#my existence feels like a cry for help that everyone’s sick of hearing i just want to be understood and supported

[x-itzzzzzz-x]

i think i should go back to therapy

[yuribalisms]

promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

[ofherpinkways]

I҉̡̯̺̜̅́͋̃͢͜n̸͐̈́͟͟͝ M̶̶҉̳͈̺͟͢͠͠ͅȳ̸̵̩̜͔͍̔́͟͟͢͡ R̴҉̷̨̖̮̉͑ͯ̑̋͟͠o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝o҉̢̡̲͇̌͗̀͢͝m̴̵҉̸̲̗̰̼͗͌̃̇͟͟͟͠͞͠

( My friends and I giggle about how the "Love ", "In my room " part sounds like Stewie Griffin singingI tried my best yall - 🤍🩰🧸)

cod men x fem reader fic based off the song(Warnings blood,gore,violence,please beware of the lyrics as they may cause triggers)

*tap* *tap* *tap* "Are you gonna let me in ?*tap* Hello? Hello ? "

You died two years ago on a mission , just "simple" way to go , getting caught in the across fire. "Just the wrong place,wrong time" they said

2:45 and the bell went off,thank God

Many people think i'm odd

He hasn't acted the same since, how could he ? You were the love of his life. The small flame of hope in his darkness and trauma. Now you're gone 6 feet under the below rotting way

But I talk with no one and I walk alone

And I avoid sunlight with a chalky tone

I get home and I don't say hi,it ain't no one there

He stopped talking to everyone completely , shutting everyone out as he rebuilt the walls. The walls that you were helping him break down. Instantly going to his dorm after every mission without saying anything

I don't care,I walk and go right up the stairs

To my room,get in bed and I just wait for dark

He sits in his dorm for hours on end lost in dark thoughts

Because that's when the real show starts

(Tap,tap) tap,tap on the glass go the piece of ass

He eventually started seeing things , YOU. He started showing up about year after your death

So young and pretty ,it's too bad she passed

There you stood again pale and cold

But she comes to my room and we talk at night

You've been showing up every night for about two months now

She's demonic and bloody but she holds me tight

Obviously it wasn't actually you. You stand there lifeless with glossy eyes and a sinister,stomach turning grin .(like the one smiles in Smile 2022) He didn't care

In my bedroom,with her,I'm never alone

And I kiss her cold lips until the morning comes

You guys spend the nights in heated make out sessions

Then she gone,I can still hear her voice loom

But she only exists in the dark of my room

Love,I can't ignore you

In my room

Do anything for you (tap,tap)

Love,I do adore you

He became obsessed

In my room

(Tap,tap go the piece of ass) you and I

I try and smile a lot but I'm always frontin'

But I do love a ghost and at least that's somethin'

She don't talk much and when she does,it gets cold

3:00 am now and the whole Base grows cold , nothing feels right

Usually we just lay there,where we hold we each other

We're lovers, we don't need others

The two of you stay snuggled against another

One of my mother's cats jumped up on the covers

And it scared my baby,'cause she don't like pets

The k-9's started to bark loudly outside of the barracks not liking the dark eerie presence in the air , causing you to leave him

So I twisted its fuckin' head off at the neck

"Look baby,it's bloody,it's gone,it's doomed

"please! come back to the room"

"I'll do anything for thee,don't ignore me"

This is more than a sick love story

There he sat begging and crying for you to return

Without you,I'd bring a shotgun to school

And I will if you want me to,for any reason

I hate that you leave when the lights come on

And if I had it my way the fuckin' sun would be gone

Love, I can't ignore you

In my room

Do anything for you (tap,tap)

Love, I do adore you

In my room

Tap,tap go the piece of ass) you and I

Love, I can't ignore you

In my room

Do anything for you (tap,tap)

Love,I do adore you

In my room

(Tap,tap go the piece of ass) you and I

He just wants you back

Sometimes I kiss her,I start shakin'

Your demonic self has him on a choke hold

She slips me the tongue and it tastes like bacon

There the two of you sit kissing in the dark,footsteps are near by

Uh-oh,something's wrong, baby's upset

you pulled away from him,your frown shifting to smirk

She told me she was spotted by the neighbor's kid

She can't come back now.'cause they know our secret

Unless I can make them keep it

One of the other guys "saw" you

If i do, she may come back to life

Now I'm in their yard with a shotgun and knife

Cut the screen,went and sun the kid

Blew a bowl of spaghetti in the side of his head

He got up and out of the dorm,pinning his own teammate,his own friend to the wall bashing his head against the brick wall in fit of rage

Then the daddy was next,next runnin down

He went after everyone else

I shredded his throat and he was quick to fall,tossed the Mossberg and gribbed the knife

Started stabbing the shit of his wife

One by one he got to everyone

Went home a bloody mess with a job well done (tap,tap)

Wash up and wait for my baby to come (tap,tap)

He cleaned himself up and sat in his bed waiting for you

Love, I can't ignore you

In my room

Do anything for you (tap,tap)

Love,I do adore you

In my room

(Tap,tap go the piece of ass) you and I

Love, I can't ignore you

In my room

Do anything for you (tap,tap)

Love,I do adore you

In my room

(Tap,tap go the piece of ass) you and I

There he sat waiting

I waited two, or three days, four days

Waitn' for the tap tap like always

Days passed and you still haven't shown up yet

I waited and hated this

I created a bloody mess

Guilt started to hit him

I waited for two, or three months, four months

Waitn' for the tap,tap just for once

I waited two, or three days, four days

Waitn' for the tap tap like always (where is she?)

I waited and hated this(why isn't she comin' back ?)

I created a bloody mess (tap,tap)

Worry started to hit him

I waited for two, or three months, four months(I fuckin' killed those people!)

He killed his teammates, his friends

Waitin' for the tap,tap just for once ("where the fuck is she ?")

I waited and hated this (tap,tap)

I created a bloody mess(why isn't she coming back?)

(Love) I waited two or three days,four days

GUILT

(In my room) waitin 'for the tap,tap like always (I can't believe I did)

WORRY

(Love) I waited and hated this

GUILT

(in my room,you and I)I created a bloody mess ("I killed them")

WORRY

(Love) I waited two or three months, four months

(in my room) waitin' for the tap,tap just for once ("where is she")

GUILT

(Love) I waited and hated this

(In my room you and I) I created a bloody mess

He went insane

[iaintlithuanian]

Hurt || Damon Salvatore x Human!Reader

Summary: Damon was known for having a short fuse, even going as far as to kill Jeremy,but he never thought he would ever do anything to you.

Warnings: physical abuse (one off but still bad!), swearing,

My requests are open! Feel free to ask for anything!

Master list

—————————————————————

As a human, you think your at the top of the food chain. And you are. That is until you find out about the supernatural. Vampires, werewolves, witches. But in reality that is a whole other chain. And you as a human are at the bottom. Unlike Matt you would die to be a vampire, it had been a dream since you were a child. And now that you know of the supernatural it would be handy to be one, considering it puts you at risk when you get caught up in the drama. Especially when your dating the eldest Salvatore brother. Your at risk constantly, and it’s not like Damon would have a problem with turning you, just everyone else does. Long story short, your a weak human on a team full of the supernatural. You think of this regularly, mostly when your waiting for Damon to arrive home. Which is what your doing now. The tv draws you away from any other thoughts as an interesting topic comes up.

———————————————————————————–

Your head snaps to the door as you hear it open. A smile spreads across your face seeing Damon walk through the door, but straight past you and to the liquor. No “hey baby” or any sign of acknowledgment. He just walked straight past you as if you hadn’t existed. Your face dropped as you turned to look at him from the sofa. He was pouring a whole glass of bourbon instead of the usual half.

“Bad day?” You question your head tilting slightly to the right. He gulped the drink down in one go and began pouring another, completely ignoring your question. “Damon?” You tried catching his attention again. “You alright?” You furrowed your eyebrows, trying to figure out what could be wrong apart from the usual drama. “You gunna answer or leave me guessing?” He glances at you with cold eyes, his expression darkening as he took a swig of his second glass, then swallowed the rest and beginning to pour his third glass. “Isn’t that a bit much-”

“Will you just shut up!” He screamed, taking a few steps forward. You flinched and stood up, your face hardening not about to let him talk to you like that.

“Excuse me?” You inquired, moving around the sofa to stand in front of him, letting him know he doesn’t intimidate you. “I was just asking if you were ok!” You argued pointing a finger at his chest. “Get you head out of your own ass for one second please!” You begged sarcastically, and saw his face twist in anger.

“I don’t need you looking out for me! Just leave me alone for one second!” He screamed in your face, “god your so god damn clingy! It’s like your stuck by my fucking side 24/7!” You felt your face extort into a sad expression. Tears welled in your eyes at his words. You just cared about him was all! He began to laugh “wow! Now your fucking crying! Get over yourself! You aren’t that important!” He took a few steppes forward, you mimicked his actions but backwards till you were up against the sofa. “You know who is more important than you right now?” He seethed, and you knew who he was going to say, and it was true but it was still going to hurt. “Elena!” he dragged dragged out her name and he pointed a finger at your chest. “You” he paused, knowing Damon, probably for effect. “You mean nothing right now! Klaus isn’t after you! And you can’t help anyone! Even Donovan is more useful than you!” He laughs slightly at the end of his exclamation. You frown.

“You just drunk, you don’t mean that.” You murmur but you know he heard you.

“Oh I mean it, I’m sick of you.” He says slowly.

“Your such a fucking liar!” You scream suddenly, taking him back for a second and you decide to play the only card you can, even though it’s over between him and Elena, you know he had his doubts about their relationship. And this was an all time low for you to go but he had hit a nerve.”you’ll are and always will be the bad guy! No matter how hard you try!” You get in his face, his expression hardens and more and her seeped into his eyes. “That why Elena never loved you not even Katherine did, it will always be Stefan, who knows maybe I’ll go to him next! Seems every girl ends up with him instead of you!” You would never be with Stefan, he was like a brother to you, but it would work in your advantage. But his next actions were unpredictable even to you.

