#my mom says the scars on me are scars on her heart but i dont think she really cares to know a lot of my scars physical and mental are

[thevoidshere88]

┐⁠(⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠)⁠┌

[effervescentdragon]

i dont know how to deal with this pain in my chest that's a constant. i dont't know how to take this much hurt.

i was a child of war, i type out and then i say to myself no, i am a child of war. its a funny story i tell people, how when i was to be born they bombarded our city the whole night. the gas that my dad spared so they could take my mother to the hospital was stolen, siphoned from the car, so what happened was that my mother's water broke in the back of a military vehicle that my dad's friends-colleagues-soldiers drove us all in to the hospital. i was born almost 12 hours later during a night when they bombarded my hometown from every mountain around it. it doesnt really matter; they bombarded us all the time.

my mother is a doctor. she worked in the hospital the whole time during the war and she worked relentlessly. she tells the stories of that time with a detachment that used to be curious to me when i was younger and is now just horrifying. "mom," i said to her years ago, "im learning about porphyrias." - "oh," she says, eyes lighting up, "the first time i encountered a case of porphyria was during the war, when we were shut in the hospital for 5 days because they kept bombarding us and we couldnt go home. one of the doctors not on call when we got stuck came with his daughter, drove to the hospital because his daughter was unconscious and we determined she had porphyria. it was really interesting to see." she doesn't see my horrified gaze. she doesn't know what she sounds like. she still doesn't, to this day. i stopped begging her to go to therapy one day when she looked at me, eyes far away, and said "if i go, where do i start?"

my friend was 5 when the war started. she asked me on saturday "are you always afraid of everything?". i shake my head. she said she wakes up sometimes gripped with fear and has to list out all the things in her life that are alright and asks her husband to hug her and still it doesnt help. she thought she was the only one to feel that way and then she tells me a new phrase she learned. generational trauma. i nod and remember her telling me how a grenade hit their building when she was 8, in the year i was born, and how she still has the burn scar on her leg from the shell.

my high school teacher told me a story once. it was war and she was 15, and it was a friday and they stopped bombarding for three days. the youth gathered at the main square on the date that used to be a celebration of youth. her friend had strict parents, "but whose parents arent strict in a war," she says with a laugh, and they all decided to walk her home before her curfew. a bomb hit the square, civillian target, and killed over 70 people. the youngest was 2. he died because a shrapnel pierced his heart as his mother was clutching him. she didn't notice until it was too late. i know her and her husband. i see them around the town sometimes. my mother worked in the hospital that day, when they brought in the wounded. my father brought them in. "thats what i always remember when my kids say im too strict," my teacher says and laughs. i laugh along. what else am i supposed to do.

the year my sister was born another genocide happened. the world looked away then too, like it does now. when the war in ukraine started my gynecologist tells me about it; about a woman who came in and said "i have 5 children." my gynecologist said "what do you mean five," lookimg at the four surrounding her. the women said "i had to leave my wounded son behind. it was the best chance these other four had to survive, if im with them". she has a placid smile on her face as i look at her in horror. "i learned not to ask stupid questions then," she says, and laughs, and i laugh along because what the fuck am i supposed to do.

i dont know how to take this pain of palestine right now and still i look. i look at the victims, thousands of innocent children and people murdered by israel's carpet bombing. i look at the ethnic cleansing happening in front of my eyes, all our eyes. i look at the world which refuses to call it what it is - an ongoing genocide of a whole population. i dont have the privilege of looking away. i opened my eyes into a war when i took my first breath, and i cannot in good conscience look away. war is in my blood; i am a child of war.

there is no point to this except to say somewhere what hurts me the most right now.

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free. it has to be. anything else is unnaceptable.

[eclipse-rain]

Fwel Tsaheylu (Broken Bond) Part 4

☆☆☆

Part 1 •Part 2 •Part 3

Masterlist~

Once when i was younger i had an accident.

I did something wrong.

What it was is hardly relevent now, insignificant as it was, but at the time it felt as if my small world was collapsing.

My eldest brother, the one i was the weakest to, ended up fixing the situation and my parents never found out it had ever taken place. But to this day my heart still races whenever someone questions how i got the faint scar on the palm of my hand.

As a child who accidentally cut my hand with a blade my first instinct should have been to cry, to ask for help, to tell my mom or dad.

My first instinct instead, was to hide.

To hide my problem. To hide my mistake, my imperfection.

We hide when we dont feel safe. When being seen was unsafe.

As a young uneducated child I somehow felt that sharing my authentic emotion was not going to be safe.

Authenticity and attachment are two equally important needs for a child but if they had to pick one or the other a child would most likely sacrifice authenticity to keep attachment.

This is because we need attachment from our caregivers as children for survival.

This is shown even in animals. Show any kind of weakness and you could be abandoned by your flock. Or in my case, my family and or clan, my safety net.

Mabey this is the cause for the way i distenced myself from anything my young self deemed wrong, unworthy.

My cause for distencing myself from anything human.

If i look back on my younger self now i would not be able to find compassion for the person i was or the situation i endured.

However, if i pictured my siblings being in any of the same circumstances that would be a diffrent story.

You could wonder what happened to a child to make them feel so unsafe to show their own emotions and yet the answer wouldnt be a simple one. Neither would the healing process.

I dont know why or what any of this means, ive never been good at or able to read my own emotions properly.

But i had always been told in my clan that i had a certain air about me.

At first i thought this was because the other na'vi people in the clan thought i was more human like than na'vi, like how they thought of my twin brother. This thought was soon pushed away however because of how i would hear my grandmother often say the same thing about me to my mother and father.

I knew it ment something diffrent then because my grandmother would never say anything harmful about me, much less to my father who was once human before becoming one of the people and Toruk Macto.

Than again, this realization didnt help in figuring out what they had ment otherwise at all. I could only guess, only assume, but never confirm and i would not be one to ask.

I would not be a bother, i would not be a burden, i would not be unworthy of my parents love.

