#rant on how amatonormativity sucks

[laurasyuriaccountiguess]

I always feel a little weird whenever I talk to one of my friends who is a girl. It feels weird becuse, and this is gonna shock you, we live in an amatonormative, heteronormative world. And I'm not even a man, that's not how I identify. But my gender presentation begs to differ. Queerphobia's a bitch, what can I say ? But it just feels weird to even walk next to a girl because of amatonormativity. I hate to rant twice in a day but I'm just particularly negative today I suppose.

TL;DR: amatonormativity makes me not want to talk to girls.

[quadrantadvisor]

Was desperate enough to use the search function to find posts about The Host by Stephenie Meyer and I just wanted to say, I love your takes and I agree with everything.

The love square never made sense. Jared and Melanie were impossible to root for because the sole basis of their love was that Melanie felt safe with him and Melanie was the last woman on Earth to Jared, and then neither of those things turn out to be true so all they have is intense sexual chemistry. And especially in contrast to Ian and Wanda, how and why am I supposed to care about them? And there is no reason for Wanda to love Jared. I get her falling in love with him through Melanie’s memory of him, but the reality ought to have shattered that illusion for both of them IMO. Especially for Melanie, because he’d rather scream at and hit her body rather than even entertain the hope she might be in there. Sure, he protects it from other humans, but then he abuses it, so that’s not in fact protection; it’s possession.

The gender bioessentialism never made sense. Sure, Wanda’s in a female body and can make the choice to reproduce, which is super cool. But given that her sense of gender hinges on that ability to reproduce and given that that ability is super rare, why would other Souls gender themselves? I think being agender or someone who just didn’t give a damn about pedantic human gender roles would have been super interesting for Wanda’s character and I think it would have added more dimension to her and Ian’s relationship. He barely had to struggle with the fact that the body she was in belonged to an attractive cisgender girl and he was a cishet man, in spite of Meyer’s weak attempts to call that into question. The gender question might have thrown him for more of a loop.

Contrast that to Jared’s very comphet interpretation of his relationship with Melanie, and ooh baby, we’ve got a stew!

Also would have liked more exploration on ethics in general. Why do the Souls care about the well-being of the organisms on the Fire Eater planet but not on Earth? Instead of stopping from eating them, do they steal their bodies too? And the humans killing other humans in an attempt to save them: Is it okay to murder them if they’re the ones doing the murdering, like before?

Sorry for the long ask. I just have a lot of thoughts. Please feel free to block and ignore if this is too weird. Genuinely no intention to bother or offend and I’m sorry if I have.

Oh man I'm always ready to rant about The Host with people!

Yeah I feel like Meyer thought she was saying something really deep about human nature and the way that our instincts drive us? And there is something there, like, your body having a reaction to another person and that affecting your behavior is interesting! In my opinion she just went WAY too far with it, and it makes the characters seem unrealistic and childish. The ways that both Melanie and Wanderer act around Jared are bizarre (this may partially be my ace spectrum talking but like, c'mon.) Jared just kinda sucks, also. The whole idea that there's this inherent magnetism between MEN and WOMEN and that that physical attraction is the most important thing in the world is so heteronormative and amatonormative and uncomfortable

And the book was SO CLOSE to having an interesting take on gender! Examing the genders and/or lack thereof of a body-snatching alien species could be so fun! There's even the mention of the alien species with three genders, and talking about their family structures. You would think that something like that would indicate a more expansive view on gender, but really it's just an extrapolation of more bioessentialism. Because that species has those biological sexes, their families MUST be steucturedin this way, because that's what's natural for them. There's no room for variability or different sorts of feelings. She completely equates gender with biology, even when that biology is being coopted by a hitchhiker.

You're so right about Ian and Wanderer, I would love more examinations of how different she is from humans, including in a gender sense, and them having to deal with that as a part of their relationship. Setting up Jared as someone very entrenched in social norms and Ian as a foil to him in that way sounds really interesting!

Soul society and ethics are SO fascinating. I do sincerely think that Meyer is an compelling fantasy and sci fi world builder, if nothing else.

It's late and I feel like I'm a little incoherent but I love getting to chat about this book, it's so infuriating but so fun, now I want to read it again.

