#like damn i really grew up with this man and boom

[katewritesthings]

Learning to Deal

So, I've never written fic before, so please be kind. I've had to drink a bottle of wine to finish the smut and gain the courage to post. Please be funny when you tell me this sucks. :D (I also have ideas for a few more short blurbs in this universe)

•pairing: Joe Burrow x Original Female Character

•summary: Caroline Stevens had been known to the fans of the Bengals' as Sam Hubbard's best friend since he got drafted. Now she's dating his teammate Joe Burrow and must navigate the logistics that come with that

•word count: 4.3k

•warnings: SMUT, SMUT, SMUT. Slight angst. Angry Sex. Dom/Sub dynamics. Slight Daddy Kink. Light choking. Ass smacking. Cursing. Drinking. Cannabis Use. Lots of other stuff. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

Caroline Steven was sure she’d never get used to how overwhelming being a plus one to an NFL starter could be. Since her childhood best friend, Sam, had been drafted by their hometown football team, she’d attended her fair share of over-the-top events with budgets bigger than her teaching salary. (That is, when Sam happened to be single and his mother was not an appropriate option.) This routine would be coming to an end shortly, though.

Over the last year, Caroline had started seeing one of Sam’s teammates, Joe. Meaning that the next time they walked into a jungle-themed room, she would be on the arm of the man she wanted to walk in with, and Sam would not be hindered in attempting to fix his single status. (at least for the night).

Although he was one of the most private (read: shy) people Caroline had ever met, Joe somehow managed to become the face of the Bengals. Seriously, the guy was so closed off when she first met him that Caroline was convinced Joe hated her. It wasn’t that Caroline disliked the fact that her boyfriend was charismatic enough to become a franchise player; she just hated the legalities that came with it. 

It would only take the entire next Monday arguing with the agents and publicists that the NFL and Bengals put together to officially be Dating Joe Burrow™. Caroline was more than ready to be able to claim the beautiful man she grew to love as her boyfriend, but she knew that Joe was a little more hesitant about what compromises they were going to have to make as a couple to get this approved through the league. There were whispers about using their anniversary to make sponsored posts already.

Walking into the banquet hall the Bengals had rented at Moerlein Lager House, Caroline scanned the room for her boyfriend. While they had texted a few times throughout the day, their conversation before Joe dropped her off yesterday had been acting… off. Joe seemed a little put off about having to use his personal life for marketing, but Caroline hoped he saw her as worth it. The two made their way to a table to the left of the entrance, where champagne flutes were set out for guests to take. 

“Calm down, Stevie." Sam’s voice brought her back to reality, using her childhood nickname. “I really don’t think Danny Devito is here; there’s no need for such excitement.” “You’re such a goober!” Caroline chuckled, pushing a stray auburn curl out of her eyes. “I just wanted to see if I could see Joe. You act like it wasn’t you who set us up, don’t act like you’re annoyed with how we act together.” 

Before Sam could spit a comeback at Caroline, two arms wrapped around her middle and squeezed her tight. Joe’s deep voice boomed, “Hey, babe," before kissing her on the cheek and greeting Sam. Ja’Marr, Irv, and Tee. joined the three, drinks in hand. Greetings were exchanged before Ja’Marr nudged Caroline.

“Damn, girl. I didn’t know your Ms. Frizzle ass had dresses that didn’t have dinosaurs and shit on them.” With an eye-roll, Caroline pulled at the hem of her black dress, trying to make it come farther down than the upper thigh. She was far more comfortable in her themed dresses and cardigans, which helped engage her second-grade students. “I didn’t know you had that much skin; I almost thought your legs was made of cloth like some stuffed animal.”

Before Caroline could laugh at Ja’Marr’s roast, she heard Joe’s laugh, and his grip tightened on her hip. “Don’t be mad, Ja’Marr. You’ve just been salty that I’m the one she chose to know how much skin she has and how to stuff her.”

At that moment,t the various reactions rang through the group. Tee and Irv sent a chorus of “oooohs” to the circle of six. Caroline nearly choked on her drink and sent a look of confusion and panic to Sam, who responded with a chuckle and a “Well, this got weird. This is my signal to leave.”

Caroline turned out the remaining four men, making fun of Sam for running away when sexual topics came up while her mind raced with thoughts. Caroline shifted in her spot, tugging at her dress again. 

Joe seemed to notice Caroline zoning out because a whisper in her ear brought her back to reality. “I’m sorry, Caro. It came out before I could think. I had two drinks before you got here; I'm so sorry.” Tee, Irv, and Ja’Marr were still in conversation, now about the chances Sam would find enough alcohol and a girl to make him warm up to the sexual topics tonight.

Caroline let out a sigh and excused her and Joe from the group. She led them to a corner near a window overlooking Great American Ball Park and a partial view of the river. “You’re forgiven, Joe. You know, I just hate when you get vulgar.” “I completely understand. You’re not a piece of meat. I promise I’ll only brag about our fantastic sex life and your crazy body when you start the conversation.”

 Caroline leaned even farther on her tiptoes than her heels assisted, and kissed Joe on the chin. “That’s all I ask, baby.”

—

Ironically enough, Joe and Caroline had that conversation at the beginning of the night because, at present, the couple currently found themselves in a small group of Bengals and some of their plus ones from the party, playing a drinking game that required the player to answer the question on the card drawn or drink. The night had gone smoothly after the small speed bump that happened when Caroline arrived, so she found herself relaxing into Joe’s side, enjoying the early morning hours.

A small group of Joe and his teammates had decided that after a season of abstaining from partying as hard as they wanted, they’d continue the celebration in the suite Ja’Marr and Joe had previously booked in a nearby hotel. Something had told them they would be too incapacitated to drive and would want to celebrate as late as possible.

“Oooo! My turn! I pick... Joe!” Irv’s little sister Rachel, exclaimed to the circle. Her words were slurred from the mix of whiskey and weed she had been ingesting, but the entertainment was evident in her voice. It was obvious she was enjoying the usually serious men lose themselves in fits of giggles when another teammate admitted something embarrassing.

“What’s the most amount of people you’ve hooked up with in a night?”

“Three,” Joe mumbled, not picking up his drink. 

Caroline sucked in a breath. She knew this, while they didn’t quite know everything about each other yet, she and Joe had talked a lot in the time of their relationship. Early on, though, they found out that their sexual and romantic history was best left on an “ask-only” basis. Caroline knew herself better than to have Joe tell her everything at once. After his last long-term relationship ended, she watched from afar as he numbed himself in ways she didn’t even want to think about. She knew it was best for herself if she only found out what she needed to know and she believed that included whether or not she would be in the same room with one of Joe’s random hookups. Joe seemed to share the same mentality because he had only ever asked her vague questions. 

Next was Irv’s turn to pick a person to interrogate and a card. He scanned the group and chose Sam. His voice filled the air, reading from the card, “What was your most embarrassing sexual experience? Describe what you remember in detail.” “Fuck off, it does not say that!” Sam protested across the table from Caroline. “I’m afraid it does, Sammy boy,” Irv laughed back, waiting for Sam’s embarrassment. Caroline’s eyes shut as she laughed at her best friend’s discomfort. This situation was so much funnier to her than the one earlier in the night. Caroline wasn’t sure if it was because there was some light ribbing going on, the presence of women, and a game that was about bonding, gave her comfort in a way that was not present when it was just Caroline and 5 men.

 “Well, I guess when I was like 16… uh…. The girl I lost my virginity to…,” Sam stuttered. Caroline’s eyes instantly opened. She knew this story. She had figured in 10 years and a professional sports career later, he would have more embarrassing memories. “Well, uh… We had decided that maybe we would try mouth stuff, y’know. Well, uhh. St-she went down on me for the first time and uh.. .she vomited on me.” Sam stuttered through the whole beginning of the story while everyone else was gasping for air through their laughs. “You got puked on?!” T.B. said through howls. 

“Well, that’s not all.. We both made so much noise when my lap got covered. Ma-her brother came bursting through her bedroom door, and, uh.. he caught us.” Caroline shifted in her weight and faintly joined in the echoing laughter. Joe looked at her with a quizzical look and took another hit of the blunt being passed around. Joe wasn’t usually much of a partier, but the Bengals had put up a hell of a fight this season and it looked like her boyfriend was damn sure goign to celebrate it.. He had slowed down on his drinking after embarrassing himself earlier in the night, but Caroline had seen him with a honey-flavored backwood and at least two different rolled swishers throughout the night.

Before Joe could make anything of it, Sam’s name pulled him out of his thoughts to see Tee’s placing a card on the table. It was Caroline’s turn and she was answering telling the most legal trouble she had ever been in.

“So, basically, Sam had gone to practice and I woke up before he did. I went down to the kitchen in his house and two of his roommates were talking about me over breakfast. They were basically saying the most vile things you could think of and it only got more vulgar once they saw me. I threw a cast iron skillet at one of them and was banned from OSU’s campus.” She had shared this secret with Joe a few weeks into seeing each other. He had heard a vague version when Sam moved out of his house midseason. Caroline filled him in on the details after they were together to let him know why she was so sensitive about being in ceratin situations.

The card game continued for another ten minutes before some member of the group suggested they play ‘Never Have I Ever.’ This time, Caroline caught the look Joe sent her as she filled her glass to get ready to play. “You’re sure you’re okay with this? They’re going to get even more raunchy.”

Caroline licked her lips before forming them into a smile. “I’m fine, Joey. I’m having fun, I promise. And if I get uncomfortable, we can always say one of us is tired. Just squeeze my hip twice.”

Rachel explained the modified “late night, here to get fucked up” rules. They’d go around the circle and each person would say something they had never done. Every person has five fingers up and puts a finger down and takes a drink for every time they’ve done what someone else hasn’t. Once all five fingers are down, the person chugs their drink and is out.

The rules seemed easy enough and before long the game was on and laughs filled the air. Caroline wasn’t really paying attention to who had done what. Except Joe. She knew she shouldn’t, but this was a loophole in learning things about him, and without all the details. So far the score had gone as follows:

“Had sex in a football field” - Joe drank. Caroline drank. “Ever made out with someone of the same sex” Joe didn’t drink. Caroline drank. (Joe winked at her) “Cheated on someone” Joe drank. Caroline didn’t drink. “Been cheated on.” Both drank. “Broken a bone.” Both drank.

The group was in good humor, consistently whooping at Caroline when she had admitted she did something. Rachel had changed gears from trying to get everyone’s dirty secrets to just getting Caroline out, picking topics for her and Irv that they had known would get her out.

They were both down to their last finger and Caroline was starting to get drowsy. She had drunk quite a few times during this game and had been tipsy before. Maybe if she were more sober, she would have realized one of the two things happening within the next moment. Rachel gave Caroline a jokingly competitive stare before mouthing you’re going down.

“Never have I ever fucked someone in this room.”

Being the level of intoxicated she was, Caroline didn’t realize that an odd number of people in the room put their fingers down and took a swig of their drink. She also didn’t realize that, while Joe was intoxicated, he was mainly high which caused his mind to work in overdrive. This meant that Joe had noticed that there was an odd number of people who put their fingers down in the room.

Caroline had her cup tipped to the ceiling and was almost to the bottom of it when she felt two distinct squeezes on her hip and her boyfriend growling her name barely loud enough for her to hear. Her mind started racing at what Joe could.

“Actually guys, I’m feeling a little past my limit and am probably going to lay down. Caroline, care to join?” Joe’s strained voice came through his tightly clenched jaw. Caroline followed Joe as he stood up and made his way down the hallway of the suite toward their bedroom.

“Are you feeling okay, Joe?” The question hung between them while Joe fumbled with the keycard and the door handle. Caroline tried to not let her mind race too much as she replayed the last three minutes in her head. If anything, she should be the one a little upset in her opinion. Joe had admitted to cheating on someone in the past, and although she knew of the incidents, she couldn’t fathom why admitting she had sex with Joe would set him off so much.

A low grumble she couldn’t make out brought her out of her thoughts as Joe ushered her through the door.

“Please?” Caroline questioned, indicating to Joe to repeat what he said. “Why didn’t you tell me you fucked him?” Joe demanded again, this time loud enough for the redhead to hear. She was standing a the foot of the bed while Joe still had his hand on the deadbolt. “Uhm, what and who are we talking about again?” Caroline nervously laughed, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together in her head. It hit her the same time Joe’s steeled blue eyes met her brown ones and he repeated the question. “Why didn’t you tell me you fucked Sam?” the third time the question was presented to Caroline, frustration and anger overtook her drunken state. “What in the world are you talking about, Joe? When I told you I didn’t need to know details of your sex life you told me the same?” Caroline was confused. She never intentionally kept anything from her boyfriend. 

“I did ask. The first time we hooked up,” Joe’s voice came out strained. He had moved towards the middle of the large room. All Caroline wanted to do was crawl in the large bed directly in front of her and cuddle her boyfriend. This night definitely took multiple turns. “You did not! You asked me if you were the first professional athlete I had gone down on.” Caroline was exasperated now. She didn’t want Joe to think she was lying.

Caroline walked into the bathroom for a chance to break Joe’s gaze. When she reached the mirror she began taking the pins out of her curls. “And I very clearly heard the story of the first time you had that experience tonight, with our mutual best friend, Caro.” Joe loosened his tie as he emphasized the last few words of his sentence. He was angrier than Caroline had ever seen him off the field and she hated that it was because of her. 

The redhead turned her body to face the door where her boyfriend stood. Even when angry, the man was beautiful. Brown waves fell onto his face nose and cheeks red from a mixture of intoxication and anger. He had his button-up undone to his sternum and was working on taking off his belt.

“And I had told you that story when Matthew asked if you knew how to use a lock! I told you he walked in on me in high school and you cut me off. Plus, that happened well before Sam was drafted, therefore not a pro athlete. I thought you were asking if I was a groupie trying to add another to the list.” “I genuinely thought you knew babe,” she said from in front of the mirror, her eyes taking in Joe. He had leaned against the doorway and was watching her in a manner that made her unsure of what he was thinking. Usually, communication was easy between them. Disagreements never lasted long because even if they had conflicting feelings on a subject, they were both willing to hear it from the other’s perspective to attempt to understand.

Caroline unfastened the back of the earrings she was wearing and placed them down in the travel jewelry box she had placed on the counter earlier in the evening. “I told you about how I was a nerdy ginger in high school and had to make a mutual agreement to lose my virginity to my best friend. You didn’t want to know who”

Joe took a deep breath and rubbed his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger. “I guess, I didn’t think it was Sam. You guys went to different schools.”

