#its honestly really concerning as someone working on their own emotional self harm to see it. like this isn’t about anyone in specific but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dr3amofagame · 3 years

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uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like.

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not.

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs.

Dream leaves.

It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore.

None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature.

Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs.

“I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.”

Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?”

“If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?”

Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.”

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information.

Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns.

“From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.”

Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

“He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.”

“He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.”

Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern.

“Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?”

Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense.

“Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

---

Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream.

“Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff.

“Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.”

“O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him.

“You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod.

“There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.”

Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place.

“We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head.

“I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.”

“Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?”

Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.”

“Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?”

Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

“He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.”

Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?”

Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table.

“You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut.

“The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

“But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?”

“He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.”

“But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

“There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.”

Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh.

“I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.”

---

They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

(She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange.

“Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back.

“You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?”

Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh.

“You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head.

“Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him.

“...these are going to take so long to clean out.”

To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

“Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head.

“They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “

He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes.

“You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done.

“The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.”

Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.”

Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.”

Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

“Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

“-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.”

“When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.”

“We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.”

“Alright, then. Here’s the plan.”

---

It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis.

“Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.”

“Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin.

“Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back.

“You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider.

“Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier.

“You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.”

Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?”

Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now.

Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass.

(Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later.

“I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened?

Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.”

“I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.”

“Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat.

“Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped.

“Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

“He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light.

“Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

“I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?”

“You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them.

“We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.”

They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava.

“Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him.

“Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident.

“You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs.

“Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.”

Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

“Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

Oh fuck.

“Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.”

As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor.

Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?”

She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava.

“There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

“You there, Dream?”

She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

“Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath.

“Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.”

“I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

“And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-”

“They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

“And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.”

“You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.”

“Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-”

“I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.”

“Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-”

“Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?”

Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.”

“You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.”

“Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye.

“Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

“Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose.

“Niki, give us some fire res please?”

She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.”

She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep.

“Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend.

But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

#tw torture #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw disordered eating #tw ed #tw sh #prison arc #pandora's vault #tw starvation #c!sam critical #c!quackity critical #my writing :D #> my writing

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cinnamonest · 3 years

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Y’all are too nice to me I swear… here I am being horny and nasty on main and I’m getting encouraged, damn. But for real ( ´ ω ` ) thank you so much!!

I’m gaining more confidence to post more smutty stuff and the kind of dark shit I like, so I might go back and make more nasty Childe content later on too… After Albedo, I got Razor and Zhongli coming up, and a few ones I just worked on for fun. But yeah, just in case it wasn’t clear for anyone who followed me, I’m going to be writing almost entirely dark content and some really nasty stuff, so just be aware of that, and don’t consume my writing if that’s something that may be harmful to you.

Albedo is so pretty… and such good dark content material… He treats you like a science experiment but has the audacity to make it hot smh

I haven’t seen a whole lot of him outside the cutscenes, so potentially ooc (as if yandere content isn’t already ooc, lmao)

Albedo - Yandere Profile

tw: general yandere content, obsessive behavior, stalking

tw (below cut): smut, noncon (seriously, you’ve been warned)

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Very much aware. In the beginning, it frustrates him. He’s never been particularly attached to anyone, outside of his former instructor. He’s always enjoyed being out on his own, spending extended amounts of time by himself – the desire to be around someone is a foreign feeling for him. He immediately notices how bizarre the emotion is for him, how it changes his behaviors. His self awareness combined with perceptiveness makes him able to acutely recognize not only how unusual this emotion is for him, but also how the extent of his feelings, the types of desires they ignite in him, is unusual even for “normal” people who aren’t social recluses.

He’s frustrated by his own actions, feels embarrassed at how attached he is to you, how easily you make him flustered and trip over his words. As he is a very aware yandere, he’s definitely afraid of rejection to some degree. He has no idea how to navigate feelings and interactions with other people, he’s never really had the desire to form a particularly strong bond with anyone before. As such, he’ll come across as very awkward, and he will interact with you less than most yanderes – he knows he’s just going to embarrass himself if he talks to you, right? He’ll just mess up and say something strange, so instead, he opts to watch you from the shadows, go to places where you are, but keep a distance from you, just being able to watch you makes him feel fluttery and overwhelmed.

He will definitely be one to collect things from you. He collects plenty of things for the sake of science, this is no different. Or so he tries to tell himself, but he can’t delude himself even if he tries. He knows its weird, he knows its wrong, but the overwhelming urge to have things of yours is too great to resist. He’ll start off with more innocent things, but it will gradually progress to not-so-innocent… items of yours.

It may not be obvious, but he’s actually a fairly sensitive person, at least regarding you. He places a lot of value in what you think of him, and wants to ensure you’ll respond positively to him. He views it like a science – there should be some formula by which he can put in the correct actions, and produce a specific result. Unfortunately, unlike real science, there’s not much room for trial and error – he feels he only has once chance.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It will take some time, as he’s got to get over his own nerves first. He’s torn between the fear of you hating him for such a thing, it would be the end of the world for him, but also the desire to pull you away from the world, to keep you hidden from others, to have you all to himself, to be the only person that gets to look at you. If you start showing positive signs, reacting positively to his gifts, expressing interest in conversation with him and going out of your way to see him, he’ll start to get more confident, think that he can afford to do something that might sour your opinion of him, hoping it will merely be temporary.

He’ll probably start to do so several times and back out. He’ll set out at night, make it all the way to your room and stand over your sleeping form, and he’ll start to worry, wonder if someone saw him, see holes in his plans, he gets too nervous and bolts. He’ll persuade you into being alone with him, and although its the chance he’s looking for, again, he’ll get nervous, worry about being caught, run through all the what-ifs, and miss the chance. Honestly, when he does finally take you, it will probably be not planned, but in the heat of the moment, a rash decision from desperation. Something like you coming to visit him to tell him you’re leaving the area, came to say goodbye, and he’ll panic, ultimately grabbing you by the arm as you try to leave and dragging you back inside, silently, but forcefully.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Moderately difficult. Your best bet is to take advantage of his tendency to be absent minded when he’s absorbed in his work. He gets very lost in his thoughts, to a point where he’ll completely zone out and be oblivious to the world around him. On the downside, this means you won’t have much time to cover distance, he’ll be close behind the moment he realizes you’re gone.

The route he’ll probably take is actually one where you won’t need to be too restrained, because you’ll be taking… a little research trip. Out to the most freezing, desolate areas of the mountains. He’s convinced the knights he needs to stay there for his research, but in reality, he’s internally panicking, as he tries to figure out how to make this work – after all, you two can’t stay here forever. You’d be foolish to run out of the little cabin he’s bought, out into the perilous freezing cold and jagged, high slopes. At first, he thinks there’s no way you’d try it, so he’s content letting you have free reign to walk around as you please. If he has to leave for whatever reason, he’ll probably lock you into a single room, but he won’t chain you up, as again, he's really trying to avoid making you hate him.

If you prove to be determined to leave, he’ll be hurt, but mostly concerned for you. He’s actually not one to get too mad over an escape attempt – he’ll blame himself, or theorize it’s just a natural response your brain triggered. Against his first choice, he’ll end up having to get more strict with your restraints. If you get too whiny, though… you might trigger one of his more frustrated moments.

“I didn’t want to have to do this… I’m sorry. I can’t risk anything bad happening to you. Tell me if it’s too tight… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t blame you. I know you’re probably panicking over all this, but you’ll get adjusted to it, I promise. Just… just give it some time… it’s not so bad, living with me, I promise.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re only tied up because you tried to leave. You should understand why you have to be kept like this… If you don’t want to be restrained, you shouldn’t have run out, trying to get yourself killed.”

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

For all his academic intelligence, he’s not highly skilled with people and socialization. He’s not too good at being able to tell when he’s being lied to, and he definitely won’t pick up on subtle manipulation. It’ll be pretty easy to wrap him around your finger, he’ll do what he can to make you happy.

Once he finds out you’ve lied to him, though, he’ll get pretty upset. He likely won’t trust you again, and will require proof of anything you say, or set out to find out if you’re telling him the truth or not.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He’ll try to accommodate you, giving you things you ask for, but he has limits. He’s too paranoid to let you have any contact with the outside world. You do have him wrapped around your finger to an extent, though. Whatever he’s doing at the moment, he’ll drop it in a heartbeat if you want to spend time with him in any way, even if its just you asking for food or to take a walk. He’ll be willing to take you for very short trips outside, no further than a few yards from the lodging, if only because he knows sunlight is vital to your health.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

The basics will be there – don’t try to leave, don’t be difficult with him, try to cooperate, be obedient. However, he’s also particularly overprotective of anything that can hurt you – even yourself. Under no circumstances can you handle anything that can hurt you – that means no cooking, no knives, no lifting anything heavy, no going outside without him. If you’re determined to cook something, he’ll have to stand right behind you, and watch while you do it. If you get so much as a little cut or burn, he’ll take over, insisting you go sit down after he tends to your “wounds.”

At the very beginning, he’ll be hesitant to punish you too much, as part of his plan to get you to like him. However, he can be a little easily frustrated, and your safety and well-being comes first, even if it means he has to make you upset. He will have to restrain you, take away what little privileges you had. If you try to bolt while you’re outside, no more going outside. If you try something foolish like attacking him with a knife when he gives you cooking privileges, you will lose said privileges. Really, the worst part of it all is the humiliation, being treated like a dumb, incapable baby that can’t do anything for yourself. He insists on doing everything for you, even down to bathing you and dressing you, even feeding you if you can’t convince him to take restraints off your hands. He’ll talk down to you in that way, too, talking to you as if you were a child.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

It’s a situation he’s not prepared to handle, and he’s unsure of what to do. It strikes fear in him that you might have someone else interested, so he has to get rid of them as quickly as possible. He’s not opposed to killing, if it comes down to that, but initially, he’ll try to work behind the scenes – expose something that will ruin their reputation, get them accused of a crime. This would also be one of the possible aforementioned situations that might cause him to kidnap you a bit earlier than he normally would, as well. If he can’t get rid of them easily, he’ll just take you away from them.

He will absolutely try to make you hate them, try to ruin your image of them, and he’s rather good at falsifying evidence for his claims of their behavior. With his alchemic skills, that sort of thing is easily possible.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

He gets more frustrated than anything, when you’re being difficult. This is mostly just him sighing quite a bit, speaking a bit harshly, even pouting and sulking a bit if you’ve offended him. But true anger in him is not pretty, and almost never happens. It’s a buildup, a slow rise that has a boiling point. If he reaches that point, he can definitely get mad enough to hurt you, it’s actually kind of terrifying in how sharp of a contrast it is to how he normally is. It’s a side of him that’s very difficult to draw out. He’s not one to yell or shout, no, his anger is a suffocating silence, he slams down whatever he’s holding as he stomps over to you, grabbing you by the arms hard enough to bruise, and dragging you by the hair to whatever he has planned.

With mild frustration outbursts, he will feel justified, but if it reaches that intense anger, he’ll usually give at least a little apology, tell you he didn’t mean to go that far. He hates to think of you fearing him, but ultimately, if that’s what’s necessary to keep you safe, then he can live with it.

Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

It’s an odd mix. On one hand, he sees you as utterly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on, more than any landscape or art he’s seen or made, an invaluable treasure to be kept on a high pedestal. Simultaneously, however, he will treat you like a child, thinks you can’t do anything for yourself. It’s a bizarre duality, but one he is consistent on. You’re precious, so very precious, and he’s undeserving of you, but at the same time, you need him to be safe and sound.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Of the genshin boys, he’s one of the most determined. He’s not good with people, and he doesn’t really have anyone particularly close to him left anymore. He tends to keep people at a distance. You sort of fill an space inside him that he never knew was empty, a void he wasn’t aware he had until it was consumed by thoughts of you. He doesn’t need anyone or anything else, so long as he has you with him, but he really, really wants it to be true that you love him. He doesn’t need you to even love him as much as he loves you – he doesn’t even know if that’s possible – but he just wants to know that, even if only in the slightest, his feelings are returned. He’s so distant from everyone else, but you wormed your way into his heart, even if you didn’t intend to, with your smiles and softness and kindness towards him. For the first time, he feels weak around someone, but in a way, it’s a good feeling. He wants to be able to be vulnerable, be weak, and not have anything to fear by doing so.

He’s lucid, though, so he doesn’t expect you to love him immediately. As he’s not good with words or displays of affection, he’ll get you all sorts of gifts. Rare items that you wonder how the hell he obtained them, beautifully crafted little trinkets from all his searching and time traveling, more clothes than you could ever wear. You’ll start to feel a little guilty, it’s so much, and you’re certain he doesn’t have that much money. He’ll blow it off, say it’s no big deal, but if you insist, he’ll have to start finding new ways to convey his affection. In captivity, he won’t stop trying, but he’ll understand why you might be angry. In that case, he will utilize what he’s learned from research in books he’s read. He knows that eventually, with him being the only one you have, the only company, the only one to talk to, the only source of touch, you’ll eventually have to cave. You’ll become attached to him, bond with him, whether you like it or not. He knows how powerful the affect of touch can be, and will make sure to hold you in his arms, keep you on his lap, make you crave the only source of human touch you can get. Dependency, he thinks, is the gateway to you loving him.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Drawings. So many of them. Much like his drawings he uses in notes, he’s found he tends to start scribbling a familiar face when his mind drifts off. He’s memorized every little detail of your face, every curve on your body. If you’re ever snooping around, you’ll eventually uncover a book of sketches he has solely dedicated to drawings of you. Drawings of you laughing, smiling, sleeping, drawings that you’re certain were of real events you were at, that you didn’t remember him being at. Every bit in perfect detail. If you confront him about it, he’ll be horrifically embarrassed, insisting they’re no good, or, if you’re upset, trying to reassure you it was all from his mind and totally not him lurking in the shadows as he watches you.

Also, if you want to make him happy, get him on one of his spiels about his work, his interests, anything that he can catch onto and go on and on about. He’ll catch himself rambling and apologize for being “annoying,” but if you reassure him, and express interest, that will make him feel particularly appreciated. It would be a primary way to get on his good side and manipulate him, or lull him into false security to make your escape, if that’s what you’re looking to do. But be warned, it will only work once, and he’ll be far too hurt to let himself indulge in sharing these things with you again.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Publicly, definitely highly reserved. He’s easily flustered, and thinks of sex in a very scientific way, for the purpose of procreation. For fun? He knows it’s enjoyable, but can’t separate it from his very analytic, scientific way of viewing things. It’s a formula, you touch this here and pull that there, and the result is supposed to be orgasmic bliss. He just isn’t very familiar with pleasure – he doesn’t drag out masturbation, even, as that would be a waste of time. He gets it over with quickly, taking short breaks during his work. He is a fairly high drive, though, and gets the urge fairly frequently, about once or twice a day.

He’ll be hornier with your presence, having to leave more frequently to get off to the little things you do, quickly getting himself off while recalling the mental image of you holding a pen in your mouth, the little moan when you stretch, the way your clothes fit to your frame.

Prior to abduction, he’s not particularly touchy at all, in fact, he’s very jumpy if you touch him. Once he’s gotten you alone with him for the foreseeable future, isolated, dependent, he’ll gain more confidence, be willing to give into his cravings to touch you, hold you, eventually progressing to groping you, moving his hands up and down your body, under your clothes, slowly peeling them off.

He’s initially a bit ashamed of his urges towards you, feels guilty every time he gets off to you, but will likewise gain more confidence once you're his.

A guy can only fight off the urge for so long before he cracks, before he can’t continue to care about the consequences. For him, that point is when he knows he finally has you all to himself – his worries fade, and while the guilt is still there, it’s far outweighed by desire.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He does care, but as stated previously, it’s hard to fight the urge for so long. It will be torture, but for the first few days, he wants you to “adjust” to your new “home,” and not add to your panic. After that, though, he’ll try to assess your reactions. If you’re extremely resistant, he’ll give you more “adjustment” time. He can’t really hold off forever, though, and eventually, maybe a few weeks in, comes to the conclusion that if he just does what he wants, so long as he’s gentle and reminds you he loves you, it will help you get past the mental barrier in your mind. He’s convinced there’s simply a psychological issue, and that sometimes, people need a push. It’s like having a friend who can’t swim – sometimes, you just have to throw them into the water, help them get over that mental hurdle, and they’ll be grateful in the end. That’s what he tells himself to justify it, anyway. He has enough… anatomical prerequisite knowledge to know what’s good and what’s bad, and will take your body’s positive reactions as a sign of what you really want. Is definitely the kind to use that against you, holding up his fingers to your face after you cum on them, as if to prove a point.

