#not even in the fake fucking fictional world do people want to see us like not even in fiction can we exist bro god DAMN

[maximumkillshot]

I Won't Lose You- ICLY 7.5

Warnings: Cheater POV, a lot of not nice things are said. Definitely something to think about if you are sensitive to that type of subject matter, cursing, some air of grand diosity,

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Characters: Chris, Seungmin

A/N: So a lot of people have been wondering what Chan has been thinking... Welp... You get what you wish for... even though it ain't pretty.  I wanted to punch him writing it. This is after Chris gets banned from the hospital room. Since it is following him and not the reader, I decided to give it a different name, with the annotation being 7.5. Happy anger management people!

ALL THE SKZ IRL ARE CINNAMON ROLLS THIS IS A FICTION- IT'S FAKE.

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BEFORE:

Han looked up at Bin, trying to will himself not to cry. The both of you are so sweet, so kind. He could see the weight on Bin’s shoulders, crushing him. He could see it in his head, Bin keeping everything bad from crashing on top of you, his arms outstretched, using his whole body as a shield. Han knew that if it meant keeping you safe, Bin would carry the world. That’s what separated Bin from Chris. 

Both may be fond of you. Only one has ever put your safety over everything. Only one ever made you feel heard and seen. Only one ever made you laugh until you cried. Only one would take off work to take care of you when you’re sick. Only one made you understand that there is no priority above you. Only one would calm you with just a touch. Only one truly loves you with their heart and soul. That “only one” was in the bed with you right now. 

Han watched, eventually just letting the tears fall as Bin held you saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, I’m sorry. I love you… I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me.”

That was the first time Changbin had ever let himself say it out loud, “I love you so much it hurts…I Can’t Lose You.”

NOW:

Chan’s POV:

I have never seen Y/N like that. A part of me wants to say that it was something that was a freak accident, that Soo and I were a freak accident. We weren’t. Y/N deserves to know that, to have it acknowledged. I want to scream that I regret it, that I want to take it all back, that I wanted to erase it all. That would be a lie.

You can’t regret something that you actually initiated. I don’t regret what I did. I wanted a release, I got a release. I wanted to feel exhilaration, I got it. What I am sorry for is getting caught. Of course I’d never say this out loud but, the truth is my marriage was a means to an end. She loves me, of course… and I love her… to an extent. I loved it when she would perk up when I came home, or be passed out on the couch, waiting for me to come home. In a lot of ways, Y/N is like a puppy. She would do all the tricks in the book to make me happy. If she was lucky, she’d get rewarded. 

 There is an even more fucked up part of me that is relieved that she knows. Sneaking around wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was making it look like I was with the boys when I wasn’t. Y/N is so close to the boys it was a pain in the ass, all it would’ve taken was one text and right there my cover would be blown. I know that I can come back from this, though. Soo never held a candle to my wife. I just told Soo whatever she wanted to hear. I made it worth it for her to do what she wanted… what we wanted, who am I kidding, I wanted it. 

Everything is still so raw, she’s not really going to leave. I know she told me when we started dating, but I know that I can prove myself to her. She is the type to really believe that everyone is good inherently. It was something that I used to every advantage, if I’m honest. I’m obviously better than Changbin. I make more, I am more level headed… obviously… I am willing to do whatever I need to make sure I get what I want. How could she want anyone else? That’s like trading in a top of the line Ferrari for a beat up 1999 Taurus. Plus, she always gives people second chances. This is all one giant hiccup.

While the rest of the boys and I filed into the elevator, I heard her voice. She was so scared, I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying, it was so meek, fragile… weak. That’s really the only downside to her. She is weak. Her emotions get the better of her always. Given, what happened would make anyone go crazy, but at the end of the day, she can’t keep control over her emotions. She is the type of person to read a room and follow the tone of the room. She isn’t a trendsetter, a leader. The only reason why the boys are the way that they are is because she is hurt. Something about their “white knight” complexes. Honestly I could puke just thinking about it. While they were playing games, painting, or just practicing on vocal technique, I was ensuring their continued employment. That will never change about her though. She folds under pressure. Like a skeleton with no spine. Sometimes it was exhausting, others amusing; that’s the biggest tell as to her coming back. She has no spine without me. She needs me… just like everyone else. 

Knowing the woman Y/N is I knew that for her to be this way, she had to hurt so badly. It ripped my heart out, seeing her finding comfort in another person, almost as much as knowing that I was the one to do all of it to her. It made me look so bad, to everyone. Hearing Changbin call out to Han that she was slipping, I’ve never heard a voice like that before. I’ve never heard screams like hers. I should’ve never tested her, calling our child “it”. She has been trying so hard, comforting me non-stop, that it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen, that she’ll be on top of it. To let me know in the cutest way. Nothing’s more cute than finding out on your third anniversary that your family is going to get bigger. 

It hurt me saying that, calling them “it”, that was exactly why I knew it would get the job done. I needed to peel her away from Changbin without touching her, but it worked a little too well. Why was I punsihing her, punishing them? I think the answer to that is simple. I don’t want the attention on me. Which is counterintuitive, given my natural tendencies. Right now, in this moment, I don’t want to be acknowledged. The way that they see me right now threatens everything I worked for, and it looks like everyone chose their side to stand on. Me giving them more of a chance to hate me is only going to make my job down the road harder.

I think some of the boys could tell. I am royally pissed. I got caught, which for one is annoying, but for all of them to take her side? That was infuriating. I spent so long honing them, training them. I always protected them, supported them. It is infuriating to have people that you did everything for to just dismiss you. Why were’nt they comforting me? That child was mine too. Why am I not getting any condolences? Hell, when we had no money to eat, I wouldn’t eat just so the 8 could have something… anything. The days I went to bed starving, the nights I worked around the clock to give them the opportunities that they now take advantage of. 

This is how they repay me? Screaming at me left and right, Changbin threatening to kill me, even Felix turned his back. I just fucked a side piece… I mean I know what that caused is on me. That I was responsible for what happened to our child. If I could feel like I was attached I am sure I would’ve been a wreck. Something that was mine being taken away does that to a person like me. One thing is for sure, I truly never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to look bad, hurting her would do that, and so I made sure to tread lightly, my go to’s being, “I know Baby, I’m sorry,” and “What time is it? Shit Baby I’m so sorry.”

That didn’t stop me to wanting to have my own little thing. My own little secret. It was a different type of high that I didn’t know I craved… needed. It’s no doubt that Soo did feel better in bed. I could tell she knew what she was doing. Y/N had no experience before me and that did a wonder for my corruption kink, but after that… It was like pulling teeth. I had to teach her everything, so every time we we’d sleep together I had to act like I liked the fact that she’s so innocent. Which I do, but I also don’t want to have to have a health class every time I wanted to have sex. Soo wasn’t like that. She knew what she was doing. Hmmm… maybe I’ll clean up the house and finish what we started. 

In the elevator, no one wanted to say anything. I didn’t want to say anything either, I didn’t want to make anything worse than it is. It’s a unique empty feeling. Y/N would look at me like I hung the moon itself. The feelings that she gave me, I was seen, heard, and loved. Constantly reassured. I can’t live without that validation. The minute I walked out of the elevator I didn’t even look back, all I said was “Take care of her. Do what I didn’t, she needs you. Call me if you need anything.” That made me feel a little better, giving them an order, felt like the last say in a way. 

It was Seungmin’s voice that cut through, I heard him stop the elevator with is arm, “That was never a question, we’ve always taken care of her, don’t wait up. We all know you’re not used to being the one waiting for someone. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.” My lip upticked at his comment. Mostly because I didn’t imagine Seungmin to have balls like that and another was that I didn’t have a rebuttal. I always have a rebuttal. He’s right though, I always kept her waiting, not the other way around. It always made me feel important, that she needed me to go to bed well, that she craved to feel me.Yet now I find myself willing to wait an eternity if it meant being able to hold her one more time, to have her cook for me, then to cuddle up and pass out together, all of that shit I see as a waste of time. To think I hate needing someone yet here I am, needing her. 

I kept walking after I heard the elevator close. By the time I made it to the car I was trying my hardest not to collapse. My wife was in that hospital, fighting for her life, after I caused her to miscarry, a baby we have been wanting since our first anniversary. I am enraged. I’ve never felt so out of control and it’s driving me crazy. I am always in control. That is the only way that I function. It is something that I pride myself on. Now everything is out of place everyone stepped out of line. All I have to do is get them back in their rightful place… Then we can move on. 

 I’ve never imagined anyone else as the mother of my children, she is giving enough to focus on them while I work on my career. It’s always been Y/N. That thought was the one that made me slam my door a little too hard. She’s going to come back, she’ll be back. She will have my child, we will be happy… When everyone is in their place. 

I tried to distract myself as I went home. It felt like an out of body experience, seeing myself in the rearview mirror, hating the person I saw, just for the sole fact of getting caught. It was such a rookie move. I should’ve known that there was something going on when everyone said they were out for the night. No matter how loud I made the radio, I heard noting but her screams. I wanted to blame someone, get the pain as far away from me as possible, trying to make me out to be the good one. I’m not. The only things I’m good at are music and acting. I could still see the little glances she’d give me, convincing herself that I am just busy. She is so trusting, it honestly baffles me. Just another sign that she’s weak.

I wanted to make it her fault. She shouldn’t be so naive. Seeing Soo disappearing at the same time I am? The way that I couldn’t really look her in the eye for most of last month? She should’ve told me sooner. Maybe if she did that our child would still be here. That’s not even including how I’ve had to keep Soo on a shorter leash than anyone, her face gives so much away. The first time she hung out with us I had to take her to another room and tell her to get it together because she almost started crying in front of Y/N. I know that people will say that’s not fair, What part about anything that I’ve done screamed ‘oh this is reasonable’? None. It’s been so long I’ve been doing this that I don’t even remember how all of this started. Ah I remember now.

I guess a year ago it started off with me venting to Soo. I didn’t know why we weren’t conceiving. We timed out the cycles, we did everything correctly, but still it wasn’t happening. If I told the boys I know I would look weaker for it and I didn’t want Y/N to be even more stressed about getting pregnant. Soo validated my feelings and told me that she was always there for me. That was the first mistake. I should’ve gone to Y/N. After a while it went from talking when I was aggravated to talking daily. 

I looked forward to those calls so badly. It felt like a little interaction that was all mine. Making her laugh made me feel like when I used to get Y/N to laugh. The butterflies came soon after that, seeing that I got a form of attention I didn’t realize I was missing. About two months ago she told me that she was seeing me as “not just my friends husband”. That made my heart leap in my chest. I should’ve avoided her like the plague after that, I should’ve gone to my wife, but not only would that make her mad, it’d also make sneaking around harder. I did something worse.

“Good to know it’s not one sided.” I felt the words drip out of my mouth, even recounting it makes me a little excited. I turn onto my street and I heard Soo’s voice in my head, “Chris...” I knew it was wrong, I fucking knew it was, “I know. I know it’s wrong.” Then hearing her say, “What if she finds out?” with a giggle. “We’ll be discreet.”

We met up that night. I wanted to scrub myself head to toe, till my skin bled, making sure her scent was gone completely. It was so thrilling, so different, and I hated that I liked it. I liked it so much I knew I had to do it again, and soon too. Every time I came home Y/N was either passed out on the couch or in our bed. Notes left on the counter full of how much she loves me. I still remember the first one from that same night, “I know how forgetful you get in the studio, made extra of your favorite, it’s in the fridge, missed you-XOXO Y/N/N.” I looked at her form on the couch, clearly trying to stay up to see me. I ran to the bathroom to vomit, it made me anxious. I knew that I was playing with a downgraded version of my wife. If anything went wrong, I’d be left with the dollar store version of Y/N. For some reason that anxiety turned to exhiliration. The longer it went on for, the more comfortable I got of having my cake and eating it too. 

She never did anything wrong. I asked for space, she gave me space. I asked for anything and she would do it in a heartbeat. She always wanted me happy and stress free. After a while I made it okay in my head by saying that she wants me to be happy and having both make me happy so it’s okay. I know better, I always knew better. 

 I always got up too early, that way I didn’t afford myself time to see the person that I love in one of my favorite ways to see her, happy and sleeping. The last few days I gave myself that. Feeling the guilt eat me alive, rightfully so. I felt guilty for putting all of this on the line, putting her on the line, not for her, but what losing her means to me. I’d practice my apology while she slept, “I’m so sorry, I love you.” 

If it wasn’t for the boys being there, I could’ve had a better handle on her. I could’ve reiterated that practiced apology over and over. I could’ve kept the control I spent years making, which is really the most fucked up thing about all of this. I was in training for almost 10 fucking years, I finally get the perfect group of people who followed perfectly without question. Then Changbin goes ahead and goes soft for Y/N. She’s gorgeous, I know, she’s funny, and kind, but she was also making Bin step out of line a bit. Every time she was around, he would try to take point, try to be the center of attention. At first I thought that it was Bin trying to be cute. When he asked me how he could ask her out a few months after this started, I felt my stomach drop. She threatened everything I worked for. So I spewed some bullshit to make him question himself a bit more while I figured out what to do. 

Some wouldn’t see this as a problem. I am not some. I only let my members have center because I permitted it. If I threw myself in the spotlight always, it would look off. So I made myself into the best, most supportive leader, the leader of the 4th generation, how can you get bigger than that? The perfect wife… Y/N. It was perfect, if I had her, not only would I have more control over Bin, but I’d also have the perfect little family one day. That was when I decided to ask her out after getting her separated enough from Bin. Which wasn’t too hard. There were some unseen snags but overall it was easy. Keeping her is going to be just as easy. When she’s healed. Then everyone will fall back in line.

I pull in to my driveway and go to the door. Once I opened up the door, Bins clothes covered in blood were there, taunting me. I walked further into the house, I looked on the mantle, the picture from our wedding hung there. I remember that day, that gorgeous day. I threw it away. That woman with the most infectious smiles, the woman who’d hold me so close during horror movies. I found myself grabbing that picture, I dragged my finger over her face. I heard her voice, “I love you”, and I collapsed on the floor, right next to the clothes, sobbing, clutching the photo. She was so perfect. 

I got so mad at that point. I shouldn’t be crying, SHE ISN’T LEAVING ME. I can fix her just like I fixed everything else around me. My perfect wife, My perfect group, MINE.  

