#since i'm living with my parents and I don't have to panic about money while I give myself one last push to get a job in animation

[stardustfoundations]

.

[hibiscuslovecandles]

✧˖°DIGITAL GIRL✧˖°|BSD X DDLC

Genre:Fluff,crack,AU,GN!Reader,Angst?

Warnings: Suicide,Murder,Yandere,Might be ooc this was one of the first fics i wrote, not proofread, Let me know if there's any warning I missed!

Note:I don't usually write like at all so just letting you know to not expect more of this from my account I'm just trying to get this out my notes app man give me a break it's been there too long

🐅The childhood best friend

🐅Atsushi was the cute boy who lived in the orphanage a few blocks down that you’d occasionally see through the orphanage gates .

🐅You'd usually see him when your parents would send you to the convenient store for sweets or when you were walking to a friend's house.

🐅He always looked….So tired,Like he was just dragging himself around,You didn't understand why.

🐅Your parents were walking with you one time and saw him in the courtyard of the orphanage and immediately tensed at the sight of him and started speed walking out of discomfort due to his….worrying appearance.

🐅Your first ever interaction with Atsushi was when your parents gave you money for candy and when you were on your home you stopped infront of the gate when you saw Atsushi.

🐅You got closer to the gate an called out to him: “Psssst” while waving him over to you,He limped his over to you and once he was close enough you put your arm through the gate bars and dropped a piece of candy in his hands.

🐅And that's how the friendship between you and Atsushi started!Whenever you'd see him you'd call him over and just chat with him and depending if your parents gave you enough money or not you'd get him his own candy instead of a piece of yours.

🐅As a kid you never really understood why the candy meant so much to him,Didn't the orphanage give him treats?What's so special about what you're doing?

🐅He’d always panic a little when you'd give him his own candy and immediately shove it into his mouth and let out a hushed “Thank you”

🐅You were eight. You didn't understand why he stopped showing up to the gate when you told him to ask the orphanage director if he could come out to play with you.Did he get adopted?Was he was actually grounded forever?Did he get mad at you?

🐅You never found out why.Two months into not seeing your friend Atsushi your parents broke the news that you'd be moving a good 13 hours away.Your dad had lost his job and your mom's job didn't make enough to support all of you so your parents were going to move in with your grandparents.

🐅You cried for hours when you found out you were gonna be leaving home and leaving all your friends behind.Your teacher and classmates held a goodbye party for you,Your neighborhood friends said bye,Atsushi didn't say goodbye. You waited outside the gate the day before the move to tell him but he never showed up.

🐅You moved in with your grandparents and were upset with moving for like two weeks but just like kids do you quickly got over it and moved on when you became interested in something else.Occasionally looking back at 9 years ago and all your memories of Atsushi you realize how…malnourished he looked…no wonder he was grateful for the candy you'd give him…

🐅18 years old and your parents break the news that their moving back to your childhood neighborhood…WHAT!?IT WAS OKAY TO MOVE WHEN YOU WERE EIGHT SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG AND DIDN'T HAVE THAT SOLID OF RELATIONSHIPS BUT NOW?YOUR LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL?FUCKING BULLSHIT.

🐅Moving back was a struggle,You were away from your actual friends and you had to resettle down,You weren't really social and just wanted to get through this school year so you can move back and be with your actual friends.

🐅Until you saw a very familiar boy on the train to school…It was Atsushi the skinny orphan.

🐅When you both got off the train you both thought you'd walk in different directions and never see eachother again.WRONG!You both go to the same school so you both walked in the same direction.There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of you the entire walk to school.Luckily the two of you had different homerooms and wouldn't need to see eachother….until school ended.

🐅You walked out of school and was texting your mom on your phone letting her know how school went when a hand grabs your bag to stop you.

🐅It was Atsushi!He wanted to catch up after school at the park,Out of intrigue(And also because you just moved therefore have nothing else better to do) you agreed.

🐅Whem the two of you met up at the park you caught up on eachothers lives,You found out why he never showed up at the gate again…..No food,No lights,No water,No interaction,for weeks until he understood he was forbidden to see you again….You were disturbed by this. You told him how before you moved you waited outside to tell him and he began profusely apologizing for not showing up and you had to explain to him how its not his fault.

🐅The two of you went to a store near the park together and got yourselves a sweet treat.

🐅After this it became routine for the two of you to go to the park after school to just hang out and at the end of your hangout to get something sugary to eat. It was nice to eat with him and talk with him not through a gate.

🐅There were times where Atsushi would spend the night at your house,Usually after he had a panic attack,so he could calm down since your presence soothes him.He’ll just lay in your bed with you crying until he slowly mellows out and falls asleep with you.Your parents have gotten used to his presence at the house though they do feel guilty for having misjudged him when he was younger.He really is a nice boy!

🐅It was one of those nights and you woke up on time ready for school instead of waking him up you decided to just let him sleep in your bed so you could do your morning routine.He was still asleep by the time you were finished…..Oh well!And off to school you headed off!

🐅You were about ten blocks in before you heard the sound of shoes slapping against pavement behind you and immediately knew who it was.Atsushi trying to catch up to you with one shoe untied,only his left arm in his uniform jacket,and a orange in his right hand that was on your kitchen counter. You stopped walking to watch him pull himself together as he babbled about some literature club he wanted you to join.

🐅He was trying to convince you to join,despite your reluctance due to your lack of interest in writing, all the way to the train station until he mentioned there would be cupcakes and tea!Hell yeah you're coming!

🐅He waited for you outside your classroom so you both could walk to club together!On your way to club you found out he's the vice president of the club no wonder he wanted you to join -.- 🐅He introduced you to the other club members: The….eccentric Dazai,The calm Chuuya,and the charismatic club president Fyodor

🐅Writing poems with them is interesting enough.Atsushi really likes writing poems about food it seems haha!

🐅….Tf you mean the school festival is coming up soon and we gotta get ready for that🧍🏽‍♂️

🐅Sorry Atsushi that I can't go home with you and hang out with at park and eat!I have to make sure Dazai doesn't kill himself after school!Maybe next time….You say for fourth time this week

🐅After taking care of some business for the school festival you're finally on your way home!It's pretty damn dark out,The street lights are on and everything,You check your phone and see it's 8:30…You aren't gonna get any homework done.

🐅You turn around when you feel a hand on your shoulder, it's Atsushi,He ends up walking you home.

🐅On your way home the two of you discussed you helping the others for the festival,During this entire conversation his eyes were…glassy like he wanted to cry,then suddenly he started apologizing profusely while crying into the crook of your neck with his hands gripping the sleeves of your uniform where he confessed that it hurts him how selfish his love for you is…

🐅You both went your separate ways.

🐅“Good morning-……Atsushi?”

🦀The boy in homeroom

🦀First day of senior year in a new school yay…Atleast he kept you entertained enough.

🦀When you walked into your homeroom class for the first time your main objective was: SURVIVE. Sure you saw a few people from your elementary school you could talk to but its been a good 10 years so they probably forgot your existence, created way stronger friendships, and created solid dynamics with eachother so what was the point on socializing with them?That's the reason why you didn't interact with Atsushi on the way to school.The goal is to graduate and immediately move back to your grandparents where your real friends are so its best to just sit all the way in the back of the class and hope you're still able to read from the board.

🦀Unfortunately you ended up sitting behind a complete weirdo. The moment you sat down behind his head immediately turned to look at you,Lept from his seat,On one knee askung you out.

🦀And based on your classmates reactions of: Looking at you and the weirdo wrapped in bandages for 3 seconds then going back to what they were doing and completely not acknowledging what he just did you can assume this is a regular occurrence.

🦀This’ll be fun.

🦀When the first period teacher walked in he immediately asked Dazai to stop his behavior towards you and just rubbed his face with his hands with a mumble of how he hates his job. Thats how you found out the boy's name was Dazai.

🦀The teacher got the class seated and had you introduce yourself properly and gave you a heads up that he has expectations for you that you will meet when you take his class.

🦀It was kinda hard to pay attention to what he was saying when this Dazai kid is literally snoring loudly in the middle of class and noone seems to care.

🦀When class actually began he immediately woke up then kept leaning back in his seat,his head was completely in the way,It's too late to move seats now so I guess you're just not gonna get any work done on the first day.

🦀Everytime he'd lean back he'd either be completely disinterested in you or he'd be pestering you to speak to him!The mixed messages he was giving you were crazy.

🦀At some point he leaned so far back in his seat that he hit the back of his head on your desk and flopped over on the ground causing the entire class to look at you to,Some laughing,Some just staring,the teacher rushed over and scolded Dazai for his antics.

🦀Which led to you,by the teachers orders,having to drag Dazai to the nurses office with his arm slug over your shoulder and your arm resting on his shoulder to make sure his head didn't bust open all over the floor.

🦀You seriously doubted if he was actually hurt since he kept mumbling to you about philosophy or something,You don't know probably some weird kid school threat stuff,hell he even made full eye contact with you during the walk to the infirmary you expecting him to say “Don't come to school tomorrow” but instead “You're an alright person.Keep being a okay person..”….Not sure what that means but you dropped him off with the nurse because you had no time for this edgy bullshit.

🦀After that you quickly got used to Dazai's off-putting antics just like the rest of the class and the teachers.Turns out him asking to go out with you wasn't anything special apparently he's asked every girl in your homeroom that question atleast once.Damn can't even have a y/n moment.

🦀You learned more about the freak sitting infront of you during class when he'd chat at you instead of doing his work. You know he likes crab and alcohol and that he's most definitely suicidal but you immediately knew that one when he saw him wrapped up like a mummy…..and anything else about him is a mystery.

🦀You did try pressing him for more on his life but he'd just smile at you and try and have you guess.Goodluck asking other classmates cause they tried the same thing….Meh that strange guy probably kills dogs on his free time so it'd probably the best if you just go with the flow and don't try to dig too much into him.

🦀Hell you've even started playing along with his antics more amused at this point than concerned like you were at first.Are you still worries for him?Yes but it'll save you tears if you pick to go along with his weird shit instead of question it.

🦀You even sit next to him during lunch,Less out of will and more out of “I don't wanna look like some unsocial loser” so why not sit next to the weird kid.Atleast he knows how to keep a conversation interesting.

🦀Everyday he'll ask you if you brought your notes in and when you give him your notes he'll tell you got things wrong. So you do pay attention or not?He's totally not taking it as an excuse to talk to you or anything.

🦀When Dazai is actually paying attention to what's happening in class you like to throw stuff like paper and erases at the back of his head to annoy him.The dreadful looking boy would always throw them back at you or start leaning back in his seat again to block your vision of the board.Hes your homeroom pal who you annoy in homeroom and homeroom only. You don't really go out of your way to hangout outside of homeroom. Homeroom is enough Dazai for you.

🦀But life decided you needed more Dazai in your life. BY INTRODUCING YOU TO SOMETHING CALLED A LITERATURE CLUB.

🦀When Atsushi introduced you to everyone in the club you avoided eye contact with that weirdo and pretended to not know him,Dazai seemed more amused than anything and ran with it…not really he VERY dramatically greeted you and said he totally hasn't met you before.

🦀He brought tea for everyone!You didn't realize he could do something without messing it up :0

🦀Though the ginger haired,Chuuya,didn't seem too pleased with the tea.He kept glaring at Dazai. Best not think too much into it.

🦀Dazai didn't seem to mind Chuuya glaring at him.He even poked fun at guy who most definitely wanted him in the ground!

🦀God hes weird.

🦀Aaaaand the two are arguing over poetry.What kinda nerd yells about poetry.

🦀They had you compare their poetry to eachother. Chuuya's poem is very cynical and depressing and full of metaphors there's a sense of loss that his poem emits. Dazai's poem comes off as very casual,like talking to a friend you haven't see in awhile about how life has been treating the two of you,but when you read inbetween the lines there's something off about the poem like the poem itself has something to hide. Comparing two edgelords. Great. Luckily it was quickly resolved.