“See? I told you, you just have to let go and give in to what you want… if you didn’t, my fingers wouldn’t be dripping like this, now would they?”

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

He wants to experiment on you. This manifests as him being something of a service top without really intending to be, even if you’re not exactly happy about it. He likes to watch your reactions, watch the way your body moves, test the pleasure you get from different things, discover what it is that you like, even if you weren’t aware of it. In particular, he’s fascinated by the fact that girls have so many types of orgasms. He’ll want to try them all, watch and see which ones are more intense than others, which ones make you convulse, makes your toes curl, your eyes roll back. Which erogenous zones make your breath hitch, make you twitch and whimper. Probably the type to be determined that he can make you cum just from something like sucking on your nipples, and he won’t stop until he achieves it. He’ll also want to try everything. At least anything that he thinks has some potential to appeal to him, mentally. He’s a busy man and hasn’t really taken the time to explore his own sexuality, and has virtually zero experience.

Edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms

Experimentation also means testing limits and thresholds. He’ll bring you up to the edge, learn to watch for the slightest of signs that you’re close, listen to your breath, watch your face, wait until you’re just so close and then draw back, stopping just short of letting you catch that high. Then he’ll let you drift back down, and bring you back up again. No amount of begging will make him show you any mercy, you’ll only cum when he’s decided he’s observed enough. He wants to push the limit, see just how close to the edge of orgasm you can get without spilling over, just how much it takes to drive you insane. He’ll also want to see how far you can go after it as well. Orgasm won’t be the end of his ministrations, no, he wants to see how much stimulation you can take. You won’t be able to get away from his tongue, he’ll grab you by the hips and slam you back down, continuing to lap at you even if you’re so sensitive it’s painful. Watching you cum will just make him rut into you harder, bruising and abusing your insides to a point that they’re so sore you can feel it long after it’s over. At first, he might feel a little guilty, and may very well after it’s over, but in the heat of the moment, he can’t fight the insatiable urge to listen to you squeal, feel you convulse, watch the tears from overwhelming pleasure run down your face.

He’ll make it his personal mission to see how many orgasms the female body is capable of within a given amount of time - per day, per hour, how quickly you can have them in succession. For scientific purposes, of course. Anatomy and human biology isn’t really his main field of focus, but he likes to expand his research horizons.

“Just one more… cum one more time for me, then we’ll be done. Come on… I know you can, just one more.”

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’s actually good with children, usually. He has a calming effect on kids. He isn’t sure how he feels, though. To some degree, he fears his capabilities to parent, thinks he would be too cold to be a good father. But he also likes the idea of a protege, an heir to his title, one he can teach everything he knows. If he does end up having one, this fucking nerd man will read every book on pregnancy, birthing, and parenting that he can get his hands on.

Also, he’ll absolutely be one to track your cycles, even better than you can. He’s researched enough to know exactly when you’re most or least likely to get pregnant, and you can’t help but notice how much more he seems to cum in you when you’re at your most fertile. Nor can he deny how satisfying it is to watch his cum slowly drip out of you, watching you twitch with aftershock and slowly drift off in exhaustion.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Unfortunately for you, since overstimulation and edging are already normal and everyday for you, he’ll have to amp it up a bit if he’s trying to make you regret something. He might get rougher, abusing more pleasure spots on your body, keeping his hands, mouth, and cock occupied all at once with driving you over the edge until it’s painful. But if you’re exceptionally misbehaved, you might not ever get a release to his edging, instead left to suffer from being so close, tied up so you can’t finish yourself off.

In moments when he’s really, truly angry, the peak of it, and that blends with arousal, he’ll really, really throatfuck you. Grabbing the back of your head and shoving his cock down as deep as he can, holding you there as you gag and choke, feeling your throat convulse around him, desperately trying to pull back for air. The movements are harsh and brutal, pulling harshly on your hair, moving at a pace so fast you barely have a second to breathe. Thankfully, when it gets like that, he won’t last long, emptying out into your throat, holding your jaw shut and demanding you swallow. If any spills off on your chin, he’ll gather it up on his fingers, hold it to your face, and command you to open your mouth, suck it off, and swallow again. That’s at the peak of his anger, though, and you’ll have to substantially piss him off to reach that point. He’ll apologize later, holding you close, but his guilt doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the most intense orgasms that he’ll have, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think of doing it again, even without provocation. He’s restrained enough not to, but the thought is there… and deep down, he’ll entertain the idea.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

The curves of your body, no matter how defined or faint they are, no matter the general shape of your body, to him it’s the most beautiful thing. He’ll definitely want to draw you, even if you’re not too keen on posing. He’ll run his hands up and down your body, squeezing every little bit of flesh he can, moving his palms over every little curve, every inch of your skin.

#yandere x reader #yandere genshin impact #yandere albedo x reader #tw: extreme content #tw: noncon #yandere albedo

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downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles · 4 years

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What a relationship with the Turtles is like: (SFW, Bayverse, fem reader)

Leo

• honestly he's such a gentleman

• he's all about being dignified and mature, so he treats you how he thinks a lady should be treated, and much more

• like any of them, he is protective of you, but knows you're trustworthy. He's not insecure about your relationship and seldom has any doubts of your devotion. Confidence is key; a skill he developed from years of being leader.

• he respects you so much. He makes you feel strong in your own ways and definitely brings out the best in you. On the flip side, you've made him realize that he needs to learn to be a bit more vulnerable when it's appropriate.

• treats you gingerly but doesn't let you become complacent. He won't try to budge your limits, but he'll slowly and surely encourage you toward them, eventually either breaking through or getting there. He worked subtly to coax you out of your comfort zone as your metaphorical shell when you first got together.

• also treats you gingerly, physically—he has refinement and self control, so he's not afraid of accidentally harming you as Mikey or Raph would. When he hugs you, it's always gentle and soft, and his muscular arms seem to hold you so well.

• sometimes you may see him as being stern with you, but it's always coming from a place of love and admiration. He wouldn't give you a challenge he didn't think you could handle.

• as you indulge in his activities and hobbies of his such as training, meditating, etc, he takes interest in your hobbies too. He'll set aside time to do things you love with you, but still keeps his routine.

• unfortunately is a little emotionally constipated; doesn't always express how he feels if he's unsure. But will come to you if he's really floundering and confide in you, and Splinter as well.

• really, he wants to see you grow as a person, and he wants to be the one to facilitate that. Perhaps he'll learn to be more open about his feelings with your help, too.

• you two sometimes bicker a bit about his lack of communication, because even though he's used to being mediator, relationships and new priorities (you and your wants and needs) are a new thing, so he needs time to adjust to the new lifestyle.

• no matter what though he can't imagine life without you now that he has you in it.

• he makes it out to you like he's sure that he'll always be there to defend you, but secretly thinks about situations where he wouldn't be quite often. He didn't voice his concern to you and instead masks his desire to teach you to fight to the best of your ability as just a way to get exercise and fit in, but it's more than just an activity to him; your ability to hold your own when it comes down to it is incredibly important to him.

Donnie

• Donnie needs to have someone he can be on the same wavelength with. Because so much of his time is consumed by his hobbies and activities, he loves for you to join him in his research and studies and occasionally to shadow him as he works on gadgets and such.

• is very attentive and is always keen to ask you questions. There's always something new to learn about a person, so although he loves it when you show interest in his things, he is keen on learning more about what makes you, you.

• a lot of late nights in his lab with him. He's a bit manic some nights about his research, so he stays up late, late into the night, sometimes becoming so distracted that he doesn't notice you falling asleep. He always silently kicks himself for letting himself get that consumed by his work and would gently pick you up, carrying you back to bed.

• the way he shows affection is by talking and getting to know you more. He's a major multitasker, so sometimes he'll have you sitting in his lap, him asking you things, all the while working on something.

• if it's important, he sometimes gets a little too distracted by his work. This has caused a couple of small squabbles, but it's imperative that you understand his devotion to his work as much as you.

• is also a sucker for sharing music, so he sets up playlists of his ever-changing list of favorite songs all the time.

• at times you get a bit confused at how little he'll talk about himself, because he'll just keep asking you questions about yourself rather than talk about his own stuff. As soon as you get that boat sailing, though, he can't shut up about his joys and interests, and his real self really shines through in those moments. He really is adorable when he gets into a topic he loves.

• can be a little insecure about your relationship at times; he's a bit of a worrywart so he has to be reminded by you that your relationship is amazing and he's perfect. He gives you a firm hug, resting his head on your shoulder and thanking you.

• he loves to just relax and be with you. He's the type that is completely content sitting on the bed talking for hours, or maybe even playing a game with you and Mikey. Board games are one of his leisurely pastimes on boring nights.

• is VERY worrisome of your safety. You have to reassure him constantly that you're not going anywhere anytime soon, and that he shouldn't stress himself out thinking about what-ifs. That's just part of who he is, though.

Mikey

• First of all, Mikey can be a LOT to handle. He's rambunctious, energetic, and honestly, a breath of fresh air from the other three's more or less reserved natures. (Save for Raph's outbursts.)

• Mikey always says what's on his mind whether it's appropriate or inappropriate. He tries to be communicative but sometimes his vocabulary or articulation fails him. It's still very cute, though.

• he REALLY absolutely adores sharing his hobbies with you. Video games, skateboarding, maybe pranking here and there—it excites him greatly to see you trying out his style, and it's hard not to appreciate his openness about his feelings.

• out of the four brothers he's definitely the most emotional, and here and there gets a little insecure if he misunderstands something he sees or something you say. He's not possessive of you, as he loves his brothers and is used to sharing his things, but he sometimes passingly wonders if you wanted one of them more than him.

• it doesn't take much to reassure him though, he's not inconsolable and will quickly move on from whatever was bothering him. He's always eager to resolve whatever's the matter, just not always sure how to.

• two words: eating. contests.

• overall, he's very playful and can be rowdy, which is a change of pace compared to the other 3 on a general basis. Again, except for Raph's outbursts; he's rowdy.

• loves trying out whatever you're obsessed with at the moment. New music? He's ready to listen to ALL of it with you. New hobby? You bet he's going to be there trying it out himself or cheering you on.

• he enjoys wrestling, tickling, and play-fighting, but forgets just how strong he is at times and gets too rough with you, causing a ruckus to break out, Leo or Donnie generally being the ones to call him out. It upsets him a lot to accidentally hurt you; he is unaware of his size compared to your own. He's not above begging for forgiveness.

• his immaturity shows itself in your relationship here and there which is a subject of annoyance on your end, but Mikey isn't too proud to admit what he did and so anything to make it alright with you. Usually either begins or ends with him clinging to you in a hug and getting emotional.

• he may be juvenile sometimes, but in a moment of crisis or when it matters, he's right by your side and ready to protect you. He might not look it, but he knows when it's time to be serious. He is still a skilled fighter, after all.

Raph

• Ohhh, head up—you two squabble fairly regularly. Most of the time due to his temperamental issues, him being overly possessive, things like that. You don't get into truly heated arguments, but he can be somewhat petty about it, which is a whole 'nother annoyance of its own.

• but he always apologizes to you, because he loves you and knows he cannot loss you. He's very prideful on the outside but on the inside uncertain of himself, uncertain of your relationship, and uncertain of the situation. He battles with accepting who he is and often wonders if you should even be with him.

• you bring out his secret soft side and make him more comfortable with it, although he won't show it in front of the others very much. He's very touchy-feely and likes to hold you, keep you close, etc.

• he enjoys cooking for you and with you.

• being in a relationship with him is tenacious but sometimes tentative, given how explosive he can be. But in daily life, he's a softie for you, and will participate in your hobbies and interests, even if they're girly or something he isn't exactly interested in. He just wants you to know that you can be yourself around him, because God knows he himself struggled with that at first.

• being in a relationship with Raph is passionate. He knows when to be a gentleman. He may not go overboard like Leo sometimes does, but he treats you like his princess. You're a gift to him.

• like Leo, he also likes to push you, albeit sometimes a too much. Such as, prompting you to lift a weight that's a little to heavy for you. Or accepting challenges for you that you aren't quite ready for. He's trying to show his respect for you and how much he thinks you can take, but he doesn't always know when too much is too much.

• gives you firm pep talks/hypes you up and gets mad when you put yourself down; it legitimately makes him angry when you say something self deprecating or cruel fo yourself. He'll grab ya by the shoulders and give you a shake while telling you how untrue it is.

• he's a gentle giant with you. Unlike Mikey, he's not unaware of his massive body and strength against you, so any movement against you is carefully monitored to make sure you aren't hurt by him.

• overcompensates by treating you like you're made of glass which can be slightly annoying but you still love him anyway because you're his princess, how else is he supposed to treat you??

• he would lay down his life for you in a heartbeat if he had to. (Although this implies that the others somehow wouldn't, he feels particularly strongly about it. He always thinks about how he's going to protect you when the time comes.)

#tmnt mikey x reader #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt romance #tmnt x reader #exophilia #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt donatello x reader #TMNT #tmnt leonardo x reader #tmnt michaelangelo x reader #tmnt raphael x reader #tmnt donnie x reader #writing #romance writing #romance #fanfiction #relationships #sfw

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sundeity4 · 3 years

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I've recently become aware of npd and it's symptoms and it didn't occur to me that it could overlap with aspd or things like that

ive been managing my whole life based on rules I've made up for myself after seeing what was being labeled "bad" or "immoral" because clearly Those ppl have a hard time and that's not what I wanted for myself. and so they help me manage I how I treat and interact with ppl, too. It's all intellectualized, ya know?

and it's occuring to me now as an adult that outside these rules and socially acceptable facades I'm not sure who I am/how I'd behave. I've been laughing at stuff I don't find funny for so long idk what my actual sense of humor is anymore cuz the fake laugh is so reflexive. things like that.

tbh I attributed it to Heavy dissociation, I feel so numb daily unless something really catches my attention. And Im a lot™ when I'm upset tho and honestly, the rules I have are also to help keep myself in check when I Am upset or overwhelmed. I don't Get a lot of myself. and No diagnosis seem to fit cuz I have no idea what's Me and what's... whatever is wrong with me. so it's hard to determine what is a symptom or what it isn't which makes the experience doubly hard to describe.

but some tests I took online did have me score high for things like npd and aspd. So idk. I guess my question is how did you know it was those 2 dx? I guess, instead of something else?

actually anon, i have bpd not aspd or npd :") so im not so sure how helpful i'll be here, since i cant give you any personal anecdotal information.

but, when diagnosing a personality disorder, its good to keep in mind that the symptoms are present at all times, not in episodes, the symptoms are present since adolescence, and the symptoms impact your daily life. and always go by the DSM 5 criteria (if you're in america). heres the dsm 5 criteria for aspd:

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I maintain my self-esteem (and often define myself) from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

My goals are often self-oriented, and I have difficulty considering how the consequences affect others.

I have difficulty understanding or relating to the ideas, feelings, or behaviors of others. (low empathy)

I have difficulty maintaining close relationships unless I am in a dominant position.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check SIX or more of the following:

I often try to make myself more influential over people and situations. I like to be in control.

I am often unable to understand how my actions or words can harm others.

I find I can be a dishonest person, either in how I present myself to others, or I’ll twist the truth of stories I tell.

I experience persistent or frequent feelings of anger or irritability.

I often find myself in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities without regard for the consequences.

I am impulsive and often act on things without thinking or planning.

I often fail to take care of responsibilities and keep promises.

__ / 7

Section IV Must check THREE or more of the following:

I fail to conform to social norms and rarely do what is expected of me.

I compulsively lie when it benefits me.

I find it difficult to make plans for the future.

I have difficulty maintaining feelings of anger or irritability.

I am rarely concerned for my own safety or well-being.

I am often unable to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

I don’t often feel regret, and I am often unable to feel remorse when I have wronged someone.

__ / 7

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adolescence, and some traits have been persistent since childhood.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

My symptoms are persistent and not triggering by a symptom from another mental disorder.

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in ASPD patients.

If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out conduct disorders. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, try anxiety disorders, neurodevelopmental disorders, and depressive disorders. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated (not required for diagnosis):

I often don’t feel anxious, even in situations where I should feel anxious.

Some of my behaviors are a means of self-preservation.

I have gotten in trouble with the law on a few occasions.

I have difficulty reading social cues.

I find I am often unable to finish tasks.

I often view people in the style of a hierarchy.

I believe everyone is only really out for themselves.

I am incredibly opinionated.

I experience dysphoria, in which I feel my body is not my own.

I often feel very tense and restless.

I am unable to tolerate boredom.

I am very often depressed.

I define myself by my accomplishments and gains.

I have considered or attempted suicide.

I find I rarely get stressed out, even in incredibly stressful situations.

__ / 15 and heres the dsm 5 criteria for npd: Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have identity issues, and I depend on others in order to define myself. My self-esteem depends on others as well. How others view me influences how I view myself, which is why I try to present myself as important or powerful.

I have difficulty settings goals for myself, and how I set them really depends on the praise I receive from others. I tend to set goals unrealistically high in order to see myself as exceptional, or contrarily too low so I can feel more powerful when the task is easy.

I struggle to identify with the feelings and needs of others, and I tend to underestimate the effect I have on others.

I have unstable relationships. I can become so focused on my own anxieties and problems I forget the needs of my partner.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check BOTH of the following:

I can be self-centered, and I feel entitled to good treatment from others, as I am dependent on it.

I like to be the center of attention, and I seek admiration from others.

Section IV Must check FIVE or more of the following:

I tend to exaggerate my achievements and talents and like to be praised for them.

I am often preoccupied with fantasies of my own success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love life.

In a way, I believe I am “special” and unique, and I like to surround myself with other people who are “special” and unique.

I require excessive admiration.

I set unreasonable expectations for both myself and the people around me.

I tend to take advantage of situations and am opportunistic.

I struggle with empathy and have a difficult time relating to others.

I am often envious, and I covet what other people have.

I can have an arrogant or haughty attitude.

__ / 9

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors (not required for diagnosis):

I can have either low or high self-esteem. I find it depends on the people I’m with and how they’re treating me at the time.

I tend to overestimate myself, which can often lead to disappointing myself.

I can become anxious and spiral into a depression if I don’t receive praise or admiration.

I hate being alone for too long.

I find I compare myself with others often, having no other means of defining myself unless I can use someone else as sort of a “measuring tape.”

I often feel incredibly misunderstood by others.

I find I like to have the Best of everything. The newest electronic, the most expensive brand of something, etc.

I like to constantly be moving up and making progress and can become obsessive with it.

When talking myself, I tend to ramble.

I think a lot of people are jealous of me.

I am incredibly sensitive to criticism. I don’t usually show it outwardly, but being criticized can leave me feeling humiliated, degraded, and empty.

When upset, I tend to withdraw from others.

I find being competitive is very difficult for me because there is a chance of losing.

I am often depressed and/or anxious.

I try to read people’s weaknesses while hiding my own.

__ / 15

If you did not meet the minimum criteria for this checklist, you may want to look into anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. If you experience the symptoms above but only in episodes and not persistently, you may want to look into Bipolar Disorder. (Narcissistic traits could be a side effect of a manic or hypomanic episode.) If you met the criteria for Sections II and V but not the others, you may want to look into other personality disorders. both DSM 5 lists taken from Shit Borderlines Do

i hope this helps!

#text #ask #anonymous #aspd #npd #i speak

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badbuddhism · 4 years

Text

The Near Enemies of Buddhism

The near enemies in Buddhism are a way for us to honestly assess whether or not the intentions behind our speech, thoughts and actions are in accordance with the Four Virtues, or if we are in fact acting from selfishness. This is no easy task as it requires us to be completely honest with ourselves about how we're feeling and what exactly is driving us; we must first develop skills of self-reflection as the near enemies can be difficult to spot. Our self-concern or pride may be exceedingly subtle, and convincingly appear as though we are acting out of compassion or care for others where really our self interest is leading us.

The far enemies are those reactions which are complete opposites to the virtues, and will be much easier to spot as they arise.

1. The near enemy of loving-kindness (Metta) is selfish affection. Selfish affection is directed at only a limited number of people, and is based on our attachment to them (or simply our self-created image of them). Selfish affection means that we will want someone to act according to our own desires and expectations, and can give rise to other emotions such as possessiveness, jealousy, fear of loss, or pride. Loving-kindness as one of the four virtues, however, is both directionless and limitless. All sentient beings are welcomed in the light of loving-kindness regardless of our own selfish desires or preferences towards them. Loving-kindness is a kind of freedom for both the giver and receiver - those that give it are free from the trappings of their egotistical desires that limit their happiness. Those who receive this kind of love from another will be taken purely as they are, free from the expectations or pressures placed on them in normal relationships. The far enemy of loving-kindness is ill-will or hatred.

2. The near enemy of compassion (Karuna) is pity. This one can be especially difficult to see, because they can often appear together. Compassion as a virtue is a genuine, heart-felt emotion which is free of the selfish pull of ego, such that we empathise deeply with another being in a way which does not pull negatively at our own mental stability, nor does it involve our arrogance or pride. Compassion is to approach the suffering (or happiness) of another in a place of complete equals, where ideas of differences of self or station are disregarded in favour of seeing the foundational sameness of all beings. Pity, on the other hand, is a movement of ego where difference of self and other are the baseline for response: it can sometimes involve levels of contempt, pride or patronisation for the receiver. Although pity can be felt deeply, it is not the same as the selfless care of compassion. The far enemy of compassion is cruelty and intentional harm.

3. Joy for others (Mudita), or sympathetic joy, can quickly morph into its near enemy: exuberance. Normally exuberance is seen positively such as when one is approaching work or tasks, but exuberance is an overly-excited state where one loses their mindful equinimity. It is a state where we revel in our own happiness, rather than allow for the arising of joy directed at others. The far enemy of sympathetic joy is jealousy or resentment.

4. The final near enemy is indifference, which arises in place of the virtue of equinimity (Upekkha). Equinimity is a state in which we maintain our internal peace regardless of what happens. No emotion, thought or physical event can destabilise our internal calm (though thoughts and emotions, both positive and negative, continue to arise). Equinimity is achieved through the practices outlined by the Buddha, such as meditation and mantra, as well as through the resultant deepening in understanding about the fundamental nature of ourselves and phenomena. When we see the world as it truly is, we are less prone to reactions based in ignorance or self-concern and an ocean of calm develops within us. Indifference is quite different: where equinimity allows for an open hearted approach to the world - a kind of courage where all things are welcomed equally- indifference originates in a closing-off of the heart. We shut ourselves off from life in an attempt to shield ourselves from suffering. Where in equinimity everything is felt, in indifference a kind of numbness creeps in. Because indifference is based in fear and self-concern, it is ineffective at preventing suffering and instead gives us many difficulties. The far enemy of indifference is clinging and desires.

When it comes to the Four Virtues and the Near Enemies, the key is to understand that in training with such, we do not need to judge, demonise or berate ourselves when near or even far enemies arise. We undertake such practices because they lead to liberation and happiness for ourselves and others, there is no sin or wrongness. The path is undertaken for the benefit of sentient beings everywhere, and that includes ourselves.

#Buddhism #Buddhist #Buddha #Bodhi #Bodhisattva #Bodhicitta #Zen #Zazen #Chan #Meditation #Meditator #Spiritual #Awakening #Nirvana #Enlightenment #Four enemies #Four virtues #Buddhist practice #Self post

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

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May I request GHJPU for Sebastian? Sebby needs more love :D (eee sorry if any of this overlapped or its too much, have a cookie for your troubles 🍪)

DID SOMEBODY SAY LOVING SEBASTIAN HOURS!?!?!?!?! FERAL EYE GLEAM

Bless your heart!!! Sebastian has found a new and very dear place in my heart as of late, I would be delighted to offer my thoughts!!!!! :D (your cookie offering has been accepted with the utmost glee 🍪, I hope my humble writing efforts will bring you equal joy, lovely~💖💖💖)

G = Gifts (How does he feel about gift giving? What are his habits when it comes to this?)

Awwww haha, baby boy Sebby is honestly a very observant and reliable kind of S/O, I think. He will notice even the tiniest of changes in MC’s expression--the slightest shifts in her temperament. As a result of his attentive nature he has an easy time deducing the things she might like, always makes a mental note of where her eyes linger. Is there a classic she once loved in her time being published for the first time in their era, on display at a bookstore nearby? Noted. Does she hover near shops filled with self-care products--things like scented candles or lotions or bath salts, things she considers indulgent luxuries? Noted. Is there an outfit that caught his eye in a boutique, something he thinks would complement her complexion perfectly? Noted.

The thing about Sebastian is that his gifts will be heartfelt, timely, and devastatingly thoughtful. Whether something small or something lavish it will always be precisely what she needs/wants, and she can sense the loving care he put into finding the perfect gift.

H = Holding Hands (When/how does he like to hold hands?)

Honestly? Sebastian has spent the better part of his life alone. His circumstances weren’t the worst; for all that he’s lost in his life he never went hungry, lived comfortably. But...that doesn’t change the fact that his life has been fairly devoid of meaningful human contact. Even in college, friends and close colleagues were hard to come by. The few people he did develop budding feelings for he always gave up on long before it could become any kind of substantial relationship. He was always the type to admire from afar, never really felt worthy of the people he liked.

It was MC that was the first to reach out to him, and for the first little while in their relationship she will be the one most naturally inclined to reach for him. He isn’t really used to having someone by his side like this, somebody who would be delighted to hold his hand--who wants to be close to him. It’s always a shock when they go grocery shopping and he just feels her fingers wrap gently around his. She blushes a little and says something about not wanting to get separated, but it’s clear what her real motivation was.

After those first few months, it becomes much more natural for him to reach for her hand when they’re traveling somewhere together or when they’re alone. He likes to intertwine their fingers, loves the way they fit against his perfectly. His shyness wears off after a while, and it’ll be rare to see them together without them holding hands--unless they’re cooking or at work.

J = Jokes (Does he like to joke around with or prank her? How?)

Do you know how cats have their eyes all narrow thin pupil but then they go REALLY REALLY round? That’s Sebastian. I tend to refer to it as “Silly Time Mode Engaged.”

Now then, his kind of joking is very dry and very deadpan. It’s subtle and immediate, so if you’re not attuned to it it can be easy to miss. That, or people just look at him weird because they don’t quite get the connection he’s making and/or the delivery feels off because his facial expression doesn’t change at all, completely flat. That being said, one of his all time favorite things to do is to say something absurd or nigh histrionic (which tends to be uncharacteristic of him) and wait for the confused head turn/startled laughter to hit. He will make puns and play on words all the time--he puts his academic knowledge to good use.

“I swear when I first met you I was convinced you were an AI.” “Alexa taught me everything I know.” He’ll bow. “Oh? Do I have competition, in that case?” “Your speakers are suboptimal (he pokes her freckles), but you possess what Alexa lacks.” “And that would be?” He’ll gather her close, smiling against her lips. “My heart.” :D cutest robot I ever saw uwu

Bonus bc I have a problem: “Is stealing hearts in Alexa’s programming? Just to be safe, of course.” “I think it’s safe to say it isn’t within the parameters of her design--but that doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods just yet.” cue sounds of tickling and laughter

The other way Sebastian messes with MC is that he is an ENORMOUS tease in the bedroom. He’s very much the kind of lover that prefers to tantalize and draw things out; a long, slow seduction that will render MC immobile from the pleasure by the end. The promise of a kiss is almost always only a whisper of the feeling he intends to drown her in. Remember that Sebastian’s stoicism belies a nigh inhuman ardor and self-control. He’s more than willing to leave her wanting in order to fully capitalize on that desire later at night.

P = Pet Names (What does he like to call her?)

Other than her name? HE DOESN’T AHAAHAHAHAHA Just kidding of course, but given where he comes from pet names between couples aren’t...really a thing…(take it up with Japan, I Was Today Years Old, my sappy romantic ass would never survive)

The funny inverse of this though is that he does NOT fuck around with people that try to call MC pet names. When Arthur Tries It™ he canonically goes all steely saccharine, openly telling the others they’re together. So none of that “luv” or “doll” business, he will not have it (he won’t fight the purebloods on it because 1. they’re more like doting grandfathers than anything and 2. Sebastian does not have a death wish). If MC has a nickname of some kind, then I could see him using that or adding his own spin on it with a great deal of affection c:

U = Upset (How does he act when she’s upset?)

Whether he was the cause or not, Sebastian has a single modus operandi when his beloved is upset (and to anyone who’s upset really) and that is to offer gentle reassurance/an apology. He is very, very sensitive to the feelings of others and really takes it to heart when someone isn’t feeling well. That being said, he won’t always be overt about his concern--he’s more the type to do little things that offer constant support/reminders that he’s there for them.

If it’s something more serious, he will do everything in his power to minimize the harm done and sooth the MC. His attempts to comfort her will be tender, muted, and consistent; prolonged hugs, doubles his offering of sweets, makes her favorite foods, gives her a relaxing bath salt to use--anything that he knows for certain will coax her lips up into a smile. He’s the type to freely offer space for her to figure things out if she needs it, but he will also be watchful; he won’t let things escalate if she needs externalized support to heal (bc lbr some problems we can’t solve alone ;-;).

His other go-to method is to offer distractions in any capacity that he can. Will offer to teach her a new recipe, or find a new type of flower he wants to plant together, or make up some kind of project he needs help with. Sometimes he’ll genuinely need the help, but most of the time he does it for the express purpose of getting her mind away from negative things and focused on him/the present. It’s hard to dwell on upsetting things when you’re body is physically demanding something else from you, even more so if it’s a fairly complex task. She’s known to be very dutiful; she’ll be so focused on doing a good job she’ll forget the sadness/irritation for a bit and the intensity of the emotion might ebb slightly.

If the issue is lighter, he’ll probably just cuddle/tickle her back to fighting spirit, pressing kisses wherever he can reach until she starts giggling. In these instances he prefers to hug her from behind, a reminder that she doesn’t have to face anything unpleasant or unnerving all on her own; he’ll always be there to hold her steady whenever she needs him.

And rest assured, this man is always gathering data to optimize his comfort capabilities. He is incredibly adaptable, and will always be watching her reactions closely to adjust his strategies.

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp sebastian #ikevamp sebas #ikevamp headcanons #ikevamp hcs #ikevamp akihiko #these were really fun to write!#sebby's route was a delight #he definitely climbed up my personal rankings for sure #ikevamp has given me so many delightful surprises #it'll likely still be a wait for the english crowd tho so i hope this tides you over lovelies~#not incorrect quotes

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mfkinanaa · 3 years

Text

SUN IN SCORPIO.

Scorpio: Fixed Water

Ruler: Mars

Keywords: Transformation, Intensity, Purification, Power

Positive Expression: Creativity, healing, transformation, regeneration, loyal, focussed, pure, intimate, erotic

Negative Expression: Destructive, annihilation, cruel, seductive, manipulative, controlling, betrayal, possessiveness.

A Deeper View.

When the Sun is found in the mysterious sign of Scorpio, the emphasis is on the subtle and profound. Motivated by a need for emotional closeness, Scorpios seek connection and truth. Those born with the Sun in Scorpio often have much to learn about the nature of intimacy and power.

Scorpio is a complex sign with many dimensions of expression. This complexity is traditionally described by the three symbols which are associated with the sign – The Scorpion, The Eagle and The Phoenix. Each symbol reveals something about what motivates the Scorpio individual, and so what their purpose in life might be. With the Sun in Scorpio, strong intuitive abilities help them penetrate to the essence of reality, to see things and others as they truly are.

Ruled by the Water element, Scorpios are sensitive individuals. They have an almost compulsive need to face the truth about themselves and the people in their lives.

Scorpio is associated with desire, sexuality and release. It also relates to the psychological motivations which underpin human behaviour. Through confrontation with their own and other people’s true nature, those with the Sun in Scorpio tend to experience life lessons that acquaint them with the depth of what it means to be human. This insight gives them the opportunity to offer a truly compassionate understanding of human nature to those who can benefit from it most.

Scorpio also governs matters to do with life, death, transformation, intimacy, relationships, destruction, renewal and regeneration. This sign rules crisis situations, life and death decisions and emergency services.

Scorpio also has a financial emphasis, meaning that there can be a talent for managing other people’s resources. Accordingly, Scorpio is connected with stocks, bonds, investments and strategic decision-making.

This sign is also associated with hidden matters such as magic and the occult, as well as depth psychology, forensics, criminology, mafia and any study of unconscious forces. Those born with the Sun in Scorpio often have an uncanny knack for sensing the subtle or hidden undercurrents in a situations. They respond in ways that bring hidden dimensions to light.

Scorpios can excel in any circumstance that calls for reconstruction, renewal and reform. Usually those born wth the Sun in Scorpio will be drawn to at least one of these areas of experience. They have a flair for confronting issues head-on.

Finding the Truth.

This capacity to perceive the core of what drives other people means that Scorpios are unlikely to mince words. In negotiations and discussions, they have the ability to put their finger on exactly what is happening, or needs to be said in a given moment, in order to bring about change.

This ability to “call a spade a spade” means they can be very effective in all forms of analysis, strategic planning or conflict resolution. They can also be especially useful in any activity that requires the removal of obstacles from a given path.

They can make excellent healers, counsellors and psychotherapists because of this capacity to uncover the truth. By sensing their way down to the foundations of psyche, they gain the perspective to look at things realistically and assess what is truly going on.

This need to get to the essence of things comes from a powerful urge to face truth. Scorpio is a sensitive and subtle sign. Whilst the may appear calm and controlled, they are easily hurt and need time to learn to trust. Once their trust is given, it is unflinching and loyal.

Because they are so sensitive, they know when something untoward is afoot. They quickly sense when others are keeping the truth from them, and this feeling will make them hold themselves back.

They often prefer to sit back to assess others first, watching what they are doing, how and with whom before deciding who it is they can trust. Scorpios tend to be very private people, and even the most extroverted Scorpio will keep certain things strictly to themselves.

It takes time for them to open up and share. They tend to value privacy and personal space. When feelings of trust and intimacy do develop, then they can be the most caring and generous of lovers or friends. For Scorpio, intimacy is a precious thing that cannot be given and must be earned.

Their sensitivity however makes them vulnerable, and they seek to protect this vulnerability by confronting the source of whatever is challenging them or causing them concern. By facing problems at their source, they hope to disarm an enemy or a situation before it has the opportunity to overpower them.

Their best offense is defense, and they do this with lethal precision. They will confront the truth about themselves, as well as other people, if it will bring them closer to their goal. This need to face what is going on can come across as provocative or confrontational. Scorpios can appear controversial – even threatening – simply because they are seeking to expose the truth.

With the Sun in Scorpio, the ability to uncover hidden matters means they can see through any facade, and pick up on any attempt at deception. It is very difficult for anyone to pull the wool over Scorpio eyes. They use this uncanny sensitivity to protect their vulnerable feelings, and seek out those they can fully trust.

Finding The Light Within The Dark.

As much as Scorpios are famed for their intensity, they are also famed for their sting.

Learning to recognize and deal with the negative or toxic parts of their own nature is an essential part of the journey toward truth. There is an “all-or-nothing” quality about this sign that must be handled with care.

When they love someone, they do so completely. They can be especially devoted, caring and committed. But when they feel threatened or uncomfortable, they may show a more destructive side which can be the source of much heartache and regret.

Because Scorpios deal in power and truth, they know the impact their words can have. They also know that words and truthfulness can be used to harm others as much as they can be used to heal.

Those Scorpios who have not learnt to refine their personalities can use a well-aimed remark to destroy another, attacking them at their weakest and most vulnerable point. A certain amount of power is gained from this ability to find another’s weakness, but this power is something they must wield with care.

The toxic, unconscious and non-regenerative aspects of their own nature will make them strike out defensively, preemptively wounding others to keep them at bay. This then poisons potential relationships, and destroys what might otherwise be healed.

It is very human to blame others for the faults we also carry ourselves. Scorpios need to recognize when this shadow is operating so that it can be redeemed and brought into the light.

This requires absolutely honesty, firstly with themselves. Once they see themselves more clearly, they are in a much better position to recognize when they need to keep clear of someone, and who it is they can really trust.

Consequently, it is important for Scorpio’s to become aware of their own faults before they can comfortably deal with others. This sign requires that they examine their own emotional natures, in order to grow and evolve.

It is important that they learn to spend time alone, and get to the bottom of what they are feeling and why. As a Water sign, they may experience intense emotional needs and desires. These desires demand satisfaction, and can lead to obsessive states of mind.

Becoming obsessed about an outcome or a person is a strong signal that something else is going on. Often, Scorpios carry deep desires to posses or control another person as a way to conquer some undisclosed aspect of themselves. The other person represents a part of themselves they are unconsciously trying to bring into the light.

Finding and refining these undercurrents will lead to a purification of their sense of self and their relationships.

Once Scorpio has embraced transformation they can operate as a powerful force for change. Not only does their own life improve , but they become adept at helping others to improve themselves.

Scorpios are often privy to the secrets of others. Because they value privacy they recognize the value of what others share with them. Scorpios can act like vaults, holding the difficult truths people need to share about themselves when they have nowhere else to turn.

Scorpios know the power of secrecy, and will keep a confidence with great loyalty. This sign is also connected with catharsis, and by letting others confide in them, those with the Sun in Scorpio have a way of helping them let go of whatever is holding them back. By facing emotional truths honestly, they help themselves and others change.

Resource Management.

A further aspect of the Scorpio nature involves the management of other people’s resources.

This is a very financial sign, and Scorpios often have special talents in dealing with finance and resource management. They excel at strategic planning and having an intuitive awareness around when to go forward and when to pull back.

Their sense of timing is often excellent, as they can read the subtle energies pooling in the moment. Scorpio can patiently wait for exactly the right moment to act. Their success comes from having the tenacity to hold onto momentum when other, less resolute individuals have lost focus or let opportunities dissipate.

Scorpios have an intimate understanding of power and its potential. So they know how to use it to maximum efficiency. Thus, they can be naturally attuned to work in government, financial and property markets, where the ability to see the true value of something or wield power from behind the scenes is a real asset.

Sun in Scorpio: Your Solar Journey.

Born with the Sun in Scorpio, your journey is likely to involve learning through transformation and change. You are here to experience power and see how power operates through life. You may see this process in yourself or other people, and can develop great strength through constant cycles of crisis and regeneration. Over time, you gain inner wisdom through confronting your own inner demons and desires.

In essence, your journey is one toward greater levels of intimacy both with yourself and other people. You are likely to seek deep, one-on-one encounters with others where you can explore the depths of your emotional nature. From intimacy comes real growth, as well as a unique perspective on the mysteries of human life. To attain this level of illumination, you must always be truthful with yourself.

#astroworld #astrology #astrotips #aries sign #taurus #gemini #cancer sign #leo #virgo zodiac #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

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astrolovecosmos · 5 years

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The 8th House and Resources, Sharing, Giving

We are going to talk about the 8th House and giving and sharing. Many times people concentrate on the physical realm with this but I want to remind people that the 8th also deals with intimacy and emotional bonding, here is where sharing and giving is also very important. The 8th encompasses both the trope of “a partner’s wealth” or “joint finances” as well as giving and sharing on deeper levels. Also I want to take a second to talk about “magnetism”. You see a lot of people talking about the 8th house like it is ALL about ATTRACTION. When really it goes back to the core theme of merging, connection, bonds, sharing. This house is about intimacy and while in synastry it does point to areas of great magnetism, the house on its own is more about reading/using it to find out what type of bond people can create rather than just being mysteriously pulled to each other.

Aries in the 8th: We start with a placement that tends to be more self-oriented, even when talking about shared resources. In terms of a partner’s resources or family - they have good luck with attracting a partner that will give to them, maybe provide for them. This is looked at in a few ways. 1. You will see references to Aries in the 8th almost “taking” these resources. Demanding it from a loved one, because it is the right thing to do or it is their privilege. 2. Aries risk-taking trait is seen in being brave with joint finances or sharing property with others. 3. The leading side of Aries can be seen taking the lead on family resources or even a community or company. Resources are likely distributed to the underdog or underprivileged. The idea of gambling away resources can exist here. Opportunities to give or receive resources tend to be plentiful for this individual. In terms of sharing and giving, this person tends to be more about what they can receive from others. BUT they can share themselves passionately and impulsively, being open with what they have to give.

Taurus in the 8th: Possession, owning, territory - associations with Taurus. In the 8th House in terms of resources we see someone who can get possessive over what should be shared. When making decisions on sharing or distributing they tend to be practical. The gathering or collecting side of Taurus can be seen here as someone who intentionally is on the look out for resources in others. This can extend to “emotional resources”. Meaning they may seek out people to depend on or they may seek out people who give them comfort or make them feel confident. When it comes to resources in general, whether tangible or not, lines can be blurred between what is shared or what is theirs, mostly due to their desire for security and a possible nature to hoard or to own. They are cautious in what they give to others. They can fall into “giving” in a material sense more than emotional sometimes.

Gemini in the 8th: Possibly scattered with shared resources and joint finances. There is a superficial or possibly detached approach going about sharing. Here is a person who may underestimate how much depth and responsibility there is in sharing resources, money, property, etc With their open mind and objective nature this person can be altruistic towards giving and sharing. This person may swing back and forth from being overly concerned about frivolous resources to being progressive and open about sharing their stuff, themselves, and even more so their wisdom or knowledge. When I say superficial in terms of sharing I mean they get hung up on the distribution of gifts or compliments among friends or always seeing affection or praise as a game or competition with a lover. When Gemini in this house “shares” it is likely sharing what they know or sharing their mind more than anything.

Cancer in the 8th: Here is a cautious person in terms of sharing, can be practical towards joint finances, and they approach sharing very emotionally. When they do “share” they tend to really share themselves - their insecurities, their wants, their deepest thoughts and feelings. In terms of what is shared there is a big emphasis on inheritance. Meaning this person may have to share a lot due to inheritance or because of their own passing their resources, even their influence is most impactful on heirs/next of kin. What is to be obtained and what is most useful to them for growth may mostly come from an inheritance of some sort. A possessiveness and jealousy can exist for this person towards giving or what might be shared.

Leo in the 8th: This can indicate a very generous person both in the tangible or within intimacy. Not only do they give material goods or affection, but creative energy as well. Due to Fire’s connection with opportunity this can be seen as a “lucky” placement for inheritance or joint finances. Leo is connected to groups and leadership. Here is one who may take charge of distributing resources or making big decisions financially for a group or for inheritances. Will give in a big way but expects others to return the favor. May refuse to share or more likely accept what is given to them out of pride. May pass on or inherit things that give them authority/power. Transparency about what is being given or divided is important to them.

Virgo in the 8th: We see someone who likely “gives themselves” to others through service or help. However this can get quite physical due to some of Virgos’ themes. Giving themselves to others at times can really mean surrendering to physical intimacy. In terms of sharing and shared resources, Virgo wants to be fair but can sometimes fall into being overly practical or logical in how they give, share, and divide, sometimes ignoring the feelings or sentiments of others. They want clear communication and boundaries when it comes to shared resources, finances, dept, etc. Must be careful of being overly materialistic or picky when it comes to approaching shared resources.

Libra in the 8th: Here is a placement that is all about sharing. Sharing is usually among partners, between two people. Although there is a sense of teamwork and fellowship that this person holds in high regards. When giving or giving themselves they tend to “give” in forms of cooperation, adaptability, peace making, networking, or admiration. There can be idealism towards joint finances or shared resources. This person demands fairness and is objective towards distribution. They can fear sharing their flaws or hidden self, sometimes avoiding intense intimacy.

Scorpio in the 8th: Being decisive and controlling about what is shared can happen. The desire to master, understand, and to take hold of what is happening in this house exist. When they give themselves they do give fully and ardently. They honestly sacrifice themselves in many ways in terms of what they give to another. Desire, power, control, obsession, these traits of Scorpio can be roadblocks or even paths to destruction in sharing and bonding. Here we see someone willing to give it all but needs to learn sharing is also about receiving and not being able to control what is given and sometimes what is taken.

Sagittarius in the 8th: There is a giving of optimism and trust. This person has a lot of faith in others and their ability to give or share. We see someone who can run into disappointment or be led into harm at times because of this. Financially they can lack focus or be too risky. This is the same for resources in the material world. There is an association with “luck” or positivity towards what is going on in the 8th. This is someone who can over share or over promise. There can also be a firm philosophy they follow in terms of joint finances, opening up intimately, or approaching shared resources.

*Sagittarius and Gemini in this house are both associated with the possibility of persuading others to share or to give them resources. They can also talk their way out of debt or promises.

Capricorn in the 8th: There is a focus on defining what is theirs and what is others. We see some control issues regarding what is shared and what is given. Providing is a theme and might be what they “give” the most of. They give to others through responsibility, working, giving purpose. They can be restrictive of what they give of themselves, causing limitations to intimacy. Fear and loss can create issues of security in this house. Laws getting in the way or even saving them somehow is associated - especially when taking about things such as inheritances.

Aquarius in the 8th: Can be opinionated or even philosophically fixed in how resources should be shared or about wealth. There is certainly a part of them that might not care about wealth or possessions at all. They are likely to donate an inheritance or on another spectrum - undervalue shared resources and therefore give things away that isn’t always helpful or isn’t well understood by receivers. In terms of sharing and “shared resources” we see someone who is more about shared values in a community or the collective. What they share is usually on a bigger scale with ideas, inventions, innovation, or change. In a more intimate setting they give new ideas and perspectives. They may also give freedom or liberation in some way.

Pisces in the 8th: A placement that isn’t always wrapped up in money or things. When it comes to shared resources it is more about shared feelings or shared faith. Giving to them is more along the terms of sacrifice, believing they need to truly give it all to be able to connect.. A manipulative side can come out in terms of joint finances or gaining resources. A spiritual view can also change how they give, take, or share. There is fear of being left out as well as owing someone something. Guilt can surround inheritances or shared resources too.

Planets

Sun in the 8th: Ego and identity is shared above all else. This can be looked at in many different ways. On one end there are times they sacrifice the self, bend or mold the identity as a way of giving to others. This can also mean someone who values pride and ego above sharing and intimacy. May also "share" or take on financial debt, responsibility, etc. to become the "hero", to become the "strong one" or "responsible one", or to bolster their ego.

Moon in the 8th: Safety, security, comfort - here is what is wrapped in shared resources. This person could become cautious about sharing or try to take more than their share due to these needs. Things are taken personally in terms of sharing, both physical or emotional. Dependency is a big theme here. Those with Moon in the 8th may become very familiar with shared debt, resources, responsibilities, and care due to co-dependent relationships. This person may be the one in charge of shared resources too, giving a part of them or giving financially to support others. Reflecting a partner, friend, or family member's way of connecting is associated. What is being "shared" might be a mirror to what another person is sharing with them.

Mercury in the 8th: Inconsistencies and flightiness can exist towards sharing. The trickster stereotype can come up here in "tricking" people into giving them something or finding loopholes in laws. Closeness tends to be created through communication. This is a person who can carry lessons in this area of life and share them. What they say tends to come back to haunt them or help them. Through thought and sharing information is where they connect and how what is given back to them will manifest/form.

Venus in the 8th: There is an inclination to easily share with others. In fact sharing and giving may be one of the main ways they show affection, especially when it comes to buying things for others. Balance, harmony, fairness - these are all things they desire in terms of connecting and sharing. There will be plenty of lessons on how to balance and get a hold of "give and take" in emotional bonds. Venus in the 8th is very well known for marrying into wealth, status, or prosperity. There is a warning of "marrying" into other associations of the 8th house with other people such as obsession, fear, or secrecy/hidden taboos. Venus in the 8th can be vulnerable to being used or tricked by others for their resources. Venus is looking to expand their awareness, to trust, to bond, to merge through relationships and is doing so in a house that is also known for loss and crisis.

