#no it really doesn't matter and it's not important

[pnutbutter-n-j-elyy]

They Unknowingly Bring Up and Insecurity| Seungmin Pt2

Pt1

Seungmin sat in the living room with the guys while you were in the kitchen with Lee Know preparing something for your guy's weekly hangout. You all decided on playing monopoly together, with you and Seungmin partnering up.

Bangchan carefully set up the board while Felix was handing out the money.

"Seungmin hyung." Jeongin asked as he handed his elder the thimble to him.

"Is Y/N okay? She's been really quiet. She won't even talk to me." Jeongin's face was droopy as he stuck his lip out. "I was wondering if she was upset about something?"

Seungmin took a breath and spoke quietly. His voice soft and rather sad.

"I think I said something that hurt her feelings really bad." His voice was starting to wobble a bit, and that told Jeongin all he needed to know.

"Did you say sorry?"

Seungmin nodded and his cheeks puffed out slightly as he pouted. "She said she was okay but I don't believe her."

Jeongin grabbed the hat and messed with it. "Well, what did you say to her?" He inquired.

Seungmin pulled out his phone and scrolled up to his texts with you. Which it didn't take long for him to scroll up because you hadn't been texting him as often. He only heard from you for important or urgent things, and he was missing the little random blurbs of somewhat unnecessary - but entirely endearing - information about what you were doing.

He handed his phone to Jeongin and the maknae quickly read it through.

"Hyung, you know why Y/N and her last boyfriend broke up right...?"

Seungmin shook his head and Jeongin opened his mouth to speak but you walked in with Minho with a tray of snacks.

"Did Minho teach you how to make something new?" Chan asked you. Seungmin could tell the rest of the guys had picked up on your odd silence, but you nodded.

"Kinda...he taught me how to set a charcuterie board. It's pretty."

You set it down and Jisung immediately went to go grab something.

"MMM Y/N THIS IS SO GOOD!!" He popped a piece of cheese into his mouth and his cheeks puffed up. "You need to teach me now!!"

The effort Jisung had given to get you to respond was in vain.

"Jiji, I just grabbed the cheese from a package..."

The wide eyed quokka boy scratched his neck. "Oh um. Its still good though."

Throughout the first thirty minutes of you guys playing, minimal conversation was made and Seungmin was feeling antsy.

He missed your voice.

When you stood up to go to the bathroom and go restock the snack supply all the guys turned to you.

"Seungmin apologize. I miss my baby girl..." Jisung whined.

Seungmin deadpanned and Jisung frowned. "What she was my baby girl before she became your baby girl..."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to fix it! I don't know what I did wrong really..."

"Hyung, her boyfriend broke up with her because of her tendency to overshare...and you know...talk a lot."

Seungmin's puppy eyes narrowed as his eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"It was a stupid reason to break up really. She only told me because one time she was feeling insecure when we were hanging out and some lady told me that 'my girlfriend talked a lot'; which I told her that I wasn't dating her but also that it didn't matter because I talk a lot too." Jeongin frowned.

Seungmin blinked a few times and bit his bottom lip.

"I don't think she's upset at you Seungmin..." Changbin spoke. "From what I see it seems like she's trying not to be a burden."

"Burden?"

"She doesn't want you to break up with her so she's trying to change that aspect about herself. You're naturally a quiet person and she probably thinks she's too much for you and that you'll get tired of it."

Seungmin shook his head. "No! I could never get tired of Y/N-ie!"

Chan chuckled. "You guys really are perfect for each other." He says, marveling in his work. "But...tone doesn't translate over text."

"And you're a sarcastic motherfucker." Minho adds.

Hyunjin stretches across the floor. "You can say that again."

Jisung huffs. "Well go on and apologize! Because I want my gossip buddy back! She never finished telling me about the drama on her mom's side of the family! I was invested in which side piece got her cousin pregnant!"

Hyunjin shoots up, sniffing the drama. "Ya! Seungmin fix it! I want to know now too!"

Seungmin looked down at the board as he contemplated just how he could fix this.

Because sometimes words weren't the cure.

But actions were.

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Sorry for the short work 🫠. But in all the drafts of my 3 part angst series (oops theres more?) the 2nd part tends to be shorter since its the down hill of the plot.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

🤔 Admittedly I was a little disappointed by the reveal (but certainly not surprised the foreshadowing was heavy in this episode lol), but not actually against how Beth (and Will) seem to be playing with it thus far- which is to say that I do think it has a lot of potential, and I suspect there's more to what we're seeing).

;) Big ol' ramble below

Mostly the theory has turned me off until now (at least insofar as I've witnessed it transpire in the fandom at large) because it struck me as so painfully ironic to see Trudy, a 1950s housewife, struggle to exist under the system that she's in, fail to fit the mold assigned to her, and be denied her personhood very literally for it (this being ironic insofar as how it mimics how she would have been treated back then). This and because frankly I just think she's a lot less interesting if she's fully a robot LOL, but I'll hopefully get to that in a bit.

Not that the hints at her mechanical nature and the relevance of Tucker's background were lost on me; I can appreciate why those would contribute to a plausible, fun and I think still mostly harmless theory (now fact). However, minus one or two specific posts I've seen on the matter (namely a recent one suggesting that if Trudy is a robot Beth is probably taking inspiration from The Stepford Wives, :( sorry person who made that post I couldn't find it I wanted to credit yoouuu), I've seen the theory just about exclusively presented in a manner that, rather than explore the metaphorical and political significance of Trudy being partially or fully mechanical, at best disregards the parts of her narrative that are at their core about sexism (among other related things), and at worst negates them entirely (i.e. Trudy only thinking and acting how she does because she's a robot malfunctioning and not because the world itself is causing harm and she rightfully wants something more than the role she was forced into, Trudy not even having any real thoughts and feelings of her own, etc.). I just think it kind of sucks to shove all those important things about her aside and say "actually, there's no person suffering here, she's just a robot" and perhaps worse yet to imply that she does have thoughts and feelings but because they result in Weird™ behavior it must be a problem with her code and not at all relate to what women were subjugated to during this point in American history.

CONVERSELY I don't think Trudy being a robot (or at least partially one) at least from what Beth and Will have presented us thus far, inherently suffers from any of these issues? First and foremost because Trudy definitely appears to possess sentience, thoughts, and emotions of her own, matters which immediately complicate her degree of personhood and don't inherently box her behavior in as a bug in her programming rather than an issue with the world she's been put in, quite the opposite in fact! I think they have a very solid groundwork laid out here to make a strong statement with Trudy's narrative (and perhaps ask the question of what is really malfunctioning here), all the more so since [I pull out a Rebecca Swallows-style conspiracy board] I don't think she's entirely robotic in nature? Actually you should just read Mack's tags in this post cause he has great thoughts on the matter (of which those are just some of them), but if I can direct your attention to one thing in particular, it would be Beth's fact (I *believe* from episode 2) about Trudy never graduating high school because of her essay where she suggested that "perhaps women could one day domesticate themselves", a statement that could of course be interpreted a number of ways but ultimately threatened the patriarchal status quo enough (in suggesting women's independence) to cost Trudy her diploma. Taken on its own this fact appears to contradict the theory that Trudy has always been robotic in nature, because it doesn't really make sense that Trudy would have been set up to go through high school (or school at all really) when Tucker's intention was/is for her to be the perfect housewife. You may then suggest that Trudy's memories of this are fabricated and not actually her lived experiences, in which case firstly perhaps you should reread my earlier point on the robot theory being used to actively negate and otherwise disregard the portions of Trudy's narrative that pertain to sexism and feminism, and secondly it really doesn't make any sense to me that Tucker would implant those kind of memories into Trudy's brain? To be completely honest if she's been a robot from the very beginning (rather than someone who became a cyborg, which is what I'm trying to suggest here), then I don't see why Tucker would program her with actual sentience in the first place (suspending my disbelief here with regards to the possibility of programming sentience to begin with). It seems much more likely to me then that Trudy was not always a robot, and instead altered by Tucker to force her into a role of subordination and remedy her """imperfections""". This option is significantly more interesting to me one, because it implies that Trudy has actually lived a life up until the present, full of its own complexities and strife (and dreams, and real actual memories worth exploring, etc.), and hence is not by any means "just a robot", and second because it amplifies the hypothetical statement being made on the lives of the real living women of the era and how they were treated and seen as being "in need of fixing" for not conforming to gender roles or otherwise acting "out of line" with what was expected of them.

OKAY THIS GOT OUT OF HAND SO I'M CUTTING MYSELF OFF HERE but I wanted to my share my current thoughts what with this ending and where I'm at so hopefully that was at least interesting to whoever has chosen to read through this one okay thank you byyyyyyyyye~

[bookobsessedfreak]

hang the moon ◦ l.f

-going through the ages of time with felix, from when you told him you were pregnant to seeing him braid your baby's hair.

@feelikecinderella I hope you like it it isn't something I usually write, but I adored writing it so thank you so so much for the request ♡

Paring ◦ Dad!Lee Felix x Pregnant!Reader Words ◦ 4,506(this was originally supposed to be 1,000 words 💀) Genre ◦ Fluff, Dad!Lixie headcanons, MY FIRST REQUEST MWAHAHA. Warnings ◦ Felix being the sweetest man in the whole world, super unrealistic ngl, descriptions about pain, crying, reader being kinda moody, sexual content but its literally like two lines and it just says that you give him head and him giving you an orgasm no details at all, felix being hot asf, felix being a model father, a few big bad fuck words, I'm 19 i dont know how pregnancy works so bear with me babes💀, I know their has to be at LEAST 12 spelling errors, not edited (forgive me I have no time) uhhh nothing else I don't think A/N ◦ I love this so much it was so cute and I stand by the fact if my husband isn't like this with kids I'm not having one (also is anybody else traumatized by their present absent dads my dad was always in my life and I love him to death great father terrible husband never did anything to help my mom out which makes me really scared to have kids can anyone relate?) I just want to apologize in advance for my rambling tendency please forgive me 🙏 Also this isn't in actual bullet point because Tumblr is stupid. Links ◦ Masterlist ◦ Taglist ◦ Rules ◦ Navigation ~cookiecreates 🍪

Mommy-to-be!Reader who gets that feeling all mothers get when another body is currently being knitted together inside them. The month you missed your period also helped with the suspicion, but the three pregnancy tests with two thick pink lines screaming at you really confirm your hypotheses that you are indeed pregnant, and it is 100% Felixes.

Mommy-to-be!Reader who is first overwhelmed by all the thoughts that have gathered in your head—the preparations, the options—if you want to keep the baby or not, what are you going to do if he doesn't want to? Oh no, you didn't think about what you would do if he didn't want to keep the baby. How would he react? Your overwhelm quickly changed to an anxiety that bubbled in your stomach when you thought of all the possible outcomes of what could happen to your relationship because of one simple accident. No matter how secure your relationship with Felix is, it's terrifying to think that he might leave, seeing his dreams of being an idol as more important than being a dad.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who was just sitting on the couch fiddling with his computer, when you walk in with your tear-stained face and trembling hands, he immediately goes to comfort mode. "What is it, darling whats w-" he stops in his tracks, seeing the test in your hands and definitely seeing the thick pink lines that tell him you're pregnant...

Daddy-to-be!Felix whose immediate reaction is to gather you up in his arms and twirl you around in the air, overwhelmed by a feeling of unadulterated joy. His whole face is lit up like a Christmas tree, really making his sunshine title shine through.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who can’t really believe it, “Your pregnant.” “Apparently” “Oh my gosh, we're pregnant.” “I don't think that's how that works.” You chuckle, still in mild denial. “Oh yeah, it is part of my DNA is currently inside of you.” He stops, really letting it sink in. “Holy shit, we're going to have a baby! You don't think either of you has ever smiled so big in your lives. 

Daddy-to-be!Felix who goes and tells the group the next day, too ecstatic to keep it to himself.

Uncle-to-be!Group who congratulates the hell out you and Felix, promising to take care of the baby any time you two need a babysitter. Cue spontaneous gift-giving as well; one day you find a stroller on your front porch from Chan, a box of baby clothes from Han, and a diaper bag from Minho, all on the same day.

Uncle-to-be!Chan who promises to spoil the hell out of your little sunshine, letting Felix rant about all his fantasies, how he's going to be the best dad, how you're going to be a wonderful mom, how he's going to buy her the cutest clothes, and how- Chan loves Felix, but he stopped listening after the 25th compliment about how wonderful you are doing with your pregnancy.

Mommy-to-be!Reader who figures out that Han's girlfriend, your best friend, is also pregnant, so you won't have to deal with your pregnancy alone, while Felix is understanding and supportive; he is a guy after all, and some things like how your boobs hurt and are oddly getting bigger, he just won't understand, and that's okay because at least you have a friend who you can rant about your boobies too.

Mommy-to-be!Reader who promises not to tell anyone about Han's girlfriend's pregnancy. Due to her request, she and Han have already agreed that they are planning a very big event to tell the boys, and she doesn't want it to be spoiled because of your loose lips.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who's so gentle with you, even during the days when your bump is so little, it's almost nonexistent, always asking if you're okay or if you need some food, water, or if the baby is okay? Is she hungry? Maybe thirsty? You have to remind him that the baby is nothing more than a gathering of cells right now and can't partially talk.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who guarantees that your baby is a girl and no amount of convincing can persuade him he's definitely projecting.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who would refuse to let you get up from nuzzling his face in your practically flat stomach. "Felix, I have to pee." "Do you want me to carry you to the bathroom?" He looks up from your tummy with big boba eyes. You deadpan. "Yeah, okay, you're right. You've got this." Basically, giving you little praise hand emojis🙌, even though his worried eyes stare you down all the way to the bathroom. 

Daddy-to-be!Felix who sends 'how are my girls doing' texts every day at practice, "You know, you don't actually know if it's a girl or not." "I have a feeling."

Daddy-to-be!Felix who treasures you even as you sob into his chest about your nightmares from the Euphoria TikToks you've watched about parents whose relationships crumbled because of having a baby, he dusts kisses over your face, whispering promise after promise on your skin that no matter what relationship won't crumble, this baby is going to make your relationship stronger, closer, better. He loves you too much, just like how he would love you if you were a worm and how he would kiss the prettiest person in the room with the choice between you or the prettiest person in the room because the prettiest person in the room is you (all true conversations you've had in between sobbing sessions).

