#like does this make sense i have such a bad brain fog lmao

[martyrbat]

okay its been a hour and i still have a migraine and am lethargic & twitchy so. its great you have a pinned post saying as a general warning your blog isnt seizure safe and to be careful. but when your warning is surrounded by rapidly flashing banners and eye straining colors and without the post itself being properly tagged for those, it does fucking nothing. saying look at your pinned post in your bio before following you and it being the direct trigger you're trying to warn against (and that warning being AFTER a long thing with personal information and underneath the triggering gifs instead of on top) is super misguided and dangerous to anyone that has epilepsy.

[sayakxmi]

[Magi reread] Night 34: Answer

Best mom award in Magi goes to Ja'far.

Thank you for being the only person to point out that these are KIDS.

Another moment you don't think too hard until you reread it while thinking too hard. Sinbad doesn't see the child that Aladdin is. He just sees somebody with a lot of power. Well, he's not ageist, I'll give him that. But Aladdin is ten. Power or not, he's young and very openly doesn't understand much about the world, he admits it himself.

Like, if you look at Magi as typical shounen, then it makes sense. But the thing is, Magi is not a typical shounen. I'll forever view it as a victim of the wrong time. Magi is that transitional series, something between the old and new shounen. If it appeared now, it would've been far more popular. It has some of these shounen tropes, but at the same time it doesn't depend on them. Your actions have consequences, life is no fiction. If you get too cocky, you end up as a slave, don't you, Sinbad?

It kind of reminds me how I talked with Yudja about it once, how Sinbad is a shounen hero trapped in a world that is much closer to the real world than a cartoon. Determination and the power of friendship aren't enough, and he learns it the hard way... and yet, here he is. Still living a fantasy.

I'll forever mourn Magi not airing later.

I do like the fact that he asks her. Several reasons. 1 - shows how passive Aladdin tends to be, a guide that lets himself be guided (which isn't exactly a bad thing, but still), 2 - it might've been not planned, but after being a slave, it was honestly pretty nice that he didn't make that decision for her.

Sinbad says it. She's smart.

And Sinbad's a damn good negotiator. Well, he is a merchant.

Sinbad is sexist. Hardly a surprise.

That face.

Force-fed respect women juice.

Not for long, but oh well.

Yeaa, it's probably Cassim just making him the center of attention, not something specific that Alibaba does. It's just all attributed to him.

Aladdin & denial the arc.

Welp, there it is. Sinbad's motto, besides calling everything fate. Decide on something, then keep going, no matter what. Thanks for that one, Ja'far.

Ja'far looks so proud of him. Bro, you have no idea yet where it'll lead : (

SinJa is an awesome ship when well-written. But, anyway, I like that chuckle and expression.

Lmao. I love it when they're allowed to be silly.

Still, Sinbad isn't some pure evil. He makes a shitton of extremely bad chocies, and some of them are very much unforgivable, but he isn't simply badTM. He's a fascinating character, but sometimes it feels like the fandom views him either as just good or just bad, when he's canonically and very pointedly depicted as having both of these sides to him.

I want to crack open his skull and watch his brain under a microscope.

Anyway, but I was thinking about it, bc here he just notices somebody struggling to walk, and he automatically tries to help.

Yeah, that does look like how his life usually looks. Tries to do good, gets himself into some trouble.

Huh, that doesn't align with Ahbmad's words.

He's genuinely horrified.

I love this entire page. It shows Sinbad's priorities pretty well - laws don't matter, only what he considers to be the right thing does. And here it's not a bad thing. it's not something we disagree with, obviously. But it does make sense that one day he'll reach the point where only what he views to be the right thing will matter, even if he has to do something disastrous.

Weird fog.

I'm pretty sure that this scene doesn't happen in the anime.

Bro he misses him so fucking much I just CAN'T. Just. Ugh. IF ONLY UGO-KUN AND ALIBABA WERE HERE. They knew each other for one adventure, it's been like two-three days max, probably, and I just can't. Aladdin cares so fucking much. This is his best friend, he found him on his own, and he wouldn't trade him for anybody, no matter how shining and powerful they are. He likes that incredibly ordinary and kind cheapskate. I just CAN'T, UGH

[literalfuckingfreak]

ok this is just me ranting ab using the label disabled for myself LMAO. i am. idk why i keep denying it to myself 💀💀💀

still somehow having trouble accepting the fact that im disabled. like. idk in my head its hard for me to be like yes. i am disabled. even though really, a lot of the shit i have DOES count as a disability. like, legally. there hasnt been a single day in 10 years that i havent been in some kind of constant pain. at least twice a week im in too much pain to complete tasks. if i'm having a bad day with my hip or my knees i have to force myself up the stairs to get to class in literal tears trying to get up. like. idk. i always feel bad using the elevator or some shit in public places even though i walk with a limp half the time. i have to skip classes because im in agony over my absolutely obliterated intestinal tract (i have like. very very bad intestinal lining and it fucks my entire stomach up and also my bones lol) . ALSO. my health problems give me fucking insane brain fog to the point where i often cannot remember where i was for weeks at a time. right. my first week of college i couldnt remember what classes i had been to or any of my professors or my schedule, despite the fact that i had it written down and looked at it constantly. its incredibly difficult for me to type too, because my brain just wont work right and i type things backwards or in the wrong order constantly. 90% of the shit i say doesn't make any sense. RIGHT. like. i am disabled. i have debilitating chronic migraines. i am a drug addict. like really, mental disorder aside, i am disabled. i am literally struggling to type this right now because the arthritis in my hands is acting up. right. but still for some reason my brain won't accept that. like bro!! get yourself a fucking cane finally please!!! DAMN BITCH.

[morwensteelsheen]

one thing i struggle to write with faramir that is i think very important to his character but is largely expressed in the books only through environmental/narrative chronology is his capacity for….. affable intimidation, i might call it? he’s objectively a good guy, unequivocally a batter for the home team, etc., etc., and he radiates that goodness, but he’s also an unbelievably intimidating figure too.

his introduction in TTT gets this across remarkably well in two ways. the first is his actual introduction, which is literally walking out of stealthmode in the woods, double the height of our POV’s eye line, armed to the teeth and speaking a spooky language. plus, ‘we’re’ very close to mordor, everything’s a bit heart of darkness-y, and the men (bar aragorn, i guess) we’ve dealt with so far are fallible and corruptible almost to the point of uselessness. logically it makes sense that we as the readers and frodo + sam as the POV would be deeply untrusting of him. he could very well be a colonel kurtz type figure. (also lmao catch me scribbling down notes for that AU)

the second way it comes across is through his actual speech. you’ll have to forgive me because im lying in a dark room while my brain devours itself and my copy of TTT is in the other room, so i don’t have pull quotes, but as far as i remember, faramir’s doing a one man good cop, bad cop routine with himself and making his niceness very contingent on what information frodo and sam are willing to offer up. it’s all justifiable, and iirc he goes out of his way to point out that if he’s being a dick it’s because they’re in a war and actually he’s not being half as much of a dick as he really could be, thank you very much, but he’s pretty explicit about frodo (and sam) needing to earn his benevolence.

and despite having this extended, transactional interaction that would (if it had been penned nowadays) have seen him labelled ‘morally grey’, at the end of his scene pretty much everybody involved is fawning about how lovely and great and good he is. there’s never any sense that the characters think they shouldn’t trust him (frodo actually has a thought about wanting to spill his heart out to faramir iirc, i think that’s where the ‘grave young man’ description first shows up).

that aura is reiterated every time he shows up. pippin first laying eyes on him and being like, ‘he’s terrifying and i love him’, éowyn being like ‘he could absolutely kick the shit out of everybody i know’, maybe others, again, please excuse my migraine fog. he’s intimidating, almost as intimidating as aragorn — though, as we learn through éowyn’s eyes, not quite as distant and impenetrable as aragorn — but he’s just so good you can’t help but adore him. (it’s almost, and forgive my lotr AU loving brain for this, as if everybody he encounters is counting their blessings he’s on their side and not the other guy’s.)

it’s very hard to translate all that to informal interpersonal interactions, im finding. we know jrrt builds up familiarity in the book by essentially vernacular switching — moving from loftier prose to more common speech to hint at intimacy or ensure the reader feels a level of kinship with certain characters — but faramir so far as i can remember never actually gets that moment of informality. at best i can think of maybe the moment when he’s telling sam to shut the fuck up? but outside of that, tolkien actually goes through great pains to only portray faramir in the highest, loftiest language. i mean look at the steward and the king, which is easily the most emotionally intimate moment for either faramir or éowyn (and i would argue easily top three of the whole series), and yet is conducted entirely in that soaring, chivalric prose. faramir doesn’t use contractions (or if he does, they don’t scan as contractions because all the other shit he’s saying is so purpley), he doesn’t use monosyllabic words god help him, and rhetorically he fits far more in the template of the silmarillion than the hobbit, if you get what i mean.

and that’s, uh, really hard to write lol. it just is, there are so few writers ive seen out there who really nail it, because it requires a really precise grasp of the english language that i assume you’re only allowed to get if you literally do a seance and bully jrrt into giving you it lmao. yeah there’s not really a big thesis to this post im just having a moan about how much i love this character and how much of a ball buster he is to write

[anothertimdrakestan]

Hot Stuff (Tim Drake x Reader)

Words: 3k

Req: “can you do a fic where the reader has to get protected and she doesn't want to and thinks it's dumb but like otherwise someone is gonna try to kill her so a batboy (of your choice) has to protect her and they like realize they like each other? i just think it would be really cute sorry haha you can ignore me.”

I’m not gonna ignore you!!! this is adorable! also i let ppl vote not knowing the prompt and they picked tim hehehe so this will be fun! you really left me a LOT of creative freedom lmao so i tried my best but had a lot of fun lolz hope you enjoy angel!

It had been at least 5 years since you had ever shivered. And the last time it happened you were like 20 seconds away from dying so the fact that it was becoming a common feeling was definitely a problem. But your near death every couple minutes was a pretty dumb excuse to get you holed up in the batcave being watched over by none other than Mr. Batman himself. 

The whole problem arose when all the cold-powered super villains decided it was time for their equivalent of a crossover, deciding that if the world was frozen over they could... steal shit? Then unfreeze it or something? They were always a little slow (call it brain freeze if you will) but the beginnings of their plan worked and the temperature of the Earth was dropping steadily which didn’t bode well for a hero like you who’s powers revolved around heat and energy, the colder you got the weaker- making this the reason you were in a makeshift furnace set up discreetly in the Batcave. 

“Morning y/n let’s see how you’re doing” Tim greeted you with a wave, grabbing a tablet that was tracking your internal body temperature and other boring statistics on whether or not you’d live. “Oh man, okay, lemme turn it up” Tim tapped at the tablet while you folded another paper airplane and threw it at the glass. “I feel fine man, like really, I’m just chilling” you shrugged, incinerating the paper airplane with a small flame in the center of your palm while Tim chuckled. “Well ya see, you ‘chilling’ is actually quite a bad thing, but yeah a couple minutes with extra heat and you can come to breakfast!” you rolled your eyes at his smothered laughter. “How long you been sitting on that one?” you teased him. 

“Long enough Sparky, now warm up I’m hungry” Tim started you on a burst of energy while he moved on to the main BatComputer. “Whatcha solving today? Anything I can help with?” you squinted at the screen hoping for something interesting. “Bruce is going out to see if he can find the location of all the machines dropping the temp, and no, you’re definitely not going outside anytime soon” Tim chided you while you groaned and let sharp flames jutt from your clenched fists. “I’m not a child, I can regulate my temperature on my own, hell I can still make fire so clearly I’m fine” you said matter-of-factly holding up a flame and letting it dancing into a small burst. 

“And I’d like to keep you that way y/n let’s not risk it, now c’mon I think you’ve taken in enough energy” Tim opened the door to your little glass room, his eyes widening at the heat that brushed over his face. “Dude you ever got hot in there?” Tim questioned, fanning his face from the exposure. “Nope, I’m kinda like that all the time” you explained, casually taking his hand to show him how your skin practically radiated heat. “Oh- wow, you’re really warm but it’s kinda cool.” Tim mumbled, pushing your palm flush up against his, the tops of his fingertips curling around yours while he grinned, “your hands are so small” you snorted, “whatever Drake, I could cook you like a bird if I wanted to,” you laughed, racing up the steps towards the kitchen ready to warm up some breakfast.

That afternoon you were helping Damian through homework hoping for any excitement in the pure boredom. “Alright, done. I’m going to take Titus out you can come- uh actually nevermind.” Damian shot you an apologetic look before grabbing Titus’ collar. “No actually I can go! I’m super warm and got the go ahead!” You quickly stood up, telling yourself a little getaway was necessary. “Really? I believe Drake said-” you cut Damian off, “Tim is like never right about anything yaknow? Let’s go!” You zipped up a couple of your jackets with a grin while Damian led you outside. 

The air was crisp, like a fall day that was on the verge of shifting into winter. “You’re not going to die on me are you?” Damian glanced at you while you breathed in the fresh air peacefully. “No haha, this is just regulating my temperature using my powers for a little while, I get ill when I do it for too long, let’s go!” you raced down the street loving the freedom even though you could feel the cold creep in. 

“Y/n? Y/n? Guys I think her eyelids are moving! Y/N! Can you hear me?” a familiar voice buzzed over the white noise while you began to regain your senses. Slowly you blinked your eyes open to see Damian, who looked pissed, Bruce, who also looked pissed, and Tim, who looked worse than ever. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU LIED TO DAMIAN TO GO OUTSIDE THEN ALMOST DIED!” Tim was waving his hands and showing you charts of your warmth-cold ratios being at all time lows and spouting off concerning facts about your health while Bruce just looked at the ceiling asking ‘why me’. 

“I thought I’d be fine” you whispered, feeling your throat scream at it’s use. “It’s like freezing outside- freakin colder than winter- and you wanted to go outside???” Tim looked exasperated, he was in a loose tank top and shorts, it looked like he’d been sweating so he had probably been next to you for a while during your recovery. “I didn’t think I’d get so cold” you mumbled, flexing your hands while you tried to regain your strength. 

Eventually Tim calmed down, he went back to working on cases but you noticed him frequently checking to confirm you hadn’t left your new room. Damian chastised you for lying and told you how you essentially fainted a couple blocks into the walk, it was just way too cold too for you to function outside. But the small taste of freedom was worth it. 

