#sas and python

[greatonlinetrainingsposts]

Integrating Python and SAS: A Powerful Combination for Data Science

The demand for data-driven decision-making is growing rapidly, and professionals need the best tools to analyze, visualize, and process data efficiently. SAS (Statistical Analysis System) has long been a leader in statistical analysis and business intelligence, offering robust capabilities for structured data processing. On the other hand, Python has become the go-to programming language for data science, machine learning, and AI applications due to its flexibility and extensive libraries.

By integrating SAS and Python, businesses can leverage the best of both worlds, combining SAS’s structured analytical power with Python’s data science capabilities. This integration is transforming industries by enabling deeper insights, automation, and enhanced decision-making. Whether you're a data analyst, scientist, or business leader, understanding how to connect these two powerful platforms can open up new opportunities for innovation and efficiency.

Why Integrate Python with SAS?

Python and SAS offer distinct advantages that, when combined, create a powerful analytics ecosystem.

Key Advantages of SAS

Structured Data Processing: SAS provides a highly efficient environment for handling large datasets, ensuring structured data processing with reliability and accuracy.

Statistical Modeling: SAS includes advanced statistical analysis tools that are widely used in industries like finance, healthcare, and government analytics.

Enterprise-Grade Security: SAS is known for its robust security features, making it a preferred choice for organizations dealing with sensitive data.

Key Advantages of Python

Flexibility & Open-Source Ecosystem: Python’s extensive libraries like Pandas, NumPy, TensorFlow, and Scikit-learn make it a versatile choice for data science and AI applications.

Advanced Machine Learning Capabilities: Python excels in deep learning, natural language processing (NLP), and predictive analytics.

Visualization & Reporting: Libraries like Matplotlib and Seaborn allow users to create interactive and insightful visual reports.

How Integration Enhances Data Science

By combining the strengths of SAS and Python, businesses can:

Automate Workflows: Use Python scripts to preprocess data, then run statistical models in SAS.

Enhance Analytics Capabilities: Integrate machine learning algorithms in Python with SAS’s statistical tools for deeper insights.

Optimize Decision-Making: Leverage both structured SAS data and unstructured data sources processed through Python for a holistic analytical approach.

For professionals looking to master this integration, SAS Programming Tutorial resources provide step-by-step guidance on leveraging Python with SAS efficiently.

How Python and SAS Work Together

There are several ways to integrate SAS and Python, depending on business needs and technical requirements.

1. SASPy – Python Library for SAS

SASPy is an open-source Python package that allows users to connect to SAS and run SAS code within Python scripts. It bridges the gap between the two platforms by enabling:

Direct execution of SAS commands within Python.

Import and manipulation of SAS datasets in Python environments.

Seamless interaction between SAS procedures and Python functions.

This method is ideal for data scientists who prefer coding in Python but still want to leverage SAS’s structured analytics capabilities.

2. Jupyter Notebook with SAS Kernel

Jupyter Notebook is a widely used tool in the data science community. By installing the SAS Kernel, users can:

Write and execute SAS code directly in Jupyter.

Combine Python and SAS scripts within the same document.

Create interactive data visualizations using Python’s powerful plotting libraries.

This integration is particularly useful for researchers and analysts who require a collaborative, interactive environment for data exploration and reporting.

3. Using REST APIs for SAS Viya

SAS Viya is a cloud-based analytics platform that supports REST APIs, allowing Python applications to communicate with SAS. Businesses can:

Access SAS functions from Python-based dashboards or applications.

Deploy machine learning models built in Python within SAS environments.

Scale big data analytics using cloud-based infrastructure.

This approach is highly beneficial for organizations that require scalable and automated data processing capabilities.

Key Benefits of SAS and Python Integration

By integrating SAS and Python, businesses unlock several advantages:

Enhanced Flexibility

Python’s open-source nature allows for customization and scalability, complementing SAS’s structured analytics.

Advanced Data Processing

Python’s data science libraries enhance SAS’s data handling capabilities, allowing for more complex and faster analysis.

Improved Visualization

Python’s Matplotlib, Seaborn, and Plotly enable richer, interactive reports compared to SAS’s traditional visualization tools.

Powerful Machine Learning

Python’s TensorFlow and Scikit-learn support AI and deep learning, which can be integrated into SAS analytics workflows.

Use Cases of Python and SAS Integration

Many industries benefit from combining SAS and Python for data analytics and decision-making.

1. Healthcare Analytics

Python processes electronic health records (EHRs), while SAS builds predictive models to forecast disease outbreaks.

AI-powered analysis in Python detects patterns in patient data, allowing for early diagnosis and treatment planning.

2. Financial Fraud Detection

Python’s machine learning models analyze transaction patterns for anomalies.

SAS ensures compliance with regulatory standards while improving fraud detection accuracy.

3. Retail Customer Insights

Python clusters customer data for segmentation and personalized marketing.

SAS refines sales strategies based on customer analytics, optimizing demand forecasting.

These real-world applications highlight how Python and SAS together create smarter, data-driven solutions.

Challenges and Best Practices

Despite its advantages, integrating Python with SAS comes with challenges that businesses must address:

1. Version Compatibility

Ensure Python libraries support SAS environments to avoid compatibility issues.

Regularly update SAS and Python packages for smoother integration.

2. Performance Optimization

Use cloud-based SAS Viya for processing large datasets efficiently.

Optimize Python scripts to reduce execution time within SAS environments.

3. Security Concerns

Implement authentication and encryption when transferring data between SAS and Python.

Follow data governance policies to maintain compliance with industry regulations.

Organizations can overcome these challenges by following structured learning paths, such as SAS Tutorial Online, to build expertise in both platforms.

Future of Python and SAS Collaboration

The future of data analytics lies in hybrid approaches that blend different technologies. As AI, big data, and cloud computing continue to evolve, the demand for Python and SAS integration will grow. Businesses that embrace this collaboration will lead in innovation, leveraging real-time analytics, predictive modeling, and automation for better decision-making.

By mastering SAS and Python together, data professionals can build cutting-edge solutions that drive efficiency and business success.

[drmishrasblog]

1.एकमात्र संपूर्ण भगवान /अल्लाह /परमपिता परमेश्वर / सबका मालिक एक कबीर ।

2.एकमात्र संपूर्ण गुरु /सर्व समर्थ सर्व शक्तिमान /समय के महापुरुष /संत रामपाल जी महाराज ।

3.एक मात्र सर्व शक्तिशाली परमपिता परमेश्वर का मंत्र ॐ - तत् - सत् = ऐन - सीन - काफ

4. पवित्र आसमानी पुस्तके वेद - पुराण - गीता तथा गुरु ग्रंथ साहिब तथा बाइबल और कुरान में वर्णित सार्वभौमिक एक मात्र प्रमाणित मंत्र श्रृंखला ।

5 . सारांश [-ॐ - सतनाम - सारनाम - सारशब्द ]

6. सुक्ष्मवेद / कबीर सागर मे प्रमाणित -

एक धर्म - सत्य सनातन धर्म

आए एक हीं देश से ।

उतरे एक ही घाट ॥

हवा लगी संसार की ।

हो गए बारांबाट ॥

[jojotranslates]

Fansubs released for Geografens testamente (the Geographer's Testament), seasons 1 and 2!

Summary: Holger is just an ordinary factory worker who's never left his home town. One day he hears about the death of a famous geographer and is astonished to hear that she left him something: a riddle hinting at the location of something valuable. The local shop owner/eccentric engineer Mortensen manages to convince him that they should search for it together... But their pleasant treasure hunt soon turns into a matter of life and death - not just for our heroes, but for planet Earth itself.

(So yeah, it's an edutainment show that's been nominated twice for the national award "Kristallen" within the category of "Best Children's Show". It was still weirdly compelling to me as an adult, so here you go.)

Where to watch it:

First season, available until 30th of June 2024 (EDIT: got updated until 30th of June 2025 at some point)

Second season, available until 30th of June 2025

These official links are for free and surprisingly not region locked (at least not where I live). Happy watching!

Where the subs are:

Zips (one for each season) are on my subscene profile and dropbox.

I also uploaded the subs to opensubtitles if you want to download each episode's subtitles individually.

Further comments below the read more:

This is one of those works with riddles, wordplay, and riddles involving wordplay... I've tried my best to force words into the right shapes, but was still forced to add translators' notes in some scenes where I genuinely couldn't think of a single replacement that made sense in context.

The Swedish subs also had several noticeable errors (especially in the first season, but other seasons misspell character names from time to time); hopefully all of these should be fixed in translation.

In terms of location names, I'll admit that my handling of these is inconsistent. For instance, I had decided not to refer to the provinces of Sweden by their Latin names, but when the second episode featured the adjective "skånska" (referring to things from Skåne/Scania) I couldn't figure out how to conjugate it in English with "Skåne" as a base and had to translate it to "Scanian" anyway.

Unlike my previous translations I decided not to use [brackets] whenever people are speaking in a language other than Swedish - it happens a lot later on.

... Unfortunately I'm already burned out on the project and would like to move on to other things, so no fansubs are planned for seasons 3 and 4. On the other hand the first episode of season 3 does have official subs in English, so let's hope they don't just leave it at that.

[andrewgordonmassachusetts]

Top Tools and Software for Data Analysis by Andrew Gordon Massachusetts

In this insightful blog, Andrew Gordon Massachusetts explores the top tools and software essential for effective data analysis. From the versatile Microsoft Excel to the powerful programming languages Python and R, and leading visualization tools like Tableau and Power BI, discover how these tools can transform raw data into actionable insights. Learn about the key features and applications of each tool, and find out how mastering them can enhance your data analysis capabilities across various fields.

[cinnamonsikwate]

when you're living in the semi-urban tropics you kind of get used to all sorts of animal life popping up in your backyard. you get the usual stray cats and dogs and the neighbor's chickens, the less usual buff-banded rails and brahminy kites, the unusual monitor lizards and snakes.

and you get used to pests in your house - termites, ants, cockroaches, rats. it's just a fact of life that sometimes one of your kitchen cabinets stays unusable for days because a rat is trapped in there. occasionally there's a python above the lintel watching your family eat dinner. all your wooden furniture past a certain age is disintegrating due to termites. cockroaches playing hide and seek in the bathroom. ants making their home in a neglected desk drawer. gecko droppings in random places. spiders where you don't want them. you open your front door to walk the dog to find a stray cat squaring off with a small snake in the yard (the snake ends up getting flipped over with a well-timed smack to the head).

and at night, you hear scampering in the ceiling and wonder who the hell your uninvited house guests are because those steps sound too heavy to belong to rats.

[venushiring]

SAS Certified Data Scientist and Python coding

Job Description

We are seeking a SAS Certified Data Scientist with Python coding experience to join our team. The ideal candidate will be smart in understanding business problems and requirements, and will have 2-5 years of experience.

[gravitasmalfunction]

I know a little carpet python :3

wait does the average person not know like at least a little python or something?

[darknight3904]

All Too Well

Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Joel deal with the aftermath of Adam's appearance.

Warnings: Violence, torture with a knife, guns, mentions of SA (not depicted in detail) Language, death, animal death

Word Count: 2k

Previous Part / Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

There is a trail of blood staining the grass in front of you. Joel has dragged Adam off somewhere while you sit on your rock, awaiting his return. A long line of ants march along on the ground, they redirect when they come across the blood. 

“We should get back.” 

Joel’s deep voice pulls your gaze off the ants and their new path. Joel runs a wet rag across the skin of his hands and Adam’s blood disappears. 

“Okay.” 

The gates of Jackson groan in protest as they open for you. Brett and Louis sit atop the wall and give a nod to Joel as you enter. 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” 

“Fine.” You huff, and you feel your brow fur as you struggle to remove Pepper’s saddle. It was as if all your strength had been zapped from your body. 

About 3 hours earlier, in the clearing:

“You can run off, spread your legs like a whore for this one here-” 

Whatever was coming next never left his lips as Joel’s hand pulled back and shoved his knife into Adam’s thigh. 

It’s a good one, deep but not enough that he’ll bleed out. Joel twists a bit before yanking it from the flesh. Satisfaction fills his body as Adam’s gasps and whines of pain fill the forest.

“Not another fucking word.” 

Joel’s voice is so deep, that he doesn’t even recognize it. All he knows is that he wants this man to suffer for what he’s done to you. Joel knows that he wants to see him burn for his sins. Adam doesn’t fucking deserve to even be breathing the same air you do. He glances back to where you now sit on a couple of rocks, your eyes glued to the new wound on Adam’s thigh. Your eyes flick to Joel and then to the knife. 

Joel takes this as the green light and moves again, Adam is never leaving this clearing, not alive anyway. 

The knife cuts like butter as Joel runs it along Adam’s pale skin. Blood pours onto the grass, staining the ground below him. It runs down his hands, staining his skin as he cuts. Joel yanks at the collar of Adam’s shirt, tearing it a bit, and exposing his collarbone. A dove tattoo sits just below his collarbone, the ink has faded over the years but Joel can tell what it's supposed to be. 

Joel taps the dirty tip of his knife twice against the ink. He leans in close, ignoring the way this monster reeks of body odor and the metallic stink of blood.

“Doves, they represent peace, hope, freedom.” 

Adam’s head lolls about like he can’t focus on Joel’s words right now and Joel lets out a small grunt. 

“Stop it.” Adam wheezes 

Joel slowly runs his knife through the tattoo. A shallow trickle of red follows his blade as Adam begins to cry, 

“Please, Please, let me go! I’ll never come back! Please!” 

What a fucking joke. Joel shakes his head and tells Adam the truth, it’s not his call to make. You’re calling the shots here. 

Adam begs, cries, even pisses himself as he begs you for his life. Joel listens as Adam finally owns up to what he’d done to you. His hand tightens on the hilt of his knife as you push yourself to your feet. 

“Say the word, sweetheart.” His knife rests on the delicate skin of Adam’s neck 

Joel steps back when he sees the silver Colt Python in your hands. Your eyes are distant, trapped in a memory of the past as Adam’s voice fades from Joel’s ears. The caw of a bird registers in Joel’s mind as he focuses on what’s always been the most important, you. 

“No!” 

