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jensettermandu · 3 months

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-𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙣, 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚-

-𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙤𝙡𝙡-

1.4

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𝘨!𝘱 𝘫𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦 𝘹 𝘧𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

content warning; MDNI, morally grey characters, toxic relation/situationships, domestic abuse, violence, substance use/abuse, mentions of weight/toxic beauty standards, dubcon, a lot of smut (spitting, spanking, bondage, choking, rough sex, etc. appears), age gap (legal), mentions of sensitive topics, not made for glorification of toxic relationships.

wc; 16.8k+

a/n; dubcon aka drunk sex and coercion in the following chapter

[Present]

Jennie tried not to care, she tried to just go on and pretend that she didn't care because she knew that she shouldn't. What she had been living for was mindless sex, she had never looked for anything more than to wet her dick and be on with her life. She had done everything, said I love you, I need you, I care for you, I only want you, and no one ever needed to know whether or not it was true. There was no happiness in her life, not lasting happiness, the temporary was always there. It was all gone now though.

She felt useless, she felt like a loser and she blamed it all on the vixen who walked back into the room.

Y/n threw her phone onto the bed and got on it, Jennie was busy on her phone as Y/n crawled over to the older woman.

"Why do you look so angry?" She questioned as there was a small frown on Jennie's eyebrows and she didn't look up from the phone neither did she answer. The younger girl made it over to Jennie's lap and straddled her. Her eyes scanned the woman who was ignoring her. She had always found her attractive, she loved the sex Jennie provided, and she also liked those sweeter sides of her, but aside from that her personality got rotten at times. Y/n wasn't pointing fingers, she knew she was no better if she was cheating.

It did make her feel better to know that Jennie was just as horrible. Y/n could feel herself fading right into Jennie and the person that she was. It just started to happen.

"Is it about condoms?"

"The marks?"

"Was I too big of a bitch for your fragile ego?"

"Not letting you take a picture?"

"Or because I said that I wasn't going to fuck you more tonight? Could change..."

Jennie sure was good at ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder. It didn't hurt Y/n, it irritated her because she knew that Jennie then would come out of nowhere and expect everything.

She leaned in, her lips trailing her ear as she grounded down on Jennie's cock that was stirring to life the second the girl had come to her lap. Jennie was waiting for whatever dirty words she would start spewing, but it didn't turn out how she had hoped–

"You're jealous."

It was a conclusion drawn and it sounded bizarre in her mouth, but it was the only thing that seemed to get the older woman's attention as she looked up from her phone and Y/n pulled back.

"I'm jealous? Of who?" She scoffed and Y/n hummed, running her fingers to Jennie's clavicle that was covered by her shirt. She ran her fingers up, trailing her nails along the side of her neck until she reached her jaw.

"Asher."

Y/n winced, that harsh and familiar grip she had become a victim of multiple times now came to her wrist. It happened in bed, but also outside the bed with no intentions for it to be sexual. It didn't feel fair as Jennie was ten times stronger, Y/n was only 4 inches taller, half a head and always felt in need to submit to her when Jennie used all her advantages on her.

"Of what? His girlfriend is cheating on him, why would I be jealous of being cheated on? He doesn't even have a big enough dick for you to feel good. He can't even touch me with a ten-foot pole because I stand so fucking tall before him." She turned off her phone, her tone held a warning to it. Y/n had tested that tone times before, she ended up losing her voice because of how they started to shout at each other.

"By an inch, don't let it get to your head."

"I'm 6.3. Inch and three." She murmured.

Y/n rolled her eyes, Jennie's fingers digging into her waist where she held the girl. It seemed like her most prized thing was her 6.3-inch dick and Y/n never bothered to ask why she was so specific about it. The woman was a true loser. It made it even harder for Y/n to understand why she was staying. Maybe because they had become so alike that she barely saw a difference between them anymore. Neither of them was better than the other.

"You know, he maybe can't touch you with a ten-foot pole, but that also applies to you when it comes to me because this is all you get and the second I am with him or talk to him you get like this. That's jealousy if I ever saw it."

"Wanna know something?" Jennie asked and licked her lips, looking up at the girl in her lap. Her hand let go of Y/n's waist and she reached up to the collar of her shirt, bunching it up and pulling her closer. The two of them could hear the threads snapping from the movement that stretched the material.

"What?" Y/n's tone wavered as she looked Jennie right in the eye, being a few inches away. Her breathing was now less shallow as the fears Jennie knew how to work on her were coming to light.

"I own you, I own you because your whole relationship depends on what I do to you."

Y/n's jaw clenched at those words, knowing that Jennie had all the proof she needed to ruin her relationship. She was stuck in the middle, in a place where she had to make a choice but couldn't even if she knew that the right thing was to come clean and break up with Asher and leave Jennie too.

She hadn't been able to come up with a good enough excuse and she was letting it drag out just for that reason even if she knew that there never would be a good enough reason. He was too good for her. It was a conflict she never should have become part of and now she was stuck with Jennie blackmailing her.

No. Y/n never sent her anything with her face in it or with something that would be able to tell that it was her like any part of her bedroom aside from the plain white sheets.

It didn't mean that Jennie didn't do things without her consent.

She should have known better that the woman would at some point record her committing these sinful crimes, that she would catch Y/n in the City of Sins where she was drowning in her lust and selfishness.

Y/n couldn't do anything, not even take legal action because it would all just backfire.

This was Jennie Kim.

Y/n was too scared to break things off even if she didn't want to. All these reasons to leave, but she still couldn't do it, it seemed like she only needed one to stay and it wasn't even the video that forced her into staying. It was Jennie whenever she wasn't an asshole.

She glanced at the phone that was beside them on the bed, Jennie catching it and a smirk plastered itself on her lips at the fact that she did own the girl in her lap. Y/n couldn't leave her unless she wanted Asher to leave too. She would be left all alone if that happened.

Y/n hated being left and alone.

Jennie clearly remembers the girl saying it herself.

"I could delete that one video–completely and not leave a trace of it anywhere. That freedom would feel amazing, wouldn't it Y/n?"

In the end, Y/n always got the short end of the stick with Jennie. She was always the one mocked by the end of the night. She was stuck at a point in her life where life wasn't as enjoyable anymore. Jennie had made it hard and she only had herself to blame. It went away though, it went away with the pills and alcohol and she somehow still dragged herself through school.

Y/n's life was crumbling apart because she had cheated and continuously was. It was crumbling apart because she was fading into Jennie and her lifestyle. Slowly it ate her and at some point, there would be nothing left. She would be all that Jennie was, wouldn't she?

"For what?" It was always a bargain as their eyes gazed into each other. Jennie let go of the girl, her numb fingers coming back to life as the woman fixed her shirt. She leaned in and left a peck on her cheek and Y/n closed her eyes as she grabbed hold of Jennie's shoulders who started to kiss down her neck. Her lips were soft, their touch lingered and tingled her skin, feeling how her toxins seeped through her skin to nestle itself deep within Y/n. It had been going on for so long that without those toxins her body didn't feel right. It was so messed up, wasn't it? Despite not thinking about Jennie, all her body could do was go through withdrawals without Jennie around.

"I already have your dignity don't I? How about you break up with him?"

She quickly grabbed hold of Y/n's wrists again as the girl tried to pull away when Jennie's lips wrapped around the skin. "Fucking stop." It meant nothing. This time she sucked hard and the more Y/n tried to pull away the more trapped she got when Jennie moved forward and pinned her down on the bed with her arms pinned beside her head. The squirming did nothing as her chest heaved while Jennie trailed wet kisses all over the thin skin before she bit down at the juncture between her shoulder and neck.

"I didn't hear you say yes, star," Jennie mumbled and slowly pulled away, her eyes looking at the harsh two marks on the girl–at the juncture and pulse point.

"I'm not fucking breaking up with him, asshole." Y/n spat out and looked at Jennie with a scowl. The way her heart was beating felt uneven, it was the effect of Jennie, it was like drugs and Y/n wanted nothing more than to quit. The longer they stared each other in the eye the more she knew she grew attached and addicted though. She hated the way Jennie looked at her, the way she stared into her eyes, all Y/n wanted to do was push her away every time she did. Jennie wasn't allowed that, she had no place in Y/n's home to look at her that way.

Jennie was the one who started it. She was the only one doing it.

"He might enjoy the video of you sucking dick in the bathroom with your eyes all red from how fucked on drugs you were...His sweet little girl is far from the perfect angel she tries to be."

It was one stupid night where she had lost all sense of awareness. Now it felt like everything depended on it.

It wasn't like that—it was exactly like that, but it used to be different.

She'd smoke weed now and then and took molly on certain occasions such as festivals. She had tried her fair share of everything, but she had never done it in a way that became routine. The same way Jennie became a routine. It was all destroying her life and she had lost the ladder after the fall.

She wasn't the girl Asher had fallen in love with, that person was buried and Y/n had no clue where. She would dig up her corpse if she knew where she died, but the vixen had no clue. It left her with this new star. The one that was far from who she used to be.

"Fuck me." Y/n finally spoke up and Jennie raised her eyebrows at the request, her dick throbbing in response. She just wanted to forget once again and she could when the brunette was pounding her. All those fears and worries went away because there was nothing to worry about when there was no one to judge. What was seemingly meaningless sex was what her life was becoming. "Fuck me however you like, but just do it."

Jennie had managed to break her down, there was only so much the girl could take when she was in her chokehold. At some point, she would have to beg Jennie to let her breathe. She had almost broken her to the core and Y/n's put-up walls crumbled as it was hard to keep up with her life that was constantly pacing.

"Where's the limit?"

"I don't have it aside from protection, more hickeys, or questionable bruising."

Jennie didn't like any of those limitations, but she took what she could.

[Summerfest]

"Y/n, stop," Asher said and pulled her away from him as the girl was trying to pull him down to reach his neck as her head reached to his shoulders. Her hands were at the hem of his pants and before she could reach any further down he grabbed hold of her hands. She frowned, confused about why he was pushing her away when she wanted to give him what they had fought about.

"What is it now?" She whined, being held back from touching him in any other way.

"You're high again, you can't be on E every day." He seriously spoke and Y/n rolled her eyes.

"I'm not on E, come on." She reasoned as she wasn't on ecstasy and he frowned.

"What then?"

"Doesn't matter, but I want you." It truly didn't matter as every day was something different, or she was mixing. Anything as long as it pulled her through her days.

He exhaled deeply and held her hands down when they tried to come back up to him. He didn't fail to notice the look of hurt on her face. It was enough to make him feel terrible, but he couldn't do it.

"You know that I'm not comfortable with doing anything like this in public, baby." The older guy didn't get the response he thought he would get from his girlfriend. The understanding that he always got because that was what she was. What he received was a roll of her eyes filled with annoyance as she pulled her hands out of his light grip and leaned back against the stall. Not taking notice of his hurt, her mind was racing with other things.

"Do you not love me anymore? Or am I not fucking hot enough or what the fuck is it, Ash?" Y/n threw the questions at him, growing insecure over her boyfriend not wanting what he had been complaining about. It didn't make sense if everyone else would throw themselves at her–she'd ignore them aside from one person–but he wouldn't.

"It's not that–"

"Oh my God, then what is it? You are the one pushing me away. I don't understand this distance."

Y/n knew she was being immature, but only she could know that because only she knew that she was cheating and having these fights with her boyfriend. Jennie knew too, but she didn't know what they looked like. The distance between them no longer made any sense when he was the one making it and not her. She didn't want it unless she was the one who needed it. Only Y/n was supposed to put distance and then pull right back. She hated it when someone pushed her away. It made her scared.

Her life was falling to ruins.

She only had herself to thank for it.

"I think we're in a new place in our relationship, one we haven't been to before and it's not a good phase either...I think we should work it out instead of solving it with sex because that's just a temporary solution."

She didn't like those words at all. All in all, she hoped he would break up with her before he found out, but once those moments came her heart picked up and she got anxious. What he had just said was enough to make her anxious because if they stayed in this place in their relationship, he would most likely leave her. She wanted it, but she also didn't want it. How would she live alone? What if Jennie left too? Y/n was supposed to leave her and stay with Ash.

She hated when someone was about to leave or she thought they were going to, it made her self-destruct and do everything in her power to push them away before they could even try to leave.

"No, that's not—it's not like that at all. You are the one making it difficult when it could be easy. I am right here to solve it, Ash."

"You're not Y/n, you're high and you want sex. I already said no. You're not solving it, you're just going to fuel it further this way and I don't want that for us. Let's just talk it all out when we get back home."

"But–"

Y/n tried to argue about it, she didn't want to wait for him to possibly break up with her once they would be back home.

"Please, baby, I love you and only want this to work out the best for us."

It brought her no reassurance. What if he was lying to make her feel better for now to not ruin her week? Why couldn't he just grab the devil's horns and force it to work instead of trying to find a peaceful way in a warzone?

"Just enjoy the week and I am here if you need anything else."

Y/n walked past him, unlocking the stall before leaving through it. It pissed her off, he always let her walk away, he never did anything to make it work right away but gave it time. She didn't need that. She needed much more than that. What she needed was for someone to just take the lead because she lost it when she had it—someone to decide when she was grounded and when she wasn't. She wanted someone to control everything for her because she never had any control.

Her phone buzzed as she walked out of the bathroom, making her take it out from the black purse before she pushed the sunglasses over her eyes. Her heart was pounding, her body was hot and her energy was up tenfold.

It felt like the only people who checked on her, cared about her and asked where she was were her friends, not her boyfriend and then–

10:12 P.M. Where are you?

Jennie always seemed to care. Y/n knew it wasn't right, but at least she had Jennie's attention on her. She at least asked her where she was, with whom and what she was doing. She wasn't stupid, she knew what Jennie was–it was as if she was some possession to the woman. It was better than nothing. It was what the girl needed. It made her feel better for whatever reason even if she tried to make her change this morning deeming her clothes too revealing if she was going with a boyfriend who couldn't protect her. Maybe it was the thought that counted.

She had never needed that type of control, but she had grown used to it because of the woman and felt lost without it. It was hard to make these decisions on her own now. Jennie had her in such a hold that so much depended on her and Y/n had no clue when she gave her that control. She never did, Jennie just took it.

10:13 P.M. Leaving

10:13 P.M. Could pick you up There's a private after-party if you want to come with me I'd like that

Y/n agreed this time as Jennie had offered for her to come with her multiple times, but she always declined because she was with her friends and Asher. Not this time. She wanted out before she got too deep into that melancholy she had been running away from for the past months. There was no way that Y/n would face it, she would run and run, those burdens would become bigger and at some point, a tsunami of her problems would crash over her. It would destroy everything more than it already was, but there was no way she would face anything willingly.

She was already living with the fact that she was a cheater and unable to leave someone who was no good for her.

"What the fuck is it now?" Was the first thing Jennie asked when the girl got into the car with so much attitude still lacing her that it knocked the air out of Jennie's lungs. Y/n huffed and removed her purse as she turned to Jennie, pushing her sunglasses to the top of her head. It was as if she only came to her because she needed someone to put her in her place and Jennie would gladly do that. If she didn't, she would explode.

"I'm sorry, did I get in the car in a way you didn't like?" That was mocking. Jennie knew that.

She sucked air through her teeth as the car started to move. "I don't need you to have an attitude with me when I've been nothing but nice."

"I'm not having an attitude with you. I am genuinely asking you what the problem would be if I just got into the car, Jen. Want me to get the fuck out and enter again?" Y/n snapped, it was routine with Jennie. It was what their relationship built on and it was what worked even if it wasn't working. Even if it wasn't a relationship. It at times felt almost as time-consuming and attention-grabbing as one. She wasn't Asher in the end, and maybe that was what made it so good. Whatever emotions Y/n already felt, Jennie always made them so much stronger, so anger came easily too.

Jennie inhaled deeply before exhaling through her nose.

"Come here." Her tone wavered as she breathed the words out, and she grabbed hold of the girl's thighs. The two were separated with a divider from her driver. The vixen didn't question anything when Jennie pulled her closer before making her lay down. Y/n raised her knees to have space for her long legs on the seat.

"What did you take?" She asked with a hum, running her fingers along the girl's cheek who fell a hundred floors of attitude, landing right in Jennie's lap who was on her knees on the car's floor since it was spacious. Not only was it spacious, but the girl was worth going down on her knees for.

"Coke like 20 minutes ago," she mumbled, finding herself melting into the touch that she needed. The care and attention that Jennie provided her even if it was in the worst ways possible when she reached into her back pocket. At least she gave her what she needed. It was what Y/n needed, and what Jennie wanted. She hadn't grown addicted to drugs, she had grown addicted to Jennie who had pulled strings like a puppet master just to have control even if the puppet tried to be its own person at times. It was Jennie's poison she had grown addicted to because whenever she tried anything else there was a possibility of leaving, Jennie didn't let that happen.

"You'd almost think I'm religious." She leaned in and pecked Y/n's lips after showing the cross-coke necklace. "It's pure and better than anything else you've tried before, whether with me or someone else." She mumbled, giving her plump and glossy lips another peck before licking off the taste of vanilla that they left on her. Y/n hummed, the coke she had taken was already wearing off and there was Jennie always having everything she needed at the palm of her hand.

Jennie knew that.

Jennie knew what she was doing, she knew what to do to have Y/n dependent on her. How to have her addicted to her. To always come to her. The older woman knew exactly what she was doing when giving the younger girl things only she could give her, things she would come back for. Who else was there if not Jennie? She was enhancing the best feelings, mixing them and creating a euphoria she could only achieve with Jennie.

It wasn't just drugs.

All her problems with her boyfriends. The vixen found herself open in Jennie's arms each time after she would fuck her well enough. Jennie would coax her into letting it all out, into rambling about her problems, every little complaint about Asher, life, friends, or anything. She knew just how to get it out of Y/n. What she did with that was turn it all around and give her the things she lacked. She gave her everything he couldn't.

It would always be Jennie that way.

She watched as Jennie unscrewed it and put the top on the seat. The bitter taste wasn't good at all as it spread on the tip of her tongue, but it didn't matter as she poured a small amount on it. All that taste washed away the second the drugs started to pump through her veins and Jennie loved every moment of it. If it hadn't been for Y/n they would still hold the first place of her favourite things. Things, she owned Y/n. It was her possession after breaking her down into what she wanted her to be.

Her doll.

Her star.

Y/n moaned right into her mouth when Jennie leaned down, pushing her tongue into her mouth and sharing that bitter taste with Y/n who sucked on her tongue. It made Jennie get up more on her knees and push her tongue further into Y/n's warm and slick mouth. The vixen held onto the sides of her neck, nails gently scratching along her skin while her body fell into bliss. Their noses brushed and Jennie with a huff through it turned her head more and made sure Y/n got as much as possible as she let the girl swallow her tongue. The sucking on it was stirring her cock awake.

"Fuck–" Y/n breathed out when the older woman pulled away, making sure to lick up any of the leftover spit on Y/n's plump lips.

Jennie reached for the sunglasses on top of Y/n's head. Her eyes looked into Y/n's blown ones, their hearts slowly picking up, especially Y/n's who had a lower tolerance and the coke Jennie had shoved into her mouth was strong. It was so good, these good feelings were almost the only ones she could associate with Jennie as she always ended up too fucked up to remember the rest. Why would she dwell in the bad when the good was also there? There was no need for balance or in-between because the high highs and low lows sufficed.

"You're so fucking hot." Jennie groaned out, looking at the girl whose chest was heaving and whose eyes were searching for nothing. Her mouth went numb and the euphoria came right back before it had the chance to disappear. Jennie brought her to different types of highs. She loved them all. Only Jennie had been able to bring her to such highs and it made it that much harder to leave. What if she would never get to experience them again if she left Jennie?

Her eyes scanned over what the high girl was wearing as she had already seen her once today in these clothes. She could look at her all day. She usually did as she had followed all of Y/n's socials with her private account. Dressed in calf-high black boots, a black tube top that showed off most of her slim stomach, accentuating her tiny waits more and stopped just where her boobs started with a tight mini skirt of black denim that showed off her long legs. The most coverage was the racer jacket Jennie had forced on her not caring about what she would say to her friends if they asked where she got it from. She wouldn't let her walk out without it unless she was there too. However, looking at the vixen, Jennie was growing hard.

Y/n bit her lower lip as Jennie grabbed hold of the top and pulled it down under her chest, revealing the strapless push-up bra under it. Her chest was still heaving and she watched the powder that Jennie tapped out of the small necklace onto her cleavage. It stuck to her skin which was warm from the drugs and Jennie who wrapped around her like a blanket and kept her safe. These things had turned into her safe space.

"If it weren't for the party I would be fucking you right now." Y/n's hands tangled into Jennie's hair, biting down harder on her lower lip as Jennie snorted it off of her skin, hands firmly gripping onto her waist. It was twisting in Jennie who held back a moan as her cock strained, the stimulation always came to a peak with Y/n and drugs. Her fingers dug into Y/n's waist who pushed her chest more into her face with her grip tight on her hair. Thighs clenched at how it spread over her skin which had become more sensitive to touch because of the coke. It was all warm and comforting.

It made Y/n hum when the warm tongue ran over her skin, licking up any leftover of the powder.

She planted a few kisses over Y/n's chest, gently sucking to not leave marks, and nuzzling her face into the small but perfect breasts. Her hands caressed the skin that was scorching under her touch before she pulled away sniffling as it all travelled down her nose and to the back of her throat.

It made it feel numb and swollen as she couldn't feel the roof of her mouth. If there was something that Jennie did love, it was drugs, sex, and alcohol together with parties. She wiped her nose, closing the coke cross and putting it back into her back pocket before getting back up and pulling up the light girl and helping her fix the top.

"How is it?" She asked while putting on the sunglasses on Y/n's nose, covering the blown pupils for now just in case while taking her own that were discarded on the seat beside her. She snivelled as she tapped at her nose, wiping it again and clearing her numb throat as her heart was pounding. "Great, just what I needed." It was as if a different person was clinging onto Jennie than the girl who had entered the car. The woman grabbed hold of the sneaky fingers tracing the outline of her cock she decided she would have to tuck in before they arrive.

The party had been held at a private club, restricted for anyone who wasn't invited or a plus one. It was filled with people of Jennie's status, certain celebrities, models, and a few people of Y/n's status of being an anonymous person with a private life.

What Y/n knew was that whenever she went with Jennie to these things, first of all, the woman made sure she stayed with her, second, the alcohol never seemed to end, third, neither did the drugs, fourth, fourth were the corners, bathrooms and private places she would get dragged to by Jennie and the people she would run into there.

It was almost sad, but now that she was dragged into it too, she understood why people chose to drown in this rather than swim against the current that life was.

What she could remember after swallowing tequila like water was that she got dragged into a bathroom. By then the vixen was already slurring words and stumbling over her own feet, being guided by Jennie who made sure to let her re-dose on the white powder every 30 to 60 minutes. It was like clockwork, one person left a bathroom and the next came in without any blockades.

The billionaire was in a state that wasn't sober, but she was fine with walking without walking into everything and everyone unless someone held her. The woman was so used to them that she knew how to work around these complications they caused. Their effect wasn't as strong and any higher doses would end with death. She was making sure to take care of Y/n the whole night and she did. She loved how the vixen loved what she loved and didn't hesitate to do these things. It was exactly who she wanted.

She could remember the woman holding Y/n'a nostril closed with the snuff spoon under her other one before taking what she was handed and sniffing it without a second thought. It hadn't been registering in her head either way as she could have been told to sniff poison and she would as her judgement was impaired together with everything else. However, she didn't want anything else than to get lost in the night and get fucked over to a different universe on drugs and alcohol that she had grown even more fond of.

That seemed to be the last straw for her body though as the last thing she could remember after that was how she in the same bathroom got pushed onto her knees with Jennie's zipper flying open. "You're my fucking star, Y/n, fuck, I can make you a star." Those were the last words she could pinpoint she heard somewhere along the way of having Jennie's cock stuffed down her throat while giving her a messy blowjob from the state she had been in.

She simply blacked out at that moment. It left her with a loss of memory from the night aside from the way there in the car, the first few shots, and then being dragged to the bathroom and shoved onto her knees.

That was all she could summarise when she opened her eyes and was in the bed of the hotel room. It was like a time skip because of the gap in her memories. Her world was still spinning, still somewhat under the influence of things only God had the answer to. Her mind dissociated and nothing felt real as she looked around the room with her head pounding and such thirst that it was close to drawing tears. Her body hurt and it usually did because being a messy and destructive drunk came with its cons.

She was naked and only glanced over her shoulder at Jennie who was holding her close, her hot breath fanning the back of her neck as the woman was just as naked. She could tell that they had sex, but she couldn't remember it as she hadn't been conscious, she had been, but not conscious enough to remember. She assumed that she had been asking for it.

She reached for her phone to see it was 3 P.M. and her world was still spinning. It left her extremely confused, having no clue when they got back, how, and what more happened.

"Are you alright?"

Jennie's voice was in a rasp as she mumbled into Y/n's neck, her hands caressing the girl's stomach gently as she snuggled closer to her. Y/n couldn't even care anymore, she couldn't even tell if she was real at the moment or not, let alone would she care about Jennie cuddling her. It was comforting at the moment because it made the anxiety of being dissociated go away. It let her hold on to the reality it felt like she was losing touch with.

"Just thirsty," Y/n mumbled, dropping the phone back onto the mattress where she had texts from her friends and boyfriend. None of them seemed to matter when she was with Jennie as she forgot them.

"I will get you everything in...five minutes."

Y/n hummed at that as she wouldn't have to move to do it herself because she was sure she would throw up if she did.

"When did we get back and did we have sex?"

Jennie lifted her head at that and peeked over Y/n's shoulder, the girl was just staring ahead without anything particular covering her face, she looked impassive. She looked numb and Jennie knew that it was the come down from all the drugs and booze she had consumed. She hadn't stopped her, more so given her more or encouraged her to take more. She enjoyed Y/n both sober and fucked up on drugs and alcohol. It was better with her than when Jennie did these things alone. She knew it was all catching up to Y/n though.

"You're not mad that we did? You were begging and whining for it, I couldn't deny you and it was 5 am when we got back." Jennie replied, worried the girl would get angry. Neither of them had been in a sober state, but Y/n had been way worse. Her palm continued to soothe Y/n's thin stomach, ready to tend to whatever needs she would have during a day that would be a hassle to pull through.

It was enough to let Y/n know that Jennie hadn't even been close to as lost in the substances as she ended up being.

"No, as long as I am not unconscious," Y/n replied as despite it all she trusted Jennie not to take that type of advantage of her. That she wouldn't get on her unless she was asking for it simply because she wouldn't be able to fight back. It wasn't like she would remember if she would be blackout drunk, or maybe she would. She didn't care anymore, she couldn't find the will to care at the moment. Blackout drunk was most likely the same as being unconscious. Jennie couldn't have known if she was or not.

Yn had lost the will to care a while ago, there was a reason why she took drugs and alcohol without caring whether she would overdose at some point or not. The will to live was fading much quicker with each passing day. An overdose sounded like a dream come true. She loved what she had been consumed in, but she also hated it and at times wanted her old life back which Y/n knew she couldn't have back.

She turned to her back and Jennie pushed herself up, propping her head up on her palm as she rested against her elbow. Her eyes looked over Y/n's face before meeting her eyes when she tilted her head up to look at her. Her eyes were glossy from what she had been consuming.

She only hoped that Jennie wouldn't want anything in return for what she had been offering to Y/n. It wasn't like she was leeching or using Jennie, the woman just offered it all to her and dragged her along. Most of the time Y/n didn't even have the time to think or say no. In the same way, she hadn't had another choice but to stay with Jennie and she wasn't spending any money on anything because the older woman insisted on every little expense.

The vixen assumed that giving her her body sufficed. It had always worked as currency.

"I will get you that water," Jennie said and leaned down, kissing her forehead before she moved to get out of the bed, much less hungover and on a less extreme sugar crush than Y/n was on. The woman was already used to it.

[Hours prior, during the night]

The only thing loud for Jennie was her heart as it would always beat so hard, it felt like with each beat it would slowly rip out of her chest. It still felt warm, it squeezed and all that blood ran warm in her body, leaving it clammy, but it was like a fuzzy comfort blanket. She wouldn’t trade these feelings for the world, she wouldn’t give up drugs for the world. They were her world and unless something managed to replace them they would stay forever.

The music outside the restroom was making the door vibrate. These parties could end careers, but she loved showing up to every single one of them. She used to love them even more when she would be fucking girl after girl at them. Now the only girl she would love until she would have her release was in the restroom with her. She wasn’t leaving after either, but that didn’t mean that she loved her. Y/n wasn’t drugs or alcohol, but she still somehow worked on Jennie quite similarly as Jennie had grown addicted to her.

Just like when Jennie wouldn’t be able to take drugs or alcohol for a couple of hours and would think about them until she got them, she would think only about Y/n when she no longer was there.

Aside from that Jennie’s cock had been straining against her pants extra badly now after pulling Y/n to the bathroom. There was something so mesmerising about seeing a girl who used to be everything good, be everything bad just because of Jennie. To see something she made. This was her work of art. She went from moderately corrupted when they first met to severely corrupted and the billionaire loved every second of it.

That was why she couldn’t help herself but shove Y/n down onto her knees in the bathroom they were in.

“Jen–”

“No, no, stay down, Y/n…” She held Y/n down by her head, the girl looking up at her through her lashes with her lower lip jutting out. The marble was cold under her knees and her world was spinning. It was making Jennie that much more eager when Y/n was looking up at her while on her knees. There was something so vulnerable in her when she was on her knees which left the woman in control.

She let go of her head and her hands started to fumble with her pant buttons and zipper. It tugged the corners of her lips up when Y/n’s fingers hooked at the hem of her pants and she tugged them down just enough. “Show how much you love my cock, doll, show me how much you appreciate it.” Jennie encouraged, wanting the girl to worship her and her cock as she threaded her fingers through Y/n’s hair while she leaned against the counter behind her for balance.

Her chest heaved as Y/n leaned in, her plump lips gently pressing themselves along the outline of her cock. The precum smeared through the white fabric and Jennie hummed, sucking in her bottom lip as Y/n kissed her cock through the material. The white fabric was getting stained by Y/n’s lip gloss, leaving prints of her pinkish lips along them. Her dick was hurting from how much she wanted to be inside her mouth that teased through the boxers.

However, Y/n’s kisses stopped and the girl groaned with her eyes closed and forehead resting against Jennie’s thigh. It made the woman suck air through her teeth and she grabbed hold of Y/n’s hair, bunching it up and pulling her back to see the frown on her face.

“Suck it or I will find someone else to do it and leave you behind for someone else to do whatever they want.” Y/n was in no state to deny her, especially not when she barely knew people at this place and anything could happen to her when she could barely tell left from right. With not much choice left she tried to gather herself and push everything else aside to please Jennie who in the end has been taking care of her even if that had left Y/n barely sitting up.

Jennie pushed her boxer briefs down, taking out her scalding cock while still holding onto Y/n because the girl kept losing balance. Her dick was hard, ready to explode as she had been waiting to at least get it sucked since they were in the car. She stroked down, shivering at her touch and she held it at the base. “Show me your tongue, baby.” She encouraged, biting her lower lip as she used her length and tapped it against the girl’s cheek a few times. It was sending waves of pleasure through her body when she slapped it against her cheek, leaving her precum on it before she moved down further to Y/n’s lips.

Her lips parted when Y/n opened her warm mouth, sticking her slick tongue out. She held onto Jennie’s thigh for balance, her other hand coming up to the woman’s cock as she replaced Jennie’s hand with her own. With a shaky breath, Jennie tightened her grip on Y/n’s hair, her other hand gripped onto the edge of the counter as she swallowed down her numb throat. The girl’s plump lips wrapped around her tip, teasing her slit with her tongue, gathering her precum and swirling around her. It continued as she sucked on the swollen and sensitive tip that was twitching each time she ran her tongue over her slit.

Her throbbing cock got engulfed further into Y/n’s mouth, a moan falling from Jennie’s lips who let her head fall back. It was making her dizzy with the alcohol and drugs, the pleasure being tenfold and better than anything else she’s ever had because Y/n worked her cock so well. She wished she could have her dick shoved in her mouth for hours as the messy slurping and moans from Y/n filled the echoing bathroom. If only Jennie had the whole night, which she did, but not in this bathroom.

“God, I have to lend your mouth, Y/n and you have to take it because we don’t have time.” Jennie sighed and looked down in a haze as her vision was blurring from the way Y/n suckled on her tip. The vixen’s cheek hollowed around her length, and Jennie’s stomach flexed at the feeling and sight. Though Y/n tried to protest as lending her mouth to Jennie meant a sore throat, the woman was much quicker as she already had hold of the girl’s hair.

“So good, your mouth is so good, doll face.” Jennie praised, slowly moving her hips and inching her cock further inside the girl’s mouth who tried her best to breathe. It was quite literally almost impossible as her nose was stuffy from the coke and now she had a cock slowly being shoved down her throat, the pace only picking up. Her eyes were glued to Y/n who was barely keeping hers open, tears spilling down the sides and her spit smearing down her chin. All she did was provide her mouth to the woman, pressing her tongue to the underside of the cock that was hard and throbbing in her mouth, tracing the pulsating vein while giving Jennie the suction she required.

It was followed by the sound of gagging when her dick at last hit the back of her throat, Y/n having no way of opening her throat for her because of how she was fucking her mouth. Her hands gripped Jennie’s thighs for support to not lose her wavering balance and her eyes closed at the spinning. The billionaire hissed, nails dug into her thighs and she pulled her cock out of Y/n’s mouth, the only thing connecting them was the saliva from her red and swollen tip and the girl’s wet lips.

“I need to breathe asshole.” Y/n rasped, eyes on the floor as it was moving under her, the alcohol making it hard to even sit.

“You got to breathe, now warm it again,” Jennie ushered, slapping her wet cock against Y/n’s cheek again, too eager to wait for the girl. She was close and wanted to fuck it right down her throat. It made her bite back a smile when Y/n took her back into her mouth, looking up at her for a split second with her red eyes and blinking them. It was enough to let Jennie know that she could use her however she liked to.

Her hips worked, the girl holding onto her thigh while the other gripped Jennie’s ass which flexed with each thrust. The vixen moaned, opening her throat just for Jennie who almost tumbled at the feeling of her cock being buried in the confines of the tight throat when Y/n loosened it for her. Her hand just then stumbled upon her phone on the counter and seeing that Y/n was too occupied with sucking her dick and being wasted she grabbed it without a second thought.

“God, you’re never leaving, not gonna let you when your mouth works me so well.” She mumbled under her breath, Jennie’s moans breathy and needy for release. “I own you.” Her hand pushed back Y/n’s hair, pulling it away from her face and capturing the girl taking her cock into her mouth like she was made for it, as this wasn’t the old Y/n anymore. Her eyes were red and filled with tears, the only thing keeping her makeup in place was how it was waterproof. The dark-haired girl quickly bobbed her head, slowing down before picking up, and then taking Jennie back into her throat all while her spit was spilling. The motions were making Jennie's thighs tremble.

Jennie couldn’t pinpoint if she ever had seen the girl so fucked up, sucking dick in a bathroom while flying above clouds. She couldn’t even think that far as her mind was going blank from Y/n’s mouth.

“You’re my fucking star, Y/n.”

Her hips stuttered, her member throbbing on Y/n’s tongue who did her best to take Jennie in her mouth. Only stopping for a few seconds every time she reached her pelvis, nose tickling Jennie’s skin when she deep-throated her over and over. Her dick pulsating, her tip twitching when she squeezed it with her throat, having her in a chokehold before she sucked right back to her tip with hollowing cheeks. The motion was repeated until Jennie’s legs would go numb.

The woman knew that her cock was the only one the girl could properly deep throat as she reached her throat, unlike her waste of a boyfriend.

“Fuck, I can make you a star…”

Her lips parted, gasps falling from her mouth as her breathing got heavier. Jennie’s body convulsed into Y/n, her hips pushing themselves as far as they could and the moan was a breathless whimper from how it stole her voice, her body shaking. It filled her vision with white dots and she by some miracle didn’t fall over as her balls tightened, Y/n was able to feel Jennie’s cock grow harder on her tongue–giving her no time to pull away–before cum started to shoot into her mouth. The woman’s hips bucked one last time, emptying every little drop of salty cum into Y/n’s mouth, her shirt sticking to her back from how hot it all got her from the sex to the drugs and everything else in between.

Without thought Jennie pushed the girl away from her and leaned back against the counter, making sure to put her phone away before the coughing girl could question her. Whether or not Y/n was aware wasn’t Jennie’s problem, the woman holding on to not fall over. It made the girl fall back against her palms at the harsh treatment as she felt used for Jennie's pleasure She leaned forward again at what Jennie had done in her mouth, the brunette knowing well what Y/n liked and disliked.

“What’re you doing?” It somehow pissed her off to see the girl spit it all out, her cum splattering with spit against the black marble of the floor. Her hands worked on stuffing her cock back into her boxers and zipping up her pants. It always just stirred something in her when she was under the influence and things weren’t going the way she wanted them to be. Y/n always knew how to stir her on and do whatever she pleased and not what Jennie pleased.

“Do you hear me?” Jennie’s voice was rigid as she was serious and crouched down right in front of Y/n. The girl snivelled and looked up at Jennie with eyes full of tears that had yet to dry and she cupped Y/n’s face with her one hand. “I’ve told you before that when you come to me, you listen to me, Y/n.” She mumbled, her thumb running over Y/n’s lips and gathering whatever was left on them, knowing very well that the girl hated the taste. The words had to be enough to remind the vixen of the consequences and how Jennie could react when she was challenged.

“I don’t like it, Jen.” Y/n’s voice was a rasp, her head heavy in Jennie’s palm as she held onto her forearm to steady herself and not fall over. The woman knew what the girl was feeling, she had felt it all before when she had just started, and she knew how lost Y/n felt. She knew that if she asked her where she was right now she wouldn’t be able to provide a concrete answer. Jennie was at least there to take care of her, Jennie never had anyone to take care of her. In Jennie’s opinion, Y/n was lucky, but ungrateful by doing this when the woman was there to take care of her when no one else would. She could at least swallow.

“Learn to like it.” She pushed her thumb between the girl’s lips, fingers holding her jaw to make sure she would stay. The vixen winced yet took her thumb into her mouth, cleaning whatever cum was on it despite not being able to stand the taste. “So pretty,” Jennie mumbled and pulled her thumb out of Y/n’s mouth and she swallowed, knowing that it would anger her otherwise. This whole ordeal had been a problem for a while and finally, Jennie was getting Y/n to listen and do as she said. Her lips twitched into a smile at how ruined Y/n was, how she broke her, and now she got to hold her.

“Let’s go.” Jennie huffed and got up on her feet, grabbing hold of Y/n’s hands and with ease pulling her up on her feet. The girl stumbled into Jennie, her body weight being held up by the woman who held her arms wrapped around Y/n’s waist. She let them go down further, grabbing hold of her ass under the skirt with her lips finding Y/n’s neck. Jennie took in the girl’s scent before sucking on the skin that was soft and smooth, squeezing her ass while pulling away. “We have to get back out.” She grumbled and helped Y/n stand on both feet, making sure to fix her hair and wipe away the mess, leaving a peck on her lips to then drag her back out. her toy, her doll.

They left the bathroom perfectly fine, going right back out to the party, occasionally finding the way right back to the restroom for more empty lines of white which they didn't have to know how to read to understand. Despite the blinding lights, the doors to the city were closed and whatever they wanted to do they were trapped right there together which only meant bad news if one pissed off the other. And so it did start because it always did with them both.

It was easy to get lost in everything as things got blinding, Jennie’s eyes felt sensitive and dry the longer she stayed on the couch. It was all a blur and she had spent hours she assumed just on the couch with people surrounding her. It was hard to pinpoint if time went by or not because it felt like it was flying by while she was stuck in the same place. The woman had been so zoned out and busy with someone else that she never realised where Y/n was.

Enough made her forget about everything except for what was right in front of her.

There was a reason why she kept Y/n by her side, especially if she brought her to a party.

Y/n outdid the models.

Y/n dressed in a way that made Jennie’s dick throb and she didn’t mind her dressing that way, but only if she was there to make sure no one else was trying to touch what she wanted to possess.

The vixen’s features, her allure, it was all sex, or maybe that was all Jennie could think. What did that change when they were at a private afterparty where already questionable enough things were happening?

“Listen–” Jennie started, grabbing hold of her manager and pulling the younger one down to speak in her ear. There was a slight wobble in Jennie as things were like a rollercoaster and she had nothing to secure her. It was just a matter of time before she would get completely off the rails. A matter of time until a loop would come and she would get sent flying. “Where is she?” She asked, bunching the material in her fist as she pulled on the woman’s shirt because there was a wave of anger bubbling inside her, crashing against her insides to escape. Things weren’t how she wanted them. She wanted Y/n right beside her, sitting and not running off the leash unless Jennie said so.

The lack of control was like small ants that crawled over her body and she couldn’t shake them off.

“The back I think?” Jennie shoved her away with a huff, putting her hands inside her pockets to not shove anyone else as she walked through what felt like endless bodies that blurred in her peripheral vision. It felt like it was taking too long, the club not coming to an end until it did and she reached the back of it.

She opened the door to the stairwell that led downstairs of the club and also to the back entrance of it. It was lit by neon purple, making her eyes squint for a second at how bright it was compared to where she had been just now. The powdery scent of the fogger fluid that came from the smoke machines was faint as the stairwell wasn't dim with the smoke either, the scent of aftershave was much stronger when a man passed by her.

All the giggles, talking, and whatnot were like a trigger in her head as she knew that among these people scattered along the stairs was Y/n. Jennie walked down the wide stairs, getting further down. It wasn’t long until her eyes fell on Y/n.

The vixen was sitting on the stairs with a guy towering right over her with a smile on his lips as he stood a few steps below to match her height. Both hands held him up by the railing on each side and the last straw was when he let go with one hand and cupped her face. The vixen tilted her head back without hesitation to make it easier for him to reach down to her when he started to lean down.

Was Y/n the same person that Jennie was? It wasn’t like that was the point when she decided to break her down into parts and put them back together but leaving the ones she didn't want behind. Of course, that ended with an imperfect doll because parts were missing, but those imperfections were what made her perfect in Jennie's eyes-

However, when she did that the point was to make a doll for Jennie to play with, to own, her doll, not one that would learn from her and act just like her. Y/n was supposed to be with her, only see her and not forget everything else the second someone else said hello and she was wasted enough. She wasn’t supposed to forget Jennie when someone else walked up to her. She wasn't supposed to be like a stray, that was only for Jennie.

Jennie was supposed to be the one seeing other women, especially when Y/n wasn’t with her. It was all somehow turned around because Jennie could barely get hard unless she was blackout drunk and unable to think because then she wasn’t even able to remember her name let alone Y/n’s. Yet the roles were reversed and Jennie was suffering because of it.

If it hadn’t been for the railing Jennie would be tumbling down the stairs, but her feet quickly let her get to them and she grabbed hold of his shirt. Her only advantage was her money in this case, aside from the fact that she got to be taller when standing further up the stairs. Advantage money, she had guards following after her that he didn’t have.

“What’re you trying to do? Forcing yourself on a wasted girl?” Jennie knew what type of bullshit she was spewing. If she hadn’t been angry and she and Y/n would be away from everyone else she would be ramming her cock inside her. All she needed was a reason for him to leave her. All she needed was for something to validate her anger and start pouncing the guy if he gave her the chance by furthering her anger. She usually went for someone weaker to get her anger out without taking any damage herself.

“Get the fuck off of me.” He tried to push her away, but Jennie shoved him first, the guy stumbling into the wall and grabbing hold of the railing to not fall down the stairs.

“Don’t fucking touch her again, moron–I will get you kicked out and fucking blacklisted from every single club you see.” She bellowed, two men coming down right behind her and the guy tried to argue when they grabbed him to pull him away before Jennie would get hurt. Her fists clenched and she looked at the girl she stood two steps below. Y/n groaned, her face resting in her palms and Jennie’s nose twitched in anger.

“We’re leaving,” Jennie said and Y/n heaved a sigh, looking up from her hands at the ordr. Her impassive face turned into one that smiled at Jennie as she scoffed a chuckle.

“What’s your actual problem?” Y/n questioned with her tone a rasp, eyes trying to focus on Jennie's face.

The woman tried to reach for Y/n’s hand, grabbing her wrist that the girl slid right out of her hold before she could tighten in. That pain was always numbing, it bruised her, and the previous bruise had yet to disappear. Jennie’s eyes squinted in anger and she grabbed the railing before leaning closer to Y/n. The girl flinched, this time the grip didn’t come to her wrist, but she grabbed her by her hair, forcing Y/n to look her in the eye, making sure she would do so when her forehead pressed against the vixen's forehead hard enough to make her head throb.

“I said, we’re leaving.” She could hear the tremble in the breath Y/n let out. Jennie wasn’t hurting her, no, she was just making sure that Y/n knew where her place was and that she stayed where she was meant to be. There was no reason for her to reach further than Jennie allowed. What if Y/n would reach further and leave? Her hand came up to Jennie’s wrist who only tightened her grip on the girl’s hair. Y/n was supposed to stay below Jennie who would only give her bits and pieces of freedom to have the girl depending on her unless she wanted to live a cold and empty life.

Those were emotions in Y/n’s glazed eyes, emotions Jennie didn’t care about when hers were winning. Jennie wasn't one to stop because someone was crying or dying. “Get up. It will end worse otherwise.” Her tone wavered, yet it was harsh enough to cut through the skin. It was as if she was spewing shards of glass, cutting right through Y/n’s flawless skin and leaving her to bleed. The woman did everything to scar Y/n's skin because she always left her mark, she always made sure she would be remembered.

Jennie could tell how lost Y/n was, it gave Jennie a free pass. How much would Y/n remember? Jennie could feel that she was the one supporting Y/n from how she was barely sitting up, her weight leaned against Jennie. She was drunk, and high which Jennie was too, but Y/n was a lightweight when it came to tolerance. It was like a free pass to murder someone, but this time to have Y/n at her mercy.

“Let go of me, Jennie.” Yet Y/n wasn’t as tameable as Jennie wanted her to be. She was her doll, but it was a doll that wanted to come to life and be her own person. Y/n fought back, Y/n liked to dig her own grave, Y/n liked the pain, she loved getting hurt, and she was in love with the pain. Jennie gave it all to her. Jennie would continue to feed her the pain she loved so much because Y/n always ran back for more. She had the girl running back to her.

“Get the fuck up, Y/n. We’re fucking leaving or I will fucking throw you down these stairs and drag you to the car.” Jennie had never figured out where that anger came from. Where it got brewed. It was like it tingled through her body, if she didn’t let out these words, she would take it out physically. That was where Y/n was different for her because Jennie didn’t hurt her more than this. That made Jennie a good person in her mind, she was good to Y/n in her opinion. She was good if she went out of her way to not hurt her more physically like she did with everyone else who was much weaker. It always made her feel more powerful.

That anger was always so overwhelming and it was just there.

There was a tremble in Y/n’s jaw, Jennie caught it together with how deeply she inhaled the thick air of the club. Everyone minded their business, walking up and down the stairs, passing them, and leaving them in their world. The one the vixen had been invited to and willingly stepped inside for the gates to get locked behind her. The one she couldn't escape even if she wanted to. It had everything she needed. It had Jennie, it was free of shame, judgement, and pain that was different from the one Jennie caused.

What else was Y/n supposed to do?

She got out of Jennie’s grip because the woman let go of her otherwise she would be stuck. Jennie grabbed her forearm and pulled her up on her feet. There would always be that one person who would be stronger mentally, and physically, and Jennie would always take advantage of that position in her relationship with Y/n who had let her walls down and showed her weaknesses because she trusted Jennie.

She trusted her.

They made it out of the club, the music was muffled just like their ears. The air cooled down their warm bodies and Jennie was looking for rational reactions. Y/n’s arm slipped right out of her hold once again. A grip that Jennie did not like to lose. She needed it to know she had control.

“Stop fucking playing around Y/n!” Jennie’s voice boomed through the empty back of the club that was only for private guests to come and leave. She turned right around and looked at the girl. The car already waited on them, but neither of them was heading inside until they blew off everything first. At least blow off some of it.

“Stop being on my fucking ass then. Why would you fucking act like that?”

Jennie had so many reasons to do that. If Y/n was acting broken in a way that she didn’t like she would fix her to her desires. Jennie would throw her against the wall, and destroy her, knowing Y/n would lay and wait for her, and Jennie would always go back to fix her after, only to throw her against the wall again, leaving Y/n dependent on being fixed by the only person who knew how to fix her. The person who destroyed her was the one who fixed her. That was why it was worth staying despite the low lows of lying on a cold floor, drowning in tears, but they got wiped away after.

“Why? You come here with me and do what? Why the fuck were you with him!?” Jennie’s voice was a rasp as she raised it even more, coming right back to Y/n as they stood right in front of each other. Her chest was heaving, anger coursing through her veins with everything else she had consumed tonight. These things all together were the worst combination that brought out worse in her than Y/n managed. Y/n only stirred it on and made it worse, making something ugly even uglier.

“I’m going to do what I fucking please to do. What does it matter to you when you are sitting and talking to a bunch of girls either way? They could keep you company, so what do you need me for?”

It was fine for Jennie to do though, not Y/n. The woman scowled at the comparison as she was supposed to be allowed to do whatever she wanted. Jennie had always done what she pleased. She had money and could get away with so much, being with a bunch of women was the least problematic thing that she enjoyed. It was free too because they always came to her. Jennie wanted everything without needing to give anything back.

“Were you going to cheat on your boyfriend?”

It didn’t matter though, it was better to twist it and bring all the shame on Y/n who was cheating on her boyfriend. Jennie could just redirect all the fire and not have her mistakes pointed out when she could point out Y/n’s beautiful flaws instead. There was no shame though because neither of them cared about the actual boyfriend, but only each other.

She couldn’t help but love those flaws because they were so perfect even if they fueled a fire in her. A fire, it fueled a fire, and it kept Jennie warm so what did it matter if they fought? At least they kept each other warm in a fire that was out of control and destroying everyone on the way. They somehow found beauty in the ugly and flawed. All that burned land only made space for them to start building their own world and make it, however, they wanted it to look, building it off of each other's flaws, sticking it all together even if it didn't go together. It was kintsugi with broken pieces that they made beautiful.

The words seemed to flip something in Y/n.

“I am already cheating on him you crazy fucking bitch!” The girl’s hands came up to her head in disbelief at what Jennie was saying before she dropped them. It was making her jittery too, unable to just stand there and look at Jennie. It was hard to look at Jennie, the woman was aware of it as her flaws were so imperfect it made the eyes hurt, but Y/n at least took off her glasses just for her. She took them off and she ignored all of those flaws because she decided to not see them. What was a flaw if Y/n couldn't see it because she bluntly decided to ignore it?

“Don’t fucking yell at me like that.” Jennie tried to drown out Y/n’s voice, gripping the slim girl's jacket to turn her right back to her when Y/n tried to turn and walk off the anger. The older one looked at the girl who had tears in her eyes from frustration, unable to take out her anger which resulted in tears as she couldn’t result in anger like Jennie would do. Y/n was too scared, Jennie was aware, she was too scared to go that far and always ended up crying in their toxin-filled dynamic. The girl didn't hold back on her tears, she didn't try to hold them back to look strong because she knew that there was no point in trying to hide the truth from someone who already knew it.

“What’re you going to do about it, Jennie? Throw me down what fucking stairs you cunt?” Y/n spat out, her voice thick from the lump in her throat that was getting coated in tears, trying to dig its way out of her throat. She was barely registering what was around her. Her legs were so unstable she was stumbling while standing still, her only support was Jennie, her only support in more ways than one. It was her only safety net.

She couldn’t even remember who exactly it was Jennie was talking about as the most she could remember was what happened five minutes ago and that was Jennie saying she would push her down the stairs. Y/n was just fighting because Jennie was fighting, and she would go on even if she forgot the point because she wasn’t just going to cave.

The two of them could go on for days.

They could butt heads for days even if neither would remember the point.

“Shut the fuck up. It’s not my fault you act like a fucking whore and would fuck just anyone now.” Jennie growled, her fist twisting the material of her jacket that Y/n had on, fists pressing into Y/n’s chest who grabbed hold of her forearms to not lose balance. Her tears only being a mere reflection of her emotions, not being able to tell the actual pain behind them. The thought was irking Jennie further on, she was adding fuel to her own fire now. Those small threads were snapping quicker and quicker and soon enough nothing would hold her back from hurting the girl unless she would somehow talk herself into not doing it.

“You’re acting as if you don’t get your dick sucked by a different girl every day.” Y/n let out in disbelief, her tears falling heavily from her eyes, salty on her flawless skin. They were harsh though, they would stain and hurt her, and they were like cyanide every time Jennie caused them. They only hurt when they were caused by the woman who was able to make her feel so much.

“That’s fucking different!” She trashed the jacket, yanking Y/n into herself whose nails were digging into the skin of Jennie’s forearms. The pain that was caused was easing the pain she wanted to cause. Her breathing fell ragged and her eyes wide with anger, it was spasming her muscles. It was like a twitch and she would end up doing something she didn’t want to.

“How?” Y/n pressed through the sob as she was breaking into pieces, Jennie continuously throwing her into the wall without giving her a break. Without stopping for a second to let her breathe, to maybe fix something before it would become unfixable.

“Because I don’t want you to see anyone else. Asher is enough even if you should fucking leave him. If you cheat on him, you cheat with me, no one else, no one else touches you except me and me only. I will fucking kill whoever else you let inside you and then fucking kill you too. You hear me!?” She screamed right in her face after pulling her into herself even more. It unclogged Y/n’s eardrums as she could feel Jennie shove her knuckles into her clavicles. Jennie threw out the words from anger as they were the first thing on her mind. Her words vibrated through Y/n's body, burying themselves deep inside her marrow, each little word touching her soul, bruising it.

Now Jennie couldn’t recognize herself anymore because she never cared. It twisted her stomach in the worst way possible. Those words were not Jennie, not the ones about caring if anyone else touched Y/n. None of this should have bothered her to begin with but it did. It did so badly that she was fighting about something she had never fought about before. These were things she was so unfamiliar with that it scared her and she couldn't predict how she would act the further she stepped into that unfamiliar territory.

Y/n shoved Jennie away who stumbled, her legs barely keeping her up and she caught herself on the new model of the black Rover that waited on them. The vixen flinched at the sound when Jennie’s fist collided with the door's body, it buckled and she hit it right again after. It let her take out her anger as she gritted her teeth and her fist was going numb when she hit it again. Taking out the anger she felt towards herself for caring when she didn’t want to care. Jennie never did because she was always numb, she was always busy, and she was never in the right state to even consider caring about someone else.

It scared Y/n.

It scared Jennie even more.

It scared Y/n to think that this was the same person she would have to get into the car with. The damage she did to the car. What said that she couldn’t do the same damage to her if she overstepped it? Maybe this was all that Jennie needed to do to have Y/n succumb and obey her.

Jennie yanked the door open with her throbbing hand, not waiting a single second as her hand was trembling and she ran her other hand through her hair. It was making her whole body shake that was clammy, her heart unstable, beating in her head, up her throat, trying to just escape her body and leave the abuse she caused herself and everyone else. It tried to escape from how terrified she was of whatever this was. These things she never cared about, Y/n was ruining her and no one had ever been able to ruin Jennie.

“Get the fuck inside, we’re getting your shit and you can go to your fucking boyfriend. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I will fucking give you what you want and fucking leave you alone.”

Y/n had gotten inside the car, scared not to get in and Jennie had slammed the door closed.

Jennie knew what she was doing.

Whatever control Y/n thought Jennie had lost, she had it all and Y/n would be on her leash as long as she wanted her to be.

The younger girl had stayed silent the whole ride, the fight long forgotten and the only words left she could remember and think about were that Jennie was going to leave her. It was eating at her as every time she glanced at the woman she had looked unbothered and hadn’t spared a single glance towards Y/n.

These things always made the vixen crumble.

She would be left all alone, she would be abandoned.

What if Asher left too? The man was leaving her, she was sure of it after the fight they had. Now Jennie was leaving her too. It was causing unbearable anxiety to Y/n.

Y/n froze.

She tried to work it out in her head when she watched Jennie shove her things into her bag.

Things that always worked;

Her body.

“Jennie, please.” She pleaded, on the verge of new tears because she would get thrown out. She would be all alone and abandoned without anyone there to hold her or care for her.

The woman stopped and dropped the bag beside her feet while biting her lower lip. Her back turned to Y/n and she could count the seconds. She knew exactly what she was doing because Jennie knew that Y/n would be the one to cave and get on her knees to apologise first if it meant that Jennie would stay.

Five seconds and Y/n was on the older woman.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled, hand running down to grab hold of Jennie's hand who wouldn’t give in just yet as she wanted to see Y/n break down even more. It was the least the vixen could do after aggravating Jennie more than needed when she had already been pissed. She turned and looked at Y/n who frowned when she wasn’t allowed to touch Jennie, her eyes glossy and fragile. Jennie could see the fears in them because Y/n didn't try to mask them around Jennie, not masking them around the woman who used them all against her. All because her walls had crumbled so easily and she had laid her trust on Jennie.

“What am I going to do with a sorry?” Jennie questioned and undid her pants, walking over to the bed and Y/n followed right after her. Too scared not to follow in case Jennie would truly leave her behind. “I don’t care about your sorry even if you were to be crying on the floor.” She continued, discarding her bottoms on the floor before pulling the shirt over her head and getting into bed. With that, she dismissed Y/n as she turned off the lamp.

“You can see yourself out.”

Y/n had never been treated the way Jennie treated her. She had never been thrown out, denied, rejected, and had her ego crushed this way. This was Y/n, she always got everything she wanted simply because she was pretty. It wasn't only this way, she in general had never been through the treatment Jennie had been giving her ever since she got involved with her. Whatever sex it was, it had turned into a game where they were constantly being dealt bad cards, playing it blindly, with all odds against them from the very start. Yet neither ever folded but kept betting more and more, until it would leave them both with nothing or everything, if not leave one with nothing and the other with everything.

Only time could tell how the game would end.

As if Jennie didn’t know it. She was part of the people who gave in because of the girl’s sex appeal. She figured that if she stomped on it and broke it, the girl would do anything that would favour Jennie in this game of cards and the woman would give in because it would benefit her. That it would give her an upper hand if Y/n showed her a card or two so she would know what to play next.

“Please, I will listen to you, anything, Jen–” Cold hands snuck upon Jennie’s bare body from behind. Y/n’s palms were smooth against her bare stomach, running down to the hem of her lipstick-stained boxers. “I’m sorry’ listen to you like you’re my daddy, promise.” It flipped Jennie’s stomach when the hand pushed into her boxers, Y/n’s lips brushing her ear as her hand wrapped around her hardening cock. The words only stirred Jennie on and on, and maybe it wasn’t as easy to resist Y/n’s sex appeal as she thought it would be.

God, they both somehow had each other wrapped around each other’s pinkies. Trying to play against each other in a game where they were a team.

“I want you, everything you have to give, I want it. I will be a good girl, you can be my daddy.” Y/n knew just what to give Jennie despite being drunk, to show her where exactly the dynamic was. That Jennie would always have the upper hand and Y/n would always try to rebel because she had always been that way, but she knew how to be good when needed even if it caused big fights before she became that obedient girl that Jennie wanted her to be.

“I will give you everything.” Jennie groaned out, her cock stiff in Y/n’s hold who was still stroking her, squeezing at her tip, letting the precum run down and smear over her member. The vixen hummed, her lips staining Jennie’s skin with her lip gloss as she kissed along the woman’s shoulder. It made Jennie’s hips buck into her hand, knowing she wouldn’t last Jennie grabbed hold of Y/n’s hand. She didn’t care if Y/n wouldn’t remember it tomorrow. At least she succumbed to Jennie for the moment.

She turned to Y/n as she sat up on the bed, pulling the girl up too–already discarding the jacket before she removed the girl’s shirt. Jennie leaned in and captured those plump lips, they tasted of vanilla, cigarettes, and tequila, her tongue pushing further into Y/n’s mouth. Their breaths were heavy, their kiss sloppier than usual, the woman worked on removing Y/n’s strapless bra and doing so with ease.

She kicked off the duvet from her body as she got down the bed, Y/n trying to chase after her lips and only getting the string of saliva to stretch further before it broke them apart. Jennie turned on the bedside lamp and her eyes were hungry for the girl, all she wanted to do was fuck all her anger out and into Y/n.

The younger looked at the cock that was straining against the underwear that still had her lip prints on them and Jennie reached over for Y/n. “You make me so fucking angry, Y/n.” She huffed out, pulling the girl to the edge of the bed and hooking her fingers at the hem of her skirt and underwear before she pulled on them. She made her so angry yet she made the billionaire crave her so much and it no longer made sense, it never had because what they had would never make sense. It wasn't supposed to make sense. Jennie pulled them down the girl’s long legs before she discarded them on the floor, quickly pulling her boxers down and kicking them to the side.

She leaned back down to Y/n, “I’m sorry.” The girl tried to apologise before her lips got pressed against Y/n's again. Jennie’s kisses were harsher than usual, forcing her tongue inside Y/n’s mouth before the wasted girl could register it. All she did was try to kiss back. “You’re not sorry, you’re a fucking brat who will always anger me.” Jennie’s tone was heated with anger as it never went away, her hand gripped Y/n’s thigh, pulling the girl closer and she pressed her hard cock against Y/n’s wet heat, gently rubbing it between her folds and lubing herself up with the slickness.

Jennie was well aware of how they angered each other and always would. They did it from the second they met and it would never change. It didn’t mean that Jennie would leave it all behind. She would drag it on for as long as possible even if it destroyed them. Pain became bearable, it became the usual, and it became pleasurable after a while. There was no telling right from wrong when they had looked at the wrong as right from the start.

“You’re so fucking bad.” Jennie gritted out, her palm landing against Y/n’s thigh, the girl whined at the harsh pain and Jennie squeezed the flesh between her fingers. “But so fun to fucking destroy, aren’t you?” Y/n squirmed under Jennie who tugged on her lower lip, her body weight pressing her down into the mattress as her arms wrapped around Jennie’s back. Her kisses were like nicks, they hurt but they hurt so good the way she kissed down her neck, the way she bit down on her skin with the passion for hatred and desire.

“Jennie–” The girl got cut off, and another even harsher force landed right against her skin, it made Y/n jump but only to get nowhere as Jennie was right on top of her. “You don’t get to talk, Y/n.” Jennie pushed herself up, hand running between their bodies as she grabbed hold of her cock that was slick with Y/n's warm juices. Her eyes were on Y/n whose chest was heaving, the girl’s eyes just on Jennie, just for Jennie who guided her tip to her tight and sopping entrance.

“Each day I will remind you of who I am, how I own you, who you belong to.” Jennie breathed out as she pushed herself inside the girl, knowing very well that she had everything she needed to have Y/n in her chokehold. It made the girl’s back arch at the stretch that was intruding, grasping onto Jennie’s back and whimpering as she had no time to adjust. Her legs wrapped around Jennie’s waist. The billionaire was thrusting her hips into Y/n’s, the room quickly filled with the squelching, Jennie filling Y/n, stretching her out, her walls squeezing tightly around her cock with each stroke.

“Your fucking irreverence towards me will end badly one day.” Jennie groaned out, leaning down as she held herself up on her forearm beside Y/n’s head whose long legs were wrapped around her, holding Jennie close while nails dug into her skin. Nothing was gentle and nothing was supposed to be as they were in too much euphoria even to feel any real pain.

Y/n’s mind cut off when Jennie wrapped her hand around her neck, slowly cutting her breath as she squeezed her slim throat. Her heavy balls collided with her skin with each thrust, the woman panting for air right by her ear, her back flexing with each thrust under Y/n’s palms and nails only dragged harsher along her skin at the lack of air.

Both of them were on the wrong side of heaven.

“You’re fucking with me for a reason, Y/n–fuck if I see you with someone else again, I will ruin you.” Jennie groaned right by her ear, slowly releasing pressure on her neck. Her hips were rough, each making her breath go ragged, carnal grunts coming from the back of her throat at the force she fucked the girl with as it was pushing her worn-out body to the limits. Her cock slid in before coming back out, only to slam back into Y/n hard enough for it to hurt them both.

Her cock was stretching the slim girl, splitting her and reaching the only spots that she needed to get touched. Every time the woman would fuck her she would touch her soul and make her attach herself even harder around Jennie. Y/n’s whiny moans were fueling Jennie on, her pace hard and deep, the bed squeaked with each thrust and Y/n’s walls fluttered around her throbbing cock. Jennie grounded herself hard against the floor with her feet to be able and have the girl trembling under her, the pleasure was clouding Jennie's mind. The juices spilling and staining the sheets.

“You will only get disappointed if you even try to see someone else aside from me—no one can fill your soul-sucking void, whore. Only me, no one else will take you for who you are, but me.” Her teeth dug into Y/n’s thin skin, biting down hard. "That's why you lie to everyone, but me." She muffled through her teeth that were digging into Y/n's skin to find even more support and leverage to fuck the girl.

A cry left Y/n’s lips, pleasure overwhelming her body as her hormones spiked whenever she was drunk. Her cunt was throbbing and her clit was continuously being rubbed at by Jennie’s pelvis in harsh motions. The dick pounding her, dragging along her walls in a painful yet filling with pleasure way, she was able to feel how much harder Jennie grew, the way her tip twitched while caressing her g-spot. She could feel Jennie fully–courtesy of Jennie ignoring using a condom when she knew Y/n wouldn’t have time to even think about it. Her cunt was snug around Jennie’s cock which was pounding her raw.

Jennie lifted her head, leaving a mark on the girl’s juncture that would bruise and she watched the girl under her. The way Y/n’s perfect breasts moved with each thrust, the girl only stayed in place because she was wrapped around Jennie. Her head thrown back, Jennie squeezed her neck again, watching the moans spill from her parted lips, walls squeezing her cock at each gesture because she knew Y/n’s body so well. Her hips rolled into the girl one last time and Y/n came undone under her, her thighs quivering around Jennie, her moans straining from the lack of air. Jennie could die from the way Y/n’s red eyes rolled back and she clawed at her back.

It sent Jennie over the edge, to know that only she managed to have the girl this way under her. That only she knew how to fuck her right, satisfy her with her cock, that she knew how to treat her exactly how Y/n needed to be treated whether outside or inside the bedroom because she was addicted to what Jennie had given her a taste of.

Her hand let go of Y/n’s neck, planting it down beside her head. “Here’s–” Jennie strained, her dick getting squeezed by Y/n’s warm and snug wet pussy. She buried herself deep, her heavy balls tightening as she had everything in them that Y/n deserved. “Everything for my good girl.” She breathed out, filling the girl with her warm and sticky cum, shooting it deep with each twitch of her swollen tip as the walls were squeezing so tightly around her that she was barely keeping it inside Y/n.

Jennie panted for air, unable to catch her breath, her heart pounded against her chest in a way that made it tighten and her throat was dry. Her body was clammy with sweat and she felt somewhere between disgusting and euphoric because her cock was still buried deep within Y/n’s snug walls. The girl under her slowly came back from her high, hands shaky as they let go of Jennie who looked down as she slowly pulled out of Y/n. Her eyes fell back on the girl’s face as tears were still drying on her cheeks, but the girl was quick to cover her face with her forearm while taking in a shaky breath at how overwhelming it had gotten somewhere along the way of the pleasure.

She silently got them both under the covers, covering any traces of the night with it as she hugged Y/n who was already dozing off in a room that was violently spinning, her body still faintly trembling in Jennie’s touch.

Jennie pushed herself up, ignoring the faint flinch from Y/n when she reached up to the girl’s face and pushed her hair out of the way. Jennie still cared about her and that was all that mattered. She leaned down and her lips gently pressed against her cheek. “I care so much about you. I’d give you everything.” The woman mumbled, leaving kisses along Y/n’s jaw and she felt Y/n pull more into her. Jennie wrapped her arms around her small waist, pulling her as close as possible while lying back down.

Jennie’s care just looked different.

[A few hours later]

“Why are you so pissed?” Jennie questioned, unable to please the girl who sat in front of her in the bathtub of the suite.

Y/n huffed, still texting on her phone while Jennie grabbed hold of Y/n’s one leg that was brushing against her thigh. Her palms smoothed against her calf as she put it on the edge of the tub, diagonally across Jennie who massaged the muscles. Her eyes not leaving Y/n who despite being on what Jennie assumed was one of the worst hangovers in her life still looked incredible.

“Everything fucking hurts.”

“Well…” Jennie started, pressing her lips against the girl’s ankle as she had already told her all the excuses. “You did fall.” She lied once again because that explained why certain parts of her body hurt.

There was the option of telling Y/n that her body was sore because Jennie had been harsh with her. Manhandled her, grabbed hold of her, pushed her around, and had rougher sex than she maybe should have since it was rough most of the time, but not like that. She could tell her that they fought, that she had threatened her in multiple ways which included abandoning her or going as far as killing her.

The problem with the truth was that Y/n would most likely not be sitting in the same bath as Jennie if she had told it.

Another problem was that Jennie couldn’t stand up for what she had done because in her defense she had been under the influence and Y/n had fueled her. It was certain that these things would happen and that was her excuse for letting them happen. What she couldn't control wasn't her fault.

Her eyes trailed along her slim leg, catching the bruises forming on her knees as having her on her knees on a cold marble floor wasn’t ideal either. These things only reached Jennie now when she was somewhat sober as she had already taken a line to wake herself up and take care of Y/n.

“Put your phone away.” She told her, expecting Y/n to do it to not cause yet another fight.

“I need to reply, Jen…One more second.” Y/n mumbled, this time not arguing or being defensive about it or telling her off because she knew that it would backfire. Her body hurt enough and she was scared to say no. Her eyes were caught by Jennie’s when she looked up to check if it was fine, looking for permission in the woman’s eyes, for the permission to send a text.

“Hurry up.” She ushered her with her lips trailing kisses along the girl’s calf.

Y/n squirmed and turned off her phone when Jennie nipped at her skin. “Stop or I will shove my foot up your ass, idiot.” She hissed and Jennie used the girl’s leg to pull her over to her. The water splashed, falling outside the tub and she grabbed hold of Y/n’s waist.

“You’re into some weird stuff, aren’t you?” Jennie questioned while pulling Y/n over to her lap, the girl straddling her and running her hands into Jennie’s wet hair. Her fingers tangled in it as Jennie leaned back, the water stopping under her collarbones, looking up at the girl, water drops falling down her pretty skin as the water stopped around her waist when she was in Jennie's lap. Her skin bruised, carrying Jennie's marks.

“I’m not,” Y/n mumbled with a roll of her eyes, fingers coming over to gently trace Jennie's face who turned her head and left a kiss on the nimble fingers. Her hands interlocked on the small of Y/n's back as she pulled her even closer to her.

“There was a mention of daddy.”

“I’m going to fucking shove your head under the water and hold it there.”

God, Jennie could just hold the girl in her arms forever even if she wasn’t hers.

These moments made it worth it when she puckered her lips and Y/n gently kissed her.

The girl stupidly enough trusted Jennie.

It was more than Jennie making her walls crumble, Jennie had torn them down with force and given Y/n no other choice, but to trust her.

Those low lows were worth it when those highs came.

TAGSLIST! @yxlis @jisooftme @geeminz @lisas-earlobe @badaspookie @xszn @badasgff @hwm1hyun @herwhcre @lilacura @naycore / taglist is open

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tightjeansjavi · 5 months

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Slow Hands | Chapter 9

“when the monsters creep into your house”

A/N: so, before we get into this chapter, I just wanted to say that I am still on a break, but I wanted to share this with y’all because I’m so incredibly proud of how far I’ve come as a writer. This story has truly become such an importance to me, and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share it with you. This break has been everything I hoped it would be and with that, I have restored my love for writing. This is also my longest chapter that I have ever written. 15k to be exact! Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well and thank you for the endless support. In due time I’ll be ready to re-immerse myself into the community, but for now I am content. 🤍 happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate, and free Palestine 🇵🇸 call for a ceasefire now. Also, a big shout out to @angelofsmalldeath-codeine for betaing for me! I appreciate you so much 🥹🤍

~word count: 15k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: after spending the night at Joel’s, the fragmented pieces of your past before Jackson begin to fall into place.

warnings: angst, PTSD, trauma, intense flashbacks, nightmares, child loss, implied SA (not by Joel) heavy heavy topics, hurt, comfort, foreshadowing, implied animal abuse (not done by Joel) soft flirting, protective! Joel, soft! Joel, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions such as body type or skin color, readers nickname is Beanie (coffee beans), +18 minors dni!

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Joel Miller’s POV

“Spend the night with me, Beanie. Please.” His words fell heavy on his tongue. His heart begging you with a steady thrum to stay. He was nervous. Nervous about how you would react to his request. While he had many moments of raw vulnerability with you, this was by far the most vulnerable admittance. It showed that he felt a deep level of trust towards you considering the only other person who knew of Ellie’s immunity was Tommy. Admittedly, if you said no to his request to spend the night, it would sting, but he’d accept it and give you the time that you needed. That didn’t erase the fact that he was waiting with a bated breath.

“Of course I’ll spend the night with you, Joel. Under one condition, you don’t snore, right?” Your tone was playful, teasing as you gently scratched his scalp with the blunt ends of your nails.

Oh, geez. How was it that one single person could read the room so well? There was something that was so purely natural to you. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe one day he’d have the answer. He was relieved.

“Well, I don’t usually snore, but I won’t make any promises. Is that a deal breaker for ya, darlin?’” She’s spending the night. Here. with me.

He nearly could have purred like a damn cat from how soothing it felt to have you scratching his scalp, and playing with his hair. Oh, he had it bad alright.

“No, just means that I might have to smother you with a pillow if you do start snoring, honey.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” He threatened teasingly as his fingers attempted to lightly tickle your sides, but you were quicker than that. Exchanging pet names felt easy and natural between the two of you. The banter dissolved the tension from the emotionally charged conversation that just took place

“Oh, but I would.”

Your fingers interlaced with his, thumbs brushing across the outside of his hand. He was looking directly into your eyes with a slight tilt of his head. He shamelessly thought about kissing you again now that there seemingly would be no other interruptions. His eyes flitted down to your lips. Soft. Kissable. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Tess’s passing. Even then, they didn’t share many romantic moments leading up to her death. Oh how he wishes he could have just kissed her one last time. You have to let go of the past, remember? Tess is gone. She’s never coming back, Joel. But Beanie? She’s here. She’s sitting right next to you, and she’s breathing. Her heart has a beat and there's blood pumping in her veins.

“If we keep this up, the pizza is gonna go cold, darlin.’” He tilted his head to the side with a boyish grin spreading across his lips. You swore that you saw a dimple peek through.

“Can’t have that happening.”

“Would be a shame..” He drawled thoughtfully.

Your eyes met, soft gazes melded together, brows raised before you broke out into a fit of contagious giggles. You couldn’t even depict the cause of your laughter, but he was short to follow, and man, did it feel good. Perhaps there need not be a reason. Perhaps it just felt natural to burst into giggles after such a heavy topic of discussion. You thoughtfully watched the way his eyes crinkled, and his hand grasped his belly under the worn-down fabric of his shirt. The cadence of your combined laughter echoed weightlessly through the expanse of the kitchen like a feather drifting along a gentle breeze. Ask her now. You can do it, Joel. Let your heart feel, for god sakes.

“Well, now I’m real fuckin’ hungry, darlin.’” He drawled warmly as he reached for your hands.

“Felt good though, didn’t it?”

He smiled knowingly as he nodded, “Felt damn good.” His hands grasped yours firmly before he gently released them and slowly stood up.

Your mouth watered the second he removed the pizza from the oven with a well-loved oven mitt that had little hearts stitched artfully through the fabric. He set the tray carefully along the countertop to cool. “It’s gonna be a few minutes for the pizza to cool. Don’t wanna go and burn our tongues off.” He chortled softly as he slowly descended back down to your level.

His palms were growing clammy by the second as he watched your discreet body language under the soft glow of the overhanging kitchen light. He watched the way you moved in closer to him, as if you were both magnets being drawn together by an invisible force that was slowly reeling you in. He watched your eyes, and how they never seemed to leave his own. He watched the way your lips parted open, soft and sweet like two glistening peach halves. Dew kissed rose petals being warmed by the sun's rays. Joel Miller would never consider himself to be a hopeless romantic, but you’d beg to disagree.

“Fuck it.” he whispered under his breath, nearly undetectable to your ears.

“What?”

He breathed in slow and deep as his lips parted like the narrow sea. “Beanie,” He breathed out. “Can I please kiss you?”

A moment to breathe passed before you slowly nodded in consent, “Yes, Joel. Please kiss me.”

He leaned in slowly, the bridge of his nose gently brushing against your own as he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly. His hands gently rose to caress either side of your face. He held you like delicate fine china in his palms. Those very same hands could take away a life with a snap and twisting of his wrists. You held no fear because you knew this man. You knew Joel Miller as if he had been in your life forever. In some way, he had. Inconspicuously he had touched your life before the outbreak, and now you were finding one another in a new light.

The gap between your lips was tortuously closing at a slow pace. He was taking his time with you, but only if you knew that internally, he was wishing that he could take your breath away with a swift kiss. Time felt like it ceased to exist the moment his lips molded against your own. Although they were slightly chapped, Joel Miller’s lips were like two soft pillows, and he’d describe yours as candy floss. The sweet, sugary kind that used to be consumed in carnivals and fairs. He sighed into your mouth as his thumb brushed across your cheekbone. Your lips moved together in sync, but he could taste your hesitation lingering on your tongue.

“Joel..” You murmured against his lips.

“S’okay,” He spoke with utter reassurance. “You’re safe here with me.”

That’s all it took for you to let yourself go as your arms wrapped around his neck with ease, pressing your lips further into his.

His heart felt ignited with a newfound feeling that had laid dormant for so long. Fuck the pizza, he thought to himself. Nothing can ever come close to this moment.

The kiss was short lived, and lasted all of 30 seconds, but it was only because he could taste the salt from your tears along his tongue as he slowly detached his lips from yours. A tiny sliver of saliva kept you connected, until that dissipated too.

Why is she crying?

Oh, god. What have I done?

I knew this was foolish of me.

He didn’t even realize that his own tears began to free-fall from the corner of his eyes. He was too hyper focused on you.

“Beanie, what’s wrong? Darlin’ is it somethin’ I’ve done? I’m so sorry my dear, I–”

You cut him off with a surprised urgency as your hands dropped to his face and his strong jaw. You nearly threw yourself into his lap from how fervently you kissed him. On instinct, his hands found your waist to hold you steady as he kissed you back with the same amount of passion that you held for him. Your breaths synced harmoniously before you parted ways and pressed your forehead into the fabric of his shirt. An overflowing tide of emotions swept through the two of you as he cradled your head protectively to his chest. His head came to rest upon the lower cabinet as his eyes fluttered shut.

I’m here.

I’ll keep you safe.

No harm will come your way.

My girl. My girl. My beautiful sweet girl.

The pizza had significantly cooled off by the time yours and Joel’s emotions calmed down and he had wiped away every last tear that had dripped down your beautiful soft-spoken eyes. He left your side only to grab two plates and divvy the slices between the two of you. You sat side by side on the floor, as you ate in a comfortable silence.

I should check in and see how she’s doing. Maybe asking her to spend the night was too much.

Maybe this moved too fast?

Maybe I should just shut up and stop overthinking every single little fuckin’ detail.

“How’s it tastin?’” He finally asked as he set his plate off to the side.

“Tastes just as good as I remember it to be. Might even be better.” You responded with a small smile of gratitude.

“You ain’t gotta say that jus’ to be polite, darlin.’ Y’can be honest with me.”

“Joel, it’s seriously delicious. You’re a good cook.”

“And you make a fabulous sous chef.” He murmured with a grin between his teeth as he turned his head to look over at you.

“Don’t look at me like that.” You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks as you rested your plate on your lap.

“Like what?” He asked softly.

“Like I am the only girl in the room.”

His brow raised as he pondered your response. You were literally the only girl in the room, but he was able to pick up on the silent signals, and read the context clues to your words.

“Darlin’, you don’t have to be afraid of me, or this, okay? Look, I understand if me askin’ you to spend the night might have been too much, and if that is the case, I’ve got no problem walking you home. But, if you do still want to spend the night with me, I promise we don’t have to..y’know, do anythin.’” He cleared his throat nervously as his eyes silently searched your own.

“Joel, I’m not afraid of you. I promise that it’s not that. I just—it’s been so long since..I’ve liked someone this much. The last guy I had romantic feelings for, was shortly before outbreak day. We actually had a date planned on the night of the outbreak. He canceled because he said his mom was sick and he needed to go and check on her. I never heard from him after that.” You murmured somberly as your hand slowly came to rest upon his cheek, stroking your thumb gently across the patches in his silver speckled beard.

“Baby, s’alright. I understand. S’been awhile for me as well, as you know. I’m sorry that you never heard from him again. Was he uh—your boyfriend? Or just someone you had met?” He leaned into your soft caress as his hand slowly came to rest upon your knee, rubbing soothing circles into the fabric.

He liked that you both shared a liking towards physical touch. He always wanted to be touching those he loved in some shape or form.

“No, he wasn’t my boyfriend. It was actually going to be our second date, and I was truly excited about it. We met in line at the local grocers, and my clumsy ass nearly dropped an entire carton of milk. He was..really sweet. Sometimes I wonder if he survived outbreak day, and if he did, would we find each other again.” Your thumb gently brushed across his lower lip before you were leaning in and kissing him sweetly as his lashes fluttered shut.

“Oh, darlin.’ I’m so sorry. I jus’ hope that if he didn’t make it, he went out painless. Sometimes I often forget that so many people lost something that night. Friends. Family. Lovers. It’s so easy to get caught up in your own grief and forget everyone else’s.” He mumbled against your lips as he squeezed your knee tenderly.

“It’s okay, Joel. Really, it’s okay. I got over it as soon as I realized that I had a decent chance at survival. Had to push my own grief far into the depths. Tess helped a lot. When we found each other I just had this feeling that it was meant to be. I wouldn’t have made it very far without her.” You slowly pulled away from the kiss as your forehead gently lowered to rest against his. “If I’m gonna spend the night, I sure hope you have a good pair of pj’s for me, Miller.” You teased softly as you gently twirled a strand of his salt and peppered hair between your fingers.

“She’s a good horse. Y’all have a special bond that I doubt could ever be broken. Darlin’ , you can wear any pj’s of mine that you’d like. Y’can keep ‘em too. But, before we head upstairs, there’s somethin’ I wanna show you. Would that be alright?”

“What do you want to show me, Joel?”

“You’ll see, darlin.’ Y’trust me, right?”

“Always.”

Joel offered you his arm like the true southern gentleman he was. He softly told you to leave the plates for now, and he would take care of that later. You took his arm graciously with a gentle grasp as he led you outside.

“Jus’ so ya know, the only two people who have seen my little wood workin’ shed, as I would call it, is Tommy and Ellie. But, you’re awfully special to me, Beanie. And I wanna share this piece of myself with you.”

“Joel, you know you don’t have to do this, right? I am absolutely honored that you want to share this part of yourself with me.” You murmured in a honeyed tone as your fingers gently flexed along his forearm.

He turned towards you, pausing in a moment of thought before he smiled. A real genuine smile that showed the little crinkles in the corner of his eyes that came with the process of aging. How precious a moment for you to see Joel Miller with his guard down. Even in the lowlight, you could see the way his eyes sparkled as he looked at you with tenderness.

“Best get used to it, darlin.’ Cus’ one day, I’m gonna share everything with you.”

His words were taken as a promise. An oath that you were not just a stepping stone in his path towards healing and living a peaceful domestic life. You mattered, and he made you feel like the sun was something that he crafted just for you with his bare hands in his toolshed. And the millions of stars that painted the night sky in twinkling light, were his secrets, and all he had to do was reach up and pluck one from the string it hung upon and bring it down to you. The stardust would bloom like a rose in your palm as if by magic. All in due time he’d bring a star down to you. All in due time.

At least in this lifetime, you’d finally understand what all the fairytales and romance novels were talking about.

His lips brushed your forehead in a velvety kiss before he nudged the shed door open with his shoulder and flicked on the light directly to the left of his head.

Remnants of sawdust coated the air as you followed him inside. His work station was fairly tidy sans a few stray tools that didn’t quite find their home, yet. You could feel his presence lingering behind you as you admired the wood carved fawn that was nearing its completed stages.

“This is darling. Did you make it for someone?” You asked softly as he pulled up the stool next to you and made himself comfortable.

“Made that one for Ellie. After I gifted her that felt fawn from your trinket bowl, I felt inspired to make her a wooden version. Got a rocket ship I'm workin’ on as well, but animal anatomy is far easier to work with than machine parts.” He mused as he rested his palm along his chin comfortably.

“I’m sure she’ll love it, Joel.”

“Hopin’ so. Got somethin’ I’m workin’ on for you as well.” He murmured with a gesture towards the figure covered with a white sheet to keep it a surprise.

You turned your head to the side, catching his gaze before you smiled. “Really? Can I see it?”

“‘Fraid not, my dear. Ain’t finished with it, yet. And I wanna keep it a surprise for now. Think you can be patient?” His brow raised as his lips curved up into a small grin.

“Oh, alright. I suppose I can be patient, for now.”

“Are ya sure you’re actually capable of being patient, darlin?’ He asked teasingly, his eyes flickered with unbridled mischief like two high-hanging mirror balls.

You leaned in with the same mischief dancing in your irises. It felt good to flirt, real good. He could easily say the same thing.

“I think the real question is, are you capable of being patient, Miller?”

A challenge. And a good one at that.

Joel had felt like a horny, love-sick teenage boy all over again.

He reveled in it.

Before he could answer, you slipped off the other stool with ease as you gingerly picked up one of the wood chisels that was laying around nearby. You twirled the handle in your palm with glee as you danced around the workbench, feeling his eyes never leaving you.

“So, what’s this one called?” You knew it was a wood chisel, but playing dumb for a moment felt fun and carefree.

“It’s a wood chisel. S’what I use when I'm carving out details and such. Got a whole set of ‘em. They’re quite handy.” He was already up from his stool as well as he followed you around the corner of the workbench.

“Fascinating.” You responded with a playful grin as you placed the chisel down where you found it before picking up a small screwdriver. “And this?”

He chuckled, shaking his head with a grin. “That would be a screwdriver, princess.”

Something unreadable flashed in your eyes. It was there, and gone as fast as it came.

“I totally knew that.” Your tone was an octave higher than usual, but you masked it well by tossing the screwdriver to the side before reaching for his hands.

“I know you did, honey.” He drawled smoothly as he found himself stepping between your legs where you were casually leaned up against the bench.

You were locked onto one another like two magnets as he slowly brought your interlocked hands above your head. He studied your expression for a moment as he silently waited for your consent, and once it was given, his lips were pressed to yours once more as your back naturally began to descend against the saw dust covered surface.

The tension in the air rose and thickened the atmosphere. The only sounds that could be detected were your lips moving in a passionate filled embrace, and the crickets chirping just outside the door.

He was the one to break the kiss with a breathy chuckle. “Seems like you and I are turnin’ into a couple of horny teens, huh?”

You liked the way his cheeks were flushed, and his lips swollen from your kisses.

“Indeed we are. I feel so alive. Do you?”

“Yes. The most alive I have felt in years, Beanie.” He murmured as he gently pulled you back up into a sitting position. His hands departed from your own and proceeded to brush away any sawdust that had stubbornly clung to your clothing. “Let's head in, yeah? I’ll make us some tea before bed. Chamomile?”

“Sounds delightful.” You pecked his cheek sweetly, and his cheeks reddened once more.

Joel left you to your own devices as he tidied up the kitchen. When you softly protested to help with the dishes, he shook his head and gently nudged you towards the staircase followed by a short peck to your lips. “Go on. I’ll be up shortly, darlin’.’”

“Joel, are you sure you want me to go up there alone? I mean, it’s your private space and–”

“Beanie,” He breathed softly against your lips. “S’okay. I trust you, remember?”

“Okay. Are you sure you don’t want any help down here?”

He shook his head once more as he nudged you up a few steps. “No. I’ll be alright. Go on now.” He pressed softly.

Your reluctance was noted, but Joel trusted you, and that was a fact. So, what did you really have to fear?

Your soft-padded footsteps led you further up the stairs before your body disappeared from his view. His bedroom was down the hall from Ellie’s. Like a classic teenager, her door had a sign in bold red lettering that said “KEEP OUT”. Oh to be a teenager again.

Joel’s bedroom was exactly how you pictured it to be; homey. His bed was neatly made with both sets of pillows fluffed to perfection. On his nightstand contained a book titled, “Idiot's Guide to Space” and on top of the book were his old man reading glasses.

Cute.

You didn’t want to appear as if you were snooping around, but it was hard not to when two seemingly photographs caught your attention. You padded over to the dresser with a genuine curiosity. Upon closer inspection, the first photograph encased a younger Joel with his arm around who you presumed to be his daughter. Sarah truly was the apple of his eye.

“Winning that game was a big moment for her.” Joel’s warm tone lingered in the open doorway.

“She’s beautiful, Joel.” You murmured in response as you gently set the frame down.

“She was.” He solemnly corrected you as he made his way into the room.

You could feel the heaviness weighing in his heart as his footsteps approached. You hated to think that right now he was picturing his baby girl laying in her shallow grave. She was far too young.

“Joel, please. Don’t go to that place. Sarah is beautiful, and I wish I could have had the opportunity of knowing her.”

“She woulda loved you. I’m almost sure of it. The two of you woulda been as thick as thieves.” He was standing alongside you now with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his worn out jeans.

Your gaze softened as it landed upon the second photograph. Joel and Ellie side by side, looking into Shimmer’s stall.

“Did you mean what you said earlier, Beanie?” His question startled your current thoughts as you slowly met his gaze.

“You mean when I said that Ellie would forgive you eventually, and she just needs time to heal, and so do you?”

“Yes. Y’meant that, right? You actually believe that Ellie can forgive me? That her and I will be okay again?”

“Joel, I believe that everyone can be forgiven to an extent. What you did is what any parent would do for their child. In due time she might understand, and forgive you. But, you need to start believing that yourself. Feel it in your heart that you and her will be alright. These things are delicate, and they take time, Joel.”

You could feel his muscles clench as he inhaled deeply. Sometimes hearing the truth hurt, but it was necessary.

“I guess I don’t know how to be patient at all.” He murmured with a slight shrug.

“No, that’s not true at all, Joel. You miss her, and that is completely understandable.”

“I’d do it all over again. If I was given the chance to make up for it, there ain’t a damn thing I woulda done differently.” His nostrils flared from his admittance. As if he was a once dormant volcano that was becoming active again.

“I know, Joel. I know.” You talked him down.

He appeared to be lost in his own thoughts before his shoulders finally returned to a relaxed position. “Let me get you some pj’s so you can change, and then i’ll go make our tea.”

You nodded silently as he pulled open the top drawer of the dresser and grabbed a pair of plaid pajama pants and plain t-shirt. He placed them gently into your arms. “I think there might be an extra toothbrush in one of the drawers in the bathroom. I’ll uh–give ya some privacy.” He backed off like a dog with its tail between his legs. He could already feel the shame begin to creep up every vertebrae in his spine as he slipped past the open doorway. He just wanted to be normal. To not feel this constant weight on his shoulders, or grief in his heart. He wished for happiness. To smile more. To laugh. To enjoy the life he had left to live. To love without the fear of losing.

You wished that for him too.

When he returned with two steaming mugs of herbal tea, he found you already safely tucked under the covers. ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Space’ book in your grasp. His heart swelled as he set his owl mug down along the nightstand as he offered you the other mug. A moose grazing in a snowy field was illustrated along the outside of the mug. You looked up, pausing in the paragraph you were reading, before grasping the mug gently from him. “I hope you don’t mind me reading it. The title intrigued me.” You murmured.

“Don’t mind at all. It’s got some fascinating stuff in’t.” He responded warmly before he pulled the covers back and climbed underneath them. His shoulder brushed yours as he made himself comfortable.

“Would you like me to read it to you?” Your suggestion was soft and thoughtful as his eyes met yours.

“I’d love that, Beanie.”

You naturally found yourself scooting in towards his side of the bed. You wanted to be closer to him. To feel that intimate connection that had sent a new fire scorching through your veins. His arm slowly came to rest along your shoulders while the back of your head found its home against his chest. His heartbeat was steady, his breaths soft as your words soothed him like a lullaby soothes a child. It wasn’t long before he was nodding off, struggling to keep his eyes open, but he soon gave into sleep and you followed shortly

“Joel! Help me, please! Joel!” Ellie’s screams were anguished. Frightened.

The steps leading to the basement seemed never ending as Joel raced down them. Adrenaline pumped fiercely in his veins. “Ellie!” He screamed, voice raw and cracking. His fists pounded on the door as he desperately tried to break it down. Her terrified screams rattled his skull as the thin skin of his knuckles tore and bled. “Baby girl!” He cried.

Ellie’s screams for help dissipated and turned into a harsh ringing in his ears. The never ending staircase and basement door ceased to exist.

“Joel! Joel! Wake up! Please, wake up!” Your tone was urgent, frightened as you grasped his shoulders firmly to shake him free of his nightmare.

His screams sent a wave of nausea rushing through you . “Joel, you’re safe! It's just a nightmare! It's not real, Joel!”

His eyes snapped open as he took in a lungful of air. His arms encircled around your waist as he looked around the room wildly. His shirt was soaked all the way through. “Ellie! She–she. I–I couldn’t reach her! I couldn’t save her!” He wailed profusely as you tried every attempt to calm him down.

“Joel. Listen to me, baby. It was a nightmare. It wasn’t real. Ellie is safe. She’s safe!” Your hands came to gently rest upon his cheeks as if your fingertips alone could wipe away the fear leaking from his eyes. You kissed away his tears as he trembled in your embrace. He wept as you consoled him.

Your fingers combed through his hair as you began to hum a tune of the past as one last final attempt to bring him back down to earth. Your humming transformed into words as his heart beat steadied its rhythm.

“And you will keep me safe.” You whispered.

“And you will keep me warm.” He croaked.

“And rain.”

“And rain.” He followed with a soft painful whimper.

“Will make the flowers.”

“Will make the flowers grow.” You wept in unison.

Joel awoke the following morning, rising with the sun that was beginning to peek through the beige curtains in his cozy bedroom. He was careful not to disturb you in your peaceful slumber as he detangled his legs from your own before swinging them over the side of the bed with a soft grunt. Despite the familiar ache in his back, he urged himself to stand as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The floorboards creaked beneath the weight of his footsteps as he padded off to his connected bathroom. Despite the nightmare he endured just a few hours ago, he felt moderately well rested. He splashed a bit of luke-warm water onto his face before he proceeded to brush his teeth.

He returned to his side of the bed shortly after as he quietly dressed for the day before he scribbled down a note for you to awake to. The last thing he wanted was for you to think that he was leaving in a hurry, or feeling like the events that took place last night were a mistake. That couldn’t be any further from the truth. His handwriting was chicken scratch compared to your gentle strokes of the pen, but was legible at least.

Good morning, darlin.’ I'm headed down to the stables to build a pen for Honey. Help yourself to some coffee, and whatever else you’d like. I’ll be back in time to take you to breakfast.

-Your Joel.

So what if he was a bit of a sap, you were, after all, the first person he showed vulnerability to since Tess. This was as big a deal for him as it was for you, but it felt natural. As natural as breathing, as putting one foot in front of the other.

He found Honey still curled up in the corner of the couch as he stopped to give the fawn a gentle pat on her furry little head. He couldn’t help but think of the horrors that would have been unleashed on her if he didn’t rescue her in the woods. Surely, she would have been ripped to shreds.

Vile.

With one final delicate pat to her head, he reached for the blanket that was wrapped around the tiny creature, and gently tucked the corners in so she was a nice snug bug in a rug. he shuffled away to tug on his working boots before he grabbed his every-day use tool box from the closet. A ghost of a smile was tugging on his lips as he swung the metal loop of his house keys between his fingers. He was so lucky to know that just up the stairs, you lay beneath his sheets.

Even in the early morning hours, Joel could taste humidity on his tongue. July was already proving to be a sweltering one. He was too caught up in his saccharine thoughts of you back in his cozy home, to hear footsteps approaching behind him. Well, it also didn’t help that he was partially deaf in his right ear.

When he pushed open the stable doors, he was greeted with a few friendly nickers as he made his way down the stall aisle. He had developed a particular soft spot for your mare, Tess, for obvious reasons. She was sweet, gentle, kind-hearted just like you. And as silly as it may sound, he saw his Tess in your mare’s eyes.

Tex’s sleek black neck was already craning over his stall door as he pressed his velvet soft muzzle into Joel’s flannel pocket affectionately.

“Ah, I see. Am I jus’ a treat dispenser to ya now, Tex? Knew that Beanie was gonna give ya a sweet tooth.” He murmured with a deep chuckle as he set his tool box down alongside the outside of Tex’s stall. “I think your lady deserves a sugar cube first, dontcha think?”

Tex pawed the loose hay in his stall with a soft snort as Joel reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of sugarcubes to give to Tess. She didn’t like most men in Jackson, but she already adored your Joel.

The tender felt moment between beast and man was cut short from the sound of the stable doors creaking open once more. There was a sudden edge to the docile air as Lucas strode in casually.

Joel’s jaw clenched harshly under the dust filled light rays that trickled in through the cracks in the stables roof. Golden light flooded through the spaces between the wood as his eyes narrowed downwards between his boots. He was not in the mood for conversation of any kind this early in the morning, and especially not from an individual he already believed to be suspicious.

“Miller?” Lucas asked as he approached with his arms swaying at his sides. “What’re you doin’ up so early?”

“Could ask you the same,” The older man muttered under his breath.

Lucas heard him, but pretended he didn’t. “What was that?”

Joel kicked at a stray rock with the toe of his boot as he straightened himself up so that he could appear more intimidating. “I think you heard exactly what I said.”

Lucas raised a brow with an amused grin as he stopped in front of Tess’s stall. “You really can’t fuckin’ stand me, huh?” Before Joel could answer, Lucas waved him off as if they were friends having a minor disagreement.

Tess immediately took a few nervous steps back from where Lucas was leaning against the side of her stall door. Her sudden erratic behavior set Tex off immediately as he pawed the ground fiercely, and flattened his ears to the back of his skull. A territorial display that sent hairs standing up on the back of Joel’s neck almost immediately.

Joel knew that horses had a tendency to be sensitive towards certain people, but he had never seen Tess respond in this manner. It was..odd.

Lucas paid no mind to the mare's behavior as he focused his attention back on the older man. “So, who does this beauty belong to anyway?”

Joel started to stiffen before he relaxed his shoulders with a slow roll. “She’s Beanie’s.” he muttered flatly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few more sugar cubes and held them outstretched in his palm towards Tess.

Your mare took a few timid steps forwards, before she gently ate the treats right from Joel’s palm. However, as soon as Lucas reached his hand upwards to stroke her snow white neck, she shied away from his touch as the whites of her eyes shone like two pale ghosts as Tex proceeded to send his hoof colliding loudly into the side of his stall; don’t mess with his lady.

Lucas oddly didn’t seem fazed by the mare’s bizarre behavior as he shrugged his shoulders with exaggerated casualness, “mares have never been a fan of me.”

“Can’t imagine why.” Was Joel’s gruff response as he turned his back to pick up his toolbox once more. He proceeded to ignore the ‘intruder’ as he set to work on building a pen for Honey right next to Tex’s stall. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

The only problem was that Lucas had a godawful time at reading the fucking room, or he was doing this to get a rise out of Joel on purpose.

“Speaking of you and Beanie, what’s goin’ on between the two of you anyway? Hearin’ whisperin’s here and there that you and her are like an item.” He drawled smoothly.

“Ain’t think that’s much of your concern, or business to have, Lucas.” Joel’s tone was muffled as he spoke into the fabric of his flannel along his shoulder.

“Ah, I hear ya there, brother. Gotta be careful with a woman like that. They can be real heartbreakers if ya ain’t careful.”

He’s baiting you, Joel. Don’t fall for it.

“Yeah? How would you know the type of woman she is, and isn’t?” Joel delivered his response with ease as he pulled out a tape measure.

“Not sayin’ that I do, jus’ that I've been around enough women like her to know what I'm talkin’ about. And a woman like that can’t be held down. They’re flighty and callus. One second you think you’re special to them, and the next—”

“Well, who said anythin’ about me wantin’ to hold her down? She’s her own person, Lucas. I don’t own her.” Joel gritted through his teeth.

Don’t give in. Don’t give in.

Joel could hear the younger, cockier man smirking through his teeth. “So, she’s not your girl then is what you’re sayin?’ Huh. I surely thought you two were an item.”

The sound of the tape measurer clanking into the toolbox with a loud thud was all Lucas needed to know that he won. Joel straightened his back as he stood up and whipped around, fully ready to go toe to toe to get this gnat out of his face.

“Y’know what you remind me of? A snake.” Joel seethed as his fists trembled at his sides. “A snake in the tall weeds just waiting to strike. What’s your angle, Lucas?” his eyes narrowed as Lucas watched in pure amusement to watch the brave and unmovable Joel Miller slowly losing his composure.

“A snake, huh? Think more like a wolf. And you’re the boneheaded moose thinkin’ you’re unbreakable. Look at you now, Joel Miller. Trembling with rage from just my words. You know what I think?” He leaned in close enough just in case the older man couldn’t clearly hear him. “Even the strongest moose can be taken down by a pack.” He sneered.

Something inside of Joel snapped like a coil being pulled tight and he saw red as his hands grasped the lapels of the younger man's shirt with a furious rage.’ “Y’want me to go ahead and fuckin’ break the other wrist, huh?! Cus’ I can do that. Right here. Right now if you wanna keep makin’ these threats. We can have a real fuckin—”

“HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON HERE?” It was Tommy, and Joel had never felt so relieved to see his brother in that moment as he released Lucas from his death-grip grasp.

Lucas looked like a deer in headlights as he was not expecting Tommy’s sudden arrival. Yet, he held his composure as he combed his fingers through his hair. “Your brother here was jus’ threatening to break my other wrist jus’ now.”

“Yeah, I heard that bit, right after you threatened him first. Get lost, now. Before I change my mind and report this directly to Maria. The hell you thinkin’ rilin’ my brother up like that?!”

Lucas was dumbfounded and ego-wounded. Most importantly, he was and always would be a coward. His eyes locked on Joel’s, and then Tommy’s before he slunk away in a wolf-like fashion through the stable doors.

Neither Miller brother spoke for a while as it appeared they were processing what had happened. Joel opted to slowly sink down between Tex’s and Tess’s stall with his hands resting between his knees as he worked on steadying his heartbeat to normal.

“Hey, Tommy?” Joel started, “How much of a’that did ya hear?”

“Enough to know that Lucas was purposely trying to get a rise out of you.” Tommy responded as he walked over to Timber’s stall and tightly shook his head.

Joel breathed out an immediate sigh of relief as he slumped back against the stall doors. “Tommy? Did Lucas show up to Jackson before, or after you and Maria found Beanie?”

Both brothers slowly met one another's gaze as Tommy gently stroked Timber’s neck with a steady palm. “After,” he confirmed Joel’s immediate suspicions.

Joel watched in silence as his brother walked over to him before he bent down and offered Joel his hand to help him up.

“Tommy, how come I didn’t hear ya come in?” Joel mumbled as he firmly grasped his brother’s hand before pulling himself up to his feet with a grunt.

Tommy could feel his heart begin to slowly sink into the pit of his stomach. Just like the way that the sun would gradually dip behind the horizon at the end of each day. He gave his brother a mournful look as he gently placed his hand along the right side of Joel’s head, and brushed his thumb across the scar. Right against the spot where the bullet missed. “Y’know why, brother.” He murmured softly with a heavy heart.

Joel knew, it was there, written into his skin. He swallowed his tears that were beginning to brew as he wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him tightly. “Tommy, somethin’ ain’t right here. I’m gettin’ that sick feelin’ in my stomach. Were you here to see the way Tess acted towards Lucas?”

“Somethin’ definitely ain’t right. I told ya that I’d have your back, big brother. Remember? I arrived a bit too late. Musta missed that bit.”

Joel nodded as he slowly dropped his arms to his sides. “Well, she flipped out. I’m talkin’ like a complete 180 as soon as Lucas tried to touch her, Tommy. Pissed Tex the hell off as well. Somethin’ about it was...odd. Almost like she recognized his face or, she jus’ could sense that he ain’t a good person.”

“Well, horses are pretty sensitive creatures, so it is possible that maybe...”

Joel’s jaw inwardly clenched as his brain was replaying the events that just took place. There were numerous red flags that went ablazing. Tess’s fear towards Lucas. Lucas prying for information… And what the hell was the whole thing about him referring to himself as a wolf, and Joel as the boneheaded moose?

“I think we oughta start keepin’ a watchful eye on him. For all we know, he could be plannin’ somethin’ right under our noses. Tommy, the last thing you and I or Maria want is for someone to turn up missing. What about Ellie and Dina? The rest of the women around here? The sooner we–”

“Joel,” Tommy started with a heavy sigh, “I hear ya, but we need evidence. Cold. Hard. Evidence. I’d start by documenting what happened just now. Write it down in full detail. I’ll write up my own report on it as well. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye on his whereabouts, alright?”

Joel let out a heavy sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“Yeah, cus’ that’s the only way Maria would ever believe us.”

“We need to have shit to back up our accusations.” “Hey, while you’re here, mind helpin’ me build this pen for Honey? I gotta get back home in time to take Beanie to breakfast. I left her a note, but I don’t want her thinkin’ that I ditched her or somethin’.” Joel casually stated. Once he realized what he said, it was too late, and Tommy already had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

“Hold on a second now. Did you n’Beanie have a sleepover last night? As in she slept in your bed? Woo doggy, it’s about damn time!” Tommy nearly hollered as he went to give his brother a proper slap on his back.

Joel’s entire face turned beet red as he coughed into the sleeve of his flannel to hopefully hide his obvious blushing. “Uhh–yeah. You can call it a sleepover, I guess? Look, I don’t need ya goin’ and makin’ a big deal outta this. We kissed, and then I asked her if she would spend the night. That’s all that happened.” Well, we kissed a few times actually.

“Y’all kissed?! Joel, this is a big deal! Are ya kiddin’ me? Big brother, this is amazing news! Look at you bein’ the romantic!”

Joel let out a frustrated groan when he realized he wasn’t gonna get out of this one that easily. “Yeah. Yeah. We kissed, and I really like her, Tommy. So, can we just keep this between the two of us? I don’t want Maria, or anyone else for that matter gossipin’ about my private life.”

“Riiiight. Cus’ I’m jus’ gonna go and shout it from the rooftops that my big brother finally grew a pair and kissed the girl. Thank fuck. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” The younger Miller brother was genuinely happy for his older counterpart. Everyone deserved that someone in their life, but Joel especially.

“I was jus’ buying myself time. Last thing I'd ever wanna do is unintentionally offend or hurt her. Now, will ya do some work for once in your life and hand me those wooden boards o’there?” he gestured to the planks of wood that were resting along one of the empty stalls. “All I will say is that woman is amazing. Not to sound like a total cliché, but she’s a breath of fresh air. Sunlight after a raging storm. She’s–”

“Made of stardust and coffee beans.” Tommy chimed in with a playful grin. “Well, you got it bad, Joel. S’alright. Happens to the best of us.” He shot his brother a knowing wink before he retrieved the wooden boards with ease.

Joel couldn’t help but allow a tiny glimpse of a smile tug on his lips from Tommy’s words. A moment of peace and blissful thoughts was better than dwelling on the elephant in the room. Something was unquestionably off about Lucas, and his rather alarming behavior.

*end Joel’s POV*

In the safety and familiar warmth of Joel’s sheets, your mind was free to wander and romp. Your brain's natural defenses to block out painful memories and terrifying events, crumbled as you subconsciously breathed in the comforting scent of Joel, your Joel. Unbeknownst to you, he was your ticket to peace. Your shining beacon of light through a pitch black formidable darkness.

As a gentle breeze swayed through the curtains in his bedroom, you were subconsciously reliving your time before Jackson. Before Maria, Tommy, and Joel. Memories that were once fragmented and jagged, were being pieced together behind softly closed lashes.

dead of the winter; post outbreak. Date unspecified. 50 miles from Jackson.

Tess was gradually growing weaker with each step she took through the billowing snow. Your horse was strong-footed and able bodied, but even she had her limits. You were beginning to feel numbness engulf your body. It felt like a thousand shards of ice impaling your skin. Your lungs ached and burned from the sub-zero temperatures. Your fingers and toes were growing stiff as you urged your mare onwards.

“Just a bit further, please, Tess. We—we can’t stop now.” You murmured through chattering teeth as the wind whipped wildly and howled in your ears.

All hope seemed to disintegrate through your frozen lashes as you could feel your body begin to shut down. It was giving up, but you weren’t ready for death's cold grasp.

You were a survivor, after all.

Smoke. Fire. Warmth.

A miracle, or a hallucination created by your deteriorating body. The fact of the matter was that you were not going to die tonight. Tess seemed to sense your desperation and urgency as she forced herself to continue forward towards the looming evergreens. The distinguishable smell of ash wafted through your nostrils the closer you drew to the campsite. You knew that fire also meant danger, but your brain had gone into survival mode and could give less of a fuck about that.

The campsite you and Tess stumbled upon seemed to be unoccupied. It should have raised your suspicions, but when you collapsed from your saddle and landed on the snowy ground with a soft thud, you convinced yourself it was a miracle. You dragged yourself closer to the fire with whatever strength you had left and rubbed your frozen gloved hands together to create some friction.

Tess’s velvet soft muzzle nudged at your back as she checked to make sure that you were okay. Her ears perked and flicked in the direction of a familiar nicker as she lifted her head quickly to observe her surroundings. Four horses were seen happily munching away on a heap of hay. Your poor mare hadn’t eaten in what felt like weeks, and her own survival instincts kicked in as she approached the other horses with timid curiosity.

Your eyes fluttered shut as you hunched over in relief. You didn’t believe in God, but if you did, then this fire must have been brought to you by a goddamn angel.

Your relief turned to dread the moment you felt the cooling sensation of metal kissing the back of your neck.

“Don’t fuckin’ move.” The voice commanded as you slowly raised your arms above your head to show that you were no immediate threat.

“I’m—sorry. I assumed no one was here—I’m freezing.” Your teeth were still audibly chattering as you craned your neck to look up at the person the voice belonged to.

A man.

“Are you alone?” He had not removed the barrel of his gun from your neck as he proceeded to pat you down with his freehand.

“Yes, I am alone.”

He paused momentarily as he pondered on what should be done with you, the intruder.

“Where are you headed to?” He asked firmly.

“Nowhere. Just got caught up in this storm, and seeking shelter.”

“I see..and you’re not lyin’ when you said that you’re alone?”

“I swear on my life, I am alone. It’s just my horse Tess and I.” You pleaded softly as you took a shaky inhale through your nose.

“I believe you.”

Your shoulders immediately slumped in relief as you released the breath you were holding.

The man slowly retracted his gun into his holster before he offered you his hand. The first thing you noticed was his tattooed skin on the inside of his wrist. The fabric of his jacket had lifted just enough for you to make out the design. A wolf head with beady red eyes that appeared to be staring right into your soul.

“Thank you. I’ll be out of your hair by the morning. I just need to warm up a bit if that’s alright?” You grasped his outstretched hand as he gently hoisted you to your feet.

“Nonsense. You’re freezin’, and probably starvin’, right? C’mon, let’s get you somethin’ to eat.”

You were beyond starving, but he didn’t need to know that. You were slightly weary of this stranger's sudden hospitality, but that didn’t deter you from making the choice that would haunt you forever.

“I suppose..I could eat something.” You mumbled under your breath.

He smiled, it appeared genuine on the surface, but it masked unspeakable evil beneath white teeth, and kind eyes.

He told you his name, and you told him yours as he led you to his nearby tent. Your body shamelessly relaxed as he offered you safety and food in your belly. If only you knew what was to come.

You didn’t leave the following morning. Or the morning after . Nor the morning after that. You stuck around because the truth was, you weren’t going to survive on your own for much longer, and here was an opportunity that your brain was screaming at you to not pass up on. Endure and survive, and survive you did. Even if it meant joining a raiders camp.

It didn’t happen overnight, as trust takes time to be built and nurtured, but when it did happen, the lines were gradually blurred. Was this a genuine feeling from your heart that hadn’t been touched by another soul since before the outbreak, or was this simply your brain concocting a plan to keep your heart beating, and your blood pumping. The fact of the matter was that you firmly believed your body was incapable of dipping back into the shredded remnants of intimacy that you left behind in Austin. One thing was for certain, this man offered you protection, warmth, and steady nutrients, and you’d be damned if you let that go.

In your eyes, you consensually engaged in a physical relationship with this man. Make him want you. Make him need you so much that you’ll never live in fear again. Because once you make him believe that he is important, he’ll protect you till your last dying breath.

If only it were that easy. If only you knew that the monsters weren’t the cordyceps, but instead they were shaped as a man that you willingly shared a tent with.

You thought you had played him like a fiddle, but he was onto you without you realizing it. He had your little game all figured out, and when you did, it was too late.

Those same kind eyes, and bright smile was the last thing you remember seeing before everything went black as your body slumped into his lap. The tea mug that was in your hands now clattered to the ground, shattering upon impact. Your arm fell limp at your side as your breath stilled. Unbeknownst to you, the tea he gave you was laced, and now you were at his mercy.

When you awoke the following morning, your mind was groggy and laden with confusion as you tried to piece together the missing fragments of last night’s events . The ground was cold beneath you as your eyes fluttered open. The coolness of metal bit fiercely at your bare skin giving you goosebumps You were encaged; literally. Surrounded by steel bars as you struggled to pull yourself up into a sitting position, but it felt like your body weighed a ton of bricks. You tried to scream, but your vocal chords felt shot as your voice fell silent.

You shook the bars with a new instilled fear as tears flooded your cheeks like a rushing river. Your eyes frantically looked around as a heavy pair of boots slowly approached.

“Wouldn’t do that if I was you, princess.” The familiar voice cooed unpleasantly and bile rose up your throat.

“You—you did this to me! Why?!” Your voice cracked. Your brain was scrambling to piece your broken memory together. One moment you were drinking tea, and the next—

“You played me for a fuckin’ fool. Thought you could just use me for your own survival, huh? Well, baby, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you ain’t fuckin’ goin’ anywhere.”

“What—what are you talking about?! What did you do to me?! Where are my clothes?!”

He crouched down as his cruel gaze met your frightened one. His hand grasped your chin harshly as he yanked your face against the bars that encaged you. “I put you in your fucking place. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch onto your little game? You think you’re so fuckin’ smart, huh? You thought you had me all figured out. That’s where you’re wrong, baby. Oh so wrong. You’re the fuckin’ fool.”

“Please, I’m sorry! I wasn’t—you’ve got it all wrong! I swear!” You pleaded desperately as he dug the blunt end of his fingernails into your chin.

“Oh, my dear sweet, naive creature, you walked right into the wolves fuckin’ den without even realizing it. You’re the fool for trusting me, and now you’re gonna pay for it until I decide to put you out of your misery. Save your tears, princess. You’re gonna need them.”

You woke up in a thick pool of sweat. The sheets clung to your skin like glue, and it felt like you were trapped. Joel’s bedroom sickly transformed into steel bars. Cold, and biting at your raw skin. You blinked, hoping this was all a hallucination. Your mind just playing a twisted trick on your fragile state. You called for Joel. You called for anyone who could possibly hear your pleas. The more you struggled, the more the bars seemed to close in on you. Suffocating. Stripping your lungs of all oxygen as your hands clawed at your throat.

Where was Joel?

You squeezed your eyes shut tight to the point where it felt painful. Seconds ticked before you finally threw the covers from your body with a strangled gasp. Your eyes shot open as you surveyed your surroundings. The steel bars were gone. The tattoo—

Tattoo

Wolf head

Beady red eyes

You chanted these three phrases under your breath like a woman gone mad. Your skin was clammy to the touch as you stumbled away from the bed.

Tattoo

Wolf head

Beady red eyes

Write this down.

Your eyes frantically locked in on the note that was left along the nightstand. You snatched it up in a fury. Your vision darted across every word on the page as if it held some hidden clue between the lines.

You continued to recite the three phrases as you tucked the note into the pocket of the flannel pajama bottoms you were wearing. Your ears picked up on the familiar sound of the front door being unlocked. Your feet seemed to carry you faster than your brain could process as you stumbled out of Joel’s bedroom.

Tattoo

Wolf head

Beady red eyes

“Joel!” You yelled urgently from the top of the stairs

“Beanie!” He answered back with the same level of urgency. He met you at the halfway point of the staircase before you collapsed into his arms.

“Beanie?! What’s wrong? Darlin’ what’s happened?” His arms remained anchored around your waist as you grasped his forearms tightly, he surely would have indents in his skin from your death grip.

“Tattoo. Wolf head. Beady red eyes.” You mumbled with your forehead pressed deeply into his chest.

“Beanie, what are you goin’ on about? What tattoo? Darlin’, this ain’t makin’ any sense at all! Please, tell me what’s going on?!” He tried his hardest not to yell, but after what happened in the stables, he was in fact freaking out.

“He—he has a tattoo! A tattoo on his wrist, Joel!” You spoke in a frantic, excitable tone.

“Beanie, who has a tattoo?” His tone was hushed, and far less frantic than your own.

You knew his name. You heard it in your nightmare. Five letters. You could say it. You could say it right now and it would all be over!

“The man. He—he has a tattoo. Right wrist, Joel! He has a tattoo. A wolf head! Beady red eyes! It’s on his wrist! I know it is—you have to believe me!”

“Beanie, darlin’, I believe you. Is this the man that?—“

it was as if everything came crashing down around you so suddenly. You stilled in his grasp. Your voice ran silent as you slowly lifted your head from his chest. Your eyes were glazed over as if you were dead inside. Perhaps you were. Perhaps your body was shutting down. Were you breathing? Was your heart pumping blood? Everything was sounding so fuzzy. So far away. The cage. The steel bars. No. No. No. please! You—you have it all wrong! I swear!

You couldn’t hear Joel screaming your name. You couldn’t feel his hands around your body. You couldn’t see him. You were reaching out for him and touching nothing but thin air.

“Beanie, what’s happening?! You’re scarin’ me!” He watched in horror as your eyes rolled back into your skull before you went limp in his arms.

“Doc, I don’t fucking understand. What the hell happened to her?! She was muttering under her breath. Something about a tattoo on a man’s wrist! Next thing I know, she’s talking as if I ain’t even there! Like she was reliving somethin?!’ Then her eyes roll back—and I fuckin’ thought she was dead!”

“Joel, I need you to calm down. She had an extremely intense PTSD episode. I’m not even sure if I have the qualifications to explain it. It was a panic attack that led to her body to shut down ...” The doctor spoke in a hushed tone.

“Don’t fuckin’ tell me to calm down! Do you have any idea what that was like to witness it?! I didn’t even fucking know how to help her, doc!” Joel was gripping his hair so tightly between his fists, it was shocking that he didn’t accidentally tear any strands out.

“Joel, I’m gonna need you to calm down, or you’re gonna get escorted out. Do I make myself clear? Not to mention, you’re gonna fucking hyperventilate if you keep this shit up! I need you to take some deep breaths and pull yourself together!” Doc sounded exasperated as he struggled to keep his own cool.

“Joel?! Hey, hey! C’mon, let’s go take a breather, okay? Ellie and Dina are in there with her. She’ll be fine. C’mon, let’s go take a walk.” Tommy had shown up at just the right time as Joel was thinking of all the ways he could ring up the doc.

Tommy whispered something in his brother's ear as he wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder before nearly having to drag the older Miller brother down the hall through the doors of the med ward.

“Beanie?” A familiar feminine voice asked softly from your bedside.

Ellie and Dina were seated next to the hospital bed that you currently laid in.

Your lashes fluttered open as you squinted up at the annoying bright buzzing fluorescent lights. Your head turned to the side of the scratchy pillow as your brain began to process who the voice belonged to.

“Ellie? Dina? Where—am I?” You whispered with uncertainty as the two teens slowly looked over at one another before returning their focus back onto you.

“Beanie,” Dina started, “you..had a panic attack.” Ellie murmured.

“What? I don’t remember any of it—who brought me here?”

“Joel did. He came rushing out of the house with you limp in his arms. He was yelling for help and we heard the commotion. Beanie, we thought you were dead.”

“When—did this happen?” You asked just nearly above a whisper as you began to cycle through your memories. Unfortunately, a huge chunk was missing and you could feel the frustration tears begin to brew along your waterline.

“This morning. Right before the breakfast bell.” Dina confirmed. She let go of Ellie’s hand as she reached for the box of tissues for you.

“What time is it now? How long have I been here?”

“An hour after the dinner bell went off. You’ve been unconscious all day, Beanie.” Ellie stood up from the chair and approached your bedside slowly sinking down along the edge of the worn mattress. “Can we get you anything? You must be starving.”

Your body sunk further into the mattress as the weight of Ellie’s words made their mark. It felt like it had only been minutes, when it had in fact been hours. “Some water, and—bread with honey? If the mess hall is still open.” You were feeling quite parched.

“Of course. C’mon, Dee. We might have to bribe Angie to whip something up. We’ll be right back. Okay, Beanie?” Ellie gently patted your covered knee before she stood up from the edge of the bedside and offered her hand to Dina.

“Okay.” You weakly responded.

Shortly after the girls left, the door opened once more. Your mind had already hoped it was Joel, but instead you were met with a different pair of brown eyes; Tommy’s.

“Hey, how are we feelin?’” The younger Miller brother softly asked as he sank down into one of the chairs.

“Where’s Joel, Tommy?”

“He’s outside takin’ a breather. Got pretty mouthy with doc, so I stepped in before things coulda gotten ugly. He’ll be alright though. Jus’ need him to blow off some steam first. He’s a bit too excitable to be in here right now.”

You could faintly taste copper along your tongue as you slowly sat up. The right side of your mouth felt swollen and tender, and when you reached your hand up to touch the outside of your cheek, Tommy gently grabbed your wrist and lowered it back down to your side.

“Y’tore your mouth up pretty good. Doc said it’ll heal on its own, but to try and not chew on the right side. Don’t wanna go and irritate it.”

“Tommy, I don’t remember what happened. None of it.”

“Beanie, it’s okay. It was a panic attack. The Doc believes you to have PTSD. You’re gonna be alright. Joel told me that before you passed out, you were muttering about a tattoo on a man’s wrist? Beanie, I know how adamant my brother is about protecting you, but I am too. So, if there’s anything you remember outside of the tattoo, I need you to tell me, okay?” Tommy was a good person. You knew this since him and Maria saved you all those years ago. He never treated you differently. You could trust him just as much as you could trust Joel.

Five letters. Tattoo. Wolf head. Beady eyes.

Tommy wrote everything down.

Ellie and Dina came back with water, bread with honey plus a bit of chili from the mess hall. When Angie heard the news, she wasted no time to whip something up for you. She was such a giving person.

Doc didn’t have any helpful information to relay back to you. He basically just told you to take it easy, and to let your mouth heal. He had no answers to your questions, psychiatry isn’t his field after all. And this made you feel like you truly were just a nutty coffee woman. Maybe even a lost cause. It wasn’t until deep into the night when your Joel finally made an appearance.

You were half asleep when you heard the sound of one of the chairs scrape across the flooring. The sound nearly had you shooting up from the covers before two strong, yet gentle pair of hands eased you back down.

“Shh. It’s okay, Beanie. It’s just me. It’s just Joel.” He reassured you as he slowly sank down into the chair as he removed his hands from your shoulders and rested them between his knees.

Your eyes zoned in on the gauze wrapped around his bicep as he cleared his throat softly.

“Joel, what happened to you?” You timidly asked.

“S’just a scratch, darlin.’ You were holding onto me pretty dang tight. Broke the skin a little, but I’m okay.”

“Joel, I’m so sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I don’t even remember grabbing onto you like that. Where were we when it happened?”

“Beanie, it’s okay. You didn’t hurt me, Angel. You were havin’ a panic attack in the middle of the staircase. I came home from the stables, and you came rushing down, and we met halfway. It all happened so fast.”

“Joel, I did hurt you. You’re fucking injured because of me. I’m so sorry.”

Look what you’ve done.

He’s really going to think that you're just a nutty coffee woman now.

“Beanie, I need you to believe me when I tell you it’s okay. You didn’t have any control of your actions, and I’d never hold that against you, okay? Y’just, you had me so freaked out. You stopped breathing. I couldn’t find your pulse, and I thought you were dead. Thought you had a heart attack or somethin’. Scared me so bad. I’m just so happy that you’re okay.” He was reaching for your hand now as his fingers loosely interlocked with your own.

“I stopped..breathing? Oh god, Joel. I—I don’t even know what to say. Doc didn’t even have much of an explanation for me. Just told me to take it easy and to be gentle with my mouth.”

“He’s fuckin’ useless. I wish he had the answers for you, Beanie. I really wish he did. But, the good news is that I can take ya home whenever you’d like, okay? We can stop by your place, and then head back to mine.”

“Joel, what are you talking about? Why can’t I go back to my home?” He saw the confused frown appear on your lips as he let out a heavy sigh. His thumb gently stroked the outside of your hand as his eyes met yours.

“Beanie, I know you ain’t gonna agree to this, but I think it’s best that for the time being you stay at my place. I want to make sure that you have the time to recover, and the girls would love to spend some more time with you. It’ll only be for a little while. I promise.”

“Joel, I appreciate your offer, but I just want to go home. Can I please go home?”

“Honey, I know you do, but this will only be for a few days tops. I would never force you to agree to this. I’m just suggestin’ it for your own well-being, okay? Jus’ need ya to trust me to trust you. Y’remember that day, dontcha baby?”

Even your stubbornness had its limits. Despite not initially agreeing, you could tell just from Joel’s eyes alone, that he just wanted to take care of you. Perhaps his initial reasoning was a little selfish, but it undoubtedly felt good knowing that someone in this world cared about you so much, that your well-being was important to them.

“Okay. I trust you, Joel.” You squeezed his hand firmly as he gave you a reassuring nod.

Joel gave you all the time that you needed to gather up your belongings from home. He assured you that this would only be temporary, and he just wanted to make sure that you would heal. You were too exhausted to put up a fight as you zipped your backpack up with a sigh.

You loosely held hands the entire short walk back to his home. You could faintly hear girlish giggles coming from the otherside of the front door as he unlocked it.

“Tommy sent Ellie and Dina over to keep an eye on Honey. We finished buildin’ her pen next to Tex earlier this morning.” He murmured softly as he pushed the handle down and nudged it open with his shoulder.

A smile began to slowly creep over your tired features as Ellie, Dina, and a very playful Honey were seen in your peripheral. Dina was laying between Ellie’s arms on the couch while she was holding the baby bottle at Honey’s level. The young fawn was happily drinking her fill from the bottle, her fluffy white tail wagging happily.

Joel brushed past you with ease before he cleared his throat. “Hey, if you want, y’girls can take Honey up to Ellie’s for the night?”

Ellie briefly made eye contact with Joel before she returned her gaze to the sweet giggles coming from Dina. “Are you sure that’s alright?”

“Positive. S’late , and Beanie oughta be gettin’ some sleep.” Joel replied.

“Alright. We’ll get out of your hair then, Joel. C’mon, Dee, let’s go to bed.” She gave Dina’s shoulder a soft squeeze.

Joel watched silently as the two girls departed from the couch. Dina was protectively holding Honey in her arms now as if she was a small child. The two girls nodded in your direction before they headed upstairs to Ellie’s room.

He didn’t sleep a wink. Last night’s nightmare a long forgotten memory. He wanted to make sure you were okay. So, he stayed up for the rest of the night thinking about you and Ellie.

Two days had passed since your panic attack. Joel would be with you in the early mornings before he’d be whisked off on patrol, and he’d be with you in the evenings. When he wasn’t around during the day, you were graced by both Dina and Ellie’s presence. You weren’t aware of it yet, but both girls cared for you deeply. Girlhood was alive and well in Jackson.

You spent the afternoon in the stables with Ellie and Dina Spending time with the horses and Honey. The young fawn was settling into her new home under the watchful eye of both Tex and Tess.

In the evening, shortly after dinner, you suggested to the girls that it would be fun to have a proper girls night. Face masks, movies, snacks, and of course some crafting. You showed them how to make paint paste from crushing down flower petals and adding a bit of water to turn the powder into a workable paste. A dash of olive oil helped lessen the grainy texture. You promised them that at a later date, you’d show them how to spin the clay wheel, just as you promised Joel.

The record player was crackling softly when the front door squeaked open and closed. Joel hung his rifle along the side of the door before he sunk down onto the bench with a soft grunt. His back hurt ten times more than usual today. He and Tommy patrolled for miles under the sweltering sun. And his frustrations were apparent as he unlaced his boots with a huff, and threw them to the side.

Ellie and Dina were seated at the kitchen table, focused on their paintings as you were making a plate of sandwiches to share. Despite being focused on the task at hand, you faintly heard the sound of the front door opening. You knew Joel was home, finally.

He was scrubbing his hands down his face when he heard your footsteps before you sat down along the wooden bench beside him.

“Hey.” He mumbled tiredly as he dropped his hands to his knees. “What’s goin’ on in there?” He questioned as he turned his body to face you, wincing from the strain it put on his back.

“Girls night. You wanna join? I just made some sandwiches.” You placed your hand gently across his own with a soft smile.

“Kind of you to offer, but I ain’t a girl. I don’t wanna spoil y’alls fun. I will, however, have a sandwich if there’s any to spare for me?” He forced a smile through his pain, clenching his jaw slightly.

“Joel, there’s plenty of sandwiches to go around. I’ll fix you a plate, alright?” You squeezed his hand soothingly.

“Thank you, doll. I’ll probably be out in the shed so y’girls have the house to yourselves.” He added.

“How was patrol?” You asked with genuine concern when you zoned in on the red, blistered patch spreading across the bridge of his nose. “You want some lotion for that? Sun must have been brutal out there.”

He scoffed under his breath as he leaned back against the wall. “It was shit.” He wanted to tell you more, but it was too risky. Too much was currently at stake, and he didn’t want to cause you unnecessary stress. You had been through too much. “Yeah, sun was brutal. Spent a lot of time out in the open plains. Ain’t much cover out there.” He drawled.

“I’m sorry, honey. ” You murmured as you reached your hand up and gently raked your fingers through his hair in a hope to bring him some form of comfort.

“S’okay, darlin.’ How are you doin?’” He asked softly as he leaned into your caress. His mind may have been a warzone, but his words masked it well enough.

“Pretty good. Honey is settling into her new home. I showed Ellie and Dina how to make their own paints from crushed up flower petals. We’re gonna do face masks soon and then watch a movie. Are ya sure you don’t want to join?” You leaned in, letting your fingers slowly drop from his hair, and brush across his weathered cheekbone.

“I’m glad to hear it. Face masks and a movie sound tempting, but I don’t wanna intrude and spoil y’alls fun.” He reassured you as he went in for a kiss. You must have sensed that he needed it as soon as his lips brushed yours, and your lashes fluttered shut. The sweet moment passed as he gently squeezed your knee before he pushed himself up from the bench. You watched as he shuffled down the hall and out of sight.

With a sigh you gathered up his discarded boots and placed them neatly on the doormat next to your own before returning to the kitchen. “Are you girls ready for some sandwiches and face masks?” You asked with a genuine smile as you clasped your hands together.

Both girls nodded and offered to help clean up the table first while you grabbed a plate and placed a couple sandwiches on it before making your way outside to Joel’s shed. You found him sitting in silence with his notebook open on a blank page, sans the title in the top right corner; To Bill and Frank. You set the plate down quietly, pressing a kiss to the side of his head before heading back inside the house.

Dina was in the family room with her own plate while Ellie was still putzing around the kitchen. It appeared as if she had been waiting for you to return based on the way she was nervously ringing her hands together.

“Hey, Beanie?” The teen asked as she eyed her drying painting.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

She took a deep breath before exhaling. “How’s um–how’s Joel doin’ lately?” She asked just above a whisper.

“He’s doing okay. Well, at least I think he is? I think Patrol is weighing on him lately. Y’know, I'm sure he’d love it if you asked him yourself.”

A pained expression crossed Ellie’s face as she brought her arms across her chest in a protective motion, shaking her head tightly at your suggestion. “I can’t do that, Beanie.”

“Ellie, look, I know that you and Joel aren’t on good terms right now, but–”

“What do you know of it?” She questioned.

Your eyes flickered to where Dina was sitting on the couch, and then back to Ellie as your shoulders slumped inwards. “Let's go upstairs for a minute to talk, okay? You can help me grab the skincare stuff.”

Ellie glanced back towards Dina before she nodded in agreement and followed you up the staircase.

“Beanie,” She started timidly, “Did Joel–did he tell you about me?” Ellie was a smart enough kid to know the answer, but she wanted to hear it directly from you.

“He did, a few days ago. The same night that you came home and found us in the kitchen. After you left, he told me about what he did to save you and that you’re distant from him because of it.”

Ellie fought the urge to laugh as she leaned against the bathroom sink with her arms crossed. You could see her fingers begin to tremble. “Yeah? Did he also fail to mention that he fuckin’ killed an entire hospital of Fireflies? And he took the choice of making my life matter away from me?” Her tone was bitter as she gnawed fiercely on her lower lip.

“Ellie, he told me everything, and the reason why he did it.” You reasoned with her as you set the jars of homemade clay masks down on the counter. “Before you jump to conclusions, I understand why you’re upset with him, Ellie.”

She looked surprised as she briefly made eye contact before staring at a chipped patch of paint on the wall. “So, you don’t agree with him then? Is that what you’re telling me? He took my choice away, Beanie. My life could have mattered, and he fuckin’ took that from me.” She whispered grimly as stubborn tears began to trickle down her cheekbones.

“Ellie, your feelings are completely valid. But, your life does matter. You are so important. I know it feels like everything has been ripped from you, but you mean so much to him, Tommy, Dina,myself. I know it’s hard, I know it is, kid. He did what every parent would do for their child, biological or not. He’ll always believe that what he did was right, and that will never change.” You reached your hand up and gently placed it along her shoulder as more tears began to fall.

“I just wish he had given me that choice, Beanie. After everything he and I went through? For what? For my immunity to just be fuckin’ wasted? What if there was a chance? What if this cure–” She clenched her fists tightly as she tucked her chin against her shoulder to try and block out the tears.

“Ellie, the journey that you and Joel took together was not wasted. You survived together. You helped him in more ways than you and I can even begin to imagine. You saved him just as much as he saved you. Ellie, he loves you. He loves you so goddamn much. The world is filled with cruel people. People who take advantage of others weaknesses. People who were born with hate in their hearts, and people who learned to hate. To be cruel. To hurt those around them. Do you know what you’ve done for him, Ellie? You taught that man how to unlearn his hatred for the world. You did that, kiddo.”

Ellie’s sniffles echoed against the faded tiles as she wiped her tears on her sleeve. Her perspective of her purpose in life, and her immunity had been skewed for so many years. Marlene told her she could change the world. She could save everyone. She was manipulated into believing that there could be a cure, and as soon as her assumed purpose was ripped away from her, she felt useless.

“There never was going to be a cure, was there? I was..going to die for nothing?” She questioned somberly as her glassy eyes met your empathy filled ones.

“I don’t have that answer for you, kiddo. I’m sorry. Look, I won’t tell you what you should do, but if you find it in your heart to forgive him, start by talking to him, okay? Whenever you feel ready.” You squeezed her shoulder with a reassuring nod.

“And from there?” She asked in hope that somehow you would have all the answers.

“You both get to live in peace as father and daughter.” You concluded.

Ellie was throwing her arms around your neck in an instant, hugging you tightly as she buried her face into your shoulder, sobbing softly.

You let your own arms drape loosely around the teen’s frame as you hugged. You whispered to her that everything would be alright in the end.

“He’s so lucky to have you, Beanie. You’re one in a million, and I'm happy that he has someone. He’s been through so much.” She murmured against your shirt, using the fabric as the vessel to catch her free falling tears.

“You’re one in a million too, kiddo.” You whispered softly, eyes glistening as you rubbed soothing circles into her back.

Joel was sitting out on the back porch. Seated with his guitar comfortably laying across his lap as he plucked a few strings. After writing the letter to Bill and Frank, he needed to take an emotional break from his current feelings. Music always helped, and music connected him to Sarah and Tommy. He was grateful for the fact that he could enjoy something as simple as playing a few strings on a guitar.

Ellie didn’t approach at first. She was nervous, evidently. After her heartfelt discussion with you, she made the conscious decision to finally take the first step in forgiving Joel for what he had taken from her.

Her boots creaked along the wood as his head slowly lifted. His lips parted, eyes glimmering in pure surprise as he set his guitar down to the side.

“Hey, kiddo.” He murmured in acknowledgement of her presence.

Ellie didn’t respond as she walked towards the railing along the porch and placed her hands against the ledge. Her shoulders were tense and stiff as he approached alongside her, owl mug clasped between his palms as his safety net.

“What’re you drinkin?’” She asked while looking down at faded wood on the railing.

“Coffee.” He responded softly while resting his arms over the ledge. “Shouldn’t y’be in there for girls night?” He brought the rim of the mug up to his lips before taking an inaudible sip.

“I just wanted to come out here for a bit of fresh air.” Ellie mumbled her little white lie.

“Oh, I see. Well, I don’t wanna go disturbin’ your fresh air.” He went to walk away, but Ellie stopped him.

“Joel, that’s not what I meant. Look, I just. Fuck, I’m so stupid.” She whispered under her breath.

“Kiddo, you’re not stupid. I jus–” He was cut off by her words slicing through the balmy air like a sharpened blade.

“I was supposed to die in that hospital, Joel. That was my purpose. And my life would have fuckin’ mattered, but you took that from me. I know you were just doin’ what you believed to be the right thing, Joel. I know you were just tryin’ to save me, but I can’t just let that go. I still lay awake at night thinking about what would have happened if I had died in that hospital. If the doctors extracted the cordyceps from my brain and created a cure, maybe the world would be a different place than it is now. I guess we’ll never know because there is zero chance of ever creating the vaccine.” She fought through fresh tears. In truth, she wanted to yell. To scream and pound her fists into his chest, but she knew this was for the better.

“Ellie, if I was ever given the chance, I’d do it all over again.” His eyes locked on hers. “I know I took that choice from you, but Marlene did as well. Why else do you think we were ambushed? Marlene knew that I wouldn’t let you go through with it had I known that you would have to die. I trusted Marlene , and she wouldn’t even let us say goodbye. To talk to you one last time. I asked and she took you to surgery while I was out cold.. I know it was selfish of me. I know it was, but losing the world felt unbearable and I had to save it.” He was visibly showing discomfort by the way his fingers flexed and trembled against the outside of the mug. His words fell heavy as he awaited Ellie’s response.

“Joel, you didn’t save the world. You took the last shred of hope that humanity had and fuckin’ crushed it! I could have made a difference! I could have saved the world, Joel!” Her voice cracked as her words were lodged in her throat from the oncoming wave of tears.

“I did save the world. I saved my world, Ellie. I lost a daughter once, and I wasn’t about to lose another. Not when you and I endured so much together. You may not be my flesh and blood, but you’re my daughter, and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to keep you safe.” His own tears began to prick the corner of his eyes at his confession. His heart clenched and twisted like a fist. “I couldn’t lose you. You mean too much to me, Ellie.” He croaked.

“I don’t know if I'll ever be able to forgive you, Joel. But I would like to try.” There it was. That sliver of hope that you told Joel to hold onto, and Ellie the same. The extension of an olive branch. A father and daughter making up.

A stray tear rolled down his cheek and clinked softly against the rim of his mug. His lower lip wobbled as he sniffled softly.

“I’d like that.”

Ellie released the breath she didn’t realize she was holding as her body relaxed. She gradually found herself gravitating towards him as their shoulders brushed gently.

A moment’s silence passed before Joel spoke again. “Ellie, I need to tell ya somethin’ that only uncle Tommy and I know about, okay?”

“What is it that you need to tell me, Joel?” Her cheek slowly came to rest between the dip in his shoulder as his posture relaxed.

“Tommy and I have been gatherin’ up evidence and writing up reports to turn in to Maria. We’re under the suspicion that Lucas, one of the guys on patrol, has ulterior motives inside the community. I need you and Dina to stay sharp, okay? You see anythin’ suspicious, you alert Tommy and I immediately, okay, baby girl?”

“How long have you been suspecting him, Joel?”

“Since that night at the Tipsy Bison. When I confronted Seth for calling you and Dina a homophobic slur. The same night that Lucas ‘innocently’ grabbed Beanie’s arm outside the ladies room.“ He confirmed.

“Y’don’t think he has anythin’ to do with those charred bodies that you and Tommy found in the woods last winter, do you?” Ellie asked with uncertainty.

Joel sighed deeply as he tightened his grip around the mug. His deep brown pools met hers in a stern, serious look. “I think he has everythin’ to do with those poor women that we found in the woods.”

______________

*Ambiguous POV*

Raider camp. Approximately five miles south of Jackson

“And what if she’s not in her home, what do we do then?” The man asked.

“She’ll be there. I’m sure of it. And in the case she’s not? Don’t you fuckin’ bother showin’ up empty handed. Haven’t you been lookin’ for the opportunity to prove yourself to me? Well, here’s your chance. Don’t disappoint me.” The other man warned his counterpart with a deadly look as he twirled his favorite blade in his hand.

The peaceful utopian community of Jackson would never see this coming.

Banners made by the lovely @saradika 🤍

#joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal #the last of us #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel the last of us #joel x f!reader #joel x reader #joel x female reader #joel x you #joel tlou #protective joel #joel miller fic #joel miller angst #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fluff #joel miller series

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applcrumbl · 5 months

Text

Soulmate.

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Soulmate! Reader Warnings: None I don't think? Author's Note: still old fics from @bapplbrumbl - unedited

It was in all caps, simple, but elegant. A blue ballpoint scrawled the somewhat legible lettering on the back of his hand. It was an unusual feeling, felt as if you were writing it yourself. He wasn’t. A soulmate thing, He didn’t really understand the reasoning behind it, or why it happened. Just that it was unusual, and that less than 45% of the population had it. Only those with a true soulmate; one that they actually had a chance of meeting. It was activated through sight, as soon as you saw your soulmate, whether it be a fleeting glance or prolonged eye contact, they would have the ability to see everything you wrote on your skin.

Dentist 2:30, it read.

Never anything useful in finding her, always appointments, or little reminders to get milk. Sometimes even a beautiful line of poetry that he wound up writing in his letters home to Steve. But, never a name, or an address.

She had obviously seen him before though, as he could read what was written on her skin; see the little doodles that lined the edges of her hands. Every Tuesday, 11:30am, they would appear. He assumed it was the cause of a boring class, a solid hour of sketches of flowers, and trees. She was talented and educated. He could tell. Bucky really liked that about her. But, sadly, he didn’t know who she was, and there was a possibility that she didn’t realise he existed.

At 16, he enlisted. Because of his duty to fight for the country he loved? Maybe. Because she had written about a visit to the recruitment office and he wanted the possibility of meeting her? More likely.

He wanted to at least see her. He wanted to be able to write to her and have her read it. He wanted a name, an age, anything to give him hope. But routinely, a simple ‘hello’ was written in bold capital letters. There was never a reply.

The first day of his training was a nervous one. He had left Steve in Brooklyn, alone, and the guilt was eating him. Not to mention his ‘skin scribe’, as Steve would put it, hadn’t left any messages that week. Bucky bit his nails down to stubs whilst on his lunch break. Any hope of finding her now was long gone, She was probably back home. And Bucky was most likely going to die fighting.

One of his fellow Regiment brothers cracked a joke. Something at Agent Peggy Carter’s expense. Bucky, desperate to fit in, poked in as well.

“Women on the front line? She wouldn’t last. Too busy combing her hair or something-”

His peers laughed. It died down rather quickly as a female voice spoke.

“That’s a write-up.” the person said. He hadn’t seen her before.

“Sorry ma’am” Bucky replied.

“What is your name, Soldier?”

Bucky sighed, “James B. Barnes, Ma’am.”

The woman nodded, turning on her heel as she walked away. Pen in hand. The man ignored the feeling of embarrassment as he turned back to his group.

“Bloody psychopath,” Bucky laughed, slightly on edge and checking the time on his watch, 11:29. “Okay boys, we’re late for track. Let’s go.”

The encounter was forgotten as quickly as it had happened. Bucky ran the 500m track, correcting his form as much as he could. He ignored the scribbles that appeared on his hands, much too focused to look at them. In hindsight, he wished he had. The quick glance before she washed her hands was not quite enough for him to believe what he had read. His heart fluttered at the sight, rubbing his eyes in disbelief. But it was too late, the pen had gone. Only the trace of the little note that took place on his skin.

James B. Barnes - 107th

If he wasn’t already nervous, he certainly was now. Almost stopping in his tracks as his regiment caught up behind him. He ran off of the track, despite the shouts of his superiors. He scanned the base, no faces jumped out at him though. He swore to write something to her as soon as he found a pen.

“Barnes, What are you doing?”

“Sorry Sir, Bathroom issues.” He lied.

Clammy hands gripped the pen tightly in his right hand. Veins climbed his fingers, framing the space where he was going to write. It wasn’t the first time he’d tried to contact her, but the extreme likeliness that he’d seen her that day made his heart thunder. Thoughts swarmed in his head like wasps around fresh fruit. What if he hadn’t seen her? What if she wasn't here? What if she didn’t reply, and didn’t want anything to do with him?

A shaky hand, lettered the words ‘are you here?’ In a small font at the top of his hand, leaving space for her to reply.

You had decided not to tell Peggy of the encounter with the rude group of soldiers. She already had it much too hard to hear every little rumour around the barracks. And so, the write-up went unfinished. ‘No trace that could hurt Peggy’s feelings’ you thought.

You were supposed to supervise training that afternoon, instead opting to take some well-earned time away from the camp. You sat with your book, reading. Eyes scanned the pages, taking in the words of one specific sentence to mind. Grasping for your notebook, you could not find it. Instead dog-earring the page to keep it in mind. Peggy would be mad at you for damaging the book, but you could deal with that later.

A knock at the door signified wanted entry. Cynthia entered. She was nice, you had nothing against her personally, but all she ever wanted to do was talk about her soulmate and how they met. The story was cute the first time, but after hearing it weekly for the entirety of the year so far, it got boring. And your feeling of loneliness grew bigger.

The whole soulmate trope felt like bollocks to you, where did it come from? Why do we have it? Millions of questions in your head but one of them stood out the most: Where was yours?

You were one to draw on yourself anyways, even accidentally. Mindless doodles were your coping mechanism and a source of entertainment during boring lectures. In other words: it was purely a hobby. But part of you hoped that your soulmate was out there if you even had one and that one day he would write something back.

You almost didn’t feel the ballpoint writing on your skin. It was faint, he had a light touch, almost careful to hurt you. It was so soft that if you had been paying attention to Cynthia, or were not craving the sensation, you probably wouldn’t be feeling it at all. The feeling was almost burning, yet loving at the same time, caring.

In a panic, you interrupted the story. “Have you got a pen?”

“Yes, but I’ll need it. Why?” She handed it to you.

Your leg bounced as you read the message on your hand. In all of the excitement, you didn’t even answer his question, instead of posing one of your own.

Who are you?

Bucky stared at his hand for what felt like hours, He sat alone in his barracks. Eyes not once leaving the rough skin of the back of his hand. Your handwriting had always been beautiful, but even more so now that it was directed to him. ‘James, But call me Bucky’ he answered, stroking his finger over the sentence she’d just finished writing.

The writing was getting smaller, a struggle to squeeze the conversation in. ‘Y/N’ she wrote.

Cynthia was getting impatient, somehow desperate to get her pen back. Considering the hours you had taken listening to her story, you would think she would be the least bit understanding of your situation.

“I need the pen back” she stated, a pompous hand extended forward. There was not much you could say to protest, handing the writing utensil over. You arose quickly, walking out of your room and into the neighbouring.

Bucky wrote back. 'Meet me, Please.'

“Is there a pen in here?” She asked one of the soldiers sitting on the bed. He threw a spare over. “Thank you”

‘Where?’ she wrote, hiding away. Then passing the pen back to the Soldier. And leaving.

‘I’m with the 107th regiment.’

It was a long shot, she might just ignore it. Wanting nothing to do with him. He silently prayed for an answer.

Meanwhile, in the corridor, you froze. He was here.

If only you still had a pen you could find him. Unwilling to ask that soldier for his pen back, you thought. Eventually giving in.

“I’m going to need your pen again, I am so sorry"

“I’m using it now,” The other soldier said, putting it on his bed and turning away.

A moment of worry traced your features, what if he thinks you’re ignoring him? You reach to grab the pen anyway, surely he wouldn’t notice.

But, he did. And with lightning reflexes caught the outstretched hand at the wrist. Again you apologised, taking in his features. You felt guilty, but after all, it was just a pen. “That’s my pen,” he stated.

“I know, I just need to borrow it for two seconds,”

Bucky thought you were pretty, same as he did when you wrote him up earlier. He felt bad for thinking that, considering his soulmate could quite possibly be very close. He complied anyway, watching you take the pen and glide it across your skin. four words, ‘i’m in the dormitory’.

He watched it happen, the exact moment the ballpoint touched your skin. The skin of his soulmate. Every letter shook his core, tears threatening to burst from his eyes. A hard stopped your movements.

“Y/N?” he asked, reaching to pull up the sleeve that had fallen to cover his hands.

Confusion plagued your features, a pair of furrowed brows turning to face the soldier. “Yes?” you questioned, not quite catching on.

In one swift movement, he took his pen back, quickly gliding it over his skin. He didn’t have long to think, desperately wanting to write something cool that would impress you. But, he also just wanted to let you know. He wrote a simple statement.

Nice you meet you.

#applcrumbl #writing #bucky barnes #sebastian stan #the winter soldier #bucky barnes x reader

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archangeldyke-all · 5 months

Note

okay, wait y all

EXSEV i mean how she be, toxic? possesive? maybe none of that

maybe she gonna kiss/ fuck you so everyone knows your still hers? idk

maybe you have new partner?

if this inspires you, is nlt necessary have to be what i said, maybe she is a cry baby

but if you do i die for see sev on her knees beg to have you back.

if your comfortable, kiss

omg... OMGGG okay...

(just a quick heads up! this one has a brief scene where reader vomits, so if that is a trigger for u plz don't read!)

men and minors dni

there isn't a big fight. well, that's not entirely true. you fight it tooth and nail, but sevika stays stoic, sad, and sure. she's breaking up with you. you don't understand why.

"i thought things were good-- i thought you loved me!" you shout. you're in your pajamas, had been expecting sevika to come home and cuddle you. you never would've guessed this was coming.

she nods. "they are. i do." she says.

"so then why the fuck--"

"i don't know!" she shouts suddenly. it's silent as she gathers her thoughts. "i just can't do this anymore." she says softly.

"you can't be serious." you whisper. sevika shrugs, looking down at her feet. "what happened today?" you ask. "you-- everything was fine this morning!" sevika shrugs again, still not looking at you. you scoff.

if she had said something, she would've said that today at work she narrowly avoided a knife to her stomach. she would've said that she's never been scared to die before, but today-- she was terrified. all she could think about was your face when you'd get the news. all she could think about was how she could never hurt you like that.

if she had said something, you wouldn't have stormed off to pack a duffel bag, muffling your sobs with the back of your hand.

if she had said something, you would've stayed-- told her that you're both guaranteed to die someday, that you just wanted to spend every moment alive you could with her.

but she didn't. so you left.

sevika is miserable without you. she thought she'd just be back to her old self, the person she was before you-- grumpier, quieter, more tired.

she wasn't. she was much worse than that.

she felt physically ill each morning when she woke up without you beside her. each night, she'd lay in bed awake, her mind replaying the pathetic sobs you tried to hide from her while you packed your bags that night.

each time she comes home to an empty apartment it's like a punch to her gut. her closet is bare now, without your clothes shoved up against hers. her shelves are nearly empty-- all your knickknacks and books gone.

so she starts avoiding home. starts spending more and more hours at the last drop, nowhere near ready to return to babettes. the thought of fucking someone besides you makes her sick.

she doesn't hear from you at all.

you aren't doing much better than she is, but you're determined to avoid her at all costs. the thought of seeing her makes you cry.

about a month after the break up, you bump into her on the street.

you were walking home from the market, hands full with paper bags, trying to figure out what you were going to cook for dinner.

you bumped into someone, cursing and apologizing, cutting yourself off when you look up and your eyes meet with sevika's.

you're both shocked to silence. for a heartbreaking moment, everything feels normal again, like the two of you are walking home from the market together and sevika's stopped in the middle of the street to kiss you.

you shake your head. that's not what's happening here.

you take a step away from her. "hey, sevika." you say sadly.

her heart breaks at the use of her full name. you were the only one who ever called her 'sev.' she missed the nickname.

"hey." she grunts awkwardly. you look around, trying to avoid her gaze, and let out a spiteful laugh when you see the building sevika's loitering in front of.

"back to your girls already?" you spit. sevika freezes, looking over her shoulder at the glowing neon light of babette's.

"no i'm not-- silco's here on business."

"right." you say sarcastically, taking another step away from her. "'s this why you ended it? missed 'em that much?" you ask. "or maybe you were fuckin' 'em all along. didn't want me to figure it out."

you're spiraling right in the middle of the street, all the rage and sadness and grief boiling over at the sight of sevika.

"don't be fucking stupid. you know i'd never cheat on you." she spits. you laugh hysterically.

"yeah, well there were a lot of things i thought i knew, sevika." you say. "thought i knew you were the one." you shrug. "guess i was wrong about that, though, huh?"

you may as well have ripped her heart out through her chest. she realizes then what she's done to you, how heartbroken you truly are. she has to ball her hands into fists to keep from reaching up and brushing your tears away. she bites her tongue and reminds herself that this is what she wanted.

"have a good night." you say, sidestepping her and hitching your paper bags further up your hip. "don't forget to tip your girl."

your friends take you out one night in an attempt to cheer you up. it's been a month and a half since the breakup, and you still feel just as gutted and horrible as the night it happened.

they take you to the last drop, but only after you give it the okay. you still have sevika's schedule memorized, so the only reason you agree is because you know she'll be off tonight.

it's nice to be back. sevika's coworkers greet you with smiles and hugs, telling you they've missed having you around, asking you where you've been.

you realize that sevika hasn't told them about the breakup. it makes you furious.

"she broke up with me." you say to theriam as he whips up your usual drink order. he freezes.

"seriously?" you nod. "what the fuck'd she do that for?" he asks. you try not to burst into tears at the question, simply shrugging.

"wish i knew." you whisper. "think she got bored of me." he scoffs behind the bar.

"no way, she's obsessed with you. it all makes sense now, she's been a total bitch for like... five or six weeks now." he says. "she's been miserable." he adds. you shrug again.

"yeah?" you ask. he nods. "good." you say. he chuckles and passes you your drink, telling you to have a fun night.

you and your friends dance and drink-- and for a few hours you really do manage to feel okay again. that is, until sevika walks in.

your eyes meet across the dance floor and you both freeze. sevika feels something warm bubble up in her stomach at the sight of you, and she tries to swallow it down.

she storms to the bar to drink away her feelings, downing three shots in quick succession before ordering a drink.

you keep your eyes trained on sevika, a fact she's well aware of. she can feel your gaze on her, she's always been able to. she wonders if she should come talk to you, wonders if it would be the right thing to say hello.

she catches your eye from the bar and waves shyly at you. you roll your eyes at her but wave back anyways. she has to bite back a grin.

beside her, a woman's hand slowly snakes up her arm. she's so caught up in the sight of you she doesn't notice one of babette's girls (for the life of her she can't remember her name) draping herself over sevika until the woman's purring in sevika's ear.

"long time no see, sevika." she whispers, her tongue flicking sevika's earlobe. sevika jumps in her seat, whipping around to face the woman, then back around to face you.

you look devastated.

you look... slightly green.

sevika pushes the woman off of her as you bolt from the bar, running after you.

she finds you vomiting in the alley between bouts of crying.

"shit." she says at the sight of you. she walks over to pull your hair back from your face and rub on your back, only to be furiously smacked away by you.

"get the fuck away from me!" you cry out before another round of bile forces its way out of you. she doesn't move, and your vomit splatters on her shoes. it makes you feel slightly better.

"you okay, baby?" she asks. the petname rolls off her tongue subconciously, and she cringes when she hears herself say it.

you snap up from where you were bent over, fire in your eyes as you shove sevika away from you with both hands, hard. she barely stumbles.

"you do not get to call--"

"i know." she cuts you off. "i'm sorry. it was a mistake." she says softly.

suddenly, you're bursting into tears. you bury your face in your hands and try to compose yourself, but something about sevika's presence makes it impossible.

across from you, sevika is digging her nails into her palm to keep from reaching out and gathering you in her arms. she tries speaking.

"it's not what it looks like." she says. you laugh between your cries, shaking your head.

"none of my business anyways, you're not mine anymore." you reply shakily. with a deep breath, you pry your hands away from your face, wiping away your tears and snot.

it's sevika's turn to laugh. "don't be ridiculous." she says. you blink up at her in confusion, your eyes wide and watery, and something inside her snaps. "of course i'm still yours!" she shouts. you jump at the outburst. "i can't sleep, i can't eat, i'm a fucking mess all the time. i can't even-- i can't even step foot inside babette's, the thought of someone else makes me sick to my stomach. i can't go home either-- not without you there. you're all i ever think about, and i miss you so much it hurts!" she finishes with a shout. rage bubbles up inside of you.

"then why'd you break up with me, jackass?!" you spit out. "you did that, remember? that wasn't me, that was you. none of this is my fault-- i don't even know why it happened! you left for work one morning as the love of my life and you came home that night and dumped me! i-- you-- you fucking broke my heart," your voice cracks, "and now you're acting like it's my fucking fault!"

sevika is silent. this is the last thing she ever wanted. she broke up with you to avoid this, to avoid the horrible heartbroken look on your face, to avoid the way your hands are shaking uncontrollably by your sides. it occurs to her now, with you sobbing uncontrollably in front of her, that maybe leaving you wasn't the best way to keep you safe and happy. maybe you needed her as much as she needed you.

she thinks about it for a second, how heartbroken she would've been if you'd dumped her out of the blue with no explanation. she thinks she'd probably have gone on a murderous rampage.

oh shit, she thinks as she watches you storm past her back into the bar, i've made a horrible mistake.

sevika spends the rest of the weekend working on 'operation: win you back.' it goes something like this:

on monday morning you get to work and find an envelope stuffed in your locker. you open it curiously, it isn't signed or addressed, and you wonder if it's an old paycheck your manager forgot to give you.

inside is a five page handwritten letter from sevika. upon seeing her handwriting, you scoff and crumble the letter up, throwing it back in your locker and slamming the door.

that night, though, as you're shoving your coat on to leave for work, you can't help but slip the ball of paper into your pocket. you tell yourself it's just to take it home to throw away, but you know it's a lie.

you read it in bed that night, sobbing. the letter is unfiltered and rambling, you chuckle a few times at lines you can practically hear sevika speaking out loud in your mind.

"i think i fucked up," is one of your favorite lines, second to "i'm never going to be able to stop loving you."

the letter details everything, the near death miss you'd never known about, the way she had a panic attack in the back of the last drop afterwards, her mind imagining your heartbroken wails as you get the news she's died. she writes about how miserable she was without you, how everything seemed to get dimmer, how food lost its taste, and drinking lost its fun. she writes about realizing how much she must have hurt you, how sorry she is for being so careless with your heart.

you fall asleep with the papers pressed against your chest.

on tuesday, you wake up to someone knocking at your door, a deliveryman with a bouquet you needed to sign for.

when you take the flowers inside you open the card in the front. it simply reads, 'have a good day. S.'

on wednesday, you bump into sevika as you leave work to start your walk home. she avoids your gaze as she asks to walk you home. you say yes, heart melting at the awkward way she's rubbing the back of her neck.

"how've you been?" she asks you. you chuckle and shrug.

"goin' through a rough patch with my girlfriend, so you know. things could be better." you say.

you don't miss the grin that grows on sevika's face when you refer to her your girlfriend. she doesn't mention it, and you don't either, but you do reach out to snatch her hand into yours.

she doesn't kiss you goodbye when you get home, but she does hug you for a solid three minutes, breathing in your scent, soaking in the way you feel against her body.

god, she'd missed you.

nothing happens on thursday. at least, that's what you think until you get home and see sevika waiting outside of your front door with takeout in her hands. you raise an eyebrow at her.

"i don't remember inviting you over." you say. she shrugs.

"you don't have to let me in. just wanted to make sure you were eating right." she says as she hands the bag of food to you.

you consider her for a moment, then roll your eyes.

"come on." you say, as you unlock your door. "i don't have any whiskey but i've got some beers in the fridge."

the two of you spend the night catching up on the couch. sevika tells you all the crazy work stories she hasn't been able to tell anyone for nearly two months, and you do the same.

after a few beers, you both start talking about what went down between the two of you. sevika apologizes profusely, going into great detail on how she's going to make it up to you, how she's going to rebuild the trust she broke. you roll your eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling at her words.

"what?" she asks. you scoff.

"you're gonna make me cry again." you huff. "don't you think you've done enough of that lately?" you ask wobbly as tears start to bubble up in your eyes. sevika takes a shaky breath beside you.

"don't cry." she demands. "'cause then i'll cry." you laugh, and lean forward to bury your face in her chest.

sevika freezes for a moment, before reaching up to curl her arms around you, holding you against her as both of you cry.

you make her sleep on the couch that night, because you're still feeling a bit butthurt.

but in the middle of the night, you wake up cold and alone and acutely aware of sevika snoring twenty feet away from you. fuck it you think as you get out of bed and shuffle into the living room, nudging sevika awake.

"wha-?" she blinks awake. "you okay, honey?" you melt at the nickname.

"come on." you say, turning to walk back to your bedroom.

sevika sits in confusion for a few moments until you call for her from bed. "come on, sev!" she sprints into your room, diving into bed and giggling as she curls up in your arms.

on friday, you wake up with sevika on top of you, snoring away, right where she belongs. you breathe in the smell of her shampoo, press a kiss to her scalp, whisper sweet nothings into the top of her hair.

she wakes up somewhere between your "i love you so fuckin' much." and your "you're such a fuckin' asshole for making me pay rent all on my own."

"jus' move back in with me." she grumbles, still half asleep. you laugh.

"signed a year long lease." you say.

"so break it." she groans as she picks her head up to look at you, shuffling off your tits to lay beside you on a pillow. you turn over to face her, your noses brushing together.

"and wreck my credit? what'll happen next month when you break up with me 'cause someone shoots at you?"

it's quiet for a second, and you sigh.

"sorry. that was fuckin' rude." you grunt out. sevika shakes her head.

"it's cool, i deserve that." she says.

"it's not cool. not after last night. and this whole week. i get it, sev. i get why you did it. it just..."

"really fucking sucked of me?" she guesses. you giggle.

"yeah." you say. she smiles.

"so let me move in with you." she says with a shrug. you gawk at her. she shrugs. "i'll break my lease. i just wanna... be with you. if you'll have me."

"your apartment's half a block from your job!" you say. she shrugs. "and the shower here sucks!" she shrugs again.

"yeah, but you're here." she says easily. tears start welling in your eyes.

"okay." you huff out. sevika beams. "but i reserve the right to actually fucking murder you if you break my heart like that again." you add on. sevika grins.

"of course, baby."

you were gonna make her wait a few more days to kiss her again, but you can't keep yourself from leaning forward to kiss her breathless right then and there.

sevika's crying when you pull away.

"what's wrong!?" you ask, panicked. she giggles and pulls you in for another quick kiss before she speaks.

"nothing. i'm just so fuckin' happy you're mine again."

the two of you spend the weekend moving sevika into your apartment.

the space starts feeling like home with each box of sevika's stuff you unload.

you sleep soundly for the first time in weeks on saturday night, after sevika'd spent hours eating you out.

on sunday, she takes you out for dinner and a walk in the park. unbeknownst to you, sevika's 'win you back' plan had one final bonus step titled 'if things go well.'

you're in the middle of rambling to sevika about the book you're in the middle of reading when she stops in her tracks. you pause and turn around to look at her.

"you okay?" you ask. it's just the two of you in the park this late at night. you and a few geese swimming in the fountain pond beside you.

"i--i was gonna wait til we had a house together." sevika says. you furrow your brow in confusion. "but these past two months made it crystal clear to me that if there's ever anyone in this world who'll get me-- it's you." she says. you frown, unsure of where she's going.

"baby what--"

"and i-- you know, i'm trying to tell you my feelings now. all of them." she says. you nod, encouraging her to talk but still completely unsure of where her train of thought is headed. "so... right now-- and honestly probably for years now-- i feel like i want to marry you. and know it's probably a bad time to do this because we just broke up, but... i feel like i don't wanna wait anymore to make you my wife." she rushes out. you blink at her and she shrugs. "you don't have to--"

she's cut off by your hysterical laughter as you double over in front of her. "you're proposing!?" you gasp out. she nods in confusion. you burst into another round of laughter. "sevika!" you laugh.

"what?"

"this is a horrible time to propose! and you're not even on one knee! and you don't have a ring! you're crazy!" you say between laughs. she frowns, looking down at herself like she's just now noticing these things too. she pouts. you take a moment to compose yourself, wiping away your tears of laughter and standing back up to your full height. "you're lucky i'm fuckin' crazy for you, too." you say, leaning up to kiss her pout away.

"is-- what-- does that mean...?"

"yes. i'll marry you." you say, nodding. sevika blinks, then grins, tackling you onto the grass beneath you and kissing you breathless.

"i love you so fucking much." she says against your lips.

"i love you too." you say, giggling up at her. "good job sharing your feelings."

"yeah?" she asks you, pride shining through her voice. you grin and nod.

"definitely."

"i'm sorry i didn't do it right--"

"i don't care." you cut in. "i mean-- you're definitely getting me a ring, and a nice one too!" you say pointing up at her where she hovers above you. she nods enthusiastically. "but-- it was perfect. i mean it was horribly unromantic and i think i'm laying in goose shit right now, but it was you, you know? i'll always say yes to you." you say, grinning. sevika melts above you.

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." she says. you smile. sevika leans down to kiss you, not even caring that the hand she's holding herself up with is squishing a pile of shit.

hell, she'd eat shit if it meant you kept giggling and kissing her like this.

so, overall, the breakup was shit. but it ended up being one of the best things that's happened to either of you.

taglist!

@lesbeaniegreenie @fyeahnix

#sevika #sevika imagine #sevika x reader #sevika arcane #sevika x you #soft sevika

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bleedingichorhearts · 2 months

Text

𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖎𝖆𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝕸𝖆𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖘

𝕬𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗: What happened to our guardians? I forgot it was Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day!

𝕿𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖉: @kit-williams

TW // Curse.

“Another one?” I deadpanned at my roommate. Her hands holding a little Death Guard that looked around confused.

“I don’t know where I keep finding them!” She said, not really sounding… thrilled. Her hazel eyes looking down at the little smelly thing in disgust. Nose scrunching up.

Well at least she has some humanity? To pick one up, and take it to a safer place.

“Anyways, i’ve got a club date to go to. Mind taking it?” She suddenly said, pushing the little Death Guard towards me as I hurriedly unfolded my arms from my chest to grab the little thing. His little form practically rolling onto my hand.

“Wha- since when? I thought you had work tonight?” I questioned her, helping the little Death Guard in my hands to stand up right. A little sound coming from him.

“Uhhhh, an hour ago! I did, but my boss let me off again!” She shouted from the hallway. Sounding like she was putting on some heels.

“Are you gonna—” The front door slammed shut. Shaking the whole apartment. “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself.” I mumbled. Looking down to observe over the little Death Guard.

The little guy looked fairly normal for a Death Guard. He had the basic dirt green, and concrete color of his armor. Two sets of bull-like horns on his helmet, an pair facing downward, and random curved spikes on his pauldrons. No extra mouth, horns, or spikes so far. No wounds either.

“You seem rather healthy.” I mostly talked to myself, getting another little sound from the stinky guy.

This ‘mini’ situation had me puzzled? I never would have thought I would see Astartes be so small. Usually, they were these huge, bulked masses of armor walking around wherever they pleased. Protecting you, rather than the other way around.

It even had the Apothecary astonished, when I have took the other three there. Saying they have never seen such phenomenon, before they immediately started running all sorts of tests on the little guys that admittedly had me a little worried for them.

Those tests lasted for about three days? I had the right to worry about it. What if they accidentally killed them with those big *ss needles in the back? What if they really weren’t an Apothecary?

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to be called back into the Apothecary to come and collect them. Becoming assigned to them as their “caretaker.” Their reasons being: One, they don’t know who their warband is, or if they even have a warband. And two, I was the first person they ever saw, and care for the miniature Astartes.

Now I was stuck with a World Eater, Thousands Son, Night Lord, and now? A Death Guard that Sharon somehow found out of nowhere.

Multiple tiny squeaks called out to me from the kitchen countertop. The rest of the group standing there looking up at the little Death Guard in my hands.

“Well, little Death Guard. You’re going to be stuck with me for the time being.” I informed him. Bringing my hand forward slowly to the rest of the group so he could greet the group.

Watching as the Death Guard gave me a warble before hopping off my hand. The rest of the tiny group surrounded the stinky guy, observing him. Distinguishing him.

They didn’t seem to be disapproving of the little Death Guard so far by they way the chirped at one another. There was no weapons drawn, and crouched positions. It was just like a regular greeting.

A far better meeting than between the Night Lord, and the World Eater. That I think, it stared off by the Night Lord teasing the World Eater, based on the Thousand sons gestures, and tiny chatter.

It didn’t help the little battle when the World Eater still had his “Butchers Nails” the Apothecary mentioned of him having. They couldn’t remove them because he was far too small for such a procedure to happen. So from time to time, the poor World Eater goes into a fit of rage. Tearing up anything in his way. Sometimes going after the other Astartes.

That’s where I step in most of the time. Slowly snatching him up from whatever surface I find him on. His tiny squirming form struggling in my hold, desperately stabbing, hitting my gloves that I was smart enough to put on.

When his raged energy had cooled down, I felt bad for holding the little guy in such a confiscating way and apologized to him. Putting him up to my collarbone as a resemblance of a hug.

Surprisingly, that spot was one of the groups favorite spot to just sit there, and hang on to. Probably liking the warmth, and “height” advantage it gives them.

“Need something?” I asked the group, seeing the gauntlet of the Thousand sons pointing up at me. Small chittering coming out of the group.

It took me a moment to understand what they wanted, but I eventually got it after a few more gestures.

“You? Want a bath?” I asked the Death Guard, raising a brow at him. Knowing Death Gaurds don’t like baths. I had to read a whole book about their quirks the Apothecary sent me with.

The Death Guard paused, then nodded. Hesitant on a such request.

“If that’s what you want.” I told him. Moving away from the counter to grab a small container. The group casually chatting away as I got the “bath” prepared.

Putting warm water with some soap. It mixed with one another, creating a bubbly container rather than just a basic container.

This was probably one of the first “baths” the Death Guard would have after a long while. Might as well make it count.

Placing the container of warm water, and bubbles next to the group. They all turned to look at it, and surround it. The Death Guard touching the container before quickly pulling away.

“You don’t have to take a bath. Instead, I’ll just throw him in it.” I mentioned to the Death Guard, pointing at the Night Lord who hissed in response, backing away slightly from the container of the soapy water.

The little Death Guard just peeped, and suddenly jumped into the container. A little plop rising from the container where he submerged himself in.

Carefully watching the container, the Death Guard emerged from the water. Bubbles sticking to him armor as another peep came from him. Chirps came from the rest of the group talking to him. Maybe encouraging him? Teaching him?

Well, either way, it was all going well. No one needed to go to the Apothecary tonight, or the morning.

Until the Night Lord pushed the World Eater into the container. Another plop rising from the water as the Night Lord armor rose up, and down in a laughing matter.

Once the World Eater rose from the water with even more bubbles on his armor than the Death guard. He was shouting threats to the Night Lord who stood above him looking very prideful of himself.

Who can resist such an opportunity?

On the act of vengeance, I snuck my hand behind him, and pushed the Night Lord into the container myself. A squeak coming from him as he plopped face first, right into the soapy water. Small chitters interrupting from the group with the Thousand Sons just shaking his head on the side lines.

ℕ𝕖𝕩𝕥 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣: 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖎𝖆𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝕸𝖆𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖘 II

#space marine husbandry sentience #warhammer 40k #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #space marine #death guard #night lord #thousand sons #world eater

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villainousshakespeare · 1 year

Text

In Praise of Tom Hiddleston and Female Directors

As a female director (albeit of Theater and not Film) I have been feeling a little frustrated once again as awards season brings no nominations for women. This led me (as many things do, lol) to thinking about my favorite Muse, Tom Hiddleston.

One of the things that I love about TH is willingness and enthusiasm to work with female directors, and on thinking about it I realized that this allyship has also benefited him as well. Case in point:

1. His first movie, Unrelated, was directed by Joanna Hogg. Now, of course all of us see Hiddles as the perfect Beautiful Boy but imagine if this movie had been directed by a man. In that case, Oakley, the handsome younger man who charms and tempts the 40 something woman, would almost certainly be cast with some young beef cake actor, or at very least had them bulk up in order to play the role. This is who male directors seem to think we desire. Instead, Hogg casts TH and boy does she sell him. Oakley is a little shit, but the way he is lit, framed, directed makes him all but irresistible. The female gaze sees all of his ethereal beauty and shares it with us.

2. Next we have my personal favorite, Henry V in The Hollow Crown. In his big leading episode, Tom is once again directed by a woman, Thea Sharrock. Again, look at how his is shot. The female gaze follows him riding in like a hero from our collective imagination in his opening shot. He is strong and dangerous, savage even at times, without ever loosing that thread of empathy that Henry struggles to clamp down. And do I even have to mention the proposal scene? Watch that and tell me it isn’t pure wish fulfillment for the majority of people who fancy men. I liked him when I watched Loki, but Hollow Crown made me fall so deep down the rabbit hole that I may never climb out again (and honestly, I’m okay with this).

3. Lastly, we come to the role that pushed him over the edge into superstardom, The Night Manager. Can there be any doubt that this miniseries was directed by a woman? The entire show was an advertisement for how gorgeous he is. Yes, there are some lovely shots of Elizabeth Debicki in various states of undress, but Pine is the major eye candy here. See him in finely tailored suits, see him astride a motorcycle, see him bathing, both in a waterfall and in a shower covered in mud, see his much lauded English countryside looking all round and pert... it just goes on and on. It is not just the visual that Susana Biers gets either. Unlike other spies of film and television, Jonathan is emotional, chivalrous, and above all intelligent. Tom nails the role and the world loved him for it.

I am not saying that male directors do not make Tom look good (hello Conrad’s arms) or play to his strengths (see the psychological beauty of Adam). I just believe there is something to be said for the qualities that female directors can bring out.

In short (ha, sorry, this ran on looooong, lol) Tom trusts women directors more than many of his fellow actors, and I think the results are that he shows a vulnerability in his work that helps make him more than just another action star. Women have helped make him the actor he is today, and I don’t believe the fact that his last two directors were women is an accident. He said in his interview for Leading Lady Parts that he needed to work with more directors (he had worked with five at that point I believe) and he has been as good as his word. Another reason to love this man.

* I also want to make a special shout out to stage director Josey Rourke, who has the career that I want and gave us this amazing contribution:

#Tom Hiddleston #actors #female directors #the hollow crown #the night manager #unrelated #coriolanus #in praise of twh #support women #allyship #meta #opinoins

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rocksinmuffin · 6 months

Note

Now I’ve gotta ask for Ace and Deuce being cockblocked by Grim (not to mention each other) and no one ever being able to make a move on MC.

I belive this ask is in response to this post I made and I could not resist.

~*~

Deuce stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, eyes narrowed and lips set in a thin line. Today’s the day, he tells himself. “Today’s the day I’m going to confess my feelings.”

“Are you really psyching yourself up to tell the prefect you like them?” Ace gives Deuce an unimpressed look. “Cringe.”

“It’s not cringe!!!” he shouts back, cheeks bright red. “And who said I was confessing to the prefect?”

Ace rolls his eyes. “Everyone knows you have a crush on them. It’s not subtle. Not that it matters. You don’t have a chance with them.”

“Whatever, jerk. How would you even know?”

Ace cocks his head to the side, lips curling into a wicked smirk. “Because they’re going to be too busy falling head over heels for me.”

Ace looks so confident it makes Deuce’s heart clench in fear. Is it possible you already like Ace? After all, Ace is charming. Grades aside, he does well in most things without even trying. What if he sweeps you off your feet just as effortlessly?

But then Deuce feels a sense of warm resolve splash over him like a wave. He’s not going to give up. Not on this. Not on you. Because just the chance of being with you is something worth fighting for, tooth and nail. If you don’t choose him, he’ll understand and he won’t hold it against you, but he’s not going to throw in the towel before the fight has even begun.

Deuce looks at Ace with fire burning in his eyes, fist clenched and held up in front of his chest. I won’t lose to you, he thinks, but he must say it out loud because Ace laughs, a smile stretched from ear to ear that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’ll take that bet. First one to score a date with the prefect, wins. Loser has to back off and admit defeat. Deal?”

Ace holds out his hand and Deuce takes it without any hesitation, grip firm as they shake on it.

~*~

Ace will be the first to say that he’s the last person anyone should make a bet with because he does not play fair.

Winning is the only thing that matters in the end. What good is sticking to your morals and playing by the rules if you end up losing? If you really want to win then that should mean you’d be willing to do anything to end up on top, even if it means getting your hands a little dirty. If you’re not willing to do that then maybe winning—and what comes with it—doesn’t mean as much to you as you think it did.

But you? Well, you mean the world to Ace.

Deuce has nothing to say to him when they leave the dorm and head for their first class. Just keeps that stupid determined look on his face as he marches forward. That’s fine with Ace. Because while Deuce is so focused on his own thing, Ace can think of ways to sabotage it.

It’s obvious he’s trying to hide it but Deuce isn’t exactly subtle about the little plastic food container he’s carrying under his arm. And Ace knows that Deuce has been going to Trey after classes for help studying. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

So Deuce is planning to confess to you with the help of some home-baked goodies he made. Gag. But, embarrassing as that is, having something physical to gift you means Deuce is less likely to back out than if it was just a verbal confession. And offering you a gift could make Ace look bad for going to you empty-handed.

Deuce might think he has the upper hand, but he probably wasn’t counting on Ace figuring out his plan. Now all Ace needs to do is figure out how to use this to his advantage.

~*~

The opportunity comes at lunch time.

“I’m so hungry I’m going to collapse,” Grim whines, face planting against the cafeteria table, muffling his words . “Minion, get me that tuna melt I like.”

“Uh-huh,” you grunt, unamused. “What are the magic words?”

“Bippity bobbity boo?”

You open your mouth to say something, stop, then shrug. “Anyone else buying lunch?”

Deuce shakes his head, lips set in a thin line and eyes sharp as he stares down at his plastic bin filled with goodies. He doesn’t say anything. It’s obvious he’s still trying to mentally psych himself up.

You raise an eyebrow but otherwise pay his oddness little mind before turning to Ace. “How about you?”

“Nah,” Ace waves you off, “Not hungry.”

You raise another incredulous eyebrow but don’t push the issue. “Fine, I’ll wait in line by myself then.”

“Try not to get your lunch money stolen on the way, nerd,” Ace teases.

You lift your middle finger in the air as you walk off.

“I don’t think I’m going to last” Grim whines words slightly muffled where his mouth is pressed flat to the table’s surface. “If I don’t get any food in me in the next ten seconds I’m gonna die.”

“Why don’t you just ask Deuce for some of the food he’s been hoarding to himself all this time,” Ace helpfully suggests, eyes wicked and smirk much too pleased with himself.

At the mention of food, Grim perks up in his seat. He turns to Deuce, fuzzy brows furrowed and eyes burning as he scowls. “Is that true? Have you been holding out on us?!”

“What?” Deuce blinks, drawn out of his thoughts for the first time all afternoon.

“What do you mean what?” Ace feigns an annoyed expression. “You just gonna pretend you don’t have enough cookies on you to feed our whole dorm?”

Deuce’s eyes widen. “How did you know I made cookies?”

“Cookies? Why didn’t you say so?!” Grim leaps on the table and swipes the plastic box, peeling off the lid before Deuce can even blink. “They look kinda wonky but they smell okay at least.”

“They don’t look wonky!” Deuce shouts, cheeks pink with either anger or embarrassment. His angry expression shifts to worry as he looks back at the container. “…do they?”

Grim pulls a short bread cookie out of the box that is likely supposed to be shaped like a heart, however, it’s lumpy and asymmetrical and the sprinkles look like they were applied by a kindergartener. It’s one of the most pathetic homemade creations that Ace has ever seen in his life and exactly the kind of pathetic display that would probably make you incredibly grateful and emotional because you are so endearingly stupid and sentimental.

Ace and Deuce watch silently as Grim throws the cookie up in the air then lean his head back to catch it in the gaping black hole that is his mouth. He chews thoughtfully, mouth mostly closed as he works the contents from one side of his mouth to the other before swallowing with an audible gulp.

“Huh,” Grim says, “Not bad. A solid five out of ten.”

And then he proceeds to upend the box over his head and let the contents pour into his mouth.

“Hey! I worked hard on those!”

Deuce lunges forward but Grim swiftly avoids the attack with a sidestep, not a single crumb missing his mouth as he continues his realistic impression of a living garbage disposal. Another lunge, another miss, and Grim chokes a little in the middle of a victorious laugh as some cookie crumbs go down the wrong pipe.

Frustrated, Deuce turns to Ace. “Are you gonna help me or what?”

“And risk losing a finger?” Ace asks with a raised brow. “No thanks.”

Not that Ace would have been able to help even if he had been inclined to (which he wasn’t). With a satisfied burp, Grim drops the now-empty plastic container and lets it fall to the table with an audible clunk. Crumbs and sprinkles cling to the wet fur around his mouth.

The devastated look Deuce gives to the empty container almost makes Ace feel bad for actively sabotaging his love confession. Not bad enough that he would have done anything differently, mind you, but enough that he’ll try not to rub it later.

“I can’t believe you ate them all.” Deuce huffs and Ace can’t tell if Deuce looks like he’s about to cry or punch a hole in the wall. “They were meant to be for… for…”

“For who?” You interrupt, lunch tray in hand wafting with the pungent scent of tuna melt.

“For everyone,” Ace jumps in. “Deuce brought cookies for all of us but Grim gobbled them all up before I could even try one. Isn’t that right, Deuce?”

“Uh, yeah,” he agrees, taking the out Ace has given him. The only thing worse than having a confession sabotaged would be admitting to it.

“You didn’t even save one for me? Grim, you poop-butt!” You stick your tongue out at Grim as you set the tray in front of him and he blows a raspberry back at you before immediately picking up the sandwich and chowing down.

“Well, if you’re in the mood for something sweet, I heard the Mostro Lounge has a new dessert on the menu.” Ace flashes a flirty grin that he’s been practicing in the mirror since he hit puberty. “I could take you. My treat.”

“Uh-huh,” you reply, looking incredulous, “And how do you plan on paying for it.”

“I’ve been saving up,” he answers, color rising to his cheeks when the words catch up with his brain. He hopes he didn’t sound too eager but it’s too late to take it back now.

You raise another incredulous eyebrow, lip set in a thin line as you think over his offer. Technically, it’s not even a date, but Ace still feels sweat dripping down the back of his neck and his in his palms as if he just asked if he could be your boyfriend.

Before you can give an answer, Grim groans, cheeks looking a little green beneath his fur.

“Minion,” he whines miserably, tugging at your sleeve. “I don’t feel so good.”

“That’s what you get for scarfing down your sandwich after gorging yourself on all that sugar, you brat.” You sigh as you take him into your arms, tucking your shoulder under his chin and holding him carefully against your chest. You turn back to Ace. “Sorry, but I better get Grim to the nurse’s office. You‘ll have to go without me.”

Ace curses under his breath. He didn’t think his plan to sabotage Deuce would come back to bite him. Grim eats rocks off the ground; what are the chances that he would get sick from overeating now of all times?

That’s when Ace and Deuce both catch Grim’s eye as you turn your back to go to the nurse and Grim’s sick expression morphs to a fanged smirk as he snuggles up against you.

Their jaws drop, speechless, and you and Grim are gone.

Ace and Deuce turn to one another, understanding a temporary truce established as they realize they are not the only rivals for your attention.

#ask #anon #sinning #twisted wonderland #grim #tw grim #deuce spade #ace trapola #reader insert #otome hell #long post

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saltminerising · 2 months

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Hey folks. I'm a Plague flight member and I want to first congratulate Water on an absolutely killer dom battle this week. This is exactly the kind of nail biter action I remember from before my hiatus. I'd like to give a special shout out to everyone who sent dragons my way through the Public Buy these past few days. I hadn't received in over half a decade and y'all were patient with me. We could not have put on THIS good of a showing under dom fatigue circumstances without y'all. I had a blast.

That being said, I'm also one of the people who got caught up in the discord leaks. This is the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm incredibly disappointed to see member(s) of the Plague discord spending more time splicing out a prolonged, hectic conversation, and taking out a ton of context, of at minimum a dozen active people at a time. I'm not sure what crummy idea took hold of you that night and convinced you that making it impossible to see how many people were active, as well as failing to even cover up all the usernames would be of use to you. I had just logged on for the evening - and you decided to not just splice out my memes, but also me talking with the last person featured in that imgur album and explaining that we still had to deal with the situation at hand regardless of our feelings about it.

You have violated both my trust and the trust of others in that server. If you haven't taken up this minor "hobby" of yours with your therapist yet, this is your notice to do so. Whatever it is you think you're gaining socially by pulling this kind of stunt is going to come back to bite you hard in the rear - if not here, then elsewhere.

I've already left the Plague associated discords and I'll be leaving the other offsite groups I'm on later today. Y'all will still see me around on the forums.

The FR community has always had the makings to be great. Don't ruin the experience for the rest of us.

#fr discord #long post #flight club

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averagewriter-inthedark · 1 year

Text

How they react to you getting hurt 🥲 | IB headcanon

Link to my IB masterlist

Requested 📨 yes/no

Content warnings: injury, blood, war, profanity, light angst.

Being part of the Basterds & getting injured would look like:

Getting injured was not something you planned, but in war it is bound to happen eventually. It could happen when y’all were ambushed, on recon, or something simple as moving place to place.

Whether it be a small graze, a split lip, or a possible fatal wound the Basterds are losing their mind. It would be utter chaos in the tent with Wicki having to kick them all out, besides Alsdo, so he could work with a clear mind. If it was a small injury that could be fixed with some bandages and alcohol then he’d be like “you lot are so dramatic. Just calm down they’re going to be fine.” But if it was serious then the last thing the man needed was panic around him, “if you all can’t shut the fuck up then get out! I need to concentrate before they bleed out!” Wicki cared deeply for you and felt responsible. He’d be dammed if you died on his watch.

Aldo would remain calm but internally was on high alert. You were one if the best Basterds and quite literally the glue that kept them together. In a shitshow of a world you still managed to smile, brining a level of hope and optimism to the squad. Seeing you in pain pulled at his heartstrings. Best believe he would stop at nothing to avenge you if worst comes to worst.

Donny would be in the same boat as Aldo, but would be more visibly anxious and pacing back and forth until he got an update. Like Aldo he’d set the world on fire to avenge you if you died. Donny is the bastard who’d try to make you laugh when you’re recovering which would only make the pain worse. “Oh sorry, I forgot you’re hurting there.”

Hugo is scary. Bottom line he is not talking, he is barely moving. It would not be until he knew you’d be okay that he would visibly relax. If the person who hurt you was still breathing Hugo would be silently plotting. The bastard would be the type to sneak out of camp and track the person himself. God forbid you died because you were the one thing keeping him grounded (platonically) so if he lost you….well pray for those who come in his way.

The younger basterds are losing their minds. Scared shirtless the only thing their minds go to is the worst. Smitty is holding back tears, Omar is biting his nails. They’d be camping outside the tent to hear what was going on and would fall on their asses when Aldo or Wicki were to suddenly come out. “Are they gonna be okay!?” They shout simultaneously, anxious at the sight of blood on Wicki. When the older man lit a cigarette and mumbled, “They’re gonna be fine. They just need to rest,” they all dropped to the floor in relief.

It would pain the basterds to have to send you home if the injury you sustained put you out of the line of duty. This wold be if you lost a limb or were in need of more medical attention than they could offer, such as losing your sight or part of your hearing. Aldo would be the one to escort you to allied territory to hand you over, the ride solemn and silent. “I’m sorry, boss,” you softly said., “I’m sorry I let you down.” “Kid, you’re alive. That’s all that matters and don’t you fuckin’ forget it. I’d rather be takin’ ya back breathin’ than in a casket.”

If your injury was not fatal and a quick fix, expect a small lecture from Aldo. He wouldn’t be upset with you per say, but just angry that it happened. Again, you are someone he cares about. All the Basterds do. So when shit like that happens it scares them and never did they wanna deal with having to bury someone they cared about. He would, however, scold you if the reason you got hurt was because you did something stupid or went against his orders. “L/n, I will warn you this one time. You pull that shit again and I’ll have your ass on the next truck back to base. Understood?”

At the end of the day the boys are just happy you’re okay. It was a close call but thankfully you survived and Wicki was the one with the brains to help you recover. They may have shit their pants and nearly went into cardiac arrest, but the basterds wouldn’t be losing their sunshine anytime soon.

#inglorious basterds #inglourious basterds headcanons #inglorious basterds imagine #inglorious basterds x reader #aldo raine x reader #aldo raine headcanon #donny donowitz imagine #donny donowitz x reader #donny donowitz #Donny donowitz headcanon #wilhelm wicki headcanon #wilhelm wicki imagine #wilhelm wicki #wilhelm wicki x reader #hugo stiglitz imagine #hugo stiglitz #Hugo Stiglitz headcanon #smithson utivich

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carlyhughes043 · 9 months

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baby came home Q.H Pt.1

summary: Quinn and Reader met each other through readers ex boyfriend in which reader cheats on with Quinn who has no problem showing her whose the better option what happens when reader gets a deal of a lifetime and decides to take it

she told me her man was afraid, she told me I better behave

y/n was a very popular girl who ran with a crowed of hockey players some her best friends other her boyfriends best friends and teammates. y/n was only 18 when she met her now boyfriend he was friends with her older brother who didn't mind the pair knowing in his heart that he would never break her heart it was the complete opposite he knew his sister was going to break his he wasn't what she wanted. she wanted someone to pick her up in their big strong arms and tell her everything was alright that they would never let her go through anything alone.His best friend just wasn't that his best friend was not a strong male he would never be able to keep up with Y/n he didn't have what it took he knew that Quinn wasn't the first Man she cheated on him with but he was the first one who made her fall in love and keep coming back over and over again she craved him in a different way and she wasn't ashamed he was scared he was gonna lose her and he did she was no longer his no longer his girlfriend no longer the person who "loved" him and that infuriated him so he decided he was gonna win her back get her away from Quinn and the only way he could do that is if she got the deal of a lifetime so he made a fake email messaging her that one of her teachers sent in some of her papers and they found them to be exactly what they were looking for the only issue she'd face is the location it was over a thousand miles away from Quinn and she'd never let anyone get in-between her and her career point blank.

` told me she was leaving this town, said she needs time to explore

when y/n got the email she was over the moon she couldn't wait to tell Quinn then she thought again how would she tell Quinn they were going to be miles and hours away she didn't want to leave him but this was a deal of a lifetime. she messaged Quinn letting him know she wants to take him out for dinner she was so nervous that he would be so upset with her for taking this placement he was one of her biggest fans he loved everything she wrote he even got a secret tattoo of a sentence from a poem she wrote him in her handwriting so she knew he'd be so proud of the fact she got the placement the thing he'd be upset about is the distance between him

when she walks into the restaurant where she faces him and receives a big hug taking in the moment of his strong arms wrapped around her she pulls away and they lean in to a kiss they depart and the hostess leads them to their booth where she leaves them with a bottle of red wine and bread. "How was your day Gorgeous?" Quinn says with admiration looking her in her glossy eyes "It was actually decent I received some really great news I got asked to be in a writing position for St Clairs paper". she said playing with her now chipped nails "that's amazing love. wait you said st Claire paper that's halfway across the country". he said with concern "I know and I'm so down to do facetimes and long calls and ill come vis-". "no you don't understand I need you I'm in love with you and can't handle being away from you". he said interrupting " I understand and I love you too but this is a huge deal for me its a once in a lifetime deal and I'm really trying to not just leave and us be apart and not together anymore but if you can't understand then we don't need to be together." "so your saying we should breakup". he half shouted "no I don't wanna breakup but your telling me that we won't last and I understand but I'm attempting to try and your not". she say shouting back with tears in her eyes. he gets up and drops some money on the table and walks off to go home leaving a broken y/n sobbing in a booth in a little dive bar she drys her eyes and goes back to her apartment checking for a message from him seeing if he'll talk to her she messaged him asking if he got home okay and it doesn't deliver she sobs messaging his roommate begging to talk sense into him. his roommate messages her back and tells her he won't even talk to him let alone leave his room.

A/N : hey guys here's part 1 its super late and I have school in the morning ill try to have part 2 up on wed :)

#quinn hughes #quinn hughes x reader #vancouver canucks #quinn hughes smut

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gamergirlbonestaskforce141riot · 4 months

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We are all humanbeings and we all make mistakes. I want a little story about a time, when Riot crossed a line. Maybe she hurt someone with her actions, maybe it was some words. It doesn't have to be a big drama, a major failure - can be something small. I want that story to have a scene, where Riot apologizes to someone, she hurt.

Important detail - this person must be able to answer to her. You decide if they accept apology or not, but they must talk back.

Gibraltar, 2019

Thud

The gym was empty that early in the morning, with nobody around to listen to the methodic, repetitive sounds of someone beating the shit out of one of the punching bags.

Thud

Her knuckles hurt by then, still cracked from four days before, but she didn't stop.

Thud

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Thud

"Vega?"

Riot hit the bag, hard, and kept her fist there when she heard the voice coming from behind her. She said nothing, because there was nothing to say.

"I just had to give my statement... You're not going to believe the amount of women there waiting to say how that asshole tried the same with them"

Just a month and a half ago, the lovely voice of Corporal Nellie Butler brought a smile to her lips, but now the only thing it brought was the taste of ashes.

Nellie stopped just short of some steps, staring at Sergeant Vega's back, seeing the muscles beneath the black tank top move while she breathed.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

Just a month ago, those doe eyes would have made her smile, but in that moment the last thing Christine Vega wanted was to look at her.

"There's nothing to say"

It was irrational. Unkind. It wasn't Nellie's fault nor anyone's but that sodding idiot of Coulton. And hers, for having such a short fuse.

She fucked up her own career. But the irrational rage inside her filled her head with other thoughts and her throat with bile.

Thud

"When do you have to go in?" Nellie moved slightly, trying to have a better look at who had been her... what? Girlfriend? Lover? They had merely 'dated' for three weeks until she fucked it up.

Thud

"Noon" Christine grunted, looking away, brushing back some sweaty strands of hair from her forehead.

"I didn't tell them about... us" Nellie assured, thinking that was what had Riot so angry, but the other woman huffed.

"Wouldn't change a thing. I did beat that wanker"

"But if I had told them we were together until a week ago, it could have been the nail in your coffin!"

Thud

Riot shook her head and stepped back from the punching bag, looking for her gym bag.

"I put the nails myself" She found her water bottle and opened it to take a brief sip. "I hit someone with a higher graduation, and did a good job of it. My doing. You were just unlucky to be the victim"

"But you did it for me!" Nellie shouted, with the passion that would have made Riot smile only three weeks ago.

And there it was. The ugly truth that Riot didn't want to face, that didn't want her to know.

That it had been because of her, and not for her.

That deep inside, the thought that Nellie was the ultimate culprit of Riot's wrongdoing had rooted deep in her core, and it was eating her.

That deep inside, she blamed Nellie, not for being a victim, but for putting her in the position of destroying what she had fought for.

"We could leave! Both of us, and move somewhere pretty. We don't need their rules" Nellie kept babbling

We?

"No" Riot rolled her eyes, with a low, dismissive huff that made Nellie shut up. They had flirted for a couple of weeks before having a brief relationship. That lasted a whole three weeks before Nellie started talking about meeting families, sharing holidays and spending lives together.

Riot's interest all but dried out overnight, and called it quits when she found the younger woman had tried to check her phone and asked, jealous and making a scene, who Johnny was.

"I didn't do it for you. I didn't even know it was you when I heard you scream in the showers" She explained, curtly, still not looking at her. "I would have done the same for any other person. You're not special"

Right as she said it she knew she had crossed a line, and the gasp behind her confirmed it. But it was done.

The last thing she needed was having an infatuated fool thinking she had destroyed her career for her.

"I'm sorry, kitten"

"Don't call me that" Nellie's teary voice sounded further, but Riot didn't turn to look. "You're an asshole. I thought..."

"What, that I knowingly fucked my career up because of you?" Riot looked over her shoulder briefly, her blue-gray eyes cold as steel. "You have no fucking idea of what this shit is going to cost me. I have sweat blood to be what I am"

"You were defending me!" Nellie insisted, her lovely chestnut hair as well kept as always, and Riot thought absently how she used to like it.

Now she felt nothing but dread.

"And would you hate them too!?" The younger Corporal cried, and Riot resisted the urge to roll her eyes again, recognizing it wouldn't be wise.

"You happened to be there" She repeated, a bit softer. "I am sorry it's not what you want to hear. But had it been anyone else being abused in that room, I would have done exactly the same"

"I don't hate you. I'm angry with myself"

The gym was empty that early in the morning, with the only sound being the angry sniffles coming from Corporal Nellie Butler.

Sighing, Riot turned around to face her, with her gym bag hanging from her shoulder.

"I am sorry, Nellie. I've been unkind and you didn't deserve that"

"But you meant every word" The younger woman spat angrily, looking up at her, with her arms crossed.

But I meant every word

"I'm sorry" Riot repeated, awkwardly, just wishing for it to end already. "I was too harsh"

"Harsh? You only care about two things it seems. Your precious career and that Johnny you text all the time" Nellie waved her arms around angrily, and Riot's mouth curved downwards.

God, how she hated theatrics.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, kitten. It wasn't what I wanted"

"I don't want to see you ever again!" Nellie screamed, turning in her heels and hurrying to the door. "I don't want to talk to you ever again!"

Feeling is mutual

Sergeant Christine Vega, callsign Riot, sighed deeply, listening until Nellie's steps died in the distance. Then, she headed to her room, to get ready for her hearing and learn of her fate.

#cod oc #call of duty #cod mw2 #call of duty modern warfare #cod original character #call of duty original character #cod fanfic #call of duty modern warfare 2 #call of duty fanfic #cod fanfiction #christine riot vega #oc: christine 'riot' vega #cod fic #call of duty fanfiction #call of duty fic #call of duty oc

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mariaofdoranelle · 1 year

Text

Look at Us Now — Ch. 3

Fic Masterlist

Sorry I ghosted last week! This chapter is (unintentionally) twice the usual size, though, so I’m forgiving myself. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster, just remember that it’ll get worse before it gets better.

Warnings: NSFW, cursing, mentions of bullying, anxiety attack, bitter exes.

Word count: 5,9k

Aelin’s whole body startled before she gained consciousness of what was going on.

She didn’t know what woke her up, her classmate’s hurried taps or Rowan’s intense eyes on her.

The last thing she remembered was one sergeant telling their next instructor couldn’t make it, so they’d have an hour free. Aelin had woken up at 3 am to study Military Law today, so she thought it’d be a good idea to set a timer for 50 minutes and take a nap.

Rowan‘s class was scheduled for later, what the fuck was he doing here this soon?

His gaze lingered on her for a beat that felt like a month. Maybe like the month and a half since that night. Then it landed on the guy in front of Aelin.

"What happened with your beard?" Was the first thing he said. His voice alarmed the whole class, it sounded like a threat one is barely trying to hide.

Aelin couldn't see the recruit’s expression, but she had a good view of the way his shoulders tensed. He looked around. "I- um-"

"Don't look around, look at me!" Rowan shouted, making many eyes go wide. "What the fuck happened to your beard!?"

"The- the razor was a little dull, so I-"

But Rowan wasn't listening. Probably because he didn't care.

No, he was slowly, threatengly walking around to examine each person in the room and pointing out the ones with something wrong about their uniform. Anything, really. He must have a hawk eyesight to notice some of the mistakes he pointed out.

He looked angry, she thought. Aelin didn’t know which state was the class when he walked in, since everyone was already frozen in place when she woke up.

When the people he selected were out of their perfectly aligned rows, Rowan crossed his arms and roared, "ON THE FLOOR, NOW!"

A few jumped to a plank position, ready to start. Others just stared, gawking.

Rowan rested his hands on his hips and stood face to face with one person who didn't move.

"Did I fucking stutter? ON. THE. FLOOR. NOW!"

Everyone followed suit this time, so he started to count.

"One, two, three, four..."

He stopped counting when he noticed someone in the wrong position. He was not in a straight line, so his butt was sticking out. Aelin held on a grimace while Rowan was going his way.

"Do you call that a push-up?"

On the man's side, Rowan's boot pressed against his low back to correct his position.

"How do you expect to be in the Air Force if you can't to a fucking push-up!?" He barked at no one in particular. "The body stays in one line." He poked at someone's arm with his boot, only enough to bring attention. "And watch those elbows! You're not a frog!"

He was still looking around, searching for any flaw in those push-ups. "Pathetic," he spat. "Spineless and pathetic." Rowan rested his foot on another person's back and announced, "I'm starting again! Until y'all stop training like teenagers! One, two, three..."

Aelin could only blink, trying to process this.

Then she forced herself to snap out of that shock. Her great-uncle was a brigadier, for Mala's sake. She knew better than to be surprised. Besides, what did she expect? A little love letter from hot lieutenant saying that he also couldn't forget their night together? Absolutely not.

If Aelin was there to learn the basics of military life until she could work at the hospital, so be it. She was going to kick basic training's ass.

"But we can't keep all the fun to ourselves, right?" Rowan snarled. He looked around the ones with the correct uniform, that kept only watching chaos unfold. "Everyone else on the floor!” He restarted counting, ”One, two, three..."

She was so ready for this. She'd absolutely nail this.

Except that it didn't take long for her to grow annoyed at Rowan's voice counting and barking orders non-stop.

And after Mala knows how long, Aelin came to one conclusion.

She was so fucked.

That was the only thing in her mind as she trained. Even when she felt like her lungs would give out or her legs would soon turn to ashes, Rowan’s scolding was still flawlessly echoing through her ears.

When he wrapped things up, her shoulders almost dropped in relief. They would, if Rowan wouldn’t give her a hard time about posture. This class was longer than usual because he was using the missing instructor’s time along with his own. Also because she started feeling like dying around the fourth minute of so, so many.

“Who’s today’s class leader?” He asked before dismissing everyone.

Aelin’s spine went rigid. Every day, a different recruit was picked to be the class leader. They said it was to learn about leadership and how to cooperate together. In practice, it basically meant she’d lead the class while marching.

Everyone looked at Aelin, and she raised an arm. “It’s me, sir.”

Rowan sighed, as if he couldn’t believe he had to deal with her more than he was obligated to.

“You have 15 minutes to show up at my office.”

Which meant she had 15 minutes to get her things, take a shower, get in another uniform and find his office.

She did it in 13 minutes, though.

Rowan’s office was simple and neat, but at least the chairs were comfortable. After she knocked and he told her to come in, silence took over. They sat one in front on the other, the only sound in the room being Aelin testing the squeak of the chair by repeatedly leaning against it. Annoyingly, by the stiff expression Rowan wore.

“I think you already know what I’m going to say to you.”

She shrugged. “You’ll tell me to pretend it never happened?”

“Excuse me?” His tone was sharper than she predicted. Was he that eager to fuck her again?

Aelin leaned back and suppressed a smile when the chair squeaked again. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind a round two, but I understand that things just got complicated.”

Oh, she definitely wouldn’t mind hitting that again. Besides, she’d work at the hospital in ten weeks. It’s not like they’d need to see each other every day after.

He sighed. “I’m talking about what just happened, Aelin. You were today’s class leader.”

Aelin frowned. “Which means I’m in charge of the drill commands while marching—“

“It means you have to lead them throughout the day. When there’s no instructor, you don’t just take a nap and let everyone run wild!”

When she crossed her arms and glared, trying to think of a retort, Rowan looked up for a second and took a deep breath.

“I know you must struggle being one of the few women in your class, but—“

“Struggle?” She cut in, eyebrows raised. ”Why would I struggle?”

“It’s a common issue among female officers—“

“That’s not an issue, sir.“ Aelin leaned closed and lowered her tone of voice. “I’m more alpha than most of these men, you probably know that already.”

“Then act like it.“ He didn’t look impressed.

Aelin got up and slowly rounded his desk, until she was standing on Rowan’s side. “You’d really like that, wouldn’t you?”

He looked at her up and down, swallowed, then looked away a second too late. “That’s inappropriate behavior, Galathynius.“

Positioned between him and his desk, she tilted her head. “And what? You’re gonna punish me?”

“I’m not afraid to,” he immediately answered, but his tone had an edge to it.

Aelin’s eyes sparkled. She had no idea if he was answering to her innuendo or talking about her relations to his superiors, but she was horny enough to jump to conclusions. She knew he was hesitant, though.

Anything happening between them wouldn’t be exactly against the rules, even though it would be frowned upon.

But having sex inside a military base? They’d be fucked if anyone found out.

Aelin was beyond caring by now, and she had a suspicion Rowan was holding tight to whatever shreds of conscience he had.

She held both hands on the desk behind her, thrusting her chest out. Rowan’s gaze was shameless as it burned through her, his eyes darkening every inch. He looked at her as if he remembered everything she had under that uniform, and just the thought of it made her press her legs together.

“You know, I thought it’d be easier to get you to fuck me after you got your cock that deep into my throat.”

When Rowan finally looked into her eyes, she knew she’d won. He placed a hand on her knee and caressed the inner part with his thumb, but it was enough to send a spark through her body.

“Can I touch you?” He quietly asked. However, the intense look on his green eyes betrayed the strained politeness on his tone of voice.

How gentlemanly of him. Didn’t even sound like the man who climbed her uncle’s fence to fuck her until dawn.

“Oh, you definitely can’t.” Aelin had a triumphant grin on. “But I want you to.”

Rowan’s eyes combusted into hers, and her smile grew. In that millisecond, Aelin knew she had just ripped off his conscience with her teeth.

He got up from that chair in a swift motion, standing just one breath away from her.

“Let’s see how much you want me,” he taunted before taking her pants and panties down all at once, so roughly one button flew away.

Without wasting a second, he inserted two fingers between her folds and plunged in, making her choke a sob. Rowan’s thumb started working on her clit to soothe her from that sudden move, but he scooted closer and whispered, “You were already soaked when I started, baby. I could put a third finger and you wouldn’t even feel it.”

Aelin whimpered. He made her taste herself in his fingers, then kissed her when she licked his index and middle finger the way she’d to another member of his. Rowan cradled her head in a commanding, bruising kiss. He kissed like he could unravel her whole with his lips. He kissed her like he thought he’d never see her again. Aelin pressed her hips against his, moaning, and he moved his mouth to the shell of her ear.

“Were you thinking about me?”

Aelin nodded.

“Use your words, baby. Were you thinking about me?”

She looked deep into his eyes, smirking like the devil. “Yes, sir.”

Rowan’s gaze burned into her while he brought his hand to her neck, squeezing just enough to make her ache for him even more. “Is that why you came to my office begging for my cock like the little slut you are?”

“Yes, sir,” she whimpered.

Before she could think, he turned her around and pressed her against his desk, laying on her stomach with her ass up. The sound of his zipper was the only warning she got before Rowan pushed himself inside her all the way, stretching her whole in one swift motion.

Aelin cried out, cursing. It was the most delicious kind of pain.

He gave her a few seconds to adjust and muffled her cries with his hand, probably afraid someone would hear from the outside.

She bit his hand to speak when he started on a languid pace, but Rowan spanked her ass before she could open her mouth. The pain from that smack spread under her skin, making her wiggle her hips against him even more.

“Don’t bite me,” he warned.

“But you loved it last time.”

He gave one ruthless thrust as a warning, and that sweet ache made her sob. God, she loved Rowan’s punishments.

“Condom,” she rasped, finally remembering what she was going to say.

He grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked her head back until he was close to her ear. “I don’t bring condoms to work, baby. You think I fuck every slut that comes into my office?”

Rowan started thrusting in a merciless rhythm, making Aelin’s legs shake.

Aelin did a mental note to see on her period app if she needed to take a Plan B pill. These things were hormone bombs, but she wasn’t on birth control. She had mostly stopped sleeping around after uni, and Dorian has a vasectomy. These days, the only reason Aelin even used condoms was to prevent STDs.

When Rowan hit a spot that made her see stars, Aelin relaxed on the desk and let herself be fucked senseless by him, relishing on the sound of their hips snapping together and his low grunts.

Of all the times people had reckless sex, how many actually led to a baby?

Exactly.

And knowing Aelin’s luck, she knew things would turn out her way. They always did.

***

The shade of Rowan’s hair never let Aelin know which strands were in its natural shade, and which ones were grayer because of Maisie. Or work. Maybe Aelin herself.

The dark circles under his eyes weren’t that static, though. Over time, she had seen them go from almost invisible to a purplish shade that didn’t sit well with his tan skin. Aelin always thought it was a shame seeing a face like his looking so worn out. But today? Today it looked like exhaustion itself had beaten him up from the outside in, not the other way around.

Aelin knew she should keep their interactions to a minimum, but she couldn’t help herself.

“You look like shit, Rowan.”

”Gee, thanks.”

Aelin wriggled in her seat, knowing she should keep her mouth shut. It did nothing to stop her.

“Elide was grouchy today. She said you’re ruining her sex life.”

He laughed, but there was a bitter edge to it. “How so?”

Aelin fully turned to him from the passenger side. “Were you really watching a recorded livestream about ADHD until late with Lorcan last night?”

He opened his mouth to retort, then closed again. A moment later, he said, “In my defense, now I’m convinced she doesn’t have it. And Lorcan thought it was enlightening.”

“Ellie’s a psychiatrist, Rowan. If any of the kids were showing signs of it, she would tell—“

“Is she willing to give me an hour-long lesson about it? Because the Instagram doctor—“

“Rowan, are you listening to yourself?”

“What?” He snapped.

“Do you know what I do every time you send me an article about diabetes in children?”

“You read it?”

“No. I give her ice cream.”

He gripped the steering wheel tighter. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not. I fill her pink unicorn bowl with chocolate ice cream, and I enjoy it.”

He clenched his jaw. “You know damn well my dad’s diabetic—“

“You’ll drive yourself fucking insane if you keep this way, Rowan,” she barked. “This is my weekend with Maisie. Do you at least have plans to take fucking a nap?”

Rowan stopped at a red light and narrowed his eyes at her. “I have walls to fix.”

Aelin sighed. “You can’t let her draw on every wall you own.”

“She’s expressing herself through art.”

“You did not just say that.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! You’re just an engineer who traumatizes young people for a living, of course that line came out of your mouth.”

Rowan rolled his eyes. “Okay, I heard it from a pediatrician. Happy now?”

When she saw the school’s front, Aelin knew she had to wrap this up quick.

“And not Maisie’s pediatrician, because—“

“Because it was from one of the pediatricians I follow online! What is your point?”

“My point—“ Aelin stopped herself when her voice got too loud. She took a deep breath and started again, in a calmer tone. “My point is that you can’t know everything about every specialty child-related just in case your one kid needs it. You can’t be Maisie’s dad 24/7.”

“But I am Maisie’s dad 24/7.”

“When was the last time you talked to Lorcan about something that wasn’t kid-related?” She tried a different approach. When Rowan opened his mouth, she added, “Doesn’t count if it happened while you were watching the kids.”

He shut his mouth and didn’t answer.

She knew it.

When was the last time you went on a date?, was on the tip of her tongue, just to finish proving her point, but Aelin didn’t dare say it out loud.

Her guess would be at least last year, from one time she caught Fenrys trying to play cupid, but it probably wasn’t serious. Their rule was that they’d have to meet the other person before Maisie, but it hasn’t happened yet. For neither of them.

Rowan parked his car, quiet as a mouse. Deep down, he knew he was overexerting himself. And it wasn’t Aelin’s job to worry about him, but she had learned the hard way how important it was to take care of herself so she could take good care of Maisie. Their daughter was the only reason she was concerned. It’s not like Aelin would care about her ex-fling from five years ago. Absolutely not.

Aelin frowned when Maisie came their way with a different change of clothes. It was the second time since starting preschool, and she never peed herself at home. She remembered her daughter always complained about going to school, and wondered if she should start sending Maisie with pull-ups until she finished adapting to that new environment.

After Maisie greeted them both, Rowan crouched and asked, “What happened to Fleetfoot, Mais?”

Aelin’s eyebrows shot up. Fleetfoot was a golden plastic dog Maisie made Rowan buy at a 99 cents store, but she loved it more than many of the expensive toys her family showered her with. She took that miniature puppy everywhere.

Maisie raised her hand and looked at Fleetfoot. Half of its plastic tail was missing, and just the sight of it made her lips wobble and brought moisture to her big green eyes. Rowan immediately hugged her and started soothing his daughter, but Aelin looked around, searching for the teacher’s assistant that always stood outside.

Something was off, and Aelin would find out no matter what.

The TA looked frightened all the time and followed the teacher like a puppy, so it wasn’t hard to get information out of her.

And when Aelin did, she saw red.

She stormed through that school until she found the teacher, Lieutenant Maeve Valg, in a corridor close to the entrance.

“Inside,” Aelin growled and pointed to the empty classroom near them.

The only response was a raise of her eyebrows, somewhere between surprise and scorn, and entering to sit behind the teacher’s desk.

Aelin followed her and banged the door closed. She rested both hands on the table and leaned to get closer and look deep into Mrs. Valg’s eyes, her own slightly bulged. She could feel her blood pumping through her veins like her heart was on steroids, and if looks could kill, that fucking teacher would be on her grave already.

“Tell me why my daughter’s toy is broken.”

She leaned back in the chair, and Aelin felt like that woman’s dark eyes were reading into her soul. “Looks like you already know.”

“I want to hear it from your mouth.” Aelin’s nostrils flared.

The teacher tilted her head, assessing. “I see where Maisie gets that terrible behavior from.”

They were interrupted by the door abruptly being opened and slammed closed. Rowan stood there with crossed arms and eyes darting between the two of them. His glare was so sharp it could cut ice.

Lieutenant Valg sighed in what looked like relief. “Mr. Whitethorn, could you please make—“

“It’s Captain Whitethorn to you,” he commanded in a taut tone.

Aelin didn’t know if the TA told him what happened as well or if he just read too much into the room’s energy, but Rowan seemed pissed. He never used his high rank on people like this.

She glued her eyes back on the teacher and slapped the desk, then immediately pointed at Rowan. “Tell him why Maisie wet herself,” Aelin shouted.

Mrs. Valg held her chin high, but didn’t say a thing.

“I’m waiting, Lieutenant,” he said in a carefully controlled tone and walked closer to them.

His patience seemed to end when his request was met with silence.

“Do I need to remind you again that I outrank you, Lieutenant?” Rowan shouted, making Maeve’s eyes go wide. “If you don’t tell me what happened now, I’m putting you under restriction at the guardhouse, do you understand?”

Mrs. Valg paled, but she was still grinding her teeth together, shooting daggers at Rowan with her eyes. The guardhouse was basically jail, but for petty crimes inside the military. It was the biggest punishment someone could get before being kicked out.

“Your daughter is a little nightmare!” She spit out. “Every other kid was ready for nap time, and she wouldn’t stop playing with that stupid dog! I warned her one, two, three times, then I grabbed that ugly thing and threw across the room.” Mrs. Valg got up, her eyes jumping between Aelin and Rowan. “And then Maisie peed, but you think I enjoy sending my TA to clean the kids every time? It’s not my fault your daughter has a bad bladder,” she spat.

Aelin’s eyes grew with each sentence. When the teacher ended, the only thing she could hear was the muderous thoughts in her head and the pounding in her ears. She felt like her body was slowly being taken over by rage and the hammering flow of her pulse.

“Aelin, could you give me five minutes with Mrs. Valg and come back with Maisie, please?”

“Why—“

Rowan’s gaze was so intense it rendered Aelin speechless. His pine green eyes were being ruled by raw, cold fury, and it looked terrifying framed by all the blood that made his face look crimson. “We’re going to have a little chat, and then she’s going to apologize,” he slowly explained in a deadly tone. There was no arguing with the way he said it, and as much as Aelin wanted to scream and fight and pour all her anger into the teacher, Rowan was the one who could actually do something about what happened. He was a captain, after all.

Maisie was on the playground near the entrance, with a few other kids. Aelin quickly checked on her and if her daughter knew about the shitshow currently going on, she didn’t show.

Aelin never understood why Rowan didn’t want Maisie to be in the free preschool the Air Force provided for them, five minutes away from home.

She understood now.

Aelin’s throat closed when she remembered his words from one of the arguments they had about this. “I teach these Lieutenants myself, Aelin. I don’t trust Maisie around them.”

Her chest started feeling a little too tight, and she took a deep breath to recompose herself.

This was absolutely her fault.

There was no use in crying at the school playground, though.

On the way back to the classroom, Aelin was ready to go back if she heard screaming—there was no way she’d let Maisie see that—but the only sign that something had happened was the quiet whispers outside the classroom, and two people not so casually peering through the window.

If something exploded in there, Rowan kept his promise of doing it for five minutes only.

He looked absolutely unhinged, though. And the teacher looked white as a sheet, the armpits of her uniform sweaty.

Noticing the weird energy of the room, Maisie stiffened. “What’s going on?”

When Rowan heard his daughter’s voice, his whole demeanor changed. He didn’t relax, but still crouched on the floor and ran his fingers through one of her pigtails. “We were talking to Mrs. Valg about what happened today. She’s going to apologize for being disrespectful and hurting Fleetfoot.”

Maisie didn’t say a thing.

Neither did Mrs. Valg

“Seven days,” Rowan prompted.

Maeve’s jaw clenched.

“Fifteen days.”

She drew in a sharp breath.

“Twenty days.”

She swallowed.

Of, fuck. Was this how many days she was spending locked up in the guardhouse?

“Thirty—“

“I apologize.” Maeve spit out, eyes focused on Maisie.

The little girl took one step to the side and looked at her dad, but wouldn’t meet his eye. “It’s not Mrs. Valg’s fault,” the little girl quietly explained, ”I was being a bad kid.”

Aelin didn’t even register Maeve’s lips curling up, she dropped on her knees to talk to Maisie. Immediately. She didn’t know how to explain to a four-year-old that in this case she was expected to mess up, but not the teacher, but she would try until—

“Aelin?”

“What?” Aelin’s head snapped towards Rowan. He was sitting on the chair, clutching his chest. Oh, fuck.

“I might be having a heart attack.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

His eyes bulged, aimed at Aelin’s. “Do I need to call my ambulance myself?”

Aelin’s heart plummeted. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She called the hospital’s front desk as she got the car keys from Rowan’s pocket.

“Hi, this is Dr. Galathynius. I’m coming with a patient. I need a heart team by the side entrance in five minutes.”

˜˜

Dr. Cortland stared at Rowan’s exams with furrowed brows. “I don’t see anything.”

“Try harder.”

Aelin gave Rowan her mom look. She said with her eyes, Could you try to be polite?

He answered her look with another of his own. No. Can we see another doctor?

Aelin sighed and waited while Sam finished looking at Rowan‘s exams. He was still grouchy because of the situation at Maisie’s school, that was the only explanation. There was no way he could’ve known about the brief relationship she had with Sam a year ago.

“Nope,” Dr. Cortland concluded. “Your heart is looking so good you could even join the military.”

Rowan didn’t laugh.

“Maybe there’s something going on at work or at home?” Sam’s gaze slid to Aelin, a bitter smile on his lips. “How’s Maisie?”

Rowan gripped the arms of his chair. He growled, “Do you know her?”

“Can’t say I do, no.”

Aelin’s nostrils flared. Their relationship started going downhill when he asked to meet Maisie. Her daughter was very easygoing, but as a rule, she’d need to introduce him to Rowan first. Nope. Sam wanted too much too fast, and he never truly understood how hard it is to date as a single mom.

Rowan leaned back on his seat, but Aelin couldn’t say he was relaxed.

Dr. Cortland hummed. “Do you think there’s a chance this could be related to anxiety?”

“Absolutely not.”

Aelin tried not to cringe. Knowing Rowan, she wouldn’t discard anxiety that easily. But what does she know? Aelin fixed bones, anxiety was Elide’s specialty.

She politely dismissed herself, wanting to give Rowan privacy to discuss this with Sam. Actually, she didn’t even know what she was doing in that office. She brought him to the hospital and went with the flow, not even thinking that maybe she should have stayed back. The only doctors she needed to see with him were the ones who had Maisie as a patient, but Aelin didn’t think about that in the heat of the moment.

When she finally reached the conference room, Maisie was drawing with the intern Elide borrowed her for babysitting duty. The poor thing.

Her daughter looked up with big, expectant eyes when Aelin approached. “How’s Daddy’s heartbeep?”

“It’s good. Your dad’s fine.” A pause. “And it’s heartbeat,” she corrected.

Maisie frowned. “That’s what I said.”

The stubborn little thing. For the first time in a while, Aelin felt like smiling. Until she remembered the conversation wasn’t over.

“Do you know that feeling when you get scared and your heart beats really fast?”

Maisie solemnly nodded. “Like when Uncle Aedion lets me go on the big slide at the pool.”

“He does what?”

Maisie’s eyes widened. “Let’s talk about Daddy.”

Aelin sighed. She had no idea how to explain an anxiety attack to a kid.

“The doctor said he’s good, Mais. He was probably just feeling scared.”

Her daughter chewed on her lip and nodded, understanding. “Daddy never does scary things. It must be confusing for him.”

Aelin let out a soft, watery chuckle and kissed Maisie’s forehead. “That’s right, baby.”

“Not a baby!” Her daughter complained.

After Rowan was done and Aelin thanked Elide’s intern for babysitting, they had one of the quietest car rides she’d ever witnessed.

Aelin still drove to her house, but when Rowan got off his car just to go back in and drive away, Maisie watched the path he went with a longing gaze.

“I want to go with Daddy.”

Aelin crouched by her daughter’s side. “You’ve already spent last weekend with him, Mais.”

“But what if he gets sick again?” She mused with furrowed brows.

Scratching her forehead, Aelin sighed.

Rowan would be alone at home, no Maisie to keep him up. He’d think. He’d worry. He’d create worst-case scenarios for every consequence of this day.

“You want to spend the night at your dad’s and come back tomorrow morning?”

Maisie nodded, her eyes eager.

“Then go pick some toys to take there, okay?”

She rushed to her room without question, leaving Aelin a small window to pack two bags. One for Maisie, another for herself. She wouldn’t keep Maisie here worrying about her dad, but what if something really happened to Rowan while he was alone with Maisie? Fuck, no.

Aelin’s pack was a lot simpler than Maisie’s. Something to sleep on, her toothbrush. She could survive one night without her skincare routine. Her gaze landed on a little box on a tall shelf.

She grabbed a tissue and enveloped two pills in it. One sleeping pill and the antidepressant tablet she needed to take with breakfast. It wasn’t a big deal, and her depressive episodes only got easier to deal with time. She just didn’t want Rowan—or a judge—finding out about it. She had seen parents losing custody for a lot less.

Not that she thought Rowan would take her to court anytime soon. In fact, he was adamant that they didn’t need lawyers when they first decided to co-parent Maisie.

But Aelin had very little room for mistakes when it came to her daughter. Besides, Rowan did criticize her parenting on a daily basis.

For now, everything was under control. He doesn’t care about her, and it doesn’t affect Maisie. There was no need for him to know about her antidepressants.

Aelin still waited a little longer to go. Maisie liked taking her time picking her toys.

Just like her dad, the intrusive thought came as quickly as it went away.

She grabbed Maisie’s hand and they went by foot. Rowan lived so close it wasn’t even worth it to get a bike, he was always one small block away.

Aelin tried to open his door, but it was locked. She frowned.

They lived in a military housing complex, right next to the Air Force base. Who the hell locked doors here? This was the safest it could get.

Rowan appeared a second later, and the confused look she saw him wearing through the window was almost comical.

“What’s going on?”

Aelin shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. “Just making sure Mais doesn’t become half-orphan.”

He shifted on his feet. “You don’t have to.” Something charged passed behind Rowan’s eyes. Aelin looked away.

“I know.” She swallowed and entered the house a second later, without invitation. It wasn’t her job to read into Rowan’s feelings, so she wouldn’t.

The first thing Aelin did was go into Fenrys’ old room and put the bedsheets she brought from home. He moved out years ago, so it meant only half of the STDs this bed used to have were still lingering. It’d have to do.

She found them in the kitchen, Rowan gathering supplies while Maisie painted her coloring book at the other end of the table.

Aelin grabbed the first knife she saw and pointed at him. Rowan didn’t look surprised.

“Sit.”

He leaned against the counter, arms crossed. “I would, but I’m not mentally ready to dine a microwave meal.”

Aelin narrowed her eyes. She knew about all the drowsiness and fatigue that came after an anxiety attack. Rowan should be resting, not playing chef.

“I can use a pan,” she spit out, then looked at his pans. For fuck’s sake, why did he have so many? Aelin picked one she didn’t know the exact purpose, but would do. “This one, for example, is perfect for making pasta. I’m making pasta tonight.”

When Rowan opened his mouth, Maisie beat him to it.

“Mommy.”

Both of them turned to her.

“I think we should let Daddy make dinner,” she politely insisted in a matter-of-fact tone.

Aelin’s jaw went slack.

Did she just say Rowan makes better dinner? In her face?

By the triumphant grin he wore, Maisie did.

”You can cut the vegetables,” he offered.

Aelin squinted her eyes and sat on the table, begrudgingly accepting the role of sous-chef.

Silence took over, and she couldn’t stop thinking about what happened today. That bully teacher. Rowan going to the hospital. She swallowed a lump in her throat. It was her fault.

Aelin was stubborn, but she’d be damned if she’d let her little girl go near that teacher ever again.

“Maisie?”

Her daughter hummed.

“There’s this other school your Aunt Sellene told your dad about. I was thinking we should take a look there on Monday. We could go to Skull’s Bay when we’re done.”

The pirate-themed restaurant she loved to go to. She looked at Rowan to see if he looked mad that she decided this without telling him, but his eyes looked soft. There was even a tiny tilt in the corner of his lip.

That wasn’t Maisie’s reaction, though.

“I don’t need school.”

Just like that, Rowan’s soft moment ended.

“And why’s that?” He demanded, arms crossed.

Their daughter dropped her colored pencil and fully turned to her dad. “Because I’m a smartie about everything.” A pause. “Duh!”

Rowan clamped his lips together, trying to keep a straight face, and Aelin’s reaction was pretty much the same. If they laughed, Maisie would think she won this argument.

Aelin took a deep breath, trying to compose herself, and thought of a good argument to beat this one.

“You’re right, kiddo. You’re too smart for your own good.” Aelin heavily sighed, letting her daughter think she had the upper hand. “I guess I‘ll have to call Aunt Sellene and tell you won’t be joining Bree at school.”

Breanna, Sellene’s daughter. She and Maisie were thick as thieves.

“Wait.”

Aelin and Rowan exchanged a look. They were so close.

Maisie continued, “You didn’t tell I’d play with Bree.”

Rowan continued to prepare dinner, pretending this wasn’t a big deal. “You’d play with Bree every day. I’d make sure you two stay in the same class.”

The little girl fidgeted with her pencil, brows furrowed. Aelin would pay good money to know what was going on inside her head, but it wasn’t too difficult to tell.

“I’ll think about it,” was the only thing she said before going back to her drawing.

The stubbornness was one of the few traits Maisie inherited that couldn’t be blamed on one parent. She had gotten it from both of them.

“I’ll think about it”? In Maisie language, that was very close to becoming a Yes.

Not that the kid had much of a choice here, but it was best to let her think she did.

Rowan seemed think the same thing as her. His surprised look turned triumphant when their gazes met, and when his slightly parted lips reshaped themselves into a smile, Aelin grinned back.

This day had been hell, so she’d enjoy this small win.

A/N: I highly recommend reading the bonus chapter 3.5 before reading chapter 4

A/N 2: I promise I won’t hurt baby Maisie ever again! I did it for the plot!!

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