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12conatusezine · 2 years

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They say love is like a rose that has its own beauty that stands out, but for me, love is patient and it always takes time.

On January 14th, 2020, I had this conversation with this guy. A passionate, approachable, family-oriented, God-fearing guy who is dedicated to his future and dreams in life. Little does he know I’m slowly falling after a week of our continued conversation. On February 14th, 2020, he gave me a blue rose with a letter and confessed his feelings towards me. We talk. We got to know each other. He passed the PMA examination, fixed all the papers that he needed, and had his physical test and medical in Baguio City.

Finally, he travels to Baguio to pursue his PMA studies. He is now a 4th class cadet in PMA. He gave me the assurance that, after he finishes his studies in PMA, he will do all that he promised for me. He told me to wait four years for him. And I said, "I will."

The process of waiting is not easy, but I always see the beauty in it. We didn’t have constant communication wherein I can say that he was always safe there. I don’t know what happened to him, but if he got a chance to chat me just a quick update once a month, that makes me happy

While waiting for him, I had peace of mind and I also focused on my studies.

On February 6th, 2022, out of nowhere, he left me a message wherein he said that we should stop everything between us because his feelings towards me were gone. I know the path that he chose, and it’s not easy.

He’s always busy, and I respect his decision. As he continues to move forward to achieve his dream in life, to become an Army. I’m always proud of him, pray for him, and always admire him from afar.

Love is a universal language where letting go of a person you love is also a part of it. Accepting that I and him are no longer together, but once upon a time, he became my home.

- Gorospe, Issiah Clarisse

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Do you have any regrets in the past? Do you ever wish you could turn back time and start all over again? Longing for those vivid nostalgias that would remain as a memory. Well, I do, and it haunts me every time I gaze upon the starry night.

It was the lukewarm dawn of mid-September. I was aroused by dimmed voices of despair coming from the living room. In a split second, I already imagined what had happened, and I cursed myself for that, but every step I took made my heart beat even louder .

I saw my father shed tears while holding the phone. He looked at me with weepy eyes as mom grasped him in her arms. "She's gone, nak." He said, and I could feel my knees shiver. My world sank, and all the stars in my universe had collapsed from greater heights.

The entire day went dreadful, and regrets from the past creep on me like a streak of lighting. "Let's eat," my sister said, but I just clenched the spoon and couldn't bear to shove the food into my mouth. I was still astounded and obscured myself from the rest.

A week had passed and I saw my uncle putting away her clothes and belongings. I tampered and turned to go elsewhere since my eyes were near to crying. "Always follow your dream, my love," her melodic voice echoed through my mind. The day she passed away made me restless and anxious.

I couldn't believe it until recently that both of my grandparents died in the same month and year. After Grandma's death, Grandpa abandoned us. They stood as my biggest supporters and defenders. They both see my infirmity and capabilities, and their presence haunts me till now.

December 2021. We've celebrated the holidays with anguish, and I grieved to see them once more in this lifetime. Currently, I'm still in the course of healing and accepting the fact that all of us are bound to depart from this world. And that guilt from our past decision will be a trace of what we choose to become. But this time, I'm going to choose happiness. Rather than holding onto regrets and suffering, I'll choose to let go. As a result, the stars in my universe will once again begin to orbit, brighter than before.

- Liganad, Pearleen Mae

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Have you ever had doubts about your own worth? You're striving to improve yourself and trying to look cheerful, but your heart is heavy with despair. I am one of those people who is frequently asked what I can contribute to my family. What makes my life meaningful?

I felt a shiver at about 10:00 p.m. in my room. I stretch out on the comfortable bed with a pillow and turn on some music, but you'll be surprised to see that my tears are already streaming down my face. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I was filled with a plethora of questions. I frequently find myself comparing myself to others and asking, "What about me?" Why weren't others having the same feelings as I was? Why are they able to do things that I am unable to? Why am I still alive while a significant part of my life is missing? I don't have to compare myself to other people, yet I do it all the time. Many of us lose faith in ourselves and wonder what we're missing in our lives. What makes our lives meaningful?