Daddy-to-be!Felix who deals with all your shit with a smile on his face because he understands how hard it is to carry a fuckabigillion pound baby in your belly, so if you feel like yelling at him because he's home late, then crying in his arms because you regret yelling at him, begging him for forgiveness, he'll do both gladly. Not the forgiveness part; he doesn't forgive you because you didn't need it; he was never mad at you in the first place.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who starts getting concerned when your belly starts getting bigger at a faster rate than the average rate of time that one's belly gets bigger.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who shuts down every accusation that he's been doing research on your pregnancy and that he just happened to know the statistics about rates in which baby bumps grow (what can you say, he's a smart guy🤷)

Daddy-to-be!Felix who makes you promise to tell him all the days that your ultrasounds are on so he can make sure everything with you and his little princess is okay, especially since your bump is getting so big so fast, which he just happened to know and definitely did not do research about.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who gives you the best princess treatment all the time without fail. You don't like your nails; the money is on the counter for a new pair. You want to go shopping for maternity clothes because your jeans are starting to get too tight; he's at the door with his card and a big smile on his face, practically skipping out the door to give you the best day of your life. You want him to hold your bags as you walk around the mall, spending his money on anything you think looks even remotely cute; he'll do it with a sparkle in his eye. Your feet hurt from walking all day with this watermelon-sized child in your stomach; he'll lean down on his knees and stay there, rubbing your feet for hours. No matter what, even if he's exhausted from practice, his girls come first. Which ties into...

Daddy-to-be!Felix who demands time off. Demands it or he's done, leaving the team. (He's not actually going to, but he needs to let the company know he's not going to take their shit). His girls always come first. Reluctantly, they agree that he can take a 4-week break while you are pregnant and a 6-month leave after the baby comes. He glares at them before realizing that that's a pretty good chunk of time, but he's relentless, folding his arms in front of his chest, "and I get to leave whenever they need me." "I don't know about that." Daddy Bear mode activated. The woman trembles, looking at him. "Okay," she mutters reluctantly. Back into teddy bear mode. "Thank you so much. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day." He turns and walks away like he didn't just make this lady shit her pants. (i highly doubt this is actually how this works but idrc this is called a fanFICTION for a reason )

Daddy-to-be!Felix who doesn't mind one bit doing the dishes and sweeping the floor as long as he sees you safe and sound in your bed, snoring away with your legs stuffed between a fluffy pillow.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who went with you to one of your ultrasounds, and ended up with only 10 minutes to get ready before a photoshoot. He had never felt so many glares in one room. Newsflash: It was worth it, even though they had to rearrange the whole schedule just for him. Han sent him a smile, knowing exactly how he felt.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who gets the worst cuteness aggression as you waddle around.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who just holds you when you burst into tears, feeling so useless as you cry from the pain, not knowing what to do when you start balling because the weight of holding a baby beginning to be too much to bear, so he just holds you, not being able to keep the tears that swarm his vision at bay, especially when he holds your bump, feeling how heavy it is just for him; he couldn't even imagine how heavy it is to carry that around inside of you.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who calls his mom right after just to thank her for going through all the shit of baring a child because he sees how hard it is for you and literally can't believe women all around the world have been going through that for all of time, it genuinely baffles him, he trips out about it for a hot minute.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who takes it up as his personal mission to make you feel like the prettiest woman on the planet when you're with him, especially since he can tell you feel insecure with all the changes your body is making. He sees them, notices them, he doesn't mind them at all, what he minds is how much they are hurting you and he just can't have that. Let's just say the amount of kisses and orgasms he has given you in the past 6 hours makes you feel like the hottest bitch in the world for about 4 weeks after.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who convinces you not to do a gender reveal because he wants it to be a surprise, you are hesitant because you don't like not knowing which gender to buy certain clothes, but you know you currently have a closet full of both baby boy and baby girl clothes because of ✨princess treatment ✨and with a black card and pregnancy hormones, all the clothes at the mall looked cute. What can you say? You're just a girl. 🤷

Daddy-to-be!Felix whose biggest fear is that he's going to be away when you have the baby, and he's not going to be able to comfort you through the most memorable and painful time of your life. It quite literally brings tears to his eyes. You comfort him, telling him that it's okay even if he isn't there. You know he loves you, and you wouldn't mind, but he reminds you constantly, "I don't care if it's in the middle of a concert, a fansign, a meeting that determines my whole entire future; your water breaks, I run."

Daddy-to-be!Felix who is so relieved that your water breaks in the middle of the night when he's home, where you can screech as loud as you can to attempt to get his attention. 

Daddy-to-be!Felix who jumped up from bed so quick, grabbing you and leading you down the stairs, racked with guilt that he couldn't pick you up because A) he literally can't, and B) he's too terrified, he'll fall and hurt you.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who if all the anxiety he has ever experienced in his entire life could be multiplied and put in his body, it would still be so minuscule compared to the way he's freaking the FUCK out right now, but he still tries to calm himself down, and be sober-minded for you.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who when you get to the hospital, they have got him FUCKED UP to think he's ever leaving you. Holding your hand through it all, a part of him has to be on you the entire time. It doesn't matter if he doesn't sleep; he's an idol. Not sleeping is what he does.

Daddy-to-be!Felix who falls in love with you all over again, seeing you push through all the pain—admiring your strength and dedication— he loves you so much and makes sure you know, even in some of the most inconvenient times.  “Big push,” the nurse calls out from under you. “I love you so much, baby, so fucking much, holy shit.” He kisses your hand. “Shut up, Felix, please.” You scream, your body vibrating with pain. “Yes ma'am, shutting up right now.”

 Daddy-to-be!Felix who praises you constantly, “You're doing so well, baby.” "Keep pushing; do you see that, you're almost done?” "I'm so fuckin' proud of you, darling." "The only reason I'm going to see my beautiful baby is because of you. Do you know how much I admire you? I literally can't find the words." “SHUT UP.”

 Daddy-to-be!Felix who lets you hold onto him while you go through all the contractions, digging your nails into his skin, drawing blood, "Ow baby," "sorry," "it's okay, I understand." You obviously are not very sorry, cause two seconds later you're digging deeper into his wounds.

Dad!Felix who is just as ecstatic about them telling him it's a boy as he would be if they were telling him it was a girl, he just has to change his dreams about brushing his little girl's hair to teaching his little boy how to tie a tie (which he is very bad at, but for him, he will attempt to learn).

Dad!Felix who never knew that you could love somebody so deeply without ever even knowing them, but when he holds your little ball of sunshine in his arms and feels their heartbeats intertwining, it all seems so much more real. He has your eyes. His nose, your hands, his toes—he sees bits and pieces of the two of you in every breath he takes. He has just met your baby, and yet he immediately feels like he would burn the whole world down for him.

Dad!Felix who panics when you suddenly start having even more contractions.

Dad!Felix who breaks down in tears when they hand him your second baby, a little girl, whose freckles dust across her cheeks just like his. If he thought he was feeling happy before knowing he gets to experience the best of both worlds at the same time, makes his already bursting heart about 10 times its size. 

Dad!Felix who is sobbing happy tears, a smile plastered on his face as he cuts the umbilical cords off of both his little balls of sunshine, never thinking he would be so excited to do something in his life. 

Dad!Felix who at this point is so surprised that he hasn't had a heart attack with the amount of scares he has gotten in the past 12 hours, especially when his heart jumps out of his chest, as the doctor informs the both of you that you need to be stitched up from where you tore, you are mostly confused because you didn't know you tore. It must have blended in with the excruciating pain that was firing from all areas of your body. "What does that mean? Is she okay? Is she going to die? Is she-"

Dad!Felix who is literally going to pass out because he actually thinks you're going to die.

Dad!Felix who feels real fuckin stupid when the nurses just chuckle and tell him you're not going to die, your vagina ripped while giving birth, that it happens quite often; they just need to sew you up.

Dad!Felix who watches them like a hawk as they sew you up, making sure that they aren’t messing anything up.

Dad!Felix who literally refuses to let you do anything for at least 3 months after your birth, researching the hell out of what can ease your pain, forcing you into bed rest while he takes care of the kids, giving you massages for your aching muscles, pouring you warm baths with rose petals when your stitching hurts or itches, he's so kind and attentive, hating seeing you in pain.

Dad!Felix who is so eager to do anything; getting up when the babies are crying, changing diapers, giving bottles, singing the babies to sleep…

Dad!Felix who loves to sing the babies with his deep calming voice, knowing it puts them to sleep instantly. 

Dad!Felix who loves to eat you out when he finally puts the twins to bed about just as much, noticed the way you were looking at him as he was singing in that deep, sexy voice. 

Dad!Felix who goes right back to the kids 30 minutes later when your moans wake them up.  

Dad!Felix who just can't get over how awesome it is to see how different your babies are, not just in gender but in personality as well.

Dad!Felix who literally despises having the babies cry, does anything he can to stop it, not because it's annoying him, but because it hurts him to know his little angels are sad.

Dad!Felix who will cook dinner with both babies held carefully in his arms—something that seems atomically impossible, but he figures it out.

Dad!Felix who sees the guilt bubbling up on your face, rushing it away with gentle kisses and soft reassurances, ushering you away with a smile. “I know you're tired and hurting. Go take a nap, love, and I'll wake you up when dinner is done.”

Mom!Reader who wakes up from her nap, sees the house cleaned, the dishes done, the babies fed, and put to bed with a steaming meal in front of you, you are more than happy to suck him to the heavens after. Hey, everything's 50/50, right? 

Mom!Reader who begs Felix to get the babies because she can hear them crying through the baby monitor.

Dad!Felix who does it without a second thought. Never once complaining about how you guys could count the amount of sleep you have gotten combined on just one of your hands, he understood the twins were ornery—having a bad case of colic—so to calm them down, he sings to them just like he always does.

Mom!Reader who panics hearing such a deep voice over the baby monitor. In a fit of half-asleep—panic-induced—sleep deprivation run into the baby's room, ready to kill somebody if needed, but your heart melts instead when you meet Felix holding your sniffling twins, rocking them carefully in his arms. Tears pool in your eyes seeing the way his face glew with pure love; even though he looked exhausted, even though there were deep bags under his eyes and spit up on his shirt, no matter how hard life was, at least you know that with Felix, you’d never regret it, not even for a minute.

Dad!Felix who looks up, surprised to see you in the doorway. "Hi baby," he whispers. "Go back to bed, darling. I've got this." You look at him like he hung the moon, and for you, he would. 

Dad!Felix who is the most patient father any child could ever ask for. (I will never get over this. Definitely the type of dad who would help clean up the milk and not just yell because it was spilled)

Dad!Felix who would rather die than yell at his kids, is definitely the gentlest parent known to man.

Dad!Felix who dresses your angels like the next Louis Vuitton ambassadors, "Really, Felix, our four-month-old babies do not need a Louis blazer and jumpsuit." "Who says?” he shrugs. “Um, me, because they're 4 months old.” You enunciate every syllable as though you were talking to one of the babies in question. “Do they even sell this in stores?" “Um, no, I had it custom-made, duh." "Oh my gosh," you facepalm, not before facepalming a little harder, pulling out a Louis pair of sunglasses and a Louis purse just small enough to fit tiny hands. ”You bought the baby a Louis purse?" "Of course, my princess can be without a bag. Look deeper; there's something for mommy in there too.” You pull out a Louis Vuitton diaper bag. 🤦

Dad!Felix who has never really liked confrontation, but when a paparazzi accidentally bumped into you holding the twins because he was trying to take pictures of the group; he almost killed him, saw red, got so close to using those Taekwondo skills he spent years practicing. The team was the only reason he didn't rip someone's head off. Bangchan's glare would have been enough, but yours, his, and the whole group were enough for the man's face to go red and curl into himself, definitely regretting all of his life choices.

Dad!Felix who's the type of father who wants to protect his little angels from the world, is literally willing to glue pillows to all areas of the house so that they will never get hurt. You stare at him blankly, wondering if he's serious.

He is.

Dad!Felix who gets genuinely disappointed that you obviously oppose, so instead he baby-proofs the ever-loving shit out of the house, sharp objects gone, all corners covered, outlets concealed.

Dad!Felix who if anyone were to talk about his family online, would not be silent, would go into a fit of rage, aggressively typing on his phone, getting ready to post a long paragraph on his story that you or his team would have to keep him from sending because, you know, his job or whatever, speaking of job…

Dad!Felix who knows he has to leave for work eventually, and his 6-month hiatus from the group was not permanent. A lot of tears are shed as he holds you and your beautiful babies, knowing he isn’t going to be able to see them for a whole 3 months while they start their tour. He can't bear thinking that he might miss such pivotal moments as the first rollover, the first steps, the first word. He can see his little munchkins' lives flashing right before his eyes as he looks at the packed suitcase in the corner. “Felix, we are going to be fine, I promise." “Are you sure?? I can leave the group; I would leave them for you; I promise I would; you just say the word and I'm gone; we can buy a house in the suburbs-” You giggle, overwhelmed with admiration for his dedication to your family, “Don't be silly, Lix. I know you love your job and your team, plus we wouldn't be able to afford a house without you working." He sighs, knowing you are right. “Fine,” he mutters, holding you all close. “Just promise to call me every single day, okay?”

Dad!Felix who gets up early enough in the morning to feed the kids and get them dressed, trying to spend as much quality time with them as possible before he has to leave. 

Mom!Reader who, being the mom you are, still freaks out when you wake up, scared Felix is going to miss his plane. While you're putting your son's shoes on, you run into the room and say, “Come on, lix-” You stop dead in your tracks, seeing him beaming while brushing your little girl's hair, humming a sweet melody as the paddle goes smoothly through her locks. She looks up at him like he hung the moon, and for her, he would. Your bad mood dissipates as you remember why you got into any of this in the first place. Everything is going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Felix looks up, feeling your presence. He smiles wider. "Do you like it, momma?" He asks, clearly proud of his work. She smiles toothless and full of glee. You take her in your arms, spinning her around. "Well, of course, I like it. Did Daddy do this for you, baby?" She spits out gobbly gook, which you nod your head at, acting like she just recited pie.

Dad!Felix who brushes the little girl's hair every day before work without fail, even looks up tutorials on YouTube about different strategic hairstyles. He's terrible at them. Doesn't stop your heart from melting into a puddle on the floor while he's attempting French braids, though.

Dad!Felix who proposes to you a few years later, so he can have your two beautiful babies standing beside him as he proposes: his little princess in a cute white dress holding a bouquet of picked flowers, and your little prince in an adorable little tux holding a heart of chocolates. Everything is just so perfect, you'd be a certified idiot not to say yes (not that you were ever considering it).

Husband!Felix who when you finally get married, agrees that your baby boy is going to be the one who walks you down the aisle with your little girl being his best wo'man', right beside Hyunjin and all his other members, of course.

Extra for the ones who endured my rambling 

Mom!Reader+Hans girlfriend who had a baby boy the same day that you had your little girl. When you found out the good news, you immediately started planning for the wedding, knowing this couldn't be anything other than fate, already thinking about ship names and wedding dresses.

Dad!Felix+Han who glare at the two, Felix not liking the idea of his perfect princess being anywhere near the male species, Han not liking the idea of his girlfriend cuddling with someone that isn't him. But eventually, Felix eases on his glare, his heart melting as you giggle about the color of the bouquet.

Last but not least

Husband!Felix who will always love the way his family looks at him, like he hung the moon because, for them, he would.

