#like I'm unwell now but I was Very Unwell a year ago when I first started cutting them off

[invisiblerhythmcat]

ugh, of course I accidentally stumbled onto something my partner wrote about how fucked up things are for them

and it's so hard to not have that deeply gnawing guilt that I'm a horrible person for abandoning them and that I'm the cause of one of their complete brain melts

so, just, going to publicly remind myself that I didn't abandon them - I'm still keeping track of certain things for them and am very prepared to jump in if there's any reason to fear that will not be housed or fed

also, them suffering does not mean I have to suffer too.

we were in a completely untenable situation in which I was basically torturing myself in order to take care of them and that wasn't good for either of us. yes, it's not good that I had to step back. and yes, it's unfair that I have been able to start building the life I want and they have not, but that is not my fault.

I am too fucked up to be a caretaker for more than one person and I made myself incredibly sick taking care of them but not me

this is a product of society fucking disabled people over. They should have all this support without needing to rely on family and partners. I should also have support as a disabled person. I should also have had support as a caretaker. Instead, the third person who was supposed to be my support was actively making things worse

and, no matter how fucked up they are, I am allowed to hurt. They did and said incredibly hurtful things. Maybe it was just because their brain is a mess and they can't always control it, but it still hurt and I'm allowed to hurt.

The one time this happened and I asked for an apology (because I was hurting), they refused because it wasn't their fault because their brain is just weird sometimes. I'm allowed to be angry about that. I'm allowed to be angry that they never acknowledged my hurt, even if I understand that it came from a place of desperation and fear.

It was supposed to be for only a month and a half. I hung on for over two years. That's not abandonment. That's not being a horrible ableist who refuses to take care of their partner. That's a really dedicated, committed person who accepted a huge amount of harm with no support trying to keep a person alive and happy at all costs.

Like, it really fucking sucks that it's like this now. They don't fucking deserve any of this. But I didn't either and I fucking tried my best to give them everything they deserved.

[housetargaryenloyalist]

Oh So Sweet

Pairing: Jacaerys Velaryon x reader

Summary: Although married off at age three and ten and sent away from Kings Landing, you never forgot your first love.

Word count: 2.7K

Content warnings: Bad parenting? Some self doubt and sadness, and also fluffy flufness.

Little author's note/disclaimer: (feel free to skip this)

I haven't written anything properly in years, which means I am very very very rusty. I essentially wrote this as bit of challenge to myself and I know it is not my greatest work, but I'm still proud of it.

So I hope you will like this! Feedback is welcomed and very appreciated <3

Happy reading!

Six years, that is how long you had been gone from King’s Landing and now you were back to celebrate Jacaerys Velaryon’s 20th name day. You had come as a representative from your husband’s house. He was currently indisposed due to some nasty fever and was too unwell to make the journey, and although you wouldn't admit it aloud you were all too happy to journey alone. Eager to see the man again whom you had loved since childhood.

Your husband was an insufferable swine four times your senior who had essentially trapped you in his estate after your marriage. Not allowing you to leave unless he were to breathe down your neck, it infuriated you.

However this specific name day celebration invitation had urged you specifically to attend, therefore you could not refuse or you would risk the fury of the royal household. Their fury was not one you wished to invoke.

Although it had been six years it felt as though little had changed in the Red Keep, much still looked the same. The same Targaryen heraldry hung the walls and decorated the castle, reminding you with every step you took to whom this place belonged. In case you forgot the dragons screeches outside. Years ago your father had been a member of Viserys I’s small council and had taken your mother and you with him to reside in the Red Keep.

It had allowed you to grow up with the royal children, and in that time you had grown partially fascinated with the eldest son of princess Rhaenyra. You had grown so close to him, the both of you were practically inseparable. Close in age and proximity, it was no wonder you were such good friends. He would take you to see Vermax and promise to take you flying to wherever you wanted to go. Every time he would train, he wanted you there and every time he won, he wanted you to be the first to congratulate him. You told him legends and stories of heroes and warriors of old. 

On your tenth name day the two of you had snuck out of the party to the Godswood, it is there under the glowing moon you were discussing the future when Jacaerys had let something slip. “I want to marry you,” he had whispered in a soft voice, almost as if he hadn’t meant to speak it out loud. In response you took his hand in yours as you whispered back “I want that too.”

By the time you were three and ten your mother had discussed a potential engagement between your two houses with Rhaenyra, who hadn’t seemed opposed to it. However, this discussion between the two of them had angered your father. He didn’t want his only daughter to marry a, what in his eyes looked like, a “bastard”. It prompted him to marry you off as soon as possible.Not even two months later you were wed to some lord in the Reach far away from King's landing. It was a sad ceremony and it resulted in a sad marriage.

Early in the evening a knock at your door roused you from your sleep, the handmaidens from earlier had come back to help you get ready. They carried several boxes each revealing a different dress, in various different shades.

“What are these?” You asked as you examined the fabrics up close, they all looked to be of highest quality but you recognised none of them, they were not gowns you had taken with you.

“Courtesy from prince Jacaerys my lady,” one of the handmaidens replied, her answer leaving you shocked. Jacaerys bought you these gowns? Your heart fluttered at the thought and you couldn’t keep your smile at bay. You looked through the many options, there were dresses in shades of purple, pink, red, green.

There was even a gown in the signature black and red of the Targaryen’s, no doubt intentional from him. After a while you settled on one, the fabric feeling soft against your fingers and you had a feeling Jacaerys would be pleased with your choice.

“I choose this one.” You turned to your handmaidens, they nodded and helped you with undressing and then helped you put on the new gown. Afterwards you sat at your vanity as one of the handmaidens did your hair and the others put the other gowns back into their respective boxes. It didn’t take long before you were ready, your hair beautifully done and all the gowns put away, meaning it was now time to make your way to the throne room to join the others in the celebrations. 

The throne room looked amazing, there were tables laid out with food and wine, a large chandelier illuminating the room alongside the various candle holders. Nobles from all over Westeros were gathered here today and were mingling amongst each other. You hadn’t seen a scene so grand since the wedding of prince Aegon to princess Helaena, and even then it had not been so grand. Your arrival was announced by a courtier and as you descended the stairs you looked to the Iron throne.

Rhaenyra Targaryen sat on the throne looking as regal as you remembered her, on her left stood Alicent Hightower with her three children. You were slightly surprised the four of them attended the celebrations especially after the usurpation attempt. Although it was a short lived attempt it was still a shock for the entire realm and you were relieved to see that they all seemed to be on decent terms with each other.

King-consort Daemon stood on the right side of the queen alongside his two daughters and his two youngest stepsons. You almost didn’t recognize Joffrey, he had been so very young when you last saw him, too young for him to remember. With a pang to your heart you made your way to where they served wine and asked for a cup.

The servant handed you your cup and as you were taking your first sip the crow dispersed, the servant who had just a few moments ago announced your arrival now announced the arrival of the guest of honour. “Prince Jacaerys Velaryon of House Velaryon and House Targaryen, heir to the Iron Throne.” Your eyes immediately darted up to where he stood and as you laid your eyes upon him, your breath left you. 

Jacaerys Velaryon stood in the entrance to the throne room dorning targaryen red and black, standing tall and proud. His brown curls framing his face and making him look all the more handsome. You watched him make his way through the crowd as applause followed, echoing in the large room. You felt your lungs constrict, he looked so handsome, he looked even better than how you had imagined him all these years.

It almost felt as though the Gods were taunting you. It felt unfair, so so unfair. You drank more of the wine, letting the alcohol flow through you in an effort to feel more at ease. However it had much the opposite effect.

The crown prince gave a short speech in which he thanked everyone for coming and wished everyone a pleasant evening. For a short moment you could have sworn your eyes locked but you could not be sure.

Soon the crowd made way for the crown prince and Baela Targaryen, who were going to be the first to dance as was custom. You knew it was illogical but a bitter part of you thought that it should have been you, you in his arms dancing and laughing. It should have been you standing by his side, touching his arm, caressing his face.

You drank more of your wine, before long your cup was empty and the dance had ended with applause from the attendees. The band started a new number as the prince and princess disappeared in the crowd, other dancers swarmed the floor and you felt it to be in your best interest to find some fresh air. No one was paying attention to you as you slipped through the doors, at least, that’s what you thought. 

