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itgirlification · 4 years

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supermodel | jjk

the last three months have been hell for you, but Jungkook seemed to be living his best life.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: explicit mentions of body image and insecurities, infidelity, anal sex, oral (male receive), foul language (kinda), etc.

now playing: supermodel by sza

part two part three

Exactly three months ago, your and Jungkook’s 2 years relationship officially ended. Unofficially, it ended about 5 months ago. And for about one month now, Jungkook’s been seeing someone else.

Your heart and mind told you not to do it but you couldn’t help calculating. Three months ago, you were still dating, two months later, he started dating someone else. That must mean he’s known her for a while. Did he cheat on you with her? Well, it’s not like it matters now anyway, does it?

Her name was Yuki, an undeniable Japanese beauty. You were still in college, studying music and she was a famous model who appeared in internationally known magazines. You assumed she met Jungkook during a photoshoot since he was a professional photographer who often worked for companies like Vogue and Playboy. You couldn’t help but compare yourself to her.

It wasn’t the fact that he moved on so quickly that hurt you the most. It was the fact that he knew all about your low self-esteem and how you lack confidence. Especially about your body. And he still went and dated a model, of all professions in the world. He was definitely over you.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he did it on purpose. But thankfully, you knew better, he looked too happy for that to be even considered. He forgot about you.

You’re making yourself sadder by remembering all the times he assured you you were beautiful and your body was nothing to be ashamed of. The times he let his fingertips run over the lines of your stretch marks, whispering in your ear how much he loved them and how they reminded him of Tiger stripes. The times he caressed your jiggly thighs and told you how sexy he thought they were.

Then your mind would drift back to the phone in your hand, the Instagram page of Yuki Sakurai opened, careful not to accidentally like anything and expose yourself. Not that she’d notice anyway, she had 3.7 million followers, while you had a private one with 500 followers and no posts, and she gets around 300 to 700 thousand likes on each post, depending on whether she posts random photos or pretty pictures of herself. Or newly, your ex-boyfriend, Jungkook. Oh, how crazy everybody goes whenever she posts him. People love them together. You couldn’t blame them. Two attractive people? Of course, they’re gonna look great together.

Fucking great.

That the end of your relationship with Jungkook would look like this was semi-predictable from the beginning. He did admit to you that he never thought he’d date someone that looked like you when you first dated. And your heart broke a little. But he also made up for it in those two years, it was a beautiful relationship nonetheless.

While you weren’t exactly his ‘ideal’ type, he was definitely yours. You always heard from other women ‘when in a relationship, the man always has to love the woman more than she loves him. Otherwise, it won’t work.’ You never really got the saying until your breakup with Jungkook happened. It was the fact that you clearly loved Jungkook more than he loved you that lead to this.

“Oh my goodness!”, your roommate, Jane, dramatically exclaimed. “Will you stop feeling bad for yourself and do something? That’s not what hot girls do, sis.”

Jane was a lovely girl with a not so lovely temper. She always means well and you got along perfectly as soon as you met. Which was around 3 and a half years ago.

She looked over your shoulder to see what you were looking at. You obviously didn’t want her to see you snooping around your ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend’s Instagram but it was too late.

“Seriously, yn?”, she took your phone in her hand and threw it on the bed. “Let’s go somewhere, you can’t do this to yourself anymore. I’m not letting you.”

Jane was clearly worried about you at this point. The only thing you did these last few weeks was eating, shower, cry, sleep and miss a whole bunch of classes. This wasn’t good at all.

“Where?”, your question was short.

“To the mall? Or the nail studio? Anything that’ll get you out of this fucking dormitory.”, Jane sighed, pulling the blanket off of you, making you whine a little. “C’mon, go put on some cute outfit and we’ll go.”

You felt bad since she was trying hard to make you feel better. But it didn’t really work.

You nodded, standing up from the bed, nonetheless. You picked out a cute two-piece dress, that brought back blurred memories of the time you went on a date with Jungkook, wearing the same two-piece. Bet Yuki would look cuter in this...

‘Shut your petty ass up, yn. It’s embarrassing, the way you’re stuck on a taken guy who wants nothing to do with you’

You wish you could change the way you think, even if it’s just for an hour or two. You wish you would stop imagining Jungkook judging you when he saw you naked or when you told him that you wished you could cut off some of your fat with a pair of scissors.

You were beyond ashamed of yourself. Why wasn’t it easy for you to just stay by yourself? why were you so desperately in need of Jungkook by your side to the point where you’d lock yourself in your room for a month just because he isn’t there?

You needed Jungkook. You became so attached to him in those two years, because you always saw him as a permanent, a forever. Not just a temporary, not just a distant memory. You already saw him as the father of your children, as the man you’re gonna marry.

You were so blinded by the fact that you had him, that you forgot you could lose him anytime.

“I’m done, let’s go.”, unenthusiastically, you announced to Jane, who was already waiting for you.

“Let’s get the fuck outta here!”, In contrast to your spirit, hers seemed to be all roses and daisies. “Lord knows you need it...”

__________

“Look at this cute ass skirt, girl”, Jane pointed at a chic, wine mini skirt she was holding. “You know, when I saw it back there I wanted to have it, but it’d look so much better on you”

You took a few seconds to admire Jane’s beauty. She was about 3 cm taller than you, had a great posture, and almond, dark brown eyes that suited her dark skin tone perfectly. Her body leaned more towards the slimmer side.

“Shut up! No, it would not”, you let out a small giggle. “It would look gorgeous on you, buy it.”

She smiled a little at your laughs. She was happy to see you at least a little cheerful again. “Yeah, but I think it’d look better on you. I’m entitled to my own opinion, am I not?”

You knew this debate was gonna go back and forth, because of her stubbornness. “Let’s both buy the skirt.”

You ended up doing so, added by a bunch of bags full of clothing. This may’ve turned into your new coping mechanism. Who needed therapy when you can go on a shopping spree?

Two hours were spent in boutiques and clothing stores and Jane decided she was tired, wanting to visit the local spa.

“No, seriously, these Riverdale seasons just keep on getting worse and worse. Netflix needs to step up their game ASAP”, Jane ranted, making you laugh at how serious she takes it. “It’s getting embarrassing. I’m being for real.”

The two of you were sitting in the whirlpool at the spa, relaxing your whole bodies a little.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I don’t watch these new Netflix shows anyways. Been stuck on the vampire diaries for the last 7 years”, you chuckled, knowing you hated trying new things. “Can you pass me one of those magazines?”

Jane nodded, grabbing a random one from the table next to her and handed it to you, without looking at it.

The cover of it caught your eyes immediately. How could it not, when your ex’s new girl looks absolutely dazzling on the front page of it.

‘Supermodel Yuki Sakurai talks summer fashion tips, struggle with self-love and most importantly, her hot, new boyfriend the media is going crazy over’ was the headline of the Harper’s Bazaar Magazine cover.

You felt your stomach getting sick and your breath getting heavier, but you still flipped the pages until you found the one with her interview. You began reading it, skipping the boring parts.

‘Int: so, we see you have a new boyfriend. Tell us, how did you guys meet?

Yuki: Yeah, he’s an amazing guy. We actually met about six or five months ago at one of my photoshoots, since he’s a photographer and we exchanged numbers and stuff, and then we made it official mid last month.’

About six or five months ago? You were with him back then, but her answer was too unclear to find out if he cheated or not.

“Woah, yn, you okay?”

You entirely forgot about the fact that you were with Jane, let alone somewhere other than your bed.

Before you could react, Jane snatched the magazine out of your hand.

“You really can’t escape them, huh?”, She sighs, taking you in her arm. “It’s gonna be okay, baby. In a few months, you’re gonna look back to this and think wow I really was stuck on a guy who’s scared of microwaves and cried like a bitch when Iron Man died.”

You laughed, punching her arm playfully. “You know, I actually love these things about him. Shows his sensitivity and the way he perceives things.”

Jane looked at you as if she didn’t believe you were actually saying that stuff. “Girl, you’re overanalyzing this. Let’s just throw this shit in the trash, okay?”

She put the magazine aside.

“I just don't know what I did wrong.”, You murmured. “I know we weren't the best, but we didn't even fight that much. We could’ve talked it through.”

Jane pursed her lips and cooed. “You know, relationships are complicated sometimes. The reason why he broke up, to begin with, is probably not your fault.”

“Well, what if it is? I mean what if I was too fat or too ugly for him?”, you asked. “If he wanted a skinny girl so bad, I could’ve lost weight for him, I don’t get it.”

Jane looked at you like you lost your mind entirely. “I can’t believe you just said that! Even if that was the reason, which it wasn’t, you shouldn’t make yourself suffer because of it. That’s his loss. You’re beyond gorgeous and you have an amazing body.”

“You’re just saying that.”, tears slowly started coming up in your eyes. “But the thing is Jungkook knows all about my insecurities. Why would he do that to me? I know he knows that I’m still not over him.”

You usually didn’t like crying in front of other people, but you didn’t really care at the moment, besides that was Jane. You trusted her with your life.

“Girl, men are trash, I can’t believe you’re crying over one right now, seriously.”, she wiped your tears and held your face between her hands. “You know, honestly, I’ve read so many articles about how models actually hate themselves and have like the lowest self-esteem so in conclusion, no matter how miserable you are, his new girl is even more miserable.”

You knew Jane didn’t mean it in a harmful way, but it sounded harsher than needed. “I don’t hate her, she probably doesn’t even know about me. I’m just really insecure. He upgraded from me. He’s dating a whole model now.”

The situation just felt like a deja vu of these last few weeks laying in your bed, even though you were at the spa with your friend. You were supposed to have fun, yet you didn’t feel like having any.

“Why would you feel insecure when all you’ve seen of her are Instagram posts and red carpet pictures? She’s supposed to look beautiful, it’s her job.”

To a certain extent, Jane was right, but that didn’t really help your situation, you still felt bad about yourself. You stayed silent.

“C’mon, this isn’t fun anymore. Let’s leave.”, Jane mumbled.

_______

it’s been two days since the incident at the spa and you felt a little bit better now.

Those days were spent reading the same three book series you’ve read your entire life, overthinking, hot Cheetos, Indian takeout, and Netflix. It really wasn’t as miserable as it sounded.

You were just taking a little rest before term break ends and you have to go back to the shithole college again.

Jane was using the time until college starts again, but in different ways than you were. She was planning on going to some frat party in an hour and forget about the world’ for a minute. Or till 4 in the morning, where she will most likely drunk call you and ask you for a ride back to the dorms, because the friends she went to the party with were shit-faced as well and were in no way capable of driving anywhere without the cops stopping them.

Going out partying on a Friday night was a Jane tradition. In the past, you’d sometimes go with her, but you mostly spent your time out with Jungkook doing something more fun than partying could ever be. Now you can’t do that anymore, but laying in bed is more ideal than a party for you at the moment.

“How do I look?”, Jane twirled around to show off her black cocktail dress. She looked beautiful.

“You look beautiful.”, you responded to her question. “Are you leaving now?”

“Hm”, she said, to which you nodded. “You sure you don’t wanna come with me? It’s gonna be really fun.”

You shook your head no.

“Alright”, she shrugged, making her way out of your bedroom. “But I told you, it’s gonna be fun.”

You chuckled, rolling your eyes. “I’ll stay here, I have shit to do.”

“Yeah, right, like binge-watching the vampire diaries and taking 5-hour naps”, she said in a sarcastic tone. “Anyway, bye-bye, Vic’s already waiting for me in the car.”

Victoria was perhaps one of the most obnoxious people you know, yet she was too much of a nice person for you to talk shit about her. The voice of your intrusive thoughts couldn’t help but to, though.

“Alright, bye, take care and say hi to Vic from me.”

After Jane left, an hour went by like it was just a couple of minutes. You were starting to get real bored and decided to watch some regular tv in hopes to find something you enjoy. You ended up not finding anything fun, but you still watched it, because you didn’t have anything else to do.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang and you were suddenly worried. Either this is a serial killer or Jane forgot something.

But to your surprise, it was neither, but it was none other than

“Jungkook?”, truly, those were the only words you were able to mutter out at your shocked state. “What are you do-“

At the speed of light, you were interrupted by your ex-boyfriend pressing his lips to yours. He didn’t say a word.

You weren’t expecting him. Not knowing how you were supposed to feel at the moment, you just let it happen. You were sure your mental state couldn’t get any worse than that, no matter how this will affect you in the end.

“Is Jane home?”, for the first time in 3 months, you’re hearing his silky voice again.

Jungkook knew Jane always had some type of special hatred for him with her killing stares and her bitter comments. You didn’t notice either though.

He also knew she must hate him even more after your breakup. Or maybe she liked him more now since she was able to get rid of him without killing anyone.

“No”, your answer was short and it made a weight fall from Jungkook’s shoulders before he continued kissing you.

It wasn’t anything you haven’t done before, yet it felt like it’s been ages since it last happened. Your mind drifted to the thought of Jungkook and his model girlfriend. You were asking yourself what their sex life was like, if she was tighter than you or if she had stretch marks and scars.

Jungkook’s lips were moving south, giving your neck wet kisses, while you were wondering why he broke up with his model girlfriend. Or if he even did. You felt selfish for not caring.

Removing your clothes one by one, you were left in your underwear, while Jungkook only had his boxers on.

This body was yours. You knew it inside out. Where he liked to get touched and where he preferred not to. You knew him better than anyone else. You were sure.

You already moved to your bedroom, since Jungkook effortlessly carried you there. You were sat on his lap, facing him and your hands were in his messy hair. His hands were around your waist, he was slightly smiling into the kiss, as you started grinding on him. He loved how easy it was for him to turn you on. You were still his.

Cutting off the kiss, he looked you in the eyes, while his hand was on your cheek. “Say aah.”, he said.

You widened your mouth obediently, which was followed by him collecting as much saliva as he could in his mouth and spitting it into your mouth.

“Swallow.”, demanding, he spit on your face, his eyes become darker with every passing moment. You did as he said.

You looked at him with big eyes. He knew you loved it. You’ve always had a thing for him degrading and humiliating you during sex.

He started grinding on you almost desperately. You knew exactly what he wanted.

Getting out of his grip, you dropped to your knees and freed his hard dick from his drawers. You reached for it and started pumping it, and licking it. Your spit was leaking down his dick as you used it for lubrication. Then you started sucking on it, just the way you used to.

Jungkook’s groans and satisfied sighs were enough to make you even wetter than before. You enjoyed giving more than receiving.

Your mouth was wet and warm around him, giving him a feeling of familiarity. You lick over the tip a few times, then proceed to fully take him into your mouth.

The bulge in your throat could be seen and the way your eyes were tearing up a little wasn’t bothering you at all. You loved giving.

Jungkook started thrusting in and out of your warm, welcoming mouth, his tip hitting the back of your throat multiple times.

“Fuck”, a throaty moan left Jungkook’s mouth, giving you hints that he was about to cum. And he did, releasing in your mouth before you swallowed it. “Shit, baby, that was so good.”

You felt your face heat up and a sheepish smile made its way to your face. Your throat was sore.

The two of you were on the bed again. To you, it felt like it was the times before your breakup again, when you’d purposely start an argument just for the makeup sex because Jungkook wasn’t giving you any anymore. It was like sex was the only thing to look forward to.

You felt attached to Jungkook to a point where it was dangerous. You weren’t okay when he wasn’t around. He affected every part of your life and God knew it wasn’t always a positive thing. Maybe it was the fact that he took your virginity. Maybe because he was your first boyfriend, the first guy that made you believe you were worthy of love and that someone was actually capable of loving you. One thing you knew was Jungkook had an expansive influence on your life.

While you were practically drowning in your own thoughts, Jungkook was busy taking off your underwear.

“You okay?”, Jungkook calmly asked you, looking at your riddled face.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay.”, you sounded distracted, Jungkook wasn’t sure about asking you what it is though. He didn’t feel like getting personal.

So he shrugged it off and started kissing you again, his dick was unsurprisingly hard again as he played with your tits. He drew lines over the stretch marks of your thighs and kissed them.

“Can I fuck your ass?”, Jungkook’s raspy, tired-sounding voice casually asked, to which you quickly nodded, knowing that Jungkook’s favorite position had always been anal. He was massaging and gripping your ass firmly.

“This is gonna hurt at first, but I promise it gets better.”, He warned calmly into your ear, while putting some lube on his dick and just went right into your ass, slowly thrusting so you don’t feel as much pain.

He was right, it did hurt a lot when he first put it in, but the pain just changed into pleasure in a matter of time and his slow-paced thrusts helped with the adjustment.

“Fuck, I missed this ass”, he practically growled into your ear, as he kept on thrusting in and out, steadily gripping your wide hips with his big, veiny hands. “It just doesn’t feel right when I’m inside her ass.”

You knew your confidence shouldn’t rely on Jungkook bringing his girlfriend down, but you couldn’t help but feel good about your body when he said that. It’s been a while since you felt even a tiny spark of confidence. You weren’t so fond of him mentioning her while he was inside of you.

Your soft moans rang through the whole room like sirens, while he watched your ass jiggle against his pelvis, thrusting in and out faster every second. He missed this.

