#maybe shes aro maybe shes ace maybe she identifies with some other label

[im-smart-i-swear]

aroace nika mickiewicz. is this anything

[aro-comics]

Maybe More People Are Arospec (Part 3)

Maybe More People Are Arospec, 3/3 - The Alloaro Edition, in which we cover some alloaro specific (negative) tropes that I personally believe is the reason why there are so few people who identify as alloaro 🙃

I both have everything and nothing to say on this one, because the topic at hand hits home harder than I want to admit 😔. I think it's important to acknowledge the harm that constantly enforcing these ideas about sex without romance as being inherently emotionally drainining, a sign of emotional immaturity, or predatory, etc. probably damages the self-perception and self-worth of most alloaros greatly. Of course,:I understand that NOT ALL highlighted are inherently related to being alloaro - but the way these ideas are framed, especially in the split panel, imply sex without romance is the root of the problem, which in reality it is not. A lack of communication, respect for other's boundaries, or being flat out a predator is the actual issue here.

Anyway, I do understand the intersection of different issues that lead to the ideas that I referenced in the comic (elaborated more in the comments). I suppose the solution, as usual, is more education and more nuance surrounding the discussion 😅😉

I'm so glad to finally have this last part of the series up! I hope you enjoyed the ride, and for sure let me know if there's anything else that I haven't covered here you think also keeps people from realizing that they're aromantic 💚💚💚

[Image Description:

Slide 1: Celia sits on a green armchair in a living room. "Actually, let's make this take even more spicy - maybe a lot more people are alloaro in particular."

Slide 2: She looks down. "Alloaros are more likely to be labelled as heartless, or feel that on top of being 'broken' there's something predatory about themselves -"

Slide 3: "There's this idea that people who only want sex, and not romance, are the kind of people you want to avoid. Who don't care who they hurt. You know the trope - "

Slide 4: An illustrated example of the stereotypical trope. Shown is a house party where two characters are interacting. A taller man leans over a clearly intimidated woman:

"Hey Babe, you alone here tonight?" "Umm …" "Come on, don't be so cold, why don't you loosen up a little?" "No, uh-"

An arrow points to the man that says ""the predatory-college-fuckboy-frat-bro-trope"

Slide 5: Another series of examples, this time illustrated from Celia's childhood. The panel is split into three as you progress through the years. In each section Celia watches a television show.

1: "You can't trust him, ALL he does is sleep around - he's never settled down" 2: "Sorry I'm only looking for something casual right now …" "You're scared of commitment" "No, I-" "You're just using me!" 3: "At least it happened with someone who's loved her and been dating her forever", this is in reference to a teenaged character having sex the first time.

In this last section celia says, forlorn, "There's something wrong with ME, isn't there?"

Slide 6: Celia speaks to viewer directly. "I sure as hell didn't want to admit I was Aro because I knew I wasn't Ace."

Slide 7: "So yeah, those are my thoughts. I've told my allo friends about my theories and they …"

Slide 8: "… didn't exactly believe me." Celia is shown video chatting with her friend, saying "So those are my theories as to why romantic attraction is probably less common than we think, and why there's probably way more Aro people! People are probably too embarassed to admit it because stigma or never even realized it!"

Friend awkwardly says "I … I'm sorry I gotta say I don't agree …"

Slide 9: Celia holds her finger up to her chin, pondering. "Maybe it's just an Aro thing."]

[httyddragonfox]

Proof of Sexuality

I've noticed something quite recently (I know, I'm an idiot), but to display someone's sexuality, you usually need some form of proof.

Let us look at two liberal displays of the LGBTQA+: Hellaverse and The Owl House.

To display that Luz was bisexual she displayed interest in both boys and girls, Eda talked about ex-boyfriends and has an old flame in a trans/non-binary person. Other than that we have word of god for the unclear stuff.

In Hellaverse (Hazbin hotel and Helluva boss) we have Moxxie who is married to a woman and has an ex-boyfriend, Blitz is interested in both Moxxie and Millie, having sexual relationships with a man, a childhood guy friend he had a crush on, and an ex-girlfriend. Someone in Hazbin declared Alastor as Ace and he has no interest in sexual relations, and Charlie is a relationship with Vaggie as well as the fact she has an ex-boyfriend.

Why haven't I mentioned Amity and Angeldust, it's because they're freaking obvious. The proof of homosexuals is just not showing interest in the other gender.

When it comes to hetero or homo-sexuals, the identity can be seen very early: Straight is pretty normal and Homosexuals only get crushes on their gender.

When it comes to all the other sexualities that identity gets identified in the teenage and early adult years. Here are a few personal examples:

Asexuality is a distinct lack of proof of striaghtness: For me, it was not understanding the whole sexual feelings thing, and then realizing normal people actually have that. That I discovered in early university.

For Bi-sexuality or Pan-sexuality (very similar) you need proof of liking the other gender or more than one: My friend discovered she was Bi after high-school. I asked her how she knew (She was dating a man who she eventually married, she dated boys in the past), technically I asked her if she was attracted to any girls. She said she found one girl attractive, so I took her word for it.

A classmate I knew of complained on how she wasn't allowed to be gay, but she ended up having a baby and dating guys. I think maybe she didn't know bi was a thing.

As for my grey romanticism: I've had only a few (three) genuine crushes in my life whilst my sister had enough crushes to count with two hands.

In fiction: homosexuals are obvious (only interest in one gender), bisexuals need proof (attraction or exes), other than that you're straight.

Asexuals are hard to label, usually it requires Word of God. Lillith is Aroace, because she never gets a partner and Dana said so, but without Word of God, we don't know she's ace, she might just be married to her work. Alastor is AroAce according to Word of God. Before episode seven of Hazbin Hotel that's all we had, and his distinct lack of sexual interest. That didn't stop the shippers who said, "he might not like sex, but romance isn't off the table." Those who didn't hear word of god must be thinking, "He might not like sex, but he'll do it with the one he loves." In episode seven, Rosie specifically calls him an "Ace in the hole," joking about a relationship with Charlie. So that would mean that sex and romance are off the table, but "she just said ace, not Aro." Word of God, you can't stop the shippers.