I'll be attending an online class on February 9, 2022. Another day, another struggle I will face, I usually tell myself when I get up in the morning. I'm going to disregard how I'm feeling. People who know me knows that I am a cheerful person who is constantly happy, but what they don't realize is that I have difficulties that I prefer to ignore. I understand that we are all unique, and that we don't need to compare ourselves to others. We have skills to do things that others can't. It's like you're crazy after you cry, you laugh. That's what happens to me no matter how joyful I am. I also experience despair and suffering that I don't express.

You know, life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and you choose to be joyful, but your heart is filled with worry and anxiety. While sipping hot coffee and munching soft bread, my eyes were awakened that day. I discovered that my life was incredibly significant. I also have a reason for remaining alive, which is to realize my life goals. I became closer to God and to him, I asked for strength and trust that my family did not show much. Even my relatives say, "Oh, Kenneth, you should imitate your older brother." You should do that. It seems that they control yourself, and there are also times when it seems that your identity as a person is no longer yours. When you are forced to do the thing you shouldn't do, and that's what I regret, and during those days I was looking for a puzzle that was missing so that I could form myself or a personality because it was no longer me. There is really something we don't understand, like you are doing everything you can to get a high grade but still can't match your family's standard.

Way back in my elementary days, because I was not an outstanding student, I did not get the opportunity to go across the stage and receive a medal. At the moment, I was going through a bad time since I knew I was giving it my all, but it wasn't enough. I improved even more as I progressed through high school, but even if no one believes me, you will see that it is worth it. I'm gradually seeing and answering the questions that have been bothering me.

From all of my experiences, I've learnt that no matter how difficult life is, no matter what other hardships you encounter, you can conquer them. In fact, the more I got to know myself, the more I became focused on my goals and why I was doing it. Now that I'm ready for the next chapter of my life, I'm going to believe in myself even more. I will not compare myself to others because I know who I am and that is the most important thing.

Gradually, I began to believe in myself, and I grew more and more confident in my dream. My life has taken on new significance as a result of this. I have become more focused on my core values, and can genuinely say that believing in oneself makes life more meaningful.

- Sanchesz, Kenneth Jay

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“You can’t bring him back.” A phrase that I couldn’t get my mind off as I stared at the ceiling while lying in my cold bed. It was like the moment that I lost him, was the moment I realized all the things that he couldn’t be there for. The things where I just need my father for.

The thought of not seeing him ever again never entered my mind even once and I have to admit that although my father was far from perfect, I’m still good enough knowing that he is my father. He had his own flaws and his own battles. He even made a mistake that almost broke our family but I still didn’t think any less of him. He was still the best father that I could ever ask for and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Call me a biased person but allow me to tell you this. My father had the best sense of humor. When I was a child, he would fix my hair in pig tails although he was bad at it, kiss my cheeks as if I’m the fluffiest pillow in the world, buy me things that would piss my mother off and bring me everywhere that he’d go. I felt genuinely happy and “together” whenever I’m with him.

18th of October, 2015. It was the day before my 11th birthday. It was the day he passed away. Seeing my fathers’ dead body lying on our bed, watching my mother cry in front of me, telling me that my father is dead was too much and too arduous for my 10 year old heart.

When I was in 6th grade, there’d be times that I couldn’t help but feel jealous whenever I’d see a child hugging her father or see the fathers of my classmates fetch them after class. There would also be moments where I’d dream about my father then end up crying when I wake up.

It’s true when they say, “Time heals all wounds.” Death of a loved one causes us pain in a way that no one could tell when you’ll be fine again. No amount of “you’ll be okay” can make you feel better. It would be a long healing process that we have to go through.

