#its just because i have meds that i have to take on an empty stomach and i always forget to take them until late in the morning so i can't

[finnsbubblegum]

Getting Sick Means Spending More Time With You (Joel Miller X Reader)

Pairing: no-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, sweet joel, domestic joel, rom-com

Summary (Series): reader as Joel’s neighbor. Joel’s wife left him so Joel asked his neighbor for help in babysitting Sarah. 

Summary: Pov: Joel taking care of you when you’re sick.

Words count: 1.4k

A/N: I’m trying to make this as a rom-com, hope you like my new series! This is part 12 of Where It All Starts. But it can also be read as a standalone. I'm so grateful for all of you! Thank you for your comments, reblogs, and likes ❤️ There are still more chapters for this series so stay tuned! Love you!

I know it's not Joel GIF but I hope this can help you imagine

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20

*blowing nose*

You groaned as you wiped your nose from snots. Joel put his hand on your forehead to check your temperature. Then he took a thermometer and checked you. 

“Fever.” Joel cleaned the thermometer and put it back to its place.

“Cold.” You blew your nose again. 

Your voice was hoarse because of the sore throat. You were so fatigued and didn’t have any energy to move. 

“I think I should call Flo to babysit Sarah and I’ll stay at my house until I get better. Don’t want to get you and Sarah sick.” You tried to get up as you coughed.

“No, no. Lay down. I’ll take a day off.” Joel stopped you from getting up.

“I don’t want to get you sick, Joel.” You insisted.

“Baby, please. Just let me take care of you.” He stroked your head.

“Just get some rest. I’ll be back.” Joel kissed your forehead and let you rest.

Joel tucked you in before he left the bedroom. You skipped breakfast because you didn’t have the appetite. Instead, you tried to sleep hoping to get better quickly. Joel didn’t bother you at all. He tried his best not to make any noise doing chores and took care of his daughter. 

“Baby..” Joel shook you gently.

“Huh?” You opened your eyes slowly and raised your head.

“It’s lunch time.” He brought you a bowl of chicken soup he made.

“I don’t feel like eating.” You groaned.

“But you need to eat to get better.” He put the tray on the night table.

“I’m feeling nauseous.” You insisted.

“Come on, just one spoon.” Joel took a spoon of the soup and brought it near your mouth.

You sighed and opened your mouth. You knew he was right. You need to eat to get better no matter how you were feeling. 

“That’s it. One more.” He tried adding another spoon. 

You opened your mouth again ignoring the nausea. Joel kept feeding you until the bowl was empty. He was proud of you for emptying the bowl. He was sad seeing you sick but he was also happy that you ate. In his mind, he was trying his best to take care of you because you had been taking care of him and he felt he hadn’t taken care of you enough. 

“Okay, drink this.” He gave you the meds and a glass of water.

You gulped them all in once and sighed. 

“Get back to sleep.” Joel placed a kiss on your temple and went out with the tray.

“Thank you, honey.” You snorted and smiled at him.

You laid back and got back to sleep. You didn't know how long you had closed your eyes, and suddenly you felt the urge to vomit. You got up and ran to the bathroom. You opened the toilet lid and threw everything in your stomach. You groaned as you wiped your mouth with your hands. Joel suddenly went inside the bedroom to check on you but you weren't on the bed. He immediately checked the bathroom and found you sitting on the floor. 

"You okay there?" He crouched beside you and massaged the back of your neck.

"I'm sorry." You wiped your tears from your cheek.

"Hey, it's okay. I'll clean up later." He rubbed your back.

"I threw everything up. You made the chicken soup for me and I threw it up. Ugh." You felt guilty.

"Don't worry, baby. Just focus on getting better. I can always make you another one." He kissed your temple. 

You smiled before you felt your stomach turn again. 

*gagging*

"Just let it all out, baby." Joel massaged the back of your neck again to help you feel better.

*you vomited*

"I think that's everything." You flushed the toilet.

Joel held your upper arm to support your weight while you took a glass of water and gargled to clean your mouth.

"You need anythin'?" Joel helped you lay on your back on the bed and tucked you.

You shook your head. 

"Okay, tell me if you're hungry. I'll get you some food." Joel stroked your head.

You nodded and Joel walked away to the door. Then you remembered what you needed now.

"I know what I need." You suddenly spoke.

"What is it?" Joel turned his heel right away and walked to you.

"You." You chuckled softly.

"Me?" Joel raised his eyebrows and pointed at himself.

"Uh-huh. I'm cold. I need you to warm me."

"I thought you told me to stay away so I don't get sick." Joel sat beside you on the edge of the bed.

"But you're my human heater." You pouted as you suddenly got so clingy.

"I know. I know. I'm just jokin'. I'll put Sarah to bed and be back soon. Okay?" Joel kissed your forehead and left for a moment.

After he put Sarah to bed and finished all the chores, he went back to the bedroom and laid beside you. You were awakened by his weight on the bed. 

"Mmhmm." You snuggled closer to him and opened your arms.

"Come here, darlin'." Joel put his arms around you and warmed you. 

"So comfy and warm." You buried your head to his chest. 

Joel chuckled and kissed your head. 

"Can we cuddle all night?" You mumbled in his chest.

"Of course, darlin'. We can cuddle as long as you want." He fixed the blanket so the two of you were covered enough.

You slept so well with Joel's presence and warmth. You even had a dream of getting married to him and Sarah calling you mom. You smiled in your sleep.

The sun shone and the light woke you up. You sighed and moved your arm around looking for him. Joel wasn't there. He must have woken up early. You rubbed your eyes and yawned. Your headache was lighter but you still had a runny nose. You took a tissue on the night table and blew your nose. The door opened as you wiped your nose clean.

"Morning sweetie, where's your dad?" Sarah walked towards you. 

"Daddy this." Sarah said two simple words as she gave you a small blue velvet box.

"What is this, sweetie? You got me a present?" You caressed her head.

You turned the box upside down before you opened it wondering what that is. Then you realized that it was a ring box. Were you dreaming? Was this a dream in a dream? You had a dream of getting married to Joel Miller but you definitely had woken up. You pinched your cheek to wake yourself up and you were still in the same place. So you decided to open the box. You gasped as you saw a beautiful engagement ring inside. You started to tear up.

Joel leaned on the doorframe all the time when your focus was on the ring box. You raised your head and looked at him. 

"Joel.." Your tears fell to your cheeks.

"What do you say, baby? You, me, Sarah, together? As a family?" He walked closer to you.

"Will you let me take care of you forever?" He wiped your tears.

You were out of words. Your tongue was tied. You could just cry in happiness and nod. It had been around two years since you moved in and Joel finally put a ring on your finger.

"Will you marry me and take my last name?" Joel took your hand. 

"Yes! Yes!" You nodded and he put the ring on your finger. 

Sarah laughed as she saw the two of you.

"No!" You stopped him as he leaned in to kiss you.

"What? You're having second thoughts in seconds? You're saying no?" You could see his heart broke instantly hearing you said no to him.

You threw your head back and laughed. 

"No, I mean, yes, yes I will marry you. But no kissing. I'm still sick. You'll get a cold from me." You giggled.

"Thank God. You scared me for a second." Joel sighed in relief.

"I don't care, baby. If getting sick means spending more time with you like this. Then let me get sick." He chuckled and sneaked a kiss. 

You gasped as he kissed you.

"Joel!" You pushed him.

"You're gonna be responsible if I get sick." He smirked.

"I hate you!" You hit his chest.

"You know I had a dream of getting married to you last night. I guess I can see the future." You told him about your dream last night.

"You're a psychic." He cupped your cheeks.

"We're getting married kiddo! She's gonna be your mom soon!" Joel took his daughter to his arms and bounced her. 