©CookieCreates (posted: June, 19th 2024) All rights reserved. Do not translate, copy, or claim my works as yours! I only post on this platform so if any of my works are elsewhere, report and notify me immediately.

~ I'm probably going to redo this one day so if you have anything you would like to add/change please let me know :))

COOKIE OUT

[carmenized-onions]

Just Dropped. | Missing Invoice

logline; It's still fucking Friday. Half past five, maybe?

[!!!] series history, this is the eleventh; We're jumping RIGHT back in babe, feel free to re-review chapter ten to remember everything lmao.

Spotify Playlist, if you like to listen while you read. I listen to it when I write :) Constantly gettin’ added to.

portion; 8.2k Thank fucking god this got split off from the last.

possible allergies; hurt,,,,, some comfort? You'll see, idk. No spoils. Terrible self-image, a lot of talk of Mikey's death and blame about it. Just a lot of mean and hurtful words to oneself and others.

pairing; Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto & Fem Reader (i don't believe there's any pronouns but feminine titles are used? you'll see) Also, if I'm being honest, this chapter is not about Carmen, lmao. but when are they, really?

you ever notice that the other shoe chapter doesn't have a period? lol pranked you!! genuinely both very interested and very nervous to hear y'alls thoughts on this one,,, i hope you like it,,,, if you don't,,,, let me down so gently, sweetpea

Same team. You say to Marcus.

It’s an idiom you coined, long ago. It’s a simple phrase you and your friends started to exchange whenever heads got hot, and you had to remind each other that at the end of the day, you’re fighting for the same thing. To get through the end of the day, together. You’re on the same team.

It’s not interchangeable with ‘we good?’ It means so much more than that. Fights happen, they do. You know that better than anyone, but it’s important to remind each other what you’re fighting for. Same team, you say to Marcus, after reciting all the pastas on order.

He says it back, calming down. Talking to Richie was just as important as running expo; same team. He gets it. You exchange reassuring nods.

Two doors swing open. First, Sweeps comes in through front of house, pressing a note to your back, you hold it there. You don’t think it’s a good sign when he mumbles, slipping past your shoulder. “Need a smoke break, one sec.”

Second, Carmen swings out of his office. Phone call over, he seems deeply bothered. Is Natalie okay? Is he okay? You imagine he wouldn’t just return to his station, right in front of expo, if everything wasn’t okay. He does seem… On the verge of something, though. Despite your concerns, you continue to bark out orders. You try to run it a little more… prim, this time, with Carmen back. A couple fewer ‘love yous’ peppered in between table numbers. You don’t want to make him snap by running the place not like his Exec would.

Richie rolls back his shoulders, stretching out his neck. He tries to find sympathy and kinmanship, in Carmen, “Cousin, your ol’ boss is such an asshole, you wouldn’t believe what he—”

“Respect him, Chef.”

Huh? That gives both you and Richie pause. You stutter on the order. “Twen—Twenty-six, table twenty-six, waiting on fish, Chefs.”

“Fish.” Carmen hands the plate off to expo, immediately. Cold. He hasn’t even commented on you running expo yet. Is he mad? You’re probably doing a shit job at this. You hand the serving tray off to Fak to run. He speeds out, like a reverse lassie, sensing danger and wanting to get the fuck out immediately.

“…Respect him?” Richie repeats, dumbfounded.

“He’s a Two-Star Executive Chef.” Carmen doesn’t take his eyes off his cutting board. You’re not sure what he’s making, right now— Oh shit, you should tell him about the cherry and lamb before he wastes his time.

“Don’t matter what his title is—” “Yes. It does.”

Richie’s brows raise then furrow, as do yours, just not nearly as dramatic. Neither of you were expecting a fight over this, you’ve both been serving this man first hand. Carmen worked for this guy for like two or three years, he knows. He has nightmares about this guy. You were expecting comradery. The guy is a dick, why won’t Carmen admit that? Why’s he suddenly got stock in his captor?

“Who shit in your cereal? He’s bein’ a fuckin’ creep, Cousin.” That touches your heart, a little bit. Richie’s not directly saying it’s affecting you, but it’s nice to know that he just as equally cares about your discomfort.

Carmen’s a different story, though. Because he doesn’t question why Richie would say this. Doesn’t bother to consider the idea that he’s not fully informed, on the situation. On any situation, for that matter. He just thinks he’s being attacked, for some reason.

“N’ what the fuck are you?”

That snaps you off of your focus— Quite frankly, it snaps half of the kitchen out of their focus. Everyone’s knives pause above their cutting boards, spoons half dipped into pots, it hangs in the air, for a second.

“Pardon me?” Richie puts a hand over his chest, taking a half step back, to physically display how much offense he’s taken. Fucking hell, it’s gonna be this now. “What the fuck am I?”

“D’you want me to tell you? Cause I’ll fuckin’ tell you.”

You’ve gotta get between this, before Carmen can tell him. You slip Sweeps’ note in your pocket, long forgetting it, at this point. When you step forward, Richie puts an arm in front of you, barring you from getting in the middle of this. “Rich—”

“Please.” Richie goads, ignoring you. “En-fucking-lighten me.” You immediately brace yourself for whatever impact you and the rest of this kitchen are going to be collateral for.

“You’re a fuckin’ deadbeat, Rich.” Carmen puts his knife down, turning from his station to face Rice. Where the fuck is all this coming from? What kind of phone call was this? When you open your mouth to interrupt, Richie puts his other hand up in front of your face, shushing you. He wants to hear what Carmen has to say. You desperately do not want to hear what Carmen has to say.

“You wouldn’t have shit without me.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t have shit?”

“You wouldn’t be able to pay for your fuckin’ life—” “Oh here we go—” “Or your fuckin’ kid—” “Oh, oh you wanna talk to me about my fuckin’ kid?” “You wouldn’t have shit—” “At least I have a fuckin’ kid.” “Fuck you!”

“Fuck you, you don’t have shit, Carmen, you don’t let good shit ever fuckin’ happen to you. So fuckin’ tough, never let anyone talk to you.”

It is impossible to get a word in, inch wise. They are so in each other’s faces, Carmen’s a bit shorter than Richie, and that somehow does not make him any less intimidating. This has been brewing long before you showed up, that much is very fucking clear. What caused the snap to happen now is beyond you.

You cannot find a moment to interrupt, to attempt to mediate. No one can. The kitchen is divided, some continue cooking to avoid the situation, some have stopped to watch, wondering to themselves who’s going to intervene, and some are like you, waiting for the right moment to step in. There will never be a right moment to step in.

“Where were you, when I fuckin’ put your brother in the ground, you selfish piece of shit?”

Oh. Stray bullet, for you. You wince— Not that you weren’t already, but that was definitely a personal hit. Richie’s still harbouring resentment over that for Carmen, which means he still holds it somewhere for you, too. And at least Carmen came back after, to take care of The Beef. Where the fuck were you for the better half of a year? Vanished. You completely vanished, on him.

“You’re so fucking obsessed with my family— Such—You’re such a fucking leech.”

You catch it from Carmen, too. Does Carmen see you as a leech? A parasite, tethering to his family? To his work? Is that why he’s mad, right now? You’ve inserted yourself without asking— You’re so pushy— No, no, he likes that your pushy, you’re good. He doesn’t think that about you, he doesn’t actually think Richie is a leech either, he’s just saying shit to start shit. It’s working. He’s really stirring up shit.

“Oh, I’m fucking obsessed—” “You fucking leech—” “I’m so fucking obsessed with you.” “I should’ve cut you out!” “Yeah.” “I should’ve fuckin’ cut you out!”

“I fuckin’ love you!” Richie points in Carmen’s face, and Carmen somehow manages to not give a shit. It does nothing, for Richie to have said this, and that is shattering. Sydney reaches for your hand, you don’t look at her, you only know it’s her because of the band-aids. You take it.

“You fucking need me!”

“I fucking love you!”

“You’re fucking nothing!”

“Don’t fucking say that!” That’s when you jump in. Practically call and response, for you. Your body processes what Carmen even said before your brain does. That was the straw. Carmen picked the wrong fucking one, to say that in front of. Carmen drew the line a lot of times, Carmen drew the line when he said to respect that Asshole— Quite frankly, Carmen drew the line with the broken sauce ‘you want a star’ bullshit with Syd— But this was the back breaker, for you.

You let go of Syd’s hand, moving to be in between the men, back facing Richie, defending him, “Don’t fuckin’ say that shit to Richie— To anyone, ‘specially not Richie.”

“Oh, like he’s some fuckin’ prize?” Your eyes go wide, like dinner plates. Carmen continues, “You wanna fix him, too? Add him to the list?”

“Fix him?” Is that what he thinks of you? That you think people need ‘fixing’? “I’m not trying to fix anyone, Carmen.”

“Didn’t try to fix Mikey?”

You straighten up a bit, whole brain dialing up. “Excuse me?”

“You’re excused.”

You adore Carmen, but in this moment, you cannot help but think of all the utterly life ruining comebacks you could say to set him on his ass, right now. Bite your tongue, same team. “Oh, I’m excused?”

“You don’t fuckin’ work here.” Ouch.

“Oh, suddenly that’s a problem—”

“Think you’re the fuckin’ peoples’ princess—” Ouch.

“That is not what I’m doing—”

“No no, of course it’s not, you’re such a goddamn saviour, modern day Christ.” Ouch.

“Carmen—” Richie tries to step in front of you, you put the back of your hand on his chest, holding him back. Time for you to prove what you said, in your kitchen, just a few days ago. Time to prove to Carmen, and quite frankly, yourself, that you can take this. That you can take his teeth. Carmen gave you fair warning, that the shoe could drop, that he might do this. Your first fight. It came a lot faster than you expected, but fair warning’s a fair warning.

“Say what you wanna say, Carmen.”

“Where’s your fucking invoice?” Carmen’s never swore at you, you’re pretty sure. It feels weird, in your chest. Cornering. You frown. “You didn’t fuckin’ give it to Nat, don’t lie.”

“It’s complicated.” It’s a legitimate answer, to you. It is complicated. “We can talk about it, after—”

“I don’t need to be some fuckin’ charity tax write-off, alright?” Carmen interrupts, he doesn’t care to hear your explanation. He’s already decided your intentions, and that feels very unfair, doesn’t feel like you’re on the same team. “Just fucking charge me. You wanna work here? Fucking charge me.”

Is he trying to make your entire dynamic transactional? Why is he acting like this? What did you do wrong? Don’t tear up. You can take it. You can take the teeth, Tony, come on. “That’s not—”

“I don’t need fuckin’ fixing, alright, I’m not another fucking addict—”

You can feel bristle Richie behind you. You both handled that ‘fucking addict’ first hand, and you certainly don’t care for him to be referred to as such. You interrupt Carmen’s tirade, “Don’t say that shit—”

Carmen rolls back his head, like he’s tired of some sort of façade— Like you’re being fake. “Oh, my fucking God—”

“What! What the fuck—” “He’s fucking dead, you can say it— He was a fucking loser junkie—”

He doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t mean it. He’s just trying to start shit. Same team. He’s just hurt over something he hasn’t admitted yet. Same team.

“Carmen—” You can’t get a word out, with this guy. God, you wish this was at least behind closed doors. Wish he’d give you and Richie the grace of breaking you both down without an audience.

“And, and—” There’s a split second of manic laughter to it, he’s so incensed by the idea. “You, you fucking gave that junkie money?”

You’re quick to furrow your brows, emphatically shaking your head. Did you give him discounts on services and pay his diner tab on occasion? Sure. But that’s an entirely different thing. “I never gave Mikey a cent—”

“Oh?” Carmen shrugs, “So you don’t have a joint bank account?”

Oh.

Oh. Is that what this is fucking about? He found some paperwork or a debit card lying around and lost his shit? Carmen and Mikey are very different people, and you love that, but one of your least favourite differences is Mikey never circled the drain, when it came to what he didn’t like. Carmen’s spent forever, needling Richie, and then needling you over some fucking joint bank account? That still doesn’t feel like it, though. There’s gotta be something he’s not saying.

To be fair, you know how the man spirals, you were hoping to explain these weird leftovers from your history yourself. This is what the painting was for. You were supposed to start on the first page— God, at the very least, a softer page, one that makes it all make sense, for him.

“Carmen, I get why you may be confused, but I—”

“Don’t tell me I’m fucking confused. I’m not fucking confused— I— This is my fucking kitchen, alright?” Entirely nonsensical. Too many thoughts are stirring in his head.

It’s hard to keep your eyes from watering. Take the teeth, same team. It was easier to compartmentalize with Mikey, when he yelled at you, because his eyes were blown out, and you could tell that it wasn’t him talking to you. But this is a sober Carmen. This is what he deep down, somewhere, thinks of you, isn’t it? He doesn’t think you belong in his kitchen. Don’t belong here.

“That— That fuckin’ asshole out front, or whatever you fuckin’ call him?” He points to booth twelve, through the window. You are now reminded that there is a window, and that there are more people than just the kitchen, here, there’s patrons. If they craned their necks and listened close, the sound proofing would keep them from hearing Carmen, but you feel like they could probably hear the way your heart is struggling to keep pace.

“That’s me— That’s who the fuck I am. And I’m good like that, so—So if he’s a fuckin’ creep so am I. N’ I don’t need you comin’ in my fuckin’ kitchen, comin’ in my fuckin’ life, actin’ like you know better than me!”

“I never said I know better than you!”

“You didn’t need to!”

“I—” You swallow your spit. You have always tried to keep a level field, with Carmen. Since day one. “I never meant—”

“I don’t— I am not your fuckin’ charity case, you do not need to-to donate to me to make up for the fact that you failed Mikey!”

Yeah.

You can’t take these teeth.

Carmen Anthony Berzatto realizes a couple of things, seven things, in quick succession, after he says this.

Thing One. His middle name is Anthony. Tony. That’s kind of funny. He should tell you that, make you laugh. He never really thought about it, until now. Didn’t have one of those moments where his brain disconnects from his body as a method of escaping the poison in his mouth, so it can have plausible deniability, until right now.

Thing Two. You are not Mikey. He had gotten so caught up, over the past week, conflating the fact that you’re both so likable and so ‘The Guy’ with the idea that you’re just the same. You’re not. You don’t react to being pushed and screamed at, like Mikey did, you don’t scream back. You defend yourself, but you don’t bite back at him, the way he bit at you. You don’t fight. You don’t get mean. You are not Mikey. Carmen always took Mikey trying to help as him trying to one up him; a silent way of saying he was better. You are not Mikey. You helping around the kitchen tonight, helping him every fucking day, was never you trying to one up him— Let alone fix him.

Thing Three. Your cherry and lamb plate is nowhere to be seen. It’s only been like three, five minutes? Where’d it go? He can’t even find a plate of bones. You’re never going to speak to him again, after this, he knows that. He’s never going to hear straight from you what you thought, he needs to see if you cleaned the plate.