Another Word of God instance is Hunter and Willow's sexulaities ("Hunter is Bi and Willow is Pan"). Hunter has only liked one person in his life, and that's Willow, we don't have proof on screen that he had interest in other genders. Willow ever only showed interest in Hunter in the show (Maybe Luz, that's up for debate). People are upset that there is no proof of their Word of God sexualities in the show, because it looks like a straight ship and Dana's placating. Meanwhile, some people are happy with the LGBTQA ship that looks straight because those exist. Others wish to ship their homo ships, others wish to ship Lunter (even though when they met she already had interest in Amity), and other people complain that Huntlow is forced together just to have a straight ship and pair the spares and all their other complaints.

Without the proof of Hunter and Willow liking other genders, they might as well be straight, and that makes people upset. Fanfic writers try to remedy this by writing instances where they realize they like more than one gender, but that just goes to show...

In order to identify as this sexuality, you need the proof of liking what they dictate, or people won't believe the claims.

[stardustdiiving]

I love hearing about queer headcanons so I'll probably end up asking about all of them, but how about starting with Sumeru?

(ask in reference to this post)

YES I can do a few sumeru characters to start (heres Wanderer, Cynonari, Collei, and Nahida)

(there’s accidently aroace headcanons in 3/4 of them OOOPS)

Wanderer: talked about his gender (trans guy) here, sexuality wise I see him as gay and probably mostly t4t. I also have a vision where Wanderer has the same relationship with aro + aceness as Collei but in sort of opposite directions. So my idea is Wanderer feels a lot of alienation & detachment regarding romance & sex & shares a lot of similar experiences to aro and/or ace people, but would choose to not ID as either label because after some time he concludes his relationship with both kinds of attraction is very influenced by trauma, and it would be more healthy for him personally to work on building a positive relationship with romantic + sexual attraction since he does actually experience it. So he sits on a plane of not identifying as aro or ace but like he gets it

Collei: Collei on the other hand, in contrast to Wanderer, finds aro + ace labels really helpful for understanding herself, even if she also believes in her relationship with both kinds of attraction overlapping a lot with trauma. Because for her she genuinely just doesn’t really feel she experiences either attraction and that’s sort of a comfortable default/conclusion for her. Specifically I’d give her the demi aro and asexual labels…in my head this goes with my Tighnari & Cyno headcanons where both of them are in an aroace relationship and give her really good advice/feedback on her feelings that make her feel more able to be confident about how she feels regarding attraction. Along with that I think she’s sort of questioning sexuality labels but would refer to herself as sapphic as a shorthand explanation. Gender wise I have a few different headcanons in mind…either transfem, demigirl, or bigender/genderfluid maybe? I see her as having multiple ideas of what sort of gender presentation she wants and going between them

Tighnari + Cyno: Okay so here I need to pitch my demi-aroace Cynonari vision. I think both Cyno and Tighnari would view their own queerness in ways pretty similar to each other, and one facet of this is where they fall on the aroace spectrum. I think it aligns perfectly where they’re both like, yeah I have no interest in romance or relationships the way people usually engage with them but you’re the only one who gets the exact way I feel about it + we get along well so honestly I’m down to be in our own form of a relationship with you specifically. I don’t think they really do labels with a lot of things: both of them are trans + non binary in one way or another, and both use gay/queer as identifying terms, but don’t have a lot of specifications beyond using umbrella labels really. They’re just chilling. As established this ends up being a good fit for their dynamic with Collei bc I think it gives her a lot more confidence about navigating her own queerness seeing Cynonari just kind of hang out and do their own thing

Nahida: she’s baby and does not strike me as someone who is going to think about romance or sexuality until she’s a lot older. I think if you asked Nahida to explain her gender to you she would probably employ a lot of very confusing metaphors you do not understand, all in an attempt to articulate what I’d write as a pretty shared experience between all the Archons in how they view gender. They seem to like…view themselves as genderless but sometimes opting into gender if they feel like it—and tend to intuitively relate it to their element. Which means the most you get from Nahida’s metaphors is she’s telling you her gender is plant and you do not get it but it doesn’t seem wrong so what can you do. I also have this additional thought I think is funny about Wanderer and Nahida having very deep philosophical discussions about immortal gender at 3 in the morning. In the context of the English language at least I think we need to tell Nahida about neopronouns I think she’d be a fan. So in summary she’s kind of baby and is not giving this stuff much thought right now but also being a god in my gender impact dimension kind of inherently makes you ponder the orb (gender)

[polyamorouscultureis]

hi! i just found your page and i was hoping that maybe i could get some guidance because i haven't seen many people in this predicament and i've scoured the internet. i'm she/her, Z is he/him, and G is he/him. i am currently in a relationship with Z (we've been together for 2 years) and Z and I are both bisexual/biromantic. i met G 6 months ago playing D&D and we've been nearly inseparable since we met, we recently became best friends. G is only into men and so i've wanted a platonic relationship with him for a few months now. i am also asexual. we are all going on a trip to meet each other in a week or so and i brought up the idea to Z of perhaps him and G doing more sexual things and G actually agreed! they are both open to doing nothing, a little bit, a lot, and possibly even a romantic relationship! G and I decided we would be holding hands, kissing on cheeks, laying heads in laps, playing with hair, and all the domestic stuff to make sure i am included during the trip. i am ecstatic over the thought of them becoming more because having G be in my life for longer would be amazing and we would be so much closer to each other (even though we are best friends right now). but G said the other day that if he got in a relationship with Z that the lines between us would be kind of fuzzy in a way. i'm new to polyamory (even though i've identified for years) and i don't know what to define us as? a vee? a closed triad? i'm assuming it's whatever we want to define ourselves as. does triad have to mean that everyone is having sex with each other? i'm especially confused because I am asexual and G and I have the closest relationship that is platonic but not romantic because he is not into women. do you have any advice on going about this or what to possibly call the three of us if this does happen? i don't know if thrupple is the right term either. any advice would be much appreciated and you've found yourself a lifelong follower of your blog! thank you so much!!!

