#just some diary posting

[prideandpen]

not to be all boo-hoo my dad died and now i’ll never be happy again because like. obviously that’s not true. but like. im so fucking angry. if there was one good thing this year gave me it was the acceptance that I do still want to write to publish and make something of myself as an author and i had been intending on really trying to figure out how to make that happen and now? now I have been without a job since june when i left my shit retail job and been dragging my feet on finding a new one because i have been so incredibly fortunate enough to be able to live with parents who haven’t needed or expected me to put up rent

and i really thought that maybe 2023 was going to be my year, because it couldn’t possibly be worse than the bullshit ive been through this year. and now my dad is dead. and not only is that so painful because of all the things I probably should have done differently and because his doctors basically killed him by being careless and negligent and not very good people doctors but also because even with my brother moving back in im really going to have to try and find my footing again in a job im all but guaranteed to hate and struggle in which will no doubt wreck my energy and ability to create.

i really thought for a while that maybe I was finally getting closer to being happy. like generally as a whole happy - like with my life instead of good moments and good times in the midst of everything being a struggle. i thought i was going to find my way. thought that in six months I’ll be thirty and finally fucking free of my twenties and it’s got to get better, right? because i’ve been trying and putting in the work to get better and be better. and the last ten years have been such a constant challenge and now i have to turn 30 without my Dad. how can i be excited to move on to the next part of my life, the part that I thought was going to be progress and movement and finally finding the light at the end of a very long tunnel. it’s such a fucking joke like. am i just not supposed to be happy in this lifetime? is that it? i exist to keep the peace and slog through and enjoy nothing but moments and things and never find contentment? i’ll do it but it’s so fucking ridiculous any time i ever start feeling like maybe there’s a chance for me, maybe i can do it, other people get to be happy, get to be content, get to be someone or make something of their lives i am proven wrong.

my journals have years worth of entries that end with the determination to be hopeful that slowly achingly slowly morphed into the decision to believe rather than just hope. and i just don’t see the point any more when all it ever gets me is a new hole to dig myself out of

i don’t know what im doing with my life. i never have. and now it’s like life is just doing away with me because i couldn’t figure it out in time. just gonna shuffle me away into the corner somewhere to let me gather dust like a forgotten project. Even if I do somehow figure out now it’s always going to be a little bitter

[girlbossagenda]

HOW TO GET A GLOW UP

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

I used to be the ugly dunklin, till I change in 1 week and turned pretty much half of my life upside down, it happened right after my 16th catastrophic birthday, at the time I was already following Liz and her tips which helped me so much!! So here how to glow up in minimum 1 week

౨ৎsmell good౨ৎ

This is so important, I noticed how people react to good smelling people, they just say it out loud how much they like the fragrance, knowning that it's you, will just make you more approacable, it boosts your confidence and overl all more liked

౨ৎexercise + diet౨ৎ

This was huge for me, not only it imroves your moods but it also makes your prettier, you need to fist know what goals you want to archive physically, if you want a bigger butt, eggs and potatoes salad can be a good alternative, if you want to have a snatched waist try to do more cardio, at the time the only cardio I used to do was jump roping, which is amazing!!

౨ৎwardrobe౨ৎ

This was the revolution, just dress how ou want each outfit can have at max 2 trendy elements, not more, and the rest it needs to rappresnt YOUR personality!! This is going to make you unique and recognizable!! Also I suggest to go shopping on friday lol, the beauty day!

౨ৎmentality౨ৎ

This is how everything started, a munch of motivational viddeos, the wizard liz and confidence targetting posts, moodboards and much more, at the time I was getting treated really harshly from my classmates, it was probably one of thelowest point of my life, bit I pick myself up, cause I had a goal: Changing my narrative.

There was not sense into staying bitter and hating not only myself but the world around, I wanted to prove to myself that I actually mettered, you don't glow up for other, but for yourself, never, ever welcome in your life people that before put you under the rug, have some respect for yourself and clear boundaries.