Thing Four. He didn’t even ask. He didn’t even mention the photos, the thing that he was actually hung up about. Carmen’s confrontational, but not in the way that matters. He yells, but it’s never the thing he actually wants to yell about. Those candles could’ve been for anything. How old was Eva, when you met Mikey? Carmen doesn’t know, he wasn’t here. Could’ve just been birthdays. There’s a million reasons to have those photos, there’s a million reasons to have a joint bank account. He should’ve asked. He should’ve listened when you were trying to explain. You were trying to explain. You had something to say. You even acknowledged how confused he must be. How confused must you be, right now? He didn’t explain why he was yelling, at all. He didn’t ask, and he didn’t listen.

Thing Five. Carmen wasn’t here. You were. You were here. He blames himself, for his brother’s suicide, and he wasn’t even here. And then there’s you. You were here, and you probably took Mikey on your shoulders the way you take everything on your shoulders. And he just said you failed. He never asked you, if you blamed yourself, but he doesn’t need to. Everyone blames themselves. God, why did he call Richie nothing? Richie was here, too. He’s not a fucking leech, he was here. And that’s a fuck of a lot more than Carmen did. It’s not just about when Richie put his brother in the ground, it was the years before, proceeding, that Carmen wasn’t here for, and both of you were. And he just fucking said that you failed. He said it was your fault.

Thing Six. Carmen glances over your trembling shoulders, out the window, to where he can just see the edge of his old Exec’s head. Who he’s just said he is. Ugh. He thinks back to when that man became Exec, and Carmen took over as head. He remembers the promise he made to himself, when he went back to his shitty New York studio apartment and cracked open an incredibly expensive bottle of champagne (gifted) to drink alone on his mattress with no bedframe. He promised himself that no matter how bad it got in the kitchen, no matter how bad it got in his head, he would never get in someone’s ear and tell them that they were no good, terrible, slow, useless, better off dead, dumb fuck. He promised himself, that he would never make someone cry in his kitchen.

Point Seven. He’s resented the fact for the past week, that he hasn’t gotten to be the first person to do a lot of things, with you. He’s resented how much he missed out on, how much he wishes it was him in the photos, in the memories. But now you get to be one of his firsts. You get to be the first person he’s ever made cry, in his kitchen. When his brain comes back to his body, and he repeats back to himself the exchange that just happened. Yeah, he’d cry, too.

You have wonderfully bright eyes. He didn’t tell you that, before. He should’ve. He gets compliments on his bright blue eyes a lot, but yours just have this glow from within, about them. A brightness that he doesn’t, a sweetness that his don’t. That’s gone now. Eyes go from wide to hurt to vacant. Gone. Devoid. Hand over your mouth to cover the wobbling of your bottom lip. You look like he did, two years ago, at the French Laundry. A shell of what he was. A shell of what you are.

Carmen was right, he is the man out front. That’s who he is. That’s what he is.

A husk, biting down on the hand that feeds; defending nothing from no threat.

Richie didn’t need to call you, to let you know that Carmen’s awful for you, that he’s an asshole to everyone around him, that he’s sharp and not worth your time. Richie didn’t need to call you, to tell you that he’s just some fucking creep Executive Chef, but this time, he doesn’t even have any stars to retain about it. Richie didn’t need to call you. Carmen told you himself who he is, just fine.

Please make eye-contact. Please look him in the eyes, you used to do it all the time. You might never look him in the eyes again, please do it one more time. He didn’t savour it, before, didn’t hold it, when he should’ve. He would’ve, if he knew it would’ve been the last time. He should’ve been savouring it every time. He should’ve kissed you, when you kissed him on the temple— He should’ve let you know. You’re so smart, when it comes to emotions and things— Everything. Intuitive. If you’d look him in the eyes, you’d be able to tell how sorry he is, how wrong he knows he is for saying everything he said. But you’re downcast, trying to zero in on something.

You swallow, blinking wildly in a failed attempt to stall tears, and nod imperceptibly, digesting his words. He wishes you wouldn’t. This is the last thing he’d want you to eat.

Sydney is already rushing to your side, her station long forgotten. “Yoyoyoyoyo—”

She’s distressed, because she cares about you, hurrying to comfort you, taking your hand, then arm, then shoulder. She’s trying to get you to look at her, you won’t. You won’t look at anyone. She’s crouching to get in your field of vision. “C’mon, c’mon—”

Richie is behind you, where he should be, already squaring himself up, making himself taller. Carmen has never wanted someone to hit him, he’s pretty sure, until right now. He just wishes it was you doing it. Fight him back, please. Break his jaw, permanently, please. Keep him from saying anything ever again. Keep him from making you make that face, ever again. He wishes it was you doing it, but he’ll take Richie as a close second.

Richie steps in front of you, grabbing him by his collar, good. “How could you fuckin’ say that shit to Chippy—”

“Please don’t call me Chip.” Is the first thing you say, voice quiet, cracking. You’re pinching the bridge of your nose, hard, thumb nail digging in. Eyes closed. You’re trying to hold it down. “Not right now.”

And like a guard dog, Richie heels. Of course, Richie would find you more important than violence. He cares. You put a hand over Syd's, on your shoulder, squeezing it. “I’m good, Syd.”

Everyone knows you’re not good. Your voice cracks painfully, again, when you say you’re good. “Just gimme a second.”

“I love you, dude.”

“I know, Syd—” “Will you let me?” “I—”

You take one deep breath, slow, rubbing your thumb over her hand. She gives you a clean dish rag. You wipe your tears and blow your nose. When you lift your head back up, to face the crowd that is the kitchen, it’s like it never happened. Well, your face still has that puffiness and redness to it, and your eyes certainly look irritated and glassy. But you’ve gathered such resolve back, immediately. Hardened up, immediately. Turned off a sect of yourself. If Carmen didn’t know you, he doesn’t think he’d be able to tell you were just crying.

“Apologize,” —He'll grovel to high hell— “To Richie.”

Carmen’s eyes flicker with confusion, just for a second, you catch it. You repeat, clearer. “Apologize to Richie. Say you didn’t fuckin’ mean that.”

Carmen doesn’t need a broken jaw, to go speechless, apparently. You don’t care to defend yourself at all, here. Never put yourself first. He frowns, you don’t take it the right way, no, why would you? You speak with an extra layer of gravity.

“Berzatto.” Hurts worse than when you say Carmen with disappointment. Deserved punishment.

“I’m sorry, Richie…Not nothing.”

“Not fuckin’ forgiven—” You put a hand up, turning your head to face the man behind you. “Rich.”

“Oh, don’t—”

“Say sorry—” “He fuckin’ started it—” “You didn’t have to entertain it.” “He was bein’ a bitch—” “Jerimovich!”It’s more fun, when you do it to Richie. More kindergarten teacher like, breaking up a fight at recess.

“I’m fuckin’ sorry, Cousin.” Richie does not mean it. It’s okay. He doesn’t have to. He was right. Didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.

You turn back to Carmen, of whom you still will not make eye contact. That’s fair. “Can Richie take five?” He doesn’t like that you feel like you have to ask him for permission, now. “He’s gotta help me carry tools, to my car.”

That’s a chance to talk to you, alone. “I can—”

“No.” You shoot Carmen down quickly. “Richie’s got it. You’ve gotta keep your kitchen in order.”

That hurts. But he said it. He said it was his kitchen, he said you didn’t work here. You’re so much more than an employee. You’re family, everyone here treats you like family. This is your kitchen, too. He doesn’t really care what anyone else thinks, right now, but it also occurring to him that he said all that in front of everyone here, everyone who adores you. None of these people have seen this side of you— You didn’t come to the funeral. This is probably why. It’s pretty clear you don’t like crying in front of people, the way you immediately go somewhere else mentally.

Richie’s already walking, you didn’t actually ask him to grab your tools from the corner of the kitchen, but he just does it. Wordless. Richie knows how to show that he loves you. Carmen could learn, from that. Carmen could learn from Sydney too, she said it, and she’s still holding your arm.

Carmen takes a step forward to you, and what you mean by it, he’s not sure, but what he does see, is you take a step back. He immediately takes two steps back.

You’re very good. Too good, too good for anyone. Not gonna change my mind ‘bout that. That’s what he said to you, when you confessed you were worried he would ‘figure out’ you weren’t good. He lied to you. The other shoe dropped and he’s the one that made it.

You sniff, you feel bad for taking a step back, but you think if Carmen touched you right now, you’d have a full-blown meltdown, and you’d like to hold some modicum of respect amongst your peers here.

Carmen hates you. You didn’t expect that. But it’s fair. You’re not certain what he saw along with the joint bank account, but if he was able to put the pieces together, it makes sense. You failed his brother, failed Mikey. God, it’s still ringing in your ears. You killed him. Everyone knows that. Everyone hates you. He said the quiet thing, that everyone here knows, out loud. You didn’t do enough. You weren’t smart enough. You failed to do the one job you’ve been trained for, save someone, set them at ease— For fuckssake, just keep your friend from dying. Is that so fucking difficult? Was that so hard? He’s right to say it. You don’t have the right to be upset right now. He doesn’t owe you anything. You owe him.

You owe him.

You look to Syd, “You have a pen?”

You can tell she doesn’t like that you’re essentially blocking off the part of your brain that feels pain. What’d she expect? You were an E.M.T. for three years, you learned how to turn off your brain. She gives you the pen from her breast pocket anyways. You dig through your pants pocket for a slip of paper, oh shit, the note from Sweeps, you completely forgot about it. It’s a folded guest check, it says ‘B12’ on the front. Booth Twelve, you infer. You unfold and read Sweeps' chicken scratch. It’s nice to focus on something that isn’t the rotting feeling inside you… No fucking way.

“Sweeps!”

“Yuh-huh?” It’s nice that Sweeps has only just came back in from his smoke break. He has no idea why everyone’s shocked and/or enraged right now, and there’s something beautiful and perfect about that. Sanct.

“Did he seem serious?” You hold the note between two fingers for him to see and know what you’re talking about.

Sweeps shrugs, slipping his Marlboro pack into his inner breast pocket. “You can fuckin’ read that guy?”

A very fair call. You sigh, then flip the note over, it’s hard to write, using your hand as a pad, but it doesn’t really matter, neatness doesn’t matter. Just write it fast so you can get the fuck out of here and cry in your car about a boy that doesn’t love you and never will.

“Freezer door hotfix, eighty. Plumbing repair, took about four hours, that’s two-fifty. House call oven, seventy. Oven hotfix just now, plus replacement part costs… One-twenty.”

You hate doing this. It sucks to be doing this. This is what the fucking painting was for. Why couldn’t he just let you do it in the order you wanted? You were supposed to start this on a better page.

“Said I’d pay you back for that pinot, which is about twenty on wholesale, so… Five hundred even.”

You click and unclick the pen, several times, shoulders tensing. “I don’t think you need fixing, and I wasn’t trying to make up for anything. I’m sorry, Carmen.”

“I’m—” It’s the first time he’s tried to speak, and you just can’t let him. You can’t listen to his voice right now, you know it’s unfair, but you can’t, so you interrupt him.

“I didn’t tell Nat you covered the invoice.”

You hand him the note, careful to hold it at the very edges, so you don’t make contact when he takes it. “I owe you two thousand.”

At the bottom of your shoddy invoice, it reads, ‘Advanced Payment, M. Berzatto. $2,500.’

You told him it was fucking complicated.

He should’ve let it lie. He should’ve bitten his fucking tongue, like you did for him constantly. You told Nat her brother covered the invoice; you just didn’t say which one. Was it intentionally sneaky? Yeah, obviously, because how were you supposed to fucking explain that? It’s fucking complicated. But no, Carmen didn’t fucking want to hear anything you tried to explain, so you’re just gonna let his stupid fucking dumbfounded face stay that way. If he just told you what he actually saw, like a fucking adult, you could’ve done so, happily. But Carmen hates you, and he’s decided what you are. He probably doesn’t want to hear much of your voice, anyways. Keep it short.

“So just… I’ll just uhm… Wire you. Or something.”

You sigh, thinking about what’s on the other side of that fucking note. “You have my number, you can give it to him, if you want.”

The Exec liked the cherry and lamb dish. Of course he would, it was perfect. It also seems like he enjoys that you’re both smart and clearly ‘spunky’, or some shit. He wants the ‘wine girl’s’ number. Didn’t even bother to remember you said Jack. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll send the mystical wine girl his close friend Michelin Guide Inspector’s number, and maybe they’ll review the place. Maybe. Doesn’t matter to you. Not your kitchen.

A chance at a chance at a chance or your well-being? That’s Carmen’s choice now.

You snap your finger, pointing to the note, remembering. You never brought The Guy a wine, “Pinot Noir. Marcassin 2013. Top left shelf. Pit a cherry and put it on the rim.” It's the perfect pairing, for his dish.

At least get him a star, if he has to hate you.

When you start to move, Syd’s still holding onto you. You don’t pull her off, but you do put your hand over hers, and she knows what you want. She doesn’t care. She repeats. “Will you let me?”

Goddammit. Does she want you crying all over again? You’re trying very hard to not look like a wuss, right now. “I will. Just need five minutes alone, okay? I’ll wait outside.”

She doesn’t want to, but you’re not giving her many other options here, so Syd nods and lets you go. “Five minutes.”

“Five minutes.” You clap your hands together, eyes glazing over the rest of the staff. Rest of your family. You’re trying not to read their expressions because if you do you very well might scream, cry, and throw up all at the same time. “Everyone! Back to work! It’s half past five you’ve still got a whole night ahead, look alive, Chefs.”

You pass Carmen, careful not to bump shoulders. Just get out of here unscathed. Hopefully he’s not too mad about the dish swap. You made the right call. It won’t matter if he’s mad, anyways, actually, he already hates you.

At least be something of value, for him, if he has to hate you.

Richie’s out there, leaning against the trunk of your shitty 2004 Dodge Intrepid. How he knew it was yours, you’re not sure. Probably the goofy bumper stickers. It’s a piece of shit. Broken fob. You have to use your key to unlock the trunk. It still works. You speak at once.

“What the fuck was that?”

You both laugh, though it’s hollow. You unlock the trunk, Richie throws your tools in. He’s first to add. “You didn’t actually want me to fuckin’ apologize, did you?”

You shrug, head tilting back and forth, he kisses his teeth, you supplement. “Listen, the ‘you don’t have a kid’— Touch crazy.”

“He fuckin’ started it!” “I know he fuckin’ did, I’m not defendin’ him!”

You purse your lips. There was the other thing Richie said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at the funeral, Cousin.”

“Ah, oh…” Richie attempts to wave it off, shrugging, as if it wasn’t a huge fucking deal to him just two minutes ago. “It’s good—”

“It’s not.” You interject. Richie always says he’s fucking good, when he’s not. He’s not good about Tif, he’s not good about the Exec making fun of him, he’s not good about you abandoning him, for a year. “It’s not good, Richie, and I’m sorry.”

