#sharing MY experience as a system this isn’t about anyone else

[siffrin-enthusiast]

angry system and radqueer/“transdisabled” vent here, interactions okay except for radqueers. make your own post and keep it far away from real disabled people. tws for mentions of death, trauma, and hospitals.

this is not syscourse. this is my experience as a traumagenic system. this is not a commentary on anyone else except for radqueers.

i truly despise how sometimes DID is seen as a “quirky” or “fun” disorder where you get your favorite characters as imaginary friends. do you know why i split one of my silly fictional characters? for reasons i won’t disclose because i know basic internet safety, i almost died as a child. i came very, very close to dying. i was in the hospital for months and all i had to keep me from thinking that god, i nearly died was a fictional character. as much as i post about loving my system (which i really do! they saved me!) it is undoubtedly the worst thing that has ever happened to us. i would never wish this upon anyone. if i could be a singlet, if i could be whole, i would. everyone in this brain would make the same decision.

i make light of it because for the i’m going to be stuck here with living, breathing reminders of my worst traumas and if i don’t joke about it, i’m going to lose it. i only remember my early life through flashbacks. most days are a blur, weeks and months slipping by in a few blinks. i’m barely remembering to go to my college classes, and when i manage to get there (on time, too!), i don’t remember the lectures anyway. i might have to drop out until my therapist and i can figure out something to stop my body from thinking i’m going to be hurt again every time i walk into a classroom. i’m about to lose it.

i’m too tired for “syscourse”. i really am. but while we’re here, radqueer “build a headmate!!” things? you’re fucking sick. do you know that? you’re sick in the head. log off and go to a real mental health professional. “transDID” is sick. it wasn’t enough to fake it? you had to make a mockery of us, too? are you happy, loudly proclaiming that you’re roleplaying having a horrible mental illness? aren’t you ashamed? (i know they’re not. that would require them to care about anyone besides themselves.) there’s a reason none of the “transdisabled” people go to therapy, and it’s because they know they’d be rightfully diagnosed with factitious disorder. i sincerely hope you all find therapists who can provide you with what you actually need, because i promise it’s not roleplaying mental disorders on tumblr. in the meantime, i’m blocking and moving on. i’ve cried enough tears over my disorder and i know i’ll cry more of them. i’m not letting you add to my suffering.

DID/OSDD isn’t a joke or a game. it’s the result of repeated, continuous childhood trauma that the brain has no choice but to break itself in pieces to hide the trauma from itself. it ruined my life. it still ruins my life. it’s taken years in therapy to get to the point of knowing why i’m so dysfunctional, and it’ll take many years more to start becoming more functional. i make light of it here because this is my escape, for a moment, where i can be a normal, happy person instead of a traumatized shell of an adult who is really still the scared kid that wasn’t supposed to make it this long. i don’t have “friends” in my head. i have fragments of my psyche clinging to whatever takes me away from the flashbacks. do you understand?

[radiant-reid]

Hi cate, i rlly love your writing. I was wondering if you could di a blurb in virgin!reader relentlessly teasing Spence about how he probably isn’t even that good at sex and is probably small and he proves her wrong pls pls pls its been on my mind for so long😵‍💫

THIS !! but it's him ^^ because his short fuse is 10/10 also i didn't write this as virgin reader, because i wanted it to be rough, I hope that's okay <3

By the time truth or dare is being played, you're drunk, with enough shots and cocktails in your system that you're bold enough to say just about anything.

You're standing around a high table, holding the bench to avoid swaying too much, when Luke suggests truth or dare. Tara jumps in on it, and before anyone can stop to think about consequences or too much personal information being shared about co-workers, all of you are playing.

"Spencer, truth or dare?" Luke asks him, a few rounds in.

"Truth." He takes the seemingly easier option.

"What's your body count?" He asks with a grin, mostly because it earns a giggle from Penelope.

Spencer frowns. "Like people I've killed?" He clarifies.

"People you've slept with." JJ corrects after all of you laugh.

"Oh, like five. Wait, six." He counts, less concentrated after some whiskey.

You snort loudly, only aware you have a varying opinion from everyone else when all eyes are on you. "What? Do you guys seriously think he's had sex with more than one person?" You stare at him, profiling him. "Maybe two, tops."

"Damn, kid," Rossi speaks first, everyone else too gobsmacked to say anything. "You don't pull any punches."

Luke hoots with laughter. "She's calling you out, man."

When you brave a glance at Spencer, he doesn't look embarrassed. He just looks pissed, jaw clenched, and eyes narrowed, and you're not going to deny it, but it's attractive.

You're determined to push him further. "It's probably small too." You add, holding up your hands two inches apart.

That only increases the volume of everyone howling with laughter, and it gives Spencer the chance to lean down and whisper in your ear. "Second door on the left of the right hallway, five minutes." He says abruptly, voice lower than usual.

You're too stunned to say anything, and something about how magnetic he is attracts you to go. So in four minutes, you're excusing yourself to the bathroom.

He's already in the bedroom when you get there, arms crossed over his chest. Clearly, his anger didn't dissipate.

"Hey, Spence." You greet him casually, closing the door behind you. "Bring me in here to prove to me that it's tiny?"

"Shut up." He tells you, stepping closer until your toes are almost touching. "Just shut the fuck up."

The next words out of your mouth surprise you more than they surprise him. He is a profiler, after all. "Make me." You say.

His lips are so close to you that it takes a millisecond for him to be kissing you, practically shoving his tongue down your throat. His hands are all over your face, pulling you closer to him with his large fingers wrapped around the base of your neck. It's sloppy and wet, and really fucking hot.

It's a flurry to get your clothes off, both of you pulling apart after a long, passionate kiss, your thoughts tracking to the same place. They lay discarded on the floor as he pushes you onto the mattress, wasting no time getting inside you.

"Fuck, you must have watched some porn because you know what you're doing." You tease, made a little bit more difficult with his deep thrusts.

He growls against your neck. "Real-life experience, sweetheart." He whispers before biting at your skin.

"Don't- fuck- believe you." You retort.

"Can't even argue with me without moaning, huh?" Spencer asks before tutting, "pathetic." You wiggle closer, rolling your hits with him. "Like right now, I can tell you need more."

You scoff, but it's more of a moan. "Are you going to give it to me then?"

Spencer picks your thighs up, wrapping them over his shoulder and thrusting even deeper inside of you. "God, if I knew it would be this easy to shut you up, I would have done this a long time ago."

"You just never had the balls." You tell him.

"Got them now, don't I?" He reminds you, slamming into you. You can feel yourself getting closer, and he knows it too by your clenching around him. "Want to cum?" He offers.

You nod frantically. "Please." You babble. It's desperate, but when he fucks you so well, you can't help it.

"Tell me it's big." He demands.

"Fuck, Spencer, it's big. I'm sorry, it's so big, and you're really good at this." You say quickly, not wanting him to move the goalpost on your orgasm.

His fingers quickly circle your clit, and you're coming in no time, triggering his release on your stomach when he pulls out.

"So?" He asks once he's flopped down on the bed next to you. "Was it actually okay?"

"Phenomenal." You assure him, dragging your finger through his cum on your skin. "I'm eating my words."

He chuckles at your idiom. "You're cute, you know?" He tells you sincerely and affectionately. "I can make you eat more of your words if you like."

You nod. "I would like that."

[cameronspecial]

Thorn In My Side, Rose In My Hand (Part 9)

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: Soft NSFW (Not all the way but some sexual content) and it could be angst, but idk.

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 3.4K

Summary: Y/N thinks she is ready for the next step in the relationship, but what happens when she starts to think otherwise.

Masterlist

September passes by in a breeze and before anyone knows it, Y/N, Mason, and Rafe are packing for a weekend away for the boys' swim meet. The three will be going without their parents. Marvin has a big case he has to work on, Cassie has meetings with studio heads about a possible book adaptation and Ward just couldn’t care enough to go. Y/N finishes packing away a few clothes into her duffle bag. “Y/N/N, time to go,” Mason yells from downstairs. “Coming!” She zips up her bag, making sure to grab her tote bag with all of her books and Rafe’s swim sweater. She runs downstairs, accidentally exciting the pup lying at the foot of the bed into thinking they are going out together. Sparky tries to follow the girl out the door but is stopped by her picking him up and placing him into Marvin’s arms. “Sorry, Bubba, but you are staying here with grandma and grandpa. Mommy and Daddy are going to the mainland,” Y/N apologizes. 