However when i landed on that warm silky sand. The sand of the metkayina clans bay where they dwelled i finally figured out what my previous clan members and grandmother had ment.

~~~

My family had gone ahead of me to the place the metkayina clan dwelled.

We had been forced to fly in last nights storm as we were only a little ways off from where the metkayina clan stayed and father wanted us to power through one last time. During this one of Tuks posessions had been blown away and in my haste i had promised her i would look for it after the storm had passed in an attempt to calm down the destraught child.

I was now flying solo on the calm warm wind currents beyond the reef trying to find the thing that i knew i had no chance of actually finding.

My father had reassured me before hand that we would find safety and a place to rest with the Metkayina people so that i would not need to fear being separated from them even if we did not arrive together.

I had the coordinates, the directions, the knowledge and the talent to handle myself. My mother had been worried and tried to do it herself or have Neteyam go instead but even she knew that at this stage everyone was exhausted from the extensive journey.

One we had never done before and hoped would never have to again. This was something my father was trying to reassure us of by finding a place within the Metkayina clan.

My father knew i would be fine, he knew i was capable of handling myself. I just hoped i believed in myself as much as he did about this.

When you grow up the way i did, in the forest, constantly surrouded by danger, constantly needing to be alert, you develope certain instincts. Gut feelings and sharper sences. I could pride myself on these instincts, the ones i had, they kept me safe and out of danger.

It was something that was built into my body through time, through trial and error. Watching and learning, learning from my mistakes and bettering myself. I may not be as connected with the forest as Kiri but i sure as hell made it so i would know what was going on around me when i was in it. To not only further improve myself to gain my parents aproval and recognition but also to protect myself and my siblings.

This was one of the main reasons my father was so addament to send me. Also because of the whole insident that made us all have to flee our home in the first place. The incident where my siblings were captured by humans in avatar bodies, putting knives to their throats and even going so far as to kidnap Spider who was also human.

If i had been with them at that time i would have, for one, been in my right mind as to not do something stupid like that, which might be the reason they didnt have me come along with them. And i also would have known especially to not bring Tuk along while doing it. But also i would have been able to sence something was wrong, that someone was coming. Hear twigs snapping in an unnatural way, the sound of footsteps indicating how many people were headed our way.

How heavy they were, how tall they were, if they were trying to sneak up on us all or not and which direcrion they were coming from. I would be able to sence all these things. I had taught myself to, spending countless hours alone in the forest training myself while also practicing everything my mother had taught me and everything i had witnessed while observing others, which i had absorbed like a sponge.

My father might have been giving me a chance to prove myself to my mother like how my brothers yearned to prove themselves to him. Rather, to me, i didnt think it would do much but tire me out even more than i already was. And if i was unlucky enough i could even get stranded if my bond with my ikran started acting up again.

Having said that, we were only a little ways off from our destination so this had put my mind at ease about doing it. It seemed to calm my mothers mind as well, who seemed the least willing to let me part with them. It was also reassuring to her and, although i wouldnt admit it, to myself as well, that father had told me to catch up to them after a day and no later even if i had not found what i was sent looking for.

"Wow great idea, make a promise to your little sister to do something dumb when you both know you never break a promise" i said to myself out loud as there was now no one around to hear me.

Technically i never said i would find the thing, only look for it, but now i felt the need to find it before returning or it would nag at my conscience everytime i looked at tuks pouting face. As i knew she would be sulking about it for the next week at least and that wouldnt do after she was already sad enough having to leave her home.

The leather seat of my ikrans saddle burned into the sides of my legs from the extensive riding. I was sure that if i hadnt been wearing my riding pants that i would have had cuts lining my thighs from all the sharp turns i had to make in and around rock formations i had seen too late.

I definitely had burns from the leather because of all the jerking left and right of my ikran i had to do. I had been anxious the whole time we were riding, just waiting for my bond with my ikran to give out and for us both to go tumbling out of the sky together. My family would find out and- oh i couldnt even think about it any further.

But thankfully my ikran had held up and i got comfortable enough to have Tuk sit with me, to take her off my mothers hands, when i felt less anxious that we could possibly fall.

After a while of searching for Tuks posession i was lucky that i had found it and even more so that nothing bad had happened with my ikran or bond while i had been alone and separated from my family.

I had memorised the directions my father had explained and even written down for me and followed them to a tee. I soared over head flying lower to the sea than usual, trying not to give off a threatening posture as i arrived upon my destination.

I arrived in the early morning a day later than the rest of my family to the residence of the Metkayina clan. I saw many of the clans members working and doing chores around as i flew high above them.

They called out to me and i responded in as much of a friendly and non-threatening manner as i could in turn.

Even though my father had reassured me that the Metkayina clan would take them in the day before, i could not help but worry that they might have been turned away and i would have to go in search of them.

Although going in search of my family didnt seem very likely since i knew that even if they were turned away my father would have at least barginned with the Metkayina clans leaders for them to stay at least until i returned.

And when i did return if they could be so kind as to show hospitality until we were rested enough to continue our journey and move on to possibly the next nearest clan or whatever else father and mother had in mind.

When i finally landed on the bay of where the Metkayina clan dwelled i hopped off the back of my ikran onto the warm sand down below. It was an odd and new feeling but not one that was uplesant. What was really unpleasant was the way the people of the clan gathered around me immediately like a hawk to prey, looking at me like i was a meal.

We had learned all about the leaders of the Metkayina clan and how fierce they were before we departed, their Olo'eyktan Tonowari and especially their Tsahik Ronal. We had also learned about their children, the youngest Tsireya and the eldest and heir Ao'noung. This knowledge was deemed necessary for us to have by father if we were to ever make a good first impression or find our place in a diffrent clan.

When i felt their eyes roaming my body as if to look for any weakness they could find and exploit i did as i always would in these situations. I had observed many a time how my mother and father dealt with affairs and how they and other senior members of the clan showed their authority. But since i was suposed to keep a friendly attitude as my father had said i toned it down a bit, simply blocking out any and all ways i could appear weak to my new clan.

Shoulders down and back. Chin up. Hold your head high. Keeping your tail and ears stiff, dont let them twitch, dont move them. Dont fiddle or figet with your hands or anything else. Dont let the gleam in your eyes waver as they stare you down, soaking in every aspect of your being, even if you feel as if your awaiting death row.

And that was it. They backed off. The hungry gleam in their eyes faded out. Usually they relaxed back into themselves and carried on with what they were doing, mostly just ignoring me afterwards. Thats what the people in my clan did when i put up this version of my shield as they had grown used to the flame i had, the fire my heart contained. But the people here were not used to me, they seemed even slightly tense after the gleam had left their eyes, their confidence with it.

'Maybe this is what Grandmother had ment' i thought to myself as i witnessed the situation that played out before my eyes.

Instead of dropping and relaxing their shoulders completly they looked almost scruched up slightly as if I were the one who made them recline into themselves instead of the other way around like they thought it would be.

Yes. I was sure of it now. This is what my Grandmother had ment.

The spark im my heart. The one that i kept under wraps, contained, but that yearned to be set free, that yearned to rage a blazing fire. It peaked its head out at moments, moments like these and when it did it demanded respect. It could enrapture peoples attention and in turn their own hearts.

If only i could use it to its fullest, my fullest potential. But alas, i had to be careful. Be careful so as not to lose control of that spark, of that fire and burn away what i yearned to keep close. What was most precious even over my own heart, my soul, my own true self.

Soon enough a boy who looked around about my age passed through the crowd as they made a clear path for him to walk through. I assumed him to be the first born and heir of the clan, like my eldest brother had been of our former clan.

I had seen him arrive a little earlier then wence he approched me but he seemed to be looking on from afar and observing the situation, possibly seeing how i would react and if i would recline into myself or step up to the challenge. Thats what his eyes were telling me, they were hungry like the others had been and they still were after seeing my 'little performance'.

As he approched i put my hand to my head and brought it downwards lightly as a sign of respect. I had expected him to make some sly remark, even though i had always been told to 'never judge a book by its cover' by my father, but to my surprise, although i didnt show it, he returned my gesture in full.

His eyes still told an entirely diffrent story and i was far too used to that look to fall for it at this age. Yes, I'd play along. We could be civilised to each other as of right now, but in that moment i could tell with every ounce of my being that we both had the same thought.

'If you so much as step one foot out of line you'll answer to me'

Preditor had met preditor head on and prey hid for their lives. Of course this was all coated underneath a layer of politeness for the sake of peace and friendship. For the chance that would be given to the other until it was knowingly going to be broken one way or the other.

But he didn't know me. He didnt know what game he was playing, what game he was getting himself into. He had no idea what kind of self control i had. And if you havent already gathered from what you've read so far, I'll tell you, its a whole fuxking lot.

I could play the long game, the fun part was just watching how long he could keep up.

My attention was captured as my youngest sister ran up to me eagerly followed by my parents one after the other. They had heard word of my arrival after having kept look out for me for all of the time i was gone. Tuk started to search my body for her possession before she started jumping around when i returned it to her. Quickly there after, she hugged the lower half of my body as if she was latching onto me for dear life. I was embraced multiple times by my parents as well before i was hauled off to help my three other siblings who were setting up our new sleeping area.

As i went to see my new living quarters for the first time, with a new outlook on the situation i was thrust into with the rest of my family, i had a final thought.

'Maybe my new home wont be so bad after all'

~~~

Oh boy was i wrong. So very wrong.

I was standing waste deep in the water off the bay where the Metkayina clan resided. The first day of arrival had been given to my family for rest but i didnt get to indulge in that pleasure as we were quickly thrust into learning the ways of the Metkayina people. Today my siblings and i would be learning how to ride an ilu guided by Tsereya, Ao'nung and their friend Rotxo's instruction.

Apart from the semi-welcome, semi-unwelcome welcoming my family had recieved upon arrival they had not been hesitant to tech us all their ways and i was now starting to find my way here. Tuk had picked it up fast with Tsereya as her mentor and Kiri was a natural as usual without any instriction nessecary. My elder brothers Neteyam and Lo'ak had been taken to another area away from the rest of us to learn from Ao'nung and Rotxo. I wondered how they were doing and if it was going as well as how my sisters and i were doing.

