#my health has been so so awful and i’m just so distressed

[maidofmetal]

why the fuck are psych meds so excruciating

[duskymrel]

A Cold Touch

Synopsis: You have been sick for a few weeks and Malleus has been worried sick about you. However, he's pleased to find that you've had a sudden burst of energy! This must mean that you're getting better, right?

Reader is gender neutral and has been married to Malleus for a little over a year.

Tw: death :((

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Malleus sat at the meeting table, distressed that he had to be here and not by your side. He hated it. He hated it. It showed on his face, too. Everyone at the table felt the sweat beads roll down the napes of their neck under their king’s glower, eager to finish the meeting as soon as they possibly could.

You had been ill for several weeks at this point, and Malleus had been in a constant state of dismay over it. He fretted over you, bringing in every health professional he could from all over the region. Despite his demands, nobody could figure out quite what was wrong with you. They assured him, however, that you would be fine.

That didn’t stop him from worrying.

He felt a buzzing in his head as one of the diplomats from the kingdom beyond his blabbered on. Malleus knew this treaty was important to avoid war, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. Every second he wasn’t by your side was a second you could leave him. A second he wasn’t there to protect you. What if the forehead kiss he gave you before going this morning was the last he ever gave you? It plagued his mind, repeating like a broken record.

Finally, finally, the damned meeting was over. Malleus all but flew out of the meeting room, cape billowing behind him. He took a moment to compose himself outside of your shared room, for he never wanted to show you how troubled he truly was by your illness. It was the principle of the thing. He softly opened the door and entered, but found himself quite taken aback by what he found.

You had gotten out of bed by yourself and had photos scattered around you on the ground. He felt his heart grow lighter and walked over to you, sitting down. You glance up at him and smile brightly, with the energy he was used to seeing. It filled him with relief.        

“Hey, Mal-Mal. How did your meeting go?”

“Awful. I hated every second I wasn’t with you.” You laughed at that, that wonderful laugh that made him love you all the more dearly. The laugh was broken by a coughing fit and Malleus attempted to help you up and put you back in bed, but you waved him off.

“No, no, I’m fine. I feel better than I have in weeks, actually. See, I was just looking through some of my old photos!" Malleus looked at the photos you had laid out and smiled at the fond memories. There were photos from Night Raven, with all of your friends. Grim. Ramshackle. Graduation. He liked the ones from your wedding best. Being coronated after the wedding. The most recent photo was of the two of you celebrating your first anniversary. So many happy memories, so many years of your life laid out in front of you on the floor.

Malleus took your hand and kissed the inside of your wrist. He had taken to doing so recently, as the sickness had made you so cold to the touch, but your wrist remained warm. It reminded him that you were still here, with him. He looked up at you softly.

“I’m glad to see you with so much more energy today, darling. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“...Can I have a kiss?” Oh, who would deny such a simple request? Certainly not he, so he indulged your request and leaned in to give you one.

Malleus’ heart grew heavy as he kissed you, for suddenly he was struck with a foreboding feeling. Why, all at once, did you have all this energy that your illness robbed you of? He felt a chill go up his spine, but he pushed aside his unease. It just meant you were getting better, surely.

You were alive and well, he reminded himself. This was a good thing- he should enjoy it.

“It’s getting late, my love. You really should go to sleep to build up your energy.” Malleus took your hand and gently helped you up. You conceded and allowed him to help you into bed, grumbling a little. He then picked up all your photos and carefully placed them back in your box, just the way you liked it.

Then Malleus crawled into bed next to you and held you in his arms. The two of you talked for a long while, and he was pleased to see how full of energy you were. Perhaps he really was stressed over nothing and the doctors were right. You would be fine.

He didn’t allow himself to fall asleep until you did, something he had done throughout the entirety of your relationship. As his eyes drifted shut, he smiled to himself. You were going to get better.

You were going to be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malleus blinked his eyes open, sunlight peeking through the curtains directly onto his face. He could see outside a bit. It was your favorite kind of morning: sunny, warm, and the sounds of life could be heard outside. Perhaps you might be feeling well enough to go on a walk with him. He closed his eyes again and rolled over to face you.

“Good morning, love.” He took your hand and pressed a kiss to your wrist, smiling softly. Then his eyes flew open.

Your wrist was cold.

Malleus scrambled up, looking at your face. You looked like you could just be asleep. After all, you looked so incredibly peaceful. You looked paler than usual, but then again you had been pale since you first got sick.

He raised a shaky hand to your nose, but felt…. Nothing. No breath. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest with how hard it was pounding. He could hear nothing but the blood rushing through his ears. He felt for a pulse. Nothing. Laid his head on your chest. Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

He felt the world tilt. He gripped your shoulders and shook you desperately. He could barely hear his own screaming over the heartbeat in his ears. He shrieked your name so loud that servants burst open the door and rushed in. He paid them no notice. He paid no more notice when Lilia, Silver, and Sebek rushed in.

Malleus held you close to him, crying into your shoulder. His screams echoed through the halls of his palace and sent chills down the backs of those who could hear it. Lilia hesitantly stepped forward, gently laying his hand on Malleus’s shoulder.

“Malleu-”

“EVERYONE OUT.” Lilia flinched back, but nodded to the others. They all left, leaving Malleus alone to clutch onto you.

It felt as though he was being swallowed whole, like the very essence of his being was crashing down upon him. He had been a broken man, and you had taken the time to piece him back together again. The irony of you being the one to break him into smithereens all over again was almost palpable.

You had been Malleus’s rock, his anchor that brought him back to his humanity. But in the end, you became his Achilles' heel.

How long did he sit there, holding you in his arms, begging you to come back to him? He wasn’t sure. But at some point the numbness began to set in, slowly seeping through his veins like poison. An icy grip squeezed Malleus, and he finally had to admit it to himself: you were dead.

Malleus held your lifeless body close, unable to believe that he would never hear you laugh again, never kiss you again, never get to grow old with you. All he could feel was his heart breaking with every passing heartbeat, and for the first time in his long life, he could not summon the will to go on.

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When was the last time I even wrote anything. 💀

Idk anyways I got the idea from this from a thing my bestie @meltedbuttersblog wrote!! Totally check out their blog btw they're wonderful.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my partner not to be around me when she has panic attacks?

Probably sounds bad, but please read first. I (28FTM) have been with my partner (25MTF) for just over two years. We’ve lived together just over a year. We both have significant mental health issues, although her symptoms have always been more severe/uncontrolled than mine.

I have always been extremely supportive of my partner’s mental health issues. About 6 months after we started dating she had a mental health crisis that resulted in her being hospitalized for severe suicidal ideation; I helped her get support with her college, find a psychiatrist, therapist, and an HRT provider (since she was extremely dysphoric at the time and hadn’t started).

Around 6 months ago she had another suicidal episode where she actually attempted in front of me. I helped her receive medical help again, supported her throughout and after the hospitalization process, helped her find accommodations for university classes, and find and start alternate treatment (ketamine). I’ve also been supporting her in between her crises by attending some of her therapy with her at her request so I can learn what grounding exercises and such her therapist recommends when she’s panicking or suicidal, since she often forgets her coping mechanisms when in a crisis, and just listening to her and being there when she wants help.

All that is to say, I believe I’ve been extremely supportive in helping her find ways to sustain a healthy life while having mental health issues. However, one of her diagnoses is tourette’s (which I’m aware is neurological and not necessarily psychological) and this results in her having compulsive verbal tics that worsen especially when she’s stressed.

One of these tics is her saying “I’m going to kill myself” repeatedly when distressed (along with other severely hateful statements toward herself). This has always been extremely distressing for me to hear, even when I talk to her to make sure it’s a tic moment and not actual suicidal ideation.

I have been working with my personal therapist so that I don’t immediately go into my own damage-control type crisis when I hear her ticcing. However it’s still been extremely anxiety inducing for me to deal with this, to the point where I’m starting to either dissociate or panic when I even notice that she’s having a panic attack, because I expect to start hearing her say really awful things again. It’s even to the point where I think it’s affecting my overall mental health because I’ve been hearing these distressing tics so often I feel like I’ve started to internalize them (like, me more often having intrusive suicidal thoughts when depressed) although I certainly don’t blame her for how I’ve been feeling or my own thoughts that I’m having when depressed.

I talked to her about this recently and explained how I think it’s been effecting my mental health, especially as I work from home and her panicking often interrupts my work when she comes into our shared office to talk to me while panicking - which then makes me get behind on my work, since I feel like I can’t ignore her and want to help when she’s having a panic attack.

My mental health has also been extremely poor lately as I’m dealing with a lot of work and a sudden diagnosis of (benign) kidney adrenal tumors that I’m starting treatment for. I’ve been doing things to try to improve how I’m feeling but I’m still in a very difficult place right now.

Even though I feel extremely bad for asking I asked her to please try grounding herself at least to the point she’s not loudly saying that she wants to kill her self and hates herself when she’s panicking and wants to talk to me. I emphasized that she should always come talk to me if she is actually feeling like she’s going to do something harmful. But I’m seriously starting to feel like these verbal tics are affecting my functioning day to day, and I don’t know what else to do. And of course I still love her and want to be with her, I don’t even feel like that needs to be said but I want to emphasize it. I just feel like I need to make sure that I am safe and taking care of my basic mental health needs, like not having extreme panic attacks when she’s panicking, to even begin to try and help her out when she’s struggling.

So AITA for asking my partner to stop coming to me when she’s having these extreme panic attacks?

[sevcasejay1chicago]

Hi! Very happy to see you posted again.

Would love to see another Matt, Jay, and Kelly fic w/ morning sickness— maybe a follow up to the last one— where the reader’s morning sickness has gotten worse and one day after waking up in the middle of the night very ill she gets really shaky and lightheaded and the boys try to figure out if they should call 911, call Will, or drive to the ER.

Please no rush— you’re under no obligation to puts fics out fast. Health comes first. I hope life gets better for you soon <3

Here’s the part two you asked for FOREVER ago. I’m sorry for the wait my love!!! I hope you enjoy!!

Morning sickness- Jay, Matt, Kelly

Warnings: vomiting, SUPER fluffy

——————

You all hoped the morning sickness would go away. The boys hated seeing you so scared all the time. You were scared to eat, drink, sleep, and sometimes move. Even after you hit your 14 week mark, it just seemed to get worse. The boys refused to leave you, unless they absolutely had to. Matt and Kelly had decided to take different shifts at 51 to ensure that someone was always with you incase Jay got called in on a case. The intelligence unit was very forgiving and caring, trying their best to not pull Jay away from you unless Matt and Kelly were both home. Things seemed to flow better when two people were home with you. Someone always had you attached to their side while the other could do things to help you and keep up with things around the house.

One day, Kelly ended up needing to head to the store for you while Jay and Matt were at work. You both agreed that you could manage by yourself for the length of time he would be gone, though you weren’t completely confident. You had been feeling pretty sick and had yet to keep anything down, which led Kelly to go get a few things that you could sometimes keep down since you seem to be out of all of those things. You didn’t want to be any more of a burden than you already felt like you were, which made you agree to him leaving for a few minutes.

Everything went fine for the first 10 minutes, until the nausea got bad. You immediately texted Matt, letting him know you weren’t feeling good, as he was the one keeping track of all of your medical issues. In his worry, he decided to head home early, though he did not tell you that. He knew you were having some strong emotions with them changing their lives to take care of you, but he just couldn’t bare to be away from you any longer. This is the worst day you’ve had in a couple days.

Meanwhile, Jay had barely had the chance to set his keys and wallet down on the kitchen counter when he heard running footsteps. Assuming that he was alone since Kelly’s car was gone and you were never alone, Jay crept up the stairs with his gun in hand. He was quick to holster it when he heard vomiting coming from the master bathroom. He knew it could only be you. The sight of you shaking while trying to hold yourself up broke his heart.

“Oh god.” He whispered, heart pounding at the sight of your weak form. “Sweetheart. Sweetheart. It’s okay. I got you. I got you.” He said, running to you. He grabbed the hair you were trying to force out of the way, noticing how it was falling out of the hurried bun you threw it in. “I have your hair. It’s okay.” Jay shushed, rubbing your back and caging you between his legs.

Seconds later, Matt ran in. He could hear the commotion coming from the entryway. “Oh sweet girl.” You blindly reached for him as you heard his voice. “Aw, that’s alright. It’s alright. Just let it out.” Matt cooed, hating to see you so distressed as you heaved violently in Jay’s grip.

Jay leaned forward a bit when you started shaking violently, barely holding yourself upright. “It’s okay. It’s alright. I gotcha.” Jay soothed, strong arms coming around your chest after he let Matt take your hair.

You coughed, heaving in air during a little break. “Mmm, I don’t-“ you broke off into a sob that turned into a gag.

“Oh baby. I know. I know.” Matt shushed, petting your hair back. “It’s alright. It’ll be over in a minute.”

Simultaneously, Jay was whispering in your ear. “It’s alright. We’re here. We’re here. I know sweet angel. I know.” Jay soothed, kissing your shoulder.

“Mm-make it s-st-stop.” You grunted out, clutching your stomach.

“Shhh. I know baby. I know it’s uncomfortable and it hurts. I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Matt shushed, seeing that Jay was doing everything not to break at your cries. He was a strong man, but you turned him into jello in your hands.

“Oh God.” Kelly said, sliding through the door. “I was gone for 30 minutes. I’m so sorry baby.” Kelly explained before coming to sit on the lip of the tub on your left. “It’s okay.” He soothed, taking the hand you reached out to him. You seemed to finally start to empty, mostly dry heaving. “Yep. All out baby.”

“You all done?” Matt asked, reaching for some toilet paper to wipe your face clean.

Instead of answering, you tried to push yourself to your feet to rinse your mouth out. “Whoa whoa. Don’t get up. Your pale and shaky. Just sit right here and let me rub your back, yeah?” Jay said, catching you by the waist and sitting down with you. You turned sideways in his lap, allowing him access to your back. “There we go. Oh I know it. I know your stomach hurts. It’s okay baby.” Jay soothed as you whimpered, kissing your temple.