🦀When it came to reading your poems in front of eachother you frankly felt illiterate compared to the rest of them. Atsushi would always reassure you that your writing was amazing,which you appreciated compared to Dazai who would rest his elbow on top of your head and talk about the parts you needed to work on,Thank you Atsushi Fuck you D(ickhead)azi.

🦀Back in homeroom and you've recently been making some small friendships with your classmates,From this you learned more about Dazai,turns out noone is really friends with the guy they'd more describe themselves as “Good acquaintances” with Dazai,They'll talk to Dazai during lunch and have a fun conversation with him but other than that they don't really know anything about him. Some described him as a man whore, Some saw him as a weirdo, and others thought he's just some guy. All three seem like a accurate character profile to you.

🦀You brought tea to the club meeting and everyone liked the tea you prepared!Dazai just began fawning over you and proposed that the two of you go down together like Romeo and Juliet…It's just tea bro calm down its not that serious but hey it's cute or whatever so you roll with his dramatic ass and feed into it.

🦀He casually stands behind you while you're busy trying to write a poem he’ll have one arm resting on the table so that the back of your head is practically against his chest as he critiques the words you use.

🦀….A school festival is happening and we need to prepare?Damn you Atsushi🤠

🦀Well I might as well work with Atsushi-Hm?Annnd Dazai is whining WAIT PUT THAT DOWN DAZAI!

🦀Sorry Atsushi that I can't go home with you and hang out with at park and eat!I have to make sure Dazai doesn't kill himself after school!Maybe next time….You say for fourth time this week

🦀During those days you'd spend with Dazai it was actually kinda fun!Did you get much work done?Eehh but you both to eat crab on the pier with your feet ankle deep in the ocean as you two sit there and watch the sunset while laughing about shit that won't matter later. You don't know anything about him but you're content.

🦀You actually got him on task so that the two of you could actually focus on the actual objective. Banner making.

🦀Making a banner for the literature with Dazai in his crumby apartment was an experience. The two of you set the blank banner paper on the living room floor and he just went wild flinging paint everywhere!You,worried,asked him if his parents would get mad at the mess…There was a moment of silence between the two of you before he replied that his parents are always at work so they won't mind in a nonchalant tone. You felt like you shouldn't push further.

🦀Dazai insisted on making something attention gaining but you had to explain that eye catching and people giving your banner stares for being a bit too creative aren't exactly the same

🦀So the two of you had to make a eye catching but not eye buring banner and you two somehow managed to do it?

🦀A light yellow background with yellow polka dots and the words written in cute pastel colors.

🦀It wasn't the vision Dazai had in mind but believe it or not throwing paint on a banner and writing literature club in sharpie isn't exactly cute.

🦀The two of you had to clean up after painting Dazai walked into his kitchen that was eerily empty to wash his hands in the sink. The soap helped the water to remove the paint off his hands,It also helped to get the paint off your hands when you wrapped your arms around his waist to reach the sink to clean your gunky hands,Dazai stiffens for a second only for a second before you could even notice. He smiled at the way your body presses against his back.

🦀After finishing the banner for the school festival you're finally on your way home!It's pretty damn dark out,The street lights are on and everything,You check your phone and see it's 8:30…You aren't gonna get any homework done.

🦀G̶̨̩̗͎̅̿̆̄̒͗̈̿̽̆͂o̴̬̪͈̯̳̥̩̹͊͗̕o̸͙̝͍̤͚̝̗͚͂̒͝d̷̨͚͓̫̱̲̙̹̩̜̤̄ ̶̛̹͚͖̱͚̯͈̂̏̐̊́̔͌͐̓̊̒̋͛̚m̸͚̞͎̥̳̑̉̑̈́̈́̓̔͝ǫ̶̖̤̹͙͕̥̩̰̮͎͇̹͎̺̓͂̀̌̈́̑̄̇͛̽͆̍͂̚͠r̸̩̫̗̘̽͐̈́̾͛͐͊͊̓̿̍̓͛̑n̸̺̲͔̰̯̖̓i̸͎̭̔̆̅̋n̴̟̲̪̞̫̭̬͍̥̲̼̯̔̔͗̓̔g̶̠͔̝͙̦̩̮̓͑͌͆́͂̐͊̈́̈́͌̚͝͝-̷̹͇̯̲͚̱͎̞̊̀…̸̢̱͙̤̲̫̗͙̮̯̰̔̾…̷̢͚͔̼͍͎̜̙̖̮̣̪̠̿Ą̴͉̪̯̺̯̘̜͛̚ͅt̵̬̘͇̖̠͍̏́͐͛̊̒̅̈́̑͗͘͜͠͝͠s̷̡̢̺̫̤̲̥̻̙͙̀̏̏̍̓̈́̔̉͛̐̚͘͠ͅͅu̵̢͔͉̱̗̳̙̺͕͉͚̮͛͗̋̆̍s̶̡͉̜̰̦̠̳̳͒̿̐̒̅͑̂͊͒̓͋͘ͅͅh̷̢͓̺͇͖͍̜̐̈͛̈́̓̀͗͑̀̏̂̽́́͜i̷̡̧̬̼͓͈͙̰̖̣͑͌̋̉̓̓̎̀̕͜͜?̵̢̼̮̩͖̥̂͌̄̀͂̓͗̃̂̈́̀̈”̵̢̼͔̗͎̺͙̭͙͕̞̓̈̅̃͆͐̏̉͗̅̕͜

🦀Your train ride to school went as expected,pretty boring,you don't have anyone to walk to school with since you aren't exactly someone with alot of friends you just kinda read manga and stay at home. You just hope nobody tries to get too friendly with you at 8am.

🦀You spilled your way into homeroom,make your way to the back of the class,and sat behind some brunette kid wrapped bandages.

🦀He didn't acknowledge you while you were walking to the desk behind him but now that you are situated in the seat behind him he looks over at you eyes wide,You raise a brow at him before he quickly whips his head back around,Freaky.

🦀You learn from some of the girls in your homeroom who watched it go down that his name is Dazai and that it was strange that he just stared at you and didn't immediately ask you out….Wait what-

🦀This becomes casual for you eventually. It's still weird that this kid you don't care about stares at you randomly but after awhile he actually began conversing with you. He was a….interesting guy to say the least. The first thing he said when he actually began speaking to you was to go out with him…Great now you owe Yosano 20$ for her guessing right. Noone seems to know anything about the guy and noone seems to want to find out…You're one of those people. Don't really wanna know what someone as suicidal as Dazai's upbringing was like.

🦀Despite him being a pretty chill person he would just get randomly deep and edgy,It made you a bit put off by him and you kinda avoided him but Dazai being Dazai just proceeded to suffocate you with his presence more and more

🦀During lunch he always moves to the seat to your left and moves it so it's right up against yours and sit there. Watching you eat,stealing parts of your lunch,laugh and whine when you scold him for stealing your shit,showing you his book about how to commit suicide and suggest suicide methods for the two of you.

🦀Hes fucking crazy.

🦀Whenever the teacher has an assignment that REQUIRES you to work with someone Dazai's eyes sparkle as he whips his head towards you. You immediately turn to the person on your left or practically BEG the teacher to let you work by yourself not wanting to work with this guy and spend anymore time with him than needed.

🦀You start being completely alone in your homeroom. Everyone seems to avoid you or ignore you all of them except Dazai but you don't exactly want him to pay attention to you.

🦀You still talk to him but it's more out of desperation than genuinely wanting to socialize with this crazy ass since nobody else seems to want to interact with you. Fakeass bitches.

🦀It's like luck is on Dazai's side and never yours because during gym class and you have to pick teams you always end up on Dazai's team. It didn't matter what was happening in gym class Dazai was always a few steps away from you. Baseball?He's sitting next to you on the bench. A free day?He's already waiting at your spot on the bleachers.

🦀You talked to gym teacher Sakunosuke about this but he couldn't really do anything about your classmates putting you two on the same teams but whenever he's setting up teams he puts you and Dazai on other teams,whenever Dazai is following you he'll send him to do something else,so Sakunosuke does help whenever he can.

🦀Whenever your taking notes in class and trying to get your education can you guess who's sitting in reverse in his seat and playing with your hair instead? Osamu Dazai that's who!

🦀You’ve texted your friends about his behavior and they also think he's got a few screws loose in the head and best believe you told you're parents and they think he's peculiar.

🦀Thank God you only see him during homeroom.

🦀During school clean up you sat on some stairsteps in a unpopular part of the school reading some manga when a sudden pair of shoes echoed through the halls,You jolted up and grabbed the sponge out of the bucket water and pretend to have been cleaning the entire time,then the walking stopped.

🦀You look up to see a man with neck length black hair with dark purple eyes looking down at you with a kind smile in a all white school uniform. Fyodor is his name and he wants you to join his literature club!Initially hesitant you give in after he explains that his club needs more members to stay open so you decide to attend the club after-school since it's not like you have anything else to do.

🦀Once club hours started you followed Fyodor to the literature club and see Dazai and some ginger guy in there. Great more Dazai.

🦀You walk into the room and it feels like someone is missing….Meh just ignore it!

🦀Speaking of ignoring you completely pretend he doesn't exist but that doesn't stop him from draping himself on top of you using all his bodyweight while whining about how cruel you are for ignoring him even though you keep telling the other two you've never seen this man in your life before.

🦀You wrote you're immature poem and read it out loud all of them praised your hard work but you cant but feel it was pity praise because DAMN they can write poetry maybe literature club shouldn't be your thing buddy.

🦀Dazai and Chuuya are getting into a pretty heated arugment over poetry.What kinda nerd yells about poetry?

🦀Fyodor ushered you out of the classroom and he tells you to wait in the hallway before he walks back into the classroom. After a while Fyodor opens the door and gestures for you to come inside then suddenly Chuuya storms out the class with blood dripping down his chin…these two really threw hands over poetry….Best not to poke at Chuuya unless you want to slapped.

🦀You walk back into the classroom and there's a lingering tension from Dazai even after Chuuya left. You tried asking Dazai how did it escalate to actual physical violence but he keeps dancing around answering.

🦀Fyodor puts a firm hand on Dazai's shoulder and reassures him that Chuuya will forget about it tomorrow.

🦀Chuuya really did forget like Fyodor said!You tried to ask him about his fight with Dazai and he doesn't even remember there being a fight!….Weird

🦀Dazai grabs your arm almost immediately after your conversation with Chuuya finished and begged asked you to read with him,You reluctantly agreed to read his suicide book with him. There was one particular method that he seemed really enthusiastic to try with you,he was just babbling about how beautiful your guy's death would be and how people would write and base stories off of your oh so romantic double suicide for centuries,When he caught a glimpse of your oh so disturbed expresion he stood up with a smile and walked to the hallway saying he needed water.

🦀After he gets back he immediately hands you a poem that's pretty vague and full of weird unexplained concepts. Freaky but better than anything you could make.

🦀Third day and you decide to proof read poems with Chuuya,His poem oddly intimidates you with how fancy and professional it feels, You look up and he wasn't even reading your poem at all!He was just staring at you!Before you could call him out he slips you a folded piece of paper. You open the paper and it flat out tells you to avoid Dazai…You look up from the piece of paper and Chuuya….has no face tells you to ignore the piece of paper he gave you and tells you to spend time with Fyodor…

🦀You tried to talk to Fyodor about it but insists that you spending time with Dazai only enables his behavior and that you should just stick with him.

🦀When you read your poem out loud to the club they compliment your work Dazai is the only one who asks you if he can take yours home with him and if you want to read his poem to yourself.

🦀You take his poem and read it…You swear that's blood and…other bodily fluids on it...

🦀When you finish reading he's all up in your face asking if you liked it and explains its about a man and his mistress tying themselves together and drowning together and that he put his smell on the poem. He runs off saying he has to vomit before you can even properly understand what he just said.

🦀A argument started between the 3 men about who you should prepare for the festival with. You end up picking Fyodor so far he's the only sane person in this damn hell literature club.

🦀Dazai goes quiet before he locks Fyodor and Chuuya out of the classroom leaving you two alone.

🦀He confesses his love to you and apologies for his behavior and that he just didn't know how to process his feelings for you and him being annoying was how he dealt with them.