You swallow, closing your trunk. You attempt to remember bits and pieces of your prepared speech, from dinner. But this is reality, and typically once transferred from your mind, it makes the words so much clunkier, lines forgotten, here and there.

“I should’ve been here, after. It was fucked up, that I just left. Made you hold it down, by yourself, and— And I can’t fucking imagine, Richie, how hard that must’ve been.”

Standing in The Bear is a touch easier, because it’s so different now. But Richie was there, days after Mikey died, in The Beef. Taking smoke breaks with a shadow that was no longer next to him. Forced to keep morale up, all by himself. You can imagine how hard it must’ve been, and that’s exactly why you stopped coming around.

Richie can only bring himself to nod, swiping his nose, because it’s starting to run.

“I— I didn’t cut you out. I want you to know that.” Carmen was so cruel, with that shit. “That wasn’t me cutting you out. I— I was tryna cut myself out.”

He halfheartedly laughs, confused. “Fucks that mean, Cousin?”

“I—” How can you word this in a way that isn’t just as cruel? “I didn’t think we were friends.”

He mimics being shot. You add, “Fuckin’ listen—” “Fuckin’ drive-by—”

“I just didn’t think— I don’t think anyone’s my friend, I don’t think.”

“What’s that even begin to mean?”

“I… I feel like… I’m just like… So insecure, about my place in relationships, that like— Like I’m not worth people’s time. Like we were only friends because we were friends with Mikey and we were handling him and I was like— Like I was helpful. So, like, when he died, it was like… We— There was no reason, for you to be friends with me, anymore. No us.”

Richie takes a moment, to digest it. The silence is terrible for you though, so you continue. “I’m startin’ to realize, that not likin’ myself, can actually really end up hurtin’ the people I love—”

“I’d still love you, even if you weren’t helpful. By the by.”

Richie’s interruption hits you in the chest like a fucking freight train. “Oh Jesus Christ, Richie—”

“What? What the fuck—”

“That was just fuckin’ crazy.” You cover your eyes, tears already coming to a head. He’s relieved, you mean crazy like good.

“Fuck, Richie, I love you.” You sniff, trying to look at him through watery eyes, it’s near impossible to do without warbling. “Man… You were here.”

Now it’s Richie’s turn to have his tear-jerking trigger phase said. “Oh, don’t start, Chip—”

“You were fucking here, Richie, Carmen doesn’t fuckin’ get that— No one gets that.” You’re kind of blubbering, honestly, starting to point at him, speaking emphatically. It might be better that this is happening in the parking lot rather than in the middle of the restaurant.

“You’re fucking— You’re fucking something, okay? Carmen is a bitch, you were right— You’re good, Richie. You’re fucking good and—and— You were here, and you’re important, and— And— I didn’t fuckin’ say that enough, back then. So, I’m fuckin’ doin’ it now. I love you, and I’m here, and if fuckin’— If Eva ever needs anything, I’m there, if you’re ever in need, I’m there. If you just want to fuckin— Fuckin’ text someone, and actually just hang out like Normals—I’m there for that, too. I’d even go to fucking Tif’s wedding with you, if that helped.”

Richie’s got a couple tears going, which is good for you, because it makes your sobbing less embarrassing. “Fuck, Cousin…” He looks down, rubbing the bridge of his nose, like a self-soothing technique. When he looks back up to face you, he blurts it out.

“You wanna see a Taylor Swift concert wit’ me?”

Your response is immediate and baffled, “What?”

“I’ve got three tickets for me n’ Eva but Tif won’t come, it’s in January.”

You take a moment to buffer, brain half moving out of the tender moment. Shaking your head in disbelief, still fully crying.

“Richie… That sounds, like the worst experience I could ever imagine. You couldn’t pay me to write an outing so perfectly curated to be the worst, for me.”

“Don’t fuckin’ hate on T Swift—” “Richie, I’d love to.”

The death grip grab and hug is so immediate. You feel bad for getting tears and probably snot on his coat, but he said himself it’s a knock off, so he’ll live.

“You didn’t fail Mikey, Chip.” He kisses the crown of your head. Richie must be a good dad. You’d tell him that, but he might overload, the man doesn’t get acknowledged much, you’ve got to take it slow with the praise. You don’t reply to his sentiment, so he repeats it.

“Y’did everythin’ you humanly could.”

“I could’ve done a couple things different.”

“So could I. It my fault, too, then?”

You both know very well, that you blame yourselves. And as much as both of you would like it to, this one cry-fest isn’t going to magically make all of those bleeding guilts go away. Especially not after Carmen tore those stitches right back open.

“Well, no—” “‘Xactly.”

But you accept it, for the moment. “…Okay.” For this moment, you get the lesson.

And you’ll both forget it tomorrow, when you have that split second in the A.M. Where Mikey is still alive, before you remember. But right now, it’s neither of your faults that the glue between you died and left you both to figure out how to still stick together. You stay in that hug for quite a while, crying and rocking back and forth, before Richie lets go saying, “Aright, I do actually need a fuckin’ cig.”

“You’re going to give me second hand smoke and kill me.”

He smirks, already fishing out a loosie from his pocket. “We can only hope.”

Despite your complaints and not being a smoker, you still pull out a lighter for him. Mom friend. Never know when you’re going to need a fire. You cup the flame for him. This is the worst Friday of your life, you’re pretty sure. But here is Richie, sticking beside you. And here you are, sticking beside him.

Syd steps out, she keeps crossing between a walk and a jog to you two, unsure of what looks more awkward. You don’t know, but you do know the option of switching between both is easily the most awkward.

She asks, walk-jogging up to you, “Are you good?”

“I’ve been better.”

She grabs your face in her hands, reviewing your puffy bleary-eyed face. Just looking at it makes her want to cry, too. You hold her wrists. “M’sorry for cryin’ in your kitchen. I know that’s the type shit you deal with all the time—”

Richie and Syd speak in unison, a rarity, for them to be on the same page. “No the fuck it’s not.”

Sydney continues, “That was extremely not normal. Crazy fucked up of him to say that shit— I don’t even know like— Like any of the backstory, but even I know that was fucked up to say.”

You sniff, nodding slightly. “Yeah, a little.”

“A lot.”

You nod, no longer fighting to downplay it. That was fucked up of Carmen, you don’t need to try to make it seem less bad. “Yeah, a lot.”

She nods back, still holding your face. Bandaged fingers pressed against your head. “What d’you wanna do?”

“Go home?” Cry? Eat freezer cake?

“Well, yeah.” She chuckles, so you do too. “I mean like, like—” She nods behind her, to The Bear. What do you want to do going forward? Never talk to him again? I’ll do it, too. She’s saying, wordlessly.

“I— I don’t fuckin’ know.” You admit, laughing, but hollow. The very idea of reconciliation feels impossible, at the moment. “I think I’m just gonna, fuckin’ ignore it, until it comes up. Just don’t break shit until I figure it out, I guess.”

“Wedding gig is gonna be so awkward.”

“Oh, fuck—” Entirely forgot, about the wedding gig, next weekend. Vinnie and Mira, destination wedding. New York.

Richie pipes in, “Tonight’s gonna be awkward enough, don’t even wanna go the fuck back in.”

Syd nods, letting go of your face. “I think like, half the kitchen wants to walk right now, just to fuck with him. I do, too. Should we just say fuck this and go to Mattina?”

“Don’t think they’re open, only do breakfast and lunch.” Richie knows their hours; it wasn’t always just Mikey and you there. He takes a drag, he blows it away from you, so you don’t get second hand smoke.

“Fuck... Could do Denny’s? Inky, you fuck with Denny’s, still?”

‘Think once you realize, you’ll leave, and it’ll all leave with you.’ That’s what Carmen was scared of, exactly. What he thought would happen, if the other shoe dropped. Is this you leaving? This might be you leaving. This should be more dramatic, if this is you leaving, shouldn’t it? There should be finale music ringing in your ears, somehow. But instead, you’re in a parking lot with a chain smoker and your girl, making shitty diner plans.

You can’t let them leave Carmen. So much work cannot be wasted just for your hurt heart. You shake your head— Then nod, confusing yourself. “I—I do still fuck with Denny’s, but y’all have to go back in, you can’t fuck him over.”

“I very specifically want to fuck him over.” Syd’s quick to reply, Richie nods, agreeing. These two are only bonding over a mutual love of you and a current mutual hate of Carmen.

“You gotta get your star, Squid.”

She swallows, at that. She loves you, she does. But you’re right. You always are. This is her entirely livelihood and career, she can’t just dip out, because of a fight. She’s done it before, during the worst rush of her life, but that was small potatoes compared to this.

“Go hold it down,” You look at both of them, nodding to The Bear. “Don’t let anyone walk, solidarity is cute, but I’ll be okay.”

Regardless of how right you are, both Richie and Syd boo you. “Let him drown!”

It’s hard not to laugh. “Fuckin’ —guys— I’m serious.”

“I’m fuckin’ serious too, Chip!” Richie jabs at your shoulder, lightly, “Thought you said you take me fuckin’ serious?”

“Bitch—” You click your tongue, pointing at him, sighing. You can’t help but smile. They’re both on your team, to the bitter end. “I will see you at the wedding, aright? I’ll text you, both of you.”

“You driving, too?”

You and Syd both back up, for a second, expressions baffled. You’re first to ask Richie, “You’re driving?”

He’s equally confused. “What, you’re fuckin’ flying?”

“Cicero’s paying, why wouldn’t we?”

“Uncle Jimmy is fuckin’ paying?!” Richie gives him an emotionally charged chocolate covered banana and still hasn’t gotten on Uncle’s good side? This is bullshit.

“He’s paying for everyone! Or at least I thought he was—” Syd replies for you. “That was like the whole fuckin’ deal— Did you not get emailed a boarding pass?”

“No! He told me to get gas— You’re fuckin’ flying—?”

You clap your hands together, “Richie, what the fuck is going on in your life that this is not the first thing that you clarified for plans?” You tap Syd on the shoulder, “Marcus said he’s cool with switching seats, by the way, so we can sit together.”

“I have a fuckin kid, aright—”

“Ooohh—” You and Syd mock him in unison. “We get it.” “Whoop-di-doo.” “Did you hear, Squid?” “What’s that, Inky?” “Richie has a kid!” “What? No way. He definitely doesn’t bring it up all the fuckin’ time.”

“Alright, fuck you two.” He waves you both off. “Plane's gonna crash.”

Syd shrugs, “You’re doing a twelve-hour road trip, you’re gonna crash—”

“Fucks Inky mean anyways? Stupid ass nickname—” “Oh, like Chip is so original—” “Actually, a dead guy coined it, so betchu feel real dumb now—” “I’m not capable of feeling dumb—”

You interrupt, “Girls, girls, you’re both beautiful.”

That quells them with snorts of laughter, quickly. They both shove at you. Equilibrium.

You explain to Rich, “I called Syd ‘Squid’ in high-school— Literally just ‘cause it sounds funny, and uh, she felt jealous that she didn’t have one for me—”

“I don’t know if jealous is the word—” “So Inky just became the call n’ response. Cause, cause squid ink?”

“Yeah, I’m not fuckin’ stupid. I can do two plus two, Chip.” Richie tucks his hands in his pockets. It’s starting to get a little chilly. You’re now remembering you left Carmen’s jacket at expo. Goddammit, now you’re remembering Carmen and your heart hurts again. You hug your shoulders.

“What’s Chip, anyways?” Syd asks, you and Richie both cringe, just slightly. Syd mimics it. “Bad?”

You shrug, “Just… It takes a lot, to explain, I guess.” Personal. “We’ll need a trip to Denny’s, for that one.”

“So? Let’s go.”

What did you just say. “Bitch—”

“Heard.” Syd cuts you off, laughing. She gives you a tight hug. “Text me when you get home.”

You hug her back, even tighter, if possible. “I will.”

“I’m glad you’re back.” It’s been three years, since you were really daily friends with Syd. And though you clicked right back into place no problem, in this hug, the feeling really starts to set in of how much you two needed each other this whole time. It’s been so long since you both had a best friend. It was good to be apart, and learn things apart, but now you’re both back. It’s not just Richie that you returned to.

“I’m glad I’m back, too.” You clap her back a few times, before letting go. “Alright, it’s been like ten fucking minutes, go be great. Get a star. Or a chance at a chance for a star.”

“Heard, Chip.” “Heard, Ink.”

One last hug from Richie, before they head back in, and you pop in your car, and drive off. Back home. Music blasts from your radio the entire ride, to keep you from thinking. Screaming along to diss tracks help soothe the soul in any scenario, you think. Won’t let anything hit, this way.

A stray cat, the stray cat, the one you feed on your fire escape, is surprise surprise, on your fire escape, when you get home. She’s (you think she’s a she, you’re not super sure how to check, you’re a former E.M.T, not a Vet tech.) biting the flowers you potted out there. The flowers Carmen stole for you.

After a quick google check to make sure none of them are poisonous to cats, you let her. Let the cat decide how much of him stays. You dish out a pile of kibble for her on the one black plate Carmen gave you. You leave it on the fire escape, long after she finishes. Let the elements decide if it gets ruined.

Let Carmen breaking your text streak, never sending you a belated Connections result tonight, decide if this is the end.

This could be the end.

The same picture frame that fell off your wall, just two weeks ago, when you were making the painting for Carmen, falls again. You grumble, picking up the picture frame, setting it on the coffee table. You’ll nail it up properly in the morning. You roll your eyes at the phantom that you’re never certain actually haunts you.  “Mikey, shut the fuck up, this is your fault, y’know…”

You sigh, staring nowhere. The wind blows against your window.  “I guess it's both our faults.”

You drag your feet, walking to your bedroom.

“I know you said I’d be a perfect match for your little brother, but at this point, I’m taking that as a read.”

It was so fun for me, the way y'all were like, ah, i'm sure this'll be so painful when this is resolved next chapter because Carmen will scream at her about it. hahahahahhaha-- You think the least yet most direct bitch of all time was going to actually confront what he was upset about? NO1!!!!!!! WE'VE ONLY GOT MORE QUESTIONS NOW. WHAT THE FUCK CARMEN!!! What's with that Advanced Payment? And I didn't lie bro, go back and read it, Tony did say Nat's brother covered it. Sneaky sneaky....

Oh, also. Y'all thought I would let the freezer fight slide by? Naahhhh, golden moment of television, just delayed the inevitable muhahahahha and got the FAILED MIKEY?!?!?!?! BROOOOOOOO was it as bad as you thought it would be or no? worse? better? lmk

I loved writing Syd and Richie w/ Tony here. I can't believe any of you thought I wouldn't see Richie and Tony's much needed reconciliation through--- If this was a Richie fanfic, 100% this would've been their smooch moment, fr. Also if you're a taylor swift fan, please don't be mad at me i was doing a funny okokokokokok-- (I also just think it means a lot more, if it's something she doesn't want to do, but will, for him)

i know it's technically still 2022 in their universe but tony was in that fucking car ride home listening to fuckin Ain't Shit, HISS, euphoria, Like That, Not Like Us, Not Nice (YOUR MAMA AINT WORTH THE CRACK YOU SMOKE BITCH!!!!!!!) I know she was so heated in there.