You looked at Matt through hazing, tear filled eyes. “Aren’t y-you s-su-supposed to be at w-work?” You managed to get out, trying to wrap your brain around what was going on.

“Shhh don’t try to talk. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine babe. Let’s worry about you and talk more later.” Matt shushed gently, worried about how pale you were and how sluggish your eyes and brain were. They needed to get some sugar in you. “Think your completely done? Maybe we can try some Gatorade.” Matt said.

Just the mention of putting something in your stomach had you heaving again. You pushed off of Jay and leaned over the toilet again, heaving hard.

“Oh. Okay okay. It’s okay baby.” Jay soothed.

“That a girl.” Kelly praised, clutching your hand again.

“Hurts.” You wheezed out, clutching your stomach with your free hand.

“Yeah. I know baby. I know it hurts. It’s okay.” Matt soothed, looking to Kelly. “Think we should take her to Med or call for help? She isn’t looking good.” Matt said, knowing you likely weren’t actually hearing him as you went through another round of violent heaving.

Both boys looked at you as you sucked in air, finally calming your stomach some. You stared off into space, seeming to lose track of reality.

“Baby. Are you okay?” Kelly asked, cupping a hand under your bicep.

Jay felt you sagging and immediately pulled you into his chest. You were hot from all the puking, but you were barely sweating. “Call Will. Tell him to bring an IV bag over here. She’s dehydrated.” Jay instructed, standing with you in his arms. You whined at the sudden movement, but clung to Jay’s neck.

“No. I’ll drive your truck with lights. Matt, call Will and have him get a room ready at med.” Kelly said, using a tone that left not room for arguments.

The ride was fast and Will barely had the room set up to check the baby and get you hydrated before Jay was running in the door with you. Nat saw you being carried through the door and ran into the room, helping put the baby monitor on you while Will put an Iv in.

Hours later, the baby seemed to be settling and you were starting to come around. You weren’t happy that you had an Iv in your hand, but you were pleased to see Jay and Matt sleeping peacefully while Kelly stood with his back to you.

When he heard you shuffle around in the bed, he quickly wiped his face and turned to you.

“Oh baby. Hey sweetheart.” Kelly cooed, barely above a whisper. He immediately came to your side, taking your hand.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, wiping left over tear tracks off of Kelly’s face after he kissed you briefly.

“I’m sorry I left you.” Kelly whispered, bottom lip quivering as he spoke.

“No no no.” You whispered. “Come here.” You demanded gently, tugging him into the hospital bed with you. “It’s not your fault. You were trying to take care of me the best you could. I should have spoke up.” You said, cuddling into his side, careful of the wires and tubing.

“Damn right you should have.” Jay mumbled, staying seated as Matt laid resting on his shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again.” Jay whispered, pout on his lips.

“Yes dear.” You replied, hiding in Kelly’s chest as Jay gave you his “dad” eyes. The “you just wait” eyes, but not in a good way. You knew he was playing, but you also knew you scared the crap out of your lovers. You just hope this kid chills out.

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[irregularbillcipher]

anyway i ended up being at the hospital for about 16 hours wed-thurs, 12 of which were in the waiting room— again, my stats were good so i assume everyone who was before me needed help more, which is fine, i don’t want to jump ahead of people in need just because of a complicated health history, but literally nobody should be waiting 12 hours for care in an ER. several people who were in distress, one of whom almost collapsed at one point and was clearly in a crisis, ended up leaving because they had been waiting for up to ten hours. some of these people were families with very small children. a little boy who couldn’t have been more than four came in in respiratory distress— to the point that my mom pointed him out and said he was just like i was when I was very ill as a child with frequent pneumonias that ended in hospital admissions— about two hours before i was finally called in for a room, at about 4 am. when i left the hospital at about 8 am, he and his family were still waiting

i ended up mostly fine, and am very much in the mend. i did get worse in those 12 hours, which was Fun, and wasn’t supposed to drink (and was also not tolerating water partway through waiting anyway which was rough and took a full day to completely get over but whatever.) i got some meds, some fluids, got to a point where i could drink. my IV was even just one poke! some testing was abnormal and also wasn’t reviewed until after i left the hospital which is really cool and dandy, and some of the inhalers i needed weren’t refilled, but as a whole it was just an infection of some mild sort that kicked my ass because of my health complications, i’m good. i’m really just sort of in awe of how long medical wait times have gotten. i haven’t seen my GP in more than a year because wait times are deranged— the next in-person meeting i could find fit her was summer of 2024 and like, i booked it, but again, deranged. i’m meeting with another doctor on monday to at least have some sort of post-ER visit and also discuss some specialists that i need now that my insurance has switched but i’m just… tired

[randomwritingguy]

The Myth of Y/N (Korra x Reader) Part 26

OLD FACE. NEW IDENTITY.

Y/N’S POV

Kuvira and finally arrived back at the edge of Zaofu where the Beifong Household is located. After our emotional talk about our parents of all things we hung out for bit more while before we headed back. Apparently, the guard’s shift was about to start soon.

When we finally reach back to where we began, it was past afternoon. I don’t see any of my friends anywhere. They must be around here somewhere.

“Here we are.” Kuvira states.

“Here we are.” I echo back.

I glance back at the guard with a smile who smiles back.

“This was nice.” I tell her. “I had a good time.”

She nods. “As did I. Hopefully, we could meet again before your departure.”

I hum in agreement. “So do I.”

Then, before I can even react, a press of warm lips land on my cheek and I am engulfed in flames.

“Good day, Y/N.” Kuvira tells me with a smirk, finding my flushed state amusing, and walks away with her hands behind her back in a business-like stature.

Even when she’s walking away, my cheeks still feel like they are on fire. I place a hand on the cheek that she had kissed.

Well then…

Shaking out of my flustered state, I start walking around the city and trying to find anyone there. It’s time I stopped avoiding them.

It took a few minutes, but I finally found them.

And what I see…

“What in the spirits is going on here?!”

I see Lin lying unconscious on the floor with Korra holding her head. Boulders spread out across the land like confetti, metal panels bent out of shape to form barriers, and I even see one of those weird metal structures crashed against the wall.

That’s not the only thing I see. I notice Opal on a bridge with Suyin and Bolin on the right end and most of the Beifong family on the left.

“Y/N!” Bolin exclaims with urgency. “Not trying to be rude but, uh, you kinda showed up at the wrong time.”

“Clearly.” I agree, walking closer to Korra and Lin. I kneel down next time and examine the Chief of Republic City Police’s health to see her condition. She looks awful. Not only is she slightly wounded from the fight, but she looks as pale and white as the snow land of the South Pole.

Opal rush towards us too, her posture clearly expressing her nearly overwhelming worry. “Is she okay?!”

“She’s pale.” I comment. “And slightly injured but…she’ll be all right. What happened?”

“I just learnt how to metalbend and Bolin was about to start but Lin showed up out of nowhere.” Korra explains, nervous and confusion mixed into one. “She and Su started to argue and then Lin attacked and all of a sudden they started fighting!”

Putting the revelation that Korra can now metalbend aside, I continue focusing on the chief. Sounds like the tension between the two siblings finally reached its dangerous breaking point.

“That doesn’t matter right now.” Suyin tells us, who has now walked towards us. Her tone expresses regret and shame. “We need to take Lin to her room and give her some medical attention.”

“Agreed.” I tell her. “Let’s carry her.”

With the strength of Korra, Bolin, Suyin, and I, we manage to bring her to her guest room. When we place her onto the bed, Aiwei enters the room with clear distress. “I heard what happened. Is she all right?”

“I’m not sure.” Suyin tells him.

The trusted advisor lets out a very tense sigh. He marches towards Lin and examines her. “This is my fault. I suggested to her to visit an acupuncturist to help deal with her supressed feelings. She must have not allowed herself to rest once the process was done.”

The worries from the matriarch and the truth seer aren’t mutual to mine.

“The Chief has been through worse.” I assure them but looking at Suyin specifically with sympathy. “She’ll live.”

“Y/N is right.” Korra agrees, facing them too. “Lin has dealt Equalists and mecha tanks. If she can survive that, she can survive this.”

The words of our reassurances seem to have worked as the tense and frightened looks of Suyin, Aiwei, and Opal smooth out and diminish slightly.

“That’s good to hear.” Aiwei responds. “Right now, I think she just needs some rest. We should leave her be.”

Yeah, that’s probably the best idea.

As we all reluctantly leave and then proceed to go our separate ways, I hear my name being called out.

“Y/N. May I have a word?”

I turn and see the matriarch. Her expression is unreadable.

With my fists tightly clenched and my body tensed, I slowly but surely walk towards her.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for helping to bring my sister here.” She tells me with her tone containing gratitude. “You didn’t have to after our last meeting.”

Oh…

“Lin needed help.” I reply. “I wasn’t going to refuse to help her because of some argument.”

She nods in understanding. “Of course. You’re as noble as Korra.”

“No chance.” I tell her in an attempt to appear humble. I hesitate slightly and bite my lip. Then, finally, I continue speaking. “Look, I am not going to apologise for what I said last night. I stand by my words. But…I will apologise for how I said it in front of your family. That was uncalled for.”

My apology seems to have startled the matriarch as her eyes widen in surprise. Then, a moment later, the surprise is gone. “Thank you. Apology accepted.”

And, with an exchange of nods, we depart.

I meet up with Korra, Bolin, and now Mako and Asami who seemed to have been caught up on what happened.

“The talk with Su gone all right?” Korra asks me when I finally approach them.

“Surprisingly, yeah.” I reply. “I apologised for how I acted to her. We seem to be on mostly good terms now.”

“That’s a relief.” Asami says. “That means you won’t be skipping breakfast tomorrow?”

I rub the back of my head with a sheepish grin. “I’ll be there.”

“What were you doing anyway?”

“I had a prior engagement.”

Korra cocks an eyebrow. “Prior engagement?”

I shake my head gently. “Met a guard of Zaofu when I stormed out. We hung out and decided to hang out today. She seemed pretty cool.”

“Pretty cool, huh?” Bolin asks with a smirk.

The memory of Kuvira’s kiss on my cheeks resurfaces and I feel my cheeks heat up slightly. Regardless, I roll my eyes.

“Not like that.” I tell him. “What about you guys, though?”

“Like I said before, Suyin gave me some metalbending lessons!” Korra informs me with excitement. “I am now the world’s first metalbending avatar!”

My eyes widen. Not even Aang learned metalbending? Interesting.

“That’s awesome, Korra!” I tell her. I turn to our earthbending friend. “What about you, Bolin? Did Suyin teach you too?”

My words seem to have struck the wrong chord, though, as nervousness washes over him. “Uh, no. No. Not yet. She was about to but, uh, Lin interrupted.”

“Oh.” I respond, not really knowing what to say. “Well, I’m sure she will give you some lessons later.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Bolin responds, the nervousness still present. “Of course.”

Hm. Odd.

I open my mouth to speak…and then close it.

Now with the urgency of Lin’s condition now gone, the memory of my conversation I had with Kuvira and my final decision now returns more louder than ever.

It’s time.

“There’s something I need to tell you, guys.” I announce, my voice calm and steady. “Well, specifically, I need to tell you something Korra and Mako.”

“Why us two?” Mako asks, eyebrow raised in curiosity.

I gaze downwards to the ground, and I rub my arm up and down. “Asami and Bolin already know.”

“Know what?” Korra presses.

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. Despite making my decision, I still feel my heart beating as fast as an Air Scooter.

“Back on Air Temple Island…” I begin softly, shifting my gaze to my friends now. “I phoned up my parents to tell them I got airbending and was planning on join the Air Nation…”

“What did they say?” the firebender asks.

I sigh yet again. “They told me if I join the Air Nation…they will disown me.”

Mako’s jaw drops in shock. Bolin and Asami stare at me with sympathy and care. And Korra…

“They…they couldn’t…”

I get it. I really, really do. Korra has known my parents for years. I’ve lost count of how many times she came to my house and played together while my parents watched on. They treated her almost like she was their own daughter.

“I thought the same.” I bitterly mutter. “But they did. They were being dead serious. They told me I was trying to abandon the Southern Water Tribe.”

“What?!” Korra exclaims, concern now being replaced with anger. “How could they do this?!”

“That’s not it.” I continue. I turn to face her directly and I see the fiery rage in her normally cool eyes. “They even brought you into it by wanting me to ask you take my bending away.”

“WHAT?!” Korra barks out. “That’s it! Let me call them and I’ll- “

“-Korra, no.” I interrupt her, placing both of my hands on her shoulders. I squeeze them gently. “It’s okay, I-“

“-It’s not okay!” she tells me. “They’re your parents and they’re willing to abandon you! That’s awful! How are you fine with all of this?”

“I’m not.” I bluntly tell her. “When the call ended, Bolin saw me as an emotional wreck. It has been bothering me since we’ve left Air Temple Island. I didn’t want everyone else knowing yet. I only told Asami about it because she’s had similar experiences with family trouble.”

“Why didn’t you tell me and Korra?” Mako questions. His tone doesn’t come across as judging or hurting or anything of the sort. Just curiosity.

I sigh. “You guys were so excited and focused on finding new airbenders and I…I didn’t want to be a downer.”

Before I can even react, Korra’s two strong arms pull me into a tight hug with her face buried in my shoulder.

“You will NEVER be a downer.” She assures me. “I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this. I knew something was off, but I had no idea it was this bad. I’m so sorry.”

The beating of my heart that was running as fast as a Satomobile slows down to a gentle pace and a comfortable warmth fills my form. I hug her back just as tightly and smile. “It’s okay. I get it and…I’ve made my decision.”

“And?” Asami asks.

Korra pulls back to look at me. I gaze at all of my friends, and I take a deep breath. “I’m going to join the Air Nation.”

“But your parents-“

“-Screw them.” I interrupt my best friend, looking back at her. “I’m not going to let them bully me into not living my life. I want to rebuild the Air Nation and be part of its culture. If they don’t want to be part of my life when I do that, so be it. It will hurt, really hurt, but…I have accepted it.”

As soon as I finish my monologue, two big, strong arms wrap around my waist and lift me upwards. I know the all too familiar hug.

