#like i think probably there is no one size fits all advice to make someone like you and also i dont think its sth that can really be forced

[stuckinapril]

23 things I learned in 2023:

Breaking promises to yourself is essentially telling yourself you’re not worthy of commitment or effort.

Listen to people when they tell you who they are.

People put their best foot forward when they first meet you. If they’re already being shitty, it’s likely only going downhill from here.

Self-care isn’t always indulging instant gratification and not doing hard things. I was actually at my most fulfilled when I did hard things DESPITE not feeling like it.

If you’re clinging to other people for fulfillment or validation, you probably don’t like yourself very much.

It’s never the end of the world like we think it is.

If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. Never be in the business of changing people, even when it comes to changing how they think about you.

Brutally honest communication is everything, but that can also coincide with tactful kindness. Neither is mutually exclusive.

Having a routine makes a massive difference.

Comparison is pointless. No one else has been dealt the same cards you’ve been dealt.

Envy is a waste of time. Instead of being envious of other people, view them as proof of concept.

Self-accountability is important. We are fallible and it’s okay to make mistakes; we just need to own up to them.

Every failure is an opportunity for growth.

Every severed friendship, failed opportunity, lost connection etc etc leaves space for better things to replace it.

We are not tethered to people’s image of us. We are free to change ourselves whenever we please.

It’s not other people’s way, but it’s my way—and that’s all that matters.

Someone denying you love does not erase you.

Piggybacking off the last point—someone not acknowledging the virtues you have doesn’t mean that you don’t have those virtues.

All that really matters are the opinions of the handful of people who truly love you, as well as your opinion of yourself.

Waiting at least 15 minutes before reacting to something. Never trust yourself during the moments when something just hits (learned this the hard way).

Situations are complex and almost never a one size fits all. Asking for advice is okay, but take it with a grain of salt/ultimately follow your own judgment.

Social media isn’t the devil, but scrolling endlessly is. Make an intentional effort to supplant screen time with books and hobbies and friends and tangible, real life things.

We all die one day. None of this is that deep and none of this really matters. Stop taking things so seriously and just enjoy the process 🤍

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I don’t know if you already wrote about this so forgive me if this is a repeat question but, what do you think about Leona’s depression? I feel it’s pretty obvious in game and yet it’s always glossed over as him being ‘lazy’ idk but I don’t find many talking about his really shitty mental health with any seriousness.

Surprisingly I haven't addressed this (at least not in detail)! So thank you for bringing this to my attention; I definitely feel like I've heard people (especially Leona fans) discuss this quite frequently. If you look in the right places, you’re sure to find insightful commentary on the subject! I know I certainly have, but I've yet to say my own piece on it yet.

Now, before I actually get to actually rambling, I want to preface this post with a few points so we can walk in knowing the perspective I'm coming from. Analysis isn't a "one size fits all"! My experiences and background will color the lenses through which I view Leona’s mental health.

First and foremost, I usually don't go out of my way to claim, "this character has X condition" beyond what is outright stated or implied in canon. That does NOT mean that I disapprove of fans who may have their headcanons that say otherwise or project onto or relate to characters' mental health. You can consume the media you like however you want! I am just saying that I don't have this preference so I feel somewhat uncomfortable speaking on this matter.

Secondly, I am trying to approach this situation from a very clinical viewpoint (as I do have knowledge in this area). This means that when I look for “implications” or read between the lines, I am doing so as objectively as I can. It’s how I choose to process and understand characters from a health angle. This does not mean that my opinion is certain; you could very well find someone else in this area that gives you the opposite opinion. As always, I warn you that my response is for fun, it is NOT meant to be taken as medical advice.

Lastly, PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST before you comment or share your own thoughts. I'm up for having a discussion, but I ask that you not do so without getting the full context of my thoughts. It’s a lot of information, and I did my best to break it down in a way that (I hope!!) is easy to understand.

CONTENT WARNING: due to the nature of the question at hand, I will be discussing or mentioning potentially triggering topics such as ***depression, suicidal ideation, dieting, homophobia, and substance abuse.*** Please look away if you are not in the right headspace to read about such topics.

Okay, let's rip the band-aid off now: I don't think Leona is clinically depressed.

Pause. Rewind. Take note of my careful wording there: clinically depressed. I don't think Leona is clinically depressed. What does that mean, and how does that relate to "being depressed"?

I think when people describe Leona as "depressed", they commonly mean that he "has depression", not that he is just feeling sad or has low self-esteem. By "having depression", I'm going to assume they are referring to "major depressive disorder", which is the technical term for the condition.

"It's just an abbreviation of the longer term. What's the issue with using 'depression'?” you're probably wondering. “You understand that we mean major depressive disorder.” Well, equating the two does NOT a diagnosis make.

Mental conditions such as major depressive disorder are documented in a handbook known as the DSM (or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The latest version, the DSM-5-TR (5th edition with text revisions), was published in 2022. The DSM is a manual that sets forth criteria for each diagnosis in its pages. Of course, this includes major depressive disorder—and it may surprise you to learn that Leona does not meet its diagnostic criteria.

A diagnosis of "depression" (the term I will henceforth be using as shorthand for the disorder) is much more than having persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, being unmotivated/lazy, and wanting to sleep often. (I bring up these three things specifically because they are the ones I see being pointed at most frequently to “prove” the diagnosis.)

In order to be formally diagnosed, an individual must be experiencing at least 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period:

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

At least one of the symptoms should be either 1) depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously found enjoyable. Furthermore, the symptoms must cause what is known as "clinically significant distress", which is defined by impairment in important areas of functioning. This includes, but is not limited to, socialization, occupation, and/or education. The symptoms must also not be the result of substance abuse or another medical condition, and the individual must ever have experienced mania or hypomania.

Let’s briefly go through each criterion + additional documents and see what evidence there is or isn’t to support it:

We do not have his medical records to cross reference, so for the sake of convenience let’s assume no underlying or additional medical conditions.

We must consider additional context about family, lifestyle, etc. which can confound his symptoms. For example, as a prince, Leona has grown up having most things done for him by servants. This is what he is used to. So when we observe Leona not doing basic things for himself (getting food, doing laundry, making his bed), how much of this can we truly attribute to an underlying condition and how much of this can we attribute to Leona being accustomed to a certain kind of lifestyle?

Leona (at least from what we know of) does not experience mania, nor is he depicted as taking mind or behavior altering substances.

Of the first two criteria, Leona must fit into one: either 1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, or 2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. These depend on how you interpret his actions and behaviors. Personally, I don’t think Leona strongly fits into 2 because he still has an interest in his hobbies like Magift/Spelldrive and playing chess (though his involvement in it varies depending on the context). I will concede that there is stronger evidence for 1 over 2, as Leona has definitely expressed sadness and despair regarding himself and his future prospects. It is these thoughts that drive him away from home and keep contact with his family at a minimum. It is these thoughts that prevent him from seeing himself as worthy or even capable of change—a sentiment he shares in book 6, when he encourages Jamil but does not grant himself the same kindness or optimism. For this reason, we will go with the first criterion.

He has not experienced notable weight loss nor gain, nor a notable increase or decrease in appetite. Regarding his general diet, Leona has expressed a preference for meat and rejects vegetables. This by itself does not really provide any useful information in of itself; many people have this preference.

Leona does not experience a slowing down of thought. He is still very sharp and quick-witted in responding to his surroundings, especially in potentially dangerous ones, and coming up with an appropriate plan to counter. It can be argued that Leona has had a reduction in physical movement, as many characters often make remarks about how they perceive him as lazy or not doing much. However, this criterion actually refers to the speed at which one completes an activity and as far as I know, Leona is not said to be moving sluggishly, he only conducts himself in a manner that can be described as "lazily elegant". Even if we stretched the definition to encompass long-term goals he is putting off (like graduation), this criteria is still not counted for Leona since the wording used in the DSM-5-TR states “slowing down of thought AND reduction in physical movement” must be present. In other words, both must be true, not just one of them.

Leona does seem to experience some level of fatigue or loss of energy. This could be one way of interpreting his desire to sleep excessively instead of tending to more meaningful matters (like class). Fatigue, in this case, can also refer to emotional or mental fatigue. The sleep, then, can serve as a means of escape from reality for Leona, but it does not indicate actual physical tiredness. Rather, the tiredness can be intangible. This is also a potential explanation for his lack of motivation when it comes to some activities, especially those that demand him to take charge.

Leona does appear to experience feelings of worthlessness, though perhaps not excessive or inappropriate guilt. In fact, I would wager Leona does not demonstrate the latter, although this could be attributed to the fact that we are not in his head and he does not open up to others about his feelings. For example, we still don't know what his feelings are on almost killing Ruggie in a fit of rage. This does not discredit this criterion though, as the wording in the DSM is “feelings of worthlessness OR […] guilt” meaning one or the other suffices. It is no secret that Leona seeks recognition for his skills—something he was denied as a child and even put down for. While he is aware of his strengths, he has moments when he doubts himself (stating that he can’t change, or giving up when he realizes his plans won’t work so what’s the point in trying?), the contributions he can make (even when his older brother reassures him he can help their country), and encouragement from others (Jack telling him his play inspired him).

As I've said before, Leona does not have a diminished ability to think or concentrate. It has been shown to us time and time again that he doesn't do schoolwork not for lack of trying or lack of understanding, but because he thinks of himself as above it. Leona has already been tutored by the finest teachers royal money can buy, so he believes there is not much else for him to learn. He is also not shown to be indecisive--he can make decisions very quickly and can guide others or at least convince them to go along with him.

Leona does not have suicidal ideation or have recurring thoughts of committing suicide/death. While it's true that this is a game rated for ages 4+ (and therefore has restrictions on what content is and is not allowed in it), TWST has demonstrated to us that there are ways to imply suicidal ideation and other dark themes without explicitly saying it. (One notable example is Idia in late book 6, where he drops lines like "I'll go with you" and expresses dissatisfaction with "this world" to Ortho, who is known to be dead. To this, Ortho reassures him and encourages him to keep living. In fact, I could go on a whole tangent about how Idia better fits the criteria for major depressive disorder, but we're not going to get into that here.) The fact that TWST does not really imply this about Leona makes me think this is not true of him.

It can be said that the symptoms Leona does have are clinically significant, as his behavior is shown to have significant impact on his studies to the point where he was held back a grade. This was not because he did not know the material, but because he failed to find the motivation to attend class and to do his assignments. It also appears that Leona didn't really make an effort to work toward his future until book 7, when he actually talks his internship plans and about wanting to graduate.

We may guess that the symptoms persisted for two weeks or more (given Leona’s history and involvement in the main story), but the frequency of the symptoms is unclear since the game controls what we see of Leona and what we don’t.

Taking all of that into consideration, Leona does in fact exhibit depressive symptoms, but only 3 at most (I say “at most” because we have no idea about the true frequency at which some behaviors occur; we aren’t with Leona 24/7, nor has he reported it to us) out of the 8 total criteria. That’s 2 short of a diagnosis.

“But wait, there’s a lot of information missing here! We don’t have medical records, his weight and appetite changes, etc.” That’s true—but see, the main issue I take with diagnosing fictional characters in the first place is that we oftentimes do not know a character in detail enough to understand the full scope of their lives and symptoms. Noticing a few details is one thing and valid to an extent, but to evaluate an individual is not purely observational. This is particularly true for TWST characters, as even though there is plenty of content to refer back to for behavior, there is still a lack of really going into daily activities or deep feelings (beyond the one post-OB flashback for the OB boys). We cannot observe their behavior extensively. Because of this, tons of key criteria may not be visible to us from the audience’s perspective, let alone a medical history or other data to consider for assessment. We will almost always have an incomplete profile of a fictional character. Health is holistic and not entirely based on what we as individuals see or on all anecdotal evidence.

Just as health considers all parts of the individual, we, too, must consider individual cases of depression. It is possible for depression to exist without a diagnosis—many people (especially older adults), unfortunately, go undiagnosed for their condition. At the same time, it is possible for Leona to have depression which manifests in an atypical way. Each person with depression presents differently than the last, so I so not intend to make any blanket statements about the general population with this condition. The only statement I am making here is that based on my own interpretation of the current lore TWST has granted is, Leona Kingscholar does not satisfy the criteria for a formal clinical diagnosis, at least not for major depressive disorder as is defined by the DSM-5-TR.

Interestingly, Leona does fit the diagnostic criteria for a subclinical form of depression in a 1994 version of the DSM (IV). Minor depression or minor depressive disorder, colloquially known as “everyday depression”, is defined as having 2–4 depressive symptoms persisting for more than 2 weeks. One of these symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. It should be noted that this terminology is no longer recognized, as new information is added and dropped from the manual all the time. The information is flexible based on the consensus of a panel of hundreds of experts. Older versions of the DSM can be horribly outdated and it is not advised to reference them over newer ones. (As an example, "homosexuality" was legitimately listed as a mental illness in the very first version of the DSM. Yikes. Thankfully, this was dropped from the DSM-II. Other conditions like "multiple personality disorder" are granted new names like "dissociative identity disorder" or reworked altogether as our studies and understanding of mental health and science improve. It is important to keep up with the research coming out and update our approaches accordingly.)

We do not currently have a label for Leona’s situation aside from perhaps experiencing depressive episodes (periods of notable sadness lasting under 2 weeks) and exhibiting some depressive symptoms. I must stress that just because we lack a full-blown diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact his life. Leona is shown to very clearly be struggling with his mental health. He spends a lot of time in bed, typically cannot be motivated to attend class or do complete assignments, and has moments where he thinks very lowly of himself in spite of the confidence he exudes to others. What's more is that because Leona does not speak to others about what he's going through, it comes off as laziness or arrogance to his peers. Think of it this way: if you have a bad day and snap at a stranger or an acquaintance, the stranger/acquaintance is far less likely to grant you grace or forgiveness for your behavior compared to, say, a friend. They are not as familiar with you, so they will have less patience and are less likely to consider what you may be going through on a personal level. This also applies on a fandom level; if a fan is not actively reading between the lines, they, like Leona's peers, may miss the depressive symptoms he is displaying because they aren't looking for it. How many people can we say are close friends with Leona for him to open up to them about his circumstances? I would say Leona barely even lets his own dorm members be intimate enough with him to let them know about this part of himself. He has Savanaclaw backing him, but he probably does not talk to the mobs extensively. Ruggie is his errand boy, but I doubt Leona pours his heart out to him. And Jack is the newbie who did technically betray their dorm, so Leona might not trust him. Forget about people beyond his dorm. Even his family is not much better off; we've seen that Leona tends to brush off his brother's friendliness and attempts to make amends. There is no strong support system in place for him, which is tricky because Leona perpetuates it by keeping others at bay. In the light novel adaptation of book 2, Leona has an inner monologue about how he is afraid of letting others give him hope because it will encourage him to try again, only to fail another time. I imagine similar logic applies here; he is afraid of showing his vulnerable side because it might give him hope for change when he as late as book 6 expresses that he has given up on himself. I think that this is the detail about Leona most look to when they consider his mental health. The hallmark of depression is, after all, the feeling of perpetual sadness and despair itself. Most do not realize that other factors are considered.

From a clinical lens, it is not “obvious" that Leona is depressed. However, I understand why the prevailing sentiment tends to skew in the opposite direction. For the layman, it may be difficult to distinguish what is and is not clinically significant enough to warrant an actual diagnosis. Again, most will cite the same three pieces of information to support the depression reading: Leona's irritability, his unwillingness to participate, and the rejection he experienced as a child (which has now manifested as self-doubt and low self-esteem). Characters are often judged based on fans' own experiences, and this naturally comes with biases and subjectivity. Thus, some fans may project their own understanding or preconceived notions of what the "typical" depressed person acts like in their head onto Leona. This is normal human empathy at play. I believe that other fans see depression in Leona either because they experience it themselves or are familiar with someone in the same shoes. It can be difficult, and at times we can find solace and solidarity in fiction, especially if we find a character that “speaks to us” and seems relatable. That character may be Leona for some people. If you see do see him in this light or relate to his situation, I’m not invalidating your feelings. On the contrary, I'm happy that you were able to find comfort in him and that a piece of media you love can serve as a coping mechanism. You keep on doing you!

It is at this point that I will reiterate what I said at the start with a little extra nuance: I do not think Leona clinically depressed BUT I do believe he has depressive symptoms and poor mental health as the result of his cumulative circumstances. It is possible for him to have major depressive disorder, but we cannot determine this for certain with the information available to us right now. We are still missing several key components that would typically be considered in the evaluation process.

I think it's important to step back from focusing on labels and instead focus on the individual experience, and how you can still grow as a person and not let a perceived label define you. Leona is definitely working on himself! Changing, particularly changing a deeply ingrained mindset, takes much time and effort. We may not see the progress since Leona tends to hide it and/or we have limited intractions with him. We may not always see giant strides because the process is difficult. Even so, Leona is trying to jump over those mental and emotional hurdles. He's putting his all back into Magift/Spelldrive training. He's attending classes and doing the assignments. He's going home for the holidays. He has an internship planned. He wants to graduate. I've enjoyed following Leona's journey of growth and self-development and seeing all the intense discussion surrounding that. It all comes from a place of love and wanting to support the characters we care about, no matter how we may individually view him.

[soracities]

oooh please tell us what writing rules are garbage I would love to hear more

it's not that they're garbage, which isn't what i said, just that they annoy me and even then what annoys me is not the "rules" themselves (because i do believe they can be useful depending on what you're writing) but when some of them are put out as the only way to write something as if storytelling is a one-size fits all approach, as if you can reduce the millenia-long history of literature into a fail-proof formula that will work for all writing across all cultures with no room for experimentation.

i think there are as many ways to tell a story as there are stories and how you tell something and the kind of language you use will vary depending on what language actually means to you as a writer. hemingway and faulkner both famously took digs at each other for their styles (even though i think there was a lot of admiration between them) but they are also two very different writers with two completely different approaches to language and how they use that language to say the things they want to say: neither is inherently better, or more right, than the other--their approaches were just right for them; if faulkner wanted to write using the "older, simpler, better" words hemingway loved, he would have. if james joyce wanted to depict dublin the way dickens depicted london, he would have done so. but they didn't.

someone once posted an excellent breakdown by jeff vandermeer of the different writing styles employed by different authors which i was silly enough not to save at the time, but in it he gives an overview of the structure of their sentences, and how complicated or "rich" the language is, without pitting one style against the other. and to be honest, i think writing advice that encourages you to examine and look at that relationship with language, and what it holds for you (and others) and why, is probably more helpful than blanket statements like "stay away from ambiguity" or "avoid long sentences" because neither of those actually mean anything--a sentence is a vessel but it's also a tool, like a hoghair brush or a palette knife; the value of its impact is not an essence that exists in and of itself, but entirely dependent on how you use it, otherwise all literature would just read the same way.

strict adherence to a particular form or structure within a language does not automatically make for better writing, especially not when so much literature actually consists of, and is built from, works and authors actively rebelling against those same traditional forms and structures (but which is also not to say that those forms and structures are inherently useless, either). you can say that long sentences "risk distraction" or are "ineffective" but then where does that leave someone like laszlo krasznahorkai, whose prose runs on like some kind of breathless, hypnotic incantantion for 20, 30 pages without a single full stop in sight? or a book like solar bones by mike mccormack which is made up of a single sentence going on for 200 pages? i'm not saying long sentences can't be boring or tedious, but in all honesty so can short sentences--so can any writing that follows the "rules" to the letter. if something is poorly written, the "rules" matter very little; if it's well written, they matter even less.

all that said, telling people to "avoid long sentences" is not inherently a bad thing because i think the core of it is wanting to ensure your writing remains clear, which is a fair point--but it's an issue, to me at least, when it turns into one of those dictums or pronouncements that actively narrows the potential range language can actually have. clarity is not always about length, or whether or not you cull all of your run-on lines--mihail sebastian drew a very nice distinction in one of his novels when he said "[is] there’s a single way of being clear? A notary can be clear, or a poet, but they don’t seem to me the same thing". a long sentence can be clear, but its clarity exists on different terms to a sentence that is five words long, because its relationship to its content is different. and at the end of the day, that relationship is really what it's about for me and it's distinct to each work and its author.

writers use the language and form they use that best allows them to say what they want to say. no one in their right mind is going to dismiss zadie smith for not writing like angela carter or angela carter for not writing like hemingway or hemingway for not writing like beckett or beckett for not writing like mallarmé. robert frost and sara teasdale were no more correct than the beatniks were. i love pared down, beautifully concise prose, but i also adore books that relish in language and all the various, multi-coloured layers of it, books that eschew (traditional) plot and books that question their own form and the reality of that form, and books that tell a story as straightforwardly as possible.

to be honest i think one of the most formative things i came across, years ago now, was this piece by gary provost, which really sums up the whole notion of "writing rules" for me:

this is not about do's or dont's. it even breaks the first writing rule i learnt in school ("never begin a sentence with 'And'"). but what it does is center an intimate understanding of language, where it can go and how it can get there, and what you want that to do. that's where it's at for me!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hey, not to be a downer during pride month but I am really struggling with accepting that I am probably aromantic. At this moment of my journey into accepting myself it just feels like I got robbed of something that the majority of people get to experience and I guess I am just grieving that.

Maybe someone has some experience or knows of ways to tackle this feeling. <3

Don't feel bad for struggling, Anon. Some people have a hard time accepting their identity, but it's very normal. It's also OK to mourn the identity or life you thought you would have. And it's OK to take time to grieve.

I think aromanticism can be especially hard to accept sometimes because as a culture we often get inundated with the messaging that romance/romantic love, etc are a very important if not the most important thing in our lives.

So my first bit of advice would be unlearning that messaging. It helps that it's not true, romance and romantic partners are a thing people have found meaning and fulfilment in but it's A. not something everyone finds these things in, including alloromantic people, B. it's not the only thing people find meaning and fulfilment in, and C. It's not the always the most important thing people find meaning and fulfilment in.

In real life people are diverse and where we find fulfilment, what has meaning in our lives, etc. varies from person to person. There's no one size fits all, or no one path we have to follow to find happiness and meaning. For some people that path is romance and kids, etc. For others the answers may be in following a passion, working for a cause, seeking out spiritual fulfilment, making different types of connections, or many other things.

It's also important not to put romance on a pedestal. This can cause problems even for alloromantic people because it creates unrealistic expectations and puts of a lot of pressure for people to be in a romantic relationship even if the relationship may not be great. It's important to know and understand that romance isn't necessary to be happy and fulfilled even if it may still be important to certain people.

Also while being aromantic may feel restricting, on another level it's also an opportunity to figure out what you do like or want. Some aros do still enjoy romance, or romance in some contexts. Some aros are more averse to romance, but still want some type of life partner like a QPR. Some aros would rather be single, but have another life path they want to follow or care about. It can take time to figure out what feels right for you, but it can be fun to explore and learn about yourself too.

My third bit of advice is seek out other aros. This can be as easy as following aro accounts and people who identify as aro on social media. It can be seeking out communities, either online or offline (some local lgbtqia+ chapters can also be useful for this), it can be seeking out media with aro characters (there's a decent amount of books and podcasts with aro characters too you can easily find through searching). People are social creatures, and finding people like us and people comfortable being like us can go a long way to helping us feel at home in our own skin too.

This is a lot, don't feel like you have to work through everything you're dealing with right away. Remember that there's also usually a gap between knowing something logically and feeling it emotionally. These things take time to process. So take your time, mourn if you need to, and go at your own pace.

Hopefully this is helpful. But if you have more questions or want anything clarified, don't be afraid to send in another ask.

All the best, Anon!

[queer-questions-and-polls]

Hi there, I'm afab and I've been questioning my gender for about the past year.

My question to you is - is it valid for your non binary identity to be linked to your trauma? (I'm really, really sorry for this long ask)

Ok, so I may be about to go on a massive tangent here. These past few months, I've basically done away with so much of what I thought I knew about myself. When I was a child, since as long as I can remember, I've felt like I needed to be feminine in my presentation. I've never felt like an innocent, carefree child, and I don't relate to trans people who say they felt free in their prepubescent body, and want to return to that androgyny, because never had that .

I'm also recently diagnosed autistic, and my masking goes really deep - as far as I can remember. It was really strange - it was like i kept femininity at an arm's length. For example, I would have a really strong aversion to the colour pink. But there were also really strict guidelines I put in place for myself, for example no boys clothing, no martial arts or football, even if I wanted to. I lived in another country for a while, and I had a really short haircut which I hated, and I would often get mistaken for a boy, and that would enrage me, because they were questioning my authenticity.

I don't think I ever wanted to be feminine, but I felt I had to be to protect myself.

And now, the societal expectations of girlhood quite literally make me feel sick when I think about me in those contexts. I don't think I want to be a girl, but it's not a choice I can make, right? Am I just a pick me girl with issues? Do I just have trauma, and is this something I need to fix, or am I allowed not to be a girl?

As for dysphoria, I have no idea if it's just poor body image, since I don't fit typical beauty standards. Do I hate my boobs because they're absolutely massive, or because they make me a girl (rhetorical question)?

You sound so much like me to be honest with you.

It's fine to go on a tengent <3

that's what I'm here for to listen and give advice/ tell you about a similar experience so no one feels alone.

I, as a child was strongly encouraged to be feminine & i felt like I needed to to be loved and safe, I hated pink & had big trauma from all male figures in my life who give me really poor body image issues that I still have to this day, because that I hated masculinity for a long time and myself to be female. I forced myself to get into dancing i started wearing make-up (I was 6 at that time)

I didn't get to be a Carefree child either, I also didn't have that. My androgyny went away at 2 years old.

The rules sound somewhat like me when I was refusing to question my gender.

Now to your final paragraph: you not wanting to be girl isn't you making a choice.

E.g: I don't want to be a girl I get dysphoria about being one.

the only choice being made there is about if transioning is right for you.

I have both dysphoria and poor body image (i wasn't conventionality attractive either) and to be honest with you I get that completely but I can tell you what I do personally to differentiate it. Which is thinking 'is this about my weight or looking to feminine?' But that probably won't work for everyone.

A pick me girl with issues? My dude. (Sorry if that wording brings any discomfort)

A pick me girl is someone looking for male validation and that doesn't sound like anything you've said at all. But if you mean a tomboy it really doesn't sound like that either.

Idk if this will help but I also have massive boobs, and by observing my mother who is the same size as me i figured something something out: women with big boobs typically hate them because of back problems & bra issues.

I, a transmasc just hate them in general as well as for outing me even in a binder and I wish they would disappear. My mother wishes hers were half their size.

Even if you your transness is linked to trauma does that make you less trans?

Also something else i would recommend that helped me is to imagine yourself as one of your friends and your trying to help them figure themselves out.

(Bassically look at yourself though an outside perspective it usually helps!)

I wish you good luck on your gender journey and I hope this helped you at least a little <3

And remember I'm just a stranger on the internet, you know you best so don't take my word as the gospel truth.

[notoriousmasc]

As someone who's written and read a fair amount of stories with fat or weight-gaining characters, do you have any advice on how best to convey fatness and everything that comes with it in text? I'm a very visual person, and there are certain things (like physique, weight, etc.) that feel so much easier to convey in art than in prose. At the same time, overloading the story with attempts to get something as all-encompassing as the body a character has At All Times in every single line or paragraph (how they walk, sitting in furniture, etc.) feels unnecessary and perhaps risks turning readers away.

Any advice is appreciated, if you have any!

i'm going to assume that you're asking this in a sexy way, since i have a lot of people who follow me that wanna fuck fat people either because they're (speaking frankly and without judgment) fetishists, or because they have taste, so i think you're probably asking to convey how to describe the fat appearance as attractive. most of my advice is gonna revolve around that

first thing is that you probably shouldn't bring their weight into everything, that's kinda the same thing that fatphobic people do and even in reverse it still doesn't feel good. it really should only come up during bodily interactions, when describing appearance/feeling on appearance, or if the POV character just really wants to have sex with them. there's obviously other situations where it would be fine, but we could spend all day listing those, so i'll just keep it to my examples

that being said, when you do wanna bring it up, there's a couple ways to have it be natural and not scream I AM REPRESENTING A GROUP or anything like that. this is a flawed method since it can easily fall into infantilizing territory if you're not careful, but softness is a good place to start. even people who like skinny people like softness. soft skin, soft faces, boobs, they're all conventionally attractive things that are still related very closely to softness. when describing a fat character as attractive, softness and warmth as descriptors can make even people who don't find fatness attractive at least see where you're coming from.

in more risque works, the fit of clothes is also a good indicator of describing fatness. personally, i find the little indent of a belly-button on a slightly too small shirt really attractive, but other things are also good to write wrt fatness. the way the chest pushes up against a shirt, the fit of sleeves, butts, stuff like that is all a good visualizer of a person's size in a way that's attractive and natural-seeming

the last thing i can think of is probably just to like... not be coy? no one's going to kill you for saying a character has a big belly, and only reactionaries on either side would be mad at that being described as attractive. my man brennan has done both ends of this where he described alejandro in tuc as "extremely rotund", being vague, and an NPC in calamity as a "handsome man [with a] big stomach". it seems to be a very popular thing in YA romances that happen to have a fat love interest where they'll just kind of like, immediately switch to the fat one's POV during intimate scenes so that they don't have to describe someone finding a fat person attractive -- don't do that. you can be very upfront about what someone's body looks like. it's fine.

here's a piece of erotic fanfiction that goes about all of this very well. i'm not into wwdits, but like, yknow.

also, if you do wanna use a euphemism; if you describe a man as having "wide hips", people are gonna assume you mean he's fat. that's about all i've got in that department lol

[missvelvetsstuff]

The Wrong One

Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: reader meets Steve while he's on the run and sticks with him through everything. Until he sees Peggy Carter again.

8. The Storm pt 1

Warnings: swearing, angst, pregnancy stuff, lite smut- fingering and dirty talk

When Y/N officially entered her 7th month she was exhausted and had a hard time finding clothes she can afford that fit comfortably. Even when she found pants that fit around her belly, they were too short and tall sizes were too expensive.

After grumbling about it to Pepper Y/N had to get off of the phone and find something to eat.

She realized how spoiled Bucky had her when prep time was a primary factor in deciding what to eat. She sighed and grabbed a yogurt. The baby, her little girl, was so big that she couldn't eat much food at one sitting.

The doorbell rang, she checked the app on her phone for the doorbell camera and saw it was a delivery. She opened the door and the delivery men wheeled a full rack of clothes, dresses and blouses, plus 2 large boxes with the name of a high end maternity boutique that specialized in tall sizes.

She shook her head, only one person could have done this. She picked up her phone when it picked up "Pepper. What did you do?"

Pepper laughed "Since you're calling me I'm pretty sure you know what I did. You need clothes that fit and are comfortable. Plus, I can afford it and I want to help."

Y/N felt her throat tighten "You didn't need to. I mean, thank you but it's really too much. I'll probably have this kid before I get a chance to wear most of it."

"Advice to a first time mom. Hold on to the clothes, it'll take a bit for your belly to go down after she's born and maternity clothes are more comfortable. At least they were for me."

Y/N felt tears welling up in her eyes, thanked Pepper again then quickly hung up before she started bawling.

While she was going through the clothes her doorbell rang again but this time it was expected because Bucky had just returned from Europe, helping Sam deal with the Flag Smashers, and was bringing her lunch.

She tried to hug him but had to settle on a sideways half hug and a kiss on the cheek, because her belly was always in the way.

Bucky laughed when he felt the baby kicking against his hand "There's my little girl." He leaned down to her bump "You bein a good girl for mama? Letting her sleep?"

Y/N laughed "No she doesn't. She likes to practice her kick boxing on my bladder but only late at night. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get a good nights sleep again."

He took her hand "Don't worry doll. Won't be long before you have that little one in your arms."

She felt a spark at his touch and inhaled sharply, these hormones were making her crazy- happy, sad, horny. But she was scared, after Steve she didn't know how to trust someone again. Bucky had been such a good friend, she didn't know how She would have made it through all this without him. She didn't think he returned her feelings, besides being his friend's ex She had a baby coming. She was sure Bucky wouldn't want that kind of responsibility right now.

She shook it off and turned to set the table.

Bucky did feel it but didn't want to pressure her or add more drama for her to deal with.

They sat down to eat before he commented "So is this like one of those pop up deals?" Gesturing at the living room where almost every surface had clothing laid out over it.

She giggled "No, I was complaining to Pepper about the difficulty finding maternity clothes for tall sizes and a couple of hours later this showed up at my door. I was just going through it all and tried on a couple of things."

She shrugged "there are even a couple of cocktail dresses in there that I doubt I'll ever need, my life is nowhere near as exciting or glamorous as Peppers."

Bucky looked at her confused "Didn't Pepper tell you? I was going to see if you wanted to go with me."

"Go with you to what?"

Bucky tensed "There's a fundraising gala for a veterans charity that Sam and I started, this weekend. I don't like going to events with crowds but veterans were neglected before the Blip. Now with countries trying to deal with all the people that came back, veterans are worse off. I figure if I can help I should. Pepper is involved as well and we thought you might want to come."

He smiled at her.

She shook her head "I don't know Bucky, I'm really nervous about going out ever since Steve disappeared."

"I know doll but you can't let him control you. Sam will be there and I, I mean, we, we wouldn't let anything happen to you. There are expected to be a lot of big names so security will be tight.

I'll always take care of my best girls."

She felt her face heat up, just like every other time he used his little endearments. She wasn't even sure he realized he was doing it.

"I don't know, that kind of stress isn't good for the baby."

Bucky pulled her close "I know you're scared doll, I'm just worried about you, you've become kind of a hermit. I promise I won't leave your side all night." He kissed her forehead "Why don't you try on one of those fancy dresses, maybe seeing yourself in it will inspire."

She groaned "I'll look like a huge pregnant woman with a fancy bolt of fabric draped over me." She pulled one of the dresses off the rack "I mean really, look at this thing" held the dress up for him to look at.

Bucky shrugged "Hard to tell anything until you put it on."

She shook her head "I'm not modeling for you right now but I guess I'll go to your dumb party. I'm not staying all night, just a couple of hours and if Steve shows up I'm out."

Bucky sighed "It'll be fun, trust me."

"Ok, I said I would go."

Bucky was quiet for awhile but couldn't help himself "How are you feeling? Are you having those higgs boson contractions?"

She laughed "It's Braxton hicks contractions. Higgs boson is the God particle, silly."

Bucky blushed "Hey, I was close. Anyhow are you? Having them I mean."

She smiled at him "Yes, a lot. Helen said they would be picking up. She also told me what is normal and what I need to get to the hospital for. I'm fine right now. Except for this little girl beating me up from the inside out."

Bucky looked at her hopefully "Is she moving now? Can I feel?"

She nodded and released a tiny moan when Bucky started rubbing her belly. She felt his touch deep inside her and tried to keep control. She was so damn horny all the time and her toys weren't helping.

Bucky heard that little moan and tensed a bit. He could smell her arousal and couldn't think of much else besides finding out if she tasted as good as she smelled.

His hand rubbed lower until he was massaging the bottom of her belly and her hips bucked up a little.

He looked in her eyes "Are you ok? Is this too much? Please tell me how to make you feel better."

She relaxed into the couch and let her legs fall open "Please Bucky. I'm going crazy." She gasped as his hand moved lower, past the band of her pants, the skin on skin causing goose bumps and chills.

She could feel her panties soaking and whined "Need you Buck!"

Bucky groaned "I want you too baby but are you sure? I don't want you to regret-"

She shook her head "No, no regret. Please touch me."

Bucky moved his hand down until he felt her slit, swollen, wet and leaking. He groaned "Fuck doll, so wet."

He slid one finger inside her and she moaned "Oh god, Bucky!"

His thumb made small circles on her clit as he added a second finger to slowly pump in and out of her drenched pussy. He felt her clenching his fingers and heard the squelch as he touched her.

Y/N stiffened up and felt everything explode as she drenched Bucky's hand. When he felt her squirt, Bucky came in his pants like a teenager.

He held her as she came down and moaned while he sucked her slick off of his fingers "Jesus you taste good. Are you alright doll? Was that ok? I didn't want to overstep but you seemed to need it."

She looked at him, still a little dazed "That was you know just wow." Then looked down "Does this mean..."

He kissed her softly "It means I want you." He whispered "It means I love you and want to be with you but I don't want to push you. I just wanted to make you feel good."

She smiled "Mission accomplished. But what about you?"

Bucky blushed "I'm fine doll."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day of the gala Pepper took Y/N to have her hair and nails done after a pregnancy massage. They chatted and drank sparkling cider like they had been friends forever. When it was time to go they went in a limo to meet Bucky at the Tower.

Bucky paced at the entrance, waiting for Y/N to arrive. He had always had a crush on her but Steve was there so he tried to push the feelings down. When Steve told him he was leaving to go back to Peggy, Bucky didn't understand how he could just leave Y/N behind. He had hoped to be there for her and missed her when she disappeared.

The day they ran into each other at the ice cream parlor he had been so happy to see her again, even though her pregnancy was a shock, and promised both of them he would be there for her. He knew she deserved better than him but wanted to be the one to take care of her.

Bucky stopped short when he saw Pepper step out of a stretch SUV. He strode over to greet her with a quick hug then turned to the car to see Y/N looking at him thoughtfully. He reached his hand out to help her.

She took his hand and stood slowly. Bucky watched, breathless as she stood, almost as tall as him "beautiful" he whispered.

Y/N looked like a vision to him.

She was wearing a chiffon, off the shoulder, a line, powder blue dress that gave her bump space and highlighted her pregnancy breasts. Light make-up and soft, casual hair, flat sandals.

Bucky was practically drooling and couldn't find words as he stared at her.

Y/N squeezed his hand "Bucky? You ok?"

Bucky was pulled from some totally inappropriate fantasy involving her perfectly displayed breasts and quickly looked up at her eyes, blushing.

"Sorry doll, you're just, you are a uh damn" he trailed off then shook his head. "You look beautiful." He offered his arm with a twinkle in his eye "Alright m'lady, let's have some fun."

Y/N took his arm and they went inside. She looked around like a tourist at the beautiful decorations, the famous people and their designer clothes. Rhodey came to greet them and they chatted for a bit with him and Sam.

They were approached by Nick Fury who surprised Y/N because he knew exactly who she was.

After an hour with no incidents Y/N started to relax and enjoy herself a little. She met a couple of her favorite actors and did a little fangirling over her favorite singer, someone she never thought she would get to meet.

She was touched by how Bucky interacted with the older veterans, more relaxed than when he spoke to the important donors that he had to get along with.

They had just sat down at their table when a woman stepped up to the microphone on the stage and the band stilled.

She went into a big thank you to all the attendees and donors who helped the veterans fund. She went on for a bit and Y/N zoned out, holding Bucky's hand and sipping on her juice until she heard "and especially thanks to our very special guest, the first Captain America Steve Rogers!!"

Y/N looked up and saw Steve on the stage. Young again and wearing a well fitted tuxedo. Then she looked to Bucky who was squeezing her hand.

He looked at her, concerned "Are you alright doll? We can leave whenever you want. Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you anymore."

They got up to leave before Steve left the stage but the crowd was difficult to get thru and before they made it to the door, he was suddenly in front of them with a nasty grin

"Well look what we have here, the whore and the bastard who stole her. You kids can't leave yet, we have a lot to talk about."

Chapter 9

[nukki93]

How long have you been 24/7? What advice would you give to someone looking to make the plunge? My biggest fear is wearing around friend/family/colleagues.

That's a really good question! I've been 24/7 for over 3 years now I guess. I don't have an exact date as it was a transition, but it should be at least 3 years without cheating.

I would summarize my advice as "be prepared and confident".

Organization/Item advices:

Always have at least 2 diapers and wet wipes for changing with you. Sometimes you'll stay somewhere longer as planned, drink more than you planned and spare diapers will come in handy. A very helpful item for that is a wet bag. You can find them on Amazon and they have two zippers and 2 diapers and a pack of wipes usually fit perfectly in them. You can drop it in your backpack and even if someone gets a glance on the content of your backpack everything will be hidden. It's also useful to store a used diaper if you can't get rid of it discreetly, because it's pretty air tight.

Also a nice item I use often is a tiny backpack. Decathlon sells them, they're very cheap and super handy to carry your wet bag and your purse. You can also drop your power bank or your iPad in there and you have a perfect excuse why you're carrying it around. It's also way more chill then carrying your full size backpack around all day.

Something to wear over your diaper. Look for underwear or onesies that hide your diaper safely. It will help you be way more relaxed around friends/family etc. If you have to worry that something is peeking out all the time it will be very stressful and you'll be constantly checking your waistband, if your t-shirt slipped up etc. which really hurts confidence while wearing. I got these awesome boxershorts from here, which are made for people that wear thicker diapers and they cover them completely. I even go to the gym with them without any problems.

Confidence advices:

You'll eventually have to change your diaper on the go. Start train to change in public restrooms. At the beginning it's probably very hard to do it when other people can hear you, but after doing it for 50 times you stop caring about it.

Addition to point 1: If you can't change your diaper while standing, learn it. It's almost unavoidable and if you leaned it, the results will be at least on par with laying down. Just prepare your diaper, grab the wings with the tapes behind your back, adjust the height, lay against a wall, pull the diaper up between your legs and close the tapes. I like to close the top ones first and then I can adjust the bottom tapes without having to lean on the wall anymore, but maybe the other way works better for you.

Place your bag with your diapers strategically: If you're visiting friends or family it might seem very hard to take your diapers to the toilet without it being noticed. I found that it often helps if you place your bag in the hallway. It's usually not weird to leave it there if you don't need it and when you head to the toilet you can just grab it and take it with you.

Have a good story. Think about how you want to explain it to others if they'll notice. This will only be for the absolute emergency if someone asks you about it. How do you want to explain it? Imo a white lie about being incontinent is fine, but everyone has to decide for himself. But if you have a story on hand, it will improve the situation greatly, if someone should really ask about it.

I guess that's a good starting point if you try to go 24/7. It takes time to get confident with all the little problems you'll encounter, but this is part of the journey (and hopefully fun) and you'll get better and better and at some point you'll go through TSA with a diaper on and you won't have any concerns.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS Para-Selene Vol.12 Mukami Ruki Animate Tokuten CD

Original title: DIABOLIK LOVERS Para-Selene Vol. 12 無神ルキ アニメイト 各巻購入特典ドラ

Source: Diabolik Lovers Para-Selene Vol. 12 Animate Tokuten CD

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Takahiro Sakurai

Translator’s note: What better date spot for Ruki than a book cafe? This man really has an obsession with literature after all. I’m not much of a reader myself, but Ruki’s natural charms could probably win me over to start reading more lol. I do wish the CD elaborated more on the picture book which the MC gave him though. It was really cute how she sees him in such a different light than he sees himself and it got me intrigued about the actual plot of the story. Unfortunately, it got completely forgotten afterwards as the focus shifted to the book Ruki picked out for her instead. 

The two of you are at a cafe. 

*Thud*

“I was somewhat worried that there might not be any open seats given the small size of the cafe, but we got lucky.”

You note that it is a very nice cafe.

“Yes. It’s a lovely store, isn’t it? I have always wanted to take you here. The library section over there is part of the interior, allowing you to enjoy a good book while also having a cup of coffie or tea.”

You tell him these kind of stores are rising in popularity. 

“Is that so? I had no idea these kind of book cafes were popular nowadays.”

A waiter approaches them.

*Thud*

“Ah, we’d like to order. For me...Hm. A decanter of mandheling coffee, please. What about you?”

You frown.

“Having a hard time deciding?”

You nod.

“Simply pick whatever you enjoy. ...However, I do not dislike how you are asking for my advice. Let me think. ...How about this red smoothie for you? I believe the berry base will make for a light drink. Besides, red is truly your color.”

You ask him what he means by that.

“Heh. No hidden meaning. If you have no issues with it, I’ll place our order. ...Okay. I would like one of these for her.”

The waiter leaves.

“Well then, why don’t we go pick out some books next?”

The two of you get up.

*Rustle*

“Hm? What’s the matter?”

You explain.

“Once again, you have come up with quite the strange suggestion. You want to pick out books for each other...In other words, you will choose a book which you want me to read?”

You nod.

“I do not mind, however, where is this suddenly coming from?”

You start blushing.

“Huh? Why get embarrassed about it now? Ahー I get it. To pick out a book for someone, you need to have a solid grasp of their interests and thoughts. One has to really think it through, trying to imagine what the other person would enjoy. I assume you want to enjoy seeing me go to such extends for you?”

You shake your head.

“I am not too far off, am I? You want me to pay mind to you, don’t you? Not a bad suggestion. In return, you should wreck your head picking out a book for me as well. I am sure you are aware what will happen...if you choose a book which is not to my liking?”

You flinch.

“Hah...Well, good luck looking for a book which fancies my tastes.”

*TIMESKIP*

You return.

“Heh. You sure took your sweet time. Our drinks have long arrived to the table.”

*Rustle*

“Oh? You went for a rather hefty-looking piece of literature. Is it a picture book?”

You nod and explain.

“I see. When you say it is a book you read as a child, it does pique my interest. However...I did not expect you to match me with a picture book.”

You start to panic.

“Don’t worry, I know. You went to the section with academic studies first, didn’t you? I saw you pick out one book after the other, dropping your shoulders in defeat. I assume you tried to go for something a little more sophisticated to fit my interests, but you failed to grasp the contents of them yourself, hence why you chose a different approach.”

You ask him if he was watching.

“Yes, I was watching? ...Is there a problem with that? ...Heh. Your face is bright red. It’s not like I’m not aware of your ignorance on the topic. Besides, I think it was a wise decision of you to go for something a little more in your comfort zone, rather than to force yourself to pick a difficult piece of literature. 

...So, what is so fascinating about this picture book?”

*Flip* 

“It is very colorful, that is for sure. So much so, I’d call it somewhat of a misfit for me.”

You frown.

“Eh...? ...! It fits me? I have a hard time seeing that. Personally, I would argue that black, white and other monotones fit me much better. I am that kind of man after all.”

You disagree. 

“You think so? That’s unexpected. Do I really give off such a vibrant image to you? ...I wonder if I have begun to change from spending time with you? I shall gladly read this picture book.”

You nod.

“Why do you seem so happy? ...Once a strange girl, always a strange girl, I suppose. ...Oh, right. I have yet to give you your book. For you, I have picked out Plato’s ‘The Apology of Socrates’.” 

You seem intimidated by the book.

“Your expression visibly changed. No need to be so nervous. It is actually much easier of a book than you might assume. I believe that by comparing the trial and the way the characters’ express their beliefs at court as described in the book with your own personal situation will make for an interesting interpretation of this Classic. ーー After all, you were thrown in the Vampire’s den, your life now in their hands. It might actually help teach you a thing or two.”

You get upset.

“I am only joking. Don’t take my words so seriously. I simply hope that this could serve as a leaway to introduce you to the world of philosophy. Go ahead and take a peek instead.”

*Flip*

“What do you think? ーー Although I suppose that is an unnecessary question. You are frowning. To think you would struggle from the second you turned the first page. ...Oh well, I suppose it cannot be helped.”

Ruki gets up.

“Allow me to take a seat next to you.”

*Thud*

“What’s making it so difficult for you? I’ll explain to you as you read.”

You seem flustered by the closeness.

“What’s the matter? The book is slipping from your hands. I’ll suppor your hands, so keep a tight grip, okay?”

*Rustle*

“...Hm? Is it just me, or is your face even redder than before? Don’t tell me...You’re not nervous simply because our hands are touching, are you?”

You explain.

Ahー I see. I’m sitting too close to you, correct? You do have a point. However, the book is too difficult for you to understand on your own, right? In which case, we will have to stay like this until we’ve gone through the entire thing.”

You ask for his help.

“Heh. ...Such a charming reaction. I’ll show some mercy and leave the teasing at this for today.”

Your eyes widen in surprise.

“Oh? You’ve only realized just now. Of course I did it on purpose. If I selected a difficult book, you would definitely seek out help from me. I could imagine your innocent reaction if I were to sit down next to you and read along from the same book...The end result was very much worth it.”

 You pout.

“No need to sulk. This is just my way of showing that I was thinking of you when I picked the book. When thinking of you and the feelings you trigger within myself, I felt a strong desire to simply spend time by your side.”

*Rustle*

“I want to feel your touch, even by something as simple as holding your hands like this. To feel your warmth. ...I simply could not stop those feelings from welling up inside of me. I suppose I truly have changed quite a bit ever since meeting you.”

You look up at him. 

“Hm? What’s the matter? If you want to say something, go ahead.”

You admit to feeling the same way.

“You feel the same way? How so?”

You explain.

“Heh. ...I see. In that case, let us stay like this for a bit. We can read a book just fine even while holding hands like this. Spending our afternoon drowning in a sea of words together does not sound half way.”

*Smooch*

ーー THE END ーー

[moonstruckme]

Oh babe I read your post about graduation and life after. I FEEL YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I’m graduating Friday and I pursued a film degree in a city with little to no opportunities for that industry. Don’t know why I did that. Sorry to my parents who sacrificed a lot to put me through school. Moving to a bigger city is not an option bc I can’t afford it. Might be moving back in with my parents might not be. Everyone is asking whats next for me. Girl idk. I’m stressed I’m anxious. I hate it here. The real world sucks and I just want to skip over all this character building stuff and get to the part of my life where I’m happy with a career and can actually afford groceries. Sometimes I wish my dreams weren’t as big.

Hi gorgeous! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I promise your degree has value whether you feel like you can get a job out of it right away or not, and I won't pretend to know how your parents feel but I doubt they would have sacrified anything if they didn't feel your education was worthwhile. Graduating from college is a big deal nonetheless ! We both know I'm struggling with this too but I have some pieces of advice that have been given to me and I've found helpful if you want them <3

Obviously, "almost no one works in something related to their degree" is a really disheartening thing to hear, and I bet you've been hearing it (like I have) a lot lately. But what I think the people who say that are trying to convey is that there is no shame in just doing a job that makes some money (and preferably also makes you happy), and sometimes that financial security can help you pursue your dreams with a bit more surety since you're no longer trying to find a way to eat at the same time.

A few months ago, I talked to my mom about how guilty I feel about potentially not being able to get a job relevant to my degree after she helped put me through college, and while I know not all parents feel the same way about this, I think she made some great points. She said that college is about learning how to think, and your education and the experiences you've had in college will always be valuable no matter what job you end up with. And did you have a good time? Did you like learning all those things you did about film? Did you meet some cool friends, or get to talk about your interests with people who get it? If so, none of it was wasted.

It's so, so easy to feel pressure from others when you're trying to figure out your life post-grad, but in my experience most of that pressure is really internal. People ask what's next for you because they're interested, not becuase they have any one specific path in mind, and the vast majority of the time if you seem happy, they're happy. If you're not happy, fuck it! Then your priority should probably be getting to a place where you are happy, and those conversations really don't matter when you've got bigger fish to fry.

Last thing, but as someone also struggling to re-orient herself in her life plan, I've been taking a lot of time to figure out my priorities. I kind of got stuck in this idea of what my life was going to be, and once that seemed less certain I started questioning what I wanted if I didn't have to do that. I'm making a pinterest board (always my first course of action haha), and it's helped me figure out that whatever I do, I want to be around nature and books, and to live in a mid-size city. Figuring out what I need to be happy has really put things into perspective for me, and I'm sorry I don't mean to assume we're in the exact same mental state but I just want to give you all the stuff that's been working for me in case any of it fits into your situation too.

You can still use your passion in film while working another job, or use that job to save to move to a larger city, or maybe even reflect and find that you're content keeping the film thing as a hobby and there's something else you enjoy doing for a career (I know how heartbreaking that can sound when you love something, but that's how writing has turned out for me so I just wanted to put it out there--feel free to reject it of course). For me, trying to open my mind to all the possibilities and re-evaluate what I want from the next few years has been super scary but also kind of exciting, and I hope that whatever happens for you you're able to find happiness in the big and little things. Wishing you all the best my love!

[sunlightandsuffering]

CONDOM BUYING CONTINUATION!

Eren stands in the grocery store, discretely eyeing up the aisles while Armin stands next to him nervously, Mikasa on his other side, attached to his hip, her arm linked with his. "It has to be this one," He proclaims boldly to the two and with confidence, he leads his best friend and girlfriend down the aisle vaguely labelled 'hygiene', the third aisle they've tried so far.

They find nothing but cleaning products and deodorant and Eren is ready to give up, do grocery stores not sell condoms anymore? "Oh my god," Mikasa clicks her tongue, "You two are so useless, follow me." She leads them to the next aisle over, where feminine hygiene products can be found, and there, next to the tampons and pads is the condom section. "I knew it all along I was just testing you Mika." She pinches his arm before leaning up for a kiss, long and slow, and she tastes like lemon today, her lips soft and still flavoured with the tart she was eating when she came over and Eren resists the urge to pull her in deeper.

"Whatever you say 'Ren."

He catches her by the waist before she can twist from his grasp, locking into his arms as Armin makes a disgusted noise, "You two are gross." Armin huffs as he squats down to look over the colourful array of condoms, "So what should I get?" "No fucking clue," Eren tells him casually from over Mikasa's shoulder, "Baby do you know?" She shakes her head, her hair brushing against his nose and he smells the faintest whiff of vanilla from her shampoo, he can't resist dropping another little kiss to her temple for good measure for being so cute and smelling so good and being so undeniably Mikasa. "Why did you two even come?" "To help you find the condom aisle," Mikasa supplies and Eren nods, teasing his friend "I just wanted to make fun of you, look Mika, they have sex toys too!" His girlfriend groans as he becomes distracted by the nearby vibrator, like a kid on Christmas.

"Should we get one?" He asks, his hand slipping down to tease at the line of her jeans, his lips finding her ear, "Could be fun!" Mikasa's face is colouring rapidly and he figures maybe he should tone it down a bit.

Armin huffs in irritation, "Stop flirting and help me you assholes." "Fine," Eren grumbles, letting go of Mikasa to kneel down next to his friend, he begins fingering through brands at a rapid pace. He may not use condoms, but he still remembers the good old days of puberty, rolling up to the drugstore after the puberty talk, self assured that he'd buy a box and use them with gusto.

Of course then he'd slept with Mikasa without one and decided rather promptly that condoms just weren't for him.

Spoiler alert: the box had never been used and he's pretty sure Mikasa had thrown them away when she'd found them in his room a couple months ago, afraid Carla would see and think they were up to naughty activities. Which of course they were, but she didn't need any evidence.

He looks back up at Mikasa to wink briefly before he begins his sage advice.

"These ones are glow in the dark, that's a bit much." Armin nods in acceptance, and Eren continues his perusal, "These are probably too small, I know what you're packing buddy." Eren pats Armin's arm reassuringly and Mikasa whistles at their friend who looks unbelievably uncomfortable. "These ones suck, these ones have a shitty logo, avoid those, and these ones-" "Eren I think that's enough," Mikasa teases him, "You're talking a lot of shit for someone who never uses them." "I'm trying to help!"

"Ignore him, Armin just get these trojans or something I feel like that's fine."

"Which size?" Mikasa makes a face, "I'd get a few sizes umm, just in case you know." "In case of what?" "In case they don't fit, because I can umm tell you from experience, you won't want to go the drugstore again to replace them." Eren looks at Mikasa smugly, the smirk practically engulfing his face and MIkasa brings a hand up to his cheek to shove him away while Eren cackles. "I don't want to know do I?" Armin questions. Mikasa blushes, shaking her head, "You really don't, just trust me, get a few sizes okay?"

"Thanks Mikasa."

"Are you sure you don't want these glow in the dark ones Armin? They look cool." "I'm going to kill you Eren." "Ooh they also have cherry flavour, but what are those for?" "Blowjobs," Mikasa supplies helpfully and he makes a face, "Why would you use a condom for a blowjob." "Have you ever practiced safe sex in your entire life?" Armin asks in exasperation and Eren shrugs innocently, he thinks the question is valid, why would you use a condom for a blowjob??? "No," Mikasa answers for him, "Never in his life." Eren beams, "And I won't be anytime soon because I have Mika baby right here and she's STD free and happy to blow me without a condom."

Mikasa sighs, and Eren takes this as his opportunity to slip into the feminine hygeine section of the aisle, "Baby you need more tampons right?" "Yes Eren," her reply is exasperated and Armin does not look impressed as he kneels in front of the large array of condoms. "How do you put up with him?" Mikasa shrugs, "It's the good sex, that's about it." "Hey!" Eren snaps back, turning around, a pout painted on his face, "I heard that, I'm good for other things too you know!" A reluctant smile curves his girlfriend's lips and she shakes her head fondly, "I guess, now go get me some chocolate from the candy aisle, we'll meet you at the front." Eren huffs before taking off in search of M&M candies, how ungrateful they are for his wealth of knowledge.

Ridiculous.

[bookwormally]

(I've been trying to get a feel for character voices and everyone wanted a scene like this, right?)

After breakfast, after retelling arguably the hardest week of his life, Will only wants one thing. Maybe two things. He wants to lie down in his bed and try not to dream. He'd also like to hold Nico in a place that's not trying to kill them, but that can wait. Nico had set off for the Hades cabin with the face of one going to do something important. He'll hardly begrudge Will for closing his eyes while he waits.

But cabin seven isn't empty when he pushes the door open.

For a moment it's like he's trapped in Epiales' nightmares again. Lester is standing in the center of the cabin, an empty quiver on his back. He turns and Will braces for anger, for a god's wrath. 'Heal him! My children are supposed to be the best.' Old blue eyes meet his and widen.

Then the sunlight brightens and Lester wavers like a mirage. He seems taller, older, brighter, and then he steadies. Apollo's eyes are the same ancient blue, but he's a proper adult now. Though his curls are thicker than they used to be, with brown undertones he never would have allowed before. "Will!" He's swept into the warmest hug he's ever known, though it's not the perfect fit his mom always finds. That doesn't matter now, not when Will can wrap his arms around his dad and pretend his throat isn't locked tight.

The moment stretches and Will manages to take a breath and then another. He’s aware of a shake and tries not to feel like a baby. The feeling drops away quickly, however, when he realizes his dad is shaking him and not the other way around. He pats Apollo’s back and has to ask, “Are you crying?”

“Yes,” Apollo answers immediately, unrepentant. “I’m delighted that you’re back from that awful place intact.”

“Somehow,” Will says with a touch of false bravado. He likes to think he’s better at it than his dad. “Nico and I did it together.”

Apollo squeezes him and then leans back. His hands rest on Will’s shoulders. It’s still hard to reconcile Lester, his age and what seemed like constant terror, and Apollo, the literal god of the sun whose old self-confidence was beyond planet earth in size. He glances at his dad’s hair again; he’s probably not the only one still trying to figure it out. At least right now his dad is here and looks like someone old enough to be so. His gaze feels the same no matter the form: heavy, old, and so brightly blue.

Will meets his eyes and tries not to cringe by how wet Apollo’s are. They’re alone; it’s not that bad. “I really am okay,” he tries to reassure. Part of him wishes he could stop being the one who has to.

“I still needed to check, best healer of Camp Halfblood or not.” Apollo touches a finger to the tip of Will’s nose and warmth sweeps through him, banishing the remaining ache. “You still need to rest.”

“I know that.” Will makes a face at him and the advice that falls near constantly out of his own mouth. “If you were going to come anyway, couldn’t you have come to breakfast? Mr. D and Chiron wouldn’t care.” Other gods might, but his dad has earned some rule bending in his opinion.

Apollo makes a face back, nose wrinkling. “I knew they could better handle you two after all that. I also do not need more commentary from Dionysus about my behavior. Younger siblings,” he ends with a scoff. But it quickly turns back into a small smile. “Plus, I wanted to check on you without you suffering me with an audience.” It’s a joke at his expense and Will smiles back.

“Thanks, dad.”

Unsurprisingly, this gets him swallowed in another hug. He doesn’t mind too much, letting the light and warmth that’s in his makeup surge in the embrace of their source. He doesn’t need to fear the shadows like he has for so long, but it’s nice to soak in the light again.

[hakubunii]

HC for Baka Trio and Souji when their partners have trouble taking dick.

✨You know what? I’m actually so fucking glad you asked anon!! I also ended up adding general nsfw hcs to bc,if I’m anything, I’m someone who goes overboard! This ask had me giggling and throwing my phone down. Get ready bc this one’s kind of long, no pun intended.✨

Hakuouki Boys With a Partner Having Trouble “Taking It”

Heisuke- First off, he’s very flattered and it secretly gives him an ego boost that his partner is having a hard time getting him in there. It must mean his junk’s big, right? (Yeah, IK that this is not always the case.) But then he gets a little freaked out that he’s hurting them and wants to stop immediately. He’s, like, actually distraught that he even had the slightest chance of hurting his lovebug. It takes a lot of coaxing from his partner for him to even try to have sex with them again. The problem could be that he’s a bit inexperienced and is having a tough time himself putting it in rather than his partner taking it. Either way, he’s like “OMG, I’m horrible in bed and they will never want to sleep with me again”. If it’s a him thing and he gets the hang of it, the whole issue is completely forgot about because…well…he’s got other priorities once it’s in. As for the partner struggling to accept him, he gets really nervous about it and almost needs more coaxing to put it in than his loved one who’s taking it. He probably confides into one of his bros for advice, and honestly? I think he’s probably a very good listener and fast learner about this kind of thing so he might be more capable after that. He likes when his partner gives him instructions bc, in the end, it will make things better for them. He can definitely be gentle- I mean, one of his quotes is literally “I’ll be gentle with you…” or something. This happens a lot throughout the whole shabang but he kisses his partner all over and is very vocally appreciative of their efforts. He probably says stuff like (and oh lord this kind of thing flusters me lmao): “I love you so much!” “thank you!” “You’re doing so good!” “You’re so beautiful/pretty/hot/tight/warm/wet/ect” “you feel so good.” He also just kind of babbles incoherently, too enthralled with you to make any kind of sense at all. Bro’s loud and obvious when he’s going to town. He’s actually been scolded a few times for getting carried away and annoying everyone. He just gets so excited, he doesn’t know how to keep quiet. He’s the same way with leaving marks- it’s like he’s so into it, he doesn’t even realize he’s left like a million hickies on you. If you scold him, he’ll try to have some self restraint and this will naturally improve with time. Real big on “Do you need me to hold you’re hand?” If they seem like their struggling. Speaking of the aforementioned size thing, I think he’s like…probably above average, not gigantic or anything but enough for someone to be like “….huh, would you look at that. 😳” If his partner was also inexperienced, it might take them a while to fit him in. He’s also like a damn jackrabbit in bed- has lots of stamina and gets a “little” too excited and just starts going ape shit in you. His body just naturally wants to do things a bit faster and that kind of reflects in the bedroom. He kind of does everything in excess and is slightly impatient about sex- he’ll wait or take it slow but his body is like “for the love of God, let me freak out up in this bitch” and that’s hard for him to restrain himself. If you look at him and tell him to “go nuts” he will absolutely take that chance to. When this happens and he’s done with you, you’re kind of just sat up there in bed while he’s asleep, dumbfounded, covered in marks, hair destroyed, and probably full of his…you know. (For those who can get pregnant) You think to yourself “If I keep indulging him, I’m bound to be with child by next Spring.”

Shinpachi- Oh…..That’s not good. He almost doesn’t even notice until he glances down and realizes that he’s not even in there. It’s a little embarrassing for some reason. He’s still super chill about it, why would he be upset with you over such a thing when you allowed him to sleep with you. He’s very strong so he kind of just picks you up, bends you, or holds you in every which way, trying to figure out what position will help get it in there. He’s a big fan of taking it from behind or hoisting you up and taking you like that (reverse cowgirl in the air anyone?) He’s actually pretty reassuring about the whole thigh, understanding that this is something that happens and that he’s a big guy. He makes sure to bring something that will help him fit in you better next time you’re alone. He’ll probably start calling you little lady/Little guy- referring to your entrance. He does kind of brag about you having trouble accepting him inside of you but he’s also big on “kissing and telling” to his close friends, much to their dismay. Like his hair pulled. A big fan of when his partners fan the flames of his ego. He can get super rough and he makes note to stop certain behaviors if it’s too much for you. He’s pretty loud but will shut up for once if your on top riding him. He’s too mesmerized to say anything- he just stares at you, mouth open, and eyes wide. Hell pull you into him to sit on his lap a lot. HE HATES A MF SUIT but he’ll wear it with pride if you tell him he looks hot in it. Likes doing it drunk- or honestly any other time, he’s just extra thirsty when inebriated and will either send tons of intimate pictures or just can’t keep his hands off you. Like when you sit on his face, a lot…like he gets real sloppy doing it and you’re like “you slut…” Kind of likes partners a bit more chubby with a filler figure, likes the way it jiggles and how squeezable it is. Big fan of ass, tummy’s, and thighs. He’ll grope you in public if he thinks he can get away with it. Don’t bother wearing a sexy outfit for him, he’ll take one look at you and rip it off.

Sanosuke- I hope you like praise and affirmations! Also? It’ll take you by surprise but he’ll dirty talk you like a mf. Like, it’s almost too much and really gets you flustered. Really into being called Daddy in bed. He’s pretty considerate though and often will read you to figure out what things you like so he can use it to his advantage later. He’s pretty good at reading folks in general and will use that just to figure you out. He takes notes of things that flusters you or turns you on throughout the day- really determined to know what makes you tick.

As for the “trouble taking it” thing, he’s very calm about this, positioning you in different way, gently trying to get you to accept him. He figures it could be a number of reasons: his size, your angle, is it lubricated enough, are you excited enough, or even if you’re just a bit too nervous. He’s actually kind of an angel how patient he is about the whole thing. Instead of trying to force it in, he’s more concerned about going in when your body is ready. he’s dealt with this problem a few times and has a good amount of confidence to tackle it. Until you two can figure out this conundrum, he’ll please you in other ways. He has no qualms about just laying you down somewhere and focusing only on making you feel good. He’s got a mouth and hands, after all.This is why your little problem won’t last for long to be honest. Once he finally gets it partially in, he’ll be very deliberate and gentle about sliding the rest of himself deep in you. He’ll take notice in your discomfort and ask if you’d like to continue. If you say ‘yes’, he’ll instruct you to take deep breaths as he fills you completely, modeling them for you by going “Breath in, breath out”. It’s surprisingly soothing. He wants to make sure you feel calm and comfortable while the two of you make love and will hold your hand if that’s what it takes. He offers a lot of praise for how well you’re doing accepting him, how brave you are, what a good girl/boy/lover you are and how proud he is of you. It’s really hot too lmao. He knows he’s got it going on and uses his confidence in that to his advantage, playing your body like a fiddle.

He does NOT want to share you at all and is willing to beat the hell out of anyone who puts their hands on you. He trusts you and is confident in you but he still hates when men stare at you for too long. (This is for people who have babies) If you’re in the throngs of passion and happen to mention something along the lines of “Put a baby in me” “get me pregnant” or “Wait. You’re going to get me pregnant”, he will make absolute certain you’ll be carrying his baby in the next couple weeks.

Souji- Boy….He’s a tease. If you were having trouble accepting him, I think he might be a little alarmed at first. He’s pretty smart, so he’ll figure it out, but there’s just a few minutes where he’s perplexed and annoyed with himself. Despite how sexy and playful he can be, you’re surprised to discover that he doesn’t really have any experience. He might even have less experience with women in general than Heisuke. He hadn’t been interested in them before you- women or sex. He eventually gets it in there and lets out what almost sounds like a sigh of relief to you. He likes being touchy-feely with you, mostly enjoying when you were affectionate with him. He’s got an iron will so you can’t really tell if he’s close or not, not until he tells you at least. He actually prefers to use his hands with you anyhow. He teases you relentlessly. He loves making fun of the faces and sounds you make. He’ll probably bring it up long afterwords. He loves sneaking secret touches when he’s supposed to be focusing on daily tasks, sneaking a kiss when no one is looking, always touching you, his hand accidentally brushing the small of your back when he’s passing you. Calls you “little kitten” affectionately much to your dismay. He knows you like it. In modern AU, he’s constantly sending you scandalous pictures at inappropriate times. Really reallly leans into the cat theme, often getting you cat ears and various cosplays that he expects you to wear for him- sometimes asking if you’d wear them in public. You refuse. He almost becomes one of those discord mods. He adores taking pictures of you wherever you are: On the train, at school, the grocery store, sometimes while you’re doing it- actually a lot of the times you’re doing it. He just likes being able to look at you later. God help, anyone who scrolls too far in his gallery, they might actually be met with something unbecoming.

(now back to either modern or original time period) He’ll torture you with either nonstop orgasms or will edge you until you beg him to cum. He likes watching you squirm. You look cute when your begging, red faced, with tears rolling down your face. Saying all kinds of embarrassing, filthy things to you as he does so. He likes hearing you say his name, more so when your pleading. He’s a bit of a sadist in and out of the bedroom. As long as you’re overstimulated, he’s happy. Don’t worry though, he is a big fan of when you’re in control and take what’s yours too. Maybe even more so than when he’s tormenting you.

[aroaceconfessions]

i’m aroace, but i don’t feel super connected to my aro identity, since i love the idea of dating people, of shipping, even writing romance in my own stories/fics. which isn’t to say that ppl who do those things are any less aro, or any less connected to the community, it’s just… that i really feel that way. plus the aro stereotype, while obviously satirical in some aspects, is just… not me. i love my friends, i love valentine’s day, the idea of kissing someone and living with them and being in a romantic relationship all sound great to me, and i can see myself in those scenarios. the only unappealing thing to me is any sort of sexual aspect, since i’m ace but really don’t want to have sex or even kiss anyone for too long, neither are my thing.

so i was wondering— anyone with similar thoughts, or advice? i know that like, in theory, objectively, aro is the right label for me — i don’t feel romantic attraction, not a bit of it. however, i also read that labels are not meant to be constructing, and aro… aro feels constricting. i don’t have internalised arophobia to work thru — this is something i have thought about a lot, in depth, and aro never really seems to fit. it’s a like sweater that’s my size and my favourite colour, but when i put it on, it clings too tight and feels all wrong. i can’t exactly give a whole reason why — again, no arophobia, i understand and love the community, love aro content i read, and i support aros in lgbtq spaces. however, despite being objectively the definition of aro, i…. y’all, the label doesn’t feel right, it feels more uncomfortable than comfy.

i also read a lot about how lgbtq spaces online have boxed everything into strict definitions and condemned people for existing slightly outside of them — which is true, and i have that, and i think this may be that, but i’m just… terrified. i feel like an imposter, just looking for attention. like i don’t belong in the lgbtq community or with the cishets. nothing makes sense.

i often say that i’m nonbinary and ace, but i’m also not happy with just stating those two things — because that implies that i feel romantic attraction, which i don’t, and that doesn’t feel true to me or the labels i wan to use. i…. gosh. i don’t know.

agender is a label that objectively describes my gender, but i don’t use it. i guess i just wish that there was something like for aro — a blank void, a clean slate, that said ‘none of this’ and make what you want of it. the aro label doesn’t feel like that for me. i don’t know what to do.

other labels such as bi or pan don’t fit either — since i don’t experience romantic attraction, and don’t fit the stereotype of those labels either, i… identified as bi for a long time before i realised i was aro, and i felt just as confused as i did now. i’m just so confused! i’ve finally found a label that objectively fits what i experience! i’m proud of the community and how many strides we’ve taken. but why then, why, why, does it not feel like fits me?

i’m not heteroromantic and nb, like one of my friends somewhat was, but that’s the impression i probably give, because i can’t find anything that feels like home to me within the aro labels. i don’t know why. i feel awful about it.

Submitted February 10, 2023

[thatalien404]

T, Voice change, Voice therapy

Just remembered I now have lived experience as someone transitioning so I'm going to talk about my experiences with trans masc voice stuff for anyone interested or thinking about it. For context Voice was one of the few things I was super dysphoric about to the point that I couldn't listen to myself on recordings and stopped speaking to strangers unless I had to.

Voice changes on T (how it feels, voice cracks etc.)

I take injections and so voice change happened p quick for me. I wanna say about 2 months in it became fairly noticeable for me. Obviously your voice doesn't change all at once and it took several more months for my voice to really settle. you don't really need to do any exercises or anything it just kind of happens. Even if you're like me and really want a lower voice it still takes getting used to, not in how it sounds but in that the actual physical shape of your vocal chords change so that takes getting used to; I had voice cracks a lot when I spoke animatedly and tbh it was really funny. In my experience these mostly happened because I was used to really pitching my voice up and was trying to hit pitches I couldn't properly do anymore, so I think if you're worried about voice cracks just try not to scream or go super high pitched and you'll probably be fine. Singing took me probably the most getting used to because I wasn't sure what pitch was natural for me anymore, but I am not trained or in a choir or anything, and singing is still very much possible with a little practice and adjustment so if that's your main reason for not wanting to get on T I wouldn't worry about it so much. if you are a singer/want to sing and also want T my advice would be to find a voice coach and/or go to voice therapy bc these things are super helpful for that. Basically even though your voice changes, where you speak from doesn't, so that coupled with my voice still settling resulted in a few months where I sounded like a 13 y/old boy. it was pretty funny (imo), and also I heard myself on video and for the first time didn't physically cringe.

My advice if you're nervous: I assume there are some people who are hesitant to get on T because they are worried about the change to their voice or are worried about the "settling period" I talked about. if you don't want your voice to get deeper I would advise looking into T that is not Injections, talking to your doctor and asking other people their experiences. In mine, I definitely lost some of the higher end of my vocal range and my normal speaking range is within the masculine range. if you're just worried that you'll end up sounding weird because of your "feminine cadence" like I was it's kind of a non-issue. Like I said I had a period where I ended up sounding a but immature because of where I was speaking but nobody that I talked to said I sounded odd or feminine, just kind of tinny.

Voice Therapy

Just to clarify voice therapy is in no means a requirement to sound masc, and I understand it is a bit of a privilege, but I did it so here's what I took away from it: There is no one size fits all in regards to sounding masculine. Voice therapy is more about figuring out how you want to sound and then what to do to achieve that, be it changing where you speak from, or your cadence. you can also focus on singing but I didn't do this. for me I found typically masculine cadences (ie. a little more monotone and with a more clipped ending) kind of uncomfortable, and ended up focusing on changing where I speak from. (speaking from further in my throat as opposed to my soft pallet) this was in part just to make my speaking voice more physically comfortable, because higher tones were more strenuous now, but I also am much happier with how my voice sounds now. Also, a lot of voice therapy is just sitting in a room (or zoom call in my case) with someone and making sounds/repeating phrases so it feels very silly and kind of embarrassing. You also will get homework. unfortunately relearning where you speak from just takes a lot of repetition, However, for me once I figured out how I liked sounding it became much easier to keep at it. It's also worth noting that voice theater is not a magic cure. There is a limit to how deep you can comfortably make your voice, but not having the deepest voice imaginable won't prevent you from sounding masculine and what I found doing voice therapy, and talking to people who knew me was that a lot of my concerns were imaginary. I know hearing "oh but you sound super masc" doesn't help with dysphoria but being able to hear my own voice and knowing that I wasn't going to be assumed female bc of how I sounded did.

Anyway I can't think of anything else to write on the topic atm and I am currently recovering from top surgery (this sounds like a joke) + constantly forget that tumblr exists, BUT if you have questions or just want to talk to someone please feel free to ask in DMs or Tags or wherever.

I'm 22, in the US, and have been on T for about a year and a half now. I am by now means an expert, but if I can help you out with info or advice in any way I want to help as much as I can.

[i-cast-teatus-deletus]

Post-surgical nutrition is not one of my real areas of interest for this blog, for a lot of reasons. For example, as surgeries go, top surgery isn't a particularly invasive surgery and the recovery time isn't particularly long. Nutrition is also a somewhat complicated topic because there's no one-size-fits-all solution and trying to be specific enough to be useful but general enough to cover even part of the spectrum of possible diets is pretty difficult.

This is a moderately long article with a lot to think about, but I think that they managed to give a lot of very specific advice that will suit a wide variety of people. Some things that it includes that are difficult to find in a lot of articles on post-surgical nutrition are:

Written (at least partially) by an Registered Dietician who has a MHSc (Master of Health Science) as well.

Doesn't recommend any additional supplements outside of regular vitamins, a particular pet peeve of mine because of the ridiculously lax regulations on supplements in the states. I mean, maybe bromelain or arnica or whatever helps, but most likely it has zero benefit and at the risk of getting a supplement that's incorrectly labeled or intentionally tainted/cut with other products.

Wide variety of food recommendations, including some recs that would work for someone who's vegetarian or has specific food allergies. Some of the products they mention specifically are pretty cost-effective, as well.

Pretty reasonable recommendations on how to increase calorie intake after surgery without confounding the point with a bunch of diet talk.

I likely won't add anything else about post-surgical nutrition unless it's a similarly high quality source (though I am making a tag for it), but even if I don't, this is a pretty robust resource that probably doesn't need supplemented.