#my therapist likes me a lot and said I'm really fun to talk to so I guess this is the adult equivalent of being a pleasure to have in class.

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[neverendingford]

.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Changing mindsets, from a Real Anti Endo™️

The Release of the (Pro/Endo) Golden Goose

I hope everyone from all sides will give this important, heartfelt post a read.

It's likely something you'll want to be aware of if you have a vested interest in syscourse and the validity of endogenic systems. Please give this a chance.

It's been almost three years since I started my blogs. Wow. I've been on tumblr a hell of a lot longer, but I really wasn't involved in the system community. I started out firm and loud. I probably inadvertently fakeclaimed (I went into this with the rule that I would NOT directly tell anyone they were faking, it was a boundary that I knew would ruin me socially if I crossed it, but I'm sure I probably did without meaning to), I name called and made fun of people and things. I was disrespectful to people. I invaded tags to get my message out there, though I was quick to stop once I realized I was making the tags unusable for the community I claimed to want to protect.

I learned very quickly what was appropriate and what wasn't, what I could get away with and what I couldn't. It started to become a numbers game, influenced by the risk of the post.

I made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies, and I amassed a following of over 2k. More people have come and gone from my little community than I ever thought possible. People made fanart of me, and I cherish those so deeply. I have over 300 asks because I struggle to delete the ones thanking me.

And the more I was thanked, the nicer I got, the more thanks, the nicer I got, rinse and repeat until I had trouble NOT empathizing with pro/endos. The more I was willing to listen, the more legitimate sources I came across that disproved my original ideas about consciousness. The people sharing the sources were more respectful than I thought they'd be. Things were starting to look a bit cloudy.

I talked to my colleagues about how they, as therapists, would handle some of these endos in their practice, and while their belief in the concept varied, kindness and attempts to understand was the consistent answer. When had I lost that kindness and understanding that had driven me to that field to begin with?

Colleagues, yes. For those who don't know, I have a degree in social services and counselling (plus three other degrees). It's why the current situation with the antis turning on me is so funny. I still can't get into the mindset of some of these new anti endos, I just can't imagine justifying that level of cruelty. I had lines that I wouldn't cross, and I didn't think people could be worse than me.

... That might have been a trauma thing, looking back on it.

So I got desperate.

I spoke to the actual doctors who wrote some of these papers all of us are quoting. Everyone was arguing the meaning of the words, so I went directly to the source.

Dr Colin Ross, who wrote about endogenous multiplicity in the 80s. I told him everything-- about plurals, non-traumagenic systems, syscourse, what was being debated, how I and others interpreted his words, and what I wanted to learn.

Was plurality only trauma based?

And back and forth and back and forth we went, with me asking over and over again in different ways, NEEDING to hear that it was.

But I never got that answer. He meant what he meant. He said what he said and he meant it.

That plurality was not only found in the aftermath of trauma.

And I said nothing to anyone because I couldn't reconcile it.

Don't try to read between the lines, I assure you, there isn't some hidden meaning to be found there. I can't share all of the messages because some contained personal information, but my final response will tell you all you need to know.

(It did NOT, in fact, make sense, and it took me three years to "rethink my paper" that endogenic plurality wasn't possible, I did not win that conversation, it was a dying stance that was not supported)

I've been accused of paying too much attention to my follower count, but I can't really help it. It's really scary when you make a post and see a sizeable drop. It means a lot of different things. My posts have less reach and support. I've upset people. I've done something wrong. My community is leaving me.

I'm in a weird spot, where I'm blocked by so much of the pro/endo community that I have nothing to join, and the anti endo community, who I still wholeheartedly support, continues to leave me for -checks smudged writing on hand- being too nice??

Misinformation about DID is a massive problem, and it's why I still consider myself anti endo and support that community. I relate to them in such a way that I'll always gravitate to and empathize with them.

Or at least, that's what I thought.

At this point, though, how can I not be pro/endo when Colin fucking Ross says it's possible?

I've already written about how I'm really struggling with these labels, and I love the people that have stuck around while I struggle to figure this out.

I hurt when I see the people that once supported me leave.

My (online) world is shrinking. Literally.

That's scary.

When you've watched so many turn away, you start to wonder, with every post, where is the line where the rest are going to leave? Is it this post?

I just want to be me, us, we want to laugh at the stupid crap people say, system or not, I want to talk about my disorder, I want to combat misinformation, I want to have productive, fun conversations about ideas and concepts with people who disagree and have different interpretations. I want to play devil's advocate and get people thinking. I want to be able to comment positivity and kindness on any post I see, I want to feel comfortable talking to more people about their ideas. I sympathize with anti endos, I relate to CDD systems, I still firmly believe that CDDs and plurality are different, unrelated concepts.

My priority will always and forever be the CDD community first and foremost.

However, I am a hypocrite. I have gone straight to the horse's mouth and failed. I've seen so much research that I finally get it. I'm grappling with holding on to this conversation with Dr Ross, wondering what harm I could have prevented if I'd gone public with these emails earlier.

Since when has being open to change been a bad thing?

Since when has showing respect to lived experiences been a bad thing?

What am I? What label describes this?

How do I go forward from here?

What are you going to do with this information?

I promise you, hate isn't the way forward.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I wanted to ask if you feel lately like you've been getting anything positive out of your therapy, because a lot of your initial thoughts about it kind of mirror mine. I'm very logical (except when I'm upset at myself) and very skeptical, so I feel like a therapist either isn't going to tell me anything new, or that I'm going to just disregard it because I can't trick myself into believing things that I just plain don't believe.

But I'm also starting to come to a realization, two years after my ADHD diagnosis and letting go (without therapy!) of most of the executive dysfunction-fueled self worth issues I was having, that I'm kind of Not Okay in other ways. I'm safe —going to work every day and doing my job so I won't lose my livelihood and have never had a self harm urge in my life— But I'm not really okay. I'm having major self esteem issues related to my personality separate from the executive dysfunction that are putting me in a bad place. I don't want to take antidepressants for reasons I won't go into but that means my other option is therapy and... I don't know if I'm a person that therapy will actually work on. I found a lot of validation in some of your perspectives, about affirmations being bullshit and "mindfulness" exercises feeling impossible and useless, about not having an inner monologue and how that might be causing issues with traditional methods. So I was just wondering, do you feel like therapy is working now that you've been in it longer?

I've wasted a lot of money on "elective" (and ultimately useless, back to square one) medical nonsense this year and I'm not eager to waste more, but I've also met my insurance deductible so it's the best time to try it if I'm going to.

I mean, it depends on the modality a little but I don't think trying basic talk therapy can hurt, as long as you find a decent therapist. And it's better to try it now when you're feeling Mostly Okay than waiting until you are Really Not Okay. But this entire paragraph comes with a lot of context so....

A lot of what I talked about in terms of struggling with mindfulness, etc. was less related to the therapy I am still in than it was to the DBT class I took at Therapist's suggestion. We were both aware that she was basically throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck, and while it was an interesting class I don't think for me it was helpful. As you mention, I struggled with affirmations and visualization since neurologically I'm not really set up for those; I don't think they're objectively bullshit but I do think there's an assumption within the mental health industry that they will have function for everyone and that's simply untrue, and the expectation that it will is very damaging. I also struggled with the physical-intervention aspects (called TIPP usually) which didn't work at all for me and felt frankly like doctor-approved self harm. DBT can get very culty, which set off a ton of red flags for me -- possibly false flags, but they still waved real big.

And that's because I also have a lot of trust issues surrounding therapy. To the point where, the minute one of the people running the DBT class made actually quite gentle fun of me for asking a question he couldn't answer, I checked out on anything he said. We were learning about a DBT concept called Wise Mind and I asked, "If wise mind is an identifiable mental state, how do we know if we're in it?" and when he couldn't quite answer beyond "It's different for everyone" I said, "But if we know it's real there must be some kind of common denominator, a measurable data point," and he said "Well, Sam, you're not going to levitate" and the rest of the class laughed. Sorry bud, this is almost certainly an over-reaction, but I'm me and you lost me when you came at me instead of just admitting you didn't know. (Also it turns out I just live in Wise Mind like 80% of the time which is one reason I couldn't tell.)

But basic talk therapy outside of DBT is just...you talk at someone about your problems and come up with ways to try and solve them, which is a lot more straightforward and way less frustrating. You have to be an active participant, you have to both have a goal and be willing to discuss reaching it, but that goal can be as simple as just "figure out what my mental health goals should be" at first. You don't have to learn like, vocabulary for it.

The thing is, while I have seen some improvement in regulation issues, I also struggle with basic talk therapy. Most people, and this blew my mind, see measurable improvement in nine to eighteen therapy sessions. A lot of people don't go long-term, they just are having a moment and get help getting through the moment and then can disengage, with their therapist's approval.

I was in therapy consistently from the age of nine to eighteen and only stopped because I reached legal majority and physically refused to go.

Not one minute of those nine years did I want to be there. And, because none of the three therapists I saw across those years actually explained to me why I was there or how therapy worked, for me it felt like "Your punishment for having feelings is to speedrun every feeling you had this week in an hour, to a stranger." There was also what my current therapist believes to be some extremely unethical behavior going on, which didn't help.

So it has taken actually a lot of time to get to a place where I would even allow her to understand what help I need. I've been in therapy for about a year (generally weekly but there have been some gaps) and it has only recently gotten deeper than very basic interpersonal problem-solving.

Like, two weeks ago I told her, "I had a thought this week that I couldn't tell you about something I was doing because then you'd have material on me" (meaning blackmail material) "and that's a fucked-up thing to think." And once I'd actually identified it as fucked up I had zero issue telling her about it, wasn't even nervous as I did so. Who's she going to tell? She's literally legally constrained from telling.

I think well over half of what she does is either validate that whatever emotion I'm having is normal, affirm my reactions so I don't keep believing I behaved weirdly, or praise something I've done that was a positive act. Does this work? Not always, because I'm unfortunately very aware that it's part of her job to do those things. But yeah, sometimes. Even if you don't fully believe it, "Hey that was a really smart move" is nice to hear. Sometimes she helps me come up with a plan for stressful future events or (rarely) behavior modification, and sometimes she either provides me with research or points me towards research I can do on my own. We don't do meditation or affirmations or stuff like that.

Like, last week I brought up the fact that I hadn't really ever thought about how if I have a disability that causes emotional dysregulation and I got it from my parents, they also likely had undiagnosed emotional dysregulation when raising me. So she said I should look into research on children with emotionally dysregulated parents. I was pretty annoyed by what I found (the ONE TIME adults are the focus instead of the kids is the ONE TIME I needed to learn about the kids, really?) but it led to something that was both informative and upsetting, so we discussed that. And when I was stumped about how to move forward with the information, she suggested that my general coping mechanism of writing about it was probably a good plan.

(At which point I just silently advanced my powerpoint presentation to the next slide, where I had a series of quotes from the Shivadh novels where Michaelis, acting as a parent, repeatedly does the exact opposite of the upsetting thing, because I realized even before the meeting that it's an ongoing theme in my work whenever I deal with people being parents. It's a good thing she has a sense of humor and also that I do.)

So yeah. Going into therapy you have to be ready to reject a therapist if you don't like them or if they get weird and pushy, you have to be ready to be a self-advocate, but you are the client; it shouldn't be super difficult to find someone who can at least walk you through what you want from it and agree not to do the stuff you don't want, and if you want to stop going you just...stop going.

Good luck, in any case! I hope you get what you need, whether or not that ends up being therapy.

[aesthetic-gamersnail]

What happened in the first family counseling session of the brothers (it contains a spoiler from Trolls 3 since it is based on the movie, so be warned)

Edit: Originates from the meme I made to this topic. Enjoy :)

Therapist: So, at the beginning I always like to begin with the question: why are you here?

The brothers are sitting on a couch in a nicely dimmed room which has green paint on the walls. The therapist sits across them in his armchair, between him and them a coffee table with a vase of fresh flowers, a cup full of pencils, a neat stack of papers and - what immediately catches Clay's eyes - a burning scented candle. (The order in which the brothers sit on the couch from left to right: Branch, Clay, Spruce, Floyd, John)

All: ...

John: Honestly, I think there is no reason for why we are here.

Bruce: And I think, that you are probably one of the main reasons why we are here. And you probably need it the most.

John: I'm sorry, but I think the real reason we are here is because our little brother's lady forced him to do it.

Branch: WHAT? *he whipped his head around* She didn't force me to do it, she recommended it to me and I took her advice because you know what? I actually CARE about our family and I think we could do a lot better.

John: Do you want to say that I don't care about this family?

Floyd: Guys, guys, please, calm down.

Branch: Geez, John, I don't know, did not really get the vibes when you said we would go our separate ways after we saved Floyd.

John: Are you still bent down on this? Look, I'm sorry that I said that but things are different now, right? We are together now, so why are still hung up on the past?

Branch: Just because something is in the past doesn't mean it doesn't have any effect on me anymore. And besides, it has been, what, two weeks ago? I wouldn't call it the past yet.

John: Potato, tomato. See, this is your problem: you take things way out of proportions and let your emotions control you.

Bruce: Well, at least he shows his emotions and talks about them, in contrast to someone else.

John: Excuse me?

Bruce: You heard me.

Clay, interrupting their talk since he also was not listening to them, asks the therapist: Is the candle not a fire hazard? Is this even allowed in such an establishment?

Floyd: Guys, please, calm down. We haven't even properly started and we are already fighting with each other. Let's all breathe for just a moment and then resume to talk.

...Silence for a few moments ...

Therapist:....So I see, there is a lot of pent up aggression going on he-

John: NOPE, no! You know what? It has been fun and all but I honestly don't want to be here anymore. So, I'll be taking my leave.

Floyd: John, plea-

John: Floyd, I'm sorry, but I really can't do it. I already know how this whole thing is going to go, therefore, why should I even stick around?

Bruce: Wait, what do you mean by tha-

Branch: Oh, because you know everything, don't you?

John slowly getting irritated with this situation, suddenly stands up and says: Listen he- *THUMP* *CRASH*

But he is interrupted by the sound of the coffee table falling to the ground. He stood up too fast and took the coffee table in his momentum with him, which made it rock back and forth, till it finally hit the ground facing the brothers. But with the coffee table, also the vase and the scented candle came to the ground. The vase bursts into many splinters which fly into the air in various directions. One splinter shoots into John's foot.

At the sight of the first drop of blood coming from his foot, John says: Oh my god, hahaha, look at that..

And passes out.

Floyd: OH MY GOD, JOHN, ARE YOU OK?

Bruce: Ohhhhhh, I remember now. He was always afraid of blood, ever since he was a kid. Did not think, it still bothered him.

Floyd: Didn't he live in the wilderness for 20 years? How did he survive?

Branch: oh my god, OH MY GOD!

Branch rolled off screaming from the couch.

While Bruce and Floyd were busy with John, the scented candle rolled it's way to the couch and ignited it.

Clay: AHA, I KNEW IT. *Clay laughs* I knew it would be a fire hazard. You have some explaining to do, mister. *he pointed his finger at the therapist, smiling*

His smile drops.

Clay:...Oh shit.

Branch: HOW DO WE PUT OUT THE FIRE? WHAT IS EVEN HERE TO PUT OUT A FIRE? *running around frantic, looking for something that would help against the fire*

Floyd: Ok, so we have an unconscious body and a fire going on. Just, d-don't FREAK out, Bruce, and stay calm!

Bruce:...I am calm.

Floyd: I SAID STAY CALM!

Clay:...Is not the first step to dealing with building fires 'Inform people in the immediate area to evacuate'? Well, *turns to the therapist* I think you should be the one to leave and warn people, AND also call 911, as we have a *stares at the unconscious John, the anxious Floyd, the confused Bruce and the frantic Branch running around* situation going on.

The therapist, staring at this whole situation in horror:...I honestly don't get paid enough for this. *flees the scene*

[matryosika]

Pairing: Changbin x Reader

Wordcount: 12,944 words.

Includes: Fem!Reader, babysitter!Changbin, MILF!Reader. Age gap between characters (male character is said to be 24, whilst reader's age is not explicited but there's an 11 years gap between the two). It's kind of an important topic throughout the plot, but it's not the main topic. Alcohol consumption. Smut warnings under the cut.

Author's Note: Finally, I finished this Changbin fic I've been work for an embarrassing amount of time. I had fun writing this, but right in the middle I kind of started questioning my existence and I started feeling conflicted about how I was portraying everything. I'm not sure if I'm satisfied, but I had a good time so I guess that's what counts. I know for a fact that there are a couple of grammar mistakes and misspelled words. I promise I'll fix them all soon. In the mean time, enjoy! Also, as usual, please remember that english is not my first language.