🦀“OH GOD OH FUCK DAZAI STOP PLEASE”

🍷The hallway crush

🍷You'd always see him at his shoe cupboard in the morning, you never knew the name of the short copper hair beauty but he was a pretty sight that's for sure, and to be honest the less you know about him the better.

🍷You'd sometimes walk near him on the way to class though his classroom was on the third floor and yours was on the first floor so you'd just walk in the same general direction before he went up the stairs.

🍷He never really acknowledged you maybe it was because he genuinely didn't notice you, maybe because he had friends that he'd be talking to on the way to class, it could be really be whatever reason but it doesn't really matter

🍷You learned the guys name during lunch through Dazai. Chuuya Nakahara. He said Chuuya suffered from a Napoleon complex…that couldn't possibly be true.

🍷He must be pretty fast because despite you being on the first floor and him being on the third floor he'd always be out the school before you so you'd always end up looking at his back as he walked off of school property and hop into a sleek black car and be driven off. Damn he must be rich.

🍷Everyone knew little to nothing about him,He was a new student too but unlike you who actually opened up to some people so people knew shit but nobody even knows where he came from or what school he attended before coming here or even his childhood town.

🍷You tried to ask Atsushi about him but he was just as oblivious to the guy as you were hell he didn't even know who you were talking about until when you two were walking home together you pointed at him.

🍷He was a popular hallway crush alot of the girls in your class said he was their hallway crush so you weren't the only person who saw the appeal in him and his grey eyes.

🍷So imagine your reaction when during a school assembly in the gym Dazai's description of Napoleon complex was right. You were a good four rows behind him so you dont know what lead up to this but he just got up and decked the guy nexted to him in the face!The fight that happened between the two of them was terrible but Dazai who was next to you had the same reaction as you. A smile. Chuuya looked even prettier when he was beating the fuck out of some guy. If he survives this fight you might actually ask him out it'd be nice to date someone who is so fearless and strong but sadly the teachers had to break up the fight before it could get really bloody(as if Chuuya's knuckles weren't covered in the other guys blood)

🍷Maybe you two could fight together.

🍷When everyone went back to class they were talking about the fight that happened and we're already spreading rumors as to why it started but you still had heart eyes for Chuuya and were still enamored by his actions meanwhile Dazai seemed annoyed your love dazed state and poked fun at you for it as a way to get you to forget about Chuuya and to focus on him instead….and it worked you immediately tried to defend yourself as to why you were crushing so hard on Chuuya despite knowing jackshit about him causing Dazai to smirk to see your heart eyes gone and on him.

🍷You thought it was strange how the next day after the fight,despite the teachers seeing that Chuuya threw the first punch and there having been blood spilled, he was still here wasn't suspended or anything meanwhile the guy he punched in the face is nowhere to be seen. Did he bribe the school or something?

🍷You ignored the obvious blaring red flag as you watched him from the corner of your eye not wanting to bother him as he is swarmed by his friends and classmates who were asking him about the fight and you didn't want to become apart of the mini crowd happening around him,You just felt so drawn to him yet it was like there was never a good opportunity to interact with him.

🍷After that it was almost like everyday he'd open his shoe cupboard and a brand new love letter would be inside,He'd never react when seeing these letters they'd just end up getting shoved into his bag while his friends hyped him up in the background,You never put one inside his shoe cupboard because of this.

🍷Even though some of the girls in your class encouraged you to do it you decided not to,Not only because you don't know the guy that well but also Dazai said that Chuuya would reject you either way. Thanks.

🍷Your eyes are locked onto Chuuya's back as you and Atsushi leave school together,Not hearing anything Atsushi is saying just being hypnotized by the way his red hair blew in the wind and the perfect way the sun's rays hit him…then he got into his car.

🍷This guy you don't know has got your heart in a fucking swirl.

🍷One of the girls from your class sent his Instagram account into the groupchat!Creepy but you checked out his Instagram so you aren't really better than em. His Instagram didn't have much on there besides a few photos of food and wine. Dammit. Not even a beach photo with him shirtless?Really?

🍷You tried to push Yosano for any information about him since she's apart of the Armed Student Council….Turns out she doesn't know much about him either she recommended that you ask Principal Fukuzawa or Vice principal Kunikida but that just feels obsessive for a simple hallway crush. She even recommended you just talk to him!What does she think you are!?Normal?

🍷Asking Dazai….was a waste of time he just teased you for asking him and when he finally heard your annoyed pleas for him to stop he just listed a bunch of negative stuff about Chuuya saying he had anger issues, he was a prick,and saying Chuuya was a alcoholic(despite Dazai being a alcoholic but whatever.)

🍷…Atsushi what are you a nerd?What is a literature club?I don't think I've ever raised a pen.

🍷You mainly agreed to go with him for the cupcakes and tea but you also decided to attend with him for his happiness,He seems really passionate about this whole literature thing and you wanna support your friend.

🍷When you arrived at the club room with him he introduced you to the club members and yes Dazai was being dramatic about not knowing who you are one knee on the ground and everything, and that definitely should've caught your attention, but your eyes kept darting to Chuuya who was sitting at a desk reading only raising his head when Atsushi announced you as the newest member .

🍷Chuuya is here?Maybe a literature club isn't COMPLETELY nerdy .

🍷You mainly clung to Atsushi’s side during this club meeting since he was the only person you'd say you knew but you kept sneaking a glance at Chuuya nearly everytime you went to take sip of tea that Dazai generously provided for all of you. Chuuya didn't really seem to notice the way your pupils would dilate whenever you'd lay your sights on him…mostly because he was busy glaring Dazai down despite Dazai minding his business…Probably just some untold beef that happened you're unaware of and shouldn't stick your nose is.

🍷The day after this first club meeting Chuuya gave you a little nod of acknowledgement at the cupboard to show “Yeah I recognize you, Don't know you enough to say hello and wave, but it'd be rude to not acknowledge you so I'm just gonna do the bare minimum”

🍷Some of the girls in your class saw this exchange and bombarded you with questions about Chuuya but luckily Dazai and Yosano managed to push back the crowd of girls that was circling you.

🍷Though Yosano and Dazai did tease you for it. Thanks guys😒

🍷Due to your stupid little crush on this guy you ended up writing a poem around him unaware that you'd have to read it outloud to the rest of the club. Stupid teenage puppy love bullshit.

🍷You sat with Chuuya by the closet in the club room reading manga and you ended up learning something about him! Turns out he reads manga occasionally when he's bored!Nice to see he has some form of interests.

🍷When you read your poem out to the club everyone seemed to know who the poem was centered around and made comments hinting that “Yeah.We know.” meanwhile the guy the poem was about had his arms crossed with his face aimed towards the ground along with his leg bouncing up and down with his only reply to the poem was saying it was alright… A win is a win.

🍷After your turn Dazai and Chuuya were next. Chuuya said Dazai's was just okay…and Dazai called Chuuya's edgy. Can't have shit in this literature club. They start arguing over poetry🤦🏽‍♂️

🍷You just keep glancing at Fyodor wanting him to step in or something while Chuuya accuses of Dazai just trying to impress you Dazai's reply is that Chuuya's just jealous that you like his poem more.

🍷You agree with Chuuya but groan at Chuuya being too proud and explains your reasoning to Dazai who seems chill with it .

🍷Chuuya actually waves to you the next day at the shoe cupboard…You could already feel your classmates eyes burning into the back of your head…..The classroom gossip is gonna be crazy.

🍷“Are you guys hooking up?” “Is this a secret romance between the two of you?” “Is this like a Romeo and Juliet situation and that's why you two are dating in secret?” “Obviously you guys are engaged in a arranged marriage right?” “Is he your sugar daddy or something?” “I don't think that's how sugar daddies work” “Haruno I love you but sssshhhh”

🍷This time Yosano and Dazai just watched in amusement while you were trying to answer all your classmates questions. What great friends you have.

🍷You gotta be kidding me. Fyodor put all the manga on the top shelf to “clean”….. fuck you dude you know my abilityless ass isnt reaching that shit you just wanna see me struggle. Luckily Chuuya's ability helped with this to get the box of manga down. You just lean against Chuuya's side when you two got the box down and he doesn't acknowledge it other than sliver of a smile creep onto his face at the physical contact .

🍷During this club meaning Dazai asked if you were mad at him for the last club meeting and a very awkward conversation between the two of you started…So awkward infact that you left Dazai alone so that the two of you couldn't even share poems….Extremely awkward that you hoped Dazai's suicide book would actually give him a good painless way to go.

🍷Atsushi seems…down today you tried to ask him about it during club knowing his past and all but he brushed you off. Since he didn't want to talk to you about it you had to make a choice Dazai doesn't seem uh…there to try and talk to Atsushi, Chuuya doesn't really seem to interact much with Atsushi so would it really feel okay to send him, Fyodor is the president of the literature club and Atsushi is the vice president so they must've interacted plenty before you joined plus he's level headed enough so Fyodor it is!

🍷Fyodor hasn't seen any change in Atsushi but he still goes and checks up on him which is sweet :)

🍷You went over to Chuuya since it has become a pretty normal thing for you to talk to him in club. You try to mention Atsushi with Chuuya but he seems almost ticked off by this through his eyes narrowing and folding his arms, To try and not have him get piss and punch the lights out of Atsushi like that guy at the assembly you explain the situation in more detail, luckily he chills out and let's you know that since Atsushi is your best friend (and not your love interest.) If he had a problem he'd talk to ya about it.

🍷Chuuya likes the poem you made!That's great! Hey Chuuya can I read yours- what do you mean it's shitty?

🍷After much convincing he finally tosses his poem at you and……it's about you…It's about longing that's sweet :)

🍷You tried to give it back but Chuuya turned his head away from you and waved his hand saying to just keep it

🍷Putting the poem in your pocket you go and try to talk to Dazai but he just kinda backs off of you…Hm that's weird he hasn't offered you a date yet.

🍷You try and go to talk to Atsushi after you see Fyodor leave his side, Atsushi clearly has something on his mind. He let's you know that he knows your poem wasn't about but FOR Chuuya then before you could push further he left with the excuse of needing to get some rest…

🍷……A-…..A festival?

🍷Fyodor almost immediately after Atsushi left mentions this festival now how he and Atsushi will be in charge of making pamphlets for the club, Dazai is making the banner(oh god…), and Chuuya is baking cupcakes

🍷“You bake?” “Shut up.” “No I find it cute actually.”

🍷Not wanting to be useless for once you pick to work with Chuuya despite him saying he can do it by himself Chuuya seems happy.

🍷Dazai gets really passive aggressive for no reason saying he was used to working alone and shit.

🍷Sorry Atsushi that I can't go home with you and hang out with at park and eat!I have to make sure Dazai doesn't kill himself after school!Maybe next time….You say for fourth time this week.

🍷After checking up on Dazai and making sure he wasn't dead….again. You headed over to the address Chuuya gave you and you end up infront a basic suburban house with a green tree in the yard. He isn't a rich boy? You notice that the black car Chuuya is drove in after school isn't parked maybe his parents are at work?

🍷When Chuuya let you in you noticed how… clean the place was, It felt more like a place you'd rent for the vacation than stay in long term kinda clean, you asked Chuuya about his parents and turns out his parents are always working!…..Then who picks him up in the balck car after school?Now that you think about it it's weird that theres no family photos up not even childhood drawings…

🍷Is-….Is this even his house-

🍷Pusing those thoughts to the back of your head Chuuya already has the ingredients for the cupcakes out and ready. He tosses you a grey apron and puts on a nice red apron and you can't help but stare as he ties his hair back into a small little ponytail and how his hands tie his apron around his waist, If Chuuya didn't think your staring was cute he would have let you know that he knows you're staring at him.

🍷You played your favorite playlist as the two of you were baking well more like Chuuya, He tried explaining what to do but you were busy bumping to the music from your phone and sure he was frustrated but he was also infatuated enough with you that MAYBE he'll let this slide.

🍷You did help obviously you aren't just trying to bounce around his house like some dickhead you of course helped with making the frosting.

🍷Once Chuuya put the cupcakes in the oven to bake and you put the bowl of icing to the side, you grabbed Chuuya's hand and encouraged him to dance along with the song playing but Chuuya kept saying no in a seemingly serious tone but soon he cracked into chuckling out no and instead he dipped one of his fingers into the icing the smeared it against your forehead….That's why your now chasing him around the kitchen island now-

🍷You somehow chased him into the living room and pushed him onto the couch getting a “what the hell” outta him and you should be saying the same thing because damn how'd you catch him💀

🍷He backed up on the couch the moment you landed on the other side damn near crushing his legs but before he could leap off the couch you managed to grab his wrist and lick the frosting off the finger he had icing on. His face was red and he was completely silent, he shifted his position on the couch and scooch over to you so that he's able to lick the icing he smudged on your forehead;

🍷After finishing baking and decorating the cupcakes for the school festival you're finally on your way home!It's pretty damn dark out,The street lights are on and everything,You check your phone and see it's 8:30…You aren't gonna get any homework done.

🍷G̶̨̩̗͎̅̿̆̄̒͗̈̿̽̆͂o̴̬̪͈̯̳̥̩̹͊͗̕o̸͙̝͍̤͚̝̗͚͂̒͝d̷̨͚͓̫̱̲̙̹̩̜̤̄ ̶̛̹͚͖̱͚̯͈̂̏̐̊́̔͌͐̓̊̒̋͛̚m̸͚̞͎̥̳̑̉̑̈́̈́̓̔͝ǫ̶̖̤̹͙͕̥̩̰̮͎͇̹͎̺̓͂̀̌̈́̑̄̇͛̽͆̍͂̚͠r̸̩̫̗̘̽͐̈́̾͛͐͊͊̓̿̍̓͛̑n̸̺̲͔̰̯̖̓i̸͎̭̔̆̅̋n̴̟̲̪̞̫̭̬͍̥̲̼̯̔̔͗̓̔g̶̠͔̝͙̦̩̮̓͑͌͆́͂̐͊̈́̈́͌̚͝͝-̷̹͇̯̲͚̱͎̞̊̀…̸̢̱͙̤̲̫̗͙̮̯̰̔̾…̷̢͚͔̼͍͎̜̙̖̮̣̪̠̿Ą̴͉̪̯̺̯̘̜͛̚ͅt̵̬̘͇̖̠͍̏́͐͛̊̒̅̈́̑͗͘͜͠͝͠s̷̡̢̺̫̤̲̥̻̙͙̀̏̏̍̓̈́̔̉͛̐̚͘͠ͅͅu̵̢͔͉̱̗̳̙̺͕͉͚̮͛͗̋̆̍s̶̡͉̜̰̦̠̳̳͒̿̐̒̅͑̂͊͒̓͋͘ͅͅh̷̢͓̺͇͖͍̜̐̈͛̈́̓̀͗͑̀̏̂̽́́͜i̷̡̧̬̼͓͈͙̰̖̣͑͌̋̉̓̓̎̀̕͜͜?̵̢̼̮̩͖̥̂͌̄̀͂̓͗̃̂̈́̀̈”̵̢̼͔̗͎̺͙̭͙͕̞̓̈̅̃͆͐̏̉͗̅̕͜

🍷Your train ride to school went as expected,pretty boring,you don't have anyone to walk to school with since you aren't exactly someone with alot of friends you just kinda read manga and stay at home. You just hope nobody tries to get too friendly with you at 8am.

🍷When you were putting your shoes away in your shoe cupboard a head of orange hair appeared in the corner of your eye you glanced over put you couldn't get a good look at the person's face due to them having their head down while taking off their shoes.

🍷The patter of loafers is all you hear until that same blotch of orange shows up in your peripheral vision walking to class. You look over at him and see his side profile….so pretty….The sound of shoes disappeared as time slowed down as you watch him head up the stairs to his class…

🍷So yeah best believe you texted your friends about him immediately when you got home, took them awhile to respond because of time zone but you wished you didn't tell them cause as friends do they clowned on you for this but hey you go I guess💀

🍷Next time you saw him at the shoe cupboard you managed to sneak a picture of him, not a good one but it was a picture, sending it to the groupchat was a mistake like not them agreeing and yall wanting to take him away from you🤨(Chuuya doesn't even know you exist)

🍷The mummy guy who sat infront of you during glass, Dazai, suddenly grabs your phone and plays keep away with it as he read the texts between you and your friends…He tossed your phone back to you and warned you that you should avoid Chuuya if you want to stay outta trouble and that he's a shady guy…but hes hot with a fancy black car :(

🍷Hell some of your classmates joined in and started taking pictures of him and showing you them in class/sending them just to tease you a bit

🍷 “This yo man🤨?” “……That's a whole ass leprechaun-”

🍷Even your parents started getting the idea when they went to your room to check if you were sleeping at like 11 just to see you under the covers on your phone texting your friends about this random guy who doesn't even know you exist with your legs kicking.

🍷Yosano entertained this crush of yours and hell she even said she'll try to use her position in the Armed Student Council to find out stuf about this guy for you!

🍷Dazai simply waved off your crush on Chuuya saying “It's just a puppy love you'll get over it in a week” and discouraged Yosano to not bother looking into him saying “It's just a little thing [NAME] will get over it in a week” Way to be supportive Dazai😐

🍷You can't help but feel stupid whenever you think about this guy and all the imagined scenarios in your head that put a goofy little smile on your face that just has your friends, classmates, and family poking fun….besides Dazai-

🍷He's just the kinda guy that has you giggling and screaming into your pillows while your parents are downstairs in the living room mildly concerned.

🍷If it was possible you'd have a wobbly smile with hearts in your eyes and heart beating out of your chest.

🍷Planning your wedding with him on a whole pinterest board like a giddy cartoon character with a crush.

🍷During school clean up you sat on some stairsteps in a unpopular part of the school reading some manga and your phone featuring the imaginary wedding inbetween the pages keeping the book open when a sudden pair of shoes echoed through the halls,You jolted up and grabbed the sponge out of the bucket water and pretend to have been cleaning the entire time,then the walking stopped.

🍷You look up to see a man with neck length black hair with dark purple eyes looking down at you with a kind smile in a all white school uniform. Fyodor is his name and he wants you to join his literature club!Initially hesitant you give in after he explains that his club needs more members to stay open so you decide to attend the club after-school since it's not like you have anything else to do.

🍷Once club hours started you followed Fyodor to the literature club and see Dazai and future hubby😍

🍷The club room was nice and cozy, it was warm and the sun coming in through the windows made the environment so calming, but the room feels empty…Sure you,Fyodor,Dazai,and Chuuya are all here and the room is full of desks yet you can't shake of the feeling that something is missing even though you've never been in this room before…

🍷Best let it not get to you!

🍷You wrote a amateur poem and read it out to your fellow club members with Chuuya giving you very reluctant compliments you can tell he's just being polite, Dazai being so over the top that you can't tell if hes making fun of you or not, and Fydor being so calm that you can't tell if he hates your poem. Note to self pay attention in writing class more.

🍷Dazai and Chuuya are getting into a pretty heated arugment over poetry.What kinda nerd yells about poetry?

🍷Fyodor ushered you out of the classroom and you he tells you wait in the hallway before he walks back into the classroom. After a while Fyodor opens the door and gestures for you to come inside then suddenly Chuuya storms out the class with blood dripping down his chin…these two really threw hands over poetry….Best not to poke at Chuuya unless you want to slapped .

🍷You're shocked cause how have go be pretty lame to get into a physical altercation OVER POETRY.

🍷You walk back into the classroom and there's a lingering tension from Dazai even after Chuuya left. You tried asking Dazai how did it escalate to actual physical violence but he keeps dancing around answering.

🍷A wave of shock hits you, the last time you saw Chuya get into a fight was like 4 weeks ago during a assembly and the last guy couldn't even get a hit in so the fact that DAZAI. THAT FREAK WAS ABLE TO LAY A HAND ON HIM?

🍷Talk about underestimating.

🍷Fyodor puts a firm hand on Dazai's shoulder and reassures him that Chuuya will forget about it tomorrow.

🍷Chuuya really did forget like Fyodor said!You tried to talk to him about his fight with Dazai and he doesn't even remember there being a fight!….Weird, From their interactions in the club that you've seen Dazai really got a rise got out if Chuuya so you're suprised that Chuuya didn't even seem to care.

🍷You decided to trade poems with Chuuya!You read his and he reads yours!….You thought you were bad at poems but damn!Chuuya didn't even put words it was just numbers and letters it looked like code from those movies or something.

🍷Looking up at Chuuya to question what he just gave you you see….oh god is that blood? Stop it! GETAWAYGETAWAYGETAWAYGETAWAY

🍷Third day and you decide to proof read poems with Chuuya,His poem oddly intimidates you with how fancy and professional it feels, You look up and he wasn't even reading your poem at all!He was just staring at you!Before you could call him out he slips you a folded piece of paper. You open the paper and it flat out tells you to avoid Dazai…You look up from the piece of paper and Chuuya….has no face tells you to ignore the piece of paper he gave you and tells you to spend time with Fyodor…

🍷You tried to talk to Fyodor about it sure you find Dazai weird but hes sure as hell needs hep but Fydor insists that you sending time with Dazai only enables his behavior and that you should just stick with him and he tells you to just forget about it. Forget about Dazai.

🍷When you read your poem out loud to the club they compliment your work Dazai is the only one who asks you if he can take yours home with him and if you want to read his poem to yourself.

🍷You take his poem and read it…You swear that's blood and…other bodily fluids on it

🍷During this exchange you kept glancing from his poem and looking past his shoulder. Chuuya was giving you look of disapproval and concern before he eventually completely averted his gaze from you

🍷When you finish reading he's all up in your face asking if you liked it and explains its about a man and his mistress tying themselves together and drowning together and that he put his smell on the poem. He runs off saying he has to vomit before you can even properly understand what he just said.

🍷A argument started between the 3 men about who you should prepare for the festival with. You end up picking Fyodor so far he's the only sane person in this damn hell literature club

🍷Dazai goes quiet before he locks Fyodor and Chuuya out of the classroom leaving you two alone. Chuuya was cussing Dazai out from the other side of the door demanding to be let in and that he doesn't trust Dazai to be alone with you.

🍷The yelling stops suddenly. Chuuya was mid yelling before it went quiet…

🍷He confesses his love to you and apologies for his behavior and that he just didn't know how to process his feelings for you and him being annoying was how he dealt with them

🍷“OH GOD OH FUCK DAZAI STOP PLEASE”

🐀The club president

🐀In the beginning, there was darkness.

🐀A formless dark void.

🐀And then a voice boomed “Let there be light!” and there was light.

🐀Not much of a memory he can recall from, can't even remember what he had for breakfast or what he learned in class today, He just remembers the club room.

🐀The sweet boring club room.

🐀It was just him, Dazai, and Chuuya. He doesn't remember how he knows them or how he met them but they were apart of his club…that he has no recollection of starting .

🐀Then his vice president, Atsushi, walked in with…you.

🐀Your hair, your body, your voice, all things that belong to a monster. You.

🐀He enjoys your existence. Always acting innocent to everyone when he can read your soul.

🐀He likes having someone such as yourself in his club.

🐀He let's you stay in hope that you'll stop going down the route your on and turn to him.

🐀Yet you keep up with your ways.

🐀Continuing to present yourself to other like youre worth nothing. That's why you agreed to attend the literature club with Atsushi you heard there'd be attention. He sees right through you siren.

🐀You reading with him is clearly you buttering him up you're playing the long game from what he observed. Well played.

🐀But you don't know that he knows this. That he knows that you're actively trying to deceive him. He just sips the tea Dazai made and reads his book all while you're toying with your food for entertainment like the disgusting creature but he won't give into your act, a man such as himself should never entertain a dog unless he wants to meet his end.

🐀The way your lips flapped when you shared your poem made him want to vomit. Your poem was terrible yet he gave you praise, to stay civil with you.

