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theodora3022 · 3 years

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Selfish Deeds (Yandere! Gojou Satoru)

Summary: Satoru just wants you to be free of danger. If you are so knowledgeable why can’t you understand that he only wish the best for you?

A/N: This is just one snippet of many out of a collection(haven't decide the name just yet)...Since I have not read the manga(anime-only for now) so I just got a vague impression of what Gojou has been through, but that does not stop me from writing him like the cocky bastard he is. Hopefully it is not too OOC(as if yandere variant itself is not OOC enough pfttt) The reader is a stubborn psycho because that is what I am :) Will there be some future pieces that involves nsfw elements? I got a few ideas but no promises.

I blame @popi-the-fatui for my Gojou brainrots. You got your revenge on me by making me attracted to this dubious man. Word count: 1.6k

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Warnings: Female pronouns, Possessive behaviour, DELUSIONAL behaviour, non-consensual touching, power inbalance, general yandere content, slight mention of confinement and violence(This is not a healthy relationship dynamic!!!), reader is not a soft UWU girl, kthis is so self indulgent *buries myself into the bottomless pit of shame

It has been nearly fifteen minutes since the headquarter disconnected the call, yet you are still staring at your phone screen with disbelief.

You were supposed to travel to another city for a mission tomorrow, they had notified you of this mission a week ago.

You already got your luggage packed, and your theoretical research on the objective is thoroughly done. Then they dare to inform you: they have found a more suitable candidate! Right on the day before your departure too.

Your curse techniques have already limited you to more of a supporting role for most situations. There are not plenty of missions available for you to begin with. While you are content with educating the fresh blood of the community in classrooms the majority of the time, you still long for field actions every once in a while. It is an essential part of being a Jujutsu sorcerer after all.

Both you and the soft-spoken secretary who made the call know this is nonsense. The higher-ups recognize that you are one of, if not the best sorcerers available when it comes to reconnaissance and espionage.

Letting out a sigh of immeasurable frustration, you swore to yourself that you will find out who is the conductor of this humiliating turn of events. This is going to be difficult since you do not recall having any issues with any of the administration staff recently.

There is no reversing this misfortune, but at least you can be aware of who is responsible for such violation of conduct.

He is only doing this to protect you.

Gojou Satoru tells himself as such, at least.

He is aware of how unfair it is, to make someone less capable to take on the job. But he cannot risk your safety. The man has already got used to your company, and he is not willing to just let you disappear from his field of view for more than a week. Sure, you might have not admitted how much you like him yet, but it is just too endearing to see you flustered at his flirtatious words.

Although there have been some difficulties with rescheduling, he managed to use his connections to exclude you from that first-grade mission at last minute. On the bright side, the sorcerer cannot wait to lend you an ear to vent about how conservative and unfair the higher-ups can be. Maybe you will even say yes to a trip to the newest local bakery! You need some sweet treats to cheer yourself up, don’t you?

But Satoru has never thought about how you specialize in putting two and two together. (understandable since he never saw you in action before).

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Strange, you are not near the usual area in the library.

Sensing his footsteps, you opened your office door before Satoru had a chance to knock.

“We need to talk, Gojou-san.” That expression is new. This is the first time he sees you genuinely angry, which is to be expected.

But somehow he got a bad feeling about this.

You did not even invite him to sit down, instead just standing next to the floor window, arm crossed, with your back turned to him.

“Why would you do such a thing?” You have to use up all of your self-control to prevent yourself from having a full blow-up right at Gojou Satoru. Maintain composure. But it is easier said then done.

Does he think this is funny? To sabotage someone else's sorcerer career like this? You knew you should have kept him out of your daily life, as he is nothing but trouble to you. But you made the mistake of choosing to tolerate him, and some superficial part of you might even enjoy his dallying words a bit too much.

To the extent, you overlooked some red flags. This is a grievous error indeed.

Shit, now that he vaguely remembers what role you play on missions.“(y/n)-chan, what are you saying-” He knows you always act in supporting positions, however, he has overlooked your actual abilities and curse techniques. You collect intel and spy on enemies, how could he forget that? “Don’t play dumb with me. You got your ways, I got mine. There is no use denying what you have done. I thought you out of all people would understand what it means to be a sorcerer.”

This is a violation of protocol, changing mission assignments at the last minute. However, you know this man would not be receiving any solid punishment should you decide to report this. They would say there is “no harm done” and you would just receive a pitiful apology. Suppose you cannot blame them though.

They need Gojou Satoru, the Jujutsu community needs his prowess to keep innocent people safe. He will remain in the system no matter what.

Why are you questioning his motives? Does he have to spell it out for you? Letter by letter?

“You are not a skilled combatant, (y/n)-chan. What if you got yourself hurt?” Or even worse, killed. It scares him to think that you could be gone one day, how he would walk by this office corridor and never sees you sitting behind the desk ever again.

Not much in this world could send Gojou Satoru a chill down his spine, yet the thought of you dying is now on the list. He knows how petty this is, you wouldn’t be the one doing the actual exorcising after all. But the if, the slight possibilty.

He cannot allow that to happen, not ever. Even that means angering you and getting yelled at.

“What am I, some normal lawful citizen? I am a sorcerer just like you, Gojou-san. Putting ourselves on the line for innocents is part of the deal.” You let out a few short, sarcastic giggles, narrowing your eyes at him with fury. “It’s funny that you, out of all people, fail to understand that. If I am needed I will do what I must. If this is some sort of sick joke, stop it already, not funny. ”

Blunt, unrelenting stubbornness. Not like that’s news for him, Satoru has lots of experience with that since the day your path crossed. Although he finds this quality to be adorable most of the time, it can pose major problems like the present.

Oh, he is not angry at you. Satoru is more outraged at himself, don’t you worry. On the contrary, he is rather intrigued by your sarcastic remarks! However…

Instead of walking towards where you stood near the window, the man decides to take a turn towards the door.

That flashing panic within your eyes did not escape his sight.

The illusion figure you were projecting near the window dissipated instantly once he got your left wrist in his hand. Concealing yourself and projecting illusions, a rare techique indeed.

“Clever tactic. Making yourself invisible, projecting a faux illusion to distract me, leaving the door open and staying close to the exit. Your curse techniques are impressive. I almost got fooled, job well-done (y/n)-chan.”

The grip on your wrist suddenly tightens, you have to bite your lip to hold back a hiss of pain. How can he still flash that casual, playful smile when committing such atrocity? Those damned cerulean blue eyes too, you are ashamed of how you tremble and (internally) swoon at it at the same time.

Efforts to get away would most likely be futile, but you have to try. “See, you underestimated your opponent. I do see why you are good with lurking in the shadows now. Do you have any idea what I am capable of though?” Such delicate hands, it would be a shame if they were to bruise.

It’s unnerving how easy it looks for him to maintain a solid grip on your wrist while you pull back with all of your might. You know Gojou Satoru is strong and all, but this simple demonstration of strength is devastatingly effective. “Let go of me, you bastard!”

To your surprise, he softens his grip and you finally distanced yourself from him, panting and guarded. “Who are you to decide what I should and what I should not do? I made it crystal clear on the first day that I do not like you for the slightest.”

You know the walls are thin and coworkers might heard you, but you will have to worry about it later. It is, sadly, a matter of fact that you are somehow attracted to him, but that does not give him the right to use it against you. You must not give in to the temptation.

“You are pretty slow on the uptake for someone so smart. I was thinking of doing this naturally, we can go on normal dates to coffee shops, amusement parks, or even the museum if that is what you wish for. But now I see you do not know how much you mean to me.” Do you think Gojou-san is only flirting with you for the fun of it? It might have been the case in the beginning, but that is not the case since...recently.

He did not stop you again when you turned away, giving him one last menacing look and disappeared from his sight, even if he could see the faint trace of your curse energy. You will return to him and apologize after you calm down, he is confident about that. You value your job way too much to quit.

Then he could finally pull you into his arms, saying he does not mind and forgive your childish tantrums. Satoru does not plan to lock you up in a cage or anything(yet)! The students adore you and they need your guidance. Your clan is insignificant compared to his, your influence? Does he even need to consider that?

Gojou Satoru would always achieve his goals by whatever means possible. You are no exception to this.

#yandere fanfiction #yandere jjk #yandere jujutsu kaisen #yandere gojo #yandere gojou satoru #yandere x you #yandere gojou satoru x you #*screams into the sea of Quanta #I was a clown when I said I won't simp for him #tw: dark content #tw: yandere

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kewltie · 5 years

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Izuku breathes, deep shaky breaths that make his lungs rattle. Then he raises a clenched fist up to knock against the door. Once. Twice. Several more times in quick succession before the door is yank open to reveal an annoyed and exhausted looking Katsuki.

"What the fuck are you doing out here this late?" he hisses, gripping the door like it’s the only thing that keep him standing. "It’s almost passed midnight. You should be in your bed!

Wordlessly, Izuku pushes pass Katsuki. He strolls in and stops in the middle of the bedchamber, turning around to face his husband. Determination lines his shoulders and carries in his voice. "I'll be sleeping here tonight," he declares to the room at large.

The master bedroom of the manor is ubiquitously large and spaced out with sparse furniture. There is a large four poster bed pressed up against one side of the wall and underneath Izuku’s feet is gorgeous deep burgundy fur rug. While Katsuki had clearly spent some times here, this entire room doesn’t feel live in.

The candlelight from the oil lamp in Izuku's left hand flickers ominously under Katsuki's weltering glare. "What?!" he demands, kicking the door close with a loud thump. "Have you gone—" He pauses and shakes his head. "What am I even saying, it's you and your maddening ideas."

Izuku raises his chin defiantly. "The servants have been talking. Whispering behind my back," he says, looking away momentarily. Right hand clenches at his side. "You haven't visited my bedchamber since I've arrived here and I'm not the only one who noticed that." He smiles thinly.

"They're servants," Katsuki says with a flippant wave of his hand that makes Izuku feel like an errant child getting dismissed. "Let them talk."

Izuku's eyes flash in the amber glow of the room. "You left me in charge of the estate so I can't have them think so little of me that my own husband avoids my bed like the plague. How will they respect me now?"

Katsuki sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What do you suggest then?"

Izuku waves a hand toward the rumbled bed. "We'll sleep together," he says, and then at Katsuki's silent look of horror and disbelief, he blushes furiously. "N-not like that! Just platonically!"

"I wasn't thinking of that either!" Katsuki snaps back, face just as red as Izuku now. "Get your mind out of the fucking gutter."

Izuku almost drop his face into his hand and groan. This entire sequence of event is already embarrassing at it is, but they're married. They aren’t newlyweds anymore. Which, quite frankly, made it even worst.

It'd been five years. They're neither the same hormonal, clumsy sixteen years old anymore, standing on either side of the bedroom on their nuptial night, but even now the suggestion of sex turns both them into awkward youths all over again. It's distressing, and a relief.

Perhaps the hotly contested rumors of Katsuki visiting salacious saloons and teashops are something he should stop and think twice about now. If he was once that bright eyed smitten sixteen years old, he would say his husband isn't that kind of man to go against his marital vow, but he doesn't know him.

Izuku knows Bakugou Katsuki from worn out letters and stories hailed from loose lips; Izuku knows his many triumphant and failures, his characters and faults, and his tempers and fits, but he doesn’t know how Katsuki prefer his coffee in the morning, does he like to sleep on the left or right side of the bed, and if the way his heart beat as true as Izuku. Izuku may love him but he doesn't know him truly yet, and he's about to find out what kind of man is Bakugou Katsuki.

"Then I'll have the left side and you take the right," he says, heading toward the bed without any prompting.

"Wait," Katsuki calls out, voice oddly strained, "you're using the bed? My bed?!"

"That is what 'we'll sleep together' would normally imply," Izuku says dryly over his shoulder.

Katsuki scowls. "I'm not fucking sharing a bed with you."

Izuku places the oil lamp on the nightstand and settles on the edge of the large mattress. "You can sleep on the floor then," he says pointedly, looking down at the wooden floors lining the entire room.

"I'm not sleeping on the floor like a paltry servant," Katsuki hisses, marching toward him barely held anger licking at his heels. "This is my bed, my home, and you are my husband. I do not lower myself before you!" Dominance and anger oozes out of him in spades. It clogs up Izuku’s nose and a lesser person could easily crumble under that power, but this is Izuku.

He hums thoughtfully as he slides his legs up on to the bed. "Do you believe your father is beneath your mother then?" Izuku asks, tilting his head curiously. "Lady Mitsuki is the Head of the House but Lord Masaru doesn't defer to her because of her position."

Katsuki bristles, looming over Izuku’s seated figure. He appears larger than life. Something predatory and dangerous, and Izuku is his prey. "This isn't about my parents!” he shouts. “Don't bring them into this. The moment you stepped into this estate and fell back into your role as my husband, everything you do and say is under my authority. You do not get to play me like a fool."

Izuku smiles with far too many teeth showing. "You're right this isn't about your parents," he admits. His crosses his legs as he stares at Katsuki with steely resolution. "They at least respect each other, you don't. You're my lord and husband, but I obey you not because I have to but I choose to do so," he explains. "Careful to not mistake my obedience for complete docility."

Katsuki's magnificent red eyes flare up like embers in the dark. "I don't think you have a single docile bone your body,” he scoffs.

"Ah," Izuku muses, heart rattle like a caged animal. It's not that he's inherently fearless, it's because he's afraid that it'd made him bold. Wretchedly, so. He doesn't want to lose Katsuki again. To be left forgotten and discarded for five long, aching years; his worst nightmare keeping him up late at night. So he’d sharpened his tongue, walled off his heart, and played up his role as the calculating, willful gold digger. "Then you do not know me well, my lord."

Katsuki's eyes narrows. "And if I'm not interest in what you're selling?" he says, his hand reaching toward to a stray strand of Izuku's hair. He holds it in his palm between his fingers. It's a gentle but firm grip and there's not a single trace of tenderness in it.

It's about power and dominance. A show that Izuku's life is in his hand.

Izuku bats the controlling gesture away with a level look. "I'm sure you'll regret that folly later," he says coolly, despite the pang in his battered heart. He’d taken enough bruising for one night, turning his back to Katsuki and sliding under the quilt.

And that was that.

He had cut himself enough time on Katsuki's sharp edges to know when it's time to retreat; a tactical retreat. It's not cowardice on his part, because even he need times to lick his wounds after having been beaten for so long.

Izuku squeezes his eyes shut and pulls the quilt up close. He nearly want to throw it over his head as if that can protect him from Katsuki's cutting remarks and abrasiveness, but he won't even give that to Katsuki. He won't capitulate that far.

It's not a white flag. Yet.

With his eyes close, quiet reigns over them. His stone walled silence made the message clear: he's not moving from his spot so the choice is all on Katsuki. But what will win out in the end, Katsuki's unyielding pride or his sheer stubbornness? Will it be the bed or the floor for him?

It says a lot about his husband that it felt like a long time coming, the rundown of an entire candle, as a storm of curses is thrown in the air before a rustling of movements and then a weight casts on the other side of the bed. As far from Izuku's presence as possible.

But the fact that they're finally sharing a bed for the first time in their five years of marriage is enough. The distance between them here is far more manageable compares to when it was thousands of miles apart between Tokyo and Fukuoka.

Izuku lets out long exhale of relief that he didn't even know he was holding. Just being on the same bed with Katsuki is a step forward to the day when his presence here will be accepted unquestionably. Sometimes it's the smaller victories that will eventually win the entire war. You cannot win if you don’t fight and Izuku had been fighting this unwinnable war for a long, long time; he’s too stupidly stubborn to know when to quit yet.

#bakudeku #Fic snippet #regency a/b/o au

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la-bruja-de-la-literatura · 4 years

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Witchy PSA

Hey, witches, brujxs and pagans! I just wanted to quickly address something I’ve seen in the witchy community that worries an adult witch such as myself, and that’s having people tell you that they can communicate with your patron/matron deity, or any other spirit guides or non-corporeal being, when you yourself cannot.

Let me say right off the bat that 99% of the times, this person is trying to manipulate you. While I imagine there are people who are more attuned to deities and spirits better than others, no one should be using it as an excuse to tell you how to live your life or what to do unless you ask them for advice. And honestly? You can ask the spirits yourself, once you educate yourself and take the proper precautions.

Look, I get it. Many of us come into this community happy that magick is indeed real, and that what some believe is fantasy is a reality to (some of) us. And it’s wonderful to think that way, but it doesn’t mean you should believe every person who claims to read auras/tell the future/communicate with deities.

Let me tell you a story. In high school, I was friends with a girl who claimed to be a witch, but in reality had no idea what she was doing, and only got her information from a few articles online. She claimed to be able to talk to angels and that we each were reincarnated elemental spirits. Now, I wasn’t in a good headspace at the time, and long story short, I completely abandoned my common sense just to indulge in this fantasy.

Because of this, I let somebody tell me when to feel ashamed of myself whenever I did something she didn’t approve of, because “I made her spirit angry” or some nonsense like that. This cost me a lot of embarassment down the line, and a lot of inner turmoil because deep inside I know I was just playing pretend.

When I did stop believeing her, I harboured a huge resentement towards witchcraft and all things metaphsical that stayed with me for years until I realized that there were actual books on these subjects that were a lot more down-to-earth (as much as spirits and magick can be to a person, anyway). They taught me that magick isn’t flashy, Hollywood movie magic, and it certainly won’t let you fly or become metahuman or whatever else people tend to assume about it.

It wasn’t a pretty experince, but accepting it made me all the more aware of the fact that there will always be people trying to take advantage of you, no matter where you are. While I have found a lot of acceptance in the witchy and pagan community, I’ve also seen a lot of stuff like this.

How can you tell if soembody is manipulating you? Here are some red flags:

-They say that they are the ONLY person who can communicate with this entity/spirit, and anybody else is lying to you if they say they communicate with said entity.

-They tell you said entity is “angry” or “upset” oif you do something the person in question doesn’t agree with.

-They contsantly make you feel inferior for not having the same “talent” as you.

-They tell you not to seek professional help, i.e., medical attention when you get ill, or going to a therapist or psychatrist when you are mentailly ill.

-They promise “salvation” only if you follow their standards.

-They tell you to self-harm or harm other people or animals for “the entity”. While some religious practices do perform animal sacrifice, they are often closed practices, and it's usually an animal that is commonly eaten, like a rooster for example. The purpose of said rituals are not meant to torture said animal or cause it prolonged suffering, but to offer something to their deities/ancestors/gods.

-They tell you to be ashamed of your physical appearance, a disability you may have, or your sexual orientation. (FYI, pedofilia is NOT a sexual orientation. If you or somebody you know is attracted to minors you should seek professional help IMMEDIATELY, and call the police if somebody intends to harm a minor).

If you recognize these behaviours, distance yourself from this person and get professional help. Witchcraft shouldn’t be about servitude. This person is an abuser, and you deserve better.

#witch community #witchblr #witchy psa #spirits #spirit guides #abusive relationships #deities #brujeria #bruja #baby witch tips

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queerchoicesblog · 4 years

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A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

youtube

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

#pride month #pride month 2020 #random thoughts

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its-r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s · 5 years

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The Right Side of Wrong- Ch 1: W-I-C-K-E-D

Words: 2,435

Warnings: nightmares, mentions of gang activity, mentions of death and trauma, stress

A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FINALLY!! I’m not sure how many of you were dying for me to start posting again, but frankly, I was. I missed getting feedback from you guys! I’m so very glad to finally be back and able to post actual writing for you guys. As you know, I spent quite a bit of time trying to perfect this story so I really hope you guys enjoy it like you did the first one!

(If this is the first time you’ve seen one of my stories: Hi! Welcome! Feel free to check out my first rewrite, “Call Me A Freak”, for a better grasp on what is going on in this one!)

Call Me A Freak- Ch 1 | Preview | Ch 2

~ ~ ~

I blinked, attempting to register my surroundings. It was just too dark. I could make out the low fog settled around my feet as I stumbled forward. It almost glowed, a light blue-ish, green-ish color.

There were murmurs up ahead. People.

In my hazy determination to find them, I ran directly into something. The top half of my body fell forward, catching myself on the edges of the cauldron.

The steam that emanated from it blurred my vision as I pushed myself away from it. The water inside bubbled and boiled, the same sickly color as the fog around me. As I rubbed my eyes, I approached once more, getting a better look inside.

Bobbing across the top, were dozens of ripe, red apples.

“W-” I could hear someone whisper in the distance. “I-C-”

I turned on my heel, but the sound came from everywhere, surrounding me.

“K-”

I tried to run away from the cauldron, but the minute I was around one, I ran into another.

“E-D.”

I kept running, doing my best to dodge cauldrons and skip over the fallen apples that littered the floor. In a blink, I found myself running through the halls of Auradon Prep.

They were empty. Along the way, a few apples were discarded on the ground, all with single bites in them.

Across the lockers that lined the school, in large purple letters, were the words: LONG LIVE EVIL.

That was my work. It had to be. And my paint.

“Mother always knows best,” the quiet voice came back.

I dashed out of the hallway and down the stairs towards the front of the school.

It was too empty. Too quiet. And too messy.

“Show her. Pass every test.”

The entrance to the school was a mess. Apples and papers everywhere. The Beast statue was defaced with spray paint.

“Hear her voice in your head.”

And flying high over the school was a new flag. An old design which I had long since discarded. A silhouette of my mother, the words ‘Long Live Evil’ in green on a purple background.

“Evil is the only real way to win,” the voice beckoned me.

~ ~ ~

My hands were holding me up, pressed against the Beast statue at the front of Auradon Prep.

I noticed multiple familiar faces within the crowd of paparazzi. Hadn’t they learned their lesson? Hadn’t any of them?

I had been known to shriek, break down, and run off while on camera. A result of sensory overload most often, but it could also be triggered by… uncomfortable questions.

All of my friends had become experts in the art of avoiding paparazzi specifically for this reason. They knew I was still healing and god was it hard to heal when you were also the girlfriend of the king.

So, sometimes, when I needed to be by myself, I wandered alone and that’s almost always where they found me. Photographers and interviewers all desperately looking for a brief word right when I needed space.

They weren’t the best on timing.

“Only three days to the Royal Cotillion!” a young woman exclaimed, shoving a mic at my face. I wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted me to say in response to that, so I nodded, smiling tightly.

“Ever think that a girl like you would be a Lady of the Court?”

I blinked, temporarily blinded by a particularly close shot at my face.

“How do you feel being the most envied girl in Auradon?”

I scoffed, but was bombarded with more questions.

“Okay! All right!” I could hear Ben exclaim, pushing his way through the crowd towards me. I sighed in relief, glad to know that someone would be able to get me out of there. “Excuse me.”

He held a half eaten apple in his hand, which looked suspiciously similar to the ones in my dream. That had been a common occurrence recently: deja vu.

He wrapped an arm around me the minute he reached me. He had on one of his signature blue suits with a gold handkerchief. I quickly turned into his shoulder to regain my composure while the crowd turned on him.

“Did you ever think you’d be with a Villain Kid?”

Ben and I both whipped around to look at the woman who had asked. I bit down tightly on the inside of my cheek as Ben chuckled next to me. Multiple people had gone silent, waving mics in Ben’s face to pick up his answer.

“We’re done here,” he responded politely, grabbing me from the opposite shoulder and leading me away from the cameras.

In a whirl, with perfect timing, as always, Fairy Godmother took command of the cameras, preventing them from following the two of us as we left and asking them to make their exit.

“You feeling alright?” he automatically asked, running a hand over my back.

“Fine,” I said, quickly. “A little overwhelmed, but I’ll be alright.”

“You sure?”

I nodded. “It gets frustrating at times. Sometimes I wonder if they say some of those things just to get a reaction out of me. They want to watch me break and be the villain my mother was.”

“Don’t pay any attention to them.”

“Well, that’s a lot easier said than done, right?”

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “You know, maybe we should do something. We should go somewhere. Get away.”

While I appreciated the suggestion, I was so tired that when I thought of getting away, that included getting away from Ben. I wanted to just have some time to myself again. Some privacy again. I hadn’t seen a moment alone practically since I had gotten off the island.

“Yeah,” I replied halfheartedly, but he didn’t even seem to notice, distracted by his own watch.

“I have a council meeting. I’m so late!” His face pinched in stress. I knew he didn’t want to leave me here, especially after just promising some time to ourselves, but he had responsibilities.

“That’s okay,” I told him. I had gotten really good at pretending like things were totally fine, the Auradon way. On the Isle, if I was upset, I would hide it underneath my anger, but here I had to smile and act like a feather when bricks were weighing me down.

“We’ll do it sometime!” He promised, leaning down to kiss my cheek, but he hadn’t made contact before someone else was dragging me away.

“If we don’t do a fitting for your gown right this minute, you’ll be dancing in your bathrobe, okay?” Evie insisted.

Turns out everyone was stressed, because Evie was never so forward unless something needed to be done. In fact, she was rather efficient nowadays, but all that meant was piling on more work than she needed because she could power through it.

“Hi!” She smiled at Ben, sort of an apology for stealing me away, but if I knew Evie, she was well aware that Ben had stuff to do anyways. “Let’s go. Let’s go!” she sang to me, dragging me towards the dorms.

“Bye, Ben!” I called.

“Bye.”

I stumbled after her, trying to keep up in my heels. Evie was so well adapted to the formal, princess life (mostly because her mother had been teaching her she was royalty since she was a girl) that I looked like peasantry in her presence.

Once we had made it to the dorm rooms, she pulled down the pieces she had made of my dress and had me start fitting sections on.

It was yellow, with blue sequins and accents across the top and down the skirt. Evie had chosen it so that I would match Ben and fit the “Beauty and the Beast” aesthetic of all the events.

Evie began the process of pinning and marking the edges of the dress to be hemmed, where she would close up the back of the dress and tighten the waist. I stood still, my thoughts drifting, as they normally did when Evie forced me up onto her dress stand.

The dress was huge. I couldn’t imagine getting out the door, much less dancing for hours in it. Evie was fairly accommodating to my needs when it came to her designs, but there was also a certain standard that my outfits were expected to meet. I couldn’t just wear anything to a ball like this. Eyes would be on me at all times and I had to look traditional. I had to fit in. The people of Auradon were just jumping for an excuse to make me look bad.

Evie pulled me from my thoughts as she forced my shoulders back, so that the dress would fit me correctly.

I squealed a moment, in shock, but I was cut off when Evie pulled the corset together in back and pinned it there, squeezing my rib cage uncomfortably.

“Okay, Evie? I cannot breathe.”

She stepped around me, going back to her work table. “Well then, you can breathe after Cotillion.” I glared at her and she shrugged. “It won’t stay up unless it’s tight, M.”

“I sincerely doubt that I’ll ever be allowed to breathe again,” I grumbled. “I have at least twenty events directly behind it and I can’t remember what a single one of them is.”

Evie walked around me, pulling out the bottom of the dress to get a good look at it in full.

“Impeccable,” she smiled to herself.

I was glad Evie was getting some sort of satisfaction for her work. I mean, she was constantly designing and sewing dresses now and they always turned out amazing. Everyone was thrilled with her efforts and she was getting paid.

Not to mention, despite all the stress it caused her, especially right now, with the Cotillion so close, she was happy. She loved making dresses for others. It brought her peace and made her feel like she was doing some good for others. And she got to hang out with her new boyfriend, Doug, as she worked.

My eyes drifted away and I noticed my old leather jacket on the coat rack by the door.

I’m not sure why I kept it. I didn’t wear it anymore. Frankly, I couldn’t. My outfits nowadays were kind of expected to reach a level of sophistication. But the two green dragons, twisted into a heart, left a familiar sense of calm.

“Evie?”

“Hm?”

“Do you ever think about what we’d be doing if we were back on the Isle right now?”

I regretted the words the minute they left my mouth.

These dreams I’d been having were unsettling to me. I had read up on reoccuring dreams and how it’s believed they are predicting something. And that terrified me. Not just the empty school and the vandalism and apples, but the fact that my mother was somehow involved in all of it.

“Why do you ask?” she said, seriously.

It was upsetting. Sometimes I felt like everything was going too fast and no one was giving me space. And then the minute I admitted this, I was being babied. My mother had died almost a year ago and still, no one dared mention her name around me.

I just wish I had some time to truly find myself. Once we had abandoned the Isle, the four of us had basically lost any sense of identity we previously had. We were no longer the leader, the thief, the flirt, and the snake.

Evie and Jay had truly found their calling. Evie could practically make a living for herself at this point and Jay was looking into universities to continue playing Tourney at. And Carlos wasn’t completely set yet, but he was relaxed, still messing around with different types of tech and looking after Dude.

I was just trying to survive.

“I’m fine,” I replied, stepping down from the pedestal.

Evie didn’t say anything, turning back towards her work table. I figured she was done at this point and was about to ask her to help me get the dress off when I saw a book on my nightstand, titled The Lady’s Manners.

I gasped rushing over to grab it. I was supposed to run through all of this a week ago, but it had completely slipped my mind. Ben had given it to me to prepare for the Cotillion, seeing as it would be a massively covered event and his parents would be present.

Luckily, my spellbook was also on hand and I had the precise spell for this already marked. “Read it fast, at lightning speed. Remember everything I need,” I recited.

Quickly, I transferred the spell on to the book of manners and began flipping through the pages, running my eyes down the lines to grab any information I could.

“I know Mal’s secret to fitting in and Ben wouldn’t like it one bit,” Evie scolded beside me.

I sent a quick glare in her direction, then continued my skimming.

“Haven’t you guys had enough secrets between the two of you already?”

I rolled my eyes. “What’s the harm, E? These girls around school have had their whole lives to study and learn the ways of a ‘lady’. I’ve had a couple of months. You saw how I was before I started to use magic and it wasn’t good. I was a disaster. I was a shame to Ben and everything his family stands for.”

“You were recovering,” she insisted. “But now, you’ve been talking to therapists, you’re getting your head back on your shoulders, and personally, I strongly believe that this spellbook-” she reached into my lap and took it from me, “-belongs in the museum along with my mirror.”

“Well, it’s hard to act like a person when no one treats you like one,” I grumbled.

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged off the question, changing to subject. “You don’t ever miss running wild?”

“Stealing, and lying, and fighting?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Don’t you miss the freedom of it all?”

“No!” she exclaimed. “M, why would we? Look at us! We’re happy! We’re in Auradon! Where is all of this coming from?”

I shook my head. “Nowhere. Just… wondering.”

“If that’s true,” she answered, briefly squeezing my hand, “then can we please just leave the past in the past?”

I looked into Evie’s eyes as she said that and deeply felt sorry for saying anything. Evie was doing her best to comfort me and make sure that I was alright, but she had some deep scars from the Isle herself. She didn’t want to talk about it unless she had to.

So, I just nodded solemnly.

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thosewhoharvest · 5 years

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Self-Sufficiency in the Time of Pandemic

With the current path that we as a planet are on, the facts are becoming increasingly obvious: times are going to get tough, in many ways. Climate Change warning flags, such as rising temperatures, more numerous and intense natural disasters and struggling ecosystems; and problems particular to the human population, such as resource depletion and the current COVID-19 outbreak we are currently facing; make it pretty clear that from here on out, humankind needs to be resourceful in order to survive.

We are busy going through something unprecedented in human history – there have been pandemics and widespread outbreaks before, but never has the world seen such a huge human population, nevermind one which is so interlinked across the globe. When you think about it, getting anxious during these times is only a natural and somewhat necessary response. But once one’s head begins to clear and the reality of the global situation sets in, the important questions begin to emerge: How am I going to look after myself and those I care about?

The measures we should all be taking to “flatten the curve” and slow the spread of the virus in time for healthcare systems to cope – physical distancing, washing our hands, and isolation, are all symptomatic responses to the current crisis. Don’t get me wrong, they are extremely important to how the pandemic unfolds, but I believe we should also be looking further down the line into the future. The world as we know it is changing before our very eyes, at a pace which is frighteningly tangible, and this pandemic is showing us a few key points, which can now no longer be denied:

We live in a global society – whether we like it, or not. This means that we ultimately need to work together, and respect our place in the collective human species, taking the rights of others to heart.

We are painfully dependent on ageing systems which are designed with profit as the key component, not necessarily human or planet welfare. Capitalism has engulfed all spheres of our society, to the point where the very things we need in order to survive – food, water, shelter and medicine, are turned into mechanisms through which we, as “consumers” can be drained for financial gain.

Our international leadership is largely inadequate and, whether on purpose or due to bureaucratic red tape, slow to act and respond in our time of need. Many countries have seen their governments refuse to react to the pandemic sufficiently, meaning that it wasn’t contained when it should and could have been, and as a result things have gotten much worse.

There are good (as in, really really good) everyday people out there who are willing to put their lives at risk to help others. Cashiers, paramedics, janitors, farmers, teachers, doctors, nurses, and many other overlooked professions are in fact the real heroes in this situation – and not the CEOs, directors or owners of companies. Without those who keep our society running through the day-to-day necessities, things would begin to crumble real fast.

Pandemics can affect everyone, regardless of their demographic. whether directly or indirectly, when something like this happens, it affects you – regardless of who you are. Stock markets and currencies are beginning to crash, companies are closing down, borders have been shut, and lockdowns are taking place. Things like these have far-reaching effects, which can be felt everywhere.

That being said, the planet can feel them too – just a few weeks of decreased human activity can lead to huge environmental improvements such as less pollution, returning wildlife and cleaner waters. This is just a little “sneak peak” at what is possible if we change our ways and try to live more harmoniously with nature.

Once this particular chapter of history subsides, how do we protect ourselves – personally, and on communal and global levels from similar things in the future? Ultimately, they are unavoidable and bound to happen again, be it in a different way or form. Once we accept that there are elements we cannot control, we can begin to look at what can be done to minimise our own suffering, and that of those in the same boat as us, at the hands of such disasters.

Look After Yourself: Strengthen That Immune System

This virus might subside, but chances are that it will be back, or another will take its place soon enough. So you need to fortify your body’s natural defences in order to give them the best chance of fending off such things. This boils down to one thing: keep healthy. Organic fruit and vegetables bring none of the poisons or chemicals that conventional produce carry with them, and often contain more vitamins and antioxidants. In particular, things like garlic, chillies, ginger, broccoli and citrus fruit are great turbo-chargers of the immune system. The fresher your food, the more nutrients it contains, and the better it is for you – so avoid canned or prepackaged produce where possible.

Local is Lekker

In South Africa, we have a saying that “Local is Lekker” – it essentially means that what comes from nearby is great; and it couldn’t be more on point or relevant than right now. By choosing things from local suppliers, businesses, farms, and organisations, you are not only decreasing reliance on the transportation system, but also “voting” with your coin against multinational corporations. Of course, the more local you can get, the better – ultimately, you should aim to be growing as much of your own food as possible. For some, this may mean growing a basil plant on their balcony, for others, perhaps a bed of tomatoes and garlic in their garden. Do what you can, with what you have. We recently began offering food garden design, consultation and establishing services, so if you are interested, please do contact us. Otherwise, support your local farmer and get to know where your food is coming from – it is a great step in not only learning how it’s grown, but also in becoming aware of what you are eating and how it reaches you. We deliver weekly boxes of our fresh organic produce to people nearby every week. Read more about or boxes, or order here.

Water is Life

Without water, we’re in trouble – just ask any Capetonian about the struggle. Having narrowly missed day zero, we can all attest to the importance of this liquid in our lives. Ensuring that you have a good supply or reserve of clean, drinkable water is of utmost importance. Setting up rainwater and dew harvesting can be done extremely easily and fairly cheaply – whether using small tanks to catch rainwater from gutters, catching your bathing water to water your garden.

Take Shelter

If you are among the lucky who have a good roof over their heads, take a moment to appreciate it, and consider how you can improve your dwelling. If there were to be a nearby disaster such as a flood or fire, how would it hold up, or perhaps instead, what is the contingency plan? If you are looking to set up a home somewhere, how can you construct it in such a way that it requires as little new resources as possible, and makes use of what is around? Small changes, such as using natural building materials, simple designs or even just taking note of the prevailing wind can have rather big impacts on a home, and are often overlooked.

Avoid Blackout

Technology plays a huge role in our lives – beyond communication and business, we rely on it to keep our food cold, light up our homes, drive our vehicles and make our stuff. All it takes is a little “Stage 2 Load-shedding” from your friendly neighbourhood power supplier to remind you how dependent we are on it. Although going entirely off-grid is becoming cheaper at a rapid rate, it is still largely out of the financial question for most people. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take certain smaller measures in order to reduce your reliance on the grid. Depending on your financial position, you can take various steps – install a solar geyser to get electricity-free hot water on tap, buy or make simple solar lamps to light up your house (it’s really easy – look it up), sell your fridge and replace it with a gas alternative, or even just put together a little solar oven (we made one out of an old window and some planks – it cooks brownies like a charm!).

Wash Your Hands

Keeping things clean is a must. But don’t let that fool you into thinking that stockpiling toilet paper and hand sanitiser is necessary. Firstly, that just creates a shortage (do you see the self-fulfilling prophecy here?) and secondly, if worst came to worst and all the toilet paper in the world were to run out, you could use water like the entire continent of Asia is still largely doing after centuries). What is important is finding a way to maintain good hygiene and prevent illnesses from coming into your home and body. The good news is that soap, hand sanitiser, shampoo, and even general house cleaners are really easy to make with very simple, cheap and biodegradable ingredients. Good friends of ours, Guerrilla House, hold frequent soap-making workshops in Cape Town, and there is a plethora of online resources which can teach you how it’s done.

All these steps, however small they may be, add up and create a ripple effect, which although may seem immeasurable, can grow into a huge wave, given the right tide. So my advice is this: prepare yourself. Don’t freak out about the toilet paper, and don’t panic in general. But take time to think about how you can reduce not only your financial and environmental footprints, but also your reliance and dependence on the systems that surround you. And when you do need to depend on them, do it consciously and with full understanding and awareness of the implications it has. Be selective about how you “vote” with your spending – support those near to you, both geographically and socially speaking, and in so doing help build the network of interdependence we all need in order to survive. Because if the governments of the world aren’t going to look after all of us, then we will do it ourselves.

– Nevau, one of those who harvest

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schroedingersk8 · 5 years

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11.The_Revelations

“Excuse me, WHAT?” -- I hear you say after finishing my previous entry. -- “Wait a minute, how come you being a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX did not cause an issue?”

Well, there is a very simple explanation to it. See, it is no longer the 1950es outside. And believe me, I was as shocked about this revelation as you are right now! People have evolved and became a bit more open-minded since. And I do not live in a small village in the US Bible Belt, which is still holding on to the ways of the 1950es with all its might, nor do I know all that many narrow-minded people.

On top of that, I deal with men. And I am a woman, and I am very hot. Men -- men are a really special bunch. Simpler than a doorknob when it comes to choosing a woman, more complicated than a Swiss watch when it comes to choosing a breakfast cereal. I exaggerate for effect, of course...but you get my drift!

When men meet me, online or in real life, they see an intelligent, funny, beautiful sophisticated Lady. Capital L. Seeing that Lady pictured in a shiny latex catsuit has never had a negative effect. A lot of times, when I tell them of my chosen profession, they do not believe me! I have to prove it!!! Usually by showing my Instagram, or my website, K8Morgan.com, both containing yet more delightful images of leather and latex, and shiny things, ooooohhh.....red latex bikini........strict secretary...........stockings....................

By which time the man in question has completely forgotten of the time-space continuum and is fancying himself a broody Batman and breaking into a goofy smile while imagining me in shoes that are best described as stilts. And that is regardless of whether or not the man in question is even kinky!!! That is just from the visual over-stimulation.

And then, most have heard of professional Dominatrices these days, and the associated rules of strict sexual non-engagement, so usually, after a quick question of whether or not I have any intentions to make them suffer extreme pain at all times (some even put themselves forward for ‘occasional’ suffering!) the “dating a professional sex worker” question is done and dusted, with the biggest implication being “we shall call you a media entrepreneur to my parents.”

It does happen, though, men do walk away from me because of my work, but since I am very up-front about it, when it happens it is usually before we even meet in person, or day 0 if we met by accident somewhere. But truth be told, I turn far more of them down because of their age, political views, shoelace colour, lack of feline appreciation, bad mood, bad weather, weather being too good and whatever else might cross my mind...So it is only fair.

What have been the biggest “dating pool decimators” is not my work. It is actually, me, myself and I. And my choices:

The biggest, by far and large, has been my un-desire to have children. It has been the reason behind my two divorces (the second ex decided a few years down the line that he does, in fact, want us to have children), and the reason why I got myself surgically “neutered” some seven years ago. It is also something that a lot of men do not think of when looking at me in a latex catsuit. But it is something they do think about a few months down the line. This has driven away ten times more guys than my job did. And it is an absolute deal-breaker for me, and for them! However, I hear that the opposite is also true. That more men would rather date a single sex worker without bad habits than a single mother with a young kid. It may be sad, but it is what it is.

My second biggest decimator is, ironically, the mere fact that I have two delightful little ex-husbands. A guy sees that you have divorced once, and a red flag goes up, but, you know, things happen, no one is perfect. A guy sees you have been divorced more than once -- and it is like a Labour Day Parade in the People’s Republic of China! The reasons why it happened, the thing that at least two guys have been most willing to marry me, or what my relationships with them were and are, are considered irrelevant. And sometimes that negative judgement is being passed by married men who were trying to cheat on their wives with me, and lying to us all... I wouldn’t trade in my “chosen family of ex-husbands” for the world. They are fantastic guys, the ones who, in the time of need, keep my standards up and my head above water. They are the ones who make me step back, look, and see that “I have divorced better people than that!” (The first one is proofreading this blog for me, btw! So if you see that text has changed slightly from one day to another, you now know why, haha! And, Snumbs, thank you!)

The third biggest problem I face is my location, which is Spain, and my current unwillingness to move elsewhere or date local talent. It makes most potential relationships long-distance by default. A setting that I am very happy with, as it allows the necessary freedom, but not everybody thinks like that. And yes, it does make dating costly and complicated. But Spain is nice, has incredibly high quality of life, and I am not planning to leave any time soon, especially in the light of Brexit!

So, as you can see, the main dating problems I face, as a Professional Dominatrix, are the very same I’d face as a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, or a nurse... As someone kinky, someone vanilla, someone dominant, someone submissive, someone gay or someone straight would have. Because when we date, and when we decide to form relationships, of any kind, if we are honest with ourselves and the people around -- we date WHO they are, and not WHAT they are. Every profession has its difficulties: doctors being on call, firemen or policemen being on duty or in danger, military personnel being deployed or moved to another base, banker boys being so stressed they cannot sleep at night, news presenters and bakers having to be at work at 4 am, teachers having to correct homework until late night daily, etc etc etc. Mine is no exception. And yes, it is a deal breaker for some. But not for the many...

Our chosen professions do influence us, and our dating preferences, but often not in the way we imagine, or realise. But I shall write about it in my next post...

No one, under the penalty of the EU copyright laws, is allowed to use or reproduce my blog or individual posts, or even passages, in any way, shape or form, be it for Netflix series, Amazon books, or anything of the kind, regardless of the credit given. K8Morgan.com.

#dating #dating advice

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nottoooldfordisney · 5 years

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Honeybee

Well fuck. This is going to be a difficult one to write. To be honest I’m not really sure how to structure this because there’s just so much that’s happened since the last time I wrote about you. To cut a long, convoluted story short: you left me. Emotionally, I think, before physically. I’m not sure I can pinpoint the moment you fell out of love with me but I think even on our anniversary you weren’t fully there. It’s so very funny looking back on things with the knowledge and insight I have now. So many things should have been the oh-so-cliché red flags. But I overlooked every single one. In order to make it a little clearer to myself how awful you were and to indicated how bloody stupid I was to continue wanting you until the point at which I stopped, I think I’m going to make a list.

Of all the things that should have made me run.

I doubt I will get everything down, but off the top of my head:

- You barely had any friends (dodgy to say the least, you said you had no need of them)

- You were quite bigoted and frankly, a bit of a racist.

- You couldn’t understand that it was your fault if other people were upset by something you said

- You wouldn’t go down on me (I know this is quite superficial but it’s something that made me feel like I was gross)

- You were clearly still hung up on Ishtar when we were first together, I think you tried to move on too soon

- You made me feel like I had to prove I loved you (’I can’t feel fully secure with you until we have a kid, because at any point before that you could just easily leave me’)

- You made me feel insecure about my weight and the fact that I gained some while I was with you

- You made me sound like the bad guy for offering that you could move into my parents house because you weren’t willing to carry on doing long distance (’she’s taking me away from you Mum, all the way to Kent’)

- You made me feel like a slut for having slept with people before you (’I bet you made those noises with someone else’, ‘I can’t stand that other guys have fucked you like I’ve fucked you’)

- Whenever I said I was insecure, you did nothing to try and minimise how awful I was feeling; going so far as to say ‘you’re not stupid, you know you can do it. me saying it isn’t going to change anything’

-You made me feel guilty for hurting myself, and said that it had made you feel like shit, rather than supporting me through it (’if you haven’t stopped even though you’re with me, nothing’s going to make you stop. I’m useless’)

- You were rude about my friends

- You threatened to kill yourself repeatedly with seemingly no real incentive to do so

Now for the big guns:

- You got tinder while we were together. Then managed to convince me that it had only proved how much you want to be with me.

- While on a break, telling me often how much you loved me and wanted to spend your life with me, you did the following things:

+ went on at least one date with a girl from (surprise surprise) tinder, and got off with her

+ had a one night stand without electing to use a condom

+ slept with your flatmate and best friend (same person)

I think now is an appropriate moment to go into a bit more detail on that one.

You poisoned us against each other. You couldn’t let us be independent from you. I told you so many times I was insecure about how either of you felt about each other and you made me feel stupid and paranoid. Then mere days after tell me you needed some time alone so that you could be ‘the man I deserved’, you told her you and I were over for good and that you didn’t love me. You convinced her to sleep with you. Then you wrote her that letter. That fucking letter. You told her that you were in love with her. That you didn’t regret it. That kissing her was ‘electric’. That word will haunt me because of you. And STILL I took you back. Believed you over the girl who was trying to protect me. Who was equally manipulated by you. And don’t even get me started on the way you treated my parents and their home. They took you in. Fed you. Washed your clothes. Picked you up from work. Bent over backwards for you. For little more than breadcrumbs in return. Because they wanted me to be happy. That is something you will never understand; the mutual love and respect that my family and I have for each other. And as repayment? You patronised my mother, bitched about my father, and tried to turn me against them - ‘you’re never going to move out, they won’t let you. Because then they wouldn’t be able to control you anymore’. How fucking dare you. You are a child. You have no manners, no respect, no dignity, no ambition. And I cannot even begin to express how embarrassed I am that I thought you were the love of my life. Our relationship was a disaster, based on lies. Just look at the above list of shit you did and there’s no doubt.

You’re a serial abuser. A manipulator. A selfish cunt with no remorse or compassion.

I’m so glad we’re over. But the emotional scars will linger. You well and truly left your mark. I hope you’re miserable, because that’s all you deserve to be.

#nottoooldfordisney #hollys doing the thing #hollys thoughts #personal

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tywriteskpop · 6 years

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Awakening (SB Sequel Mark Tuan)-Chapter 5

“You can do better than that, little brother!”

You watched anxiously from a garden bench where you sat as your brothers faced off in a mock battle of magic. The blazing reds of BamBam’s uncontrollable magic circled the still air, burning any particles of oxygen in its wake. Youngjae sat on standby, ready to put out any fire that catches on the fragile foliage of the garden.

Jackson, being the eldest of the three brothers, was confidently taunting BamBam in hopes of getting him worked up. His efforts proved successful, for the youngest of the brothers cried out angrily and flung a ball of fire at the older. It didn’t take much for Jackson to dodge the impending attack, and he did so with stride, gracefully moving away from the line of fire. Jackson returned the attack, sending a small bolt of light towards his little brother. BamBam was too slow to react, getting hit by the bolt in his chest, sending him to the ground on his back.

The lace ruffles of your dress became crinkled between your hands as you twisted the soft fabric continuously. Youngjae noticed your agitated state and whistled to his brothers.

“I say we end things here, brothers,” he said. “Our sister is becoming anxious.”

A faint blush tinted your cheeks in embarrassment as the focus of everyone’s attention came to you. Your eyes downcast, you pretended to not hear their coos and teasing. You realized how foolish you were in worrying for them with the way they acted. “You paint me for a fool.”

“Of course not, dear Y/N,” Jackson said, waltzing up to stand beside you. “You have no need to worry for us. He may be clumsy yet, but dear Bammy will eventually learn to best me.”

BamBam scoffed and joined his siblings, sitting next to you. “Don’t be full of yourself just because you are older than I am. It makes you look pigheaded. Not very fair for the eldest prince of our land.”

Youngjae laughed as Jackson reached over you to swipe at BamBam. You, on the other hand, were still upset, not finding any sort of amusement in your brothers’ antics.

Jackson noticed this and gave you a thoughtful look. “What troubles you, sister?”

You sighed heavily, glancing at each of your brothers. “I just worry. I don’t know what it’s like to possess magic like you three. You’re all reckless. I’m afraid of you all getting hurt.”

Jackson sighed and moved to stand in front of you. He knelt down so he was eye level with you, placing his hands on your shoulders. You met his eyes and immediately felt comforted by his sincere look. “Don’t worry about us, Y/N. We have this magic so we can protect you and our people. We’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

The atmosphere was thick with tension. Electricity ran through the wind as the dark clouds above joined together. A storm was brewing, created solely by the magic that permeated the air. You shuddered at the immense power, feeling it crash over you in waves. But you knew you couldn’t back down now. You had too much to lose to turn away scared.

“We’re in his domain now,” Jinyoung said, his gaze traveling over the open land. “We must take precaution.”

“More than before?” BamBam fidgeted, his nervousness about what’s to happen showing clearly to you and the others. He tried his best to seem unbothered, but you knew he was worried.

You were all worried. You wanted nothing more than to save your friends, your family. You understood the basics of war. People die. But despite your anxiety, you were determined to bring your loved ones back to your side. Jinyoung taught you enough to be able to defend yourself. You learned on your own over the past year what you could handle and what was too much. But now it wasn’t practice or training. This was real.

As your small group continues further into the dark territory, a thought came to you. Turning your attention to Jinyoung, you voiced the question that plagued your thoughts. “The way you all use your magic to travel,” you said. “Will I be able to do that?”

“Hmm?” Jinyoung looked at you curiously. “You mean to apparate?”

“It’ll come to you with practice,” Youngjae told you. “In the meantime, just hang onto one of us. We’ll have to teach you later.”

The hidden promise in your brother’s words gave you and the others a small glimmer of hope. There would be a later, a time to properly teach you everything you’ve been missing. His words were a silent promise that you would all survive this fight, and you welcomed his encouraging strength as your own.

“Why did we apparate so far from our destination?” you asked.

“We don’t know if that army has been released yet,” BamBam answered. “If we got too close, we might be caught in the middle at a disadvantage. At this distance, we can gauge the enemy at first sight and have the advantage of controlling their spread.”

“I see.”

“That’s where you and I come in,” Jinyoung said. “Using our pure magic, we can create a barrier to contain the shadows so they can’t escape. It’ll prevent them from closing in on civilization.”

“That’s going to be a massive barrier,” Youngjae warned. “Last time I tried to hold off the shadows, they broke it and captured Jaebum.”

“Something tells me they won’t break through ours,” you said. “Or rather, I won’t let them.”

Your brothers seemed surprised by your sudden tone of voice. There was so much determination in your eyes, they realized how much you changed after spending several life times in slumber. You were no longer their carefree, innocent sister. You were now a fierce woman who has lived through too many tragedies. You would make sure you didn’t live through another one.

“There.” Jinyoung stopped at the top of an overpass, gazing out into the far distance. “That’s where they are.”

You and your brothers all stand beside him, none of you having seen his home before now. At the dreadful sight a broken wasteland and dilapidating buildings, you had wished you would have seen it before in its prime glory. The former kingdom was dead, drowning in shadows and despair. This was Jinyoung’s childhood home, and Mark’s, and you felt your heart tear. You thought of your own former home, when you had seen it first hand after finally waking from your eternal sleep, and the feelings you had then felt the same as it did now.

“Are you alright?” you asked.

Jinyoung’s eyes travelled over the barren land with remorse. “I did this. I had power over this land, and I let myself fall into Park’s hands. I let it be destroyed.” The boy exhaled and nodded to himself. “It’s time I take this land back.”

“Brace yourselves,” BamBam said. He pointed towards the collapsing castle far in the center of the fallen kingdom. “Time to get to work.”

Even from far away, you could clearly see the gates of the castle open slowly. Not a moment later, a black mass burst from inside the old building, spreading rapidly across the land. The army of shadows was on the move, and they were quickly heading your way.

He vaguely comprehended that he was just formerly announced, the sound of his name breaking him out of his haze of conflicting thoughts. He swallowed thickly and let out a heavy breath. With his hands clasped tightly behind his back, he straightened his posture and put on a neutral expression. He needed to be calm, act like the prince his mother raised him to be.

The large double doors before him opened at the hands of the guards inside the room. With the Head of the Guard beside him, the prince was escorted into the great hall, flags of his mother’s insignia brandishing their way down the line with him. With his eyes straight forward, he was immediately greeted by the sight of the king and queen sitting beside each other on their thrones. The nobility they held just by sitting there made Mark nervous. Even though he himself was of royalty, he had never faced that of another royal family.

The queen smiled graciously at him while the king studied him with a keen eye. Standing on the king’s right hand side, in order from eldest to youngest, were his three sons. On the queen’s left hand side, you stood shyly with your head bowed. Mark felt strangely comforted by the fact that you were as anxious as he was. It wasn’t everyday you met your betrothed for the first time.

“Mark.” The queen stood and made her way down the flat staircase from her throne. When she was within arm’s reach, she took the boy by his shoulders and pulled him into a welcoming embrace. “You were still an infant when I had last seen you.” She released him and moved her studious gaze over him from head to toe. “You have grown into a fine young man.”

Mark bowed slightly. “My thanks, your majesty. I am afraid I cannot recall our first meeting.”

The queen waved him off. “Nonsense, child. You were still a small babe. I don’t expect you to remember much from that age. Nonetheless, it is a pleasure to have you here with us. Come.”

She took his hand and led him closer to the throne. The king stood at their approach, his sharp gaze still observing Mark’s form. Climbing a few steps until he was close enough to respect the king’s space, Mark bowed formerly to greet him.

“So you are the eldest prince of our neighboring country,” the king mused. “I must say, when my queen brought to me the discussion she held with your mother, I was uneasy about wedding off my only daughter to a stranger.”

At your father’s words, you looked up. Your eyes met the prince’s, and for a moment you wanted to look away. But the pained look of sorrow hidden behind his curious gaze held you to him. You couldn’t help but wonder about the experiences he must have gone through up until this point.

Your mother turned to you and gestured for you to come forward. You did so, taking small, even steps as you tried to keep your composure. You mentally panicked when you caught yourself stepping on the hem of your dress, trying your best to pretend nothing happened. But you caught the slight smirk on the prince’s face and felt embarrassed. He saw it.

Mark felt a wave of relief pass over him when he caught you stumbling. Though you held all the regality of your parents, there was a childlike innocence to you that made you seem clumsy. Knowing this, Mark felt more comfortable and less inclined to be in perfect posture around you.

“These are my sons,” the king continued, gesturing to the three princes standing on the side. “Jackson is the eldest son. He is closest to your age. I’m sure you’ll get along well.” As you came to stand in between your parents, your father placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, pulling you forward. “This is my daughter, Y/N. I trust you will take care of her, for your own sake.”

“Of course.” Mark bowed his head to you, taking your outstretched hand into his own. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, princess. I swear on my family’s lineage that I will do my utmost to protect you.”

“Just visualize it in your mind’s eye, and use your emotions to give it strength.” Jinyoung led you step by step in the process of creating the massive barrier you needed to keep the enemy at bay. “The more power it has, the less chances of them breaking it. It’ll keep them contained and prevent them from advancing towards the city.”

With all of your concentration on stabilizing your magic, your hands neatly folded in front of you, a faint glow streamed out from between them. Your actions mirrored Jinyoung’s and you both opened your hands, a layer of magic following your movements. The shield grew between your outstretched hands, and it continued to grow further until it met Jinyoung’s. Together you both made a large barrier, one that stretched far above your heads. As the army of shadows got closer, the pure magic shield continued to grow, stretching over the army in a dome-like shape.

“Hurry up, guys,” BamBam said hastily.

“Stretch it over the castle,” Youngjae ordered. “It’s a never ending stream of them. You need to cover the source.”

You felt overwhelmed by the mass of black mist that spewed out of the castle’s mouth nonstop. But you persevered, wanting to trap the hellish creatures that would surely run the world dry. Park needed to be stopped.

Just as the army was upon your small group, the barrier was complete. The dome covered the land entirely, from the edge of the territory to beyond the castle grounds. The shadows couldn’t escape now.

“Now what?” you asked breathlessly.

Jinyoung nodded. “Reduce their numbers as much as we can. Find Park. And end it.”

“And the others?” Youngjae asked.

“...They’ll find us.”

“Are you sure we’re allowed to do this?” Mark asked, watching you climb onto the saddle of your horse.

You sat comfortably and looked down at him from your perch, a mischievous grin gracing your lips. “Are you scared, Prince Mark?”

He scoffed, shaking his head once. “Nonsense. I just don’t find it safe for a princess to travel unattended.”

“Perhaps you should accompany me, then.” You motioned to the stable keeper who held the reins of a larger steed.

“You knew which horse was mine?” Mark asked, both confusion and amusement lacing his tone. “Watching me, are you?”

You blushes faintly. “I visit the stables many a time. It’s not hard for me to pick out an estranged beast. Especially one so grand. I hear the horses are born larger in your kingdom.”

A pained smile formed on his face as he thought of his former home. It had been several weeks since he had left his brother to travel to your land. And while he was starting to get used to being around you and your brothers, treating each other as family, he yearned to once again be with his own flesh and blood.

You noticed the forlorn look adorning Mark’s features, and you quickly realized you needed to get his mind off of whatever he was thinking about. “Come, fair prince! I challenge you to a race!”

Shocked, Mark snapped out of his reverie. “A race? Is that proper for a regal lady, princess?”

“Clearly you have not met my mother.” Your voice was so light hearted and full of childish mischief, Mark found himself elated as he mounted his horse. The prince was no fool. He was well aware of his solemn behavior among his new family. The way you tried to keep his spirits up was endearing to him.

Together you steered your horses away from the stables. At the edge of the courtyard, you turned to him and smirked. You winked and urged your mare to run swiftly, leaving the prince behind. He shouted for you, and you faintly heard the heavy hooves of his steed hurrying after you. Disregarding his calls of your name, you carried on, laughing gleefully at the rush of wind pushing your hair back.

Everywhere you looked was a chaotic storm of black mist. Of course you didn’t have much chance to focus on something for too long. The army crashed over your group, ultimately separating you from the others as the shadows attacked. You held your own against them, using your experience, what you’ve seen, what you’ve learned. A blade of pure magic was gripped tightly in your hand, swinging through the dark misty figures as they surrounded you. You barely make out Jinyoung and your brothers in the midst of their own battles.

As the chaos seemed to last forever, you began to grow weary. You could hear the agony in your brothers’ voices as they sustained injury after injury, unable to completely destroy the shadows that befell them. Jinyoung’s strength was depleting, not yet fully recovered from his time in the darkness. You wanted so badly to do something to end this fight. The need to cry out of frustration burned the back of your eyes. You were becoming desperate.

Without any immediate thought, you instinctively swung your open palm around you. The shadows approaching you from behind let out a horrific screech as they dissipated. You surprised yourself, not realizing what you did. Your magic circled you in waves, ribbons of pure light protecting you like a shield. The dark creatures coward away from it, moving around you in a frenzy to find an opening for attack.

You recalled this power coming forth once before, when you were suddenly attacked by a shadow the night your kingdom fell. This was raw magic, power released by your emotions. This is what Jinyoung was trying to convey to you before. Your desperation and anger saved you, and you immediately decided to use it to your advantage. Releasing all of your inhibitions, you mentally pushed the ribbons of pure magic.

In a burst, the waves you created passed over the shadows surrounding you. Animalistic cries and screeches trembled in the air as the black masses evaporated. The waves grew larger, pulsating from your body and swallowing the entirety of the shadow army. Their numbers lessened, more and more disappearing with every wave of purity.

The boys were stumped with confusion when the shadows around them started fading away. With their guard still raised, they all turned to your figure. Jinyoung registered what was happening, and he was in awe at the raw power you exuded with such little training and practice. You were singlehandedly destroying Park’s army, and he wondered if it was luck or by some other good grace.

As the path before him cleared, the last of the shadows vanishing with their hellish cries, Jinyoung made his way to you. Your brothers came to your side immediately. Youngjae caught you as your legs gave out beneath you, your breath heavy and rapid as the exhaustion overcame you. Sweat coated your forehead, and he took the chance to use his own power to remedy your exhaustion.

Youngjae placed his glowing hand over your forehead. “You okay?” your brother asked, sending you a proud smile.

You nodded. “Give me a moment to recover.”

BamBam leaned over, his hands resting on his knees, and gave you a victorious smirk. “You nailed it, sister! I don’t know how, but you managed to kill all those bastards.”

You looked around with your eyes, only finding the barren land around you, not a trace of black mist to be found. You laughed in relief. “I’ve never felt exhilaration such as this.”

As you celebrated your victory with your brothers, Jinyoung looked around suspiciously. The shadows had stopped pouring out of the castle, but the intensity of Park’s power was still heavy in the atmosphere. The fury permeating the air was no doubt the enemy, and Jinyoung couldn’t help but worry that your life was in danger more than before. Park would surely target you, seeing you as the bigger threat after your display of power just now.

He knew Park was hiding within the dilapidated castle walls. Yet there were still variables unaccounted for. He swung his arm around, countering the sharpened feathers that shot at them with a barrier. It was as he suspected.

You and your brothers reacted to the scuffle almost immediately. They helped you to your feet, your strength starting to return. The four of you were faced with your worst fears. Your eyes burned at the sight of Jackson’s pitch black eyes which held no recognition of his siblings whatsoever.

Then your gaze pandered to another pair of burning coals, a tear finally falling at the sight of your fallen prince. You could see the faint scars of injury littering his skin, your heart breaking at the thought of the torture he experienced.

Mark stared blankly at you, the only emotion you could read from him being fury. He stood ahead of the ravens, acting as their leader. They were all under Park’s control, and you weren’t sure if you could face them.

“This can’t be possible,” you whispered.

You sat on a rock face hanging over the creek. Mark knelt at the bed of the creek, his boots pressing into the damp soil as he let his fingers drift in the steady stream. Your horses rested a short distance away, drinking from water and indulging themselves on the fruits that grew wild.

“Are you always this reckless?” Mark asked you after a short silence. He looked up at you expectantly, not missing the way you shrugged.

A gleeful smile graced your lips, the natural sunlight making your eyes shine brightly. The prince felt himself swooning and quickly collected his thoughts to regain his composure. But despite his many attempts to not fawn over you completely, he felt his resolve weakening with each passing day. Mark often wondered since his mother’s passing if this marriage she agreed upon was of her own benefit. But he was starting to realize that she was doing right by him, and he felt his heart ache slightly that he couldn’t show his gratitude.

“She is as wild as the mare she sits upon.” Jackson stepped into the clearing to greet them, guiding his own steed by the reins. “Surrounded by three brothers can cause a damper in a lady’s coming up.”

You pouted. “Do you take pleasure in insulting me in front of my husband to be?”

Jackson shook his head. “Of course not. I’m just forewarning the groom. He should know what troubles await in his future.”

When your brother laughed, you knew he was merely joking. You humored him, playing along with his teasing. “I think he should be more concerned by the undeniable fact that his soon to be brothers are unmannered beasts.”

Jackson held his heart and feigned pain. “You wound me, sister.”

Mark found amusement in your banter, feeling nostalgic as he remembered having similar fights with Jinyoung.

Jackson sent a genuine smile at you before telling Mark, “Y/N is a reckless wildling indeed. But she is a treasure. You’ll have no regret in taking her hand.”

It happened so fast, you didn’t know how to react. One moment Jackson was standing behind Mark. The next, he disappeared. It wasn’t until a second later that you realized where he was, a forceful pull at your hair sending you flying off your feet. Your surprised and pained shriek alerted the boys to your predicament. They turned just in time to see you land haphazardly on the ground, too far away for them to immediately assist you. Jackson stood between you and the others, facing you.

“Y/N!” Youngjae tried to go to you, but he was immediately stopped by a strong grip on the back of his neck. He was thrown in the opposite direction. When he looked up, he met the empty stare of Jaebum. “This again.”

Jinyoung’s gaze pandered over to his brother and Yugyeom. “They’re separating us,” he realized.

“You’ll have to take care of Mark,” BamBam said. “Try to knock him out of it.”

“And you’ll handle Yugyeom?” Jinyoung assumed.

BamBam stretched his arms out, bracing himself. “Y/N can’t take Jackson alone. I’ll have to knock the bird down on his ass quickly and partake in my own sibling brawl.”

You let out a choked gasp as you pushed yourself to your feet. You forced yourself not to linger on the idea that Jackson hurt you, your heart breaking over it. It wasn’t his fault, you told yourself. He was being controlled. You were determined to set him free from the shadowy mastermind.

“You can’t help them.”

Park’s voice rang in your head, startling you. You shut your eyes tightly to try and push him out.

“You’ll have to kill them to save them.”

His menacing tone rang through your ears. It sounded like static. The outside world was completely silent. You felt numb.

“Kill her.”

In a flash, Jackson lunged at you. You relied on instinct and moved away, rolling on the ground. When you looked up, your blood turned cold at the site of a small crater where you once stood. If you let him, your brother would surely end your life.

“Jackson!” You shouted his name desperately, dreading the thought of fighting your brother. “Please recognize me!”

A black fog spiraled around him, the power of shadows emanating from his body. He ignored your pleas and advanced towards you. It scared you seeing how calm he was in his hypnotic state. With a dry sob, you built up your own power. You had no choice.

It was a flurry of swift punches and powerful kicks. You were clumsy, not used to fighting, barely evading his attacks and hardly able to throw your own. While you grew weaker from the exertion and blows you sustained, Jackson seemed unbothered. You mentally berated yourself for not taking up training while growing up with your brothers.

Eventually, you tripped over yourself while trying to avoid another hit from Jackson. You landed on your back, your senses dulling from the impact. Before you could pull yourself together, Jackson was on you. He sat on top of you, his legs trapping you and pinning you to the ground.

Your airways were cut off as he wrapped his hands around your throat. Your eyes widened at the realization of what was happening. Jackson pressed against your windpipe. Despite your struggling, clawing at his hands in vain, his strength overpowered yours. You choked out his name in a last attempt to bring him to his senses.

As your vision began to blur, you could vaguely make out the flashes above your heads. Against the blackened sky, there was an array of red and blue; BamBam and Youngjae. They were nearby, but too far away to notice your predicament. A crack of lightning alerted you to Jinyoung’s position behind you. A flurry of feathers and dark masses flew over you. The others were still fighting.

‘I have to try,’ you thought. A tear fell down the side of your face. You raised your right hand, pressing against Jackson’s heart. With a final push, you poured your magic into the palm of your hand and sent Jackson flying.

The heavy intake of oxygen made your throat dry. You turned onto your side and heaved, feeling your lungs work overtime in recovering lost air. You felt sick and swallowed down any bile that rose up in your throat. Your neck felt sore as you passed your fingers gently over it, and you were well aware of the inevitable bruising.

Footsteps pounded against the rotting ground, heading straight for you. You panicked when the person landed on his knees next to you. They grabbed your arms, pulling you up to sit right.

“Y/N! It’s me!” The sound of his voice made you freeze. You looked at his eyes to be sure, and you felt yourself wanting to cry from the immense feeling of relief that spread throughout your body.

“It’s me,” Jackson repeated. He was distraught, fully aware of everything he did while under Park’s control. He felt disgusting, sick at the thought of hurting you and Mark like he did. He wanted nothing more than to take back everything he did. His heart broke at seeing your neck already swelling and bruising.

“Thank the heavens,” you whispered, your voice hoarse. You pulled him into your arms, never as thankful as you were now to see him as he truly was.

He pulled away and examined your tattered form, rubbing gentle fingers over your arms. “No words can ever describe how sorry I am, Y/N. I can’t believe I let this happen.”

You wanted to tell him that none of it was his fault, that you forgive everything he’s done. But the swelling in your throat prevented you from speaking, a sharp ache taking over every time you tried to use your voice.

Your brother quickly hushed you. “Don’t try to talk. You need to recover.” He looked around at the apparent battlefield, seeing his brothers fight the ravens and Jinyoung facing off against Mark. He clenched his jaw and looked back at you regretfully. “I have no right to put you in any place of hardship,” he said. “But you’re the only one that can save them right now. You know that, right?”

A direct hit to his heart, your pure magic saved Jackson from his dark prison. You brought him back, much like Mark brought Jinyoung back before. It was the only way to bring the others back from the shadows and free them from the hell inside their minds.

With a fierce nod of your head, you allowed Jackson to pull you to your feet. He made sure you could stand on your own, knowing how exhausted you were at this point.

“I’ll do the hard part,” he said. “Just wait for me to pin him down, okay?”

You looked over at Jinyoung and Mark. They were in a fierce standstill, practically butting heads as their contrasting blades of magic clashed. Each bore their own wounds, but only Jinyoung seemed weakened.

“Let’s go get him back.”

There’s only one chapter left! How do you think it’ll end?

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devilshe-lly · 3 years

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In a relationship with a narcissist…

January 17, 2022

I was told to keep a journal so that one day when I’ve had enough and I can’t let go of him I can look back and see all the times he has hurt me and be able to stand up the courage to finally let go….

This narcissistic relationship has been going on for too long, 10 years to be exact. Too many stories to tell but those will be different posts. Today was one of the days he made me feel like it was my fault. Here we go.

He was an alcoholic. He now drinks more lightly than before but even with a few alcohol drinks he still acts out. It was in the afternoon around 6 and he says he’s gonna go watch the football game with his friends at the friends house. He’s already about 3 beers in. I say fine go ahead no problem. I was leaving grocery shopping anyways and he hasn’t seen his friends in a while. Thinking he’d be back after the game is over. About an hour later he texts me saying that he texted a friend to buy some co*ain€ for his friends. His friends are a couple with 2 small children under the age of 3. I know the drug dealer and call his gf to ask him to not sell any to them because I too have small children in my home and I don’t want him coming back tripping. The gf says that the couple he’s with have been bugging them for c0c4in€ all week and always buy off them. This gives off red flags. Obviously if the friends buy it, he’s gonna do some too if offered. I then text him not to that I wouldn’t want anyone to catch him and then get back to me, I need to talk to you when you get home, nothing bad, I just need you to understand. He then gets really defensive and starts texting angrily. I repeatedly tell him it’s not about him. I wanted to let him know that his friends are up to no good and just to keep his distance but I didn’t want to tell him then because he was with them. He still gets defensive and makes me mad because I’m literally describing to him that it’s not about him. Comes home at midnight. His eyes always say when he’s been drinking. He comes home defensive and starts arguing. I told him not in front of the kids we would do this later. Starts arguing even more blaming me for getting him mad. He starts pushing buttons. He knows I cry when I get mad. I proceed to do so and start arguing and yelling back. He calms down and tones down his voice and tells me I’ve been wanting to start an argument since he left. It’s my fault again. Because I am yelling and crying im wrong . I tell him to leave me alone that I don’t want to do this and he still continues so I fight back with words. I start speaking Spanish and he’s smiling like he’s mocking me. Gets me more mad. I try to make a point and speak with facts with receipts from texts and all he does is interrupt me with saying no no no. I’ve had enough I ignore him he walks away, I start talking to myself saying how much I hate him he returns and starts arguing and blaming me again. Pushing my buttons. I realize that he has started this argument for defending his friends addiction to c0k€. He leaves. I start crying more because it hurts because I have no voice he ignores me and I have valid points he doesn’t. He cannot be wrong. It’s always me, my fault and he’s the victim. I tell him he always does this when he drinks. He argues and blames me and the next day he apologizes. He said he doesn’t apologize and will not. We’ll see. Yet here I still am.

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woshiyouanli · 4 years

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you were my december

This will be the last time that I will write about you. I hope so.

Much has changed and time never stopped. It was just a chapter but it felt like it was the whole book. It felt like I’ve spent a lifetime with someone who made me all the good and the bad. It was an experience. It wasn’t easy at all, yet it was something worth the struggle — at first.

For a libra and a virgo, it is too good to be true to make a relationship work. Trust me. If there’s one thing that might keep them going, toxicity for sure fuels it. For a libra who likes things just the way they are, it’s not the case for a virgo; things work the other way around. It’s too complicated — details, overthinking, organization, plans and a lot of re-assurance. You kept me worried halfway to the point I even questioned myself if this is what would I want for the years to come; if this is what I can tolerate.

As much as I wanted to describe the “first parts” as our “first years”, I could just not claim it that way since technically, what we had was on and off. It was almost there to celebrate it as a year, but something really happens. At first I believe that it was just a test but later, I realized that it is an annual reminder. For three years dealing with butterflies and dark light, it was not something good to feel about. Things just keep on happening during this time of the year.

December 2018. Months before this, we already had something special. We knew what we wanted. The holiday season came and from that, I wanted to do something. I committed. We were so happily in love even in the next months. We tried to make things work despite the distance. We compromised but I guess compromise will just make things too tiring for us. Here comes October and it made me realize that I wasn’t enough at all. I thank you for that, it made me want to build higher walls.

December 2019. Maybe I was just too sick of Popoy and Basha, I even believed in three-month rule. We have parted ways already and I was too excited for January to come since it will be already the third month. I may be too ambitious in thinking that I should be replacing you with someone better but I know deep in my heart that time, it will always be you even if you’re the worst. And, as I was almost there in January, you came back. As much as I wanted to refrain from you, I just cannot because I was too vulnerable. I lost one of the of most important persons in my life and I cannot afford to let my feelings consume me as you were already present again. I just let time happen and believed that maybe it was fate — maybe we both learned already and why not just start all over again? The story continued. The wall I built was slowly destructed, leaving no parts to prohibit you.

December 2020. Months had already passed since we called it quits. I was never ready to see you. More importantly, I was not ready to see you replacing me. In all honesty, if there is one thing that I could not let happen before, it is that, you would find someone new, better than me. I was so scared that if you would replace me, you would just be so happy and continue your life just how you wanted it to work. But seeing the reality, it made me realize that I have no right to shelter you and enclose you with the four corners built in my mind. Instead of seeing myself sad and being bothered of how happy you are, I decided to let go and kick you out of the picture. Instead of seeing you, I tried to go and place myself in a different angle — all me, being happy and working my way to be better, preparing myself for a new chapter. A phase where I will be not with you, but with someone who’s way better than you, a person I deserve.

All I knew that every bit of it was worth fighting for. I was wrong. I should not have let ourselves force things. It brings more buildup of mixed up emotions and it will really take a toll on our well-being. This year was the most painful part. I know that you tried your best to meet halfway but I believe in myself that I will just get tired of seeing you that way — settling for what I only want, not the both of us wanted — and later on, I will just give in so that you will be the one who will not get tired of me. I am so sick of driving my way out of a dark tunnel because I cannot see any character development. Instead of seeing light, I keep on seeing the same red flag over and over again. Starting it all over again and having it quits make the first heartbreak weigh a thousand times heavier. It really is not something to carry so easily since it was shorter but it was something more special. As much as I wanted to hope for what we had, I cannot tolerate it anymore. It’s funny that after it all, I am the one who’s feeling so heavy when in fact I was the one who wanted it done. I was also thinking that maybe you would realize things better but the truth is, you did not and you will not. I drowned myself to the illusion that you know better than I am since you were the one who had relationships before. I thought of you in the best picture that I can imagine you. In my mind, you were someone who’s hundred times better but in reality, you were not. I am saying these things because all along I was blinded. Too much of that love made me close my eyes and think that it would be more painful if I choose to open these up. Yes, falling in love with you felt like it was a dream but you know what? I am not here to lay down forever and be stuck in a time loop of dreams occurring all over again. I am a human being, destined to feel pain and happiness. I am myself, meant to wake up to see bigger and brighter days ahead.

To the many firsts I’ve had with you — all the good and the bad, I’ll just take it all as a sad memory beautified by time and acceptance. You were all in it. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I was a part of your family. I do not know if this is necessary but, I forgive you and more importantly, I forgive myself too. It is time to focus on other things and I forgive myself for holding on too long.

I wish you the happiness that you deserve. I pray that you learn and grow.

Here’s to making ourselves better. Here’s to new beginnings.

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l-l-kristofferson · 7 years

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My History Of Being Bullied

***DISCLAIMER: IF YOU HAVE PTSD FROM BULLYING AND ARE EASILY TRIGGERED, DO NOT READ. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR INSIGHTING INTO BULLYING AND A PERSONAL ACCOUNT FROM AN LGBTQ PERSON, ENJOY! THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.***

At some point in life, a kid will experience bullying. It isn't something that is uncommon nowadays. In the 1950's and 1960's, it was seen as "toughening kids up", especially for boys who were seen as "wimps". For girls, it is about degrading someone that is different from them. For the popular crowd, it is seen as the hierarchy of things to pick on those who aren't as talented or pretty. I was unfortunately one of those people who fell victim to the alienation of bullying. This is my story.

It started around twelve or thirteen. It was when I first came out as bisexual. I initially came out to my cousin Emily. She was older than me at the time (an eighth grader. I was a sixth grader). She didn't have a problem with it at first. But as I got older, she started to become more enveloped with her faith and said that it was wrong for me to feel that way. Naturally, I distanced myself from her. Despite this initial positive reception, I decided to come out to my classmates at school. That was by far one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have ever made in my life. The initial shock was felt around the room and majority of the girls looked at me with disgust. The guys didn't exactly care. So it was a mixed bag.

But for the rest of my junior high experience, I was subject to rumors and ridicule. A lot of the rumors centered around me liking certain boys in our grade. One was a guy with the same last name as me, his name was Rolbis. Although it wasn't true, a lot of the girls would make me feel self conscious by saying that I was just denying it. They kept saying I was straight and that I didn't really like girls if I found a guy attractive. The more I denied the rumors, the worse their accusations became. Eventually, I just grew thick skin to it and was like yeah yeah yeah, I like this guy. But when this got old, the girls switched to another tactic. Some of the girls would come close to where I was sitting, in a group usually, and ask me what girls in the class I thought were pretty. This made me feel awkward about myself, seeing as I didn't really look at a lot of the girls. Though I thought a lot of them were pretty, I wasn't going to give them more ammo to ridicule me. So I would say that a lot of them were pretty or I would decline to answer them. When this was unsatisfactory, they asked which girls I'd date. This I refused to answer altogether. They thought my silence meant I thought the girls weren't worth dating. Succumbing to guilt, I'd be quick to answer them to avoid backlash. Nonetheless, junior high wasn't a fun time.

When I got to high school, I came to the realization that I solely liked girls. Mostly became of my history of guys being jerks to me in the past (thanks Dad). I told a few friends I had made my first week at school. By week three, it was all over the freshman populous that I was a lesbian. That's when everything started. I told the stories of having my clothes and shoes stolen at gym, the guys dumping me in trash cans and holding me in closets and the men's room, and I talked about the story of Samantha how many times now? But there were little things that I haven't talked about like the fact I would get pelted with textbooks by people who passed me in the hallway. I was hit with paper balls, spit balls, pens, pencils, small cartons of milk or containers of juice, I even got hit with a few apples and oranges. If it wasn't physical or psychological, it was mental. I'd get anonymous notes, slipped into my bag or put on my desk during class, saying things like "You're ugly", "You are not normal", "You are unnatural", "No one will ever like/date you", or "All fags will die". As a teenage kid, it brings on a lot of emotions that were hard to combat. I talked about how depressed I would get and not want to go to school because I wanted to avoid the torture.

School wasn't the only place I didn't feel welcome. Among my own family members, I didn't feel welcome. For those that know me, they know that I don't exactly proclaim religion. I was Agnostic for a long time. As I studied religion in some of my required courses, I leaned more toward a Buddhist philosophy with Christian morals. It's not "ideal" by most standards, but it makes me happy. Anyway, I come from a religious family. My maternal grandfather is a pastor and has been recognized by Spanish rectories since 1983. So I was fearful to come out to my family. But when I was twelve, I told a friend who could not keep her mouth shut and she outed me to my mom. My mom didn't react at first. But on the drive home that night, she did enough to make me uncomfortable about coming out. One of the statements she made was, "Just because I tell my friend she looks pretty and that she has nice lips doesn't mean I want to take her to bed." I was already upset and this further distressed me. At one point, she started to hit me from the driver's side at a stoplight. I started to cry again before she stopped to continue driving. Throughout high school, she wasn't supportive of the bullying but said that these were the consequences of my choices. This was after I walked into the house with a black eye, bruises, and cuts one day.

It may all sound bad but my mom just didn't know how to handle it. She had gay cousins and friends. But it's different when it's your child. Although she doesn't understand fully that I am transgender, she still loves me as I am. I am grateful to have her. I hope that with time, she will open her mind more and come to accept and respect my decision to transition later on.

However, my father was a different story. He knew I was struggling with my sexuality when he and my mother first got me a therapist as a teenager. Or so he claimed. So when I came out as lesbian, he became more disapproving. Whenever I would talk about a girlfriend I had or even hanging out with a girl, his tone would change. He has said to me multiple times that it was "ungodly" and that "I need to pray to God and find a man". My dad made it clear to me by sixteen that he wasn't going to accept me as a lesbian. But I still gave him a chance. A couple years ago, a former friend invited me to be her date for Junior prom. I was excited about it because I didn't go to my own proms in high school. But when I told my dad, I was again met with disapproval. After that, I stopped trying. I made an effort to distance myself from him and his rigid, negative comments. He claims to love me. But he doesn't love the parts of me that make up who I am. I didn't even bother to tell him that I was transgender because I already knew what his reaction would be. When I was growing up and after I came out to him, my dad would always bring up this gay friend he had. It wasn't his friend, it was his gay friend. He talked about how his friend struggled and how his friend was always depressed. I now understand that he was trying to deter me from an LGBTQ lifestyle.

Dad, if you happen to read this, I am not your friend. I am your child. I have struggled to be who I am. I have tried to deny who I was for a long time. I was honestly more miserable pretending than I was being who I am. So if you can't accept me as a man and your son, then you can stay out of my life. I have no room for your oppression and false sense of love. It is not love if you are making it a requirement for me to change and be a "woman". That isn't the life for me. I am happy to accept myself as a man and I plan on taking the steps to become who I am meant to be.

For my brother, it was kind of the same story as my father. I officially came out to him at fourteen. He didn't have a reaction. So I assumed I was okay. But when I did get into relationships with girls, he would always ask who the guy in the relationship was. That would always irritate me because when I said I was, he'd laugh at me. I told his girlfriend that I was transgender. In return, she told my brother. She told me that he laughed at the idea. This again irritated me. He wouldn't and doesn't understand. He is a cisgender male. He was born into his body. He did not have to spend his entire life questioning who he was. He knew who he was as he grew up into what is now considered a man. He has never had to deal with rejection from girls because of his appearance, feel uncomfortable with his body, or feel conflicted between what he should be and what he feels he should be. I am not saying that all cisgender people don't know or cannot relate to their transgender counterparts. I am saying that my brother does not understand anything about me as a transgender man or anything about the LGBTQ community. He has a similar, if not the same, attitude towards LGBTQ person as my father. He's the apple that didn't fall far from the tree.

After graduating high school, I thought that college would be very different. It was. But the homophobia didn't exactly disappear. I didn't encounter it a lot, but there were two people I encountered that infuriated me. The first was a girl by the name of Danielle Maguire. I had met her when I was taking placement tests at my school. We became quick friends. She said that she came from a single parent home and her father had passed away when she was young. She also told me that one of her brothers had autism and that she wasn't exactly in the best place financially. She would have fainting spells from not eating. Being a nice guy, I provided a listening ear for her problems and some food to keep her going. But when I began to struggle financially myself, she would ask why I didn't buy her food anymore. I told her why and it didn't satisfy her. That should have been my first red flag. But I ignored it. As time went on, I went into personal struggles at home. Being friends, I felt I could tell Danielle my problems. But she shoved them off, saying I was being a drama queen. In the back of my mind, I was pissed off. You're supposed to be my friend and you're telling me to get over it? Damn. Some friend. After a year, I was fed up with her behavior. So I cut her off and went on my way. I'm glad that I cut her off. Because after I did, I found out more about her. I found out that she was a homophobic, racist bigot. She makes remarks about different ethnicities and is prejudicial against anyone LGBTQ. I'm sorry but God does not like ugly.

Another person I had an encounter with was actually a teacher. He was a priest named Father Mark. I was struggling at home and fell asleep in his class once. I wrote him a letter about why and told him what I was going through. In that letter, I revealed my sexuality and the trouble of my relationship at the time, along with the fact I was struggling at home. From that day, everything changed. He treated me differently from every other student. If he asked a question and I raised my hand, he would wait for others to raise their hand and call on them instead. When he did pick on me to answer a question, he would pick it apart and find everything wrong with it. It went on like this for a while. I considered dropping the class. But I toughed it out. Come finals day in his class and I made a joke about how we were all about to die. Some people laughed and Father Mark took off his glasses and he said stop. The room fell silent and I grew irritated. I couldn't even make a joke? Wow. After I finished, I left the room. When I did, I turned around and flipped off the door. I ended up getting a B+ in that class. In your face Father Mark.

I have told a couple of my cousins about me being transgender and they are accepting. I have a lot of friends that accept me as Allister. I have some friends that have met me as Lucas or Luke. Needless to say, I am surrounded by a lot of positivity when it comes to my preferred names and gender pronoun preferences. For my family, I know it is going to take time. Everyone knows me as my birth name and it's been my name to them since I have existed. But I hope they can adapt to the new me.

Thanks for listening. Write again soon.

#writer #writing #outandproud #iamhappy #iwillnotpretend #positivity #acceptingpeople #iamgrateful #lgbtq #transgenderman #bullyingisnotokay #bullyingawareness #iamstrongerthanthem

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