“We’re so proud of you!” Bolin exclaims, voice overly emotional.

Mako and Asami walk closer to Korra, Bolin and, I, smiles full of pride on their features.

“Good on you, Y/N.” Mako compliments.

“I’m glad you’ve made your decision.” Asami adds on.

Korra is the last one who speaks up. “We’re always going to be here for you. I will always be here for you.”

Spirits…

I feel droplets beginning to form from the kind and heart-warming reassurances.

“I know.” I finally tell them, voice watery. “I have you, guys.”

“Yeah!” Bolin agrees, now excited. “You have Team Avatar!”

Classic Bolin.

I giggle at his excitement. “Yeah, I have Team Avatar.”

We’re like that for a moment or two, basking in the warmth that is our friendship. It feels like all the problems in the world are nothing but a minor inconvenience now.

Everything will be all right.

TIME SKIP

Darkness clouds my vision as I rouse from slumber.

Great. Another restless night.

Some time passed since I told my friends of my situation with my parents. Lin managed to fully recover and even patched things up with Suyin and her niece. Opal even convinced Suyin to let her go to the Northern Air Temple to learn and train with the rest of the airbenders. We just saw her depart a few hours ago.

At least, I think it was a few hours ago. I don’t know how long I slept. Ugh.

After a few minutes, my vision adjusts to the dark room and I can see everything more clearly. For now, though, I am not interested. I continue staring at the ceiling, lying flat on my back.

The thoughts of my parents stills fill my mind.

I have made my decision to join the Air Nation. Now I just need to tell them.

Tomorrow...

Yeah, tomorrow. I might as well get it over with.

After one phone call, my old life will be over.

Despite the hurt that will come, the wonder and joy of living the life of an Air Nomad will be worth it. I know it.

Maybe, just maybe, if I allow myself to think of it and if I’m really, really lucky…that new life will have Korra as my girlfri-

“THEY’VE GOT KORRA!”

WHAT?!

Scrambling out of my room and my own room, I see Mako and Bolin already sprinting out of theirs. I follow them soon afterwards, and I see four of the strangest people I have ever seen.

A tall and powerful woman with a jet black ponytail and a tattooed third eye. A combustion bender?!

A long-haired woman with…watertendrils as arms?! WHAT?!

A scruffy-looking bearded man with a dangerous build and stance, carrying an unconscious Korra over his shoulder. That bastard!

And a bald man in robes. Wait…he looks familiar somehow…

I don’t have much time to ponder on this, however, as the four individuals unleashed a tsusnami of attacks with boulders, flames, water whips, and gusts of wind.

Wait-

Gusts of wind?! An airbender?!

Zaheer…

That airbender must be Zaheer. Lin said he got airbending now.

But still…why do I feel like I know him?!

Again, I don’t have time to analyse that question but thankfully Bolin creates an earth barrier to block the initial attack of the boulders which buys us just enough time to dodge the other incoming attacks and take cover behind one of the metal pillars.

“Sound the alarm!” I yell out to any guards in the area. “Zaheer and his friends are here!”

My yell worked as not even a second afterwards an ear-piercing screech that was the alarm fills my ears and blinding headlights appear into view and start shining towards the four individuals.

My relief is short lived, however, as mere seconds later an explosion appears out of absolutely nowhere with a force of ten mecha tanks which fling the three of us backwards! I roughly land on my back and pain fills my entire form!

Asami rushes to us with panic and worry written clear on her face.

“We can’t let them take her.” Mako groggily tell us, trying to recover from the impact of the explosion.

“I don’t think they’re going to get far.” Asami reassures us. She points towards them with urgency. “Look!”

I turn to the direction Asami pointed at and I see it.

Together with the effort of Lin, Wei, Wong, Kuvira, and the rest of the guards they are able to trap the four fugitives in a metal prison of their own making.

“We have you surrounded. It’s over.” Kuvira declares, her tone not revealing any trace of fear or nervousness. “Release the Avatar!”

I rush up to them to examine the scene. Okay, okay. Good. They can’t escape now! There’s no way they can-

-Suddenly, the grass around begins to be filled with molten rock, then filled with a hot pool of lava!

WHAT?! HOW?!

The metal panels that trapped the four fugitives succumb to the overwhelming heat of the lava and one by one they fall apart, revealing them in battle stances.

“No way! That guy is lavabending!” Bolin exclaims with complete shock. “That’s awesome…ly not good for us.”

Lavabending?! That’s a thing?!

“Save your admiration for later, Bolin.” I snap at him.

Then I see the bald man use his wooden staff attempt to create some sort of cover for him and his friends with his airbending. One of the guards notices this and exploits the temporary vulnerability by shooting out a metal cable that wraps around his arms like a snake and with considerable strength, flings him away off the platform!

That man…why is he so damn familiar? I have to know!

I run. I run despite the yells and screams of my friends. I run to where the man lands as he fights two of the guards. Much to my surprise, he seems to be taking them on effortlessly with some sort of mixture of martial arts and airbending. Who in the spirits is this guy?!

He blasts the two a good distance away and before he can press his attack, I launch my own with a powerful gust of wind! He is sent back but quickly recovers with a retaliatory swing of his staff that creates a tunnel of wind in my direction. I dodge with a roll, raise my fist and-

Freeze.

So does the man, his eyes now so wide they look like they could pop open.

That face…

I know that face…

I know those olive green eyes and those sharp eyebrows. I know that slightly cut left eyebrow which has been disconnected from one section of the eyebrow to the other.

“Yorru?!” I exclaim, my stance faltering into shakiness.

The flash of recognition in his eyes confirms my suspicions. “Y/N?!”

It is Yorru!

Yorru is the man who tried to kidnap Korra?!

Yorru is Zaheer?!

“What are you doing?!” One of the two guards yells wh are now running back. They launch their metal cables at Yor-Zaheer, but he dodges them with a quick backflip. When he lands he launches yet another air strike which hits them again. This time, however, it knocks them out cold.

And I? I just stand there during all of this, still frozen in shock of the truth.

When the guards get knocked back, though, I snap out of it.

I rush forward to Zaheer and deliver a low air swipe kick in an attempt to knock him to the ground. I know he would most likely dodge it and when he does just now I use my low position from my previous attack to roll away from his counter-attack and then flip into the air, spin as fast as I can, and launch a powerful air kick!

Only for him to dodge it!

WHAT?!

Now left vulnerable midair, Zaheer launches an upward air kick in retaliation which knocks be back to the top of one of the pillars, hitting me straight in the spine.

“AGH!”

I land with a loud THUD! I try so hard to get up but the pain on my back is too much.

However, instead of seeing him towering above me, I glance up and I see Zaheer looking back at the platform with his face full of panic.

Panic?!

I look to the source of his fear, and I see it.

Lin Beifong, Korra in her arms, holding a metal cable that is elevating her to the top of the dome, away from the other fugitives.

YES!

My relief quickly vanishes because Zaheer turns his staff into an air glider and begins advancing towards the two in the air!

NO!

Luckily, Lin dodges Zaheer’s attack and before he can launch another one Suyin appears in a metal cable of her own and sends dozens of daggers into his direction, ruining one of the wings of the glider and causing him to land back onto the glider!

Before, I can celebrate the victory, however, the entire area is filled with black smoke that clouds my eyes! When my vision recovers, they are gone!

HOW?!

Despite the frustration, though, we had a victory. We saved Korra.

KORRA!

Ignoring the excruciating torment, I am feeling, I slowly rise to my feet. Almost immediately after I get up my back engulfs into a fiery torture of suffering. “AH!”

“Y/N!” Asami yells, rushing forward to me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” I snap, trying to advance forward. However, as soon as I take a step, I begin tumbling back onto the floor. Luckily, Asami catches me just in time.

“You’re not fine!” She retorts angrily. “You’re badly hurt!”

“I don’t care!” I bark back. “I need to see Korra! Is she okay?!”

“Lin and Suyin have her.” She replies. “We need to give you some medical attention.”

DAMMIT!

TIME SKIP

We are in Suyin’s office. I am sat with Mako, Bolin, and Asami on one sofa while on the sofa opposite, Korra lies still while Aiwei takes care of her. When I saw her, my heart broke again. I haven’t seen her this bad since she broke down sobbing in front of Tenzin and I during the Equalist Crisis. No, scratch that. This is worse.

“This should neutralise the shirashu toxins.” Aiwei informs Korra, handing her some sort of drink. It seems to have worked slightly, as I see her slightly moving her fingers. It ain’t much but it’s a start.

“How could you let this happen?!” Lin yells at Suyin, frustration clearly present. “You assured me this was one of the most secure places in the world.”

“It is.” Suyin counters. “I don’t know how this happened. Obviously, this was a well-planned operation, so don’t blame me.”

WHAT?! How fucking dare she!

“Take some fucking responsibility!” I loudly tell her, my rage allowing me to ignore the pain of my back. “It’s clear you have a rat within Zaofu! A rat who is very influential and knows the city inside and out like your guards! Your arrogance nearly costed Korra’s life!”

The short-lived peace we established has fallen apart as Suyin glares daggers at me. “You have no right to lecture me, Y/N! We will question them all! Whoever betrayed my city will suffer the consequences!”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Oh, so when outsiders make “some mistakes” you give them second chances but when someone within Zaofu makes one then they will get punished? Fucking rich!”

“Enough, Y/N!” Lin barks out, silencing me in an instant. The anger, while still present, is mixed with shame and guilt.

Dammit. I told Korra I would tolerate Suyin and I already failed…

“Everyone!”

We all turn to the voice and I see Kuvira, standing tall and proud. “We searched the entire estate. There’s no sign of them.”

DAMMIT!

“Well, keep looking!” Lin orders at the captain.

Now that the silence has filled the room, despite the intensity due to the argument between Suyin and I, my mind returns to Zaheer.

I need to tell them.

“I met Zaheer before.” I announce.

“WHAT?!” everyone shouts, absolutely shocked. Even Korra, in her paralysed state, appears shocked with her widened eyes.

“When?!” Lin demands. “When did this happen?!”

“It was just before Harmonic Convergence.” I explain, trying my hardest to recollect. “Korra, Jinora, and I meditated into the Spirit World to close the Northern and Southern Portals, but we got separated. A spirit told me to go to Wan Shi Tong’s Spirit Library for some answers. When I got lost, Zaheer approached me. He said his name was Yorru and he guided me to the library and just…disappeared.”

“Did he say anything to you?!” Lin demands, quickly processing my story and like a true Chief of Police seeks out any other relevant information. “Anything at all?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose as I concentrate to find the memories.

“I simply spend my time in this realm because it makes me feel more free than ever. Freedom is essential to one's happiness."

“I haven't been free in a long time. "What ifs" and what could have beens have been plaguing my mind for years. I'm homeless, you see? I am worthless to the eyes of corrupt leaders of the nations. But here? Here, I feel more alive than ever."

“I did. Three of them, actually. They were my best friends. One of them...she...she was the love of my life. But they're gone now."

"I, too, find the culture fascinating. I admire it. Their views on life and how the world works are truly inspiring."

“He…he talked about freedom, corrupt nation leaders, having three now gone best friends with one of them being the love of his life, and his fascination with the Air Nomads.” I slowly tell them as I begin to remember the words. “I assume the three friends he was talking about was the other fugitives present. However, he also claimed he was homeless. For all I know some of it could be bullshit.”

“It’s the best we’ve got.” The Chief tells me. “That’s more information we’ve had about him than when we interrogated him.”

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Mako questions.

I frown. “I didn’t think it was important. How was I supposed to know he was a criminal? That doesn’t matter now, what matters is that we need to find out let them in and why.”

“And we will do just that!” Suyin exclaims. “We won’t stop until the traitor is found!”

She marches off, anger still burning within her. I frown yet again. The absolute hypocrisy of that woman drives me fucking insane!

I glance back at Korra who is still lying flat on her back and paralysed. I’ve never seen her so helpless before in my life.

My fists clench at the sight.

Zaheer will suffer for this.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that's it!

Did you know Yorru was Zaheer? He used that name when he infiltrated Air Temple Island in "Rebirth"

Hope you all enjoyed it!

Feedback is appreciated!

See you all in the next chapter!

[bvannn]

Weekly update February 23, 2024

I know I just woke up so this is early, but I don’t anticipate having time to write this later. I’ve had a ton of homework this week and been feeling really bad. I don’t know how much of it is more lingering sickness from surgery, if I caught something going around campus, how much of it is my congenial illness, or if there’s something else, but I assume it’s a mix. That coupled with homework means I didn’t really get much of anything done this week. I don’t know how next week will be. My congenial condition is probably the worst, because it prevents me from being able to get up out of bed when it’s flaring up, so I’m going a lot longer without food. That coupled with surgery sickness making me anxious and trying to justify not eating, has me a bit worried but not worried enough to force myself to eat. I feel gross when I eat. My stomach hurts every time, most of the food I have isn’t healthy anyway, it’s smarter just to not. That’s probably why I got more drunk off of less alcohol last night, honestly, although I did force myself to have lunch and dinner so I wouldn’t put myself in danger.I play it overly safe with alcohol, since I know how much it takes to almost kill me, and alcohol is really the only reliable way to take an anxious edge off before bed right now. I have leftover oxycodone from surgery but I want to save that for when I need the painkilling effects, and I have a couple friends begging and pleading me to try weed again, but I’ve never really had a desire to, and I haven’t really known why until I really thought about it this morning: weed puts a focus on your body, it doesn’t numb your nerves like alcohol or oxy do. Which means it brings focus to my condition, which is distressing. It’s like meditation, it only works if you’re already healthy. I wish I could have put that together sooner, it probably would have made turning it down a lot easier, since they would understand. I know they aren’t trying to be malicious, they just don’t understand because I had no way of communicating it to them. Now that I know what’s wrong, I can put it off for a while, until my congenial condition is cleared up, in a few years. Anyway enough Health rambling, art stuff

The main thing I did in the way of art this week was fiddling with vocaloid. Still not sure which banks to get, but it doesn’t matter too much since I won’t have the money for them for a good while anyway. Right now is to throw together the actual vpr files with the default banks, and then pass them to friends on discord who already have the banks, so they an render the MP3 and pass it back to me. Extra steps, sure, but it’ll work. I’m hoping to find a way to copy and paste the phonetic lyrics too, so I can see how the Japanese banks handle English, but no dice so far. If I need to write them out manually, I can, too.