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[starlightseraph]

sighhhhh…

i saw a post claiming that being uncomfortable with some of the wild rpf blogs is homophobia (or rather, that we’re only so uncomfortable with the rabid david/michael shipping because they’re both men, and not by georgia/anna stuff because they’re women), and i find that very funny.

firstly, most of us are queer to begin with, and while being queer doesn’t mean you can’t be discriminatory to other queer people, it’s important to mention.

secondly, the reason no one’s weirded out over georgia and anna is because no one is actually shipping them. it is very clearly all a joke. the whole making out thing (which i’ve now seen brought up as evidence that we’re not as uncomfortable with f/f rpf) is literally in response to neil gaiman’s tumblr joke about dottie and sadie, who are fake characters that he uses to deflect from people wanting spoilers. the fandom has imagined them as being played by georgia and anna. they won’t be, because dottie and sadie aren’t actual characters in any fictional work. no one’s saying that georgia and anna, the real people, should make out, we’re making a joke about a fake storyline that only exists in several posts on tumblr.

we’re not grossed out because the the david/michael shipping is m/m. we’re grossed out because these are real people that are being treated like puppets to serve some fantasy. not hypothetical characters created for the purpose of a gag that will never be in any official form of media. not characters in a show who don’t actually exist. actual fucking humans.

rpf stands for real person fiction. fiction. i’m not even sure this qualifies as rpf anymore; no one’s treating it as a fun, made-up story, they’re presenting it as an “investigation” into the real lives of real people. people who are strangers, people who we know almost nothing about.

rpf very often morphs into this, and i really think it’s in a class of its own.

it’s one thing to write silly little stories on ao3 using the names and personalities and likenesses of real people, it’s a completely different thing to dissect every single thing you see about someone and to come to a conclusion that just so happens to perfectly fit your ideal of their lives.

i find even the purely fictional rpf to be a bit strange and uncomfortable, but i don’t have any real moral objections to it. when it bleeds into reality, though, and the wishful thinking of fans presents as a vast, complex conspiracy, that’s straight up creepy. like i won’t even go into why it’s creepy, it should be obvious. celebrities are genuinely afraid of people like this. they’re afraid of the rumours, they’re afraid of stalkers, they feel like they can’t even have innocent fun without it being “proof” that their marriage is just for show. they hate it. i hope all these blogs know that david and michael would all but certainly be very unamused by all of this. they’d probably be a bit terrified, and also embarrassed that anything they did could possibly be interpreted in these ways. no celebrity ever signs up for this, the extent of the obsession some people have is impossible to comprehend until it’s in front of you. even if they’re used to it by now, why, in the name of god, would you pile on?

please, touch grass. smell the roses. leave the parasocial echo chamber. do something to reacquaint yourselves with the real world and how real people function. if you’re really fans, leave them and their loved ones alone.

[antimony-medusa]

As we all engage with the Egg arc on QSMP, I know we're all having a fun time talking about how emotionally devastating it all is, but I have seen some concerning takes about this, so I want to also reiterate that it is fiction. It's not real.

You can have real emotions about fiction (talk to any D&D player whos run a long campaign about this), but it is essentially fake, it is something you can box up and put away. And if you think you can't tell the difference between a fictional roleplay and real life child death, you need to step away.

Cause like, I have been seeing people comparing egg deaths to real life tragedies, and like. Guys. That's just offensively disrespectful. I do not want Chayanne to die. I'm team "storm heaven and get all the eggs back". I want the happy dragon ending. I have also had real life children die in my life and equating a pixel egg despawning to that makes me actually mad. We can have fun with it but this is fiction and you need to be clear to yourself that it is fiction. The QSMP admins are not "responsible to give you a happy ending" because it is essentially not real, they are ethically responsible for how they treat people in the real world (the players and the admins) not for what happens in the story they are telling.

There are two aspects of this that are important. The first is the most basic. Fiction is not real. It's lies we tell ourselves recreationally. No real people were harmed. No one actually died. The egg's admins are fine and now playing league of legends on stream. You can have real emotions about fiction, but you can also take comfort in the fact that the bad thing didn't actually happen. This allows you to engage with topics that you would never want to happen in real life (horror media, for example), in an entertaining way. Fiction is a safe spot to explore really concerning topics, whether that's something you're afraid of, something that has happened to you, or something that you'd never want to see happen in real life but it scratches that brain itch. And that isn't intended to say that you have to be comfortable with every topic in fiction. Suicide themes even in fiction are too close to real life for me, so I stay away from them. You get to set your own comfort levels with what fiction you're comfortable with. And that leads into my second point. The essense of fiction is that you are opting into it. Except in vanishingly rare cases, if you are engaging with something fictional, you are giving ongoing consent to engaging with the story by continuing to watch/read/listen to it. At any point you can tap out and step away, back into real life. You have the power to control your experience and say "yes I am watching this" or "no I do not want to engage with this actually". You can take the headphones off. You are an active player in how you deal with the fictional story, and if it gets too much for you, you get to step away. You get to write fanfiction and it is just as real as the original. If someone is dying in real life, no amount of blocked terms and telling your friends not to discuss it is going to keep it from happening. It is inescapable. It happens to you, it is enacted on you, you are a passive figure and you have no control. The only thing you have a control over is how you react to it, and this is why a huge element of grief is the powerlessness.

You have power over fiction. You can opt out of it. And if you can't tell the difference between a fake story and real events, a) you need to do work on that, because there is a lot of really upsetting content in fiction that is going to fuck you up, b) you need to step away from the fake story that is doing harm to you, and use that power that fiction gives you to opt out of it. Block terms. Unfollow people. Go do something in real life. Fiction is not real.

[teecupangel]

It's me, the ratatouille AU anon again djjshd

The only thing that would make this even better is that Desmond hears US, the player, also. The amount of times I called him babygirl, or pretty little angel, or my special little boy. He'd be both horrified and flattered.

Also calling Juno a gnarly ghost lookin-ass bitch. I'm sorry Desmond, I know this is serious business but I can't look at her for longer than 5 seconds.

Hello, Ratatouille AU nonny! For those unfamiliar with it, here’s the post where Desmond’s ancestors can hear Desmond as he ‘controls’ them.

“Let me get this straight…” Shaun rubbed the bridge of his nose as he tried to understand the Bleeding Episode currently plaguing Desmond this time around, “You hear voices that’s not your ancestors or anyone they might have known. And you know they’re talking to you because…”

“They call me babygirl.” Desmond said calmly.

Too calmly.

Like the calm of a man who had given up all his sanity and has reached a zen state of craziness.

Rebecca furiously looked over all the documents they have about the Bleeding Effect that Lucy had given them.

Shit.

How accurate were these anyway considering Lucy’s true allegiance? 

These could all be fake or some of the important stuff could have been omitted like…

Desmond’s current situation.

“And… what do these voices tell you?” Shaun asked, curious enough to continue even though he could feel a migraine already coming.

“Uuuhh…” Desmond tilted his head slightly before saying, “Dad’s the worst father in these games and I should just beat the crap out of him… Juno’s a gnarly ghost and wants to enslave people after killing me… uuuhh…”

“Wait, wait, wait, what ‘games’?” Shaun asked.

“Oh.” Desmond blinked, looking like he actually just forgot to tell them that big bombshell, “We’re apparently game characters of this franchise called Assassin’s Creed and… uuuhh… I’m their bestest boi in the modern day setting.”

“Modern day setting…” Shaun repeated before asking, “Are you telling me that our entire existence is… fictional? We don’t exist? We’re just characters in this… video game franchise?”

“Oh crap.” Rebecca mumbled, realizing that Shaun was on the verge of an existential crisis. 

Fuck.

Of course the conspiracy theorist would latch on to that idea almost immediately!

“Shaun-”

“Pretty much.” Desmond shrugged before adding, “If it makes you feel any better, you and Rebecca are pretty much the only regulars of the modern day setting.”

“Oh, so our very existence have already been taken care of then? We’re just little puppets-” 

Rebecca sighed and ignored Shaun’s rant to ask Desmond, “So? Did these voices tell you anything at all on what’s going to happen after we save the world?” 

“Oh, yeah, about that…” Desmond turned to look at Rebecca as he said, “They told me to let the world burn… just to see how it goes and…”

“... as a treat.”

(Let’s be honest, guys, if we were given the ability to talk to Desmond, we’ll be such capricious ‘gods’.)

[lucidlivi]

Chosen For Pleasure (XII)

Series Masterlist/Warnings

Tag List: @ladysparkles78 @suckitands33 @little-x-wolf @stoneyggirl2 @creative-writing92 @jc-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @lessons-of-red @jamerlynn @deans-spinster-witch @kazsrm67 @deans-baby-momma @willow-sages @ritz-hell-hotel @perpetualabsurdity @mhessellund @itzabbyxx @chriszgirl92 @abbybarnesstuff @larrem88 @commonsenseishard @impalaspixie @notsogoofyjelly @hzllxhoundxx @taylortots-world @k-slla @heavenlyackles @spnfamily-j2 @buckybarnes-1917 @foxyjwls007 @spnbaby-67 @readingsins @lauraashley93 @antisocialcorrupt @anixiiee @jackles010378 @alternativeprincess @rosecentury (I love that half the battle of writing my updates is writing the tag list! I'm so grateful for all the love you guys have shown me and this fiction! If you would like to be added please send me a message or an ask so I can easily look back on them, there are too many names for me to keep track of!)

a emotional roller coaster of a chapter, you ain't ready..

"is that.."

"Elle."

oh you've got to be kidding.

"Jensen?" I questioned trying to get his attention.

He has yet to take his eyes off the blonde, as she clung to an older gentleman talking to another couple.

I instantly felt jealousy burning through my entire body.

"Jensen." I snapped.

He finally tore his eyes away, meeting my own.

"are you okay?" I asked hesitantly.

He took a deep breath before plastering a smile on his face. I could tell it was fake.

"yeah, I won't let this ruin our night." He said.

Why didn't I believe him?

Jared once again gave him an apologetic look. Jensen took my hand, walking in the opposite direction of Elle.

Jensen gripped my hand tightly pulling me through the crowds of people.

"J hang on." I said stopping us.

He turned to me hesitantly.

"you're not okay, I can see it." I spoke.

"I'm fine." He was quick to defend.

"why don't I believe you?"

Jensen ran a hand over his jaw letting out a frustrated sigh.

"I let that girl ruin my life for a long time, I don't want her to ruin tonight too. I'm here with you, I want to enjoy tonight with you." Jensen said emphasizing the word you.

I felt like we were just sweeping the issue under the rug, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to enjoy the night with him too.

"okay." I breathed reluctantly.

Jensen offered me a smile as he snagged two champagne glasses off a serving tray being passed around. I sipped it hesitantly as my eyes traveled around the room, looking for the blonde girl. Jensen led me over to a table where Jared and Genevieve sat with other members of the cast. I offered Gen a smile as we took the spot next to them. Jensen conversed with Jared and Misha as if he wasn't bothered by the situation at all.

So why was I?

I felt like we were just pretending, something I'd never been good at.

I tried my best too though, I chatted with cast, sipped champagne and even picked at the fancy dinner. I felt myself start to loosen up, even if just a little bit.

"may I have this dance?" Jensen asked extending a hand out to me.

"of course." I smiled placing my hand in his.

Jensen led us over to the dance floor, a slow song coming from the band on stage. He wrapped one arm around my waist, his other hand held mine as we swayed back and forth to the music.

"you really do look beautiful tonight." Jensen smiled.

"you clean up well too." I laughed.

It was silent for a moment until I spoke up.

"I apologize if I freaked you out earlier with my confession." I whispered before biting my lip.

"I'm not freaked out, flattered actually." he quickly spoke.

"flattered?"

"a sweet girl like you being in love with a fuck up like me, I don't know what I did to make that happen." he spoke quietly.

"Jensen you don't seriously think you're a fuck up do you?" I asked grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at me.

"oh I think I'm completely fucked up." He said with a painful laugh.

"I think we're all a little fucked up." I said.

"I'm just thankful you put up with me."

"yeah well I've always liked a bit of a challenge." I smirked.

He laughed as he pulled me closer, wrapping both arms around me. I felt completely at peace slow dancing with him. It was as if we were the only two people around. It just felt so right being with him. For once I forgot about everything wrong about us and just focused on the right here right now. I held on to him tightly as if as soon as I let him go he'd float away.

I was completely and irrevocably in love with this man.

I sighed as the song ended, longing for the moment to last. Jensen leaned down, placing his lips to my forehead in a gentle kiss.

"I'm happy you're here with me tonight." Jensen spoke.

We walked back towards the group. I wore a real smile for once tonight.

"I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back." I said kissing Jensen's cheek gently.

I was thankful there was no wait in the bathroom. I quickly did what I came there to do before going to the sink to wash my hands. I wiped off some excess lip gloss and glanced at myself one last time in the mirror.

I could suddenly feel someone come up beside me. I saw blonde locks out of the corner of my eye. I didn't need to look at her to know who it was.

Elle.

I took a deep breath mentally cursing the world.

"with the billionaire Jensen Ackles, lucky girl." she spoke uncapping lipstick and swiping it on her over lined lips.

I hesitantly turned my body to face the last person in the world I wanted to see.

"Elle, but I have a feeling you already knew that." she introduced.

"no, you know what I don't think your name has come up." I said crossing my arms.

"If only I believed that, I just had to meet the girl that Jensen was so smitten with."

"well now you have, and now I'll be going." I growled turning to leave.

I didn't want to be in her presence another second.

"he looks amazing tonight, maybe I'll have to go say hi."

I stopped in my tracks at her words. I clenched my hands into fists at my sides. I really wanted to knock this girl out right now.

"as if he would even talk to you." I growled turning my body back towards her.

"I think you underestimate the power I have over him. If I wanted him to, he'd come running back to me in a heartbeat."

I felt my heart shatter at her words. I knew she was just trying to get under my skin, but part of me wondered if she was right.

"yeah well he's not a toy you can play with and drop when you get bored." I growled.

"of course not, I did love to play with him though, you know he is the best kisser."

I could feel the rage building inside of me with each word she spoke.

"oh wait I forgot, you wouldn't know, my bad."

"are you trying to intimidate me, cause it isn't working."

"intimidate you? oh no, I just want to know who my competition is." Elle said before departing from the restroom.

Competition? What the hell was she talking about?

I quickly escaped the bathroom making my way through the crowds of people. I could feel my chest tightening as my breathing became sporadic. I needed some fresh air. Jensen immediately noticed my departure as he pushed through the crowd after me.

I kept walking, even as the night air hit my face. I had to get out of there.

"wait, (y/n) please stop." Jensen called running to catch up with me.

I kept walking, ignoring his protests. He finally caught me, making me turn to face him.

"I want to go home." I said choking back the tears that threatened to spill out any moment.

"what did Elle say to you?"

"nothing just drop it." I growled.

"no I'm not going to drop it, what did she say?"

"Jensen please."

"I thought we weren't keeping secrets from each other? I thought we'd moved past all this?"

"don't you get it, we can't move past all of this until you move past her!" I yelled throwing my hands in the air.

"what the hell are you talking about?"

"do you still love her?" I asked, letting a few tears slip.

"what no of course I don't love her." Jensen scoffed.

"is that why you won't kiss me?"

Jensen looked as if I had just slapped him in the face.

"no that's not why, I thought you understood." Jensen growled

"I thought I did too, but now I'm not so sure." I whispered turning my body away from him.

"don't do this please." Jensen begged coming to stand in front of me.

I let another tear slide down my cheek as I stared at him.

"please just take me home." I whispered.

Jensen looked hurt as he opened the door to the limo allowing me to slide in. It was silent as Cole drove us back to Jensen's, a van that contained the extra security guards led the way.

I don't know why I let her have this power over me.

Actually I did.

It was because I was terrified that she was right. I was terrified that if she called, he'd go running. Jensen said it himself, he was prepared to spend his life with her. Elle had manipulated him once, something told me if she really wanted she could do it again.

"you know we're going to have to talk about this at some point." Jensen said, lifting a wine bottle to his lips taking a swig.

I didn't respond, just continued to stare out the window.

"I don't care about Elle anymore, not since I met you. God you're all I think about. Why can't you see that? You're everything to me." Jensen spoke.

I let the tears fall freely from my eyes. I hesitantly glanced at him, but he was already staring at me.

"I don't kiss you because I'm afraid that once I do, you'll realize how much better off you are without me, and I can't stand to lose you. (y/n) I'm so in love with you." Jensen whispered, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

I cried as I wrapped my arms around him. He squeezed me tightly, as if he were afraid of letting me go. It was everything I had ever wanted to hear from him. He loved me.

"Jensen, I could never be better off without you. No one has ever made me feel even a fraction of what you make me feel." I said placing a hand on his cheek.

Jensen leaned his forehead down on mine, looking at my lips. I could tell how nervous he was.

"if we do this, no going back." Jensen whispered, his lips dangerously close to mine.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Jensen's lips brushed mine slowly. I felt my pulse increase. I had waited for this moment, dreamt of it.

"Mr. Ackles, you should come look at this." Cole spoke up from the front seat sounding worried.

Jensen pulled away quickly. I let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding.

"stay here." He ordered.

I watched as Jensen and Cole got out of the limo, the security guards dispersed around the property. I could see them looking at something but I couldn't see what. Jensen looked distressed. I disobeyed him, getting out of the limo.

"oh my god." I gasped.

Jensen and Cole stood in front of my car. It had been destroyed. I saw the tires had been slashed, and the windshield smashed in. I could see key marks on the hood as well as various dents. I didn't even recognize it as my car with all the damage done to it.

However the most haunting thing was the words He's Mine spray painted in white along the side.

Riley.

"I'm getting (y/n) out of here, find her Cole." Jensen growled.

Jensen grabbed my hand pulling me to one of his cars. He quickly opened the door, so I could get in before running around to get in as well. He started up the car, speeding out of his garage and down the road.

"where are we going?" I asked fearful.

"somewhere nobody else knows about." He spoke.

He pressed down on the accelerator speeding up even more. I looked at him as he gripped the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles turned white.

"Jensen slow down, you're scaring me." I said gripping the door handle and slinking back in to the seat.

"I told you to stay in the car." He growled.

"Jensen please." I begged.

He glanced over at me, seeing I was incredibly scared. He quickly took his foot off the accelerator, slowing down.

"I don't know how she got in, she shouldn't have been able to get in the garage, I'm so sorry." Jensen apologized taking one of his hands off the wheel and grabbing my own.

I took a deep breath squeezing his hand.

He kept driving, not letting go of my hand. I looked out the window to see we were getting far away from the city, and heading up a mountain. It was at least another hour before Jensen finally stopped the car. I saw we were way in the woods at what appeared to be a cabin.

"it used to belong to my aunt and uncle." Jensen whispered.

"she won't find us here?" I asked worried.

"no, I promise." Jensen said getting out of the car, coming to open the door for me.

I got out, falling straight in to his arms.

"I'm scared Jensen." I admitted.

"I know baby, I'm so sorry." Jensen said running a hand through my hair.

I stood in his embrace for awhile before looking and meeting his eyes.

"I'm supposed to be protecting you, if anything ever happened to you because of me, I'd never be able to forgive myself." Jensen whispered.

I saw in his eyes that he was scared too. Not so much of Riley, but scared that she could have gotten to me.

"Jensen I love you." I said leaning my forehead against his.

"then kiss me."

Author Note:

AHHHHHHH IT'S HAPPENING! I REPEAT IT'S HAPPENING! I'm done playing with your feelings tonight, but make sure you come back so I can play with them some more cause we just getting started.... please show some love in the form of a heart, comment, reblog, and a follow! I appreciate all the love!

xoxo

Liv

Part (XIII)

[sweetpea-sprite]

magical classism/fantasy politics: the megapost

[ID: a screenshot of cassiopeia casting the manna in ni no kuni: wrath of the white witch. overlaid on top of the image is impact font text which reads “this will affect the / engineering industry i think”. end ID]

good evening everyone. i’m ruby sweetpea-sprite. i’m so fucking normal about ni no kuni’s fake politics. i refuse to be the only one so here i am creating a megapost about every little piece of lore about it so that others can join me. if you’re new here: um. welcome. kublai was a diversity hire. more on that later!

for a summary: non-magical people have been oppressed since nazcaa fell, due to sages being in power and refusing to let them develop their own technology, as they “believe it to be against the gods” (and want to keep their societal power). this, ultimately, culminated into a large reason why lucien became shadar and banned magic. the goal of this post is to compile evidence for these events like some kind of fictional history lesson. it is a long fucking post.

this post will be in sections because it’s a long fucking post. recommended reading before we start, though i will be including quotes so you don’t gotta (though tbh you should read the tales of wonder anyway. for fun): the tenth tale of wonder, the flying machine.

have fun!

part one: the wizard’s companion

this first section is going to be the longest section because there’s so much shit in this fucking book dude. okay. don’t expect all of these sections to be this long the wizard’s companion is just fucked up

if you’ve just come back from reading that tale of wonder. hi! how was it. do you believe me yet

if you did not read the tale of wonder: just so you know, the wizard’s companion is bigoted.

i want to preface this section with this is not horace’s fault i promise. almost certainly, the wizard’s companion has been updated over the ten thousand years since it was written, and nazcaa has various attributes that mean there is no way anyone from there wrote this stuff (more on this later) - even excluding the fact that, you know. we actually have a timeframe for the tenth tale of wonder taking place (as the drawings the man sees are implied to be leonardo da vinci’s flying machine sketches) and it is decidedly not nazcaan times.

whoever the sages were who updated the wizard’s companion, however. well they weren’t great. to summarise: they wanted to keep their place in society and keep it WELL, by suppressing all knowledge of technology ever.

let’s start with the tale of wonder. the tenth tale of wonder, the flying machine, is about a man who goes to ichi no kuni (oliver’s world, for those who don’t know) and discovers sketches of a flying machine done by a painter. he then traces those sketches and brings them back to build the contraption - however, he is stopped by a sage. the entire tale is like this, understand, which is why i recommend reading it, but here are some choice quotes, from pages 300-302 of the companion:

“Using a machine to achieve something that should only be achieved using magic is akin to poisoning this world. “Poison!? Why is it like poison?” “Magic may only be used by those who possess a pure heart and who have undergone the proper training. Wizards borrow some of nature’s power and use it to humans’ benefit. Only those with a pure heart, one uncorrupted by evil, are able to do this. Using machines to triumph over nature is not the behavior of the pure-hearted.” Now, what the sage meant was that anyone could use a machine to manipulate nature--even the untrained and the evil. Machines gave ordinary humans powers that only gods and wizards should have.

“Esteemed Sage, wasn’t magic originally intended to make our lives easier? If machines achieve the same effect, why shouldn’t we use them?” “Because machines can be used by the wrong people, for the wrong reasons,” replied the sage impatiently. But the young wizard was undeterred. “I have been to the other world, and I know how things work there. They have people called ‘scientists’--they are the ones who make the machines--and they work miracles! They are capable of mixing iron with other rare metals to create things called ‘alloys’ which are strong enough to plough even the rockiest of soil. You cannot deny that farmers’ lives are much easier as a result! “Surely you do not believe that all ‘scientists’ seek to improve people’s lives?” the sage snapped back. “Do you not think, perhaps, that some of them wish to use their machines to control people--to bend them to their will?” The young wizard was speechless for a moment, but he soon found his tongue again. “Couldn’t the same be said for magic? Aren’t there some people who seek to use magic to increase their own influence?”

so you can see where i’m coming from.

the comparisons to poison. putting wizards on the same level as gods. stating that only those with a pure heart are able to use magic (blatantly untrue). magic as a sacred thing that cannot be defiled. “Do you not think, perhaps, that some of them wish to use their machines to control people--to bend them to their will?” the sage says, while clearly controlling what non-wizards do with their resources. this tale is directly written on the side of the sage; at the end, when the young man finally builds a cloud sweeper, the final paragraphs say this:

Indeed, he was too captivated by the scenery to spare a thought for the effect his new magical machine would have on the world. Had he known what impact it would have, you can be sure he would not have been quite so elated!

what impact?? there’s no impact i can find. cloud sweepers just exist. they help non-wizards travel. the only impact it could possibly be referencing is perhaps the start of people making more technology, inspired by this guy’s cloud sweepers. which, yeah. i guess the wizard’s companion would be upset about that.

technology, and wizards shunning it, is a large part of the wizard’s companion. this tale is the most egregious example, but there are more areas if you know where to look. we’ll come back to the tale of wonder in a moment, but for now, on the topic of cloud sweepers and how much the sages hate them, take a look at the first means of transportation section - page 129.

Non-wizards have long been forced to rely on vehicles to carry them to their destinations. This section aims to introduce some of the more common modes of transportation currently in use. All wizards are advised to read the information contained herein, for one cannot predict when circumstance--nixing, dismemberment, or wand loss, to name but three--might necessitate the use of such infernal contraptions as those here described.

note the PHRASING. non-wizards are forced to rely on vehicles. dismemberment as one of the circumstances, like you’d have to lose an arm to even consider this. and the most damning - “infernal” contraptions. they fucking hate these things

after that introductory paragraph, it does not get better: it goes on to describe cloud sweepers, in a rather bitter tone:

Wizards, of course, do not require magical assistance to fly through the air. Indeed, in times gone by, wizards would not have countenanced travel by any means other than broom. Alas, the age has changed, and now young wizards insist on using half-magical, half-mechanical contraptions known as “Cloud Sweepers.” Cloud Sweepers require only the merest dash of magic to get them off the ground, meaning that inexperienced magic users--and even non-wizards!--are able to ride them with gay abandon.

and even non-wizards! it says, with shock and horror. dear god... who let the non-wizards travel quickly and safely. this is going against the laws of nature

outside of cloud sweepers, in the second means of transportation section, this continues. with... boats. BOATS. THEY MAKE FUN OF NON-WIZARDS USING BOATS!!! PAGE 147:

Non-wizards rely upon ships to carry them across the world’s oceans. Indeed, many dream of owning their own vessels, imagining the “freedom” this would offer them.

freedom is IN QUOTES. THEY’RE MAKING FUN OF YOU FOR YOUR LITTLE BOAT RIDES!!! in all seriousness, these authors genuinely view non-wizards as inferior. they believe they will never have true freedom; always confined to the vehicles they’re allowed to make, the restrictions on which are defined BY THE SAGES. it’s kind of ridiculous.

obviously, all of this is awful. in the tale of wonder quotes i showed earlier, you can see a sage demanding that a non-wizard get rid of all of his sketches of technology. we can likely assume this was common practice back then, that sages simply had the power to do such a thing - or maybe this man was more dedicated than the rest (he had to be to actually build a da vinci flying machine when da vinci was still alive...) and they decided they had to put an end to it.

however, this kept happening. the tale continues on to say that other people, too, went to ichi no kuni and came back with stories of machines they saw there. how did they go, you might ask me. non-wizards can’t cast gateway.

there was a tunnel between worlds.

THE SAGES SEALED THE TUNNEL BETWEEN WORLDS TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM BRINGING BACK TECHNOLOGY THAT WOULD HELP THEM.

PAGE 302:

The sages realized that something must be done, because technology from the other world was threatening to ruin the balance of their own. They decided to seal the tunnel to the other world, to ensure that the place of magic within society was never threatened again. Now, visiting the other world was not completely forbidden--why, powerful wizards could still cast the spell known as “Gateway” and travel to the other world any time they pleased!

seriously they sealed the tunnel between worlds, knowing that only they would be able to access ichi no kuni. this is a fake world with fake politics and i’m pissed off about this. they wanted non-wizards to have as little power as possible.

this is, unfortunately, not the end of this section. there is one more very large thing about the wizard’s companion and this topic, that i’ve been consciously leaving out:

the sages hate technology. every section on technology is written in a bitter tone... except when they are talking about military, or already existing militarised things.

page 129 (means of transportation part one, cloud sweepers):

To give credit where it is due, certain enterprising engineers have gone so far as to attach guns to the front of their Cloud Sweepers, allowing them to attack enemies while in mid-air--a recognised limitation of the traditional wizard’s broom.

page 130 (rare weapons and armor - yes this is the page right after the one where they insult cloud sweepers):

Such items include pistols that allow one to open locks from a distance, and harps that attack one’s enemies when plucked. Should you be fortunate enough to come across such rare items, do not be afraid to use them on the field of battle. A wizard has nothing to fear from material objects.

page 147 (means of transportation part two, porco grosso):

The latest rumors emanating from the factories of Hamelin surround a battle tank known as the Porco Grosso. This leaked image--depicting the tank’s designers, the Porco twins, standing next to their creation--is the only evidence of its existence. The Porco Grosso is believed to be capable of scaling vertical walls and attacking an entire battalion of enemy troops with a single volley.

page 329 (regions of the world, hamelin):

The citizens of Hamelin are united both by their inquisitive natures and their desire to support and protect their empire. As a result, large-scale magi-scientific military projects are quite normal. Such projects are always kept top-secret, of course, butt rumors suggest that Hamelin’s latest development, the Porco Grosso tank, is several leagues ahead of any weapon in the other nations’ respective arsenals.

A wizard has nothing to fear from material objects. lol. lmao

all of these quotes are entirely neutral or positive about these developments. this edition of the wizard’s companion was published at the very start of shadar’s reign, likely before he began properly enforcing the magic ban. on hamelin’s page, the only technology talked about is that of military value; it’s likely safe to assume any other technology was forbidden.

...more on this later... haha...

part two: the implications

“the implications” of course being various things in game, and how they affect the characters. now that you know the general situation regarding non-wizards, you might ask me. ruby. how in god’s name did this start?

...well, we don’t know for sure. and it could very easily be as simple as “wizards have power and it developed from there”. but i have a theory.

nazcaa, as it happens, was very magi-scientific. we know this because have you ever been attacked by a magimech. i have. it’s fucking terrifying. those bitches were these people’s FAMILIARS!!! nazcaa was around during the age of sages, also known as the sagely stone age, when people were experimenting with stones, discovering the power behind them (maybe i should make a lore post on rocks)! no one was restricted! magi-science was HAPPENING. the wizard king was well known for being equal, to the point of choosing his stone guardians to represent humans, animals, and creatures.

and then, of course, he was assassinated.

and then, of course, his daughter cast the forbidden spell, and doomed nazcaa entirely.

my theory is that nazcaa was somewhat of a trailblazer for this stuff (the MAGIMECHS) and that when it was destroyed, people saw their technology as the thing that cursed them. the wizard’s companion describes nazcaa as a legend; how did the destruction of a kingdom that large not make it into history books? easy: no one knows what happened. but they can guess - and my guess is that they thought their technology went against the laws of nature, and therefore the gods. over thousands of years, this translates into nazcaa being forgotten, but the idea of that still lingering. obviously, this is a theory, and isn’t actually confirmed. but it would make a lot of sense, right?

that’s nazcaa; let’s talk about more modern-day things. for example, khulan and kublai.

even without dotdd confirming it, we can assume xanadu was pretty magical. it was run by a great sage and it fucking floated. it was magical. when kublai was hired, it was a highly magical palace of a highly magical kingdom; he is non-magical, to the point where in dotdd, he uses cloud sweepers, in a clear showing of his divide from wizardry. his position in the xanadu army was... i mean i already said it at the top of this essay: he was a diversity hire.

this is why khulan and kublai’s relationship was such a well-guarded secret. have you ever wondered why in god’s name they were so secretive about it? it’s THIS. are you kidding? the implications of a great sage and a non-wizard sky pirate...

while on the topic of kublai: in dotdd, there’s a little secret cave, called the “sky pirate’s hideout” (different to the one in wotww; kublai’s hideout in dotdd is called dragon’s den) in which you find ghosts of a long lost magic pirate crew from hundreds of years ago. most of it isn’t relevant to this post, but the ghost at the entrance directly scoffs at kublai’s pirate crew for not being able to use magic:

“Using magic to move a huge ship, we were a great pirate crew that controlled the seas around the world!“ [Drippy] “Never saw you lot. Though there is a Pirate King [Kublai] who flies the sky.” “Hmph. The pirates here are small fry compared to the olden days. I guess it’s because they’ve lost their ability to use magic. How pitiful they’ve become.”

it’s a neat little insight into how wizards from before shadar’s reign viewed non-magical people - and a neat little insight into how kublai was likely viewed when hired by the xanaduvian palace.

now that that’s done. here’s the big one:

hamelin.

gascon as well, in a moment. but for now let’s talk about hamelin as a city. now that we know all this, we can pretty easily make some assumptions about hamelin: before shadar’s reign, they were making military weapons and military weapons only (supported by the fact the wizard’s companion still describes hamelin as a “seat of scientific and magical learning”). during shadar’s reign, they may have gone a little too crazy; now that the sages are no longer in power, they’re experiencing an industrial revolution on such a large and fast scale because now they can actually make machines that aren’t. guns or tanks. and they already have the knowledge to do so because they’ve already been making guns and tanks. hamelin is on top of large mining deposits - clear by the mines and quarries everywhere on the pig iron plain - and they’ve already been making the aforementioned guns and tanks, so their tech evolves first.

(xanadu was on an island right next to autumnia; i wouldn’t be surprised if the iron wyvern came out of hamelin.)

they build a roof over the city. we know from dotdd that the primary reason for this is to protect them (likely from shadar, who is right next door), but it may have also been to keep the rain out of their engines. they don’t think about the consequences - they don’t KNOW about the consequences until they have to name a chest disease hamelin heart, a name, again, from dotdd (love that game), because the smog clouds the city.

(according to dotdd, hamelin was the smallest of the cities on autumnia before shadar took over. now it’s the only one standing.)

now. gascon. gascon is the most obvious piece of evidence for this entire thing, considering his lack of magic is a large plotpoint. it seems like even though hamelin as a city has been largely letting go of all of this, in favour of technology, the noble class has other ideas - they want to keep magical superiority alive, so much so that they refuse to have a non-wizard on the throne. even though gascon is good with machines - he gives you a blueprint for a gun he designed! - and would currently be a better fit for the throne than a great sage with no mechanical knowledge, he’s unable to ascend the throne because he can’t do magic. hamelin is a mechanical empire, no one is allowed to use magic ANYWAY, and gascon isn’t allowed to ascend the throne.

genuinely i wish marcassin’s brokenhearted plotline focused more on his ability to run the kingdom; the person who was meant to and was better fit for the job left him on account of the pressure from the sages, after all. he’s doing his best. he really is. but considering he IS a great sage, and most of marcassin’s education likely revolved around that instead of anything his kingdom is known for (seriously. isn’t it crazy that hamelin is the only one of the three kingdoms run by a great sage? that it has a law on it? ...more on this later)... he is not the best for the job is he. yet even if gascon didn’t run, from what we can tell from what swaine says about the situation, marcassin would have become emperor in his place anyway.

this shit runs DEEP.

part three: lucien

this is the big one. why did lucien, as shadar, ban magic? well i hope that now that you’ve read the rest of this post you can infer why, but the answer is easy: he wanted to stop the oppression of non-wizards, by taking away the power the sages wielded. but it’s actually a lot more personal than that. a lot of this section will be going into one of dotdd’s dlc quests, in which this is essentially spelled out for you.

because, according to this dlc quest: lucien did not grow up practicing magic.

in this quest (really series of quests. there’s three of them), you meet three of lucien’s friends from when he was in the army. they’re ghosts, of course, but they’re unable to move on because they feel guilt for not standing with lucien when he turned traitor. they say, very directly:

“A long time ago, Shadar wasn’t even able to use magic.” [Esther] “Seriously? Shadar. The Dark Djinn. One of the most powerful wizards ever, and you’re saying he wasn’t always able to use magic?” [Swaine] “But... If he couldn’t use magic, how was he able to join the battle mages?” “He didn’t want to join the battle mages. He thought that he would be just a normal soldier, given that he was a young man from Halcyon. But, even though he couldn’t use magic, he was made the attendant of a battle mage magimech.” [Oliver] “Magimech?” “He was a soldier whose job was to make synthetic stones. He knew how to hit the enemy hard, but he broke himself in the process of making our weapons. He was a support worker for those who were on the front lines. Lucien was right in the middle of all that, and I think that’s where he became interested in magic.”

so just to be clear. lucien was originally not a soldier in this war. he was an engineer who made weapons (because he wasn’t allowed to make anything else) who then began fighting after he became interested in magic. not only that, he was an apprentice of some kind to a MAGIMECH. are you kidding.

(speaking of. this is very similar to a certain someone in motorville.)

later on in this quest, you find lucien’s diary - kept safe by the magimech he attended - which details his contempt for living in a magic-driven world:

Magic is to blame, if anything... I won’t ever forgive anyone who uses magic spells to harm another person. If there were no magic in this world in the first place... then we wouldn’t have such horrifying wars, either. There is no place for me in this terrifying world. Even if my existence was suddenly extinguished, I don’t think that even my friends would miss me... or notice. But, the innocence of all the people caught up in this world of magic keeps eating away at me. I want to devote myself to protecting innocence. And I want to leave this diary for my friends to read, one day. I will hide it away somewhere no sane person would ever look for it, and I will entrust it to the custody of a guardian. If ever there is a person who reads this diary... I hope that they are a person who holds the same convictions and hopes for the future of the world that I do.

we all know lucien’s motivations for becoming the dark djinn: he wanted to put an end to the wars that seemed to run rampant throughout the world (hell. if you look at some of the dialogue from king tom and cowlipha lowlah, there’s still animosity between the three kingdoms.) so he became the sole target. and i mean. crazy fucking plan but it worked! the world is a lot more peaceful now than in lucien’s age! i don’t condone the murders but he did kind of fucking do it is the thing!

but why did he ban magic specifically? why were there wars in the first place? here’s my second theory of this post: the wars were between sages.

they’re using magic to fight. they’re using armies to attack each other. why ARE military inventions praised so highly by sages, when they have magic that can do much of the same? because their armies can use them. the target in rubicon when lucien betrayed his army was a sage - alicia’s parent. If there were no magic in this world in the first place... then we wouldn’t have such horrifying wars, either.

the sages like the invention of weapons that non-wizards can use so that those non-wizards can fight their wars for them. hamelin’s law that only a great sage can run the kingdom makes a lot more sense when you consider it’s not only for a class boundary, but for control.

the, now rather obvious, reason lucien banned magic was to get rid of the power imbalance; he took down all of the sages who were oppressing non-wizards, he stopped the wars they caused, he forced them to adapt without magic because they couldn’t defeat him. and. again it worked! hamelin is expanding, the al mamoon army uses cloud sweepers now, khulan and kublai are together... things are better! despite the horrors! the world of ni no kuni, as it is in game, is in a very specific position - where shadar has now managed to achieve his aim - tipping the scales so that non-wizards are no longer oppressed. clearly, there’s still some way to go, but it’s a good damn start.

but his job is done; there’s no need for him anymore. the wars are over, the world is almost peaceful again - the last thread tying it to that time is shadar himself. and i mean he did murder and break the hearts of a lot of people also. for the world to be truly peaceful, he needs to be defeated.

and isn’t it poetic that the pure-hearted one, he who will drive out the darkness. is a kid from motor city who likes building cars and didn’t know magic existed until he was thirteen.

Using machines to triumph over nature is not the behavior of the pure-hearted.

imagine how pissed off these sages would be. they come out of hiding after shadar has been defeated like finally! the place of magic within society has been restored! we will now start banning technology again and the pure-hearted one is sitting there like why would you do that :( they’re so cool :(

THEY WOULD BE SO ANGRYYYY it would be so funny. they can’t even fucking say anything. he’s a great sage’s son. he’s from detroit. they’ve been waiting for this powerful wizard to show up to defeat shadar so they can get their world back and he turns out to be a Mechanic. from Another World. full of CARS. AND HE’S THE SECOND COMING OF THE WIZARD KING. IMAGINE.

part four: conclusion

this is where i leave you. with the knowledge that oliver’s existence is driving magical bigots batshit. good for him

thank you for reading this 4500 WORD JESUS CHRIST???? essay. if you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them in my askbox. i fucking love politics that aren’t real in any shape or form and i also love other things about ni no kuni too so you can ask me anything about it.

i hope you get it now.

[controversial-blorbo-bracket]

Controversial Character Tournament Round 2: Gamzee Makara from Homestuck vs Maeglin Lómion from The Silmarillion/The Fall Of Gondolin

(remember that these characters are fictional and your fellow tumblr users are real. i will block you if you harass others in the notes, please consider sending your unhinged harassment to my inbox instead)

Propaganda under the cut, may contain spoilers:

Gamzee Makara:

LOVE: - "Okay, so Gamzee is such a divisive character that I even hesitated on choosing "love". Sad clown with an absentee father raised in a fascist dictatorship. Was mind controlled into killing his friends and then mind controlled during a toxic relationship (or two). Suffers from addiction so fandom likes to go "Oh, how scary his withdraws are. Clearly being drugged up was the only thing keeping this THIRTEEN YEAR OLD from murdering his friends (who largely ignored him, insulted him, demeaned him and acted like they wanted nothing to do with him). Having one such friend gently touch his face didn't cure him of his issues (or the mind control) so obviously he is an irredeemable monster and an abuser. This is genetic." I know you've gotten tons of Vriska, so basically insert any of Vriska's apologists' points here." - "Gamzee is a complex character who is used as a puppet both by the other villains of Homestuck and by the arthur. Once someone takes a deeper look at him they might find a tragic character who had lots of chances where he could have gotten onto a better path but those chances were not able to be given or taken. On the flip side Gamzee suffers from some poor writing that leaves aspects of the character to based off poor stereotypes, he also lacks chances to show his internal character as thr story goes on and is treated like a tool by the story. He also killed some fan favorite characters and has a version of himself (homestuck is a multi timeline story) that abused a different fan favorite character." - "I know Vriska is the obvious pick for controversial HS blorbo, but consider: He is the world's shittiest boy. No one knows why he does the things he does he might just be a murderclown but he might be mind controlled or something no one knows and people have really strong opinions on him based on what they believe. He makes me very sad because I did think he was a cool character before he snapped." - "He was written so poorly 💔" - "when i was 12 i had a crush on him i was like a gamzee apologist and i was probably right i dont remember homestuck. i used to listen to icp and think wowww this is just like my clwon boyfriend and giggle and blush and kick my legs and i still do that with my fake boyfriend but hes not gamzee and its not icp and im not 12 but he kind of sounds like gamzee but thats because hes a smoker and he wouldnt listen to icp he likes techno. anyway i used to get so sad when people said they didnt like him because of the killings and i brought him up to my old therapist a couple times thats kind of funny looking back but i would do it again (but not with gamzee. with my fake chain smoker boyfriend who likes techno). anyway anyway my mom listens icp because her old friend from highschool who died was a juggalo and whenever i hear her listen to it i think about gamzee so i havent forgot about him yet. hes wasnt my favorite character thouhg my favorite character was the gemini one (i also had a crush on him when i was 12 i tried to lucid dream to see him once) (it didnt work). ok love you bye." - "-Funny clown -Cares about his friends -Absent parental figure :( -Did some murder but it wasn't his fault really he didn't have all of his mental faculties (see next point) -Got brainwashed by a universe-destroying god that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time through the form of a rapping marionette -The author(s) fucking hates him for some reason and retconned his previous characterization to make him a one-dimensional shitty villain and used canon text to make fun of fans who like him and no I'm not exaggerating -If I don't make him my blorbo who will"

Maeglin Lómion:

LOVE: - "LISTEN okay so he DID betray the city of Gondolin to the guy who literally invented evil, and that DID result in it getting destroyed and a whole bunch of people dying or being taken prisoner (which is probably worse in this instance), and also he DID attempt to throw his cousin's seven-year-old son off the city walls to his death during the attack. BUT. I love him. Also, and more substantially, a) he didn't go out of his way to betray the city, he was taken prisoner and threatened into it, b) he had an incredibly painful history with Gondolin involving both his parents' violent deaths happening like ten minutes after he arrived there, and he was legally not allowed to leave, and c) he was SO YOUNG (only 180! that's hardly anything for an elf!) and he is SO ANGSTY and INTERESTINGLY GOTH and SELF-HATING and I LOVE him. So." - "First of all he was LITERALLY CURSED TWICE OVER so there was NO WAY he was coming to a good end okay. Sure he had a crush on his cousin but he canonically didn't say anything and she only knew because she read his mind and he wasn't able to hide it from her. He had a major éowyn moment (iconic) and was trapped in cage after cage all his life and tbh after what he saw in the Nirnaeth I'm NOT surprised he voted to stay instead of go. Or just told the king what he wanted to hear. Anyway the POINT is that breaking under mental torment to morgoth, whose force and victory he'd seen firsthand, is NOT a moral failing, and idril started conspiring against him before he'd actually done anything wrong. The attempted murder was, admittedly, not great though. But he didn't even SUCCEED like c'mon he just got homoerotically yeeted from a cliff about it. In conclusion: maeglin did nothing wrong except all the things he did wrong, and the version in which he's most openly evil is also the one where both the narrative and the other elves are racist to him so like they had it coming"

[deadkidcourt]

deadkidcourt : our tale of system discovery

I've always been scared of being publicly out about my system, more posts i see from other systems has given me some courage. i like being able to see those posts and see our system or aspects of us in them. I've never publicly spoke of my diagnosis being scared that when people find out that I'm not medically recognized that the fakeclaiming will become really bad. i already deal with so much denial of my own that I've been so scared of rejection from other systems.

we have done extensive research, we have always been very self aware and would never self diagnose without a fuck-ton of research to back it up. we'd always felt like multiple people but not in the way we feel like it now. we'd always been kind of name fluid, loving trying on different names and pronouns. i thought for a long time that, that's how multi-gendered and people who used xenogenders felt.

as time went on, we would have phases feeling girly, wanting a hyperfem gender presentation, and then we would flip 100% and get highly upset even being thought of a girl. even as a child i would act completely different to how i was, and my parents would get highly upset because they felt they didn't know me. saying things like you're acting like a completely different person, but in those times i would get really sad because i was just acting how i felt.

i would often be told i was lying, because one day I'd really like something and the next i hate it with everything in me. people thought i was faking my personality to fit in, but i was just that different. as a teenager i learned about osddid but thought, oh that can't be me! I remember all my trauma! I'm just me! until i met a friend who was a system and learned that alot of how we felt and the things we did were not that of a singlet. that was in 2019, we questioned for a year and thought we were just making things up for attention and to seem interesting (it's not for attention if you're doing it when you're alone.)

i have known about maladaptive daydreaming since i was a child, it was what saved me from most of my trauma. being able to escape to a fake world, but the ‘characters’ didn't change, at least not three of them. we would have random fictional characters show up to, that we would then have a high identity kin with and could never understand why other people didn't connect with characters like that.

one was a girl that always got mad when i was hurting, i thought she was an imaginary friend. someone my brain created to help me feel better about my situation, and then when i was about nine. she would start taking over my body, fighting with our parents when they would act wrong, but after that i would be in control again scared of the repercussions of her actions. this continued for years, i thought everyone made up people in their head to help them and protect them. that's not the case.

in 2021 (roughly) we became highly obsessed with fnaf, circus baby in particular. so much so, we couldn't befriend people online with her as a profile picture. this got bad enough that when a close friend set her discord avatar as glam rock baby (fan design), we had a full breakdown.

all we could think and feel is, that is me, i am that person you cant use that picture thats me and youre not me stop stop stop. our husband has to talk us down, and we kindly asked the friend to not use that character because of the distress we felt about it. we thought that was fictionkin, but it was so distressing and upsetting we had a weeklong disassociative episode and i thought that was just normal. we know now about pur circus baby fictive and have done work to source seperate so as to not have breakdowns and episodes like that again.

now, here's where things get tricky because the memory isn't really there. but from them until this year we fought with ourselves about our self diagnosis, always discrediting our trauma, and symptoms. it wasn't until we told our husband about all of our trauma that he helped us understand how drastic that was especially to a child's mind.

then we started researching, we researched off an on for three years. sometimes noting some people in our brain that we met, but it didn't work because we weren't ready to come to terms with it. the denial was ao bad.

in january of 2024, we had what i know now as a frontstuck host that finally got unstuck and everything started to fall into place for us. we were able to integrate and lose some of our amnesia barriers and i was able to meet some of our alters. it was helpful that our husband was around, because he was able to notice symptoms and changes in our prescence that we couldn't see.

he was able to differentiate between the main four frequent fronters we had at the time and was very patient with us and did research of his own to help us. we tried keeping a notebook, able to see differences in our handwriting and vocabulary choices. the way we dress would change, one loves all dark big clothing while another alter loves showing skin with pastel colors, and another one that just wants to be comfortable. small things like that made it easy to start to see the patterns in our switching. and with learning more, i realized my amnesia is not as cut and dry as i thought it would be. i can remember the bad things but not last week, or last month or yesterday.

there's only ever been one part of our system that we can't seem to wrap our head around. our splitting patterns, and fusing patterns. we have decently good communication, very low amnesia barriers between switching, and i have low access to innerworld. that was all great, but then we started splitting alot, or discovering alot of alters. there would be like 5 alters and 15 fragments and as time went on, i noticed how easily we split fictive fragments and those fragments (usually 2-4 of them) would fuse to make a whole alter. but that alter would have several sources, that always made us feel like we were wrong or perhaps that our system has lied to us. either of which could be true, we don't really care. we just try to take care of ourselves and we try to welcome any newbies to our headspace as gently as we can. we had incorrectly thought that introjects had to have one source, and that set us back on our healing alot. that and we tend to fuse semi-easily and thought we we're lying about our system because of that.

now we just take everything one step at a time, try to meet new alters and talk to them while not forcing it a whole lot. i hope our journey can help you. I'm not the most educated person (i try tho!) so please if I'm wrong about something or something let me know, KINDLY.

- ronnie 💣 and remi 🦨

[depravitycentral]

Yandere! Shalnark General Profile

Yandere! Shalnark x fem! reader

CW: kidnapping, stalking, nonconsensual recording, emotional abuse, mentions of non-con, mentions of masturbation, threats, mentions of death/murder, mild gore, Stockholm Syndrome, Shalnark gets handsy with you while you're asleep, PSA he's a creep, fem reader, MDNI

I do not condone any of the actions described in this post - this is fiction and should be treated as such. If you or a loved one is in a similar situation to anything contained in this post or my blog in general, please seek help. You're in charge of your internet consumption; please make responsible choices. With that, enjoy!

DARLING PROFILE

Naïve

Shalnark is, in all honesty, a bit of a monster.

Everything in his life is about controlling others, stealing and loyalty to the Troupe, and because of this time has hardened him into a person who lives to manipulate, who lives to bend others to his every whim and will.

And while some part of him does love his darling, in a twisted, fucked up way, Shalnark really sees his beloved as someone that he can manipulate and trick into being with him (though, he does eventually hope that they’ll genuinely love him, as he loves them).

He has no qualms with warping their every thought and perception of the world until the only thing they can think of, can love and want to be around is him.

Having a darling who’s almost painfully oblivious or always seeing the best in people is a trait that Shalnark not only finds absolutely fucking adorable, but it also makes the process of making sure that he’s the only thing they deem important in life so much easier, something he’s honestly grateful for.

His darling is so very cute, someone that endlessly entertains him with how adorably clueless they are to the real world. And Shalnark can’t wait to expose them to it – to show them that he’s the only one that protect them from all the monsters out there, the bad people who just want to use his beloved.

It’s an endearing trait that Shalnark will take full advantage of, and his darling likely won’t even notice until it’s much, much too late.

Sweet

While much of his persona feels forced and fake, there’s a certain allure to genuine kindness that makes Shalnark swoon.

He likes the idea of darling who’s genuinely just sweet, a soft personality that he can easily mold and shape into whatever he wants. He wants someone to feed his ego, only making him happier, giving him more to work with, more determination to get them to love him.

He’s not especially used to compliments, but as his darling steadily begins supplying him with them, very quickly Shalnark learns to love it – they’re just so sweet, so adorable and kind when they tell him that he’s really funny, you make me laugh a lot.

It makes him smile when they tell him how his hair is really soft, you must spend a lot of time on it to keep it this healthy and pretty.

His heart hammers in his chest when they whisper that they love him, that he makes them so happy and that they never want to leave him, even if their words are more than a little swayed by threats and knowing how easily he could kill them.

Having a kind darling is something that Shalnark looks for, something that he seeks out, if only because hearing kind words while he slowly breaks them down, makes them utterly and completely dependent on him is something that makes little tingles shoot down his spine, a sparkle to those wide green eyes.

His darling is just so cute!

Introverted

Shalnark is attracted to the idea of someone who isn’t nearly as outgoing as himself.

He’s a talker, through and through, and having a darling who’s a listener is something that he finds incredibly appealing.

He likes the idea of his beloved not constantly going out, rather preferring to spend nights inside, reading a good book or watching a movie or playing video games or whatever their hobbies may be.

It’s cute to him, how flustered they get when put in social situations, how they’re so easily drained just by simply interacting with others, and his more sadistic side comes out when he purposefully tries to drain that social battery, chattering and blabbering nonstop about trivial, pointless things. He does it just to see them desperate for a moment of peace, a moment alone to get away from his constant talking - because that means they're thinking of him.

Of course, they won’t ever get that moment alone, not if Shalnark has any say, but it’s still cute to watch them squirm, to see the way they’re so eager to be alone, to get some peace and quiet and alone time.

It’s cute, and a good bargaining chip for him – personal time in exchange for certain favors, a deal that can’t be beat, especially considering the fact that the dozens of cameras trained on their figure at any given time make sure that they’re never truly alone.

Complaisant

While Shalnark couldn’t give a shit about gender roles and expectations based on sex (hell, the three women in the troupe are enough to prove that sexism is bullshit, even if Shizuku can be a bit ditzy at times), there’s a certain appeal to having a partner who’s willing to cater to his every need that satisfies him.

He likes the idea of his beloved being subservient, that they’re willing to drop everything just to please him, and its something that only becomes more attractive over time as his obsession with them continues on. He likes knowing that he has them in the palm of his hand, his to do whatever he pleases, whenever he pleases.

It’s a cute trait to him, that they’re so adorably focused on what others want rather than themself, and Shalnark plans to take full advantage of this little tendency. He will be making them do things he knows they don’t particularly enjoy, just to see how far they’re willing to go to make him happy.

He likes the idea that they’re so dependent on others’ needs and desires that they forfeit their own, and the longer he spends around his darling, the more he falls in love, the more he realizes that they’re the perfect addition to his collection of toys.

Though, he’d never kill or harm this one; it’s his prize, his special little thing.

GENERAL YANDERE TRAITS:

Manipulative

Nen types and personalities are, of course, connected – and as far as Shalnark is concerned, it’s no harm done if he twists the situation just a bit. It's okay if he feeds you with pretty little lies every once in a while, just to make sure you see the situation his way, that you understand his perspective.

He swears he has no ill intent towards you – no, of course not! He’s completely in love, so deeply and helplessly enraptured by you that the only reason he’s really telling you how he happened to be in the area and wanted to stop by is to make you more comfortable. He wants to make you feel special and bubbly and desired rather than admitting that he’s been staring at you from behind a computer screen for the last twelve hours, only moving when his desperation to see you became too strong.

He's only trying to help when he warns you against certain people. He'd hate to see you fall into the wrong hands; people who want to hurt you, change you. Only Shalnark gets to do these things - which is why he's always subtly trying to tell you how you shouldn’t hang out with that guy again, can’t you tell he only wants you for your body? You’d be much better off with someone who loves you for you and not just your curves!

He’s really just trying to prevent anything from happening in the future with that piece of scum that’s been taking up your attention recently because although he hasn’t shown any signs of ill intent yet, Shalnark is absolutely positive that he’ll break your heart, that he couldn’t treat you nearly as well as the blond himself can.

Because of his friendly and chipper attitude, Shalnark can easily get you believing him, quickly establishing a complete sense of trust between the two of you that makes him absolutely giddy with power.

He loves that you listen to his each and every word like they’re the purest truth, like his word is law, like he’s the only one who could ever possibly understand you.

The lies he feeds you can be small, flippant ideas you don't seem to question.

(Your phone’s been sending texts you don’t remember typing to your male friends? Huh, guess the technology needs to be updated or your memory is just getting absolutely terrible!)

Others are large, meaningful twisting of words that you're a bit more hesitant to accept - but when Shalnark gives you that smile, all sunshine and warmth, you'll begrudgingly drop it.

(That guy who flirted with you at the store was found dead this morning and you’re wondering why Shalnark had gotten to your hang out late with blood splattered across his shirt? No, of course he has nothing to do with it – you must be seeing things, and how could you ever accuse Shalnark himself, the only friend you have left, of doing something so terrible?).

He’s really good at making his face completely unfaltering when you bring up anything that tip toes too close to the truth, making sure that his façade of innocence doesn’t slip so that you’d become suspicious of him, and he’s able to get you believing quite literally anything he says.

He’s forced his way into your life, narrowing down the list of people you feel close to and those you can trust until he’s the only name left. And while the process is a bit time consuming and frustrating, it’s so worth it to see you smile so brightly when you see him, to make some offhand joke about how he’s the only person who isn’t immediately declining your calls and sending it straight to voicemail, how he’s always there for you.

And really, Shalnark couldn’t be prouder – it doesn’t feel necessarily good to manipulate you, to look at those pretty, vulnerable eyes and lie straight to your face, but it’s worth it.

Anything is worth the end result of you depending solely on him, completely willing to believe each and every word he says.

He craves it, needing it, needing to be needed by you. It makes him feel almost a bit pathetic, but there's something about you that makes Shalnark not care if he throws his pride out the window.

But you’ll eventually figure out how he’s painted a picture in your mind so distorted from reality that it physically makes you sick.

(When you find the multitude of cameras placed strategically in various areas of your room, the short strands of blond hair laying next to your pillow in the mornings, the lingering smell of cum and musk that you know is not your own settling heavy over your bedroom, and of course when he eventually steals you away and you see the thousands upon thousands of videos and pictures he’s saved of you, it’ll become very clear exactly what’s going on).

You’ll be forced to realize that he completely beat you, that you trusted him and he knew it, but it’s too late.

You’re already too deep in, too unsure of what reality really is and how far his lies and deception of your own life really reaches, and Shalnark will capitalize on that.

He’ll use anything and everything he possibly can to make sure you stay his, to make sure you stay right by his side.

Obsessive

Fascination is an understatement for Shalnark's feelings towards you. You’re something he could – and does – stare at for hours, watching every little thing you do, soaking up every detail he possibly can about you.

You’re endlessly entertaining to him, and while he still prioritizes his duties for the Troupe above his own personal matters, every waking moment that the blond has free is spent behind the computer screen or outside your bedroom window.

Wide green eyes stare at your unaware form, seeing you live out your life that he wishes so desperately he could be a part of.

He has this compulsive need to learn everything he can about you, and years of studying and profiling certain events and people for work has led him to be incredibly skilled at stalking, in the most unconventional ways.

Almost immediately after his infatuation forms, Shalnark is installing cameras all over your apartment, the some fifty lenses angled so that he doesn’t miss a single thing. They're everywhere, so that he doesn’t not see you sleeping from three different directions, so that he doesn’t not see you showering with your naked and glistening body fully on display from an angle above you and below you.

(Below is his favorite, though, if only because the way you sometimes spread your legs to balance yourself makes his throat feel dry, the angle of your breasts making him audibly gulp and his hand wander down his chest).

It makes him feel connected to you, a boyish, fluttering feeling erupting in his chest every time he gets to see that cute little smile, your tired, sleepy eyes as you get ready for bed, the lewd and fucking perfect faces you make when you’re touching yourself.

The cameras are enough, for a while, but quickly he grows impatient, installing microphones and bugging devices all over to match with them.

Now he can hear what kind of music you like to put on while you cook dinner or clean, how often you talk to yourself, your little yelps of pain when you stub your toe.

Soon enough he’s hacking into all of your electronics, so that he can monitor what you look at, who you’re talking to, where you’re going. He’s recording your banking information, social security number, your passport information, sensitive facts that he has the absolute right to know, as your soon to be partner for life.

He wants to make it so that he’s not only inserting himself into your physical world, but your virtual and personal one as well, so that once the two of you are living together and having the happy, perfect life he dreams of, that he’ll know everything, that absolutely nothing will catch him off guard and threaten what he deems as perfect.

Shalnark has all your information stored in various folders on his computers, his phones, his everything, so that no matter where he is, if he has a free moment and he can’t watch the actual live footage of you, he can browse through the thousands of pages of facts and observations he’s made of you. It refreshes his memory as he stares down lovingly at the screen with a dopey smile, his cheeks flushed slightly pink.

And when Shizuku tilts her head and asks what he’s looking at, Shalnark has absolutely no shame – he’s showing everyone who asks pictures of you, gushing about how perfect you are and how much he loves you.

(He won’t, of course, show any more risqué pictures or lewd observations of your habits, if only because those are reserved only for him, but as time goes on slowly the idea of showing Feitan and Phinks and the others exactly how sexy and perfect his sweet little thing is grows harder and harder to ignore.)

In all honestly, the Troupe is mostly just happy for him, or at least indifferent. Pakunoda is a bit disturbed by the way he’s constantly watching you, but she says nothing, feeling happy that he has someone in his life to care about and live for, aside from the Spider of course.

Really, as Shalnark’s darling, the concept of privacy or personal space becomes completely non-existent – he will see everything you do, be aware of who you talk to. And when numbers suddenly block you, friends you hold dear no longer contacting you, he’s more than happy that be the man you come running to.

You’ll be crying in frustration and confusion, wondering why so many people seem to be mad at you for no reason, all the while he relishes in the smell of your hair and the feel of your body hugging his.

He’s too fully in ecstasy - and fully unwilling - to mention anything about him blocking their numbers, setting up your phone in such a way that you’ll never be talking to them again.

He'll have a hand in every possible aspect of your life – you won’t know, but Shalnark certainly will, and he couldn’t be happier.

After all, doesn’t looking out for you and getting to know you count as things girls love, traits of the perfect boyfriend? He thinks so, and as the bright light from the computer screens illuminates his face in the otherwise dark room as he watches you snuggle up into bed from the comfort of his office chair, he can only sigh and dreamily trace a finger along the outline of your relaxed body, whispering about how he can’t wait until the day I get to cuddle up next to you.

It would almost be cute if it wasn't so fucking creepy.

Clingy

Shalnark is hellbent on becoming a main, driving part of your life; he forces himself into every possible nook and cranny he can, wanting to make sure that he gets to spend time with you, to see your beautiful self not just through the cameras but also with his own eyes.

He wants to feel your soft skin as he grabs your wrist and leads you through the crowded marketplace, making sure to lean down and whisper into your ear to be careful, you should grab onto me so you don’t get lost, yeah?

He craves contact with you, whether it be simply existing in the same space as you, having your attention and gaze focused on him, or – his personal favorite – physical touch.

He loves the way your skin feels against his own; so soft and warm and supple, and at any given chance he’s subtly trying to hold your hand, to intertwine your fingers together under the guise of friendship.

(Though this kills him, if only because he wants so badly to tell you how in love he is, how much he wants you and needs you and fuck, it doesn’t take long for him to imagine how your fingers would feel against something else of his, something hard and wet and throbbing - and great, now he’s hard and you’re standing there all doe eyed and innocent while he remembers yesterday seeing the way you looked with that vibrator of yours stuffing your cute little hole full.)

He’s good at distracting you, asking you some question about a hobby of yours that he already knows the answer to. You light up and soon words are falling out of your mouth too quickly and passionately to notice the way his hand lingers on your side just a touch too long.

He isn’t too brave at first, not wanting to do anything that could compromise the careful progress of assimilating himself into your life, and just reaching out to blindly squeeze and grope at your tits and grind into your ass would definitely hinder his plan, despite how much he wants to.

He sticks mostly to small gestures, things that could be considered platonic should you mention something about it, but as time goes on he gets bolder, his hand resting on the small of your back sliding lower and lower, his eyes openly drifting below your collarbone, his tongue darting out and making a show of licking over his bottom lip.

Really, Shalnark just wants your attention, for the two of you to live in your own little bubble of a world, to be happy and together and completely in love, all with the added benefit of being flush against one another, feeling each other completely and not letting a single thing be hidden.

So when he’s calling you everyday, asking what you’re up to, showing up at your doorstep with takeout from your favorite restaurant, don’t be too surprised.

When you look to your side for a few seconds while you’re out and about, don’t question it when he physically moves so that he’s in your line of sight, that bright smile falling slightly as he grabs your shoulders and makes some kind of whiny joke about how you should be looking at me, dummy!

And don’t be shocked when his cold hand snakes under your shirt while you’re asleep, a soft moan tumbling from his lips as his eyes flutter closed when he rolls a nipple between his fingers, the softness of your skin leaving him smearing precum all along the inside of his boxers.

It’s all for you, the clinginess and neediness that he displays as time goes on, and while it’s a bit suffocating and strange, soon Shalnark is the only person you’re ever seeing. He's the only one you’re talking to and getting any response from, and you’ll be willing to sweep all of his questionable behavior under the rug, because he’s your friend, right?

And Shalnark couldn’t be happier – every moment spent with you is heaven, something he thrives on, and he’s absolutely sure that once he can drop all the platonic friend bullshit he’s luring you in with, you’ll be ever so happy to be giving him every ounce of yourself.

He's sure you'll eventually, at some point down the line, long to be touching him and loving him and kissing him like he’s the only person in your world – like he is your world.

DEALING WITH RIVALS:

Because of his clinginess and need for your attention to be on him and only him, Shalnark actually gets jealous often.

He’s constantly wanting you to be looking at him, thinking of him, talking to him, being around him, and the second that he sees you talking to another man, laughing and smiling at them like some whore, he’s angry, furious that you’re being so unfaithful, so clearly ungrateful for all the effort and love he’s constantly wanting to shower you in.

But still, if Shalnark is good at anything, it’s making sure to play situations perfectly, to make sure that he gets exactly what he wants out of others without doing any of the dirty work.

And so, as he clutches his red winged phone so tightly that his knuckles are turning white, he plasters on a wide, unnatural smile, mind racing as he thinks over his plan, already deciding exactly how to make sure that that piece of shit chatting you up, eyeing your curves and giving you a smirk that makes his skin crawl gets what he really deserves.

And of course, there’s also the added mission of teaching you a lesson. He'll make sure you understand that Shalnark himself is the only man you’ll ever truly need, the only one who can be exactly what you want, what you crave.

And so, while he’s beyond angry, stifling rage running through his veins, he’s forcing himself to breath, to squeeze his eyes closed and remember to breathe, think, she has no choice but to love you and only you.

He prefers methods of dealing with rivals where he’s more behind the scenes, and it’s in these moments that his nen type really, really shows – manipulating is how he’s managed to keep you interested in him thus far, to worm his way into your life, and it’s how he’ll keep you wanting him, becoming solely dependent on him like the good little girlfriend you should be.

It’s not wrong, of course not – manipulating you may be an unfortunate setback that Shalnark doesn’t particularly enjoy, but it's necessary.

Anything is necessary if it helps get you realize that you really have no choice in all of this, that your future has already been decided and not a single word or other man will change it.

Your laughter, while normally something that makes the blond’s heart skip a beat, does absolutely nothing but make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, rage seeping through every pore as he keeps his cheerful smile.

The muscles in his biceps bulge almost painfully the longer he watches the man next to you joke around, making flirtatious comments that have Shalnark’s eye twitching, resentment and displeasure that it’s not him making you flustered, making you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and look shyly to the ground hitting him in waves.

He’s pissed, but as his hand clench into fists, squeezing so tightly that the crescent shape of his nails draws small drops of blood, a small giggle leaves his lips, eyes lighting up as the perfect plan formulates in his mind.

Sure, you may think this guy is oh so sweet, a caring and perfect match for you, and the blond will let you continue on in your delusions for now.

It drives him crazy to see you wistfully humming to yourself and smiling at your reflection in the mirror later that night as you replay the fact that you got the mystery man’s number, and he was even taking you out the next night for dinner!

It makes his chest ache, his jaw hurt from how hard he’s clenching his teeth, but as he follows the tracker on his phone attached to the disgusting man’s hip, he can’t help the giddy excitement from erupting in his heart.

It’s easy to corner him – not surprisingly – and as he sticks the bat shaped needle into the man’s neck with no small amount of gentleness, he can only smile happily at the addition of a new playtoy, one with a very special mission in mind.

It’s torture waiting, but it's easy getting the man to send a quick text saying how he wants to move the date to his place, seeing as his roommate will be gone for the night.

Your response of oh, sure :) simultaneously irritates him and makes him sigh at how cute you are, how adorable and innocent and so easily playing right into his hands.

You look beautiful when you arrive at the man’s door – all dolled up and so fucking pretty, and for a moment Shalnark’s resolve falters, the desire to just whisk you away and kiss you, hold you, touch you hitting him square in the chest.

But he fights it back, having the man call out a rather loud ‘come in’ from behind the door, to which you hesitantly do so. And when you walk inside and see the events transpiring, Shalnark feels a strong twinge of satisfaction at the look of shock and hurt on your face.

The man you’d been planning on sharing a lovely evening with is balls deep inside another woman, grunting and groaning and talking about how beautiful she is.

You drop your purse, jaw hanging open as tears threaten to spill, all the while Shalnark is rapid fire typing in instructions, making the man turn to you and ask if you think she’s pretty too, if you really seriously thought that someone like you could ever land someone like him.

Soon your lower lip is wobbling, eyes puffy as you turn around and slam the door, humiliation and hurt washing over you in cold waves.

And when you return home, curling up on your bed and crying because god, how could you be stupid enough to think that someone that attractive would ever want you, Shalnark – ever the caring friend – will be knocking at your door.

His arms are stuffed with a collection of your favorite snacks and comfort foods, smiling brightly and asking you if you’d like to have dinner together. And when you answer in tears, trying to fight back your sobs and insecurities, immediately he’s jumping in – letting you vent to him as if he wasn’t already aware of the pain you’re undergoing.

He's holding you to his chest and soothing you, telling you how great you are, how the other man is blind for not seeing how much of a catch you are. He doesn’t love playing the shoulder for you to cry on, but it’s so worth it when you look up at him through teary eyes, sniffling and murmuring a small thank you Shalnark, I don’t know what I’d do without you.

He’ll just laugh, ruffling your hair slightly, ignoring the way his heart is practically in his throat because fuck you smell so good and Jesus he wants to kiss you so damn much, but he can't -

No, not when he’s slowly building his web of lies, forcing you to become more and more dependent, because isn’t he the only one who’s there when you need someone most, the only one who listens to your problems and helps you out no matter what?

He’s making sure that he’s always magically there to pick up the pieces of your heart – that he had, technically, broken, though not directly.

Eventually you’ll notice, realizing that maybe he’s the one you should start caring for, that you should just give up on other men and love Shalnark, the only who really seems invested in you.

The blond couldn’t be happier – the only thing better than your blind devotion to him is having you willingly do so.

TAKING HIS DARLING AWAY:

For the most part, Shalnark is relatively patient when it comes to you.

You’re the object of his obsession, the thing he spends hours upon hours upon hours watching and studying, thinking of and dreaming about, and because of this he doesn’t mind putting in the effort to wait to steal you away until the perfect time, until you’re really ready to be completely aware of how truly under his control you are.

Besides, you’re incredibly fun to watch – every move you make is fascinating to him, your very existence something he could observe happily for the rest of his life.

Shalnark, at his roots, does desire a ‘normal’ relationship with you – he wants you to genuinely like him, to love him and want him, just as he does you, and while the urge to just sweep you into his arms, lock you up in his home and throw away the key is beyond tempting at times, he holds back.

He wants you to come to him, to be so dependent on him that the desire to leave, to be in the real, big scary world completely leaves you. And so, he waits and manipulates from the shadows, turning every friend, acquaintance and neighbor against you, until he’s all you have left.

And yet, in the back of his mind, Shalnark is aware that no matter how much he lies and cheats, how many fallacies he provides you with, you’re still smart – he knows you’ll eventually figure out who he really is, discover that he’s murdered hundreds, stolen countless priceless valuables, and he isn’t completely confident that you’ll still willingly come to him after that, something he absolutely cannot stand.

So while he holds on, he’s still preparing his home for your eventual arrival, be it forced or voluntary.

It’s not a big surprise to him when he hears your footsteps outside the doorway of your bathroom, your melodic voice asking him if everything is ok? You’ve been in there for a while, Shal…

But Chrollo can’t be ignored, and so when you carefully twist open the knob and walk in as the blond says something about how he’s planning on killing at least the twenty he was assigned for the next job, you freeze.

His green eyes meet yours, seeing your frightened expression darting all over him, and with a sigh he realizes that the blood from his most recent kill is splattered along the lavender of his outfit, the target putting up much more of a fight than he intended.

You’re frozen, and as Chrollo gives him an order and hangs up, the blond can only slump his shoulders and sigh, looking up at you with a lopsided smile as he says how unfortunate this is, because now I don’t have a choice, I’ve gotta take you away. Man, you really picked a bad time to check up on me! I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this. Well, let’s not waste any more time; I’ll see you in a few hours, sleep tight princess!

He’s quickly knocking you unconscious, cradling you against his chest and inhaling deeply, eyes fluttering closed as your scent engulfs him, before making his way to the home you’ll be staying in, the home fully furnished and ready for you.

As a captor, Shalnark isn’t too terrible – because he does genuinely want you to return his feelings, he isn’t as cold and sadistic as some of his companions and coworkers.

However, this by no means that you’ll have an easy time as his darling.

His habits of craving your attention, needing you to be looking at him and giving him the love and validation he craves doesn’t dissipate by any means. If anything, it only grows stronger because now he doesn’t have a screen separating you, layers of technology he’s forced to watch you through.

There’s no layer of decency he has to keep up, the air of simple friendship falling away once he gets you in his arms, snuggled up into his chest while he happily snoozes away.

No, now your relationship can grow and bloom in person, and so the touching begins – there’s absolutely no reason he can see why he shouldn’t be hugging you, snuggling you up in his arms as you fall asleep together on your shared bed, wandering hands all over your body while he tells you you’re cute as a button! How can I not touch you when you’re so adorable?

He’s handsy to an extreme – you won't get a moment of peace away from his strong fingers, his muscular arms that have so much more strength than they seem.

He’s insistent that you give him the affection and attention he wants, and while he’s moderately patient with you, he won’t tolerate you denying him of simple human touch for long.

No, Shalnark will be holding you, kissing you and intertwining your fingers, stripping you naked and stuffing you full of his cock while he moans your name and holds your hand.

(He’s needy, in all honesty, in a way that would almost be cute if he wasn’t a murderer, if he hadn’t stalked and kidnapped you, if only because the desperation for your attention is weirdly flattering.)

You won’t have a moment alone under his rule, and even if you think you do, you really, really don’t – just because you’re stuck under the same roof as him doesn’t mean that he calms down his habits of recording you, of keeping cameras poised in every corner of every room so that he misses absolutely nothing.

Except this time Shalnark makes no effort whatsoever to hide them – the black, almost oversized surveillance cameras are aimed right at you, the blinking red light mocking you from the corner of your eye as you try to sleep, as you try to entertain yourself with the few books he’s let you have, as you slip off the giant t-shirt (his t-shirt) to step into the shower.

He’s always watching, always wanting to keep tabs on you, so really it’s your choice whether you want him to be looking through a screen or in person – both are terrible options, but it really comes down to you and your acceptance of his overbearing, clingy touchiness and neediness.

Can you handle him talking your ear off for hours on end, holding you flush against his chest while he shivers and murmurs how good you smell, claiming it’s even better when you’re asleep?

The only saving grace when it comes to the blond is that he understands that technology is something most people have a dependence on, and he doesn’t really mind letting you have access.

He’ll give you a small, basic and outdated cell phone, with so many child locks and codes protecting you from anything that could be used to contact the outside that it would be pointless for you to even try and disable them.

However, he makes sure that the news feed is constant, though a bit warped – he wants you to know what’s going on, how life outside is terrible, how if you go out there you’ll only get killed or lose your home and job or raped or any number of horrible things, so why don’t you just stay with him?

He sifts through and only allows the most depressing, most disturbing of stories to reach you, and when you eventually get tired of hearing about a string of murders around the city lately, Shalnark is waiting with wide open arms for you to come cuddle, to come chat and ‘bond’, as he says.

And really, as time goes on you’ll stop caring.

You’ll stop trying to leave, to run away, to hurt or kill your captor.

You’ll give up, and Shalnark couldn’t be happier – he’s ready to have you, all of you, and your obedience and blind devotion to him is just another piece of the puzzle, one he desperately wants to finish.

PUNISHMENTS:

In general, Shalnark is actually quite lenient with you; he’s by no means a tame yandere, but generally he isn’t racing to punish you, to come down on you with an iron fist and make you cry and beg for mercy.

He wants you to like him, and while he knows that manipulating someone isn’t healthy, Shalnark couldn’t care less – everything he does to you is unhealthy, what’s another thing added on?