Little does she know, Rafe is standing outside of the open front door, listening to how she just referred to him. It causes red to creep up on Rafe’s cheeks and neck. Mason walks up behind him and claps his hand on Rafe’s back. “Damn, looks like you are stuck with Sparky. He is your baby now,” Mason jokes, heading inside to pull his sister away from the dog. “No, I’m not ready to leave him yet,” she whines as her brother gently pulls her towards Rafe’s jeep. “Hi my rose, ready to go?” Rafe inquires, giving her a kiss and then taking the bags out of her hands to put them into his car. She nods her head, “Yep, Mason can sit in front with you. I’m not in the mood to talk right now. I want to read.” Rafe nods, opening the back door to help her into the car. 

—— 

They arrive at the hotel and check in without an issue. Rafe makes his way to his room, while Y/N and Mason head to their shared room. They knew their parents wouldn’t have cared if Y/N had stayed in the same room as Rafe, but she feels more comfortable staying with her brother. If she slept in Rafe’s room, it would cause her to feel pressure to have sex with him and she isn’t sure she is ready for that yet. Sure, she isn’t a virgin, but she knows that he has far more experience with more promiscuous women. It isn’t that she feels insecure about her sexual ability; it’s just that she wants to grow their emotional relationship first. 

——

The stands around the pool are filled with cheers from the support system of various swimmers. Y/N found a seat about three rows behind the bench of waiting swimmers. She can see the back of Rafe’s swim panchos with their last names on display. Swimmers wear them to keep warm when they wait on the sidelines for their races. While Rafe excels at breaststroke, Mason is known for winning during the freestyle events, which means Y/N cheers on her brother from the stands. She watches as her brother finishes his last lap and reaches the end of the pool before anyone else. He has a good five-second lead against everyone else. Y/N screams her brother’s name at the top of her lungs. 

The next few events don’t feature either of her boys, so she sits back down and pulls out her book to not block the view of other people. “Next event is men’s 200m breaststroke,” the booming speaker announces. Y/N quickly packs away her book and stands up to ensure that she will be able to see Rafe. She watches Rafe approach the swimming platform. She has to stop herself from drooling at the slight flex of his muscles as he leans down into position. The sound of the horn reverberates against the walls once everyone is ready. Rafe dives into the water and glides through the water; faster than any of the other swimmers. Before she knows it, Rafe is celebrating his win on the poolside. He is a whole thirteen seconds ahead of anyone else, which is incredible. Once he is done thanking his team meets, who are congratulating him, Rafe turns towards where he spotted Y/N in the stands earlier and points at her. He blows her a kiss with a massive smile on his face. He even went the extra mile by forming a heart with his hands and giving an air kiss into the centre of it. 

Y/N feels her cheeks heat up at his actions and she blows him back a kiss. “Are you his girlfriend?” a voice beside her asks. Y/N turns to see a tall ginger looking down at her. Y/N looks at the other girl with a smile, “Yeah. His name is Rafe and we’ve been together for about a month.” “I see, you guys make a cute couple. You must be so proud of him, though. I’ve seen him at some of my brother’s other swim meets and he always dominates everyone in the competition,” the girl praises to Y/N. 

“I’m so proud of him. I know how hard he works for this and it’s always amazing to get to see it pay off.”

“I’m Y/N by the way. I go to Kildare Academy in the Outer Banks. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s so nice to meet you too. My name is Charlie. I’m from Norfolk Prep in Wanchese. My brother is the ginger over there. His name is Charles.”

“I see a pattern with the names. He did well too. He came in third, which would mean he could qualify for the state if this were a different meet. You wanna exchange instas? It would be cool to have someone else to hang out with at these things.”

“Yeah, he did better than he did last time. And I would love to do that. I’m the only girl out of five brothers so it would be so nice to have some girl time at these things.” 

“Ouf, I grew up with Rafe and my brother. I don’t know how you did it with so many boys.”

“You get used to it. I love them but boy can they get on my nerves.”

Y/N giggles at the comment and the girls continue their conversation while walking out of the pool area. “Well, I told my brother I was going to wait for him at the restaurant. So I guess this is where we part ways,” Charlie informs her, waving goodbye to Y/N before heading off in the other direction. She leans up against a pillar with a book in her hand, waiting for her brother and Rafe to finish up so that they can have dinner. All of a sudden, hands cover her eyes and she receives a peck on her cheek. “You guys did so great today. I’m so proud of both of you. Keep it up and you both will be competing in the nationals together,” she congratulates, twirling around in his arms to wrap her own arms around his neck. Rafe looks at her and she sees the gleam of love in his eyes, “Well, as long as you are there to cheer me on, I think I have all my competitions in the bag. You’re my good luck charm.” “Ughh, you guys are so cheesy,” Mason grumbles, approaching the two with his gym bag slung over his shoulder. 

“We may be, but you love us. Hey, can we go to Gloria’s Palace? I want all-you-can-eat dumplings?” she begs, dragging both boys towards the car. “Of course. Dim sum sounds so good right now,” Rafe confirms, making sure she doesn’t hurt herself when getting into his car. “I could go for some Chinese food,” Mason adds, buckling himself into his seat. 

——

She devours her dumplings without a single care if anyone is judging her. Rafe happily watches as Y/N enjoys her food and slyly keeps adding to her plate to make sure she eats until she is satisfied. “Oooh, the soup dumplings are here. Cameron, have you tried these already? You have to try some,” she orders, not waiting for the waiter to place the plate on the table before picking up a dumpling, placing it on her spoon to let to soup out. She blows on it before gently lifting it up to his lips for him to try. Rafe doesn’t want to remind her that she was there the last time they had soup dumplings because her excitement for feeding him fills his heart with so much love. This caring side of hers she shows to the people she loves is one of the reasons why he keeps falling for her deeper. 

Y/N could read Rafe’s emotions like a book. This romantic and cliche moment they share as they stare into each other’s eyes, waiting for him to try the food. He feels the dumpling is now at a suitable temperature and shoves the whole spoon in his mouth. He makes sure to hmm to indicate that he likes it. Watching him put on a show for her, even though she knows he has already tried these because she just remembers he was the one to show her and Mason this place, makes her realize this is the perfect moment. She realizes then that she and Rafe already have a solid emotional relationship and that she is ready to go to the next step with him. She honestly couldn’t think of a better way of celebrating today’s big win. 

——

“I think I’m going to sleep in Rafe’s room tonight,” Y/N announces to Mason, who is in the shower. Mason responds, “Okay, use protections though. I don’t need any human nieces or nephews just yet.” “Mace! You could’ve pretended you didn’t know what was happening. But bye, love you,” she calls out, leaving the room to head to Rafe’s down the hall. She quickly dashes towards his room in hopes of not running into anyone. She softly knocks on his door and twiddles with her fingers whilst waiting for him to open the door. “Hey, is everything okay?” Rafe questions with worry in his voice after opening the door. Y/N is quick to nod her head to reassure him, “Yeah, definitely. I was just wondering if I could maybe sleep here tonight.” She doesn’t wait for an answer, grabbing his hand and gently tugging him into the room with her. With confidence, she isn’t sure where she got it from, she pushes him onto the bed and straddles his hips. Her lips find his and she starts to gently grind down onto him as they make out. 

He slowly pulls away from her for a second, “Are you sure about this?” “Absolutely. You make me feel safe and loved. And that’s all I need right now,” she whispers with her forehead against his. She starts kissing down his neck and sucking on his neck. His hands find their way to the hem of her (it’s really his) sweater and he pulls it over her head. Her lips find his again and she can feel his arms rounding her torso to the clasp of her bra. She helps him slide it off of her and she moans into the kiss when she feels his hands start to play with her nipples. At that moment, the worse possible thing could happen. Her mind wanders to Molly and Hannah’s conversation in the bathroom the month before. In that instant, she worries what they said could possibly be true. She knows that the boys she’s dated in the past were never able to satisfy her properly, so she pretended they did but what if that’s what they were doing with her? What if she thought she knew what she is doing, only to completely embarrass herself in front of him? 

Suddenly, this doesn’t feel like a good idea anymore, but she doesn’t want to disappoint him by stopping now. He hasn’t in any way pressured her to take the next step with him and she really wants to do this for him. Rafe notices the movements of her hips have stopped and he quickly pulls away from her. His hand removes themselves from her breasts and he lightly places them on her hips. “I know you said you want this, but I think we should stop,” he whispers into her ear. He can sense that something has shifted and he doesn’t want her to feel embarrassed by the fact that she isn’t ready to continue. However, Y/N misconstrues his words as him not wanting her. It fuels the insecurity she is already feeling and she goes on the defensive, “Oh, so you don’t want me. You’ve had a little taste of what I can do and you don’t want anymore.” He realizes his mistake and tries to backpedal. 

“No, my rose. That’s not what I mean. I can sense your hesitance. Something is wrong and I don’t want it to lead to you regretting something.” 

“Don’t blame this on me. I didn’t say I wanted to stop. I’ve had sex before Rafe. There is no reason why I would hesitate,” she spits with as much venom as she could. 