[heartslobbf]

i watched heartstopper s2 because i was an avid osemanverse enjoyer in my early teen years (back when alice oseman still had anons on rip) and owe some of my aspec self-discovery to their writing. i knew they had written an aroace storyline into this series and wanted to see it because whilst i knew as an aroallo lesbian i wouldn’t totally resonate and might be a bit cheesed off by aspects of it, i enjoy aromantic crumbs, and i enjoy discussing aspec Stuff even more. it was……. an interesting experience? has certainly given me a lot to think about. gushy rant below the cut :)

i will say, i think that the amatonormativity is still strong, and rigid in this show. it’s like, isaac is the exception to the rule and his true love is books, and he gets to yell at his friends for all being so damn couple-y and romance-obsessed but there’s no resolution to that. is that realistic? yeah, sure, allo friends can fucking suck, but heartstopper is the kind of show aiming to do certain things for queer kids where id expect a dialogue about this. you know, charlie & co coming to understand aspec identities and becoming more conscious of how amatonormativity affects them, interrogating it in such a way that these queer couples can also be liberated from its trappings. juicy shit like that. didnt happen tho. isaac gets a book about asexuality (no mention of aromanticism on its cover!!! the word is used by the artist who vaguely explains both terms to isaac, but there is a much greater focus on asexuality, so much so that this morning i saw pink fucking news celebrating isaac’s asexual storyline without a mention of his aromanticism) and that’s it.

a lot of that criticism is arguably coloured by my experience as an aroallo person, because i just want aromanticism to be engaged with as aromanticism. you know aroaces we are besties in arms solidarity and all that, and im so fucking happy you got some great asexual rep that frequently used the word asexual, as well as your flag and iconography. like fuck yeah!!!!!! let’s go!!!!!! however, aromanticism is not a subset of asexuality, is not an ‘extreme form’ of asexuality, does not necessarily have anything to do with asexuality. im sure the aspec folks know this, but allo fuckers dont and that means that this canonically aromantic character who was emotionally affecting to me is one that im gonna be barred from resonating with again and again.

you know, moments of isaac’s story were so profound and moving for me. i cried at the kiss scene in episode 5, it was probably the single most relatable moment of tv (related to my experiences with sexuality) that ive ever seen. its certainly not my favourite tv moment of all time lol, relatability ≠ quality, but when youre part of a marginalised group and experience a lot of loneliness and alienation surrounding your identity it is great to see it reflected. i honestly loved that shit!!!!! ive been there!!!! that’s me!!!!!! the wanting and the not wanting!!! the jealousy and confusion and alienation, the longing to be able to feel what you can’t just so you don’t have to be so lonely, the knowledge that you’re just not that person…… oh it was great. it was fucking great. so you can maybe appreciate how upsetting it is for other people to neglect the aromantic facets of this canonically aromantic character, when we dont get shit.

having said that, asexuals also dont get shit; my issue is absolutely not with isaac being aroace, but rather with how mainstream understanding of aspec identities is still so piss poor that people neglect the aromantic aspect of that identity. i found isaac to be a relatable character and i enjoyed and appreciated that about him; i wish more people would talk about him being both asexual and aromantic, because aromanticism does not get talked about enough as anything other than an ‘extension’ of asexuality, an idea which only diminishes the complexity and vastness of both (fucking awesome and beautiful) identities. love and light and solidarity forever with all other aspec folk <3

[spinaroos-47]

at your tags on that one post: YES! hanahaki my beloathed! like it's such an amatonormative trope because platonic love is not "enough" to get rid of it. and then like, it's such an uncomfortable situation like "love me back or i'll Die and you'll be stuck with that" and it's portrayed as cute and fluffy rather than horrifying??? and some versions of the au have like a "it can be cured surgically but that also removes your romantic feelings for that person" which kinda removes some of the issues but then it's like. the characters choose to continue suffering through a life-threatening illness because the idea of not having romantic feelings is that horrifying to them? what amatonormativity does to a mf. (sorry for excessively long rant i'm just hype because ayyy same hat)

Yeah. And also how the demonization of not feeling romantic love and being considered worst than a life threatening illness is pretty nasty

Like, i love the concept of certain feelings making you cough up flowers if theyre not dealt with/understood/etc, its just the "YOU HAVE TO CONFESS YOUR ROMANTIC ATTRACTION" that sucks a lot. I like just having it as a way to confront and process bottled stuff

[aromantic-nerd]

Ah yes, the “aro mood,” which seems to occupy my brain in the most random of times, but yet has the most insane iron clad death-grip on my entire being when it does.

Hours will pass. I’ll have written three Tumblr rants, two media analyses and one giant “f*uck amatonormativity” masterpost. Usually not stuff that anyone will ever see, it’s just to get all the massive thoughts out of my brain. I’ll talk on and on to my online friends about how much being aro sucks sometimes and about why the norms are like this.

I simply sit and rage about everything.

Then, it slowly but surely morphs into incredibly assertive aro joy. Internally and externally celebrating my identity because “those norms are just stupid: I’m awesome and unique and happy. That’s what matters. Sucks to suck for anyone who isn’t happy for me.” Then after that, the “aro mood” subsides.

What’s really funny to me is that it doesn’t seem to matter where a person falls on the aro spectrum or whether they actively create content or not - this mood seems to be common with so many people I talk with. It’s honestly great to know that, because when the “aro mood” hits sometimes I feel crazy. We can all be angry aros together :)

[startedwellthatsentence]

I’ve been struggling a lot recently. With ADHD, depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction, emotional disregulation, anhedonia, etc. etc. etc. etc. But so has everyone else this year, so that’s not special.

But what really sucks is that the ONLY success stories about tackling this I’ve seen in real life involve leaning on a romantic partner (or partners) for support. Having someone that helps redirect your focus, reminds you of things, lets you talk at them at any time until you figure shit out, etc. etc. etc. ALL the people I know that have issues with this have people who can help them.

And I know that I’ll never have a personal support like that, because of my orientation (aro ace). That kind of relationship is off the table. Not a thing. Will not happen. I’m so romance repulsed that even a qpr would be impossible. And in terms of HAVING A RELATIONSHIP, I am more than okay with that. I don’t desire a romantic relationship, do not want. Even when I thought I was allo, I never pursued a relationship because that’s not something I was interested in.

But even though I’m satisfied with this outcome (inter)personally, it makes the future look bleak-to-impossible. Basically ALL coping mechanisms for any of these problems are nothing more than temporary stop-gaps to get by until you have a support system, which, again, I am never going to be able to have. All advice I’ve seen is either ALREADY “ask the person you trust for help,” or it says “doing this will help you get your shit together long enough to find a relationship, after which see the previous advice”.

Yes, relationships don’t solve these problems, but AFTER you’re in a relationship all the advice becomes “how to maintain a healthy relationship so that you can keep that necessary support person, because again, you need it in order to effectively deal with these problems,” mixed with “how to be that support person for your partner, while still dealing with your own shit.”

Again, yes, I know general wisdom is “you are responsible for your own mental health, it is not your partner’s job to shoulder the entire burden”, BUT. The entire concept is based around the idea that you will eventually be in a place where you have a partner. The narrative is “you are single and not in a place where you can maintain healthy relationships. Do these things, so that you CAN have a relationship. Once you get a relationship, do these things so that you can keep the relationship.”

AND all the people I know who have issues with this have been able to overcome a LOT of the problems I’m currently facing because they have someone to help them. Can’t make yourself start a project? Partner can start it with you, or remind you. Can’t get out of bed? Partner notices and can encourage you. Can’t maintain a schedule? Now there are two schedules, that’s twice the structure, and double the chance that one of you will remember to go to bed/get up/leave the house on time. Want to do the fun thing? Someone to go with you. Don’t have to initiate contact, because contact is already always there. Anxious because everyone hates you? At least one person has decided that they at one point liked you enough to be with you, and they haven’t left yet (insert “maintain relationship” advice here).

All the people I’ve seen who can successfully live alone are people who don’t deal with the anxiety/depression/ADHD trifecta. All the people I know who HAVE depression/anxiety/ADHD have found success through having a partner. The people who have it and aren’t partnered? Struggling, BUT they at least can look to a future of having that support at some point. I don’t even know what a successful future for me would look like, because I don’t think I can deal with these problems without a partner, but I know that I cannot have a partner.

TL;DR: amatonormativity sucks, mental health issues suck, and being aro sucks BECAUSE of that overlap.

This Is Not An Essay This Is A Personal Rant

[potatopossums]

Idk man, sometimes I like the aromantic fb groups I follow, and other times I kind of hate the comments.

Uh yeah it's a long one. Affectionate aro-spec rant inbound.

Today, I was reading a thread about "allos developing feelings after sex" and how that was "such an alloromantic experience."

It felt fucking alienating.

Maybe I read "feelings" to mean something different than "instantly wants to marry/date this person." That is not my definition of "developing feelings." But the wording is so vague, and I don't have much of a vocabulary outside of these experiences. I mean, I still use decidedly alloromantic terminology sometimes, because I grew up with it for so long, and I find it difficult to use other terms, even if they're technically the correct definition for what I'm experiencing.

But my main gripe was really with this demonization of "feelings." Feelings of intimacy? Feelings of tenderness? Wanting to continue? Sure, it depends on the people involved; each relationship has its own rules and boundaries and goals. Aromantic people can easily do romantic-coded things and enjoy them. They can also just as easily avoid those things. That's up to personal choice, and I'm not knocking that.

But it bothered me how unanimous it was in that comments section that a casual sex partner expressing a desire to "do more than sex only" might be off-putting. Sure, I think the intention was that a sex partner suddenly wants to date you, and yeah, I would say no to that advance, too, were I in a similar position. But if a friendship/FWB/QPR formed organically from a casual sex situation? Sure.

And on the flipside, it also bothers me that sex can't possibly be seen as an emotionally bonding experience. Again, romance entirely aside, I would consider, especially as a largely demisexual person, that sex with someone I was actually physically attracted to would also involve emotions. It would enrich my relationship with that person. That doesn't make it romantic for me. My tendencies are just very close knit. I enjoy deep relationships and tend to despise surface level ones. This has more to do with my learned history of passivity, and less to do with romantic feelings. I don't feel romantic. I feel close. I desire closeness. That closeness can manifest in a lot of different ways. Romance, in my experience, likes to wear the costume of intimacy and parrot the lines, but it doesn't signify intimacy. Closeness comes from self and mutual honesty. And from some shit just lining up well.

Feelings (as in emotions) are part of the human experience. They're temporary, and that's the important bit (and that was the only bit on that thread that I actually agreed with; alloromantic people do tend to view feeling as fact in a romantic sense, but everyone is prone to misreading general feelings as fact—for example, a common trap is "I'm afraid, therefore I must be in danger." Feelings, thus, are not necessarily factual.) But emotions are also reactions to something. Experiencing emotions is a normal thing. Having sex with someone casually for an extended period of time will likely let you get to know that person a bit. Amatonormative conditioning can easily kick in, regardless of orientation. And amatonormativity promises something—something substantial.

Happiness.

Clearly, this promise doesn't hold up. Romance is bullshit, unhealthy, an obsession with being unrequited, and an overinflated lens of glorifying pain for the purpose of promised reward (which never comes). We all know that.

And yet, it still reels some of us in. Conditioning at its finest, eh? Remind me to stop watching movies with any shred of romance in them.

But here's the thing. I'm aro-spec and I have fucking ADHD. Those two experiences, for me, have been the absolute worst combination.

I'm only beginning to come to grips with my ADHD and how it affects my perception of the world and my orientation(s) within it. One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I chase highs. Those highs simulate the deficiency in dopamine and reward signals inside my brain. I kind of don't function normally when I don't have those reward chemicals. I don't feel senses of accomplishment often, even when I've done lots of things. This is a really common experience with ADHD, hence why depression and anxiety can sometimes be considered side-effects of ADHD. Of course feeling like you've done nothing would make you anxious and depressed.

But especially in terms of social relationships, these sorts of reward chemicals can factor in to great amounts. I mean, I'd like to say that romance writing & fantasizing has been one of my most persistent hyperfixations in life. It's a concept teeming with overwhelming emotions, which tend to set off chemical responses in the brain that can induce dopamine, or dopamine-like effects. Thus, drama feels good. And for someone who never feels good... well, drama can become a drug. It can become seemingly the only thing that helps one feel good—about themselves, about their life, their accomplishments, their abilities—especially for undiagnosed adults.

It's a really tumultuous reality. And the back and forth is absolutely chaotic. Hyperfixations don't go on constantly. But they can start at any time. They can be triggered so easily. And amatonormative and positive conditioning doesn't help. Again, it's a happy drug for your brain. Evolution probably intended that. And now it's gone very awry in me.

Here's my thing though: me wanting intimacy, me wanting closeness—that does not equate to romance. Me experiencing feelings and desiring those feelings also doesn't equate to romance. My brain has a chemistry issue. It likes these chemicals, like, way too much as it is. Amatonormativity already conditioned me to chase these highs, and those highs have an even stronger and more dangerous effect on me and my perception of reality, especially as someone who is statistically more predisposed addictive behaviors.

So imagine trying to sus out that you're actually aromantic underneath all that. But you also are really touch starved. Oh, and you're a lesbian. Not even a little bit bisexual. Totally very gay. And you have sensory issues. And you have those handy-dandy side effects of anxiety and depression hanging around.

There's a lot to parse through every time I have an emotion at all.

So genuinely: yes. I agree that it sucks when someone you only wanna have casual sex with suddenly wants to have a romantic relationship with you.

But also: I'm aro, and I'm also not over here having sex with random strangers. I'm over here having sex with good friends. I'm over here being polyaffectionate. I'm over here chasing the highs of pretty people, sensual intimacy, and awesome orgasms.

And none of that shit rings alloromantic to me.

[aro-culture-is]

Rant#It's funny how ppl say aromantism is a made of thing to justify hurting a person when aros are the ones who set boundaries & talk abt eachother's needs. I'm so hurt by this guy I thought was bestfrn. I felt guilty for turning him down &we aren't even frns anymore and I thought it was my fault. Recently came to kno that he already had a gf when he talked abt his rom interest in me. He wanted his bestfrn to be a side bitch? or was our frnship nth to him that he could risk losing it?disgusting

It's funny how ppl say aromantism is a made of thing to justify hurting a person when aros are the ones who set boundaries & talk abt eachother's needs. 

so in regards to this: while as a community we encourage each other to set boundaries and talk about each other’s needs, I do think that characterizing us as all being good at that is incorrect. i’m not. i try, but realistically, i have a lot of anxiety issues. i’m actively working on it, but... that doesn’t mean that I’m good at it. I know a lot of strategies and ideas about how to do things the “good” way. I know that I need to communicate my needs and wants and let others do the same. but the last time I trusted someone with a lot of my mental health with little reservation I ended up traumatized and scared and even worse off for it all. I do my best and while I think we all should do our best, careful on generalizing those things lest we ignore the problems we do have. I also do get that this could be a spacing thing though, so it’s chill.

I'm so hurt by this guy I thought was bestfrn. I felt guilty for turning him down &we aren't even frns anymore and I thought it was my fault. 

So: expressing your boundaries is not “your fault”. Expressing your boundaries and someone else expressing theirs (ie: you didn’t want him as a romantic partner, he didn’t want you as a friend) is not anyone’s fault. It’s unfortunately going to be a sense of self vs self care vs emotional maturity situation on each side, and that isn’t someone’s fault. 

Recently came to kno that he already had a gf when he talked abt his rom interest in me. He wanted his bestfrn to be a side bitch? or was our frnship nth to him that he could risk losing it?disgusting 

I’m honestly going to be cautious here. I don’t know him. I don’t know you. But I do know enough to say that this sounds like an extremely emotionally charged statement, and that I’m curious how he phrased it. Obviously, you’ve expressed that you aren’t willing to be in a romantic relationship with him, and he should respect that. That is not in question. What I am questioning is “side bitch”. Did he express it as a “we’re in an open relationship and I also still want to pursue you” way, did it seem spontaneous, was it more of a “I don’t want to be with my current partner because I’m still interested in you”, or something else still?

I say this not to bring up an obviously painful memory, but because I’m strongly questioning if this was an attempt at polyamory by an emotionally immature person, if it was an attempt at cheating, or just more generally a statement by an emotionally immature person. You’ve expressed your no, and that is that. I am a random internet stranger who has to take your limited characters and try to interpret what I can, and I want to reassure you but also caution that not all attempts at dating more than one person are disgusting, and while emotional maturity is hard to handle and NOT YOUR JOB, that also doesn’t mean that your friendship meant nothing to him.

And with that, a final note: my experience and understanding so far is that a lot of emotionally immature people (typically raised with toxic masculinity) THINK that a person who listens to them talking about their emotions and cares is expressing an interest in dating. This, in short, boils down to amatonormativity suggesting that the only people who will ever stick with you are the people who you date or marry. We know that amatonormativity sucks, and when you combine that with toxic masculinity, you get a lot of people who assume and are frightened by someone having an interest in them as a person at all.

That said, don’t pity them and try to date or explain this to all of them. It’s often a futile effort until they (hopefully!) distinguish the feelings. You’ve done your part. I would suggest that it isn’t that your friendship meant nothing. It is that it meant something and that scared him, and combined with amatonormativity and emotional immaturity, is leading to some pretty dumb choices.

You don’t have to stick around for him, but don’t blame yourself. You’re fine. It sucks and I won’t deny that, but this isn’t your fault, and you meant something, and it just didn’t work out. That’s okay. You’re okay.

Good luck in future endeavors, and I hope that the healing process goes well. If you want any of my thoughts on that, I would advise this post from the paragraph beginning with “What I can tell you is...” 

[saltyaro]

Sorry I just really need to rant. A friend basically dropped me in favor of the guys she dates and when she does talk to me, it’s to complain about how they broke her heart (boo hoo you dug yourself into this hole now lie in it). Or to go on about how yet another guy likes her and oh no what to do. Like????? And???? You think I care???? I stopped caring when I realized you would never value our friendship. Yeah I get it, most of the world doesn’t prioritize platonic relationships. Pt 1.

Pt 2( I’m so sorry): But I’m sick and tired of always being the last choice (unless people need something of course). Do I deserve to have good friends and people who care about me? Probably not. But I know I don’t like what I currently have. And I know what I do want. And if it’s too much to ask of people to be recognized once in a while, then screw them. I’m tired of hating myself more because I feel worthless on account of never mattering to anyone.

Don’t be sorry, it’s okay to rant! 

You have my heartfelt compassion, it really sucks...

You do deserve good things though, good friends included! I know it’s difficult in this hell of a society, but you have value. And not any less than alloros. You definitely deserve more than to me the spare wheel your friend rants to...especially about the very topic that’s making you so miserable. Your friend shouldn’t treat you like this. She should at least ask you about how you feel - like, “is it okay to vent about x?” And...I’d say, treat people the way they treat you. I know it hurts to always be the last in everyone’s mind, and this isn’t healthy honestly. Don’t do for her, what she wouldn’t for you (or try). If the relationship falls apart, it wasn’t a good one. Imbalanced relationships suck, and we have to be even more careful of those, as aromantics in a romance obsessed society. 

We tend to put value on our relationships in general, because we aren’t imprisoned by the prospect of romance, but this is a double-edged blade because this world isn’t made for us. 

I relate to this ask so much, you have no idea. I haven’t found a solution - I haven’t found alloros willing to be decent towards the people they call friends yet - but at least, know you’re not alone. And that it’s okay to vent about amatonormativity anytime!

Hugs if you want them :)

[moving-on-moving-forward]

So Valentine’s Day is coming up.

I could honestly go on a long rant about amatonormativity and how toxic Valentine’s Day can be.

Yeah it’s great to celebrate love and it can be a really cute holiday, but having romance shoved in your face can really suck, too.

There is nothing wrong with not liking Valentine’s Day!! There is nothing wrong with being single and even enjoying being single! You do not need romance and there is a lot of pressure in society to find romantic love, it’s really strongly associated with happiness, but you do not need romance to be happy. Period.

Don’t be mean to couples on Valentine’s Day and let people celebrate it, but don’t ever feel sad or ashamed to not have a valentine.

Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday, it was made to sell chocolate. Making it meaningful if you’re in a relationship is wonderful and perfectly fine, but that’s because of the bond you have not because of the “magic of romance” or Valentine’s Day itself being special.

You do not need romance

You are amazing

You can be single on Valentine’s Day

It doesn’t mean anything and it doesn’t make you lesser than those who do have relationships.

(And as a side note, there is nothing wrong with enjoying valentines day either. there’s nothing wrong with loving the holiday, this is just as a reminder for those who are hurting during this time of the year.)

[pleinedelavie]

a thought exercise (of sorts)

I think a lot of y'all can probably relate to a feeling of discomfort with the popular/Christian model of the afterlife in which people who live in a certain, very specific way are going to go to heaven and all others will end up in hell. The popularity of The Good Place, which interrogates and criticizes this concept, is a testament to this. So let's run with that. (This is a long post and frankly also a bit of a rant but I promise I have a point, please bear with me.)

At least for Americans, we live in a society that buys into this idea pretty wholesale. Almost everyone probably knows some people who are pretty religious, or at least has encountered someone telling them that eventually their sinful life will catch up with them, and they will be in hell. "Go to hell" (and variations thereupon) is a common phrase in our society and the concept shows up fairly often in popular media.

And I think most of us agree that while many of these examples are surface-level harmless, being endlessly confronted by the belief that you are doomed to some horrific end, that the ultimate culmination of existence is this idea that you find horrific, is pretty shitty.

So we start to push away from this idea, at least in our minds. Some of us might try to reinterpret these concepts, mentally redefine how this afterlife works in order to make it line up better with what we're comfortable with. Of course there are lots of other religions and philosophies with different interpretations of the afterlife that give alternative possibilities for what the point of our lives is.

And of course there's the other side, the final belief: maybe there is nothing after this. Some people find a certain comfort or at least logic in the lack of some final reward or punishment for earthly behavior. They don't need that promise of ‘life everlasting’ in order to find life fulfilling, because there's a lot to live for on this earth.

My belief, at least, is that there's nothing wrong with any of this, and if you don't agree you may want to stop reading because you probably won’t connect super well to the point of this post. (Yes, there’s a point, remember? Eventually.)

As mentioned before, the hyperchristianity of American society and culture (at least, I can’t speak to other places) means that anyone trying to stand apart in this matter experiences a lot of pushback, some subtle and some not. There's a view that those who try to reinterpret Christian ideals are doing it wrong, fundamentally violating the faith in an unacceptable fashion. And of course xenophobia is rampant, and those who believe in other religions or none at all are seen as somehow less moral-- and thus, implicitly, less human.

And on the other side... I imagine even those who have made some peace with the idea of no afterlife find the concept of that final end, of simply ceasing to exist, a little scary; personally I think it's terrifying, and I would guess based on  the concept of existential crises that this feeling is pretty common. Especially from a cultural context that's incredibly individualistic, probably because of the values from the same Christian obsession that brings us hell, there's a huge subconscious urge to fear that if we truly are gone when we are dead, that nothing we did had meaning in the first place.

Nevertheless, we believe what we believe, and while we can explore different paths I think that we don't really have a choice in what finally makes sense to us. So we walk that razor edge between the rather oppressive-sounding end society claims we are destined for, and the hysterical alternative it presents to make that end seem like the better option.

Now, maybe I'm just stretching out on a limb here, maybe I have been this entire time, but in my opinion, that description doesn't sound too different from the experience of being aromantic in modern society. To review:

We live in a culture that aggressively promotes something as a fundamental purpose of the human experience that we find repulsive or at least not especially attractive: romance

This concept shows up everywhere, almost ubiquitously present in music and fiction, seeping into language and pretty much omnipresent in public consciousness. We're often presented with the idea that even those who dislike or avoid romantic love are eventually doomed to it, with imagery like cupid literally shooting people with arrows actually considered charming (???), or the tradition of kissing under mistletoe getting brought up whenever two people who look like they might be a ‘good couple’ are vaguely near any hanging plant at a christmas party, or the trope of the aggressive matchmaker friends

The relentless push of this, the insistence that we *will* end up in a romantic relationship or at least experience simply as a result of being human, really sucks for aromantic people. It's upsetting for us to be confronted with it constantly with essentially no warning when we're just out here trying to have a good time. We feel attacked. (I'm using old meme language because this post is depressing to write and I needed to lighten up a little for my own sake, but I'm also 100% serious, it really does feel like an attack sometimes.)

We try to find our own way to be happy, some exploring romantic relationships despite not feeling attraction, or trying to seek fulfillment through different types of relationships such as QPRs, close friendships, family etc.

Some people aren’t looking for that sort of life-defining relationship; they genuinely feel fulfilled by other aspects of life.

(All of these approaches are okay and if you don’t agree kindly fuck off.)

We get a FUCKTON of pushback for this. Aros who come out to their romantic partners are often automatically dumped because they’re perceived as unable to hold up their end of the relationship; even if they genuinely love their SO, they're by default perceived to be 'doing it wrong'. This is especially relevant when the aros has certain boundaries because of their identity (or if they happen to also be ace, though that’s not necessary for this to happen), which to a lot of people makes their relationships fundamentally inferior to a relationship between non aromantic people.

The fucking insistence that *love makes us human uwu* means that those who choose not to participate in romance, or in any sort of life-encompassing interpersonal relationship, are seen as somehow less capable of being fully fulfilled or even just... Less human. If you don’t think this is true I want you to take a good hard look at how many aro/aro-coded characters in media are robots, aliens, villains, young children, or other groups not treated as fully human by the narrative. (I’m reblogging with links to articles about this because that’s apparently the only way to get tumblr to let it show up in the tag. There’s also an interesting movement called voidpunk which i think originated in the aro community that afaik is a response to this dehumanization)

This pervasive cultural drive toward romance also manifests as a sort of... I want to say internalized arophobia, let me know if that's appropriative since it is based off terms used by other groups. I, and probably a lot of other aros regardless of how genuinely proud we also feel, do have a fear that being without romantic connection will leave us unhappy, or worse that we are somehow broken. This feeling is terrifying and it sucks, and the fact that it’s reinforced and probably created by our amatonormative society means that there needs to be a change.

Finally, we are who we are. I'm pretty sure its not a challenging opinion anymore to say that you can't choose who you love, and that means aros are just as valid as any other identity. So I'll restate: we're stuck in a society that says either that who we are is impossible and we're going to end up somewhere we don’t want to be, or that who we are is horrible and will leave us fundamentally unhappy.

(If parts of this sound combative or frustrated, that’s because I am. We are. Sometimes, even often, it feels like society hates the very concept of aromantic people, and most others it feels like we’re just invisible. I personally don’t have the courage to talk about this in real life but all of the frustration has to go somewhere, so...)

I hope that this post helps you relate a little better to the problems that aros face. This post is partially meant for aspec people who want something to relate to, so I'd be really happy if other aros and aspec people weigh in, even/especially if its to point out the places where I'm overgeneralizing or just plain wrong. I'm not any kind of expert on this, it's obviously just my thoughts.

This is even more important because I'd also hope that this gets to non-aspecs and gives you some insight into our experiences with amatonormativity, because we are a pretty small community and if the world is going to get safer for us we need your help. If this post makes sense to you, please share it, because people need to hear it.

I don’t have a solution to the problems presented here, though the staples of this kind of thing are important: include aspecs, in your fiction and your discussions. think before you say something that might erase or dehumanize us, and if an aspec person tells you something you said was hurtful to them, listen. don’t constantly push romance onto people. (specifically @ some allo aces, many/most of you are fine but you know who you are, don’t put romantic stuff in our tags please god why). more generally, it would be really cool to start tagging things as romance or romance mention because some of us are romance repulsed and don’t want to be surprised by that stuff.

(Finally, because this post does talk a lot about religion, I do want to mention that I don’t mean to trivialize or take away from what religious minorities face, or say that our problems are one to one identical. Please let me know if some part of this is offensive because that's not my intention at all.)

TLDR: Since people seem to have trouble understanding how alienated aspec people feel in a society whose values are fundamentally hostile to our existence, here’s an example that might be more relatable.