There was a small balcony not far from the throne room, it overlooked the water and the crashing waves hid any sound from the party. You leaned against the rails as you tried to hold back tears. All these years being locked away in an estate of a man you didn’t love, with no one to keep you company.

Just for you to return to where you had longed to be and feel equally out of place. It hurt, it hurt a lot. The angry waves crashing against the shore mimicked your own frustration, you were so engrossed in watching the waves and their endless assault against the shore, you did not hear the footsteps approaching. 

“I hope you’re not planning on jumping.”

You turned around faster than light could reach earth, the voice sounded so familiar yet deeper and more mature. Your breath caught in your throat

“Jace?” You whispered to the man in front of you, convinced you were dreaming. He looked even more magnificent up close, full lips and strong brows and fair skin. Jacaerys smiled at you before stepping closer. “Yes Y/n,” his hand reached out to touch your cheek and you instinctively leaned into the touch, closing your eyes. “It’s me.”

His hand wiped away the tear that escaped your eye, and as you opened your eyes again he stood so much closer. “I missed you,” you spoke as he stepped closer. “I missed you too.” His arms encircled you and you were pulled in a strong embrace “I missed you so much.”

He buried his face in your hair as he cradled you against his frame. You stood there for a while, clinging to him as though he were to disappear if you let go. The waves continued to crash against the shore, the nobles continued dancing and the music kept playing, regardless of everything at that moment it felt as though time stood still, just for the two of you.

However, you knew this wasn’t appropriate. If anyone saw you two, it would damage both your reputations, yours more than his. You retreated your hand and put it on his chest, intent on pushing him away, although you knew it would be futile.

It was you who pulled away first, although you couldn't go far. Jacaerys’ training paid off because you could not escape his arms even if you had earnestly tried. You looked into his eyes, now it was your turn to cradle his face. He turned his face slightly sideways before planting a soft kiss to your palm, a content smile gracing his face.

“We can’t Jace.” His eyes opened as pressed you closer to him. “Why not?” “It’s improper.” He laughed in response. “Why?” You slapped his chest softly  in jest, and looked at him. “Because I’m married, Jace, so we really really shouldn’t continue.” Instead of pulling away as well, he cupped your face and lowered his own face so he could look deep into your eyes.

 “I don’t care,” was all he said before his lips met yours. It felt odd to be finally kissing the man you had pined after for so long, it felt like a gift from the heavens, and it was gift you were going to cherish forevermore.

He left your lips briefly to whisper something only for you to hear, “I love you.” Before you could respond, his lips went back to yours and his hands cradled your face to prevent you from leaving. The kiss was sweet, sweeter than anything on this earth. Sweeter than the cakes in the banquet hall, sweeter than any fruit you had ever tasted. It was so sweet, you knew you would be addicted before long.

His hands left your face and travelled down to your back, pulling you closer to him. The kiss felt heavenly, his lips soft against your own, it was like life was brought back into you. You kissed back with vigour, your hands reaching for his neck where they crossed over one another.

Jace was quick to deepen the kiss, tugging you closer to him as if he was planning on devouring you. Your heart was racing a mile per minute, and you couldn’t help but let your hands travel. On instinct they found their way into his soft, brown curls. A soft moan escaped him as you lightly tugged on the curls, at this you smiled. In response Jace gathered your skirts and hoisted you up so you were seated on the balcony, your legs crossed behind his back on instinct. His hands travelled up and down your sides, almost tugging at the fabric so hard it would rip.

You pushed against his chest when it felt as though you were going to pass out, you needed to breathe as did he. He parted to let you breathe, and he let his head fall to your forehead. A bright smile on his face as his chest fell up and down in quick succession, mirroring your own. It was he who broke the silence between the two of you after a few moments. 

“Never leave again,” he whispered as he started trailing kisses from your cheeks to your neck, and as you opened your mouth to reply, he sucked on a specifically sensitive spot on your neck. A moan escaped your lips as a result and you could feel his smile widen against your skin. You giggled softly, “I won’t.”

He continued to lavish your neck with kisses as he did so, you could hear loud footsteps approaching, and a variety voices talking over one another. If they passed by and saw you in this position with the heir to the throne, you didn’t want to think about what was to ensue. 

“Jace-” your hands tugged on his hair, which resulted in a gorgeous moan escaping his beautiful lips -” Jace, we should stop,” you said, hand caressing the curls you had tugged on. He grumbled before raising his head, and you let your hands fall to his shoulders. “Why do you want to stop,” he asked, “did I do something wrong?”

You shook your head, “We’re too exposed, anyone could walk in on us.” You glanced to the hallway and now it seemed that Jacaerys heard the same voices that you had heard moments prior, however now they were growing ever closer. He helped you down from your position and straightened his tunic.

“We should continue this elsewhere.” At this you let out a giggle, “bold of you to assume we will continue.” The puppy eyes he threw at you in response were enough to make almost any person swoon and fall for his ploy, but you needed to remain strong. “Jace I’m serious, I am married, continuing this would be most unwise.”

He took your hand in his, and looked you in the eyes, “I promise you this." His thumb stroked over your knuckles as he continued, "I will have your marriage annulled. I will beg my mother to do it and then-” he placed your hands on his chest, ”then we can marry, as was always the plan.” You smiled at him and softly caressed his chest. “I would like that.”

The voices in the distance disappeared and emboldened you to give him a small peck. “I should return to my room now.” He nodded in return, “I shall escort you.” You shook your head with a smile. “You should entertain your guests. They will wonder where you are.” He sighed, because he knew you were right. “Very well then. I shall see you on the morrow.” You smiled and nodded before departing to your chambers.

Once at your chambers you noticed something sitting on your vanity, a small raven scroll. Upon closer inspection it appeared the letter was sealed with the crest of your husband’s house. You opened the scroll and dropped it as soon as you read its content. You followed to scroll in its descent on the floor, shocked breaths falling from your lips. The content from the scroll laid bare for all to see. 

Dear lady Y/n

It is with great sadness that we inform you that your husband has succumbed to his fever, passing away in the late hours of yesterday eve. We pray for you well being and eagerly await your return.

With regards

Maester Tansen

[goldenempyrean]

I Missed You

〚 Pairing- Natasha Romanoff x Reader 〛

〚 Notes - Currently working on the BeachHouse AU but I wanted to get this out first! Enjoy some sad and weepy Nat :p 〛

〚 Summary - You're off on a mission when Nat starts to feel unwell. And even with her bestfriend at her side, Nat's finding it hard to be alone when she gets sick for the first time in years. 〛

〚 Wordcount - 2100 〛

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“Are you sure you’re meant to be working right now?” Clint asked casually as he strolled into the kitchen, raising his eyebrows at the woman slumped over a pile of paperwork at the table. 

Natasha looked up at him, her eyes tired and glassy. She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it came out more like a grimace. "I'm fine," she said, her voice hoarse and cracking, “We both have some much work to do, shouldn’t you be getting your own work done instead of pestering me.”  

“God you’re crabby today, aren't you? And for your information, I’ve already got mine done. It’s easy to concentrate on it when you don’t have a head packed with snot.” He teased and smirked at the disgusted look which grossed her face. 

“You’re gross.” She sniffled thickly – he wasn’t exactly wrong though. She’d woken up feeling a little off a few days ago, there was that lingering soreness at the back of her throat that didn’t quite go away even after getting some water, but she’d put it down to being a little stressed. 

But much to her annoyance, she’d only felt worst throughout the day until she eventually woke up this morning feeling truly awful. But there wasn’t much she could do about that now. All she could do was try to focus and get her work done. 

Clint only shook his head as he began to search the kitchen cupboards for cereal, “Don’t you think you should atheist take a break?” He suggested as he started pouring multiple different kinds of cereal into one bowl. 

“I don’t need too,” She mumbled before quickly bringing her hands to her face when she sneezed loudly, groaning a little afterwards at the pain it’d caused in her throat, “I’ll live.” 