“I’m not saying there is anyone at fault. But I just need you to know that I don’t want to continue until I know that you for sure want to do this. That you feel emotionally as excited and secure as I do about this.” 

“I said I wanted this so why can’t you just listen to me? You aren’t better than me.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. Please, my rose. Just listen to me. You may be saying that you want to have sex, but your subconscious seems to be saying otherwise with your actions so I don’t want to do anything more than just kiss tonight. You can stay and we can cuddle, but we shouldn’t make love.” 

The pair has moved to be standing at opposite ends of the room and Rafe’s hands are gesticulating everywhere. Something Y/N notices he does when he is trying to explain something. Often, when he explains something in a condescending manner, he will bring the tips of his fingers near his temples and gently tap them. She found it adorable, normally. Rafe sees how her hands are pinching at the skin of her arms; a clear sign her mind is moving at a million miles her second. Her eyes are glassed over, ready to spill tears, “No, I think I’ll just go back to my room.” During their argument, she had already put on her bra to feel less vulnerable, so she quickly grabs one of his hoodies off his suitcase and leaves. Rafe takes notes of the tears she started to shed and tried to hide; this causes a pang in his heart. He also finds it heartbreaking that the sweater she grabbed is a random Carhartt sweater and not his swim one. His name isn’t going to be sprawled on her back. 

He feels his own tears start to fall and his hands shoot up to cover his face. A protective technique he developed over the years to try to hide the fact that he was crying from his father, who would disapprove of any of Rafe’s emotions. How could this have gone all wrong? He sits on the edge of the bed and tries to work out different ways that conversation could’ve gone. He knows he is going to have a hickey tomorrow and it hurts him to know that it will just be a reminder of the fight they had. He’s never cared so much for someone and he worries this could be the end of them. He lies down in his bed and prays this isn’t going to be the end of their relationship.

——

Y/N runs into the hotel room in a fit of tears. She jumps into her bed and cacoons herself into the blanket. Mason shoots up from his slumber at the sound of the door slamming shut. He looks over at his sister and worries fill every part of him. He could recognize the sounds of heartbreak. He knows she wouldn’t be in the mood to talk about it, so instead he wiggles himself underneath her blanket and wraps his arms around her shoulders to give her comfort. “It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he mutters to her. She nods her head and takes in his warmth. She closes her eyes and tries to forget what happened tonight. 

——

Breakfast and the car ride home are filled with awkward silence. Mason doesn’t say a word to avoid risking having to take a side with both of them present, but he does promise himself to hear both sides of the story and to help them make up. While Mason helps Rafe unload the twins’ stuff from the car, Y/N is quick to head inside without offering to help them. “Dude, I don’t know what happened between you two. But we are going to have a talk after I get her side of the story,” Mason warns, following his sister inside with their bags. Rafe nods without saying a word and hops into his car to go home. 

He enters the kitchen to see his father already there making coffee. Rafe is about to leave but is interrupted by his father. “Congratulations on the win. Although, I thought you would’ve brought your little girlfriend home.” 

“Thanks. And uh, Y/N and I are not really on talking terms right now.”

“Ahh, it’s about time she broke up with you. You honestly lasted longer than I expected.”

“No, Dad. We didn’t break up. We just- we got into an argument about something I said and I wasn’t able to reassure her properly.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry I assumed then. But I understand where you are coming from. Seeing someone you love hurting and not being able to help them is frustrating. But maybe it’s better you realize sooner that you aren’t able to be there for her in that way.”

Rafe is surprised by the apology from his father but refuses to agree with his father’s belief about not being able to make Y/N feel better. He still appreciates his dad trying to comfort him. It’s something new he hasn’t experienced before. 

——

Mason knocks on her door and doesn’t wait for a reply before entering the room. Y/N looks up teary-eyed from her book and eyes the hot chocolate in her brother’s hand. She puts her book down onto her book cart and shuffles over on the window sill for Mason to sit down. He observes that she is reading Red Queen, which is one of her comfort reads. And for her to be straying from her tbr, then it must be serious. Although, as long as it is not Percy Jackson, then he knows there is still hope for fixing their relationship. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it. But it’s better if you don’t bury your emotions,” Mason advises, sitting down opposite her and leaning back against the wall. 

“Why do you have to be right? I guess you can say I got into my own head when things got serious between us last night. And when he noticed my hesitance, he did the right thing and stopped even though I insisted that I wanted to continue. I know he did the right thing, but I just felt like he was saying he didn’t want me and it hurt.” 

“You know that isn’t even remotely true though, right?” 

“Of course, I do. It’s just, for some reason I felt like I needed to self-sabotage myself and now I don’t even know if he will forgive me for my stupid outburst. What if I ruined everything?” 

“Hey, hey. Take a deep breath. You know Rafe wouldn’t just give up on you like that. What you are going to do is figure out your emotions and then communicate that realization to Rafe after you’ve had a little time to yourself. Okay? Everything will be fine. I promise.” 

“I guess you are right. I think I just need some time right now though. Alone.” 

Mason nods at his sister’s words and hopes she will listen to his advice. He gets up from his seat and gives her a kiss on the head. He gets to her door and turns back to check on her for a second. She has engrossed herself back in her book. He lets out a sigh of despair and leaves her room. 

Taglist: @itsalexwin @sublimepenguinpeach-blog @gillybear17 @terraeluce @f4ll-for-you

[novanoms]

Coming back at you with a classic annual post 👋

I’ve been lovingly spinning vore thoughts in my head but always forget I have a place to share them so here you go (put under read more since it’s rlly long):

Been rotating in my head an idea of Reluctant pred/Willing prey, where the prey only feels comfortable enough to sleep when in the pred’s tum, but the pred hasn’t actually eaten anyone before that. Now I know this is more of a common thought, but my specific idea is that it’s like Character A isn’t really a pred at all, just so new to the experience/thought as a whole. Character B is just so oblivious to any and all worries that A might have because they’re completely safe but have to convince B that it’s true before they’re allowed in.

Mainly applying this to like a H//umans a//re s//pace o//rcs situation, where the human on board is a bit upset but used to the fear that everyone else has around them, so they kinda put up with the solitude while being as docile as possible to their small shipmates. One day, one of their shipmates asks if it was true that humans had a [insert alien name for stomach here], and the human is like “Oh they’re gonna freak out if I say yes but I can’t LIE to them.” In the end they tell the truth, and instead of freaking out, the alien asks if they could “Spend the night”. Of course the human is overjoyed by this, keeping cool on the outside. They’ve finally got the chance to make a friend!

Things do get a little confusing when the night comes and the human is asking specifically where the alien wants to sleep, turning to concern when the small creature reiterates their tum. Human gets a bit freaked out but their shipmate, ever oblivious to their reason for concern, is very confused. Mainly over their behavior for two different reasons.

Firstly, they’re confused since the shipmate’s species is known for this kind of thing?? They’re invulnerable to the dangers of the digestive system, producing a chemical agent that allows the organ to be safe for living creatures inside while insuring that there are no long term affects that would bring harm to the pred. But they’re quick to realize that maybe the human doesn’t know that? Secondly, they’re confused as to why the human is acting so…concerned? Scared? It’s almost shocking, cause the alien, along with all their other shipmates, were under the impression that humans were this aggressive, stoic, predatory creatures that were better left alone than risk getting mad. The only reason they actually approached the human was because they had no other option. They hadn’t slept for days, whatever simulated version just wasn’t cutting it. When they did some research and found that humans had something exactly like it, they had to try. So to see what they thought was a stone cold predator, looming over them with nothing but concern and worry in their voice, their hands hovering nearby as though the little alien would crumple any second? It’s a real shift in perspective. A jarring one in fact.

Now it’s the aliens turn to calm down the worried human, explaining everything to ease their concern. After a bit, the human is able to calm down and hesitantly agree to do it since their shipmate is so sure of it and really needs some sleep. I can imagine the human gingerly swallowing their shipmate and just anxiously hovering their hands around their tum. Their shipmate is in instant bliss, this was 10x better than whatever organism they had on their homeworld! So soft and squishy and warm, they’d pass out immediately if not for the constant fretting of the human. Eventually they’re able to get into a comfy state, and human is just curled up and holding their tum, their crew mate tucked away sleeping soundly.

I can imagine afterwards, the crew would’ve instantly heard about this and be asking the alien what it was like and they’re like, “It was the softest thing I’ve ever slept on and I felt like the safest creature in the universe :)”. The human might have to set some limits since they’re having trouble keeping down the amount of shipmates already in their tum, but the others seem content to spend the night snuggled up to them instead when there’s not enough room inside. While they’re having a bit of a stomach ache, the human is just so happy to finally befriend their shipmates and make them feel safe ❤️

[maskofthetragedy]

Dressed Up.