To be honest, the first two years were painful for my family as we had a hard time to adjust. There would be random moments where I’d pray and ask God why and tell him that I’m disappointed with everything that’s happened. It was not until last month, February when three of us; namely, me, my mother and sister were talking about life and suddenly opened up the topic about our papa’s death. It was very heartwarming to hear their thoughts about it but what occupied my mind the most was my sisters’ realization about it. She told us that, had it not been for papa’s death, this would not have happened. After that talk, as I laid down on my bed that night, I thought about that phrase over and over again, trying to absorb it until I came up with this beautiful realization. Had it not been for my father’s death,

I would not have had the time to deepen my relationship with God and my family aside from my father. I get to see how loving and caring both my sister and mother are. Through that painful experience, God came through. He showed me that He was faithful and sufficient.

He showed me that He could be trusted. I know that sometimes, painful things that happen to us may look like as if it doesn’t make sense in the beginning but we must remember that somehow, in the midst of those, by the grace of God, his faithfulness will always prevail.

- Zerrudo, Kyla Celine

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The grass is greener on the other side—we see for it but not vividly enough. Sometimes we ignore things that appear in our own eyes, our perspectives are focusing on what is present to us. In fact, there's a much greater view, we just need to pan ourselves and look closely at it.

March 22, 2021. The Semester break is over. It was my first day in an online class. I'm so excited to introduce myself to my classmates and interact with them virtually. At first, I took a shower earlier that morning. I noticed something why some aren't opening their cameras and then I realized maybe they aren't as productive as I am nor it is what it is in an online conference. It's up to me to adapt in this situation. Everything's different the way I visualize learning amidst the pandemic; it enlightens me in differentiating the two modalities. I'm not sure what the reason is but the only thing that I'm certain of is that I'm jumping out of my comfort zone. Maybe this is just part of taking responsibility; I just need to be committed in every decision I make and consistent enough to finish what I started. "Why did you shift modality?" Camille, one of my modular classmates asked me. "I don't feel that being modular makes me swim deep into the ocean." I distinctly responded. "What do you mean?" She asked me again. "I need to know how deep it is." I sighed and gave her gratitude.

July 3, 2021. The last day of the semester. Camaraderie was built across the ups and downs of my experiences as an online student. We may be divided as we fall—but we're united as we stand. I have a zeal and a strong confidence to overcome everything towards my path.

Although I still missed my classmates from (HUMSS 13 De Saussure) sir Dagum's advisory class. I may not remember all of their names but I'll never forget how they made me feel. The memories we made in academics will always be in my heart.

Acquaintances are like money, they come and go; even in unexpected moments. The time we invested on them is worth spending. A treasure hunt full of adventures—an odyssey of pursuing felicity. Everything that goes makes me come and everything that comes eventually goes.

Henceforth, all the people that'd been a lesson I learned, I'm sincerely grateful for having you all in my life and to those people who remain faithful by showing me to not only look at the bright side—but always look at the brighter side of life.

- Po, John Kyper

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Do you know what it's like to feel as if no one believes in you? Even your own family can’t support you, and you come to the point where you also start doubting yourself? They often say that family will always boost your motivation and support you. Well, I think not in my situation. I am living my life in chains.

It was a typical day to commence the first day of February, and as usual, I woke up early. The breeze was gentle like a butterfly, and I smiled as the sun happily greeted me this morning. The trees are dancing as beauties in this light that colors my skin so tenderly. They move in perfect sync, orchestrated by the wind. They are the heart and soul of this early summer morning, and I wonder how many different shades of green my eyes are seeing. As they extend upwards and outwards into the light, taking in rays as clean as rain, I reach my arms up, fingers stretched toward the sun, and gently begin to dance. After mesmerizing the beauty of my morning, I showered and dressed up before attending my online classes so that I would look as fresh as a daisy. Everything turned out pretty well, despite the fact that I was as busy as a bee earlier due to the activities assigned to us by our teacher. However, I'm glad I was able to share my goals and dreams with my classmates. Later that day, at 3 p.m., I was enjoying my creamy, delectable, and delicious chicken noodle soup when I heard the "ting" sound coming from my phone, notifying me that I had a message. I opened it, and it was a chat from my friend asking me if I would take an exam for MSU SASE and what course would I take? I stared at it for a moment and thought about it because I still haven't discussed this with my parents. It took me a while to have the courage to finally ask my parents. "Pa, should I try and take an exam at MSU?" I asked my father, who's busy doing some paperwork. He paused for a while and looked at me. There were five minutes of deafening silence before he responded to me. "Why? What course would you take? " He asked me. "BS Tourism because I want to be a flight attendant someday," I replied to him with glee, but he seemed to be not happy with it.

His expression was enough for me to conclude that our conversation would lead to an argument and that this, I thought, would be the beginning of the end. And so, I was right. We argued for like an hour, and my mom and brothers also joined the discussion. All of them were against my decision. I didn't say anything; I'm as silent as the grave. They don't want me to be an FA because they say I'm not capable of it and "I can't do it." And with those four words, my happiness died. My breath hitched, and I was frozen still the moment I heard that. Their words were like the sting of a bee to me. Like venom, it spreads so quickly throughout my body that even breathing is difficult for me to do. It hurts like hell. I felt like sharp knives were piercing my heart, especially since they came from my own family, my loved ones. I was completely destroyed. Despite the fact that I was already crying on the inside, I still managed to put on a phony grin to hide my pain. When I couldn't contain my feelings any longer, I got up and ran like the wind. I must confess that in my quest, I felt depressed and restless. At that moment, I was so sad that I was drowning in tears already. I cried all my pain and anger. And that's also the time when I made up my mind that I would not give up. I will follow my instincts and change tack, and I'll do everything to prove them wrong. I will focus on my goals, improve my studies, and I will not stop encouraging my parents to allow me to take the course that I want. Life is a barren field, frozen with snow. I know that I'll face a lot of challenges in the future, but I'll still pursue my dreams no matter what. All I have to do is to believe in myself because, according to Christian D. Larson, "Believe in yourself and all that you are." "Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

- Cordova, Criselle Joy

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Respect and acceptance, things that all LGBTQ community members seek for. The feeling of being degraded, bullied and invalidated are just some of the burdens we LGBTQ members carry on our backs.

26th of February 2022, 3:50 pm. Preparing myself for my friends 18 birthday party at Paseo de Morales. Putting makeup on, snatching my nose line, looking like a doll, what a nice way to start a day. Confidently showcasing myself to our neighbors as I wait for my friend that moves like a snail. The vanilla scent in my perfume makes me more alluring.

5:10 pm, we arrived at the venue. Astonished by the decorations, tables everywhere, and a well decorated center stage. Standing, I can see eyes on me. I began to doubt myself, do I look hideous? Does my outfit don't match the dress code? Those are the questions I ask myself as I saw eyes staring at me. Out of no where, I came realize that it is because I am a gay, it is because the way I move and speak, and it is because I dress differently among other boys.

At 10:15 pm, the events ended. My friends and I stayed behind for an after party. Enjoying the moment we have, dancing, laughing, and singing. Jaws began to lock due to non stop laughter. In a cool small room we made memories we will always remember. 12:30 am, everyone decided to go out to get the cake left so that we could satisfy our craving. The cake is on a table where my friend's uncles are drinking. Everyone is too timid to take the cake.

Building my confidence, I try to get the cake and abruptly my friend's uncle stops me as he utter foul words to me. It seems that the sky falls on me as I hear the words he says. Slowly walks backward as my confidence drains like a cellphones battery. My eyes that are lively and looking straight start to go down and feels like my fire was extinguished. I suddenly became silent and came to realize that in this time where people start to respect and accept LGBTQ community there are still few that do not respect and accept LGBTQ members while they don't know the struggles every LGBTQ members go through just to show that we are worthy of acceptance and respect.

- Rizala, James

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What it’s like to be plus sized? I was not chubby or fat when I was a kid. I was normal. I was normal because back then I couldn't feel the glaring and heavy gazes of the people around me. Strolling around different places is not my thing. I can feel the judgment of other people. Their eyes are like knives, their eyes bore into me making me feel edgy, feeling like I was drowning and my legs are chained not being able to breathe. I know some of them don’t even care if I was there. It’s just the insecurities sneaking up to me. Like trees that are spreading their roots restraining my body until they suffocate me. Sometimes staring into space without thinking about anything makes me feel better.