You're absolutely right that you can define it however you want to! To me you sound like a triad, but you could be many things. Labels are weird and the lines between friendship, queerplatonic relationships, and romantic relationships are murky and complicated for almost all of us. Don't be afraid to just do what feels right without labeling it at all.

Also, polyamory and sexuality are entirely different things. People of all sexualities and romantic orientations can be polyamorous - straight, gay, bi, pan, ace, aro, demi, anything. Labels are all just a collection of words to describe experiences and there are no hard and fast rules.

Excited for you, anon!

[aroaceconfessions]

been months since i started questioning. I thought i was het before bc i didn't really stop to think about it, and then one day i remembered ace aro existed and the more i explored the question, the more i felt right to me. Well, i'm still not sure. I might not be ace aro. I'm not completely identifying with that yet, because it's actually hard to know what you are and how you feel about people (but maybe it come easily to others? idk, i don't think so). Maybe i am a late bloomer. But i feel i probably am ace aro.

Truth is, i am not happy with it. When i scroll the tags, i see ace aro positivity and i know very well it's not a bad thing to be acearo and i does not mean my life will be by any mean worse. But i can't help but feel disappointed. I don't want a romantic life, but i want to want it.

I want to want to experience all the lovey dovey stuff, and have a significant other, and feel all the butterflies diarrhea shit in my stomach ; and i don't want a sexuality that a good chunk of the population don't even see as a real sexuality, and i don't want to come out just for people to see me like a child, not able to comprehend adult things, or to tell me "nah you just got to wait for it to happen" (a friend already told me that. She thought you can't know if you don't test. Girl i am touch repulsed and you know it. How tf would i test.)

(That is why i am not out, and i probably won't be for a while. Things are simplier that way. I am a simple person myself, i like simple things.)

And i am very afraid i won't be able to be that alone. I know you can have a QPR and such but still. Currently, i live with my family and i get to see my friends every day. How will it be when i will be alone in my flat with one goldfish and three rocks to keep me company?

I don't know, i probably need to get past the grief. I saw some people with the same problem as me. One day, maybe soon, i will probably come to terms with being ace aro. I know it would be best for me, and i am so much more at ease with that label than with any other. But for now all i can feel about it is unsure and a bit anxious.

anyway my apologies, that is not really a positive message, just rambling. I am just trying to figure shit out and god knows i am bad at that.

Submitted February 12, 2023

[katzkinder]

Idk why but I headcanon lily as aro ace

Ooh, neat! You're about... The third person I know of who also has that headcanon!

Personally, I headcanon that he identifies as pan, but like... He chooses that as his label because he likes the flag colors better lmao. That's it.

I always meant to type up my headcanons for this but never got around to it, so I think now is as good a time as any?

Misono: sex positive ace. Both because I think it suits him and because I like the contrast with my headcanon of Lily, where Lily has sex related trauma that makes him have difficult feelings about being attracted to others. Misono is almost clinical? When talking about that kind of thing. It can be off putting but he genuinely just thinks the scope of human sexuality is a fascinating thing to research

Mahiru: Bisexual, like his uncle, but not particularly aware of it in that he doesn't identify as anything. He's very "yeah that person is hot" and moves on with his day. The type who goes "huh! I guess I am" if you point out he's queer

Speaking of Queer, Mikuni: uses this exclusively. He thinks it's delightful. Like yes, this is perfect, he IS a very strange and odd little man! And that's all you're getting out of him (genuinely, this is all he gives me aside from maybe some flavor of aro. Jackass)

Lawless: Disaster bi with a distinct preference for intimidating women and older men. Licht is actually out of left field for him. Not typically the type he goes for!

Speaking of Licht: Angel. No I do not know what this means anymore than you do. Figure it out.

Kuro: double demi. His attraction hinges on having close emotional bonds with somebody first and it drives him crazy 😭Like he'll just be chilling and everything will be fine and the next thing he knows he's having an epiphany that ohhh god. oh fuck. oh god oh fuck he cannot DEAL. Terrible at flirting unless he's passing it off as a joke btw

Sakuya: *smash bros announcer voice* GAY

Freya: bi lesbian but calls herself lesbian, because that's what she's always called herself and she's not changing. Completely blindsided by the whole lesbian separatist discourse. Frankly disgusted with it. The big bad butch aligned fem in the corner who stands there and intimidates anyone hassling baby queers. She's got that peasantry farmer's wife bod, which means biceps that can crack your skull if you annoy her.

Iduna: doesn't label. She likes what she likes, so there! (does anyone remember this show lol)

Jeje: He's dressed like a priest, so I think it's safe to assume he's a self hating queer. This is only half a joke.

Ildio: You know that chart that's like functional bi, distinguished bi, disaster bi? He's a secret fourth thing: Himbo bi.

Nicco: Wombo Combo of Functional and Distinguished bi.

I'd add pride pair but my read on them is Lacking due to them not really having much in terms of development...

[lazywitchling]

I've identified as ace for about 5 years but for me I don't feel proud about it? I want to...

I'm trans and also ID as bi, so people don't really get how I can be bi and ace... So I don't make a big deal about my asexuality and even when I'm talking about my identity, or anyone is. My asexuality never comes up.

I don't know if you can relate to this at all really but my question is:

How did you come to accept your asexuality? Was it a struggle for you? And do you have any advice for someone that's shunned that part of themself for so long they've no idea how to even think of being proud of it?

Have a great day/night 🌻

Oooooh. Hm. Well this may or may not be helpful, but here we go:

I am currently only functioning with the one label. "Asexual" is my thing! Yay! I have my flag! I find my flag in gifsets and art and buttons and things! Cool! [points at the greyscale-and-purple] Look, it me!

I might be aromantic as well? But I'm less connected with that label, and not really sure if it fits. It probably does? Might not? idk. Either way, I don't see the aro flag and go "It me!" And tbh, that's totally fine. I can have parts of myself that are exciting and that I connect with and that make me proud. And I can have parts that are like "You know, idk, that's not really a big deal to me. It's part of me, sure, but it doesn't really impact me right now."

You don't have to be OUT AND LOUD AND PROUD of every bit of yourself. Some things can just kinda be there.