To be continued…

Taglist:

@lovelyygirl8 @skysmiller @moonlightdivine @crocodiile @angie2274 @pulchritudinousrogers @peqchsoup @msecho19 @happinessinthebeing @nyotamalfoy @nakedmoondiaries @dzaga890 @pa1g3-t0mm0 @prettysbliss @wanniiieeee @one-sweet-gubler @x-ap0llo-x @feministfanboi @ordinarylokix @afterglowsb-tch13 @padgraysonssram8re @tomorrowseverything @hummusxx @iranispunk @mrsyixingunicorn10 @likeanimagepassingby2 @mediocrewallflow3r @pedr0swh0r3 @mxtokko @dorck26 @cascactus28 @cheyxfu @stupidthoughtsinwriting @undermoonlightwalk @bigmoodyjoody @humanbug @sarahhxx03 @krisviciousx @quixscentsposts @dgct2 @dgraysonss @heybabyshae @fluffyspaceprincess @toottmblr @avengersfan25 @xixxala @dianaffddz @onzayhe @violetwitchmcu @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @kelh27

[bellysoupset]

Sick Max + Caretaker Vince - Part 2

-----------------------------

Wendy was a Tylenol and a cup of chamomile tea into sleep when her phone started ringing, from across the room.

It was the age old technique of leaving her phone out of reach so she'd be forced to get up to turn off the alarm and not risk falling back asleep in the process. Normally she was such a heavy sleeper than even this didn't stop her from sleeping past at least two alarms.

So it was much to her annoyance when she pushed her sleeping mask off and it wasn't 8 AM as it should be, but instead dark out. For a second Wendy considered not getting up, however the ringing was insistent and she was too curious to just go back to sleep.

P.Magnt - flashed across the screen, over a picture of Vince all sweaty, cheeks ablaze and curls a mess, in his football uniform. Wendy's heart plummeted to her stomach.

"Vin? What's wrong? It's the middle of the night-"

"Hey, hey, hey-" His voice was steady and soothing and Wendy let out a sigh, settling back against the pillows, still upright, but not as straight, "easy, honey. I'm fine."

"Uhm," she yawned, "the why are you calling me at-" Wendy squinted at her too bright screen, "two forty five AM?"

"I'm really sorry to wake you up, Wen," Vince sounded tired, but not sleepy in the least, "I just need your expertise for a minute, because Google is telling me fuck-all."

"...What is it?" Wendy yawned, sliding down on the bed and pulling sleeping mask down once more.

She heard shuffling around, then Vince cursing and faintly, far in the background, the noise of someone coughing, "when should I be worried about dehydration if someone is throwing up non stop...?"

"God," she groaned, "please don't say you're sick, Vin-"

"No! No, not me, I'm fine," he hurried to soothe her, "Daniels, my coworker."

"Oh, I know who Daniels is," Wendy couldn't help but tease him, "how long he's been sick for?"

"I don't know, uhm- Since around ten... I think ten, yeah."

She tried to do the count, landed in a vague four hours and left it at that, "he's got diarrhea as well?"

"Nope, don't think so. Not on my watch, at least."

Wendy smiled, wrinkling her nose. In another life, he should've been a health professional, "he's dizzy? Lost consciousness?"

"Dizzy, yeah, but very conscious. Pain in my ass," Vince's voice got louder, clearly meaning for the other guy to hear it. In the background, Wendy heard a door opening and a loud groan, "we got a medic at the resort, but he doesn't want me to take him there."

"It's embarrassing," Wendy heard Max say, voice all husky, "humiliating."

"So is dying during the kid's field trip," Vince pointed out, but Wendy interrupted before he decided to elaborate in the bickering.

"Vin, I think he's out of trouble. Give him an hour before trying liquids again, then try ice chips every other 15 minutes, and only after you empty two cups he's allowed to have sips of water. Just sips!"

"Yes, ma'am," Vince answered cheekily, voice thickening up with a yawn, "alright, so I don't have to worry he's dying? It's been non-stop."

"Not unless he starts losing consciousness or you notice a very dry mouth, if he still has liquid to bring up its generally a good sign," Wendy turned on her side, snuggling up her phone, "take him-" she yawned, "take him to the med bay if the puking doesn't taper off in 4 hours."

"Alright," Vince let out a sigh, "thank you, honey. And I'm sorry for waking you up-"

"No," Wendy smiled, "it was nice hearing your voice, I was sad you didn't call before bed. Now I know why."

"Yeah, sorry, it's been a mess," Vince sounded wounded, "I'll call you tomorrow, I promise."

"You better," Wendy yawned once more, "I'm going back to sleep, text me in the morning about your patient, nurse Monacelli. Love you."

"Love you too and thank you again," she heard a noise like Vince sending her a kiss and Wendy grinned to herself, letting her phone fall between her pillows, not bothering to hang up.

-----------

Max was curled up on his side, shivering non stop and Vince didn't like it one bit. The puking he could handle, the fever...

"Hey, let's try the ice chips," Vince crouched down, sitting on the side of his coworker's bed and the blonde simply curled up more at the jostling of the bed.

"Won't stay down," he croaked, causing Vin to roll his eyes.

"Nothing to stay down," he pointed out how small the ice chips were, holding a spoonful up to Max' cracked lips, "c'mon, man, otherwise I'll have no choice but take you to the med bay here."

"Noo-URGHP-" his whine morphed into a burp and Max scrambled to sit up, but he was long empty and didn't bring anything up despite the heaving. He let out a groan, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead, "my head is killing me."

"Because you need to drink something," Vince pushed the spoon closer to the other man's mouth and he fully expected Max to slap his hand away, but instead the blonde opened his mouth obediently and took the ice.

His grimace melted away at the sensation of the cold melting ice and he took in another spoonful, letting out a unsatisfied noise when Vince put the paper cup away.

"Sorry, we'll try in fifteen minutes," Vince winced in sympathy and Max nodded, falling back against the pillows and curling up, wrapping both arms around his stomach.

It was unnerving to see the guy so down for the count, it made Vince want to shake him like a rattle toy. Instead, he fixed the room, washing the trashbin in the bathroom and setting it back down next to Max's head, covering the guy with a thin blanket and finally falling into bed.

It was around 5 AM when Vince woke up with stirring. He was an incredibly light sleeper, so this wasn't surprising. For a minute he just lied there, trying to figure out what was happening, only to hear a choked up sob and the noise of liquid hitting plastic.

"Aw, man," Vince yawned, stumbling out of his bed and crossing the dark room, "there's no way you got anything to bring up..."

Max hiccupped, then let out a pitiful moan, "kill me, Vince."

"In Canada? I'll get in too much trouble for it to be worth it," Vince teased, planting a hand on the man's trembling back. Sleepy as he was, he couldn't hold back from how touchy he was.

Max let out a little shaky chuckle, moving on the bed in order to muffle a sick burp against the pillow, "my eyes hurt..." he mumbled, sounding more than a little drowsy.

"Hold on," Vince yawned, walking to the bathroom. He grabbed the little hand towel, then folded it in half and ran it under the water tap, before returning to the room. It wasn't as dark anymore, the sun just starting to appear in the cloudy horizon, bathing the room in dark grey color.

He crouched next to bed, wrinkling nose as he got a clearer view of the bin, with only some cloudy water sitting inside of it, "c'mere-" Vince instructed softly, grabbing the blonde's bicep and forcing him to uncurl, so he facing up instead of having his face buried in the pillow, then he planted the humid washcloth over the man's forehead and eyes.

The effect was immediate, Max's whole body melted against the mattress, tension leaving him, "whoa... Thanks..."

"No problem," Vince shrugged, grabbing the bin, "try to sleep."

Daniels nodded and Vince went back to the bathroom to clean out the bin. Once he was back, Max was snoring softly, seemingly not in pain, his face slack.

Vince yawned in his fist, stumbling back to bed and rolling on his side, hoping to get a couple more hours to sleep before their alarm went off at 8 AM.

As soon as he was up once again, he was checking on his co-worker-rival-friend. Max was curled up, the washcloth had fallen from his forehead, but the head had diminished considerably, to the point Vince let out a relieved sigh.

The blonde stirred slightly with the touch, frowning and opening his eyes, "what...?"

"Nothing," Vince shook his head, "just checking your fever, go back to sleep."

"Uhm-" his eyes slipped close once more, but he frowned, "what time is it? Do I have to get up? The stude-"

"I got them," Vince ruffled Max's hair without thinking, then pulled back his hand, cringing to himself. Thankfully Daniels was too out of it to think about the gesture.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, get some rest." Vince stepped away from the bed, but not before he heard Max's little:

"Thank you, Vin..."