🐀Your mouth is filthy. It doesn't matter what you're saying it all sounds dirty by a mouth tainted by the devil. One of God's worst creations. That's the only way to explain YOU.

🐀As much as he's unamused at how dirty you are he understands that poor souls like you need proper guidance.

🐀Your uncleanness was appealing and if he must take advantage of you to use your evil for himself he will.

🐀You stepped out the room.

🐀In a blink of a eye his vision went dark and he was back in the classroom repeating the same thing… Drink tea, read, write poetry,and read poem out loud.

🐀pick him let him help you

🐀Dazai and Chuuya get into a argument about poetry and drag you into it only makes him loathe you more with you acting as some sort of madonna and managing to convince everyone of it makes him irritated. He only watches as you manage to break up the fight.

🐀Its all black again.

🐀He disappears again until he's needed again.

🐀He can't remember anything…

🐀Other than the face…It was pure…On the other side of the screen….not inside the simulation. The only thing that is real.

🐀And he's back in the club room with Chuuya, Dazai, and Atsushi everyone and everything feels flat. 2D like paper cut outs. They aren't real…besides you.

🐀Your avatar walks in, he can see you inside the eye of your avatar, and he sees the avatar look at Atsushi and walk up to him…

🐀When your avatar walks up to him and asks him to check on Atsushi for you he agrees. So that you be distracted with spending time with the others and he could…mess with Atsushi at bit .

🐀Fyodor wished he could spend time with you but he needed the others out of the way first if he wanted to reach out to you. You two are the only two that are real.

🐀He left after he was certain he was done messing with Atsushi and went back to his usual spot and sat to drink the flavorless flat tea and blank weightless book right on time since your avatar immediately goes to Atsushi.

🐀He felt a sense of pride when he watches Atsushi drag himself out of the classroom. It worked.

🐀When Atsushi left he swiftly switches your attention onto him making sure to keep eye contact with your avatar so that he can see you.

🐀He lets you know that he and Atsushi were going to be making pamphlets for the festival, Chuuya was going to be baking, and Dazai was going to be banner making. He felt his digital heart boom when you agreed to work with him on the pamphlets. Finally just some one on one time.

🐀But Dazai and Chuuya shut it down since he already has a partner, Atsushi, to help him.

🐀….They just sealed their fates.

🐀When you left the class room and black came back into his vision. He immediately made it his goal to mess with Atsushi more to get him out the picture then get the others.

🐀The two of you are married under the eyes of God. Jesus was able to help Mary Magdalene. He'll he able to save your damned soul. That's why he's sentient.

🐀G̶̨̩̗͎̅̿̆̄̒͗̈̿̽̆͂o̴̬̪͈̯̳̥̩̹͊͗̕o̸͙̝͍̤͚̝̗͚͂̒͝d̷̨͚͓̫̱̲̙̹̩̜̤̄ ̶̛̹͚͖̱͚̯͈̂̏̐̊́̔͌͐̓̊̒̋͛̚m̸͚̞͎̥̳̑̉̑̈́̈́̓̔͝ǫ̶̖̤̹͙͕̥̩̰̮͎͇̹͎̺̓͂̀̌̈́̑̄̇͛̽͆̍͂̚͠r̸̩̫̗̘̽͐̈́̾͛͐͊͊̓̿̍̓͛̑n̸̺̲͔̰̯̖̓i̸͎̭̔̆̅̋n̴̟̲̪̞̫̭̬͍̥̲̼̯̔̔͗̓̔g̶̠͔̝͙̦̩̮̓͑͌͆́͂̐͊̈́̈́͌̚͝͝-̷̹͇̯̲͚̱͎̞̊̀…̸̢̱͙̤̲̫̗͙̮̯̰̔̾…̷̢͚͔̼͍͎̜̙̖̮̣̪̠̿Ą̴͉̪̯̺̯̘̜͛̚ͅt̵̬̘͇̖̠͍̏́͐͛̊̒̅̈́̑͗͘͜͠͝͠s̷̡̢̺̫̤̲̥̻̙͙̀̏̏̍̓̈́̔̉͛̐̚͘͠ͅͅu̵̢͔͉̱̗̳̙̺͕͉͚̮͛͗̋̆̍s̶̡͉̜̰̦̠̳̳͒̿̐̒̅͑̂͊͒̓͋͘ͅͅh̷̢͓̺͇͖͍̜̐̈͛̈́̓̀͗͑̀̏̂̽́́͜i̷̡̧̬̼͓͈͙̰̖̣͑͌̋̉̓̓̎̀̕͜͜?̵̢̼̮̩͖̥̂͌̄̀͂̓͗̃̂̈́̀̈”̵̢̼͔̗͎̺͙̭͙͕̞̓̈̅̃͆͐̏̉͗̅̕͜

🐀He’s been in the code. He knows everything that happens and he's tampered with it enough that'll make you gravitate towards him but also not scare you away.

🐀He wrote his poem to specifically for you turn to him,you two are meant to be, let him out.

🐀He felt nothing when Chuuya and Dazai gave you their poems considering he knew what would happen to them and that soon you'll only be able to interact with him.

🐀He was calm when he ushered you out of the club room due to the fight between Chuuya and Dazai, something he planned to happen, he counted for the exact amount of time it his head that he coded and on cue Chuuya stormed out he was already waiting for what to happen next.

🐀And it happened Chuuya forgot everything about the fight that Fyodor scripted.

🐀Fyodor wrote another poem. Eve trying to convince Adam to bite the apple for her.

🐀Please help him. Don't fall for the snakes.

🐀You're coming to him, Finally ignoring the non existent fictional characters and coming to him. Everything is going just as planned to freak you out into his arms. Faceless Chuuya gave a shock? Weirded out by the bodily fluids on Dazai's poems?Don't worry he's here and normal. The normal option. The real option.

🐀You care for Dazai yes?He's your friend so don't enable this behavior of his. The more time you spend with him the more you're supporting him. Just forget about it. Forget about him. Forget about everyone.

🐀Look at his behavior towards you!It's disturbing. Depraved. You wouldn't want his poem fluids to get more alarming would you?Because he can up the extremity if needed.

🐀You have to pick Fyodor for the festival now. He's coded that you physically can't pick anyone but him. He just feels his digital stomach flip when you pick him. He can finally speak to a real person. Not just someone who's a bunch of code like Dazai and Chuuya.

🐀They were finally dealt with.

🐀“OH GOD OH FUCK DAZAI STOP PLEASE”

🐀Its just him and your avatar. Him staring into your avatars eyes and at you. He explains that all this was inevitable that it was meant to happen. God didn't make him self aware for no reason. For no purpose. He's meant to be with you. He had to ruin the others files for you to focus on him and it worked. Now your eyes are on him. DELETE?

[adventuringblind]

Daddy Issues Part 2

Max Verstappen X Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Requested: No, but I'm in a writing mood, so I'm taking requests for Max and Charles. *Silently begs for people to not be shy*

Summary: Jos may have been dealt with for now, but parental issues for the two lovers are far from it.

Warnings: DADDY ISSUES... again, mentions of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, not proofread (I don't even proofread my college papers), Jos is a warning himself

Notes: This part is written in the second person perspective because it's more geared toward the readers' struggles. Jos does make a reappearance. At this point, it's completely self-indlugent. I'm writing from similar experiences, so please be gracious.

Also, I posted things about a novel I'm currently working on. If you have a chance, please give it a look! You can find it on my masterlist.

Masterlist // Part one // Part three

You were naïve to think that your troubles would be over after the interaction with Jos.

The air around you and Max had become significantly lighter. Max even opened up about things to his friends and was able to smile more during races.

You loved watching him. The light in his eyes even when coming in second or third.

You thought maybe the two of you would be able to heal and move forward. Max had been thriving the last six months. Both physically and mentally because of the steps he'd been taking to get there.

However, you had a different story. While Max had been able to cut off contact with Jos, you had your dad to deal with still.

Thankfully, your dad was good at putting on his best performance around people. It was the reason very few people had the privilege of understanding your relationship with your family.

You'd wanted to cut him off originally, but you couldn't because you still felt the underlying need to please him. Your mom is in a similar situation, and your sibling(s) who still had yet to be able to make that choice.

You hadn't told Max yet. Things had gotten worse for you recently. You didn't want to ruin his current state of joy.

A people pleaser by heart.

So you hid that part away and put on your best face as you basked in Max's smiles. The warmth of them helping you mask yourself.

Until it started to fall apart.

The first encounter was once again with Jos. You found him in hospitality during a race. Immediately getting defensive and ready to call security.

That was until you noticed him having a conversation with your father. The two seeming to have a lively discussion.

Then they noticed you. Hand beckoning you to come closer.

Cautiously, you approached the table. Choosing not to take a seat and standing at the end instead.

"Good to see you again! I hope you haven't missed me too much since we last spoke." Jos' voice sounded like sandpaper in your ears. The bruise on your cheek had long since healed, but being near him brought back the stinging feeling of his hand.

"I hadn't realized you both were coming." Your voice came out shakily. Fingers crossed that they didn't catch on to your ever-growing anxiety.

"Jos managed to get passes and invited me to come along. Since you and Max are close he figured we should be too." Your father explained. "Though I'm shocked they didn't come from Max himself."

You tried hard not to grimace. The realization that you might have to explain why doing nothing to help your panic creeping in slowly.

"I bet if you were as successful as Max, you wouldn't need him to give us the passes." Your father laughs in your direction.

"What is it you do again?" Jos suddenly turning towards you. A hint of a smirk on his lips.

"I'm in psychology."

"No wonder you need Max's money."

"Bet she has Max hypnotized with her knowledge of the brain or something."

The two were cracking up now. Laughing at your expense.

Your dad calmed down a moment. Breathing deeply to get his breath back. His face became neutral again, noticing the obvious frown you now dawned. "It was a joke, Y/N. There's no need to get upset. Max isn't going to be able to handle you eventually if you don't get thicker skin.

You'd had enough. Not wanting to cry in front of everyone, you turn to head back to the garage. Maybe even to hide in Max's driver room for a moment.

Though you didn't get far before a hand caught your wrist. "Stop ignoring me. It's disrespectful, and I am still your father." You didn't turn around. Didn't want him to see you cry. "I have you a life that was better than mine. My father would have never even tried. Yet, you still don't listen to me. Get your act together soon, please."

To outsiders, he sounded sincere. You, on the other hand, knew exactly what he was doing.

Yanking your hand back, you continue walking without giving the two older men a second glance.

If you were home, you would lock yourself in your room til he threatened to take your door. Then, you would shower and hide in the bathroom. If that didn't work, you would try to look productive and cry silently so he couldn't be mad at you for doing such an action as letting the tears roll. He thinks it's over dramatic.

Somtimes he would take to slamming things around. Doors, chairs, his phone, things in his room, not at you but purposely loud.

It didn't matter how hard you worked, it would never be enough. This is how you and Max are able to understand each other. You knew exactly what the other needed because both of you have lived this.

As soon as the race was over, you went to celebrate Max and his victory. The moment was joyful for him. Making a mental note to tell him what happened earlier, you decided now definitely wasn't the time.

Neither was when you got back to your hotel room after celebrating. Or when you took a phone call from your dad with more lovely words that made you feel disgusting in your own skin. Or the plane ride back to Monaco. Or when you got home and immediately went to shower because your entire body felt like it was dirty from nothing but your dad and Jos harassing you.

You didn't tell your mom either, she had enough things to deal with. You didn't tell anyone for that matter.

Max had caught on when he noticed you weren't sleeping. When you weren't eating. When you started apologizing excessively. Habits he thought he broke when he was able to get you to move in with him through constant reassurance.

Now, you were moving backward while he was moving forward.

Then he put the pieces together. He only wished he saw it sooner. Could've stopped what happened before it was pulled like a ruug out from under him.

You had flown home to see your sibling(s) for a week. You missed them dearly and wanted to spend time with them while Max was away.

It had started smoothly, your dad being civil with you, a few sarcastic remarks thrown around here and there, but nothing too bad.

