#maybe hope/happiness/feeling seen. but also sad that i havent been able to do it yet??

[pasta5284]

learning abt resilience & mindfulness practices is like. dont cry just thinking about being kind to yourself. dont cry realizing youre allowed to treat yourself well. dont cry dont cry dont cry

[lovebug5151]

Family Bonding (With a hint of Angst) Robodad Grian Au

(Yes, unless y'all have better ideas for the name of this Au, this is what i’m going with lmao. If you do have any, go ahead and say em! If i like it and it fits, ill rename it and say it was your idea in the next chapter.)

So this is about 2040 words, and i’m quite happy with it. I don’t think I made this one as sad as the first one, but im not sure. I actually have a story line for up to ch 5 of this story, and I hope that this is one of the last true sad chapters (Though I might spice some things up, dont want things too happy, do ya :D

This is also about a week or so after the events of the first chapter.

Grian sat on top of his mansion, just watching and listening to the wind, breathing in, and out. He needed to clear his head. Earlier Mumbo had made a offhand comment about how Grumbots heart was missing, and ‘maybe it fell into the ocean’ before laughing. 

While Grian knew Mumbo didn’t have the same background as he did with considering Aware AI’s ‘just robots’, he had called Grumbot son, even if it was awkwardly. It hurt Grian, to know that Mumbo might hurt Grumbot, even unintentionally, if he did see him. And Jrumbot… he was just a child, his dad saying hurtful things would hurt him so much more.

Grian had to quickly finish up what he was doing, and rush back to his base to breath. He couldn’t work beside Mumbo at the moment, couldn’t explain how Mumbo had hurt him, and so had run off. 

Grian leaned forward slightly to look down. It was a far drop. Grian had never truly been afraid of heights, he loved climbing high in the air. 

It was joked that it was because he was short, that he liked to be tall, but he just liked feeling the wind rush around him, and the feeling of falling and pulling up right before hitting the ground. It was elating, and whenever he was feeling bad he just took a leap off a roof and fell, before swooping up using his elytra. 

He wondered if Grumbot would like flying, he could fix up some Jet boots for him, maybe mechanical wings? Yeah, he’ll make some wings for Grumbot and if he liked them, maybe some for himself. He liked the idea of being able to mostly hover in one place. 

He let out a breath and looked at the sun. It was nearing lunch, and if he didn’t come inside Grumbot would come looking for him. 

Grian swooped down, landing in front of the door, before heading inside. 

--------

Grumbot hummed as he finished cooking some steak. He and Jrumbot were able to eat regular food, and no one knew how, but neither Grumbot or Grian really wanted to question it so they let it be.

He put the steak on plates and turned around just as his Dad walked in. He smiled and said hi to him while bringing the plates to the table. Jrumbot was already there and they sat on chairs to eat.

It was quiet for a moment before Grian yawned. “Have you two ever wanted to fly?” 

Grumbot looked at him weirdly for a second before nodding. “Yeah, kinda, but I'm way too heavy for an elytra.”

Jrumbot paused with his steak halfway in his mouth

“If fould fe fun fu fly” He said, still chewing his food. 

Grian sighed slightly and smiled at Jrumbot 

“Jrumbot, dont talk with your mouth full.”

Jrumbot finished his mouthful and squirmed slightly. “Sorry.”

“|Its alright. Its just something to that we dont make a mess okay?” Grian told him.

“Okay.” Jrumbot muttered, before continuing “But yeah! It would be so fun to fly!”

Grian smiled “I have an idea then, but let's finish eating, yeah?” Both of them nodded at him before starting to eat their steak again.

After dinner, Jrumbot went to go mess with some of the blocks Grian had given him, and Grian and Grumbot went down to the Lab. They called it a Lab, but it was just a basement with too many tech pieces in it.

Grumbot sat down in a chair before waiting for Grian to talk, while Grian went over to look at something on a table.

“Dad,” Grumbot started, when it was obvious Grian wasn't gonna start talking “What was with the questions about flying?”

Grian glanced back at him. “Not much, I was just thinking about something. You both know how you're too heavy for elytras, but I was thinking, if we remade some of your body into lighter but still strong metals, and used,” His talking stopped as he walked towards a wall. Grumbot was confused until suddenly a Shulker Box opened.

Grumbot stared for a second before laughing. “How did i not know that was there?” He got out between giggles.

Grian smiled at him. “I havent opened it around you, and you haven't snooped. I'm not surprised you haven't found it. I keep my old ideas in there, old blueprints, old mechanical pieces I just couldn't throw away, those sort of things.” Grian started unrolling a big piece of paper “And I remembered I had a blueprint of these old things.”

Grumbot stood up to look at the paper, and after taking a moment to understand it, froze with excitement. He glances up at Grian with a giant smile, and Grian smiled back.

---------

Grian let out a oof as Grumbot collided with him. Grumbot was giggling uncontrollably, and Grian was happy that Grumbot was happy. Grumbot let go to look at the blueprint again and looked up with eyes so full of excitement that Grian felt excited too.

“Can we actually make these?” Grumbot asked, almost bouncing up and down.

Grian laughed and nodded. “Yeah, we'll have to test them out, but there's no reason we can't. It will take a while.” He warned Grumbot “And I will test out the wings first when we think they're ready.”

He saw Grumbot take a breath, to say something when Grian continued. “I haven't tested these designs yet. I would rather, if something goes wrong, to have me gone for a couple days respawning, and you safe, instead of you-” Grian couldn't even finish the sentence before he had to take a deep breath before the tears started coming. “Instead of you getting hurt.” He ended quietly, putting his hand on Grumbots shoulder. Grumbot looked down for a moment, before looking up at Grian with sadness. 

“I understand Dad, but please don't get hurt, Don’t d-die and have to respawn, I don't know what I'd tell Jrumbot.”

Grian looked at him and smiled sadly. “I wasn't planning on dying anytime soon kid. Let's start figuring out what we need to get for the wings, yeah?” Grumbot nodded excitedly, and bolted for the metals cabinet. Grian laughed as he followed along.

--------

Grian Yawned and stretched out his arms. They were all sitting in front of a fireplace, enjoying tea and Jrumbot was cuddling with Maui.

The good feeling couldn't last forever though, because eventually Jrumbot looked up and over at Grian. “Dad,” He started “Why haven't we seen Papa?”

Grian froze for a second before closing his eyes. He didnt wanna talk about this to them, he didn't want to hurt them.

“Dad?” Grumbot questioned, seeing his Dad freeze up and look on the verge of tears.

Grian sighed and rubbed his face. “Both of you come here.” He murmured finally, patting the couch he was sitting on either side of him.

Grumbot and Jrumbot quickly came over to sit beside him, and Grian put both his arms on their shoulders.

Grian took a deep breath. “You have not seen mumbo, and have not been able to explore outside of my mansion area, for a couple reasons. One of these is that I'm not too sure how mobs will react to you, and How you'd react with being hurt by a mob. The other,...” Grian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, letting his chin drop to his chest. “The other,” Grian continued, “Is because I'm not too sure of how the other Hermits would react to you.” He finally looked up and saw both of them staring at him in confusion. Grian tried to explain. “I'm one of the only ones who have experience with actually aware AI’s, I believe, and when some people are scared of something, they decide that they should hurt it before it hurts them.” He took another deep breath and looked into Grumbot and Jrumbots eyes, one after the other. “I do not believe that many of the Hermits would react this way, but I don't know exactly how they would react, and I don't want them to hurt you, either unknowingly or not.”

He saw Grumbots eyes widen and Jrumbots eyes narrow slightly. “I understand that reasoning dad,” Jrumbot started “But why haven't we seen papa?”

Grian sighed again. “Do you two remember yesterday morning, when I came back early and stayed on the roof for a bit?” they both nodded and Grian continued. “I did that, because Mum- Papa, upset me with his words.” He said, before taking a pause. He didn't look at either of his boys, but rather the ceiling as he said “He made some not nice jokes about Grumbot. Both of you must know however,” Grian started saying immediately when they both froze “That Mumbo doesn't know much about Aware AI’s. He believed Grumbot was an unaware aware AI, and that he was killed when he broke down. He did not know you had actual feelings, instead of manufactured ones. Mumbo often has issues figuring out other people's emotions, and most of the time redstone doesn't have emotions. Mumbo doesn't know about you two, and you haven't seen him,” Grian was starting to slow as he tried to find the words he needed. “Because, Because I am afraid. He murmured quietly. I am afraid he will unwittingly hurt you with his words, and I didnt want that to happen before you were aware it could happen. I'm sorry I kept this from you, but I wasn't aware of how to say it, or if you were ready for it, and decided to let one of you bring the topic up.”

There was silence for a moment before both of his boys hugged him. “I understand Dad,” Grumbot murmured into his shirt. “You didn't want us to get hurt, but thank you for telling us now.” Jrumbot nodded in agreement and Grian let out a wet laugh. Sounding on the edge of tears he said “What did I ever do without you boys?”

Grumbot pulled away and giggled as he said “Forgot about eating dinner.”

Grian paused before letting out a loud laugh which made Grumbot and Jrumbot start giggling.

“I can't say you're wrong.” Grian laughed, running a hand through his hair.

Grian then yawned, and stood up to stretch. “However nice this bonding session has been.” Grian started, turning toward his boys. “I believe it is bedtime. No buts!” he smiled at them as he said that, both of them having opened their mouths to deny it. It is nighttime, and very dark, and both of you need sleep.”

“Will you read to me dad,” Jrumbot murmured, fidgeting on the couch.

Grian smiled at him. “Of course, you only need ask.” He smirked at Jrumbot before saying “However, the first one to get to your room gets to pick the book, and oh look, Grumbots already at the hallway-” Jrumbot shrieked out a laugh as a sudden race took place in the hallway, and Grian smiled as he tidied the place up, talking the mugs to the kitchen to wash tomorrow.

He then walked to the boys bedroom, to find Jrumbot pouting as Grumbot sat on his bed.

“What will the story be?” Grian asked them, and Grumbot smiled before saying, “what about the one about the Dragons saving the world?”

Jrumbot glanced up with wide eyes and Grian grinned. Even though Grumbot had obviously won, he had also chosen his brother's favorite book to read.

Grian walked over to the bookshelf and found the book, “A Warrior's Tail” before walking to Jrumbots bed. He started reading to them, and within the third chapter, they were both asleep. 

Grian smiled and leaned over both of them to kiss their foreheads, before whispering ‘night’ and leaving the room. He walked toward his own bedroom and climbed into bed. Grian looked at the ceiling and felt Maui joined him, purring as he curled up around Grians head. He reached up to scratch Maui under the chin, before yawning and turning off his lamp.

That talk was one he had been dreading, and it went over quite well. Grians last thought before sleeping was ‘Maybe I should introduce them to another Hermit.’

-----------

For whatever reason, Autocorrect really hates all names. Anyways, I know who the Hermit is, But do any of you? I want to see who you think the hermit is!

Also, if you liked this story, please comment! I loved reading all of your comments on the last one! They helped me make this chapter as quick as possible! (I may also be procrastinating on other stories with a Grumbot Fix-it Fic but, oh well)

[latetaektalk]

hiiiiiii 🥰

ahh well, I’ll definitely let you know once I get around to reading it!! omg, never let me go is so bleak, so yah, you’ll love it if you love a good cry, like me hehe!

spirited away is literally like no other movie I’ve ever seen, and I was on the fence on whether to give it 4 or 5 stars, I think really it’s a 4.5 but there’s no half a star emoji haha. I’ve had family over so only half way through howl’s moving castle but I love it so far, so think it’ll be highly rated!

eeeek a fellow marvel fan!!!! I frickin love anything fantasy, LOTR, HP ⚡️ so, I don’t have favourites of anything, I’m so so indecisive, but a few of my favourites are cappie winter soldier, (probably the first marvel movie I really loved), thor ragnarok, GOTG, infinity war, civil war, black panther, spiderman. also the disney+ show wandavision is so good! I love scarlet witch 🧙‍♀️ also, I know it’s not marvel, but frickin love into the spider-verse!!! what’s your favourite marvel movie?? and what are your favourite movies in general?

hmm, good question… my favourite lego set is probably my new york set, it’s the first one I made during lockdown and it brought me joy during a bad time!

ah I was so waiting for a good time when I heard the title for the song, and when I listened to it, I was like, I should have known it was gonna be a sad girl summer. I haven’t, I’ll definitely check it out. I love hot ones interviews, did you see olivia rodrigo’s one, it was so funny! I love billie eilish’s new song, happier than ever, but I still need to listen to her new album!

I’ve always wanted to play piano, do you still play? yeah, I really hope she does!! but even if she doesn’t, fans always come through and do amazing versions themselves on youtube, but it would be awesome if she did official versions !!

speak soon, 🦋.

hello love !!

i definitely love a good cry, so im looking forward to getting it !! be ready for me to rant a bunch to you when i finish it!! and yes oh my god spirited away has a special place in my heart 💕 i watched that film during different stages of my life, and ive just grown such an appreciation for it! and im glad youre enjoying howl's moving castle! i really love that film too,,, in general im just in love with every ghibli film asdfsa also! i hope you had a great time with your family !!

ahhhh i see your a fantasy lover!! im not gonna lie, im not much of a fantasy fan and also havent actually finished the harry potter books/films but im always amazed by the people that are! i just know i wont be able to remember all of the lore 🤧 marvel lore is already enough for me sadfas and ahhh your taste is just ✨✨ im happy to hear that youre enjoying wandervision !! i dont have disney+ so i havent actually watched it yet,,, but im glad you like it! and oh my god i still gotta watch the spider-verse too asdf ive been so lazy with watching things these days lmao and even tho i agree with you that its impossible to choose any favourites, i do think that the first GOTG film is my favourite! its pretty much the first marvel film i ever saw and i just fell in love 💘💘 and aside from the marvel films, i really love romcoms !! my favourites are probably 500 days of summer and about time! both have a very special place in my heart because theyre just so goddamn great 💓 i also absolutely love the ocean's films !!! i think ive rewatched these films about a dozen of times now,, like whenever i dont know what to watch ill put it on! and obviously also spirited away ✨

ohh i see !! i just googled it and the set is so pretty! im glad to hear that it brought you joy during a bad time!!

and yeah stoned at the nail salon could have either been a really happy or sad song,,, and honestly with lorde i was expecting the latter LMAO and yes please do check it out!! it was a lot of fun!! and yeah ive seen olivia's hot ones interview !! now that lorde and olivia have done it im just waiting for a certain miss taylor swift to do it too to finish off the trio 👀 and right! i gotta listen to billie's new album too!! i really enjoyed her first album, so hopefully ill get around to listening to it soon! have you listened to it now? if so, what are your thoughts?

no, i quit around two years ago,, to be honest, i never wanted to learn in the first place asfds i was kinda forced into it by my parents rip and never really developed much of a passion for it 🤧 but if you wanna play piano, im sure you can teach yourself !! i feel like piano is a rather easy to learn, at least compared to other instruments! have you looked into that maybe? and if you dont wanna teach yourself, taking a couple lessons and learning the basics should be enough for most people !! i hope you get to around learning the piano one day !! im sure youll enjoy it because it really is a beautiful instrument 💘

anyway, please have a nice day love!! love you lots 💓

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[sanguinarius-archive]

Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he’s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

[makknays]

slow dancing in the dark.

requested.