Joel doesn’t even blink as you pull the trigger. How could he? He’s heard so much gunfire in the past twenty years. 

“You don’t get to say no to me.” 

Present time: 

Joel watches as you walk beside him. You’re silent and the only noise between the two of you is the sound of your shoes scrapping along the ground. When you reach your house, Joel watches from the mailbox as you walk up the porch. He nearly turns around to go back to his own place, in need of a hot shower before you’re finally speaking to him. 

“Can I stay with you?” 

A hot shower is just what he needed. Joel scrubs the blood from his body and lets the water soothe the ache in his back. Horseback riding was getting more difficult every time he went out. By the time he’s out again, he’s thinking of what he might make you for lunch. He’s got ingredients for sandwiches along with a few servings of chili from an older woman named Janet who lives four houses down. 

Joel pushes the door to his room open and walks over to his dresser. He lets his fall towel to the floor in a messy heap, but the sound of a loud sniffle has him yanking it back up with a curse, 

“Fuck!” 

You nearly give him a heart attack from your position under his covers. You’re wrapped up in them, laying on your side, staring at him. 

“Sorry, I thought you were lying down in Ellie’s room.” He says apologetically 

You shake your head the best you can from your spot. Joel opens his mouth to speak again but fat tears begin to stream down your face. 

“Woah, hey.” His hands tighten the towel around his waist before sitting down next to you, “What’s wrong?” 

He knows that he sounds stupid asking. You’d just killed your abuser and he was asking what was wrong, what an idiot he was. The blankets fall away and Joel feels his heart rate speed up as you climb into his lap and rest your face in the crook of his neck. He needed to get himself under control. 

He gently rests his hand on your back and slowly rubs his hand up and down. Gradually, your sobs die off and he listens to the sound of your breathing. 

“Thank you.” You softly say 

“It’s nothin’” Joel waves you off, comforting someone sad is something anyone deserved.

“I mean about Adam.” You sigh 

Joel is quiet as you reach for his hand. You draw it into your lap and fiddle with his fingers, your skin is oh-so soft against his. 

“I should’ve shot him the moment he walked into Jackson. Shouldn't have even let him lay eyes on you again.”

You shake your head and wrap his hand in yours, “M’ glad you didn’t.” 

“You are?” 

“Yeah…I always wanted to be the one to put a bullet in his head. Used to have dreams about it.” 

Joel nods, he knows the feeling. How many nights had he dreamed of killing the soldier who had gunned down Sarah? Even now, Joel would do it. Revenge was a mighty powerful drug once it took hold in a person’s heart. 

Joel nearly faints when you press a warm kiss on his cheek. The soft scent of you wraps him up as he feels a blush creep across his face. Another kiss presses against his skin, this time to his neck, and then one more, on his collarbone. 

You shift against him, moving so you straddle his lap. Horrifyingly, his cock twitches against his thigh, god he was pathetic. Your hips roll down into his and he quickly pulls away from you. 

“What’s wrong?” You ask softly

“Nothin’...we just can’t do that right now.” He says 

Your face drops into a scowl and your hands drop from their spots on his shoulders, “What the fucks wrong with you?” 

“Sweetheart, it’s not a no forever. It’s just for now. You’re hurtin’ and I’d be taking advantage.” Joel says honestly. As much as his body wants this, he can’t let it happen. You deserve better. 

Your hard stare meets his softer one as your hands wring nervously in your lap, “You should just say it.” 

“Say what?” Joel asks softly 

“That you don’t want me.” You spit, “You don’t want me anymore. Just like when I was in college, you don’t want me. First, it was because I was too young, too naive.” 

“I shouldn’t have done that to ya.” Joel starts but you cut him off, 

“And now you’re hanging me out to dry again. You must think I’m some used-up whore, just like Adam said.” 

“No, I-” 

“You think I wanted it, Joel? You think I wanted to be fed my pet and then used as a fucking sex slave?” 

Your voice is full of venom and self-hatred as your hands come up, nails digging into Joel's soft chest. He winces when one of them digs a bit too deep.

“It’s all my fucking fault. I should’ve just died on outbreak day.” 

Joel catches your hands in his, squeezes them, and meets your eyes. A thousand words dance in his mind. He wants to tell you so much, that he loves you too damn much to hurt you right now. Yet, none of it leaves his lips as he speaks, 

“Stop it.” He commands, “Just stop.” 

You scoff and pull your hands from his, “Then stop being a coward and fucking kiss me.” 

“No.” 

You let out a groan and shuffle off his lap, back under the covers, this time facing the wall so he has privacy to dress. 

“Listen, I’ll get dressed, make us some lunch.” 

“Whatever.” 

Ellie pushes the front door open. School was such a fucking bitch. Why did she need to know about fractions? She knew how to shoot a gun and had literally walked across the country. What was a faction going to do for her? 

The first thing she sees is you and Joel, seated at the table together, big bowls of chili in front of both of you. 

“What happened with the new people?” She asks, thinking of how wild you’d been last night 

“Nothin’ that concerns you right now.” Joel dismisses 

Ellie huffs and looks over at you. You’re silent as you slurp up your food, avoiding her gaze. 

“Slower.” Joel coaches, his voice is gentle. 

“Fuck off.” You seethe, your spoon slams down on the table, “I don’t want to hear your voice right now.” 

Tommy watches as Maria sleeps. He smiles a bit as she begins to snore softly, beside her in a bassinet a perfect baby girl lays, her own snores matching her mother's. Dark brown hair sits atop her head, hidden by a little hat that had been knitted by one of the old ladies who lived in Jackson. Tommy takes Maria’s hand in his and runs his thumb along her palm. 

The soft knock at the door has his eyes tearing away from the perfect sight before him. Dr. Hill is standing in the doorway, beckoning him into the hallway. 

“Maria just fed er’ twenty minutes ago. Can’t we let the vitals check wait for a bit, they’re sleepin’.” He says as he pushes the door shut 

“This isn’t about them.” The doc says, “Can you come with me? It won’t take long.” 

Tommy sighs but follows the doctor anyway. Who is he to deny the person who made sure his kid got into the world safely? Dr Hill leads him to the other side of the clinic to where the smaller exam rooms are, the ones they use to just treat people with basic illnesses like colds or stomach bugs. 

“Last night, there was an issue…Patrol let in people.” Dr. Hill starts 

“What?” Tommy stops dead in his tracks, his hand grabs the doctor's upper arm 

“Joel handled it.” Dr. Hill says, dismissing Tommy’s initial fear.

Tommy nods slowly. Joel had good judgment about people, surely there wasn’t anything to worry about then. 

“This morning, Matt carried an unconscious woman into the clinic. I didn’t want to bother you with her since Maria had just given birth, but…” Dr. Hill’s gaze darts over to the closed door of an exam room and then back to meet Tommy’s eyes, 

“I think you should talk to her.” 

Next Part

Ugh, the fanfic writer curse is so real guys. Right after I published the last chap, I got horribly sick and finally got better like a day ago…Anyway hope you enjoyed this part. 

Comment to be added to the tag list. This tag list is not chapter by chapter, I carry the tags over to each part.

Tags:

@lunaticgurly  @orcasoul  @snowlycanroc  @freythecrazyfae

@person-005 @greenwitchfromthewoods

@elli3williams @yawnzzzzzzzz @am-3-thyst  @concrete-jungleeee

@cherrypieyourface  @kanyewestest @bambisweethearts

@sarahhxx03 @loveisacowboyyy @amyispxnk

[tofics]

Broken - Chapter 7

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!Reader

Summary: A year has passed since Joel and Ellie have returned to Jackson when he finds you on patrol, half frozen and half burning up. Jackson takes you in and nurses you back to health, welcoming you as the newest member of their community. The more time passes, Joel realizes that you and him have more in common than he likes… Until one day, everything changes and you get a gift that he’ll never get.

Word Count: ~8k words

This chapter is very dark. Reader discretion is advised.

Warnings/tags: show canon violence, clear intentions of killing, mentions of mental melt-downs, description of (underage) SA, cursing

Chapter 7 - Shared Pain Is Still Pain

The door to the room flies open and crashes against the wall with a loud bang, making the pregnant lady jump. Joel feels remorse for a split second before he appears in his line of sight and Joel sees nothing but red again. His hands dig into the man's collar with the determined grip of a python, yanking him off his chair with ease in spite of the man's size and mass.

Neither height nor weight stand a chance against Joel's rage. He slams the asshole into the nearest wall, wishing it was made of something sturdier than wood, something more gravelly perhaps or spikey even. Out of the corner of his eye, he registers movement, but he ignores it. Although the bastard’s head connected with the surface with a loud thump, it's not enough, nor is the dazed expression in his eyes after the impact.

"You like touching on little girls, hm?" Joel's voice is as cold as ice. The steps behind him come to a sudden stop. A quick sideway glance at Tommy tells him his words have struck a cord with his little brother, just like they had with Joel when you'd spat them out.

Joel slams the asshole against the wood once more. "Hm? Like how helpless they are, yeah? You get off on that, big man?"

"Joel." Maria's voice carries through the room with authority, her unspoken command clear. Stand down. But Joel doesn't obey, nor do his hands release the pig's collar. He feels his lips quivering in disgust as he stares into the bastard's eyes. It's taking every ounce of strength he has not to put an end to this pig’s life right here, right now.

"Maria," Joel pushes out between clenched teeth. "Might wanna take her out of the room." He cocks his head at the pregnant woman without ever taking his eyes off of his target. "She don't have to see this."

Immediately, the woman starts to protest, and Joel feels a fleeting tinge of worry for her and the unborn child in her belly. Images of Sarah's mom cloud his vision, belly and ankles swollen. Stress ain't good for the baby. The doctor had put her on bedrest for the last three weeks.

Over the loud protests, Maria instructs two men to remove the now screaming lady from the room and then closes the door behind them. “Don’t - don’t hurt her-“ The man’s cut off by another violent shove against the wall. “Shut your fuckin’ mouth,” Joel seethes. He’s grabbed the pig by his face, forcing his jaw shut by way of his fingers. They dig into the flesh with force, strong enough to leave bruises behind. “You think we’re scum like you, hm? Think we get off on hurting women like you do?” Joel’s spit lands just inches beside the scum’s ear. He has the decency to flinch, staring daggers into Joel’s face, but he keeps his trap shut.

"Joel," Maria warns again, but Joel’s grip doesn't loosen. If it did, his hands might wander straight to the man's throat instead, and he tells Maria so.

He hears her sigh behind him and then Tommy's right his side; a soothing hand on his back. "Liam's got a gun on him. He tries anything, we shoot. You can let go, brother." Tommy pats him on the back but doesn't urge him on. He knows him well.

Joel takes a couple more breaths, his face still distorted into a mask of disgust and fury. It feels like a monumental feat, but he manages to pry his fingers loose from the bastard eventually.

When he steps away, the other guy doesn't move from where Joel shoved him into the wall, just rightens himself slightly. Joel's delighted to see the man's hand come away soiled with blood after he touches it to the back of his head. It puts a grim smile on Joel's face.

He hasn't had much cause for blood-thirst as of late. Not since he rescued Ellie from the Fireflies. He became calmer after that, soothed by the safety Jackson had to offer and all that came with it. It changed him for the better, brought out more of the Joel he had been before the world had gone to shit and Sarah had been ripped from him. Her jarring loss had twisted something inside of him that only Ellie had managed to untangle. She'd made him softer in many ways, rounded out his hard and jagged edges where twenty years of brutal survival had chipped away at him.

But now that bloodlust has been rekindled inside of him, and the flames are licking up his insides, asking to be unleashed. Joel sees fire, and he wants to burn this man to the fucking ground until nothing but ashes are left of him.

As promised, Liam has his rifle trained on the man's chest. He's a good and loyal man, and Joel trusts him, but his hands are still itching to take the rifle from his hands and empty its magazine into the chest it's pointed at.

"So." Maria drags a chair over to herself and puts one leg up on the seat, her elbow casually resting on her knee.

"You wanna tell us in your own words what had one of our people react to you the way she did?"

Joel's glad to hear Maria's phrasing. One of our people. He knows Jackson's decision are run through the entire council. No one here decides anything monumental on their own, especially not the fates of potential newcomers. But he also knows that Maria's opinion carries weight with the rest of the council-members. It makes her phrasing of you as one Jackson’s own all the more meaningful.

"Go on," Joel urges when the man makes no move to open his mouth, just stares ahead blankly. His own hands are twitching, ready to beat the information out of him if necessary. Just give me a reason, Joel thinks. Lord knows he already has reason enough to beat this asshole to pulp.

Silence settles over the room. Four pairs of eyes rest on the man’s face, but he avoids all of them, just stares ahead blankly at the door he'd presumably love to leave through.

"Listen, you ain't doin' yourself any favors by not talkin," Tommy tries in what Joel recognizes as his ally-tone. "Better to hear it from you than someone else. You want a shot at livin' here? Give us your perspective."

"No way in hell we're letting that asshole stay-," Joel begins, but Tommy shuts him up with a look.

"Everybody gets their fair trial. That includes bein' heard out," his little brother chides him and Joel has to bite down on his lips to hold back a remark. Has to remind himself that this is why he wants Ellie to grow up here, and not in a QZ, with FEDRA and their sadistic version of what 'fair' means.

"He's right." Maria takes out a notepad and pen and looks at the scum expectantly, although there's no kindness in her eyes, just a neutral expression on her face. "Now let me tell you how this goes. You talk, we listen. We, that's our council. We decide things together in this town. You're gonna have a chance to tell your story to each of us individually. After that, we'll discuss your case within the council. It's in your best interest to stick to the same story. We'll all be taking notes and comparing them, so any discrepancies will be noted and followed up on. There’ll be a vote in the end about whether or not you get to stay. Any questions?"

Joel listens to Maria explain the town's prosecution process and can't help but feel like she is reading the man his rights. If you can't afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you. The wording from the old Miranda warning echoes in Joel's head, a remnant of a life that is long gone. Probably made one hell of a lawyer back in the day, he thinks and promptly feels a profound sense of pride for his sister-in-law.

Joel's head is swimming when he leaves the interrogation room two hours later. What a goddamn fucked up world we live in, he thinks as he heads out to find you.

Something like this was bound to happen, of course. Eventually, something was bound to disturb Jackson's peace. He just didn't expect it would come in the form of a rapist of all things, much less be brought in on his own damn horse. It sickens him to his stomach that him and Jeff are the ones who brought this evil into town, even if it happened unknowingly and with the best intentions.

Amber - the pregnant lady - is bound to give birth any day now, according to Jackson’s resident doctor. Joel could’ve told you as much on his own. By the looks of her swollen belly, it was clear that she’d be due soon. When him and Jeff came upon them, it had seemed like a no-brainer that they'd bring her and her husband back to Jackson with them. After all, they were a couple in need, and Jackson had both the space and resources to help.

It only occurs to Joel now that besides you, these are the first people he has brought into town. What are the odds that his second charitable act since becoming a member of Jackson could cause such a disruption?

His head is throbbing, both from what he's heard during the last two hours and a consistent worry about you. He needs to hear your version of what he's been told, but most of all, he needs to find you and make sure you're okay.

After what he witnessed not too long ago, Joel can't shake the looming worry that with the town's newest arrivals, your mental state is on the brink of a crisis and a meltdown is imminent. He just hopes he can catch you before you fall too deep.

Your visceral attack from this morning plays out in his mind again. He sees the fury in your eyes as you lunge at the man and bring a knife to his throat in a speed he did not think you were capable of. He’s sure that if he hadn't intervened, you'd have split that man open without hesitation.

Joel quickens his pace. He needs to find you.

You're showing Ellie how to bottle-feed the lambs when Joel all but bursts into the barn with a panicked look on his face. You can see the panic give away to confusion when he takes in the scene in front of him, just seconds before relief settles over his features, just a hint of suspicion remaining.

You can't blame him, of course. You know exactly what he was expecting to find, especially after he couldn’t find you at yours or his own house. It’s likely he looked there first. You would've left a note, had you been to either place before you came here, but you didn't trust yourself enough to allow yourself even the smallest of breaks.

You just walked straight across town to where you knew Ellie was working on the town’s barrier with her security crew. She seemed surprised to see you, and you could see the same hint of worry flickering in her eyes that Joel is now regarding you with. You couldn’t blame her either - it was taking all of your strength and then some to stay collected and to not fall apart at the seams.

Ellie didn’t hesitate when you asked her to come with you. You tried to keep the urgency out of your voice, to allow her the chance to stay out of your misery if she wanted to. She had already witnessed one of your meltdowns and you were hesitant to include her in another one, already feeling shameful that your legs had brought you here, to a teenager of all things, when you were a grown woman and supposed to be in charge of your own feelings. But next to Joel, she was the one who made Jackson feel like home; a faint echo of your own daughter.

You couldn’t deny that it was also worry that had driven you here and not just a need for companionship. With the personification of your worst nightmare having set foot into town, you needed to make sure that she was safe. You would sooner die than let that bastard lay a hand on her.

To Ellie’s credit, she didn’t ask beyond what was necessary. She accepted your answer of the barn as your destination without further inquiries, and didn’t even press on when you responded with “not yet” to the question of whether she should be worried.

You would have to tell her eventually, but you didn’t have the words just then. Not in the moment where he was being interrogated on the other side of town.

About what he had done.

About where she was.

About if he had lied; if she was truly still alive.

You didn’t have the strength to find the necessary words to explain yourself in a way that wouldn’t rip Ellie of whatever innocence she had left.

At the barn, you started prepping bottles and explained some of the vital factors to take note of when taking care of little lambs. Ellie listened intently, asking questions in all the right places. You loved her dearly for it. There was no hiding of the fact that you were teetering on the brink of madness, but Ellie either had enough instinct for self-preservation or your emotional needs not to question your lecture. You were almost certain that she recognized this barn excursion for what it was: an attempt at self-regulation.

As Ellie and you fed the little baby sheep, you tried your best to stay focused on the task at hand and to abandon all thoughts of the man Jackson's guards had taken into custody, but his words kept echoing in your head.

She's still alive.

You didn't allow yourself to think about what that could possibly mean, not even for a second. No lambs in the world could have saved you then, Ellie or no Ellie present.

But now, Joel is standing in the doorway of the barn, panting and visibly relieved to find you in such a 'composed' state, even though you're hanging on by a thread and your strength for self-regulation is slowly running out.

Ellie looks up when you stop talking mid-sentence about the correct way to hold a lamb's throat during feeding and notices Joel in the doorway. You feel her eyes going from Joel to you and back to Joel, and the shame for having dragged a teenager to the barn with you in an attempt to keep yourself calm washes over you once more. Here you are, at thirty-six years old, reliant on the presence of a teenager to keep yourself together.

Pathetic.

Worse than that, you can't help but wonder if Joel approves of your decision. You took Ellie out of a safe place and dragged her into your mess - again.

Something close to pain must flicker across your eyes, because Joel finally abandons his position in the doorway and strolls into the barn with an exaggerated sense of ease. It looks almost comical, the way he's trying so hard to appear calm and you wonder who he's doing it for - you or Ellie? Perhaps both. Either way, he's not fooling either of you which becomes evident when Ellie just outright comments on his funny pace. "Your foot fall asleep or something?"

Joel shoots her a glare, but Ellie just snorts, and before you know it, you're cracking up too, surprising even yourself. Emotions can be such a strange thing.

"No, I think he's just trying to be very casual so I won't be set off and go crazy, not while you're around," you say with a smile when your own laughter has subsided.

“Ah.” Ellie nods knowingly while she strokes the back of the lamb in her lap. You see her looking at you out of the corner of your eye. “Is this where I find out why I’m currently getting a free-of-charge lesson in lamb-feeding?”

Ellie's casual tone matches yours, and you suddenly find your heart filling with love, out of all the things you could be feeling right now. But you can't help it. Here you are, in the midst of hay and sheep, with the two people that somehow took you in and made Jackson a home without you ever having to ask for it in the first place. You don't know how you can ever repay them - if you can ever repay them for what they've done.

The unexpected surge of love works like a sedative and you feel your limbs growing heavy as the adrenaline slowly ebbs away. You're not calm by any means, but it finally doesn't feel like there's electricity coursing through your entire body anymore. "Because, kiddo." You sink to the hay-covered floor besides Ellie with a deep sigh and run a tired hand over your face. "Jeff and your father figure here unknowingly brought a man into town this morning that's responsible for my worst nightmare."

Joel looks like he's in pain at your words and you’re quick to point a finger at him. "You. Uh-uh. None of that. You didn't know," you say, hoping to nip whatever guilt-ridden bud is trying to take root in his head.

You beckon Joel over with a flick of your head. “C’mon.” He hesitates at first, but then walks over and kneels in the hay opposite of you and Ellie. You hand him one of your prepped bottles, then motion for him to grab hold of one of the lambs beside him. They’re all baa-ing and bleh-ing around the three of you, scrambling over themselves to get to the priced bottles. A flicker of a smile dances across Joel’s mouth.

You’ve been here for more than an hour, but you took your time, purposefully slowing down your movements in the hopes of also slowing down your heart. As a result, the lambs, used to a quick feeding, are slowly going insane.

You show Joel how to hold the lamb he’s picked, how to hold the bottle at the correct angle so the little one doesn’t swallow too much air at the same time. Ellie proudly shows off what she’s learned in her time with you and for a little while, it’s just the three of you feeding lambs, like a little wholesome family moment.

Eventually though, you have to ask.

You've avoided thinking about him as much as you could, trying to keep it together, but now you need to know.

"So. D'you kill him?"

Joel doesn’t answer right away. You see Ellie looking at him expectantly, like she has no doubt Joel could’ve killed a man just an hour ago. The thought doesn’t seem to scare her in the least.

He finally shakes his head with a look of distaste on his face. "No. Maria wouldn't let me."

Ellie snorts in response. "What'd you expect?" An unexpected grin flickers across your lips. You nod in agreement with her. "Yeah. Figured as much."

Something tightens in your chest. He's still out there. Still alive. Still breathing.

And so is your daughter. At least according to him.

“Did he say? Where…” You have to collect yourself, take a deep breath to get the words out. Prepare yourself for a no, you tell yourself. Don’t get your hopes up. But you know it’s too late for that. “Did he say where she is?”

The bottle in your hand vibrates slightly from how you’re shaking. You take deep, calculated breaths to steady yourself. Keep calm. You’ve got this. You feel the urge to scream as loud as you can.

“He did.”

The bottle in your hand squeaks as you press down on it too harsh. Milk shoots out of the top and soils the hay underneath and you’re glad you didn’t have a little one attached to the tip of it. You can feel Joel’s eyes boring into you, seizing you up, gauging your reaction. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Your vision goes blurry.

“So she’s… alive?” There’s a deep humming sound in your ear. You’re straining to hear Joel over it.

“That’s what he said.”

You slump forward, curl in on yourself. The bottle falls from your hand, spilling milk on the floor, but you don’t care. You can’t breathe, can’t hear anything over the intense buzzing in your ears. Your hands are shaking so hard you have to press them to your stomach to stop them from shaking.

She’s alive. She’s alive. My babygirl is alive.

The bottle gets picked up and is set down out of your sight. A hand appears on the back of your shoulder, stroking in soft circles, then a smaller hand appears on your lower back, mimicking the same gesture.

You try to breathe, to force air into your lungs. Alive, alive, alive. The word pounds in your head like the gong of a church’s bell, deep and strong. The rubbing on your back continues, offering a soothing counter rhythm to your erratic breathing. Slowly, the buzzing in your ears subsides. A few faint baa-s and bleeh-s reach you. The smell of hay seeps into your nose, grounding you to the floor. The rubbing on your back never seizes.

Joel’s on your left, Ellie on your right. He keeps his hand on your shoulder when you finally straighten yourself again. Ellie’s hand slips to your thigh, resting there assuringly. You would cry about the silent love you’re receiving if your brain wasn’t so occupied in the moment.

You take a deep breath, then look at Joel. His brown eyes are fixed on you, brows furrowed in concern.

“Where?,” you ask.

“He couldn’t say for sure,” Joel starts and you huff and roll your eyes. “Of course he couldn’t, cause it’s not true-“

“He couldn’t say for sure,” Joel loudly talks over you, his hand squeezing your shoulder, “but he gave enough pointers ‘bout where we could find her.”

You gnaw on the inside of your lip. You want to believe him so badly, but you don’t know how to survive if it turns out to be a lie.

“Do you believe him?”

Joel’s expression hardens. “I made it very clear he wouldn’t survive it if he lied.“

“I’m coming with!”

“Like hell you are. You’re stayin’ here.”

“Joel-“

“I said no, Ellie!” He doesn’t like raising his voice at her, not anymore. Joel and Ellie rarely fight, and when they do, he hates every second of it.

“Are you fucking kidding me!”

That girl’s got a mouth on her like a sailor, he thinks to himself. Joel pinches the bridge of his nose. He knows this argument is far from over, no matter how much he wishes she’d just listen to him and be done with it.

“Ellie, we ain’t got a clue 'bout what we’re walkin’ into. Hell, we got less of a clue than when I was takin’ you to the damn Fireflies,” he tries to reason with her. Can’t you see I’m trying to keep you safe?

“And that’s supposed to convince me to stay back? Just sit here and wait while you guys ride off into whatever danger? You can’t be serious.” Ellie’s got her arms crossed in that pissed-off stance she perfected over the years. It sometimes reminds Joel of the way Sarah would cross her arms at him. Always makes his heart ache, too.

“Babygirl, listen here, I just wanna-“ His warm approach is cut off when Ellie throws her hands in the air.

“Oh, don’t give me that. I know you wanna keep me safe. Don’t even start with that speech. I am not staying here. And asking me is downright cruel. I told you, I’d follow you wherever you wanna go. You’re my family. I’m not staying back.”

Joel doesn’t reply right away, just keeps firing clothes into his bag. He hates that she has a point.

“I’m coming with,” Ellie repeats.

Stubborn ass kid. Joel fires a pair of boxers into his backpack like they personally did him wrong and flicks his tongue. He knows asking her to stay behind while he rides out into danger is cruel, but what is he supposed to do? Chain her to the house?

“You know I’ll follow you either way. So just save all of us the trouble and take me with now.”

“You just know how to push my damn buttons, don’t cha,” Joel hisses.

“Course I do. All ninety-five of them. Now what’s it gonna be?” Ellie grins like she knows she has won. Of course she does.

“Alright, you listen to me.” Joel turns around with a sigh of defeat, a sour expression on his face. Damn that girl and her antics.

“Same rules as before. You listen to me, do as I say. No back talking, you hear me? I tell you to run, you run-“

“Yeah yeah.” She interrupts him with a smug grin. “I know. What you say goes. I know the drill.”

Joel flicks his tongue once more in annoyance. He sends her off to pack her things, then calls her back at the last second.

“One more thing.” Ellie lingers in his doorway, her eyebrows raised expectantly.

“You run it by her. This is her mission. She wants you to come, you can come. It’s up to her.”

Joel's tossing and turning in his bed. He can't find a single comfortable position, and even if he could, sleep would likely evade him anyway.

His brain is working overtime, running a hundred miles an hour. He tries to quiet his mind, to catch a couple of hours of sleep before the three of you ride out in the morning. But it's fruitless. The second he manages to put a cap on one thought, the next pops up and demands his attention, like an annoying game of whac-a-mole.

Joel grunts in frustration and sits up, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He knows sleep isn't on his side tonight.

Joel swings his legs over the side of his bed. He can't keep laying down.

He checks on Ellie first, slowly creaking her door open to catch a glimpse of her sprawled out between her sheets. It's a habit he picked up when they moved to Jackson, an echo of how he used to check on Sarah. He couldn't trust the safety at first, had to make sure that Ellie was still in her room, unharmed. Every nightmare of the Fireflies brought him to her door, night after night, sometimes more than once. Now it's just a force of habit, something he does when he can't sleep. The sight of her relaxed body has a soothing effect on him.

Downstairs, he pours himself a glass of whiskey, a luxury he doesn't grant himself often. Tonight, though, he needs one. If only just to silence his thoughts.

Joel's worried. About you, about Ellie, about riding out into a situation based on information he has no way of knowing are reliable. He fears what they might find. What you'll do if she's alive. What you'll do if she's not. How you'll react if you won't find her.

Will you leave? Leave Jackson to go look for your daughter that you were certain was dead, but has now been revealed to still be alive?

He knows he would. If it was Sarah, if there was somehow a way that she was still alive - he'd go out of his way to find her, move mountains if necessary. Not a soul could stop him if there was a chance he could hold his babygirl in his arms again. Not you, not even Ellie.

He knows this, and yet he can't stop himself from thinking that he doesn't want you to leave. It's selfish, he knows that, doesn't need to be told how incredibly selfish of a man he is to want you to stay when there's a chance that your daughter is still out there. But he can't help it. You've brought something back into his life that he never thought he'd feel again, and it's awful and selfish of him, but he doesn't want to give it up. It's too good, too sweet. He's been devoid of that kind of love for so long that he's not sure he's able to let it go, now that he's found it.

But he also knows all of this thinking is futile. Nothing is set in stone yet. For all he knows, if all goes well, you could be reunited with your daughter in a week, maybe less, depending on how soon they find the settlement.

Then again, when have things ever gone 'well' in this shit-show of a world?

Joel downs his glass of whiskey and wanders back to his bed through the dark of the house.

Only time will tell what the future holds. He only hopes you'll be in his.

Maria and Tommy had come over to Joel's to inform you of the interrogation. Ever the proactive man that he was, Joel had all but insisted for you to come home with him and Ellie. You didn't object in the least - you didn't trust yourself to be alone either. Not yet.

Ellie was lurking in the kitchen doorway, clearly unsure of whether she was welcome or not. You left the decision up to Joel, and he reluctantly agreed. "Ain't gon' be pretty, just so you know." Ellie took a seat next to you, silently squeezing your hand. Your heart ached with the love you felt for her.

"We've spoken to William at length," Maria opened. You recognized her tone as neutral. She was all business. No wonder she is a council member, you thought. "I understand that time is a valuable factor here, but we have to get your side of things first before you ride out."

You nodded. It felt like you were sitting on a pile of ants, the way you were squirming in your chair. What did he say? Where is she?

"In the name of fairness, we'd like for you to retell your experience before we share what he has said with you." Maria kept her eyes trained on you, her face a blank mask of neutrality. Tommy, however, did not quite have the same pokerface. He was leaned back in his chair the way Joel often was too, the resemblance between the two siblings showing in his stance. His arms were crossed over his chest and his lips were in a tight line, eyes trained on the table.

You nodded again. It made sense, it did. But to tell it all again, to relive it all over again... Do it for her.

You took a deep breath, steadying yourself. Then you began to recount the worst day of your life.

It's raining. Not just raining, but pissing down, endless buckets of water being poured out over the QZ. Just like the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. Rain, rain, and then some more rain, until half the QZ is practically swimming, brewing in a stew of piss, rubble and murky rain water that stands a couple inches tall in the streets, despite the day-workers doing their best to unclog all the drains. The pay has gone up too. You get one whole extra ration card per hour if you're willing to sift through the murky and stinking water while getting drenched from head to toe. You scoff when Hailey tells you. "Ain't that the finest deal I've ever heard of." Hailey giggles, and you ruffle through her hair affectionately.

Despite your sarcasm, you consider whether you should take up some street-work shifts. Lord knows you could use the extra rations, even if it's just six per day. You and Hailey try to live as frugal as you can, you make sure of that. Resources are limited. You know it, she knows it, everyone and their uncle knows it. Still, you try to make as much of it as you can, trading and haggling where you can to get a little something extra out of it for your little girl. Anything that you can to brighten her day, you do it. The smile on her face always pays for whatever you had to go through to get here.

Tonight is special. It's Hailey's fifteenth birthday. You've saved up for this day for weeks, traded one of your finer clothes and some ration cards for the little cupcake that you're now placing on the cracked plate in front of you. It cost about as much as three normal food rations, but you don't care. You can go hungry for a night or two if that means you get to make her birthday special.

Carefully, so as not to mess with the delicate frosting, you push a single candle into the sugary goodness. That one you didn't get through cards, nor through a trade of goods. Nope. Something as simple as this little birthday candle cost you a blowjob, of all things. Not your favorite by any means, but still bearable. At least Barry keeps himself washed, unlike some of the other FEDRA soldiers.

Hailey's eyes gleam as you bring in the lit cupcake, softly singing 'Happy Birthday'. Her smile is about as wide as her face will allow her to stretch, and she blows the candle out carefully so none of the wax drops onto the frosting.

"How'd you get this?" She looks at you in wonder, like you can do anything. Your heart swells with love and pride. "Pulled some strings," you reply with a wink and gently tug on one of her hair strands. She giggles like she's ten years younger, the sound warming your chest and erasing any memory of when you were on your knees, working hard for the birthday girl's candle. Worth it, you think. Always worth it.

The knock on the door comes late in the evening. You're laid up in bed, your daughter nestled against you as you read to her from the book you've borrowed. The words die out on your tongue as your door rattles, a fist pounding against it from the other side.

"FEDRA. Open up."

Hailey's eyes find yours in a panicked, silent question. What's happening? You run a quick hand over her hair and press a kiss to her forehead, easing her worries. "Don't worry," you mumble as the two of you scramble off of the worn out mattress on the ground. "Probably just a routine check-in," you assure her with a smile that carries more certainty than you feel on the inside.

The second you open the door boots stomp into your little safe haven. Decked out in typical FEDRA tactical wear, four men barge in, all carrying a sense of importance around them that they are known and feared for.

The QZ was supposed to be a safe haven, a shelter from the horrors of the infected and raiders. That's what it had been marketed as, a pillar of society in a now broken land. You had soon found out that it was anything but.

"Come on in, boys," you say through a smile that promises a willingness to cooperate that you do not feel. But this isn't a time to revolt. Not when Hailey is here.

One of the men grabs the door out of your hand and shuts it with force. So much for this being a quick thing, you think and your stomach thinks.

There are four armed men in your tiny apartment, along with yourself and your daughter. You will your heart to beat steadily as you cross the room to stand by her. "What can we do for you?"

"Heard a little fun fact today," one of the larger men drawls. You know him - of him, really - he's one of the leading men in charge. You don't have a clue what he's doing here, but whatever the reason, it can't be good. He takes a look around the room like he's seizing up your possessions, to see if there's anything of value around. You'd give them the shirt on your back if that meant they'd leave again peacefully.

"Yeah?" You force your voice to be calm, force the smile to remain on your face. "What's that?"

He saunters over and comes to a stop in front of Hailey. Your hand reaches for hers involuntarily. His eyes roam over her, slowly, drinking her in from top to bottom. You feel bile climbing up your throat.

The man clicks his tongue and then puts a finger under Hailey's chin, turning her face up to him. You feel her shivering beside you, squeezing your hand in a panic. Calm, you tell her in your mind. Stay calm. You yourself are anything but. You want to gauge his eyes out with the way they're roaming over your daughters face, but you keep yourself composed. Keep her safe. Keep Hailey safe. That's your only goal.

"Little birdie told me it's this pretty one's birthday today," the man drawls. Your eyes flicker over to the rest of his men and you find Barry among them, an apologetic look on his face. 'Sorry' he mouths at you and your blood runs cold in your veins. Next time you've got his dick in your mouth, you'll bite off a good chunk.

"Fifteen years old! Practically a young woman now," he coos and runs a finger over Hailey's cheek. You have to bite the inside of your cheek to keep from reaching out and smacking his hand away.

"Gotta start payin' her dues now, doesn't she."

...no. No.

"My daughter does afternoon shifts after school, just as is law," you're quick to say. "You can check, too. We've got all the paperwork." You're already scrambling to find the papers in the drawer behind you when you hear an amused chuckle.

"I'm sure everything's up to code here," the man smiles. "Ain't what we're here for, though. Pretty thing like this? She gotta pay extra. Special pretty tax we got. Ain't that right, boys?"

The men all mumble something in agreement, and anger boils in your stomach. You hate all of them, cowards that they are.

"And when I heard that we got a pretty bird turning fifteen... Well. Just had to come see it for myself. Ya sure didn't lie, Barry. She's a sight to behold." He tuts as he twirls Hailey's face from side to side, examining her like one would a piece of furniture at an auction. You look at Barry, but he avoids your gaze. You're dead, you think. You're fucking dead.

"About time you get broken in, don't you think? Hm?" You feel Hailey shaking with fear as the man lowers his face to hers. Your hand is gripping hers so hard your knuckles turn white.

"Take me."

His eyes slowly wander from Hailey's face to yours. "Take me," you repeat, the determination edged into your face. "Do with me whatever you want, but leave her out of it." Your voice has authority, but you can't deny the pleading edge in your tone. Please. Not her.

The man's lips purse like he's considering it for a moment, then claps his hands together. "Ha! Nice offer, hun, but that's just not gonna work. Now you see, young William over here-" He pulls forth the youngest of the men who stumbles forward, a shy expression on his face. He can't be much older than Hailey. "-young William here is overdue for his initiation. And nice as you may be, but you're just a bit old for the young boy here, ain't cha." The ugliest wink you ever did see is thrown your way and you feel like you might scream.

"Alright, then." The man claps his hands and all three of you flinch at the sound; you, Hailey and young William. "Let's get to it. William, show us what you got."

For a moment, time stands still as the words echo in your brain. Show us what you got. Then you're shoving Hailey behind yourself. "No. No. Take me. Not her. Take me. I'll do anything."

The man in charge flicks his tongue and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I heard you the first time. Pretty sure you heard me too. Ain't gonna do it. Now sit back and enjoy the show, unless you want me to put a bullet between your eyes."

The gun is pointed at you before you know it and Hailey screams behind you. "No!" She's fighting to get out from behind you, but you keep her locked in place. With a hard swallow, you pry your eyes away from the barrel of the gun and force yourself to look at the man who's pointing it at you.

"Please." Your voice wavers, thick with emotion. "Please. Don't do this. Please." You feel tears brimming in your eyes as you beg for your daughter to be spared. Not her. Not her.

You hear the cracking sound first before you feel the pain explode across your scalp. Your vision blurs for a moment and you slump forward, brought down by the force of the blow. A muffled groan presses out from between your lips as you fall to your hands and knees. There's a high pitched scream behind you, and then you're yanked forward, across the floor and onto your mattress.

The world spins as you try to straighten up. Your head feels warm and sticky where the pain is pulsating, and you see red smeared across your hand as you bring it from the top of your head to your eyes.

The screeches in front of you grow louder, calling your attention away from the blood on your hands. You narrow your eyes to see what's happening, and when your view finally sharpens again, you feel your entire body growing cold in seconds.

Hailey is being forced to bend over by Barry and the other man that you don't really know but you're sure you've seen before, her pants being pulled down towards her ankles. She's screaming, fighting, and each of her words pierce through your heart like an icy dagger. "No," you groan and crawl forward on your bed to get to her, only to be kicked back by a boot to the shoulder. You fly backwards and slam into the wall behind you, making you see stars as your head feels like it's being split open anew.

"No! No! Please! No!" Hailey's screams cut through your dazed state. You fumble to get onto your knees again, crawling forwards in what seems like slow motion. The world is still spinning and your arms threaten to give out, but you force yourself forward until you're suddenly yanked forward by your head.

"You're just dying for a front row seat, ain't ya," a voice hisses in your ear like an angry snake. You wince at the sound and try to rid yourself of the hold, but the large hands that hold your head hostage clamp down on you harsher, keeping you in place where you can only watch but not reach.

"That's right, open eyes, baby," you hear in your ear and you gag, both from the pain in your head and the sight you're being forced to watch.

With all the things you've seen, with all the things you've been through, everything shrinks in comparison to what you're seeing now. You feel like your heart is being torn apart, shredded into a million tiny pieces and you can only howl out in pain until a hand clamps down over your mouth. "Shut your damn mouth, whore."

You sob into the gloved hand as your daughters innocence is ripped from her on her fifteenth birthday. You watch and cry and wish it was you instead of her while you feel yourself dying on the inside.

Silence hung heavy in Joel's kitchen when you finished. Joel looked like he wanted to break something, whereas Ellie sat on the other side of you with a somber expression on her face. Tommy let out a breath and ran a hand over his mouth.

"Maria," he said and leaned forward til he leaned on his knees. His wife nodded, seemingly straining to keep her mask of neutrality intact. "Yeah," she replied lowly, then cleared her throat.

"N' you're telling me he's entitled to what. A fair treatment?" Joel spat the words out like they're too bitter to keep in his mouth. You could feel his eyes on you, running over your head like he was looking for the scar he now knew is hidden beneath your hair.

"He does." Maria inhaled deeply opposite you and brought order to the stack of papers she brought with her. "But fair doesn't mean unjust." Then her hand reached across the table and squeezed yours. "In light of your... experience, I would suggest to the council that we work with your testimony as I've written it down, so you don't gotta repeat yourself over and over. Would that be in your interest?"

You felt some of the tightness in your chest slowly releasing.

Maria nodded as you voiced your agreement. "Good. Please read this over to make sure I got the details right. It's important."

When Tommy and Maria were gone, Joel and Ellie sat with you as you read through your own testimony. You had to set the pages down a couple of times, and each time, they were there with hands on your back, on your thigh, intertwined with your own. They silently helped you relive your worst nightmare for the second time that night, and you didn't know how to give voice to your gratitude.

Joel protested when you got up some time after dinner and announced you'd be going home for the night. There was something wild in his eyes, worry mixed with something you couldn't quite place, and it warmed your heart to see him so worried for you. You had to assure him thrice with a hand on his cheek that you would be okay, that you would come and find him if it got too dark, and that you would be back first thing next morning.

"I'll break down your damn door if you ain't here at 6am sharp," he growled and you had no doubt that he meant it. "I know." You leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "Good night, Joel. I'll see you tomorrow. Night, Ellie." She waved you goodbye, and Joel brought you to his backdoor, his hand on the small of your back as he walked you there.

"You sure you'll be good by yourself," he asked again when you turned to leave. The smallest of smiles appeared on your lips.