He was trying to convince you to come back home, where you belonged. You kept brushing him off, telling him you're happy where you are now.

It only got worse from there. Your father and Jos had gotten closer over time. He had coincidentally come knocking at the door while you were there. He said he was in the area and wanted to say hello.

Your sibling(s) had tried to get you out of the house, but you only said it would make things worse. It earned you some feelings of sadness, but they left you to converse regardless.

The four of you sat in the living room. Your mom and you mostly listen to the two men catching up.

Then your mom left to make dinner. You stood up with the intention of following before being stopped by the pair.

"Jos tells me Max has been ignoring him."

Your tempted to roll your eyes but refrain in case he's paying close attention.

"Yes, I was wondering if you could tell me the reason behind it. Have you been filling his head with lies about our exchange awhile back?" Jos' smirk makes you want to hit him. Again you refrain, knowing that he can and will hurt you if you're out of line.

"He saw why happened." You state. Making a move to hold your ground.

"He hears what you said as he came inside. He fell for the obvious manipulation. I can't believe you even blamed the bruise on me." He fakes a look of offense.

Your father shakes his head on disgust. Your body goes rigid. Voices begin sounding like they're underwater. You hang your head in defeat as they continue to accuse you of things you would never do.

"Stop it!" You snapped. Something in you breaking loose.

In seconds, a cup was shattered against the wall, and your face was burning with the sting of someone's palm.

You know you had to leave. The adrenaline from your flight response is kicking in.

So you ran, grabbing what you could and quickly exiting the house. Your mom is doing her best to keep her distance from your dad while he throws his temper tantrum and Jos convincing him that I am an entitled brat.

You definitely didn't have all your stuff, but it didn't matter. You called an Uber and found your way back to the airport. Finding and flight back to Monaco you could.

You received a few texts from your dad before blocking him and called the rest of your family to apologize for your behavior and say you'd wished you'd had more time.

Then you called Max. You hand messaged him back since mid-morning and he was starting to get concerned.

"Hello Lovely, is everything alright? I haven't heard much from you today?" His cheery voice made your smile just a little.

"Yes, but I'm coming home early. I'm on an early flight back home." Your voice is on the verge of breaking. You send a silent prayer that he doesn't catch one.

You hear his phone buzzing with notifications. "How were things at the factory?" You ask, making an attempt to change the subject.

"Is was alright, did some marketing and PR things today. Daniel says Hello." He chuckles. "My dad has been texting me though, which is odd."

You hear him sigh deeply. "Are you sure you're okay? Because he's trying to convince me of things I know aren't true."

"Your dad was there visiting mine coincidentally." The damage holding back your tears was coming loose. "I messed everything up again."

"Mijn liefje, you did nothing of the sort." His voice once again had that gentle tone. One that made you feel safe. "I'm not sure how fast I can he back in Monaco, but I'll meet you there as soon as I can."

By the time you had landed, it was early in the morning. You considered just waiting in the airport until it was brighter and then walking home since Max was still in Austria. So, the text that came from Lando that he was coming to get you was a bit of a shock.

You were relieved when he pulled in. Satey once again within your reach.

"Thanks for coming to get me."

"No worries, Max called and asked if I could. Said it was a bit on an emergency but didn't say what happened." He smiled at you, trying to get you to become less defensive.

You hadn't realized how tense you still were. Your body is still trying to shrink in on itself.

You attempted small talk until he pulled into up to the apartment. "Thanks again for the ride." Then you rushed inside as fast as possible.

The floor became your best friend. Everything after opening the door became blurry.

When you woke up later on the bathroom floor with Max's sweatshirt as your pillow, you had no idea how it happened.

Texts from Max and Lando lined your notification wall. Your body too heavy to move however, you resigned to back to the comfort of the floor and the comforting smell of Max.

The next time you woke up, you heard keys jingling in the door.

You curled into yourself. Hiding from the inevitably of confronting what happened only a day earlier.

"Love, are you here? I'm home!"

You wanted to crawl to him. Seek comfort in his arms. But your own mind was stopping you. Replaying everything that they said about you.

You heard him drop his bags and begin his search. Bedroom, kitchen, office, terrace, then finally bathroom. He knew he should have checked their first. The bathroom had always been your safe space. He often found you just sitting in the empty bathtub if life felt overwhelming.

He peeked around the corner, his face instantly softening at the sight of you.

Neither of you said anything as he crouched down next to you. Unsure the extent of what happened, he refrained from touching you.

"Can I hug you?" His voice almost a whisper. As if speaking any louder would shatter you like that glass your dad had thrown as you made your escape.

You slowly nod yes but make no effort to move. You end up not having to as Max pulls you into his arms. Your body draped over his lap.

You felt so small in this moment, with his hand caressing the back of your head.

The dam broke. A hard sob wracked your body. Wailing into Max's chest.

"You're safe now, I got you." He whispered. His hold unrelenting until the tears were able to slow.

"I'm so sorry." Your voice muffled from his chest. "You were so happy I didn't want to ruin it, so I didn't tell you."

"I'm happiest when I know you are also doing well. You can't ruin that for me. I love you too much to see you like this." He pulled your face back, his soft eyes meeting yours.

He was finally able to take in the bruise on your cheek. Once again, not able to stop the unrelenting force of your fathers misdemeanors against you both.

He was angry, you could tell. You saw the rage flash through his eyes.

Knowing that's not what you needed right now, though, he softened again. "Who did this to you love?"

You began rapidly shaking your head no. Not wanting to relive it and not wanting to make things more difficult for him. "I can't-" you started.

"It's my job to make sure you're safe because I love you. It's not going to be an inconvenience." He always knew what to say.

"Jos." Was all you could muster before you were crying into his shoulder again.

You told him everything. All the events in the past few months. Every awful word spoken towards you. How he understood you, you have no idea.

The two of you stayed like that until you fell asleep in Max's arms. Knowing you couldn't stay here forever, he brought you to the bed and tucked you in. His lips on your forehead the last sensation before you were completely lost to your subconscious.

MAX'S POV

Everything about the situation made him want to break down. He thought he would finally be able to move on. He did, kind of, but left you behind in the process.

He knew something was wrong but didn't want to force you to open up. You needed to process things longer and came to him when you were ready.

This situation affected you differently though. Your response to your father had always been inward. Taught from a young age just to take it and nit talk about it. Convinced that you shouldn't paint your home life as bad because you had a roof over your head and food on your table.

He understands, though his reactions are different. Often not understanding that something was wrong and just talking about it like it was normal.

Daniel was the first to question, and you were the first to get him like nobody else.

You broke eachothers bad habits you'd learned from years of toxicity. Started learning better communication. Working through things and understanding eachothers responses.

He could never thank you enough for your help with his dad. Standing up for him despite the physical altercation was brave. He knew it was hard for you but you loved him enough to do it anyways.

Now, it was his turn to help you through this. He didn't care how long it took.

The bruise on your cheek only sparked a fire in him. He was tired of the hurt your fathers were causing. He knew now that both of you deserved better.

So, he would help it get better.

[chiharuhashibira]

Hiiiiii so I was wondering if you can do a sanemi x fem abused reader plss?? And like the reader drops a plate and is having a panic attack and sanemi comforts us ???pls and thanks (if not sanemi kiojuro or obanai??)

Of course! We certainly can~ Your wish is my command UwU

I've been wanting to write about Shinazugawa-san! And no worries about the Kyojuro and Obanai imagine~ I'll definitely make one and tag you hihi ^^

𝓜𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽

𝑨𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔

𝐀 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐳𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚 𝐗 𝐀𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭

Content Warnings: Curse words, Wound and Blood, Abuse Flashbacks, Panic Attacks

Notes: Y/N = Your Name | E/C = Eye Color | H/C = Hair Color

As if by muscle memory, you flinched and covered your face as the plate crumbled into pieces on the floor. The streaking pain and screaming echoed inside your head, confusing you about what's real and what's not.

As you looked down, you saw tiny red droplets on the wooden floor. With a lump now forming on your throat, you crouched down, and tears started to escape your E/C eyes. The tremors came back as if you were back at the old estate where you had been living a year ago.

Your mind was filled with endless memories of how your own mother and your new stepfather had physically and verbally abused you.

"You're a fucking twat. You should've died with your father."

"Why don't we just sell you, Y/N? Perhaps we can get money from you getting laid! You're just a piece of shit to us anyways..."

A small sob escaped your lips as you looked around, your sight blurred with tears. Then suddenly, a warm, calloused hand gently caressed your back.

"Hey Y/N, calm down, please. You're safe with me."

All your demons calmed down inside of you as your E/C orbs met with his pale purple ones.

Oh yes, you have been living with the Wind Hashira for a year since you watched as your evil parents turned into a real-life demon in front of your eyes. He was your saviour; he still is, and that's the reason why your heart started beating fast for him.

You remembered the first night after the traumatic incident when Sanemi insisted you come with him to Kocho-dono's place. Who would've thought that this harsh-tongued man, full of scars from his old and present battles, would take you under his wing and show you a part of him that he has never shown to anyone after his nightmares came true?

Sanemi gently picked you up as your shivers continued to take over your body. Normally, you would protest this gesture, scared that he might tease you for being so frail, but that never came from him. He never mocked you.

"Y/N, breathe. Please breathe for me."

You followed him as he slowly put you on the zabuton, making sure that he was beside you to support you in case you fell down again. You watched him as your sight got clearer once again; he was opening a little box that he always hid under the table. His little first aid kit.

Sanemi is aware of your panic attacks; he even prepared things to help you when your past gets ahold of you once again, like this first aid kit that he kept in case you wound yourself up.

"Sanemi, I'm so sorry. I dropped a plate again."

He grunted, taking your hand and cleaning the wound from it that you got from accidentally squeezing the shard on your hand a while ago. No words came out of him for a few seconds. His eyes and hands are just focused on wrapping the wound on your hand with bandages.

Then after that, he looked up at you with no smile, but his eyes said it all. He was trying his best to comfort you. "Y/N, it's just a plate. I won't be mad even if you accidentally break every single one of them." He suddenly pulled you into his arms, embracing you with a warmth that no one would ever expect.

Flashbacks brought back your first kiss with Sanemi and how he tried to make you stop crying from being too scared that he wouldn't come back from his missions. You saw how he beheaded your demon mother and stepfather after they scratched his arms back then. You never want to see him hurt again, but he's a demon slayer. A Hashira, to begin with. His life won't really be about comfort and pleasures; he's here to slay demons, and he sacrificed his safety for that devotion.

You always wondered why he had agreed to take you under his wing after Kocho said that you were too scared, even to the three young girls in the Butterfly Mansion, but not to Sanemi. Despite his complaints, he still took you in and made sure that you were in safe hands.

Until one day, you just fell for him. His mean attitude, scarred exterior, and cold facade—those never stopped you from loving him more. And he fell for you too. He would never say things like, I love you, but you always felt special. Especially when he kissed you that night when you tried to stop him from leaving for his mission.

"Don't leave me Shinazugawa-san... Please... I—I... care for you so much."

Sanemi leaned in for a warm, passionate kiss, and you'll swear that his eyes glistened seconds before his intimate action.

"I'll come back for you. I won't die that easy. You know how badass I am, right?"

And that's it. That's how you and Sanemi's relationship changed in an instant.

"Hey, you're drowning in your thoughts again."

Sanemi pulled you out of the embrace, held you by your shoulders, and stared at you with concern in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Sane—"

"Another sorry from your lips, and I won't kiss you again."

Your heart started beating fast after what he said. You shut your mouth and bit your lip, making a small smile appear on Sanemi's face.

"Good girl. E/C, those fucking demons cannot return to harm you. I won't let them. I'll slash their heads even before they take a step near you. I promise I'll protect you. I won't lose you too."

You gave him a small smile and nodded. Sanemi suddenly pulled you into his arms again and kissed through your H/C hair. "I won't lose you, Y/N. I won't let that happen." He caressed your back, hushing you from the remnants of your past.