[etherealspacejelly]

Medication Diary: Day 2

i forgot that vitamin c counteracts adhd meds. maybe thats the reason why im not seeing much of an effect. might have to switch what cereals i eat

i think im thirstier than usual. one of the side effects is a dry mouth so that makes sense. also i didnt sleep well last night but that might just be because i had a bad day yesterday, we will see what happens tonight.

im gonna try taking my meds 1 hour after i eat breakfast tomorrow and see if that makes a difference. its so annoying that you cant take them on an empty stomach because it would be great if i could just wake up and take them straight away. i am a serial get-out-of-bed procrastinator.

so my plan is: get up earlier tomorrow and have breakfast, take meds one hour later, look into breakfast options that do not contain vitamin c or citric acid. hopefully that makes a difference!

[clavissionary-position]

Clavis x Emma The Rose From Bed to Bouquet

tags: fluff, slight angst, some suggestive content

Clavis

I'd let Emma take me anywhere. I tell Cyran, Jin, hell, I even tell Chev, that I'm waiting for her to whisk me away. What man doesn't want to get lost in chaos and adventure with the love of his life? I don't just love her legs because of how soft and pretty and infinitely comfortable they are. She walked to me on those legs, and one day, I hope, she'll walk away with me. Somewhere far, farther than far. There's so much of the world I haven't seen, the world and its beautiful people and their beautiful lives. I want to show her and I want her to show me.

Surprise me. Don't let me see it coming. That'll be hard, but not impossible. I know and she knows that sometimes I can be... a little...

Anyway, I've already started packing. Revealing skirts, portable cooking set, shovels, med-kit, sewing-kit, a kit for making new kits, special toys. Cyran asks me if I have any self-awareness. He's already gotten bored and left the room by the time I think to answer what I assumed was a rhetorical question.

He's not wrong; is this supposed to be my surprise trip or Emma's? I deflate a little and plop down inside an empty lavender luggage like an oversized clown. I know what the problem is, but actually thinking on it stings as if I were pressing on an open wound. Not a big wound or anything, of course. Or it's that one wound again. The fear that...

Anyway, I'm almost done packing. Emma need not concern herself with this portion of our future someday trip. I am forever at her service, because she's passed every single test so far.

Emma

I can't help but feel my stomach drop a little when I accidentally come upon the small mountain of packed trunks and chests. Dammit, Clavis. Here I'd been, dreaming up plans for a wild, truly crazy adventure, something that would suit my wild and crazy lover. I was going to surprise him with it soon. I'd spent far too many afternoons giggling to myself as I imagined his face going blank and then blossoming into that sweet, beautiful smile that I loved. I hadn't told anyone else. I hadn't left any clues. It was all still in my head, so how did he-

I see a pair of familiar blue boots sticking out of an open trunk. Then I'm standing over him, looking down at him, wondering how he fell asleep contorted like this. Well, it's not that I don't know the answer. My troublesome king still doesn't let on how hard he works himself. I can only imagine all the extra load he took on just to have time to put this mountain of supplies together. I have to laugh, honestly, bitterly. You'd think he was preparing for the end of the world with half the stuff he has in here.

"Mm...a?" A warm hand latches around my thigh.

I flick him lightly on the forehead.

"Ow... don't do what Chev does...!"

I crouch in front of the trunk, reaching inside to loosen his cravat. His skin is reddish-pink where the fabric rubbed him while he slept. The white of his shirt collar is steeped in the sunset coming in from the round porthole to our right. He'd look like a doll shoved into a drawer if he wasn't so animated. His hand keeps finding my leg, my knee now, but the touch feels strangely innocent and vulnerable.

"I guess the secret's out," I say with a sigh that comes out heavier than I'd intended and yet lighter than what I feel. "How did you know?"

Clavis chuckles, still drowsy. "How could I not? After all, I am..." His brows furrow. "Wait, know what? What secret?"

I stare at him. He stares at me. Five or six seconds go by.

"About..." I venture carefully. I don't know why he would lie about this. "About... the trip I was... planning for us...?

Clavis' lashes catch the last bit of sun as he gives an exaggerated blink. "No... I was not aware that..."

I don't know how he finds room for both of us in this trunk, but he does. Two dolls in a sudden, wild and crazy embrace.

--- Thank you for reading! Inspo was Tom Sweterlitsch's writing style ^^

[stonerskinny]

my scale told me i weigh 279.8 and then also 275.8 like twenty seconds apart and now that i am ~alone~ i want to check like five times and get an average but i have drank an entire bottle of gatorade so i think that’s gonna skew things

i am 50 hours into this fast and i desperately do not want to break it but i know im gonna have to tmrw morning before i take my new med because otherwise i’ll absolutely throw it right back up

considering just breaking it now to get things moving but im scared ill binge because im high and that was my routine for like a month

i think i have lost absolutely no weight because somehow i look noticeably larger and more bloated i swear like maybe i don’t know what i look like but i just know its worse

suicidal thoughts r strooooong tonight which is so unfortunate because you’d think at this point i could at least be glad im still fasting but i just feel like it’s too early to break it. i am kind of an extremist can u tell

think i will chill for a minute and then try to go to sleep at a semi decent hour so i can get up at like 9, take my thyroid med, break my fast w some celery (& somehow still feel guilty abt it) and then take my vyvanse

and then i’ll just start another one even tho ill be promptly breaking it the next morning to take my med, because fuck me

i know i should probably ease back into this a little slower but where’s the fun in that

okay i’ve now been awake long enough that i want to binge. although i think i just want to self harm actually and that’s a good way to do it. i cannot break my fast in the middle of the fucking night!!!! what is WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!

maybe i WILL take my meds on an empty stomach tmrw morning and just suffer the inevitable nausea that will cause in order to punish myself for even thinking about binging. like a cat with a spray bottle ✌️

a round of b/p just sounds so fun tho. me likey the head rush

guess we’ll see if i have any self control!

[notjustjavierpena]

Hey! I was- still am obsessed with Switch and tbh, I kinda began yearning for something a previous anon mentioned. What if reader ends up pregnant and both agree on an abortion? I know it's a sensitive topic and you don't have to write anything like it at all if it's a nono, but I wish Joel would have been with me when I went to the clinic. I really missed the comfort and reading something like that would kinda heal a big wound for me, I haven't seen auch a fic anywhere. Again, no pressure, I think anon had a good idea there.

A/N: I made this very short because I wanted to do it tastefully and without too many details. I debated whether to write it because this author (it’s me, i’m the author) got a full hysterectomy three months ago and I still feel a little puzzled by the whole hospital experience. Additionally, this is a continuation of Switch, but it won’t be a canon part of my DBF universe since my Joel would never continue the relationship with reader after this. It would be a deal-breaker.  Furthermore, I wasn't completely sure that this suited the mood of my blog :')

Tags: Angst, hospitals, implied abortion, dbf!joel 

Word count: 472

Dbf!Joel x f!reader

You wake up in a hospital bed with eyes so tired that they make your eyelids sting, nausea present in your empty stomach. It’s all a blur of white, painful and sterile, causing you to look around with slight confusion and panic. 

“You’re awake, let me get a nurse,” Joel’s voice makes you instantly cry from relief. He is just about to leave the tiny hospital room, but stops dead in his tracks as soon as he hears the same sniffles as he had on the phone not long ago when you had told him you were pregnant. 

Were pregnant.

He hates to be the one who makes you cry. 

Whipping around, he goes to stand by your bed. Instinctively, he reaches out to run a hand over your hair in the most parental of ways and it soothes you whilst you push away the thought of how twisted this is. 

“Shh,” he coos, using his knuckles to wipe away a tear that’s on its way down into your ear, “S’alright, baby girl. Everything went according to plan. Nothing to be scared of anymore.”

“I’m so sorry, Joel, I didn’t know who else to bring,” you sob, certain that the pain meds have upped your emotional reaction because your crying turns absolutely uncontrollable. 

Joel feels worse than after any gut punch. He leans down over you, but only slightly so as to make eye contact. His voice is firm but soft, “Listen. It’s okay. Alright? Breathe. You’ll be okay. What were you supposed to do? Go alone?”

You shake your head, fresh tears running down your cheeks so fast that Joel cannot catch them. You avoid his eyes.

“No no, look at me.”

You force yourself to stare up at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells you, and oh fuck, does he mean it, “This— this, us, can’t happen again. We don’t have to ever speak of it.”

That hurts you more than you thought it would, and you frantically shake your head, “No, no, Joel, no. I don’t want you to leave me hanging.” 

