#not because of abuse or anything I just kinda have a terrible relationship to myself and it manifests in regularly being concerned that—

[lady-tortilla-chip]

.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[lvjyronline]

I don't know if you meant to send this on anon or not, but it wasn't on anon - So I figured I would go ahead and screen shot it instead of posting it with a link to your blog!

Anyway -

I don't necesarily think you're spouting bull, it could be an option that that's what happened, but I personally don't think that's exactly what happened. While mass hysteria is an occurance and could happen in a situation like this - Especially with big creators who can say anything - I don't think that's the case here.

I think that some of these things have been taken out of context - For example, the Billzo situation, to my knowledge, came partly from a point where Bill had handcuffed Wilbur and was joking(?) about throwing out the keys - Or something along those lines, getting the keys out of his reach etc, I'm not too clear on the exact details - Which ended up with Wilbur yelling at him - Which is a fair response to being told the keys to unlock the things that are binding you are going to be thrown from you.

I also think that things may have been taken out of context from their persepctives when Shelby came out with the alligations - Let me explain what I mean by that, because I know that statement alone is kind of confusing.

When a person says someone did something terrible to them, with or without proof, it may make the accused friends, or people who have been around them, look at what happened in the past and reconsider it. That's pretty normal - But I think with such big alligations of abuse it could skew the ideas or feelings that someone had about something.

Since these alligations are so heavy, it could've very well made them look at something that wasn't at all with malicious intent and make them believe that, because Shelby said he did all these things to her and he was doing them on purpose and to hurt her, that he was also doing similar things to them with the intent to hurt them, when in reality it wasn't like that at all.

It's less hysteria and more thoughts by proxy - If that phrasing makes sense. I think it's kind of similar to what you originally thought, but I wouldn't really describe that as hysteria?

I just think it's more of reconsidering things that happened to them with someone elses persepctive in mind and coming to a conclusion because she said it was abuse.

I have no idea if any of this is actually comprehensible, I'm gonna be honest - But I hope it is?? I hope I'm making sense?? I make sense in my own brain but that doesn't mean it makes sense to anyone else lol so I can try to explain better if need be.

What really sends the idea that it didn't happen to the curb is the fact that some people closer to Wilbur said they didn't see it happen - Hell, no one has actually confirmed they saw it happen.

Specifially noting how Jack Manifold literally said he never saw it happen, which brings up suspect considering during that road trip video (meat mountain) they were all together and that would line up with when Shelby and Wilbur were in a relationship - So assumibly the biting would have been going on then and he would've seen it.

I'm sorry this turned into a mini-essay-rant type thing- I didn't mean it to, I'm just trying to get out my thoughts. I know it's kinda long lol

But generally, I think that idea is probably a degree of what happened, I just wouldn't consider that mass hysteria. I know that peoples perceptions of experiances can be changed in specific contexts, and I do think that's what happened to a degree. I'm gonna go ahead and end this so I don't keep repeating myself, haha

Anyway, have a great day/night, and remember to stay safe out there right now, especially since ILGWIS just came out which means more people will be bickering.

(If you need me to explain any of this more/better just ask, I know sometimes when I ramble things off they only make sense to me, so I won't take any offence to my rambling not being fully understood.)

[dimonds456]

Also are you doing okay?

I think so. I've got a therapist, and supportive friends. I'm slowly becoming more and more financially stable. One of my disabilities is going away, one I thought would be with me for life! I've even got a top surgery letter now, and we're working on getting a consultation with a surgeon!

But I'm also realizing how fucked everything is. Sorry, I kinda vented to you, but it's below the cut so you don't have to read it. Just, overall, I think I'm doing okay. I know I'll be alright. But fuck man it's hard to believe it sometimes, lmao.

I'm just also coming to realize how fucked up my childhood actually was. How fucked up the whole world is. How one person can singlehandedly make your life hell, and that just deciding to get away from them isn't enough.

It's been hard. On a personal level, I've been dealing with borderline abuse for the better part of 3 years, since I finally moved into my own apartment; once online, and twice IRL now. It's been every form of abuse except physical and sexual, but even then, I still felt physically unsafe around one of my abusers. Like he could have hurt me if he stayed around much longer.

The most latest example of it was my ex roommate, who had to be moved out of our place because of his screaming at us, throwing things, extreme beliefs, and illegal things like stealing money. And he still lives in this building, too, just not with us anymore. The new people who have to deal with him now actually just contacted us to ask us how tf we got rid of him, aha.

But even aside from that, on a more broad level, I've come to realize my own learned helplessness (the clinical term), trauma, and am struggling to come to terms with how true a lot of that stuff is.

I am helpless when it comes to ending an overseas "war" that I don't really have any stakes in anyway, aside from a moral one. I don't have family in Gaza, I don't know anyone there, but that shouldn't matter, y'know? It's still terrible, and I still can't help anyone there. No matter how loud we scream, the politicians are doing everything they can to drag their feet and are trying to get Israel to end it as fast as possible so people will just shut up about it already. They know we know, too, and are just trying to save face and it pisses me off. But what can I do about it? Not a whole lot!

I'm helpless when it comes to getting my family's acceptance of my own identity, or the constant misgendering at work, or the sexual harassment I keep getting from customers. Like, just today, two different guys offered to get me a pop or something, and my first instinct WASN'T to be like "oh thank you!" Instead, I raised my hackles in a "why are you being nice to me" way. That's not normal. It's a learned behavior and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm helpless to help my friend, who lives in an actively abusive household here in the States. Not mine, but within a day's drive of here if I got up early. We've called CPS, the cops, I've compiled a HUGE Google Doc of all the evidence we could find, I'm in touch with their sibling, I've straight-up TALKED to their abusive father (which was terrifying holy shit), and still NOTHING has changed. I think we're just gonna have to wait until they're old enough to move out, which fucking sucks.

I'm helpless to even help myself a lot of the time. My abusive relationships in the past have killed a lot of my creativity, energy, and overall positivity. I don't know if I'll ever really get it back.

But I'm doing what I can. I'm standing up for what's right in any way I can, I'm keeping tabs on my friend, I'm educating myself and diving into history, I'm trying to point my parents in the right directions, I'm trying to help my sibling from a distance, anything I can. I just feel like it isn't enough, y'know?

On the whole, I'm doing alright. And I'll be okay. But those bad days be hitting, lol.

[lloydfrontera]

meh they made og!lloyd likeable and ksh!lloyd detestable in the webtoon and as if i would enjoy that when ksh!lloyd is the lloyd i like and the webtoon just keeps butchering him to a ugly face meme repetition. in the novel, og!lloyd keeps on complaining and blaming ksh!lloyd, the grim reaper scene removed og!lloyd's 'oh moment' of understanding that 'HE' was doesn't whi really didn't do anything but get angry at being in a tiny barony, that he decided to go to hell himself, after a year of seeing ksh!lloyd's action, also the novel keeps emphasizing ksh!lloyd's guilt at replacing og!lloyd which the webtoon just ignored all together, even removing when the demons get crushed and killed by the lava giant, which will later remove ksh!lloyd giving a monument to them which is another key character trait of ksh!lloyd, that he respects the dead, another thing that the webtoon removed ksh!lloyd's idea of using the centipede shells for railroad, also i wonder if webtoon!javier would still say they are at fault for being noisy to the lava giant when in the novel the lava giant killed thousands, nope just really tired of the direction the webtoon went on it was fun in the beginning but not anymore

YUP couldn't have put it better nonnie!

both ep 116 and 117 are guilty of this, but the latter really did make lloyd a lot more unlikable than he's supposed to be. and also that's kinda the problem with making og lloyd more sympathetic, more often than not you end up making everyone else look worse by comparison.

making him less of an asshole makes it look like everyone else was exaggerating by being afraid of him or despising him, but no!! they were totally justified with the way he acted! that's the point of his character!! he fucked up!! he fucked up so bad and so thoroughly he completely ruined every relationship he had and it took someone outright replacing him to repair the damage!! because he never would've done it himself! had he been left to his own devises he would've continued mistreating and abusing everyone around him and finally would've drank himself to death. it's no even speculation, that's literally what happened in the original novel!

lloyd knows this!! and he still feels guilty about replacing him! that's why he tried to help him! yes, part of it is because of his affection to arcos and marbella, but most of all comes from him feeling genuinely bad about taking his place! even tho he knows og lloyd would've died anyway!

it's,,, not good. when you make your protagonist more unlikable than he was in the original source. i cannot believe it has to be said at all but. that's not what an adaptation should do omg

also yes to your points about the lava giant! it wasn't just going to kill lloyd (something javier should've definitely be completely against anyway) but also it was completely decided to kill absolutely everyone. every single demon it came across. it wasn't just raising a reasonable complaint, it was on a killing rampage against people that had no real say on what was being done. javier would've never sympathized with that!

plus they completely changed that lloyd thought about abandoning the project in that area and going somewhere else to not disturb the giant and only started fighting and trying to run when he realized the lava giant wouldn't stop until it had killed everyone off. they just made him go straight into killing a creature that was trying to get rid of the noise he was creating. terrible choice i hated it lmao

for every good thing i have to say about the webcomic there's at least five bad things more i can talk about. but that's not fun for anyone so i keep most of them to myself. thank you for giving me a chance to let some of them out ashdksa

[utilitycaster]

What bothers me on principle about Syldor: the man is an ambassador. His ENTIRE JOB is to be a good representative of his people and foster mutually beneficial relationships. If it takes twenty years and his estranged children showing him up by saving the world for him to decide that maybe his society and he in particular could stand to be less of a classist/racist* prick, it's hard for me to feel especially impressed. (*On that note, it looks like the current guide did some strategic editing about mixed ancestry, but the way half-elves were originally described was that humans saw them as a blessing, but elves saw them as impure and as something lesser. The first edition specifically said "the elves of Syngorn have looked on them with contempt." Whether it's currently part of the lore or not, that...kinda set a certain tone about that whole family relationship. It wasn't a great tone.) As for the others: Howaardt suffers in my recollection because that plot was happening right when my own father died, so it's hazy and I frankly don’t want to backtrack to remind myself of the details beyond "Tary eloquently told him off for his failings and I'm glad he said what he did." I’m with you about Thoreau, though. That man’s the worst.

So just to stave off any further questions...to be honest I don't need to know why anyone on an individual level thinks this about Syldor, and I do get that a lot of people don't recall Tary's arc terribly well for a variety of reasons. Call me cynical but "fandom opinions tend towards the less nuanced, and it's very easy for one person's highly specific projection to spread around as The Correct Interpretation" tends to explain it on a broad scale.

That aside, this feels like it seriously misses the point. Taking only 15 years and two visits from his estranged children for him to apologize - even badly - and begin a slow about face against his entire culture, even when he knows it will never be enough to mend the relationship? Quite a lot of real people would, genuinely, do anything for their parents to do the same.

(I also think that Syngorn's xenophobia does need to be considered in the context of "the ambassador from Syngorn to the primarily human society on the continent was assassinated, kicking off a bitter three-decades long war, less than three centuries ago and very possibly in Syldor's living memory." It doesn't make it justified, but the tone-setting is actually like...fairly good world-building that puts this in context.)

It is also rather irritating that in a fandom that loves a redemption arc, someone who has, again, fucked up badly, but then made an honest to attempt to improve, is so frequently thrown in the same (or worse) bucket as a serial gaslighter rather than treated as "kind of an asshole." Which is, to be clear, what I'm arguing. I don't think he's a good person. He was bigoted and took the twins away out of a misplaced sense that they couldn't be happy in a small town with their human mother. I think the twins are justified in being mad at him still. I would not expect them to ever forgive him fully. My point is that there are shades of gray here that are entirely ignored. (This also happens to cross into a more serious issue I have with fandom frequently diminishing some pretty horrific emotional and psychological abuse such as Thoreau's, but that's also a whole different story.)

With all that said I covered Syldor in the original post primarily because I found it particularly hypocritical that in TLOVM, he was as awful as the fandom makes him out to be, and unhappiness with the story shifted to the twins and Percy acting in ways that were consistent with Syldor being worse and with their mental state re: everything else going on being very different than in canon.

I guess the underlying point is that I'm fairly vocal when I find the story isn't hanging together logically, and both C1 and TLOVM do hang together logically. That, again, doesn't obligate anyone to like it, but I do want to observe that it does, in fact, make a lot of sense if one considers the actual canon of how Syldor behaves in each work, and it specifically makes sense for Vex's arc and the changes made to it.

[chthonicgodling]

Why does Hades loathe Macaria so much? You would think that since Hades and Persephone are the ultimate couple and love each other very much he would love someone that came from that love and would be “the best of both of them? and that she looked like the person he loves most (Persephone) would be an added bonus. Was she even planned? Were they excited to become parents? From what you described of Hades as being a ruthless tyrant king it’s hard to believe he is capable of loving someone. How did he fall in love with Persephone? What attracted each of them to each other ? Or is it much closer to the Greek myth of the abduction of Persephone?

gasps…… okay okay. okay. tearing myself away (BRIEFLY) from clutching eLoki.,,,

..,,to redirect my spotlight to MACI AND FAMILY

seen here awwww cute. several years before disaster(s).

because— I wanna talk about Hades and Maci in depth, have I gotten thoroughly into this before here??? other than my quips and captions??? I dont THINK so, not all in one place?!!! So first, a note -

Elysium!Hades & Seph DO love each other very much; they’re a wonderful couple who are wholly devoted to each other, kind and compassionate to their respective needs, are inseparable (except for when they’re physically separated via ancient accordance rip) and are each other’s best friends!

…they also are terrible parents and should never have had children. JOIN ME ON A WALK THROUGH MACI’S CHILDHOOD, SUPER LONG AND IN DEPTH AND BEHIND THE CUT, a long overdue “reveal” conversation about the slow disintegration of Maci and Hades’ relationship long before the elysiumverse canon events “began” and so a very deep dive into part of Maci’s pre-canon backstory! I actually have a lot of this written out.. somewhere ;) in progress and some of this comes from that wip so!!! One day if you see repeats… shh

This is so, so, so, so long. buckle up

[cw for: every type of abuse basically, wrt of course Thanatos has to be mentioned in here - also a brief mention of Zeus’ assault on Seph when Meli was born. Proceed with general caution this whole thing is overall a tragic and upsetting MESS. ]

the very beginning of Hades and Seph getting together first of all, is pretty much in line with the original myth, though Elysium has always been a story about Maci and so I fully don’t know ~or care anymore~ about all the intricate ins and outs of their details (a lot has been retconned and replaced with…. Blank space lmao ,, It’s not relevant in any way Maci’s parents are such background characters to canon current Elysium soooo-)

here are the details that I know DO exist (and based on my personal staples of Hades/Persephone stories lmao)

….warning this is not a safe space for Demeter apologists

• -Hades and Seph first met each other by happenstance at a gathering on Olympus that Hades was required to attend, the two most sarcastic gods in the crowd of course ended up gravitating towards each other and exchanging some friendly cynical banter before Demeter noticed who her daughter was talking to and dragged her promptly away.

• -Hades was - to his mortification and distress - immediately in love with her. Seph, immediately aware of this and quite tickled by it, was ABSOLUTELY flirting and ABSOLUTELY into him too - but with no real expectation that anything would ever come of it??? Demeter kept her possessively and almost literally under lock and key so let’s be realistic here.

• -upon finding out the scoop about Seph (interrogating Hecate, an old Underworld friend who also had sporadic contact with Demeter enough to gossip💞) Hades was actually quite horrified that Demeter was - like I said - possessively almost literally keeping her under lock and key what the fuck someone should do something about that???? what the fuck????? he—

• …something something something idk whatever BUT the end result of all that outrage + selfish crushy feelings was that he very much DID still kidnap Seph to the Underworld and then just kinda. set her up with a whole room in the palace and gave her awkward space. The kidnapping thing being still canon in here is so crucial to me mainly bc I think it’s the funniest (initially awkwardly platonic) first date in the world

• -Seph was initially PISSED about all that specifically but. got over it fast and fell in love with him lmao something something something etc love story deets whatever whatever. meanwhile Demeter went absolutely ballistic in the mortal world; pomegranate seeds were *DELIBERATELY* ingested; Demeter continued to hold all of earth hostage, Zeus intervened to stop the mass frozen famine but Seph had eaten the food of the dead and couldn’t fully leave so HA — Demeter and Zeus bullied Seph and Hades into signing what the elysiumverse calls The Pomegranate Agreement, dictating Seph’s seasonal location a la mythology, forevermore.

like I said - ultimately - whatever whatever whatever none of that is really important to me anymore and I have no further details to provide. Important result is they’re together happily ever after and here we are. Onto Maci!

One hundred years after Seph and Hades had gotten together, Seph became fixated on the wild and crazy idea of having a baby and approached Hades about it… his response was basically - ugh what, why???

well, because she wanted one, why else? and also INDEED wouldn’t it be so lovely to create something from half of each of them?? wouldn’t it????? please please please please please?????? 🥺🥺🥺 Ultimately, as spring approached, Seph settled with “just take the season to think about it and🥺don’t just say yes because you want me to be happy, I want you to want them too🥺but… please please please🥺”

by the time she returned that autumn, of COURSE Hades said yes and OF COURSE he literally did only say it to appease her. Was Seph aware of this??? Y…yeah probably but mission accomplished it would be fine! HER parent was terrible and HIS parents were terrible so they knew exactly what NOT to do so parenting would be easy, and even with Hades’ clear reluctance “once the baby is here you’ll come around,” she said and. ooooookay fine…. Fineeeeeeee so baby Maci was conceived that very late winter.

(Seph’s pregnancy was mostly spent in the upper world, which was. horrible, and naturally Demeter was BIG MAD and DISGUSTED when she caught on)

Maci, as we know, was born the spitting image of Seph, and all the colors of the Elysian Fields, though with the quirky ability to burst into flame like Tartarus. Hades WAS quite enamored with his daughter when she was tiny. A temporary clause had been added to the Pomegranate Agreement at Hades’ demand, permitting Seph to remain full time in the Underworld with Maci for the first five years of Maci’s life - and then Maci would travel with Seph seasonally ever more.

And those first five years were great! The entire Underworld was obsessed with its first ever heiress and little Princess, and Maci was an absolutely adorable Velcro baby who by the age of five was a hyperactive and bubbly toddler quite accustomed to having everything she ever wanted, and having everyone wrapped around her finger at all time. Including Hades, who - though never AFFECTIONATE or openly emotional it’s just not the way he is - doted upon her in HIS way, showering her with gifts and to the kingdom’s shock PERMITTING her to climb around his throne and follow him all around anywhere he went. as a teeny child he was Maci’s hero 🥺🥺

When Maci was five, Demeter was quick to remind them that the agreement’s clause had ended and so Seph and Maci traveled for the first time together to the upper world, and for the next five years of Maci’s life she was subjected to a MUCH different vibe for half of the year. For six months in the upper world - She was miserable without her dad, missed her home kingdom, and also Demeter and her army of stuck up nymphs were OBNOXIOUS to her, trying constantly to get her to revoke the Underworld and her father lmao aughhhh???

But Maci reacted to this by starting a WAR in return - for six months of the year from ages 5 to 10, Maci, naturally short tempered anyway, smugly picked as many fights as she could, set everything on fire, and generally fought viciously with her obnoxious grandmother both behind Seph’s back and to her face

Meanwhile, the other half of every year was spent back HOME as a happy family, all moods improved with her parents reunited together, in luxury within her familiar palace and kingdom of adoring worshippers. Maci met kiddo!Hypnos & Thanatos when she was 6 and they were 11, and she also spent her time following them dutifully around!

So By the time Maci was 10, Seph petitioned Demeter to allow Maci to choose where SHE would rather spend her time - aaaand by the time Maci was 10, Demeter had utterly given up on ever getting to take her to Olympus and was SO eager to be rid of the little brat. she was beyond relieved when Maci obviously and emphatically decided to stay in the Underworld full time. Her friends were there, her palace was there, and everything was always perfect when she was together with both her parents in the fall-winter, so the choice was obvious.

THIS was the beginning of the end.

Please remember that through Maci’s entire life at this point, she had never gotten to meet the version of Hades that existed when Seph WASN’T there. Hades…. Hm. Okay I was perhaps being harsh when I’d called him a tyrant earlier lmao but.,, you see like.,,

Hades is not… nice. He’s temperamental and quick to anger, where do we think Maci got it from hello. He’s somber and moody and usually scowling-quiet and grim and has no sense of humor and very little patience or tolerance for nonsense. It’s Seph only, somehow, who awakened a lighter side of him, an actual SMILE in him, actual LOVE in him. It’s Seph only that that side comes out around. And with Maci….

Maci by the age of 10 was LOUD and HYPER and NEEDY and BUBBLY and yes just an innocent child who didn’t deserve anything I’m about to write about :( but was tolerable to Hades really with Seph’s consistent laidback patient demeanor there, as she balanced out Maci’s high maintenance hyperactivity. SURE Hades was fond of the parts of Maci that reminded him of his wife but - the older Maci got, the less like Seph she became. Without Seph there as well, Hades would quickly - IMMEDIATELY - realize that he was not only ill equipped to handle Maci, but also utterly uninterested in learning, reverting instead to his standard springtime shutdown.

And so, obliviously, Seph kissed her daughter goodbye for the first spring Maci would spend in the Underworld and then drifted right off, leaving Maci eager and excited to spend six months bonding with her dad but instead!! INSTEAD!! Instead of embracing his daughter to cope with Seph’s absence alongside him together, Hades proceeded to utterly blindside Maci by just….. completely withdrawing. Emotionally - and physically - icing her out entirely.

Like a switch had flipped - Daily, and for six months, TEN YEAR OLD Maci suddenly found herself mostly alone within the halls of their palace, and her rare interactions with her father were newly short and cold.

This was all made worse by the whiplash when Seph came back and everything reverted back to NORMAL!???? Afraid of bursting the bubble that had suddenly returned to her, Maci didn’t say anything at all to her mom about how the year had been and lied that everything had been perfectly fine. Six months later Seph left again and Hades withdrew AGAIN - leaving Maci frustrated once more, but no longer as shell-shocked for round two— she soon became ANGRY.

Reeling from this abandonment oh my god she was just a CHILD Maci turned to her friends for support and….. at this point is when the SECOND circumstance leading to the overall collapse of it all came into play. Because this of course meant that in the absence of Hades’ attention, Maci was turning to her best friend Thanatos for comfort.

this is a story about Maci and Hades so I’m not gonna go too much into the Thanatos specific branches (I can but that’s a story for a different time 🤪). For the sake of this narrative, what is important to remember is that Thanatos had NEVER had her best interests at heart and, by year two, began to *actively* feed into her anxieties and distress about Hades ignoring her. Maci was so angry this time around at her dad that she began to act out around him, and very quickly realized that… oh interesting Hades suddenly noticed her real quick when she was MISBEHAVING. well that changed EVERYTHING. plus —

Thanatos enthusiastically encouraged her to continue picking fights with her father instead of just talking to him. He was trying now deliberately to drive a wedge between them so that he could isolate Maci for his own purposes. Butttt Maci was oblivious to this manipulation and followed his advice and her own instincts.

A good father would have taken this as a wake up call, Maci’s sudden moody rage and attitude and fits of destruction - or at least a good father would have sat her down to talk about what was bothering her, maybe gotten the opportunity to start over with her. But instead, Hades REAL FUCKIN MATURE responded to his preteen daughter goading him on by FALLING FOR THE BAIT and just raging back at her??!?!!?!?

because!!! Hades was temperamental to begin with and was growing more irritated with Maci's behavior... and uh, personality, and presence, day by day. By the time Maci was 11 years old SHE had wholly decided that the best and only way to interact with her father was by provoking him into yelling at her - Thanatos whispering in her ear the whole time that she was right and Hades hated her.

Back then at this point I don’t think Hades HATED her, I think he just…. Had no idea what to do with her!?? Was alarmed and put off by her???? Then made the terrible decision to not get to the bottom of it all, but instead was like “oh the little brat is picking fights WELL I’LL SHOW HER A FIGHT” this is a terrible way to “parent” I literally don’t think Hades ever considered that Maci was a CHILD when reflecting on her behavior

This WENT ON for YEARS and every time Seph came back the two of them - didn’t want to upset her and just, mutually and silently, agreed to pretend like nothing was wrong. though still Maci became a little louder, cockier, meaner, smugly knowing that Hades would never engage while his wife was home. Eventually each springtime as Maci grew into a Troubled Teen, she was making it a point to be as difficult as possible when interacting with her father while Hades just bickered back and things between them got worse and worse.

By the time she was 14, she could barely stand to be in the same room as Hades. the palace shared by just the two of them sat with uncomfortably tense silence, only ever broken by screaming arguments that ended in Hades throwing her out of the palace, or Maci storming out on her own, either way ending up back with Thanatos and Hypnos again. She’d slink back days later even moodier and repeat it all. This had all gotten so fucking bad that by the next year, when she was 15, the tension between them was too much to hide from Seph for the first ever time in the fall.

Seph uhhhhh. uhhhhhhhhhhh. well. F…. felt Maci’s outrageous attitude was blatant even to her, since in Seph’s eyes, Hades could do no wrong, despite clearly being in the wrong. HOWEVER she was still totally horrified to see this shattered relationship out of nowhere (“nowhere”). She pushed Hades to build Maci her Elysium palace (!!) as a peace offering and a 16th birthday present, which he.,, reluctantly did. But then Maci, wThanatos in her ear AGAIN, rejected it obnoxiously and furiously, - this was a last straw for Hades, spurring their worst and biggest fight to date by that point. Seph sOMEHOW MADE THE DECISION TO STAY NEUTRAL BETWEEN THEM - Maci, mentally, began to crack in the worst way. After like seven straight years of this there was something inside her beginning to claw in desperation with a frantic, anxious need to be loved, and seen by someone, anyone, rising in desperation. In the background of all this with Hades, Thanatos had been flaunting an endless string of girlfriends in her face which didn’t help anything either and Maci both felt like she was completely alone and TERRIFIED to BE alone??

all of this was the perfect storm for what happened next - much of this I think might be common knowledge here idk - in which Maci had a manic breakdown at the age of 17 that spurred her to insanely prostitute herself to literally anyone who’d have her in the Underworld, though instead first being swept straight into the arms of Thanatos, where well. I know we all know this part of the story. Now that Thanatos had successfully separated Maci from her family, his pretenses dropped, and the next four ish years or so consisted of their horrible terrible relationship - again the Thanatos branch is a whole different post, so back to Hades.

For four years, Hades did not bother to notice what was happening to Maci. oh she was quieter now and never around? good thank god 😒 Thanatos was not subtle about it - she was BLEEDING half the time for gods’ sake - Hades was so irritated by her presence by this time that he just. Didn’t pay it any mind. By this point Hades had started to actively dislike Maci, finding her obnoxious and abrasive and telling her so with no regards to the fact that he was the one who’d inadvertently shaped her to be this way. Thanatos once again smugly twisted the knife, pointing out to Maci how little Hades cared and how unlikely it was he would ever notice what was happening to her. There was no evidence to support the contrary so like yeah, clearly Hades didn’t give a shit! by this point though Thanatos was pretty spot on :(

in fact NEITHER of Maci’s parents fucking noticed anything was wrong with her personal life oh my god. The gravity of the nightmare Maci was living in sank in whenever she was alone with her thoughts, so she did everything she could to avoid ever being alone and distracted herself by seducing anyone across the Underworld, and soon she was spending all of her time in random beds or with Thanatos and was rarely at her home palace - and who the fuck knows if her parents even noticed that she was a touch more withdrawn, a touch angrier, a touch cagier or whether they had heard the rumors about her activities cause neither of them ever addressed her about it!!

eventually it all came to a head when Thanatos tried to very credibly actually kill Maci, the shock of which jarred her enough to (trigger an entire physical brawl between them, but while that was happening) send Hypnos for help, and with Seph arriving to witness this horrific scene first hand at long last she and Hades found out the crimes that Thanatos had committed against their own daughter.

Thanatos was brought to “court” made up of the King and Queen, Maci to tell her side of the story, Hypnos to tell his, and Nyx herself, Elder Primordial Titan Goddess of the Underworld and Thanatos/Hypnos’ mother. As Maci went through describing the past many years - her own activities through the underworld and her abuse at the hands of thanatos Seph was utterly horrified— and Hades though initially somehow SKEPTICAL, as this conference went on there was absolutely no denying the injuries that they could all see, nor the fact that Seph could vouch for what she had personally seen just that afternoon, and since by this point Thanatos had dropped his demeanor of charm there was quickly no denying that this was all the awful truth. Hades settled into anger over the general notion that anyone would betray the royal family in such a way, (less over Maci specifically being harmed, but his daughter was his property - yeesh ugh - no matter how grating he found her to be, so how dare he), bbbbbut his demeanor soon seemed more troubled in a different way the more this talk went on. Finally when it was over and all eyes turned to the King for his verdict, he unexpectedly sent everyone away except Maci, and the two of them had a final confrontation one on one.

Aaaaand here is where Hades solemnly explained to Maci that since Thanatos was a Death God, one of only two in eternity’s existence, there was nothing he could comfortably do to punish him, lest he risk the collapse of the functioning of the Underworld. At this point no one had any idea that removing Thanatos would generate a new death (Neo, 2,000 years in the future)!!

then!! as Maci listened in horror, unable to believe what she was hearing!! Hades turned on her.

demanding to know how could she choose to get involved with this situation, knowing Thanatos was essentially untouchable? What exactly did she expect him to do to fix this now? Hades turned vicious, falling back into their pattern of relationship - had she done this on purpose to make a scene and be the center of attention again, wasn’t that just oh so typical of her? And for that matter how dare she prostitute herself across the Underworld, making a fool out of the King? He spat that he had always assumed she could take care of herself, but now it was clear that she was not capable of it, and again, what did she possibly expect him to do now that she had ruined her own life, and allowed Thanatos to take advantage of her stupidity?

For once, Maci did not respond to Hades’ provocation with matching vitriol. Instead, sensing that his mind was not yet completely made up, with another piece of her shattering inside, she’d tried to plead to Hades' sensibilities as her father and not just the King, begging him not to do this to her. But the longer Hades went on without responding, the more Maci's temper began to boil, rising in sheer desperation even while tears welled in her eyes until finally she snapped at him that it was some move to send everyone away first, lest Persephone find out what a heartless fucking monster he was - and ohhhhh the second the words were out of her mouth, Hades' gaze turned ice cold and Maci immediately knew he WAS petty enough for her to have sealed her own fate. He reconvened the group. Maci started to cry.

to the shock of everyone gathered including Thanatos himself, Hades formally announced that Thanatos would be free to go.

Ignoring Maci sobbing next to him, Hades issued a proclamation to serve as a restraining order, barring Thanatos from interacting with her ever again. This would serve as Thanatos’ singular punishment (one that he barely obeyed, mind you). Then, ignoring the furious disbelief of Persephone on his other side, Hades went on to issue a further proclamation – citing Maci’s clear inability to responsibly handle herself, effective immediately until further notice the Underworld’s population as a whole would be ordered to embargo her, and in fact anyone caught interacting with her would be personally imprisoned. As Maci wailed and screamed and pleaded to deaf ears; as Seph sat disgusted and outraged at her husband but unwilling to override him; as Thanatos bowed to the King, recollecting himself at once into his simpering, smirking demeanor; Hades offered no apologies, and he exited without looking back aaaND BELIEVE IT OR NOT THIS IS STILL NOT THE END SHOULD I KEEP GOING!! OKAY I WILL!

Quite obviously this is something that Maci has never forgiven Hades for, and something that Hades has never regretted not at all, he would do the same thing again if he had to. Hades’ priorities are his kingdom - his wife. The end. Sorry Maci. Necessary sacrifices sometimes must be made, and why risk the kingdom to appease the ungrateful brat he’d spawned against his better judgement, the ungrateful brat who took pleasure in deliberately pushing all of his buttons??

Still - STILL!!! This wasn’t quite the last straw!! it did all get a little worse— at the risk of going on and on and on and on and on for a million years I’ll summarize, or try to. Right afterwards.,,, Due to the way Hades had chosen to handle the situation, he and Seph were now fighting - as oblivious and aloof as she could be, Seph did love Maci and felt that Hades had utterly failed her— so they fought, and when news of this conflict reached Olympus it was then that Zeus took advantage of the space between them to trick and assault Seph, conceiving Melinoe. This did cause the immediate end of Hades and Seph’s argument. Now with this new wretched child that Zeus had left for them, Hades took on sole “childcare” duties for baby Melinoe and pushed Maci to assist him, all during this embargo period he’d forced her into. Fearing that Maci and Melinoe could reunite against him in their shared mistreatment, Hades pivoted to lovebomb an utterly shattered and fully isolated Maci, manipulating her onto “his side” so that they could mistreat baby Melinoe together (yes! This is INSANE!)— until accidentally her evil side took over, creating OrigiMel. When Hades IMMEDIATELY turned on Maci and tried to blame her completely for Melinoe’s rise in power, Maci realized she’d been played for a fool by her father. (With eight years having passed, even while secluded within the palace, Maci had regained the ability to put on a show of bold confidence, and she had fucking had enough, so threatening to expose the fact that Hades was the monster who had made OrigiMel, Maci demanded he lift the embargo that still stood and let her do as she pleased. Annoyed at how all of this had gone on, Hades agreed.)

For the majority of Maci’s life following, Hades’ relationship with her continued to be tense and strained and bitter despite the two of them tersely cohabitating in the big palace but the absolute absolute absolute last straw for Maci took place 2,000 years later when Tory came into the picture.

Now with entering the canon Elysium’verse - YES ALL OF THAT IS PRE-CANON STUFF - once again the Tory thread is a whole nother novel cause their relationship story was an everlasting series of horrors but the final horror preceding their marriage was Hades, finding out at last that his horrible, embarassing, disappointing scourge of a goddess he was forced to call daughter had the audacity to DATE A MORTAL?!?!?! Chthonic gods don’t DO things like that, the Underworld isn’t OLYMPUS. the most taboo thing she could have ever done - How DARE SHE.

Hades tried to kill Tory.

Not like, threatened to have him killed, either - I mean in the sense of, “literally was strangling him to death over a cliff until Maci showed up and physically saved his life, and then Hades SHOVED THEM BOTH OFF THAT CLIFF AND TORY QUITE LITERALLY WOULD HAVE DIED IF SEPH HADNT SHOWN UP ON MACI’S SIDE ONE SINGLE BRIEF TIME, TO CATCH THEM BOTH”

….so…..

i ……… wonder why Maci and Hades don’t get along.

This was the end of their relationship ever again, obviously. Immediately afterwards Maci married Tory and she has not even spoken to her father in literal years, one of the last ever times being when Neo was born, a courtesy introduction and only because Hades was viciously and petulantly spreading rumors that Neo was probably not even Tory’s baby anyway (HELLO?????? WHO DOES THIS WTF?). Hades has not met any of Maci’s other children, to this date. Maci doesn’t miss him and never thinks about him, genuinely— though she’s never REALLY dealt with dissecting her childhood so maybe that’s a crisis for later….. one day.

Seph and Maci still have a relationship, though Seph remains always cheerfully distant and Maci hasn’t ever thought about processing any latent mommy issues to be affected by that not when Hades exists fgkfkff. Seph is starry eyed and 🤪fucking delusional🤪 and her greatest wish is for her husband and her daughter to make amends (HELLOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK) . Maci loves her mom she does and Seph loves her and her grandkids! But Maci knows in her heart of hearts that if asked to choose between her and Hades, Seph would choose Hades every time. The literal only time EVER she blatantly took Maci’s side was that one time ^ up there that Tory almost died.

And so….. here we are. 🤗 at the end!

I hope this novel length essay answers your questions! and I’m sorry I have limited info about Elysium!Hades/Seph theyre!! just not a focus for me lmao!! This is the Maci show and she is absolutely a product of her tragically awful upbringing - but those two deities responsible for her awful upbringing are merely that, avenues to explore Maci only.

………..BUT at least Hades didn’t murder his grandchildren so Odin still sweeps. NEXT!

[milgramprojectfan]

Sorry for not posting for a bit, life is super weird rn 😭😭 Anyways, i wrote down my immediate reactions and analysis to the second trial mv when i first watched them, so here they are.

SPOILERS FOR THE SECOND TRIAL SONGS FOR MILGRAM

Haruka- Not Forgive- Not entirely sure who he killed (I think it was that girl in the first MV maybe??? Or his mom???) or whatever but he definitely killed a lot of animals, the taxidermied animals in the video. (Dogs, bugs, those fish he obliterated). Also I’m pretty sure he killed all those things to get the attention of his neglectful mother which like…. Isn’t a good course of actions. Also I saw a comment trying to excuse him because he has a disability and like… no??? Disabilities don’t force people to murder??

Yuno- Forgive- Nothing really changed for me. Sure she was being a sugar-baby, but that doesn’t matter that much. Queen tbh. #pro-choice

Futa- Forgive- So it seems like he was pet of an online community who bullied people online. He felt peer pressured (the “pressure, pressure” repeated over and over) into like posting someone for the internet to bash (the girl). All he seemingly did was post her initially, and then a bunch of people just dogpiled on her. Not a nice thing to do, but he had no idea what the result would be. Still unsure why he posted her, like was she having an affair with a teacher or…..???

Muu- Not Forgive- So apparently Muu is not the helpless victim in this situation. Kinda hate myself for thinking that. It seems like she was the Queen Bee of her school, but then her friend group turned on her for some reason. Then they bullied her but nobody helped her with cause she’s a manipulative narcissist. Then she tried to apologize to her victim (purple hair girl, who I also think might’ve exposed her??), but she refused. Then she killed her. Terrible horrible thing to do. Still, she’s pretty young and clearly took a toll on her so i feel bad

Shidou- Forgive- Boring MV tbh. People in the comments say he’s harvesting organs for his dying wife, so let’s go with that. Honestly I kinda get it… but still he’s not as innocent as I once thought.

Mahiru- FORGIVE- SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!! SHE WAS INEXPERIENCED IN LOVE AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS UNHEALTHY BUT SHE WAS IN DENIAL AND THEY WERE BOTH TOXIC AND HE SHOULDVE ENDED THING PERMANENTLY WITH HER INSTEAD OF KILLING HIMSELF!!

Kazui- Not Sure/Leaning to Forgive- I still have no clue what’s happening with him, but apparently he was gay and forcing himself to marry his wife? And then he confessed and she offed herself? If so, then these victims need to get some therapy before taking it to the extreme

Amane- Forgive- Now I know she’s in a cult and was abused by her parents… but I still have no clue what happened with her murder. Whatever it was it was probably not her fault in any case. Probs killed someone in the name of the cult.

Mikoto- Not Forgive- Ok so the DID is confirmed, which kinda annoys me. Anyways, I’ve decided that they are guilty. I can’t quite put it into words but like… John ‘defends’ Mikoto from a random guy on the subway, but what was the guy doing? I doubt he was doing anything that warranted being murdered, but unless the third mv exposed that idk. I don’t want to get into the DID discourse tbh, I know some people are vicious.

Also I know Kotoko’s next song is out, BUT IM WAITING FOR THE MV!!

[reckless-blossoms]

I like Tumblr more than bsky. People on here make me feel bad about myself sometimes, but I'll try to let that happen less.

It feels more private and like a place where I can share my thoughts deeper. Bluesky is nice but... I feel like it's more... Surface level, for me, right now at least.

Today's thoughts are: I have a very complicated relationship with how others view me.

I think it's because I'm ashamed of how little I've achieved with my life. I am quiet and shy and a college drop-out. Despite everything bad about me, I live a rather cushy comfortable life. People put in way more effort for way less. Not that that means I should just sit back and feel guilty, no, that's fucking dumb, but that I need to do more with my time.

I want to feel alive and like I'm doing something. I'm getting brain-fogged writing this, I did have work today after all, so I will just start to type train of thought without going back and editing things together.

As I started typing this and then stared back I felt like it was kinda whinging, just more and more wishing and whining instead of doing something. But truthfully, it is hard to know where to start. But I have this problem where I set myself up for failure by imagining big plans with stars in my eyes, when I know I should start small...

One small start could be finding a food bank place near me that accepts food. Which sounds like, duh, all of them would. But a lot don't want food. They want money to buy the exact supplies they need. Which makes sense. But... If I were to slide food from work into my bag instead of the trash, who could take that? I consistently struggle with finding places that just accept Food.

I'll figure it out. Might have to reach out to local online things and ask them where to go.

I realized an issue with myself recently. While listening to the audiobook of Unmasking Autism, there came a point where I, the reader, was asked to write down all the times that I truly felt alive.

...I can not think of anything. How terrible is that?

For so long, my existence was spent waiting for things to be better. Waiting to move out from my abusive parent's house. Waiting to start HRT. Waiting for surgery. Waiting for my next paycheck. I need to start living for Now, even if I am not perfectly happy with myself. Or perhaps, it is easier for me to say that now that I pass 100% of the time, even with my long mullet.

But, yeah, living for now. There is no perfect time. I... don't quite know how to Not constantly be distancing myself from my uncomfortable reality. But I know I need to feel uncomfortable more.

But I need something that makes me thrilled, and full of life. It is self-torment, stagnant, to do the uncomfortable without enjoying myself too. I enjoy making art, drawing and writing. The excitement of making up a plot point and realizing how perfectly it fits into my story, it's like clicking together the most difficult puzzle.

I have a weird relationship with my stories. I have this one, my main sci-fi world, that I love so deeply. I love it so deeply that I'm putting it on the shelf, and not fully committing to the novel beyond rough draft chapters because I want to give it attention when I'm ready, when I'm more skilled. I have other ideas and projects to tackle in the meantime, and I must make myself focus on them instead of doting on my Spiral characters.

Returning to the concept of feeling alive... I want to go hunting. It must feel amazing, to go into the forest alone for hours, days even. To challenge the world and for it to challenge you back. To prove yourself, to exist not as some holier than thou naked monkey standing high and mighty above nature but to exist as a part of the food chain and to return home with food for myself and my loved ones. I picture in my head the feeling of biting into meat that I bagged myself, as a hunter rather than a consumer... There's just something there. I imagine a thrill in hunting. It's in the evolutionary history of my species. I must take mind to read different perspectives, during my period of research and saving money for supplies. Basically I plan to read what indigenous people are saying about hunting rather than just what other white people have to say.

I just want to connect with nature more. I've dedicated myself to taking almost-daily walks. I skip on days where I'm out and about for other reasons. But on days where I'd otherwise be inside all day, I walk. I try to keep my eye out. I take pictures of things that catch my eye. I think it'd be cool to just pick a random plant and try to identify it. Maybe re-download iNaturalist and dedicate myself to actually figuring out how it works lmao.

I wonder if I could forage too? My father foraged. It was one of his... Things. He hyperfixated, had fleeting special interests. When it wasn't horrific conspiracy theories that he forced me to listen to, it would be things like natural foraging. I remember, the venison he hunted, paired with the sheep's head mushroom he foraged. Holy fuck, I've never eaten anything more delicious and savory. Though I admit I don't trust myself to correctly identify mushrooms, perhaps I could start with... A plant. Such as the Dandelion. I have eaten those before.

Scrolling back up, what the fuck am I even on about? I am truly all over the place. Anyways. yeah, I care so, so much. But typing about going outside more made me feel better and hopeful.

I can not imagine how damaging social media must be to some people. I am some nobody who's most popular account ever only reached ~300 followers. And even I notice so many strange complexes within myself because of Posting and Online Attention. Probably because I am so online and isolated. I am making more friends in the real world and it feels good. I want to do more. I am so scared and awkward but I go and talk to people at the furbowls anyways and I really really want to connect fully with this local furry community. And yet, I am terrified of Realness. I am utterly horrified and stricken with panic when I engage in spaces that are genuine and expect more from me than just my half-assed masking. But I know that terror is a good thing to feel.

I do not know quite what to do with this blog, I feel... Weird... Because some of my friends follow it... I care so much about how I appear, I feel held back by the preconceived notions and perceptions of myself. And yet I'm so... Weird! I push back and act unlikable on purpose! I embrace being crude and blunt because I don't like to be palatable and easy! I don't want to be lovable, I am not lovable, but I wish to be loved and to love deeply despite that. I think I probably need therapy.

Well! Anyways! What other updates do I have, for the 0 people who read this far?

Well, my tooth fucking broke the other day! Second to last back molar, left side, I was picking at what I thought was a piece of food stuck to it and the shit just tore off. Maybe like... Ehh, 1/5th? 1/4th of an inch? 6 millimeters? I'd post a pic, but it's gross. It's got this yellow streak on it, and part of it is black. No pain yet! Got a dentist appointment set for Tuesday, let's hope it doesn't disintegrate further in the meantime!

Also, I got art of my boy Damian. Look upon it. This was not exactly a commission, but I donated to Packmates Mutual Aid (specifically for community member Owly who needed help with rent while recovering from a workplace injury) and got this in return. I am glad I was able to help by giving money. I've been in their discord with the volunteer role for awhile, but I simply have no relevant skills at the moment. But at least I could chuck the fun-money portion of my latest paycheck to someone who needed it more. And of course, get some of my favorite characters feet out of it as well.

Despite how strange and ramble-y this was, it felt really, really good to get out there. Like, I actually feel my mind a bit clearer after unpacking all of that and thinking about positive steps to take.

[little-mouse-bed]

I'm just gonna vent here. I'm feeling down and lonely and sad. Been swiping on the dating apps and not having any luck. Feel like I can't say what I really want because I'm a super weirdo. I'm married but we are poly, and I don't think my partner knows how hard it is for married poly men to get attention.

My partner and I always wanted kids together but they are having a hysterectomy cause periods are becoming way too traumatic and nothing helps, and their other health problems make it probably too difficult. I want them to have a good life and make the right health choice, but I fell for them partly because they were a great mom and loved their kid so completely.

They are relatively ok with age play but don't really get into it. After having a mommy for years, it is so, so hard to ageplay with them and still feel alone.

I wish it wasn't so strange to just say, "Seeking a big titty mommydom who wants to have babies with me and my partner."

It doesn't help that I can be kinda superficial. My wants in a partner are all over the place. I want a conventionally beautiful, petite, classy, femme girl with huge plastic titties. A tough goth mommy who can manhandle me. A cute subby baby girl that I can dote on and spoil who likes being a good girl. Someone I can trust and feel safe relying upon, but is also unpredictable and wild. Someone who'd induce and lactate for me.

My first wife was a loving mommydom and my whole world. I was too young and dealing with serious psychological abuse at work, she had bpd, and things fell apart.

My current partner identified as a straight woman when we got together but now identifies as a queer enby. That's not what I signed up for, but I care about them and love them.

I realized though that I "married my mother" both times. Disabling mental health issues, medical problems, overweight and difficulty with self care. Emotionally distant or hard to read. I felt like they needed me to help them.

I'm turning 40 and I'm afraid I won't ever (or ever again) get to experience a lot of things I want terribly. I just survive each day waiting for my next paycheck with no real hope for the future. I've never been with a woman under 35. I love love love high femme women who like makeup and heels, but both my partners have kinda hated that femme stuff, after the newness wore off and they didn't care as much about what I think. 90% of the dating profiles I come across are older than me, have several kids and don't want more, don't want kids at all, think anything femme is patriarchy, or are not remotely attractive to me. I got one match that seemed interesting but she didn't seem to like me enough to keep talking.

The few things I'm truly happy about in my life are my awesome stepkid, my absolutely adorable baby niece, and that I'm finally fixing my relationship with my father. We're closer than we've been since I was 11 and I feel like that was something I missed dearly.

I just want someone to love me and take care of me without reservation. I work hard to provide for my family and I come home to make myself dinner and go to bed in the guest room because my partner wants to be up all night. I love them, but I haven't been in love for a long time. I think we all know it. I'm loyal, and even if we are struggling I can't fault them. I just spent every penny in my love bank and keep going deeper into the red.

Anyway, I'm just lonely and sad right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have a single friend I can talk to about more than the weather and the latest television. I spend all my time at work, caretaking my partner, keeping our house from falling down, or recovering from those. My only escape is singing two nights a week, but even that leaves me exhausted the next day and wondering if it's worth it.

I swear to god I feel better physically than I have since I was 20, but this just makes me feel old inside.

The little mouse I am in my heart is curled up somewhere cold and I can't find him most of the time. I want him back in my life but it just hurts when I try.

[backrooms-birthday-party]

Opinion on UU: It's cPTSD

Ok, this is gonna be kinda long. I have listened to Unreal Unearth now A LOT and I think my interpretation of it is the hell is cPTSD and the narrator is the one suffering from it. Let's dive in.

De Selby 1 & 2: the start of the abuse. The darkness that is now a part of the narrator, sensing that light is still there, but it's slowly fading behind the darkness settling in. Too much of that darkness, and the narrator now can't tell where they end and the trauma begins.

First Time: basically, every relationship or bond the narrator has had while existing with this darkness, the paranoia and the hypervigilance dying and coming alive constantly to the whims of another- a parent, a partner, a friend.

Francesca: digging your heels in, wanting it to be enough for yourself, trying to tell yourself that no matter what, you'll always love that hurt part of yourself, and for a moment, you believe it. It feels right to love the hurt part of yourself like this, but it's terrible to realize it's there

I, Carrion: falling into deep set patterns of self harm. Wanting so badly to reach out to yourself, to see yourself fully in the light, but it can't be helped, you'll always fall, you'll always be carrion for the worst parts of yourself as you slowly consume the good, and slowly wanting to keep a hand out to it.

Eat Your Young: the wanting for more, more misery, more stress, more burnout, never being satisfied with quiet or calm. The more you take and take, the less the loneliness feels, and you just can't stop feeding the bad parts of you.

Damage Gets Done: here's the growing up trauma. The feeling that nothing can get to you, that you're fine the way you are, but there's that nagging suspicion that things aren't quite right, there is damage coming, you just have no clue when it's gonna hit.

Who We Are: the self harm, either physical or mental, is so strong with cPTSD. It's sneaky and strong and so hard to shake. no matter what, you always feel like you deserve it, that somehow things will make sense as long as you are hurt in the process.

Son of Nyx: this one is more personal. To me, it's the sound of nostalgia, that feeling that I can't get back, the sounds of things to come and that have already passed me by, the inability to reach out and find good memories or good times, and only focusing on the bad ones.

All Things End: the hopeful tone is on purpose for this. It's so hopeful for cPTSD sufferers to feel like it's gonna end one day. That everything will just fucking stop. All the stress, all the pain, all the memories will just end.

To Someone From A Warm Climate: a love letter to little you, with all the pain of now you to accompany it. Sitting with little inner you is so hard to do, but it's such a good way to help yourself. Inner child work sometimes feels just like this song, full of everything that comes with it.

Butchered Tongue: I don't want to really mess with the point of this song, because the feeling of a butchered language by others is so strong and real. I'll just add to this that when you start therapy, and you start to learn more professional ways to explain your pain, you sometimes lose the ability to speak your own truth, instead relying on therapy speak to explain yourself.

Anything But: bargaining with yourself. Trying everything in your power to be anything but what you are. Telling yourself you don't even care anymore about their feelings, who gives a shit, cause I'm anything but myself.

Abstract: omg. This one is full on triggers the song. Anything can bring back a bad memory, and getting stuck inside one of those triggering memories can feel like a little death. I also always feel like I got hit by a car every time a parent told me they loved me only to pull that back when I needed the love the most.

Unknown: I've already talked about this one, but it's the feeling of being betrayed by inner you during recovery and therapy. The feeling that inner you doesn't give a shit about your recovery, and they will do anything to hold on to the familiar feeling of self sabotage and pain. It's a huge betrayal to yourself.

First Light: literally, the morning after a breakthrough. The idea that things can change, even if you really don't want them to. Sometimes, it needs to, as awful as it may feel in the moment, because you know you deserve to save yourself from more pain. Thinking about this interpretation always makes me cry when I hear it.

This album has been the first time I've been able to see some level of my own pain and abuse towards myself in every song. I've never had a bad breakup like the album feels, but idk why it feels perfect to describe the awful feelings you have to yourself when you have cPTSD. I hope this resonates with someone.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

412 of 2023

If you could change anything about your past, what would it be?

That brain incident.

Do you have anyone you regret cutting off contact with?

No, sometimes it's just necessary for your own good.

Do you experience any intrusive thoughts?

Yeah, sometimes. Thankfully not that terrible.

Do you have any trouble controlling violent urges?

I don't think I really have any violent urges. Not anymore.

Have you ever stalked someone online or irl?

Nope. I had a stalker before and I know how unsettling it is.

Have you ever thought about resetting your life, packing up and moving away from everyone you know?

Yeah, but I wouldn't do it in the end.

Are you a bitter or hateful person?

No. Maybe bitter sometimes, but not hateful, not at all.

What is one thing you regret deeply?

Letting certain people into my life.

If you could start over from 0 a relationship, any sort of relationship, with someone in your life, who would it be?

That one friend who was "my big brother".

What is your personal hygiene like and do you slack at all?

Nah, I'm kinda obsessed with it. I can't imagine being stinky and all.

Who in your life do you fear most (and why)?

I'd say myself. I'm a contradiction.

What's a secret you have that would horrify your parents if they found out?

That sexual abuse thing. They don't know until today.

What (non-physical) trait do you envy most in others?

Good health.

Most physically painful experience you've endured?

Brain haemorrhage.

What's one problem of yours that holds you back in life a lot?

My health problems. I'm trying to live my life as much as I can, though.

If you were to just cry, scream, let go, what would you say? What do you want/need?

I think I said much enough.

What would you like to say to the person that has hurt you the most in your life?

I hope you die.

What is the most traumatic thing you have ever witnessed?

Witnessed or experienced? I can't think of anything in regards of witnessing.

Do you have any one specific event that has caused most of your emotional pain?

Yeah, sexual abuse when I was younger.

What's your most toxic trait?

Probably I'm passive-aggressive sometimes.

Have you ever wished death upon someone?

No, except for one specific person.

Have you ever ruined someone else's life because of a decision you made? Do you regret it?

I don't know, nobody has ever told me anything like this.

Have you ever intentionally killed an animal for fun?

Omg no. But I've seen one of my childhood friends killing a frog just because. It was awful.

What's a shitty fake rumor someone started about you?

That I fell in love with someone from my class in secondary school and it was a mean person I would never ever fall for.

Are you feeling suicidal right now?

Not at all. Haven't felt like that ion a very long time.

How long are you clean from SH? (Or if you don't SH how long have you not given in to a bad/toxic habit?)

Around 10 years.

How do you sit on the toilet? Have you ever used a toilet standing up?

How otherwise do guys pee XD number two is an entirely different thing.

Did the person you lost your virginity to appreciate it?

Probably, but we never really talked about it.

What character trait are you most ashamed of?

I'm kinda greedy.

[oraclekleo]

Hey! I just sent you a normal ask, I'm so sorry. I read the instructions properly, please ignore the previous ask and consider this one instead.

I'm RA, a taurus sun, Scorpio moon and libra rising in tropical astrology. I'm 22, and my pronouns are she/her. I'm into he/him.

To my best belief, I have followed all the pre-requisites to request for grant of a free reading, however, if I have missed out on anything, please bring it to my notice.

I want to request for a personal kinky reading about myself. Some things about myself are that I love the color blue, I am terrified of physical intimacy, I love fantasizing about love, my venus is in the 8th house and my idea of love has transformed over the past few years. I'm a foodie, I love desserts, especially waffles and pancakes with a huge scoop of ice cream. I love blueberry cheesecake too.

If there's anymore information you require, please let me know. And Thank you so much for offering free readings, I'm grateful to claim one ✨

Also, I don't desire a private reading, you can post my ask on your feed and I'll drop a feedback :)

Thanks once again! Good day/night 💕💖

Hello!

Dear! You have followed the rules perfectly and you gave me so much information! I'm so grateful because I think it truly helped me so much with this reading. I must say that the words just flow in this one, there was no struggle for me to pick what the cards were trying to tell me. Whether it's accurate, that's a different question 😂 You'll be the judge of that. But I want to let you know that I truly enjoyed doing this reading as my intuition really felt easy flowing this time. I mean... with some people (regular and celebrities, too) I struggle to properly word the meanings I see in the cards but with you... It was so smooth. And while most readings take energy away from me, yours actually kinda cheered me up and energized me. There must be something special about your vibe so thank you for allowing me to bask in it through this reading. 😁💝

Anyway! Enough of pre-talk! See the cards bellow and your full reading when you expand the post.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Feel free to cool my excitement down with critical feedback. 😊 It's very appreciated no matter how negative it is. I'm the person who likes to receive critics because I can learn from them and grow in future. So don't worry if the reading sounds nothing like you. Just tell me. 😂 And if by any chance it does resonate, I'm happy to receive praises as well. Surprising, I know. 😂

Thank you for your request and I hope to hear from you in future!

P.S. There are special offers in the paid readings post and many are now for free! So you can use this opportunity to ask for another reading! Book a Tarot Reading (Paid) Instructions

RA

Spread / Question: Kinky Reading

Deck(s): Everyday Witch Tarot + Everyday Witch Oracle

Position - 9 of Pentacles

Lol! This card just screams a contented loner. You’re not very likely to play some games when it comes to relationships. You’re not really into sub/dom dynamics as you are not willing to boss others around or to be bossed by somebody else. You are happy the way you are. You are you, you are your own boss. You don’t even actually need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. You are able to truly appreciate and cherish your own company. That doesn’t mean, you will never date anyone. But if you do, you are likely to maintain your healthy boundaries with the person and just make sure that the relationship is in no way toxic or abusive on either side. You know how to get along with people in a healthy and respectful way and you also know how to be alone and just cozy in your own company. Some people are terribly dull when they are not in a relationship, like they don’t know what to do if they don’t have a partner to do things with… You’re not one of those people. You have your interests and your hobbies. If you can find your mutual, great! You will happily share your days with them. If there’s no one to follow your requirements at the moment, you’re perfectly happy on your own and you can wait. You’re not very likely to just start dating someone for the mere sake of dating. You have your standards.

Libido - 2 of Cups

You mentioned it yourself that you’re not into physical intimacy and the cards confirm it. You’re likely a romantic person deep down, you said it yourself you like to imagine romance but the cards suggest you might prefer the emotional and spiritual connection to come first, before any physical contact. Honestly, I’m even getting the vibe of like a spiritual marriage in a sense you might meet someone you feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually close with, deep bond, but you might never actually get physical. I know it sounds a bit weird but I assume it can happen. If this is ringing no bell for you, just ignore it, I simply had to tell you what I’m sensing from the cards. On the other hand, if you meet your super special person, you might start to feel physical attraction to them and if you do, you’re likely to be more soft and vanilla about it. This card doesn’t really give a dominatrix vibe, lol. You’re likely to enjoy long sessions with your lover when you cook, eat, walk and talk together, holding hands and some soft kissing. You’re likely to take it slow in the relationship, really getting to know each other through and through emotionally and spiritually before you get physically intimate with each other.

Turn On - 7 of Cups

Lol! So many options and you just can’t pick one! It looks like you don’t really have your specific type yet. Either there’s no one who would come as physically attractive to you in a sense you would actually risk it and get physical with them, or… There are like many potentially attractive people but you only find some aspects attractive in them and none of those people tick all the boxes for you so you’re not really interested in dating any of them for real. Each of them has characteristics you dislike to the level you can’t imagine sharing your life with them. This card can also mean you are in love with someone (or many) who is not real or accessible. Typically those can be fictional characters or celebrities. You might be in love with Mr. Darcy (sorry, I’m old, Mr. Darcy is the ultimate perfect man for my generation, you can have a different idol) but you know he’s not real. And you can have a crush on a celebrity knowing you will never be able to date them but it’s still nice to imagine.

Kink - 2 of Pentacles + Follow your Dreams

With all that was said, it’s not a big surprise that you don’t really have settled for a kink of yours yet. You probably juggle with several ideas that appeal to you, you probably have looked into the options but… I can’t really see you being enthusiastic about trying one of the kinks in real life. Maybe with the right person you will one day. The cards really hold that potential. Just like the young wizard getting ready to jump out of the window and fly on the broom, you’re currently looking into options and getting ready, still safely in your own headspace. And just like the two of pentacles card, you’re balancing and judging the options. It’s only up to you if you will shift to one option or not. It’s up to you whether you will actually ride the broom or stay in the room and sweep instead. Lol… That’s both a metaphor and an actual suggestion. I mean… the floor can never be too clean, right? Anyway! I wanted to mention at least some of the kinks coming into consideration but I seriously can’t pick here. I mean, both cards depict a solitary person, in one card it’s a day time, in the other it’s a night time, so you probably don’t have a preference on when to make love. The Two of Pentacles is outdoors, the oracle card is indoors… Seriously, I can’t pick a kink up from these. I’m sorry.

Dirty Secret - Ace of Swords + Prayers and Wishes

Your cards are so incredibly clear with their messages, it’s insane! Do you often catch yourself daydreaming and imagining romantic scenarios? Do you play dialogues with your imaginary sweethearts in your head? Do you sometimes know you’re going to stay home but still dress up pretty and make yourself look nice just in case a rain drenched hunk in see through wet white shirt knocks on the door and asks you for help? Okay… this one is maybe my fantasy but you get where I’m going. Your dirty secret is that you’re probably a very pure and decent person in real life, all the dirt and spice are happening in your imagination and fantasy. You’re likely to imagine, dream and wish for someone really special to come into your life so you can fall in love with them because you’re a romantic soul. While you really crave this to happen one day (or maybe it already did happen recently), you’re still sensible enough to keep your standards. The Ace of Swords suggests not only a superior imagination (do you perhaps write stories or fanfics?) but also a clear mind. Once again, the people are alone on the cards which suggests you are an individualist. You have a strong persona. You don’t need to lower your expectations and you will know when your prince in shining armour arrives.

[huge-enthusiast]

Miraculous fic recomendations!!

This is just an excuse to show all my bookmarks? Yes. Yes, it is. I'm pretty sure most of this fics are really popular, but try see if you find something you didn't knew about!

All of the fics will be rated Teen and up audiences or lower. Also if I don't put the author's tumblr is because they didn't put it in the fic or/and I couldn't find it.

Pairing: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug

knowing you by emsylcatac (they are not really the author of the fic but that's the account that says in the fic, the actual author doesn't have an account).

After dropping their transformations months ago, Marinette and Adrien see each other for the first time after being apart. They've both left too much unsaid and have to work to pick up the pieces of their confused hearts.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal but mostly ladynoir, light angst with happy ending.

the last day on earth by Reiaji

The first time Marinette sees Chat Blanc, she's fourteen years old. The second time, fifteen—the third time, seventeen.

The closer she grows to Adrien, the harder it is to save him.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal lovesquare, kinda heavy angst, hopeful ending.

tell me something i don't know by carpisuns (@carpisuns here on tumblr)

Do you think it still means something? To love someone, even if the universe said you had to?

The odds of having a soulmate are about negative one billion (or something like that). But somehow, like they always have, Marinette and Chat Noir find themselves together. They’re ready to finally tell each other everything, but it turns out that even soulmates have to keep secrets, and while their bond draws them together, duty forces them apart.

Chapters: currently 17/28 (WIPs can be exhausting but this one is 100% worth the wait!)

Mostly marichat but almost all of the lovesquare sides make an appearance, soulmates au, mostly fluff but it can get angsty if it wants to.

One Thing After Another by SKayLanphear

Marinette notices that, sometimes, Adrien acts a little out of the ordinary--like the time he stood in a cardboard box for no reason, or when he actually hissed at Nino. It's only when she starts to notice the similarities between Adrien and a certain feline that she begins to get suspicious.

Basically, Adrien acts like a cat when he probably shouldn't.

Chapters: 15/15

Mostly adrienette with one sided reveal by Marinette's side, miraculous side effects (by both sides wich is really cool!), it's fluff with a lil tiny angst for drama.

This would take some getting used to by Codango (@codango here on tumblr!)

Adrien peeked out from behind the chimney even as the magic of his own Chat Noir mask fell away.

She was still visible, her dark hair bobbing under the street lamps a couple blocks away.

“Marinette.”

Adrien blew out a confused breath. His fiery Ladybug… was the quiet little mouse who sat behind him in class?

“What. The.”

This… would take some getting used to.

Chapters: 8/8

Adrienette with one sided reveal by Adrien's part, awkward flirting, just fluff, nothing to worry about.

comfort food also by Reiaji!

In Marinette's house, cooking is a language of love, and Marinette loves Adrien more than most.

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette with a little of ladynoir, super super fluff, a lot of insight into Marinette's chinese heritage.

The right side of his face by walkingonthestars (@hamsternamedmarinette here on tumblr!)

Marinette and Adrien are able to remain in their new seats in the back of the room at the end of Chameleon.

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette, fluff with light angst.

it's a long way forward so trust in me by aloneintherain (@captainkirkk here on tumblr!)

“You’re not the only strong one around here, Chat,” Marinette said. She looked a little winded, but she wasn’t struggling to hold him up.

This close up, he could see the freckles on the bridge of her nose. He could see how that smug smile lit up her eyes. He could feel the strain of her arms—and wow, okay, he really wasn’t the only person around here with muscles.

Six times Marinette carried Adrien (plus one time he carried her).

Chapters: 1/1

All the sides of the lovesquare! Fluff with LOTS of mutual pining.

a fight that you were born to lose also by aloneintherain

When the prosecution starts throwing around the word victim in reference to Adrien, he has to stuff his hands under his thighs to keep himself from bolting out of the courtroom.

Adrien had felt unsafe during those last few weeks, but, until he had woken up and seen Father silhouetted in his bedroom doorway, that had only been paranoia. Father was controlling and cold, but he wasn’t hateful. Adrien was isolated. He was often hungry. And some weeks ago, when he had snuck out to visit Nino, sitting thigh-to-thigh on his bed while Adrien cried in that silent, crumbling way of his, he hadn’t argued when Nino put a hand on his shoulder and said, tentatively, That’s abuse.

But Adrien remembers being small and Father touching his hair after he’d aced another test; Father holding his scribbled drawings like they were something precious, and framing them around his office; Father, dressed as Hawkmoth, his eyes wild behind the mask, lashing his sword against Adrien’s baton; Father, collapsed against Mum, crying into her ashy hair.

Adrien finds out Gabriel is Hawkmoth, and Gabriel gets to bring his long-waited plan into action.

Chapters: 1/1

This one doesn't really focus in the ship that much as is an Adrien character study and an exploration of his relationship with his father, but they're still there so I put them here. Really heavy angst (this is one of this fics that haunt me in the middle of the night) with a happy ending. ❗TW: parental abuse, eating disorders❗

Supercut by LNC

Marinette loves her friends and Adrien can't deal.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal lovesquare, again light angst, an exploration of Adrien's insecurities, Marinette Dupain-Cheng deserves the world, happy ending.

Madame Snare by jettiebettie

“Sounds like a lot of work for nothing. She should take this as a sign to have a relaxing weekend with no responsibilities.”

“It's a lot of work she put her whole heart into. It wouldn't be right for it to go to waste,” Adrien whispers to him. The look on Marinette's face is enough to cause Adrien's own heart to ache. If anyone deserves the satisfaction and pride from a job well done, it's her.

“Too bad there isn't anyone else who can walk in those death traps,” Plagg says. Adrien hums in thought, tapping his chin.

“I could.”

Chapters: 1/1

Marichat, episode-based, Chat Noir in a dress!!!, light angst but it's mostly just idiots being idiots and a lot of fun.

in the same sun by peachcitt (@peachcitt here on tumblr!)

"It’s hard to believe that I saw you last at the peak of summer, when the sun was close and warm - and so were you. It should go without saying that I miss you. I miss you something terrible."

//

"It’s been seven months to the day since I’ve seen you. I wish you were here more than anything else."

Two letters, signed with initials instead of names, found in Paris, France.

Chapters: 1/1

Ladynoir, just angst, that's it, written like letters. No ending, just pain.

an uncurtain discovery by Missnoodles (@ladyofthenoodle here on tumblr!)

When he returns from school on Wednesday afternoon, Adrien discovers the darkness in his own home. He struggles to come to terms with it. To his utter mortification and delight, Ladybug is nearby to rescue him.

(He does not discover that his father is supervillain. That will happen on a different Wednesday.)

Chapters: 1/1

Ladrien, it says it's crack, and don't get me wrong, is super funny, but I also found it sad as fuck?

An Open Secret by Kasienda

Adrien whirled around toward Marinette. She smiled at him.

He couldn’t smile back. He stared at her like the dumb blond model that he was often accused of being.

Something shifted in her expression. And her warm open Marinette smile transformed into Ladybug’s grin. He was looking at Ladybug right now.

He knew Ladybug’s name!

Her name was Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

And he couldn’t say anything! Not to Marinette! Not even to Plagg, who had confided two weeks prior that Master Fu was growing increasingly paranoid since the location of his home and hideout had been compromised. Their master had apparently decided that Chat Noir and Ladybug would have to give up their miraculouses if they ever discovered each other’s identities.

It wasn’t fair!

...

A fic where they both know, but can't openly talk about it.

Chapters: 4/4

Post-reveal... but is it? Mostly adrienette and ladynoir, fluff with light angst and them being absolute idiots at hiding their secret identity.

golden (like daylight) by okayanna (@anna-scribbles here on tumblr!)

Friendship, Adrien decided, shaking off the mental image of Marinette’s hurricane eyes and hesitant mouth, parted in a small, careful “o.” He had a very strong friendship with Marinette. That was all.

or

Adrien thinks a lot about words, love, and Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Chapters: 1 + epilogue

Adrienette but has lots of ladynoir, another Adrien character study because I hate myself, it tries to not be angst but the writing will punch you in the guts and make you cry, it's so good.

Strangers in the Bright Lights by poodles (@ladybeug here on tumblr!)

Adrien is about two drinks in when he sees a girl at the end of the bar wearing black cat ears. It's kind of weird, so he watches her, and although it's crowded he can see her face when she turns around. She’s wearing a Chat Noir mask. He takes a quick look around- nobody else is wearing a mask. Just her.

Adrien finishes his gin martini and heads over to her. He could use some company tonight anyways, he hasn’t told anyone he’s back in Paris and Nathalie won’t arrive in town for another month. And it’s been a rough day, okay? A rough move! He’s not sure he wants to be back yet, and he spent most of the day in the Agreste mansion sorting through some photographs of his father he found in the study. Maybe he wants a drink and some stranger to tell him he’s pretty! That’s not a crime, is it?

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette but it's also ladrien??? I think??? It's super super angsty but they're both drunk the entirety of the fic so it's also really funny.

Pick-Up and Chase by also SKayLanphear

After she accidentally trips into Adrien and apologizes about "falling for him," Marinette learns that he's no match for cheesy pick-up lines--whether they were unintended or not. And while she finds it flattering that he turns into a flustered mess with only a few words, Marinette comes to regret making him uncomfortable. That is, until she learns he's Chat Noir. At which point the phrase "just deserts" becomes a permanent fixture in her everyday plans.

A story in which Adrien is flustered, Marinette is smooth as glass at dropping lines, and Chat Noir gets the romance he was always asking for--even if he doesn't quite know how to handle it.

Chapters: 10/10

Adrienette with one sided reveal by Marinette's side, it doesn't say it in the tags but I'm pretty sure the characters are much older than they actually are in the show, so much fluff and so much flirting.

Pairing: Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe

Nino Has Done Nothing To Deserve This by GuardianKarenTerrier (@guardiankarenterrier here in tumblr)

It's nothing, really- just an innocent comment, a joke. But when they hear it, Nino and Alya come to a realisation.

There were, in retrospect, dozens upon dozens of hints. Now that they're suddenly aware of all their friend's flimsy excuses and rushed explanations, they're not only sure how they've missed it, they're not sure how anyone else has either. They realise that it had to be magic protecting their friends- and that same magic has ceased to work on the two of them.

Well, this means they'll just have to start watching over their friends themselves.

Chapters: 7/7

This is more a found family fic than anything else, Alya and Nino are the mom friend, has light angst but it's mostly identity shenanigans in the most bizarre way. ❗TW: eating disorders❗

christmas lights by demistories

Nino checks up and down the street, checking to make sure there’s no raging akuma headed his way before he crosses quickly and ducks inside the small café. He closes the door quickly before the icy air can blow inside and tugs his beanie down over his ears. He spots Alya sitting alone in the corner.

Chapters: 1/1

Just fluff!! Really short but really sweet.

hold on, i still want you also by Missnoodles!

Written for the @thedjwifizine ! Wich I also recommend if you wanna binge a lot of djwifi fics while also looking at amazing art!!!

Five times Alya ran into her ex, and the one time he stopped being her ex.

Chapters: 1/1

Light angst with a happy ending! I don't really like the ex-lovers to lovers trope but this one is the only exception.

I will continue to expand the list in the future! But by now I hope I was helpful in the search of new fics!

[robcharlieglenn]

i’m coming out and saying it:

i do not ship macdennis. i tried SOOO hard to be in to it. i really did. like i even tried writing a fucking fic around those two and i cannot say i enjoy their pairing at all. i understand that rcg are hinting towards it and at this point i’m only looking forward to it because i wanna see if they have big enough balls to make dennis queer. that is IT. literally any other pairing in the show makes me happy (charmac, chardee, charmacden, even a bit of charden) but holy shit when it’s just dennis and mac i just cannot seem to enjoy the thought of those two characters together. they do not vibe well. both dennis and mac are abusive towards each other and it just makes so much more fucking sense for other pairings to happen canonically. i understand macdennis shippers are about to come for my throat but idc!! (also if you are in the same boat as me and enjoy fanfiction , i HIGHLY recommended reading all of @/psychedelic_iridescent (charden) and @/sunflowersocialist (charmacden, charmac)’s fics on ao3. some of the best writers i have come across in a long time) thank you for coming to my ted talk ily. (i would also loveee to have discourse over this so if u want to discuss hit my line ((SEE EDIT BELOW))

EDIT: okay let me defend myself!! i was kinda h!gh on pain meds when I wrote this last night so I didn't word everything perfectly,, i understand that any pairing of the show would be abus!ve. they are all terrible terrible people and while I understand it makes the most sense for just mac and dennis to be together, i just don't really like it?? idk. it's more of a personal preference than anything. my justification is that charmac would be cute and makes sense bc its a life long best friends to lovers type of thing, chardee makes sense because they had chemistry up until season 10 and in my mind if any two people in the gang were going to hook up, it would be dee and charlie. don't get me wrong, if they make macdennis canon i won't be upset about it, i just think that the writing of the past few seasons has made the idea of mac and dennis being in a fulfilling, committed relationship seem futile. I've said this since my first watch of the show, i HATE how they've been writing mac since he came out in s13. i think if they wrote his character a tad better and hopefully have dennis be less fucking mean and angry towards mac all the time it would play better in my eyes. but again!! people are allowed to ship anyone they want!! and enjoy the show however they want!! soz if i made anyone upset but I'm glad my posts are getting a bit more traction in the sunny fandom

[rwprincess]

Head Over Feet (Brian Johnson x Fem!Reader)

Masterlist

Word Count: 4.8k

Synopsis: What’s that sound? It’s another anachronistic Brian Johnson songfic! (Based on Alanis Morissette’s Head Over Feet) You’re one of Bender’s trash-punk friends and things change drastically when he brings the scrawny brain from detention with him to meet you all. Set up in snippets, your relationship develops with Brian, even if you weren’t really looking for a relationship.

CW: Teenage smoking (including reader), swearing, parental abuse (being being kicked out), sexism, angst and fluff

“This is Johnson,” Bender indicated the boy he brought along to your group’s spot under the bleachers.

“Brian, please.” The kid corrected. You eyed the gangly youth from top to bottom; in his sweater over a crisply-ironed collared shirt and khakis, he definitely didn’t fit in here with you all. You’d be called grungy punks at best. You didn’t think any of you even owned an iron and crisp definitely wasn’t your style. You blew out a puff of smoke, exhaling the nicotine from your lungs and shifted your gaze to Bender, wondering what he was at with this. He wasn’t the best guy, but pranking this preppy little nerd by bringing him down to your hangout? That seemed beneath him.

“You, uh, running some kinda charity here, Bender? We’re not exactly Make-A-Wish material, kid.” Scorch told the blonde dweeb and you snorted at the thought.

“Shut the fuck up,” was all Bender said in response. The rest of the twenty minutes of Brian Johnson standing there was of course, incredibly awkward and it was clear to everyone that he didn’t fit in. But that didn’t stop him from coming back a week later. And again a few days after that. And again and again until, well, that dork had grown on the lot of you. While he didn’t partake in cigarette smoking like most of you, he did take Bender up on his weed on several occasions and was actually really funny while high. He did weirdly spot-on impressions and had a sense of humor that none of your group had anticipated.

And, as much as you would vehemently deny it, you liked him when he was sober, too. He was incredibly smart and helpful and while his jokes were different without marijuana in his system, he could be amusing. That first awkward encounter was back in March, maybe April. But now you spent time with him without the convenience of school pulling you together. Now it was June and you sought to spend time with him, even without the group. Tonight, you were laying in a field not far from the high school, just the two of you. You liked to listen to him ramble on about the constellations and the myths about why they were named as they were. You remembered liking that as a kid, but you didn’t remember most of the stories. You knew you could ask him questions about the actual stars, too. Like, the science of it, and he would know. But you’d rather let him ramble and tackle one subject at a time. Even though he focused more on science and math, he was a pretty good storyteller, and right now that provided you with more of an escape than talking about the chemical composition of a star. When he finished his retelling of Ursa Minor’s story, however, he remained silent and didn’t start up a new piece of lore. After a moment, you looked at him to see what the hold up was, but you just caught his eye as his gaze was already fixed on you. Your heart started pounding in your chest because you knew what was coming.

“You know, we could go on an actual date some time.” Brian suggested, breaking the silence. You closed your eyes, almost wincing at the words. He was generally more subtle than this, but the same idea had been brought up before. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Brian. In general, you did, and in the honest depths of your soul, it was as more than a friend. But, every time it came down to this subject, you panicked. You had never been serious with anyone and the thought of dating was completely foreign to you. You had messed around with some guys before but you never had feelings for them. You didn’t know how to depend on another person, to have an actual relationship with them.

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You sighed, your eyes still closed. You didn’t know what to tell him. Before, he always left it as more of a hint and it was easier to dodge. Now he was just coming out and saying it. Basically asking you out, so you would actually have to turn him down this time. The terrible thing was, you didn’t really want to. The conscious side of you wanted to agree and go out with him, on a proper date. But your subconscious kicked you into fight or flight mode and if you weren’t in the middle of a field, you might have picked flight and walked away. But that didn’t seem to be an option.

“Look, Johnson. It’s not that easy. Just...don’t waste your time on me.”

“I’m already wasting my time on you.” He pointed out, but when you took a peek at him, he didn’t seem upset about it. He was actually grinning about it. “We’re already wasting our time out here. Or at the library, or under the bleachers… So why not like, a movie theater or dinner, or my house?”

“Oh yeah, your mom would love having me around.” You joked, humorlessly. The smattering of times you had met Brian’s mother hadn’t gone swimmingly. You could read the derision in her voice and knew she did not approve of her good little baby hanging out with a ne’er-do-well like you.

“She’d come around. You’re different once someone actually gets to know you.” He meant it as a compliment, but you took it as your out.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” You leapt up, indignantly and he just gaped at you like a fish out of water.

“I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I swear!” He put his hands up defensively as you looked down at him. “Forget it, I’m sorry.” You had victory, he dropped the subject and your friendship could last another night and you could try to pretend like he wasn’t right, that you two weren’t meant to be something more.

*~~~~*

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

For the most part, working at Bert’s auto shop felt worthwhile and valuable. Other days, it chewed you up and spit you out. It was hard being in such a masculine environment and not fitting into that type. Customers (mostly men, but even the women too) thought that you were less knowledgeable and handy than your cohorts. Bender’s teasing didn’t help that image, either.

Now you slid into the booth at Gino’s pizzeria utterly deflated and defeated. Of course, Brian took notice right away. “Rough day?” He inquired, pushing a menu towards you even though he knew you ordered the same thing every time.

“That’s not even the half of it. Why does Bender hafta be such a dick all the time?!” You asked, incredulously but sincerely, diving right into your problem.

“I don’t know. I think he thinks it’s part of his charm? Maybe it is. I mean, we’re still friends with him.” You nodded at his point, but clenched your fists just the same.

“I just wish he knew when to back off sometimes. Like, he never realizes he’s taking it too far and digging you further into a shithole.”

“What did he do this time?” Brian’s gaze on you was unbroken; it made you feel important, like your opinion, your story, was the only thing that mattered.

“So we got this old guy in the shop today. Beautiful car, so of course he was hesitant with me touching it.” You began and his eyebrows furrowed, already not liking the direction this was going. “And I’m trying to prove myself worthy to work on this car, even though I would just be doing an oil change, which isn’t like a big deal anyway, right? Simple stuff.” You looked to him to get acknowledgement to move forward.

“I mean, I guess. I don’t really know about oil changes or anything about cars. But I know you do.”

“Right, so Bender has to go and make a crack to the old guy about how they won’t let me near it and I’m just the secretary for the shop or whatever. Just a total dick move. But of course the guy believed him and laughed with him and sent me to go get him a cup of coffee? I mean, what the hell is that?”

“That’s not right. And you wear a mechanic’s uniform at work, why would he think--?”

“Because macho man Bender told him I was! He was more believable than me.” You sank back and put a hand up to brace your forehead as the waitress approached the table. You prepared to order your drink when she set down exactly what you would have ordered in front of you and walked away, promising to come back in a few minutes. You blinked at the cup as if it magically had appeared.

“I uh, figured you’d get the usual and you’d need it when you got here, so I ordered for you. I hope that’s okay.” Brian said and then looked away, suddenly embarrassed by the idea. Since he wasn’t looking at you anyway, you allowed your lips to twitch up into a smile threatening to break out on your face...but only for a moment.

“Yeah, whatever. So anyway, Bender…” you carried on, pretending nothing happened, but secretly cataloguing his gesture in your memory.

*~~~~*

The only thing worse than arguing with Brian or him pissing you off was him making you laugh. There were times that you would go home with sore sides and itchy eyes from the tears that formed while laughing so hard. Then you would always, always reflect on the hours you just spent together, feeling the warmth and butterflies tickle your insides and a nervous heat would prickle your skin as you thought about how happy Brian made you. He never pushed you to do anything; he liked you the way you were. Sure, he would drop hints here and there about how you should stop smoking or give you advice when you had a particularly bad argument with one of your friends, but overall, he just accepted you. And you knew how hard that was to find.

You had never been popular and when junior high rolled around, you accepted that you never would be. You found your own little group of outcasts who understood what it was like to be kicked down time and again, and now he had somehow joined that group too. You knew he understood how it felt. Even though he looked different and came from a very different social circle, he had been looked down upon by his peers all his life. You were guilty of judging him the same way when you first met him, but now you couldn’t imagine life without him. He was cut of the same cloth and you could see yourself in him, which is why you just clicked. And he was so kind and so patient with you. You tried to push him away dozens of times, to put up the barriers and the walls that worked so well for everyone that came before him; you couldn’t be hurt if you never got attached. Where most people gave up and only saw the cold, distant bitch you gave them, Brian always saw something more. He didn’t give up in breaking down those walls, and even accepted just being your friend. That made you love him even more.

Shit, wait. Did you just think about loving Brian? A crush is one thing. Having a buddy to fool around with is one thing. Being in love was quite another.

You've already won me over in spite of me

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

*~~~~*

Mercedes Johnson was all about keeping up appearances, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t hear her arguing with Brian on the other side of the door, about you. Again. You had known from the second you met her that she didn’t like you. She was instantly worried about the influence you’d have on her son; it was a common reaction from parents based on the way you looked and the company you kept. You would think you’d be used to it by now.

However, it truthfully bothered you more because this was Brian’s mother. You were hoping that she would be different and see the person underneath like her son had, or at the very least, that she would eventually warm up to you. You had no luck with either.

“I’m not comfortable with having her over at the house right now.” You could hear her tell Brian.

“She’s my friend, ma. Of course she’s going to come over--”

“I’m aware of that but you know I wish she weren’t. I would prefer that you keep the company of other friends.” The formality of her sentences while she was still cruelly putting you both down made you cringe.

“You don’t know her because you won’t give her a chance. She’s not that different from my other friends.”

“You have friends in the Physics Club, from Knowledge Bowl, Honor Students. You don’t need the association with a hoodlum like that or John Bender and I don’t know why you keep insisting on bringing them into my home when I have repeatedly told you no. I don’t want them around your sister, or even you!”

“Fine. Then we’ll leave.” You heard the door swing open harshly and Brian was motioning for you to follow him out of the house.

“Brian Ralph Johnson!” You heard his mother cry after the two of you. Brian held open the front door for you and you looked at him cautiously before rushing out. You knew you weren’t wanted there, but you were worried that he wouldn’t come with you. You were even more worried that he would. “You are not leaving this house.” Mercedes put on the most intimidating tone you had witnessed her use.

“No, I am. We are. I’ll see you later.”

“Don’t bother coming back tonight if you walk out of this house!” She was now pink-faced and losing all of the reserved, polished look you had seen her have. She had never been so...uncomposed.

“Don’t worry. I won’t.” Brian said and grabbed you by the elbow as he escorted you down the driveway to your car. He immediately got into the passenger seat and as you sunk behind the steering wheel, you glanced at him.

“Brian, this is stupid. You don’t have to---you shouldn’t do this.” The whole situation reminded you of the many times you had been kicked out of your house. This was just another home you weren’t welcome in.

He clenched his jaw in response. “Let’s just go. I’ll figure it out later. Please, just drive.”

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

“Your mom gave you a choice, you know. It’s not like she told you to get out. She actually told you not to leave.” You said as you both sat on the trunk of your car, looking out across the field that was slowly turning to a golden hue, both from the afternoon sun and the change into autumn. Neither of your houses were really an option to go to, so you just chose the empty field that you would look at stars in during the summer.

“It’s not like it was really a choice though, was it? I’m tired of her trying to control every part of my life. I need to start thinking for myself, doing things for myself. She needs to understand that I’m going to do what I want, and like who I want to like.” He looked at you meaningfully for a moment, but you looked away quickly. It was too heavy for you to process right now.

“That’s a big step. I’m really impressed with you for standing up for yourself.” You told him, and he gave you an appreciative, heart-stopping smile in return that caused your cheeks to flush. Your parents had shouted at you to leave so many times before, any time you were ‘inconvenient’ for them, that it was hard to relate to someone who chose not to stay. But you wanted to support him and you did feel proud of him today. You thought back to the most recent event in which you had been dismissed from your family, and how you had tried to take it out on Brian:

You slammed your locker and watched him almost jump out of his skin. “I don’t want to talk about this.” You growled at Brian.

“I understand that, but you need to. You can’t just--”

“Just what?”

“You can’t just act like nothing happened or run away from it...run away from here.” You had been disciplined at school yet again and your parents had had enough. You had a big fight with them the night prior and did not sleep in your own bed. The tiredness racked your body today and you were stiff from sleeping in your car. If it weren’t for the social aspect, you wouldn’t have bothered coming to school. But you quickly realized you weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone, and you were only making the situation worse.

“Like hell I can’t.” You stated, quickly turning to walk away.

“Y/N, don’t. Come on, talk to me. Tell me what happened. We can figure it out together.”

“There’s nothing to figure out, bucko. I’ll be fine. I’ll do this on my own. I’m used to that anyway.”

“But you don’t have to be alone, Y/N. That’s what I’m saying! That’s my whole point: I’m here for you!”

“I didn’t ask you to be, Brian.”

“No, because friends don’t have to ask.” His words scared you. Nobody had so adamantly offered to be a safety net to you before.

“Yeah,” you scoffed, “we’re great friends. We’ve bonded so much in the, what, four months you’ve known me?” You rolled your eyes, trying to make him feel uncomfortable, to drive a wedge between you. You only knew how to put up walls, how to run.

“You know we are.”

“Yeah, sure, right. Friends. Not like you want to sleep with me or anything.” You tried to drive another knife into him, to play it off like he was following you only because he had a crush on you, one you tried to pretend wasn’t reciprocated. “It’s not going to happen, Brian. So just accept that we’re not friends.”

He let you get about three steps away before you heard him say, “No. I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work. Sure, part of me wants something more, but...I care about you, Y/N. And if we can just be friends, I am happy with that, I swear. But don’t do this to me. Don’t try to shut me out or walk away or act like you’re fine. I know you well enough to know you’re not.” When you turned around, you could see that he had tears rimming his eyes, threatening to fall, which made your own tears spring up as well. “I am your friend. I’m not going to just let you go and do something stupid. You are going to talk about this. If not to me, then someone else. But you can’t just run away or sleep in your car or, or…”

“Okay.” You said, softly.

“Okay?”

“Fine, let’s talk about it. I screwed up again and my parents kicked me out. So what do I do?”

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I...we’ll think of something.” He began to tell you, but you bit your lip and drowned him out in your own sobs. Everything crashed in on you at once; you hadn’t escaped in time. You slid down your locker wall and sat on the floor. Brian joined you and put his arm around you tentatively.

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

After that day, you knew he wouldn’t let you go. You tried your best to brush him off, to hurt him, to land irreparable blows. But it was all in vain; he stuck by you. You admired how he stood up for you, for your relationship, whatever that meant. He didn’t back down, even though you knew he genuinely cared what you thought. He was willing to put everything on the line just to be with you, in whatever capacity you would allot him. And today, he had chosen you again. He had picked a fight with his mother and chosen you. He placed you above being safe and comfortable and at home right now.

“I’m sorry, this must seem so stupid to be complaining about. I know I don’t have it that bad, it’s just that--”

“No, your problems are valid, too. Your mom sucks.” You told him and he laughed, “But I would be lying if I said it wasn’t...weird to have someone be given the choice to stay instead of being yelled at to get out and that you’re worthless and---I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make this about me.” You said softly, looking down at your hands.

“No, I get it. It’s gotta be on your mind a lot, the uncertainty. Plus, I don’t mind talking about you.” He nudged your shoulder with his own, trying to be playful but you knew he meant that. He always put you first. You couldn’t help your next impulse as your hand shot up to cup his face and you leaned in and kissed him roughly. You weren’t entirely sure why you had done it. It would probably change everything and you couldn’t tell if you were doing it selfishly to feel like someone cared or to keep him around or because you truly wanted to. Of course, he kissed you back, and the feeling it gave you pushed a lot of those doubts from your mind.

You're the best listener that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

What took me so long?

*~~~~*

The kiss in the field still didn’t mean you were “together.” Realistically, it complicated things for a while. You avoided Brian for a couple of days and didn’t discuss it when you finally caved in to your desire to see him. He didn’t bring it up either, even though there were many times he would look at your lips like he wanted to make a move again, but you never talked about it. Things began to look “normal” after about two weeks. You spent time at the record shop, or under the bleachers with your friends or in the library with his friends. He nagged you about giving up smoking and you finally listened, much to his surprise.

“What made you finally decide to quit?” He asked, looking at the nicotine patch on your arm. You shrugged, not wanting to tell him the truth.

“I guess I just finally got tired of you being a broken record, mother hen.” You teased him, but he just smiled because he was happy with your choice. The truth of the matter was, you had done it for him. While you weren’t with him, you wanted to be. You didn’t want to keep doing something that bothered him so much, but you also knew that eventually, your habit of smoking would cost time with him and you didn’t want that. You lied to yourself that you didn’t want a relationship and weren’t thinking about a future with Brian, but you were. Every time he helped you study or encouraged you to do your best, the time your parents were out of town so he had made you his “specialty” of spaghetti in your kitchen, when you drove him around singing songs together on the radio...you thought about doing those things with him forever and instead of the fear you used to feel at such a thought, you felt happiness. You anticipated a future with him, something to look forward to.

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

I am aware now

*~~~~*

“It’s kind of weird, yeah. But they’re cute together, I guess.” You had just returned from a movie with Bender and Claire. You were surprised at how long their relationship had lasted, especially since you had hated Claire at first. You assumed she was dating Bender as a statement, but it had been over six months and they were still together and it just seemed to work.

“It must be nice to have someone like that. Even if they don’t make sense, they care about each other. It just must be a nice thing to have a relationship like that.” Brian looked at you for a moment before backpedaling, realizing he must have made it sound like he was guilt-tripping you. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you out again. I really just was complimenting them--”

“Well, maybe you should.” You cut him off.

You realized how rare a find like Brian truly was. He always put you before himself; he listened to all of your problems and knew when to offer solutions and when to just listen. He was endlessly supportive, and kind. He kept taking giant risks just to be with you, to show you that you mattered to him. You knew, without him saying it, that he loved you. Why else would someone go to the lengths he did, just to make you happy? You had tried everything to shake him, to get rid of him so neither one of you would be in too deep to get hurt. But he stayed, and now, you wouldn’t want him to go anyway. It was too late; you were both already in too deep.

He just blinked at you, sure he had heard incorrectly. “Wh-what?”

“I said, maybe you should. Ask me out again.”

“Y/N, do you want to go out with me?” He asked, unsure. It felt like a setup, but he knew you wouldn’t do something so cruel to him.

“Yes.” You replied, softly.

“Why?” He asked with furrowed eyebrows.

“I don’t know. I guess you won me over.” You chuckled, but he failed to see the humor in it, so you changed to a more serious tone. “Brian, I thought that these feelings would go away, that you would go away. Lord knows how hard I’ve tried to push you. But...you didn’t and the feelings didn’t. I-I love you. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to keep loving you, I don’t want to waste my time with anyone else. And...And I think that you love me.”

“I do.” He breathed quietly, with zero hesitation.

“So, why fight it any more? I was afraid that I would hurt you, but I think I’ve already done that and you’ve stuck around.” He nodded in confirmation of that fact. “And I was scared that I would get hurt but...but I’ve realized that you won’t do that to me, either.”

You've already won me over in spite of me

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

He took your hands in his, “You’re serious? You really want this? Because, you know how I feel. How I’ve always felt.” You nodded in response, tears quickly filling your eyes, which was a rarity for you. He leaned in towards you to kiss you, for the first time since your conversation in the field over a month ago. He waited for you to be ready in every aspect of your relationship and you had never known so much love and respect before. It took some adjusting to, but he had pulled you in and made you fall for him again and again.

Just gonna tag my buddy...

@90sinequity