There is no pressure that’s going “drip, drip” that will never stop. Thinking about nothing gives me peace. The peace that I always longed for because of the constant mocking of the insecurities inside my head. I was living my life in chains. I’m an awkward, chubby girl. That title will always stick to me and it will never go away, because of that I am drowning in a sea of sadness. It will never go away because of the constant reminders of the people around me. Always being compared to other girls. I tried all my might to smile and not cry.

Going on a vacation or meeting relatives and other people is like a curse. They always greet you with “Wow, you’re so big already”; “Are you exercising enough?”, “You should lose weight”. Smiling as if those words never hurt me. They had just met me and I was greeted by one of my insecurities. I was going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I was always on the receiving end of jokes from people because we are funny and the world considers us a joke. The loud silence of night keeps me awake, making me think about how cruel the world is. Taking every willpower that I have to defend myself from the criticism of the world because I just weighed more than humanity deems acceptable. I can’t say I disagree with what they’re saying. They should know that we are much more than our weight.

I’m not pretty, I admit. And that didn’t make anything better. Being accused of celebrating eating a lot of food or gaining a lot of weight made a hole in my heart. I know that health is important but demeaning someone doesn’t justify their health advice. I am still hoping that they can understand. Every cloud has a silver lining.

I’m doing my best to be healthy but I’m already being judged by someone who doesn’t know the behind the scene. I usually feel blue when I think about it. Health isn't just about organs and body weight. My mind is exhausted with the words that come out of people’s mouths. I am always crying my eyes out because of it. Our minds are fragile, they can easily break and give up. Our mental health requires just as much attention as physical health.

My body sometimes gives up, I’m down in the dumps because of the weight of judgmental gazes and words. My body gave up because it couldn't hold on any longer. A rock can withstand anything but it can still break. I’m tired, they should realize that I can get tired and I need a break from all of it. With a heavy heart, I wrote this piece.

I already have insecurities and a twisted perspective. I took everything very hard. Why should I care about other people’s opinions? Now I realized everything, I will never leave my heart and mind knocked sideways. I know I’m beautiful. I am beautiful, and that will help me fight the demons that have been affecting me for a long time. Now I’m ready to leave those negative thoughts in my mind. It's my body and I will understand “me”. People will have to change my mind if they judge me. I won’t let it bother me. I don’t need to be skinny and lovely because I will love myself.

- Montederamos, Nica

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Every time I see lean, good-looking girls, I am puzzled. I'm puzzled how it feels to be that attractive... I am puzzled about how it feels to fit in the body standards of beauty ... I am puzzled if people would perceive me as beautiful if I was skinny. But mostly, I am very puzzled as I popped the question in my head "will the people treat me better if I was not fat as a beached whale?" and just like what the famous song of Conan Gray says, "I really wish I were Heather."

Gloomy Evening of December 31, my family gathered together with my aunts, uncles, and cousins as we celebrated the Diamond jubilee of our matriarch's sibling and welcomed another year. Our laughter and chatters echoed on the four corners of their humble abode. It was such a pleasant night indeed and when the clock strikes 12, we've all greeted each other in harmony to the loud bangs of the fireworks. Minutes after we started eating like we are in a feast with various delicacies, serve to us. The smokey fragrance of the heated carbonara pasta stands in stark contrast with the creaminess of the melted cream cheese and grilled bacon, as well as the aromas of the spices like black pepper lingered into my nose. This has caused my mouth to water and my stomach to womble. I've got a bowl full of carbonara for it looks so flavorsome and luscious.

