#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around

[clumsypuppy]

i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand

[charmedsquirell]

How I got into the void

Hey guys,

My name is Sylvie. i want to share that two years ago, I started to look into the void state because I was in bad place in my life. I wanted to be useful for my family and give them everything in an instant. I downloaded tumblr and started to follow all the blogs I could find. I found a lot of information. Most of it contradicted one another and that confused me a lot. The people that helped me the most were b4ddprincess, lucky kiwii, adambja and wizlizbelle. When Wizliz left, i also deleted my tumblr since she was the only one who i used to rant to and i was really suicidal.

i found her again and started to ranting to her about my life which was irritating and I'm sure like most bloggers do not want to be trauma dumped on but i just did not have anyone on my side. But I wanted to make this post bc i know her blog doesn't exist anymore but there were people who wanted to know more about this stuff. I basically asked for tarot readings from her so i could see why it was not working for me and i would like ask every single day. one day she told me that my only problem is resistance. I will try my best to explain it like she did.

so basically the ego feeds on resistance because it knows you do not believe in the positive things you tell it fully and some people have their ego under control, some people do not. I used to do like 4 hour non stop affirming every day and it did not work for me. so she said stop affirming, stop asking tarot, and give in to the voice. I was like is she guiding me to do the wrong thing but then she said it helped her a lot. So i was not believing in this but i did it (she sent a script of what to say) and the voice came

"you will never date Alek and he will never love you" and i said "yeah i know. and?"

"you will never lose weight and be fat forever" and i said " yeah i won't. and?"

"you will never enter the void state" and i said "yeah i know i won't, and?" and then the voice like just stopped. there was nothing. literally nothing and my mind had never ever been clear. so i teold her like this happened and she says "you basically tamed your ego and put it to sleep by giving it what it wanted to hear but because you've been affirming and trying all these methods in your past, your subconscious will not buy into negtivity. Your subconscious is the part of your brain that cannot function on its own and blindly believes you. It cannot even see what u see."

i was literally so shocked because i would always affirm "no! he will love me and i'll enter the void" like trying to convince the go but wiz said that you can tame the ego and make it work for you instead of trying to convince it. when you agree with it, it becomes silent. like oh she gave me what i wanted to hear, now what? so now when i would think "the void is hard" automatically i would hear "no it's not". like not even me saying it but just a same voice that would be negative before.

look, i do not really care for like what is and what is not or whatever drama that happened. and it was bad to see her go but the truth is that we do not need to hear from others. Of course if she had not told me, i would not know but sometimes putting in the work does more damage than good sometimes and i used to see many like me here.

So then finally i tried this at night, when lying down i let the negativity came in and i did not resist it. when my mind became completely silent (it took maybe one to two minutes) i said "i am in the void" and i felt no resistance. then i did not expect anything but just to affirm over and over. finally i was there. it was the void and i knew because i did not even feel my whole body just like a floating thing like ball of light. I affirmed that my dad would get his job back and my bf would love me. i affirmed for losing weight. all that came true so fast but i spent time in the void. when i woke up, i had it. my dad was happy he brought sweets to celebrate. everything else came true as well. so now i come back to tumblr to say goodbye again that maybe we have to work with us and not against.

just to be safe, this is just my experience and i'm not gonna like respond or anything bc i do not want to be a blogger especially after seeing the drama. you may not feel this way but this worked for me. maybe it will work for you and maybe not.

[rayroseu]

You know what's sick as hell about the design of the Briar Senates??? It's that their design mirrors the weapon of the Draconias 😭✨

I know they're getting flak rn bcs they feel like "boomers who's against any progress because they value toxic tradition" but i don't really think they're like... entirely evil lol or the root of every bad thing that happened in Malleus'/Lilia's life (though im side eyeing them as one of the perpetrators still lol)

Tbh, removing them would also cause more harm (just some social issues inside the fae society tbh) than good imo, (I know many ppl say this bcs they think removing the Senates would make it possible for the peace between human and faes, but the thing is, the Senates aren't the only group that thinks this way, almost the entirety of Briar Valley does lol so forcibly removing them now would only come off as "Malleus forcing "human ideals" on the faes just because he has spent 4 years with the humans"(plus is the understanding between humans and faes truly achieved if you try to silence one group(even if that group is kinda disagreeable with anything human related lol), plus realistically the faes would trust their fellow faes first rather than some humans,

so for me, Briar Senates doesn't give off the vibe of toxic old people who drags others down in their toxic practices (while that can be an accurate description i feel like it generalizes too much about their behaviour), rather than that, Briar Senates feels more like thorns, like thorns that surrounds Briar Valley, they're not exactly harmful unless you go against them, but ultimately they're still protection for Briar Valley.

Which makes it fitting that their design has a similarity with the Draconia's weapon, they're the thorns that protects the Draconias, even if it means sheltering them.

And, tbh, if the Senates other job is to ensure Draconias lives, they're kinda doing a "decent job"??? If we can assume through Maleficia's (and Malleus' case), since we didnt hear about her leaving the Senate's side, she managed to survive for so long, unlike Meleanor😭 Also could explain why they're so enraged when Lilia arrived with the news that Meleanor died and why they hated the weak bcs what would weakness could protect JJDSJD Kinda wish their hatred against Lilia wasnt that he was a weak bat fae, but rather they doubled down on the fact he failed protecting Meleanor, imagine if Gen. Lilia wasnt as great in magic as the fae nobles were, yet he still managed to earn a position beside the Princess, all that hard work only to fail at the most crucial time, it wouldve make sense in the Senates' side to say, "Meleanor shouldnt have appointed him" (because "he's weak from the start")

oh additionally, this is just my assumption, bcs I felt like the way the Senates recoiled when Lilia hatched the egg was kinda... random?? so this is my made up reason lol Remember, the Senates were adamant that Maleficia should only be the one to hatch the egg because she's a Draconia, but Lilia did it and he's not a Draconia, What if because Lilia hatched the egg, it also affected the development of Malleus?? Like maybe for instance, it affected Malleus' lifespan, maybe he still lives more than one thousand years but he won't live for another thousand years like a pure Draconia because he's been hatched by Lilia as opposed to who they wanted it to be, which is Maleficia, OF COURSE Lilia hatching the egg is heaps better than Malleus dying before being born, but this is just my auto thoughts regarding the random hate reaction the Senates did when Lilia hatched Malleus lol

Interestingly, the placement of the stone of Draconia against the thorns (of the Senates) can also be hinted at their relationship with them??? In Meleanor's case, her stone is on top of the thorns, which may indicate that she's not under the Senate's commands or that its just telling she just lived distantly from the Senates, most importantly her stone is bigger than the thorns which may tell the fact that the Senates worships her because she's powerful and greater than them, and she's not someone who can be trapped/ordered around within the Senates. But, tragically, in Malleus' case, his stone is under the thorns, like its telling that he's under the Senates protection at all cost and his stone is little compared to Meleanor's because he's still young.

I also have a theory that the Senates are part of Briar Valley's land, like its been canonically said that they're the dead faes of Briarland, which makes think that their death is similar to the death of Conall from Maleficent 2, when Conall was buried, his body literally morphed to the land, which makes me think this is how the Senates used to be buried, when they die, they become one with the land, that's why you can't just remove them, when they are literally the Lands of Briar Valley,,,, get it lol

Though this is making me think that if this is the case then Maleficia's city,,, if the Senate's presence are the strongest there bcs that's where they're nearly buried, does that mean around Black Scale Castle is just lowkey a graveyard.... Is that why Halloween is special for Briar Valley bcs they have close ties/respect for the dead and Halloween is essentially about honoring the dead 😭✨

Off topic, but maybe the thorns part of the Draconia's staff may also tell about their age. Notice how Meleanor's staff has 3 twists which may tell that she's atleast 300~ years old, (if each twists signifies a century), while Malleus' staff only has one twist on its thorns which is accurate considering he's only 178 years old (one century).

If this is true, I'm kinda curious about Maleficia's staff... does that mean hers will be convered in thorns (she needs at least 7 twists (7 centuries~ and more) there on her staff 😭✨)

[fujoshi-her]

dolly dog man readthrough #8

grime and punishment

THERE'S SOME INSANE SYMBOLISM IN THIS ONE

also yes i skipped a readthrough and yes it is in my drafts, im publishing it later bc i had problems with the image files

this is a metaphor for life and having the autonomy to choose your own path and this is probably gonna be the theme for the rest of the book

im guessing

all of grampa's experiences with others in life have been transactional, likely since childhood, to the point that he is unable to see others in any way other than a means to an end

while his son, petey, fits an NPD diagnosis almost exactly, grampa seems to fit an ASPD diagnosis almost exactly.

anddd

andddd

this is the most open he has been about his feelings. and its in an altered state

this is a metaphor for people who avoid therapy and medication, instead opting into dependence on recreational drugs to regulate and process their emotions

petey hangs onto the hate towards his father because it's the only thing he has left with him in relation to his father. giving up the hate would mean giving up his father, and deep down he still just wants to be loved, so he settles for what he's given

being a witness to abuse is really hard, especially when you're trying to explain it to someone who wasn't around to see it, someone younger. you want to protect them from the harsh knowledge, but you want them to understand your pain. it's even harder when you have to watch your other parent simply take it, settle with the abuse, because they feel like there's no escape. it makes you lose hope and really shapes your expectations for what life will look like for the worse.

OH FUCK. SHIT

side note: the composition of these frames is really nice... in the second frame, his son's speech bubble comes from behind him, as if it's sneaking up on him. the sizzling of the pan goes off the page to the right, continuing as his son talks, but it abruptly stops once he finishes the sentence. it literally shows the room going quiet.

in the last frame, petey is super far behind him. there's a divide between him. it's as if li'l petey is fading into the background and an invisible barrier, petey's memories, is brought to the foreground. a divide between them, really showing how different their experiences of life are.

i also appreciate how the color changes of the background went through these panels, starting a deep angry color, fading to a more neutral, some tension with the yellow, and then desaturating as the question is asked.

silhouette comes in clutch every time. this entire scene is genuinely a cinematic masterpiece

i appreciate that they took the time to show that even when there's tension between them he still makes sure to take care of li'l petey

sickening page

this was created so beautifully.

the third panel is absolutely stunning, the symbolism managed in the imagery in such a simplistic comic is incredible. the bottled weeds from earlier in the book on the counter, the weeds that li'l petey specifically referred to as dying, which ended up symbolizing resistance in struggle... in this scene, it means both of those things at the same time. there's a duality.

also, the buds of the weeds being white i assume symbolizes grief and loss. outside, it's dark, the world is a dark place, but they've made a loving home together, which is why the walls are still multicolored. petey is struggling with issues from the past, but this time he's not alone and he can't give up. it's a lot of mixed feelings, just like the mixed colors on the wall.

he has a point, the little anarchist has a point

ACAB chief my beloved

he just does it for the fun of the game

i feel like im witnessing a Socratic seminar in comic form

to hate or not to hate

or smth

YEAH TELL EM LI'L PETEY SET THOSE BOUNDARIES

bro needs to stop parentifying his child !!

I KNEW THAT WAS GONNA COME BACK.

shitt bro...

let go of your baggage or it will only weigh you down

also i rlly liked the artistic decision to make petey's outline glow more when hugging his son so cute

fun fact this is actually a DBT crisis skill called "Pushing Away"

when there's nothing else you can do to make a situation better, you're allowed to give yourself the benefit of retiring from it. you're not required to stick it out for every problem in your life. you are allowed to have peace of mind

and now grampa has no choice to accept the situation for how it is. it's settled and boundaries are set. he can't wriggle out of them. it was a direct, neutral statement with no judgement. when you're in the wrong, sometimes that's the hardest thing to sit with. if someone tells you something you did with no judgement and you feel ashamed because of it, you can't blame it on the way they said it, you can only blame it on what you did.

PERFECT DBT SKILLS. PERFECT BOUNDARIES SETTING.

yeah this is essentially what people are saying when they try to make you explain your boundaries

if you fight enough with someone they may forget their footing and adjust their boundaries, but you don't have to fight, you don't have to explain your boundaries, you can just set them and leave it.

real shit bro real shit

IM FUCKING TWEAKING HOLY SHIT

that bottle again,,,,

after years of struggle he lets his inner child finally feel and see. he travelled his path and now he's ready to share his resilience with the rest of the people in his life, ready to reconnect in a new way, instead of hiding his resilience in private, ashamed, as if it's a show of weakness. he's learnt the strength of being open

YOU CAN COLOR IT ANY WAY YOU WANT......

FIEND! FIEND! FIEND! FIEND!

so THISSS is the sauce they put in this book...

EACH BOOK KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND ALSO MORE HEARTBREAKING

IM GONNA GENUINELY START TWEAKING

DAV PILKEY WHAT ARE YOU

[bratbarzal]

https://kawhh.tumblr.com/post/784202736767057920/im-sorry-to-any-anons-on-here-who-will-only-feel

I know you're most likely sick of talking about this by now but this rubs me the wrong way.

Its like she's trying to downplay it all as 'drama' all the time and its getting so tiring. I'm pretty sure i've been blocked as anon even though i was never mean and she won't actually say what is going on or let anyone try and discuss it even though she says she doesn't mind asking for her side on things?

I think it's really hard for me to speak on this element of the situation and not come across as a bitch, or that I'm unnecessarily targeting someone and deflecting blame from the person who is at fault - but I've skipped out on answering a lot of anons who have either sent me links to things (I've said before, this person has me blocked and I can't view them, so I haven't responded) or had something to say about how it's being handled on this end, but ultimately I do think this user is a part of the overall conversation - and I can't really ignore the impact their actions have had on everything that has happened since this all started last month

a point I really want to make by speaking on this is that it's important for everybody that these things are spoken about publicly, and spoken about honestly, regardless of personal bias, because Brynn's actions genuinely hurt people and caused genuine harm to the writing and reading community on here. ignoring it or sugarcoating it does not take away from the pain caused or the damage done, and it's important to look at multiple perspectives to form an opinion

** I never have and I never will condone hateful messages sent to anyone - that is not the purpose of me speaking on this - and I urge people who want to have any conversation with anybody about this to be respectful, constructive, and not to shout over what is a serious point to be made, because it gets us all nowhere **

under a read more because it's long:

will preface by saying, this is not me trying to stand here on my soap box and point fingers and say that anyone is to blame for brynn's blatant and persistent content theft but herself. that isn't why I'm responding to this. and like I said above, this user has me blocked, I have her blocked, there's no other way for me to speak on it but to do so publicly (as much as she might hold the opinion I have no need to do so) and I sort of just want to show how all of this has had a wider impact on others in this space

I'll also preface by saying kawhh has said throughout that she doesn't agree with Brynn's actions, but as I'll explain below - actions speak louder than words, and the words she's said just aren't enough.

for anyone blocked, this is the post in question:

*most screenshots throughout this post are going to look different bc some of them come from others that have sent these to me - oftentimes by people trying to make me aware as it’s assumed they are about me, I don't know if that's the case, and nor do I actually care, this isn’t me trying to insert myself - the general consensus seems to be that anyone who speaks on this situation is a mean girl, a bully, or a bitch, and I think whoever she's trying to apply that to, it's a problematic take to have. I’m including pictures for context because I can’t link to posts.

my first point from this, is that she does have a responsibility to speak on this situation, and the reason I'm so insistent on responsibility and accountability, is because this user has a documented pattern of choosing to ignore and sensor the facts in favour of platforming, enabling and excusing her friend, despite her repeated abhorrent actions

when announcing brynn's return to the platform in a post that was encouraging forgiveness and giving second chances (no mention of all the other chances given for her to do the right thing), there was also no mention of the specific things she did that caused her to delete in the first place. there were several mentions of "brynn's actions" with no specific detail of what those were, and when she was explicitly asked, she then linked to a post which was an apology from brynn (again, not detailing the full extent of these actions, with repeated references to "what she did" or "her actions" and not a single one explaining in clear, direct terms what that was) and an ask she answered that said "she was taking other people's work from other websites and posting it here, at least some of it" - it's a watered down version of the truth used as a manipulation tactic to people who aren't getting the full story to be able to make an informed decision. she keeps adding that "nobody is saying that stops the hurt" but her repeated disregard of the severity of everything does take away from it

the point I'm making here, is that in situations like this - where she was encouraging people to forgive and forget - there needs to be a clear, unbiased reference for what they are supposed to be forgiving and forgetting, and the repeated cover up, in my opinion, was deceptive and manipulative

there were several available, unbiased posts that she never reblogged to her audience - one including a statement from brynn herself, made with the utmost respect on that user's part, and including screenshotted proof and a clear intention for transparency - that she could have linked to, but she repeatedly disregarded these, and even belittled, shamed and blocked the people who posted them on multiple occasions - stating that people were "stirring the pot for drama", "cashing in on drama and poking around" "being rude or bullying" and engaging in "drama book clubs"

several points then stem from things being handled this way

one being the repeated disregard for how many times people did address this privately - there were screenshots in the aforementioned posts circulating at the time that showed this was addressed privately to brynn dating back to 2023, with her continuing to steal and lie - handling it privately was no longer an option

and the second being the way these statements then trickled down into vicious messages spread across to the people who had the integrity to speak on it, and were shamed and ~virtually spat on for doing so

*these are asks that were posted publicly, and I have no doubt don't reflect the extent of how many people this sort of stuff was sent to, I haven't said who they were sent to but if you read this and want me to, I'll happily do so - not including the vitriol that has been sent to me over the last month, because like I said above, I'm trying to make a point of how far and wide this stuff spreads when handled poorly, however (obviously as someone who had to witness some of the things sent my way, it is clear where the source of the hatred came from, and that is not me saying she herself sent any hate, but that her posts inspired such a reaction - including specific verbiage used within her posts/responses)

tying into the above, and going back to my point about responsibility, throughout the time brynn was then gone, this user was encouraging people to send anons to forward to brynn, actively engaging her in a toxic environment that she, herself, said was the cause of her stealing in the first place, didn't give her a chance to distance herself from it or reflect on why she, for so long and without regard for anybody's feelings, let herself be consumed by engagement on this site, and played a big part in her returning to the platform when a lot of her other friends (who have made public posts that I won't link, because this isn't about them) were actively encouraging her to stay away, grow and learn - friends who then faced the same level of backlash and anon hate when brynn returned despite them trying to help in private

*I am basing this off of the excuses that brynn herself gave for her actions, not any assumption or opinion.

*I'll follow on from this by saying, I understand wanting to try and lighten the load of what was happening for her friend, and wanting her to know that there were people that were worried or cared, but if you're putting out statements saying this whole thing was brought on by an obsession with attention, you should not then be weaponising said attention when the girl clearly needed to remove herself entirely for a chunk of time and reflect on her actions - and all of that while continuing to cover up the actual thing she did

**an anon has since pointed out to me that you cannot send an ask, even on anon, if you don't already have an account, meaning brynn was active when she claimed to be offline, had full access to any content kawhh was forwarding to her without the need to encourage anons to get involved, and in my opinion, anon messages were being utilised to garner sympathy and again, manipulate kawhh's audience - this is my opinion, you can make your own mind up on whether or not you believe in those intentions, I don't want to force it on you but I think it's important to include she had a presence when she claimed not to, and at a time when a lot of other people were dealing with the aftermath of her actions unfairly, and I can't speak on whether kawhh would have been aware of this, but regardless, the whole anon thing should never have been encouraged

and encouraging these sorts of asks obviously then led to a premature return (which again, from public posts and private conversations, I know others were actively encouraging brynn not to do), to an audience kawhh had built of people who did not know what brynn did entirely, and were led to believe others being "bitches" was the problem - there is a public response to one of kawhh's posts that I won't sc, bc the user who commented was doing so based off of a lack of information, but this post was basically saying "SHAME ON EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT BRYNN AND BEING MEAN ABOUT BRYNN, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE THE SAME THINGS BEING SAID ABOUT YOU", proving that there was a false narrative that had been created around the whole situation

obviously it caused another wave of hurt and upset when brynn did come back, at which point kawhh repeatedly platformed her, again, never mentioning the specifics or the extent of her previous actions, despite several "explanation posts" from both of them, trying to enforce her own bias on her audience, and reblogging posts from brynn to her audience who she thus far has withheld the complete truth from (which are still on her page at this moment in time, with, again, no acknowledgement of anything that came to light yesterday)

and this is the point I'm trying to make - and why I have a problem with "it's between me, brynn and her friends" - kawhh herself utilised her own following to create a platform for brynn to come back, and to do the exact same thing over again, therefore perpetuating the same hurt to more people than will ever come forward - people came to her for updates on brynn, with messages to send to brynn, and for an explanation of what she did because they trusted her

and while she has said in vague and non-committal phrases, that she doesn't agree with what brynn did, she has never once publicly held her to account to the following she then manipulated into engaging once more

labelling this entire thing as "drama" and acting like she is above it belittles what brynn did, which includes but is not limited to

stealing multiple fics from other platforms

stealing multiple fics from this platform

stealing multiple fics from her FRIENDS

stealing multiple IDEAS from her friends, posted in private forums, and claiming them as her own

using conversations with her friends or posts by her friends to suit her own content, and pretending like they were her own

*also important to use the correct wording - she didn't "copy writing for some of her posts" - she STOLE writing, oftentimes full fic, changing names only, and at this point with all the evidence shown and everyone who has come forward, it was not some of her posts. It spanned asks, blurbs, fics, mood boards etc, and is presumably most of what she posted, including even random things said in a text post and down to random meme reaction pictures used. Her entire presence and most of her interactions with others were based on plagiarism and theft.

all across multiple years, having been confronted multiple times, and all while refusing to actually, explicitly, say what she did whenever she apologised, and who she did it to - and I'll assume (having spoken to double digits at this point worth of people) it's because the depths at which this whole situation spreads would absolutely disgust people. she blocked people who called her out - people who ended up being bullied back into deleting any post calling her out after receiving anon hate and nasty comments - and she played innocent to anyone who approached her (there are multiple screenshots of messages calling her out, and she gives the same watered down excuses in each one)

assuming 2023 is as far as it does go back, people have been bullied into silence, and the point I'm making here, and the pattern I'm trying to show - is that you can see how something as seemingly innocent as not wanting to condemn a friend's actions to others, contributes to them continuing to purposely hurt others for their own gain

too many people have tried to handle this privately, and have ~unintentionally enabled her over time

all of the things said above have directly contributed to a toxic environment for others on this app, where anyone who speaks on it is sent hate, people who were privately trying to support their friend were sent hate, and someone who repeatedly hurt and stole from others was given a platform to do so

like I said in the beginning, I have no delusions that I can say all this without seeming like a bitch, or like I'm deflecting blame from who is truly responsible - and I have no expectations that kawhh will respond well to this, but something needs to be said when she's constantly undermining the situation while lying to her audience, making endless indirects, and all in the name of "staying out of drama land" and pointing the finger at "mean girls"

she is the one who consistently makes an effort to cover up what brynn did, and so when she continues to do it, she should own up to the fact she can't shirk responsibility for her part in it happening again

AGAIN, I don't condone hate sent to anyone - I'm trying to bring awareness to the multitude of ways in which dealing with this situation with such little regard for anyone but brynn, has caused a ripple effect throughout the community, and I'm hoping it opens some eyes who might have been convinced by the deceptive posts made by kawhh throughout this mess that there's more than one side to a story

I also understand this seems like a vast overreaction to this particular ask, but I had a lot of asks yesterday that I didn't respond to until I could gather my thoughts, and am using this as one singular response

[toxycodone]

oviposition anon teehee i wanted to elaborate more last night but i was tired as fuck and zooted off the penjamin. but like getting separated from the rest of the party and encountering the slime creacher alone with Laios.... you think he'd tell you what the thing is? im sure he knows alllll about it, like he has a private little list of all the most fuckable monsters and of course the damn oviposition slime is on there. do u think he just dives right in head first, or does he try to create some kind of plausibly deniable situation in battle? youre terrified cause you cant make heads or tails of this creature in order to kill it and arent strong with fire magic but.... why does he look like he's having fun? and is that his clothes getting dissolved in there....? and why is he so hot all helpless suspended in the pink gel (ive just now decided the slime is pink), shuddering with pleasure as each near transparent egg enters his body? if you were to get caught by it without knowing what it is i dont think he'd leave you in there, but when he pulls you out of the goop his raging hard on is impossible to ignore and just BEGS questioning.... maybe you need to go seek out another one? or maybe i need to get writing

LISTEN TO ME. ANON YOU ARE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ONTO SOMETHING. (And I would 100% be down to read something full about this bc oh my god???) and pink slime is the superior color you’re based.

contents: monster fucking, mutual masturbation? if you can call it that?

When you two encounter the slime, Laios is oddly…excited? I mean, he’s always excited to see monsters, but this. Is different. He doesn’t brandish his weapon or look stiff at all when you two encounter it, so you put away yours and you’re like…what the fuck is the deal man??

Laios looks between you and the slime. After a few moments, he casually walks to you.

“Well…um…this slime. They’re usually aggressive, but, you can tell by the color that it’s breeding season. And they’re unusually docile when this occurs…”

So you’re like? Okay. Awesome. No fight required. Let’s get out of here.

But Laios taps his fingers. He looks away a little as he plays with his thumbs.

“You see…it’s docile. But it doesn’t mean we can just leave. Unless we want to find another route. But it’s going to keep going until it eventually finds an adventurer…to use as a host….”

And you’re kinda like um? So do you wanna kill it? Or

And Laios is like “I HAVE AN IDEA. So…the secretions of this slime numb pain and promote healing. If we help this slime out…we can get some of those. It may be useful when Marcille’s out of mana….” Laios then puts his hands on your shoulders and looks at you seriously. “I PROPOSE…we let this slime use us as hosts. And in return, we collect its secretions and save any other unaware adventurer an encounter with it!”

And you’re floored. But once he explains to you, it’s just eggs (they lay them in adventurers to spread their kind to other floors). And it’ll feel *good*. You put your hands on your hips.

“Let me guess. You’ve been waiting for us to encounter this monster, huh….?”

*Cue that iconic Laios blushing panel.*

Anyways, you accept. Laios gives you the rundown from his guide and notes from his journal. First, you have to remove your clothing. The slime will get them soaked and likely tear them to shreds anyways, and if you don’t have a spare you’re screwed. Then, the slime’s secretions will coax you into relaxation. You’ll feel yourself go limp, but it’s not a bad thing. It’ll just make it easier for this whole process—so don’t fight it. Lastly…just enjoy? The slime does all the work and the eggs aren’t dangerous. You’ll pass them in a few days when the incubation period has succeeded (Laios wants to keep one or two to eat, but he doesn’t explicitly say that now).

And so you agree. It seems…oddly fun. Neither of you get time to really do anything sexual while dungeon crawling. And this seems like a good release.

And so you let it happen and it’s fucking MIND BLOWING. The slime’s secretions are absorbed through your skin as it surrounds you, making you feel some weird mix between drunk and high. Your body is limp, but everything you feel is extremely heightened.

The slime teases you all over and gently prods at your holes before slowly opening you up. (if you have a cervix) it’s numbing properties keep it from hurting as it spreads you open and pumps its eggs into your womb/hole. It’s honestly one of the best experiences you’ve had.

It’s like. Some sort of ethereal mutual masturbation experience with Laios, because when you look at him his skin is almost as pink as the slime. His brows are furrowed, eyes shut tight as he moans wantonly, not a care in the world. You can tell when an egg is laid in him bc his face contorts, but then his licks his lips and lets out a shaky moan. There’s already streaks of white in the slime and you’re not sure if it’s just a ton of precum or if he’s already came from the slime.

But you don’t have a lot of time to think about that before you’re shuddering from your own orgasm. It seems the slime coaxes as many as it can from you and Laios—as the more you relax and enjoy the experience the easier it is to continue pumping eggs into your system.

And afterwards, the slime resumes its usual light blue color and withdraws from you two. If you weren’t mistaken…you’d think it was blushing….theres two pink patches left on its “cheeks” as it slithers away, streaks of cum and slick still present in its body.

And. Of course. In typical Laios fashion, while you two are coming back to your senses, covered in slick and slime and who knows what else. All he can do is look at you with that same dopey lovestruck expression and mumble about how much he loves you.

[riding-the-sunset-bird]

Hey!

Since I started playing August last year I'd been lurking on the reddit (since I don't have an account) and always found the posts of the person who was writing "what choices determine Cove's X" so insightful and loved reading them

recently, i played the baxter DLC (still am not over it, it's my most favourite thing ever; i just love our pepe le pew) so I spent a lot of time on the reddit just reading up about him and what others thought bcs i LOVE deep analysis on characters that I've liked and I stumbled upon a bunch of your comments (which again, loved reading!) and I put a name to the comment

found the same username on tumblr and simultaneously found out you were the one who goes into the games files and wrote those posts I loved so, AH! Hi!

hahah my 'fangirling' and backstory aside, right after I played Baxter's DLC I felt like I didn't understand the reasons behind his actions? I know everyone talks about how he has self-worth issues and wanted to just be a memory but I don't get how that all correlated to completely detatching and not wanting to be a part of MC's life? Like did he care at all? If he didn't, why keep your number and the gift you gave him in one of the memories (Sightseeing?). But if he did care, how did he so easily at the beginning distance himself professionally? AND THEN REMINISCE ON ALL OUR MEMORIES TOGETHER BUT GO BACK TO PROFESSIONAL; LIKE WHAT WAS THE INTENTION

I feel like it is such a stupid question since it seems like everyone else gets it and the game explains it so many times but I just did not get it 😭

so if you could! could you help me understand it a little better? (and if you have talked about it before, no pressure to rewrite it all here I'd happily read another post of yours about it if you could kindly link it!)

i hope that makes sense haha, hope you have a lovely day and genuienly THANK YOU for what you do with your blog! its so great and even if you don't answer this ask i will LOVE reading everything you still put out!

-jaycee <3

*ahem*

Firstly--AAAAAAA >//////<

Thank you so much!! I do my best to help out so people can understand the code, and at times I just see it as something fun for me. So, when people enjoy them as well, it makes me so happy~

Also, I'd be delighted to answer your questions about Baxter! His DLC is absolutely packed so I get that sometimes it's hard to absorb it all. You asking someone for "help" and wanting to understand (rather than simply giving up or writing the DLC off) is admirable, honestly, not something to feel stupid about!

For me personally, I do believe that there are layers to it, and I'll try to do things in a different enough way/simplify them linearly in case that might help. Included will be quotes from the game to help things flow best.

All that said, let us now go on this journey into Baxter's mind together! ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

(note that this got so long that I put a TL;DR/summarized version at the end, I just thought it was important to go into as much as possible; I also have a Reddit comment here that has a smaller/quoteless explanation)

Childhood and Early-to-Mid Teens

Let's take this chronologically. Picture a young Baxter Alexander Ward all the way back in Golden Grove. He's a rich boy with rich parents, and by rich, we're talking really rich. What already is so much to an adult is virtually limitless in the mind of a child, and it earns him a certain reputation amongst the population. Everyone knows the name of the Mr. and Mrs. Ward's only child, and it makes him extremely popular.

However, that doesn't mean he has true company, especially as his neighborhood situation is quite the opposite from the MC of either Our Life version, who are given one or two easily-accessible friends depending on the game.

"The land my family home was built on… I suppose you could call it somewhat remote. It's a fair-sized estate, situated a little ways off from the rest of the town. So, until I moved into college dorms, I'd go as far as to say that I'd never had neighbors before."

In other words, there's no one around his age nor does he have a sibling to play with. This isn't a big deal at first, given that he's young, innocent, and raised where anything he wanted was in his parents' budget. He's expected to act a certain way, certainly, but he can't understand the idea of needing anymore than what he has: he's the cute rich boy that has "everything" and that every kid wants to be close to.

So much so that it gives him an ego about it.

"What I do distinctly recall is that as a child I unequivocally thought I was better than other people. That those who met me were lucky, and I could pick anyone I wanted as company. The onus was on everyone else to impress. "If someone was boring or maybe I just didn't like the colors they were wearing that day, I could find a new playmate, easily. After all, I had the most to offer. "Naturally, what I was 'offering' was what my parents had. A big, cool house, exciting outings, the best toys. It wasn't until I was eleven or so when I developed my first stable friends. They might not have been rich like me, but they had their own charms. Those ties couldn't be replaced."

"I loved it when they would come and visit; there was scarcely anything better. They never got over their sense of awe, and I ate it up."

"Becoming attached to other people, especially those people, made me realize what I'd believed wasn't true. And it was so obvious. They were wonderful. I felt things I never had before. "All it took was being who they were. It didn't matter what their parents did. No fancy venue could top genuine comradery with their company. "And for whatever reason, I was in the club, and I was happy. The person who was lucky to be there was me. "I had wanted my friends to feel the same way towards me. To have that kind of incredible effect on another person for no reason other than that I was Baxter."

Thus, the confident boy Baxter sees in the mirror everyday, like a framed painting of the kind of person everyone wants to be, becomes distorted. Kids didn't flock to him because he was "Baxter," but because he was a rich boy who could wow them. He felt that even the friends he did manage to acquire only hung out with him because they were lovely people, because they also were not immune to being awed by his rich boy things, and because he got lucky.

Qiu - who's part of his friend group - being his first crush likely doesn't help matters. It's no longer about his own personal satisfaction, where he shows off and the kids involved do little more than stroke his ego; now there are kids who are the ones offering him something, and it's something he didn't even know he was missing.

This begins the initial spark of self-worth issues for Baxter, and it's a spark that snowballs as time goes on. He doubts himself, he doubts his ability to make his friends happy in the way that they make him happy, and he - when he's fourteen - goes so far as to doubt the impression something as simple as his hair gives off.

"The generous might say I could count it as black, or that it was 'black in the right light' as my parents placatingly put it. "The fact of the matter is that it's a dusty gray."

"Who would notice a color that wasn't exactly black? And why would they care, even if they did? "Me. I noticed. I noticed and it bothered me, so I dyed it. "Was it something I wanted only for my own preference, or was it because I believed if I saw it as an imperfection then that meant everyone else did? "Probably the latter."

(note that this is around the time that an MC might meet him in Soiree and potentially become his second crush)

So now you have a double-edged sword of sorts where Baxter wants to be good enough as he is, yet is actively covering up the parts of himself that he deems as flaws to be corrected.

In trying to craft this "perfect/better" version of himself, he's created a scenario in which he cannot win. Even if said version could make people happy, he is still not the real version of himself and goes on believing that any amount of joy he does create isn't even "him" doing it anyway.

This is already excluding the fact that his parents are *:��ﾟ✧ garbage ✧･ﾟ:* who always wanted him to act a particular way, and he knew they'd take issue with him if they didn't raise him personally.

"They understand care through the lens of control and protection. That's been their way ever since I was young. In that sense, they treat me no different from a child. "But, of course, they are quiet, educated, esteemed, and a tad old. As is their company, most days. That's not the environment to act as a kid. "That meant I've always been expected to behave with the maturity of someone their own age, or perhaps even older, somehow. "A bit of a paradox, isn't it? Do everything as an adult would while getting the respect an infant does."

"They're family and I'm their son. That is what matters at the end of the day, blood related or not. "I'm thankful for that as well. "Now, if I wasn't the boy they raised together in any capacity, then there would be problems."

Even the air of sophistication he has comes from his upbringing (though he's at least made that his own). There's the Baxter he actually is, the Baxter his parents expect him to be, and the Baxter he's trying to build up for himself to be someone he thinks can make those he cares for happy, all things that he tries to deal with himself as if that's at all manageable or healthy for him.

To the surprise of no one, things still aren't perfect. Without a trust that his friends like him simply because they like him, he doesn't realize - or refuses to contend with - the truth of the situation, and the age gap between them starts causing difficulties.

"I was older than all of them. As sheltered as I was, I got along better with kids not quite my own age. Immature as always, hm? "Life changed fast then, and the years between us became more noticeable with every day. I never reached a point where I felt like I knew what I was doing before suddenly, it was as if I didn't belong with them anymore. "That they didn't have time to keep me around with the differences in our schedules and priorities. And I accepted that. So, the friendships ended. We stopped talking as young teens, and I haven't even seen them since I left for college in 2015. "I thought they mattered to me, but when have I done anything for them? Why did I deserve to be liked and included when all I did was want that to happen and abandon them when it didn't?"

Now we're getting closer to the white-and-black-haired Baxter we know as, at the time he leaves Golden Grove, he's just one year away from his visit to Sunset Bird and simultaneously no closer to knowing what he's doing. He's broken off from his old, cherished, and only significant friend group, and now he's all the way on the other side of the country in Virginia by himself.

He's still chaotic, still kindhearted, yet has no clue that he deserves to have the kind of companionship he longs for. In the year of him being at college, he fails to make those kinds of connections, whether intentionally or otherwise.

"Instead, you could say I don't have many friends. I spend the majority of my time on my own, though I do attend parties and other gatherings when I am able. "I do not have anything quite similar waiting for me there. Don't feel bad about that. "It is only to be expected. I did move across the country. It is a fairly common phenomenon for those of us who do. I'm a regular fish out of water, if you will."

"It hasn't been easy to find anyone to reminisce with, not for a while. But then again, I only developed a sentimentality once I'd gone off to college. "I was too young and proud for that sort of matter before then. There wasn't anything in my life to harbor much sentimentality for. I suppose leaving was the catalyst. Isn't it always? "But once that part of my mind had developed, there wasn't anyone around to share the emotions with. My classmates and I… we don't have that kind of relationship."

His parents are also just as controlling as ever, only allowing him to enjoy his semester off from college under their rules and in a place they personally chose and are comfortable with. Baxter, who had no interest in going home to Golden Grove and thus agrees to the terms, can only make himself comfortable by finding his own ways of having fun, such as renting a car despite being underage.

"At a minimum, I can honestly say that I wish that I missed it, if that makes sense. I don't know how you feel about your hometown particularly, but you should at least be able to appreciate that I spent all of my youth there. "I'm not so jaded as to totally discount the place, far from it. But anything I liked about my home wasn't exactly exclusive to that locale. The US is a big country, and there are plenty of beautiful things to see wherever you go. "I've experienced enough to know that much, at least. So no, I don't miss it. And I won't be going back. "If my parents wish to see me, they'll have to be the ones visiting where I am.

"Mother and Father agreed to me vacationing on my own, but under the condition that they would have the choice of where I stayed. "California being fairly close by, and Sunset Bird being so quaint, not to mention our prior excursions to the area, they concluded that this was the easiest way to keep me out of trouble."

Basically, it's all going back to his line about expecting him to behave as an adult whilst treating him like a child. He's permitted to vacation by himself but only in a town as "boring" as Sunset Bird where there would naturally be very few teenagers around his age. His streak for being a bit of a rebel reflects that.

What he doesn't expect is to meet a new group of people and the MC in particular, who unintentionally challenges his negative view on himself.

Step 3

From the very beginning, Baxter takes immediate interest in the MC and Cove, wanting to make one of those "blissful, temporary relationships" that will last the summer. Already, we have something of note, which is the 50/50 success rate he ended up having: MC and Terry were all for the absurdly friendly monochrome man that swooped into town, whereas Cove and Miranda were more hesitant (and thus didn't spend as much time with him) because his directness tended to put them off.

"I care a great deal about what I say and that it makes the correct impression. Yet I am not always successful. My approach is off, really."

"Now, this may be a complete shock to you, but… I've been told that I can come across as a bit too forward. I know. It can be hard to believe. My intent is to be open with people so we can connect. It almost never works out that way, though. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't possess a knack for making friends. "It was obnoxiously easy when I was a child. Especially due to that aforementioned big, cool house. But now I keep finding myself at a loss for how to do it. With the hit-or-miss endeavor, the vast majority of the time I come up with a miss."

"And I've never been in a stable, long-term relationship. They've all been brief, and varying levels of disastrous."

Put more simply, Baxter knows what he wants but doesn't understand what people want out of him (believing more that they don't want him at all). On some level, he's flying blind and simply does what he can to put his best foot forward, not wanting to miss opportunities when they present themselves to him. He's someone who likes seeing people thrive and enjoy themselves, and it's even better if he knows that he caused it.

"I live for approval."

Thus, as the "perfect summer tourist" who wants to vacation and have a fun time with those that he can, he seeks to do everything possible to make it memorable. That doesn't mean that he goes out of his way to do things he doesn't want to or portray himself as this person who doesn't even resemble who he actually is, but he puts on an air of not having any flaws that would cause him to be any form of burden to others.

This is even excluding the parallel of a group of four friends that he's involved with yet feels distant from or like he doesn't belong in at the same time; history repeating itself and what not, though in his case it's more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, emphasized by the possibility of him asking the MC out on a summer fling.

"I don't care about what label you'd choose to put to it. I could be your boyfriend, or nothing at all. "And you can also change your mind without consequence, if you find out it's not what you imagined further down the line."

Baxter gives the MC every out he can to make things as convenient as possible for them, not only so that the relationship isn't serious and they don't have to worry about it, but so they can break it off whenever they wish. He knows full well that even the person he's presenting himself as won't please everyone and sets everything up so he can almost anticipate the ending if the MC gets bored with him because he fails to impress.

He's interested in them, attracted to them, and feels that he'll enjoy their company, but he only thinks he can do the same on the short-term; that small amount of time where people are still learning about one another where little else is hoped for beyond good things.

Another way of looking at it is based on Baxter's view of control.

"It might not surprise you to know that I can be a touch… particular. I know the importance of coherence, with individuals acting in a well-coordinated fashion. And I like things to function well-for systems to operate smoothly. "I confess, you could call me controlling, at times. Not with people, but with processes. Especially when it comes to enacting plans. I'd much rather act under my own steam than follow someone else's lead. "I'm only flexible with the personal, not the business, aspects of life."

His relationship with the MC is, on some level, a process. It's something for him to carefully plan out and calculate to make it the best he can for them. Getting more personal would involve him revealing the parts of himself that he finds distasteful and believes the MC will as well.