//uh very very brief mentions of alcohol//

other than that expect more content soon real not clickbait

more news at 11

Enjoy.

------

You grumbled, attempting to tear off the fancy necktie you had bought the other day on the way to the spider’s room. Sure, you had decided to give dating a try, even after the terrible track record that was your love life. But hey, at least this guy seemed different, right?

Oh, how very wrong you were.

This royal jackass had decided to leave you waiting in the dining area of a nice restaurant, prepaid by you of course, so it ended up with you drinking some very ill booze. The alcohol wasn’t refined to your tastes, as most liquor isn’t, but hell… you paid for this and you were damn well gonna enjoy it.

At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself.

After an embarrassingly long time of waiting and being told to leave, your feet seemed to move on their own accord, quickly dragging your slightly dazed mind out of the room. Now, with that whole ordeal out of the way and checking your phone to yell at the dumbfuck who just ruined your day, you had come to the realization that he had ditched you.

Well, shoot dang.

And of course the weather was gloomy on the walk back, but you were grateful that it didn't start to fucking rain on the way home - or well, the shared residence between a Queen and her goons. 

Underground. In a cave system. 

Because that was the agreement.

When you had learned of your colleague getting turned into a literal demon, you were shocked at first, as anyone should be. But, there was the spark of empathy and concern for your friend. If you could call him that, which was still very debatable. The two of you had mutual respect for each other, and at times you two had talked and been vulnerable, that was usually after plenty of sleep deprivation though. Anyway, the point is that you can still go rant to him about your not so good day, and he would probably take your side in this situation. Just hope and pray that he’s not working ‘overtime’, in a cranky mood, or something else entirely.

The makeshift door to his room is closed, as usual, and you knock three times.

“You may enter.” His voice sounds a bit tired, and you reconsider disturbing him with your rather unfortunate experience. But you’ve already knocked and he’ll probably get more pissed if you just leave without saying anything after that.

And so you enter the dimly lit room, making sure to close the door behind you.

“Uh, hey man.” You mumble out, suddenly feeling very self conscious about your fancy as fuck clothes. Because normally, you’d stick to casual attire, but you had wanted to seem better put together for this guy.

The demon raises an eyebrow when he finally turns his swivel chair around, giving you a look of both intrigue and confusion.

“Well, what’s the occasion? Is someone getting married?” He asks, setting down the printed circuit assembly he had been messing with back on his workbench.

“Well, no. I might’ve gone on a date.” 

He chuckles, pointing a pen at you and your shattered dignity. “Dressed like that? Really, I mean you look nice, but isn’t it a bit much?” 

You huff, going to sit down on the floor next to Syntax and continue retailing the events of today. “It was a fancier establishment, mind you. But I was stood up by the dickhead.” 

He just nods, going back to his electronics. The odor of the soldering iron is there, indicating that he had been and was still working. 

“Mm. That’s unfortunate. But continue, if you will? I have a feeling that’s not all.” 

You roll your eyes, mumbling quietly. You’re not upset, but just annoyed that he’s able to read you this easily. Or maybe you’re just an open book, you’ll probably never know unless you ask with him about it. Which is something you’d rather not ask the technician since he one referred to you as a 'bright neon billboard' rather than the usual book in that analogy. “Yeah. I tried messaging or calling, but when I looked on my phone, I couldn’t find his contact info on anything. It’s like he just disappeared.” 

Syntax sighs, glancing over at you sitting on the floor next to him. The sight to him is quite silly, you in such formal wear,  yet still choosing to rest on the ground. “Just don’t let Hunt know or see you like this, he’ll never stop bullying you.” 

You chuckle, but nod anyway, it’s quite true that he wasn’t too fond of you. But then again that spider wasn’t fond of anyone, well, besides the Queen. Then you speak up again, replying to his words with something other than a movement. “Yeah, yeah you’re right. But c’mon, that man bullies everyone. He’s a straight up menace.”

The demon laughs, though it’s more like those airy ones where you just exhale quickly, yet everyone calls it a laugh. He doesn’t turn the chair again though, just focusing on connecting wires and doing what he does best.

Computer hardware.

“True, but you do look nice. I’ve never seen you so dressed up before, and the man that stood you up must either not have good taste, or he’s just plain… idiotic.” Syntax muters out, turning off the soldering iron, seemingly finished with whatever he was doing.

You’re slightly surprised at his words, but you still smile at the… compliment? You’re assuming that was a compliment. Eh, it doesn’t matter, he’s being nice. “Yeah, I guess so.” You’re unsure of how to respond, but you say something anyway.

“You finished?” A small question is asked, your curiosity not being able to contain itself.

“Hm? Oh, yes. I’ve completed the work load for today,” Syntax replies to your inquiry.

You nod and give the technician a thumbs up, looking at him from the floor even though he’s not facing you. There’s a small pause, where you’re a bit unsure of how to further continue the conversation. So instead, you look around his quarters. For the first time noticing a small radio sitting in the corner, it plays some quiet music from a station.

You can’t really pick up on the beat, or the lyrics for that matter, but Syntax seems to enjoy it either way. Then, you just start to wonder what exactly this technician meant by his previous words. And soon enough, you’ve already come up with a mental theory board filled with red string and notes.

“Are you going to continue to daydream, or are you going to accompany me for coffee?”

You snap out of those thoughts, noticing that he’s standing now, his eyebrow raised while he was watching you mumble and staring at the radio for… only the gods know how long.

“Oh, yeah. Okay, okay, I’m getting up-” However a quick glance at your techy watch, courtesy of Syntax, would tell you that it’s already really late. Like, nearing ten PM late. 

“It’s dark out,” Your voice speaks, a hint of confusion growing there too.

“Yes, and? You expect me to go out in broad daylight?” He mutters, revealing to you that he doesn’t mean a trip to the group’s kitchen area. 

He means going outside.

And then, you remember how you look. The fancy clothing that currently adorns you, you think its amusing now, but some small part of you is still concerned about the thoughts of others. The spider seems to read your expression too well, so a plan comes to form in his mind.

“Well, if you’re nervous about something so… insignificant. Then, I guess I have no choice but to assist you.”

You’re immediately lost as to what this means. Syntax just ends up walking a few steps closer to you, looking you dead in the eyes, and in the most monotone and bemused filled voice goes:

“You look decent, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional, now stop fretting. But if you don’t… I will be needing your credit card without your supervision. My caffeine is very necessary, and I won’t hesitate to spend your savings for such a purpose,” He gives you a smirk, seemingly satisfied with how your eyes widen and your words don’t seem to be wording at all.

“Fine, fine. I’ll come with you to fuel your addiction,” You mumble, trying to ignore the slight heat on your face.

“Exellent. Now, should I call Hunt as well? Maybe he’ll have some other words of encouragement about your attire, hm?”

“Oh, fuck off.” 

He laughs, the sound just as cocky as he is. But he does hold the door open for you, allowing you to exit his room. Well, it’s time for some caffeine and spending some of your cash on this dickwad.

[aclaywrites]

Excellent, actually. After my divorce and move back home, I had completely given up. I’d never had much luck dating throughout my whole life. This isn’t whining, I was always fine with having friends and being social, sometimes I wanted sex but I was never the kind to sit around pining. After moving back to OK, having a young child and living with my parents for that first year, I figured this was it and that was fine. I’d get a home for me and my baby and just settle in.

My ex wife is British and lives in the UK (as do many Brits) so our kid goes to stay with her for the summer. It gives me a nice break and recharge to make me a better mom throughout the school year. After I got our home, and Kid went off for her holiday, I decided I needed a bit more of a recharge and began to look for what I started calling my Summer Shag. Not a girlfriend. That’s too much. I don’t need anyone on my island trying to make me feel shit, I just want a few dates and some physical attention. Middle aged women have Needs and that’s no lie. So for a few years I’d use dating apps starting about this time of year (late April) and see who I could find. Someone who’s down for good times and knows that this is absolutely just some summer lovin’, have us a blast.

Mostly it worked. I did have the 😱😱😱 racist date I told about in an earlier post, and sometimes it took a little longer to make a connection, but the dating apps were great. See pics, do preliminary chatting. One of my flings I met on Lex, the app with no photos, just talking and sharing. Very nice. Even when it wasn’t a match, just scrolling around looking at who’s out there and what their lives are like was interesting. Who else is a lesbian in central Oklahoma?

So that worked well for a few years, even during lockdown. Amazing what some private chats can accomplish in a world gone mad. Then one May I started the quest, swiping around and seeing who was available. I see some pix of a super cute dyke who headlines her ad ‘I can cook and fix shit’. Heck yeah! Swipe on her! We start chatting that evening and by the time we were able to actually meet 10 or so days later, I realized I actually liked her, and now here we are years later moving in and making wedding plans. The funniest thing is that we have mutual acquaintances and a decades long history of living in the same small town. We talk often about how many times she must have waited on me as she worked in literally my favorite restaurant in town, or how often I pushed my baby carriage past her house, or crossed paths on our bicycles but never met because it wasn’t our time yet.

So yeah, online dating is really good, in my experience and opinion. Especially if you don’t live in an urban area with lots of lgbt groups etc to join, and you’re too old to go out to clubs because you get up early for work and are sleepy 😂

If nothing else, it’s a system that gave me the sweetest surprise of my life and that can’t be bad

[multiplicity-positivity]

For context, I’m not sure if I’m actually a system yet, but recently I’ve been questioning if I might be and I’m wondering if anyone else around here has ever experienced this or heard of it happening…

I used to disassociate daily to the point that functioning was very difficult, but since I’ve been taking medication for other mental health disorders, I haven’t disassociated at all. At first I was grateful for that, but now I actually feel more distressed that it never happens anymore…I get so tired and frustrated with being conscious all the time that all I want now is to be able to take a break from my body and the real world if only a little while. Anyway, I was wondering if you or anyone else has ever heard of that happening?

Hiya! Healing, growing, and getting better can often be really painful and difficult, especially if you’ve grown comfortable and used to having symptoms that negatively impacted your daily life! >_<” We talked a little bit about our experience and it’s kind of dark, so we’re putting it under a cut!

Our system personally still struggles a lot with dissociation, but there are other areas of our life where we’ve made some real progress towards recovery, and we find ourselves having feelings that are really similar to how you describe feeling about not dissociating anymore!

We used to be collectively very, very depressed, with many members feeling suicidal often. As we’ve made progress in therapy, it’s gotten to the point where many of us don’t feel so suicidal all the time. And there are parts who actually genuinely miss feeling so hopeless and worthless, as weird as that sounds >_< Because when you’re suicidal, that gives you an answer. And if you’re struggling, you can always rely on those negative thought patterns as a way to cope and escape, instead of buckling down, facing your problems head on, and focusing on finding a solution. So in many ways, living life without feeling suicidal all the time is harder… but life has more meaning now! Progress and healing can be challenging and difficult, but it is still so worthwhile! Because we can have those special moments of joy now, when we weren’t really able to in the past. :3

So sorry if this isn’t exactly what you were hoping to hear, but we really just want to assure you that we understand where you’re coming from entirely, even if we can’t relate to not dealing with dissociation specifically! >w<

When you’re struggling, distressed, or upset, maybe it would be good to try and take some time to focus on yourself and try to meet some of your needs!! This could also help you rest, relax, and recharge instead of getting burnt out due to not relying on dissociation to cope anymore. We have a lil post with some self care questions that might help - we’ll go ahead and link it here! :3

We hope this helps!! And we’re sure that other systems and even singlets have probably dealt with this same sort of feeling, even if it’s not dissociation specific! If anyone sees this and wants to share some of their own experiences, y’all are welcomed and encouraged to!! :33

[circular-bircular]

It drives me up a wall that ppl argue “anti endos are the only harassers!!!” And yet the past few days the sys course tag has been nothing but going against anti endos for? Some reason? Like just outta nowhere I started to see posts going on and on about how anti endos are sooo horrible and how dare they want anti endo only spaces like hello pot??

It’s just… infuriating to see it all bcs why the hell would anyone even consider looking at a different perspective if the first thing they see is people bashing anti endos (and often CDD systems in the same breath) and using that to uplift pro/endos like you can’t seriously claim to want anti endos to listen when everything is about insulting/shaming anti endos in a number of ways some less subtle than the last

I’m neutral on it all but if I was still anti today and thought “well maybe I should try to understand their side” and saw all that then?????? Hell no

Hell even being neutral I’m still not favorable to interactions bcs I don’t want that kinda energy in my space

Sry I’m just so GAH about it all and saw your post on syscourse stances and the harassment thing and was just “finally”

(Ough I’m so sorry I’m rambling hard on this one)

I fully agree that anti-endos aren’t the only harassers. But I also agree that endogenic systems are going through a lot right now. It’s easy for me to not see, but that’s because I’ve got a lot of folks blocked. There really are a lot of anti-endo assholes popping up each day lately, and I’m sorry for all the Endogenic systems dealing with that hatred. I’ve been there. It fucking sucks. I also am sorry for the CDD systems suffering through hatred currently, regardless of syscourse stance. It’s all hellish sometimes.

In my eyes, the way a lot of pro-endos tackle things isn’t beneficial. It’s either bait to encourage anti-endos to rage (which is often triggering to boot), or it’s just vocalizing hatred into a public space. Neither of these things are needed, especially if the goal is to make it so that anti-endos “aren’t a thing anymore.” Anti-endos fall into this same trap; many are trying to protect their disorders, but they do so via harassment, mockery, or similarly vocalized hatred. All in some attempt to “make things better for ‘real’ systems.”

It feels like many people in syscourse are doing something I like to call Aimless Activism. They know something is wrong (fakeclaiming, bad sources, ableism, etc), so they rally against it loudly and boldly, because That’s The Point. You’re Supposed To.

I’m guilty of this myself honestly. But… you need a goal. You need to have a point beyond This Is Activism, because if you don’t have an actionable goal, then you’re not actually working toward anything. You’re just shouting.

My goal on my blog is to share my personal experiences and talk about things that interest me. That’s it. I’ve tried to be an Aimless Activist for awhile now, convincing myself that it’s activism to argue online. And I don’t know, maybe to some, my blog fits that description. But at this point, I don’t… think it matters. I’m tired of playing in this giant sandbox where everyone is kicking the sand in each other’s faces while I try to build my sand castle.

I think a lot of other people are too. Has anyone else noticed how many new faces there are here? How a lot of the old faces have gone away? People are tired of the sandbox games where everyone kicks around sand. People want real things, real conversations, real connections — regardless of some stupid arbitrary label.

And that’s where it comes back to. “Stupid arbitrary label.” The ones who care about the labels are still playing in the sandbox and they’re gearing up for another round of fighting with “the other side.” Meanwhile, they don’t realize that the sandbox is only one tiny part of an enormous playground, and I’m over on the swings with friends I made in the sandbox, laughing about how nice it is to no longer have sand in my eyes.

I wish folks the best for getting out of there.

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Epilogue - 4 [END]

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Seiya, Hokuto

Proofreading: moricchiichan (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Hokuto: I’ll become happy, Father. With the people I love — as just a single ordinary human.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Reverse Live Stage

Seiya: Hocchan.

It seems you're finally done processing your calculations.

Hokuto: …….

Seiya: I know what you’re thinking; I’m your father, after all. That’s why… I have a piece of advice for you: Don’t stop calculating there.

Hokuto: …?

Seiya: As you have guessed… Well, I've taken victory this time. But the world hasn’t ended, nor have we died.

Life goes on. And you must continue to think ahead for as long as you live, just as I do.

Because I am a boring adult, you see. I can’t afford to be burnt out just for a momentary flicker of youth.

You can’t allow yourself to get fixated only on the outcome of the fight in front of you and cease thinking, either.

Hokuto: …What do you mean by that?

Tell me, Father. As much as it pains me to admit it, I don’t measure up to you yet. I can’t calculate like you do, so the only choice I have is to ask for your guidance.

Seiya: Of course. No, perhaps… Asking for guidance and giving an answer in response, or bestowing advice is the natural interaction between parent and child.

So you have absolutely no reason to feel unworthy of it.

If anything, I’m relieved. It appears I’ve managed to save face as a father…

One day, you’ll overcome me completely, that much is sure; but it would’ve been very pathetic nonetheless to have my son knock me out at the first punch.

That aside — as you can see, Rain-bows is coming out on top for this third song.

This match will end with two wins and one loss for you, making you the victor. As it was a close match, our total points will take a plunge.

Then what does that make the result? We will still be above you in the total of points, so you won’t be able to turn the tables on us.

Reverse Live will be won by Lilith.

You’ll be the close second, with there being barely any gap between our total points.

Anyone will judge it as a close battle on the whole.

Hokuto: …You’re planning to share the spotlight with Rain-bows by making us the victor in the direct confrontation, is it? You’re taking pity on us — that’s so aggravating.

Seiya: Fufu. It isn’t due to pity, though. We put our all into this match.

Your winning this match is entirely due to your competence.

Just the fact that you had a close battle with Hidaka Seiya will be enough to make your value skyrocket. It’ll be beneficial for your future activities as idols.

Account for everything, even for your distant future. If you can build up a track record and amass more evaluations of this kind, you will reach me someday.

However, this Reverse Live was arranged partly to recover CosPro from its reputation crisis. It’s unpardonable for us to lose in the end.

So you’ll have to excuse us, but we’re taking the trophy.

But you remember what I said, don't you? I don’t wish for one party to keep winning by a huge margin.

Everyone holding hands and crossing the finish line together may be a pipe dream… Yet a society with too extreme disparities only brings about riots and despotism.

If it comes to that, we may end up reversing the progress of time to those days of absolute monarchy.

The future of the idol industry should be one of friendly rivalry, where you elevate one another to greater heights — a wonderful, brand new world such as that.

It seems to be one they’re working toward, anyway; in CosPro, Ibara-kun, and in Yumenosaki, Eichi-kun.

Seiya: We mustn’t create a society where the privileged few monopolize all the profits and trample on their everyone else.

Far too much bitterness had built up throughout the application of the Special Student system, causing a great explosion…

Such as the tragedy that transpired in SS, and you’ll learn the same lesson by tracing the footprints Jin-kun left behind as the title of Super Idol pushed him to the brink.

Not to mention the events that led the greatest idol in history, “Akehoshi-kun,” to become a star in the sky…

Those were all the result of making someone bear a weight too heavy for the human vessel.

I believe we’re all meant for a life suited to our form, as a single human.

Modern society has no needs for gods and kings. I am making a contribution to aid in shaping this vision that our youths speak so passionately of.

That is my duty and choice, as someone who has lasted to this day by pure luck.

Let us descend from our thrones and liberate the treasures of our land; return the wealth we have been monopolizing to the people, as deserved.

Seiya: Though our magnates have yet to catch up to progress, dreaming to restore the old kings to power through this Project-Saga…

I’ve meant to conclude things in this way all along.

We Mentors will pass all our teachings to you, along with the limelight.

And we will go out with a bang just like this, as we retreat to the backstage, aiding you all from the shadows thereon after.

It’s in the nature of mentors to support their disciples, of adults to support children… That is the purpose of the tale that is Project Saga.

At the very least, I am committed to portraying it as such.

The heroes’ saga ends here; from now on, your lives in this reality begin.

That concludes my commentary. …By the way, the show is still going on, so you’d do well to sing instead of looking so grief-stricken.

I have great expectations for you, so show me everything you've got, alright?

Us winning this match will upset my calculation, you see. Not only do I find that undesirable, it’ll be so lamentable to know my son was so inadequate.

Hokuto: …Don’t look down on me. I’ve suffered through many defeats and tragedies, and I haven’t broken down from a single one.

I’ve inherited your endurance in not faltering at the face of any adversary, Father. No trial is hard enough to break me… No, I’m never losing to anyone, ever again.

Hokuto: Sure, Lilith will win Reverse Live, but after that…

I’m never losing to you again. Or, even if I lose the battle, I won’t lose hope. When I fall, I’ll lift my face and walk again.

I’ll become happy, Father. With the people I love — as just a single ordinary human.

Seiya: …I see. I’m so glad to hear that… Truly, I am.

Then let us sing together. With the both of us on stage, most of our audiences here are expecting the ensemble that us father and son play.

Let us answer their expectations. That’s what idols do.

Hokuto: I know. …I’ve become an idol too, Father. Just like you.

“♪~♪~♪”

[ ☆ ]

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦

[mandalorianbrainweasel]

hello!! I’m reading ‘born to play this game’ and I’m really enjoying it! Love the use of language in the story, every location we visit, the details of the cooking/serving/social behaviour, and every new character we meet!

(Thank you for sending me that way after ‘beautiful without our war paint’!) I will review as soon as I’m done (chapter 19!!!), but I was wondering if you have a tag or more written stuff on Tar vs Ka’ra, or overall a worldbuilding primer? It’s all so interesting, I’d love to know more!

Also, and sorry if I missed this, but ‘born to play this game’ is the first in the series, right? Is it intentional that we figure out Spar’s backstory alongside the main events? I ask because i got the impression that there is an obvious affection between him and Jango but I was also wondering how did Jango get (emotionally) to the point of seeing Spar as a family member? And does he think the same of the rest of the clones? If you ever explored this anywhere else in writing let me know, I’d love to read it! And if it’s just a matter of reading the rest of the series, then I will surely do that!

And thank you ahead of time for writing and sharing such a great story!!!!

Hi! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the fic so far! “born to play this game” is the first one in the series and while I may eventually write a fic about Spar on Kamino in the ‘verse, btptg was as early as I wanted to start the series because in the end it’s a series about Spar’s journey grappling with agency, legacy, and identity. I’ve kind of stopped making unique posts about my AUs on tumblr unless requested, because of lack of interest, but the tag “ssitb verse” has some stuff including stories that don’t quite fit the actual verse so get a “ssitb au verse” tag iirc. But here are a few more details to answer some questions.

Kar versus Tra

Kar and Tra as a system are very much still evolving as I write this series. I have used it in other fics since coming up with it, though. I’m marking down to write a more detailed bit about the mystical world building I’ve used in starstuff in the blood but that’s…a lot more than just Kar and Tra.

Spar’s backstory and his relationship with Jango

The important parts of Spar’s backstory will be revealed as things go on, but how he and Jango got to the familiar relationship they have in btptg probably won’t ever be touched on directly. Grappling with Spar’s issues was a fundamentally intimate experience between them, one that sparked both mutual sibling affection and an absolute mess of other emotions. There’s also some things that will be revealed later in the series that kind of primed Jango to make this relationship as is. But. Basically, Spar knew too much to ever be Jango’s child. They started off way more like a master and young padawan, but Spar’s knowledge of the family and Jango’s history meant he automatically and unconsciously undermined a lot of Jango’s authority over him. He’s probably the only Alpha who can get away with absolute screaming rows with Jango. And Jango kind of saw Spar as his own do-over. Spar never had to worry about being Mand’alor, but had Jango’s experiences, and that also led to a lot of affection. Jango trying to straddle the line between parent and teacher ended up with him falling into more of an older brother (promoted to parent trope) role. When Spar left Kamino, they formalized that.

How Jango sees the rest of the clones

Hhhh okay I’m going to preface this by saying. Spar isn’t a perfect person/character by any stretch. And Jango is even worse. I love him but he’s an absolute dick. Part of his arc in the series is literally learning to care about anyone who isn’t Boba or Spar, including himself.

So. Jango is fond of the Alphas like many teachers are of their students. He doesn’t have nearly the patience with them he does with Spar (who already gets less than Boba, especially because annoying little brother), but he likes them. He absolutely has favorites but will not speak them. As for the other clones…some he likes, though doesn’t really have affection for. Others he doesn’t. And generally he doesn’t care at all about them. And he also doesn’t have much consideration for their agency. Everything he does for them in the series is pretty much because he either sees it as necessary for soldiers’ morale or because someone makes him do it. Or because it serves another purpose for him.

[qprstories]

Introduction

Hello, and welcome to qprstories! This blog was created by me, mod Ari (they/he), to document the experiences people have had being in QPRs! While searching around online to figure out my own thoughts and feelings about QPRs, I noticed that a lot of content online only explains what QPRs are on a surface level. This can be helpful to those who have never heard of them, but not much else. Relationships, in my mind, are best not understood by their dictionary definition but by the experiences of the people in them. For friendships, romantic relationships, and other common types of relationships in our society, this really isn’t a problem, but QPRs are so niche that barely anything exists about real people’s real life experiences with them. A resource for people’s experiences in QPRs, then, would foster a deeper understanding of them for everyone, including those seeking a QPR, those in QPRs, and those looking to understand them. Hence, this blog.

What even is a QPR, anyways?

QPRs, short for queerplatonic relationships, are difficult to define because the exact meaning and terms of a QPR are determined by those involved. They are meant to a respite for those who do not wish to conform to society’s expectations surrounding romantic and platonic relationships. Generally, QPRs occupy an “in-between” between friendship and romance, offering more commitment and intimacy than what is typical of friendship without the feelings and expectations of romantic relationships. Many a-spec (aromantic and asexual) people are drawn to QPRs because it allows them to have a committed relationship without the possibly unfavorable expectations of feelings and intimacy romantic relationships offer. However, anyone can be in a QPR, it is not restricted to only aspec people. QPRs can involve anything those involved desire, including sex and raising children together, but they may not. They can be polyamorous and monogamous, and you can be in a QPR and a romantic relationship at the same time. It depends on the relationship.

What’s gonna be on this blog?

This blog is not an askblog, but it does rely greatly on asks. If you have had any experiences with QPRs and being in one, please share them! It can be as simple as a time you really enjoyed “hanging out” with your QPP or as complex as the entire story of your past/present QPP. Additionally, if you have memes or your own thoughts about QPRs you would like to share, please, send them! That’s literally what this blog exists for. The only rules are as follows

It must be related to QPRs, or more broadly, queerplatonic attraction/the concept in general. You are welcome to talk about other topics as long as they relate to QPRs in some way.