“Hey hot stuff,” Tim gave you a little devilish smile at his new nickname for you. “Cute Drake, but what’s up?” you called back as he approached your makeshift oven-room. “Nothing much just thought I’d come hangout- warm up your cold dark heart for once” you shook your head at all his heat-centered puns. “Tough talk for a glorified shish-kebab” you said with a laugh, letting a little spark dance on your finger tips. 

“What does it feel like? The powers and being cold?” Tim asked, his eyes still staring at your palm. “Mhm it’s a part of me yaknow? So when it’s cold its like a piece of my being is being stifled, like choked out of me. But normally, it just flows through me and I can channel it and what not but right now it feels... rigid, like every ounce of warmth is being used to circulate through my own body” you said with a sign, missing the freedom and immense warmth. “We’re gonna fix this y/n you know that right? This is only temporary, I promise.” Tim whispered, inching closer to the glass. 

You felt a tear slip out, quickly you pushed it away feeling it evaporate in your hands you looked up at Tim who was inches from the glass, his cheeks were red from the heat radiating on him as he stood bundled in a sweater. Slowly he gave you a hopeful smile, putting his hand up against the glass. With a small smile you uncurled your hand up to meet his, for a second you just met his eyes and knew you were safe. Even when everything seemed so cold Tim was warm, and he was always there for you. 

A couple days later you were stable, but constantly needing reheating. You’d spent a lot of time with Tim who had set up a little workspace outside your room. He’d work on cases and talk to you, sometimes he’d catch a few minutes of sleep, his cheek pressed adorably up to the warm glass while you stifle giggles as his sleepy breaths fog the glass. Your situation was bearable with Tim, and you were really starting to enjoy his company.

“Red Robin we’ve got something” you watched Tim shoot up from his work as Bruce descended into the Batcave. “Barry Allen and the rest of Star Labs have reason to believe the frost machines aren’t actually underground, but their above us. Think pumping out cold air like an AC machine for the Earth” Tim nodded, sitting down at the batcomputer as he began typing rapidly. You were straining your neck against the glass to try to see what he was doing. 

“Got it, try here, here, and here” Tim was pointing wildly at a map while Bruce sent out the coords. “Suit up, if we’re right this’ll be a real fight” Bruce said as he left to go get the others. After Tim was in his suit he came up next to your room with a grin. You looked at him with hopeful eyes, “you think this is it?” you asked Tim while he flashed you a hopeful smile. “I hope so y/n, if we’re lucky this will be it” he answered, taking a deep breath and clenching his hands into fists. “Well you need extra luck” you told him, he nodded then stopped short when you burst out of the room, throwing your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. “My hugs are super lucky” you whispered into his chest while his hands wrapped around your back. “I’ll take all the luck I can get” he mumbled, lowering his head into the crook of your neck. The hug was easy and perfect- until you started to shiver. Quickly Tim deposited you back into your room, turning up the heat. 

“Guess I’m not hot enough for you” Tim snorted while you rubbed your shoulders. “Shut up dork, now go fix the world so I can give you a proper hug” you placed your hand against the glass again. With a nod he placed his hand to yours, “will do” he said, dashing off towards Bruce and Damian who were also all suited up. 

“Y/n I must inform you they have in fact found the base and will be going into battle shortly” Alfred called from the computers while he monitored the team’s location. “Yes!” you shouted, pumping a fist in the air while you paced around your room. 

The plan was clear, there were 10 giant AC machines pumping out the frost across the world, some heroes had been separated into teams each tasked with taking out their respective machine then any hero strong enough to lift the machines were in charge of bringing them to an undisclosed location on one of Bruce’s private islands for inspection and dismantling. Alfred had Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian’s vitals displayed on the screen as their suits were consistently monitoring them and you’d been craning your neck to keep track of the little bars. “god Alfie how do you take it? You can see every hit they take, every injury, you’re basically looking at it all going wrong!” you felt like tearing your hair out, watching the screen light up with every hit each boy took. 

“You get used to it Ms. Y/n you must have faith that they’ve seen worse and can survive anything” Alfred answered cooly but it didn’t stop you from wincing everytime Tim’s bar lowered or lit up meaning he took a hit. 

Over the comms you heard Bruce and Damian confirm their machine was sufficiently broken, as well as 8 of the other machines. As it turned out, Tim, Dick, and one of those annoying speedsters had been sent to the head machine, a few members of the league were at the other. You watched Tim take hit after hit, clearly him and Dick were struggling. “Alf is it just me or are Tim and Dick’s bars not going up” you were pounding at the glass of your room. Slowly Alfred nodded, abruptly standing up. To your shock he began moving around the cave, setting up what looked like a makeshift hospital room. “There will almost assuredly be some injuries after this battle. But how are you feeling Ms. Y/n as over half of the machines have been taken down” Alfred drew you away from the flashing bars as you realized you were feeling better, still not top shape but better than you’d been in days. “Yeah you’re right I’m definitely feeling better-”

“Hey Alfie Tim just got buried in snow any recommendations?” you heard Dick’s voice come over the speakers. Your head whipped to his bar which was flashing wildly as you shrieked. Alfred replied quickly, “Master Dick you must remove him immediately and wrap him with something warm as his suit cannot regulate him in freezing temperatures.” as he made his way back to the batcomputer, talking Dick through his next actions. 

“Will do, he’ll be okay but he’s kinda a popsicle right now” Dick’s voice came over the comms again while you let out the breath you’d been holding in as you saw Tim’s bar sliding back up. Shortly after they were aided by the rest of the league, promptly taking out the final machine and finding the villains hiding inside. 

Dick, Tim, and Damian returned to the cave shorty, Bruce was busy with league business interrogating the villains. Damian came in first, declaring he now hated the cold after how freezing that mission was. Following him was Dick who was walking with a slight limp as he called to Alfred explaining that he just twisted it when he dug Tim out of the snow. And last, Tim made his way into the cave. His hair was wet, clearly melted from being buried under snow. He was wearing a Star Labs sweatshirt and sweatpants as he held his waterlogged suit in his slightly shaky hands, and a towel was draped over his shoulders. “Alf you want my suit? Pretty sure I fried half the tech” he called as he shook his head, little water droplets flying from his hair. “I’ll see to it’s repair Master Tim” Alfred nodded, gesturing for Tim to place it next to him. “Also, might I recommend you spend some time with Miss Y/n as she is quite capable of warming you up” Alfred gestured towards your room before going back to examining Dick’s ankle. 

Tim nodded in agreement, giving you a little wave as he stumbled into the room with you. Letting the relief flood your head you quickly brought him into a warm hug, focusing on pushing some of your energy forwards to warm him up. “Mhm” Tim’s eyelashes fluttered shut against your neck while he melted into your embrace. “You’re so cold” you whispered with a giggle. “Yeah and you’re really hot” Tim groaned in reply, though you could feel his lips curl into a smile against your neck. “I think you meant warm” you tried to ignore the butterflies having a rager in your stomach. “Hm no I said it right” Tim whispered in your ear making your eyes widen at his upfront response. “Oh, I- uh, thanks? I think you’re pretty cool- no not cool cuz like that’s the opposite of hot- yeah you’re-” you were silenced as Tim pressed his lips to yours. Your eyes shot open at the feeling of his ice cold lips pressed to yours but they quickly fluttered closed when his hand wrapped around the back of your head, pulling you deeper into the kiss. His lips quickly warmed up against yours making your breath hitch when he slipped a cold hand around your waist pulling you flush against him. His fingers felt like ice as they grasped your back but you couldn’t but melt into his touch. 

You pulled away first, taking in gasping breaths while you couldn’t help but grin. “You warm yet?” you teased, pulling his hand away from your back and placing your hand in his, giving it a warm squeeze. “Mhm one more kiss” he pouted, leaning down to place a smiling kiss onto your lips while you scrunched your nose. “I should seriously freeze to death more often if it means I get to kiss you” Tim said while you rolled your eyes. “Or you could just not die and I might give you a good-job kiss?” you offered with a grin. “Will do” Tim nodded, giving your hand a squeeze. 

“Goodbye oven!” you shouted, practically kicking the door open as you finally got to leave the cramped room behind. Just a day later the Earth had returned to average temperature and you were free. “I am SO ready to go home, not that I didn’t like it here” you said, giving Tim a little smile as Bruce return all your belongings after a little over a week in Bat-Solitude. “Come back soon though?” Tim piped up with a hopeful looks. “Definitely, I won’t give you the cold shoulder” you snorted at your own joke while Damian groaned, saying something about being happy he’ll be free of your puns. 

Tim walked you out, chatting your ear off about his next cases and all the time he had to come see you, over the course of the frozen-adventure you’d found a best friend and possibly something more, maybe the oven was worth it after all? 

“Okay, so I’ll see you in a couple days?” you grinned as Tim nodded. “Yup! Now before you go, I need another good luck hug- they definitely work wonders seeing as last time I got buried in snow” Tim laughed, wrapping his arms around you as he chuckled into the hug. “Not my fault you turned into a snowman Drake” You gave him a squeeze before pulling away, locking eyes with him. His hand slipped to your chin again, but this time you wrapped your hands around his neck, pulling him in for a goodbye kiss, loving the way sparks danced on your lips. Pulling out of the kiss as the car arrived Tim opened the door for you like the gentleman he is, giving your hand a squeeze.

“See you later hot stuff” Tim winked at you, shutting the door and waving as you drove away, shaking your head at his never ending puns, you smiled to yourself as soon as he was out of view, loving the idea that you’d get to tease that cute dork for the rest of your life. 

[epochryphal]

thinking lately about reclaiming “superstitious” (etymology is apparently about an excess of belief, and is tied to scrupulosity Hah), rather than pagan or heathen

went on a trip through wiktionary regarding etymologies and found an ongoing conflation of things like supernaturalist with theist

(what about anti-divine supernaturalist lmao)

intuitionalist is apparently an adherent to a type of math proof theory that rejects the axiom that a statement must be either true or false. so that’s a fun one

profanist doesn’t appear in use yet. hm hm hm

just, increasingly bothered by the binary between theist and “surely atheist means believes nothing supernatural” - and also by the binary of natural/supernatural? as if only what we perceive is natural, somehow without rendering uv rays and dark matter supernatural

thinking a lot about shame, stigma, hide-it reflex around our intuitions and instincts around our senses, experiences, understandings. about an obsession with provability, with graspable truth. about othering in order to make an inner circle. about the concept of idolatry. about locuses of attention and intent. the whole “i wish i could believe” and what is the ‘but’

tired of compound phrases trying to mash together pieces that never want to blend - supernatural atheist, superstitious satanist, anti-theist witch. tired of feeling like finding meaning and inspiration and sense-making in contemporary art is insufficient for “sourcing” a philosophy-theology-spirituality

mushi-ist, lol. mushishian.

i’d like to not be so activated heightened on edge around religious language, like around gender language, and it’s maybe a defense mechanism alerting to real unsafety, but maybe building up my own stronghold and sense thereof can also help, and maybe that isn’t forcing a dispelling of protective important grey fog, maybe it can be installing furniture i feel comfortable sitting in/on.

i think i haven’t properly internally articulated a reaction to the concept of “the divine” as in a property things can have. maybe need to establish a firmer boundary there. a non-science-based rejection. though an understandable type of experience feeling.

ugh i’ve been increasingly frustrated with the colonialist evangelical worldview of prominent athiesm, though of course that’s always the most prominent, that’s its whole deal. the ableism too of course, but like extra palpably so

…huh apparently ‘worship’ comes from worth + state of being, and used to basically mean worthy. and ‘profane’ comes from pre-temple. mm, finding the outside-temple worthy huh, without needing to… dedicate it to a purpose (make sacred) or set it apart (sanctify). a worth without taking and reprocessing

i think i resisted looking at etymology for a long time because it felt like a bad part of my inclinations, like mental illness, like overindulgent pattern-seeking, pointless. but it’s so much easier for my brain to find footholds this way, instead of trying to think through broad and abstract - i’ve always been little picture. and it doesn’t mean accepting unquestioningly, or. it’s helping with meaning units, with historical trends, even as none of this is infallible. rotating the camera lens inside my head. tarot does similar. touching my rock collection

probably a big part of why i prefer non-english video media, there’s the extra filter disclaimer room for disagreement reinterpretation

quasi relatedly i am sighing for the pressure on platforms to provide opt-out switches for “””the holidays””” and am back to resenting how can i keep busy enough to not Feel the Enforced Time Off without then interacting with yet more situations constantly invoking The Holidays. etsy fkin, “we know this relationship could be strained so here’s a link to opt out of father’s day notifs” but nothing for anything else (or other reasons) and also gendered marketing ofc. especially frustrating as all the like, platforms through which to access content you’ve already paid for (eg steam, smart tvs, netflix) do this. considering if i should figure out some like, going into physical books and old game consoles, avoiding the s’media, and purging my emails of anyone who invokes the Time Of Year (it getting in the way of uh business emails is especially annoying)

also considering making thursday nights my time of reflection and self-centering and intention setting, that worked when it was an event to go to, it’s separate enough from wednesday awana and friday shabbat and sunday church associations, it might interfere with some jobs i’d like to accept but i’m increasingly getting friday-saturday-sunday jobs so. dunno still what days to establish as my days off exactly, especially given special events - but then again those are special and could be taken off for, as long as i know a bit in advance…

[elefics]

torment / chapter 5

A/N: I’ve barely proofread this, sorry if it’s a little wack (also the ending is a bit rushed, I ran out of motivation lmao). Thank you for the love on this fic!!! I appreciate it sm :’))

word count: 2.8k

The café was practically empty. Streetlights shone in from the sidewalk outside. There was one bald man guy behind the counter, who took orders and cooked all at the same time. When the cook called me sweetheart with a leering grin, Michael’s hand snaked around my waist protectively. I liked the feeling.

A few yawning men stumbled in occasionally for coffee, but other than them, we were alone in our booth by the window. The light inside was warm, casting Michael’s features in gold. I couldn’t take my gaze away for a second.

Michael ordered the French toast. I went with pancakes. We sipped coffee in contented silence for a while, before he finally spoke.

“I know you feel weird around me. Why didn’t you say anything to them?” Michael asked, tilting his head slightly. I thought of Cordelia and the way she crumpled to the ground earlier.  