“Well, I’d be more intitled to listen to you if I weren’t terrified of what your girlfriend would do to me if they find out that I’ve let you work while sick.” Clint fake shuddered whilst simultaneously nudging the tissue box at the end of the table closer towards her, earning himself another eyeroll from her.  

But behind that sarcastic front Nat couldn’t help but feel a pang of misery, she missed you so much. Unfortunately, being an Avenger often meant having to go off on solo missions and while the two of you usually made it work, Nat couldn’t help but miss you more than usual. All she wanted was to be cuddled in your arms as you whispered sweet nothings into her hair. But alas, here she was, sick and feeling so very alone. 

Clint noticed the change in her demeanour and sighed softly, “Hey, I know it’s tough, but you can’t keep pushing yourself like this. You need to take care of yourself, and I’m sure your girlfriend would want that too.” He said while mentally kicking himself – he’d been so caught up in his own work that he hadn't even noticed how much Nat was struggling until it was too late. He made a mental note to check in on her more often in the future, to make sure she wasn't feeling overwhelmed or overworked. 

Natasha nodded slowly, her eyes drifting towards the tissue box. She knew he was right, but she hated feeling weak and vulnerable. “I know,” she said softly, “But I just feel so useless when I’m not doing something productive.” 

Clint walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, mentally noting the heating radiating from her bare skin, “You’re not useless, Nat. Sometimes rest and recovery is the most productive thing you can do. And trust me, Y/N would much rather have you healthy and happy than sick and miserable.” 

She sighed, knowing he was right. “I just miss them so much,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper, “I haven’t been sick in years and the first time I do, they’re not even here.” 

It wasn't just the sickness that was making her feel this way. It was the fact that you weren't here with her. You were always her rock, her safe haven, and without you, she felt lost and adrift. You’d been the first person there to comfort her during the blip, the first person to stand by her after taking down the Red Room. You’d always been there. And while this definitely wasn’t the first time she��d been away from you; this was the first time it’d ever made her feel this lonely. 

Clint squeezed her shoulder gently, “I know you do. But you’ll see them soon enough, they’re meant to be home later tonight, aren’t they? I'll get Jarvis to set an alert for their arrival but for now, let’s focus on getting you feeling a bit better, yeah?” 

Natasha nodded and reached for a tissue, blowing her nose loudly. Clint chuckled, “That’s the spirit. Now, how about I make us some tea and we can sit down and go through this paperwork together?” 

However, as Clint went to turn on the kettle, he noticed the increase in her sniffles and turned around. His heart sank as he saw the silent tears running down her cheeks as Nat held her head in her hands, seemingly unable to think of anything other than you.  

Forgetting the tea, he quickly hurried over to her, sitting down and pulling her into a tight hug, his worry only increasing as he felt the small shivers running down her arms as Nat leaned began to sob against him, “I-I'm sorry,” she muttered, “I’m being ridiculous, but all I can do is think about then and that they’re not here and they could be out there hurt somehow on their mission and I wouldn’t know because I-” 

“Shh, Natty.” Clint soothed quietly, rubbing her back gently as her sobs continued, “If Y/N was ever hurt on a mission, we’d know instantly. Jarvis has their vitals always monitored. They’re okay Natasha, now I know you don’t feel well so we need to get this fever down, it’s only going to make you feel worst.” 

“There’s fever patches in the fridge...” Nat mumbled through her sniffles so quietly that Clint almost missed it entirely, “Vision made me put some in there earlier.” 

  Clint nodded, mentally thanking Vision for his wisdom. He continued to hold Nat for a little longer before slowly releasing her, swiping a handful of tissues and pressing them into her hand so she could clean up her face a little, "I'll get them for you and finish off that tea. I want you to pack this stuff away," He said, his fatherly tone seeping into his words, "No arguments this time. Pack it away, you're not working anymore. That's final." 

After receiving a small nod, Clint went to search through the fridge before finding the small packet and setting it on the side as he re-boiled the kettle to make some tea – making sure to add in a generous squirt of honey. He knew how tough it was for Natasha to admit weakness or vulnerability and seeing her break down like that made him realise just how much she was struggling. By the time he’d finished making the tea though, Nat had cleaned up the table a little, her piles of paperwork sitting neatly in one small stack whilst she sank down a little into her chair, muffling a chesty sounding cough into her elbow. 

Mentally grimacing at the sound of her rattling chest, Clint placed the tea down in front of her, "There you go," He offered a comforting smile to his partner, "hopefully that will help your throat a bit. Now I know you’re not going to like this, but do you think you’d like to go lay down for a few hours? I’ll finish up your work for you.” 

Natasha gave a weak nod, her eyes looking a little watery once again as she took a sip of her tea, "Thank you, Clint. I'm sorry for being such a mess," she murmured, her voice hoarse and strained from her coughing. 

Clint shook his head, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, "You don't need to apologize for being sick, Nat. We all get like this sometimes," he reassured her, "Now go lay down, get some rest. I'll take care of everything." 

With that, Natasha slowly stood up from her chair, wobbling slightly as she did so. Clint quickly moved to steady her, keeping a hand on her shoulder to keep her steady. "Easy now," he murmured, "Don't overdo it." 

Natasha gave him a weak smile as he led her towards her bedroom, her steps slow and unsteady. Once they reached her room, Clint helped her to sit down on the bed before tucking her in with a soft blanket. "Get some rest," he said, his voice gentle, "I'll come check on you in a little bit. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you." 

On his way out of her room Clint couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness in his heart as he thought about you, wherever you were, and how much Nat missed you. He knew he couldn't replace you, but he would do his best to take care of Nat in your absence. Instead he’d concentrate on getting her work done so the two of you would have nothing to worry about except each other when you finally got back. 

〘✧✧✧〙 

The sky was dark by the time you’d finally gotten home that night. The compound was quiet, most of the agents had left for the day and most people were already in bed so it was safe to say you were surprised to come into the kitchen to see Clint sitting over the table, eating pasta as he stared down at the files in front of him. 

“Hey.” You called out quietly, seemingly startling him a little. 

“Y/N!” His face lit up instantly as he got up from the table, coming over to hug you, “You’re back finally, thank god.” 

You’d be lying if you said his reaction didn’t puzzle you a little though, “Yeah, sorry the flight back took a little longer than expected, is everything alright? Oh, have you seen Nat too by the way? I texted her to tell her I was home, but I think her phones dead or something.” 

Clint pulled away from the hug, his brow furrowed with concern. "Nat's not feeling so well actually. She's got the flu I think, she’s probably sleeping still." He gestured to the files on the table. "I’ve just been doing her paperwork. She really missed you while you were away Y/N, like really missed you.” 

“I’ll go check on her then,” You sighed, hating that you weren’t here to take care of her, you knew Nat rarely got sick and whenever she did, it usually hit her hard, “Thank you though,” You said genuinely, giving Clint an appreciative smile, “Thanks for looking out for her.” 

“It's no problem. Nat’s important to me, I wasn’t going to just sit there while she suffered. She’s going to be so happy to see you.” Clint nodded, before going over to the table to pick up his bowl of pasta, “I'm gonna head to bed soon now thpugh, I’ll finish that in the morning.” 

“Goodnight Clint.” You gave him a final smile before hurrying off in the direction of your bedroom. 

As you reached your room, you made sure to quietly open the door, not wanting to startle her. But once the light flooded the room, letting you see the outline of your girlfriend, your heart sank. Nat was curled up beneath the blankets in one of your hoodies as she tightly hugged one of your favourite stuffed animals. Even in the dim light, you could see the dark red grasp of a fever clutching to her cheeks.  

Not wanting to disturb her more than necessary, you silently got changed out of your suit into some comfy thin pyjamas before gently climbing in bed next to the sleeping widow. You’d intended to not wake her up but despite your best efforts, the redhead stirred a little as you settled down into the duvet. 

“Shh, baby, It’s okay now. I’m here, okay?” You whispered quietly, as Nat sleepily shuffled up into your hold, welcoming your touch as you pulled her close against your chest. 

“I missed you.” Her raspy voice barely louder than a whisper before sleep pulled her back down into its hands. 

“I missed you too moya lyubov',” You murmured softly, “I’m here now, okay? And I'm going to look after you.” 