Of course, he doesn't anticipate growing attached to them, which brings in the "risk versus reward" aspect. This can be seen when Baxter initially agrees to have drinks with the MC in the morning that he hates so much, where the safe option would be to simply postpone until another day, except he wants to spend time with them as soon as possible.

In that respect, it's not unlike him struggling to decide on the type of ice cream he'd like.

"My problem is this: I'm unsure if I should get a dessert that's to my usual taste. If I do, I'd be certain to enjoy what comes from the ice cream truck. That would be nice. "But, on the other hand, this may happen only once. Perhaps it'd be more rewarding to get something new, an option that would be challenging to find in a common store. "Which will add more to the experience? Indulgence or novelty? I want to make the right choice."

However, his risks don't end up panning out well in his mind because he's unable to get past something so minor as forgetting his wallet, when all he and the MC had planned to do was have a nice time at a cafe in Drinks. In his mind, the Baxter he's trying to present had failed, and what else can he do at that point (under his perceived logic) but do what he remembers worked from childhood?

"It's a question of knowing the right people who know the right people. We could have even had full backstage access with the main cast if I'd asked. "I do try not to lean on that kind of thing too much, if you can believe me. I appreciate it might not look like it now. You could say it's a means for me to preserve my sense of independence. It's easy to be popular if you can foot the bill, and I don't want that to be what draws others to me. "But after all that, here I am, leaning on the same old crutch. Nothing has changed since I was six."

"I suppose that was part of the issue. I didn't consider myself appealing enough as a person to be worth the time. So, I wanted the support of an exciting or interesting backdrop for meetups. "But… it shouldn't matter that much where you are if you enjoy who you're with."

Baxter expects perfection out of himself in the same way that his parents expected things out of him, and the limitations follow accordingly. He wants little more than the MC's presence and it is up to him to "repay them" for it. When he was a child, he was the one everyone else had to impress, and now it's the other way around: he has to impress those he wants to be around.

Except he's only human, and aiming to be the perfect person for the MC all summer simply isn't feasible, which he takes with every ounce of criticism one can imagine.

"This whole situation… it's asinine. I haven't known you long enough to be causing this kind of trouble. I'm quite literally a stranger. And I won't even be here long enough for that to change. As welcoming as you all are here, that can't be forgotten. "This was-I was-only ever supposed to be a part of the fun. A worthwhile piece of summer scenery. Someone who added to the experience, not held it back. You shouldn't have to baby me! To sit there and spend your time making me feel better when I don't keep it together. "The mess I am in the mornings, the drama I cause in the evenings: the person I am when the show is over. Those aspects shouldn't be any of your concern. I don't provide that support to you, do I? And how could I when I don't know you? "No. It's not fair to make you worried or, worse, guilty over what happens to me. What matters is that when we're together it's for the pleasant parts of existence. The less ideal shades of life can be managed separately. "That's all I wanted."

Two things to note as well is that he'll say all of the same dialog even if he and the MC have experienced Hang or Planning (where Baxter can comfort them), and there's a dialog path in Sightseeing (i.e: the moment most players will play first) where he'll openly say that he hopes they count for "more than strangers."

(He's additionally rejected the idea that he knows the MC despite relishing every given opportunity to listen to the MC babble about even the most mundane things.)

So not only will he deny to himself that comforting the MC was worth enough to count (or unintentionally block it from his mind), but when it comes to things becoming more personal, suddenly he's "just a stranger/near-stranger." The MC can be comforted when they need it but not him, and he's just some nobody tourist when it comes time to put any value on himself...

whether that be the simple things like driving everyone around, to the stuff that takes effort to notice like him seeing that the MC wanted to ride in the passenger seat, to the more complex like literally saving Miranda's entire birthday party.

"I couldn't have devised a more pleasant way to spend my time here, even if I tried. And to be frank, I have tried. I didn't come to Sunset Bird totally devoid of any plans or ideas. "You and your friends have invited me to participate in an event with great significance to you. It's a profound gesture to show to a relative stranger. "When it's over, and I'm long gone from here, I hope you can all look back on this party for years to come-maybe for the rest of your lives-and treasure the memory. "And if I am a part of that memory, then that is satisfaction enough. Though perhaps I'm in danger of giving my contribution too much credit."

A hypocrite (I say this affectionately, I swear) of the highest order; there are rules for himself and no other rules for everybody else. The things he does are never enough whereas everyone else does plenty by simply existing and giving him the time of day.

Leaving the way he does with no contact and little hope of seeing each other again is the inevitable result of the process he'd put together for his time with the MC and his summer at Sunset Bird. From the beginning, he's had a time frame to keep to, an intent to not get attached, an expectation that no one would get attached to him, and an idea that he would leave as little more than a memory.

"Only lately it's been different. Incredibly different. I almost worry my luck won't last. It will all be over soon. "I wish… I could stay."

Except he does get attached, just as the MC gets attached to him (in what he can admit in Step 4 is the most stable relationship he's ever been in), and now all the control he feels he had goes out the window. That's why he has the potential to get upset if the MC keeps pushing his buttons by questioning him.

"I would've preferred it to have been an enjoyable time having my company while I happened to be here, that was the intention. It seems I've ruined that on the whole. I accept the blame for that. If I had behaved better this wouldn't have come to a close on such an abhorrent note. "However, I am not an irreplaceable part of your life. I was a tourist, a novelty. And now I'm not even that. So don't bother with this."

To him, everything is so obvious: he got "lucky" getting to hang out with his Golden Grove friends, who were simply so nice that they continued bothering with him at all despite his flaws. Considering how that ended, he expected the same where no one would bat an eye if he left.

The MC trying to hang onto what they have isn't a sign that he had done anything right, but that the MC is being their sweet, considerate self in thinking about him. He's had at least five years of criticizing himself, of trying to make people happy yet downplaying it when he does, that everything the MC says goes in one ear and out the other.

"I heard you then and each reasonable suggestion to salvage the situation, but I brushed you off as if you were the one being dramatic. Or that you were lying."

At some point between having his Golden Grove friend group to now, his priorities had changed. He'd given up on having true value to people and instead focuses on creating moments (an appropriate word to use given how the game works) with them. It's a natural progression from not believing he's important to not believing he could ever possibly be.

Even basic traits he does have that one will likely see as something to adore, he won't attribute to himself.

"Now, I do admit, though, that isn't what one might call a grand love story. It's simplicity itself. "I'm not the most romantic or sentimental person in the world. I know that can be at odds with my formality, yet it's the way I am."

He'll say he's not romantic nor sentimental while being one of the most romantic and sentimental people in the game, so either he's unaware of it or refuses to associate positive words like those with himself. On the flip side, he can falsely associate others with credit for things they've done without acknowledging the finer details that might negate his point.

For example, in the Wedding DLC, Baxter gives so much credit to Cove for "staying" and "trying" without understanding that Cove didn't have a choice on whether to stay or leave the MC initially due to still being a child (who absolutely would have left and in fact did try to leave in the Step 1 DLC). He's also one of the few characters who doesn't consider Cove "clingy," probably because he's just as clingy if not more so.

By unknowingly projecting his self-hatred onto the MC's view of him, he's come to the idea that the MC has already gotten as much out of the relationship with him as possible without things completely falling apart, and daring to want anything further is his own self-interest/ego getting to him.

It's even to the point of deciding that everything is his fault if the MC kissed him in Planning when they weren't dating.

"I must apologize for that. I shouldn't have done it. Even at the time I knew I shouldn't have. That was a bad idea. One that only managed to complicate our relationship further. "I shouldn't have involved you in more of my selfishness."

So his conclusion in the Step 3 ending is that he's lost no matter what and genuinely cannot comprehend the idea that he had done anything right for the MC to want to stay in contact with him.

If the MC contently accepts separating from him, then that proves to him that he isn't someone worth sticking around for. If they instead get upset or want to stay in touch, then he has somehow done something wrong in the way he went about things and presented himself. It all goes back to being a scenario he's set himself up not to win.

"In short, what I'm saying is that I'm a fraud in all regards. You can't take any of it seriously, including what color my hair is."

"I don't deserve to have that kind of relationship with another person. That's why. I don't contribute anything. "Maybe I can impress others for a time, but how do you go beyond that? I can't say what it means to be significant as a person, to be irreplaceable. "And since I don't have the answer, I certainly wasn't going to assume I'd do it by accident. What does it take to add value to someone simply just by being there? I tried, but I never knew. "In my eyes there's a world of humans living freely among one another, while every connection I create is so fragile. If I make the wrong step I might hurt them, or be hurt myself, and if it's strained at all it will break entirely."

The sad part of it is that it makes sense, in a way. The things he did for the MC - baring perhaps that damned chocolate fountain - were almost effortless to him. He wanted to do them, so why would he think he did anything special?

One of the very few times he's willing to talk in any way bad about another is only if the MC uses Jude and Scott's relationship as a reason for why they could keep in touch. That's when his cynical side comes out.

"Of course, my rather reasonable prediction is that it will not last. Most relationships don't."

As things were that summer, Baxter viewed the MC as someone he would love to know, but not someone who wanted to know him because he doesn't think he's likable; that the slightest inconvenience to them - to anyone - would make him not worth keeping in touch with any longer. The MC also has friends who have been around longer than him, and he's never considered that he could have any role amongst them.

Tempting fate was never his intention, yet that's exactly what he does in believing they'll never meet again, drawn together as if the longing makes them magnetic to each other.

Step 4

As is standard with the inevitable passage of time and growing older, Baxter is slowly finding himself and improving as a person over the five years that he and the MC are apart. Some things change and others stay the same, whether for better or worse.

Though, any positives aren't particularly noteworthy to Baxter himself.

"I can say that I've improved some talents over the years and found a less eye-catching sense of style, but for anything meaningful there's been no growth."

Due to his self-worth issues, he never thinks what he does is good enough and is wholly focused on where he's yet to improve upon, even though he is fully aware about the parts of himself he has worked on.

"You don't need to worry. I'm not quite as sensitive as I used to be about mistakes. I will survive this, pride as wounded as it may be from these trials and tribulations."

"Part of the tragedy of adult life is learning to roll with the punches, so to speak. I suppose I should be proud of the fact that I can at least handle it much better than when I was younger. "Thinking about what kind of panic a younger Baxter would have been thrown into at the prospect of a missing shirt on an important day-"

Under that lens, it doesn't matter what he does or how he deals with the issues he feels are a burden to himself and/or others; there's always an asterisk - that he's attached to them - to act as a "yes, but..."

"I'm fortunate that thanks to my upbringing I happen to be well acquainted with formality and what it takes to authentically achieve it for an event. It's a unique kind of direct experience to wield. "Additionally, I deal well with the high level of control and detail-work one must take in a stressful event. "When it comes to work, I absolutely can make decisions. It's only in my personal life where I lack conviction. "And that's most suited in bursts with different people rather than a long-term position in a consistent group. You can easily get sick of someone who needs everything to be 'just so'."

Similar to the weddings he involves himself with as he graduates and gets a career as a wedding planner, there is an ideal final product to work towards, but one he could never conceivably be happy with because he's already starting from a place of seeing himself as someone worthless as an individual. It shapes said final product into something entirely unrealistic, never mind completely unachievable.

As for figuring out a life for himself, that goes hand-in-hand with where he ultimately chooses as his first place to live: Prism Vista City, which Mr. "Definitely Not Sentimental" ends up getting attached to.

"This, ahem, particular location was intended to be only a starting point. I was coming from the complete other side of the country, and I at least knew I enjoyed the area. "I expected to relocate once I had my bearings. It wasn't my intention to linger where I might not be welcomed. "But who could've guessed it was harder to pack up and leave everything behind once you had silly things such as an 'actual apartment in your own name' and a 'real career' tying you down? "Weeks passed, then months, and then, perhaps inevitably, I came face to face with one of the reasons I developed such a positive outlook on this state to begin with. "You know, it never ceases to amaze me. California is directly beside Oregon. I could practically walk there if I was industrious, and stupid, enough. "Despite that, being here is a wholly different experience than what I had being raised in the neighboring state. "Sometimes it seems as if I'm still a tourist. That I don't belong here, and everyone who passes by can smell the otherness on me. "Other days, I have the confidence to think I've found my own place in the world…"

That's one thing that never changes about Baxter in virtually all of his life: the desire to simply belong somewhere. What does change is how he approaches that want.

He wanted to belong with his Golden Grove friends, but fell out with them due to the circumstances and chalked it up to a failure on his part. When he wanted to belong with his Sunset Bird ones, he'd already decided himself that it would never happen to save him from any potential disappointment, and that simply being there for a summer would be enough.

In adulthood, he's given up on such things entirely. No more friends, no more flings, and even his most consistent contact - his parents - have been cut out of his life (though in the latter case, it's for the better).

"What happened, I do exactly… that to everyone who unfortunately crosses my path. "The acquaintances I made at college, dancing partners, the friends I had since childhood; my parents, though, that is an entirely different story. "The point of the matter is, excluding those I interact with regularly due to work, I have no relations whatsoever. That's simply the way it goes."

"To start, I haven't spoken to my parents in, mm, a few years now. That's what I meant when I included them in the list of relationships I haven't maintained. "Don't worry. It isn't a painful topic for me, exactly. Mostly I find it… disappointing. Frustrating? Certainly awkward. "Before I cause too much concern, they've never done anything to intentionally hurt me; my parents have always cared for my well-being. "And I can't deny how much they have done for me - all the opportunities and advantages I had because they provided them. They gave me the best they knew how and- "This is not as nuanced as I might be making it sound. "What a novelty it would be if I could speak favorably of my own family. Can you imagine? "That's not the case, however. "What I am trying to say is that my parents are, on the whole, good to me. And they do love me as their child whom they raised for nearly two decades. "Just as I still feel compelled to give them credit for the minimum, I'm certain they're telling their acquaintances endless excuses for why I'm so distant and unagreeable with them. "They haven't given up on me, in their own way. "But all that does not make them good people. "I can assure you that because they are not good people. I'm merely a rare exception to the unpleasantness. "My parents are selfish- they're sheltered. Even as adults."

"Imagining myself as not their son and not someone they loved seemed meaningless at the time. They did love me and that's what mattered. "Of course, it's not always enough, is it? "If I wasn't theirs, either through birth or adoption, if I was someone else's son, they… would hate me. "I know I'm foolish, on many counts. It took me a long time to realize that them being hypocritical shouldn't reassure me the way it did. "Baxter Ward could have as many 'shortcomings' or 'problems' as he did and it'd be fine because it was 'different' in that case. There were reasons, can't you see? "But they couldn't see that other people deserved the same kind of understanding. "And that some things weren't 'problems' in the first place…"

The true tragedy of it being that it's heavily implied that Baxter's parents did attempt to teach him or at least act in a way that would lead him towards a life without any meaningful relationships, which is what he got when he became an adult but not ever what he truly wanted.

"And their nonsense priorities and concerns are what my parents expected from me! "How ironic that I can finally see the silver lining of my lifelong struggles thanks to them. "If I never realized how poor my connections were, or if I never cared that my relationships were nothing more than associations based on conveniences, maybe I'd have been who they wanted."

Arguably, Baxter is at the most "successful" place in his life: he might not be rich anymore, but he's making his own money with a job that suits him, he has a nice apartment, and he's living comfortably.

Except he's not happy, and convinces himself that it's as good as he's ever going to get. It's both the highest and lowest point of his life.

"Of course, I wouldn't be able to understand the viewpoint of someone willing to commit themselves to another person for the rest of their life. "It's what makes for a good planner. I can get invested just enough in the premise to truly create something special, but I'm not attached to the real relationship. "And I'm not disappointed when it's over. "It's been years since I was careless enough to be hurt by anything. "I'd given up on trying for more than what I already had. Then I told others, and myself, that meant I was always content. But honestly, it made me bitter. "I didn't become the person I wanted to be. I didn't achieve the kind of life I'd hoped for."

He couldn't even maintain his relationship with dance, something he'd adored since he was young and now limits to lessons given to wedding couples.

"In a way, I fell out of love with that passion. "It became tedious and unsatisfying to do it with complete strangers, and I didn't have enough hours in a day to dedicate to a long-term competitive partner any longer. "But perhaps I should've tried harder not to give it up entirely. "How embarrassing… even my choice of hobby revolved around having a serious and understanding relationship with someone else. "The precise matter I've had a lifelong struggle to obtain."

As for the MC, Baxter misses them desperately, but goes about his life as though he doesn't. He's committed to viewing himself as someone who doesn't deserve them and that what he did was the right thing to do.

It would seemingly be "easy" then to let go of anything that reminds him of them, in hopes of either limiting the times that he finds himself thinking back to those moments or steering himself towards moving on, but he can't.

The MC's souvenir (if they gave him one)...

"I am fond of it even now. I've never been able to part with it. But isn't that what souvenirs are for? Keeping for the long term? "I'm being entirely reasonable for holding onto that after thoroughly leaving everything in Sunset Bird behind."

Their number...

"I had your number all along. "Of course, I never looked at it over the years we were apart, but didn't have it in me to delete it either."

Even the khaki shirt he wore during Mountain (if he and the MC were dating at the time and they invited him up to their room)...

"It remains my stolen property to this day."

He keeps all of them, unable to let go of the feelings the MC caused within himself but locking them deep inside rather than addressing them. He has the very method for contacting the MC at any time to reconnect, to explain himself, to apologize, to confirm or reject his own doubts over what happened, but he doesn't out of fear.

"I said it before- my concern was protecting my own feelings. Anything I did to that end felt justified. "The more time and experience let me reflect on my actions, I only became more convinced I should stick to my word and not trouble you further."

"I've also missed you over those five years. "And Terry and Miranda and Cove and that summer in Sunset Bird, but mostly, it was you who I thought of. "During that trip, I did feel wanted. "You made me feel wanted. And… important. "It was exciting and amazing, and felt impossible it could last. The shine would wear off eventually, as always. I didn't want to see it happen. "What if I seemed pathetic for being attached to people I met on a short vacation? You had your real group of friends who lived with you there already. "Or what if you stopped responding to me after realizing I wasn't that interesting? Or why would I have even assumed there'd be a reason to talk to me at all once it was no longer convenient? "I'm aware that's not a kind way to view you, but it wasn't that you'd done something to make me believe it would happen. It's my viewpoint for every situation."

Baxter never once thinks that the MC is a bad person, simply that he is the problem and even the best of people will "understandably" lose interest in him if there's any interest to begin with. As someone who likes control and has been conditioned to stray away from more personal relationships, it's advantageous to him to remain in his self-sabotaging mindset.

It's what he's used to.

"I can't afford to flitter off on vacations whenever the mood strikes the way my parents can, but I have a very comfortable existence. "It's nice, if lonely. "Of course, let's not pretend I have anyone to blame for that other than myself. I ended every relationship I had with my own actions. "It's the story of my life. I want to be liked, but I don't want to be important. "A suitor for a season, the planner at a wedding- it's that kind of role I'm comfortable in. "Perhaps that's why I'm drawn to people who are wanted by everyone else. They don't need me. I can be someone, I can't be 'the one'."

So when his Step 4 begins and the MC unexpectedly shows up back in his life, five years after Baxter expressed confidence that they would never meet again, he can barely handle it. Without his say so, he's being confronted with feelings that haven't faded, and ones he already thinks are ridiculous of him to have considering how short of a time he'd known the MC.

The best he can think to do is to put on an air of professionalism and brush the rest off. He'd already left, not contacted the MC for so long, and had remained determined to never see them again, so he doubles down on it.

"I'm merely an employee of your friends. Please feel free to ignore me entirely."

However, it's not tenable, because Baxter has never been someone with the impulse control to keep him in check. Even in the few days he knows that the MC will be around and then leave afterwards, holding himself back from doing what he wants isn't something he can keep up for that long.

In front of people like Jude and Scott who he doesn't know, it's at least easier, but around someone like Xavier who he has some form of friendlier relationship with (only a day after he'd conveyed to himself and the others that he's nothing more than the wedding planner), he's already dropping stories about the past.

"As soon as it comes to you it appears my reason goes out the window. Along with much of my dignity. "But that is how it is."

"Enjoying myself in your presence is the most natural thing in the world. Frustratingly so, at times. I find myself letting go of more than I intended to."

It's also not that Baxter doesn't want to talk to the MC because, if the MC tries to get him to talk during the ride back from the bakery, he deliberately makes it a game of rock-paper-scissors that they'd be guaranteed to win if they wanted to. He could've shut them down entirely if he didn't care, but he finds a middle ground of technically not agreeing outright while still letting the MC talk to him.

"The petty types of decisions that were best suited to be decided with randomness mattered little to me. "It was far more amusing to see who would use the advantage they had to win and who would be willing to take the loss, and why they seemed to do so. "At the bare minimum I'm not that much of a brat any longer. "As an adult, I use it mainly to get away with not making decisions of my own. Whoever is playing with me has the responsibility to win or lose because what they're up against is preordained. "I don't even need to choose which symbol my hand takes. It's easier that way."

Not that it means he's alright with it either. Baxter is already under the stress of planning a wedding in a matter of days and now has to deal with seeing the MC again, sometimes one-on-one. He doesn't want to be cruel to them, doesn't want things to be so difficult, nor did he want the MC to be "forced" to go with him to the bakery (on a suggestion he couldn't have known would lead to it), but that's what ends up happening.

"I'm not any less immature than I was five years ago, it seems. I've been incredibly rude to you, and that is inexcusable. "You're not unwelcome near me. Of course not. "However, I'm here to plan Jude and Scott's wedding. My priority is that only, and I don't want to get caught up in anything else. "There's no need to reminisce. I hope that's not insulting, it's honestly not meant to be a strike against your character. "You are a lovely person and have many wonderful friends. You don't need me to be an active part of your life."

"I apologize for what happened between us, I honestly do regret it. "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I was unable to keep my word and have bothered you yet again. "I'm thoroughly humiliated and have attempted to get in your way as little as possible. Though I'm unable to quit outright; I couldn't do that to Jude and Scott. "We are both aware that I am fully incapable of making you happy. But in four days you'll return to your life blissfully free of my presence in it. "Please tell me, what can I do for you? I simply don't know…"

It feels terrible for him, but this is the cycle he's gotten himself into: wanting to stick to what he'd done in Step 3 under the belief that the MC would be better off without him, feeling nostalgic for the past to the point where it ends up coming out, behaving distantly as a result and hating himself for it, then apologizing just to do it all over again because he's constantly going against what he actually wants.

"Every time I'm arrogant enough to believe I know what I'm doing and that I'm in control- I don't and I'm not."

"From the moment you walked into that restaurant, my actions were nothing but self-preservation and damage control and, occasionally, reminiscing to an extent I was pleased with. "Yes, I had a 'professional commitment' not to let personal matters impede the work that needed to be done, but my distancing went far beyond that. "In the end, I was using their marriage as an excuse. "If not for that, then there would have been something else. Some trivial reason for keeping you at arm's length. That likely doesn't shock you."

Baxter is essentially shielding his heart from the very thing that would protect him from his own attacks on it. He goes so far that he considers texting the MC directly to be overstepping boundaries (even if it's for work), all after continuing to let go the most whenever he's reminded of times with the MC.

He's aware that he's attached and readily admits as much when it comes time to.

"Even I can admit I wouldn't do this for every client. "And somehow, that makes this worse. It's painfully obvious I have some personal investment, enough to merit this. "More than I intended to be. More than I ought to have. "I wouldn't have done this if you weren't here… "Even though Miranda was the client's sister- "I wouldn't have offered. It'd be overreaching, to do as much as I have. "I've gone beyond the line of pure professionalism more than once already. The cake is the icing on top."

"Well, naturally, it's against my better judgment to make anyone uncomfortable. "Of course, in such a tight spot Jude wouldn't have questioned any help he was offered. "But what would Miranda have thought? And Terry as well? If some strange man they knew long ago was getting that personally involved in their situation? "I wouldn't have crossed that line, no matter how much sympathy I had for Jude's position. "So, where did my confidence come from? Very simply- I thought you would understand. "That I had good intentions, that the odd lengths I went to was merely how I am, that it was okay to let me be involved. And if you did understand, everyone else would as well."

Deep down, he knows that he is not a stranger; that he knows the MC and trusts them on a level deeper than he thought possible before meeting them. The MC brings out the best in him while simultaneously revealing the most vulnerable parts of himself to himself, which gives him all forms of conflicting emotions.

"I… "It's odd, really. I'm the one who left. "And yet I haven't stopped seeing you as someone important to me. Important in my life. "It truly does seem as though everything I did was for no reason at all."

"It's been hard not to feel nostalgic, this past week. We've had quite a stroll down memory lane. Sometimes by happenstance, sometimes because I went out of my way to do so. "I have… fond memories of those days in Sunset Bird. Treasured memories. "Like most treasures, they're things to be taken out and admired from time to time, and then put away again. "Though, some are too delicate for even that. They should never be touched. "This evening is a reprise of something I never wished to relive."

To put it in another way, though Baxter cherishes the time he spent with the MC, anything that brings him back to such times confront him with everything he's tried to avoid.

Yearning for the things he'd tried to put behind him, the what ifs of things going differently, and the doubts of all he's done thus far based on his own conclusions...

"Back then, during my tourist phase, we took that brief trip to the mountains. On a hike, we passed a tree that had fallen across a stream. "If you can picture that, it was as if we were on opposite sides, and I couldn't take the path to you because it looked risky."

Not unlike his fear of the ocean, Baxter's biggest hurdle is that final step past the point of no return: taking the plunge and trusting in his ability to survive.

"It seems endlessly deep and unpredictable, with powerful waves and rapid currents. "And there are creatures lurking in there. Some of them are larger than me. It's unfathomable. You don't play with something like that. "If I enter that water, I'll never return from it. The ocean will swallow me whole. That's what I think."

It's only by the end of the wedding reception that he finally crosses that line and has the epiphany necessary to deal with everything that had happened: the opening of the oven to check the result of a baked cake rather than leaving it a mystery, the flick of the switch to look at a room he'd always kept in darkness prior, and the throwing of himself into deep water and realizing he can still breathe.

"In the past, I spent every moment around other people thinking of the limited span of our acquaintance. As if I wasn't seeing them at all, only the imminent departure. "Our arrangements fell in line with that. A clear timeframe, limited from the outset; predetermined rules set in stone. "It was that way five years ago. It was that way now. "We'd cooperate for a short period in service of Scott and Jude's wedding, and that would be that. I've said as much myself. More than once. "The problem is, as I only recently realized… "I forgot about that. "You see, I thought, completely and earnestly, that I didn't need to speak with you now, here, when I was feeling so… sensitive. "We could simply pick up where we left off later tonight or tomorrow. The fact that we no longer had a 'reason' to interact didn't come up as part of the consideration."

When he wasn't the one setting the rules, when he was the one caught off guard by someone he cared so much about reappearing into his life, when he was forced back into reliving past regrets and under the pressure of facing them all over again when their second/third time together was over, that ended up being when he found what he needed to talk to the MC. That was when he finally had to listen to what his heart was saying rather than constantly denying himself.

Perhaps even most importantly, that was when he had to face the fact that what he did - the suffering he put himself through for five years - had achieved nothing of value, and it's only through acknowledging it that he can keep it from happening again.

"When I left five years ago, that didn't make me happy. When I kept you at arm's length after meeting again, I was unhappy still. "If it doesn't need to be that way, if I was wrong, then… I don't know, honestly. I've never considered it a viable option until moments ago."

"It had been so long since I'd known what it was like to be included, to be around people who'll refuse to let you be left out, no matter how hard you try to weasel out of it. "Terry, Miranda, and Cove were too kind, but it was your gestures specifically that are at the heart of this matter. "Here's the truth: if you didn't ask me to dance again, in the afterhours of another event we helped create like you did then, it would have broken my heart. "That would mean definitively that I lost what we had. "But… if you did ask it would be more painful. Because that would mean- "It would mean even after everything, you hadn't let me go. That you accepted me still. "That you always would have, that I should've believed that all along, that the only thing I've done was hurt you and myself of my own accord. "It's horrible. I didn't want to know one way or the other."

The uncomfortable truth, a placating lie, or the blissful void of not knowing anything at all: those were the choices he had and he finally chose the uncomfortable truth, all for the closure the MC deserves and the potential prospect of a better future if he can only make it past the obstacles he'd set up for himself.