“To cover for you. Take some heat off.” I replied instinctively.

“Cover what? What do you think is going on?” His eyes darkened.

I shrugged. “I know something’s going on. I know there’s more to you. I just haven’t figured it out yet.” I waited for him to explain; I was tired of guessing.

He hesitated, tearing at the corner of his napkin and biting the corner of his lip.

“I need you to tell me, Michael. If I know what’s happening, I can protect you.” I said, meaning every word of it.

He smiled softly, grateful. “There’s just too much to explain,” He sighed. “I don’t know how to.”

“Michael Langdon, prince of debonair, doesn’t have the right words?” I teased.

He rolled his eyes. I spotted a tiny tremble in his fingers as they interlocked with mine across the table.

“How about we start with questions. How goddamn old are you?” I asked, smiling. I was getting sick of my own voice asking the same question, over and over.

“It’s complicated. I don’t age like...you.” Spotting my confused look, he continued. “I don’t age in human years. I guess I’m something like twenty, but I feel…ancient.” He sighed with the weight of a thousand years on his breath.

Maybe it was the nerves, but I burst out laughing. Michael’s brow furrowed, and I saw his walls going up right in front of me.

“No, no, Michael I’m sorry. Human years?” I asked.

“This is stupid. I can’t.” His jaw clenched as he stared out the window. I watched a nerve in his temple jump as he avoided looking at me.

I said, leaning my head closer to force him to look at me. “Hey, I have all night. I’m here.”

“I think it’ll be easier if I show you. Can I?” He asked, taking my hand in his warm ones.

I nodded slowly, my pulse racing. His skin seared against mine, but I refused to pull away. Michael closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his nose. In seconds, I sunk through the ground into darkness.

Through the murky blackness, I saw a small child, covered in blood.

I heard a deep voice whisper, snake-like, behind his ear: kill, kill, kill. I saw dead animals across the child’s bedroom floor, and how he used their insides like finger-paint. I felt his ears burning, then pure rage. I felt the sticky warmth of the priest’s blood on his hands.

I felt the stares of other kids his age prickling the back of his neck, the feeling of being watched like a tiger in a cage. I felt his bones crack and stretch, aging a decade overnight. I felt the ache in his chest when his grandmother feared him. I felt his fathers abandon him, his birth mother ignore him. I felt the terror, the longing for guidance. I felt the darkness creeping in when he was lost, when he felt he had nowhere else to turn. I felt a void.

Then, I felt the searing heat of the dark room, and heard the circling crows outside, as the hooded people came. I felt sleep in his eyes as he stumbled down the stairs. I felt how their admiration made his heart soar. I felt how he finally, almost, maybe…belonged.

When Michael let go of my hand, I snapped back into reality. My breaths came panicked and hard, and I felt tears sliding down my nose. “What was that?” I asked shakily.

“I’m not normal. Not human. My father – he’s bigger than all of that.” Michael’s expression was blank, assessing my every movement.

“Michael, who is your father?” I asked, staring at the table.

“You won’t like it.” He whispered, staring at his cutlery. He didn’t look up.

“What is he?” I asked again, tears beginning to blur my vision.

“Satan.”

Dread filled my insides. Before I could cry or scream or recoil, I summoned that blue light inside me again, filling myself with calm. I tried to keep a level head, for Michael’s sake. I could see his bottom lip trembling and his eyes darting across my face frantically. He needed me right now.

“Are you afraid?” He asked quietly.

“No.” I replied slowly. It was a lie, but I didn’t want it to be.

“I know you are. This is stupid. I shouldn’t have told you that. I really shouldn’t-” Michael was spiralling.

“Miriam,” I said softly, pieces falling into place in my memory. “She’s who you lived with, after your family left?” I asked.

He paused, then smiled and nodded. “She’s the best.”

Talking about Miriam seemed to put him at ease. I was suddenly very aware that he likely had tenfold the power I had and could snap my spine clean in half, if he felt so inclined. Maybe it was a good idea to keep our conversations light. But I couldn’t help myself – I was standing on the edge of the cliff, and I wanted to jump. I had to know what Michael was and break him down to pieces, make sense of every part.  

“And she’s a…Satanist?” I asked, trying to keep my tone level and respectful.

“They just have a bad reputation. It’s about freedom, and choice. It’s about not setting limits and constraints on yourself. Everything is within your reach.” He murmured, lining my fingertips up with his.

An image problem. That’s what the issue was, according to Michael. I knew a little about religion – enough to know what this boy was and what he was designed to bring about. I swallowed fear with every gulp of oxygen.

“I need you to say it, Michael. I need to hear it.” I whispered, staring at the ground.

“I’m the Antichrist.” He said flatly. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. I guess to him, it was. He’d lived with that label, that target, on his back.

I remembered how uneasy Cordelia was around Michael, how she looked at him like he was a freak, an anomaly. If only she knew what I knew. If only she knew I was here now. Deep inside myself, wound tightly between my ribs, I felt like I was committing treason, some crime against humanity. Maybe I was, and just didn’t know it yet. My Supreme – it wasn’t Michael, at least it didn’t feel like it yet – didn’t trust this boy in front of me. But being here, talking and listening, learning about each other, I knew it couldn’t be all true. I’d felt his anguish, viscerally. I’d felt how lost he was. I knew him.

“What does that mean for you?” I asked.

“I don’t know yet. I’m supposed to bring about the end times, but I haven’t gotten my instruction manual in the mail yet.” He said bitterly.

“Is that what you want?” I asked.

His eyes met mine and I saw a flicker of panic in them. Nobody had ever asked him that before, I thought. In that moment, I saw a boy who was so deeply lost, he didn’t even know himself. I saw a boy who wanted to be good, desperately. I saw a boy with a future and destiny imposed on him, but one which he was never really sold on.

“I – I don’t know.” He replied softly. My brain buzzed with questions but was swiftly interrupted.

“Order up,” The bald cook smiled, sliding our plates in front of us. “Beautiful couple, by the way. Enjoy.”

“We’re not-” Michael and I spoke at the same time, then smiled.

Michael didn’t hesitate to dig in – all this talk of fate and apocalypse certainly hadn’t ruined his appetite.

“What about you? What shit did your parents put in your head about your future?” He changed the subject thickly through a mouthful of syrup.

“They thought I’d be a doctor or a lawyer when I was younger,” I laughed. I remembered my toy stethoscopes and the shelves of books I’d often escape into growing up. “Guess that went out the window a few years back.”

“You’re not a disappointment.” He said suddenly, eyes serious. My stomach flipped.

“Never said I was.” I smiled teasingly, but my insides warmed at his reassurance. I had a feeling it was something we both needed to hear, as much as each other.

“Where are they now?” Michael asked.

“My Dad left a long time ago. I barely know him. Mom – Mom doesn’t really talk to me anymore.” I faltered.

Michael nodded, his knee brushing mine under the table.

“Can you see into my dreams?” I asked suddenly, remembering I’d never asked. There were so many other, more important things we should have been talking about, but I had no idea where to start. It was like staring into the sun. All I could do was squint.

Michael smirked, “And change them.”

My mouth fell open. “What else?” I asked.

“I can do lots of things,” He smiled like a proud child. “There’s a lot I haven’t figured out yet, but I can feel it growing, inside me. Like a current.”

“Must be quite a feeling.” I said quietly, scraping my fork across my plate. Silence spread across the table like fog. It was a weird thing to say, and I knew it immediately. It made me look jealous and insecure. Maybe I was. But he didn’t need to hear that.

“You’re a force of nature. I like being around you.” He said simply. I didn’t know how to reply other than to smile.

Michael shifted in his seat. “What are you thinking about?”

“Can’t you hear it anyway?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“Only when I really want to. It’s like radio static, I have to tune into it to hear clearly.”

“What else do you hear?” I asked softly.

“My father, sometimes. When he talks, it’s like I have no choice but to listen. It fills up my whole skull until I feel like it’ll burst.” He explained.

“Does he talk to you…often?” I asked nervously.

“Not really. There isn’t exactly a bring your son to work day in Hell. We don’t play baseball on Saturdays,” He said wryly, before his expression changed to something more serious. “We’re not that close.” Michael confessed.

I could tell this hurt him. After allowing me into his memories, Michael felt so much more familiar to me. I understood him, at least more than I did yesterday.

“Have you met him? Like in person?” I asked. I thought of my own father and how I’d forgotten if his eyes were brown like mine, or a deep hazel, like Mom’s.

Michael smiled, the way you would at a small child asking you to play with them. “He’s not human, Lyla. He doesn’t have a body. If I did meet him in person, I’d just feel bad for the vessel.”

That sent a prickle of cold anxiety up my spine. Vessel. Hearing him talk about people, flesh and blood human beings, as merely a means to get from point A to point B, was unsettling.

“What are you? Human? Or a vessel, too?” I pressed.

Michael smirked. His hand under the table brushed higher up my knee. I felt goose bumps spring up along the hem of my skirt. “If I was a vessel, could I do that?” His other hand reached for mine, bringing it up to his warm lips to kiss my knuckles softly. “Or this?”

“Yes, you probably could.” I sighed.

“Smart girl. Too smart for me, maybe. Only trouble comes from that.” He murmured. It seemed like a reflection to himself, like field notes on an animal he was studying in the wild.  

I wriggled in my seat, uncomfortably hot under his stare.

“You’re scared. I can hear your blood rushing.” He observed, leaning back against his booth seat. His arms hung loosely – one along the back of the seat and one by his side. God, he was pretty. But the more I looked, the more I noticed: the way his skin sunk back under his eyes, faint greyish circles of fatigue. A tiny freckle on his chin. The sharp curve of his cheekbones. Before long, I was staring back, meeting his gaze without batting an eye. We sat there for a long time in silence, drinking each other in. We weren’t even touching and somehow it was one of the most intimate things I’d ever experienced. I felt like he knew me, inside out and backwards. I felt like I was starting to know him the same way.

“Hey, lovebirds. We close in twenty. Finish your coffee before it gets cold and get out of here.” The bald man called from the kitchen, breaking the spell between us.

Michael blinked a few times, like he was seeing sunlight for the first time in days. I idly wondered what he looked like first thing in the morning, right after he woke up. He smirked like he knew.

Producing a slim black wallet from his pocket, Michael threw a fistful of bills on the table. It was way more than the cost of what we’d ordered, but before I could say anything, let alone try to pay for myself, his hand was around mine as he pulled me into the night.

We walked in silence for four blocks. I counted our steps and tried to keep my heartbeat under control. It was embarrassing that he could hear it sometimes, and that when I tried to read him, all I got was flustered.

“Thank you for paying.” I squeezed his hand after a while.

Michael frowned and shrugged, like he’d forgotten already. He pulled me closer against him, wrapping his arm around my waist. He laughed softly.

“What’s funny?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He shook his head, grinning at the pavement.

“What is it?” I whined, hoping it wasn’t me he found so comical. Like he’d finally realised I wasn’t worth it, an ‘aha’ moment, after which he’d shortly disappear into thin air like a daydream.

Michael stopped abruptly, grabbed my hands and tugged me into an alley. In one fluid movement he had me pinned against a brick wall, his body hot against my skin.

“Lyla, Lyla, Lyla.” He whispered my name like he liked how it felt on his tongue. “What am I going to do with you?” He murmured, his face so close to mine I ached to kiss him.

I stared up at him, only one thought stuck in my mind: I could stay like this forever.

“You know what I am. Why aren’t you running for the hills?” He asked tenderly.

“I don’t buy it. I don’t think you’re as bad as you say you are, as everyone thinks you are.” I said defiantly, jutting my chin up at him.

Michael smiled. “Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought, then.” He hooked his forefinger under my chin, holding my face still with his thumb.

“If you were me, what would you do?” I asked, looking directly into his icy eyes.

“I would go somewhere very, very far away, and never speak to me again.” He whispered.

“Is that what you want me to do?” I asked. His eyes grazed down my neck, then back up to my lips.

“Not at all.” He said. Then he pressed against me, kissing me hard. I thought it was impossible to get any closer, but he proved me wrong every few moments, pushing my back against the cold brick behind me. His lips were soft against mine but his tongue had total control; I was completely dizzy in his arms. His hands trailed to my waist, fingertips tracing and tugging at the stitching of my skirt. My head reclined in pleasure and he took the opportunity to pepper my neck with sloppy kisses and bites. In the shadows of the alley, I wanted all of him, and I knew in my heart he felt the same.

I knew things just got complicated. I knew they were only doomed to get worse. We were different, Michael and I, on molecular levels. I knew this was wrong and that his lips against my neck were some kind of betrayal. But in this moment, I couldn’t care about anything else if I’d tried.

 taglist (i can’t remember who asked to be on here so if you want to be added or removed let me know!): @theneverendinghunger @outpostmichael @leatherduncan @langdons-butterfly-deactivated2​ @angelicmichael @drasangel 

[starryhedgehog]

slipped a detail

prompt : You’ve got a date tonight and you asked for advice on what to wear but I’m so in love with you and damn you look good in the outfit I picked out for you

a/n : fluff in exchange for coffee au series angst lmao -> also not my gif

- - 

Eliott Demaury sighs as he looks at his phone again, rereading the frantic messages that Lucas has been sending him for the past hour.

Lucas is on his way to a date with Chloé and wants his help to figure out what to wear.  Personally, Eliott thinks that Lucas will look gorgeous no matter what he wears.  How could he not?  He also thinks that if he hears Chloé’s name one more time, he will actually lose it.  But Lucas is happy, at least, and Eliott would do anything for Lucas.  And if Eliott’s being really honest, he’ll admit it’s because he’s head over heels in love with Lucas.

So basically, Eliott’s fucked.

When he arrives at Lucas’ door, he doesn’t even knock on the door before it’s pulled open and Lucas’ face breaks into a smile.  “Eliott,” he breathes, reaching to drag Eliott inside, “I need your help.”

It makes Eliott’s heart melt, and he can’t stop his brain from repeating the image of Lucas’ eyes, because the blue magnified by the dark city lights outside is absolutely beautiful, and Eliott can only stare longingly at the boy holding his hand, platonically.

Does Lucas even know what he does to Eliott?

Lucas drags Eliott toward his room, and motions to the closet which apparently he and Manon have been sharing for a while, considering Lucas now sleeps on the couch.