Suddenly you were smashed into the wall Damon in-front of you holding your wrists above your head. You couldn’t feel your hands from the searing pain in your wrists, your eyes welled up as he looked at you with pure hatred.

“Shut the fuck up.” He seethed.

“Damon” you whimpered, he didn’t listen. “Damon let go!” You begged but it didn’t faze him. “Damon your hurting me! You cried and you saw his eyes soften but his grip remained tight. “Damon! Let go it hurts!” You tried to tug yourself free. His grip loosened and he backed away.

“Baby?” He tested, watching as you winced touching your wrists. “I’m so sorry I don’t know what came over me I had a bad day and then you wouldn’t stop talking-” you cut off his rambling.

“That’s no excuse” you muttered your face contorted in pain.

“I know” he stated looking at you with sympathy. “Can I see?” He whispered. You nodded and walked closer to him. He took your hands in his and studied to already deep bruises. “Y/n im so sorry” se muttered kissing your wrists gently. He knew it would take a lot for you to forgive him and become comfortable and feel safe around him again but he was willing to try. “Can you forgive me?” He looked into your eyes.

“yeah. But it might take some time okay?” You asked and he pulled you into his chest.

“I’m willing to wait”

[lbulldesigns]

AITAH FOR GHOSTING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS, FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

Posted 7th of January, 2024

Disclaimer: mentions of self-harm, violence, and attempted suicide.

Please bear with me. This post will be long.

I (21f) have been estranged from my family for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that my family aren't bad people. They were never abusive, and they did care for me, but they could never understand me or the full extent of my issues.

Some background. When I was around five, my sister (26f), we'll call her V, and I witnessed our parents' death at the hands of some trigger-happy Enforcers. We don't know why they decided our parents deserved to die, but they did, and we were left orphaned when the authorities couldn't find any other family to take us in.

We bounced around in the system for a while, fearing being torn from each other at any moment, before a family friend was able to foster and then officially adopt us. Our AD (adoptive dad) was a godsend, he was and still (to my knowledge) is the most patient and gentle man I know. Despite looking like a wolf LOL.

Along with gaining a new father we also gained two brothers (twin 23m) the older twin (C) takes after our dad, Kind and patient. The younger twin (M) however is a little nasty bitch, who took upon himself to make my life in particular an ongoing hell. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. It felt like not a day would go by when he wasn't putting me down and treating my existence like it was something insignificant. He never had a problem with V, just me.

For the first six years everyone else would defend me, put him in his place, and overall hold him accountable but at some point, they stopped holding him accountable and just expected me to grow a thicker skin. I still remember the day when I went crying to my sister and rather than comfort me, just rolled her eyes and asked if I could maybe not take him seriously because she needed to finish her group project. To her credit, she apologised for that but it was hard to rely on her after that.

Long story short, M made my home life unbearable, and I had bullies at school that made it unbearable. Especially once I was in high school and my best (and only) friend started making friends of his own. I want to say that I was cool with this, but in reality, I turned into an absolute brat and refused to get along with any of them. I wish I didn't, but I just couldn't help but feel betrayed and genuinely acted on those emotions.

And this is how I was with everyone. Constantly betrayed and acting out. It was no wonder everyone I knew got sick of me.

My Dad was constantly worrying about me.

My older brother avoided me as much as possible, to avoid my outbursts.

My sister was just constantly swinging between feeling guilty, angry, and just done with my constant outbursts. Especially when these outbursts were directed at her girlfriend, who constantly talked about how she wanted to be an Enforcer to protect others (take a wild guess why I couldn't like her). V even slapped me for something I said (I can't remember what) to her GF that made her cry.

And my best friend... hates me.

It's my own fault, obviously.

What led to the title of my post is this.

I told my (former) best friend that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and he just raged at me. Apparently, he was seeing someone and thought that I was pulling something in order to break them up. He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't know he was in a relationship (I genuinely didn't know) but he wouldn't hear it and called me an AH and said he was done with me.

I felt humiliated and heartbroken, when I got home that day I was crying and M was the first person, unfortunately, who I came across. And the first thing he does is scoff and roll his eyes, and said "fucking crybaby".

I don't fully remember what happened, I blacked out, but I remember my dad pulling me off of M and his face was a bloody mess. I'm pretty sure that I broke his nose and then some, my dad was so angry. The angriest I've ever seen him; he actually shook me by the shoulders and demanded what was wrong with me. And when I couldn't answer, they told me to get out. Which I did.

I just bolted from the house, the sound of shouting behind me, and just kept running until I got to the Bridge of Progress.

I was just so empty and lost, and the water below looked so tempting. I was about to end it all when my guardian angel showed up.

Ez (21m) was walking by when he saw me about to jump and, without hesitation, climbed up next to me and asked what we were doing.

He saved me that day, without even trying. He listened to my whining and rather than offer me empty promises of "it'll be okay" instead said "girl you messed up. Wanna go on an adventure with me?"

We've been friends ever since.

I took him on his offer and went home to collect some things, when I got there the lights were off so I climbed up to my bedroom window and let myself in. I grabbed my clothes, some saved up cash, my laptop, and my documents (in case I needed them) and left a note for my family saying "bye".

And that was three years ago. I haven't been in contact with them, I don't follow them on social media, and I left my mobile behind so they were never able to get hold of me.

I completely and utterly. Ghosted them. And I don't entirely regret it.

In the last three years I have gained close friends, experienced new things, seen interesting things, and have felt well enough to actually want to seek therapy. My mental health improved greatly, although I still have issues but still am lot better than I was before.

However, I can't help but feel like an AH. My family weren't bad, just fed up. They are genuinely good people (even M) it's just that I bring the worst out in people. But recently I've been wondering if I should reach out or not.

What if doing so disrupts their lives? What if my leaving improved their lives?

I don't know.

AITAH if I reach out to my family after ghosting them for three years?

(This is a fanfic. Please read tags)

[whxre-bxby]

Fanfiction further down! Scroll!

Recom Mansk x Recom f. Y/N 

Masterlist

"Greeting Death With A Smile"

Summary: Mansk is present on the boat for the last fight against Sully and Neytiri. He gets wounded and thinks he’s going to die alone. Luckily you find him in time, but you don’t know if it’s already too late.

WARNINGS: uhm TEARS, ANGST, Death, Blood, Violence tiniest bit of sad fluff, I’M BALLING MY EYES OUT WHILE WRITING THIS I THINK THAT SAYS ENOUGH

(Like, read at your own risk cuz I’m in pain I miss him sm)

Word Count: 4102

If u wanna feel even sadder i recommend you listen to (When it‘s cold I‘d like to die alone) it helped me cry my eyes out to the point that the tears burned my skin :)

Quaritch was giving instructions while, Lyle, Z-Dog, Prager, Mansk, and I stood close and listened. We were the only recom’s that I knew were alive. All the others had since been killed but since new things always kept happening, we couldn’t let our guard down and there was no time to mourn. 

I had to run past Ja who lay lifeless on deck and it made me feel sick. I felt the urge to at least pull his body somewhere else but I knew we didn’t have time. 

We had two of Jake’s kids hostage here with us and the Colonel was trying to get him to turn himself in for his daughters. 

I sighed, not knowing whether I would live to see another day. I wasn’t even sure why I was doing this or whether I thought it was right. But as a marine, you’re taught to listen to orders, even if you don’t agree with them. Listen and obey. That’s how you become a good soldier. And definitely never doubt your superior because they know what they’re doing. 

Deep down, I did doubt it though. Not just Quaritch’s plan but this whole mission. Our existence. It was all still a big mess to me. 

“Hold fire!” Quaritch orders as we watch him and Spider dive back into the water. 

“He’s comin’.” he added, turning to me and another human soldier. 

I pin my ears back and hold back a shiver from the cold. My clothes were wet but ignored the feeling and focused on holding my weapon ready. 

“Let’s get this guy.” Quaritch said like it were the easiest thing in the world. My ears perk up. I listen even though I doubt. Even though I don’t understand, I listen. 

“It’s what we came here for.” the Colonel keeps talking, looking at everyone around him. 

I notice how all of us are no longer fully with him. Prager and I exchange looks but with no expression because we are both in denial of our doubts and worries. Pretending they aren’t real. 

Even Lyle doesn’t nod along to his superior's words like he usually would. He would always back up everything Quaritch said but now he just stared at the ground, holding his gun and letting the Colonel’s words go in one ear and out the other.

Mansk looks at us and I can tell he has the same problem. We aren’t convinced but what option do we have? We’ve already done so much harm here. Once again. There’s no turning back because we’re marked down as the enemy for every single Na’vi on this planet. 

We aren’t wanted here so we must listen. 

To be completely honest, when I look at Quaritch one may think he knows what he’s doing. But I also occasionally catch a glimpse of doubt in his eyes. As if he weren’t sure why he would want to do this. Maybe he isn’t. I know damn well most of us hate the humans we used to be but we can’t do anything about it. 

He claps his hands together and his confident expression returns. He tells us to take our places and I look at the ground before going to cover my area of ground. 

We waited in silence for Sully to arrive and within the next few minutes, something exploded on the top deck. Prager and Z-Dog ran up the steps while I stayed on the lower deck with the rest of the team which is also where our hostages were. 

My ears flick in multiple directions as I hear screams and I see Neytiri land on her Ikran. Her presence here meant death to many. Perhaps it would be me too. 

Bodies start falling and I run over to pull a few soldiers out of the fire. Quaritch retreated to take cover close to where the two kids were while Lyle and Mansk continued to cover their ground. 

Someone shouted ‘Eyes up’ and I saw Jake and Neytiri land on the lower deck now. That meant they wiped out the entire top deck already.

I see Lyle and Mansk still standing and am about to go to them when I hear a scream of agony behind me. An injured soldier covered in flames. Without thinking, I run to him, pulling him away from the oil-covered metal pole and helping him put out the fire on his leg. He’s missing his other one. 

He lets his body fall back and sighs a little in relief, seeming to not feel the pain of his missing leg due to shock. I know he won’t make it through this. There is no one here to help. Everyone is trying to live. 

