don’t want her walking in here on our anniversary and the first thing she sees is you.”

Dorian rolls his eyes, “I’ll go next door. It’s charming how none of the Chargers ever think to lock the door. Is it because they think they can handle anything? Or is it because they’re getting sloppy now that they’re in long term contracts?”

“Ask them, I’ve been telling them to get on that shit for ages,” Bull replies, practically sweeping Dorian back out of the house. “Go ahead, crash their places. That’ll teach them a lesson. If they don’t lock their doors they get annoying Tevinter researchers poking around their things.”

“As if one of the wasn’t also Tevene.”

“He’s annoying but he’s not you.”

Dorian swears under his breath, “Absolutely insufferable. The only redeeming feature you have is that Ellana — baffling enough — adores you.”

“Right back at you,” Bull says, immediately closing and locking the door the second Dorian clears the doorframe.

He turns around and looks at the now empty house, mind regretfully packing away all of the plans he’d had. He walks up the first couple stairs so he’s eye level with the small photograph again.

“Well,” Bull gently touches the edges of the frame, “I guess I’ll tell Mahanon to tape her reaction for me or something. Fuck.”