#it's really negative so i decided to not write down the whole thing

[egcdeath]

off the beaten path

pairing: patrick zweig x reader

summary: what could go wrong with a non-refundable honeymoon and a broken engagement?

warnings: MATURE (mentions of sex but no sex scenes), exes to lovers, idiots to lovers angst, fluff, there was only one bed MULTIPLE times, jealousy!! (like a lot), slow burn, no use of y/n, so much use of the word fuck, a little toxicity, some facts about landmarks are inaccurate for the plot, lots of arguing and making up, miscommunication, seasickness, patrick & reader kinda have no social awareness, a lot of hotels and buses, alcohol, hurt/comfort, happy ending.

word count: 18.4k

author’s note: this was so much longer than i expected it to be, but i loved writing it so so much and i'm gonna be sad to see this pairing go! also, a special thank you to the tour website whose itinerary i used for their trip. i hope you enjoy!

JFK AIRPORT

You scrolled endlessly on your phone as you sat at your gate, trying your hardest to fight off the combination of sleepiness and anxiety that had been slowly creeping up on you for the past hour.  

You should be happy—excited to spend the next month of your life traveling throughout Europe on the trip that you had dreamt about since you were a child. Instead, you were filled with dread at the prospect of your quickly approaching trip, leaving your leg bouncing and your eyes flitting between the device in your hands and the entrance of the gate, anxiously anticipating the arrival of a man that you really really did not want to see. 

Once it was announced that first class was boarding, you quickly hopped out of your uncomfortable seat, hoping that if you boarded quick enough, you might be able to miss your unwanted companion. As you stood in line, you tried your best to be casual about your endlessly swiveling head and wondered if it was too late to simply call the whole thing off. 

Boarding had gone smoothly enough, and as you settled into your seat, you still hadn’t seen any sign of your former fiancé. For a second, a spark of hope lit up in you. Maybe you’d get to experience Europe without that pest in your ear after all. Maybe you could even arrange a friend to come fly out and be with you for a few days, or find someone to have a romantic summer fling with. 

But just as soon as your hope arrived, it departed with the sound of a familiar voice walking down the aisle and directly towards you.

“They wouldn’t let me switch my seat.”

You couldn’t believe that those were the choice of words the man you’d intended to spend the rest of your life with had decided to start with. After months of radio silence. No apologies, no awkward small talk, no sugar-coated words about your situation, just a complaint about the conditions the two of you would be in for the next eight hours. Classic Patrick. 

“That’s too bad,” you replied, already annoyed by his presence. You had underestimated how much of a challenge this trip was going to be, solely based on the speed at which your negative feelings had come to the surface. 

“Yeah, no shit,” he muttered under his own breath, putting some luggage into the overhead bin above your seats. 

“You’re the one who insisted we still go,” you argued, not wanting him to get the last word—even if his last words were meant to be a snarky comment to himself more than anything else. 

“The hotels, tours, and all the other tickets were non-refundable!” he argued right back to you. 

“So?” you shot back like a petulant child. 

“So I didn’t want to waste your money.”

“Oh, how considerate,” you scoffed sarcastically before beginning once more. “You’re rich! You don’t even have to be here!” 

“Just because my family is comfortable doesn’t mean I want to waste my money.”

You openly rolled your eyes at his words. Comfortable was the understatement of the century. “So you didn’t actually want to waste my money. You didn’t want to waste your own.”

“Why can’t it be both?” he asked, sounding exasperated by your line of thinking. You hated when he did that. You kind of hated most things he did now. Maybe you just hated him. 

“I never said it can’t be both, I just think you should stop trying to act like you’re so charitable for doing me a favor. As if our relationship wasn’t filled with me doing you favors.”

“Do you really want to be having this conversation right now?” he asked. 

“Sorry, you’re right. We have the next thirty-five days to talk about it.”

The two of you sighed in a synchronized breath at the mention of the amount of time you had to spend together. You hated that the two of you were still in rhythm after everything you’d been through. Or maybe you just hated Patrick. 

“Who plans a thirty-five day honeymoon anyway?” he huffed. 

“Us, apparently. I mean, you were all for it, what? A few months ago?”

“Only because you wanted it.

“Oh, how could I forget. The ever-charitable Patrick Zweig. Taking a month-long break from hitting balls to be with me. I’m forever in your debt,” you mocked with a dramatic hand to your forehead. “At this rate, you’re gonna send me a list of all of the nice things you’ve ever done for me. What do you want me to say? Thank you for doing the bare minimum as a boyfriend?”

“Fiancé,” he corrected you, earning a very nasty side eye from you in the process of doing so. 

You were beginning to get dirty looks from your fellow first class passengers, which temporarily shut the both of you up. It was never a good idea to piss off people on a plane. You didn’t want to end up on the no-fly list just because you couldn’t bite your tongue around your ex. 

“Remember when you said we could still be friends after this?” Patrick spoke once more after your moment of silence. 

“Of course I remember, but you stopped that from happening when you…” your voice trailed off as you made eye contact with a very displeased looking middle aged woman “Whatever. Let’s just… try to get through this flight. And try not to make any more of a scene.”

“Fine,” he replied, shrugging in your peripheral vision. 

“Fine,” you said back, not wanting him to have the last word.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“That thing where you think you win every argument just because you said the last thing.”

“I’m not doing that,” you lied. “You think you know me so well.”

A familiar agitated smile broke out on his face, something that you unfortunately missed seeing. “I do know you well, though. I see right through you.”

“You actually don’t, though.”

“I do,” he insisted, the smirk creeping onto his face telling you that he knew you were actively proving his point. 

“Not really,” you dismissed and attempted to casually pull the headphones that were currently sitting on your neck up to cover your ears. You were always grateful to have noise-canceling headphones when you were traveling, but they were coming particularly in handy for you to win this argument. You tried to hide your self-satisfied smirk as you pressed play on your phone, but you could instantly tell that you were failing. 

When you looked back up, Patrick was clearly saying words to you that you weren’t able to hear. Knowing him, he was probably saying something along the lines of, “Real mature.” 

The truth was that he wanted the last word more than you did–which made it particularly rewarding when you gestured to your headphones before throwing your hands out in a shrug to indicate to him that you couldn’t hear him.

Your vacation was already off to a chaotic start. You couldn’t help but fear what the next thirty-five days would be like. 

BARCELONA, SPAIN

Despite the flight only being eight hours long, you were absolutely exhausted by the time that you checked into your hotel room. So exhausted that you failed to remember to request to switch rooms to one with two beds rather than one.

This predicament only came to the forefront of your mind once you and Patrick had already swiped into the room, suitcases lying on the floor and one king-sized mattress presented in front of you. 

“Should I go back down to the front desk?” he asked as he looked from you to the bed. 

“I’m too tired to get a new room,” you replied. You could handle one night next to your ex. You’d slept in a bed together for years. Granted, during those years you were also sleeping together, but this wasn’t all that different. 

“Fine. Don’t complain if I hog blankets, then.”

“Fine,” you replied. “Just stay on your side of the bed.”

You shucked your backpack from your shoulders and walked over to what was typically the side of the bed where you slept when the two of you had been a couple. Not wasting any time to get ready for bed, you began to take off your clothes and search for your pajamas. Once you glanced over your shoulder, you were quite displeased to find Patrick rather openly ogling at you. 

“Stop looking at me,” you demanded.

“What? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” He said with a smirk. 

“You’re such a creep,” you muttered, throwing on an old shirt and crawling into bed. 

As you laid in bed and texted your friends and family that you’d arrived at your hotel safely, you took a peek of your own at your former partner as he got ready for bed. He seemed to be going with his classic bedtime attire of just boxers. Bold move. 

Your eyes were momentarily stuck on his abs and enticing happy trail. You’d planned your trip during Patrick’s off season while he was training for his upcoming season, so you were pleasantly unsurprised that he was in such good shape. Your breath caught for a second as you thought about the rest of him, and you desperately tried to repress the low, fiery feeling rising in your stomach. 

“And I’m the creep?” he asked with a laugh, pulling you away from your objectification as he got into bed next to you. 

“Yeah,” you replied, as if you hadn’t just given him the same treatment he’d given you. 

“Well… like what you see?”

You scoffed at his audacity, though you did like what you saw. “I’m not fucking you. Goodnight.”

You hit the light on your nightstand and you swore you heard a quiet sound of disappointment come from Patrick. Bastard.

You turned your back to him and closed your eyes, finding that sleep took you under surprisingly easily.

When you woke up in the morning, you were greeted by a far too familiar feeling. Despite your request for Patrick to stay on his side of the bed, the slow, steady breaths being breathed into your ear and the solid wall of body behind you indicated that he had not only traveled into your space over the course of the night, but was actively spooning you. 

You were shocked to find that you didn’t necessarily mind it. Yes, you were mad at Patrick for everything that had gone down between you, and because he was such a pain in the ass, but you also hadn’t realized just how much you missed being held. Particularly, how much you missed being held by him. 

The more alert you became, the more you realized that you couldn’t really move. Despite that, you found that you didn’t really want to move. Sure, you were beginning to get uncomfortably hot, and yes, you could feel Patrick’s morning wood pressing against your ass, but none of it was particularly unpleasant. 

Part of you wondered if your trip would go differently than you expected. Regardless of how you acted towards one another, you clearly both missed each other. 

Your shrill phone alarm suddenly went off, startling Patrick awake behind you. 

“Mmm, fuck, sorry,” he sleepily slurred as he rolled away from you. You turned over to look at his tired face, eyes still lidded and speckled face looking far softer than you remembered. 

Out of the blue, he opened his eyes, catching you in the act of looking at him with barely-concealed affection. Before he could make some sort of snarky comment, he shot out of bed, adjusted his boxers, and made an urgent beeline towards the bathroom. All of which would’ve been far funnier if his actions hadn’t been disrupted by the loud message ping of his cellphone. 

You weighed out your options. You were curious about what was waiting for him on his phone, but you weren’t sure that you’d have time to properly snoop. As if the universe was listening to your thoughts, the sound of the shower began, telling you that you had all the time that you needed to do some adequate investigation. 

You wondered who was texting Patrick so early in the morning. Knowing him, it was probably his mother, checking in to make sure he made it to his destination safely. You were sure that whatever message she left would also be inquiring about you. She’d always had a bit of a soft spot for you, especially compared to some of the other people that Patrick had brought home. That, of course, was an observation shared to you from Patrick, so you couldn’t be sure how much of it was flattery compared to truth. 

Regardless, her fondness for you had carried into the end of your relationship, with her occasionally messaging or calling you to make sure that you were still doing well, and more importantly, to check in on the status of your relationship. 

Much like you and your friends, she’d been holding out hope that your relationship may repair itself. With you and Patrick being as passionate as the two of you were, you were no strangers to seemingly serious arguments that resolved themselves in a matter of days. While calling off a wedding was far more drastic than any of your other disputes had been, after being together for years, it was hard to imagine a world where the two of you weren’t a couple. 

But his call never came. You didn’t hear an apology or explanation or even an excuse from Patrick—just a suggestion of when you should pick up the items you’d left at his place.

You hated to admit it, but there was a naïve part of you that was still holding out hope that this trip would be exactly what you needed to reconcile. And maybe that naïeve part of you was less delusional than you might’ve originally thought. Surely cuddling into the morning and Patrick’s poorly hidden morning wood were signs that this vacation was already going in the right direction. Maybe being in such close proximity was exactly the push you needed to get your relationship back on track. 

After a halfhearted internal debate, you grabbed his phone from the night stand on his side of the bed. Attempting the passcode he’d been using while you were together—the digits of your birthday—you were pleased to find that the password hadn’t changed and that you were granted access into his phone. What you weren’t expecting to see was Tinder on the homepage of his cracked device. 

You paused for a moment and attempted to reason with yourself. Your former fiancé probably didn’t even use the app. He’d likely been pressured by his rebound-obsessed friends to download it, and hadn’t even opened the app since setting up his profile. Besides, you didn’t get on his phone to see what new apps he’d downloaded, you were snooping to see what his mom had to say about you. 

When you opened his messages app, your mouth promptly fell open in shock. Patrick had always been loyal to you—at least to your knowledge—while the two of you were together. Seeing him be so openly flirtatious and suggestive with an attractive woman that you hadn’t ever heard of was more than jarring. 

Your stomach churned as you scrolled through the conversation, flirty messages and images from both sides that left little to the imagination disturbing you in a way that you hadn’t ever realized was possible. 

In the midst of your distraught state, you nearly missed the background noise of the shower coming to a halt, informing you that your time snooping had come to an end. 

You set his phone back down where you’d found it and desperately tried to push down the bile in your throat that was tasting more and more like jealousy and anger by the second. 

You knew it was irrational for you to be feeling this way, considering that the two of you had been broken up for a few months. Nothing legally or morally tied the two of you together anymore, but that didn’t make you feel any less unsettled by what you’d just seen. 

It was just that… you weren’t sure you’d ever be able to fully move on from Patrick. He’d been part of your life for so long, and the way things ended had been so abrupt that it almost didn’t feel real. Even if you did move on, it was going to take you more than three months to do so. It wasn’t fair that Patrick’s name seemed to pop up every week in your therapy sessions, while he was sending pictures of himself in gray sweatpants to random hot women. 

You wanted to shrink into the mattress and never come back up. You wanted to yell at Patrick the moment he stepped out of the bathroom. You wanted to turn on your side and wail dramatically, at least until all of your big feelings felt a little smaller. 

But you were in Europe on vacation. You were on vacation, damnit, and you weren’t going to let one mildly disturbing text thread ruin your entire experience. Better yet, if Patrick was already moving on, there was no reason that you shouldn’t do the same.

You told yourself this as you rolled out of bed and dug in your suitcase, pulling out a sundress that had driven Patrick wild in the past. While you may have packed it with less than realistic expectations, your goal was far more grounded now. 

Both of you could play this game. 

You stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed after a shower of your own and instantly registered the almost cartoonish look he was giving you. You guessed that some things never changed, even when the two of you had decided to actively pursue other people. 

“The tour guide said to meet in the lobby soon, so I’m gonna head down,” you explained, not giving him a second look as you began to search for your purse. 

“The tour doesn’t start for another half hour?” he replied, sitting up from where he was laying on the bed. 

“Well I wanna socialize with the people we’re gonna be traveling through Europe with,” you said a little snappily, still a little perturbed about what you’d found on his phone earlier. You conveniently left out the fact that you wanted to scope out any potential summer flings. 

“I’ll come with you,” he insisted.

“You really don’t have to. Remember, this isn’t actually a honeymoon,” you slipped on some comfortable shoes and headed to the door. “I’ll see you around.”

You were probably being far more rude than you really needed to be, but your anger had only intensified as you showered and put on makeup. At this point, you were fully pissed—even if you didn’t have the right to be. 

You made small talk with the people you met in the lobby as they began to filter into the room, and tried your absolute best to dispel the anger that was flowing through your veins. That proved harder than you anticipated, as Patrick was one of the last people to join you all in the lobby, and for the life of you, you couldn’t stop imagining him sitting in your shared hotel room and sexting his mystery girl. 

Luckily, you couldn’t dwell on that ugly thought for too long, as your tour began soon after. Your friendly guide took your group around the city, explaining rather riveting information about the landmarks you visited and the city itself.

After being dismissed for a quick break, you found yourself sitting on a bench and chatting with a man in your group. He wasn’t really your type, but he was extremely conventionally attractive, and from the peripheral glances you caught of Patrick, you could tell that he wasn’t exactly pleased with what was going on.

While making him jealous, or annoyed, or whatever it was that he was feeling, wasn’t your expressed goal, it did feel nice to give him a taste of his own medicine. What felt less nice was glancing over and catching him typing on his phone furiously. You could only imagine whose boobs were on the other end of the line. 

Reacting out of a bit of desperation and frustration, you began to play things up. You leaned over more to show off more cleavage, laughed a little harder at jokes that weren’t all that funny, and set a scandalous hand on his arm. You were determined to have that vacation fling now, and you were going to get it by any means necessary. 

You laid it on thick for the rest of the afternoon, sitting next to him during lunch and flirting casually with him as your group walked through Park Güell. 

You wondered if he noticed you throwing glances in Patrick’s direction after every interaction. You hoped that he didn’t. 

It felt good to be getting even with Patrick—but not as good as you expected it to feel. The realization sunk in as a portion of your group visited a bar that was apparently very popular with the locals. Or at least, that’s what a very handsome man purred into your ear after sitting down next to you at the bar.

You’d been keeping an eye on Patrick as he socialized with a couple that he’d been talking to for the majority of your day, but you almost instantly lost track of him as you became consumed with this handsome stranger. 

Everything happened in a bit of a blur—one moment you’d been nursing a Marianito, and the next you were holding the hand of a man whose name you couldn’t remember as he led you to his apartment. 

By the time you’d left his apartment, you were nothing short of a mess. You were pretty sure that the only way you could’ve been more obvious about what had just happened to you was if you had the words “JUST HAD SEX” written across your forehead—and with the way the people in your hotel elevator were looking at you, you couldn’t be completely sure that those words weren’t on your face. 

You made it back to your room safely, quietly opening the door and doing your best not to make too much noise, since at this hour, Patrick was surely asleep. 

It did feel weird to be going back to his bed less than an hour after you’d been with another man, but you couldn’t necessarily say you felt bad. Patrick had started it, and you simply finished it off. If he didn’t have any issues with seeing other people, there was no reason for you to have an issue with it either. 

Your efforts to be quiet had proved themselves to be for naught, as Patrick was very clearly wide awake, sitting up in bed and already looking at you disapprovingly. 

You weren’t sure what possessed you to speak, rather than ignoring his presence and heading straight to the shower, but your mouth was open before you could stop yourself. 

“Were you just gonna wait here until I got back, like I’m a kid who just snuck out or something?” you asked in disbelief, partially annoyed because of his action, but more ashamed to have been caught in such a state. It couldn’t have been more obvious to Patrick what you’d just done, considering that he’d seen you in a similar state hundreds of times. 

“Baby, we are on a whole different, unfamiliar continent,” his tone was condescending and cold and it made you want to crawl out of your skin. “Why wouldn’t I wait to make sure you got back safely?”

“Don’t call me pet names. And I would’ve been fine. We were just at the bar,” you lied. Going to the apartment of a random man you just met probably wasn’t your brightest idea, but you made it out alive, and that was what mattered. 

“Huh. The bar?” he smirked at you in a way that screamed that he was pissed, without really having to say a word. 

“Yes, I- what does it matter to you anyway?” you hoped that the question would be enough to get you out of the situation. If you were going to argue, you at least wanted to argue after you were showered and in pajamas.

“What does it matter to me if you fucked someone else?” he asked, sounding like he was in complete disbelief. 

“Yeah, Patrick. Why does it matter if I fucked someone else? We’re not together anymore. Did you forget? I mean, it seemed pretty obvious to you when you stopped speaking to me completely a few months ago.”

“Please, enlighten me. What did I have to speak to you about?” 

“I don’t know! Maybe an ‘are you okay?’ would’ve been nice. Or something. Anything, really. We were together for six fucking years and you just dropped me like I was dirt!”

“I…” he trailed off, catching you by surprise. He almost always had a quick clever response that managed to piss you off in a way no one else ever could, so seeing him not knowing what to say next caught you off guard. “If our relationship meant that much to you, why were you all over that guy? I mean, seriously. I’ve never seen anything so desperate. You were practically rubbing yourself on him in the park like a bitch in heat.”

Contempt dripped from his words. You had never been so enraged.

“Are you joking?” you laughed out of sheer anger. “Patrick, you started it! How many Tinder girls have you seen since we broke up? And don’t you dare fucking lie to me. I saw everything you’ve been sending to Amelia. Amelia, I’m so lonely. Amelia, I’m so horny. Amelia, I love you so much,” you mocked.

“You went through my phone?” he asked in disbelief, not even bothering to address the rest of your statement. “Fuck. You’re unbelievable.”

“I’m unbelievable? How long did it even take you before we split for you to start seeing other people? I mean, knowing you, you were probably just waiting for the day we broke up to go get your dick wet.”

“That’s not true, and you know it,” for a second, he looked genuinely wounded—something you were only able to recognize after years of being in a relationship with the man. You didn’t like that you were actively hurting him, but he’d been inflicting pain on you from the moment you broke up.

“Fine,” you conceded on that front, knowing that he was right. It wasn’t completely true. If you hadn’t gone through his phone, you never would’ve guessed that he had already moved on. “But you’ve still been seeing other people.”

“We’ve been broken up for months now,” he replied, as if that was supposed to make things any better or more reasonable. 

“Then why do you care so much about me having sex with someone else? It’s fine when you do it, but suddenly it’s an issue for me?” 

Patrick’s face immediately paled. “You really fucked him?”

“Well, yeah,” you paused. “Well, not who you’re thinking of.”

“You fucked someone else?!” The hurt and disbelief buried under his words made your stomach churn. “You were flirting with that other douchebag all day, I don’t-“

“You’re acting like I’m some whore for reacting to something that you did first!” you cut him off. 

“And you’re acting like I wanted to get rid of you this whole time!” he shot back out at you. 

“Clearly you fucking did,” you hissed. 

“Fuck you,” he huffed. 

“Fuck you,” you shot right back. “I’m leaving.”

“Good,” Patrick replied with a shrug as if he didn’t care, although you were very sure that he cared. “Go run back to your little fuck buddy.”

“Yeah, maybe I will,” you replied as you gathered your items back into your suitcase. “He was better than you, by the way.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he said snarkily as he watched you pack up your items. Luckily, you didn’t have much to pack up and were already heading towards the door. 

“He had a bigger dick, too,” you said as you swung open the hotel room door, fully satisfied with a lie that you knew would bother Patrick. 

While leaving your hotel room seemed like a wonderful idea in the moment, as you went down the elevator, you started to realize that you really did not have many options for where you’d sleep that night. 

You figured your best bet was the hotel lobby. Maybe you could pretend to be someone who’d drank too much and passed out on the first floor before you made it up to your room. You sat down in a comfortable looking chair and grabbed your keycard—in case anyone asked you to verify who you were—then set a floppy hat on your head to cover your face from the bright hotel lobby lights while you attempted to sleep. 

Sleep was already going to be difficult to accomplish, thanks to the argument that you were certainly going to be ruminating on for days to come. That was only made more difficult by the uncomfortable seating and position you’d found yourself in. Somehow, you managed to fall asleep, being woken up by a hotel employee and a friend you’d made from your tour group.

“Long night, huh?” she asked you with a playful smirk. 

“Mm, something like that,” you mumbled sleepily. 

“Well, you can sleep on the coach. It just got here, so we’ll have the best pick of seats. C’mon,” she extended her hand out to you and you gladly took it, in desperate need of something grounding. 

You dozed off on the coach once you’d gotten settled, headphones securely on your ears and sunglasses covering your closed eyes. You were vaguely aware of people boarding the vehicle around you, but didn’t pay much mind to anything. Eventually, you heard the faint sound of someone taking attendance of the people on the bus, followed by the commotion of someone getting on the bus late. 

Something compelled you to open up your eyes, and when you did, you were displeased to find that Patrick was the source of all of the drama. Likely thing for him to be. He scrambled down the aisle, looking desperately for empty seats. To your own horror, you realized that the seat next to you was vacant, and perhaps the only vacant seat on the entire coach. 

As if your minds were connected, you watched Patrick face that very same dilemma as he eventually decided to sit down in the only empty seat, right next to you. 

Neither of you said anything at first, not addressing your blowout argument the previous night, or your awkward current situation. 

“You look like shit,” Patrick finally said as the bus took off. 

“Thanks,” you replied, mentally preparing yourself for a continuation of the argument you’d had just a few hours ago. It was only a matter of time before he brought up your promiscuity or started blatantly texting his Tinderella. 

But none of that ever came. In fact, he just looked a little sad. It was weird to see Patrick so openly defeated. He was always one to put on a smirk or a challenging smile when you argued, letting the façade fall once he was alone, or once the two of you finally discussed what the issue was like adults.

You weren’t sure that you liked it. You preferred annoying asshole Patrick to sad, moping Patrick. 

“You look like shit, too,” you added. “Which is crazy, since you had access to a shower and I didn’t.”

“And whose fault is that?” he asked, looking at you with the slightest hint of that devious smile. You had to fight the slightest inkling of a smile on your own face. 

You felt ridiculous knowing that your mood was still being influenced by your former partner. Even when he was insulting you. Even after he’d spent the night arguing with you. Even after you’d slept with someone else. Even after the two of you had a messy split. 

You still loved him. 

“Yours, mostly,” you shrugged and put your headphones back on. 

PARIS, FRANCE

Despite your brief conversation on the bus, you and Patrick didn’t speak to each other for the entirety of your commute. Although you clearly cared about him, it didn’t change the fact that he had upset and hurt you deeply. And even as upset as you were, you knew that you’d hurt him just as badly. 

You had a particular dread for what awaited you in France, knowing that this part of the tour was very couples-activity heavy. When you’d scheduled your trip, this aspect of the tour felt like a major selling point. The two of you always seemed to be falling more in love with each other, and having a candlelit dinner by the Eiffel Tower felt like an exciting way to kick off your marriage. 

Now, you just felt like an idiot.

The two of you did your absolute best to avoid getting paired up with each other for all of the activities that you could. You found yourself spending most of your time with a solo traveler who was close in age to you. She made a surprisingly fun companion to your cheese and wine taste test, popping cubes of fragrant cheese into your mouth and making a competition out of who could detect the most accurate notes in your wine. 

While you found luck in your first few activities, you weren’t so lucky when it came to an evening ride of the Roue de Paris. Whether it was fate or just bad luck, after the pair in front of you had dipped out of line for reasons unknown to you, you had the shocking realization that Patrick had been in between them the whole time. So much for meeting new people on the massive ferris wheel. 

You tried to look busy so he wouldn’t notice that you noticed, and did your best to think of some sort of game plan. Although you’d essentially been giving each other the silent treatment in the hours leading up to this moment, you’d caught Patrick looking at you multiple times throughout the day—something you only noticed because you’d been looking at him as well. 

After a moment, the two of you were let into an empty passenger car. Sitting across from one another, it was hard to ignore the very obvious elephants in the room, but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t try. 

At first, you simply looked out the window, not saying a single word as the ferris wheel began to move. 

“You should put that safety belt on, just in case,” Patrick commented from his side of the car, pulling his eyes away from the window to look at you. 

“I doubt anything will happen,” you shrugged. “It’s fine.”