Quickly, I turn around and that’s when I see Lyle get pushed over the rail by Jake who turns in the opposite direction of me. Mansk is no longer in sight. 

I leave the wounded man behind because he passed out and I wouldn’t be able to help him anyway. I also just happened to care slightly more for Mansk and Lyle. 

I jog over to a large red metal pole, keeping my gun raised an looking around. Maybe a recom was injured and needed aid or perhaps I could spot either Jake or Neytiri and get at least one of them down. 

I press myself against the side of the column, looking over my shoulder at the rail which Lyle fell down. His body looked limp as it fell, making my gut wrench. Probably nothing I could save. 

Suddenly I hear a distant shout. 

“Y/N!” the voice of the Colonel echoes through the blood-stained walls of the ship. 

I flinch and just as I go to turn around, my knee is kicked in and I’m hit in the head with the base of a gun. 

I fall forwards and my body summersaults over a rail. My movements stop for a split second until my weight rolls to one side and suddenly I’m falling again. I land on the hard ground with a big thud which sends immense waves of pain through my body. 

In a state of shock, I look up at the hole I was pushed in but no one is standing there anymore. 

Slowly I get up, holding my side. I can’t move properly. I think I broke or at least cracked a rib. The lights in here are broken and since only a few work, it’s very dim. 

I look up and notice I’m not alone. 

Mansk couldn’t comprehend what happened fast enough. His heart dropped when Jake pointed the gun at him but luckily he ran out of ammo. In the next second, he lost his balance and hit his head on a metal pole next to him, falling over it. He saw Jake take his gun and launch it away before his upper body started tilting back. 

His upper body was resting over what seemed to be a dent in the ground but as he slowly turned in pain, he realised it went further down. Mansk felt as though he was slowly falling through the ground but he couldn’t prevent it because his eyes kept blacking out. He saw how he slowly fell into darkness and his feet lifted into the air, falling with him into the void.

The sound of gunshots and shouts was distant now and he lay at the bottom of the hole he didn’t see before. Light reflected inside from the fire above but it wasn’t strong enough to help him see. 

He groaned in pain, slowly lifting his injured body off the ground and pushing himself against a wall so that he was sitting upright. Mansk saw his shades on the ground next to him and noticed they were broken. 

He once made a joke that he would die with them when Lyle teased him about constantly wearing them. Maybe it was time. 

His head would drop in the direction the ship tilted as he lay limp against the cold metal. 

Mansk shouted for help, calling out the names of the people he thought might still be around but there was no answer. No one heard him.

His vision became blurry and when he looked down he saw his abdomen was covered in a small puddle of blood. Whether it was his he didn’t know. 

But he wasn’t afraid he would die. This is how he imagined it. He knew very well that one doesn’t mourn death in the military on Pandora. Mansk was ready to close his eyes for the last time and die alone, in peace. After all, it was his fate. Even though he hadn’t accomplished his mission, this is what always awaited him. 

He lost track of time and seemed to be drifting in and out of consciousness every few minutes. What woke him up was a scream which came from right above him and a thud of a body which landed a few feet from Mansk. His eyes managed to open and he saw a blue figure. Blood pumped through his veins as the feeling of fear returned again but once he noticed the U.S uniform, he dropped his head back in relief. It wasn’t Jake or Neytiri. 

I whine out in agony as I straighten my posture and see Mansk sitting and leaning against a wall. My face brightens and for a second I forget about the pain. 

“Mansk!” I shout, leaning back down on all fours and hugging my waist while looking up at him. He lifts his head and his eyes widen when he sees me. 

“Y/N?” he asks, but his voice sounds weak. I smile, feeling relieved he’s alive and that I’m not alone. 

“Oh thank god, I thought everyone was-” I say, crawling over to him before my hand comes in contact with a small puddle of fluid. I want to shake if off my skin but when I glance down I notice its colour. It’s not water, it’s blood. And it’s not mine but his.

My heart sinks when my eyes move higher up Mansk’s body, noticing how his blood has drenched the clothes on his stomach. When I look up at him he’s gazing at me with half-lidded eyes. Just above them, a new trail of blood is forming and slowly drizzling down the side of his face. 

“Oh, Mansk…” I whisper, ignoring my own pain and kneeling next to him. His eyes follow me as I move around him and he looks weak and exhausted. I don’t think he can move much more than his head. 

“Where are you hurt?” I ask, gently lifting his arm to check whether the blood is coming from his side.

“I don’t know…” he whispers, barely moving his lips or jaw. His eyes occasionally close while I apply pressure to check where the pain is coming from.

I hear him hiss through clenched teeth and I gently return it to its previous position. “Sorry,” I whisper.

He breathes heavily through his nose, looking down at himself. I notice how the blood doesn’t seem to stop. 

“Come on, we need to get you back.” I softly say, lifting his arm over my shoulder. But I didn’t know how to get out of here, I was just hoping that the darkness would lead to a door which could lead us outside.

“No.” he breathes out and his body tenses. I freeze my movements and look at him. 

“You can’t stay here Mansk.” I say, trying to motivate him to see if he can get up. 

“I can’t move.” he whispers, biting down on his teeth as he tries to pull his arm from my shoulder. 

“Y/N, I can’t feel my legs…” His jaw trembles and his voice breaks a little. His words go straight to my heart, seeming to tear it in two.

I look away, furrowing my eyebrows together while I convince myself that there must be another way. Quickly, in hopes of helping him, I lean over his body and apply pressure on his big wound to try and stop the bleeding. 

I feel the corners of my eyes sting and my nose itch. The common sign that showed me I was about to tear up. 

Mansk sighed and when I looked up at him he was softly smiling at me. It wasn’t a happy smile, but an appreciative one. 

Mansk knew that what you were doing wouldn’t save him, but your attempt made him smile. Knowing you cared enough about him not to leave him behind warmed his heart as it slowed its beating. 

“Stop looking at me like that, I’m gonna get you out of here.” I say, having to look away because otherwise, I might just break down. But my words didn’t seem to convince Mansk at all. They just refreshed his fading smile. 

Even if we would somehow make it out of this room, our chances of dying were probably worse on deck because Jake and Neytiri were still there. And if they weren’t, there was no way we could get off this ship. We were both too wounded to fly our Ikrans. It wouldn’t work.

With the next inhale he tensed up and coughed while I steadied him and kept him sitting upright. His legs were motionlessly laying on the floor in front of him while his chest heaved. I noticed him cough out a few drops of blood which is what did it for me. Mansk wasn’t doing well and my hopes of him surviving were dying out. 

“Thank you…” he whispered as his cough finally retreated. I look up at him through glossy eyes, wondering what he meant. I wasn’t going to let him see me cry, because crying would be acknowledging that he wasn't going to make it. As long as I held them back, there was still hope in me. 

“I thought I’d-” he said, being cut off by gasping for air. “...die alone.” 

A smile formed on his lips again as his eyes remained fixed on my face. 

Mansk knew all recom’s were something close to friends but he didn’t think he ever had anyone close enough to him to stay with him through his last moments. He expected to be left behind somewhere, injured and no longer deemed as useful. 

“Come on Mansk, don’t give up on me.” I say, my forced calm voice breaking as I feel my bottom lip begin to quiver. 

“I’m glad you’re here…” he struggled to say, forcing the words out of his pained chest while keeping his faint smile. It was slowly fading again.

I gasp, pressing my lips together to not lose it. I reach for his limp and blood-stained hand and hold it between both of mine. Feeling how cold it is has me fighting back tears. 

I shiver from shock and pain. My broken rib was poking me and it hurt like hell.

"I can't save us." I whisper to myself, my voice trembling.

Suddenly, I feel how my legs are wetted and I look down, dreading to see blood but this time it is water. The room was slowly tilting to one side and the water was flowing in from the other side of the room. Mansk had noticed it too. 

“You-” he said before coughing up more blood and I lost it. “You need to go.” he said, his voice sounding pained and forced. I knew he was suffering but I couldn’t let him die here. 

“I’m not leaving you, Mansk.” I whisper, pressing his palm against my cheek. The tears blur my vision before spilling down my cheek, burning my skin a little. 

“You can- live.” he says, swallowing back a cough while he struggles to breathe. 

I clench my eyes closed, not wanting him to leave me as well. I knew Mansk for a long time and even though we were never really close, he had been a part of my life since I arrived on Pandora. We rarely talked but we knew we had each other's back and it didn’t cross my mind that I could lose him during this war. Now that I was face to face with the aftermath of violence, I was crumbling down. He meant too much to me, I couldn’t let him go. 

“Don’t worry about me.” I whisper, forcing a trembling smile onto my face. I point to the opening of the hole we fell through. “I’ll get out there.” I say and his eyes slowly drift from my face to the opening in the ceiling and then back to me. He doesn’t seem sure of it but he doesn’t question it any further. His movements become so faint that I notice his presence slowly fading away. Mansk’s eyes slowly unfocus from my face and I reach out and cup his cheek while tears continue to spill from my eyes. 

“Mansk-” I sob, trying to stay composed in front of him. He blinked, opening his slowly closing eyes a bit more and looking at me again. 

“... stay with me, come on.” 

My fingers gently tap his cheek while the water on the floor mixes with his blood. 

Mansk opens his mouth to say something but he can’t push out a single word and instead, he slowly struggles to inhale before closing his mouth again. 

I hold his palm against my chest, roughly where my heart is as I try to keep his attention on me. 

“Please, don’t do this to me…” I sob, clutching his hand. He stares at me and his eyes look sad but he can’t say or do anything. 

“Mansk, please you’re all I have left.” I cry out, dropping my head down before looking up at him. 

“Thank you…” he repeats and ever so faintly whispers. He was grateful I was by his side because in truth Mansk did want to live. Mansk wanted to wake up to the morning the next day and be with everyone else. But that wasn’t possible. Not only because he was slowly dying, but because everyone has had since probably died.

I rub my thumb over his cheek, trying to comfort him. He’s looking into my eyes and furrows his eyebrows together a little as if he were confused about whether my tears are actually for him. Like he didn’t think he was worth my pain. 