“That’s cute that you thought high school Stevie could’ve gotten the attention of a boy besides Sam.” Caroline made the joke, hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't.

“He went to an all-boys school, and everyone in my school was repulsed by me, so we made a pact to keep up with the Joneses, so to speak. When everyone in middle school was talking about making out, we didn’t want to feel left out, and that sort of just progressed on to other things…”

“Do you have feelings for him?” Joe’s eyes flickered with a flash of emotion as he cut her off, clearly not wanting to hear the details. “Oh my God. Absolutely not in the way you’re asking.” Caroline’s brown eyes made sure to keep eye contact with Joe’s blue ones, she wasn’t going to be the first to look away. “It was really just experimenting, Joe.” “When was the last time? Did I know you?” Joe questioned, anger still seeping through his voice. Caroline felt a lump grow in her throat when she thought back to the last time she and Sam had hooked up, or at least attempted to. It was during her and Sam’s sophomore year in college and he had invited her up to visit him at Ohio State. “It was the day we met. At Ohio State.” Caroline uttered. Sam had insisted on taking her to Woody’s, the on-campus tavern, to meet with some of the second-string freshmen. Joe barely said hello to her, before returning his attention to the playbook in front of him. The room was silent for a minute before Joe broke their eye contact, standing up straight. Rubbing his fingers against his lip again, he turned his head to the side. “Fuck, Caro.  I just hate that he’s had what’s mine.” Before Caroline could get out the words, ‘What’s yours?’” Joe closed the few steps between the two. 

“Yes, Caroline. You’re mine.” His proximity to Caroline caused her back to turn flush against the counter. “And tonight I’m going to mark my territory.”

A warm feeling of realization washed over Caroline when she realized what Joe meant. Or maybe it was horniness. Because at that very moment, his hand wrapped around Caro’s throat and bucked his hips into hers.

A moan of agreement left Caroline’s plump maroon lips, causing Joe to growl. “That’s right, baby. I’m going to take what’s mine. But first, on your knees.”

Excitement sent of chill throughout Caroline’s body. She liked it when Joe was dominantt, but it rarely ever happened without her explicitly asking for it. What can she say, the man was all about her gratification by default. 

Before her knees even made contact with the cold tile, Joe’s cock was out and hitting her in the face. A smile spread across her face before she opened her mouth and gave a lick to the head. Caroline still had her tongue out and she worked her mouth down Joe’s shaft. When the head hit the back of her throat, she closed her lips and wiggled her tongue. 

“That’s right, baby,” Joe smirked, raking his hands through the auburn curls at his pelvis. Caroline brought a hand up to cup his balls, retracting her tongue and beginning to move her back and forth. “Fuck.” Joe bucked his hips into his girlfriend’s mouth, causing her to gag a bit. “Gag on Daddy’s cock, that’s right.” He demanded, causing Caroline to loosen her jaw and attempt to take the rough fucking her face was receiving. That was new.

After a few moments filled with slurps and moans, Joe finally spoke again. “Get up. Turn around.” Joe’s voice was still gruff with anger, but possesiveness and lust had also joined in. If Caroline hadn’t already been wet from the worship Joe had just demanded from her, she would’ve been after Joe gave her ass a smack and returned his left hand to her throat. They made eye contact in the mirror in front of them.

“After tonight, there’s going to be no doubt you’re mine last.” Joe leaned in and whispered into her ear. His right hand busied itself tugging down the thong she had under her dress. Caroline lifted her leg slightly to step out of the thin material, Joe took this as his opportunity to line up the head of his dick with the slick of her pussy.

The tip of his dick entered her warmth and he whispered, “My girlfriend,” as he slammed his entire length into her. White pleasure tore through Caroline’s pelvis when this happened. Joe was not small, and feeling him push his entire length into her gave her a sense of fullness that she craved.

Pulling out slowly, his eye contact never wavered from Caroline’s. “On MY arm for events.” He thrust into her again, then pulled out even slower causing a whimper to escape Caroline’s smudged lips. “Mine,” Joe repeated, burying himself to the hilt again. “Any objections?” Caroline shook her head, making sure to keep her brown eyes locked on Joe’s blue ones. She wanted to see his reaction.

“No, sir.”

And she was glad she did. Joe’s eyes somehow got even darker with lust as his right hand pushed her back down, so her chest was flat on the counter and his left found her throat again. The marble dug into her thighs, but at this point, the pain was mixing with the pleasure, Joe thrusting aggressively into her.

Caroline couldn’t make out the chain of expletives leaving Joe’s mouth as she began to feel the intense pleasure building inside her. “I’m so close, Daddy,” she whined, trying on the new title Joe had given himself earlier. “I wanna come on your cock so bad.” If Caroline thought Joe lost himself in lust earlier, she was wrong. He let out a guttural moan and stood Caroline back up again, without removing the hand from her throat. He moved his hand from her back to her clit. He used his long fingers to work circular motions on the sensitive nerves until Caroline lost herself to her pleasure and began twitching lightly. She wasn’t sure if she was actually moaning or just imagining it until Joe’s voice coached her through her orgasm. “I know, darling,” He planted a kiss on her head. “I know, you’re doing such a good job, just breathe.” He peppered more kisses over the top of her head before he moaned again. “I’m going to come, babe. Get on your knees and open your mouth.” Caroline did as she was told, quickly. She wasn’t going to give Joe a reason to question whether she liked this side of him or not. Joe pumped his fist around his dick twice before warm ropes came shooting towards Caroline, most of it making it in her mouth, a little on her lips and chin. She took Joe’s thumb and wiped the excess, before making eye contact and engulfing it in her mouth. After swirling her tongue around Joe’s thumb a few times, she swallowed. She set her lips in an ‘O’ to show off her newly empty mouth to Joe. “Fuck, Caro. You’re going to be the death of me,” Joe said laughing, his cheeks flushed. He patted his girlfriend's head before saying, “Now go clean up so we can go to sleep. I need you to get some rest before I wake you up.” “Oh, yeah?,” Caroline cocked an eyebrow, still on the ground. Her thighs were starting to ache from never taking off her heels. “Yeah, I’m going to fill you with cum and then we’re going to go eat brunch with the rest of the suite,” Joe said, sternness still in his voice.

Caroline stood up and looked at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was smudged and her hair was a rat’s nest, she thought about how this was the happiest she had ever been. Though, she was certain if she continued finding and loving new sides of Joe, it wasn’t the happiest she would ever be.

[swampstew]

1-800-GRANDLINEBLING ♥ Call Me On My Shell Phone

To celebrate 1K+ followers, I opened up phone lines to the crews! Part 1 of 3 ~ X reader (and one OC) with Kid, Killer Law, Zoro, and Sanji for myself, @quinloki @icy-spicy @yamat0 @mandiemegatron and @leftsidebonfire Part 2 | Part 3

You are now being connected to...

Purururu purururu puru—

Kid: Hey babe, I know it’s been a while since we talked. Even longer since I’ve seen ya…and I miss ya…so damn much. I’ll be back from my trip soon and when I do, I’mma make it be like I never even left. Don’t make any plans for the next few weeks - yeah weeks, you’re gonna be stuck with me for a minute! HAAH? Sorry the line is busy, but I’ll see you real soon. I love you.

Waking up to start your morning routine, you were interrupted when you heard a commotion in your backyard. Hurriedly, you investigated and found that some kind of animal had gotten into your she-shed and left a mess. After you cleaned it up, you went back to your bedroom and was stunned to find your bed made up and decorated with flowers and treats.

"KID!" you squealed as the giant scooped you up from behind, burying his nose in your neck, softly kissing your skin until he reached your lips. Ravenous as he sweetly but impatiently kissed you, leaving traces of his favorite red shade smeared all over you.

"Hey," he finally whispered, kissing your cheek, "Get dressed, I'm taking you out. I have a whole day planned for us."

Killer: Hey gorgeous, it's good to hear your voice. Man I really miss you, actually we'll be docking very soon. Is it alright if I take up your day and night? Heh, you're so sweet. I'll be sticking around for a bit before the next trip, and I'd like to spend that time with you. Yeah? Awesome. I'll be there soon. I'm cooking you the best pasta you'll ever have!"

Killer did not specify which day he was visiting, which made you all the happier when someone knocked on your front door and it turned out to be your new beau. You giggled as he scooped you into a bear hug, your legs lifted off the ground by his strength and height difference.

"Mmmm there she is," he sighed behind his face mask, nuzzling your face to push the fabric away. "Gods I missed the way you feel in my hands," he kissed your cheek softly.

"Kiiilllller not outside," you whine.

"As you wish," he huffed, rushing inside and kicking your door close as you left out a delighted shriek. "We won't be cooped up in here all the time though, I think I owe my girl some spoiling and pampering."

Law: Hey. It's been a while hasn't it? How are you? Thanks, I'm doing ok, I'll be better when we dock on land. The crew is going to do their own thing but I'm hoping I can stay with you and make up for lost time. Yeah? I like the sound of tha--wait, dancing? You know I can--tch--Shachi needs the phone. We'll talk when I see you. No, you're not convincing me to go dancing.

Bitch he thought.

Law landed on your island and it took all of 2 hours before you dragged him to the comic book store. A simple route to throw him off his game - so when your day trip transitioned to lunch date, to at-home-nap, to dinner with friends, to the rave party down the block, he couldn't help himself but follow you into the booming building. All it took was some peer pressure, shots, a lot of tequila, and some glow in the dark bracelets. He's down so bad for you.

Zoro: Hello? Is this thing even on? Oh you can hear me! Good. We'll be on dry land soon enough, and if you want to hang out or whatever, I'm ok with doing that. TCH No, I don't need you to pick me up, I can find your place on my own. Yes I'm sure! I--hm I have to go, the stupid cook needs the snail. I uhm, look forward to seeing you.

You were pleasantly surprised to find Zoro on your doorstep, on time exactly like he said he would be. You didn't miss the way Franky zoomed away on his motorcycle, all sly-like.

"Told you I knew my way around," the swordsman scratched the back of his head, a pink hue grew on his cheeks as his eyes looked everywhere but you.

"Sure, sure whatever you say Marimo," you grin cheekily, and that made him more flustered.

"TCH, annoying ass. Look we don't have to hangout--"

"Shut up, annoying man!" you bite back, the curve of your lips growing wider as you antagonize your crush.

With a huff, Zoro finally looks you in the eye, the blush on his face deepening, "With an attitude like that, I know exactly what we're going to do first. Hope you still have your sparring gloves."

Sanji: MON CHERIEEEEE!!! I've missed you every day like a plant misses the sun on a rainy day. We'll be making port in a day and I can't wait to show up on your doorstep with my heart - no, not literally, I know that freaked you out the last time. Do you need me to pick up anything? You always say 'no its ok,' but I swear you're never inconveniencing me! I swear on the mosshead's life! I'll see you soon my love.

As promised, Sanji appeared on your front porch carrying a picnic basket full of goods and trinkets he brought from his travels. Delighted, you threw your arms over him and he swung you around once before planting a big kiss on your cheek.

"Oh, I've brought a friend if that's ok," Sanji whispered in your ear.

You looked behind him to find a shy little cow trailing behind the French cook.

"Of course," you squealed happily, "Everyone is always welcome here. Let's warm up some milk for this baby to eat."

[bleach-your-panties]

Hello again 😊 I wanted to make a separate alphabet request for I,M,N,&U for Bakugo and iida? (Why am I giggling like a child at my ask letters?? 😂)

Because you knew what the hell you were doing when you put those letters together 😂

dividers by @/hitobaby. pro-hero characters.

❥Katsuki Bakugou:

❥⋱I - I Love You: When did he first say ‘I love you?’

It was during your third year at UA, let's say a month before graduation. The two of you had dated off and on since your first year. Katsuki had had a hard time deciphering his feelings for you; he knew he loved you aa a friend and wanted to protect you, but he couldn't shake the nagging feeling of wanting more.

His pride often held him back from expressing himself - not wanting to be seen as 'weak' or allowing anyone to have anything to hold over his head or tease him about.

It's a wonder what time will do though, because as the year drew to a close, Katsuki saw himself fighting a losing battle with his heart. His heart wanted you. You and him together.

"Y/N."

You stop as the buffed-up blonde calls out your name as you leave the training grounds after practice.

He strolls up to you and grabs hold of your waist, pulling your plush body flush against his hard, muscled one. His large arms are on display in a black muscle tank and his UA training pants sag below his waistline, revealing a sinful little peek of his V-line.

"I love you." He said simply, those devil-red eyes scouring your face for any hint of disapproval.

In turn, your eyes crinkle and you laugh at him.

"I know, Katsuki."

"HAHH?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNOW?!" Bakugou booms out a retort, about to fly into a mini rampage when you bring your hands up to rest on his biceps.

"You make it so painfully obvious with your actions, but it's okay. I know you suck at expressing yourself. I love you, too."

His cheeks flush red - whether from frustration or embarassment, who knows - but they only darken further when you lean up to press a sweet kiss to his nose.

❥⋱M - Marry: How does he feel about marriage?

Bakugou absolutely wants to get married. This man grew up in a two-parent household and got a front row seat to how a man is supposed to treat his wife (Although his mama might be a lil cray cray. Papa Bakugou, blink twice if you need help.)

The entire hero and civillian worlds are going to know when he proposes, because it’s going to be broadcast on every major news station, at his request. 

This man is possessive; he wants all those Extras out there to know that you’re his woman and that they have no chance in hell at getting you to look their way.

Especially when he slips that big ass ruby ring on your finger.

He’ll grab your hand and wave it in the camera saying,

“You see this?! Try to fuck with her now and see don’t I blow your damn heads off!”

I know his PR team be stressed the hell out dealing with his shenanigans.

❥⋱N - Naughty: One thing he’d like to try in the bedroom.

He’s another one that has likely tried just about everything in the bedroom, but yet he still somehow manages to come up with some shit you’ve never heard of for the two of you to try.

“Katsuki, what the hell is Katoptronophilia??"

You looked over the screen of his phone that he'd shoved in your face and up into his vermillion-colored eyes.

"Sex in front of the mirror, baby. I think that's one that we really haven't explored to its fullest potential yet."

And by fullest potential, he means he hasn't fucked you with you staring up at the mirror above your bed yet.

"Fuck, princess, that looks so fucking good, doesn't it? Look at how my cock just stretches your tiny hole open so well. You can't look away, can you?"