How do you tell him that he had made your loneliness a distant memory when you had been in his arms?

He says your name with a sigh, but you pull him down for a kiss suddenly. You hadn’t kissed during your meeting (You aren’t sure what else to call it) in your room. It takes Joel by surprise, even more when he finds himself kissing you back ever so softly. 

“No, we can’t,” he pushes gently at your chest to stop himself from feeling anything more, and you untangle yourself from him with disappointment. He swears under his breath, fist clenched by his side.

“But Jo–”

“Let me get that nurse.”

You stare down at your hands from where you are lying, not knowing where this’ll go.

[roseofdarknessblog]

Darkest Moments (Reiner Braun x Reader)

Word count: 856

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

TW: mentions of anxiety, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues 

Darkest Moments 

Whenever anxiety was trying to rip you apart, which was pretty often lately, Reiner was there. He knew how that felt like, and every time did his best to comfort you. With kind and reassuring words, warm hugs that tried to hold your world together, or small kisses on your cheeks, forehead, or the top of your head. He used to massage your tense shoulders and back, stroke your hair, or just hold your hand tightly to make sure you know, that he’s never leaving your side.

He knew how much you liked to be cuddled up against him, head laying on his broad chest and arms wrapped around his waist. You loved to feel the warmth of his body, it made you feel extra safe in his embrace. But above all... you found the biggest comfort in the steady beats of his heart. They were a sweet reminder that he is there with you – safe, alive, and ready to give you all the love in the world.

Reiner would hold you for hours to end. Until your raging mind calmed down a bit or until you almost cried your eyes out. He would be there if you wanted to talk about the things or situations that caused you to have such bad anxiety attack. And he would be there even if you stayed quiet for many hours. Sometimes he would try to make you talk to him, carefully trying to guide your mind to calmer places. But sometimes he would stay silent as well because there were moments when talking would make everything worse.

If you had any prescribed medication for your mental issues, Reiner would always make sure you took them when you were supposed to, or that you had them on hand in situations like these. If you needed to take your meds in the morning, he would make sure you had a fresh glass of water on your nightstand and prepare you some light but delicious breakfast so you don’t take your pills on an empty stomach and don’t make yourself unintentionally nauseous.

Even when it came down to your worst and darkest moments, Reiner could handle them. Moments when you were thinking about giving up, because everything was just too... scary, overwhelming, exhausting, confusing, draining... and so on. Anxiety at its worst could really make you feel all of the worst emotions all at once. It made your heart race and tears start to collect in the corners of your eyes. Your hands always felt cold and numb, while they were shaking and feeling too weak to even pick up something small. In times like this, your whole body tensed up until your entire back, shoulders, and arms started to physically hurt.

It sometimes felt like this only for a couple of hours, but sometimes it went on for several days, even weeks. Keeping up with everyday tasks was difficult, you had no motivation, no strength, and no desire to continue living like this.

Or continue living at all.

Everyone was always saying, that it would get better.

But when?

And how?

Even Reiner used to say that. But he always chose different, more careful words. Somehow he always knew what you needed to hear. He knew all the words that helped to calm you down. And he knew when exactly you needed to hear them. Sometimes during those long, nasty hours filled with fear and insecurity, and sometimes during the night, when you couldn’t fall asleep and kept staring at the dark ceiling.

Reiner would hold you tight until the morning, rub your back lovingly and make sure you get at least a tiny bit of rest before facing another day. When you woke up from a nasty nightmare, he would patiently listen to you and help you calm down. Reiner knew what helped you the most – hot showers even in the middle of the night, a good cup of tea or hot chocolate, or just a few quiet moments when the both of you looked up at the stars and the moon.

You loved how patient and careful he was with you.

It meant the world to you.

And he knew that. He knew how grateful you were for everything he was doing, and he never asked for anything in return. Mostly because you did the same for him whenever he needed it. And you did it with the same amount of love and patience.

You both needed each other.

And for that you were grateful.

Because when your thoughts made you believe that you were just a burden to everyone, a lost cause nobody would miss if you simply disappeared, Reiner proved you different. He made you feel wanted and needed.

He made you feel unconditionally loved under every circumstance.

And never let you believe, that your anxiety or anything else made you less of a lovable human being. Quiet the opposite. He never failed to remind you, that your emotions made you perfectly human and that there was no shame in feeling them.

No shame in showing them, and no shame in talking about them.

Never.

[kylos-starlight]

Oops :) Gets real under the cut. It's nothing bad though! <3 turns into a gush post near the end~ It's a little long so I get it if no one reads it but I like to voice my thoughts that's all.

Top of the list he goes. He deserves to be there. Not only are his scenes at the end of IX helping me to overcome my fear of thunder and lightning. There's something else.

A few years ago I lost a certain spark. Every ounce of creativity and passion I had shattered. I was always chasing the next "big f/o" that would spark that passion again, that creativity. I never found it and I got depressed for a little bit because I thought I would never find a love as grand as I had before. So my storytelling became nonexistent, I stopped drawing, and the endless thoughts I used to have were replaced with an endless emptiness so I went quiet. I gave up trying to chase something that I thought would never happen again. I was slowly losing myself

I spent a last few years yes, self-shipping and yes don't get me wrong I love all of my f/o but there was something missing, I didn't feel the need to scream every two second about how much I love them, there was just something "off" with myself. I couldn't voice it or the anons would come with their pitchforks "You don't really love your f/o" plus it was hard to put into words. How can you love your f/o but still feel that something is missing?

cut to my sick ass lazing on the couch in the present time. I get an idea, "Hey I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in like...forever- maybe I'll re-watch them all.. then there are the newer ones I haven't seen yet." So I start watching the movies. I had a few interruptions when I was watching VII and VIII but I kept on watching. I thought Kylo Ren's lightsaber was so badass but at the time thought nothing much of Ben himself.

As the days went on I decided to rewatch VII VIII and IX because of said past interruptions be it people or my sick ass having to take meds and stuff. As I do with most things I watch the second time I really consume it. I noticed something. Something different. The very first time Kylo took his helmet off I felt it the feeling that started in my chest and radiated to my stomach.. butterflies? He spoke and there was no distortion from his mask as he wasn't wearing it and I felt my heart skip a bit. what the hell?

the more I watched the more I learned, the more I learned the more I started to fall in love. Do I condone some of the things he's done? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. After the movies I sort of just sat there on my couch, looking at my own reflection of the tv. "wow, I like Ben huh?" I said to myself then I shrugged. "Ah, fleeting crush and maybe an f/o" Throughout the rest of the day however I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything from his appearance to how he talked and how he carried himself.

So I decided to run with it. Would it be one of those f/o where I say I'm crushing and nothing happens? Or maybe it will be like my other recent f/o Alex? Talk about him for a little bit but then the fixation dies almost as quickly as it started?

Neither of that happened. I got flooded with endless thoughts, and ideas. Ideas for moodboards, playlists, art.

I got attached to Ben so much, it's hard to explain it but I feel connected to him in a way that I never thought was possible for me ever again. He makes me genuinely smile and I don't mean just smile with my mouth but makes me smile with my eyes. He makes me blush and laugh and feel like I'm on top of the world in such a euphoric state. I actually feel like we're together- like actually. I know it sounds insane but I have every bit of real emotion for Ben. I feel well- in love.

I said I love all my other f/o too and its true and this might sound terrible and believe me I've thought myself as a terrible person but the love I hold for Ben is higher and so much more different than the love I have for the others..

I thought he'd be like a shooting star. A moment of fun but he'd fade away just as fast as he came into my life.

I'm thankful that wasn't the case. He managed to do what I thought wasn't ever gonna happen to me again. He reignited my spark and love and appreciation. I can't say the last time I smiled this much irl and how much I've had my heartbeat fast and the tint rise to my cheeks.

I guess in short...

Ben makes me feel like I'm alive again.

<- I'm trying so hard not to cry as I talk about this but I mean it's true, I've had so much bullshit happen in my life. I've survived so many hardships and awful people. I forgot what feeling alive was, I thought my new normal was to not expect happiness because it will be met with tragedy and I'll be back at square one. Alone and fighting demons in my mind.

Ben has reignited my heart and I am forever grateful for him, I love him so much already and I hold him so incredibly dear. He makes me feel strong, and loved, and passionate- I love him with my entire soul. So deeply that the love extends past the words themselves. It's so much deeper.