Mansk looked at me almost apologetically and his lips parted while he tried to get more air into his lungs. I couldn’t see his chest heaving anymore but I felt so mild air fanning from his mouth with small exhales. 

I bit down on my lip, watching him and needing proof of life every few seconds. 

He’s staring at me, grateful he wasn’t left alone and I notice how his eyes start to unfocus again. I gently tap his cheek, waiting for his eyes to readjust like they did last time but this time Mansk’s head is slowly falling to the side and into my palm. His eyes fade out and stare into nothing as they move from my face to the empty space behind me. His soft breath stopped fanning against my hand and his face was no longer contorted in pain or sorrow. It was blank and relaxed. 

Mansk’s hand slowly drifted off my chest and loosely fell on his lap.

I wanted to scream and call his name but all words got stuck in my throat and I held onto him while my mouth gaped open. Tears fell from my face onto his now lifeless and numb body. 

His blood continued to colour the rising water around me red. It had already overflowed his legs and reached up to his waist. 

I held on to his body, pressing my face against his shoulder and crying my eyes out. 

At this point, I had lost absolutely everyone and everything. We couldn’t return to family on Earth because we were Na’vi and now we had all lost each other. 

Z-Dog lay on the top deck with a bow in her hip and one in her face while the ship started to slowly sink. 

Prager lay on his side, motionless with a spear through his chest. 

Lopez’s body had now sunk to the bottom of the ocean after he was shot by an arrow. 

Walker, Zhang and Fike both had been shot down by arrows too.

Warren and Brown got an axe in their body.

Ja I had left behind after he was killed by the Tulkun. 

Lyle was floating in the water, struggling to stay above the surface.

I didn’t know where Quaritch was but I knew he couldn’t help me. 

And Mansk… lay bleeding out in front of me, lifeless and cold. His head was tilted to the side and I knew that he was gone. I could never talk to him again. I would never see him again. I know even if I survived, they wouldn’t retrieve his body and he would stay here and sink with the ship. 

The water was filling the room more rapidly now but I still clung on to Mansk, crying his name. 

I noticed his broken shades floating in the water and picked them up. 

Remembering how much he liked to wear them I steadied his head and carefully put them on him after closing his eyelids. He would have thanked me if he could have for this.

My body was shaking but I knew I was going to die here too if I didn’t leave soon. I get up and the water reached up to Mansk’s neck already. It was gushing in from a half-open door on the other side of the dark room. 

I look up, making sure the exit is still there but suddenly I see the water start flowing in from the top. The entire room is slowly turning over and the water flowing on deck has managed to push over the door which now completely closed off the hole we were in. 

The room gets a lot darker and the water is leaking in from the side and from the top. 

I groan out in pain through my sobs. I have tears staining my cheeks and my nose became runny and stuffed. This isn’t how I wanted things to end. We were finally starting to enjoy being alive on Pandora and now we died because our past selves made us finish something they couldn’t. 

I look back at Mansk and see that he is fully submerged in the water now. I cry out, hating how helpless he is and how helpless I feel now. My side aches even more and I clutch my broken rib, trying to bite back the pain. I wouldn’t be able to swim in this anyway. 

Within minutes, my feet are no longer touching the ground and my head is bumping against the ceiling. I’m crying out for help in pain but no one can hear anything over the noise of the flowing water. I wonder if anyone is still alive but I highly doubt it. There is a crack in the wall which is letting the oxygen in the room be replaced with water. I struggle to swim and keep my head above the surface. 

(Art)

But then I ask myself, why I’m fighting? There was no use to it. Everyone was gone and I was stuck and injured. 

I deeply inhale one last time before the entire room is submerged in water. My eyes open and I peer down at Mansk, who is lifelessly half laying at the bottom. 

Since I’m going to die I might as well join him there so neither of us has to be alone. 

I swim down with the last of my strength, watching how the last few bubbles of air escape his slightly parted lips. My hand once again reaches for his and I hold on to it for some form of comfort before I face upwards and let all the air I have to escape my lungs. 

I start choking and look at Mansk. The light specks on our skin were slightly illuminating the water but his were more faded. I looked closer and watched how the light slowly vanished from him, one dot at a time. 

It wasn’t long before I started drowning and a few minutes later, my lifeless, artificial blue body sunk down and joined Mansk on the floor of the ship.

Our bodies would stay here, most likely forever since all the death here was just a failed mission. 

The lights from my body had now disappeared too and we were dragged down to the bottom of the ocean along with the ship. All because some humans wanted us to finish what they couldn’t.

So there I lay, greeting death with a smile once again, in hopes of meeting Mansk someday and somewhere far from here.

(I'm going to try and make some art to this)

Tag List: @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @number1gal

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Thoughts on TBB 3x15

Here we go... one last time

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

Honestly thought I was going to be late to the episode but I actually work up at 8:01 am today so I am just a couple mins behind everyone else.

Am I prepared? Absolutely not.

Well that's an ominous noise. Always a good way to start 😰

The Kiner soundtrack is popping off as usual

I just need Hemlock to die

Indispensable? I'm not sure about that, mate. A lot of people have realised the Empire don't need them and I'm fairly certain you are on the list of people who can be ditched

Hahahahahaha the way the droid just starts looming behind her is kinda hilarious

OMEGA'S THEME 😭

Wrecker, bud, be careful...

Look at Omega sneaking around. She's so grown up! 🥲

ZILLOBEAST TIME

"Because that's exactly what I'd do" He's such a proud mum

THE WAY THE TROOPERS COME FLYING OUT OF THE FOG

"Clone Force 99 died with Tech`' well there goes my heart. I think this also explains why we haven't really heard the Batch theme since season 2. That theme was for CF 99 and if that doesn't truly exist anymore...

"It's what I deserve" CROSSHAIR DON'T DO THIS TO ME

"Echo's handiwork or Omega's?" "Omega's." I'M DYING

Omega's theme in this soundtrack is just 🤌

Oh great. We have a whole group of Clone Xs to contend with.

I just need all of the Batch together so that we can get the theme. I know I said earlier that we probably never got it because of a lack of Tech but I still stand by the fact that we deserve to hear it one last time.

These CX soldiers almost feel like a parallel to the Batch. One slightly larger, more hand-to-hand combat oriented soldier, one who fights with blades, a sniper, ONE WHO IS VERY TECH SAVVY 👀

WRECKER AAAAAAHHHH THIS IS NOT GOOD

NOT THE HAND

WTF?!

HELP

NO

THIS IS NOT GOOD 😰

Fuuuuuccckkk Echo's seen them down

"Causing chaos, Havoc 5?" HE'S STILL MAKING QUIPS IN THIS SITUATION I LOVE HIM

"Hey, kid. And... other kids." PLEASE 😭

"We'll meet you there" YOU BETTER DO

Echo and Omega teaming up is everything I ever needed ❤️‍🩹

Hemlock needs to die a slow, painful death

ECHO'S SPEECH FEELS LIKE THE SPEECH HE AND FIVES GAVE DURING THE ATTCK ON KAMINO I FEEL SICK

Rampart looking sus...

This feels like this isn't going as terribly as it could be and that scares me

Aw ☹️ bye, Nala Se. I never really loved you but it's sad to see you go

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU, RAMPART

AAAAAAAHHHH ECHO GOT STABBED

You know what I said 2 seconds ago about it not being terrible? I think I spoke too soon...

YES WRECKER

I'm not liking the position Echo is stuck in rn. That stresses me out 😥

We're not exactly in top form but hey, an attempt is being made

ECHO BE CAREFUL

Soooo... I get the feeling CX-2 isn't Tech...

AW NO SCORCH

FUCK YES!!! Bye Hemlock 👋

THE LOOK ON CROSSHAIR'S FACE WHEN SHE HUGS HIM AAAAAHHHH

Tarkin is not going to be a happy bunny

Oop we got a Project Stardust mention

THE SHOW ENDING WITH THEM ON PABU??? LIKE AN ACTUAL SOMEWHAT HAPPY ENDING???

I'm crying

Actually sobbing

That shot of them all sat by the tree 😭😭😭

A FUCKING EPILOGUE KMN

I can't breath

SHE REMINDS ME OF PHEE AAAAHHH

GONKY!!! 🥹

OLD HUNTER?!

Omega is joining the Rebellion? 🥺

Crosshair, Hunter and Wrecker all got to live to an old age in relative peace I'm in so many tears rn

Okay but if Echo isn't with the others at this point then where is he??? PLEASE TELL ME HE'S STILL AROUND

TECH'S GOGGLES?!

I'm not okay on any level

Okay, so overall, I'm relatively satisfied with the ending. I also cried about as much as I would have done if they all died so my emotions are still all over the place. Do I think every question we had came to a satisfying conclusion? Not quite. But I think we tied up enough loose ends for me to be content.

And I'm happy they got a somewhat happy ending. Knowing that they get to live a life in relative peace makes me happy, and we know that Hunter, Wrecker and Crosshair at least make it another few years. Omega joining the Rebellion also seems apt. As an Echo girly I unfortunately don't feel quite as secure with where we left off. I don't have the same level of closure that I do with the others because we know that around this point in time, he isn't with Rex. But he also isn't with the Batch either. I hope we get to see more of him in future projects because I don't quite feel satisfied with this being the end of his story. He's doing too much for it to stop there.

Also... we were wrong about Tech. The level of delusion we carried throughout this season, my god. 😭 But it means I'm confused by some of their choices. The way they focused on being savvy with technology, the way he moves being similar to Tech, FUCKING DOMICILE??? Like, they have to have known that we would all go that way with our theories so why??? If it wasn't him they why was he written the way he was? I refuse to believe everything we thought was purely out of delusion. Does this mean I have issues with the way Tech's story ended? Yes. But overall I think the show wrapped up fairly well.

I'll try and drop some more thoughts later down the line once I've pulled myself together a bit, but for now I can say that I am content. Completely satisfied? Not really, but definitely content.