He eyed you suspiciously for a moment, before leaning over and strapping you in anyway. Your breath caught in your throat, his simple action putting you into serious psychological pain. It wasn’t lost on you how much Patrick liked to take care of you. It was far more obvious when the two of you were dating, with him covering the bills for dates and doing your laundry for you. It had been so ironic to you at the time, how a man who could barely take care of himself always went out of his way to make sure that you were going to be okay. 

Now, his small act of kindness just made your stomach turn. But it wasn’t like you could express any of those feelings. 

“Thanks,” was all that you managed before looking out of the window once more. 

An awkward, heavy silence filled the passenger car once more as the ride began to take the two of you higher. 

“The view is so beautiful,” you commented, unable to remain silent anymore and hoping that your words were neutral enough not to stir any pots. 

“Yeah, it’s really nice,” his gaze remained fixed out the window, before he looked at you once more as if there were words on the tip of his tongue. 

“I honestly don’t know how we managed to get in line in time to see the sunset,” you continued with your boring, neutral small talk. 

“I’m glad we did. This is the perfect spot to watch it.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, continuing to look out the window instead of at the man across from you. “It’s so pretty tonight, too.”

“It is,” he agreed. 

The two of you sat in silence again, only the sound of a soft whirring filling your ears. Then suddenly, all at once, the whirring stopped—and so did your passenger car. 

“Are we stuck?” you asked, looking out nervously at the very tall height that the two of you were currently definitely stuck at. 

“We can’t be. It’ll probably start back up in a second.”

It didn’t start back up in a second. In fact, after a series of announcements in French, an announcement in English suddenly declared that it would be at least an hour before the ride could be fixed. 

At the sound of the announcement, both you and Patrick sighed aloud, still synchronized even after everything you’d been through. 

“Maybe this is a sign,” Patrick piped up. 

“What are you talking about?” you laughed at him, hoping desperately that this didn’t mean that he wanted to continue arguing with you. You genuinely did not have it in you to do so again. You also didn’t have it in you to sleep in another hotel lobby. 

“Well, I’ve been wanting to talk to you all day,” he confessed. 

“Is that why you were staring at me all day?” you teased, a weak, slightly hopeful smile creeping onto your face. 

“I was looking at you because I could feel you staring at me,” he clarified, as if he was setting the record straight. “I don’t want things to be like this between us anymore.”

“Yeah?” you asked, the pit of nerves in your stomach tightening at wherever he was going with his spiel. The anticipation of his words alone made you nauseous. 

“So I think that we should talk about last night,” he suggested. 

That was exactly what you didn’t want to hear him say. You had barely processed the argument yourself, let alone think about anything else that you had to say to Patrick that didn’t involve trying to hurt him as much as he hurt you. 

“We don’t have to. It’s fine. The past is in the past,” you dismissed. 

“It’s not fine, though. Not really,” he countered, all earnestness. You didn’t detect any harshness to his words or any blood in the water that indicated to you that he wanted to do anything more than have an honest conversation with you. “I was so out of line. I can’t- I don’t want you to think that I really believe the things I said about you.”

“Patrick, please…” you trailed off, hoping that he would understand that you didn’t really want to talk about this. Though, you were relieved to learn that he’d only said those things out of the heat of the moment. 

“No,” he stood his ground. “We need to talk about this if we ever want our relationship to improve.”

“Fine,” you gave in. “But you start, so I can collect my thoughts.”

“Of course,” he leaned forward so he could get a better look at you, and you were immediately drawn into some intense eye contact with him. “I’m sorry for acting like a dick yesterday. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did, and I really shouldn’t have let you leave our hotel room. That was really stupid of me. I worried about you for the rest of the night and spent the morning looking for you.”

This was surprising information to you. While you did find it to be a bit of a dick move that Patrick would just let you leave like that after lecturing you about being unsafe in a new country, you hadn’t realized that he’d been late to boarding the coach because he’d been searching for you. You could only imagine the sick feeling he had as he realized he couldn’t find you anywhere. 

“I’m sorry for what I said, too. Insulting you for trying to move on was really unfair of me. I was just… hurt, I guess. When I don’t even have the right to be.”

“You do, a little. We were together for a really long time, so it’s gonna feel weird that we’re starting to see other people,” you shrugged. “That was an excellent apology, that I accept, by the way.”

“Thank you. I really got a chance to practice my apology skills with the last woman I was with,” he explained. You tried to repress the feeling of jealousy that was already bubbling up in your stomach at the mention of another woman. 

“Yeah?” you asked, hoping that he didn’t notice the brief twitch of your eye.

“Yeah. She’s super opinionated and outspoken, so we would butt heads a lot. But that was always something I really liked about her. That, and her magnificent ass.”

Finally, it occurred to you that he was talking about you. You rolled your eyes and shook your head, despite the fact that you were secretly very flattered by the way he was speaking about you. “Ew. Shut up,” you laughed. 

“Well, if you’re done objectifying me, I would love to apologize to you too.”

“All done objectifying you. For now, at least. Go ahead.”

You were a little nervous about the words that were about to come out of your mouth. You just had so much to say, and you weren’t sure that it was all going to come out correctly. 

“I’m sorry for the things I said last night. I genuinely did not mean what I said, I just got caught up in the moment. And I’m really sorry for going through your phone, because that’s seriously none of my business. It was such an unnecessary violation of trust, and I understand if you’re still pissed at me for that. And it was really ridiculous for me to overreact the way that I did over you seeing someone else, because again, it’s really not my business. I feel like I’m kinda the worst,” you confessed. 

“You’re not the worst,” he countered. 

“Fine, I guess. Maybe you just bring the worst out in me,” you joked, trying to lighten the mood slightly. 

“That sounds more accurate. We bring out the worst in each other.”

“Right. That’s why we’re such a good pair,” you paused, then corrected yourself. “Of friends.”

“Is that what we are now?”

“I never said we were good friends.”

“Frenemies?”

“Something like that,” you said, before the familiar whirring sound of the ferris wheel began once more. 

“Huh. Who would’ve thought that the only thing the wheel needed to function was an apology to each other?”

“You’re so annoying,” you laughed and shook your head. “How are we gonna make it through the rest of this trip?”

LONDON, ENGLAND

Your final few days in France had been made far less awkward by your conversation on the ferris wheel. Deciding to fully embrace the couples activities the tour had reserved for you, the two of you were having a good time re-establishing your friendship. 

Your trip to London had gone mostly without a hitch, with your group arriving in the city in the evening and immediately checking in to your hotel. At this point, you had given up on even attempting to get separate beds. It seemed like every morning now you woke up cuddling with Patrick, but you weren’t necessarily mad at the unintentional intimacy. 

In some ways, your relationship was beginning to feel similar to how it felt before the two of you broke up. While you were sure that things wouldn’t be exactly the same—especially since you still hadn’t addressed the elephant in the room that was your breakup—it was nice to return to the comfort you’d found in your relationship with Patrick. 

Like clockwork, the morning after your arrival in London, you woke up with Patrick pressed up against your back, nose buried in your hair. As he woke up, he pressed a gentle kiss to your hairline out of what you were sure was just habit rather than genuine affection. 

“Morning,” he greeted you groggily, rolling away from your side. 

“Morning,” you replied, turning to face him. You ran a hand through his messy morning hair and looked at him fondly. It was taking far more self control than you had to not lean over and kiss him. “What time is it?” you asked, in part to distract yourself, but also because the digital clock was on his side of the bed. 

“It’s…” he trailed off as he went to read the time. “Oh shit, we’re gonna be late.”

“What?” you asked, shooting up from your relaxed position. 

“It’s 8:25,” he explained, already rolling out of bed. 

In a rush, the two of you got dressed in record time, making it down to the lobby in the five minutes that you had to make it on time. You shared a high-five in the lobby, and tried your best not to dwell on how the simple action felt far more domestic than it needed to. 

Your tour began not too long after that, getting your day off to a strong start. Your day of exploring London was by far your busiest. You were sure that you’d accumulated thousands of steps as you went between large museums, beautiful parks, and massive landmarks. By the time that you returned to your hotel room, you were pretty sure that your legs were mush. 

You returned earlier than Patrick, who had gone out to a gastropub with a group of tourists in your group that he got along well with. You took this as an opportunity to have some alone time, taking a long and steaming hot shower, frolicking around the room in a soft hotel robe, and watching a movie while you waited for your room service to arrive. 

After you’d thoroughly enjoyed your alone time, finishing off your room service and opting to scroll on your phone, the door cracked open and Patrick strolled in. 

“Looks like you made yourself right at home,” he observed. 

“I had to after today’s tour. So much walking,” you groaned. 

“It wasn’t all that bad,” he shrugged, sitting down next to you in bed. 

“Well, not all of us are professional athletes,” you laughed. “How was the pub?”

“Fun. It’d be better if you came.”

“I’m sorry, I was exhausted,” you sighed. “You could’ve stayed in with me and had a spa day.”

“We can have a spa day anywhere. We can have a spa day right now.”

“Mm, I’m all spa’d out. But the water pressure in the shower is excellent, so you should definitely check that out.”

“I will in a little bit,” he said. “Did you try out the actual spa here?”

“They were closed when I checked, which really sucks, since I was in desperate need of a massage.”

“Do you still want one?” Patrick asked. 

“Yeah. I’ll probably try to stop by when they’re open tomorrow and get one.”

“No, I mean, do you want a massage now?” he added. 

It had been a long time since Patrick had offered you a massage—or to put his hands on you in any capacity—but you remembered him being criminally talented at giving them. You also remembered his massages usually making for great foreplay that left your knees weak and your brain a pile of jelly, but that clearly wouldn’t be the case now, and you needed to get your head out of the gutter. 

“I mean, sure. That would be nice,” you tried not to sound too excited, though the prospect of a massage from him sounded very, very nice. 

While the prospect of a massage sounded nice, the actual massage was heavenly. You were sure that years of having personal trainers and physical therapists work knots out of his body had made him an expert at finding knots and kinks in your own, which was now leaving you sighing happily as he ran his hands over your back. 

You tried your best to ignore the dull, fiery feeling growing in your lower stomach that was surely a result of experiencing a type of intimacy that you hadn’t in quite some time. As you let out an involuntary soft sound at a particular knot being rubbed out of your shoulder, you wondered if this massage was affecting him nearly as much as it was affecting you.

You promptly received an answer to this question when something hard and phallic brushed up against your leg. You turned your head to glance back at Patrick, and his face immediately grew red. 

“Sorry. I can stop, if you want. It just happened because of the noises you’re making and- whatever. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Part of you felt a little satisfied knowing that you still had that type of impact on him. It gave you a tiny glimmer of hope to know that you were still, at the least, physically attracted to one another. 

“It’s fine. I’ll shut up.”

“You don’t have to. I want this to be as relaxing as possible for you.”

“Well you’re doing a great job, if you couldn’t tell from all of the moaning and groaning on my end.”

You both somehow made it through the rest of the massage without spilling all over the bed, but as you melted into the bed, feeling every muscle in your body relaxed from your excellent massage, you couldn’t help but note the suspiciously long time Patrick was spending in the shower. And maybe it was just your imagination, but if you listened hard enough, you swore you could hear the sound of a soft chanting of your name coming from the other side of the bathroom door. 

While part of you regretted not suggesting that the two of you help each other out with your mutual problems, you were pretty sure that it was for the best. You genuinely didn’t know where the two of you stood, as far as your relationship went. Hooking up would surely further complicate an already complicated situation, since you were pretty sure that ex-fiancés didn’t typically sleep together. But then again, ex-fiancés also didn’t usually go on a honeymoon despite not being together. Your complicated feelings on the matter only further proved to you that you made the right choice by not giving in to your baser desires. 

By the time Patrick joined you in bed, you were already half asleep. Yet, even in your delirious state, you didn’t miss the way he came up behind you, pulling you into a loving embrace. It brought warmth to your chest to know that he couldn’t even wait for your automatic sleep routine to hold you, and that he felt the need to take matters into his own hands. 

You were pretty sure that exes didn’t do that either. 

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS 

You didn’t know what you expected from your first ferry ride, but being face deep in a barf bag while soothing circles were rubbed into your back was certainly not it. 

Given that you weren’t a frequent rider of large vessels on bodies of water, you had no clue going into the ride that things would go so sideways so quickly for you. If anything, you thought you might have the opportunity to stare peacefully out into the water, or to force Patrick to take a few cute pictures of you. Unfortunately, you were currently doing neither of those things—and it didn’t seem like you’d be doing them any time soon. 

You heaved once more, now almost totally sure that you had nothing left to give. Patrick continued to hold your hair out of your face with one hand and use his other to comfortingly rub your back, not at all fazed by your sickness. If you weren’t currently fighting off another wave of nausea and didn’t have the taste of bile lingering in your mouth, you probably could’ve kissed the man. 

Once your brain finally told you the coast was clear, you leaned your head back and took several deep, gasping breaths of air. 

“You alright, honey?” he asked you, and you didn’t even have the strength—physical or mental—to correct his use of a pet name. 

“I could be better,” you replied, pinching the bridge of your nose as you tilted your head back. “There’s medicine for this, right?”

“Yeah. Let me go see if I can find some.”

As you fought off a war of nausea and headache that was currently beating you on all fronts, you could faintly hear the sound of Patrick asking the people around you if they had any medicine for motion sickness. He eventually returned after what felt like a lifetime, but was probably more like a few minutes, carrying a bottle of Dramamine. 

He helped you take the pill, putting it in your mouth then holding a bottle of water up to your lips to help you swallow it. The action felt oddly romantic, though it was more of a matter of practicality compared to anything else. You were clearly not in a stable enough space to get the pill down on your own, so his assistance wasn’t really anything for you to be over analyzing. 

“Look at you, keeping that down,” he teased, running his hand up and down your arm. The motion was soothing, a bit of bodily comfort amongst a plethora of other awful physical pains you were experiencing. “You’re doing great.”

His soft caresses turned into a full-blown hug, with Patrick pulling you into a tight embrace. While the action itself was rather cute—especially since it seemed to be completely impulsive on his part—it instantly brought on a new wave of nausea. 

“Pat?” you squeaked. 

“Yeah?” he asked. 

“You’re sweet. But if we stay like this, I am going to be sick all over you.”

He pulled away from you with concern, careful not to move too quickly to set off another bout of sickness. While he let go of your body, he continued to hold your hand, as if he were attempting to ground you. With how anxious he was looking, he might’ve been trying to ground himself as well. 

It was cute seeing him so worried about you. You tried your best not to read too much into it, and luckily, your slowly fading nausea was the perfect distraction from doing so. 

“Thank you for the drugs. It was fun watching you scramble all around asking people for help. You’re such a good…” you paused, not really knowing what you were or what to say. “Ex.”

Now wasn’t exactly the ideal time to have the, ‘what are we?’ conversation, but Patrick didn’t seem to mind. And if he did mind, he was doing a damn good job at hiding it. 

“Only the best for my ex.” Maybe you’d just been imaging it, but you swore you sensed a bit of hesitation on his end as he called you his ex. Admittedly, it would be significantly easier for both of you to be calling each other spouses, or even partners. But alas, you weren’t either of those things to each other anymore. 

As if you’d read each other's minds, the two of you quickly moved on from that conversation. 

After you’d arrived and gotten settled into Amsterdam, you set off to explore the city. When presented with a few options of things to do, Patrick insisted that the two of you go on a bike tour, much to your own chagrin. As much as you weren’t sure your legs could handle any more strenuous physical activity, you’d known that Patrick had wanted to take this bike tour since your trip was an actual honeymoon. Who were you to deny him of that?

As the two of you toured the very beautiful city, Patrick made sure to make a show out of his biking skills. While he was no professional cyclist, he certainly had the ego of one—which translated to him going a little too hard at times and nearly falling off of his bike more than once. 

Each time he almost fell, you found yourself also almost falling, the onset of laughter at the ridiculous man riding next to you nearly being too much to handle. Without fail, every time the two of you did your almost falling, then break into a howling laughter routine, you were given dirty looks by your fellow tour mates. Unfortunately, that only made the situation funnier to you and Patrick. 

By the time the tour had wrapped, it was clear that everyone was sick and tired of you. But at least this time, the people around you were sick of the girlish giggles Patrick pulled from you, rather than the rude words he provoked you into saying, like he’d done on the plane. 

It was refreshing to be spending time with him like this. In the time that you’d been so upset about your break up, you forgot about just how good it felt to be around Patrick when your relationship was going well. 

It was also nice to be spending some alone time with him, away from the rest of your tour group. As the two of you looked at strange knick-knacks in an antique store, you realized just how much you missed being alone with him. While it was nice that the two of you had made friends within your group, your dynamic as a duo was obviously something really special. Maybe that’s why the two of you had been together for so long. 

You spent the majority of the afternoon doubled over in laughter, playfully teasing Patrick, or being on the receiving end of subtle, gentle touches. As you really began to think about it, this day of travel had been your favorite—by a long shot. It also happened to be the day that felt most like one from a honeymoon.

Although it had already been clear to you for some time that you still had feelings for Patrick, the day you had spent together had completely sealed the deal. Once Patrick had surprised you with a beautiful bouquet of flowers over dinner, you’d only been more sure that you were sick with love for your ex.

It was a small miracle that you’d rounded out the day without confessing your feelings, particularly since you ended the evening with a movie playing on the television of your hotel room that the two of you barely paid attention to, as Patrick held you and talked about some of the things you’d missed while the two of you were separated. 

In the morning, you woke up to the soft sound of chatter, rather than your loud alarm clock or the sound of deep breaths in the shell of your ear. 

From what you could faintly make out from the words and the lack of a warm body beside you, Patrick was on the phone with his mother. You wanted to feel bad for eavesdropping, especially since you’d just had an argument with Patrick over your snooping habit just over a week ago, but it was far too difficult not to listen in. 

“I’m glad you liked the picture,” you made out from the muffled words behind the doorway. You were sure he was referencing the selfie the two of you took in front of Big Ben a few days ago. You also liked the photo a lot, with the two of you looking particularly good and particularly happy. You’d also taken a more baity photo of him kissing your cheek, specifically to send to his mother who he knew would be overjoyed to see you. While Patrick had explained the idea behind the picture as his mom simply wanting to see you, you knew the more accurate statement is that his mom wanted to see the two of you together. 

After a beat, there was a soft chuckle. “No, we’re not back together. No mom, there’s no ‘yet.’ I know. I’m an idiot, I know- aren’t you supposed to take your child’s side? Well, I don’t know if you know this, but we never ended up getting married, so no, she’s not your daughter. How could she possibly be your favorite child! We just talked about this. I’m gonna hang up. I’m serious. Alright. Love you, bye.”

When Patrick returned, you were already sitting up in bed. 

“Can you tell your mom I say hi next time?” you asked with a cheeky grin on your face, still coming off of the high that was the romantic outing you’d had the day prior. 

“I’m sure she’d love to hear that,” he replied, getting back into bed beside you. “She probably wants to hear from you more than she wants to hear from me.”

You laughed and shook your head, not bothering to argue with his words since you both knew they were pretty accurate. 

“I mean, I’m sure she’ll be inviting you to Thanksgiving and Christmas long after we’ve moved on with other people and have our own families.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach. You were sure of it. You thought you could genuinely feel the movement of your most vital organ slowly sinking into a pit of stomach acid. 

You tried not to let your smile falter, considering that Patrick was looking right at you with a sweet look of his own plastered on his face. You wondered if this was some sort of test, to gauge how you felt after a day of rekindling the love the two of you thought had burnt out. 

Or maybe, more realistically, he’d already come to accept the reality that you’d been stalling on accepting: your relationship was truly over. One fun day wouldn’t change the fact that your wedding had been called off, and that the two of you said things to each other that would alter the foundations of any solid relationship for years to come. 

Your heart was such a traitor. She refused to accept the simple fact that Patrick wanted to move on, and that your relationship was a thing of the past. Maybe, if you couldn’t convince your heart to accept that truth, you might be able to force your brain to. 

“And I’ll still be accepting that invitation, thank you very much,” you stated, trying to sound confident in your words. “In the meantime, let’s get ready before we miss this bus. You can tell me what your mom’s menu is gonna look like this year on our ride over.”

SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL GERMANY

It was stupid for you to be torn up the way that you were over just a few simple words, but the more you thought about it, the worse you felt. 

In reality, it wasn’t just what Patrick had said to you in the hotel room. It was the fact that he’d been actively trying to move on with other people since who knew when, and the way he seemed to frequently verbally reiterate the fact that your relationship was over. By holding out hope that you might somehow be able to repair your relationship, you were being much more naïve than you even realized. 

You felt stupid. But you also felt confused, because as much as Patrick swore he was over you, and pursued other people, he was also far too comfortable acting like nothing had changed between you two. After all, he was the one flirting with you, and trying to attach himself at the hip to you as you traveled. He was the one who always managed to end up spooning you over the course of the night and woke up kissing whatever part of your body he was closest to. For god's sake, he’d just told you yesterday about how he’d searched high and low to find a bouquet of flowers that he thought you would genuinely like. And most damningly, you hadn’t forgotten the look of hurt on his face when he found out that you had slept with someone else. That wasn’t the behavior of someone who was over their partner.

To say you were receiving mixed messages was a complete understatement. You couldn’t understand how it was possible that the man who was currently leaning against you very affectionately, despite being on a cramped bus, was also totally over you and wanted to move on.

You didn’t know what you wanted to do about the situation, but you were sure that you couldn’t keep going like this. 

Your bus stopped somewhere in Germany for the evening, letting you all out to have dinner and do some light sightseeing before regrouping in the morning and heading to Prague. Somehow, that translated to going to a bar to try out German beer for you, Patrick, and a few of the friends you’d made while traveling. 

After a brief intermission of checking into your hotel room, your small group met up in the lobby, then set off to find a bar. 

Drinking while you were feeling a little upset probably wasn’t your brightest idea. The speed and volume at which you were consuming alcohol was a little concerning, but not nearly as concerning as how much Patrick was drinking. Eventually, even in your drunken state, you realized that you should probably slow down—if nothing else, to take care of him. 

But the two of you continued on, going from bar to bar, getting drunk at a level that probably would’ve been acceptable when you were younger, but was certainly going to take a major toll on you now. 

Forgetting about the repercussions of the future, you two were having a great time. Despite you being out with a group, it felt a little bit like the two of you were in your own little bubble. Nothing else in the world seemed to matter as the two of you took shots and danced together. Not the people around you, not the fact that you had to be up early the next morning to make it onto your coach, not even the fact that Patrick had implied that the two of you would move on and have families with other people only a few days ago. 

By the time that the rest of your group had called it quits, explaining that they wanted to be up and functional in time for your ride the next morning, you and Patrick were still in your own little world. It was only after you’d shared a few drunk cigarettes that the two of you decided that the fun should end, and that it was time to head back to your hotel. 

Unfortunately for you, midway through your trek back home, your drinking buddy had given up on walking, leaving you tasked with literally dragging him all the way back to your hotel. While a sober version of yourself would’ve been annoyed by the inconvenience, all you could really think about was how nice it was to have his body so close to yours.

After a tumultuous journey back, the two of you finally made it back to your hotel room. You had only been in the room for a matter of seconds before Patrick collapsed onto the bed and let out a loud sigh of relief, followed by an even louder yawn, as if he was the one who had just carried you down the road.

It was annoyingly endearing. 

You had half the mind to at least get somewhat ready before getting into bed, shedding your outermost layer of clothing before joining Patrick in bed. 

“Thank you,” he said to you once you laid down next to him. 

“Mhm,” you hummed, your head still pleasantly buzzing from the alcohol. “But I’m never doing that again.”

“Aww, why? We had so much fun,” he practically whined. “I always have so much fun when we’re together.”

“I had fun, but you’re so heavy. You’d never guess it. All those muscles,” in the midst of your complaining, you reached over to grab his bicep to demonstrate his point. 

He laughed, which made you laugh, though you didn’t exactly know what you were laughing at. Then, out of the blue, he randomly said your name in a very serious tone. 

“Can you help me with something?” he asked, sounding very genuine and giving you a look that you couldn’t quite place in your drunken state. 

“Anything,” you replied earnestly and meant it. You would probably do literally anything that he asked you to do at that moment. Move a mountain? You’d start pushing. Marry him? You’d wake up an officiant and come up with vows on the spot. Help him hide a body? You were sure you could find a shovel somewhere.

“Can you help me get my shoes off?” he lifted a foot as he spoke to demonstrate his point, a little pout on his lips. You were a little disappointed that he hadn’t asked you for anything else, but you also weren’t quite sure what it was that you wanted him to ask you for. 

You groaned playfully, a long and drawn out sound that you hoped would communicate that you were exhausted after dragging him through the city and comfortable where you were laying. Still, you leaned over and untied his shoes before gently slipping them off. When you looked back up at Patrick, his pants were newly half undone and halfway off, but it looked as if he had given up fully taking his pants off. 

“Need help with that too?” you asked, though you were already working on slipping the article of clothing off of his legs.

Though you tried to push the thought out of your mind, you couldn’t help but recall a similar night the two of you shared several years ago. Your relationship was still relatively new, but you were already very obviously in love. So in love that you’d gone out of your way to set up a surprise party to celebrate a particularly successful tennis match, decorating your apartment with photos of him with trophies and other tennis paraphernalia and inviting as many of his close friends that you could track down. Still riding the high of winning and his all-consuming adoration of you, Patrick had partied a little too hard, leaving you in charge of tucking him in at the end of the night. 

After bringing him a glass of water, the man snuggled into your sheets and slurred out a comment about how they smelled like you. You felt your cheeks warm as he continued on in a disjointed ramble, talking about how much he appreciated you and how no one had ever gone out of their way to make him feel like that before. He ended his monologue with a request for you to help him take his clothes off, and you happily obliged. It was tender and far more intimate than you’d expected, and ended in a drawn out kiss that left you giggling as you told Patrick that he tasted like Smirnoff Ice. 

Even as inebriated as you currently were, the nostalgia made you feel a little dizzy. 

By the time you’d finished helping him get his pants off, Patrick had clearly given up on getting his shirt off, too. Once again, you moved your hands up his body and helped him out with the piece of fabric. 

“Look at that. All ready for bed,” you commented, setting a hand on his bare chest. The small action made your heart soar, and you promptly decided that it was probably better for you to avoid touching him altogether. 

“My watch?” Patrick asked, lifting his wrist up to show you the accessory. 

“You can take your watch off yourself,” you replied, leaning back into bed and finally laying down. 

“Fine.”

“Night, Patty,” you said, reaching over to turn out the bedside lamp. 

