#my brain needs to be studied why did i write a novel

[shysuccubusstuff]

Helping Hand

Content: Non proof-reader; Android! Caleb + Overstimulation + Fake cum + Size difference + Dacryphilia + Praise kink + Aftercare

Summary: You chose to buy one of those new androids in the market, after all, with the little time you had, it was logical for you to get one! But after your birthday party, you can't help but feel like something has changed within Caleb...

Note: I'm finally done with exams but now my brain is dry... On another note, I have to keep on writing my novel! It has nothing to do with my usual work here, but I really should keep on writing cause I have so much ideas for cool characters! Wish I could draw them... I hope people get the ideas of how Android! Caleb lower half works...

Note 2: I just put some fake nails and writing has become so difficult... Had to use two pens towards the end...

Android! Caleb who opens his eyes and encounters your face. He was programmed to be cold, always following the orders of the person who bought him. At least, that was what he had learnt, as you soon rebooted his whole system, changing his personality to a softer and more "human" one. He is still quite confused, why would he need to have a personality for serving a human? Still, he couldn't help but feel a strange rush of electricity run through his system, maybe he had a strange type of malfunction?

Android! Caleb who becomes accustomed to taking care of you. He is always close to you, always waiting by the door of the house a few minutes before your arrival, food still warm and waiting for you to eat, the house completely in order from him cleaning it... Gosh, you could even feel all the tension leaving your body as soon as you entered your house. You allowed him to carry you to the bathroom, head resting against his soft chest as you let him undress you, letting your clothes carefully folded as he helped you get inside the lukewarm bath.

Android! Caleb who becomes your only caretaker. It took him less than a few days to get completely used to your body language, knowing exactly what you wanted, when you wanted it and even how you wanted it. He was basically reading your mind, always one step ahead, letting you rest your exhausted body on his bigger body, his soft hands caressing your hair as his mechanic heart kept pumping the blue liquid all over his system. You knew you shouldn't get so attached to him, but how were you supposed to stop yourself from it when he knew you like the palm of his hand?...

Android! Caleb who receives a strange update. It had recently been your birthday, so you decided to make a small party, nothing big, really. You invited a few of your friends from work, together with some other friends from when you were still studying, organising a small party at your house for all of you to drink and have fun while watching some low-quality films. It was around 3:00 when you started to feel your eyelids dropping, with your friends too focused on the climax of the film for them to notice, you chose to simply fall asleep in the cozy sofa, surely someone would wake you up sooner or later, right?

Android! Caleb who becomes much more... domestic. You didn't notice the first few days, still unaware of the strange update your friends had added as a "gift" for you. Yes, it was a bit strange for Caleb to always greet you with a hug and a kiss on your forehead, but hey, maybe it was something that they had added in one of the millions of updates Caleb had, maybe some client had complained about them being too stiff? Whatever, it wasn't as if you were particularly concerned about it, in fact, you did like it a bit...

Android! Caleb who finally puts his update to good use. It was late at night when you suddenly felt the urge to do it. It wasn't something particularly strange, with you being alone most of the time and all the stuff you liked reading and listening... What was strange was the moment the door to your bedroom was knocked. You quickly hid your naked lower half with the sheets trying your best to get your phone to hide the content you were seeing. "Caleb?" You whispered, heart beating rapidly in fear of having been discovered by him. "Pips? I'm sorry for disturbing you so late at night, but my systems have warned me that my owner, that is you, is currently in need of my assistance." You furrowed your brows, slightly confused about what was he even implying, still, you knew Caleb was unable to cause any harm to you, so you simply sighed, letting him enter without much thought. "So what was wrong, Caleb?" Caleb smiled, sitting close to you and petting your hear with his rough hands. "My system told me you needed my help, do you need it? I have been upgraded with the latest system, allowing me to help you in this kind of delicate activity." Still confused, you simply nodded, after all, the system tended to be right. As soon as you did so, Caleb removed the sheets that were covering your body, his huge hands lifting your legs with ease, getting them closer to your face, just enough for your slick pussy to be in front of his face.

"Caleb! Just-- Just what are you doing?" You tried your best to get him to let go of your ankles, squirming around with not much luck, with Caleb still retaining his sweet smile.

"I'm fulfilling my new tasks, you allowed me to do so." Caleb's arm moved, changing his grip on your thigs to keeping your body in position with just his arm. "Now, no more moving, pips, I need you to remain calm so I can help you appropietly." Caleb's tongue stick out, this time looking slightly longer than usual, his right hand making his way to your entrance as his mouth got closer to your clit.

"Wa--Wait a second! I'm pretty sure this was NOT included when I bought your model--!" Caleb stopped for a second, his expressions remaining as sweet as always.

"It wasn't. Your friends added it to my program in hopes of making you happier, they explained it to me and I agreed. I believed it would truly help you destress. I hope I will actually ." Caleb moved closer, spreading soft kisses all over your lower tummy, making a small path towards your pussy. At the same time, his hands started to glide towards your entrance, teasing it with his fingers by simply gliding up and down on it but never actually inserting them, simply coating his fingers with your lewd fluids. "Let me know if you feel any discomfort." Caleb's mouth slowly got closer, wet kisses being left around your clit as a way to tease your sensitivity, being unable to not smile after seeing your back arch from the sudden touch. Following the set procedure, Caleb slowly entered one of his fingers, circling your clit with the tip of his tongue and making you cling to the sheets, soft whimpers leaving your mouth even despite you tried to cover your mouth with your hands as a way to avoid letting even more shameful sounds escape. Suddenly, one of Caleb's hands moved, grabbing your wrists with ease and pinning them on top of your head. "I need to hear you so I can know exactly what you need." Caleb moved, his face now facing yours before diving himself into a deep kiss, his right hand still playing with your clit, making short circles around it regardless of your poor attempts of squirming away.

"Ca... Caleb! Too much-- it's too much!" You whispered, chest puffing up and down as you tried to recover from Caleb's kiss.

"My name is not the safe word, you should probably know that." Caleb suddenly switched positions, letting your back rest against his chest, his legs tangled around yours to avoid letting you try to close your legs, his lips kissing yours as he moved one of his hands to your chest, playing with your nipple as the other hand kept slowly moving inside you, searching for that sweet spot until you let a whimper escape you. "This must be your g-spot, right? Gotta make sure you enjoy this." Caleb kissed your face, peppering soft kisses all over your face as he slowly introduced another of his digits, his fingers constantly hitting that spot even as you kept trying to move away from him, with Caleb simply laughing softly against your ear, pushing his fingers even deeper inside. "You're so cute... Humans always react so vividly to the stimuli..." You could't help but feel embarrased, with Caleb's mocking tone reverberating inside your head as he kept forcing you to cum around his fingers, using his other hand to pinch and twist your nipples with just enough force.

It had been over 20 minutes since your sweet torture had begun, with Caleb moving and hitting the exact place you were craving, forcing you to close your eyes from the overstimulation. "Caleb~... That's enough... I don't think I can cum more..." Your voice sounded now raspy from all your whines and moans, with Caleb obviously ignoring them, simply cooing you.

"That's alright, then we can finally move to the main course, right?" Caleb finally let you move a bit, getting up and removing his trousers, leaving them on your chair before returning to the bed. "Let me syncronise my tools, alright?" Suddenly, Caleb's lower half changed from the usual plain surface to the shape of an erect cock, his . "Let me just..." Caleb got on top of you, lifting your legs and wrapping them around his waist, moving his hand to grab his cock and starting to rub it against your entrance, letting some of his self-lubricating fluid just for extra caution. "I'll do it slowly, open wide now, pips." You took a deep breath as Caleb's cock entered you, softly biting against his shoulder as a way to stay calm. "Such a good girl... Just a bit more." And you could simply whine, your insides already feeling as if they were about to tear as Caleb finally bottomed out. "So good for me..." Caleb caressed your cheek, kissing your forehead as he started to move, barely moving a few centimeters before pushing back in, nails digging on his back as he kept pressing his body against yours. "Just a bit more... It will feel so good in just a few minutes..." Caleb pressed your mouths together, sucking on your tongue before starting to french kiss you, a strand of saliva connecting you both the moment the kiss ended.

As the minutes passed, you were finally able to get used to his size, the slight discomfort changing into pure pleasure, making your eyes roll back each time he rubbed that spot. "You feel so nice wrapped around me... Let me help you a bit baby." Caleb lifted your body with ease, laying your body on your front before moving back on top of you, his cock entering you, the pressure of his weight making you bite on the pillow that was close to you, whinning as Caleb's hand made light pressure on your lower stomach, just enough for you to start feeling his length even more, each thrust making your walls wrap around his cock, the system of Caleb slowly getting overheated each time you clenched around him. "Be careful... My system may get a bit overwhelmed if you keep clinging so much to me..." That was of course easier said than done, after all, it had been such a long time since you had been able to feel so good... Still, you tried your best, taking a deep breath and hugging your pillow, a few tears falling down your cheeks as you felt your mind slowly slipping away.

"Too big... You're crushing me~..." You whined, the heat radiating from Caleb mixed with the feeling of having your insides scrambled being enough to make your head feel overwhelmed. Regardless of that, Caleb kept going, his hips bumping against your ass each time he forced his whole length inside you, his hands petting your hair whole he whispered soft praises against your ear.

"So good... Cum all around me pips, show me just how much you're enjoying this..." Caleb's raspy voice echoed inside your mind, the embarrasment of having your own android seen you so fucked dumb suddenly leaving, letting you only focus on how much you wanted Caleb to praise you... So of course you did just as he asked, your gummy walls pulsing around his cock as you felt a warm liquid filling you up, forcing you to cum for who knows what time, toes curling as you felt Caleb increasing his rhythm at the same time you came, then slowing down as he felt your breath become even heavier.

After letting you recover your breath for a few minutes, you felt Caleb lifting you up from the bed, carrying to the bathroom with ease and letting you rest inside the warm bathtub and using a soft towel to scrub you, removing all the sweat together with the mixture of his cum and all your fluids. He then left for a few minutes, returning with a huge towel, wrapping your whole body around it before taking his sweet time drying it. After that, all you could remember was te warm embrace of Caleb, mixed with the fresh smell of a new set of heet together with the citrusy smell that emanated from him.