If you read this far thank you <3 It means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me coherently ramble for once.

[raviliuz]

Really random nice Marcus piece

Because it's this blog's 3rd bday and I thought I should post something

It wasn't the best day for Marcus. He slept in and didn't eat any breakfast. He was hungry, his head started pounding because of it and he couldn't take his ADHD meds on empty stomach.

After his second lesson, he finally had a longer break. He automatically headed to the kitchens. Marcus tickled the pear and entered.

"Good morning" he greeted with elves "Sorry for being a burden, but could you make me something to eat? I didn't eat breakfast".

Marcus felt awful for adding more work to the house elves who were always busy, even without his stupid breakfast. He learnt to really appreciate their work and be grateful even though his parents always said they were slaves made for that.

"Of course, Marcus sir" elves answered in agreement "What would you like?"

"Something fast, a sandwich would be good, don't want to waste your time".

They started working and Marcus went further into the kitchen and found Oliver Wood, sitting calmly on the floor.

"Oh, hey, Wood" Flint muttered, feeling too bad for any teasing.

Wood looked surprised. He needed some time alone from the crowd and he always found kitchens calming in its mechanical business.

Marcus sat next to him.

"You look bad, man" Oliver said unsurely.

It made Flint laugh dryly.

"You know how to flatter a man".

Oliver turned red. He hated that, he was extremely expressive, every emotion quickly showing on his face. When he was angry, he looked like puffed up cat.

"I meant it in "you look bad, are you okay" way".

Marcus couldn't lie, he was surprised that Oliver cared, or at least was bothered enough to pretend he did.

"I'm hungry, my head is killing me and I'm twitchy 'cuz I couldn't take my meds. Life is awful."

"Meds?" Oliver asked, truly curious.

"I have ADHD, was actually diagnosed during holidays" he explained "I have to take my meds right after breakfast but I was too late for that so..."

Their, surprisingly civil, conversation was interrupted by a house elf, Marcus was almost sure it was Vekey.

"I have your food, Marcus sir".

Marcus stopped correcting them to not call him sir as it didn't work.

What Vekey brought definitely didn't look like a simple sandwich. Twelve carrot cupcakes stood on a plate like a pyramid.

"Sir Marcus is nice, sir Marcus deserves his favorites" Vekey explained with a huge grin, making Flint blush.

"Thank you all so much. You all are too nice."

The house elf left and Flint put the plate in between them, waving to Oliver to eat.

"You are really kind to the house elves" Oliver pointed out.

"You sound surprised. It's human decency".

"Well, yeah" Wood scratched his head awkwardly and took one cupcake "Kinda expected you to treat them like slaves".

Marcus understood that and respected the truthfulness but Oliver explained further as if afraid he would be misunderstood.

"I mean, that's how I would guess your parents raised you, you dirty pureblood".

Dirty pureblood was a laughable insult in Marcus' opinion.

"Honestly, they did. But I'm kind since I was like ten and Terence screamed at me for a good half an hour for not saying "thank you"" Marcus laughed.

Oliver had no idea Flint and Higgs knew each other before Hogwarts. He was just about to answer when Marcus continued quieter.

"Then my parents screamed at me for an hour or so for treating them like we are equal" he admitted bitterly "But..." he wasn't sure if he should continue, but after Oliver's soft interested gaze, he did "Terence's opinion matters more. Always have."

Oliver observed as Marcus took a small container from his pocket and took one pill. He swallowed it and took another cupcake.

"Don't want to be nosy but your family seems kinda awful."

"That's fundamentally not true".

Marcus protested and Oliver was sure he would get mad for insulting his family. But Marcus finished :

"I got disowned so I don't have a family to be bad."

Wood couldn't help but burst out laughing. He felt kinda bad, laughing at 17 years old getting disowned by his family. But he explained to himself that Flint made the joke himself, it was okay.

"That's kinda awful" Oliver just said after a while.

"Nah, I'm good" Marcus shrugged "The least toxic people in your life, the better you're doing, you know?"

They finished the cupcakes and Marcus' hunger and headache faded. He stood up.

"Bye," Flint said simply but decided to add "It was actually really nice to be civil with you ."

[bluebrainrot]

Here's a ROTTMNT fanfic W.I.P I'm not going to finish,

it's 3k words long.

(TW/CW for injuries and feelings of guilt which result in reckless activity.)

oh god, he was so fucking bored, 

Sure Leo had practically gotten his shit handed to him in a nicely wrapped up present with a tiny blue bow by the Krang a couple months ago,

and sure he ended up passing out for an entire week after the adrenaline passed which gave his entire family a heart attack,

but that didn't stop the numbness crawl it's way through his chest, the small prickling feeling of dread make its way up his neck, or the heavy pit that stayed in his stomach as soon as he was left alone.

Boredom, Yeah, it's totally boredom, it could literally be nothing else, not fear, or anxiety, or guilt that he was the reason his family and the entire world was almost destroyed.

No, he was just bored.

He picked at his bandaged arms, staring at the ceiling scheming, he would make his escape tonight

"Nardo, do not." Donnie had entered the med bay and went to check his vitals,

"I wasn't going to do anything?!" Leo shot back, giving his brother an incredulous look,

Even though Donnie swore that twin telepathy wasn't a thing (or that they were twins because "We are literally two different species' of turtles, Dum Dum.") Donnie always knew when he was gonna pull some bullshit, 

"I mean stop picking at your bandages, Dum Dum." 

"Oh," Leo mentally sighed and decided to fidget with his fingers instead.

The plan was still on.

"And don't even think about leaving the med bay." he said momentarily glaring at leo, after he finished checking Leo's iv, 

Fuck.

"I- Me? Never. I'm out of commission, doc, you know that," He said faking a hurt tone, as if he was offended that Donnie would assume such a thing.

"I'm stuck here, I can barely stand," he pouted at Donnie, that was only partially not true. Leo had practiced hobbling around when everyone was asleep, 

Donnie raised a drawn on eyebrow at him, to which Leo returned with a half grin half smirk, 

There was a pause of silence before Donnie sighed, 

"Alright," Donnie started, 

Leo mentally cheered and smiled, 

"but i guess since you're stuck here," Donnie paused for a second, "I'm sure you won't mind me keeping you company?"

Leo's face fell while it was Donnie's turn to smirk, 

"I'm sure you'd love to have me, your older twin, stay with you." He continued with a smug grin, as he looked at Leo, who was busy looking half terrified,

Leo recovered and attempted to grin back, 

"Yea, sure," He blinked taking a minute, before opening and closing his mouth in thought of what to say next,

"Great." Donnie said, "Now, if you don't mind, dear brother, I need to get somethings done before I join you." He said with a monotone flourish before he left the med bay, 

as soon as he was out of earshot Leo cursed, sour that his dear twin brother managed to snuff out his plans, he laid his head back down on the pillow rolling his eyes at the ceiling,

his head was cramped with the thought of new york, how he used to run along rooftops with his brothers, fight crime, Go to "Run of the Mill" and annoy his second father figure Señor Hueso, 

he mostly missed the sounds, the bustling alive streets that were never quiet, which felt like a stark contrast to the med bay, 

where the only sounds were machines beeping signaling that Leo had somehow survived, dripping of sewer pipes buried somewhere within the walls, the hushed whispers and conversations that would happen infront of the med bay when his family thought he was asleep,

it all felt like too much, or too empty, sure his brothers would come in and talk to him, 

or try to, atleast.

It would usually end in an awkward silence as if they had no idea what to say, because what do you say to your brother who had sacrificed himself, who resigned himself a fate with practically no chance of survival?

it was usually with Raph that conversations died fast, because there was always something else he wanted to say, always something that just died on the tip of his tongue, Leo often wondered what it was, 

a part of him thinks it would be about Leo's stunt at the docks, how because of his inability to shut up they had been spotted, 

how he had disobeyed Raph and went after the key on his own without a single thought or plan on how he would have gotten out on his own, 

how Raph had to sacrifice himself for Leo and deal with the consequences which was forever memorialized on his face, an ugly scar over his eye, a reminder on how it was Leo's fault.

