#relapse doesn't mean you're bad

[uncanny-tranny]

We need to stop stigmatized relapses in recovery. We need to stop shaming those who have or are currently relapsed. It is a normal part of recovery to go back to the behaviour at times, and I'm sick of the idea that "relapse means you aren't recovering."

Relapsing can reinforce somebody's will to recovery. Relapsing can teach a person what they want from recovery. It can be a vital tool, and honestly, shaming somebody who is already down is fucking cruel and disgusting. The last thing they need is other people shaming them and being cruel - they might already be beating themself up over a relapse. Be kind to them. They are a person, they are worthy of kindness.

[dotster001]

Hello! I really liked your fanfic about mistletoe and I would like to submit my application. Can you write what type of girl the characters in the twisted wonderland like?

What Kind of Girl they Like

Summary: Fem! Reader What girl the twisted wonderland boys say they will fall for, versus who they will be attracted to.

CW: Fem! Reader, some of the boys are assholes with their answers, it's explained away in the who they end up with section, so take it with a grain of salt, also these are just my opinions. If you don't agree that's ok!

A/n:it is truly humbling how few of these I actually fit the description of 😭 also, feel free to send in an ask if you want the staff and non nrc boys, or a masc. Reader version (there are some differences for some of them for a male lover)

Masc Version gn! Version

Heartslaybul 

Ace Trappola

What he says

"I dunno, she'd have a great bod and make me sandwiches. Kidding! Sevens, don't glare at me like that, I was just messing with ya! She's probably smart, and sweet as sugar, and let's me get into trouble. And a great bod wouldn't hurt- hey don't throw stuff at me!"

Who he ends up with

Ace is going to be naturally attracted to a girl he can "bring out the worst in."  She probably starts out shy and quiet, then Ace adopts her into his friend group, and now they are sassing each other back and forth. She calls him out on his bullshit, and fights against his teasing with teasing of her own. But she also takes care of him when he's down. He's hiding a lot of insecurity under his cool guy exterior, so if she lets him snuggle, and lets him whine, and then whispers how much she loves him, he'll be a happy man. Also, side note, he's fine if you like sports, but if you know nothing about basketball, it means he gets to look really good when you come to his games. Just saying….

Deuce Spade

What he says

"Huh, I've never really thought about it. Um, I guess she's nice and funny, and isn't scared of my past. I'd also want her to be a little like you, Y/N….not that I like you! Well, I like you, not like like you, shit I'm sorry! This isn't sounding any better…"

Who he ends up with

He really means it when he says he wants someone like you. You're one of his first friends, and, in his mind, the person you date/marry should be your best friend. But if it's not you he ends up with, he will probably be attracted to a girl who's book smart, but less street smart. A little "dumb" like him, in a cute kind of way. He likes a cuddler, and maybe a girl who is shorter than him so that he can feel like he's swallowing her whole when he wraps his arms around her. Also, someone who encourages him and helps him with his homework/paperwork. 

Riddle Rosehearts

What he says

"I don't have time for a relationship right now….but I think I want someone well behaved who follows the rules- what are you smirking at? Just because you're a rule breaker doesn't mean every girl is. I'd also like her to be in the medical profession. You know, someone who works the same profession as me so we have similar interests."

Who he ends up with

As much as he hates to admit it…he's attracted to rule breakers. Not as bad as Ace obviously, he's not trying to go gray early. But if she says something like "let's have a non herbal tea" when it's time for only herbal tea…damn what a rush. By the time he gets serious with someone, he'll be confident enough in himself to cut ties with his mother, so she has to be strong willed, and willing to live off of a low budget for a while.  He'll need someone understanding, who knows he'll have relapses and be too much and too angry sometimes, and she has to be understanding of that, and encouraging of improvement, or he'll live with guilt for the rest of his life. 

Trey Clover

What he says

"Someone who's willing to settle down and grow fat and old with me. You're laughing, but I'm going to be running my parents bakery, and feeding people is my love language. Speaking of, you better finish off that slice of cake before the others steal it."

Who he ends up with

Trey isn't that picky. He really means it when he says he wants someone to get old and fat with. That's his dream. Running a bakery with his wife by his side, and growing old together as your own kids grow up and bring home their own spouses. But he also wants a girl he can blindside with his sadistic side. Someone who'll enjoy that side of him, but also someone who easily forgets it's there. It makes things more fun for him.

Cater Diamond

What he says

"Ha ha someone trendy and totes hot. Someone totally cammable. Aw, are you jealous? Don't worry, you'll always be my fave girlie, even if you're not the girl I love."

Who he ends up with

Cater wants someone who won't disappear when he looks away. Yes, if she's "cammable" that's the first thing he's looking for, but when all is said and done, if she seems like she's going to be flaky, he won't take it too seriously either, as a defense mechanism. He needs a girl with mental endurance, because he's going to spend the beginning of the relationship trying to scare her off. Not that he wants to, he just needs to know he won't be left alone like he usually is. He is going to be attracted to a girl who humors his trends and magicam addiction, but who also sees through him. Someone balanced.  She sees the real Cay Cay, but she's also willing to be his "trophy wife" online.

Savannaclaw

Jack Howl

What he says

"Oh, I uh, well someone who can keep up on a run with me I guess…"

Who he ends up with

Jack says he wants someone who can work out with him. And he would really be happy if he had a girl who was as active as him…but he'd also be happy with a curvy girl. He gets blushy thinking about holding someone soft and plush against his firm muscles. But he's flexible. In the end he won't choose his future wife based on appearance and activity. Wolf beastmen mate for life, so the main thing he is looking for is loyalty. Loyalty, and someone who would want to raise lots of kids with him. As long as you have those two traits, nothing else really matters to him.

Ruggie Bucchi

What he says

"Girlfriends are expensive, shihihi. Tell you what, you find me a lady with sticky fingers, and we'll eat the rich together."

Who he ends up with

This is a deflection. Ruggie loves the idea of a busy business wife, while he is a trophy househusband, cooking and cleaning for his high powered  lady. He wants a strong woman who will scratch his ears and tell him he did such a good job! Then he'll draw her a bath, and massage her feet as she tells him about her day, then they'll snuggle and make out until they fall asleep…that's the dream anyway. He can be a little worker bee until you rise through the ranks, which you will, Ruggie has absolute faith in you. You guys can rob people early on if you have to. In short…Ruggie wants a dommish woman who will call him a good boy and keep him well fed.

Leona Kingscholar

What he says

"Body pillow"

"That's not-"

"Body pillow"

Who he ends up with

He's going to be attracted to a strong woman who whips his ass into shape. Someone who says, "Hey bitch, you're going to therapy, cause I love you and want you to be happy!" And then she actually makes him go. And when he does go, she rewards him with snuggles, and soft kisses. He wants a woman who's never scared of him, who's self assured, and is certain and vocal about her feelings for him.

Also, she has to accept that nighttime is when she's a body pillow. That's an absolute must.

Octavinelle

Azul Ashengrotto

What he says

"Why do you wish to know? Are you attempting to reach my standards? Ha ha, let's see. A woman who is ethereal, who is willing to dress stunningly, and sit in my lap when I make deals, so that competitors can see what a high value man I am."

Who he ends up with

If that didn't make you want to throw up 🤢. He'll be attracted to someone who makes him feel beautiful in subtle ways. He knows how easy it is to spin a verbal web of lies. But there's some things you can't fake. Like allowing someone to rest on your lap, and caressing their hair. Or squeezing someone's hand gently when you have to let go. Or pressing a kiss to someone's cheek after you help them straighten their outfit. It's the soft romantic moments that'll speak to Azul when he finds his love. Aside from that, he's not looking for anything in particular. Just someone who makes him feel loved and beautiful.

Jade Leech

What he says

"Fu fu who's to say? Perhaps you are the woman of my dreams. Or not."

Who he ends up with

She's a woman who can see through him. She's someone who never compares him or confuses him for his twin. She's smart. Very smart. She eats his mushrooms and goes on hikes with him. She is patient with Floyd. What Jade is looking for….is female Jade. Someone like that is the only one who can truly keep up with him.

Floyd Leech

What he says

"Aw Shrimpy! Are you worried? Don't worry, whoever she is, I'll still squeeze ya!"

Who he ends up with

He's looking for someone fun. That's his only criteria. At least that's what he says. He can't be sure if he loves her because she's fun, or if she's fun because he loves her. In that sense, it's sort of a soulmate situation for Floyd. Whatever will be will be. He'll just know. 

…

…

…

Also she has to be squeezable. 

Scarabia

Kalim al Asim

What he says

"I love everybody!"

"But-"

"Have some of this ice cream, it's amazing!"

Who he ends up with

He wants someone he can spoil, but he doesn't know that. It's something in his subconscious. He doesn't want things in exchange either. So she has to be someone who is okay with being spoiled, and doesn't feel guilty about it. He's going to be attracted to someone who loves life like him, but also helps to keep him grounded. And if she has a spark of danger in her, oh man, he'll be simping so hard. 

Jamil Viper

What he says

"I'm not going to even think about it until my freedom is assured. Kalim has promised, but it would be irresponsible to force someone into servitude with me."

Who he ends up with

Jamil is going to be attracted to a hard worker. Someone who's dedicated, and slightly serious. He's also looking for a girl who will see how hard he works, and pampers him from time to time. He's never been in charge of anything, so he likes being the boss of the household. Not that he doesn't see her as an equal! On the contrary, he wants his marriage to be a partnership. But the idea of having somewhere where he is king is definitely something he likes. She can rule the house from as well. They can split the time they rule over the household. They'll take turns being served and pampered.

Pomefiore

Epel Felmier

What he says

"Um, she knows I'm the boss. Wait, that came out misogynistic, sorry I jus mean she knows I'm manly and can support her an all that."

Who he ends up with

He says he wants a cutsie tiny housewife, so that he can be the manly man at the manliest job for mans. He really will be attracted to any girl who doesn't doubt his masculinity, nor call him cute. Someone who tells him that they feel safe and secure with him. He says he wants a short wife. But he's fine with any size or shape as long as she sees him as someone who can care for her. 

Rook Hunt

What he says

"Mademoiselle trickster, I can find beauty in every woman."

Who he ends up with

What he says is actually true. He can and will fall in love with every kind of woman. It's hard to say who he will tie himself to, in the end. It'll be someone who he heavily bonds with and imprints on. It's a lot like with Floyd. Essentially a soulmate situation.

Vil Schoenheit

What he says

"Hm. Why do you want to know, potato? I suppose she's professional, and beautiful, and cares about her image enough that she doesn't cause a scandal."