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[hinamie]

ok i have composed myself i have transcribed the lyrics for wish you were here as best as i could. i am going to listen to this and only this until i lose interest or the ability to hear, whichever happens first

this song is SUCH a bop the soft guitar intro in2 the main beat is so good but can we TALK . about how . HE STARTS IT WITH A "MWAH" WHAT A FUCKING ICON I LOVE HIM I LOVE THEMMMMM the percussion is so good i love the soft offbeat claps in th bg they add such a nice lil pep n especially in verse 2 after "love you even if you hate my guts" they add like 4 extra clap beats and i am !!!!!!! ASCENDING

verse 1 is iconic i love the line "pack up my head might mail it back to your house" its so fucking funny it reminds me of that post thts like "i didn't know how to deal with the fact that i had a crush so i wrote her a note that said get out of my school" . but listenok listen. verse 2 is the one they posted a snippet of last year and first of all i love the electric-y/tv-turning off/guitar slide/quiet video game laser effect as the vocals start it makes my brain buzz aNYWAY this verse is my favourite between the two and has absolutely s tier lines such as "as long as you think of me I don't care what" and "love you even if you hate my guts" PLUS the lil clappy bits i mentioned they r so GOOD. not to mention his voice pls.,,, he sounds so good when he belts,,, his voice has a slight rasp to it that they lean into with the slightly muffled old speaker sound god he sounds so good all the TIME his vocals are so clear when he hangs on the words "singing" and "myself" into the chorus PLS. also the bg vocal 'a t-t-t-touch too sentimental' is so gd CATCHY

speaking of the chorus oh my god the CHORUS. the desperate cry of "don't you miss me? / don't you want me around?" is so devastating and heartfelt head in HANDS also the lyrics . im so excited abt them i cannot put into words how !!!!!!!! they make me just. gestures helplessly

wishful thinking is all that’s holding me down  lost on a blue moon  i wish you were here right now

in chorus 2 especially the way the beat cuts out after "lost on a blue moon" n comes back after "I wish you were here"??? AUDIBLE SEROTONIN TO ME ((plus in the final chorus changing the "lost on a blue moon" to "not like you used to" ??????? OW ???????????? that had a lil kick that got me a bit.. , being stuck with ur own wishful thinking as a stand-in for the physical affection of the person u like,,, ....fushiguro touch starved megu- *is shot dead*)))

HOWEVER the absolute lyrical Backbone of this song is the fucking bridge. i knew it would be i heard the snippet ages ago and i was like holy shit these lyrics go hard what are they from only to b dismayed to find that whatever song they were from did not yet exist. but now it DOES and i can listen to the way the bridge sounds like lights dimming. like headlights passing through a hazy window. it sounds like clouds parting

nobody else in this life or next  will ever have me the way that you do nothing in hell, heaven, earth, or the rest could ever take me away from you

THAT FUCKING EMOTIONAL BOMBSHELL against the original soft guitar from the intro drop the drums just reverb-y lyrics and background vocals and some of the most romantic fucking lyrics i've had the pleasure of reading let alone hearing one of my favourite artists sing.

i am going to once again fuse my fv brainrot with my megumi brainrot. realistically ik this is probably a missing your ex song but i do not care. this is a longing megumi song to me i dont CARE argue with a WALL (said to no one). the verses and chorus are pine-y and a bit snarky n very i like-like you and don't know what to do with how much i miss you. it's wry and frustrated n just tsundere enough but then u get to the bridge n there lies the sheer undying devotION god im unweLL this is all i'm going to listen to. this was worth waiting a year for if this is part of a new album they have in production im actually going to die

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for cutting off my friend without explanation?

(tl;dr my mental illness meant I became obsessed with my friend. I realised my obsession was dangerous and painful and cut him off without explanation. AITA?)

I (17 NB) have struggled with mental health issues for a while. They're a lot better now, but for a while I was seriously unwell mentally. During some of this time (early 2022), I became friends with someone- let's call him Max.

At first, Max was sweet, and kind- he helped me through a panic attack, he was full of fun stories, he always wanted to do well and be kind. He had some issues, but nothing super serious, and he was going through some shit anyway. So if course I became obsessed.

See, a feature of my mental health issues was the fact that I became obsessed with people very quickly. Typically one person at a time, who I would devote almost my entire mental energy to. A single smile, frown, tiny decision like whether they'd sit with me or not could make or break my day. I got obsessed to the point where I was at genuine risk because of it. Max was one of these people- and then he showed his more serious mental health issues.

He blatantly self harmed in front of me and got upset I didn't give him my scissors to cut with. He made me report actionable threats of suicide (as in, he told me to report it then became angry at me when I did). A lotta things. I think he lied about a lot of things as well.

And of course, because I was obsessed with him, I did whatever he wanted because I was both terrified of losing him and terrified of him not wanting to be friends anymore if I messed anything up, even if he survived. Any previous obsessions weren't as bad, because the person they were centered on wasn't as intense, but because of how he was acting, my obsession got worse.

I put up with all of this because he was my friend, and I cared about him, but this was taking its toll on my mental health. I developed obsessions and compulsions around checking my phone- I was terrified that if I didn't check it, I'd miss a message from him and he'd die (and unread message notifications caused panic, even when I knew they weren't from him). It was difficult to even shower because I was scared I'd miss a message. I was scared all the time. My obsession with him also lead to me doing more and more dangerous things in order to try and get attention from him- I had to be talked down from suicide at one point (my reasoning was if I succeeded, everything would be over, and if I didn't, he'd have to pay attention to me). I wasn't thinking logically or safely at all.

Eventually, I recovered after a lot of therapy, and we went to different colleges. I realised that I was now mentally a lot better, but any time he would text me (infrequently), I would feel these obsessive feelings resurface. Eventually, I started to ghost him. He sent a message at one point asking if I was okay, and if he'd done something.

I responded that he'd done nothing, but he was associated with some really bad times in my life so speaking to him hurt a lot. He asked if he could message again at some point to check in with me, and I didn't want to say 'no, never talk to me again', so I say yes. This was in about last November.

Then a couple weeks ago, he messaged me again asking if I was okay, and that he was sorry if the message was painful for me. I'm sure he wanted closure about why someone who previously seemed to love him switched to hating him. I didn't respond, and blocked him, because not only was the message painful in general, but coincidentally, I'd actually experienced psychosis literally that day involving him (believing that he was controlling parts of my body), so it was terrifying and made me feel like he was watching me. I hadn't experienced psychosis in over a year, to be clear. I also blocked him on any social media I could find him on.

I kinda feel like the asshole for blocking him and not giving him closure- am I?

What are these acronyms?

[morimakesfanart]

Sweetie are you alive?????

Somehow??? ;0;

I know I disappeared and I've been trying to figure out how to explain it when I post the next chapter. I have been unwell in multiple ways ;-;

I'm going to use this ask to try to figure out how to say it

First, the day after my birthday (yes the day after posting the last canon chapter) I went through something extremely scary that I don't want to talk about. I thought I was okay, but I'm the type to compartmentalize until I am actually safe enough to feel which turned out to be a few weeks after the event. I was actually so shaken up by what happened that I couldn't write or draw or do anything for fun for nearly a month. I was like a robot

Second, just as I was getting better emotionally, I got very very sick, had to see many doctors and specialists to figure out what was wrong. I had 3 conditions making each other worse. I won't get into the details here but it hurt to open one of my eyes for a long time and then I developed sever vision fatigue in both. Last week I was finally diagnosed as being infection free after months of treatments, but it went on for so long that I'll probably be having symptoms for at least another month as my body calms down.