“Wait,” he paused pensively, as if he was digging deep in the recesses of his mind to conjure up what he was about to say. “A kiss?”

“Patrick!” you gasped, sounding far more scandalized by the proposition than you actually were. Of course you would give him a kiss, you just weren’t sure you were ready to open up that can of worms, especially after you’d had a minor crisis at the realization that he genuinely wanted to move on.

“No goodnight kiss? C’mon. Fully commit to tucking me in,” Patrick insisted, as if it was the most logical thing ever. As if either of you had the self control to not let something as simple as a kiss spiral out of control. 

“Fine,” you sighed before pressing a gentle peck to his forehead, figuring that was the safest place to do so. A forehead kiss was about as platonic as it got with you.  “Sweet dreams.”

“Thank you,” he said, rather sweetly as his eyes shut. “Love you.”

Those words instantly gave you pause, causing you to suddenly feel very alert and very sober.

“Sorry, what did you just say?”

“I said I love you?” Patrick repeated, looking at you with confusion. “What?”

“Nothing,” though it was very much not nothing. In fact, if his confession was true, it would change everything. “Go to bed.”

“Wait, what?” Patrick grabbed your arm, looking very worried in the low light of the room. “You’re mad. You’re mad that I love you?”

You didn’t even know how you were supposed to react to that admission. While it had been exactly what you’d been dying to hear from him for months, it only further complicated your already very complicated situation.

“I’m not mad, I’m… I’m just tired. Let’s go to sleep, okay?”

Your explanation seemed to placate Patrick enough to let it go and go to sleep. He shuffled around to get comfortable behind you, before pulling you in to hold you as he’d done for the entirety of the trip. Except, tonight, it didn’t feel quite right. The mixture of his frequent rejections of you, paired with his casual confession that he still loved you made your head spin. 

The following morning, you woke up with a pounding in your head and a gross taste in your mouth—only one of which, you could fully attribute to the drinking you’d done last night. You clumsily reached for your phone, and found yourself pleasantly surprised to find an announcement about the delay of the next bus you would be getting on. 

You got out of bed with a grunt, your entire body aching with the reminder of having to drag Patrick through the city last night. Somehow, the sore muscles didn’t hurt nearly as much compared to the memory of being told that Patrick still loved you. 

You slowly paced back and forth around your hotel room, desperately trying to organize your racing thoughts. Did Patrick actually mean what he said last night? Or had been caught up in the heat of the moment? If anything, the latter seemed more likely, since he’d been very obviously trying to distance himself from you. But had he really been distancing himself from you, or just talking about distancing himself from you? If his care for you on the ferry had been any indication of how he really felt about you, it was possible that his drunken words were more honest than you were trying to convince yourself that they were. 

Finally, you decided to stop annoying the person staying in the room under you with your increasingly frantic pacing, and to go outside to walk. Some fresh air would be good for you anyway. 

“Where’re you going?” a muffled voice, heavy with sleep asked. You paused the tying of your shoes to look over at the bed, where Patrick was currently squinting at you.  

“I’m just going for a walk,” you told him. “Go back to sleep. The coach is coming late.”

“Wait for me. I’ll come with you.”

That was probably the last thing you needed or wanted. After all, the whole purpose of your walk was to help you sort out your thoughts about Patrick. To say he wasn’t a welcome addition to your trip was an understatement.

“Okay,” you said anyway, against your better judgment. It seemed like you hadn’t been using much of your judgment at all on this trip. What was one more poor decision on top of a series of poor decisions?

You watched him get ready from where you were sitting, quietly impressed with his ability to get up and be functional despite surely being just as hungover—if not more—than you. He also seemed wholly unaffected by the conversation you’d had last night, which was something that you certainly couldn’t say for yourself. 

With sunglasses perched on your nose and the weight of your entire relationship placed on your shoulders, the two of you headed out into the city, walking on the same sidewalks that you’d practically carried Patrick down the previous night. 

“Last night was fun,” Patrick commented, making small talk with you as you began to head down the street. 

“Some parts,” you agreed, hoping that he’d recall you grunting as you lugged him down the street, rather than your shock when he told you that he still loved you. 

“I honestly don’t remember most of the night,” Patrick said with a chuckle that almost sounded a little forced. You couldn’t be sure if he was being honest or searching for a cop out for the things he’d told you before you went to sleep, but you weren’t sure that it really mattered.

“Unfortunately, I do,” you replied. 

“Oh no. I hope I wasn’t too much of a pain.”

“You were like, slightly above average in terms of being a pain. Nothing I’m not used to.” You figured that maybe you could banter your way out of this situation. Perhaps if you just pretended that everything was okay, things would magically become okay.

But that didn’t feel alright. In fact, it wasn’t alright. If you ever wanted to improve your relationship with Patrick, you had to stop beating around the bush with him. You were both adults. You’d been together for years, yet you felt like you wasted far too much time not being straightforward with your thoughts and feelings. If there was going to be a next time for the two of you, you wanted things to be different. 

“You did say something kinda interesting last night, though.” While it had been easy to talk up a big game in your head, you immediately regretted the words that came out of your mouth. Regardless, it was too late for you to back out. 

Patrick laughed nervously before asking, “what?”

“You just… you kinda told me you still have feelings for me, or whatever. I just think, maybe we should talk about it. Or at least talk about us.”

The man next to you paled at your words. Your regret for bringing the topic up immediately grew exponentially. 

“I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” Patrick said, though he was lying through his teeth and both of you knew it. You wanted to approach this topic with civility and an open mind, but his blatant lie was making that a rather difficult task.

“Are you kidding? We’ve been tip-toeing around it this entire trip.”

“We’re broken up. You called off our wedding. I don’t think it gets any more straightforward than that,” he dismissed with a gross simplification of the state of your relationship.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. And even if it was, all I said was that I didn't think I was ready to get married. You put the final nail in the coffin when you told me you fell out of love with me. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to interpret you not being in love with me anymore when you still act the way that you act with me.”

You could tell the direction this conversation was going, your discussion quickly veering into argument territory as Patrick began to invade your space as he always did when you argued. 

“And how exactly do I act with you?” he challenged, though you were sure he knew exactly what you were talking about.  

“Do you want me to give you a list or something?” you asked, his anger becoming contagious.

“Sure, why not,” he said drily. 

“Fine. Let’s start with the cuddling, then. Please enlighten me, do you know any exes who spoon regularly? I mean, I certainly don’t. I don’t even touch my friends like that. So I don’t know what that really makes us. Or maybe how jealous you got when you saw me with someone else. I really can’t think of any sort of platonic explanation for that, and trust me, I’ve tried. And while we’re at it, I guess I should mention those showers. I respect the hell out of your faith in the thickness of these hotel walls, but I actually can hear you moaning my name while you’re in there. I’m honestly a little flattered, but I’m mostly confused.”

“Like you’re not doing the same,” Patrick scoffed. You knew him well enough to recognize that he was masking his true feelings with hostility, and though you wanted to engage in an actual conversation with him, you weren’t sure you would be able to take the high road in this conversation.

“Sure, but I’m not the one in denial of what’s going on here!”

“I’m not in denial. Have you ever considered that maybe I want to move on?”

“Do you, though?” you asked, pausing on the sidewalk.

“Clearly, I do,” he stopped right along with you, now really getting in your face.

“Clearly,” you repeated with a laugh. “Maybe you should start acting like it.”

“Maybe you should stop clinging to the past.”

His piercing gaze was unwavering as he waited to read your reaction. You knew how he liked to play this game, looking for an indication of any sort of weakness from you. You refused to give him that, though his words cut deep. 

“Okay,” you said calmly, though you were very much not feeling calm on the inside. “Well, thanks for letting me know how you really feel. Or how you think you feel. I don’t really know anymore. And I don’t think you know either.”

PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC

If you had known that telling Patrick that he drunkenly confessed to loving you would’ve broken the already very delicate relationship the two of you had built back up, you never would’ve said anything at all. As it turned out, having some of Patrick was better than not having him at all.

The contempt he now felt for you had become so strong that he didn’t even seem to be able to look at you. He sat next to a different person on the bus to Prague, not even sparing you a glance. When you arrived at the hotel, he made it a point to ask for separate rooms—something the two of you hadn’t done the entirety of your trip. As your tour began, he seemed to make a strong effort to separate himself from you, standing in the back of your group when you were in the front and vice versa. 

Usually, even after your worst arguments, you’d been able to find the time to talk out your feelings, but now it seemed like Patrick couldn’t even find it in himself to give you that.

You wanted to be mad at Patrick too. You were mad at him. But you missed him more than you were angry with him, and you yearned to be with him, no matter how crazy his constant antics drove you. 

Part of you felt frustrated that your relationship had become so cyclical since your breakup. You weren’t sure you could handle another cycle of fighting to the point of real anger, then making up with your relationship still a little more strained than it was in the past. You just wanted Patrick. Why did things have to be any more complicated than that? 

You desperately clung on to any bits of hope that your relationship might persist, coming out of this argument altered, but still existing. You snuck peeks at Patrick while you toured a beautiful castle and tried to bite your tongue until you stopped thinking of how badly you wanted to grab him and joke about his home looking like that castle. You wondered if he wanted to put your initials on a lock and put it on a bridge as much as you did. You wished you could ask him if he missed the warm body in bed beside him the way you did. 

But every time you looked at him, he was pointedly not looking at you. As your group paused on the bridge to allow couples the time to make their own locks, Patrick didn’t even spare a glance in your direction. You were sure that even if he did miss you in bed, or wherever else, he would never tell you about it. 

You didn’t want it to be over—but you couldn’t keep clinging to hope that it wasn’t. 

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

Getting to view the breathtaking scenery of the Swiss Alps as you sat on a cable car had been a dream of yours for years. What wasn’t included in that dream was dodging the glare of your ex-fiancé as the two of you sat in silence on that very gondola. 

Unluckily for the two of you, you were stuck together for the afternoon. Private skiing lessons in the Swiss Alps sounded like a great, even romantic, idea while you were planning the trip, but it was far from romantic now. 

The two of you stood on opposite sides of your instructor, the tension between you so thick that in the midst of his safety spiel, he paused to ask if everything was okay between you. After a stilted reply of yes, your instructor looked at you both skeptically before carrying on. 

Seeing as Patrick was an athlete who spent his childhood school breaks in Aspen, he was pretty decent at skiing already. Far better than you, a novice who was moving a little bit like a giraffe standing on its feet for the first time. 

While it wasn’t your first time skiing—that had been on a family vacation you’d tagged along on with the Zweigs—you certainly were not experienced enough to be keeping up with Patrick, who had the experience and the ego to give even your instructor a run for his money. 

It was entertaining to watch him in his element, his competitive side coming out despite the fact there was no competition anywhere to be found. He was significantly faster than you wherever you went, and skied with a confidence that you doubted you would ever be able to exhibit. In the past, this behavior may have been slightly endearing to you, but right now, it was mostly a little annoying. 

You and your instructor stood above Patrick, watching him effortlessly glide down the mountain in front of you. If you weren’t so agitated, you might actually have been impressed. As if your instructor was actively reading your mind, he leaned over to say something to you. 

“I think he’s trying to impress you,” he said quietly, though the subject of your conversation was an entire slope away. 

You nearly choked on your own saliva at the observation. “No way.”

“What do you mean no way?” he laughed. “Trust me, I’ve been doing this for years, and I’ve seen it all. Couples, crushes, friends, coworkers. I know posturing when I see it.”

“Trust me, he could care less.”

He looked at you with a doubting squint.  “Why don’t we go down there and ask him?”

“Absolutely not,” you laughed. The thought of asking Patrick anything after the interactions you’d had seemed absolutely ridiculous. At this point, you wouldn’t even ask him what time it was. 

“Sorry. Let me rephrase that. That was me telling you that it’s time for you to go down the slope.”

You looked downhill at where you needed to go, noting that it was far steeper than what you’d been practicing on leading up to this point. You had been looking for an excuse to stall going down it, but now that your instructor had said something about that, you couldn’t not go.

After taking a deep breath, you began to go down. Gaining a bit of speed, you also found yourself growing slightly more confident, closing your eyes and feeling the cold air press against your body. While you were enjoying your speed at first, it was quickly growing out of hand, and you began to panic as you realized just how fast you were going. Desperately trying to pull your skis into a V shape to slow down, you were horrified at the realization that you were far too late, and actively heading towards a cluster of trees. You didn’t know what to do other than to accept your fate, and everything had happened so fast anyway that you found yourself tumbling into a tree, a searing pain on your ankle and tailbone as you laid out on the rocky ground.

Everything felt like it was moving slowly and quickly at the same time. One second, you were alone in the snow, and the next, Patrick and your ski instructor were hovering over you, goggles on their foreheads as they looked at you with concern.

“Are you okay?” you were finally able to make out once the slight ringing in your ears had ceased. 

“Did you see how hard she crashed? Of course she isn’t fucking okay,” Patrick’s voice huffed, though slightly muffled from your helmet covering your ears.

“My ankle,” you said, as if that gave them enough context. You wondered if they could see the tears beginning to pool under your goggles. The pair looked at your limb, though with your snowsuit covering it, they really couldn’t see much. 

“Can you walk?” your instructor asked you. 

“I haven’t tried, but I’m gonna go with no.”

“We’re gonna have someone check you out. Don’t worry, they’ll be here soon,” your ski instructor told you. You blinked a few times and mustered all the strength you could to nod. 

The longer you sat, the more you began to realize how badly everything hurt. From your head down to your surely swollen ankle, you weren’t feeling too hot. You closed your eyes, suddenly feeling very exhausted. Maybe a quick little nap was exactly what you needed to feel a little better.

“Hey, don’t do that. You hit your head pretty hard when you fell, so you might have a concussion.”

“I don’t, I’m just tired,” you explained, though you didn’t know for a fact that it was true. In fact, with the pounding in your head, you more likely than not had a mild concussion. 

“Well, you kinda have to stay awake,” Patrick told you, though he surely knew it was easier said than done. You were surprised when you felt his gloved hand take yours and squeezed your hand softly. “Hey, why don’t you tell us a story?” he suggested, clearly just trying to keep you awake.

“Do you wanna hear the story about how he proposed to me?” you asked the instructor. You weren’t sure why that was the first thing to pop into your head, but it was a long enough story to keep you awake until help arrived. You wished your goggles were slightly less tinted, so you could at least see the scandalized expression Patrick was probably making. You loved when you made him react like that, since the roles were usually reversed. 

“Well, yeah. Of course,” your instructor responded with a hint of a laugh. “You guys are engaged?” he directed towards Patrick.

“This is our honeymoon,” you replied before Patrick had an opportunity to respond. You wished you could see the confused look that your instructor was surely making.

“So what happened?”

“When he proposed?” you asked to clarify. 

“...Sure.”

“Well, for a little context, Patrick here is a professional tennis player. He’s really good too. So given my athletic ability, as you got to see today, I never really played with him. Like, he would always ask me to just play a fun, quick little round and I would always tell him no. Mostly because I knew he would crush me. I did play a little bit back in the day, but I was nowhere near his level. I mostly preferred to be on the sideline while we dated. I mean, I came to every single one of his games. I’m pretty sure my office introduced remote work to us because of me, since I was traveling all the time to see him.

“Anyway, one day, after a day of buttering me up, and I mean, he was really laying it on thick. I don’t know how I didn’t think something was up,” you laughed as you recalled the day, how Patrick had scheduled a nail appointment for you, then wined and dined you during a very romantic midday picnic. “But he asked me to play a little bit of tennis with him. I think I just thought he spent the day buttering me up so that I would play tennis with him, not that I would agree to marry him, but I digress. 

“We get to the tennis court and Patrick’s nervous like I’ve never seen him. He was a little jittery all day, but this was a different beast. Looking back, I really don’t understand why. He should’ve known I was going to say yes. Anyway, we’re playing, and somehow I win, even though I’m extremely rusty and have absolutely awful form. Obviously I knew Patrick threw the match for me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t gonna gloat at him. 

“So I’m doing my victory spiel and I walk over to his side of the court, where he’s digging in his bag. He’s so quiet, which should’ve been a sign that something was up, and I’m thinking he’s about to pull out more tennis balls and tell me we’re doing a rematch, so he can really crush me. Instead, he pulls out a box and gets down on one knee. He gives me a speech about how he didn’t care if he never won another game of tennis in his life, because as long as we were together, he was a winner. It was really sweet. Obviously I said yes.”

You finally looked over at Patrick, though you couldn’t perfectly read his expression through the darkened lens of your goggles. You wondered if he felt any of the same feelings that were currently simmering in your own chest. Though, you didn’t get to stew too long, as help arrived just as your story came to a close. 

You were taken to an infirmary and given a series of tests, some to see the state of your head and other to see how the rest of your body was doing. Surprisingly, you made it out without too much serious damage. Your ankle was sprained, but nothing that would make it take too long to heal. You had a concussion, which surprised you, given your ability to recall so many details earlier in the day, but it was a very mild one. At least you’d made it back into your hotel in one piece. 

You really just wanted to relax for the rest of the evening, and you had plans to do exactly that, when there was suddenly a soft rapping at your door. 

You got up, and with help from the crutches you were provided, you hobbled to the door and opened it. On the other side was Patrick, who you were both surprised and unsurprised to see. 

“Hey. I got your room number from the front desk,” Patrick told you. “Do you mind if I come in?”

“Sure, but I’m probably going to sleep soon,” with some effort, you sidestepped the doorway to let him in.

“Do you need anything? Want anything?” he asked as he made himself at home in your room, evaluating what you already had. 

“I’m good, I think.”

“How’re you feeling? They wouldn’t let me see you at the infirmary.”

“I’ve been better,” you shrugged, sitting down on the foot of your bed to take some pressure off of your aching ankle. 

“I bet. Are you icing that?” he asked, gesturing to your most obvious injury. 

“I haven’t been able to make it out to the ice machine,” you confessed, though the doctor had suggested ice for the inflammation. 

“Let me go grab some for you,” he said before disappearing out into the hallway. Once he left, you laid back in bed, letting out a sigh of relief at how much better being flat felt. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t like being taken care of this way. It seemed like no matter how bad things got between the two of you, you would always care for one another in some capacity. You wondered what had gone through Patrick’s mind when he saw you hurt yourself. You wondered if that changed anything in the way he felt about you. 

He knocked on the door once more to tell you he was back, though the door was already unlocked. 

“If there’s anything else you need, I mean anything at all, just call me. I’m just down the hall from you,” he told you as he bagged up the ice he retrieved. 

He sat down on the foot of the bed, where you’d previously been sitting, and tenderly set the bag of ice on your ankle, clearly not wanting to hurt you any more than you were already hurt. He looked at you a little sadly before standing back up, not wanting to linger in your presence too long. 

“I’ll let you get some sleep,” he explained, already turning to head towards the door. 

“Thanks, Patrick,” you paused, looking for any other words you had for him. “Good night.”

“Night.”

SOMEWHERE IN ITALY

The next few days in Switzerland had been extremely boring. Due to doctor’s orders, you mainly stayed in bed, avoiding screens by reading books, and looking out the window to view the mountains that you were currently missing. 

Although you had to miss a lot of the fun your tour was going on, like a cheese and chocolate tour, you somehow still received an anonymous delivery of cheeses and chocolates—though, you were pretty sure you knew who was responsible for that. 

Patrick didn’t seem like he wanted to overstep any boundaries, which you respected, though you really could’ve used some company whose ear you could talk off. Hell, you’d even take another nasty argument over the resounding silence of your room. 

Luckily for you, by the time your group was traveling once again, you were starting to feel slightly better, concussion and ankle-wise. Though, your head was starting to hurt from listening to a person at the front of the bus go on about how much they needed the bus to pull over somewhere. 

After a period of incessant complaining from someone on your bus, the vehicle finally came to a stop at a small rest stop in the middle of the Italian countryside. 

Not willing to pass up an opportunity to stretch your legs, you got off at the stop, briefly stopping inside the building to look at what they had to offer before stepping behind the building, watching the wind blow through the overgrown weeds. 

Your attempt at enjoying the quiet, idyllic countryside was disturbed when you were joined by a smoking companion. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he said. 

Before you could stop it, a sad smile appeared on your face. The two of you hadn’t spoken since your brief conversation in your hotel room, despite the mystery snack deliveries and the promise of coming if you called.

“I’ve been worried about you,” he said plainly.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” you dismissed. 

“You’ve spent the last few days all alone in a room with a concussion.”

“It’s mild.”

“You fucked up your ankle.”

“It’s healing. It’s not all that bad.”

“Well, I’ve been worried anyway,” he passed you his partially smoked cigarette and you took a drag from it, though you were sure that was one of the things you shouldn’t be doing with a concussion. 

“Thanks, I guess.” you said. “So is this just a wellness check, or…?”

“No, well, yes. Obviously I was worried about you physically, but I also was wondering about how you were in general.”

It was strange to see him clumsily mince his words, given how bold he usually was.

“Oh? What changed between here and Germany?”

“What changed? What changed was that I watched you almost die.”

You laughed aloud at his over dramatization of the event. “Patrick, I did not almost die.”

“How would I have known that? I just saw you flying downhill out of control and crashing and it terrified me. I couldn’t imagine a world without you in it.”

You weren’t sure how you were supposed to interpret his words, especially after the wild ride you’d been on throughout the trip. You weren’t sure you could handle another emotional bait and switch. 

“Pat, maybe we should talk about this later. The bus is probably taking off soon.”

“No,” he stopped you with a hand on your arm, calling you back with a desperation you hadn’t seen in him in a long time. “I don’t want to waste another second without you.”

“Okay,” you said, though you weren’t sure that you should buy into it yet. “Go ahead, then.”

“I can’t keep pretending that I don’t want you or don’t want to be with you,” he confessed, which genuinely took you by surprise. With the way he’d been dodging your attempts at building a connection, you certainly didn’t think he’d tell you something like that. 

“Then why have you been pretending?” you asked, hoping that your somewhat harsh words didn’t betray your genuine curiosity behind his behavior. 

“I don’t know,” he said. It was a terrible, unsatisfying answer. One that didn’t explain a single reason behind his behavior. “I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that anyone would want to keep me around long-term.”

You looked at him with shock in your eyes, your mouth slightly agape at the confession. You couldn’t imagine Patrick, overconfident, bold, and self-assured, who you’d been dating for years, not feeling secure in your relationship–to the point where he’d been actively trying to push you away out of anticipating how you’d feel about him.

“When you told me you weren’t ready to be with me, it just confirmed everything I’d been worried about—that one day you would wake up next to me and realize that I wasn’t the guy you wanted. I guess it just happened sooner than I anticipated.”

You almost couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “If you felt like that, then why’d you tell me you weren’t in love with me anymore?”

“I thought if you were gonna leave me anyway, I might as well beat you to the punch.”

You were giving it your all to keep it together at this point, feeling slightly vindicated to know that Patrick was lying about no longer loving you, but mostly devastated that your whole relationship had been uprooted over an assumption that Patrick had made about you. 

“I… I don’t even know what to say,” you looked out into the grass, then back at Patrick. “I wish you’d stop assuming that you know what I want all the time.”

“Hey you two, last call for the coach,” your tour guide suddenly interrupted, looking very obviously annoyed that the two of you were holding the bus up. 

“Sorry. We’ll head back now,” you apologized to the guide. “We’ll continue this conversation later?” you directed towards Patrick. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

VENICE, ITALY

Putting a hold on your conversation probably wasn’t the wisest idea you’d ever had, considering that your next few days in Italy were set to be your busiest this far. 

Between gondola rides on different boats and exploring historic palaces, the two of you didn’t have much time to stop and have as serious of a talk as you wanted to have. Even if you did somehow manage to pick up where you’d left off, there were so many people around you that it didn’t even feel worth it. 

Luckily for you, your hotel had a private beach attached to it, and as you spent your evening by the beach, watching the sun go down, you were pleased to find that you were joined by familiar company. 

At first, Patrick didn’t say anything as he sat down on the same chair next to you. The two of you enjoyed the serene sunset and privacy that the beach afforded you in silence, though you were sure that things wouldn’t stay that way for long. 

“I love you, you know?” he finally piped up, breaking the silence with a very bold declaration. 

You looked at him calmly, though you weren’t feeling very calm on the inside. You’d been waiting to hear those words from him from the moment that the two of you broke up. You weren’t sure how you were supposed to react to it now, though the confession was better late than never. 

“I love you too. I never stopped,” you told him simply, as if the realization that you were stuck on him hadn’t been haunting you for months now.

“I never did, either. It was cruel of me to ever tell you that I did.”

You nodded in agreement, wondering if Patrick would ever understand the full extent of the damage his words had done to you. “It was, but I understand where you were coming from. If I had known that you didn’t think I was going to stick around, I would’ve gone about what I did differently,” you began to explain. “I think it came across as me not wanting to marry you at all. Of course I wanted to marry you. There was just so much else going on in my life then that the timing didn’t feel right.”

“But the timing might be right someday?” Patrick asked, a hopeful lilt in his voice. 

“The timing will be right someday. Maybe sooner than either of us know,” you shot him a wink, then broke into a grin as he pulled you into a firm, loving embrace. 

ATHENS, GREECE 

The rest of your time in Italy mainly consisted of making up for lost time, with the two of you partaking in far more PDA than what was ever necessary and thoroughly documenting your time abroad together as a couple. 

Thanks to your injury, you were slightly slower than the rest of your group. But that certainly didn’t stop Patrick from lagging along with you, letting you lean on him for support when you needed it and pausing to sit and take breaks with you whenever you noticed that walking was taking too much of a toll on you.

It was nice to be back with him, to not have to feel stupid for feeling what you felt or feel the pressure of knowing that you should probably be trying to move on. The only unfortunate part was how little time the two of you had left on vacation, with you heading home after spending a few days in Athens. If only the two of you had been upfront about your feelings earlier, then you could’ve been having as great of a time as you were having now during your entire trip. 

The two of you briefly floated the idea of having somewhat of a shotgun wedding, but scrapped it after realizing that you would prefer to have your family and friends there to celebrate with you. After all, many of them had been on the emotional rollercoaster that was your relationship right along with you. 

For the time being, the two of you were perfectly content with being together, and knowing that neither of you had any intentions of leaving. 

Somehow, that made your last few days of vacation feel infinitely better. 

ATHENS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

You scrolled endlessly on your phone, sending out a few messages to friends and family to let them know that you were heading back home. While you typically felt a few nerves before boarding a plane anywhere, you couldn’t help but feel a renewed sense of excitement, both at the thought of being able to go back home and sleep in your own bed, and at the potential your newly reformed relationship had. 