If you wish to support my work further, you can leave a reblog/ask/ comment. I also have a ko-fi, in case you want to (and are able to) leave me a tip. As a broke, college student I will highly appreciate it (the job hunting it's definitely not going anywhere, anytime soon. I'm doing my best though!). As I'm based in México, even a dollar helps me tons.

Smut warnings: Perv!Changbin, panty sniffing, jerking off to the smell of used underwear. Non-consensual recording in the beginning (but not really, you'll find out why). Dirty talk, mentions of masturbation (f. and m.), oral sex (f. and m. receiving), mentions of spit/drool, brief pussy slapping, overstimulation, impregnation fantasies (but it's not explicit between the characters), very mild humiliation/fantasies regarding humiliation, consensual recording of sexual activities, unprotected sex, creampie. Changbin talks lot about reader's ex-husband during the smut part so bear with him, it's his ego talking.

“You saw what?!”

Myeong’s high-pitched voice attracts a couple of stares from other people at the café, and you sulk into your spot at the sofa. If there's one person you trust in this world, whole-heartedly, it's her —your friend is good at keeping secrets, but she is not that great at being discreet.

Even so, she is the only one you can talk to about this. You didn't even tell your therapist yet, afraid you might get confronted in a not-so-friendly manner.

“Keep your voice down,” you insist, kicking her leg with your feet underneath the table. The short haired hisses and curses under her breath, but she doesn’t complain. Part of her feels like she earned it by being so loud. “And don’t make me repeat it again”.

“He did not,” Myeong’s eyes embody true shock as she stares right into you, her lips slightly parted while there's a blank expression all over her face. It starts regaining its true colors once her eyebrows quirk, and the corners of her lips turn into a hysterical smirk. “He did not!”

“Yes, he did,” you sigh, brushing a couple of strands away from your face before guiding the white, coffee mug to your lips, “And it’s all video-”.

“Shut up,” Myeong’s hand flies to her mouth and she covers it, repressing any urges to scream or laugh out loud. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“I’m not,” you shrug your shoulders, “and it wasn’t just one video I found”.

 Myeong smacks her palm against her thigh, offering you a warm but teasingly smirk, “this might be the greatest day, ever”.

“This is not okay, Myeong,” there’s a lump in your throat that doesn’t go away, not even with all the sips you’ve taken from your coffee as of right now. The words are caught up in your throat, and you're afraid you might spill them if your friend spins the conversation to the wrong direction.

“How is this not okay?” The amusement in her eyes tells you that she is definitely watching the issue from another perspective. A perspective you know well, but that you no longer share, “he is clearly into you, I bet if you ask him to sleep with you he would do it right away, without thinking it twice”.

“He is a college student,” you emphasize, “and he is barely 24”. 

“So?” Myeong cocks an eyebrow. “It’s not illegal, is it?”

You roll your eyes.

“No, it is not illegal,” your friend smiles proudly when you prove her right, but her smile fades away as you start talking, “but it feels wrong”.

“You’re so boring sometimes, you know,” your friend snorts, taking a sip from her green tea. “When was the last time you got laid?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, actually it does,” the conversation is slowly spinning towards you, and you don’t like it. At the same time, you can’t help but answer every question Myeong has, hoping to get some clarity out of the dilemmas she is putting you through. “If you can look into my eyes and promise that your sexual life is satisfactory enough right now, I will let this go”.

Had you been a hell of a liar, you would've done just that —stare into her eyes and blatantly lie. But is it more embarrassing to lie about having a great sexual life and get caught, or admitting it has been practically non-existent ever since your divorce?

Your silence and crestfallen gaze speaks for themselves, and that sparks curiosity in Myeong.

“Because you do… have an active sexual life, right?” A group of older women passes by your table and stares judgingly, which prompts you to shush your friend. Her blank expressions turns into amusement again, and she pokes her tongue through her cheek. “Oh, my God!”

“Look, I don’t need it, okay?” You're not a good liar, but the frustration and the rising heat on your cheeks prompts you to talk without thinking. “I don’t fuck these days and I totally don’t care”.

“What a day!” Myeong scoffs with mirth, “and it is barely nine in the morning”. 

You pick at the hems of your blazer and don’t dare to look at her, at least not until she regains her composure.

“Oh my God,” she sighs again, taking a sip from her tea. “No, I see it, you definitely look like you haven't had sex in ages”.

“My sexual life is not up for discussion today,” you cut her short, rising your hand to catch the attention of a waiter not that far from your table, wanting to get another coffee refill. “But I really need to figure out what to do with the other thing I just told you about”.

“You’re such a prude,” your friend chuckles softly, “you can’t even say his name or address the situation as it happened —you caught him jerking off with your underw-”

“Don’t,” you stop her, glaring at the waiter that's just approaching you. He gets to your table and offers you both a bright smile, before asking if you need anything else. You hand him your coffee mug and ask for another refill, to which he nods compliantly.

You wish you could have elongated the time of his presence near you, to save you from Myeong's accusatory interventions, but there was little you could do when another table called him. After, the mischevious smile in your friend’s lips appeared again.

“So you caught Changbin jerking him in your bedroom, rubbing himself with a pair of your used panties,” you nod quietly, biting the insides of your cheek. There's something crude about the way she puts it, but that's exactly what happened. “What are you going to do about it? Fire him?”

“Yeah,” you agree, and furrow your eyebrows when Myeong shakes her head in disapproval. “Isn’t that the obvious thing to do in this situation?”

“You said he was great, though”.

“He is great at babysitting,” you let out a frustrated sigh, brushing your hair away from your face, “he is so accessible, and Jihun adores him”.

“And you’re still going to fire him?” Myeong asks with a look of disbelief.

“Isn’t that what I am supposed to do?”  The sudden raise of your voice attracts a couple of stares, to which Myeong responds with a friendly smile. You quickly mutter a quick sorry to your table neighbors and other passerbys, and lower the volume of your voice. “The idea of not firing him just doesn't make any sense”.

“Alright, let’s say you fire him,” Myeong takes a deep sigh and leans back against his seat, “do you already have someone in mind for the job?”

You chew on your bottom lip as you shake your head.

“If you’re going to fire him, you better start there,” your friend rightfully points out. “Once you have a new babysitter, then you can fire him. If not, you’re at risk of being left empty-handed”.

“Yeah, but-” you hesitate. The idea of having to look for someone else to take care of Jihun it’s incredibly overwhelming. What if you can’t find someone like Changbin all over again? What if you end up stuck with a shitty, irresponsible babysitter that Jihun might not even get along with? “God, I just don’t want to fire him”.

“Then don’t!”

“But-”

“Jesus, you’re so complicated,” Myeong huffed, taking one last sip of her tea cup before putting it to the side. “What is so wrong about him jerking off in your room? That he did it with your dirty underwear?”.

You keep quiet for a second, which your friend takes advantage of to continue ranting.

“I mean, that’s a little bit nasty, but is it weird of me to say that it’s kind of hot too?”

“It’s a perverted behavior,” you murmur under your breath, but Myeong picks it on very clearly.

“It turned you on and you know it,” she scoffs. “We have going at this for over an hour, and not once I’ve sense any kind of disgust from you when you talk about it. You’re scared, and awkward, and probably confused, but disgusted? I just don’t see it, no matter how hard you try to portray just that”.

Damned be Myeong, who knows you a bit too well for your own liking.

“What were you thinking when you saw those videos?” the short-haired asks you, stretching her arms and placing both palms on top of the table. “Or better yet, what did you feel?”.

She doesn’t know, you tell yourself, but the heat rising up to your cheeks and the sudden throb between your legs betrays you. Myeong might not know what you thought or felt, but you do —no matter how much you try to repress or deny it, the ghost of your hand trailing from your tummy to your aching core is still there.

“Nothing,” you reply, not daring to share the truth.

“Nothing?” Myeong challenges you, “you mean to tell me that it didn’t spark anything inside you?”

It sparked everything inside you, but you couldn’t get yourself to admit it. The whole situation makes you feel silly, and you can't understand why.

“Alright,” she exhales, scratching her head. “I’m going to be pretty straight forward with you”.

Myeong isn't known for her tact, so you're preparing in advance for whatever it is that she has to say. Whether you want her blunt honesty or not, it is perhaps what you need to get yourself out of this dilemma, “shoot”.

“We’ve been friends for what? 18 years?” you simply nod, unsure where this is going to take her. “We went to college together, we finished our majors and graduated on time. I was there on your wedding day, and the day Jihun was born. I was also there the day you decided to get a divorce”.

“Thank you for the quick trip to memory lane,” you joke.

“What I’m saying is that we have known each other for years, I obviously can tell when you’re lying,” she cocks her eyebrows and gives you an accusatory look, but continues on with her speech. “I also can tell how much you’ve changed since that useless marriage of you, and I hate it. You’re far from being the confident woman I once knew”.

“What does that has any to do with the Changbin situation?” A nervous smile peeks through the corners of your lips.

“Please,” she spits, “it has everything to do with it”.

She keeps quiet for a second and stares at you long enough before continuing, almost as if she's trying to get answers from you telepathically. Not that she needs them.

“What are you so scared of?” Myeong queries. Whether she asked it as a rhetorical question or not, you do have an answer of your own. A bunch, actually. “Why did you stop being a woman, and got stuck with the role of a divorced, single mother?”

You know it wasn't her intention, but the stinging feeling of your tears pricking in the corner of your eyes tells you that she has hit a weak spot. Something you weren't expecting to talk about on a Thursday morning during breakfast at a fucking café downtown.

“I know you like him, Changbin,” the way she stitched those words together makes you feel eerie, but the statement is not far from the truth —you don't picture a long life together, and you don't necessarily want anything serious, but you still like him. You're attracted to him, and you've known that for a while now. “It’s really obvious”.

“How come?” The question is stupid, but you really ought to know why.

“I’m your best friend,” she smiles triumphantly, “I just know”.

Your cup of coffee it’s getting empty, and there’s only a couple of minutes before 10. You invited Myeong to grab some breakfast in hopes of finding a solution to your conflict, yet a ton of more questions were awakened.

You can’t tell if that is a good thing or a bad one.

“It’s obvious he feels attracted to you too,” Myeong tells you, getting you out of your own thoughts. “Perhaps it wasn't the best way to find out, but you can clearly tell he has a thing for you”.

“So?”

“So,” she exhales, grabbing her purse from the side of the table. “Do with that information as you please. Jesus, woman, I can’t solve every single one of your mind riddles for you!”

“You’re saying I should tell him?” you rush to ask before she stands up. “You know, about the videos”.

“I’m saying: do whatever the fuck you want for once,” Myeong smiles. “If you want to get fucked by him, go ahead. If you don’t, then you don’t and that’s it”.

“You’re not helping me,” you huff, crossing your arms against your chest while leaning back.

“No one will be able to help you if you don’t let them,” with a tilt of her head, and her lips pressed together in a straight line, Myeong chooses her next words carefully. “What happened with Kyungho doesn't have to keep on taking tolls in your life, especially in your womanhood”.

She extends her arm on the table and looks out for your hand, holding it carefully while giving you a reassurance gaze.

“It’s difficult,” you exhale, fixing your eyes in the way she rubs your hand with her thumb.

“I know,” the short-haired nods. “But you too deserve to have fun, to meet people and feel desired. It is not wrong, you know?”

After your divorce, picturing you with someone became impossible. At first, and for obvious reasons, you didn't feel like putting yourself out there. You had way too much on your plate at the time to even consider dating, and the idea never really crossed your mind. Your work and Jihun occupied most of the space in your mind and concerns, and there was very little room for you and your needs.

As you got a hang of everything, you started to realize the pitch feeling of dissatisfaction inside your chest —there was something you were missing, and you couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what it was.

Love, with Jihun and your loved ones you had plenty. Money, just enough to live a pretty decent life.

But sex? There was nothing there to tell.

“I’ve got to get going,” Myeong murmurs, squeezing your hand one last time before sliding her chair backwards, “don’t get into your head too much, alright?”

“I can’t promise you that,” you tell her, standing up from the sofa while grabbing your purse while giving her an unapologetic smile. 

The rest of the day you’re spending it thinking about your conversation with Myeong earlier, and the videotapes you found the night before. Most of the things she said are lingering in your head, presenting itself one after the other, like a hook of an essay meant to capture your attention and lure you into all that reading the rest.

She gives you a soft pat on your head and returns the smile, her warmth giving you some sense of comfort, “just try”.

You don’t want to read the rest of your own thoughts. You don't want to acknowledge them, nor deal with them, but Myeong’s voice is still ringing loud and clear in your ears.

What were you thinking? What did you feel? Had you been brave enough, you would have told her everything, from the very start and without gaps. You would have told her about the way your heart started to race as you realized what was hapenning in the tapes, how you stood awake all night watching them, examining them, touching yourself to them.

Now that you think about it, you're not any better than him.

Paperwork is accumulating at the edge of your desk, but you can't begin to care. Time is passing, but you’re still stuck in last night without being able to move forward or backward. Your mind is latched to the sight of him throwing his head back while he wraps your underwear around his cock, the way he starts increasing the movement of his wrist once he is close. Your mind is latched to everything you saw, and all the tiny details you might have missed.

The dates of each footage spin in your head, trying to find a pattern but, at the same time, making no sense. There is, however, a common denominator every single time —Changbin only visits your room when the apartment was empty. It doesn’t happens too often, though, but it has happened a couple of times in the past months. For instance, that April morning you took Jihun to his doctor’s appointment and forgot to inform Changbin, who showed up to your apartment right on time, but found it empty.

It had been a rabbit's hole, the stupid CCTV you haven't gotten rid of despite not being useful anymore. Before yesterday, you didn't even remember you had it —it had been Kyungho’s idea, to install a closed-circuit television system after a spate of burglaries at the apartment complex. At the time, you didn't protest because you thought it was convenient. But, eventually, the burglaries stopped.

After that, the system never came in handy until Wednesday, when you thought you had lost a usb with important work documents. You looked for it everywhere —the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and even Jihun's playroom.

“You know, kids love small, shiny things,” Myeong had told you over the phone, trying to ease your frustration, “maybe he took it and it’s hidden somewhere in between his toys, I don’t know”.

After a relentless search, and an agonizing feeling of having screwed up, you remembered the CCTV. Although its purpose was to surveill and not precisely find missing things you took a leap of faith —you were too desperate to find it, that the idea didn’t seem too crazy.

So you sat down and searched for the date in which you last remember ever using the USB. Tuesday, this week. You thought doing some home office was a good idea, so you took your stuff home and, after pouring a glass of red wine, you laid down in your bed and started reviewing some documents you have to deliver on Friday.

A glass of red wine became two, and soon you found yourself feeling sleepy. You could clearly see in the CCTV footage how you packed your things, placed your laptop inside your bag, took the glass and bottle of wine to the kitchen and returned to keep on getting your stuff ready for the following morning. Then, some frames of you walking towards one of your drawers, opening and closing them right away.

Perhaps you had been too sleepy, and the alcohol ingested did its thing, but you found the USB right there, where the footage showed it —inside one of the drawers. You smiled triumphantly as you packed the device where it should have been, inside your bag, and returned your attention to the television screen in front of you. What a useless purchase, you thought as you saw the amount of videos stored, but felt glad nonetheless about it becoming in handy.

You could have stop right there. And really, you should have.

But one thumbnail in particular captured your attention. It dated from Wednesday, last week, and it showed you an image of a man walking inside your room, the same 3 frames repeating themselves over and over again.

Wednesday, last week, had been the parent-teaching meeting at Jihun’s preschool. It took longer than expected, so Changbin had to wait at your place for around 20 minutes before you came home. The timestamp in the bottom right corner of the thumbnail confirmed so —it had been recorded at 12:06 p.m., when he was by himself.

Said footage lead you to look for another.

And another.

And another.

[18:01 p.m., You: Do you think I can have a word after your shift today?]

And at one point, you didn’t know who had sunk lower —Changbin, for what he did, or you, for liking it.

[19:23 p.m., Babysitter: Sure. Is everything alright?]

[19:41 p.m., You: Yeah, there’s just something I want to discuss with you]

Myeong's words still resonate inside your mind and, as you park your car outside the apartment complex, you realize you don't have a plan. You had been brave enough to let Changbin know there's something you want to talk about, but you didn't think anything further from it. You just don’t know how to bring the topic up, because there is a lot to explain from your side.

“Yeah, I have cameras all over the apartment and I saw you getting off to my used underwear,” you rehearse, but even the choice of words sounds extremely creepy. You're glad the windows of your car are rolled up, because if any passerby hears you they would’ve give you a perturbated look.

You take a deep breath, grip the steering wheel of your car and go at it again. “Listen, Changbin, I found some videos- fuck!”.