I don't really make a Big Deal about my sexuality IRL, either. I wear an ace ring because it makes me happy, and because I've found and been found by a few other aces that way. I have an ace flag pin that I made, because it signals others that I am Part Of The Group, Too. I have never really come out in the dramatic sense, never sat anyone down and explained to them my ace-ness. But if they pick up on the symbols I wear, cool! But nbd if they don't.

Most times, my pride is less prideful and more comfortable. Identifying as ace just makes me feel right in my own head and life and how I relate to the world.

The times when I have felt pride is around other people. Participating in covering this website in rainbows during June makes me feel pride, because I'm doing it alongside others. Talking to other aces and swapping urls of etsy shops that sell black rings makes me feel pride, because I've made that connection and found another person like me.

And I'll tell you what, I have never felt more prideful than I did when a friend of mine came to me and told me that she'd recently started identifying as ace, and it's because she had seen me and just how normal I made it just by talking about it. That by watching me, she realized that what she was feeling was normal and actually pretty cool and not wrong or scary at all.

[chef kiss]

I'm giving you a really long answer, I'm sorry 😂

But yeah. Pride is cool. Being comfortable is better. Pride follows that pretty easily. You probably know this better than I do, with your being trans! When you find something that seems to click your soul into place like a puzzle piece, you feel that moment of "Ahhh.... yes, that's right" like a good warm blanket. Flags can come later.

I can expand on the story later, but basically how I accepted my asexuality (after several months of waffling "am I? no. but am I? i mean. nah. but maybe?") was that I essentially said to myself "I am asexual. And that's pretty cool."

[can-of-pringles]

For the pride-themed OC ask game and your X-Men OCs, please: #3, 6, 10; 15, 16& 21.

Thanks!

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

Marigold: When she was younger, she did get small crushes on multiple genders, but tried to ignore it, probably had trouble even identifying she had crushes on girls until she was a bit older and then realized that's what that feeling was. And then when she reached middle school age, obviously the romantic feelings didn't go away, but she realized she experienced them differently than her peers. She just thought she was perhaps a late bloomer (but then was able to figure out she was asexual, maybe she didn't initially know what the label was for it, but she knew she was something [and then found the label and all of that eventually])

Rosie: Since Rosie grew up in a super supportive environment with queer family and parents, she didn't really have to do a lot of questioning. She just knew she liked girls romantically and that was it. And of course, she had her family to rely on for advice or questions.

Aster: She always knew she was different (being autistic and queer) so when she realized she didn't feel any romantic attraction to anyone, she kinda quietly accepted it. She didn't talk about it until she was older (but at least her family didn't usually pressure her about dating or marriage) but when she was older, she had her big sister to talk to it about, to see if she knew specifics. With Marigold's help, she was able to figure out exactly her identity, and realized she was aromantic.

Allison: Since from a young age, Allison knew she was a girl, despite what everyone else saw. She was able to talk to her parents about it (who were supportive) and she saw a therapist specializing in gender identity and that's how her transition journey started. When she found out she was also a lesbian and ace, it didn't phase her too much, because she was already fairly knowledgeable in queerness and queer identity.

Evelynn: She's similar to Aster (being on the aro spectrum), and I have a feeling that the school had at least some resources to help her find out more about that. So she knows she's aroace, ok. But then gender plays a role. She knows she's a girl, but there's something else there, kinda at the back of her mind. She's able to figure that out more later on.

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

Marigold: She takes pride in her labels. It took a lot of self-discovery, so she definitely prefers them.

Rosie: Kinda similar to Marigold, but she's more neutral maybe. Either a label is useful or not, that's what she thinks.

Aster: She thinks most labels are good, but doesn't really talk about them a whole lot?

Allison: A part of her parents being supportive was them always telling her to be proud of her identity and so she's very open about her labels when she can be.

Evelynn: So, she is a demigirl, but that label is considered newer as far as I'm aware. So for a while, she would just explain her gender by saying she was part girl and part genderless. She doesn't mind labels (for her or others)

10. Does your oc celebrate Pride? How?

I have a feeling the school would have pride events during the month. And I'm sure they celebrate the other non-American pride months too (for the international queer students)

15. Do any of your ocs use neopronouns? Which ones?

So far none of my OCs use neopronouns. But maybe one day in the future I could make a new OC that uses them.

16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?

I think Marigold used to be demisexual for like a second but then I just made her asexual. I don't really know why except just making her more like me.

21. Free ramble card wee

Um idk I guess I'm still thinking of that manip and I'm pretty proud of it. And also I slightly regret not joining an OC pride event thing but I don't know if it's too late or not. But idk I'm sure I can find some other pride-related OC stuff to do.

Pride themed oc ask game

[lunar-lair]

busts down the door fuck it. off the cuff gender/sexualities headcanons for the rise boys/whoever else i decide. i havent fully considered these/written these out so it might be a hot mess have fun (its also 1 am this is your warning)

see leos a little Special. surprise trans leo is my fav thing ever so what I like to do is ambs (assigned male by splinter, he didnt know the cloacas were in different areas or to start squinting when leos shell got more concave. no i did not know those facts before surprise trans madness/my egg doc i made a whole cloth new however the fuck you say it reproductive system for this fucking turtle so he and his bunny boyfriend could have kids and i could torture him with sliders being oviparous. thank you less-depresso-more-expresso for your leo egg post in december it changed me fundamentally) -> oh . those are eggs. ok *whistling sound as he continues w his life* -> wait gender is a construct. maybe this is a gift -> genderfluidity slaps the kid in the face when theyre abt 17. also hes gay cause it feels right. so does some form of demisexual or romantic but i have a lot of opinions on how his dating life would go and how it would impact his character (rhinocio gets it if u know them. were besties u see) so i think that woudnt hit until more like 18 or smth like that maybe idk

in much more basic terms. genderfluid gay leo ftw we love a trans leo in this house. this goes whether or not you believe in Egg this kid is not cis mark my goddamn words

raph has always screamed she/he to me as she has to most people. im feeling bi. double bi also feels both very right and very funny his siblings would have a ball w that