As for instrumental music: I keep trying to throw together small beats late at night and they always sound like shit. I posted the one the other day and the next morning it was terrible, but I used a drum machine of course it was going to sound awful. I do essentially have the ambient instrumental one done, still running it past test audiences, which is a bit harder since people are less likely to spend the time test listening to a song vs giving a drawing a once over. I’m tempted to make my own discord server to try and garner a little community where people can test listen to stuff and post art, but I don’t know if I’d have a way of moderating it, I’ve seen some awful people on public discords. I might give it a few listens over myself and maybe just send it anyway, but I don’t trust my ears, I maybe don’t hear the instruments at the volume they actually are. I’m not sure, which is why I want to play it safe by passing it through peer review. Peer review is important, it’s the reason hazbin hotel was good while helluva boss wasn’t.

I haven’t been doing drawings, due to time and energy. Today is the due date for the worst of my homework, so I’ll try to get stuff done this weekend. I want to animate but have been having art block in that department. Honestly a fair amount of art block all around. Energy is also a component but last night I slept well, so I’ll try to get more sleep in the next few days, see how it helps. Unfortunately that’ll mean no staying up late to do drawings but that’s fine probably.

I also haven’t been getting comic progress done the way I want, but it’ll be fine, I can pick up again soon. I’m at 20 pages thumbnailed, moving into ‘act 3’, then I’ll go over and add in whatever I need to reach count and to fix any unnatural scenes. I’ll try to get back to ‘one a day’ starting tomorrow. Block is a bit hard on thumbnailing because it makes me just want to slap the panels on the page, but that’s lazy, I can have more fun with it than that.

I think next week the plan is going to be eat less food, spend more time with friends, go to bed earlier, back to one a day thumbnails, and whatever else I make I make. I’ll try to get art to go with that finished song done, and I’ll try to figure out how to sound balance it. Hopefully I can get that done in time to post it before the next update.

[spookycrazyhatboxghost]

Birbs and d’s

[When Cayssan’dra had opened her door to see her son there glassy eyed and at such an odd hour—she had no choice but to drag him into a hug that he nearly collapsed into.

{Hello little one—}

As the door shut behind him Xók gave a distressed chirp; clinging to her like he’d not done since he was a child. Wings lax—smelling of sugar and chocolate to the point where it almost covered his scent completely.

{Baking again?}

She teased knowing why; it was a secret so naturally the whole castle knew. Her son didn’t answer right away just let the tension in his shoulders drop.

When he spoke there was a quality to his voice that made her think he’d not been sleeping much these days.

{Mother— there’s something wrong with me.}

Caysan’dra lead him over to the long sofa and settled with him there. Voice serious but gentle in a way few ever heard it she asked.

{What happened?}

Xok took a breath and the words poured from him with the honesty she was so fiercely protective of.

{I’ve accepted my feelings for Alo’r and Joha— and my friend Sa-Lang too. Still —I know thoughts are not deed’s— but I wanted Lord Savage to kiss me— my heart is a selfish and greedy thing mom—can you help me make it stop? }

Xok folded forward and laid his head in her lap; a small sob has her fingers combing through his hair before she can even think about it.

{Oh my darling bird— you never do anything by halves do you? Alo’r Maul, Lord Savage and his consort—and The Captain of the Guard? Your grandmother would be so proud of you!} A huff of laughter—not mean spirited but almost gleeful.

Xok hides his face and she continues in a gentler tone still combing through his long hair.

{You will face no judgment from me—you are my son and I love you. People talk an awful lot when they think no one’s is paying attention…}.

Xok gave a derisive snort.

{They seem to do nothing else—it’s a wonder the Palace runs as smoothly as it does— I suppose they must work as well as they gab….. there was something else— I am ashamed to come to you with this but the HoloNet gives me nothing but filth—}

Xok looks up at her; gold eyes red rimmed but he finds his voice:

{I’ve been having dreams and wake up affected— Sha assured me this is normal. But it’s nearly daily now and the hunger— It lingers…practically all day}

Xok hisses and his wings shudder as he finished in a softer tone. {That is definitely not normal behavior for me— is it because I’ve not cohabitated with someone I’m intimate with before? Am I dying?}

Understanding blooms and Cayssan’dra does laugh then—harder at the ruffled way Xók stands; frustration making his wings flare and fluff—also stop being so vague.

“It’s not funny! All the HoloNet gave me was secret and graphic Harpy porn!— I had to wipe my datapad search history due to the shock of it mom!”

She stills his hands from flailing further—tone kind and her face open—honest as she says simply.

{It’s just springtime little one—completely natural for you especially at this age…}

Xók’s eyes go wide and his mouth drops open for a moment before he feels a deep blush start: he croaked out weakly—

“Please don’t tell me—I— no! This is the worst timing—”

Mando’a slipping into Basic with a bewildered wheeze.

His mother arches a brow. {Delaying it after not having it will only make it stronger. Your mother and I tried that—still ended with me throughly made pregnant after two weeks in bed instead of one}

Xok stares at her uncomprehending for a moment.

“Mom—can I even get someone pregnant? or have—a clutch? With the way I am—”

“Harpies are both carriers and givers—it’s all up to personal leanings and their health”

Her smirk softened then she frowns.

“I’ve really dropped the ball on these talks with you if you arn’t aware of the basics”

Xók feels a little defensive when he replied.

“The Medbay did a full panel on me—by human standers I should be sterile since half my equipment is internal—something about body temperature”

His mother gave a dismissive wave

“They only counted your human half— if your concerns are birth control I have a recipe your Ama used diligently right up until the cycle we conceived you”

Xók breathed out “How are you so causal about this?”

Cayssan’dra grinned and pulls him forward until their foreheads rested together.

{My son-there is no shame in this—in you or your several trusted options in partner. I want you to be happy— happy and safe as any parent wishes.}

“Thank you mom—I’d really like to not have to worry about chicks the whole time—how will I know when— it starts?”

The harpy kneels and sits tailors style on the floor; chin balanced on his palms.

“Your scent will get stronger— when you we’re little Ryeia would hold you close as she rocked you saying they smells like the meadow that grew around my childhood home! Seeetgrass marigolds and wild poppies’ she said with the most beautiful smile—singing and rocking you” She paused but after a soft smile at him speaks again:

“It weakened considerably when you had me removed your wings but now that they’ve matured along with you, it will start to get more noticeable. It will shift; sweeten, especially at the beginning of your cycle as a warning—a sign to prepare… touching will feel different—better. You might bite or like to be bitten—that will probably heighten if already something you enjoy.—”

“Mom—”

She keeps talking

“Cycles can last a week or more if you’ve put it off— and any moment you arn’t being touched by your partner will feel like a moment too long. Now to the maters of sex—”

“Mom no—”

Xok falls sideways and covers his face.

She talks louder.

“You will feel the need to get into someone or have someone fill that empty feeling— or possibly both”

Cayssan’dra laughed at his expression. And adds

“There are toys for this if you don’t have a partner/partners. in mind—”

Xók actually perks up at this; “I could go through this without having to bother someone?”

She looked crossly at him.

“Your needs are not a bother!”

“I hate being an inconvenience—I just got reinstated I have my duty to Alo’r—my work with Grann. I can’t afford to disappear for a week or more just because my harpy dna decided I needed to fuck—to be flooded with cum until my body is satisfied”

“Xók’ore!” The harpy flinched at her tone.

”—I’m sorry mom that was too far. I should go”

Her gaze softened and she nods.

{Get some sleep little one. I’ll get you the herb tonic by Primeday of next week. A cap full every morning and you won’t have a clutch unless you wish to— condoms should be used just in case but there are other ways to have sex then the ones

That end with children you know?}

Xok nods “the HoloNet is a vast and dark place— I’ll look into the toys. Thank you for talking with me”

He hugs her and merely purrs for a few minutes before letting go and getting up.

“There’s a loaf of chocolate swirl bread in with the cookies—good n—”

Xok looks at his Comm and sighs.

“Good morning— I’m going to bed”

Xók goes home; the castle is quiet as the first rays of dawn as he reaches his apartment. Sa-Lang is sleeping with Syril on his chest. He takes a hot shower; keeping his wings out of the stream but washing everything else.

Pulls on a shirt and crawls into bed—tucking himself against Sha’s side and letting the quiet breaths and his scent lull him to sleep.

[jayfurr]

Major depression update, March 2024

Random thoughts about depression: I suffer from major depression. I have for most of my life, dating back to middle school at the very least. Depression causes me to have difficulty doing things I need to do. I procrastinate significantly more and I don't have the energy to do things I enjoy. Something a lot of people don't understand about depression -- it's not necessarily (or at all) linked to "feeling bad about something", though one hallmark of major depression is that one's brain goes looking for things to be depressed about and then points to those things as the "cause" du jour. Depression is an expression of biochemistry, life experience, stress, and so on. I imagine that I would probably have been very depressed even if I had led the absolute perfect life. My father had undiagnosed major depression. My mom's mom was institutionalized for most of her life due to symptoms that sound an awful lot like major depression. (The state of medical care in rural Florida was not always what one would have liked it to have been.)  You can't ignore the role genetics plays in mental health. What helps? Talk therapy (working with counselors) does not really help me. Medicine helps somewhat, but is not helping much with my latest bout of black moods. I've gone through extensive DBT (dialectial behavior therapy) training and am familiar with skills like radical acceptance, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation. It's just that sometimes those skills can only do so much. I would probably feel better if I started getting intense regular exercise. I've been pretty sessile for the last year -- partly because of my having been chair of my local Selectboard and always had things to do (and had a lot of stress as well), partly because it rained nonstop last summer, and partly because I made a ton of excuses all fall and winter. I have hopes that as the weather continues to warm I'll find it easier to get outdoors and get going for walks again. I'm heading to Bermuda on Saturday for a week's vacation and am, unfortunately, stressing about that. Our flight leaves BTV at 5:20 am -- that's leaves, not boards. Carole is not a morning person to begin with and will probably have been up late Friday night packing (she has depression too and she's terrible at tasks that require organizational skills like, oh, packing).  Once we're actually on the plane and in the air heading to our connection in Charlotte, I expect I'll feel better. Read the full article

[chronic-invisibility]

Tw for talking about sa

I spent so much time denying that it happened and then started thinking maybe it really did happen and it wasnt just that fucked up dream and i spent so much time in the hospital going “i wish i’d just know if it was real or not” but now that i know it was real and it did happen i wish i didnt remember at all. And i still feel like maybe i made it all up or it wasnt real or it wasnt really that bad, everybody i’ve ever heard talk about this kind of thing talks about flashbacks and body memories and stuff like that even if they don’t remember the actual event itself and i don’t have any of that except for that one dream but that was a few months after it happened and nothing since then. It feels weirdly invalidating that i’m not more distressed by this other than the stressing out i’m doing mentally but like shouldn’t i be having flashbacks or something? Not that i want to feel like it’s happening again or anything but for all the anxiety i have about this thing, shouldn’t i be more actively distressed by it? Maybe it’s because i dont remember most of it bc i was extremely intoxicated and was either asleep or blacked out or passed out for most of it, i just woke up and went “woah hey no i dont like this” and got the fuck out of there but i have no idea what happened while i was unconscious. No idea how long, or if anyone else was involved, or what he did, or even the exact date. And the gaps in my memories from that night scare me, like really really really scare me. Was it just bc i was fucked up? Did my brain just block it out and it’ll come back some day? Was that an indicator of some kind of extremely serious mental health issue? Was he right, did i say i wanted him to keep going? Bc i dont remember that and if i did then is it my fault, or was it not my fault bc i was fucked up? Was it my fault Because i was fucked up and i knew things were getting sketchy and i should have been more careful? Was it even assault if i told him to keep going, even if i dont remember that? Was he lying? Was that what he meant by karma when he sent that horrible message to me? Or did that message happen after this? I have no idea. It’s been over 3 years, should i get tested for sti’s just in case? Would that even matter after this long? Do i have to tell doctors about this when they ask if i’m sexually active? I don’t even know what happened, how do i tell a medical professional this thing happened but i have basically no details about it, they probably wouldn’t believe me. And i lost contact with the only person i’d trust to tell me the truth about that night. I’m so scared that i’m never going to really know what happened, i’m scared that if i do remember what happened i won’t be able to handle it, i’m scared about the blackout or whatever it was, and i’m scared and upset that i kept fooling around with him after that, bc i didnt remember what he did. I started trying to write down what i do remember and a lot of stuff has come back about that night but there’s still a lot of gaps and that really really scares me. I know our brains can block out traumatic events to protect us, i’m hoping that’s all that is and it’s not an indicator of something really seriously wrong. I know i need to deal with this in therapy eventually bc i can’t just keep pushing it down and not dealing with it, but i’m not sure i could even say any of this out loud, much less process it, and it would probably be hard to actually do much processing or healing when i barely remember anything of what happened to me. I just don’t know how to deal with any of this and i hate that this happened and i hate that i remembered it and i fucking hate him for doing this to me and fucking up my life, and i hate myself for putting myself in that situation and letting him fuck things up and i hate that i’m so powerless right now in all of this. Some day hopefully i’ll be able to process all this and learn how to live with this awful thing that happened, but right now i’m just not ready, which isn’t helping me feel better. Fuck.

[heavensigh]

I thought I wanted to write because it's been so long but now I’m unmotivated. Even if it is for my mental health. So I’ll split it into sections again.

Love:

Chu got his vasectomy about a week ago. He was nice enough to let the budding doctors take a wack at it so his procedure went a bit long but he is healing nicely.  Of course, I’m horny, but we have to wait. Once his deadline is up he’ll have to ejaculate at least twice a week before his next appointment to “clean out” his system. Watch I’ll not even be in the mood lol. He also got his wisdom teeth pulled out as well. Just two and his mouth isn’t giving him any issues. He’s still on a soup diet until he’s fully healed but he’s been handling it like a champ.