Who he ends up with

The thing about Vil is, he's not that far off from Rook in his take on beauty. He doesn't so much believe in conventional beauty, or societal beauty standards. He knows everyone has an individual definition of health and beauty. When he says he's looking for a beautiful woman, he's looking for someone who's willing to reach her full potential. Or, more accurately, to allow him to help her reach her full potential. Vil never admits it, but he adores pampering and styling people. His love language is helping people look their best. So if she's someone who knows herself enough to know what style she likes, he'll appreciate it, and take up the mantle of doing the hard work, ie making outfits, styling hair and makeup, formulating skin care etc. TLDR, he wants a confident self possessed woman he can dress like a doll, and show off.

Ignihyde

Idia Shroud

What he says

"-------------" mutes ipad.

In his head, he doesn't think any woman would ever love him. But his dream woman is a sexy anime cat girl.

Who he ends up with

What he'll be attracted to is someone who is patient, speaks at a reasonable volume, and is assertive enough to make him leave his room. Essentially, winning Idia's heart is a siege. You'll have to starve him out. That's the patience bit. The reasonable volume comes from him being easily scared by loud noises. Assertive enough to make him leave his room…well that speaks for itself. He wants to believe he can be part of the outside world, and the girl he will fall for will be willing to show it to him.

Diasomnia

Sebek Zigvolt

What he says

"She is someone of noble bearing, who shall help me defend my liege!"

Who he ends up with

He'll fall for a woman who is stronger, mentally, physically, etc., than him. A woman who can put him in his place. A woman who speaks, and it makes him shut up, and sit pretty. She's assertive, and can come off as abrasive to others but to Sebek? Sevens, he'd die for a smidgen of her affection.

Silver

What he says

"I don't think it's worth it to try and define the girl I'll fall in love with. There are so many wonderful women, and my father always told me that love is the greatest mystery in this world. Who's to say who I'll fall in love with?"

Who he ends up with

Silver will fall for someone soft. The entire romance will be soft. Soft caresses in the moonlight. Soft kisses in the morning. Soft fingers gently intertwining.  She'll be empathetic about his sleep condition, never blaming him since it's not his fault. She'll be gentle with his animal friends. She'll be sweet and kind and the very image of a Disney Princess. I'm picturing Aurora, actually. How ironic.

Lilia Vanrouge

What he says

"Fu Fu Fu wouldn't you like to know."

Who he ends up with

Lilia can and has fallen for every kind of woman. He's lived a long time. He's had the time to romance lots of women.  What he'd probably fall for in this stage of his life, is someone he can tease, and play around with, but who is also ready to settle down a little bit. Someone who enjoys the little things in life. He's getting a little old. He wants to build onto his family that he already has. Silver can stand to have three or ten more siblings, right?

Malleus Draconia

What he says

"You."

Who he ends up with

You.

....

Tag list-@shytastemakerthing @stygianoir @leonia0 @lleoll @eccedentesiast-sapphic

[compassionatereminders]

Even if you fall back into a bad habit, that never means that you're back to square one. If you avoid relapsing for three weeks and then relapse, then that's still three weeks of success where you learned a lot about healthy coping. And if next time you relapse after two weeks, then that's still five weeks of progress altogether! And what you learned doesn't evaporate just because there was a week in between where you didn't manage to keep it up. It still counts. Every healthy choice counts and teaches you something, even when interspersed with relapses.

[curvykittyyssmutfics]

pussyeater!Satoru

A/N: okay, after finding these pics online and rewatching this scene, I'm absolutely convinced the jjk animators/artists wanted me to write this. 😆😆

pussyeater!Satoru can't stop thinkin about you. Nah, not since you gave him a taste of the sweet cream between your thighs. For fuck sakes, it had already been a month since the faculty New Year's Eve party but here he sits at work, daring anyone to interrupt him replaying the precious memory in his mind. Drinks were bountiful that evening, him even sneaking you guys an edible to split. Satoru thinks you probably don't even remember it the way he does: locked away in a tiny utility closet laying 69 style, knees on either side of his head. Tiny dress pulled up to your neck while you repeatedly pushing down on the tongue invading your insides. Your pretty red manicured fingers hold tight at his legs, mouthin at his cock incessantly. "Satoruuu! Oh baby, you're so good to me! Don't stop, need to cum so bad. Need you to make me cum soooo bad. Need you Toru!" He listens to how you moan his name just like in his dreams, the pitch of them so appealing to his steely dick. Fuck, he came twice, practically untouched, before you finally squirt in his mouth. "Ew.. Dude, take 5." Todo tells him, snapping Satoru outta his favorite daydream and back into the present. He's looking at Satoru's lap with absolute disgust, bout ready to sound off with another snarky comment but doesn't get a chance."Fuck off!" The response laced with so much venom and energy that Todo's actually knocked on his ass as Satoru brushes past him angrily.

pussyeater!Satoru doesn't understand why everytime he talks, you never make eye contact with him anymore. Really thought he'd have more access to you and your pretty lil pussy by now. He openly observes your frame as you stretch after a mission, wondering why things have changed. So different from how you affectionately gazed at him while he drank from your cunt, tugging at his hair and begging for more. Thinks you might actually have the fountain of youth between your legs; that he might seriously relapse if he doesn't get another dose. Fuck it, now or never. "Hey y/n, wanna grab somethin you eat?" He doesn't mean to lick his lips, honest! "With you?" Why the fuck are you so shocked? Makes his cute ass actually pout a bit. "Uh, yeah." "Alone?" Okay, nows he's a bit miffed. "Problem with that?" "Ummm.." You're looking at the exit, wondering how fast Satoru Gojo can run. He notices, not liking it one bit. Shit, he'd most definitely catch you. You're so embarrassed from the 'New Years incident', can't understand why the man wont let you cease to exist in peace. "Don't worry, y/n. Just food this time." He holds his arm out to you, smiling wide. His perfect white teeth make an appearance as he tries to ease your worries. Kinda works, your shoulders dropping their tense disposition as your pretty y/e/c eyes finally meet his. "K-kay Toru. Where to?" Oh he knows just the place, mouth already watering at the thought of what he was about to do to you..

pussyeater!Satoru is a fuckin liar; lied straight through his teeth. And now he's lyin underneath you, easily holding your trembling body in place ontop his upper chest. You're face down in his pillows, ass up naked as fuck, trying to peel his lips from your clit. He didn't bother taking off a single piece of clothing himself. Additionally, he'd already made you cum explosively but refused to stop. Satoru started off his attack with you on your back, his long fingers grippin your thighs firmly to pin you in place. Another mistake of your eyes darting to his bedroom door had him switching to your current position, frantically trying to inhale your saturated pussy. "T-toru, stoooop! Can't take anymore, need a break.." You whine at him for what must be the gazillionth time, but he answers the same way he did previously. "Uh mm." Not more than a nonchalant hum. The volume of your keens go up a notch as he shakes his head left to right, heinously slurping at you. You're so sensitive from your earlier orgasm and don't know why he's treating you this way. "Whyyyy Satoru- ohfuck! Too good.. Please, whatever you want.. Do anything, please!" Now that got his attention. His dick is so fuckin hard and he's not sure how much longer he can keep from cumming when you talk to him like this. He pops off your clit and stares up at you, lower face soiled with your juices. "Anything? Do anything for me, princess? You promise?" He slowly licks your essence from his lips, eyes closing briefly in bliss at your taste. "Y-yes." Why does he think you can do a damn thing when you can't even breathe? "Quit keepin my fuckin pussy from me and I'll think about it." Swollen lips reattach to your poor abused clit, making you squeal as your thighs squeeze the sides of his head; the most perfect pillowy earmuffs in Satoru's opinion. Fuckin guy doesn't quit till you gush. Every-fucking-where. You're literally raining down on him and it's everything he's ever wanted from life. Wish he could record how you drench his sheets, shirt and pillows. His cock won't stop twitching, the sensitive tip beating against his jeans. His nasty ass watches on, ego swelling as he holds his tongue out to savor you. Literally busts his nut to the feeling and taste of you drippin into his mouth.

"Mmm.. Taste so fuckin good. Thank you, baby."

[effloradox]

I love Taylor swift and twilight! Ur blog is perfection 💜! Do you mind doing more jasper fan fics!

thank you so much, you're so sweet 🥺

Jasper doesn't like to talk about his past. Conversions about his history are reserved for late night whispers, when it's just the two of you in the safe haven of your room. It's not something you hold against him, you can't judge him for something he did over a hundred years ago in bad faith, but you know he feels resentment for the person he used to be. You know how much he struggles with controlling his thirst, and it’s still not the easiest thing for you to deal with.

The problem with introducing a human into a house full of vampires is that it had the potentially to go fatally wrong. Control is something that all your coven take very seriously, it's the only way you can continue to exist amongst humans after all. Everyone knows that it's you and Jasper that have the hardest time controlling yourselves around blood, it’s not exactly a secret. It never fails to astound you the sheer amount of control that Carlisle exhibits on a daily basis in his job. You're getting better with controlling your urges, and you haven't relapsed for a while but introducing a clumsy human into the house felt like a disaster waiting to happen.

In a way you blame Edward. Your emotions towards your adoptive brother are complicated even on a good day, but the idea of him bringing his human girlfriend into the house for her birthday felt like a terrible idea from the offset. Part of you had hoped Alice would have some dramatic vision that would mean you could call the whole thing off but all she'd seen was an admittedly nice vision of Bella blowing out the candles on her birthday cake surrounded by all of you.

It seemed Edward had forgotten how unbelievably accident prone his new girlfriend was though. An unforgivable oversight on his part, one you'll definitely be calling him out on later. You'd turned your back on the birthday girl for a second, just to look over to where Alice and Esme were putting the finishing touches on the cake when you'd smelt it. The acrid coppery smell of blood hit your nose instantly and every fibre of your being is drawn towards it like a forbidden siren call. Your sisters had moved to your side in an instant, only partially caging you against the kitchen counter you'd been leaning on. It's hard trying to centre yourself and not give into the urges, and it's only what's taking place on the other side of the kitchen that really brings you back to yourself.

Jasper is looking much worse for wear. His senses have honed in on Bella and all of you can tell he's only seconds away from pouncing. Emmett and Edward have their arms around him in an instant, stopping him from beelining towards the injured human but it's clear he's putting up enough of a fight that they'll struggle to restrain him for a long time. You're in front of him in the time it takes Bella to blink, your hands cupping his face gently to keep his eyes on you. Edward had pushed her towards the wall as soon as he'd heard Jasper's thoughts so she's not as close as she was, meaning she only hears fragments of what you're saying to him.