The biggest saving grace is that I now I know I've been fighting an infection for who knows how long and got cured of it, maybe I won't get as sick all the time for a while???? ((Please🤞🤞🤞))

I started working on the art for the next chapter 2 weeks ago as the pain started fading enough that it didn't hurt to look at my art tablet. Not sure how long it will take because I keep getting vision fatigue very quickly. Patreon got to see the sketch version already. I'm practically desperate to draw and write at this point so as I'm slowly able to do so it's rushing out of me like tsunami. I have chapters 40&41 mostly done being written now too

Medical TMI for the morbidly curious :

(not a lot of details, but I wanted to hide it because I know eye stuff can be scary for people)

I learned that I had an ongoing eye infection in my eye lids and around my eye lashes for the past several years that was misdiagnosed (that doctor definitely didn't like me so I'm not surprised tbh). It only revealed the truth because my immune system couldn't keep up anymore and the infection started spreading under the skin in an extremely huge and painful way. The past several months I've been doing treatments. It was only last week that I was diagnosed as cured of both infections, but it will still be a month or more of living with the after effects. It has hurt to use my eyes and keep them open for most of the past several months. It doesn't hurt much anymore at least. I have another appointment coming up to see if the current symptoms were from the infection+ meds, or if all of this was so bad that I have glaucoma now. It runs in my family so I'm at risk. Also, it looks like I will need eye drops for the rest of my life, and developing dry eyes was most likely a big factor in why I got the first infection.

I'm so done with being sick

[angeart]

i did it :3 an anniversary update of hmtb (chapter 51)

it's been a year!!!

i had no idea my silly little fic would get this far. it's insane and mindboggling (in a /pos way), especially to know that people still enjoy the story after all this time. that you guys want me to share this with you and get excited for new chapters. (it makes me so so so happy!!)

and gosh, i wish i could make a more proper and coherent post about this but i'm unwell today xjnbjkn so it's hard to think and word things but. the fact that this fic is what let me enter the fandom properly? i think i'd just stay quiet and maybe read some fics and not interact with anyone ever, if it wasn't for hmtb. and then those interactions led to me properly getting on tumblr and making this side blog and getting (back) into drawing and stuff!

that's so wild. it started with such a small little thing - just an idea, a whim, a little bit of self-indulgent bravery - and yet it feels so significant. like it changed my life so much. (enriched it!!) (i'm now here you guys can't get rid of me /hj)

but it's more than those things. it's... it let me meet and talk to people who love the same things, and i was able to make some friends who are now very dear and important to me. and i wouldn't change it for the world. (i love you guys <3)

it's not a journey i expected when i decided on a whim to write a hermitcraft fanfic. but man, am i glad i did post that first chapter, one year ago.

thank you all for reading <3

[auschizm]

I was prescribed antipsychotics by a psychiatric consultant a few years ago for a first episode of psychosis. I got better and then was discharged back to my GP still taking them.

Now my GP says he can’t help me stop taking them without referring back to a consultant, but waiting times are ridiculous and there’s a chance they wouldn’t accept my referral because I’m not currently unwell or experiencing major side effects.

So I’m kind of just stuck on them, unsure if they’re really doing anything which sucks.

To make it worse I’m also prescribed a stomach medication which can cause tardive dyskinesia when taken long term which I can’t come off without becoming reliant on tube feeds.

I'm in a similar situation where I'd actually prefer to taper off antipsychotics but can't get a doctors support in doing that safely, meaning that I'm stuck on the meds for now. So I'm sending my solidarity! Because unfortunately quitting an antipsychotic cold turkey is VERY likely to become dangerous.

[sleepsucks]

i usually don't add any text to these posts and keep my ranting in tags but exceptionnally i'll put some under a break this time :

First time i experienced the death of a pet and it sucked ( aside from the time my snails died when i was 10 and that still sucked but it didn't hit as hard I'll be honest )

he was only 13 and renal failure kinda hit him out of nowhere. by then i already knew there was no realistic chance he was going to get better, i was already aware that my parents were taking him to the vet to put him down, but augh. actually being told that it was done made me cry for hours. sucked.

here's a pic & a vid from when he was first brought home :

tiniest ball of fluff who was named Boule de Neige because i already sucked at giving names and didn't realized it'd be too long to pronounce and we'd just constantly call him Bouboule instead

After high school i was around less and less but he stayed at my parents place since he was used to it. big & grumpy majestic idiot who just became a constant part of the household that you don't really expect will actually be gone, yknow

( i liked this one a lot and it's still my phone's background but i'm very pissed because i used to have another one snapped mere seconds earlier, where he was still sleeping. it was set as my lock screen and it was perfect. then i lost my phone and i guess i should be glad that at least one of the two was transferred through cloud saves or whatever )

this was like...weeks before he started dying. he never got along too well with Treize because she wanted to play with him and he just wanted to be left alone, but near the end they'd sleep together like that sometimes. maybe he was just too tired at this point.

ANYWAY.

iwas away from home when he started feeling unwell and was only going to come back for like christmas but he just couldn't wait that long. in a way i'm "lucky" i didn't have to witness him getting weak and in pain but it sucks that i couldn't see him again. it sucks that he died alone because my mom couldn't bear being there at the end. i hope he was ok, i hope it didn't hurt. i hope he had a good life i'm feeling better now because that was almost literally a year ago but i'm kinda crying again now ngl. thinking about Sleep in the Heat by Pup.

i don't know how to give a smart conclusion to this

please hug your pets

[meiramenu]

Hii!! This is a series that I will mainly be focused on hope you enjoy! (1k words)

Soul Switcher

☆ The classic story of two unknown lovers. ☆

How many times do you have to do this, how many wakings up, how many snoozes, and how many awaited Fridays? Not many. Perhaps, after all, this was the first day of 12th grade.

The school hallways were stuffed per usual. To your left, a slow walker. This was going to be an amazing year.

During lunch, you sat next to your locker, alone. Your only friend was too ashamed to be seen with you. She believed that being friends with you would through daggers into her reputation. You weren't surprised when she announced this news. You were an outcast after all. No one wanted to talk to you, and no one was interested. No. One. Really. Cares.

You walked yourself to the bathroom, stuffing your hand into your palm. You prayed and prayed she wouldn't be in the hallways. Please please almost there.

"So so so, who do we have here?" a voice said behind you. It was Aliac. Your throat closed and your eyes widened. You stopped and turned around, somehow praying it wasn't her.

"If it's not the rat-looking disaster," she spat out, her words staining you, leaving permanent marks on your cherry-colored shirt. You stayed silent, the only noise being yout heart about to explode out of your chest.

"Babe?" a voice called out. It was Krist's.

"I told you spending time bothering her was a waste of time," Krist said rolling his eyes. He would always say things like this. His words were carved into your brain: 'Leave her alone,' 'It's not worth it,' or 'Not again.' You knew the only reason he complained was because he thought bullying you was worthless. But the little voice in the back of your head always tried to convince you that he liked you. But that's stupid. He had a girlfriend, and it was Aliac. She sucked. She didn't deserve him.

"I know babe, but it's so fun seeing her pathetic face freeze up” she said when putting her hand dramatically on her chest. I balled up my fists by my sides. “It is like when a rabbit sees a fox" she chuckled before placing her hand on the right side of Krist's chest.

"Well, I have swimming practice. So if you want a ride right now, is the time," Krist said, resting his hand on hers, and giving her a sweet smile. But she sucked. He deserved better. She gave you a quick glare before walking away.

This one was a close call.

"Hey, Mom," you called out, the smell of spaghetti tickling your nose hairs. You walked into the kitchen, furrowing your eyebrows from the lack of response. Mom was staring at the blank wall.

"Hey," you softly said before placing your hands on her shoulders. She jolted up before placing her hands on yours, nodding her head before giving you a soft, eyes-squeezing smile.

"Well, I'm going to my room," you said before giving her a peck on the cheek. Dad died 12 years ago, but she was still grieving, very heavily actually. She didn't believe in mental health, even though she was the definition of an emotionally unwell person.

You flopped into your bed after taking a warm shower, grabbing your computer to finish a few due assignments. Your cat brushed against your hand, the sweet fall scent of your candles – everything was perfect. A red bubble popped up at the corner of your Discord app. That must be Lina. The assignments can wait.

Lina: hey y/n how did your day go!! :p

You: It was okay, kind of. I almost got jumped by Lila again

Lina: Bruh but let me guess, Krist interrupted right?

You: When does he nooot

Lina: gurl   he is lit in love with you!!

You: gurl stop feeding into my delusion

Lina: oop gtg see ya

You: oh ok bye

You closed your computer. Why can't things be like they were? No drama, no trouble, no one cared. Everything was much simpler. You shut down your computer and place it on the right side of your bed. Don't cry, don't cry. You can't keep it in. Your throat is throbbing it stings You can't keep it in anymore, You blink, and all the tears trapped in your eyes run out, flowing and sticking to your cheeks. You stuck out your tongue to lick the side of your lips – salty.

[queer-geordie-nerd]

People who have followed me for a long time are very aware of the incredibly complex relationship I have with my father, the fact that I almost lost him a year and a half ago, and the absolute funk my mental health has been in until very recently, reckoning with what I thought was my father's impending death and what that meant, with my feelings about him as a person, and childhood crap that I'm still processing.

This story is something I have never talked about until now, but I feel I need to now, to get it off my chest if nothing else.

Around 25 years ago, when I was a very young teenager, a woman in the town where my dad has lived all of his life made an accusation of rape against him. She eventually retracted it, for reasons I'm not aware of. Throughout the whole thing, he remained a respected member of his community, his friends and neighbours rallied and supported him, saying that *of course* it wasn't true.

The poor woman, however, was pretty much shunned, called some of the worst insults on earth, and eventually left town. I've recently become aware that she returned a couple of years ago, and I honestly have no idea what her life is like now, but I do know my older sister, who lives in that same town now, as does my dad still, blanks and ignores her if she sees her.

The thing is, I *do* believe her. Not only because I know for a fact that false accusations are actually incredibly rare, but because I know my dad. I'm going to hasten to add here, that I have an extremely complicated relationship with him but there has NEVER been any whisper of sexual impropriety so that is absolutely not what I mean. Emotional and psychological abuse, yes, but NEVER anything else.

What I do mean is that he is a man for whom other people's feelings and wants don't really factor into the equation for him - as long as he's happy with a situation, that's all he cares about. There have been several times in my life where has tried to wheedle me into going somewhere that I didn't want to, to take a mild, inconsequential example. No is not a word he really understands. Couple that with his general misogyny and disregard for women, do I believe he is capable of not taking a woman's no for an answer in a sexual situation? Yes, I do.

It is a terrible thing to believe about one's dad - I love my father and I am still in regular contact with him - as I said, it's complicated - but I know what kind of man he is. Reckoning with this dichotomy has been a painful experience and this is the first time I've ever actually outright said that I unequivocally believe this woman.

Whatever she's doing in life, I hope she's happy and has some peace.

This may go some way to explaining why I always and absolutely believe women's experiences and perhaps why I feel such anger at men who do such things and get away with them leaving the woman behind to deal with the aftermath. Because my dad suffered absolutely zero consequences and is still a respected member of his community, and her life got turned upside down.

Now that I’m really thinking about it, this probably also explains my extreme emotional reaction to reading Mira’s revelation in her book that she was raped and never got justice - a woman I deeply respect and admire, yes, but my reaction was totally out of kilter for the experience of a woman I didn’t know personally and never met. Psychologically, my feelings about my dad, the woman in his town, and a celebrity that I happen to admire and whose work I enjoy (and also was a light in the dark for me when I felt at my worst) all got mixed up in my mentally tired and unwell brain. Not consciously, of course, but it did all the same.

[veliseraptor]

Read your tags, do you mind explaining a little how you came to realise you might be bipolar?

If this is too personal then just ignore it - I'm just curious bc I feel like I might be in a same boat

Ps. Now that you have a name for things, I really hope you find something that'll help!

at this point it's not something I'm even willing to commit to, even reading this ask I went OH BUT I DON'T KNOW THAT, OBVIOUSLY I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW, I'M JUST SAYING WORDS. but the tipping point for me making that post was basically a combination of factors:

the fact that, while attempting to address the depression that's been getting me down, a tweak in the dose of one of my antidepressants sent me rocketing into about five days of having the most violently energetic rebound I've probably ever had, and being like "well this is alarming!" this is apparently not the expected response

also while feeling that I was like "this has happened to me before, it just usually doesn't last this long and it's been a while," and I have had the question float around in my brain before but usually ended up with my brain screeching something incoherent about appropriation at me

the fact that, years ago, somebody put me on a mood stabilizer because I was complaining about mood volatility and instability and it made a huge difference. I happen to know it is, in my cocktail of psych meds, a very load-bearing one based on the accidental scientific experiments I've done running out of different ones at different times

my psychiatrist, the first one I actually like in about a decade and who actually explains things to me, looking at these two things and basically going "well ultimately we're treating the symptoms and it's not super important what diagnosable issue you technically "have" but"

anyway ultimately it's not like it necessarily matters, I'm still mentally unwell in the exact same way I always have been, but it does make me kind of go. maybe the person who prescribed me the mood stabilizer to begin with might have said something, or somebody else might have said something, such that when I was trying to fix my medication to work better someone could go (like this lady did) "perhaps this suggests we should be trying a different angle of treatment and not just switching SSRIs again"

[elk96]

Connection - Part 2

J Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy's portrayal) X reader.

Warnings: mentions of mental instability, depression, wound stitching.

Word Count: 861

This is loosely based on the book American Prometheus.

I'll be fine, thank you", Robert answered in his quite manner. 

"And who's gonna wash your sheets, clothes and mattress when you bleed all over the place"?, she asked him.

Christ, that woman. She had no shame in her. 

"I think you should know, Mr. Oppenheimer", she continued, "that cooperation between patients and their doctors is regarded with utmost appreciation".

An angry voice inside of him answered that he didn't give a damn about doctors and their I'll judgment -instead of voicing that opinion he let out a soft grunt as y/N helped him on his feet. 

The ground felt unsteady and the walls were spinning, but there it was, a gentle, steady hand on his back to guide him to the exit. 

y/N never left his side until she helped him on the backseat of her car. She had tied a bandage to the wound, but Robert seemed all together unwell-and she was anxious. He'd first come to her almost a month ago, and during their sessions she had grown fond of him-of the young man with the brilliant mind and complete lack of social skills and emotional connection to anything. He reminded her that she wasn't in a much better place either at his age. And that was only 2 years ago.

"I'm fine, I'm fine", he growled once she tried to help him out of the car after their short ride. Nevertheless,  he grabbed her forearm for stability as they got to her apartment.

It was nothing like what he imagined a psychiatrist's house would be-there were paintings, books, rich-coloured carpets and the remains of a fire burning in the fireplace. Nothing like Robert's terrible accommodation.

He fell onto an armchair, feeling suddenly very heavy.

"I need a smoke", he mumbled to himself through half-closed eyes. He searched his pockets with trembling hands and pulled out his cigarettes, put one in his mouth. His lighter had run out of fuel. "Do you have a lighter"?, he asked Dr. y/LN. 

He sighed. She had disappeared. His head hurt-but it was a particular feeling, he could somehow feel the steaming hot blood course through the cut. Or maybe it was all his imagination.

He shouldn't have done that. With Blackett, he shouldn't have done it. He could've killed him…

Dr. y/LN returned to the cozy living room with the first aid kit and a lighter in hand. She gave it to him and poured him a glass of whiskey-only to mitigate his pain and discomfort. Robert gulped it down.

y/N pulled out a syringe and filled it with a colourless liquid.

"This is anesthetic", she informed him, eyes focused on what she was doing. "So that you don't feel pain".

"I don't mind pain".

"No, but I do. And there's no need to add physical pain to the psychological one, right"?

Robert sighed. Every part of him insisted he tell her he is fine-he doesn't need to be taken care of, he could crawl in a corner and wait for the night to pass, but she knew. Somehow, she knew. And during their past sessions she'd been telling him so often, so convincingly that he wasn't alone in that situation, he actually dared take some comfort in her words.

"Deep breath now", y/N mumbled and Robert felt the needle poke through his skin. 

They waited in silence for the anesthetic to numb the area around his head as she washed her hands with rubbing alcohol. She tapped his skull softly.

"Did you feel that"?

"No".

"Honestly, Robert".

"No, I didn't feel that", he repeated and heard her breathe in deeply. 

The sight of the thread going through the kneedle made him cringe, so he focused on the books in the bookcase against him. 

"I didn't know you had such a wide spectrum of interests", he commented in a shaky voice. Some of the books there were really impressive.