Mars in the 8th: Here we see someone who is hesitant to share and to give. They want to take complete control over their destiny and can find it hard to share this mission with others. Intimacy can be met with passion and honesty but they want to take what they believe is rightfully theirs. This is an independent person who takes what is given to them and benefits from it right away or ensures that the property, wealth, or even a secret is for them and them alone. There is an association with fighting for resources or inheritance. Using shared resources to settle a fight can also happen. They may use physical intimacy to gain. A lot of energy can be burning in this area of life.

Jupiter in the 8th: Much like Sagittarius, this indicates luck and prosperity towards inheritances and what is given or shared. This tends to be a generous person and the more they give, the more they are likely to get back. We see a lot of Jupiter's connection with abundance in the 8th. Be careful of over indulging in more heavier emotions of the house, leading to heated obsession. Bonding tends to come from sharing beliefs, ideas, and dreams. There needs to be a spiritual connection between those they get close to or share with or a lively intellectual connection.

Saturn in the 8th: Here is someone who could try to take control or authority over shared resources or inheritances. Inheriting something or somehow becoming in charge of shared resources can become a burden or challenge for them. Struggles also tend to pop up whenever they want to connect with others. Life might always seem to get in the way of their attempt at intimacy. Strong intimacy may be found later in life. There is a big lesson on self-reliance and learning to let go. Giving may need to be much more internal and focused on giving unhealthy attachments or values away. There is a feel of "helping themselves" when ti comes to gaining resources or even closeness with others.

Uranus in the 8th: Possibly radical in their ideas towards intimacy, sharing, giving, and what is shared among family or businesses. Unexpected inheritances or even emotional bonds is associated. In the material realm beware of things getting lost, stolen, or borrowed and never returned. This stems from the unpredictability of Uranus. A large focus on the collective could exist. They make look at "sharing" and "connecting" on a much larger scale than just one-on-one. Healthy detachment and accepting change as a constant are very important lessons and themes for someone with this placement.

Neptune in the 8th: Many tend to talk about deception, illusions, and manipulation towards resources, intimacy, and inheritances. Before getting worried that you are going to be tricked know Neptune can indicate strong intuition and receptiveness towards the areas in the 8th. One might be able to quickly and easily pick up on others' bad intentions. They can be disconnected from the material side of the house. Intimacy must feel spiritual to them. They give their energy and feelings to others. Giving and having something taken from them can be blurred.

Pluto in the 8th: Inheritances and/or intimacy tends to signal a new door, a new life for them. They give with intimacy but also sometimes they may unintentionally give the darker side of their personality. Obsession and focus on what other's have can manifest. Intuition is heightened but may be tied to a manipulative side. They may use shared resources or giving and taking in plays for power. This person can both boost as well as drain other's energy - giving and taking energy as part of how they "give, connect". They can play off other's desires but also fulfill them. There is no fear of closeness, in fact there is a huge drive for it. Merging with another is an intense but natural feeling. They are in tune with the complexities of this house. They give to others emotions and attachment.

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nightwingshero · 3 years

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47 - 57 to wren!

Thank you!!! Under the cut because it got long, sorry! (TW: mentions of self-harm, child loss, alcoholism, and emotional/mental abuse).

How easily does your OC forgive?

I think it depends on the situation, but for the most part, not very easy. Wren remembers who hurt and wronged her, and she isn’t one to let go of it easily or to forget. Breaking Wren’s trust is the worst you can do, it’s not something that is at all easily forgiven. While Wren is an open minded person, she can be very harsh and severe to those who betray her, good luck getting back in her good graces after that.

What are some of your OC’s vices?

There are a few. I think the lighter side would be smoking cigarettes (or marijuana) when stressed or angry, her sweet tooth for cheesecake. On the darker side, it would be her drinking problem when she’s not mentally in a good place and cutting to cope. She has gone to therapy for the harder vices, determined to work through her dependency, anxiety and depression, and her anger problems. It’s a dark spiral she can find herself in if she’s not careful, however, and some days are harder than others.

If your OC experienced trauma, what was it?

Wren has experienced trauma most of her life, unfortunately. It started when her mother died when she was very young, leaving her with a father that believed she wasn’t enough and a child he didn’t want. She dealt with mental and emotional abuse until she finally moved out and started to go to school. After a swift affair with a college professor, Wren ended up getting pregnant, and was in a car accident with a drunk driver that made her lose the child. The Holy War brought about its own form of traumas, while also bringing back the old ones she had buried away.

What secrets does your OC have?

Her deepest, darkest secret is that when her father was sick in the hospital, there was a chance that he could recover, albeit small, and Wren had decided to pull the plug anyway. It was advised against, but she still had the option to do so and she took it, seeing it as retribution for all the things that he had done to her as a child, and how he refused to help her in her darkest and worst times. She also saw it as a fresh start, cutting away the old baggage and freeing herself from her past.

What are some of your OC’s morals?

She’s very loyal and true to her loved ones. Wren won’t ever dare to betray or ever lie to those she cares about most, it’s just...not her. Being direct and honest is something she takes seriously, and it’s not something she really does for others, it’s for her. Wren doesn’t ever want to compromise herself, or the morals/values that she holds close. Family comes first, of course, once she finds those special people to call family. So, I would say her top core morals would be loyalty and honesty.

What are some of your OC’s motivations?

Wren just wants to be loved and happy. At the end of the day, she wants what she couldn’t ever get most of her life. She is ambitious and has career goals, most aligning with psychology and/or music, but she’s constantly seeking that person, or people, that she could be happy with. She also tries to find a way to kind of restart her life, to start over and kind of find herself. It’s why she moves to Hope County in the first place, her mom having grown up there as a child. Wren will do whatever to feel closer to her mom and to find a connection.

What is the health of your OC?

That depends on where she’s at in life. Her mental health isn’t the best, and there are moments in her past where she spiraled and hit rock bottom. She does suffer from PTSD, insomnia, anxiety, and depression. Wren will suffer from palpations from time to time, (which is why Rowan tries hard to get her from drinking so many damn Monsters) but most of her health concerns are mental. Wren is able to get better (only to fall back during the Holy War), she’s gotten help before, and isn’t above doing it when she’s not okay.

Does your OC think with his/her head or heart?

Wren is intelligent and has good insight, truly. She does well with talking people through things and being empathetic, or even thinking logically to help educate or advise. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always apply to her, because she really does think with her heart rather than her head when it comes to herself. There are even moments where her advice is driven by her own emotions when helping a friend, because she does have the capability (I say capability, but honestly its a habit because she often does it) of getting defensive, protective, or allowing her own personal feelings towards someone else to cloud that judgment if she’s not careful. She will always be ruled by her emotions when push comes to shove, and that’s not always a good thing.

What are your OC’s thoughts on death?

Death...is a touchy subject for her. She doesn’t really believe in Heaven or Hell, she’s not at all religious even though she’s well versed in a lot of them. She has the knowledge, but that’s as far as that goes, she’s more spiritual. It’s a topic that she avoids only because of her past attempts to take her own life, and its the memories of that need to end everything that kind of...I wouldn’t say scare, but it’s off-putting to her and it’s a reminder of what she had done or tried to do. Wren does believe in past lives and that there’s something more, just not really an afterlife that most people believe. She just has theories that she ponders on.

What are some of your OC’s strengths?

I would say her loyalty, compassion, empathy, honesty, and how faithful she is to those she loves. Commitment is important to her and she’s loyal to the end when you earn it. Wren’s also very understanding and open, so she’s someone you can depend on when she’s in your corner. She sticks to her beliefs, values, and is true to herself and friends without wavering. Wren is just someone that will bend when it comes to loved ones, but will refuse to bow to those against her. She’s also very giving, putting others before herself even at her own expense to make sure those she cares about or those she needs to protect are okay. It wears her down in most situations, but she does it gladly when it means that the people she loves are happy and okay.

What are some of your OC’s weaknesses?

Her strengths can honestly become her weaknesses rather easily because she’s so emotionally driven, it’s easy to turn the tables on her. Wrath is definitely a big one, because it completely blinds her judgment, she lashes out without thought, and it ends up making things worse than better--whether she’ll admit that or not. Wren’s not manipulative or a liar, but she does taunt with hopes of getting you where she wants you. It’s like she wants you to rise to the occasion to challenge her Wrath or she wants you to put yourself in a position where she’s in control. It’s always on you to make those decisions while she just waits for it, which is more her Dark Siren thing vs the Judge aspect of who she is. It’s all about her appeasing her own Wrath, and taking her own personal view of justice (which in this case, is more retribution than anything). She is impatient, stubborn, and sometimes insecure when her value is called into question. Wren always fears she’s not enough for people, because her father spent most of her childhood convincing her she wasn’t.

#oc: wren blake #my ocs #asks

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toonstarterz · 5 years

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BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #159

Another day, another chapter of Watamote to fill that hole in your heart.

The suspension arc continues on, and in what seems to be a reflection of characters’ emotions, it’s a slower chapter that on the surface, doesn’t offer much in terms of “progression”. Thankfully, my overly analytical mind is here to pick up all the delightful subtleties of our cast, and pick apart the unexpected, but welcome direction this series has set itself up to move towards. All aboard the Tomoko Train!

Chapter 159: Because I’m Not Popular, I’ll Still Be Suspended

Yeah, that figures. Suspension becomes a lot less stressful when you realize you’re too bored to be stressed.

Not much else to say other than the lighting in this shot is absolutely gorgeous, ya’ll.

Sorry...I was distracted by Yoshida wearing a tie. By all accounts, it should not look as good on her as it does. Too bad we only get it for like 1 1/2 panels, but I’ll take what I can get.

♪ Wooooah, we’re halfway there!

WOAH! Livin’ on a prayer! ♫

Just some more scenery porn courtesy of Niko. Her work has really come a long way.

I sure do love these unexpected pairings that get thrown our way from time to time. They may not be the matchups we wanted, but they’re sure as hell the ones we’ll undoubtedly love.

Tomoko at it again with the sick comebacks.

It may just be out of respect to her friend Komiyama, but I’d like to think that Itou secretly(?) would like to see Komi and Tomoko become closer. A true (friend)shipper on deck.

Ah, Itou. If nothing else, your friendship with Komiyama is the real deal if you can admit to all her lunacy.

I can’t help but love how Komiyama’s whole identity is 80% related to her glasses. No surprise since its a given fact that all meganekko girls are either super pure, or super perverted, and Komi has the distinct honor of being both.

Good luck, Itou! Just play the Lottes theme song and you're guaranteed to bring at least one person to tears.

I wasn’t sure if Tomoko fully cleared up the whole “Tomoki is my brother” thing in the groping chapter, but the implication here is that Yoshida still doesn’t know. This is building up to what will surely be a hilarious revelation.

Guess we don’t have to worry about adding Itou into the Tomokibowl, huh? That would’ve been such a trainwreck. Makes you wonder who’s Itou’s type though...

As in, “Are you doing well?” or “Well, how are you?”. C’mon, Yuri, you gotta dial down the tsundere-ness and give your favorite idiot a little more context than that.

Damn, Nemo was right on the money, wasn’t she? Even over LINE, she’s not afraid to play dirty.

Btw, I love how Tomoko’s expression doesn’t change at all while looking through the messages. Like her face is frozen from processing so many slaps in the face at once.

I think this is the first Tomoko has been genuinely unnerved by Katou’s (s)mothering. Getting spoiled is a hot fantasy the first couple times, Tomoko. But once it starts bleeding into your everyday life, that’s when it starts getting a little creepy.

Let’s be honest. We all know who this is, right?

Side note: How did she get Tomoko’s LINE number?

I wanna say it’s another Mako case where Okada sent her a message because of Nemo’s influence. Poor girl is falling down the rabbit hole.

Oooooh, Katou’s getting special treatment. In her defense, I don’t think it’s necessarily that Tomoko likes her best or anything. For one, Katou the only one whose message was fairly normal. But also, it’s easy to send a quick reply to someone you’re not as close with. Logically speaking, Tomoko would likely prefer to send more detailed responses to Yuri and Nemo because she’s closer to them. And she’ll probably ignore Ucchi entirely.

Of course, logic has no place between girls fighting for dominance.

The first time we get to see Katou’s inner thoughts and...it’s nothing special.

I wasn’t expecting to see a monologue of deep-rooted insecurities or anything. That’s not this series’ thing. If anything, that mundaneness works to Katou’s advantage because it shows that while she may be incredibly attractive on the outside, she’s just a regular person with simple concerns on the inside. If they’re really going to take Katou’s affection on Tomoko into romantic territory, it’s a good place to start.

The Cuck Sisters have graduated into the Ghosted Sisters.

I’m sure Katou isn’t trying to arrogant about being the only one to get a reply. I mean, anyone would have a bit of an ego boost from that.

But I’m sorry, Katou. There’s just one small thing you have to realize...

...finding out that your girl was out seeing other people is the initiation for entering the Tomoko harem.

Poor Itou. Girl was just minding her own business and now she finds herself in the middle of the moshpit.

On that note, I absolutely love the composition of this panel. Even though the line of sight is directed at Itou, Katou’s stance draws in your full attention. Even more amazing is how having these six specific people in the frame adds to the overall intensity. We having Tomoko’s old friends, new friends, and acquaintances all together for the same discussion, and it really emphasizes just how much Tomoko’s influence has affected the whole classroom dynamic.

Small tidbit, but I appreciate that Yuri asked about Yoshida, too. Those two haven’t had many scenes alone together lately since the pachinko parlor moment, and it would sure be nice to more of their relationship outside of Tomoko.

Ucchi’s teleportation powers always gets a good laugh out of me. I also like how the very first thing she asks is if Tomoko’s creepy, like she needs that confirmation to validate even being there. Girl needs to start coming up with better excuses.

Having Ucchi and Futaki in the same panel always feels so unreal to me. I feel like if the two of them starting talking to each other, the universe would implode upon itself.

Ucchi:

I like the direction they took this. It would have been very easy for Komiyama to pretend she doesn’t care a la tsunderism. But nope. Komiyama only has a mild interest in how Tomoko’s doing, letting Yuu act as a proxy for them. Even if Tomoko and Komiyama don’t care much about each other, their history belies this odd level of intimacy.

Alright, alright, you got me Nico Tanigawa.

...Poor Minami.

I think its a merit to the mangaka’s storytelling skills that we can easily infer that Mako’s talking about Yoshida. Between Mako being who she is, Yoshida being who she is, and their growing friendship gaining attention, who else could it be?

That’s...kind of sad, honestly. We’ve seen several times just how clingy Minami is to her (one-sided) friendships, but never have we seen her sound so dependent on others. It’s been hinted at before, but being a bitch is the one thing Minami’s good at, and she might actually know that. She may act stuck-up on the outside, but the fact that’s she’s so upfront about it may actually mask a bit of an inferiority complex.

Curse you, Nico Tanigawa, for making Minami a three-dimensional character with legitimate wants and fears.

I’m glad Mako isn’t mentioning her by name. She knows Minami enough that outting her friend will lead to harm.

On Minami.

Tomoko’s triangle mouth is unironically cute. There, I said it.

Character development for Yoshida, whaaaaaat?

Let’s face it. The trio of Tomoko, Yuri, and Yoshida are all slackers in some way, shape, or form. It makes sense that Yoshida would be the last of them to put any real effort into her future. Since she isn’t the type to make personal changes just because someone told her to, the reasonable way to make Yoshida understand is through observance. As thick-headed as she is, Miss Yoshida is not about to be left in the lurch while her buddies move on without her.

Between this and my recent watching of Aggretsuko S2 (shameless plug!), it’s become apparent to me that getting a driver’s license isn’t as “mandatory” there as it is in my country. I’d imagine it has to do with the work environment there being so focused on public transit, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Tomoko actually makes a solid point there, though I get the feeling she’s imagining Yoshida driving getaway cars for the yakuza or something.

Or, you know, her chauffeur.

Ignoring the somewhat obvious advertisement for a vehicle that I’m sure was blacked out in the original version, this is totally setting itself up for the next arc of Watamote. As summer vacation gets closer and closer, I was wondering just how Tomoko was going to spend it. She obviously can’t stay at home the whole time like she did in the past, so I was thinking she’d end up doing things with her friends like working part-time jobs, going to a festival, or in this case, a road trip.