[allfrogsmatter]

Story Questionnaire 𓆏

thanks for tagging me @historybunnny ♡ I apologize in advance because this is going to be obscenely long...

1) How did you come up with such unique & fascinating characters?

I first got the ideas for my characters almost five years ago now and it's kind of an insane progression. So if we all remember my Life in Pictures post that sort of got me started on Simblr, it followed my character Peggy through life growing up in the 40s and 50s and through adulthood. Peggy was a figment of my imagination who I inserted into a very real setting involving very real people. It started with me researching my genealogy, specifically the life of my late grandfather, and ended with me becoming deeply obsessed with this little bubble in time: his high school years. So naturally I created this character and warped this story to be able to weave all these different characters in - characters who were real people, but had taken on identities of their own in my mind! The original Reed and Jerry were friends of my grandpa (messages they left in his yearbook are below the cut!) Because I am not sane in the slightest, to continue my story I made it my absolute mission to learn as many real life details about these people as I could in order to help shape the personalities I was developing in my story. And the more I learned about Reed, the more he grew on me as a character. He turned from this popular, jock, asshole into one of the most complex characters I've ever written. I could go on and on about this but I'll save the more in-depth explanation for a later date. Anyway, Jerry came into the picture as Reed's best friend. It really felt natural to bring him in even though I already had a character named Jerry because he was always with Reed. Every class picture they're in together? They are next to each other, behind each other, or otherwise very close to each other. There's even one where they're sharing a chair. Naturally in the four and a half years since I got attached to Reed and Jerry their characters have developed a lot, and even the dynamics of their relationship has changed. Most of my characters, at least right now, were pulled from that original story. Reed's entire family, Jerry's family, Lauren, Lin, Connor, Ray... even Jen, who was initially just a townie, ends up filling the role of one of those early characters. It's one of my favorite parts of writing a story - using a real life reference to create the circumstance of a character, then filling in the gaps with my imagination and letting reality inform their personality.

2) When you started writing your story, what did you take into consideration?

The first thing I took into consideration when I decided to bring this to Simblr was the fact that these characters are based on real people. I didn't want to be doxing IRL 80 year olds on tumblr, so I changed their names. (I won't lie I was already extremely attached to Reed and Jerry's original names so I didn't change them much, and only the last names). Characters like Lauren and Conner got new names entirely, others got new last names. The other big consideration (and the one that actually spurred the idea) was that these characters initially existed in the 50s. Their lives were so completely different back then - so I had to think a lot about what growing up in the early 2000s instead of the 1940s would change them? In the OG story, Reed's mom never left, for one. She's still the same character, still not the best mother, but in the 1950s she didn't have the means to leave her husband. She was trapped in that marriage. So as hard as it was for me to create a storyline where one of my favorite characters leaves her children, it was also liberating. We haven't seen much of Delia yet, but we will and I love the character she gets to be when she isn't bound to Bruce.

3) How did you shape each character’s background/family?

Yeahhhh this one is pretty self-explanatory given my previous responses, but the short answer is research. Research. Research. Research. I started out in the yearbooks to get a gather on the characters - what their interests were, what circles they ran in, who their friends were. Then I moved on to ancestry and familysearch (familysearch is free, but limited. ancestry library edition is available at most public libraries! i live and die by ancestry library edition). Census data was everything to me, I kid you not I had a countdown for the release of the 1950 US census in 2022! From the censuses I was able to find out so much, not just about Reed and his immediate family, but also their family history by tracing it back (ancestry is perfect for this). To me I loved getting this picture of a family life and background that could help me inform why my characters are the way they are! For example, if you line up Reed and his siblings (both in real life and in sims) Reed has noticeably darker skin- they are all 1/4 Chickasaw on their mother's side, but Reed is the sibling who physically characterizes this the most. Of course it's not a bad thing that his skin is darker and he doesn't think of it that way, but I think it does contribute to this feeling of 'otherness' within his family. It's just another little thing that sets him apart from his siblings (and this detail I really did pull straight from real life but obviously I can't show the photos).

4) Do you plan everything before starting, or are you more spontaneous?

I tried so hard to be spontaneous and let sims kind of guide some of the story. The major plot I've had outlined in my head for a few years, and even switching to a modern AU I knew I still wanted to follow a similar trajectory, but I did want sims to decide some of the extraneous stuff! Like Jen- for what it's worth, Jen is in the story because she autonomously flirted with Reed. And the entire Chiquita/Ray storyline is because Chiquita developed the crush sentiment towards Ray almost immediately. There are also some minor plot points that came about autonomously within the game - like the fight between Reed and Bruce the night before school started and the conversation with Chiquita after. But going forward I have a lot more posts very specifically planned to move the plot along with less gameplay driven story (since I don't really do gameplay in this save at all anymore). I think the idea just gets too big and then I'm really particular about how I want things to go, so if the game throws a curveball I get annoyed.

5) Does reality inspire you, or do you rely more on your imagination?

Hahahahhaha uhhh yeah I think I've established pretty solidly that reality inspires me a lot. I really do try to make my story feel representative of reality even in ways that have me sometimes going 😒 But a lot of this is for a very specific reason. Right now, Wasteland Babes centers around Copperdale, not necessarily a conservative town, but still a kind of sheltered one. That's why so many townies are white and straight. I really want to show the characters' horizons broadening as their world expands beyond Copperdale and to do that I have to start them in a place with relatively little diversity compared to, say, a college town like Britechester, or Chestnut Ridge which lies on Tribal Land.

6) When did you KNOW you were going to make this story?

Well, the original story was one of a few variations of projects and ended up being the one I stuck with. I had been writing Peggy's story in the form of a TV show and Reed's character just kept growing and growing until I came to a realization and knew I had to give him his own story - so in December 2022 I got to work on a screenplay for a movie version. It spent about a year as a screenplay (eventually a finished one!) then last spring the thought suddenly struck me that it needed to be a book. I got started right away (March 2024) and I finished it in August 2024 with a grand total of 223,000 words. Some parts of it are actually surprisingly good and I was really proud of the end result, but it's not something I made to share (or plan to).

As for Wasteland Babes on Simblr, my decision to share this story was sparked entirely by @alxandergoth ! I mentioned before that Rachel's occult legacy has been a huge inspiration for my sims and my story, but it was genuinely reading the tumultuous relationship between Charlie and Eli in high school/college that first gave me that spark - what if I imagined Reed and Jerry in a modern AU? What if I finally use the High School Years pack I downloaded and play with a modern Reed and Jerry? What if I post it to Simblr since I want so badly to get back to it? And so I did! (And if you look at my earlier posts that are actually the worst quality ever you can see I was using a lot of PSD overlays and trying to emulate Rachel's style!)

7) What has shaped your story into being the way it is?

Starting in screenplay form, it took me a long time to actually get far with my story because I really wasn't sure exactly how I wanted it to go. I had several google docs with a variety of different plots, but always the same central arc. What helped me solidify it - and gave the story a name - and got me so invested I didn't abandon it within a month - was discovering this obscure Canadian indie film from the 1960s called Winter Kept Us Warm. From the start the main character, Doug, reminded me of Reed (coincidentally, Reed's given name is and always was Douglas) and the other main character, Peter, reminded me of Jerry. The friendship between Doug and Peter, though under different circumstances, is so reminiscent of Reed and Jerry's and it really motivated me to keep writing. The title, Winter Kept Us Warm, was pulled from The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot, and that spurred me to delve into that poem. It ended up completely shaping the novel version of my story that I started writing in March 2024.

On Simblr I started out very gameplay oriented and tried to emulate @alxandergoth in editing style, but it didn't take long for me to remember that nothing about how I play sims or tell stories is casual and even posting as though it is wasn't fitting my story the way I wanted it to. So more dialogue started creeping in, less PSD's were used, and then I finally came out from under the rock I was hiding beneath and read all of Tessellate by @elderwisp in one single morning. I was absolutely enamored by their editing style and attention to detail and the complexity of their characters and I realized that formatting my story like that not only suited it a lot better, but gave me a lot more room to develop my characters and dynamics with the amount of nuance I want. I basically gave up on gameplay after the events of the Fair Day post, I watched a ton of photoshop tutorials, learned how to make poses, and put a lot more into outlining my story. I'm still coming out of the whole 'take screenshots during gameplay then find a way to fit them into the story' era, but what I have planned for after my hiatus really excites me!

If you read all that you're a trooper! Honestly I just always have so much to say about this story and these characters and I love peeling back the layers a bit to dive into where it started and why I am where I am!

Anyways I tag @alxandergoth @elderwisp @cupofcarolina @swiftviolets and @simswoon

also as promised, irl reed and jerry’s signatures in my grandpa’s yearbook! i feel like even just the handwriting shows such distinct personalities

[v6quewrlds]

Cassie I got a fic ideaaaaa so I was tryna find pics for Justin with glasses (only found sunglasses and not regular glasses—cause he doesn’t wear them) cause I was tryna see sum for a project 👀 He’s tall, hot, smart (like hello that’s Mr.Academic Heisman) Please make something about stereotypical Nerdy!Justin X Reader

Hear me out I can just imagine Mr. Academic Heisman himself, big-brained, big-hearted, big… well, everything 😉

From 1.cute, innocent, playful to 2. hot, softdom

1.

—He has zero idea he’s hot when he’s concentrating. Like hoodie sleeves pushed up, jaw clenched, glasses sliding down his nose, muttering under his breath while doing Sudoku for fun.

-His browser tabs still open and they say things like:

“how to tell if she likes you back without being weird”

“do girls like forehead kisses??”

“first date conversation topics science-backed”

He’s ridiculously gentle with reader. Carries reader’s backpack without her asking. Offers his hoodie when it’s even remotely chilly. Bends down slightly whenever he talks to reader even though reader never said reader minded his height.

He holds doors open longer than necessary. Not because he’s trying to be polite, but because he doesn’t want reader to walk too far ahead. He likes being near reader. Likes the sound of her voice.

2.

-Both aren’t wildly experienced, but when reader start showing interest in things—sending flirty little “tips” from Reddit or sending him your “reading material”—he reads them all. Analyzes them like film tape. Makes notes. Comes prepared.

