#one Grew up with internal pressure and one external

[quotidianish]

Certified gay people

[sevensoulmates]

7x05 Buddie Meta "You Don't Know Me" Part 1 (of 4)

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Welp. I'm back at it again with the four-part metas. I was hoping this one wouldn't take too long but alas there was even more to unpack in this episode than last episode.

Fair warning my meta does contain speculation, and is very much my opinion/interpretation. I will be diving into my personal opinions about Eddie's sexuality and marriage to Shannon here. My headcanon is that Eddie is a repressed gay man, not bisexual, and I believe that while he did love Shannon, he was not in love with her and their marriage was something they were pressured into and was not healthy for either of them. I do my best to look at these topics in a nuanced light, but if you are sensitive to reading opinions that differ from yours I'm warning you of mine now. Let's begin!

Taylor Wong is nothing if not an amazing comedy writer. This call didn't end up being as psychological as I may have hoped but it still acts as an interesting parallel and metaphor. "I'm the Boss of Me!" is the tagline for a self-control conference and Buck and Eddie being the ones hurt here. How they got hurt is interesting too and reflects their exact conflicts in this episode.

Buck is being choked, stopping his ability to breathe but also his ability to talk. In the context of this episode, his inability to bring himself to tell Eddie the truth weighs on him--chokes him with guilt-- until he finally does come clean near the end, and only then is he able to exhale again. For Eddie, his being grabbed by the crotch is funny, but it's also an indicator of his storyline in this episode too. He deals with sexual dysfunction because learning about Marisol being a nun makes him feel so deeply uncomfortable that the idea of being with her sexually disgusts him and stops him from having a functioning sex life. For both of them, the pain and discomfort still linger even after the claw arm guy lets him go, but my hope is that this is indicative that one day both of them will get clarity and be set free too.

"Keeping our options open" is a call back to the last episode where Buck says he's "keeping his options fluid". Whereas the last episode it seemed to be more about sexuality, options open with men and women, this time it seems to be about something else. Maybe it's an indicator of Buck keeping his options open with different people? Which is interesting considering who pops up a second later.

This is part of why I think it's a good idea they're having Buck get used to queerness with another man other than Eddie. I feel like if Buck had discovered his queerness with Eddie, these kinds of issues might've been blown out of proportion on both of their ends and probably caused much MUCH bigger problems. Allowing Buck the chance to work through this with someone safer was a good bet.

Additionally, I find it interesting here that both Buck and Eddie are dealing with external and internal conflicts that mirror each other in this episode. In this instance, it's the fear of being Perceived. For Eddie, being perceived by God. For Buck, being perceived by Heteronormative Society at large.

This would be an adjustment for anyone, so I don't necessarily think Buck is dealing with internalized homophobia that's too detrimental. I think it's more so he needs an adjustment period and needs to figure out why he's uncomfortable. Is it the idea of being perceived as queer by others? Is it the idea of being perceived as queer by Eddie? Is it the fact that you are on a date with a man? Or is it because you're not sure if you're on a date with the right man? More on this when we get to his scene with Maddie.

Now I had a strong feeling that Tommy was going to be someone who only figured out who he was later in life too. And it seems a lot of that was due to his past, possibly how he grew up, and being in the 118 under Gerard who was every "ist" in the book. It goes to show how far Tommy has come and also proves to be interesting if we keep thinking of Tommy as a parallel to Eddie. I also had a feeling that Tommy was going to lean slightly more toward the gay side (though he's purposefully unlabeled which is fair).

To me, the phrase "lying about who I was" seems to align more with someone who is into men and not into women, but that's just my interpretation. Especially because in the next moment, Buck says that he's not lying about how he is, which is more in line with the bisexual experience.

Because Buck isn't lying. He was always/still currently is attracted to women, and is only just now discovering a new aspect of himself with his attraction to men. Whereas Tommy seems to be implying that when he was with women he was lying to himself about his attraction to them. Sound like anyone else we know?

Additionally, we have another call back to 7x04 (plus a myriad of other episodes) where Buck "makes it about him" when Tommy was really just trying to tell Buck more about himself, not imply that Buck was also lying. I'm going to give Buck some grace here because this is all new for him, so I understand his hyper-sensitivity. But it is once again showing another instance of Buck failing to really connect with Tommy about something related just to Tommy. Last episode, every conversation they had always found its way back to Eddie or was about Buck's feelings regarding what was happening. This time, when Tommy tries to be vulnerable and connect with Buck, Buck makes it about him and it feels like a misconnection (like how I predicted with the missed hand grab in 7x03 with Tommy and Buck trying to connect, but something always not quite hitting the intended target).

If down the road we see Tommy's (abridged) story about "lying to himself" come to fruition in a similar light with Eddie's storyline I'm going to be delighted. Here Buck is out on a date with a man who the last episode spent the entire time telling us was extremely similar to Eddie, only to have Tommy align perfectly with a lot of our headcanons about Eddie's sexuality too. I think this is something to stick a pin in to come back to later for sure.

Oh, Buck. OH, baby bi Buck. My heart aches for you and my body cringes. He's obviously on edge, but Eddie showing up just makes it worse. Buck immediately tries to no homo not just himself, but Tommy as well, stating that they're going to go find some "hot chicks" to pick up. Eddie makes a face, obviously picking up on the weirdness of Buck's statement (because "picking up chicks" is wildly out of character for current Buck and has been for years) but he's too distracted with Marisol to dig any deeper into it. He believes it very easily instead of stopping to question why else these two men might be on what looks like an intimate date. Tommy looks hurt, and I feel bad for him, but this was obviously his breaking point, and I can understand why.

I want to briefly touch on Eddie and the way he was speaking about Marisol throughout the entire episode separately from the whole nun thing. I found this piece of dialogue so odd here, because in general this isn't really how Eddie talks, it doesn't feel natural for him, but at the same time, it also harkens back to some of his horrendous dialogue with Ana back in season 5. "This hot chick already found her firefighter" "Spank me with a ruler" "kinda naughty" "Grade me on a curve" "Maybe you need to keep me after class", etc.

I've always wondered why Eddie starts talking like this about or with his girlfriends. I was discussing it with my roommate and she said to her it sounded like an "8th grade boy sitting with his guy friends trying to talk up how he banged some chick when really it's just a ploy to make himself look good to the boys and like he's more sexually active than he actually is for social clout". And you know what? I think that's exactly what it is. Eddie speaking like this feels like overcompensation on so many levels (not to mention Marisol looks lowkey uncomfortable here, that smile is fake af). Trying to make himself seem way more into sex or kinky things (like roleplaying with a teacher or nun) than he actually is. The dialogue is cringey and Ryan overacts it because the audience isn't supposed to feel comfortable with it. It's not supposed to feel natural. It's not supposed to endear us to the couple, it's meant to feel out of place and wrong because Eddie being with Ana and Marisol was and is out of place and wrong. It feels like a performance to us because IT IS A PERFORMANCE.

This is only enhanced by the new jarring information that Eddie has apparently asked Marisol to move in with him (offscreen). Keep in mind that they've been together for (I'm assuming) less than six months, he obviously didn't discuss it with anyone since both Tommy, Buck, and Bobby later are surprised. Christopher is also noticeably absent from this episode which leads me to believe he likely didn't really discuss it with him beforehand. This choice feels simultaneously like an OOC choice AND so very in character.

It's OOC because Eddie has stated that he doesn't like performing, he doesn't want a "ready-made family" and one would think that he would sit and contemplate this seriously given that if something goes wrong, he's providing another example of a failed relationship to his son. Not to mention that living with your parent's girlfriend is a huge thing. I've been through that process before in my own life with my mom and it's really only something you do if you're really committing to a person for the long haul because that's the message that sends to your kids.

But at the same time, this is also so severely in character for Eddie. As is pointed out later, he got married to Shannon because he was guilted into it, he dated Ana because he was pressured into it, and then overcommitted to her far too fast. And now he's doing the same thing with Marisol. This is very much a PATTERN for Eddie. Maybe, as this episode suggests, it's a facet of Catholic guilt that pushes Eddie to move way too fast in his relationships. Or maybe, Eddie finds the idea of being settled with a woman comforting, and he'd be okay sacrificing his happiness and settling with any woman as long as he got to have that comforting facade. All of this points to very obvious compulsory heterosexuality for me. More on this later.

I'm going to talk more about the way the show is choosing to use physical objects, Marisol's things, as a metaphor for who Marisol is, and Eddie's willingness to receive/learn about them as a literary device later. For now, I wanna talk about the exchange of Eddie being the one to bring up "closet space", Tommy being the one to say "Aint't that the truth" and point it towards Buck, who hammers it home with his "bro" line. I find it interesting that they had Eddie say this line, when it very easily could've been Marisol (after all it is her armoire) with Tommy in the middle. Tommy (IMO) is in the center of these two men's queer realization arc. The more subtle one in the earliest stages (Eddie) and the more present one (Buck). The way all of them volleyed this dialogue felt like I was watching a choreographed play, and the lines landed perfectly.

This is also the third line in five episodes specifically poking at Eddie possibly being queer alongside Tommy and Buck. "I've never seen a man turn off a woman with such skill. it's a gift" "you both like to watch half-naked men pummel each other" and now this. "You can never have enough closet space" suggesting that not only was there Tommy in the closet in the past, Buck in the closet recently (and somewhat presently given that Buck just shoved himself and Tommy back into it), and Eddie right now still deep in that closet. Hopefully, there's enough space for all y'all!

I very much liked how this went down. Tommy has a right to break things off if the person he's with clearly exhibits weirdness around being out with you. I don't blame him for his choice here. I like that he's also not making it about the fact that's he inexperienced. Additionally, I think this is another instance of Tommy witnessing something weird between Buck and Eddie, and I'm not sure how much of that he's picking up on, or if he thinks it's generally about being perceived as queer, or just needing to slow things down and process before he actually starts a relationship with a man. All are valid, but I think it's just interesting that a lot of it had to do with Eddie yet again, and I wonder how much of that Tommy is aware of.

From the start of this conversation with Maddie, Buck makes it seem like the thing that's making him uncomfortable most is the fact that he lied to Eddie about the truth of his date with Tommy. Obviously, he's not going to immediately jump into telling Maddie the truth, and he's gotta start the conversation somewhere, but I do find it interesting that rather than seeking her advice on "how to get his date back" he instead is seeking advice on why he lied to Eddie and can't bring himself to tell him the truth.

This could be deflecting because he's not yet ready to tell Maddie. Or it could be the truth that all of this angst may stem from him still trying to get comfortable in his queerness. But the main issue that isn't sitting right with his soul is that he lied to Eddie, that he's hiding a fundamental piece of the truth of who he is from Eddie. Because to Buck it is unthinkable that Eddie doesn't always know the whole truth, all of who Buck is, at all times. At this point in their relationship, they're supposed to know everything about each other, and yet something about sharing this part of himself with Eddie in particular scares him. Could it possibly be that he's aware that sometimes "straight" men get weird around their queer male friends? Could it be that he thinks his relationship with Eddie would be negatively effected if he told Eddie this truth? I will touch more on this later. But for now, Buck makes it clear that his interest isn't wholly in getting Tommy back right now. It's making sure that all is right in his relationship with Eddie.

Once again, this choice by the writers to center Eddie in every step of the way of Buck's queer realization journey is telling. Especially given that he's able to tell Maddie without ~too~ much struggle.

I understand where Buck is coming from. It's again distancing himself from Tommy, trying to get her advice about Eddie. But also, it's an attempt by him to normalize him going on a date with a man, which should be normal, but it's not in Buck's personal historical normal.

Buck wants to believe that because he was an "ally" that that means he'd just be automatically okay with dating a man right away. But I think he's trying to push himself at a speed faster than he's comfortable with (which he again does at the end by inviting Tommy to Madney's wedding) and needs to realize that he can slow down, which is a parallel with Eddie the whole episode. Which is why I think Tommy was right to step back and give him some time. The other part that is interesting is that Buck once again appears confused about the truth of his feelings, similar to the last episode and I just find it interesting in this scene where Buck and Maddie are once again talking about Eddie at her house, it's once again ambiguous if the subject Buck's really hung up on is Tommy....or Eddie. Both are true at the same time.

Go to part 2!