You feel conflicted, and guilty. And a part of you makes you want to believe it is because of the whole CCTV issue, that you should've told him beforehand when he started working with you. But, prior to this week, you didn't even remember it. You didn't avoid telling him out of mischief, but because it was so irrelevant it never cross your mind.

However, the other part of you knows it is because of what you did watching those tapes. You know about the pooling wetness in your underwear as you remember the images of Changbin stroking himself, wrapping your used underwear around his cock and fucking himself with it. You know about the countless times you made yourself come last night while thinking about him, about how good he smells and how much of a gentleman he is.

You know about your attraction towards him, and that is something you can deny to everyone but yourself.

After not being able to find the correct words to use tonight, you leave your car and walk towards your apartment with frustration penting up inside of you. Because, really, what was the worst thing that could happen? Him, quitting his job? At some point, you voted for that solution to this situation. So the more you think about it, the more you expose yourself —the worst thing that can happen is nothing at all.

You take one last deep breath before typing the password in the keypad of your door, and the first thing you're welcomed with is a delicious smell you're not used to.

“I’m home,” you announce, hanging your bag and blazer on the coat rack. These days you're not greeted by Jihun as you usually were. Now that he started his second year at kindergarten, he wakes up earlier than usual and, therefore, goes to bed early too. His absence doesn’t surprise you tonight, but the fact that Changbin isn’t sitting at your living room as he usually does, do. “Changbin?”

“Right here, Miss,” a voice from the kitchen speaks.

You find him standing in front of the kitchen stove, not facing you, wearing some thight jeans, a light blue shirt and your white apron. In the dinner table there's a plate and a glass, along with a bottle of wine you can't quite recognize. Did he bring it himself?

“What is this?” you ask. There's not irritation or annoyance in your voice, but rather confusion and curiosity.

The corner of his lips rise in a soft, proud smirk. One that you can’t capture due to the position he is in. “Dinner,” he tells you, maneuvering a couple of kitchen utensils on his pan. “I figure you might be hungry, and so I decided to cook some dinner for you”.

Static, you stare at his back for endless seconds until his voice brings you back to reality yet again.

“I cooked us some bibimbap, Jihun was craving some,” Changbin explains. “There were a couple of leftover ingredients”.

“Oh,” you murmur, walking cautiously towards the dining table, “you shouldn’t have”.

“It’s no big deal,” Changbin reassures you, getting your dish ready.

You watch him as he moves around the kitchen, and that conversation with Myeong comes back to your mind —he is a college student, 11 years younger than you are. But the more you look at him, the more he doesn't look like one.

His facial features, the way he walks and carries himself. The way he talks and expresses his thoughts, his voice, his gaze... Everything is so appealing to you. He is even more of a man than half men your age, you often think.

“Almost done, Miss,” he tells you, and the title which he uses to address you suddenly weighs heavy on your mind.

“How was Jihun today?” you ask, clearing your throat and preventing any other thoughts from resurfacing.

“He was good,” Changbin walks towards the table and offers you the dish, not without pouring a bit of wine on your glass. “I helped him with his homework, and he asked me if he could watch television afterwards. We spent almost all day at his playroom”.

“Thanks,” you mutter under your breath as he sets the table ready for you. “Is he already in bed?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “I hope the dinner is good by the way”.

You give him a quick smile, and thank him again. The dish looks great, and it smells just as good, but you can’t get yourself to take one bite from it. Or at least not when you’re this nervous.

So you decide to start now.

“Changbin,” you sigh, feeling even more conflicted about such gesture. His name it's all that's needed for you to capture his attention, which you do almost immediately. “Please, sit down”.  

He follows compliantly, taking a seat right in front of yours. You're not quite sure how to begin, but you go for it anyways.

“What’s going on?” he asks you, with an innocent smile that gets a little under your nerves. “What was the thing you wanted to discuss?”

You clear your throat and eye the glass of wine in front of you. Silly move, a part of you thinks once you chug it down in one sit. You look nervous, and he can tell. Ironically enough, you're not the one who should be in such a state. You weren't caught doing something wrong, and your job wasn't at risk. So why do you feel cornered, just like he is supposed to feel?

“How do I even say this,” you mumble to yourself, exhaling the sweet taste of wine. It tastes nothing like the ones you usually consume, but it is nice. You know it isn't yours, but you don't dare to ask him the reason behind this odd, unexpected gift. “Jesus”.

He looks at you with empty eyes, that seem to be trying hard to figure out what's going on inside your mind.

“Look, I’m just going to say it like it happened,” Changbin is sitting right in front of you, but it seems as if you’re engaging on a conversation alone with yourself. You hardly recognize his presence there, only fixing your eyes to the now empty glass of wine. “And I know I should’ve told you this when I first met you and hired you as Jihun’s babysitter, but I didn’t because I completely forgot about them and I honestly didn’t think much of it”.

There's a short silence between the two of you, one you use to organize your thoughts, and then continue.

“There’s a CCTV system in the apartment,” you say, without beating around the bush. Saying it out loud, for you, sounds like a shocker, but Changbin doesn't seem fazed at all. “There’s cameras on every room, and they have been there for a while now, longer than you have been working for me”.

After you tell him that, he leans back against his seat and his body relaxes, almost as if he was expecting something else. Something worse.

As if what you’re just about to say isn’t wrong enough.

“I saw some stuff,” you confess, still not daring to look at him.

You hate how this whole interaction is being. You hate how small you feel, even though you're the one calling him out, the one supposed to be in control. You hate how he looks at you, with that heavy gaze of his that secretly whispers an I know what you did. You hate how the eleven-year gap does not cross your mind because in front of him you feel so defenseless.

You hate how you can't even scold him for what he did because you didn't dislike any second of it.

Changbin smiles after a couple of seconds in silence, finding amusement in the way you get flustered as you try to keep your speech going.

“I know about the cameras,” he tells you, and your nervous countenance suddenly drifts into one of confusion. “I’ve known for a while. They’re not hard to spot”.

There's rage within you, probably because of how much time you invested being nervous just for him to shrug it off so lightly.

“Oh,” you blink a couple of times, still in awe.

It takes you a while, but the realization hits you. If he was aware of the CCTV system the whole time, that means…

“Then you know what I saw,” it’s not a question, it’s an affirmation. Hostility lingers in your voice, but that is not enough to alarm Changbin, who licks his lips and tiltes his head at you with a serious deadpan.

“Miss,” he tells you. “What did you see?”

You gulp loudly and finally get the courage to look at him, with an incredulous expression that calls out his cynism. “Do you really want me to say it out loud?”

Another silence dawns up on you, and you're not quite sure how to follow the conversation without his participation, as he isn't really saying anything. So, to save you time and awkwardness, you just let the words freely fall from your mouth.

“I saw footages of you, inside my room,” you spit, seeing if that is enough to get a reaction from him, but realizing you failed again. Not that it surprises you, so you just keep going. “I saw everything, every video there was. I don’t- I’m not sure why I did it, but I did”.

You're reminded of Myeong, again, and how she asked you to do whatever the fuck you wanted for once.

“So, why?” you ask, staring deep into him. You’re not angry, nor disappointed, you also don’t seem grossed out, so Changbin smiles triumphantly. He has gotten away with it. “If you knew there was cameras, why risk doing that knowing I could easily find out?”

“Because I wanted you to find out,” he simply replies, as if the answer wasn’t completely obvious to both parties.

“Yeah, but why?”

“I wanted to end up right here,” Changbin explains, leaning against the table while placing both of his elbows on it. “With you, confronting me about it”.

You look at him in disbelief, trying to give his answers some sense but failing miserably.

“You’re not thinking about firing me,” he continues, looking for your gaze underneath your shock. “It would’ve been the first thing to say”. 

It seems as if the roles have been reversed, and you're now the one who isn't speaking, despite you being the one who initially brought the topic up.Right now you want to listen to him and try to understand what he is meaning with all of this, so you stay quiet.

“So if you’re not firing me, what is it that truly you wanted to discuss?”

The soft smirk he offers you makes you feel dizzy, and you find yourself holding your breath. As if a deep exhale it's going to betray you, to sell you out and reveal your deepest fantasies.

And quickly, you realize can’t fulfill Myeong’s promise, because you’re already too far gone inside your head.

“It was- not okay,” you sigh. “You’re just- way too young for me. I have an exhusband, and a child. I’m a fucking mother, Changbin”.

“So?” he asks you with one of his brows slightly raised. Defiantly, intimidating, ready to prove you wrong. “Does that mean I can't find you attractive?”

The sudden confession makes your heart feel as if you were on top of the roller coaster, despite Myeong bringing the possibility to the table earlier today.

“You shouldn’t,” you cut him short. “There’s nothing I can offer you. You should seek women your age”.

“But I want you,” he makes it very clear, with no hesitation in his voice. There’s a table between you two, but it is not enough of a barrier to prevent you from feeling him close. “It’s you who I think about when I jerk off, not them”.

There’s another silence that accompanies the realization sinking. Changbin is attracted to you, and he does jerks off thinking about you. You shouldn’t feel flattered, but you do, and it’s dangerous.

It has been a while since someone lusted after you like this.

“Changbin,” you swallow thickly, but not even that small amount of saliva does anything to ease the dry feeling in your throat. “You’re too young”.

He gives a smile that hides cockiness behind it, almost as if he wanted you to bring that up.

“I can treat you better than men your age, in every way,” the tip of his tongue grazes against his cheek in an arrogant manner that don’t really hate. The attitude looks good on him. “Even better than your exhusband”.

The heat is rising up to your cheeks, and it feels awkward. Your thighs are squeezing together, too, and you pray for him to not notice any crevice of all that you are trying so hard to hide.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep talking about this,” you mumble, standing up from your seat while he does the same. “Go home, and I’ll see you on Monday”. 

“So you’re really not going to fire me,” Changbin murmurs, dangerously approaching you. “Hm?”

You’re too close to spit it out. To give in, tell him that he can do with you whatever he wants. You’re too close to break in front of him, just like he is to pressing his body against yours.

“No,” you inhale, anticipating the contact of his hand against your hips.

“Is there a good reason behind such a decision?”

You swallow thickly, and think about how long it has been since the last time you felt someone’s body against yours —it has been ages, to say the least.

“I-” you can’t think straight. The mere touch of his hand against your clothes, and his deep gaze staring right through you is enough to overwhelm you. “Jihun likes you too much, I can’t- I don’t want to hire anybody else”.

“And you?” Changbin asks you, tilting his head. “Do you like me?”

What is the point of resisting? Now that his lips are too close to yours, and you're aching to feel his hips pressed against your body, you no longer care about anything you did a couple minutes ago. You like Changbin. You like his body, his gentleness, his sympathy. You like how attractive and confident he is, how he stares at you, how he desires you.

You like him. Isn’t that enough to give in?

“Just admit it,” he whispers, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek, “and I’ll take care of the rest”.

“What’s going to happen if I do?” you ask him, nibbling at the skin of your lower lip.

“You know what is going to happen,” Changbin scoffs, so softly it sounds like a melody rather than a teasing laugh. “Didn't the videos gave you enough hints about how desperate I am for you?”

You're not used to him being this straight-forward. Maybe you are a prude, because the way he is talking to you right now is making it difficult to hold the eye contact, and it's making your skin warmer.

Changbin is quick to pick up on that, on the way you can hardly look at him while he speaks, and the way you swallow thickly with each words that leaves his lips —he makes a mental note to remember it later.

“Tomorrow,” you tell him and, for the first time tonight, you feel the air actually getting to your lungs. “Jihun is spending the weekend with his father”.

He smiles cockily against your lips, leaning in further to place a quick peck on them. A quick peck that leaves you craving for more, that makes your chest feel heavy and your limbs numb.

“See you tomorrow, then”.

You can’t stop eyeing your phone screen, thinking that staring at the clock for too long will prevent it from letting time pass.

You've given in. And there's no turning back.

It’s 18:41. And it has been 18:41 for the past hour or so. The seconds are passing excruciatingly slow, and that does nothing to ease your anguish.

You tried to catch up on all the paperwork you left undone yesterday, went and lunch somewhere else rather than the company’s cafeteria to kill some time, and even texted Myeong asking her if she was busy because you wanted to talk to her. Myeong hasn’t texted you back yet, but the two other activities weren’t enough to distract you from the inevitable.

18:41, still. Anticipation is killing you, what have you gotten yourself into?

You can't shake off the feeling of his lips against yours, no matter how minimal and quick the contact was. It wasn’t a kiss in all the sense of the word, it was just a peck. Yet that is enough for your mind to keep on repeating the moment on loop, making you feel the pressure on your lips, despite him not being anywhere around you right now.

You glance at your phone screen again.

18:42. You swallow thickly.

The sudden buzz of your phone inside your hand makes your heart skips a beat, and you hold it right against your chest. Please let it be Myeong, you pray, feeling a pit in your stomach and the sudden sensation of having to visit the restroom. Please let it be Myeong.

[18:42, Myeong: Just got out of a meeting. What’s up?]

[18:42, You: I’m meeting Changbin after work]

Not even two seconds after pressing the sent button, your phone is buzzing repeatedly and Myeong's image is being shown right at the center of the screen.

“What?!” Her squealing is what welcomes you after you pick up the call. She screams so loud you have to move your phone away from your ear, allowing her to scream as much as she wants without compromising one of your senses. “Oh my fucking God!”

It takes her a while to regain her composure, but she gets there. After panting and letting out sighs of amusement, Myeong gives you the word.

“I’m nervous,” you admit. “I’m so fucking nervous, I feel like a teenager”.

“Of course,” Myeong sighs, and you don’t have to see her to know she is probably smiling. “Isn’t that expected? It has been a while since, you know, you put yourself out there”.

“Yeah, I know,” you murmur, biting the skin around your nails. “But God, I feel so pathetic”.

“Once you're being dicked down you're definitely going to forget that feeling, don't worry,” your friend jokes with a teasing chuckle, and you huff under your breath. “Or you can ask him to make you feel that way even more, if you’re into that”.

A quick train of thoughts passes through your mind, but Myeong's voice snaps you back into reality again.

“You don't have to feel nervous,” she continues. “It’s just sex. It's not like you haven't had it before”.

“Why am I even making such a big deal out of this?” You let out a frustrated sigh, and lean back against your office chair.

“You’re getting too much into your own head, again,” Myeong scolds you. “I’m praying he can get you out of there”.

“We’ll see,” your lips press into a thin line, and the thoughts that were pushed away by Myeong resuface again. “I have to go, my desk is a mess and I need to tidy it up before I leave”.

It’s part true, your desk is a mess. But you don’t think you can organize it in under 10 minutes, let alone do it while thinking about Changbin. So your say your goodbyes, hang up and stare at the glass doors that lead to your office for a bit too long.

What is Changbin like in bed?

You didn’t ask him, but it’s rather obvious he has a couple experiences of his own. You have some too, but none of them are worth telling —just normal sex, with a little bit of foreplay and, luckily, some cuddles in the end. Nothing wrong with that, but your experiences weren't nearly as fascinating as some you've heard over the past years.

The clock on your phone screen captures your attention, and you realize you can't dwell in your own thoughts too much.

18:58.

Despite knowing the password to the door keypad, Changbin waited for you to let him know you were already at the apartment to finally show up, wearing some tight jeans, and a plain black t-shirt.

Technically, you can leave your office now.

Upon arriving home, you opted for taking a shower and wear much more comfortable clothes.

They aren’t sexy, nor luring. They are just your regular pijamas, ones that make you feel comfortable and aren't as awkward as those work skirts that makes you feel like your stomach it's all the way up to your chest.

They are just your pijamas, but Changbin’s gaze and the soft smirk that peeks from the corners of his lips tells you that he likes them.

“Do you want some wine?” You ask him, just as he follows you around the living room.

He gets the sense that you might need a glass, so he agrees. You grab the bottle of wine he brought yesterday, along with two glasses, and join him in the couch, sitting right next to him while leaving the stuff on top of a small coffee table. Not having a whole table as a barrier feels kind of weird now, and you sigh loudly when you take into account how close you really are from him.

“Thank you, by the way,” you mumble, pouring him some wine. “For the dinner, yesterday. I ate it after you left, it was really good”.

He offers you a soft smile, and you hand him the glass. Is this too formal? you start thinking. Why would I be drinking some wine, on a Friday afternoon, with the college student who babysits my son?

But then again, you’re about to get fucked by him too. So moral questionings doesn’t really matter this time.

“You’re welcome,” Changbin coos. “I’d be happy to cook something else for you another time”.

Another time, the words resonate in your head over and over again. Will this happen another time, too? What will things be like on Monday, for example, when he shows up for work? Will things be weird, or will he be casual about it? What happens if you soon realize it was a mistake?

You’re getting too much into your own head, again, so you clear your throat and shake your head.

“Is everything okay?” he asks you, his lips tinted with the cherry color of the wine. The sight makes you want to lean in and kiss him again, to taste the sweet flavor off his lips, but you’re not brave enough to make the first move.

“I’m just nervous,” you admit, staring at the glass between your hands. “It’s weird that we both know why you are here”.

Changbin lets out a soft scoff.

“And?”

“It feels odd, you know?” You lick your lips. “I don't know what to say, or where to begin. I'm not rushed to get into it, it's just... I don't know what the fuck to do”.

“You don’t need to do anything,” he reassures you, taking one last sip from the wine before putting his glass on the table again. “Why don’t you leave everything to me, hm?”

You gulp loudly and nod, unsure of what that means. But either way, you feel relieved.

He places his hand on your naked thigh, and then guides it a little bit further up. It’s a suggestive touch, but not obsecene —still, you feel your breath hitching. You don't even bother to try and hide your reaction, because the proud smile in his face tells you that he noticed it.

“Come here,” he whispers, guiding his available hand to softly grip your chin and turning it to face him. He doesn’t give you time to process the action, and just crashes his lips into yours. It starts like a peck, but when you part your lips and invite his tongue in, it turns into something else.

Changbin smiles against your lips, again, a proud smile. You can feel his soft scoff when he does so, right before losing yourself in the kiss. A kiss that tastes like wine and mint, that is making your thighs squeeze together even with his hand almost in between them, and that has you gasping for air when you realice you’re running out of breath.

He lets go of you to breathe, but kisses you right after without losing any time. You don’t get to complain because you’re dying for him to kiss you again, so you just take all his lips are offering you.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about this,” he murmurs in between kisses. The hand that was forcing your head against his suddenly leaves the sides of your face and travels all the way to your hips, and you instinctively shift your position on the couch until you’re on top of him.

He kisses you one last time on your lips before descending to your neck and chest, peppering kisses all over your naked skin and nibbling at the flesh of your most sensitive spots. You latch your fingers against his dark locks, pulling him in further as you arch your back.

“Changbin,” you sigh, closing your eyes. He hums in response, and you continue, “it has been a while since I’ve been with someone”.

He smirks proudly against your skin and his cock gets even harder; there is something enticing about you being too unfamiliar with sex these days. Knowing that your ex husband, who you utterly despise now, was the last man to ever touch you, turns him on in unimaginable ways.

He has confidence in knowing that probably no man has ever made you feel the same way he is going to make you feel tonight.

“I don’t know why I am telling you this,” you exhale, your body instinctively grinding against his. You can feel some pressure between your legs, and you get wet just by knowing he is hard. Are you really this touch starved?

“You can tell me anything you want,” Changbin smiles, looking up to you with quite a gaze you hadn't seen before.

You whimper when you feel his lips too close to your breasts, and suddenly the clothes you’re wearing feel too uncomfortable. Not only that, but you take him at his word and your mouth starts talking on its own, without your brain knowing about it. Without making any sense. 

“I touched myself,” you sigh, looking down on him while he sucks the naked skin of your flesh. “When I found the videos, I touched myself while watching them”.

He let out a quiet chuckle, and his cock twitches at the sudden confession.

“Did you come?” his voice is low, and raspier than it usually is, “watching me stroke my cock with your underwear?”

You swallow thickly, loud enough for him to notice it. That makes him bring back the mental note he made yesterday, when he realized how receptive you are to dirty words.

“I bet you did,” he continues, and you feel your skin getting warmer with each thing he says. Not only that, but the way he is groping your ass and hips isn't helping you in keeping quiet.

“Y-yes,” it’s all you can answer before your words get muffle with your whines, and your hips acquire a pace of its own against his. “Fuck”.

“What where you thinking while watching those videos?” He removes one strap of your tank top and lets it hang around your arm, placing a kiss on the place that was occupied by it just now. “Tell me”.

There were plenty of thoughts roaming around your head as you watched every video, but there was one that predominated over the rest.

“I was thinking about you, eating me out,” even saying those words out loud makes you feel flustered, but you really can't begin to care. For some reason, the way he is looking at you just makes you want to tell him more, let him know about all the things you've thought. “I was- really, just thinking about having your face between my legs, kissing me and just- you know”.

His gaze darkens when you tell him that, and the fabric of his jeans against his crotch starts being unbearable. He can't spend any more time without knowing how you actually taste and smell, other than those used panties he has jerked off to.

At the same time, though, he wants to take his time with you. He doesn't want to rush anything. He doesn't want to jump straight into it. He wants to savor it, just like he spent doing it the past months when all he had was your underwear and the faint smell of cologne you always left around the apartment.

“Yeah?” he purrs in a way that makes your whole skin get cover in goosebumps. He sounds so good when he is aroused, you wonder if he sounds this nice when he is being pleasured.

“Yeah,” you sigh. “I want- that”.

He stops himself for a while, and looks directly into your eyes.

“Do you want me to taste you?”

You nod almost immediately, and you think it's pathetic but Changbin finds it endearing how desperate you are. You really haven’t been touched in a while, he thinks.

“But first,” he guides his hands to the hems of your tank top, and he pulls it up higher as a way of motioning for you to take it off. You follow compliantly and raise it over your arms, discarding it somewhere next to the couch.

Changbin stares at your breasts, and then makes eye contact with you. He holds a teasing gaze that is making you look away timidly.

“Pretty,” he whispers, tracing the lace with the tip of his index finger.  “You wore this for me?”

You know he doesn't mean to embarrass you, but the way he is bringing it up makes you feel shy. What else were you supposed to wear? The sports bra and high-briefs you wear on a regular?

His fingers graze against the hems of the short’s waistband and he pulls them down slightly, only to find a pair of laced panties that match the bra. He chuckles softly, but cockily, and that only makes your skin get even hotter.

“Of course you did,” he murmurs, with such a teasing tone that you're not sure if you like it or you hate it. “What else have you done for me, hm?”

 You stare at him while he sneaks a hand inside your pijamas, between the fabric of your shorts and your underwear. Two of his fingers come in contact with your clothed pussy, sliding them along your slit while he quietly groans.

“All of this?” he asks you, getting his hand out of your shorts. His fingers are glistening underneath the dim lights of the living room, and you’re surprised at how wet his digits are —you can’t recall a moment in which someone has made your body react like that. “Just for me?”

He loses no time into guiding said fingers into his mouth, he loses no time guiding said fingers into his mouth, wrapping his tongue around them and sucking them off while letting out a soft groan. There's a faint taste of you in them, but it is not enough. Nothing will ever be enough other than tasting you himself, to drag his tongue against your pussy and have you coming all over himself.

So, with a quick movement, he switches the position yet again and sits you right on the couch, kneeling in front of you while he drags your shorts and underwear off of you.  

No matter how many times Changbin fantasized about this sight, none of those thoughts compared to the real you. The one in front of him right now, with his legs spread and his cunt soaked.

“Fuck,” he murmurs quietly and, for a second, fear fear washes upon him. What if he gets to finally taste you, and he loses control of himself? What if he comes in his pants right there? He is nearly about to come untouched, and he fears that your taste might trigger his release.

He wraps both of his arms under your thighs and pull you closer to him, making you slide against the couch in a much more comfortable position for you both.

“Is this what you thought about when you were touching yourself?” Changbin asks you, feeling his breath too close to your core that you’re desperate to pull him against it. “Having me between your legs like this?”

You nod eagerly, anticipating the contact of his wet lips against your pussy. He is so close, you can practically feel his nose brushing against your clit.

“Please,” you whimper, your hips grinding ever so slightly against nothing.You’re desperate for his touch, and he is just as desperate to touch you.

He looks at you, and then at the sight in front of him. Never in a thousand years Changbin thought he would have you all for himself. You, the woman of his wildest dreams, the mother of the kid he babysits as a side gig.

Changbin would be lying if the whole age gap situation didn't turn him on even more. It's not particularly the reason why he got so fixated on you, but it was definitely something that he couldn't ignore. You being older than him only fueled his desire to pleasure you, to prove to you that he is better than every man you can think of.

However, he thinks you're conflicted by it. The age gap. You were so reluctant to fall into his charms that you thought it had everything to do with the fact that he was way younger than you. Which partly, it was.

But truth is that the whole thing turns you on too, despite you trying to deny it to yourself.

“You smell so fucking good,” he whispers underneath his breath, digging his finger tips on the flesh of your thighs. Your heart is going at a thousand miles per hour, and you are impatient to feel him against you. So impatient you latch your fingers onto his hair, and guide him even closer to you, until his nose finally makes contact with your sensitive bud.

“Please,” you beg weakly, one more time.

And the next thing you feel, is his tongue lapping at your slit while the tip of his nose presses against your clit even harder, making you feel a weird but pleasant stimulation by doing so.

“God,” he groans against you, gripping your legs harsher. You can hear him moaning and hissing against your pussy, devouring it, licking and kissing every inch of it. He is kind of messy with it, but you adore it. “You taste- fuck, you’re so good”.

You arch your back against the couch, tightening your legs on either side of him as much as the grip he has on you allows you to.

“I want you to come all over me,” Changbin tells you, spitting all over his fingers and your pussy. “Show me how much you’ve thought about this”.

He then sinks his middle and ring finger inside your cunt, feeling your warmth and the way your walls clench around him. You’ve fucked yourself with your fingers, countless of times. But they can’t compare to the way his feel, how much thicker they are, how better they fill you up.

“Shit,” you murmur, furrowing your eyebrows and closing your eyes when Changbin’s tongue makes contact again with your clit, licking it and softly sucking on it while his fingers. “Just- like that”.

The noise his fingers make every time he thrusts them inside you, and your moans combined with his only send you closer to the edge, reminding you who is the man between your legs and how deliciously he is wrecking you.  

“Who would’ve thought we were going to end up like this, hm?,” Changbin groans, staring right at you while sucking on your clit. “With you practically grinding your pussy against my face in the living room of your apartment?”

You moan at his words, and keep on bucking your hips against him.

“Did your ex husband ever did this for you, right here?” he asks, and when he feels you clenching almost aggressively around his fingers he realices he’s just discovered something. “Did he taste you like this?”

Because of his job babysitting Jihun, Changbin is fully aware who Kyungho is. They know each other personally, and you've seen them engage in small talk every time Kyungho comes to pick up Jihun to spend the weekend with him.

You don’t see the point in thinking about your ex husband right now, but you find it hot when Changbin is the one to bring his name up.

“No,” you whine, gripping his hair with one of your hands while the other grasps the edge of the couch. “He didn’t”.

“Was he good?” Changbin asks, tilting his head at you. “Was he better than me?”

You shake your head, desperate to come, “n-no”.

“No? He wasn’t this good?” There’s a cocky tone in his voice, and you love it. You love how confident he is getting now that the topic is on the table, and because of how honest you’re really being. It is definitely true —your ex husband wasn’t this good at eating your pussy.

“No!” you gasp, feeling your orgasm getting closer and closer with each word that falls from his lips.

“Who would’ve thought,” he chuckles lowly, offering you a tempting smile, “that men your age can’t make you feel like I can”.

“F-fuck, Changbin,” you feel a spark of electricity that starts on your core and drifts all the way to your feet, making you tremble underneath his hold. You’re almost there, but for some reason you’re trying to hold it in.

As if you wanted to live in this feeling forever, in the sight of Changbin’s dark eyes staring right at you with a desire that you haven’t been able to find anywhere else, in any other man.

“Come for me,” he tells you, fucking you even faster with his fingers. “Make a mess, I need you wet for my cock”.

Him and his fucking dirty talk. It leaves you with no time to process anything, as you’re now coming undone for him, riding his fingers and grinding your hips against his palm while you try to hold tight to the couch, doing everything you can to endure the stimulation.

“Don’t run for me,” Changbin groans, forcing your legs open and holding your right in place. “I know you can take it”.

A sharp, painful moan escapes your lips and your body jolts right in its place, with him still between your legs. Waves and waves of pleasure wash upon you, debilitating you and making you feel dizzy. This is the hardest you've come, ever, and there's no doubt of that.

“C-changbin,” you whine, matching the slow pace of his thrusts with the movements of your hips. You're descending now from your high, and you're again looking forward to feel that ecstasy again.

“Look at you,” he murmurs, smearing your wetness with his fingers. He gives you a soft slap to your pussy that makes your body shakes, and he smiles at how overstimulated you are. “You’re so wet, my cock is going to slide right inside you”.

Your pussy clenches around thin air at the idea.

“N-not yet,” you tell him, and kiss him when he hovers over you to place a peck on your lips. He kisses you deeply again, fucking your mouth with his tongue, allowing you to taste your own orgasm from him.

“Not yet?” Changbin purrs, biting your lower lip and pulling it just enough for you to whine.

“I want to suck you off”.

As desperate as he is to bury his cock inside you, who is he to say no? It’s comically how it all happens too fast, but in the blink of an eye you’ve already swaped positions and he is now sitting on top of the mess you made on the couch, with his legs spread and his jeans unbuckled just enough to free his clothed bulge.

You kneel in front of him, and your pair of curious hands trace the silhouette of his erection over his underwear. With ease, you lower his clothes and free his hard cock, that is already leaking with precum and it’s warm to the touch. There are several, prominant veins that start at the base and fade right near the tip.

Fuck, it’s making your mouth water.

“Good enough?” he asks you, cockily. Perhaps you’re giving yourself away by the way you stare at him like it’s the first time you ever see a cock —it might be, because you can’t think of any other that’s just as appealing as his.

You just nod and grab it by the base, gripping it tightly while you guide your mouth from the top and all along it. It’s taking him a lot of effort not to bust right then and there, with your lips wrapped around his tip while your hand squeeze the base and part of his testicles.

“Swirl your tongue,” he purrs, brushing a strand of hair away from your face. “Get it nice and wet, remember I’m fucking you with it later”.

Like Changbin, you prefer it messy. So you do as he asks you to, you spit on it and smear your own drool all over its length, not caring if you make a mess in the middle.

“You said it's been a long time since you've been with someone,” he groans, kicking his head back and closing his eyes. “But you're still so good at sucking cock. You didn't forget about that?"

It catches you by surprise, but you find yourself getting wetter at the comment. He is not necessarily implying anything, but the tint of humiliation it carries makes you aroused.

“I like that,” you gasp, breathing for air after having all of himself inside you. “I like it when you talk to me like that. It makes me feel kind of humiliated and I like it”.

It isn’t a shocker that his words have an effect on you —yesterday Changbin noticed how weak you are for dirty talk. However, it is a shocker how you trust him with that information, indirectly asking him to do it more.

“Aren’t you full of surprises,” he chuckles.  

Perhaps this conversation should’ve taken place earlier, when you two were having a glass of wine. You decided to just go for it, without talking about preferences, likes or dislikes.

It’s not too late to get to know each other, you think. Even when his cock is deep inside your throat and he already made you come once tonight.

“I’m just figuring it out,” you tell him, smacking the tip of his cock against your tongue. Had it been any other time, or any other setting, you probably wouldn’t have had the courage to talk openly about this. “There’s a lot of things I wish to try”.

His eyebrows are furrowed, and his half-lidded eyes are staring right at yours, with his lips parted and a couple of quiet groans escaping through them.

“Tell me about them,” he groans, grabbing a fistful of your hair.

You stroke him softly, coating all his length with your drool and his precum. You can feel his cock twitching inside your fist, and you can also feel how his body spasms every time you squeeze him a bit too hard. You can tell he is close to coming, and you truly wouldn’t mind.

The thing is, you can’t wait to feel him inside you. So you wish to edge him just a bit because there’s something you want.

“Creampies,” you murmur, smiling shyly, while jerking him off. “Not just… creampies but- I want you to come inside me. Watch how it leaks out, knowing it was you who did it”.

You know you’ve hit a weak spot in Changbin when his hips buck against your fist, and he lets out a quiet whimper that shows just how needy he is for you.

He has thought about it, an insane amount of times. But Changbin isn’t in it just for the sake of a creampie, no. He wants to fill you up, completely. To hear you begging for his release, to wrap your legs around his waist and prevent him from pulling out.

Would that be a bit too much to bring up the first time you fuck?

“I can’t wait to be inside you,” he whispers, caressing the sides of your face before putting his thumb inside your mouth. “I want to fuck you right now”.

He stands up from the couch and you follow, feeling a bit confused about the sudden movements. You spent the past half hour or so sucking each other off in this couch, you thought you’d be fucking there too. But it seems as if he prefers a true bed over a couch, and you too, so you don’t say anything.

“This angle is better, right?” Changbin asks you once you’re in your room.

“Huh?”

“The camera,” he replies, grabbing you by your hips and pulling you closer to him. “its placed right above the television, in front of your bed isn’t it?”

You blink a couple of times, trying to understand what he’s all about. Perhaps you're too dizzy from your orgasm and the way his taste lingers on the tip of your tongue, but you're not following him. Still, you nod because he is right —the camera is right in front of your bed.

“I want to fuck you in front of it,” Changbin murmurs, and when the realization hits you can feel your knees going numb. “I want you to go back to this tape when you feel like having my cock inside those holes of you, and I want you to touch yourself watching us”.

You swallow thickly and feel your nipples hardening against his chest, whimpering when you feel the slightest stimulation.

He gives you one last kiss before guiding you into your bed, laying down as you watch how he strips for you.

The way his muscles keep on flexing as he takes off his clothes is hypnotizing. You can see every inch of his soft skin, every curve, every flexed part that demands your attention. You want him to fuck you while he’s hugging you tightly, to trap you between his arms and not allowing you to move.

You want him to use his strength to overpower you, to pin you down and fuck you mercilessly against your own bed.

A bed that you once shared with your ex husband, a bed that will now remind you of that time you fucked with a college student, way younger than you.

“Come here,” he whispers, grabbing your legs and just sliding you over the bed. He then crawls on top of you, positioning himself between your legs while you spread them wide open for him.

God, how much your body turns him on.

“You don’t want me to-”

“No,” you shake your head, wrapping your arms around his neck when he leans over you. “Please don’t use a condom”.

 He bites his lower lip when he hears those words from you, and his mind spirals again into this silly fetish of him. Impregnation.

“You’ve wanted this all along, don’t you?” Changbin asks you, pressing his forehead against yours. “I’m sure this isn’t the first time you think about me fucking you raw, letting me come inside you”.

Embarrassingly enough, it isn’t.

“I thought you said yesterday I was too young for you,” he pouts, pressing the tip of his cock against your entrance. Again, you shouldn’t feel aroused when you’re reminded about the elephant in the room, but you are. “Do you still think the same?”

 “Jesus,” you sigh, pulling him closer to you. “Don’t remind me”.

“Why not?” he teases you, leaving quick pecks on your cheeks and jaw. “You can’t accept the fact that it’s me who is making you feel this good? Someone that apparently is too young for you, but just made you come harder than your ex husband ever did?”

Again, you grind your hips when he says that.

“I’m starting to think you like me bringing him up,” he chuckles. “Every time I say something like that, you get more desperate”.

“It’s- not that,” you try to explain, arching your back against him. “I don’t- know why it turns me on when you say things like that. When you remind me is you who’s between my legs, someone who is not supposed to”.

“Someone who is not supposed to?” he murmurs, leaving a trail of kisses from your cheeks, along your jaw and into the crook of your neck. “Miss, I know we've thought about this since the day you hire me for the babysitter position”.

The low tone of his voice, and the way he whispers such things against your ear is making you go insane. You need him inside you, and you need him to stop talking if you wish to elongate your orgasm as much as you can.

“Or are you going to deny it?” You don’t answer, which only proves him right. “Don’t go around saying we shouldn’t be fucking, because that’s something you’ve wanted since we met”.

It's only after he finishes when you feel a harsh, sharp thrust of his hips around you, and a sudden stretch that's both painful and pleasant at the same time. He sinks his hips against yours, and his cock bottoms out inside you.

“Fuck,” you groan, digging your nails deeper into the flesh of his biceps.

“You know, that pussy of yours did a good job at coming,” he groans through gritted teeth. “It slipped right inside”.

You moan at his words and spread your legs further, wrapping them around his hips. Changbin gives you a couple of times to get used to his girth, and only starts moving when you ask him to.

“It feels so-,” you want to speak, but it’s practically impossible —you’re too distracted by the feeling of his cock stretching you out. “Shit, you feel so hard inside me”.

“I bet all the other dicks you've had before didn't fill you right,” he groans, thrusting his cock iinside you. “but don't worry, you can have mine whenever you feel like having something worthy between your legs”.

You love how cocky he turns in bed.

“Right there,” you gasp when his cock reaches a particular spot inside your pussy. That spot, that no one but you and his fingers has found before. “Fuck, f-fuck, right there, right there”.

He keeps fucking you for a couple more minutes until he starts feeling your walls clenching around him, similar to when he was fucking you with his fingers. He knows you’re close, and there’s nothing he wants more than for you to come all over his cock.

“I can feel you squeezing my cock,” Changbin hisses, forcing your chin to face him. “Don’t tell me you’re about to come again”.

“S-shit,” you cry. “Yes, f-fuck I’m so close”.

“Already?” he asks you, holding your chin firmly. “Is my cock that good?”

You don’t know what to answer, but his cock it’s the best you’ve ever taken. So maybe yes, his cock is that good.

“And to think that you almost reject me,” he murmurs, his dark, half-lidded eyes fixed on yours. “Now you don’t care that I’m younger than you, do you? Because every time I remind you of it, you clench even harder around me, practically begging for my cum”.

You moan loudly, shamelessly. He is right, and he has been right all along.

“I didn’t think you would give in to me,” Changbin groans against your skin, “but I can’t believe all it took me was to jerk off with your underwear for you to realice that you wanted me”.

It’s embarrassing. But nothing far from the truth.

“I’m- close,” you whisper, feeling the rush of pleasure spreading all over your body. “Please- keep, keep fucking me like this”.

“Open your eyes,” he tells you right after leaving a wet kiss on your cheek. “I want you to look at me when you come”.

It’s difficult when the pleasure is too overwhelming, but you still try.

“If you close them, I’ll pull out,” he wanrs you. “And I know that’s not what you want, so you better look at me while you come. I want you to remember who made you feel this good”.

It doesn’t take you long to reach your orgasm, especially after all the things he said. You grasp onto his shoulders tightly, while your body trembles violently underneath him.

You try so hard to keep your eyes open that they end up rolling to the back of your head, but that sight only makes Changbin’s cock spasm inside your pussy just at the same time you clench around him. He is getting really close, and the way you’re moaning and crying for him is only pushing him further to the edge.

“Look at me,” he demands, right after you’re done reaching your high and collapsing onto the bed. Your arms are still wrapped around his neck, and your legs around his waist. You don’t want him to pull out, you want him to fill you up, to give you all that he has been saving for you.

You stare at him with dazed and glossy eyes, waiting to feel his warmth spreading all along your tummy.

You need him to come inside you, and you need him to know how badly you want it.

“Please,” you beg, grabbing both sides of his face with your hands. “Please come inside me, Changbin”.

The overstimulation is becoming painful, but you’re willing to overcome it as long as he rewards you in the way you want to be rewarded.

“Promise me you’ll keep it all inside you,” Changbin says, his skin glistening in sweat while his dark locks stick to his forehead. “If it leaks out, I’ll fuck it back inside you again”.

“Yes,” you moan, arching your back and pressing your chest against his. “I’ll keep it inside me. Please, just- come for me”.

It’s your weak pleas what really triggers his orgasm. That, and the promise you just made. How you’re willing to keep it inside you, even while knowing the risks of it.

He comes a lot, you can feel it even inside you. He groans, and pants as he comes off his high, hiding his face in the crook of your neck while he tries to stabilize his breathing. You’re still sensitive from your previous orgasms, and feeling him buried deep inside you while he shoots his sticky arousal isn’t doing any favors to the painful overstimulation, but it feels good.

It makes you crave more of him. Even when he is still inside your pussy.

It feels nice to be full. And you wonder when you’re going to get the chance to be fucked by him again.

“Fuck,” Changbin sighs, Pulling out of you delicately, trying hard not to stimulate you further. You whine when you feel the sudden absence of him, and he gives you a cocky smirk. “Miss me already?”

You get up with your elbows and arms against the mattress as you stare right down to you crotch. You can't see it, but you can feel his cum leaking out of you, staining your bed sheets.

“Thought I made you a promise,” you smile, teasingly. “Your cum is leaking out, and I don’t see you fucking it back again”.

You’re surely going to be the death of him, but he has fantasized about you for so long that he is conditioned to get hard any time he sees anything that has to do with you.

Good thing he has great stamina.

And that he is going to fuck you sooner than you’d expect him.

If you wish to support my work further, you can leave a reblog/ask/ comment. I also have a ko-fi, in case you want to (and are able to) leave me a tip. As a broke, college student I will highly appreciate it (the job hunting it's definitely not going anywhere, anytime soon. I'm doing my best though!). As I'm based in México, even a dollar helps me tons.

[invisibletoothpasteman]

Something that is completely unserious but I just need to get off my chest is how people mistake complicated family dynamics as something inherently bad and therefore gravitate towards something completely stripped of any real complexity.

While I know this applies to lots of fandoms, I'm thinking specifically in regards to Batman comics.

With the rise in popularity of comics over the past little while since their decline in popularity in the 2000s there has naturally become an increase in their fandom as well, especially for Batman and the batfam. Don't get me wrong, this is great news. The comic industry NEEDS all the readers it can get and the renaissance of sorts it's been going through really shows hope for the future of comics. And with a growing fandom comes more people introduced to these characters through the fandom itself rather than the source material, which again, is a good thing.

What grinds my gears is how throughout this fandom theres been this whole idea spread that in the comics Bruce Wayne is always a shitty parent, the batfam is hardly a family, that the fanon version of him is what we deserve and is the "superior" version of him.

This fanon version of bruce (and the batfam as a whole) is perfect. He's not perfect in the sense that he's perfectly characterized. He's not perfect in the sense that he never makes mistakes. No, he's perfect in the sense that when he makes a mistake, he can flawlessly atone for it. There's conflict sure, but whenever there is some amazing therapist-approved communication is put right into play, the batfam talks about their feelings, and boom everyone is happy.

The thing is in reality that's just not how things work. Relationships are messy, especially family. Resolving conflict is messy. This is all especially true when you apply it to a family of messed-up vigilantes that go through incredibly stressful, emotional, and just plain crazy things on the daily.

The lack of always perfectly solved conflict is what makes stuff interesting. It allows for nuance in characters and situations that there isn't normally room for if everything is designed to be wrapped up in a sweet little bow.

I feel like a lot of people see the comics solely as batman being shitty and the rest of the batfam not really being a family and just overall poor story choices. While I can't deny that sometimes there are really poor or ooc choices made (such is the nature when so many different creators get to work on the same group of characters) for the most part batman in the comics is portrayed as he should be: well meaning, but far from perfect. The rest of the batfam is similarly flawed. Their relationships with each other are far from perfect but such is the nature of family. It's messy, it's imperfect but going through all of that makes it more compelling.

While I still definitely enjoy the simplified version of the batfam from time to time and am glad so many others do too, I think it's a disservice to say its the better version of them. as much fun as wfa or the like can be, they're not able to portray the same complexity as the stories that have the batfam with their flaws and all. It's still possible to tell heartwarming and fun stories in comics where everyone is heavily flawed and nuanced.

That being said really i'm glad people are able to enjoy these characters no matter how they're presented. Goodness knows that everyone should absolutely be indulging in little things in life even if that is ooc batfam. Just consider if you're still new to batman and only familiar with the fandom getting out there and reading some comics because they're pretty great.

(sorry this whole thing was written in a sleep deprived rant state, don't take it too seriously)

[monikashinswife]

omg omgggg i love ur monika fic and i need moreee 😭🙏🙏

Ask and you shall receive<3

(also she looks so tiny hereeeee)

"If you really love me, get me a husband next teachers day."

-this is inspired by the Street Woman Fighter 1 Gala Talk show, when one of her students brought the Teacher's Day incident. Enjoy reading<33

Everyone knows how Monika has been single for a very long time. And it has been a constant topic whenever she gets interviewed by hosts. It was almost too much, but Monika answered them enthusiastically.

The constant bringing up of her love life was also briefly brought up during the gala talk show of season 1 of Street Women Fighter. Where the powerful ladies were there to have fun. During one of the segments, everyone gets to ask the leaders a question.

One of Monika's students brought up the teacher's day incident. Which made Monika tear up because of how she felt during those times. And to make it up to her. She then told them playfully "If you really love me, get me a husband next teacher's day."

Monika didn't know that it was coming for her. After the success of Street Woman Fighter, opportunities were given left and right and they kept coming. Monika was invited to many interviews and most of them asked about her love life. And like always, Monika would talk about how she still doesn't have a boyfriend.

They kept going throughout the year and it was always a delight for Monika.

And speaking of opportunity, yours came when Kirsten. One of your close friends invited you to join her for Street Woman Fighter Season 2. Kirsten drags you to join her since you've been dancing together for a very long time. And who are you to refuse your best friend?

With that, Jam Republic Crew is formed with other members. It was destiny, you thought. To be with these very people. You were very excited about this new adventure.

And that adventure would be going back to South Korea. You immediately contacted Lip J. Telling her that you would be going back to Korea, but without telling her the reason. As it is said by the staffs.

You and Hyo Won met in a competition in New Zealand. You were attached after that. You continue to contact each other even if you're living across multiple countries from each other that doesn't stop you from being friends.

With Hyo Won's influence, you started learning her language. It's been a while since you saw each other. It was very clear when your squeals and screams could be heard throughout the area where the passing people saw two best friends hugging each other like lunatics.

"Oh my fucking God I missed you!!" You exclaimed once the hug was broken. Lip J's eyes can't be seen from how wide she's smiling.

"We literally Facetime each other almost every night!" She answered, but you both know you missed each other. You're each other's therapist.

"You know you missed me" I winked at her and she gave me a disgusted look. I gave a mock offense before I lightly slapped her arm and we burst out laughing. After that interaction, our day started. We pamper ourselves with things that we both love doing. Knowing that this is something we don't often do together.

" would you like it if I invited you to one of our dance classes?" Lip J asked casually while eating her ice cream. I look at her while also eating mine, "with PROWDMON?" I asked, she hummed and I nodded. Hyo won quickly grabbed my arm to drag me back to the parking lot.

"Hey, where are you taking me?" I whined while I followed her like a child being dragged by her mom. "To our studio" she answered casually. "Dressed like this?" I pointed to what I was wearing, she quickly scanned my tight-fitting dress before shrugging. "I'll borrow some spare clothes if that's the case. And besides, this is the first time I'm taking you to our studio. It's teachers day and I have to give this gift to Monika Unnie."

"Is it okay?" I asked carefully, making sure that I wouldn't be a bother when we got there. I understand that it's an important day and they must be doing an event to celebrate their mentor.

"Yes, but you know what's not okay?" Hyo Won suddenly sounded serious. "What?" She chuckled at my hurried response. "You, not meeting Monika even though we've been friends for so long." I stopped whatever I was doing on my phone to look at her.

"Holy shit, you're right!" I laughed loudly because of the situation. I never met her best friend and what an odd situation that is, considering we often FaceTime.

And just like that, the car ride was full of singing and talking. That was until we arrived at their studio. I can't help but feel excited. Wordlessly, Lip J passed me the gift that she was supposed to give to Monika and we went in.

"Unnie!" Shockingly we heard a loud call. We both looked around when we entered the practice room. I automatically smiled when the students hugged their unnie. "Oh, my-" I gave them a wave as a greeting and I giggled at their shocked reaction.

They all squealed when they saw you. How could they not? You are an icon when it comes to dancing. And it was a pleasant surprise as the students were also a fan of your work.

Monika, overwhelmed by the warm greeting from her students, looked pleasantly surprised to see you with Lip J in the studio. Her students, not wanting to waste any time, immediately handed her the gift they'd prepared for Teacher's Day.

Lip J, with a playful grin, nudged you forward, introducing you to Monika. "Monika Unnie, this is Y/n. She's a dear friend of mine and has joined us for today's dance class."

Monika, still in a state of disbelief, accepted the gift from her students and then turned her attention to you. "Nice to meet you, Y/n. I've heard so much about you from Lip J. Thank you for being here with us on this special day."

You exchanged pleasantries and chatted with Monika and her students. As the class began, you watched Monika in action, impressed by her teaching skills and her close bond with her students.

After the class, Monika approached you and Lip J. "Thank you both for coming today. It means a lot to me. How about we grab a meal together to celebrate Teacher's Day?"

As the sunset and the city lights began to twinkle, the atmosphere between you and Monika started to take on a more romantic hue. The restaurant you chose had an intimate ambiance, and the three of you shared a cozy corner table.

Monika's students, sensing the chemistry between the two of you, excused themselves, leaving you and Monika alone. The soft glow of the candlelight and the background music set the mood for a heartfelt conversation.

Monika, her eyes reflecting the warm light, looked at you and said, "You know, I didn't expect this Teacher's Day to turn into such a beautiful surprise. Meeting you here, spending this evening together—it's been so special."

You gazed into her eyes, feeling a strong connection, and replied, "I feel the same way, Monika. There's something truly magical about how we met today. I've heard so much about you from Hyo Won, and I can see why she admires you so much."

A faint blush tinted Monika's cheeks, and she smiled, her fingers gently tracing the rim of her wine glass. "I must admit, I've enjoyed our conversation and the time we've spent together. Y/n, I hope we can get to know each other better."