Us three got lucky. Tsireya was a gentle soul. She was very kind and made sure to look after Tuk as the youngest. I cringed when i thought back to how my younger sister Kiri had informed me after my arrival, while snickering, that our older brother Lo'ak had eyes on her from the moment they had landed. She seemed to like him too, much to his delight. I would be happy to have her as my sister if it turned out that way but felt sorry if she was going to get stuck with my troublesome twin in the process.

With Tsireyas guidance i had picked up how to ride an ilu fairly quickly. It wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be. I was nervous that i wouldnt get it right at the start, especially since about every joint in my body still ached from my extra long flight, but Tsireya made it feel more fun than like a chore.

As i first sat myself down onto the saddle of the ilu i stroked his head and leaned down to whisper to him a silent prayer. Wheather it was to the ilu, myself, Eywa or all three i wasn't completely sure.

'Please, please work. Keep on being normal like you have done so for the past few days.'

The ilu chittered in response, most likely not understanding me at all but it felt somehow reassuring even so.

Nothing had gone wrong over the past few days and i was starting to actually grow uneasy instead of being happy about it. It was almost like the calm before the storm and everyone knows how that scenario ends.

After Tsireya helped Kiri onto her ilu she had gone off on her own without a hitch, Tsireya then went to help and guide Tuk after making sure i could handle myself as the eldest there.

"I will stick beside Tuk the whole time, as she is a child. Please feel free to go off on your own and dont be burdened" she had said

"Yes, thank you" i replied after hoisting myself up onto the ilu i was given

It was definitely a new feeling, like the sand had been. Although it was not unpleasant, it did give me a certain anxiety. It was a joint mix of wheather or not my bond would work, if i could hold my breath long enough and if i could steer it properly because it was not my ikran.

But i was also partly excited. Excited to see the world below, like i knew Kiri was. She only had one thing on her mind ever since father had told us where we were heading for our destination.

Deciding to follow her i had my ilu go forward just like Tsireya had taught us to do. I wanted to see the look on my younger sisters face as she witnessed all her dreams about this place become real. And what a sight to behold it was. The way the water wrapped around me so tightly as i made my decent down into the depths below made me feel safer than i ever did in the forest.

It felt like being swaddled in a big blanket and as if none of my worries could reach all the way down here, just like how it felt when i would fly for hours on end up in the sky on my ikran. I saw Kiri off on her own not too far away, admiring the scenery and playing with little fish and other underwater animals i hadn't seen before that passed us by.

Down here the water was crystal clear and the sun danced off of every surface it touched making a kaleidoscope of patterns along them. I watched kiri as she let her body sway with the flow of the water as she rode her ilu, i copied her mannerisms and found how much easier it made riding my ilu properly already.

I let the water guide me as i passed under her, scanning the ocean floor and tracing my long slender fingers across any shells i saw in passing. I looked back and noticed kiri following me doing much the same thing. She noticed me and we both shared a smile as i could tell in that moment that we also shared the same feeling in or hearts.

Until mine was spiked by anxiety.

I couldn't breath. I had been intending to go up for air soon but now i couldn't breath for another reason. The calm before the storm. I knew it would never last, i was now in that storm. I could feel myself losing control once again and i almost screamed at myself in rage, losing any breath i still had.

With what control i had left over my tsaheylu with my ilu i rushed towards the surface as fast as i could, leaving Kiri behind. I felt my ilu thrashing around as it was loosing my guidance and instruction but we eventually broke the suface of the water. I felt the buring in my lungs cease as i gasped in the air i was presented with.

I quickly detached my que from my ilu and broke the bond. My ilu gradually calmed down with just a few pats and strokes from myself and began chittering away to itself once again in no time.

Kiri broke through the water not even a minute later. After following me to the surface she had an odd look on her face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah i just needed a breather, you know?" I replied to her questioning, noticeably out of breath as my heart raced a million miles a minute.

"Me too. It's hard to hold your breath for that long. We still need to get used to some things here."

"Yeah..." i was glad i didnt have to be the one to explain myelf, she seemed to have covered all the excuses i had whipped up in the minute i had to think about what i might say. It wasn't exactly like i was lying though, i really was planning on going up to gather my breath anyway.

I was just witholding a small piece of information that wasnt necessary to give her at all. It would only stress her out.

Tsireya and Tuk had joined us not long later to catch their breath as well and with that we all joined back up with the boys for a joint lesson on breathing.

The sun was setting behind us as exlipse was drawing nearer and we all sat in a circle to focus on the techniques shown to us by the kids of the Metkayina clan. By now with todays techings we had all picked up the basic nessecities of the skills we needed to not be a nuisance to the Metkayina clan while staying with them from here on out.

Thanks to these techings i learned how to hold my breath for longer which was a good experience except for the fact that i had to sit next to Lo'ak and witness as he spluttered nervously like a love struck fool when Tsireya so much as touched him.

I looked over at Kiri and made a face before we both erupted in fits of giggles, working hard to stifle our laughter so as not to embarrass our brother any more than he was doing so on his own. The day faded away into eclipse with laughter and hearts that were full.

I know i said i was wrong about thinking staying here wouldn't be so bad after all but...

Thats not the bad part.

In fact everything started off relatively normal. Everyone was kind and happy but i wonder if that really all was just a facade. Just a layer of politeness over everyones real feelings for the sake of diplomacy. I couldn't tell what the future held then, but even if i tried i sure as hell wouldn't have guessed in a million years.

Though it did start going downhill the way i always knew it would. Because there would always be people who saw us, my family, my siblings and even i as less then na'vi, as human, as alien.

My brother, my twin, being treated as live fish bait and what was i doing? Absolutely nothing. I should have been there for him, i shouldnt have let that happen and even worse he took the blame for all of it. For that a$$hole Ao'noung who started this whole mess and i bet didnt even thank my brother in return for covering for him.

Our parents might not have been able to tell Lo'ak was covering for Ao'noung or maybe they did but they didnt see what had happened themselves so they just had to take the word of the one owing up to it. Either way i knew my brother and even if i had not seen what had happened between the two of them or outside the reef where he was attacked i wouldnt believe his pretty lies.

He was not the type to own up, as much as it pains me to say, our older brother was always the one to stick up for him. And even when he did Lo'ak would never retaliate and say it was his fault and not our elder brothers, letting him take the blame as he pleased. I knew my twin did not do this because it came from a bad place, because he had a bad heart, but because he was scared.

I knew that much, we were twins after all, like i said before, it would be wierd if we didnt have at least a couple things in common. But i suppose i wouldnt know as much as i used to about him now, we had grown more separated than we used to be. I take the responsibility for that due to my own fear. We both feared the unknown, he feared failure and letting people down and so did i.

Mabey we were, are, more alike than i had previously thought. As we grew further apart i started to think that we never really had anything in common but how would i really know since we never talked deeply about anything. We didnt confide in each other, we didnt know what the other was thinking and somethimes i wondered or even hoped that he might feel the same as me.

Only this time in a diffrent way. I thought it might be the case when we all saw him return safely, he owned up and my father said the harshest words he could have to him.

"You dishoner this family"

I could only imagine how my brother was feeling but as for me i felt them in my soul. We are twins so i could assume Lo'ak felt the same, only much worse since he was the one those words were directed at.

But they made me feel sick to my stomach, when i heard those words it dropped straight down and then lurched upwards like i was being spun around and around. This was because we are twins, he is one half of me, the other half of me. I felt those words to my core and they whispered that i was next.

Sometimes i think theres something wrong with me.

I have both my parents and my siblings. Theyre all nice people and none of them have died. I have a nice home, a nice clan and a nice grandmother. I have people who will support me through anything. So when i see them in front of me i know i should feel something...but i dont.

These are the people who raised me, who are my parents, who love me. They gave me a home and shelter, they fed me and protect me. They are the people i call to when i have a problem that i cant fix on my own or when im sick because i need thay sense of familiarity. Because they are my safety net. The only safety i know, they always have been.

So i know i should love them, i should reciprocate these feelings...but i dont. I look at them and i feel nothing. I think ive been tricking myself into thinking that i really do feel something, that i really love them and that i dont feel like its just because they were the only ones who protected me as i grew up. Because i had no choice in the matter and no one else to give me that sense of familiarity and safety.

And when i came to realise this, that i had been tricking myself, living in my own ignorance and delision, i started to act...started to lie. I thought 'well if i can trick myself what would be so hard about showing that emotion outwards and making life better for everyone else with a little white lie'.

'Lying is a form of love'.

With this white lie people would then begin to say 'you look happier as of late', 'you smile more now', 'you've changed', 'im glad your finally opening up to us'...

No. Its a lie. Its all a lie!

This isnt the real me.

Its just the me that keeps the peace, keeps the balance, keeps a sembalance of normality and familiarity because im scared of letting go, im scared of the outcome and im scared of hurting others even when i dont mean to. But how can i help it if its what i really feel, if its the real me, I cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me....so i just lie instead. Its the better option...for everyone, everyone but me.

You often times hear how mothers or fathers do not feel connected with their child after its birth. They feel nothing towards this child and feel great grief over it, knowing they should feel all these diffrent emotions toward their child. They think somethings wrong with them but then over time as they are around the child more and watch it grow they learn to connect to the child, to love it. They watch them become their own person and the cycle might continue once that child becomes an adult and has children of its own, it has done so with many others.

I feel like that too. Can it be the same thing but the opposite way around, with the child being the one who wants to learn to love their parents? It wasnt always like this, i think i used to love them but my memories of my childhood have all faded into one big blur. I cannot recall any memories save for a few that have impacted me the most and only these i recalled recently or have kept with me and never once have left my mind. So i want to learn how to love them again, not just for them but also for me.

Lying and acting go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You lie to act and you act to lie.

Thats the way i see it. Because i have known no diffrent. I do not know how to portray my feelings, my emotions, outwardly...not the real ones at least. So i lie. I lie and i act and i lie some more. Over and over and over again until i get twisted up in this web, this net of lies and fall down the rabbit hole until i dont even remember what i was like before. Before the lies, before all of it.

I dont know who the real me is anymore. But there is one thing i know, one thing i cant do.

Imagine this ; your going to bed at night and your parent comes to see you off one final time before you fall into your dreamland, and they say 'goodnight, sleep tight', 'see you in the morning', 'I love you'.

All the normality in the world, all the feelings and safety that should make you feel happy but all you feel instead is grief. Grief at yourself for only being able to reply back with a 'Okay' or 'Night' or a 'See you tomorrow' but never being able to utter the words 'I love you'. Because they carry so much weight to you, so much raw emotion that you cannot let escape from your being in fear. Pure fear of the unknown, of what will happen if you put these feelings on display, for the whole world to see.

Its not that i hate them, my parents, i just need to relearn how to let love win over fear, let them take my worries so i can love without restraint. Its like my heart is aching to be let out of its confinments within my chest where its tamed and trained to let the outershell act and lie while it rots away my entire being from the inside out.

Because 'I love you' are the only words i cannot speak out loud.

They are the only words i cannot bring myself to lie.

☆☆☆

@jakesully-sbabygirl @dreamsholdpowers @alohastitch0626 @1ntefly @arminsgfloll @bobojojoba69 @bucky12345 @destinylb @exactlyhappyflower @eternallyvenus @heart-an0n

(Everyone who used to read this is gone by now just watch😭✋)

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[bridgyrose]

Emerald bonds with Ren and ESPECIALLY Nora over the commonalities of their youth.

(Enjoy the pain!)

Emerald sighed as she looked at the memory wall, her heart sinking as she looked at the pictures of Team RWBY, Penny, and Jaune. It had only been a week since they had died and yet, she still couldnt help but blame herself. Spending time vying for Cinder’s affections instead of trying to help stop Beacon from being attacked, continuing to follow Cinder after the mistake that was Haven, waiting to leave until she felt like she hadnt had a choice… all of it could’ve been avoided if she had just seen where this was leading sooner. Beacon would still be standing, Atlas wouldnt have fallen, Penny would be alive, Ruby and her friends wouldnt have had to sacrifice themselves to save those they could. 

“You’re going to get dehydrated if you stay out here like this.” 

Emerald sighed and moved into the dwindling shadow of a nearby building, catching Nora out of the corner of her eye. “Maybe… maybe that’s the plan.” 

Nora shook her head and walked over to her. “That’s a terrible plan.” 

“And I’m a terrible person. I’ve… wronged each of them.” Emerald looked over the pictures once more, her voice cracking as she spoke. “I helped kill Penny, tried to kill Ruby, put Weiss in a position to get speared, used Yang, assisted in bringing Adam to Blake… and Jaune… I dont know what I did to him but I know I did something. I could’ve stopped before it got this far, could’ve left Cinder instead of going after her. I thought she cared about me… loved me the same way I loved her. Instead… she snapped at me.” 

“Yeah, but… you’re still here.” Nora held her arm close to her chest, a finger tracing once of the scars that ran up her arm. “Ren and I were orphaned too. My mom abandoned me when grimm attacked and I was left to survive on my own for a long time. Ren had a family, but then a nuckelavee attacked his village and killed everyone. He and I managed to survive and… we’ve stuck together since. Jaune, Pyrrha, Team RWBY, Penny… they became family to us once we came to Beacon. So, I think I get why you couldnt leave her. Its hard to leave that feeling of belonging somewhere.” 

Emerald went quiet and wiped a tear from her cheek. Hearing from Nora that her life was just as hard, maybe harder since her semblance didnt help her get what she wanted, and seeing the way she turned out, the fact that she found a way to help others instead of wanting to watch the world burn for being abandoned… all because she found someone that supported her instead of wanting to use her. 

“I cant say any of it was easy though,” Nora continued, her eyes moving to the ground to hide how she felt. “Even with Ren by my side, there were still plenty of nights with not enough to eat, cold nights made us fight to stay warm, grimm werent easy to avoid and followed us around. We got lucky.” 

“I… I didnt know.” 

“I didnt expect you to.” Nora smiled a bit and looked at the pictures on the wall once more, her arm shaking. “Sometimes all you need is someone who cares about you to be by your side, to help protect you and keep you moving in the right direction.” 

“And that was Ren for you, wasnt it?” 

Emerald nodded and sat down for a moment to look at the pictures on the wall. “Do… do you think they would’ve helped me too? If they were here now.” 

Nora nodded. “That’s who they were, people who help. Its what they try to be as huntresses.” 

“May… may I stay with you and Ren for a while?” Emerald finally asked. 

“Stay with us? What do you mean by that?” 

“I mean to stay with you… live with you… learn from you. You and I have gone through a bit of the same shit and I… I want to learn how to deal with it better like you did.” 

“I dont see a problem with that.” 

[salems-spaghettios]

It will be okay sweetpea pt.3

~Gwendoline Christie x pregnant!daughter!reader

Bold + Italic = flashback/memory

Italic = idk I used it for different things

Bold = thought

Warnings: light mention of alcohol, death, blood, miscarriage, somewhat descriptive self-harm, implied eating disorder, childbirth, self-depreciation, mental health, angst? (im probably forgetting something.)

A/n: this part has fluff fyi

“Darling?” She asked quietly in case you fell asleep, you hummed in response, letting her know you were conscious. “What happened to your legs and arms?” She had tears in her eyes. You didn’t know what to say, and you had been hiding your relapses so well. Well, in your eyes long sleeves and sweatpants is well hidden. “My darling girl.. Why?” Her last word is what broke you. You’re such a disappointment, she’s mad. She’s going to say you can’t be a mom. Tears streamed from your eyes. “Ifeltbadabouteverythingimsosorry.” you mumbled. You hid deeper into her chest. You didn’t really want her to hear you, but having lived your entire life with her, she understood your words. “It’s okay to feel bad, but it is never okay to suffer in silence. You won’t be alone in caring for your daughter, you’ve got me. And you have never been alone when caring for yourself, I’ve always been here. So, why neglect yourself recently my darling angel. I’m not mad at you, I just wish you would’ve talked to me. I’m sorry I didn’t notice how bad you were struggling as of recently.” She spoke so calmly, yet you could tell she was crying. Looking up into her eyes, you were right. She was crying. “Oh mum, I wanted to ask you for help, I just didn’t want to be a burden-” She stopped you “You have NEVER been a burden, I love you. I love helping you whether it mentally or with silly little things like picking up things for you during your pregnancy. I will willingly spend the rest of my life informing you that I am here for you.” The midwife came back into your room with a little crib holding your daughter, it was on wheels conveniently. You were concerned because your daughter was crying. “This tiny little one is healthy, but we would like to watch you both of course. Also we noticed the injuries on your arms and legs..” She looked at your mother, so you were aware of who the next sentence was for. “I have some bandages if you’d like to take care of your daughter yourself.” Oblivious to the conversation as soon as you weren’t involved. You were holding your daughter cautiously, scared you would hurt her. But she stopped crying as soon as you picked her up, making your heart swell up with joy. “I would like that very much, thank you” your mother was quick to reply. The midwife handed your mother the bandages, and left the room. Your mother moved next to you in the bed, you leaned forward so it wasn’t so awkward. She was set on going to bandage every newer scratch and every newer cut. Giving the area a kiss with each bandage, she went to your older scars and kissed them as well. She finished and held your cheek in her hand, you were fighting sleep but agreed to resting your cheek on her hand. “I love you mum.” You hadn’t told you loved her since you left for your doctors appointment, so long ago. She smiled “It will be okay sweetpea.” With that you fell asleep with your daughter in your arms, your mother laid down so she could hold you. She felt good, because she knew it would be okay.

THE END. THIS IS THE FIRST FAN-FIC I’VE EVER POSTED AND I KNOW IT'S TRASH AND I JUST DONT KNOW AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

[kin-the-muffin]

****OWL HOUSE SEASON 2 FINALE SPOILERS****

**AGAIN**

yall

im sorry i didnt make this sooner

i just

i needed some time to process everything…

first up on the line we have:

WILLOW MAKING EVERYONE FEEL BETTER MAKES ME SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYY SHES SO GOOD AT IT AAAA-

im sorry, wasnt she a wild witch??? why is she cheering for philip AT the day of unity???

what was that weird thing philip did to make the scar disappear? was it a hybrid of illusion magic or something, as it did reappear later?

is it weird that i feel a bit sympathetic for kiki?

AND WILLOW SO SMOOTHLY CATCHING HUNTER LIKE THAT?!?!? AAA- AND HIS EARS WENT RED, AS WELL AS HIM BLUSHING!!!!!!!!

AND DARIUS STOPPED TO PROTECT EBERWOLF????? THAT IS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER HAVE EXPECTED

‘i dont want to see another human life destroyed by this place’ UM? BUT?? IT WAS YOU?? WHO DESTROYED CALEB’S LIFE???

and OH MY GOSH LUZ WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING PETRIFIED!! WHERES A MOMMA HARPY EDA WHEN YOU NEED HER????

that was a wicked stunt luz pulled on philip, making only the glove invis mustve taken serious concentration

hunter protecting willow from falling rocks was so fricken cute

‘a child from the stars’???

woooow, philip, tryna manipulate hunter WHILE youre fighting is low, even for you, also it is confirmed! caleb is the name of philip’s brother

ok ok, so king’s dad trapped the collector, and now king’s emblem can make him invisible from them? so king’s dad knew that the collector was a threat, even to A TITAN, which is very concerning, to say the least

really random thing but now eda only has one arm?? and they treated it so casually???

ok there goes the collecluz theory, as cool as it was, but also the collector looks AWESOME and people are already going straight to ‘i believe in collector supremacy’ which i think is a bit brash, considering, yknow, THEM???

sooooooo…rip philip! yikes, thats a scary show of power. BUT HUNTER’S FACE??!!??!?!?!?!?!! I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL???

hot DANG THIS KID IS POWERFUL, THEY JUST CASUALLY MOVE THE FRICKEN MOON

GUYS GUYS GUYS OK THIS IS REALLY HARD TO SEE, BUT TRUST ME, THE COLLECTOR’S EARS ARE ROUND, LIKE, HUMAN-ROUND??? HUH????????

that little bit of, um, i dunno what to call it, philip?? getting on hunter is VERY CONCERNING, to say the least

‘luz, im so happy i had you as a big sister’ WOW OK I DID NOT NEED MY HEART ANYWAYS THANK YOOOOOU

WELL THIS IS JUST LIKE AMPHIBIA

in other news, ‘GIRL LOST IN FROG LAND?? HOAX??’ ITS CONFIRMED YALL ITS CONFIRMED

HOPE YOU HAVE ROOM FOR FIVE MORE TRAUMATIZED TEENAGERS IN YOUR LIFE, CAMILA, CUZ NONE OF THEM HAVE MOMS SO GET READY!!!

and lastly, some of that philip-goop got back too. yay.

edit: ok i may have been misinformed about the release date and im so so sorry for any excitement/disappointment i may have caused..

[craw-dacious]

Review of made weak by time and fate, but strong in will by dialux

Summary: I really really enjoyed this fic, the characterizations made me actually like the characters like A LOT. Some characters were underdeveloped, but thats alright because it’s such a lily/James focused fic. Ending was good but a little unfulfilling. I do think some of the dramatics and action became more confusing than true plot devices, but it would have gotten very very long with full transitional throughout the book. Criticisms aside, incredibly well written, amazing prose, and truly beautiful symbolism. I read this in about 24 hours.

SPOILERS BELOW BEWARE

Chapter by chapter review, from someone brand spanking new to marauders fics (not harry potter)

Chapter one

Wait why is lily calling him Jimmy is that a thing

This chapter is long asf

I need to read up on how magic works, I know Lily is a super good witch but this seems unrealistic even for her

But also the hurt comfort is going to go crazy I already know

Just leaving your baby and almost dead husband alone in the woods is wild

I sincerely hope Snape still sucks complete ass, I hate him and his little monologue does nothing to help

NO WAND BRUHHHH

Overall: I am currently crying. That poor girls mom is dead. Am I confused about pacing? Yes. Am I cringing at the little “I am Thanatos” line to end it? Yes. But, overall the vibes are fantastic and I’m loving it.

Chapter Two

OMG lightning scar!!1

Thor as a wizard is funny bc im imagining like the marvel actor with a big fat wand

Literally how did they forget about Sirius bruh

Calling him Jimmy is getting on my nervesss like I guess its cute but it just does not fit his vibe

Why am I crying again

“Courage dear heart” my mommy captioned an insta pic of me chopping my hair off with that when i was like 9

Recap: the lightning is throwing me big time, like im so confused by what it means. Seems very symbolic and shit but also cool as fuck for James

Im excited for Sirius to be involved

Chapter 3

Crying again bruh Sirius never found out abt regulus in canon so sad

Recap is just that the fic is fire, I like all the dynamics other than thinking remus is a little underdeveloped and I dont understand the earth magic stuff. Excited to see baby harry again

Chapter 4

Crying AGAIN this regulus bullshit is so sad

Wtf are remus and James up to bruh

Lily is so convincing like she’s a genius

I really want to understand lily more as a character. Had a dream we were friends during my sick nap today and she was just Gracie and I called her a mudblood :/

This ritual magic shit is cool as fuck, im sure its not as prevalent in other marauders fic but its slaying

Remus and Sirius being so gay but not enough brother

Recap:

Huge plot shit,, how could this possibly get wackier sillier love it. (I know it’s like scary I just like the creativeness a lot) worried about Narcissa and craving some redemption/mention of Draco bc Im me. Need to see harry. Need to see harry baby harry

Chapter 5

THEY’D SAY HARRY DID IT I FORGOT IT WAS HER MAGIC THAT KILLED VOLDY

Threatening to raise Malfoy as not racist and it working is insane

James is actually so dumb racism is always bruh

But Severus is stupider how does he think his poetic shit is going down in Lily’s head??

HOW DID SIRIUS NOT DIE

HOW DID NO ONE DIE

No baby harry is criminal. Like actually criminal. Im losing it.

RECAP FULL:

I really really enjoyed this fic, the characterizations made me actually like the characters like A LOT. Still feel like Remus was underdeveloped, but thats alright because it’s such a lily/James focused fic. I do wish we’d had some sort of epilogue, I want baby Harry so badly. I do think some of the dramatics and action became more confusing than true plot devices, but it would have gotten very very long with full transitional throughout the book. Also Lily definitely told Petunia shed leave Harry for a couple days and then was gone for weeks. Like its insane.

Numerical: 8.2/10, lost one full point for "Jimmy"

[art-i-know-yes]

*says to myself that i won't do commentary on every episode i watch and that'll I'll switch off each episode*

*Jimmy says the most shit ever*

*breathes deeply*

SPOILERS FOR JIMJAMS POV ON 24LSMP OR LIMOTED LIFE

idc if Grian and Jimmy are on the same team im going to watch both povs

"im going to finally have friends" this was the quote btw

he wants to be monolopy man

*GASP* THEYRE THE BROTHERS TEAM

you don't know this but i heavily headcannon them as brothers (Joel as Jimmy's brother in law)

Jimmy. Jimmy plz.

Scar first death on the server.

*flips paper* so. who else got bingo cards.

im using @shepscapades bingo

i love her stuff to an unhealthy amount

anyway

also most prepped everyone has been

Jimmy has corrupted my head slug

Does jimmy being a thief count as villain arc or are we talking about the villain arc

they are bad bois

pearl is always just out of sight

someone spedran

they are so stupid💖💖💖

did scar do it first

that would've been hilarious

oh. here's where the bad boys messed up

keep inventory is on. k. ok.

everyone was literally waiting for them

i think life hates me bc like i have work soon

bad boy hits rancher huge scandal

every idea they have

this is hell chaos

"i do but i hate the name"

"bc im a bad boy *loud screaming*"

"on a completely unrelated note do you have gravel"

"i think im scared?" "im not scared" "i think im worried?" "im not worried"

love the groups

plz dont

"i slipped off the roof"

"do you guys wanna dig straight down" *literally caused them both to lose an hour* "yeah"

Cleo death

diaaaaammmoooonndddsss

"i was a good boy back then!"

they are so silly

brother antics

does the collection of amethyst count as a aha reference

Jimmy finds diamonds?!?!?!? top story

omg Jimmy is doing so good

do you think my boss is going to make me work through a tornado... probably

ooooo Jimmy spying

"this is why I'm mom it's fine"

cleo dying laughing

"our crops bdubs our crops"

still a homewrecker at heart

*disappointed sighs*

they say as if Joel doesn't bully him on a daily basis

bdubs once again working under scar again

Jimmy making enemies with everyone

*sigh*

"it's scar! look at his face"

you should've learned Jimmy

but also it was totally martyn

sad bois Jimmy is very sad boi

"Oh! hello grian!"

cleo is very motherly

"look to your left"

"we're letting it burn are we???"

"you have to know what scar wants in life" "you do know"

is it obvious who i...favor together

it was scar

"spyglasses are so 2020"

Jimmy got that super sight

"he was in the cave with us grian!"

they're just fishing

"you know it's gonna be you"

"martyn just died" "WHO CARES THIS IS MORE INTENSE"

"*screams* easy"

sad, mad, bad bois

rad bois

this is getting very aha -esk-

i think it counts

I can't physically go through this again plz

i love them. they are such losers. and i love them so so so much. bad boys or as i might refer to them the brothers team. and i love T.I.E.S too. time to watch some solo-ers

[wander-wren]

⌛✅💧

When did you join the fandom?

i was about 12 if memory serves, and my sisters and one friend at the time were all really into minecraft, and we all got onto minecraft seeds pro to find cool seeds and maps. the app still exists btw. it’s sort of like a social media thing, you have a little blog where you can post about your worlds and builds OR—off topic things.

and over in the off topic section was, naturally, a thriving community of artists and writers. including warriors fans. i didnt even know what fandom was yet, but i played in that sandbox for a summer, then moved to wattpad. somewhere in that time i also found the map community on youtube, and though i never learned to draw like a lot of fans i loved watching them. then i moved off wattpad and kinda fell out of actively participating in fandom for a few years and now i’m back!

Best canon design?

bold of you to assume i remember them?? um but let me think.

i was just saying earlier that snowtuft’s scar is cool character design, but idk if i want to call him the Best. i really like sol’s, he’s iconic. and now that i think about it yellowfang’s is also very good. and scourge of course but he’s such an easy answer for this. oh and i love brambleberry’s, assuming i’m remembering her right. dalmation kitty. that’s not really answering this question but shhh.

Scene that made you cry?

well, none, but that’s a boring answer. i think the one that stuck with me longest as being really sad is falling feather and jackdaw’s cry killing each other. dotc was my first arc, so.

i wanted to give this a better answer so i searched my discord channel where i infodump about warriors for “sad” and remembered that time i reread tallstar’s revenge and OH BOY. yeah that’s my answer actually. two moments from that book.

when tallstar and jake return and are separating, anx jake says tallstar shouldnt come with him to be a kittypet bc he wouldn’t be happy, and “i’d hate for you to be unhappy” “then why are you leaving?” maybe it’s just bc of that tenelle flowers reading of the scene but oh it breaks my heart. like outside of ship reasons (talljake 5ever) talltail at that point really had no one, or thought he had no one. not even his revenge mission. and now jake is leaving too? fuck, man.

that one moment where palebird talks about finchkit early on. tallkit is like “did you kit her wrong? did starclan want her?” and obviously palebird is experiencing postpartum depression and grieving and at the SAME TIME fucking brackenwing is like “oh i dont know why you had to name her, starclan would’ve given her a name” like shut up!! shut up shut up!! i feel so awful for her and that’s not tallkit’s fault, he’s just not Helping, and she still has to be his mom and it’s just. yeah.

honorary mention from my discord bc i can never ever shut up: badgerfang’s death. yeah. YEAH. cry with me. ho my god

[effymefy]

every night i feel so lonely. whenever someone need i’ll be there no matter what the time is, but when i feel down, sad and lonely and i need someone to talk to theres nobody as fast as i am to reply. it does feel lonely and sad sometimes. whats the point of being “well known” and have lot of friends when non of them are there for me when i feel like im at the lowest. im lying to myself. i force myself to be okay. im actually not okay. im actually in pain deep inside my heart making the scars of my own. i shouldnt have care anymore. i dont miss her but it hurts so much to know ive been replaced so damn fucking fast. its been like what ? 4 weeks and she already have someone new as her SO ? im that worthless that im not worth to move on from ? im not suck as a partner that my love just being replaced like that ? when u said no i would be single cause u got tired and cant commit and yet u accept some guy and what worst is its someone u called and say bestfriend to my face. reason is u accept cause he didnt give up having feelings for u for 4 years? u literally make him as your rebound cause deep inside u know u cant be alone . but i shouldt have feel bitter about it cause probably thats what your coping mechanism are like. u hide your stories from me cause u aint ready telling me yet but i knew about it already. whats the point of u hiding it again from me when i sitll knew ? hiding things make it worst honestly and u never learn from your mistakes and keep making it again. u sure are not that matured enough to deal with this kind of situation. i might be over reacting but know my place of feeling shit that ive easily replaced just like that. should have listen to my head and my mom. fyi mom never like u anyway cause she can feel u aint right for me and here your actions speaks louder. so kids, trust your mom instinct and advice cause believe me its going to come true. oh everytime i had a nightmare something bad gonna happen. it did happen. twice. sucks right ? waiting for the day of your pain might come cause u knew that worst will come based on the hint given in your dream. God really love me that He show me signs. i have to let things go but its really hard for me to forgive your mistakes hiding things from me. u know them well how my past happened and u did those shit anyway. fuck u for that. anyway i saw your new picture with him and u look happy. eventho youre with him but deep inside i feel calm looking at you seeing u look happy. eventho its not me who make you feeling that way. reason why i ended the relationship/friendship we had cause i know things gonna become toxic and i cant deal with it professionally. its better we become stranger where its easier for me to forget about u and not care about your shit anymore. hope this rant helps me with what i wanna say in my heart and in my mind. this is the only safe place without people knowing my stories and judging me. the only place i can write and vent things out. fuck this is so sad. im the most happiest and happy go lucky person and people destroy me. screw u shitt. night