Bring on the Road Trip Arc!

Oh, I get it. Tomoko did the whole “min-na” thing that slice-of-life moe anime girls do when talking about their friends, right?

Traitor.

I’m joking, of course, but only partially. It’s clear to us all that Tomoko feels like she’s betraying a part of herself for saying something so bubbly. It was a direction I had anticipated to some degree when Tomoko began making self-deprecating jokes about becoming a normie. It was always in that “haha, like that could ever happen” tone, but it was only a matter of time before Tomoko started to become the mask. It’s scary to think you might subconsciously be changing a core part of yourself, and that realization is something Tomoko will eventually have to come to terms with.

At least we get her most adorable, genuine blush ever thanks to this.

Damn, expulsion for driving a vehicle? What’s with this school and it’s beef with having your own set of wheels?

Ah, saving up for a car. The first glimpse into Tomoko’s (and everyone else’s) efforts at adulting.

To get the obvious out of the way, no I don’t think Mako and Yoshida are naked in this panel. While Nico Tanigawa have shown that they’re not above very mild levels of fanservice, I don’t think they’d resort to something this teasing.

Probably.

Anyways, there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with Yoshida’s decision. Taking things slow is very much in line with her character. Sure, it’s kind of inconsiderate of Yoshida to flippantly go the other way after asking for help, and Mako’s frustration is understandable. But more importantly, it highlights Mako influence on Yoshida, and the Kyoto Group in general.

When it’s just Tomoko, Yuri, and Yoshida, they have a unique bond where they don’t really try to push each other out of their comfort zones. Yoshida especially, for being so damn stubborn. But when you add Mako into the mix, a.k.a. the “Mom Friend”, suddenly the level of morale and effort within the group rises. And as the most “normal” friend, Mako’s existence helps to keep their friendship from growing stagnant.

As the Suspension Arc continues, the lack of “action” gives the cast some room for a little introspection. The gags themselves may have been on the limited side, but a lot of these set-up chapters usually are. The future is near, folks, and there are no signs of slowing down, for the characters or the series itself. Changes are over the horizon, but for now, the journey continues.

#watamote #watamote review #chapter 159 #no matter how i look at it it's you guys' fault i'm not popular!#tomoko kuroki #masaki yoshida #hikari itou #tomoki kuroki #yuri tamura #hina nemoto #asuka katou #kotomi komiyama #shiki futaki #koharu minami #mako tanaka #review

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ryewi · 5 years

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Panic Room - myg

Summary: Panic Room was a realistic, virtual simulation that messed with people’s minds. No matter how ridiculous of a fear, the room would show it, or more so, would toss you right inside of it. Although the simulation didn’t do any physical harm, it still woke up appalling feelings, or mayhaps even caused damage to those who tried it.

So, what’s your biggest fear?

Genre: angst, drama

Words: 5,2k

Warnings: drug abuse, language, many negative feelings ig

Early AN: I love this work and I love this concept

Technology, oh how far will it go? It has probably exceeded expectations that were set for it a long time ago, but it still somehow manages to impress as days go by. Who would’ve thought that virtual simulation would come so far? Was it even virtual if you were able to fully experience everything that happened around you? Was it a simulation if it felt like real life?

Somewhere around this time last year, a huge announcement was made, one which notified everyone around the globe about the newest invention in science field. Truly, the creation shocked many, especially the older generations which didn’t want to accept that reality wasn’t always real anymore.

What was the invention, one may ask? It carried a simple, although slightly concerning name. Panic Room. Also, as one may guess, panic room was a self-explanatory name. The small space was limited to four concreate walls, one (usually) creaky wooden chair placed in the middle, and a powerful headset. Many were sceptic, especially after hearing what it did and how it was supposed to operate.

Panic Room was a realistic, virtual simulation that messed with people’s minds. It would throw you into this never-ending pit of confusion, a thousand questions flowing through your mind. The experience inside of the room was different for everyone, it was very personal, therefore it caused damage to those who weren’t able to comprehend the situation. Fear of the unknown and new getting the better of them.

No matter how ridiculous of a fear, the room would show it, or more so, would toss you right inside of it. There were people crying for help while trying to run away from a horde of clowns, or those who were drowning, twenty feet under the surface, feeling their lungs filling up with salty water. Although the simulation didn’t do any physical harm, it still woke up appalling feelings in those who tried it.

Why did people do it? Most of them were adrenaline hungry, while others were desperate to try and overcome their fears. Did it help? In some cases, some could argue that it did more harm than good, but really, it was up to their willpower to try it out for themselves.

With fears of your own, you were very cynic at first, or was that fright you felt? Whatever it was, you knew exactly why those feelings lingered in the heavy air. Temptation was eventually going to get the better of you, daring and easily persuading you to try it. A person could only treasure so many fears before they turned into phobias, and although your whole life was deemed free of any, the lingering want to find out whichever fear was the worst has always been present.

Your sudden change of demeanor was not missed by your boyfriend, who was currently watching hectic movements from the couch. He gave it a couple of minutes, waiting to see if the issue would resolve by itself, before he moved to check up on you. That was probably one of the things what drew you the most into him, the understanding of your own space and ability to deal with problems alone. Yoongi was an extremely considerate and mindful person, each move pre-calculated and cautious in some situations. Therefore, upon noticing his standing figure right beside the kitchen counter, it was obvious that there was something happening.

“Nervous?” Yoongi asked, eyes hooded and lips barely moving as he spoke. Tucking your bottom lip between teeth, you looked up, nodding slowly. There was a generous distance between you two, one that usually showed unexplainable hesitation of closer contact. Taking a few steps ahead, stride long, you wrapped your arms around Yoongi’s neck, pulling him closer, seeking solace. His slim arms made their way upwards, around your back, chin resting comfortably on your shoulder. It didn’t take long to feel the slight thickening around his right elbow, for it was protruding through the thin material of his plaid shirt. That bandage has been a part of his life for over a year now, serving as some kind of safety from a hazard his past habit has created. “Why?” He questioned again, fingers carefully running up and down your spine.

“I’m scared of what I’ll see” you mumbled into his hair, nose slightly tickling his left ear. Yoongi hummed in understanding at that, noise sending modest vibrations over your skin. “Don’t you already know what you’ll see there?” his voice was low, almost incoherent, but in your ears, it echoed out perfectly clear. Truly, shouldn’t you be aware of what was going to happen there? Why were you even so worried about it? The feeling currently bubbling up in your chest wasn’t at all pleasant.

“I don’t Yoongi, that’s why I’m so iffy about it” detaching from him, you took a few steps back, reaching out to grab a glass of water from the counter. Your throat felt rather dry, probably from the nervousness. Your boyfriend watched with tentative eyes, inspecting every move, trying to figure out what your body language was currently telling him.

He reached out for your hand, long fingers enveloping yours in a matter of seconds. Yoongi’s eyes looked tired, yet they shone with a special kind of glint. Almost in a reassuring manner. “You know I’ll be right outside, right?” Of course. Although he wouldn’t be right next to you, there was no chance that Yoongi would leave you to completely deal with this alone. He will still be just a doorway away, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Nodding once again and raising the glass to your lips, you gulped down the clear liquid and almost instantly felt your body refresh. A huge sigh escaped your lips. It was like a drug released straight into your bloodstream, thoughts instantly clearing, mind properly working again. Yoongi watched silently, before his gaze moved on to the wall clock beside you. He pointed at it, wishing for attention. Soon, you had to leave.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

The inside of the room was as previously explained, as expected. Dull, grey concreate walls with smooth surface, nothing but a wooden chair in the middle. There was poor light source coming from a light bulb that hung from the ceiling by one wire. Suddenly, you felt uneasy, not sure about the whole ordeal anymore.

The employee walked behind you, usually quiet steps now echoing around the walls. He was carrying something that looked like a motorcycle helmet, just without the unnecessary glass. It had numerous colorful wires protruding from its top, their endings intentionally thickened. An idea about it being some kind of a mind reading device flew through your mind, and maybe if it stayed there for a quick cup of coffee, you’d be able to think about it longer. Yet, the thought disappeared as quick as it appeared, head already filling up with new information. The chair made a series of noises as you sat down on it and it made you smile, it really was creaking.

The interior looked like an interrogation room, minus a wooden table that would probably go pretty well together with the chair. For a moment, you forgot what you were here for, the employee not making any more noises, but his presence atill strong behind you. The whole scene reminded of a horror movie and you wondered if you’re going to be murdered. Honestly, it wouldn’t be a surprise.

Then, as if on que, the man placed his hands on your shoulders, probably in a reassuring manner, but unfortunately, it made you feel fairly uncomfortable. Wait, where was the helmet?

“Miss, please relax, you’re too stiff” He said, voice hoarse and heavy, result of smoking for a real long time. It was almost possible to hear the way his vocal chords struggled and stretched to create coherent sound and you briefly wondered why would they hire someone with such an upsetting voice.

Shifting in the creaky chair apparently wasn’t enough of an indicator for the other to lift his hands up, so you had to straighten up and shrug them off yourself. Thankfully, they were off quick, so you went back to your previous laid-back position, awaiting whatever was to come next.

“I’m okay, please proceed” You sighed out, eyes fixed onto a dark dot on the wall on the other side, maybe six or so meters away. Silence enrolled for what seemed like an eternity, although in reality it was only for about ten seconds. The man took a deep breath, readying his damaged lungs for the long speech he was about to give.

“I’d please you to stay calm, to clear your thoughts for a while,” he began, walking around so his thighs were right in front of your face, “it will help with the procedure”. Then, crouching down, he held the helmet out for you to see. “Once you wake up, a whole new world will be showcased to you. It could be a location you’ve never been to before, or maybe even the comfort of your own home, but the experience will be one of a kind”. Somehow, those words sounded intriguing, reminding you of the true reason why coming here was a final decision. Panic Room was a completely new, one of a kind experience, one that had tempted you for far too long. Many friends had tried it, complimenting the technology and describing their adventures, always with so many details, emotion. Every story you heard sounded like an action movie, in which almost everyone played a role of a fearless hero. Truly, it was a possibility that they were lying, making up, polishing and shaping their experience into a completely different one – facing your biggest fears just didn’t seem that easy. Still, there was a certain amount of want to have a special story to your name too.

“Whatever you see, whatever you hear, feel, know that it isn’t real” the man continued and those were the exact words you looked forward to hearing the most. They served as additional reassurance and although not necessary, were much appreciated. “Nothing out there can really hurt you, no matter how real it feels. Remember that. It’s all in your head, you’re in complete power over this room, Miss”. That didn’t sound right, therefore your mind struggled to understand the logic behind everything the other said. How was that even possible when they were the ones controlling this whole thing?

“When does it end?” The calm in your words managed to surprise you.

“It all depends on you, Miss” The man said, seemingly unclasping something tricky on the bottom of the helmet. His long fingers worked quick, result of great experience, or may haps showcasing just how used they were to the same pattern he repeated every day. “It’s entirely up to you to end it. Although, it often seems to break a person before they’re set free, so be careful. The key is not letting your mind deceive you”.

With that, the other stood up and lifted his hands, black object held low above your head. No words were exchanged, only silent noises of agreement that now was the right time. Soon, soft and plush fabric was touching your cheeks and forehead, complete darkness enveloping you. It was nothing compared to the darkness you encounter upon blinking, or sleeping – it seemed much darker than that, something that writers would describe as pitch black. Against your temples, there were two cold bars of what you supposed were metal. No noises were to be heard, almost as if the room was sucked free of air, vacuum filling it instead. The man from before was probably gone, or at least you assumed he was, before you touched the helmet and tried to move it just out of pure curiosity. It didn’t budge.

“What are you scared of?” A strange voice spoke right into your ears, earning a yelp in return. The voice was so close and so clear, almost like an ASMR video. There were in-built speakers and that didn’t seem like a surprising discovery anymore. Upon not receiving a verbal answer, the person repeated their question again, adding your name to the sentence, only to make it more personal and gain much wanted attention.

“I don’t know” You replied, probably too loud for your liking.

“Well, that’s a shame, should we show you?” They added, but the question was rhetorical. An answer wasn’t needed because they would do it anyway, the contract you signed before entering granting them the power.

There was a flare before your eyes, one of huge intensity, almost blinding. The light made you disoriented, sudden feeling of dizziness present for only a quick moment, before you head dropped and body relaxed. Your upper body bent slightly, hands freely dangling off your sides, fingers not too far away from the ground. To a spectator, if the room had any windows they could observe through, you’d appear dead. Still, the concreate walls had no windows, and your figure was still very much alive between them.

“You may take off the helmet”

So, you did. But oh god how you wished that you didn’t.

Because surely, this shouldn’t have been it.

The room you were currently positioned in, was pitch black, save for the faint light seeping through the closet curtains. It didn’t reach far though, for the plastic blinds were covering most of the window. Despite the dark, you managed to recognize the caramel couch, black mat and most importantly, a huge philodendron in the corner of the room.

It was your living room.

The living room of the apartment you shared with Yoongi.

Maneuvering around the living room quick, familiar with positions of the furniture, you walked towards the light switch, flicking it on in swift motion. Uncertain and mildly scared of what was about to happen, you crouched down and shielded your head, remaining motionless for a few seconds. There were no unusual noises, just the sound of wind throwing branches of the nearby tree against the window to your left. Staying put a few more seconds, you speculated that no one was inside of the room, as they would’ve approached you much sooner. Yet, upon standing up and doing a quick scan of your surroundings, you concluded that you actually weren’t alone.

There, sitting on a high chair at the kitchen counter, was Yoongi. His head was resting on his bicep, right hand sprawled out, while the other tracked invisible circles on the marble of the counter. His black hair looked messy, soft strands falling all over the place, soft light reflecting off its shiny surface. Yoongi’s dark eyes were vacant, empty of any emotion. His finger never once failed to track another one of the circular motions.

Yoongi’s reaction was either non-existent, or extremely delayed. In such circumstances, one would have an immediate response, or at least that’s what you supposed. Lack of interest from his side at your rather sudden intrusion bugged you. Something itched at the back of your mind, a piece of past that kept prodding deeper and deeper into your consciousness, slowly cooling the blood that flowed through your veins.

Even after twenty more seconds, there was no reaction from your boyfriend. His eyes were trained onto a smear on the window, looking but not seeing. It was a worriless state, somewhere between bliss and unconsciousness that Yoongi was bathing in. It was a condition that he kept running back to, similar to how people drank alcohol to forget about their troubles for a short while. The distant expression on his face was all too familiar, one that you hoped you’ll never see again. It took days of begging for you boyfriend to seek help and weeks of rehabilitation for him to learn how to fight the urges to just disappear.

Yet there he was, enjoying that same experience, a vial in his right hand, used syringe resting just a few centimeters away from his face. A thick leather belt was wrapped around the bicep he was leaning on, the buckle undone and moved two holes down.

“Yoongi” you called out, taking cautious steps around the couch, approaching the other from a wider angle. Once you came into his field of vision, Yoongi’s irises moved almost way too fast, catching you like a deer in the headlights. Truly, the moment was creepy, neither of you speaking, just checking each other out like predator and prey. Which one of those two were you?

“Yoongi, hey” whispering once again, you watched his dilated pupils dance, already way bigger than what you were used to seeing. The black seemed to take most of his iris, one of many indicators that it hasn’t been long before Yoongi injected himself. His breaths were calm, way too calm.

Ketamine. Yoongi was back on ketamine and shattered is a huge understatement of what state your heart was currently in. That damned drug nearly took your boyfriend away from you on a silly, seemingly harmless night in a bar a while ago. Or perhaps it would’ve been the alcohol he was so willing to take that night that would’ve taken him away. You hoped that after that unfortunate night, his promise was a strong one; hoped that the upcoming therapy was going to work.

Seemingly, the hours of bliss and escape were more important than you. The hallucinations were frequently bad, very bad, you knew that. Yet, the creatures that walked before and occasionally ran up to him, whispering, often screaming in his ears were a much more pleasurable company. Maybe it was the lack of physical feeling and sense of space and time, the vulnerability of it all, or the clearance of thoughts that he was addicted to. You couldn’t understand, or may haps your mind just didn’t want to accept the fact that Yoongi was dependent on this toxic liquid. Was? Is.