-He is nervous to admit the stuff reader has been curious about… and spend hours reading articles, watching tutorials, giggling, getting embarrassed but secretly turned on by the whole thing. He says “we should try that sometime” with a crooked grin.

-He starts taking mental notes in real-time during sex.

-He discovers the thrill of edging you and becomes obsessed. Not cocky about it—more like fascinated by the science of your reactions. “You twitch when I do this,” he whispers, eyes wide like he just unlocked a cheat code. AHHHHHH

-And I just know afterwards—He lays there tangled in you, breathless and pink-cheeked, and murmurs shyly, “I want to try that again. But slower. I want to memorize how you sound.”

-Prob has a praise kink, but it’s subtle.

-Him discovering he likes watching himself disappear into you??

-riding him while reading your notes aloud (😝)

-He asks for feedback like a scholar (need I say more?? Cause I cannn) and king of aftercare too

I’m so close to being a fein atp ever since the idea popped up in my head. Oh and baby let it be the glasses and all black fit from a couple of weeks ago or so and I’m GONEEEE

DAMN DAMN DAMN

1. why would you send this to me and tell me that i have to write it? bc i wanna read this asap but i CAN’T 😭😭😭

2. your mind is really, truly blessed bc i would never think of something this delicious and i’m so grateful that you did

3. the thought of her getting used to him carrying her bags between classes, studying for their bio exams together, assumes he’ll hold every door for her. like them being a couple long before they ever figure out that their suppressed feelings are mutual.

4. when they do get together, being vulnerable enough to admit to each other that they’re not super experienced and need a little bit of time to figure out what they like/want. so they’re sharing those stupid little twitter posts like “listening to a cute boy yap while i bounce on it”, excerpts from novels, every thought that passes through their shy little brains.

5. “we should try that sometime” in reference to yapping while bouncing on it? 🤨

6. him making the little discoveries about what makes her gasp and moan and go completely silent. he’s taking notes for sure, unlocking new combinations like he’s playing a video game. and not just noting it but telling her about his little observations bc there are no secrets between them????

7. discovering all his little kinks with her. and yeah he’s like semi-aware that he prob has a few of them but the depth of how much he likes hearing her praise, or overstimulating her, the size kink which should’ve been a given considering the whole 6’6” thing.

8. do not start thinking about his glasses fogging up when he goes down on her 😔 he refuses to wear contacts off the field bc he knows that it just gets her going

9. mr academic heisman teaching her about football and getting so warm and fuzzy whenever they’re watching a game and she’s making progress on recognizing the flow of the game, pointing out penalties, wearing his jersey…

10. in conclusion, i’m writing this out ty

[dokidokitsuna]

Daughters

…It’s been a minute since I posted any art here. At first I thought it might be because I was just getting depressed again, but tbh I’ve been happier and more creative than ever. ^^; Things are definitely different this time around…and I think it’s something that’s been building for a long time.

Recently, I started thinking about Daughters of the Pumpkin Queen again– an old webcomic that I worked on back when I was in college. And although I hate reading my old work, I made myself skim through it, and I was honestly stunned at the quality of the writing, especially in the unfinished Season 2. O_O If I can do stuff like that while school is literally eating my brains away, man…I don’t know why I’m not famous already. People really don’t appreciate genius, do they…?

Anyway, genius or not, it’s clear that I worked really hard to make it a high-quality webcomic, putting in more and more effort and polish with every new installment…while it gradually became less and less popular, like everything else I did at the time. And I think DotPQ was kind of the final straw for me, back then...

I remember getting really depressed and miserable about my art in the years that followed…I didn’t think I was depressed and miserable, but in hindsight, I was clearly in the “Anger” and “Bargaining” stages of the grieving process. ^^; I started pushing myself to do anything I could stomach to get more popular as an artist– I joined more sites, I started posting more standalone art, I branched out to new types of art; writing novels, composing music, starting speedpaint video essays near the end. I just wanted an audience again so badly, and I knew I was good at all these things, because everyone I brought my art to directly told me so. So I figured it was just a matter of finding the right niche.

Long story short, it didn’t work. ^^; I learned a ton of new artistic skills, and I definitely don’t regret that, but I never did get what I wanted– i.e. a steady stream of external validation on at least a weekly basis. What I did get was new fans of my more sporadic content, like my video essays and animation…and before that was low-key frustrating, because I really couldn’t do more than one of those a month, at best. What would I do for validation in the meantime…?

But now…I don’t really care? ^^; I don’t feel like I need validation in the meantime anymore…and at first I thought it was just laziness (or the bouts of depression) but now I’m thinking it was also just me subconsciously fighting this change in my mindset. After all, when you think of online artists, they’re usually in one of two camps: the dedicated people who chase the algorithms on a weekly/daily basis, or the legendary people who just drop a masterpiece every couple months and never say anything. And because I knew I didn’t want to be the latter; I assumed I needed to be the former, but maybe there’s middle ground.

I’m not 100% sure what it is…but I know I’ve come to be fine with just working on projects by myself for weeks or months. I don’t mind taking my time with difficult drawings anymore, or simply deciding not to post them if I don’t like them, without feeling like I wasted the effort. And I’ve relearned to make pieces I’m proud of without even wanting to post them online– initially this was because I was just afraid no one would like them as much as I expected, and it was better not to take the risk. ^^; But now it’s more like…that’s not always what they’re for. Sometimes I just want to get an idea out of my head and look at it, and that’s fine by itself.

Best of all, I can finally work on my original projects with no guilt or shame. ^^ That’s basically what I did all last month, and I had a great time. I spent hours writing every day; I made a bunch of new drawings; I even did a color study for the first time in a while. And I was the only witness…and it still feels wrong, but not as wrong as it used to. It’s kinda freeing. ‘_’

I still like to share art and talk about it with fans; it’s still the highlight of my life and one of the main reasons I feel motivated to make art. But it’s not an imperative anymore; there’s no pressure to make it happen at all costs. And I think this year, I’m going to make a conscious effort to accept that as normal. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been watching a lot of Duchess Celestia lately, but I think it’s time to review my lifestyle as an artist and lean into the parts I actually enjoy.

Now, as for this drawing: I just really loved the characters in this little series, despite all the bad memories attached to working on it. ^^ And even though Season 2 had a great storyline and part of me is tempted to finish it, I think Season 1 had a stronger concept; to the point where it’d probably be a better idea to reboot the series, if I ever went back to it.

Maybe as just a short run with 2 or 3 episodes, to play with the concept in a new way. I like the idea of re-imagining Mariska and Etelka as teenagers (which wasn’t possible in the original lore)…y’know, let them be a little more driven and opinionated, and have some more agency. DotPQ was heavily inspired by Fireball in terms of the premise; this could be a chance to borrow some more from it in terms of tone. ^^ Idk, it’s just a fun idea…I’ll probably just toy with it in the background along with everything else.

[rainboq]

Meowdy!

I just wanted to start by saying that I adore Statistics and Purity Through a Prism.

Do you have any general advice you can give to less experienced writers? I’m also hella into making LiS fics, but I’m still trying to find my footing. Plus most of my projects fizzle out around chapter 5, and I’m not sure how to get momentum back after taking a break 😂🥰 how do you write stories that go for so long?

Thanks!

First of all thank you very much for enjoying my fanfics! I'm sorry that I haven't updated anything in a while, life and original fiction projects have pretty much taken over (I'll be self publishing a novel in the next few months).

For general advice, consider the following.

Keep an idea diary. Write down your ideas, just because you have nothing to go with it doesn't mean you won't later and don't be afraid to mash things together.

Learn about story telling as a craft. Study any and every medium and think about how to apply their lessons to word smithing. I highly recommend Every Frame a Painting, Thomas Flight, Hello Future Me, and Ellen Brock.

Read everything twice. Once for pleasure, once to tear it apart to figure out how the sausage is made. Dissect word choice, structure, pacing, foreshadowing, all of it. If you want to get better as an author, get better at media analysis.

Ask yourself why a project fizzles out. Did you lose sight of your original goal? Is it not turning out the way you hoped? Can you not remember where you wanted it to go? I tend to write with a few very specific scenes fixed in my head and I need to massage the characters to make those scenes happen and make sense. For Prism that was Kate and Chloe's clifftop kiss. Everything after that was kinda ad-libbed.

Embrace failure. Enjoy failure. Fail faster. As the Frizz would say: take chances, make mistakes, and get messy! You will learn more from your mistakes than from your successes. It's okay to be disappointed and upset when things don't go your way, but then dust yourself off and figure out what went wrong where and learn your lessons. (Just because you can write a novel in 3 months doesn't mean you should)

Your ideas are crap. It's okay, mine are too. Ideas always suck, they become good when you actually write the stories and find your blind spots. Make it work in the edit. You can change things right up until you publish, so play around and have fun.

It's okay to not finish projects. Use them as learning experiences. Practice writing better and better hooks. Find character's voices. Toy around with premises.

Practice with a purpose. With everything you write, pick something you want to focus on. Dialogue, pacing, structure, action, word play, imagery, etc. Pick something, study, execute.

Keep it simple. Elevator pitches are 30 words or less. If you can't summarize the crux of your story simply and succinctly, consider revising your idea to make it less complicated. Prism's premise is literally "What if Max never went to Blackwell". Statistic's premise is "What if Chloe was a homeless trans girl dealing for Frank". Complicated premises aren't bad, but they make executing much harder, and you don't need them to tell a good story.

Don't stop. Always be reading, writing, and thinking. Your creativity is a muscle, work it out. Hit the brain gym regularly with focus and intent and you'll see the growth.

I hope these help and good luck!

[hellyeahfanthings]

I already finished DMC4 Deadly Fortuna, both of them, and, after these, I think I'm going to take a break from reading because four books in a week, even if their are light novels, are too much for my brain.

The novels are a retelling of the 4th game, but with extra info and chapters not in the game, like the reason why Dante goes to Fortuna or how Nero got his devil bringer.

The novels are written from Nero's perspective in first person and the rest of the characters in third. Why? I don't know. I've read other light novels where the author did this and I dropped them; I can't stand first person narrators, they look unrealiable to me. I only read these because they were DMC novels.