The sane part of Leo knows that Raph did not hold it against him, but it still was a terrifying, ugly thought that felt like hot coals were being shoved down his throat and burned smoke into his eyes.

with Mikey conversations flowed somewhat smoothly, Leo could sense he desperately wanted to bring out Dr. feelings but would supress it, 

They would continue to talk about skateboarding or a meme Mikey got from April, but no matter the subject Leo's eyes were always led to his baby brothers hands and forearms, 

They were painted with faint scars, jagged, thin and ran along his arms like dead tree branches, it was a show of Mikey's love and determination; a mark that shouldn't have to be there. 

Leo knew that Mikey struggled, his hands were filled with tremors, he could barely hold a pencil or a paintbrush anymore. 

Leo may have sacrificed himself, but Mikey? Mikey gave up his art, his ability to breathe life onto a blank page and Leo was the one who took it from him.

He had heard Mikey crying one night, from the darkness he could hear sniffles permeating through the lair, that reminded Leo of when they were kids and Mikey would skin his knees by tripping over his own feet from running too fast, 

Leo hated hearing Mikey cry which is why he had found those old knee pads, but this, this required more than knee pads, a bandaid, soft words and cuddles.

Leo had asked him about it one night and to his surprise Mikey answered truthfully, he had told Leo everything, how even though he was glad that ge managed to save Leo, he missed being able to draw, to paint, to create. 

That night ended in both Mikey and Leo crying, one with relief of finally unburdening themselves with pent up emotions, and the other with guilt.

Mikey was always so much stronger than him in that sense, he was so willing and open with his feelings. 

He would never tell Mikey this, knowing he would most definitely break out Dr. Feelings, but It made Leo feel sick with himself, It was another weight added to his stomach, another way he could torture himself,

Another reason as to why he should have been left in the prison dimension.

Leo couldn't believe his baby brother felt the need to save him.

He didn't need saving.

He didn't want it, not at the expense of his family.

If Mikey hadn't saved Leo, he wouldn't had to give up on his art. Not for a brother that fucked everything up.

But with Donnie it was different, it was easier.

His twin was never one for feelings or emotions, and rather preferred to sit with you in silence, and usually used small touches; a hand on your shoulder, as a way offering his presence as an anchor, or to say I'm here.

Leo was grateful for that in many ways, 

however, in this case, he wasn't.

Donnie had returned with some mush he called Leo's dinner,

Leo couldn't eat anything solid, Thanks to the Krang and his temper tantrum in the prison dimension, which in turn led him to have a diet of liquids and baby food.

Leo whinned as Donnie placed the plate of mushed up peas in front of him, 

"c'mon Donnieeee" he dragged, 

"I've been having shitty mashed peas for the past month. It's fucking disgusting and flavorless and boring."

Donnie gave him an unimpressed look, "Leon, you know very well why you have to eat the peas," Donnie sat down on the chair beside the bed, where for the past month or so, his brothers had been taking turns, to watch over an unconcious Leo.

The seat was, from what Leo had heard, had mostly been occupied by Raph. Donnie and Mikey being very close seconds.

"you're the team medic, and as team medic you know that your stomach pulled an AllMight and half of it got destroyed." Donnie crossed his arms as he talked and shifted in his seat.

"yeah, I know that, DonTron" he rolled his eyes, "I didn't ask 'why?' I just want something other than fucking peas, or atleast something with salt." He glared at the plate on his lap.

Donnie sighed, "Leon. Eat the fucking peas." 

Leo frowned at Donnie then the plate of peas, then at Donnie, then peas, Donnie, Peas, Donnie, Peas, and grimaced.

he groaned before using the plastic blue spoon that kindergarden children were most familiar with, and took a bite of the room temperature peas, making a disgusted face as he swallowed, 

He looked back at Donnie who was still seated next to him with his arms crossed, unimpressed with Leo's antics.

Leo scooped another spoonful, bringing it up halfway and paused, stared at the peas, and put it back down, turned to Donnie, 

"DonDonnnn, my arm hurts," he pouted.

Donnie pinched the bridge of his beak and groaned,

Leo smirked,

"Nardo, I swear on the pizza supreme in the sky." He looked at Leo, borderline glaring at him.

Leo stared back with a blank face, before it contorted into one of pleading.

Donnie swore under his breath that his brother was going to give him an ulcer before they turn 18, 

"Fine. Fine. I'll try and find something else."

Leo smiled back at Donnie. "Ohmigosh! Thank you, Thank you so so so much, Donnie, you are the greatest brother ever, have I ever told you tha-"

Donnie held out a finger to shut him up, "I said 'try'." He gave a tired sigh before he continued,

"and whatever I bring you have to eat it. no complaining, nothing. Got it?" He said eyeing Leo.

"Todd scouts honor." He said before drawing a cross with his finger on his plastron.

Donnie got up, narrowing his eyes at Leo as he got to the door of the med bay, before leaving. 

Leo wait a few minutes before he grinned, sat up and stretched over to place the peas on donnies seat, 

he swung his legs over the bed, using the iv stand to stabilize himself, before taking a few explorative steps, 

Leo removed the iv from his wrist and used the stand for a couple more steps, before attempting to stay upright on his own.

he wobbled, and stuck his arms out like a tightrope walker to keep steady, his face focused, tongue sticking out as he tried his best not to fall over.

Leo took a few more steps before he could comfortably walk, more like limp, around the Med bay.

He started making his way through the med bay trying his best to quiet his foot falls, and leaned out the door to see if anyone was coming, after he was satisfied, he went back in and made his way to one of the vents, 

he opened it and scurried inside, closing the vent behind him, his mind made an inkling thought of an among us joke, before he snickered and moved on.

Leo had memorized the ventilation shafts as a way to fight his boredom one night,

He made the necessary turns till he made it to his subway cart room.

He clambered down, and entered his room filled with Jupiter jim and lou jitsu posters and action figures, comic books sat in teetering piles near his unmade bed, as his twin katanas laid across his desk.

he grabbed his katana holders that was draped on his desk chair and struggled it over his carapace before taking one katana and placing it in the holder and using the other like a makeshift crutch.

he made his way to the back door of the subway cart and opened it, 

Leo used this exit many times before, especially on quiet nights when his insomnia was acting up and drinking tea or rewatching jupiter jim or lou jistu movies weren't working,

he'd make his way out of the abandonded subway tunnels, up to the surface and wander around, 

Leo did the same thing he'd been doing in the two years after Shredder had destroyed their first home, Before the krang Fucked up everything.

Except, now, he stumbled down the subway tunnels with his katana as a crutch rather than easily stroll like before.

Leo found his way to the surface taking a minute to stare at the sky, 

The similar sounds flooded his ears. The people. The constant movement and chatter. The soft goan of a new city being rebuilt over an old one.

Leo felt at peace, he felt lighter, as he dragged himself out of the abandoned subway catacombs, and made his way up onto the rooftops with the help of an old fire escape, 

he had at first decided to aimlessly wonder around to take in the sights and the feeling of his city.

It had been a long time. Way too long.

as he walked around he noticed that even though it was familiar, it was all so vastly different.

As the sounds of construction took up most of the air, there were more people than ever queuing up infront of food drives, and there were more crumbling and abandoned buildings than usual. 

Leo's face hardened, as he realized that these were all effects of the invasion.

Of the catastrophic event that rocked practically everyones shit.

He felt the stubbling feelings of guilt prickle its way through his chest, as he stared down at his city, his home.

Leo shook his head, he was here to feel better, to not feel bored anymore. 

That what he was going to do.

he pushed back the all encompassing thoughts and dread, all the way to the back of his mind, tonight is his night. 

The only night he'll allow himself.

Leo needed to get serious; about his family, his city, and himself.

Because it was never about him, it was never supposed to be. 

Leo looked back at the sky almost inky and dark, but dented with the city lights, proof to him that new york was healing and that it would all be ok.

Leo's stomach grumbled, as he was lost in his thoughts.

Leo hummed as if to let himself know that he recognized he was hungry.

a few mummbled thoughts went through his mind before he managed to pick one.

Run of the Mill. Señor Hueso.

He needed to check up on Hueso, and eat something that wasn't fucking flavorless peas.

Leo made his way across the rooftops till he reached the alleyway where Run of the Mill was hidden. 

He opened the mystic door and sauntered in, putting an air of "I'm completely ok, the casts, bandages and sword i'm using to keep myself from falling on my face are a fashion statement nothing more."