Your scrolling was interrupted by Patrick’s presence, carrying a coffee and a breakfast sandwich in his hands with a slightly goofy look on his face. 

“Sorry for taking so long. I think everyone and their mother wanted coffee today,” he explained as he sat down, passing you your items as he got comfortable next to you. 

“No worries. I’m just glad you were running late to grab us breakfast, instead of trying to switch our seats like last time.”

The two of you shared a laugh before Patrick said, “That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“It basically was,” you dismissed. 

Once it was announced that your group was boarding, the two of you stood up quickly, attempting to gather your bearings before getting on the plane. 

“‘Till next time, Europe,” you bid the country goodbye as the two of you made your way to the line. 

“Should we come back to Europe? I was thinking our next honeymoon should be somewhere else. Maybe Bali.”

“Oooh, Bali sounds nice. I think anywhere warm and with a beach is good,” you explained, though you really didn’t care where you went, as long as Patrick was there by your side.

[not-magdi]

"Us, Forever"

Summary: Pablo can't believe how lucky he got with you, he really can't believe it 

Word Count: 1.1k

A/N

I managed to get Corona! The one time I would have had time to write something I got Corona and a Fever that cooked my brain. But, now my test is negative again and my brain is producing ideas like crazy! 

Hope you like this one though,

Love you guys Magdi <3

You didn't know what to think when you saw his pain-filled expression on TV. You sat there, completely frozen, worry the only thing on your mind.   

When you heard his sobs over the phone as he told you how bad it was, your heart shattered into a million pieces. That day made you realise that from that moment on, you had to be the strong one in this relationship. 

It made you realise that he needed you to be the one he could lean on, the one Pablo could let his guard down, somebody that could be strong for him too. So he didn't have to be all the time. 

You made it to your mission to do everything in your power to help him in any way possible. You rebuilt your living room into a bedroom, so he didn't have to go up any stairs. You held him day and night when the pain got too strong, and the only thing he could do was cry. 

"Baby, I'm here ... I'm here for you. Let it all out I got you."

His grip on your hoddie was so hard that his knuckles turned white. You wrapped your arms around him like you wanted to protect him from everything terrible that this world threw at him. 

Pablo felt safe in your arms. Your sent calmed him down. The warmth of your body engulfed him in a comforting manner. 

He buried his face deeper into your neck as he felt his breath starting to slow down again. 

"T-Thank you, I-I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."

You grabbed his head to make him look at you. You assured him, "Hey, it's completely ok to feel like shit sometimes. What you are going through is nothing easy. Sometimes you just have to let it all out." 

Kissing his head, you stand up to grab something to eat for the two of you. Seeing that it was already 6 in the morning, you decided to start the day, knowing you two wouldn't fall asleep anymore. 

Pablo kept lying on the couch. The pain in his knee was now only a dull ache. He sat up a bit to be able to see you rummaging through his kitchen drawers, trying to find something to eat.

An unconscious smile makes its way onto his face. He can't get his head around how you are willing to do all of this for him. Like he really doesn't know what he would do without you. You'd do everything for him, he doesn't even have to ask for it. 

But it scared him that you wanted to help him so much. It frightened him that one day, you could wake up and realise how much work it was to be in a relationship with him. And that you would leave him because of that.

Realistically, something like that would never happen, but he was a chronicle overthinker, so let him be. 

When you came back from the kitchen with two plates in your hand, you sensed something was bothering him, but you wanted him to tell you on his own. 

You two ate your breakfast in silence, it was a weird kind of silence. You felt that Pablo wanted to tell you something the whole time, but nothing came. He just sat there and played around with his food. 

"You not hungry?" 

Looking like a child who got caught doing something stupid, he shakes his head and lowers his gaze again, not able to hold eye contact with you for so long. 

Thinking he wouldn't say anything at all. You were about to say something when you heard him say. "How do you do it?" 

Confused, you look at him. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean, like ... like how do you keep up with me?" 

Your confusion didn't get any better. You looked up from your plate and saw Pablo already staring at you, a curious yet slightly sad expression on his face. 

Pablo noticed your confused expression and continued to talk. 

" I mean, how can you keep up with literally having to be my server? You are cancelling your plans to stay home with me and do everything to keep me comfortable. You put my life before yours. Why do you do that? I-I don't understand. "

You loved him deeply and didn't see your efforts as a burden. It was natural for you to do what you could to help him. You couldn't enjoy yourself while he was suffering because it felt wrong to you.

Your silence made Pablo panic a bit, maybe he made you realise that you didn't want to live like that. What if you were actually sick of him needing care 24/7 now? 

Your voice interrupted his inner monologue, " I have no clue, to be honest. It's just - the second I heard you were injured, I felt like I had to take care of you, to help you somehow." 

You took a second to think of your following words. "When I heard you crying on the phone that day, I just felt the need to protect you, to take care of you. I know that you are a capable individual who can handle things on your own, but I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. When you care about someone deeply, it's natural to want to do everything in your power to ensure their well-being. So, even though I trust your abilities, I just want to remind you that I'm here for you if you ever need help or support. Your happiness and safety mean everything to me, and I'll always do my best to make sure you're feeling okay."

Hearing Pablo sniff made you stop your rambling and look at him. 

"Dios mio, these medications make me emotional." 

Pablo let out a wet chuckle as he wiped his tearing eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. 

You smiled at the boy before you and leaned down to place a kiss on his red nose. "I don't care, I love you one tear more or less isn't gonna change that."

"I love you too, so so much." 

[thedomesticanthropologist]

As a person with sexual trauma I actually really Vibe with the Drow Scene at the Brothel with Astarion and I wanna talk about my own experience to show how I relate.

When I'm not the one initiating, all sexual or romantic or intimate contact gets immediately translated into assault by my brain. That means if my partner of 18 years gropes my boob in the morning with a tired, affectionate grab, I may get caught off guard and snap, accusing them of crossing boundaries or otherwise "over" reacting, wherein I have to back peddle as soon as I can back off and secure myself mentally and physically out of reach.

But. If I am in the mood, I will crawl all over my partner, I'll touch, I'll invite touch, everything from gentle to rough- unless I get triggered. If I get triggered, I'll shut down halfway through whatever is going on. Mentally, I'll find myself in an escapist fantasy that is also sexual, change the partner that I'm with or who I am in my head, but my body tends to go kind of numb, I tend to go kind of limp. However,

During these situations, it doesn't always mean I want my partner to stop. It's frustrating for me to have these reactions, but I can get really upset if my partner backs off when I want to see the act "through" even if I'm not "in it". And that becomes a discussion of consent, as well as a really complex mental gymnastics situation where my partner has to decide if they want to continue when I'm kinda checked out, and I have to decide if I want to continue too.

Sometimes if my partner decides to stop because I'm not having fun, I can get angry. At myself, at them. It's not rational, it's angry at "the situation" and not them. Maybe I want to see you finish, but maybe I'll cry afterward.

The point with the Drow and Astarion is he wanted to try,he promised he would dip out if he didn't want to see it through, and he dissociated midway and didn't dip out like he said he would. This is sooooo real. Sometimes I don't want to stop even when I feed Bad and it's going Bad. That's a WHOLE can of worms for sexual trauma survivors and I know some people will resonate with it.

Maybe it'll affect what choices he makes next time. Maybe he won't try an orgy again. Maybe he will, and maybe it'll go bad again, but maybe he wants to explore even when things go bad. Or maybe he will go celibate for two years and not even want your hand on his unclothed skin, but he still wants you to be with him.

I'm just saying it's messy. Sexual trauma is messy. The mental parts and the physical parts. It may make your partner unsure because you switch on a dime, you're unpredictable, some things you want wholeheartedly one moment set you off in the negative the next.

I'd love to see more exploration of how hard his journey with himself could be on Tav, honestly, because people are being SO CAREFUL in their writing with making sure they don't make a single "mistake" in supporting Astarion, and it's sooooo sweet but

Give me messy. Give me grey area. Give me hurt feelings and miscommunication and bad moods and meltdowns. It's realistic, and it's okay to write about these things. //Yes you can reblog this

[eternal-kosmo-ghoul]

Gimme your most stupid ghoul headcanons possible, like Sodo is scared of idk dust particles or something funny.

“silly ghoul headcanons”

Synopsis: It’s in the title you silly goose. Just the ghouls with their silly little shenanigans

Pairing: Nameless ghouls (platonic or romantic) x GN!reader (they/them)

Theme: fluff ✿ , crack ✦

A/N: Heres my first fanfic to my Ghost blog! I gotta thank my bestie for making this request despite the silliness in it. I hope you guys enjoy it because I certainly had fun writing it. I might make a separate version for the ghoulettes cause I love my girlies <33

I also decided to add Aether in this one cuz I love him, remember to respect both him and Phantom as ppl because we don’t support that negativity and hate 🫡

TW: Swiss and Sodo joke about sex but it’s because they’re Swiss and Sodo

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Sodo, oh dear Sodo. He can be such a silly ghoul sometimes

He likes to act like he’s all tough and that he’s hot shit, but some of his habits you can’t help but laugh at

For starters, Sodo is the type of ghoul to be scared of really dumb stuff. Take hamsters for example

Sodo has this really inexplainable fear of hamsters. One day you picked up a cute little hamster from the pet store, and he hissed and erupted in flames the moment you brought it near him

“Sodo its just a hamster—“

“GET THAT THING’S FILTHY PAWS AWAY FROM ME.”

Aether once pranked him by putting a bunch of hamsters in his closet and he let out the most unmanly scream ever, it was funny

Oh and we all know Sodo has a habit of slapping people’s asses

It’s basically his trademark at this point

But there was this one particular time where he tried to slap your ass, but he somehow missed and accidentally slapped Copia’s ass instead

Needless to say, he spent a good while trying to explain to the unamused Papa that he didn’t mean to slap him, but the other pair of cheeks that was in front of him in that moment

He once played Five Nights At Freddy’s and he had nightmares about Freddy for a whole week

No joke, he once thought that Swiss was Freddy because he was so disoriented from a previous nightmare and he socked the poor guy in the nose

You forced him to apologize to Swiss after that

I imagine he’s also the type of ghoul to write stupid little messages and graffiti with a sharpie on his fellow ghouls faces

He once made you help him literally knock out Aether just so he could write “number one cocksucker” in big bold letters on his forehead

Needless to say, you two got chased around by the angry ghoul who was holding a fly swatter for a whole ten minutes

Also we all know damn well this man has a dirty mind

Like have you seen him on stage? Of course he does

He has a habit of slipping in sexual jokes and in innuendos every now and then, because he snickers when seeing people’s reactions

Though there was this one time where he made a comment about your ass and he got slapped across the face

Idk Sodo has a weird obsession with your ass

He has toned down on the jokes, but that doesn’t stop him from slipping up every now and then. And it’s quite obvious he won’t stop with those jokes anytime soon

Rain is such a sweetie and we all know that

But sometimes he can be a little bit of a menace, even to you and his fellow bandmates

To start things off, we all know Rain is a clumsy little guy

Like he’s a walking talking disaster with trails of chaos in his wake. He can hold a glass for someone and drop it like not even ten seconds later

Well there was this one time where you were giving him strumming techniques for the next upcoming ritual

Sodo tapped him on the shoulder from behind to ask him for something. When Rain turned around he accidentally slapped Sodo in the face with the neck of his bass guitar

Sodo then stumbled back in pain and literally destroyed Mountain’s drum set. You were just standing there processing what just happened, and Copia just looked… disappointed.

Rain also collects a lot of plushies

He has a literal pile of squishmallows in the corner of his room. Sometimes he likes to bury himself in that little nook of his room.

He made a little pillow fort in that area for him to snuggle in. Sometimes he’ll invite you to come and watch movies with him in there

However he once impulsively bought so many plushies so they were all flooding his room. You opened the door to his room and they all came flooding out, with a very euphoric Rain on top of them

“…. Rain what are you doing?”

“Feeling great. Thank you, Y/N.”

You helped him organize all of those little plushies in his room afterwards, even giving some of them to Phantom (who was new at the time) as a little “welcome home” gift

As a water ghoul, Rain naturally enjoys water

However he has this really cute habit of splashing around in pools/tubs like he’s a bird in a birdbath, but he gets embarrassed about this fact because the ghouls tease him for it

You once caught him playing around in the a storm in such a manner, it was so cute seeing him so happy and enjoying himself

The minute he spotted you, he immediately got all embarrassed and shy, but you reassured him it was all good and that it was fine to be excited about water

Needless to say, he’s a lot more comfortable showing off that side to you now

Oh Mountain. Sweet sweet darling Mountain

Like Rain, Mountain is a sweetie. However he tends to have his silly moments.

I’d like to imagine that Mountain often bumps his head on doorframes or walks

The fucker is really tall, I mean it’s hard to not hit something along the way.

So he has a habit of sticking his hand over his forehead to avoid bumping into anything, the poor guy

I’d also like to imagine that Mountain had that light skin stare

Like he doesn’t even mean to look creepy. He just… has a habit of zoning out, so therefore he looks like he’s staring into your soul

Though this does make him really good at staring contests. One time Swiss challenged him, and they lasted for ten minutes

Swiss needed eye drops after that

Also he deadass looks like a sleep paralysis demon when he stands

One night you couldn’t sleep so you went to the kitchen to get something to eat. Mountain happened to hear the noise your footsteps were making, so he went to check up on you

He was just standing in the doorframe… staring at you, making sure you were okay while you grabbed something from the fridge

Needless to say, when you turned around, you dropped Swiss’s leftover cheesecake you were gonna eat upon seeing the tall earth ghoul in the doorframe

Also your scream was loud as FUCK

“MOUNTAIN WHAT IN HELL— YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK! Why didn’t you say anything!?”

“… I don’t know. At least you’re okay.”

He apologized to you afterwards and promised to not accidentally spook you. Because for a moment you swore you saw the hat man

Mountain also rarely gets mad, the dude is as passive as a sheep

But the moment he gets angry… hide your children

The dude is scary as hell. Like, he’s even got Papa on his knees begging for mercy

There was one particular day during practices where Sodo and Aether were arguing a little too much. It’s normal for them to banter, but this particular day was getting out of hand

Everyone was already getting upset with them, even with Papa telling the two ghouls you knock it off, but of course they wouldn’t

Well, they didn’t until a drum from Mountain’s drum set came hurling towards both ghouls. Making the fire ghoul and quintessence ghoul yelp and duck instinctively

No one had noticed the fuming earth ghoul sitting in the corner up until that point. Everyone was speechless. Your jaw was on the floor even

Needless to say, Mountain apologized yet again, but now everyone knew not to fuck with Mountain after that

Swiss is an… interesting specimen.

For starters he was accidentally summoned,

He was summoned at the same time as Aether. And they bonked heads upon getting summoned

It was rather funny seeing Papa being so confused as to why the ritual spell summoned two ghouls, and seeing said two ghouls yell at each other for bonking heads

But it all worked out because after Swiss showed off that he can literally do fucking anything, Papa just let him stay

And Swiss was the perfect flare of spice to add to Ghost, and he’s a sweet ghoul to be around

But that doesn’t stop him from being a literal menace to society

Swiss has a really strange habit of breaking into people’s rooms and just jumping on their beds to wake them up

All while he’s obnoxiously telling them to get up, much to the other’s annoyance

You once threw him across the room for waking you up, and Swiss was just laughing so hard on the floor when he saw your reaction

Since he’s quite literally known as the Swiss Army Ghoul, he’s good at almost everything.

Including cooking. He likes to cook a lot of meals for the people living in the ministry

Bro even has a stereotypical pink “kiss the cook” apron, he got it as a birthday gift from you

But the “cook” part is crossed out with a red sharpie and instead Swiss replaced with “dick”

Why? Because it’s fucking Swiss.

He also made it a point to bake everyone’s birthday cakes, but he’ll slip in something stupid to be funny

One time Cirrus was cutting her birthday cake and she got a whole ass doll head in there, which left her very confused

Swiss isn’t allowed to make people’s birthday cakes anymore because of that

Also sometimes Swiss will get high out of nowhere

No one knows what the fuck he’s doing because this ghoul is all over the place, but when he’s high he says the most out of pocket stuff

There was this one time he messaged the ghoul group chat while taking an edible saying “this edible is weak as shit.”

But then right after that message, he attached a picture of you and sent it with the caption “I’ve always wanted to fuck them.”

You could hear Sodo’s laughter from his room after that.

And when Swiss got sobered up, you asked him about the message, but bro literally refuses to acknowledge he sent it

“Swiss did you send that message from earlier—“

“No.”

“Then who did?”

“The hat man.”

“THE WHAT MAN?!”

“Oh so this suddenly isn’t a safe space?”

Ah Aether. We all love Aether. I mean who doesn’t?

We all know how much of a little psycho Aether can be, but he’s a lovable psycho that just exerts a lot of fun energy

That doesn’t stop him from being a little fucker however

He likes to pull a lot of pranks with Swiss, Sodo unfortunately being his main target

So there was this one time he asked you to help him prank the poor fire ghoul, and you said yes because you felt like messing with Sodo

(And also partly because you were kinda pissed with him due to the fact that he ate your leftovers)

So the prank was to put a bunch of sticky notes in Sodo’s room that all read “big cock energy” (because of course it did)

However during the process of putting the sticky notes in the room, Sodo walked in on two idiotic fools, those fools being you and Aether of course

And it’s safe to say that for a solid twenty minutes, the two of you were running around the ministry with an angry flaming fire ghoul hot on your trail, giggling like little children

(Sodo spared you, but Aether wasn’t so lucky)

“SODO PLEASE SPARE ME— WHY SPARE Y/N?!?!!”

“Because I hate them less than you, NOW C’MERE—“

Aether once fell asleep with a rotten ass banana peel

Like no joke— you once walked in his room to ask for something and his whole room STANK of rancid and rotten banana

And Aether was just sitting there, confused as to why you looked like you were about to throw up on his bedroom floor

Rain had to fucking disinfect the room (with a gas mask because it smelled that bad)

Oh and you Rain breaks things? Aether is so much worse

He once tried to clean up Swiss’s mic stand for an upcoming tour and the damn thing just- fell apart

Swiss was more bewildered than upset, because how in hell does that happen?

You literally do not let him touch your equipment because he’s gonna somehow find a way to break it all

When Aether departed from Ghost you were very sad

But then he messaged the group chat with this message “I’ll miss all of you fuckers. Be nice to the new ghoul, love all of you <33 (except for you Sodo, fuck you)”

Sodo then bursted out of his room tackling Aether, but it was more so out of love rather than being an ass

Needless to say, you all still keep in touch with Aether

Phantom!!! We all love Phantom here

Since he was newer and the one of the more recently summoned ghouls, he had a hard time fitting in

But you and the other ghouls thankfully made him feel welcome, even if it took a little more time for some other ghouls to get used to him

And because of that, it didn’t take long for Phantom to start joking in the ghoul chaos

He is literally a walking meme

Phantom is the type of guy to quote old vines and also keep up with any meme trends

Part of being the youngest ghoul I guess

He often confuses Papa with his little antics (because he’s an old man), and you’re just silently laughing at Papa’s reactions to Phantom

Also Phantom has a habit of holding things weirdly

You thought it was just his guitar? Bestie no, the dude is holding things the wrong way all the time but still somehow makes it work

Like— he holds onto a pen like it’s about to grow a pair of legs and run out of his hand, but he still somehow has the most beautiful cursive handwriting there is

“…. Phantom— what are you doing? You’re holding that pen like it’s a—“

“Hush, Y/N. I’m writing everything I want for Christmas this year.”

Phantom can also be a bit of a nerd sometimes

Like— you know those kids in school that are so dorky and have that awkward teenager energy? But you can’t be annoyed at them because they’re so cute? Yeah, that’s Phantom

Man’s will ramble about the most nerdy thing so passionately that you can’t help but listen, it’s cute seeing him get all excited over… legos or something

Oh and if someone dares to insult his passion he will spread legos all over their room

(Poor Swiss was a victim of that unfortunately)

Oh yeah he almost once accidentally vacuumed Copia’s pet rat

The dude was just trying to clean up his room, and one of the little fuckers scurried in his room, and the rat’s tail got stuck in the vacuum

Phantom’s high pitched scream upon realization was enough to have you bolting in the room to check in on the poor ghoul

And you were met with the sight of Phantom desperately trying to pull out a screaming rat from the vacuum while the ghoul was on the verge of tears because he didn’t want to get scolded

You ended up helping him because no one wants to see Phantom sad

And it’s safe to say Copia now has one pet rat with no tail.

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[bitterchocoo]

Hey ! I have seen you write for Twisted Wonderland ?👀

Can I ask for Ignihyde or Diasomnia students with a boy [friend or not, you choose] who is like Sherlock (from BBC if you have watch) ? I just know he will try to understand how overblot work and why there is a lot of overblot-

Ignore it if you don't want to write it ! And have a good day ! Or night ? Idk when you will see it (if you see it)-

The Game is On!

Ignihyde Students | M. Reader as Sherlock Holmes [BBC]

----------

"I’m not a psychopath, Anderson. I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research!"

----------

The day [Name] Holmes has entered Night Raven College was the day Azul had become even richer.

Ever wonder if your crush likes you back? Or maybe you wanted to know yourself better? Or perhaps you wanted to know if your partner's cheating on you? Well look no further than the Mostro Lounge!

Being stranded in a different universe, [Name] merely sees it as an opportunity to gain more information and funding. This whole new world is so much more interesting than his previously awfully predictable world.

Which then led to Ignihyde's Housewarden's first encounter with the high-functioning sociopath. At first Idia found it skeptical that someone could have the ability to see right through everything and anything. Until [Name] had read him like an open book in their first meeting.

To say that Idia was traumatized by the sudden exposure is an understatement. But after calming down, he can't help but think on how similarly [Name] acts with one of the characters in the anime he watched. Cough Moriarty the Patriot cough. But nonetheless, the two of them soon bonded and became close with one another.

Before long, [Name] was introduced to Ortho and his interest was immediately peeked by Idia's "younger brother."

Although school life is as boring as his world's. It's just the same thing but with magic and stuff... but all of a sudden these things called "Overblot" showed up? Oh he got to know what this is about right away!

----------

Idia Shroud

"Um.."

"Shh."

He instantly shut up the moment he was hushed by the other. Just when he decided to leave his room and visit the Ramshackle for a change. Idia was greeted by a sight he never thought he would ever see in his life! [Name] pacing around his room with two hands together placed underneath his chin and the elephant in the room.. His room was filled with papers and stings attracted on the walls!

Idia thought that his room is messy but this is just on another level!

Newspapers, printed out articles, [Name] own illedgiment handwriting, etc. Every single wall is covered in it with some strings connecting some parts.

This thing. This "Overblot."

Why did it happen? Is it because of intense emotions? Negative or positive? Does it really matter? And why do they show up in a blob, ink-like thing? The stain on the gems of their pens? Is this common? Or are they something one has to go through once in their lives? Like puberty? So many questions. So little time.

Idia could only sit and watch as [Name] drove himself insane. He knew that S.T.Y.X. is also trying to figure this whole Overblot out too. But seeing how unhinged [Name]'s acting while also trying to figure out the same thing his family is doing is just concerning. It drove Idia to the edge just how... [Name]'s acting..

There's a thin line between inquiry and insanity. And [Name] is using that line like a freaking jump rope!

----------

Ortho Shroud

[Platonic]

The day the high-functioning sociopath saw Ortho. His interest is peeked. A robot? That acts like a human? Even back in his world this would've taken years maybe even centuries to accomplish with how incompetent the human kind is! Therefore, [Name] would ask Ortho multiple questions within the span of a minute. I live for Sherlock's rapid fire deductions and questioning.

And how [Name] loved it when Ortho answered each and every question without him needing to repeat himself nor explain it. Ortho's happy to help whenever he can! He was so happy that his brother made a friend!

Whenever he saw [Name] pacing around like a mad man. Ortho tries to help by either reducing [Name]'s burden and helping him to make deductions and hypotheses or by simply bringing snacks and reminding him to rest.

While Idia looks at [Name] with a nervous and unsure expression. Ortho steps in by suggesting that maybe he should rest. "[Name] maybe you should take a nap! If you do, your productivity will go up by 10℅ or maybe even more! And since you're energized, you could be more focused and—"

"I'll rest once I've figured this out."

Oh boy. This is going to be a long day for the three of them huh..

[opbackgrounds]

With all respect, you sound weirdly over the top with this one Nami side-plot and demand way more coherency of it than anything else in the manga. You treat Sanji's love-heart gags way more seriously than Nami's abuse gags (or Luffy's eating ones or Chopper's infoptency ones), too. It sounds like a really bad-faith reading tbh. [For example, the dress line fits with Nami's fashion obsession which has legit reasons and her being used to being taken advantage of is literally her origin story, but you pretend like those readings don't exists?]

Well, firstly, this is my reading of the manga. I'm not going to go out of my way to think of how other people might interpret a scene, because that's not what I'm doing here.

Secondly, I've been very vocal about other storylines I don't like, including Chopper being incompetent, but the subplot with Absalom has been the most sustained bit of bad writing in the manga. It's going to get more attention, because there's more of it. There will be more negativity in the future when I get to other things I don't like. Fans of Punk Hazard, you have been warned.

Thirdly, if I've given the Absalom-Sanji-Nami story a bad-faith reading, you've given a bad faith reading of my analysis. My issue isn't and never has been Sanji's love-sick chivalry--I wouldn't have defended his fight against Kalifa during Enies Lobby otherwise--it is the tonal dissonance between the subject matter being displayed and the character's reaction to it. I even praised the parts of his fight with Absalom that highlight his self-sacrificial nature, even if it makes him act ridiculous such as taking a stab wound to avoid getting blood on Nami's wedding dress. That's silly, but it's the sort of exaggeration that suits the series, and fits in the same category as Nami hitting the boys when she's annoyed with them.

Like Hogback, Absalom's actions are coded with the language of male obsession and objectification, sexual assault, and rape. Both characters only only care for the objects of their obsessions because of their victim's physical attractiveness. The implication is Hogback gave Cindry a post-mortem boob job. Nami literally gets attacked while she's bathing. They're very similar characters, so I think it's fair to ask why they're treated so differently by the narrative.