"Yeah. I just... need some time to digest everything."

He looked at you for a moment before finally nodding. "Alright. G'night, sweetheart."

You knew he kept watching you as you walked through his backyard and then up the street, and you couldn't blame him. But you had meant what you said. You needed to be alone.

You needed the time to think about the fact that for the first time in two years, there was a chance your daughter was still alive.

"I'm coming for you, baby," you whispered to yourself as you slowly walked yourself home.

Tomorrow, you would ride out to find her. Tomorrow, you'd go and look for your babygirl.

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[moodyboozewriting]

red flags and long nights (ghost x soap)

pt. 1/?

warnings: graphic descriptions of violence and gore, implied/referenced SA, ghost's past, hurt/comfort, angst

pt. 2 here

Simon wakes to a resounding silence. It ricochets off the walls, and it’s loud. It’s the loudest he’s ever felt. Louder than gunshots, or the explosions of bombs. Louder than the silence that followed the last crash, his mother’s voice snuffed out in the face of unbidden cruelty. He holds his breath, the way he might have once done to listen for his father’s footsteps and gauge their direction. But there are no footsteps now. He lays back down. He can’t go to Johnny’s, not now. Johnny is in medical, and it’s Simon’s fault. Johnny got close. Too close. And Simon, in his infinite wisdom, let it happen. His idiocy would get Johnny killed, he knew it. So he stayed away. He let Johnny wake up alone every day of the week while he remained confined to his quarters, dreaming of gore. Every bit of violence Simon has ever seen is plastered onto Johnny, and those he hadn’t. He tries to save him, he really does. But his hands fail, and he’s pulling Johnny’s liver out roughly. Frantically scooping his brains out of the bowl of his skull even though they’re falling apart in his hands. He’s digging through Johnny’s body, sobbing as he squeezes his heart so hard it pops to coat his hands a mess of warm blood and viscera. Johnny’s ocean blue eyes are always open. Staring up at him. Sometimes Simon does vile things to him. Stuffing his bloody gloves in Johnny’s mouth while he shoves his hands where he’s sure they aren’t wanted. Sometimes, Johnny’s still alive. Dead or alive, Simon always throws up after those ones. 

It makes Simon miss the hallucinations. At least then, he knew it wasn’t him. It wasn’t his mind coming up with what he saw. But there are no hallucinations now. And Simon knows it’s too personal to be someone else’s sick images planted in his head. No, this was him. Simon’s own mind grew weeds, invasive and vile, as they fed on his heart and began to swallow him whole. Bit by bit, like a python swallowing prey, it consumes him. He barely registers a meeting with Price. He’s approved- no, encouraged- to take a week of leave. He blinks, and he’s in his apartment. His four barren walls, settled between two abandoned parking lots where Manchester teens play hooky and shoot the shit at odd hours. Something in him register’s the time, a comfortable 0300. He drops his bag on the floor, feet like lead carrying him to his bed. He vaguely registers his phone lighting up with a message before he passes out. 

Simon awakes from his restless dreams with a start. The sound of banging rises up above his heavy breaths and thundering heartbeat, and it takes him a moment to realize that it isn’t coming from the volatile couple next door. No, in fact, it’s coming from the door. His door. Fuck. Simon scrambles out of bed, wiping the sweat from his brow as he ambles to the front door. He swings the door open, and a hand poised to bang again nearly hits him in the face. He barely flinches, but the impact doesn’t come. Instead, he gets a rough clap on the shoulder. It startles him out of his daze, and all he can feel is the strong grip of the hand grasping him. 

“Bloody Jesus Ghost, ye look like shit.”

And Simon can’t help his heart stuttering. His eyes drift down to meet Johnny’s. Vibrant, sea-blue stares back pointedly. Vividly. There’s life in his eyes, Simon thinks. He repeats it in his head: Johnny is alive. 

“Are ye gonna let me in or just stare at me forever?”

Johnny snaps Simon out of his daze for the second time in only minutes. He shuffles awkwardly to the side, holding the door open. It’s an invitation. Johnny knows Simon would have slammed the door in his face if he really didn’t want him there. But Simon is weak for Johnny alone, so he lets him in. Johnny stands with his arms crossed as Simon closes the door. Simon wants to recoil under his gaze, feeling exposed despite the surgical mask over his face. That pointed look never left Johnny’s face. It makes Simon want to squirm, or flee. 

“You didn’t come.”

It’s a simple statement, but it packs enough of a punch to make Simon want to double over in pain. But he can’t, not in front of Johnny, so he stares back.

“I don’t remember making any promises, sergeant.” 

His response is clipped. Johnny only gets angrier. It simmers underneath his skin, slowly building. 

“I had to hear from Price that ye’re fine.”

He forces his eyes to roll. Johnny deserves better. Simon will make him see that.

“Don’t see why that warrants a home visit.”

A conflicted look flashes across his face, and Simon doesn’t know what it means.

“Oh come off it, Ghost. Don’t act like we’re not-“ 

Johnny starts, but Simon doesn’t let him finish.

“Not what, Soap? Last I checked you’re a sergeant and I’m your lieutenant.”

Johnny stares at him dumbly.

“Tha’s it? Just a sergeant and his superior officer? Tha’s all ye think of us?”

Simon’s eyes narrow. They tell Johnny that he’s toeing a dangerous line. Johnny stares back defiantly. He knows, and he doesn’t seem to deter him.

“Anything else you came to tell me, Sergeant?” Ghost responds in that same clipped tone.

Johnny stares at him with an unbridled ire, and it tears Simon up inside. He feels the sudden urge to rip open his skin, pry his ribs apart and yank out his heart to present to Johnny. To give it to him unhindered, to tell him it’s you, it’s always been you. But all he does is stare. He remains frozen in his spot, staring down into the crystalline azure sea he’d happily drown in every day for the rest of his pathetic life. 

“Would it kill ye to just… fuckin’ talk to me for once?” 

There’s something else in Johnny’s eyes now. If Simon reached out and moved the layers of anger, he might be able to catch a glimpse of something more. But Johnny is well-guarded, and Simon’s never been good at picking people apart. Not emotionally, anyways. Simon just stares at him. He can hardly bear to do anything else.

That’s when Johnny decides he’s had enough. He just sighs, tearing those perfect blues away from Simon and walking towards the door. Simon’s heart jumps up into his throat as if it means to expel itself, since its owner was too damn cowardly to do it himself. Simon cringes as a choked noise bubbles up from his chest and out of his mouth, sudden and unbidden. Johnny stills, but he doesn’t turn. Simon has barbed wire wrapped tight around his vocal cords. He can’t do anything but follow after Johnny, his hands shaking as they hover over the man’s broad shoulders. He’s grateful when Johnny turns around, so he isn’t held with the monumental task of making contact. His relief is dispelled immediately when he sees those blues swimming with unshed tears. Simon has to swallow to keep his heart from leaping right out of his mouth and into Johnny’s waiting arms. 

“Johnny…” is all that comes out at first. It’s weak and pathetic, just like him. 

“I can’t… I don’t… talking is…” it all comes out in a sorry, nonsensical stream, and Simon finds that his legs are giving out as he sinks to his knees. This isn’t what he wanted to do, or what he wanted to say. He presses the heels of his palms frustratedly into his closed eyes, trying (and failing) to repress a stuttering sob. Simon can’t look up. He doesn’t want to watch as Johnny turns heel and walks out of Simon’s dingy Manchester flat. A beat passes, but then by some miracle he feels strong arms wrapping around his bowed head. Simon wonders if he’s started to hallucinate again. He feels gentle fingers in his hair, soft words in his ear and warm breath by his jaw through the mask. It’s all too much. Simon breaks, falling apart hopelessly in the arms of the only person he’d ever loved like this. He clings to Johnny as he sobs, fists tight around the fabric of the Scot’s t-shirt. He feels a hand rub soothing circles onto his back, and it only serves to break him further. Johnny lets him break, holding the shattered pieces together in his arms. The fabric of his mask is so loaded with tears he thinks he might waterboard himself, so he pulls away slightly to pull the thing off before collapsing into Johnny’s chest again. 

It’s miserable and pathetic in the way that only Simon can be. He’s helpless as Johnny’s fingers dig deep into the recesses of his fractured mind, pulling out the weeds with the strength of armies and the tenderness of him. “M’sorry, Johnny.” 

His words are slurred and incomprehensible as his heart, and they feel like his first words in years. John just hushes him softly with that untamed care of his.

Simon repeats himself, strings of broken and desperate apologies tumbling from his lips as he only clings tighter. His spell is only broken at the sound of an always comforting voice. 

“Simon,” it says softly, sweet hands beckoning him to raise his chin a little. He complies, because of course he does. 

“You don’ have to apologize to me,” Johnny's voice reassures, as if Simon’s whole world isn’t crashing down. 

But that’s just it. He’s Simon. He’s always been Simon, and he’s always hated it. It wasn’t just Simon he hated, but Johnny too. He hated that Johnny saw Simon. Saw him buried beneath the layers of Ghost, dug him out and wiped the dirt from his hands as they walked from the grave. And Simon, as gone as he already was, just followed. He would follow, for as long as Johnny would lead him.

[greatonlinetrainingsposts]

SAS vs. R vs. Python: Which Tool is Best for Data Analysis and Visualization?

What is SAS Programming?

SAS (Statistical Analysis System) is a software suite used for advanced analytics, business intelligence, data management, and predictive analytics. It’s widely used in industries like healthcare, finance, and government, particularly for data analysis that requires a high level of precision and regulatory compliance.

SAS programming is especially popular for:

Data manipulation and cleaning,

Statistical analysis and reporting,

Predictive modeling,

Business intelligence and visualization.

SAS programming has a long history, making it one of the most trusted tools for enterprises handling large datasets. Its ability to handle complex analyses and integration with databases makes it a solid choice for corporate environments.

If you're new to SAS, enrolling in a SAS online training course can be a great way to get started. These courses will help you understand the fundamental concepts and give you practical skills to effectively use SAS for your data science projects.

What is R?

R is an open-source programming language specifically designed for statistical computing and data visualization. It has a large and active community that continually contributes to its vast library of packages. R is widely used in academic research, statistics, and data science.

R is a strong choice for:

Statistical analysis (advanced statistical tests, hypothesis testing, etc.),

Data visualization (with libraries like ggplot2),

Machine learning (through packages like caret, randomForest, and xgboost).

One of R's biggest strengths is its ability to generate stunning data visualizations, making it ideal for projects where presenting data insights visually is important. Additionally, R is favored for its statistical analysis capabilities, especially when you need to perform complex statistical models or tests.

For those just starting out with R, following a R programming tutorial or taking a structured course can help you get comfortable with its syntax and functions.

What is Python?

Python is one of the most popular general-purpose programming languages used across multiple fields, including data science, web development, artificial intelligence, and more. Its versatility and simplicity have made it a favorite among data scientists and developers alike.

Python is widely used for:

Data analysis (with libraries like Pandas and NumPy),

Machine learning and deep learning (with frameworks like TensorFlow, scikit-learn, and PyTorch),

Data visualization (using libraries like Matplotlib and Seaborn).

Python’s syntax is straightforward and easy to understand, making it a great option for beginners. It's also highly extensible, meaning you can integrate it with other languages and tools, making it perfect for a wide variety of tasks. Moreover, Python's rich ecosystem of libraries for machine learning, data manipulation, and visualization make it a top choice for data science projects that involve predictive modeling, automation, and AI.

SAS vs R vs Python: Key Differences

Now that we’ve briefly covered what each tool is good at, let’s dive deeper into how SAS programming, R, and Python compare when it comes to their suitability for data science projects:

1. Ease of Use

SAS: SAS has a steeper learning curve, especially if you're new to programming. However, its comprehensive documentation and user support make it a solid choice for those who need to quickly learn the basics. If you want to get up to speed fast, you can consider taking a SAS online training course, which provides structured guidance and real-world examples.

R: R has a more complicated syntax than Python but is tailored for statisticians, making it ideal for data analysis and complex mathematical tasks. Learning R can be a challenge at first, but many R programming tutorials provide helpful examples to guide beginners.

Python: Python is known for its simplicity and readability. It has a very straightforward syntax that is easy to learn, making it ideal for beginners. It also has a vast community, so you can easily find resources and tutorials to get started.

2. Data Handling and Performance

SAS: SAS excels in handling large datasets, especially when working in enterprise environments. It is optimized for performance in complex data management tasks and can process massive amounts of data without crashing. This makes it a go-to for industries like finance and healthcare, where data accuracy and performance are crucial.

R: R is very efficient for statistical analysis, but it can struggle with very large datasets due to its memory limitations. For smaller to medium-sized datasets, R is great. However, if you're dealing with very large data sets, R can become slow, unless you use specific packages like data.table.

Python: Python, with libraries like Pandas and NumPy, is excellent for handling datasets of varying sizes. It performs well with medium to large datasets and offers a variety of tools to scale up for big data through integration with distributed computing systems like Hadoop and Spark.

3. Statistical Analysis

SAS: SAS is known for its powerful statistical analysis capabilities, including regression analysis, ANOVA, time-series analysis, and more. It is trusted for high-quality, validated results, making it a great choice for sectors like healthcare, where accuracy is essential.

R: R is an excellent choice for performing complex statistical analysis. It has a wider array of built-in statistical tests and models than SAS or Python. With extensive libraries for statistical analysis, R is often the go-to language for statisticians and data scientists focused on research.

Python: Python offers good statistical analysis capabilities through libraries like SciPy and StatsModels, but it's not as extensive as R when it comes to statistical modeling. However, Python’s real strength lies in its machine learning capabilities, which have grown rapidly thanks to libraries like scikit-learn.

4. Machine Learning and AI

SAS: While SAS is excellent for traditional statistical analysis, it is not as flexible as Python when it comes to machine learning and AI. However, SAS does have tools for machine learning and is frequently used for predictive modeling and analytics in enterprise environments.

R: R is not as commonly used for machine learning as Python, but it still offers strong libraries for building machine learning models, like caret, randomForest, and xgboost. It’s more widely used in academic and research settings for statistical modeling and analysis.

Python: Python is by far the most popular language for machine learning and AI. With frameworks like TensorFlow, Keras, scikit-learn, and PyTorch, Python allows you to build complex models for deep learning, machine learning, and artificial intelligence. If your data science project involves these areas, Python is the clear winner.

5. Data Visualization

SAS: SAS offers built-in tools for data visualization like SAS Visual Analytics and PROC SGPLOT, which are powerful in a business setting. However, they are less flexible than the visualization tools offered by R and Python.

R: R is a data visualization powerhouse. With libraries like ggplot2 and plotly, R can generate stunning, customizable plots and charts. If your project requires intricate and detailed visualizations, R is a top choice.

Python: Python has excellent visualization libraries like Matplotlib, Seaborn, and Plotly. These libraries are easy to use, and Python’s flexible syntax allows you to create a wide range of visualizations, making it a great choice for data scientists who need to quickly explore and present data.

Conclusion: Which Tool Should You Choose?

When deciding between SAS programming, R, and Python, the best tool depends on your specific needs:

Choose SAS if you're working in an enterprise environment where data handling, performance, and regulatory compliance are crucial. SAS online training or a SAS programming full course can help you gain expertise in these areas.

Choose R if your project focuses heavily on statistical analysis and data visualization, especially if you’re in academic research or healthcare.

Choose Python if you want an all-around tool for data science, with strong support for machine learning, AI, and general data manipulation. Python is the go-to tool for data scientists looking to explore, analyze, and visualize data at scale.

For beginners, starting with a SAS programming tutorial or enrolling in a SAS online training course can help you quickly grasp the basics of SAS programming. Whether you choose SAS, R, or Python, mastering one of these tools will set you on the path to success in your data science career.

[random-thot-generator]

Love Thy Frenemy + Ch. 13

THIRTEEN: THE SIMPLE TRUTH

SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY X FEM READER

Summary: Perspective is everything. Time for Simon's POV.

Tags/Warnings: profanity, angst, gaslighting and manipulation, obsessive/possessive behavior, allusions to stalking

(Notes: consider this my act of contrition for the last two chapters of heartbreaking angst. 🙏🙂‍↕️)

divider & banner: @saradika-graphics

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

-

"It wasn't only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you.”

― Ian McEwan, Atonement

-

It's rare that Simon Riley is ever caught off guard.

He prides himself on being prepared for any situation. Always thinking three steps ahead, always has a backup plan. Yet he finds himself completely unprepared for the visitor that turns up on his doorstep that morning.

He's already up and moving at the sound of the door chimes, then starts cursing under his breath when he hears you unlock the door. He's told you a thousand times to let him answer it when you weren't expecting company, that it's not safe to open the door to strangers, but you never lis—

"Hey. Simon around?"

Simon freezes in shock when he hears her voice utter his name. Even as he tells himself it can't be her, that primal, animalistic part of his brain has already stirred awake, sensing potential danger.

There's a stunned pause of silence before he hears you reply, "Excuse me?"

You sound wary, confused... Upset? Why would you be upset? You don't know that's his name.

Do you?

Easing closer to the sitting room doorway, Simon peers around the corner, and his worst fear is confirmed. It's Peach, the last person he ever expected or wanted to see again.

Bloody fuckin' hell...

She's standing just outside the front door, towering over you, with an imperious expression on her face. She's trying to intimidate you, but you're standing your ground, blocking her way inside.

Peach smirks, tossing her long, black braid over her shoulder. "Simon Riley. Big, grouchy blond guy, about the size of a tank. Ring any bells?"

Simon grits his teeth, seething. She shouldn't even be here, shouldn't know where he lives. She sure as fuck shouldn't be the one giving you his bloody name, dammit! This is bad, her turning up like this. She's tracked him down for some reason, and it doesn't bode well for him or you.

He sees you tense up at her condescending tone and knows that doesn't bode well, either. "And you are...?" you bite back.

This encounter is about to go south, quick. You're not about to take any guff, but Peach is conniving and, worse, she's dangerous. As much as he wants to avoid her, he has to intervene.

"Peach," he murmurs, drawing her attention away from you. His stomach churns, his breakfast threatening to come back up.

Her smile goes wide as she removes her shades and hangs them on the neckline of her tank top. "Long time, no see, Ghost man."

Simon inwardly cringes. Peach doesn't know Simon Riley. She only knows Ghost, the skull-faced demon of the SAS. She's here looking for that man. She wants to reunite with the hard-nosed lieutenant who took her under his wing and taught her the skills to become a trained killer. She's looking for her mentor, her hero.

Her creator.

"Bloody hell," he breathes, stepping forward.

You shuffle out of the way, looking between them, but startle when Peach suddenly throws herself at him. He doesn't expect it, either, swaying with the impact as she collides with him. His first instinct is to push her off—she makes his skin crawl, but he can feel the desperation in her clutching embrace, can now see the madness teeming in her eyes. He goes very still, not taking his eyes or hands off of her.

Peach laughs, the sound shrill and manic, tightening her limbs around him like a constricting python. "Did ya miss me?"

Yeah, like a fuckin' toothache, his mind snarls, but he holds his tongue. Petty insults won't gain him anything. He needs to find out what she's doing there and how she found him.

Simon feigns amusement at her deranged behavior and sets her down, holding her at arm's length. He pretends he's chuffed to see her to keep her calm, get her talking. "Whad'ya doin' in the UK? Heard ya cycled out an' turned civvie."

She shrugs then nods. "I did. I work in private security now; I get paid to babysit a Hollywood starlet. Had to fly over for some movie premier she's starring in, so decided to give Soap a call. Had to laugh when he told me where you had moved." She wrinkles her nose, points her finger, looking sly and crafty. "But don't get pissed and beat the shit out of him for tellin' me. He knew you'd want to see me."

That's a crock o' bullshit. Johnny knows how Simon feels about her; he's made no secret of it. She's managed to dupe the big eejit, somehow, probably stole his intel straight from Johnny's cell phone.

Simon shakes his head and grunts. "Still shoulda kept his gob shut," he mutters, but he keeps his anger on a tight leash. He can't afford to set Peach off, not with you standing so close.

But, dammit, he's pissed. He'd warned Johnny about her when he learned the sergeant was still in contact with her. He'll be having a few words with Johnny once this cock-up has been dealt with.

Simon becomes aware of you watching them, and his gut drops. From the corner of his eye, he can see that you're struggling, trying and failing to hide your hurt and confusion. Yet he doesn't even look in your direction. He can't; he won't. It's too dangerous.

It galvanizes him, thinking about what Peach might do to you if she realizes he has feelings for you. He has to protect you, even if it means breaking your heart in the process. He won't risk Peach going into a jealous rage and attacking you. Christ, he needs to get you away from her, somehow.

Then, you present him with a golden opportunity, as if you had just read his mind.

"Um, sorry to interrupt, but I've got to get to work."

Peach turns her attention to you, and Simon can feel his hackles rise. There's a sadistic gleam in her eye, her grin saccharin sweet.

"Is this the live-in housekeeper Soap was tellin' me about?" She grabs your hand, and Simon flinches, his heart racing. "Deedee, right? Don't mind me and Si. We go way back." Her expression turns sly, her grin wicked. "We used to sleep together, didn't we, big guy?"

You blanch at her words, and Simon wants to throttle her. First, she's calling you his bloody housekeeper and next she's insinuating that load of bollocks? But, truly, it shouldn't surprise him. This is classic Peach.

She's loves playing her fucking head games, which is what she's doing now with the both of you. She's fishing for reactions to suss out your relationship, throwing her half-truths out like bait, waiting for a bite.

Yeah, he slept with her—for warmth in freezing safe houses, from exhaustion during long transports, but it was never sexual. The conniving bitch is making her play with a false claim, daring him to deny it, because it will confirm her suspicions, that he cares about you and what you think of him.

"Fuckin' hell, Peach," he growls, pretending to be only mildly annoyed, but he doesn't call her out on her bullshit nor does he look your way to gauge your reaction. He keeps his focus on her and pretends indifference.

"What?" she giggles, staring him dead in the eye, still prodding, still testing him. "We did sleep together. And I still miss my big teddy bear keepin' me warm at night," she coos at him, pushing him, but he doesn't break, doesn't react.

Getting nothing from him, she sets her sights back on you again, and Simon's gut tightens. Peach laughs at your stunned expression, no doubt savoring the moment.

"We actually used to work together," she tells you. "Believe it or not, this big lug here trained me to be a pretty decent sniper." She nudges him and grins, and Simon's hand twitches with the urge to choke her out. "When we weren't cuddling under the blankets, that is."

She's toying with you. He's convinced her there's no feelings for you on his end, so she's rubbing your nose in it now. She's like a mean girl torturing a wallflower with her crush. She's as petty and cruel as she ever was.

"Oh... I see," you murmur softly, and the defeat in your tone makes him want to howl in fury at his own impotence.

He can barely look at you, guilt consuming him. "Gotta go up an' shut down my PC, then I'll take ya t'work."

You glance up at him, and the betrayal burning in your eyes nearly brings Simon to his knees. He waffles for a split second, but he knows Peach is watching, observing every little tic and muscle twitch, looking for the slightest change in nuance of his expression. So, he does the only thing he can do, he gives you back a blank stare and turns away.

Then Peach says something that makes his scalp prickle in warning.

"No worries, big guy. Let me take her. My rental's right out front." The way she looks at you, Simon knows she's not done playing with you yet. She wants to see you squirm. "Your work's not far, is it?"

You look so bloody helpless, caught in her snare as you shake your head. "No. I work at the pub by the green. The White Dog."

"Yeah, saw it on my way in." Peach whacks Simon's arm, and he bites back a growl. "Hell, I'll be there and back before you even get your boots on, stud." She throws her arm around your shoulders, and he fights the urge to rip it off. "C'mon, cutie. Grab your shit and let's go."

Simon tries to act unaffected, that he simply doesn't want to put her out. "No, wait. I'll take—"

"Ah, stow it, big guy. We're already out the door," she calls over her shoulder, hustling you outside, eager to get you alone.

His only solace is knowing that, for now, she won't harm you. She'll pump you for intel, rub more of her verbal salt in your wounded ego, then she'll let you go. You're no threat to her, you see, you're just a plaything, a punching bag.

He sees you glance back at him as he watches from the open doorway. He scowls, frustrated, but doesn't stop Peach when she herds you into her rental. It kills to watch you leave with her.

But it's the look of disappointment on your face that breaks him.

>>>>>>>>>>

Pushing down the urge to follow you, Simon takes advantage of the few free minutes he has before Peach returns and starts making phone calls. He'll need help dealing with her if he wants to avoid bloodshed.

His first call is to Price. The Captain knows Peach and what she's capable of. He knows Simon's history with her, firsthand.

Peach had been assigned to Ghost for stealth and sniper training when the 141 was still working with Shadows. She was excited, eager to work with the mysterious Ghost. She called him a legend, told him she had idolized him since first hearing about his exploits from the other Shadow operatives.

Even then, she knew how to stroke an ego.

While training, Peach was allowed to assist on a few missions with the 141. She got to witness what Ghost could do when things went sideways. She saw what he was capable of when backed into a corner and fighting for his life.

And she'd loved it. Reveled in it. Worshipped him for it.

Her devotion to him turned fanatical. No one spoke ill of Ghost in her presence, otherwise they found themselves pinned against a wall with a knife at their throat or flat on their back with her boot on their neck. Reprimands didn't phase her, since Graves always let her slide. She was too much of an asset to his team.

Peach became infatuated with Ghost, was always looking for ways to please and impress him. That is what ultimately led to her downfall. She became reckless on missions, ignoring directives on the battlefield, taking unnecessary risks. It not only caused disruption during the mission, it also endangered herself and her team.

Laswell was the first to bring it up during evaluations, but it was Price who strongly suggested to Graves that Peach be re-assigned. Ghost was too much of a distraction for her, she became too volitale when they worked together. It was best to separate them, was Price's advice. Laswell backed him up.

Of course, Graves didn't like that idea much, not after all the time, money and effort he'd spent on her training, but even he couldn't deny that Peach had become a loose cannon, a liability. All three of them agreed, she had to go.

Peach soon found herself re-assigned to another team back in the States. Ghost avoided her until she was shipped out, and Price made sure she was never brought in to work with the 141 again.

Ghost cut off all contact. He thought by removing himself from the equation that it would end her obsession with him. He came to realize that they were bad for each other, fed the other's darkness, and Peach had become addicted to that, to him.

He told her as much during their one and only phone conversation that she had instigated, stressing that they would be better off apart—permanently. Then he'd encouraged her to seek out professional help and rang off.

Ghost assumed that would be the end of it, but he should have known better. Peach might have been forced to retreat, but she was never the type to surrender.

>>>>>>>>>>

Peach is ebullient when she returns. Thank God Ollie had already confirmed that you had reached work safely or Simon would have assumed the worst.

Ollie was none too pleased with the state you were in, though. With little time to explain, Simon simply asked that he keep an eye on you and not interfere. Ollie made a disgruntled noise and agreed, but demanded a sitrep ASAP.

For now, Simon has a part to play. He has to keep Peach occupied until Price can come through with more intel and a plan to safely neutralize her without harming her. It's obvious the lass is broken and in need of professional help, and Simon is not so cold-hearted that he can't empathize. He's been there himself, after all.

However, Simon won't hesitate to snap her neck, shared history or not, if Peach makes any sort of threat to physically harm you. His empathy only goes so far, and Peach is already testing his patience.

The woman won't keep her hands off of him. She's constantly in his space, in his face, running her spidery hands all over him while chattering on with her insane nonsense. She told him that she fancies them as soulmates—twin flames or some such bollocks.

She's already tried several times to get in his pants, but that's where Simon has to draw the line. He's not crawling into bed with her, no matter what her delusions have led her to believe. That part of him, she can not have. That belonged to you—or it would belong to you as soon as he could make it happen. He's done mucking about. As soon as this is over, he's staking his claim. Your his, he's yours, and that's all there is to it.

Peach is determined though. She wants to solidify their imagined bond, and he can see she's getting frustrated with his avoidance. If he continues to reject her advances, things could get ugly.

Price advised him to go along with her delusions to keep her calm, but no way in hell is he fucking her. So Simon sets out to distract her with a different form of intimate contact: sparring.

They fight in the back garden under the sweltering August sun until they're both drenched in sweat and panting for breath. Peach is exhausted but grinning, having enjoyed the close contact. She follows him back inside, docile as a lamb, when he calls for a water break.

It's too bloody hot in the house, even with all the fans going. Simon chugs down his water in three big gulps, then goes back for another.

"Dunno how you Brits live without A/C," Peach fusses, leaning into one of the fans. "We should grab a shower then go get something to eat. Preferably in an air conditioned restaurant. Whad'ya say, big guy? My treat," she cajoles.

Simon jumps at the idea. Getting her out in a public setting would keep her in check, at least. Actually, the longer they stay out and about, the better. An idea pops into his head.

"We could go tuh Blackheath. Plenty uh restaurants there. Plenty o' shops, too," he adds, casting his lure. He knows Peach is a shopoholic. The bird could spend an entire day in a shopping mall.

Her eyes lit up with glee. "Ooh, that could be fun." Her smirk turns salacious. "Do ya know if there's a lingerie shop? You could help me pick out something special to wear for you tonight," she purrs.

Simon tries to appear intrigued, but it's a struggle. Thank Christ for his face mask. "Uh... yeah, there's a few shops that sell it. We could check 'em out after we eat."

"Excellent idea," she drawls. A sly look comes over her face before she can mask it with an innocent expression. "You should probably call Deedee, let her know our plans, in case we're late gettin' back. You still pick her up every day after work, right?"

Her words make Simon's insides curdle. Peach wouldn't know that unless she'd been watching them, keeping tabs on their movements, their routines. That means she's been planning this supposed impromptu visit of hers for awhile.

Christ, how long has she been watching us?

"Yeah," he croaks, his gut twisting. "Guess I should call 'er."

Simon's not sure if he can keep this charade up if he has to talk to you. He slumps down on one of bar chairs at the kitchen island and makes the call, his body wound up tighter than a piano wire as he waits for you to answer.

Peach sidles up beside him as he listens to your voicemail recording start. She gives him a wicked grin as she starts pawing at him, fucking with him. Batting her hands away, he hears the beep prompting him to leave his message.

Holding the phone away, he growls, "Get off me, ya muppet. 'M try'na leave Dee a message."

Peach giggles, a mean little twist on her lips. "Tell her I wore ya out this morning, so I'm takin' ya out to feed ya. Gotta rebuild your strength for round two later."

Yeah. Keep dreamin', ya crazy bitch, Simon thinks, huffing a laugh. "Shuddup..." he scoffs, shifting away from her, then presses the phone closer to his ear.

"Oi, Dee. 'Me an' Peach 'r goin' out f'lunch in Blackheath. She's wantin' t'check out some uh the shops, too, so we'll prob'ly be there all bloody afternoon. Should be back in time tuh pick ya up after work, though."

He glances up to see Peach staring at him, looking miffed. 'Play along... Keep her calm...' Price's voice echoes in his mind. Simon grits his teeth, then adds, "Oh, an' Peach is gonna spend the night. Thought I'd warn ya. Later."

He ends the call, a sick feeling souring his stomach.

But Peach? Hell, she's bloody ecstatic.

-

prev. << | >> next

[deep-dive]

2024 year-end:

albums: A. G. Cook - Britpop Actress - Statik Amnesia Scanner & Freeka Tet - HOAX Astrid Sonne - Great Doubt Belong - Realistic IX Bibio - Phantom Brickworks (LP II) Billy Bultheel - Two Cycles Biosphere - Patashnik (Decrypted By Sketch) Bladee - Cold Visions Body Meat - Starchris Broadcast - Spell Blanket & Distant Call (Collected Demos 2000-2009) Camila Cabello - C,XOXO Caribou - Honey Chanel Beads - Your Day Will Come Charli xcx - Brat Cindy Lee - Diamond Jubilee Colin Self - lemniscate d’Eon - Leviathan Dawn Richard & Spencer Zahn - Quiet in a World Full of Noise DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ - Hex Eiko Ishibashi - Evil Does Not Exist Erika de Casier - Still ESP - Promise Felicia Atkinson - Space As an Instrument Fennesz - Mosaic Geotic - The Anchorite Good Sad Happy Bad - All kinds of days Hesaitix - Noctian Airgap Iglooghost - Tidal Memory Exo Jack J - Blue Desert Joanne Robertson & Dean Blunt - Backstage Raver Joseph Shabason, Nicholas Krgovich & M. Sage - Shabason, Krgovich, Sage Julia Holter - Something in the Room She Moves Kali Malone - All Life Long Klein - marked Laurel Halo - Octavia Loidis - One Day Merely & Malibu - Essential Mixtape Mk.gee - Two Star & The Dream Police Molina - When you wake up Mount Kimbie - The Sunset Violet Naemi - Dust Devil NEW YORK - Side A/B Nilüfer Yanya - My Method Actor Oliver Coates - Throb, shiver, arrow of time Otha - Club 20 Pet Shop Boys - Nonetheless Priori - This but More Saint Etienne - The Night Shinichi Atobe - Discipline ssaliva - Eat the Night Original Soundtrack Tems - Born in the Wild Tindersticks - Soft Tissue Total Blue - Total Blue Torus - Summer of Love (2024) Toxe - Toxe2 v/a - Hypersensitivity: A Decade Of Allergy Season v/a - TRANSA: Selects Vegyn - The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions Xiu Xiu - 13” Frank Beltrame Italian Stiletto with Bison Horn Grips Yung Lean & Bladee - Psykos

songs: Actress - Ray A. G. Cook - Crescent Sun A. G. Cook - Crone Amnesia Scanner - AS Over Astrid Sonne - Give my all Baths - Sea of Men Billy Bultheel - Snows of Venice - Snow Cycle Bladee - END OF THE ROAD BOYZ Boy Harsher - Machina (ft. Mariana Saldaña) [Dark Mix] Carolina Polachek - Coma Chanel Beads - Embarassed Dog Charli xcx - 360 remix featuring robyn & yung lean Colin Self - Doll Park Doll Park Contrahouse - Big Time Sensuality 2 crushed - milksugar (DJ Python Remix) deBasement - FTDJ (Thank God) d’Eon - Gilded Cutlass (Kallisti Version) DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ - Come In, Carmen Dorian Concept - Hide (Bibio Rework) Dua Lipa - Houdini (Dally L Harle Slowride Mix) Erika de Casier - Test It ESP - Break Free Fennesz - Love and the Framed Insects Fibre Optixx - What Is Love (Priori Dee-Dub Remix) Geotic - The Going Herbert - Fallen (ft. Momoko Gill) Hesaitix - Santorosae (Black Dolphin) Hesaitix - Anticrime HTRK - Dream Symbol (Loraine James Remix) Iglooghost - Coral Mimic Jack J - At Last James K - Blinkmoth (July Mix) Jensen Sportag - Power Sergio Jim Legxacy - aggressive Joanne Robertson & Dean Blunt - she’s lost control again Job - Fun Town ‘24 Joseph Shabason, Nicholas Krgovich & M. Sage - Patti Jump Source - Balance Kode9 - Nuvola Loidis - Wait & See Marie Davidson - Sexy Clown Merely & Malibu - appregiated romance Mica Levi - Slob Air Milan W. - Days in My Arms Mk.gee - Dream police Mk.gee - ROCKMAN Molina - Flowers Mount Kimbie - A Figure in the Surf Naemi - Ambergris NEW YORK - ah Oklou - family and friends Oliver Coates - Backprint radiation (ft. Faten Kanaan) Otha - Effin Pet Shop Boys - New London boy Physical Therapy & Patrick Holland - 7PM Drive Priori - Moonstone (ft. Ben Bondy) Rat Heart - Picky Eater Rat Heart - U Can See Alex Park From Ere Ryota Kozuka - Da’at: shinjuku gyoen Sade - Young Lion Saint Etienne - Daydream Shinichi Atobe - SA DUB 8 SINN6R - Ay Caramba SOPHIE - Love Me Off Earth (ft. Doss) ssaliva & DJ KIT - I see the future Tems - Burning Tindersticks - Always a Stranger Torus - Lose Control Total Blue - Heart of the World Tove Lo & SG Lewis - Heat Toxe - Som En Sol Toxe - Eating Hearts Vegyn - Makeshift Tourniquet witchcell - Killswitch Xiu Xiu - Maestro One Chord Yung Lean & Bladee - Sold Out [playlist]

movies: 103 fever (Conner O’Malley) Caught by the Tides (Jia Zhangke) Challengers (Luca Guadagnino) Chime (Kiyoshi Kurosawa) Cloud (Kiyoshi Kurosawa) Dune: Part Two (Denis Villeneuve) Evil Does Not Exist & Gift (Ryūsuke Hamaguchi) Fallen Leaves (Aki Kaurismäki) Furiosa (George Miller) Juror #2 (Clint Eastwood) La Chimera (Alice Rohrwacher) Misericordia (Alain Guiraudie) Monster (Hirokazu Kore-eda) Problemista (Julio Torres) Red Rooms (Pascal Plante) The Shrouds (David Cronenberg) Smile 2 (Parker Finn) Stress Positions (Theda Hammel) The Taste of Things (Trần Anh Hùng) Trap (M. Night Shyamalan)

games: Animal Well Astrobot Balatro Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erdtree Final Fantasy VII Rebirth Metaphor: ReFantazio Persona 3 Reload Unicorn Overlord Shin Megami Tensei V: Vengeance – Armored Core: For Answer (2008) Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth (2020) Resident Evil (2002) Vampire Survivors (2022) Xenoblade Chronicles X (2015)

[rottenzombrainz]

Aftercare

JirAlli comfort fluff to followup the angsty endi ng of Snake Milk

Unlike Snake Milk, this is sfw fluff! However, there is a lot of mention of self harm and suicidal thoughts, some eating disorder symptoms, and lots and lots of borderline personality behavior! This is basically a BPD OC x Canon comfort fic.

ooc warning for Jiro?

Alli just couldn't get it out of her head that she did something wrong. Or that something is wrong. Why does she feel this way? Jiro left because he needed his medication - that's all. But then why does it feel like she wasn't enough? Maybe a shower would wash away the discomfort?

She usually showered in Towa's bathroom. It was clean, nice, atmospheric. Alli couldn't use her own, seeing as she turned it into a room just for Kithy, but she also felt safer knowing Towa was on the other side of the door waiting for her to come read rom-com manga or watch some anime with her.

The Jabberwock girl dried and dressed herself, putting on a band-tee with a faded graphic and a pair of boyshorts before stepping out of the floral bathroom after a steaming hot shower. She was in there for what felt like a whole hour, trying to wash away her woes.

"Towa... is it alright if I stay here with you tonight? I um....I'm not in a good state of mind right now...."

Alli murmured meekly, holding her arm with her head hung low, her voice soft and shakey. The ground underneath her felt like it would crumble if Towa said no.

"Nope! Go back to your room for tonight, okay Spider Lilly?"

The free-spirited ghoul chirped back merrily. His denial was... uncharacteristic for him... Alli's heart dropped at the rejection.

"Oh.... alright.."

Usually Towa loved having sleepovers with Alli. He was always there for her when she wasn't feeling right too. But it's okay.... it'll be okay... She can just.... sleep in Stefan's enclosure again. Stefan.... Oh shit! She forgot to put Stefan back in!

Alli ran down the hallway to her room, hoping her beloved Burmese python wasn't swallowing down something he wasn't supposed to. She sighed with relief as she saw her cherished reptile curled up on her bed, right next to.... Jiro?

"There you are. I was worried when I saw Stefan out with no sign of you. Towa told me to wait for you here."

Jiro stated plainly, sitting on the edge of Alli's usually disheveled bed - which was now neatly made like one in a model room.

"Love? What are you doing here? Oh! Did you want to go again? We'll have to-"

"No. I wanted to come see you. Sorry, you didn't already have plans, did you?"

"N-No, I didn't"

None that she'd want to follow through with, anyways.

"Your skin is red. Do you usually shower for so long and with such hot water? "

"Hm? I-I-"

Jiro stood up abruptly, walking over to Alli and examining her face closely. Close enough to feel her quick breaths against his skin. She was like a skittish little mouse underneath him, trembling in place.

"Your eyes are a little inflamed too. Did you get soap in them? You should gently rinse with water before the chemicals irritate you more."

He softly rubbed her cheek with one of his hands as Alli shamefully looked away. Jiro's brow furrowed slightly before he silently pulled away, back to standing a little over a foot taller than his beloved.

"You haven't eaten much today, have you? I could tell by the lack of bloating in your stomach from earli-"

"Are you calling me fat?!"

Alli hissed, sounding slightly panicked as she sucked in her stomach.

"No. In fact, you're moderately underweight. You have the means to eat regularly and healthily- I don't want to have to hook you up to a feeding tube. It'd be quite the inconvenience with how much movement you make throughout your day."

"Did you come here just to diagnose me?"

Alli crossed her arms and pouted. Not like her usual playful pout- she seemed genuinely upset.

"Diagnose? I'm not diagnosing anything. I'm just offering solutions for problems I'm noticing. That's not why I came here though. Like I said, I wanted to see you. I brought you something to eat too. These are the kind of chips you like, right?"

Jiro asked, producing a bag of IKEA-branded chips from a bag Alli just now noticed behind him.

"Yess!! I love these!! But... you went to IKEA without me?!"

"I ordered them online a few weeks ago. It's not the most nutritious snack, but I know how much you like that store."

Alli greedily grabbed the bag from her love, an action she meant to be more gentle in doing. After opening the bag, she looked back up at Jiro to thank him- Jiro who was now holding a sports drink in Alli's favorite flavor from her favorite brand.

"You need hydration too."

He clinically stated before opening the bottle for her. Jiro walked around Alli and sat on her bed once again, right by her nightstand, and expectantly started at her.

"Thank you, baby! You're so sweet~!!"

The Jabberwock girl chirped as she cozied herself right beside the Mortkranken Vice-Captain, stuffing chips into her mouth. Alli was already feeling a little better now that she had something to eat and her love right beside her. Stefan too, curled up into a cozy coil at the foot of her bed. Jiro gently stroked the Jabberwock girl's hair as she chugged down the sports drink with thirsty desperation.

"I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly earlier. It's very important I get my injections on time. For what it's worth, I wanted to stay with you for longer."

Jiro spoke, albeit a little hesitantly. Alli's heart ached slightly at the remainder of the earlier situation, and how she felt after being left alone in the lab to clean up. But she was just being silly, petty, right?

"It's fine..."

She mumbled, but it was nowhere near convincing. Alli stuffed her mouth with more potato chips, her next words coming out muffled.

"Was Yuri mad? I'm not banned from the lab now, am I?"

Jiro chuckled dryly, smiling as he answered his Alli.

"He was furious. It was quite funny, honestly. He was so worked up he could hardly keep his hands steady as he yelled about there being a time and place for everything. To answer your question - no, you're not 'banned from the lab'. Yuri was actually very impressed with the volume of venom you were able to extract. He's hoping for you to come help with similar tasks- when you have the time."

Something panged in Alli's chest, seeing her love smile so widely as he talked about someone else- even if the other was brought up to say he had no quip with the reckless reptile handler. Her thoughts became dark and doubting once more, quickly turning into words.

"Did you fuck Yuri? Am I...not enough?"

Jiro looked taken aback by his girlfriend's question, cocking his head slightly. His eyes were wide. His brow was furrowed and there was a small frown on his sligntly-parted lips.

"No. Why would I do that? We agreed to a monogamous relationship, didn't we? I don't have any feelings towards Yuri like that either. He's my attending physician."

He stated firmly. But not defensivley.

"I-I'm sorry. Please forget I said anything I- I'm not feeling very good right now....I'm a total mess..."

Jiro's brow furrowed once more as he put a hand to Alli's temple. Then two fingers to her neck, making her flinch slightly at the touch.

"I mean like... in my head. Mentally..."

The tall ghoul leaned back and brought his hand to his chin, thinking pensively.

"Did I do something to give you the wrong impression?"

"Yes? No... No, you didn't. I'm just... reading too much into things..."

The Mortkranken Vice-Captain cocked his head more and crossed his arms, waiting for her to continue.

"Right now I just- I feel bad. I feel like you don't love me and you're gonna leave me and my whole world is going to end and- and...I don't feel safe alone right now....I feel like...I might hurt myself."

Jiro couldn't look any more concerned at his girlfriend's words. He held both her hands in his as Stefan began to quickly slither to Alli and wrap around her waist in the snake's own way of a hug.

"I'm going to stay with you tonight. If you don't want me to, you can sleep in Mortkranken while someone monitors you-"

"N-No! I want you to stay! Please! Please don't go...."

Jiro let go of her hands and placed her snacks on her nightstand before pulling Alli into his lap and hugging her tightly. She clung onto him desperately as she began to sob and shake- like a bursted pipe.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

He murmured into her ear as he rubbed her back. Jiro could feel a few tears rolling down his neck as his love cried in his arms. He wanted to do more. To help her more. Part of him wanted to go down his clinical checklist- asking her if she's been taking her medications or if she's relapsed latley. But right now, even he could tell she just wanted him to be here.

"I'm sorry, love... I don't like it when you see me like this..."

Alli wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, pulling back a little to nuzzle herself into her boyfriend's chest in attempt to hide her puffy eyes. She could feel the tightness of her throat and the moistness of her mouth as she swallowed hard.

"I don't get it. Why didn't you come talk to me about how you felt?"

Jiro asked with good intentions, genuinely confused, but something about it made Alli feel guilty and blamed.

"I didn't want to bother you... since you're always so busy. I didn't want to scare you away or for you to leave or... or.."

"I don't understand why you think I'd leave you over doubts you can hardly control. Is that really something people end their relationships over?"

Jiro questioned, despite knowing these doubts of Alli's come from trauma and irrationally. He's known about her personality disorder, about her self-harm tendencies and her irregular eating. About her need for validation and her unhealthy past relationships.

For his love to always be in such pain with no relief - it frustrated him. Usually, when things didn't look too good for his patients and they wanted it all to end, he'd help them in doing so. But he didn't want that for Alli. Making exceptions like this... it wasn't like him. Though she always had brought out a different side of him when they're together.

"Jiro... can... can you tell me you love me?"

"I love you, Alli."

Jiro didn't hesitate, not for a second. Alli's quivering lips curved into a small smile.

"I love you too!"

She giggled with such joy that one could hardly guess she was just sobbing. Jiro gently pulled her head away from his chest to plant a kiss upon Alli's brow. Her little grin reflected onto him and he snickered before running kisses down the rest of her face until reaching her lips. He murmured those three words once again, giving her a deep kiss and holding her tightly against him. - Not too tightly though, the large ghoul didn't want to hurt the slithering snake in-between the him and the other ghoul. Speaking of snakes...

"Alli- do you know where the specimen went? The one you extracted the venom from. I couldn't find it when I came back to the lab."

Jiro was a little weary bringing the situation back up, but this was about the anomaly. And it was an important question. He'd have a real problem on his hands if there was an unstudied venomous anomalous snake slithering around Mortkranken.

"Hmm? You mean Greg? I put him in the herpatarium! I can keep him, right?"

A small wave of relief washed over Jiro. There was probably no safer place for a reptile than in the Jabberwock herpatarium- aside from Alli's room. But still, the anomaly was technically misplaced.

"Well, 'Greg' is registered under being in Mortkranken's care. I'm sure he'll be transferred here once he's studied a bit more."

As long as he wasn't dangerous, that is. Even so, Alli had a way with words when it came to convincing the staff the danger (or lack there of) of anamalous animals. Her "way with words" mainly consisted of repetitive pestering... but it still worked!

"Sometimes I think about it.... -transferring to Mortkranken, I mean. So I can spend more time with you! And we can research together!"

Alli straightened herself, looking into her love's crimson eyes. Jiro raised one of his eyebrows slightly.

"It's where the brainiacs go, yeah? And I'm quite the smartie pants! But.... I love it here at Jabs. We're like a little family! A little family of anomalous animal caretakers! I think I prefer field work anyways. You know, going out and really doing something! I wouldn't wanna stay cooped up in a lab like the rest of you Mortkrankies... I think I've had enough of that for a lifetime."

A faded memory of sitting in an old office, surrounded by dust and dated things flashed into Alli's mind. She remembered when she would sit in that chair and just write all she knew in hopes she'd be let outside to learn more. It worked sometimes. But not nearly enough to keep her satisfied. She remembered feeling happy in the moment ... but it didn't sound like a very joyful memory. Not in the slightest. But that's when she felt loved. Would going back to that make her feel loved again? All the time?

"I think Jabberwock suits you. It's a very... energetic house. Without you, I'm afraid a lot of the animals wouldn't get the care they deserve. You truly love the creatures here and it shows in how healthy they all are."

"Hehehe~!! I love it when you say nice things about me~!!"

"I was just making a statement, but I'm glad it made you happy."

Alli smiled, cozying up back into Jiro's chest, tracing the shape of his collarbone through his shirt as he rubbed the back of her head.

"Thank you, Jiro. For loving me. I know i can be really diffic-"

The Mortkranken ghoul put a finger to his girlfriend's lips, shaking his head.

"You shouldn't thank me for loving you unconditionally. Isn't that normal?"

"I...I guess so, yeah...."

He could plainly hear the uncertainty in her voice and sighed, holding her a little tighter and moving his hand down to her back.

"I care about you a lot, Alli. In a way that I haven't cared for anyone else before- not that I can remember. I often scare other people away but you've been insistent on getting to know me since we've met. I'm not just with you because I'm testing the waters or trying to learn more about myself, I truly love you and I see myself having a future with you... as long as my condition doesn't worsen. And I'll remind you every day if it'll make you smile. Even if it's all hard for me to properly articulate."

Jiro waited for Alli to respond, but all that came out was a little "mhh" as she nuzzled into him. She seemed to have fallen asleep.

Gingerly, Jiro lifted his girlfriend off of him and to the right, gently scooping up Stefan next and putting the snake back in his enclosure. Alli's habits must have rubbed off on him, because he couldn't help but to kiss the snake's head before putting him back inside. Hopefully he doesn't get sick from this...

He moved his bag filled with medical supplies to the floor, placed his glasses on the nightstand, and cuddled up right next to his beloved, holding her as close to himself as he could. Jiro whispered one last "I love you" before kissing her forehead and turning off the nearby light- a lamp shaped like a jellyfish.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

[tossawary]

I do like the headcanon that it was Shen Yuan's teaching and tips that inadvertently helped Luo Binghe get through the Endless Abyss faster. Accidentally fucking himself over in a way because he cares for Luo Binghe too much is just sooooo him.

I do think there are other elements that may have helped Luo Binghe through the Endless Abyss faster. When I was making that post on a way that the heavenly demon seals might work, based on the implications in the quotes I was taking down, I formed the headcanon that the Black Moon Rhinoceros-Python in PIDW may have only partially broken the seal on Luo Binghe's demon side, potentially denying him full access to his powers and causing him pain and damage, until he could reach the Xin Mo sword and use its dimension-slicing powers to remove the last remnants of the seal. Whereas in SVSSS, Mobei-Jun, with his own special Endless-Abyss-summoning abilities, apparently ripped the seals off of Luo Binghe immediately and potentially more cleanly.

(Arguably, a sudden removal could be an even worse shock, causing a clash between spiritual systems, and causing even more pain and damage until the Xin Mo sword could be used to soothe the effects. You can come up with fun consequences either way, PIDW or SVSSS, to get the angsty headcanons that you want to explore!)

Anyway, I was thinking about the idea that... maybe SVSSS Luo Binghe making it through the Endless Abyss faster doesn't necessarily mean he's more powerful...?

Like, if we're imagining that Shen Yuan's teachings allowed SVSSS Luo Binghe to perform something like a speedrun to the Xin Mo sword (which is extremely funny to contemplate), then through sheer experience (a couple more years to cultivate/develop in the hellscape grinding level), it's not unreasonable to imagine that PIDW Luo Binghe exiting the Endless Abyss may have been significantly more powerful or at least significantly more dangerous than SVSSS Luo Binghe exiting the Endless Abyss.

(Although, even if both Binghes were the same power level, based on personality differences and goals, then Mobei-Jun's first encounter with SVSSS Binghe would be extremely different to his first encounter with PIDW Binghe regardless.)

I am currently enjoying the idea of SVSSS Luo Binghe almost immediately encountering Mobei-Jun upon exiting the Endless Abyss, having a rematch of their battle at the Immortal Alliance Conference, and then Luo Binghe losing that fight.

OP power levels are so arbitrary. I don't think it's unreasonable that even pre-ascension Mobei-Jun could (after getting pretty beat up himself, maybe) kick a young, undeveloped heavenly demon's ass. Just because Binghe has the Xin Mo sword doesn't necessarily mean that he knows how to use it. Mobei-Jun is at least 20 years older than Binghe, with potentially a great deal more training and battle experience in the Demon Realm, and depending on how you imagine his abyss and ice powers, he's potentially capable of some extremely dangerous and dirty tricks to preserve his own life.

So, like, let's say that Mobei-Jun manages to pull ahead in this fight, disarms Luo Binghe, and then throws the Xin Mo sword through a portal back into the Endless Abyss because he has no interest in keeping such a cursed thing for himself. He could just kill the seething half-demon on the ground in front of him with three broken limbs, before the heavenly demon heals up and tries to kill him again, but Shang Qinghua (who has been here THE WHOLE TIME) (who has been having a VERY BAD TIME trying desperately to stay out of the line of fire) (who didn't want to be in the Demon Realm in the first place when he's still trying to keep his cover, but he needed something for the Sun-Moon Dew Mushroom and Mobei-Jun to help him get it) Shang Qinghua says that Mobei-Jun can't just kill this boy for some reason. Holy shit, do not kill him! DO NOT! (It might break the fucking world, shit, what the fuck, what is happening...!)

And listening to Shang Qinghua has saved Mobei-Jun's skin on a number of occasions, so that's it! Apparently, he can't just kill this boy. Admittedly, he is mildly impressed by the boy's tenacity, but, like, the boy is obviously suffering poor effects from the sword's curse, may or may not be possessed by the Elder Dream Demon, and desperately wants to kill him. He's a fixer-upper, for sure.

So, like... now what?

[yichens]

so many lovely ppl keep tagging me into this so i felt obligated to do it again! thank you @chayatorns and @khaotungthanawat (and also @nongnaos earlier) ♥

Rules: Shuffle your repeat playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people.

(tried to pick songs that didn't appear last time bc my on repeat hasn't changed that much)

I. When I Look At You – Miley Cyrus

(i had A Moment a while back. let's not discuss it more)

II. 大梦归离 – Li Yuchun

III. New Beginnings – Tellow, Fredriksdotter

(thamepo watchers can probably recognize this one)

IV. 泼墨 – Liu Yuning (The Rise of Ning OST)

V. 花落无痕 – Sa Dingding (Moonlight Mystique OST)

(probably one of my fave cdrama osts recently if we don't count fof)

VI. PYTHON – GOT7

VII. The Walk – Imogen Heap

(i was having another Moment... this used to be my teen theme song or something like that. i still cannot help but love it)

VIII. 远舟的少年 – Hou Minghao (Fangs of Fortune OST)

(idk why i was so surprised that hmh manages to sound like this when i know about his idol background but i was! very surprised. boy has a nice voice)

IX. ห้ามไม่ทัน (STOP) – Sailub Hemmawich, Pon Thanapon

(This Love Doesn't Have Long Beans OST)

X. 老朋友 – Liu Yuning (Eternal Brotherhood OST)

(i've been listening to a lot of lyn songs again recently, he just never disappoints ♥)

thank you again for tagging me!! music tags are always my favorites ♥

tagging: @thamepo @jimmysea @evolutionsbedingt @phantomslink @nope4ever @pingorbnithi @chezlalune @srnileforme @snimeat @raypakorn ♥ i know this one has been going around a lot recently so no pressure at all, feel free to ignore :'D