#sam analyzes (themselves for a change)

[samsspambox]

im doing the thing again (in my head) where i start to deconstruct my writing style and im analyzing why it feels off to me so now the svart fic is gonna be my guinea-pig to a couple of things i wanna try

[samsno1]

Dream Of Me

Sam Winchester x F!Reader

i was going to do this fic much, much longer, it would have a whole plot and all but i am so exhausted i wasn't feeling it so have this short horny ass one-shot because i was ovulating while writing this lol

Summary: You quite literally got into Sam's head...

Warnings: SMUTish, m. masturbation, use of y/n, descriptions of nudity, *almost* cunnilingus (read it so you will understand lmao), kissing, nipple sucking, marking (?), english is not my first language

You can learn how to change "Y/N" for your actual name here

Read it on AO3

Read Part Two

WC: 2.3k

enjoy!

Sam kissed you deeply, his lips dragging against yours eagerly. His big hands grabbed at your hips, blunt nails digging into your skin through your clothes. His tongue sinfully entered your mouth, exploring the warmth and groaning at your taste.

Your hands wrapped themselves behind his neck, fingers brushing through his long locks, lightly tugging at each lap of his tongue through your lips. He slowly walked you back, your knees hitting the edge of the mattress and Sam gently held your upper back to place you softly over the covers, mouths never leaving each other. His long hair tickled your cheeks, his nose bumped into yours. His desire was almost palpable as his kisses became more and more desperate, his hands clawing at your back as one of his knees supported his weight between your thighs. His long torso angled itself in an arch to keep his assault on your mouth.

When he finally pulls away, a whine escapes your throat, your raw lips begging for more as your eyes watch his flushed face. He panted above you as he straightened up, his arms crossing to grab at the hem of his shirt and pull it off, the collar of the clothing lifting his hair and then making it bounce back in place perfectly, a stupid grin on his face – a sinful, I know you like what you see grin – as he catches your beautiful eyes analyzing every bit of exposed skin.

He places both his hands on each side of your head, his hair framing his face, a little curtain to hide the absolutely hungry look on his eyes.

“Like what you see, pretty girl?” He questions and you nod in affirmation. He dips down again to attack your neck with open mouthed kisses and bites, making you whine and mewl on his ears and your hands reach for his back, your nails digging into the flesh. His hands drag down your front, bumping against your hard nipples and going low enough so that he can drag your shirt up, his obnoxiously long fingers brushing against your hot skin and throwing even more wood in the fire that was in your belly.

He pulls away momentarily and you lift your arms above your head so that he can take the shirt off for you, the clothing blocking the stunning view of an aroused Sam Winchester for a few seconds as it goes through your head. When he finally throws the shirt away on the ground he practically pouts when he sees the bra covering your breasts and sensually – slowly – trails his hands to your back, leaving yet another mind blowing kiss on your lips, humming, fucking humming in delight, just for being able to do this to you.

He unclasps the undergarment, and you feel him smile against your lips as if he was saying finally I can really see you. As he takes yet another article of clothing off of you he really eyes you down – I mean really. He registers every curve, every scar and every single particle of your skin, his lust-blown eyes eating you alive right then and there, your chest going up and down with deep breaths, your abused mouth half open, your hands splayed beside your head – everything.

He takes a single hand to caress over your skin, starting low at your neck and slowly coming down at the valley of your breasts, down your belly until he’s below your belly button then his other hand joins the action, one on each side of you, dragging up your waist and feeling around your ribs until they finally grab at each boob, squeezing. You groan and grab at both his wrists to keep him there, the little stimulation you got better than anything. He hums above you, his head dipping down to leave feather-light kisses over your collarbones.

“So pretty” He murmurs against your skin “So, so beautiful for me Y/N”

You sigh as he massages your breasts, his mouth dragging down to one of your nipples, wrapping around it and hollowing his cheeks, sucking on your skin and circling his tongue around your tit. You arch your back, a low moan rippling through your throat as you roll your hips, trying to find any kind of friction for the ache between your thighs.

“Sam…” You plead, grabbing at his hair to tug. He groans at your action, biting lightly on your nipple and you shriek. He lifts his head up, chuckling lowly, evil even, a smug smirk on his face, his dimples making him look even prettier above you. He lets your breasts go and smashes his mouth to yours again, swallowing your complaints.

His hands hold you at your belt loop and he bumps his crotch against yours and oh my god. You let out a cry, breaking the connection, and hide your head in his shoulder, your mouth kissing below his ear lobe as you whisper to him:

“Please, please, please, do something, Sam” You beg and he hushes you, one of his hands going towards your lower back to hug your naked tummy against his defined body. He squeezes your skin, wanting to mold into you and turn you inside out.

“Shh, beautiful, I’m gonna take care of you” He says, kissing your neck and unbuttoning your tight jeans with one hand. Excitement runs through his veins, his mouth still marking your skin.

His hand finally manages to unzip your pants and he flattens his palm against your lower belly to drag his fingers below the waistband of your panties. He swipes one teasing middle finger between your folds making you buck against his hand and let out a cry of desperation. He brings his finger out, making you groan in complaint until he lifts his head up, grabs your chin and makes you stare at him in the eyes.

When he’s sure you’re looking, he inserts his slick soaked finger into his mouth and sucks on it, pleasurable noises coming out of his throat as he savors your taste on his tongue, his eyes closing in bliss. The sight is beyond unholy, the action making your cunt clench into nothing, your glossy eyes couldn’t look away and Sam was taking advantage of that. Nothing you’ve ever experienced with anyone before made you feel so needy for someone's mouth between your thighs, eating you out with all their want, need, for you, nose deep into your pussy. Sam did that.

He takes his finger out of his mouth with a pop, licking his lips with his tongue and he opens his eyes to look at you and you are, for sure, looking at him, completely hypnotized by his spell. He grins and dips his head close to your ear, his hot breath sending goosebumps all over your body.

“I’m going to eat you out until you’re begging me to stop, until you’re physically unable to take anything anymore” He whispers and bites at your earlobe and jesus fucking christ where did this man get this mouth. You let out a shaky breath at his words, the fantasy making you squeeze your legs together.

“Please, please, please” You beg as Sam starts kissing down your body, open mouthed kisses left and right. His mouth bit and sucked at points he learned made you tingly inside and your hips roll below him. When he gets to the waistband of your pants he hooks two fingers of each hand through it to drag both your underwear and your jeans down your legs. It felt cold for about three seconds until the sight of Sam looking up at your face through his long lashes, eyes filled with lust, burned you from the inside out.

Once you were completely bare under him he left kisses in each of your inner thighs, his calloused hands kneading on the skin. You look down again, his hair brushes your legs, his mouth so close, so, so close that you could feel his breath against your soaked cunt. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you and you felt like the last woman on earth, wondering how this man could be so perfect, inside and outside. He finally starts to approach your folds, his mouth slowly opening to wrap around your clit and…and…

“Sammy wake up!” Sam’s shaken awake by a hand on his arm and takes a deep breath in. He rubs his eyes, trying to adjust to the light that got turned on by whoever disturbed his sleep – his very good and desirable sleep. His blurred vision starts to focus on the figure besides his bed. Dean towers over Sam in his robe, an unfazed look on his face and a cup of coffee in his hand that isn’t holding his arm.

“Dean?” He questions, voice hoarse from sleep, as he sits up on the bed, the covers falling from his chest to pool around his hips, still hiding his legs below it. Dean drops his hand from his upper arm “What time is it?”

“About 10AM” He says “We might’ve found a case, we need your help with research” He affirmed and Sam nodded. Oh my god. You. How was he going to face you? How was he going to be able to concentrate on your explanation of the case to him when he just fantasized about his mouth between your legs eating you – scratch that – almost eating you out? I’m screwed. “Clean up and meet me and Y/N at the library” Dean says finally, snapping him out of his thoughts and giving him a slap on his back, to which Sam groaned in annoyance. He leaves the room soon after, closing the door behind him.

He lets out a shaky breath, his hands supporting his upper body against the mattress. Just now did he notice the blood pulsing between his legs and the way he seemed hotter than usual. He rubbed both hands over his face, get it together, God damn it. He threw his legs off the side of the bed and stood up, making a beeline to the bathroom. He needed a cold shower, an ice bath, drown in the lakes of Alaska, anything to cool his body and his thoughts.

Every time he blinked there you were, his disheveled hair and lust blown pupils looking up at you. It had been some time since he started developing a crush on the huntress, your kind and caring – but at the same time firm and assertive – personality got him hooked pretty quick and your smartness always impressed him. Dean often made fun of you for being sort of a nerd – in his words – but that just made you even more desirable for him. And, of course, you looked incredible. Your killer body and beautiful features made you look amazing even when you were covered in monster guts.

Peeling off his clothes and turning the water to the coldest setting definitely helped. But, his boner was still there. He cursed to himself and hesitantly wrapped a hand around his cock, eyes closing and teeth digging into his lips to hold back any noise. He started rubbing slowly, up and down, visions of you on his head, beneath him, hair messed up by his hands and skin marked by his mouth and teeth. He wondered how your pussy would taste on his tongue, which noises you would make when he finally brought you over that edge just with his mouth. Then with his fingers. Then…

He quickened his movements, his chest going up and down quickly with deep breaths. Sam should feel bad for touching himself to the thought of you, he should feel bad for dreaming of you that way but he just couldn’t. The images of you flashing into his mind were making him feel thoroughly euphoric, his heartbeat could be felt in his ears and he couldn’t stop himself from imagining your cries of pleasure as he pumped into you or the different positions he could put you in. Fucking you against the shower wall or over the map table.

His drenched hair fell besides his face, the cold water running down his head and back as he slightly hunched over. One of his hands supported his weight against the wall while the other grasped tightly at his shaft. He thought about you moaning his name, much like you did in the dream, and how it sounded so sweet yet so arousing. 

His breathing was shallow, his hands were shaking and with a sigh of your name he finally came. He was in bliss, the orgasm hitting him like a truck. He pressed his forearm against the wall in a horizontal position and rested his head over it, his softening dick still in his hand. He opened his eyes, the sound of the water falling to the ground finally being processed by his brain again.

Jesus Christ.

The guilt suddenly hit him and he shook his head, partially in disbelief at what his body and mind made him feel. And do. Even if his body calmed down, his brain still had that dream practically memorized. He sighed, cleaning himself up all over again, the mess he made going down the drain, hiding the evidence. He got out of the shower, toweling his hair and drying his face.

He stood in front of the mirror and looked at his reflection. His cheeks were still flushed but, besides that, nothing could give anything away. He breathed out a chuckle.

“God damn it” He whispered to himself as he proceeded to dry the rest of his body with a different towel than the one he used in his hair, then wrapping that towel around his hips and going back to his room to change into different clothes. Today was going to be a long day.

A/N: Notes and reblogs encourage me to keep writing, feedback makes those writings better. Thank you for reading, Xoxo

Read Part Two

[bumblesimagines]

“then shut up and kiss me already.”

- Paul Lahote

“then shut up and kiss me already.” changed this line a bit

pronouns: they/them, gender neutral

It'd been a devastating and hectic month for the Clearwater household. From the unexpected passing of your father to your siblings suddenly shifting, it seemed as if you couldn't catch a break. You had to pause your life in California to return to Washington out of grief and concern for your family, having to put in a notice at your job and assure friends and colleagues you were alright.

But you most certainly weren't.

Even with Leah being a year older than you, responsibility always seemed to fall on your shoulders and thus you were left to pick up the pieces. From ensuring Sam was willing to keep an eye on your siblings to planning the funeral with your mother, your time back in La Push felt more like work than anything else.

Which was why, you found yourself at the beach, feet covered by cool sand and wind gently caressing your skin. The beach had been the best part of living in La Push. The sound of the waves always helped back in high school, back when life felt equally as chaotic. You'd been there to witness Leah's breakdown when Sam abruptly left her for your cousin and watched Seth's older friends slowly distance themselves to join Sam's pack.

"You doin' okay?" A voice called out and you looked over your shoulder, peering up at Paul Lahote. You'd seen him around once or twice, though only properly met him at Sam's place a week prior. Since then, most of Sam's pack seemed to keep an eye on you. You chalked it up to Sam expressing concern over your tired state.

"As well as can be given everything." You responded and his face dropped, a grim frown appearing on his face. It was surprising to see him so... hurt and concerned. Leah had complained plenty of times about him over the phone, mentioning his overconfident and short-tempered behavior often.