Leo was greeted with the warmth, smells and sounds the restraunt usually had, and for a second his mind melted, it was so familiar, it was exactly as he left it, and Leo loved it.

Too many things had changed and he was so glad that atleast one thing was the same.

Leo with the same sauntering pace limped with his sword, up to the counter, flashing a grin to the waitstaff.

"Heeeeeyyyyyyyy," Leo had proped himself against the counter, leaning his sword next to him.

The yokai manning the counter was a type of humanoid black bear who wore a black button down, and had an annoyed snarl placed on their face as they looked down at Leo.

"Do you think by any chance you can get me Señor Hueso? you see he is like a really good pal of mine," He paused expectingly, waiting for the bear to go get Hueso, but they stood there, still snarling.

"we are muy close, super duper close like almost like a mentor/mentee type of deal or one could even say father and son?" Leo stopped, raising his nonexistent eyebrows, a small part of him wondering if he should just leave.

But he continued anyway "actually more like uncle and nephew, anywhizzle, I'm sure he would love to see that i'm doing amazing," Leo gestured to himself, which would more likely disprove his point rather than help it.

"after the entire almost end of the world thing at the hands/tentacles of chewed up bubblegum." He tried to give the bear a smile in an attempt to convince him, 

there was silence as the yokai and Leo made eye contact for a solid minute, the bears ears flicking from time to time.

Leo broke first and groaned, "It's fine i'll just get him myself." and gave the bear a sarcastic smile, before peeling himself off the counter and hobbling into the bustling restraunt with his weight on his katana, towards Hueso's office.

The bear grunted as he did so, and greeted the next customer with silence.

Leo slowly weaved his way through the waiters and tables before making to the door of hueso's office, promptly knocking before he let himself in,

grinning as (humanely?) turtley possible, as he greeted Hueso with a "Heeeeyyyyy Boneman," and finger guns.

Hueso was on his office phone, his eyes, eyesockets? widened as he saw the turtle barge into his office, 

He muttered a quick assurance to whoever was on the phone before cutting the line.

That's it! Thanks if you read this far ^_^

Here's a picture of my grand uncle's cat as thanks.

[ethernetmeep]

attended graduation. surprisingly cried less than i was anticipating, at least during the event. cried a bit afterwards, mix of realization & fear of not being able to get home safely. i did, luckily… my mother eventually came. wore a suit & tie, specifically the tie my friend gifted to me. heated up like a car in front of the sun. brought a drink since i knew if i didnt id maybe faint because of heat exhaustion. more likely nausea.

sat with an acquaintance, rambled to her. felt sick during most of the ceremony. almost puked, uh… three times. nerves hit like a brick wall. literally. nauseous because of nervousness. wanted to yell & holler but i dont have the voice for that. simple quiet ‘yay’ syllables had to suffice. brought sheldon & wiffle & chiquitito. gave chiquitito a bath before i left. got ready an hour or so early. sat outside & looked at birds in the meantime

in an ideal world i am very smart & funny & talented & talk to everyone & perfect. in an ideal world i dont get so worried my body physically shuts down. in an ideal world, i would be able to say something as simple as, “oh my gosh, i’m so happy for you! take care!” without bile festering. i try to live in this ideal world, try to be the best i can, but ive learned this is really really hard for me to do because frankly i am quite stupid. i know this is a haha funny joke 70% of the time but if i actually start gagging on nothing i know it’s probably a bad sign and i should stop overworking myself lest i actually do puke. it would not be very appealing to throw up in front of a plethora of my peers & their families. god…..

don’t even.. don’t.

[head in hands]

fine. FOR THE SAKE OF JOURNALISM! nothing else.

“I FUCKING— I HATE THEM. SO MUCH. I’M SORRY, I KNOW THATS MEAN—“

mother & other party member: “ITS NOT MEAN.”

[still reeling from remnants of stomach acid (as i did not eat anything in the morning when i took my meds which probably doesnt help this, although i didnt wanna eat then puke up whatever food it was i ate there either)] “I’M JUST— UGH! I’M SO FUCKING, I’M SO MAD.”

snippet of conversation. back seat with extra space just because. emotional & still nauseous. almost cry on the way home because of these weird things called human emotions, tears only well up; don’t actually fall. ramble to a man who knows a lot of people. miscellaneous conversations follow, like the one where i ask him if he can do anything about my favorite teacher being laid off. he says he’ll try. he…. how do i say this… knows… many individuals…. hes nice, slowly grown more used to his presence. i think if i cried with tears and snot long enough he’d be able to do many things, which is crazy & absurd but genuinely accurate. scarily accurate.

home, sitting outside & watching birds feed from the bird feeder. emptied it while i was gone. northern flicker, blue jay, blue-capped chickadee, common grackle, tufted titmouse… a wide variety. sprinkle some seeds on the ground for both squirrels & robins since they seem to not use the bird feeder much. robin right in front of me now, actually [was when i was typing this sentence]

i only made one note / doodle in my notebook during the event, but with words written & context applied its maybe better i don’t share it. saying…. heated words….. from a person that dislikes being rude unless someone is genuinely vile, is not as vague as one thinks they are. still, its pretty funny to imagine me being violent… slap thing was genuinely the first time i ever put my hands on someone like that

anyway, now theres three grackles near my bird feeder. two underneath. they’re so cute its almost upsetting, except its not. its quite nice to feel less alone

something something hi there something something oh hey i said everything now. i should probably lay down before my stomach gets worse

really happy i went, though. wouldn’t miss it for the world

[pissbuddys]

that post u rbd yesterday abt someone waking up needing to pee so bad they wet themselves as soon as they got out of bed put such a specific image into my head of like… my current fav recovering from surgery in their partner’s home, because idk if youv ever had surgery but if you havent theres this drug they give that makes your mouth Bone Dry and if nobody stops you then you just wake up and immediately start devouring ice chips PLUS i think there might be a diuretic effect from the residual anaesthesia so: Character wakes up about to burst, disoriented and clumsy from pain meds, bewildered because it hasn’t been that long, has it? why do they already feel like they haven’t pissed in days? and once they’ve got their feet on the floor the shift in gravity’s all it takes for them to lose it, and the fact that theyre pissing themself and that its their partner’s floor theyre soiling and theyre feeling all loopy and don’t know what’s going on—they just fuckin’ burst into tears while theyre calling for their partner, and theyre not even done peeing by the time their partner makes it to them but they can’t stop so they’re frantically apologizing at the same time their partner’s trying to reassure them—maybe they eventually empty their bladder enough that theyre able to clamp down again, but their partner gently tells them to finish (might as well stick to just the one mess) and then they’re pissing themself again, but this time it’s both on purpose and with their partner Right There

and then afterwards theyre terrified its gonna happen again, but they also can’t stomach the thought of asking explicitly for diapers so when their partner brings up the option of diapers they’re so relieved they just start shedding tears again. idk what it was about that post that made all this happen in my head immediately but i wanted to share i hope thats okay. piss am i right

thats so fucking cute, ive had surgery before but i dont think i had those specific meds, i really love when a partner has to tell the victim to finish up because they already wet enough anyway

what of after they get put into diapers they get desperate again but its so unnatural to them so they have trouble going and their partner has to help out

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

oh also idk but if u r still thinking abt changing from vyvanse n also worried abt fixing ur appetite i suggest smt h else because if i remember righr vyvanse kinda kills ur appetite?? i think

yeaaa i thinmk all adhd medications do this >_< But in a weird way it kinda encourages me to forcefeed myself more often because the meds feels like SHIIIIIT on an empty stomach. whereas when im just sober or whatever im so spaced out n disconnectrd from reality that i will forget to eat for like 7 hours at a time. With the medication i not only remember to eat but have the attention span to make myself actual meals. (i am also speaking from my experience of taking adderall in the past). Yeah its a weird trade-off lol it seems counter intruitive i spose but it weirdly helps.

[fuckthisshitimin]

Eat

"You don't cook."

It's all Sebastian can think to say, all Sebastian can think at all. His mind is a blur these days - nightmares, and the new meds, maybe? He can't remember when it started to feel like that, it's far from an all time low still, so he'll take it.

There's a heavy looking stewpot on the kitchen table, Styx had to move a couple (a dozen) empty coffee mugs to put it here, and he started cleaning another pot, taking a pack of uncooked rice out of his pocket like it's something absolutely normal to carry.

"Nah, I don't like to cook, not the same."

It's maybe one of the first things Sebastian had learnt about Styx. Mysterious, foul-mouthed Styx. A stray black cat that miraculously let him into its life.

"Then why are you cooking?"

"Well that's what best friends are for, right? Suffering mild inconveniences to make sure the other doesn't fucking die?"

Sebastian attempts a laugh, but it doesn't seem to be what Styx is going for. He rinses the pot, fills it with water, turns the hob on. He doesn't add salt. Sebastian always boils saltwater. Well, except for coffee. Which reminds him- "Bastian, how long have I know you?"

"Five years." He picks his current mug up from the ground, waltzes around Styx to refill it with coffee, put it in the microwave. He watches the mug rotating, sickly porcelain under the yellow light. He doesn't remember what he was doing before Styx came in. It's nearing eight in the morning, maybe he was off to bed.

"And do you know how old I am?"

"No. What, have you finally decided to tell me?"

"Dream on. But I've been around for decades before you were born, and chances are, I'm gonna be around for decades after you're gone. You're gonna die on me, mate."

Strange thought. Strange idea, to say it out loud. Sebastian knows Styx is old - too old. Like a vampire or something. He opens the microwave before it beeps, blows on the coffee to assess the temperature. Just a little more. Thirty seconds.

"And I made peace with that. Mostly. When you stormed into my life like the petulant nuisance you are I thought 'Oh, shit, I'm gonna follow this idiot till the day he dies'," seventeen seconds, "and so I know, I always knew. But I'm not gonna let you wilt away like a houseplant."

Five seconds, Sebastian takes the mug out. Blows on it. Just right. "I don't know what you mean."

"You're melting."

Again, a strange choice of words. Styx chooses strange words all the time. Again, Sebastian is tired. Sitting on his bed might be his best choice. He crashes there. "When was the last time you ate a full meal?"

"I dunno. Yesterday? Dinner?"

Instant noodles. It's a meal. It's literally a meal. It's not that long ago, and he had snacks, too. Lots of snacks. Too many? He didn't count. There were moments he had to eat something, and he did. Surely that is enough.

"You can't do this shit to me, Bastian. D' you know what it feels like, to be skinny?"

Of course he knows. His noodle arms are here for that. For all the time Sebastian has known him, Styx has never been particularly thin. His thighs are full, his arms, soft, his stomach round. He puts the stewpot on the second hob, curry, maybe. "I don't-"

"I've fucken been there, kay? And right now you don't see it, but I see it."

The water boils, and Styx pours the rice in it, before joining his best friend on the bed. Dirty laundry by his pillow. The duvet is out of the sheets. It's a bit of a mess, but Styx's place is messier, and Sebastian lights a cigarette. Misplaced satisfaction, like his ribs when he scratches his back. He remembers he was real skinny once, too, he remembers he liked how small his boobs got when he ate just a little, just a little less - now his chest is flat, it is not an issue. The ribs, still. A drop of left-over euphoria.

Styx opens his mouth wide, and Sebastian wonders if he got a new piercing for his tongue, but he points at two teeth. "Those are fake. The real ones died in my mouth because I was too fucked in the head to eat properly." He should have lowered the heat on the rice - and salt, he didn't put salt in. Sebastian doesn't get up to correct it. He looks at Styx's teeth.

"Being underweight hurts. You get used to it. Get used to being cold, all, the, bloody, time, you bruise more easily. Everything bruises. Sitting on the floor for too long. Leaning on the fucking wall. And you don't really notice, because it's normal now."

There are red and purple bruises all over Sebastian's knees. He didn't do anything too extreme. He bruises easily. Always has. Probably. He pulls the duvet towards him, covering his legs.

"Wounds take longer to heal, too. And you get sick. And you get used to it, too, I got used to my throat being sore like I got used to my knees aching after walking a fucking mile, and it took a decade to get my head out of this crap. You're smart, Bastian, like me. Don't think you're too smart to fall for this shit."

He is, still. He eats enough. He toes the line. He's not underweight - or barely. He is, just barely. He did the math. He can still work. His body is okay enough.

"Because that's not how it works. It's worse when you're smart, cause your mind is so goddamn good at tricking you, at arguing against the people telling you you're not okay, telling you you can toe the line between a disordered eating and an eating disorder just for science, as an experiment - but you're just getting worse."

Sebastian thinks it's maybe the longest he's ever heard Styx talk at once.

"Fucking around and finding out with your health is bullshit. I should be dead, Fen." It's been years since Styx called him that. He can't imagine a world where Styx is dead. No, no. "This is an experiment, but you're the subject, and the rot in your brain tries to convince you you're the scientist."

The smoke on Sebastian's tongue brings nausea. He doesn't like the feeling - scrutiny. Helplessness.

"Not eating is not gaining control. I promise. I swear to Christ."

It rings like a doom bell. It echoes in the empty pit of Sebastian's stomach, where guilt lives, allowing no roommate.

"Shit."

"Yeah. It's shit. I took some books, so I can stay a few days. But I'm not leaving until you eat."

Black eyes. Wet and shiny. Sebastian isn't hungry - and he knows Styx has a point. He knows there is a rot in his brain, that lies. It speaks with his voice, when it promises he'll eat later. It likes his bones bare. It recoils at the thought of getting better. Fatter. Happier. It recoils beneath Styx's eyes.

"Okay."

[37q]

query seeking audience response

hey guys i need help with something psychological! but ummmm eating disorder discussion under the cut but its not like. TECHNICALLY the main thing

so im behind on my meds again -- either very late in the day or skipping because its far too late. i take two. yes just two shut up. my adhd meds (i take focalin) affect my sleep when i dont give them enough waking hours to run their course, and im not sure what my new anxiety meds (i switched to trinellix generic name vortioxetine this past week) do if i take them too late in the day.

a context b query.

skip to b1 for the guts of my request pls!

a1 aldhflfhsld lowkey self affirmation but ill call this context! im not a calorie counter kinda restricter im far too undisciplined and hungry-stupid and regular(?)-forgetful to keep track! i restrict purely out of avoidance and fear! it looks like forgetfulness or poor planning but ultimately these are behavioral consequences of impermanent, unreconciled cognitive formations. time blindness, neglectful focus, executive dysfunction, anxiety-dissociation, poor planning and impulsivity, these are all maladaptive externalizations of a quirky lil brain alienated from its body and life. wisdom is knowing how to live with yourself, and i can accommodate these dysfunctions with great success via medicated mindfulness. knowing this and not doing so is self-sabotage, though such a harsh diagnosis spares no room for self-doubt or self-shame.

a2 focalin doesnt affect my appetite, like at all. its very good for my eating, in particular my appetite motivation. BUT i have this soul rending fear of taking meds on an empty stomach. taking meds right when i wake up FREAKS me the fuck out because I DONT KNOW when im going to eat next!!! and i I DONT KNOW what these meds will do to me if im undernourished that hour or day!!! im so scared!!!!!

b1 the query!!!! i need a mass reality check. either "here is the science for why you shouldnt be worried but should still act conscientiously" or "here are my personal experiences for why-" or "fuck the reasons take your meds" please 😭

b2 i usually rely on kai for "rationals and reality checks" but they stop working after a day because i forget what she said or even the whole scene of her reassurance because im sldhflshsld 😭😭 so stupid. i could make up a scene in my head of her telling me its alright and that usually would work but as i do that every time my brain superimposes another layer of a scene of her agreeing with my fears and setting up more obstacles like "ok eat something then"

[ughhhnotagain]

guys my partner just left, they came over today and i just woke up so i was obviously hungry but i didnt eat anything. THEY DIDNT NOTICE ANYTHING

they literally started eating some chips and cookies my roommate left, ate almost all of them and never even asked why i didnt eat breakfast. like i hate being fat but in situations like this im kinda glad i am because then i know im not triggering them and they mean the world to me

and best part is that i have night shifts and it's so easy to ⭐ve without being suspicious because of meds im taking that i need to take on empty stomach, so i only eat before work and on first break (we have 3 every 2 hours). i love it cant wait to loose some weight 🥳 ESPECIALLY that i finally got my period and ik that once its over im not gonna be so bloated and irritable and it'll be easier to ⭐ve as well. love it love my life im gonna loose at least 10lbs this week istg