"But I can see now that I'm also wrong for making another decision for you. Even if the conversation went disastrously, you were owed a better explanation and an apology. "You had never asked me to leave you alone, I created that fiction. "I hope you can accept that I did care for you then- I care now. Of course, as ever, none of it counts for much if it's kept entirely to oneself."

"It's… a little hard to approach what I've sowed over the years. So many mistakes. "And even now, when I hope to make things right, to make things last, I'm forced to admit that I'm ignoring the reality of the situation. "This doesn't come down to what I want at all. I don't have the right to put myself before you. I never did."

"I suppose that is the true story of my life: me not understanding a thing and getting it all wrong at every turn. "But rather than dancing around this, I'll say it directly: not trying to stay in touch with you is something I've regretted for a long time. "I will always regret the days I lost, even now that we've reconnected."

That doesn't mean everything is magically fixed, nor that he won't fall into some old habits. He has to catch himself when he automatically excludes himself from the MC's meeting with their moms, and he'll still be apologizing and criticizing himself long after the MC has forgiven him.

"You've never allowed me to wallow in my misery, except for when you had to. When I made you have to because you couldn't get a hold of me. "But when I see you, I'm reminded of what it is like to be seen. "How it feels to have someone who knows you, cares about you, has memories with you, who wants to make more memories together. "And I tried to undo that- "Twice. By keeping you as far away from me as I could."

"Unfortunately, I've yet to think of a good reason why this admission isn't another of my patently bad ideas. It isn't as though I've been thoughtful in return. "I can't stand doing anything in the morning, even if I can pretend to, for my clients. As you know, I can't afford elaborate trips these days. "My only remaining social contacts are limited to the wedding industry, not performative theatre or owners of fancy cars or the like. "I've never been a good partner, even a good friend, to anyone who has crossed my path."

"My few victories were hollow and I'm still sorry I took that out on you at the start of this."

Nevertheless, he has no desire to run away from the MC now, because he never had a desire to run in the first place. He just needed to understand that it was okay to want, and that he wasn't the worthless person he thought he was so he could stop projecting how he felt about himself onto how people feel about him.

This makes way for Baxter to experience a lot of things that most people would have long since had at that point in their lives: he gets excited simply by having a person hanging out at his house, is incredibly pleased to have someone he can be (dance) with, and he's so amazed that he can have these things in his life that he's actively eager to prove to the MC how much he'll be sticking around, to the point of being ready to visit them at the soonest time possible.

"Hallelujah. Admittedly, a part of me was convinced I wouldn't go through with it. What if you thought I had lost my mind to follow you right after we barely reestablished a connection? "But having this last day together, knowing it was the last, was the final push to pursue what I actually wanted."

His story, essentially, is about a fall from issues of self-centeredness just to pendulum swing into ones of self-worth instead. It's about balancing on a tightrope of bringing short bursts of happiness to others while trying not to let his ego take hold of him again. It's about denying himself what he wants and refusing to hear otherwise before finally recognizing that he deserves to be happy.

That's Baxter Ward.

TL;DR:

Baxter starts as an egotistical child - encouraged by his rich parents and the kids constantly impressed by his showing off - but that changes when he obtains genuine friends and learns the value of real relationships.

Realizing that he'd relied only on what his parents had to make connections with people, Baxter doubts his own worth as a person and is unable to imagine that people would feel differently about him than he feels about himself.

Baxter falls out with his friends due to the age gap and not having time for each other, coming to the conclusion that he'd not done anything for them.

Under the belief that he has no inherent long-term value, Baxter goes on flings and seeks to create fun moments with people rather than anything that would require revealing more of himself than he feels is attractive to others; this has the side effect of making him highly critical of himself over even minor mistakes.

Baxter goes to Sunset Bird meets the MC, who (along with the MC's friends) makes him feel a sense that he might actually be someone important to others, which he then actively tries to convince himself out of due to fear of risks/the unknown.

After leaving the MC on no contact, Baxter continues to miss them, but feels like he would only bother them further if he saw them again even if it were just to apologize.

Baxter ends up seeing the MC again in his Step 4 and is confronted thusly by his unfading feelings. This leads him to try and maintain the distance he'd created in an attempt to protect himself, yet he's unable to keep himself from letting loose every now and then because it goes against what his heart wants to push the MC away.

Though horrified by the idea that what he'd done in the past might have been a mistake and preferring (at the start) to go on without knowing, Baxter ultimately reflects on his actions and acknowledges to himself why he's been doing what he's been doing, and that he doesn't want to let the MC go again without laying everything on the table.

[sl-ut]

even more streamer!ellie hcs

part one | part two

ellie is not at all embarrassed to admit that a large portion of her own fame was largely due to her connection to y/n

like ofc she was already fairly popular on twitch but its not like the average person who didn't watch streams would recognize her

she ends up making a new priv instagram bc she gains like 50k new followers in a month

she only has like maybe 100 followers on the new one and basically just posts random photo dumps, family photos, and especially the literal cutest and/or horrendous photos of her gf

posts a LOT on her ig stories on both accounts

her main pfp is deffffff some screenshot that she took of their happy little sim family or like their little minecraft guys standing side by side lol

ik i said before that she loves playing like the sims w her gf on stream, but she also LOVES playing roblox together

starting drama in dress to impress, causing havoc in bloxburg, making friends and enemies galore in tdi

her avatar is definitely so dumb like its probably the hamster or squirrel or like the most basic ass starter avatar with a shirt that has her gfs face on it

and her username is def like "y/nstan420" or something

when she's streaming alone she's more focused and serious (but still her silly little self) but when she's with others, esppppp if her gf is on with her, she defffff gives weston koury vibes like im actually giggling at this so hard

they both make tiktoks of each other

y/n once did the "watch my gf for me" trend and she came back to find ellie holding the phone and ranting about something so random like she was probably explaining her favourite theory about how the dinosaurs went extinct or something about planets and space idek

ellie doesn't really follow trends as often, instead just posting videos of her scaring her gf or pranking her or maybe even like mukbangs or something

loves to post fit checks before they go out to do literally anything

also likes to lipsync to dirty audios

the video always ends as she's about to get smacked upside the head

idk if i ever actually gave much backstory???? but here we go anyways lol

i think we've established that y/n is an up-and-coming actress

they met through a friend of dina's, who was a costume designer on the set of y/n's first big film

dina visited her friend on set on the last day of filming and she ended up getting an invite to the cast/crew party that night

jesse was tooooo busy to hang out with his bombshell gf ig???? so ellie got to go with her

she already knew who y/n was since she was starting to gain popularity and was immediately adopted by lesbian twitter

she was so nervous when she clocked her on the other side of the room

spent the whole night shuffling around the room to gain the courage to go talk to her

also spent all of that time trying to come off like the coolest chillest most confident masc ever like she wasn't constantly wiping the sweat from her palms lmaoooo

she finally was forced to lay on the moves when y/n came over to join in on the convo with her castmates

ellie made her laugh and vice versa

she shocked herself when she offered to grab another drink from the kitchen "for the pretty lady"

she immediately considered throwing herself off of the impossibly high deck

was even more shocked when the girl only laughed and hopped up to join her, fingers curling into her bicep

she totally wasn't flexing the whole time

dina was wandering around looking for her, way too drunk to be there much later considering that it was almost 2 am and had to work a ten hour shift tmr :(((

she didn't have much luck bc she never thought to check the upstairs guest bathroom

ellie constantly be fighting them uhaul lesbian rumours

but she actually was ready to upheave her entire life to follow y/n around the world

reposts any and all posts of her gf on her story

adds little hearts and stars and little taglines that earn her a scolding

like that one time she wore a tight-fitting corset on the red carpet that had the girls lifted to the heavens

she captioned it "i <3 my gf('s boobs)"

fights with haters in her gf's comment section

wears her gf's merch

omg the way she SCRUMPT when she saw the paparazzi pic of her girl wearing ellie's merch out on a random thursday

they hadn't even made it official yet

flirts with her gf in random comment sections lol

like y/n comments on dina's selfie and ellie is instantly replying to her

"u come here often?"

they have def been caught in compromising positions soooo many times

like by their friends, cast and crew members on set, y/n's manager, even the paps

ellie felt so boss when tmz posted a pic of her pressing her gf against the wall outside of the club they'd gone to on ellie's bday

els had her tongue down her gfs throat and both of her hands jammed up the front of her top, very clearly grasping and squeezing her breasts

they got a stern talking to from y/n's pr team but ellie actually didn't care

she def has phantom dick disorder in literally all aspects of her life

lets not forget that this version of ellie does not have experience in fighting and has not lived through an apocalypse so she's contextually less tough than normal ellie

but that doesn't stop her from mouthing off to assholes three times her size

don't get me wrong, she can hold her own and still works out on occasion, but she fr looks like a chihuahua barking at pitbulls when she gets yapping

speaking of, stoned!ellie absolutely loves when her gf be yapping

i love the dynamic of ellie doing a chat stream w her gf where ellie's got her in her lap, leaning back with droopy eyes and a dopey smile, still giving her gf all of her attention while her gf ends up being more of a "alert and yappy" stoned and is rambling about strangely philosophical topics and answering questions in chat

ellie is just sitting there just giggling and when her gf turns to her she just goes "ur so smart baby" and "u look so pretty rn"

omg omg omg i luv this pairing im never gonna stop writing them like

bonus: this is the vibe of the ck campaign i mentioned in the last part

[koipepo]

😭 bruh when antis be like "it's rape!! It abuse!!" Like we don't know. Yes Helen, that is why we ship it. I know there's delusional shippers out there that put a wholesome paint brush over toxic dynamics but that's usually the antis who do because that cognitive dissonance is the only way they can ship something morally reprehensible and still sleep at night. The rest of us don't give a fuck nor do we gauge people's morality by their media tastes.

WARNING FOR LONG ASS RANT under the cut

(honestly theres still merit on reimagining toxic ships in healthier AUs but it still rubs me the wrong way when lines get blurred so i tend to stay away from "sweeter" AU of any toxic ship. The clarity of obscene dead dove feels safer for me but this is just my preference)

Re: antis keep making argument that its toxic and therefore shouldnt be shipped; it's regurgitated argument that feels like baby's first forray to fandom. thats why i never tried to engage with any of them in my inbox, even when theyre not throwing out kyes or insulting me.

Why should i keep explaining fandom's basic shipping tendency to you when sammick has such back-to-basic villain x protagonist final girl trope 😩 you dont need to keep repeating that its bad and toxic and unhealthy, yeah i know!! Remmick is a goddamn vampire!! Drinks blood and kill people!! We love the toxic stuff precisely bc its not real!

Also like, antis who keep trying to make shipping the God-honoring way lol please... as if we are referencing fictional ships for actual real life relationships goals. Giving me the vibe of "women shouldnt read books bc they would be too influenced by them". Dont ship anything that deviates from canon -> such normie take that i see too often in any fandom nowadays. Honestly its 100x more worrying if you gotta have fiction to be unblemished/untainted because your moral backbone can be influenced that easily. Please take a step back and distance yourself if you feel easily influenced by transgressive media, seriously✋

it makes me kinda mad too that Sammie as black man (also as bottom in my preference) gets so much scrutiny and pearl-clutching treatment when it comes to shipping when non-black characters get away for so much crazier dead dove stuff.

i saw someone in sa/mmick tag in twitter saying that this ship is white propaganda bc it detracts from pearline/sammie and i had to stare off into the distance for a good minute. Hard to take this think-pieces like this in good faith when they talk about shipping in such condescending and inflammatory manner. also how they treat shipping like activism when its literally just convergence of random strangers playing make believe in small corner of internet.

My fav is Sammie and i think the most about him out of any character in Sinners, and Remmick comparatively is treated by like scary vampire dildo for him LMAO (i still really like him tho, but it's fun to rag on him from time to time)

the plot demands Remmick to be obsessed with Sammie (only with his talent or his whole being, its undeniable that Remmic zeroes in on him) and like. As Sammie's fan, who am i to NOT utilize the clear text of the movie for my entertainment? Why shouldn't i use the canon plot to further my expression of appreciation on Sammie? My way of appreciating him, which includes shipping him with the Big Bad of the movie, is not anymore less valid than anyone's.

I understand the movie and its allegory to toxic, unhealthy cultural/racial assimilation and i also can switch on my shipping brain when im in fandom. Most samm/ck shippers treat sammie like the talented coveted princess that he is and remmick as garbage stank man, no centering whiteness at all in majority shipping posts lmao. Treating sammi/k shippers like we're such big blight when actually we're such small blip in Sinners tag, sammi/ck aint even explicitly canon like other het ships in Sinners so like... Stop making it as if we're such big problem damn 😭 the fact that we properly tag our shit too, antis could easily block us out of existence if we bother them that much but in reality theyre too addicted to being mad and love rage-baiting others

anyway i went on for too long 🤧

Its not too bad in sa/mmick tag these days, sometimes some antis misuse the tag but sa/mmick fans are so much more productive to counter that :) its really fun & welcoming here

[msookyspooky]

Pranking your Slasher S/O and they're Reactions

Characters Included:

Stu Macher, Severen, Bo Sinclair, Foxy Coltrane, Baby Firefly

🤭

Stu Macher: Serving Food Angry

♡ He is blinking at you shoving the plate down and aggressively asking if he wants a fork or spoon

♡ At first he's confused. He tries to ask, "So rough day or??" but when you say no and aggressively shove him his drink then he's unable to hide his wtf face and is like, "Yo you on the rag or something??" if you're a afab (Or amab even it's Stu in the 90s bffr)

♡ You're trying to stay 'angry' while he's getting defensive. Matching energy and slamming shit back with a glare before he's like 'The hell is your malfunction, man!?"

♡ Matches Energy for Energy till you tell him it's a prank even if it's mid argument

♡ "Oh, a prank. Cute...Bitch." He grumbles at you making him lose his laid back aura he tries to project.

♡ He is a petty boy he may wryly smirk but be like 'Watch yourself' from doing that again

Severen: Pretending not to do your routine cuddle session that night.

♡ Man is INSTANTLY sitting up in bed (wherever you crashed together for daylight) looking offended as hell bc how dare you?!

♡ "Oh, so you hate me now? Is that it? Damn, you just hate me and want to watch me be cold over here, huh?"

♡ Most dramatic brat for such a burly tough guy

♡ You're trying not to giggle at how he probably knows you're pranking him but playing it up for laughs

♡ Turns his back to you and gives a faux 'Nope...Nuh uh no, I don't want to now. 😠' in retaliation to you wanting to cuddle after that. Probably back turned and scooting away.

♡ Really milks out how 'hurt' he is. Plays it up seeing your entertained by his bulling.

♡ "....Well, now that ya mention it...I know a way you could make it up to me... 😏" and he's dragging you over in his arms to cuddle and other things before you can even register what he said

Bo Sinclair: Pretending to Put Diesel in a Gasoline Truck

♡ I pray you're on the phone (You'll be screaming 'I'm joking!' real quick when he's about to shake the shit out of you. 'He let you outta the house and this is the thanks he gets!?' jk)

♡ He will crash out at the amount of work, money and time it will take to drain the entire tank and he'll crash out even more if you're 'driving it home' and ruined the Engine while he's frantically saying "Ya didn't! I'll come tow you please tell me ya didn't jus' fuckin' ruin my 1987 Chevy truck!!!"

(I'm not even a car girl but valid crashout ngl)

♡ You don't even understand half of what he's saying as he's yelling in that thick ass Louisiana accent while your trying not to die of laughter

♡ Does not trust its a prank and thinks you're just saying it so he won't be mad af

♡ You're nervously laughing at him either hunting you down in a spare vehicle or pacing the yard with a cigarette; you done got this man about to pop a blood vessel

♡ He huffs glaring at you almost pouting as you apologize and sheepishly explain it was a prank

♡ He probably so badly wanted to slap you, but instead, he just tilts your chin telling you; "I think someone needs a lil attention and that's why ya did this, ay suga?" and it's gonna be either you over his knee till your ass is red or tied up under the gas station and edged/teased to the point of crying...He won't be as rough as he is with victims but boy are you in for a long (fun?😗) hard night.

Foxy Coltrane: False Pregnancy Test (If you're AFAB)

♡ "...Nah, that ain't mine."

♡ You're gonna be the one mad as hell bc his reaction is instant denial and deflection bc he's an irresponsible redneck bum with probably litters of bastard children all over the Country he don't know about.

♡ He's a middle aged criminal! Might even blame you for not being on the pill or take a morning after or tracking your cycle

♡ Definitely ends up being an argument before he falters and groans running a hair through his hands saying "Goddamn it..."

♡ To your surprise, if he really loves you to the best of his ability, he's in it for the longhaul for once

♡ Once he realizes it's a prank "Thank Sweet fuckin' Merciful God!-" In exasperation...

♡ But then later that night he does hypothetical say "I don't want kids but...What if...Shit, I don't know, it did happen?-" bc you got him thinking how much that would light his fire to see you knocked up with his kid and how hot that would be for him to claim you like that

(If AMAB or Infertile/Would never have kids):

Saying the Name of an Old Fling he Didn't think you knew

♡ Whiplashes around blinking at you

♡ Not nearly as explosive as the rest of his family but just as ruthless

♡ Gonna get your feelings hurt when he doubles down like "The redhead with the big ol tittes? Oh yeah, we fucked hard and nasty for days on end. Why?"

♡ Definitely has commitment issues where you gotta be his but he's leery of being yours so he thinks this is some lil test you're pulling

♡ Probably an argument but he finds it a lil cute and gets horny seeing you jealous. Wraps his arms around you, "Hey babycakes-" Smacks your ass and whispers husky grinding on you, "Why don't we have our own fun and make it make that time with that redhead look like a snoozefest?"

Baby Firefly: Jump Scare

♡ Either you're getting punched in the face or she's unphased and blinking at you

♡ Otis almost getting shot in the motel and her smacking him for scaring them? Accurate.

♡ You hid and jumped out at her and didn't know whether to laugh or cry at how hard she hit you

♡ "Ya fuckin idiot! Don't ever fuckin sneak up on me, fuckin' dipshit!" Yeah, she's got that prison instinct that probably is a dumb idea to test

♡ She's helping you up though and kissing where she hit. "Heh, guess ya learned real quick, didn't ya? Be lucky I'm unarmed right now, ya lil shit."

♡ Oh but she gets you back twice as good jump scaring you constantly and may even 'act startled' at you ever accidentally jump scaring her again as the closest thing to an apology you'll ever get

[shotanzz]

ACKK, do more members as bfs with astrology for riize pls !!!

glad I got this asks bc I can now gloat about my man 😛

sungchan as your boyfriend based on astrology !

(reminder that this for fun and astrology is something I study for a hobby, these are all inferences based off of observations and not exact fact unless I knew him myself !!)

warnings: small mention of sexual innuendo but nothing extremely graphic I'll only do NSFW asks if requested.

I am so in love with his chart.

Virgo Sun: A common trait I see in Virgo suns/risings is that they truly want to be the best optimal versions of themself. They are always finding ways to improve themselves or look/be their best whether its physically or mentally. (This may explain why many virgo sun/rising male idols are into working out, health or self help books. Sungchans interested in all 3 btw😭) But these traits would probably amp up when he's with you, he wouldn't want to slack when it came to his looks or personhood when with you especially since he has so many placements hinting at wanting to seem his best for you. Would want nothing more but to feel appreciated and valued and would give the same to you. He'd help you with relatively anything even if he didn't know much about the task or topic. He'd also ask you a lot of questions (not as much as a virgo mercury would but..) he'd be very interested in quite literally anything you had going on and would try to relate and insert himself in the things you speak about due to his venus.

Cancer Moon: Cancer is at home when it's in the moon so most people with this placement can be very emotional. He'd have to become close to you before fully pursuing anything. He would care about your opinions and validate your feelings. He'd showcase his domestic chore abilities so you'd view him as reliable. Downside is cancer moons have a hard time letting go of hurts so if you accidentally made him feel a type of way he may have a hard time fully letting go. Pretty sensitive to criticism. Would like comfort activities, a bath, a night swim at the beach, watching nostalgic movies, comfort food. I feel like he tries to be all macho and masc when really his emotional subconscious says otherwise 😭

Libra Mercury: Sungchan is his name and flirting is his game. He quite LITERALLY would know what to say to make you giggle and kick your feet. Would probably send goodmorning/night text (With his Leo Venus and Cancer Moon please send one back). Honestly his Virgo sun paired with this Libra mercury makes me feel like he'd gossip like crazyyyy with you. However his Sun and Mercury paired makes me feel like he'd overthink and be indecisive and have to confide in you about his thoughts. Would be good at calming you down and helping you level out your thoughts when you're upset or in a tense situation.

Leo Venus: With his Venus in Leo he'd most definitely brag about you. Even if the relationship had to be kept under wraps he'd soft launch or hint at your existence to others whether it's through wearing something -you- bought him publicly or if staff asked about his week he'd say "I spent time with a REALL GOOD friend of mine". With his virgo sun paired with his leo venus he'd absolutely need praise, it wouldn't just be a want it'd be a NEED for him to hear you compliment+praise him especially on his talents. Honestly the proudness from his venus, the provider energy from his mars..his chart overall points to him just wanting to please/spoil you whilst also getting praise, recognition and attention in return. He'd surprise you with gifts that aren't typical regular gifts they'd hold some heavy value to them (Like an expensive piece of jewelry or the last pair of a specific shoe you wanted that was on sale). The only downsides I see is that he may nag if he feels like you're not taking care of yourself or your business since his Venus makes him see you as an extension of himself and his Virgo sun and Capricorn mars relatively wanting structure and perfection for both you and him. All in all GIVE HIM ATTENTIONNNNNN.

Capricorn Mars: Whew tbh this placement is hot i'm sorry (It's the cap stellium in me.) BUT ANYWAY ! Before the relationship even began once he realized he liked you he had to make his way to you, even if it was a process he HAD to make his way to you. He'd observe you, see if you two seem compatible and once he sees a chance he'd surely make his way to the kill. I feel like this mars paired with his venus shows that he would NOT play about you. He'd quite literally want nobody else to even consider the thought that you could ever give them the attention or time you give him. Would want to be a "provider" in some sense even if you can take care of yourself. Capricorn rules the skeletal structure so he'd compliment and be super into your body's silhouette/shape, it also rules the teeth + skin (bitemarks, harsh hickies), and the knees + joints...let me not continue.

Other Aspects:

Moon/Sun Sextile: Very easygoing since his inner emotions and expression is balanced and in alignment with his ego and outer expression, however it may sometimes lead to him being a little too comfortable at times because confrontation is sometimes needed and he may avoid it (his cap mars may aid with that however)

Moon/Mercury Square: He may have a constant battle between being logical and letting his moods affect his choices and will look to you for help when his mind feels like it's constantly see-sawing, however he might pretend to be stoic before asking you for help :(

[demonqueenart]

im just gonna be so genuine and say i love you but i dont understand what racist remarks you're talking about and it's really frustrating for me to hear people talk about this like its so serious when i havent seen anything at all thats bad. im white so i think i may have genuinely missed things but could you please just give me some examples? i really am trying to understand where you guys are coming from its just getting hard because everyone is just getting mad at each other whenever they talk about it. i know people are mad bc of something dan said about not being able to come on tour to third world countries and possibly something he said in like 2011 when he was in his crazy fake tan phase? i just really am not seeing anything here that i think would get people so worked up and i would love to understand better

Hey anon, I understand where you coming from. And I really appreciate you trying to understand better.

To be really honest, why things have blown up now is because of the upcoming tour. It’s not really about why they couldn’t go to the other continents when they’re planning to do 32 shows in US, even though that’s also fishy af cause they could’ve easily dipped into Mexico, and the route they using feels like they’re avoiding latam specifically. The way that they handled this with poc fans is the problem, because while they’re being excited from the tour or whatever, they have not once tried to explain why they couldn’t go to poc fans (or the majority of us that is. Some of us might live somewhere else.)

The way they keep retweeting and being hyped about the tour, while basically intentionally avoiding talking to us is just.. it hurts. Most of us complain about this, and even more expressing how they just need dnp to give them an explanation. But never once did they do it. Instead, they even launch more trailer lol. And I know they saw it, there’s a lot of us and they like snooping on social media anyway. It makes us feel like we’re not part of the tour, that it wasn’t meant for us. And it was actually the first time I questioned if I was really a part of this community at all.

Turning back to phandom with that state of mind, it can feel like everyone is abandoning you. Because just like dnp, everyone is only talking about the tour, and not about how this exclusion needs to be addressed. It’s understandable why people would feel angry when they just keep being ignored like their voices didn’t matter. But I know now, just because people didn’t interact with me, doesn’t mean they didn’t want to be there for me. We just might come from a different place. (Btw, if you’re western and you have poc friends who’s affected by this, please reach out to them. The reason why I’m still here rn is because of all my friends, western friends included, saying they’ll be there for me throughout this racism thing. They might be angry and hurt, and even assume the worst of you. And I won’t ask more than you can do. But saying you understand (or at least empathize the situation they’re in) and that you will support them no matter what, will help them a lot.)

Dan clearly carry a micro aggression around latam, and the fact that this still occur in wad really says a lot about how they’ve not grown from that. When dan said brazil and mexico were 3rd world country on was, that makes us feel like he’s looking down on us. And the fact that they have avoided latam specifically without giving any reason why they couldn’t go, well, there’s only so many things you can assume is happening under the surface. This makes us feel like they’re looking down on us, and that they’ve never seen their poc fans as equals.

The reason why the old stuff was brought up is because this isn’t the first time this has happened. Dan has made a lot of racist remarks, and while it’s understandable to slip up from time to time, and even more understandable why he might be afraid to actually apologize and own things up, it doesn’t excuse the patterns that are being repeated here. When he doesn’t take accountability to his past mistakes and keep repeating the patterns of racism and exclusion, that indicates he’s going to keep oppressing us forever without ever acknowledging it. And THAT is not okay.

We don’t want to cancel them, never once do we want that. We only want dnp to hear us and actually talk to us about this. They are not beyond redemption, but it’s going to be hard for them to open up considering the past fifteen years of them not doing that. So the only thing we can do at this point is to be more opened up about their racist remarks. We’re bringing up past mistakes now, because there’re still a lot of people who have been affected by this, and them not bringing it up is not going to make all that hurt go away. So I suggest, we should bring it up, not to cancel them or demonize them! But to acknowledge it exists so that we can heal from it. We can learn to love dnp despite being flawed, and normalize how to take accountability to make this place safer for poc. These voices can’t be avoided because that’s also a form of exclusion in this community. I want everyone to feel welcomed here, so I’ll listen to their voices when they need it. That way, there will be a place for poc to belong in this space. We can learn to include each other in, or at least I hope so :3

*also, this will be very funny if this ask turns out to be dnp, but whatever lol xD Hope we can catch up someday whoever you are (✿˵ ꒡3꒡˵)৴♡*

[moonshynecybin]

The current motogp grid is put into the hunger games who is winning?

so easily marc it is NOT even funny.... as babynflames has said if he got trapped in a situation where he needed to lop off a limb and it wouldnt effect his riding he'd get that done instantly np. he is insane he loves winning he EASILY compartmentalizes his other competitors as obstacles that he will shove aside in REAL LIFE let alone fictional hunger games world. hes taking it i fear. but he WILL come out the other side deeply scared both mentally and physically... maybe he DOES have to lop off his arm and they give him a prosthetic but sometimes it aches at night and he shivers...

anyways yaoi alert below the cut for those interested:

its the all-victor QUARTER QUELL where shit gets saucy in my opinion! vale as a fellow mentor... a well-liked victor that marc idolized as a kid who's been paraded around like a pony ever since... known for how fun (read: not fun comma scarring) his games were (vale was like 17 fuck ass bob big neon yellow tribute uniform internally screaming desperately playing to the cameras to survive. maybe won by doing equal parts looney tunes style pranks and his absolute ruthless efficiency with a blade.)

so him and marc see each other once a year for a few weeks around the games (similar to motogp they DO have to continually revisit the places they were most traumatized every year huh) and start a lil smth... gravitate towards each other when theyre both trapped in the capitol... wake up in each others beds most mornings and share looks across tables when the capitol socialites start soliloquizing... but they know cant do any more than that bc theyre in different districts (also: trauma.) so they keep it as casual as they can, even if marc's breath catches in his chest sometimes when vale looks at him, and when vale wakes up at home its with an arm reaching over the place in his bed he knows marc should be... and the capitol maybe doesnt know theyre fucking but IS certainly selling the friendship between two of its most popular victors to the cameras HARD... it is known that they tend to chat. it has been noted that they giggle. the panopticon has noticed the marc-being-a-weirdo-in-press-conferences stare.

anyways so the quell hits and marc gets reaped along with vale (who has been quietly supporting rebellious activity for years... gathering strength and numbers.... talking to the other aliens... using his icon status to sway the districts... ) and vale KNOWS the capitol will use marc against him. knows that they know he cares about him. knows that theyre doing this to get rid of them both—keep him in line. (actually in this scenario maybe marc pulled a katniss berry move to keep both him and alex alive. accidental revolutionary icon lol) and keeping marc close will only make the capitol try even harder to kill him which he cant STAND. and all marc knows is that suddenly vale pulls away hard, cold and abrupt. starts talking madddd shit about him in all of his interviews and press... and marc thinks vale is doing it to hype himself up to kill him in the arena and it KILLS him... he thought he was in tragic star crossed love... but he also keeps trying to convince himself he can bring himself to do the same when the time comes, even if it feels like a hole in his chest.... he has to get back to alex. so its awfullllllll until they get in the arena and (INSERT CATCHING FIRE PLOT WHERE THEY BUST TF OUTTA THERE...) and when marc wakes up, blinking and pale and groggy and without his prosthetic, vale is holding his hand by his bedside. and in a low, hoarse voice he starts to explain....