You had always thought you were indecisive, but you knew exactly what you wanted. You just couldn’t have that, so you’d eventually have to settle for less.

Jungkook wasn’t to blame for it, you just couldn’t concede your shortcomings. The movie’s villain wasn’t always the real villain.

Your hands traveled to your pussy to make sure you’d orgasm as well, when you heard Jungkook’s breathing getting heavier and his thrusts getting gentler than before, indicating that he was gonna cum soon. You were certain he could make you cum with just anal, but you wanted to cum with him.

With furrowed eyebrows and drops of sweat dripping down his body, Jungkook looked down at your arched back. The whole scene was sticky, especially when Jungkook presses his upper body to your back, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and kissing the spot.

It was kinda odd, having sex with your ex-boyfriend you were crying over just a day ago. There was a certain intensity to it though. Like your long-lasting nostalgia was finally fulfilled.

You’ve realized you couldn’t imagine yourself being intimate with anybody else. Jungkook already knew your body, how it looked without the material protecting it, the strawberry skin, the slightly sagging breasts you swore you’d surgically remove once you had the chance to but didn’t. He knew where you liked being touched, he was the first one to even touch you in those places.

You were unsure what you’d do with yourself when he leaves.

Jungkook’s thrusts slowly started stopping and you too felt the familiar sensation in your stomach.

Suddenly, you two were nothing but desire, fear, and pleasure. And faster than you could process, you came together.

For minutes after your orgasm, you were just laying on the bed, thoughtless. Maybe a little regretful. Not you, but him.

You weren’t facing each other, but you could hear each other’s breathing. Your stomach was filled with something you’d describe as post-sex melancholia.

All of a sudden, Jungkook stood up from the bed, startling your resting self a little, but you decided to keep quiet, wanting to see what he was going to do.

He made his way to the door to leave what he thought was your sleeping body laying there. You couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“Where are you going?”, your soft voice suddenly rang in his ears. “Don’t you wanna stay?”

He didn’t know how exactly to tell you. You’ve always been a gullible little girl, you were the type of girl to think fucking equals love. Little did you know that wasn’t the case at all.

“Yn.... you know I can’t”, Jungkook responded, you knew it wasn’t gonna be good when he said your name like that. “I got a girl at home and I don’t wanna mess shit up with her.”

There it was. Your suspicion was corroborated. He was still going out with the model and you were a certified home wrecker. Great.

You physically felt your heart breaking. “Bu- but why are you here then?”

You were incapable of being mad at him at the moment. It was your fault for letting him in, again. After breaking your trust and your heart.

“This was a mistake”, he declared, not looking into your eyes. “I’m sorry, yn...”

He’s moved past your room now, already at the exit of your dormitory. He was about to leave.

“You already ruined shit with her when you came here and fucked me.”, your voice was small, but your words were heard.

Without looking back, he left.

And you went back to your room, standing in the middle of it for a minute in silence before your brain fully processed what had happened and your tears started pouring.

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jerzwriter · 3 years

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When the Bough Breaks - Part 1

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Casey MacTavish)

Series: Part 1 of (3?)

Rating: Teen +

Summary: Casey traded one dream for another when she accepted Ethan’s proposal. Even within their magical life, there were still times she mourned the loss of the child she’d never have. When Ethan learns he unknowingly fathered a child with a former lover, how will she cope? Will their marriage survive?

Category: Angst

Warnings: Decisions to have children, long-lost children, marital problems

A/N: I honestly don’t know why I decided to do this to myself… Several writers I follow received an anon ask for this story and my heart immediately ached for anyone who would attempt to write this; but, after contemplating it more than I care to admit, I accepted my masochistic tendencies and took out my laptop. It was too good a challenge to pass up. I’d like to thank the incredible @bex-la-get. I first saw this on her blog and I asked if she’d mind if I took a stab at it. She could not have been more gracious and encouraging. I know you already know what a blessing she is to the fandom, but I just extend my praise.

A/N 2: I want to thank my fellow FF addict, friend, and is now official long-lost sister (sticking with the theme!) @kachrisberry. Thank you for encouraging me, pre-reading, and being my cheerleader.

A/N 3: I’ve never been more stressed about posting a FF (to my DTI readers, yes, even more than Chapter 13😊). The idea is just… oofff. I hope my love for the characters shines through and I hope I do this story just a little justice. I can't wait to read Bex's and the other writer's versions. I am merely a princess in the presence of the queens and I am salivating to see what they produce.

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

Link to original ask: https://bex-la-get.tumblr.com/post/658265281308852224/are-you-willing-to-write-this-i-want-to-read-it

“Dr. Carrick, please report to the ER. Dr. Carrick, report to the ER.”

Ethan chuckled as he clutched his wife’s hand a bit tighter.

“Wow, they have their very own Dr. Carrick. I wonder how he compares to ours.”

Casey turned to him and smiled wanly.

“I’m sure ours is a much more colorful creature. There can’t possibly be two of them.”

She turned her head back to the banal painting that had been her focal point for the past half-hour. She attempted to reconcile how they ended up here. The idea of being in a hospital 150 miles away from home, waiting on test results that would forever change the course of their lives, would have seemed inconceivable just a week before.

Ethan brushed his fingers against her chin, turning her face toward his.

“Baby, don’t worry, no matter what, we will be OK.”

She swallowed and attempted to smile.

“I know,” she said.

Yet, if she truly meant that, her lip wouldn’t be quivering, she would not be biting her cheek in an attempt to hold back her tears, and her heart would not be ripping in two.

Two months earlier

It was a perfect April morning, crisp, sunny, without a single cloud in the sky. Ethan smiled as he gazed out the window. The day was nearly identical to the one three years before. That day was undoubtedly the happiest of Ethan Ramsey’s life, and he liked to believe it was for Casey Ramsey as well. Although she had assured him of it countless times, he still found it difficult to believe. In his opinion, being married to him could not begin to compare to the joy it brought to be able to call Casey his bride. Each year he did his best to make the day special. Two years ago, they were tucked away in a villa on a secluded beach in Hawaii; last year, it was in an adorable B&B on Martha’s Vineyard. Unfortunately, their schedules would not accommodate them taking off more than one day together now, and Ethan was none too happy about it. As was often the case, his wife had to talk some sense into him.

“Ethan, the only thing that matters is that we will be together. That’s all we need to make any day spectacular.”

He knew she was right, but that was not going to stop him from doing all he could to make this a memorable day.

Casey was still sound asleep when Ethan quietly entered their bedroom. He placed a breakfast tray on a table next to a vase of lavender roses that he arranged earlier. They were the same flowers that carried in her bouquet as she walked down the aisle to him. Despite their rarity, Ethan promised to present them to her on every anniversary thereafter.

He knelt beside his wife and began peppering her face with kisses.

“Happy Anniversary, Casey.”

She sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“Happy Anniversary, Ethan. What’s all this?”

“It’s me making sure you have the best day possible. It’s not every woman who could tolerate being married to me. In fact, I am firmly convinced you’re the only one who ever could. So, it continues to be my mission to spoil you rotten as a thank you for putting up with me.”

Throwing her arms around his neck, she gave him a lingering kiss.

“Married three years, and you still don’t get that being your wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me, Dr. Ramsey. So, while I appreciate the spoiling, it’s completely unnecessary. I couldn’t be happier just knowing you’re mine.”

“Do you mind if your breakfast gets cold?”

“Well, why?”

“Because now that I think of it, there is something else I would rather do first.” A sly grin spread across his face as he pushed his wife back into the bed, laying on top of her as she giggled.

“There’s always the microwave.”

He momentarily lifted his head in disgust, “The microwave? Have I taught you nothing?”

“You’ve taught me plenty,” she said pulling him back on top of her, “now, let’s practice some of those things.”

Though their relationship had been a tumultuous journey, they had settled into idyllic wedded bliss. It took three years to overcome his insecurities and admit just how much he loved Casey, but once he did, he could not wait to make her his wife. They were married in a beautiful beach ceremony just 3-months later. When people asked why the rush, Ethan said they were making up for lost time.

They couldn’t be happier. However, for Casey, this beautiful life did come at a price. From the beginning she knew Ethan did not see children as part of his future, but then again, neither was a committed relationship or marriage. A part of her hoped that his personal evolution would continue. Perhaps he would open the door to the possibility of fatherhood, but he did not.

When he asked Casey to marry him, she insisted that they resolve this issue first. It was a difficult time. Ethan was petrified. After finally overcoming his fears and admitting he wanted a life with the woman he adored by his side, he faced the real possibility of losing her. This was one issue where compromise was not possible, and, as much as it pained him, he couldn’t even blame her if she decided to leave him behind. Asking her to give up her dream of becoming a mother was not a small request. He found it impossible to assuage his guilt as he watched her struggle to make a decision. There were many days when he considered giving in, but he could not. There was no way he could bring a new life into this world knowing in his heart he would never be able to provide what it would need. Not after the childhood he endured and the lasting damage that ensued. The only thing he could do is wait for Casey to come to a conclusion. His entire world was on pause.

When Casey broached the subject, she was optimistic even though, deep down, she already knew his answer. She didn’t even want a big family, she explained; just one child would be plenty. She pointed out all of Ethan’s virtues that would lend to being a wonderful father. She knew in her heart that they would be able to give their child everything it needed and more together. Several tear-filled conversations later, he was adamant, he loved her, but this was the one place he could not give in. She told him that she needed some time. Two weeks, she said, she would give him an answer at the end of two weeks.

It was excruciating. Neither knew if their love story would continue with them solidifying their commitment to one another. Or, if it would end, adding their names to a list of tragic lovers who were destined to live their lives apart. The prospect of losing each other was more than either could bear, but there was no other solution to this dilemma. One of them would have to make a sacrifice, and Ethan already made it clear, it wouldn’t be him. So the choice rested on Casey's shoulders.

In the end, she didn’t need two weeks. Six days later, while out for her morning jog, the answer came to her as clear as day. She changed direction and ran to Ethan’s doorstep.

“I want you.” She declared. "Ethan. I want a life with you more than anything else in this world. When it comes down to it, I can imagine living a happy life without having a child, but I cannot imagine one without you by my side. So, yes, Ethan, yes, I will marry you.”

He was simply overjoyed but still fearful. What if she changed her mind? What if she grew to resent him and it tore them apart? He insisted on attending pre-marital counseling before they set a wedding date. Casey laughed; they couldn’t do anything simply, could they? After only a few sessions, they realized Casey would never be happy about not being a mother. Still, she had accepted her decision and did not resent Ethan for it. Life was full of choices, and people never get everything they want, but she knew where she belonged, and it was with him. Ethan could not believe that anyone could love him that much.

They went on to be the couple everyone else aspired to be. Their faces brightened whenever the other entered a room. They couldn’t wait to see each other at the end of the day – even though they worked together. They found their other halves and Casey never regretted her choice. But it was impossible to ignore the sadness in her eyes each time a friend or colleague announced that they were expecting. She would smile and celebrate, genuinely happy for them, but anyone who knew her could see through the facade. As time went on, she passed on invitations to all but her closest friend's baby showers. Ethan knew she had no commitments on those days, but never asked why she wasn't attending, he already knew.

Shortly after their first anniversary, Casey’s cousin Peter asked them to be godparents to his daughter, Jenna. They both delighted in the role. They made frequent trips to her cousin’s home and spoiled her as much as her parents would allow (well, maybe even a little more). Ethan simply adored spending time with Jenna. Casey watched as Ethan would hold her while she napped, or play with her on the floor, and she allowed her hopes to rise once more. But it was for naught. He loved Jenna, Ethan explained, he loved children; he simply did not want any of his own.

Casey never discussed it again after that day, but Ethan was not unaware of her sorrow, and, at times, his guilt was overwhelming. He was living in a twisted paradox. He loved Casey more than life itself and wanted to give her the world, but he knew he was denying her one of her greatest dreams, causing her ongoing pain. Before they were married, he worried that she would eventually resent him causing their marriage to erode. Now, he understood that his untamed guilt could have the same effect.

Unbeknownst to Casey, he began seeing a therapist to better understand his reluctance to becoming a father. He wanted to determine, once and for all, if it was something he could open his heart and mind to. He did not tell Casey. He had to know first. Allowing her to have hope and then crushing it again would be cruel. In time, he began to see a change in himself. The idea was no longer as daunting; he started to see it as something he could embrace. Occasionally he daydreamed of how he would share the news with Casey. He had settled on wrapping a onesie up and presenting it to her after a quiet dinner at home. He wondered if it would be too cheesy to have “Would you be my mom?” written on it. A baby proposal, if you will. He was almost there. He could practically feel it, but he needed to be one-hundred percent certain.

Two months later

Casey spent her day off shopping for Jenna. Her second birthday was next week and they would be traveling to Pennsylvania to help her celebrate.

When returned to their townhome, Casey cleared the dining room table and began wrapping the abundant number of gifts she purchased. She laughed because she knew Ethan would see the plethora of presents and say, ‘Are you sure we got enough?’ These were the moments when Casey felt the yearning inside her and the pain that inevitably followed. It was especially difficult because she felt so alone. She never shared this with Ethan. She made her choice and gave her word; it would be unfair to burden him with a decision she made. But the issue felt too intimate for her to share with others, so she bore this pain herself. Still, when she looked at the mantle and saw all the beautiful photos of the life she and Ethan shared, she knew she made the right choice. It just hurt sometimes.

Ethan left his lunchtime appointment and returned to work. Today would be his last day of therapy. He conquered the fears that were holding him back. Not only was he confident that he could be a good father, but the idea of having a child with Casey was exhilarating. He could not wait to tell her and considered running home immediately to share the news. But this was too big, too important, and he wanted to make it memorable. He decided to tell her the following week, before Jenna's birthday party. He would slip his present in with Jenna's and give it to Casey before leaving their hotel. As he walked the halls of Edenbrook, he could not wipe the grin off of his face, causing consternation among all who came into contact with him.

The doorbell rang, startling Casey. She had not expected any visitors or deliveries today. A stunning woman, roughly her age, stood before her when she opened the door. With her immaculate chestnut brown hair, crystal blue eyes, and a kind but elegant face, she looked like an old Hollywood starlet come to life. But her furrowed brow and the constant wringing of her hands made it clear she was troubled.

“Hi, Can I help you?”

“Uhm, yes, ah, I’m looking for Ethan Ramsey. Is this the correct address?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid he is not home. I’m his wife, is there anything that I can help you with?”

The woman’s complexion turned ashen.

“Oh, I didn’t realize there was a Mrs. Ramsey, uh, I’m sorry.”

Casey’s blood went cold.

“Well, there is, and it’s me,” she said with a nervous smile. “May I ask who you are and why you need to speak with my husband?”

“Uhm, my name is Amanda, Amanda Pierce. I’m an old friend of Ethan’s, and I just wanted to… I need to talk to him. Could I possibly leave my number with you? Or maybe you could give me his... if that’s OK.”

“I’ll get a piece of paper and take yours. Can you wait here a moment?”

“Sure.”

Casey felt her heart racing. Something wasn’t right. She knew Ethan wouldn’t be unfaithful to her, but she couldn’t stop her mind from going there. Pushing the thought aside, she retrieved a receipt on the kitchen counter and a pen before rushing back to her front door.

“Here,” Casey said, “write your information, and I’ll get it to him today.”

Amanda's hand was shaking, so much so that Casey took the pen back to write the number herself.

“I’m truly sorry to bother you. You really seem like a really lovely woman,” Amanda said, almost apologetically.

“Well, thank you. I will be sure to give this to Ethan right away.”

____________________

Casey could have waited until Ethan returned home that evening. She could have called him or sent him a text. But something inside her felt that this needed to be handled in person and quickly. She grabbed her keys and headed to the hospital. She didn’t quite run, but she was undoubtedly walking at a brisker pace than she did on her regular walk to work.

Ethan’s face beamed when she walked into his office, “Hey, you’re off today. I didn’t expect to see you!”

She closed the door, locking it behind her. Ethan took one look at her and realized this visit was not for pleasure.

“Casey, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But a woman stopped by the house, and she said she needed to talk to you and implied that it was important. She gave me her number.”

Casey handed him the receipt.

“Her name is Amanda, Amanda Pierce. She said she’s an old friend.”

Ethan’s eyes went wide.

“A, Amanda?”

“Yes. Is she an old friend?”

“She’s an old girlfriend or as much of a girlfriend as I ever had. We had a brief relationship shortly before I met you.”

Casey swallowed, “Was it serious?”

“No.” Ethan answered emphatically, “It was my standard MO. We dated for two or three months, then she wanted something more, I didn’t, and we went our separate ways. I haven’t seen nor heard from her since.”

“Why do you think she’s here now?”

“I have no idea, but I’d like to get to the bottom of it.”

He picked up his phone and motioned for Casey to take a seat. He dialed the number, placing the call on speaker.

“Hello.”

“Hello, is this Amanda?”

“Yes. Is this Ethan?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Oh, I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

“Well, you did. Can I ask why you wish to speak to me?”

“Of course. But not over the phone. Are you available anytime soon?”

“I’m available right now. Where can we meet?”