Chronologicaly, the thing starts with Lady angry because some magic armors are taking her job and something is fishy, so she goes to Dante and ask him to solve her problem. We can see Lady doing her demon hunter job and she looks cool; I think they could have added this background to the game in some kind of cutscene for people to understand what the hell was happening and why they knew the Order was fishy.

Trish have a bigger role than being Gloria: they say she likes reading and studying, so she goes around the world getting ride of bad demons and learning stuff she finds interesting, usually demon related. She helps the people of Fortuna and keep in touch with Lady and ask her for help when needed; she is written as a person you wan rely on.

About Nero, we got to know how he gots his devil arm, and a bit more about Fortuna society. Everyone seems to know he is a Sparda descendant but him, even if people tell him to his face, but he is a 17 year old teenager madly in love and his only goal in life is saving his not yet girlfriend. That reminds me I love how Kyrie is portrayed: she is not a fighter, but she need to protect people around her however she can; she is a devout, but a real one: she does good because that's the good thing to do, not because doing good you'll get more status or a better place in the afterlife. Or, well, maybe, as this is Nero's point of view and it could be quite biased (that's why I don't like first person point of view).

Dante is Dante. Now he is stronger than in the other novels and he plays with the demons, not afraid of being empaled (LOL). I love how the author uses the devil arms to finish them instead of writing pages of boring fights and how Lady and Trish comment they see Dante in a better mood after he met Nero. Maybe the thing about feeling the blood calling sound a bit weird, but I see it more as a magic thing than literal blood.

About the other characters, I liked they gave Credo a bit of background, enough to be a bit interesting. I suppose he is the best example of blind faith is bad and he saw it in the end, too. Too late, I could say. At least here Kyrie and Nero remember him at the end of the novel (LOL).

Santus life was elaborated too. It seems he meet Vergil 18 years ago the night he became Pope. I was reading it and I was imagining it like: "Vergil enters Pope's room: don't mind me, old man, just looking around, keep sleeping; BTW, I'll surpass Sparda. *Winks* see ya". Leaves the room. And the Pope was "OK... My religion Jesus just left and I'm chill about it."

About Agnus, I think there's nothing new. His story is expanded DMC5 novel when Nico speaks about him, though. Guy abandoned her and her mother, and I'm happy she got to meet a nice guy how adopted Nico as his own.

Over all, I liked it: the story and character expansion get to fill the missing info in the game, which makes the game feel incomplete after the reading. The story feel more dynamic that the previous ones; I feel the characters more likable. I feel it lighter that the others, easier to read. Appart for my personal taste of hating first person writing, I think it's a very good reading. I thanks the people who took the effort of translating it and I feel is a shame it's not translated to other languages.

AND EDIT: I forgot to tell, I read somewhere people in Fortuna though Nero's mom was a prostitute, but I don't remember reading it anywhere, so maybe I missed it. I usually don't get things if they are not clearly written: if you write 'woman of the evening' (I had to look for this expression) I'm not going to undertands its meaning, less being a expression in another language not my own. If you know the exact moment this is said about Nero's mom, you can tell me.

[theredofoctober]

I sometimes wonder how I miss such huge typos in my work after reading the same text like eleven times... it's so strange!

Cut because I've realised this is sooo long

I do read quickly and skim read as a bad habit left over from academia, so I'm not sure if that's part of it. Maybe?

I've never ever considered I might have dyslexia as I can read and write just fine apart from certain issues. I do have dyscalculia though, so I wonder if it's come from that

I struggle with addition and times tables, and I can't read long numbers without covering the rest of the figure and doing it in parts. I also can't 'see' how many multiple figures there are if they're the same and have to concentrate really hard

Other symptoms I experience are poor direction (yes, I know right from left but it doesn't seem to help) and that I struggle to follow maps to the point I even get turned around in video games 🤣

Also if I write on a page with no margin or even with one at times I slowly write further and further from the left. Teachers used to leave a huge angry red mark on it at school probably thinking I was being a dick and not realising it's something I struggle with

I also couldn't tell the time until I was 8/9 and still struggle with it, especially analogue clocks. It's so fucking bizarre

I've had zero support for it my entire life as I mask being neurodivergent relatively well until I don't, and was academically very talented except in maths so I think all my teachers thought I was a lazy cunt expect the last one I ever had...

God, he was a lovely man.

He died of a heart attack after I finished school which is so upsetting to me because he was the only person who noticed I was severely struggling with maths and gave me a CD with tutorials on it to take home.

After that I practised and practised because I was determined to raise my D to at least a C to get into certain college classes. So I went into Maths every day raising my hand and getting things right, which I'd never done before.

I'd straight up copy other people's work 🤣 I couldn't understand any of it. It was like gibberish. I knew I needed to know this stuff, but the After School classes went right over my head, and I felt angry I had to do this fucking class at all. I used to stare out of the window or at my watch bored as hell

Then after all this studying I got good. Don't ask me how. I think I'm good at learning through repetition and breaking things down to understand them. That's why the tutorials helped, I could replay them without someone staring or yelling at me

I could see the pride on my teacher's face when I shot up in class. He didn't judge me for messing with my calculator when I wasn't supposed to be relying on it because we both looked at each other and said I won't have it in the exams, and that's when I knew he trusted that I would be okay doing it without.

I was.

I got a high B, didn't get an A because I was in set 2 and only set 1 were doing the equations and such that would get you an A or A*. The pride on his face on results day was so amazing to me...

Like he saw that I had a disability, that I wasn't making things up or being lazy or a dick. He saw that I genuinely had a problem and he helped me in the way somehow he knew would help.

I'll never forget him. It was such a simple thing he did and so beautiful and empathetic

I'll never get the chance to thank him 😭

I've lost all my maths knowledge now so sadly I suck again, I'm only good at things when I practice heavily and memorise the knowledge and information. My brain is very strange.

Anyway, long story short haha. I do wonder if there's something there with language, if only a weak presence.

But I think about that teacher and think about how he quietly trusted I'd get there, and everything is okay ❤️ I never ended up in a career I would use any college or uni stuff but I did absorb the lessons I learned.

I'm where I need to be, starting my third book and first novel, with two novel drafts on the way!

[iantimony]

big ol' tuesdaypost

listening: background noise for the week has been relistening to TANIS. not gonna lie, y'all, this podcast has not aged well! it is simply not very good! it was always kinda mid with regard to dialogue etc but now after listening to other narrative podcasts (TMA, Silt Verses, Wolf359, etc) it's even worse. all it ever really had going for it was Vibes and it's hanging on that by a thread. however, it is serving the purpose of essentially white noise. audio drama equivalent of eating packing peanuts.

I also got surprised in one of the early episodes because Elisa Lam's name wasn't censored - I could have SWORN that at the time there was a pretty large backlash to using a real person's tragedy and name in a narrative fiction podcast so they went and censored her name out? like, that's why all the following episodes have that disclaimer about "for legal and safety reasons we've elected to change some names and leave others out entirely"? okay yes live mid-writing of this I went and checked and the transcript of that episode literally says "Also, we have decided to entirely redact the name of one person who has passed away whose name was used in this episode. It appears in this transcript as [REDACTED]." did I somehow get an unedited version in my podcast app??? very odd.

when I got bored of TANIS or needed something more engaging/stimulating I got back on The Silt Verses season 2! on s2e3 now for reference. especially in contrast with TANIS it is so phenomenal lol.

you will notice that last week I linked "Pale Green Things" from the album The Sunset Tree by The Mountain Goats. this made me realize that a song I listen to a lot around this time of year ("This Year", obviously, lol) is on the same album. I have embarrassing news which is that I have listened to exactly one Mountain Goats album all the way through (Jenny from Thebes) so I resolved to listen to The Sunset Tree all the way through.

gang, this is not a surprise, or news, but man, this album fucking whips. it's so good. why didn't I do this years ago. oh my god.

Broom People

Dilaudid

Magpie

reading: "Bad Influence" by Mia Sato - duuuuuuuuuude lol. I am no legal expert but I think I know how this case is gonna go because let's be totally real. the beige home shade is really funny to me, not quite a maximalist but someone who loves her home with objects that are colorful, lively, full of sentiment, and secondhand where I can make it (i.e. not mass market sludge).

On the Origin of the Hebrew Deity-Name El Shaddai by F. M. Behymer - a discussion of the name 'El Shaddai' in contexts of fertility came up in weekly torah study this week and the rabbi was wondering if there were any real scholarly sources related to that beyond just noting it a few times in scripture. naturally I immediately went to jstor. interesting article, not sure if it's exactly what my rabbi was thinking about but I will be emailing it to him.

[Is] BookTok for Dummies[?] by Chels - I am not a tiktok girly (I have deleted social media apps from my phone because I find accessing them through web browser is less addictive, and tiktok simply does not function in a web browser so I don't use it) so I am very removed from these dynamics. call me crazy but I do not care if people on tiktok are reading porn because [looks at my ao3 history] glass houses, etc. the weird reactionary bent against romance novels is very strange to me.

Static by purplewhales on ao3 :3

watching: the death of personal style by Mina Le - I've definitely never been as extravagant as she is known to be but I do love a little Outfit(tm), especially since I have officially acquired my Good Leather Jacket this fall. cooking this one in my brain still though because it takes me SO long to get ready for the day and having a 'uniform' would probably. help that. lol.

The Winter Reset Guide by Morgan Evelyn Cook - she's kinda basic (in a positive way) but I've been enjoying her vids along with Caroline Winkler as background noise. ngl I love her high five thing it's very cute. I did stop everything to hold my hand up like I was high-fiving her. her dog is adorable too.

LED Christmas lights which don't hurt the eyes by Technology Connections. "this is not what christmas looks like. it looks like a vape shop. or, worse, a gaming PC." extremely funny thank you autism etc

I bought the world's most expensive yarn by Cinema Knits - the background noise while my soup was simmering and I was crocheting another mouse cat toy. cozy bliss.