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

Sevika with a Girlfriend in college

So sorry for the lack of updates, but in case you missed the announcement me and @abitohoney are working on a fic together! So I swear I’m still writing. Also, this is just a bit of a projection because college is kicking my ass

Sevika, being like a strict mother, especially if you keep complaining about all of the things you need to do. Asks you everyday, “you got any homework?” and refuses to let you procrastinate. She knows your routine; you wait until the last minute for a big assignment, somehow gain a mysterious ailment and do not feel like doing it, get so stressed you cry and don’t have a moment of peace until it’s finished. Rinse. Repeat.

“Stop fucking complaining. Sit down-hey. Sit. down. Read me two pages.”

Sev taking notes just so she can quiz you. Doesn’t accept shrugs as an answer. A little harsh when you get it wrong. Not that she’s disappointed, or judging you, but just because that’s her tone. And as one of the big bosses, she’s used to getting on someone’s ass until they do something correctly.

“Wrong. What did you just read?” Sevika’s eyes peer into your very soul, judging despite having no right to. It’s almost like she was possessed by your professor because Janna forbid you not have the material ingrained into your mind as long as he exists in this plane of existence. You know she’s just being thoughtful, caring, a supportive girlfriend, but for the last thirty minutes she’s been an asshole. You’re starting to see why everyone is so scared of her.

“Sev, I know this concept is foreign to you. But can you be a bit more gentle?” Frustration bleeds into your tone because you’re thoroughly sick of the ruthless critique you’ve been under. It doesn’t seem to phase her, as her face remains stoic, gaze fixed on you like she’s debating what reprimand will get you to learn faster.

“I am.”

Oh, well then.

“Baby, you’re not.”

A twitch in her eyebrow lets you know her patience is waning. She breathes a deep sigh around a cigar, smoke gathering over the table you’ve been at all night. Papers are splayed in a dramatic way to emphasize how much left you have to go, as if you’ve forgotten.

“The longer you wait, the more stressed you’ll be.”

“But-”

“And the more I’ll have to hear you complain about professor fuckface when he gives you a bad grade.”

“Hey! That’s not my fault. Nothing is ever good enough for him.” You quickly wipe away the moisture gathering in your eyes. Not fast enough, as evident by Sevika’s sigh and the soft placement of her hand on your thigh.

“Honey. Look at me.” And okay, perhaps you refuse just so one of those large hands will grasp your chin like you’re made of glass. “You are enough.”

Okay, well now you’re crying.

“You’re smart. I know you can learn all of this boring shit.” Her exasperated gesture at the various study guides have you laughing through tears. “You just need a little discipline.”

“Oh? Kinky- ow!” A flick to your nose has you squawking, and then melting as the same offending fingers wipe tears off of your cheeks.

“That too, brat. Seriously, you’re smarter than you think.”

Sev helping you because she’s gonna use ‘no sex until you get your shit done.’

“Hell, I’m doing this for me too.”

Definitely the type to read the question louder if you get it wrong.

However, when you do get a question right, you can expect some short praises. “Good.” “That’s it.” “Attagirl.” “Good girl.” … definitely gets you flustered.

She reads the syllabus. Just to mark down dates on your shared calendar, so she can ensure you’re doing your work and make sure you don’t forget an assignment.

Honestly, she would be living through you. Since she didn’t have the opportunity to go, she’s taken an interest in some of the more interesting classes. She also lets you know which ones are boring as shit.

Another example of when her position of authority comes out: not letting you skip. Yes, even if it’s review day. Won’t force you to go if you really don’t want to, but is very persistent and annoying until you decide to just go.

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

May I request angst headcanons for all six blorbos? Please I am sick and in desperate need for sadness to feel better lol (it’s ok if you can’t tho!)

YESSSSS I GET TO ANGST THEMMMMMM :)

New York, Louisiana, Texas, Gov, Massachusetts, and New Jersey? I apologize in advance. (I do not feel bad at all lmao)

New York:

He will 100% cry or at least struggle not to cry if someone makes fun of the fact he can’t walk right.

Hella insecure about the fact that it’s really difficult for him to be able to gain weight. It doesn’t help that he was bullied about it when he went to school.

NY actually did very well in school and was a bright smart student, but his classmates and teachers were absolute ASSHOLES to him.

Him and sleep are the type of enemies that if one was on fire and the other had a glass of water, the one with the water would drink it. So- NY is tired ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. But if he tries to sleep, he can’t. And if he does manage to fall asleep, he just wakes up an hour later whether it just be out of nowhere or he has a nightmare.

Louisiana:

When France killed Loui’s mother, Loui’s mom actually put a curse on France that would give him terrible and vivid nightmares, ones that were so vivid that the victim could feel the phantom pain even after they woke up. But ofc since Louisiana has a heart where he should have a brain, he felt bad and took the curse off of France and put it on himself. Which is one of the reasons that he can’t sleep now. And most of his nightmares are about France’s abuse and war so. Yeah. He feels it all.

So like- Loui is a very kind, very gentle, and very big-hearted person. And he wants nothing but the best for most people. Unfortunately, this has led to him being used and hurt and manipulated more times than anybody is comfortable with hearing. And it’s usually the people he loves most that end of hurting him.

He finds it hard to believe that everybody actually loves him and cares about him. He just- can’t believe it. Yeah, he’ll say he believes it, but he doesn’t. Not fully at least.

For my cryptid/animal stuff, I picture Loui to be some blend of either a wolf and gator, or a wolf and Pelican. But he has the wolf ears and tail. They’re usually out, but they’re just hidden under his hat and in his shirt. Why does he keep them hidden? Well- his ears and tails are VERY sensitive to pain. And France use to take advantage of that by stepping on his tail and yanking on his ears and yelling constantly cuz he knew that it hurt Louisiana. I’m gonna skin France alive.

Texas:

When he gets way too damn tired to even want to exist, he’ll just completely give up. He’ll just lay there and cry. He won’t even try to fight someone coming to front, he’ll just let it happen. Someone needs to sit this poor boy down and help him talk about his issues please I’m begging-(no let him suffer <3)

The only time he ever opens up is if he’s drunk or if Austin is fronting. And when he comes back to front, he’ll completely ignore everyone and isolate himself.

I’m very very nice to him and I’ve given him: asthma, an iron deficiency, and hemophilia (so he bleeds REALLY easily). He absolutely REFUSES to take his medications and stuff and use his inhaler when he needs it. And all he does is work outside and lift and do stuff all day. Which he gets really dizzy and winded and hurt from. So cue someone finding him completely dazed and out of it leaning against a wall just so he can keep standing and he’s just trying to control his breathing and all of that.

He absolutely loves giving and receiving hugs and physical affection, but if ANY touch restrains and/or restricts his movement and ability to escape, someone is getting kicked, punched, bitten, slapped, or all the above.

Gov:

Oh Gov. Poor, poor, not-so-innocent Gov….. he needs a nap. Desperately. And a hug. Please. He needs it. So, so bad.

He has PA’s alcohol addiction, but instead it’s caffeine cuz he’s seen what alcohol does to people and fears becoming like PA.

He has TERRIBLE dissociation episodes that usually end with him just passing tf out.

Gov felt as though the Civil War was mostly his fault and pinned the blame on himself for some reason. He felt as though he had done something wrong that made half of his country wanted to leave.

Massachusetts:

Blames himself for almost everything that happened to his siblings. Even though literally NONE of it was his fault.

His biggest fears are failure, and hurting those he loves. He can’t stand the thought of it AT ALL. He can’t.

Often fears that he’s not “masculine enough” since England always told him that ever since he transitioned.

He tries not to use his magic as much after the Salem Witch Trials happened. Cuz he got beat and burned at the stake at least once or twice and would rather not relive that pain.

New Jersey:

Okay- tbh, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he’s kinda insecure about that cuz he was never as smart and creative as his brothers.

Will literally hold in his tics until he’s alone, and usually by that time, he’s incredibly uncomfortable and maybe even in a bit of pain.

For the cryptid/animal stuff: one of his horns is cracked and a little shorter than the other because England broke one of them. Asshole.

His biggest fears are: the death of his loved ones and hurting his loved ones (oh look he has something in common with Ma-*gets choked*)

[mirkwoodmunson]

can i request something inspired by where’s my love - syml? maybe bubbly reader developed something traumatic after the s4 events and just blocked everyone in her life and eddie’s worry sick that they might never be themselves again and starts helping them and all that hurt/comfort cutie patootie. luv your work!! 😭💛

oughoughhh i love this idea, thank you for the ask and kind words!!

(i’m so sorry it’s been well over a month anon thank you for being patient with me 🥲🫶🫶)

this one jumps around a bit but hopefully it’s concise 🥲

contains: cursing, use of she/her pronouns

page divider from @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

“Can’t you just… fuck, I don’t know… can’t you talk to her, Wheeler? I just…” Eddie takes a deep breath and breathes it out slow away from the receiver, closing his eyes and massaging the bridge of his nose with his free hand, tucking himself into the paneled wall of Wayne’s trailer. “I feel like — like she’s not here, even when she’s right next to me… like she’s a ghost.”

There’s a pause on the other end as Nancy listens, choosing her words carefully.

“Eddie… if you can’t get through to her, I don’t know that I would do any better. I’m sorry, but, you just — you have to give her time. We all just need, time. Think about what she saw in there. All of us nearly died. But… she saw you— ... I know you don’t remember it all, but she does.”

Eddie pinches his nose harder and grimaces, shaking his head a little. “…fuck…”

Nancy sighs softly, “yeah…”

The first time Eddie becomes aware of your existence, he hears you before he sees you. From behind him, parked atop the picnic table hidden in the woods — his secret spot — he hears a delicate chime of bells; a soft giggle hidden behind shy hands. He turns quickly to spot the intruder, and when he sees you, he finds himself softening when he didn’t even realize how tense he was.

“I-I’m so sorry!” you call to him, lowering your hand to bask him in the shine of your smile, twiddling your fingers nervously together in front of your chest. “I didn’t know anyone would be here, I—“

“No no,” Eddie finds himself saying, turning more to you and raising a placating hand, waving away your apologies. “No ‘sorries,’ it’s all good. I’m just, uhh…”

“Hiding?” You finish for him with another gentle shimmer of a giggle. “Me, too.”