"There's a reason I am a psychiatrist at my 23 years of age, Robert. Hopefully you'll understand that through your personal self-improvement".

She cut the remaining thread and wiped clean the area surrounding the wound. 

"Ready", she announced. She disappeared in the bathroom briefly to get rid of the blood in her hands and then emerged from the kitchen with a plate of chicken and rice. She sat on the couch next to Robert.

"Hungry"?, she asked casually. He nodded. She sighed. For a moment she looked as if she contemplated to say something, instead she fetched a book from her library.

"Crime and Punishment", Robert read as she placed on his lap.

"Dostoyevsky. Give it a go, I think you'll find it very…revealing. And, it is my scientific opinion that you should write to your friend. Apologize to him, don't let him go".

Robert's voice was low and thin as an old thread. "I did something terrible to him".

"I can imagine, from the little you've told me. It was a terrible approach on his side to announce he was getting married while you were at such a bad state. Write to him", was the last thing she said and escorted him to the door.

[galerymod]

HER ...... ROCKET MAN

HER

The story of HER is characterised by massive successes and tragic strokes of fate, by triumph and tragedy in equal measure - but ultimately it is above all the story of a friendship: that between Victor Solf and Simon Carpentier.

German-born Victor and Frenchman Simon met back in 2007 - they were still at school - and the two hit it off like brothers. When they started making music together, their sound was equally influenced by classic soul à la Otis Redding and hip-hop from the post-"Yeezus" phase. They gave their project the name HER in 2015.

Their music became instantly recognisable when the early song "Five Minutes" was used as the soundtrack for Apple's "Shot on iPhone" campaign - which ultimately earned them more than 6.7 million streams on Spotify. The duo from Rennes with Franco-German roots then released the EP series "Her Tape #1" and "Her Tape #2", which were peppered with highlights such as "Quite Like", "Union" and "Her" - which in turn meant more than 20 million additional Spotify streams for HER. Behind the seductively provocative visuals that adorned their covers was a subtly dreamy newer wave sound, minimalist, somewhere between pop and soul, in which jazz elements also flickered - and so the two best friends circled the globe several times, presented the EPs live and also made a decent wave in the States.

So much for the numbers, the impressive successes of the last two or three years - because in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, Simon lost a long, hard, silent battle against cancer, which hardly anyone outside his closest circle of family and friends realised: he died a few months ago, in August 2017.

"The whole of last year was incredibly hard because Simon was so unwell," reports Victor. "For example, it was incredibly difficult for him to do our tour - but he also thought it was important to carry on and give concerts! He just didn't want to give up, he didn't want to stop... he battled with this illness for six years. And we didn't actually talk about cancer or death that much during that time: We wanted to talk about life instead. And now, I think it's my job to continue this line and this approach. It's really difficult for me, but I'm doing my best - for myself and for him."

With the support of his late friend, at least in spirit, Victor went back into the studio and continued working on their debut album "HER", which will be released by Republic Records in 2018. He put the finishing touches to the existing songs and also returned to the stage in between: among other things, he played a stunning, deeply moving set at the Rock En Seine Festival in Paris - a festival, incidentally, where HER had always wanted to perform. More shows followed all over Europe and then the album was as good as finished: "Most of the songs were already finished beforehand; they just needed some fine-tuning on the vocals, the background vocals...", he reports. "It was just important to me that Simon's voice, Simon's vision and his guitar playing remained virtually untouched and really sounded exactly how he wanted them to in the final version. I worked on that."

With the single "We Choose", HER have already released a significant album harbinger in advance: Simon's unmistakable voice spreads out over an extremely minimalist, light and smooth production, meaning that his presence can be felt immediately and his signature is unmistakable. "The strange thing is that this was the very first song we wrote as HER - and also the last one I recorded with Simon," explains Victor. "We wrote it just as our previous band was coming to an end. We wanted to make a real statement with it: that you can't lose hope, that you have to hold on to what you love. We were working on new ideas every day back then, and this song just stood out because we were also about holding on and carrying on - after all, there were people back then who thought we were going to stop completely now that the other band had ended. Well, we didn't stop. And I think now is the perfect time to release 'We Choose': Because even when things are bad, there's still one thing - hope. The song is kind of the prologue to the next chapter. A chapter that will hopefully continue the way he would have wanted it to."

While the band started this new chapter with a sold-out concert at the Bataclan in Paris, the music of HER remains the best and most tangible proof of how unique the chemistry and bond between the two band founders was.

"It's just extremely important that this album comes out," Victor concludes. "It's the only way for me to come to terms with his death. This is music forever, for life."

[beesinspades]

I got the booster almost a week ago and I still feel like absolute garbage trying to convince my stupid health anxiety that I'm not dying

got it on saturday, no side effects. sunday afternoon, only a very light headache. but then on monday morning I woke up and had numbness in my left arm and leg. I tried not to freak out because it happened to me last year because of stress except this time I wasn't stressed. didn't go away on tuesday. then on wednesday I went to the doctor for something else and also asked about it. she's sending me to a neurologist next week and the same evening I had a brain scan done just in case, waiting for results. up until then it was just the numbness. but then after that appointment of course i started getting worse anxiety over all this (up until then I was a little stressed but keeping it fairly under control) which as you know makes everything worse. since yesterday thursday i've been feeling worse. the numbness is always worse in the morning when I wake up, and then it gets better throughout the day. yesterday I managed to distract myself most of the day but also despite sleeping well I felt tired enough by 10:30am that I took a nap until noon, and at some point I felt unwell out of nowhere which set off my anxiety really bad. then it got better by the end of the day and I went to bed. I woke up at 2am to go to the toilet and felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I was low-key gonna pass out which again set off my anxiety and made the pressure on my upper chest so much worse, it took a while to calm it down. I thought I was gonna die. then I managed to fall asleep again and now I feel much better than earlier but I do feel a bit unwell still. maybe itll be a bit better after breakfast (though anxiety makes it harder to eat, I lose my appetite) I don't know if it's all the stress or if it's linked to whatever is wrong with me aka the numbness. which is thankfully not getting worse but is still there. this is the fucking worst I don't know what to do. every time I feel the slightest off thing in my body my anxiety latches on it

idk maybe it's not the booster but the timing is too perfect. this numbness thing is not unheard of but also it seems those it happened to had it much worse. either way I hate not knowing what's wrong. I think I'll go back to the doctor today if I can and if not I'm ready to go to the ER for the first time in my life which is terrifying and I'm afraid of being told it's just anxiety

oh also as a note a couple of days before the booster I had blood tests done and they all came out normal except for two small vitamin deficiencies that I'm now taking supplements for so idk idk

[kykyonthemoon]

Snow on the Hearth

— Paring: Thoma x Ayaka

— Tags: fluff, sweet, desserts, Inazuma, first snow, first kiss

— Summary: When the first snow of many years ago fell, Thoma tasted Ayaka's sakura mochi. She once said that affection was her special ingredient. Now it's Thoma's turn to let her taste the emotions of his heart.

— Word count: 1875

— Requested by Cherii

— Ao3

— Hoyolab

— Masterlist

-----------------------------------

Lady Kamisato Ayaka has been quite busy recently. It was the end of the year, her elder brother was away again, and the young lady was in charge of everything big and small in the house. Thoma would frequently catch her concealing her mouth from a lengthy yawn or dozing somewhere around the estate, despite her best efforts not to appear exhausted.

The temperature was dropping that day. Lady Ayaka remained in the library to plan ahead. Her meals were brought by Thoma. He was concerned that the young lady might become unwell if she persisted in this manner! She couldn't even finish the lunch he'd given her. Thoma settled on a hearty meal full of her favorite dishes for supper. Maybe if she was pleased, she'd eat more.

For most of the evening, the main dishes for the lady's dinner were completed. With just dessert remaining, Thoma was at a loss for what to do. Ayaka is a very delicate princess. The food must not only be attractive and delicious to delight the lady, but it must also have a specific meaning.

Then Thoma thought of one. It was Sakura Mochi, but in Kamisato Ayaka's style. It was the lady who created this dessert, using the special recipe only she knew. Thoma remembered the very first day he came to the estate, the lady had brought a plate of mochi in front of him.