School: I graduated during the summer and it was a very casual event. I didn’t walk across the stage since I didn’t see the point in flying all the way to NC to do so but I did take some meh pictures in the park. A bunch of homeless people watched and asked me questions, I mean really trying to get us to engage with them. The sun was out and it was hot as hell and I got annoyed. We went to get Mexican food afterward at the city’s highest-rated Mexican restaurant spot but our food was dry as hell. I have some questions concerning my degree and the accreditation but oddly the director of the program has not returned my emails or phone calls. Which is weird because he was always on it when I was enrolled.

Work: I hate work. I haven’t even made it to the 6th-month spot and I’m already fed up. The support staff at my firm is cool as hell, we all get along great but my attorney is a massive bitch 89% of the time. Sometimes I just lay in bed and pretend a natural disaster has happened and it would give me a great reason not to go to work. It's an awful thought process I know and this way of thinking is not normal or healthy. I’m just itching to do my “I QUIT” speech but Chu is begging me to tough it out. My paycheck allows us to get ahead. Ahead of all the debt we have, the savings we don’t and the expensive housing projects we need to finish. Without me working we’re back to scraping by with NOTHING extra. I’m really struggling with the 5 days on, and 2 days off though. It's not enough. It has never been enough and now that I’ve tasted something different... I want it again. Capitalism really is a bitch. The whole thing has me searching about going back to school, maybe getting into marketing since it's something I keep coming back to and I actually use it on my side businesses. I could see myself having a lot of fun with something like that. But I can’t afford to go back to school. Cali is really stretching us thin. We gotta move ASAP.

Family: My sister is pregnant and driving me insane with the baby shower thing. They know how I feel about kids and yet are constantly asking me to babysit and help with the whole thing. I don’t mind kids, but I limit my contact with them. I’ve gone to TWO children’s birthday parties and though it's nice to catch up and I’m sick of being exposed to their germs. But hell, the adults aren’t much better. I’m just sick of people who use their kid as a buffer. It's like when women hit a certain age and have children, all they want to talk about is that. I don’t need every single update on lil Johnny, tell me about YOU. It also doesn’t help that my mother treats me childfree lifestyle as a passing phase for me. She and my sister keep making comments that once my new nephew is here that I will magically change my opinion and want one for myself. So just screw my other nieces and nephews huh? Ugh.

Fitness Journey: Something is wrong with me. I have no concept of food or gaining muscles. A few weeks ago I had a glorious drop in both body fat and inches but I quickly rebounded the week after. I was distressed and I’m honestly not seeing any improvement in myself after these 8 weeks. My schedule at the gym has been spotty. I had to take 3 days off because we had an out-of-town trip. Then I had the sniffles and couldn’t bring myself the chance to get someone else sick. It's been a mess. And on top of that my new coach is awful. He has stopped responding to my check-ins and doesn’t offer anything but basic sayings and advice. I should have gone with my gut and not hired this guy. What a freaking waste.

Life is just...I can’t complain because I’m healthy and highly blessed in many areas, but my mental health is suffering greatly because of all this stress in my position.

[dreamingofaizawa]

Potent

Alpha! Hanta Sero x Fem! Omega! Reader

***18+ Fic***

If you are under the age of 18 please vacate the premises.

Warnings: A/B/O, smut, knotting, marking, breeding kink (sorta? idk it comes with the A/B/O territory), a hint of pregnancy kink, a bit of blood

Word Count: 3.6 k

Author's Note: Ohhhhkaayyy so this has been sitting in my google doc for AGES. I think I started this in...October of last year? It's been sitting there for months and I've lacked the motivation to finish and post it but then I sent in an anon ask to @reinawritesbnha and, being the absolute queen she is, she became the little push I needed to do it. I DID IT FOR REINA!!

Also, this is some of my earliest writing and I only skimmed and edited a little bit of it so if there's a little bit of weird pacing or a strange cutoff where the writing styles clash it's because I haven't touched this piece in months.

Anywho, enjoy~

*

*

*

It had to happen when you were surrounded by alphas.

Your suppressants flaked out, again, and your scent wafted through the air on the street. Normally It’d be fine for an omega to let their scent float freely around them. But your scent is particularly...potent, even when you weren’t in heat. Not only that, but you weren’t mated yet, your scent glands still bare, and you still didn’t have a pack. To make matters worse, you’re quirkless.

You hadn’t realised what was happening until your path was blocked by an especially large male alpha. You turned around, and there were two more behind you. Fuck. This isn’t good. You took in your surroundings and searched for an exit, but you couldn’t find a way out. There's no way you’d be able to outrun the three very large male alphas.

Probably the worst part is that more alphas are turning their head toward you, taking notice of your lavender honey and rain scent that slowly began turning to a sour swamp. You dared to hope that change would ward off the three cornering you, but they’d already got a whiff of you. Several distressed chirps sounded from your chest, voicing your discomfort, and you glared pointedly at the three alphas as they edged closer to you.

You hate when this happened. Why’d you have to be cursed like this? Your growls only grew, baring your little omega fangs. There’s no way in hell you’d let some stranger scent you, let alone one of these creeps. They wouldn’t take the damn hint and just crept closer to you, calling out to the ‘pretty little omega’ to ‘come have some fun’.

You’re scared now, the involuntary chirps in your chest coming more frequently. None of the other alphas or betas on the street were big enough to face the three, making you a sitting duck and a ragdoll if they wanted you to be. Your claws are small, nowhere near ideal for this situation, but you’d use them if you needed to. With a final low defiant growl you dropped your bag against the wall behind you and readied yourself for a fight.

Suddenly a large body dropped in front of you, his back to you. His scent alone hit you like a freight train, orange zest, mint, tree bark and something earthy. It had your head spinning, nearly sending you into an early heat. He growled, low and powerful, the sound rattling in your chest and making you sink further into the wall behind you. The other three alpha’s scents together were still overpowered by the new alpha before you, and they vanished faster than they appeared.

He turned around and stepped away from you, giving you space to breathe. He kneeled down enough so he was eye level with you, his hands reaching out clearly in an attempt to comfort you, but kept from touching you.

“Are you okay?” The question barely registered, still delirious from his scent, and you’re having a hard time recovering. Large hands grip your shoulders and shake you lightly, your mind beginning to clear with the soothing pheromones he’s releasing.

“Omega.” The command snapped you to attention, your gaze fixated on his own dark irises.

“Are you okay, omega?” You blink, swallow down the lump in your throat, take a deep breath.

“Yeah...I’m okay. Thank you, alpha.” But you’re not quite okay. You need to get home. Fast. The alpha seemed to catch on, probably by your scent that still hadn’t returned to normal. He stands and slips off his jacket, draping it over your shoulders and wrapping you in his scent. It’s a comforting gesture.

“Let’s get you home.” With a nod you set off, the man walking next to you with a strong, warm hand on the middle of your back.

“What’s your name?” You introduce yourself, and he does the same. His name is Sero Hanta, and now that you’re calm again, you take in just how handsome he is.

Raven hair is pulled back into a small bun, showing off his undercut and strong, sharp jawline. Onyx eyes shine with kindness and playful mischief, and a beaming grin reveals pearly white teeth. He’s incredibly toned, his muscles calmly rippling under the t-shirt that stretched over his chest. You vaguely noticed the strange shape of his elbows, but disregarded it as his quirk. The omega in you is howling, begging for this alpha, his scent invading your senses. But you suppress it quickly, reminding yourself you’d only just met this man.

As you reach your apartment you exchange phone numbers, and he tells you to keep the jacket and use it when you go out to ward off any unwanted attention. You thank him again for helping you earlier, and he waves to you as he walks down the hall and enters the elevator, the doors closing in front of his handsome smiling face.

Despite meeting him only ten minutes earlier your instincts trust the alpha, and you hold the jacket close to your face, breathing in his scent. It’s wonderful, and your inner omega is in love. You find yourself wondering when you’d see him again.

The next few days are riddled with work and calls to your doctor about the strength of your suppressants. You work from home as a secretary for a small company. It’s a miracle you’d found it, too. Nobody wants an omega, let alone a potent one. It’s an alpha’s world, you guess. When this job opening popped up you were ecstatic, so you took it and have been working from home with decent pay for the last five years.

The calls to your doctor were not going as smoothly as your job, though. You leave a message every four hours until she finally calls you back. She was concerned since the suppressants she’d prescribed are the strongest out there, and if your scent was overpowering them they were either defective or your scent glands were overproducing. It wasn’t an immediate threat to your health, it only meant you’d be drawing more attention than you wanted to. Still, it’s annoying and makes life so much harder than it needs to be.

After she prescribed twice the amount, she said she’d look over your tests from the latest visit before she hung up the phone. You groaned once the call ended. You seriously needed a break from your second gender. Taking the prescribed double dose of suppressants, you got ready to go out to the corner cafe to read and drink coffee. Hopefully the new amount will keep steady. You really don’t want to deal with any more aggressive alphas this week. For good measure you pull on Sero’s jacket, allowing his scent to cover you, then grab your keys, phone, wallet and a book and begin the walk.

When you arrive at the cafe you order a hot mocha, curl into the small corner booth and crack open the book. You got lost in the ink and your mind floated along the adventure, putting yourself in the shoes of the main character and leading the mission to take down the corrupt queen who’d framed you for killing the prince of a neighboring kingdom. You were ripped from the fantasy world when a bright, enthusiastic blonde came up and tapped you on the shoulder, making you jump. His smile was as bright as his hair.

“Sorry to scare you cutie, but I couldn’t help but notice that jacket of yours smells an awful lot like my friend Sero!” You smile softly at the blonde.

“Well if we’re talking about the same Sero Hanta, then your nose would be correct. This is his jacket.” His eyes widen as he nods.

“Oh my gosh you must be the omega he keeps talk-” The blonde’s words became muffled by a large hand. A hand that belonged to the very man you were talking about. Sero smiles apologetically down at you as he shoves the blonde back to where you assume they’re sitting.

“Sorry about Kami, he’s… extroverted.” You smile back at him, mostly because you’re happy to see him again.

“It’s no problem at all. He recognized your scent on me.” He looked down and only then realized you’re wearing his jacket, and he beams at you. Then he takes a glance at the booth you’re sitting all alone at, his smile falling just a bit.

“Do you wanna come sit with us?” You take a moment to think about the offer, then agree with a nod. Your omega couldn’t pass up more time with him.

As you approach the booth you notice there are more people with Sero than you anticipated. There were four other people sitting there. Sero introduced all of them from left to right. Bakugo Katsuki, Kirishima Eijiro, Ashido Mina, and the happy blonde from earlier is Kaminari Denki. You introduce yourself and when Sero slid into the booth, you followed after him.

These five are a tight pack, and you learn they all met in high school. Bakugo’s brash personality made you wary at first, but it didn’t take long to realize he’s just like that with everyone. He makes a bit of a snippy remark, which you easily counter, and he smirks while the rest smile or snicker. It would seem they like you.

You can’t tell what their second genders are, and you mentally kick yourself for even wondering in the first place. Their genders are none of your concern, but you can’t blame yourself when you’re constantly alert because of your own stupid second gender. As it turns out, you don’t need to wait very long to find out.

This time you smell your own scent as it permeates the air around you. You swear under your breath at the stupid suppressants that obviously can’t so their job, and the others snap their gazes to you. You sigh.

“Yeah, that scent is me. My suppressants flaked again. Sorry about that.” They all nodded, seemingly understanding. Sero must have told them about the other day. Of course, it would soon repeat. It didn’t take long for an alpha to take notice of your scent. The man -- why is it always the largest males??? -- strides up to the booth with a cocksure grin and leans down to inhale your scent. You duck away from him, into Sero, and let out an albeit small warning growl that was drowned in Sero and Kirishima’s. He ignored them all the same.

“Hey there little omega, you smell real nice. You wanna come hang with me instead? We can have some fun together with my buddies, what do you say?” The others stayed quiet. They’re going to let you defend yourself before they do anything in case they end up escalating the situation. You turn your head and lift your shoulder, hiding your scent gland.

“I’m not interested, thank you. Please leave me alone.” You hoped to whatever deity watched over you that the man would leave. Before anyone could react the alpha grabbed your wrist in a vice grip, yanking you roughly from your seat. You chirp, your scent turning sour and the entire pack abruptly stands, baring their fangs at the man. It barely registered in your head that Kirishima and Bakugo are alphas, Mina is a beta, and Kaminari is an omega, their fangs giving them away.

The man tightens his grip on your wrist and you cry out, your bones creaking under the pressure. With no other options you did the one thing that would get him to let go, and sank your fangs into his wrist. You jump back into Sero, who wraps an arm around you protectively.

“You bit me, you bitch!” He raises an arm, clearly about to try and hit you, but a large hand grabs his wrist. Surprisingly enough it’s Bakugo, and his growl is laced into his words.

“Leave now, or you lose a hand.” Sero speaks up from above you.

“You might wanna listen, amigo. That’s Dynamight.” The alpha rips his arm from Bakugo’s hold and looks down at you, and you growl at him as he scoffs and walks away, apparently not ready to fight the #2 pro hero over an omega.

You all sit back down and you pull up the sleeve of the jacket to inspect the already forming bruise on your wrist. Your nose wrinkles with a half-angry half-pained snarl. Tenderly, Sero takes your wrist and lightly squeezes the sides of your forearm, against your bones, and your lack of reaction tells him nothing’s broken. Still, he growls at the offending bruise.

“I’m gonna kill him.” You shake your head and put a hand over his.

“It’s not worth it Sero. He’s probably long gone.” You turn to the rest of the pack.

“Thank you for protecting me.” Kirishima is the first to speak.

“Of course! That dude was a jerk. I just hope he doesn’t go around doing that to other omegas.” Bakugo, surprisingly, spoke next.

“Obviously we’d protect you. You’re a potent omega and quirkless, so you attract unwanted attention without even knowing or wanting to. Besides, if you’re gonna be Sero’s omega there’s no way in hell we’d let some extra handle you like that.” The implications make your face burn, and Kirishima smacks the blonde’s arm with a ‘Don’t just say that kind of thing, Katsuki.’