Your heart skipped a beat as you took Monika's hand across the table. "I'd love that, Monika. Maybe we could do this again sometime, just the two of us?"

Monika's eyes sparkled with excitement as she nodded. "I would like that."

The evening continued with shared stories, laughter, and a connection that seemed to grow stronger by the minute. By the time the night came to a close, you and Monika had taken the first step towards a blossoming romance, all because of a playful challenge, an unexpected visit, and the magic of a serendipitous encounter.

Maybe the reason why she still doesn't have a husband is because she is destined to have a wife.

-

(not proofread)

[theamityelf]

I’ve been thinking of talent swap AUs and I was wondering if there were any talents you would like to see Makoto have? And like if that varies from ship to ship? Like way back you have that post of different Makoto soulmate AUs with different ships, so that but with talent swaps.

On the top of my head, an Ultimate Neuroscientist Makoto would be interested with Hineagi or Kamuegi. Like Makoto is a minute replacement on the Kamukura project and either encounters pre-op Hajime (and maybe tries to save Hajime’s memories along with giving him talents I don’t know) OR meets Kamukura (and it’s the classic treats Izuru as a human rather than an experiment tropes but Makoto is a scientist here)

Oooh, first of all, there's one relevant post I made a little bit ago where I said that Ultimate Rule-Breaker would be a cool fit for him, since we know he will defy the establishment to protect other people.

But your specific idea of matching it to specific ships like in my soulmate AU's post is really cool, so let's give it a try, lol! I don't want to threaten his just-a-guy-ness, but it could be cool to try to use the alternate ultimate to lean into certain particular dynamics of each ship. It really seems to come down to "Is it more fun to do opposites or to coordinate?"

Kamuegi:

Here, I really want to retain the sense of "He isn't super skilled; he's just a really decent guy." A part of me wants to go "Ultimate Therapist" or somewhere in that ballpark, specifically because it justifies Hope's Peak's scientists having arranged for them to be around each other, but I think it's a little important to me that he's not a therapist. It feels like it takes away from his Power of Friendship thing if he's a therapist. Not knocking therapy! It's just maybe not best for the ship. I think the best thing he can offer Izuru is an appreciation for the world around him, so something like "Ultimate Bird-Watcher", like in that other post, or "Ultimate Stargazer," or just something in the ballpark of "person whose skill comes from enjoying things and dedicating himself to that enjoyment". Canon Makoto seems to more have that with people, but for this AU, I think the highly social aspect of Makoto's personality can receive less emphasis. I think for now I'm going to go with "Ultimate Storm-Chaser", because that combines a few cool things. It's an enjoyment of the natural world, it's a kind of wild side that we don't usually get to see a lot from Makoto, it characterizes the whole Naegi family in a pretty fun way (like, I'm just picturing them in a station wagon or van, following storms since Makoto and Komaru were little kids), and it's a thing where Makoto's clumsiness and Izuru's protection can put them in cool situations. And Makoto can still get some heroics in, saving people who are in the path of natural disasters. (I'm picturing the standard screaming child in a disaster movie.)

Naegami:

Oh boy, where to start for this one? I'm not going to act like Ultimate Secretary didn't cross my mind first, but I think the appeal of AU's where he actually becomes Byakuya's secretary isn't usually the idea that he'll be superhumanly good at it. Next, the idea of them being placed at odds by their titles comes to mind. Like, maybe the Togami Corporation is up to some harmful practices and Makoto is the Ultimate Environmentalist, or the Ultimate Activist, and he tries to appeal to Byakuya's better nature, and also it's really funny to think "The Ultimate Environmentalist saves the planet by accidentally romancing the most influential CEO." Boy, I started this point planning to say "but instead", but now I've kind of talked myself into this one. I think I like this dynamic?? Makoto just trying to reason with him, Byakuya reading him as some wide-eyed idealist at first, but Makoto is able to parry everything he says, and they have a Vibe, and then they're dating, and Byakuya really likes him, but if he actually makes the changes that Makoto is passionate about, he's worried Makoto will leave him because a part of him has thought that Makoto was just using him the whole time.

(Also, hey, it's me from after I finished the rest of this post. Yeah, the answer I give for Naezono also applies here.)

Naegiri:

I am pretty charmed by the idea of him being something that stands at odds with Ultimate Detective, like Ultimate Accomplice (and there are a lot of ways he could be someone who deliberately or accidentally keeps people from getting in trouble while she's trying to find out the truth no matter what), but it seems more aligned with the spirit of the ship if he gets something that pairs well with detective, like "Ultimate Lip-Reader". That one would probably involve a lot of him tagging along on the field with her, offering his thoughts and insights and telling her what people are saying in silent security footage. Alternatively, any Ultimate where she's doing the field work as a detective and he's doing the office and/or people-facing side is cool, so "Ultimate Secretary" would actually be pretty great for this ship. (That one fic, Smile at the Mouth of Despair, had him doing file work and stuff, and I kind of love that; it's what I'm visualizing for this point. I like him sorting files and taking calls.)

Komaegi:

Is "Ultimate Friend" cheating? Yeah, that's cheating. I kind of like Ultimate Survivalist, maybe, where people expect him to be really strong and cool, but he's just a somewhat clumsy little guy who just happens to regularly dodge heavy projectiles and happen to have the exact thing he needs in his backpack. (This could include him knowing aikido, since we all love Aikido Makoto, lol.) The way this would intersect with Nagito is, in any given plane crash or house fire or explosion, Makoto theoretically should be safe and able to help Nagito out. I say theoretically because there is a part of me that thinks Nagito's luck would have to kill the Ultimate Survivalist. I don't always subscribe to the theory that his luck does the least likely thing (whether it's good or bad), but I do think that an Ultimate Survivalist, even if the talent works exactly like Makoto's normal luck, would be tempting fate just by being called that.

Honestly, while I said that the highly social aspect of Makoto's character didn't need to be emphasized for Izuru, I feel it definitely does for Nagito, hence the "Ultimate Friend" idea. But I'm thinking maybe a service role that Makoto can have a decidedly healthy approach to, like Ultimate Barista? Is there a word for someone who picks up litter? Because I love the idea of Makoto's Ultimate being focused on cleaning up after people, but him having an overall more generous and friendly outlook on them than Nagito. Maybe Makoto is the Ultimate Custodian, and a lot of people expect him to resent people who drop trash, but he's more, "I'm glad I can help out. Sometimes people are busy or make mistakes, and I'm glad I can keep our shared spaces clean. I meet a lot of interesting people! For example..."

A talent that positions him to know when something's off with Nagito even if he doesn't say anything, like "Ultimate Body Language Expert", would theoretically be cool, because it would allow for Makoto to comfort him when he really needs it, but that also feels a little bit like cheating, lol.

(Him being the Lucky Student, Ultimate Hope, or talentless honestly work best for Nagito, in my opinion, but these are still fun dynamics to explore.)

Naenami:

Oooh, maybe Ultimate Game-Breaker? This is kind of a fusion of bad luck and gamer, where he will reliably find the bug in any game always. Maybe too similar. I think what I'm picturing for them right now is Makoto having a YouTube channel or Twitch channel where he talks about stuff he likes. Like, maybe a CinemaWins kind of thing, but unscripted, where he's actually rambling to the camera. That way, we get a dynamic where Chiaki makes Let's Plays and Makoto makes just general positive vlog content. They try out a new game together, and Makoto is raving about how cool it is and Chiaki's like, "It's fun. The crafting mechanic is a little buggy, and they didn't really integrate it into any storyline. Yeah, it's a pretty good new release." I'm going to say he mostly vlogs, so I can call him Ultimate Positivity Vlogger instead of having to find a way word all of that in one Ultimate title, lol.

Naezono:

Ultimate Stage Hand or Light Technician could be fun. Maybe Ultimate Celebrity Interviewer, and they have one conversation that is just so incredible that she never stops thinking about it. He has a way of really making the people he interviews feel seen and cared about, and that's just so unusual in the entertainment industry that Sayaka falls head over heels. (He doesn't know he has this effect.)

Naekusaba:

Ooh, I'm feeling something in the ballpark of Ultimate Bookkeeper, or just any collection-type Ultimate. Something unassuming in the eyes of pretty much everyone. Here's why: Making him a passionate collector of [something] means we can have Mukuro often shyly gifting him one of [that thing] that she found while she was out doing soldier stuff. He gets to nervously ask, "You didn't kill someone for that, did you?" and she gets to lie, "No, I bought it," or "No, I found it." Also, it means maybe one day Mukuro knocks on his door bleeding, injured, with nowhere else to go, being followed by enemies, and Makoto hides her in his home which is full of collected things and enemy soldiers show up at his house like "Have you seen [description of Mukuro]?" and he's like, "No, I'm here alone. No one's been here." And the enemy soldiers barge in anyway to search the place, but in all his collected things, they can't find Mukuro, so they leave and he brings her some food and water and does his best to bandage her up (or she just stitches up her own wound), and she notices that he has a little bruise or scratch from when the enemy soldiers pushed him aside to search the place, and she's so sorry she brought danger to his door.

Naejunko:

I think Ultimate Hope is already perfect for that one. Alternatively, though, something like "Ultimate World Ender" or some similar thing positioning him as potentially usable to her. It would follow the same rules as "Ultimate Rule-Breaker", though, where the whole point is that he prioritizes others' wellbeing over any establishment, so it would be a situation where Junko tries to make use of his talent for destroying organizations from within (because that's the essence of his talent, here; he's really good at dismantling organizations), but it doesn't work because he's not just out there destroying things; his priority is to help people, and he was titled the way he was because those running the establishments that do harm were seeing him from their own perspectives. Junko can't get the Ultimate World Ender (or whatever else his title is) to end the world, and he's actually a pretty big inconvenience for her.

Or "Ultimate Barista" again. She's talking about her despair plans with Mukuro in some cafe, and Makoto brings them their coffee or tea, like, "Are you guys writing a book?" and casually weighs in on "plot elements" that interest or confuse him, accidentally helping Junko make her plan better. She keeps inviting him to their table for more artistic feedback, and he's having a great time talking with them. They become regulars, and he memorizes Mukuro's order and, even though Junko always orders something different, he seems to somehow intuit the kinds of flavors she enjoys and makes great recommendations. She's in love.

[baenyth]

First Half of Miraculous Season 2 Done. Here's my thoughts:

The Collector: A pretty good start! They made the teens smart while still being dumb teens!

Despair Bear: Chloe needs a therapist, arguably moreso than a redemption arc and especially a downward villainous spiral. Also Dangit Grandpa

Prime Queen: Wow, this was a lot more chill than expected. Even Cat Noir was left aghast at what Nadja was doing, Nadja seemed to be pressuring Ladybug and Cat Noir more for views than anything else, and I'm not entirely sure Akuma personalities can be trusted.

Befana: Fun fact: This was the episode that got me into Miraculous in the first place because of how shocking it was. And then I discovered even more. In hindsight from watching the other episodes, it was relatively darker, but mostly because it's Marinette's friends and family that are getting G-rated killed instead of random civilians like every other episode.

Riposte: Kagami is here! I don't see too much chemistry with her and Adrien yet, but she's cool and I like her and feel like I could be friends in real life. Also this feels like a relatively uncommon trope, but I wish "X is blatantly a woman but no one notices" was spedran through by someone with brains.

Robustus: Pretty good, all things considered. From what I've heard about Miraculous lore, creating sapient or at the very least semi-sapient AI isn't that uncommon for weirdness hotspots, and I'm putting Max in the list of characters I think should have figured out Ladybug and Cat Noir's identity. (There's four now!)

Gigantitan: It turns out my favorite parts of Miraculous are the slice-of-life bits instead of the superhero bits the show is about! We got to see more of Marinette's friends! Alix! Mylene! Julie! The Eeby Deeby herself! Also it was really sweet to see Adrien's bodyguard calm down just by looking at the kid. Adrien's true daddy.

Dark Owl: No wonder these two aren't allowed to know eachothers' identities, considering how much of a loose tongue Marinette has!

Glaciator: Alright, it's finally time to talk about the sins of Marinette and Cat Noir, considering the fan content I osmosed before watching the series was heavy salt stuff, and I wanna see how much it holds up. So far Cat Noir has acted as if he's already dating Ladybug previously, and in this episode he got mad at Ladybug for not showing up at a date when she herself said she might not come due to having other plans. Isn't he supposed to be used to not-showing-up disappointment as Adrien due to his dad? Is it different because he's Cat Noir? Is this a breaking point? No matter, he eventually calms down and is ultimately the less bad member of the relationship. Marinette, meanwhile, doesn't have as many misdemeanors to her name but they're a lot worse. She stole Adrien's phone to get rid of an embarrassing message and got away with it too, what the hell, and also owns the schedule. Although I don't believe she stalked Adrien and made it herself due to how busy she is as both Marinette and Ladybug, that's just weird and wrong. I'm reluctant to call her a stalker, but her actions are still wrong. Ultimately, this relationship is going to need a lot of therapy and counseling to not crash and burn. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. The ice cream episode. I think the ice cream guy can be wrong and he doesn't understand that.

Sapotis: Silly little fun episode, also it introduces the first new Miraculous holder! I'm honestly fine with it so far if it means more screentime for side characters. I honestly really like seeing Marinette's classmates. They're neat. Also I was this close to putting Alya on the list but she proves time and time again that she doesn't actually know Ladybug's identity.

Gorizilla: In this episode we are introduced to Adrien's deranged parasocial fanbase. I'm starting to understand some of his father's decisions at this point. This is what I was talking about with the schedule, by the way. These obsessive stalker creeps make Marinette look reasonable, and I wouldn't be surprised if the one guy who I'm pretty sure becomes Party Crasher discreetly stalked Adrien to get his schedule. Restraining orders need to be filed.

Captain Hardrock: One of the funniest episodes, up there with Dark Cupid. Also Luka is here! And he already has great chemistry with Marinette! And more Rosie and Julie content even if it's crumbs!

[crazyk-imagine]

Hey! I just read your Jamie Tartt fic where the reader is pregnant and I freaking loved it! It kind of got me thinking about Jamie bringing his little girl, cause he’s totally gonna be a girl dad, to the pitch for practice. She’s like 4 or 5, really young and wearing a Tartt jersey and has the entire team wrapped around her finger, especially Roy.. bonus if her favorite player is someone else on the team, any of them, and Roy and Jamie get jealous… if you could write it great! If not no worries! Thanks for the consideration! 🥰🥰

Abdicated Family Issues

Pairing: Jamie Tartt x Pregnant!Reader

Characters: Jamie Tartt, Pregnant!reader, Tartt Toddler, Baby Tartt, Roy Kent, Dani Rojas, Jan Maas (briefly mentioned)

Warnings: Fluff, Jamie being a dramatic bitch, Jealous Roy and Jamie, Toddler Tartt bouncing off the walls because of her fun day at dad's work, Roy didn't ask for this, he didn't plan on being involved, Jamie being a sad little baby thinking his baby girl doesn't like him (anymore), Jamie and Roy need comforting, reader becomes their therapist for a second, Dani being a sweetheart (ofc)

Word Count: 1,432

A/N: Ahhh, love, love, love it!! I thought who better to make Jamie just a little jelly than Dani aka the other ace on the team. Roy being involved and jelly is a plus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You smile when you get a text from your boyfriend.

Baby 💕

"Leaving now. Will be home soon" 2:19pm Sent Read

Darling 💓

"See you two soon 💕" 2:27pm Sent Read

-

As soon as you get comfortable your boyfriend lays beside you. “How am I supposed to feel?” Jamie whines to you, crawling onto your lap.

“Can you back-up to the beginning of your story? I have no idea what’s happened, and you pretended like I came onto the field with you," you tell him, rubbing your slowly growing belly.

He smiles and adjusts himself so he lays by your side, head resting on your shoulder so he can also rub your belly.

"Tell me why you look like my sad Jaim."

"She-"

"Dani is so cool!"

You glance away from your excited and jumpy daughter to your even more depressed boyfriend.

"Why don't you tell your mum what you told me?" Ron's voice echoes throughout the hallway as he closes the front door.

"Dani did this really cool move and- and-"

You try and shush, "babes. Babes." You sigh when you don't get her attention. "Honey, take a breath and breathe. I want to hear about your exciting day, but you can only do it if you talk a little slower."

She stares at you.

Roy grabs a seat on one of the chairs you keep out for company (because the team comes over more often than you'd like, right now being pregnant; they take a lot of you). "Why don't you tell her more about the fun you had today?"

"Jan's really tall and gave me piggyback rides while dad was practicing, even though he should have been too."

"You made it fun, Baby Tartt."

You furrow your brows, unsure of who said that.