I also said that I believe the marriage subplot could have been written in a way that's more innocent and lighthearted, but Oda merrily skipped over the line once he included the imagery of sexual assault. That is my line in the sand, and it is absolutely a black mark on both Sanji and the series as the whole that Oda decided to highlight the similarities between he and Absalom instead of their differences. It moves the character from chivalrous dweeb to sex pest, and it's a decision he's doubled down on many times as the series progresses.

Nami being okay with being forcibly changed into a wedding dress after being drugged into unconsciousness by someone who tried to attack her because she "is fashion obsessed" is patently absurd, as is her being "used to it" because of her past. What I was trying to express is that it would have been nice if Nami had gotten as angry at what Absalom did to her as she did when Lola was attacked. Perhaps I didn't express myself well in that regard, but all in all I stand by my criticisms.

[tubborucho]

A LOVE LETTER TO QSMPBLR

I saw my mutuals write those and decided that I also want to say a few words.

My whole life I loved being part of the communities. I’ve been heavily into fandoms since I was 10, and now 12 years later I can firmly state that QSMPblr community is definitely in my personal top 3 of all the fandoms I have been in.

It’s been such a fun and emotional and thrilling journey with so many ups and downs and I would never refuse to repeat it all over again. I met so many wonderful and incredible people because of this server that I can’t thank the universe enough.

All of my mutuals and followers made most of my 2023 so happy, and continue to do so in 2024, and I really need this joy with everything that happens outside the community itself.

(I am sorry this text is all over the place, I am struggling with concentration atm)

And I am so elated and a bit surprised for how many of you I became one of the favorites blogs here. I mean, I jumped from barely 150 followers to around 820 since september, and it’s all thanks to having so much fun liveblogging and theorizing with all of you.

Despite everything, I think Purgatory 1 was my favorite ever time period here. Yes, there was a lot of frustration and negativity but I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a comradery as back then, with my fellow Soulfire mains. I was in the post limit jail every single day, because I just could not stop chatting with all of you and reblogging incredible posts.

I also hold very dearly the moment, where Bad showed Tubbo the Soulfire Base Recreation. But the main reason is not even that this happened, but the fact that so many people on tumblr, in dms and even in Bad’s chat were LOOKING FOR ME, because they knew how much I’ve waited for that to happen. It was just so heartwarming to wake up to dozens of messages and mentions. I struggle with ‘nobody really cares if i am here or not’ syndrome a lot, so it made my day to see that people do.

I also want to say special thanks to some of you (even though each and single one of you deserve a separate paragraph). Under the cut:

@qtubbo and @mikaikaika. I love both of you so much, our 247 crew maybe on a kinda hiatus, but every moment we spent together is so special to me. We had so much fun, and I couldn’t ask for the batter gang to gash about the lore and cool posts together.

@lionheartedmusings. I am pretty sure you do not open tumblr these days, but if or when you see this: I am so glad that I got a chance to be your friend. We held so many incredible discussions together, and I am so proud to see your success and happy to be at least a small part of it.

@ultra-raging-ghost @dappersautismcreature @born-in-hell @comradeboyhalo @bigboobyhalo @mangofanarts @haloberry @halo-chainsaw @kadextra @skullhalo @aesthetic-gem and all the other ghosties here. Man, ghosties and tubblings alliance is honestly the best thing that ever happened to this community, and I loved all of your posts and liveblogging of Bad’s lore even when I didn’t have a clue what’s happening. You are all so smart and so great, ghosties never deserved all the hate them and the streamer got, I will fight for you always.

@terezicaptor you always match my freak. and that’s everything anyone in the fandom can ever ask for.

@itsbebebrainrotting @cheese-water @soulfireblue @galatoma @phatcatphergus @angelpaperclip @an0nfr0mth3d3n @flojouno @dozyrogue @charliecuntcicle @sweetmoons @kqluckity @h3xt0r @wackytheorist thank you for everything, i see you in my notes very often and most of you posted a lot about soulfire (which are always bonus points from me ahaha), and i am very glad you are here💛

@sweetie-peaches @routeriver @snopiah @thepenguisalive7 @piecanl @shumistar @diornies @flowerquib YOUR ART MY GOD YOUR ART OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MYGOD SO GOOD SO INCREDIBLE OH MY GOD

@etoilesbienne and @pommunist i think both of you have the most based takes, and i almost feel smarter when i read your serious posts.

I definitely missed some people I would love to thank, but honestly, as I said, all of you deserve a special thank you. So if you read this, you are awesome and I love you.

I am not leaving the fandom. But it’s always nice to appreciate people around you.

💛💛💛

[cupoftaae]

Hello! your writing is such a comfort to me, and Im a sucker for domestic, fluffy type shit to be honest. could you do something cute like reader is pregnant and tae like journals and vlogs all the time because hes so excited? Was gonna write something like this but I dont think I could do it justice.

uhg this is so cute omg. Thank you for reading my work and im so glad it can offer some comfort, thats such a sweet thing to say :(

I hope you enjoy! <3

warnings- swearing, mentions of pregnancy

ladybug - KTH (drabble)

Saturday, june 11th, 2022

Taehyung set his phone down on the desk as it recorded him, he smiled and jokingly waved. "hello, today is.." he leans to check the date, "June 11th, its Saturday and the time is 4:54pm. Y/N is in the bathroom taking another pregnancy test because she is now a week late" he laughed and spun side to side in his chair. "I dont know why, but...I have a really weird feeling about this one, a weird but good feeling" he smiled and looked down. The past year has been very exhausting mentally for the both of you. After getting married, you both knew you wanted to have children right away, but your body didn't get the memo.

It was purely negative after negative, to the point where you refused to even take any tests for 3 months...up until now. Taehyung knew he wanted to journal your journey so that years from now you both could look back on the firsts of parenthood. He wrote down everything, from the good days to even the ugly ones, every appointment, every test, everything was in his notebook, and he was hoping that today would be *the* entry, he had a feeling it would be, so he decided on filming it just in case.

"ok, we have to wait 5 minuets" your voice is heard off camera as Taehyung looks up and across the room at you, "Ok" he smiles, waving you over. "cmere"

you nervously walk over as he places you onto his lap, long arms draping around your waist as you exhale. "filming?" you asked, watching him nod. "Do you want me not to?" he asked, "no, its fine, but what if its negative again?" you sigh and turn your body so your back is to the phone.

"then i can just delete it like the other ones" he ran his hand up and down your back, attempting to soothe you best he could. He was in his whole little nervous energy world right now and couldn't imagine how you were feeling, it had been months since the last test, and you werent sure you could take another hit with the reminder that your body isnt working.

It seemed like you had been waiting forever, tae had paused the camera 3 minuets after you came out, playing with your hair as you remained silent, hand in his. Your phone alarm could be heard from the bathroom once the long wait had ended. You, in that moment, wish you had another 5 minuets, because the second the alarm filled the air, your heart has stopped. "Im nervous" you whisper, standing up slowly as taehyung followed. "I know sweetheart, but we won't know unless we look, yeah?" he cupped your face gently, thumbs caressing your cheeks as he pressed a soft kiss to your lips.

You led him into the bathroom with you, "Wait dont turn it yet" he giggled and ran back to his phone he had left in the bedroom. You stared down at the upside-down test which sat on the edge of the sink, feeling your pulse in your ears. Once your husband returned, he closed the door and set up the filming, setting it a bit against the mirror as it faced you both. "dont be nervous, whatever it is, we will get through it ok?" he soothed, hugging you tightly and swaying a bit. It had been a few moments of preparation and deep breathing before finally feeling confident. "Ok ...im ready" you nodded, making him smile, "yeah?", he lifted the test, not flipping it yet. "yeah, but....you need to read it because I think I'll throw up if I do" you laughed, hiding your face in his chest as he breathed out, counting down in his head before finally flipping it.

"what does it say?" you whispered, fingers lightly gripping his t-shirt. Taehyung giggled nervously, "angel, Im not too good at reading these types of test....I-..I dont know if you are pregnant or not"

You let yourself smile at your husbands antics, pulling away to face the test, eyes widening. "baby..."

"what? is it negative?"

"Baby...two lines means pregnant, im pregnant." you turned to him, "Im pregnant" you whisper, taehyung not fully registering it until a few seconds after, head looking back down at the test.

"youre pregnant....." he looked back to you before a smile creeped onto his face, pulling you over and gently lifting you into his arms as tears escaped both of your eyes. there was no talking, just quiet (happy) crying, and touches and squeezes of love and emotion.

He finally set you back down and held your face. "Finally, damnit" you joke, making him laugh as he leans down to kiss you. "we are gonna be parents, baby. It is happening" he cooed sincerely, your hand wiping at his tears. you nodded, "its happening"

He kneeled down and lifted your shirt, his cold hands against your still flat stomach. "hi there" he whispered, making you cry even more as your hand ran through his hair. "we just found out about you, but mommy and daddy already love you so much" he kissed above your navel and held you close.

"Im so glad we got that on camera, fuck" you laughed as he stood up, wiping a tissue under your eyes. "I know!!" he sniffled and kissed you again. "god, I fucking love you"

"I love you too"

Tae picked the camera up and held it to both of your faces, making you giggle a bit. "welcome to the adventures of two 20 something year olds figuring out how to be parents, tune in next week for 'realizing we are too poor for this'" tae finished, shutting the camera off as you laughed and gently slapped his chest.

You sighed contently as he walked back into the bedroom with you, already becoming clingy with just the way he holds you. "this explains so much" you sit in thought, "I thought my period was coming because I was crying so much last week over everything but I guess not"

Taehyung smiled and crawled onto the bed next to you, hand rubbing your stomach. "oh my god, Taehyung, I had wine 2 days ago" you frown, grasping his hand. "im sure its okay, my mom used to have some wine when she was pregnant with me, and I think im okay" he smiled at you, his eyes scanning over your features lovingly. "dont stress, sweet girl, you are gonna be a mommy. We will plan an appointment this week and Ill be there for you ok? I promise" he kissed your hand as you looked up. "I love you so much"

"I love you more"

--

Thursday, November 20th, 2022

You had taken back everything you said about first trimester being the worst. Second trimester had absolutely everything to despise, and you realized it more each time you began to outgrow an article of clothing.

"theres mama" taehyung smiled brightly as he walked out of his office and into the living room with his camera, filming you on the couch. "shes wearing my sweatpants" he whispered and sat down, flipping the camera to the both of you. You pouted and looked at him, "baby I dont wanna be filmed, i look really gross" you sigh, "No you dont, you look sexy" he teased before shutting the phone off.

"are you still dizzy?" he asked, hand gently rubbing your thigh. "a little...but not as much"

the dizziness you've experienced since the second trimester has been the cause of worry for the past few weeks, despite your doctor telling you its normal.

"Just stay here, chill out and drink water" he smiled and got up to refill your water.

"I hate sitting down all day, its annoying" you huff, laying against the pillow. "I know baby, I know, but its not like your being lazy, you are creating a whole human, its a lot of work mama." he spoke, shutting the fridge to see the ultrasound photo hanging on the door.

You smile at him as he walks over, thanking him for the water. "Do you need anything else?" he asks, hand rubbing your slightly bigger stomach. You wouldn't have guessed you were almost 6 months pregnant, your bump has remained relatively small throughout the entire pregnancy, which you were thankful for, however it seemed like the weight just travelled to other parts of your body, like your feet.

"can you just lay with me?"

"of course baby" he moved to lay behind you, pulling you against him as you both watched tv, his hand finding its familiar place against your stomach, feeling soft flutters, something thats been occurring more recently.

"little ladybug is awake" he whispered and kissed your shoulder. You laugh and place your hand atop of his. You two had never figured out the gender, wanting to be surprised until they made their arrival, but Taehyung had a habit of calling the baby by "ladybug" ever since last month when you two laid outside and a small ladybug found its way to rest on top of your bump. He, of course, wrote the whole thing down in his journal as it happened.

Taehyung deep down didnt care the gender of his child, but he really wanted a little girl. A mini you. He wanted to take care of and protect his princesses all the time, and he so desperately wanted to make you both happy.

--

2 months later

You had woken tae up around 4am with severe cramping and back pain, he joined you on the floor in the bathroom as he placed a cold cloth on your neck. "just breathe, sweetheart." he sighed, trying to calm you down.

"What if they are coming early? Its too soon tae, and I-"

"shh, everything will be ok. You and ladybug are ok" he kissed your head. "Do you want to go to the ER?" he whispers, watching you nod as he helps you up carefully.

he helped you slip on your sneakers before getting into the car as he began driving to the hospital. "It doesnt feel like, I dont know how to explain.." you mumble, taking deep breathes

"What do you mean, love?"

"It doesnt feel normal and Im afraid something is wrong. Ive never felt this befor- ah!" you whine and hunch in pain as tae holds onto your hand and whispers soft words, promising he is driving as quick as he can.

Once he had helped you into the hospital, the doctor made him wait in the waiting room until they figured out what was the issue. Half an hour of leg bouncing, lip picking, and deep breathing later, a nurse finally stepped into the room to alert him of the situation. "Mr.Kim?" she asks, walking over as he sat up and nodded.

"ah, ok, So y/n is perfectly healthy and ok" she smiles and sits, "what she was feeling, is what the medical industry call 'braxton hicks', they are completely normal, its basically the body preparing itself for when the labor does in fact come." she adds, watching tae instantly relax upon hearing this. "I know its scary for a lot of first time parents but she and baby are in good health"

"thank god" he exhales and follows her back into the hall as he meets up with you again.

"Baby already causing problems for mommy huh?" he jokes and kisses your head, making you giggle and reach for his hand. "Did she tell you?" you ask

"mhm, nothing to worry about."

"kinda scary, if pre-labor feels that bad....then how is real labor gonna feel" you sigh, trying to avoid the thought despite the fact the baby needs to get out one way or another in just a few months.

"hey, look at me" he smiled, "everything will be ok, im right here" he squeezed your hand and leaned to kiss you softly, making you feel better already.

"I know, thank you"

Once you had fallen asleep, taehyung sat at the tiny desk across the room and began to film himself. "Hi ladybug, we are at the hospital because we thought you were making your grand entrance a month and a half early" he laughs quietly "but no, thank god. just stay in there and keep growing, you will meet us eventually" he smiled, "we love you"

--

march 3rd, 2022.

2:23 pm

You and taehyung had been adding the finishing touches onto the nursery, placing soft little blankets and bedding into the crib taehyung put together. "I like the colors, I think baby will like it" he spoke, adjusting the drawer and adding some more things into the hospital bag.

You were 9 months pregnant at this point, and there was nothing you hated more than moving. you sat in the rocking chair and nodded, watching your husband clean and organize. "hm what about this?" he asks, holding up a onesie that had pink ruffles. "are we bringing this"

"yeah" you smiled and ran your hand over your stomach

"ok" he put it into the bag and zipped it up, placing it by the door.

"Ok, I say we go get some lunch now. Let me help you get downstairs" taehyung smiled and reached out to hold your hands. You groaned and stood to your feet, wanting to just put all your weight against him. "you ok my love?" he coos

"mhm"

He began bringing you down the stairs and into the kitchen when you suddenly gasped, leaning against the back of the couch. "what??" he turned, watching your face turn to horror as you looked down. "I think....my water broke" you yelp in pain as a sudden sharp cramp covers your abdomen. "fuck, ok it hurts" you grasp onto his arms.

"ok, ok, uhm, well, well we need to go to the hospital now" Tae rambled, looking down at the small puddle, unsure where to go as he didnt want to leave you. "Go get the bags please, hurry up" you whisper as you rely on the support of the couch to keep you up.

Taehyung had ran quickly upstairs, nerves fueling his body but yet a smile creeped onto his face. His baby was finally coming, after all of these months, all of these moments, from when you told both of your families, to your baby shower, ultrasounds, shopping...its all coming together right now.

On his way back to you, he grabbed his phone and mindlessly began to film. "no time to talk, apparently you chose lunchtime to come greet us" he laughed and held the phone into his pocket as he came into the living room.

"tae it really fucking hurts" you cry, reaching for him again as he puts a coat over you. "I know sweetheart, its gonna be okay. We are gonna meet our little ladybug soon" he whispers, helping you stand on your own. "we are, huh" you breathe out, sudden excitement filling you.

"we are, time to officially be parents" he smiled and brought the bags into the car before helping you into the passenger seat. "I called Jin, hes coming to watch yeontan" he mumbled as he tried not to speed down the street as your groans became louder.

"hmmph, shit" you gripped the headrest of your seat as you tried not to cry, squeezing taes hand. "sorry if im hurting you"

Taehyung laughed, "its okay sweetheart, just breathe and focus on baby." he assured.

And thats what you did for the next 7 hours

-

"Hello my little ladybug" taehyung held his camera up to his newborn daughter as she laid against your bare chest. You were sweaty, tired, sore and ready to sleep for months, but you couldn't help but want to capture every moment with your new little family. "We waited so long for you, our sweet girl" he spoke, voice cracking as his hand reached out to hold hers, tiny fingers wrapping around just his one. Your eyes grew wet as you looked at him. "We are parents" you whispered, kissing your daughters head.

"you did such a good job, you are so fucking strong" he kissed you softly before turning his camera off, focusing all on you both.

"I cant wait to show her off to everyone, and spoil her" he added, watching her wide eyes look over at him.

"shes gonna be a very happy little girl" you smiled, watching the sweet interaction. between the two of them. "here, hold her again" you insisted as tae helped you sit up, taking the small newborn out of your arms gently.

"hi" he whispered, listening to her little coo's. He looked at her like she was his whole world. He never knew he needed anything more in his life after he married you, but now he can say with honesty and pride, he feels even more complete.

His wife, daughter, tannie and him.

His little place in the universe.

[f1povs]

You’re safe with me

Pairing : Sergio Checo Perez x reader

Summary- y/n sister of Carlos Sainz. When he followed his dreams of being a f1 driver she followed hers and became a firefighter. After things went south on a call y/n decided to move in with Carlos.

A/n : so this is an idea I’ve had for ages and thinking of writing a whole story on this idea. This is my first time actually posting something as never had the confidence to post but after seeing so many amazing writers on here and other apps I thought I might as well try so please no hate or negativity. If you have any advice then feel free to share and if you think I should write a whole story then please say and I will do my best 🙏

Y/n watched the world go by as she sat in her favorite park, her gaze distant and unfocused. It was as if she was watching a movie play out before her eyes, with all the characters moving in slow motion. She knew everyone around her, the way they smiled, the way they laughed, the way they lived their lives. But she felt disconnected from it all, as if she were merely an observer in someone else's story. Her mind wandered back to the countless times she had watched her brother, Carlos, race his heart out on the track, cheering him on from the sidelines, her voice echoing above the roar of the engines.

She remembered the day she had decided to become a firefighter. It had been an impulsive decision, born out of a desire to protect those she loved and make a difference in the world. Little did she know that it would lead her down a path filled with heartache and loss, with every victory she achieved coming at the cost of someone else's suffering. But she couldn't help but feel a sense of pride in her accomplishments, even as she struggled to come to terms with the darkness that lurked beneath the surface.

The wind picked up suddenly, rustling the leaves of the trees and sending a shiver down her spine. Y/n looked up, her eyes meeting those of a stranger who was staring at her intently. For a brief moment, they locked gazes, and she felt a strange sense of familiarity wash over her. It was as if this person knew everything about her, all her secrets and fears, and they were offering her a glimmer of hope in return. But then the moment passed, and the stranger turned away, disappearing into the crowd like a ghost. After sitting in the park for a while y/n decided that she couldn’t be here, in this town anymore. Y/n picked up her phone and rang her brother.

Carlos: hey y/n are you okay?

Y/n: um yeah I’m okay. Um I’m just wondering if… I… um… could come move in with you?”

Y/n held back the tears trying to escape her eyes as she spoke to her brother.

Carlos: yeah of course you can move in when are you coming I’ll get a room ready.

After couple hours flight, Y/n smiled as she spotted her brother, Carlos Sainz, standing outside the airport terminal. He looked as handsome as ever, dressed impeccably in his racing gear. Despite the hectic week of training getting ready for the race on the weekend, he'd managed to take time out of his schedule to pick her up from the airport. She hadn't seen him in months, not since the accident at work.

It wasn’t a long drive but seemed like forever. Carlos tried making small talk but y/n wasn’t really interested. She was in a world of her own as she stared out of her brothers car window. No one knew how bad the accident was. All they knew was that y/n was in an accident at work.

Finally y/n and Carlos arrived. The paddock was abuzz with activity, a whirlwind of color and motion that seemed to swirl around her like a dream. She had been away for months, as y/n stepped out of the car the familiar smell of racing fuel and burning rubber hung thick in the air, mingling with the sounds of engines revving and tires screeching. It was like being in a live-action painting, vibrant and alive with the energy of a thousand hearts beating as one. Y/n thought it was nice to be back with her f1 family. Everyone was excited to greet y/n but there was one particular driver who was more excited to see her.

As Sergio Perez turned the corner, his heart skipped a beat. There she was, standing by the lockers with her brothers and his friends, her back to him. It had been months since they'd last seen each other, and the familiarity of her figure was almost overwhelming. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves as he walked towards her. His gaze drifted over her shoulder-length hair, the way it casually fell across her back, and the way she was hugging herself, as if she were cold. He fought the urge to run up and envelop her in a warm embrace, instead opting for a friendly wave as he neared.

“Hey, y/n!" he called out, his voice sounding a little more nervous than he'd intended. She turned around, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips. But the usual sparkle in her eyes had gone. Before her eyes would sparkle in the fluorescent light, and Sergio would find himself blushing, but this time was different.

"Hey, Sergio," she replied, her voice soft. "It's good to see you ." She walked over to him, her steps light. He noticed that she was wearing the same perfume she had been wearing the last time they'd met, and it made his heart race a little faster. But as she got closer Sergio could see something was wrong.

Fast forward to race night

The sun began to dip below the horizon, bathing the grid in a warm, golden light. The race was about to end. Everyone cheered as the drivers rushed past the checkered flag. Max at P1, Sergio at P2, and Carlos at P3.

The three men stood on the podium as they celebrated their wins. The crowd cheered and shouted celebrations. Fireworks exploded overhead, their colorful bursts of light painting the sky with a kaleidoscope of colors. It was a beautiful sight, one that would have filled her heart with joy on any other day. But tonight, the sound of the explosions sent her spiraling back to that fateful night, the night of the explosion that had taken the lives of so many, including those closest to her. the fireworks only served as a painful reminder of the day that had changed her life forever. She couldn't help but shiver as she stood on the edge of the crowd, her heart racing and her palms slick with sweat. The memory of the explosion was as vivid as if it had happened only yesterday: the screams of terror, the heat that seared her skin, the deafening boom that shook the ground beneath her feet.

Sergio Checo Perez stood on his podium and searched the crowd for y/n. As soon as his eyes landed on y/n, He could see the pain in her eyes, the fear that gripped her soul, and in that moment he jumped off the podium and raced to y/n in the crowd. His fellow drivers and his team was shouting for him to come back and celebrate the win but he had to do everything in his power to make her feel safe, to make her feel loved. He knew that the accident was more than a normal accident that can happen on the job like she had said. He knew there was more to the story, he knew that the the memories were painful, he knew what was happening as he has experience people he knew go through the same thing and he could never erase the memories that haunted her, the demons that tormented her every waking moment.

Now, as she sat there, on the floor in the crowd, watching the fireworks light up the sky, she felt him approaching, his presence a warm, comforting blanket wrapping itself around her. He knelt down beside her, his expression a mixture of concern and understanding. "Hey," he whispered, reaching out to take her hand. "You don't have to go through this alone." She didn't know if she could believe him, but for some reason, she found herself leaning into his touch, feeling a small spark of hope ignite within her. "I know it's hard," he continued, his voice gentle and soothing. "But we'll get through this together, okay?"

Her eyes met his, and for a brief moment, she allowed herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for her to find peace, to find happiness again. And in that moment, she knew that she wasn't truly alone anymore.

They sat there together, watching the fireworks explode overhead, their fingers intertwined. As the last of the fireworks faded away, leaving the sky empty and black once more, Sergio leaned forward, his lips brushing against her ear. "You're okay. You are safe with me," he whispered.

Y/n closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of his breath against her skin. She knew he was right. Slowly, she turned her head, meeting his gaze once more. There was something in his eyes that she had never seen before, something that told her that he was in this for the long haul.

As they sat there, the wind picked up again, sending a shiver down her spine. But this time, it felt different. It felt like a new beginning, like a promise of better things to come. And for the first time in a long time, Y/n allowed herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was still goodness left in the world, still a reason to keep fighting, to keep going.

Hand in hand, they rose to their feet, the weight of memories and losses not so heavy now. Together, they began to walk through the paddock , their steps echoing through the darkness. As they walked, they talked, sharing stories and laughter, finding solace in the comfort of each other's company. And with every step they took, Y/n felt a little lighter, a little more at peace.

Eventually, they reached a small, secluded clearing, surrounded by tall, ancient trees just outside the circuit. Sergio turned to face her, his eyes searching hers for an answer. She knew what he was asking, and she knew what she wanted to say. Slowly, she nodded, her heart racing with anticipation and fear. He smiled, a soft, gentle smile that made her heart skip a beat, and then he leaned forward, his lips meeting hers in a kiss that was both tender and passionate.

As they kissed, the world around them faded away, leaving only the two of them, their love for each other the only thing that mattered. And in that moment, Y/n knew that she had found her home, her place in the world after everything she had been through. She knew that together, they could face anything, overcome any obstacle. Because no matter what happened, they would always have each other.

[buckychristwrites]

About You | Day 5 | j.t.

Summary: Your job? Pop culture journalist for The Independent. Your assignment? To write a profile on the cocky footballer that you're publicly feuding with.

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Cussing. Enemies to lovers

A/N: Let me know what you think! :)

Masterlist | About You Masterlist | Main Blog

“Oh, sorry!”

Your face was contorted in guilt as you watched the lady who was just smacked with the front door of your apartment building scurry away, giving you one last glare before disappearing down a side street. Was it because you were rushing out the door? Was it just because she was an old bat? It was hard to say. But you knew that you’d continue to feel bad about it for the rest of the day.

Shaking off the negative feeling that incident left behind, you turned down the sidewalk and made your way down the sidewalk.

It was a beautiful day, the sun shining down for the first time in 3 days. It was welcome. As the rays kissed your skin, you closed your eyes as if soaking them in. Popping your headphones in, you shuffled your music and continued to walk. The sidewalk wasn’t as crowded today as it normally was, and it made the journey all the more pleasant. 

“Oi!”

You continued to walk with a slight sway in your step. The crosswalk sign changed to stop just as you approached. A dog on a leash walked by, stopping to smell your shoes. You watched with a smile as he and his owner walked off. 