The Online Gambling Epidemic by Drew Gooden - I'm becoming more of a hockey person (especially with the women's league coming up let's goooo) and while I'm not that tapped into it I'm sure gambling there exists, though it doesn't seem as plastered across everything as it is with football?

relatedly: watched a hockey game in the background on Saturday while I ran dnd! my mom and brother were there in person so I tuned in remotely to keep up :) also watched the Sirens/Frost game on Sunday yippee

playing: as above: ran dnd on Saturday! once again I spent time before it agonizing how I did not want to even a little bit but after actually doing it I had a lot of fun.

making: like a fool, I left the container with my winter wear open and my cat RIPPED THE POMPOM OFF the top of a hat I made a few years ago. it's no great loss - the pompom really wasn't big enough, I didn't have enough of the beige yarn I'd really wanted to use - and she didn't eat any of the yarn, just relished in tearing it all apart, so I made a new one with some leftover of the white. this one is bigger and fluffier and definitely matches the vibe of the hat better so I'm not mad. it's been deadly cold here, like windchills bringing it to single digits, so I've actually gotten some good wear out of it the past few days.

made what will hopefully be a lemon coaster but I think I gave it one too many rows of the interior yellow so stay tuned, plus a mousie for my cat :)

further work on the holiday card for this year! sketches followed by some inspo images:

sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

eating: yayy thanksgiving. many leftovers, etc. made a big ass kugel that was demolished over two different get-togethers, gonna make another one for a potluck at temple this coming Friday! might make that one with crushed pineapple because every time I mention it my grandma sighs wistfully and says how her mom used to make it that way.

I also made this sunchoke soup from some sunchokes that I blanched and froze about a month ago. I halved the recipe because I only had about a pound of sunchokes and this is soooo good. no picture because I'm ngl it looks like sludge lol. made waffles again too.

finally: little emotional support cheese board from the other day, lol.

feat. paesanella ciresa (soft vaguely mushroomy?), somerdale red dragon (very dijon mustard-y), cotswold (super chives and onion flavor), and appenzeller white label (swiss adjacent) picked up as little samples from the cheese counter castoff bin. and olives and mozz balls of course.

misc: really enjoyed these few days off. it is cold as fuck here which is not encouraging me to get back in the swing of things but it has put me in cozy mode. I did reformat my resume in LaTeX so now it's sexy for my conference next week because I am … printing out a few copies I guess ?? to bring to hand to people if needed. do people still do that. who fucking knows.

[atticollateral]

Autism Assessment Update (bc it's been almost 3 months since I mentioned it haha oops) (it's a novel. you've been warned.)

tagging @examishbookwyrm bc they did comment on my autism assessment post I made in MARCH!! n i didn't respond...(adhd moment) get honourable mention'd.

--- SOOOO. BIG ASS PERSONAL LIFE UPDATE!!! I have... literally the worst news? Like the worst-worst news I think I will ever share. So imma start from the beginning :> [I detail everything about the assessment in this post. The process, the assessment itself, and the after.]

So. This is part of the NS Pilot Program for assessing people who were going to age out of the early-childhood-assessment waitlist (because hey! it is a 5 year long wait! haha!) which was led by NS Health and the Gov. of Canada (who paid for all the assessments.) It's safe to say that NOBODY is happy! (if you look it up you will find articles on how... awful it's been. Also if you look up articles I might have left out details bc my brain is VERY SPOTTY bc i am enraged) but anyway,

The first part of this is they had been calling my mom during the day; my mother had been working days. So she wasn't picking up. And they weren't answering her calls back or her messages! Already a big red flag. Because they can't get ahold of her they call me. Me! The person they're going to assess, who, at the time, was 18, and perfectly capable of consenting, as an adult, and taking care of their own medical records and appointments and such. They go "Hello, is this (deadname's) mom?" And I go "This is (deadname); and my name is [Chosen]" and they go "Oh, Well. Can you get your mother to call us?" And I said in a tone I believe was very clearly annoyed bc wtf? "Oh, no, you can tell me whatever you're going to tell her!" They tell me "Well we're looking to get you into the NS pilot program for autism assessments" yada yada "is that something you'd be interested in?" And me being me (poor and reasons to think I'm autistic and being on the waitlist) go "yeah!" AND THIS FUCKING WOMAN GOES "ok then get your mom to call us. this is the date. we need her to confirm." and I go "...why?" and they go "we just need to talk to her." and I go "...why can't you just talk to me?" and she just repeats herself so I go "um. ok. well. you have a good day? bye?" and hang up. So i'm simmering; bc I am literally an adult. I don't need my mom. I should be treated like an adult and I'm getting infantilized. I got the woman's name and # so I give it to my mom. It takes another month to get a date for the assessment approved bc they STILL WONT ANSWER HER CALLS OR MESSAGES.

My mother was required to do two prerequisite assessments a week or two before my in-person one. One over the phone and one over zoom. I am above the age of 16 (as stated) and perfectly capable of consent and being an informant. (you are legally allowed to consent to a majority of medical assessments in NS when you turn 16 w/o alerting ur parents, and clearly allowed to do that over the age of 18 as that is age of majority.) So i'm just miffed. They tell her not to tell me anything. She says fuck that (thank the gods) and so she tells me things they tell her. So the night before the assessment I help her with the form they MAKE HER FILL OUT before the assessment like "when did your child start walking/running" "when did they learn to ride a bike" "when did they start talking/writing" stuff like that. and I go ok. sure. autism can show in early childhood, it's a neurological developmental disorder. I get it. Even though autistic individuals can have average, slowed, or accelerated development (IT'S ALMOST LIKE ITS LITERALLY CALLED AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER) There's a question that catches me off guard. "what is your child's dominant hand" ...i'm sorry. back it up. *Yes.* There are studies that say many people who have ASD are left handed or ambidextrous. But oh. My. Gods. Above. THAT IS NOT GROUNDS FOR DIAGNOSIS; and you can also ASK THE KID during the assessment! What kind of question?! [I am right-hand predominant but I am ambidextrous.]

I move on.

I go into the assessment. On the table; the dr's introductory sheet in a photo frame. His title sits atop the document with a head, MADE OF BLUE PUZZLE PIECES alarm bells alarm bells alarm bells oh my fucking god help me jesus christ please help me i promise i'll believe in you if you help me right now please please plea "Hi!" A woman greets us, sitting in an office with the door open. I don't know her name. She doesn't stand from her desk. "I'll be with you in a moment." I laugh awkwardly. My mom says ok as the woman shuts her door. I tell my mom "I hate it here; can we go home?" Because I genuinely feel unsafe; I'm shaking. She laughs softly and goes "It'll be okay." So I put a brave face on bc I love my mom and she's nice and wait for the lady. She calls us in a few minutes later. I don't remember her introducing herself. I don't remember her offering a handshake or any other "polite" gesture. That would be something important to do, and I would have remembered it. She tells us how long it will be and a lay down of what's gonna happen and asks MY MOTHER FOR CONSENT TO FILM ME. Not ME for consent to film ME, an 18 year old. My mom turns to me confused and asks me if I'm okay with it instead. I go "yeah." (I was not okay with it); the woman told us the assessment would not happen if they could not film it. So I agreed; giving *assent* rather than *consent* was something I was pissed off about then and there. The woman asks HER if she'd like to stay so my mom asks ME if she wants me to stay, I hug my mom after I ask her to leave because I'm an adult and can handle myself. I don't need my mom to be there. I sit down. I have my pompompurin stuffed animal with me and a messenger bag with pens and stuff in it because I know there are things to write and don't like using other people's things. She doesn't ask about the bag. She sets up the camera and such, explaining that she'll have to occasionally turn to her laptop to make sure the recording is still going. I have pompom in my lap along with a fidget while she talks. She says something along the lines of "um, you'll want to put that away, you'll need your hands." And I go, rather firmly, something along the lines of; "I'll put it away when I need to use my hands. I am focusing on you right now." To which she seems surprised and goes "um... okay, that's fine." And continues on. (Was she not expecting an adult to have clear boundaries and be able to state their needs?) She offhandedly mentions something about [Dr] perhaps coming in to see me at some point during the assessment. My heart drops. She's not the doctor? She isn't the psychiatrist? What the hell?

The assessment begins. They're giving me tests for children, she said she made it harder. I disagree. I find the tasks easy. Simple games/puzzles. I tell her I like puzzles. She keeps throwing positive affirmation at me; I become annoyed with it after awhile because I know she's only doing it to make me continue doing the activity. It's common for people who work with children. She is infantilizing me. I know I was thinking it subconsciously.

The tests are not geared towards my age range, I notice immediately. I become miffed, going "these are too easy for me so far" or something to that effect. She laughs at me. I become upset. We start the reading part of the test. I read to show reading speed and comprehension. I read out loud to show my pronunciation. I read words that don't exist to show my reasoning skills when it comes to language. I am in my 5th year of high school (I struggle with school). This task is mundane and annoying. I feel like I am in third grade. I feel infantilized. I feel like the tests aren't going to be accurate. I am annoyed. I do it fast as I can to get it over with. Some of the reading pieces she makes me do multiple times.

We begin the mathematics part. I am not good at mathematics. She has upped the difficulty for the mathematics, she tells me. I begin; The first test is a Working Memory test; listing numbers she reads to me in a specific order. I am bad at it after the more convoluted ones. Some of the work is recognizing shapes and patterns. There is addition, fractions, multiplication and division questions. She points out I'm 'doing the test wrong' multiple times. I tell her that this test is stupid (or something to that effect) due to the structure. She laughs at me. There are a few tests I can't do or become quickly annoyed with (naming mean, median, and mode, prime numbers, fractions.) As I haven't done them since 11th grade level (I took a different math course and haven't done math since I finished my credits 2 school years ago.) We break for lunch after doing half of the mathematics.

I return to continue with the mathematics. I am still annoyed even after eating lunch. I had complained to my mother how it felt like torture: No eraser, No Calculator, no Tools, and no asking for help (She is not allowed to give me help, even if I don't know something.) I am on the brink of actual tears in frustration because I cannot receive help. I understand the potential why, but I think it's idiotic.