“Now who would you be hiding from?” There’s a lilt of playful tease in his voice. He himself was waiting for the parking lot to clear out after school, avoiding Jason and his goons and the general chaos of people wanting to book it home.

You roll eyes in exasperation, heaving your shoulders, “ugh, just… everyone. First day’s always the worst.”

“Everyone, excluding the freak?” Again there’s the gentle teasing, he says it softly like he’s worried you’ll suddenly realize who you’re talking to. Instead you raise a brow and peer around.

“ ‘The freak’?”

He smiles crookedly and opens his arms as if to say ‘you’re lookin’ at him.’

You smile softly and giggle again, disbelieving as you shake your head, moving in closer, “you don’t seem like a freak to me.”

You’d taken to spending the majority of your time at the Munson’s; it was hard to be in your own home where no one understood. No one knew why you hardly spoke anymore, why you would start to cry unprovoked, why all you wanted to do was lie curled up in bed and yet refuse to let yourself fall asleep — headphones resting tight over your ears as your music played much too loud.

You felt guilty having Eddie care for you, but aside from your family not understanding, he did. He understood, and insisted upon having you stay with him and Wayne. It made him anxious to be away from you, worrying about your state of mind and the coping habits you’d developed that weren’t all that healthy. He worried intensely about that darkness that had taken over you.

While he recovered in the hospital, you were there every single day, and when he finished his healing at home you were there, too. Once he was better enough to move around, he was determined to pay back the attention you had devoted to him. He wanted to be there while you cried, while you were quiet, let you cling to him as you shivered. He figured eventually it would pass, as it had for him — soon you’d be better and you’d laugh together again. But the darkness proved heavy and insistent. Just as you clung to him, the darkness clung to you.

Today was rainy and gloomy; days like today only intensified your struggle, and you sought shelter in Eddie’s embrace. Even in his arms, though, even with his face tucked into your cheek and his gentle voice cooing to you that it was okay — the gloom within you was so bleak, you cried so hard into his shoulder you nearly screamed, your mind plagued with images you wish you could burn away with the hottest fire. Even while he held you you feared that looking up it would be another trick of the mind, another dream where his mouth oozed blood and his eyes were devoid of his spark. And so you just hid into him and cried, shuddering and hiccuping with every short, shallow breath.

“It’s okay… hey it’s okay… just breathe, sweetheart, breathe with me… I’ve got you… you’re okay… you gotta breathe, baby… I got you… you’re okay…”

“PLEASE JUST BREATHE! Breathe, Eds, god-DAMMIT! PLEASE PLEASE — you’re okay you’re okay you’re okay — EDDIE PLEASE!!”

You can’t see past the tears, past the flashes of red, but you’re hitting him, hitting his chest, urging the air into him as you wail and then break to shake him hard, screaming into his face.

And then he gasps…

Sometimes your silence scares him more than the tears. Sometimes one minute you’ll be inconsolable, and the next it’s like something in you has switched off, you’re awake but — you’re gone. Retreated to somewhere deep inside.

Your face is damp but slack, eyes open but not perceiving, not fixed, lids heavy; you’re looking past everything into a blackness no one else can see. Your tense muscles suddenly going lax and limp to the point you’re just slouched into Eddie, so motionless you could be comatose. When this first happened he panicked, but now he just sighs softly and tips your head back to check you over, gently patting your face dry and brushing hair away from your face, pressing light and concerned kisses to your forehead and cheeks and murmuring to you, hoping you still hear him. Carefully he helps you to your feet, holds you against him as he guides you to his room; you can move but your feet are almost too heavy, dragging against the floor.

Once in the cozy confines of his room, Eddie gently and very carefully helps you to lie down on his bed, placing a pillow under your head and between your knees, another against your chest before he maneuvers your arms to wrap around it. Your fingers flex gently, eyes still unfixed but you squeeze the material and pull it further against you.

All he can do for a few minutes is just sit at the edge of the bed and rest his face in his hands, keeping his breath even and calm — the sound of your cries still rings in his ears and just the thought of it makes him want to cry, too. But he also wants to stay strong for you; needs to stay strong for you. However long it took, Eddie wanted to see you through this storm. As dark as it got, Eddie knew he would see you come home to him again.

Looking to the corner of the room, he lays eyes on his acoustic guitar, proud in its stand.

This machine slays dragons.

He stands and moves to it, brings it with him as he sits on the floor leaning back against the bed. He hears you breathe softly behind him and closes his eyes, plucking with bare fingers and a tight throat that allows no more than a hummed melody; anything more and he’d break. He needed to be strong for you. He needed to see you come home.

The picnic table had become a hideout for you just as had been for Eddie, a space you’d come to share with the boy (much to his happiness) when the days proved overwhelming — and most of them were. But you also looked forward to see him waiting there for you. As soon as you spotted each other you’d both grin and blush, hiding the unspoken feeling you unknowingly shared for each other; a deeply-rooted affection that only grew stronger with each meeting.

You’d split lunches from home, Eddie would rattle on about the D&D campaigns he was working on while you smiled wide and listened intently. Some days were worse than others, for either of you, however. Sometimes you’d find Eddie slouched into himself and tired, and you’d let him vent about Jason or teachers or whatever was bothering him. But as long as he could see you smile, he knew things would be alright. If you could smile for him, it meant the sun was right beside him.

Sometimes you’d find there Eddie with a guitar propped in his lap, after he’d been missing from school all day. Not up to being around them, but dying to be around you no matter how heavy the fog in his mind was.

The first time you’d found him with his guitar he didn’t speak at all as you approached, just smiled half-heartedly and patted the spot next to him for you to join. Together you’d sat in quiet for a while, as he absently plucked at strings, not wanting to speak but just needing some kind of gentle noise.

After a time, you asked him, “do you take requests?”

And Eddie smiled and looked at you past his hanging, curly hair, “whatever you wanna hear, sweetheart. Anything for you.”

As he strums lightly now, sat on the floor, he feels gentle fingers comb into his hair from behind him, softly caressing his scalp. Eddie smiles wide and continues to play.

“…are you really here..?” Your voice is so quiet it’s just barely audible.

Eddie sets the guitar down, resting it against his nightstand, and turns, reaching up to take your hand, finding your other as well. He squeezes them gently and presses his lips to them, puffing soft breath against them and then kissing them sweetly, nuzzling into your knuckles as he nods.

“I’m here. I’m really here. Promise.”

He looks up to find your eyes, shimmering with tears over the edge of the pillow still tucked against your chest. You’re there, all there, present and seeing him.

“It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

You close your eyes, pushing out heavy droplets.

It’s quiet for a while as Eddie just continues to hold your hands, watching you carefully. Eventually you nudge your chin up and tuck it over the pillow, and Eddie’s smile is brilliant in the presence of your own — small but it’s there.

“…do you take requests..?”

Eddie chuckles and sits up further on his knees, leaning in to kiss you, lingering against your lips and aligning his nose with yours, nudging into you with deep affection.

“Whatever you wanna hear, sweetheart. Anything for you.”

[bcofl0ve]

dad austin is so cute but i neeeed to know your thoughts on a pregnancy scare w austin and priscilla actress!reader please 😌

ik who sent this hi callie :* but yes as you and the conference room™️ know i have many #thoughts it’s headcanon time. also s/o to the og on this @elvisabutler every time i remember the “i though i was pregnant” text headcanon i want to roll around on the floor screaming.

- you have a gut feeling when you’re more nauseous than you’ve ever been in your life. you tell baz you’re puking too much to come into set on the way to the pharmacy. you don’t tell austin.

- when everyone is getting ready for the day baz mentions in passing that they have to push back shooting the post-vegas show graceland scene because you’re sick. austin thinks it’s weird you didn’t tell him you were calling in. he thinks it’s weirder when you don’t answer his calls or texts.

- by the time he’s showing up at your flat at the end of the day you’ve taken 6 tests and haven’t stopped crying since the 3rd one came back positive. you know who it is when the doorbell rings.

- you splash some water on your face and blow your nose and throw all the tests in the trash before you answer the door. but your eyes are puffy and the second he asks what’s going on the waterworks start again.

- poor clueless austin has no idea what’s happening and is holding you telling you it’s okay begging you to talk to him. when you babble out that it’s so bad and that he’s going to be pissed he tells you whatever it is, you can figure it out.

- you pull back from where you were just sobbing into his shoulder, breathing shaky as the words “i think i’m pregnant” leave your mouth and he goes as white as a piece of printer paper.

- “okay,” he says slowly, trying to maintain his composure for you. “okay, you took a test?”

- you can practically see the lump form in his throat when you say “six”

- you mention something about calling your doctor to get a blood test and he just nods along, pupils blown and he looks almost as sick as you’ve felt all day. but he takes you back into his arms and kisses your head and tells you that you’re gonna figure this out- and that it’s going to be alright.

- you’re out sick the next day too but austin has to go to set like his world wasn’t just turned upside down. something is off- it’s obvious, and about three seconds pass between baz asking him what’s up and “she’spregnant” tumbling out of his mouth. baz looks like he’s waiting for a punchline that doesn’t come, austin sinking down onto his office couch.

- you know he ran his mouth when your phone rings and it’s catherine’s caller id. you’re crying all over again the moment she says hello and she’s so sweet assuring you about costumes- though that’s the least of your worries in regards to the whole “having austin’s baby” thing. and catherine knows it, but she knows how to help with costumes- not so much that.

- austin goes with you to the doctor’s appointment and paces a hole through the floor while you’re waiting for the results. he’s talking just as much to himself as he is you about how this isn’t the end of the world. he makes a joke about naming the baby elvis that you’re surprised you laugh at.

- you aren’t pregnant.

- you’re relieved more than anything, but you see austin’s face drop just a little and it makes your gut twist. baz sees the same thing when he gets the news, looking almost a little sorry as he lightly tells you both to maybe be a little more careful.

- when you’re approaching austin’s trailer later you hear him on the phone, and he’s referring to whoever’s on the other end as ashley but you aren’t sure if it’s his sister or best friend.