Over the sound of your music, you thought you could hear your name being called. You began to glance around. Was your name actually being called? Or was it something in the song? The answer was confirmed when you heard it again, this time much louder than before. 

Turning, you spotted Jamie. He was quite a distance away, jogging with one drink in each hand. When you noticed you looking, he raised his hands up in the air. The smile he donned was so wide that you couldn’t help but return it. A man tried to sidestep him, but Jamie accidentally ran into him anyway.

“Sorry, mate,” He said, looking more annoyed than apologetic as he caught up to you. He deeply inhaled and exhaled sharply before meeting your eye once more.

“‘Mornin’.” 

You bit the inside of your cheek.

“Did you get tired of being a menace to other drivers and decide to torture the pedestrians?” He let out a faux laugh.

“Hilarious, you are.” You glanced around, still in disbelief.

“How do you remember where I live?” You asked in astonishment. He shrugged, as if this was a completely normal thing to occur. 

“Just followed the way I drive to the pitch,” He said. “I always see ya walkin’.” He lifted up one of the cups. “I got you a… coffee?” It was more of a question, as if he took a wild guess at what you would want. 

“I’m more of a tea drinker…” Quickly, he handed you the cup in the opposite hand. You were awestruck as you stared at the cup before taking it from him. He really bought one of each because he would rather buy two drinks than buy you nothing. You accepted the cup and brought it to your mouth.

“I picked one that I like,” He admitted, sounding sheepish. “Hope it’s alright.” 

“It’s great.” And it really was. You smiled at him. “You really didn’t have to do this.” He shrugged.

“‘S what mates are for, innit?” 

You bit your lip, but the smile still broke through. 

“So we’re mates then?” 

This question seemed to catch him off guard, and he slowly began to walk in the direction of the pitch. 

“Well, yeah,” He answered. “Ya know too much about me now. Have to keep an eye on ya to make sure you don’t go blabbin’ to everyone.” You caught up so you were walking next to him, the two of you hogging the whole sidewalk. 

“Well, there goes my whole plan.” 

It was a nice invasion of your morning. The tea was excellent, and it made you want to ask Jamie what shop he bought it from. He had his hood up in hopes to not be recognized as he drank his coffee. You wondered what that was like, to always be in hiding. Being a journalist gave you the privilege of being forever unrecognised. While your picture was published along with the article, people rarely paid any attention to it. In return, you didn’t have to worry about people bothering you in the streets or having to walk around in disguise. 

Your train of thought was interrupted when a hand was pressed into your side, pulling you over.

“Watch it.” 

Suddenly, you were standing in front of Jamie, and when you looked over, a bicyclist sped passed, a glare sent your way in his wake. Jamie’s hand was still holding you as you gathered yourself, his fingers brushing a patch of bare skin that was exposed from your riding up shirt.

“Where’d your head go?” He asked. “Almost killed ya.” You shook your head quickly before taking a step away from him.

“Sorry, I just… lost myself in thought, I guess.” You started walking again, and though his hand was back at his own side, the ghost of his touch long lingered. 

Silence fell over the two of you again as the journey to Nelson Road continued. You were taking care to put some extra distance between yourself and Jamie. You couldn’t explain it. Just because you and him were friends now, that wasn’t an open invitation to get all handsy. If fate calls for a bike to kill you, who is he to stop it? No, he should keep his hands to himself. 

Rounding the corner in front of you came a small child who was hand in hand with his father. The hoodie was not enough to fool him, for the small boy began jumping up and down and pointing to Jamie. His father froze as his cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson. He pulled his son over to the side and kneeled down to calm him, at least that’s what you assumed was happening. It clearly didn't work, because the boy broke free of his father’s grip and ran up to Jamie. 

“You’re Jamie Tartt!” He exclaimed, still bouncing up and down. “Legend! You’re my favourite footballer!”

The father ran over at top speed and had an obvious apology being loaded up. But with a raised hand and a gentle smile, Jamie stopped him before lowering down to one knee so he was eye level with the boy. 

“You wanna be a footballer?” He asked in the friendliest tone you’d ever heard from him. The kid frantically shook his head, more star struck than he had been before. It was at this moment, as Jamie pulled a marker from his pocket, that you noticed the boys Richmond jersey. “What position do you play?” 

“A striker! Just like you!” The child didn’t miss a beat. Jamie laughed as he signed his shirt without even being asked. You glanced over at the father, who also looked just as in awe as his son. 

“You keep practicin’ and you’ll be better than me,” Jamie told him, giving his hair a shake before standing up and holding his hand out for the father. “Take care, mate.” The man stared at the hand for just a second too long, but still managed to reach up and grab it, profusely thanking Jamie for his kindness.

“Bye, Jamie Tartt!” The boy shouted as they walked off. In the distance, you could hear him singing Jamie’s chant. Plastered to the back of his little jersey was the number 9 with the name Tartt across the top. 

It wasn’t until another thirty seconds had passed and Jamie looked over at you that you realized you had been staring at him.

“What?”

You whipped your head forward, giving him a terse smile before continuing the walk to work.

“Nothing.”

Keeley Jones stood in the car park of the stadium, scrolling on her phone when the both of you arrived. When she caught sight of you and Jamie approaching, her expression lit up.

“Hiya!” She exclaimed, skipping over. “How’s the profile going?”

“It’s been going rather well, actually,” You said as you looked at Jamie for validation. He met your eye and nodded. 

“Very good.”

This made her look incredibly pleased, and you wondered how such a small person could contain so much positivity. Every time you saw her, she looked like she was ready to burst with love and happiness.

She turned to you briskly. “You’re coming to the Gala next week, yeah?” 

You nodded.

“I have a press pass,” You told her. Jamie turned towards you, eyebrows raised. 

“I didn’t know you were comin’,” He said. You scrunched up your face slightly in disbelief at his remark.

“They can’t have me doing a profile on one of Richmond’s players and not have me go to Richmond’s Gala.”

Richmond’s first ever Charity Gala was a new event that was Keeley’s idea, but was pushed by Rebecca. The point was for all of the club’s shareholders and sponsors to show up for an evening of dancing, food, entertainment, and most importantly, donating to the charity of choice. This year, the money would benefit homeless youth, although you couldn’t for the life of you remember the name of the organization. From your understanding, the event was being held at the Nelson Road stadium, but what you couldn’t figure out was where exactly they could possibly hold it. It was tempting to ask Keeley, since she brought it up, but the surprise of it all was also quite exciting.

“Don’t you think it’s a weird idea to have a Gala with lots of drinking the night before a match?” You asked the two of them. Keeley waved you off.

“They’ll play better after a relaxing night, in my opinion,” She informed you. Did you think that was a good strategy? By absolutely no means. But her and Rebecca worked very hard, so you didn’t say anything more.

“Well, I’ve got to go,” She said. “Rebecca and I have a lot of details to iron out before then. See you guys later!” She flashed one more smile before scurrying off inside. You and Jamie followed in the same direction at a considerably lower speed.

“You bringin’ anyone to the Gala?” He asked. The question caught you off guard. Why are you feeling so bashful all of a sudden?

“Oh, erm, no,” You told him. “Press passes don’t allow for a plus one.” Pause. “Not that I’d have anyone to bring if it did.” He nodded in understanding. He reached the door first, holding it open for you before following you in. You glanced at him before quickly looking forward again. “You?”

“Me what?”

“Are you bringing anyone?”

He scoffed. “No. Definitely not.” 

His answer, both the answer itself and the way he said it, surprised you.

“Why not?” 

“Don’t have anyone to ask,” He said. “Not anyone I’d want to spend a whole evenin’ with.” Now it was your turn to scoff.

“I’m sure there’s plenty of great ladies that you could ask and have an amazing time with.” 

When you looked over, the goofy smile on your face was instantly wiped away. He was staring at the floor, his expression unreadable. Before you could ask him about the change, he crossed into the changing room, which was as loud as ever with voices and laughter. Like the flip of a switch, Jamie plastered a smile on his face and enthusiastically greeted his teammates, who greeted him with the same vigour. Sinking onto the bench in front of his locker, you pulled out your notepad.

The Richmond team brings out a sort of happiness in Tartt that you don’t see anywhere else.

“How can ya already have notes to write? We just got here!” Jamie said as he flopped down next to you, pulling his hoodie over his head. 

“I’m clearly taking notes about all the naked men in here.” He looked aghast, pressing a hand to his chest..

“The only naked man you should be takin’ notes on is me. Look at all this.” He pulled the undershirt off to reveal his bare torso.

“Oh yes,” You said mockingly as you pretended to study him and take more notes. “‘Jamie Tartt’s biceps are bigger than a teenager’s head and could easily crack a watermelon.’” You came off as coy, but all of this was to distract from the fire that was roasting in your cheeks.

“There ya go,” He said with a playful smile. “Give the people what they want.” You continued with the game.

“‘Tartt’s abs are sculpted with the same look of bread buns, fresh out of the oven, and every woman in a 150 metre radius wishes they had kneaded them.’”

“Change it to 300 metres and you got it.” You rolled your eyes. 

“Shall we make it an even 500 metres, just to be sure?” 

He snapped his fingers and pointed at you.

“Now you’re thinkin’ like a real writer.” 

The whiplash you got when you thought of how quickly things turned around with Jamie was indescribable. If someone had told the you from a week ago, hell even 4 days ago, that you would be sitting around with Jamie Tartt, laughing and making jokes, you would’ve probably spit in their face. But here you were, laughing with him as if you had known him for years. 

When the coaches entered, you flipped to a blank sheet of paper. Jamie pulled a hoodie over his head. When you looked around, you noticed that the whole team seemed to be wearing the same one.

“Match against Chelsea is in two days' time,” Roy reminded everyone. “We’ll have one more practise today, and then tomorrow will be to rest and prepare.” You leaned towards Jamie.

“You guys don’t practise right before a match?” He shook his head, speaking in a low voice.

“It's a new strategy. Game day eves are for relaxin’ and restin’.”

It didn’t really clarify anything, but you didn’t want to get yelled at again, so you straightened back up and let it go. 

Practice was pretty straightforward. They ran drills. They ran plays. Roy Kent yelled. Coach Beard shrieked. Nate Shelley stayed (mostly) silent. When late afternoon hit, they decided it was time to throw in the towel. The team filed into the changing room.

“Remember,” Roy Kent said in a warning tone. “You all better fuckin’ rest tomorrow or I’ll rip your testicles out through your mouth.” Even when the coaches had disappeared into their office, you continued to stare in the direction of the door.

“I would love to spend a day with Roy and a therapist, just to hear what goes on in that brain of his,” You said to Jamie, shaking your head. Jamie patted your shoulder.

“You and me both, darlin’.”

You didn’t even dignify that with a response.

The team all walked out together, making jokes and laughing as they always did. As they parted in the car park, there was a chorus of See you laters and Have a good day offs.

“Make sure to relax, lads,” Isaac’s voice echoed over the crowd. Everyone agreed before breaking to head to their cars. 

“Can I walk ya home?”

You turned to Jamie, whose body was already turned towards the direction that you’d go to head home. A smile crept onto your face, filling your cheeks.

“You don’t have to do that,” You said as you approached him. He raised his hands up, giving you a look.

“I don’t have to do anythin’.” His hands dropped back to his sides. “I offered ‘cos I want to.” You nodded. 

“I know.”

The sun was low in the sky, surrounded by orange and purple hues. You stared at the colours that painted the world above you, your heart at ease. Jamie looked over at you, his eyes following your gaze towards the sky.

“You never told me your favourite time of day,” He pointed out. You glanced at him before looking upwards once more.

“This,” You said, gesturing around you. “The sunset.” 

“What makes it any different than a sunrise?” 

“The colours are different, obviously.” Which was true. In your opinion, the colours of a sunset were deeper, while sunrises were more pastel. You took a beat to give it more thought. “It’s a beautiful ending, no matter how wonderful or horrific a day is. You always get a beautiful ending. Even when the clouds cover them, you know the colours are there above them.” Pause. “It’s like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.”

The feeling of him staring at you made you nervous, but you didn’t look at him at all. 

“So what’s a sunrise then?” He asked you. 

“Seeing the positive in every single day. Knowing it has the potential to be good, even if you have no way of knowing.” 

He smiled, eyebrows furrowed together.

“Now you’re just makin’ things up.” 

“You’re just not using your imagination,” You told him, laughing despite it. He was laughing too. 

“I’d love to see the good in every single day,” He admitted as the two of you stopped at a crosswalk. “But on a day when we lost a game, or I feel a wee bit off, it’s hard to come back from that.” 

The light changed, and the two of you began to cross.

“What happens in your head when bad things happen?” You asked him. A blush filled his cheeks as he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before answering.

“I… erm.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess I hear me dad’s voice, tellin’ me I’m a failure. Or that I don’t deserve to have a good day anyway. Stuff like that.” The pain in his expression was apparent. It was heartbreaking that his father’s abuse haunted him so much.

“Where is he?” You asked him. “Your dad.”

“He’s sober now, still livin’ in Manchester. I see ‘im sometimes.” He sighed. “I’m happy he’s not a drunk anymore. But it’s still hard to forget everythin’ he did to me.” 

A car driving in the opposite direction of the pair of you blared its horn, the passengers hanging out of the windows to give Jamie a wave and to yell encouraging words about the upcoming match. Jamie gave them a wave before tiredly dropping his arm back down, the smile instantly disappearing from his face.

“You being happy for and loving your dad while also being angry with him for what he’s done to you are two things that can both be true,” You reminded him. He shook his head.

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“It does,” You argued. “Him being sober now doesn’t erase the pain he caused in the past and the trauma you still have ingrained in you. But you obviously still have love for him, despite all that.” He was pulling at his fingers in anxiety. You watched him.

“Have you ever gone to therapy about this?” He laughed, though it didn’t have much humour in it. 

“I saw Dr. Sharon for a few sessions before she left,” He admitted. “But I haven’t talked to anyone since.” 

“You should consider finding a new one.”

He eyed you.

“And what will ya do when I can’t talk to you about this stuff anymore ‘cos I talked it all out with a professional?” 

You were about to respond with something along the lines that then he’d be a normal person to talk to, but you stopped, your chest filled with melancholy. 

“It won’t matter in a few days, will it?” 

He froze, the smile slowly slipping away from his face until it was replaced with a frown. Fingers running through his hair, his eyes dropped to the ground as if he couldn’t look at you anymore. As if it was painful to do so.

“I guess it won’t.”

The building was suddenly in front of you, and you turned to him with your hands behind your back. 

“This is me.” 

He nodded.

“How ya gonna spend your day off?” He asked. You shrugged. 

“I’ll probably get started on writing this article,” You said with a sigh. “The best and worst part of my job is the part where I have to write.” He gave you a half grin.

“Isn’t that the majority of your job?” 

“Yes,” You said with a fake sad tone. “Yes, indeed it is.” He shook his head as he smiled, looking around at the buildings surrounding. You did the same. 

“I guess I’ll see you at the match, then,” You said. He nodded, almost looking sad. He gave you a quick salute, which you returned, before turning and heading off down the sidewalk. Suddenly, you took a step forward.

“Jamie!” 

He spun around so quickly, you were surprised he didn’t fall. You didn’t really have anything to say, honestly. You just really weren’t ready for him to leave. When you were quiet after a few seconds, he took a step towards you.

“Yeah?”

“What is your go-to karaoke song?” His expression fell into deep thought as his fingers gripped his chin. After a few seconds, the lightbulb seemed to go off in his brain. 

“Probably somethin’ by Robbie Williams.” He lifted a finger, pointing at you. “But nothin’ by Take That. Solo Robbie Williams only.” You laughed, shaking your head as you began to turn towards your building. 

“Noted.” You smiled at him once more. “Goodnight, Jamie.” He smiled back, one of the widest you’d ever seen from him.

“G’night.”

Letting yourself into the building, you pressed your back against the wall, taking a deep breath before pulling out your phone. The goofy smile was still plastered to your face as you typed out a text and hit send, feeling deeply satisfied and elated when the message said Delivered.

When you got back upstairs, you dropped your phone and purse onto the couch before heading to the bathroom. 

Your phone was still open, displaying the text you had just sent to your boss.

I’ll be taking another week at Richmond. x

[gyusimp]

°•𝑻𝒐𝒙𝒊𝒄•° (𝑀𝑟𝑠. 𝑆ℎ𝑎𝑏𝑎𝑛𝑎'𝑠 𝑇𝑜𝑥𝑖𝑐 𝑓𝑖𝑐 𝑃𝑎𝑟𝑡 2)

Read Part 1 here!

🛐 WARNINGS: NSFW | Explicit content | Toxic content | Toxic relationship | Handling | Bad words | MINORS DNI! | Modern AU | Read at your own risk. If u don't like, pls no hate and just leave. I based a bit on the Jinx manhwa to write this 👀 No attempt is made to romanticize or normalize toxic relationships, this is just fiction.

Thank u girl for ur permission 🤧 u r the best! @mrsshabana

Here you were, on your way to the Shabana's house again. You received a text message from an unknown number that turned out to be Gyutaro who spent the whole week insisting that he wanted to see you now that you were already his "girlfriend" at first you refused but thinking of all the negative things as a result of this decision, you resigned yourself to playing along, at least you had already achieved the first thing on your list, which was to make the cheerleading squad.

You rang the bell as soon as you arrived and a few seconds later, Gyutaro appeared on the other side of the door drawing a smile on his face when he saw you in front of him so he let you in. You walked behind him looking for Ume with your eyes and when you didn't see her you knew that the situation from the last time you were here was going to repeat itself.

"Hey wait, this wasn't what we agreed on!" You said, after seeing that Gyutaro's intentions were to take you to his room. "You said that I should only agree to be your girlfriend, that's all!"

"And then what do you think girlfriends are for? To hold their hands and write them romantic letters, nothing more?" He replied, with his typical shit-eating smile and a mocking voice. "You know what I really want, girl, and you agreed despite that. Now go ahead and do your girlfriend duties."

You looked at him seriously and angry, you promised yourself not to allow this guy to use you again. You had a hard time accepting the way your virginity was taken, many tears before going to sleep and you didn't want to go through that again. Never more.

"Of course not, fuck you." You told him. You settled your bag on your shoulder and were about to leave. You guessed that this time Gyutaro didn't care because he just took his cell phone out of the pocket of his ripped jeans and touched something on the screen. You were walking down the stairs back to the front door when you heard Ume's voice on speaker starting a call.

"Brother, hi what's up?"

"Hi Ume, you see...I'm here with y/n at home and a question just came up, is she already part of the cheerleading squad?" You turned around to look at him, you damn manipulator.

"Yes, she can join us at the next practice."

"Oh, well...the truth is, she's not sure if she'll be able to take part or not. She says she has other things to do and-

"Don't do it!" You told Gyutaro, both of you were silent making Ume feel confused.

"Gyu, are you still there?"

He smirked as if he enjoyed your suffering and looked you up and down in the dirtiest way he's ever done.

"What am I going to do with you?" He whispered. "Ume, Forget everything I told you, y/n arranged her schedule so there's no problem."

"Sure? Well, if another change comes up you know you can tell me."

"Ok sis, see ya." He said and hung up the call, putting his phone back away.

You had no other choice and besides, you realized that no matter what things you get nothing was guaranteed and Gyutaro could take it from you whenever he wanted if you contradicted him. You sighed heavily and entered his room again, letting him close the door behind you. You were standing in the middle of the room, looking anywhere, not knowing what to say or do. Gyutaro walked around you watching you carefully, he took your arm and pressed his knee behind yours to make you fall to the ground and kneel, he took a part of your hair and pulled it closer to him. You closed your eyes scared of what could happen so when you felt a pressure against your cheek you decided to open your eyes, realizing that your face was in his crotch.

"I've barely thought about how we're going to have fun today and look how hard you already gave me put!" He laughed.

Gyutaro didn't let go of you until he started to unfasten his belt and his pants, the sound of the buckle and the zipper opening made your hands sweat and your heartbeat quicken, filling your body with fear and insecurity. His hands parted his clothing and he went to the top of his boxers to pull them down, releasing his erect length into your face. Seeing it made you shake as it was too obvious what would happen next. He pulled your hair again with less force than a while ago, so that you would look into his eyes.

"Suck it." It wasn't a question, it was an order.

"W-wait, what!?"

"Make it quick, I have other things on my mind." You froze, you had never done this before in your life so that filled you with terror, you felt disgusted at the short distance between his wet tip and your face without knowing what to do.

"Hurry up!" Gyutaro ordered.

You sighed. You slowly approached him, maybe if you closed your eyes it wouldn't be so bad? Your mouth parted and you began to give short and small kisses on his tip until you felt your lips get wet with his pre-cum, that made you want to vomit immediately so you moved away with teary eyes covering your mouth with one hand before the gagging began.

"I can't believe you're so fucking inexperienced. You're pathetic." He said, annoyed.

It wasn't like Gyutaro was the most experienced guy in the world either, actually, his first time ever sleeping with someone was with you but unlike you, a bunch of porn videos had given him enough information almost as much as if he had already had sex many times before.

"Open your mouth and stick out your tongue, as if you were going to the dentist." he scoffed.

You weren't sure, but you also didn't want to make him angrier or he would probably be rude. You did what he said and you opened your mouth sticking out your tongue, not too much so he would go little by little or that was what you thought. From one second to the next, Gyutaro grabbed your head pulling your hair again and skewered himself into your mouth with a single firm blow reaching your throat. Now it was inevitable that the gagging appeared.

"If you throw up or if I feel your teeth, you're dead."

You didn't have to do much since Gyutaro was doing most of the work, he was holding your head and moving his hips against your face with force. You were trying to gasp for breath, trying not to cry or your sobs would choke you; you just clung to his thick thighs with both hands trying not to fall. When you heard Gyutaro start to moan and your tongue get wetter, everything had gone to hell.

A strange taste invaded your mouth, Gyutaro did not stop and it seemed that he even tried to go deeper, if you stopped him with your teeth and disobeyed his warning, who knows what he would be capable of doing so you preferred not to find out. Instead, you pressed your lips around him and thus slowed his movements, you did so with each of his thrusts so that was clearly pleasing to him.

"It seems you're starting to enjoy it, right? Little bitch..."

You closed and opened your eyes blinking heavily, you could barely swallow because you didn't want to feel his taste and breathing was already getting difficult between so many tears and his cock bursting into your mouth, your nose was not enough to breathe. Your hair was messy and sticking to your tear-drenched cheeks; You didn't even know how much time had passed, your throat was burning until after all this time Gyutaro pulled your hair hard and came completely out of you before cumming into your mouth, still a few drops splashed on your cheeks and the rest did on your chest and ground.

Finally you were able to breathe without any obstruction, you supported your two hands on the ground and tried to regulate your breathing. You were tired, your jaw felt tense and your throat hurt, you tried to breathe through your mouth to not swallow his taste, your half-open mouth avoiding doing so began to salivate accumulating saliva on the edges of your mouth until you began to drool. You felt so dirty.

You closed your eyes again when you felt that Gyutaro took you by the chin regardless of getting wet with your saliva so that you could see him directly in the eyes again.

"Yeah...that's how I like to see you. Good girl." Was it a congratulations or another mockery?

You didn't even want to speak, Gyutaro held out his hand in front of you and you honestly didn't know what to do but you put your palm on top of his, he took your hand and helped you stand up. You didn't expect it but it helped, your legs were tingling and feeling weak from the position you had been in all this time. Gyutaro took you and let your chin and face rest on his shoulder, it wasn't a hug, he just wrapped his muscled arms around your waist and helped steady you as the nausea slowly subsided.

Gyutaro's hands slid gently over your body, caressing your arms, your back and your waist until reaching your butt where he lifted your skirt and began to touch your ass. He massaged your butt and then brought his fingers under your panties to touch you only to his surprise that you were wet.

"Don't go to sleep...remember I had many things on my mind?" He said, sinking his fingers into your wet folds. Gyutaro walked until he made you fall on the mattress, crawled on top of you in the middle of your spread legs and gave you a wicked smile as he lifted your skirt. "You already tasted me, it's only fair that I do it now, isn't it?"

⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢≫

You were sitting on Gyutaro's bed, you were thinking about a lot of things right now but mostly about him. You were upset with him. He told you that he was going to a party tonight with some guys from the university who he doesn't consider his friends but are still a bit close to each other, there was no problem for you until he told you that you should accompany him; parties and stuff weren't your thing and especially when it was too late and involved alcohol and stuff; besides, you didn't want to get in trouble with people from the university.

That had already happened to you once, when you and Gyutaro were starting your relationship, actually, it was that night when you...

But this time you wouldn't let him tell you what to do, it was too late and you were already tired so don't You said nothing to him and you left there to go back to your apartment but when you were about to enter you realized that the keys were not in your bag because Gyutaro had taken them again, forcing you to go to his apartment tonight.

You had nothing else to do when you went to his apartment, so you just changed your clothes to feel more comfortable and stayed in his bed.

⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢≫

The door to the room was almost flung open and Gyutaro walked in behind it, with that frown you were used to. You knew he was angry but that didn't scare you like it did a couple of years ago when you met him.

"Throwing your damn tantrums again, aren't you?" he asked, taking off his jacket and looking into your eyes.

"You know I don't like that kind of thing." You answered him, seriously.

Gyutaro walked towards you hurriedly and irritably, when he was close enough to you he grabbed your cheeks with one hand to squeeze them and make you look into his eyes abruptly.

"And who said you could leave? You're mine, and that means you have to be where I am, always." His breath smelled of tobacco, he had been smoking, and a faint scent of alcohol also left his lips. He had been drinking but not enough to get drunk.

"Stop being so selfish! I've told you a thousand times that I hate going to that shit and yet you keep making me go!"

You let go of Gyutaro's grip, the force and how he grabbed you made you irritated and that triggered his bad mood too so he took your hands and you two began to struggle.

"Don't raise your voice to me, you little bitch, you should be thankful that I at least thought about you…" He said, holding your wrists in his hands to control you.

"Don't touch me! Give me my keys, I'm out of here!"

"Dammit! STOP MOVING!" He yelled at you. "I go to the fucking trouble of involving you in my shit so you don't whine that I don't care but you still decide to act like a bitch and walk away!? DON'T BUG ME!"

"DON'T YELL AT ME! In the first place, I never asked you to go to that fucking party, let alone with all those idiots! You spent the whole night with those bastards and you left me alone at a table like a fool!"

"FINE! Forget dating me then! Eat shit by yourself if that's what you want! But don't you dare even claim me!"