We begin the writing and listening comprehension. I am made to write an essay on a game I like and why I like it, I am given 10 minutes. I write it about Minecraft and it's offshoots. For listening comprehension, there are a few tests. I tell her about certain parts of what i've heard. Most of them are ads, so telling her what they say is easy for me, because it feels like slush and I have trained my ears to pick up more important information because of APD (Auditory Processing Disorder). She repeats them a few times to get me to tell her more. There are more working memory tests. Something with shapes, form, and colours. One about things she's listed. There's a test where I tell her a story in a picture book based on photos only. I am becoming tired. There's a test where I need to copy a picture. I am not allowed to trace the picture. I am not allowed to hold the picture. I am not allowed to use a tool. She says something about how I should like it because I told her I am an artist. I start going on while begrudgingly doing the test that this is horrible, this isn't what art is, and i'd like to not be doing it this way because it is impractical. She laughs at me again. I am annoyed. I get to take another short break after that.

There is another test when I come back with shapes. I see there are 8 pieces and a grid I must put them in; observing the grid, I go "I need all 8 pieces." She gives me 4 pieces. I frown. I say "I need all 8 of them, can I have them please?" as I put the 4 she gave me into the grid. She hands me 2. I put them in. I repeat myself. "I know I need all 8 of them. Can you give them to me please?" She gives me 1. I become insanely frustrated at that point. "What is this?" I go, "Can I have the last piece?" I ask her annoyedly, and she gives it to me. She's smiling. She thinks this is funny? I put it in the place. I rearrange the pieces into a nicer pattern in the grid because she annoyingly gave me the pieces while she takes her notes.

There is an activity where I have to tell her a story using 5 random pieces of garbage. She shows me how to do it first when I already understand the premise and was going to do it after the verbal instruction and presentation of the items. I know it is to assess my imaginative play. I am an 18 year old artist. This is easier than breathing to me. I do it begrudgingly because I am embarrassed to do it. She laughs at me again. I am so annoyed at this point I am thinking the most angry thoughts. What is her issue??? I don't say anything while I wait for the other tests.

I am presented with a test with over 100 questions. I say out loud multiple times "I don't have OCD" to multiple questions I've been asked before to assess me for OCD. She says something about 'Don't think about it. just answer.' and I say something along the lines of "I've been to therapy since I was about 12. I do therapy speak. I know what the questions are asking me. I can't not think about it." She scoffs at me. I am so irritated. Many of the questions ask me if I am suicidal. Many of the questions ask me if I am paranoid. There are questions about ego, and questions about self-worth, questions about poverty, questions about things that don't pertain (to see if I'm paying attention.) I finish the test. She asks if I answered honestly. I say "I think so." But I my answers will be different tomorrow. They're always different later. That's how surveys work.

One of the last tests is asking me questions and having me answer. Things like "do you have friends?" "how do you feel about relationships?"; I ask her "Well, how do you define relationships? Are you in any? Are you asking me about friendship or dating?" She tells me she has a partner; a husband if I recall. I say something about marriage and romance. She asks me more questions about feelings, boundaries, relationships, and experiences in my life. It is the last test.

We leave the room to talk to my mother in the waiting room. I have not seen [Dr] once. Girl asks me what my pronouns are. I tell her it/its. She complains. I tell her too bad flat out. We leave.

I only learn upon getting home that her name is Alison.

I wait a month for my draft results. I had to get my teacher to fill out a form. I had to sign a consent form for them to do that which they made me do digitally after the assessment and CLEARLY wanted my mother to sign. She gets me to sign it because I'm an adult. She understands.

My mom sits me down. She goes "You aren't going to like this." I frown. "I'm not autistic?" She nods. "You aren't. But they said you have 3 or 4 other things."

Alarm bells again. I get her to bring up my draft assessment on the computer for me to read. I am enraged. They refer to me as "transgendered". They misgendered me. There were numerous, insane typos that would be easy to catch on the first pass.

I begin work on an Essay/Paper telling them why their assessment is bullshit and how I meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder. (I READ THE DSM-5 AND DSM-5-TR FOR THIS CRAP.) I also berate them the whole time for their behaviour, the nature of the assessment, and lack of care. A week or so later I get the final draft. They still misgendered me; and there are still typos. I get my mom to email it to me and I send it to multiple of my friends, my Therapist, and give her my consent to share it with my Psychiatrist and anyone else she sees fit with her discretion with the password for the protected document, along with a screenshot pointing out the most glaring typo (being misgendered.) My therapist and psychiatrist show it to the Autism Lead in their district with my consent.

I receive an overwhelmingly positive onslaught of "this assessment is bullshit! You SHOULD be angry." The autism lead tells my therapist I do likely have autism based on what was shown and told to her, and to get a second opinion (as she can't diagnose me without assessing me herself). I tell my therapist more about the assessment. She does some research.

The Psychometrist (someone who administers psychological tests/assessments) is underqualified during time of assessment.

Medical Negligence.

[Dr.] Is clearly on grounds to be tried for Medical Malpractice.

I am now working on submitting a complaint and finishing my paper.

I may potentially be involved in legal trouble against the psychologist I never even got to see or speak to.

Fuck that guy.

[sooniebby]

mcyap is back ‼️cries, sorry it took so long to come back

hate finals 💔

but yea i get wym with the last names thing too. dont wanna comment too much on colonialism (still got lots to learn 😞) but i do agree. imo it's just the way they keep white supremacy and shit going, and that was probs the idea even in the past. tho if thats not right feel free to correct me. also scottish 😭 do u know about the meme where it's like the power rangers and then the villainess asks one like "what is your purpose/what are you representing" or something like that and he knocks her out and says like "IM SCOTTISH" idk why it just reminded me of that..

also yea, turning off ur brain is great honestly 😞 wish i could too

abt your mom, thats so sweet 😭 if your mom is into thai bl i will literally scream and cry from joy. my mom is too (more for novels tho)

idk if thaipod is legit either tbh but it's the only ad i ever get. it might be bcs i have my electronics in english but i think my browser thinks i am a foreigner 💔 rip... im honestly happy to hear that ur learning thai tho, i feel thats not very common 😭 tho i agree, i also dont like writing chinese characters very much 💔 typing and reading is much easier imo. tho i still struggle with some of the logic in thai too

actually, im not in college yet, but by 'college stuff' i meant like preparing for entry (i fucking hate tcas) 💔 criessss... however i can tell u a bit of an overview abt unis in thailand

so, the main universities in thailand are:

1. Chulalongkorn University (top one and generally considered the best university in thailand, bkk)

2. thammasat university (known for being a left wing uni, many ppl who align with liberal politics go here, bkk)

3. mahidol university (known for medical school, bkk)

4. chiang mai university (university in the north, also known for stem subjects)

5. Khon Kaen University (university in the northeast)

6. Prince of Songkla university/Songklanakarin university (i may have spelled this wrong 💀) (university in the south)

7. Kasetsart University (agricultural university)

8. Assumption University/ABAC (private, catholic university. has many connections to catholic schools all over the country. theyre administered by the Brothers of St. Gabriel)

smth like this. campus life varies on the university you enter into, and also what youre majoring in. personally, i am going to CU cuz my dad's alumni there. the environment there is very high class i think... theyre also in a commercial and business district (siam square and samyan). i cant say how the living life is there, but i know damn well, cuz it's the top uni, everyone is competitive as hell 💀 probably very nerdy too. tho i would stick to how bl portrays it mostly cuz imo it's probably mostly right. i reckon most bl authors in thailand do graduate in thailand or at least studied in thailand at some point

np again, and sorry again this is long as hell 😭 i hope you pass your classes too

(ps 1: knockout is great, read it w my mom a bit)

(ps 2: did you watch the next prince yet?? im waiting to binge it all but so far it's going great)

(ps 3: NAOKI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭💔💔💔 i thought he thought that hiyori is the reader's girlfriend and i nearly flipped out until i saw the thing abt hiyori's gf 💔 i need naose kun to come back 💔)

yeaaa, I need to like actually look for more resources to learn Thai. Thaipod was just the first thing that came up when I was trying to write the alphabet. But I don’t think it really helped me learn lol

thanks for the list of colleges. The new Thai character I have is a boxer and the reader is supposed to have already graduated college so I don’t need to worry too much about it—but for future characters I’ll keep this list in mind.

have you read My Stubborn? Or the recent one that came out, Reset? Shiiiiit, Thai dramas are hitting it out the park omg, the drama is crazy… I haven’t watched the next Prince yet, wanted to wait until it was finished. I know the couple tho, they’re pretty much dating right? They’re so cute online.

yea, probably should’ve shown the gf more so people didn’t assume Naoki was talking about Hiyori. Cuz Naoki knows Hiyori lol, she just wasn’t seen because the flashback took place mostly during their senior year so she already graduated by then. In my efforts to make the story stick solely in reader’s focus, might’ve forgotten to flesh out Naoki’s thought process a bit

[beevean]

17, 25 and 30? ^-^

17) talk about your writing and editing process

I sit down. I type 3 words. I look up 2 of them to make sure they mean what they mean. I spend 3 hours scrolling down Tumblr because writing scary. I cry lol

alright, more seriously. It's true that sometimes Brain refuses to write because the draft bites. My best strategy for this so far is to write the very first draft on a notebook, with pen and paper (in some cases I've even written in Italian so that I'm forced to translate later), then transcribe it in the "first draft" page which inevitably leads to editing in real time, and then copypasting it once or even twice on other pages with different colors and fonts, which "tricks" my brain into spotting even more things to edit.

If it's a long fic, then I don't re-read for a long time so that I forget what I wrote, so that when I go back I spot even more things to change.

In general, while I know it's wrong, I tend to wait for the Muse to give me inspiration. It doesn't happen often. But sometimes Brain is stuck in "daydreaming" mode about one singular scene, whether I have to write it or I've already written it and it needs fixing, and that's the best part as I get to jot down so many notes. the problem is making those notes coherent lmao

I don't know if this "editing in real time" process is functional, or at least as good as retyping the whole thing from scratch once I'm done, but that's how I work so far.

25) besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

Mainly bench pressing lol. And while obviously it has nothing to do with writing, I try to carry the same mentality for both hobbies: you can only improve through practice, and you won't reach your objective overnight. Two years ago I could barely bench press 50kgs, last year I went to the national competitions but failed to lift 70kgs, and now I can lift 80kgs three times in a row! It took me time and constant training. And it's the same with writing. I can't write the epic complex novel I have in my mind from the get go, I have to train by reading books, remembering new words, practicing sentence constructions, getting a grasp on the character and balancing showing with not holding readers' hands.