It takes a fair amount for him to get mad, and for the most part you won’t even really know that he’s angry; his happy go lucky demeanor doesn’t really go away, that smile dripped in venom no matter what’s going on, what he’s talking about or what you’re doing.

You’ll end up having to walk around eggshells around him, constantly questioning whether you’ve fucked up and said something you shouldn’t have, of whether the particular smile he’s giving you is more tight than usual, if his voice seems higher.

It’s all one big guessing game, which is exactly what Shalnark wants – he wants you to be on the edge of your seat, to be constantly wondering what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling, him him him.

He’s in your relationship for the long haul; you might be afraid of him still, nervous that he’ll snap at any given moment, and while he doesn’t like that you’re still so stiff and unresponsive to his attempts at cuddling, at fucking you to make you feel good too, Shalnark knows it’s only a matter of time.

He generally uses fear tactics to keep you in line, most notably the constant underlying threat that he’s always watching, that there’s nothing you can do that he doesn’t see, no moment you have where you’re truly alone.

And while it isn’t something particularly frightening, it will fuck with your head – knowing there’s always a presence hovering over you, weighing down your every move, not letting you have an ounce of privacy would be enough to scramble anyone’s mind, to make anyone go mad and crazy and maybe even fall in love with their captor?

Fear is his go to method, and Shalnark is nothing if not resourceful when it comes to dealing with your misbehavior.

That being said, Shalnark actually doesn’t get angry at you too often.

Rather, he’s entertained by your attempts to defy him, your efforts to leave the prison he’s trapped you in, even knowing all of the safeguards he has up to make sure you do exactly the opposite.

It’s cute, really, how you keep trying and trying and trying, even when he reminds you time and again that he can see every little thing you do. It’s endearing, but Shalnark knows that cutting it off is the best course of action, no matter how entertaining it is to watch you try.

And so, when the subtle reminders of don’t you see the camera, angel? That’s really funny that you think I’m not seeing you try and pick the door lock with that bobby pin you found! don’t work anymore, Shalnark turns to a solution that’s a much different approach, and one that’ll likely get you stopping any sort of rebellious behavior for good.

That is, when you bash your fist against the bulletproof glass window again and again until you’re bleeding and bruised, Shalnark can only tut-tut, sighing heavily and wrapping your wounds with bandages borrowed from Machi.

I know you were trying to escape, babe. I love you, but the next time you try anything like that again you get to choose which family member dies.

His voice is still light and fluffy as he says those words that have you freezing, anger, frustration and terror lacing through you while he does little more than stick out his tongue in concentration as he works to perfectly arrange the bandages.

You know he isn’t joking – he’s a mass murderer, a sick son of a bitch that has no qualms keeping you against your will, making you cry, so why wouldn’t he kill your loved ones as well?

Your behavior is much better for a while after that, something that pleases Shalnark greatly – you’re much more receptive to his affection than previously, much more willing to tell him you love him, to sit patiently as you wait for him to return from troupe work, to obediently open your mouth and let him fuck your tight little throat without so much as a struggle.

You both know it’s out of fear, but Shalnark has to admit that he likes it – though he’s sure your honest love -based devotion would be better, but he’ll take what he can get.

However, he knows that just keeping you in line on threats alone isn’t enough; which is why he slips Feitan the few thousand Jennys and an address, telling him to take the ring finger along with the ring, but don’t kill them! Feel free to get it as bloody as you want though – the flashier the better!

And when he returns home from a troupe meeting the next day with a pretty little box wrapped in red wrapping paper with a white bow, you’ll be left wondering what in the hell it could be as he eagerly pleads with you to open it! It’s just for you angel, I can’t wait to see what you think!

You weren’t sure what you were expecting, in all honesty, but as you lift the top up and come face to face with the severed finger of your mother, her wedding ring familiar to you sitting right over the bloody, jagged numb with bone sticking out, you can’t hold back the vomit climbing up your throat.

You’re sick for a good twenty minutes, hurling until nothing comes up right there on the wooden floors, Shalnark holding your hair back for you and cooing while he rubs your back.

Tears spill down your cheeks, the smell of death and puke swirling through your nostrils while he wipes at your eyes, smiling with his eyes closed, the picture of unbothered happiness.

Don’t worry, she’s not dead! But she will be, unless you keep up the good behavior you’ve had lately. This is just a little incentive to make sure that you stay in line, yeah?

You cry that night, curled up in a fetal position with your eyes stinging and throat hoarse, but it doesn’t stop Shalnark from spooning you, from rutting his hips against your ass and whispering in your ear that he wants you, now strip and show me how good you’re willing to be.

You’ll hate it, hate him, but for the sake of your family you’ll play the part of a good girlfriend, his doting lover.

Eventually, he’ll have you so screwed up, so fucked up and unsure of what’s real and what’s not that you won’t even be pretending anymore.

And Shalnark can’t wait for that day.

OVERALL DANGER:

9/10

While he won’t ever physically harm you, Shalnark checks off a whole myriad of boxes on the checklist of terrible people to be obsessed with you.

He’s clingy, always needing your attention and not giving you a moment of peace away from his wandering hands and oh so sweet voice, not taking no for an answer as he pulls your body closer.

He's sighing in your ear and chirping on and on about this new heist the troupe is doing, how he’s promising to get you this pretty ring he knows is being sold.

He’s watching your every move; cameras placed in every square inch of both your real home and the place he decides will be your shared home, all of them focused in and zoomed onto your every movement, almost as if they can pick up every thought that passes through your mind too.

Shalnark has absolutely no qualms threatening family members, slowly but surely molding you into the perfect partner for him through fear and intimidation and just honest to god wearing you down.

He’s methodical, almost scarily so, and the truth of the matter is that you’re never escaping him.

It’s almost impossible with the sheer number of cameras and trackers placed around and on you, but even if you do somehow manage to?

Well, Shalnark loves challenges, and when he eventually drags you kicking and screaming back to your ‘home’, be prepared to find the severed head of your sibling wrapped in a present box with a little tag saying for my naughty girl and a night of long, painful, rough fucking that’ll leave you sore for days.

He’s obsessed, and lucky, lucky you gets to deal with being the focus of every ounce of his attention, devotion and entertainment; good fucking luck, you’ll need it.

[gingerhastoomanyobsessions]

I have a genuine based in canon well thought out refutation to the people who think that absolutely none of the bill backstory we’ve gotten is true/that bill spawned into existence pure evil from the start. and that fans who believe he was ever Not evil are just being dumb. but this is not that refutation. logos can have its day in the sun in a second but rn pathos wants its time to shine

disclaimer that I know that bill is a liar who tortures people and manipulates and blah blah blah. I am aware that he sucks. It Is Known. I am aware that I might be falling for lies and might be proven definitively wrong in later content. however for now I am spinning what we do have in my brain microwave, because what we do have hits a specific and personal button for me

like. kid is born who sees the world differently. (in this case, literally). nobody gets it. parents try to medicate it away. peers see it as something to be mocked. nobody gets it. kid stops trying to tell people. it doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get better. nobody gets it. kid grows up some and thinks the people around them would understand if they could just see. they throw caution to the wind and take the big risk assuming that this will be their hero moment where they embrace their difference and show the world the truth and it’ll all work out in the end. instead it destroys everything and everyone they’ve ever known. instead of recognizing what they’ve done and try to change, they decide that disaster was inevitable and lean in harder

and like…maybe this is just the weirdly specific bits of my life falling into place but. I kinda relate? to baby bill, anyway. to the kid who was different. and I can see another version of my life where I leaned into the spite and resentment that was there (tbh that still is there, a little) and decided that everyone else was in the wrong

cause when you feel like being yourself inherently means hurting other people, it can be easier to say that it’s because you were just born awful than to try to change it.

fortunately most of us are Not born with the ability to light fires with our brain. but as someone w mental health stuff that can make it hard to be around me, who is trying every single day to convince myself that changing for the better is worth it, I look at Bill’s decision— his “everyone else in euclydia is wrong and I’m going to be me and Show Them even if it risks destroying an entire dimension”— and the fallout that ensued that led him to become the fucked up monster he is by the time of the series. and I see the worst case scenario. what he should have done is what the pines have done: to support and be supported by family and to grow as a person, just like ford had to overcome his pride and mabel had to accept growing up and dipper had to learn to trust. but instead he chose the worst possible option. sometimes I like villains because they remind me what NOT to be.

and to people who think I’m dumb for finding meaning in a story that might be a lie: it’s all lies, baby! it’s fiction! truth is a construct!!!!!!we’re all just meat and electricity with neuroses that we try to cope with by imagining fake little guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[beevean]

Imagine watching the show as it came out

Imagine ending S3 hating the fuck out of Lenore but spending time talking and theorizing about her implied nuances in spite of the writing flaws and how she could be improved as a villain

....and then S4 comes out

I have a feeling you should consider yourself and your sanity lucky

ngl, I would have so fallen for the copium that S4 was going to have Hector breaking himself free and taking revenge on all the people who hurt him 😔 perhaps even that Isaac would slowly become his beautiful cunty game self 😔

I keep thinking of this post:

This is a wonderfully written post. They make many good points, like how Lenore always finds a way to relieve herself of responsibility when she abuses Hector ("you hurt me and that's why I beat you", "Striga wants you to wear the leash, not me", "the others are planning to use mercenaries"), which is scarily realistic. Or the part where she asks Hector if she can visit him again, as if he had any choice in the matter. I commend this person for picking up so many details, some of which I had missed or forgotten myself. I don't agree with everything, as I believe they overestimated Hector's characterization and ignored how blatant Lenore's lie of "I want to run away with you" is, but I can feel how passionate they are and invested in this potentially novel narrative about how subtle abuse can be.

And I keep thinking about all of this got squandered in S4. How this disturbing depiction of abuse got flattened into dick jokes and "you're the only one who listens to me 🥺" and Lenore blithely dismissing the one time Hector dared to be annoyed at her "solving his problem" which got treated with the same levity as Greta making a cheating joke out of Alucard's own rape.

"Also, she's a female predator, which are rarely presented without sympathy in fiction. Which, I think, is part of why it's hard for the fanbase to realize how evil she is. If the genders were reversed, some people would probably still find the whole rape by deception and magical enslavement romantic because, well, people, but they'd probably sympathize more with the victim than the predator because they'd be easier to identify through our cultural shorthand."

I wonder how they reacted when S4 comes out and the show does exactly what they have criticized, sanitizing Lenore because she is a cute woman and suddenly showing her fake, superficial kindness as genuine and a valid reason Hector would love her, not with the love of an abused dog but real genuine affection.

And he definitely had real feelings for Lenore, however falsely they were invoked. It's possible they still exist after his enslavement. I'm hoping not, but it would be an interesting conflict to see play out. Loving and hating someone who's been alternately kind and cruel to you is a tough spot to be in.

This is what really depresses me about the Lenector story. It is not impossible that Hector would still have feelings for Lenore, because he has such low standards that things like "actually keeping her promise of giving him free roam of the castle" and "going to him to vent about her issues" would be taken as signs of love, and confuse his abused brain. Hector crawling back to Lenore as his only reason to live? It makes sense! It's awful, but it makes sense for someone like him! He has nothing left, he thought he'd be killed but he was given another chance at life, and his first instinct is to cling to his only certainty in his miniscule world.

It should not have been the emotional climax of his arc! Not in a season that is so deadset of giving everyone happiness that they fucking brought Dracula back and allowed him to go on a honeymoon with his bae!

The resolution of this story about abuse is that Hector needed to grow up and let his abuser find freedom in death! A freedom that is specifically framed as Lenore freeing herself of... herself, basically, of everything she has done and might do, not out of guilt but out of despair that she lost all the power she had and might go insane eventually. Not him finding another place to live now that he is free, not him realizing he is worth more as a human being, bro barely even cares about his new life as Isaac's consort or whatever the fuck he is for him now. No, it is never about Hector. He wanted Lenore, Lenore didn't want to stick with him because she's depressed, and we are meant to find oh so tragic that the two star crossed lovers will not have a meaningful touching relationship after

SHE RAPED HIM INTO SLAVERY BY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIS FEELINGS AND MOCKED HIM IN FRONT OF HER SISTERS AND THEN REJECTED HIS PROTESTS ON THE GROUNDS THAT HE ENJOYED THE SEX SO HE HAS NO REASON TO COMPLAIN

THE LATTER HAPPENS IN SEASON 4 WHEN WE ARE MEANT TO ROOT FOR THEM. WHEN THE STORY REALLY WANTS TO CONVINCE US THAT LENORE REALLY IS A GOOD PERSON DEEP DOWN AND NEVER WANTED TO HARM HECTOR AND ONLY CARED ABOUT HIM

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE FUCKING CARING TO YOU YOU STUPID HACKS

All that carefully woven abuse for what? For fucking what? For the puppy fetish?? To tell the audience that you should forgive people who hurt you if they give you the bare minimum of human decency because it is the MATURE thing to do, you stupid manchild who only wants to be loved and will never have that because you are too stupid to be loved?!

god I am mad! I'm sorry this makes me mad! I don't even imagine how furious I would be if I had to wait one year to see this shit!

[thesovereignsring-if]

You're welcome to play however you like.

Yeh? You can play evil MC but the ending won't be really satisfying: "Bah, you were killed. The end! " Play good MC and maybe you will be rewarded.

A subtle manipulation authors sometimes use​ if they want to steer readers towards a specific route. I've seen this before in some games....

And whos the say I won't do the same for those play moral and good characters? I've said it before, I'll punish you for being too good, I'll punish you for being too bad. I'll even punish you for liking one brother over the other. People have asked what happens to MC that are too naive, merciful or trusting and I say- "well, people(your allies) will probably kill those you spared behind your back." or "They're gonna use you for their own agendas."

This is game, at the end of the day, is a story with a narrative with an ongoing theme. I've talked at length before how I will punish both good acts and bad. I've said countless of times that these characters have their own morals and agenda that go beyond their relationship with the MC.

I'm telling you right now, that if your MC is too corrupt to the point that it makes makes your rivals look like the good guy- it would be a disservice to my own character's backstory and convictions if they allow that to exist. They will not accept it. They've suffered under the status quo for too long to tolerate a leader that is significantly worse. It doesn't matter if you're their best friend, sibling or lover, they will put down the dog if it's too feral. You're one person, but the people being affected are in the thousands.

If you want to play the extreme option, I welcome it, it continues the narrative about leadership and change and sovereignty that I am trying to weave, and I enjoy seeing characters pushed beyond their limits- but you have to understand extreme choices come with extreme consequences. Its not so much about you being killed and that's the end- it's you were so fucking unreasonable and cruel, it made your lover strangle you in your sleep because they couldn't live with the guilt that you slaughtered someone they cared about unjustifiably. It's the people rising up against a tyrant to freedom. It's the ambition of power tainting your MC's body and mind and paying the price. It's more nuanced than you think.

If I didn't want to explore it, I wouldn't have made it an option. It would be easier to write a book. But I instead I do, because I still think there is narrative value in exploring a corrupted narrative in the MC and how the characters in the story will react to it.

This isn't going to be some evil wank fest- nobody is going to glaze you off for being so evil. I'm not interested in entertaining that narrative in my story. It has no place for it. The world as I have crafted it, will not tolerate it.

