#my school has therapists or something. Mental health support things. They'll know

[loxare]

Every single year at the worst fucking moment the brain weevils attack and make doing anything besides the most mind numbing activities super impossible. My brain feels itchy, and I don't think I should be physically aware of it but I am. I'd really like to be able to write all these lab reports, but doing so is like trying to walk through the 1919 Boston Molasses Flood, and I keep making two and a half steps of progress before having to pull my feet from the sludge so I can sit on a ledge to rest and also try and beat the flies buzzing around my head back with a newspaper

[desifleabag]

I know Friendship Day is coming soon, I'm reminded of those school days when friendships were as strong as fevistick, and some bonds felt as close as siblings. I recall the times when the teachers asked us to write letters to our friends to wish them Merry Christmas, and immediately, the image of that one special friend would pop into my mind, while some struggled to find that person to write about. I was one of those who found it challenging to connect deeply with others.

Growing up in school, I was known for being popular and nerdy, excelling in extracurricular activities like singing, dancing, and writing competitions. One day, as I sat in the school parking lot with other kids, waiting for our buses, something struck me deeply. A 7-year-old asked the security guard why their friends weren't there, and that question has stuck with me even as a 20-year-old adult. I often find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" during lonely nights, hiding under my blanket and shedding tears.

I want to address that 7-year-old who still resides within me:

Hey, Deepali. I heard you asked a question and never received an answer. I understand how you felt back then, because even today, I grapple with the same emotions. Now, I'm 20 years old, surrounded by people who love and support me, including you. They unknowingly heal wounds they didn't cause through letters, texts, hugs, and evening phone calls. However, my mental health has taken a hit lately due to various incidents, and I'm struggling to maintain my friendships. Canceling plans has become common as I battle to get out of bed, dealing with social anxiety. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which caused me to distance myself from friends, despite not wanting to. Presently, I'm showing symptoms of BPD (bipolar disorder), and my therapist advises me to see a psychiatrist soon.

My days start with the feeling of not wanting to face life and end with a desire to mend my friendships. This illness has taken away my friends and inner peace. It's challenging to be friends with someone who carries the burden of mental illness, as one day they might be close, but the next, they may pull away due to their struggles.

I genuinely wish to rise from my bed, attend college, laugh with my friends, dance to music, buy flowers, and do all the things I long for. However, my reality is quite the opposite. I understand it isn't easy for others to be with someone who brings along dark nights and the scary voice of loneliness. No matter how hard I try to explain, some may dismiss it as drama. All I can do is keep my distance, hoping that they'll find good friends after me.

I have friends who love me deeply, and on some days, I wonder when I'll be able to reciprocate that love. They assure me that it's a place of love, and I can always turn to them. I yearn to break free from this loneliness and pain and embrace their love, but it feels like hugging a wall. Is it the wall or is it me?

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

So, i've been wondering if i have ADHD for a while now because i relate to a LOT of the afab symptoms and behaviors. I tell myself that i have undiagnosed ADHD. I just wanted to know if there was an easy way i could maybe approach this to my parents because i don't know if they'll think i have ADHD because i have always had good grades and have been a calm kid (not that you have to be the opposite of that to have ADHD)

Also, is spinning in circles a form of stimming ;-;

I assume from your question that you are a minor. I’ll be honest if I had tried to convince my mother to have me evaluated for ADHD before I turned 18 she probably would have said

”you don’t have ADHD You’re just depressed”✨✨🥰

You know your parents best, depending on what you think their reaction would be, there are a few different ways. I’ll give my thoughts depending on parent type. Keep in mind that I am making some generalisations to make it more understandable and using three very distinct examples which may feel extreme but usually people are somewhere in between and if you don’t exactly identify with the examples it’s okay because its over simplified.

1. Safe/chill parent who listens to you

Just tell them outright. You have done a lot of thinking and research lately and you’ve come to realize you have a lot of struggles that don’t seem ”normal” (aka neurotypical) and that’s you think it might be ADHD (but make sure to express that you are open to alternatives) and would like to get an evaluation

2. ”You’re just depressed” -parent

This parent is tricker, they know you struggle with mental health, Maybe you even have a therapist or medicine but it’s not enough, but they don’t see it that way. Being direct may backfire with this parent so instead try bringing up the fact that you are still struggling and make some examples of your struggles (without bringing up ADHD) and suggest going to see a psychiatrist. Once in the Office they usually let you answer some questions and fill out forms which will probably lead to them suspecting ADHD. If you can speak with the doctor in private (which I suggest no matter your age you have a right to privacy and can always ask a parent to wait outside) then maybe you can be more forthright with them and tell them that you have researched a lot on ADHD and find that you identify with many of the struggles associated.

3. ”I’ll give you something to cry about” /unsafe - parent

This parent is not the type to listen to you, they are usually diminishing your problems or playing the victim. ”oh i’m such a bad parent boo hoo!”

In my opinion you shouldn’t waste your time with this parent unless abdolutey neccesary. Believe it or not there are a lot of ways for minors to seek help.

You can try calling a clinic yourself or googling for youth aid support in your area, you can have someone from an organisation represent you or get you in contact with the right people.

Depending on where you live going by yourself may or may not be an issue. In Sweden it’s perfectly normal for young people to go to ”ungdomsmottagningen” a sort of youth health care center centered around sexual and mental health. You can go there to see a therapist, perscribe birhcontrol or test for STDs etc.

Have a look about online what your local area has to offer. Try calling the church even, they can often be very helpful for smaller things.

If you talk to the school nurse they may be able to reccomend testing to your parents and since it didn’t come from you they may be more open to the idea

If all else fails a close friend or a teacher/adult you trust could be an option

That’s about all I can think of. Being a minor can sometimes be tricky when it comes to health care but there are many ways of going around the usual system. You don’t always have to be 18 to seek health care, so be creative. Avoid telling doctors ”I think I have ADHD” the first thing you do, instead lead with the most ”ADHD-like” struggles you have and let them come to the conclusion themselves.

Hope this was somewhat helpful. Thank you for your question, I wish you luck 🥰❤️

[lazydoodlesandfanfic]

Lmfao dont worry I got that too. If I cant see it, it's not there. 😂

Oh. Great. We love that. So helpful.. It's really frustrating to think how much more support you could have gotten. My mum works in early years SEN; shes a teacher for preschool age and SEN has always been her speciality anyway, so she is the manager of all things to do with that at her work, and it's amazing (in the worst possible way) how many parents just refuse to have their children assessed because they think it's something to be embarrassed about. It's like an actual fight my mum has to have with these parents to just sign the documents or just go to the appointment or whatever, so that the children can get the support they need and parents dont ever want it because autism and adhd isnt something they want to be associated with. They either outright make up excuses (most popular ones being about how the child is fine at home) or they say they'll do whatever it is my mum needs to get their referrals going and then they dont turn up/dont do it.

I think I was about 7 or 8 when it was first pointed out for me. My year 3 teacher told my mum she thought I might be autistic. But nothing ever came of it because my mum didnt have any clue as to any of that at that point. She didnt get into her current field of study until I was about 13. And even the therapist I saw at 12 didnt pick up on anything. So it ended up being the summer after my GCSEs that I finally got diagnosed. So the support in my GCSEs would have been amazing but I just didnt get it.

Yeah I sort of had a familiar expierience. My Year 5/6 teacher had expierience with autistic kids and my mum's boyfriend at the time had an autistic son and they both told her "Hey, that one's probably autistic, get her tested" so I got tested when I was 10, and I don't really remember the test itself, I just remember the woman coming to the house and doing a few things with me and talking with me with my mum in and out of the room, but it ended with her sitting my mum down and basically going "Alright, what support and benefits would you like?" Which is... telling.

My mum told her that if I needed help going into secondary school she'd get me it, but that never happened. I didn't know I could ask for help because I wasn't informed of my autism, and actually I did ask for help about my mental health once to her and she basically told me I was fine and nothing was wrong and I was making it up so I didn't ask for help again. Not long after I found out what autism was (thanks to Markiplier playing To The Moon and I plan to get a tattoo related to this since it played such a big role with who I am today), started doing my own research, and on at two occasions, confronted my mum about my suspicion and the test, and I asked her "What was my diagnosis" and she refused to give me a straight answer, being really wish-washy so I couldn't decipher if I was diagnosed or not. After 11 years of all this, doubting myself despite having autistic friends tell me to my face "Your definitely autistic" and feeling like I didn't fit in no matter what in school which really did a number on my mental health, she finally, in a passing comment, not even to me, acknowledged that I was on the spectrum.

It should never have come to that, or taken that long. I shouldn't have had to go through that. Not getting a child tested despite people who know what they're talking about telling you to, and/or hiding, lying and concealing their diagnosis and denying them help, is shitty parenting, and honestly, I don't think I will ever forgive my mum for putting me through that.

[lemonadebloodsworld]

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

[thelittlepalmtree]

One thing I hate about being a teacher is the like living at school effect. Like you know how kids think that their teachers live at school and it's weird to see them out in public. I think everyone has that feeling to some extent. Like a lot of times If Ever I say something that someone disagrees with they'll be like and you're a teacher? Like yeah I wouldn't be like and you're a barista. Like who the fuck are you? I'm not allowed to be shity because my job is teacher? Like even if I did say something really mean or do something really mean why does that automatically transfer to you that I am a bad teacher?

And I think this automatically transfers because people expect teachers to like fix everything that's wrong in a person's childhood. Like not only am I supposed to be the most empathetic the most perceptive the most kind person in the universe I'm also supposed to do that in my off time I guess. I like at the end of the day my job is to teach kids how to read. Not solve social ills not save them from their horrible lives. Not fix the universe not be their therapist. That's not my job. We all think that that's my job but it's not. And there's literally no other profession that we would put that on. Like if someone is a customer service rep we don't expect them to like be able to pre-screen for like depression even though there might be some cases in which you can tell that someone is depressed when you're talking to them on the phone in a customer service call.

But I think when you put all of that on teachers you take away the fact that like it's not the education systems responsibility to do anything other than teach kids. And the reason we are having to handle all these other problems is because it's way harder to teach a kid that is living in poverty. But that doesn't mean that it's our job to fix those problems we're doing it because we are trying to make our jobs easier but that doesn't mean that we are supposed to be the solution to systemic problems. Like we have got to stop thinking of certain professions as superheroes that are going to come in and save the day just because we can do that for some kids. Like almost every book I read these days on education talks about basically how we need to fix racism before we can actually teach kids. That's never going to happen.

I think instead of putting all of this on teachers we need to start actually looking at the problems and determining what the solution should be. We need to stop overburdening what few social systems we already have in place to take on and fill in all the gaps in our other systems. And instead we need to create appropriate services to fulfill the needs that our citizens have. And we need to stop acting like your English teacher is responsible for saving children from abuse or mental health problems or whatever. And instead find ways to create safe spaces for kids and provide community support for the kids that need it the most.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Urgent!!!!! My mom is coming home and idk wat to do because my family has made me hate myself so much and it's gotten worse since I came out and I've been self harming again and I'm so tired of fighting and knowing they'll never accept me and I have no one to turn to; no friends or family and I can't move out because I can't afford it. I'm just so done and I just want to end it all and I don't know wat to do anymore but to give up. They all want me gone and expect me to kill myself soon anyway.

Devon says with help from Lee:

Here is a post with suicide hotlines and mental health services. Please contact one of the resources in that post if you are going to hurt/kill yourself.

Here are some other things that could be helpful to you. Some people may not like some of these things, or have bad experiences with them, but I think they could all be worth a try.

Therapy. Try googling “LGBT friendly therapist [your town/region]” (that’s how I found my therapist– we don’t only talk about LGBT stuff, but she is part of the community and respects my gender) or “affordable therapy [your town/region].” You most likely need your parents’ consent to see a therapist, but that depends on your age and the laws where you live. Here’s a website with information about that.

You don’t have to tell your parents that you want therapy because of any trans-related thing if you think they wouldn’t accept that reason. This post has more info on finding a therapist 

Telling your parents you struggle with mental illness

How to tell someone you’re suicidal

Support groups. There are a few organizations in my state that host support groups or get-togethers for LGBT people. Meeting other LGBT people and making friends can be a big help. You might want to check out PFLAG.

Clubs. Join clubs at your school (if you’re in school). It’s nice to be around people with similar interests to you, even if they don’t respect and/or understand your gender. You can also join facebook groups about your interests, or look for meetups on websites like this or this. Public libraries also often host activities and meetups. If you don’t know what your interests are, or don’t have any strong interests, it’s good to try something new! No one will judge you if you’re new to the club/meetup or don’t know much about the subject. Everyone was new to it at some point!

Seek other professional help. It sounds like your family is abusive (whether they physically hurt you or not). It is not okay for anyone to expect you to kill yourself, and it isn’t normal for family to make you hate yourself. Research and consider contacting Childhood Protective Services, or a similar organization where you live. They could be able to help you get away from your family.

Note that this isn’t always an easy route, and your new environment may also be very stressful, so make sure you don’t make this decision lightly and without doing any research, but it is a possibility.

In most (if not all) public schools, you are able to meet with a social worker and/or counselor for free. You could talk through your situation with them. Keep in mind that they’re probably mandated reporters.

Distract yourself. Try something new! Playing video games, drawing, reading, watching documentaries, taking care of neighbors’ pets, volunteering at a local charity, knitting, and getting a job are all things that take up time that could distract you from your family/ general negative stuff in your life and make you feel better.

Work on stopping self-harming actions. When you feel like hurting yourself, try these things: Draw on your body where you want to hurt yourself, rub ice on your body where you want to hurt yourself, do the same thing you want to do to yourself to an object (if you want to cut yourself, cut paper up), do one of the above distracting activities, scream into a pillow (it sounds silly but it can really help), take a cold bath or shower, snap rubber bands on your wrist, or listen to loud music. 

Also, to prevent self harming in the first place: Unfollow blogs on tumblr that glamorize self harm, throw away any “tools” that you use to hurt yourself, hang out in public places like libraries (it’s harder to hurt yourself in public than when you’re alone), follow “recovery” blogs on tumblr, or work on a skin care routine (put energy into helping your body instead of hurting it).

Self-Injury Recovery

Reducing self-harm

Self-harm coping tips and distractions

How to Recovery from Self-Injury

Steps to self-harm recovery

Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques

Safety Plan

Self-Injury Support: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288) (www.selfinjury.com)

Minimize dysphoria. Even if dysphoria isn’t the main problem for you right now, having less gender dysphoria could help you feel better in general. Here is our dysphoria page. There are a lot of good resources for dealing with dysphoria there, and also mental health exercises that could help with dysphoria or other stuff.

Mental health things from the aforementioned dysphoria page:

Belly breathing

Awareness of unhealthy thinking styles

Distress tolerance skills

Distress tolerance activities

Panic list for distress tolerance

Improving distress

How to make a comfort box

Emotion regulation skills

Emotion regulation worksheet

Soothing grounding exercise

Physical grounding exercise

Mental grounding exercise

Grounding techniques

Problem goal framework

Mindfulness of your current emotion

Letting Go of Painful Emotions

Vicious cycle and alternatives

What will help?

Positive self-talk

Behavioral Activation

STOPP worksheet

Triggers

Coping with dissociation

Handling dissociation

10 Tips on How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation

An interactive self-care guide

7 cups of tea - an online chatting service. It’s not really meant for crisis situations, but it can used to talk about a host of issues with other individuals. It appears to be mostly geared toward mental health support and discussion.

www.dbsalliance.org - a nationally recognized organization that offers support and resources for those dealing with bipolar disorder(s) and depression.

@mentalillnessmouse (tumblr blog)

@trans-folx-fighting-eds (tumblr blog)

Download therapy worksheets / And more of them / And even more / Also some more

The Trevor Project’s Glossary of Resources

I hope some of this is helpful for you! Best of luck and please stay safe.

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

Hey...

I feel very lonely currently. I'm struggling with my mental health (for like 6 years) And now I'm getting therapy for the first time and I've stopped going to school. I'm the anon with the car crash btw. I drove a bit today and had a panic attack.

My friend asked me if I want to go shopping with her, which would require me to drive and well I said no, because I'm also still slightly in pain... She asked me if I'll come back to school and I said no. I feel very stupid now. She asked what I'm doing instead and I said therapy. She stopped answering until now. I guess I should've added trying to survive, because of my suicidal thoughts.

I have to go to the physiotherapy for a week because of my neck and stuff and I'm already not feeling good about it. First, because of my social anxiety, second because of my depression making it hard to even brush my teeth sometimes and third I'm scared of having to do it with a male. I probably have some trauma, according to my therapist, and I'm scared. I don't really consider everything that happend a big deal and I feel bad for being so afraid of males but I don't know what to do.

I told my friend that I don't want to go, not only because of the exercises, but because lf the reasons above (worded different of course). I guess she got me wrong and she said "Physiotherapy isn't that hard". I feel like none of my friends really understand me anymore since my mental health struggles are out and the only friend that really would understand barely answers my texts anymore. They're the only friends I have.

I feel like I'm becoming this toxic negative friend, who's just being lazy and talked her way out of a stressful time, just for some therapy she doesn't need.

Sometimes everything is feeling normal between us if we meet up, even if I get inmy head and start feeling lonely even when I'm with them. And then there are times like this, when I feel like they'll turn around and betrayal me, that they don't need me anymore and that I have to come to terms with that they'll probably leave me.

I've already taken a few steps back from them automatically since I also needed time for myself the past weeks. I constantly find myself thinking it's better to leave now, remember a truly beautiful friendship, than a painful break. I feel lonely, like I'm completely alone on the world. I failed. So hard.

And I can't even be there for my friends the way they need me anymore. Sometimes I wish they would just use me so I can make them happy and finally be useful before I end myself. It feels like I'm such a drama queen. Probably I am.

No one truly needs me in the end and I'm just a pain for everyone.

I just feel like giving up completely. I know I should try harder, maybe talk to them about how I feel, try staying in the present and not get lost in my maladaptive daydreams and everything else, do what has to be done still..

But I don't really see a point anymore I guess.

I've ruined my life already. I can't get back all the time I've lost, all the moments I ruined because of my depression, my anxiety, my possible trauma, my daydreams, my whatever...

And the future looks even worse.

I wish I wasn't so alone right now. I wish I didn't mess up all the time.

But I guess It's the only thing I'm good at.

I feel selfish and sometimes my own thoughts scare me. When I get annoyed at my friend for example I'm like "You shouldn't do that, that's not you. She did nothing wrong. Why are you getting annoyed?" ..

It's probably weird how that scares me more than my suicidal thoughts..

I don't know who exactly I am anymore and I don't know if I like what I'm becoming.

Probably I'm gonna text one of my friends now and tell her that I've changed my mind and will go shopping with her, because I feel really guilty right now for saying no...

I don't want to lose my friends. They're my family. For years we only had each other, because of bullying from our classmates... Maybe that was the only thing holding us together? But it held on without them...maybe it was just school and now that I'm out of school currently I'm just npt needed anymore, can't talk with them anymore...

Maybe my life is just fucked. Maybe that's all it'll ever be.

I mean how could it be something else? I'm scared of being happy or feeling okay, since I feel like the price you have to pay for it is too high... And even happiness doesn't really make up for all the abuse, pain, ect. that is going on in this world.

I hope I haven't ruined your day/night.

Thanks for letting me vent again. And thanks for the response last time.

Take care ^^

(Reaches over to hug you)

Don’t worry, anon, everyone needs to vent once in a while – and we are here for you. It’s always good to get these sorts of things out of your chest.

I totally understand why you would have a panic attack, what with all those emotions weighing you down, and why you don’t want to drive for now. And I also understand how hard dealing with depression must be, especially when you said it’s hard for you to get up sometimes, but hey, I’m sure you’ll make progress. Even if these therapy sessions are the first ones you’ve gotten, they are already helping you realize some things. It’s a long, hard, exhausting process – but I’m sure you’ll make it. I’m sure the sessions will help you. Please give yourself a chance to overcome all of these dark feelings.