After an hour or two of talking, and shockingly no other aggressive alphas, they all walk you home to your apartment. Sero wanted to check on your wrist again, so you invited them all in, but they all had something else to do, so you were left alone with Sero. The fact that the one alpha you desperately wanted to be around is alone with you in your apartment is both great and terrible. Thankfully, you have self-control and his own suppressants are working perfectly fine.

He inspected the darkening bruise on your wrist, his large hands gripping your arm tenderly and turning it gently as he prods at the skin. It doesn’t hurt too bad, so you assure him you’ll be perfectly fine. Eventually he leaves with a hug and you sigh once the door is closed, relieved that you were able to keep your omega at bay and your hands to yourself.

A couple days later you get a text from him and the two of you text often, asking how each other’s day went, if anything interesting had happened. You didn’t leave your apartment unless you needed to, since your suppressants clearly weren’t working, so you made sure to cut grocery trips short and keep away from any alphas that seemed a bit aggressive. Sero invited you to hang out with the pack at their house, and you obliged.

They lived in a huge house all together. Most of the rooms were sealed so no scents or sounds could go in or out for ruts and heats, and there were several spare rooms that were empty and waiting for more pack members. It was a fun hangout, filled with video games and good conversation, and even better food which Bakugo cooked. Sero had an arm around you whenever he was close, and you definitely didn’t mind. Your suppressants flaked in the middle, again, and Sero insisted he walk you home. With him walking you home there weren’t any alphas trying to get you this time. You ended up going over to hang out with them a lot when you weren’t working, and eventually Sero began to court you.

Obviously, you accepted, and after a few months of dating and scenting, your overactive scent glands seemed to mellow out, Sero’s scent mixing with it. Your suppressants are lasting much longer now, which is a good sign. Now that you’re Sero’s omega, he often helped you with your heats and you’d help him with his ruts, and he was strong-willed enough that he hadn’t marked or knotted you in the middle of things.

About a year and a half into the relationship you realize you really love him. Sure you had arguments, but everything was settled through calmed discussions over coffee or tea, and you came to understand each other well enough that arguments became few and far between.

You’re happy with Sero, so when your heat came around early and he was there to help, you were going to let him know just how much you loved him.

You texted him once you felt it starting. He was there within half an hour, and you pounced on him once the font door closed, smothering him in hot, wet kisses, eager to feel him inside you. He carries you to the bedroom, and you two are quick in shedding all of your clothes. He lays you on your back with a hand on your throat as he growls into your ear, making a hot shudder roll down your spine.

“Are you ready for me omega?” You whine and nod, your slick already dripping down your folds. You want him so bad it hurts.

“Please alpha, I need your cock.” He growls again, satisfied with your answer, and he presses into you, bottoming out with one firm thrust. You chant his name like a mantra as he set a bruising pace, rutting into you recklessly, wet skin slapping on skin the only other sound beside your whimpers and his growls. His teeth nip at your shoulder, sharp fangs testing your skin and claws digging into the fat of your hips. His cock is so deep, hot swollen tip kissing your cervix with every full-bodied thrust and sending you into a euphoric haze. Your own claws are sinking into his back, leaving little trails of red and blood beading down the lines. It drives him wild every time.

“That’s right, little omega. Mark me up, I’m all yours. Fuck you’re so pretty underneath me like this.” His hands grip behind your knees and press them into your chest, folding you nearly in half as he plows into you further. The angle knocks the breath from your lungs and your eyes roll back. You can feel his knot beginning to swell, feel how his thrusts are getting more controlled and his grip on your thighs tighten from the sheer concentration it’s taking for him not to breed you. You have other plans. Between wheezed breaths you squeak out.

“H-hantaaa~” He slows to a near snail’s pace, grinding his slowly growing cock into your sweet spot, a smirk stretching across his face as you splutter from the sudden change. He’s enjoying making you squirm.

“What is it, sweetness? Tell your alpha what you need.” You pant, chest heaving as much as the position will allow.

“Want your mark, want your knot~ Wanna be bred Hanta! I want your pups!” He stills completely, claws digging into the fat of your thighs with enough force to have drops of blood falling to the sheets beneath you. You’d never said anything like that in the heat of the moment. He can’t have heard you correctly...right?

“Princesa, do you know what you just said?” The seriousness in his tone has you sobering, but even before you knew exactly what you were saying. You nod frantically, wiggling your hips to get him to move again.

“Yes! I know alpha! Please, give me your knot~” His growl makes your bones shake, and with no warning he drops your legs around his waist and leans down so his face is buried in your neck.

“Fuck, I’m gonna trust you with this baby girl. I’ll give you exactly what you want.” His fangs sink into your scent gland just as he picks up his brutal pace, and the euphoria makes you cum hard, your whole body locking up and mouth falling open in a silent scream. He plows into you as you regain your breath, and you bite down on his own scent gland as hard as you can, tearing into his skin with every intention of leaving a pretty scar for the world to see.

His knot swells more, and he’s pushing it into you with every ounce of power he can generate with that gorgeous body of his. With one final snap of his hips he locks his body to yours and cums hard, ropes of hot seed filling you to the brim. He collapses on top of you and laps at the wound on your neck and you do the same. After a few minutes he leans back and cups your face in his hand, gazing down at you like you hung the moon and the stars.

“Are you alright?” You nod, nuzzling into his palm.

“I’m sorry. I was gonna talk to you about it, but my heat came early.” He kisses your forehead gently, brushing the strands of hair from your face.

“It’s okay, pretty thing. I trust you know what you’re getting yourself into.” You giggle and wrap your arms around him.

“Of course I do. I love you, Hanta.”

“I love you too.” You lay there, tangled in each other’s arms until his knot goes down. You whine at the loss when his cock slips out of you, clawing at him to come back because you’re still in heat. His hand gently wraps around your neck, a low chuckle on his lips.

“Relax, we’re far from done.” His already hard erection rubs up and down your glistening folds, barely stimulating your clit, teasing you until tears prick your eyes and you’re beggin him to fuck you again.

“When I’m done you won’t be able to walk for days. I’m gonna breed you so well, You’re gonna look so pretty all big and round with my pups.” He groans at the image he’d conjured in his head and you squeal as he slams his hips into you.

You’re in for a wonderfully long night.

[jincherie]

important; please read

hello everyone! long time no see! to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty ashamed at how long it has been since I have tended to this blog.

To cut a pretty long, convoluted story short: this past year has not been good to me.

In fact, I could argue that as it went on, it just got progressively worse. My mental health has taken the biggest blow it ever has in my life, and to be honest that makes me a little ashamed because I thought I would be able to handle myself better after how harshly it suffered when I was living with my mother. The culprits are anxiety, stress, and the somewhat-recent diagnosis of ADHD and a mood disorder that throws me into depressive bouts every so often. I have always been easily overwhelmed, but this past year it feels like that has been the only way I have lived.

My room hasn't been truly clean in over a year; I'm constantly drowning in clutter both literal and figurative because I'm so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start sorting it out and tidying it up. My grades have suffered, my body has suffered. As I write this I am also writing a 'show cause' response for my university because I haven't made satisfactory progress through my degree and if it continues the result will be expulsion. fun!

This is probably oversharing, but to be honest everyone here has supported me so much, so long, that I think you deserve to know what's been going on behind the scenes.

I did start to get a little bit better around the start of the year, actually. But that progress went down the drain faster than it was made due to the unfortunate combination of emotional distress caused by my mother being herself, one of my much loved family pets passing away out of nowhere, and my grandmother having a number of heart incidents only for the last one to lead to the discovery of something cancerous on her lungs. I am not having a good time.

I am so fucking ashamed of myself for letting things get so bad, despite the admittedly little control I had over it. I have still so many things I want to write and finish and so many ideas that I wish I could just will into existence that it's not even funny. I want to continue to write and create without having this tremendous stress hanging over my head all the time. I can't even think about writing on a good day without feeling so damn guilty because there's so many things I need to write, and so many other things in my life that I also need to be doing. It's overwhelming.

I am at the point where I have to acknowledge, however, that I cannot keep up the lifestyle I used to and I need to put more priority into certain parts of my life. And so, I need to announce a few things.

I will be going on indefinite hiatus for the time being.

This will be my first official hiatus. I intend to continue my writing at some point, however it's not something I will be able to even think about doing until my current semester is finished and I have some control back over my life.

I will be refunding all commissions received that have not been completed and posted.

this is something I should have done a while ago, but I didn't want to hand the towel in because I wanted so badly to write the wonderful things that were submitted as commissions. I wanted to show my thanks for the support given to me, and above all else I didn't want to disappoint. However, as a result I probably ended up disappointing you all even more.

To those who commissioned me and didn't end up receiving the goods that you paid for in a timely manner, I sincerely and wholeheartedly apologise. In all honesty, I feel so fucking awful that it almost makes me sick. It was never my intention to take your commissions without fulfilling my end of the transaction for so long, and for the fact that it ended up that way I cannot apologise enough. It has broken the trust you had in me and I don't think I will stop beating myself up about that for a while. You who supported me so willingly deserve better than the way this ended up.

Those who commissioned me, please message me your paypal details and how much you paid -- please send it to @jooniecherie. I will be refunding the money as soon as I see the message. Again, I can't apologise enough for making you wait so long.

There are a number of commissions that I started and are part-way completed. I will be endeavouring to complete these and post them after my hiatus, but those who commissioned them will still be refunded.

Ultimately, I am so incredibly sorry that my own personal issues and struggles have bled out to affect others in such a way. A number of you have worried about me and checked in, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm fine without really being fine, if that makes sense? But I'm grateful for the support I've gotten over the years, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to live up to expectations. I hope to do better, but first I need to heal myself and my life.

Thank you for reading this. I sincerely hope that you're all doing better than me, and I hope it won't be too long before I'm updating you all again. <3

[dienamights]

A Reverberate Lullaby | K.Bakugou

✎ The echoing howls stalk you, a ghost hunched on your shoulders, wailing like a child calling for rescue, who cries with no tears. Chanting for a hero that is willing to pick up the pieces of its soul and being, yet it is only left to wither. For the ghost has lost faith that such others exist and can only be cured by finding them, for you are the ghost of your world and love is the only true exorcist.

✎ Protagonists: Katsuki Bakugou x Fem!Reader.

✎ Word count: 4.1K

✎ Category: hurt/comfort, Implied Mature Content MDNI, Prohero!au, Established relationship!au

✎ Caution(!): Implied Mature Content MDNI, mention of depressive state, toxic family, toxic coping mechanism, mention of reader’s weight gain and thoughts about self worth. Please keep in mind while every person’s reaction to depression is different, don’t belittle anyone’s battle when you don’t understand it.

✎ Author’s notes: Hello! Hope everyone’s taking care! Still on hiatus BUT I’m here to post my contribution to the Mental Health Awareness collab by @doinmybesthere​ ! This has been in the works for a while because I kept scarping ideas for triggering me lmao. This piece is very personal to me and I’m glad I am able to share my experience with you all, I hope that it might help anyone out there in reaching out and asking for help because I know how difficult and scary it might be! Please check out everyone’s contribution that they worked so hard for! kisses kisses take care!

OOH ALSO! Thank you so much for 900 followers aaaaaah! You’re all so amazing and if anyone has suggestions for an event to hold in June lemme know! I’ll also think of some ideas

» Masterlist | Requests | Taglist

The morning sun barely rises and peaks through your blinds, sunshine starting to kiss at your cheeks as you squint at the light, the room welcoming the warmth that is being brought into it after the evening’s chill that made you curl tighter in on yourself, clasping whatever heat you could muster than to turn around and find it in the heating pad of a body that lays next to you. 

An alarm only just rings before quickly being shut off, followed by the creaking of the bed when the person behind you shifts, shifts again, another time, before getting up and stalking to the bathroom, after letting an elongated sigh when they sit at the edge of the bed, not acknowledging your presence accompanying theirs. The door clicking closed before the trickling of water fills the quiet room.

Your clock reads 5 am when you squint at it, and you blink at the time before you go on with your routine, setting up breakfast while your boyfriend gets ready to go to work. 

Oddly enough, you don’t really quite remember when you started working on the food, all that you could see in front of you is nothing but a scene that looks like it’s out of a broken TV - there’s just so much static. The voices are distorted, as if they’re coming from a defective radio.

“Listen, this ain’t about me, this is about you and how you-”

“What about me? Huh? That you see me as nothing but a burden? No, you can say it-”

“You wanna hear me fuckin’ say it then fine! This is about you sitting on yer ass all day obsessing over her while she wouldn’ give you the time of day y/n. When will you fuckin’ realize that?”

The scene blurs and sways, and you feel your mind run at a speed you didn’t know it could muster, and you’re unable to keep up with it. The knife in your hand shakes vigorously and barely misses your fingers when you bring it down to cut the vegetables.

The sound of the bedroom door shutting closed alerts you, straightening your back when you hear the drop of your boyfriend’s gauntlet by his chair at the dining table. Katsuki approaches you with careful steps, his still ungloved hand circles your waist before pressing his lips to your temple, a gruff greeting of a whisper laced in between.

“G’morning.”

The familiar scent of caramel mixed in with his aftershave welcomes you, wraps around you and cradles you, promising everlasting safety and happiness. Yet, your heart wrenching sobs and muffled crash of your laptop against your floor that rings in your ears tell a different story, shrieking at you, roaring about your failures, mocking your entire existence.

“Made gohan, should be ready in a minute.” you mumble back, posture stiff at the close proximity of Katsuki and you feel the curl of his lips in displeasure pressing into your temple from both not reciprocating his greeting and your choice of meal for the morning. “You don’ eat gohan,” 

“s’why I’m making it.” The quick retreat from your figure is like a slap to your face, and you barely stop yourself from reaching out and forcing his arms back around you. Because it's the bite in his voice that halts your movement. 