if mikey doesnt use neopronouns whats the point. gender is a game and mikey is winning. sexuality is also a game and mikey is Still winning. goes w pan but literally would nebulously date anyone as long as they seemed cool and he liked them well enough. they and leo are shaking hands except leo is hoarding like she, he, they, and maybe a couple other neopronouns meanwhile mikey is like im everything all at once fight me abt it. so nonbinary in the everything kind of way. maybe. i have no idea what the name for this is but i know exactly the kind of vibe im talking abt

and ofc donnie is in the absolute opposite direction. he/they, more nonbinary than anything else. rise apritello star lastknownstatus-alive has allured me with aroflux donnie and considering i know like two things abt the aro and ace label existence im absolutely listening. definitely think hes on that spectrum though, it just fits. think hed look at the sexuality thing and go ...none of these are right. and then forgo it entirely. their sexuality is whoever is hot and whoever they fall in love with die abt it

this is where i say that trans man draxum means everything to me and also that man simply isnt straight nor is he allistic (i mean allo as in like hes definitely on the ace/aro spectrum and i didnt realize until rereading a while later but he is also not allistic tbf)

also splinter is bi i rest my case. pretty normal gender on that rat though, even with the gnc everything

april is so . that gender is so everything. hoarding genders like mikey but less so and also less aggressively. less everything all at once and more somethings sometimes and sometimes not other things. shes a solid inbetween of mikey and leo. my brain clocked bi but i honestly dont know why. help i dont know that many names and also i havent been in love in 4 years idk how the sexuality half of this works

also as a disclaimer we as a system (not in our bio bc Fear) identify as genderfluid (not that i know what the flag looks like . look i keep forgetting to look it up ok) but thats because its easier. a lot of us are sort of genderfluid or use multiple pronouns but remembering those gender experiences is HARD . accordingly any discussion of gender and the experience might be totally fucked bc were only so many genders bc there are so many people in this brain. ok im getting off the stepladder w my megaphone where i make separate points now onto casey

my baby my little guy. think the fam wouldve given him the opportunity to explore that stuff as much as he could in the apocalypse. im feeling he/it. thinks gender is a construct. too busy to find a label. would probably like bigender or genderfluid. kind of like mikey, technically works w pan but would date literally whoever whenever wherever as long as there was a preexisting relationship. dont tell him but hes probably demiromantic

and casey sr!!! my girl my lady! i could go either cis or transgirl on her, or even she/they or she/they/he, she does whatever she wants any day of the week. absolutely a lesbian though thats undisputed. also feeling demiro And demiace

this is your last warning that i sussed half of these out based on vibes Right Now. except for leo theyre on my mind 24/7. and mikey mikey felt patently obvious. same for donnie but only gender wise

ok im done now prommy. may or may not fuck around and make a background + oh yeah! thats me!! style fic for these guys if i feel like it. probably wont come out during pride but hey. you dont stop being gay when june ends yk. either way tada ill come back if i decide i was talking bullshit and correct myself later. bc i usually decide i was talking bullshit eventually lmao. probably partially cause im like 18 its a natural side effect of growth occuring at a faster rate due to my younger age. anyways this has been your twice annually actually long and headcanons/fun filled luna post. ill see you in like, october probably, unless i get ballsy, see you then either way lmao

[redheadbigshoes]

your post made me think about when i was identifying as bi. it was bc knew i was attracted to women, but it still didnt feel 100% comfortably for me, like i always felt there was something missing in my identity. so i went through quite literally, every other label under the sun EXCEPT lesbian, INCLUDING identifying as a straight trans man (turns out i am not a man shocker lol), and i genuinely didnt consider it until i saw a video on comphet. i was completely blinded to it. it was the ONE thing i never even considered until it slapped me across the jaw like that and i went, oh my god. oh my god. i still cant get over it cus the first quarter of my life is just me speeding through every gender & sexuality combo you could imagine in a whirlwind of confusion not understanding why nothing would stick or what was wrong with me until it hit me. i think i was heavily affected by comphet to the point where i was completely blocked out from the idea i could be a lesbian, to the point where i was participating in comphet in a way that to me seemed to fit the "acceptability" bill society wise even if my gender was, while stealth, unacceptable (straight trans man). tbh i am extremely affected still some years after coming out. i still struggle with the feeling like i need to settle down with a man to get what i want & need in life (a family, & stability), or otherwise be with no one because of the way i am diseased by self doubt and the idea i will never satisfy a woman romantically & sexually in a relationship and she will never satisfy me even though i know thats not true, or that no woman will ever want me in the first place.

sorry for the word dump this kinda got away with me, initially when i realised i was a nonbinary lesbian i was ecstatic and carefree for a good few years, but i feel like over the past year esp, comphet (and lesbophobia - the lesbophobia as of late makes me hate myself at times and wish i never realised i was a lesbian in the first place) has really began to affect and jade me again and im struggling a lot.

This is so interesting. You’re the first person I know that tried every other label before figuring out they were actually a lesbian. I relate with you when you said when you identified as bi you still felt there was something missing, deep down I felt that too. I also get it when you say you were so blind by comphet that the lesbian label never went through your head (I said this before, though I didn’t know about the aro/ace label that’s what I thought I was before I even figured I liked women).

It’s so common that feeling that you feel like you need to settle down with a man, even if you know you’re not attracted to them the wish you were is there, because you just want to be accepted by everyone else around you and be considered normal.

You don’t need to apologize for venting, I completely understand you (maybe not the gender identity part), but the isolation and invalidation we feel and face for being a lesbian is totally relatable as another lesbian. I think what hurts the most is to see that invalidation and feeling of isolation coming from other queers.

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Hey giraffe! Saw you reblogged the post about random asks to get to know you better, so I thought I’d ask ☺️ (if it’s too personal, I won’t be offended if you don’t want to answer): When did you realize you were ace/aro, and do you identify with any micro labels?

Thanks for asking! Not offensive at all!

First off, yeah, I do use microlabels. I'm sex-repulsed or apothisexual and romance-indifferent or icularomantic. That basically means I want absolutely nothing to do with sex and wouldn't touch it with a 39 and a half foot pole, but I'm chill with romance. I don't actively seek out a romantic relationship or anything, but I'm not upset or weirded out by the idea of being in a romantic relationship.

I realized I was ace and that I was aro sort of separately, and I don't think I really had a single "AHA!" moment for either.

The first time my orientation really even crossed my mind was my sophomore year of high school when a girl in my orchestra class pulled me aside randomly one day and asked what my sexuality was. I had never had a crush or any sort of feelings for anybody before, but I kind of just assumed it would come at some point. Before that moment, I would have just said I was straight, but something about how she asked the question made me pause and think about it. I eventually told her, "I don't know. I've never felt that way about anyone before."

It kind of went to the back of my mind until my junior year when I started watching Overly Sarcastic Productions on YouTube. One of the main content creators there, Red, is openly asexual. That was the first time I had ever heard the term or heard of someone else who'd never had those feelings, and I found I related to a lot of her experiences. I think, over the course of that year, I slowly started applying the "maybe I'm ace" mindset, and it really did fit. It felt right, and by my senior year, I was just like "yeah, I'm asexual."

The thing is, it wasn't really important enough for me at the time to go digging on everything that meant. I had a word to explain how I felt, and I didn't really feel the need for anything else at the time. It didn't help that my religion is queerphobic (I'm not. Most individuals I know are not, but the policies as a whole are, and it's a thing that drives us all crazy. You can find more information about it on the queerstake or tumblrstake tags). I lived in a very small rural town that was pretty much all that religion too, so between those two things, nobody really learned about queer stuff unless they were queer and went looking or had queer friends who talked about it. And since I wasn't super close with any other queer people at that point and didn't know much about the queer community in general, I wasn't really aware that aromanticism and asexuality were two separate things.

It wasn't until sometime in the summer after I graduated that I was made aware of the distinction. I didn't feel the outright repulsion to romance as I did sex, but I had also never felt romantic attraction and had no desire for a romantic relationship, so I wasn't really sure where I was with that. Like, I knew for sure I was ace, but I didn't know enough about the arospec to really know how I felt about identifying that way. So I adopted "grayromantic" for that period of time.

When I went to college, I suddenly met a LOT of queer people, and was online a lot more. This meant I had the opportunity to be in a community of aspecs for the first time, and I ended out finding a YouTube video that went over the intricacies over the arospec and some of it's microlabels. But I also wasn't out to anybody yet, so I felt like I could take my time coming up with a label that fit me better.

Finally, I got a roommate second semester who was bisexual and who I talked to a lot. Eventually, I had a conversation with her about my aromanticism, and she was like, "Honey, you've never had a fictional crush. You ARE aromantic." And I was like, "Huh. I guess you're right."

So I've been actively identifying as fully aroace for about 5 months now, which is also coincidentally when I started using Tumblr, but I actually just found my microlabels 10 days ago! I made a long rambling post (like I do) about how I experience love, and was given some suggestions by the lovely @aroacemagicstar! So all the thanks to them!

Again, thanks for asking me!

[reverse-queer-dictionary]

Hiya! My sister is interested in using other gender labels apart from female! I’m not super versed in FIN genders (most of the ones I can define off the top of my head are MIN) so I wondered if you could help me out with some labels!

She says her gender is “ I have to deal with being afab (cisgender and uses she/her) but also in the way she guesses femininity.” -more so the idea/ identity of womanhood.

Like she’s okay with feminine/female presentation, but she’s probably more xenic than a lack of/ non-binary term.

She says she could identify more as Xenic or feminine, but not non-binary (more abinary/ gender nonconforming)

She is AroAce- so she doesn’t follow any feminine presentation that coincides with being straight/ sexual/ romantic. She feels she views being a girl as separate since she doesn’t feel any sexuality nor romantic identity.

Thanks so much for labels! She’s pretty chill with her identity but is interested in there being a term with a definition that fits her gender feelings/ presentation.

She also thinks the term genderqueer is close but maybe not exactly a perfect fit label :)

Hello!

Here are some identities I found that sound like they could potentially fit:

Girlqueer - A genderqueer girl/woman

Gender non-conforming - Someone who does not conform to societal expectation of their gender identity

Juxera - Someone who is strongly connected to femalehood/femininity, but in a different way than woman/girls are connected to femalehood/femininity

Neogirl - A gender that is feminine, but in a different way than women/girls are connected to femininity

Xenogirl - Someone who is a xenic girl/woman

Greygender - Someone who has a gender, but it feels weak or is rarely there or feels unimportant

Aroacegender - A gender that is highly influenced by being aroace

Arogender - A gender that is highly influenced by being aro

Acegender - A gender that is highly influenced by being ace

Spinellian - A gender that is both feminine and xenic-aligned, but not female-aligned

Cassgender - Someone who feels their gender is unimportant or is indifferent to the idea of gender

Cassfeminine - Someone who feels their gender is unimportant or is indifferent to their gender, but knows that its feminine

Cassgirl - Someone identifies as a girl/woman, but feels their gender is unimportant or is indifferent to their gender

Tenebrian - A gender that is feminine and xenic

Caligian - A gender that is feminine and undefined

Nebulian - A gender that is feminine, xenic, and undefined

Azurgirl - A masculine girl/woman; a girl/woman that is connected to masculinity in some way

Cerisic - Someone who only feels comfortable describing themself as feminine

Dewgirl - A masculine and/or neutral-presenting girl/woman

Dilkion - An AFAB nonbinary individual whose gender is not female, but is influenced by femininity in some way

[illgiveyouahint]

Had the weirdest dream last night, so my friend of two years came out to me as asexual bi but the thing is I don’t even know what she’s attracted to because I’ve never asked and she’s never really mentioned it (I feel like I just think she’s straight ace but who knows and I don’t really want to ask anyway) because something in the dream happened traumatically to her. I don’t know exact details but I’m not sure if it’s just a projection of how I feel about myself (even though nothing 1/?

sexually traumatic has happened to me and hopefully never will because at times I do feel pretty asexual but there are days where I feel more straight or bi. It just depends really, I’ve just accepted it as is but atm I’m more bi than I’m straight but it goes one way or the other depending on the time of month/year etc. I’d say it also attributes me to being on the spectrum, I just have so many things I want to personally develop on before getting in a relationship it’s kind of shut off 2/?

think I’ve only ever met one or two people who are quite similar in that sense but it’s just an interesting thought is all 3/3

Hello anon,

maybe I'm reading your message wrong, but I just want to firstly point out that you don't have to be sexually traumatized to be ace. Those two things have no correlations. I know plenty of people who have some sort of sexual trauma and are not ace, and plenty of ace friends who are not sexually traumatized. There's no connection between someone's sexuality and someone's sexual experience in general (sorry I just felt the need to clarify that)

Questioning your sexuality is pretty normal, and you really don't have to have it all figured out. I think it's okay to not focus on relationships right now and not know what sexuality you even are. My friend Felix who is aro ace also used to identify as pan. It's actually quite common for people on the aro/ace spectrum to be identifying as bi/pan at first because they're trying to figure out if what they feel towards other people is actually sexual/romantic attraction or not. Also fluctuating between attractions is also quite common. There are times where I feel like I'm attracted to every single woman or man I meet, and then there are months when I don't feel attracted to anyone. Getting to know your own feelings can be quite confusing and hard sometimes. Which is why I think you shouldn't worry about what you are or are not, and just try going with the flow. If you don't want a relationship right now then that's fine, if you at some point find someone you find attractive and want to start a relationship with also fine. All these labels are here to help you. If you feel confusion and feel like you don't fit under any of these labels or are not sure yet then you can just not use them. If you feel like you know you're not allo/cis/het then you can just use the word queer and don't have to explain more if you don't want to. If you feel a connection to some of the labels and feel like they sort of describe you, then use them. I know plenty of bi people and we also all experience our attraction differently. Your experience don't have to line up with everyone else's. Also i can confidently say that in the community most people will not care and will not ask you to define your sexuality/gender anyway, so like yeah just go with the flow and do whatever you feel like, you know.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

[tw internalized aphobia]

hi!

i always felt good about my aroace identity. i always took a lot of pride in it and never struggled with it, but lately i’ve been thinking that it would’ve been better if i just identified as bisexual (i used the bi label before aro and ace). seeing some posts here really made me think that it would be just a lot simpler if i was in fact bi and not aroace.

i know that labels don’t have to be “old” to be legitimate, but i feel that some people online still see it that way? it makes me wish i was one of these labels that are seen as legitimate and real.

do you have any advice to deal with this internalized aphobia? i try to curate my online space as best of my ability but there’s always a voice in my head that keeps coming back saying it’d be better if i was bi instead.

sorry if this is too much information. your blog is a safe space for me i really appreciate your attention to answering asks and helping people. i hope your doing well 🤍

Yeah curating your online experience is definitely a good first step. Make sure you're also making good use of blacklisting options too. The more you see things that reinforce your internalized aphobia the harder it will be to work through that.

The other thing I'd recommend is go out of your way to regularly see and consume positive a-spec stuff. So that can be following blogs, which it sounds like you're already doing, but seeking out videos, checking out community, spaces, etc. I think it's especially really good to just see aces and aros talk about being ace and aro and talk about their own experiences.

Do you know any ace or aro people? Are you friends with any allies? If not, maybe consider joining an ace/aro discord server or something like that. So you have people you can talk to about being aroace.

If you're not already I'd also look into aroace media, there's more rep coming out all the time and some of it's really good. I've personally really enjoyed the Jughead 2015 run from Archie comics, Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger (YA Novel), and The Magnus Archives (Podcast) all of which have a-spec main characters. Alice Oseman is someone else to watch too, she's aroace and has a-spec characters throughout her works. Her book Loveless is specifically about an aroace college student coming to terms with her identity (this could be a bit raw if you're in a similar place), but if you're watching her current show Heartstoppers, Isaac is aroace as well and she's promised there'll be more a-spec content next season.

In general if you're not sure where to look for media, googling lists (such as books with ace characters, podcfasts with aro characters. etc) is usually a pretty effective way to find ace/aro media.

If you're comfortable with it another thing you can consider it pride stuff. If you don't want visible pride stuff around that will out you, maybe you can get a subtle pride art for your phone background or something like that.

Basically you want to connect with your identity, so not just see positive things about but also feel it.

Another thing you can do is some exercises to help yourself think differently. If you can identify the negative thought processes you're having about being aroace, or about it being better to be bi, you can consciously stop them and correct yourself.

So for example if you're thinking 'aroace is a newer coined label and people won't take it serously', you can stop and remind yourself that actually it's a term that has become very widely accepted in a short amount of time, including by most major lgbtq orgs. Or that the people who say that are jerks and their opinion on your identity doesn't really matter (or whatever resonates with you).

And you don't have to do more than that, just a gentle correction and move on with your day.

Another exercise that may help could be something like journaling, where once a week or something you like about the label aroace. So it could be listing things you like about being aroace, it could be things you like the community, things you like about the label itself, it doesn't matter. But that will help get you in the habit of thinking positive things or making positive associations with your label.

So generally speaking it takes time to unlearn internalized oppression. There's no flip you're going to switch and suddenly do better. But usually once you've identified it and you're making an effort, it will usually gradually get better. It's important to give yourself time though and be patient with the process.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[annarendellsa]

my heathers headcanons

it's the way i see them and draw them, you don't have to agree! this is based on both the musical and the movie

CW: mention of suic*de and e*ting disorders (bulimia) as well as various mental illnesses

Heather Duke

• heather duke is aromantic and yes its because she wears green, have you seen her socks in the off broadway musical? /hj

• more seriously, she IS aromantic but it took some time for her to figure out. she is allo but she doesn't label her sexuality, and she was always confused and frustrated to experience sexual attraction but never romantic attraction; she had a hard time accepting this part of herself.

• post heathers: maybe she discovers about non binary identities and asks her girlfriends to test out they/them pronouns on her? idk? aro-agender duke?