“This… What is it?” Thoma questioned, puzzled. He had never seen a dish so exquisitely beautiful. The person who made this treat must have been just as gracious and clever.

“The name is Snow on the Hearth.”

Lady Ayaka spoke forward. She was younger then than she is today, but her manner was already mature. 

"This is, in fact, Sakura Mochi. It's only slightly different since I used my secret recipe."

She continued and beamed, her eyes twinkling. She urged Thoma to quickly indulge and silently watched the expression on his face as he did so.

“D-Delicious!” said Thoma while his mouth was still full with mochi. The piece was smooth and fragrant with a sakura scent; the filling appeared to break in his mouth, like a snowflake at the start of the season melting in his hands.

Lady Ayaka's smile made the corners of her eyes curl. Thoma suddenly found himself a little impolite as he spoke while eating. He quickly apologized.

"Please pardon me, milady... I've never had anything as delicious as this in my whole life... so I..."

Thoma left his sentence incomplete. He didn't want to be ridiculed because of his background. Being able to serve at the Kamisato Estate for these two siblings in this time of need had been the greatest blessing of his life. And yet he dared to sit here and devour the mochi made by the lady herself.

But neither of the Kamisato siblings was haughty or dismissive of others. Thoma had heard from the estate's residents that they were gentle and compassionate toward even the servants and guards. That gave Thoma great comfort.

Seeing his stillness, Lady Ayaka said:

"There is no need to be formal. Oh, speaking of which, Mr. Thoma does know how to cook, right?"

Thoma gave a nod. "Yes. I'm also familiar with several Inazuma cuisine..."

"That's great!" Lady Ayaka clapped her hands joyfully. "When I have a chance, I'll show you how to make this."

Thoma was caught off guard. The lady prepared a meal for him and would even teach him how to make this dessert. Since arriving in Inazuma, and perhaps since he was born, the Kamisato siblings had been the ones who treated him best.

Seeing the look on his face as if he was about to cry, Ayaka added:

"From now on, this place is your home. My brother and I will be a part of your family too."

Thoma's eyes were welling up. He looked outdoors to escape the lady's gaze. It began to snow. The very first snow of the season. It was the first winter he truly knew warmth.

Lady Ayaka kept her words, and conscientiously showed him how to make her special mochi not long after. But no matter how hard Thoma tried, it never tasted the same as hers.

"Did you realize that each dish has a unique spice?"

"What is it, milady?"

"Affection." As her ivory hands clutched the mochi, Ayaka responded. "Every chef will have their own set of emotions and thoughts. The meal they prepare for each individual will be unique as well. When you taste the mochi I make, what do you think of it?"

Thoma felt a little embarrassed. What he thought of her mochi was also what he thought of her.

"Warm. And really unique. It's so delicate that a mortal like myself wouldn't dare to taste."

Ayaka turned to face Thoma. She appeared astonished.

"So it is. Nonetheless, you ate it all."

The young lady quietly chuckled. She covered her face with her hands, causing the dough to adhere to her cheekbones unwittingly. Thoma felt compelled to reach out and touch it.

"Yes... Now I'm sad I didn't keep one for myself since I was so hungry."

Ayaka seemed to be content. She stated:

"Thoma, you always complete household duties fast and effectively, as if you were born to do so. But cooking is another story. You were so driven to create this mochi and have it look just like mine that you overlooked the most vital component."

"Milady, you mean..."

"Think of me as you make each one."

Thoma's cheeks began to flush. He nodded fast and firmly. However, his multiple attempts did not yield the desired results. Thoma appeared to be concealing his own emotions, as he was worried Lady Ayaka might taste the feeling beyond his duty to her.

Back in the kitchen, Thoma was still shaping every mochi. At the moment, Lady Ayaka needed as much encouragement as possible. He couldn't fail her. He was bound to make a dessert that would make her understand his feelings.

"Think of me as you make each one…"

Though she might reject him. Though this discreet confession would probably destroy their years-long friendship... Thoma was willing to make a sacrifice, as the feelings in his heart grew, to the point where he could no longer keep them concealed any longer.

Finally, Thoma was done with everything. He placed the plates on a tray and carried them to the ladies' room.

It was rather dark. Thoma waited until it's cleaning time to return to the room.  He saw that the tray of food on the table had only been slightly reduced, and he didn't see the mochi. He walked inside to look for the lady. She wasn't working anymore, just sitting calmly on the porch, or engawa as the people of Inazuma call it. A half-eaten dish of Snow on the Hearth stood next to her.

Thoma grinned at her. When he came to ask whether the lady had a good supper, he saw she was sleeping. Closed eyes, head lying on a wooden pillar.  She must be exhausted. Thoma did not wake Ayaka and instead walked inside to get her a blanket.

Thoma gently draped the blanket over Ayaka's shoulders, hardly rousing her. The young lady was still sleeping peacefully. Thoma took a seat next to her. He took advantage of this unusual opportunity to secretly observe her for a lengthy time. It was as if he had buried the figure of the young lady and this adoration deep within his heart.

Thoma appeared to be drawn in closer by Ayaka's lovely features. His breath brushed over her cheekbones softly. How wonderful it would be if time could be stopped right at that moment...

Ayaka awoke at that very time. Thoma's gaze met hers for a split second before he pulled back.

“M-Milady!...” He stumbled. How could he justify this act of disrespect to her?

"Thoma?" Ayaka appeared to be sleepy still. She noticed the blanket draped over her shoulders and pulled it closer. "When did you come in?"

"I just got here. I'd like to know if you enjoyed your meal, particularly this dessert..."

Ayaka looked at the plate beside her, the corners of her lips forming a smile:

"Very delicious."

Thoma gave a nod. That was sufficient.

But Ayaka felt more from the mochi. She went on to say:

"Unlike before, I think I genuinely sensed Thoma's thoughts in it this time."

Thoma gave the young lady a surprised look. Ayaka looked away from him, out into the little courtyard. Snow started to fall.

"Look! It is the first snow."

The first snowfall of the season always reminded her of the day her brother brought Thoma home for the first time. How destitute he appeared at the time. She brought him the mochi she had just cooked. Winters had been long and cold. Ayaka was much more mature than she had been before. She wondered if Thoma had noticed what she meant, concealed beneath the delicate coating of mochi. Why were the ones he made for her still missing something… 

But she realized something today after tasting Thoma's mochi. Previously, he wouldn't dare to invest too much love into the sweets. Today was different. The dessert had a distinct flavor of warmth, caring, and something more. The flavor of his heart.

Fortunately, Thoma's mochi tasted just like Ayaka's. She was relieved that Thoma had finally let his heart to speak.

"Milady, you should go inside to stay warm..."

Thoma spoke up, but Ayaka remained silent. She waited quietly for Thoma to look her in the eyes.

"Thoma, remember how the first snow of the season fell when you first arrived?"

"Yes. I remember."

Another silence engulfed everything around. Then, Ayaka said:

"Your mochi, I've got the heart in it."

"You... Are you telling the truth, milady? You understand my sincere heart? ...

Thoma was taken aback once more. When he looked at Ayaka, she was smiling brilliantly.

"It's quite a regret that it took so long to reach to me."

Thoma was afraid to breathe deeply. Was he dreaming? Did Lady Ayaka grasp his heartfelt words in the mochi? Would she be displeased with him or possibly force him out of the estate for daring to hope in vain?

Ayaka turned around to face Thoma. Her head bowed gently.

"Thank you."

Thoma also bowed down in a hurry. His hands were clenched around his knees. He was scared that she would see them tremble the way his heart was dancing.

Ayaka rose up and went inside. Thoma thought that was the end. Maybe he would be kicked out of the estate the next day, not having time to say goodbye to his lord. But then he heard Ayaka's footsteps on the wooden plank behind him so suddenly. He turned around in time to see her face rushing toward him.

The lady's hand rested on his shoulder. Pink lips, sweeter than Ayaka's tastiest mochi, brushed across his cheeks and halted at the corner of his lips. Thoma was petrified at that moment. He was certain that if he lost control just a little further, his Pyro Vision would burn down the entire estate in such bliss. 

-The End-