Regarding your friends… It’s hard to know how to support other people in these kinds of situations. You said you’re scared of losing them, but I think that goes both ways. I’m sure they want to help you, but they aren’t exactly sure how. You don’t need to explain everything to them if you don’t feel safe doing so, but what I’m trying to get at here is that if you explain, then maybe they’ll adapt the plans they want to make with you, in a way that doesn’t require you to drive or at least don’t make you feel physical pain. I get that you’re scared of bothering them, or being a burden, or a toxic negative friend, but I can assure you that is not true. I have friends that also go through depressing times, and even though it’s sometimes hard to support them, I would never consider them a burden. My only goal is to help them. I’m sure that’s true for your friends, too.

Yes, I understand that you’d rather remember a beautiful friendship than a painful break, but I’d wager letting you feel this lonely is worse. You aren’t being a drama queen, anon. You are voicing what you feel and your struggle. Honestly, from where I stand (because I prefer to bottle everything up), sharing it like this takes guts. You acknowledge it. That’s an important step. And I’m sure you can share it with your therapist and your loved ones, too. You won’t be burdening them. You’ll be giving them the key to help you.

I really, really hope you can get out of this dark void, anon. We are here for you. I’m sorry I can’t be more help, though I really want to. Take care as well, anon. ❤️- Mod Jessa

[gointorosedale]

she mentioned her therapist though and I got so jealous. I can't believe I'm actually jealous of people in therapy these days. I used to hate therapy. I never felt like it helped. I went drunk and high more often than not, bullshitted stories together for them. I know that makes it my own fault that therapy didn't work, I knew even then that I was not being honest about the things that mattered but I don't think I can be. Richard siken has this line. we’ve all revised our histories so many times I wonder what true things will be left to say when I’m finally allowed to say them. it's been spooking through my head ever since I first read it years ago. I'm not a pathological liar exactly but I don't think I can be truthful about the things that matter. I physically don't know how and I think it's because I don't know what the truth is. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how feeling good feels, or depressed. I don't know if I had a bad past. I don't trust my own memory and I remember nothing much anyway. I identified as bad kid, as problem child. disruptive brown girl with bad grades who skips classes to smoke weed behind the school. actually I was just feeding the ducks to calm myself down, I only skipped classes because I don't like crying in public. once I asked my maths teacher, who like the rest of the school knew I was the crazy one, if I could be excused. if I could work in the hallway because I was feeling bad. she said no and instead I walked out of the classroom and spent four hours crying in the girls bathroom as I tore open my wrists with the buckles of my shoes. I had to pick up my backpack in the empty classroom hours later, it felt like a perverse walk of shame. I'm only saying this because I know that being honest doesn't work. even when I could, when I tried as a very young child it didn't work. no one actually wants to hear it, not the way I tell it, and those that do listen read something else into it entirely but they'll refuse to tell. when I was 13 and having one of my many intakes at the psychiatrists office she went through the list by rote. I remember her saying you've probably never experienced anything traumatic or bad right. the question that was hardly a question gave me pause, I don't think I would have said anything other than no even if she'd framed it as an honest question but I do wonder if they'd have treated me differently if I'd have said yes, the way my parents are raising me feels pretty bad. because it did always feel pretty bad, I knew that even then. but I also knew no one wanted to hear that. I got sent to the psychiatrist by child protection services, because of our dysfunctional household. for as long as I have been in mental health care it's said in my file severe dysfunction within primary support group, aka my parents. they were sent to two therapists who they saw twice and after that the only one being treated was me. what I mean to say with all of this is I want a therapist but I don't see the point. I take my meds. I'm not dead yet. maybe that's just the most I can get out of life

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

The past month I came out to my parents as a trans boy, and since they didn't accept me I want to talk about this again with them but I'm scared they'll say "It's just a phase" again (since I'm 13) or be angrier with me for talking about this subject, but at the same time I'm getting more frustated each time they talk to me with my birthname and she/her pronouns, I don't really know what to do at this point...