No sexually explicit content. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about having sex in a QPR... feel free to do so! Just nothing explicit, please.

No discourse or bigotry.

And that’s all!

Along with asks, this blog will also contain reblogs of other content relating to QPRs, like memes, text posts, and others. As I am also currently in a QPR of my own, I might also post stories of my own.

To make this blog easy to navigate, I’m going to use a tagging system to allow you to see the type of posts you want to see. They are:

#qprstories: Stories from people in QPRs, whether they be others or my own.

#myqprstories: Stories belonging to me, Mod Ari. My posts will be tagged with #qprstories as well as this tag.

#qpradvice: Advice about QPRs, may include reblogs.

#qprmemes: Memes about QPRs, may include reblogs.

#qprpostivity: Positivity about QPRs, may include reblogs

#qprthoughts: Thoughts about QPRs (think like, textposts), may include reblogs.

#qprupdates: Updates about this blog. 

#qprmisc: Anything that does not fit into the above categories.

One last note

If you know anyone who would appreciate this blog or are active on other social media platforms, please, share this! I want this resource to help as many people as possible.

Tagging some popular blogs with QPR-related content to spread the word: @queerplatonicpositivity @qpr-culture-is @ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity

[faithfromanewperspective]

yk I’ll bitch about purity culture as much as the next person but, it’s kinda pissing me off the way exvangelical and christian atheist spaces seem to centre the white western experience like yes I get shamed when I post a picture in a bikini or am ever intimate—emotionally or physically—with anyone—but for the most part THAT’S BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS FROM SOUTHEAST ASIA. like as much as there are pockets (and I can’t generalise the whole area. there is a lot I love about my cultural mishmash) that really value community and stuff that I love in order to facilitate that it seems, our whole culture is about masking. If you unmask you’re all western and individualist (sorry for just trying to SURVIVE when it’s impossible to connect with anyone like this).

and so no matter how much I see of ‘oh the bible doesn’t actually say don’t have sex before marriage and modesty is about not flaunting wealth’ (both of these things are true btw) it’s not gonna combat the shame that comes from nowhere near Christianity. My mother and I both found liberation in Christianity actually and guess what. we want to call out the church for abusing power too. we would know about that wouldn’t we?? and yet all the relatable stuff about rediscovering your sexuality and whatever just ends up being really culturally insensitive and exclusionary. because we’ve given up so much and yeah we want to give up our shame but not our honour, we want to feel successful in our culture in the ways that honour who we are, and have that be enough to fit in that the ways we don’t don’t matter. we want to share in the liberation we have because of Christ. but now it’s hard to fit into spaces that agree with us on these foundational things because they’re so fucking white.

and I’m ready to blame it on colonialism. this isn’t an ‘oh asians are the worse perpetrators of purity culture’ post—there’s nothing about not tempting men to sin or whatever, it’s the very fact that if you’re a woman you’re expected to be moulded into whatever society wants of you and if you’re a woman of colour it’s even worse. and yet no one wants to talk about that. about how my grandma married my granddad because how could she shame her family name by having anyone THINK that she fucked a guy and led him on and then left him even if 1) that’s how dating works, even in the 60s and 2) their sex life is none of anyones business and definitely not mine. because all these toxic systems of family honour and stuff that we’re rightfully wary of—what else do you have when your homeland is constantly invaded and when you have to work twice as hard to get recognised in the same jobs as white people thus the stereotype of the Asian nerd?? we just all want dignity in one way or another and people of colour are gonna want even more to be seen as proper when we’re already marginalised.

and so if you’re trying to create a more welcoming environment for us, do better. Asian churches tend to have that same shame and honour culture creep in, don’t you think we might want spaces to recover from that?? while holding onto our liberation because of our faith but not losing our identity in our ethnicity?? and also. don’t you think we know how to do better when we have seen the contagious trauma of people having power over our people who then go and try to do the same to each other to try and appease them and convince them we’re good? don’t you think it should be the people on the other side of this white supremacy and colonialism that might have the answers on how to solve it without making it worse?? because we’re seeing the same pattern again and again and we’re fucking sick of it.

[ladylooch]

Hello! I hope this ask isn’t annoying but Swiss person here with fam from the same region as Nico!

To elaborate on some things a prev ask said: Nico is from Brig which is still part of the (Swiss) German part of Wallis/Valais, but as soon as you go a bit further west (Sion + Sierre) they speak French, so Hisch’s two languages would be Swiss German + French! Technically speaking Swiss people also have to learn German because there’s not actually a standardized spelling for Swiss German because each canton has their own dialect, so we learn German + a second language (mostly French unless it’s like Graubünden that tends towards Italian) on top of Swiss German, kind of.

Walliser (Swiss) German IS! Notoriously difficult for non-wallis people to understand. It’s very melodic and borrows a lot from French, and just kind of pronounces things differently than anyone else? It’s kinda hard to explain, but I think it’s very nice to listen to, it’s very musical. Imo nino niederreiter is harder to understand than Nico because now that guy has one of the thickest Bünder dialects I’ve ever heard.

-> https://youtu.be/AyXXCPxq3r4 this is a fun if longer interview of baby hisch speaking a lot of Swiss German that I’m very fond of

-> https://youtu.be/Ch9occS-7ME also love this one of him touring the locker room in Swiss German to very confused teammates id imagine.

This is such a long ask but I love talking about our Swiss German guys. Hope this clears some things up??

Keep up the writing! 🥰

I cannot even express HOW happy I am that you are here!!!!! I have been hoping a Swiss person would come into my asks and share all their knowledge with us 🥰 Thank you so much! Also, apologies in advance that google translate only has High German to translate.. for Nico, Timo, AND Kevin... but I do what I can as an English only speaker 😘

You can always come and speak with me about our Swiss German babies. I love the insight into the different dialects and styles and the educational background. It's so different than my experiences here in the U.S.! I wish we were pushed to learn other languages, but the education system, where I am from at least, didn't. It isn't until your later teen years that they encourage you to dive into other languages, which we all know is entirely too late for it to stick.

OMG NINO!!!!! Ugh, still miss him with the Wild. Our precious baby that we were not ready to see go 😭 I'm very curious, what does Kevin Fiala sound like to you? Idk how his Czech and then later Swedish influence alter his dialect and language? So curious of your perspective!

Ah! Again, I'm just so thrilled you stopped by! Please continue to share your insights and I hope you don't mind, but you're being branded as a Lady Looch anon!

[not-poignant]

For the ask game, 4., 9., and .38

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Ohhhh, I don't know! Maybe the good old classic gay realisation 'oh' lol.

Anam Cara did for a little while as well, because Game Theory. As did sweetness.

Also when writing dubcon, the word 'force' goes a long long way. :D

It's not any fancy words really. Like, I love words word like petrichor etc. and pavonate and brontide, but I have to be careful how often I use those.

I'll probably think of a thousand other words later x.x

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

I sort of do and I sort of don't. I'm like... not especially passionate about it, and I'm skeptical about most people's experiences, but I've also had some experiences, and I think it's possible that some kind of energetic residue could be left behind by the dead.

As a kid I was introduced to a belief system where we have multiple souls instead of a single soul (which is actually quite common in many strains of animism), and in that belief system, a ghost is just one of those souls, where 90% of the person's soul/s have departed, and about 10% is left behind. I've been taught exorcism and cleansings of homes and done them, but I'm very 'eh' about it these days!

This is a weird response. It's like, yes, I have learned skills to deal with ghosts and spirits. Yes, I have used those skills for myself and been paid by other people to use them. No, I don't really think most of ghost-hunting is legit. No, I don't even know if they're real, or if the ritual of cleansing and exorcism is what helps more than it proving the existence of the departed. I'm on several fences, lol, I sort of hop on them and off them.

I guess you could say I'm open-minded but also fairly scientifically-minded at the same time, and I'm pragmatic. Like, I was a professional tarot reader for a long time. Are the tarot really connecting to people magically? Or am I just using a psychological tool to tap into their consciousness to help them consider things that have been floating in the background but just need some focus? Probably the latter. And that's okay. :)

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

You know, I used to think a lot of my writing process was really weird!!!

I didn't know anyone else doing it my way. I literally have never met another person who runs a Patreon that's like... moderately successful, releasing original stories chapter by chapter on AO3 of all places, where it's literally against the TOS to mention any kind of paid site like Patreon or Ko-Fi. And for a long time I felt like a fucking idiot for doing it my way, and probably the nice version of that is 'really weird' lol.

I was like, mocked by a few other writers, and the ones who didn't mock me mostly didn't get it, and it was only very few authors who kind of thought what I was doing was a good idea. And by 'very few' I mean 'authors who were already my friends and they're just supportive people by default.'