- “i know i sound ridiculous mournin’ something that didn’t exist in the first place” he says and you stop short of opening the door to eavesdrop. “but i had started picturing what it’d all look like, had this whole picture in my head of us with a little baby. little dressed up toddler running around the premiere in a few years,”

- you turn tail and walk away instead of listening to the rest. never mind the baby names tab you still have open in safari, or the ‘what if’ that still keeps you up at night over a year later when he’s with kaia.

[like pa actress!reader? check out my series here]

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Who Let Us Have A Group Chat?

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,208 Words

Summary: Moon creates the unholy abomination of a family group chat.

Warnings: Panic Disorder (mentioned only), Sick Character, Fever Delirium, Vomit (mentioned), Death (mentioned only), let me know if I should add anything else.

Chapter 1: Moon, What Have You Done?

12:45am Moon has created a chat Moon has added 6 people to the chat Moon has renamed the chat Who Took My Hat?

Eclipse: It was Blood Moon.

Lunar: Why is he here?

Moon: Because I want my hat back and he’s a likely candidate.

Kill Code: Why am I awoken at midnight?

Moon: Hat.

Sun: He said it was Blood Moon

Harvest Moon: Not it. Other one.

Moon: Blood Moon, give me back my hat!

Eclipse: Bee please just give it back.

Lunar: How dare you give him that nickname!? Bees are wonderful! Keep their name out of your mouth!

Eclipse: …

Eclipse: Alright, I’m not wanted.

Eclipse has left Who Took My Hat? Moon has added Eclipse to Who Took My Hat?

Moon: Where are they, rust bucket?

Eclipse has left Who Took My Hat? Moon has added Eclipse to Who Took My Hat?

Moon: Tell me dammit!

Eclipse has left Who Took My Hat? Moon has added Eclipse to Who Took My Hat?

Eclipse: He's in the bunker, obviously. I hear him cackling from the other room. How else would I know he has it? Just come get your hat!

Blood Moon: You saw no such thing, you little rat!

Harvest Moon: We both saw it, Bloody.

Blood Moon: Betrayers!

Eclipse has left Who Took My Hat? Moon has added Eclipse to Who Took My Hat?

Moon: You stay put.

Eclipse: You’re taking from time I have to work, let me leave.

Moon: No.

Eclipse: I’m muting this.

Moon: Fine.

Kill Code: I'm going back to sleep.

Lunar: You better. Out!

Kill Code: Jesus.

Lunar: You've never known Jesus a day in your life, shut up.

Moon: You're just brutal tonight, huh?

Lunar: Like your bottled panic disorder.

Moon: cryingcatthumbsup.jpg

Sun: Please calm down, Lunar

Lunar: Take care of yourself, Sun.

Sun: I feel attacked

Lunar: Good.

Sun: ow

Harvest Moon: moon'sferal.vid

[video transcription]

Moon: Where's my hat!?

Eclipse: Please don't yell, I have a migraine.

Moon: Blood Moon!

Harvest Moon: Over here.

Eclipse: Please just be quiet, I feel like hell.

[Moon jumps on Blood Moon and wrestles his hat away from Blood Moon and laughs in victory while Eclipse groans in the background in pain]

[transcription end]

Lunar: Good, kick him. Maybe it'll help your chronic panic attacks.

Moon: You are just feral tonight, Lunar, chill.

Lunar: There is no chill. Only feral. You woke me up, not you get to deal with the consequences.

Blood Moon: Please don't kick me.

Moon: We're literally still in the same room. You could've just said that.

Lunar: He doesn't have the braincells to figure that out.

Blood Moon: That hurt, baby brother.

Lunar: Good. Hurt.

Kill Code: Now that all three of my kids are crying for one reason or another, now would be a very good time to go to sleep.

Kill Code is now offline

Sun: I think we should all take that as a que to sleep.

Lunar: Like you're even going to make it to bed. You're still cleaning barrels.

Sun: Let me imagine okay??

Lunar: Mmm, not even good grammar. I have better grammar and I never even went to school.

Sun: None of us went to school, Lunar and I'm tired

Moon: It's embedded in our heads, Lunar. We only recommended school for you because you don't talk to many other people.

Lunar: Who else do I need to harass with my existence?

Moon: Nevermind about school.

Lunar is offline

Moon: And he's asleep. That means everyone goes to sleep so we don't wake him up again.

12:45pm Who Took My Hat?

Kill Code: Does anyone know how to fix the flu in a robot?

Lunar: Depends which child you're asking for.

Sun: Agreed.

Kill Code: Eclipse. Turns out his migraine was the start of the flu. I don't even know how he got it, he never leaves his lab.

Lunar: I don't have any advice.

Harvest Moon: Please, none of us know what to do.

Blood Moon: He's literally not breathing right!

Sun: Alright, proof and I'll help.

Kill Code: proof.vid

[video transcription]

Kill Code: Hey, don't go back to sleep yet. Eclipse, come on. Wake up, son, don't you dare go to sleep on me right now.

[Eclipse groans and looks blearily at KC, eyes glazed and heaving air, whimpering and beginning to steam from overheating]

Kill Code: I know, I'm keeping you awake, just breathe. I'm right here, son. It's okay.

Eclipse: Daddy, I'm cold.

Kill Code: You're burning up, you can't be cold. Why is he cold? Eclipse, stay awake. I'm trying to get help.

Eclipse: I'm tired.

Kill Code: I know, I'm sorry, but you can't sleep right now.

Eclipse: I'm gonna throw up.

Kill Code: Over the bucket!

[the camera rattles as KC and the twins help Eclipse lean over the side of the bed to throw up into a bucket next to his bed]

Blood Moon: He's dying!

Harvest Moon: He's sick, not dying, right!? Dad, he can't be dying!

Kill Code: He's not dying. Eclipse, do not go to sleep.

[Eclipse whines and curls up to Blood Moon's side and shivers]

[end transcription]

Sun: Okay, ice packs on his joints and head. Something's wrong with his artificial lungs and he can't breathe all the way. You need to manually break the fever or he'll burn through his circuit boards.

Sun: As for the vomiting, you can't really stop it, just make him eat something light and keep him awake until the fever breaks. He's cold because of the fever being so high.

Kill Code: Thank you. I'll repay you. Anything. Just name a price, any price.

Sun: Stop tormenting my side of the family.

Kill Code: Of course. Anything.

Lunar: Wow, it was really that easy. Mortal threats to his 'kids' really make him agree to never bother us again.

Sun: 'Torment' not 'bother'. More like don't harass us than don't bother us since his existence bothers us.

Lunar: You're correct and I hate it.

1:27pm Who Took My Hat?

Sun: Is he doing any better @Kill Code

Kill Code: The fever just broke, Harvest Moon is out retrieving food for him and we've kept him responding thus far. My eldest is still quite out of it.

Sun: As expected. The robot flu hits solar models harder. Be happy you're a lunar model.

Lunar: Don't remind me that me and him are technically related.

Sun: Still brutal, I see.

Lunar: I exist brutal as a defense mechanism. The other option is playing all cute and sweet and looking adorable and you can blame our brother for waking me up for this brutality. Plus I hate him.

Sun: Yeah, okay.

Kill Code: Thank you again.

Sun: As long as you aren't pulling shit, then we'll help you. We're still family technically. Family helps each other out.

4:12pm Who Took My Hat?

Moon: Well, I slept through all the drama.

Kill Code: Yes, I know. I had to ask for help from your brothers for a reason.

Moon: Cry about it. I was tired.

Kill Code: You missed the opportunity to see my son you hate so much crying.

Moon: YOU COULD'VE WOKEN ME UP!

Kill Code: You suck.

Moon: So do you.

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

I feel so empty and lost.

I always hear don't share your issues on the internet but idk who or where else to talk about them.

I'm sick, there are cuts in my mouth, I'm always paranoid, I can barely leave my house without being scare of seeing my abuser or my ex bestie.

I feel like with the people I know in real life, nobody cares nor understands. I've been so tired, I can't feel empathy or sympathy and we talk about some really tragic stuff and I feel bad when I just feel nothing. No sadness or anger, just blank.

Last year I was struggling with managing my abuser and his bullshit, but this year I've been really dealing with the aftermath of it all and my mental health's decline.

One of my friends on here told to seek out help But I don't know how or where. I'm scared to tell my friends because I don't want them to leave me, and I don't know where to go.

I don't know why I've never been important to my friends. I just want to be important, appreciated, irreplaceable. Loved. Everyone around me is getting better or things are slowly improving but with me I'm only only going down. I feel nothing but depression and anxiety most of the time now, not really anything else.

I hate it when my Google Photos shows me picture of me and ex bestie from last year, it makes me cry and scream because they replaced me. Every single best friend I've had had left or replaced me and it's never been anything else. I think the only friend who never replaced me was my abuser, and it just hurts. I tend to talk shit about him because it's all true but, some of the shit people do to me now he's never done. He's abandoned me so many times and manipulated and mentally abused me, but he has never tried or implied to ever replace me. It's this shit that makes me wonder if I'm overdramatic or not. Am I? I don't know.

There's so much anxiety I have at night. I have low dose pain killers (For my period) and a knife in my room, I just don't know if one day I have an episode and I just end up in the hospital.

My anxiety is just really bad right now. I wanna sleep. I just wanna end it all but. Idk. I'm not supposed to be here, if this is what I've dealt with my entire life I don't think I should even exist.

[hihiitscai]

I have been feeling some type of way about humanity recently. So here's this.

--------

Do you ever…

Do you ever think about humanity?

And not just modern humanity,

I mean,

All of humanity.

Recently it's been so easy to see the bad,

The ugly,

The worst of humanity.

But hear me when I say

Humanity is good.

We are connected.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

I can't help but think,

When I pick up a rock

On the shore of the Sandy River,

That someone,

Somewhere,

At some time,

Held this same rock,

And skipped it.

Just like I am.

Someone sat

Where I sit

On the beach

And they drew in the sand,

Just like I am.

In my anthropology class,

My last term of college,

We spent a lot of time looking at remains.

Bones, bowls, cups, toys, clothes.

And every day,

I left with a lump in my throat.

Because those things were used.

That bowl that lay buried,

For thousands of years,

Was handmade.

And I think to myself

Maybe it was a wedding gift.

A handmade bowl with beautiful detailing

Used to hold water or serve soup

On cold nights.

Used by a person.

With loved ones.

Things they loved,

Things they hated,

With their own wants and hopes and dreams,

And someone loved them enough

To make this little bowl.

We,

Each and every one of us,

Are connected.

Not by blood,

Not by circumstance.

All 7.8 billion people alive today,

And the billions who came before us,

Are connected because we are human.

There is a love,

Subtle, subversive,

That lingers within each of us,

A remnant of our time as a society

Built on relationship to one another.

You and I are connected to each other,

And you and I are connected

To Alexander the Great,

Who conquered nations and

Made a name for himself and

Blocked Diogenes' sun and interrupted his nap.

You and I are connected

To King Tutenkamen,

A little boy made king

Buried far too young

With infants even younger,

With ducks embroidered into his clothing

With love and care because

He was sick,

A lot,

And maybe all he could do to pass the day

Was sit in his room

And watch the ducks play.

You and I are connected

To the lovers at Pompeii,

Whose final moments were spent clutching to each other

As their world came to an end,

Finding hope,

Comfort,

Peace,

In one another.

You and I are connected

To Ötzi the Iceman,

A man who lived thousands of years ago,

Whose existence we know of

Only because of two hikers

Who happened to be on that trail

At that time of year

In 1991.

Humans are good.

The interconnectedness that you and I have

With Alexander and

King Tut and

The Lovers and

Ötzi,

We have with everyone around us now.

We say "bless you" to strangers when they sneeze.

We hold the door open for those behind us.

We move in ways that make us uncomfortable,

If only for a moment,

So that another can sit

And enjoy the same movie.

We listen to music.

We sing in the car

And dance when we think no one is watching.

We stop and we crane our necks to look at the stars,

Whispering a soft "wow" to ourselves

At the sheer size of it all.

We wave at babies and try to make them smile in the grocery store.

We give tissues to crying strangers

And we stop and listen to musicians on the street.

We give our last granola bar

To the man on the corner

Because we know where our next meal will come from.

We cry for the loss of other people

Because a light that shined went out

And the world is a little dimmer without them.

Over the past few years

Countless people

Put their lives on the line

For complete strangers.

We are connected.

All of us.

Every human who ever was, is, and will be.

Because we are human.

And humans are so

Unbelievably

Good.

[early20sfailingplenty]

My Ambrose is out there somewhere.

My home.

TW; bad home life, bad relationship with parents, venting but also comforting myself. i need to hear all of this and maybe someone else does too.

A place where I'm not daily told things like, "you're given the grace of being allowed to put posters up on your walls even though dad doesn't like the marks left behind from the blutac you use, but your brother isn't because dad doesn't like him" (this was today's comment and I'm still reeling. Had to cry it out, it made me uncomfortable and I felt sick and I don't understand why)

or

"make sure you do your washing up after every meal, don't leave it for someone else" even though most days I do everyone's dishes, including my own, and barely receive a thank you for it. All I get is a "you shouldn't have done that. Naughty!" like I'm a child and not a twenty five year old woman who is very self-sufficient and was just seeing how stressed her parents were and wanted to help out.

or

"just stop worrying about it" when I try to open up to one of my parents about my fears of a future which is looking bleaker and bleaker. a place where i'm never listened to, even if i bother opening up i only ever feel worse for it. i never feel safe here, i always try to keep myself quiet and even if no one is around, i'll lock my bedroom door and use headphones to listen to music because even if i'm just watching tv in my room, any evidence i'm in here is "just noise" and met with the door being shut even if i don't want it to be.

a place where i'm made to feel like my existence is my fault and i must apologise for it. a place where i'm always left to cry alone, to scrape myself up off the floor because even if they heard me, they wouldn't come in to comfort me. they'd leave me to it, leave me to handle myself alone, and so i no longer bother asking for help or comfort from them. i just do it alone. i'm not sure i'd know how to accept comfort if given, so when friends speak to me kindly or say they love me, i burst into tears because i need them but they're all the way on the other side of the world and i am here alone.

or

"this is my house, my rules", even though i pay rent to occupy it. here in this house is my bedroom, the one i've rotted in lived in since i was fifteen. my bedroom, with the dark green floral carpet and the white walls they promise they will paint once every year. they've redecorated the house so many times, spent weeks painting out my brother's room and the kitchen and the living room, but they never ever do mine and it hurts. especially because when i offer to do it myself, i hear, "your bedroom isn't yours just because you pay rent. you're only borrowing it." and so i'm stuck with a room i hated at fifteen (except the carpet - i love the carpet) and i hate it now at twenty five.

or to never be told that my parents are proud of me, to not be told that I'm doing something right, to not be told that I'm not secretly a bad person, I'm just human and therefore messy and too hard on myself. Too self-aware, too, which is a huge problem as well. to be told unprompted that they love me. i shouldn't have to ask to be loved, but i do, so i never ask. i want it to be a natural thing but they never say it, i never ask, and the wound keeps festering.

a place where i won't be a soundboard to my mother and to realise that i'm so very very much like her; we have the same nervous habits, we have similar ways of shutting down or being emotional when we're overwhelmed and i'm fucking terrified every second of every day to become her, or maybe i am already her but like her, i just can't see it. my parents always tell me "you're your mother, but twenty years younger" and they mean it as a compliment but it makes me feel sick. i don't want to become my parents, i don't i don't i don't.

a place where i'm made to feel like i really would do anything for my parents' approval or some sign that they want me, love me. me, and not all the things i do for them. i did many things for them today, like i do every day, and not a single thing for me and time is running out time is running out time is running out....

my Ambrose is out there somewhere.

my home is out there somewhere and i will be free from this place one day.

one day, i will turn the corner of a long and confusing, hard and complicated road, and Ambrose will stretch out in front of me, and just like how i experience this wide shot of it in House of Wax, I will smile, breathe, and think, home. it will fit me like a glove, and i will be free. to exist, to play music loudly, to shower when i want, to go and get food at night when i'm hungry, to not have to feel like i'm always doing something wrong even if all i'm doing is making a cup of coffee, to not have to watch my tone and monitor how i speak to people because there are easily triggered tempers in this house and i am afraid of confrontation and anger, raised voices and shouting, one day i can have my own room decorated in my own way and pay rent KNOWING my space is mine. so i can do what i want with it.

all i have are tomorrows and somedays and one days, but this isn't my forever. my Ambrose is out there waiting for me. it has to be. this isn't my forever. i will be free one day💖.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Trigger warning: physical and psychological abuse, violent thoughts.

I'm looking for validation.

Hi, I feel like I'm going insane.

My sibling has been both physically and psychologically abusive over the past several years. I am frequently beaten, pushed, kicked, insulted and gaslit and I have absolutely no proof of it. There are witnesses, but they're all loved ones of them.

It's always the same: I try to get into a casual conversation with them — not out of want, but out of need — and they end up getting mad at me, threatening to hurt me if I don't leave.

I remember once I was looking for my shoes, I couldn't find them anywhere and we tend to share clothes so I had to ask them as a last resource. I said "Hey, have you seen my shoes?", and they stared at me with disgust and didn't reply. I repeated it, and they shouted at me "I know, I heard you! Of course I don't know, they're yours, shut up, leave and stop being a bother to me." and when I don't leave they say stuff like "If you don't leave me alone I'm going to punch you in the stomach, stop pretending to be brave because you cry everytime I beat you up."

And when I tell someone they start saying that I'm just getting them into trouble and that I'm horrible. Not to mention how they lie. Last night they asked to borrow my phone charger and I said "No, I'll need it in a moment". They called me an asshole and left. Then, when I told my mom about a time my sibling mistreated me, they told her that when they asked for my phone charger I was mean and rude, and that I violently told them to leave my room.

I'm so frustrated. They accused me of saying slurs that they said to me, and that I never even said. They put themself in everything I do, they constantly abuse me and then change the roles.

And I have no proof. No one knows what really happened. I will die before anyone knows which one of us is lying.

It feels like I'm being psychologically tortured, I know they know it because they once threatened to lie and change the roles again if I didn't do what they wanted. They always change the roles or say "I never said that!".

There are people who have seen them doing this to me, either beating me up or calling me slurs or both, but those people are my sibling's friends and I'm sure they dislike me.

I feel sick. Everyone believes them, since they have friends and a more charming personality. I'm just a freak that doesn't talk to anyone. I want to end it all and I'm scared that, even then, no one will believe me.

–CD

Hi CD,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening. That's not okay at all and you don't deserve to be put through that.

What I'm hearing reminds me a lot of DARVO, which is when an abuser tries to claim that the victim was in fact the abuser. This is a gaslighting technique as it invalidates the victim's experiences but also projects the abuser's behavior onto the victim, thereby seemingly absolving the abuser of accountability. It's also possible that there may be some reactive abuse going on, which is when an abuser will get a rise out of their victim and then use their reaction to insist that they are really the abuser.

Crying from being beaten up doesn't mean you aren't brave, it means you're human. It makes absolute sense to cry if you're being beaten because it's cruel and unusual.

You don't need to prove that you are being abused and mistreated to be valid as a victim and trauma survivor. You don't owe anyone proof that what happened to you was real, because it is real regardless of their validation. People who gaslight you may insist that your reality is dependent on their perspective, but reality doesn't need their confirmation to exist. You know that what has been happening to you is real and that's most important. I believe you. We believe you.

That being said, if you would like to collect evidence that is completely up to you. If you do want to collect evidence, it might be helpful to take a video or audio recording, discreetly or not, from the moment you begin an interaction with them. Make sure that doing this does not put your life in danger. Even if you do gather evidence, you may still be gaslit. This isn't to say that your experience isn't valid, but that an abuser or enabler will likely be unwilling to support you even if all the cards are in your favor because they are living in a distorted reality. Please remember that you know your truth.

You are not alone. I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun