#non-systems with a similar experience. I feel that would be unfair.

[ms-all-sunday]

Thanks for posting your kin essays, that takes a lot of vulnerability and introspection.

You're welcome.

[the-alarm-system]

The Comparison of Sysmedicalist and Transmedicalist: From a former Truscum.

The debate on the moral validity of the term “Sysmed” is repeatedly brought up within pro-endo and endo-neutral spaces. As a former Truscum, while I agree that the core of sysmedicalism and transmedicalism are not the same (dysphoria vs trauma), I feel that the arguments used to justify the projection of these beliefs are very similar to another. Transmeds and sysmeds are parallel in the use of fake claiming, black and white view of the science behind their arguments, and the idea that in order to be valid one must dislike their identity.

To begin with, the idea of sysmedicalism is on who is genuinely plural and who is not. Sysmedicalists are the gatekeepers of the system community; if you do not have trauma, you are immediately viewed as fake before you can defend yourself. If not fake, then sysmeds will be pushed that endos have trauma that they have repressed. This is an argument that can be seen through the disorders most anti-endos struggle with are inflicted in order to cope with past trauma. This is a standard view in the transmedicalist community in relation to gender dysphoria. If you are a non-dysphoric transsexual, you either are ignoring it or faking it. This is also an argument that can be understood: It’s very difficult to be transgender in an unaccepting society and an uncomfortable body, so repression may be done to cope. However, these arguments deny the fluidity of gender and plurality. They state that these things are intrinsic to struggle, and if you did not struggle then you are lying to yourself in one way or the other. It denies the liberation to label diverse experiences that do not fit in the perspective of these severely hurting people. In return, they use fake claims to express the insult they feel over the idea that someone is like them but not did not endure the same they did. Endogenics are not claiming to have a dissociative disorder, they are claiming plurality. Nondysphorics are not claiming to have gender dysphoria; they are claiming transgenderism. These things, again, are not exclusive to trauma or gender dysphoria. The term plural was made with the intent to self-identify and find liberation beyond the binary view of gatekeepers, as was the term transgender, which was made without medical transition in mind. Sysmeds and transmeds also argue that these “fakers” are taking up vital resources needed by those who are suffering. This is entirely unfair, as the reason these resources are limited is because of the lack of acceptance of both things, which the plural and transgender acceptance movements have opposed. “Trenders are taking surgeries they don’t need!” is matched against “Endos are taking DID specialist they don’t need!” and the only reason behind them is that it’s the only area they can find acceptance even if it’s inside strict spaces like needing gender dysphoria diagnosis and needed trauma. Truscum and Sysmeds have some responsibility for upholding these views on ourselves by pushing how plural and transgender experiences are completely disordered and only bring misery; obviously, seeing this come from them would cause cis and singlets to believe our so-called wrongness. Those who do not appeal to the painting of wrongness must be faking right? In my experience, and this is entirely on perspective, I was influenced to be anti-endo and anti-tucute by cringe culture that circled Fake DID videos and Transgender Cringe videos. Even while I was singlet, I denied my own plurality because I was afraid of being like those I saw in the videos. While I was truscum, I denied my genderqueerness because I didn’t want to prove these horrible transphobes right. I recognize now how often Anti-endos and truscums bring up cringe subreddits to back up their points, and it reminds me of my fear back then. In order to accept myself, I had to break free from the bars put up by society and those within the community. As always, this met with backlash, but I realized that either way, I would be despised for being who I was. Truscum and Anti endos put up this illusion that the people they hate are the reason for systems and trans people being even more stigmatized when in reality the oppressor is going to hate us all the same. Calling the ones who don’t fit in “fakes” is not going to make you “one of the good ones”, and the fact that both truscum and sysmeds are against acceptance movements is hypocritical in their stigma argument. 

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To continue, it’s often that sysmedicalist warp their argument to make it seem that endogenics are claiming to have DID without trauma. Their sources are almost always DID articles rather than articles of plurality which back up endogenic existence. Doctors who are in favor of endogenic existence are perceived as ignorant of dissociation and for the denial of resources to those in need. In science, it must be met with an open mind and the possibility for more. Research is constantly shifting and changing, and the medical paradigm is never stagnant. How does this compare to a transmedicalist however? The sources they use to justify their argument are just gender dysphoria articles that don’t include the full range of transgender people. The perspective they have is closed around sources with obvious limits when the proof against them is open minded and includes professionals they deem as liars. Personally, I never understood why they would both say how ableist the realm of psychology is towards systems yet use its strictness to hurt other systems.

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Furthermore, misery is at the core of both of these beliefs, and to which I understand these beliefs come from both fear, feelings of powerlessness, and self-loathing. To refute endogenics, anti endos bring up how miserable it is to be a system. They push their preference to be singlet and final fuse as a reason for why they are actually plural. This is familiar to transmedicalists; there is a video by Kalvin Garrah where he states that if he had the option to be a cisgender girl, he would do anything for it, as dysphoria is one of the highest forms of suffering. He argues that in order to be actually transgender, you would have to hate being trans. These feelings are valid to oneself yes, but they are projected onto endogenics and non-dysphorics as an answer to why they don’t exist. Plural and Transgender joy is rejected in these spaces because it goes against the guidelines they follow in order to be valid. If your entire existence is only because of disorder and pain, then if you’re happy in it, aren’t you as bad as the others? These are traumatized people who go after others in order to uplift themselves and appeal to singlets and cisgender people. These spaces have intersected because of how similar the arguments are(This is not to say that there isn’t an exclusionist issue within endo spaces, there definitely is, but what they are doing is just hypocrisy), and they constantly feed off gatekeeping to make themselves feel valid enough.

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In conclusion, truscum and sysmeds use fake claiming, closed-minded arguments, and projection of misery to debate why those who are unlike them are illegitimate. The medicalization of transgenderism and plurality compared to the push of acceptance is going to instead further the stigma. This essay was written to compare the two in the sense of their use of arguments, not to say that they are purely the exact same, even at the core. This essay is open to discussion as I would like to improve my writing for the future. The future is plural, which is why we fight.

[sophieinwonderland]

PSA: Don't steal hate flags from hate groups

There's recently been a bit of a controversy with someone repurposing a flag from an anti-endo blog. Pease don't do that. It's just kicking a hornet's nest and causing more animosity between the groups.

That said, I do want to address the response to this incident from anti-endo systems a bit, because despite how this is being framed, this isn't a "traumagenic" flag. It's not a "DID/OSDD" flag. It's a "system flag" from @anti-endo-culture-is with the following text:

rules: NO NON TRUAMA GENS ALLOWED TO USE IT, NOR ENDO SUPPORTERS

I think it's important to put emphasis on the "nor endo supporters" line. In addition to excluding endogenic and non-disordered systems, it also excludes any traumagenic or trauma-affected systems from using it who would support endogenic systems. If your goal is simply to have a flag for so-called "real" systems, surely there would be no reason to exclude diagnosed DID systems for simply disagreeing with you.

The implication is that not only are endogenic systems not "real" systems, but neither are any traumagenic systems who support us. And this is something I've seen time and time again. I've gotten asks and comments on this blog from traumagenic and disordered systems who are made to feel unwelcome in spaces that are meant to be for support and healing. Not because they don't have a disorder or didn't experience trauma... but just because they believe it's possible for others to be plural without those conditions.

This issue shouldn't be framed as an endogenic system being ableist by stealing something from trauma survivors, because trauma survivors were already being excluded by this hate group, because they're the wrong kind of trauma survivor.

A similar issue was brought up by @interstellarsystem who recently described being ostracized in DID spaces, despite being diagnosed with DID, because they believe their systemhood predated their trauma and choose to identify as Quoigenic.

I love that I've gotten so many followers, whether traumagenic and endogenic. Non-disordered, OSDD or DID. But it seems unfair that the reason that so many traumagenic and DID/OSDD systems are here is because exclusionists like the ones who made this flag have created a toxic and hostile environment that makes DID/OSDD systems feel unwelcome and unsafe in their own communities.

Being anti-endo is not the same as supporting traumagenic or DID/OSDD systems.

This is NOT a traumagenic or DID/OSDD flag. This is a hate flag designed to further ostracize not just endogenic systems, but any traumagenic or DID/OSDD system who disagrees with their hate or otherwise doesn't fit their mold.

They've taken a community that was supposed to be a trauma and mental health support group and made it into a high school clique where your mental health is less important than how much you agree with them.

This post has been a bit negative, so I just want to end it on a better note. I want to send some love to all the systems out there who have been hurt and fakeclaimed and made to feel unwelcome. Whether by exclusionists in the plural community, or singlet fakeclaimers who literally can't wrap their mind around the experience of plurality.

You're real and loved and valid. Don't let the naysayers get to you, or take that away from you. You know what's going on in your head. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. There are going to be days that are dark when things are hard. But you're strong. You're a survivor. I promise that you'll work through it, find the light, and come out the other side better for it. I believe in you!

[nikialexx]

Happy to explain! Sirius and Snape have very different outward personalities but very similar arcs- both growing up in abusive households, latching onto one particular friend, both being emotionally stunted in adulthood due to trauma and making much of their decisions around that aforementioned friend. Both are petty, hold grudges, loyal, brave, vindictive. They both treat Harry based on how they feel about his parents. They both die never truly having fully lived their life.

(i actually wrote the entire response to this earlier and then lost it and i have never wanted to fling myself into the sun more than i did in that moment) but hi anon! so sorry this took a while. I'll continue under the cut cause my reply got kinda long😅

also general disclaimer that we're not going to be unnecessarily rude about either of these characters here, since i know a lot of people are very passionate about them one way or the other :)

Yeah, anon, I totally get where you're coming from here. I actually have very vague recollections of having had this conversation before but I don't remember where?? So this probably isn't the first time I'm comparing Sirius to Snape but I'm glad you gave me an opportunity to do it again.

I think those differences in their outward personalities is actually a nature vs nurture type situation. I've always said that Slytherin kids aren't immediately inherently evil (obviously), but rather victims of a larger system that actively works against them. You take a bunch of kids in their most important formative years and tell them they're destined to be evil and awful and essentially give every non-slytherin student a free pass to target them while even some of the teachers encourage these biases, and really, who wouldn't have this as their villain origin story?

Sirius and Snape both came from abusive households so Hogwarts was their only chance at getting away from that, and in that case, Snape was doomed from the very beginning. Sirius, comparatively, basically had the entirety of Gryffindor house to combat his more unsavory traits. He had friends who were good and kind and amazing and genuinely cared about his wellbeing, so he, in turn, grew to be a good and kind person. That's what he was surrounded by for like... 9 out of 12 months in the year. Snape went from one bad situation to another, continuously surrounded by people who were equally petty and vindictive and often cruel. What else was he supposed to become?

And I can hear you saying: but what about Lily?

Lily was only one person and I think it's a bit unfair to expect her to single-handedly combat the entire system that is House Prejudice and Rivalry at Hogwarts. Lily and Snape being placed in different houses, not to mention two houses with a personal history of being very anti each other, immediately drew a wall between them.

And then, what did the 'good' side ever really offer Snape? Sirius found happiness with the good guys, but Snape? Aside from literally only Lily, they all hated him and bullied him relentlessly. From his perspective, the supposed bad guys were the only ones offering him anything worthwhile or seeing any actual value in him.

So yeah, i see it. Two characters who are really similar in a lot of ways but had drastically different experiences that shaped who they would become.

(And it's also interesting how you laid out their non-personality similarities in the way their story arcs parallel each other almost exactly. I don't think I've ever really paid attention to that before.)

This was a fun little thought exercise lol thank you for this anon and im sorry again for taking so long to reply <3

[ladykissingfish]

drunk Akatsuki hc? 🥺

Ask and ye shall receive! ((Sorry it took so long to get to/finish this. Also get the nagging feeling I did a post very similar to this before but 🤷🏽‍♀️ piss poor memory so))

Drinking with the Akatsuki

Kakuzu

Takes a lot to get him drunk; his alcohol tolerance is pretty damn high. And when he does reach that point, he becomes … very unlike himself. Friendly, smiling, and extremely loose with his precious money. Kakuzu being drunk is the best time to ask him for an advance on your pay, or a personal loan. Another bonus: drunk Kakuzu is storytime Kakuzu. When he’s sober, the others don’t really like listening to his stories because they’re all boring as hell, and are usually centered around some point that he’s trying to nag everyone on. But drunk Kakuzu, well, he’ll tell you about brawls, dangerous stunts he pulled when he was a kid, sometimes even old lovers. He can keep the rest of the Akatsuki enraptured for hours with his intoxicated tales. The morning after a night of drinking is a different tale, though. He’ll remember loaning money to people and hunt them down to make sure that know they have to pay him back, and he’ll deny like crazy any story tidbits that the others bring up to him. Will also go through several pots of pure black coffee in an effort to de-hangover himself more quickly.

Pein

The Pein bodies don’t drink, but Nagato will, very rarely. Beer is his drink of choice, and he’ll opt for foreign rather than domestic. He’s not really the type to get full-on drunk (no matter what he’s the Leader and he carries himself as such), rather he’ll just get slightly tipsy. If he gets tipsy enough he’ll rant a bit to whoever’s closest about pain, and the unfairness of life, and anything else that would put a downer on happy drinkers’ moods. He always hopes that the alcohol will help him to sleep (he’s a horrible insomniac) but most times it just gives him a slight headache while leaving him wide-wake and dry-mouthed.

Hidan

Nobody wants to be around this guy when he’s had too much to drink, because the normally violent Hidan becomes even more so after hitting the booze. He’ll be willing to take on any and everyone, from teenagers to old men. And being immortal doesn’t help matters any; he could literally get torn limb from limb and his mouth would still be taunting his opponents with “Is that the best ya got, bastard??” Drinking also brings out his creative side when it comes to his human sacrifices and Jashin rituals; he’ll think up new (and horrible) ways to torment and kill his victims. Is the type to finally, FINALLY just completely pass out after reaching his final tolerance point, and the others will (reluctantly) drag him to his room and put him in his bed. Not many are willing to do this, however, as most times before he passes out he’ll have stripped himself completely naked.

Tobi

An emotional drunk. Gets sad and cries over practically anything. And it doesn’t take much to get him tanked, either; his tolerance level is embarrassingly low and he’ll be ready to sob after just a couple of glasses of wine. Tobi tries to avoid drinking when he can because he knows there’s a good chance of him dropping his persona and letting the others see Obito Uchiha. In fact this HAS happened a few times, where he’a taken off his mask and everything; fortunately for him the others were so gone that the next day they either didn’t remember, or believed that had just imagined the whole thing. Likes to soothe himself by slurring sad love songs at the top of lungs, joined most frequently by Deidara and Hidan. Will also drunkenly stuff his face with meats, which is a complete opposite from his sweet-loving sober self. He can throw down a dozen burgers when boozed up, the results of which will likely be in puddles all over the floor the next day. Will go to his bed and turn around in circles a bunch of times, like a dog, before finally going to sleep. “Tobi” will be the quietest he’s ever been the next day, as he fights a massive headachy hangover.

Konan

For being such a thin, delicate girl, Konan can hold her liquor right up there with the likes of Kakuzu and Kisame. One might never even know that she’s drunk to begin with; she walks perfectly straight, doesn’t slur her words, has almost perfect reflexes and normal mannerisms. One thing always gives her away, however; drunk Konan is hungry Konan. Under normal circumstances the little lady sticks to a healthy diet and isn’t one for over-indulging in anything. One shot or beer too many, and suddenly the gloves are off. Konan will make pizza, hotdogs, gigantic sundaes, cakes and pies … and devour almost all of it. She’ll share with the others if asked … but most times she’s eaten so much that there’s not much left to share. When she’s finally had her fill, she’ll go to bed … and wake up feeling sick as a dog the next morning. After the nausea passes, she’ll force herself to go for a long run or walk, no matter how much her head may be aching, in order to work off her excessive calorie intake.

Zetsu

Zetsu doesn’t drink, because alcohol interferes with his plant genetics, acting as literal poison to his system. But he enjoys being around the others when they’re drunk, to see the different types of personalities that emerge. Likes to hang around Hidan in particular, as the man’s sacrifices pick up significantly when he’s drunk, meaning Zetsu has more of a smorgasbord of leftovers to pick from

Sasori

As a puppet, Sasori doesn’t drink. But when he was a human, it was a different story. He turned himself into a non-human at a very young age, much younger, of course, than would have been the legal drinking age. But his grandmother kept a variety of wines in their home, and when she was away, he liked to pour himself a glass. Always only a single glass; he was intelligent enough both to know that his grandmother would notice if any larger of a quantity was missing, and, already dabbling in making poisons at this point, he understood the concept of “tolerance” better than most. But the single glass was enough; it seemed to comfort him during those nights when he was missing his mother and father. The wine also served as a brain-opener for him, of sorts: it was over wine that he first got the idea of turning himself into a puppet.

Deidara

Being young and so slender, and not having much experience with alcohol before joining the Akatsuki, the blonde is a bit of a light-weight when it comes to the hooch. He doesn’t really care for beers or ales (he compares the taste to “cat-piss”) and instead goes for the fruity mixed drinks that don’t SEEM that strong … until you’ve had about three or four, and they put you on your ass. Deidara becomes very lovey-dovey when drunk, and not just in a romantic sense. Alcohol makes everyone in the world his friend, and he’s suddenly interested in what others have to say about life and art. He’s even nice to Itachi, going so far as to hug him and tell him that he smells good, something that he will vehemently deny the next day. He’ll go to Sasori and cling to him and gush about how he appreciates his friendship and his guidance, until Sasori gets tired of him and tells him to go to sleep. Deidara can get to his room on his own, but once the door closes, he’s more likely to pass out on the floor than in his own bed. Also, if he didn’t think to tie up his long hair beforehand, he’ll be in for a nasty, messy surprise when he inevitably wakes up to vomit at some point.

Itachi

Itachi isn’t one to ever let himself lose control of his senses, no matter the situation. Therefore, if he’s drinking with the others, he’ll stick to one or two beers or a single shot before cutting himself off for the evening. He plays much of a “mom” role in the group, making sure the others are okay, lending a shoulder to cry on for the emotional drunks, and, if they’re out somewhere, making sure everyone gets home safe and sound. On the rare, RARE occasions he drinks by himself, and lets go of his hesitation, he’s just as emotional a drinker as Tobi (which is quite possibly an Uchiha trait). He’ll cry into his pillow, he’ll sit and lament over the choices he’s made in life. Sometimes he’ll find and put on the saddest song or movie he can think of, just so he has something to get emotional over. Although this sounds bad, this is actually a helpful bit of therapy for him, as it allows him to release emotions that he normally keeps bottled up. He’ll end a night of solo drinking with a cup of tea, then go quietly to bed, sleeping like a rock until the sun comes up and things go back to normal.

Kisame

Right up there with Kakuzu as being a guy that can hold his liquor like a champ. In fact his ability to do so has won him many drinking challenges at bars, as well as a formidable reputation as “one bad ass son of a bitch”. It also helps him confidence-wise; normally the half-shark is very reserved and keeps to himself, as he feels that his appearance is off-putting and scary to “normal” people. But alcohol loosens him up and gets him talking, and being bold, and many people find this switch in personality to be highly attractive. Ladies especially take notice of his smile, his eyes … and his muscles. He even scores several phone numbers from interested parties … but by the time he’s sober again, he never follows through with calling anyone. Also helps Itachi in that he keeps an eye on the others when they drink, to make sure that they’re safe.

[bhreathe]

I wrote this a year ago. 29 February 2020. I am still here now, almost a year later. But i just thought this is necesaary for my own diary.

30 year old, no business, jobless, gay, atheist or perhaps agnostic, raped, hiv-positive man living in a conservative country with conservative extended family with probably more open-minded small family

I used to be in control of everything. I was 26, healthy, with loved ones, proper career, and sufficient business experience.

I felt i could do anything.

I thought the stair to the world was built and stacked.

But, now, i feel my best qualities and circumstances are gone

I am growing darker. I keep saying sorry to others, because nobody is saying it to me. Nobody is sorry of what they have done. And i dont want others to see me like this.

I worry that i will pollute us, our home, our air, our life.

I wanna believe that everything is falling into place eventually, but i simply cannot dismiss that the perspective is falling apart instead.

Unfortunately this is why i do not want to be closer to anyone. I feel like i am a corruption that would infect you with my ego, my selfishness, my negative perspective in life. I do not want to grow into a manipulative one. If you are drenched in tears right now, thank you, as that would be the last manipulation i want to attempt to you.

I am saddened by our circumstances and my choices. But we are family. I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do.

I know why Mom chose to build herself a walk in closet when i barely have space to live because she needed to maintain her own sanity.

I know why Mas decided to take over the restaurant when it was clearly what i was planning to do because he needed to make sure his budding family is safe and sound.

I know why my Dad ignored what happened to me because he was also tired of non-fulfilling life, and Mas Raffa gave him life.

I know. I know.

I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do. Mbak Nadia, Mas Raffa, his younger siblings, are the new leaf. New loan of life for our family.

Mom, remember when i was small, i dreamt of you passing away. In the dream, The journey back home after burying you was a labyrinth, consisting of long and winding paths. Your specter showed up here and there telling me i was okay. I woke up from the dream, sobbing with you next to me.

Dad, remember when i was young, i went to the pesantren retreat. When the time to go home finally came, me and my brother were waiting for you. And yet you were not there. So we had to board the bus. My brother was so annoyed by my cries.

But I am aware at that point of time that i loved mom and dad so very much. I needed you all so very much. And you too Mas, Mbak.

My friends, especially the one i spent most of my times in the most recent years. Thank you for spending it with me. For my hiv-positive friends, keep living, i know its ironic for me for saying that, but i hope i shed some lights to the issue that we are facing.

For the closest ones, K and Y, who have taken me in as refuge, thank you. Thank you for accepting almost everything about me.

For my ex-es, thank you for ever embracing me in your arms. For A, thank you for trying your best to accept me and pamper me, even in our worst moment. My last memory is filled to the brim with our time spent together. It was beautiful and i would rather have it as my last moments.

Masodo, thank you for being a strong brother for me. You are kind. But you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you. People will talk when they need to talk. When you force other to talk when they do not want to, it speaks louder on your issues rather on theirs. I am only telling you this, not because you are a man of the family, but because you are the leader of the family. You are the only heir now. Be kind, be patient, and be earful. Listen. Really listen.

Mbak Nad, i am sorry for leaving you like this. Please take care of mom and dad, for my brother is not built for that. He may provide for money but he was not tuned for tending to my parents, but i believe you can.

Mas Raffa, (dan adik-adiknya) always do the right thing. Be a good person. Be kind to others and yourself. Be powerful, beautiful and knowledgeable so that you can protect and nurture others. Learn to be strong and benevolent so that you can stand back and let others shine along.

Remember, a sun can only make a solar system. But, millions or billions of stars can concoct a galaxy.

Remember that anger and jealousy are not necessary. Everyone is equal, despite the differences in skin color, race, religious belief, nationality, sex, sexual orientation, or ability. Never judge others unless it is related to life and harm, for you can only imagine how one person journey was and to be, but you could have never been really in their shoes; even if you are their twin. The world will always be unjust, unfair and unkind, that does not mean you shouldn’t be just, fair, and kind. God may be exist, but god may also not be exist; but the learning from the religious teachings is nevertheless a valuable thing.

You know, the worst part about having a depression, is people expect you to behave as if you don’t have one. And maybe because i have put on so many masks in my life, just to get by, i believed that people would not believe me if i told my story.

If only, i am smart enough. To think of other alternatives, other possibilities, other conjunctures in my life. I may choose a different path. But i am not, so that’s that.

If i am no longer breathing upon this message was received, understand that, this is my choice. None of you; dad, mom, mas, mbak, my past partners, my closest ones, my friends, or my colleagues, are responsible for this.

I am merely exhausted. Drained of life. Tired of how i should live well and according to society. Constantly pretending that i am sturdy, benevolent, and clever, as if i am the desired child and person is exhausting. I am as brittle as a chip of ice. I am as benevolent and clever as Rasputin kind.

You may call me coward. But, At least i am brave enough to take my own life, right Bi? and not being called annoying coward for keep complaining. Rather than living and become a monthly major burden. I would rather be a yearly minor burden. I hope it is minor, as the grave should not cost as much money as my living necessities. Hehe. Sorry for this dark humour, it has always been a part of me.

If one day you meet a person who is similar to one of my many characteristics, be that older than 30 years, have no job, have no business or busy-ness, part of queer community, part of atheist/agnostic community, experienced the horror of rape or sexual assault, has hiv-positive status (or other situation where they might be shunned by people or their own thought), or simply a refuge from where they used to live, please grace them with support, kindness, and sincerity for part of me is living among them.

[prorevenge]

Boy meets girl

I often pressed V for information on how she earned income but she would give conflicting answers about grants and scholarships until one day.... About 6 months after our first meeting, she finally tells me and IT. IS. NOT. GOOD. I was interviewing at a professional school when I receive the call, she's in trouble, BIG TROUBLE, and needs my help. She tells me she earns money by doing others' assignments for them. $200 to write a paper and $800 to complete an online class, usually a 100 level introductory course. She describes the method she uses to circumvent the ITs detection of others completing others assignment and how her client wasn't doing his part to copy/paste and submit from his own computer. He is failing the course and blames her. He threatens to turn her in. Her plan is to refund his money and wants me to 'follow him to see if he goes somewhere alone and take his phone' because that has all the evidence of their communications. HOLY SHIT! SHE WANTS ME TO COMMIT STRONG ARMED ROBBERY, a FELONY for her! I'm not going down for this or with her and I know nobody would believe me. ENTER: military experience - if there's no record, it didn't happen. So, I agree to help her, somehow, as soon as I return to town. I go to V's dorm the next night and she shows me EVERYTHING. Her list of clients, their blackboard passwords, how she meets them, how she defends them during honor code violations, etc. So I tell her not to worry, I'll handle everything on the day she refunds his money. Relieved, she goes to bed but before she lays down I ask to use her computer for on assignment and she says "sure do whatever you want". In my state, if you let someone use your electronics, its called "having privilege" and anything you do with their computer which may harm them is legal as if it your own computer. So, I took screenshots of her conversations with her clients, I open google settings and screenshot all the blackboard users and passwords stored on her computer. I go to her messenger and screenshot their conversations. Back home, I compiled our recordings and saved our facebook conversations. A week later, I made up an argument about an upcoming New Years Party and broke up with her. Then sat on the information I had on hand for 2 more weeks thinking about what I should do.

I remembered how she has a history of arrests from high school to freshman year for stealing from outlet malls and selling their loot online. Never formally charged. She, of course, omitted this from her application into professional school. How she admitted "finding a mark" and using them to pass her courses. How she denigrated others who were completing courses through hard work. How she used her position as honor council to get her friends out of trouble while helping to expel others for doing exactly what she was doing. How she cheated on me multiple times, used me, manipulated me, tried to make me commit a felony and ruin my life. SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.

Knowing she was friends with the faculty on the honor council, they often bought each other gifts, I had to go above their heads. I gave names and descriptions of the events to my program director. He then goes to the honor council, anyway. I was called into the honor council's head office of "Corrupt Administrator" CA. CA tells me I should delete the information I have because it could become a civil matter and I should consider my "self preservation." She schedules another meeting with me a week later. I return and she asks if I want to make a statement about V. Guess what I said, I tell her "no, I deleted everything and I don't remember" because I was in the military and I know how to 'play ball' when superiors tell you to shut your mouth. But the most important reason I decided to not file against V directly was due to the fact I was applying for a military scholarship to pay for professional school. Since I did not follow through, the program director filed an honor code violation complaint against V on a date [suggested by CA]. A month later they tell me their investigation was inconclusive and they will close the case due to the director waiting 1 day too long to file according to the school's academic policy. CA set us up! However, since the director used my name as a source, they must notify V because students have rights to know their accusers. FUCK.MY.LIFE. CA fucked me and ruined any chance for a case against V based on a technicality. Now I fear for my safety because V tried to get me to strong arm rob someone now I just implicated a dozen cheaters who have as much as her to lose. CA schedules a meeting with V and tell her about an ongoing investigation and tells her she will be kept up-to-date. I know the investigation is over and now they are just doing formalities. V requests the information of the investigation and they promise to email it to her. V calls me for support even though we aren't together. She is crying and talking about killing herself. She tells me her dad had been paying for her college this whole time and starts coming clean with other lies. I feel bad and almost regret everything. Maybe she is not a sociopath, maybe she is really sorry. She stays at my house the next few days, I'm watching her trying to keep it together. THEN HER FUCKING CLIENTS START COMING TO MY HOUSE. She is still doing their assignments! She NEVER LEARNS!

Finally she gets the investigation info and there's my name. She calls me 130 times in 3 days, sends her friends to my classes to tell me to come to her house, finally I do. But I don't go into her room because she will trap me. She takes my phone so I can't record. She tries to get me to sign a paper saying I fabricated everything and its all false. I tell V, "They already closed the investigation, you wont get in any trouble why should I implicate myself and get in trouble? It wont solve anything!" And she pleads, "Do you still love me?" I shake my head and walk out. Two days later, police are waiting at my house to serve a 72 hour emergency protective order (EPO) commanding me to stay away from V. I know what she is up to. She is trying to get me to violate the protective order, discredit me, and send me to jail. Its very easy to lie to create one and lie to say it was violated.

NOW ITS NOT JUST REVENGE TIME, ITS WAR

Here's the plot twist: I never really deleted the files as I told CA. TYVM, Google drive.

After the 72 hours EPO expired, another EPO arrives which lasts two years but requires a court appearance. This is a huge problem because I am in the US Army reserves and it requires the handling of firearms which is illegal under an EPO. Her lawyer calls me and threatens me not to "participate in anymore investigations against her" and sends a paper tiger. I get a lawyer, lets name him "Folds like a lawn chair". He tells me "who will they believe: a pretty girl or you?" I fire him. Get a better lawyer, a trial lawyer, called "Miss Badass Esq." and prepare for war. Miss Badass requests a copy of V's EPO from the court. It essentially says I was blackmailing her, threatening to beat her up, and I broke into her room to steal incriminating information against her. All lies. I provide my lawyer the entire history of our relationship: 600 pages of facebook and text messages showing she is the aggressor, the abuser, in the relationship, phone call history, all the recordings and screenshots of her cheating ring. I make a poster sized chart of her room and the events that transpire there the day in question when she tried to trap me into signing a statement taking responsibility for her actions.

Courtdate: We made V and her lawyer look REALLY stupid. They were going with the 'pretty girl' strategy. But the dorm gave us records showing she was signing me in and out of her room, so it discredits the need to break in. The call logs: 130 times in 3 days and aggressive texts showed she wasn't actually afraid of me adn it was her, not me, being aggressive. And when he asked what I had to use to blackmail her, her lawyer said "just some tutoring papers" for which the judge said, "that doesn't sound like anything wrong. What power did that give him over you?" They had no response. My turn to speak, I explain how she tried to get me to rob a guy, how she wanted me to write a letter to take the blame, how she used her position as honor council chair to break state law and violate academic policy. And summarized we were only there because she wanted revenge on me. I watched V and her lawyer stutter and squirm uncomfortably under the judges questioning, case dismissed.

All that information I gathered to defend myself was not going to go to waste. I took it to a newly hired honor council investigator called "Meg" who had no affiliation with V. I told her what CA had done to defend V. A week later, I was told the by Meg there had been a meeting with the school police, the provost, their legal team, then the provost himself decided filed a complaint against V. I had to meet with the police to file a statement about V trying to recruit me to rob someone but other than that I was out of the loop. I later learned the results: V lost her her slot at that school's professional program, her program director yelled at her at the top of his lungs, "YOU WILL NEVER GO TO ********* SCHOOL, I KNOW ADMISSIONS AND I WILL SEE TO IT", she got expelled, her TWO degrees (biomedical engineering and biology with a minor in chemistry) were withheld for 6 years and her transcripts would carry a permanent mention of an honor code violation, her clients who graduated had their degrees retracted with similar mentions on their transcripts, and current clients were also expelled. The school changed its policy on reporting date requirements to like 60 or 90 days. Me? I am in professional school. V had her chance to get away with all of this until she tried to get revenge on me. I reduced this super villain from owning a fleet of beta male minions, being the most connected person in the university, and having a lucrative future in ripping people off in the medical industry to the last time I saw her: riding a fucking scooter.

(source) story by (/u/Apophis1942)

[empaths-hsp]

How to Deal With Emotional Flooding in the Workplace

If you ever feel like you’re drowning in your emotions, you’re not alone.

It happened again. I was in an online team meeting discussing a project idea I’d put forward. Although a fairly new team (born through Covid-19), we’d built a good degree of trust between us, and it had been a typical meeting, similar to one we’ve had each week for the past two months. 

However, it was not typical for long. After initially framing up my idea and questions in my open and honest style, my colleagues started offering their own interpretation of the project idea — different applications and perspectives. I felt the conversation had traveled in a different direction and I got lost. I sat back and wondered, What are they talking about? Did they not hear me?  

With the three of them firing off ideas and questions, it felt like we were speaking different languages. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who’s a deep thinker and more aware of subtleties, but also someone who’s prone to getting easily overwhelmed —  it all suddenly collapsed. 

I had made the mistake of not hiding self-view on Zoom (I usually hide myself), and I could see my face redden and my eyes narrow. Literally. It was strange. My heart was racing, my chest felt heavy, my throat tight, and my eyes watered. Then I went blank. 

I couldn’t figure out what I thought and had absolutely no way of articulating words. My survival brain had taken over and my thinking brain had shut down. When they asked me for my thoughts, I could not respond. I could hardly talk, let alone have anything remotely intelligent to say. 

I was experiencing emotional flooding — I could literally feel the flood of my emotions drowning me. I was embarrassed, too, which created a ghastly doubling-down effect. Science has shown that emotions hit HSPs harder, but this was new to me. 

“Fight-or-flight” kicked in next. At least I knew it and hoped that “flight” would be enough of a circuit breaker. Still drowning in my emotions and unable to speak, I put my hands in the time-out position as though I were playing basketball and needed a moment to catch my breath. The latter was true. I weakly uttered “five minutes,” left the meeting, and went to the bathroom and cried. 

Has this ever happened to you, too?

Signs of Emotional Flooding

Even though I’m a professionally credentialed coach (ICF) with almost two decades of experience working with executive and HSP clients, my flood of emotions was so overwhelming that I began to research the term “emotionally flooded” more.

Symptoms can include: 

A flood of stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol)

A flight/flight/freeze response (we want to run, get aggressive, or we go numb)

Increased heart rate (over 90-100 beats per minute) and rapid or shallow breathing

Chest tightness

Sweating

Flushed face

Narrowing of eyes (tunnel vision, looking for an escape)

Throat constriction

Severely diminished ability to think or speak clearly

Heightened anxiety

Stomach churning

Psychologist John Gottman explains that the difference between flooding and other more manageable emotional reactions, such as an amygdala hijack, is one of magnitude. It’s overwhelming.

That’s how it felt for me, too. I could literally do nothing: I couldn’t speak and couldn’t think about anything other than getting out. I tried the five-finger exercise —  a simple breathing technique where you trace your fingers — to help quell my breathing, but it was hard to move my fingers and challenging to breathe regularly or deeply. As researcher Elizabeth A. Stanley, PhD would say: My “thinking brain” had shut down and my “survival brain” had taken over.

What Triggers Emotional Flooding and Why It May Affect HSPs More Than Non-HSPs

Daniel Goleman, arguably the kingpin of emotional intelligence, found that the five most typical triggers of an amygdala hijack in the workplace are:

lack of respect

unfair treatment

being unappreciated

not being heard

unrealistic deadlines

In general terms, we feel triggered when we sense that something is threatening. In today’s world, those threats are often not physical threats, but social threats which impact our “social brain.” So, on my Zoom call, you can see how some of these triggers triggered me, like not feeling heard or appreciated.

In addition to the five factors listed above, triggers may also include things like rejection, not feeling seen, and feeling of lesser status. And, as an HSP, all this means that I’m likely more susceptible to heightened emotions and overwhelm than non-HSPs. 

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What You Can Do to Support Yourself When You Feel Emotionally Flooded

When you feel emotionally flooded as an HSP, there are many practical tools you can draw on to support yourself, both in the moment and afterwards.

In the moment:

Notice it’s happening. This seems so simple, but it’s difficult to be fully aware of when your emotions are high. 

Give yourself permission to exit; if you can’t talk, use a time-out hand signal like i did. Then, walk away and give yourself a break.

If you can’t leave the situation, give yourself permission to be still and quiet. Tell yourself: It’s OK. I know it feels embarrassing, but the surprising reality is that other people are usually not thinking as badly of us as we imagine (and they probably aren’t as uncomfortable as we imagine). 

Immediately afterwards:

Take a deep breath, which will calm your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathing is the only thing we can do to physically tell our bodies that we aren’t literally under threat. There is no lion chasing us — everything is alright.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe; if that’s true for you, consider using a grounding exercise, such as the MMFT® Contact Points Exercise, Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training, which aims to increase psychological resilience or “mental armor.” It does so by strengthening mindfulness through exercises like focused attention on the breath and mindful movement.

About 20-30 minutes later:

Once you have calmed down a bit, if you can, go back to the people you’d been in the meeting with and let them know you are OK. You can do this by talking to them directly or via email to explain what happened so they don’t make any assumptions. 

For example, you can say something as simple as: I felt overwhelming emotions earlier, but it’s a great learning opportunity for me personally, and perhaps for our relationship professionally, and I would very much appreciate exploring this with you in the next couple of days. 

Until then, you can try some of the introspective ideas below.

Over the following few days:

You then have a few days to analyze your emotions, and here are a few tactics that worked for me after my Zoom experience.

Journaling is a great self-care exercise for HSPs, so I’d recommend writing about your experience. Externalizing your thoughts like this is an excellent way to vent frustrations, release energy, and clarify thoughts. 

Talk to someone you trust and feel safe with, whether that means picking up the phone or joining a Facebook group.

Build your skills in self-compassion and mindfulness. These two skills alone are like super powers, I’m not kidding. Mindfulness apps some of my clients appreciate include: Headspace, Smiling Mind, Calm, and Insight Timer.

Take a “Balcony View,” which is a metaphor for taking an observer’s perspective on yourself and your life. Imagine your life as a dance floor. You are a dancer, moving with the music, with others around you. One day, you notice a stairwell and walk up the stairs and out onto a balcony that overlooks the dance floor and you can see yourself on it. Play with using this perspective when you are journaling and discussing with others. They’ll probably be impressed! This is a powerful tool for self and team development.

Just keep in mind that growth requires the willingness to face uncomfortable situations. It takes courage to be honest and vulnerable and discuss the situation that happened, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.

How My ‘Flooding’ Experience Worked Out

As embarrassing and uncomfortable as it was at the time, my “flooding” experience turned out positively — I did many of the ideas above and was able to make more sense of things. My colleagues and I even had a “Balcony Session” and I’m happy to say it’s made us a stronger and even more purpose-driven team.

I’m also recognizing that it’s been a big year for many of us (actually, a tiring few years for me). I’m reaffirming my work and what’s important while also dialing back the self-pressure just a notch.

Just know that when you’re feeling emotionally flooded, at work or otherwise, it’s OK to take a time-out and just do you. Afterwards, you’ll come back more cognizant and refreshed, which will not only benefit you, but those around you. 

If this article helped you, you might like the author’s website — and the coaching services she offers specifically for highly sensitive people. Learn more at Joanne Ostler Coaching.

You might like:

Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’

Science Confirms That Emotions Hit Highly Sensitive People Harder

21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How to Deal With Emotional Flooding in the Workplace appeared first on Highly Sensitive Refuge.

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[mcrmadness]

I’m at the point where I’m being really annoyed by mornings again. Or more like, that particular time of the time when I wake up because I know most people would say that 2pm is no longer a morning... Anyway, I just get up every morning to do absolutely nothing just to go to sleep eventually again. And now each “morning” is boring af, I get up, brush my teeth and come to my computer, browse Tumblr and don’t know what to do. For weeks I’ve been watching certain types of videos from YT meanwhile playing with nonograms or jigsaw puzzles online because it helps me to concentrate as I don’t like watching videos of people talking, it’s super boring, but that way I can still listen to them without feeling like losing my mind because of being so bored. But now neither nonograms nor jigsaw puzzles feel thay interesting NOR do the videos I’ve been watching. There’s really not much new stuff, just the same topics done by many many people and I can’t watch that for too long before I get bored with the topics too, because I already know enough. I’ve also been going through all videos on so many different channels and either there’s nothing interesting anymore or I literally have watched everything. So now every day after being done with browsing Tumblr, I try to find something to watch from youtube but currently my recommended page keeps offering me the same videos over and over again, the same topics, and also lots of videos I have already watched. I’d love to see something very random that isn’t particularly linked to my watch history but no, all videos like that are something to do with the goddamned crona hashtags and they’re already driving me crazy because I’m so fed up with all this corona stuff. And I have made several posts about this already and how I hate the superficial fake-happiness in all those videos where people try to come up with stuff for people to do so that they’d just stay at home. I’m staying at home 24/7 even without corona, so can’t you just NOT show those recommendations for me??? Oh I wish Youtube had some sort of tag blacklisting system...

But yeah, apart from all that, I’ve been dealing with my existential crisis a lot lately too. Not that it’d have ever went anyway in the first place, but just having these partly existential crisis, partly dissociation/derealization moments that I don’t know if I’m ever going to get rid of. Just been thinking about my fave band (dä) a lot lately and how stressed out they make me all the time. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I’m not the best with surprises but I’m okay with them, but what REALLY makes (and has always made) me distressed is waiting. Knowing that something is about to happen but you have no idea when and how and possibly what. That is what makes me so distressed. It’s like with ghosts and paranormal things too: I’m not afraid of ghosts and I actually do like them a lot, but I’m afraid of being startled and waiting for something that might come as a surprise to me. (This is why I don’t watch horror films - jumpscares are much worse when I know there will be some.) And I’ve started to hate the weekdays from Monday to Friday because I feel like I can rest only on weekends because maybe those guys won’t do anything during weekends. During other days anything is possible. And now they’re gonna open their webshop on Friday and it’s causing me SO MUCH PRESSURE here. And it’s again not that I’d be worried of what it is, but worried of the fact I am waiting for something now but I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I always need to be in control and ahead of everything, whenever I go to a new place, I need to have a look around the whole thing before I can do anything, and I really wouldn’t like the idea of being dropped right in the middle of action. That just makes me so overwhelmed and I start to panic.

To the existential crisis - I’ve also been wondering about myself and why dä? Imagine if the band was something else but this. And the fact this band is a “once in a lifetime” thing. There’s never been another band like them and never will be. Which is crazy and blows my mind. And this is where I start to dissociate with derealization because I somehow still feel like everything is a movie or a video game. I’m constantly thinking like “oh maybe in my next life I’ll be born earlier so I can become their fan in the 80s” or “maybe in my next life I’ve learnt from my mistakes in this life”. I basically feel like my life is like a video game that I can restart whenever I have played through the story and do different choices then. And some days it hurts so much to be dropped back on ground. But I will just climb up again and escape into my small bubble where things are not like that.

Also this other day I was wondering the age thing again. I’ve been having age crisis at least since I turned 25 because then I was closer to 30 than 20. And I’m turning 29 in less than a month and that had been so terrible thought for so long but now I’m slowly getting used to it. Even tho I still wish I was 19 or something. But at the same time it feels really absurd because I feel like... ten years ago I was 19, and that doesn’t sound that much but I still feel like last year was 2010. And me wishing I was 19 again... well when I was 19, most of my friends were not even teenagers yet. So that means I would not know those people. But then I feel like I’ve been wasting the last 10 years of my life. And if I was smart, I’d realize that I actually have not been wasting those years - I have been working with horses, studying horses, graduated and I’ve grown a pretty good knowledge over what it is to take care of and even train horses. I have got and learnt so much. But still I feel like I should have done that a lot earlier than what I did. But if I did it a lot earlier, then I wouldn’t have had work experience worth over 10 years. Which is why I wish I could have just stopped time for the time I was studying and continue then after I was done. Because I’m literally in the middle of an age crisis because I’m turning 29 but I basically feel like I’m near my end already. It’s like what my friend told me when I was 22 and started having similar thoughts: “You sound like you just discovered what people normally discover only when they turn 50.” Yeah, I’ve literally been having mid-life crisis since I was 22.

For the first time even I experienced some derealization moments was when I was 19 and working at a stable and I was cleaning up the stable and taking out a wheelbarrow full of horse shit. It just suddenly hit me that what I’m doing here, makes absolutely no difference. And I suddenly dived into this horrible state where I felt like nothing I do, matter because nothing will last. Like, why should I create memories if I’m gonna lose them anyway when I die? That really made it so hard to enjoy anything because I was just constantly obsessing with the thought of not having my memories forever and how everything felt so, so damn pointless. I don’t care if people know my name or not, I live for myself anyway so it felt really unfair that I should actually live here and do things and create memories if they are going to be taken away from me eventually just because everyone has to die. And I have always had really bad relationship with death. I remember being probably 7 years old and seeing something on TV about death and cemeteries and it caused me to have one of my earliest anxiety/panic attacks and I was literally sitting on the toilet floor hugging the toilet because the idea of death made me so, so sick. Which is why I then have been avoiding the topic as much as I can and I’ve been blocking those thoughts and stuff and why I love every time death is portrayed as non-permanent in fiction (my all-time favorite is Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice). Or when there’s some sort afterlife. Which is why I’ve been obsessed with ghosts and grim reaper and whatnot in my past. It just comforts me so much because I find it so scary to think that everything would just stop existing. I can kinda imagine that... emptiness that happens when nothing is anymore and it just feels so overwhelming and scary that I nearly start to panic from the thought alone. As a kid, I’ve been having panic attacks from the thought of the sun going out, a meteor hitting the earth, or just pretty much anything that would mean almost instant death. I feel like I probably developed derealization also for this type of fears. If the idea of death has made me physically sick at the age of 7, no wonder why my system decided to come up with dissociation to protect my mind. I always feel like when I keep having these deep thoughts, that my brains are on the edge of overheating (figuratively), it just goes so over my head but at the same time I’m understanding it, which then triggers dissociation because it’s too much to deal with.

I also have a medical trauma from when I was 3 years old, which is probably the core for all the dissociation too. It was an open heart surgery which pretty much means being half-dead already as you’re connected to the machines that keep up your breathing and blood circulation while the doctors fix your heart. Because of that, I find the thought it anesthesia highly disturbing. I know people undergo surgeries all the time for whatever reasons but I feel like I could never ever do one again because I’m so afraid of that emptiness becoming permanent. I can’t remember a thing from my surgery nor how I went to sleep or anything like that, but as an adult, I just find that so scary and I’m always really scared whenever I know people who are going to have anesthesia because what if they don’t come back? I know trans people who don’t have other option but to undergo some surgeries and I’m like... I’m nonbinary afab and I’d be happy to donate my own boobs away any minute but I could never ever go to a surgery from my own will. I rather just fantasize of a bodyshape that I don’t have than would actually do something about it because for me that would just not be an option. I sometimes wonder that if I had dysphoria or if I was trans, would I still feel the need for surgeries? Or what if I have dysphoria but I just don’t see it, because I can’t do anything about it so I just escape into my inner world and try not to think about myself? I do have some sort of body dysMORPHIA, tho. But I don’t know if I hate my body or if I just see it wrongly. But whatever the case, I try not to think about it too much, I avoid mirrors and spend most of time in my inner world. Because the outter world is too overwhelming and depressing to deal with and my existential crisis can’t take it.

[funkymbtifiction]

Is this how my version of Inferior Fe, or is it a 3 thing?

I got typed ISTP on Nardi’s site and reading the ISTP tag here I could relate a lot to the characters and posts. One thing however that always trumped me was the inferior Fe descriptions. Because I couldn’t relate to ISTPs experiences on forums I decided to dig deeper. I got all the recommended books on MBTI to find an answer, even Was That Really Me? to check out the Fe grip chapter. It didn’t get me anywhere so I began to think my meltdowns were mostly induced by my Enneagram (3w4). I wanted to check out with you guys to see if it’s an Fe or 3 thing.

My self pity parties are private, but  I have had a couple meltdowns in front of my family and always for the same reason. I first had then when I was 13, and they were identical: I attempted a recipe I saw on a cooking show and my sauce turned out wrong and I just…sat down and cried. I remember my mom trying to calm me down and show me how to salvage it. I had no idea why, but it crushed me. Perhaps because I had previously always got everything I cooked right at first try. Later on Mother’s Day I decided to cook the whole day for my mom and grandma. I made a great chicken pie for lunch and planned a lavish afternoon tea. My cake turned out great and I was on cloud 9 until… half of my chocolate truffle spilled out of the window where I had put the pan to cool down on. I just remember bawling at how “Everything is ruined!!!”. Again my mom calmed me down and I used what I could save. Over time I got much better at dealing with mishaps, and started to improvise and be more creative when things didn’t go as planned. I still felt a bit upset when I couldn’t deliver as promised, but would be placated by knowing it was still good. But this weekend, more than decade later, it happened again. The empanadas were taking forever in the oven so I put my mom’s in the air fryer and it burned. When I saw it I felt like crying for a second, but turned it into anger. I told my mom to eat mine and started screaming about how angry I was that after so long working on it I couldn’t eat it. The truth is I wasn’t angry at all. I just felt like it was easier to be angry than sad. But it didn’t work and minutes later I started bawling at how it was ”BURNED, IT’S TOTALLY BURNED MOM, WHY DON’T EVER BELIEVE ME?”. Then I started going at how it was 1 AM on a Sunday and I had nothing to eat. It’s weird that I can be completely aware that logically the situation it’s not a bid deal, but feel like it is at the same time. Like the usual me takes a seat and just lets this stranger take on. It always baffles me because I only ever felt comfortable crying in front of my mom watching movies about a year ago, and I never share my struggles with anyone (even her), so all this bawling like a kid is very weird. I’m the logical “People are too sensitive!” “Suck it up!” one.

I thought it could be related to 3 because those episodes were mostly about not performing up to my standards, and disappointing the people I wanted to make happy and being hungry lol). I never was pressured about that at home, it was always an inborn thing, my rigid self standards and self expectations. I have memories of that from age 3 in kindergarten. I always felt so embarrassed when I underperform because you see, I was the “prodigy”. So nothing but the best from me. I care about my image and how people treat one another and behaving appropriately, but I disagree with how people say Fe users take on the values around them as their own. My take on several important things has always been different form my family and peers, and even now I disagree with a lot of the current views that are deemed the “correct” ones, and I’m unwilling to compromise on my values to fit in. I cut people/things from my life as soon as they cross a line.

My private meltdowns no one knows about are pretty dramatic and looking back on them, mostly childish and unlike me. They usually are about me being hurt by other people’s voicing their unsatisfaction at me. I keep on thinking on how unfair the person is being to me, of all the things I’ve done for then and all mistakes they made and how they take me for granted. I fantasize about leaving them and seeing how they cope, and being very successful and happy on my own while they realize the mistake they’ve made. This went on for years, I even used to do the silent treatment thing, I wanted then to come to me. But a couple years ago, things started to change. I would start thinking like usual, but at every accusing or self pitying thought a voice would couter it with how it was their every right to complain, reminding me of my mistakes. Basically it shuts down the hypocritical and self righteous part of me that is always the one to critique, but never wants to take the blame. I’ve grown very fond of this change as I think it’s a sign of maturing, and it helps with my self awareness.

Um.

You are not an ISTP. The reason you’re not relating to ISTPs online is you don’t share their judging axis. What you describe is clearly Te and Fi related.

An ISTP who didn’t do a recipe properly wouldn’t tell anyone or cry about it, they’d just eat it, or they’d use Ti to break down the system and figure out what went wrong, then adapt a different method the next time they made it.

Te expects to follow a recipe and have it turn out just exactly like the recipe says it will, and if it goes wrong, despite having done everything “right,” then it’s ruined. I have seen several IXFPs have similar meltdowns after working hard on something and not having it turn out right – they can be melodramatic about it, because low Te doesn’t know how to improvise or fix it and their aggravation makes it a disaster. I see this less with TJ types but it still happens sometimes.

You also sound like a 1 core more than 3 due to your idealistic notions of having to get things perfect on the first try – a 3 would deny they made a mistake and/or make a big deal out of re-framing it, or claim their sauce was superior, but instead you are being hard on yourself because you’re not living up to your own high personal expectations of instant perfection – a bit like Nina in Black Swan, who works her toes to the bone to be “the best.” You may have a 3 fix, or you could have a 2 fix, since your fantasies are all about how you aren’t appreciated for all the things you do for other people – that is specifically a 2 “sin” (being angry about not “getting” from giving), so you may be 1w9 (too high of expectations, generally hardworking and calm) with a 2w3 or a 3w2 fix.

In that light, you may want to consider the thought that you could be an IXTJ. 1-cores often go with IXTJs, more so than ISFPs, and if you are indeed non-emotional and rational most of the time, these rare snits could be low Fi. But ISFP isn’t out of the question if you know and identify with high Se/lower Ni.

- ENFP Mod

[welllpthisishappening]

All the Subliminal Things (1/?)

Emma Swan does not believe in soulmates.

Or so she says. Because if her soulmate did, actually, exist, he should have shown up by now. So, she must be a fluke, a broken cog in a system that really doesn't make much sense anyway. It is, she figures, why she agrees to meet David's friend before Regina and Robin's wedding. This guy doesn't believe in soulmates either.

She's intrigued.

Until she hears him talk. And everything flips after that.

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Rating: Teen Word Count: I think we’re at like 5K’ish this chapter? AN: Hello, kind internet! I’m back with more words, this time of the soulmate variety as part of the @cssns! I was hoping to post this earlier, but then there was work stuff and lots of lacrosse and more work stuff and, long story short, this is a story and I hope you like it. Thanks to the mods for organizing this event, the ladies on the Discord for listening to me babble about work and stress-fueled writing and @resident-of-storybrooke for that top-notch art. There are more chapters, but I haven’t actually organized them, so I’m thinking we’ll be at three and an update like...Tuesday? Maybe?

Also on Ao3 if that’s your jam. 

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“No.” “Emma, c’mon it’s not--” “--No.” “But what about--” “--Negative.” “It could be--” Emma shakes her head, widening her eyes to a size that very likely makes her look as crazy as she feels. The whole thing is ridiculous. And pointless. And not entirely unexpected. In a way that is, actually, entirely expected. “No,” she says again. “Never. No, thank you. Votch. Nee. Nah. Non.” David almost looks impressed. Good. That took about all the mental faculties she’s got left after a stakeout that lasted far longer than she wanted it to and however long this conversation has gone on. Too long.

Any length of conversation is too long for this conversation.

“Did you say nee at one point?” he asks. “Like the Knights who say similar things?” “They literally say nee,” Emma sighs, falling back into the corner of the couch and she can just make out Mary Margaret’s laughter from the kitchen. “That’s their whole schtick. And yes, I did, actually. It’s no. In Dutch.” 

“Oh my God, how many languages were there?” “Not at a ton.” “French too, right?” Mary Margaret asks, moving back into the living room with an impressive amount of food in her hands and it takes David less than a full second to jump up. Emma rolls her eyes.

“And Armenian.” “When did you learn Armenian?” “There was an Armenian kid in--” Emma clicks her tongue, tracing back through memories and disappointments and she’s far too tired for any of this. She shouldn’t have agreed to come home with David after work, but she’s fairly certain the only thing she’s got in her fridge is a half-finished carton of milk and she can’t remember when she actually bought a full carton of milk so Emma figures there’s less threat of food poisoning at David and Mary Margaret’s.

Far more convoluted plans, but definitely less food poisoning.

It’s a give or take or something.

“You going to finish that thought or…” David quips, taking an exaggerated bite of the sandwiches Mary Margaret’s made them.

Emma flips him off. Mary Margaret doesn’t try to hide her laugh that time. “I was, like, nine or something,” Emma shrugs. “Somewhere in middle of nowhere Pennsylvania and that girl had just gotten sent back from the last group home she'd been to.” “It’s a real uplifting story, Em.” “I really don’t want to flip you off in front of your wife again.”

David grins. “Eat your sandwich.” Emma does as instructed, chewing thoughtfully and refusing to acknowledge the growing certainty in the back of her mind that David is only biding his time. He’s waiting to strike when she least expects it, catch her off guard so she’ll agree to this whole, ridiculous thing and she’ll probably choke on turkey and swiss cheese in the process and--

“You really don’t want to do it?” Emma groans. She doesn’t choke. That seems like a victory. She swallows instead, glaring at David with as much venom as her exhausted mind can muster and he doesn’t blink. He looks very sure of himself.

“I’m going to get Google Translate on my phone,” Emma warns. “Then we’ll both be driven insane by this and Mary Margaret will probably have to spoon feed us or something.” Mary Margaret shakes her head. “I’m not doing that.” “See! This plan is actually so insane that even picture perfect true love Mary Margaret doesn’t want to go along with it!” “Oh, I didn’t say that,” Mary Margaret objects, and Emma is going to do permanent damage to her spine if she slumps any lower. “I just knew you would say no. David is incredibly stubborn, that’s all.” “Bullheaded,” Emma amends.

David rolls his entire head in response, a sigh that only sounds a little melodramatic when he’s trying to set Emma up with one of his friends from college. For a wedding. That involves Mary Margaret’s step sister. And one of David’s other friends from college. The whole thing is a twisted web or ridiculous that Emma is certain she’ll only be able to understand with some kind of chart, but it’s ended, somehow, with her also getting an invitation.

And a plus one. That she hasn’t filled. Neither, apparently, has this guy. Emma doesn’t know what his name is yet.

“That’s incredibly unfair,” David says, waving both hands through the air and it’s only a little absurd when he’s still holding half a sandwich. “I’m simply looking out for you. And him. Collectively. And individually.” “That was convoluted.” “Only because you’re tired.”

Emma flips him off. Mary Margaret’s laugh turns into some kind of cackle.

“What is this guy’s deal?” Emma asks, well aware of how whiny her voice sounds. But she still can’t shake that feeling in the back of her mind and David and Mary Margaret have a habit of...this.

Because it’s not just a set-up. That’s not the world they live in. Once upon a time, maybe it could have been when people didn’t realize that soulmates were out there and modern science hadn’t conducted enough experiments to realize that they were also exceedingly rare. Maybe it could have just been a meeting through mutual friends, a flash of smiles and shared interests and…

No.

That’s not the world. Now, the world is a desperate attempt to find the one in a bold and underlined kind of way. Soulmates might be rare, but they’re the pinnacle – the goal of everyone from the time they have their first moment. That’s what they call it. The moment. Emma thinks it’s the least creative thing she’s ever heard.

And her’s came when she was sixteen and living in Minnesota, recently returned from the house of a woman who claimed she was going to adopt her, only to turn out to be some kind of actual psychopath who believed they were soulmates. The thought of it still sends a chill down Emma’s spine, partially because she doesn’t like thinking about Ingrid much and partially because of what happened after Ingrid.

It had been fleeting, the whole scene playing out in front of her eyes so quickly sometimes Emma wonders if she just dreamt it. There was a hallway, dim lighting and fingers laced through hers, an arm heavy around her waist and she distinctly remembers she couldn’t feel anything else, no hand pressed against her back or anything to pull her closer. There were words though, a quiet whisper pressed into the curve of her neck and that one very specific spot behind her ear, it’s you Emma, and sometimes, when things go to absolute shit and she comes home to absolutely expired milk, Emma likes to think of it.

That she could be something. For someone.

And that’s not always how it works. It isn’t always a vision. Sometimes it’s a feeling. Or face in a crowd. Sometimes it’s immediate. Or the sudden desire to be anywhere except where you are because anywhere is maybe where your soulmate is standing.

It’s unpredictable and uncontrollable and Mary Margaret and David turned around when they were nineteen years old and knew. Mary Margaret was running late for class. David was early to meet a girl his parents thought he’d get along with.

And that, as they say, was that.

The problem with all of it, of course, is finding them. Emma’s never actually looked for her soulmate and part of her knows it’s cowardice, but part of her thought it could have been Neal and that blew up in her face and, honestly, fuck it.

Her soulmate can find her if he wants to.

She’s also never mentioned that she has one. To anyone. Ever.

So, the cowardly thing is pretty on point.

“Killian does not have a deal,” Davids says, jerking Emma back to reality and Mary Margaret makes a contradictory noise in the back of her throat.

Emma blinks. “What was that?” “He kind of has a deal,” Mary Margaret mutters. “Like just...a tiny deal. Real small.” “That so? How small?” “Minuscule, honestly.” “And his name is Killian? Straight up.” David groans, eating the rest of his sandwich so he can put his hand to much better use and run it over his face. “Maybe don’t open with that.” “It doesn’t matter what I open with, I’m not going to this wedding with him,” Emma argues. She levels David with another look when he hums noncommittally. The feeling keeps growing. Like it’s taking over her brain. She needs to sleep. “Ok,” she sighs. “What is his deal, minuscule or otherwise? Is he, like, desperately seeking soulmate?” Mary Margaret freezes. David grits his teeth.

“Oh my God, that’s it, isn’t it?” Emma shouts, jumping off the couch and none of her muscles were prepared for that. “Are you guys kidding me? I am not doing this. Some creep guy who who only believes a relationship can exist with a soulmate is just--” “--That’s not what’s happening here,” David interrupts sharply.

“No?” “No. This is...ok, full disclosure, Killian doesn’t believe in soulmates. Like at all.” “Why not?” “Neither do you, Emma,” Mary Margaret points out lightly, and she supposes that fair. A coward and a great, big giant liar. It’s not a great combination.

Emma nods slowly, breathing through her mouth. “Right, right. Why?” “Why don’t you believe in soulmates?” “Why doesn’t David’s frat brother believe in soulmates?” “Ok, we were never in a frat,” David grumbles. “Jones--” “--That’s his last name,” Mary Margaret explains when Emma’s brows lower in confusion. “He’s been through some shit. In the last few months. And years, honestly. It’s...well, that’s not my story, but that’s part of the reason why he’s moving here. Fresh starts and opening the bar with Locksley and all that. But, yeah, he’s coming here and Regina gave him the plus one too, which was…” “Not the best,” Mary Margaret supplies, and Emma is close to bursting with questions. She bites her tongue.

David nods. “Exactly that. Anyway, I just think you guys could get along and there’s no soulmate potential here, I swear. Just...a drinking buddy after Regina makes us all pose for pictures.” “I’m not in the wedding party,” Emma points out.

“Yes, but now you’ve got something to look forward to. Jones will totally be down to guess how much everything costs too. He despises elitism.” “How much do you think he paid for his tux?” “That’s a question you can ask him when you meet him for coffee. Tomorrow.” Emma throws a sandwich at him. She doesn’t really think about it before she does it – or the far more mature option of the several decorative pillows on the couch behind her – but the whole thing is purely emotional and decidedly instinctual and she’s gotten, like, six hours of sleep in the last four days.

“Are you kidding me, David?” “Are you?” he challenges, pulling a piece of bread off his jaw. “How old are you?” “Old enough that you can't control my schedule! You are not my mother!” “I’m not trying to be.” “No?” Emma shouts, and she’s half a second away from stomping her foot too. She’s going to have to apologize to Mary Margaret. That other slice of bread landed mayo-side down on the floor. “Did he agree to this?” David opens his mouth, but Mary Margaret answers quicker, a sharp head shake and “he kicked him when he came up with the idea a couple days ago.” In the grand scheme of everything, Emma isn’t sure why that is what makes the difference. It’s not really much of a difference anyway – she’s still certain this an absolutely terrible, God awful idea, but she’s admittedly a little intrigued and being curious has always been a defining characteristic and she can just leave if it’s bad. She’s rationalized the whole thing. David is staring at her.

And the feeling is still there, a quiet something that might actually be hope lingering in the pit of her stomach. It’s weird. Warm. Weird and warm.

“You think he’ll show?” Emma asks, and David shrugs.

“Only one way to find out, right?”

Emma does not do well with the unpredictable. She likes plans and structure and a childhood of being bounced around the foster system has left her with the absolute certainty that nothing is going to work out unless she works for it.

She’s not into spontaneity. It freaks her out.

So it only makes sense that she’s slightly to moderately frustrated when she walks into the coffee shop a few blocks away from her apartment to find it decidedly empty of anyone except a few mid-afternoon workers and one old man reading the newspaper.

“Damn,” Emma mutters, shoulders slumping. She’s going to kill David. Or kick him. No, no kicking. That’s too...whatever.

She bobs on the balls of her feet, awkwardly standing just inside the door and it only takes a few moments of internal debate to decide fuck it and she orders a large coffee. It draws a few curious stares from the previously observed workers and Emma takes some perverse pleasure in whatever their eyes do when she spends at least four seconds pouring cinnamon into the cup.

So, at last check, she’s cowardly and a great, big giant liar and kind of petulant. What a catch.

And she’s only going to stay as long it takes to finish her drink and scroll through her Twitter feed, slumped in another piece of furniture that isn’t hers, but the world is apparently a messed up, vaguely magical place and, at first, Emma is certain it’s the caffeine.

Like it’s making her heart beat too quickly, pulse thudding in her ears and mouth going dry because her tongue might honestly be growing. That’s so gross.

She usually drinks hot chocolate anyway and chocolate has caffeine, but not like coffee and the door slams shuts behind him. It takes him, exactly, four steps to cross the shop, walking right up to the register with an easy sense of confidence that almost makes the leather jacket he’s wearing acceptable and Emma doesn’t blink.

She’s forgotten how.

He looks like David said he would – dark hair that curls slightly behind his ear and David didn’t mention that part. Emma figures he didn’t notice. That’s fair. She’s far too busy noticing it anyway. He flashes a smile when he’s done with his order, a quirk of his eyebrows that might be flirting and the girl behind the counter giggles.

Honestly.

Emma barely hears it. She’s too busy possibly dying. She can’t remember when she took a deep breath last, a mixture of words she’s spent half a lifetime trying to remember perfectly and forget entirely and a single coffee order. He ordered a cappuccino. With extra foam.

That might have been why the girl laughed. It’s a ridiculous coffee order. And the voice is exactly the same.

Her voice.

“Holy fu--” Emma breathes, gripping her coffee cup tight enough the lid snaps off and that’s what draws his attention. Figures.

He pauses, eyes moving from her face down to her stretched out leg and there is coffee on her hand. His mouth opens, only to close again, one eyebrow arching in a way that, honestly, is kind of offensive and clearly judgmental and--

“Were you trying to run away?” That’s not what Emma expects him to ask. She shakes her head, disbelief in every shift of her hair, and that eyebrow is defying gravity. “Were you expecting me to run away? Also, you’re incredibly late, you know that?” “Like five minutes. Where did you park?” “I live a couple blocks away from here.” Killian hums and Emma can just make out the tip of his tongue between his teeth. That’s worse than the eyebrow thing. Way worse. “Ah, that’s why David planned it here. I think that means he’s picking you as the favorite.” “Or he just thinks you’ll be able to find parking easier than you’re claiming.” “Are you questioning the parking thing, Swan?” Killian asks, and oh. Oh. Last names. That’s fine. Emma is fine with that. She didn’t expect him to call her by her first name. That would have been insane.

Soulmates are so goddamn stupid.

Emma shrugs. “I mean...it does kind of sound like an excuse.” “But I’m here,” he argues. “Clearly I’m piqued.” “In a British sort of way?” “That’s pronounced differently. In a my curiosity is sort of way.” “Ah,” she says. “it’s a science experiment then?” They call his name at the counter – extra foam and all, and Killian’s head snaps between Emma and the giggling girl and back to Emma again. He licks his lips. “That’s a very cynical approach, don’t you think?”

“You tell me.” It’s not a very good first impression. It’s a kind of mean first impression, honestly, but Emma can’t get a read on him at all and if Killian Jones is her soulmate he should be reacting less…less. There should be fireworks or something. Metaphorically. Mary Margaret always mentioned metaphorical fireworks.

“Maybe,” Killian says, and it sounds a bit like an admission. “I just--” They call his name again, one hand fisting at his side and Emma knows her eyes widen a bit. Only one hand. “Hold that thought,” he mutters, and she tries to keep her breathing level.

Emma breathes like an actual human for a full twelve seconds.

“Ok,” Killian continues, dropping onto the edge of a table covered with magazines that are several months out of date. “Why’d you show, then?” “Wow, straight to the interrogation, huh? Why’d you show?” “I asked you first.” “I threw a sandwich at David’s face.” He barks out a laugh and it’s like everything and then some and Emma forgets her coffee cup doesn’t have a top on it anymore. She nearly spills it all over herself. Killian’s hand darts forward quickly, the hint of a smile lingering at the corner of his lips when his fingers wrap around her wrist. “You’re going to burn yourself,” he mumbles, tugging the cup out of her hand and there are napkins on the table.

She has no idea where they came from.

She refuses to take that as some kind of sign.

The whole thing doesn’t last very long. There are bunched up napkins and then slightly damp napkins and Killian’s eyes dart up towards Emma more than once, neither one of them saying anything because it kind of feels like the air is made of actual electricity.

Emma swallows. “Thanks.” “Yeah, yeah,” he stammers, which is also probably not a sign. He doesn’t believe in soulmates. She doesn’t want a soulmate.

David wants them to go to a wedding together.

“Why did you bring up the sandwich thing?” Killian asks. “In context, it just…” “Ok, it makes sense. I’m trying to make you aware of how much I did not want to do this.”

Cowardly and a great, big giant liar, kind of petulant and just sort of a jerk. Killian’s eyebrows fly, eyes distractingly blue when he meets Emma’s gaze straight on. That version of the laugh is a bit more skeptical and maybe his own brand of frustration and that’s also fair.

“And,” Emma adds, leaning forward unconsciously. Totally. “I heard you kicked him. So. Grand scheme or whatever.” “Whatever. Who told you I kicked him?” “Mary Margaret.” “Can’t keep a secret to save her life,” Killian laughs, and neither one of them have tried to move out of each other’s space. It should probably be more disconcerting. “That still doesn’t explain why you are here, Swan.” Emma clicks her teeth, twisting her lips so she has something to focus on other than the color of Killian’s eyes. That can’t be normal. “David seemed to think it was a good idea. And I’m...interested.” “In me?”

“Oh, don’t say it like that. It’s not like that.” It is, in fact, exactly like that, but Emma’s starting to suspect several things of varying degrees of disappointment so she doesn’t say that.

Killian grins, the movement slinking across his face like that’s even possible, settling into something closer to a smirk and Emma briefly wonders what it would be like to get her fingers in his hair. She’s fairly positive that’s where her hands were in the moment.

That’s a dangerous line of thought.

“What are you interested in, then?”

Emma jerks back. Her spine hates her. “Why you don’t think soulmates exist.” The silence that follows is overpowering. It’s heavy and never-ending and Emma isn’t breathing again. Her lungs hate her too.

Killian’s gaze shifts, lingering over her shoulder and straight out the window, like he’s staring at something only he can see and Emma regrets the words already. She should have come up with a better plan.

She’s so bad at in the moment.

And she hadn’t noticed the colors on his arm before, only clear when his jacket sleeve shifts slightly and she’s certain she’ll regret these words too. She says them anyway.

“Who’s Milah?” His whole body goes tense, jaw clenching and a muscle in his temple jumping. Emma’s coffee is lukewarm when reaches forward and takes a sip.

“Someone from before,” he says, a finality in his voice that begs more questions and refuses to answer any of them. “That’s why you’re here? To question the soulmate thing?” “No!” “No?” “Maybe,” Emma amends, Killian’s lips twitching. “I just...ok, I’m not big on it either. I think it’s kind of stupid, you know?” “Stupid.” “I’m going to leave if you just keep repeating me.”

He makes a face – not quite a full blown smile, but not a glare either and his eyes definitely flicker towards her lips when Emma takes another drink. “Let’s avoid that then, shall we? So, you’re not big on soulmates because...what? You think it’s forced love? That’s not how it works.” “The likelihood of people staying in a relationship when they’re not soulmates is slim.” “Still. It happens. Soulmates are just a guaranteed success rate. Ruining the careers of divorce lawyers everywhere.”

“It’s stupid,” Emma says again, well aware that she’s repeating herself now and that smirk is going to be a problem. “And people are obsessed with it and, you know it’s--” “--Did you think you had a soulmate once?”

She’s got to stop feeling like her tongue is expanding in her mouth. That’s not romantic at all. This is not romantic.

This is a disaster.

“Of course not,” she snaps. “Why--why would you say that?” “For someone who’s never had a soulmate, you seem to have a lot of opinions on them.” “And you don’t? David was very certain you don’t believe in them.” “Anymore.” Something, something, a light bulb goes off. “Oh,” Emma breathes, eyes darting back to his forearm and the prosthetic hand. “So, uh...Milah. Not just someone from before, huh? A very big, very important someone?” “I’m not having this conversation with you.” He doesn’t shout it and that’s ten-thousand times worse. Emma wishes he did. She wishes he’d stood up and knocked over the coffee table and did something drastic to the ostentatious espresso machine behind the counter. He doesn’t. He stares at her, intent and almost demanding and she can feel the flush rise in her cheeks.

“Yeah, ok,” she mumbles.

Killian sighs. “That was kind of a dick move, right?” “A little, but I don’t really know you.” “I don’t really know you.” “So...curiosity still piqued?” “Yeah, a bit,” he nods. “How often, on average, do you think David and Mary Margaret try and set you up on the idea that this could be the one?” “I don’t know that I’ve ever done the math, but since I got here--” Emma shrugs, twisting a piece of hair around her fingers and she doesn’t think she imagines the way Killian’s gaze lightens at that. “Somewhere in the high double digits at least.” “How long have you been here? You’re David’s partner, right?” “Yes to the second and, uh...like two years?” “And they’re averaging high double digits already?” Killian whistles. “That’s impressive, even for them.”

“You’re not doing a lot to make me all that confident about how the rest of forever is going to go.”

He chuckles, hand wrapping around the back of his neck. “True, but there might be a light at the end of this tunnel and I think David has gift wrapped it for us.” “That didn’t make any sense at all.”

“I’m getting there. There’s a flow to these kind of stories, Swan.” “And if you’re not careful you will bore your audience.” Emma wonders if she’d be able to shave his eyebrows off without him noticing. Probably not. “David thinks we should go to this wedding together,” Killian says. “The word kindred spirits and actual spirits were used several times.” “That’s because he thinks he’s way funnier than he is. Where are you going with this? You actually want to go to this wedding together? Like...like together?” It’s not the most high school thing Emma has ever said, but she didn’t have a normal high school experience so maybe her perception is just skewed. Killian is still smiling at her.

“I think if we agree with this for one night we’ll at least have a few weeks of breathing room. And maybe have some fun, but weddings are already a disaster with all the soulmate shit. People asking if you’re with them or finding them or looking for them at the reception. This covers all our bases.” “You’re cliché obsessed.” “That’s not an answer.” “Was there a question?”

“Yes,” Killian says, reaching out to rest his hand on Emma’s knee. Her brain short circuits. She does not know enough about electricity to keep making puns like this. “I am asking you to go to to this wedding, as each other’s plus ones. We act it all out. We’re together and good and very, very happy and I don’t feel like I spent way too much on that tuxedo.” “How much do you think you spent?” “Too much.” Emma rolls her eyes. “We ignore the absurdities of modern wedding culture, we get our friends and inquisitive strangers to leave us alone because our friends will know we’re just there for fun and strangers will assume whatever they want.” Emma’s stomach flies into her throat. It’s probably a good thing her tongue expanded that much. “Wait, wait, backtrack, you want people to believe that we’re each other’s soulmates? Is that a joke? Are you joking right now?” The tips of Killian’s ears go red, fingers finding the hair at the nape of his neck. “I mean...not entirely.” “That sounds like a yes.” “That’s how it was intended, yeah.” Emma’s brain can not keep up with any of this. There are too many cylinders and an influx of feelings and none of it makes any sense.

This moment sucks. Completely. And totally.

“Thoughts?” Killian prompts, wincing when Emma gapes at him. “Those don’t look like good thoughts really.” “You don’t get to make comments on my thoughts, Jones!” He smirks. She hates him. That doesn’t seem in line with the soulmate thing.

“Ok, ok,” he backtracks. “I’m not saying we have to tell anyone that we’re soulmates. Just that...if people assume, it might not be the worst thing in the world.” “You have a lot of people coming up to you and demanding to meet your soulmate? That confident in your ability to soulmate, huh?” “I’ve never heard it used as a verb before.” Emma scowls, drawing a laugh out of him and she’s probably not cataloguing each shift in sound for her own personal, mind records. Only a crazy person would do that.

Emma is not crazy.

“It’s impressive,” Killian continues. “Your obvious command of the English language. But let me ask you something, Swan. Have you ever been to a soulmate wedding before?” She shakes her head. Strictly speaking, she’s never been to a wedding, but that’s a wholly depressing fact and not going to do her any kind of first-impression favors and she’s heard the rumors. Soulmate weddings are epic and extraordinary and another adjective that probably starts with the letter ‘e’ and even Mary Margaret can’t come up with anything good to say about her step-mother’s propensity towards extreme.

That’s another ‘e’ adjective.

“No,” Emma says, short and concise.

“It’s a lot. Tradition and commitment and, yes, people will think that they can ask you about your own status because everyone’s so hopped up on love that they lose any sense of tact.” “That reeks of bitterness.” “I’m a little bitter that’s why.”

Emma scoffs, but it’s almost a laugh. “Yeah, I get that. Ok, so...we don’t actually tell anyone that we’re soulmates, just agree if they ask?” Killian nods. “And this is...no strings attached, really. We’re just going to make David happy and ignore any other potential setups and this is a convenience. For both of us.” “Exactly. It could even be fun to not drink alone. Cora Mills loves her open bars.”

“Wow,” Emma mutters. “That’s high praise.” “What’s your drink of choice, Swan?” “Is that the deal? I tell you what I drink and we’re good to go on the whole thing? Or is it just a professional obligation?” “It might not hurt to know some things about you,” Killian reasons, a glint his gaze that makes Emma’s stomach flip. It’s still in the back of her throat. “Whisky.”

“Good to know.”

“Wait, wait, wait, you’ve got to explain it again.” Emma shakes her head, continuing to pace the small circle she’s considering claiming as hers and she didn’t quite run out of the coffee shop as soon as Killian left, not even a full hour after he got there, but it was close. Numbers were exchanged. The plan to hang out again was made.

Exactly like that too.

Hang out.

The words make Emma want to gag.

So she does.

And groans.

And Elsa’s eyes dart towards Ruby because Emma had barely gotten out of the coffee shop she definitely hadn’t run out of before she’d yanked her phone out of her pocket and demanded some kind of quasi meeting and Elsa’s apartment is on the other side of town.

Realizing that she may, in fact, be crazy is annoying.

“I can’t go over it again,” Emma groans. “I just..I can’t. This is bad. This is really, really bad.”

“It could be good,” Elsa objects, whatever noise Ruby makes likely doing damage to the inside of her throat.

“She agreed to fake date her actual soulmate,” Ruby yells. She’s waving her hands in the air. Like that will help her make her point. “A soulmate none of us knew she had.”

Emma cannot groan forever. She’s going to try anyway. “It wasn’t a big deal! It was--I had the moment when I was a kid and, yeah, maybe I’ve harped a little and--” “--You? Harp?” “Ok, don’t be rude.” Ruby doesn’t stop moving her hands. “I’m not. I’m confused. You don’t harp, Em. You move on and get over and don’t believe in soulmates.” “Because I knew mine was drifting through space! He wasn’t a threat!” “You think David’s college friend is a threat?” Elsa asks. “The one you agreed to go to the wedding with? And meet again?” Emma doesn’t groan. She sighs. In defeat. It’s worse. “I wanted to,” she whispers, an admission that isn’t that because Killian Jones is her soulmate, but she might not be his and she should have said something.

He should have said something.

She wishes she’d kissed him.

“Yeah, I know,” Elsa says, a note of pity in her voice that’s equal parts unnerving and comforting. “Ok, so let’s rehash real quick. David and Mary Margaret think you and Killian will be good together because you’re both anti soulmate. You, however, have known about your soulmate since you were sixteen when you--” “--Vision,” Emma supplies. “Of a hallway. He called me Emma.” “And he didn’t do that today?” Ruby asks. “No. We were in that coffee place a couple blocks away from my apartment. I think David was being secretly protective.” “Figures. And no first name?” “He called me Swan several times.” “Kitschy.” “That’s so weird though,” Elsa muses, Emma making some kind of noise that may be an agreement. “How often do you think one person can have a soulmate and it not go both ways?”

Ruby makes a face. “I’ve never heard of that before. It’s usually very reciprocated.”

“Fantastic,” Emma hisses.

“And you didn’t tell him?” “How do I bring that up, Rubes. Oh, hey, my partner thinks we’d be a great match because we’re both so totally fucked by this soulmate thing that our greatest defining characteristic is how much we hate it, but, oh, also, guess what, I think you’re my soulmate? Yeah, that’d go over fantastic.” “Think?” “What?” “You said, think,” Elsa points out with a scrunch of her nose. “That’s kind of a lie, isn’t it?”

Emma hates that she blushes. “The world’s biggest, lie possibly." She nearly trips over her own feet. And she knows she doesn’t have any whisky at home. Just leftovers Mary Margaret gave her the night before. “On a scale of one to ten how bad do you think is going to go?”

“Honestly?” “I mean...no, but yeah.” “A twelve, at least.” “Yeah,” Emma agrees, mostly because she thinks they’re already at thirteen and he’d been far too easy to talk to. And attracted to. She can’t believe she ever thought Neal’s voice might have been that voice. “Yeah, yeah. So. It’ll probably be fine, right?” Ruby hums, but her gaze darts to Elsa, an exchange without words that doesn’t need words. “Maybe if we say it some more, it’ll sound better.” “It’ll be fine.” “Once more with feeling.” “It’ll be fine.”

They’re definitely at fourteen now, and the gasp all three of them let out when Emma’s phone vibrates on the couch cushion is ridiculous.

Her hand shakes when she grabs it.

It was nice to meet you, Swan. Maybe next time I can introduce you to espresso and you won’t dump your coffee everywhere.

“Ah, damn,” Emma mumbles, heart hammering against her chest and this is already as not fine as it can be.

[booyaxboy]

Thoughts on The Surge

If you ask any Dark Souls fan what that game was missing, somewhere on list someone is boud to say “robots”. Action/RPG title The Surge attempts to tackle this exact issue. Released in 2017 The Surge is the second attempt by Deck 13 to make its mark on a relatively new genre.

WHAT IS IT?

In the simplest terms The Surge is a “Soulslike” or an Action/RPG title with an emphasis on timing and the conservation of precious resources against relentless foes, each more devious than the last. Where The Surge blazes a new trail is the added layer of having to target and sever specific limbs off enemies in order to collect their sweet sweet loot. Like all Souls-likes defeating an enemy rewards the player with currency that can exchanged for upgrades to their character or gear with ever increasing cost, known here as “scrap”. Engaging with the limb targeting system will also reward the player with new gear and upgrade materials. The system is simple: decapitating an enemy wearing a helmet will reward the player with said helmet, if the player doesn’t already own it. If that piece is already part of your collection than the player is rewarded in upgrade materials that correspond to that particular body part. If the arms are targeted there is the added bonus of collecting a new weapon or weapon upgrade materials. Each part (head,body, arms, legs and weapons) uses their own unique material so there is no worry of overlap, and any farmer of materials can be focuses with no worries of a random drop not given you what you need. There are also many enemies that may not have armor equipped, these areas can be stuck for bonus damage bring the fight to a quicker close. The system even extends to non-human enemy types, as different parts of the robot enemies can be targeted and broken to slow them down or reduce their offensive vocabulary.

The Surge is also visually distinct from the Souls games that inspired it. This adventure trades the Souls medieval fantasy swords and sorcery setting for a high tech future of robots and exo suits. The story begins with a man named Warren who signs up for a new job with tech giant CREO. Warren begins the game bound to a wheelchair but thanks to the exo suit technology of his new position is able to walk again. The player takes control after the surgery to graft the exosuit to Warren’s body goes very, very wrong. Instead of being put under for the operation the automated process begins with Warren fully conscious and what could only be described as pure torture plays out. Screws and bolts are drilled directly into his body, including his head, until Warren eventually passes out. The game begins in earnest an unknown amount of time later when Warren awakes in junkyard with most of the CREO facility in ruins. From here its up to the player to survive against malfunctioning robots, exosuit wearing psychos, and a militaristic security force trying to keep Warren from unraveling the secret of what CREO was really up to.

THE NEGATIVES

The biggest issue that I had was, funnily enough, with the mechanics of the combat. Not the controls or the UI elements, but with the invisible numbers behind the scenes. Back when I first tried Dark Souls I got a grip on the flow of combat fairly early. After leaving the initial tutorial area I wandered, like many into the nearby graveyard. Unlike the enemies in the tutorial zone that felt in line with my stats, the skeletons in the graveyard were taking whole chunks of my health with a single attack with I did barely any damage at all. I had come into Souls knowing its reputation for difficulty, but this initial outing led me to think that difficulty came from a lopsided power curve opposed to any form of elegant design. I eventually figured out by watching a Let’s Play that I was heading the wrong way, and would go on to become a fan of the series. The surge is this first feeling of lopsided stats, but through the whole game. No enemy save the small drones is more than 2 hits away from taking Warren down. But said drones are never alone, and should a hit land they present a very real threat of stun locking the player until a heavier hitting baddie finishes the job. The amount of times I was one-shot but a scrub level enemy was absurd, and the amount of ambushes that occur mean there will be many a loading screen between being able to learn what you did wrong and being able to execute what you learned. Unlike in Souls when each level up gave the player a slight boost in defense, The Surge’s upgrades are tied to a plug-in system. Health and stamina boost, healing items, and this game’s version of a ranged attack are all mapped to one of a limited number of slots, and limited in effectiveness by the players power level. They system works and brings something new to the table (more on that later) but having any kind of survivability meant loading up on health boosters and heals, leaving little to no room from anything else not related to being able to tank 3 hits at a time. I can see advance players being able to do without the boosters, and a no damage run is definitely possible, but for a newcomer learning the games patterns and traps it was choice between limiting add-on to health or getting very familiar with the games loading screen.

Other smaller issues are present as well. The game takes place entirely in the CREO complex, as such doesn’t have a lot of diversity when it comes to environments. Warren moves from on ruined concrete structure to a darkened factory and back again. Literally back again, close to a full third of the game takes place backtracking through a single manufacturing complex at different points of the story. Each of the locations is also honeycombed with identical maintenance tunnels, that can keep the player running in circles if they are not careful. Adding to the confusion is a lack of general direction with level design. While most times it works fine just working through the path of least resistance, there were two spots in particular where I had to look up what my next move should be, due in combination of a lack of signaling that I should return to a previous zone and the level’s labyrinthian design preventing the game from presenting a clear goal. The visuals area to area are so similar it prompted by wife to ask, after three evenings in a row, if I had made any progress at all as what was on screen now was so similar to what was there all week, despite my location in the game being two zones later.

The sameness of the environment also bleeds into the enemy roster. An overwhelming majority of the foes in Warren’s way are other humans in different armor types with one of a limited type of weapons. Most of the games later half has Warren facing off with the CREO security force, all wearing identical armor and weapons. One new heavy variant is introduced in the second to last area, but that is also a de-powered copy of boss from just minutes before that area. They are also flanked drones, but even those are just palette swaps of enemies seen through the whole game. The truly imaginative designs come in the games last area with two new types of enemy. Both are based on nanomachines: one a shape shifting blob and the other another humanoid, but one that can change his armor locations and weapon type on the fly. Of course the earlier statements of difficulty by numbers holds true, and I never bothered engaging any blobs that weren’t immediately outside a safe room due to the myriad of ways an encounter could go south.

THE POSITIVES

If it seems like I’m down on this game I’m not, it’s just kinda like that friend you only want around occasionally because he gets really aggressive for no reason, makes every one else really uncomfortable and once in a while breaks something, but mostly he’s a good time.

The general feel of combat is the games strongest point. Weapons, even those in the same class, feel distinct thanks to variations of moveset. Animations and sounds create a visceral portrait of the future that had me looking for the next fight. The aforementioned upgrade system allows for a wide range of experiments without worrying about being locked into a build, if the player is competent enough to shed some of the health upgrades. Even in the face of the blandness of the levels, the intricate design of each on a wireframe level was very cool. Following the path forward would eventual cut back into itself, unveiling a shortcut back to the level’s safe room. If a player got the layout down then no destination was more than a minute or so away, despite a level being hours long from start to end.

An undeniable win was the games approach to boss battles. Each fight could be approached is classic video game style, hit the guy till the bar goes away, or in a new way unique to each fight. Fighting a bibedial machine not unlike the big thing from Robocop I was able to trick its own homing missiles to hit the boss instead. A late game example was being able to trick a boss into damaging the environment around us to prevent reinforcements from joining the fight.

THE SUMMARY

The Surge was worth the time I put into it at the end. I can’t say it was worth the money, as I got the game for free through Xbox’s Game Pass program. It presented a new wrinkle in the Souls-genre and unlike the studio’s last outing, Lords of the Fallen, kept me interested enough to see it through to credits. The game presents a challenge for those looking for one, and the number of options presented to the player makes the road to success feel like your own despite the limited number of actual options. Fights are tense, enemies are readable if overpowered, but no challenge ever feels impossible despite seeming unfair.

Overall: Positive

[+] Intense, gritty combat is always engaging

[+] Criss crossing level design makes every shortcut a welcome sight, and keeps whats around the next corner a mystery.

[+] Limb targeting for loot makes farming player driven without the worry of random drops.

[+] Boss battles are unique and memorable

[-] Enemies and environments lack distinguishing features, leaving a feeling of sameness past the game’s second area.

[-] Most of the games challenge comes from over powerful enemies, even basic units can kill in a single hit.

[-] Conveyance of the next objective is not always clear, often going objectives are found by following the path of least resistance as opposed to being presented as a goal.

[cindylouwho-2]

RECENT NEWS & STUDIES, late April 2019

Welcome to my latest summary of recent news & studies including search, analytics, content marketing, social media & ecommerce! This covers articles I came across from April 9th to May 2, although some may be older than that. 

I am really interested in hearing what you think of this new format - please leave a comment below, or convo, Tweet or email me through my website. Let’s make this as useful as possible! 

TOP NEWS & ARTICLES 

US Amazon sellers were told via email that they will have to pay taxes on some Amazon fees, as Etsy has been doing with sellers in the EU and in Quebec. 

The Instagram look may be dropping out of favour; apparently, reality is in. “Instagram museums and walls were built to allow normal people to take influencer-quality photographs—but they worked so well, those types of photos became common enough that they don’t resonate like they used to. “#unfiltered 

In case you missed it, my review of Etsy’s Spring & Summer Trends Guide, including all of the keyword data (which you do need to check out, as they reveal some interesting search info). 

ETSY NEWS

Etsy published a new census/survey of sellers in its 6 core countries, and also did a summary (if you don’t want to read the whole thing). “More than nine out of ten Etsy sellers (91%) are the sole owner of their businesses.”... “The majority (82%) of Etsy sellers would like to grow their business, but more than three out of five would not want to grow so big that they would have to hire more help.”

The bugs & errors with financial statements and records continue; Etsy botched the VAT statements yet again, even overwriting them all the way back to 2016. No word on whether any sellers have notified EU authorities on this yet. 

New seller handbook article covers advertising; not much new or gripping, but it does discuss general ad approaches, not just Etsy’s. 

There is also a new free shipping tool, in case you didn’t realize that Etsy wants more sellers to offer free shipping more often. “When we talk to shoppers during research, many say things like “I want to feel like I’m getting a deal!” and “I would love to see free shipping across the board, even if it meant increased prices.” Offering free shipping can be a great way to give customers like these the shopping experience they are looking for.”

CEO Josh Silverman participated in The Wall Street Journal’s “In the Elevator” interview series [video link]. Every 90 seconds, an engagement ring or wedding ring sells on Etsy. He also talks about free & fast shipping not always being a reasonable expectation when shopping on Etsy, unlike Amazon. 

Speaking of free shipping, a limited number of US customers will be getting it from Etsy, with Etsy reimbursing sellers for the costs. Non-US sellers and buyers get nothing. 

Etsy’s 2019 1st quarter results will be available May 8.

SEO: GOOGLE & OTHER SEARCH ENGINES 

Rand Fishkin released Part 5 of his Learn SEO in 1 Hour series: technical SEO [video & written transcript]. This is the one most of you can skip or just skim over, as it does talk a lot about coding.Some tips are important to everyone, however, like page linking/site structure (for websites), and having https set up. 

Part 6 covers link building, in 10 minutes. Remember, if you are going to put effort into getting links, do it for your website & not your Etsy shop or other marketplace page. If you are creating traffic, make sure you own it. 

Don’t forget looking beyond Google for your search engine traffic; this podcast [with written transcript] breaks down an approach to several of the biggest ones beyond Google. Spoiler: they only recommend worrying about the biggest, Bing, if you have around 1000 unique search visitors to your website per day. 

How to get keyword ideas from the Google search results: there’s a lot more available now, beyond the search bar suggestions. 

Google is asking local businesses if they would pay for their Google My Business listings. This possibility raises concerns about the impact on organic rankings. 

More SEO tips for Amazon, including discussion of the various factors involved.

If pages on your website aren’t indexed by Google, there are some steps you can take to fix them. (For websites only, not Etsy shops)

Advanced/semi-advanced content: Great tips on using bookmarklets in Chrome to get SEO things done quickly. (A lot of these involve tools that work best in the paid version, so I suspect most of us will not have much use for this, yet.)

Possible Google algorithm update last week. (I am seeing changes)

CONTENT MARKETING & SOCIAL MEDIA (includes blogging & emails) 

Looking for new hashtags for your social media accounts? Try: https://www.tagshitter.com  (apologies for the name; that’s what they call it. It’s good, too! Just like its regular keyword research partner, http://keywordshitter.com/ ) 

Email subject lines [infographic] are crucial to top interaction with your newsletter etc. Includes Dos & Don’ts, plus the shockingly low open rates in most industries. 

Selling through social media directly is a great way to avoid people losing interest as they keep clicking. Note that this seems to work best with items under $50, though, which they suggest solutions to in the next part of the article.  

Despite all the scandals and negative media coverage, US social media use hasn’t really changed in the past few years. “A 2018 Center survey found that some Facebook users had recently taken steps to moderate their use of the site – such as deleting the Facebook app from their phone or taking a break from the platform for some time. But despite these findings and amid some high profile controversies, Facebook users as a whole are just as active on the site today as they were a year ago.”

Facebook scandal watch:  FB’s “stock price jumped after it said it expects to incur a fine of up to $5 billion from the Federal Trade Commission. And that’s all you really need to know about whether the historically large penalty matters to the company.”

Also:

they admitted to asking for your email password then importing all of your contacts. “...Facebook disclosed to Business Insider that 1.5 million people's contacts were collected this way and fed into Facebook's systems, where they were used to improve Facebook's ad targeting, build Facebook's web of social connections, and recommend friends to add.”

The Canadian Privacy Commissioner is taking FB to court over breaches of Canadian privacy law. 

But hey, it’s all fine, because they beat earnings expectations in the first quarter. 

70% of YouTube videos watched are recommended by its algorithm. “ The recommendations are fueled by the artificial-intelligence arm, Google Brain, of YouTube’s parent company. The machine-learning models help identify videos that aren’t exactly what you just watched, but similar enough that you might like them.“

Does directing people to the link in your Instagram bio really work? Testing says that it probably doesn’t work for most accounts, and more importantly, that Instagram may be limiting the algorithm visibility of posts that direct visitors to the link in your bio. 

Twitter has now limited the number of accounts you can follow in 1 day, to 400 down from 1000; this is intended to cut back on spammers. 

US Twitter users are better educated & better off than the average American.(Good article for target market considerations)

ONLINE ADVERTISING (SEARCH ENGINES, SOCIAL MEDIA, & OTHERS) 

Amazon is reducing/removing the ads for its own products, possibly due to increased complaints of unfair competition. “Amazon is now the third-largest digital advertising platform, behind Google and Facebook”, and could grow 50% this year alone, based on projections. 

Facebook retargeting tips. And everything you need to know about the Facebook pixel for tracking your ad performance. 

STATS, DATA, OTHER TRACKING 

Some Google Analytics tips for websites - almost beginner level! 

The Google Search Console delays are nearly all fixed. 

Stats programs all give you different numbers, and that isn’t likely to improve. (This piece is semi-advanced; don’t bother with it if you aren’t a stats geek.)

ECOMMERCE NEWS, IDEAS, TRENDS 

eBay’s Spring Marketplace Updates include several back end changes and a fee increase for sellers who run afoul of eBay’s seller performance standards. 

Amazon sellers can buy so-called “black hat” services to beat its algorithms. These include tips from Amazon employees who are making money by reporting on Amazon’s inner workings. Amazon “also said it takes action against sellers who pay for internal information; penalties include terminating their selling accounts, deleting reviews, withholding funds, and taking legal action.” No doubt the company already has closed some of the loopholes discussed in the article.

Amazon also fires warehouse workers by algorithm, based on productivity. 

GoDaddy launches an ecommerce sharing tool that lets you list across multiple websites including your standalone. Current marketplace options include Etsy, Amazon, eBay, Jet & Walmart. They bought Sellbrite as part of this move. Quite a few different entities are releasing this type of service, so shop around if it is something you are interested in. 

eBay released their 1st quarter 2019 results on April 23. Total sales were down 4% from 2018 (they were close to even when currency fluctuations were accounted for), but eBay’s own income from seller fees was up. “eBay reduced their marketing by a significant amount where their cash was being used to effectively subsidise the sales of high value items. Put simply, eBay have been buying sales and now they’ve stopped and this has seen a reduction in high ticket items being sold in comparison to sales of lower value items.” Easter being later this year may have slowed ecommerce growth overall in the quarter. 

...but Amazon reported record revenue, up 16.9% over 2018. Despite that, analysts note that growth is slowing, & that Amazon’s own projections for the second quarter are lower than many predicted. “Amazon’s CFO Brian Olsavsky said during the call with analysts that part of the lower guidance is due to an $800 million investment in making free one-day delivery shipping the default for Prime members.” - if you thought buyers wanted stuff yesterday already, wait til this becomes the norm ... I mean, Walmart & Target stocks fell after the announcement. Walmart is already hinting at offering the same. 

You can return your Amazon purchases at Kohl’s in the US, starting everywhere in July. Ease of returns is going to be a bigger battleground in the next few years, as retailers continue to increase free & speedy shipping options. 

BUSINESS & CONSUMER STUDIES, STATS & REPORTS; SOCIOLOGY & PSYCHOLOGY, CUSTOMER SERVICE

Generation Z will be making 40% of US retail purchases by next year; they are going to change a lot about selling. “ Fair trade products, ethical business practices, and a strong mission statement have never been more essential. Vend reports, “Research has shown that this particular generation cares about various environmental issues (76% are concerned about humanity’s impact on the planet) as well as social causes such as racial, gender, and income inequality.” [Gen Z come after millennials, and are currently more numerous than millennials or boomers.] 

Millennials & Gen Z are big gift card buyers in the US - over 1/3 buy a card every 3 months. 

Brick & mortar stores & malls are using your phone location data (location analytics) to make marketing and product decisions. “Every company interviewed for this story said it chooses not to use information that could identify individuals. But for the most part they’re on an honor system because rules governing data remain relatively lax.” This surprised me: “To glean details, including an individual’s age, income, ethnicity, education level, number of children and more, firms connect the phone’s evening location with U.S. Census data”

MISCELLANEOUS 

US copyright law: the USSC rules that your copyright registration must be finished/approved before you can sue an infringer in federal court.  

If you hate Gmail’s current layout, you will love this Chrome extension. 

And if you use Google Sheets fairly often, you will likely learn something useful from these tips. 

Google’s parent company, Alphabet, missed industry revenue expectations in the first quarter of 2019. 

[byblacks]

By: El Jones

Abdoul Abdi’s sister Fatuma once told me that the reason she and Abdoul do not speak Somali is because when they would speak to each other in their language, the workers would put them on time out and isolate them in their rooms, accusing them of plotting together to escape.

It was like being in solitary confinement, Fatuma told me.

For the last few days, the news is filled almost hourly it seems, with new outrages to migrant children emerging from the U.S-Mexico border. Last night, images of “tender age facilities” filled the news, with reports of crying toddlers traumatized by separation from their families.

Caving to the bad publicity from these shocking images, Trump signed an executive order claiming to end the family separation policy - while allowing for families to be detained indefinitely. The Canadian government, however, appears to feel no shame as they argue for the deportation of Abdi.

“How Canada Welcomes Refugees” says a meme circulating on social media, showing border guards hugging children, juxtaposed with images of children in cages in the U.S. In Canada’s habitual self-congratulation about what a kinder, more compassionate nation we are. There is no space for images of Fatuma and Abdoul as children, isolated in rooms by child welfare workers. Their tears are an inconvenience to a national narrative that insists, always insists, that “it’s not like that here.”

READ: Canada aims to avoid detaining migrant children, but it happens

On Tuesday there was a federal hearing challenging the referral of Abdoul Abdi to a deportation hearing — a hearing that can only end in one result, the decision to deport him to Somalia. Abdoul Abdi’s lawyer Benjamin Perryman argues that this deportation is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and contrary to international law binding Canada to provide special protections to non-citizen youth in care.

Amid the global outrage of the U.S’s violation of the rights of migrant children, lawyers for the Canadian government argued that Abdoul’s human rights, and that more broadly the rights of children, are not relevant and should not be heard. As Perryman pointed out, not one sentence of the submissions for the Minister mention charter rights, or indicate that they were even considered. I keep returning to this: our government argues that the rights of children are so irrelevant that they should not even be spoken about.

Just getting to a hearing where arguments about the rights of refugee children and youth in care can be heard in court in front of a judge is a landmark. Benjamin Perryman along with intervenors Nasha Nijhawan for the Canadian Civil Liberties Association and Jane Stewart for Justice for Children and Youth are confronting injustices that remain largely hidden in Canada, and that the government has fought every step of the way to avoid considering. In a country where migrants can be indefinitely detained, where deaths of migrants in custody go unremarked and without inquiry, and where we pay human traffickers to deport people to countries too dangerous for officials to enter, perhaps it is no surprise that our government would prefer there to be no hearing at all.

The most bizarre part of yesterday’s argument was the lawyer for the minister opening her arguments by telling us that “the theme for today’s arguments is the letter P.” P is for privilege — citizenship is a right not a privilege. It is for public safety. It is also for policy and parliament, and people, because after all everyone in the system are just people doing their best.

Imagine arguing the rights of children are irrelevant as you try to deport to a danger zone a former child refugee denied his rights by the state, and using a Sesame Street format to make your points. A children’s show.

But P is also for Perryman, who opened his arguments by clearly naming anti-Black racism. “This is what anti-Black racism looks like in this country,” he emphasized.

One major way anti-Black racism is maintained in Canada is by simply ignoring the presence of Black people. If there are no Black people here, then it follows that anti-Black racism cannot exist in Canada.

As Robyn Maynard traces in her book Policing Black Lives:

"Ironically, whites-only migration policies were also seen as ways to avoid the racism found south of the border. A major justification for the functional ban on Black migration in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries was to avoid the “Negro problem” that existed in the United States. Racism, this suggests, was represented as an American problem that was foreign to Canada. In a similar vein, a historical analysis of media and public opinion at the time found that Canadians were staunchly opposed to Black migration, yet refused to think this racist. It was believed, in fact, that racism could be avoided to the extent that Black people were kept out of the country entirely."

Canada’s aversion to keeping race-based statistics similarly functions to maintain the fiction of race not being a problem in Canada. In yesterday’s hearing, lawyers for the government rejected research from the social sciences demonstrating that children in care are more vulnerable, that they are highly likely to face “crossover” into the criminal justice system, that they are marginalized in educational attainment and employment, that they face instability, and that the trauma they experience as children and in the system has life long effects. These effects, research shows, are compounded for migrant children and for racialized children. These studies were rejected by the Minister’s lawyers, in part, because they are not “statistics” and are therefore not “facts.” Racism and marginalization, in their argument, do not exist, and even if they did exist, are not relevant, and either way, we shouldn’t talk about it.

And if you dismiss any evidence of discrimination, then you can also claim that it is not possible to know about discrimination even if it is happening. There is a deep hypocrisy at work here. On the one hand, the system appeals to authority. Child welfare workers are the experts on what is best for Black families. Canadian Border Services officials are the authorities on who should be deported. These systems should not be questioned, and certainly not accused of bias. To even hold the hearing is “unfair.”

At the same time, there are simultaneous claims to innocence. How could the adults at Department of Community Services know how to obtain citizenship? The delegate for the minister isn’t a lawyer or a judge, how can they be expected to understand Charter rights or apply them?

Keep in mind that while the minister’s delegate cannot possibly be expected to comprehend human rights in Canada (but yet is qualified to make decisions), Abdoul is “culpable” as a child for not understanding citizenship law and not actively seeking a citizenship lawyer as a minor child in care and advocating for his own citizenship — despite minors being unable until last year to apply for citizenship on their own behalf.

The only person guilty in this scheme is the Black child.

Keep in mind as well that the lawyers for the minister rejected all the social science research showing the effects of childhood trauma of children in care. I say keep this in mind because the government went on to argue that Abdoul’s lack of memory or knowledge about his family isn’t a sign of trauma, but rather evidence of him willfully lying to agents. When Abdoul didn’t even have a lawyer, he submitted that his mother was dead and that his father was missing and he didn’t know where he was. Later, he told agents that both of his parents were murdered.

Perhaps a child who spent the first six years of his life in refugee camps, who fled to Canada at age 6, and grew up in care separated from his family might understandably not know about or remember what happened to his parents. If the lawyers had read the research, maybe they would know that trauma affects the memory. But instead, they again blamed the refugee for not knowing, all while arguing that adults not knowing crucial parts of their job such as the charter of rights or the need to obtain citizenship for refugee children is insignificant.

In the hearing, we also learned that prohibited youth records were obtained and used by CBSA in reaching their first referral decision. These records are protected under the Youth Criminal Justice Act, and it is illegal to access them, never mind to reproduce and use them in the decision about his admissibility to Canada. Even when the first referral decision was overturned, they continued to use the youth records unredacted. It was only when Perryman complained that the records were even redacted. Perryman pointed out that redacted passages from the prohibited records are still being used in the government’s submissions and were repeated unredacted in other places.

The minister’s delegate also questioned Abdoul’s closeness to his family, and whether or not he has a relationship with his daughter. I am reminded of how, during enslavement, when Black families were separated it was imagined that Black parents felt no more pain than “pups being taken from a bitch.”

While denying the existence of anti-Black racism during the hearing, it was the Black refugee child who was imagined as somehow oppressing all these powerful systems. He was the one being “unfair”: how terrible of Abdoul to suggest that he was mistreated in the child welfare system, or that the immigration system reveals anti-Black bias. Truly, these are the real victims in this case.

This article originally appeared in The Halifax Examiner.

[jorjathomas]

What is Feminism? (understanding my content)

I'm now beginning to finalise the specific content that I’d like to add into the final outcome but prior to this, I thought it would be informative to research some generic feminism alongside my own knowledge. This is so I can make the most use for a learning platform from the book. As I was looking through trends on LSN, I found a article regarding what feminism would look like in the future so it would be helpful to understand what I could add for the zine to fit this prediction. This article was posted in 2018 so it was intriguing to see if there has been any changes in society since this was written.

This article was very beneficial in the way I would like to portray the feminist environment. This topic is very well known but from my survey results, not many people can grasp the true meaning behind it. To me, it seems rather hard to understand based off its perceptions. People assume its about being confident, powerful, growing out all body hair, wearing whatever you want and although this is true, all women are trying to project is the injustice against women and gender inequality within life. I want to describe this in the zine and describe some internalized misogyny that we may pick up on in life. Starting small and easing into the topic is the best way for the readers to feel comfortable and less pressured as this subject leads to activism often. The article states that: ‘According to Mintel, just 29% of UK women describe themselves as feminists. Almost half of all women agree that it’s too difficult to understand what being a feminist means.’ This is similar to my survey results as over 59% said they don't know enough information. I want to inform the reader that there isn't any specific term for the subject its more personal development and identify in the world. Do you want to be treated the same as men? Have you found certain situations more frequent with females then males? I believe the true identification if finding these engrossed events that have been normalised within your life and finding your own self through these injustices. Some people are more vocal about it than others however, I aim to lift peoples awareness and boost their feminist views. Since this article, there is a new platform surrounding the female society and I believe it is growing for the better. White feminists have pathed the way for years and have created a good platform however, as racial inequality is more common to talk about nowadays, its time to prioritize the feminists of colour just as much. I'm trying to find research and influencers who aren't predominantly white so I am able to widen my research and the understand gender and social inequality from a different angle. In my zine I will include current feminists I have found and will produce a ‘feminist of of the month’ which highlights this particular persons achievements and social platform so the readers are able to look up people who I think needs recgonition.

Current feminist influencers I am interesting in including in my zine:

Nimco Ali

Nimco Ali (OBE) is a British social activist who main goal is to end female genital mutilation (FGM) by 2030. She is the co-founder of a non-profitable organisation, ‘Daughters of Eve’ that helps pursue this goal. Despite being a FGM survivor, in her Gentle women interview, (2019) she says ’My editor wanted a book about FGM, but that was just something that happened to me – it doesn’t define me as a woman. I wanted to write about the things that connect women.’ when asked about her book, ‘What were told not to talk about’. She is also looking at creating a book for schools to implement onto children. This would be pivotal moment in activism as I believe the school system in the UK isn't projective the right messages into children and how to behave in society.

Adwoa Aboah

Adwoa is a British fashion model and mental-health activist. She is most common known for many Vogue interviews all around the world. To me, she differs from the standard perceptions of modelling. She uses her platform within  fashion brands to speak her views and challenge the modelling industry. Her Instagram his heavy with activist articles and events instead of idealistic standards of looking like most models portray onto teens. She recently did a interview with Vogue where she discussed her new self-reflection journal, ‘Reflections (feelings is what makes life so beautiful)’ She mentioned that ‘For one month, 100 per cent of the profits will be donated to Gurls Talk, a community-led non-profit organisation established by Aboah in 2016 to support and promote the mental health and well-being of gxrls, young womxn and non-binary people, and those exploring their gender.’ Her book is made in three colours which hold content like’ quotes from Serena Williams, Sinéad Burke, Dr. Ciara Dockery, Jorja Smith and Janaya Future Khan, along with prompts that stimulate self-care and checking in on others including: “What’s the one song that always lights up you?” and “Write a letter to your younger self. What did you need to hear then?” Adwoa is really inspiring to me and I am definitely looking to create my book in a similar way.

Amika George

Amika is the youngest feminist I've looked at so far. She is a another British activist whos common goal is to end period poverty in the UK. When she was 17, whilst still in secondary school, she started a petition regarding the poverty around females menstrual time at school. The petition got over 200′000 signatures which sparked protests over the UK for the government in Westminster to provide free sanitary products for school children. She called this the #Free period campaign (2017). In her Vogue interview she states ‘To think that we bleed because of a bodily function we have no control over and have that as an additional obstacle is so unfair! No girl should be missing school because she can’t afford to have a period. No girl should be faced the indignity and constant stress of knowing she’s bled over her uniform in front of her class because she can only afford one tampon or pad, or worse still, no tampon or pad.‘ I love the fact that she did all this while still being in school, it helps girls relate to her on a personal level.

Florence Given 

Florence is a illustrator artist and a social activist influencer. Her main achievement would be her book ‘Women don't owe you pretty’ which talks ‘about challenging the out-dated narratives supplied to us by the patriarchy.’ Just in six months of releasing, she received over 100′000 copies bought by the public. She states that “We’re told that if we shave our legs, put on more make-up, curl our hair and do all this stuff, we’ll receive the illusion of basic human respect. But the respect we’re met with as women when we perform these standards is usually objectification, and that also increases our chances of sexual assault and sexual harassment on the street. It’s a double-edged sword.” Her overall message is to educate women on the patriarchy and allow themselves to discover themselves stripped away from the social standards of a female with the help of reding her book.

Natalie Lee

Natalie is a British blog, fashion writer and activist. She is well known for her website ‘Style me Sunday’ which involves her personal journal and advice for women as well as fashion styling advice. Her message is  ‘to inspire mums to celebrate their uniqueness, share their struggles and experiences, and to show that there’s no such thing as perfect and anyway perfect is boring. We love curves, wrinkles, realness, anything that doesn’t pretend to fit into a cookie cutter mould. You’ll never see any photoshopping here.’ I found her Instagram very inspiring as she highlights areas which aren't seen as ‘pretty’ breaking the norms of social media and the addition of having to look perfect online.

Angel Arutura

Angel Arutura is a social activist, anti-racist educator and environmentalist from Belfast, Ireland. She uses her blog and social media platform to allow people to relearn certain situations which may not be in the main stream media. Her platform is full of tips and events that have shifted the world. She says in her Irish times interview that ‘Black Lives Matter and environmentalism are “incredibly interlinked,” she says, “because people that are least contributing to the climate crisis are suffering most from it.”

To conclude this research has helped me define what sort of information I’d like to include regarding feminism in society. The last three influencers I chose in this post are similar to my intentions when making the zine as they all seem to write around personal event that could help others relate. The first three females are very powerful to me equally as the last three and I am interested in including them in my zine regarding this subject of empowering young women. Looking for the positivity in the media like these women has uplifted me and encouraged me to believe in this zine and feminism as a whole.

[arcticdementor]

On a sunny day in early 2017, Sundar Pichai, Alphabet Inc.’s chief executive officer, returned to his alma mater, the Indian Institute of Technology Kharagpur, in West Bengal, to speak before 3,500 students. Welcomed as the “rock star” leader of the “world’s most innovative company,” he reminisced about skipping classes and meeting his college girlfriend—now his wife. He also pitched Google to the soon-to-be-graduates in attendance. How many wanted to work there, the interviewer asked. Hundreds of hands went up. “Wow, maybe we should open a campus in Kharagpur,” Pichai joked.

As far as feeder schools go, it doesn’t get much better for Google than the network of 23 ultracompetitive, government-funded IITs. Every year hundreds of their graduates join the world’s biggest tech companies. In 2003, when the school system celebrated its 50th anniversary, Bill Gates delivered a keynote speech praising grads who’d come to work at Microsoft Corp. over the years, noting that the company had, in turn, invested more money in the IITs than in any other institution outside the U.S. and the U.K.

For all the IITs’ proficiency at training and placing students, though, the coders, programmers, product developers, and engineers fanning out to global tech bring with them the troubled legacy of India’s caste system. On campus, students are surrounded by—and in some cases participate in—a culture of discrimination, bullying, and segregation that targets fellow pupils from India’s Scheduled Castes, also known as Dalits. The IITs officially discourage such harassment, but the prejudice against these students remains quite open.

…

Dalit IIT graduates who’ve managed to land jobs in the U.S. say that such attitudes can be found there, too. Last year a Dalit graduate of IIT Bombay filed suit in the U.S. against Cisco Systems Inc. and two of his fellow alums, saying he’d experienced caste-based discrimination at their hands while the three of them were employed at the company. The accompanying publicity prompted a wave of complaints about caste discrimination in American tech—allegations that seemed to blindside the industry.

…

Despite this, coded and overt forms of discrimination against Dalits persist, with the education system serving as a primary vector. At secondary school in Rajasthan, Mahesh Kumar recalls, he and his father swept the classrooms as a condition of Kumar’s scholarship; they were expected not to make contact with the teachers’ belongings so as not to taint them. When Kumar gained admission to IIT (BHU) Varanasi in 2013, he tried to obscure his caste status by dropping his last name, but it didn’t help. At the beginning of an IIT school year, senior students often orchestrate a hazing ritual known as kholna, calling on first-year students to give their name, their hometown, and the rank they achieved on the entrance exam. If a surname isn’t a giveaway, an unusual rank on the entrance exam will be.

…

Dalits in the IIT system often have a rougher path to employment. After his first few semesters in Varanasi, Kumar fell into a deep depression and took time off from school. Overwhelmed by debt, he considered bidding for a sewer-cleaning contract that paid 4,000 rupees ($55) a month. The social hierarchy that considers Dalits “impure” consigns them to poorly paid, “unclean” jobs such as scavenging, cleaning sewers, and disposing of dead animals. Kumar even considered selling a kidney.

Then came a stroke of good fortune. A local paper reported that an IIT student was considering sewer cleaning and organ donation, prompting an outpouring of donations. Kumar returned to Varanasi and graduated in 2019. He now works as an assistant manager with a government-owned mining company in the eastern city of Durgapur.

There’s no reliable data on IIT student placement rates or professional salaries, but anecdotal evidence suggests the grind is worth it for many. In December, when students traditionally begin receiving job offers, news outlets relay how quickly they’re coming in, and schools boast of how many graduates will make 10 million rupees or more.

In a 2017 paper, French researchers Odile Henry and Mathieu Ferry found that not all IIT graduates are greeted by such an enthusiastic job market. Lower-caste students were barely half as likely to get jobs as general-pool students with similar majors and academic performance; they were also paid less. The researchers attributed the difference primarily to a divide between Dalit and non-Dalit students in soft skills and social capital. In the lucrative private sector, recruiters look beyond grades for candidates who demonstrate curiosity, leadership, poise, or a competitive spirit—qualities that might show up in, say, extracurricular activities, a glowing recommendation from a teacher, or simply a student’s confidence in an interview.

…

Last year, allegations of caste bias got a public airing some 8,300 miles away from the IIT campuses. On behalf of the Indian Cisco Systems employee who alleged he’d been discriminated against based on his caste, California’s Department of Fair Employment and Housing brought a suit in San Jose against the company and two other Indian employees. All three were graduates of IIT Bombay.

American law protects workers from disparate treatment based on a handful of characteristics, including race, sex, religion, and disability status. This was the first time, though, that anyone had argued those protections should extend to Dalits. The complaint said that the unnamed employee had faced discrimination by two upper-caste managers since 2015 and that he’d reported one to human resources for outing him as a Dalit and informing colleagues he’d enrolled in the IIT through affirmative action. The employee said the discrimination had continued under the second manager.

Cisco denied the charges. “We have zero tolerance for discrimination and take all complaints of unfair treatment very seriously,” a spokesperson says. “In this case, we thoroughly and fully investigated the employee’s concerns and found that he was treated fairly, highly compensated, and afforded opportunities to work on coveted projects.” In its response to the suit, Cisco made an additional argument: Because caste isn’t a protected category under U.S. civil rights laws, the allegations are immaterial and should be stricken. The court recently denied Cisco’s petition to move the case to arbitration, and the company has filed an appeal.

Advocacy groups in the U.S. have weighed in on both sides. The Hindu American Foundation filed a declaration in support of Cisco, saying that though it vehemently opposes “all forms of prejudice and discrimination,” the state’s case “blatantly violates the rights of Hindu Americans.” Meanwhile, the Ambedkar International Center, a Dalit advocacy group, filed a brief in support of the state, encouraging the court to acknowledge caste discrimination and set a precedent prohibiting it. “American civil rights law has little experience with the Indian caste system, but it is very familiar with the idea of caste: the notion that some people are born to low stations in life in which they are forced to remain,” the motion reads.

The case inspired a flood of tech workers to tell their own stories. A U.S.-based Dalit advocacy group, Equality Labs, told the Washington Post in October that more than 250 tech workers had come forward in the wake of the Cisco suit to report incidents of caste-based harassment. Thirty Dalit engineers, all women, also shared a joint statement with the Post that said they’d experienced caste bias in the U.S. tech sector.

…

It would be naive for U.S. companies to assume that Indian hires leave their prejudices on the subcontinent, says Sarit K. Das, a professor of mechanical engineering at IIT Madras who until February was director of IIT Ropar. “Graduates carry this to Amazon or Google or wherever, and the feeling toward the other person is that you didn’t make it like me, you are inferior,” he says.

Ram Kumar, a Dalit alum of IIT Delhi, has worked in the tech industry for more than two decades, with stints at Cisco, Dell, and other companies. When he arrived in Silicon Valley in the early 2000s, he found “another mini-India arranged by clusters of Indian hierarchy,” he says. Whereas dominant-caste Indians might see expat communities as sources of professional networking and support, Kumar avoids them. “People will try to segregate you once they find out your caste,” he says. As a matter of self-preservation, “I’ve avoided good opportunities when I see that the CEO or CTO is Indian.”