Roy shrugs and mouths, "phone."

Jamie slumps further into your side.

You open your arms, wanting to pull your baby girl in for a hug and make a poor attempt at trying to get the phone before your chatty girl drops it.

Meaning you two would need to buy another phone (your goal is to make it last six more months).

The screen shifts to the ceiling before Dani's face pops up. "Hi. How are you? Do you need some of my family's special pregnancy soup?"

You smile and shake your head. "No, thank you, Danny. I appreciate the offer though."

"Of course, of course."

"So, how was today's practice? I hope it was alright."

"Oh, it was great. Baby Tartt shows promise to follow in her father's footsteps."

"Oh, does she?"

He nods, "yes, yes. I showed her a few moves and-"

"More like took her attention from me," Jamie grumbles.

Roy scoffs.

You shake your head, wanting to listen to what Dani's saying without commentary from the peanut gallery.

It only lasts two minutes longer until you can't take it anymore.

"Dani- dani- I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little nauseous and I don't want to keep you any longer. I know you have other things to do. I'm sure we'll talk more soon."

"Alright, I’ll leave you to rest. I know how much a woman in your condition needs her rest, especially with Jamie’s baby.”

Your boyfriend beside you grumbles, “what does that mean?”

“You are a good football player, meaning you have strong kicks.”

He doesn’t respond but you do know that Dani’s comment uplifted his mood just a little bit.

“I hope you have a good rest of your evening and get plenty of rest,” the excited player waves to you.

Your daughter leans in, waving. “Bye, Dani! I’ll come by so we can practice more.”

“That is good to hear. I can’t wait until your next visit.”

You end the call and look up. “Sweetie?”

Jamie and your daughter look at you; you pat your boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Not you, J.” You glance back at your adorable baby girl. “Can you go get me my special blanket? I’m feeling a little cold.”

She nods, “okay.”

“I can help-”

You shake your head, “nope. Neither of you are leaving this room until you confess.”

“Confess? Confess what?” Jamie asks.

“You know what. You two have never looked more upset and depressed at the same time. I want to know why so I can help you.”

Roy clenches his jaw.

“You don’t have to say much, Roy. But you, my dear Jaim, have to give me something so I can figure out whether or not a hug will suffice for right now.”

He groans and removes himself from you, throwing himself onto the other side of the couch. “She likes him more.”

Your head snaps over at the gruff man. “What?”

He sighs, “your future athlete, liked Dani more than she liked her dad on the field today.”

“And you,” Jamie points at him. “Don’t throw me under the bus and expect me to just sit here and let you-”

You grab Jamie’s hand, intertwining your fingers, “stop it. There’s no need to fight.”

The older man crosses his arms. “But it’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair? I need you to explain to me because I have no idea what it is or how to help you.”

“She wanted to practice more with Dani than she did me. I mean, how does that make sense? How is that fair? I’m her fuckin’ dad, you know.”

A small smile tugs at the corner of your lips. “Jaim, you shouldn’t feel that way.” You brush away the hair that falls in front of his eyes.

“How else am I supposed to feel? Made me feel like- I don’t know.”

“You do know but I won’t push you because I know it’s the fact that Roy’s here. But please don’t worry about that-”

“Well, how else am I supposed to feel?”

You sigh. “Jamie, she’s wearing your number and has your name on the back of her jersey. She may want to hang out with him a few times but you’re her dad. You’re her number one player.”

Roy clearing his throat makes you roll your eyes, “and you as well, you big baby.”

The gruff man smirks in return, not wanting you to know how that makes him feel (special).

You return your attention to your boyfriend. “You are the reason she loves the sport, without you, who knows what she’d be obsessed with other than her toys, you know. I mean, you helped her find her future.”

He finally looks at you for the first time since he got home. “I did?”

You nod, smiling at him. “Of course, you fucking did because you are Jamie Tartt. Best girl dad ever, Jamie Tartt.”

He cups your cheek before leaning in to kiss you.

You pull back with a gasp as a wide smile dances across your lips.

“What is it?”

“Someone’s also trying to show you that they’re your number one fan with their strong kicks.” You grab his hand and hold it over the spot.

The exciting moment between you two is broken when a certain ex-player’s hand hovers over your belly.

“Come here, you quiet old man.”

“Oi.”

You raise a brow at him.

“I’m not that old.”

“I found it.”

You all turn to find your daughter trapped underneath the blanket.

“Roy, go help her before she trips, please.”

Your boyfriend takes this opportunity to whisper sweet promises to the baby.

Once your daughter is free and can see properly, she watches the two of you. “What are you two doing?”

“Your sibling is kicking,” he tells her.

Her eyes widen and she rushes towards you, wanting to feel the kicks as well.

Jamie grabs her hand so the two of them can feel the baby kicking together.

You glance over at Roy, who’s set the blanket off the side; he waves at you before leaving.

“Are you two having fun?”

They nod, not wanting to break their concentration.

You groan, throwing your head back.

“What? What is it?” Jamie asks, worried something’s wrong.

“You two keep pushing the baby onto my bladder and guess what?”

“I’ll help you up.” He gets you up with no problems. He leans closer to your ear, whispering, “all you need to do is ask, darling.”

You narrow your eyes to him. “Really? You really want to get cheeky with me, Tartt.”

He only smiles and walks with you to the bathroom.

“Go spend time with your daughter before she’s old enough to go out on dates.”

“Don’t do that to me.” And he’s back in the living room.

You chuckle, finding it too easy to rile him up.

[jae-bummer]

Drink Well

Request: Hi, this is kind of a weird request but still. so i think that you know that changkyun (monsta x ofc) was on youngji's show, i wanted to request an imagine with him coming with his idol s/o bcz they're relationship was recently published (and this is optional but y/n is older and his sunbae) and they just have rlly cute moments and the staff and youngji are just fangirling and other stuff like that (u can just wing it, and also If ur comfy can changkyun call y/n noona If u do make her older and his sunbae?) Srry this is so long but i love ur writing so yeh ig byee<33

Pairing: Monsta X Changkyun x female reader

Genre: Fluff

.

You inhaled another too short breath as you balled your fists at your sides. Closing your eyes, you tried to count backwards, not entirely sure if that was one of the coping mechanisms your therapist had advised or not.

Gently unfolding your fingers, Changkyun interlaced his hand with yours. Remaining quietly by your side, you looked up at him with a sad smile. "I'm nervous."

"That's understandable," he hummed. "This is our first appearance as a couple."

You nodded slowly, chewing on your lip as you looked up at the small buzzer that would lead you up into Youngji's apartment.

"Do you regret going public?"

With the speed you turned toward Changkyun, you were surprised your neck didn't crack. "Absolutely not."

"Just wanted to double check," he smirked, squeezing your hand for emphasis. "But I promise you, this is likely one of the best places to go first."

"But you said..." you trailed. "You said Youngji...she's a lot."

"That doesn't mean she isn't kind," Changkyun cooed. "She's going to poke fun, but she understands."

You nodded again, having no choice but to put trust in your partner.

"Noona," he whispered softly in your ear, causing a shiver to make its way down your spine. "Do you need me to protect you?"

Your eyes grew wide as you swiveled toward him again.

"Are you two coming or are you going to make eyes at each other all evening?!" the small speaker box complained, making you jump.

Turning away from Changkyun's amused smirk and toward the small device on the wall, you smiled sheepishly. "Coming!"

Youngji buzzed the two of you in, and you fell behind Changkyun so he could lead the way.

"You're an absolute terror," you muttered, eye level with his butt as he traipsed up the stairs.

"Sorry," your boyfriend called over his shoulder. "I didn't catch that. It sounded an awful lot like an insult, but surely that couldn't be right."

"Oh, you must have misheard," you hummed. "I would never insult you, jagi."

Coming to a halt at the top step, he hit you with one of his mischievous grins. "I'm like a plant that needs to be watered. I need at least five compliments a day to sustain my existence. Insults only make me wilt."

"And who am I to keep you from hitting your daily quota?" you said casually, trying to bite back a giggle. "Your hairstyle today really makes your nose look smaller."

"Ah, yes," he nodded. "You really make me feel like I'm thriving."

Pushing him playfully in the arm, you both erupted into laughter.

"I WANT TO LAUGH!" a familiar voice cut through.

Looking up, you were surprised to find your host for the day with her door already open. She grinned widely at Changkyun before her eyes settled on you. "Y/N!"

"Youngji!" you laughed, only slightly taken back by her direct manner.

Launching forward, she clutched your hands in hers, eyes round as she spoke quickly. "I'm so excited to have you here. It's fine that you brought Changkyun, but I want you to know that you're who I really want to talk to."

"Thanks," you heard Changkyun deadpan. Sliding off his shoes, he waddled his way around the two of you, and set the brown paper bag full of drinks you had brought on the table.

"Ah, you know I'm kidding!" Youngji gasped. "Don't be so moody!"

"I wouldn't be moody if your jokes were better," Changkyun said, mocking Youngji's whiny tone.

"I can get Y/N to slap you now," Youngji said sternly, throwing a thumb in your direction. "I have no qualms with violence."

"Hey, hey," you laughed, stepping between the two. "I don't need my boyfriend fighting my newest friend."

"Oh my gosh," Youngji cooed, bringing her interlaced hands to her heart. "I don't know what part I'm more excited about, being your friend, or finding out all about your relationship!"

""All about" is not the intention here," Changkyun hummed, plopping onto the bench on the opposite side of the table. "Finding out a little will be more than enough."

Doing a happy dance, Youngji motioned for you to sit beside Changkyun. You took the cushion directly to his right and smiled. "We brought some things."

Youngji nodded as she began to shuffle through the bag. "I love it when guests bring hangover cures."

"It's necessary," you laughed. "I'm not getting any younger and hangovers stick with me all day. He can drink until the sun rises and feel nothing at all."

"Not that I do drink until the sun rises," Changkyun said, cutting his eyes at you.

"Oh, that will be the rumor we'll run with today then," Youngji giggled, pulling out a bottle of rum you had picked out. "What's this?"

"A rum I like to drink at home," you nodded. "I figured I would bring something I was used to."

"So, you can drink well and watch us fall apart?" Youngji gasped. "You villain!"

"No, no," you laughed, holding your hands in the air between the two of you. "I think everyone will drink it well."

After pouring drinks and laying out some food from the day's sponsors, Youngji settled into her chair. Setting her elbows on the table, and her chin in her palms, she looked at the two of you adoringly. "I have never seen a better suited couple."

"Thank you," you laughed, looking towards Changkyun who already had a mouthful of food. "That's nice to hear."

"I'm sure you've been getting all the positive and negative since you two have gone public," Youngji nodded.

"Mmm," Changkyun agreed. "There's been a lot of beautiful commentary from fans. Other things I've read, I'd rather forget about."

"It shouldn't matter as long as the two of you are happy," Youngji clucked, taking a swig of her drink. "Now, how did you meet?"

You looked to your lap, your face already heating. You knew that these types of questions would come up today, but no amount of preparation could have gotten you ready for your real time feelings.

"She's your sunbae," Youngji said mischievously. "Was it formal when you met for the first time?"

"I was her fan," Changkyun said with a small smile. "We first met at an awards show backstage. I asked one of my members who had met Y/N before to introduce us."

"He was so shy," you giggled, remembering the moment fondly. "And stiff. I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood and he laughed so loudly that one of the PD's called for him to quiet down."

"You were trying to impress her!" Youngji gasped, looking accusatorily at Changkyun.

"Of course, I was!" he groaned. "You would too!"

"I would," Youngji smiled, abashed.

"Stop," you laughed. "I've just been in the industry a little longer. It doesn't mean I'm intimidating."

"Speak for yourself!" Changkyun argued. "You see your face every day in the mirror, I don't know why you're surprised!"

This caused the small congregation that made up Youngji's crew to giggle.

"See!" Changkyun continued, motioning toward them. "You have a certain effect on people."

"I'm pretty sure they were laughing at how cute you were being," Youngji corrected.

"You're very cute," you agreed. "But you come off so serious at first."

"What happened after you were introduced?" Youngji poked.

"I blacked out and somehow asked her to exchange numbers with me," Changkyun smirked.

"You didn't black out," you said with a startled laugh. "You sent your manager back after you had already left."

"You couldn't do it yourself?" Youngji chided. "What kind of man are you?"

"A nervous one!" Changkyun whined, taking a long drink. "I couldn't handle potentially being told no."

"Who texted who first?" Youngji asked.

"Funny story about that," you grimaced.

"She pocked dialed me," Changkyun said, his expression immediately brightening. "I had a missed call when I checked my phone and saw it was Y/N. I was so excited when I called back and she said, "Oh, no. I didn't call.""

This caused the entire room to burst into noise. The ever-present heat on your skin seemed to grow even warmer. Burying your face in Changkyun's shoulder, you shuttered with silent laughter.

"I was too proud to just accept being blown off," Changkyun continued. "So I told her that she should call me purposefully next time."

Leaning away from your boyfriend, you hiccuped. "As soon as he hung up, I called him back."

"Oh my gosh," Youngji cooed. "And the rest was history?"

"Pretty much," you confessed. "From that night, we talked on the phone quite often. During our schedules, we'd text a lot. Then we finally decided to start meeting."

"What made you decide to go public with your relationship?" Youngji asked, growing a bit serious as she listened in earnest.

"Slinking around and hiding something that you feel so strongly is tiring," you sighed.

Changkyun nodded, taking your hand in his. "Not just tiring, but almost...dehumanizing?"

"Because everyone deserves romantic love," Youngji nodded along as well. "And to feel like you don't because of your profession...that makes total sense."

"Having to bundle up and pretend I wasn't myself when I wanted to go to his apartment," you said quietly. "Or having to get private rooms at exclusive restaurants. There was honestly no in between."

"Do you think it was worth it though?" Youngji asked, genuinely curious.

"I think so," Changkyun said quickly, looking toward you as he awaited confirmation.

"I do too," you agreed. "I love him. I want everyone to know that I love him. He deserves to have everyone know."

"Aigoo," Youngji chimed, hugging herself. "I suddenly feel very, very single."

You smiled, letting out your first deep breath since you had arrived at the building. Changkyun was right. Youngji got it and didn't poke fun at the idea of the two of you feeling the things you did. Whether the world would agree when they watched her show was another question, but that was a worry for another day.

Who cares what everyone else thinks? You were living your life for you.

Today was meant for getting drunk and being happy.

[magicratfingers]

hey! when you say you're doing konmari, what specifically *are* you doing? is it one of her books or a course or smth?? a lot of the struggles you've talked about working through with all of this are similar to ones I struggle with so I'm interested in giving something like that a shot!!

Hiiiii!!!! I’m followin her book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The whole deal! I started it with just whatever info was free on the internet but actually bought the book a bit into the process. The daily posts were to be silly but it became pretty nice to look back & stay with it. So I admit maybe I didn’t really do the first step “envision the life you want” part very deeply actually what even are the rules

Ok

Rule 1 yeah ok I was pretty excited to start I had always wanted to try it I once met a woman at a party who said everything she owned could fit in one box and I thought that sounded so cool and I just really wanted to do something kinda “big” I was feelin pretty stuck pretty overwhelmed and also Marie calls it a “Tidying Festival” which is so goofy and sweet

Rule 2 ok I kinda didn’t do much work here it was more like “idk man who even am I let’s find out” I had done something similar for a “nutritional therapist” (kinda bullshit but I don’t regret it) once and found it difficult so I really just have uh a brain feeling of ease and playfulness I’m thinking of as a lazy Sunday energy

Rule 3 I do get a bit stuck here in that I don’t always know where I want to put my stuff so I find myself doing some surprise deep cleaning. But! This means I’ve cleaned a ton of areas without wanting to cry or barf and it feels weird to admit as a grown ass gender but it’s probably the first time I’ve felt actual pride

Rule 4 - this and 3 are probably the secret sauce for me. It’s a nice structure and it keeps the steps simple enough to not freak out but just challenging enough to wanna do it.

Rule 5 the order did sound a bit random (clothes, books, paper, Komono, sentimental items) but it rips. Clothes are so unavoidably functional and emotional that it really is the easiest. Books are surprisingly aspirational?? Very “I want to be the kind of person that wants to read this” and I had to figure out how to divorce potential from actual appreciation. I did books three times. Like. I can just go to a library such low stakes with discarding books. Paper I wanted to die but what a gift

Rule 6 being the thing that everyone knows. I really have been making myself TOUCH THE ITEM and genuinely thank it. It’s also the part people don’t do?? Which is wild!? It’s so helpful??? Thanking things dissolved all the anxiety and loss aversion or guilt. It was also really fun to pick up something that gives you the giddy and imagine what it could be like to feel that for everything in the house. I mean why not it’s achievable. Oh also people think it’s about minimalism (it’s not) and getting rid of stuff you need (no) or replacing everything with a fancier thing (definitely not)

Oh wow I wrote a lot hahaaa

[gregorygerwitz]

AITA for having a daddy kink?