"Hey, hey, Jas it's okay. It's okay. It's just a little blood. Look at me, it's okay yeah?" Your words seem to be having some effect but Bella notes that Emmett and Edward still haven't let Jasper out of their grip. Carlisle appears by her side and she's vaguely aware that he's speaking to her but her eyes are still trained on you and Jasper. Your words seem to be having some kind of effect on him and it sends a small pang through her chest that you have the ability to calm Jasper down even in the face of the strongest temptation when Edward sometime can’t even look at her as a result of his urges.

Her eyes are still trained on the two of you as Esme leads her out of the room to go and find the first aid kit. The last thing she sees is Edward and Emmett letting Jasper go as he collapses in your arms almost bonelessly. His arms wrap around your waist as his head rests on your shoulder, giving you ample chance to press a chaste kiss to the crown of his head.

[jewbeloved]

can i pls req a main 4 x reader who doesn't talk cuz of an traumatic experience. Like they can hear but they just don't talk.

Team Stan with a non talkative s/o🎂🎂

Warnings: Mentions of traumatic experience or past

Gender: Neutral

💙💚 The Main Four ❤️🧡

They normally find people who are quiet most of the time boring or they just ignore them, but they are interested in learning why you're so quiet.

They're gonna be asking you quite a lot of questions (mostly Cartman), they will stop once they realize they're making you uncomfortable.

They also sometimes kinda forget you were even there tbh, because of how quiet you're being at the moment.

They will get reminded that you're still here when one of them mentions you. I guess you were a little too quiet that they didn't realize that you're also paying attention and hearing perfectly well on what they're saying. (Oof ouch...😢)

When they realize that you don't talk because of a traumatic experience that you had. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny immediately felt guilty for assuming a little too much out of you. Cartman didn't show any signs of him feeling guilty, but that doesn't mean he can't feel bad for you.

They would apologize to you nonstop even If you have to keep reminding them that it isn't their fault-

If you start to talk again when you are only alone with them in private, they would be surprised but happy at the same time knowing that you're more comfortable around them.

They will cuddle and comfort you If you're about to relapse or panic from the flashbacks of your traumatic experience. Just letting you know that they will always be there for you🧡❤️💚💙

It's a special day for me tomorrow, can you guess? 😏

Don't cheat by looking at meh pfp and blog banner >:C

[growandrecover]

positive & neutral affirmations for ed recovery pt. 2 

pt. 1 here

Neutral:

my recovery body may be different than I'm used to, but it's taking care of me

I deserve a life that does not revolve around my ed and ed behaviors

I deserve to have neutrality with food

I deserve to have body neutrality

I'm not content with my body yet, and that's okay

I'm content with my body, and that's okay

I am making good strides

relapsing does not take away the progress I have made

having a bad body image day/week/month/year does not mean my recovery isn't valid

my experience with my ed is valid, no matter what my life looked like at the time (or looks like)

my body takes care of me and loves me

missing my ed does not mean I'm failing at recovery

I am taking it day by day and I'm proud of myself

it's okay to be proud of myself for doing well

I'm going to be okay

I deserve good things

my body needs food

my body deserves all the nutrients it needs

Positive:

my recovery body may look different than it ever has before, but it's beautiful and deserving of love

I deserve to have food freedom

I deserve to experience body positivity

I like my body

I love my body

no matter what weight/size I am, I'm gorgeous/handsome none the less

relapsing doesn't take away the progress I've made in my recovery

having a bad body image day/week/month/year does not mean my recovery is valid

my experience with my ed is valid, no matter what my life looked like at the time (or looks like)

my body loves me and takes care of me, no matter what

I'm doing well and I'm proud of myself

there is no size limit on beauty

I'll make it out of this

I deserve to eat when I'm hungry

I deserve a good, well rounded life

I can eat food I love

I can wear the clothes I want

I'm confident (or I can learn to be)

For all:

No one deserves an eating disorder (if you're thinking yes, you don't!!)

I deserve happiness

I deserve recovery

my ed is not part of my identity

it does not define me

It's going to be okay

I'll make it out of this

I deserve to live

I can face my fear foods

I am strong enough to make it through my ed

if you need help, please feel free to message me or send an ask <3

[borderlinereminders]

People seem to be being quite critical today. The thing about recovery is it's not linear, you can be in recovery and do better for a long time, and then have a bad day that makes you feel like you've fallen off track, but that's not putting you back to square one.

You've still made progress, you've still learned how to cope better, and you can come back from a bad day and get back on track. There's always a point to recovery, but you can't expect to be perfect and 100% recovered permanently forever, relapses happen, but that doesn't mean you're not in recovery from BPD.

You're doing great.

Thanks anon!

I think part of my recovery too is a bad day doesn’t feel off track to me anymore! I see my progress and recovery in how I handle the bad days so I just accept it as a bad day and move on. And that also feels so nice.

[eddiemunsonswhxre]

comfort & lovin / eddie munson

masterlist

one shot

cw: sadness, thoughts/mentions of self harm and suicide, eddie making you feel better

yeah so my depression is acting up so really i just wrote this for myself, so uh yeah. if you don't like it, simply i don't care. also, if you don't like something that someone writes then whatever, but you don't need to leave rude comments about it.

--

i want to start with this (fic will begin after the cut):

when in recovery, not everyday can be a good day. this applies to many things such as addiction, healing after a surgery or accident, or dealing with trauma. just because bad days happen, doesn't mean you're not making progress.

going from looking in the mirror everyday and hating how you look to trying to love yourself was hard. and that was only a part of the struggle. because it's never just one thing, is it? yeah, maybe you hate how you look. but maybe you also hate how you think, feel, or even exist. and even though you're doing better and feeling more like a person and not a shell of one, tough days still come. and these days suck.

they suck because they pull you into a a whirlwind of thoughts ranging from am i relapsing to will i always feel this way? they suck because people around you notice that you're off. they suck because you aren't yourself those days. and when people pick up on it, they always have something to say even if it's not of their business. of course someone checking in and seeing how you're doing doesn't have any malicious intent and on most days you know that. but when person after person asks it becomes annoying and you wanna do nothing other than scream. it's okay to feel like this, because so many other people do.

you hated those days when you woke up not feeling like you. and today was one of those days. it wasn't as terrible at the beginning of the day but everything that happened just made it worse and worse.

the second you got out of bed, you felt the familiar heaviness in the center of your chest. nothing happened to make it appear, but it was there and it wanted you to know. you cursed yourself, first wondering why this had to happen because you had been doing so good. your following thoughts surrounded your boyfriend, eddie. he knew about your past struggles with your depression but he wasn't around to experience them. and you really didn't want him to find out how you were feeling today.

so, you showered and put yourself in clothes that made it seem like you were doing good and were confident in yourself. but then you looked in the mirror. your eyes watered at the sight of your thighs peeking from underneath your skirt. and the shirt you'd chosen was too tight and showing off way too many rolls. so you changed.

it was just an outfit, no one should notice anything just because you were wearing jeans and an oversized sweater. eddie met you at your locker as he did every morning and you gave him a smile. but it didn't really reach your eyes.

eddie would be damned if he didn't catch every little thing wrong with you. he devoted most of his time to staring at you and studying our face, therefore he knew what expressions were genuine and which were not. "what's wrong, babydoll?" he asked, concern taking over his features.

were you really that bad at faking it? "nothing, babe. just didn't get much sleep," you shrug, lying to him. you give him a quick kiss and he knows better than to push just yet. because maybe you really were just tired, he'd have to wait until later to find out.

then in second period, robin wouldn't stop bothering you over what was up no matter how many times you dismissed her. you ended up excusing yourself to the bathroom to cry in frustration at yourself. you hated when people asked about you because it meant you were inconveniencing them. you were making it so obvious that you weren't okay that you were disrupting others and it made you angry with yourself.

your mind continued to spiral without your permission and you lost control during lunch.

"y/n, you doing okay?" dustin asked from his seat across from you. you glanced up from your lunch that you weren't eating and noticed the groups eyes were on you.

you scanned everyone, eyes catching on eddie's concerned ones. "yeah, i'm fine. thanks though, dusty," you replied with a fake smile.

the table wasn't buying it. "you sure? you look pretty... not okay today?" mike wheeler pushed and you let out a small breath. were you that hard at hiding your feelings that little freshmen were noticing? god, how emotionally fucked could you be?

you chewed on the bottom of your lip as you nodded. "yep, just uh... stomach problems," you shrugged, trying to pass it off. eddie's eyes narrowed, he could see right through your lies.

"i thought you said you were tired. i didn't know you were feeling sick," eddie said with compassion, reaching out to rest his hand on your arm.

you sucked your lips into your mouth, cursing yourself for not sticking with one lie. "well, it's a bit of both, i guess. this morning i was more tired, now my stomach hurts more," you explain, trying to end the conversation.

gareth leans over to look at you from his place on the other side of jeff. "you sure? you know you can tell us if you're sad or something," he says, concern written on his features.

"i'm fine," you mutter, looking back down at your food.

jeff nudges you slightly to get you to look up. "we can tell somethings wrong," he says, trying to get you to open up.

you huffed, feeling your emotions start to go wild. would you scream or would you cry first? "i said i'm fine," you spoke lowly, causing everyone to look at you.

"y/n," eddie says, grabbing your attention from the rest.

"what?" you snap, watching eddie recoil before his mind starts turning.

he knew something was upsetting you for sure now. "let's go talk," he said in a softer tone, nodding towards the hallway.

you knew he was trying to be a good boyfriend and trying to make sure you were okay but it sucked when you didn't want to seem like you were upset. especially when you couldn't explain what was wrong. "i don't need to talk. i'm. fine." you say angrily, nostrils flared.

eddie felt a pang in his heart. why wouldn't you talk to him? in true eddie fashion, he wasn't going to give up on this. "don't lie to me. c'mon, just for a minute," he suggests, trying to grab your hand.

stupidly, you yank it away. "no, we don't need to. i'm fine, everything is fine," you say, voice raising.

"y/n, everyone can tell you're not fine," dustin speaks causing you to glare at him. you grunt in annoyance, shoving your tray away from you and standing up.

"can't you guys just fuck off?" you retort before turning and speed walking your way towards the bathrooms.

everyone watched you leave as eddie closed his eyes. what the fuck was going on? "shit," he mumbles before pushing up and running after you. "y/n- hey! y/n, just slow down," he calls after you, pushing past other students.

you only speed up as you feel the tears threaten to spill from your eyes. you ruined everyone's lunch. fuck, why couldn't you just be normal? now, they're all going to think you're dramatic and a bitch. maybe you were, maybe it's a good thing you did that because they'd finally realize they needed to get rid of you.

eddie wasn't able to reach you before you had bolted into the girls bathroom and he cursed. he sat there for a moment, fist on his forehead as he debated what he was about to do. fuck a detention, you were more than likely crying in there. "jesus h christ the things i'd do for you," he muttered to himself before slowly pushing the door open. "uh, if anyone else is in there uh... say something?" he said, shaking his head at himself and squeezing his eyes shut.

"eddie, please go away," you spoke from inside. he waited a moment for another voice but heard none. he slipped inside, glancing around carefully before sighing in relief that it was only you.

he walked up to the closed stall and pursed his lips before knocking on it. "open up?" he questioned playfully. normally, you would've laughed.

"i don't want to talk," you say, holding back from sobbing.

eddie frowns, looking down to his hands. "baby, i just want to know what's wrong," he says carefully.

you close your eyes, letting your head fall back against the stall door as tears leak from the corners of your eyes. "i'm okay, there's nothing wrong," you state, keeping your voice as steady as possible.

a sigh leaves eddie's lips as he thinks. "i know there is, y/n. you don't have to hide from me," he speaks carefully.

"i'm fine," you croak and eddie can tell now that you're crying.

he feels another pang hit him right in the heart and he wishes he could break down this door so he could hold you. "baby... you're crying," he says and you sniffle. "is it something i did? is that why you don't want to talk?" he asks, wondering if he should go find robin or shit even max to come in instead.

"no, oh god, no eddie, you didn't do anything," you say wiping tears away from your face. how shitty were you? making your boyfriend feel like he did something wrong when he'd done nothing but be perfect.

"then, please... tell me what's bothering you," he begs, hating that he couldn't help you.

you whimper, shaking your head. this was too much to deal with in the middle of the school day. "no, i-i can't," you shakily admit.

eddie closes his eyes, resting against the door. "why?" he asks, his own voice going a little hoarse. were you hiding something?

you let out a small sob before taking a few deep breaths. "not here, not at school. i-it's too much," you say honestly.

"so then you're gonna come home with me after," eddie says, not resting until he finds out.

you let out a sigh and then nod before remembering he can't see you. "okay," you whisper. "um, go back to lunch. i'm just gonna calm down and i'll meet you at your van after classes," you say after a moment.

"baby, i don't want to leave you when you're upset," he hums, twisting his ring.

you shake your head and let out a frustrated sigh. "please, all i'm gonna do is wait for my face to not be all red. plus this is the girls restroom," you add.

eddie scoffs. "like i give a fuck."

"eddie," you beg and he just sighs.

he hates this, but he knows you're not going to let up. "fine, i love you," he says, backing away from the stall door.

"i love you too," you mumble.

the rest of the day was... rough. you ignored almost everyone which wasn't really the greatest idea. because your thoughts just made you feel even worse about yourself. more ideas that flooded your mind became all too similar to those you had almost two years ago. the more you thought, the more you missed your old habits.

you hadn't used the small box of razors in your closet since... well since you got with eddie. he knew about your scars, he knew about your past. he made you promise that you'd never do it again and you did. how would he feel when you told him you missed it? you missed the sting and the small lines of blood. you missed the distraction from the mental pain. you hated how your hands were shaking, eyeing the handheld sharpener with its blade in your pencil bag. you were weak.

by the end of your last class, you felt like maybe you would be better dead. and you hated that. you made it to eddie's van and saw it was already running. he was waiting for you. you really didn't want to ruin his day or burden him with your thoughts, but you knew he'd be hurt if you kept it from him.

you opened the door to his van which grabbed his attention. he didn't give you a smile like usual, instead eyeing you with concern. it made you want to cry. you climbed into the seat and buckled yourself, staring straight ahead. "are we gonna talk about this?" eddie asks carefully, not wanting to upset you.

your lip quivers as you shake your head no. "can we wait until we get to yours?" you whisper, not wanting your voice to break. you see eddie nod from the corner of your eye and throw the van into reverse.

"give me your hand, baby," he says softly as he pulls out of the school parking lot. you place your hand in his awaiting one hesitantly and he squeezes it. the drive is silent aside from eddie's uncharacteristically quiet metal music playing through the speakers.

you stare out the window, wiping away the few tears with the sleeve of your shirt. eddie notices, but decides not to comment on it. the two of you remain silent as you get out of the van, make your way inside, and into eddie's room.

he sits on his bed, patting the spot next to him. you sit nervously, looking down to your hands as eddie stares at you expectantly. you try to hold it in but a hiccup of a sob leaves your lips and tears begin flowing down your cheeks. you look up at eddie for a moment before falling into his chest. "oh, sweetheart," he says, voice heartbroken as he tightly wraps you in his arms. he holds you to him, resting his lips on the top of your head. his hand rubs your upper arm comfortingly as you cry into him.

"i'm sorry," you cry into his chest. eddie shushes you, rocking you slightly in his arms. you shake your head, balling your fist into his shirt and crying harder.

eddie feels a little helpless, he didn't know what to do. "you have nothing to be sorry for, you're having a bad day, it's okay. we'll talk it through, i'm not mad," he tries reassuring you but you just shake your head again.

you force yourself out of his grip and grab your backpack. you can barely see through your tears as you dig out your pencil bag and throw it on his lap. he looks at you in confusion as you bury your face in your hands. he opens your pencil bag slowly, his heart dropping into his stomach when he sees the torn apart sharpener and freed blade laying on top.

he feels like he's going to throw up as tears fill his own eyes. he drops your pencil bag, scooting over to you quickly. "baby," he whispers softly, pulling your forearms carefully to get your face out of your hands. your face is completely red and your nose is stuffed up as tears stream down, dripping off your chin. he grabs your wrist, shaking as he drags up your sleeve. he does it to both wrists as you shake your head.

"i-i didn't," you cry, watching through the tears as eddie scans your wrists. he finds that all the marks were old scars and feels a relief wash over him. "i didn't but-but i was going to, i-i'm sorry," you sob shaking your head and feeling like a failure.

eddie shakes his head and pulls you back to him. "no, no, sweetheart. don't apologize. you didn't, right? that's what matters, you didn't. you're still strong, baby, you're still strong," he coos, his fingers tangling in your hair as he presses you to his chest.

you wrap your arms around him as tightly as you can. "i'm sorry for being snappy, i just didn't want you to know," you whimper into his chest.

"why not?" he asks carefully, rubbing your back.

you sniffle, squeezing your eyes shut. "i didn't want you to be disappointed in me," you admit.

eddie pulls you back to look into your eyes. "now, babydoll, why would i be disappointed?" he asks, using one hand to wipe away your tears.

"because i-i'm having all these thoughts again," you admit. eddie frowns, knowing what you meant by 'all these thoughts.'

he shakes his head, a tear traveling down his own cheek. "you think you aren't allowed bad days, y/n? sometimes things are gonna be hard and that's okay. i want you to tell me when you're having trouble because i want to be here and help you," he explains.

you hiccup, eyes full of sadness. "i don't want to be a bother," you whisper.

eddie feels his own lip quiver at your words. he leans forward, placing a kiss on your lips before resting his forehead to yours. "you will never be a bother to me. i love you, baby," he says and you feel more tears fall from your eyes.

"m'love you too," you mumble through your tears. eddie sighs, grabbing you and hauling the two of you towards the top of his bed. you lay on your sides, facing each other with your arms wrapped around one another. eddie holds you as close to him as he possibly can and kisses your head.

"you want me to sing to you?" he asks quietly, knowing how much you loved it. you nodded, pressing yourself as far into him as possible. he softly starts singing i love you by the climax blues band as he knows its one of your favorites.

and that's how you spend the rest of your day, getting reassurances from your wonderful boyfriend as he tries to make you feel like yourself once again.

[thefaefiction]

Skin. [Andy Biersack x Reader] [BVB]

PAIRING: Andy Biersack x Reader GENRE: Angst + fluff, comfort WARNINGS: Self harm references and themes SUMMARY: Andy comforts you after a depressive episode in which you relapse on self harm. Somehow, you're able to confide in him when things get bad.

A/N: this is super self indulgent, but i recognize that this isn't something i alone struggle with. i hope some others are able to find comfort in this piece as i did.

The good thing about Andy is that he doesn't try to tell me what I've heard already. He recognizes that telling me to stop wont work, and so he puts his efforts towards minimizing the harmful outcomes of my actions the best that he can.

And so, as the blood drips down my arms the way the tears roll down my cheeks, I silently scold myself and focus on Andy's hands. They work around my arm nimbly, wrapping it up in bandages and fastening it tightly to prevent it from slipping. My arm flinches at the final tug, stinging from the impact of the cloth to my cuts.

"Thank you," I whisper. I'm afraid if I speak any louder I'll burst into tears again.

"Of course," He speaks lowly, smiling at me. "Let's try to get some rest, yeah?"

I nod and stand up, following him into my bedroom. The room is lit dimly by a nightlight in the corner near my dresser, rain taps on the glass window above my bed and is softened by the wrestling of my duvet as we slip under the blankets. Sometimes I struggle to feel at home in this room, and yet Andy beside me makes me feel like I've reached heaven after longing for years in hell.

I lay on my side, one arm under his back and the other draped over his stomach. My head sits on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while his hand rubs my back. In the dark I can make out some of his tattoos on his free arm, tracing them lightly while I breath in his scent and let single, small, tears absorb into his black shirt.

I jump as a crash of thunder booms outside. Instantly Andy stiffens, and then takes a deep sigh when he realizes it's only mother nature. For someone who is dating a metal singer, I sure jump at the most insignificant of sounds. Sometimes I marvel in it, though, and I admire the beauty of being able to share such a quiet and intimate moment with someone who is often loud and active.

"Do you want to talk about it at all?" Andy says softly, caution in his voice. He never wants to overstep a line.

"Sometimes things just get too much," I say shakily. "It feels like the world is conspiring against me in every way possible."

I feel him nod. "I promise you that I'll be here to help ward off those things," He pauses. "Just know that when things start getting to this level I'm here for you." His hand runs up and down my spine, softly caressing my skin.

"Thank you," I whisper. "You mean a lot to me Andy."

He bends his head down and places his lips to my head. "You mean the world to me, Y/n." He kisses my hair, tightening his grip on me. "The sun, moon, and all of the stars."

"E.e Cummings," I comment on the quote.

He laughs, my head bouncing with his chest. "Get some sleep,"

I smile, holding Andy tightly. Right now, the events of an hour ago seem to be insignificant. It is a memory that I'll deal with later, and because the past cannot be changed I will chose to live in the present -- here -- next to the man I love and trust the most.

ⓒ THEFAEFICTION, 2023. DO NOT TRANSLATE, REPUBLISH, OR CROSS-POST WITHOUT EXPLICIT CONSENT.

[carlos-in-glasses]

Commiseration Monday

Thank you for the tag @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut (and the idea!), @reyesstrand @theghostofashton @lemonlyman-dotcom @heartstringsduet @catanisspicy @alrightbuckaroo ❤️

The rules: While Ao3 is temporarily down, share a little something from a WIP to keep us going through the downtime! Preferably something we haven’t shared before, but whatever works for you!

Please have some Owen and TK time from a WIP (that in my head is called Flashback Fic), which expands on my fic Chasers.

Owen leads TK into the kitchen and sits him at the breakfast bar. "I'm going to make you a spring smoothie, and then you're going to tell me what's up. Is it about your mom? Or did you and Carlos have a fight?"

"I wish," TK says.

"What does that mean?"

"A fight is simple. This is way more complicated." TK shakes his head. A fight would also mean make up sex later, so there are certain pros. "And what is a spring smoothie?"

"Spinach, apples, almond milk, basil, chicory, arugula, fenugreek, and bananas of course."

"Of course."

"Don't knock it until you try it." Owen smiles. "And talk to me."

TK watches his father practically dance around the kitchen, gathering ingredients – and it rocks him, because no matter what’s going on in his life, Owen is always there to make smoothies and talk. He thinks of himself coming out at fourteen. Gay bashed behind the bleachers at fifteen. An addict at seventeen. At twenty-six, relapsing after a failed marriage proposal. Overdosing on his apartment floor. But within all of it, for his whole life, love knelt by his side in the form of his mom and dad.

"Last night, I was in a bad way."

“After that call?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you were. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I don’t know. But Carlos called Cooper, and Cooper came over, and we talked it out. But when Carlos came home, I told him about, um–” Deep breaths. Deep, steady. “I admitted I almost relapsed the day after mom died.”

Owen stills, hugging two green, shiny apples in his hands like they’re precious. “Did he react badly.”

“No. I kind of freaked out. Kind of cried all over him.”

Owen smiles, sets the apples down and picks up a paring knife. “I’m familiar with your style.”

“Yeah. Well. At the risk of crying all over you and probably Buttercup right now, I keep thinking about you.”

"Me?" Owen asks, flattered but confused.

"And mom. And everything I put you through."

Owen looks at him seriously. Then he opens a drawer to retrieve a second small paring knife that matches one he already holds. He places it onto a thick wooden chopping board next to the two green apples and pushes it across the breakfast bar towards TK. "Wash your hands and help me make this," Owen says.

TK gets up, doing what he's asked without question, smiling to himself because he's a paramedic and doesn't need to be told to wash his hands before food prep, but they've gone back in time to his childhood, when Owen would tell him important things about life while engaging him in something practical. When TK was twelve, Owen came over to TK's new apartment with Gwyn on Canal Street and helped strip orange floral wallpaper from TK's room. While working away at the tired old flowers, which an elderly lady had once loved, Owen gave TK the sex talk. It was hetero in focus, but even then it was like Owen was nudging TK to tell him to stop if he wanted, if it didn't apply to him, or if he needed to discuss it in a different way.

TK shunted his wallpaper scraper up and down to remove a patch with particularly firm adhesive, taking a little plaster away with it.

"Anyway, if there's anything you need to know, or just want to know – if you're ever curious or upset or you have feelings for someone, I'll always want to talk to you about it. You don't need to be worried or shy."

"Okay," TK said, "Can I have some lemonade now?"

When TK cores the first apple, his hands begin to shake. He has to put the knife down. "Dad."

"TK."

"I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry."

Owen looks at his tearful son understandingly. He takes the apple from him, finishes slicing it, and waits for TK to carry on.

I'm late to this so I'm just going to tag @ladytessa74 because I was going to read your new fic tonight :( Otherwise this is an open tag to anyone who wants to do it - please genuinely take it as a tag and tag me back if you post!

[dotster001]

I would very much like a gn version of the type of person they woukd like pretty please!

What Kind of Person they Like

Summary: gn! reader. What kind of person they say they want versus the one they end up with

CW: some of the boys are assholes with their answers, it's explained away in the who they end up with section, so take it with a grain of salt, also these are just my opinions. If you don't agree that's ok! Also, if you read the Fem/masc versions some of this is different but some of it is the same. Sorry if you were hoping your fave would have a different opinion.

A/n: putting the tag list in here as well in case some of you are gn. If you're Fem or masc! My bad guys! Also now that I finished the trilogy I'm so done 😭 formatting on this app takes so fucking long

Masc Version Fem Version

Heartslaybul 

Ace Trappola

What he says

"hmm, a great bod and an ass you can't resist the urge to smack. Why are you giving me that look? Sevens, fine! Okay they're kind and have an ass that- hey don't throw stuff at me!"

Who he ends up with

Ace is going to be naturally attracted to a person that holds him accountable. He's also looking for someone who he can tease at all hours of the day. He wants someone he can have fun with, but who will also give him the cold hard facts. But they also take care of him when he's down. He's hiding a lot of insecurity under his cool guy exterior, so if they lets him snuggle, and let him whine, and then whisper how much they love him, he'll be a happy man. And he's really big on them not knowing anything about basketball. He's a fucking show off.

Deuce Spade

What he says

"Huh, I've never really thought about it. Um, I guess they're nice and funny, and aren't scared of my past. I'd also want them to be a little like you, Y/N….not that I like you! Well, I like you, not like like you, shit I'm sorry! This isn't sounding any better…"

Who he ends up with

He really means it when he says he wants someone like you. You're one of his first friends, and, in his mind, the person you date/marry should be your best friend. But if it's not you he ends up with, he will probably be attracted to someone who's book smart, but less street smart. A little "dumb" like him, in a cute kind of way. He likes a cuddler, and maybe someone who is shorter than him so that he can feel like he's swallowing them whole when he wraps his arms around them. Also, someone who encourages him and helps him with his homework/paperwork. 

Riddle Rosehearts

What he says

"I don't have time for a relationship right now….but I think I want someone well behaved who follows the rules- what are you smirking at? Just because you're a rule breaker doesn't mean everyone is. And maybe someone smart. No, definitely someone smart."

Who he ends up with

As much as he hates to admit it…he's attracted to rule breakers. Not as bad as Ace obviously, he's not trying to go gray early. But if they say something like "let's have a non herbal tea" when it's time for only herbal tea…damn what a rush. By the time he gets serious with someone, he'll be confident enough in himself to cut ties with his mother, so they have to be strong willed, and willing to live off of a low budget for a while.  He'll need someone understanding, who knows he'll have relapses and be too much and too angry sometimes, and they have to be understanding of that, and encouraging of improvement, or he'll live with guilt for the rest of his life. 

Trey Clover

What he says

"Someone who's willing to settle down and grow fat and old with me. You're laughing, but I'm going to be running my parents bakery, and feeding people is my love language. Speaking of, you better finish off that slice of cake before the others steal it."

Who he ends up with

Trey isn't that picky. He really means it when he says he wants someone to get old and fat with. That's his dream. Running a bakery with his spouse by his side, and growing old together as your own kids grow up and bring home their own spouses. But he also wants someone he can blindside with his sadistic side. Someone who'll enjoy that side of him, but also someone who easily forgets it's there. It makes things more fun for him.

Cater Diamond

What he says

"Ha ha someone trendy and totes hot. Someone totally cammable. Aw, are you jealous? Don't worry, you'll always be my fave, even if you're not my otp."

Who he ends up with

Cater wants someone who won't disappear when he looks away. Yes, if they're "cammable" that's the first thing he's looking for, but when all is said and done, if they seem like they're going to be flaky, he won't take it too seriously either, as a defense mechanism. He needs a person with mental endurance, because he's going to spend the beginning of the relationship trying to scare them off. Not that he wants to, he just needs to know he won't be left alone like he usually is. He is going to be attracted to someone who humors his trends and magicam addiction, but who also sees through him. Someone balanced.  They see the real Cay Cay, but they're also willing to be his "trophy spouse" online.

Savannaclaw

Jack Howl

What he says

"Oh, I uh, well someone who can keep up on a run with me I guess…"

Who he ends up with

Jack says he wants someone who can work out with him. And he would really be happy if he had a partner who was as active as him…but he'd also be happy  with a soft squishy partner. He gets blushy thinking about holding someone soft and plush against his firm muscles. But he's flexible. In the end he won't choose his future spouse based on appearances. Wolf beastmen mate for life, so the main thing he is looking for is loyalty. Loyalty, and someone who would want to raise lots of kids with him. As long as you have those two traits, nothing else really matters to him.

Ruggie Bucchi

What he says

"Relationships are expensive, shihihi. Tell you what, you find me someone with sticky fingers, and we'll eat the rich together."

Who he ends up with

This is a deflection.If you're asking about a specific gender, Ruggie has two drastically different responses, mostly due to the large and in charge hyena women. But if you take that aspect away, deep down he longs for someone who he can settle down with, who will call him a good boy and pamper him (whether he is the breadwinner or they are), and who he can just live a happy life, slowly rising up to middle class, with. He also is looking for someone to snuggle the night away with. He gets lonely at night.

Leona Kingscholar

What he says

"Body pillow"

"That's not-"

"Body pillow"

Who he ends up with

Like Hyena's, lion women are the boss. So take the gender aspect away, and what he's searching for is someone who will make him feel loved. Whether it's through shouting and dragging him to therapy or soft caresses and whispered praise, he doesn't mind. He wants to feel loved and first in someone's life. He doesn't care how it happens. He's a surprisingly flexible guy.

Also, they have to accept that nighttime is when they're a body pillow. That's an absolute must.

Octavinelle

Azul Ashengrotto

What he says

"Why do you wish to know? Are you attempting to reach my standards? Ha ha, let's see. Someone who is mysterious, who is willing to dress stunningly, and sit in my lap when I make deals, so that competitors can see what a high value man I am."

Who he ends up with

If that didn't make you want to throw up 🤢. He'll be attracted to someone who makes him feel beautiful in subtle ways. He knows how easy it is to spin a verbal web of lies. But there's some things you can't fake. Like allowing someone to rest on your lap, and caressing their hair. Or squeezing someone's hand gently when you have to let go. Or pressing a kiss to someone's cheek after you help them straighten their outfit. It's the soft romantic moments that'll speak to Azul when he finds his love. Aside from that, he's not looking for anything in particular. Just someone who makes him feel loved and beautiful.

Jade Leech

What he says

"Fu fu who's to say? Perhaps you are the lover of my dreams. Or not."

Who he ends up with

They're someone who can see through him. Someone who never compares him or confuses him for his twin. They're smart. Very smart. They eat his mushrooms and go on hikes with him. They are  patient with Floyd. What Jade is looking for….is Jade. Someone like that is the only one who can truly keep up with him.

Floyd Leech

What he says

"Aw Shrimpy! Are you worried? Don't worry, whoever they are, I'll still squeeze ya!"

Who he ends up with

He's looking for someone fun. That's his only criteria. At least that's what he says. He can't be sure if he loves them because they're fun, or if they're fun because he loves them. In that sense, it's sort of a soulmate situation for Floyd. Whatever will be will be. He'll just know. 

…

…

…

Also they have to be squeezable. 

Scarabia

Kalim al Asim

What he says

"I love everybody!"

"But-"

"Have some of this ice cream, it's amazing!"

Who he ends up with

He wants someone he can spoil, but he doesn't know that. It's something in his subconscious. He doesn't want things back either. So they have to be someone who is okay with being spoiled, and doesn't feel guilty about it. He's going to be attracted to someone who loves life like him, but also helps to keep him grounded. And if they have a spark of danger in them, oh man, he'll be simping so hard. 

Jamil Viper

What he says

"I'm not going to even think about it until my freedom is assured. Kalim has promised, but it would be irresponsible to force someone into servitude with me."

Who he ends up with

Jamil will fall for someone who truly appreciates him. Someone who will offer him help with his work (it doesn't matter if it's good help or not, he appreciates it either way). Someone who will pamper him. Someone who gets excited about the prospect of dropping everything and seeing the world with him. Someone who will be his partner, but who will also be willing to take turns ruling the house, so that they both can pretend to be the royal who is getting served from time to time.

Pomefiore

Epel Felmier

What he says

"Um, someone buff who knows I wear the pants in the relationship. Don't laugh, I like the idea of being surrounded in a hug of muscles! Stop laughing!"

Who he ends up with

Epel wants someone he can provide for, who he never has to prove his masculinity to. Someone who supports his ambitions, and believes in him. Someone who he doesn't have to change for. And if they want to be a cutesie house spouse for him…he won't complain.

Rook Hunt

What he says

"Mon Trickster, I can find beauty in everyone."

Who he ends up with

What he says is actually true. He can and will fall in love with every kind of person. It's hard to say who he will tie himself to, in the end. It'll be someone who he heavily bonds with and imprints on. It's a lot like with Floyd. Essentially a soulmate situation.

Vil Schoenheit

What he says

"Hm. Why do you want to know, potato? I suppose they're professional, and beautiful, and care about their image enough that they don't cause a scandal."

Who he ends up with

The thing about Vil is, he's not that far off from Rook in his take on beauty. He doesn't so much believe in conventional beauty, or societal beauty standards. He knows everyone has an individual definition of health and beauty. When he says he's looking for a beautiful person, he's looking for someone who's willing to reach their full potential. Or, more accurately, to allow him to help them reach they're full potential. Vil never admits it, but he adores pampering and styling people. His love language is helping people look their best. So if they're someone who knows themself enough to know what style they like, he'll appreciate it, and take up the mantle of doing the hard work, ie making outfits, styling hair and makeup, formulating skin care etc.  TLDR, he wants a confident self possessed lover he can dress like a doll, and show off.

Ignihyde

Idia Shroud

What he says

"-------------" mutes ipad.

In his head, he doesn't think any man would ever love him. But his dream lover is a sexy anime cat person.

Who he ends up with

What he'll be attracted to is someone who is patient, speaks at a reasonable volume, and is assertive enough to make him leave his room. Essentially, winning Idia's heart is a siege. You'll have to starve him out. That's the patience bit. The reasonable volume comes from him being easily scared by loud noises. Assertive enough to make him leave his room…well that speaks for itself. He wants to believe he can be part of the outside world, and the one he will fall for will be willing to show it to him.

Diasomnia

Sebek Zigvolt

What he says

"They are someone of noble bearing, who shall help me defend my liege!"

Who he ends up with

He'll fall for a someone who is stronger, mentally, physically, etc., than him. A person who can put him in his place. A lover who speaks, and it makes him shut up, and sit pretty. They're assertive, and can come off as abrasive to others but to Sebek? Sevens, he'd die for a smidgen of their affection.

Silver

What he says

"I don't think it's worth it to try and define the one I'll fall in love with. There are so many wonderful people, and my father always told me that love is the greatest mystery in this world. Who's to say who I'll fall in love with?"

Who he ends up with

Silver will fall for someone soft. The entire romance will be soft. Soft caresses in the moonlight. Soft kisses in the morning. Soft fingers gently intertwining.  They'll be empathetic about his sleep condition, never blaming him since it's not his fault. They'll be gentle with his animal friends. But they'll also be strong in some ways. They'll be someone who will fight the metaphorical (or literal, Silver lives an interesting life) dragon for their sleeping Prince Silver. They'll be sweet and kind. Like a hybrid of Prince Philip and Princess Aurora.

Lilia Vanrouge

What he says

"Fu Fu Fu wouldn't you like to know."

Who he ends up with

Lilia can and has fallen for every kind of person. He's lived a long time. He's had the time to romance lots of lovers.  What he'd probably fall for in this stage of his life, is someone he can tease, and play around with, but who is also ready to settle down a little bit. Someone who enjoys the little things in life. He's getting a little old. He wants to build onto his family that he already has. Silver can stand to have three or ten more siblings, right?

Malleus Draconia

What he says

"You."

Who he ends up with

You.

....

Tag list-@shytastemakerthing @stygianoir @leonia0 @lleoll @eccedentesiast-sapphic

[misscammiedawn]

I want to talk a little about Suicidality. More importantly, how to talk to those experiencing it.

This is a heavy topic, though. It's under a readmore.

Massive content warning for suicide discussion.

I am of the firm belief that we need to talk about this. Not talk around it or signal how bad it is as this will not enable people the space to discuss without judgment. It's a tough topic. I think about it ALL THE TIME and never talk about it. It just keeps the thoughts in my head. I want to speak. I don't need to be heard. I just want to speak.

When I get really bad and start relapsing I spiral hard. Sometimes that spiral will push me away from loved ones, sometimes it'll trigger a bout of picking at emotional wounds that have scabbed over but more often than not I seek sources of comfort that do not require other humans.

Sometimes I talk to therapy chatbots so I can spew my emotions out at someone who will not be burdened or remember it-- this is for when I know it's a temporary storm and I need present relief without permanent consequence.

Sometimes I look online for messages that can ground me. Those "reasons not to die" inspirational videos and I typically close them the moment they make broad and reaching assumptions.

"You're loved"

"You have so much to offer"

"You're important"

Because they do so much harm to me. I don't know if they do good things for other people but I am fully cognizant of the fact that these people are shooting empty platitudes into the air. Which means when people who do know me say these things, I cannot fully trust that they are not just saying the words that society have conditioned them to say to people in pain.

When someone says these lines are they offering perspective that my mentally ill irrationality has left me blind to or is it telling me what they think I want to hear?

Every time a perfect stranger who has never known my life or my heart tells me these things it makes those words and sentiments weaker.

I can't speak to any experience other than my own. But I am a contradiction. I've passively desired death continually since I was a teenager. I have lived more years with the desire to end myself than I have with the desire to live. Over half my life since a turning point that opened a door in me that can never be closed.

I'm not going anywhere. The Event also instilled in me a lifelong commitment that I will never do to others what was done to me. I refuse.

But it gives me a perspective that makes the struggle all the more painful to me.

I desire and detest the final exit.

So the guilt trip doesn't work either. I know how it makes people feel. I've lived that. The thought of doing it to another person makes me... feel like shit. Which just feeds that evil dragon that whispers dark secrets in my ear. The more I am guilted, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the weaker my resolve becomes.

So if you cannot positively or negatively influence a person with the potential of regrets and appeals to emotion. What can you do?

The obvious answer is listen.

That does help.

But I'd be a hypocrite if I took my worst impulse and fed it into a ELIZA chatbot and preached for other people to listen. Clearly I am denying those in my life the opportunity to do that for me, half because I know the pain of hearing someone talk about those topics and half because, as mentioned, I do not wish for permanent consequences to temporary emotions.

The other step is that I am desperate for someone to condone it.

If I could go back and have an honest to god conversation about things, with the people who instilled this hatred of suicide into me. I don't think I'd try to change things. I'd just want to hear why, understand it and say "I really wish you wouldn't, but I understand why you want to."

PhilosophyTube's episode on the topic has been sitting rent free in my head for years.

It's the simplist and most powerful phrase in the english language, I think: “I understand how you feel.” I've been up there. I've flown that mission. I fly it a hell of a lot. And you're not necessarily bad or broken inside just because they're sending you up. So you fly safe, Cosmonauts. - Abigail Thorn

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want anyone to kill themselves. But all of the talk, all of the activism, all of the push for suicide prevention. It focuses on stopping a person with a desperate desire to escape their circumstances, their pain, their existence and it asks them to not act on those desires.

There's no version of events where the desire itself is treated. Even when a person has no drive to follow-through, the desire doesn't truly go away. Decades of therapy, better life conditions and reasons to live haven't made it go away for me.

At my worst, I research it. Run the numbers. Live the fantasy. The information I got from ethical exit resources lives with me. I know exactly what to do, what to buy from Wal-Mart. On one hand I feel empowered by the fact that I have control in that I can do it and I choose not to. Some days that gives me comfort. Other days I curse 2020 Camden for researching that forbidden knowledge and burdening us with it here in the present.

A hard thing I had to do recently in trauma therapy was write down the full list of actions I'd take and send it to people I love so they could recognize the steps if I started to take them. That flooded us with shame. Also inspired some of the need to talk about it.

But still, I don't really regret poisoning myself with the knowledge of how to do it, even if it most certainly is a detriment to me.

Because "I understand" is just a sentence. "I've been there" is just a sentiment.

What gets me through. What helps me survive?

It's feeling like I have a choice and that when I'm hurting and desiring to scratch that itch, I can ask myself "do you want to go to Wal-Mart?" knowing full well I'll get that sharp and angry "NO!" in reply.

Because there's something else I learned in that "forbidden research".

One of the doctors who was involved in activism for Canada's MAiD laws (and was imprisoned for helping people attain The Final Exit) was on a podcast talking about their view on euthanasia and when they feel it is inhumane to let someone live. They spoke about the cruelty of keeping someone in suffering tethered to life for the comfort of the surviving family and noted that guilt was not a good motivator and would only cause further knee-jerk reactions and defensive behaviors.

So he told a good story about someone who he helped.

"Can you imagine having one more happy memory?"

The person at the end of their life spoke about the pain they were in, the way their mind was giving in on them, the sad faces surrounding them all of the time and the fact that all the memories of vibrance and life were being replaced by this slow downward spiral as the months dragged on. There were joys of seeing loved ones and there were comforts and conversations and then... dying became routine. Expected and inevitable and there were no more fresh and beautiful experiences to be found in the process of dying. Only pain.

When the patient knew without a doubt that they would never have another happy memory to enjoy before the end they said they were ready to go and no one around them could argue.

It was a bittersweet story but it stuck with me.

2001 was the first time we acted self-destructively. We have had spirals, even since hearing that story in 2020 (one even started us writing this post), but I considered hearing it while on the edge of the knife to be the moment I reaffirmed the knowledge I'd never do the deed.

2001-2020 our motivation was in pain. In knowing what it's like to get that call from the hospital. To have to be buzzed in to the mental ward to visit the shame-filled loved one who needs all of your love and understanding and you silently ask yourself "is it selfish for me to feel hurt? Who will even comfort me in this time?" to take responsibility and be strong when everything is falling apart...

I can't. I won't. Never. Never EVER.

That kept us safe for a long time. But it made the storms so hard to weather and it made that thought at the back of our head insist "we'll do it eventually"

In 2020, when we knew we were an hour's shopping trip away from the edge, that story gave us something to dream. "Hey, idiot, we're working so hard to transition. Why would we give up now?" and, yes, the process of transitioning damned near killed us... but it wouldn't always be hating ourselves and feeling like the journey was impossible. We could climb Mount Celeste. Just give it a year. A month. Another day.

Can you still imagine us happy?

If you can, then live another day. Just carry on. As long as you can imagine a world where you have one more happy memory it's worth the pain of today.

I don't know if this will strike everyone the same way it did me. But it helped. So much. In a world where all the creature comforts like concerts and cinemas were stripped and we spent weeks and weeks alone indoors going quietly crazy and growing terrified of a hostile world that was about to see an attempted insurrection in the near future, it was so easy to be consumed by darkness and give in completely...

And I think we've done okay. Fine enough. I doubt life will ever live up to what was hoped or imagined. Things will always be a struggle. Things will always be tense and hard. But there will always be moments. New happy memories. I owe the me of yesterday the smiles of today and I owe the me of tomorrow the ability to experience those smiles.

I don't need to be told I am loved, I am valuable, I am all the things that my illness refuses to let me believe.

I just need to know that I have experienced happiness in the past and it's not impossible for me to experience it again.

That'll keep me going.

[tom-foolery-incorporated]

Stiff as a Board

>My PTSD has been acting up lately so I wanted to write some ANGST. Ends with fluff though because I am soft and squishy

>Gender neutral and racially ambiguous reader, mentions of emotional and verbal abuse, mentions of abusive father figures, mentions of mental health, SFW, angst with a soft ending, Lucifer doesn't know the reader has PTSD, relapse of a binge eating disorder and mentions of body image, MC gets triggered and starts spiraling, platonic or romantic relationship with Lucifer not specified

"You can't keep getting grades like this!"

        "Mhm."

        "You're supposed to be representing the human realm. What does that say about the rest of your kind?"

        "Mhm."

        "Mammon has been too much of a bad influence on you! I shouldn't have-"

        You didn't pay attention to the rest of Lucifer's lecture. You could only sit there frozen with your eyes on his freshly polished black shoes. Your hands clenched on your lap as memories played through your mind. Just sit there, agree, and stay quiet and it'll all be over soon. Your room didn't feel safe anymore. Suddenly you were transported back to your childhood room. Instead of the luxurious plush bed with the vines growing overhead you were on your childhood bed. Your father sat across from you in your computer chair berating you. "You'll never amount to anything like that!" "I slave away every day and this is how you thank me?" "No one wants to be around you when you do X, Y, and Z." "What did I tell you? No, I want you to say it. What did I tell you?"

        You hadn't realized you haven't blinked until your eyes started to burn but you can't blink now. If you blink then tears will come to your eyes and he'll think you're crying looking for pity. Instead, you sat there motionless agreeing with whatever he was saying when you were prompted.

        "MC!"

        You snapped out of your trance to meet the crimson gaze of Lucifer. He had his hands on his hips with your failing paper crumpled in his right hand. "Did you hear what I said?" He looked down at your stiff form on the bed expecting a response.

        "Mhm."

        "I don't think you did because all I've been hearing you say is 'mhm' 'mhm' 'mhm' over and over again!"

        "Sorry."

        "Sorry Isn't good enough. I need to know that you're going to do better."

        You were back in your childhood room. "I don't want to hear you saying sorry! Don't say it unless you mean it! I know you didn't mean it because you went and did it anyway!"

        "I want to hear you say it."

        Suddenly Lucifer started looking a lot like your father. "I want you to promise me you'll do better."

        "I'll do better." Your voice was flat and monotone as your eyes glazed over. Just sit there, agree, and stay quiet and it'll all be over soon.

        "Thank you," Lucifer sighed, "remember that it's your turn to make dinner tonight." With that he turned away from you and slipped out the door making sure to close it on his way out. You finally blinked letting the soothing tears lubricate your eyes. A breath left your body you didn't even realize you were holding. Was it safe to move? If you moved would he hear you and come back? You sat there still as a board with your ears at attention listening to Lucifer's shoes pat down the hallway until you couldn't hear him anymore. Still how sure can you be that it's safe to move? Maybe if you stayed still for a little longer.

        This wasn't your space anymore. This space was now controlled by him. You could smell his cologne and the laundry detergent he always bought in the air. You were in your childhood room.

        You jolted at the sound of your phone buzzing. Shit, did he hear that? You waited a couple seconds before checking your phone.

        "MC?" It was Beel.

        "Yes?"

        "What're you making for dinner 🤤?"

        Shit what were you going to make for dinner?

        "Maybe we can order some pizza?"

        "Sure! I'll have 3 meat lovers, a newt tail pizza, and 7 pepperoni. Thanks MC!"

        Guess you have to go ahead and ask the other brothers what they want.

        Lucifer.

        Maybe you could just order whatever classic pizzas the pizza place has and skip asking the brothers what they want.

        "Mammon, can you get that?" Asmodeus said in reference to the knock at the door. He sat on the sofa filing his nails. In front of him on the coffee table were various nail polish bottles and a manicure set. "Hey!" Mammon responded resting his magazine on his stomach, "why do I have to go and get the door? You're closer!" The door bell rang this time. "I'll get it," Satan grumbled making his way down the hallway.

        "We have a delivery for the House of Lamentation?" The pizza demon stood in the doorway with two arm fulls of pizza boxes.

        "Yes," Satan responded taking the pizza from the demon, "and how much will that be?"

        "Oh," the demon sounded confused, "you already payed online."

        "Right. Thank you." Satan unceremoniously shut the door turning to his brothers trying to balance the pizza boxes in his arms. "Come help me with this. I think MC ordered pizza for dinner." Mammon sprung up to peak inside one of the boxes.

        "Hey, what'd they get?"

        "Stop messing with the boxes and help me!"

        The smell of garlic crust and cheese wafted down the halls of the House of Lamentation. You hadn't even realized that the food was here until you heard Beel knocking on your door. "MC! Pizzas here!"

        You swung your legs off of your bed and onto the cool wood floor. Your room didn't feel safe but out there felt even worse. Still if you didn't show up to eat he might come back and berate you some more. A quick peak out your door showed you that the coast was clear so you made your way to the dining room.

        The bustling bodies swiftly grabbed and pass around plates so everyone could grab a piece of pizza before Beel went and ate them all. "MC!" Asmo wrapped his arm around your shoulder making you jump, "how could you get all of this greasy food! You know how bad it is for my skin." He looked at you with puppy dog eyes yet he had a slice of pizza on his plate.

        "Sorry."

        "Oi! Leave them alone! You should be thankful you're eating at all!"

        "Oh relax Mammon, I was just giving them a hard time."

        "Here MC." Satan handed you a plate with two slices of pizza on it which you took and held stiffly in your hands.

        "MC," Lucifer called at the entrance of the dining room, "I thought you were going to cook dinner?"

        Oh no. Fuck you messed up again. Stupid stupid stupid stupid! If you don't say something he'll think you're ignoring him but you can't find a way to respond without sounding meek and pathetic.

        "Why does it matter? We got pizza!" Leviathan covered his mouth as he responded to Lucifer.

        "I meant nothing by it. I was just mistaken."

        You sat down next to Mammon who rambled to you about this new Grimm making idea he had read in his magazine earlier. You tried to eat your pizza but every bite you felt you'd get punished for. You were supposed to cook dinner, you thought to yourself, you messed up again. On top of that you got junk food.

        "You shouldn't be eating this." His voice rang through your head, "what did I tell you? You're already so big you can't eat like that!"

        "Oi! MC," Mammon nudged you, "what's gotten into you?"

        "Sorry. I'm fine," you brushed him off putting on a smile. "What were you saying again?"

        "He was just talking about one of his stupid schemes," Belphegor retorted.

        "Hey! It wasn't stupid! It was full proof this time." Mammon slapped his hand on the table.

        You couldn't stay here with so much noise. The slice you didn't finish ended up back in its box as you excused yourself from the dining room. Mammon watched your figure leave down the hallway to the stairs.

        Midnight. You regretted not finishing your dinner. How much weight would you have gained if you did? Wait, that's not how that works. "I already told you you're going to get fat if you eat like that!" You pressed your hands to your eyes trying to get his voice out of your head. Still, you were hungry and needed something to eat. Your feet carried you our of your room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Surprisingly the lights were off and Beel wasn't having his late night feast. You flicked the switch on and made your way to the fridge. Another surprise, there was a box of pizza left. You opened it to find a whole pizza plus the slice you had put back. Cold pizza never bothered you anyway so you grabbed the whole thing and gently placed it onto the kitchen counter. You started with the loose slice of pizza you hadn't touched earlier that night. It tasted better now that no one was around you. Another slice wouldn't hurt, after all you were still hungry. Suddenly tears spilled from your eyes.

        How can you be so stupid? First you fuck up your paper then you don't even cook dinner. You keep on taking the easy way out of things! No wonder you're so bad at everything, you thought to yourself. You jammed another slice into your mouth trying to chew between sobs. Once you swallowed you jammed another slice in your mouth while you held another in your other hand. Each piece went down your throat only to be chased down by another. Stupid stupid stupid stupid!

        "MC?"

        You froze in place looking down at the pizza box. You had managed to eat the whole pizza without realizing it. Your eyes move upwards to meet Lucifer's who stood at the entrance to the kitchen with a concerned look on his face. Fuck, he caught you.

        "I'm sorry!" you said with your mouth full trying to wipe tears from your face, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

        "MC," Lucifer cautiously stepped closer to you, "what happened?'

        "I'm sorry!"

        "MC, it's okay. Just tell me what happened," Lucifer reached out hold you but you recoiled curling in on yourself at his display of affection.

        "MC?" You had never done this before. Lucifer looked at you with stern concern on his chiseled features. Whatever had happened he had to make it right. You were his responsibility and he couldn't let something so bad happen to you that you relapsed.

        "It's okay, MC," Lucifer said in a soft voice, "just tell me what happened." How could you tell him? You'd get in even more trouble if you told him he'd hurt you. But this wasn't your dad. Lucifer was the one standing in front of you with such unbridled concern on his face that it made you feel even more guilty than you already did. Lucifer took a napkin from the counter and gently held your face in the other hand while he wiped the pasta sauce from around your mouth. He noticed how you tensed up and how the tears kept rolling down your beautiful cheeks.

        "Do you want to come to my room and tell me what happened?" He'd never seen you shake your head faster at the mention of being in his room. "Okay," he said softly "let's sit down and you can tell me what's wrong." Lucifer guided your trembling form to the living room to sit on one of the couches. With a click, he turned on one of the table lamps and sat across from you on the opposite couch.

        "I'm sorry," you mumbled wiping the tears from your eyes.

        "You have nothing to be sorry for."

        That just made the tears even worse. You hunched in on yourself sobbing at what he had said. This wasn't your father. This was Lucifer who cared for you. Yes he was stern but he'd never intentionally harm you.

        "You just," you started between sobs, "you just reminded me of him."

        "Of who?"

        "When you were in my room earlier and I had failed that paper-"

        "Is that what this is about? MC-"

        "You reminded me of my dad."

        The sternness dropped from Lucifer's voice at that. "What about your father?"

        "He wasn't a good man."

        Fuck. Lucifer clenched his fists waiting to hear you out.

        "He said I was fat and stupid and that I'd never amount to anything and-"

        "Oh, MC."

        "Whenever I did something wrong no matter how small he'd go on and on about how I'm a fuck up."

        Guilt riddled through Lucifer's body. He should have known. He tracked through his memory trying to remember if there was any mention of this in your file.

        "I just get so scared."

        That's the last thing he wants is for you to fear him. "I'm sorry MC. I didn't mean to scare you like that." You nodded your head. "Now," Lucifer's voice was softer than you've ever heard him before, "are you forgiving me because you want to or because you feel like you have to?" Realization flowed across your face at his words. All of those times when you didn't really feel closure but forgave the person anyway came back to you. Are you forgiving me because you want to or because you feel like you have to? "I wish you wouldn't lecture me like that," you mumbled finally sharing your thoughts and feelings. "Then I won't," Lucifer started, "but that doesn't mean you get to get away with everything and anything." You nodded wiping the tears from your eyes, "I know."

        "I appreciate you sharing this with me," Lucifer spoke, "it takes a lot of courage to be so vulnerable." You smiled at the demon sitting across from you. This wasn't your father; this was Lucifer who loved and cared for you. "Are you okay to go back to bed?" he asked. "Can we talk some more? It doesn't have to be about my dad but I just want to talk," you responded as the tears finally started clearing. "Of course, MC."

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

TW addiction. I relapsed. And I feel so much better even though I know this is bad for me. And that makes me feel guilty. And I'm really going to get clean, I AM, but it's so much harder than I realized, and the only person I can talk to about this is my therapist, and I just. Feel like such a mess. And I don't know how to feel. How I'm going to go through withdrawal again. How I'm not going to use again. It's really scary.

of course it is, sweetheart. if addiction was simple or easy to deal with, it would never ruin anyone's life.

this is a big scary monster you're wrestling with, so of course you're scared, of course you're going to get beat up in the fight, of course you're going to lose some rounds. it wouldn't be an addiction otherwise, would it?

but you're trying. you're fighting, and that matters so much. figuring out how to get back up after you've fallen down is every bit as important as figuring out how to win. you're not going to get out of this without a black eye or two (or ten), but that doesn't mean you've lost. this was never going to be a bloodless fight.

i really appreciate that you trusted me enough to come to me with this, hon, but i do want to be totally clear - i have no qualifications to actually guide you, here. i have no psychology training and i don't have any personal experience with addiction, so i'm probably just not the best one to give you advice. but i'd like to give you my addiction tag and my relapse tag, as those might offer some practical tips and some encouragement from people who've been where you are.

also, i'm really really proud of you for going to therapy and working with a professional on this - that in of itself is a huge achievement, i promise you. but i do want to ask you to reconsider talking about this to at least one other person in your life, because i do know that support networks are crucial when you're trying to overcome addiction.

i know that the shame and misery makes that sound unbearable, that you desperately don't want anyone to know, but i hope there's a decent person in your life who genuinely loves you and wants to see you happy, even if that means getting their hands a little dirty. you deserve support in this, i promise.

even if the answer's no, just think about it, okay? i'm a stranger on the internet who doesn't even know your name, and i don't think less of you for struggling with this. you are not unlovable in addiction, i promise.

please take care of yourself, darling. you have a long way to go, but you're going to wipe the blood from your nose and stand back up, and it's going to matter.

[factorialsotherfandoms]

... TW: cannibalism, corpse, Philza being far more chill with the situation than I think he actually would be.

Yeah, no, this isn't getting where I need it to, so just have this as it is instead while I try hammer out something else for the scene/s I need for the Happy Ending AU. I even have the main dialogue for Philza and Cellbit, just not how to lead into it or what would cause Phil to bring it up to him >.<

"You doing alright, mate?"

The answer is, objectively, no. Bagi had said Philza should talk to Cellbit, yes, but he hadn't quite realised it had gotten this bad; he's seen his friend about a few times since then, exhausted and worn down and his jacket gone despite the coming winter, but not had a chance to talk, what with everything on the island.

Maybe he should have done more than wave hello and carried on to bed.

Maybe then he wouldn't be watching someone he trusted more than his limbs carve chunks from a corpse with his teeth and a knife.

Cellbit seems to have decided to ignore him, and Philza could swear about it, or make it somebody else's problem, but frankly he's not sure who else's problem he /can/ make it.

He wants to wash his hands of this, to turn around and pretend he didn't see, but what sort of fucking friend is he if he doesn't at least try? He knows Cellbit - or at least, he thinks he does - and, yeah, the man has the capacity to be terrible, and has been terrible, but so has Philza.

He's not going to support this mess but, at the same time, he knows what a trauma-induced relapse looks like.

Even if his own were never quite as messy.

"Are you sure you should be eating that?" he asks instead, trying to bribe Cellbit to look at him. "The whole faceless thing might be infectious."

That does at least get Cellbit to look at him, the man giggling a little, "what? Are you worried about me?"

"Well, yeah mate," Philza gestures. "You're kinda eating a corpse."

"Aren't you scared?"

Philza looks him up and down. "For you? Sure. Of you? I've known you for months, Cellbit, if you wanted to hurt me I'd know by now. And even if I messed that up, pretty sure I could take you."

"So you're here to give me the lecture, then? Tell me to stop? I'm not going to, Philza, so just... spare us both the time," Cellbit seems exhausted as he wipes blood from his mouth, sitting back with a sigh.

"Depends why you're doing it," he replies. "If you need the food that badly, I've toast in my bag."

"Heh," Cellbit's smile is not actually at all pleased. "I just... I need them to be scared."

"Hm?"

"I've tried everything, Philza, and it doesn't work. I've tried to investigate, I've tried to infiltrate, I've played their games and I've tried to host my own, only to find them twisted back on me. Every day we're here another person suffers - first it was Felps, who will it be next? I can't just leave them - I'm good at this, Philza, this is who I am, who I always was. I hunt, I kill, and people /fear me/. We have to bring the Federation down, if I have to be bloody again, I will - and now? Now? I feel happy again, the adrenaline, the chase... I'm going to kill them, Philza, and you're not going to stop me. And anyone... Anyone who gets in my way will join them." Cellbit pauses a second. "But they don't get it, they don't understand, I thought /he'd/ be proud of me, at least. Don't they see why I'm doing this? It's for them, it's always for them, I don't care if I'm the monster!"

"... Just so long as they're safe," Philza finishes for him, with a sigh.

He leans back against the wall, and looks at the cooling corpse.

There's a choice here, he supposes. He cannot condone the violence, not against the rank and file employees, but he understand the frustration. He sees what Bagi and Bad mean, but he doesn't know if they understand - has Bagi ever actually killed someone? Has Bad ever had a human morality? Philza's own is skewed, he knows that, and yet...

In a moment of revulsion his mind begs him to turn away, to cut Cellbit loose and call it a day.

The other part, the part that loves, the part he tried to kill so many years ago, says that Cellbit is his and that means with the good and the bad.

"I'm not going to help you kill random workers," Philza says, trying to pace himself. "But if you have a specific target you can explain a tactical purpose to beyond generic weakening the enemy? Then you have my support. And whatever way? If you get yourself into shit you can't get yourself out of, just comm me mate. I'll come by and bail you out, and I'm not going to ask shit. Just so long as you're safe."

It's a pittance, it's repulsive, but Philza knows what its like to be scum, the lowest of the low, and if it takes comprimising himself a bit to get Cellbit a safety net then, fuck it, he'll leave moral complications to Bagi.

Cellbit looks almost suspiciously at him, "you aren't going to tell me to stop?"

"Would it help?" Philza retorts.

"So you disprove?"

"I mean yeah, I don't think killing the maintenance workers is a good fucking plan. But I'm not the plan guy, either, so I've just got to trust you there, don't I? And I trusted you before."

"You hadn't seen me eat a dead body yet."

"Do you want me to fight you? Because I can fight you," Philza gestures a bit. "But there's no fucking point, and I'm too old for this shit these days. Just be careful, okay? Because the Federation knows us, and they know you don't give a shit about being punished - so they will go after your loved ones instead."

"I'll protect them," Cellbit replies. "Roier will protect them, too; we've agreed."

Philza doesn't believe for a moment that they'll succeed, and starts making plans to have Fit keep a better eye on Tazercraft. He can watch Forever, if Fit's gossip tree is right Tina will look after Bagi. As for Felps... He isn't sure, but the other Brazilians will come up with something. Richarlyson... When they find the eggs, Bad will be more than willing there - and all his other dads.

Roier, if Cellbit is to be believed, is already in on it. Philza makes a note to talk to him about what to do if he needs bailing out, too. Also Foolish, perhaps - he's not quite sure what's up there, but it's something.

The rest of the islanders, at least, are already on high alert, expecting to be blamed for the murders and kidnapped at any moment. He'd suggest a check in and buddy system, but that would mean complying with a buddy system.

"I'll keep an eye out too," he replies. "Just promise you'll call if you need me, okay?"

Cellbit shrugs, and it might be the closest to a promise he can get.