"Don't make me look like the villain! You're doing this on purpose right? You think I haven't noticed that you're always looking for a way to piss me off!? FUCKING MY DAMN EXISTENCE!? I'M SICK! SICK OF YOUR-"

No you were able to finish speaking, Gyutaro continued to struggle with you until your wall collided with the nearest wall causing you to get a little scared, thinking you were going to fall. He took advantage of your imbalance to rudely stamp his lips against yours. He took your face and pushed away your fool attempts to push him away with his hands, holding you in his strong arms. It wasn't a soft or tender kiss, it was rough and intrusive, he even dared to bite your lips to make you moan and open your mouth to introduce his tongue. You were upset with him but the pressure between your legs overcame you, again, making you give up and wrap your arms around his neck to continue the kiss and make it more passionate.

It was always like this, you two argued very often and most of the time all these fights ended up in bed, was it some kind of reconciliation to the point perhaps? No idea, but no matter how angry you were with him you always ended up at his feet. Gyutaro began to put his hands under your shirt to remove it completely as he walked to the bed and push you onto the mattress to get on top of you and continue undressing while he himself got rid of his clothes as well.

"See how cute you are when you shut up and stop being a annoying bitch?" He said, teasing you and groping you to embarrass you in front of him. "You're much better like this... take care of closing your mouth and opening your legs."

Gyutaro flipped you over on the bed to give you a hard spanking before roughly pulling your panties down and throwing them somewhere in the room, he positioned himself on top of you and began rubbing his hard dick all over you while speaking in your ear.

"You've been such a bitch today...you made me very angry, but you never refuse me to fuck you for a while...I'm not sure if I should punish you or reward you for being a good slut, what do you think?" He spanked you again.

"I-I, I don't know…just do what you want with me…you always do, don't you? J-just…fuck me and use me however you want."

"You don't even care what I do with you!?" Gyutaro laughed. "It's your cunt that's at stake! Don't you care at all what I do with it?"

"N-no I...I don't know just, just do it Gyutaro! You made me horny so I just want to feel you."

"You're so pathetic, but I love that you're that slutty! Could you be more of a needy whore and less of an irritating bitch, cutie?"

⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢≫

You had only been dating Gyutaro for 6 months when he took you to a party you didn't want to go to, a fight in his room that ended in a night of sex. You two had sex very often but it was never like that night, that night was different, so different that it made everything inside you spin as if your stomach was the jar where all those butterflies slept and Gyutaro had shaken it hard. It was that night when you fell in love with him...

⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢≫

Tonight made you remember that specific night, you tried to remember all those feelings while Gyutaro fucked you.

That night Gyutaro drank too much, he was too drunk to walk on his own, much less ride his motorcycle back to his house with you. A tall blond with thick eyebrows went to the trouble of dropping you and Gyutaro off at his house and keeping his motorcycle at his house while Gyutaro could go pick it up. You put an arm around him behind his back and put his other arm over your shoulders trying to help him walk with all your might since Gyutaro was a very tall and heavy boy for you. Those seconds felt like hours until you finally managed to get him on the bed.

You thought if you should go home or stay with him, Ume would spend the night with some friends so if he needed something he wouldn't have anyone's help. It bothered you to see him so fucking drunk laughing and talking incoherently but something inside you didn't want to just leave him here to his fate in such a weak state so after rethinking it for a few minutes, you decided to stay with him tonight. You'd come up with an excuse later.

You took off your shoes to be more comfortable and went to the bathroom to wash your face to remove the makeup you were wearing. You returned to the room and saw that Gyutaro was awkwardly trying to get up without being able to do it so you went with him to make him stay down.

"Don't get up, the best thing for now is that you sleep...okay?" Your tone of voice was comforting, your priority now was for Gyutaro to fall asleep but you saw the clothes he was wearing and they didn't look very comfortable. He was wearing black combat boots, ripped jeans and a black hoodie and his hair was messier than usual so you had to do something for him. You went to his closet and pulled out an oversized t-shirt and baggy shorts, then went back to him and tried to change it so he could sleep better.

Gyutaro was lying on the bed on his back facing the ceiling so it wouldn't be that hard to change his clothes right? You climbed on the bed to sit next to him and take the edge of his sweatshirt to pull it up and carefully remove his arms but he moved a lot, you tried again and trying to lift his head you managed to remove the first one garment; his shirt was easier to remove but you had to unbutton his jeans because it was tucked into them. Now that you think about it you could have left him the same shirt and it made you feel silly but on the other hand that shirt was sweaty and dirty. You almost forgot about his shoes, you walked to his feet to untie his boots and take them off when he nearly made your heart jump out of your mouth in shock as he suddenly sat up.

You stood still, attentive to his reaction as you both stared into each other's eyes. You mentally cursed yourself for not putting a shirt on him yet because the look he was giving you wasn't right when added to his bare chest. A small silence filled the room until he was the first to speak.

"Why are you undressing me?"

"W-what?"

"Why are you stripping me naked? Were you thinking of taking advantage of me now, dirty girl?" he asked, his voice gruff and laughing like this was the funniest thing.

"No! O-of course not! I was just trying to-"

"You know you can do that without taking advantage of me being drunk, you know that right?...that means you like what we do even if you pretend otherwise. .." You didn't say anything, you just continued to untie his boots.

"I was just trying to change your clothes...the best thing for you now is that you sleep but you can't do it in these uncomfortable clothes." You didn't look at him, you continued doing your thing but he was silent.

Were you seriously doing this to help him? Didn't you have any other intention with him? Wouldn't you take advantage of his weakness at this moment to take revenge for everything he has done to you? He couldn't understand it, maybe it was because of his drunken state but you had left Gyutaro completely confused... and he liked that.

"Get up." He ordered you. He took off his shoes by his own and pulled your arm up to stand up.

Gyutaro pulled you closer to him and wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you close to his chest and leaving you between his legs while he looked into your eyes. No one said anything, he just tucked a few strands of hair behind your ear and watched your face as if there was nothing else in the room but you. You let your hands rest on his shoulders and seeing how he shortened the distance between the two of you, you did nothing more than slowly close your eyes and you felt your lips on his. The kiss was different from all the ones you had experienced with him, it was slow, unhurried and soft; as if he wanted to get to know you more through it and make the minutes by your side eternal.

The moment you felt Gyutaro's hands traveling down your back under your clothes, you felt a warm sensation welling up from your chest that spread throughout your body, you climbed on top of him and sat on his lap hugging his hips with your legs without finishing the kiss. Gyutaro's physical weakness caused his back to fall on the bed and you remained sitting on him while he continued to kiss you. You knew what this would lead to so you let Gyutaro get rid of each of your clothes until you were left only in your underwear. Gyutaro decided it was time to go further, so changing position with you, he was on top of you, cornering you in his arms on the bed after getting rid of his jeans. His arms were strong and warm, in their midst you felt safe for the first time despite finding yourself in such a vulnerable moment where he could do whatever he wanted with you. Gyutaro's lips kissed yours over and over again without losing the sweetness of a while ago, he continued licking your neck and panting in your ear, marking your collarbones with hickeys and recording your aroma on his head while his hands massaged any part of your body they had the honor of touching. You closed your eyes and you were so immersed in this moment that you didn't notice when he took off your bra a while ago and now he was pulling your panties down and tossing them away.

Gyutaro contemplated your naked and fragile body under him between his legs as if you were one of the Wonders of the World, his plans to do many things with you today were still on but with a different and new twist for you. He couldn't wait any longer, he adhered to you burying his face between your neck and your shoulder to lick and mark you while taking your waist with one hand and leaving the best for the other. You flexed your knees so that he was better positioned on top of you and you almost screamed when you felt what he began to do. His index and middle fingers slid right in the middle of your wet slippery folds, rubbing up and down opening your labia to reveal your clit making you gasp. His fingers went up and down your slit, slowly introducing himself inside you, making you wet with more with each passing second. His movements were daring, however they continued to be slow and sensual, making you enjoy every touch inside your vagina, making you start to move your hips so that little by little he would slide his fingers inside your walls and reach your tight hole.

Wet sounds began to be heard as Gyutaro moved his fingers inside you, getting wet and slipping with your juices. You felt so hot, your nipples hardened and you began to moan wanting to feel more of him but suddenly you felt empty. You looked down and saw Gyutaro taking off his boxers to go to the next level. He took your hips with both hands wetting you a little with his fingers that he had inside you and began to rub his hard member between your folds, kneading your small and sore clit with him while he dedicated himself to kissing you again. His tongue went down to your neck and then to your breasts where he licked and sucked on your nipples to stimulate you even more, it drove you crazy to feel his length go over your folds. You felt like you couldn't wait any longer.

"A-Ah Gyutaro...I can't, I need to feel you...I want you inside me." You confessed, he looked at you, his look was a little lazy because of the alcohol.

He didn't say anything, he just clung to your hips and took the base of his cock to line up at your entrance and start giving little thrusts and strokes to your pussy until he was finally able to slide inside of you making you arch your back and moan his name in response to giving you that delicious feeling as you spread your legs wider for him.

You were so wet and open for him, it was hard even for yourself to recognize you at this moment. The first time you had sex with him you were so disgusted and scared but now your shame was gone and all you wanted was to be one with him tonight. Gyutaro's thrusts became so intense that he had to put your knees on his shoulders to fuck you properly.

"F-fuck babe-ah, how well you squeeze me aa-ah! Your little pussy squeezes me too good…fucking good.” Gyutaro moaned, picking up speed.

Your hands clung to Gyutaro's back as you felt how each of his thrusts was firmer than the last, the wet sounds increased in the room and you could clearly hear the bed springs rattling beneath you. Your body was shaking and sweating, you could feel every part of you getting wet and dripping with sweat just like Gyutaro. The atmosphere turned hot and the smell of alcohol that came from Gyutaro had stuck to the bottom of your nose. You swore you could feel Gyutaro's dick harden inside you and maybe you were right.

"A-aah! I'm gonna cum girl, I'm gonna cum, fucking cum right now babe."

Gyutaro hadn't finished speaking when you felt a warm sensation coming from a strong discharge inside you, he had cum but he kept moving even after his orgasm to overstimulate you and make you follow him soon. Gyutaro's orgasm gave you a unique feeling. Your pussy and the whole area between your legs felt so hot and wet not only from his fluids but also from sweat, it was a huge discharge so as he continued to move his seed began to seep through your folds forming a white ring around his cock even spilling out of you, you could feel it sticky and thick sliding down each of your vagina folds, making you feel slippery and soaking wet as you felt thick drops running down your thighs. That just made you imagine the mess below the two of you and a few minutes later, your wide open cunt pumped Gyutaro's dick tight as you cum on him too.

Your breaths were rough and after a few minutes you two both stopped moving. Gyutaro looked you straight in the eyes and was delighted to see that innocent blush on your face, he came closer to you and hugged you after returning your knees to their normal position. He cradled you in his arms and kissed your shoulders and chest while you stroked your fingers through his hair.

"Fuck, girl...i'm really in love with you...believe me."

That night, that night was unique because you hadn't just had sex with Gyutaro as usual. His drunkenness made him act differently and allow himself to open up properly to you and thanks to that, you experienced making love to Gyutaro for the first time.

No bribes.

No blackmail.

Without expecting something in return.

And that's where you realized that you were beginning to feel things for him too.

⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢⇢≫

You were face up on his bed, staring at the ceiling, naked under the sheets just like him. You looked to your left and watched as he now turned his back on you. You couldn't help but feel a lump in your throat for some reason, many things have happened since you met him but for some reason you felt more and more attached to him. You had had just sex now but something inside of you told you that he was still mad at you, that used to happen sometimes. You two would get angry, argue and in the middle of the fight he would kiss you to get some sex no matter if it was short or long but then he still didn't talk to you.

You turned around and put your arm around his back, getting closer to him and thus find out if he was still awake, you put your cheek against his back and you felt his slow breathing, you also heard his heartbeat. You sighed with some nostalgia and left a short kiss on his spine as you turned away from him also to sleep.

You still couldn't get to sleep well and as you did, a tear slipped from the bridge of your nose onto the pillow. He told you that time that he loved you, is he still doing it? That damn question gave you sleeplessness every night but you couldn't put it down, not now, not when you were deeply in love with every part of him.

A heavy sensation settled on your waist under the sheets getting closer to him to continue feeling your naked curves, you looked behind you out of the corner of your eye and saw how Gyutaro was sleeping peacefully, but still wanting you closer to him.

I am very sorry for my absence, I hope that this fic attempt makes up for my lack of activity. Btw, how are you? I'm fine, except that I just had the worst mistake of my life, can you guess? That's right, I think I have butterflies in my stomach for a guy...a real guy lmao 🥲 i wanna die lol

[sc0tters]

My Rocket | Cole Caufield

summary: after Cole gets jealous the last thing you expected was that you’d be in bed with him that night.

request: yes/no

warnings: swearing, mentioning of a sexual relationship

word count: 1.40k

authors note: hello, I am alive and well! Not sure that I like this but I am a bitch for soft Cole. Been writing this over the last few days so let’s all act like we like this, okay? Thanks 🫶

You didn’t know how you two landed up in the living room like this.

The Ducks had been in town playing against the HABS and whilst you had been catching up with Trevor after the game he had Jamie join the conversation.

Jamie was polite and friendly and just seemed to send you a warm smile as he took in the sight of you in your boyfriends jersey.

Cole on the other hand watched the interaction between you two go down and he couldn’t help but feel his face form a scowl.

Now everything would have been fine if the HABS player just told you there how he felt, but instead Cole decided to be short with you the whole ride home “what the hell is your problem!” You groaned letting the front door to your apartment shut behind you.

Every single opportunity he had gotten the hockey player either ignored you or sent a negative remark your way “Cole!” You added as he continued to ignore you throwing his bag onto the floor.

Thankfully he seemed to agree that now was the time for him to start talking “why don’t you go back to that little buddy of yours?” You used to live in California and that was where you met Jamie for the first time but you never thought that Trevor would tell Cole about your past with him “he seemed really fucking interested in getting his girl back.” Cole crossed his arms as he sent you a glare.

A scoff left your lips “that was over a year ago.” His accusation struck your heart as you hadn’t even taken your heels off as you frowned.

The hockey player made his way over to you “you think he knows that?” He spat pressing his finger into your chest “you think he cares that you’re with someone else?” You swore you could see the anger in his eyes.

This wasn’t a topic that you two were new to though, last year the new team photographer was getting close to Cole and you simply wanted her to know that he had a girlfriend after she invited him out for drinks just the two of them “Cole I wouldn’t accept another guys move on me because I love you!” You blurted out like it shouldn’t have been as obvious as it was.

You frowned as he shook his head “baby you don’t understand that every guy looks at you w-” it was no secret that in Cole’s eyes you were an Angel sent straight from heaven “but I’m all yours so why does that matter?” Tears were now rolling down your cheeks as your anger had been replaced by sadness.

The thought of Cole not trusting you overwhelmed your sense “look if you can’t understand that then maybe you should sleep in the guest room tonight.” In the year that you two had been dating not once had you slept under the same room but not in the same bed.

All he could do was nod as you pushed past him letting your bedroom door slam shut behind you.

For two hours you two remained apart, Cole still to angry to see the fault in his ways and you too hurt to face him “just let me talk to him?” Trevor wavered as you had been on the phone with him since you got out of the shower.

The New York native met you during your first year at UCal and he quickly brought you into his friend group. That was where you met Jamie and started the four month long period of you two sleeping together. The summer of your sophomore year you met Cole and as one thing led to another and by your senior year you had transferred to a university in Montreal as you now lived with your boyfriend.

You shook your head running your fingers through your hair “I want him to come on his own terms.” You mumbled running your tongue over you lips as you could hear Cole in the shower “I don’t wanna play devils advocate but he loves you.” Trevors words made your eyes go wide.

He could sense your reaction and it made him smile ”Cole literally can’t shut up about you.” A smile formed on your face as you seemed to forget about the fact that you were mad at him “so he might seem mad but he is just scared of losing you-” you were quick to cut him off “losing me?” The idea of him being scared of losing you actually made you laugh as it was so ludicrous to even contemplate.

Trevor laughed at the way your cheeks turned pink “now I am quoting him but he thinks you’re a rocket.” Your stubborn manner was now wavering as you sighed “maybe I should talk to him?” You sighed watching Trevor hang up before you could continue talking.

Cole had been sat on the bed in the guest room as he stared at the mirror, his features had softened as his hands ran through his hair “Cole?” You mumbled leaning against the wall as you locked eyes with him.

As much as you didn’t want to admit it Cole looked hot in that moment with his towel hanging around hid waist and water dripping down his chest “hey baby.” The hockey player knew that the sight of you in nothing more than his jersey as even though you were taller than him the jersey still looked massive on you, it was something he was never going to get used to.

His hand raised to motion you over to him as you stayed half hidden with your hands fiddling with the ends of the jersey “I wanna see you.” He explained smiling as you listened.

Your walk to him seemed weary as you let your hand lock with his, silently telling Cole that he could bring you onto his lap. The hockey player let his hands run up your legs as you straddled his waist “hi” you stared down at his chest still not wanting to truly face him just yet.

Cole shook his head bringing his hands to cup your cheeks “want you to look at me baby.” Cole’s voice was soft as he titled your head up to face his “there is my pretty girl.” The hockey player cooed as he sent you a smile.

When you remained silent Cole took the moment to stare at your features “I am sorry that I was a dick,” his confession took you by surprise because out of all of the arguments that you two had this was the third time that he apologized first. His fingers drew soft circles on your skin “don’t blame Jamie for wanting you cause you’re one of a kind my love.” Cole hadn’t noticed the smile that had formed on your face as he continued “you could have slept with whoever you want before we got together.” “Cole-“ “I promise that for now on I won’t get mad at you but like you can’t blame me for wanting him to move away.” “Cole-” “I got scared that you were going to-” “Cole!”

He finally went quiet as he looked at you “what?” He scanned your face to see if he had missed something as you laughed “it’s going to take a lot more than a tall guy to ever make me think of leaving you.” You blurted out making him grin.

The hockey player felt his cheeks grow warm “how much we talking?” Cole teased wriggling his eyebrows making a giggle fall from your lips.

You pretended to think about it for a moment “you planning not loving me anymore?” Your question was meant to come off as rhetorical as you swore that you wouldn’t be getting an answer from him “you’re stuck with me till we die!” Cole yelled bringing both of your bodies down to the bed where he had flipped you over leaving him on top of you.

A squeal came from your mouth as you looked up at him “I’ll love you forever then.” Your words made him melt as his hands dropped to your sides.

Cole watched as his chain lay against your neck letting the cool metal act in contrast to your hot skin “here’s to putting up with me forever.” The boy smirked as he leaned down to kiss your lips.

[cummin-n-cryin]

The Camping Trip

Minors/Blank blogs Do Not Interact!

Jade Leech x gn!reader

Tw: Nsfw, dubcon, manipulation, drugging, aphrodisiac, yandere??? (I didn't write this with yandere in mind but I'll just throw it in), I think that's it lemme know if I missed any!

Wordcount: 4,470

Side Note: *drags their body out of a dark cave* Hey fellas it's been awhile huh? Anyway life's been a bit crazy I got sick with a nasty cold, my cats getting her teeth removed because her body is attacking them, ect. Anyway It took me awhile to write this and I hope you all like it! I'm still a bit awkward at writing nsfw but hopefully this turned out okay!

You had joined the Mountain Lovers club a while ago. At first you hated the idea of joining the club. Hearing your friends whisper of how the club leader Jade was cold, cruel, and manipulative, it kind of scared you.

However, after interacting with all the other clubs and their members, you found that none of them really held your interest like the Mountain Lovers Club did. In the end, you decided to say fuck it and just go for it, hoping that it would all go well.

And it did! It didn't take you two that long to become friends. Sharing his love of nature and exploration, you two found that you had much more in common than you originally thought!

While you couldn't say that you loved mushrooms as much as he did, you found his interest in them quite endearing. It was common for him to sit down with you and explain all the different mushrooms he had found after returning from one of his solo mountain treks. He'd answer every little question you had with a bright smile.

It was hard to see Jade in a negative light when he looked so happy with his little fungi. Watching him happily talk about how healthy his mushrooms are or how his mushroom spawn was finally successful after so much failure. To think that you used to think of him as such a horrible person...

If there was one thing that you didn't like about Jade it was how insistent he was on hiking alone. He would always tell you that, "You're not ready yet," or how he, "believes it would be safer if you didn't come along with him." It was very frustrating. Hiking in the mountains was one of the biggest reasons you even joined! Exploring the mountains is pretty much what the whole club was about!

So, why wouldn't he let you go hiking with him?

One day you had enough and cornered the slimy eel. You bombarded him with questions until he finally caved, though it wasn't the answer you expected. "I was trying to find the best route for you," he stated simply. "Since it's your first time I thought it would be nice to find the best route so that you could truly appreciate the beauty of the mountains without having to worry about the rough terrain."

He held his hands together, a small smile tugging at his lips as he continued, "Besides I thought I should make our first hiking trip something truly special. I had only recently been able to acquire a tent and thought that we should try camping as well. But, if you have better things to do then I suppose I'll just go all by myself," he finished with a small frown on his face. His eyes turning away from you, he looked like he was about to cry.

You felt like slapping him. "Of course, I want to go camping with you!" you yelled at him.

Jade smiled at you, "Well then, seeing how enthusiastic you are, take this," he hands you what looks to be a guide for hiking. "Oh, and this as well." He gives you a list of things to bring for the trip. "How about we go tomorrow? My schedule is empty for the next couple of days," you responded with a thumbs up, and soon you both went your separate ways.

You may not have completely thought this through.

Sweat dripped down your forehead and your legs were shaking like a newborn deer. You were beyond tired of walking. Jade was quite far ahead of you and seemed far too distracted within his own mind to notice your miserable state.

With a heavy sigh you decided to sit on a nearby fallen tree. Thankful for the cold water you brought with you, you greedily gulped it down. You couldn't help but wonder how you thought this was a good idea.

Well, you don't completely regret your decision. Jade wasn't lying about how beautiful this place was. Looking around you, you can honestly say you've never seen so much greenery in your life.

Everywhere you looked there was some mysterious plant that was sprouting or growing. Even looking up, the trees formed a canopy above you, the sun's rays glittering through the tree's leaves gave the area an almost mystical feel.

Now that you think about it, how deep into the woods are you? You know that you and Jade had been walking for a long time but, just how long? How far was the school from here?

You suddenly felt an icy breeze across the back of your neck.

.

.

Your breath caught in your throat, goosebumps covered your skin as your hair rose. You swear something just breathed on you.

You didn't dare move.

The sound of a snapping stick caught your attention. You whipped your head in the direction of the noise.

"Oh, my apologies for running up ahead. I must have overestimated how much you could handle. My sincerest apologies for my oversight. I promise it won't happen again," he said. You sighed; it was only Jade.

While you would have been mad at his almost cheeky tone, you were still freaked out about what just happened. If that wasn't Jade then what the hell was that?

You're snapped out of your thoughts by Jade's voice, "Perhaps we should set up our camp here?" he asked, already setting his backpack on the ground. "Uh- um- yeah, let's do that," you stuttered, pulling off your backpack as well.

Jade approached you looking concerned, "Oh my, did something happen?" You laugh off his question saying that you were fine. Thankfully, he didn't pry further and instead focused on helping you set up the tents.

Maybe you were overthinking things and it was just a simple cold breeze. Heh, yeah. That's all that it was...

Setting up camp was not as easy as you thought it would be. The strings of the tent occasionally whipped you in the face or escaped your grasp as you tried to hammer them down into the ground. Thankfully Jade was there to help.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Jade went hunting for mushrooms and you decided to wander around the area, never straying too far from the camp. Night soon came so you and Jade decided to have your dinner, eating some of the mushrooms he collected along with a few snacks you two decided to bring on your trip.

You both woke early, the sun just barely peeking through the thick canopy of trees above you as you both walked deeper into the mountain's woods. You were a bit worried about straying too far from camp but Jade reassured you that you both wouldn't be going that far.

The adventure was far more calming than when you both had first started hiking up the mountain. Jade spent less time walking and more time observing his surroundings, sketching or taking pictures of all the interesting little plants he finds and of course documenting all the fungi he finds.

You would occasionally ask him about the things he was drawing but mostly left him to do his own thing. While he did that, you wandered around looking at all the rocks and small ponds that were scattered around the area. You even borrowed Jade's camera to take a few pictures of some beautiful flowers you found. Whether it be a little snail on a leaf or a running stream that reflected the sunlight causing it to cast a rainbow-like effect onto anything nearby, you were there taking a picture of it.

But, looking out into the beautiful forest, you realized that you couldn't really capture all of the scenery that you wanted. If you could somehow get just a bit higher up then you could capture a whole lot more.

Looking around, you caught sight of a nearby boulder. You quickly looked over to Jade, he wasn't paying any attention to you, instead he seemed to be busy with his sketches.

Good.

Smirking to yourself, you firmly held onto his camera as you climbed up the boulder. Looking over to Jade again you see that he was still very much engrossed in his drawing. Now on top of the boulder, you carefully stand up not wanting to slip off and hurt yourself.

Woah! You could see so much from up here!

The view from atop the boulder was beautiful. You could truly see the expanse of the forest. You hold up the camera, stilling your hands, you hit the button with a resounding click. You take a few more pictures. Once satisfied with the pictures you turn to get off the boulder.

.

.

You slip.

A loud cracking noise hits your ears as you land feet first on the hard ground. A searing pain shoots up your leg and you scream.

Your scream attracts Jade's attention and he quickly rushes over. He tries to calm you down, telling you to breathe as he carefully helps lift you off the ground. Jade lets you wrap an arm around him as he assists you back to camp. Jade had stayed true to his word, you both really didn't go that far from the camp as you make it back quite quickly.

Jade sets you down in your tent, leaving you there while he goes to get supplies to help you. All you can do is lay on your bed and try your best to not move your injured leg too much. He soon returns and carefully looks at your injury. You hiss in pain as he moves your foot around.

"Thankfully, it appears your ankle is only sprained," he says while still moving your leg around. You want to yell at him to stop moving your leg around so much, instead you bite your lip just wanting him to finish fixing your ankle. Jade sighs, "Perhaps you've been spending too much time with Floyd? Seeing how reckless you've become."

Great Seven, you've never wanted to hit him so badly. Maybe after you both return to NRC you should go to the Mostro Lounge and order smoked eel. Just imagining the look of disgust he'd give you almost makes this worth it.