I was enjoying my mouth-watering carbonara when I suddenly felt the urge to pee, so I excused myself and find my way to the CR. I was about to walk into the kitchen when I heard the whispers of 2 people. I was curious so I tried to eavesdrop and the famous saying "Curiosity kills the cat" was really right because at that very moment I heard a very heart-shattering line. "Mimi looks hefty, I think she is much bigger than her mother. It looks like she was marooned in the kitchen." My aunty voiced out to my other aunty. My aunty agreed and replied, "Tata is pretty though I really don't know what happened to Mimi. Maybe, if she'll lose weight at least she'll look good enough." These were the exact lines that scared my 13-year-old heart. I dozed to sleep that night with the noxious air of melancholy surrounding me.

Years and years passed by, but those words didn't leave my system and I was also put through the winger many times because of my weight. My confidence crumbled... My sunny days turned into rainy days... and the once confident and bubbly child became so distant and lonesome. It also alters the way I envisage myself to a point that if someone compliments me, I'll think of it as a sham, mockery, or joke. Not until quarantine had happened. It became my port in a storm, it helped to build little by little the confidence to socialize with people again. I always remember this specific paragraph from the book that I have read "Expectations, assumptions, and judgments are siblings. They almost have the same counter to tell, we just need to look on all sides." It tells me that I should accept all the counters in this life, open-minded and open arms, and take it as a form of challenge for a better tomorrow and next. Some may see me as a confident woman but they don't know what kind of demon withstand. It was the demon of my past... a demon molded by insecurities... a demon in which only I can defeat.

- Maputol, Shiela May

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Have you ever been blamed for doing such a thing? For making the decision you never thought you would ever do. For breaking someone's heart unintentionally.

Nowadays, some people believe that they are the only ones who are suffering simply because they are the ones who have been left behind. When there is someone who understands the agony, who feels responsible for making such a decision, who doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay as well, who is leaving for the better. Way back 2021, month of November, I woke up early in the morning to start my day because I had classes. I felt drained and stressed already for everything. There was a lot of stuff in my mind at that time, including the decision I had been thinking about for weeks. I never imagined I'd be in a position where I'd have to break the heart of the man I'd been in love with for almost two years. I built memories with this man. He was the man with whom I shared my joys, sorrows, and even my darkest secrets. I assumed he was "the one." He's the man I believed I'd spend the rest of my life with.

On a November night, I finally did something I had been thinking about for weeks. My relationship with him came to an end via chat. We did not have a label; therefore, we were essentially in a "No-Label-Relationship." I've been teased for staying in a relationship like that, but it was not the reason I stopped it. It was because I no longer have feelings for him. I tried my hardest to fall in love with him again, but I guess you can't force yourself to do so. There were other promises that were not kept. I don't want to leave him, but I have no choice. I don’t want to stay with someone I don’t love anymore. I had the impression that we needed to set each other free.

That night, as I was explaining everything to him, I burst into tears. All of the harsh words he spoke to me were accepted. Even though we didn't have a label for our relationship, it was difficult for me to discontinue it. I understand that he was suffering, but he isn't the only one. Despite this, he requested a chance, and I agreed to give him a week to prove himself. He proves himself after a week, but I still have no feelings for him. I told him we weren't meant to be together. Although I felt awful about shoving him away, no one believed me. November 28, 2021, he stopped contacting me. I remember the first time he messaged me, which was on November 28, 2019, exactly two years.

I believed I'd be free after everything was over, but I was mistaken. People began to blame me for abandoning him. "Am I selfish?" I began to question myself. Why can't anyone understand what I'm going through? Why does this society think that the only person to blame is the one who left? Is it selfish when you only want freedom? Is it bad to know your worth? After that experience, I learned that no matter what decision I make, people will always have something to say, no matter how many times I explain myself. All I need to do now is to concentrate on myself. What matters is that I know I did what I had to. I took the steps that will set me free.

I've finally realized what I'm worth. I set a high standard for myself. I'll never lower my standards for anyone else. I'd rather be single than settle less than I deserve. My past has taught me a lot. When I invest my heart again, I'll make certain that it will last and that it will be good for the both of us. I'll offer my heart to a man who will love me more than I love him. The man who will not only love me but will also be consistent in his actions towards me. Because love without consistency will not make me stay.

- Iñego, Junella

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