Lee says:

I’m sorry they didn’t accept you. That must feel really awful. I think you’ve brave for going to try to talk to them again! It’s possible they’ll say it’s just a phase, but you know that isn’t true, so even if they say it, try to remember that you know yourself better than anyone else because they aren’t in your head, so they aren’t more knowledgeable about how you’re feeling than you are. You could also try writing them a letter about how you feel and seeing if that helps as well.

You can try to ask that they use your chosen name and pronouns, and remind them that even if it’s a phase, which is unlikely, it’s not like them calling you by a different name could hurt you in any way. You aren’t looking to legally change it yet, so in the worst case scenario where it’s a phase, no permanent damage has been done, and they have made you feel better and happier while the phase was happening, and you can always switch back to the old name and pronouns. If they do it just to humor you, hey, at least they’re doing it!

The best advice I have is communication. If you express how you feel to them, and how dysphoria makes you feel, and that you’ve felt you’re trans for so long, etc, you can at least know you’ve done everything you can to try to tell them that transitioning is the best choice for you and you’ll be able to manage it with their help and support. It can be hard to talk to someone who isn’t supportive of your identity, but the only way to win them over is a lot of open and heartfelt conversations that are tough to have.

Their initial reaction may not be their permanent feelings on this. From your point of view, you just told them something that you’ve known for a while, something you always were, something that you probably had to grapple to come to terms with at some point before it became a part of your self-perception. From their perception, something they always thought was true has changed. All this time they’ve seen you as one thing, and now you’re saying that you never were that thing. It’s a big shift to take in, and a lot of the time parents aren’t prepared for it and they don’t know how to react so they try to deny that it’s real. But over time, they can grow to accept you, even if they didn’t initially.

My parents started out being unaccepting. They said some awful things to me then, but three years later they’re willing to pay for my top surgery. People can grow, and they might change their mind. But it’ll take time. It might take months, even a year or longer until they’re fully on board. In that time, you need to take care of yourself. Their rejection hurts, but it isn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have to feel bad just because they don’t understand you yet. Make sure you take some space when you need it, talk to people who will support you, and do things to make you feel better. Check out our Self-care info on our Mental health page!

Getting a therapist can be useful in helping persuade your parents to let your transition, if they’re trans-friendly and on your side. You don’t have to tell your parents that you want therapy because of any trans-related thing if you think they wouldn’t accept that reason. This post has more info on finding a therapist. You most likely need your parents’ consent to see a therapist, but that depends on your age and the laws where you live. Here’s a website with information about that. Your therapist can have family sessions where they talk with you and your parents and try to work something out, and they can write you a letter in support of you getting testosterone when you turn 18.

Make sure you take care of yourself! Take some space when you need it, talk to people who will support you whether it’s online or IRL and do things to make you feel better. You could try writing your parents a letter about how you feel and seeing if that helps you express your thoughts, then rip it up because it’s just about getting the emotion out. Trying to spend as much time out of the house as possible might also help, so go to after-school clubs and take the late bus home, do your homework at your local library, go to the park and go on walks, go to your friend’s house, to Starbucks and Barnes and Nobles, etc. When you can’t leave the house, go to your room and listen to music while you do things and so forth. 

If you want to come out to other people, it’s your choice! If you think coming out to more family might put you in danger with your parents, then make sure you come out to people you can trust to keep your identity on the down low. Coming out to friends can be really helpful when your family doesn’t support you. While you’re trying to minimize the amount of time you’re spending with your family, also try to maximize the contact you have with people who support you. Whether that’s IRL friends, online friends, fellow GSA members from the lgbt club at school, supportive extended-family members, etc, try to talk to people who accept you for who you are.

And- education, education, education. Send them links and resources!

What if someone is not supportive after I come out?

Help, someone wasn’t supportive/won’t call my by my name/pronouns

How to deal with parents that are not accepting

Some people may want to look at the abuse post as well

Problem solving packet

Parents who won’t use name/pronouns

Interpersonal relationships

Transgender Advice: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Ally Moms

Send them our ally resources page or our for parents page

A Letter to Parents Who Don’t Accept Their Gay and Transgender Children

Rejected by your parents? You are not alone. (Leelah Alcorn suicide mention)

How to help someone who forgets your pronouns

Dysphoria page

Mental health page