We've got a taglist, I'm bad at keeping track of it, but remember if u wanna be added to this silly little thing you need to hand in an essay (more like a cute lil paragraph) tellin' me what you thought! And also ask. Duh. BUT YA GOTTA DO BOTH!~

@anytim3youwant @navs-bhat @whoknowswhoiamtoday @gills-lounge @slut4supersoldiers @sinceweremutual @itsallacotar @catsrdabestsocks101 @popcornpoppin @renaissance-painting @lostinwonderland314 @v0ctin

I am sorry if your tag doesn't work this is why I hate tag lists tumblr always makes me manually type and sometimes it still don't even work...

As always, i'm always so grateful that you've given me your attention with reading, and if you have thoughts, i'd love to hear em! I always read your comments/reblogs too, even if I don't always reply. Adore y'all.

[thatfrailsoul]

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P.s. See the full painting at the end!♡

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Slow down for a moment. Allow your heart to guide you, to tell you if there is really a message here for you... And whatever the answer is, feel free to listen to it or to let go. Remembering that when you will be ready or will have the need, your true message will find its way to you.♡

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Yes. Because, even though it's unfair, even though it was so overwhelmingly painful and challenging - it was necessary. Because you're so persistent and ready to fight for what you love, for what you consider right... that you would've never been able to let it go. To see the reality, understand and accept the fact that it was more harmful than right for you. That situation. That decision. That person. The ones that the world decided to protect you from, stepping in when you needed it the most. Even if you are starting to realize it only now. Now that, not so gently but for your own good, you were pushed away. Into a new and different phase of your life.

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Even though this journey was always meant to end... Its transformation into that battle that you've had to endure was not the way it was supposed to happen. Your heart, so powerful, convinced and ready to fight for what it feels is right... Was too strong this time. Had too much resilience to make this work, no matter how, no matter how much you would've need to try. And although there is absolutely nothing wrong with it... Sometimes it's exactly this desire and perseverance that makes us lose sight of the reality and what is right.

Especially, when we are running from our past, determined to don't make the same mistakes that scared us so much. To the point that it's easier to sacrifice ourselves to make everything change and adapt, then to accept that no matter how much we tried to avoid it, we found the same pain and nightmare even if in someone new, far away from the past.

But everything is alright now, even if it still hurts and every memory makes your heart tremble. You are fine now. You are safe. You escaped and found your right path once again.

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Pile Three, the six of wands

You handled it much better than you imagine. You made the right choices even if the wounds they created make you doubt. It happened. But it doesn't really matter why or how. It's already in the past, as the time keeps running and drags you with its passage. With all the new beginnings, new people, new moments and emotions that almost overwhelm your life. Not leaving you a second to process and allow yourself to take a break and realize...

But rather than being a cruel joke and coincidence, it's more of an awkward way of this world to not allow you to fall into that spiral in your mind. It's their way to not allow you to focus on anything but your strength, courage and all the things that still await you in your life.

Because the most important thing, truly, is that you are here now, and everything about what happened... is already far far away in the past. The one that you already faced and survived, and that doesn't need anymore the attention of your heart and mind.

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"The Bouquet", 1900, by Wladyslaw Czachorski.

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[copalcetic]

“We asked for a chance to defeat the Sith, and we failed."

This is what Kanan tells Ezra when Ezra asks why Yoda sent them to Malachor, and it haunts me. They asked for a chance, and Yoda gives them one, and they fail. And after that, as far as I can tell? Yoda writes them off. Yoda never appears to them after Malachor; Obi-Wan, when Ezra turns up on Tatooine, tells him "You're in the wrong place," refuses to help the Rebellion, and sends him home. All Yoda and Obi-Wan's eggs are in one basket, and that basket is labeled "Luke." Kanan and Ezra are on their own.

It would be so easy for them to give up. They're not the chosen ones; they failed their test. Who could blame them?

But they don't. Kanan works through his depression, Ezra comes back from the dark, and they keep fighting. It doesn't matter that they'll never defeat the Sith. It doesn't matter that the battles they fight are insignificant on the galaxy-wide scale, that no one really cares about Lothal except them and their friends. It doesn't matter that the structure of the Star Wars franchise means they'll never even be a footnote to history; by A New Hope, no one will remember them.

What matters is that the fight is worth fighting, so they're going to give it all they have.

This is why I love Rebels, and all the other bits of Star Wars sandwiched between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope. We have lots of stories, as a culture, about people who vanquish evil; we don't have nearly as many that valorize people who fight battles they can't win. We watch these shows and play these games knowing that the protagonists won't defeat Vader or the Empire, knowing they're living in the wrong place and the wrong time, and we learn to care anyway. We learn that even impossible fights are worth fighting, that every skirmish matters even when they're not what wins the war.

We need more media like that. Because most of us are never going to be the ones who strike the final blow (if a final blow even exists) against climate change, or bigotry, or whatever battle we're fighting. And it is so easy to give up hope, and so important to remember that the struggle matters, even when you fail.

[shortpplfedup]

We Are Episodes 9-12: They got me, they really got me

My heart has exploded. This show has ruined me. I'm crying on a Wednesday afternoon about a bunch of queer boys all actively doing their best by each other every day. This show is saying 'Your actions matter. Your intentions matter. Your words matter. IT ALL MATTERS.' Also, we unlocked everything about this show by learning two very important backstories: the story of Tan and Fang, and Phum and Fang's family history.

I think this block of eps has been the most explicitly romantic section of the show so far. Bookended by two of the now-requisite-for-Thai-BL change of scenery trips (and man that volunteer camp paid dividends), this was just a great, GREAT bit of Show. One of my favourite things about how the relationships are progressing in this show is that they are allowing these boys to have courtship. Yeah, they might be attracted to each other, like each other, even make out with each other, but there is a gap between 'I like you' and 'I want to be with you' that romance doesn't always explore. Stating your intentions and deliberately and actively wooing somebody still matters. In the West, and especially in the limited western romance we get, sometimes it feels like we've decided it is juvenile and/or old-fashioned, it is somehow uncool, to require declaration, to ask and receive an answer. We have cool-girled (non-gender-specific) our way into the age of the noncommittal extended situationship. This show allows all of these boys to have that bit of romance, to expect it, to require it, and to have that taken seriously.

Phum and Peem had a rocky start, so it makes sense that it would take time and effort for them to get to a place where Peem feels comfortable admitting his feelings for Phum, even if he has accepted them to himself (him letting Khluen down gently was such a nice touch), and cannot keep himself from showing them at every turn. A detail I love is that Phum continues to apologise for the way he treated Peem at the start. He so so sincerely regrets it all, in a believable way, and he does not take Peem's forgiveness as a given at all. Him declaring himself in front of all of their friends and going all out to woo Peem is part of that apology, along with his actual multiple, repeated 'I'm sorry's. And then him going STRAIGHT to Peem when he had that fight with his dad, and Peem dropping all the flirty games instantly because he knew something was wrong...BURY MEEEEEEEEEEE.

Tan finally told his friends the story of him and Fang and EVERYTHING about this show clicked into place with that information. Understanding how and when this all started for them explains not only their entire dynamic, but also draws direct lines from them to every other couple. The rocky start? That's Phum and Peem. Falling slowly over time? Q and Toey. Afraid to ruin the friendship? Totally where I see Chain and Pun landing. And then across this chunk we get to see the interiority of their relationship now, and the DEPTHS of their devotion to and understanding of each other. They truly, madly, deeply love each other, exactly for who they each are. Plus, enthusiastically mutually horny for each other, which is always fun to see.

Q and Toey spend some time here really talking through their history and their feelings, explaining their past actions to each other and laying to rest a lot of their fears and hurts from Q's sudden disappearance from Toey's life and Toey's sudden appearance in Q's. These two were working at cross-purposes and off incorrect assumptions for so long, them finally getting onto the same page thanks to their meddling-ass friends was just a giant exhale. And Q asking Toey to be his boyfriend in the way it all began, at the place it all began put me so very deep in my feels.

They are really letting the Chain/Pun thing build up in the background, in tiny moments and offhand comments, and every morsel we get of them feels like it matters. I'm sure that's part practicality given the reshoots, but Chain and Pun also feel like those friends in the group who turn up married one day when nobody knew they even liked each other. In my Hospital Playlist analogy for this show, they are Ik Jun and Song Hwa, down to Chain's loving indulgence of Pun's tuneless insistence on singing.

The non-romantic relationships in this show continue to be the cherry on the sundae. Q and Peem's friendship, Phum and Beer's friendship, Toey and Matt's friendship, the brotherly love between Fang and Phum, Pun and Mick's himbo bromance, how ride or die EVERYBODY is for Toey, how fully integrated Phum, Beer, Mick, Toey and Matt are into the crew now, the silly fun they have when all the gang's together...I'm so emotional about this. I will give New Siwaj that he has always understood that great romances need great friendships to support them. I haven't always liked how he has put those together narratively, or managed the tonal shifts involved, but this one is just working gangbusters for me.

Four more eps to go and I have gone from thinking 16 eps were too many to never wanting this show to leave me. At the same time, I'm aware that we're moving into the New Siwaj Red Zone (aka the final act), where things often fall apart with him. Still, I'm having such a good time so far I'm choosing optimism. Time to update my couple scores.

Q and Toey: 3.5/4 hearts

Their romantic arc is more or less winding down now I think, and they're moving into cupid role for Phum and Peem. I have so thoroughly enjoyed this journey and look forward to seeing how they work as a team in the final bit!

Phum and Peem: 3.5/4 hearts

These two are ruining me, I am giggling kicking my feet all week thinking about them. Peem saying the ocean was too far when Phum wanted to take him there to feel better, but taking Phum there without a second thought when Phum showed up shaken and sad...NO YOU'RE CRYING.

Tan and Fang: 4/4 hearts

They are the absolute heart of this show. Just rock solid, undeniable, unquestionable. Tan saying in ep 12 he wants to be Fang's safe zone AND his family? Fang shouting out his love? PLEASE CALL ME SINGLE MORE QUIETLY ABEG.

Pun and Chain: 3/4 hearts

There is no heterosexual or even queerplatonic explanation for these two, and so the candle in my window stays lit for them.

[the-one-that-weeps]

The new Mafuyu event is so interesting to me because while I'm not exactly a Mafudad hater I am Mafudad unbeliever. I am way too familiar with the "emotionally unstable/abusive mother+ emotionally unavailable/distant/enabler father" combo (one might say intimately) and like... He might've not participated in the abuse directly but I don't trust him to be good enough a parent when Mafuyu didn't trust him enough to even drop a hint of what was happening, to reach out to him even just for comfort when she was at her lowest? That's sus. Sure he wasn't even there and I truly believe he was absolutely blind to all of what was going on but that's all he was, at best. He's trying and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt but I really hope people and Sega don't boil down his story to "uh actually mafumom manipulated him too!" because literally any option is more interesting than that.

(You can publish thit one!)

This explains my own opinion on the matter pretty well, but I'll be using it to showcase and reason as to why, and also give some Mafudad information for those that don't know yet.

Obviously, his place in the narrative changes drastically with the arrival of Niigo World Link and post-3anni as a whole, but this man is shady.

Mafudad makes his most prominent appearance in Nightcord main story. He starts to become less and less important after that, carefully fading into the background.

He mostly acts as a compliment to Mafumom, agreeing with her ways and urging Mafuyu to do what she says. That being said, he also says this:

Which might indicate that he trusts Mafuyu's decisions more than her mother, which might be a reference to his behaviour post Sayonara to My Persona.

He's also the person that bought Mafuyu her synthesizer. It is unclear if Mafumom ever asked him about it before removing it from Mafuyu's grasp.

It's also somewhat implied in both Mirage of Light and Guiding a Lost Child that Mafudad works most of the day and doesn't spend much time with his family. This might mean he just wasn't aware of the abuse in his household because he's not very present. However:

That doesn't really matter because Mafuyu rounds him up with people that oppress her true feelings. Mafudad has caused his daughter as much harm as Mafumom might have, even if he hasn't done much.

This doesn't even touch on the fact that he never calls out Mafumom for her behaviour even after third anniversary. Even though his daughter looks absolutely dead inside and it's her fault.

I'm not opposed to Mafudad having a turn around, I'm saying if you do want this man to become good, he has to make up for the horrible amount of shitty behaviour he's shown previously.

[raayllum]

Hey Raayllum. I was just curious to know as to why you believe Rayla hurt herself, considering she's been wronged and abandoned by everyone in her life. Do you think that Rayla doesn't let Callum love her? It really bothers me that nobody ever defends her besides Callum.

Like I understand, Amaya was defending her nephew, but I think she was being completely judgemental towards Rayla. I'm just saying. It was unfair.

To start I'm gonna talk about Rayla, but I wanna clarify before the read more that I don't think Amaya was being unfair at all or overly judgemental; that said, we'll work our way there.

I think Rayla struggles to do exactly what she says so in the show: she struggles to share her burdens. She struggles to let herself be vulnerable / be 'weak'. Which given "your heart wasn't hard enough to do whatever it takes" + growing up in a 'one strike and you're out' community system could not have helped the issues she already had as a young child to begin with: "I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't strong enough" (Bloodmoon Huntress).

Most of the time even when she's telling people what's wrong, it's still under the lens of "this is the price I'm paying and even though it hurts I'm totally fine with it, actually, you don't need to help me." She's not asking for solutions, she's updating them on the choices/prices she's already decided to pay.

Whether because of her own perceived mistakes, or because of other people's choices, or because there's something Much More Important than her own personal wellbeing to ever possibly prioritize, of course.

She wants / wanted to "be strong alone" (and sometimes had to be) and she has a very hard time forgiving herself / giving herself the same compassion she shows other people.

That said, we shouldn't say she's making no progress. 5x04 is the first time in the entire show she 1) seeks someone out to talk about her own problems and 2) talks about her own problems because she wants to, not just because she feels guilty, or because she's having a breakdown. That's huge, and shows she's beginning to learn to accept the grace given to her - there's just a long way to go.

She's bad at being nice to herself, too. Why should her pain, or what she puts herself through, matter? She can shoulder it alone. It's fine. Until it isn't. And, luckily, until she doesn't have to.

But again, thankfully, she's starting to improve.

With that in mind, as said, I don't think Amaya was being unfair at all. She barely knows Rayla, she's a lot closer to Callum, and she saw his heartbreak up close. Then she sees Callum and Rayla show up together, out of nowhere, when Amaya didn't even know Rayla had come back into his life. Of course she has her guard up (nor does Amaya ever say she was right to hurt Rayla back at the Banther Lodge because Rayla ended up hurting her nephew; her issues with Rayla are now completely removed from her being an elf, and she's also being hyperbolic).