"If you..." He trailed off, voice full of uncertainty. "If you need anything, I'm here. I'll get you whatever you want, whatever you need."

"That's really sweet of you, Paul." His eyes shot up to meet yours, smile tugging at his lips at your words. Your brows furrowed and you reached out to pat the sand beside you. Without a second of hesitation, Paul took the offer and sat down. His keen eyes remained on you and your face, constantly studying and analyzing. You pressed your lips together and his gaze jumped down to them, his expression suddenly becoming shy.

Oh, Christ...

"Paul..."

"Yeah?"

"Did you imprint on me?" You asked softly, watching his features contort into guilt. He dipped his head and sighed heavily, silently nodding and confirming your suspicions. You turned your attention back out to the waves and hummed quietly. The way your skin warmed and your stomach fluttered annoyed you, but you couldn't deny the relief of knowing the universe had given you a soulmate, someone who you'd spend the rest of your life with.

"I know it's not a good time but we can't control it. I was- I wanted to wait until after the funeral 'cause I knew you've been busy these past few weeks but just looking at you makes my chest hurt. I know we just met and you're Emily's cousin but I can't stand seeing you like this. I-I can keep my distance, if you want. I'll wait days, weeks, months until you want to talk-"

“Shut up and kiss me already, Paul."

[no-see-um-incorrect]

Concept #R1 “my favorite kind of beauty” Sam/Darlin ⚠️insecure Darlin⚠️ Sam being sappy. ya know the good shit (this takes place directly after the summit)

TAG: @frog-0n-a-l0g @weepingredwillow @everything-redacted-and-others @evansotherthoughts @cyc-chilla (if I forgot anyone please  tell me  and I’ll Tag you on the next)

When the two got home they threw themselves on the couch. exhausted from the nights events. they laid there for about 10 minutes until Sam hears a strange noise coming from his partner.

“either my hearings going or that’s your stomach Darlin” darlin looked at him with an exhausted scowl ”Darlin~ when’s the last time you had anything to eat?” They drop their head into the couch armrest ”I had a donut hole and a Red Bull this morning”

Sam sighs and gets up from the couch pulling his partner’s arm with him “NoOooOOoo- sAm DoNT! If I walk anymore, I’ll claps!” Sam adjusts his grip, and lifts them up by their torso ”if you can answer the door while you’re bleeding out  you can stand up after a party. Come on get up”

They finally stood up, looking at their mate as if he killed their dog. Sam laughed at the expression and  softly kissed their Forehead. “you gotta eat Darlin. I’ll fix you up something quick while you go get changed” Darlin starts walking backwards into the hallway “I hate you, your evil and mean, and your moms a hoe” Sam laughs to himself, and walks towards the kitchen. About halfway there he hears Darlin yell ”I LOVE YOU!” he stops for sec trying to compose himself  he’d be busting a gut at the comment, but he was too exhausted for that right now ”I love you too darlin!”

They walked into the bedroom. Took off almost all their clothes (just underwear or underwear and bra u pick) and place them into the hamper. They grab their pajamas out of the drawer and stand in front of the mirror.

“…..” they remembered the events that occurred just hours prior ”…… Alexis” they spend a few minutes in the mirror, analyzing themselves. Tracing every bump, scar and bruise.  a mental image of Alexis, flashing in their brain.  they had not thought about it. not until this moment, at least, the whole night, they were so focused on making sure Sam and their pack members had a good time they didn’t focus on anything else.

But now they’re left with their thoughts. Going through in their head, every action every touch every little thing  said. They remember seeing Alexis talking to Porter. There was lots of hustle and bustle and noise, but they remember hearing her say one thing one thing that they had stored in the back of their brain since they heard it.

What is the compartmentalizing purposeful?  or was there just so much happening at once  they couldn’t focus on it. But now, in the quiet of their own house with the distant noise of their mate in the kitchen

 they hear it

it’s getting louder 

“Downgraded”

Porter didn’t look too pleased, but then again, he never looked too pleased 

“Downgraded”

Bruises, bumps, cuts, dents.

Alexis didn’t have any of that. Alexis was smooth.  she looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Every curve in every right place.  she had no scars no bumps, no bruises or dents. she looked beautiful.

She looked beautiful

They didn’t feel beautiful

they didn’t look beautiful

“i’m not beau-DARLIN! FOODS READY!”

They were so occupied by their thoughts they completely forgot they were getting changed. they quickly get changed, and head to the kitchen. Their thoughts not totally leaving them. 

They walking to the kitchen as Sam is putting their food on the table “I told you I’d make something quick, so I made those goddamn Ramen noodles that you like so much” they sit down and take a whiff of the food in front of them “thanks Sam” they sounded occupied like their brain was somewhere else. And it was. 

 Despite how hungry They were their brain was to occupied to eat “does it taste OK darlin? Usually you would’ve inhaled it by now” they try to speak but the lump in their throat prevents it. All they can muster is a quiet “no, it’s good Sam….” That’s it he knew there was something wrong. Of course he can tell. he’s always been able to tell.

“everything all right darlin? you look like somethings weighing on you”

Their bottom lip quivered  as they held back tears. Hearing the concern in his voice felt like it was gonna tip the bucket. They know what they’re thinking is irrational, they know it’s stupid. They don’t want Sam to get upset or mad at the thought but  in the midst of trying to communicate  all they can make out is.

“I can’t tell you..it hurts” well shit now they have to tell him. “hey, what’s going on? you can tell me…I can’t promise that I can help, but something is better than nothing….if somethings bothering you I wanna know. I know there are some things you don’t wanna talk about and that’s completely fine but  I can tell that whatever you’re thinking about is putting a strain on you”

Yep there’s the bucket tipper. They rest their elbows on the table and cover their face with their hands. A few seconds past before they let out a quiet sob, they start trying to explain. Everything words melting together in between sobs at an almost incomprehensible speed. 

“Hey hey hey slow down. Shhh shhh. Take a deep breath darlin’ it’s OK” they managed to compose themselves “she’s so pretty Sam. Alexis…… she’s so pretty and so smooth and so perfect looking….. she looks like honey and glass…she’s so soft and she smells good….she’s beautiful……” they look down at their hands covered in calluses and cuts. “…..and I’m not…” Sam couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just hearing them talk about them selves like that brought tears to his eyes. 

“Darlin…you see the world through your eyes, your perspective, and that’s all well and good, but when it comes to looking at yourself, it’s about as good as being blind”  he softly reaches his hands up and holds their face looking them in their eyes 

(heads up, Sam is about to gush hard)

“when I see you and her next to each other it’s uncomparable…. i’m not just talking about personality wise. I’m talking about how every time I see your face I feel my face getting hotter. I’m talking about how I see you dancing I see you smile and I see you laugh and my heart stops… i’m talking about how under that moonlight the night we Met. My heart told me how much it loved you in a language I couldn’t speak yet. And it ain’t never felt like that with her….never. Not once” he pulled them closer making their foreheads touch.  “hell tonight you made me feel like a school boy on prom night…. I was waiting for you to get ready I felt all nervous…fuck Milo and Asher we’re making fun of me because I couldn’t stop staring…..I heard about what Alexis said Vinson’s partner told me….and I am so sorry that you had to hear that….I would’ve started a fight right then and there if Vincent didn’t advise against it”

He softly wiped their tears away. “ I know how you feel. because I felt it to…..and I know my words can’t fix everything. But I can be here whenever you need me even if you just text me even just a call and I’ll tell you how beautiful you are….Hell it’s embarrassing How long I could go on for about you….you’re my favorite kind of beauty….The kind of beauty With texture..kind of beauty with feeling, the kind of beauty that looks like they were carved from natures, favorite tree, the kind of beauty that gets even more perfect with every imperfection…” That smile. Shit that smile. they bury their face in his shoulder  “fuck Sammy!” they wrap their arms around his neck and pull him into a kiss. Both of their cheeks so red they’re almost glowing.  “shit you’re about to  make me cry for different reasons dammit!” he pulls them into his lap. And hold them tight, planting soft kisses up the shoulder to their jaw. “my darlin, my sweetie pie, my baby~” darlin giggles at the name  “sweetie pie! damn, you really are southern” they laugh with a small sniffle following.

“I think it’s time for us to put this day to rest… hold on tight darlin” he gently lifts them up by their thighs. As they wrap their arms around his neck. ”Sam I can walk” “just because you can doesn’t mean I want you to” he speeds to their room and lays on the bed. Still holding onto them as they lay their head on his chest. ”….hey Sam?” “yeah darlin?”  they hesitate for a moment. “can you do the thing?” he chuckles. “you’re gonna need to be a little more descriptive than that Darlin” they let out a sigh  “remember when I had that panic attack a little while back…and nothing was working, so you did the thing” he mouth and a quick oh OK and starts running his fingers through their hair slowly and methodically 

He starts to quietly hum a tune.

“🎶you are my sunshine🎶 my only sunshine🎶 you make me happy when skies are gray🎶 you’ll never know dear how much I love you🎶 please don’t take my sunshine away🎶 the other night dear🎶as I lay sleeping🎶  I dreamed I held  you in my arms🎶  when I awoke dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried🎶 you are my sunshine~ my only sunshine~ You make me happy~ when skies are gray🎶 you’ll never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my darlin away~🎶”  he looks down at his partner, snoring softly on his chest. Sleeping peacefully. his favorite site to see. He squeezes them a little tighter.  and kisses the top of their head.  “sweet dreams sleeping beauty. you deserve them���

Soon after Sam fell asleep. Holding his partner close. 

Oh wow. oh damn. (i’m not crying you are) moral of the story. Y’all are fucking gorgeous, Alexis is a Cunt and Sam is wifey, any questions……didn’t think so. Credits to @weepingredwillow for suggesting the song Sam sings (thank you mama) and yea hope you like it. Sorry if there’s any typos. 

 

[turboacek-blog]

Zutara and Kataang: my thoughts

Basically Zutara is the enemy to lovers ship

Kataang is the friendship to lover ship

Combine with other things like opposites attract, and love at first site and so on

With the Netflix adaptation stirring things up for this old ship rivalry just wanted to share some general thoughts

General thoughts as you can go anywhere for Zutara hints or why KatAang was actually good and don't need to analyze every moment

Enemies to Lovers

Disclaimer: I dislike the enemies to lover trope. It’s one of those things I genuinely don’t understand why they would like each other in most cases, as the cases I do like it it’s more like they’re the two friends that don’t gel as well like Sam and Freddie in iCarly not actual enemies on opposing sides of war, but I don’t feel this about Zutara due to Zuko

I brought up the ship tropes before as I think this shows more of the discourse amongst the fans

There’s a ton of people that love the enemies to lovers trope whether it be actual enemies or just the two friends that don’t get along that well and can argue/fight often

As people think things like opposite attracts or that when characters fight and argue and etc it shows their chemistry and potentially (sexual) tension of the two

And this isn’t every enemies to lovers ship but some people are genuinely more into the bad boy or bad girl or bad person, more than then opposite of good boy/girl/person

From appearance wise, some see dark and edgy > simple and clean, personality wise with crazy > generic heroic, to the story aspect as the dark story of the enemy can be more interesting then the normal story of the hero a lot of the time due to complexity and writing quality

Friends to lovers

On the flip side

Friendship to lovers is the ship that covers the exact opposite of enemies to lovers

As some believe you’re supposed to be with someone similar to you in morals, ethics, spiritually, emotionally, etc

And a way some people find that is through their friends / people in mutual interest group (sports, church, clubs, and so on)

It’s why there are tropes of the person finally realizing their best friend was the one or childhood friend were their perfect match

Let alone some people just like it more when people seem to enjoy being around each other in peace vs the opposite of fighting and arguing a lot

Aang-Katara-Zuko shipping stuff

So even after all that I do think some understand that and that isn't the cause of the divide for some

and their disagreements become more of a personal thing or how times have changed since the showed aired back in the early 2000s whether socially or just the fan themselves growing up

Like for example as I've seen this a lot, if you’re a girl it can be hard to put yourself in the place of Katara a 14 year old girl (which would be that 9th grader in high school range) being attracted to a 12 years old (essentially a 7th grader middle schooler (Aang) ) especially when that same girl was attracted to seemingly 16 year olds (11th graders before (Haru and Jet))

But I do think it’s not as cut and dry as a teen being attracted to a person two years younger as unbelievable as some also say that's a pretty shallow reason and people write those people off

Some think Aang is cringe for all his especially early attempts at flirting with Katara. Which not nonly ties into the age thing but the whole sometimes being persistent is bad and harassment which is more and more true as the years goes on as a lot of shows back then had that element of boy tries repeatedly and gets rejected repeatedly then eventually “wore her down”

And on the flipside Zuko harmed that group for a long time and even if unjustified Katara saw him as the representation of her hatred for a period which can have its own downsides when compared to things like abuse and not racism exactly but hating that whole nation almost (there’s a word but I can’t think of it)

They both have things against them

Some aspects just don't appear the same to different people

Like a popular example is the fortune teller episode

Where Katara only thinks of Aang as potential person for her when a fortune teller foresees it

The intention is this cosmic supernatural aspect saying these two are meant for each other

Destiny

Like on one hand Destiny can be super romantic like this person was destined for me, like this is my perfect match, they were made for me

On the other it can feel like you have no agency, like this is the only person for me? Am I just destined to be with this one person I might have never looked at in that way, am I allowed not to choose them?

Some people like that Katara realized Aang was a potential match via this supernatural aspect

Some hate it as it feels like Katara didn't come to become attracted to Aang naturally

On screen vs potential possibilities

Like it was kinda obvious Aang and Katara would end up together despite the distractions from guys like Jet. So the series being written that they naturally have more moments which leads to them being the ship makes sense

So whenever Katara kisses Aang cheek is just evidence that this clearly the ship

Vs

Even more than Aang and Zuko at times, Katara and Zuko are parallels so they're interactions even if on opposite sides can also be seen as evidence

But I think this on-screen and potential aspect is mostly on the Zutara side because of how the show went, which gives them more what-ifs

Like Zutara has a lot of what ifs like what if Zuko joined them in Ba sing se? Some genuinely think that would of kicked of Zutara for real

Let alone other aspects that I think people mostly like for story potential like if Katara marries Zuko she becomes the Queen of the fire nation which has a lot of story potential

It doesn't even have to be Zutara alone, can say if they did go Zutara for the writing back in Book 2 they could of easily wrote Taang (Toph and Aang) to be Aangs ship

As just minor example but Toph just being attracted to Aang and not Sokka from a writing viewpoint would make people like them as people like Tokka (Toph x Sokka) for similar reasons

Basically the show was building up to Aang x Katara and if they diverted from that there would be a decent amount of disappointed if literally all that changed was that at the end Katara kissed Zuko

But I think when people see the potential chemistry and interactions of different pairs not just Zutara but people like Sokka with Toph or maybe Katara should of just got with Haru they would have liked it if they wrote around those ships vs the KatAang one

Zutara thoughts

My quick thoughts on zutara is that for me…

I think this is more of a I like Zuko and Katara as characters but not necessarily together

Like I think if the show would of had Zuko with Ty Lee and not Mai people would feel different since Ty Lee is so loved while Mai seems more of an acquired taste and people might not like Zuko with Mai

Like I like Mai but her and Zuko together weren’t handled the best to me, even in the comics they broke up for a period where with Ty Lee at least she would be generally more well liked due to personality differences

Plus people really don’t like how they handled some of the more cringey moments of KatAang which is basically all on Aang which I’ll save for later

So when their main ships are not perfect I see the logic of putting them together along with all the other stuff I mentioned before

I however think what Zuko did while eventually forgiven by Katara doesn’t make him the best option for her but for Zuko Katara is lowkey the best option if we can’t put him with a Ty Lee or somebody like that

As Katara even if not with Aang I could put with someone like Haru or a hypothetically alive Jet whereas if Zuko isn’t with Mai he has the one off characters like the ba sing se girl (I forget her name, the one he went on an actual date with) but no one that comes back making Katara his next option it seems

KatAang thoughts

I don’t mind all the cringey stuff Aang has done lol

I think people really don’t like the kiss during the play as it’s one of those he kissed her without permission moments that gets people riled up as there are definitely examples and instances where it’s not ok irl and in media

But not even including the time the show came out in which definitely is a different time culturally than now

He kissed her before and didn’t have the same reaction and he’s 12/13 they’re allowed to make these mistakes

Plus even though she was confused and doesn’t outwardly say it all the time like Aang does, Katara did like Aang at this point at least that’s how I read it.

So it’s not like he kissed a girl that didn’t like him. Aang to me was basically asking her to be his girlfriend and she’s like maybe after the WAR, whereas he took it as doubt and tried to reassure her. To me it’s two people that like each other but are prioritizing different things as Aang just wants Katara and Katara wants this war over with

And could go on but all their cringey moments aren’t bad worse thing is how realistic some of it can be lol

I think the whole love at first sight and destiny and all that is take it or leave it though

As I know some people don’t believe in love at first sight or just don’t like that trope and that’s admittedly the basis of this ship

I think while they eventually worked up to it well I can see to some their beginning are just as shaky narratively as Zutara

Also Aang doesn’t really have another ship tbh, like someone pointed out that the only person Aang called pretty was Katara and the Painted Lady who was Katara lol

Like if they would have actually played into Ming from that fortune teller village, Toph the only other character his age or even someone like Ty Lee I can see an argument to not make Katara his main ship

Conclusion

I think the KatAang ship is harmless especially given their ages, the show release time period and just general point of the ship narratively therefore I think it’s a good ship

But I won’t lie and say especially earlier on that Zutara, Taang, and other possibilities wouldn’t have made some good if not even better stories depending how it was written just off potential

[cor-ardens-archive]

Dean/John Sam/John AND Sam/Dean incest triple threat let's GO

straight off the bat i can say i've never been able to even visualize sam/john, it's so weird to me! nothing against people who like it, i just don't see that fitting their relationship or the characters, whereas i do see dean/john as something that fits seamlessly with canon.

spn really evokes incest constantly, because the show is -- well, it's gothic, a kind of americana gothic. even without necessarily making it text, the terrors in spn involve dysfunctional families, child abuse, transgressive relationships, blurred boundaries, domestic horror, etc. dean/john is actually brought up textually more than once, though in offhanded and easily dismissible ways. (dismissible if you're not inclined to engage with it, but inescapable if you're inclined to see it.)

it's like. if you assume dean and john engaged in an incestuous relationship nothing about canon needs to change. in fact, it explains a lot about dean's character. he was groomed, that's already a fact, and i find it impossible, personally, to not connect it to incest. the way dean was made to fulfill a role of caretaker, not just taking care of sam but also taking care of john; his unwavering loyalty and obedience; his adoration of john and then his bitterness and acknowledgement that john was a terrible father who hurt him in irreparable ways; the fact that, despite knowing this, he'll always love his father; the way his position within the family has prevented him from "being with a woman"; how hell is still about john, always ("daddy's little girl, he broke") etc. etc. i love it. it's one of my favorite relationships of all time, and it's essential to my understanding of dean as a character, and how i feel about him. it’s the appeal of john as a character as well, his endless contradictions, how he behaves around his sons. he’s the demonic father-lover.

sam/dean is essential to me as well, in ways that are connected to dean/john. in a motherless household with a neglectful, abusive (and yet sometimes loving) father, the children don’t develop healthy boundaries, and that’s part of survival too. i think that aspect of it is sad (that their intimacy and mutual devotion are a response to childhood abuse and neglect) -- but it’s also beautiful that they could find that kind of love in those circumstances. and yet it’s not entirely idealized -- there’s intimacy between them, but there’s also a gap, a distance that makes their dynamic more compelling. they know each other better than anyone else, which gives them both the capacity to hurt the other more deeply than others could; and yet there always parts of themselves that they conceal from each other or which the other can’t entirely comprehend. that’s part of what makes their relationship so fascinating.

these are just some aspects of sam/dean that i like, but there are so many others, and anyway there’s so many people talking about them and analyzing their relationship much better than i could! but i love them, they’re so fucked up. they’re cathy/heathclif for the cw.

[ultraericthered]

Star Driver: The Final Phase

As promised, here is my take on what might’ve, could’ve, and should’ve followed the series’ main story in a movie or OVA. We got crumbs to follow in Star Driver: The Movie and I will be utilizing that, but the less said about what a crushing disappointment that movie was, the better. This here is the true final chapter of Star Driver!

Before the present day events proper, we’d likely get a glimpse into the ancient past where a species from a galactic archipelago beamed down to a southern ocean on Earth, forming an island on which to play out their conflict, one that ended with Kleis and the Outer Maidens creating Zero Time, sealing away Samekh and all of his Cybody forces, rendering them inactive on the island and unable to be apprivoised by any living being not bearing their marks of power.

In the present, with Zero Time broken and all Cybodies fully restored in the real world, a handful of Cybodies from the Glittering Crux get secretly shipped off by a team of turncoats led by Hideki Shibuya, AKA Professor SIlver, and delivered to the Crux’s sponsor, Leon Watanabe, who serves as the primary antagonist now. He orders the Cybodies be analyzed thoroughly so that they can mass produce them, to gain leverage in bartering and negotiations with the military, political leaders, and other international businesses in dealings that can increase his wealth and status within the global economy.

Several days after the events of the series finale, Wako and Keito, the Maidens still on the island, feel their Maiden marks returning from within themselves, signifying something is very wrong in the world and it involves the Cybodies. Wako was planning on traveling to Tokyo on the mainland to find auditions for her singing career, while Keito has been depressed and hanging out on the fishing boats with Mami. After seeing that their Cybodies can be apprivoised fully even outside of Zero Time, Takuto, Wako, and Sugata talk Keito and Mami into helping them, with the five of them riding a boat to the mainland. 

Elsewhere on the island, Kanako lets slip what her husband is up to, which draws concern from Midori Okamoto, who now does not want to see any more Cybodies falling into any more wrong hands. The Filament Trio also learn that Takuto and co. left for the mainland, and thery don’t stand for that. So Kanako, Takashi, Simone, Midori, Benio, Tetsuya, and George all board a ship out to the mainland.

Once in Shinjuku and after some character developing shit with Mami and Keito, the Power Trio finds themselves facing an onslaught of rouge mass-produced Cybodies rampaging through the streets. So...

....we get to see Wako and Sugata using their newly powered marks to transform into Galactic Pretty Boy forms, as seen in the movie.

We see the shrunken reborn Samekh, with young Sam’s soul fully reawakened within him and able to talk, as seen in the movie.

And we see Tauburn rising to protect the city, as seen in the movie.

We then learn that Professor Silver deliberately caused the malfunction that made the Cybodies go rogue so that he could sell Leon on the idea that Cybodies on their own aren’t enough and that they need to run more Cybody-human hybrid creating experiments.

There is a subplot back on the island where Reiji has fallen into a depressive slump and he can’t even paint anymore, and Ryousuke is not doing a particularly effective job serving as his personal therapist.

What changes the course for Reiji and Ryousuke is a visit from none other than Sarina and Vice, who share their secret with them and give them their own alien perception of time, that to them the past never fades, it merely overlaps with the forward flow into the future. What’s occuring now with the Cybodies is a new settlement of something that began long ago, and Reiji and Ryousuke may still have some part to play in seeing it through to its resolution point.

Back on the mainland, not only do we get to see Mizuno and Marino again and check in with how they’ve been doing, but our main character group gets to meet with Sakana (Fish Girl), who puts some of the remaining mysteries to rest. She’s a reincarnation of one of the original alien Maidens who has memories and knowledge of what went on in that galaxy long ago. She mentions how the King Cybody was the first Cybody, how Ayin’s coven sought its power for ages and created mech suits that functioned similarly and assimilated the souls of the aliens who apprivoised them, which also led to the creation of marks that were passed down to their inheritors. After the Cybodies were sealed into Zero Time, the galactic civilization that remained on the island ended up breeding with the humans who came there, resulting in bloodlines like the Shindo family and the Maiden Square.

As all the allied Star Drivers and Maidens join together to raid the secret Okinawa base where Leon is having the Cybodies made, we get the True Final Boss. Wanting to assert himself as a being of true greatness, Professor Silver betrays Leon and reveals he’d had Ayingott revived so that, with his own system, he can fuse himself and Ayingott together, and in this state suck dry the life energy of the Maidens to gain the power to subjugate the world as he pleases, with only those worthy of being merged with Cybodies getting to survive and work under the new Glittering Crux regime. As he puts it, he’s “bringing the world into the fifth phase!” He and Ayingott merge into a singular abomination that all the Star Drivers present must battle.

And just when things seem darkest, it’s...Reiji Miyabi to the rescue?  Still in possesion of Sinpathy’s mark that Shingo gave him, Reiji apprivoises in order to use Sinpathy’s power to take parts and abilities off from other Cybodies and grant them all to Tauburn, even from Samekh himself! This turns Tauburn into a veritable Voltron of Cybodies! (Also, Reiji would finally address Takuto as his son here, though he and Takuto don’t forgive each other). This on its own still isn’t enough to overcome the empowered Ayingott, but the combined power of the Maiden Square weakens the monstrosity. Unlike Window Star, Silver has been too deeply consumed by Ayingott to be saved, so he is destroyed by Tauburn’s ultimate Tau Beam along with the evil Cybody, and Leon Watanabe is taken off to be hospitalized.

Once back to civilization, the Entrapeople appear to settle things in regards to the Cybodies. Having observed everything, they are now at last ready to act in one way - they’ll return the Cybodies to their home galaxy, away from the reach of humans. However, the Star Drivers will keep their marks, meaning the connection between them and their Cybodies will go unsevered, and that one day when they can figure out the best practical use for Cybodies and how to safely utilize their final phase, the Cybodies may be returned to Earth. 

And for a last minute surprise, Takuto is reunited with his mother, Sora. She and Reiji acknoweldge each other as well, but don’t say much to each other, their time together long in the past. She does express some interest in reconnecting with Ryousuke, so they’ll keep in touch. Reiji also gets to see Sakana again, offering to give her support in whatever career she decides to seek, and for old time’s sake they look out at the falling snow, with Sakana finally getting to say the line “The winter breeze...it came again this year.”

We then of course get an epilogue that shows us the adventure of life going on, how everyone on Southern Cross island is doing that winter, and the final scene we got in the movie with Takuto, Sugata, and all four Maidens plus Marino meeting up together in Tokyo.

[golbrocklovely]

I liked this video. I had fun watching it but imo they have to drop the skit thing. Personally, I don't like it, it's not that funny and it sounds VERY disrespectful. I'm also not a big fan of provocations but I think I can deal with this lol I enjoyed this new type of Estes method. It was interesting and I got impressed with how many words they got it! It was nice to see just the two alone on an investigation for a change. For the sake of the content, I prefer them challenging each other more rather than keeping the skits

yeah i think this video was actually really good. but i 100% agree with you - the skits gotta go. idk why snc started doing them or why they think they gotta keep them up bc personally i don't think they really add anything to the video. like i'm not enjoying the content more bc you guys pend 30 mins filming a skit of how someone died. if anything, that's insulting to the spirits and i just think their time would be better suited actually doing something relevent to the investigation and not mimicing the final moments of someone's life.

bare minimum, it's insulting. worse, you're pissing off a spirit that otherwise would have been nice towards you so…. good luck with that boys.

but moving on from that, i actually enjoyed the dual estes method. i think that was really interesting. i'm gonna have to go back and actually analyze what the questions and answers were.

and the challenges were a bit strange this time around, but i didn't mind them. sam really wanted to make colby die, for some reason. and all this proved to me is that colby really do be into bdsm so that's fun sksksks

either way, loved the video. i really miss their non-collab investigations so hopefully them see this video trend at #1 shows them how much we all as a group miss them just doing investigations by themselves.

[scoobydoodean]

Shy Anon here. I got HARDCORE Dean Stan in the quiz. It's funny cuz well. I used to hate Sam a lot up until recently (i was 13 when i started watching, I'm now 25). But now i just. Tolerate him? Because Dean loves him, and so I try.

Like i don't care about Sam or Cas, i have plenty of other characters I love. Like Ree. Ree my dearly beloved. I actually think that nickname will identify me in the fandom because I'm the only one that uses it but 🤷🏻🤷🏻🤷🏻🤷🏻

And yes. Plenty of things happened to me in this fandom over the years. I grew up in it. I got bullied. I had anon hate thrown at me, and this especially because I do not ship Destiel but i have plenty of Rare Dean Ships. I changed blogs a few times because of it. Whatever. I've learned to just stay in the Dean-side or neutral-Side of the fandom

I think a lot of people find themselves trying to tolerate one character or another, because we all analyze the chars usually starting out from just one char's perspective (or they might do things that dig into very specific hangups for us). As you know, I consider myself to be TFW positive, but if you were worried about it, I don't stop people from following me who don't like one char or another—even Dean. I doubt anyone with extensive issues with Dean follows me on this blog (unless it's a hate follow lmao) but Dean crits and Dean antis follow me on my other blog, and I don't care as long as they aren't constantly being annoying in my notes (because I actually mod the posts on that blog to keep the mood light-hearted for followers—anything overly nasty about a char gets removed so if someone is being annoying a lot, it gets to be a lot of work to mod and they might get blocked, but it's very rare that that happens).

I know I've told you over DM's Shy, but I'm really sorry to hear about the way people have treated you over some harmless rarepairs. I think it's a damn shame that some people in this fandom have such thin skins that they develop animosity toward people just for shipping something besides destiel (or other things), and I don't know why some people feel an entitlement to be so cruel about, what is, at the end of the day, all of us enjoying a TV show. I have seen some absolutely vile bullying happen in our fandom at times that will simply never ever make sense to me—who is doing that or how utterly pathetic and depraved and miserable they have to be to do what they do.

The destiel side of fandom can be really fun to engage with (because some of them will be happy to engage with you and others won't and the ones who will engage are generally nice), but interacting with the destiel fandom is also kind of like playing with fire—even for people firmly entrenched in that community. From an outside perspective though, you have a post that makes it too far into that community and someone who isn't as nice and kind stumbles across it and reblogs it to their toxic little circle and suddenly shit hits the fan. Some people are just unbelievable assholes, and I think destiel, being the biggest of the spheres we all drift through in this fandom, is naturally going to contain more people like that because the share of toxicity is (usually) proportional to size. But then if someone gets mad at you... it is, again—proportional to size, so instead of having like... 2 toxic non-shippers screaming at you from a total draw of less than 50 who make posts, you have... way more people to deal with than that. I understand wanting to stay away from that for safety—especially with a previous bad experience. Please know if you ever have issues with bullies, you can always come to me. I can't always promise much besides emotional support, but there have been a couple of small situations where I've been able to do a little more than that. Regardless, this blog is a safe place for you and you are always welcome here. <3

[hahahahahangst]

Saturday night (Be The Young 44)

TW: [suicidal thoughts, self h*rm, violence] Other tags: [sister fic, canon-level violence, angst] All chapter titles are song titles, some of them translated from Italian songs. We start from the first season and make out way through the series. I will occasionally break canon✨ .

Summary: Emily Reed, born and raised in Portland, is preparing her admission papers for Stanford, medical school. One night, a fire erupts in her house. All that is left is a letter and a name: John Winchester.

"After reading this whole letter, call John Winchester. [...] He’s your real father."

NOTE: if you’re just starting out reading this, I suggest you READ THIS FIC ON AO3, as I posted this on there in a REVISED, somewhat EXPANDED version, including journal entries and more accurate tags.

BTY MASTERLIST

GENERAL MASTERLIST

Saturday night

You know, I called not because of something important But just so you could give me A valid reason not to pull the trigger But that wouldn't change the fact I’m already dead.

Emily and Dean spent the following weeks only by themselves. Sam had left and they only heard from him once, when he told them he was Lucifer’s vessel.

She had not heard his voice since he had left and even though she was still pretty upset at what had happened, being alone with Dean was starting to not feel right anymore. There had not been any big fights. 

Actually, to Emily’s surprise. There had not been any fights at all. She was on edge, walking on eggshells, as if one wrong step could destory the whole card castle they had built.

And even if she had been growing to hate her powers, she started to miss someone to share glimpses of emotions with. She could not help but look back to it. 

That’s why when Dean suggested calling him back, she accepted. 

They drove to the meeting point. Dean and Sam talked a bit, but Emily stood back, not really knowing what to say. She crossed her arms and tapped her fingers on her elbow. Later that night, Dean sent her and Sam to buy some beer to stock in the car as well as some food.  

“You’ve been quiet.” Said Sam as they walked in the supermarket. “That’s not like you.” 

“I really don’t know what to say.” She glared at Sam and then went back to analyzing different cereal brands. “Not that it matters, since you can probably hear half of what I think.” 

"Well, how are you doing?” 

Emily unexpectedly stopped in front of the condiment aisle and Sam needed a couple of steps to realize. "I've been worse- do you think Dean would appreciate some ranch on his sandwich?” 

"Yeah, why not.” Said Sam, quickly taking the ranch bottle and throwing it in the basket. Emily raised her eyebrows at the sudden rush and kept walking. "By the way, I just realized- You and Dean have been doing weirdly fine lately.”

"True. It's nice to finally have someone that sides with me.” She said, distracted by the food on the shelves. 

"Emily, I've always been on your side.” 

Emily stopped and looked at the floor, avoiding Sam’s gaze. "Well, not always.” Sam also stopped walking. "Look, I understand- You want to start fresh, you want to make it right.” She sighed. “But we can’t pretend nothing happened.” Sam nodded, sad. “It’s good to have you back though.” Emily finally smiled at Sam. “I missed having your weird ass around.” 

When they came back in the motel, they found Dean getting ready to leave. “Going somewhere?” Asked Emily, dropping her plastic bag on the table. 

“Yes, Castiel found Crowley. Come on, let’s go- We’ll eat on the way. Ellen and Jo are also coming.” 

“Oh-Alright, want to drive?” Emily handed the car keys to Dean and then looked at Sam, starting to slowly walk towards the door. Dean took the keys and then Emily pumped her eyebrows up twice to Sam before screaming “I call shotgun!” And starting to sprint towards the Impala. 

“Hey, no- that’s my spot!” Sam tried to catch up to her, but she had too much advantage and even if Sam was way taller than her, he could not reach the car before her. Showing him her tongue, she entered the car and sat down next to Dean. 

“You guys in a good mood?” Asked Dean, starting the car. Emily shrugged, enjoying her passenger seat privileges and selecting a tape to listen to. “Good,” Continued Dean. “I’m glad you’re not about to punch either of us for once.” Dean smirked. Sam took place in the backseat, uncomfortable for the lack of space. Emily looked at him and chuckled. 

“You comfortable behind there, Samantha?” She raised her eyebrows. He showed her the finger. 

“So…” Asked Dean a while later. “You and Jo a thing?” He briefly looked over at Emily. 

“Not that my sex life is any of your business…” Scoffed Emily. “-but no. We decided it was better not to get involved. You know, given the fact it’s the literal apocalypse.” Dean shrugged and was about to answer, but Sam’s telepathic message covered his words.

Maybe he just wants to make sure he has free range

Emily let out a giggle. 

“What?” Asked Dean. “Did you hear what I said?” 

Emily looked back at Sam, who briefly looked at her and suggestively raised his eyebrows. 

“Sorry, you- you were saying?” 

“I said it’s better this way, Jo is family, you know.” 

Yeah, that’s the reason Said Sam’s voice in the back of Emily’s head. She started laughing again. 

“What?” Repeated Dean. “Oh- I see, you’re doing your miracle girls thing!” He rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about behind my back? Uh?” 

“It’s a miracle girls thing.” smirked Emily. “You wouldn’t understand.” Sam kept smiling in the back of the car. 

“Very funny.” Dean rolled his eyes again. 

They arrived at Bobby’s house and started getting ready. The good mood spreaded to the rest of the group. As Emily saw Jo laugh and smile, almost like the apocalypse was not hanging over them, she almost regretted deciding to not be with her. The second the thought landed in her brain, Sam scowled at her through the room. 

“Hey, Castiel and I are going to have a drinking contest, your brother said you go hard, wanna tag in?” Asked Ellen as Emily was folding some clean clothes in her room. She followed her and sat in front of Castiel and a row of shots. 

“Alright, Cassie, are you ready to lose?” She asked. Castiel didn’t answer. 

Ellen gave the signal and in turn, they all drank their shots. At the end, Emily squeezed her eyes, trying to get rid of the burn the alcohol gave her, and looked up at the angel in front of her. For a second, her eyes blurred and she could have sworn in front of her was Ramiel, but after clearing her vision, it was back to being Castiel. He looked perfectly okay. Emily, however, was already drunk.

“I’m starting to feel something.” The angel said, his eyes tightening as he focused. Emily stood up, admitting defeat, and realized her legs were starting to give up on her. 

“Yup, I should not-” She stumbled. “Should not have played this.” Emily mumbled. She walked to the living room, where Jo was having a beer alone. “Nope-” Said Emily, turning around all of a sudden and almost falling to the floor. 

“Are you drunk?” Smiled Jo. 

“What makes you think that?” Emily leaned on the doorframe. 

“Alright-” Jo stood up and walked towards Emily. “Maybe it’s better if you go get some rest, okay?” She started walking her towards the library, where Dean and Sam were. 

“You shouldn’t be this close to me, you know?” Said Emily, stumbling through the hall. “I might decide to kiss you.” 

Jo smiled. “God, you and Dean really are siblings, aren’t you?” She started walking Emily towards the library. “Can’t resist the temptation for three whole seconds.” As they arrived, Dean and Sam raised their heads from the books they were reading, confused. 

“What’s going on?” Asked Sam, worried.

“She got drunk.” Jo raised her eyebrows and helped Emily sit on a couch. “Though I would return her to you before she did something she would regret.” She smiled and left.

It wasn’t long in the mission until the entire good mood was completely destroyed. One moment she was drunk on the couch, laughing at Dean who struck out with Jo, and the following moment she was trying to hold Jo’s interiors together with stationary. 

Dean was in the room next to them, trying to contact Bobby. Emily looked at Jo’s eyelids slowly moving up and down. She knew exactly what was going on. She knew she was not going to survive it. 

“Jo, I’m sorry, I-” She barely managed to seal the last bandage she had on hand. Her hands were shaking so hard it was difficult for her to hold anything. Jo’s cold hand landed on her wrist. 

“It’s okay… you did everything you could.” Emily nodded and tried to keep it together. 

Crying was only going to make it worse. “Yeah.” She whispered. She looked at Ellen. “I’ll be right back, okay?” She stood up and walked to Dean. He found him leaning on a wall, only his hand separating his head from the concrete. She touched his shoulder, making him turn. She fought all her tears back. “What did Bobby say?” 

“He said it’s a ritual. Lucifer is trying to summon Death.” He stopped for a second, clearly trying to stop himself from saying something. “How’s Jo doing?” He finally asked. 

“I did what I can, but-” She cut off, looking behind her brother. “Sorry.” She closed her eyes and heard Dean leave the room. 

She heard Sam’s voice in the back of her head. Emily, keep it together. It’s our best shot if we want to survive. She looked behind her. There he was, standing in the doorframe. 

I don’t know how long I can keep it together. Sam, she- she’s going to die.

As much as she tried to not think of the full phrase, she could not control where her mind went or what got through to Sam. He didn’t answer, but he did offer her a hug. She fell into his embrace and tried to use the comforting sensation to recollect herself. When Dean called them into the other room, Emily rubbed her eyes and then led the way, trying to convince herself that everything was going to be okay. It became soon apparent that it was not going to. 

As Jo explained her suicidal plan, Emily’s vision became blurry as she felt her limbs starting to tingle and go numb at the same time. Soon, as she tried to help out building the bombs, she had to stop, her breath starting to get shorter and heavier.

“Oh come on-” She whispered, pleading to her body not to send a panic attack at that crucial moment. “Not now.” Dean briefly looked back at her, worried. 

“Emily, are you-” 

“No! Obviously not!” She answered, bitter. Dean put down the tools he was holding and also took those which she was holding. 

“Go sit down.” 

“No, it’s okay, I just need a moment-” Emily tried to stand back up, but the more weight she put on her legs, the less they held her up. Dean looked at her, increasingly worried. 

“No, you need to sit down and pull it together, man, I’m gonna need you to run in less then ten minutes.” Emily rested her hands on her knees to hold herself up and looked at Dean. He pointed at the room where Jo was. “Come on.” 

Emily slid on the dirty wall and sat in front of Jo. 

“You look terrible.” Said her, having trouble keeping her eyes open, but a faint smile still clearly painted on her face. 

“I wish I could say I still look better than you, but-” Emily tried to steady her breath. “...but even for a dying girl you still look fantastic.” Jo shook her head. 

“They say beauty is pain, right?” Jo weakly painted at her bandages. Emily scoffed. She closed her eyes and tried to get control over her breathing and her shaky limbs. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to be together.” Continued Jo. 

“In another universe we would have made a hot ass couple.” 

“Yeah, and your brother would have tried to break us up every day.” Jo weakly laughed.

Emily smiled. “For sure.” She started feeling her legs again. “But you know… Hunters’ oldest rule, right? Can’t get attached.” She suddenly became serious. 

“Yeah.” Whispered Jo.

“Yeah.” 

“We’re ready.” Said Dean’s voice. Emily opened her eyes and stood up. She took one big breath. “You doing okay?” 

“Not sure if this qualifies as good, but I can run, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

Emily knew that Jo would have died bloody the day she met her. After all, it was every hunter’s faith. What she didn’t see coming, was that she was going to go that soon and like that. The sound of the explosion made her ears ring for a good day. The back of Emily’s mind was filled by the sound of the explosion repeating over and over again. At night, she covered her ears, trying to get rid of the sound, but of course- it didn’t work.

When she finally touched the couch at Bobby’s place, she didn’t cry. She just laid on it, occupying half of the space. She knew the other half was going to be occupied by Dean soon. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the ceiling. 

As she had thought, Dean did the exact same thing on the other end of the couch. Just, he brought a bottle of whiskey. 

That’s where they stayed for the following twenty four hours. Sam tried to talk to them, Bobby tired to talk to them, but the oly answer they got were: “Shut the fuck up” and scowls. 

They didn’t speak much with each other, either. In the entire time they were there, they only exchanged one dialogue. 

“You want to talk about it?” Had asked Emily, already quite drunk. 

“No.” Dean grabbed the bottle and drank more.“Good.” She whispered. “Let’s never talk about it.”

[mariacallous]

Since the start of Moscow’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Telegram channels have become one of the Russian authorities’ most powerful tools for promoting their narratives of the war in Ukraine and spreading disinformation. Readovka, a channel that gets its instructions directly from a pro-Kremlin autonomous nonprofit organization (ANO) called Dialog, exemplifies the shift. After years of branding itself as a “liberal” outlet, Readovka abruptly morphed into a “patriotic” one after the start of the full-scale war, and its popularity skyrocketed. Meduza analyzed some of the “news” Readovka has published on the Kremlin’s orders — and dug into the story of how its founder tried (and failed) to branch into the military uniform supply business.

‘He always wanted to be in the center’

Readovka was first launched in Russia’s Smolensk region in 2011 as a “community” on the Russian social media network VKontakte. Its founder was Alexey Kostylev, a native of the area who, by his own account, was simultaneously running the news page, working in the construction sector, and writing poetry. Within a few years, he was devoting more attention to his media ambitions, and in 2014, Readovka became a full-fledged local news agency. In 2020, Kostylev started a separate division of the outlet in Moscow.

Before 2022, Readovka was never considered a pro-government outlet (though it was sometimes called a right-wing source for some of its coverage of ethnic conflicts in Central Asia). After Russia launched its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, however, it quickly rebranded as an “ultra-patriotic” channel, and its readership rapidly increased. While Readovka had just over 200,000 subscribers in January 2022, by the end of that March, the number had grown to nearly one million and counting. The channel currently has almost 1.7 million subscribers.

“In March [2022], our newsroom literally turned into a cult,” one former Readovka employee told Meduza. “Editor-in-chief Alexey Kostylev started rounding up employees and lecturing us about how the world had changed with the start of the war, and how we needed to accept the new course of events, not ask questions, and trust the information he was giving us.”

According to this person, “Kostylev always wanted to be in the center; it didn’t matter what he was in the center of.” He achieved this, the source said, by networking at various events. That’s how he met two of his “patrons” — All-Russia State Television and Radio Broadcasting Company host Andrey Medvedev and former Odesa City Council deputy Igor Dimitriev. Shortly before the start of the war, the source told Meduza, Dimitriev introduced Kostylev to several senior managers at the Russian Defense Ministry’s press service, while Medvedev put him in touch with Vladimir Tabak, the head of the Dialog autonomous nonprofit organization.

The Moscow authorities created Dialog in 2019 for the express purpose of facilitating better communication between themselves and city residents. Soon after, the Kremlin decided to expand the organization to the federal level and commissioned a service that would allow citizens throughout the country to voice concerns, RBC reported, in February 2020, citing a source close to the Kremlin. In fact, Dialog was creating Internet propaganda at the Kremlin’s request, publishing advertisements for things like Russia’s 2020 round of constitutional amendments and its 2022 mobilization campaign. Initially, the organization was led by Alexey Goreslavsky, who had previously served as the deputy director of the Putin administration’s public projects team and the Kremlin's former Internet policy curator. In 2021, Goreslavsky left to head up the Internet Development Institute, and was replaced at Dialog by Vladimir Tabak, who’s best known for creating an erotic calendar addressed to Vladimir Putin and available for public sale.

After meeting Tabak, Kostylev decided to start covering the news according to the “guidelines” developed for pro-Kremlin outlets by Dialog. Meduza has obtained messages from Dialog employee Darya Bogdanova, in which she sent Readovka a list of topics to be covered, as well as screenshots of Readovka employees’ work chats.

The news items mentioned in the messages:

“Ovsyannikova — prepared by Western media to divert attention from explosion in Donetsk”;

“Video on creation of nuclear bomb in Ukraine”;

“White House asked popular TikTok bloggers to blame Russian President Vladimir Putin for rising fuel prices in U.S., Fox Business reported”;

“Working out unemployment — comment [from Russian Economic Minister Maxim] Reshetnikov”;

“Resilience of the economy — comments from experts”;

“Labor guarantees for workers at frozen businesses”

How ‘Readovka’ covered these topics:

“Ovsyannikova — prepared by Western media to divert attention from explosion in Donetsk.” On March 14, 2022, twenty people were killed by a Russian missile strike in Donetsk. The Russian Defense Ministry declared that the missile was from Ukraine. That evening, Marina Ovsyannikova, an employee of the Russian state TV network Channel One held up an anti-war sign on a live broadcast. Pro-Kremlin outlets, including Readovka, repeated allegations that Ovsyannikova’s protest was “orchestrated by NATO.”

“Video on creation of nuclear bomb in Ukraine.” On March 6, Russian pro-government media, citing an “informed source,” reported that a “nuclear weapon” was being “secretly developed” at an institute in Kharkiv. Pro-war Telegram channels like Readovka widely disseminated these claims, as well as reports that Ukraine was working to create a “biological weapon.”

“White House asked popular TikTok bloggers to blame Russian President Vladimir Putin for rising fuel prices in U.S., Fox Business reported.” The news that the Biden administration was working with popular TikTok users to spread the message that Putin was responsible for high gas prices in the U.S. was reported by multiple Russian government-controlled media outlets and pro-Kremlin Telegram channels. Readovka misleadingly characterized statements White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki made to TikTokers as instructions or tasks rather than answers in a Q&A session.

“Working out unemployment — comment [from Russian Economic Minister Maxim] Reshetnikov;” “Resilience of the economy — comments from experts;” and “Labor guarantees for workers at frozen businesses.” On March 16, Russian Economic Development Minister Maxim Reshetnikov took part in a meeting with Putin dedicated to economic support measures for Russia’s regions. After that, pro-Kremlin Telegram channels started regularly repeating Reshetnikov’s statements about the state of the Russian economy.

Kostylev gets into the uniform business

Alexey Kostylev’s collaboration with the Russian authorities didn’t stop with his decision to follow the Dialog’s “guidelines.” In the spring of 2022, at a Russian Defense Ministry meeting that included representatives of pro-war media outlets, the conversation turned to the shortage of winter uniforms for soldiers. Kostylev reportedly volunteered to supply a portion of the uniforms. His “starting task” was to send 1,000 winter uniforms to the self-declared Luhansk and Donetsk “people’s republics,” according to a source who was involved in the wholesale purchase of Chinese goods and was familiar with Readovka’s plans at the time.

During that same period, “war correspondent” Mikhail Potepkin, who came under U.S. sanctions two years earlier for heading the Wagner Group front company Meroe Gold, began working for Readovka. According to a former Readovka employee who spoke to Meduza, Potepkin was still working with entities belonging to Wagner Group founder Evgeny Prigozhin and was tasked with keeping track of Kostylev’s procurement of winter coats.

The person Kostylev charged with organizing the purchase of the uniforms in China and transporting them to Russia was Ilya Prints, the husband of Readovka senior editor Elizaveta Prints, two sources told Meduza. In their account, Elizaveta Prints is Kostylev’s “right hand” — after February 24, she headed up the outlet’s “rollout of foreign broadcasting,” which refers to its English-language version, Readovka World (which has 14,000 subscribers on Telegram), and the channel’s office in the Donbas.

Ilya Prints had not previously worked at Readovka, but he does have a sole proprietorship registered in the Smolensk region. In November 2022, Kostylev registered two LLCs: “Prints Corporation,” which specializes in wholesale clothing and footwear, and “Barkhat Tim,” which specializes in “non-clothing textile products.” He planned to use these companies to import ordinary winter coats from China and sew various Russian military units’ insignias on them, Meduza’s sources said. According to them, the contract promised to be lucrative: the Russian Defense Ministry had previously purchased sets of winter military uniforms at prices ranging from 15,000 to 100,000–200,000 rubles (a range from $194 to $2,588), depending on the fabric used.

But by the time Kostylev reached a deal with his Chinese supplier, China had blocked exports of khaki-colored winter coats to Russia in order to avoid violating Western sanctions, according to a source (Meduza was unable to independently verify this information). As a result, Kostylev’s plan failed, a source who works for a firm that supplies goods from China and who knows Ilya Prints personally told Meduza. A former Readovka employee confirmed that Kostylev, Elizaveta, and Ilya Prints did not fulfill the contract.

After their failure to supply the uniforms, according to two former Readovka employees, Kostylev “walked around white-faced,” while Potepkin was “enraged.” Potepkin resigned from the outlet and went on to work on other Defense Ministry contracts with different suppliers, while Readovka continued publishing the news stories ordered by Dialog.

Neither Kostylev nor Dialog head Vladimir Tabak responded to Meduza’s questions. Potepkin said that he worked at Readovka until mid-December, that his only role was as a columnist, and that he’s “not aware of any supplies of anything.” Evgeny Prigozhin’s press service responded to Meduza’s questions about the tycoon’s work with Readovka and the supply of military uniforms by saying, “This isn’t publicly important information, [and] you fall under the category of provocative and hostile media, so we don’t consider it appropriate to answer your request.”

After this report was originally published in Russian, Alexey Kostylev posted the following message on Telegram:

For some reason, we thought that these once-respected journalists would report on our development over the past year, if from a position of hostility. But to our surprise, the foreign agent outlet instead released this shameless bullshit that’s absolutely incoherent and illogical.

The following day, March 23, Readovka announced the launch of its own clothing brand, under which it plans to sell, among other things, winter coats.

[ksoomilk]

A Perfect Autumn Breeze (Part 3)

As you spot her, talking to Kareem, one of Joonyoung’s friends, you hear someone loudly and brashly say, “Why’d we have to come to this boring place?!”

You look up in annoyance and shock at someone’s ability to ignore museum etiquette. You see a woman walking up to Kareem and N with an irritated look on her face. You glance at Joon who sighs and glances at you before gently taking your hand and walking over to them. 

As you both approach the group of three, Joon says, sounding annoyed himself, “You didn’t have to come. I told you I didn’t think you would like it.”

“But I wanted to hang out with you!” she exclaims, and steps forward, moving to grab Joonyoung’s hand. Joonyoung snatches the hand that isn’t holding your away, then uses it to brush through his hair nonchalantly. The woman looks annoyed again. She spots Joon’s other hand wrapped around yours and scoffs. You and N exchange a look of confusion. 

“Hello...” you start, not sure if now is the time to introduce yourself to this woman. You and N have meet Kareem before, but this woman is a mystery.

“Oh, yeah, um this is Marissa. Marissa, meet Z and N.” Joonyoung uses the hand that isn’t holding yours to gesture between you all. 

Marissa grumbles a quiet “....Hi” still looking at your and Joon’s clasped hands. 

When it becomes clear that the air is officially awkward, Kareem claps his hands, “And I’m Kareem! But you already knew that, how could anyone forget a face this handsome?” He says, using his thumb and forefinger to make a V under his chin. “Now let’s look at some art!”

“Yeah!” you exclaim, “Is it just us?” You ask, looking up Joonyoung.

“Ah, no, Samantha and Michael are here....around here....somewhere..,” He sentence fading off as he looks around doesn’t see his other friends. N hasn’t meet Sam and Mike, but you have, and they are definitely nicer people than this Marissa girl appears to be so far.

The afternoon starts off very nice. The museum is basically empty so it’s like your group has it all to themselves. Kareem and N get along great, and you and Joonyoung both seem to have the same taste in art. You even catch up to Sam and Mike, who had gone ahead of the group. At some point you notice that everyone else seems to always be on the completely opposite side of whatever painting you and Joonyoung are intrigued in. At first, the Marissa woman was almost glued to Joonyoung’s side, but it became clear that you and Joonyoung knew far more about the arts, than she. After so many times of her trying to change the topic of conversation or say something to Joonyoung and him almost ignoring her completely, eventually she slinked off to join the other side of the group.

 As you enter the next section of the exhibit, you make eye contact with N, who smiles at you, then you catch Kareem’s eye and he winks at you and gives you a thumbs up. This makes you realize they’re doing it on purpose. They’re trying to give you and Joonyoung some private space. You grin at them both, then turn back around to the painting Joonyoung is talking excitedly about.

Joonyoung is just as eager to learn about the paintings and artists and art eras as you, and your discussion keeps you wrapped in your own little world, but you do occasionally hear Marissa calling something stupid or boring. That’s fine, people are entitled to their own opinions, especially about something as objective as art. 

But just as you and Joonyoung are in a deep conversation appreciating and analyzing the differences between Rococo and Baroque, you hear Marissa once again,

“This is BORING! And I’m hungry! Let’s go get something to eat!” 

She’s not even trying to keep her voice down, and she’s whining almost like a toddler. You walk into the final area of the exhibit, and to your surprise, everyone is sitting down in the seating area in front of the gift shop. But you’ve only just entered this section of the museum, they couldn’t have possibly looked at everything already! You check your watch and it reads 6:42pm. You try to think back to when you arrived and realize you’ve been here for almost 3 hours!

You turn to Joon and motion for him to come along with you towards the group. 

“You guys done already?” You ask as you approach.

The group gives a general affirmative but Marissa, seemingly exasperated, sighs, “We were done 2 and a half hours ago-”

Samantha interrupts, “No, you were done 2 and a half hours ago.” Samantha looks at you and meekly adds, “the rest of us were done 45 minutes ago.”

You gasp, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Kareem and Mike say in perfect, sing song unison, “How could we bring ourselves to interrupt the love birds?”

You and Joon look at each, then you at the floor and Joon at the ceiling. You clear your throat, “Well, we don’t want our friends just sitting here bored. Should we do something else?”

“Yeah, like get something to eat!” exclaims Marissa. “Some of us are actual adults, and need to keep our womanly figures full of energy.” She states, eyeing you and N sideways.

Mike starts, “Womanly figures, whatever that means, aside, I could eat. And there’s a Red Robin up the street. We could stay out of the cold and sit and chat.”

You look at N. She is your ride after all and you don’t want to keep her out any longer than she wants to be, and you also don’t want to go out to eat unplanned. Nowadays, your general diet is not super strict in your opinion, but there are some things you just don’t do. And eating out at C class family atmosphere  restaurants is one of them. Nothing against them, but the foods served there are usually major calorie, sugar, and sodium bombs.

Unfortunately for you, N agrees. Well, what can you expect, she has never had to watch her figure much. She is genuinely one of the naturally slim types. And that is how you find yourself sitting in a dimly lit Red Robin tucked in between N and Joonyoung, while Kareem sits on the Joonyoung’s other side. Across the table sits Samantha, directly in front of N, Marissa, directly in front of you, and Mike, sort of in front of Kareem instead of in front of Joon. You realize that Mike is sort of pushed to the side due to Marissa’s size.

It was here in this Red Robin that you really noticed Marissa and Samantha’s looks for the first time. Both of them are....generously sized to say the least, with Marissa having considerably more size than Samantha. Samantha is, in your opinion, very pretty. She’s wearing close fitting jeans with a cute white t-shirt tucked in that says, “Keep Moving Forward” in a reference to the Meet the Robinsons movie. Simple black sneakers, a black purse, and a jean jacket that she has removed and thrown over the back of her section of booth complete the look. She has blonde hair thrown up in a cute messy bun, a few acne scars here and there, and her cheeks seem to be permanently tinted a lovely shade of pink. She has wispy and dainty eyebrows, a warm and inviting smile and wide blue eyes that sparkle like the ocean. She has a laugh that makes the people around her laugh, and for some reason, you want her to think you’re pretty too. You listen when she speaks and beam when you say something she likes or laughs at.

Marissa on the other hand....The first thing you noticed was that despite her large size, she was not wearing a bra. And that’s completely her choice! But when she is wearing a very loud dark blue form fitting dress that has a large section of the chest cut out, you can’t help but find it distracting. The dress in general, in your opinion, is not very flattering for her body shape. Aside from the open chest concept, it has a moderate amount of bunching directly under the chest, probably designed to cinch the dress and show off a waist. However, since Marissa’s waist is more outwards instead of inward, all it does is highlight and outline her rather large belly. The material of the dress is also very thin, making the outline of her underwear very visible. She is wearing short white block heels with the dress and a white faux leather jacket that appears to be at least one size too small.

Unlike Samantha, Marissa is wearing a full face of makeup but you’re not sure if it’s good makeup. Her foundation is very thick, and her bronzer is quite blocky. Her red lipstick is very bold but maybe too bold for her pale skin. Her hair, also blonde, is tied into a sleek ponytail, but maybe she used too much gel, as it looks wet and oily. Her eyes are framed by thick eyeliner and clumpy mascara. Her blue eyes themselves, slightly darker than Samantha’s, seem beady and almost angry. Her smile seems fake and her laugh is high, grating, and loud. It’s a laugh that makes everyone else stop laughing.

After your group orders drinks, just a water for you, you ask Joon how he met his friends, curious as to how a guy like him ended up hanging with a girl like Marissa in any capacity. 

“I know Mike from college, Kareem from an old job, and Samantha I met at the library. She was reading a book I was curious about and I just asked her if was any good and we just had good conversation. She’s really cool. And Marissa is Sam’s sister.” He explains, delivering the last part rather bluntly.

“Hohoho, don’t be shy Joonie!,” interjects Marissa, “Tell her how we actually met!”

Joonyoung stares at her blankly, the rest of the table looks confused. 

Marissa looks at you and appears to preen a bit, “He came over our place one day to meet with my sister, and when I walked out of my room, he couldn’t keep his eyes off me. He was staring so much I just felt obliged to go over and introduce myself. Then we got wrapped up in an amazing conversation for hours. We’re great friends now. I’m even closer to him than my sister.”

She eyes you up and down the entire time she’s speaking, but you’re just giving her a blank look, fairly certain that she’s either outright lying, or only telling a half truth.

You look at Joon who is looking at her confused. After a moment, he smooths his expression and tells her evenly, “There is something wrong with your memory.”

His friends burst out laughing. Samantha chimes in, “Are you forgetting that I was there?! Me and Joonyoung were talking and you walked out your room half naked in a dirty t-shirt. You stood in front of the TV, blocking the Harry Potter  movie that was playing, and basically tried forced him to explain the entire Star Wars trilogy to you, even though he kept saying he had only ever seen like half of one movie! He was too polite to tell you to leave him alone! And I had to tell you that we weren’t watching fucking Star Wars!” she’s laughing the entire way through, and Kareem says, “That sounds more like it!”

You chuckle a little bit, more in an effort to match the mood than anything else, and exchange looks with N who is also chuckling half heartedly. This is gonna be an interesting evening.

After thoughts: I was gonna end this here, but I think I’ll keep going. I wanted to introduce an unpleasant character being ngl, wanting to be seen as the opposite of those types is a motivation for me. I wanna be kind of That Girl, the one who is strictly disciplined. Anyway, I don’t wanna ramble here. Working on next part now.

[darkcitrin]

How about do not let go of your past

Only for those who resonate (trauma)

would you turn off your device in the middle of processing?

Why not?

This is the answer why you should not let go of your past

Especially, if inpatient people are telling you that you should, expecting that the processing would take your energy away from the “important things in life” Especially if by any chance they can profit by it

Processing your past will only empower one person

Yourself

It takes energy,

It takes time,

Yes, you are less able to multitask and focus on OTHERS

All these precious resources they would like for themselves

How dare you, use them on yourself, wellbeing, health, evolution, understanding life

Ok, I get it, I also think it is wasted not being able live life in the moment,

but who says that this is not a big lie I am believing in

Look life repeats itself, it gets boring worse you get into a downward spiral, so maybe processing your past will actually save your time and ressorces and let you live a better life in the present moment sooner than later?

I mean if one would have proecessed the past sooner, more regularily... Can you imagine how your life would be looking like?

If you feel pain, it does not matter whether you surround yourself with happiness, you won’t feel it, you might get isolated by the others feeling different, so what effect will this have?

There is not enough happiness out there. We need people generating it for themselves and then for others, free happiness gets destroyed by people not able to feel it and seeing others enjoying it

You will only be able to use your emotion device if the processing of your past is done.

Or it will process and process and analyze in a loop

Being is not just doing, it is getting informations, processing information, changing actions getting better informations, processing them, doing actions conciously

Being is not just doing, it is resting, sleeping, eating, experiencing

Being is not rushing, if your leg is broken, you just do not race, if your emotional compass cannot detect positive feelings then no you are not continuing walking in the dark (especially if there are predetors out there specialized in feeding of you, toxic people, narcissits, people believing they find a short cut meeting their needs by consuming you while continueing their destructive life choices)

How to process?

Not in the same environment you got the information

Not in a similar environment, which lets you feel similar

Meaning yes, the time will come you will curse yourself, that despite an improved environment you will still feel the sam, leading to doubt yourself if you do not understand that this is how it goes

It will be a dialouge between your future self and your past self and your present self will feel it and try to bring drinks and food and will feel helpless in standby

Also the discussion will happen in your heart and it will go back and fourth so do not tell others since you will hear different perspectives from yourself, defending themselves and giving you new knowledge and you would be stupid and broken if you would not adjust your judgement based on the new income sometimes in tact of few minutes, like a spinning compase nadel

Others will not keep up, you will already find it difficult to keep up, so do not judge too soon, or come to a conclusion too soon,it is a process, that our minds find it easier if we can judge things does not matter, since this process is a comunication between many levels of your existance not just your mind

Also a hint looking backwards or being a child with little information trying it best looking forward will often have a mirrow effect

The truth will look mirrowed depending which perspective you will hear

Remember! Knowing that and faced with “contradicting” judgements, transformation is a must. Coming to a negative conclusion? What was the benefit from it though in the time of need? It must be there or you would not have done it. (Personally, I am also no fan of reframing things. Admitt, that this was the best inefficient thing you could do at the moment and look, that you will find ressources that you will never be forced to do the same inefficient, thing ever again in the future is far more efficient than to replace all negative words with empowering ones like victim with survivor. If you were a victim of financial abuse, try to be financial independent no matter what and do not lend money to others if this would make you financial insecure. Fare more empowering than to just call yourself different. Both can be true, you can be a victim and a survivor, whatever helps you to change your future perspects more efficiently)

The one self looking into the future has to be protected

The one looking into your past, will be so hurt over the time and feel powerless that he/she will claim more alternative options your childself could not have done back then

Remember this part, remember your present self, your mind, that if it is struggling with the same alternatives in present, how a child would have been overwhelmed by them in the past, that they may not have been realisitc back then

And then another advice which helped me

A child develops, it needs hope, or it is severly damaged

To keep hope, it will be necessairly to lie

if it and its environment, if its expectations and the reality differs

There need to be a lie to create an artificial environment both can be true to keep the energy flow flowing and the child active to develop, make experiences

Witout hope its motivation, hope would have died and if hopelessness continues... it may have been the end

So now when you know more take care how you correct the lies you told yourself, back then and which still were keeping you in toxic relationships or chosing them

And also take care that you will not adapt to the environment which once hurted you

Your child self protected your hopes, your dreams, your creativity, your image of a better future

Do not let your experiences, the “truth of your past” crush your individuality at the end, while you tried to prevent that all the time, during processing

This was the truth of your past, when you were less powerful

Power is important therefore villians want it and you should want it to ( Do not work for people robbing it from you)

What you have to change is your worldview, and view on humanity

People are not the same

It is their decision and manifestation of will, how the environment shapes them

or there are phases they do not have the ressorces to be different

keep this in mind

stopping the processing of your past, will not just deleat “few memories”

it will deleat your history, your explination why you are triggered, the path for finding solutions/healing, your self made wisdom, your whole body might shut down, it will look your motivation, your individuality  away

So do not let go of your past, if you can help it

And always wonder, whether repeated advice is really beneficial.

If it would, why is our world still like it is? Is bypassing truely healing?

Maybe people feel shame that this advice did not helped them

but who says that the advice is helpful?

[carlyraejepsans]

🔥 Chara?

while I can understand from both a fandom AND game development perspective the handiness of having a "standard" name for the nameable character, i strongly believe adding that "the true name" easter egg was a bad decision on Toby's part.

or well, not bad altogether, there is an element of separation between the player, frisk and chara in the end, but one of undertale's main themes is being a commentary/trope reversal on the mindless violence taken for granted by players in most RPGs, and to actually confront that reality it's crucial that YOU name the fallen child; preferably your own name, but in alternative still a name of YOUR choosing. canonically setting a base name ended up severely undermining that core message, as 6 years of observing the wider fandom has shown.

seriously, the more i sit down to analyze the game's story after everything, the more i understand toby going so far as to ask famous youtubers not to play it to avoid spoiling others. i put jacksepticeye's old pacifist playthrough on in the background this afternoon because i was feeling nostalgic and Every episode he'd go "people have been telling me in the comments" and "I've already spoiled myself a bit" and "you guys told me to do this" and just GOD. UGH. and how he named the fallen child sam in it but when he played genocide he switched it to chara because people told him it was the true name. and that's exactly the issue: if there hadn't been the "true name" easter egg, that wouldn't have happened, but at the same time Toby never even IMAGINED undertale would get this big, and he also asked people in the game's files to please hhh shut the fuck up? and let people find out those secrets by themselves. so while that was 100% self sabotage, i think he's excused.

so yeah, i use chara out of convention so we can discuss the character together in fandom, but as far as I'm concerned? that lil fella's name is BISCIA, because that's what i named them in my playthrough. they're my buddy. they're my bestie. they're my twin. they're only as evil as I allowed myself to be in game, which is... none! if i ever change that? I'll change the way i view them too, because if they're evil then we're evil TOGETHER. and that, i believe, is the most faithful way you can read the character. doing otherwise is... once again acceptable for intra-fandom discussion, but would be like interpreting, for example, sans' actions and feelings post pacifist using those from a neutral or genocide run. while it can put some aspects of their personalities in perspective, it's hard to do it right, and can quickly lead to mischaracterization.

[fagtainsparklez]

an analysis of c!hannah’s character playlist

split into pre, during, and post eggpire.

pre-eggpire:

soak up the sun - sheryl crow

i’ve already somewhat analyzed the meaning of soak up the sun here, but broadly speaking, soak up the sun is a song about enjoying life’s simple things, and living life to its fullest. pre-eggpire, hannah is bright-eyed and ambitious, determined to help the server in any way she can. her demeanor directly opposes most of the server’s weary disillusionment, which mirrors the song’s deeper meaning: a person that doesn’t quite understand the exploitation they’re put through by society. hannah isn’t yet aware of the reality of the dream smp, in which there are rarely winners, only losers, and that heroes never get the happy ending they preach in legends.

man’s world - MARINA

man’s world discusses the inequality faced by women in a man-dominated world, as well as issues of climate change, among other things. hannah being one of the few women on the server has always been an important part of both c! and cc! hannah, as it heavily influences how she’s seen by both other characters and the fandom itself. hannah is strong, outspoken, and unapologetically herself, which leads to unwanted criticism, mostly from fans themselves. her personality clashes with people’s preconceived notions of a fairy, especially one so interwoven with flowers, as nature spirits are typically portrayed as weak and feeble in mythology, with stories mostly reliant on men. hannah is not that. additionally, even before joining the eggpire, hannah is being affected by the egg as it saps her life force. the other server members, though, don’t seem to notice nor care, more caught up in the gaudiness of the vines as opposed to their affect on nature itself, and by extension, hannah.

yellow - coldplay

admittedly, yellow is the one song i’ve always struggled with when it comes to hannah’s playlist. the song is mainly about brightness, hope, and devotion, according to the songwriters, and inspired by the band going stargazing. on that end, it could be interpreted as hannah’s naivety and (admittedly) misguided notion that she could defeat the egg by herself. there’s not much else to be said about it.

too sensitive - sesan kennedy

too sensitive doesn’t require much thought into its meaning, but it is important to hannah’s characterization. many people paint her as an emotionless warrior due to her actions during the eggpire (when she wasn’t herself), but in reality, hannah is a very emotional person. she cares a lot about how other people perceive her, especially sam, and is heavily affected when they think of her negatively. she’s driven highly by her emotions, typically more so than logic, and would do anything for people to like her.

i eat boys - chloe moriondo

i eat boys was written for the singer to be able to vent her frustration towards men who have disrespected her. despite being emotionally vulnerable, hannah isn’t physically weak. she is a fighter, after all, and damn good with a sword. i eat boys is here to cement that fact, and reinforce hannah’s strengths. she’s not afraid to take matters into her own hands if necessary, as shown by her killing her own pets after they were exposed to the egg.

good girls (don’t get used) - beach bunny

speaking out to both other characters and the fanbase, hannah solidifies her strength and the immature treatment of her solely because she’s a woman in a male-dominated world/industry. while hannah is emotionally vulnerable, she isn’t one to let harassment and immaturity get to her. she knows her worth, and she isn’t afraid to stand her ground. her being more emotion-driven doesn’t make her weak, and instead, is one of her biggest strengths.

killer instinct - bring it on: the musical

by killer instinct, hannah has already been exposed to the egg for long enough that it’s started to corrupt her mind ever-so-slightly. the egg utilizes hannah being largely perceived as weaker/not as big of a threat, as its able to get away with more corruption through hannah. there’s a notable moment in the song where the character takes a second to look at herself, and appears to be disgusted by what she’s become before instantly revealing that she enjoys being this way, as while hannah herself was disgusted by what she’d become, her egg-controlled mind wasn’t, and made her believe so. i haven’t seen bring it on, but from what i can gather, the song is the first instance of the character singing it showing off her evil side and intentions, setting up hannah’s arc of being a secret agent for the egg.

dark red - steve lucy

dark red is one of the final songs before the egg fully comes into play, mirroring hannah’s realization that something is wrong, and that maybe she wasn’t as untouched by the egg as she thought. despite the constantly-appearing red flags, though, hannah still holds onto the hope that she’ll be alright, not willing to give up and hand herself over to the egg so easily. she tries to tell herself that maybe it’s just all in her head, that she’ll break free of these intrusive thoughts and come back to herself eventually, not wanting to succumb to the very thing she hates.

demons - hayley kiyoko

demons has hannah praying for people to forgive her, both for what she’s already done and for what she’s becoming. she’s now more than aware of the egg’s sway over her, and she’s terrified of it. unlike the other eggpire members, who the egg just used for their minds, hannah was used for her life force. during her possession, the egg is literally eating her alive, draining her energy until she has no choice but to accept its own. despite all these realizations, though, hannah is still steadfast and holding onto hope, even as she sinks ever deeper into the egg’s clutches. (interestingly, demons compares the feeling of going under to burning in lava)

eggpire:

control - halsey

hannah is afraid. not only of how the egg hurts her, but how it makes her hurt others. she can’t stand the person she’s become under it, but she has no choice but to obey, as it could sever her life force at any given moment if it so wishes. unlike before, where the egg was just a small voice in her head, it’s become so powerful that she can no longer differentiate its thoughts from her own, and that terrifies her. she doesn’t dare open up about these issues, though, either out of fear of the egg’s retaliation or how others will perceive her now that she’s become one of the egg’s pawns.

disturbia - rihana

disturbia further delves into hannah’s mental state. it also continues the trend of hannah seeing herself as a monster, despite having no control of her body, thoughts, or actions at this point. she continues to beg and pray for someone to save her, to pull her out of this hell that is her own mind, as the egg has become so powerful that she can no longer combat it on her own.

serotonin - girl in red

despite it all, though, hannah has never stopped fighting. she doesn’t believe that she can escape on her own, though that doesn’t mean she’s not going to try. she’s still terrified of herself, but largely, not even for her own safety, but for the safety of others. not only is the egg draining her energy, but she’s constantly pushing herself to her limits by trying to contain it.

all the things she said - poppy

taking some creative liberties with this one, but i largely interpret all the things she said as hannah never being able to fully apologize and move past her actions while under the egg’s control. no matter what she’ll ever do in the future, it won’t be enough, and she’ll be forever haunted by the memories of her time in the eggpire. no matter what, she’ll always be hearing the egg’s voice in her head, literally or figuratively. no matter what, her efforts to fight it will never be enough, as the egg will always haunt her every waking moment.

i drive me mad - renforshort

despite not being in control of her actions, hannah feels horrible for what she’s done. her actions weren’t hers in the slightest, but she feels responsible for them anyways, only making it easier for the egg to take over. when it comes to hannah’s playlist, nearly every instance of declining mental health is a direct allegory for the egg itself. the worse she feels, the more her mental health declines, the more the egg is able to take over and control her. it’s a never-ending spiral, one she can no longer break free of, if she ever could at all.

pomegranate seeds - julian moon

pomegranate seeds is a musical retelling of the myth of hades and persephone, detailing persephone’s change from hating hades and her imprisonment to making a deal with him and leaving the underworld. of course, in this instance, hades is the egg and persephone is hannah herself, with sam arguably being read as demeter. (fun fact, before she was sent to the underworld, persephone’s name was kore, which meant “maiden”. afterwards, her name was changed to persephone, which meant “bringer of death”.) in the end, hannah is forced to make a trade: the only way she’s able to live is to give herself over to the egg fully. arguably, hades allowing persephone to be in the overworld for six months can be an allegory for hannah being allowed to “act” like herself until the egg called for her.

heavy in your arms - florence + the machine

there are two possible interpretations for heavy in your arms: either about hannah and the egg, or hannah and sam. in the first instance, the person being dragged down is hannah as she’s pulled further into the egg’s clutches and suffers for it. the egg’s “love” is its life force, as while hannah needs its aid to survive, it only serves to drag her down further. on the other hand, it could be sam that’s being dragged down by his care for hannah, as he nearly sacrificed himself on multiple occasions to save her. hannah’s guilt increases as sam pushes himself to save her, as while she desperately wants to be freed, she doesn’t want other people to have to suffer any further because of her.

i’m fine - ashe

either because the egg is stopping her or because she doesn’t want to worry other people with her problems, hannah puts on a brave face, insisting that she’s alright and that the egg holds no real control over her. despite sam’s worries, she continuously confirms that she’s alright, and that he shouldn’t worry about her when they have bigger issues to deal with. sam doesn’t believe her though, not fully, being the only person to be able to actually see through her lies. despite that, there’s nothing he can really do, and even then, he stays silent, desperately wanting to believe that she is fine, for both of their sakes.

sweet but psycho - ava max

going further into sam and hannah’s relationship, there still are traces of the girl hannah was pre-possession, which both of them helplessly cling onto. while there’s no doubt that hannah has changed, that she’s not fully herself, enough of her peeks through for a semblance of normalcy, at times. it further cements the fact that hannah isn’t out of her mind, she hasn’t snapped, she’s just possessed by a force out of her control. hannah is still hannah underneath it all, as far down as she may be.

devilish - jean dawson

hannah’s decay and corruption continues further, as does the notion of her seeing herself as a monster. nearing the red banquet, now, she’s left as a hollow shell of herself, a puppet for the egg to control. she can’t do anything at this point but stand by and let what happens happen, far too weak and drained to fight back any further. she’s sick, she’s empty, and most of all, she’s tired.

bang! - ajr

the red banquet has approached, and it’s time for the eggpire to execute their plan. they’re going out with a bang one way or another—either by taking over the server, or by their plan horribly backfiring, as it ends up doing. the excitement is the egg speaking through hannah, not hannah herself.

i did something bad - taylor swift

due to the red banquet, people’s perceptions of hannah are permanently changed. instead of seeing her for what she is, a victim, they see her as a villain who enjoys the torment she’s brought upon people, which couldn’t be further from the truth. most notably, sam is the one that starts seeing her that way, as from this point on, he sees her as nothing but a killer and a traitor, even though hannah never actually killed during the banquet. hannah is painted as an emotionless, manipulative monster, who was aware of her actions throughout the entire journey, and not only that, but she enjoyed committing them. instead of a brainwashed victim, the banquet’s guests, and by extension, the server, see hannah as nothing but a traitor and monster that thrives off of the chaos she brings.

joke’s on you - charlotte lawrence

joke’s on you is read from hannah’s possessed viewpoint, laughing at the fools that were the rest of the server for trusting her, as she was a spy for the eggpire all along. she (the egg) has tried to be nice, but refuses to go down without a fight. it’s the egg speaking through hannah, as it has with multiple of its victims before her, taunting the server for allowing it to grow to such strengths. the joke is on them for underestimating and brushing aside the eggpire for so long, a mistake they’ve thoroughly paid for.

post-eggpire:

sad sorry after party - UPSAHL

the banquet is over, crashed by quackity, and the former eggpire members are scattered to the wind and forced to pick themselves up from months of trauma and mind control. everything has been tainted, and the ambitious, wide-eyed person hannah was before her spiral is no longer around. with everything that happened under the egg’s control, there’s no one around to console her or hear her out, forcing her to come to terms with what she’s gone through on her own, with the same going for the rest of the eggpire members.

black sheep - kailee morgue

now that her image has been tainted, hannah is officially a black sheep of the server. people she formerly considered her friends, such as foolish or sam, no longer trust her, and she finds them keeping their distance from her no matter how much she tries to reconcile. she’s forced to support them from afar, not wanting to get too close in case they see her as a threat once more. Everyone has pulled away from her, despite her desperately wanting them to stay.

don’t assume what you don’t know - grace vanderwaal

the egg was a promise to many eggpire members. a promise of love, a promise of reconciliation, a promise of power. members outside of the eggpire, though, have remained unaware of how deeply the egg’s control ran, and how hard it was to ignore. hannah was worst of all, as she had no choice, as it was either the egg or her life. now that the egg’s control has subsided, though, everyone only assumes the worst, and refuse to trust the eggpire members any further, unwilling to hear them out to the truth of the matter.

runaway - AURORA

the banquet forced hannah to run. run from her home, run from her friends, run from the life she had before. due to her treatment by the other members of the server, no one knows what she’s gone through or her pain, giving her no choice but to run. despite that, though, she desperately wants the life she once had. she can’t live in the reality the egg forced her into, but she can’t run anymore, either, because she’s so, so tired. she just wants to be home again, with her pets and sam and her friends and the energy and hope she once had, but she knows she can’t anymore, and that breaks her.

save myself - ashe

hannah’s angry at the life the egg ripped away from her. she’s angry at herself for allowing herself to fall to the egg’s clutches, and angry that she can’t just go back and fix it. there were so many red flags in her mind, so many instances where she could’ve turned back, but she didn’t, and she despises herself for it. she knows she shouldn’t blame herself, to an extent, and that there was nothing she realistically could’ve done, but another part of her clings to the false notion of being able to have avoided all the trauma she went through if only she was more careful. if only she’d been more careful, none of this would’ve ever happened. if only she’d been more careful, maybe she’d still have her friends.

what if it doesn’t end well - chloe moriondo

she clings to the relationships she once had, most importantly, her relationship with sam. she begs of him to stay with her no matter what, despite all her flaws and mistakes, asking him to forgive her despite it all. she hates herself for what she did and what she sat through, and is desperate for someone to just hold her and tell her it’s gonna be okay. she wants to be understood, to be seen, for someone to be able to see her as the victim that she was instead of the monster she’s been cracked up to be. and that person she longs for is sam, who should understand her, who should see her for who she is, since he knows what she went through and he knows what the egg was capable of, but he doesn’t. he doesn’t, and nothing has ever hurt hannah more.

sick of the sun - poppy

she’s tired. she’s tired and alone and not trusted by anyone anymore. all she wants to do is leave, to forget herself and everything that’s happened to her and start anew. she’s sick of being the villain, the monster, the used and the thrown aside. despite everything, however, hannah refuses to give up, as she always has. hannah’s strongest trait has always been her unwavering determination, even now, even when everything has left her. she’s no longer the person she once was, not fully, but that doesn’t mean she’ll give up without a fight. a rose does not survive because of its beauty, but because of its strength, and its ability to fight back against all odds, and hannah is no exception.

[laylainalaska]

Here I am, back to over-analyze specific creative choices in Falcon & Winter Soldier some more. This time it’s the way that Bucky, Sam, and Zemo are staged with each other in episodes three and four.

I mentioned in the Bucky glove meta that I feel like episode 4 is the one where the characters start to gel into a group, and I’m going to talk about one aspect of that, which is the way that the Sam-Bucky-Zemo triad are usually set up in physical proximity to each other and the way that it changes.

In episode 3 and early episode 4, in every scene they’re in, they’re generally arranged in one of two main ways.

Out in public, Zemo is in the middle - which makes sense because in most cases, he’s leading them somewhere, and Sam and Bucky are also trying to keep tabs on him, so one of them is on each side and perhaps a little behind. This is their basic arrangement for moving around in groups of people; they also do it in the Madripoor bar and to some extent at Sharon’s party. It’s a combination of Sam and Bucky trying to keep Zemo under control and also keep up with him.

The Riga walk-and-talk in 1x03 is typical.

When they're indoors somewhere relatively private, however, where they aren’t around other people or having to keep close tabs on Zemo, usually they're set up with Sam and Bucky in close proximity to each other, while Zemo is either over to one side, or circulating around the room. There's a distinct sense of Bucky and Sam being a unit while Zemo is the odd man out.

There are a number of examples of this - for example, on the plane:

Sam and Bucky on one side, Zemo on the other.

There's not a good long shot that shows it in Sharon's apartment - this is the closest I could find - but Sam pretty quickly gravitates to Bucky's side of the room, while Zemo stays on the fringes of things, over at the right.

And you see it a lot in the Riga safehouse: Sam and Bucky together, Zemo off doing his own thing, or circulating around them, but definitely on the outside.

In addition to underscoring that Sam and Bucky are a unit that Zemo isn’t part of, Sam and Bucky also tend to be steadily closer to each other in group shots as the two episodes go by.

Then Walker shows up. 

They’ve all been settling with each other a little bit over the last couple of episodes. (I have various examples of this - Bucky and Sam are obviously getting closer, but there are also little things indicating that Zemo is also loosening up around them, like the shift from joking about poisoning them early in ep. 3, to feeding them by the end of the episode.) It’s fairly subtle, though, a relaxing of tension, a slow getting to know each other.

And Walker, in some sense, pushes on this a bit, by forcing everyone to pick a side.

At this point there starts to be a distinct sense of “us” and “them” with the Sam-Bucky-Zemo triad vs. Walker and Hoskins.

UNHAND OUR VILLAIN, MISCREANT!

They could mix up, the way they mixed up in a group with Sharon. But they don’t. Bucky and Sam stick with Zemo, and Hoskins and Walker stick together.

This does break up inside, as Zemo gets handcuffed to the wall and everyone is running around pursuing their own agendas.

They’re still all kinda tuned in on what’s happening with each other, though.

Back at the safehouse afterwards, there’s a much looser vibe between all three of them, and one way this expresses itself is that there’s much less of a sense of defined, separate Zemo-space and SamBucky-space.

Technically Zemo’s still off to one side in this scene, but the way the spaces are blocked off, it feels like Sam and Zemo are one spatial unit in this scene, that Bucky then moves into and through.

As opposed to Zemo being completely separate, watching/listening, sometimes even talking with them, but not really a part of things.

And then when Walker and Hoskins show up - they all three close ranks, moving together and defining themselves as a unit.

Of course things fall apart shortly after, as the fight happens and Zemo goes his own way ... for a variety of reasons. Obviously it’s partly just because he wants to dodge the growing number of people who want to arrest and/or kill him. But he’s had plenty of opportunity to run before, and didn’t, and it’s not like things are that much more dire this time, or that the Karli situation is that much more resolved than it was before. And it’s right after Sam really hits him in the face with the question of whether he actually wants to kill Bucky or not. I think Zemo leaving at that particular point has at least something to do with noping out on all of this - the relaxing of tension, slowly coming together thing that’s happening here.