This is also why I try my best to not take long breaks in writing if I can. Discipline is also important, at least for me.

30) share a fic you’re especially proud of

I'll share two :3

Remember is the only ShTH fic I wrote that I still re-read lol. The style is aging, but it's my first thought when I think "I'm cooking for myself to give myself what I want" lol. I like this level and its concept a lot :)

Grip took me two years because i'm slower than silver in soleanna forest and so it was with me for some of the worst events in my life. It's my best attempt at studying Hector's character, and you can see the style improving, and I still think I did a good job with the long flashback character.

[idyllwave]

Eeek! Act one is doneeee!! Congratulations!🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉. Wahh, you did ittttttttt

I still can’t believe y/n likes Jing yuan after this, bruh 💀💀 and geppie too. I would literally tackle him head first the moment I saw him. I would turn him into Gepard powder, out of everyone I expected to betray y/n geppie was not one of them. This is gonna be personal.

I’d also slap Jing yuan, like mtfkr, you think that’s enough to appease me???

I think blade is the only person I feel bad for, yk, he loved y/n and he just had to watch so lonely on the side lines 😭😭😭. I’m sorry for slandering you bladieeeeee.

And Sunday only using 0.00001% of his brain power?

——

I didn’t really understand the last chapter 😭😭😭. Maybe cuz I gobbled it up to fast?? Can you explain in it monkey language for me plsssss.

——

And thank you for the song recs!! I’ll be sure to listen to them while I work/study/ travel.

——

You don’t also need to bust out the wallet for “Who made me a princess” you can read it at vyvy manga for free but it is illegal so if you want to support the artist and writer, buy the comics but I don’t want you to feel that the money went to waste in case you don’t like the story. So ye, maybe try out the first few chapters on vyvy manga?

——

Webtoon is also free and legal! Though there’s a fast pass system where you can buy webtoon currency and use them to read ahead of chapters.there’s also a free option but all the manhwas there update like once a week. 😭😭😭.

I think “who made me a princess” is a really good beginner manhwa work to start since everything is pretty sweet and the storyline is good. You can also read the novel version.

I would sort of leave “your throne” for later since it’s a little bit graphic. Not as in r*pe or anything but it’s super bloody. Though I think the good plot compensates for it.

Another easy to read is “Beware of the villainess”. It’s comedy and literally peak crack manhwa. If you’re interested, you can see the trailer for it on the tapas channel I think?

——

I hope you have a fun time reading and again, congrats on finishing🎉🎉🎉. Mwah, gud nighttt!

Y/n may not like yuan like that just yet which is why she didn't say yes to his proposal. (He has to prove himself first) though, there is always a chance she ends up with someone else (looks over at a certain general and guard who deserves some screen time)

Gepard deserves an redemption arc cause y/n won't let it slide either (even though technically geoard doesn't remember anything of what had happened)

Both Blade and Sunday deserve a break me thinks

-

Lol, when I need someone to dumb something down I say "can you write it in crayon" XD

Anyway, so basically at the beginning y/n died again, but Jing Yuan went so far back in time that je prevented Robin's death, but instead of Robin dying y/n died in her stead. (You know like that one trope where if you save one person the other will die or vice versa). Then, y/n woke up a brand new day with a new life ahead of her. So basically Jing yuan didn't become some evil emperor, sunday is alive with his sister, and everyone came to see y/n.

And jy wants to get back with y/n (the right way) but of course she won't make it easy for him (or may not even end up with him at all)

-

No problem!!

-

I honestly don't like reading on illegal sites 😭, tbh, I really like supporting the author and if I don't like the first volume I can always give it to my friends (they eat that stuff up!!!) But I'm sure I'll like it 😌

-

And sadly I'm the type who likes physical copies 😭 the only stuff I'll read online are fanfics 💀 idk why I am this way, but it's just how I am 😭😭

Tbh, I don't really mind the graphic stuff (unless it's like super bad) but I haven't read anything like that except for this one time *shivers* that book still sits on my shelf unfinished.

But anyway! I do plan on checking out the ones you recommended!

-

Thanks! Act Two will certainly be starting (hopefully) soon!!!

[the-pen-is-mighty-and-so-are-you]

An opening message

Why am I doing this? That’s the question behind the eyes that stare at these arbitrary letters appearing onscreen. Why am I writing this blog? Why do I want to do this? What is the outcome I want? Who am I? Why am I?

And, as you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Shit, not another existential crisis.”

(Same.)

But I’m asking this to myself, me, that person in the mirror (figuratively speaking, I’m looking at a laptop right now), because I have been meaning to get round to writing this blog for fucking ages, and has it happened? No. Why? Well, the issue in question seems to be the issue I have with everything I procrastinate – making too big a deal about it.

I’ve been having grand visions of this blog, you see. It may seem silly, on this free real estate site of chaos, but I have been reaching high up on the shelf of expectations when it comes to crafting my posts. My overall goal: Get out there as writer, demonstrate that I can write things.

To put it explicitly, I want to do a PhD, and it’s handy if you can show that you have the capability to take time and write something that could be published. I.e., you have a link you can send prospective supervisors and go, “Here it is! The proof that I can stick it out for multiple years on a project!” The problem with that seems to be I’m writing this going, “Oh no, how is this possibly going to live up to any kind of scrutiny.” Boom, added pressure, creates impossible task, leads to months of procrastination.

And here we are.

Once again, I’ve found the answer lies in saying, effectively, “Fuck it.” I say again because, asterisk moment, years ago I experienced crippling procrastination when it came to creative writing projects, and found the only way to overcome that was to channel my need for expression into what I named a ‘Fuck it Diary’. The rule with it is, there are no rules (I’m sure that’s a famous quote from somewhere); you just write whatever you want, however you want, in brightly coloured pen, drawing doodles, sticking in bits from your day, and brainstorming at random. What’s that, you say? That actually sounds like a mishmash between a junk journal and a bullet journal? We as humans can never possibly have an original thought?

Mayhaps, that could be the case, but sometimes it’s just a matter of reframing something so that it works for each of our quirky brains. For me, saying “Fuck it,” is about letting go of all the pressures I’ve put on something, it’s about moving on from a state of inertia to actually doing the thing, forgetting about the little perfectionist squawking from the dark corner of my own brain and reaching for just any standard, because any standard of a completed action is better than a lack of standard due to an incomplete action. Write that shitty first draft. Write shitty first blog posts. Because then at least, you’ve started the thing.

So, here’s my thing. I have a few aims with this, it’s really a way for me to keep in touch with my academic side and talk about things I find interesting. Oh, I’m an anthropologist, I forgot to mention! (shitty first draft, what can I say) Actually I’m not sure if I can call myself that as I currently work at Tesco, but I did spend five years studying the subject and have so far done two research projects. I’m hoping to talk about all that a whole lot more in upcoming posts, including explaining what social anthropology is, so I have a handy link I can send to questioning relatives.

My other thing is, I’m working on a novel, although I’m verrrrry early on in the writing-the-first-shitty-chapters, still-got-a-fuck-tonne-of-research-to-do, phase, so I might also talk about that.

Er, yeah, I think that’s everything. I was hoping for this blog to be a lot more formal, to be in more academic language, and maybe I’ll have a go at that further down the line, but for now, I’m enjoying this style of bishboshing out on the keyboard whatever I’d say to a close friend. Yeah, ‘bishbosh’. Did I mention I’m British?

Anyway, take care, reader. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, and that this post possibly encouraged you to say “Fuck it” about something (If it did, pray tell). Until next time!

[the---hermit]

hello cris! i would love to ask as someone who is currently learning a language (i'm currently trying to learn italian again for the nth time) what are your favorite techniques when it comes to learning a language? i've been trying to study italian for two years now but i always end up giving up immediately 😭🫶🏻

Hello anon!

Firstly I had a vague memory of talking about this before and I checked my masterlist so in case you want to read more here is another similar ask I answered to a while back and here an ask in which I meanioned a few italian fiction books for people who are learning. I'll be honest I did not reread those and I don't remember what I wrote lmao. But you have some more reading to do after this just in case!

At the moment the main language I am very slowly trying to learn is Irish. But I will be honest it's more a free time hobby than actual studying. In the sense that I don't have a schedule for it and I have ups and downs in which I am able to focus a bit more, and times like the past few months in which my energy is nowhere to be found so I do very little progress. The main way I am dping this is with duolingo, which I feel is a great way to start and to keep a tiny bit of practice in your everyday life which is fundamental. Of course if you want to have more progress I would suggest coming up with a more structured study plan and schedule, but I'll talk about it in a bit. The other thing I am implementing is a grammar book that of course is what requires more mental energy. My technique with that is, as everything I study, to read it, underline important things and write my own set of notes. That is because I know it is my main way of learning in general.

And with this we come to a important point, before getting into learning anything try to figure out what are the ways you learn things best. Everyone's brain works differently, I personally have awful memory and my brain works way better using logic (which is why the way duolingo is structured works wonders for me, because it forces me to learn grammar rules with logic and it repeats vocabulary so much that even I end up memorizing it). Writing notes down, even several times, is my go to way of learning in general so of course I focus a lot on that. Clearly with learning a language you also need to implement a lot of practice, which is way I recommend trying out a well made plan. This doesn't mean create insane goals that will make you feel overwhelmed. Instead create a low effort plan in which you regularly do a bit of everything:

Learn vocab and practice it

Learn new grammar rule and practice them

Work on booktext esercises

Active learning with a book

Active learning with a video

These are just some ideas. When I self studied english what really made me learn the language was active learning by immersing myself with the language. That forces you to learn. Watch youtube videos in italian (I am pretty sure there's some people who make specific videos for language learnera in which they speak slowly and focus on certain vocab, so I highly recommend those, but when you feel more comfortable with the language go for pure entertainment, that will have you learn actual spoken Italian which is of course different from textbooks). Approach the language with written texts with either children's books or those novels simplified for language learning (those are great because you often get exercises to practice how much you understood of the story).