Hi! Jungkook, angsty. You and Jungkook are best friends, and he has a crush on some girl. You support him all the way, until you realize your feelings for him when he gets together with his crush. You finally snap and tell him in front of everyone. You stop communicating with each other, and you find a nice guy to be with. Jungkook and the girl break up, and he realizes what he’s missing.

genre: minor angst cuz im terrible at writing it / romance / collegestudent!jungkook

word count: 4.2k

a/n: originally inspired by slow dancing in the dark by joji but then the plot went all types of ways ,, also im not gonna lie i havent proofread so this might just be all over the place 

Your relationship with Jungkook had always been a bit complicated; you guys were really good friends but to everyone else it always seemed like the two of you were so much more than that; every now and then even you thought so but you shut down the idea in fear of ruining an amazing friendship. It was the end of summer and Jungkook was moving away for university whilst you still had a year of high school left. “You promise you’ll visit soon?”, you asked before he left the city which the two of you were so used to. “Of course, I can’t stay away from you for too long now, can I?”, he chuckled before hugging you goodbye and driving into the distance with a piece of you with him.

It’s not like life was that different without Jungkook around; the two of you had attended different high schools whilst he was here with you but you missed being able to call him whenever and make plans spontaneously, and of course, he missed that too. He would facetime you every few days so he could update you on what was happening in his life and so that he could hear you go on about yours.

“Hey, you know Hazel?”, you asked as you started your homework on facetime to Jungkook. “Mhm.” “It’s her birthday this weekend and she’s throwing this party and…”, you started but trailed off, getting distracted by your other task. “And?” “And I just wish you were gonna be there; we always attend parties together. It’s not the same without you here.” you pouted, turning your attention back to Jungkook. “I wish I could be there too; I honestly miss you so much and I’m never gonna find anyone like you here.” he softly told you. “Can you come?” you suggested. “This weekend?” “Yeah.” “I don’t know, I’ve got a lot going on over here, I finally landed a date with that girl I’ve been telling you about, you know, Sam, and if it was any other weekend I would but there’s just so much to do.” he told you, almost spiralling. “It’s okay, I know you’re busy. I just miss you so much. Hope the date goes well.”

It was now the weekend and you were preparing for Hazel’s 18th beside her and a few other friends. “You really went all out for this birthday, huh?”, you teased. “Of course! It’s my 18th! Why wouldn’t I?” she laughed as she went searching for her curling iron. “So who’s coming?”, Robyn asked from the corner of Hazel’s room. “Pretty much everyone, including people who were seniors last year. Well the ones that are around are coming.” she explained. “Seniors from last year? Like who?”, Chanelle asked. “Oh like you know Namjoon and his friends.” “But I thought those guys all moved away.”, you told the group. “Maybe they came back for my birthday.”, Hazel giggled.

Finally, it was Hazel’s time to shine. She entered the the room as though she was royalty, all eyes were on her. “Hi everyone!” she screamed as she entered and told everyone to resume to what they were doing before, before she walked over to you and your friends. “How was my entrance?” she joked. “Splendid, your Highness.” you replied, teasing her a little. “You promised not to tease me, it’s my birthday.” “Birthday party.” you corrected, but you both knew it was just light banter. “So, where are last year’s seniors?” Chanelle asked. “Why are you like this? You’re always pining after those guys.” Robyn laughed. “They’re good looking, okay?” “___, is Jungkook coming?” Hazel asked you. “Oh, he said he’s busy, got a date, so he won’t be here.” you stated, the disappointment obvious on your face. “Someone’s sad that the boy she’s in love with won’t be here.” “I’m not in love with him guys, he’s got a date.” “Yeah sure, that’s why you look so sad.” “I do not look sad, it’s my best friend’s birthday!” “Oh c’mon, ____.” Hazel spoke.  “I’ll have you know I’m very happy for him.”

“You know all your friends were at Hazel’s party, right?” you asked Jungkook over the phone whilst you were doing yet another assignment. Senior year was eating you up and not having Jungkook around seemed to make everything so much worse. “They told me it was the high school party of the century. They do know they’re in college, right?” he chuckled. “Of course they know. They just wanted to come for Hazel. No hidden intentions, Jungkook. How’s that girl you like?” “Oh? Sam? She’s great! The date went really well and I think we’re going on a second one soon.” “Oh, that’s nice.” “Something wrong? You seem off.” “Just tired, that’s all.” “You’re always tired these days, ____. Take care of yourself.” “You can talk. You were the same last year.” “Yeah, but I don’t wanna see you like that. It upsets me.” “Jungkook, I can take care of myself.”

Another month and a half had passed before Jungkook came home to visit but he hadn’t told you. You didn’t find out until you were getting ready for a Christmas party. “You’ve got a visitor.” “Tell them to go away.” “I can’t.” “Mum. Look at the state I’m in. They cannot come in here.” “They’ve seen worse.” you didn’t even know how to react to her statement; you just sat there with your mouth open as she let the visitor in. “Hi.” “Oh, hey. Guess she was right.” you said, muttering the second part of your speech, turning away before you saw Jungkook enter. “How has my favourite girl been?” he asked as he pulled you into his embrace. “I’ve been better.” “Oh, come on now.” “Jungkook, what are you doing here?” “It’s the holidays.” “It is?” “Hey, no sarcasm.” “Fine, but seriously the holidays came quick this year.” you laughed before pulling away from him and finally seeing him in his suit. “Yeah, it’s crazy, right? What have you been up to besides binging on Netflix and doing assignments?” “Nothing really. Just that and talking to you. How’s Sam?” “I’ll tell you that later. I want to know what you have been up to.” “I just told you.” “Surely you’ve done more.” “No, I have no life, Jungkook. Also you look very done up, strange seeing you like this.” “Could say the same about you. You’re in a dress and everything.” “It’s a Christmas party, of course I added more effort than usual.”

“Taehyung!” you called out as you reached the dinner hall with Jungkook. “My favourite duo!” “How have you been?” you smiled as you pulled him into your body. “I’ve been pretty great, college is not so bad. Anyway, it’s cold. Let’s all go in.” “You know where we sitting?” “Not a clue.” Soon after the three of you were able to find your seats at your table and sat down, waiting for something to happen but the guests were still coming in and filling up the place. “Are you seeing anyone?” Taehyung asked you out of the blue. “Taehyung, I don’t even have time for myself, how on Earth could I be seeing someone?” “Hey, I was just tryna make small talk; we’re just sat in silence as we wait for everyone to come.” “Where is everyone anyway. I know you guys have a habit of being late but even Tae is here.” “Some of them just really take their time.” Taehyung chuckled as he noticed Jungkook who was not interacting with the two of you. “Jungkook, hello? Earth to Jungkook?” Taehyung teased. “He’s probably talking to his new favourite girl.” you told him. “I don’t have a new favourite.” Jungkook sternly spoke as he lifted his gaze from his phone. “You having your eyes glued to your phone suggests otherwise.” You replied before turning your attention to the loud commotion by the door. “That’s our lot.” Taehyung smiled. “Guys! Over here!” “What was that all about?” Taehyung whispered to you. “I have no idea. I was just teasing but he took it so seriously.”

“___! Hello!” Jimin shouted from across the hall. “Hurry over!” you laughed as Taehyung and you stood and made your way over to the other 5 boys who had arrived later. You attempted to hug all of them at once but ended being engulfed by all of them. “Guys, I love you but I’d like to breathe now.” you joked as you motioned towards your table where Jungkook was waiting. “Jungkook! How have you been, man?” Namjoon smiled as he leaned in for a hug. “I’ve been doing great, what about you, dude?” “Great too. Heard you got a crush?” “It’s a bit more than that.” Jungkook whispered to which Namjoon winked. “Stop gossiping! It’s Christmas, let’s celebrate together. It’s been too long since we’ve all been together like this.” Seokjin as he sat down beside Namjoon.

The night was going great, for the most part, everyone was interacting and it was essentially one big party with various people from the high schools you had attended and people who came back from college. Towards the end of the night the 8 of you had sat back down at your table to regain energy and started catching up on each other’s lives in depth.“So, Jungkook, about that girl?” Jimin teased as he nudged the left side of Jungkook’s torso. “Her name is Sam and she’s this really amazing girl that I met a couple weeks into college. We’ve been on several dates and uh, we’re kind of official now.” Jungkook smiled as his friends cheered for him and praised him for having a girl but Taehyung noticed your silence. “What’s wrong? Not happy for him?” Taehyung whispered. “No, it’s not that. If Jungkook’s happy, I’m happy.” “We both know you’re lying; you can tell me, ____.” “Taehyung, I’ve liked Jungkook for a bit now, okay? I never really thought that he would date someone else so soon. I really thought I’d have a chance.” “Oh, umm, ___. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault.” “Oi, you two! What are you whispering bout? Join the celebration of Jungkook’s new girlfriend.” Jimin shouted from across the table. “We’re busy.” Taehyung bluntly replied before turning his attention back to you and making sure that you were okay. “I’ll be fine.”

It was a week after the Christmas party and everyone had gathered at your house to watch a film together; you were on the sofa with Taehyung and Jungkook whilst the other guys were scattered across the floor and armchairs. “___, you okay? You’ve been off with me ever since I shared the news about Sam. I thought you’d be happy for me.” Jungkook pouted as he wrapped an arm around you. You automatically removed his wrap around you and leaned into Taehyung’s body instead. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” “You’re gonna have to tell me sooner or later, we’re best friends.” “Yeah, best friends can normally read each other a bit better than that.” “What are you talking about?” “Hey, can we not do this here? Everyone is gathered at my house for a good time not for us to bicker.” “Fine.” For the rest of the time being Jungkook and you didn’t speak but engaged with the other guys around you. “I’m hungry; does anyone want anything from the kitchen?” “Yeah, get me some popcorn!” “I’ll have more crisps!” “Well, is no one gonna help me? I can’t carry everything for you fatties.” Taehyung started to get up from the sofa but Jungkook signed for him to stay seated and followed you into the kitchen.

“Hey, Tae, can you- You are not Tae.” “That I am not but I’m your best friend and you’re hiding something from me.” “I’m not.” “You’re so bad at lying and hiding what you feel. ___, I know something’s bothering you.” “Well done. Do you want a gold star?” you asked him as you shut the cabinet with snacks in your arms. “Can you just talk to me like a normal person?” “I am.” “For fuck’s sake, just tell me what’s wrong.” he said, raising his voice at you, which he never did. “You wanna know what the fuck is wrong?” you shouted back at him, disregarded the food to the side. “Yeah, please enlighten me because you have been acting so off with me and I hate it!” “Are you that blind?” you scoffed. “What the fuck does that mean?” “I like your stupid ass. I can’t believe it took me as long as it did to realise but I like you and there’s nothing I can do about it right now because you’re with Sam! Are you happy now? You know what the fuck is wrong!” “I should go.”The next few weeks were painfully silent; Jungkook hadn’t attempted to message you once and you took the chance to move on with your life and get over him. You had started to talk to this guy who worked at one of the cafes in the area and Taehyung had slipped into Jungkook’s best friend position. “So, how was the date?” Taehyung teased as the two of you sat down to have lunch together. “Oh, it was amazing. We went to a bunch of galleries and he took really cute pictures of us. He’s the sweetest guy.” “After me.” “After you.” “Are you going on another date soon?” “Yeah, this weekend.” you shyly told him. “Ooh, look at you with your dates!” “Just a heads up, Jungkook is back in town this weekend til next weekend and I heard he’s bringing his beloved.” “Who cares? At least we get to finally meet the oh so amazing Samantha.” you sarcastically remarked. “He spoken to you yet? You know since the confession?” “Nope. Pussy.” “Hey now, you’re both my friends so you better make up soon.” you threw your hands up in defence, signing that you didn’t start the silent treatment between the two of you.

The weekend couldn’t have come quicker; the week at school had really flown by and it was finally time for your next date; you couldn’t be more excited about going to your favourite coffee shop with your potential next boyfriend. “Yo, ___, have fun on your date, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, okay?”  Taehyung teased. “Oh, shut up.” “Okay, okay. Seriously though, have fun.” “I will. Don’t worry about me.” you told him before hanging up and making your way out the door to meet your date. “Hey, ___.” he smiled as he held open his car door for you. “Sup, Joe.” “You ready for our date?” “More than ready.” you answered before he sped off towards the city centre. “Okay, but like you have to let me pay next time. You can’t keep paying, Joe.” “I don’t mind though.” he softly smiled as he sat down opposite you with an americano in hand. “I do.” you pouted which made him smile gently at you, causing you to blush slightly. That’s all he ever had to do to get you going. “Well, Miss I want to pay next time, what do you want to do today?” “I kinda just wanna chill here, maybe take a walk but nothing too crazy. Is that cool?” “Couldn’t be better.” Time had really flown by and before you knew it you had spent 6 hours with Joe. “I can’t believe it’s already 6pm; I should get you home.” “Oh, uh, I’m not going home tonight. I promised my friend I’d go over to his because our other friend is back for the weekend.” “I’ll drive you.”

“Who the fuck is that guy?” Jungkook muttered as he peered out of Taehyung’s window and saw you with your date who had just dropped you off. “That would be Joe. ____’s current crush and maybe future boyfriend.” “Since when did that happen?” “Since after she told you she liked you and you left.” “Damn.” “Yeah, damn. You fucked up.” “No, I didn’t. We’re both in happy relationships or almost relationships now. Nothing’s wrong.” “Is that why your girlfriend is downstairs having to make small talk with Jimin?” “Shut up, dude. She’s coming in. Let’s go down.” Jungkook said and even though he didn’t say how seeing you with another guy made him feel it was already evident to Taehyung that he was jealous. “Yo, just an fyi, you’re not allowed to act the way you’re acting.” “What? How am I acting?” “Jealous.” “I, what, I am not jealous.” “Sure, you tell yourself that but you have a girlfriend down there waiting for you and she has someone else now so don’t ruin this.”