Rayla did hurt Callum; she did abandon him, and she did break his heart. She had 'good reasons' for doing so, or at least good intentions. She was scared of losing him. She wanted to protect him from what she saw as her burdens. She "couldn't bear to put him in danger" just over her (because, for a lot of the reasons stated above, she doesn't think she's worth that; regardless). But she was still wrong to leave. That said, Rayla was wrong to leave not only because it hurt Callum, but also because it hurt herself, and Amaya is the first person we've seen directly acknowledge it (although Callum does so in the background that will likely be taken to the forefront in S6).

Amaya, who's had a 4 season long arc about developing more empathy and seeing herself in others ("We gain nothing if we throw away the chance to learn and grow"), is also able to recognize what's going on, because she's been through it herself. And she identifies it all for what it is: a hyper independent trauma response because of grief and fear.

R: You think I meant to hurt Callum? That's the last thing I wanted! A: You abandoned him. You broke his heart. R: I was trying to protect him! I left without him because I couldn't bear to put him in danger. I knew I had to be strong alone. A: [Sighs] You know who you sound like? R: Who?! A: Me.

R: Oh... Thanks, I think? A: When I was growing up, my big sister Sarai was the smartest, strongest, bravest person I knew. When she died, I felt lost and weak without her. I hated feeling that way, so I learned to be strong alone. Stoic, strong, and lonely. R: That... does sound like me sometimes. A: But the last two years have changed everything. Meeting Janai, falling in love. I am stronger now than I have ever been, because we are stronger together. And I realized that was the real truth of me and Sarai, too. Love and trust grow a kind of strength that is much bigger than we each possess. To have that kind of strength, it is not enough to love someone. You have to trust them to share the burdens you carry.

Amaya and Rayla once had a spat in the Banther Lodge because Rayla asserted that she was alone (which I think Rayla truly believed, anyone, running off with two boys she barely knows) and Amaya called her a liar. Now, Amaya reminds her that the choice to be strong alone is a choice, and she can make new ones; she can let trust coexist with the endurance of her love to make something that's stronger together, and Rayla takes her up on it.

Like Amaya says in 4x06, "All I ask is that your justice is compassionate." Amaya calls Rayla out, and then she offers actual help so that the pattern doesn't persist, so that she's less likely to hurt Callum in that way again. You can't fix people's emotional problems or relationships for them; you can only keep giving them chances, if you want to.

Thankfully, Callum and Rayla both want to - so they do.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for wanting to play with my best friend forever?

I (M, lost track of age) have been playing a game with by best friend (NB, also lost track of their age) for some time now. I've been refusing to let them win the game so that we can keep playing together forever, because they're the only one who's any fun to play with anymore - everyone else is so BORING now.

Here's the problem - they're way more interested in playing with everyone ELSE instead of me. All they do is run around, frolicking in the fields of friendship, making friends with all these boring, one-note characters like a STUPID kid. They get upset when I kill their friends, or rip their "happy ending" right out of their grasp - but it's THEIR fault for getting so attached to everyone else! They don't HAVE to keep befriending everyone - if they didn't do that, none of them would get hurt, and seeing everyone get hurt wouldn't hurt THEM.

Besides, nobody else MATTERS! All of those other people, they can just be brought back. Reset. You can kill them, befriend them, traumatize them, it doesn't matter! They're just CHARACTERS! So why...?

My best friend, my ONLY friend - THEY'RE the only one who's really important. They're the only person who's any fun to play with any more. But all they've been trying to do is leave me. It's SICK! I've been away from them for so long, and they expect me to let go of them again so quickly!?

I'm not the asshole here. Surely YOU can see that, right? Tell me I'm wrong.

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

TimKonBartCassie Clone Baby AU

Part 2

He jolts awake from if you call weird dream's about a gun slinging toddler with a flying a dog a restful sleep, to awake in a second.

It takes about ten more seconds for him to realize he is in his room at Titans Tower, his kid is gone which he is not currently too worried about once he remembers the conversation from last night.

He's already heading back to the lounge figuring it a good place to hunt down a secret keeping Impulse and everyone else.

Kon is holding him the baby asleep, while Bart rests in Cassie's lap. Various baby items from bibs, diapers, and clothes are neatly placed to the side of the couch.

Kon greets him with a soft smile that he can't help but return before sliding down next to Bart.

It's comfortable and he's grateful that's no one's mad, that they all just accepted Luci once again he's surprised by how family just goes with it no matter what.

He loves them so much.

It's only been about two minutes before Cassie breaks the silence.

"Alright, we don't know how much you remember but you passed out, we figured the sleep deprivation caught up, Kon carried you to bed, we wanted to wait until you were awake to finish the discussion about everything."

Tim breathes he wants to know everything Bart knows but logically this doesn't just concern them if Jason has a kid he has to inform him. Nevermind that he needs to get back to Gotham and talk to everybody.

"Ok, I think we all should head to Gotham, I can call a family meeting, Bart can finish saying whatever he knows to everyone, because I don't think it's fair that we sit with information that could effect everyone, but I don't just want to decided or do anything I already did, something pretty big without talking to you guys."

"I agree mostly the cave would be the best place, I'm not exactly ecstatic about talking to everyone. I think Rob's right, also I want Jon to meet his nephew."

Kon brings up a point that he hadn't factored in Bruce is a grandfather now Dick is a uncle so is Jason and Damian. He also kinda really wants to show off his baby he finally understands why Bruce keeps photos of them all in his wallet.

"I agree Diana is gonna be all over our little hellraiser and it's a lot easier if we just gather everyone up and do one giant explanation, than doing it a million times. Also I don't know about anyone else but free babysitting is a perk, kiddo didn't want to sleep at all most likely cause Mom passed out on the floor but who knows?"

Tim can't disagree other than, wait why is he mom?

"Tim you talked in your sleep and were very offended that Dad has baby memorie before Mom cause you created him."

Kon laughs distracting him with his sparkly eyes, how unfair.

"I didn't mean to say that out loud and yes I did all the complicated stuff so I will be Mom if I want to although I will share with Cassie if I have to." He pouts. 

It's surreal that he really does mean that and for some reason mom or dad it doesn't matter one bit he has a little baby, his own baby bird.

"Alright boys I think we should get a move on, Tim send out a message and have Batman gather everyone up, he will probably have an easier time then we would."

He grabs his phone he didn't even realize that he had it luckly it's late enough in the day that work and school for everyone shouldn't be a problem.

He texts both Bruce and Alfred that something happened no one is hurt, but he needs everyone in the cave from Supers, Bats, Titans, Outlaws, Wonder Woman's essentially if we would want them to know something important they need to be there as fast as possible.

Not even ten seconds later his phone rings which he expected.

"Tim what's happening?"

He's terrified it's really setting in that he has a a kid.

That he has to tell Bruce.

Yet he's relieved it's Batman, It's Bruce, it's Dad.

He fix anything and hopefully teach him how to change a diaper.

He can't stop the sob that follows.

"I just need you to do this, please Dad it's... I did something stupid, but so amazing and just please I need you ok. I am coming with Young Justice it involves all of us and make sure our family's there, just please. I can't explain over the phone."

"Ok sweetheart I don't know what's going on but it will be ok. Anything can be figured out. Alfred is calling everyone will be here in about an hour. Are you ok? Injuried?"

"No I'm ok just make sure everyone's there Dick, Alfred just we need them. I'll be there in about an hour and a half. I love you."

He hangs up.

-

Bruce is terrified he never dialed so quickly in his life and his son sounds well upset doesn't even begin to cover it, but he knows it's important he only had to look at Alfred before he was calling Jason who was already with Roy picking up Lian.

Dick, Damian, Duke, Cass already are waiting in the cave he practically screamed for them to get down here.

Alfred quietly informing them that something happened and that everyone needs to get to the cave.

Bruce can't move he hears Jason come in but he can't greet him.

Soon the Titans arrive conversing with mainly Roy and Dick.

Clark, Diana and Barry arrive soon after.

He sees Jon talking quietly with Damian finally he gets up.

Looks at his children, teammates and everyone he could possible think of might need to know about a catastrophic event.

He clears his throat.

"I received a message from Young Justice, I don't know what happened, all I know is it's something major apperently no one is injured but they need us I expect whatever is going on is upsetting they will need our support."

He looks at his boys and Cass trying to push reassurance but he doesn't succeed.

Clark and Diana look two seconds away from flying to Titans Tower only stopped by Alfred.

It's been a little over an hour and Bruce wants nothing more than to hunt down his son, and wrap him in his cape but he's stopped by Zeta Tube turning on.

Everyone turns.

Out steps an exhausted looking Connor Kent, followed by Cassie Sandsmark who shoot a quick smile at Bruce which immediately confuses him.

They both block the zeta glaring at everyone until Bart Allen appears holding up a clearly exhausted Tim who still has tear tracks on his face.

He looks like he is gonna drop at any minute but before Bruce can rush to his son.

Tim steps away from all three wrapped in Superboy's Jacket.

The leather falls.

There's a baby.

A exhausted grin comes across Tim's face before he speaks.

"I had a baby, these are the parents also Bart has a story to share...... Surprise?"

Before Bruce can even blink Dick is across the room followed by Jason.

Jason who quickly steals the bundle with a soft coo.

Dick kisses Tim's forehead before picking him up

"I gotcha little brother, to the med bay we go."

Jason follows a step behind purposefully keeping the baby in sight of his third son.

It takes less than a minute before Alfred is checking over Tim only to be quickly interrupted by Kon who is laughing.

"Rob, that phasing could use some work, yes we have a baby, he did not however give birth to it in the traditional sense. Not that I don't agree with the coddling he deserves it. What I want to know is why exactly did you people just steal our kid, if Mom needs a break he's got three Dads over here."

Dick interrupts from his place by Tim's side.

"My little brother is my priority he will be taken care of by me. I assume little brother goes where baby goes so baby will also be taken care of by me. I also could care less of how Littlest Bird came to be, all that matters is my brother and the baby are healthy and ok."

He glares straight at Connor which Bruce quickly joins him how dare that boy. His baby had a baby. He needs his family.

Everyone is still frozen other than his boys.

He walks over to Jason to get a closer look at his granddaughter based off the pink blanket.

He wants to hold her and keep her safe until Tim can but Jason looks two seconds away from shooting anyone who gets to close so she will be perfectly safe.

He will check on his baby instead.

He kisses Tim on the forehead who is being prescribed rest and fluids by Alfred. He will also not be walking anywhere for the foreseeable future he is assuming that there wasn't an actual birth but any excuse to carry his children he will take it.

Damian, and Cass have joined around Tim. Clearly both on guard with their brother so clearly vulnerable. 

"I am really glad you guys are taking it so well, but Bart has important information for us all, and Jay, I would like my baby and maybe a hug from Dick in that order."

Quickly she is given back to Tim and Dick joins wrapping around them a soft smile directed at them both.

"Yeah it might be best if I start talking, cause I think Rob is gonna kill me if I don't."

[sirfrogsworth]

@vanriblogs asked for some product photography advice and it is easier to make a post rather than trying to fit everything into a reply.

Plus this might be of interest to other folks as well.

This is an example of her products.

I like your product photos a lot. Making a compelling photo of something semi two-dimensional is difficult. Adding interest with a neat background goes a long way and you do a great job of not making it too distracting.

Another approach... since you can't make your products more three dimensional, you might consider placing them on objects that are more three-dimensional.

It sounds to me like your biggest issue is mitigating unwanted reflections. Which is actually like 90% of the problem solving involved with high level product photography.

The easiest technique is to go outside on an overcast day. The world would be your light source and the only reflections would be of your camera which you have to deal with no matter what. But this kind of lighting is a little boring and weather is not very reliable.

Glossy items create what are called "image-forming reflections" on their surface. That means a picture of your light source covers your product. So what you have to do is make the light source attractive rather than the product. And typically that is done with gradient lighting.

And the way you create these gradients is by projecting a ball of light onto diffusion material. (Though for tall cylindrical objects like bottles, you would project a vertical strip of light.)

The light slowly fades away through the diffusion material which causes gradients like in this photo of my $8 gas station Aviator knockoffs...

The lenses reflect a distorted view of my light source.

Softboxes use a homogenous diffusion approach. Every inch of the surface area outputs the same intensity of light. But this kind of diffusion you are intentionally creating a hotspot that graduates away.

The industry standard gradient diffusion material is Lee 216 or Savage Translum. It's a bit pricey but a roll lasts forever. The Savage is a little thicker and more heavy duty. The Lee doesn't hold up as well but is easier to craft into different modifiers or you can hang either brand off a light stand with a boom arm. Karl demonstrates using diffusion material for gradients in this video.

If you can't afford the expensive stuff right now, you can double up tracing paper and get a similar effect.

All that said, I actually think there is another light modifier that would be perfectly suited for your particular products. And I know I look like a huge Karl Taylor fanboy (because I am) but he really is the only one doing high quality education about this stuff and he is one of the world's top product photographers.

So you might try... the Karl Taylor Light Cone!

I know that looks like a late night informercial product for photographers, but it really does work as advertised.

It is a great way to get rid of all unwanted reflections with the small exception of your camera lens which can usually be removed easily in Photoshop. The idea of the light cone is it completely surrounds your products with gradient light sources

It comes in three sizes. Big, medium, and smartphone. I think you can use the medium with your camera and the size of your products.

If you can't afford it right now, you can construct it out of tracing paper or similar diffusion material, but I'm not sure if that would be hard to get standing upright. Though you can actually turn the cone sideways too. You just have to get creative and problem solve with the space and equipment you have available. As long as you understand the principles the rest is just trial and error.

Depending on the object, you may need up to 3 lamps to get a good result but I think you can get by with two for now. It is very important they are all identical and have the exact same bulb. You will get more control if you can find lights that project a smaller ball of light onto the diffuser. That way you can back them off to make the ball of light bigger or move them closer to make it smaller.

Karl has a series of tutorials on the V-Flat World website.

Karl also has an entire education platform and you could subscribe to for a month and cancel when you have learned what you need to know. I have learned more from Karl than just about any other photographer so I can vouch for the quality of the info there.

His YouTube page has a few shorter and less in-depth product photography videos that you might find helpful as well.

Just so I don't sound like a Karl Taylor marketing robot, I also really like Martin Botvidsson. He isn't as good of a teacher, but if you are good at learning by watching others do the thing, you can absorb some good stuff from him. He also works in a much smaller space which might be useful to observe.

And Workphlo has some tutorials as well along with some surfaces you may find useful.

Now, the one thing that is important to keep in mind...

These folks all have the fanciest cameras and the fanciest lights and one of the biggest complaints they get is, "I don't have expensive gear, how am I supposed to get good photos?"

And then they constantly have to explain the principles of lighting never change and you can get good results with desk lamps and a smartphone.

Here is a video from Karl proving this point while doing a wine bottle shoot with desk lamps.

Don't fall into the fancy gear trap. You can work with what you have. It just takes a little patience and a lot of trial and error.