All interactive fiction is a lie by your standards then. As all choices only exist within the breadth of choice that the Author allows. And we authors are all manipulative as fuck. If we want you to engage in the narrative a certain way, we'll make sure it happens the way we want it to. That's the difference between a shitty sandbox an a story of choice that explores a evolving narrative theme.

As authors, we write stories to make you feel exactly how we want you to feel- unreliable narrators exists for the sole reason to lie to readers and gaslight them into believing that some false is true. Hell, I have character lie to your face because I want you to believe in something that might not actually be true, cause the real truth will hurt much more later in the story. I have a fucking fake love interest hiding in the crowd right now as we speak.

If you want to play the villain, you get the villain ending. Sorry anon.

[olderthannetfic]

Adding to the “why kink” convo:

I have a CNC/rape kink IRL, and also go fucking feral for anything where a man gets sexually tortured and mentally tormented to the point where they can no longer function as people (in fiction only).

I think the CNC/rape definitely just… happened. Like, I was 6 and I would already find myself intrigued by power dynamics and abuse in cartoons or other media I was exposed to. I remember my fave character in any show would be the hottest one that also was powerful and cruel, bonus points if they regularly got other characters bleeding, crying or traumatised.

Also the interest in really extreme stuff. I remember being 6 or 7 and looking up on Google things like bestiality (I did not have the term at the time, just used more clumsy words to find it) and being unable to comprehend why there were no results — obviously it’s illegal, but I was so fucking young that I didn’t even understand what it was really or what my curiosity implied. What I did know is that I was drawn to something painful and forbidden and dirty and extreme. I was reading rapefic from the age of 12. Before that, I was already reading explicit fic from age 10, and I would actively look for rough sex or no-prep anal. I was watching DP and big things shoved into small places from around that time too! I was on pornhub searching for stuff like gangbang, cream pie, rape(which had no results and frustrated me terribly because I still didn’t understand the implications or legalities of what attracted me so much) . And when I finally (finally!) discovered BDSM and got reading up on sadomasochism it’s like a whole world blossomed in front of my eyes. It was amazing and validating and inspiring. And I’m sure if someone were to look into my brain or something maybe they’d find a reason here and there as to why maybe I’m into it, but I still think it just happened. I was born with it and that’s it.

Now, in regards to my whump kink (which is very much focused on men) I do have to agree with that other anon in regards to that sex = violence mentality. As I entered the world of sex, specifically with men (I’m a woman), I was forced to learn this the hard way. Sex is violence, often. And not the fun kind that I wanted to explore, but rather the terrible kind that makes you hate yourself on a visceral level. And I think I developed this men-only-whump kink because, yes, I have a pre-existing interest in sadomasochism, but also because it’s a way to gain control, I guess? And because when the one suffering is a man I am more able to separate myself from that reality — I’m not forced to have flashbacks to when I was sexually assaulted or made to feel unsafe, used, or hollow. I can just enjoy my kink from a distance. Also there’s definitely something that feels very “wrong” in hurting a man in all the ways that women are often hurt, and that feeling excites me as much as it revindicates me.

I also want to note that I would be profoundly distressed by seeing/doing anything remotely violent/non consensual to anybody ever in my RL. Kink can and often does exist within its own parameters, eg. on tv where we know everything’s fake. Or in bed with someone we trust and have explored the scene in detail beforehand. Kink is not (or it shouldn’t be) ever at the expense of other non-consenting human beings.

--

[strawberrynightmere]

I have made this post simply to vent about three characters from Philomel the Fake / There is no place for the fake princess.

Warnings include: an ungodly amount of complaining, child abuse, the effects it has, and spoilers for the manhwa/novel (but I'll try to be as vague as possible, or you could do the sensiblething and not read this post if you don't wanna get spoiled) and so much swearing that it would make Vivian Medrano say "tone it down" (hyperbole, also a lot of that too).

How can one hate fictional characters to the point of just wanting to punch them in the face whenever one sees them? Now, there were a few instances where I was like, "Yeah, understandable," but that was only one character pre fandome, but three? In one fandom? (Technically more, but most are unimportant to me as they get what's coming to them), and all three of them are the protagonists' parents?

Now, let's start with the least worse because this one is tame compared to the other two.

French Gumm Wizard. You pulled the short end of the stick in the Manhwa Shitty Naming Poll (tm), and I pity you, but only a little beraly existent bit. The sole reason for you having 4 different fucking kids with 4 different fucking women (in the most biblical possible way) just for the purpose of a god fucking dammed experiment is mind-boggling to me and the fact that you forgot about the fourth child because once that pregnant woman was out of sight she was also out of mind for you.

Now, anyone who knows his character knows he's a fucking phycopath, and this is not a hyperbole, he genuinely is a phycopath.

He is a terrible parent because of the 3 kids he was aware of existed think of him as an anoying-ass colleague who, if they saw walking their direction, they would immediately teleport to their ass to the othe side of the rode just not to be in his close vicinity. And if they had the power, they would choke him to death, but murder is illegal, and they would be the prime suspects.

The moment you met the daughter you forgot about, you asked if she needed money? Like, alright, it's not like there were people coming to you for that, but for fuck sake, that's a fifteen-year-old that ran away from the imperial castle, she might've stole something from there so she could be well off.

But good for you for feeling bad for the first time in your fucked up life and trying to atone to her, and wanting her to move in the tower with you and the sons even though she didn't have magic. However, you need to draw a line somewhere when it comes to murder. It's one thing to kill someone who planned to harm/kill Philomel, but it's another thing wanting to kill someone who Philomel has been on good terms with.

Now, this bastard, the reason Philomel had to mask her personality during her childhood, that the mask ended up being a part of her in her teenage years. Eustis, it's the name of a terrible man who abuses a dog with anxiety, and the only reason he's married is because his wife pitied him (ifykyk).

There is a lot to unbox about his character, but none of that can excuse what a burning pile of trash he was to Philomel.

Oh, he was just a child when his half siblings wanted to kill him for a decorative piece of metal that indicates that you're a monarch of a country.

That doesn't excuse the way he treated his assumed daughter.

Oh, but he was sad his wife died. Besides, Philomel didn't look like either of them.

But did she deserve the kind of treatment since she was a newborn? And did anyone hear of recessive genes? Oh, right, this is a fucking fictional world so recessive genes are a non existent thing.

But what about the things he did for Philomel?

Philomel doesn't remember the limited times that he wasn't a gaping asshole to her, and she has a photographic memory or used to have because when she discovered that he fait was gonna be at the guillotine was the moment she realized nobody actually cared about her or even loved her for who she was.

But Philomel committed crimes!

Look at this child!

Look at this nine-year-old who just discovered her own future just because of a baby swap that she was not guilty of. And tell me that she deserved it! Tell me that she deserved getting punished just because she was being a child!

Eustis knew she was at the door of his office when he said he wanted her to be quiet like a dead rat! And yet he was surprised when those exact words came to bite him in the ass at full force?

That burning pile of shit did not deserve Philomel, nor does he deserve his biological daughter. If the baby swap never happened, I doubt he would've ever been a good father to her.

And now for the scum who started all of this.

This delusional ass bitch that would make me advocate against women's wrongs!

You're gonna tell me that the reason for not only Philomel's abuse but also Elencia's is because this nutbag has a thing for men with dark hair?

This crazy-ass cunt that agreed with the experiment that Le Gummdrop was doing, ran away from the mage tower, heeding the safety warning and going to the empress who she worked under in her youth and was on friendly terms with, only to swap the babies when the empress died due to childbirth and booked out of the empire right into the woods because she was attacked to the emperor?

Now, she might've felt guilty for it, but that didn't stop her from throwing things near Elencia, almost hitting the girl and screaming at her. Believe it or not, that's abuse.

And yet this mentally unwell trash had the nerve to yell at Philome to leave them alone because she loved Elencia like an actual daughter.

This pure girl!

This pure soul that she kidnapped and abused. This child who cleaned up after this grown ass woman's temper tantrums.

All because she was physically attracted to her father.

I don't care what shitty excuse someone could pull out of their ass to defend her. It won't excuse the crimes she has committed.

No amount of garbage manhwa parents would ever top these three for me.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

You’re probably not going to see this, but as a teen that started following you for ace/aro posts, your takes on purity culture and antis have been really important to me. To be honest I haven’t cared about proship/anti discourse in years and find the terms to be reductive and oversimplifying but I’m so sick of seeing call outs in my social circles that sum up to “this person that is open about the fact they like dark content likes dark content!” Like, I thought you didn’t WANT to interact with them, why are you mad that they’ve made their beliefs clear enough for you to block?

I’d never harass someone over fake people that don’t exist but I guess I have pretty “anti” tastes- pairings between a 16 year old and an 18 year old are enough to squick me out and my current fandom has a very popular incest subculture which is. A lot. But at the same time subjects like grooming and SA/CSA recovery are very fascinating to me, and your posts have helped me shake off the guilt I have about that and fear of being seen as an abuse apologist if I write fics about those topics.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Just, thank you, I guess. I hope you have a good day/night/whenever you read this :)

hello, dear, i'm so glad that my blog could be helpful to you <3

i agree with you that the anti/proship terminology does kind of feel like it trivializes really important issues, but please allow me to clarify one thing - being "proship" has nothing to do with WHAT you ship and everything to do with HOW you ship. it's not about taste, it's about philosophy.

i actually have pretty vanilla tastes myself; i typically avoid most dark fic, i'm not really into kink, i don't usually like "dead dove" type content, and most of my ships are not particularly controversial. the only incest ship that doesn't gross me out is thorki, because like, they're millennia-old alien space gods based on north mythology; incest is kinda the least weird thing going on there. i have a few ships that could be called abusive, like erik/christine from the phantom of the opera, but generally speaking, my tastes are tame and i just like a good fic with some tasty angst , a little sappy smut, and a happy ending.

however, i understand that other people ARE into all the stuff i'm not into, and it's none of my business what they enjoy, and, critically, my discomfort with those works does not matter, no more than it dictates what i choose to engage in and what i choose to avoid.

my discomfort with darkfic doesn't mean people who like darkfic are immoral, or that darkfic itself is immoral. it means that i don't read darkfic. i understand that my comfort and discomfort are not the moral code of the universe, and furthermore, that a quest for "moral purity" is not only impossible, but actively harmful. a lesson i learned quite well growing up in the baptist church.

using the title of 'proshipper' doesn't mean that i personally like "problematic" ships or whatever, it means that i find harassing people over their fictional tastes reprehensible. it means that i understand that there's a big, big difference between what you enjoy reading in fiction and what you approve of or endorse in real life, and that part of the purpose of fiction is to give us a safe place to explore dark, fucked up shit where it won't have real-world consequences. fiction is an outlet, not a mirror.

even if i personally find the content deeply disturbing, i understand that it is simply none of my fucking business what other people read and write about, provided that they tag the content properly. that's being proship.

anyway, i'm glad that i could help relieve you of your guilt. take care, dear.

[thatiranianphantom]

Hi there.

Your ship is dead. Bullying a grown man and hiding behind ‘bUT IM A TEENAGER” is bullshit. If you have ANY ounce of dignity, just stop fucking watching the show. You are going to drain yourself and drive yourself crazy over a fictional tv ship which you don’t DESERVE. Maybe I might have had sympathy for you in season 4. Before you bullied half of the cast and lili to tears (do you remember when she had to come out and say ‘it’s a fucking tv show’ only for you to STILL whine and cry and throw your bottles? Ted is right. You are the most disrespectful, selfish freaks of fandom I’ve ever come across and I hope to god you grow the fuck up and get TV comprehension skills. Because you have ZERO. Crying about the ratings which have been falling since season 3 is not going to bring back your CORPSE of a ship. Betty and Jughead don’t even like each other and you expect them to fuck? You will cry when the writers are “sexualising teenagers!!!” But when Betty and Jughead were having roleplay sex as 16 year olds it was fine?

You cried and begged and demanded bughead sex scenes and bABY JULIET when these kids were 15/16 years old and you call out the writers for being creepy now? NOW???? You call Archie disgusting and using Betty as a “baby maker” doll, housewife, but you have wanted that woman (or CHILD) fucking rat boy and having his kids since they were literally kids themselves? Do you see the hypocrisy or should I continue?

“How DARE the writers have Betty change everything about herself for Archie that is so GROSS AND MISOGYNISTIC.”

Yep. And Betty didn’t do a serpent dance at 15 to fit into Jughead’s world?? Now that is changing herself for a boy.

You’re hypocrites and are salty because your ship is dead, the actors despise each other, and you can’t make Sprousehart edits without the feeling that it may be wrong, because rat boy is an abuser. Barchie have never tried to erase bughead. Because it happened. It was cute, and it was a thing that happened. Betty loved him.

But the fact that you constantly delude yourselves with insane theories which are wrong every single time to erase barchie is hilarious. Seriously. “It’s an au!! “Archie’s light gives Betty headaches!” “We are going back to 5x17!” “Jughead shielded Betty” “the season 6 universe was erased!” That makes it clear you see barchie as developed, and real. And a THREAT which you can’t shop unless you erase it. You can’t hide behind “it’s forced! “It came out of nowhere!” Barchie was building from the first episode. If you cannot understand the point of two mains Archie and Betty, slowly getting feelings while being with other people; you are either stupid, or a child. This show was RULED by bughead and lili and Cole can service. The teen choice award you keep talking about? WAS VERY CLEARLY THERE TO HYPE UP THE ACTORS DATING. If you can’t get??? You’re an idiot or a child. If you can’t understand the point of a slow burn which was Betty and Archie being sidelined by a psychotic fandom who bullied the writers into four season of bughead fucking in a bunker and varchie arguing with hiram, you are an idiot. Sweetie. BABES. When the fifties are over and Archie and Betty have fallen in love AGAIN, and they return to a riverdale free of darkness, Toni and Cheryl are together, Veronica and Reggie— and Jughead and Tabitha, what are you going to do? Implode? Delete? Murder a crew member? I don’t know what you will do but holy shit it will be entertaining to see you fall. A fandom who spent 7 years terrorising barchies, cast members and writers, making fake sexual assault allegations for each cast member, being disgustingly racist to Vanessa and ash, and body shaming Lili. Bullying KJ until he very clearly went off of the edge in the pandemic, and for some reason also going after your GOD rat boy. I’m saying this to you and all of you. Yes, barchies and Choni’s have said some awful things, as well as varchies. But nothing can top the entitled brats you are. And I hope when Lilis contract os over, and she reveals Cole was an abuser, she tells you all to go and fuck yourselves.

.........

..........

........

wut????

This manifesto is so very confusing to me. Somehow, you've both been stalking my blog and been paying no attention at the same time.

I'll admit, I didn't read much of this, but a few things

This is now the second time today that someone on the internet accused me of being a teen. I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but what is it about this? I am a grown ass adult. Is it something I am putting out there?

Oh please, please desperate BA anon, may I have your sympathy back??????

"Ted is right." Oof, anon. Very oof.

I would like you to go on, anon, please point out to me where anyone thought the Serpent Dance was a good decision? And where the seasons 1-4 sex parties and girls with one character trait were?

The BA stuff, I can't....I can't even....what?

What teen choice award do I keep talking about???? I am so confused????

The only thing in this.....jumble of words that offended me was you calling Cole "rat boy" (also did you imply that I love Cole? Have you....read my blog?) because I have rats and excuse you, they're amazing. Look at this leetle boy

Apologize to him this instant!

Look how upset you've made him!