“You’re still going?” you finally turn to take a look at him, the garnets in his eyes shifting, bleeding from hurt, betrayal, confusion, you really weren’t sure. And by God you had no energy left to try and figure out. “Yes I’m still going Katsuki, they’re my-”

“Yer really listenin’ to the bullshit spillin’ outta ya? This isn’t about em being your family y/n, we’ve been through with it already.” the space between you two feels like endless miles, pieces of the broken bridge you both worked so hard to build the only evidence of it ever being there, the rest crumbling into the valley in between your bodies.

“No, you’ve been through with it, I just wanna make things right, m-maybe I can fix it”

“It ain’t yours to fix y/n, when will you realize that?”

“No!” there you go again, sobbing pathetically. “W-why can’t I have a family, huh? Why- why can’t I, fuck, have a family that just loves and supports me a-and just doesn’t- ” your voice croaks, not failing to notice how Katsuki stepped away from the wreck in front of him. Probably having had enough of you, had enough of how troubling and bothersome you are, probably wondering how he got roped with all your shit and got dragged into your mess of a life.

His hands feel like scolding fire when they’re placed on your shoulders, halting their shaking as you cry into the palm of your hand to muffle the sobs, a habit Katsuki has been working so hard on to help you overcome, saddened to see you try and hide your vulnerability from him.

“Because they never made an effort, so why should you?” The tugging at your heart burns, the swallowed sobs feel like needles prickling at your lungs, making breathing feel like an impossible chore. You can’t help but feel restrained whenever you’re presented with the truth, especially unfiltered and unsugarcoated like right now, you know he’s right, you’ve known he was right a long time ago, but admitting it out loud just felt borderline impossible. 

So you do what you do best, push him away, all the strength you can muster barely budges his figure, the meal forgotten on the counter as you run and lock the bedroom door on yourself.

Your footsteps feel heavy, dreading the topics and scenes you’re bound to relive. The grip on the strap of your shoulder bag tightening as you push the glass door open. A sigh escapes past your lips again as you enter the restaurant, half-heartedly smiling at the hostess before making your way inside to look for them.

It’s always the same scenery, the kind that always makes you want to run away to the other direction instead of being dragged down into whatever hell this is. And you pause to question yourself, again, why you actually agreed to put yourself out there.

There they are, seated in the four person table, with two empty seats, one for yourself and the other for the sibling your mother always hoped to have instead of you.

Your mother’s pursed lip could be seen from where you stand at the entrance, the clicking of her tapping foot sounding as bad as grinding metals in your ear, you hate it, despise it

It’s the same clicking you learned to memorize, to anticipate, to fear, when she passed by your room, the clicking that made you smother your face in your pillows and swallow your sobs, because the sound of you crying brought her more distress and annoyance than concern for her daughter.

With another tug at the hem of the shirt you’re wearing, you approach the table, hugging your father when he stands up and nodding to your mom when she eyes your figure.

“Good morning mother. It’s good to see you.”

“What’s wrong with your hair?”

Here we go, you breathe out before tugging at a strand of hair, spitting out your words “nothing’s wrong with it.”

“Then why does it look awful like that?”

There are times like these where you are left to question your reasoning for accepting whatever invitation you received from your parents to have brunch with them after all those months, a moment of weakness deceiving you into believing it was better than to spend it in your empty apartment, with the silence that ate away at your sanity every second. The only evidence of life in it other than yours was the recently cleaned dishes and the note thanking you for the meal, the promise of cuddles and movies tonight making you gain just a little more patience, barely.

You refrain from answering, your response is to lower your head, drag the dining chair before plopping on it, a dreary sigh escaping your lips as you scoot your chair closer to the table. Your mother never changes, it’s been a while since you were able to move out of her home, and while your father tries to tell you that these brunches are a way to reconnect with them, you yourself know that it’s merely a chance for your mother to nitpick at everything you ever did or are doing since you left.

“How have you been y/n.” your father smiles at you, both of you ignoring the sound of your mother kissing her teeth when her attempted jab at you is ignored. “Uh, I uh I’ve been good, I just wrapped up with my exams and so far things have been-” 

“How is your hero boyfriend?” 

For a second, you contemplate whether to ignore her question and keep conversing with your dad, dreading the questions that are to be pushed your way regarding Katsuki, of which will be used as bragging material for when she meets whatever group of friends she associates herself with, but you know better than to ignore her with the way she gets when she isn’t fed with attention. 

“He’s uh, good.”

“Why isn’t he here today? What, too good to meet us?” your mother nags, and for the love of God, would that fucking clicking ever stop?

“No, he’s doing his job of, you know, being a hero.”

“Is he now? Well, what about you, hm?” She cocks her head as her nails tap the table. ”Did you think your father and I wouldn’t figure out you got fired?”

“How-” the gritting of your teeth is deafening at this point, your jaw clenching so tightly as you and your mother stare each other down. “Your dad pulled some strings, it isn’t that hard. So tell me, you like leeching off of him after you were done with us?”

“This isn’t, I just- I was- I, I had a lot of university work piling up a-and I couldn’t make time for my shifts and I just, it was just so hard for me to get out of bed these days and I.” why are you doing this? Why are you explaining yourself to people that don’t deserve it? Why are you feeding off of their acceptance, knowing damn well you never got it, and that thing was never gonna change. 

“Oh, I don’t wanna hear about you not getting out of bed, you’re here now aren’t you? This is all in your head y/n. You need to stop talking nonsense, what’re people gonna say about you, about me, when they hear you?” 

It feels just like yesterday, your figure standing and facing your full length mirror, your reflection eyeing you with identical vacant eyes. Fingers running through your bed head, a wince escaping you at the movement. Bringing your hand up and catching a glimpse of a slight swollen purple bruise along your wrist and the dried blood on your knuckles, the skin stretching upon rotating your wrist and causing notable pain.

Alas, that pain paled in comparison to when your mom barged into your room, blaming you for the way you were acting and belittling your reasoning. Beckoning your father over to replace your broken vanity and for your house maid to disinfect the space, the place sparkling clean and void of any evidence of what had transpired the day prior. 

The shattered glass was picked up and thrown out, the splatters of blood were wiped clean, and whenever you brought up, what your mom refers to as ‘the temper tantrum’, you’re ignored by both your parents as they continued about their day, fearing the shame it would bring upon their name if the event was to catch others’ attention. 

“Good morning! I’ll be your server for the day. What can I get you?” the foreign voice sounds more comforting than your own mother’s, and you almost laugh at the irony of it, but you only return her smile and take a look at the menu. Lighting up a smidge at the name of one of the dishes, while your parents place their order.

“Can I please get the soufflé pancake?” you look up to catch the horrified look on your mother’s face, followed by her clicking her tongue and shaking her head as if your choice of food was shameful. 

“Certainly-”

“Uh, no she won’t be having that. Get her the Honzen Ryori,” your mother eyed your figure -whatever was visible to her from across the table- before turning to face the server again “maybe cut down on the rice, God knows she doesn’t need the extra calories.” and waves her off, disregarding your protests and tapping her nail against the table top, her annoying method in demanding your silence, which you subconsciously react to, snapping your mouth shut when the sound reaches your ears.

“What was that for? You know I like having sweet breakfasts,” was fuming even close to what you are feeling? Probably not. “Yes I can clearly see that, you’ve let yourself go as well. Do you think that boyfriend of yours will stick around when you start putting on even more weight?”

At a loss for words, you turn to your father, who has been quiet this whole time, for any sense of support when it comes to his wife. But the way he presses his lips together tells you all you need to know, how just because he isn’t bad as her, doesn’t make him that great of a parent. That standing by while you have been bullied your entire childhood and well into your adulthood is just as bad as being the cause of it. 

“God forbid he realizes how much of a train wreck you really are and throws you on the side of the street, because you know damn well we won’t be here to pick you up.”

It began as a whispering in the air. The day had been beautiful -well, as beautiful as it can be with the kind of day you’re having- and the sky was like a dome of plasma-blue. The clouds had looked like airy anvils drifting under the gleaming disc of sun. People quickened their pace as the clouds began to gather in the sky. The postcard-perfect sky started changing. The beautiful cocktail-blue shade merged in with the flaming orange and mesmerizing purple as the sun sunk deep into the horizon, before beginning to darken into gravel-grey. Large pillows of cloud start to form, blocking out the old-gold color of the sun.

The first splatter of rain hits you when you’re halfway across the street, dismissing the need to take shelter under the roof of the buildings like some passersby are doing, hoping to see out the shower. Droplets of moisture begin to drip onto your head, sprinkling onto you like a gardener’s hose. It was well after your meal with your parents, and you had spent the last few hours walking aimlessly through the streets, making sure to avoid those covered by your boyfriend during his patrol. Hoping, praying, that something will clear your head, will help your poor jumbled mess of a mind forget about this entire nightmare of a day.

Should’ve listened to him 

The rainfall intensifies, the drops drumming against the hood of the cars that you pass by, there is so much rain that the sound blurs into one long, whirring noise, reminding you of the blades of the fan that you stuck your finger in, that one time when you were left alone in your house when you were only five years of age. Eventually, they fade into a musical chime as you push your drenched hair away from your face and feel the vibration from your phone as it rings the ninth, maybe tenth time. 

He told me so. 

Tall apartment complex building; you couldn’t see its end from where you stand. You shiver as you approach it, the doorman - bless his heart - running and placing his umbrella to futilely shield you from the rain, and you just laugh and tell him that you’re already drenched and just waiting to go back home.

God forbid he realizes how much of train wreck I am

Not wanting to dampen the people at the elevator and make them uncomfortable, you take the stairs up to your shared apartment, you usually don't mind the exercise but with how heavy you feel after the rain and day spent up on your sore feet, all you think about is locking yourself in your room and discover what kind of new façade could you try and fool Katsuki with when he reaches home.

Just how I trick him into thinking I’m not with him to leech off of him

Eventually and with a struggle, you make it to the door, dreading the sight you might come to face, almost hoping for a black hole to emerge and swallow you whole.

What would people say about me? Do people think I’m crazy?

With a forced exhale out of your lungs, you fetch the key from your bag to unlock the door, but it’s wrenched open before you have a chance to insert your key.

“Where the hell have you been?” 

Your eyes meet the beautiful rubies of Katsuki, and despite his anger that always overcompensates his worry, you smile and throw yourself on him. The shivering ceasing when he wraps his warm arms around you and that loving caramel scent engulfs you, in spite of how your hair is drenching his shirt and how you sniff against his neck.

“You need a shower, you’re shivering.”

“Take one with me?” you look up at him through your lashes, and he blinks at your uncharacterized boldness but agrees nonetheless, helping you out of your clothes and turning on the hot water before stepping in with you.

It is a struggle to help you clean up when all you do is grab at him, whether they’re your hands on his shoulders to lower him to kiss you, wrapping your arms around him and pressing your breasts against him, or palming his hardening cock as the poor man tries to shampoo your hair.

“Would ya knock it off? I’m tryna help you here shitty woman” you frown and squint your eyes when the shampoo gets close to them. “I wanna have sex.” 

“Yea I can fuckin tell, just lemme-” you bring his arms down and press his palms to your boobs, letting go of his wrist when he starts squeezing at them. “Do you not want to?” he gulps, his dick twitching at the feeling of your soft mounds in his hands, your nipples covered up by the suds from the shampoo, as your finger traces the underside of his cock. “Yeah, I uh, fuck, I do, just- you need to wash up so you don’t get sick, alright?”

“Do you not think I’m pretty anymore?” you pout childishly, tears threatening to escape your eyes, and they burn as you close them when he washes the product out of your hair, a deep frown on his lips when you open your eyes back again. “The fuck you on about? That rain really fucked with ya?”

“Are you gonna get rid of me when you realize how much of a mess I am?” you whisper, your voice muffled under the sound of the shower above you, and you keep quiet as he helps you scrub your body, but your boyfriend is observant, he isn’t fucking dense.

“What do you want, right now?” he lowers himself to your level when he’s done, his hands stroking your cheeks as he eyes the way the water droplets cling to your lashes, but still not missing the red rimming around your eyes.

“I just wanna for- I uh, I wanna have sex.” you mumble, a plea hidden underneath your words, a plea to help you forget, to help you bury this day behind you and pretend it never happened.

What you don’t expect is the way that Katsuki pulls your naked wet body out of the bathroom and drops you on the bed, feeling your bodies dampening the bed as he hovers over you, no words are spoken between you as he kisses and nips at your skin. Marking it up and down as he all but worships your body, strands of his hair tangle between your fingers when you run your hands through it, arching your back at the feeling of his tongue tasting your slick.

He doesn’t let up until you cry out, and not in pleasure, your sobs far beyond those he loves to hear when he’s denying you an orgasm. No, they’re sobs that wreck your whole body, kicking away at his shoulders as you curl in on yourself and wail into the sheets. Sitting on his haunches on the floor, Katsuki’s eye soften at your figure, the way your shoulders are shaking and how -yet again- you’re trying to muffle your cries with the sheets this time, pressing your face against the mattress in an attempt to lower your noise, as your mother would call it.

“Hey, look at me” you feel his lips grazing your ear as he kisses it, pressing his lips against your temple, fingers unwrapping your fist against the sheet and digging into your hands and pressing kisses against the nail marks in the palm of your hands. “There she is, there’s my girl.” you hear when you lift your head from the bed, sight blurry from your shed tears but still easy to distinguish Katsuki even between billions of people.

You sniff when he kisses at your lids, groan when he chuckles and calls you ‘snot the naught’ when you wipe your nose with the back of your hand, beaming when he hears you let out one weak chuckle at the way he teases you. Still pressing his lips against any surface of skin he can reach.

“You don’t have to talk about it you know, to me at least” he mumbles to you when you’re both dressed in your sleepwear and are cuddling on the dry side of the bed, opting to change the sheet the next day. “Maybe, maybe we can get someone who can help you, you know.” you press your face deeper between his neck and shoulder, shuddering when his warm palms rub your back from under your shirt. 

“I can make some calls, get in contact with someone.” you lift your head. “But I can’t afford-” he tuts and frowns at you “None of that.” 

“Remember what I said when we agreed to move in?” you do, you just love the sound of his voice when he says it, feels like he’s making all these promises all over again. “Tell me.”