This isn’t how he imagined seeing Lucas’ room.  He pushes away those thoughts and shakes his head, doing his best to make sure his mind stays blank.  And definitely not consumed with images of Lucas’ eyes magnified in warm light and the soft pink of Lucas’ lips.

“I can’t pick,” Lucas murmurs, staring up at Eliott with those eyes, and Eliott couldn’t resist, not even if he tried.

Eliott steps forward, casually aware of the way Lucas is right beside him, so close that he could feel Lucas’ breath if he angled himself a certain way.  But Eliott blinks, and then opens the closet, rummaging through Lucas’ hoodies and t-shirts and jeans.

Part of him wants to pull out something absolutely horrendous because maybe then Chloé won’t want to date Lucas anymore, but Eliott realizes how messed up that sounds and shakes the thought away from his mind.

No.  He’s going to pick out something wonderful. And Lucas is going to look amazing, because Lucas always does, and then Eliott’s going to go home and mope around while listening to cheesy romance songs.

Eliott hums, pulling out a black coat that Lucas’ stuffed in the back of his closet, and when Eliott turns back to Lucas, Lucas whitens.

“You think that’ll look good?”

Eliott raises an eyebrow.  “How could it not?”

Lucas blushes, fussing with his hoodie sleeves, and when he looks back up at Eliott, he’s smiling and his eyes are so beautiful.

Is Lucas … flustered?  Eliott doesn’t get it, doesn’t want to hope.  He’s confused because Lucas’ going on a date with Chloé, yet it almost seems like maybe he might --

Eliott turns before he can do something he’ll regret and pulls out a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt, and holds them out.  “How about this?” Lucas grabs the clothes, not even caring what he’s picked and rushes off to the bathroom to get changed.

Eliott takes the time to sit down, holding his face in his hands.  Shit.  Lucas is actually going on a date.  Lucas might actually really, really like Chloé, and he’s going to have to watch.  Dimly, he realizes he’s picked out an ensemble in all black, and Eliott thinks glumly that even his woe’s transferred to his sense of fashion.

Lucas returns minutes later, almost shyly, and Eliott’s eyes widen.

Because Lucas looks stunning, actually stunning, and Eliott can’t bring himself to speak.  He feels his brain fog over and for some reason, he can’t get words to come out of his throat.

“That bad?” Lucas jokes, eyes curious and still waiting on Eliott for a response.

Eliott shakes his head and smiles, and it’s so full of warmth because that’s exactly what it feels like whenever he’s with Lucas.  “No.  Not bad.  You,” he searches for words, trying to find something to convey his feelings without making Lucas uncomfortable.  You’re fucking gorgeous.  “You look good.  Really good.”

Lucas blushes and ducks his head before Eliott can decide whether he wants to reach out to fuss with a bit of Lucas’ hair.  

“Okay, okay,” Lucas laughs, and then he finally tilts his head to look up at Eliott.  “Thanks, Eli.”

Eliott nods, breath caught in his throat.  And he nearly forgets to smile.

“I have to go, but I’ll text you tonight, promise!”  And then Lucas is running out the door, and Eliott deflates, smile slipping straight off his face.  Fuck.

Hours later, he’s at his house and staring at his phone when he gets the text from Lucas.

Lucas : hey can u like open the door

Eliott frowns, wandering to his front door.  He widens his eyes when he sees Lucas standing outside with his hands in his pockets, actually shivering.

Eliott pulls the door open without hesitation, and the smile that breaks across Lucas’ face is so full of relief and happiness, and Eliott wishes that this boy felt the same.  If only.

“How’d it go?”  Eliott settles with saying, eyes meeting Lucas’.  And Eliott just knows his gaze is full of jealousy, no matter how much he’s trying to stay supportive.

Lucas shrugs, pushing past Eliott and slumping on the sofa.  “Okay, I guess.  The food was good.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Eliott wanders over to where Lucas is, sitting on the arm of the sofa.

Lucas sighs dramatically.  “Then what are you asking, Eliott?”

Why can’t you love me?

Eliott raises an eyebrow.  “I’m asking how things went with Chloé.”

And okay, maybe when he just said her name he couldn’t help a little bit of bitterness to enter his voice.  Maybe a lot of bitterness, actually.

Lucas folds his hands over his face, stifling a laugh.  “Chloé?”

Eliott frowns.

“It went great, actually.”

And Eliott feels his whole world crumble.  He can’t bring himself to look at Lucas, instead chooses to focus on his breathing and the way he thinks he’ll never love again.  Of course, Lucas wouldn’t be interested in someone like him.  Who would, knowing his history?

But then Lucas is tapping on his shoulder, and Eliott dares look back up.  And Lucas looks like he’s holding in the answer to a joke that only he knows about, and his eyes are sparkling.  Those beautiful blue eyes.

“Want to know why?”

Not really, no, Eliott thinks.  But he shrugs, fiddling with his sleeves.

“It went great,” Lucas actually giggles, folding his hands over his mouth, “because we got her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone.”  He laughs finally, leaning back against the couch.  “Oh my god, Eliott, you should’ve seen his face.  Hilarious.”

Eliott blinks.  “What?”

“What?” Lucas repeats.

“You’re not dating Chloé?”

“Oh,” Lucas smirks, and Eliott wants to actually shake him.  “Did I not tell you?”  Lucas’ eyes are dancing and they’re so blue.  “We’re not dating.”

“Oh,” Eliott says, and he feels the exact moment when his heart starts to beat again.  “I thought this was a date.  Like a real date.”

Lucas laughs, and for a moment he says nothing.  Then he peeks up at Eliott, lips parting before he starts to speak, and he swallows.  “Well, it wasn’t.”  There’s a teasing lilt to his voice as he looks up at Eliott, and there’s a hidden invitation in there somewhere, Eliott thinks.  “Don’t worry.”

There’s a blush racing across Eliott’s cheeks, and when he looks at Lucas he thinks he’s even more in love.  Maybe, maybe --

“So you’re not dating anyone?” Eliott settles with asking, hoping that Lucas will get it.  That maybe he won’t have to actually say it.

“No,” Lucas says simply.

Fuck.  Lucas isn’t letting him have it that easily.

“Are you interested in anyone?” Eliott asks again, and he cringes internally as he realizes how awkward and abrupt it sounds.  Especially coming from him.

Lucas laughs softly, and Eliott thinks Lucas couldn’t get any more beautiful.  “Yes,” Lucas says.

“Oh,” Eliott nearly whispers, and he wants to hope, wants to think that maybe Lucas might be talking about him, but he bites his lip, turning away.  “That’s nice.”

But Lucas reaches out to touch his hand.  “He’s very dumb,” Lucas says, finally.  “I’ve been dropping hints for months, and he hasn’t even asked me out.”

Eliott doesn’t believe it.  He feels his mouth going slack and his eyes widening as he stares at Lucas in what can only be described as wonder.  “How rude,” Eliott manages.

“Yeah,” Lucas nods, growing bolder by the second.  “But he’s cute.  So it’s okay.”

Eliott swallows.  “He’s probably decent looking.”

Lucas glares.  “No.  He’s gorgeous.”

“What type of hints?” Eliott asks, trying to make sure.  “They must not have been very obvious hints.”

Lucas rolls his eyes playfully, shaking his head.  “Did I mention dumb?”

Eliott takes in a breath.  Now or never.  “Can I kiss you?”

Fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Eliott watches as Lucas’ expression turns from absolute shock to disbelief and then happiness, and Lucas nods, nearly shy.   “For fuck's sake, Eliott.  You never even had to ask.”

That’s all Eliott needs.  He crosses the distance between them and pauses, nuzzling his nose against Lucas’.  He’s going cross-eyed because he’s so close to Lucas, looks at Lucas’ eyes that are so blue and his lips, and Lucas smiles, breaking the spell and kissing him.

It’s everything he’s ever wanted.  He thinks he’s more in love with Lucas than ever.

“So we can go on a date now,” Eliott whispers.  “Like a real date?”

Lucas laughs, his hand reaching to wrap around Eliott’s neck to pull him closer.  “You’re so dumb.  Of course, I’d go on a date with you.”

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 15 notes

Ok true crime as in my new addiction is true crime podcasts specifically about serial killers

Back to the session

 After getting a bit of a reality check from durnan about the supposed strength and power of the xanathar guild…

Protected our home w glyphs of warding

Last day of our contract

Spell is set to fade soon

Asyna is feeding ot

Ot looks at asyna like he's a cornered animal

"ot here's some meat"

Why is krystal roasting me about my lover

He wants poison

Ot is calling his jailers idiotic

Oh no aerana might be spilling beans

I really shouldn't be allowed to play games

Because I will always turn to the chaotic evil character

Aerana isn't giving anything up

Theo tells us about the plumbers who came over last night

Aerana is going to typ, rest of party is staking out house

Shifts to watch ot, adam takes front, asyna tower lookout (it's foggy tho so perception check at disadvantage, 9; city looks a little eerie in the fog)

Cel puts immovable rod across cellar door

Ot is suspicious whenever cel comes in

"you cannot fool me xanathar"

Cel making theo a new cloak

Ot asks cel when he'll turn him into dust

The xanathar can turn ppl into dust

Flare ?

Is flare the brain boy ?

I don't like the energy we've created around the word "enlightenment"

Cel rolls 18 insight check

Ot doesn't think cel is cel

Cel is gonna just vibe witth him

"WHEN U SLAY ME I WILL THINK NOTHING BUT HATEFUL THOUGHTS"

Sorry didn't mean caps but too lazy to fix

Everyone else

Adam in front hissing at neighbors and cats, 7

Hears pavement scuffle, someone approaches and reddish gtray beard person w non-descript gray cloak approaches; trench

Doesn't remember cellar and plumbers guild coming by night before

Trench says he can help

Help get bar open

Used to drink there a lot

Gets parchment and quill with ink

Rolls insight to see if bar was only thing he wasd interested in, 13, trench seems v interested

Works in surveillance, protection

Gives him cel and theo's name "5 copper please"

Gets 5

Adam picks his nose

Theo patrols entrances

13 for perception

Overlaps path w adam's

Aerana to typ

Afternoon when there

Similar pattern to those there; frequent patrons

"if I'm making up words, it's not really hitler"

8 perception

Place feels open, not as packed as it usually is

Still feel sensation of cold from the well

Wizard w pointy red hat a regular

You see goliath wizard talking to a dwarven woman

Aerana sees an elven man (bard) w "ugliest guy you've seen in your goddamn life" dom says but only after we point out he looks like legolas, tuning a lute

Sense you've seen him before

The wellllllllllllllllll

It is better told by a bard

Some patrons old and strange, others just like to drink

But ritual in the storytelling

Durnan built

Gwyliam

Talking in elvish

Place formerly not too populated

But one of durnan's ancestors came over to build upon it and discovered the well

Network of tunnels underneath

20 for history check

Familiar with some of what he's saying

Parents would throw you into the undermountain if you were bad

Undermountain = stirs weird memory in your head

Being told as a child stories of undermountain

Deep dark fearsome place

Mt waterdeep wizard came here once named hallister the black cloak

Hallister - ppl don't know where he was from / if he was real but legendary

Brought apprentices trained in magical arts

Tunneled on peak of mt waterdeep

Legend of undermountain could not be verified as truth

Durnan's ancestor came to typ

Climbed into well

"I wouldn't bring this up around him" - doesn't talk abt

When ancestor returned was fabulously rich

Split money with best friend

Built typ

Occasionally engages in ritual of going

No one truly knows what lies in undermountain but there's something there bc some return but most do not

"it might just be the sewer" - "but don't tell anyone I said that"

Differing renditions

Some say durnan was the one with magical powers and killed everyone in there, or more nuanced speaking only of tragedy of those who return who come back fearful or returning with smaller parties; others talk more of hallister and argue over his life; every night a different story

Ask if he knows anyone who's come back

Gestures to half-orc in corner playing variation of solitaire; great celebration when he returned, he came back with riches

He is a regular

21 history check

Undermountain

Familiar name

"Deepest dungeon of them all"

When sewers were built many passages abandoned bc other halls + passages found, many teams from cellars and plumbers guild died during construction of the sewers

Prisoners often thrown into "undermountain"

Says even tho he's here most days there's still stuff he doesn't understand about it; new community reforged every night

At some point durnan talking to wizard and having a conversation which is odd ? Eventually wizard looks at aerana (old man) skinny pointy red hat

Wizard squinting at aerana then turns back to conversation

Try talking to half-orc

Interesting plated beard almost like that on dwarves wrt ornamentation; jewelry running through it

Wiry half-orc

Not skinny but muscled

Weird tattoos covering one side of his face looking like they change a little bit

Balanced a little precariously

Ask if he wants to play a two-person card game bc he's playing solitaire

Ask for his favorite game, Skipper (slapjack)

Dexterity check

5, 20, 10

First round you lose, his fingers have strange looking rings beautiful but rough-worn bands of steel or other heavy metal

Second you win

Third round he takes

"say not many people can beat me in that game"

"luck favors the bold"

In the well

Hell but now look at him can gamble all he wants

City of balder's gate

Large city rough place to grow up

Turned into rough child living on streets

Says his name is Sand

Balder's gate warlords make life difficult so he decided to leave

Was found in youth by someone who turned his anger into smth holy

Ran into thieves and plunderers of forgotten relics, became brother and sister and decided to take on deepest dungeon of them all

Horrible things - asks if you've heard the song

The yawning portal song

Not many people know the full tale

Was taught to be skeptical (it's in his nature or maybe his name)

Not sure how long he was in there or didn't know when he was in there

No light

Tunnels are confusing and without it would've been lost; found room with throne with snakes for arms

Great hallway with ancient trap

Living things also in there; all manner of beasts and creatures; ppl don't come back bc of those

Killed goblins down there but after the things he's seen and after the things he'd had to do could've gone with killing a few more goblins

Advice ? Some will sell maps of what they found or what they think they've seen; anyone can tell u abt beasts down there

Durnan wouldn't lower us down

Durnan doesn’t send ppl to their deaths

Durnan lowers people he deems worthy

Strong brave smart fast bold enough or some combo

But even then not everyone comes back

It's a place of death

Not buying him lunch lmao

Has broken into dangerous old elf dungeons like in the ones up north and would do it again if he could unsee some of the things he saw down in the well