I (32M) have been with my bf, T (45M) for a few months now, and besides the first date (if you remember my post about that, I'm so sorry for the secondhand embarrassment I caused everyone) everything is going really well! Or at least I thought so.

Last week, my boss (who's kind of like the dad I never had) (he's also my bf's old boss but that's not really relevant) was in the hospital after a cartel burned down his house. He's fine now. Made a full recovery. But T and I met up at my place after I left the hospital so we could have dinner. I finally made this new lasagna recipe just right after trying to figure it out for WEEKS and it was delicious.

We were talking about things while we ate, like we've done on all of our dates, and we started talking about my boss in the hospital. T even asked if I was okay, which is a little weird because I'm not the one who was in a fire or the emergency room, but it was sweet. He's really sweet. He's always checking in to make sure I'm okay and he's not doing anything that makes me uncomfortable, and that's really new, but good! Anyway, talking about my boss (and how he's kinda my dad) made T bring up his rough relationship with his own father, and one of his other old bosses, and I could tell it was a little uncomfortable.

Who likes to talk about their strained relationships with family? I know I don't. I always try to change the subject when anyone tries to talk about my parents with me. So I did that.

All I did was joke that we both have daddy issues - because we do, no matter what he says about it - and it's so easy to just talk to him, you know? So maybe I was a little flirty. Okay, I was a lot flirty, but I just wanted to make him smile because I don't like seeing the people I love upset. And maybe that fed into some innuendos. And maybe we kind of came to the conclusion that I really like calling him "daddy" in bed. I had a really good night after dinner. It was great.

And it was all great. This is the happiest I've been in a really long time. I don't think I've ever been this happy in a relationship, actually. It feels so light and easy and like he actually likes me, not some idea of me or the potential I have to be something else? That's something I'll unpack with my therapist later. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, things were great until I talked about it with my best friend, E (32M) - and I'm trying to take what he's said with a grain of salt, because he's going through a lot of major changes in his life right now, and he probably just wanted me to stop talking about my sex life, but still...

He said that because T made the comment while we were talking about our boss being in the hospital, he was just taking advantage of my childhood trauma to try out a kink. Because we were talking about something pretty serious, he never should have turned things in that direction - flirty and sexual - while I was worried and stressed, and he was totally brushing off how I was feeling in the moment. I thought it was fine in the moment, even fun, but E has known me for the last 6 years and has watched me get into and out of relationships that weren't always good for me, and now I'm worried that he's right and it's happening again. I really trust his opinion and I know he just wants to look out for me.

I guess I just don't know how to feel. I really like T, and he hasn't done anything to hurt me, and I'm happy. But E does see things from a different angle, maybe less biased than I do because I'm in the middle of it. I don't know who to trust more right now. I thought I was the one who made the conversation flirty and brought up the daddy issues to lighten the mood and make us smile more, but is my best friend right? Is T brushing off my feelings and sexualizing our relationship? Or is E just overly protective because I've been hurt in the past?

I guess this isn't really an AITA - Is He (T) The Asshole (IHTA) for joking about my daddy issues hopefully giving me a daddy kink, too, in the middle of a dinner date?

[weird-bookworm]

𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗞 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗙𝗥𝗢𝗠 𝗔 𝗪𝗘𝗜𝗥𝗗 𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗠 ♥︎

this year has been crazy, to say the least. i'd write a long ass message, but actually, each and every single one of my moots deserves their own

so here goes

@silversailormoan- you were my first moot, and i still don't have a name for you. all i know is that i am eternally grateful you trust me enough to share part of your life with me, and that i'm very glad you went from my fav ao3 bts writer to someone who randomly messages me whenever. thank you

@yrhome- i was shocked when you followed me back actually, but after that you've just poofed off the site. i'm sorry we never got the chance to interact more, because you were one of y fav writers on here. i hope we can get closer this coming year!

@maeleelee- mae mae oh mae you are one of the most special people i know on this hellsite, and that is saying something because i know so many people i love here. you were my first friend on here, as unhinged as me, and with such a friendly and warm personality i almost cried (that is a lie. i have definitely cried because you're too cute. i am not joking). we've shared so many moments here, and you've trusted me so much, it made this year so much more special to me. promise you'll keep being your adorable self next year too, but most of all, promise you'll be happy next year <3

@imagine-a-life-like-this- talking to you for the first time felt like a fever dream, even though i had sent asks before and i was already friend with mae. you have always been a writer i respect and like a lot, specially with your smaus (chef's kiss fr). on top of that you are always so sweet??? hello, is this a dream?? i'm glad we got close enough for me to see your more unhinged persona (which i am in love with) and that i could see your bts debut lmao. let's have even more fun next year

@mxnsxngie- you're so mother istg it's the best thing ever lol. what i've said about you in my moots list is very true, you gives me fairy vibes. you're so pretty and lovable and asdfghjkl i just love you okay? i've loved every single conversation we've had and i lovee how you read my rants and then respond with a veryyy long message with a ton of typos because you're getting ready for work in the morning (thank you for still reading and replying though, you're so busy but you always take out time for me <3) keep being adorable!

@hannieheartuu- i love you. you are always so sweet and kind and sensitive and talented i just wanna cuddle you and keep you in my pocket and call it a day. i get too much cute aggression with you and i get too protective over you, but can you blame me? you've given me so much love and so much trust it warms my heart, so thank you ylli. thank you for being an adorable lil bunny and loving me and letting me love you, let's carry forward this energy <3

@fairyhaos- is it just me but i feel like you don't really need me to tell you how grateful i am and how much i love you, specially after what happened today lmao. but honestly, you were one of the first svt writers i came across, you have always been this really kind angel, and you ranting about shua makes my day in the best way possible. you're talented and adorable and so so reliable, and i'm really grateful for that. i'm glad i can call you my friend and i'm glad that you call me that too

@idubiluv- ah, yes, my virtual didi lmao (you said it, not me). you come here rarely because unlike most of us, you are slightly more responsible. and yet, you are so fucking loved and adored and i just love to see you getting so much affection, because you deserve eevry inch of it. we've had really fun conversations and your pfp always leads me to believe that you are absolutely gorgeous (i remember my sleep riddled brain once thinking that you would sparkle like edward when i'll first meet you...yeah i'm weird ahem anyway) and you have such a sparkly personality to match? heaven indeed

@the-therapist-needs-therapy- i remember us interacting continuously for a while, and then we just stopped, and i don't know why. let's become closer this next year, talking to you was fun.

@babyboyquokka- okay so we've talked a total of 4 times, but it was enough for me to decide that we really need to talk more (i am aware our timings don't really match but i have those rare days i pretend to be an owl and stay up very late so we'll see lmao)

@cadenonlinelive- how did we go from me being scared of you (...don't ask) to me actively teasing you (hello reply to me don't leave me on read) it might have something to do with the fact that the wifeys constantly call you adorable but ahem i do quite agree. i feel like my age plays a big factor why you might not feel the most comfortable with me, but i hope we can become good friends next year :))

@slytherinshua- eeeeeee you're my adorable lil (we are going to ignore the fact that you are taller than me) gremlin who makes me wanna kms but also bae are you okay. you have somehow made me question life within the short (yes i know surprising) period we've known each other, and also made me believe that with determination, anything is possible (like ranking 125 smth idols according to how much you love them). i'm really glad you made our server, because i don't think i would've stayed on this hellsite otherwise lol

@icyminghao- why is it that one of us will start a conversation in the other's askbox and then we just. stop interacting again ∏~∏ i love your work and i'd love to be closer :(( let's become good friends the coming year!

@ryuwonieebae- same as with haru, we talked and then stopped, and i wish we hadn't. i hope life is going well and you're happy :))

@rubywonu- niaaaa my love is it just me or did we barely interact but it still feels like we're already pretty good friends lol? i swear your work sends tingles down my spine it's that cute. you're also my favourite couprang, so i'm gonna take that as a free invite to rant to you about him whenever and wherever hehe (this is me telling you to expect ig reels in your dms i have way too many cheol reels saved)

@mesanthropi- weiwei!! bae you give me so many noni vibes + this-is-one-person-i-wanna-keep-around-for-a-long-time-if-they-will-have-me vibes it's crazy. i love our quirky conversations and i adore your art, but i specially like seeing you in others' inboxes— your asks are always just so cute. also, you are definitely someone i have cute aggression with so (...my pocket is large enough me thinks, you're always welcome)

@wheeboo- okay first and foremost, thank you for inviting me in the server in the first place, it has become a trusted source of entertainment and fun and just general clownery, and who doesn't love that? you and zanna really created a safe space for all of us and i'm so honoured that you even thought to add me there sob. BUT i also read your jun fic before anyone else i was squealing did i tell you? i was sooo excited afghjkl the end line is— thank you for trusting me and being my friend ilyyy

@hanniehaee- bro why did you randomly show up one day with a ridiculous amount of reblogs and disappear off of tumblr altogether WHERE ARE YOU I MISS YOU

@aaniag- hello fellow a little too crazy with the emoticons desi carat have i ever told you i love you? i have? well i don't care! i love you anyways lmao. a, i absolutely adore your random ass asks filled with 218 twins (spare me please), b, i love how you never stop yourself from going crazy with the emojis and emoticons, and c, i am very thankful that you love me so much, please don't stop doing that

@woozvc- noraaaa i feel like we've gotten so close lately, i specially love our little trio with cien hehe ^^ i love love love you and the way we blamed noni for never realising we weren't friends on discord for the longest time shall always make me smile. talking to your bf was adorable and i want you to keep reminding me that i have to write a fic for you, please and thank you!

@eternalgyu- to the awesomest most iconic goddess coded person ever, hello bae hru :D how tf r u so gorgeously stunning tell me the secret please i am so whipped but also, GREMLIN LINE!! you are as unhinged as zanna and that is truly appreciated. also, thank you for getting me into riize (i still need help) (also i will show up to tomorrow's quiz promise) i swear everything's so fun when you're around and i really hope we can get upto even more shenanigans next year mwah!

@welcometomyoasis- shu! adorable pretty shua coded shu! thank you for assigning me soonyoung in your end of the year post, and i meant everything i said in the tags okie? you're shua coded because you're soft and sweet and adorable and talented and i just really love you okie? never stop writing though, it gets me through on the bad days and i love it.

@springdayysworld- you get nothing, i'll see you in school (show up please no leaves allowed)

@mirxzii- look, all i know is that i love your voice, and that i really want you to show up in the server more so we can interact more, let's get closer next year!!

@blue-jisungs- axeeeee thank you thank you thank you for handling my silly little rants, specially yesterday's. your typos are adorable, your jokes are impeccable, your boomerness is lowkey rubbing off on me, and i really hope that i can write like you one day. i wish we can become better friends this coming year and continue being idiots. please don't stop being so axe :D ilysm <3

@haecien- cienciencien my smol tiny little bean i know you're older than me but ignore that please it's so fun to tease you and talk to you and simp with you. everything's just so much more fun with your unfiltered commentary and random rocket pictures (please don't stop). one day i would like to count all your husbands and complain to your bf (when is he asking you out please spare us) but until then, i love you.

@aakomii- i'm still surprised you followed me back tbh, you've always been a writer i've appreciated a lot and i'm glad i made an impression big enough lol, let's become good friends next year!

@etherealyoungk- give me your patience or your talent please, it takes me out every time. another thing i wonder is how are you so calm after stanning kwon soonyoung of all people (what is the secret tell me i need to know) but either way, i hope new year treats both of us well <3

@glosskirt- heheheheh fellow army ilysm we haven't interacted much but i hope we talk more because you're sooo fun <333

@candewlsy- mizu!! let's talk more because we really vibe and i look forward to every meme you send me (and the flirting. gotta love the flirting lmao)

@kkooongie- when you become moots on the last day on the year 😁🥰

[dadzawa-abc]

Hii, I really hope I'm not bothering you with asking this. But I've gotten to see quite a bit of post about age-regression? Is that how I'm supposed to type it?? Sorry if I typed that wrong, especially if that made you uncomfortable. English is not my first language. Anyway, I was wondering, I guess, what age-regression is? Cause like I said, I saw I lot of it, both recently and in the past. But I've also gotten told in the past, well, not any good things about the people who age-regress? I'm not saying I agree with those things I got told. Those weren't any nice things, so yeah. However, if others aren't hurting me, themselves, or other people, then I usually leave most people alone. But in short, I'm curious and want to know more? Cause, well good sources are good. If that's okay? If not, you can just delete and forget about this. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Have a good day or night!

☁️ what is age regression? ☁️

(long post); a TLDR at the bottom

Hey anon! Thank you so much for stopping by to ask your question. I'll be answering it for you today -🧸 Hawks.

first of all, I'd like to say that yes, you did type it right! English isn't our first language either, so we understand! People also may spell "age regression" as "agere" which is just a shorter version of it. So when someone spells it that way, they're the same thing./information

-Now, what is age regression? What's it used for? :

age regression is, in short, a coping mechanism where people may mentally regress to a younger age than themselves physically. Example, let's say person A is an age regressor. They are 20 years old. But regress to a much younger age. Like 3-6 years old. Age regression is very different with every person who does it, so that doesn't mean a single person has to regress the same age. Someone could regress to be a newborn, another can regress to be a middle (which is around 10-teenager age) if I'm not wrong. Anyone can regress to any age, depending the person. Age regression is a healthy way to cope. Age regression is a professional therapist recommended coping mechanism, and it does not hurt the user who does it, or anyone around them. Age regression can also be for fun. Some, if not, majority regressors do regress due to trauma. To restore their childhood that they never had. Or to relive a childhood they wish they had. Whiles others who may do it for fun, doesn't have to use their regression as a coping mechanism. Hey can age regression because hey, it's fun to do! And so it's isn't something that you can only do if you have trauma. Everyone can do it. Trauma related or not

- is age regression harmful/bad?

⚠️ Tw/CW: ageplay talk ⚠️

Not at all! People whom may tell you that "regression is bad because ___!" Is usually the ones who don't do research. Age regression is a safe-for-work coping mechanism. Which means it's never sexual, or a kink. Alot of people who aren't in the community will assume age regression is just a kink thing, and that is untrue! Many people will get "ageplay/ddlg" mixed with age regression. While age regression is never inappropriate, and is appropriate for all ages to do, ageplay is a kink to.. hopefully just something adults do. Ageplay, is a BDSM kink where someone will pretend to be a younger child while their partner, whom they'd usually call: daddy/mommy/whatever title, they will do inappropriate things with them.

Meanwhile, age regression is a lot different. Like I said, agere is a safe for work coping mechanism. And NO little, (which is whom we call someone who age regresses) will pretend to be a child for sexual reasons. When someone age regresses, they mentally revert back to a much younger age and sometimes can't even do things they'd normally do when big (which is what we call them when they aren't in a regressed state anymore). They physically (mentally physically,) regress to an age of a child. And the difference between that and ageplay, someone who participates in ageplay will never mentally regress to a younger age. They pretend to be, for sexual desires and kinks. They do it on purpose for sexual pleasure, while people who age regress can't consent at all when they're little. Since they actually do regress mentally to mostly 10 and under. (But even if they regressed around being in their teens), they still can't consent.

-some popular titles (that you may want to know)

What is a caregiver?: A caregiver, is someone who will take care of the little when they're regressed. A caregiver can take on a father role, mother role, sister, brother, etc. (Solely depending how the little sees them/and how the cg would like to be called)

What is a little?: A little is someone who age regresses

What is a flip?: A flip, is someone who regresses, AND is a caregiver.

what is a pet?: While I'm not saying pets are the same as age regression, it does exist. An age regressor may regress, but may also be a pet regressor (or) someone isn't a little but be a pet regressor instead. pet regressors has very similar concept with age regression. While age regressors regress to a younger age mentally, pet regressors will regress to an animal. (Ex; cat, dog, bird, deer, dragon, fawn, list goes on) and just like age regression, is SFW

TLDR; Age regression is a SFW coping mechanism that is therapist recommended and is not at all harmful to them, or others. Age regression can also be used for fun and doesn't have to be trauma based to regress. All ages, genders, sexualities, races can regress. Age regress is for everyone and isn't something only feminine, petite or hot pink lovers can enjoy. Everyone can regress no matter what anyone says about it.

I don't know alot of resources to direct you to, but I wouldn't really recommend google either. Google is a "trust me bro" and "he said she said" deal. It'll tell you false things and it'll mix age regression with something completely different. But I find # agere resources tag a very helpful place to scroll in. So I'd recommend checking there if anything answers anymore questions you have. Hope this answers your question, anon. Feedback is amazing so if you have any more questions or anything, let me know