He's jackhammering you from below while holding you underneath your armpits in a firm grip. Your smaller body bounces on top of his, tits swaying, and you're so embarrassed at the completely fucked-out look on your face.

He removes one arm and reaches down to circle a finger over your clit.

"Neither can I."

❥⋱U - Underwear: Does what you have under your clothes turn him on?

Bakugou is a connoisseur of sexy underwear and lingerie. He always buys you the prettiest sets and they’re usually in one of these three colors - black, green, or orange. If they ever put out a lingerie collection based on Pro Heroes, he would opt to design the Dynamight set himself LMAO. With you serving as his model and inspiration of course. 

❥Tenya Iida:

❥⋱I - I Love You: When did he first say ‘I love you?’

It likely came at a time when he was questioning if he was really cut out to become a hero or not.

Despite his outward displays of leadership and confidence, he has his moments of insecurity just like anyone else.

"Why do you think that you won't make a great hero, Tenya? You exude all of the qualities that are desirable in a hero: intelligence, courage, and selflessness. You're an amazing man and you will become an amazing hero!"

His dark eyes widened behind his glasses and a rosy tint stretched across the bridge of his nose.

The two of you have been dating for about six months now, just enjoying being together and letting things happen naturally.

Taking your tiny hand into his, he entwines your fingers together and presses his forehead to your cheek. His soft, dark hair falls across your skin, making you let out a hum of pleasure.

"Thank you, Y/N. I-I love you. I won't hold back my true feelings any longer. I love you and I need you to stay by my side."

❥⋱M - Marry: How does he feel about marriage?

Iida would want to get married as well. He too came from a close knit family and after dealing with his brother’s hospitalization, he definitely wants to grow and cultivate his own legacy one day to continue to pass down the family’s hero heritage. Tenya is not the type of man to play games or wait around, either, leaving you guessing about where your relationship is headed.

He is going to propose and do it properly. He will ask for your parent's blessing before going out to buy you the biggest rock he can find and afford.

He’s less…outgoing than Bakugou and would rather settle to make the big announcement over a private dinner with only his family and close friends in attendance.

❥⋱N - Naughty: One thing he’d like to try in the bedroom.

For Iida, he's pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. He's not the type to try any super wild or outlandish kinks in the bedroom, but that doesn't mean he's a boring lover.

Positions vary, but his favorites are the ones where he can hold you close and stare down into your face. He loves to encage you with his much larger body, so he definitely has a size kink.

Iida is apprehensive about bringing this up to you, but he'd really like to do some dom/sub roleplay in the bedroom. He knows that his natural personality can be a bit overbearing, thus making this dynamic seem undesirable, but he can't help the blush that forms on his cheeks when he thinks of you kneeling in front of him or bent over with your ass presented for him to spank with his belt.

❥⋱U - Underwear: Does what you have under your clothes turn him on?

Iida is more of a simple, traditional man when it comes to underclothes/bedroom wear. He likes it when you wear those floor-length, silk nightgowns to bed. The ones with the high slits that reveal your soft, smooth thighs and the waistband of your panties.

Not very picky is he; he likes just about anything that you wear to bed, but those are absolutely his favorite. He likes the feeling of the soft material on his hands as he caresses you before undressing you while you lay beneath him.

----

valentine a-z ©bleach-your-panties 2024. do not steal, repost, or upload my shit to tiktok! comments appreciated. reblogs always welcome.

[weirdozjunkary]

I made another small fic for the movie version of the MVA AU cause I think its fun. It might evolve into its own thing unrelated to MVA, but I really like this funny au of an au

Wedding crasher

(Another movie MVA AU fic oneshot)

The sun beamed down on the beautiful Hawaiian beachside. It was a beautiful day for a wedding. Beautiful it was. But maybe too much.

Triiiing—Triiiing! Triiiing—Triiiing!

Toms phone began ringing before Rachel and Randal could exchange their vous. “Sorry! Sorry! My bad! I thought it was on silent!” Tom nervously chuckled as he shit off his phone. He revived daggers from the bride who already hated his guts.

Triiiing—Triiiing! Triiiing—Triiiing!

“So help me, Thomas!” Rachel shouted at him.

“Sorry! Sorry! Let me just take this! I’m so sorry!” He said and ran off to the side to take the call as silently as he could. “What?!” He silently shouted at the hedgehog from his phone. “This better be an emergency, or so help me I’ll…. What’s that noise?”

“Oh uh… there is a little bit of an emergency!” Sonic sheepishly said. The wind blowing wildly into the phones receiver.

“What’s going on? Why are you so close to the camera? Did you get into trouble again?”

“You could say that….” He had no idea how to tell him what had happened. I mean, how do you explain that you grew 50-feet in one knight, turned blue, an angry echidna has teamed up with a man that you both thought was dead by now, and now you are again running away from them with an unconscious fox in your palm because they want you dead. Actually, knowing Tom, he wouldn’t really be that surprised by any of this.

“Oh my god. Do I really need to come home, now?

“No no no! You’re good! I just need you to throw the ring I gave you, like right now!”

“What? Why?”

“Listen, I got only one ring on my right now, and it won’t be big enough! I need you to throw it, NOW!”

Big enough? What the hell did he mean by that? Was he bringing a truck through or something? “Okay, just hold on a minute! How do I even do this?!”

“Just picture where you want the ring to go! Now picture this!” Sonic struggled to turn the phone around to face the front of him. There, what Tom saw was the massive snowy mountains of Siberia.

“Why are you in Siberia?!”

“JUST THROW THE DAMN RING!”

At the alter, though trying to enjoy the moment, Rachel noticed Tom, silently yelling to the hedgehog whom she suspected to be at the other side of the phone. She sighed. Of course, that little devil had caused enough destruction to her life, even if it was minor. What was he even doing now? Oh god, was he really bringing that little idiot here? Now of all times?

She watched as Tom threw the ring he had in his pocket and created that familiar golden portal that she had seen Sonic use at least once before. But what she didn’t expect was for it to suddenly double in size. The sight managed to catch everyone’s attention.

Screaming came from it. A booming scream that grew increasingly louder and louder, and Tom grew increasingly more and more shocked. He jumped out of the way just as a giant hedgehog fell through it. The ring disappeared not long after.

“Ugh… ow…” Sonic groaned, slowly sitting up from the now ruined grass.

“S-Sonic?” Tom said warily. “Are…. Are you alright?”

He waved a hand to him. “Hey. Yeah. I’m good.”

“Good, good… because YOURE IN SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE!”

“Language!”

“DONT BACK TALK TO ME! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?! YOU GREW FIFTY FEET IN TWO DAYS?!”

“Actually like five minuets.”

“WHAT?!”

“Okay, Tom! You need to calm down!” Maddie said, putting a hand on him. She pointed to the hedgehog. “Now YOU! Talk! Now!”

“Okay, long story short. I got hit by presumably this magic emerald which caused me to be like this. Robotnik came back with this echidna name Knuckles and now they’re trying to kill me! I grabbed Tails and- wait- TAILS!”

“Wait- Tails? Who is Tails?”

Sonic looked around him and lifted up the still unconscious fox from the dirt. He poked him with a finger. “Tails, please! Please wake up! Come on!” He lightly shook his hand.

“Sonic. Give him to me.” Maddie said.

“O-okay. Alright.” Sonic stammered. He gently placed the fox on the ground in front of her. God, he was really banged up. “Please, Maddie! He has to be alr-AH!” Sharp pain stuck into his shoulder. He put a hand over it and looked at what had hit him. Sleeping darts. Hundreds of them. Heavy duty ones too.

“Sonic?” Tom called out in worry.

“Wait! No…. I have… to…” A drowsiness came over him almost instantly and he struggled to keep his eyes open. “No… Tails…” He crashed onto the ground with a shaking thud, his hand falling into the altar beside him. Just after, various men across the crowed had drawn out guns they had kept hidden in the wedding ceremony.

“What the hell?!” Tom cursed.

“Randal, why do all your friends have guns?” Rachel said.

“It’s okay everyone, we’re federal agents.” Said a man holding up a badge. He turned to Tom and Maddie. “You really should have brought me up on that brunch Mister and Misses Wachowski.”

Tom squinted his eyes. “Olive Garden guy?”

“Correct. Though you may call me by my credentials. My name is Commander Walters, and as a federal agent, I’m calling jurisdiction on this site. We knew you still had the hedgehog in custody, Wachowski, but we knew you would never hand him over willingly. So we decided to create ‘operation catfish’.”

“Operation catfish?!” Rachel shouted. “You mean to tell me, that this ENTIRE WEDDING was a SET UP?!”

“Rachel, please. Listen to me.” Randal calmly said.

“IM DONE LISTENING!” Before she could do anything, she was held back by two men.

“I’m so sorry.” Randal said sombrely.

“Hey wait!” Tom shouted as he ran towards the army men who began to pin sonic down with rope, lots of it. “STOP IT! LET HIM GO!” He punched one of them in the face before two more pinned him to the ground. “GET OFF OF ME!”

“What are you doing?!” Maddie exclaimed. “Sonic isn’t a threat! He’s on our side!”

“He’s an uncontrolled extraterrestrial, and right now he is over 15 meters because of some ‘emerald’. He is more of a threat now than he has ever been!” He turned to the men, who now had Sonic, Tom, and the unconscious Tails in their custody. “Secure them here until the copper arrives.”

The rest of the men shooed everyone else away from the scene. Even Maddie and Rachel, who now had to figure out how to save the three of them.

[highcaliberstupidity]

Dog Days Pt.1

Part 2 (TBA)

Soap's never been much of a dog person.

He doesn't mind them, really, he'd loved the pooch he grew up with. But a stranger's dog, specifically a large one, yeah, any man was right to be wary of them, right?

So it's totally excusable for him to yelp like a scared little kid when a forty-kilogram German Shepard assaults him via slobber and tongue in the middle of the park. Minding his own business, drawing away, and then BOOM, several kilos of a very heavy, very wet dog that seemed intent on drowning him in its drool.

Casting his sketch pad and pencils to the side, all he could do was throw up his arms, calling for mercy as the big bastard just kept licking.

"Bloody 'ell, Riley, down!" A gravely, thick accent shouts and the assault comes to a very sudden end. Not before the bastard sticks a paw in his gut for good measure, that is.

For a long moment, all he can do is lay there, blinking confusedly at the blue sky as the slobber starts to dry.

Disgusting.

"Shit, sir, are you alright?" The sun and sky are blotted out, dark brown eyes full of concern and messy blonde hair snatching his attention. "Swear he's not usually like this, got a bit too excited and broke'is damn leash."

All Soap can bring himself to do is stare, blinking stupidly as his jaw falls open a bit. The mutts owner is nothing short of god-like, with wide shoulders and a slender build that tapered out of his line of sight.

Despite the black medical mask covering the lower portion of his face, the big brown eyes expressed all he needed to know as he gaped up at him.

Christ, the fucker was beautiful.

"...Sir?"

"Am I dead?" Oh, good fucking going MacTavish. "Cause you look like an Angel." Yeah, way to put your foot in your mouth you fucking bampot.

Promptly the pale, beautiful face scrunches up, and he could swear he sees a tinge of pink flush across his cheeks. "Did you just hit on me?"

"Did I?"

"Christ, did Riley hit your head off a stone or something?" Actual concern blooms in his eyes now, kneeling down next to him with a low huff. "Most sane men don't try to hit on someone when they're covered in dog spit."

Soap promptly lets out an affronted noise, sitting up fast enough to nearly brain his own skull of the strangers. "Oi, is'yer mutt that slobbered all over me!" He puffs, doing his best not to stare now as his higher brain functions slowly kick back online.

"Right, sorry bout that, he's usually pretty well behaved. Not to sure what got into him." As if summoned, the mutt in question, 'Riley' went in for another lick, only to be gently scruffed by the blonde. "Nough of that lad, leave the poor bastard alone. " He grunts, amusement clear in his tone.

"So, any chance I get to know the name of my beautiful savior?" Jesus Christ, apparently his higher brain function wasn't back up to snuff just yet. The blonde looks at him, and Soap can't quite tell if the squint of his eyes and furrow of his brow is a grin or a grimace.

"Mm, maybe." Brown eyes evaluate him for a moment, fingers toying with the torn end of the leather leash. "Have a coffee with me to make up for Riley, and I'll tell ya."

Soap grins despite the flush of heat that spreads across his own cheeks. "I'sppose I could be convinced, I even know one that's mut-Riley friendly." The blonde snorts, but there's a twinkle in his eyes now.

Yep, definitely grinning.

Pushing up from his squat, the blonde leans down to offer him a hand. "Well, lead the way then, mohawk."

[tonberry-yoda]

OMG HIII its saya helicopter anon!

heres another request for crocdad i hope this will be fun for you to write

What if we have caiman as a teen

Who is now shy to express his love like other teens unlike before :')

AYO BRING IN THE SCENARIO

✨kabooms✨

Reader is sad and is experiencing burn out so croc silently tries to comfort her, he is facing the open door from their bedroom and y/n is facing the other side and they are just hugging in silence standing

Awkward teen caiman walks past and sees the whole thing and is concerned for his mom but doesnt know how to help and he was about to sneak away to give them moment, he accidentally held eye contact with his dad

They doing the eyebrow and eye communication yu kno

Croc asks him to stay and comfort his mother andden

Caiman says hell no i can't, ill help you later and was about to walk away when croc goes "CAIMAN?"

Bro dashed away to reply to appear like he wasnt there and was chilling in his room

"YEAH?!"

"GET ME A GLASS OF WATER"

And boom from there croc silently guides caiman to act like a gentleman silently and guides him to comfort y/n

Like get her flowers, hug her, cook her something or something

What a gentlemanman :')

Again, you can take 1% of this idea, maybe it sparked smth or not take this request at all

HAVE A NICE DAYYYY

Just know that Im proud of yu ✨ :)

-🚁

Croc as a Father - Part 8

notes - I AM SO HAPPY THAT I KEEP GETTING THESE! I really love this series and I am so glad that a lot of people really love it too! Helicopter anon, thank you for the amazing idea! I am really glad I am here to write it for you <3 Have a super day and stay hydrated! EDIT: I just finished the fic and this has to be my best one yet! I really need to keep writing this series it is too damn fun! word count - 774 tags - @bari-saxxy

Caiman grew up to be a handsome young man. Dark hair just like his father and eyes just like his mother. But growing up made him harsher too. His goal was to become a warlord, like his father had formally been, so he toughened up a bit. He was tall and skinny, unlike his father, but he dressed just about the same and even slicked back his hair. Rings covered his fingers and through teenage rebellion, he even started smoking cigarettes.

He was a bit more to himself - his only real friend being the bananagator you and your husband had given him for his birthday so many years ago - but he didn't mind because in the end, he was working now and he would always be working to get his goal, no matter what.

None of the changes of your sweet boy bothered you - though you wish he wouldn't smoke in the house so much. But he definitely was his father's son, that was for sure.

What was bothering you, however, was the burnout you had been experiencing lately. Work had really taken a turn for the worse as you and Croc got older and both of you could barely keep up, especially since you were wanted by the Marines. Running and running without a break, you could barely see how your son was doing anymore.

Finally, you had enough.

"Crocodile, I don't want to live like this anymore." you cried, hiccupping on your own tears. You sat on your bed with your face buried in your hands while Crocodile sat on a chair in front of you.

"Darling," he placed his hand on your back and rubbed in circles. "I know you don't. And I don't either, but right now, we don't have a choice."

Caiman was walking past the door to get some breakfast when he heard your sobs coming from the room. He stopped at the door and peeked in. He didn't know what to do. The old Caiman would've immediately ran to your side, but something in him couldn't do that anymore. So he just watched, trying to hide that he was slightly tearing up from hearing you cry. Now that he thought about it, he had never really seen you cry before.

While Crocodile was comforting you, he looked up and made direct eye contact with Caiman, who jumped back a bit. Croc signaled with his eyes for Caiman to come in, but he shook his head.

Before the boy could dash away, Crocodile shouted, "Hey Caiman?!" And smirked.

Caiman ran off and from the other room yelled back, "Yeah?!"

"Could you bring me a glass of cold water please?!"

Caiman groaned under his breath, but reluctantly called back, "Yeah!"

A few minutes later, Caiman came in with a nice glass of cold water and Crocodile pulled up a chair for him. He handed you the water and you thanked him, sniffling.

As you were taking a couple of sips, Crocodile leaned down to Caiman's ear and whispered, "I'm going to clean your mother's work-space so she doesn't feel overloaded. Comfort her, okay?"

"But I don't know how to do that!" he whispered back.

"Make her something to eat. Ask her how she is. You know exactly what to do, Caiman, but you're just too scared to do it. Nothing makes a warlord like a gentleman, okay?"

Caiman just nodded and watched his father walk out of the room. He took a deep breath and ran his hands down his face.

You looked over at your son and went to apologize for crying, but he stopped you.

"What's wrong, mom?" he asked, wrapping a blanket over your shoulders.

"Just a lot going on," you chuckled, wiping your own tears. "Being out on the seas isn't easy."

"Yeah, I know." he laughed.

"Are you sure you're prepared to live like this?" you asked.

"Of course I am. And I am more than willing to help, mom. I don't want you or dad to be stressed out. Just let me know if you need anything. I can't become a warlord without you guys. We're family. I need you."

You teared up. Your son had grown up to be so beautiful.

"Thank you, Caiman." you said, pulling him into your arms.

"Do you want something to eat?" he asked, standing up.

"That sounds wonderful, baby."

He pressed a kiss to your forehead and told you that he loved you all while his father watched with a proud smile through the crack of the door.

You both raised an amazing young man who was bound to do great things, you just knew it.

~~~~~

papa croc masterlist | pinned post

2023 @tonberry-yoda – do not repost or claim ANY of my work as your own! likes, reblogs, and comments are not only welcome, but appreciated

~~~~~

[lemon-muncher]

@snowqueem You need hella good head for this ask

Luffy x Dom Male Reader

It was the usual routine for the Straw Hat Pirates. Your captain, Luffy would find the oddest things fascinating and venture out with his kid-like demeanor. The crew along with yourself would act almost like parents, running after him, fixing what he breaks and paying crazy bills for his ability to eat without getting full. It's exhausting

You, being the second mate to the captain, took the majority of the fall when it came to Luffy's trouble. No matter how much you try and persuade your boyfriend, his mind and body would betray him. It made your blood boil with rage. "Why go through all the trouble of discipline when he'll act up in the end?" You mumbled under you breathe while standing on deck with Sanji.

The cook looked over at you and gave you a pitiful smile. "He's exhausting...but he's still our captain." His breath was heavy with cigarette smoke. It slightly annoyed you but it was better than Luffy finding a way to cause troub-

"DAMN IT LUFFY!"

Nevermind. Nami's angry voice boomed through the pirate ship. A black haired male ran across deck towards you as the firey red head ran after him. "Y/N! Tell Luffy to stop touching my stuff!" Nami harshly screamed at the your boyfriend. You sighed as you felt long limbs wrap and hang around your body. Luffy clung to you like a koala, not loosening his grip as you walked away from the scene.

"Aw~ Y/N~ why are we leaving? I didn't even get to ask Sanji about dinner~" Luffy whined as you made your way towards your shared room. You remained silent, too pissed to really listen to Luffy and his groaning. As you opened the door and made your way inside the room, you grabbed your boyfriend by his collar and threw him on the bed. The black haired male gasped in surprise but perked up waiting for your response.

"You just don't know when to quit, do you Luffy?" The devil fruit user watched as you made your way towards the bed. Your hands fumbled with the buckle of your pants. The usual loud Luffy remained silent as you advanced towards him. "Since you can't keep quiet, put your mouth to use, yeah?" You question-demanded for Luffy to suck you off which he eagerly obliged to. The second you were in arms reach, he pulled you in by your hips, grabbed your cock from your boxers and quickly began sucking you off.

He was messy and loud like he always was when eating. "I guess I have to teach you some manner..." Luffy looked up with your dick jstill in his mouth. "If even a single drop of spit or cum drops, I'll punish you." Still looking up, the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates raised an eyebrow in confusion. That confusion quickly turned into surprise as you grabbed both sided of his head and harshly thrusted into his mouth. And after one thrust there was another. And another. And another. Dark eyes rolled to the back of Luffy's head as you used his throat like it was your personal toy.

Only you could do this, and that's what made Luffy love it even more. Only you could claim him as yours. He thrived off of knowing he was yours and yours alone. "Ah-sHit! That's it, baby~ keep this up and I might let you cum tonight~" You groaned between fast thrusts. The hard on under Luffy's pants grew each second. The feeling of precum falling down his throat was so sinful yet so pure. His hands held onto your hips when he knew you were about to cum.

After a few labored thrust, you pushed you hips completely against Luffy, his nose directly on your pelvis. A stream of hot cum filled his throat and mouth, your boyfriend almost crying from the feeling. "You drink cum like your a starving man~" You look down to his lap, noticing the large wet mark on his pants. Humming to yourself, you slowly pulled out of his mouth, bending down to poke your boyfriend's slightly hard dick. "I said not s single drop. That includes your own cum, Luffy..." Lust cover eyes looked up to yours. The usual sheepish smile still on his face.

"Please...punish me~"

Link Link

[themostsanebug]

TEEHEHE!!! I WROTE MORE OC ANGST!! <33

[ooo,, this one is BAD,, blood, vomit, suicidal thoughts, and just,, massive amounts of physical and mental pain in general,,]

Boris gripped onto the radio that was now his head. The tips of his fingers had been sprouting into claws for a few weeks now, but he supposed now they were nearing the finish line. It felt like fire was being injected straight into his veins as the claws grew out and scraped against his head. He wanted to scream. Call out for help. Yet, he couldn't. He knew that stupid messenger god would shut him up.

Still. He called out. A strangled cry before the wound around his neck split open again and the blood poured out.

"Fool. There is no one here who cares for you. Just give in. Hand yourself over to me, body and mind." Tobias' voice boomed throughout his mind. It flooded all his senses and sharpened the feeling of pain without him. "For a feeble man your spirit is quite strong. How long will it take to break you down, young one?"

He wanted to sob. Everything hurt. The spikes shooting up from his spine, the tail growing from the end of it, the blood coating his newly formed claws from the gaping injury on his neck. It was all too much. He wanted to rip his head off. No.. he wanted to be human again. Not.. whatever the hell he's become. Whatever he has been turned into. Fuck, he'd ran out of bandages a while ago, leaving him unable to tend to the wounds he now had. Static cut through his speaker, his vision was starting to blur and his head felt lighter than usual. Shit.. shit, shit, shit.. He couldn't pass out now! He didn't.. he didn't need that.. thing in his mind when he slept. He didn't need it in his body.

He should never have joined that damned cult. All he wanted was to find a way to get this stupid radio off his head without dying in the process! Now dying seemed like the better option. Just rip off the radio and bleed out on the floor.

"Pathetic. You truly are a sniveling, slimy creature. You could make this so much easier on yourself if you just gave in." He winced as that voice overtook him once again. He wanted to slit that voice's throat. God or not, he wanted it gone. A scream cut through his speaker as the spikes growing along his spine grew out of the skin containing them. His breathing grew more ragged as a blur crept back into his vision. He scrambled to pull his shirt off so he could assess the damage being done to his body. He.. He really shouldn't have looked.

The mirror showed him that the area of.. infection from the god had grown up to the area around his shoulder blades, dark colored markings painted across his shoulders and steadily spreading. Turning around revealed his back was in fact bleeding from the unexpected growth of his spine. Some of the spikes had grown in improperly due to being rushed leaving a few gorey wounds behind that would take forever for him to heal. He looked disgusting. He was slowly turning into a monster his tormentor had created and there was nothing he could do. He felt light headed. Much worse than mere seconds ago which he had assumed was impossible. He felt nauseous. Seeing that much blood did something to him. All of that mutilation done to his own body. He turned back around and gripped onto the edge of the sink. His claws scraped against the glass, leaving marks in their wake and a horrible noise that rang through his head. He couldn't take it anymore. He leaned into the sink and threw up. The bottom of his radio practically split open to get out the amount of bile he coughed up. Once all of the vomit was out of his system, he continued to dry heave over the sink for a few more minutes. He could hear the mocking laugh of Tobias echoing in his mind. Whether he was imagining it or it was actually happening was hard to tell through the haze covering his brain.

He could tell his body was ready to give out any second. His legs about gave out from underneath him when he tried to walk. He settled for just sitting down on the floor and "resting" there. He was still bleeding, red pouring from his open injuries and covering basically everything. His vision blurred for the last time as he finally passed out. His body curled in on itself as he lay on the floor of his bathroom. Just an average day of the week for Boris Madden.

[morathicain]

HELLO CAIN!!! First of all how are you my favourite mutual? (can you believe we've been mutuals for 4 years now? So weird)

As you may have noticed I got back into my Thai series obsession - Uni is KILLING ME - and I'm rediscovering some series that came out during these years that I unfortunately missed and let me tell you I am both EXTATIC and dissapointent

So let's start with the dissapoint: I've noticed that after bad buddy (straight up one of the best BL ever made) Thai series, but EXPECIALLY gmmtv, have started to make the couple fall in love very VERY soon in the series which for me - a slow build and slow burn lover - is AWFUL

What do you MEEEEEAN they kiss in episode 3?!? Come on where is the drama? Where is the falling in love??? Heck they are making me miss the love triangles just saying

And because of this some series just, stop making sense after a certain point? Like the story is finished so they fish out a random and stupid storyline to fill the last episode which sucks⭐✨⭐✨ (coff coff 23.5)

NOW FOR THE EXTATIC PART

We are getting so many GLs!!!!!! LET'S GO!!! GIVE ME THE LESBIANS!

But also they are pushing a lot more on the "self discovery" arc of the characters which is really good? Like because the romance happens so soon the rest of the episodes are about the characters as their own and honestly? Sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad

Like the self discovery in We are? Amazing

In My boo? Eeeeeh...

Now for the series i'm watching

Airing: We are and My boo

We are grew on me

At the beginning I did not like it but it was still something simple and sweet to watch after a bad day in uni but now... Damn Cain I'm getting attached to these idiots

It's truly a lovely story about friendship and simple love that even if stereotypical it's still very very good because it's ""real"""? If it makes sense? I'm currently writing a LONG review about it that when I remember how to write properly I will publish (oh yeah btw I also started posting small reviews)

My boo is... Something

It exist, it's sweet but the main couple is that type of sweet that it becomes annoying after a while

Honestly I'm here for the side couple

ALSO IT'S SO WEIRD?!? Because it's clear that GMMTV put a LOT of money into this but it's still??? Mediocre??? Man idk let's see how it ends

Finished

I've just finished Mama gogo and I really liked it! It has its ups and downs but it's still a very funny and sweet series so 8.5 lovely IT COULD have given me more but in 12 it did what it could

23.5 made me incredibly mad but it's still a good GL to start with for GMMTV and that's all I'm going to say

Currently watching

CAIN BE MY FAVOURITE IS GOOD?!? WHAT

Girl I remember watching it while it was airing: I dropped after 3 episodes

But then! Like 3 days ago I was like "y'know I miss Krist (phrase never said by anyone, I know but listen) let me see what people think of "be my favorite"... BOOM 8 on MDL

So I thought "okay let's give it another go..."

Best

Decision

Ever

Cain truly I'm at ep 7 and I'm so fucking intrigued

It's so nice and different?!?! Why no one talks about it!!! Plus Gawin

My MAN

That man was written and made for women he is SUCH A GOOD ACTOR JESUS

Anyway sorry for the long ass ask but everytime I get back into this fixation my first thought is "let me message Cain"

I hope you are doing well!!!!

- Randy✨

Update from my last ask (sempre Randy✨) Girl i Be my favorite was so fucking good man Not going to spoil anything but if you liked "He's coming to me" I would 100% recommend this show Truly a 10/10

Hello Randy!!!

Thank you for thinking of me when watching Thai shows and then sending me whole novels, WOW!!!!

Also sorry for replying late, I wanted to take proper time and work has been slightly exhausting ^^° still, thank you so much for all your words!

It's really fascinating because AHHHHHHH MAMA GOGO! I really love the show so much with all the characters and arcs and growth and little stories and tropes. Right up my alley XD

I have neither watched We are nor My Boo so far, so I can't say anything about it but I'm happy you are enjoying We are a lot =^^= it's on my potential watch list, albeit not up high, which is mostly because I am currently brain rotten about Wandee and At 25:00 in Akasaka XD

I started 23.5 degrees but was slightly discouraged by the catfishing at the beginning, so I stopped for a while. When the show basically vanished from my dash towards the final, I was already wondering what went wrong, and I now suppose a lot did? Tbh I have been enjoying the Japanese GLs more than the Thai ones so far, but there's so many coming out soon and currently, I will find the ones for me =^^=

Regarding Be My Favourite, I'm happy you enjoyed it so much <3 it was THE talk when it aired, but too many shows make it impossible for most shows to stick. I know a lot of people who really liked it actually ^^ I did, too, for several episodes. Sadly, it used a trope I really can't endure and my interest dropped, so I dropped the show in the middle. Might continue one day or not, but my interest kinda vanished ^^° which is okay, can't be for everyone but I know lots of people who had their fun and that's nice =^^=

Anygay, hope you continue to have all the fun and joy with the shows and that enough slow burn will get produced for you :D I do enjoy a good slow burn, too, but I also LOVE when a couple is interested early on and they keep the dynamic and tension till later like in Wandee.

What luck that we have so many shows to choose from now :D

Take care and stay safe and healthy. I wish you the best and a wonderful day (with lots of Gawin-feels!) <3

[multi-everything7]

Ok so this is a short Lucifer, Supernatural and Good Omens crossover I wrote. 

Should I make this into a whole fic and post on ao3? 

------

They did it. Armageddon didn’t happen. Adam stopped it. 

A loud crack sounded from behind them. 

“No. This can’t be right. I swear I threw her into an empty universe.” a tall, dark haired brit said.

“Lucifer! Slow down!” a woman called after him.

The brit in the expensive suit didn’t listen to her.

“Lucifer!” she yelled. 

“I’m just going to ask them something, relax.” he called as he turned around and walked backwards, still heading to the group.

The woman suddenly disappeared and reappeared a few feet in front of him as he turned back around. 

“I’m just saying we should be careful. I mean, you’re you, a lot of universes are very wary and untrusting of you.” 

“As they should be. I’m the devil after all.” 

“Yeah, but you’re still a lot nicer than most versions of you.”

“Lucifer?” came a confused voice. 

“Indeed. I need to speak to your god. It’s urgent.” he said with that signature smile.

“I can feel mom's presence here. She created this world.”

“Eden. That’s impossible. She could create, but she wasn’t strong enough to create all this.”

“I’m the First Creation you little shit. I was the first thing she and dad created. I’ve known her for billions of years longer than you have, I know her presence and this is it. All this is hers.”

“Hey. You’re an angel. Go upstairs and tell your god it's urgent and that we need to meet with her.”

“I’m not just an angel. I’m Gabriel, and I’m not taking orders from you.”

The two looked at him with a slightly disgusted look.

“You’re Gabriel?” Lucifer judged.

“Suddenly I’m glad our Gabriel is how he is. Damn, you look like you have a whole tree up your ass. Relax dude.” Eden spoke.

“Lucifer? Eden?” a voice boomed. It was her. A ray of light shone brightly and a woman stepped out.

“Mom.” Eden smiled at the familiar face. “Still hanging on to Charlotte's face I see.”

“What can I say? She was a stunning lady.” she smiled. “Now what are you two doing here? I never thought I’d see you two again.”

“Dad’s destroying the multiverse.”

“What.”

“He’s wiping the slate clean. Everything he’s created that still exists is being destroyed.”

“He didn’t create this world. I did.”

“He created the empty universe we threw you into. You just created everything inside it.”

“He has no right to destroy my masterpiece!”

“Oh I think I do.” a new voice came.

“You.” 

“Honey, I’m home.”

“What on earth has gotten into you?”

“I grew bored. I’m going to start a new project, I just need to wipe the slate clean first.”

“Just because you’re angry that two random people managed to get free of your narrative doesn’t mean that you have to erase every single universe.”

“I made a mistake giving humans free will.”

“Hey Chuck!” another voice came. The new arrivals were a blond, young man and two taller older men.

“You really are a pain in the ass aren’t you?”

“It’s what we are best at apparently. Why don’t you take a hit at us before you un-create us. It’s us you hate.” the shortest to the two older men tempted.

“You know. That’s a good idea.” Chuck said and then started throwing punches at them. 

Eden gasped. “That’s brilliant.”

“What?” Charlotte asked.

“Look at Jack.” Said boy's eyes were glowing gold as he absorbed the godly energy Chuck released as he beat the brothers to a pulp. 

“Who is that boy?” 

“My son apparently. My monster was released from its cage and impregnated some poor woman. Since the monster has a part of my grace, the boy is technically mine.”

“How old is he?”

“Three.”

“A three year old nephilim is going to be your new god? Are you crazy?”

“I’ll guide him, and take over if he wishes to be with his family, after we fix what’s left of heaven. There’s been a civil war for the last five years. There are only seven angels left in the whole of heaven.”

“What? Where was he?”

“Gone. He has been missing for millions of years. He only decided to show up again because we released The Darkness.”

“Amara is free? Why hasn’t she destroyed everything?”

“She tried, but then they made up for a while, and then she moved on, decided to take a vacation and enjoy what humanity has to offer. He became jealous and angry.”

They watched as Chuck turned to face the young nephilim. He looked him straight in the eyes as he snapped his fingers. His dark expression turned into terror as nothing happened as he tried again and again. The glowing eyes of the boy suddenly looked terrifying. The boy grabbed Chuck’s head and absorbed the rest of his powers.

“Nephilims are powerful, but not this powerful. How is he able to do this?”

“He died, but we managed to rip him out of The Empty, not without consequence though.”

“What’s his name?”

“Jack.” Lucifer smiled softly.

“You seem changed Luci. You’re not hateful and angry anymore.”

“I know. I met someone. She changed me, and helped me find my purpose again.”

“Oh really?”

“A detective. His detective as he keeps saying.”

“I realized that I’m going to help souls move on. I’m not going to torture souls anymore. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Wow! You really have changed. I’m so happy for you.”

The two bloody, beaten up brothers limped over to them.

“Hey. Let me.” Eden spoke and touched their foreheads, healing them.

“Thanks.” Sam smiled. “Hey Charlotte.”

“Hello boys.”

“What are we doing with him?” Dean asked, nodding towards the whimpering Chuck on the ground.

“I’ll have him here. Out of your way and out of your universe. It’s clear you have a lot of rebuilding to do. The last thing you need to be concerned about is him.”

“Almighty?” a shy voice questioned. Charlotte turned around.

“Aziraphale.” she smiled.

“Are-” he swallowed thickly. “Are you angry?”

“Angry?”

“That we stopped Armageddon?”

“No, not at all. I’m proud. Armageddon was a test. A test to see if you would blindly follow orders or question it. Armageddon was never going to happen. The world is perfect as it is, or, well, almost perfect. But I’m not about to destroy the planet to end a feud that probably isn’t going to end anyway. Now that the great test has passed, I’ll be around more. You’re my children after all, I shouldn’t leave you alone.” 

[femboyp1ssdrawer]

Sweet Like Saccharine

Hey! Sorry I have been so inactive I am still working on my other works as well, but this deer-man has simply rotted my brain, so I had to write about him!

This work will have multiple chapters and might contain some smut in later chapters? I haven't decided yet >.< but I hope you enjoy! I tried to keep Alastor as in character as possible, but please lemme know if he needs some improvement! <3

Alastor/GN! Reader

3k words

Multiple chapters :3

It had been the longest day for you consisting of tending to the guests, daily work tasks, and keeping the peace within the hotel. Angel and Husk had been bickering for hours and she had to keep them from tearing into each other.

"Angel! I swear to Satan…" You yelled as her fingers worked soothing circles on her temples in a futile attempt to ease her growing headache.

“What!” Angel spoke in his thick accent as he threw his multiple arms in the air.

“Just leave the damn cat alone!” her voice boomed as she lowered her head down on the bar.

The spider demon raised an eyebrow at her, exchanging looks with Husk before patting her on the shoulder. They seemed to break a silent truce over whatever trivial ordeal they had been fighting about.

“Take it easy, toots.”

With that, he was gone, along with Husk. Lifting your head to watch them walk away Husk offered his hand out for Angel to take. You let out a pleased hum and rested her head once more. Just a few more minutes.

A few minutes turned into an hour.

You slept peacefully until your neck began to ache. You blinked the sleep from your eyes and massaged the back of your neck while letting out a long yawn-

Your undead heart nearly stopped at the sight of crimson hues accompanied by ambient static and a sharp grin.

Nearly falling out of your chair, you grabbed onto the bartop for support. “Alastor, didn’t anyone ever tell you to NOT watch people while they sleep?” you asked rhetorically.

The Radio Demon’s eyes narrowed before he erupted with laughter, a soundtrack boosting his volume.

“Now, now my dear. Don’t flatter yourself. I came to get a simple drink, and you happened to be out cold in the bar like some drunkard.”

You rolled your eyes while adjusting your disheveled hair, “I had a long day, okay?” you bit back while Alastor strode behind the bar. “I can see that, my dear! It appears you require a refreshment.” he beamed and made a show of grabbing liquors and mixing them over the rocks. Everything with him was theatrical.

“Voila.” he slid a glass your way while he hummed, busying himself with making his beverage.

You took the glass carefully, swishing the amber liquor around, not willing to take a sip just yet.

Alastor, still cheerfully humming to himself, sat beside you.

“I didn’t poison it,” he stared at you menacingly, until you reluctantly took a drink, cackling at your contorted expression. “I made it quite strong considering how terrible your day seemed to have been,” he added as he steepled his fingers together, propping his head up.

That was surprisingly thoughtful. As thoughtful as a demon overlord could be.

“T-Thank you, Alastor.” you breathed out while knocking back another swig.

“Ahh- no need to thank me, my dear. Now, do tell me your woes from today.” his grin grew even larger ( if that was even possible.)

You looked up from your drink and sighed. “Minimal issues that a demon like you could care less about.”

Alastor wasn’t satisfied with that answer. What a sadist.

“Now, now don’t put words into my mouth! I’m very interested in your struggles and suffering.” he beamed as you rolled your eyes.

Your fingers clasped the glass while you rubbed at the condensation. “Just a really long day. Nothing went right, I got attacked by that unruly demon for simply existing, talked down to, and had to keep everyone happy all the while. Not to mention the mountain of paperwork I still need to finish, and the icing on the cake is I don’t have a cent to my name.” With your pitiful story finished you rested your head back on the bar while a groan escaped your throat.

Alastor’s expression remained unchanged as he reached a gloved hand over to pat your shoulder. “ There, there dearie-” he said, his voice softer than usual.

“We mustn't focus on the negative. Tomorrow is a new day full of countless opportunities,” he spoke confidently, attempting to uplift your spirits. He then paused as he felt your shoulders shake beneath his grasp, causing his brow to furrow.

You lifted your head to meet his gaze, and that’s when he noticed the tears streaming down your cheeks.

Oh, bother.

“No need for the tears, darling.” he chided with his hand awkwardly patting your shoulder. It was the equivalent of being comforted by a brick wall. He wasn’t very emotionally adept.

You sniffled meekly and rubbed at her reddened eyes while hiccups wracked your body.

“Oh no, no, no this simply won’t do.” he retrieved a handkerchief from his breast pocket and began to dab at the tears.

“I’m sorry, Al-” you spoke in between your sobs and hiccups. It came out as a jumbled mess.

“It’s quite alright, my dear.” he tried to sound soothing, but his voice was staticky and wavered, showing his true emotions that he hid behind that cursed smile.

You gingerly took the cloth from him and wiped your tears away with a nervous laugh.

“Oh gosh- I’m a mess,” you said followed by a dry laugh.

You waited for some quip from the deer man, but one didn’t come. Instead, he extended his hand out to you, “Care to follow me?” he asked softly.

You hesitated for a moment, but caved and placed your hand in his, letting him drag you through the hallways of the hotel. Admiring all of the paintings and gothic architecture until they reached a pair of large doors with countless intricate carvings and designs.

Alastor smoothed his suit out as he cleared his throat and opened the doors in a grand display watching your eyes widen. He strode past you with grace into the labyrinth of a library, it had to be the biggest one you had seen, with more books than you could even imagine.

You stood breathlessly as Alastor retrieved a thick book from the shelf and sat himself down on the velvet couch. “Come my dear.” he patted the spot beside him and watched you with an expectant look. You carefully made your way over and sat down beside him.

“This is where I usually come to clear my head and escape from my thoughts,” Alastor spoke as his voice rumbled deeply in his chest.

You listened with wide eyes and couldn’t help but smile at the gesture.

“Thank you,” you whispered and watched him dive into his book without a second thought.

A comfortable silence fell upon them besides the slight hum that emitted from the demon that sounded similar to a radio attempting to find a channel. It was a comforting sound as it slowly began to lull you to sleep.

He pried his eyes away from the page when he felt a presence on his shoulder causing his body to stiffen up.

Glancing over he was met with the sight of you leaning against him, peacefully asleep with a light smile gracing your almost angelic features. A muffled small screech came from him as he wracked his brain for a protocol for the situation.

On one hand, he despised being touched, only enjoying touching others, but on the other hand, the warmth radiating from you wasn’t unbearable. His eye twitched as he closed his book, setting it to the side, and decided to indulge in the affection.

Alastor was as stiff as a board as he let you sleep comfortably on his shoulder, his eyes never leaving your face. You looked so peaceful it would be a crime to wake you, and after all, it was better than you sleeping at the bar. He sighed softly and patted your head with the utmost gentleness.

Once he got his fill he slowly slid under you trying not to disturb your slumber. He picked you up bridal style and began the trek to your room while humming a tune to himself.

He pushed the door open and gently laid you down on the bed, searching the room he found a blanket folded over your chair, grabbing it and draping it over your sleeping form.

“Good night, my dear,” he whispered as he went to make his exit. His ear twitched when a groggy voice spoke his name and he froze in place.

“Al..?” You had sat up and rubbed vigorously at your eyes with a large yawn.

“Ahh you’re awake,” he said while adjusting his suit and sitting at the end of the bed.

“I apologize if the bumpy ride woke you,” he said sincerely. You were coming to your senses and took in the room.

“I’m sorry-” you stretched your arms over your head, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep again, and also sorry for breaking down in front of you,” you added with a nervous laugh.

Alastor raised his eyebrow at you before speaking in his velvety voice,” There is no need for apologies, I assure you my dear.” he said while the corner of his lips twitched.

Her fists gripped the sheets below her. You still felt embarrassed for crying in front of the Radio Demon of all people.

A silence fell between them as they exchanged glances.

“If-If it’s asking too much I understand-” You began to speak and Alastor listened intently with a soft hum.“C-Could you stay for a little while?” you asked while fidgeting with your hands in your lap.

Out of all the things he thought you could ask, this was not one of them. “I wish I could stay, I really do my dear, but I have important work to tend to and a hotel to run!” he said, attempting to brush you off, hoping you would drop the topic altogether.

Already feeling like a fish out of water tonight.

“It’s okay,” you whispered while you slipped back under the blankets and pulled a pillow to your chest. “Good night, Alastor.”

Why did he feel this way? Why was there a pang of guilt in his being for declining to stay with you?

He stood, smoothing the wrinkles in his suit out as he took in your form. An internal war was waging inside of them as he weighed the pros and cons of keeping you company. The cons seemed to outweigh the pros, but he disregarded the score as he sat back down on the bed.

You rolled over when you felt the bed dip down and blinked slowly when you saw Alastor’s imposing form. You offered him a small smile and adjusted yourself in the bed.

“Now get some sleep,” he said sternly, trying to regain some of his dignity. You looked at him once more, sitting on the bed while his silhouette danced along the wall. His shadow has a mind of its own.

“One more thing?” you asked softly while she sat up.

Alastor’s expression hardened and he let out a dramatic sigh. “I suppose, what do you request?” he asked, not sure if he wanted to hear your next request.

He already felt out of sorts while trying to navigate his emotions.

“Your ears-” your eyes trailed off to the side as you searched for your confidence, seemingly finding it, “can I touch them?” you forced out and watched Alastor’s reaction.

Hearing a small record screech emit from him.

It wasn’t nearly as taxing as your other requests, but he still relented at first. He viewed his ears and hidden tail as indignant and weak, but he still used them as tools on occasion to charm someone into a deal. He hummed quietly, pondering over your request before relenting once more. You had somehow wiggled your way into his undead heart.

“Fine, I suppose,” he said softly as he leaned his head back for his ears to be reachable.

“Be careful, please. They are quite sensitive.”

You nodded and smiled, reaching your hands out carefully to caress his ears. They were fluffy and velvety as they twitched against her palm. “They are just as soft as I imagined,” you whispered under your breath. He was about to speak up about your imagination when he felt a sensation roll through his body causing him to stiffen up.

“I’m sorry-” you pulled your hands away, blurting out apologies left and right.

Alastor chuckled while he shook his head. “No, no nothing is wrong my dear-” he loosened his muscles up again. Well as loose as they could be, he never could fully relax in anyone’s presence.” Just when you pet my head it reminded me of my mother.” he admitted quietly in a rare moment of vulnerability.

You listened with bated breath.

“She used to pet my head while lulling me to sleep with that alluring voice of hers.” his voice seemed to lose its tune for a moment, his ears flattening atop his head.

However he cleared his throat and brushed the memory off, “But ahh- have I ever made my famous jambalaya for you? It’s my mother’s recipe! It’ll knock your socks off my dear I’m telling you!” he began to ramble on.

You smiled and listened to him while your hand gently petted in between his ears, his soft crimson locks feeling like silk against your palm.

Alastor allowed you to keep petting him but felt his eyes become heavy.

Demons such as himself did not need sleep. He chose not to indulge in the matter even though he very well could. He couldn’t recall the last time he did catch some shut-eye.

He hummed to himself and leaned into your touch catching you by surprise.

A comfortable silence had fallen between them, and you had a sneaking suspicion. You craned your neck to look at his face. He indeed was asleep and with a smile still plastered on his face nonetheless. You weren’t surprised that he still wore one when he was asleep.

You smiled and adjusted yourself to the best of your ability with the deer resting in your lap. Your hands continued to card through his hair while you listened to the soft noises he emitted that paired with the shallow breaths. The radio noises had halted as well.

Smiling to yourself you rested your head against the pillow and began to drift off once more, not being able to fight off the drowsiness any longer.

Something brushed against your nose causing her to dismissively wave it off with your hand and then settle back in to sleep. Until it tickled you once more causing your nose to scrunch up and your eyes to flutter open.

Adjusting to the light beaming through the curtains a flash of red and black appeared in your peripheral. Alastor’s ear had been the culprit. Twitching and flicking against your face as his head remained on your chest. He had shifted slightly in his bout of sleep.

As cliche as it sounded he looked heavenly with the sunlight cascading upon his darkened features. You were busy taking in his beauty when his eyes began to open.

“W-What time is it..” he asked groggily as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes with his palms, his claws would gouge his eyes out if he tried.

‘“Morning..” You answered as you scanned the room for a clock.

Alastor hummed in response as he stood up and began to smooth the wrinkles from his coat.

“I do apologize for falling asleep.” he adjusted his buttons and tried to tame his disheveled locks.

Your brow creased at his words, “You were tired, it’s okay Al.” you said with a smile as you stretched your arms over your head.

Alastor stayed quiet and collected himself, glancing in the mirror to preen his appearance before promptly exiting the room. His mind raced with thoughts of the previous night while he retreated into the shadows.

You watched him leave with a soft sigh, standing up to begin to get ready for the day. Trying to shrug off his reaction. Making your way downstairs to join the others for breakfast.

Alastor was nowhere in sight.

You attempted to hide your disappointment and began to chat with Angel Dust as he showed you pictures of Fat Nuggets.

It was now nearly evening and there had still been no sight of Alastor.

Nobody seemed to notice besides you or rather they couldn't care less what the talk-show host was up to in his tower.

After finishing your daily tasks and helping Charlie with some paperwork you made your way to his broadcasting room. Standing before the large hatch door for a moment before hesitantly knocking.

A few moments of silence passed and just as she was about to turn a sing-song voice rang out.

“Come in.”

You slowly pushed the hatch open and took in the sight of all the equipment and then let your eyes land on his imposing form.

He was sitting before the control table as he tweaked one of the dials and didn’t pay you any mind.

“Alastor.” your voice gave away how anxious she was, and she shifted on each foot while waiting for a response. You were met with a sigh as he finally turned his attention towards you.

“Yes?” his voice was laced with annoyance.

“I’m sorry for interrupting you, I know you’re-” you gestured to his control panel, “But I wanted to make sure you were alright since you hadn’t made an appearance all day.” you finished as your eyes darted away from his intense gaze.

“I’m quite alright darling, no need to worry for me. I’m an overlord for hell-sake,” he said with a dry laugh that was followed by the usual laugh track. His face lacked any genuine amusement while his smile twitched.

“Right right,” you muttered and wrung your hands together.

“Is there anything else?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. His expression screams to not trifle with him.

You shook your head and whispered a quiet, “No.” as you turned to leave.

Alastor did not pay any mind to you while he continued his prep for his broadcast. Nonchalantly waving you off with, "Toodles, dear." it lacked his normal joyful tone, however.

You retreated to your room needing a breather after such a tense and awkward conversation. Deep down you knew that Alastor most likely regretted last night, and never wanted to speak of it again, but still, you couldn’t help but feel your heart snap in two.

[georgiapeach30513]

Hi Peach! Mrs. Pasta checking in <3

Oh silly silly Justin Timberlake. You know, I grew up with NSYNC and always for some reason did not like JT. All the girls in my grade were obsessed with him but I was actually team JC.

I don't care enough about the man to have any hate for him but I do think...his ego clearly cannot deal and it's finally catching up to him though it should have caught up back when he left Janet Jackson out to dry all those years ago. She was embarrassed and disgraced and he got to go on and be Mr. Sexyback. I'm glad BRITNEY of all people gets to serve him his humble pie. YAS Queen!

Sidenote: Jessica Biel Timberlake. I used to watch this woman in her prime during 7th Heaven and then her solo movie career days. Ironically I never knew she dated Ramen for that long but she was THEE It girl back then. Wow. And now....damn. She must really love this noodle haired nasal voiced man child that much to be still up his ass after all that's happened. Anyone remember the Alisha Wainwright drama? Ride or die I guess...SMH

Lastly, I'm actually really glad Ramen eventually got famous on his own and without the help from his much more famous gf at the time. GOOD for him! It took him quite some time because my first ideation of him was in 2004 in FF and then I forgot he existed until 2019. And then boom - he was suddenly everywhere. For someone who did not follow the MCU - he never really made it on my radar so even though I was always aware he played Cap I continuously forgot about him. Sorry Ramen! I was actually surprised he appeared to blow up after he stopped being Steve - for the general public. Between 2019-2022 it was something else. That and counting his own (at the time) extremely passionate fanbase, it really felt cool to see someone come up this far. A friend of mine actually mentioned last year "he got so much hotter now, way more than he used to be." I feel like he's a late bloomer in Hollywood terms. Contrary to some naysayers and "tarot readers" I don't think a resurgence is out of the question. And I DO hope he gets more work.

I wish him - and you and your followers - the best! Stay safe y'all!

Hey, Mrs. Pasta! Glad you ventured back here.

I gotta tell you, I’m tired of Mr. JT. I was a huge NSYNC fan and he was my top favorite. That shine faded quickly after his debut album, and with the second album he was still singing about what Britney did. That man has just always wanted attention and he didn’t mind which woman he stepped on as a rung on that ladder.

As far as top Ramen goes, we know he can act and act well and get praise outside of Marvel, Knives Out. But it’s a shame to see him deduced to a meathead action star and a husband that never smiles unless he’s alone. But I digress, that’s neither here nor there. It was refreshing to see him laugh, be goofy, and even walk with his head held high with politicians, even the President. Guess he wasn’t too afraid of meanies to meet with fans.

I’m very happy about Honey Don’t, and I’m excited to see what else is in store for him. I have a feeling he’s going to have a very busy year. And he started off January with a movie announcement and working back with ASP. It’s good to see him in his element and not to see him so stern or miserable.

[scully-loves-ruthie]

Fictober Day 19

Prompt: Do we have a deal

Fandom: The X-Files

          Sweat pooled at the top of the rag that came ripping out of Scully’s mouth, the dried blood dampened causing a stale iron scent to eek it’s way up her nose.  She shifted her wrist unsuccessfully against the harsh rope that bound them.  She could feel the brush burns begging to form deeper cuts sure to scar.

          “Don’t, don’t do it Mulder!”  Her voice was desperate bordering on unhinged.  She blew her hair out of her face shaking it back to get a better look at him.  He was equally bound his gag also removed.  The main difference being the gun pointed directly at his right temple.

          They’d been tracking Karnov for 2 months when they really hit a hot streak and chased him down to the middle of nowhere New Hampshire.  He’s been sacrificing people to tempt his previous alien abductors back.  Turned out one ride on the silver saucer of terror wasn’t enough, he was just dying to get a fresh implant.  Problem was no aliens had returned to take him home as he so graciously put it.   

          However you want to look at Karnov was abducting people, men, women, it didn’t matter.  He’d take them back to a bunker where he had constructed a large silver saucer, strap his captors to it then slice their guts open, all while chanting something he swore the aliens told him on the ship.  He’d managed to rack up 6 victims.  He was on the hunt for number 7 when they got here.  Somehow Karnov got the jump on them, and now they sit bloodied and bound in the basement of a madman.

          “Do we have a deal Agent Mulder?”  Karnov asked calmly the gun pressing a millimeter deeper into his temple.

          “If I go with you, you’ll let her go?”  Mulder’s voice was booming, echoing off the damp walls.

          “I’ll let her go.  I only need one of you.  This is the last one.  Seven souls for seven sons, just liked they asked.  Then they’ll take me back!  I know it!  This time they’re coming!”  His voice grew louder with the fervor of a damned man bartering out his last few minutes on earth.

          “Mulder do not do this!”  the ache in Scully’s voice was masked only by the way she commanded him.

          “Throw her the knife and let’s go!”  Mulder struggled against Karnov and his bindings to no avail.  He sacked Mulder hard in the gut, the air fell out of him, a death rattle.

          “You gotta get out of her Scully.”  I know you can!  Just go!”  His voice a scratchy murmur against his gasps for air as Karnov dragged him away.  He tossed Scully a small hunting knife, even with a blade this size it would take her at least an hour to cut herself free.  She could only pray it would take them longer to reach his alter.

@fictober-event @xffictober2022 @today-in-fic

[wallacejwriting]

As I work on Farsiders I've been coming up with a lot of background scenes that need to be filled in before the story proper begins.

This is one of them.

Shahin is one of the biggest characters in Farsiders and I think this is a really good way to introduce him. Hopefully you agree. Feedback welcome!

If you wanna be tagged please let me know.

WC: 2,450~ words

CW for: violence, vomit, addiction, infection, referenced child harm

6 Years Ago: Shahin

Ten years and an economic boom later and Underside was just as much of a dark, damp shit hole as it’d always been. Shahin stood on the floating docks and breathed deeply, eyes closed. Sweat, sewage, sky whale, and the coppery tinge of old money changing dirty hands. That hadn’t changed, either.

The stench of Underside had long faded from his clothes, but now he welcomed its return. For all the topside apartments, airship suites, and grimy street level inns he’d been in over the last decade, nothing brought him closer to his goal than this stench. He’d have to embrace it, if he wanted to get anywhere,

Behind him, beneath him, the open sky beckoned. Too late in the night to see that far down, but clouds hung about the lower docks, making lonely flags out of ship sails. The mists rolled in, thick and heavy, off the clouds. Dock workers called out anchor warnings. Visibility was too low to try anything else.

He’d gotten here just in time.

Shahin drummed his fingers across the carved wooden handle of his cane and struck off into the city. It tapped against the uneven, natural stone of the ground. The tapping grew louder as the noise of the docks fell away.

Oil lamps hung about the dingy buildings and grime older than he was clung to everything, painting the whole place in shades of brown and grey. The people were better, their clothes newer than they’d been, before, and the prostheses he saw gave him brief pause.

Metalwork, elegant even in its crudeness, and the soft glow of an artifice engine. It appeared Artifice Tech had made its way to Underside, as well. Cheap enough, available enough, that these people, some of them far smaller than Shahin, displayed the telltale glow with no more fear than displaying one’s nose.

Interesting.

Shahin leaned heavily on his cane as he studied the storefronts on the narrow corner. The sound of water splashing into a basin sounded rhythmically. One of the drains from Topside. Sewage or rainwater? Or maybe this one was both.

Hard to tell when the smell was already so strong. He grimaced and fought the urge to cover his mouth with one of his gloves. It’d take time to readjust to the smells. He’d been gone from Tairkyda for ten years, and from Underside for much longer. But it was part of him. Once it sank into his skin he’d smell it no more than he smelled himself.

Treasure’s, the sign above him beckoned. Spelling error or purposeful? Half of Underside was illiterate, at best, and being literate didn’t mean educated.

“Hey, outsider.” A man half his age swayed up to him, the telltale pockmarks of Glyss injections littered the bare lower halves of his arms. Shahin wrinkled his nose. Of course Glyss was here, too. It’d be too much to ask there was one damn island it hadn’t ruined.

“What’re you looking at, old man?” The man lifted his chin at Shahin.

Riffraff. He’d been too distracted in his contemplating to notice his approach.

Something to adjust for the future. Nostalgia was a nasty blinder.

“What do you want?” asked Shahin, voice flat. The man, more of a boy, really, started. Acknowledgement or the lack of accent? Hard to tell with these pale, straw haired boys. They were all as cruel as harpies and half as intelligent. Clawing, reedy little thieves the world would be better off without.

“You look like you should be Topside,” said a second boy, this one with concave cheeks like they’d been punched too many times to heal. “What’chu doing down here?”

“Who cares what he’s doing?” said a third boy. He came from behind Shahin.

Damn it. How had he let them surround him? Too out of practice. The last few months hadn’t done him any favours.

“Hand over your shit, old man, and we won’t fuck you up too bad,” said the first boy.

That was a terrible threat. Brutal, ineffective, and encouraged nothing but trembling and blind panic.

“I’ll pass,” said Shahin. He cast his glance back to the shop sign. “Do any of you know who’s in charge down here, these days?”

When he’d left Underside, it’d been the Old Maid. She’d been a cruel woman.

When he’d died, Underside had been at war with itself, two small groups battling for control.

“What do you mean you pass?” said the third boy. “You can’t do that.”

Shahin sighed. They were going to make him get violent, weren’t they? He’d hoped to avoid that until he had secured a shower. Or more than a single change of clothing.

He doubted any of the three could point him toward a laundry.

“And what, you think you can stop me?” asked Shahin, raising an eyebrow. He tucked his cane under one arm and adjusted his gloves. Black leather. Worn. Supple. A gift from Luthor and one he took great care of.

He sighed.

“I don’t have time for this.”

“Yeah, well, too bad,” said the first boy. He launched himself at Shahin in the clumsy, jerky motions of advanced Glyss addiction. Ugh. This was going to be messy.

Shahin side-stepped him, dropped the cane back to his good hand and swung it upward into the boy’s gut. The boy gasped and fell to his knees, spitting. The neon pink of Glyss vomit splattered onto the dirty stone.

He’d be dead in a week, no matter what Shahin did to him.

“You’re out of your league, boy,” said Shahin. “Stand down, before you get hurt.” The latter he directed to the two still standing. Around them, people kept walking. Most kept their heads down. A few stared. But no one slowed. Not to watch and certainly not to interfere.

They never had.

Shahin’s grip tightened on his cane.

“Like depths I will,” snapped the boy. He staggered to his feet, arm wrapped around his middle, and sneered at Shahin. His companions flanked him. “You’re gonna gimme your shit and then I’m gonna pound you for doing that. Fucking asshole.”

Shahin narrowed his eyes and scowled.

The boys moved. Shahin moved faster.

He moved between them as the mists flowed through the docks. His cane came down on their bones over and over, the sharp snaps telling him when to move on. He did not blink. He barely breathed. He simply struck.

In seconds, the three were on the ground, broken, bleeding, and probably dying faster than before.

Not his problem.

Shahin straightened his jacket and his gloves before settling both hands on his cane.

“I do not like repeating myself, boys,” said Shahin, staring down at them, coolly. “Tell me, who is in charge of Underside?”

No one spoke.

Shahin lifted his cane and smashed the end down over a knee. The boy screamed and bucked.

“Answer me.”

The boy whimpered. “Baqir. His name’s Baqir.”

A Fiyyad name. Interesting. From where, though? Ghiti? Alubi? Baqu? Each came with its own rules and culture, and whichever was the answer could mean changing his tactics. Another thing to consider.

“Where is he?” asked Shahin.

The boy swallowed, working around something in his mouth. Probably a tooth. Shahin had caught him the face at least once.

“He’s got a bar, in the Haze, it’s—it’s down, all the way, and on north side.”

A king in the dungeon rather than the castle? His intrigue grew.

“Well done, boys,” said Shahin. He stepped back, settling his weight until his leg didn’t pain as badly. He turned and started off, only to stop when one of the boys called out.

“What are you going to do with us?” asked one of the boys.

Shahin tilted his head but didn’t turn back. “Why would I do anything?” he asked. “You’re already dying.”

He moved through the streets, leaning more heavily on his cane than before. The pain in his right leg burned from heel to hip, and the pain radiated out into his hip and up his lower back. His shoulder was starting, too, and it’d turn his nerves to fire soon enough. He squinted, closing his bad eye more than his good, and looked for a place to stay for the night.

Baqir wasn’t going anywhere. Shahin needed more information, first.

Like how a Fiyyad man was running Underside. A refugee with an army? A rich man who stepped on skulls to get here? Someone with connections and spies? What sort of leader was Baqir and where had he come from?

Had to be a Fiyyad. Anyone else and Shahin wouldn’t have worried too much, but this was one of his people.

They were a clever lot.

He pondered his next step as he moved through the streets. It would do well to memorize the layouts as soon as possible. Didn’t need people thinking he was an outsider a second time.

The back alleys of Underside had changed since he’d last walked them. Back pathways and stone and dirt trails left him moving in circles, staring endlessly up at the stacked buildings that spiralled toward the ceiling of this level of Underside.

Too much time looking at the ceiling left him stumbling around more than one pile of garbage, and he only narrowly avoided tripping over a particularly foul smelling pile.

He moved around the garbage— wait. Noise. Crying? Garbage didn’t cry.

He turned. In the garbage, tucked beside the stacks of old wood and piles of waste, was a small child. She wore a dirty smock whose original colour was impossible to tell beneath the dirt and grime. Her hair, matted and knotted, billowed around her ears and neck.

Shahin took a step forward.

Her skin was almost the same brown his was, from the clean spots he could spy. A warm hued umber that looked sickly in the dark and godly in the sun. But she’d probably never seen her skin in the sunlight. Probably never stood under any sunlight at all. Maybe cast off from the docks, if she could sneak close enough.

He took another step forward.

She had her arms wrapped around risen knees. Bruises, scraps, and cuts littered her skin. She’d been beaten, recently. His stomach flipped. How badly? And why? For food, most likely. She’d go hungry often, at that size, which just made it worse. He’d been beaten for scraps more times than he could count.

Another step forward.

Only one hand. He hadn’t noticed until he’d gotten so close, but her left arm ended in a stump. A swollen, badly wrapped one that was discoloured with blood and infection. Streaks of blood poisoning wound up her arm, stopping near the elbow.

Just the hand gone, then. Clipped just below the wrist, by his best guess.

The next step left him in front of the crying girl.

His stomach churned. The smell of running sewage burned the hairs from his nose.

She was dying. Blood poisoning was fatal without intervention. Intervention was expensive. Requiring not just money, but connections.

Shahin’s coins weighed heavy in the inner pocket of his jacket.

She’d be dead in a few weeks, maybe a month.

He crouched in front of her.

“Hello,” said Shahin, softly.

The girl raised her head just enough to stare at him over her knees. Her eyes were a deep, vivid brown so dark they were almost black in the shadow. Nothing else penetrated them, just that solid colour.

And they were filled with such sorrow, such fear, that Shahin forgot to breathe.

When his chest began to ache, Shahin forced himself to inhale. He reached into his pocket and pulled his snack from it.

The girl flinched when he held his hand out to her. He grimaced.

“It’s jerky,” he said, opening his hand. “Turkey.” As if she’d care what meat it was, as long as it wasn’t human.

She stared at it, but didn’t move.

Shahin lifted it and tore a piece off with his teeth, chewing and swallowing while he held it back out to her. She watched until he swallowed, traced the bob of his throat, then snatched the jerky from his hands and tore into it with the half feral nature of a starving child.

She couldn’t be more than five years old. Maybe a little older, if she was as starved as he thought. Maybe younger. How had she lost the hand? Infection from a cut? Rift Rot? Who had done it, and why leave her alone afterwards?

He swallowed. His leg ached from crouching for so long.

For just a moment, he saw himself in her place. A child of perhaps eight years old, alone, dirty, and terrified. He’d spent a lot of time curled up in the garbage, too.

No one had ever stopped for him.

“What’s your name?” asked Shahin. He shifted, kneeling on his good leg and propping his arm up with his cane. “Mine is Shahin.”

She stared at him, eyes big and dark and full of horrors she never should have seen.

“Padma.” Her voice was two pieces of paper whispering across one another.

He didn’t recognize the origin. A little girl floating in a sea of garbage, not even a culture he could anchor her to.

Shahin extended his hand.

“I’ve been away from Underside for some time,” he said. “I need someone to show me around, to help me get my bearings. Would you be that person for me?”

She furrowed her brow at him.

Shahin swallowed. “I’ll pay you with food, a place to sleep, and clothing.”

“Will you like me?” she whispered.

Shahin blinked. “Pardon?”

“Will you like me? If you… if you take care of me, will you like me?”

Shahin’s eyes burned. No doubt from the stench. He cleared his throat and blinked, hard, several times.

“Yes. I promise to like you very much.”

She took his hand. “Okay. I’ll come with you.”

He stood, holding her little hand in one of his and gripped his cane in the other.

“Now then, why don’t you show me where we can find a room to sleep in?” asked Shahin. He smiled down at Padma. “I have money,” he whispered. “Take me to the fanciest place you know.”

Her eyes lit up and she pulled him, quicker than he thought she could, down the street.

He’d find a doctor for her infection right after. Then he’d get her some shoes, and some clothes. Do something about her poor hair.

Then, he’d see about finding Baqir.

Baqu wasn’t built in a day, after all, and not even Farsiders could tear it down in one.

[sekhisadventures]

Grimo's Invention Scrapbook

To a goblin a ‘scrapbook’ has a different meaning. In this instance its inventions he had to scrap, figuratively or literally, due to them not working as intended, working too well as intended, or leaving too big a body count to be explained away with a shrug, a few bribes, and a halfhearted ‘whups?’

Wind Up Smiley Boom-Boom

A large round ball with a big grin painted on it’s front, four mechanical spider-like legs, and a hole for a winding key in the back. It smells strongly of gunpowder.

“Right okay, so when Bilgewater first joined up with the Horde a lotta the orcs were kinda… iffy… on us. Sure they knew Gazlowe and they figured he was okay, but goblins had a bit of a rep for… well… stuffs.”

“So I figures ‘hey, get ‘em while they’re young’ right? Get the kids to like ya and you’ve got it made, so I gave toymaking a whirl! Smiley Boom-Boom, your happy bomb friend! Wind him up and have explosive fun for hours and hours!”

“Gave one to the orphans over in the Orgrimmar Drag JUST ONE AS A FREE SAMPLE MIND YOU and they wound it up and… well… the thing went great! Exactly as I designed it! It jumped up, laughed just right, then ran out of the orphanage, down to the outfitter’s shop, sang the countdown song and… well… that’s where I thought maybe I shouldn’t have made them actually able to… um… explode.”

“Ho-lee shit Garrosh was pissed! Had to go hide out in Bilgewater Harbor until the heat was off and sold the rest to the Gob Squad after I removed their voiceboxes. At least they did well as military ordinance against those Naga that kept getting up our asses in Azshara.”

Grimo’s Grabyango

A bottle of some green bubbling liquid. Occasionally it shakes violently. Smells strongly of plants and something acidic.

“So, engineering wasn’t working out for a bit during the whole Pandaria mess, so I figured that we gobbos got our start with good ol’ Kaja Cola right? Well the recipe hadn’t really been updated in ages, so why not try mixing up some stuff, give it to a peon, and see what happens?”

“I used Kaja Cola as the base and mixed in… eh, gimme a sec, lemme dig my notes out… yeah here we go. Two cups basilisk venom, a handful of goldthorn pulp, spirit residue I picked up near Kharazan that time, pinch of sugar, and supercharged the whole thing with some bottled arcane energy that fell off a cart heading outta Silvermoon.”

“Now THAT one Garrosh really liked… at first. Gave it to some thirsty peon at the northern gates of Orgrimmar and he grew about thirty feet tall and started smashing the shit outta the Night Elves that had been attacking us for cuttin’ down their damn trees. Oooooh yeah that got the big man sittin’ up and taking notice! … right up until the peon looked at him. Turns out that as a side effect he couldn’t really tell one small screamy squishy thing from another and… er… well, we kinda had to… kill him… after he killed a bunch of grunts, and smashed five shredders, and almost got Garrosh himself until he chopped the peon’s arm off with Gorehowl. Yeaaaaaaah, I had to go hide out in Bilgewater Harbor again.”

Titanstrike, New and Improved!

The rifle Titanstrike, originally made by the titan keeper Mimiron. It lost it’s power after being used to neutralize the fel poison of Sargeras’ Sword, but this version has several additions including an external power source, a new scope, and such. The barrel has several large scorch marks.

“Oh maaaaaaaaaan I can’t believe they wasted this beauty on that huge freakin’ sword stickin’ outta Sithilus! This gun was a masterpiece of engineering, even if a giant robot gnome made it! After that though it was a piece of scrap that I couldn’t even get to fire half the time… godsdamn tragedy I tells ya…”

“Well fuck that! I’m an engineer AND a goblin! If I can’t fix it, nobody can! … welp, I guess nobody can. I… well… hired someone to acquire it from the bank vault of the former owner, then I tried adding a new power source by draining the energy from storm elementals using this mote extractor doohickey I got off the auction house and stickin’ ‘em in a Tesla ball, put one of my own specialized scopes on it, and wired the whole thing up into a lightning rifle!”

“Yeah, um, it worked a bit too well actually. I pulled the trigger and the kickback blew me right through the wall and into the air! Sent me all over Orgrimmar anchored to the ground by a continuous blast of lightning coming from the barrel!”

“There I am about sixty feet in the air screamin’ blue murder while a seemingly endless stream of electricity tears holy shit outta the ground and buildings as I pass over ‘em, everyone below me freaking out and running for cover. As I pass Warsong Hold Sylvannas even comes out to find out what’s making all the racket only for her guards to shove her back inside and dive in after her right as the bolt tears up where they were standing. Good reflexes boys, ya deserve a raise.”

“Well, finally the power source DID run out and I… well… I was up in the air supported by fuck all. I tried to use my glider cloak to get to safety and wound up stuck on one of the spires at the city gates. Sylvannas had gotten out of the Hold at this point and she and Nathanos wanted to ask me some really uncomfortable questions about the gun… and then Nitika came up the stairs with Mola’ruam and… well shit if you think Sylvannas was pissed… Whoof…”

Fourth Wall Breaker

A strange device that, when it worked, looked like a sort of oversized television set with lots of extra dials and multiple antennas sticking out of it. It now looks like an oversized soda can that was crushed by a tauren, judging by the huge hoofprint on it.

“Okay, so our newest recruit is this Mag’har girl named Galdia right? Well, she’s always in a mood because she can’t go home to Draenor ‘cause of the whole time/space thing and normally I’d just tell her to get the fel over it but… well, she’s an orc and a warrior. They get over stuff by cuttin’ off heads. Kinda attached to mine ya see.”

“So, I figure fuck, if the gnomes can warp reality by accident it can’t be THAT hard, right? I (ahem) appropriate some gnome dimensional tech and get to work improving it. Few extra dials here, the recharged power source from my improved Titanstrike, couple extra (this baby needed a lotta juice,) a specialized communications array I ‘borrowed’ from some Draenei, then I flipped it on and gave it a go.”

“The screen flickered for a moment, then all of a sudden I’m lookin’ at this human chick… except she’s lookin’, well, a little too real. Glasses, ponytail, sitting in a big comfy chair, and she looks like she just saw a ghost. Well, we stare… then she screams, then I scream, then we both scream, then Nitika walks in and says ‘hey Grimo, there’s a cart outside sellin’ ice crea- WHAT THE FEL DID YOU DO?!’ and Mola’raum hears her and runs in too, then all four of us are screaming.”

“Now, see, I figure I musta made it TOO powerful and accidentally tuned into a higher plane of reality somehow. I figure I can modify it so that doesn’t happen again but its kinda hard to explain that in the heat of the moment… I try to switch it off ‘n tell them but Mola’raum and Nitika just nod to each other, then Mola grabs me ‘n holds me in a full nelson while Nitika kicks the invention over and stomps the crap out of it until the sparks stop! No respect for technology I tells ya…”

The SantaShredder 5000

A Sky Golem built during the War in Pandaria, repurposed as a holiday spokesman in order to bullshit the people of Orgrimmar out of their hard earned coin spread mirth and holiday cheer for a reasonable price!

"Okaaaaaaaaay, so this was a more... recent incident. For the longest time I used this Skyshredder to get around y'see... but I wanted somethin' I could stretch out in on long trips, so after we got some cash in the Shadowlands I invested in a Xiwyllag ATV and put the shredder in storage."

"Then back last Winter's Veil I had this great idea! Greatfather Winter is a big scam right? Get your kid's S.E.L.F.I.E. taken with Jolly Ol' Winter (for a fee) and have 'em give the old man their holiday wishes! Well, the orc that they normally had doin' it in Orgrimmar came down with the flu, so I got my shredder outta storage, painted it red, stuck a fake beard on it, and reprogrammed it for the whole 'Ho Ho Ho' schtick!"

"Worked great at first, some people thought it was fuckin' hilarious... then this mag'har kid shows up... ugh... thats where it all went fuckin' pear shaped. SantaShredder asked the kid what they wanted for Winter's Veil, and they said they wanted their parents to be able ta see feckin' Draenor again!"

"Now... I wanted realism right? I gave it the ability to calculate how likely a wish was able to be granted. Most kids? Easy as fuck! They wanted toys, pets, that kinda garbage... but a portal to another world in another timeline?! Odds were so low that the fucker COULDN'T calculate it, but it had to try!"

"I'm counting the take as I suddenly smell hot copper, then the kid screams and runs away as the Shredder starts shootin' sparks everywhere! It blew half it's fuses, fried it's punch card reader, spontaneously deleted the concept of 'Nice' I programmed it with, defaulted to 'Naughty' for everyone in range, and hit an 'out of coal' error... which made it reset to it's original Shredder programming..."

"Er... its original programming was 'kill the fuck outta everyone it saw as a threat.' In this case, a crossed wire changed that to 'kill the fuck outta everyone it saw as naughty,' which in this case was... everyone it could see."

"That was a fuckin' fiasco... good chunk of Orgrimmar got torn up by the thing before we could take it down! Little fucker even stomped one of my L.U.P.E. into scrap! I had to have my other dog go fetch Titanstrike from where I hid it after Nitika tried to swipe it again and blew the top half off, then threw the last of my Nutcracker Grenades down into it's engine!"

"It worked... but then Darkhoof took over and that fuckin' cow threw Titanstrike into the fucking VOID! DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH FUCKIN' GOLD I HAD TO PAY TO GET THAT DAMN GUN IN THE FIRST PLACE?! IT WAS AN ENGINEERING MARVEL AND SHE CHUCKED IT INTO THE FUCKIN' SHADOW REALM FOR NO DAMN GOOD REASON! NO APPRECIATION FOR TECHNOLOGY I FUCKIN' SWEAR THAT-..." (This continues for about ten minutes.)

[mousies-fanfic]

chaos follows

Loki, Bucky and Y/n are really good friends but are also known as he chaotic trio around the tower. Everywhere they go, chaos follows. It's the same for missions, almost 70% of the time the mission descends into madness when they're around. How will Steve, Sam and Clint cope with them during their hydra base invasion mission?

word count is 1886 words

Mentions of guns, swearing, knives, slight gore, death, explosives, Y/N stabs Loki for annoying them/her/him, near death experience! No pronouns used for reader!

“Y/N, we’re surrounded!” trust barnes to point out the fucking obvious. “Great, we can attack in any direction!” I shouted at my two teammates, Bucky and Loki. We had fucked up the mission, we didn’t follow steves plan but we were still going to make this mission successful. I was the first to raise my gun and shoot the first hydra agent in the head. There were about 50 of them, but that was nothing to 2 super soldiers and a god.

The other two followed suit stabbing, shooting and punching Hydra agents, But they kept coming. More and more of them. “Guy’s what's going on?” Steve spoke over coms. “ We’re kind of swarmed at the moment, any chance you could help us out?” Bucky spoke while shooting the opposing agents.

Not long after there was a loud explosion outside, wait they’re using my secret stash of explosives! How dare they?! I carried on trying to kill the last remaining agents, Bucky and Loki were just arguing about combat tactics. Why did I always get put with these two fossils? “Will you two stop fighting each other and fight the people we’re supposed to be fighting?” I scoffed, I had managed to kill the last agent in this area. All the others had run off, most likely to fight the others outside.

Now to go and get those damn files. “Will you stop running so fast!” Bucky called after me. “What’s wrong? Can't keep up old man?” I laughed while still running. I wanted to get to the room we needed and get out, tik tok was calling my name. I reached the hall the room was on before the other two, it was too quiet. Something was going on, I pulled the larger gun off my back. Getting ready to defend myself.

Bucky and Loki had different ideas and barged past me. I rolled my eyes and followed behind them, if we were going to die because of their mistake then they were both dying first. The room we had entered was a lab, it was very dimly lit and eerily quiet. “Loki, you get the files we need and more if you can. Me and Bucky are going to look around the lab and see what we can find.” I instructed, we could at least follow some of Steve's orders.

Me and Bucky split up, guns ready to shoot if needed. I went to the right, there were covers hiding things. I pulled them off to see multiple animal test subjects, all of them had sadly died from the experiments other than one. A little black cat, the tips of its paws were white and its eyes a deep shade of green. It looked scared, I couldn’t leave it here. I found the keys and unlocked the door, the cat jumped into my arms purring. “You’re safe now buddy, here jump in this rucsac. It’s bulletproof so you can’t get hurt.” I zipped the bag shut, making my way back over to Loki. Bucky was already there shoving what he’d found into his bag.

“Shall we plant explosives too? And maybe leave fireworks with them….” I whispered the last part to Loki, I wanted things to go boom. “That's a terrible, horrible and incredibly foolish idea. Let's do it and see what happens!” Loki took the fireworks to slip next to the explosives, he could do it without being caught.

We made our way back through the hydra base, checking for any hostages and planting explosives as we went. When we heard a sound behind us. We all turned around to see a small dragon thing. “What is that?” Bucky pointed at it. “That would be a dragon.” Loki confirmed. “It’s so cute!” I spoke way too soon. That small, little dragon grew 100 times bigger. Our group ran out the nearest fire door, surprised there was one to be honest.

“What the hell is going on down there?!” Sam shouted over comms. “Is that a fucking dragon!” Steve shouted a second later. “Steve Grant Rodgers watch your language!” I joked while running, Loki found it funny revealing in the chaos.  

“See Bucky, dragons do exist!” I shouted over the roaring of the beast behind us. “Now is not the best time for ‘I told you so’s’. We are quite literally running for our lives!” Bucky shouted back, still sprinting. Once we had all ran far enough away from the base I pushed the button to detonate the explosives. Me, Loki and Bucky had all ducked behind an old broken wall for cover.

“Did you really set off fireworks with the explosives?!” Bucky shouted at me and Loki. “I wanted it to be pretty!” I shouted back. “It was supposed to be subtle, you idiot!” Bucky shouted back while the fireworks decorated the sky. The dragon had run back to base when it heard the explosives go off. The sound of car engines and gunshots got closer to us, well shit. Now we had to fight more, the dragon began screeching as Hydra agents shot it to the ground. It hit the ground with a thud, it was finally dead. But we now had hydra agents coming for us.

Me, Loki, Bucky, Steve, Clint and Sam fought through our exhaustion. Loki was quite literally ripping people limb from limb, It was kind of impressive. I watched for a while while still fighting, until something muscular collided with my head. I turned around to see Loki standing there, then I looked down at the floor to see a torn off leg. “Did you have to hit me with a corpse's leg? Was it really necessary?” I huffed and poked the limb with my boot. “Necessary, no. Hilarious, yes.” Loki chuckled at himself, I rolled my eyes. I’d get him back for that.

We had all finally finished the mission and headed back to the quinjet. “Y/N, you need to get patched up.” Steve threw the first aid kit to me rolling his eyes, he wasn’t surprised I got stabbed today. I did as I was told, mainly because I was bleeding everywhere. It wasn’t a deep wound, the blood was more of an annoyance.  I then remembered that my little friend was still in my backpack. I sat down in my spot and opened the zip, my new friend was still alive.

“Y/N what the hell is that?” Clint questioned while I got the creature out of my bag. “It’s a cat….” I shrugged casually. “Cat’s don’t have 8 legs!” Bucky shouted at me, slightly freaking out. “It looks like a cat, so its a fucking cat!” I argued, snuggling the little bundle of fur in my arms. “We’re not keeping it.” Loki huffed, him and Bucky shared a floor with me at the tower so the cat would become a joint responsibility. “Yes we are and his name is tiddles!” I pointed at the god, huffing.

“Enough you three, you’ve just had a near death experience and you are all fighting.” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “You call it a near death experience, I call it a vibe check with god.” My response was slightly sarcastic, Bucky smirked and Loki held onto his laughter.

Three hours into the flight home me and Bucky started a staring contest, we didn’t verbally arrange it. It just happened. “Why are you glaring at me?” Bucky finally spoke after 10 minutes. “I’m hoping you’ll spontaneously combust.” I shrugged before Sam threw water on both our faces. Loki erupted into fits of laughter and me and Bucky shot him the same glare.

Our hostage, well prisoner as Steve said, was sitting in the corner slumped. “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure that body might not be alive anymore.” I pointed to the dude, he did in fact look dead. Clint nudged the dude to check on him. Prisoner dude startled awake and started screaming, causing Clint to scream it caught him off guard. Loki and Bucky began wheezing  while Sam sat in the corner and smiled slightly. Steve's shoulders wiggled a bit, I managed to make the old man laugh.

Clint knocked the prisoner out again before turning to me. “I hate you.” He scoffed, moving toward the front of the plane. “Why? I’m lovely.” I commented, still smirking. “Fuck off Y/N” Clint mumbled, Loki and Bucky still laughing.

A little while later, everyone had calmed down. But Loki was looking at me weird, then at riddles weirdly too. “Shut up.” I huffed at the god. “I didn’t say anything..” Loki scoffed in offence. “I don’t care. Shut up.” I shrugged, ignoring his offence. Loki did his famous eye roll so I threw a knife at him, lodging it in his shoulder. “You’re lucky we are friends, you heinous bitch.” Loki pointed at me before ripping the blade out of his shoulder.

Loki had finished being patched up by Clint, he was the only one besides me that could stitch people and Loki wouldn’t let me do it. Bucky stood up from next to me, why is he getting up? “Where are you going?” I raised my eyebrow curiously. “Hell most likely.” Bucky commented sarcastically. “Can you get snacks on the way back?” I requested, Bucky rolled his eyes before going to the bathroom.

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked Loki about his stab wound from me. “I don’t have feelings. I take them to an abyss deep within my soul and throw them off a cliff.” Loki responded almost too casually. “That was oddly specific but okay.” Sam just looked dumbfounded by the response but handed Loki a bottle of water and Bucky also did get snacks on his way back from the bathroom.

We had all finally made it back to the tower, Me and Loki and Bucky were still bickering, this time it  was over who was the smartest. “I’ve been alive for 1048 years, I am the smartest by far. I have centuries of knowledge.” It was a good argument but me and Bucky were annoying him for the fun of it. “But I can work out algebra and you can’t.” Bucky argued, it was petty but brilliant to piss off Loki. “They don’t have algebra on asgard! How many times do I have to say that?!” Loki shouted, he was getting pissed. Do I push his last button? Fuck it I’m going to push it. “I’ve met bread smarter than you…” I commented, Bucky burst out in laughter at the simple comment.

I did push Loki’s last button. “Take that back!” Loki screamed finger held up in the air. “No!” I held my finger, mimicking him slightly. “You better get running Y/N” Loki warned, I sprinted quickly through the communal area. I made it to my bedroom locking the door. “Y/N! GET OUT HERE NOW!” Loki screamed. “NO I’M GOING TO SHOWER!” I screamed back, I ignored him banging on my door to go and freshen up. “I’m going to get you back!” He shouted through the door, once he had heard my shower turn off. “I’d like to see you try!” I shouted back before hearing his door slam shut. I flopped on my bed, falling asleep instantly. That was a really long mission.