“Oh, well, I’m still in Back Bay.”

“There is a coffee house, The Thinking Cup, on Newbury St. Can you be there in 30-minutes?”

“Yes, I’ll see you there.”

Ethan looked up at Casey, “I don’t like waiting on these things. Mysteries do nothing for me.”

“I don’t disagree.”

Casey looked like she saw a ghost and Ethan could see her trepidation. He leaned over the desk and took her hand.

“Casey, I don’t know what this is about, but I hope you know that you have nothing to worry about.”

“Oh, I don’t think… I’m not under the assumption you want to have an affair or anything, but exes don’t typically pop out of the woodwork for a good reason. So, yes, I’m nervous.”

“Would you like to come with me? You are more than welcome. There is nothing she, or anyone else, can say in front of me that they cannot say in front of you.”

Casey thought about it, but something inside of her told her not to go. She trusted Ethan implicitly, so he could handle this.

“I think you should go alone. I will be at home, but please come there as soon as you’re done.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll ask Harper to pick up my cases for the day and I’ll be home as soon as I’m through.”

He walked around his desk and kissed her forehead.

“Don’t worry, Case. Everything will be OK.”

____________________

Casey made herself a cup of chamomile tea. She attempted watching TV. She took out a book she had been hoping to catch up on. She went on her phone and scrolled through social media posts. Nothing kept her attention; nothing kept her mind off Ethan and what he and Amanda could be discussing right now. She began pacing the living room, and shortly after that, she heard the front door open.

Ethan entered from the foyer; he was as pale as a ghost. Casey had been trying her best to stay calm, but the moment she saw him, her heart sank.

“What? What is it, Ethan? Tell me.”

He appeared to be in shock as he walked toward her. His movements were methodical, his words bordered on robotic.

“Casey, I… I think you should sit down for this.”

She could identify the very moment when her heart and head began to pound so hard, she could hear them. Her stomach churned as adrenaline pumped through her body. She tried to steady her breathing. Hysteria was not going to help here.

“No. I’m fine where I am. Please, tell me, Ethan. Tell me now.”

Ethan exhaled a shaky breath before collapsing in a wing chair across from her. He leaned forward, forehead in his hands. He rubbed his temples before pulling his hands through his hair, grasping it for several moments before finally letting go.

Casey felt hot tears welling in her eyes. She had asked him to tell her now, immediately, and he was stalling. She considered demanding his reply, but she felt like her entire life was about to change, and not for the better. So, part of her appreciated the delay; perhaps he was affording her the final few moments of her life as it once was. But the reprieve could not last forever and, eventually, his voice broke the silence.

“As I told you before, Amanda and I were involved before you came to Edenbrook. We, we were only together a short time and….”

“Yes, Ethan, please get to the point.”

“Well, uhm, today… Amanda told me that….”

He lowered his face into his hands and shook his head vigorously. There was no easy way to say it; he just had to do it. He stood up and looked directly at Casey.

“She told me that we have a son.”

Casey felt like the wind knocked out of her. She stumbled backward as one hand grasped her chest, and the other covered her gaping mouth.

“What?” she said with a meek voice, her quivering lip matching the rhythm of her shaking body.

“She said she found out she was pregnant shortly after we split. She knew I didn’t want a relationship at all, never mind one with her, and she knew I never wanted a child. So, she felt it was better that I didn’t know.”

Casey turned away from him. Her body had gone numb. She could hear Ethan speak, but his words were not reaching her mind.

“She moved back to Connecticut to be near her family. She never told anyone who… who the father was. But... he's been having some issues and ... anyway, that's why she decided to tell me now."

The room fell silent; the only sound was Casey’s ragged breath. It seemed to last for an eternity.

“Casey, say something.”

She slowly turned around. Shock and anguish distorted her beautiful face.

“I… I suppose you believe it is true.”

“The timeline plays out. He is 6 years old. She said she’d arrange for a paternity test to be done. She offered it before I even asked. She insists that I was the only person she had been with during that time.”

“Did she happen to show you a picture of him?”

“Yes.”

“And?” Casey asked, her voice a guttural cry.

“And the resemblance to me at his age is… it is remarkable.”

Casey’s body had been tense, pin-straight in anticipation, but with these words, it went limp. Her head fell into her hand as her tears broke free. She felt her knees buckling as she collapsed onto the sofa.

“I can’t believe this,” she sobbed.

Ethan ran to her side and wrapped his arm around her.

“Casey, I... I didn’t… I don’t… I’m ….”

“You didn’t know … so don’t… you couldn’t tell me if you didn’t know.”

“I know, but… I’m... I’m sorry, Casey. I’m still in shock ….”

“Of course, of course,” she spoke without emotion, looking straight ahead, never at Ethan. “Are you ok?”

“I’m shocked. I’m confused. I want to know for certain… but…” he trailed.

“But?”

“But I’m most worried about you.”

She wanted to tell him not to be. She wanted to tell him she was fine. She knew that this was earth-shattering for him, and, as usual, she wanted to be his place of comfort and support. But this time, she couldn't be.

“Yeah,” she said trying to stifle tears, “I’m worried about me too.”

She stood up and walked across the room.

“Honey, I…” he got up to follow her. She still had her back to him when she lifted her left hand to stop him.

“No, no, Ethan. Please, don’t come by me. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. I know it is insane for me to be upset with you. But right now, I’m not thinking logically, and I need to be alone. Please?”

Ethan closed his eyes. “I understand.”

“I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back.”

Casey left their home and walked to The Esplanade. For the first half-hour, her mind was so clouded she didn’t even think about what just occurred. There was emptiness, a void inside her, unlike anything she had experienced before. She sat on a park bench and bent over, covering her face from any passersby.

This can’t be happening.

She kept telling herself this wasn’t Ethan’s fault. He didn’t know. She loved him more than anything in the world. How could she be upset with him? He didn’t do anything. But she was. She was so upset with him. He was the reason she would never be a mother. He was the one who gave an ultimatum and forced her to make a choice. She was fine with her decision because she loved him so much. But could she be fine with that decision now? She gave up her dream of motherhood to be with him, and now he may share a child with another woman. How could she live with that?

The pain in her heart was so wretched she didn’t think she could breathe, much less stand, but if she stayed still, she was convinced she would combust. So she lifted herself off the bench and walked furiously along the river.

Why are there so goddamned many baby strollers and kids out here today!?

She knew that there were probably no more than usual, but today, they were impossible to ignore.

She didn’t know how much time had passed since she left home, but the sun was beginning to set, and she wanted to return before dark. She was so far away, it would take her at least a half-hour to walk back, but there was no way her legs would carry her. She called Ethan and asked him to come to get her. She believed she was ready to face him. After all, she had no more tears left to cry. She was still anguished, but numbness and exhaustion began were taking the place of shock and horror, and, in comparison, they felt good. She leaned against a brick wall and awaited his arrival.

When Ethan pulled up, it was clear that his afternoon was every bit as painful as hers. Casey lamented that they were unable to share it together, but there was no way. His eyes were swollen and red and his expression was vacant until he saw Casey. The moment his eyes met hers, a look of sorrowful longing overtook him. She witnessed the transformation, and a warmth began to spread within her. She loved him. She loved him so much. She’d do anything for him, but she didn’t know what to do with this.

Ethan jerked his car to a stop, leaving it parked illegally behind him. He ran to Casey with the hopes of enveloping her in his arms, but he was unsure if she would accept him. To his overwhelming relief, she wrapped her arms around him and collapsed into his chest. She thought her tears had dried out… she was wrong. She sobbed into him as gentle tears fell down his face. He held her as tightly as he could, caressing her back and her hair.

“Casey, I love you. I don't know what to say. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can't imagine...."

“I know you don’t want to hurt me. I don’t know what to do either. I don’t know how to feel. Ethan, I’m just, I’m scared.”

“I am too, baby. I am too.”

“Can we go home? We need to talk, and we can’t do it here.”

We need to talk. He felt his chest clench.

“Of course, we can. Let’s go.”

He took her hand and led her to the car, opening the door and kissing her head when she sat down. The ride home was grueling. They drove in total silence, but their hands never parted, each wondering where did they go from here?

When the Bough Breaks - Part 2

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

Text

I am briefly pausing my normal RWBY content to talk about something completely different: Kang Soo-Jin.

I binged True Beauty recently. As in, “I haven’t managed to watch anything new in half a year, discovered this drama, and promptly marathoned 14+ hours of content,” so to say I’m enjoying it is an understatement. I might do another post sometime about why I think the show works so well, but for now, like many (drama only) viewers, I’m specifically grappling with Soo-Jin’s descent into antagonist territory. At first I was just as shocked and disappointed as others seem to be, but upon reflection I don’t think this is badly written in the way many fans are claiming. To frame this as, “I can’t believe they would make wonderful Soo-Jin suddenly OOC and bully Ju-Kyung over a guy!” is ignoring core parts of her character. I’m as sick of the girl-hates-girl-over-guy plotline as the next viewer, but in the interest of acknowledging that there are exceptions to every rule, I think this is one of the times where that choice makes perfect sense.

Soo-Jin has been abused throughout her life and I’m not simply talking about the fact that her father hits her. Though that’s obviously horrific, what I think is more pertinent to this conversation is the intense competitiveness her parents have instilled in her. The physical abuse comes about because Soo-Jin fails (in their eyes) to be the best, which is where Ju-Kyung comes in. The Soo-Jin we knew in earlier episodes wasn’t faking. She isn’t an inherently evil person who was just waiting for the right time to show her true colors. Rather, at the start of the story Ju-Kyung—crucially—was not in competition with Soo-Jin. Or rather, Soo-Jin did not perceive her as competition. She’s after the best grades in the school and Ju-Kyung is notoriously at the bottom of the class. All she has going for her are her (new) looks and her easy-going personality that makes her popular, two things that Soo-Jin isn’t interested in. Even if she were, those things already come naturally to her too. She’s already friends with Soo-A and, as is commented on multiple times, naturally beautiful without any makeup on. Soo-Jin has been taught—literally had it beaten into her—that she must be the best and in the beginning of the show she pretty much is: popular, mature, confident, smart… just not the smartest in her class. Ju-Kyung doesn’t threaten any of that, so friendship initially comes easily for Soo-Jin, the sort of friendship that allows her to chase perverts off busses or hide her friend’s real face.

This changes once Soo-Jin’s “perfect” mask begins to slip. They’re heading towards college, she’s running out of time, and she still hasn’t managed to take the top spot in the class. Worse, she drops out of the top ten. This exacerbates the abuse to the point where, as we see, she’s constantly in the bathroom trying to cope by washing her hands. Any tiny deviation from that “perfection” — like, say, leaving your tutoring session when you realize your lifelong friend just got devastating news — results in the sort of yelling/physical abuse she can only escape from via a locked door. While things get worse on her end, they get better on Ju-Jyung’s. Her grades go up some and she becomes even more popular, attracting not only school-wide attention, but the attention of the two hottest guys too, including Soo-Ho. For a while this is still fine from Soo-Jin’s perspective, but things really take a turn when Ju-Kyung changes Soo-Ho. Meaning, she helps him come out of his shell and teaches him how to be a kinder person… which includes being a better friend to Soo-Jin. The Soo-Ho who suddenly lies and announces that they have to go study just to get Soo-Jin away from her father’s insults, all of it stemming from a small tick he paid attention to, or comforting her while she sobs over the abuse… that Soo-Ho didn’t exist at the story’s start. He was too wrapped up in his own grief and has been that way for a long time. They may have known each other since childhood, but Soo-Jin and Soo-Ho don’t appear to be particularly close in the past—all Soo-Ho’s flashbacks are with Seo-Joon and Se-Yeon. But that starts to change once Soo-Ho himself changes. Soo-Jin’s ability to keep it together is unraveling, Soo-Ho is opening up and becoming more emotionally available (something Soo-Jin even comments on), then her whole class starts eagerly talking up how good they would be as a couple… so Soo-Jin sees a lifeline. Soo-Ho will care for her even when no one else will. Of course he will. She’s already seen him be that person multiple times.

The problem is that Soo-Ho has his own life and his own problems to grapple with. Between grief over See-Yeon, panic over telling Ju-Kyung how he feels, and the initial rush of dating—what couple doesn’t want to spend all their time together at the start?—he doesn’t have much energy for Soo-Jin. Which from his perspective is fine. They don’t normally hang out together outside of study groups, so yeah, he can put off a conversation with her… not realizing that Soo-Jin is now putting all her emotional eggs in his basket. By the time her feelings are coming to light, Soo-Jin is actively sabotaging her own attempts to get attention and compassion from Soo-Jin. By manipulating them—here’s a new scrunchy to remind you that you’re my best friend and you can’t ever betray me, here I am showing up unannounced at your apartment and guilting you into not spending more time with me, etc.—Soo-Jin has put Soo-Ho (rightfully) on his guard. He’s wary of having a private conversation with her about something she won’t name when he knows Ju-Kyung has been a mess over losing her friendship. He has no desire to listen to her confession of love after she’s just tossed Ju-Kyung’s beloved necklace into the fire. In her efforts to ensure that Soo-Ho pays attention to her, she only succeeds in driving him away.

All of which makes Ju-Kyung the enemy in her eyes. The new competition. To her mind, friendship and love cannot co-exist because Ju-Kyung stands in the way of that love, therefore one has got to go. (In contrast Seo-Joon, coming from a loving family, is in time better able to accept that he can be friends with Soo-Ho even though he likes Ju-Kyung. We can discuss the problems inherent in giving one plot to the girl and the other to the guy, but as they are, these characters have concrete, in-world reasons for their different reactions to what’s essentially the same situation.) And why does love (“love”) win out over friendship? Because Soo-Jin has latched onto Soo-Ho being her boyfriend as the way to finally “win” at life and fix all her problems. It’s fine if she’s not the best provided she’s dating the best, just look at how much Dad fawned over him. Second place academically is suddenly an option provided the top student is on her team, so to speak. The fact that Soo-Ho is also one of the most handsome, a great athlete, super rich, and one of the few people to provide her with feelings of safety certainly doesn’t hurt matters. And the only thing that stands in her way of securing this life-saving “win” is Ju-Kyung. Who is she? No one compared to Soo-Jin. Her grades are terrible. She’s not wealthy. She’s pretty… but oh, only with her makeup on.

Soo-Jin doesn’t need makeup, so why not win this competition by showing the whole school—showing Soo-Ho—what a fraud Ju-Kyung is?

From Soo-Jin’s perspective she’s done the math and come out on top. Everything that (supposedly) matters she either has equal to Ju-Kyung, or is superior, therefore it’s obvious that Soo-Ho would choose her in the end. She says at much: If I had confessed first you would have loved me first, so now that I have confessed you’ll break up with her. Hell, even Ju-Kyung believes this. She has the nightmare about Soo-Ho learning that Soo-Jin has feelings for him and immediately, publicly breaking up with her. After all, if he suddenly has both as an option the winner is obvious, right? It’s all about competition, what they’ve been taught to believe is a competition: Ju-Kyung through her bullying and Soo-Jin through her abuse. The difference is that Ju-Kyung has had the whole series with Soo-Ho (and others) helping her slowly unlearn this mentality. Soo-Jin had the rug pulled out from under her in an instant.

Soo-Ho says no, I wouldn’t have loved you if you had confessed first and I’m not going to date you now. It’s important to realize that this shatters Soo-Jin’s entire world. It’s not about a girl being upset that she can’t get the guy — not even about Soo-Ho as an individual, really — it’s about an abused girl not knowing how to grapple with the fact that she finally did everything “right” and still couldn’t “win,” coupled with losing the last bit of security she had. Soo-Ho broke the unspoken rules Soo-Jin’s father beat into her and she doesn’t know where to go from there. She literally has no one else to turn to. So she falls back on the only way she does know how to handle a situation like this: by still trying to win. If Soo-Ho won’t admit that she’s better, she’ll force him to realize that by plastering Ju-Kyung’s “ugly” face all over social media. Which, to be clear, isn’t an excuse. This isn’t meant to be a way of absolving Soo-Jin of her absolutely horrific actions, only a means of explaining them. Her descent, while shocking to those of us who loved her initial character, is well written because it’s a nuanced look at what can happen when you abuse a kid her whole life and teach her that competition is everything. Oddly enough, she’ll apply a competitive outlook to everything and deal with her stress in unhealthy ways. Ju-Kyung is a victim of Soo-Jin now, but Soo-Jin is a victim too. Her home life has ensured that she does not know how to accept failure—or what true failure even means—so it was inevitable that when things got bad, she’d try to fix it in ways that hurt both her and those around her. It’s all she knows how to do.

So far less “Perfect girl goes ooc and abandons her friend over a boy” and far more “Abused girl falls into a terrible, but predictable cycle that the other stressed high schoolers around her are not equipped to break.” Soo-Jin’s story isn’t bad writing, it’s tragic. Thanks for coming to my three page TED talk ✌️

***

2/4/21 FINALE UPDATE!

#abuse tw #true beauty #kang soojin #mymetas #true beauty spoilers

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consumeconstantly · 4 years

Text

Who Are You (and what will you become?)