Hi bonitas I hope you liked this short post, This is just part of my expereince, tell me if you want to know more + other tips!! maybe I'll make a longer version in the future, Have a great day xoxo gougeous

-𝓐

[crushing-on-nico-di-angelo]

2023

invitation, mary oliver // the unabridged journals, sylvia plath // happy xmas, john lennon // north country, mary oliver // i am running into a new year, lucille clifton // salt, nayyirah waheed // diaries of franz kafka // bird by bird, anne lamott // sunrise, louise glück

[do-rey-me]

if murderbot learned what autism was i truly believe itd go "wow humans are so ridiculous they cant even agree on their own stupid human social rules" and then never think about that or its possible relation to its own behaviors ever again

[asterlark]

me and den @unloneliest were just talking about murderbot and ART's relationship and i want to discuss how they quite literally complete each other's sensory and emotional experience of the world!!

there's a few great posts on here such as this one about how murderbot uses drones to fully and properly experience the world around it (it also accesses security cameras/other systems for this same purpose). but i haven't seen anyone so far talk about how once MB stops working for the company and consequently doesn't have a hubsystem/secsystem to connect to anymore (which for its entire existence up to that point had been how it was used to interacting with its environment/doing its job), after it meets ART, ART starts to fill that gap.

ART gives MB access to more cameras, systems, and information archives than it would normally be able to connect with while MB is on its own outside of ART's... body(? lol), but also directly gives MB access to its own cameras, drones, archives, facilities, and processing space. additionally, so much of ART's function is dedicated to analysis, lateral thinking, and logical reasoning, and it not only uses those skills in service of reaching murderbot's goals, it teaches murderbot how to use those same skills. (ART might be a bit of an asshole about how it does this, but that doesn't negate just how much it does for murderbot for no reason other than it's bored/interested in MB as an individual.)

we all love goofing about how artificial condition can basically be boiled down to "two robots in a trench coat trying to get through a job interview" (which is entirely accurate tbh) but that's also such a great example of ART fulfilling the role of both murderbot's "hubsystem" and "secsystem", allowing it to fully experience its environment/ succeed in its goals. ART provides MB with crucial information, context, and constructive criticism, and uses its significant processing power to act as MB's backup and support system while they work together.

from ART's side of things, we get a very explicit explanation of how it needs the context of murderbot's emotional reactions to media in order to fully understand and experience the media as intended. it tried to watch media with its humans, and it didn't completely understand just by studying their reactions. but when it's in a feed connection with murderbot, who isn't human but has human neural tissue, ART is finally able to thoroughly process the emotional aspects of media (side note, once it actually understands the emotional stakes in a way that makes sense for it, it's so frightened by the possibility of the fictional ship/crew in worldhoppers being catastrophically injured or killed that it makes murderbot pause for a significant amount of time before it feels prepared to go on. like!! ART really fucking loves its crew, that is all).

looking at things further from ART's perspective: its relationship with murderbot is ostensibly the very first relationship it's been able to establish with not only someone outside of its crew, but also with any construct at all. while ART loves its crew very much (see previous point re: being so so scared for the fate of the fictional crew of worldhoppers), it never had a choice in forming relationships with them. it was quite literally programmed to build those relationships with its crew and students. ART loves its function, its job, and nearly all of the humans that spend time inside of it, but its relationship with murderbot is the first time it's able to choose to make a new friend. that new friend is also someone who, due to its partial machine intelligence, is able to understand and know ART on a whole other level of intimacy that humans simply aren't capable of. (that part goes for murderbot, too, obviously; ART is its first actual friend outside of the presaux team, and its first bot friend ever.)

and because murderbot is murderbot, and not a "nice/polite to ART most of the time" human, this is also one of the first times that ART gets real feedback from a friend about the ways that its actions impact others. after the whole situation in network effect, when the truth of the kidnapping comes to light and murderbot hides in the bathroom refusing to talk to ART (and admittedly ART doesn't handle this well lol) - ART is forced to confront that despite it making the only call it felt able to make in that horrifying situation, despite it thinking that that was the right call, its actions hurt murderbot, and several other humans were caught in the crossfire. what's most scary to ART in that moment is the idea that murderbot might never forgive it, might never want to talk to it again. it's already so attached to this friendship, so concerned with murderbot's wellbeing, that the thought of that friendship being over because of its own behavior is terrifying. (to me, this almost mirrors murderbot's complete emotional collapse when it thinks that ART has been killed. the other more overt mirror is ART fully intending on bombing the colony to get murderbot back.)

in den's words, they both increase the other's capacity to feel: ART by acting as a part of murderbot's sensory system, and murderbot by acting as a means by which ART can access emotion. they love one another so much they would do pretty much anything to keep each other safe/avenge each other, but what's more, they unequivocally make each other more whole.

[pbnmj]

grab that toothbrush dattebayo moment

[badolmen]

RIP to all of the British people who have to deal with the BBC/national officials shutting the country down the next few weeks that’s gonna be rough.

[mcdgarroth]

Aphmau: Zane is going to try to start a war with us we need to-

Laurance with his new blue eyes:

[halsaph]

Something I haven't seen anyone else point out but is soooooo important to me is the progression from "dont ever touch me again" in NE to Amena being allowed to play with Murderbot's hair to try to make it feel better in System Collapse

[coquelicoq]

we get a lot of really great stuff in system collapse about murderbot's relationships with ART and ratthi, which makes sense, because it spends almost the entire book with them. but i also love how even though mensah isn't there for most of the story, other people keep reminding mb of her:

chapter 2, page 25: “From ART’s personnel file, she [Karime] was older than Mensah and she didn’t look like an intrepid space explorer, either, even in the protective environmental suit.”

2, 27: “It took Karime three seconds to process the abrupt statement. (She was almost as good at not looking annoyed as Mensah was.) She kept her expression neutral and patient.”

2, 28: “In the underground colony room, Karime lifted her brows. ‘Another occupied site?’ I thought she was being careful not to show too much reaction. It was the way Mensah would have played it.”

4, 70: “Iris looked at me and I saw her hesitate, because her hesitation looked a lot like Dr. Mensah’s hesitation. And I realized I really didn’t want to go down there.”

5, 104: "Iris has that same thing as Dr. Mensah, the thing where she’s able to look and sound calm under circumstances where shit is possibly about to go down.”

it's spent so much time with her and it knows her so well and respects her so much that she's the model against which it compares all other humans. it thinks about her when they're not together. it's protective of her. it has such total faith in her competence. it (non-romantically) loves her and doesn't want to not see her again. idk man, it just gets to me! and they were teammates (oh my god they were teammates!!)

bonus:

I said, aloud, "You have to be kidding me." (ch. 2, p. 28)

seven pages later, in reaction to the same thing:

Mensah had had time to review the feed video. She muttered, "Oh, you have to be kidding me." Yeah.

twinsies 🥰

[midnightclover]

Summon Night: Swordcraft Story (ATLUS, 2003)

[marblerose-rue]

click for better quality!!

here are my full designs for these two <3

[laurancezvahlslefteyebrow]

Guys I thought of a fic idea:

So imagine this, if you will: It takes place season 3, when they go to find Laurance in the Nether. It’s during their escape. Everyone makes it out until one of them is grabbed. Garroth.

He’s trying to fight, to get away but there’s just too many of them. Shadow Knights had managed to grab him and now they’re planning on transforming him. One of Laurance’s spies sees this happen and alerts him.

Now Laurance has to rescue Garroth. He has to stop Garroth from becoming like him. He can’t let it happen to someone else.

[sugarcandydoll]

is it just me or are family vacays overwhelming af ♡😣💕

[platoapproved]

[milflewis]

if you ever wonder why i am the way i am just know that my house is blacklisted by the local christian fundamentalists, protestants, jehovah’s witnesses and the quaker community and it is all because none of them want anything to do with my dad. he is That annoying and pedantic and will stand there in the cold to argue with you