He carefully wraps your ankle and it's... nice.

Jade treats your injury with a certain tenderness that you didn't really expect him to have. You can't tell if he's being so gentle because he doesn't want to make your injury worse than it already is or if there's something else. You watch him. Trying your best to see if you could figure out if he had some hidden motivation or if he really was just trying to wrap your stupid ankle.

Though, as you observe him you start to feel a bit odd. You quickly become a bit too aware of the way his hands feel on your skin.

His hands were a bit rough, more than likely from his gardening and his mountain treks, but they felt quite nice against your skin. His hands wrapped your ankle in precise and calculated movements as if he's done this thousands of times before. You found the way his hands moved almost mesmerizing; their fluid motion was messing with your head. You started to focus more and more on Jade, seemingly becoming entranced by him.

As quickly as the strange haze overcame you it had left as Jade stood up, dusting off his pants. You reluctantly thank Jade and suggest that it would probably be best if you two made your way back to NRC to get a proper doctor to help you.

"Do you not trust in my abilities, Y/n? Besides, I'd be quite lonely without you here. All alone collecting these mushrooms," Jade trailed off, a small frown on his face.

You rolled your eyes, "I'm sure you did a great job fixing my ankle Jade. It's just that-" you suddenly stopped. Hearing sniffling, you looked up at Jade's face only to see he was crying.

"I apologize Y/n. It's just that I spent so much time trying to make sure that this trip would go well and I know how desperate you were to come hiking with me. But if you wish for me to take you back to NRC than I shall," he said while trying to dry his tears.

You suddenly felt a bit guilty. After so long of bothering Jade to take you hiking with him, you're both finally out here together and while you just wanted a simple hiking trip, Jade went out of his way to make your first time out in the mountains memorable. Who knows what he had to do to let Crowley allow him to camp all the way out here.

Actually, that's a really good question. Does Crowley even know you're out here with him?

Whatever, it's not like you're both going to be out here forever and this might be the only time you can go camping with him. A couple days of not being bothered by Ace, Deuce, Grim, or Crowley is a blessing that rarely appears, so may as well enjoy the trip while it lasts.

With a sigh, you give in, "Fine, I'll stay."

Jade gives a small smile, his tears drying faster than you would have liked, "I assure you, I'll take good care of you while we're here."

He really tried to keep you happy. He'd help you out of your tent so you wouldn't be stuck in there all day. Unfortunately, because of your injury you couldn't exactly leave the camp site but he'd sometimes guide you to different spots that he wanted to show you. Small ponds with the occasional frog and numerous small plants, groups of fungi growing on a decomposing tree and other interesting things. And if he couldn't bring you with him then he'd just bring the item to you. He'd bring small plants, many mushrooms and sometimes small animals that he somehow managed to get his hands on.

Jade would sometimes leave for long periods of time but you didn't mind as whenever he came back he'd talk to you about everything he saw and of course teach you about all the mushrooms he's collected.

You were glad his mushroom hunting was going well but, it does kind of suck that most of what you eat is the mushrooms he's collected. At least you have a few different snacks in your bag but you're sure that by the end of the trip you probably won't be eating mushrooms for at least a month after this.

Things were going quite well until the next day.

Hot chills shook your body as you tried to sleep in your tent. Your skin felt hypersensitive, every little thing that touched you made you very aroused. Even the slightest movement of fabric against your skin made you shiver in need. You didn't know why you suddenly felt so hot and bothered by everything that merely touched you but, something was definitely not right.

"My you look quite distressed," Jade said observing you from the door of your tent.

You didn't respond, instead you tried to hide under your blanket. You could hear him approach your huddled form. Listening as he hummed thoughtfully to himself before speaking, "Can you tell me what symptoms you're having?"

You tried to come up with something, you weren't going to tell him that you just woke up uncontrollably horny for some reason! That's a very awkward conversation that you really didn't want to have with him so, grumbling a bit, you finally settled on, "Everything's hot."

He seemed to think about your answer for a bit, "Do you have anything else? Runny nose, sore throat, headaches, or coughing?" he asked. "No," you replied albeit a bit quickly. You felt him move closer to you. You could feel his gaze boring into you even while hiding under the blanket and it made you very uncomfortable.

He was quiet for what was probably only a couple minutes but it felt like hours as you waited for him to say something. You could hear him mumble to himself but you couldn't make out any of the words.

Suddenly, he grabs your thigh. You gasp as his cold grip sends a shock through your body. You're quickly overcome with a strong feeling of arousal. Panicking, you throw off your blanket to try and get his hand off of you. Thankfully, he pulls away. Jade looks at you surprised before he gives a small smile, "I think I know what ails you and I can help but I need you to tell me that you trust me."

You hate the way he words things so ominously sometimes. It's not that surprising that he probably knows something you don't, besides you're not originally from this world so maybe the way you're feeling is something that just happens sometimes? But his request is a bit too specific. You can't help but feel like he's planning something.

As you think, you realize it's becoming more and more difficult to think at all. You feel like your mind is slowly turning into mush. You're thoughts keep turning to the way Jade's hand felt on your thigh, much to your dismay.

Seeing your apprehension, Jade pulls out a glass vial from his pocket. "Here's your cure," he states simply.

Your eyes widen and you try to grab it but he quickly pulls away, "No, no, you need to say you trust me first." You make a noise of frustration before lunging at him.

You both fall to the floor. You're on top of Jade as you desperately reach out for the vial. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close to him. You stop breathing for a moment, completely forgetting about the vial as you become hyperaware of the way Jade's body feels against yours. You can feel his chest rub against yours everytime he breathes, his strong arm wrapped around your lower back to hold you in place and his hand holding onto your side.

You feel breathless as he leans up towards you. His breath caresses your ear as he whispers, "Say it and it's yours," his voice sends shivers through you.

You stare up at the vial being held above your head before daring to look down at Jade.

His eyes glow in the darkness of the tent and no matter how hard you try you can't look away. "Say it," he whispers, his voice lulling you deeper and deeper into the fog of lust slowly clouding your mind.

You can't stop yourself when you breathlessly whisper, "I trust you."

.

.

Your heart beats faster as a wicked smile filled with sharp teeth crosses his face as he gazes up at you, his eyes glowing with barely suppressed hunger.

You think that you may have just made a grave mistake.

Quickly, he flips you onto your back and you go boneless, only having the strength to look up at him now looming above you.

Jade sits up and straddles you, his legs on either side of you, as he places the glass vial off to the side, just out of your reach. He then moves one of his hands to the zipper of his jacket, slowly unzipping it before pulling it off of him. You admire the way his broad shoulders roll as he removes his jacket.

He moves his hands towards you, using one of his hands to hold him up, he uses the other to slowly trace a line from the bottom of your jaw all the way down to your chest and further towards your stomach before finally grabbing the hem of your shirt. He pulls it up and you try to help him get it off of you. You feel so hot, you want him to just rip your clothes off already.

You reach up and grab his face catching him by surprise as you pull him down and kiss him. He laughs into the kiss, "Quite needy, aren't you?" You only moan in response and he takes the opportunity to quickly slip his tongue into your mouth, deepening the kiss. His hands caress your body as his tongue dances with yours.

You can't think at all anymore, your mind nothing more than a pile of mush. All you can think of is Jade and the way he's touching you. How his rough cold hands soothe your burning skin and how his soft lips feel against yours. It's almost overwhelming. You're so focused on the kiss and the way he's touching you that when he finally pulls back, a string of saliva connecting your lips, you don't even realize you're completely naked.

Jade changes position, opting to sit in between your legs. You feel his hands glide down your naked body. A moan slips out and you quickly bite your hand to try and muffle it. Jade smiles, "No one but me is going to hear you my dearest, I've made sure it, so please," he looks down at you, his eyes dark with lust, "be as loud as you want."

He grasps your hips lifting you up slightly as he leans forward. You can feel the hard bulge in his pants pressing against your core. He grinds into you and you almost pass out right then and there. He's so close, so close to giving you what you want.

"Jade please-" you're interrupted by another roll of his hips against you.

"Hm? Do you need something?" he asks teasingly, a sly smile on his face. You groan in frustration. If he's not going to give you what you want then you'll just take it for yourself.

You quickly sit up and reach out, grabbing his pants. You try to get them off of him, not wanting to wait any longer. But your lust leaves you weak, your hands are shaky and with little effort Jade pushes your hands away from him. He sighs, "You're so impatient but if this is what you want, I'll strive to live up to your expectations."

He undoes his pants for you and pushes you back so you're laying down again. He leans down and kisses you, shoving his tongue into your throat as if he's trying to devour you. At the same time, you can feel something hard nudging against your entrance. Before you realize what it is, he quickly thrusts himself into you.

Your nails dig into his skin and you let out a choked moan as you feel all the wind get knocked out of you. Jade pulls away from the kiss, breathing heavily as you squeeze around him. "So impatient," he mumbles against your neck. You moan and writhe against Jade, tears stream down your face as he waits for you to get used to his size.

He places kisses on your neck, occasionally nibbling the skin with his shark-like teeth as he very slowly thrusts into you. You can't help but think that if he really wanted to, he could probably kill you. It's a morbid thought but thinking about it sends a shiver down your spine.

His speed increases as you get more adjusted to his girth. His thrusts becoming harsher and his grip on you grows tighter, almost painfully so. He pulls his face away from you, looking down at you.

"I'm sure somewhere in your mind you must be wondering why you've become like this, yes?" You don't respond to his question. The only thing you can think about right now is the way his cock feels pounding inside you and how when he angles himself a certain way it makes you see stars.

But soon he slows down, his thrusting stopping altogether. You try to make him move again, pulling him towards you and whining in desperation but he easily holds you down, seemingly unbothered.

"Well," he continues, "You might have figured it out by now but the mushrooms I've been feeding you have aphrodisiac like effects. I'll be honest, I didn't believe mushrooms could effect someone in such a way. Originally, I was going to try them out on myself. But you just wanted to go on a mountain trek with me so, so badly and it made me think that perhaps, you would be the perfect test subject and well," he grabs your tear-stained face forcing you to look at him, "looking at you now... You certainly are perfect."

"Though," he suddenly continues, letting go of your face, "I hadn't intended to give you such a large dosage. I must have overestimated how much your body would be able to handle. I apologize for not keeping my promise." He feigns a sad expression.

"Sh- Shut up," you barely mumble out.

Jade's eyes go wide in surprise for a moment before he laughs, "Oh, so you can speak? I see..."

He reaches over and grabs the vial, "Well, considering that I've gotten what I've wanted, it's only fair that I give you what you want."

He pops open the glass vial, grabbing your face, he opens your mouth but as he goes to pour it, the vial slips out of his hand and breaks, the liquid spilling out onto the floor next to you. A small, "Oops," escapes Jade's lips as he looks at the now spilled vial.

"Oh, well I suppose we'll just have to cure you the natural way, hm?" Jade says with a smile.

You let out a long, frustrated groan.

Jade lightly takes your ear between his teeth before moving down to plant light kisses along your shoulder and neck as he roughly slams himself into you. His hands harshly grab onto your thighs and hip. His nails digging into your flesh as he slowly loses himself to pleasure.

"Ah, don't be like that. Besides," he sharply thrusts into you making you gasp, "You seem to be enjoying this." His thrusts increase in speed, his hips snapping into you, driving his cock even deeper inside you.

He leans down towards you, breathe heavy as he whispers into your ear, "And, if I had to make an educated guess, I think that truthfully this is what you really want."

It soon becomes too much for you and you can feel yourself tighten around his cock before cumming. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as the intensity of your orgasm leaves you breathless.

He slightly slows down but he doesn't stop. With what little strength you have, you try pushing him away as the stimulation becomes too much for you but he grabs your hands and places a kiss on your palm.

You can hear the cruel smile on his lips as he whispers, "I'm far from done with you."

[llyfrenfys]

In which I try not to be That Guy TM when it comes to Irish ancestors: An exploration of ancestry, diaspora and culture

Because of The Horrors TM in my life atm I've been looking into my biological family tree. I'm adopted but estranged from my adoptive family and I never met my biological family since I was adopted just short of my 2nd birthday. I've been tracing my ancestry for about 3 years now and it's genuinely quite stress relieving to me. It's also fun and challenging from a research standpoint - putting together my own family tree gave me the skills to write articles like this one I wrote in 2022 about historical Welsh queer people, for example.

Lately, I've been finding out more about my Irish ancestors while an adoptee (and thus not knowing any of my biological family) - but also doing this as a Celticist and tired of people doing the 'my sister's friend's cousin's father's mother was Irish' thing. This has created an almost unbearable tension between curiosity at my own ancestry while trying not to be That Guy who finds out about one (1) Irish ancestor hundreds of years ago and is weird about it.

Especially since mine are quite distant ancestors - my great, great, great grandparents were born in Dublin and in a tiny village in County Down called Dunnaman (near Kilkeel). However, they were Irish Catholics and emigrated to Liverpool in the 1870s - all of their subsequent children and grandchildren were born in Liverpool and all of the above + great grandchildren were raised Catholic - including my grandmother (who died before I was born). So there was an obvious attempt to maintain that heritage. There's even evidence my great, great, great grandmother at least spoke Irish (which, as she was born in County Down, would have been Ulster Irish).

The problems with uncritically throwing oneself at an ancestor's nationality:

Now, not all North Americans of Irish (or Welsh, Scottish, Italian, Scandinavian, German etc.) descent do this - but there's a very vocal set of North Americans of Irish descent who find awe and interest in their ancestry - which is actually quite a positive thing! - however, due to either temporal or cultural disconnect, they may end up doing or saying things (and not necessarily with bad intentions) which can have a negative impact on the Irish and the Irish language (or [nationality] and [language(s) associated with that nationality].

I'm reminded of the time an American commented on a Welsh language rights post I made in support of Welsh speakers, but they accidentally ended up using a white nationalist slogan by mistake. It can be a minefield - and with regards to Ireland specifically, mistakes like that can be so much worse. To literally give my own (mild) example, today I decided to relearn Irish (since I haven't spoken any in years since being taught basics at undergrad) and picked up a blank notebook I bought at Tesco the other week, while completely forgetting the inside cover of the notebook was orange. I was planning on decorating the notebook anyway and painted it a different colour. While I know that nobody would really hold it against me if I didn't change the colour, I just know that walking around with an orange notebook filled with Irish I'm relearning because of interest in my Catholic ancestors could be a confusing set of messages, at the very least. If you don't understand why this is, look up the meanings of the colours on the flag of Ireland.

Which is to say, even those of us in Northern Europe who have significantly greater physical proximity to Ireland than North America (and therefore should know better) still can and do get things wrong. And not just benignly wrong like in my case.

The tendency for some North Americans of Irish descent (Canada isn't exempt from this) to conflate Irish ancestry with a contemporary connection to the modern countries located on the island of Ireland as a whole can have results ranging from 'a bit weird' to 'jesus fucking christ'. As a Celticist, I've seen far, far too many Americans of Irish descent try to weigh in on modern Irish politics without any background knowledge or tact at all - and naturally they stake their claim on modern Irish politics entirely on the premise of having distant Irish ancestors. Or, even worse, things start to get all phrenological.

'Irish blood' and the nonexistence thereof:

'Irish blood' is continually evoked by some to validate their sense of 'Irishness' and the obsession with '[insert nationality] blood' is a distinctly North American phenomenon- likely related to or an offshoot of the concept of 'blood quantum', in which enrolment into some Native American nations and tribes is determined by how much 'Native blood' a person has. Notably, many people who would ostensibly have been described under this system as 'full blood' were registered by the US as 'half blood'. This is a method of genocide intended to wipe out tribes and nations by imposing strict measures of who does or does not qualify to enrol into a tribe or nation. This concept seems to have been extrapolated over time (in a North American context at least) into the idea of descent from other nationalities' being measured in a similar or adjacent way. This is how you end up with some North Americans declaring they are '1/8 Italian and 1/4 Irish' on their dad's side etc. While in Europe (where these nationalities hail from, crucially) this practice is seen as a really weird way to describe your ancestry. In general, it's simply 'my 4 times grandfather came from Spain' or 'my great great grandfather on my dad's side came from Finland' etc. if it comes up at all. For various political reasons, many Europeans with descent from multiple other European nationalities may choose to omit to mention descent from certain nationalities, especially if in recent history there has been conflict between their birth nation and an ancestor's nation. The most famous example of this is literally the British royal family changing their surname from the German Saxe-Coburg and Gotha to the more 'British sounding' Windsor in 1917 due to the onset of the First World War.

Where it gets really weird (and also very offensive and rude) is when cultural stereotypes get invoked alongside the whole 'blood' thing in usually quite damaging and/or disparaging ways. I've seen way too many North Americans of Irish descent claim they're alcoholics because they have 'Irish blood' or even worse, claim it's normal to domestically abuse their spouses because of it!! (Genuine thing I have seen btw). Same goes for claiming to be a naturally good chef because of 'Italian blood' and so on. As a general rule, people from the place where your ancestors were from don't generally like to be inherently be considered drunks or prone to violence due to their nationality. Or have weird and inaccurate idealisms projected onto their language or cuisine.

Aren't there any positives?

It wouldn't be fair to make a post like this without mentioning some of the positives that can come from interest in an Irish ancestor. Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I myself felt inspired to relearn Irish because of my own Irish ancestors. I was taught the Connacht dialect at undergrad, however, since my ancestor was from County Down, I'm going to try and learn Ulster Irish instead. One doesn't need Irish ancestors to learn Irish of course - when I learned I wasn't aware I had any Irish ancestors. But being inspired to learn Irish because of an ancestor can't hurt and directly increases the number of Irish speakers in the world (provided you keep at it). This is a net positive for the language as a whole.

Similarly, people who have educated themselves on Irish politics because of their ancestry and genuinely learned something are also a positive thing to come out of discovering Irish ancestors. In my experience, these people are the kind of people I enjoy talking to about being a Celticist because they actively want to learn and respect the cultures being talked about. Which is huge to me!

Conclusion:

As a Welsh speaker whose national identity is more-or-less Jan Morris-esque, my Irish ancestry is an interesting facet of my ancestry I simply didn't know about before. And being an adopted person, I can sympathise with the general sentiment of a lot of white North Americans of feeling disconnected or alienated from any ancestral heritage. The conditions which create That Guy TM as described above rely on that sense of alienation to propagate a very ineffective, tactless and often very insensitive approach to Irish and other European cultures. But the important thing is that that approach can be challenged by people genuinely interested in their ancestry who are also conscientious of the living versions of the cultures their ancestors hailed from.

For me, that means learning Irish in a dialect my ancestors are likely to have spoken. I also visited the library today to check out some books on the Irish emigration to England and the sociopolitical reasons behind that emigration. I know the broad strokes, but the details are desirable to know to get a better idea of the why and how the country of my birth had a hand in creating the conditions which led my ancestors to emigrate in the first place. I think the world would be a better place if people took the time to understand the history and politics of ancestors which don't share their nationality.

As always, reblogs and thoughts are welcomed and encouraged!

Thank you for reading to the end - and if you'd like to support me, please see my pinned post. Diolch!

[honeystwiggypeach]

hi i hope you dont mind but if you're not that busy is it okay if you write this? huhu thank you!

reader telling jjk men (geto, gojo, nanami, toji, choso) that they are preggo and they've been trying for a few years already and are already thinking of surrogacy. please please please this can be months after they have a miscarriage too!

a rainbow baby! 😭

Hi hon!!! Sorry this came so late I got a bit caught up with school than my mom and aunts wanted to have dinner so that’s what I did today! Tysm for the request! I try to remain as respectful as possible when I write requests like this or about sensitive topics so pls tell me if I misphrase or say anything poorly so I can correct it!!

Ps. I didn’t do choso because idk his personality well and I don’t know if I’m confident in writing him😭

Tw- mentions of past miscarriages, rainbow baby, infertility, surrogacy, anything mentioned in the request, grief, (in Geto’s people besides parents try and explain death and miscarriage to the twins so reader gets upset)in gojos the pregnancy is both unplanned and not known about, birth, pregnant reader if your uncomfortable with anything relating to loosing a child/pregnancy I advise that you do not read this one! Pls let me know if I missed anything!!

Geto

He took it hard, he loved the twins with his whole heart he truly did but he missed having babies to look after, maybe it was just baby fever but he felt like your little family wasn’t quite complete.

Unfortunately when you’d found the missing piece, it didn’t work out, unfortunately in your second trimester you had miscarried. You and Geto were both devastated, and everyone for a while everyone treated the two of you as ticking time bombs ready to explode at any moment.

The girls didn’t quite understand, they knew that they were supposed to have a sibling soon and now they weren’t going to but that was it, they couldn’t comprehend it yet and the amount of times you both had to stop people from explaining it to them horrified you.

This time when you’d fallen pregnant, you decided that maybe you two should keep this one a bit secret just in case, so when you’d first told Geto it was in the safety of your bedroom you’d sat beside him your hands behind your back before quickly pulling out the test.

“Are you serious” his voice is a bit quiet as it crackles.

You were his only weak spot, of course besides his children…but of course he would never let you know that…not like it was obvious or anything. He practically sobs when you give him a little nod, he lets out the same quiet muffled sobbing noise when he sees his son for the first time laid on your chest.

Gojo

Honestly it hurt you a lot. His family was really into the idea of you carrying a biological heir, but sometimes it felt like you just weren’t capable of doing so. Honestly you’d started to even look into surrogacy because you couldn’t handle all the unfortunate things that continued to happen every time you would even talk about pregnancy.

When you’d been getting intense abdominal cramps you decided maybe you shouldn’t test it and checked yourself into the hospital, where you found out you were in labour, within the hour Gojo had arrived to see you sat up in the hospital bed with the cutest little baby girl laid on your chest. You smile dazedly as he stares down at the two of you in wonder.

“She’s real” he whispers as he touches the little fluffy whisper of hair she has. His fingers just barely graze her scalp and she scrunches and thats what triggers his tears.

Nanami

It was just bad news after bad news, it was beginning to feel like maybe you shouldn’t have a baby at all. Of course when Nanami had heard you mutter this one night after you’d talked about trying for a baby again, he smiled guiltily, “if this doesn’t work there’s surrogacy or even adoption” he knows that you don’t want either of those, you want what everyone else is able to have, he can hear the way you cry in the bathroom after another negative test about how unfair it is and how cruel the world can be.

But this time there’s no crying no shouts of how unfair it is, there’s silence and Nanami at first thinks you’ve fallen and hurt yourself but when he hears your squeal he knows that isn’t the case.

He pushes the door open softly to see you holding the test you smile up at him as you show him the two little pink lines, “it’s positive” you tell him and it takes a moment to register but when it does he’s got a wide smile as he bends down softly peppering kisses along your face.

Toji

He was rather reserved already but after you’d lost the baby, it became worse. Toji not only was reserved but he was reclusive, not eating dinner with you and Megumi not even greeting you anymore.

He’d come out at night and creep around the house to avoid seeing you two, he didn’t understand how to process the loss and had resorted to cutting off the world while he grieved.

One of these nights however he’s not quiet enough and you flicker on the lights, Toji is stood over the sink as he chugs down tap water.

“Toji” you call out, “Will you come to bed?” And when he lays down beside you it feels like heaven. He’s wrapped in your warm embraces as you whisper soft reassurances he doesn’t tell you that your comfort and soft touch made him cry long after you fell asleep.

Almost a year after that, you’d fallen pregnant, and Megumi was the one to help you tell him as he pranced around the house all day in a tee shirt that said big brother on it.

Honestly it was adorable and you loved seeing little Megumi be so happy when his dad furrowed his brows holding his boy up by the armpits to get a good look at what his shirt said glancing down to your belly than back to Megumi before his eyes meet yours.

“You’re serious?” He asks still holding up Megumi.

You give him a little nod paired with a nervous giggle and he sets Megumi down softly going over to hug you as Megumi continues to stomp around the kitchen.

If anyone wants to see anything else pls let me know!! Omg guys!!! Do you want to see reader and maybe like teen Megumi?(reader is with Toji, but maybe like reader being a mom figure to Megumi and while he’s got a fever he unintentionally calls her mama, which he hadn’t done since he was really young?? And Toji like hugging reader a bit when she cries because she misses him being a baby and being affectionate???? I’m gonna sob someone request it pls???)

[bots-and-cons]

Helloo, I wanted to request an hc from TFP with Optimus Prime, Smokescreen and Bumblebee where there's a raging thunderstorm outside their base and they're using Optimus as a shield by hiding under him 😄, I wanted to know what their thoughts and reactions were

This felt like an easy one to write, so I just decided to do HCs for it. I’m still sick and I feel like I’m just getting worse, so I haven’t really gotten anything done, but I wanted to write something. This went off topic, but I don’t careeeeeee

•Of course there were storms on cybertron too, but what in the name of Primus is this?

•Why is there so much noise? Where did the power go? What is going on?

•Optimus has read about thunderstorms after the first one he experienced, so he knows how they work, at least on a surface level and the thunder crashing doesn’t make him jump anymore

•None of the bots like going out when there’s a thunderstorm because they’re metal and they conduct electricity well

•They wouldn’t die if they were struck by lighting, but it definitely wouldn’t be a pleasant experience

•Bumblebee and Smokescreen learned this the hard way, they went to the top of the base when it was thundering and they got stuck by lighting while they training

•So the moment Bee kicked Smokes he got struck by lighting and they both got zapped

•It was not fun, and when they didn’t come back down for a while Ratchet went to look for them and found both of them knocked out cold 

•They woke up quite quickly after Ratchet tried to wake them up, Bee first and Smokes not long after

•Bee was like “Did I do that?” and Ratchet explained the whole lightning thing to him, telling him that no, he doesn’t have weird electricity powers

•So after that the two youngsters were pretty freaked out when there was a thunderstorm

•Bee was the first to huddle next to Optimus, and Smokescreen followed soon after, because he saw that Optimus didn’t mind

•Optimus is happy to provide comfort to the two young mechs, and he doesn’t even really have to do anything, just pat them on their helms every time they got spooked 

•Smokescreen especially isn’t a big fan of thunderstorms since he’s so new to them, because he hasn’t been on earth for very long and his first experience of it was very negative

•Optimus isn’t the most talkative mech, but if it helps the two youngsters keep calm, he will gladly just tell them about everything he learned when he was an archivist at Iacon

•And boy he has a lot to tell them

•Then there’s a power outage, and before the generators kick in, there’s just dead silence for a second before Bee starts buzzing frantically and Smokes is like “What is happening?!?!”