1(you are here)| 2 | 3 | 4

Summary: “Over the years, I have found that blood means very little.”

The ice clicks against the glass almost inaudibly, condensation dripping down the side.

“So tell me, M. Wayne, why do you think I should even begin to consider you my father?” (all biodad bruce can be read as stand alone but are posted in chronological order)

__________________________________________________

At the tender age of nineteen, Marinette Dupain-Cheng has already become a jaded woman. It doesn’t shine through very often, hidden behind a carefully crafted facade of Parisian-brand carefree attractiveness and pigtailed youthfulness, but there exists, in Marinette, a certain bitterness.

“For a vigilante, you’re not very secretive,” Marinette remarks, keeping her tone measured, almost playful, so as not to draw attention to herself.

“Marinette.” Bruce inclines his head and allows the bartender to serve him a whiskey sour. He doesn’t drink alcohol because it alters his mental state in ways that are unpleasant, but ordering a drink helps him fit in, and with Marinette, the person he wants to talk to, right at his side, he can’t have his normal ginger ale substitute. “It’s good to see you.”

“Mmm.” She takes a sip of her French 75, playing up an interest that Bruce knows is a lie. “M. Wayne, you say that as though we’re familiar with each other.”

“Sabine and I were close,” he says.

Sabine is one of the few people who knew about his existence as Batman that didn’t live in Gotham. Many years ago, they were friends. Colleagues. (More.) Of course she told her daughter about who he was. How could she not have?

Sabine is-- she was--

“Close, you call it,” she says with mock awe, words slurring together. “Closer than close, really. Too close for comfort— at least, too close for you.”

When Bruce and Sabine’s paths crossed all those years ago, he was struggling trying to raise Dick. Sabine was equal parts a mother and a mentor to Dick in all the ways that Bruce couldn’t be. When she left for Paris so abruptly after the two of them parted ways, Dick didn’t take it very well. Even moreso when communications halted permanently. The fact that the radio silence coincided with Marinette’s birth is something only Bruce is privy to.

However awkwardly he and Sabine left off, it doesn’t change the facts. Bruce’s lips thin. “I’m here to offer you a home.”

Swirling her French, Marinette taps at her phone, swiping away at a few messages that she’s not interested in. “I’m nineteen and more than capable of taking care of myself. Though I suppose it stands to reason that it would be difficult for you to know that, what with how busy your extracurriculars keep you.”

“I’m not doubting your capabilities.” He’s looked into what Marinette has been up to over the past nineteen years of her life. He’s never been particularly concerned with her upbringing, not with a woman like Sabine at the helm of her childhood. Bruce was right not to be worried; Marinette has grown into a multi talented, extremely well connected entrepreneur based on her own hard work. Judging by the crowd that she runs with and the multiple charities that she supports both financially and with her own time, she will be a force to be reckoned with in a few years; Tim regularly extols the virtues of the brand MDC, and if he knew that he was sisters with the designer, he’d never stop raving about her. MDC is already being compared to the likes of Dior and Gabriel when they were first starting out. Her finances aren’t anything to scoff at, and at a few galas and charity parties that he’s had to entertain, anyone who's had the privilege to wear an MDC original talks about how sweet and kind the head designer is while complimenting the CEO’s business savvy.

Bruce has to admit that he’s impressed by how she manages to keep her identities separate. No one suspects the head designer to also be manning publicity and business.

He’s been watching her for the past day, and he has to say, for somebody whose parents just died, she carries herself with remarkable ease. If not for the red around her eyes and line of shots on the bartop, Bruce would believe that Tom and Sabine’s death didn’t phase her at all.

“There’s a but, isn’t there?” Marinette says bitterly.

She’s right in that assumption. As skillful as Marinette is in her field, she has no practical combat experience. A brief stint in fencing and martial arts but nothing beyond that. Even if she practiced martial arts for years, that wouldn’t be enough to convince Bruce to let her go off on her own. Martial arts as a hobby is an entirely different game than fighting for one’s life.

Marinette is simply not the kind of person who can face down a League member and come out of it alive.

“It’s for your safety.”

For the first time since entering the bar, Bruce sees a flash of true emotion cross Marinette’s eyes. It’s hard to see the color of her eyes in the dim lighting, but it’s impossible not to see Sabine in how her eyes narrow. Perhaps the dim lighting makes it easier to; in the light of day, Marinette’s eye color— it’s too similar to the shade he sees in the mirror.

“My safety? What about my parent’s safety?”

At that, Bruce internally cringes while keeping his face carefully blank. Tom and Sabine… their end wasn’t pretty. Not the most gruesome deaths he’s ever seen, but it was up there. Bruce never thought the League would do something as cruel as desecrating the corpses of the people they murdered. They may be assassins for hire, but most times, they do have some sort of morals.

The worst part about it is that their death is most likely a result of Sabine’s past relationship with him. Last month, a tabloid that drew comparisons between Marinette and Bruce. It didn’t take long for another person to dredge up pictures from when he was still with Sabine. Tom and Sabine didn’t have enemies well-off enough to hire the League. But Bruce? Bruce did.

“I’m not interested in any protection you have to offer me.” Marinette shakes her head. “Don’t worry. I’m not like you. I won’t become a vigilante out of rage or as a coping mechanism. I’m not going to go chasing after the League in a foolish pursuit of misguided justice.”

But Marinette doesn’t understand. She has a target on her back with her newfound association to him.

“I haven’t been active in your life--”

“Understatement of the year,” Marinette mutters.

“--but I’m not going to let you die when I can prevent it.”

Downing the rest of her French, she takes the Moscow Mule away from Bruce’s hands, eyeing the liquor up on display. She drinks the cold alcohol and revels in the burn that slides down her throat. Marinette swipes on one of the notifications she’s received on her phone in order to respond to it. “You’re a good man, Bruce. But your desire to protect me— what does it stem from? What do we have in common? Why would you use your time and effort on what’s essentially a stranger?”

Bruce has no good answer for this, but he has an obvious one. As soon as it leaves his tongue, it feels wrong. “We share the same blood.”

He can’t bring himself to call Marinette his daughter. That means that he would be her father and he’s not deserving of that title.

Marinette pockets her phone, eyes trained on a set of unusually shaped glasses on the shelves. “If that’s your answer, M. Wayne, let me tell you something. Over the years, I have found that blood means very little.”

The bartender comes around and tops off the whiskey sour. The ice clicks against the glass almost inaudibly, condensation dripping down the side. Bruce can’t tell whether the bartender knows Marinette or not, but he certainly looks concerned enough to, with how his eyes shift between Marinette and himself rapid fire. When the bartender’s gaze settles on Bruce, mouth turned downward, clearly suspicious of his presence, Marinette just waves him off with a gentle smile.

Her smile turns up the same way Tom’s did. She’s right; family is more than blood.

“Your answer to why you want to protect me is that we share blood, but you speak nothing of our relationship. Shouldn’t that have been the first thing you brought up?”

Bruce shifts uncomfortably on the bar stool. Marinette just laughs at his apparent awkwardness. “Talking of blood relations seems to be something you don’t enjoy, and yet the entire premise of your protection rests on it. Tell me, M. Wayne, do you think I should even begin to consider you my father?”

Even as inebriated as Marinette must be, she brings up points that he himself wondered on his way to Paris. Wanting to see Marinette safe goes beyond a simple duty to morality and virtue. Though Bruce is known for adopting kids with tragic backstories, it simply isn’t feasible to adopt every single one he comes across. To bring Marinette into his family at this age, to expose her to the life he lives would be beyond cruel. In essence he’d be replacing two parents with a ticking time bomb: himself.

“Don’t consider me a parent, just a guardian. It’s in my best interest to see you safe, and the best way to do that is to have you move to Gotham, where my colleagues and I can assure you around the clock protection.”

At first, he distanced himself from Sabine and Marinette because he didn’t want to disrupt her current relationship with Tom. Even if the two of them insisted that he could still be part of Marinette’s life, it just didn’t feel right to have the title of father when he wasn’t the one to put in any of the hard work. Then, as Tom and Sabine grew more comfortable in their life together, settled down and opened up a bakery, he was blindsided by Jason’s death. As his daughter grew older and older, there were just too many things in his own life for him to ever hope to kindle a relationship with Marinette.

Marinette laughs, but it’s really more of a bark. Her voice is too hoarse for it to come out any other way. Bruce can’t imagine how much she’s cried this past week. “If you wanted to keep me safe, where were you a week ago? Where were you two years ago? Where were you when I was thirteen? M. Wayne, I’ve heard a lot of rumors about you throughout the years, and I’ve always brushed them off as nothing more than tabloid gossip. But perhaps they got one thing right about you: you’re a liar.”

Marinette stands, swaying slightly.

“This— if you truly want me to uproot my life, I need more than you saying it’s in your best interest. I need—” Marinette reaches up to her earrings and allows her eyes to flutter shut. She needs more than a distant guardian. She needs someone to confide in. Someone she trusts. “It was nice meeting you, but I don’t need your pity. Not now.”

As she weaves through the crowd, Bruce can’t help but wonder whether he made the right decision all those years ago to not be apart of her life.

@biodad-bruce-month

Late to the game as always. This will be a multichapter fic but all parts can be read as one shots (and also as always anything posted to tumblr is never checked for accuracy and stuff so whoop)! They’ll be released in chronological order. If you want to get tagged in all things maribat, instead of commenting it under a fic, I’d appreciate an ask or a dm instead! I haven’t been able to go back through all the previous comments and create a taglist yet but perhaps. eventually.

#bio!dad bruce wayne month 2020 #first meeting #maribat #bio!dad bruce #marinette dupain cheng #bruce wayne #referenced character death #aged up! marinette #miraculous ladybug #dcu

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backstagepaige · 4 years

Text

Five More Minutes.

Synopsis: Y/n can’t come to terms with the fact she’s lost more than just her boyfriend.

Not my gif all credit to the owner!!

Warnings: !!!!!!!!!!AOT SEASON 4 SPOILERS!! PLEASE DNI IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED!!!!!!!! Guns and cursing too!

Pairings: Eren Yeager x Shifter!Reader; Platonic!Sasha x Shifter!Reader

Word count: 2,514

Author: @backstagepaige please do NOT repost my work anywhere without elicit permission from myself. This took me a bit to write and I’d appreciate it if credit was given where its due

Authors Note: So I’ve had this written since a few days after my potato girls death and I needed a way to cope with it - @sleepysnk was able to convince me to post it cause Sum is a beautiful soul and gave me all kinds of affirmations to hype me up so here you guys go! Go check out her work while you’re at it because it is so top tier, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

I panted as I leaned against the wall, we were all in the blimp. My mind was silent and the sounds of everyone talking were muffled as I kept my eyes closed trying to rid the images of all those innocent people dying- all of those Children. I gulped as I shook my head, the screams I heard ringing in my ears on a constant loop- had it stopped or were those screams on the ground I was hearing? Were they from all these years finally piling together instead of echoing in the back of my mind?

“Y/n? Did you hear that?" Sasha called and I let my eyes creak open and looked to the door not seeing anything as Jean began talking, I pushed myself up, making sure to pull my gun out just incase and walked to peak over the ledge when a Gabi rolled over and quickly cocked a gun - eye squinted as she looked down the barrel. I raised my gun at her just as she pulled the trigger, a swift sharp pain flashing through me as the gun fell from my hand. I choked and stubbled back a bit but kept my footing another blur of a figure rolled over the edge and tackled Gabi to the side, screams erupted around me as my comrades ran forward and quickly kicked and punched the kids. I let my gaze fall to my chest and watched the way blood poured out of the little flower of skin that was puffed open and blooming as if it were spring. Chocking back a laugh, I let my head fall back to look at the ceiling; If only it were that easy kiddo I thought thinking of every time I had been injured and how every time I healed. It was a blessing and a curse, being able to live on normally despite being lethally injured yet having no power to save the ones you care for that were falling around you. The thought reminded me of a conversation Eren and I had back all those years ago, the want- no- the need to save every one no matter the cost, that hadn’t aged well in retrospect.

“I-I’m okay, guys seriously. I’ll be ok-”My eyes widened as I turned around my hands beginning to shake at the sight of Sasha on the floor, eyes vacant as she looked off somewhere. When did that happen? I thought as I reached a hand to my back slowly I poked and prodded till I felt my finger pass through where my skin should have been on my back, the pain flickering like sparks lighting a fire but it was nothing compared to the burning in my eyes. “Sasha?" I whispered, ignoring the fatigue attacking my eyes as steam bellowed from my wounds. Connie and Jean were yelling something but it fell on deaf ears as I took hesitant steps towards her When had the screaming stopped? I looked down at her as Jean looked up at me waiting for me to say something, his mouth was opening and the vein on his neck looked like it was ready to burst; I was so close to him yet I couldn’t hear a thing he was saying- It was like he was miles away from me with a hand over his mouth as he shouted. I ignored the pang in my knees as I fell to the floor and gently grabbed Sasha’s cheeks to turn her head so she could look up at us. My knees were getting warmer by the second and I glanced down to see the pool of blood I was resting in - Is that mine? Or is it Sasha’s? “Sasha this isn’t funny... Get up...Get up now!" I whispered not trusting my own voice to fall on her ears the same way Jean and Connie’s were falling on mine.

“You’re so...Damn loud...”She wheezed eyes still vacant as I quickly moved my hands to push against the hole in her chest, hating the way my fingers slicked with warm blood. “Meat...Is the food...Not here yet?” She asked and I growled angrily putting more pressure on her wound.

“You’re worried about the food? Jean, Connie! Get her up now, We gotta plug this up and stop the bleeding!” I screamed at them as tears flooded down their cheeks, “What are you waiting for? Hurry up!” I whirled on the kids being held by other cadets as they took her away. I shoved through and grabbed Gabi by her throat and lifted her, chokes sputtering as I clamped my hand tightly around her feeling the sick love of feeling each breath she took and each beat of her heart against my fingers.

“Lieutenant!” I heard vaguely from behind me but squeezed tighter, Gabi’s hands reaching up to scratch at my own and leaving little rivets that beaded with blood.

“If she dies, I swear I’ll enjoy every second of chewing on your bones!” I growled in her face watching as she noticed the scars on my cheeks and forehead and as if she finally put it together, her eyes widened and her thrashes seemed to become more violent as she tried to spit out a response.

“Sh-Shifter?” She gargled, blood pooling out of her mouth and mixing with Sasha’s. I pulled her forward and smashed her back, enjoying the soft crunch of her skull against the ship before throwing her to the floor and turning to everyone. “Bring the little bitch to lock up. Him too, He saved her.” I growled spinning on my heel and walking down the hall. They were all with Eren, They needed to know what happened. She couldn’t die on me, she wouldn’t do that to Connie, Jean and I. What a selfish thing to do, to leave us in such a way. I pushed the door open and growled at the sight of the long haired male seated and dressed as one of them, the man that had killed the love of my life, the man that had inadvertently killed my best friend. I noted the way Jean went rigid sand knew he had already told everyone, the way their faces had fallen and looked just as they had when any other one of our comrades had passed - but Sasha hadn’t passed and she wouldn’t. Rage boiled in my belly as Eren kept his eyes trained on the floor, I swiftly avoided Jean and dodged his arm as he reached for me knowing what was running through my mind because I’m sure it ran through his. I swung my fist loving the fiery pain that erupted across my hand as it made contact with Eren's face, his hair that had grown out so much in these years whipping around as he did nothing to defend himself.

“This is your fault! All of this is your fault!” I shouted again as I grabbed his head and slammed it against my knee, the feeling of him not fighting back infuriating me. I wanted him to react, I needed him to show me something! Happiness, Anger, Sadness, fucking anything! Yet there he sat, wiping his nose as a small trickle of blood slid down his smooth skin, pieces of his long hair clinging to the flow. “Fucking fight back!” I cried feeling the tears finally fall down my cheeks.

“Y/n! What is going on- Is that blood? Were you shot too?” I froze with my fist in the air as Hanji asked the question, my breath hitching in my throat. Blinking harshly, I stumbled back and shook my head looking back down to my chest. As if a bucket of iced water was dumped on my head, I quickly spun around and ran out of the room. I ignored the other scouts as I ran and rounded the corners, halls blurring.

~~~~~~~~~~

“What was that all about?” Hanji asked looking between everyone in the room, flashes of a hole in Y/n’s chest flickering in their minds and the way Jean opened his mouth to reply, “The bullet went through y/n and ended up in Sasha.” Eren ignored the way his face throbbed and kept his eyes on the floor, avoiding the looks of everyone in the room. Levi opened his mouth to reply when a piercing scream ripped through the soft hum of the ship's engines. Everyone quickly went on alert and readied their weapons as more screams filled the air, yet when Connie pushed the door open with tears streaming down his cheeks everyone froze.

“Sasha...Is dead.”

~~~~~~~~~

Mikasa and Armin were sobbing around me as I held Sasha close to me ignoring the way her blood bleed through the bandages and soaked my shirt, the hands wrapped around her tightly holding her head to me. My throat burned with screams and wails as tears finally rolled down my cheeks, I didn’t care how long I would be sitting here but I’d sit here as long as it took for her to wake up. She was going to wake up and I was going to give her all the meat she wanted no matter the cost.