“Told ya I’d be whoever you want me to be, whoever you need me to be. I’ll be yer mom, even better than that bitch, I’ll support and love you unconditionally.” you sniff and tighten your hold against him as he presses his lips against your cheek. 

“I’d be better than yer pussy dad, you can rely on me any time and I’ll live up to all your expectations. And callin me daddy is always a plus” he tangles his legs with your own when you wiggle away from him, laughing and giving you no chance of escape, not that you are even thinking of it. 

“I’d even be yer genius fuckin nanny that taught you to tell yer mom to go fuck herself when you were four,” your suppressed giggles lights him up and he can’t help but chuckle as well. “I’ll be anything and everything you’ll ever need, baby. I’ll be your goddamn hero.”

The sun comes out again, casting slanted beams of light across the buildings. Steam rises slowly from the greenery. It rises up eerily and drifts mist-like towards the molten-gold sun, right before it escapes into the abyss. The image is so vivid that it stays with you for as long as you remember. Because on this exact day, the shrieking that follows you everywhere you go, haunting you and mocking you, suddenly is nowhere to be found. And all you can hear is the comforting sound of Katsuki as he hums you a lullaby to sleep.

aaaah I hope you like it!

[silverynight]

The flu

Prompt: How about a story where all the Hashira are sick with the flu, but refuse to rest so Oyakata-sama asks Tanjiro to nurse them back to health.

Made a few changes I hope you don't mind. 😊

***

"You can barely move, Kyojuro," Shinobu smiles; her voice is as sweet as usual, however, she can feel the irritation in her body. Good thing the master has thought about everything and has a plan in mind for stubborn hashira.

"I'm perfectly fine!" The flame hashira assures, although his voice is not as loud as usual, his face is red and he looks like sitting on that bed is taking a lot of his strength.

Shinazugawa has probably passed out in one of the hallways, because Shinobu knows none of them have actually managed to leave. There are five Pillars that got sick and she's very much glad that she's not one of them.

"The master told you to rest here until you got better," She keeps grinning, even though she wants to punch those airheads in the face so bad.

"I'm... fine," Giyuu mumbles stubbornly, getting on his two feet, but taking a lot of time to move. He shivers.

Aoi is right next to Shinobu, but hasn't said a word; normally she's the one that scolds the patients (she's an expert) but the insect hashira knows she's too intimidated by the Pillars to say something.

"I'm not ill!" Tengen assures, trying not to tremble. "That wouldn't be very flamboyant of me."

"If the master wants me to stay I will," Mitsuri's voice comes from the other side of the room; she's the only one that hasn't moved from her bed.

"At least one of you has a brain," Shinobu nods approvingly. She's about to ask Aoi to check on the love hashira when someone rushes into the room.

The Pillars eyes open wide at the same time when they notice the young demon slayer.

A mischievous grin curls up the corners of Shinobu's lips.

"I came as soon as I could," Tanjirou pants, trying to calm himself. "The master told me they are sick and I need to–"

"It's just Mitsuri, Tanjirou," Shinobu mumbles, trying not to look too satisfied by the others reactions. "Take care of her. Apparently she's the only one sick; the others will be leaving soon."

Tanjirou nods and walks towards the love hashira's bed quickly; Mitsuri looks up at him in delight.

"How are you feeling, Kanroji-san?" Tanjirou's voice is very sweet and his eyes are gentle.

"Awful!" She admits.

"Don't worry, I'll be taking care of you," the young demon slayer promises her with a smile.

"Really? You'll stay with me?"

"Of course, as long as you–"

"I'm sick too, my boy!"

How predictable, Shinobu thinks, rolling her eyes. Suddenly, the hashira in the room have all gone back to bed.

"Rengoku-san," Tanjirou mumbles with concern, walking away from Mitsuri's bed who pouts immediately. "Your face is red! You must have fever!"

Tanjirou's gentle fingertips touch Kyojuro's forehead, prompting the flame hashira to lean into the touch and look up at the boy with the softest smile Shinobu has ever seen.

Aoi is right at Tanjirou's side now; she's a clever girl and knows the Pillars won't protest or growl because Tanjirou is there.

"Tanjirou," it's the only word that escapes Giyuu's lips but it works; the young demon slayer is right at his side in a second. The water hashira stares at him with undivided attention, as if he's trying to learn by heart all of Tanjirou's beautiful features. "You're pretty."

"You must have fever too," the boy comments, dismissing the last words. He touches Giyuu's forehead and nods to himself. "Here, drink this, Tomioka-san. It'll make you feel better."

Actually, Tanjirou helps him drink it; Giyuu has become very compliant for someone who claimed to be fine just a few minutes ago.

"It's my turn, Tanjirou," Tengen mumbles, looking tired even though his eyes are glimmering with mischief.

Shinobu sighs, feeling sorry for the boy because the Pillars are already trying to get Tanjirou's attention back to themselves. They're competing for it.

"That must be uncomfortable, Uzui-san," Tanjirou says, looking at the headband covered in precious gems and all the other stuff on the sound hashira's face. "Let me take it off."

Carefully, he removes everything, along with the hair tie; he runs his fingers through Tengen's hair as it falls over the hashira's shoulders.

"Much better, isn't it?" Tanjirou smiles, oblivious to the tension in the room. The others are fuming, glaring at Tengen like they want to punch him.

"Yes," Tengen purrs, taking one of Tanjirou's hands in his. "Actually, I think I should change my clothes for something more... comfortable. Would you help me take them off?"

"Of course!" He says, not noticing the triumph shining in Tengen's deep pink eyes. He's already unbuttoning the Pillar's vest when Kyojuro growls.

"No!" Giyuu snarls as Mitsuri is trying to call Tanjirou back to her. "Our uniform is not uncomfortable and you know it, Tengen. Besides, you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself!"

Shinobu tries to hold back her laughter; she's noticed before that Giyuu tends to be more talkative when he's really pissed. They have started to argue, however (even though confused) Tanjirou doesn't look alarmed. It's probably because he's dealt with things like that when he took care of his siblings.

She decides to go look for Sanemi then and finds him passed out in one of the hallways as she thought. A few kakushi help her take him back to bed.

Tanjirou looks distressed.

"Is he alright?" He asks, already running towards the wind hashira's bed.

"Yes, don't worry," she assures him. "He'll probably wake up now."

Sanemi does wake up, however he rises from the bed immediately. Although he almost falls right back into it.

"I'm leaving!" He snarls as he tries to take a step forward, but Tanjirou walks right in front of him to block his only way out.

That boy is really brave.

"Move," the hashira hisses, prompting the others to glare at him. He must know that they'll kill him if he hurts Tanjirou.

"Please go back to bed, Shinazugawa-san," the young demon slayer mumbles, always gentle. "You're sick."

"I'm not," he huffs stubbornly, like a kid. He places a hand on Tanjirou's shoulder as if he's seriously considering to push him out of the way.

There's tension in the room. Kyojuro is already baring his teeth, Giyuu growls, Mitsuri begs Sanemi not to hurt Tanjirou as Tengen hisses a "Hey, hands off!" at his fellow hashira.

Sanemi ignores them all of course, however, he does hesitate when Tanjirou places a gentle hand over his.

A warm smile quirks up the corners of Tanjirou's lips and his eyes start glimmering with concern, understanding and kindness. He looks so soft Shinobu feels like she's melting even though he's not looking at her.

Sanemi must be dying inside.

"Please, let me take care of you."

Something breaks inside the wind hashira; he lets go of Tanjirou's shoulder and takes a step back, almost scared.

"You have no right to look at me like that!" He huffs, face turning bright red. "It's not fair!"

Tanjirou touches his cheek and this time Sanemi doesn't flinch away.

"You must have fever, please go back to bed, Shinazugawa-san."

To everyone's shock, the wind hashira does as he's told.

That boy has a very special power and he doesn't even know it, Shinobu observes, watching with interest as they all try to get him to pay attention to them.

"You want me to help you with that hair tie as well, Rengoku-san?" Tanjirou grins, running his fingers through the flame hashira's hair. "Oh! Yours too, Tomioka-san! Sorry, I forgot!"

When the others come to pay them a visit, Muichiro looks at the way Tanjirou's sitting next to Giyuu's bed and stroking his forehead like he's been betrayed. Tengen takes Tanjirou's hand then and the boy doesn't do anything to stop him.

"Nobody told me you've been taking care of them!" He complains as Tanjirou looks back at him with a smile.

"Tokito-san, I'm really glad you're–"

Muichiro coughs then and it's obvious to everyone that he's just pretending, except for Tanjirou.

"I'm sick too," he mumbles.

"No, you're not!" Sanemi growls.

Shinobu sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose as they all start arguing as Tanjirou rushes towards Muichiro to see if he's alright.

She prays the gods they get better soon so she doesn't have to be stuck with these children anymore.

***

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[mandana-the-service-pup]

TLDR: I’ve had bad experiences with local doctors so I found a nurse practitioner who could be my PCP and manage my disabilities. The appointment was great, the car ride was awful and Mandana stayed home to nap 🐶

Medical trauma in the chronic illness community. (Rant)

I definitely have medical-PTSD from years of bad experiences with doctors. It’s self-diagnosed bc I’m avoiding doctors (duh) but it’s based on my legitimate PTSD diagnosis from unrelated events. This is pretty common for people in the chronic illness community and it makes appointments with medical professionals difficult.

I’m acutely aware of “red flags” that signal a doctor is going to be problematic. They ALL say they want to help and will do everything they can to find answers and there was a time when I was naïve enough to believe them.

Sometimes a doctor is problematic from the start (dismissive, untrusting, jaded, etc)

Other times the first couple appointments are ok but then they get burnout when they realize it’s not a problem they can fix (they become frustrated, accusatory, suspicious, etc)

Even more rare are the doctors who actually understand the complexity of the situation but their hands are tied by the system they work under. They can’t jeopardize their position by pushing for more tests or offering alternative solutions. I’ve actually met drs like this who are completely honest and will call out the injustice of it all. You can tell it’s something they realized too late in their studies and that it hurts them deeply, but it doesn’t make it any less distressing and it usually signals the end of care from that hospital/dept.

After years of grinding through the medical system while being dismissed, accused and experiencing the occasional medical malpractice it’s no wonder people end up with lasting trauma that affect their ability to traverse the medical system.

But todays’ appointment was actually a huge success! (Update)

I’ve previously posted how stressed I was with my current dr/patient situation. I love my specialist. She has all the qualities of a good doctor, as well as the freedom to deep-dive into an individuals’ health because she has her own private practice. The problem is that she is so good she is highly sought after and COVID long-haulers are in desperate need of her time and expertise. I’ve basically reached the end of the program she has available and from here on out it’s mostly management. She does a few things for me out of necessity which require extra effort on her part and it doesn’t make sense for me to tie up her resources. She’s going to continue advising me but I’ve known for a while that I needed to find a primary care provider who could take over management and deal with acute issues.

Since starting my new medication, I’ve finally been given some relief from my debilitating “brain fog” and can start being more proactive. It’s hard to have a productive conversation when you struggle to answer questions or form complete sentences. Combine that with advice I got from my specialist on how to approach a new doctor and it was a great success!

For starters, I didn’t see a doctor at all. My specialist advised me to find a nurse practitioner instead because they tend to be more compassionate and willing to work with you. The only good experiences I’ve had were with either nurse practitioners or doctors who opened their own practice because they got tired of the system. Doctors who stay and try to grind become jaded. They can deny it all they want but it seeps into their conversations and is reflected in their actions.

The third variable that made todays’ appointment a success has to do with where I’m at in my medical journey. I have my official diagnosis from a respected medical professional. I’ve done the research, the tests, the trials. We aren’t experimenting anymore. I know what works, why it works and I can prove it. Now I just need someone local who can accept that and is willing to continue the management.

So with all this preparation, I was able to go in there confident. I asked how many minutes I had and then I used the allotted time to map out exactly why I was there. I needed someone to give me referrals, prescribe me medications and address acute and chronic health concerns. There were a few times I had to go into details about what a particular disorder was, how it affected me or how a medication worked and that wouldn’t have been possible if I was struggling with brain fog. But because I came prepared everything ran smoothly and I got (almost) everything I needed.

Rheumatologist appointment

Geneticist appointment

Thyroid Ultrasound appointment

Follow-up appointment with my new PCP

Rx for most of my medications (excluding fludrocortisone & LDN which she was inexperienced with and allocated to the rheumatologist or my specialist)

Based on our conversation, I think she probably has some patients with POTS (I’m not sure about the other disorders). She certainly wasn’t experienced but there were some good indications that she acknowledges the difficulties POTS patients have getting care. She is comfortable maintaining management as long as I have the guidance of an expert and to be honest that’s about as good as you can hope for in our current medical system.

What about Mandana?

I made the right decision leaving Mandana behind.

She certainly would have been helpful. Instead of relying on her to monitor me and alert, I had to bring my blood pressure cuff and check my vitals every couple minutes. There were a few times I had to find a place to lie down because my heart was causing problems. Even the doctor noted she could hear a murmur which was a first for me.

But the 30 minute commute was so brutal on me that alone would have stressed her out. I’ve always struggled with severe motion sickness and it’s only gotten worse as my health has declined. So having to take a Lyft to and from the hospital was the worst $60 I’ve ever spent. I don’t drive much and Hubbins has adapted his driving to accommodate me. Tbh the drivers were probably average, but I was still left in shambles.

When I got to the hospital I was almost late to my appointment because I had to lie down in the lobby to recover before I could get on the elevator and before leaving, I stopped by the Pediatric department to pick up some vomit bags. I’m glad I did but I couldn’t bring myself to use them in a strangers car so I asked to get dropped off a block away. Hubbins got off work minutes before I stumbled my way into the parking lot. It was worse than either of us expected and seeing me in such a miserable state was enough to convince him to take time off for future appointments.

So yeah, Mandana would have been stressed from the start and I wouldn’t have been in a position to manage her properly. I wouldn’t have had such a successful appointment and I imagine the ride home would have really damaged our working relationship. It’s better that she was asleep in her crate for a few hours and then reunited with me enthusiastically when I got home. Someday we will be able to handle that kind of challenge as a team but we aren’t there yet and that’s ok.