[iriemorning]

nicks and flicks

i've been called many names all throughout my life. the first of them was from my dad himself, the one who made my first name—irish, from the infamous soap irish spring, then they combined it to my birth month. though i mostly stuck to the former. it's only one word, simple and short. gender neutral too, since i had a boy classmate in kinder who also bore the same name.

it was also very befitting of the things i have grown to like with its connections to ireland and they're like, the green country. i never realized my silent fascination to this color brewing all over the years until the pandemic hit—when we all got stuck in the premise of our homes and that means practically saying bye to our yearly tradition of visiting the mountains. or seeing the nature in particular, except from the screens. that's when my love for green grew, in all its shades, forms and hues.

so, yes, being called irish is the pillar of my whole being. though it's also the most formal one. when i hear that, there's an invisible wall between you and me (dont take it to heart, sometimes a certain distance in between is good)

but when i get called by one of my nicks, it always tugs my heartstrings a certain way; gets me transported back to a particular point in my life in a split second...

ayit takes me back to my hometown, when i was my grandma and grandpa's first grandchild, and all my aunts and uncles were all doting on me. it felt really good, being treated as the only child and youngest in the hood. i was very small, and they all took care of sending me to kindergarten in the mornings, making me sleep in the afternoons even though i wanna watch cartoons, then my dad tying my hair to a ponytail at the evenings to meet my mom in the mall after she came home from work. the very small ayit was carried and passed on to several backs and shoulders until she could walk and climb the mountains on her own.

ayreng takes me back to my elementary and junior high school days; when my parents, siblings and i moved to another town where i met my childhood and lifelong friends. i played hard in the streets, ran fast with all my might and scratched my knees. to this day i still carry those scars with pride. it was also when i started to discover my hobbies and identity by getting into reading groups and writing scripts and news articles in the campus. she joined math and english quiz bees and journalism events and even made it to the student council miraculously. she's all over the place. (wish i have the same energy to do all that now) ayreng was also dubbed as 'miss author' by her batchmates, and after all this time i am still her biggest fan.

rish doesn't take me to a place, but it was something my closest circle have adopted to call me naturally. it sounds the most endearing of them all, and my most favorite. not only my best friends, but when some of my high school classmates approach me with this and they ask or request something of me, like inquiring about an assignment, i always soften up. how could i not melt with such a cute rishhhh in your message?

iris. oh dear. my online fangirl persona that was birthed in 2020. she's like a whole different person. so nice and cute, debuting with baby pink layouts and befriending the whole fandom. the attention was exhausting so it only took a few months before i deactivated the public account in the same year. but the closest friends i made along the way were still my mutuals in a more private account where i still fangirl accordingly, without worrying about likes and retweets and hostile reactions from the public. over the years, iris learned to be more comfortable and at peace in her digital footprint, while still having the freedom to support the idols that changed her life.

and now i'm here, with a new name that took years for me to create. it started all the way back to my ayreng days, when i was having all these ideas for different books. all famous authors have catchy names that also fit their style. so i made up potential usernames that perfectly encapsulate me not just as a writer, but as a whole being. so i went back home—to irish. it's like giving birth. from there, irie was born.

and upon further google inspection (circa September 2023):

Irie is a gender-neutral name of Jamaican origin. It derives from the Jamaican patois term meaning “cool, good, nice,” as in “Everything irie?” The word may also refer to a state of harmony and peace.

“Irie” is a Jamaican slang term that originated in the Rastafari movement. It's used to describe a feeling of peace, harmony, and positive vibes. When you're “irie,” you're feeling good, happy, and content with your life. It's a state of mind that's often associated with reggae music and Rastafarian culture.

and thats when im like, this is it. im sure of it. i finally found the name that will kickstart my writer persona. like a stage name of some sorts, but still undeniably screams like me.

good morning. irie morning.

from now on, i hope that whenever you see my name, it'll always remind you to have a good day.

[asrai-azurrcat]

tumblr lets you vent without anyone seeing so ig ill try?? but i dont rly have anything to vent just writing down.. things umm tw sh?? depression?? but not mine.

why is mental health in kids so bad- like as someone whos thirteen and has never had any issues other than the common insecurities, why are so many people my age suicidal for years?? like. i know a lot get bullied and then there's family problems, but then some people just have happy lives until the internet; and then place expectations on themselves and sh and then they start to have thoughts about dying- and they're only, what, ten? eleven? twelve? like, they're practically still children. not even teen. and as terrible as it sounds, i just cant understand, especially how theres a lot of other kids who think being depressed makes you cool and edgy and gets you attention so they start to pretend to be unhappy and then draw attention away from people who need it, and at this age you really can't tell those kind of people from the genuinely hurt ones. i made this mistake with my year 6 bsf, ill call her blossom. but like. she's basically perfect in every way: beautiful and one of the only people who don't pretend to be kind, they really are just. actually. so kind at heart. and especially now that she's moved away and then got her phone taken away, took a massive break from tiktok and her stupid fucking boyfriend and studied and now, shes even better. doing better. in year 6 especially id always find sh scars on her arm and she'd never stop, and she talked abt being depressed before but i never even believed her. i was such an asshole friend abt that. like trying to will her to 'stop pretending to be fucked up'- how can she even consider me a close friend to her now, still? i have a vivid memory of one of my friends puppy, looking at blossom closing the school scissors around her fingers and puppy saying, 'oh my god blossom, stop acting depressed', and then blossom just smiled and stopped and i as a really horrible friend internally agreed with puppy. like. im supposed to be there for her. im just so self-centred and pigheaded, and i was prancing abt the world with rose-tinted glasses, thinking. like. there's no way anyone my age can be depressed, thats bullshit! anyone doing it is doing it for attention. and i hate myself for failing blossom like that. and then when i found out her fresh scars and knew she was being real abt this, and i just tried to press her for answers, she wouldn't tell other than a vague answer that her parents always argued. and then id only find out a year later in high school after she moved away, from a fucking spotify playlist, that she didn't get along w her mom. meeting up w blossom again in this new year, and seeing her talk about a new boyfriend who isnt obese and chronically online like her ex, and studying and omitting swear words and reading classic books instead of manga. idk what i was feeling, but i just feel a bunch of regret that i didn't even help her at all when i was friends with her, closest with her, just focusing on myself and my social life and feeling sorry for myself. god i hate myself for not caring more about her.