[larasraj]

could you do your mutuals as seventeen songs with a reason for each one?

sorry this took me a gazillion years to answer 😭😭😭🙂‍↕️ SHAME…. i have a solid 100 mutuals so i can’t do everyone but here are a few for you!

theo / @hongtonie: kidult

theo gives me such kidult energy in the way they just care so deeply. the whole nostalgia meets comfort vibe of this song just screams theo to me idk 😭😭😭 it’s the way the lyrics acknowledges how hard things can feel but still offers so much solace?? fantastic give me 14 of them… it’s literally theo in song form. holding both of them gently in my hands fr

zay / @jeonwonwoo: healing

to me zaynab feels like such a grounding presence. that said healing is so her vibe bc its soft, impactful, and warm in this way where you don’t even realize how important it is. she’s always been that steady friend who says the perfect thing without even trying. title track on a playlist called zay tbh 🤭

max / @scouped: snap shoot

this one is so easy its insane LMFAO. max has this very funloving, carefree energy that radiates snap shoot. the song is chaotic and sweet at the same time and max to me is like one of those ppl who makes everything feel like a moment if that makes sense?? life’s a movie kind of people, vibrant and fun and therefore this is basically their theme song thanks

teo / @ashmp3: rock with you

rwy personified no i am not accepting criticism. there’s this perfect mix of devotion and passion in the song that is very ms teo. plus lbr teo is definitely a lover at heart which is WHYYY the rwy id do anything for you theme fits beautifully thx. PLUS it’s stylish and fun which come ONNNNN do i even have to say it

mary / @chwedout: together

mary is the kind of person who makes everyone feel like they belong (carat awards 2024 most supportive carat HELLOOOOO????) so together is just so perfectly mary coded. the lyrics being ab being there for eo through everything…. marycore ✨✨✨✨

maddie / @jeonwon-wonwoo: smile flower

MADDIEEEEE she’s the kind of person who makes you remember that there’s good in the world 😌😌😌 no matter what’s going on she’s so warm and kind and that leaves an impact on everyone who knows her. ERGO smile flower is her soundtrack, soft, comforting, and beautiful <33

al / @ikjun: imperfect love

al radiates this like?? deep, introspective energy that is so unique and special and i think imperfect life suits that perfectly. its all about appreciating beauty in everything, even flawed things and finding meaning in the little things which reminds me so much of them idk. al is so creative and kindhearted which is very suited to the vibe of this song

belle / @ishikawayukis: come to me

idk how to explain this but IMOOO belle has this almost mysterious energy then beneath that she’s just very comforting and kind. come to me is soft and pulls you in?? like the kind of thing that just makes you feel loved without really trying. belle is the person i love seeing on my dash because she just gives off this very calm n steady presence so i think this song fits her rly well

em / @facethesuns: our dawn is hotter than day

em is odihtd to a t idc! she radiates this warm nd lovely energy that surround u like a hug 🥹 this song is all abt celebrating precious moments and that’s how i think of em hehehehe

tris / @bandzboy: black eye

well OBVIOUSLY tris needs a vernon solo but it works out bc black eye fits her perfectly✨✨ its a song thats unapologetic, fierce, and creative which is triscore at its finest. she has that passionate energy that makes you want to get ur ass up make something happen if that makes sense LMAO

j / @vcrnons: doremi

my beloved j <3 she has this soft, warm energy, but there’s also this undertone of depth and like?passion?? that really makes her stand out. doremi is rly playful and sweet but still has enough weight to feel meaningful which feels like j’s presence ! shes the type who will make you laugh and feel seen at the same time 💖💖💖

v / @wonboos: change up

v is change up if it gave birth to a person and for the record that’s the first time that sentence has ever been uttered in the history of mankind 🤭🙂‍↕️ u guys are the first to read it, onefor the history books fr. ANYWAYS they are super vibrant and entertaining and they remind me of the kind of person everyone gravitates to because they always bringing the best vibes ✨ change up has a super upbeat n iconic energy that fits them v well

yena / @fairyhaos: hug

from the moment me n yena became mutuals her kindness and empathy were so pure and evident nd i think everyone who meets her picks up on that right away. WHICH IS WHY hug was an immediate pick for her bc it’s all about warmth and comfort which is actually the very definition of yenacore mhm yes🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ shes that person who makes you feel loved just by existing THEREFORE she is hug

ali / @kimsmingyu: clap

aliiiiiii 💖💖💖 ali is so dynamic and fun, and she feels to me like the kind of person who can bring the energy no matter what. u guys are just sitting there bored as hell then BOOM ali. SO clap is a perfect match for her bc its entertaining and uplifting much like herrrrr, and its got that whole life of the party vibe goin on teehee

kashi / @jeonsupershy: thanks

they wrote this song about kashi did u guys even know. plus it’s my fav u get my fav seventeen song ever kashi… the song that made me a carat as if i haven’t said that 10000 times. ANYWAYS this song is quite literally an anthem of appreciation. imo it suits kashi bc she is the type of person who loves things very deeply and expresses that love in the most thoughtful ways. have u guys seen her bday gifsets for the members… no further comment 💅 ANYWAYS its so heartfelt and dedicated and i think that matches her energy beautifully

[primalmagic]

Top 5 Alec Benjamin songs?

AAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY SO YOU DIDNT ASK FOR IT BUT IM EXPLAINING THE REASON FOR EACH ONE TOO

5. water fountain - back when i was online during covid i had a best friend who LOVED alec benjamin. shes technically the first person to introduce me to him and this was her favorite song. i only actually started listening to him because i remembered how she'd talked abt him and thought i might give the music a try. we're not in touch anymore unfortunately but its still incredibly dear to me <3

4. outrunning karma - i associate this with one of my hyperfixations and the song kills me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. i dont have much to say abt it other than. yes.

3. the arsonist - this one was so hard bc all of the 12 notes album is godly but this one really resonates with me as a person and i can also connect it to my hyperfixation dude so its good for all moods. its also really deep in my opinion like? it really makes you see yourself from another perspective idk like i guess it helps me come to terms with all the things i might have done wrong and actually understand myself instead of blaming someone else.

2. if i killed someone for you (tied with boy in the bubble I CANT CHOOSE) because i associate them with that same hyperfixation dude (can you tell im obsessed with him) and i want to scream and cry and through up every time i hear it because the amt of emotion it has is AUAUAUAGAHA. theyre genuine stories and theyre like. ouch. like. ouch. i dont know. the beat is really solid and when im crying or having a breakdown then the previous is always what i put on, while if im just in a sour mood its the latter. id go into the music theory depths of it too like how the keys and rhythm correlate to certain moods i have and how they manage to fit into the different vibes perfectly BUT im lazy so just take my word for it ykyk.

1. the plan - this is so hard i cant even choose what the actual hell. i guess ill settle for this one but i dont even know. i think i love this one because its for everything. its kind of sad, its kind of happy, its kind of vague, and it can be used in so many situations- its just a mood booster i guess. if i dont want to think about anything it has a rhythm that can just ground me, and if i do then its lyrics are genuinely so peaceful. its a bit softer than most of the others but isnt quite like a lullaby, and its chorus is soo mind scratching usghusghjsgs. i dont get tired of this one easily at all

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honorary mentions that i must talk about because they deserve to be known as well:

by now ("blue song on my red guitar, raindrops on my brand new car" gets me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. i swear im not okay i love this song so much.)

if shakespeare were here (ITS SO GODDAMN GOOD. I HATE THAT I CANT PUT THIS HIGHER ?? but it also clearly shows how good all the other songs are bc i actually adore this song so much)

older (had a phase where i listened to this song on repeat and the only reason it isnt way higher is bc ive listening to it sooo many times. also hyperfixation dude)

in a little (the pitch is absolutely lovely. i will be playing this at my nonexistent wedding)

love the ones who leave (i vibe with this one a lot + its on all my playlists. also hyperfixation dude. as you can see i rlly like the new album lol literally all of its songs are here).

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and the songs that i love but VERY sadly dont quite make this list: paper crown, must have been the wind, let me down slowly, dopamine addict, king size bed, different kind of beautiful, i'm not a cynic, jesus in la, the way you felt, match in the rain, shadow of mine, oh my god, demons, mind is a prison, hammers, devil doesn't bargain, deniro, sacrifice tomorrow, i build a friend, six feet apart

and the ones that i love so much but dont quite make the above list: alamo, book of you & i, 1994, death of a hero, gotta be a reason, swim, annabelle's homework, if we have each other, speakers

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TO BE CLEAR I DID NOT JUST LIST ALL HIS SONGS- THERE ARE A FEW NOT ON THIS LIST LMAO. but i love all the songs not here as well these are just my favorite favorites.

[seriallover]

Sorry this is totally random but after I read your post about "how we approach and like to be approached in love" and "sexual behavior and the things you're into", I finally understood why it's been difficult for me to find a book that I truly like and enjoy and the reason why the last book that I did like and enjoy was The Mindf*ck Series and I read it last year.

I'm trying to learn vedic astrology but I still know little about it, I'm jyestha rising, Shravana moon, Capricorn uttara ashada mars, Swati Sun, Rohini Saturn, Gemini punarvasu Jupiter (my atmakaraka), hasta mercury/Venus, Mula ketu and mrigashira Rahu (sorry for mentioning all placements I'm just not sure exactly what exactly makes me like these things). Deep down I'm romantic I'm not gonna lie, I love romcoms, clichés, I'm still big fan of Disney princess movies and old Barbie movies . But there's something about women being powerful, strong, mean, agressive and overpowering men...I just love it. I love seeing/reading women fighting and humiliating men and covered by blood (it feels amazing to confess this). And I just remembered this now, but when I was in school I loved playing sports and I was a kind of girl that loved to use my strength in an agressive way, my favorite sport was dodgeball btw and I didn't mind playing with the boys and hated when they went easier on me bc "I'm just a girl".

Nowadays In most books the women are all innocent, submissive (especially when +18 things happen)and the worst they can be is being sassy. And even when the women are mean the men are worse (this irritates me). I've tried to find a book like the Mindf*ck Series but all the suggestions are bad, apparently people cannot understand the most basic thing about the book that is Lana is a serial killer (she is the "bad girl") seeking justice with her own hands (she isn't killing for fun) but she falls in love with FBI agent Logan (he's the "good boy" who could put her in jail). She's been through a lot, she lost her soul to seek her revenge and deep down she knows she isn't a good person and doesn't deserve someone like Logan (that's what she thinks and I don't agree), yet Logan see through her darkness and loves and wants to protect her. This book reminds me a bit of Beauty and the Best (my fav Disney movie along with The little mermaid).But people just focus on the few and basic sex scenes and on the word "serial killer" and give books recommendations that are totally opposite to the Mindf*ck series. All the recommendations are the men being the serial killers killing for fun and being proud of it, stalking the women, even being mean to the women that they're supposed to love and the women having a personality as deep as kid swimming pool and ofc being submissive.

And now talking about your post about how we like to be approached, I don't like going out but I know people rarely approach me bc I've rbf (words from my friend), and I know people had crush on me but they never approach me bc they're afraid of me and they would confess years later or other people would talk about it. And also I like to make men "beg" for my attention, approaching me just once isn't enough I will simply say no and most of time i won't even notice that they're flirting with me (I feel a bit stupid when this happens). If a man wants me he must make his intentions very clear and be assertive or I won't take him serious or I will think he wants to be friends with me.

I'm sorry my comment got too long, when I start to write it's hard for me to stop. And also sorry for any mistake English isn't my first language.

Well, you have Mars exalted (even though Mars is exalted in Dhanishta and its effects are strongest there, you can still feel this energy across all Capricorn signs).

Having the Moon conjunct Mars in Capricorn explains your approach to love as more about conquering and dominating- Uttara Ashadha shakti is the “power to be victorius ” also, Jyestha shakti is the “power to conquer”🤷🏻‍♀️ Moon (mind)—Mars (goals, competition, spouse) so you might want to dominate your spouse/lovers through physical means, as these nakshatras are associated with fighting and assertiveness.

And with exalted Mercury conjunct debilitated Venus, it's no surprise that you approach love with a rational mindset and prefer clear, straightforward communication, leaving no room for ambiguity or mind games.

Oh, and with that Jyestha rising, explain your interest in more intense/brutal or gory scenes.🫣😏

I haven’t read the book, but I’ve heard about it, so I don’t have much more to add.😁