“Good evening” Yoongi spoke up, words coherent, but barely only. You noticed that his point finger had stopped circling around the marble, now resting on the inner elbow of his other arm. His hand seemed to cover something up and you knew very well what it was. Two or so red dots, leaking a bright red mixture of blood and leftover ketamine that didn’t make it inside of his bloodstream. Yoongi wasn’t covering the punctures because he was ashamed, no, the man had no shame in this state, he was doing it purely because of you. Even in this horribly intoxicated condition, your boyfriend was aware that the least he could do was cover himself up. “You came home early”.

“Yeah, yeah I came home early” you replied, taking a seat across from him, eyes becoming glassy the more you looked at the sight before you. There was a silent debate going on inside of your mind, an angel and its devil brother disagreeing about your upcoming actions once again. There were so many yet so little words to say. So much, yet nothing to do. How does someone deal with futile hope?

Silence fell upon the living room, but you could hear it making fun of you. It stuck out its tongue and held the L sign above its head, laughing right at your face. Not at Yoongi, but at you. His head moved, chin lifting up and adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed when your eyes met.

You don’t know what you expected to see in Yoongi’s eyes, but there was hope that it would be something. Guilt, regret, sorry, hell even bliss, just a quick glimpse of a little something. But they were empty. Dark voids with nothing inside of them. It began to hurt much worse now. Your boyfriend’s doping himself up, and for what? Quite literally nothing.

When the first tear rolled down your cheek, there was a sudden sound of glass shattering, and something wet splashing against your feet. Although it wasn’t necessary, a quick glance downwards proved that the broken glass, was indeed the ketamine vial that Yoongi just let go of. The clear liquid was expanding in a shiny puddle on the floor. The vial didn’t steal nearly as much attention as the syringe was, nausea hitting you harder each time you looked at it. You grabbed the dangerous object and threw it on the floor, proceeding to step on hard, listening to the satisfying creaks of it breaking.

It was hard not to cry; tears unwillingly escaped and quiet sobs filled the air as nothing continued to happen. You were uncertain what would hurt more, conversation Yoongi would be half-present in, or this humiliating silence that enrolled. Disappointment was evident in your eyes, a mix of reasons behind it. Surely, this was all a dream, this wasn’t real, but it felt like it was. The pang in your chest was hitting harder and harder, heart barely enduring blows from each side and you thought that it might just break.

“I’m sorry” Yoongi spoke up, but his apology wasn’t sincere. His words were empty, and it made the whole situation that much worse. Composure was tough to maintain and you found yourself cracking soon. Yoongi’s half-lidded eyes, although unintentional, bore holes right into yours, expecting something back from you. Yet, he received nothing. Nothing but a sight of his girlfriend looking back, cheeks stained with tears, eyes puffy and nose red. Fuck, he should do something. Yoongi should’ve sat up, cradled you in his tight hold and sincerely apologized. Yet, he found his muscles to be way too relaxed for such action. It wasn’t intentional to hurt his dearest, but the temptation, the distress was too much. Three months and two days, perhaps it was time for you to find out once again. It was on his mind all the time, and Yoongi cursed ketamine for having psychological instead of physical withdrawal symptoms, for he maybe would’ve fought those easier.

“When were you going to tell me?” You asked, hands coming up to prop yourself on the counter, trying to hide the sweat that excessively dripped from your palms. Yoongi took a deep breath at that question, chest expanding to a size you thought wasn’t possible.

“Never, probably”.

At that, you bit your lower lip, hand turning to look outside the window, eyes tracking nameless faces passing by. Oh, how you wished it were you, far away from this chaos, far away from Yoongi.

“So, I now get front row seats to watch you disappear once again?”

“You had them for quite some time” Yoongi admitted, shameless demeanor once again stepping into the party. It was hard to understand his words, for they have been barely above a whisper and slurred, but they also made no sense. You wondered if your fear had created some sickening alternative universe where Yoongi was still a drug addict, otherwise “quite some time” wouldn’t make sense.

“Have you ever thought about my feelings, Yoongi?” You asked, hand twitching, wishing to reach out and hold his. In this moment, even the slightest amount of comfort seemed appealing.

“And have you ever thought about mine?” Although weak, his voice had a pinch of something in it, it sounded rather brusque, maybe even aggressive. Yoongi wasn’t the type to bite back, so to say that his answer was rather surprising, would be a strong statement. Still, his choice of words shocked you more, where did that come from? What was the cause of Yoongi’s suspicion that you didn’t care about his feelings? For fucks sake you were trying to save the man you loved from death.

“Have you ever thought about me not wanting to move on from this? Maybe it will come back and bite me in the ass in the future, but I’d rather have that than face pain when I don’t have to!” The last part came out in a yell, his way of speaking much clearer and louder. Yoongi was now sitting up, hands placed on both sides of his temple. There was sudden shift of mood, air now heavy with distress and worry, and one would’ve blamed you for sudden outburst from the man, but you knew, you just knew to recognize when it was the drug talking.

It was unknown when and how much Yoongi had injected into his bloodstream, but you thought that it was only now the drug had begun to work. His reactions were mostly predictable, or at least that’s how you remembered them, but there still was a little dose of concern filling your body.

“Just let me escape peacefully, it’s the least you can do”

Now that hit the wrong nail.

“The least I can do? As if I hadn’t paid for your god damn rehabilitation Min Yoongi! As if I hadn’t fucking begged you to stop, were next to you for a whole month to make sure you were mentally stable to move on!” You yelled, hands thrown in the air to emphasize just how much disbelief you were going through right now. It irritated you – his selfish manner, as if ketamine wasn’t harming you too.

“I fucking love you! I love you with my whole heart, every little piece of you, I was willing to deal with this addiction of yours so we could live until we’re eighty years old, have bought our own villa and travelled the world! I had imagined all of those things and motivated myself to pull through the withdrawal, be a constant source of support, it wasn’t easy for me either! I’m watching you die Yoongi! I’m watching this horrible drug taking you piece by piece from me and I can’t do anything! Not when you’re just giving up on fighting back! How fucking selfish can you be Min Yoongi!?”

Just a moment before you stood up and all but ran towards the bathroom, you analyzed the way your boyfriend reacted. It was an unexpected sight, so to say. His mouth was slightly ajar, eyes hooded and pupils dilated, but attentive. If it wasn’t for the light reflecting off his whites, you’d probably miss the thin layer of (supposed) tears. But before Yoongi could say anything, you were gone, bathroom door shut as you slid down them.

That’s when the sobbing finally hit, tears falling down in what seemed like continuous waves. Your shoulders were jumping up and down, all while your legs shook, and it was fortunate that you weren’t standing up, for you would’ve surely collapsed. Weak yelps for help resonated between the thin walls, and even without paying attention, it was obvious that Yoongi would be able to hear them. In any other instance, it would’ve been foreseeable that he’ll come to check up on you, but will he now? His understanding of your ability to deal with problems alone seemed to borrow you enough time to get everything out of your system before facing him again.

Except, it never happened. Suddenly, everything went black and your body relaxed, chin falling to meet your chest, arms open and resting on your sides. It was an instant reaction to something, and you were soon to find out what, as it seemed to wake you up from a state of deep sleep, head once again engulfed in plush and tight material.

The helmet was lifted off your head not much longer after that, eyes accommodating to the change of light, as you were back to the same old dull room, seated on the same creaky wooden chair. Your eyes scanned the man before you, identifying him as the one who explained the whole concept and helped put the helmet on. His face was painted with a fairly expectant expression, probably anticipating comments to spill out of your mouth instantly, much like everyone who has ever been in Panic Room.

But the reaction he received from you wasn’t anything he had experienced before. You stood up, shoving him away as you ran towards the open door, hoping to see someone right outside. The simulation left you feeling anxious, apprehension eating you alive, although it really shouldn’t have. This whole experience was just a simulation, not a reality, but still, it caused endless amounts of concern to flood your system. What you feared didn’t have to be true, and you were trying to list all of these reasons why the simulation could never come true. Desperation seemed to get the best of your thoughts. It was an irrational fear, that should’ve been left at that, but it was a fact that the feeling of unsettlement would be gnawing on your mind until it wasn’t satisfied with proper knowledge and proof.

Indeed, Yoongi was waiting on the outside, fingers wrapped around his black iPhone. Upon hearing steps coming from the direction of the entrance, he lifted his gaze up and smiled at you. This expression was different from the one you saw just a few minutes ago. It was sincere, full of emotion that was easy to read and understand. Oh how you wished that was enough to stop the curiosity from killing the cat.

No words were exchanged though, your unreadable expression woke up confusion in the other and hesitation held him back from commenting. What did you see? He didn’t know. Should he ask? He wasn’t certain.

Yet, the moment your hands grabbed hold of his right arm, alarming amount of fear splashed him like a Hawaiian wave. Pure shock and tension were oh so evident on Yoongi’s face, eyes carefully studying each and every move of your hands. As you lifted the sleeve of his plaid shirt up, his arms began shaking and Yoongi cursed under his breath, only hoping that it wasn’t loud enough for you to hear. Yoongi didn’t know what to do, he wanted to distract you from whatever you were doing, to ask what’s happening, to run away, hide, and it took him some time to decide what his next move will be. There was way too much suspicion going on and it was the least of his wishes to rise more of them.

The bandage around his inner elbow wasn’t wrapped as right as you remember it being this morning – still that would’ve been blamed as consequence of arm movement. Only if Yoongi hadn’t determined to jerk his arm out of your hold, meeting your eyes with the guiltiest expression one could ever have.

“What are you doing?” He asked, eyes wide open. Upon two seconds of quicker closer inspection, you noticed his eyes dancing, unable to stay focused and calm on one spot. His cheeks were also flushed and suddenly there were so many details that turned on even more sirens in your head. Forcing his elbow straight again, you held him tight, fingers reaching up to peel off the adhesive plaster that held the bandage together, just to make the next action that much easier. The whole time you held his gaze, trying to find something in his eyes, something that would stop your actions, tell you that what you were doing was pointless. Still, the bandage was off and carelessly thrown on the ground in record time, eyes finally moving down to Yoongi’s shaking hand, focusing fast on the smooth skin of his inner elbow.

A cry escaped your lips at the sight.

There were two dots, red patches of skin spreading in a circle around them.

“How would you like to rate the experience of the Panic Room simulation?”

Simulation. Real life. Simulation. What was the difference anymore?

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

AN: Happy birthday Yoongi! My first ever bias, that I ult even 3 years later. I wish you all the happiness in this world, health, wealth and for all of your wishes to come true. You’ve achieved so much for these six years that you’ve been on the worldwide scene and I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you for fighting like a real warrior with all the pressure that’s put on your. I’m thankful for all the songs you write, compose, produce, for they have helped me a lot in some of my most crucial moments in life. May this 26th year of your life be the best one yet and each upcoming year even better. Happy birthday my smol angel <3

I had a lot of fun writing this, and although I could’ve written a much lighter theme for Yoongi’s birthday, I decided to publish this concept I had wanted to write for a pretty long time. Hopefully you liked it. I also disappeared for way too long, I’m sorry. I had little to no inspiration for writing, shcool has been making me stressed and it’s pretty much life just giving me a cold shoulder again.Hopefully I’ll have enough time to write again.

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somehelplesssoul-ithink · 5 years

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my 3am thoughts completely spilled out

well, its 2am and my boyfriend is sound asleep beside me. Isnt that exactly what us girls want? someone who treats you well and loves you literally sleeping like an angel right beside you?...-yes right? then why arnt i happy. ive been doing my own thing on my laptop for hours just trying to stay away because everything is frustrating me right now. hes a grown man but i dont feel like im dating one still. i love him with all my heart and hes so incredibly special to me but.. man i havent been myself at all recently. its like i can feel my body going through changes, my emotions changing, my reactions are different and i dont know why. i should be happy with no doubt in the world hes the one ... but i dont know how many more chances i should give him before i lose myself. or did that already happen?

im starting to worry about all the negative things ive heard, although we all have our haters right? but its soo weird, ive been having these visions into the future and all i see is myself looking deep into his eyes and holding back tears asking him how could he do this? but i dont get any farther then that and i dont know what this is really about but i have a very, very strong feeling im gonna get hurt. bad. he has my heart in his hands right now, but how do i trust someone i barely know? he has done absolutely nothing wrong but be himself and man, do i admire that and fall deeper everyday. looking at him get ready in the morning is breath taking and i definitely didnt have this feeling with my ex and i REALLY thought he was the one. so maybe this one is really something special

my mom always told me, and still does to this day that im going to go through 100,000 heart breaks before i truly found the one. Now at first i was very skeptical because my first boyfriend bradley was truly remarkable and i thought i was going to marry him, unfortunately i left him for personal reasons. then brandon came along... and he was very life changing. i spent years with him and felt things i never have before he was so different from my last relationship i thought i should try and hold onto this one forever, and yes i mean forever. well that recently changed and now im with my current one. so is it even worth it trying this young? because we clearly want different things right now. i just turned legal, i wanna party and be care free and he is 5 years older then me, totally finished his party stage and who is struggling to survive, he cant take care of himself and ive realized that fast. but im here now literally changing my life for someone elses sake.

that was my doubting coming out, it happens. but should it? i dont know anymore i love my boyfriend so much. it hurts not seeing him. yet, when im with him i get so upset. im so confused and frustrated i really need answers, although i already know what im gonna do. no matter what i have to stay with him and help him walk alittle longer, he deserves a fair chance.. we all do and i wanna be the one to take care of him in his hardest times. but theres only so long i can do it for too. i always took care of myself and did whats best for me but its different now, i dont do that much anymore. i do whats best for US and i want this relationship to succeed more then i want anything else in this entire world. im not kidding when i say hes special, im honestly shocked even now, thinking how in the world did i score this one. i forgot to mention HES BEAUTIFUL .. like the most sexiest sweetest men ive ever met. hes incredible... our bond and connection is whats really remarkable though, we are so alike maybe thats why he frustrates me so often.

i love him so much its hard to control myself sometimes. i just dont feel like i can talk to him about anything because i feel he plays the victim a lot. its always about his depression and how he feels but i dont think he has a single thought in his mind maybe im depressed too? i used to self harm in many ways and i still kind of do them to this day. i starting to be bulimic and he was alittle concerned when i told him but the next day, its like he totally forgot. he came to visit me at work, we ate sushi and immediately after i said “i felt sick” and what did i do? go to the bathroom to puke up my food. he still thinks nothing of it. unfortunately after that ive been craving anything that will alter my mind, well to prevent nights like this. alcohol, coke, molly, anything it is i will take it ... now that im writing this out im starting to understand the war im having with myself. maybe ill let him read this and he will understand what goes through my mind, or maybe ill delete the next day. whatever i do, i needed this and im gonna wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective.

its now 3am and im feeling a little better but still confused. when i look over to my left, hes still sleeping there so quiet and peaceful and i still think nothing of it. i still want to listen to my music and spill my fucking heart out because i have lots more to say. but i find it really hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes thats a big reason why i listen to music so much.. it really speaks for me and takes so much off my mind. kind of like a high from music, almost the same high id get taking drugs to release myself. music is just another way of me doing that. but whats really awesome is he has a big interest for music too, and thats just another thing i love about him. we can sit for hours and just show each other music, now thats really special to me.

theres so many songs i found tonight that are really helping me connect with myself and the emotions im feelings right now. its almost like god wanted me to stay awake so i can learn about myself, find some cool songs and spill my heart and soul out so i can sit back and look at what the fuck im doing. thats the part im at right now, occasionally scrolling up and reading whatever the hell im writing. none of this is perfect and theres multiple errors but, my fingers are just typing whatever my mind is telling it to.. and i havent been able to write like this for a long time. so im taking for granted any time i have right now to just.. write

as the night goes on i can finally start to feel my eyelids slowly shutting and my brain is wanting to turn off, but im still so hurt i dont know whats going on with me, althought i do get bad sometimes. i guess this is what you call me getting bad is :/ im trying to restrain myself from grabbing the bottle because i almost bkacked out last night. but writing is so therapeutic i dont ever want to stop. and plus, why am i doing this while with my boyfriend? shouldnt i be cherrishing every little moment we have? or is that just the first stage of any relationship? who fucking knows. who knows anything anymore? because i dont. i dont know whats with relationships but majority dont end well, so why as us humans constantly create and live in relationships? oh this is know, because we crave attention and love. thats something i really need to be careful with not growing up with a father, being in dyer need of attention and protection. i used to give everyone who looks at me a chance. but that kept leaving me broken and pieces of my heart and soul were shattered between my feet. even my relationships were destroyed by my decisions. thats why im asking should i even bother anymore? am i the common demoninator in all my past failed lovers.. who knows?

but i think my time here is almost done. the more i watch him the more i wish i was sleeping beside him. but i know what to do now, because i truly am in love, i need not to let myself go, not be controlled and just be Meghan. because so far, im really liking the woman ive become so far which means i must of done something right

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graysonfirewolf85-blog · 5 years

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Magickal Self Defense

Many people involved in Pagan and Wiccan spirituality find themselves, at some point, worrying about magical attack. Questions often asked are:

What if someone casts a spell on me?