and now in high school i meet a bunch of new people with puppy and eventually join a friend group i can stabilise on, have fun, make new friends, find shil. and shil is a mirror of blossom, like throughout the entire y7 i was just constantly thinking: oh wow, they both care a lot abt other people. they're both into genshin. they both need a therapist. they both have parents that are on the verge of divorcing. they both aren't straight (actually im not sure abt blossom's sexuality after coming out of her y6, is she still pan?) and i don't deserve either of them. shil is just. so, so friendly and nice, staying friends with me despite my terrible personality, but she has her own friends that she prefers more- two groups of them- and i dont have anyone now that cappu has left, so i always feel like im the one clinging onto her. and shil is also dealing with her stuff, like the shit that happened in her home country and then her parents aren't getting along, she's been bullied and manipulated as a child. i mean, at least she's confiding in me this time unlike blossom, so at least i know what she's going through. and she doesn't have sh scars on her arms but who knows?!! who fucking knows because arms arent the only place you can cut yourself and shil could just be hiding them. and the difference here is that blossom liked me as much as i liked her to the point we could say ily to each other (platonically, near the end of the year very few times but still it was there) and shil is.. more distant, because as much as she's opened up more to me than blossom has it's not even the tip of the mountain of things she's carrying around. and going to a top girl's school filled with smart people and asians, we're surrounded by people under pressure and as much as the teachers stress that the school counsellors are there barely anyone really goes there. but shil is, im glad she applied. she needs it. i don't want to be an asshole to her like a did to blossom. and i thought just occurred to me that, if i lose her, ill be alone in the school, so basically my thinking is just centred around me. self-pity. feeling sorry for myself. if i don't stop being this self-centred, it probably will happen.

and then again, im always judging everyone, which shouldn't be a problem until i go acting on my judgements, and then i make myself fall closer to the social rock bottom because those judgements are mistaken, and i just like to judge people by their outward appearance and personality. like what happened with blossom. i didn't even know bats was this depressed and sh'ed until i found her vent. i just assumed she liked s3x jokes, and they never bothered her. and J too. im confused about J, but J really is suicidal too, because i remember her sending a massive vent to cappu and cappu telling me abt it. and i sort of gave her a blind eye during the period last year when her social life was evidently down and mine was blooming, being an absolute fucking idiot stupid selfish asshole not talking to her enough until the end of the year when we went to the mall with patty everyday like a ritual, and she befriended lin, hitch and tee, and vali, and hy, but she still has no energy, and she looks really tired everyday and looks like she's not taking care of herself.

why are children getting depressed? why are twelve year olds and eleven year olds getting depressed? why are they unhappy with their lives, why are they getting anxiety and cutting themselves, why is the internet doing this to them? what's going to happen to our children's generation, will fucking toddlers commit suicide- i want to understand these people. i want to help them, i want to avoid being a bystander to their unhapiness when i could help and i want to never make the same mistake i did with blossom. i want to stay friends with shil. i want to make new friends, join a new friend group, other than the inner circle with puppy that talk about things i don't even know like taylor swift or boys they meet on snapchat. i want to stop being self-centred and selfish, because these days whenever i try to think about other people like this it always circles back to me

i hope no ones reading this lmao

[itdoesnotsuffice]

i dont know much about my moms childhood, but over the years, the little things shes shared with me make me want to sob. she told me her mom once locked her in a dog cage, and when she was 8, her mom had sex with her boyfriend next to her in the bed they shared. she shook it off, laughed and joked, telling me it “scarred her for life” but after she left i cried until i physically couldnt. we have had the most complicated of relationships, but the small things i find out about her life and childhood every now and then make me forgive every single hurtful thing she has ever said or done to me. my heart aches thinking about her life. imagine the horrific stuff that has happened to her that she has never told anyone. ever since i really realised how horrific of a life shes had, i see it in every single thing she does. the way she talks, the way she carries herself, the way she acts, reacts, the things she says, the things she feels. its left such a deep scar on her. i know ive made her life so much more difficult at times and i just want to bawl thinking about it. i love my mom more than life itself. i can never look at her mother the same knowing what she put MY mother through. how could she do those things, let those men hurt someone else, a CHILD, her own DAUGHTER, no less. i’m infuriated and heart broken. i want her to be happy for the rest of her life. id give up my own if it meant she would be

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

03/31 ENTRY: tuning in

Last 2 days were hell! Ive been sleeping late, waking up late, barely moved, and cried my eyeballs out. It was so fucking stressful. I cant even remember what triggered my anxiety but yesterday was definitely because of my mother. I greeted her good morning like I usually do and even told her sorry for texting her late in the morning. I told her I didnt get enough sleep that night because I was up until 2am. She then asked if I was anxious because I dont have a job right now. And I told her no. Because that is the truth. I didnt sleep we not because I dont have a job but because of someone. OH NOW I REMEMBER! I had flashbacks the first night of my sleepless nights. I remembered the good things again and just like a strike of a lightning, memories of me hurting her, cheating on her and shouting at her came and drowned me. I hate it when I get flashbacks. So, I simply told her that the reason behind my sleeplessness is also the reason why I needed to resign and take a break. She jokingly added “Just go home then” and I just needed to be honest with her so I told her “Also the reason why I wont go home”. My hometown is full of memories, dark memories to be exact. And at times, I felt like its suffocating to be there. You’ll never know who you’ll bump into. GenSan is a small town and almost all of the population there knew each other and I dont want that. Especially seeing those people who worked with my mom. I dont like seeing their faces. I hate it when they talk so nicely to me but when I turn my back, they speak bad things about me and I just kept remembering that day when someone messaged my mom and just told every secret I had. Tattoos, drinking, smoking, kissing girlfriends. That anon even knew my tattoo placements. It was creepy and that messaged spread all across all branches of ****bank. I will never forget that.

My mom asked if I could share with her the reason and I know that she wouldnt understand so I just told her “When the time is right maybe I’ll be able to tell you.”. And she literally said that if I know that it would kill her then no. And that I should wait after her death like WHAT THE FUVK?! I hate her for saying that. And the emotions I felt just rushed through my veins and I my tears started to fell down my cheeks. I suddenly couldnt breathe. The thought that my own mother wouldnt even try to understand me fucking hurts like hell that it felt like she’s sucking the air out of my lungs killing me. IT MTHERFUVKING HURTS.

But someday, I hope that I’ll be able to tell her this:

“You know what keeps hurting me ma? Because I couldnt forgive myself. I cant find the light to forgive myself for what I have done. I feel miserable. I feel guilt. If I hadnt let myself be manipulated by you then maybe I wouldnt feel this way today. Maybe if I had just listened to my heart, maybe none of these traumas will be present today. I kept breaking up with her out of the blue telling her that I need to choose my family. And it didnt happened just once, I broke up with her hundred of times. Imagine the trauma I gave to her. Until the day that I became possessive of her. I cheated so I could get her attention, I cheated couple of times and most of time, she catches me red-handed. I started shouting at her mean things that I know scarred her for life. I broke her into pieces and every time we get back together, it isnt just the same anymore until we got toxic. And it was all because of me. If I hadnt let you get into my conscience none of these wouldve happened. We had flaws but we never meant to hurt each other. Dagdagan pa ng fact na, glg relationships back then were not yet open for everyone to understand so we had a hard time adjusting just not to hurt each other’s feelings. I kept on breaking up with her then get back to her for the reason “Im choosing my family.”. I know it’s supposed to do me good but look what happened? And I just couldnt help thinking if it went the other way around maybe we’re still happy together. Maybe I didnt had these much tattoos. Maybe I never tried smoking. Maybe I never got wasted. Maybe I didnt let some strangers touch/kiss me. Maybe I wouldnt be this empty. Maybe I/we wouldve been happier. Healthier even. And if our relationship back then never worked, maybe I wouldnt be the same person that I am today. Maybe Id be different today and I wouldnt be feeling all of these things right now. I’m sad ma. I really loved her and I couldnt believe and forgive myself for hurting her. And over the years that we werent together anymore, I just know that my connection to her never vanished. I can still feel my deep connection with her. I may have forgotten about her for a period of time but every piece of her in me is buried deep inside my heart without even me realizing it. I thought if I’ll be able to tell you this, I can slowly see the light to get out f this trap-hole. I wanted my inner self to let you know what you caused me and stop gaslighting me for being gay. There are just days you make me want to kill myself. But I accepted you for who you are. I accepted the fact that you’re homophobic. Im sorry if I disappointed you but Im disappointed with you too.”.”

Im so tired y’all. All these thoughts I carried with me through the years. I hope by letting it all out here in Tumblr will make difference.

[blueprint-han]

.