• she also struggles with empathy as she is naturally apathic

• and she's putting this image of a cold mean girl because she believes she can only be that given she's aro and ND

• post musical: she had no idea mcnamara actually tried to commit suic*de and when veronica tells her she breaks down in tears and spend a few days writing an apology letter to mcnamara

• post musical: mcnamara helps her to develop her compassion, knowing it's not her fault she's incapable of empathy. she didn't have to forgive her, but they did, and it really motivates duke to become a better person and be as nice as her

• post musical: she sees a doctor! she eventually recovers from her bulimia. veronica and mac are 100% supportive of her recovery, and very proud

• she gets bigger as part of her recovery and learns to embrace it

• duke is very pale with really dark and thick hair and eyebrows, soft features and quite a lot of body hair

• you know the bootleg where duke has blonde hair? when she's on the tv she speaks german and i vibe with german duke now

• duke Cannot say fuck and if someone is prude/innocent/idk it's her. the why are you pulling my dick was just to fluster veronica i think

Heather McNamara

• they use she/they pronouns!! just because. she still identifies as a girl though

• mac is autistic of course, it's like semi canon in the musical

• since she's very tall (movie) she stims while standing like being on the tip of her toes or rocking back and forth and the others can be quite annoyed because she moves a lot but they never snap at her

• post musical: veronica finds her stimming endearing and they know it's safe to stim around her, especially since veronica stims herself

• post musical: mac hums as a stim too and you can often find macnamawyer snuggling on the floor while humming in harmonies together

• she used to mask a LOT and it played a big part in her depression. she knows they had to stop themselves from stimming when she was a heather, she had been the weird kid in middle school but now that chandler took her under her wing, she has to pretend to be NT in order to stay in the lifeboat (😭)

• she's a lesbian!! of course she is

• she knows it since she is in middle school and has been """gal pals"""" with chandler since them but she still struggles with it she has comphet yk, but still less than chandler

• chanamara definitely practiced kissing together "to be ready when we'll have to kiss boys" 👀👀👀

• chandler always had a soft spot for mac and tried to hide it by being cruel to duke

• post musical: it took mac some time to understand that duke had nothing against her personally. she was chill with them until chandler died. from that moment she had to prove herself as the new queen bee and mac was a collateral victim

• duke definetely gave her trauma though and mac is in the process of trusting her again

• mac themselves is not a cinnamon roll just yet and she still has to make up for what they've done to others

• mcnamara has nicknames like mcNcheese or macaroni (veronica came up with those)

• they're also a vegetarian and she loves yellow food

• like she ever only eats yellow food actually (autistic thing). that girl is deficient! part of why she looks that fragile and thin

• also i see mcnamara as mixed race with golden/light brown skin and they have this type of curly curly hair but she straightens it all the time so it's only just wavy (once again, to blend in with the heathers)

• her natural hair colour is actually a dark strawberry blonde? her dad is irish and he's a redhead that's why (stole this from @cam-eats-candles hehe) but she dyes it so it's lighter

• post musical: she starts wearing her natural hair!! and goes with her mom to the afro hairdresser to start to get her curls done right (cornrows mac!!)

• their parents divorced (movie) and it's for the best. mac has daddy issues and only goes to her dad to get cute jewellery for their girlfriends 💖 (he doesn't just sell engagement rings. a lot of regular expensive rings, really)

• she's not a baby, she's not weak nor completely innocent and pure!! the girl is a head cheerleader, she's strong and flexible as hell.

Heather Chandler

• heather chandler is Also a lesbian BUT she is on the ace spectrum like demisexual? so yeah she's double disgusted when she "sleeps" with men

• as a queen bee she's also convinced that the only way to exist is through male validation :(

• chandler is taller than duke and veronica but shorter than mac

• chandler's skin is like rosy and it freckles very easily. i see her with the same cloudylike hair she has in the movie, dark blonde, with the red scrunchie only holding back some of her hair

• she is Buff and is genuinely into sports (lesbian jock like regina george)

• she has a sharp hourglass shape her shoulders are broad and her legs long and strong. she could lift veronica against a wall easily. and she did

Veronica Sawyer

• ADHD!! she's been diagnosed for a while but only became medicated post musical

• bisexual!! so bisexual!! without a preference. she's always been open and proud about it and her parents are supportive

• for me veronica is brown, with thick and dark hair and dark brown eyes, midsize, average height

Martha Dunnstock

• that's canon i know, but she's fat, and not the socially acceptable-hourglass kind of fat. big arms! big tummy! double chin! (i see fanart of her just being chubby quite often and it's ANNOYING like that's a big part of her character)

• she's perfectly healthy like this as are many fat people :))

• i also like the hc that her attempt at sewer slide made her permanently disabled and that she keeps using a wheelchair! because it happens, it's important to show it, and it gives me a lot of ideas for cute kindergarten girlfriends prompts 💓💓

• of course realistically being fat AND physically disabled in the 80's was and is not an easy thing to go through but it's in my head so

• she's also a tiny bit taller than veronica

• i don't hate the outfit she wears in the off broadway show, but I like her west end outfit better!! it's a lot more 80's inspired and i totally see her in kidcore/clowncore etc, even if pastels are cool too

• in the current west end version, martha is played by a black woman and she looks amazing! however I've been drawing and imagining martha as east/south east asian, for no reason really?? also idk kinda rubs me the wrong way that in the more official versions of heathers it's always duke that is black, or martha? not the others? hmm

• i'm not comfortable with hcs that exclusively babyfy her or patronise her like a bunny rabbit just bc she's a fat outcast who likes unicorns!! she's not just cute and giggly! martha can and does swear and she Fucks, like mcnamara

• big round glasses + big nose + long brown hair

• taking inspiration from the princess bride line but she's a huge movie nerd. yes she loves happy endings but she also loves horror movies, as long as they have a happy ending

• she never gets a makeover omg y'all just hate people with glasses and a childish aesthetic istg

• she takes this aesthetic further though and

• post musical and high school: she doesn't just wear baggy clothes anymore as she only did that to prevent more bullying. she develops an unique style with a lot of pink and glitter and she's awesome

------

ok this is getting long ill probably do more!! tell me what you think <3