How will I know?

What do I do?

How do I protect myself so that it doesn’t happen in the first place?

Well, first of all, relax. Chances are really good that you're not going to be the victim of a magical attack at all.

Here's why: it takes a certain amount of skill and effort to magically attack someone with a curse or hex, and honestly, many people aren't interested in putting forth that much work, and of those, many do not have the skill level required for a magical strike. In other words, not everyone who talks the talk can walk the walk. That having been said, if someone is willing to put forth the effort and they have the ability to craft an effective spell, it's possible you could be the victim of a deliberate, concentrated attack.

Be aware, also, that in most cases, someone who tells you they've hexed, cursed, or otherwise put a spell on you is the one least likely to be able to do so.

How Do I Know?

What is a magical attack? It's a curse or a hex that's designed to make things go badly for you. If there are other circumstances in place, it's probably not a magical attack. Maybe you're just having a run of bad luck. Sometimes, it's just a matter of changing your lifestyle or looking at mundane causes. So how do you tell if you're under a magical attack? Ask yourself these questions:

Is there someone in your life that you have angered or offended in some way?

Is that person someone who has the magical knowledge to place a harmful spell on you?

Is a hex or curse the only possible explanation for what is happening to you?

If the answer to all three is "yes", then it's possible you've been cursed or hexed. If that's the case, then you need to take protective measures.

Many people also choose to use divination as a way of determining whether they're the victim of a hex or a curse, but if you do this, bear in mind that your own fears and worries may effect the outcome. It's better to have the divination done by an objective party who isn't aware of your concerns. Ask a trusted friend to do the divination, and see if they come to the same conclusions that you have.

Protection

If you feel you've genuinely been the victim of a magical attack, the first thing to do is protect yourself from further mischief. Once you've done that, you need to get started on removal of the curse or hex. There are several methods of doing this. Some examples that may be used successfully include:

Create a "magic mirror" spell which bounces the hex or curse back to its sender

Create a doll or poppet to take the damage in your place

Perform a working that will remove negative influences from your life

Use meditation, Reiki, chakra healing, or other energy work to lift the spell

For general protection, most people use a simple shielding method. This is a psychic shell that one draws around themselves. You can do this either by casting a circle of protection and recharging it periodically, or you can charge an amulet or talisman with protective properties. This will be an effective way of protecting you in the majority of magical attacks.

Property and vehicles can be protected as well. You can place a magical barrier or ward around your yard, keep a protective amulet or talisman in your car, or even set up a shield around your desk at work.

Correspondence

Magical Herbs

Acacia: protects against psychic attack

Agrimony: useful for returning harmful energy to its original source

Basil: warns off negative magic

Black thorn: reverses a spell

Cayenne: returns negative energy to its source

Coffee: neutralizes harmful magic

Dragon's Blood resin: protection

Hyssop: purification and defensive magic

Mugwort: protects against astral attack, or psychic attack in dreams

Patchouli: returns harmful magic

Solomon's Seal: protects against negative energy

St. John's Wort: purifies and protects against psychic attack

Vetivert: use to break a hex or curse

Wormwood: use in uncrossing rituals, to remove hexes or curses upon you

Yarrow: psychic protection

Yucca: prevents attack via sympathetic magic

Crystals and Gemstones

Amber: protects against psychic attack

Amethyst: protects from negative energy

Black onyx: protects against harmful magic

Fire agate: for protection of the aura

Hematite: use for protection of home and property, as well as to fend off psychic attack

Malachite: repels hostile magical attacks

Obsidian: provides protective energies

Quartz: use to protect yourself from hexes or curses

Ruby: use to defend against magical attacks related to emotions

Selenite: for shielding against negative outside influences

Source 1

#magick #self defense #herbs #crystals #curses and hexes #protection

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elly-bird · 6 years

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Dear loyal and foolish followers,

It’s been a while since I did a really deeply personal post, and I used to do them all the time. Granted, back then, they were mostly venting, or trying to somehow work out my feelings on really deep and painful things. Whether or not you realize this, dear tumblr audience - friends and strangers alike - you actually helped me a great deal learn about who I am and what I’m doing.

So let’s do a recap. Once more for the sake of closure, for anyone who still cares, or anyone who did care back then, when I needed it most.

It’s taken me literally all my life to shake off the urge to turn inward. I’m (almost) twenty four years old and still have trouble even vocalizing the idea that I’ve had a bad day, let alone that I’m suffering from a disability, or struggling to consider myself as a real person. Yes, my dysfunction was so bad at a point (not especially far back, even) that I literally could not convince myself I was real. I spent so many days floating place to place, just conducting the bare minimum to survive and not be noticed as some parasitic little ghostial entity.

So it was that I fell into not just hateful, twisted spirals that consumed my entire being, but friendships and relationships that did me equally as many unhealthy favors. This is when I was the most vocal, because I realized how dire and awful things were getting. It was speak now, or forever hold my silence, and at that point forever didn’t seem like it was going to last very long.

Coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been conducting self-harm and sabotage all my life - not necessarily physically, but mentally, and spiritually - was one of the biggest hurdles to leap over. You can’t possibly treat yourself correctly when you’re utterly convinced the world hates you and would be better off without you, even if you’re not willing to nail the coffin yourself.

I never let myself have respect, or love, or care, or even basic decency. It was always thrown with weighted chains, ones I applied myself and used to justify my shitty mindset. I validated my attitude by saying the world was a spiteful place, and I was its target. I got angry a lot, because anger was easier to feel than any other emotion, and I genuinely think that was my first attempt at pulling myself out of a very dark pit of depression.

I started to try and identify all these flaws and issues, but I could only see them in other people, not myself. I started a blog, one where I offered positivity and support to every single person who so much as touched it. I put all my time and energy into offering other people consolations for their sorrows, and trying my best to find them help, and support, in what I viewed as a meaningless, dead void of a world. This actually became kind of popular; six thousand followers kind of popular. It wasn’t long before I was putting almost every waking hour of my life into trying to guide people towards the light in life that I’d clearly shut the curtains on.

And then came my biggest shame; I couldn’t do it anymore.

I deleted it. I packed up. I went home. I isolated.

It’s a funny feeling, realizing that you’re no longer strong enough to help anyone. I was hardly equipped to in the first place, but having to get rid of that last little thing I could hold onto - that self-imposed job that I pointed at so often to say “look, look, things are good, I swear!” - honestly almost killed me. The pain I felt made me realize I needed help.

And I’d like to say I got it, but... I didn’t. Something I’d so seriously recommended to everyone around me seemed entirely out of reach for myself.

You may have noticed I dipped my toes back into the positivity, though, even on this lonely little blog where only my close friends and some very lovable but potentially naive strangers visit. That’s sort of where this all went.

Realizations that I’d been making progress came incredibly slow. I tried my best to invert my views. I wasn’t “wasting so much time I lost my childhood,” I was surviving and getting past the worst years of my life. I wasn’t “worthless,” I just hadn’t even started to try. Certainly, finding my own little self-diagnosises helped put a center to my storm, but I was still struggling.

Sparing you the details on my situation, I did the math and realized it would be quite a few more years before I was in any situation to get help, or live independently, or so forth.

And it was nihilism that hit me the hardest. What the fuck? How could it possibly be fair that I’d be rapidly approaching my 30s before I ever even saw a doctor? What the hell is wrong with me that I’d rather live a stagnant, stale existence than even try to live?!

Thus I bring you very close to the present.

Where I decided I wasn’t going to accept that.

I got angry again, but this time it was at these unspoken rules, and restrictions that I’d lived under all my life - some imposed by my own shitty brain and some by the culture and pressures surrounding me. I stopped giving a god damn shit what would be okay, what would be acceptable, what would be the least offensive and quietest way to live my life.

I dyed my fucking hair. I wore bright colours. I flirted with boys. I fought, very literally, for my trans and non-binary friends. I got loud, and proud, and anyone who didn’t accept the kind of love and understanding I wanted to spread got called a god damn idiot, because you know what, you are a god damn idiot if you think living, breathing, thinking, feeling humans whose only urge is to live in harmony with one another aren’t worth care.

And I started making more decisions.

Decisions like the one to welcome friends I’d constantly left on the outside into my reality. Decisions like accepting that it was okay to openly identify as something that would be disagreeable in my town/state/family. Decisions to accept the love, and care, and wholesome understanding that came with meeting someone whose world rhymed with mine.

Decisions to fight back. Against the cruel side of my brain, and against the cruel side of the world.

Because it wasn’t a matter of never having a family that would accept me. In actuality, I had a family that was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for me the whole time. I’d stood so separate, and so far apart for them all my life out of fear for my own treatment that I’d forgotten that we’re all blessed with the very real, and very honest opportunity to make the world just a little, tiny bit better for everyone.

I lost track of who I was because I was so concerned with standing up on my own two feet, I never realized that so many beautiful people were all around me waiting to help me up if only I just accepted that.

I know now what I wish I’d known then; that in order to experience love and understanding, you have to open yourself to it. Sometimes it’s easy, like leaving the door unlocked, but other times you’ve got to rip through scar tissue in an agonizing fashion.

Because most important of all these things, of all this journey, of all this ramble that I cannot truly tell whether or not is helpful or interesting to anyone-

I’m in love. Not solely, not simply; but the fact I can put myself in that state means my world must be improving.

We all have the power to make this place kind and beautiful.

Dear loyal and foolish followers,

friends and strangers alike;

I’m doing okay.

#personal

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prophecyread · 5 years

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@anonymous sent in a meta thing for me to answer!

A question for the mun about writing Amos: you've mentioned before that he doesn't feel fear. How has this affected your writing of him? Does it differ from muses you've written before? What sort of scenario do you think it might take for him to feel afraid, now?

Listen I know you sent this a month ago but honestly I’ve been mulling it over and pondering the questions here off and on through all this time because wow there’s so many aspects of this I wanted to figure out how to explain. Thank you so much for these, they have been really fun for me to think on and sort out!! So let’s get to it.

I’ve written a lot of muses over my many years and honestly even those that weren’t human were still capable of fear in some regards, even if not in a traditional sense, be it they were alien or they were damaged, or had something that would be described as sociopathic or psychopathic mindsets, or were like androids that shouldn’t be capable of fear but there was always some degree of it. Whether it was the fear derived from self preservation or the urge to protect others or the desire to avoid pain or capture or conflict - there was always some underlying emotion / need / impulse that created the same overall affect as experiencing fear. Amos simply doesn’t have it. In the books (book I guess as I’m only about 1/2 way through the first one) there are moments were he gets angry or he gets a tingle or a moment of wtf but when it comes to feeling fear about his situation, his health, his surviving, even those he cares about in the show who -- he would fight and kill and die for -- it’s still without ever feeling that cold trickle of fear.

It is a challenge, as a writer, to portray that. When a character is in a life and death situation, when shit’s gone horribly wrong (which it does often for Amos in the canon storyline & in aus) your first instinct is to imply dread or fear, nervousness, anxiety, and I have to backtrack sometimes and rewrite and rethink the scene. It has its advantages for him - he is capable of seeing the situation with a mostly clear head, he might feel anger, which does override common sense sometimes, but he is able to analyze what’s happening and see the different sides of any given situation (which I really like that they did portray that in the show if you pay attention you see it). But it can also be difficult to walk that line between him not feeling fear and portraying him in a way that makes him seem uncaring / unfeeling. He has been labeled a sociopath by a lot of the fandom even though the author has flat out said that’s not the case and while I can see how some people might draw that conclusion, I also have to wonder if they’re watching the same show as me. He feels concern, he makes connections, he is capable of empathy - it’s either instant, or it takes a long, long time to build because of his long history of abuse and trauma. I’m not, ever, going to say he’s normal. He isn’t. But I’m digressing. Yeah. So finding the balance between writing him without fear and making sure it still shows that he does care can be difficult. I also don’t want to give him too much of an appearance of ‘good’ because while he is at some core element, he’s also extremely broken and damaged and he is dangerous and he is violent and he is capable of manipulation.

He is almost always willing to put himself in harm’s way if it means protecting the ship, increasing chances of survival for other people, especially children, families, good people, his crew, the ship. It’s partly out of that nugget of goodness. And it’s partly out of just not feeling that fear of death. Yeah. When he dies, it’ll suck. He doesn’t want to die but he also knows it’s inevitable and that’s a fact he’s lived with the majority of his long and tumultuous life. There’s a video HERE that shows a very important scene where he’s telling someone that yeah, you’re going to die. I’m probably going to kill you. It happens. People like you and me, we die. And if we don’t, great. If we do, that’s just how it is. We’re all caught up in the churn. (This term has a very specific meaning for Amos, which you can read about in his novella aptly labeled “The Churn” which is about his late adolescent years in Baltimore and how he became Amos - but as a whole it also means, for him, just - the churn. The world. The verse. Fate.) He considers himself just a piece on the board. The only important thing for him is that whatever decisions he makes, he makes. (Barring certain moral decisions but that’s a whole different meta.) He knows he isn’t the master of his FATE but he is the master of his own life and, when it comes to it, death, and how that plays out.

As for what might eventually make him capable of feeling fear again: I’ve spent some time developing an au plot / story line with @notthescarsyoucansee with Carla’s Prax & Mei where they rejoin Amos and the others on the Roci after the rings open and how being part of a real family unit, with a significant other and a child to look after and care for and after a few months of this, him being with Prax & Mei on a space station like Tycho or Ceres, and Amos looks away for a few seconds and looks back and Mei’s just gone. Like any normal kid, curious about something and skips off to see it, and it just brings all of those memories of what happened to her with Strickland, what happened to him as a kid, the kind of stuff he saw happen to kids around him and there’s just this sudden trickle of ice down his spine and when they find her he gets yelly and angry with her which he is horrified about and is just like why the fuck did I do that, what kind of monster am I, and Prax is just like it’s okay -- parents gets scared and they say dumb things. And then Amos is just like scared?! And I was like waffling about it because -- I didn’t want it to be some sort of oh, true love ‘fixed’ him but it wasn’t that, and it wouldn’t be that, it would just be that gradual influx of responsibility and care and concern for someone that went beyond just ‘I have to try and keep them alive’ combined with the actual legitimate concern of ‘what happens to her if I die’ and having so much to gain and lose at the same time. It would be something like that - and there’s a plot I have with @shallowsurvived and a couple others to plot with still that were interested in some kind of reunification / long lost child plot that could lead to similar things. And I’m not saying that a child is the only way that it might lead to that level of growth and commitment that starts to slowly, slowly, patch together old wounds but. It would really require a level of attachment and care and something to lose that he doesn’t necessarily feel solely with a grownup in the relationship. They’re grown. They’ve experienced their life. They make their own choices. They know the risks of their own decisions. It’s not so much riding on him to help shape / protect etc.

I hope .... any of this made sense and if anything needs clarified, for anyone, please let me know!!!! I really did enjoy mulling this over and trying to figure out how to word things. I hope it works!

#META.#META. ( amos burton. )#ANSWERED.#ANSWERED. ( penny. )#DO NOT REBL.O.G.

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