“Hello kids! I have missed you all!” you stated as you entered Taehyung’s home. “____!” Taehyung yelled as he lunged towards you, pulling you into a big embrace. “I saw you the other day why are you acting like it’s been months?” “Because that’s how it feels.” “Anyway, uh, yeah, hello everyone. Oh, you’re new. I’m ____.” “Sam.” “You’re Sam?” “Yeah, is there a problem?” “No, no, no. Just didn’t expect you to be here.” “___, I told your ass she was coming with Jungkook.” Taehyung whisper shouted at you. “My bad. Where even is Jungkook?” “Jungkook, get your ass over here.” Taehyung whisper shouted as he went towards the guy hiding on the staircase. “___, Jungkook. Jungkook, ___.” “It’s been a while, huh?” you spoke, brushing off the fact that he pretty much fell off the face of the Earth for a few weeks. “Yeah, crazy.” “Anyways, Hazel’s having another party around Valentine’s and you’re all invited! You can have plus ones too. That’s if you have someone you wanna bring.” you teased as you poked all your single friends. “You bringing Joe?” Jimin asked. “He knows about Joe?” Jungkook whispered to Taehyung. “Yeah, everyone does.” “I didn’t!” “You didn’t talk to ___ for weeks, why would you know?” Taehyung replied, leaving Jungkook in a state of shock by the answer. “Of course, Joe’s coming. You can all meet him.” “So, who is this Joe?” Jungkook asked curiously. “He’s this guy from my school and I had spoken to him every now and then before but then the other day we were partnered up and got to know each other a bit and now we’re kind of dating. He’s honestly so amazing.” “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

Two months had passed and it was finally time for Hazel’s party. You were getting ready at home, putting your black dress on and deciding whether you should wear heels or vans. Then you sent a text to Joe to make sure he was on his way and you couldn’t be more excited to see him and have fun at the party. “Hey, right on time.” “I’m always on time, baby.” “Let’s get going then.” When you made it to the party everyone was already there waiting; you immediately ran to your friends and embraced them, only pulling away to introduce them to Joe. “This is Joe.” you said as you tugged his arm to pull him towards you. “I was expecting more.” “Don’t be mean.” “I’m not! Just honest.” “Shut up.” Jungkook and Taehyung bickered as everyone met Joe. To say he was underwhelming was an understatement. Everyone had expected someone Who is more like a knight in shining armour, not a literal prepubescent appearing teenage boy. “Joe! This is Joe!” Taehyung laughed as he swung his arm around him. “That I am, thanks.” “Joe, do you want a drink or something because I’m going to get some drinks; anyone coming?” Taehyung awkwardly remarked. You could sense the awkwardness in the air and couldn’t help but be disappointed by your friends. They didn’t even know Joe and they were judging him, yeah sure, he was the first guy to say he liked you after Jungkook pretty much crushed you after you angrily confessed to him, but he was a nice guy.

“___, I’m not being funny but you can do better.” Jimin whispered to you as the other’s left. “That’s what Hazel says.” “Are you only with him because of Jungkook? Is he a rebound? Because we all expected a bit more than a noodle.” “Hey, he’s younger than you guys.” “He’s a senior and looks like a noodle. ___, be honest with me. Do you like him?” “He’s nice.” “___.” “He’s really sweet, Jimin.” “___. I’m literally gonna snap your neck if you say that one more time.” “Fine. He was there for me after everything with Jungkook happened. I mean you guys heard the whole thing; it wasn’t exactly fun. But Joe was a shoulder to lean on and was understanding so I guess that’s why I’m with him.” “___, you’re using the poor noodle.” “Stop calling him that.” “Fine, fine. But you should be honest with him and yourself.”

You disappeared to go look for Joe, finding him outside sitting by himself. “Hey, Joe.” “___, can I ask you something?” “Yeah, go ahead.” “Do you actually like me? Or am I coping mechanism?” “Joe, I-I thought I liked you. I really did. You’re a nice guy, you know? But to be honest I think it was only because I needed a shoulder to lean on you and you were there.” “You like that other guy, Jungkook, don’t you?” “I thought I was over him. He has a girlfriend.” “It didn’t seem like he had a girlfriend to me. And it doesn’t seem like you’re over him.” “What do you mean it seemed like he doesn’t have a girlfriend? I met her two months ago.” “___, he literally said that he’s so happy to be single again to Taehyung and he said it whilst looking at you.” “No, he sees me as a friend. Nothing more.” “Whatever it is, you should talk to him properly. You guys have some kind of unfinished business.” “Hey, I’m sorry about this not working out.” “Hey, no biggie. No hard feelings.” “Thank you so much.”

“Jungkook, can we talk?” you asked as you appeared in the kitchen where all of your friends were hanging out. “Huh, ___, are you okay?” he asked as he turned to face you. “Yeah, I just wanna talk.” “Okay, yeah, we can do that. Do you wanna go somewhere quieter?” “Yes, please.” Jungkook took your hand and led you outside right to where Joe was previously sat, by the pool. “What’d ya wanna talk about?” “Uh, Joe and I ended things but he said some things to me that I just want to confirm with you.” “Yeah?” “He said you were single again?” “Oh, he heard that? I was telling Taehyung.” “When did you end things with Sam?” “A month ago.” “You didn’t tell me.” “You didn’t tell me about Joe either.” “Touche.” “Anything else?” “Jungkook, what do you see me as?” you asked, making him freeze up completely. “It’s okay if you don’t say what I’m hoping to hear. Just be honest with me, please?” “___, you know you’ve always meant a lot to me. I was really sad to move away from you but I was so ready to grow up. I thought that if I got a girlfriend whilst at college everything would be great, but whilst being with her I couldn’t stop thinking about you, thinking about how I left you here in this city and how I couldn’t just wake up and text you, asking if you wanted to hang out. It really sucked but I really missed you. Right now I’m not completely sure what’s happening, what’s going on between us, but I know that I’d love to give us a try, if you let me. I know I walked out on you after you told me you liked me, but I had Sam back then; I didn’t know how to react I never thought that you, out of all people, would’ve liked me back; that’s why I got a girlfriend in the first place to get over you and now here we are. I’m sorry.” “No need to be sorry; you’re just an idiot.” you teased. “Do you wanna dance with me? This song’s a slow one.” “I’d love to.” Jungkook took your hand in his, once again, this time leading you to the dance floor, placing his arms around your waist and his forehead against yours. “You really missed me, huh?” “Don’t get cocky on me now, ___.” “I was just asking.” you smiled as the two of you enjoyed the moment a bit more. “Can I kiss you?” “You’re more than welcome to.” you joked as the two of you leaned into each other and locked lips for a short and sweet moment. “I liked that.” he shyly smiled. “If only we had done that sooner.” “Stop ruining the moment. Are you staying over here?” he asked and you shook your head softly, not actually wanting to ruin the moment. “Come back to mine.” “Gladly.” “I’ve missed you.”

[rqs902]

qcyn ep 11 -- can you believe the finale is tomorrow?!?

this whole texting section was so funnyyyy and i will honorably mention yet again that yao chi texting mc jin in english is so sweet

li ronghao torturing xu longhan iS HIALRIOSUS 

 but i also pity the poor child LOOL

wait can we talk about chen tao’s spelling timao LOL

and chen sijian’s face LOLLL

omg yao mingming’s message is so aww... he mentions liking yixing since he debuted in 2012.......

omgggg fjj and wang yi theyre all so cute and screamy and i loveee 

WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIN MO AND WANG YI’S HAPPY DANCE

oh gosh the8 is really showing us how hard seventeen works to get their choreo super in sync wow they really must work so hard.... wow minghao giving up the center position bc he knows how important this is to these kids... he deserves more recognition as a great mentor wow

oh my goodness.......... li zhenning’s voice shaking as he says to shi mingze “if you can get into top 20, then you’ll have hope” is.... the most heartbreaking......... knowing that shi mingze doesnt.......... they literally were smiling as they went off into this corner to talk and are crying by the time they come out..... can you just imagine how much sadness and stress is constantly looming over these kids’ heads and tearing down at their mental health?? its all hidden and suppressed, but with really fragile borders, so as soon as you pick at the walls, their raw emotions come bursting through... 

this just reminds me that even tho shi mingze is their cool, handsome leader, hes still the youngest in bg project............

can we please talk about how considerate of a friend li zhenning is and has been?? 

and this all took place before zhenning ever ranked into top 9.... so to them, this opportunity wouldve been really important for zhenning too, bc maybe he wouldve really needed it to get into top 9. but at least we know now.... he has enough popularity that they made the correct choice and hopefully more people will notice shi mingze as a result

ZHAN YU’S ARMSSSSSSSSS bo yuan’s hair!! i really like it!!!! wen yechen in pink!!!!!! his voice is so addicting i just wanna hear more of it... it dont matter that zhenning isnt center, he still shines :)) wait wu zelin’s voice i really liked it in retreat and we get even more vocal-like wu zelin here! thats a realy nice purple on qunfeng, hes really rocking this look SHI MINGZE I SAW THAT WINK frick minghao’s dancing is just so satisfying to watch wowow

man he looks so good

wow i live for random zhan yu reactions (imma just collect them here LOL)

after journey and mc jin’s friendship is so cute hahahaha

ok i see why elle thinks chen tao is a visual

wang zhe and wu chengze have both really improved in their stage presence throughout the course of this show aw deng chaoyuan looks the happiest we’ve ever seen him on stage haha zhou shiyuan’s voice is really so cool 

i guess we’ll never find out why gu landi is in mc jin’s group..... is it bc yao chi is here? im sorry i love this song and i love a lot of the kids in this group but can you just imagine how much better this stage would’ve been if it were with more kids who had experience rapping....? last year’s “zero” stage just made such a bigger impression on me...... this is actually really such a contrast im---

ALKSJDLAKSJDLK CHEN SIJIAN’S RAPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST DID THATT!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!??!?!1//!ASDLKJALSKJJ OMGGOHS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! CHEN SIJIAN JUST BLEW EVERYOEN OUT OF THE WATER YOU BEST BET HE DID WOWOW HE JSUT I CANT BELEIEVE HE JSUT INCLUDED AT LEAST 4 NAMES WOW 

IM WEN YECHEN

chen sijian is really the best at writing raps about his bros wow and like also he has the most creative lyrics i really appreciate wow such talent hes amazing!!!

a lost baby..

UNDERAPPRECIATED GU LANDI VISUALS

the face of a legend 

ever since i saw the “time” ballad version, ive had a sneaking suspicion that lin yuzhi is secretly one of the strongest vocalists on this show..... this is the face of talent

idk whose outfit is distracting me more, xu bingchao or xixi’s LOL shao haofan looks so nice here wow and ding feijun is so adorable even tho this is a more mature concept but i still cant see him as anything but a cute child

maybe its the way they cut up the lines but idk this song didnt really show off their vocal abilities that well..... sorry xixi :( i think xixi’s voice deserved better time to shine on this show...... his and feng junjie’s voices are actually both so nice i was so impressed when i saw them singing in the oaca clips

this koala ad makes me very uncomfortable......

wenhan reaches into the box and pulls out..... costco brand blueberries??!?!?/1 hHhahahhahHAHAHHA 

lol yao chi being so sentimental... oh look at this photo of me with bubbles on my face (me: oh no here it come--) OH YEA ALSO CHECK OUT THIS FACE WASH!

wow kou cong!! a face i havent seen in a while aw! i cant believe they filmed all the yaa eps while they all still had colorful hair lol i guess ill never get to see lin mo on yaa /sigh/ or actually any of the tyger members cept jia yi.........

HAHAHAHAHHA YESSSSSSSSS THEY INCLUDED A CLIP OF CHEN SIJIAN’S PHONE CALL !!!! HIS WAS HILARIOUSS!!!! HAHAHAHA I LOVED HOW SIMILAR HIS FAN SEEMED TO BE TO HIM HAHAH 

AAHH AS SOON AS IT GETS TO LIN MO’S ITS THE SAD MUSIC TIME

his was the most heartwarming call.... no bias LOL

feng junjie singing “the great artist” just---

this boy will never stop with the meme faces hHAHAHA

im surprised this section was so short lol i was expecting them to spend more time on this group...

SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN YEA

jolin’s eyes are so wow 

feng junjie with the voice!!!!!!1 

JOLIN THE QUEEN

still kinda wish jia yi had more opportunity to sing on this show......... hes like second main vocalist to zhan yu in tyger but i feel like he hasnt gotten to show his voice much :( he did really well tho!!! he really has impressive stage presence

omg lin mo’s super shy “1 day” ahhhhh 

omg wang jiayi looks like hes about to cry... the poor child....

yixing reaching out to apologize to them.... hes really so caring towards them...... wang jiayi just needs more confidence!! i believe in him too

where did lin mo get this white cap from? lol he chose the pink one..... on a related note, im so happy lin mo got to be in yixing’s group, bc from the beginning with namanana hes really really tried so hard to earn yixing’s recognition, im sure it means a lot to him to be able to learn from him like this and share a stage with him 

yao mingming too, i feel like he really values yixing’s recognition as well

i think all the kids in this group had to have known that picking yixing’s group would be the most tiring and require the most effort, but i think choosing this group regardless just really shows they came here to learn 

A HAPPY BABYYY

omg like yixing is really /teaching/ them and i appreciate that

lin mo and xu fangzhou’s voices!!!!!!

OOF IM SO READY FOR THIS OUTFIT 

ASLDKALSDKJLAK HE WINKED!!!!!!!!!!!

what is this awkward closeup

why does fangzhou have wings lol

i feel like theres a lot of random awkward closeups of lin mo.... should i be happy about this??? LOL i dont think theyre all very flattering but at the same time at least hes got closeups....???? ? ??  

OOF HES GETTING MORE LINES THAN I EXPECTED TOO

you know how ive talked about how i love how much detail lin mo puts into his dancing, including even his slight head tilts? LOOK ANOTHER HEAD TILT 

HAHAHAHHAHA GUAN YUE’S EYES GOT SO BIG HAHAHHAHA OMGGG

ooof lin mo getting to sing the chorus with yixing im !!!!!! im sure hes so grateful for this opportunity wow also i think i mentioned this with namanana but i really think lin mo suits yixing’s dance style, like its a style that hes pulls off really well, so i think he got to shine a bit in this performance :’)

ok i havent said this yet but what is with that thick black fade at the top of the screen its so annoying??? like why you gotta cover the top of their heads??? 

wow we’re really getting a lot of random lin mo shots hahahha is this iqiyi repenting their wrongs from ‘spirit of the knight’ i almost am surprised how yao mingming isnt getting the most screentime but then i remember iqiyi has never favored yao mingming........ /sigh

AYYY WENXUAN AND LIN MO THE BUDDIES

just look at how perfectly tilted / well-positioned lin mo’s head is wow and that gaze wow i just love his stage presence

yea im gonna have to rewatch this perf to gif the lin mo moments.... maybe after the finale tomorrow when ill be like oop lin mo didnt make it in oh well let me just wallow in his talent that the audience slept on by drowning myself in lin mo content (its not like i do that every day already)

LOL THAT CAMERA SPIN WAS SUCH A FAIL YOU CANT SEE ANYONE CEPT WENXUAN ADJUSTING HIS MIC HAHAHHAHA ok on a side note tho im glad wenxuan got to be in this group too!! yuehua’s dancer getting to show us his dancing again :’) and we all know he was discouraged being reshuffled into “maze” and i just wanna say wenxuan deserves more credit for being able to really go out of his comfort zone and pull off the cute concept in “maze” well even tho he didnt want to accept it at first! 

HES PERFECT 

hey yall is it just me or did you see lin mo’s eyes in that really fast flashy bit at the end of the preview for the finale? HAHHAHAHA i couldnt even screenshot it bc it was so fast, but i swear i saw his eyes so i think he was in it LOOOL

JSUT KIDDING I WENT BACK AND TRIED AGAIN AND I GOT IT

I KNEW I SAW HIS EYES HAHAHAHHAHA

oo i havent mentioned this before but i really like the sound of chen sijians voice, even when speaking... 

OMG GU LANDI

OMGGGG MY CHILD YE ZIMING IN FREAKING TARZAN NEXT DOOR??!???

THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!!!! THANKS FOR REMINDING US HOW IQIYI TOTALLY SLIGHTED THIS BOY OUT OF GETTING INTO TOP 35

aw honestly i wonder if lian huaiwei will really not make it tomorrow.....  

omg sun zelin in the ending credits!!!!

OMG ZHAN YU TOOOOOOO

OOF LOOK AT ZHAN YU’S JAWLINE (ooops sorry yechen ahhahhhaa)

they must really like this part of the choreo?? 

BUT I LOVE THIS LOOK ON YECHEN YESSS

lol is this lin mo’s back

tbh im surprised they didnt include lin mo in the ending credits but i think they were trying to make up for the loss of yao mingming time earlier LOOL 

ok well i have about 10 hrs until i gotta wake up to watch the finale so.... now to go watch fjj and hcx’s goodnight dachang HAHAH

[howoriginal-author]

The first chapter in all its rough draft glory!!!!!

yes i’m an ass hole, why do you ask? oh you say what kind of asshole doesn’t name his story and presumes that it is good enough that it claims the title of “THE STORY” well me obviously. thats what kind of ass whole. also i’m lazy and havent though up a real title yet. here’s the story you’ve all not been waiting for.  

The story begins

Chapter one rough draft

and maybe never a chapter. Who can say. Want some more needless jabbering?

Joel's life began when he finally managed to make Ren angry.  He and ren had been sparring, sparring of their own accord. It had been one of those days. A day that didn’t seem so bad at the start and then through a series of minor mishaps and annoyances turned into a minor annoyance itself. All of it culminated in a head at this moment. It had started as he and Ren were sent out on patrol by Leone, the head of boys.  He was not a little annoyed by the older boys seeming enjoyment of the day. Joel was more than content to ride in silence but Ren had constantly been talking, talking about father, about Leon about his prospects, about the weather, about anything that seemed to enter his fool head. Joel had rarely seen him so talkative.  Ren’s happiness peeved Joel to no end. Ren was simple and Joel was clever. But Joel was not clever when it came to swords and Ren was. Joel had forgotten what even lead  him to suggesting a sparring match. Apparently I’m not that clever after all. He thought to himself meditating on his own his foolishness. The match instead of working out  he anger as he had hoped it would it had only inflamed it. Normally he wasn’t so outpaced by Ren in skill. Ren was stronger and quicker too. In Fact he was just better all together except that he lacked guile. Joel would feint and lead and coax and trap but the problem was Ren was learning his tricks and had been and there were only so many ways to feint.  Joel had avoided sparring with Ren for almost a week.  Preferring fights he could win. Which meant never sparring at all. Every fighting man was trained with the sword and spear and Joel was in the awkward transition between boyhood and manhood, and was in the even more awkward position of being the weakest among the boys about to pass into manhood.  Still he could fight,  His anger had got the better of him and before he knew what was doing he was suggesting they spar.

“ Here?” Ren had asked surprised. They were on the plain alone running scouting at Loene the master of boys had commanded them to. Miles from their camp.

“ I’ve been getting rusty, and  Leone will have some task for us if he return now. We’ve seen no sign of anything out of the ordinary so far and won’t see anything out of the ordinary today. Now is as good a time as any.” he had said.  “look there’s a tree we can tie the horses and spar in the shade.”

He never let his anger show, no gritting of the teeth and no harshness to his voice. That was his way, never show weakness, and Joel considered anger a weakness. Which is why you don’t let yourself be controlled by it. He had thought wryly as he rode his horse towards the tree. No boy carried a blade before he earned it and  neither Ren nor Joel had earned their blades. but as all boys their age they both carried wooden swords. They booth dismounted and tied the horse to the a low limb of the sica tree, unstrapping their wooden swords and taking a stance.  Usually when sparring with Ren he detached himself from any desire to win. And so when he one a bout or two he was pleasantly surprised.  But this time he wanted to win, wanted it bad, and so he lost. Bout after bout he lost. Three bouts Ren batted aside Joel's own stick and  gave him three stinging welts. That was when things took a turn for the worse. After asking for yet another bout  Joel’s rage was burning inside him and he was having more and more trouble hiding it. As they began he tried to focus. He tried for that calm detachment, simply defend wait, Ren was good but he would become overconfident with each victory. But as before there was something in him that didn’t want to be clever. Why wait for victory, that not victory at all you should be able to take it.  Then as before he abandoned the strategy that worked. Abandoned feints and traps trying for brute strength and speed. To be faster than his opponent, to be stronger,  to be Better.  That was what he wanted to gain victory not through a combination of luck and patience. Simplifying waiting for Ren to make a mistake. A mistake that might never come,  but to win, on his term. To beat Ren. To win! It didn’t go that way. Again Ren knocked Joel’s underhand cut aside and used the motion to drive his own stick into Joel’s side. It should have ended there. Joel should have swallowed his pride and smiled and laughed it off. But there was a rage in him. Even as he knew Ren had him, even as he felt the stick smack his side he was driving his own stick  straight towards Ren’s shin. Joel felt the impact even as Ren’s own softer strike bruised his side. Correct etiquette for a bout dictated that the loser concede and then either leave the ring or ask for another challenge.  Formal etiquette was ignored. As Ren limped in a circle silently cursing while Joel stood considering the repercussions for what he had done. When he met Ren’s Eye’s he knew he was about to be in pain. Ren advanced toward Joel with a slight limp then planted his feet and raised his stick.

“Again.” he said

“ I must decline.” Joel returned licking his lips, “I’ve satisfied my need to practice for today.”

“Ten bouts.” Ren said. “ To satisfy to a challenge. You’ve only fought 4 so far.” Ren smiled his angry smile. “Are you so easily satisfied or just a coward?”  Why? why did I inflict this on myself? There was no choice. He had challenged Ren and Ren had the right to demand 10 bouts, he couldn’t walk away all he could do was defend himself.  Joel raised his stick into a low guard. Now my heads clear, just when it’s too late to begin making wise decisions.   He and Ren had been sparing as long as he could remember. The children of the Dharuh were taught to ride before they could walk and to fight for they could speak. As half brothers Ren and Joel were raised to compete to see who would take their father’s standard. Ren was better, but Joel had always assumed he was just a step behind. He was wrong. Ren lunged into a feint then attack with a sweeping blow Joel barely managed to block the first strike the the second he had no hope of blocking. Pain lanced up Joel’s shin as Ren’s stick slammed into it. Joel silently cursed himself. Why? Why did I allow this to happen. Why can’t I even defend against my brother. Why am I weak? Two more bouts and and it was clear that Ren had been holding back in all previous fights. Each bout Joel meet a strength and speed he hadn’t previously encountered in his brother. Each time Ren struck at Joel’s shin. On the seventh bout Joel’s left leg was going numb, the calm that had replaced his earlier anger been torn away. Why can’t I win. He had tried his best. He was clever he was quick but Ren was better. Why? Even as he asked the question Joel mocked himself. You’re sad that you can’t win a practice fight against your own brother, what a hard life you lead. But you need not worry when you fight a real enemy there will be no reason so mourn losing, you’ll be in Bhale’s embrace after all. Again Joel took his stance left leg shaking slightly. Bhale if you let me win I will give  my blood to you. Just let me win. Such pleas to the god of battle rarely worked. After all Bhale was a god of the strong not of the weak, but Joel needed all the help he could get. When Joel raised his sword into a guard Ren attacked in the space of a breath. Joel parried the first blow, but the second knocked him off balance. Ren’s third blow was aimed at Joel's shin again. The petty nature of his brother infuriated him. His own stupidity and lack of skill infuriated him. No No, No! The word rose in him, in his head, through him. He realized he was yelling it, and as he yelled he felt the word leave him. He had never felt anything like it. It was as if something had taken shape from his mouth. He was reminded, inexplicably of carving a wooden horse as a child. The feeling of making, shaping the wood. At the same time he felt as if something was being drawn forth from him. Time seemed to slow as these feelings and memories passed over him. He felt, rather than saw his brothers stick shatter. It was like nothing he had ever seen. The wooden sword split into a thousand shards. Like a rock dropped from top of a canyon.  The rain of splinters that followed  battered his face. He stepped back involuntarily, lost his balance and fell on his back. Ren took the explosion of the practice sword better. Managing to stay on his feet. He looked at the hilt of his stick now the only thing left that wasn’t a splinter. Ren’s expression of one of minor perplexity. He looked up and met Joel’s eyes.

“Well now.” Ren said. “ you’re a battle mage.”

[survivorkalokairi]

Episode 1: “How do I bond with people” - Mitch

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/MiBLiRlSzFc

Stephen

It’s round one and I’ve already learnt a foreign word for pee, this seasons gonna be great

Cam

hello everyone and welcome to HOLY FUCK by cameron, your local certified sick kid

so first of all

I HAVE DYLAN AND MATT SUMMERS AND MITCH ON MY TRIBE

which is all fine and dandy

ABBEY IS ON? THE OTHER TRIBE?

which is also fine and dandy

blake is super sweet and i adore this newbie already!! he's like "im so overwhelmed im in two games"....... sweetie

BUT ALSO

so i message jay to idol hunt

"first in line"

i say "this is door 9 all over again!"

i wait about 15 minutes

go through the path, dee dee dee dee dee

"fountain or pay an offering to the statue" 

me, in my hellenic witchcraft practices, knowing the goddesses really like offerings, gonna offer aphrodite some food (sorry hera)

guess what aphrodite gives me?

an idol. she gives me an idol. i'm truly blessed. this is ridiculous. i got the idol the very first idol hunt of the season.

i'm shaking.

Dylan C

oh my god how to I play a game with my close friends sksjsh (i’ll make a Proper confessional later)

Brittany

i've been doing duolingo for, like, an hour now and there are so many ways to say the. i've counted around 4. it's pretty fun though, and everyone on my tribe seems really cool and nice cx

Zabbey

Wow ok so my tribe is really cute and wholesome so far. I'm playing with JG, Timmy and Stephen which is cool bc i lowkey know them all but I've never played with them so thats fun! I cant really speak on the newbies since I havent really talked to any of them yet but I'm excited to get to know them! It's wild knowing cam and dylan are on the other tribe, I hope i get to play with them too! 

Stephen

Cal is the best, i would love to work with Cal, JG, Timmy, and Zabbey. But i’m still gonna gove the other new guys a chance, still very early days to start making alliances. That being said I’m still very happy we have had a majority on a call, make some ties. *glares at atomic “all-stars”*

Zach

So uh...so far nothing. Unless I’m completely out of the loop. I really like my tribe mate Zabbey. She seems cool and we have the same sense of humor. I really hope to align with her, but we’ll see how it goes. I also really admire Maynor for volunteering to sit since he has to work today. So far I think our tribe vines well. No tea to spill yet, but I’m sure there’s more to come.

Alex

Many people werre talking about drag race and I've never seen it and I kinda knew this would happen to me at some point in mylife when I end up being the bad gay who hates Lady Gaga and hasn't seen drag race and we're here folks.  lol I guess I'll stay quiet and hopefully noone will find out 

J.G.

Night one was, interesting to say the least. I was a little worried because I knew that I had to work during the first hour of the game and with new people I did not want to miss out on the bonding opportunities. Shockingly few were active among the noobies mostly Zach and Cal. The vets on my tribe, I actually know which is wild. Stephen and I have played together in the past, not together but there is for sure no bad feelings, that I know of. Abbey and Timmy I have never played with them but I know of them from the community. I have always wanted to play with them and excited for this opportunity. I know from a viewer this will come off as boring but I do feel that sticking with the vets is going to be smart at least in the early stages but mark my words, if I have any say, Abbey will be the last boot before merge. There is no way hell, I am letting her get any where near merge, I am not dumb no what she can do. Sorry Abbey, you're queen but the queen is not gonna stay queen. I really want to make a three tight alliance with Stephen and Timmy and ride with them but they could always tip off Abbey and use it to their advantage so I need to just chill and let things play out. I feel that if we are to go to tribal in the early stages, I can picture two noobs being easily targeted for inactivity. Oh, let's also talk about how I got freaking 20% disadvantage night one like I always do, and then turn around to get a 10% advantage the next day. I'm mess but I'm gonna keep eating these grapes because they're pretty good.

JG

So I was really sure I was going to be in the first alliance of the season amongst the vets but nope that didn't happen. I am in a unprecedented alliance with Abbey, yeah the person I said I want to make sure gets out before merge and Zach. Our alliance is called Two Gays and a Bi-by ... iconic as fuck. With a smaller tribe starting size with 8, smaller alliances are key plus I feel that we can easily pull some side votes for numbers to honestly keep our alliance alive and active. This makes targeting Abbey really hard cause it could turn Zach against me. I will have to be very cautious, how I go about this. I also talked to Cal and was making sure I connected with him cause I know he was putting work in on Timmy and Stephen last night. That is something I will have to monitor. That can not be allowed to happen. I think working with Timmy would be fun and cool but it's looking like that if after a early not so active noob goes and we need to find another target, I think Timmy would be a fine first threat to knock out leaving Stephen and Cal up in the air.

Cal

Lots of stuff! I was late to the party at the intro but got to chat with Timmy, JG, and Stephen. I learned about their past in the community as well as talked about the many moods of trying to learn greek. One such mood is probably me always confusing the "pi" sign and the one shaped like the letter "p" leading to accidentally translating baby as fool. Ironically I really don't want to be seen as either while a baby or fool especially since I'm new. I've really enjoyed meeting my tribe mates but I'm afraid to see where the pleasant meet and greet ends and the game begins.

Maynor

My thoughts on this tribe is that i like everyone and i dont want any of them to leave. Ive been trying to talk to everyone n try to be social player since im sitting out the first challenge.

Blake

welp. i still dont really know whats going on but... IM HAVING FUN. Ive talked with Dylan C a bunch and we have gotten to know each other pretty well. The greek challenge? a MESS. I havent been able to do a lot and the little i have done is not even worth mentioning. I hope the next challenge is a little easier for me but until then... YAY! 

Maynor

Last night Brittany and I started talking and decides since we are newbies that we will work as a duo to keep each other safe since the game has newbies & returning players. As of right now she is my #1 but i am talking to others.

Maynor

Second day has been very interesting. Ive been talking to Cal and J.G. pretty much all day seperately. And both want to align and J.G brought up maybe doing three person alliance and he said we should try n bring in Cal. In my head i was like yes. So now its an allince of me, Cal, and J.G. which is great. If its all 100% (my end it is) then this is going to be great.

Timmy

Wow, I haven't made a confessional yet. WE WON IMMUNITY!!! I'm very relaxed now, but also I don't think I would have gone anyways so woot woot. I did the worst on my tribe so that's not too great (pretty sure the 810 from the post was my score), but I still did better than the entire other tribe so wooo. I'm so happy to finally be in a game with Abbey and I really want to work with her and we have been talking already about the nothingness that has come from our idol hunts so that's good. I still haven't talked to Zach or Brittany so I need to do that soon, Zach seems nice in the tribe chat but Brittany seems nonexistent at the moment even though she did well in the challenge. 

Cam

well i may have won a main season last night

but let me tell you

WE DID NOT WIN THAT MY DUDES LMAO. we were literally beat ten times over. i hope the f tribe feels good about how much they squished us. they... earned that. truly. 

but now jay says... there's an announcement? and this is what immediately ensues

On 7/21/18, at 9:29 PM, Jay 🐠 (Kalokairi Host) wrote:

> but first there will be an announcement

On 7/21/18, at 9:29 PM, Cameron Culpepper (Atomic Admin) wrote:

> oh no

On 7/21/18, at 9:31 PM, Dylan R. wrote:

> oh cool

and it was just announced! so there is redemption. this is nice! i'm less worried about work now. like obviously i'm gonna do my best? but... if i fuck up at least there's a CHANCE.

oh yeah and the idol. day 2 in the game, still haven't told anyone, so that's pretty cool! we'll see how long that lasts.

dylan c and i had a conversation about how if we don't work together neither of us will hold it against the other but like... im pretty sure we're gonna work together anyway. 

wouldn't it be cute to make f3 with dylan c and abbey? god that's the dream. but it won't happen.

Maynor

The alliance is official between me, JG, and Cal. Are alliance name is MEW but greek that looks like mew. I like both and i hope they are ride or die as i am with this alliance. But just so we could have one more vote, im keeping my ally, Brittany, secret for now. 

Mitch

Welcome to Greece! I consume goat cheese, so I'm something of a Greek expert myself you know. I'm very excited to meet all of my tribemates but now I'm probably going to talk about them individually since Idk what else to do

I haven't played a game in so long I have no fucking idea how to socialize oh my god. I feel like everything I type is awkward and sad. At least the first challenge was relatively easy since I never had to type anything and have free time up the wazoo . But fuck we got crushed lmao. I dunno what secret they used but I take comfort in knowing that they were probably worried about us doing the same thing. Maybe I probably won't get voted out for having a score of 600 but WE SHALL SEE

Alex - Where is he? He did the challenge but he hasn't said a word ever. I want to keep him but uh Blake - 15 exp huh. 15? :| I only got increments of 10 where did the 5 come from Cameron - Aaaa. I enjoy Cameron and hopefully he enjoys me Dylan C - Oh this distinguishing between Dylans will be fun. But hopefully this Dylan and I can... meet in the middle somewhere yes Dylan R - One of the 4 people who have spoken to me! This kid is GOING PLACES and I'm glad to help him along for the ride Maddie - She is camping and I completely understand. Matt - I mean sure Matt and I KNOW each other but do we really? It's not like we were buddy buddy in Navarino. Unless he thinks we were? If he does... uh oh

How do I bond with people

Cal

Maynard just brought together me and JG together to start an alliance all while the results of the immunity challenge was finished. I was nervous but not only did we win but we have an amazing three that is called ΜΞΨ(after the first letters of our names), which is called that thanks to me! I just thought it'd be fun to name it like a frat since we've been learning greek and also hopefully dominate! JG and Maynard are great guys and I'm excited to work with them as ΜΞΨ but I also am keeping in mind ΜΞ(me lol) in the game for when we do have to go to tribal! Mu Xi Psi out!

Dylan R

For the first tribal, I'm obviously worried. As for targets, I'm not sure there are any at this moment. I guess I'm voting based on tribal performances, but I would be open to other people's suggestions. I would consider myself closest to Matt, Dylan C and Mitch so those three are who I would want to vote with. 

Stephen

I found half a “special idol” in the mangroves! While I am happy and I will still search for the other half I do have to decide if I want to tell anyone. In a previous season I told one person and they betrayed me (thanks tim) but in the end that led the person who had other half to reach out to me. However I can’t expect the same thing to happen this game, every games a new game. So I think I’m gonna keep it to myself, if somebody else tells me or is revealed to have the other half I might tell them, but for now I’m just gonna search for the other half and be content that no one can use the whole thing against me.

Zach

We won the first challenge!!!! I was expecting it to be a lot closer tbh. But I have an alliance of 3 that I’m fairly confident in! I wouldn’t say I completely trust them yet though. Both of them have played before and so it’s scary to think that they might just be playing me. I guess time will tell. I’m also curious to see what other alliances will show themselves when we finally start talking and going to trial. Also a little worried that I might be playing to hard out of the gate. We’ll see and I’ll probably get used to playing as time goes on.

JG

My mom (Jay) has officially cancelled me y'all. My tribe freaking won by over 13 to almost 2k. Holy crap. Like did the vets on the other side never play this comp before? Like with maybe a little work and patience, you could get easily 1500XP without really grinding maybe more. I am honestly perfectly o.k. with these results I wanted us to win badly because of having to go to work tonight, I did not want to bother with the stress of that. Plus, the night before my work had an emergency so I am definitely not in a place ready to emotionally invest and make a move in the game. ΜΞΨ is an alliance that formed between Maynor, Cal, and myself. The alliance names from the first letter of our names in Greek to kinda make a frat/sor name. Maynor approached me wanting to make  a final 2 and go really far. I am down with this for now of course, this game is constantly changing and moving. He asked me if we wanted to make a threesome to help our odds and asked me for suggestions. I suggested Cal because I knew I wasn't in any other alliances with him yet and this will allow me to keep an eye on him making sure he doesn't get close to Timmy or Stephen. Before I went off for the night Stephen and I officially talked about how the vets probably should create an official thing because it wouldn't hurt for us to work at least together in the early stages of the game. We decided that it should be discussed and formed today. Once that happens your boy is literally in an alliance with everyone besides Brittany and she actually did really well in the challenge. This scares me that she is either close to others or just someone I am not gonna be able to connect with. I heard from others that people are forgetting she's here, at the least she is a competitor. Either this is gonna blow up in my face or gonna allow me to position myself really well going into merge. Mama mia, my tribe isn't going tribal but I feel I made some of the biggest moves. Time will tell, I guess 

Zabbey

SO A lot has happened since I last confessed!!!! I am now in a baby alliance with JG and Zach which is wholesome. Zach is super hype and its v endearing and im a stan. JG also said him and Stephen have talked about a vet alliance which would be the easier way to go but I don't really want to. I don't want to play this game based off of outside relationships, I'm not necessarily going to align with Cam and Dylan is we make it onto the same tribe. In more impotant news ya bITCH FOUND THE IDOL! My literal third search! Timmy told me that he was looking in the hotel rooms so I was gonna do that but then Jay said roof and I was like why not and my witch ass gave that offering and got me a sexy idol! I don't plan on telling anyone about it unless I absolutely have to! 

Blake

I'm realizing now that im probably going to be seen as invisible the whole time bthrfnm dont know if thats good or bad LOL. But I finally have an alliance and its with people that I actually enjoy talking too :) Me, Cameron and Dylan C formed a group called Bicons (Bi Icons LMAO) and they seem to be really loyal. I have no idea what im doing but i hope people find me funny and want to keep me hfuiejf. (I HAVE NO IDEA WHO IM GONNA VOTE OFF)

Maddie

I came into this game after 2 nights had already gone by. I am really scared that I will be voted out tonight because I would be the easy since not very many people know me.  

Dylan R

The first tribal is the most important tribal, at least from a game perspective. That’s why I’m taking a gamble and trying to target after Blake. We need people who will win challenges, and after his score of 15 I’m not sure if he’s best suited. I need 4 votes to tie. I believe I’ll have Alex & Maddie, so right now I’m focusing on the fourth vote. Dylan C seems wary about this vote, so I’m trying to convince her now. I told her that “other people have mentioned Blake” when really it’s just me lol. I don’t wanna tell anyone else, simply because I don’t want people thinking I’m playing too hard, so I’m hoping the votes will tie or the votes will be spread. I’m taking a bit of a gamble because this could put a target on my back, but I do love gambles so I can’t resist. This will probably come back to bite me, but it is redemption island so I guess that’s always a fallback.

Cal

Missed a lot of discussion about past games because I was meeting up with someone impromptu. It's daunting but also exciting to face the experience of some of my tribe mates. It's the feeling of a glorious revolution of the new players against the old! I aim to learn as well, but also have really enjoyed speaking with my tribe but fear people are getting wind of the ΜΞΨ alliance since me, JG, and Maynor are speaking a lot. I gotta figure out my mist! Mu Xi Psi out!

Stephen

The tribe chat: Jay is about to get represented by an agent!!!!! ajdnfkksxjsnxxcz

Cal in my PMs: I just got laid

............okay cal. I guess he ws just being friendly? But things like that are sort of a hot topic for me, but I don’t think thats something he needs to know. And its probably not something to get into in confessionals. Maybe if we become besties we can have a dnm about it later.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/8oaTFmpiv0I

Dylan R

The first tribal is the most important tribal, at least from a game perspective. That’s why I’m taking a gamble and trying to target after Blake. We need people who will win challenges, and after his score of 15 I’m not sure if he’s best suited. I need 4 votes to tie. I believe I’ll have Alex & Maddie, so right now I’m focusing on the fourth vote. Dylan C seems wary about this vote, so I’m trying to convince her now. I told her that “other people have mentioned Blake” when really it’s just me lol. I don’t wanna tell anyone else, simply because I don’t want people thinking I’m playing too hard, so I’m hoping the votes will tie or the votes will be spread. I’m taking a bit of a gamble because this could put a target on my back, but I do love gambles so I can’t resist. This will probably come back to bite me, but it is redemption island so I guess that’s always a fallback. 

Dylan R

Ok so like. Convincing people is hard lol. New tactic: I told Alex that people are targeting him in hopes that it’ll ignite him enough to save himself. I want Alex as an ally, but if he can’t save himself then I don’t want him as an ally

Brittany

so i'm late to making this confession but we won the first challenge and i'm still so?? happy about it?? and by a lot too, and there i was panicking and speeding through duolingo lmao. hopefully this is a sign and we stay doing this well lol

J.G.

Yeet,one last confessional before the round is over. I am honestly really anxious to see what happens at this tribal whether a vet or noob will go. While I do not think that this will be a prevalent theme in decision making, it something I am keeping in the back of my mind. I don't want people to be able use that against me to vote me out. That's why I will feel really inclined to stick with the vets if a vet is voted out tonight over a noob. Who knows what that tribe will do they have several options.

Finally, officially the vets (Abbey, Timmy, and Stephen as well as myself) finally came together to form an official alliance called The Nursing Home. I am really keeping an eye on Timmy and Stephen, they give me some minor sketch vibes but it could just be me over analyzing.

Well, 1 week down, several more to go. 

Dylan C

I’m getting a concerning amount of radio silence form some cast members. Is it because they’re inactive or ignoring me?? Lmao mattI'm so excited to be on Kalokairi! This has been a lifelong dream. Who wouldn't want to live on a gorgeous Greek island, where every piece of drama or sadness is resolved by breaking out into 70s Disco Pop and choreographing elaborate dance routines featuring wacky props like scuba fins? And to be able to play the game of Survivor while doing it? Wild!

My tribe is literally so wholesome. The other "veterans" are all so fantastic, and the newbies are so pure and fun and I love talking to them. The only person I haven't gotten to speak one on one to is Alex, and it seems like that's the case for the rest of the tribe. After getting THWUMPED in that immunity challenge, it's nice that we can all come together in a cohesive vote to hopefully power through in the future.

I found a leather necklace at the market, but it doesn't actually do anything until I combine it with another part. I'm not sure if my best strategy is to keep it hidden or let everyone know I have it in case they're also looking for it, but I think I'm going to keep it to myself while I search a bit more.

I'd really like to work with Cameron long term, and I have a crush on Dylan R okay that is all goodnight.

Cam

so i've been wrestling with the decision on whether or not to tell Dylan C about the idol. 

I still haven't told him. Day 3! Nobody knows but me. that's pretty cool. 

it's pretty quiet around the vote right now? everyone is still asleep i think, and morale is a little low following last night. 

-----

I didn't submit that before I left for work, rip

Cam, certified short term memory loss haver

Alex was unanimously eliminated.

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Yaaay!! Thank you Soraya's inbox, sorry i blamed you on eating the last ask😂😘. You did great. Nono, he wasnt a torero, he looked like a prince. (Which is not better bcs i dont like any of those  figures but... whatever). Ooh, talking about suits, did you see the ranking hsfashionarchive did of the suits he wore this tour? Bcn was winning, pink suit was second and Mdd was third!! (1)

[I hope this works 😜🙏🏻, bc this was TOO long, jajajaa.]

Ohhh. Your mom is the best. So supportive! Petition to give her that award. She is clearly the winner. (1D clinex? capitalism in its pure state 😂. Did they really made those? Glad i didnt find it on time bcs i would have definitely brought them as a joke to my sister or something). You are already playing Niall’s songs to her? Did she like them? Does she have anything similar to “pikachu get away” she had for SOTT?. (2)

JAJAJAJJA. Netflix always does that to me too. Dont know why. I started watching Black mirror backwards bcs of that. Did you understand anything of chapter 7 os ST? (Did you finish the show??). Yep. The 8th season is the last one, and i dont know hoe to feel about it. Dissapointed by the shows? As in with the ending?? Or how? (3)

You sound like a devoted cat lady, yes. Ooow, i have little cousins too, though they are reaching the age of “too cool to be seen with you, old girl” Of course they make me laugh. Honey is a menace and i appreciate it. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. He ate the chorizo?? Honeeey!! 😂😂😂 that made me laugh at loud int the train and now my neighbour is looking at me weirdly. I see, you’ll never get bored with him. (4)

When i was younger and + close minded, i didnt like tattos. Considere also that the ones I had saw in real life were the tribal ones, so there’s tgat. But then i grew up and started liking them (you can partially blame larry for that). Nobody in my family (cousins and so) has one, and thats kind of a encouragement, I’d love to piss them, but my dad has threaten me to disinherit me (we dont heven have that, lol) and i dont have any tatto on mind, so i wont do it… maybe in the future, yes. (5)

I MISS LOUIS TOO! I hope he is fine. Resting and so. Im sure that creating the album that will destroy us all takes a lot of effort. (Seriously, where is heeeee?). Heeey!! I wont get bored. Or mad! I have such a great time talking to you. If i dont talk more its bcs of the character limit and bcs im always worried about pressuring or imposing. Dont be dumb. If i dont answer its bcs im busy with finals and so. Nothing more. Promise. (6)

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. i know i know. It makes sense and its a smart move, but… i cant stand raeggeton/latino, its not for me. Sad. I havent lost hope though. Maybe ill change my mind later Yeah, i have the same problem with my friends, they only listen to trap and raeggeton and i die everytime. We mostly agree to put something neutral like pop or the radio. (Disney songs never get old😂). (7)

Ay. I just saw that i wrote “heven” instead of “even” and now i want to delete myself. I was walking while writing the asks and i didnt proofread it. I feel so dumb. Anyway, sorry for sending so many asks (today i made a record xd) and, as always, good night!!————————————————————————-Hi!!!! Yes! I saw the ranking. But it isn’t exactly a ranking. It’s more to like chose wants your favorite suit. I did it and guess what? My first choice in the Madrid one, jajajaa. Second the kilt. And third the jumpsuit. Very accurate.

Oh, you’re telling me! My family bought me a bunch of 1D merch (unofficial all): the clinex, a hair brush, a bracelet, 2 books!, one perfume (this I love it, it smells so good), a make up box… I can’t even remember everything. Ah! A birthday card too!! Where they talk when you open it. I always use to wish happy birthday to people (the audio) 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had to tell them to please stop wasting money on those things. I don’t even know where I have it. And if a can ask, I’d rather they give me the money so I can go to their concerts,jajajaja.EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the poster!! I have it beside my head right now,jajaja, and I only realized it was there when I looked at the boys to ask for inspiration,😅😅)

Oh, my mom loves Niall’s album too. But I don’t think she “knows” any of the lyrics,jajaja. Though, she knows the hmmmm in This Town. But that’s all. She and my sister, both separately were like: “oh! who’s him??” When they heard Fire Away. And I was like: “ehhhhh, it’s Niall’s album, so guess who’s it?? What, you like it? See, Harry’s not the only one who can sing…” jajajajja. It’s because of comments like this, that they think I don’t like Harry. And I get so offended when they hint at it! Like, of course I like Harry. But I like all of them too!! God!! I love Niall’s album so much (I’m hearing it right now, bc I couldn’t remember what song was the one they liked it so much, and now I can’t stop 😅). Harry’s and Niall’s albums have been lining in my car since they were released. I had Harry’s playing in a loop till I got Niall’s one and I interchanged them. Then Harry’s came back a month or so before his concert. And now it’s time for Niall’s again. (You can’t imagine how hard it’s being writing this with honey laying on my arm!! Jajaja, I can’t barely move my fingers😅).

AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WATCHING BLACK MIRROS BACKWARDS??? I’ve watched canter 1 and 2 of ST afterwards, but I hadn’t gotten to watch the whole thing yet. I can’t stand to be looking at a screen for 50minutes without doing anything. And don’t get me wrong, lol, I can be on tumblr for hours, jajaja, but a have to move my hand, and I can go from a blog to another… y'know, jajajajaja. And when I watched chapter 7 of ST i was like, okay… now they have to investigate what happened… or a guessed they would be doing flashbacks… jajajajajaja. Then I realized my mistake and thought I was stupid, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣“I see you from a different point of view🎶🎶” ( sorry, that’s me singing,jajajaja, Seeing Blind. I LOVE that song)And shows have disappointed me in the sense that they turn out to have an awful ending (seriously, I know you do it for the audience, but end a show how it deserves it, don’t turn it into shit just for a handful of money); or bc they just end it bc they don’t have enough audience. It’s always a matter of audience,jajaja.if they have a lot, they want to explode it. And if they don’t have enough they finish it ASAP. 😒

Honey is a menace, yeh, I couldn’t love him more,jajajaja. He can’t see me petting Liam, he gets jealous and comes to me and headbutt my hand so I pet him too. And Liam is so patient with him. They’re totally like liam and Louis, jajja. Hey! did I tell you the story about when I got Liam? no!! Well, someone gave my dad 4 kitties (they were sooooo small). So, guess their names (it was post March 25, 2015…) yes!! They were named (by me) Louis, Niall, Harry and Liam, jajajajajja. But Harry died a couple of days later, because he was really really young. He couldn’t survive without his mom ☹️. And the other three, my dad took them to a place we have were he has a little garden (?) with vegetables and chickens and proper farm-y, jejeje. I wasn’t too (any) into cats back then, so… Then he brought home one of them, to have our home free of mice. AND IT WAS LIAM!! And I adopted him. I took care of him. We started loving each other. And he became useless with mice, jajaja. He’s totally domesticated now 😝. And that’s his story. The rest? Louis became a big alpha male at their new home. But s car ran him over last summer, and he died 😔. And Niall is a female, jajajajaa. And I hate her. Because she hasn’t been able to keep her kitties alive once!! (She’s pregame again, and we’re praying this time she knows who to be a mom🙏🏻) Ah!! And Honey had siblings the other day!! The guy who gave it to my dad is my brother’s friend and he show him a pic. There are two white cats!! I WANT THEM!!! But they don’t let me have anymore cats! Jajajajaja.

Hey, we might have in common the reason why we started liking tats, jajajjajaa. And, well, to piss off the family is as good a reason as any other,jajajaja. And why are dads like that?? When my sister and I got our lips pierced he went to pick up at the train station and as soon as he saw us he turned around and walked to the car without saying a word,jajajajja. I HAD TOLMY PARENTS WE WOULD BE DOING IT!! I asked my mom:hey mom, if a get a 10 in maths, can I get a piercing?? And she say okay. So I got a 10 (I might cheated or not on this, bc I already knew I had a 10, but wel…), and I got a piercing.my sister only got it, bc I was 16, she had to go with me as an adult, and giving she was already there, she got one too,jajajaja. (My granny almost kill us 😅)

Oh, louis has a BIG responsibility on his hands. He will be killing a lot of people when he puts out his album. He has to chose the proper songs to do it. It will be considered a massive destruction weapon, so he better be careful. But god, for real, when will Louis and Liam release their albums. At this pace, Harry and Niall will be releasing their second one before LiLo has finished their respective tours. And when they finish, Narry will have release their second one, and will be promoting them. So Lilo will start working in their seconds one. And… and… AND ONE DIRECTION WON’T COME BACK EVER BECAUSE THEY CAN FIX A DATE WHERE ALL OF THE BOYS HAVE NOTHING TO DO, AND WHAT WILL I DO??? 😭😭😭😭😭 (sorry, I panicked a bit there,oops).

Uggggg, I can’t stand raeggeton either. I can’t stand the music, argggg. Or the culture of it (the how it treats women, and glorifies sex). I can’t I can’t.and you can’t go out without hearing it. My friends and I went on road trip once. And it was my friend’s car. And she only listens to raeggeton. And after 10, 15, 40? minutes I had to ask her “will this song ever end???” And she told me it was already a different one. And I swear I almost jump out of the car,jajajajaja. We were crossing a bridge, and I wanted to jump out of the car!!!!! I couldn’t listen to that any more!!!!!  Ejkbvwirbfeuirnfrvoieefvnv The she caved and we switched to movie’s soundtracks,jajajaja.

Ha! Don’t worry about sending a lot of ask, I learn something, you’ll see,jajajajaa.Also, I forgot to ask early. Is your sister a 1d fan too, then? She goes to concerts and knows the song… how lucky! you have someone to talk about all the gossip!! (And they know what you’re talking about…) or is she a “casual” fan, and doesn’t get into fandom drama? She just likes the music and doesn’t care about their lives?are you both into drama?? God, I don’t discuss drama very much online, but if had someone face to face to talk about it… I would be the happiest person in the world,jajajajaa (what an exaggeration 🙊).

I think this is all. I LOVE ORPUR CONVERSATIONS!! Jajajaja( I hope I did it correctly and all this is under read more, jajaja)Byeeeeee!!!! 😚😚😚😚

[yutadori]

hi hello! yessss i’m so glad yuki has kakeru TT their bickering is so funny and those SOFT yuki smiles like my heart just ahhhh!! & kyo and tohru are soso soft like w/ them realizing their feelings and the play!! omg i love them! yes kono oto tomare i liked a lot!! and it looks cute but don’t be fooled bc it’s a sport anime in disguise and it’ll come for your heart :’)) ahhh yes shirayukihime!! i watched it a few months back and i love it!!

i want to read the manga but haven’t gotten around to finding where to read it yet :( oooh i haven’t heard of those manga but they look cool from what i’ve seen you post! i always love to see you talk abt shows and everything~ your waves are so nice ^^ and yes!! i DID get to go to the bbt place finally! and it was so goood but now i wanna go again soon haha i have the things to make it at home but i cannot figure out how to get the ice right w/out watering it down??sdfshj

but ooh have you tried making anything else recently? summer’s almost over idk how that happened? i did get to go to the beach a few times! and the one i go to it’s cool bc there’s only ever like four?? other cars there and at low tide you can go suuuper far out bc sandbars!! but i’m ready for cooler weather now :)) i hope you’re doing ok w/ everything going on?!! it’s crazy hearing abt the west coast rn.. pls stay safe + take care!! 💖💖💖 - xkit anon

AAAA HELLO ANON LOVE!!!!! i missed you a lot omg thank you for being patient with my replies like always!!! <3 

omggg yessss please they’re such a funny pair i love them SO MUCH!!! dynamics like theirs are my fave omg and i feel like they are so good for each other )): kakeru bringing out yuki’s more genuine personality with his chaoticness is my fave LOL and omg i KNOW yuki’s soft genuine smiles are like . wow . this is the happiness you deserve, im so happy for you omg T___T  omg kyoru YEAH!!! omg at first i didnt really get the hype with them but as we slowly progressed through the series i was like oh okay i get it now they’re really soft T__T omg when kyo realized that he loves tohru.... goodbye that was a lot gfdgdfgdf

omg wait i think i’ve heard of kono oto tomare!! 0: ohhh wait i bookmarked it some time ago... hm i think i may try picking it up soon! unsure if right now is a good time because for some reason, i havent been able to get into anything new like i’ve picked up and dropped around 5 shows in the past two weeks or so, its really annoying T___T also thank you for the sad warning gsgfdgf f how do sports anime always end up being SAD PLEASE )))):

ooohh i have a few manga sites that i use! i’d say the one i like the most is mangadex! there arent any/many ads even on mobile and it’s v neat and easy to navigate! i think there’s also mangareader/net and manganelo! i hope they work well for you if you decide to use them !!

omg thank you im glad you dont mind seeing those posts !! T___T i miss rambling about shows and stuff.. i havent been able to get into anything new which has been :// i think the only thing i’m really into right now is jujutsu kaisen?? but idk i think the coffee i had the other day awakened somethnig in me and i’ve just been thinking and talking about my ocs for the past few days gfsgdfgfdgf 

oooohhh yay im so happy you got to go to the bbt place!!! ^__^ and omg making bbt at home that sounds so exciting yesss (~: awww i get what you mean i think my friend had the same problem )): i never really used ice and usually just left it in the fridge so maybe you could try that if the ice ratio doesn’t work out?? 0: 

aaa actually i havent cooked anything in a while, ive just been eating take out that my brother brings home or eating what my mom cooks whenever shes home gfdgfdg BUT omg actually i was watching some cooking videos the other week and i got some ingredients to make onigiri, since they seem relatively easy to make!! :3 im not sure when ill be making those but im really excited for it hehe ^__^ how about you?? :3

aaaa i knowww omg i was so sad about summer ending, i cant believe it was over so fast like that )): i really miss it, esp since it’s sooooo cold nowwwww T___T and with daylight savings, it starts to get dark at like... four pm which is SO SAD ))): i know it can get pretty cold on the east coast so i hope you’ve been able to stay warm recently!! <3 oh and im glad you were able to go one last time before summer ended and that there werent many people !! <3

and thank youuuu so much for thinking about me awww im T___T omg it was so WILD like . fires in california are normal esp in summer (unfortunately...) because of how HOT and dry it gets here but it was even worse this year because i believe it was worsened by a gender reveal party which was -___- esp bc as far as what i know, the people who started it were california residents and it’s like.. if you live here you know.... that california is susceptible to fires esp in the summer so it was ://// but it was wild because where i live we’ve never really been too affected by the fires??? like if you drove and looked at some mountains from farrrr away or something you could sometimes see the fires depending (help does this make sense gfdgf) but ??? this time i actually ?? smelled ashes from the inside of my house..... with our windows open.... and at first i thought it was just me but my brother said when he went out he’d seen ashes and i was just like ?!?! because i don’t think it’s been that bad before in our area (at least not for a Long Time) but yeah anyway gfdsgfdg thankfully??? the effects of the fire in our area didnt last for too long !! and we got our first rain last week !!! gfdgfdgfd

but yesss thank you for checking in i really appreciate your kind words love!! <3 how have you been doing yourself and what have you been up to?? i hope you’ve been doing well and staying warm!! <3 take care and stay safe!!! 💖💖💖

[sisternomister]

okay im going to vent here bc i want to

im just so sad. i was good and now im not. i felt numbness and now i am just fucking sad. i guess something is better than nothing. but fuck. im so overwhelmed and i dont do SHIT with my life. like im not doing ANYTHING productive with myself and im more stressed out than i have been in SUCH a long ass time. is it reverse seasonal affective depression? or just the regular old depression i already fucking have? I’m so fucking sad. im lonely. i have no view of my future. all i want is to be happy. i felt that if i could just be free of depression that i would gain a drive, ambition, motivation, will, to get out and do things for me. I have a weak ass personality. i have 1 and half friends now. i dont even see them once every couple of months. i last saw one last month, and before that i hadnt seen her in five fucking months. and the OTHER one I havent seen since february. i don’t see people other than my family. i dont go out bc i dont have people to hang out with, or things to go do bc of myself, and i dont have fucking money. i need a job but i am just so mentally unstable rn. maybe it might add stability. but i want a “perfect” job. which no one like me really ever gets, at least not presently. like if i want a job I KNOW i could do easily and have it be enjoyable, theres the STRONG likelihood of not meeting people i can relate to. bc i also crave people, i miss social interactions, i miss having friends and id probably have to work in fast food, restaurants, and retail in order to do that and man retail really drained me. i worked the worst hours, couldnt feel like i clicked with three coworkers and it really made me hate myself more, i couldnt get time off for exams bc we were short staffed and i just quit. i had no time and now i have all of it and im doing absolutely nothing with it. i put things in gods hands. i let him lead me through things. i have held on to hope for years and this is the first fucking year where i have lost it all. man i want to be fucking happy. i would love having friends to hang out with. i am a good friend. i would love to have a group of people who knew me more than my family. the people i have in my life now, i am grateful for. they are good. plus ihave been so fucking irritable lately and it really disappoints me. its like for no fucking reason, i have attitude. and romance? godddddd. the guy i was talking to for two weeks, i like(d) a lot but we decided it was best not to see one another since he works so much and does so much and he doesnt have time for me. you know what? did i like HIM or the things he did? idk anymore. i need to get over him. im going to delete him. i dont need to check up on him. i dont want to know. just did it. didnt really feel good but i felt a shift in my heart. something changed. something happened. anyways ill deal with that when it bothers me again. fuck man im turning 19 in less than a month having done nothing that benefits the future i would ideally have for myself. and i hate it. i know hate. i know this. why did my brain do this? why did i do this to myself? im full of hate, yet only want to love. I am so negative, but only wish to be able to get out of it. i want goodness. i am blessed, i am lucky, i am fortunate, i am loved. but i am depressed, i am lonely, i am isolated, I have no more true driving force that would help me reach any goals for my future, i have no idea of my futture. i am not who i want to be. i asked for gods help. help me please. i dont want to live like this anymore. its been so long. its killing me. I dont want to die, but wont fight it. help me please. 

[notchasingspace-blog]

Written on 2/12/17:

It’s taken a lot to finally make this post. I think I just had really high expectations in my final reflection, something that closes this experiment beautifully and sums up everything that happened this year for me. But that’s a lot of pressure. Like telling myself If I dont write an eloquent and genuine final reflection this whole thing would be a waste. And the more I put it off, the more pressure I would put on myself to make it better. Oh well, this isn't going to be perfect but I was sick of that incomplete feeling. And I figured today is the last day I could make the excuse, because a year ago today I met Elijah. Thats one moment this past year that totally flipped my world upside down and it’s apparent through the posts.

Part of the reason for this experiment is based on that common feeling of “if I could tell myself then what I know now” or “I wonder what I was thinking in that moment” or “if I could go back and relive that”. I think about these things a lot, almost like there are different versions of myself, that are all me, but they don’t really know each other and they can’t communicate with one another. We are constantly changing and I don't even consider the person I was a week ago the person I am today, which is mind blowing and crazy. When I look back at these posts, I feel like I am looking at someone much younger, much more innocent and unaware.  And thats not bad and its not for any specific reason other than I have been alive longer than that Kendra.

If I were to tell myself at the very beginning of this blog everything that happened and everything I am now, there would be some things that would be more surprising than others. If I were to tell myself that I fell in love and moved away from home with them and now spending my life with that person, I would have been very surprised I think. It was exactly what I was looking for in that time of my life, where I felt life was at a stand still and felt like life had a lack of the vibrance I had once seen, but also exactly what I was not looking for. I wanted to meet someone that opened my eyes to a new world, excited me and made me see the artist that I am, and make me fall in love with life again. I would be taken back to hear I moved out and put so much of myself into another person, scared of what that dependency would lead to and feel like that would be risking my heart too much. But I don't regret a thing. One thing I have grown to is the idea of taking chances and putting all of myself into something, whether I fall or fly, and that applies to love as well.

If I were to tell myself that I was able to completely support myself on filmmaking, I would be very happy, and pround, but I don't think surprised. I think I expect myself to succeed with the career path that I have chosen because I know if I ever leave any room for doubts I will undoubtedly break.

If I were to tell myself that I have all the same friends as I do now, I would say “well I would hope so!” but I realize how important that is to mention. I have such amazing friends and family and having a falling out with any of them is something hard to even think about. Now of course its hard, and it gets harder every year, to keep in touch and be as close as the year before, but I love all my friends and they love me and I hope there isn't ever anything to get in the way of that.

If I were to tell myself grandpapa passed away, now I’m not sure how I would respond. I think I would be sad. I might be relieved though, because there are some points that seemed like there was too much pain for him to be worth it. I would hope that he passed peacefully, and hope that grandmama was okay. He did, and she is. But she is sad, she lost her soul mate.

If I were to tell myself that Donald trump would be president, I probably would throw up, but then focus on the reasons why and try to hone in on what factors lead to that and how I can help. I think over this year I have become a lot more aware of what’s going on in the world, and feel empowered when listening to the news and talking about injustice in society rather than shutting down and being depressed. I like that change a lot. Feminist topics and racial inequality are some things that I have become very passionate about and I hope that doesn't fade after this election simmers down.

I feel like I am forgetting a lot, but I think thats just how it goes with this sort of stuff. Summing up your whole life in a year into one post is much less tangible than I expected, because I am a full human filled with millions of experiences and feelings and complexities. But for now, I think this is okay. I just would lastly like to reflect on my feelings of this blog. Although I didn't stay true to the end, and I fell out the last half of the year, reflecting on my life is something that really switches my mindset about the life I am living. I think experiences are great and feelings are an amazing part of being a human. But I think reflecting on those experiences and feelings truly is what can help you learn  and grow. I realize that the last half of the year, when I didn't reflect, I felt more lost and inadequate. One of the feelings I dislike the most is not being able to understand the emotions going on inside and express them. I feel like a big ball of feelings that isn’t competent enough to speak for myself and explain whats going on in my brain. not only this, but I appreciate moments much less when I dont reflect on them. Even on the worst of days,I looked forward to getting my feelings out and soaking them in and understanding them. And now some of those bad days are my favorite posts on my blog. I think I missed so many opportunities of reflection when moving into the tiny house. That in itself is such an amazing experience to have, but I feel like it just sort of happened and I still havent fully processed that life change. I have pictures of this new life, I even now have a video and article about it. but I havent yet sat down, thought and wrote about this change and how it was effecting me as a person, which really is a shame. I’m not a good writer, and I dont try to be, but writing does do something for me that a lot of things can’t, and that is reassurance. Reassuring that what Im feeling is amazing and human and every experience- good or bad- is just one more thing to lead me on my path. Id like to continue- and maybe I will, but another version of it. Maybe this time Ill see through the end.

One last thing- I started this whole thing talking about Yeti. And I havent seen him in quite some time and think about him every once in a while, but looking over this past year, he has had a huge influence on who I am today whether I knew it or not. Im living in  tiny house, living simply. Trying to eat local, organic, and in season. I try to keep the human connection more and spend a lot less time on the internet . Just... yeah.. there are a lot of things I can list... thank you Yeti. 

And this concludes  notchasingspace. catch ya later future kendra. <3

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #6: "My brain does not math at this hour. Stay tuned." - Sharky

I'm so sad. Everything worked out just like we thought it would but it's still not what I wanted. Charlie went home and he was actually a really good ally. I feel like I maybe could have done more to try and save him but then I would have lost other allies.

OKAY. LET'S. DISH. This swap also worked out really freakin well for me. My #1 Brian is still with me by my side. I was reunited with Dennis who is part of Four of a Kind, plus he is a challenge BEAST. Nick actually thinks I voted to save him which is not the case but made me looks like such a good ally to him, so I had to do 0 damage control. And I'm finally on a tribe with Matt who I've been wanting to work with. This is actually the best case scenario.

Welp. I knew something was happening but a swap wasnt it. Lucky i talked to Bryce earlier so he has my back. We also have Keaton and Marie but we have to see where their heads at. Nate is talking to me and right now i really like his vibe. Annebelle i havent had a chance to but wasnt able to make it so idk if they’ll be here. Hopefully we can win immunity tonight.

So we swapped. Again. AND I AM THE ONLY FUCKING OG MADIGAN ON MY TRIBE. THIS IS SOME BS. James the lil'bitch had to fucking quit over a fucking flash game so we could have MERGED but NO! I see how it is. At least I have Dennis and Brian (who i would literally DIE for) and nicole as well! Sharky is an FB ORG legend so im looking forward to getting to know him. Nick already seems dry asf so yay? Like I think I can blend in quickly with this tribe, but I am still nervous about what would happen if we merge. IDK if the FBers (its weird to me how im considered one now LOL) will team up or whether we will wither and die and I have to pull out my idol (yah i still have some sanity!) WOO TIME TO CRY AT ENDURANCE

ok well we swapped and im kind of loving it but not. like i love that maynor and nathan are here. but so is kirby! so! i miss dennis and brian seems like a legend so i wanted to play with him but oh well maybe merge if i survive! its awk this live challenge bc marie prob wont be doing it like even during the good times for her timezone KJHFADKSJDF. but! ugh dennis is gonna slay this so sad i have a good sleep schedule yikes. its fun that nicole is on the other tribe hopefully that evens it out for us having marie. annabelle hasnt spoken to me yet either so. hmmm.... maynor wants to work with me so thats GREAT love him wooh!!!

Okay we are actually working really well as a tribe on this challenge. No shade to my previous tribes but I haven't seen this much teamwork in a challenge yet this season. Feels good.

This swap was really good for me i think. And I had 2 swaps today and I was going crazy. I have now Bryce and Keaton both wanting to work with me which is good because now we atleast can make it a tie if the others dont want to work with us. I really like Nate so Im going to try and see where he’s heads at. Marie doesnt talk much and is offline. And starting to talk to Anna. I dont think we are going to win this immunity.

Matt is great. End of story.

3:51 am. Dennis, Matt, and I have really stayed up to pull this challenge together. And we are so close. This would give Brian and I a much needed break from tribal council and considering I can see myself working with all of these players I'd rather us win so I can have as many options as possible when we merge. I just need to stay up for another hour or so to get this done. Matt and Dennis have already stayed up all night to get it done. Also though in the back of my mind I'm clocking how Dennis works REALLY hard at these challenges...maybe too hard. And now I'm rambling...because it is now 3:54 am.

4:21 am. We think we have won. Unsure. My brain does not math at this hour. Stay tuned.

SO WE WON IMMUNITY WOOOO! Thank god, live tribals for some reason would make me really nervous so i am happy to be safe! hopefully the merge is soon as well, would love to get there and know i made jury (something which doesn't happen too me that often ngl) Sharky and I really hit it off last night, and i know this cause we established that Betty white is very dom but also caring about her subs. so thats a sentence you just read. If feel like even if I went to tribal, im likeable enough to make into into the majority alliance that could spring up, so I am happy with how I am playing tbh. Will it make me a threat further down the line? probs but i'll deal with that later

Can I just say that the laptop Discord is way better than mobile Discord. But catch me still using mobile discord all the time. Anyways.... It looks like the target might be Marie for tribal. TBH I really hope this tribal goes smoothly and everyone just votes for Marie. She was one and didn't help out in the challenge, as far as I could tell. Haven't seen the ones after I deadass fell asleep on my phone. Bryce and Keaton have my back so that's all that matter. Nate I have to keep an eye on because he threw my name with Marie because he didn't talk to me. (He was telling Keaton this.) I was like bruh why you lying. We literally talked for a couple of hrs after the swap before you went to bed. I'll update if there is any more spicyness. but It sucks though. Now only 2 people to have not gone to tribal is Dennis and Nicole.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk_Ur9d_wY8&feature=youtu.be

only audio this time. Like switching it up hehe

everything is so quiet i think im going home which is super sad bc the game is pretty fun and i really wanted to work with maynor dennis and nathan somemore but oh well!!! am i a meninist? also i stan annabelle again she like kind of doesnt talk to me but when she does shes a legend league goddess. marie is so inactive that im going to vote her but i wish keaton left instead!

Hello! I am still safe and probably will remain so until merge, so.....this is fun! Lots of fun! Every time I try to contribute to a challenge I wake up and we've already won or finished it. I...is this the work ethic of Discord games? If so, I love being carried like this. Anyways, hoping that anyone who was cordial to me on my last tribe doesn't get the boot. I'm figuring Maria might go just because she has been so inactive (except that one time Keaton called her inact in the chat and she came on like AND WHAT ABOUT IT???). So anyways that's my thoughts on that. See ya at merge (?) or maybe we are gonna have another round before that.

Today is the day i go to my first tribal. Its kinda nerve wracking but also not because everyone seems to be unified to vote out Marie tonight. Its barely 11:22 am so anything can happy until 5 pm. Im just hoping nothing crazy is happening.

Okay so this day off has been really great for me. Especially since we are still expecting a merge. And we all know once merge hits the party don't stop. However, I'm really interested to see what happens with this vote. Maynor is all alone but I need him to make the merge. Aside from Brian he is my best ally. Not to mention Nathan and Annabelle want to work with me. If they go I won't be heartbroken but I could use the allies. Then there is Bryce and Marie. I have no relationship with them but in a merge situation I think Brian could pull them into something. So I guess best case scenario Keaton goes. But also as long as it's not Maynor I would have to readjust my strategy.

OK, so it's been a couple of days!  I said I'd do confessionals daily but it just doesn't work with how little is going on in the game on the winning tribe!  I know that Nicole approached Sharky for some alliance with her and Dennis, but I just... 2 people doesn't make the numbers on the tribe and Sharky will be more loyal to me as opposed to them!

I guess I didn't really talk much about the swap either because it did just happen.  Basically I got majority of my OG tribe (Nicole, Dennis, Sharky, and myself), but I also got Matt and Nick.  I ADORE Matt and so I plan on working with him in the long run of this game if possible, and I'd love to make Nick the first boot from this tribe hehe... he needs to go before he gets his hands on any more items.  He thinks Sharky was the vote against Charlie and not me, so maybe Sharky snapped, but I genuinely don't care at the moment because Nick wouldn't feed me any information like he would feed Sharky since I know Sharky's playing a good social game.  I like Nicole and Dennis but I just don't care about longterm plans with either of them.  Ideally, I'd love my endgame to be me, Sharky, Marie, Bryce, Matt, and Nathan so that I sit perfectly in the middle of people I want to work with, but I don't know if that's their ideal plans with me, soooo!! I love dis game, and I'm really glad I got this day break after my team carried my ass because I just needed some quiet time…

I like this tribe because we won the challenge.. nothing has really happened besides me talking to some people and making some stronger connections... we all see a merge being what comes next and i cant wait for it to happen.

Idk I think this tribal will go ok but people haven’t really been talking to me a whole lot on this swap so hopefully no ones lying to me and I’m getting fucked over tonight we’ll see I guess fingers crossed!!

We swapped and lost immunity and I have no idea what's happening once again. I'm gonna vote Keaton again because of his behavior and hopefully I'm not the one being voted out ugh

Marie is voted out 5-1.

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 6 Confessionals

I mean I didn't make the idol play. But um #LUKEDIDTHAT. Love he did that. But Lexi self voting??? Ruining Luke's plan of getting someone out? ICONIC!! Poor Lexi is prob going to go home lol. But I'm happy the idol I found did something but sad that its now gone and a new one? might be able to be found for those  4 remaining.

One more fake swap / fake merge and I'm going to vote myself off this island.

So iconically, Luke idolled, which i'm happy about. I'm NOT happy about Ryan being voted out considering I was kind of wanting to play a game with him. It also doesn't make sense considering... he's tried in every challenge, and has helped out the tribe greatly imo, but then again - we don't know the social dynamics and tribe outlook on their tribe. Carson told me he found an idol, and i'm superbly excited. Will he use it on me? Likely not. But it's still good to know we have it in OUR possession, and i'm not planning on leaking a word. The fact that he told me is satisfying though, and I do truly feel as if he's my #1 in the game right now. The challenge? Pass. It's something... logic puzzles are... awful (yet a little fun at times, sure). The cup thing... whomst... and the counting? I'm fairly triggered. I'm going to likely sit out because i'm busy today and I just couldn't care or want to do ANY of that. also why is there no SWAP!

Last tribal was fun with my idol play but Lexi made it less iconic with the self vote but that was completely understandable since she has a lot going on personally and I hope she's okay <3 It worked well in the sense that Jordan and Jay can still convince Lexi that they just had to do what they had to do with the tie and they saved her over Ryan. I compleTELY FUCKED UP THE COUNTING PART OF THE CHALLENGE WHICH I WAS ALREADY EH ABOUT DOING SINCE IT'S THE WORST BUT EUUURGH I MESSED UP. I'm hoping that we can win but if we don't then I hope I can trust Jay and Jordan enough to keep our 3 alliance strong and just vote our Lexi unanimously providing she doesn't have an idol or anything like that. I'll make an update after results...

Can you believe we win again? If we merge, it's gonna be 7-3. What a time to be alive!!! 

WHEWWWW i searched Mancos for the idol bc of my idol clue i got and i fucking found the idol and wow... i decided to tell Zach because I definitiely wanna nurture a relationship with him (love him so much) and we're a dynamic duo for sure!! i only talk to hi9m though and i def gotta fix that. playing this game AND another game at once is just a bit much but im still doing my best.

OKAY IM SCREAMING HOW DID I EVEN GET ANOTHER REWARD?? Idk how many rewards there have been in total bc I forgot but I've gotten 3 and didn't do 1 bc it was too risky but like what the heck how is this even happening?? I'm shook 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5g0x_0uPJo

WE WON IMMUNITY YESSS!!! going into the final 10 7-3 is definitiely amazing and im assuming luke goes on the other tribe. im fine with that bc it seems like everyone on my tribe is close to luke, so theyll be closer to me if hes gone!! im definitiely enjoying this tribe but like.. where does everyone stand?? who knows. we havent gone to a tribal since eric combusted and i dont know where i stand. i trust zach and i kinda trust bryce even if we dont talk strategy but idk where everyone else stands. katie truists me i think, but idk if i talk to her enough for it to be a FULL trust between us?? shes probably the one i trust the most after the other 2. charlotte is... whew?? she hates zach im pretty sure so like... idk about that personally. shes a good player and also like... idk i just dont talk to her as much as the other returnees. willow is cool and shes super nice but we NEVER talk strategy and also she like gave tons of info to eric allegedly then voted him out so idk if i can trust that rlly but like  thats a bit hypocritical bc i kinda used him too. i need to try talking more strategy with her. and chris... we talk and they're pleasant conversations but like willow, i dont talk strategy enough with him. plus hes a good game player from what ive seen in this game?? i know hes busy so i just gotta start getting a bit more out of him. my social game has def been slipping and if i dont get it up, im looking at a merge boot status bc tbh? i think im a pretty big threat. ideally, jordan pines is merge boot, then we can use lexi/jay to possibly get out some of our tribe, maybe charlotte?? on second thought i could use jordan for that too but like.. i dont trust jordan lmao. IDEALLY, id like a boot order of... f10: jordan f9: charlotte f8: lexi f7: willow f6: chris f5: jay f4: bryce f3: katie/zach, depends on who i think i can win easier against?? then ideally a final 2 of me winning. but survivor is always changing, so nothing is for sure. thats just how id LIKE it to happen, but nothing is gonna happen exactly so ill just pray!!

We lost immunity...again...shocker! Jay approached me earlier to potentially blindside Jordan and get him out since he's a huge threat at the upcoming merge but ultimately decided that using his connection with Katie and his reputation as a meat shield would be to our advantage since we're both winners and that is enough to get people to target us. It feels weird working this closely with Jay. If we merge next then plan to get Katie using Jordan, Carson using Jay and Zach using myself and then add Charlotte into the group and we should have a strong group. I also want to find out who gave me the immunity idol so I can first of all thank them, second of all ask them why and third if all work with them. I just hope I'm not being screwed by Jay the same way he was trying to screw Pines. 

Confessional #1 this round: Fuck ulta, i hate this tribe, i want to leave, ryan palmer let me go home

I accidently self voted last round and it tied between me and ryan because luke used an idol. so they voted ry out and i cried alittle. thats about all. 

Confessional #2- Rip Lexi, this is wrong, how the fuck are we gonna be at 3 players, after this wtf they have an entire tribe waiting to fight us

Im so happy we won again to be able to go into a merge with 7-3 majority maybe and a 4 person group into the 10 person game! Things are going well

Wish I can find the idol and hope luke doesnt go out either here

bye lexi! honestly like... idk. all newbies on their tribe are gone, it's so funny. im anticipating merge! or a swap.. or something. its 7v3 for crying out loud! im not sure what my move is going forward, but i think im confident. just kidding, i'm likely leaving. this is a bs conf but i may make one tomorrow hehe

haha I beat Jay

wow can't believe I'm this seasons challenge beast

We're really that tribe that's completely decimating everything.

I've been out all day and I see that they voted out Lexi. Every tribal that Jordan pines makes it through makes me even more nervous about getting to a merge with him around. We didn't have a good history in our last game but I'm hoping that there are more people around with bad blood with him so I can kinda just get by without getting any shots fired at me. I just want to go into a merge already. None of this potential "tribe swap" to make things even for one more round. I usually get fucked in a swap and I'd rather not have history repeat itself.

Over the course of the past week or so, i've been attempting to mend things with Charlotte. She's the only person that I feel like would be dead set on getting rid of me, so to weaken that desire would be sufficient. I also want to work on Katie and Chris a bit more so that the newbies (since i'm already decent with Willow, I believe) would be more loyal to me. I need opportunities! As for the pending upcoming merge or swap, i'm not ready. I would hope the 7 Ulta stay together for a BIT or something, like vote out Jordan. I'm semi-close with Jay and Luke, so would I want to vote them out right away? Well, in the wise words of Jay - absolutely not. But I would if I had to. I'd be more lenient with voting Jay since i'm now developing a friendship with Luke (because of another ORG) and I really like him, he's a cool kid. Him and I have NEVER worked together in past ORGs so if we manage to survive and make it on a tribe together, it'll be something refreshing. Carson's still my favourite though. He's a social god and it's scary. The kid has school from like 7-3pm and still finds more time to message me somehow or someway. It's... wildt. I trust him to an extent and him and I both have agreed that like we'll go far but obviously we are bale to betray one another if essential to our own game. I likely won't make it that far though RIP. I told him i'd be his lapdog, despite the tag of the season o.O Bryce. I didn't mention him yet. He's cool, him and I rarely talk but I think he's overall a great person. I'd like to talk to him more but our last conversation felt dull and I can't force a convo (not his fault, communication is indeed a two way street.) Nonetheless, it's something I may have to work on for my game. Also lowkey it's so funny because two tribals ago, you provoked the question regarding returnees and newbies, and here are some facts: - Ryan asked you to stop shoving it down his throat. He got voted out consequently. Iconic, right? - All newbies on their side are eliminated - All the boots in the game in general are newbies (with the exception of my Bahamas representative Willa...RIP good soul. The good die young!) So basically a returnee will win this game. It might be slightly worrying to Katie/Willow/Chris and they may want to extend and form bonds with OG Copa so that they have backup, because obviously there's a trend with voting out the newbies. Anyway, this is my third confessional this round... more than expected hehe hope you enjoy! P.S look at this rude ass message: On 2017-09-14, at 6:36 PM, carson wrote: > Use the Golden Rope to hang urself please HSDGNISDGNDS It was so funny I choked bye now

I seriously thought I was being screwed this round because I didn't think Jay would flip on Lexi but he did and I'm still here! 5 votes against me and I'm still here which is great!! There are only 3 of us left on Copa and we're an alliance so if we don't swap/merge and lose immunity then....it's going to suck. I think maybe I'd be in the middle? But equally Jordan and Jay have known each other a lot longer than they've known me so they might see me as disposable and get rid of me which I hope isn't the case. I really wanna merge and go work with Zach, Charlotte and Carson who I know and think I could work well with. Also Bryce, a newbie from last season, someone who I'd be interested in hooking up with in this game and working with!

So I got another advantage which is lit, I guess all these advantages are making up for kvaloya, anyway who knows how I'm gonna be able to explain the randomized vote?

Okay so like I just realized I'm in another game with Eric. And I kinda led the charge to get him voted out so I'm trying to win immunity otherwise he is totally killing me so sorry this is a terrible confessional but I'm STRESSING. 

If we don't merge I'm so incredibly fucked

[welcometohurt]

Welcome to hurt.

 Even though probably nobody will ever read this, give a fuck, or even see this, I decided to start this “Diary Blog” anyways. 

In case anyone ever does read this, I will remain anonymous. Maybe that will change one day, maybe it won’t, for now, I’m nothing. Literally, call me nothing. \\

Hello, I’m Nothing. Nice to meet you. Not that we are actually meeting, because I don’t ever leave my fucking house to actually meet people. I’m not really sure why I decided to start this blog, I am hoping it will let me vent and maybe it will help others... I mean I doubt it but who knows?

ANYWAYS.

About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Yes, really diagnosed by a real doctor dude and not one of those 15 year old self diagnoses “OMG I AM SO SAAD AND CAN’T HANDLE LIFE WAAAH PAY ATTENTION TO ME “ kind of shit. (Side note, if you are one of those people, see a doctor or stfu?) 

I’m not really sure WHY I got all this shit. Life for my was going great, I had the best friends, I was going out every night, I never got into drugs or alcohol, I just had fun. I do however have a hunch. The summer of 2011 was when my life went to shit. Stick with me, it’s going to be hard to follow. 

The summer of 2011 started of great. I had a new boyfriend of a few months who was 2 years older then me, and a couple of his friends were going out with my best friends so it was literally perfect, we all hung out all the time. It happened to be his graduating year, so that meant he had prom. When we started going out prom tickets had already been bought and prom was coming and it was just too late for me to be his date which I was totally okay with, he was just going with his buddies. A couple of months went by, prom came and gone and it was now July. My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 months. 

One day in July my dad had a stroke, we didn’t think he was going to make it. He forgot he had a family and had the mind of a 12 year old. I used my friends and boyfriend to vent and I was terrified I would be losing my dad by the time the week was over. 2 days go by my dad wakes up one morning i hospital and was totally and completely back to normal. The doctors were not really sure how, but they say it was a miracle. My dad was okay and back home the next day. 

The morning after my dad came home I got a call from my boyfriend from work... I was still down about everything. still worries, but I was okay. I thought my boyfriend was calling to give me a little cheer up. No, he wasn’t. He called in a panic and I thought something bad happened. It did, but not to him... just to me. He explained to me that he has been keeping something from me since prom and it was killing him. He told me a girl came up to him at prom and kissed him. I start laughing as I though it was cute he was so worried about that, and said as long as you didn’t kiss her back! He went quiet and said he did, and he didn’t stop. They just kept going. My boyfriend cheated on me at prom. Now I was 16 at the time, it was my first love... I didn’t want it to end so soon. I was crushed, but I was stupid and forgave him. His friends knew about it, and now my friends knew about it... some of them came over that day to cheer me up. They didn’t think I should stay with him but I did. We all hung out and by that night i WAS OKAY, it was okay... life went on. No one except those few people knows about that even 6 years later.

I didn’t think that after that week of events my whole life would change for the worse. 

Literally the next day I woke up feeling sick.( FUN FACT ABOUT ME: Ever since I can remember I have had a severe fear of throwing up. It’s controlled a few thigns in my life and it’s horrible but I get over it.. but when I feel sick I get pretty dramatic about it) Anyways, I woke up feeling sick and was worried I was catching the flu so I didn’t eat or go out that day. The next day, I still didn’t feel well, my boyfriend wanted to see me I declined and said I wasn’t well, my friends as well and I said the same thing. I stayed home and didn’t eat. The next day... the same thing... and the next day... the next... my mom started to notice. I went from a food loving girl who went out everyday to not eating or seeing people. She took me to the doctors and they say, they don’t know what’s wrong and they will do some tests. A MONTH goes by, I havent seen my friends. My boyfriend comes over every so often to see me and that’s it. September comes around and I wasn’t able to go to school. I keep getting tests done and nothing had been found out. Finally it’s November and I haven’t been to my grade 11 year yet... I am down to 85lbs and I found out rumors about me are starting at school.

Long story kind of short... I finally found out that I simply had anxiety this whole time. I started seeing help, put on pills... started eating... going out more... I wasn’t my old self but was better. It went on like that for a year or two. During those 2 years the pills I was on made me to start gaining weight. I started then getting depressed. Highschool didn’t help with that as I when I was sick and away the rumors about me never did stop. I won’t go into detail but just think of a random rumor and I probably heard it. 

When I started getting depressed I started going backwards... I started not really going out again... my boyfriend (the same one) started then getting frustrated and more angry with me. I lost most of my friends because I just didn’t see them.

Before I knew it highschool was over. I had to go back for a year because I didn’t have enough credits because of lack of attending school due to being sick. My boyfriend I was with was a smart person, always on top of  school and work.. by this time he was done college and had a full time job. He was disappointed to be witha girl that had to repeat a year in highschool... but he stayed with me. 

I finally finished and got my highschool diploma. I then got accepted to college... but I was also gettign worse again, and bigger, and going out less and less. I then developed a routine... in order for me to leave the house when I did I had to go through a 3 hour routine... and that got my boyfriend frustrated. I use to think he was the best boyfriend at the time.. I use to think wow he so awesome he helps me through everything. He really didn’t.. he would just get mad and I would just let him because I knew I was nothing and I was also just so in love. The year of college was tough. It was a 1 year course and I missed a lot of classes. I would leave a lot of classes when I got anxiety attacks.. I also gained more weight. My boyfriend decided he wanted to be a cbsa officer.. he had to go away for 3 months for training. I was so proud of him and told him I would support him through everything. I did. He went away which made me more depressed. I ate more. gained more. He saw pictures of me and began to comment on my weight... I though nothing of it and I said it wass bad angles... etc... he made me send picture to him to prove I wasn’t gaining  weight. I did and I never sucked in my stomach so much. I didn’t think anything of it,... he was just worried right? 

College ended and  didn’t graduate. I got more depressed. My boyfriend was mad. But, i did land a job for the summer I always wanted... working at a pet store! I loved it , it made me happy and made my confidence go up and I was feeling better. 

July came and my boyfriend was coming home from training and I was so excited... when I saw him he seemed kid of excited.. he must have just been tired. A week or two passed and i lost my job at the pet store. They said they over hired. My boyfriend was upset. I got sad again. I wasn’t going out again. October of 2015 I promised I would get up and go to the movies for a date. I tried my hardest and I did it. My boyfriend was not very impressed... on the ride home he seemed sad... the saying “forever and always” was our thing and we would say it to eachother. So i said it to make happy.. he was quiet... then I told him I loved him... he told me “you need to get better.. this is hrd to handle” I said I will but forever and always right? Still no response and I started to tear up... I said you want to break up dont you? He just nodded... and just started saying yes. 

That was it. We were it. After almost 5 years, after being eachothers basically first everything, that was it. 

The next few months were hell. I turned into a fuck it kind of girl. I got a rebound. wanted to die. hated myself. I got a job though? I hated myself. 

I started working at a restaurant... it helped me a lot... I slowly started to get over my break up. I started losing weight... I started going out more... I went out on dates.... none were potential boyfriends but iwas still fun. 

February 2016, I ran into my ex at the store. He was suprised to see me out and said hello... and then asked me to coffee.. coffee landed into making out which made me happy to have him again. He said he wanted to try again.. and offered to take me out on a date. I said yes of course.

The next day I texted him to plan the date and he said ... this was a bad idea... i changed my mind. Who the fuck knew my heart could break again so quickly? I went backwards again. I didn’t go out again. 

A couple months went by again... i still had my job at the restaurant. I started getting okay again. There was a group of kitchen guys that always talked to me and made me happy and we would always laugh non stop together. One of them, was so nice and sweet to me. I never knew why.. but he always invited me out with them. I always built up the stregth to go... and when I did he was always right there. I started to like him a lot. One day late at work, almost closing time he walks up to me... and asks me out. My whole life changed that day. We went on a date and haven’t stopped seeing eahother since. He made me the happiest. I told him my story and he understood as he went through similar problems as me.

He helped me through anxiety attack and encouraged me to take on my problems. the november of 2016 he encouraged me to apply to my dream job... one I thought I’d never have. I did I got it and  I quit the restaurant. He has never gotten mad at me for my illness he has made me realize what I wsas missing my past relationship. He spoils me and makes me so happy. 

2017 I started to fall backwards again and I don’t know why. It’s now July 2017 and I am the worst I have been since I can remember. I only leave my house to go to work or to very quickly pick things up at the store. I started cutting myself to stop thoughts of me hating myself and I thing about ending my life everyday.  I am still with the love of my life, we have been together over a year now. I would be dead without him. He is one of the hardest workers I know, he is in training to be a paramedic. He just graduated university after 4 years and now has a degree in medical science. He is going back to school to be a paramedic in september and is a volunteer paramedic in the meantime.

I worry everyday that I don’t make him happy cause I can’t do things with him. I worry everyday he will realize that he deserves so much better. I don’t know why  my mental illness is getting worse again. I have everything. I don’t know why. I have someone that sticks with my and helps me through everything so why is it getting worse? What if/ when will he realize he deserves so much more?

I am not really sure why my mental illness started. But here I am.

Welcome to my blog.