I took this stapler photo with a smartphone and two $40 video lights.

And these bottles too...

It was the knowledge in my brain that got these results. Fancy gear can make it much easier and it is more necessary as you get into more complicated setups, but that is something you grow into over time.

In any case, I wish you luck.

Feel free to ask questions if you run into a speed bump along the learning curve.

[justatalkingface]

If we already on Aizawa talk, it’s pretty obvious that Hori wanted to create another kakashi.

But he ultimately failed to understand what made Kakashi so popular, kakashi also wasn’t that much liked in part 1… while Aizawa is worshipped in the fandom as a saint that can’t do anything wrong.

Kakashi regretted everything at the end of part 1 and improved so much by the time of part 2.

Aizawa took 2 wars to apologize to izuku, and even then it was felt half assed.

Fundamentally, I think the thing is that Kakashi is a character that belongs in the Naruto setting. Like. He's a character that makes sense; his motivations make sense, his actions make sense... he fits.

Eraserhead, though, is unironically just all of Kakashi's beats copied onto MHA, but... you know, he's not in ninja land, so a lot of his actions don't make sense? He is a character that exists in MHA, not one that fits in it.

For example: we know Kakashi teaches because he's basically mandated by law, as part of a master apprentice system. Because the village helped raise him as high as it did (along with it being an absolute military dictatorship built around trying to monopolize violence), he's obligated to give back to it by helping raise the next generation.

Moreover, it quickly became apparent that he liked teaching. He may not have been the best at it early on, but the man unironically seemed to have a blast fucking around with teaching them every day, even before he really became attached. Also, he actually taught them things.

Aizawa teaches because he... likes teaching...? *flashes back to every moment where Aizawa basically says, 'Don't you dare child anywhere I can possibly perceive you* along with... peer pressure. Apparently.

He's in a school, where he's expected to teach entire classes of children all day, five days a week... but he seems to hate that?

He's admitted, I think on multiple occasions, that he hasn't taught them anything, (which I agree with, since he generally just exists nearby while the kids teach them damn selves.)

Another notable flaw is Hori fundamentally misunderstands why Kakashi wouldn't shut up about 'underneath the underneath' before Shippuden (where all subtly flew out the window): because the man is a fucking ninja, in a world populated by ninja, dominated by ninja wars, teaching ninja children how to be ninja.

By definition, they're supposed to be paranoid, unhappy little shits that'd sooner kill someone than believe a word they say, because that means they would have better odds of surviving the hellscape that is Naruto.

Aizawa, meanwhile. is teaching heroes. Public figures. And not only that, he's teaching how not to trust badly.

Kakashi's lessons are practical, yet calculated: when he tricks them, it's always light, harmless teasing, or a dead ass serious lesson on, 'if you keep doing this kind of thing some asshole is going to stab you'. Even though he's doing all that, though, there's never a doubt in the kid's minds to trust him if he gets serious because his happy go lucky persona is clearly that: a persona. It's just one more mask he wears, which means Serious Business is clearly separated from Silly Kakashi Fun Time.

Aizawa teaches them... that he's lazy, he hates them, and that he's allergic to the truth. That's... that's it. No matter how much he pretends it's a lesson, it's really just his personality, so the kids have no reason to trust anything he tells them without evidence.

Fundamentally, their trust in him should be so broken that it actually puts them in danger, because there really doesn't seem to be anything he takes seriously, so when he tells them something important.... they say, 'Cite?', instead of acting on what he says, because of all the other times he told them something 'important', and it was 'jUsT a LOgiCaL RUse'.

Unironically, the fact that this man was never fired actually breaks my suspension of disbelief more than the idea of superpowers ever will, and the fact that he's never gotten any of the kids he's 'taught' killed flat out destroys it. I've mentioned it before, but his behavior logically would have gotten some of that class murdered because of how little they trusted him.

All of that combined, I think, is why he's designated The Mouth of Hori, given that 'sacred' role to push whatever message Hori wants to readers to get: because he's not a character in his own right, he's a half assed Naruto character randomly put there to get viewership, so whatever out of nowhere action he does to push Hori's agenda doesn't distract from all the other out of nowhere actions he does to push Hori's agenda.

[anxious-witch]

On Charles, Edwin and Crystal's relationship with violence and how it does(and doesn't) solve their peoblems, and the inherit privledge of considering non-violence can always be the answer.

Before I get to it, sorry I cannot for the life of me find the post that talked about DBDA's relationship to violence aka that it shows that there is always a better solution and how most of the problems are solved through other means. It is a really good post, so if anyone knows it, please send me the link so I can put it here.

Anyway. What I wanted to say is that while yes, I partially agree, I don't think that's quite correct. Or not always. The series definitely makes a point of saying that things should be solved by other means whenever possible, but I think we see 3 instances where that isn't true. The first meeting with The Night Nurse and Charles, Crystal meeting David in the woods, and in part, Charles getting Edwin out of Hell.

Before I get to breaking down how each one was necessary, I think what kind of bothers me is the reaction Edwin and Crystal have to Charles attacking the Night Nurse. Not so much the inital reaction because I understand that they both have trauma connected to violence, but them insisting his reaction was extreme slightly...irks me?

I understand it from Crystal-she had a lot on her plate in the past few weeks and she just got out of abusive rs. Not to mention, she doesn't know Charles and Edwin for that long. But Edwin? My god did I wanna shake him.

Like, don't get me wrong, I love Edwin to death and the fact that he is flawed is part of that but I wish it was acknowledged that his disregard for self defense and to be able to not only refuse violence, but in many cases when Charles steps in to protect him to not even move aside because he knows Charles is there for what it is-a privledge. The fact that he never had ti physically defend himself ever since he got out of Hell is a privledge because Charles does it. And to no small personal cost. I don't think Charles likes to be violent. He doesn't revel in it, and we actually see him break down several times over thinking he is a bad person because he uses violence to defend himself and his friends.

Does he sometimes use it impulsively? Yes, as seen in the episode with the Devlins'. And he pays dearly for hi error, being stuck in a loop that's directly related to his own trauma.

But in some situations, there was no other answer. The Night Nurse would have made him and Edwin relieve their trauma until they gave in. Crystal couldn't help and in that moment, neither could Niko. Charles' violence gave them more time, which gave Edwin and then Niko, more time to think of a peaceful solution. Of a bargain. But it would not have been possible without Charles kicking her off the cliff.

For the scene with David in the woods-yeah, sure he didn't solve the whole problem of David altogether, but he did A) male him fuck off for the forseeable future and B) helped Crystal feel safer due to the fact he defended her when she was powerless. With the violence, he gives her time to gain her powers back, to come and resolve it directly when she feels safe and confident enough to do so.

We see it once again when he goes to save Edwin in Hell. Yes, they get out of Hell by running, but when Charles initally suggests it, Edwin is terrified. "If I run it chases me," he says and he doesn't move. So what does Charles do? He throws a bomb at the Dollhead Spider. Which once again, gives them time to run and escape and perhaps more importantly makes Edwin feel safe.

Violence is considered bad for a reason. But I think who and why someone uses violence is very important. A bully throwing a hit for fun and a victim throwing one back to defend themselves aren't the same. They cannot be the same. And bullies, no matter the form they take, sometimes only understand violence.

I am not saying go ahead and kill someone for bullying you. But I am saying that sometimes, the teachers don't listen until you throw a punch back. Problems should always be tried to solved peacefully, but if you think every problem can be solved non-violently, I think you had the privledge to never have to do so.

Charles takes on the burden of being a protector, of using violence as means of protection and I really hope that's acknowledged at some point. Because while yes, Edwin obviously has his own talents, Charles does his job at a great personal cost. And sometimes, while violence cannot solve the root of the problem, it can give you more time and space to get to the root. And that's okay, as long as you don't lose sight of why are you using measures you are using.

[butmakeitgayblog]

In Starlet AU, you mentioned they break up and get back together a few times before finally deciding to be together. What is that moment that finally clicks for them to decide this is it, through hell or high water we’re in this together? Do they see other people in between?

Yeah they break up several times during the beginning part of their relationship for one reason or another, though mostly it's out of fear. Fear of being found out, fear of committing to this thing that feels so fucking big in the universe, when just last year they'd both been telling themselves they'd never jeopardize their careers for anything.

Fear of ruining the most deeply intimate and profound friendship either had ever had.

There were so many moving parts to their lives and always felt like one wrong breath out of place would ruin everything. So inevitably, one or the other would get skittish and bolt because that was what they were used to doing.

In that time tho, they never stopped talking. Even at their worst, they never went a day without reaching out. Even when all they could manage was nothing more than a "good morning" and and answered "good night". Even when it hurt, even when they were so fucking mad they just wanted to punch something, even when they were heartbroken to the point they'd just sit in silence on the phone and cry. They still were each other's person who they reached out to.

But even during that mutual pining mess of a situation, they both tried to move on, yes. Clarke does go so far as to casually date someone for a few weeks - and does sleep with them, but regrets it (and continues to for the rest of her life despite knowing that, technically, at that time she didn't owe Lexa anything) because she did it for all the wrong reasons. Lexa being a lesbian and closeted doesn't afford her the same luxury of being so bold in her attempts to unattach, but she does somewhat drift back toward an old fling that she knows won't mean anything, nor will it raise any questions publicly.

But... she knows Clarke knows what it means when they're seen together. She knows Clarke remembers their confessions of how they used to handle the loneliness.

Is it petty?

Maybe.

Is it genuinely Lexa searching for solace in her pain?

Absolutely.

Is it also what inevitably leads Clarke to calling Lexa at 3 o'clock in the morning and confessing that she can't do this? That she can't do this weird fucking thing where they're pretending to be just friends again. Because they're not just friends and they never have been, because she's been at least half in love with Lexa since that afternoon in the casting office's waiting room. Because she's been completely in love with her for well over a year now, pretty much since the second Lexa let her stand barefoot on her feet just to dance to some stupid song from her childhood while she clung to her and cried.

And to admit that she fucked up. She'd fucked up because she'd tried to move on like they'd agreed. That she'd kissed him, and she'd slept with him, and now she just feels sick all of the time. Every second. And she knows that Lexa already knows it, already saw them, but she just needed to say it herself, because it's not cheating but goddamnit it still feels like it. And that she understands whatever Lexa's done to console herself through this too because she knows, she knows, she knows how hard this has been. But honestly, no matter what Lexa and that fucking waste of a girl have done, she doesn't want Lexa to ever tell her about it. Because she'll get angry. And she'll want to be mean. And she'll be so jealous she knows she couldn't breath. So she'd rather just skip that part if they please possibly could, because she'd really really really rather just be in love with Lexa instead.

That call lasts until sunrise while Clarke bags up the majority of her clothes and important possessions, because it's the last sunrise they have ever share where Clarke doesn't own a designated side of Lexa's bed 👀

[saintobio]

OK OK OK OMG I FINALLY CAUGHT YOUR ASKBOX OPEN YAYYYY!! But also...

Ummm.... Yeah no maybe it's my fault for opening my mouth xdxdsdgadvd (also for some reason it wouldn't let me take a screenshot so enjoy these shitty pics I had to take from my phone 🤡)

It's a side tangent but since you came back with sn, one of the most fun things have been to theorize and see other people's theories hehe. I honestly read sy so long ago and it had such an impact on me, so seeing you and honestly everyone back here; talking about series and excited about updates makes me feel so giddy and at home. It's been a while since I've had so much fun in a fandom XD

Ok now back to the ANGST, I want you to know this was my reaction the whole time,

I was honestly scared of even reading the chapter but my GOSHHHH.

It was honestly so refreshing to see Satoru finally acknowledge what y/n means to him and no matter how much he tries she might still be the most important thing to him in the end. Honestly it was a cathartic moment they both needed at the lake but still 😭 my heart is hurting so much for them. To finally stand face to face and acknowledge the hurt, to hold each other 😭😭 They both really needed that. I might just be looking too much into it, but when Gojo threw his ring in the ocean y/n was able to get it back (even if geto was the one who found it) but when y/n threw the last part of Gojo; the necklace into the lake, he went after it but didn't get it back... it sounds like symbolism for something that I am not ready for

It was honestly so refreshing to see Satoru finally acknowledge what y/n means to him and no matter how much he tries she might still be the most important thing to him in the end. Honestly it was a cathartic moment they both needed at the lake but still 😭 my heart is hurting so much for them. To finally stand face to face and acknowledge the hurt, to hold each other 😭😭 They both really needed that. I might just be looking too much into it, but when Gojo threw his ring in the ocean y/n was able to get it back (even if geto was the one who found it) but when y/n threw the last part of Gojo; the necklace into the lake, he went after it but didn't get it back... it sounds like symbolism for something that I am not ready for TvT

They are both hurt, they are both suffering without each other; but they also suffer when they are with each other. TvT

Also, I understand Akemi's reaction but bitch 😭😭 Don't you realise this is exactly what y/n felt when you slept with Satoru. Her avoiding y/n to not make her angry or trouble her, I understand; but it just seems to me that she's making excuses to lessen her guilt and run away so she doesn't have to see what she did to her best friend. LIKE SHE'S SO FRICKING EAGER to play house with Satoru and when Sachi called her mama she was overjoyed. It's just so... sus. I might understand her but I lost all respect for her when she decided to betray her bff. I would never understand women who choose a man over someone who's been there for them through everything. I just think she's taking the whole "I can fix him" 🤡 thing too seriously but idk at this point.

And Satoru how THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP FUMBLING THE WOMEN YOU LOVE SO BAD. If you are gonna be an asshole atleast do it right!? I so badly wanna believe he only ran after Akemi to check on her and explain everything but... I just don't have enough faith in him now :<

I feel SO BAD for y/n. Girlll 😭, I don't even know what to say but I can only give her this message-

(My asks always get so long so quick, sorry oof. But SIDE SIDE TANGET- I ABSOLUTELY LOVED RIDE OR DIE. I ATE IT UP FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER OH GODDDD. I was a certified Sukuna!hater but you have changed my ways... you have brainwashed me into falling head over heels for that gremlin xd the brainrot rn is so bad- like MOVE ASIDE GOJO)

thanks so much for sending this ask. yayy you finally made it to the askbox on time !! :’D and this was such a fun read for me. ty for sharing <3 it’s always nice to see such long asks abt sn/sy bc the theories and analyses are all so great, like how do u guys come up with those? they’re so detailed too!! 🥹

i agree i think what makes sy11 impactful is bcos it took so long for gojoyn to be honest with each other, only for it to crumble down the next day bcos of their trauma, external relationships, and distrust with each other 💔 like so close yet so far

and ooh interesting analysis on akemi! i like how you juxtaposed her reaction to gojoyn versus yn’s reaction to catching gojokemi. there’s definitely a big difference there :> but i won’t say anything more to avoid spoilers hehe

lastly, rod! omg thanks for reading, i thoroughly enjoyed writing it i was giddy the whole time !!! but same bb same that gremlin has me on a chokehold too 😆