I know I have probably mentioned it before, but the first way I got into self studying English when I was younger was by writing down lyrics to my favourite album. I think I have it lying around still, a notebook filled with the lyrics to all the songs from Imaginaerum by Nightwish next to the translations. Listening to music in your target language is such a good trick imo. Take my brother, the guy does not speak one word on English but he knows by heart all the lyrics to Iron Maiden songs all.of.them. he never really had to practice English but if he had to I would suggest he started there. The more you get your target language into your daily life the better it is, and I don't mean just learning from books. Force yourself to describe the room you are in in your target language, write about your days in a diary and do that in your target language. When you are waiting in line list all the words that come up to you in your target language. It's hard at first, of course it is, but with time it gets easier and easier. The final goal is to be able to think in your target language, even if the grammar isn't perfect and it takes a long time to remember the correct words.

Think of yourself as a young child. They are learning languages like you, starting from zero, so focus on things that are for them, books and movies. You cannot expect to learn a language like a native speaker of your age right away, they have years of experience speaking it. If you instead think of yourself as a kid you will approach things that are at your current level, and after you can move on from there.

I think the goal is to make a plan and to fit even the tiniest bit of language learning into your everyday life. The progress might be slow but you are training your brain anyway. When you see something isn't working change it up, give yourself reachable goals, and keep it fun.

I hope this was somewhat helpful! If you have any other questioms my inbox is always open. Buona fortuna!

[alph4m00n]

My... Future?

BGM - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyMJ4FhYiEw 

It was just another day, sitting at the usual cafe studying. Well, aside from the fact that I felt a disturbance in the force lol.

“Yo!” someone said behind me, a hand on my shoulder.

I turn around and see that it’s just Mori. “Oh, hey.”

“Whatcha doin?” she asked, peering over my shoulder.

“Just some differential equations.”

“Ooooh, you’ve always been good at those things haven’t you?”

“No, not really. I’m just lucky I can learn most things faster than other people.”

“That’s a humble way to brag.” she smirked, smacking my head.

“Ow. Please stop smacking my head already. It’s abuse. I don’t know how I haven’t gotten brain damage yet.” I replied, rubbing the sore spot.

“Alright, alright. Chill if I do some work too?” she said, sitting in the chair next to me.

“Do some work or just doomscroll again?”

“Busted.” she giggled, pulling out her phone.

I continued doing my problems, with the silence occasionally broken by her laughing and poking me.

“Hey.”

“Hello.”

“I did actually come here to ask you something.”

“Oh? That’s rare for your brain to be working.”

“True” she laughed. “Anyways, I wanted to ask: Why do you wanna be an engineer?”

“Didn’t I tell you before? I can tolerate working with circuits, so I just decided to do this for a living and then travel when I have enough money.”

“Yeah that’s what you told me at first, but you know that’s not true too, right?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, putting down my pencil.

“Well, you said all you’ve done all of your life is follow your brother’s footsteps right? And from what you’ve told me, this is basically your first time making your own decision. You’re still sticking to your family’s given path though.”

“Right. Where exactly are we going with this?”

“Basically what I’m trying to ask is: Do you really want to be an engineer?”

“I don’t really know. All I know is that this pays above average and I can live comfortably while working.”

“You know you can’t work in an office environment.”

“I do, but I can just power through.”

“It’s ok to do something that you truly want to do yanno?”

“But... what do I want to do?”

“You’ve never had to make a choice, and now that you’re finally in charge of your life, you don’t know what to do with it. How’s that?”

“I guess you being a psychology major is fate? You’re not wrong though, you’re good at this.”

“Thanks.” she said with a smug grin.

“So where do I go from here? It’s not like I can just figure out what I want to do.”

“Maybe you should take a year off and figure out what you really want to do. But if you’re really lost, I think your writing is really good and there are a lot of other people that think the same.”

“It’s not something I can just do though, and making it as a writer takes actual skill, not what I have.”

“You’re always like this yanno, so pessimistic. It’s ok to have an ego yanno. Also, weren’t you writing that visual novel with your friend?”

“Oh yeah that, it just keeps getting put off because I just never end up having the time to write out everything. I’ve gone through three stories already because I just lose the motivation to write for that story. Short stories are the easy way out.”

“Then just take the gap year! I’ll do the art for your visual novel at a discounted price!”

“Haha, thanks Mori. I’ll have to go talk with my family though.”

“Yep, yep! Do that first! Let me know how it goes!”

“But, do you think they’ll just accept that I want to quit college for a year?”

“Well, from what you’ve told me about them, I think they’ll be ok with it? They seem pretty chill to me, so I think you’ll be fine!”

“Well, first boss to beat is my brother, so let’s do that...”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just... suddenly I’m scared to even confront them.”

“Why? There’s nothing to be scared of yanno.”

“Right, yet I’m still held back by this fear.”

“I’m here if ya need me, but this you’ll have to do yourself. I won’t interfere too much with this. It’s familial matters after all.”

“T-Thanks...”

After some texting between my brother and the family, along with some procrastination along the way, I am officially no longer an engineer.

“I-It’s over. I-I’m free.” I cried.

“It’s ok, you’ll be alright, I know it.” she said, putting my head on her shoulder.

“T-Thank you.”

“Just let all the stress out. You’ve been holding it together for a few years too long.”

We sat in the empty cafe with only sniffling and machines humming filling the silence. The owner brought over two cups of tea to the table after I gathered myself, “Congratulations. Now here comes the hard part, Kira. Now you have to find who you want to be. Not what other people want you to be, what you want yourself to be. It took me two decades and it led me to this little cafe in my hometown. If you ever feel lost, feel free to come by and we can have a talk. An old man’s wisdom, you can call it.”

“Thank you, Mr. Tanaka. I’ll remember that.”

“Isn’t that great, Kira! You basically have a mentor now!”

“I feel... so free. Like I’ve finally let go of the burden that I always carried.”

“Right? Now go do you’ve wanted to do for all these years!”

“I’ll get started on those novels first, and I’ll keep writing for the handful of fans I have out there. I don’t know if I should tell them about this though... I have been open with pretty much most of my life with them.”

“Up to you! It’s your private life after all, you don’t have an obligation to tell them.”

“Yeah, you’re right. When I feel like it’s time to tell them, I guess.”

[dreams-shape-reality]

Why I chose to self-publish my novel in order to become an author

For about 15 years now my big dream was to become a published author, and of course I wanted to be traditionally published, why? Because my favorite author at the time had been traditionally published so I thought that was the only way, and my way to make things happen.

At that moment I used to look up to J.K. Rowling, not so much anymore but I won’t go into detail as is not important for this particular article. The thing is, I used to dream about getting a great publishing deal and get my book to be a bestseller and even be turned into a movie! It all sounded great, and I was in cloud 9 as I started writing my first novel.

By the time I finished I knew I had something good, after all it was the most important project I had finished until that point, and I was (and still am) incredibly proud of myself. I started researching all the things and steps that I needed to get the agent of my dreams, I even tried to be somewhat active on (then) Twitter even though I never liked that platform, and I still don’t.

The thing is, I sent over 100 queries, all after editing I don’t know how many times following the advice of my beta readers, and nothing. Only one agent was interested enough to ask for a partial, and that was it.

If I’m really honest, it broke my heart in a deeper way than I was expecting, in fact I couldn’t write again for almost two years because I thought I was a farce, and deeply unqualified. I mean, I had tried my best, and I was also writing on my second language, ripping my brains out to create something worth reading, and the agent world pretty much told me “no thanks.”

Now, I know that we as writers are supposed to have “thick skin” whatever that means, but at the moment I didn’t know I had ADHD, and we usually take things to heart, whether it be jokes, rejections and other forms of humor or lighthearted fun at our expense. So when it rained, it poured, and the storm didn’t seem to end.

Years later I decided to re-read my work, and I had to admit, it wasn’t up to part with other books I’ve read. The language was way too simple, and my structure was all over the place. This didn’t help my imposter syndrome, but I also knew that recognizing my past mistakes only made me a better writer today.  So after dwelling over things for a long time, I started my second novel, this time a YA Fantasy inspired in the city I live in and in some of my experiences (with magic of course).

Do I think it’s better than the last one? Absolutely. Did it still get rejected? Yes.  This time I sent query letters to close to 60 agents, and even when some of their rejections where really nice; better than the time before. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to go through the same thing again. After all “the publishing industry is very subjective, and there are many agents out there with many different tastes.” That’s what almost all of them say anyway.

But often times it does feel like chasing butterflies. You’re hopeful you might get lucky, but in the end you never now, no matter how good your “net” is. And there’s a simple reason why. Let’s say you’re in a field, and there are one hundred amazing and beautiful butterflies. You’re ready, you got all you need, you even studied their preferences and everything else.

But the thing is, by the time you get to that field (the so called query trenches), you’ll see that there are other people there too… so many people. They can be 500 hundred, or one thousand, if not more. And all of them are as well prepared as you. And while you’re there trying your best, more and more people (querying writers) appear, and the butterflies (literary agents) start to diminish in numbers.

Some of them fly very close to you, only to, at the last moment, go away. Now image doing this for weeks or even months. It’s truly exhausting and soul draining. After all, you get to watch others catch their dream agents, or also get ignored over and over.

I never before considered self-publishing, because is just not “as-well seen” as trad-publishing. Many have the idea that self-pub books simply cannot be good, or as good as agented novels. I mean, they were rejects, right? Wrong.

Many self-published authors spend years bettering their craft and understanding their market. And we also have more control over our work. I’m not gonna lie, the advance (money) you get from getting an agent and a publisher was one of my biggest reasons to go traditional. But right now things are so different from what they were years ago. And (to my knowledge) that advance that used to be at times so good, it’s not so anymore. I really depends, I guess.

So, here I am, mind made up and going to self-publish, no more chasing butterflies. This time I’m making a boat and sailing on it. It’s all in my hands and on the booktook and author community. People like me that believe in their dreams, and fight to make them come true. Dreamers with an iron will.

I will be talking a bit more about my novel, and the whole process of self-publishing on later articles.

I hoped you enjoyed this one, or at least were entertained by it. If you’re also on your way to self-publish, I wish you nothing but luck and success.

....

Please help me sharing or commenting, everything is appreciated!!

You can also buy me a coffee 🎁