A place of death but things move in the shadows w tombs down there and tunnels for miles hallways great and tall, treasures, beasts keeping it for themselves

Ask about tattoos

Gift from master

The person who saved him in balder's gate

Steeped in magic of shadows

Powerful bc he is strong but qi is stronger still

Aerana gets back home but starts to rain heavily

Ppl still patrolling

Adam

Sees drow ? W purple colored eyes silver-ish hair hiding weapons under his cloak steps up and says "pardon me" and asks if adam's seen a cat

Large cat - would've know if saw it

Adam sends drow to trench

Adam gives him good up and down look, can he see weapons ? Carrying two cinotaurs ??? Sinotaur ???? Adam rolls insight for cat

14, seems like he's talking abt a cat

Heads off to trench

Asyna in watchtower guessing ppl's names

Cel and theo switch

Theo says hi to ot, ot curled up in corner

Whispers "hey ot what's up"

Says he should've gone with his gut on the day theo arrived

"dark elegance" "the way you glided into the room" - ot on theo

Ot says he knows how the xanathar pays theo

"I guess seeing you was a realization of my deepest fear" a fear he couldn't name or place or knew he had but out of the darkness theo stepped forward

"I'm curious . How long do you leave your victims like this"

Ot starts to cry and says he would beg her to keep him in this place

"this voice you're using I find it sweet"

"I just don't want to wake up before the end"

Theo is gonna get him food

"the poor dead tiefling told me yesterday"

7 insight

Theo does not know what's happening

Says the water theo gives him looks real

Looks at the wall drinks some water

"and it tastes real"

We kinda fucked ot up LMAO OOPS

"I know that you don’t have a heart… but if there's any chance that anything I've ever said or thought about you could take root in your soul"

Theo says she'll consider his request

Sits there for a half hour then asks if that's her real name

"nithlur" or smth like that

Nihloor

"where'd you hear that"

In his head lmao

What if this is like

A tapeworm

In his head

"what does knowledge taste like"

Asks if it's a feeling or a thought

Theo says it's a feeling

Ot says whatever knowledge is it's valuable to the right thing

Wonders if he can take a nap

Gonna take a nap

Adam forgot he made ott think he was dead

Aerana is taking over for theo

Adam takes first watch

Perception check, 22

Raining ohp so at disadvantage gotta do it again

New roll, 12

Rain is still falling

Hears a weird noise coming from outside the house

Uses thaumaturgy to boom voice saying "wake up"

Everyone sleeping wakes up

Goes toward sound

Hears weird growling noise

Goes semi-toward noise w pyrotechnics prepared; darkvision does he see anything

Sees shape

It's not the cat

Unfamiliar, looks like it's flying but more like it's floating

Bobbing up and down in air

Creature w large glassy eye and sagging mouth w lots of sharp teeth

Sticking out from form are eyes attached to a slug protruding off it w glassy eyes hanging off it

Intense stench making icky moaning noise

Adam shits his pants

It's big

The size of its mouth is human size

I've been listening to serial killer podcasts all day

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids

gotspoons: [A chatroom/forum situation for teens with invisible illnesses/disabilities, a resource that is recommended when you can't go to IRL groups for your health/they aren't in your area etc] gotspoons: Ticked one whole thing off my to-do list today, feeling like a champ 💪 also feeling like a 2-hour long nap, who here relates? 🥱 tigerbalm: 🖐 took my nap earlier & yet 😴💤 brainpain: 💕🛏 brainpain: long lasting relationship with my memory foam mattress gotspoons: There is NO limit on the number of naps necessary to make it through the day tigerbalm: or the number of abandoned to-do lists, what was your 1 thing? gotspoons: 🚿 looks like breakfast will have to wait tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: @brainpain I have so many memory foam pillows in every room of my house I'm basically a shareholder 🙌 brainpain: @tooexhaustedtolivevicariously same but I've got my fave, I call him Edgar tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👏🙏 thank you for your service, Edgar tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: must name mine, only named the chariot 🦼 Charlton gotspoons: [ihatemyguts has entered the chat] gotspoons: A newbie, welcome! tigerbalm: 👋 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: love the username, what ails ya? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: because this is the only place it's acceptable to ask 'what's WRONG with you?' but not the only place you encounter it, right brainpain: but you don't have to answer cos it's also somewhere where you're encouraged to 'express yourself' translation: be an arsehole if you want brainpain: if you don't go hardcore enough to get blocked brainpain: @fibrofog LMAO tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: the normies get to be rude as their default, and it is NOT encouraged to hit people with your cane, let me tell you ihatemyguts: Hi, everyone ihatemyguts: I'll do my best not to be an arsehole, even if my problem only lie directly above said orifice, which makes it a struggle not to be at times ihatemyguts: UC, first flare totally fucked over the family holiday 😬 sorry to that hotel toilet and my long-suffering parents and brother brainpain: newbie got jokes AND comedy timing ihatemyguts: 🚽 humour isn't all I have, I swear, though my life now does revolve entirely around the porcelain throne so it's no surprise I'm anally expulsive, thanks to Freud for that read tigerbalm: Freud's the perv, am I right? ihatemyguts: Totally ihatemyguts: and a big believer in the cocaine cure-all, which my Doctor just wasn't going for, shame tigerbalm: sounds like my sleazy uncle in every way tigerbalm: why does everybody get one? gotspoons: 😂 This chat is worth keeping my eyes open for gotspoons: every family is a play, and we're destined to be the 'sick kid' part gotspoons: other players react accordingly, from the 'can't look at you without crying' to the 'thinks you're making it up for some reason' brainpain: I vote we all go off script like @fibrofog 🤬🚨👿���️ ihatemyguts: I guess I'm lucky in the sense that if anyone doubts the legitimacy of my illness, I can offer to show them the contents of my stomach/toilet bowl ihatemyguts: that shuts them up relatively fast, not had to go full 🐒 and throw it at anyone yet ihatemyguts: though I'm intrigued by the infamous @fibrofog, who are they, where, and why the infamy? Fill a girl in brainpain: the myth, the legend brainpain: so angry cos I turned 'em down for a romantic rendezvous ihatemyguts: No way! ihatemyguts: I'm glad that napping isn't the only action the memory foam is getting ihatemyguts: we're just like any other teens, right guys? 💁 tigerbalm: @brainpain you know the rules, fedora pics or it didn't happen! tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you know what they say about disabled chicks, grateful 😉 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: #dontkillmeladies #iamnotasleazyuncle tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: don't think Mr. Fog was even a legit 🥄 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: total predator tigerbalm: if it was my uncle I'm SO sorry 😂 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: family who piggyback are THE worst tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: no, MY disability doesn't make YOU automatically WOKE for not drowning me in the tub or throwing me off the nearest high place I can access ihatemyguts: Honestly, I've never felt as simultaneously popular and unpopular in my life ihatemyguts: people 💬 a big acceptance game on the socials ihatemyguts: but no one wants to actually hang with the girl who can't eat shit and will spend half her time in the 🚽 gotspoons: Everyone's supportive until your disability gets in the way of THEIR perfect life even slightly gotspoons: imagine if they were one of us 👽 brainpain: speak for yourselves, my slurred speech makes me a hit with all my hard partying peers brainpain: get weird without a 🍹 ihatemyguts: hey man, don't let us drag you down 😎 ihatemyguts: if @fibrofog was feeling you, you're WAY too cool for this chat right now brainpain: never have, never will, baby 😉 brainpain: [inandout has entered the chat] gotspoons: OH MY GOD, that's a whole different story...my parents = you need to socialize more, live life! my parents = I don't know if this group is good for you, we think you're being encouraged to display and give in to even more problems gotspoons: thanks guys, you're literally making me more disabled with your disabledness 😂 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It is a cult, well-known fact, leave your productiveness to society at the door and let's all lie here and feel sorry for ourselves, doesn't that sound like fun, kids? 😈 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and 👋 sup, inandout, not seen you in a while tigerbalm: my parents act like y'all are catching too! Would you like to cage me like a legit 🐅 or? inandout: baited breath inandout: out living that life like @gotspoons parents want tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It'll be the Olympics next tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 🥇 Hero status with the normies, inspirational, dude inandout: if it'll make adults I've never met proud of me ihatemyguts: I can't believe I've not checked if I'm disabled enough for the paras, oh my God ihatemyguts: are there enough of us for a basketball team? brainpain: if ONLY my former lover were here brainpain: he's gotta be so tall ihatemyguts: Pining for @fibrofog is productive, yeah? ihatemyguts: can pine from my throne just fine brainpain: hands off newbie! I will throw mine brainpain: LOL imagine gotspoons: This group has always had a bias towards too many girls gotspoons: it's almost as if even disabled boys don't wanna talk about their feelings gotspoons: what say you @tooexhaustedtolivevicariously and @inandout? 🤔🤴🤴 inandout: I'd bring friends but you know us CF kids aren't allowed to congregate inandout: and what could I possibly have in common with someone who doesn't share my disease ihatemyguts: So, what is the deal with that, are some of us catching? ihatemyguts: 🐅 parents might have legit concerns inandout: cross infectious but only if you've got what's got me inandout: none of you do so you'll need another reason to turn down hanging out in person tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: my fedora is in the wash? inandout: Fibro could easily say it's my jewishness brainpain: but it's your hunkiness, babe 💪😉 inandout: I'd whistle back at you, Lauren but.... inandout: let's just say you leave me breathless tigerbalm: No names, Zach tigerbalm: it's like a rule ihatemyguts: uh-oh ihatemyguts: if you had a name, Tiger, in theory, like ihatemyguts: 🧐 tigerbalm: Robyn ihatemyguts: Pretty, you others may as well just come out with it now ihatemyguts: even if I'm a massive perv with mad hacking and tracking skills, I pinky promise I won't be able to find you from your given name alone brainpain: give us yours, newbie ihatemyguts: I will, but you'll think I'm giving you a fake one ihatemyguts: it's the gift and curse bestowed upon me at birth, along with potentially dodgy genetics brainpain: your life is 💩 brainpain: but still ihatemyguts: Zelda ihatemyguts: a reference I'm sure you won't get, 'cos you're so 😎 brainpain: I game, the stream was fibros fave hunting ground brainpain: no 💩 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Turns out being a nerd is way easy from the relative (barely but beats death, yeah?) comfort of the memory foam tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and Rich 👍 only in name, destitute until my next pittance comes in tigerbalm: she's not supposed to 🎮 -headaches -dizziness -light & sound sensitivity but she's a REBEL brainpain: 👌 MOM maybe I'd love a seizure, what do you know? ihatemyguts: I respect it ihatemyguts: gonna be fondly reminiscing over all those dirty, evil trigger foods when they're resecting my bowel 🖕🚔 brainpain: I had a life before I had a TBI, no offense to 👶 Zach inandout: none taken gotspoons: You're all being bad and I cannot support it 🤐😜 gotspoons: and I'm Rosie, I will just 😴 out on you all the time and yes, it's a fantastic excuse for when you don't wanna respond ihatemyguts: I'll commit all of those to memory in a normal, non-creepy manner ihatemyguts: but whilst I'm allowed to be a n00b, what do you all do for school? brainpain: I was nearly done before 🤯 which got me my pity pass ihatemyguts: pity with a point, at least, alright tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'm waiting to start uni, absolutely no thanks to my school and their totally ableist refusal to make reasonable adjustments for accessibility tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but fedora or not, I can be a real arsehole, a loud, persistent one at that tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: take my applause now brainpain: 😍 brainpain: take my 💘 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: as long as it's not heavy, m'lady brainpain: you could 💔 brainpain: hold the pieces tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 🧠 just isn't poetic enough brainpain: you know me gotspoons: you guys are so cute 🥰 and your broken brain is beautiful, Lauren gotspoons: me though, I'm barely struggling through school still, so many sick days, so much catching up to do 🥱 just thinking about it and therein lies the problem tigerbalm: my parents are trying to get online classes set up but my headteacher is like a million years old inandout: is he a demon? inandout: that was some scary fiction brainpain: or was it? brainpain: cue up those sound effects tigerbalm: if we're gonna talk about hypnosis, I'm out ihatemyguts: that was some serious creepy uncle vibes ihatemyguts: why did he need that level of control ihatemyguts: 🐘 in the room tigerbalm: I have a hippie cousin too, alternative therapy talk is so triggering ihatemyguts: I need a memoir re. your family sitch immediately 😂 ihatemyguts: you get the food purists coming @ me as if I just eat the right thing I'd be 'cured' tigerbalm: I'm working on a screenplay but I've never written a script before, I did find an online class for that easily though ihatemyguts: that's actually 😎 ihatemyguts: soz, Lauren brainpain: she's our lil busy 🐝 brainpain: step your game up, Zachary brainpain: supposed to be you, bro inandout: let Robbie have it, she has more sick days to fill up ihatemyguts: always have your 🥇 inandout: I can pin it on like a star when I got to school with the masses inandout: let them know I'm not what normal looks like ihatemyguts: only the others like you need to have the scoop on that though ihatemyguts: really fucks with the segregation in a big way inandout: “I feel like someone breathed new air into my lungs. I am not Abnegation. I am not Dauntless. I am Divergent.” ihatemyguts: Tattoo idea inandout: if I make it to 18, I'll do it ihatemyguts: how long you given yourself there? inandout: I turned 14 in may, the party was a full blown rager inandout: 🏥🎂 ihatemyguts: you like ruining events too? ihatemyguts: what a coincidence, don't just do family holidays inandout: if I can't blow up 🎈 nobody can ihatemyguts: 🥳 smug bastard inandout: I find that party blower offensive inandout: Rosie! That's a strike for the new girl ihatemyguts: Come to me when it's as culturally iconic as 💩 ihatemyguts: my next (first) tattoo right there inandout: how long are you waiting for that masterpiece? ihatemyguts: was 14 in March ihatemyguts: if we both make it, it's a date inandout: cool inandout: way I'm going that'll be my first one brainpain: now I feel like a pervy OLD uncle brainpain: thank you 👶s ihatemyguts: Lemme guess? ihatemyguts: I'm thinking 19 brainpain: spooky brainpain: I'm an Aquarius if anyone cares ihatemyguts: our 🌟s aligning might be too close to alternative for comfort tigerbalm: I'm a cancer, which is awkward tigerbalm: not my diagnosis ihatemyguts: at least it's memorable ihatemyguts: literally tacked on at the end, who's remembering 🎣 tigerbalm: I hope my 16th will be, for the right reasons tigerbalm: I've still got 5 months left to plan ihatemyguts: 🤞🤞🤞 tigerbalm: I'll add your name, the others know they're all invited ihatemyguts: that's so nice ihatemyguts: considering this introduction has given away nothing if not I am a terrible guest brainpain: another chat about online safety, Robyn, REALLY? 😏 brainpain: did my failed romance teach you nothing? ihatemyguts: if that isn't a challenge to send a photo and make you feel really weird ihatemyguts: why are we anon anyway, to stop us uprising? ihatemyguts: metaphorically if not literally, no offense xoxo brainpain: f it brainpain: I need you all to sign up to my stream to pay my bills anyways brainpain: [a selfie] ihatemyguts: @fibrofog, I get it brainpain: don't flock to tell me how sexy I am, that'd make it weird brainpain: plus, I know tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I picked an awkward time to check back in tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie falls asleep and anarchy reigns? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'm proud brainpain: 💔 YOU haven't showered me with compliments, but hey tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: if I made it that easy you'd never be 💘 brainpain: 😩 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: to save any of the rest of you following such a hard act tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: [pic] tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's old but still a rough estimation of what I look like on a good day brainpain: 😍 brainpain: You're up, girl Z ihatemyguts: if you're all good looking though, I'm so mad ihatemyguts: [a selfie] ihatemyguts: 💩 inandout: I'm not good looking, I'll go next inandout: besides, Robbie would never bow to peer pressure and Rosie is out for the count inandout: [a selfie] tigerbalm: I am 🙀 tigerbalm: but everyone else has tigerbalm: [the shyest selfie of all time] ihatemyguts: 😻😻😻 ihatemyguts: seriously ihatemyguts: representation done us dirty on so many levels now ihatemyguts: when we're not invisible, why we not so gorgeous tigerbalm: there should be a blushing 😸 tigerbalm: that's the representation I need ihatemyguts: Call me out all you need but I was convinced this whole thing would be a lot more tragic than it has been inandout: tragic Tuesdays are a thing brainpain: no they are f-ing not brainpain: Zachary, just cos the new girl's in your age bracket + shares your 1st initial brainpain: she is not corruptible to you inandout: check us on our date, Lauren inandout: but watch your profanity brainpain: watch me give you a DIY lung transplant gotspoons: Excuse me gotspoons: what is going on here brainpain: nothing babe, it's all a dream gotspoons: 😖 gotspoons: if it was, none of you would be here gotspoons: sorry to say brainpain: we love you too brainpain: hit us with that sleepy selfie gotspoons: You know we aren't meant to give out personal info in the public forum gotspoons: if you choose to privately, that's okay though gotspoons: also I don't look any better for my shower now 🥴🤫 brainpain: you're a hottie gotspoons: 😘 gotspoons: well, my blog IS going to be featured on [insert disability awareness news moment] next month, so it isn't as if you couldn't find 🖼 if you really wanted gotspoons: [photo] tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Congrats, Ro tigerbalm: a genuine 👏👏👏 tigerbalm: I love your blog gotspoons: Ty, ty 🙇 gotspoons: it's the same as my username, if you wanna check it out, newbie 😄 brainpain: but have you been on the news for being the victim of a violent crime? 😏 just me LOL inandout: Lauren's trading on her fame again inandout: let Rosie have her moment ihatemyguts: pass along all relevant info and I'll 🤓 right up brainpain: @inandout 🍒😃💩👅 brainpain: enjoy the profanity, bro inandout: today's highlight tigerbalm: Zelda could take offence at that, Zach tigerbalm: I think it was nice to meet her ihatemyguts: Not at all ihatemyguts: though it's cultural appropriation to use that emoji without my permission, I'll let it slide 😉 ihatemyguts: nice meeting you all too tigerbalm: I really am gonna have to tell you about my family now ihatemyguts: All I wanted, tbh tigerbalm: everyone else knows this but my parents are white Americans & they adopted me and my brothers who are Native and African American respectively tigerbalm: & you saw me, the Korean girl so ihatemyguts: Ohh tigerbalm: it sounds like a show that should air on ABC family, right? tigerbalm: hella awkward ihatemyguts: I'm brainstorming (p. sure we're not meant to say that, soz) titles rn ihatemyguts: inappropriate question alert, verbal smackdowns appreciated if needed ihatemyguts: did they adopt you knowing you were disabled or is that a new development? tigerbalm: I was gonna call it building bridges but we can't really say that the USA has wronged Korea like the other nations tigerbalm: though they did adopt me knowing so maybe it still works 😄 ihatemyguts: it's got legs tigerbalm: 🦿 ihatemyguts: Ugh, must dash ihatemyguts: 🩸💉s tigerbalm: best of luck ihatemyguts: 💕 total pro by now 💪 brainpain: if I don't 👀 you on my stream I'll 🔎 you here in the forums inandout: a threatening goodbye inandout: can't compete tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👋 Hope to see you back here, Zelda tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: though you wouldn't be the first person to 👻 after dropping in, so no pressure, @Lauren gotspoons: but actually, we're always here, some of us more than others, but you'll always find someone to chat to about the things you can't with non-spoonies ihatemyguts: ✌

[topazadine]

tbh I think of the three Kiwame trainings I’ve written about, Uguisumaru’s is the most personal and the most meaningful. 

For some stupid reason I’ve headcanoned him as having fibromyalgia, which I’ve been suffering with for ten years now. (Gotta foist my misery off on someone, ya know!) It makes sense in a way, because the medical industry knows fuck-all about fibromyalgia, but they’re pretty sure it’s related to trauma: basically your body is like “MY BRAIN HURTS SO NOW MY BODY WILL TOO LMAO” If you live for a thousand years, you’re gonna pick up some trauma along the way, and eventually it’ll catch up to you.

One way to help with fibromyalgia symptoms is psychotherapy: you have to let out what’s hurting you, and it helps to let out the pain in your body too. Of course, it’s not perfect, and it doesn’t cure it - fibromyalgia is chronic and can come back at any time - but I can speak from experience when I say that it does help a lot. I went from having to use a cane 24/7, from being not being able to manage a flight of stairs on some days, to being pretty okay. 

I’m not a marathon runner now or anything, and I still have pain most days, but it’s manageable pain. It went from “I can think of nothing else but my pain all of the time, no matter what I’m doing or where I am” to “I can feel the pain, but I can focus on other things; I can sleep; I can take my dogs for a walk when I feel like it.” For the longest time I had such bad fibro fog that I couldn’t write anything, couldn’t think about anything, couldn’t focus on anything, but now I’m writing EVERY SINGLE DAY! The thing I love the most in the world came back to me and now I just have all these stories in me begging to be let out.

My quality of life skyrocketed and it’s stayed that way for a long time, long after I stopped seing a therapist. The medications I tried did fuck-all for me - but the therapy did a whole hell of a lot.

And of course, I don’t think psychotherapy is included in the citadel’s health insurance plan (aka Yagen). So for all these years Uguisumaru was hurting without knowing why, but then he was forced to confront that trauma, and as if by magic (it really does feel like magic tbh) he feels ... okay again. Not perfect, not cured, but okay. It doesn’t make sense to him, and he can’t understand why just thinking about things can release pain, but it does, and it’s so reaffirming. He feels like he has value again because he can do more and be more for those he loves. 

That, of course, just makes him feel even better, because now he feels like he has purpose, and having hope and purpose can be healing in and of itself. So he goes from being wracked with pain, able to do little else but sit around on the veranda, to being helpful to others, to feeling confident, to feeling good. To feeling truly happy for the first time in a thousand years.

It’s not a fix-it, it’s not a cure-all, but it’s something. And when you’re in so much pain for so much of the time and for long, that is enough.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#2

I took 100 around 5ish cause my grandma came over and I thought I seemed off cause I wasn't being as bubbly as usual. It did help some. I wanted more but it was purely for that purpose and i didn't want to risk them noticing I was high. I also talked out an ongoing problem between me and my best friend. It was really good actually. But we did touch on some shit with differences between how she treats me now and how she was before and it's got me feeling. Hurt. Ngl. Really hurt. So to avoid crying the whole night I'm going to be taking 300-400 so I have a harder time thinking on it

AFTERMATH

I ended up taking 350. Well. 350 cause I'm not counting the 100 I took earlier in the day. That was for the most part nonexistent by the time I got to taking the bulk of it. I was planning on keeping to the lowest amount possible so I started with 150 and took 100 more as I thought it was needed. Though uh. I ended up crying anyway so plan didn't work out amazingly. Just like.. I hate that while her and her girlfriend are happy and they got what they wanted I'm still longing for something I can't have you know? I'm sure she doesn't even miss the days of us talking 24/7 cause she can just fill that with her partner but me? I can't. It's never as fun with anyone else.

Uh. Well I think that should go into notes but. Whatever that's there now lol

Right now I'm feeling kinda lightheaded and loose. I feel like I'm just like. Flopping over the place. And I'm tired. Not super tired but. I could definitely stay in bed all day if I really wanted to. My heart's been a little sore these last few days too actually. It was a lot worse yesterday before I started taking more but now it's not that bad. It's like.. semi hurting now but not really. And uh I dunno how to explain it but like. I feel like it's not like it ain't even beating really. Not to say it should be pounding or anything. I know that ain't great either. But I can't feel it at alllll. I wonder if that means something

Talking is kinda hard. The wittier part of my speaking is lowkey gone for the moment. Everything is a little slower mentally so by the time I think of something it's already onto the next thing. Ig? Prolly not the best description

I am real sleepy and I feel kinda out of it. I'm sure its cause of the jump from my max doses being like 200 lately and just skipping straight to 350. That and I drunk a monster with it so.. doesn't help lmao. I'm gonna be resisting the urge for more for the time being cause this state is really annoying and I don't want to risk going back to sleeping all day and only waking up for more pills

This is a afterthought I wrote the aftermath at around 2ish and it's now 6. I'm still pretty okay with not getting high tonight as the stress of thinking about all that mess and crying had triggered some depersonalization. Well. I call it brain fog.

It's not uncommon for me tbh. Even before I got back to benadryl I did this. Ig it's just my brains way of keeping me from stressing/crying endlessly on shit that won't change. I mean... it works. I can't really think period when I'm like this. I don't know how to describe it.

It's like I'm here in person and I know how to get through all the basic shit I do in a day, but me as a person isn't there. Like. Most conversations I'll have I will pretty much parrot things I'd usually say in that situation. Though it's really hard once it goes outside of shit I've already said or heard about in the past cause thinking up specific responses is really difficult. It takes me a lot longer and requires a lot of focus. So usually I just avoid speaking where I can when I'm like this.

But that being said me being basically a shell of myself for the moment I don't think it'd be a good idea to mix a deliriant into it. I don't hallucinate when I'm on it or anything but it does make thinking harder. So it really wouldn't make any sense to mix my already barely thinking brain with pills that also make it hard to think.

It's been okay today. The brain fog has stopped me from being so upset about how things worked out and my perception of time is gone so today has been breezing by. I kinda want to take a nap tho

NOTES/EMOTIONAL SHIT

Lots of shit just happened all at once. Stepped in dog piss soon as I woke up and discovered that she also shit right next to my bed. This ofc wss after barely getting any sleep. And I also have 4 first degree burns on my lip so that's fun. This is on top of me catching my fucking shirt on fire yesterday. I already wanted to bury myself and cry

It really didn't help that we had company today. I just wanted to get high and sleep but I had to pretend like I was happy and excited. Which led me to take that first dose

Uh now it is. Semi better. I was having some issue with my bsf feeling distant lately but we talked it out and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm glad me and her were able to get everything out without it being an argument. It's a real rarity sometimes you know? I feel like for most it has to hit the fan where talking about it is unavoidable and I guess it semi did. But I dunno like. We just casually were talking about stuff and it made me feel really happy.

But even with that being said it did come up how she treats me vs how she did. And she did bring uo that her girlfriend wasn't comfortable with how we were before and it's like. A flip switched for her. I dunno if she says it cause she know she's supposed to or if she means it but either way. It stings a lot. On one hand I'm really happy that she's so upfront and blunt about it now. It makes things a lot less confusing. It still kinda is but. Nowhere near as much. And I love that she just lays it out instead of like. Hopscotching over it like I feel like everyone else does. But seeing how different she treats me and how vocal she is about her girlfriend now being her first choice over me just. Really hurts. I dunno how to word it so she doesn't sound like an ass. Cause she's in the right entirely. And I'm glad as long as she's glad I prefer that she just makes thing black and white as possible. But it just. Really sucks that I got dropped just like that. And I'm sitting here feeling the same way I have for a... looong time now while she's completely moved on from it and calls her girlfriend her wife

It makes me feel really bitter towards her at times. Cause on one hand, its really frustrating that she had to tell her girlfriend that she'd treat her like she treated me. So she KNOWS it was good and she knows we had fun and she's just. That part of our friendship is just gone now for me. I hate it. It makes me so angry. Why couldn't I be enough you know? And why did i get the short end of the stick? Theyre both happy now and im stuck here holding back tears just reminiscing on the past. And it makes me even more frustrated that im just. On my own on that stuff. I can't talk to her about it and I really don't want anyone else in that way. The thought of replacing her is. Nonexistent.

Yeah uh. I dunno. I won't tell her any of this cause she feels guilty enough for retracting her feelings for me after I've already fell for her and shit but. It just. I wish things were different. I want her to be happy but I wish I could be happy as a result of it too. And I feel so horrible at times. There's days i get so jealous I wish that her girlfriend would just. Evaporate. I just want things to be back to how they were. I miss it so much.

There's this small hope that me showing that I won't like. Hate her for this and I continue being just as good of a friend to her as I always have, maybe if someday things don't work out she'll see me. But then it makes me wonder. Am I okay being her second choice? Is that really being the second choice anyway? But I feel bad for even thinking that. I want her to be happy and I know if things go wrong between her and her girlfriend she's gonna be crushed.

i just hate that thought things were mutual and she said it wss. Then completely flipped the script and left me here on my own. This is my very first love and it's just. Wild. That I'm navigating it on my own. And I feel stupid honestly. I've only been on one relationship in my life and I thought that was love cause I was so tore up about it for so long. Tho as i got older i saw more and more that our relationship was nothing but me being emotional support for him. But now that I'm seeing what it actually is I just. I hate it. It felt. Magical. When I thought things would work out in the way I thought it would. But as more and more time goes on I feel like I'm golfing onto something that doeent exist anymore and it makes me feel like an idiot. Why do I keep misreading things this hard? Why am i always left on my own by then end of it? And it makes me not want this sort of thing period. I couldn't imagine how badly I'd hurr off of losing someone that actually did love me in that way but loses the feelings within the relationship. I don't want to experience anything near this hurt again. It's so confusing and I feel so lost

Sigh. I swear. Whenever this whole love shit comes up I ramble so much. It's never fully satisfying. I always feel like I'm not expressing things correctly and it frustrates me so much. I just want to cry and go to sleep. And atp. I'm tired of writing about it. I just don't want to think anymore.

[romyshq-blog]

hello lovely people! i’m cathy and i’m super excited to be here with my trash bby, slater. she's messy, so i hope she fits in here!  if u need an enemy, messy ex situation or contemptuous ex-friendship connection, look no further than this bish right here. under the cut you can read about her (she’s a hot mess!!!) and visit her pinterest board here if u’d like (her name is usually rachel but i decided to go wildt and change it *sweats nervously because i actually hate change*). 

( MARGARET QUALLEY / CISFEMALE / SHE/HER ). [ ROMY SLATER ] is a [ TWENTY-ONE ] year old [ UNDERGRAD ] student studying [ JOURNALISM ]. they are known for being [ RESILIENT & PERCEPTIVE ], but also being [ CAPRICIOUS & CONTEMPTIBLE ]. if there was a song that described their life, it would be [ ACRYLIC BY FOG LAKE ].

first thing’s first, you should call her slater. in fact, unless you’re in one of her classes where they take attendance, you probably don’t know her real name is romy. she hates her name and has been going by her last name for as long as she can remember. 

she’s from new york. her dad is very demanding and tempered and her mom is carping, cold and judgmental. so she didn’t grow up in a great situation. 

her dad owns a bunch of properties in the city and in new jersey and they’ve made him very wealthy. they’re mostly crap apartments, motels & strip clubs. he has a lot of criminal ties and is pretty much just a creep.

he has a lot of cops, district attorneys, city council members, deputy mayors etc. on his payroll from bribery and/or blackmail stemming from his strip clubs and the dancers and prostitutes who work there. not to mention his mob affiliation. sooo basically he’s teflon. 

slater’s mom is a social climber who won’t leave her husband despite him being….Not Nice™ since she wants to live lavishly. she’s long island trash...very real housewives

her mom is very selfish and refuses to take any responsibility for the way her life choices have fucked up her daughter while also constantly criticizing slater and her behaviors as if slater just…made herself into the person she is today?? and wasn’t molded by her parents and environment, ya know??

anyway, slater’s mom used to pharmacy shop and put slater on drugs to curb her justified behaviors. like having anxiety due to growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive situation. but she also did it to have slater basically labeled as “mentally ill” and on meds to keep her quiet about their family secrets. so slater has always felt like she’s messed up, even as a kid :///

slater still sees her parents occasionally on breaks and holidays and you can expect her to act out in interesting ways after being forced to go home. 

personality; 

sO! if slater had a label or trope or whatever, she’d totally be the anti-heroine. ya know, the girl who does fucked up shit and can be amoral and you want to hate her but she’s also sympathetic in a way and good (deep down). 

warning: she’s a messy girl to be involved with. she’s got this emptiness inside of her. a hollowness. (hint; it’s depression). she uses anything she can to try and fill it up. drinking, drugs, sex. but she’s incredibly selfish & impulsive in her pursuits and ends up hurting people. a lot. and she always hates herself after but then just does it again.

she’s not a sociopath or narcissist in a clinical sense. she’s actually an insecure, self-conscious ball of anxiety but pushes all that down and plays the Cool Girl role. she does things she knows are wrong and can be a manipulative bitch. then it all eventually bubbles over like a pot on a stove, and paired with the guilt she feels, it causes a few public and many private meltdowns. but she's usually always the source of her own interpersonal issues tbh.

like, you can confront her with receipts of shit she’s done and she’ll just nod and stare at the ground and walk away. but then go into the nearest public bathroom and sob and feel so bad. but then??? still?? never??? apologize???? she’s a trip. 

her aesthetic is uncombed hair, scuffed docs, flannels, torn jeans, tshirts from goodwill with moth holes. doesn’t shower or sleep often and chews her fingernails into stubs. like, she almost makes it a point to just look...Bad.

she gets really good grades because she can be very manic and intense. people in her high school used to tell her she had “crazy eyes” when she got like this because she gets very focused, perfectionistic, talks a mile a minute and you can practically see the gears turning in her brain. she works well under extreme stress, which is why most of her papers are typed up the night before their due date on five cups of coffee and a half pack of cigarettes. 

perceptive of others and can be manipulative and a liar to either a. get what she wants or b. hide her transgressions. she was raised by narcissists so....this is what ya get.

she’s complicated. because on one hand, she wants to be a good person but on the other hand, she fucks people over and betrays people a lot. 

i actually have a headcanon of how she lost her core group of high school friends that’s a good insight into her M.O. if you'd like to hear it:

so senior year slater got drunk and slept with her best friend alyssa’s boyfriend. she didn’t do it to be malicious. but she was too selfish, drunk & thinking about herself to care about how fucked up it was. she felt so bad about it but then caved and did it again and they had an affair. slater eventually broke it off, bottled up her guilt, continued the friendship with alyssa.

soon after, alyssa got pregnant by the same boyfriend. slater knew that alyssa’s bf was trash and supported her friend through an abortion.

but THEN, the boyfriend came clean and admitted the affair long after the fact. so alyssa thought slater supported her abortion for selfish gains because SHE wanted her boyfriend and (rightfully) felt betrayed. when in actuality, slater had long since stopped fucking him and only wanted what was best for alyssa when she supported her through the abortion. SO she did a bad thing in the past but still had good intentions. however, the past came back to bite her and she lost everything. don't get me wrong, she's not the victim in this situation. she fucked up. but not in the way her friends thought. so when she held her best friend's hand in the procedure, that came from a real place of love and she thought she was doing the right thing. however, she did do unforgivable things to the friend she loved. like i said, she's complicated because you can't outright say she's a soulless monster but you also can't justify or support her actions. 

YEAH! that’s my messy slater. she can never make it out of a situation as the good guy. she makes mistakes that are unjustifiable but she has a good heart and isn’t a horrible person inside. she doesn’t know why she is the way she is but she hates it tbh. she hates the things she does and the way she feels. but she just!!! keeps!!! fucking people over!!!! like, there’s no sugarcoating it: she’s done some terrible things for awful reasons and never apologized for any of it. but she regrets. she just can’t seem to break the cycle. (she's v much inspired by rachel goldberg from unreal as well as gretchen cutler from you're the worst, mickey dobbs from love, camille preaker from sharp objects and mavis gary from the film young adult!!)

plots;

i’m a HOE for drama, as you can probably tell my my angsty, messy character.

so maybe ex-boyfriends on bad terms or ex-friends. someone slater fucked over n won’t take responsibility for what she did

OR someone who fucked slater over for a change. taste of her own medicine tbh

maybe someone naive and innocent she can corrupt since misery loves company

childhood friends or enemies, family friends, a cousin maybe? characters with criminal connects who maybe know her dad??

fellow journalism majors that hate her for giving journalism a bad name cuz they’re actually dedicated to journalism and integrity n slater sleeps with sources and barely ever shows up or turns things in on time lmao

a professor she’s fucking lol idk 

someone who can see her at her worst. 

someone who’s innocent and good and slater actually tries to protect them, like a sisterly bond

trouble-maker, burnout friends. or toxic friendships

friends with benefits 

[pharawee]

Tell me about Ainle :]]]] where did he get his scar? How does he feel about the whole onomatophobia thing when he's actually a triple agent and (I'm assuming) loyal to the Republic anyway? Also, what does he think about bounty hunters? Mirialan ones in particular? They're pretty cool, right? Asking for a friend.

:)))))

Okay this is going to be cheesy but pls bear with me.

Also, this is Ainle (he just loves working with Kaliyo, can you tell?).

He’s a medic with a stealth genereator and a sharp knife and also obviously an Imperial agent lmao

1. So the thing about his scars: See, what they (meaning very concerned and understanding Imperial doctors and delegates) tell him after he wakes up from his very (!) prolonged stay in a kolto tank is that a Jedi gave him those scars. Which makes sense, I guess, when you come to in an Imperial care facility and there’s lightsaber burns all over your face. A miracle, they call it. It’s also left Ainle with some minor neurological damage, hence the implants. But hey, since Ainle’s a hero of the Empire now and, really, such a loyal citizen (who’s suffered at the hands of the vile Republic and also, oh no, his immediate family’s dead too, how awful!) they’ve outfitted him with their most advanced tech. He’s an investment now, suited perfectly to Imperial Intelligence. Such an honour! Ainle doesn’t really hesitate before he accepts their proposal. The decision seems like a no-brainer to him.

Was his hair always this colour though? He can’t really remember (longterm memory loss caused by brain damage, no doubt!). Must be an effect of the kolto, the doctors assure him. That, and the trauma caused by the Jedi. How monstrous!

2. Triple agents and keywords: Have you ever dissociated from your own decisions to a point where everything seems like you’re on autopilot? Ainle’s really, really good at this - and every so often it makes him wonder. He’s an Imperial, of course (so they tell him) but things just seem off and he can’t put a finger on it until his house of cards comes crashing down with Ardun Kothe. It’s not like he suddenly remembers stuff. Nope, his life before the kolto tank remains a blank canvas. But things just really, really feel wrong until in some ways they don’t and it’s as if the fog is lifted from his thoughts. Sure, the keyword makes him perform like a well-trained monkey-lizard but in other ways, in all the ways that count, he’s suddenly a person again. 

It’s probably because all of the extra brain damage (ta very much!) fucks majorly with his reconditioning. Oops, turns out there’s such a thing as too much brainwashing. Maybe Hunter should have dug a little bit deeper before fucking up Imperial Intelligence’s most promising science experiment. Of course the whole thing only really falls into place once Ainle steals his personal file and it contains not only his name but that of a Corellian SIS agent named Lain Kota who’s presumed KIA by the Sith. Must have slashed him up pretty good before Imperial Intelligence scraped what’s left of him off the Sith Lord’s boot for in-depth interrogation.

So yeah, turns out Ainle’s really a twice-brainwashed SIS agent currently brainwashed by the SIS. Which sucks. I mean, really majorly sucks. And he’s done some stuff, like probably spilling all the SIS’ secrets before they reprogrammed him. Oh, and all of the stuff he did while believing himself to be a loyal Imperial spy. Then there’s the fact that if he’s learnt anything it’s that the Republic’s really almost as bad as the Empire - they’re just better at lying to each other about it. So once he’s free of the keyword he does what he can to help the galaxy. It’s not like he’s got anything better to do. 

3. Mirialan bounty hunters & chill: So. Bounty Hunters are free agents, right? You can hire them to hunt down your enemies etc. They make for really valuable assets (if you know what I mean). Under no circumstances has Ainle ever considered hiring a specific Mirialan bounty hunter to “help him out” with the odd objective. Especially not to just admire his prowess and physique. No, that’d be unprofessional. Say, can bounty hunters be paid in drinks?

[b00bstone]

All the even numbers!

thats a lot. and 72 was repeated twice but i had to renumber them since i copied and pasted adn forgot it was repeated. but anyway. 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

mostly shy i think but i can be outgoing if im comfortable. 

4 Are you easy to get along with?

not really. i can be quite moody. and i unfortunately have a short temper (which im trying to work on) and im depressed adn suicidal so i think the answer is no. 

6 What kind of people are you attracted to?

smart funny ones. 

8Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my friend the nerd because i was talking to them and my friend rabbit earlier. 

10Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist since we talked just earlier today.

12What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

1.awkward by hailey knox

2 beautiful girl by sara barielles 

3. plot twist by sigrid

4 waving through a window from dear evan hansen 

and 5. dissapear also from dear evan hansen.

14Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah but my luck is shitty and miracles happen to other people. so basically yes but not for me lmao

16Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah. if she were down. but like shes really straight. so i doubt she would be.

18Do you still talk to your first crush?

occasionally. hes a dick now tho. fraternity guy. and voted for trump.

20Do you like your neighbors?

well the ones i know are pretty cool. 

22Where would you like to travel?

narnia. one of those planets they discovered that are super far away but similar to earth. but like on this planet? probs travel around europe. 

24Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to bed. 

26What do you do when you wake up?

lie there and try to go back to sleep. 

28Who are you most comfortable around?

probs my friend rabbit.

30Do you ever want to get married?

one day yeah. but only if i find the right person u know. 

32Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

oohhhh ummm hmmm. chris pratt. aubrey plaza and john boyega. i feel like aubrey would bring a sarcastic element which would help with the pressure and nervousness and john and chris. well u can just see in their eyes that theyre really gentle people that will treat u right. 

34do you play sports? What sports?

hahaha no. ive always wanted to dance and/or be on a swimteam. but my lungs hate me

36Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

i think ive only told like 1 or 2 people that ive liked that i liked them. and ive liked a lot of people so yes. i have hidden that i liked someone before. many many times.

38Describe your dream girl/guy?

theyre taller than me. i dunno why but ive always liked wavy/curly hair. not blonde. or brunette. so that leaves unnatural hair color or black or red. good bone structure. theyre really smart. like they know lots of stuff academically but theyre also just generally smart u know. and they know lots of lil random facts about random things. really nice. but not in like a sugar nice way but more like sun beams when it feels like theyre warming u from the inside kinda nice. kind eyes. color doesnt really matter since i keep changing my mind. strong. but not necessarily muscular. i want them to be able to pick me up and twirl me around but not like theyve got a sixpack or anything. sixpacks are kinda weird looking tbh. wed have to have most of the same values. not too talkative but not like ALWAYS quiet. theyd prefer staying in most weekend and watchng shows but dont mind the occassional night out. theyd like the beach. because what kind of crazy person doesnt like the beach (people that dont beach right thats who). theyd also like biking and hiking and swimming. very much an animal person. not lazy. good listener. intuitive. would understand that some days i just cant fucking stand physical touch. and others i crave it in a way ive never craved anything before. and other days its kinda meh whatever. people that take interest in what im interested in because im interested in it. and whose interests are cool. because i love to take interest in things my friends are interested in but sometimes its so boring. nothing particular comes to mind. but im sure its happened. someone who doesnt check up on me when im crying. because tbh i hate it when people do that. unless its through texting or a phone call. but like people in person asking “are u ok?” while im sobbing my eyes out? fuck no go away. someone who understands that im really fucking bad with words. and sometimes me trying to say something will take a while and it may not make sense. theyd be patient. they wouldnt mock me. or be manipulative. and i think this list is long enough.

40What do you want to do after high school?

travel the world and end up famous, but not like papparazzi following me famous. famous like i appear on snl every once in a while and drop bangers or rad filsm or whatever i do and thats all.  what will i probs end up doing? crying a lot and going to community college. and applying to as many colleges as i have the energy to. 

42If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

it might mean im busy. or just listening. or really pissed off. or upset. or just have nothing to say. 

44Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space. 

46What are you paranoid about?

everything

48Have you ever been drunk?

not yet. but sometimes i want to be

50What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

blue i think?

52 One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

everything. but like one specific thing? id like to get rid of my depression, fears, and this brain fog that haunts me

.54 Favourite store?

trader joes or target

56Favourite color?

yellow

58 Last thing you ate?

well rn im eating plain potato chips and mayo (please dont judge me. i know its disgusting)

60Ever won a competition? For what?

i used to do mma i won like one or two of those. i also run a riding competition once. 

62Been arrested? For what?

not yet. but im sure one day i will be.

64tell us the story of your first kiss?

we were in her parents bathroom and were 7. thats all i remember. havent kissed anyone since. which isnt for lack of wanting to.

68Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont really have any tumblr friends that arent my real friends yet? so like i cant answer that.

70 Twitter or Tumblr?

well i spend all my time here and not on twitter so lets go with tumblr. altho i do have a twitter im never on

72Names of your best friends?

adi, heather, rabecca, joaquin, celestine. 

74What colour are your towels?

blue, red and white. and theres some hawaiin print ones and a yellow one. 

76How many pillows do you sleep with?

3... 

78How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like 40? dont judge. i kept asking as a kid and my parents kept giving them to me for christmas and my birthday. they should have stopped. 

80What colour is your underwear?

rn its grey. but its not the only color i have

82Favourite ice cream flavor?

fuck. ummmmm coffee?

84What colour pants?

rn theyre black. but on the front of the thighs they have zebra striping. 

86Favourite movie?

thats not an easy question to answer. im gonna say bringing up baby just because. 

90Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

both? i mean i prefer mean girls a lil more bu 21 jumpstreet isnt bad either

92 Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory. we are both scatterbrained. 

94Last person you talked to today?

adi. but like in person? rabbit and the nerd. 

96Name a person you love?

celestine. (not romantically)

98In a fight with someone?

not as far as i know. but i always kinda feel like im in a fight with monkey. 

100How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 4? i know i know i dont have very many. 

102Favourite actress?

aubrey plaza. 

104Do you tan a lot?

nope. i try at least once every summer. but my skin either stays as pale as snow or i burn really bad then my skin shift to a slightly more offwhite shade of snow. 

106. How are you feeling?

blergh. potato chips and mayo are really gross. and im tired and sick of people telling me shit. 

108Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret everything ive ever done. 

110Do you miss anyone from your past?

well there is this one guy i used to talk to but i miss the attention and not him so that doesnt count. i kinda miss a friend of mine named shannon from elementary school sunday school

112Ever broken someone’s heart?

i dont think so. 

114What should you be doing?

school. but ive given up on that. so. 

.116 Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

oh yeah. ive liked 2 peoplethat much. altho i barely knew the first person and it was more me projecting my ideals of the prefect person onto them. 

118Who was the last person you cried in front of?

probs my therapist. 

120Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah. i was just in virginia last week. i live in california so id say thats definitely out of state. 

122Are you listening to music right now?

nope. 

124Do you like Chinese food?

americanized or traditional? americanized: yessss that shit i shte bomb. traditional? i dont know ive never had it. 

126Are you afraid of the dark?

yes. very. i need a light source or i start to panic. 

.128 Is cheating ever okay?

like on a partner or on a test or something? on a partner? no way. u should never do that. like thatll really fuck them up and make them mistrustful for the rest of their life. on a test? if its necessary sure go for it. i dont care. im not ur teacher. 

130Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah. but its not something thatll ever happen to me lmao.

132. Are you currently bored?

im always bored. 

134 Would you change your name?

last name? yes 100% absolutely. first name? maybe. 

136Do you like subway?

like the sandwich shop? fuck no! the first time i ate it i threw up. the second time was ok. and thei third time i got serious stomach cramps afterwards. it was these awful sharp shooting pains all through my stomach. 

138Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist. 

140Can you count to one million?

theoretically? yes. but will i? no 

142Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed! my closet freaks me out but the office across from my bedroom freaks me out more. and also like i dont want cats walking on my face. or to wake up at 7 am and find that my dog has taken up the very middle of the bed. 

144Curly or Straight hair?

rn? mostly straight. but when it gets longer it kinda curls a  lil. 

146Summer or Winter?

yes. i like both. dont make me choose. 

148 Favourite month?

july. thats when im born so it has to be my fav. 

150Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

152Was today a good day?

no. 

154What’s your favourite quote?

in the beginning the universe was created a lot of people regard t as a bad move. and i messed that quote up. but yeah. 

156Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

the terms braided and woven refer to the structure of the elastic. 

[head-and-heart]

4x04 Personal Highlights

So I know that there has been a lot of negativity surrounding this past episode, but I would like to point out that it was far from being all bad and I would say it was a hell of a lot better than episode four from LAST season (aka. my least favourite episode of this show, ever) there was actually some good shit buried in this episode that I would like to address.

Never too much positivity, right fam?

Okay, I’ll get to it.

1. “Bellamy should be back by now.”

I mean, it’s self-explanatory. Even the C/exa queen is writing us some Bellarke shit .. hmm, I wonder why? Maybe cause she has to? Maybe cause Bellarke is becoming canon? Huh, weird.

2. Monty being a total babe and trying to comfort Clarke

It only serves to make the absence of his name on The List that much more painful, but I love seeing Monty trying to cheer Clarke up. He’s such a beacon of light. @the-ships-to-rule-them-all and @abazethe100 talked on their podcast about how its not just Monty’s brain and skills that make him invaluable, but who he is at his core - a source of optimism and support. He holds people together. I thought it was worth mentioning because @theskyboxpodcast is always good, but I especially loved that bit.

3. Devon’s acting

The writers truly could not have picked a better actor to play Jasper. He kills it, over and over and over again. Devon is the perfect mix of humour and tragedy that makes Jasper so heartbreaking and unique. He brings life to this character in a way that few actors could. That scene in the rain perfectly demonstrates this.

(UNRELATED: I’d love to see how Jaha was managing out on that lake when he heard about the acid fog. The possibilities are never-endingly humourous.)

4. Kane calling out Octavia

This scene was soooo validating because its the first time that Octavia’s actions have TRULY been called out. And it wasn’t just a brief call-out, it was an entire lengthy scene dedicated to why Octavia’s actions are NOT being supported by the narrative and are NOT right or honourable. 

“A warrior knows when not to kill. Lincoln taught you that. You seem to have forgotten.”

FINALLY RECOGNITION THAT A WOMEN WITH A SWORD IS NOT ALWAYS BADASS AND EMPOWERING. IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT. IT TAKES HONOUR

And to those of you who were screaming about Octavia never dealing with the consequences of her actions after ... what? 4x02? YOU COULDN’T WAIT TWO EPISODES??? WHY DO YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS WHY DO YOU TORTURE YOURSELVES? Short rant concluded. This was a top-knotch scene. 

5. LUNA

She is so gorgeous and her voice is so soothing. She makes every episode better just be existing.

6. THE ISLAND IS SO COOL

I’M SO GLAD THAT ALIE’S MANSION IS NOT THE ONLY THING WE GET TO SEE OF THIS ISLAND. THE WHOLE INTRIGUE SURROUNDING BECCA AND HER LAB AND THE DRONES AND THE “MUTANT LINE” AND THE MYSTERIOUS THINGS THAT ALIE’S SECURITY IS “PROTECTING” THEM FROM IS SO INTERESTING AND ITS SO DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING THIS SHOW HAS DONE BEFORE AND BOY AM I EXCITED TO FIND OUT WHAT’S GOING ON AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS STORYLINE. AND ALSO I, AND A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE, TOTALLY PREDICTED THAT THEY WERE HEADED BACK TO ALIE’S ISLAND TO FIND A LAB OF SOME SORT BACK IN THE HIATUS SO GOOD-WORK TEAM. NOTHING GETS PAST THIS FANDOM, I SWEAR.

7. Jackson being a total babe and helping out Raven this episode/showing compassion and concern

So I’ve seen people shipping it and I am ... oddly, not opposed??? I mean, he’s sweet and that banter was nice and he’s a doctor which means he’s probs smart and also can help her out with her pain (kinda) and it will never happen but I CAN DREAM OKAY? 

Also, Jackson is Jackson’s only name. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. You will never hear me referring to Jackson by any other name. #dealwithit

8. “Save us all” sounds like “keep us all clean” in Trigadesleng because apparently Grounders know their priorities

I guess this explains why L.exa had that deep conditioned shit last season while Clarke was progressing through her slow but steady evolution into a dirty mop

9. “I’ve never met a line I wouldn’t cross.”

Richard you get the best lines. And you slay them every time.

10. MURPHY AND RAVEN’S DYMAMIC

I’M SO EXCITED. Lindsey and Richard are both a thrill to watch and they’re both so sassy and their history is just ... WOW. They haven’t had many scenes together ever since that KILLER scene in the dropship where we learned Murphy’s backstory which is a total crime because THEIR CHEMISTRY SERIOUSLY FLIES THROUGH THE ROOF.

I do think Murphy was trying to get on Raven’s good side when he grabbed her and helped her to safety and it was definitely for his personal motives, but I do also believe that a large part of him wanted to do it as an attempt to make up for fucking up her life so bad as well. It’s such an interesting dynamic to watch.

Just want to clarify that I don’t ship it because ... y’all he literally shot her and paralyzed her why do you do this?? But I definitely want to see more of them on my TV screen

11. Dad!Kane cupping his son’s face

Need I say more?

12. “Warriors don’t reveal their secrets.”

AND ECHO LOOKS AT BELLAMY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T CAVE AND REVEAL THEIR SECRETS BECAUSE MY BOY IS SO STRONG 

13. Ice Nation is SO much more interesting than Trikru

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

14. “Remember that time we welded your dad’s furniture to the ceiling? Now THAT was a prank.”

I WOULD SAY SO MONTY LMAO THIS IS SO EXTRA AND I LOVE IT

CLASSIC JONTY I CAN CLEARLY ENVISION THEM DOING THIS

15. “You’re not God, Clarke. You don’t get to decide who lives and dies.”

Hmm ... that’s an interesting line. Almost like it might be ... I don’t know ... A major theme of the show or something?

Also A++ delivery Devon. Kudos.

16. This show is SO GOOD with moral dilemmas

They truly do bring their A-Game every season. The List is just one example of these so-called moral dilemmas. There truly is no right choice. Clarke was pragmatic, everything she did made SENSE. But was it moral? Was it humane? That’s another story, and it’s one these writers are not afraid to tell.

17. Monty and Clarke’s interactions are all so on point

“You’re the one going too far and using the same old justification: it’s all for my people.”

ANOTHER MAJOR THEME ALERT

Monty is spilling the tea this episode and while I understand Clarke’s mindset and sympathize with her for dealing with the pressure on her shoulders, everything that Monty said in this scene was absolutely 100% true, and it’s going to come into play in Clarke’s character arc this season, I am sure.

18. Raven’s struggle with her leg is so real

Kim perfectly captured the struggles that Raven has to deal with and how her leg, while limits her physical ability, certainly does not limit her determination, her skill, and her brain. 

19. “What if the fight is all we are? We torture, kill, betray. We pretend we’re more than that just to make ourselves feel better, but it’s a lie.”

I love this line so much. This episode encapsulates so many themes and big ideas of the show (and it grapples with morality in hugeeeee ways) and I’m loving it.

20. “You’re not a prisoner, Luna. You have a choice.”

Raven putting her gun down and saying this to Luna is SO important, especially when you think about how Clarke tried to force the flame on her in 3x14. Free will was a major theme last year and I’m glad to see it paying off now.

21. Jaha swooping in and stealing that crowd

Listen. I know that there are many conflicted opinions on Jaha and I know that lot of people hate him. But I have never been more intrigued. His story this season is sooo interesting. I have no idea what to expect from him. I feel as though he is so disconnected from the other characters at this point in the narrative that he’s a complete wild card. Do I trust him or not? Should I? What are his motives? What knowledge does he have that the other characters don’t?

He’s so fascinating to me in that he is completely unpredictable. His story this season could break off in just about any direction. 

This scene was really fun to watch. Clearly, Jaha’s years of being a Chancellor comes in handy with a crowd. He knows what to do, what to say, to sway them. It reminds me of Bellamy, in a way, actually. Say what you will about Jaha, but he has a way with words and he knows how to inspire people. I can’t wait to see how this goes. 

(I totally think that lottery is bullshit and I think that Jaha realizes this, but he’s manipulating the crowd. We’ll see how this blows up in our faces later.)

“The people need to feel like they have a say in their fate.”

Another interesting line that I enjoyed. Just wanted to point it out.

22. “It’s the only choice you gave yourself. If you think you have the best idea, you have to convince people, not lie to them. Or lock them up.”

So choices and free will and truth and morality are all big focusses of this episode. People seem to overlook how much great thematic stuff is in 4x04 but there’s a lot and it’s great.

23. Becca’s lab is bomb AF

24. BOB MORLEY DESERVES A FUCKING EMMY PLEASE AND THANK YOU

25. “Take me home.” 

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME ARKADIA AND THE SKY PEOPLE ARE STILL OCTAVIA’S HOME BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE BELLAMY IS (or so she thinks) AND HELLO YES I’M STILL EMO