But then over time, I realised actually it was a great way to do things. AO3 is where all the best people are! I get to still write fanfiction! It's an amazing site and I don't ever have to worry about my works being censored! I can break all the novel-writing conventions and people will still turn up for a 780k story about a guy growing into a better version of a guy! And it also means that the people who find my Patreon generally wanted to find out more about me and my writing, which is great!

These days, I don't know if there's much about my process that is really weird, but I do think parts of my process are different, and they are:

I don't have a daily wordcount, I have a monthly wordcount, and I only count the words of finished chapters. Any unfinished or half-finished chapter doesn't ever count. I also log that monthly wordcount in my Discord status for accountability.

I have to increase the size of the font to 140% in Word when editing. I cannot edit a font in the same size that I write it, and it's made me a much better editor before my chapters flow to Silvia.

I do a lot of editing in my head. That is to say - I have usually played through and 'stress tested' around 2-10 ideas in my head per chapter before I actually sit down and write. I didn't realise that until recently, but that's a fairly crucial part of my writing process and not just 'daydreaming.' I say I don't plan most of my stories and I don't, but you'd better believe I have mentally stress-tested many micro and macro-scenes per chapter before I sit down to write it. That's not weird though.

I don't think actually I have anything that weird now that I think about it. The weirdest thing for me is that I don't really get writer's block anymore. I've kind of come through to the other side of that. Now, if I get writer's block, nearly 100% of the time it's just burnout, or something is broken in the story and I know that and fix it quickly. That's the Really Weird thing. It's a little lonely, because it means I no longer relate to the majority of writing memes lol.

I don't think cats say much about us at all. I think they say a lot to us, and then mostly just do their own thing :D

--

From the Weird Writing Questions meme!

[orphancookie69]

Health Around The World: Western vs Chinese

So, I don’t have the greatest relationship with doctors even in the western world as an American having grown up in USA. But my partner is from the Eastern side of the world. Normally I go to doctors, and find disappointment in the lack of natural solutions, and often answers. Which I still find shocking given how much science and technology we have these days. But, I recently went to a Chinese Doctor and man...that was an interesting comparative experience. 

Western Medicine: 

So anyone following my blog knows that I have some chronic conditions, which I have seen some doctors about and have adjusted my lifestyle for-compensating with drugs. But while dealing with infertility, I experienced abdominal/pelvic pain. I checked the pelvis out with an ultrasound, nothing there. Then I went to a Family Doctor and ordered a CT Scan. Did the CT Scan, and their guess is possible IBS, so they want me to adjust diet and see if I feel better. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my doctors these days. But the confines of western medicine limit them greatly. I am down to try a new diet, it is not the first time a doctor has told me what to eat. But it would be nice to not play a guessing game-when by all accounts I am “doing it right” by going to the trusted professional. Look out for a future blog post regarding that. 

Eastern Medicine: 

So, running errands with my partners family-we end up in a chinese herb shop with an “in house” chinese doctor. He did a reading on my partner, updated his prescription of herbal tea and then did me. He spoke Cantonese, so my Mandarin speaking family translated to English to me. 

I had a visit with a chinese doctor, Dr Tan at Wing Hip Fung in Monterey Park. Diagnosis: The doctor looked at my pulse on both hands and visually at my tongue. He said to eat less sweets, work out more, eat better, drink less cold drinks. I ran cold. My kidney is weak and leads to migraine and fertility issues. He picked up on the too much fluid in me. Also the dizziness from my chronic migraines. Also my blocked tubes, if I want to carry a kid I need to do a couple of months of meds. I was told to relax and be happy. I was given stuff to make a soup to eat after the start of my next cycle. I have been dealing with the pelvic/stomach issue with my family doctor and that has yet to discover a cause or cure. My pulse and tongue were read, and I was given a prescription for a soup base. I was seen by the doctor, my prescription was filled at the counter with traditional weight and my price determined with an abacus.

First of all, this guy did not know me from adam. And yet, nothing was wrong. I did not know about the kidneys, but in my head-I thought...shouldn’t the CT Scan or any other test caught that? While I am waiting on the timing to do the soup, I started drinking a Kidney Tea. While I do plan on trying the new diet per the western doctor, they both had something to say about diet. I don’t eat that bad, I do have a sweet tooth. But maybe keto isn’t best for my system, and how can my system be good to me if I am not giving it the right stuff? 

Time will tell what works, and what doesn’t. Does the new diet make me feel better? Do I try and carry a kid again and it works? Do I have less symptoms from my chronic migraines on the day to day? Also, I share this to open up anyone elses mind to a secondary opinion from other parts of the world-and yet I wonder if there are bilingual chinese herbal doctors out there...Would you go see one if there was? 

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey i hope this isn't weirdbut i hate our host and i want to. not. do that

i feel like he took my chance of life away from me, of being normal, of having a nice life with my brothers (<- introject) and it's really hard to get along. i don't know what to do. im so frustrated i could cry

Our response got quite long, so it’s going under a cut to spare others from having to scroll a bunch - hope that’s okay!

Hi! This is definitely not weird to ask. We have some members in our system who are in a very similar situation! They’re still working through this and trying to process their feelings, but we can share what we’ve learned from our therapist and other systems and through communicating with each other!

(Note: We come from a DID perspective. Most of our advice we’ve learned through treatment and from fellow DID/OSDD systems. We’re not sure what kind of system y’all are, but this advice may be more applicable for traumagenic systems than nontraumagenic ones. We’ll try to include a few notes on what may help a system without trauma, but that’s not our experience! So sorry!)

Okay so for systems with dissociative disorders, it’s important for all parts/alters/headmates to remember that there is no “original,” no “core,” and no “main headmate.” The host is a system member just like everyone else. In many systems, a host cannot help that they front the most and it is usually outside of their control.

If your system has roles, it may be good to remember that each of you was formed with a purpose that was assigned by your brain. It’s not your host’s fault that they were chosen or formed to be the host.

We’ll also remind y’all about the nature of dissociative disorders. They function by hiding trauma and signs of the disorder from the headmates who front every day and handle daily functioning. So your host may have gone most of their life without ever knowing the rest of your system existed! And it’s not fair to hold something against your host that they were never aware of until y’all’s syscovery.

Additionally, many systems are unable to control switches, at least not at first. So even if your host was aware of y’all, it’s asking a lot to expect them to instantly know how to switch out and manage time so that all headmates who want to front are able to. We’ve heard of systems that are able to control switches, but we haven’t met one personally! So your host likely isn’t actually taking away your chance at life. Until y’all have made progress in building trust and communication, it may be challenging for anyone in your system to control a switch, let alone the host!

It’s great that you recognize your dislike for the host and want to change! We’re also wondering if you can verbalize (to yourself, your therapist, or a trusted loved one/headmate) what feelings exactly are making up the hate. Is it jealousy? Resentment? Disappointment? Frustration? Understanding the specifics of your emotions and what you’re feeling can help you learn how to properly process and regulate them.

If you’re comfortable, perhaps try letting the host know your feelings. If switching isn’t an issue for y’all, maybe you can express how you feel like you aren’t able to front as often as you’d like, and ask if it would be possible for you to spend a bit more time in control of the body. This can allow you to invest in your interests and learn to enjoy experiencing life!

You mentioned you’re an introject - you also may benefit from examining your source and how it relates to you. If connecting with your source is causing you more pain and distress, it may be worth it to attempt some sort of source separation. The painful fact of the matter is that you exist here and now, within the system you belong to. Shifting your focus to what you can control and caring about those who are close to you may help mitigate harm and resentment towards other members of your system.

Perhaps this advice may help you regardless of your origins, or it may not. We’re sorry if these words haven’t been encouraging or helpful!

We will say this:

If you are a created headmate, it may be worth it to remind your host that you are here, breathing, sentient and alive. You deserve agency and autonomy. You are not an imaginary friend, you are not simply a “silly brain friend,” even if you were created consciously or unconsciously without trauma. Your life has value and is not inherently worth less than another member of your system’s. Agency means you should be able to have some power over your situation and choose what happens to you. Autonomy means you should have the freedom of making your own decisions that impact your life. Both of these are important for members of any system of any sort!

A therapist may be able to help you navigate these difficult feelings much better than we can. So if you’re in therapy, this may be an excellent topic to bring up!

Basically:

1) being open and honest,

2) standing up for yourself,

3) not assuming the worst in each other,

4) recognizing that being in a system can be complicated and difficult for everyone, and

5) learning emotional regulation

combined, these things may be able to help you reach a better understanding of yourself and your host, and help you deal with some of your negative feelings as a result!

Sorry this got so long… best of luck to you with everything!!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip