#its the only why im gonna cry and NEED to cry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wmnwntmefshfrme · 1 day

Text

I FINISHED THEM. I DID IT. WOOHOO (crying)

design notes:

Yaira: nothing changed

Estrella: dead mom ponytail gone </3 i only did it in the og drawing of her bc its funny

Robin: ROBINNNN. IM SO SORRY I FORGOT THE PUFF BUNS UUEHEHHHHH- anyway, when i was planning out the designs for the other named npcs, i was like "why the hell are there so many gingers" so i made her have blue hair :3 to match with her confidence stat :3 also gave her yellow/orange eyes instead of green bc there were also a lot of green eyed npcs

Sydney: SKUNK HAIR. I DUNNO HOW I FORGOT ABOUT THAT YUMMY DYE STYLE. SYDNEY IM SORRY. i completely forgot i wanted to still have her natural hair (also just made pink bc teehee i like whimsy) to show

Whitney: not much changed besides the hair style. completely forgot i wanted her to be super gyaru OTL. gave her cheek piercings bc they're cute :3

Kylar: i lowkey started to not like how i did her hair originally and then came across all the sketches i made for the LIs and was like FLUFFY KY :3 ofc had to keep the emo bangs :3

Avery: nothing changed LMAOAOA

Great Hawk: FEATHER HAIR. I FORGOT I MADE A SKETCH FOR FEATHER-LIKE HAIR FOR HER. IM MAD AT MYSELF.

Black Wolf: not much changed, just made her hair longer bc why not

Alex: not much changed, just made he hair more of a red red, darkened her skin, altered her bangs, and changed the color of her bandana. still wanted to keep her looking like a cutie patootie

Eden: I ACCIDENTALLY GAVE HER A GIANT FOREHEAD THE FIRST TIME AND I DIDN'T MEAN TO SOBBING. not much changed though, just made her hair darker and have a green tint to it. look im trying to make my designs have lots of whimsy

Quinn: you can tell with Quinn LMAO. i just felt like she needed to have a distinct look since she's a special npc n all :3 classic purple and green color scheme for a shady character

Bailey: i'm gonna be honest, i was originally gonna go with a mean asian mom look for Bailey but then i was like "....what if muscle mommy"

Remy: i wanted her to look like a little shit. that's all

Briar: tried to go for a bit of a Jessica Rabbit and Rarity type aura. i really like her design and she could put me in the underground brothel any day :3 /j

Leighton: just an old hag, nothing special

Harper: wanted to make her look a little inhuman??? i think i got it with how dead her skin looks idk. also wanted her to look like a little shit

Landry: here's where the asian mom look went. i like her and Mickey's dynamic and they both just look like regular people (better for crime)

Sirris: Sydney if she was older. idk what else i should've done lol

River: old lady :3 hot old lady :3c (pt 1)

Doren: i wanted her hair to look fluffy as hell

Winter: old lady :3 hot old lady :3c (pt 2)

Mason: SEAWEED HAIR. that's all

Charlie: wanted to embody :3c

Darryl: she's very cutie patootie to me so i made her a cute patootie

Sam: wanted her to look like candy kinda. idk :3

Niki: i only made her hair a little longer and no weird two layer thing for the short portion

Zephyr: wanted her to look smug and also kinda cute???? idk, i didn't really have a vision for her

Jordan: also didn't really have a vision for her, but it did want her to gave similar eyes to Quinn

Gwylan: her i did have a vision for :3c she's a cutie patootie, that's all :3

Wren: thought a side shave would make her look cooler

Mickey: hairstyle changed a little. other than that, not much changed

Morgan: still a wet rat

Ivory Wraith: nothing changed (they have special eyes tho)

91 notes · View notes

tarudce22 · 2 years

Text

I think i know what my dream job is now.....

It’s for things not to change how they currently are. Me staying a dependent under dad while i cook and clean the house for him, while get to do a garden every year, I get free time to do art and play games and explore hobbies every so often. I get to spend his days off with him. Get to be around my twin. I just get to exist........

I just want to spend my time with my family.....

#tarudce rants #But I know I can't.... I have to get a job at some point and it sucks #I think I also have some type of un-diagnose severe anxiety and depression #that making this all so much worse on top of how bad it is #honestly i need to have a breakdown #its the only why im gonna cry and NEED to cry #im just so close to bursting #i just want to exist and have a ok comfy life where i dont have to worry about money #not rich but just enough that have a good roof over my head food and clothes and can afford to mess around in a hobbie of two.....#I just want to live #im SO fucking happy where i am at in life right now beside my dad and my twin but i can keep this life up no matter how much i want to #how the world runs keeps me and us from doing so #and i hate so fucking much #i just want to be by my dad and my twins sides with out having to worry about insurance and money #im on a time limit i HAVE to get job in three years or i have no insurance #if i wait any longer i may never get a job #I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT #I JUST WANT TO SPEND MY TIME WITH MY FAMILY #i think this is my breakdown fuck i need it #i need to cry all this grief and anger out #i need to morn all that im slowly losing and can ignore any longer #I hope some day some how I'm able to get back to this place #i dont want to leave it #i dont want this to change #i dont want things to change #i want to keep existing like this

0 notes

melatien · 10 months

Text

My submission for @aimportantdragoncollector's trioholders event (bonus round)!!

they are at the beach

#why? to smash childrens sandcastles and so yoichi can force third to let him give him a sand mermaid tail #jk its because yoichis pale ass needs to photosynthesise #even just a smidge of tan would be a miracle #anyways it took me 16 days but i did it yall #im gonna go cry in a corner now this was a PAIN to draw #was nearly gonna draw thirds hand on yoichis waist but then i realised i'd have to draw hands 😔#i was gonna give yoichi sunglasses but i ran out of time (ironic isnt it)#i had to make sure my first proper piece with the third ofa user was immaculate. i simply had to go plus ultra on him #....then the abs came #suddenly my will to art vanished #dont ask what happend with yoichi.... i cannot explain this phenomenon/miracle #something snapped in me after all my horrible yoichi arts i did the previous month #third only took me 3 days to draw. BLAME YOICHI FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK!!!#his prettiness became the weakness for me finishing by the deadline #mha #shigaraki yoichi #yoichi shigaraki #one for all #my hero academia #first ofa user #third ofa user #my art #Three Weeks Of Trioholders #ichisan #i swear if i forgot a tag in here im gonna cry ITS TOO DAMN MANY #being someone that overdoes everything and is a artist AND writer is so painful. limits dont exist in the eyes of tien #just like sugis many ways to store me away #YEAH YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE HUH SUGI NOW EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR A VAULTER #i will escape from under your shoe. one day.

107 notes · View notes

townslore · 4 months

Text

discovery of the day

#im sorry i do Not see what everyone sees in this movie. although from the years of browsing the internet ive began to realize #that i actually dont know if people actually like the movie or not #why is everything so rushed #their romance felt like nothing to me because i dont KNOW what they see in eachother #listen you dont have to tell me straight up into the camera why they love eachother #but the aggressive kissing and cut sex scenes arent telling me much #i get that it came out in 2005 but cutting mostly every gay sex scene? even the kissing for the most part?#but oh we NEED to see this happy husband and wife doing it. yes im bitter #a german movie by the name of summer storm came out the year before this one and actually shows something that feels like actual passion #i sound like i need to see people doing it in these movies all the time I promise thats not it #but even the kissing? the thing i Actually like the most? the thing that makes me feel things? felt like nothing at all #and oh i forgot that this is a tragic gay movie where one of them dies. Oh yeah. forgot.#mentioning summer storm again: it actually has a relatively happy ending. feels good that i dont need to be reminded of how gay people are #doomed 24/7.#the romance started good. with jack telling the guy whos name i already forgot to get his ass in the tent already.#the Pulling his arm over my body thing. it was going great #THEN IT WENT SO FAST! WHY WAS HE SUDDENLY SO INTO IT! WHY WERE THEY BOTH SUDDENLY DOING IT #im sorry i expected a slighter slow burn than this!!! calm down cowboys i have no idea why you two like eachother all of the sudden!#i seriously thought they would show these little moments of tension #and it just growing bigger and bigger #until they couldnt take it anymore #that would explain the aggressiveness of it! why they were so desperate! but it literally just HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!#im sorry i. I expected more of this movie that i hear so much about.#the most it made me feel was at that moment that turned into a meme where i thought “Hop on fortnite”#chuckled. that was it. did i cry? did my heart race at any moment? was i worried about what was gonna happen? not Once #im so. Disappointed.#after this i wanted to watch summer storm but netflix removed it. Its a german only movie no one knows from 2004. where the hell am i gonna #🏴‍☠️ that #AAAGHHHH!!!!!!!#not being able to watch summer storm made me cry more than this movie did What the hell

4 notes · View notes

octarineblues · 20 days

Text

.

#hey guess who fucked up travel wise AGAIN #forgot my passport #am not at my place. or in my city.#tomorrow (today) instead of having a nice day and then a trip to tge airport and flying back home #(back to pl)#i'll be travelling back to my city. grabbing my passport. then going the long way to the airport.#fuck this sm i'm attending workshops and i'll miss the last day and i will have to explain to everyone why im leaving early cause they'll #be concerned #but also i won't be able to cause im leaving early and will only have like 15 min for breakfast and just. ah im gonna scream #scratch that im gonna cry #one professor i really wanted to talk to cause i am in a collaboration with him. so we will work in the same field for ages.#i'll have to explain to him why im leaving. but also i just really wanted to have a longer chat with him but he only came in this evening #and so now fuckkkkk #everyone will know and everyone will be concerned unless i tell everyone its just a stupid fucking passport. but everyone willl know #ok this is me talking to the void #i need ro go to sleep #wish me luck #personal #to delete #and also. i had to like agree to attend all days as a rule to partivipate in this thing cause of the funding #and like i know accidents happen and personal stuff happens but i feel really bad cause i agreed not to leave early #im blowing this out of proportion im sure it'll be fine & ppl will be concerned and helpful n not angry or whatever #but i just. wish i could go and not be perceived #fuck this #ok thats it im out

5 notes · View notes

iwakuraz · 20 days

Text

it'll all be okay because there's only one more day left in the school week and after that it'll be the weekend. wait no what do you mean after the weekend I'll just have to go back to school? what do you mean the cycle of going to school and coming back home completely worn out is gonna continue?

#mole talks #ive been back in school for..... one week.#im so tired i can't stop feeling tired all of the time now this is horrible #i have to walk around school so much and im forved to be around other people anf its just exhausting #for me school would be better if they removed all social aspects #and all you would have to do is work and you wouldn't have to see other people ever #(apart from the teacher who is teaching you about the subject)#because if theres no forced socialisation that also means....... my classmates would never be ableist towards me again #:[ i can't believe i have to continue going to school #and ill probably have to continue going for many years to come #i hate how much it wares me out. i was si productive during the summer but now im not at all #and i JUST started school. it only gets worse from here #i just wanna learn. i dont want some annoying kid to call me slurs #i dont want to wear a uniform that makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin #i dont wanna walk around the corridors feeling like everybody is staring at me and judging me #i dont want to go home feeling too weak and tired to do anything #i just want to learn stuff #i don't think i even really care about how going to school is good for my future because i don't know whats in the future for me #i just want to learn things in the present #:[#wow i have a lot of homework i need to do. i say i don't mind the work but i haven't finished all of this yet so maybe im just lying #im gonna cry. i dont want to go back to school tomorrow i dont want to be surronded by people who hate what i am #but also i dont want the teachers to infantalise me anymore! im not a kid. im 16. treat me like everybody else im not a kid #why am i crying into the tumblr void again

2 notes · View notes

nomairuins · 22 days

Text

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower #so thatll hopefuly be tmrw #i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in #the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk #i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating #1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like #We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex #and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on #schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk #it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything #which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it #but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become #nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless #and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep #schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i #dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite #of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better #i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish #my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just #say nothing. yay

2 notes · View notes

widevibratobitch · 4 months

Text

im gonna kms. i knew i was forgetting something. it was fucking mother's day and i forgot. i didnt even talk to my mom yesterday because i was in a whirlpool of hyperfixating on this stupid thesis. ffs i need to be put down.

#i should really fucking die how could i have forgotten #im gonna fucking cry. im the worst daughter ever #ffs why am i like this. why do i keep fucking up all the time constantly jesusssssss #she's MY responsibility now that her husband's gone and i cant even remember one day in a year #granted i did see her last week and gave her the present and apologised that i wont be able to be there on that day and she said its ok #but even so. jesus fucking christ i hate myself so much i need a fucking break i cant do this anymore. this. on top of everything this.#im so fucking alone in this. i know i keep saying it over and over again but the knowledge that im the only one she has left #and the responsibility that goes with it. it's so overwhelming.

2 notes · View notes

prestonmonterey · 7 months

Text

ughhhh someone kill me i think i might like stay on the third floor today i actually cant deal with her today

#marble musings #vent #shes the only person in my 'friend' group who has the same free block as me #and shes actually a nightmare to be around #im always worried shes gonna take my stuff #(she likes taking my wolf from my hands and my cat ears off my head #and laughs it off as a joke even after i tell her not to??)#and i cant even escape her bc the new friend group that im kind of maybe a part of #she just shows up sometimes #and its awful bc ive seen her make some of my friends uncomfortable and is entirely unapologetic about it #and shes really loud and makes everything about herself and makes conversations impossible #and its annoying bc she kept complaining about not being able to talk to me during free block bc i have headphones on #to listen to music and/or do work #and i was like #'ok you can talk to me if you want idc'#and now she talks to me nonstop during free block regardless of if i tell her i need to get work done #and her existence just kinda stresses me out #but ive never found the right time to tell her to stop #and i cant sit inside where all the tables are bc we usually sit there #and i cant sit outside bc its prolly wet and also she'll find me #and idk if im even allowed to sit upstairs but i kinda have to bc i really dont want to deal with her today #i need like a proper excuse for why im wearing headphones #she doesnt care that i listen to podcasts #and i don have anything to edit #ummmm #i don actually have any hw other than like studying for my math test #fuck ok i guess ill do that #idk what class shes in #umm #if shes also in honors ill cry

3 notes · View notes

princessmyriad · 7 months

Text

.

#i cant do it i cant any more im worn out!! and i know i have no right to be!#ive been worn out for a long time. i know everyone has. i know i cant take a break from the internet because Palestine still needs coverage #and now with the *drama* happening on tumblr. i dont want to tag it i dont want o be delet but you know the one #feels fucked to even have to call it drama but im one blog. im one little blog and im gonna be devastated if i get got for speaking out #ive had one blog removed by an authority figure it was soul crushing and i only had that one for like 3 years #this is over a decade of my life. if its gone my soul goes with it so i cant risk speakin out in any way that matters or is too conspicuous #but its all just too much. i need to go grocery shopping and it feels hard and bad. i try to come to my one safe place on the internet #to give me courage but its just post after post about more bad news. i saw a photo of a group of soldiers smiling and laughing #about murdering diabled people and taking their walking aides. i know the captions were people saying how horrible those soldiers were #and the active participation in ending diabled lives those soldiers had to take those photos and im just. why was it posted at all #we know the worlds bad. we know. why are you giving these people more publicity. i dont want to see that sickening smile #i just cant any more. i cant deal with anything its all too much its too much on a personal note and its too much internet wide #but i cant complain about it because im not the one being actievly genocided or harrased and i also cant leave because the people who are #need as much support as they can get and i want to support. i want to help #idk idk im crying im stuck i just wanna be able to get groceries but everything real life and internet is too fucking much

2 notes · View notes

orcelito · 9 months

Text

Ok triple vaccine is kicking my ass. Now. I am.now grateful that I scheduled it with a day off after

#speculation nation #negative/#i will be real this is genuinely one of the worst pains of my life #but to.make matters worse. my period started :/ so im dealing with first day cramps of Those #i got only 4 hours of sleep bc despite taking a melatonin i just Could Not Fall Asleep #my feet and legs were so very cold that even 45 minutes under a hot pad still hadnt warmed them #it took hours before i felt like i could remove it. idk how long exactly id finally fallen asleep #but june wouldnt stop crying until eventually she came up to bed #and poor sweet girl did her normal thing of climbing on me. which is usually fine.#but she stepped on my arm and. hhhhhholy shit lmfao That had to be one of the worst pains of my life.#like a 7 or maybe even an 8. right now doijg nothing id say its a 5 #i need to take ibuprofen but i need to get some food in me first #which. oh yeah. i got out of bed to try to eat a bit so i could take some ibuprofen. ended up lightheaded as fuck #had to sit down several times. until at one point i got hit with a spell so bad i was Convinced i was gonna throw up #sat beside the toilet with a cold sweat as i waited for the nausea to subside.#i was gonna have corn dogs for a small meal. they r in the microwave even. but rn i am.just gingerly sipping on an Ensure #with a plastic bag beside me lol. just in case. bc i dont fuck with nausea risks man i am.not puking on my floor.#eurgh why did my.body decide to make things worse for me.... this Sucks #emetophobia/

4 notes · View notes

catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 1 year

Text

goodnight

#off to bed and we. shall see. if i keep my streak. i desperately hope i do.#but oh God help me it's hard #i ust want to harm so bad #well really i want to do more than harm but i Won't #i am so tired from work lately #ransom has her first vet appointment tomorrow #i have work tomorrow #it just #all stacking up i don't even know #had mildly difficult/thought provokin convo today #aaaaa i want to jump off my balcony #of course i won't i definitely won't but i Want To #gah i can't even explain why im feeling like this ugh hate it #puddleglum hours #i really need a decent cry but it's all bottled up inside me and the only way i know of releasing that in the way it feelin now is to harm #tw sh #ive been nearly ten and a half days i want to get to at least a fortnight #hmmm gonna bring puter to bed so i can listne to music real quiet tho bc i lost my headphones idk where htey are #watch me Not get much sleep huh #a dnthen be unfit for work tomorrow? its more likely tha you think #i also wish i had a lighter i need to acquire one next time im getting petrol #(no im not a smoker. just a pyromaniac.)#(mostly i have a healthy enough fear of fire after dressing a nasty burn wound on placement last y that i probably wouldn't harm using fire #probably.)#i dont know in my head is all ajumbled mess and i dont see how i am to keep going #and every time i say that i keep going anyhow and that thought makes it feel like im overreacting to all this which. of course i am.#nothin but a fool a very tired helpless useless one #was playing the piano earlier. played a movt from a concerto to which ive set words to a section at least (not the full thing yet)#'and though the night seems endless/until the storm has passed/still i will hope in God my trust/i will follow him'#my favourite lines from that

11 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 1 year

Text

i think i would have gone loco if jo and aoki got to meet up just once after ichi breaks through to him like. the damage to my psyche id have wouldve been immeasurable, irreparable even

#snap chats #im at the vet waiting for my dog please listen to shit thats been tormenting me for months #finally releasing all of my drafted thoughts im ill and im free #srry i know i talked bout it already in todays ask but im still thinking about it #this is also inspod by one of my twitter mutuals saying aoki’s death was the only foreseeable path for him like girl i thought we were fam #but no 😭 ill stand by forever that him dying was legit so dumb and unnecessary idc idc 😭#anyway. let me begin. because its not as if aoki wasnt conscious of jo constantly tailing him #take a shot every time i quote the Lost Dog comment its just such a good line and just exposes jo its my everything ok leave me alone #but please just like. in the weird timeline where jo and aoki did get to be cellmates- or at least were in the same cell block right #id throw up and cry if aoki looked at jo differently that day. like it doesnt help that jo’s without all his flash and flair #hes just in slacks and his hairs all tussled and he just looks So Normal. like hes Not a murderer #as soon as that warden bring aoki in i know jo movin to see him with all the love and concern only a father got #aokid never say sorry i just know hed be awkward as hell in jo’s presence now #like if aoki really did take ichis words to heart and starts to actually see jo as his family and as someone who cares about him for him #id kill myself on the spot thats why they had to kill aoki #no id die and throw up if aoki just outright asks jo if he does care about him or something like that #jo gonna need to muster up every ounce of his will to say he does not because he doesnt but because hes Just Like That. hes a hard nut #but he loves his kid more than anything and im gonna tear my organs out thinking about it #jo your kid sucks but ik you still love him thats the worst part #i wanna write or draw somethin with them in jail together so bad but i always get distracted #and again i have comms to do today.#OH BUT SPEAKING OF MY DUMB ASS DOG GOT LYME DISEASE 😭😭😭#they said he should be fine in like six months if we’re good with meds but still.... this is lame.....#ALSO I FOUND OUT MY POM MIX IS PREDOMINANTLY A PAPILLON..... thats fucked up yo butterfly dog...#ok im gonna go be insane idk how much else i could elaborate on this bye bye

6 notes · View notes

skyllion-uwu · 1 year

Text

.

#veronica told me charlie got adopted #i think im the only one in the family who really loved him but still i wanted him so badly #this is so stupid to be upset over im already getting two cats and maybe a third why would i have needed another #i know hes gonna go to a good home but its just like 'okay cool all the time i spent trying to convince my parents he loves us is wasted'#i still wouldve been his friend and stuff but i wish the employee hadnt suggested it because my heart was set #i bet i jinxed it. i kept drawing charlie with the other cats in hopes of guaranteeing hed come home with them #but then i didnt bring those items home so i basically left him behind. alright that makes sense i doomed him. im sorry charlie #i cant even cry but i feel fucking miserable and i have an infusion today so i have to go out. hell world #sky vents like amogus #edit: she said he already went home fuck this stupid world

2 notes · View notes

samwisefamgee · 2 years

Text

how does this week keep getting worse wtf

#this is. so fucking unbearable #the tinnitus makes me want to blow my fucking brains out i dont know why it got so much violently worse so fast #but i guess its like this forever now! and it only gets worse!#i thought id be able to deal with it but if it gets this much worse at this rate im so fuxking dead lol this is insanity #i cant take it on top of everything everything EVERYTHING else if god wants me dead this fucking bad she'll get it #life hasnt been worth it for 12 fucking years it CERTAINLY isnt worth it now that im blinder balder in more.pain and.crazier than ever #and the tinnitus makes the screaming in my head eternal #girl theres no point it just hurts to be alive #i cant pay to fix a single one of my problems and ill need tens of thousands of dollars to even kind of fix all of them #i never got to start my life #i never will. not as the person i was. or ever wanted to be. or even close. ive physically and mentally lost too much to do what id planned #and now i cant even live in peace normally even if i were able to 'fix' everything so much of this is permanent and degenerative #spent 24 years giving everything to my family and they returned the favor by leaving me in a rotting box to die and i let it work lol #only took abouy a year and a half too #my dad's family killed off their mentally ill youngest of six WAY faster than it took em to get to me so i guess they got rusty #anyway i love when the all consuming despair comes back im gonna go cry for a bit and hopefully fall back to sleep

2 notes · View notes

nomairuins · 2 months

Text

i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing #but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day #while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes #and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her #but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work #and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to #but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat #what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me #and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even #b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it #i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified #theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying #but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly #idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me #me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in #that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i #saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage #for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god #idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week #and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice #i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel #hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in #touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment #a2t #i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it #graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol

3 notes · View notes