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

[catboybiologist]

Are you comfortable with questions about your journey to HRT?

Like, mentally how you took the leap of faith from femboy to needing something more / different. Asking for, uh, *a friend*, yeah 👀

Holy shit, this got long. This springboarded me into a massive writing about how my life influenced my personal gender philosophy, and is probably more than you bargained for. But I hope it's helpful in some way! I actually had a similar conversation recently with an NB, not on HRT friend of mine. What's the jump that makes you want to do HRT?

I don't think my experience parallels that of a lot of people's - everyone's is unique. But I do think there are good takeaways from my thoughts on this. Now that I have an Adderall prescription and my quarter is about to end, I've started writing some kind of more cited and developed essay or video essay, but that's random future stuff. This post itself is gonna be a little rambling, and a little personal. Sorry!

Vaguely, I think that the *push* to start HRT was a distinct force from tearing down the internal barriers associated with HRT, if that makes any sense. For many people, I think they have some sense of a mild preference of the gender they would "want" to be, but it doesn't bother them enough to actually break down the barriers to transition. For me, breaking those barriers, both internal and external, was as important as the motivations to transition themselves.

One of the major barriers in people's heads, often without them realizing it, is some kind of inherent belief in the "sanctity" of their body. For many people, "permanent changes" are terrifying, "unnatural", and even if they don't have medical risks, intrinsically *feel* like a medical risk they're taking on some level. It's an offshoot of purity culture in a weird way- it's the same root as a fear of psychiatric medicine making you "not you". Much of this is intrinsically religious, but a lot is actually not. I had a little bit of this growing up. Being raised atheist certainly helped in this regard, even though it was still a queerphobic slavic atheism.

The tiny bit of this I did have was sanctity of my mind, which internally, I still viewed as a separate entity from my body. This was 100% incited by crushing academic pressure, which influenced how I think and my own morality in a lot of unexpected ways. I grew up in a kind of infamously high pressure education area. It sounds unrelated, but it's really not. My mind, academics, and thinking kind of got put on a pedestal on my mind. My personal image of myself was basically a detached orb of thoughts and public speaking. I had 0 connection to my body. But since my mind was everything, both psychiatric medication and HRT were these vile things that could alter how I think and my mood! Gasp!

The final, crushing blow to both of these mentalities was studying biology. And WOW there's so much I could say about how studying biology has influenced how I think about this idea, which I want to talk about a lot more outside of the scope of just a tumblr post. But to summarize- it's not even about finding a biological "reason" for transness. It's about how I saw a living thing as a detailed, dynamic, intricate, constantly changing system that is as much a function of its environment as it is any intrinsic factors. And this includes the mind. So since I'm a shambling mass of chemicals anyways..... Why not be a shambling mass of slightly different chemicals?

The "detached orb" image isn't entirely accurate, though. Because, from an early age, I did have a self image that made me happy. And it was a female one. I shoved this deeply out of my mind in shame, leaving behind the "orb". This was my "push", as I called it before. In addition to a weird separation between my mind and my body, an additional factor contributed to my detachment- a growing distress around developing male traits during puberty, which coincided in the worst ways with academic pressure during teen and preteen years. Looking back, I now recognize this as dysphoria. I don't think my dysphoria was ever as extreme as many other people. But this is why I'm emphasizing taking down barriers as much as the weight of dysphoria itself. It has always been easy to distract from my dysphoria, but it's always been my "resting state" without realizing it.

Linked a bit to the second point is also how I felt shame about exploring any aspect of my life other than academic and professional achievement. Being raised in a high pressure environment means that any exploration of my queer identity felt like a distraction from the "real" things I should be focusing on. The final thing that tore this down, which I don't recommend for ANYONE, was an almost traumatic set of events during the pandemic/my masters degree that made me have a wake up call. I wasn't structuring anything in my life for my own happiness. Going through that made me realize I was going to continue being miserable unless I changed that. So... I started taking the idea of transitioning to actually work on my happiness very seriously.

Being a femboy was actually how I tried to reconcile these things in my head. It was my attempt to "compartmentalize"- allow myself to gently indulge in gender nonconformity and the happiness associated with it, while still not making the "commitment" to fully transition. It helps that most of my existence as a femboy was crossdressing during the height of the pandemic- spending hours on analysis and writing while living alone during my MS, wearing femme outfits while I did it. And of course, taking pics to kick off this whole online persona. I also kind of liked the idea of cis gender nonconformity as a concept, and still do. I love how femboys fuck with gender, and I wanted a slice of that for myself. It wasn't enough long term, and my new commitment to happiness overcame my desire to compartmentalize.

The final barriers were practical. By the end of my masters in 2022, I knew I wanted to transition, I just needed to get my social and financial shit together. Cue moving to my PhD university, becoming active in the queer community here, having an accepting professional environment... and yeah. Here I am. Still gotta socially transition outside of my queer circles, but now, I even have a plan for that. I still got a long way to go, but for the first time, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. And I'm very, very happy.

A lot of this is not applicable to everyone. It's mostly my personal experience. But if there is one thing that I think should apply to everyone here, it's this: kill bioessentialism in your mind. Kill the concept of complete sanctity of your mind and body. Break the barriers and then let yourself move freely across the new landscape you've opened up. At the very least, you'll come out with a more healthy relationship with your cis identity. And at best, you'll find a new part of you that needed to be found.

The other thing I think is broadly applicable is this: when initially figuring things out, stop thinking about what you "are", and start thinking about what you want. Would it make you happy to grow breasts, curves, have a femme face, estrogen regulated emotions, and other transfemme HRT changes? Because those are the actual, physical effects of HRT. If the answer is yes, start it. There's no reason not to. Your identity can come later. You deserve to be happy *for the explicit purpose of being happy*. You don't need to validate that desire through some other random factor.

This got WAAAYYYY too long, but if you have any questions, please, please ask!!!!

[mamawasatesttube]

When/how do you think Kon started like exploring his gender? Did having to change his look to fit in at smallville have smth to do with it?

you just walked into my askbox and went "i'm gonna activate tumblr user mamawasatesttube's trap card!" i hope you know this.

so YES, firstly. i do believe changing his look to fit in with everyone in smallville had something to do with it, BUT. it's not just a case of "oh small town = conservatism, homophobia, transphobia, etc". it has more to do with him having a civilian persona for the first time in his lifie, and not knowing how to do that. through all of his time in sb94, he's never really fit in with "normal people" - he was always held apart from his classmates in hawaii, then he simply never interacted with regular people while living at cadmus, and finally when he lived in metropolis in the suicide slum it was. well. not good.

so moving to smallville and having a secret identity to protect - not just his own but superman's secret identity - is a lot of pressure to perform a role he's never played before. it's not even so much about small town attitudes so much as it is just the contrast of what he's used to and the concept of "normalcy". superboy, the clone of superman who's a hero and a celebrity, has never had to worry about being normal and not drawing too much attention. conner kent, on the other hand, has to worry about that very much.

he takes out his earring. he cuts off the longer parts of his hair and lets the shaved part grow back in. he grows keenly self-conscious of being a "geek" and making too many references to this or that media. for the first time, he starts paying consistent attention to what other people think of him and how they talk about him. it's not the same as his identity crisis before, when he just was worried about being "cool" and got a makeover about it; this is about something bigger than him, something so much more important than just his reputation. he has to keep this secret. it's not freedom, at first; it's a burden he's trying to learn to carry.

that's part of why he resents smallville at first. it's a whole new set of rules and restrictions and boxes he needs to fit into. and he's used to rules and restrictions and fitting into boxes, but these ones are nothing like the ones he knew before, and the stakes feel so much higher. he misses his "freedom" from before, so he hates "conner kent" and what smallville represents.

at this point, he doesn't really know that his gender and sexuality are involved in this repression. he just knows the way he dressed before and the way he acted before get attention in a way he doesn't want now, and he assumes any feelings of ickiness and missing anything are just tied to his whole resentment of smallville. it doesn't click for a long time. he just straight up doesn't clock that he has any gender-related feelings outside the norm, and he doesn't register any of his attraction to guys as attraction. he's deeply in his "overinvested straight ally" phase (think of his interactions with hero cruz - defending him from sparx and telling her homophobia is Not Cool!!).

and then he dies.

to establish a core part of my feelings about smallville... as someone who grew up queer in small town america, i am Deeply critical of everyone who dismisses rural areas as entirely conservative, intolerant, and bigoted. these people definitely do exist in rural areas, sure, but they are by no means the only ones (and they also very much exist in urban areas, too). to that end, i don't think smallville is just a ~homophobic little town~ where kon is miserable in the closet because of external pressure.

i do think kon does languish miserably in the closet for a time. but it's a lot of internal pressure and identity issues at play, not just the worry of homophobia. he spends a lot of time introspecting after his resurrection, learning to love his life with ma; it's during this time that i think he starts to actually realize his feelings about himself are queer feelings.

one of my personal favorite headcanons is that the first person he ever admits any of this to (first that he thinks he's into guys, bc that's the first one that he actually puts together) is hero cruz. hero is definitely the friend who's been out the longest, and very possibly (though ofc this can depend on personal hcs!) his only friend who's out at this time, given that he and cassie Just broke up.

now a major reason he struggles in the closet here is the idea that being queer as conner kent would mean deviating from the "normal" as conner kent. and conner kent is supposed to be a very normal guy, to fit in and fade into the background, to not draw attention. and that's his major hangup. it's easier to consider if superboy could come out than for conner kent to come out, because superboy has never been normal. he's always been set apart. but conner kent? conner kent has a vital secret to keep. he doesn't want anyone looking at him.

he finds it harder to accept queerness as a civilian than as a hero bc as a hero he's already "weird" and "alien" (literally), right. he can be loud and proud and obnoxious there and it doesnt matter! but conner kent is supposed to be ~normal~ and not like kon-el. conner kent is keenly aware of everything that makes him not fit in, and for a long time those things bring him uncertainty and shame because he is still struggling to try and figure out how even being a civilian works, let alone living a civilian life that's """abnormal""". it takes him a hot minute to work through this.

and then senior year, there's rumors going through smallville high because this one guy wanted to bring his boyfriend to prom but the school prom committee head teacher wouldn't sell a couple's ticket to two boys who are known to be dating despite selling them to plenty of girls who say they're just going as friends, and now a bunch of students are protesting by getting same sex couple's tickets and insisting on going actually as couples, and of course kon has to join in on that, he will always stand up against injustice even as a civilian...

...and one thing leads to another, and conner kent finds himself making out with simon valentine in the back corner of the dance hall, and they crown him prom king despite it (or maybe because of it!) and he's stunned because he didn't know he was popular (because he's kind, and loved, and funny, and good) and he's still popular despite clearly being into men now, and it's not a bad thing in everyone else's eyes, and oh? that was allowed all along?

and it's freeing.

that's the first step to exploring gender. first he has to let himself admit to being queer at all, and admit to being okay with it rather than needing to repress it forever, and it's kon. of course that only happens once he can use "helping someone else" as the reason.

NOW back up a large step. there's a second component to all this i haven't dug into yet, and it's about fashion.

more to the point, it's about ttk. one of my Favorite hcs is that he practices it via fibercrafts, even before his death but especially after. first crochet, then knitting, then bobbin lace, slowly increasing the number of moving parts he's working with; he ends up making a lot of lace.

ma uses some of his little lace scraps as bookmarks. he makes a bunch of doilies and then table runners. it's genuinely great ttk practice, but really, they have a lot of lace. so kon starts learning to sew, so he can start making lace-embellished tablecloths and then some simple circle skirts and things for ma. they sell some of them at local farmers'/crafters' markets.

and kon starts wearing some of it himself. at first he's really self-conscious, but... it's something he made, and he's proud of it, and it does look really good, so. fuck it. he and ma can go to do groceries wearing matching skirts, right? (circle skirts are easier to sew than pants, okay. pants have so much more going on. he's still teaching himself, okay!!!)

it takes him a LONG minute to realize that maybe some of the "oh, i do look good in this!" feelings might, in fact, be gender euphoria. as in, he doesn't realize it until after he starts unpacking his sexuality feelings and going ohhhh. conner kent is actually allowed to be queer and that's okay. only then does he realize that uhm... maybe conner kent is, like, extra queer. like, turn up the dial and add more spice.

with time, support and encouragement from friends and family, and some exploration, he gains more confidence in exploring presentation and actually thinking about gender. he doesn't really care that much about pronouns, but he Does hate being confined to traditional masculinity - he does enjoy being masc sometimes, but he hates the idea of having to fit in it as a box. he's much happier getting to flit around from masc to femme to all sorts of places in between. he finds it freeing.

okay i have rambled so much. this is more or less my idea for how the overall arc of kon exploring queerness goes, but im sure ive forgotten bits and pieces and will remember them within like 5 minutes of hitting post. but here we are here it is ive been typing on and off for like an hour now so im cutting myself off. there it is. my kon gender and sexuality thesis.

oh one other thing. also he loves to be young justice's babygirl. okay im done now

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[pookiwookis]

widowmaker x fem reader (royalty/assassin au)

thought of this during exam season hyperfixating on widow😵‍💫😵‍💫

pretty self indulgent but i wouldn't say it's too much though.

i got tons of help from Rama (the other admin) writing this fic <3 :3

(also I'm sorry if i get anything wrong history-wise correct me if I'm wrong lol)

posted this as @Bunnyalien on Ao3 !!

(reader is a princess and widow is a spy/assassin) - mittens 🫧

Description:

Rated: R

Words: 4,669

tw: mentions of ab*se and bl**d.

Its 1880, and Amelie is part of a gang whom she considers family for they have took her in when she was ten, when her own family were taken away from her which she learns from her gang members that “they were killed by the royalty” and she was devastated for there was absolutely nothing she could do about it, because she was a child, a peasant and a girl.

Amelie was trained to be a professional sniper by said gang and she was extremely skilled, she always worked in the shadows and no one knew of her. She even gained respect, but she was mostly feared by other people who know her as “Widowmaker”.

As Amelie grew into her teenage years, not only did her skills as an assassin grow, but so did her desire to find the ones who killed her parents. She has been pressuring the gang to let her pursue her parents’ murderers for a while now, but she’s only been met with delays and excuses on how she’s not “strong” or “capable” enough. She was very young -that’s true, but she was truly exceptional. Still, that didn’t seem to convince any of the older, more experienced assassins that she was ready for this. She had been living like this for months now.

until one day she’s had enough. The gang’s elder and most respected members were having an emergency meeting regarding their next mission. Amelie up until this point has been sitting down silently, simply listening, waiting for her chance to speak. Though as the gang’s youngest and least experienced member, she knew she’d never get her chance to voice her opinion, so she took it herself. She stood up amidst the endless chatter, slammed her hands against the creaking table and yelled for everyone’s attention.

 She then reminded everyone of her mission that she’s been begging to go on for months. Once again, she was met with harsh rejections and excuses. Amelie stormed out of the little cabin with anger rushing through her veins. She ran to the one place that always provided her comfort and peace; the beautiful lake by their hideout. As she sat on one of the big rocks staring into the water, Louie approached, he was the closest member to Amelie, he basically raised her as one of his own, the familial connection felt genuine when it comes to Louie. 

At that moment Louie had confessed to her about the truth of her family’s murder, the gang who took her in- the ones she considered family were her parents’ murderers. Amelie turned to stone, she lost all faith in humankind that day, she understood the true meaning of being a peasant, her parents were murdered in cold blood and no one did anything about it…? She was spiralling- internally at least, but externally she showed no emotion. And after a while that night she felt… numb.

She had decided to keep her knowledge of the truth about her parents’ murder a secret and she swore on her life she would take down every single lying and evil rat in this hell of a gang, except for Louie of course. She’s forever grateful for him. 

–

Amelie is 35 now, the gang had a member of theirs killed wrongfully by the royal guards, the queen and king paid it no mind for they knew that  the gang members were very infamously ruthless. She was sick of this, and so were her gang, so they had a well-thought plan in which they assigned Amelie- their only female gang member, to be a spy, she dresses up as a personal maid for the royal family’s only princess and assassinates her. Amelie knew this mission was gonna take long, the king and queen knew how much their princess is sought after, so they have her extra guarded after the recent incident with the killing of the gang member.

Amelie never knew how the princess looked like because royalty aren’t allowed to be shown publicly until they’re in reign, Amelie got to take her first look at the princess through a window after she got intel from Louie, who is also in on the mission being one of the castle’s guards (the servants love to gossip), Amelie had her binoculars through said window on top of a high roof, and she won’t lie, the princess was absolutely gorgeous, she wore her bedroom attire getting ready for an afternoon nap, she couldn't help but think “how unfortunate it would be to see such a breathtaking face disappear.”

–

After successfully disguising herself as a maid, Amelie made her way up to be the princess’s personal maid, this took about 2 months. It may have been 2 months but Amelie was still extremely committed, she was enraged by both the killing of her gang member and her parents, not a day goes by without her thinking of dismembering her gang members. Amelie was very, very patient.

Amelie started working her way up the maid ranks, gradually becoming one of the princess’s personal maids, she did her maid duties and tried to assassinate her during those duties, in the morning, the maids took turns in helping the princess get into her morning gown, and when it was Amelie’s turn, she had her blade positioned, she aimed for the kill- but of course she gets interrupted by the other maid calling and knocking saying the queen is asking for her presence as quick as possible.

She took another attempt in an afternoon tea session reader liked to have by the window that overlooked the fields, and had poison that kills instantly inside the kettle. Amelie poured for reader, the princess looked at it and winced her face, “is that earl grey?” She asked “yes princess” Amelie answers simply, knowing it was one of the princess’s favorites, she thought- but then again she probably got the wrong intel, “I want to have something else” Amelie went back to the kitchen in annoyance for she had ran out of poison to kill the princess. 

Amelie does not give up, this mission will go through, she tried the same and different tactics time and time again, but to no avail, the princess really was heavily guarded. Until one lucky night (for Amelie), she managed to sneak in reader’s room, and it was four walls, Amelie and the princess- she had her laid out for her, reader was sleeping oh so soundly, Widowmaker was as quiet and light as a spider, she hovered over the sleeping princess, positioned her knife, she’s going for the kill!- but no.. she couldn’t…?

Amelie went to her bedchamber alongside the other maids who share the room with nothing but confusion, she’s even more confused about her actions than anything she has ever learned in her entire 35 years on this earth. She ceased her attempts to assassinate reader, (for the time being at least) and she’s trying to figure out what the hell happened that night. A little while later, Amelie had remained cold hearted- or at least she thought she was, she was nothing but a bundle of nerves and tension, she had felt scared. And she still wondered; why was she unable to assassinate the princess? The question remains to be unanswered for a while longer.

–

As time passed- a month or so, Amelie’s tension had transformed from draining and exhausting into exciting and fluttering. She had earned the princess’s favouritism,and that had her every glance, slightest gesture, feverishly captivating. 

Days turned into weeks, Amelie has the mission at the back of her head, but it was no shortage of an excuse she thought, she had to get herself together, Amelie’s dire curiosity for the princess only bloomed intensely, it’s slowly turning into an obsession, but of course Amelie was in a huge state of denial of her feelings, even though each meeting with the princess had beckoned her to unveil all of her secrets. Gradually, Amelie had decided to dip her toes in the water and surrender to her heart. She started to have small conversations with reader during her afternoon tea time. She learned that the king and queen are pestering her about getting into an arranged marriage, they presented her multiple options but she refused all of them. Amelie didn’t dare ask but of course she was curious. The princess recognizes this but she stays silent about her reasoning nonetheless.

A couple of days later, the king and queen hosted a ball in honor of the princess; she was expected to waltz with the princes, despite her inner dread. Amelie couldn't help but feel a little bit of sympathy for reader who obediently fulfilled her royal duties. After a long stressful night for both reader and Amelie, Amelie is looking for reader in her chambers to get her ready for bed but she’s nowhere to be found, she then found the princess sitting on a chair in the balcony (her favourite spot), she’s still in her ball gown and her make up had weathered, her eyes teary, admiring the moon.

Without thinking twice, Amelie sat beside her and to her relief, reader leaned on her shoulder as if it was breathing. It might be past midnight and everyone’s asleep but she’s still paranoid, she could be beheaded. “I'm sorry” Amelie quietly muttered, it’s the only thing she can say really. The princess started bawling her eyes out, she latched onto Amelie, and she hugged her, Amelie hesitated, but shortly after she caressed her back gently.

Reader had calmed down and she stood up hurriedly, she reached her hand out to Amelie and Amelie hesitated but shortly after, took it in confusion, “do you know how to dance?” asked reader “uh- i apologise princess- i do not”, “well, you’re going to learn today” the princess smiled bitterly. 

And so they danced alone in the middle of the dimly lit ballroom, the princess humming a familiar tune. Amelie had felt strange, she had felt electric, waltzing with the princess, their intertwined fingers had her veins pulsing and their eyes locked in desire, Amelie was in a state of shock, but she let reader sway her away anyway, no one had ever made her heart race, her skin tingling intensely like this before, and the world around them had faded into a lovely memory.

Amelie went to her chambers with a new feeling fluttering her stomach and her heart beating rapidly, the adrenaline rushing through her body, it’s safe to say she wasn’t able to sleep. Now that Amelie had earned the honour of becoming the princess’s favourite maid, she’d been in charge of most duties that included meeting her. She would shower and dress her up more frequently, they’re more alone now. One day Amelie was giving the princess a bath, she was scrubbing her back while the princess sat down, and Amelie thought she’s going insane. She had this thought, she was obsessed with it, this thought reoccurred whenever she saw the princess, it consumed her. But Amelie clenched her jaw with a dry throat and held back.

Amelie is dressing up reader and she is buttoning up her collar. The princess was looking at her intensely, but alas Amelie ignored those tempting looks, that one obsessive thought had reappeared once again. She moved to her wrist’s hem and fixed that too, suddenly reader held her hands- “look at me” she said, Amelie stayed silent and stood still for a moment before continuing fixing reader’s attire.

The princess held her hands tighter, but not to the point of pain “I order you to look at me, Amelie” she ordered, Amelie looked at the princess in hesitation, reader didn’t say much- as a matter of fact, she didn’t say anything, she just looked at Amelie in admiration, the princess appeared as though she’s waiting for Amelie, and Amelie fails to discover what she’s missing, she stayed silent and looked down instead, cherry red faced, she fixed the other hem. Another maid knocked the door, the princess allowed her in and the maid entered the room and did her duties, “saved by the bell” the princess whispered.

Reader and Amelie keep on playing these games, the princess would chase after Amelie, and Amelie always finds a reason to be needed somewhere else, even though she really isn’t. Although these games seemed endless, the princess was still amused, she felt content whenever Amelie came by, for a short while at least, for her parents made her life a living hell, ironically enough.

After a while, Amelie and reader have been getting in more and more risky situations, they haven’t kissed though- not yet, Amelie had thought about her parents and her revenge over and over again, although the princess is making it really difficult for her but she can’t seem to forget about revenge. And though it will be a tough decision, the plan will go through, she told herself.  Nevertheless, stolen kisses on the hand and cheek and fingers linking have been exchanged still, Amelie felt as if she had 2 different people residing within her body, “kill her” says one side “forget about the mission” says the other. 

–

One day, Amelie was hanging clothes in the castle hills, out in the open spring breeze, it was sunny and cloudy, the weather was nice and greenery surrounded the area. In the corner of her eye, she noticed an army coming up close, she discovered it’s the royal army, they were training and were being led by their commander, the commander looks very familiar though… the commander looks like they’re coming closer and closer, Amelie looked closely and- “oh my” she gasps softly, is that the princess?? She wondered in awe, she had no idea the princess was a trained professional royal army commander. And it was indeed the princess, reader stole Amelie for a little while, out of the army’s sight and the walls' ears.

Reader and Amelie sat by the pond- their recent shared secret place, and reader smiled brightly at Amelie, she’d been hiding something behind her back for a while now, Amelie smiled back “what is it” she giggled. The princess finally showed what she hid, it was a bouquet of roses. Safe to say Amelie was astonished, “how did you know?” She asked “you look like the type” smiled reader, Amelie brought the roses close to her to smell them “they’re amazing… really, thank you” she looked dazed “no one has ever gifted me roses before” she confessed, “well…” the princess said gently, “I’m glad I’m your first…” she whispered. At that moment, Amelie was swimming in her own conflicting thoughts.

She felt feverish, for the princess was reaching closer, and closer towards her face,  both of them stare at each other’s lips. Amelie swallowed, the obsessive thought recurred again, god I want to kiss her, Amelie thought in desperation. Amelie felt dizzy, screw it, she thought and went in for the kiss, she truly felt at the top of world, nothing else matters, she immersed herself with the electricity she felt pulsing through her veins and utmost joy and warmth. Reader lied on the grass and Amelie hovered over her, they locked hands and continued kissing.

–

The princess and Amelie keep stealing kisses in secret, sometimes they get close to getting caught but they quickly act as if they were doing their duties, and laugh away after the eyes are gone and resume kissing, they can’t let go of each other’s lips.

They spend so much time at their spot near the pond. The place is perfect for both of them, so they planted roses all around and after a short while they had a field of roses, Amelie and the princess absolutely loved it. It was their safe space. But of course eventually they have to part ways and get back to their duties. 

–

One night, they had snuck out into the city, with a help of Louie, the city was bustling with people,they had tried out all kinds of local food at a popular market, there was this popular bakery the city loved, it really was worth it’s popularity, they loved the pastries, especially the custard ones. And then they parted ways within the area of the market, Amelie had bought peonies for reader, and when they reunited, they discovered they both bought each other gifts, they count to three and to their surprise, they both had bought peonies for each other, reader and Amelie had giggled and laughed in absolute joy and leaned on each other from how hard they’d laughed.

Later on, the princess and Amelie are following Louie per his request, “i have a surprise for you two” he smiled gently at them, and they were getting closer and closer to the forests and the river nearby. There was a boat, it’s filled with various beautiful flowers. Although the boat looked a tad old, it was firm, Louie had made sure of that.

Louie told them he would be waiting for them to bring them back safely, and they got on that boat and paddled to the centre of the river. On the way there, they had splashed each other playfully, their laughs echoed through silent dark forests.

After their laughter fit, they fell quiet, they stared at the stars, reader took her eyes off the sky and turned to her lover, Amelie’s eyes glittered, she looked a little frightened. “What’s troubling you love?” Asked the princess worriedly, Amelie clasps both her hands tightly while looking at the body of water that shimmered, reader held Amelie’s hands and caressed them gently, her hands were cold, pleasantly cold, Amelie thought.  

Amelie stays silent for a moment, she finally mustered up the courage to say what she’d been hiding for so long, “it’s okay darling..” said reader kissing her hands, Amelie sighed “I have wanted- I’ve wanted to say something for months now” she uttered, reader smiled at her reassuring her that it was okay, whatever Amelie was going to say, she’s completely ready to hear. 

Amelie then gradually went on a rambling fit about how she was sent here for one thing and one thing only, assassinate her. And by the end of it her hands started shaking, her eyes pouring tears, reader didn’t say anything for the moment, instead, she held Amelie close, she.. hugged her? Amelie thought she would have thrown her off the boat as soon as she heard her confession, but she didn’t. The princess took Amelie’s hands off her face, Amelie was still shaking, her head held low, she couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“My love,” reader said, “had you killed me, I would’ve been freed from two things, my pointless, miserable life and imprisonment.. this life, it was not made for me, my dear. So do not cry, your tears are far too precious, if anything, you’ve saved me, you set me free”. Reader said holding Amelie’s face, Amelie was in a state of mixed emotions, she felt terribly bad that the princess felt that way towards her life, after all, she was nothing but a ball of happiness whenever they’re together, but she was also glad her lover doesn’t hate her. Reader peppered Amelie with kisses all over and they giggled for a bit, bitter sweetly. Amelie shifted to look directly at the princess again “ Mon cher.. je t'aime” she whispered, reader shone brightly, “so do i”. And for the first time ever, she actually felt there was more to life, more precious, than avenging her parents’ death.

–

One night, the princess and Amelie had snuck out and held hands on their way to the pond. There was a pleasant breeze, along with a light drizzle, it was lovely. It was one of the only times where they could truly have complete freedom and not worry about any passer-bys. They lied down on the grass and talked, talked and talked, about everything nothing, about how Amelie’s family were killed, about her plan on avenging them, and about reader’s parents, their verbal abuse,and how she wished she wasn’t born into royalty, they both let out everything heavy out of their chests, they also talked about their lives are so much brighter now that they’re together, how their lives had a purpose now, a proper one. And then they finally came to talk about the idea of running away together. Reader spoke of it first as an unrealistic but really nice thought.

“What if- what if we actually did?” asked Amelie, genuinely, reader laughed “oh you're serious?” her laugh stopped, Amelie nodded, “I don’t think that’s possible dear” she muttered “but why not?” asked Amelie, she situated her body so that she looked at reader’s eyes, she elaborated by asking her if she really wants to live the rest of her life like this, not only are her parents abusive, but she’s going to be the ruler of this kingdom for the rest of her life, and they both know she absolutely hated the whole idea of it, all reader wanted was to live in a cottage and possibly own a small farm or garden near a river, she talked about how she wished to never have been born into a royal family where she had to inherit the crown and be queen, because society and her parents force her to. And Amelie loved the idea of living in a cottage, it sounded so.. Domestic, something she’d pour her whole heart into building, have a cat or two even.. It sounded so nice.

But alas reader was still against the idea, she told her she still had a kingdom and people to rule in the near future,  Amelie asked her what would happen in their future, are they going to have to hide behind trees and sneak out just to meet? Reader was left speechless, she hadn’t thought of their relationship that far ahead yet. Amelie had left their spot without a word, and the princess sat still, both held glossy eyes, one with a frown and the other with a sorrowful face.

They spent the next few days not talking, Amelie still had to do her usual duties with the princess, Amelie’s mannerisms had turned so very cold, it reminded reader of how she acted when they first met. She didn’t like that look. But it will sort itself out, reader thought wishfully. 

By the end of the day Amelie was dismissed of her duties for the night, she closed the princess’s chamber doors, but she suddenly heard a loud cry, terror took over Amelie’s face, she rapidly opened the doors, she saw red, she hurried to her side “how did this happen??” Amelie panicked, she grabbed a towel and pressed on the wound, “the mirror fell on me” she uttered, reader was sweating, pain filling her voice “it’s nothing though, really” she assured her, “your majesty- you’re bleeding heavily it’s not-” Amelie spoke, but she was cut off by reader “do not call me that.” her face hardened. Amelie was taken aback, but continued tending to the princess’s injury, “I can't leave you bleeding.” is all she mumbled.

Amelie’s attempt at tending to reader’s wound was a success, she was trained in that area, Amelie was thankful it came handy when it counted, she clenched her jaw, she didn’t mean to make her feel the way she did- when she called her that title, even though they weren’t speaking anymore. A few months pass, they’re still not talking, Amelie didn’t even know what she was doing here, she felt miserable. She thought about ditching the place once and for all, yeah that sounds like a good idea…

–

A few days had gone by, the king and queen had hosted yet another annual ball, she heard gossip from the other servants about reader getting engaged soon, Amelie’s eyes widened in disbelief, her heart shattered hearing those words, hands shaking in pure anger and sadness. She had decided she’s going to stay for a little while, she wanted to hear it from the princess herself.

The awaited, dreadful time came, Amelie stayed quiet for the longest while, and then finally, finally, reader uttered her first words in a while to Amelie about something not regarding her duties, “have you heard about the engagement..?” she asked and Amelie turned to stone for a moment, then continued tidying the princess’s ball gown “so it’s true then” she stated, testing the waters, deep down Amelie had truly wanted her to deny this but her own desperate thoughts were cut off when reader answered her “yes it is”. Amelie smiled fiercely, she went behind reader to fix her corset, “well, i wish you a happy life”.

Amelie had finished with the ball gown, she was about to leave- “wait!” exclaimed reader “I still need a few things tidied in my chambers” she ordered. What's strange is that her room was already tidy and clean, and Amelie couldn’t do anything but obey, but really, she wanted to stay, just a little while longer.

The ball had started, the guests had arrived, and reader was dancing with the princes, who all seemed to have the same damn face, and although reader’s face was gloomy, she shined as bright as the sun in the midst of all the swarming other guests in Amelie’s eyes. She stared at her previous lover in admiration and dismalness at the same time, it reminded her of the time when they danced under the moonlight, it was truly an ecstatic night.

The prince reader was dancing with had asked her about her worries, and reader smiled at him fakely, “I'm just thinking, I apologise”. And in the corner of the princess’s eye, she spots Amelie, and suddenly, it all dawned on her, she had realised- she does not want to do this. But then Amelie left in a hurry, and reader followed her suit. She didn’t care about anything else, she sprinted after her with a tunnel vision. It’s not too late yet, she thought.

“Amelie wait!” she yelled, “i can’t do this anymore, reader. I’m leaving tonight.” She stated “I want to go with you.” the princess said firmly, shock clouded Amelie’s features, “but.. What about your kingdom? You would leave your people behind?” then reader replied with conviction “I’ve been living up to others’ expectations for far too long. I want to live for myself, even if it means i will have to face the unknown”, Amelie looked at her, warningly “it won’t be easy you know. We’ll have to build a new life from scratch” reader nodded “I’d rather start a new life with you than continue here, I want to live, and that won’t happen as long as i stay here, Amelie”, Amelie doesn’t waste a second and takes reader’s hands and kissed her lovingly and quickly, reader chuckled with teary eyes “c’mon we don’t have time” she giggled, and then they finally do it, they finally ran away together.

Epilogue 

A couple of years go by, Amelie and reader had settled in a cottage, having both a small garden and a farm full of chickens, and they owned 3 cats, they also had a little shop in the village they live nearby that thrived, far far away from the city they originally came from, Louie was their neighbour, he got married and has 2 adorable toddlers and they would visit each other often, their lives couldn’t have been more perfect.

One day Amelie heard word of her gang, Louie had visited their old town for some unfinished business and told her it was the only thing their old town talked of, every single member of the gang were beheaded for “kidnapping the princess”. Amelie ran to tell reader the good news, they hugged each other tightly and cried in each other’s arms, they had truly felt blissful and content.

[spritehouse]

many thoughts about arospec hotch

one of my favorite hotch hcs is arospec (aromantic spectrum - someone who experiences limited romantic attraction/romantic attraction that is not considered "typical" or "alloromantic") & i've been projecting thinking about it a lot

(this turned into a whole essay. more below the cut)

first of all, teenage/young hotch realizing he's arospec, and struggling to come to terms with it.

realizing you don't experience romantic (or sexual) attraction the way media and fairytales portray heroes/protagonists finding love at first sight and living happily ever is difficult, and i hc hotch struggled with the idea a lot.

this hc goes hand in hand with a lot of my other young hotch hcs (you can find those here), especially 1. he's from a small town, and 2. both external and internal pressures to be like his father.

growing up in a small, undiverse town is restricting, especially for someone who doesn't fit into the majority/falls into a minority, and young hotch struggled with imagining the future laid out for him— a successful layers, high school sweetheart, perfect picket house family, etc.— but he grew up thinking he didn't have a choice.

haley

im not 100% a hotch/haley shipper but im a solid supporter, & i do strongly believe hotch loved, and still loves, haley, but i also hc their relationship started because hotch felt pressured to get a girlfriend and chose someone who he felt his parents would like who was also attractive to him and ended up becoming romantically attracted to her while they were dating.

i also hc that hotch's sexuality had a huge impact on his grief for haley. he had found someone he genuinely loved and was attracted to romantically who, at least for a while, understood/was understanding with him, which can feel like a 1-in-a-million thing (especially when you're from a small town where everyone knows everybody), and he lost it.

beth

i hc beth solidified the difference between romantic desire and romantic attraction for hotch; he loved her and wanted to be with her, but he wasn't romantically attracted to her.

[kithtaehyung]

I don’t wanna invalidate opinions but I would like to throw some things out there that might help reframe window for those who didn’t like it (and correct me if I’m off base here Ryen also I never properly talked about window yet so I guess this counts as part of it 🫣😂) but like….

Okay so feel like most media, especially the ones I grew up with is supersaturated with unrealistic, rose colored portrayals of intimacy, both platonic and romantic. Conflict is shown as only an external force that can be overcome with “true love.” But…love is not always enough. It’s a powerful motivator but it isn’t an airtight bottle you can shove all the difficult conversations and thoughts in until the pressure peaks . It’s only recently that creators are starting to push back against the cliche stereotypes that we’ve had for decades. And we’ve never had more diversity and freedom to be creative than we do now but we still have a long fucking way to go. There’s still a lack of depth that leads to expectations that can never be met. It leads to so much unnecessary disappointment with real life. And it’s lowkey toxic af. How is anyone supposed to know how to actually relate to another person, how to be a good friend or even how to know if someone else is being a good friend if we never get to see the little things. The small moments shared in silence, the tears, the misunderstandings, the effort it takes to stay feeling connected to someone else, to stayed connected to yourself.

Real intimacy is not a straight, even valley you need to pass in order to get to a beautiful meadow of “happily ever after.” Real intimacy requires patience, persistence, and communication. It’s a never ending fluctuation of real work. No one can give 100% all the time, but that’s why it’s shared. When you can only give 20 percent, the other person needs to be willing to give the other 80 and you have to be open to do the same. And most importantly it requires grace; the ability to be patient and forgive others when they find themselves being less than. Getting to have a peak into Yoongi’s mindset in 3tan is a privilege you can’t get in real life bc we’re not mind readers. In fact, it highlights that fact. We can’t know what others are thinking unless we ask and truly listen. Period. It reminds us that there are in fact two individually complex humans involved that have their own needs and wants and worries and doubts. And like communication between two people is one thing, but communication with yourself??? That takes a lifetime of conscious effort. You have to choose to improve, to self reflect. And it’s going to be uncomfortable, no might’s or maybe’s. But how can anyone know what they need in a relationship or what they can even bring to a relationship if they don’t sort it out with themselves first?

Reader and Yoongi have realistic flaws that they are not only aware of but are willing to work on in order to make a relationship work. They have internal battles they have to work through if they’re ever going to be able to fight the external ones. Instead of judging each other for how they’re feeling, they push each other to be vulnerable enough to share so they can listen and understand bc they want this. They want it all. Yoongi climbing through that window was him giving reader that 80 percent when she could only give 20. I also don’t think it’s fair to fault reader for that when we’ve seen proof they’re willing to do that for Yoongi too (I guess I haven’t seen what specific things people didn’t like about it so I’m making some assumptions). We saw it, staying to wash those dishes and refusing to leave unsaid thoughts floating just out of reach between them was her 80 when Yoongi was shutting down. She deserved an explanation to his change in behavior that felt complete and genuine and she was brave enough to stop hiding behind the coy words that were keeping them both safe, that they both were using as a shield. They were lucky, they got to hear exactly what they thought they could only hope for. But even if they hadn’t, at least they could walk away knowing they had done all they could. They could have mourned what could have been with less regrets.

And last thing before I step off my soapbox and end this Tedtalk (have we reached max capacity for metaphor yet??? 😂🤦🏽‍♀️), I understand that people use escapism as a coping mechanism (and like all things is def unhealthy in excess). I think it’s safe to say we’re all pretty much here for that. We’re on this platform and following and reading content from creators like Ryen who are willing and excited to share their work with us as whatever we need it to be bc we are looking for something to connect with. Ryen has stated multiple times she wants this to be a comfort for people and that it is one for her. It’s scary sharing a story like this so publicly. It’s intimate and revealing and she shared it knowing that she doesn’t have complete control on who has access to it. If you’re looking for a story that paves a smoother path then maybe 3tan is just not for you 🤷🏽‍♀️ and that’s more than okay. We’re so lucky to be in a digital age where a large portion of the population has access to an obscene amount of content. There’s going to be something out there that fits what you’re looking for if that’s what you want. But my completely unsolicited advice and hope for everyone is that they consume media that allows them to not only escape from the unpleasantries of life but also expands the way we might think about the complex dynamics of just…existing. Nobody has all the right answers but I bet if we all share the things that help and comfort us like Ryen does and meet it with “I’m so happy you felt you could share this with me and I feel like I know you better now” when it doesn’t fit into what we want or whatever expectations we create, then we’d all walk through this life feeling a little more understood and a little more understanding. And I’m not saying I don’t also enjoy and even love the easy, rosy happily ever afters. I do, but I’m beginning to understand that they give me something different than the complex and angst filled stories. I’m 100% not always up to diving into a story like 3tan that really gets me thinking and analyzing (this is like 1k words too late to say hi don’t perceive me and my many long winded 3tan reviews 🫣🙃😂 but like…shhh) and so when I’m not, I don’t 🤷🏽‍♀️. Luckily, for now, it’s there for whenever I want and that’s amazing. And when I do, I try really hard to put even a fraction of the work it takes the creator into my response/ reception BC WOW PEOPLE ARE SO TALENTED AND BRAVE AND DOING THEIR BEST.

If you made it this far, thanks for coming to my Tedtalk and welcome to my overthinking and exhausted brain. Did I write this on my flight home as a way to push back my post concert depression? Yes, yes I did.

(Ryen I love you and am endlessly grateful for your big beautiful brain and I hope you enjoy LA 🖤🖤🖤)

i…. i….. wow?? thank you?? what the hell do i even say to this i’m speechless🧍‍♀️

mikayla i guess i won’t say much (because you’ve pretty much said everything so eloquently and beautifully, and i barely slept on the whole flight here and am just now getting to lie down) but just know this made me feel a whole lot better. damn.

thank you for saying all of this. at its core, 3tan is about life. beauty in the mundane. extraordinary in the ordinary. a lot of my inspiration comes from hayao miyazaki, tbh, because i’ve been so enamored by the way he took time to add in the most simplest of things like fixing a shoe that wasn’t fully put on, or someone staring just a bit longer at the surrounding scenery. it’s those moments that i wanna capture here, too, because there’s something to love even in the milliseconds.

and as far as love and communication and trust and self-reflection, it’s been quite a journey writing this series bc even though i’m writing it, i truly feel like I’m learning and growing alongside these people, too. it’s been quite the pleasure, and i’m grateful as hell for anyone that’s here, was here, or will stumble across this series somehow. I wanna keep it a comfort series and one that, as you said, makes people think about their own journeys, too.

gahhh I really don’t have any other commentary bc you’ve said plenty and it’s incredible.. seriously, thank you. i’m unbelievably touched and will think about this tedtalk ask for a long, long time.

[aching-tummies]

Norovirus is going around a lot, you know. Sure would be a shame if your tummy started churning for no obvious reason and trying to evacuate itself from both ends....even worse if you ate soooo much food right as it was coming on so there's a heavy load to be sloshed around. What would you do in that situation? If you realized the rumbles were starting to unsettle your belly more and more, and the pain beginning to squeeze up sour burps?

o///o

Anon…are you a mind-reader? The idea of the stomach virus having a full tank to wreak havoc with has been a low-key fantasy of mine for ages. It's something I've never really been able to write scenarios for because I have little-to-no personal experience with stomach flu and/or vomiting.

In the realm of this blog, I'm not super interested in what happens at either end. My main fixation is on the torso and what's going on within so the idea of the stomach churning and cramping for hours and hours in vain is more my speed.

RP-Scenario below. Note that it is a work of fiction, not one of my stories inspired by real experiences.

"Unnngh…" I groan, doubling over as I press my arms against my stomach with all the force I can muster. Instant-regret. I can't help but whimper at the sharp pain that results from displacing the contents of my belly. Note to self: humans are not built like toothpaste tubes…you can't just squeeze and expect the goop to come out of whichever end.

I feel the thick mass of stomach contents surge back into place, my digestive organs straining from both internal and external pressure. Talk about a rock and a hard place for the walls of my stomach.

It's February…so Valentine's Day has been on everyone's mind for a while now. Considering how January came and went with no opportunities to get together, my partner and I decided to go all-out for Valentine's Day. We maanged to line up our respective work-schedules to get a day off in the vicinity of February 14. We were debating between ramen and all-you-can-eat sushi. In the end, "both is good" became our answer.

I suggested ramen for lunch. My stomach had been doing flips since the night before. I assumed it was just nerves for the date. I didn't want a nervous tummy ache derailing our date, so I skipped breakfast. As much as I love sushi and ramen, I opted for ramen for my first meal of the day because I thought broth would be easier on a nervous tummy. Also, with ramen, there's a defined end-point of the meal. I didn't trust myself to tackle all-you-can-eat sushi on a nervous tummy.

The ramen sat pretty heavy in my tummy all day, despite the broth. I felt pretty full after the ramen. Luckily, I was with good company, company enough to distract me from being hyper-aware of the state of my tummy all day. After the ramen, we walked around for a bit. We stumbled upon an arcade and played far too many rounds of some variation of DDR. I was beginning to suspect something was wrong when I still felt my stomach sloshing with the ramen and broth after such vigorous exercise. You'd think all that jumping and jostling would have coaxed my stomach to digest…but most of lunch was still sloshing around in my tummy.

We stopped by a library after the arcade--home turf for me as I grew up going to that library and used it often as a broke post-secondary student. We browsed the shelves for a while, shared book recommendations, and checked local events and seminars and whatever for things of interest. This library also has a really nice cafe in it. I brought them there and they got sucked in by a book I insisted they had to give a shot as it was what I had thought about when they shared some elements of an RPG they were playing months back. They were hooked. While they fell into a fictional world, I took the opportunity to sneak off to the washroom in the library to assess the state of my belly and to try and coax it into a better state.

Thank Heaven the washroom was single-stall and in a relatively low-traffic area of the library. I knew the place like the back of my hand and knew that this little corner was a haven for washroom emergencies. Luckily, I wasn't interrupted. I basically manhandled my guts, prodding and squeezing my belly as I tried to shake off the upset that was brewing. Something must have worked. I managed to get most of the ramen and broth to siphon into my intestines. It wasn't comfortable, but it was head and shoulders above feeling the warm slosh and wet tickle at the base of my esophagus all day. Yeah, my stomach was sore from the rough massage, but I had a date to finish and I wasn't going to let an upset tummy derail the long-awaited date.

When I rejoined my partner, they had decided to look into the book series I recommended. They put a hand on their tummy and it let out the most adorable grumble right at that moment. They told me they were hungry and suggested going for the sushi we had opted not to get for lunch. My tummy definitely wasn't up for more food…but I couldn't think of a non-embarrassing excuse, so I went along with it.

It is currently just passed 9PM. I got back from the date about an hour ago. I'm still in the cute outfit I agonized over all morning…not by choice. I usually hate wearing 'outside' clothes while I am at home, especially if I am alone as I am. Unfortunately, the last hour has been filled with a SNAFU that has taken my mind off of lounging clothing.

It's not a nervous tummy. It probably never was 'just nerves'. I didn't check my emails at all today, not wanting to be disrespectful to my date and all that…so I missed it.

Leah, one of my besties, and I had a bit of a 'study date' a couple of days ago. She's currently enrolled in a couple of courses that are supposed to help her in her career, and I'm debating going back to school for another degree/certification and hoping it'll help me land better job prospects. The two of us opted to study our respective fields together because we both focus better in a library-setting/away from home…and having someone we trust to watch our stuff if we need to use the washroom is a load off of our minds when the alternative has always been to use the washroom first, set up our study area, and tank it for maybe 2-4 hours until nature calls again or we get hungry or whatever.

Leah had forgotten her water bottle that day. Part of it was fear that it would spill on her laptop, so she had debated whether or not to bring it and ended up forgetting it on her kitchen counter anyway. We've been friends for more than a decade so we ended up sharing my waterbottle, passing it back and forth.

Leah emailed me this morning. Apparently, she's down and out with a nasty case of Norovirus. She spent all of the night making offerings to the porcelain throne. She emailed me to warn me that she could have been asymptomatic/incubating the virus when we shared the waterbottle…so…she told me to be prepared and to sanitize the bottle (her exact words, "kill it with fire")…the same waterbottle that I had brought on my date today…that I had drank out of multiple times today. Yeah…if I wasn't infected the day I was with Leah, I definitely must have done it to myself today.

The sushi is sitting like a hunk of cement in my stomach. Despite the upset tummy, I ate a lot. It was 'all you can eat' so I knew I was going to get my money's worth. Also, it would have been awkward to stop eating when my date was still going at it with gusto. Piece-by-piece, I loaded up my stomach like a novice tetris player. My poor stomach was packed like a tin of sardines by the halflway mark…and my date was still showing no signs of slowing down.

That leads us to now. I've been in and out of the washroom at least seven times in the last hour. I stopped counting around my fourth unproductive trip.

My stomach will clench and I'll feel a dizzying sensation, like a whirlpool has spontaneously manifested inside of my guts at some random point and is churning my stomach-contents at an alarming rate…and I'll race the combined nausea and urge to go to the washroom…with nothing to show for it.

I'm beyond frustrated right now. My tummy is packed so tight that it feels as rigid and solid as the bathroom counter I've been white-knuckling as I desperately try to get my churning stomach and clenching torso to agree on which end to eject the sick and stuff from.

All I have to show for my hour of frustration is what feels like a very bruised tummy (I've been really, really rough with it, trying to squeeze the mess to either end with no success) and a small handful of nasty, barely-there-belches. Sushi tastes great going down. Ramen tastes great going down. The aftertaste, should it come back up, is revolting. It's sour and salty, and the gross hot air I've coaxed up my throat honestly makes me wonder if warlocks are real and if one of them cursed me in such a way that my entire digestive tract did a 180. The taste of those burps is disgusting! If the taste of the hot air is bad, I don't even want to imagine the hell that's brewing in my stomach.

My stomach clenches painfully. Fresh tears race down my cheeks, squeezed out by my tightly-shut eyes as I bite my lip and white-knuckle the counter next to me. It hurts! Ithurtsithurtsithurts!

Twenty minutes later, the cramp ebbs with nothing to show for it. The tug-o-war in my digestive tract continues as my digestive organs try to decide which end will get the nastiness that continues to brew within. I can't decide between 'I'd kill for someone else's hands on my belly right now' vs. the image of clawing out my griping insides and wringing them out like a stubborn tube of toothpaste, pushing the sickly goop of norovirus and too-much-food out before re-inserting the guts where they belong.

[travlersjoy444]

Bad Moon Rising (Pt. 7)

 TOH Hunter/Golden Guard x reader

 Masks and Bets part seven, in which...ahahAHAHAHAH YOU MORTALS AREN'T READY FOR THIS-

Masks and Bets (Part 1)

Masks and Beasts (Part 2)

Masked and Beat (Part 3)

Masked (and Unmasked) On the Seas (Part 4)

Cracks in a Mask (Part 5)

Revelations (Part 6)

Word count: 2k

*******

I swung the first sword at the target, breathing heavily. Sweat soaked my back and hands- it was getting harder to hold onto the sabers as they grew slippery. I hit the next target, gasping for more air…

  I was not a combat witch.

  To be entirely fair to myself, I was physically fit. I just tired out too quickly to be very useful without my spells. And of course, combat was easy when I had my magic, but….well…it was immature, but Hunter was a great fighter without any magic, and…I kind of envied that.

  I missed the next target, much to my chagrin, but hit the next one.

  Speaking of Hunter…

  I sighed, slicing the punching bag open. Feathers exploded out of it, making a mess that I wasn’t looking forward to cleaning.

  Hunter. In my mind, the Golden Guard and Hunter still felt like different people. Goldie was my coworker-turned-friend, and Hunter was my crush. Kind of. 

  So what was he now? 

  I hissed in frustration, stabbing the half-destroyed punching bag.

  This isn’t fair. The one time I get a crush on someone, and they're secretly my work partner.

  I smacked the falling-apart leather with the flat of my sword.

  “Woah, what did that punching bag ever do to you?” 

  I looked up to see a scout standing at the training room door.

  “It knew too much.” I answered as coolly as I could muster, sliding the training swords into their sheaths.

  “Jeez (Y/N), what did you do?” Laughed the scout. I recognized their voice- Steve.

  “I’d tell ya, but then I’d have to kill you.” I grinned, tossing my cloak back onto my shoulders. “See you around, Steve.”

  “See ya!” He waved as I exited the room.

  I entered the armory to return the training swords, sighing as I put them up. I still can’t fight well enough yet. This sucks. Practicing sucks. 

  That’s not true: practicing stuff I’m good at is fun, but practicing this….sucks. 

  I let my eyes wander to the side of the armory that held the staffs. I used to use one, back before I was in the coven- a tall gold staff, with a black and gold bat perched on the top. I had wrapped the middle bit with brown dragon leather in hopes of gripping it easier…It had, of course, been confiscated upon joining the coven. 

  But after last week’s palismen hunt, my old palisman had been on my mind…I had found him in the woods instead of carving him on my own, and I still wondered who his witch was before me.

  Not that it mattered. Belos had probably absorbed my bat’s soul or something- that was likely why he confiscated palismen. To cure his stupid curse.

  I trudged back up to my room, shoulders slumped. I wished I could just…leave this place…leave all my troubles behind…I wished I could get my palisman back, and fly away from it all. Away from Belos, away from Hunter, away from the atrocities I had committed under the guise of helping witch-kind…

  I shoved the door open, collapsing onto my bed. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a spy…

  Maybe, argued a voice in my head, maybe I’m a child. A child who’s under a lot of internal and external pressure. Maybe I’m tired.

  I curled up on the quilt, trying to breathe…better. Fucking emotions.

  There was a knock on the doorframe. “Hey…(Y/N)?”

  Thorns. It’s Hunter. 

  “Hunter.” I coughed, trying desperately to wipe my eyes as I sat up. “What do you want?” 

  “Um…well, I wanted to…talk, but if you’re busy…”

  My face burned, and I wished I had my mask. Kikimora’s dragon had eaten my old one.

  “I’m…a bit busy, yeah.” I snorted half-heartedly. “Just…forget this ever happened.”

  Hunter frowned. “ ‘This’?”

  “You know, walking in on me crying!” I snapped. I took a deep breath- I hadn’t meant to snap…

  Hunter seemed relieved though. “O-kay, you meant…good. Great! I mean- Well, obviously not that great- well…are you okay.” He said it like a statement.

  “I’ll be fine.” I said firmly, wiping my eyes again just to be sure they were dry. They weren’t.

  Hunter nodded, obviously unconvinced. “Well…you don’t look okay. I mean…you look good, but distressed. You look distressed.”

  I gave a half-laugh. “Thanks for the clarification…I guess.” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “I’ve got some stuff on my mind is all. A…A lot of stuff, you know how it goes.”

  He nodded, sitting on the bed by me. “Is it…Lilith stuff?”

  “Some of it.” I whispered.

  “Do you…wanna talk about it?” He said softly, fidgeting with his gloved hands.

  Do I wanna talk about it?

  I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the rising feelings inside of me. 

  Anger at Belos, anger with myself, resentment towards Lilith, frustration with Hunter, sadness for my past….it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair it isn't fair!

  Like a tsunami, everything wanted to just pour out…

  I swallowed. “I’m just…really fucking helpless.” I whispered, curling in on myself.

  I felt an arm around me. Hunter. 

  “You’ve got a lot to deal with. That makes sense….” He paused, accidentally meeting my eyes. He blushed and looked away. “But you’re also…really competent, (Y/N). Lilith would be proud.”  

  I stared at him, fighting the urge to pull him into a hug.

  I apparently didn’t have to, because he beat me to it. I stiffened, but let myself melt into it.

  “I’m really glad you’re my work partner.” I mumbled into his shoulder.

  “Me too.” He whispered back, squeezing my hand as he pulled away.

  I sighed, wiping my eyes again. “Well. Anyways….what did you want to talk about?”

  He frowned, taking a book out of his satchel. “Well…I found something kinda weird while helping rebuild the portal…”

  Belos was rebuilding the portal?!

  “I found it on his work table, and he said I could have it, ‘cause it’s blank. Um…it isn’t blank though. I didn’t read much, but it has your name on it. So. I thought you should probably have it.”

  He shrugged, handing me the little leather book.

    Once upon a time there was a witch. Now that would be all well and good if it weren’t 1656, but it was, unfortunately, 1656. 

It all starts with Adam, of course....but we'll get there soon.

  Hi, I’m (Y/N) (L/N), and I think I know too much.

  It was the book. The one Belos had confiscated…what the hell is going on?!

  “Thanks, Hunter.” I said, trying to force a smile.

  “Yeah, well…that’s all, really. So. I- I’ll leave now.” He said awkwardly.

  “See ya,” I waved, refocusing on the little leather-bound journal.

  Hi, I’m (Y/N) (L/N), and I think I know too much.

  Well, I don’t go by (Y/N) anymore, and Adam doesn’t go by the name Hunter… It’s been a weird few years.

  To start at the beginning- if you’re reading this, your name is probably either Hunter or (Y/N), and you’re really confused right now. You’re probably having a fairly normal day…Sorry, I’m about to ruin that. 

  Wow, I dunno how to break it to you, but…Belos is evil.

   And he isn’t even really named Belos. 

  There once was a man named Philip, who would later become our good ‘ol emperor. He was from another world, and came to this one with his brother and their best friend- Caleb Wittebane and Lune Byrne. I don’t know too much about Caleb and Lune, but I do know that Lune wasn’t from the same place as Caleb and Philip? Just….somewhere in the human realm, essentially.

  And they found this world through a portal. Caleb and Lune were enamored by all the wonder and majesty of this place, and fell in love with the Boiling Isles.

  Philip…did not. 

  He hated witchcraft, afraid it would lead mankind to great peril. So when Lune ‘abandoned’ him for a potions career and Caleb fell in love with a witch, Philip….killed them.There was some more stuff in between, but…death was certainly prevalent.

  Pretty terrible, yeah? Well. It gets worse…he used the bones of Caleb and Lune to create creatures known as ‘Grimwalkers’, a sort of magical clone. 

  That’s why I know you’re either Hunter or (Y/N), of course. Only grimwalker eyes can read what I’ve written- to anyone else, it appears blank. 

  Well…as I’m writing this, Adam and I have escaped the castle. We’re laying low, going by different names and using concealment stones- as far as anyone in the coven knows, we just disappeared. 

  But you’re next, (Y/N) and Hunter. It’s only a matter of time before he tires of you, and you join the pile of bones in the head of the Titan.

  Head spinning, I stared at the book. Grimwalker? But….I wasn’t raised in the castle, I was raised by my parents! A-and who the heck was Philip?! And…..was the author still alive?

  There was a knock on the door. “Hey, Hotshot?”

  Darius.

  “Um…come in.” I sighed, hiding the book under my pillow.

  Darius swung the door open dramatically. “You missed afternoon tea, Hotshot.”

  Shoot. “...Oh yeah. I forgot, I-I’m sorry. It’s been a weird day.”

  He frowned. “Did you hear about Raine?”

  I quirked my eyebrow. “Huh?”

  “I take it you didn’t, then.” He sighed, sitting on the bed next to me. “Well, Raine Whispers was caught betraying the Emperor. Eber and I were sent to stop them…but they said that you were up to something.”

  My heart dropped. “What?”

  “Yes. They claimed that you had been sent to Terra, that you’d discovered something…and that Edalyn Clawthorne told them that you were spying for Lilith.” He shrugged, filing his nails casually.

  “Darius, please- I promise, she was lying, she’s trying to confuse you, obviously- Why would I be against Belos? He’s not- not trying to kill me or anything- Um-”

  Darius smirked, looking up. “It’s alright, Hotshot….You’re not the only spy in our midst.”

  I stared at him, eyes wide. “You- You’re against him?”

  “Seems I’m not the only one then, am I?”

  I smiled. “No. No, you’re right. I’m spying on the coven.”

  Darius grinned. “Perfect.”

  “Who else is there?”

  “You, me, Eberwolf, and Raine.” 

  I beamed. “Great! Great. Do you guys have like- secret spy meets?”

  “Well, yes…See you at afternoon tea tomorrow, Hotshot. Don’t miss it.” He said, standing up.

  “Yessir.” I nodded, grinning.

  Maybe I’m not so alone after all.

*******

  I sat on my bed, reading the journal. After the first jarring message, the author seemed more keen on using it like a diary.

  It’s weird, living normally- we’ve moved into the town of Bonesborough, claiming to be a couple named Adam Specter and Sparrow Bryony. Adam dyed his hair brown, and I’ve been hiding my short hair with a wig. There’ve been missing posters put up all over the isles, but since we always have masks on as the Silver Sorcerer and the Golden Guard, no one has connected us to the Emperor’s coven! 

  Our latest worry has been trying to save you, frankly. Adam and I may not be great with kids, but I think we’re better guardians then Belos- by far….

*******

Thirty years ago

  Sparrow finished writing the last paragraph, closing the little book. It had been a very strange few months, starting when Adam saw something he wasn’t supposed to, and leading to this…

  “Fiances, eh Adam?” She smirked as he entered the room, referring to earlier in the day- when Adam had introduced her as his partner to their new neighbors.

  He shrugged coolly as he could muster. “Well…it seemed logical. And it’ll keep the scouts off our back.” 

  “Will it?” Sparrow pressed, grinning.

  “You act like you don’t want to become a Specter, M’lady.” He teased.

  “Hm…I’m not sure I do. You’d make a lovely Bryony though my good sir....”

  “You drive a hard bargain. But I like that name, so….Out of curiosity, why’d you pick it?”

  Sparrow shrugged. “Well…it means ‘strength’. Overcoming things, you know? I guess…I guess that just felt symbolic. It reminded me of us.”

  Adam pursed his lips. “Well thorns, I just picked mine because ‘Specter’ means ‘ghosts’. And I thought it’d be kinda funny to name the one of grimwalkers ‘Spectra Specter’.”

  Sparrow laughed. “Wow, you really do hate children.”

  He held his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I’ll take your last name- you’re right, it is cooler.”

  “‘Adam Bryony’...I like it.”

  Adam smiled, taking her hand. “Me too.”

*******

Author’s note: Whilst (Y/N) remains gender neutral, Sparrow and one other (Y/N) grimwalker both have set genders- Sparrow is female and Nico (who you’ll meet soon) is male. They all have the same body, but they are still different people.

Maybe I should've name this chapter Revelations instead

Taglist:

@vievi

@generousdoodleforillustration

@harlanfalcon

@ronipiamka

[granulesofsand]

Alters Identifying Outside the Body

Do we all know that alters use the brain and body differently? I’ve seen at least two people saying that alters cannot have disorders the body doesn’t, which is blatantly not true.

Disorders

Alters cannot have a disorder in the body that the body is incapable of; no permanent neurodivergencies or other changes that don’t relate to the physiology shifts in switching. If an alter presents that way, it’s likely to be the brain’s emulation of the disorder.

However. There are disorders that can be alter specific. Some alters can have PTSD while others don’t operate that way— it’s a shift in brain function as well as structure, so while the brain scans will be similar to a singlet with PTSD, different alters can operate around it.

Eyesight, blood pressure, personality disorders. All of those can be functionally achieved so that some alters have the disorder and others don’t. The changes in brain and body can be acquired, and alters can operate on different timelines. It’s about the way their map affects their externalities.

Cultural Identity

That’s part of the reason I’m okay with alters being trans in a way their body isn’t. My view of gender in the brain focuses on cultural adaptions, some of which are vaguely biological. I can’t find a reason why an alter can’t have the experience of being trans, except for the possibility of not living that way externally. And not all trans singlets do either?

Same for alters who appear as Deaf. They can have the same kind of psychogenic hearing loss as a singlet plus a variety of abnormalities in their brain and ears that only effect that alter. I’m not upset when systems who are hearing have alters who are deaf or hard of hearing, and I think that they should have access to Deaf spaces if they’re affected like Deaf singlets.

Special Considerations

Not every system is going to have alters who keep their internal differences while out in the body. Not every system has alters who only have experiences as themselves. I can see how that would change which terms those alters can use.

But I still want to meet alters who consider those features part of their identity, and I don’t like blanket statements about what is appropriate for them. We are trans, we are HOH. I want to meet people like me, even if their body isn’t lined up with that.

Ethnicity

One of our grandparents is mixed Asian, but we’re so white-passing our family didn’t know. We were raised with a culture we had no blood relation to, and our side of the family grew up bullied for features we couldn’t explain. We are more Indonesian than Irish, which is the closest thing to safe culture we had.

The alters in our system vary even further because of what they were forced to be. We don’t want to claim aspects of identity we don’t qualify for, but it’s not been a simple puzzle to find which we can. Many of us do want healthy ancestral ties and traditions, and so far we’re coming up empty.

Ground-Up

Some of us still struggle to find a place in communities our body undeniably belongs to, let alone any gray area. It’s hard to start over after leaving a high control group, and we had no connections outside of it.

We don’t want other people to have to fight for community the way we have, and I’d rather provide shelter to those who don’t need it than turn away someone who does. Of course it still matters how other people feel about it, but we don’t want to set the standard as “no”.

TL;DR: There are complexities to identity. If you are uncomfortable, communicate that and negotiate boundaries. We are okay with alters who identify independent of their system’s body.

[tloubraininfection]

SPOILERS for both games and everything TLOU!

For the longest time I thought I had it all figured out. It seemed so clear to me that:

1.Joel`s choice was utterly selfish. I understood it, I shared his view and most likely would`ve done the same, but it still felt like a transgression against Ellie.

2.Ellie wanted to be the cure even if it meant she had to die and that chance was stolen from her by the person she loved the most.

Simple, right? Sure, but also mostly wrong.

After a conversation with brilliant @ellieswlliams about the same subject all my views started to shake. And I was unable to let it go, it was bugging me so much. To the point I had to review my opinions about these subjects, because they no longer felt genuine. I’ve explored the subject of selflessness in my other note, but I really wanted to talk about Ellie and her choice. Because it seemed the most difficult thing her me to wrap my head around.

Because I still believe Ellie wanted to be the cure and it`s more than likely that she knew she`ll have to sacrifice her life and she was more than willing to do that. What I failed to examine though was why. Maybe that’s what she wanted, but why was it what she wanted? I got so stuck on the lie and the stealing away her agency and the betrayal I missed the bigger problem.

If she`s ready to sacrifice herself why not let her? What if it makes her happy? What if she wants it to be her life’s purpose? Why was I so adamant that she ought to have that choice? When it`s not really even a choice? How is it a decision if you are making it under pressure? Internal and external, under pressure from your own survivors guilt and the pressure from other people telling you it’s on you to save the whole world? And on top of that you are just a 14-year-old who barely had any time or opportunity to live for yourself. Sure, she`s robbed of that agency and that choice by both Joel and the Fireflies, but was she even supposed to have that agency in the first place? She`s a kid, the responsibility should fall on her parents!

Well, yeah, there are no parents, Ellie is an orphan who grew up in the system. The first parent figure she`s met that seems to care was Marlene and it quickly turned out she cared mostly because of her bitemark and everything that entailed, it had nothing to do with Ellie. But Joel was different, he was the first adult to care for her, to laugh at her jokes, to treat her like a kid and nothing more than a kid. Making sure she`s fed, warm and safe, but also really paying attention to her, finding comics for her, teaching her important life skills, listening to her and doing his best to preserve whatever innocence she had left. And later on the first parent figure to really love her.

I think Ellie`s motivations for wanting to be the cure come mostly from guilt. Not only the initial survivors guilt from the time she got bit, but also from everything she had to do to survive their journey. But I believe there is one more thing and it`s love. Of course she wants to save the world and all the people, but most of all she wants to save the world for Joel. Ellie really wants to save Joel back, after everything he’s done for her. I think it goes down to the fact that she loves as fiercely as he does. She wantes to lay her own life down, because she couldn’t imagine any other way to show that she loves and cares. Saving the world was about dying, not living. It`s understandable that under such conditions she feels she`s failed and all the guilt is back with vengeance.

The thing is she`s actually succeeded. Well, the world is probably doomed, but that was no fault of Ellie, but she managed to save Joel, because there is more than one way to save someone and she saved his soul, his humanity, his personhood. I wish she understood that, I wish it was something that was explored in the II part of the game.  The fact that “saving the world” can mean different things. Sometimes it`s giving a kid a future and sometimes it`s giving an old man a second chance at love and parenting. And that your great purpose in life can be being a goofy child, it can be all about you.

It`s yet another thing I was able to understand thanks to @ellieswlliams and she wrote it better than I could, so I`ll redirect you to her post:

I think it`s beautiful and I wish so much the second game was about that, about Ellie learning that living for a cause is not worse than dying for it. And that a cause can be your life, however small and insignificant. It can be all about living, learning, exploring, loving. We spend so much time in the second game violently killing, but so little time actually living. Why can’t Ellie`s immunity be just for her?

Lastly, is the world willing to sacrifice a child for its own survival even worth saving? Who are they even saving this world for? There is a brilliant story by Ursula K. Le Guin “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas” (I`m going to spoil the whole thing, so please skip this part or better yet just read it, it`s short and fantastic!). It’s a story about the utopian city of Omelas, place of endless happiness. The only catch is all that happiness is only possible because somewhere underneath the city there is a child hidden away and forced to live in perpetual suffering for the good of Omelas. Once citizens are old enough the secret is revealed to them and most of them, even though initially shocked and appalled, accept it, but there are also those who can`t. Marlene sees the injustice of Ellie`s sacrifice and she accepts it as a necessary evil, Joel on the other hand walks away carrying the child in his arms. The world will have to manage on its own.

Le Guin story ends with: "The place they go towards is a place even less imaginable to most of us than the city of happiness. I cannot describe it at all. It is possible it does not exist. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas."

Thank you @ellieswlliams for rocking that boat and for teaching me a very important lesson!

[zvaigzdelasas]

On April 26, 2022, the United States Africa Command (AFRICOM) announced that they had set up an office in the U.S. Embassy in Lusaka, Zambia. According to AFRICOM Brigadier General Peter Bailey,[...] the Office of Security Cooperation would be based in the U.S. Embassy building. Social media in Zambia buzzed with rumors about the creation of a U.S. military base in the country. Defense Minister Ambrose Lufuma released a statement to say that “Zambia has no intention whatsoever of establishing or hosting any military bases on Zambian soil.” “Over our dead bodies” will the United States have a military base in Zambia, said Dr. Fred M’membe, the president of the Socialist Party of Zambia.

Brigadier General Bailey of AFRICOM had met with Zambia’s President Hakainde Hichilema during his visit to Lusaka. Hichilema’s government faces serious economic challenges despite the fact that Zambia has one of the richest resources of raw materials in the world. When Zambia’s total public debt grew to nearly $27 billion (with an external debt of approximately $14.5 billion), it returned to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) in December 2021 for financial assistance, resulting in an IMF-induced spiral of debt.

Two months after Hichilema met with the AFRICOM team, he hosted IMF Deputy Managing Director Antoinette M. Sayeh in June, who thanked President Hichilema for his commitment to the IMF “reform plans.” These plans include a general austerity package that will not only cause the Zambian population to be in the grip of poverty but will also prevent the Zambian government from exercising its sovereignty.

Dr. M’membe, president of the Socialist Party, has emerged as a major voice against the United States military presence in his country. Defense Minister Lufuma’s claim that the United States is not building a base in Zambia elicits a chuckle from M’membe. “I think there is an element of ignorance on his part,” M’membe told me. “This is sheer naivety. He [Lufuma] does not understand that practically there is no difference between a U.S. military base and an AFRICOM office. It’s just a matter of semantics to conceal their real intentions.”

The real intentions, M’membe told me, are for the United States to use Zambia’s location “to monitor, to control, and to quickly reach the other countries in the region.” Zambia and its neighbor, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, he said, “possess not less than 70 percent of the world’s cobalt reserves. There are huge copper reserves and other minerals needed for modern technologies [in both these countries].” Partly, M’membe said, “this is what has heightened interest in Zambia.” Zambia is operating as a “puppet regime,” M’membe said, a government that is de jure independent but de facto “completely dependent on an outside power and subject to its orders,” M’membe added, while referring to the U.S. interference in the functioning of the Zambian government. Despite his campaign promises in 2021, President Hichilema has followed the same IMF-dependent policies as his unpopular predecessor Edgar Lungu. However, in terms of a U.S. base, even Lungu had resisted the U.S. pressure to allow this kind of office to come up on Zambian soil.

After news broke out about the establishment of the office, former Zambian Permanent Representative to the African Union, Emmanuel Mwamba, rushed to see Hichilema and caution him not to make this deal. Ambassador Mwamba said that other former presidents of Zambia—Lungu (2015-2021), Michael Sata (2011-2014), Rupiah Banda (2008-2011) and Levy Mwanawasa (2002-2008)—had also refused to allow AFRICOM to enter the country since its creation in 2007.

Zambia’s Defense Minister Lufuma argues that the “office” set up in Lusaka is to assist the Zambian forces in the United Nations Multidimensional Stabilization Mission in the Central African Republic (MINUSCA). Since 2014, the United States has provided around 136 million kwacha ($8 million) to assist the Zambian military. Lufuma said that this office will merely continue that work. In fact, Zambia is not even one of the top five troop contributing countries to MINUSCA (these include Bangladesh, Cameroon, Egypt, Pakistan and Rwanda). Lufuma’s reason, therefore, seems like a fig leaf.

Neither Zambia nor the United States military has made public the agreement signed in April. The failure to release the text has led to a great deal of speculation, which is natural. Meanwhile, in Ghana, where a defense cooperation agreement was signed between the two countries in May 2018, the United States had initially said that it was merely creating a warehouse and an office for its military, which then turned out to mean that the United States military was taking charge of one of the three airport terminals at Accra airport and has since used it as its base of operations in West Africa. “From the experience of Ghana, we know what it is,” M’membe told me, while speaking about the American plan to make an office in the U.S. Embassy in Zambia. “It is not [very] different from a base. It will slowly but surely grow into a full-scale base.”

From the first whiff that the United States might create an AFRICOM base on the continent, opposition grew swiftly. It was led by former South African President Thabo Mbeki and his Defense Minister at that time, Mosiuoa Lekota, both of whom lobbied the African Union and the Southern African Development Community to reject any U.S. base on the continent. Over the past five years, however, the appetite for full-scale rejection of bases has withered despite an African Union resolution against allowing the establishment of such bases in 2016. The U.S. military has 29 known military bases in 15 of the African countries.

Not only have 15 African countries ignored their own regional body’s advice when it comes to allowing foreign countries to establish military bases there, but the African Union (AU) has itself allowed the United States to create a military attaché’s office inside the AU building in Addis Ababa. “The AU that resisted AFRICOM in 2007,” M’membe told me, “is not the AU of today.

1 Jul 22

[maya-matlin]

I have to follow up with my favorite blogger (you) about Nathan---do you think he was still a realistically flawed character as he aged? Because he became more like a somewhat flat, generic hero to me. Like Brooke was still quick to anger, impulsive, etc but it feels like Nathan became just kind of perfect? Brave, sweet, strong, loving, protective of everyone deserving of it, thoughtful, romantic, resourceful, resilient etc etc etc. And on one hand I get it because he was not just a husband but a father, so they couldn't make him TOO flawed, but at the same time it seems like he grew out of every character flaw and became this generic hero in a way? irl I would love to marry a Nathan (who wouldn't?!) but as a character he definitely became flatter and less layered imo.

You're way too sweet. I don't know how or why, but thank you. :p

Hmm. I don't think those criticisms are completely unfounded. Nathan was objectively a far more flawed character during seasons 1-5. I guess the thing to remember is that unlike someone like Brooke, Nathan settled down at a young age. In fact, he basically chose that life for himself. After growing up with two toxic, abusive parents who spent most of their time either working away from home or putting a tremendous, unhealthy pressure on Nathan to succeed, ultimately Nathan craved independence and stability. So when Haley entered his life and their relationship became more serious, Nathan in turn started to mature. He was dealing with more adult problems while the other characters such as Brooke were still mostly dealing with teen stuff where, to a degree, the adults still called the shots. Then, Haley got pregnant and he and Haley became parents at only eighteen years old. So by the time Nathan was in his early twenties, he was a lot more settled and had basically sown his wild oats. Barring his depression and temporary paralysis which led to the Carrie fiasco, Nathan was a pretty solid husband and father, more or less making good decisions. I totally get why seeing the more together, wiser Nathan would make him less compelling. I won't pretend like I think his story lines during later seasons were on the same level or quite as dynamic as in the high school years, but I don't think it's necessarily unrealistic. It's just kind of something that organically happened. Nathan and Haley got their shit together pretty quickly. Once they'd gone to therapy and worked through everything following their second separation, it seemed as though the majority of the problems were more external than internal? Like, even when Nathan was accused of fathering another woman's child, there was this reassurance that there was no chance it would turn out to be true. It's implied Nathan was a little careless on the road and Haley even notes Nathan being a teen dad who never got to have wild and crazy times (I wholeheartedly disagree considering pre-series Nathan slept with everyone) being a possible motivation for a drunken one night stand. But obviously, those moments were off screen and none of that ever came to pass. There's a fine line because on the one hand, Nathan could have continued to make more mistakes and been the character driving the story. However, there's a delicate balance because once that happens, you run the risk of having the character continue to repeat past mistakes. This is what fucked Lucas during the later seasons. Seasons 2 and 3 Lucas seemed very committed to being a better guy and not repeating his season 1 mistakes only to do exactly that, caring very little about his romantic partner as long as whoever she was fit into his perfect fantasy of having Nathan's life starting a family. So in that way, I'm glad that Nathan proved over and over again that he was growing and didn't necessarily need to be the same temperamental, self destructive guy. Also, One Tree Hill went on for too long. Nathan's arc CLEARLY ended with season 6 when he finally made it to the NBA. After that, they were just throwing stuff at him.

[power-chords]

Brief pause on the usual fandom funny business. What is Michael Mann trying to say about the performance of masculinity and its relationship to rage, to violence? That is what I am puzzling out. This is my personal project, and of all the books and journal articles I have read on his work, the answer to this question seems woefully unaddressed. (Because the published scholarship that exists on Michael Mann has been written, by and large, by men.)

Thief, Heat, and Collateral are all in agreement that there is a conscious drama being enacted, the performance of vocation, but also its interrelation with the performance of gender — its constructed language, behaviors, affectations, expectations. That there is an unstable divide, a tricky barrier, between the authentic self and the assumption of the role. It can amplify and reveal, and it can obscure and delude. It may be transparent or refractive like glass, like a lens; protective or restrictive like steel, like prison bars.

If Michael Mann presents us with a barrier, it is with the explicit intention of testing it, subjecting it to maximum pressure. What withstands the assault? Where are the weak points, how and when do they crumble? Through the cracks, what seeps through? What melts, transforms, changes shape? What explodes?

He’s clear that nothing survives the intruding forces of capitalist violence, that participation in the market transaction necessarily invites a Trojan Horse, a literal and metaphorical time bomb. Domestic sanctity — fantasy, really — is breached, over and over again, by dangerous invaders, agents of an external enemy. And yet internal containment measures are surprisingly durable. What I mean to say is: does Michael Mann really believe that Frank is not the type of guy who would hit his wife? Not the type of guy you have good reason to believe might one day, eventually, perhaps inevitably, cross that line?

No, of course not. Michael Mann, post-graduate documentarian of Vietnam veterans and former revolutionaries? Method director who spent months upon months immersed in American prisons and precincts, becoming the Hollywood poet laureate of cops and criminals? Second generation immigrant Jew who grew up in inner city Chicago? Of course fucking not.

But he wants this to be true. We want this to be true. Part of the romance and magic of the Michael Mann film is that we believe it to be possible — it is an emergent, almost unconscious proposition that we gradually absorb as self-evident.

It’s such a precious fantasy to me, and a part of me just loves it, is infatuated with it, finds it so irresistibly beautiful. That a Frank or a Neil McCauley or a Vincent Hanna (wait until you read Heat 2!!!) will always stop short, at the right moment, at that sole immovable, impenetrable line. That Frank will pull a gun on anyone and everyone but Jessie, he will wrestle her into his car and drive off and bellow at her, but he would never, ever do a bunch of things to her. That McCauley will intimidate a woman, chase after her, but he won’t strike her; she's always free to go. That Vincent Hanna will lash out at radio transceivers and television sets but not his wife’s belongings. That Chris Shiherlis will turn around and throw shit at the wall, in the opposite direction, but never at Charlene. Never at his child.

[kitchenalia]

[just a warning that this isn’t a political manifesto. this is just about my years of experience with internalized misogyny and dysphoria. obviously, personal and specific, and your own experiences may not align because of that.]

it’s uncomfortable and upsetting to see language like “escaping womanhood,” because it reflects one of the ways that i felt growing up and one of the reasons that i was so heavily disconnected from myself for years. it’s the sort of bare-bones truth of the situation. womanhood (being a woman, not just looking feminine) is bad/a prison, and if somebody was offering me an escape route to something else, i wanted to take it. being a woman meant being seen as inferior to men, and since men define the human standard, that usually meant being treated as less than human. i grew up aware of misogyny, experienced sexual assault, and read widely enough to understand that these were all global incidences; to me, it felt inescapable, and i felt scared and frustrated that this would be my lot in life.

and i began to receive the message that girls who felt this way were often not uncomfortable with misogyny—they were uncomfortable because the inferior role of women in society is at least somewhat natural, so discomfort indicated being something other than a woman. women were comfortable with their lot in life, or at least didn’t feel severe distress over it. that was labeled social dysphoria, and it allowed me to mentally disconnect myself from the experiences of sexism, even when i was still physically and socially experiencing them. it was like being numbed, but without treating the wounds. i think that it was misogyny that drove me to that disconnect, but the cognitive dissonance between believing in feminism and seeing women as full people eventually just broke through. i couldn’t reconcile my political beliefs and care for women with what i was saying and doing to myself. i realized, finally, that i was attempting to leave women behind.

the question isn’t whether i could have escaped womanhood in the end, or if i could have tried harder and been “successful.” the question is: how many more women could have followed in my footsteps before the route for escape was cut off? ‘womanhood’ isn’t a prison of punishment for being feminine and enjoying subjugation. it’s a prison of control and convenience; the only crime necessary is to have been born female in a patriarchal society. was my great-grandmother trapped in an abusive relationship for decades because she liked dresses? were my ancestors denied their own names because they derived comfort from being controlled? it wasn’t tenable. i couldn’t believe this version of history. i couldn’t reconcile that view of the world with everything that i knew about women, i couldn’t handle the idea that millions or billions of women were just happy with the way that men treated them. i couldn’t believe that i was special among them in feeling disgust, discomfort, and the desire for freedom. because i wasn’t.

sometimes people assume now that i have a “female identity” or internal feeling of being a woman, or that i just enjoy performing femininity. they see me as having shifted from having a gender-neutral identity to a feminine one. this isn’t reflective of my experience at all. what i experienced was a shift from using the numbing language of mind-body dualism to using scientific and socially accurate language for myself and my experiences. i went from trying to block out my body to understanding it as part of myself. i went from seeing misogyny as something that i’m dealing with temporarily (just until society sees me accurately, as someone who doesn’t deserve misogyny) to seeing sexism as something that no woman chooses to experience. i do not have an internal identity of “woman” that informs the way that i dress or speak; i experience external societal pressures to perform “being a woman” correctly to others. i am a woman because this is the way that i was born, and i am still uncomfortable saying this sometimes. i still want to block out the painful parts, but i no longer want to pretend that feeling human is a symptom of not being a woman. misogyny was forced on me, but it was also forced on every other woman, so escape stopped being my goal. getting rid of the prison itself became something possible to me because i let it become so.

this is so messy and all over the place. it’s hard to talk about dysphoria still, even years out after...whatever it is you call it when you come back home to the awareness of being female. (i don’t call it reidentifying for reasons stated in the above paragraph. this isn’t an identity that i have, it’s a reflection of my reality.) it makes people angry; either your feelings were never legitimate and you were just confused about your true ‘woman identity,’ or you never should have fallen victim to misogyny and are embarrassing/stupid for having done so. i don’t even know what point i’m trying to make other than to say that the idea of “escaping womanhood” is a familiar one to me. it’s a political decision to define womanhood a certain way so that you leave yourself out of it. then you can view misogyny as happening to strangers, strangers who are, however unfortunately, the correct targets of it. when it happens to you, it’s wrong, because you’re different. it prevents you from having to engage with misogyny from a painful, messy, and deeply personal place. i can understand it and that’s what is upsetting about it, and i know how difficult it can be to overcome it.