“Y/n... It’s time.” Levi whispered as I held Sasha closer and shook my head, tears falling against her cheek, my grip was gonna leave bruises- she was gonna kill me when she woke up to that. Mikasa and Armin were no longer next to me, when had they left? Why would they leave when she was gonna wake up?

“I can’t, I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up.” I choked, pushing her bangs behind her ear as I rocked her gently back and forth. A gasp escaped Levi and I kept my eyes on her face, I had shifted to her side to use my right arm to hold her back as my left hand was reached up to hold her cheek as I wiped my tears off and the blood spilling from her lips her face.

“She... She’s gone y/n, Her body is cold, she’s not in it anymore.” Levi said crouching down on the other side of me and I froze, No? Sasha was here, I was holding her. If she wasn’t here I couldn’t be holding her. I wasn’t going to listen to this when she was clearly okay, Sasha was okay.

“But... But If I keep holding her I can keep her warm?” My lip wobbled as I finally tore my eyes away from my best friend's face and looked up at Levi, his eyes bubbling with unshed tears something that I had not seen but a number of times. I licked the salt from my lips and looked back down at her, my chest felt like it was caving in with each word he spoke.

Another voice pulled me from my stupor as I glanced up through blurred vision to see Hanji gripping the door frame tightly, “It’s okay y/n, It’s time to let her go.” I gasped at their words and shook my head fiercely baring my teeth as I squeezed my eyes shut in anger. How could they not see it? I could keep her warm and she would be okay? She would be okay.

“Stop saying that! Sasha is perfectly fine! She’s gonna wake up! You’ll see! You’ll all see!” I screamed, squeezing her tighter to me and pushing my forehead against hers “She’s okay, She’ll be okay, She has to be... I can’t do this without her.” I whispered as more sobs wracked through my chest. She was gonna wake up and yell at me for letting a bullet go through me and into her and then I was going to give her any snacks she wanted and then we were going to laugh about this later down the road cracking jokes with Jena and Connie about how we ‘Dodged a bullet.’ I ignored Levi as he stood up and left with Hanji in tow muttering something about giving me space; now alone I started humming again and rocking her back and forth the same way I would when she started having nightmares after her first mission. “You gotta wake up for me okay? Me, Jean, and Connie need you- you know we need you so just wake up for us, alright?” I whispered, rocking her back and forth, my wound was healed but the toll it had taken on my body was enough to make me slump over and pass out at any second, I couldn’t let Sasha wake up to that and scare her.

“Stop it.” I froze at Jeans voice and glanced up to see him and Connie looking down at me, I gulped and shook my head glancing back down to her. “I said stop it.” Jean added a little more forcefully, walking to where I was and tried to pry my hands off of her. No no no if Jean and Connie believed it then it was true, they couldn’t believe that she was actually gone could they?

“I have to keep her warm Jean- Get off of me!” I screamed as he stomped to me and held my biceps tightly and shook me. “She’s gone! Sasha is gone!” I wiped my tears on my shoulder and jerked my shoulders free from his grasp trying my hardest not to jerk Sasha around too hard.

“She isn’t! She’s right here, she's just sleeping!” I barked, baring my teeth at Jean who straightened up and shook his head, a tear slid down his cheek as he covered his mouth and looked at me with wide eyes. Connie stepped forward coming to crouch down next to me, I got ready to snap at him when he reached over and gently wiped the blood coming out of her mouth away.

“Pea...Sasha would want you to rest, I’ll wake you up the moment she wakes up okay?” I looked at Connie and felt my eyelids droop at his words. He was right but I knew what he meant, I knew he was trying to ease me into the thought that Sasha wasn’t going to wake up. I sniffled, I had to let go. I had to let her go.

“She’s not gonna wake up is she?” I whispered feeling a new fresh wave of tears stab at my eyes, I clenched my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut as my lungs stuttered for air. Jean came up behind me and sat down encasing me between his thighs as I scooted back to rest against him- Sasha still held tightly in my grasp as I kept my forehead pressed against hers, his chest shaking with sobs as he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face against my back. Connie laid his head on my shoulder and the silence was enough of an answer.

“Five more minutes? Please just five more minutes” I cried, pressing my cheek to Sasha's one last time as I heard Connie mutter a small ‘Five more minutes.’

#eren x reader #sasha x reader #aot spoilers #aot x reader #attack on titan #shingeki no spoilers #shingeki no kyoujin imagine #attack on titan imagine #angst #aot angst #aot imagine

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danteinthedevildom · 3 years

Note

yes! i hate it when people say belphie doesnt care for mc, this is a personal opinion but i feel like even if we werent related to lilith (and somehow we came to life again) he would be close to us, and try. seeing how the people he cares about the most react to someone he thought was just a human dying would probably push him to get to know MC. i know some people also think and argue that beel sees MC as a replacement for lilith too; but i know 100% he doesnt, he hasnt been able to verbally talk about his sisters passing to anyone, i mean almost right after she died belphie was taken away and beel assumed he was in the human world on "buisness", so for beel to openly talk about lilith with us as much as he does it feels special. i know he sees mc as their own person because of how much hes able to share with us, beel talking with mc about his feelings means hes able to finally move on, not to say that he'll forget about her, but he knows hes ready to finally stop beating himself up for it yk? i feel like people were also conflicted about seeing belphie as someone who cares for mc, especially the 180 he does when he finds out we're liliths relative; but belphie has had so much trauma, seeing the person he loved the most die, being separated from his brothers for years and years, etc. he was locked away with his mental illness for a long time, the anger bottled up and he took it out on mc, of course it explains it but it doesnt excuse it, you can still continue to hate belphie idc but i feel like he loves mc more than the other brothers do because of it, its the same thing with beel, mc allowed both of them to cope and talk to them about their sisters passing, yk?

Honestly the whole of Chapter 16 and associated fallout is p. controversial simply bc of it being us that it happens to; the game's written for us to imprint on the MC, and because of that, some scenes - like Belphie's betrayal and his glee at having killed MC - becomes very, very personal. It's very easy after that to become biased against a character, because there's genuine emotional scarring that we're left with as players that the game then just... fails to acknowledge to its fullest. (Which is why we get so many "MC might have forgiven Belphie but I haven't" fics on AO3.)

But to say that Belphie doesn't care for MC is just. Wrong. And I can def. get your annoyance on that!

He didn't care for MC to begin with, yes; MC was a random human he knew nothing about, a ticket to freedom and the first step into enacting revenge for something he's carried with him for millenia. They didn't matter to him outside of that because he never got to see them - or spend actual time with them - outside of the short visits they could afford to update him on their pact progress. That's undeniable.

But to say that he still doesn't ignores the entire point of the Lilith revelation. Being related to her gives Belphie something to connect with MC over. It gives him a reason to overcome his hatred of humanity and to bond with MC in general - which is selfish, yes, and kind of shitty, true, but so much of Belphie's (admittedly misplaced) anger comes from being a survivor of an incredibly one-sided war and (arguably, in his mind) the reason Lilith died to begin with. Because Beel saved him instead of her.

It's not like any of them were ever given a good way to cope with the trauma of the Fall, or Lilith's death. It's not like any of them even knew her actual fate until Chapter 16. Belphie's way of coping was to become apathetic, and to try and place the blame onto something he could take action against.

To him, that meant humanity. Because she fell in love with a human. Because they'd already fought God and lost, so he wasn't going to get closure there - but maybe ending the cause for her death would help the hurt.

He hated humans because of Lilith. In the realm of good story-telling, the best way to end that hatred is likewise through Lilith. Stories are best when they have that cyclical nature to them - especially since it can then transition into Belphie overcoming his trauma (and Lilith's death) through humanity.

So, yeah; it's a selfish reason to get close to someone, to take back the really horrific thing you were going to do, but all of Belphie's anger stemmed from the Fall and what he perceived as her death. Finding out that she didn't actually die? That she became human - became the very thing he wanted to destroy - and lived out a long life? That she had children, and that her family line is still alive in MC? Of course that's going to stop him dead in his tracks. And of course he's going to want to get close to MC, the last remaining fragment of the sister he's dedicated his entire life post-Fall mourning.

Belphie's an incredibly apathetic character by nature. He doesn't care about a lot of things, and everything he cares about is overshadowed by how much he loves Lilith. He needs that connection to get him out of his natural apathy. He cares about Lilith above all else; he'll care about MC at the drop of a dime if they're anything to do with her.

But that's not a bad thing. It means there's an opportunity for him to genuinely get to know who MC is, in a positive light.

It's an opportunity for him to try and make a connection with MC that simply wouldn't have existed otherwise, and through them, to finally, finally put his memory of Lilith to rest. And he does! He gets to know MC, gets to know why Beel adores them so much - outside of just being "Lilith's descendant" - and ends up loving them for who they are.

He puts his hatred of humanity and his single-minded attachment to Lilith behind him, and he still cares for MC. He wouldn't do this if he'd really not formed some sort of bond with them before that point. If he only cared for them because they're a fragment of Lilith, then they'd mean nothing to him once Lilith wasn't such a fervent part of his daily life.

I think the game's just... really bad at showing that, however. You put it really well when you called it a 180, because in all honesty? The game glosses over it much too quickly, and doesn't do a totally good job explaining the logic behind why he'd change his mind so fast.

There's not enough time spent on allowing MC - and the player - to overcome the emotional wreckage of Chapter 16 + fallout. We're not given the chance to process it before Belphie has, to build up a natural relationship with him that transitions slowly from him seeing MC as a Lilith-connection to him seeing them as their own, defined person. It's way too easy to still be emotionally hung up on it while he seems perfectly fine and dandy.

On your bit abt him overcoming it even without the connection to Lilith - I agree tbh! There is a lot Belphie would do for Beel, and I genuinely think seeing how against him Beel is after killing MC, even if they're brought back to life, would ruin him. Belphie being locked up, trying to convince Beel that he was doing the right thing, only for Beel to disagree with him and show genuine anger/disgust, would knock the world from under his feet. If he thought trying to hurt MC would make him lose Beel too - if Beel pleaded with him to just play nice, because he can't choose between them both, not again - he'd likely (albeit begrudgingly) postpone his intended revenge plot.

And he'd try to stay bitter, and for a long time he likely would - but then he'd see how happy Beel is with MC around, and how much it means to Beel that they seem to get along, and how much Beel opens up to them about Lilith, and he'd start to... reconsider. Just a little. Just a bit. Moment by moment, day by day, until he realises that MC isn't a replacement for Lilith, but that they bring something to the table that the brothers have been missing for a long, long time.

Which would afford Belphie the moment of catharsis; where he finally, on a quiet night, opens up about the Fall. How he felt, how angry he is, how helpless. How much he misses her, how the pain and hurt consumes his every thought. And then the player would get the chance to overcome the emotional strain with Belphie, showing him that his anger shouldn't be aimed at humanity when his Father is the one at fault, and Belphie, very quietly, admitting that they're right.

It could work, and work well. It's just a point of finding - and hitting - the right story beats.

On the topic of Beel - honestly, the concept that he sees MC as a replacement for Lilith is just... I personally couldn't imagine it. I can see how someone else could - being her descendant, the attic sandwich club, their little escapade together once Belphie's back in with the family - but that includes seriously misreading/ignoring a lot of Beel's character arc/development.

Beel talks to MC about Lilith and Belphie way before he knows anything about their relation to her. He sees a lot of her in them, yes - he mentions this a few times, I think, in relation to little things they do - but he also sees a lot of what he wants to be in them - which is best seen in their ability to defend both himself and Luke, which be very subtly compares to his own inability to save both Lilith and Belphie.

To Beel, MC stands as something a little idealised. MC is everything good he saw in Lilith (as well as some of the things he loves most about Belphie), and everything he wishes he could have been. MC is a reason to be better, stronger, more capable - both so he can protect them the way they protect others, and so he can feel as if he's on their level.

But that doesn't mean he sees them as a replacement to the people he's lost. It's arguable that he's projecting, sure, I'll admit that; he sees things he misses most of the people he's lost in MC, and I'm sure forming a bond with them helped him cope while he was without Belphie. But MC is still always MC to him. They're always still their own person, and someone he cares for because of that fact.

Beel cares too much about his family to replace them with someone else. Lilith meant too much to him as a person for him to look at MC and actually see Lilith. He misses her, not the idea of her. He feels guilt that he couldn't save her. His trauma revolves almost entirely around the failure of (self imposed) duty and the subsequent loss of life. His Survivor's Guilt is the main reason Beel can't put her memory to rest - because he's constantly haunted by the thought that he could have saved her.

His trauma, the way it is, does not create a setting where he would believably see MC as a replacement for Lilith. He's all too aware that she's gone. He's all too aware that he lost something he can never get back that day. Her memory is special to him, and being unable to talk about her hurts him because that's a bit like killing her off for good.

MC can't replace Lilith, even being Lilith's descendant, and I genuinely can't believe that Beel would even want them to. He's so defensive over Belphie and Lilith, even just over the memory of them; to suggest that MC could replace one of them I feel would anger him more than anything. Not only because it's an insult to Lilith, but because it's an insult to the person MC is. To the person Beel admires.

With just how much he cares about Lilith, I think Beel's enhanced attachment to MC is more the steadfast defence of her lineage to make up for what he couldn't do for her. He still sees MC as their own person, it's just that now... now he has a chance to make up for what he failed at before. And bit by bit, he can learn to forgive himself. Can learn to stop blaming himself for something that was never his fault to begin with.

Belphie and Beel have a special relationship with MC because MC is a direct link to Lilith that helps them overcome their individual Lilith-related traumas. They're naturally going to be closer to MC due to this, yeah, but that's... not the only reason they're close to MC. To try and push down everything they feel and do with MC to "it's only because MC is Lilith's descendant" is to. Well. A) make an incredibly unsatisfying story and character development, but also B) completely ignore that MC helps them bury the memory Lilith. MC helps them move on. Their care and love for MC is what helps them finally let go - to stop living in the past, in hurt, and to finally take a step forward to a future without the weight of Lilith's death constantly burdening them.

Like. If Solmare had just spend a little more time on these two, that might be clearer. Because it's definitely there! And it's why I love Belphie and Beel so, so much. But it's also fully understandable why some players still really dislike Belphie, or why they're not convinced that Belphie/Beel see MC as anything outside of Lilith, bc the game does kind of fail on that a little by rushing a bit too much. Just. Aagh!! You know?

I could honestly go on abt them for hours. So I should prolly stop here before I go on too long adfgh.

#obey me #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #I still have no idea what to tag half of my shit as adfgh

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fruitlicense · 4 years

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I have a theory about one of the reasons why Lupin left Tonks in Deathly Hallows - if you look at his past, Remus Lupin has never really learned to live without moving or running, so when the chance comes to settle in one place, he doesn’t quite know how to cope.

We start with when he’s bitten by Fenrir Greyback. Remus was just under five years old, so this is effectively the beginning of his life besides some hazy childhood memories. He’s a werewolf now, which he has to keep secret, so his life can never really be “normal” again. He and his parents move a lot, because they can’t let anyone close enough to find out. Remus’ early childhood is marked by movement and secrets, because if he’s not literally moving homes, he’s moving around the people he knows, eventually avoiding them altogether by becoming homeschooled.

When Remus goes to Hogwarts, he’s not moving as much in a literal sense, since Gryffindor Tower is kind of his home base now. However, he’s still sitting on a secret that’s a little too big for him, and as a result, he’s moving around his roommates, trying to balance being friends and keeping them in the dark. This is a constant for him - he can’t take a break from hiding his lycanthropy. It’s always in the back of his mind.

When the Marauders find out, I think it’s interesting that their acceptance is characterized by their willingness and ability to “run” with Remus in a sense. Part of their friendship is being the school pranksters, going out on secret missions with the cloak and Map to help them stay steps ahead of everyone else and run or hide if they need to. When they become Animagi, they literally change themselves to keep up with Remus as he runs. They’ve stayed by his side as a human, running around together to cause mischief, and now they can keep pace with him as the wolf as well. Their willingness to change something as intrinsic as the ways they move shows how much the Marauders care about Remus and about each other in general.

When school ends, the war hits, and Remus joins the Order of the Phoenix, the moving, running, and hiding become more literal and more pervasive in his life. He’s part of an illegal underground organization that’s fighting a supremacist terror group, and his colleagues are getting murdered around him. Post-graduation for him isn’t a time to go to college, find a job, or find a more permanent place to live. He’s fighting Death Eaters, jumping from safe house to safe house, and dropping off the grid for long periods of time to live amongst the werewolves (presumably - I don’t have much canon basis for all of this beyond what we know of the second Order and assuming it functions much like the first). As a marginalized group, the other werewolves don’t have jobs or homes either. The nature of the way their condition is treated in the wizarding world means that they always have to keep moving, or else risk injury, imprisonment, and/or death. At this point in Remus' life, the rule is keep moving and keep your secrets or die. Settling in one place is a death sentence, as the Potters find out.

After Voldemort is defeated the first time, Remus has to deal with the fallout of the war and what it did to his friends and family, and he also has to deal with trying to create a life for himself. His demons have increased in number - he’s not just running from his wolfish side now. He’s got the ghosts of James, Lily, and Peter to reckon with, as well as the specter of Sirius Black. He has to keep moving from job to job and place to place, not only because his lycanthropy means long-term employment is hard to find and requires him to find safe places to transform, but also because he doesn’t want his guilt and grief to catch up to him. We can assume that he doesn’t have a steady income or place to stay during this time, and it’s very likely that he has been homeless for periods of time. When Dumbledore finds him in that cottage in Yorkshire, the way it’s described - “tumbledown,” “semi-derelict” - makes me wonder if it’s a squat instead of a home, and Dumbledore just catches him at a short stopping point.

When Remus returns to Hogwarts, he’s again in one physical place, but he’s still moving a lot. He’s hiding his lycanthropy from the students and possibly some/most of the staff, so his personal life is still full of secrets. In addition, his job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor doesn’t really lend itself to a calm career. He’s teaching his students about defensive spells and Dark creatures, and since a lot of his qualifications probably come from his experience of the first war, his daily routine is permanently linked to his trauma. Most importantly, he’s also hiding a lot of his history from Harry, because the central threat in Prisoner of Azkaban is tied directly to his backstory. He’s still moving around in a more figurative way, trying not to stay still long enough for someone to pick up on his patterns and expose him. When his secrets catch up to him, he becomes more erratic, forgetting his Wolfsbane Potion and expressing willingness to kill Peter Pettigrew without a second thought, a departure from his usual cool-headedness. He’s back in the mindset of the war, dropping everything at signs of danger and covering his tracks to move on to a new place, and Sirius, now an ally and friend once again, is keeping pace with him. “Together?” “I think so.”

When Snape exposes Remus’ lycanthropy to the school, he has to start moving again. We don’t know where he is between leaving Hogwarts and joining the Order again once it gets restarted, but we can infer that he probably experiences another year of itinerant living as he jumps from job to job and place to place. When he does “settle” (comparatively), he comes back to Grimmauld Place, but he’s clearly in a war mindset once again, and half the time he’s on missions and not even present in the house. Just because he’s apparently the Order member most frequently there with Sirius doesn’t mean that he’s present all that much, because Sirius can’t keep pace with him anymore. He’s being blocked by Dumbledore and is physically and emotionally stagnant while under house arrest, and we know by now that Remus must always keep moving to survive.

Order of the Phoenix is a turning point for Remus. With Sirius’ death, he finally outpaces his childhood - the last person who he was close to as a young man is now dead. Remus is effectively the last living Marauder (at this point, I would argue that Peter Pettigrew’s betrayal has removed him from Remus’ list of people he cares about and who care for him). It’s also when he meets Tonks, and their relationship grows from one of coworkers to friends to lovers in unseen scenes during and between Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince. She’s kind of a weird choice if you’re picking someone to sort of settle Remus and slow his pace, since I wouldn’t describe her as mellow exactly, but the fact of the matter is that Remus’ growing relationship with Tonks is an obstacle to his habit of movement. She keeps pace with him at first as a colleague/friend like the Marauders did, but her pace changes with her feelings, and she wants Remus to slow down with her. Tonks is stubborn and adamant about what she feels, and in her outburst after Bill Weasley is attacked by Fenrir Greyback, we see that she’s not willing to let Remus try to breeze past his feelings for her. She plants herself right in the middle of his path, and he’s forced to either stop or destroy her as he tries to push past.

Here’s the thing - Remus doesn’t want to stop moving, and we see him resist it, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to slow down. If we parallel his habit of movement with his lycanthropy (since they’re already linked), we can infer that just as being a werewolf has left him scarred and in pain, constant movement takes a toll on him. Just because he’s lived this way his whole life doesn’t automatically make it healthy. The secrecy and isolation don’t make him happy, and they are directly tied to how much faster he’s moving compared to everyone else - trying to outpace the ghosts. Tonks, in directly blocking his path, is essentially staging an intervention to bring him back to a speed that his loved ones can keep up with. He still has her, Harry, and the Order, just as long as he stops trying to convince himself he’s better off alone and outrunning the dead.

The problem with this is that, as physics tells us, it’s not easy to stop an object that has had a set path of motion for most of its existence. Remus isn’t used to slowing or stopping, and he’s antsy to run again. The things he’s been trying to avoid catch up to him - self-doubt and self-hatred about his lycanthropy and its effects on his life, the need for adrenaline and movement that the wars have acclimated him to. When he feels like it’s all too much to handle, he falls back into his old track of movement in a hunt for something known and familiar. Even Harry notices this, comparing Remus to Sirius and accusing them both of wanting to be daredevils. Remus is trying to get back to the pace he ran at with the Marauders, but Harry argues that that’s not the pace Remus’ family needs him to be at.

The only way for Remus to be content is to copy what Tonks showed him how to do - stand his ground and face the ghosts head-on. He has to go back home and learn to live a slower life if he wants to have a family, and he does want that. When asked what he would say to Harry on Potterwatch, he makes it clear that he is thankful for Harry’s intervention, and his later joy at Teddy’s birth is infectious. He fucks it all up initially, but Remus does eventually come to the understanding that the way he was living - constantly moving to stay ahead of his secrets and regret - wasn’t sustainable. He’s willing to try, and I only wish we’d gotten to see the just-barely-a-month he got to slow down with Teddy and Tonks.

The Battle of Hogwarts, in a way, proves my point about movement. Remus is forced to drag himself out of family life and back into the mindset of the war, and in a very Marauder-like impulse, Tonks decides to join him at his pace this time. I won’t say they doomed themselves, because the battle required them to exist at the pace of war, and they didn’t have a choice if they wanted to keep their loved ones safe. However, it is undeniable that it is the running that killed them. The movement of war is deadly, and this time, it hit the people we were wishing the most to escape it.

TLDR: Remus Lupin has lived his whole life trying to outrun his personal demons, and his behavior at Grimmauld Place in Deathly Hallows was a deeply shitty reaction to feeling out of his depth when living a slower life.

Sources:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/werewolves

(Sorry this is so messy! I was excited to write it and put it on paper as if I was speaking it in a sort of tangled stream of consciousness. I hope I got my point across okay!)

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luna-tiel · 4 years

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What Entrapdak Means to Me

On the eve of Entrapdak Positivity Month, I thought it was as good a time as any to share my rambling thoughts on a ship that’s affected me in a way I didn’t think was possible.

Entrapdak is the first ship I have ever been invested in. It’s such a new experience for me that it’s taken me the last few months to wrap my head around the whole thing. I may relate to the characters in a show, but when they form romantic attachments I view it with a degree of passive distance. I don’t understand what it’s like to have those sorts of feelings for someone (I am aromantic and ace as a brick), and, well, I’m honestly not curious enough to give the subject a thorough study. My mind tends to fixate on other things.

What does this have to do with Entrapdak, you ask? Long story short for people who don’t want to read my meandering essay -- I relate a lot to these characters, and the way they bonded together struck a deep chord in me that I can’t ignore.

Let’s start with the characters. I knew going in that Entrapta was neurodivergent-coded, but I took it with a grain of salt. When I actually watched the show, however, I found myself relating to her so deeply it shocked me. Never have I felt such a kinship with a fictional character! We don’t share every trait, but it was still like seeing my brain put to life on screen. I related to her enthusiasm over her special interests, her struggles to fit in, her desire to make friends who accept and understand her for who she is.

The fact Entrapta is completely herself is something I love about her. Over the years of growing up undiagnosed, I developed a lot of masking strategies. Human psychology is one of my special interests, and even with all that accumulated knowledge, masking isn’t easy. It’s extremely mentally taxing. Masking can certainly look easy -- I can, when I have the drive and energy, “pass” as neurotypical, and only people who know me extremely well can tell I’m dying inside. All that effort is taken for granted by a lot of NTs because that’s how people are “supposed to” act, and surely I can “do the bare minimum.” The accumulated stress of near constant masking has led me to the darkest moments I’ve had in my life.

Entrapta’s struggle with leaving Beast Island hit me hard. It threw me back to a time when my feelings of isolation and worthlessness got so bad that I lost the energy to do anything, even the creative pursuits that were the obsession of my life. I retreated so deeply into my inner world that I hardly interacted with anyone. That total apathy shocked my family into getting me professional help, which gave me my autism diagnosis, the coping skills to move forward, and a good start on the road to self-acceptance. It also opened a channel between my family and I, allowing me to feel heard and understood. (An important side note on mental health: if you or someone you love needs professional help, please seek it! Sometimes you have to try out several therapists -- it took me three to find a good fit -- but you are worth it!)

It took me longer to realize, but I also relate to Hordak in some ways. Mercifully I was not raised in an extremist cult environment. However, I know what it’s like to feel defective next to a sibling that seems perfect. I was constantly being compared to my younger brother, and in all areas but art, he was superior. He was smart, athletic, and above all, he fit in with everyone. I didn’t hate him for this -- I hated myself. Trying to measure up to his standard is what caused me to develop such strong masking strategies. Underneath it all, I felt the despair of knowing my peers would reject me as soon as the mask cracked. I also live with chronic joint pain, starting at around age seven. The jury is still out on what’s causing that (the worst of it was due to a previously unknown food allergy, but the pain still comes and goes, even though it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be). This cocktail of pain, stress, and sensory issues I had to deal with gave me a very short fuse at times.

As an aside, just because I sympathize with Hordak does not mean I am excusing his actions. He is still going to have to face the consequences of his choices, and work to adjust to life post-Prime. The series end gave him a new beginning, the opportunity to be redeemed, and I prefer this to a rushed redemption arc.

What I love most about Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship is how they accept each other as they are. Hordak gives Entrapta near free reign of his sanctum, he listens to her when she talks, and he respects her opinions. Even when he pushes her away, he still considers the logic of what she tells him, and sometimes ends up doing things her way despite his initial instincts. This is something I do in my own life; I am easily overwhelmed by new information, so my initial response to an idea/activity is almost always a firm (and sometimes rude) “no,” until I have time to properly process and think about it. Hordak is the first person in Entrapta’s life that truly listens to her. He still has things he needs to work on, but it’s a lot better than how most of the princesses are with Entrapta. The Alliance treats her as someone to be managed -- she is useful, but unreliable. Hordak, in contrast, trusts her to get things done in her own way.

On the other side, Entrapta is the first person in Hordak’s life to accept him without judgment. Hordak spends so much of his energy putting up a front of strength and intimidation, and Entrapta cuts right through that. She’s not frightened by his appearance, and even his outbursts have little effect on her until the two of them start to bond. Entrapta doesn’t come into their interactions with any preconceived ideas of what Hordak is like, or more importantly, what he should be like. This lack of expectation leaves her completely open to accepting whatever Hordak does and says, and it also relieves Hordak of the burden of needing to put on a front around her. When Entrapta sees him at his most vulnerable, she reaches out to him with compassion, something he has never felt before. Entrapta also does this in a way that doesn’t belittle Hordak. His imperfections are not something to pity, they are a valuable part of who he is.

I loved watching their friendship develop. Entrapta and Hordak’s shared time together evolved slowly into a bond that gave each of them a sense of belonging they had never experienced before with anyone else. It gave me the hope that, despite what an oddball mess I am, perhaps I could find someone who understands me too.

When a romance subplot inserts itself into a story, I tend to gloss over and ignore it (if I pick up on it at all). I’m even less interested in sex. Way back when I was first getting into fandom I was so excited to go online and meet fellow fans of the books and shows I liked, only to discover the spaces being dominated by arguments over character pairings. I was baffled. This is what people are most interested in? Oh well… back to the hermit cave I go!

I was late to the party with SPoP. I’d watched a few episodes, but the show didn’t really hook me. This was partially because all I ever heard people talk about online was Catradora, and if that was the main appeal of the show, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it (sorry Catradora shippers, romance is not going to entice me to watch a show, even if it’s rep). Quarantine was the ultimate cause for me embracing my curiosity and diving headfirst into SPoP, binging the entire thing a few months before the release of season 5.

I vaguely knew about Entrapdak as a ship going into the show, and I admit, had I not been primed for it, I probably would have missed the romantic potential entirely. In no way did I expect to become invested. I was immediately intrigued by their dynamic, and as they got closer, I found myself thinking “oh, I see why people ship these two.” I didn’t understand this realization until months later. I was relating to the characters, and for the first time in my life, I was relating to their relationship.

I headcanon Entrapta and Hordak as an asexual couple. I’ll elaborate on this at a later time (asexuality is a spectrum with a lot of nuance, and this post is plenty long already), but at the core of it, I find joy in imagining these characters in a loving platonic relationship, something I hope to find myself one day. I hope this love comes across in my artwork and in my fanfictions <3

To those of you that read this far, wow, you must be patient! Have an imaginary cookie! I hope this ramble has provided a decent picture for why I, as an aro ace on the autism spectrum, have come to cherish Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship. It’s my first and only OTP… I’m still in shock thinking about that… I guess we’ll see where things go from here!

Take care of yourselves out there!

#entrapdak #entrapta/hordak #entrapta #hordak #autistic entrapta #autistic experiences #relatable characters #fandom ramblings #spop #spop headcanons #asexual headcanon

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greengrungeemo · 3 years

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After completing Higurashi When They Cry Hou - Ch.5 Meakashi... I find it puts everything into perspective. I may need to publish multiple posts just to get it all on paper. This will be my in-depth analysis on it all. Spoiler warning, though, I’ll be as delicate as possible.

I can definitely say that this chapter was composed with the most raw of emotions, and succinctly denotes the decline of human mentality.

From the beginning of the story, I already caught the fidgety nature of Shion - the moment she escapes from the school, she has an underlying anxiety shielded by her flirty and playful character. What I found most fascinating was her notebook entries, notably pg. 5, pg. 19, pg. 26, pg. 150, and pg. 165, illustrated below. She records her thought-process and developing emotion as it goes. It’s all captured there. The curiosity of the warm, fuzzy feelings that are occurring. The discovery of being in-love. Pinpointing what captures her heart about him. The impending loss and coping with it. The lack of coping and driver of action. The inevitable despondence and despair. After all information is collected, and once the well is dry of clues, then ignites the blame game. With blame comes condemnation and spite... and with growing spite comes aggression and violence. With aggression and violence comes ensuing mortality, and with murder comes far more mental noise and sanity loss.

It’s like a full circle of true bliss and happiness devolving into agony and insanity. Happier than you ever were before... then it’s all taken from you, stripped away, and buried into questions that cannot be answered no matter how much effort you put. It’s no wonder Satoshi’s loss added such powerful strain on Shion Sonozaki... To deal with those raw emotions? Once logic and problem-solving measures yields no results, that’s when a clear picture becomes exponentially blurred, only intensifying the more you fall deeper into it. I caught myself mentally telling her, “Slow down, Shion. You’ll have your answers soon enough. Some things cannot directly be changed in the world. Some circumstances cannot have intervention.”

Based on how she describes Satoshi is contrast to Keiichi, it’s evident what her type of man is. Once she found him, it’s only him now. No other man can compare. Satoshi is gentle, naïve, airheaded in many facets of life (including but not limited to, ordinary activities like shopping or sports), softhearted, higher empathy than most, and unfortunately suffers a lot mentally due to abuse at home, among other things. This fits all of what Shion loves, and due to her protective and obsessive nature, him suffering furthers her love and dominance over him and his affairs.

That said, there’s also a dominate vs. dominant complex going on. While she feels prowess in aiding and advising Satoshi on typical no-brainer tasks, he still has a dominating feature which conversely is his gentle pets. It freezes her on the spot and she’s instantly incapsulated by his touch. It’s so sweet. A beautiful dynamic unlike any other I ever witnessed.

As the feelings of love flourishes, so too do the feelings of growing spite and hatred towards all who oppose or negatively affects Satoshi. Shion begins to despise Satoko for her role in relying on Satoshi for emotional and protective support.

This is what drove a mental decline for Shion, as her obsessive and recurring thoughts happened, she reinforced them with compulsive repetition. Repeating these thoughts with emotions of fear and sadness associated with them is a recipe for disaster... a turning point for her wellbeing. Despite this increasing mental noise, Shion I would say, has a strong feminine emotional intelligence. She is opportunistic overall with feminine cues, just like how she boasted to Mion, “That just means you can’t slack off for even a moment, Sis, because you’ve got a rival. Tears can attract men, but they don’t anchor them. You should always be smiling, but cry when it really counts!”

I think we can all relate on this one. We all wish to appeal to the one we love, and the ones who love hard... tend to do the more drastic measures to be in their light, like changing themselves or picking up the hobbies they enjoy, etc. It is psychologically known that opposites do not attract, so employing these changes generally work in your favor - but at what cost? This leads into my next point...

Identity. As her mental state declines, her internal identity crisis intensifies. She had it buried within her the whole time. Her entire life since birth, she may feel as though her twin cast a shadow over her. Sure, she brushed it off with pride and flair to differentiate, but at the end of the day, they are identical twins. One was cast aside, and one was titled the next Sonozaki heir. It is perspicuous what this emphasizes... One is better, or at the very least, more fitting than the other. A lost sense of self, a castaway, sent off to a faraway prison or “school” whilst the other shines brightly... It’s evident what damage this caused Shion internally. While I cannot fully grasp what she feels, since I don’t have a twin, I can only begin to imagine the immense mental weight this put on her and her identity. Her loss of identity and low self-esteem internally connects directly to her own reliance on Satoshi. She NEEDS him in order to clear away that mental noise, to give her that boosted sense of self, and to love passionately for a fuller life.

This was the creation of his presence. Her brain protectively created a Satoshi presence to fill the gaps, to finally garner that peace of mind she deserves. It is all in vain, unfortunately, as nothing can compare to the power of his touch, or the sight of his naivety or shy disgruntled nature.

After having an alter ego for years and years, I know the pain and hardship. Though, while I may not know exactly how Shion felt, I do fully connect with plenty of it. I too, would be just as reactionary and passionately murderous if the love of my life disappeared without answers. There were just so many stages where she could have caught herself? I know how hard it must be to lose the one-and-only, and I know how it feels impossible to feel sane, and I also know how that alter-ego, that demon, that presence, can ensnare you without ever feeling like it would let go... but, after getting help... I promise that it does. I sought out professional help for my own mental noise and alter ego and identity crisis, and the medication and therapy helped me more than I can ever ask for...

I only wonder if this could have been prevented had she sought medical help from Dr. Irie. In conclusion, a fantastic in-depth chapter. I loved every bit of it!

#higurashi #higurashi when they cry #visual novel #video games #pc games #shion sonozaki

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zhansww · 4 years

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I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

—

If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

#long post #personal #about me #depression tw #text

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kaorimiyazonotl · 3 years

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Life After 2020

Life as we know it evolved and changed in more ways than one, and that's normal. The word “normal” is a word that people use to describe the usual occurrences of our world. It’s our daily routine. That’s being human. People tend to say that “the world keeps evolving,” and so far it has been evolving very quickly. With each passing day of 2021, people were supposed to be finding ways to recover for the chaotic year of 2020, where everyone suffered greatly in one way or another. This year we’ve been on a tipsy road covered in cracks.

At first it was just another year of masks, social distancing, and online learning for teachers and students. March marked one year. Some people thought 2021 might be the year where everything slowed down and all our worries disappeared. The truth is people’s daily worries don’t go away that easily. We are not cruising through 2021 like we thought we would. Which made me question whether or not the world itself will go back to normal.

People have probably heard that “2020 was such a tough year.” Well, that’s the past, the present is now. According to every news article, television, and social media network 2020 is happening again. Only this time students and teachers haven’t gone back online. The world has been divided like a great battle against one another and it’s been going on for a year and a half. I understand that this is and continues to be a part of our world, but when will we stop wearing masks?

Over the summer I went to New Mexico and the word normal popped into my head. I remembered the days where life was at least decent and you could see a smile on someone’s face. But when August came around it was like 2020 all over again, back to wearing masks. A mask covers everything, from smiles to frowns. Nowadays the only way we can tell someone’s expression is by taking our masks off or looking into each others’ eyes.

In the beginning of 2021 things remained practically the same, stores were closing, dine in restaurants weren’t available still and the continuation to keep our masks on once you’ve entered a place were still intact. So nothing new was really happening except what the news was showing us. But progress was happening, just not not big enough to see but small enough to notice. Still as the saying goes “we’re in the same boat” or “you are not alone” everyone had to face the same thing that was happening. It’s very cliche to hear since people have used that saying before, nevertheless it’s true since everyone went through something just as similar.

We probably all were “in the same boat” last year, but everyone’s method of coping is different. People don’t suddenly recover, it’s a step-by-step process that takes a while. That’s just how things are. Still, the question remains: Will life go back to normal? Will we be able to handle the new changes in the world?

First off; there is no such thing as normal, it is just a word used to describe something plain or to describe a person who dresses or acts like everybody else. I’m asking if life will go back to the way it used to be. There are possibilities to anything, about the way we think, might know, and what we’re searching for. So, we might not even know the whole truth to this question.

According to health experts say that for normalcy to return “. . .the country needs to reach herd immunity...The more people are vaccinated, the less likely the virus will spread.” ( What will the end of the COVID pandemic look like? - WHYY). So that could be our saving grace, if that ends up happening. But what if there are people who don’t want to get vaccinated? What will experts say then? People have their own beliefs and some will do what they think is right.

But other people say differently, that the “normal life” isn’t back yet, and it doesn’t appear “normal will be coming back fully this fall,” says writer Jim Geraghty (Is 'Normal' COVID-19 Life for Americans Going to Return by 2022?). Well, it depends on the people and where they stand.

I know that where I stand I have my own beliefs and opinions. I still have much to learn, however, I should at least have the capability of knowing right from wrong. That’s the meaning of existence, people think they know right from wrong based on what they believe in. As teenager’s we think we might know, but we’re still learning. Our parents may tell us what our beliefs are but we choose where we stand between certain beliefs. We also know that because we want freedom we can’t just do as we please.

In the real world, we have tons of responsibilities. If there are teens who are easily influenced, it’s going to be tough for them. Life itself is like taking a big test, it’s to see if young adults are capable of being independent, responsible, and capable of working well with others. From the article What will the end of the COVID pandemic look like? - WHYY, Gretchen Chapman, a psychology professor at Carnegie Mellon University, thinks that “it’s the responsibility of health experts to guide people about which activities are safe and which aren’t as more and more people are vaccinated.” What exactly do people think that belief or theory will lead to? Why follow sheep when we can be the shepherd?

Throughout school, we were taught to “be a leader, not a follower.” But not everyone is perfect so how do we know? From our perspective of things, we can only tell by what our beliefs are and how strong they are. But health experts also say that “It’s not certain what percentage of the population needs to be vaccinated...But many medical experts estimate that it’s 70% to 80%.” ( What will the end of the COVID pandemic look like? - WHYY) It is uncertain that maybe by fall things should go smoothly if we follow what they think is true.

If things go upwards then by 2022 things “should be normal, or at least whatever qualifies as normal post-pandemic...The virus will still exist, but one possibility is that it will be less likely to make people severely ill and that it will [be] like the flu..but the virus wouldn’t rage out of control again,” Writer Joe Pinsker put in the articleThe Most Likely Timeline for Life to Return to Normal - The Atlantic

So as of next year, there is a hypothetical theory that “normalcy” to the world won’t be showing up until next year? And will the virus be contained this time? Well, this is just a simple theory. As I have said things change all around us, what if it’ll take multiple years to recover? How will we know if what they say isn’t true at all? There are so many unknown questions that everyone has and we don’t even have the answers to most of those questions.

Students at my school have their own beliefs about whether or not the world will go back to normal. Most students had the same answer but everyone I interviewed had a strong opinion on the question asked. Some students said, “look at the facts,” “Once everyone is [or gets] vaccinated things should be okay.” But my most favorite would be from a student who had pointed out that “Once you progress there is no going back.” In my honest opinion it is true, life keeps going forward, yesterday was the past, today is the present and tomorrow is the future.

Every student compared how the world was and what it could or could not turn out to be by relating it to history. It “repeats itself..things that have stopped for a while they always have a way to resume back to normal. Like when the black plague happened [or] when the Spanish flu [happened]..it never went away [but] it took so long for life to go back to normal.”

Particularly speaking, there is a possibility that it may take years or more for life to return to normal. Normalcy does take a while to recover, it may take more than just months and like people always say “life isn't easy.” But those are students who referred life back to history and stated that it took years for them to handle the situation.

Students who said yes to the world returning to normal, most of them all replied the same. “People will get vaccinated,” “We should be vaccinated,” “the more people get vaccinated” or “Because we already have a vaccine.” They think that being vaccinated will turn things around, that’s what they hope for, they believe if people get the vaccine we should go back to normal. But you can’t force people to do what you think is right. That’s not how the world works, we are all entitled to our own opinion.

A student whose a junior, had said “I think covid, being here won't change anything even if people do get vaccinated.” That might be true some students said that covid will be around for a long time now and it’s not going to go away, not that easily. “We barely go back down and go back up.” If the roller coaster continues there’s no telling if what the students have said is true. It may take years to get back on track. Normalcy is just a word used to describe anything, but there is no such thing as normal, to begin with. I think that there is a fifty-fifty percent chance that there will be major changes in the future. There are a ton of possibilities to anything and everything.

#life decisions #summer 2021

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bondsmagii · 3 years

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(cw: I'm about to get real crass about CSA because it makes me real mad and that's how I cope)

the cultural reaction to cuties is infuriating to me, especially how even defenders feel the need to criticise the hypersexualised camera shots for ""normalising sexualistion of children in film"". Like, this is a thing that is happening in real life, right now, folks! Real Life Kids commonly do dances like these, in clothes like these, in an attempt to copy adult women being framed in shots like that! That's basically a good fifth of Tik Tok! The shots being of kids instead of adults is intentionally horrific, because it's trying to highlight that that kind of societal gaze is what pressured them to do the dances and wear the clothes and everything else; to take a thing that we've all come to accept as normal (8 year olds online twerking to songs explicitly about sex) and make us see how horrific it is, so people might give a shit for once. (A real shit, not that Pizzagate-adjacent thing where people only bring it up in service of criticising something/someone they already didn't like, and never exploring why it's so prevalent to begin with). You know, the filmic opposite of normalisation?? It's incredibly disappointing that people's takeaway appears to be: "ew gross, look at how horny this camera is for literal children. Glad this absolutely isn't a thing that happens in real life that I will go straight back to ignoring while patting myself on the back for identifying this media as Problematic

And the idea that "a pedophile could get off to this" makes any sense as criticism! I guess pedophiles only get off to children in revealing clothing, huh? So all children need to do to avoid pedophiles is, uh... *checks notes* "dress less slutty". I *wish* I lived in a world where pedophiles were genuinely waiting on feature films to deliver them a few shots of children in revealing clothing, instead of trading real CP that has caused untold suffering. Sometimes it really feels like people are more invested in weaponising the idea of suffering children in rhetoric, rather than the welfare of real children. It's the same disconnect that makes it impossible to bring up things like early intervention programs for pedophiles without being called a pedophile yourself (a rich thing to call someone who was on the receiving end, and takes about a year off my lifespan every time).

Every time someone brings this movie up, I feel like I'm losing my marbles. Otherwise smart and insightful people seem completely willing to misread it in the most infuriating way possible. It's like it's the Asch conformity test, and I'm the rube in the last chair wondering whether I even watched the same movie as them. It's comforting to see at least one other person on this godforsaken planet comprehending that The Sexualised Children Shots Are Horrific On Purpose in this movie trying to push people out of complacency

honestly go off like I could not have said this better myself. this is exactly what's been pissing me off about the response to this movie and my post about it in general.

this is what I cannot get my head around. like, people are freaking out over how this movie normalises the sexualisation of young children, but somehow miss the point that it's already been normalised. the movie would not be necessary if this hadn't already become a completely normal part of society. even walking around the shops in town I see children maybe 10 or 11 years old dressed like Instagram models, faces full of makeup, revealing clothing... it's honestly disturbing. these kids think that's acceptable, they think that's what they need to do in order to have worth, and it's terrifying. if I had my own children, I would be terrified for them. the movie is not the problem. why people can't direct this anger and outrage to websites like TikTok instead, I have no idea. probably because that would require actual work, and we all know these people are addicted to outrage and self-righteousness and absolutely allergic to any kind of effort to create real change.

It's incredibly disappointing that people's takeaway appears to be: "ew gross, look at how horny this camera is for literal children. Glad this absolutely isn't a thing that happens in real life that I will go straight back to ignoring while patting myself on the back for identifying this media as Problematic"

people get so offended when they're made to feel uncomfortable. I have no idea why. I'm trying to work out this thought process but it's simply beyond me. it baffles me that people can see something that's actually happening in the world, and instead of getting angry about the actual issue, they decide to attack the female director of the movie about said issue, who is writing from her own experience. like, how in god's name these people managed to miss the point so badly, I do not know. the manoeuvres they had to do to miss a point that big and obvious should make them all automatic gold medal winners in Olympic gymnastics.

(I do think that a lot of people yelling the loudest about Cuties have probably only seen the Netflix promotional poster and then devoured a bunch of Twitter threads highlighting the apparent problems and possibly a view video essays on YouTube showing the most dramatic and out of context shots of the girls, however.)

right? like. this point is so fucking useless. by this logic, we should ban everything with photos of children in it. if a paedophile is going to waste time going to see a full feature movie just to see some young girls twerking-- I mean, why would they in the first place? why would a paedophile do that when they can just sign on to TikTok and see thousands of hours of footage of young girls twerking? and if "revealing clothing" is all it takes, what's stopping this paedophile from going to the local pool and watching the kids in swimwear? what's stopping this paedophile from going and picking up a clothing catalogue and flipping to the pictures of little girls in dresses? the fact that people can compare the content of a feature-length film to actual CP fucking baffles me. like. it's actually insulting to compare things like that -- and by extension, any child on the street in a t-shirt or a dress or a skirt or a swimsuit -- to actual CP. like, who looks at a kid and thinks like that? if you want to stop paedophiles being creeps, you'd have to lock kids up in the house until they're 18 and ban all depictions of kids forever. paedophiles are gonna be creeps no matter what, and they're not going to bother with a full film when they can log onto TikTok and comment something creepy on footage of a real life child who might even message back and enter into communication with them. like, damn. why aren't more people getting mad and outraged about that?

Sometimes it really feels like people are more invested in weaponising the idea of suffering children in rhetoric, rather than the welfare of real children.

they are. "somebody please think of the children" is now the rallying cry of the right (all leading Democrats are secret paedophiles, the LGBT agenda is making Our Innocent Christian Children into perverts) and the left (problematic media is Harming Our Innocent Children, everything needs to be censored and squeaky clean so the Metaphorical Children don't stumble across it and think it's acceptable). it's the quickest way to get people outraged and it works like a charm. as soon as somebody starts rallying under the flag of protecting kids, it gives them a fast pass to power and influence. who wants to be seen to not care about kids? who wants to risk being called a paedophile or a child abuser? unfortunately their eagerness to declare everybody such has resulted in it losing its meaning. now when I see someone accused of paedophilia I no longer feel the usual revulsion but instead a tired suspicion followed by hours of research to determine if they are actually abusing children, or if they ship the wrong thing. to put the numbers into perspective, the one and only time I found out somebody was actually abusing minors, I was genuinely shocked because I had never found a true accusation before in oh, six years? which is unsurprising, seems I have been called a paedophile and told I shouldn't be around children because I like a villain from a YA series. as for real children, none of these people give a shit.

It's comforting to see at least one other person on this godforsaken planet comprehending that The Sexualised Children Shots Are Horrific On Purpose in this movie trying to push people out of complacency

that's exactly it right there -- it's horrific on purpose, but these people can't understand that. to them, literature and art and film is supposed to always make you feel good, and if it doesn't it's mean and abusive and you should have warned for it and also you're an asshole for making it in the first place. for people who only consume media to feel good, and only create it to feel progressive and wholesome, it's inconceivable why people would create something depressing or disturbing. because they're consuming media of only things they like, they assume everyone else is. ergo, if you make something nasty, it's because you're into something nasty. if you write about a murderous villain, it's because you want to be a murderous villain. if you direct a movie about children being sexually exploited, you must want to sexually exploit children.

these people cannot understand that art is supposed to teach and inform as well as comfort and coddle. some art is there to make you feel good, and other art is there to make you take notice of injustice and suffering and make you angry and upset enough to want to do something about it. these people do not understand that at all, and with this kind of logic they would try to ban Holocaust survivors from speaking at schools because it's too upsetting to think about, rather than paying attention to the message that such things get across. we cannot change society without empathy, and to experience empathy for something outside our own understanding and experience, we need to come into contact with people who have lived through it. we need to see it depicted. that's how we learn to feel for others. it puts a face to the suffering and makes it easier to stay motivated and stay mad.

but no. these people just want to be nice and fuzzy and safe. that's all that matters to them, and anyone who thinks they're wrong for doing it must be a paedophile or something. right. gotcha.

#long post #anon #asks

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stranger-who-writes-fiction · 3 years

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Me, throughout the entirety of 6x05:

And I suppose I could just leave it there but NO, we’re doing a LIST. Of all the excellent things from “Prom Night!”

SPOILERS!

AV Club reviewer giving this episode the first ‘A’ of the season: :D

AV Club reviewer still insisting that “Midvale” was filler: D:<

Forever destined to disagree with the AV Club reviews in some way or another...

Okay, so! We begin with a very helpful reminder from Alex that things are different, in this Post-Crisis World!

(I mean, on the one hand, am I slightly distressed that key aspects of the Pilot and the WHOLE of “Midvale” are now gone, along with Earth-38? Yes.

On the other, Kara remembers her lived-experiences of everything that had transpired in the Earth-38 timeline, so they still sorta happened and have informed her characterization.

So...it’s fine. It’s fine. This is fine.)

I do love that, ‘Kara punched a meteorite out of the sky’ is now a Thing That Happened, though.

(Well perhaps NOT ANYMORE but I’m getting ahead of myself.)

KENNY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!

“Scooby-Duo” listen, as someone who has already imagined all these kiddos in Hanna-Barbera cartoon style, running around Midvale, solving crimes and saving the day, I loved this description.

Alex being like, ‘DO. NOT. SCREW UP. MY PAST.’ ahhhhh we love to see that scary Older Sibling energy on full display.

And then Brainy and Nia are off to the past!

The only thing that could’ve made the utterance of ‘totes’ worse would’ve been the addition of, ‘magotes’. Thank goodness they exercised restraint in the writers’ room.

FORTUNATELY the terrible ordeal of reliving dated slang is offset by some truly excellent lines and line-reads throughout the rest of the episode.

For instance! Loved Brainy’s, ‘the perfect optical illusion’ and ‘off the dash, please.’ So great.

Other honorable mentions: ‘Damn it, Mitch!’ ‘That’s a LOT of exposure’ and I forget the line itself but when Cat’s like, ‘normal town my a--’ and then the cut to commercial break AAAAAHHHHHH so good.

Okay, back to the episode, Nia and Brainy, on the Legion Cruiser, AND THEN!

AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!

OUR KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!!!!!

I love them. It won’t happen, but gosh, I want a Midvale spin-off so bad.

Like, the Crisis retcon made some space in the girls’ past for a spin-off to actually...kinda work.

(But sustaining the premise across multiple episodes/seasons would be tricky and there would always be the threat of running up against like. The current show’s continuity.

But hey! They could just ignore it, I guess! That’s what the Superman show is doing!) *insert frowny emoji here*

So the kids have gathered with Alex for milkshakes, which is delightful.

But ALL IS NOT WELL! As Alex reads about the ‘luckiest town’ and is like:

(Except with a lot more anxiety and frowning)

I feel as though we already knew Alex went to Stanford but I can’t remember if Kara’s (terrible) resume revealed that she went to National City University?

*Checks* Yes it did.

Another thing I LOVE is just. Alex as the Responsible One, whose anxiety is perpetually cranked to a 9.5, driving the Scooby-Duo around in the suburban mom van for super-ing jobs.

Also, ‘super-ing’ is an excellent verb, 15/10

Young Cat Grant! ....More on her later.

Nicole and Jesse did such a great job with the comedy in this episode--their initial attempt at a cover story/lie is so good.

And the masterful transition into an actual good lie that Nia knew would win Kara over...VERY NICE.

Kara being so obviously thrilled that there are OTHER ALIENS! WITH POWERS! HERE, IN MIDVALE! RIGHT HERE!

Fandom has ruined the whole ‘Kara has golden retriever energy’ as is their way but I must say...very much getting ‘excited puppy energy’ here.

Nia and Kara comparing powers was so CUUUUUUUUTE!!!!

As was the picture on Kenny’s desk of him and Kara. D’aaaawwww.

(But OH NO SADNESS...BECAUSE A BREAKUP IS IMMINENT.)

Okay in addition to all of the incredibly adorable content we also get lots of FAMILY FEEEEEEELINGS, which: Yes, good, yes.

But Eliza is only here as a PICTURE on Kara’s nightstand and a NAME on Alex’s badge, I am sad. :C

(Hope Helen Slater is in this last season at some point...need that soothing mom energy after all the Phantom Zone angst)

I think I’m out of order now but Kenny wanting to help Kara help people is just. The most adorable thing.

Spoiler alert: I use the word ‘adorable’ a lot in this list. Sorry...but also not.

The Brainy music when he’s in the school computer lab watching the printer is really great. I think we’ve heard it before, but it meshed so well with the whole vibe of both the character and the episode, just stood out nicely, I guess.

Okay, so. Do we think that Jesse could always do the baseball bat tricks, and the writers wrote it in, or do we think that he learned them for the show? My money is on the former.

Either way, very impressive.

And now for the truck situation! I kinda thought it would turn out that it was Cat’s doing, as she was trying to suss out the ‘super’, but nope, it was the blue dudes.

(Which makes more sense, since they have no qualms about endangering other people.)

And ON THAT NOTE, the blue guys! They are the perfect level of ridiculous, and they are wonderfully straightforward in ways that the Phantoms are not.

Also, I love that one of them is named Mitch?

Nia and Kara save the day!

After Kara busts the brakes and is like, ‘uhhh....they’re not working’

I noticed the Metropolis license plate and while yes it’s a little strange that plates are...apparently city-based in this corner of Earth Prime, stranger still is that Cat presumably drove clear across the country to check out this story. Right? Like, that’s the only way she has that plate out in Midvale?

Wait, wait. Totally forgot to mention Kara and Nia’s EXTREMELY OBVIOUS ‘don’t be suspicious’ sunglasses gambit at the Midvale College campus you absolute DORKS.

Right, so.

Remember those FAMILY FEELZ??? WELL!

We’ve got Nia’s call to her mom, which, oof. OOOOOF.

And then we have even MORE FEELINGS aka: The garage talk.

Okay. OKAY. So even though I’m a little sad “Midvale” no longer occurred in Earth Prime’s timeline, I am fascinated by the ways this new series of events have impacted Alex, Kara, and their past. (Also thrilled that Kenny lives, natch). Alex’s resentment and the burden of ‘protect Kara, PROTECT KARA’ have been left to simmer while Kara’s determination to help people has led to some...earnest but slightly careless secret hero work. The building blocks of the conflict introduced in “Midvale” are still there so while it might at first seem a little...repetitive, for Alex to lay all this out to Kara, it’s really just the reveal of a new boiling point; a post-crisis update on the scene in Midvale where Alex is like, ‘I had two parents before you showed up.’

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH IT’S EMOTIONALLY DEVESTATING I LOVE IT.

And then like. The new, but also not-new angle, of Alex leveraging her world-weariness against Kara’s youthful optimism/somewhat reckless desire to help, and then Kara throwing BACK that she’s explored other solar systems.

The LAYERS.

Also that Alex is like, ‘we need weapons, let’s tell mom and also call the DEO,’ classic Alex.

The garage talk ends with Kara determined to come clean to Kenny...BUT OH NO, THE HERO HIDEOUT IS SO CUTE, AND KENNY IS SO DEAR.

And the reveal that the almost-kiss in “Midvale” actually happened d’awwwww these kids.

Like. I am legitimately torn, here. I totally understand and support Kara in being honest with Kenny about the whole college situation--but also GAH. KENNY IS SO NICE AND CUTE AND EARNEST.

You know what ELSE is nice and cute and earnest?

Nia singing “9 to 5″ to Brainy to cope with stress and boost morale.

Heckin’ adorable, gosh.

Aaaaaand some other stuff occurred as the episode closed out but I don’t have them in my notes and BASICALLY I want the next hour like, now. Right now. Because this was WONDERFUL. FROM START TO FINISH.

So some Overall thoughts!

I said we’d get to Cat ‘CJ’ Grant later, so here we are: I...think I liked her? Overall? It was a performance that gradually won me over, is how I would describe it.

Absolutely wild that Cat built a media empire in a mere six years.

Also her whole, ‘I am going to find this extraordinary being and name them and kick Lois Lane into the classifieds’...I mean she eventually gets two out of three, there.

As I already started to mention, sad that Eliza wasn’t here! But it makes sense, since a lot of this, Kara is trying to keep on the DL.

Obviously, I am ALWAYS down for these flashback situations with the young Danvers. But it was also nice to take a break from the Phantom stuff. The plot here is simple/streamlined in a way the Phantom stuff...isn’t. I love the emotional character stuff coming out of the Phantom Zone arc but wow, the Phantoms are just. Needlessly complicated.

The little episode recap where Lena is explaining that Phantom Prime is like a bloodhound was like, ‘oh right, they do that too...in addition to all the other stuff that they apparently do.’

So, yes. Welcome change.

The change of scenery + type of action was nice too!

Though RIP to everyone’s hair, fighting against the moisture.

This episode also handled the Brainy/Nia relationship really well, IMO. Like, due to the whole, ‘trying to fit so much in, always’ approach to Supergirl episodes sometimes results in a bit of...one-sidedness, for various characters. Think for instance of Kelly needing to cheer everyone on in episode 2, but not having space for her own feelings/emotional needs in that episode.

I’ve felt that a bit with Brainy and Nia thus far--one will sort of take up more narrative space, so the relationship feels a little lopsided.

NOT SO HERE! They are both going through some stuff, they are both struggling to cope, they both come to rely on one another for help.

YES. GOOD. YES!!!!

Something I’m loving about season 6 overall is that so far, it doesn’t feel like the plot is stepping on character development too much. Like, it still isn’t a perfect balance, and some episodes manage it better than others, but compared to season 5? Leaps and bounds.

Everything was so nicely tied together and the dialogue was witty, the humor was delightful, EVERYONE WAS ADORABLE AND EARNEST AND DID I MENTION ADORABLE?* but they never lost sight of the themes and emotional through-lines and GAAAAAHHHHHH MIDVALE EPISODES ARE THE BEEEEEESTTTTTTTTT!

*Okay Alex was mainly stressed out but that’s to be expected.

TL;DR - Best episode of the season thus far? Best episode of the season thus far.

#SG post #long post #supergirl spoilers #supergirl season 6 spoilers #gif

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adiabolikpastel · 3 years

Text

Title: Lunar Eclipse Masquerade

Laito pt. 1

Rating: PG 13

Word Count: 1,576

Pairing: Laito x Yuki (m/m)

ღ Living with Laito has it's challenges, but Yuki just wants to try to make things right - but were they ever? ღ

Mun Yu: This is going to be presented a little different than my other written works. Since it is so long, I have decided to publish it in parts, rather than the novel that it is. Each boy will receive their own post, some getting more post than others. For each post, it will make a sort of time line of events - to help paint the entire story. All post will begin with the premise, and the continuation under the cut. Enjoy.

Additionally: I would love to thank @akai-anemone for their wonderful analysis on the affects of the Lunar Eclipse in DL

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ﾟ｡. +ﾟ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

Despite what most people think, demonic beings are very social creatures. The elites hold countless balls and parties, celebrating their immortality together, and entertaining one another with stories. Typically, they are done in celebration for something – though this is not always the case. All types of beings from across the Demon Realm will come if the host is of high enough prestige.

There would be no such host if it was not for Karlheinz. Seated as the head of the Bat Clan (vampires), Karl’s reach spans far. Being the widow for the former Demon King’s daughter, and having children of the first blood, an invitation from the Vampire King is not one to refuse. Though why would you? In his immaculate castle within the Demon Realm, Eden Castle, it is always quite the spectacle. While the celebrations held in his Human World mansion are nice, nothing compares to a true night of pleasure within the true home of the King.

On this night, there was to be a Masquerade in honor of the first Lunar Eclipsed Moon in over two years. While this night may serve each species differently, the idea to celebrate its return was simply too tempting. For this reason, Karlheinz took it upon himself – or rather – his house, to host the event. This extended to his offspring as well, regardless of their personal agenda. Members of every social elite race accepted the offer, and gathered for a truly unforgettable evening.

With Yuki still in school, there were large hours where he was unable to see Laito. He longed to simply quit, but his keeper wouldn’t allow that. Dr. Reinhart had been nothing but kind and accommodating to him. So there was no way he could disrespect him in that way. The doctor was already understanding of his desire to leave the Sakamaki’s manor with Laito.

It was under the condition that he be responsible, so Yuki got a job during the day. In the mornings he would work at a coffee shop. It was a miracle that he even got the job – but Yuki was fairly sure Laito secured it for him. Laito was so kind! There was no way he would have been able to do it on his own.

He was actually surprised that he wasn’t fired. Yuki was never loud enough for customers to hear, and people in the morning can be really angry! Yet here he was, at 7 am, working. He’d had this job for a couple of months now. On this particular morning, he would be there until noon, which wasn’t too bad.

“H-How can I help you?” Yuki asked, as the next guest came up to the register. They ordered very quickly, “Ua… I’m sorry… Could you say that one more time?” He was able to understand it a little better, “One… um… Do you want that with regular milk or-" The guest glares at him, “S-Sorry! My… I don’t work that fast so if you could…” They repeat to him once more, this time much slower. “Thank you… We’ll get that ready for you…” He offers them a smile and they go down to the other window.

The day continues like this, though most people are less patient. Finally his shift comes to an end, and the manager calls him into her office. “You… asked to see me?” She directs him to sit as she finishes sending a text. Yuki obeys, sitting in the small chair, fidgeting slightly.

It feels like forever before she finally acknowledges him. Telling him finally that his work ethic is there, but he has no talent for customer service. However, she would be willing to keep him on, if he gave her his ‘friends’ number. She goes on to say that after they hooked up a few times, he’s never given her a phone number to call him at.

Yuki sat motionless for a moment. It wasn’t as if the news was surprising. Laito had always slept around. However, this felt dirty. “… I’m sorry ma’am… Senpai doesn’t have a number to call. So… if that’s all…” He needed to get out of here. It was taking all of his strength not to throw up. The manager tries to start talking again, but Yuki excuses himself and rushes out of the shop.

He ran as far as he could, before his stomach couldn’t take it anymore. Moving away from others, he can’t help but lurch over and let his body cope. It felt awful. Not just the act of heaving, but the pain in his chest to go with it. Why was everything like this? Yuki could feel tears sting as he lowered himself into a crouch.

What was he lacking? Was it so bad that he was a man? Wasn’t it enough to love Laito more than anything? Why was this so hard? Yuki couldn’t even answer himself as the tears fell onto the ground. What was he doing all of this for? After allowing himself a moment to calm down, Yuki walked home. Normally, he would use this time to jog, but he didn’t think it was smart to do that today.

He and Laito were renting a luxurious apartment, which Laito mostly ‘paid’ for. Yuki wasn’t sure how he did, but decided it was a vampire thing. The little money that Yuki made himself, went to keeping food in the house. Even though Laito ate that too. As Yuki entered, all the lights were switched off. This was normal, as Laito was probably sleeping.

Yuki moved as quietly as possible, and walked over to his ‘room’. Laito didn’t want to get any more space than needed, so if Yuki was adamant on living with him – he would have to be on the coach. Today this all seemed to bother him. Perhaps it was because he never got to see Laito anymore, even though they lived together. With school, work, and who knows what Laito does – it was as if the two were strangers.

Perhaps that is what hurt the most? Why all these thoughts and worries ran through his head. Yuki decided that it was not the time to think too hard on it – as he was exhausted. So the small human used the restroom to change, get ready for bed, and tucked himself into bed. Determined that tomorrow night he would see Laito.

“Huh!? How did you find me?” Laito’s voice startled Yuki awake. Shooting up in worry he looks around to see Laito sitting at the breakfast counter. Nude it would seem, aside from his headband. Before him was a raven, but it wasn’t making any sounds. “I do not plan to ever go back there.” Laito affirms to the bird.

Yuki sits up and scuttles to the restroom while Laito finishes his conversation. When he comes out, the vampire is pouting while eating some cereal. “Even when I'm gone they expect me to do these things. I cannot believe this.” Yuki walks into the kitchen to prepare himself some food, but all the cereal is gone. “… Laito-senpai… are we all out of-?”

“Hm? Oh… I didn’t see you there.” Laito smirks at the human before him. “Sorry~ I was so hungry after… well… you get it. Ah, but you have no school tonight right~ Go to the store and buy some more.” He finishes the last bites of his own.

Yuki nods softly, deciding that he didn’t need breakfast anyway. “Senpai… I was… could we maybe… tonight…”

“Ehh? Laito-kun has plans tonight. Not to mention my glasses wearing older brother, has told me to come home.” He says, sighing and walking back to his room. In a bit of a panic, Yuki follows after him. Laito tries to shut his door, but Yuki gets in the way, squeaking in pain for a moment. “What is it, Stalker-kun?”

Yuki held onto Laito’s door, he wanted to ask him if he could go with him. Wanted to tell him about yesterday. He didn’t want to be left alone in this place. “C-Could I… we could go… together! That would be… better right… I mean…”

Laito looks down at the human trembling in the doorway. Then out into the living room. The place was well kept, but it had Yuki’s things everywhere. His school books, clothes, blankets. “When are you going to get it?” He finally says. Yuki looks up at him confused. “Don’t you think it’s been long enough? I am annoyed with seeing you all the time.”

Yuki's heart thumped in his ears. He could barely hear what Laito was saying. He was annoyed with him? They barely got to see one another, and he was annoyed. “M-Maybe if we… were actually able to… to sp-spend time together… l-like before…!” Yuki could feel his fist gripping tighter to Laito’s door. He didn’t know what to do or say.

Laito let out a tsk, “I am able to do as I please now – though clearly not as much as I had thought. Why would I need to keep you around? I do not need your blood. I do not need your body. Fufu…” Laito reaches down and takes a hold of Yuki’s chin, “You are an eyesore to me…. And I want you out.” Without another word, Laito effortlessly pulled Yuki from the door. Tossed him slightly out of the way, and closed the door behind him.

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ﾟ｡. +ﾟ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡ TO BE CONTINUED ☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

#writing #Lunar Eclipse Masquerade #LEM #laito sakamaki #yuki awashima #laiki

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