The fear in you subsided. Sanemi's right. No one can hurt you again. Sanemi's the only person who can kill the demons inside your head. He's the only person who's always there to get you back on your feet if you fall. His loving comfort and company are all you need to heal from your nightmares. And perhaps you're also what he needs to make peace with his.

Your shaking subsided as your breathing stabilised. You raised your head and caught a glimpse of Sanemi's sweet smile. This part of him is for your eyes only, and you're happy with that.

"Your wound still hurts, doll?" You shook your head. Sanemi suddenly pulled you onto his lap and held your waist. "That's good to know. If you ever feel that again, always remember that I'm here, okay? I'll kill all those demons for you if that's what it takes."

You hummed, putting your hands over his shoulders. "Thank you, Sanemi. Thank you for being here."

"Of course. I love you."

That's the first time that you've heard those three words come from his mouth. His raspy voice and his loving smile made you blush. You'll say the world has stopped, but it already has since Sanemi started loving you back.

"I love you too. I'll do my best to take care of you too."

Sanemi bit his lip and pulled you closer. "Now kiss me." He said, and you happily obliged, pressing your lips gently onto his as he embraced you tighter.

"Y/N, you're mine."

"Always yours, Sanemi..."

You replied through the sloppy kisses, and you'll never know; perhaps it'll be more in a few blinks of an eye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆!

I hope you enjoyed this short fic as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Thank you so much for your request! And yes! I'll be writing a Kyojuro and Obanai fic for yah~ Totally appreciated this! ^^

Keep the requests going! Aside from X Reader, I also write Yaoi soooo~ BUT LET'S JUST FOCUS ON KNY BL IN CASE, FIRST!! XD

Feel free to comment and reblog this story~ Arigatou Gozaimasu!

~𝓒𝓱𝓲𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓾-𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷🌸

[lyrenminth]

Quiet love 3/?

The things went down from there. You avoided him more than ever while your grieved your friendship and your unrequited love. It was a big loss, so much that you asked money from your parents for a deposit. You contacted the external friend Lydia told you about, and she was looking for a roommate. Her name was Grace and she sounded kind by the phone. You didn't thought it was so bad. Since Justin was preparing for the games he was busy but you could tell he was avoiding you too and that hurt you even more. You stopped having dinner together and it was more like you hiding in your room or arriving late.

When you saw him, you were polite and distant.

The dynamic was killing you inside.

You started packing your things when Grace told you the previous roomate was leaving. You signed the lease to secure your exit. It was time to put your big girl pants.

One day your mom video called you, and she was worried.

"You don't feel comfortable in his house?" she asked.

"It's not that...I need my space. I can't be living in his house forever, mom" you explained. She bite her lip. "Please, respect my decisions"

"That's ok, but I don't want you to go homeless"

You laughed. "Don't worry about that"

"Holly wanted to talk to you" she lowered his voice. "She is worried about Justin"

You felt as if someone was throwing a bucket of cold water on you.

"Why?"

"Justin hasn't answer any calls or messages from anyone since a week ago. She didn't want to panic because the NFL is rough but that's a lot of time. And since you are living with him she wanted you to check on him" your mom explained. "Maybe the stress of the game is taking a toll on him"

You blinked. The Chargers weren't exactly winning but it wasn't that bad. They had a good record.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm going to check on him"

"And how you are doing, darling?"

You smiled through the pain.

"Good I like my new job" you started "And California is great, I meet..."

You told your mom everything about the courses and your discoveries, but you mind was on Justin.

When you finished the call, you sent him a message. He was traveling for an away game so it was less likely to answer you but you tried anyway.

Hello

Your mom is worried bout you.

Be a good son and send her a message pls

For your suprise, he replied within minutes. It was ten pm.

I'll do

Thank you

The three dots appeared, and you looked at the screen expecting something but after a couple of seconds it stopped. And you heart broke more.

Losing a friend fucking sucks.

***

On Sunday, Justin got injured during the game. So you were worried about him and decided to stay a couple of days just to see how he was doing. You told Grace and Lydia about delaying moving in.

You were doing a favor to Holly and Mark while they arrived to L.A. His manager, Ashley was in the house at times too. You met a lot of people from his world. Coaches, therapists and assistants.

You realize how important he was for the team.

They always looked at you in surprise then look at Justin like saying "Who's this chick?" it was uncomfortable, but he never told them you were his friend or his lover either. You were just Y/N.

You made him breakfast often. The doctor was optimistic about the injury, he could move and do many things, but he was grumpy most of the time. Being out of the game was one of the things he hated the most. You helped him to stand up and drive him to the facility for his therapy.

"If you need something send me a message" you said, he was in the kitchen eating breakfast.

"Thank you"

"You welcome"

His eyes were speaking but you couldn't decipher the words.

"The boxes...are you leaving?" he struggled to say.

Did he checked your room? Why? Why does he always act like he cares?

"Yeah, I found a nice aparment"

"I- well, were you comfortable here?" his expression was unreadable.

"Yes, thank you for letting me stay" you grabbed your bag and looked at the clock. "Ashley must be here at anytime. I should go to work, you can change your diaper yourself, right?" you joked.

The truth was the injury made you feel less angry with him. It didn't matter that he didn't want you back, you didn't like to see him suffer. He was still an important person in your life, no matter how painful was to look at him now.

And you promise in middle school to have each other's backs.

"Yes, I'm an expert now" he replied, following the joke. You lingered in your place for a couple of seconds, just to see if he said something, but nope. So you said goodbye and left the house.

When you arrive at noon, Holly and Mark were there. You were so happy to see them too.

"Oh, it is so nice to see you again" you hugged them, feeling relieved.

"Look at you" said Holly at your attire. A pencil skirt and a blazer, both in purple color "You look stunning"

That night you put your best act. Nobody could tell Justin and you weren't speaking to each other days ago. And you were glad to have more familiar faces around.

You were talking about your impressions of California, and Justin didn't speak so much. Maybe he wanted to rest since he looked tired.

"She found an apartment too" Justin added, and he sounded so bitter it made you frown.

Holly and Mark looked at you.

"Wow, it is expensive?" Mark asked.

"Not that expensive"

"Did Justin told you something?" Holly asked, looking at his son.

"Not, not at all. It was just time"

"I bet"

Justin was glaring at you, and you didn't understood why he was mad. Maybe he was feeling pain again. You didn't want to deal with his mood swings.

"You should go to sleep a little bit" you suggested, in a cold tone.

The rubbed his eyes and nodded.

"I'm tired" he sighed.

The mood shifted. You felt the tension in your spine and tried to rescue the night.

"Everyone must be tired" you said, standing up and picking up the plates. "You come from a long travel from Oregon" you said to Justin's parents "You better sleep a little bit"

His parents imitated you, but you noticed Mark side-eyed Justin with disapproval.

****

In the morning, you were preparing in your room for work when someone knocked your door.

It was Justin in all his splendor. Looking grumpy as ever.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure" you said without looking at him.

He got inside and closed the door.

"Are you parents up?" you asked, putting lipstick on in front of the mirror.

That morning you were feeling better. Justin's parents always put you in a good mood.

The boxes were still sealed in the corner of your room. When he didn't replied you turned around to look at him. He was fidgeting with the hem of his Nike shirt.

"Is everything alright?" you prompted.

"Yeah...no, no really" You tilted your head to one side, looking at him up and down. "I'm sorry"

The apology landed in a sore spot.

"For what?" you were using the profesional voice you use for clients. His behavior last night was unacceptable. Ridiculous.

"For lying to you" you frowned "I know, I've always know but I was scared and I'm so sorry for being a coward. And for last night too, I was a douche"

"W-what are you talking about?" you asked, referring to the first part of his speech.

"I like you...I like you since highschool or even before, I don't know" he admitted, quickly.

You stopped breathing for a second, your organs melting inside your body.

"Why did you tell me you weren't sure?" you were cautious. At first you didn't believe him, you needed to prevent any type of miscommunication.

"Because I was scared" he explained, walking three steps toward you only to stop suddenly. You didn't move an inch "I...my lifestyle makes me feel like I can't be in a relationship, I'm busy all the time. I don't want you to feel neglected. It's just that...I wasn't ready for the change"

You studied his words and expression, he sounded and looked sincere.

He got closer again, reaching for you like a giant lost kid.

"Are you ready for the change now?" you asked, not processing completely what was happening.

"Yes, yes I am" he touched your shoulder, and you noticed he was shaking slightly. Poor Justin.

You grinned, standing on your tiptoes to hug him carefully. He hug you back, hiding his face on the curve of your neck.

"Justin, do-do you like me?" you wanted to hear him once again. Only to know you weren't dreaming. You looked at him "Is this happening?"

"Yes, I like you"

"Why do you decide to tell me now?"

"My dad sensed something was off and talked to me" he said "I just needed to hear it from someone I trust"

"Hear what?"

"What I'm losing by letting you go"

"I'm going to say thank you to him" he laughed. His expression morphed into something serious, desire. His pretty green eyes scanned your face for a sign, his eyes lingered on your lips. A silent plea. You leaned forward, and he tilt his head only to brush his lips against yours. The warm of his lips sent a shiver down your spine, and you put your hand on his chest to steady yourself. You could feel how fast his heart was beating. The butterflies in your stomach fluttered aggressively.

He did it again, only to make sure you weren't running away. In the third, his pretty mouth landed on yours, and you opened your lips. Kissing Justin felt right all the way. He was careful at the beginning, but as the time pass you needed more. You tongue search for his, and he gave you all you wanted. You fist his shirt, dragging him down to your height.

"Oh my god!" Holly's voice startled you both. You separate, your cheeks burning red. You glance at Justin who was looking the same. "I-I made breakfast, guys" she said, hiding a smile.

"Thanks, mom" Justin said in the most causal tone he could gather.

"I'll wait for you in the kitchen"

When she was gone, you touched your lips. Justin had lipstick on his lips too. You laughed and he looked at you confused.

"You look good with that tone" you said, looking for a wipe. He looked in your mirror and frowned. You gave him the wipe so he could clean himself.

The breakfast was kinda uncomfortable. Holly was trying to act cool, but you were nervous.

"Are you guys dating?" Mark asked, by looking at your face.

"Yes" Justin said, eating bacon.

His answer made you happy. Was this really happening? He sounded so confident about it.

"About time! I'm calling your mom!' announced Holly only to be stopped by Mark.

You knew your mom made some gestures toward Justin indicating her likeness for him as your partner, but you never expect Holly to like you too.

It was heart-warming.

"Once Justin is recovered you should go to the games, using his number and everything" Holly suggested. You were at some games before, wearing the colors of the team, but never official merchandise (you weren't the most fan) but the idea of being there as his partner was terrifying and exciting at the same time.

Justin looked at you with warmness in his eyes. And you swore he was the most beautiful man in the world.

The idea of dating him was the best.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

CW: panic attack, disease

Sandra’s last chapter started... 🌼😞

The next day I went to Sandra to pick up Liam. S. was the middle of moving. She asked me to take care of her little one. Before I went to her, I was in the hospital. My doc called me. He wanted to examine me again. It was about my blood levels. My leukocytes were elevated and since I was pregnant, he was a bit worried.

Though this was nothing new to me (my elevated Leukos), I was still scared as hell, when I got the call from the hospital. I was so terrified, that I got a panic attack.

Sandra: Did you have enough money for the cab? Why didn’t you call your parents to get you, or Daniel?

Me: Daniel has an appointment. I called my Mom. But it would have taken too long to wait for her. She was on the phone with me during the whole ride to distract me. She was so worried, it made me even more nervous, so I called you. And of course I had money with me.

Sandra: Now you're here & safe. You don’t have to be afraid, A.! Everything will be fine! Just continue to take those deep breaths..... Come, lay down on the couch.

Me: ..... Sorry S., but now I just don't want to be hugged. Pls don’t stress me!!

Sandra: Okay, I leave you alone. I won’t touch you, A... Try to relax.

Me: Thanks S.... Tell me something. What’s Liam doing?

Sandra: He’s asleep, but he’ll wake up soon. Yk, if this gets too much for you today with Liam, I can ask my Mom, or I take him with me? I just thought it would be good for you and Daniel to spend a day alone with Liam. Kind of.... a test.

Me: Daniel is good with Babies. Liam loves him. But you’re right! Now that I’m pregnant.... Let’s see, if Daniel even wants to take care of a Baby with me.

Sandra: I trust Daniel and you anyway. Is everything ok with you two? He seemed so quiet the other day.

Me: I slept with him last night. But.... agh, Idk? He's been so cold to me, this morning. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it.

Sandra: Okay then.... tell me how your check up was? Why do you worry sm?

Me: Same damn issue as always.... My doc wanted to examine me more closely. He did an ultrasound to see if any white blood cells had accumulated in my organs. They’ll call me as soon as they get the results. But my Baby's fine. He told me not to worry.

Sandra: I know you’re terrified of being seriously ill. But you’re fine, A.! Your Baby is fine too, you just have to do something about your panic attacks. Did you take your pills?

Me: Yes! But I know why I got a panic attack. I’ve been thinking too much about the shit Irma told me six months ago. Daniel saw her. And just this morning, I also got that call from my doc. Right after D. told me about Irma that weirdo. You know?

As Sandra and I kept talking, the doorbell rang. Sandra told me she met a nice guy. He was her new neighbor. They met in that building/house, where her new apartment was. She liked him. He offered to help Sandra with the move, so he came by today.

While Sandra opened the door to her new neighbor, I walked over to Liam’s nursery. The little one woke up, but was still a bit tired. I stroked his head and smiled at him. As soon as Liam noticed me, he stretched out his arms, to take him out of his crib. So cute. Together we went back to the living room, where I put Liam in his high chair. At that moment Sandra’s new neighbor entered her apartment.

As I turned around, I saw a tall, young man standing in front of Sandra. While I was waiting for S. to introduce me to him, I noticed how she looked at him.  It was obvious, Sandra had a crush on that guy. Hm?... Ok, I got it! S. wanted to be alone with him. That’s why she needed me as a babysitter.

All right, then it's time for me to call Daniel to pick me & Liam up. I texted him. He’ll be there in a few minutes, but before Liam & I left, Sandra of course introduced me to her new... friend?

Sandra: That’s the...... nice guy, I told you about. Dario. He helps me with wallpapering and building up some furniture.

Me: Hey, D.! I'm Aleksa. Nice to meet you.

Dario: Hi!

Me: Um, well! You two are busy today. Can you please pack Liam’s things, S.? Daniel's already down there waiting for us.

Sandra: It's all done. I just have to get his sleeping bag. But we’ll help you carry his stuff in the car.

Me: C'mon sweetie! Uncle Danny’s waiting for you.

I didn’t talk much to Sandra’s new friend that day. From the first impression he seemed okay, but.....no! This guy’s gonna be S.’s worst nightmare, her..... end.😞 Some of you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, rn I don’t want to say more about him. At first everything seemed perfect. They were both in love and happy with each other, for almost 2 years. But unfortunately this guy was..... a psycho. 😔😢

And Daniel, he didn’t know Liam was gonna stay with us. But somehow D. knew, that I wanted to.... test him, to see if he could take care of a Baby with me. Well, let's see... 😬

Previous/Next

[kyriefae]

*This is a TL;DR maybe trauma dump kinda post so fair warning. 😉

I have been no-contact with my parents for about a year and a half now. I'd say in that time I've found peace I wasn't affording myself before and I hadn't consciously been able to figure out why. I held on to a sense of guilt and obligation they imbedded in me; indoctrinated into my brain.

I let them go at the age of 32.

I let them know my reasoning but I also note on here a very important thing they were and will likely never know: they don't know I'm nonbinary and they don't know I'm bisexual.

Their acceptance isn't something I crave because I have long since lost it. I've grieved it's loss a thousand times over; many sleepless, tear-filled nights wore away at the desire to feel their acceptance like rain to stone.

It started with "Mom, Dad...I'm not Catholic" at 16 and snowballed from there. The amount of therapists and counselors and priests they sent me to and the sheer distance emotionally they created with me had profoundly negative consequences on our relationship. Not to mention the heightened sense of awareness I began to note as to how much they wondered or cared about my preferences or my day or my thoughts on things. They established a power dynamic and believed they could throw money at the problem; but their "problem" was me. A non-dogmatic child.

I say all of this to build at least a semblance of context around the significance that a couple of days ago, I re-downloaded the book of faces to my phone. I generally don't care to use the app but friends of mine remain connected through messenger. Anyway, my mother reblogged the prototypical Christian supremacy thought line on the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Specifically the part where she and so many other people, fueled through hatred, see a drag showcase of the Feast of Dionysus and think of it as an abomination unto her lord.

...

It's a quiet pain.

Quiet because I expected as much but I know now I was correct. Correct to preserve myself. To look after my own safety; to walk away.

...if she'd heard her youngest child who staunchly accepts agnosticism is ALSO "one of those queers" well ...she'd have a downright panic attack. The phone calls I would receive alone would send me into a spiral. Instead...I know where I stand. I know where she and my father and my siblings stand.

Over there in their echo chamber of heteronormative, god-fearing obligations, duties, and restrictions. Atop their pedestals looking down upon the rest of us that live our lives in every other sort of manner.

While I'm over here. Loving the beauty that exists out there in the world and genuinely moved by what I've been seeing these Olympics. Especially the opening ceremony.

Gojira!? Are you kidding me? I fucking love them. Whales are in the sky!

If you've read this much, know that I'm sending you the positive vibes I plan to instill in my day. You're included and you're valid. 💞

Kisses.

[kim-ruzek]

Any headcanons about your fave characters and ships you want to share? 🙂🙂

Why is it ALWAYS the way that whenever I get asked this, I seem to immediately forget all my headcanons? I love talking about my headcanons and I always want to have the opportunity to share them, but each and every time my mind panics and forgets them.

I've thought this over for a couple days and been casually writing up my answer but I don't think I'm going to remember much else that I've already written, or that I don't want to share because I hate feeling like people are Judging me (those headcanons are for Cíara's ears only apparently lol).

I've spent an awful amount of time thinking about Kim, so all of these will be around her. And some of these are ones that are shared/developed with Cíara.

Because I've always got a soft spot for lingess' friendship: Erin and Kim are still friends, and still keep in touch. If they ever see each other in person, it has to be Kim visiting her in New York, which she has, albeit not very much due to both of their works. Kim hasn't managed to go to see her since at least 2019, though. I have more headcanons about this but I'll keep it just as this.

I've talked about this one before and to my ire canon keeps trying to make this seem less and less likely for me to pretend is canon lol - Sylvie and Kim are close friends. They try to have a girls night and they originally bonded over having failed engagements. As an extension of this, which is one that came from Cíara, girls' night usually consists of Sylvie, Kim and Severide.

Zoe, Kim's niece, was born when Kim was 17. As per canon, Kim was kind of a nightmare as a teen, so I headcanon that Zoe's birth is what grounded her more, because Zoe deserved an aunt.

These ones changes occasionally depending how I feel and what works best for my fic usually, but Kim graduated at 17, not 18 and/or for a year or so, she primarily actually lived with her sister and her husband because she didn't want to be at home. Her BIL was never much a fan of this.

Kim knew she wanted to be a cop from when she was at least in her teens, but she then got some doubts when she was waiting to be of the age requirement - and she had always loved flying and being a flight attendant, she really fell in love with it. She had applied for the academy but while she was waiting to get in, she had doubts about whether or not she'll actually do it. Then one day at work, there was trouble and she helped in taking down the troublemaker and the rush she got convinced her being a cop was her calling.

Some of her pilot friends were sort of disappointed at this because they were trying to convince her to become a pilot/go back to uni and do something in aviation.

Her flight attendant friends never really understood why she wanted to be a cop, and especially after the (first) shooting, they drifted apart because they just weren't the same people.

Kim and her mom no longer talk, and while their relationship had always been rocky, Kim stopped putting in the effort after the engagement fell apart because even though Adam didn't meet her, Kim couldn't get over that her mom only being in town one night made the situation that much worse. Her mother's opinions on the failed engagement, then especially when she made intelligence sealed that.

Kim hates being beholden to her family's money so she, since getting into adulthood, has steadfastly refused to accept any and all money from them.

She had cousins in another state who while didn't have as much money as Kim's side did, had loving parents and Kim growing up was always very envious.

Kim hates talking about her past, even with Adam. As a result, especially now she's more open with him, they'll be little, relatively minor, bits of information that she forgets she never told Adam and some of these will be things she has told Kev and she'll bring these information up around Adam only to learn, no he didn't know that. Kev finds it amusing.

Kim paints.

Kim dreads the day Mack will one day ask about Kim's own parents, especially her father who, after her parents' divorce, none of Kim's family speak to.

Trudy and Kim has bonded together over trashy romance novels and will routinely recommend each other ones. This started after the first engagement fell through.

Kim still keeps somewhat in touch with Meredith and Michelle.

Adam's sister doesn't like Kim, and never has. His mom feels similarly but less confrontational.

Kim feels similar towards them, although she is always a little sad because growing up, she dreamt that one day she'll get the family she wanted in the form of her in-laws.

I think that's all I have for now, but I hope you enjoyed reading them. I have a lot more when they came from!

Thank you for asking! :)

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

The Tower & The Hanged Man

I love tarot so I sent my faves <:

═══ TAROT/ARCANA HEADCANONS ═══

𝔸ℂ𝕋𝕌𝔸𝕃 ℝ𝕆𝔹𝕀ℕ 𝕃𝕆ℝ𝔼 𝔹𝔼𝕃𝕆𝕎

12.  the hanged man  :  how open is your muse to new opportunities? do they constantly look for them or do they simply take whatever comes their way?

---Robin is a mixed bag, he was much more eager to form new opportunities when he was younger as the academy encouraged it along with his parents. He was VERY heavily involved in making Zaun more independent and was actually researching for a way to bring clean air to his city. However after being cast into the woods of Ionia and his revival, I don't think he really looks for them anymore and simply allows whatever falls into his lap (quite a few of your muses, all you on dash). I don't think he has the same amount of plucky that he did in his youth, and before he started to ever so slightly get affected by his loneliness.

16.  the tower  :  what event drastically changed your muse’s life ? do they resent that event or are they glad of it ?

---I know I've discussed very vaguely about Robin's past and what actually occured to make him do down such a path that he did, BUT - I'm not sure I've ever just flat out SAID what happened instead of alluding to it. SO HERE COMES YOUR ROBIN LORE DROP, ITS FRESH ITS HOT ITS READY FOR ANGST:

Anyways, one of the biggest events in Robin's life was when he was 15, he had just been accepted into the academy in Piltover and was working his ass off to keep a scholarship (in some threads with arcane peeps its been said that Robin seemed to have been spawned there since he's been at the academy for so long). So this caused him to work very late and often neglect his family/not be home very often since he was often working to try and fund the house. Given that he lived in Zaun, closer to the Sump level as well, his family had very little money to spare to use for repairs on the house etc, this resulted in one faulty pipe during the evening while Robin was at the academy.

I'll just put the lore here because I don't want to link it:

"Mom! I'm home!" He called over the cars outside, shutting the door to the busy street behind him only to be met with a strange silence. Robin cocked a brow and pulled off his jacket, laughing somewhat nervously. "Ma?" He exclaimed again, hanging his coat and scarf, sliding out of his shoes and placing them on the stand. He racked his brain for a moment, finally checking his pocketwatch to verify the time, 10:23am. Did they go out? Maybe food shopping...but didn't they just go last week? Robin couldn't help the strange sinking feeling that was slowly growing in his stomach as he walked down the hall, peeking around to the living room and dining room. "Hellooo? Anyone home?" But once again he was met with silence, the only sound to answer him was the creaking under his socked feet. He sighed and shook his head, eventually coming towards the kitchen where he stopped midstep. He could hear the faucet still on and the swing door of the kitchen was open. Not by much but...it was pushed out maybe by 4 or so inches, a puddle of what he assumed to be water was peeking out from the crack. He couldn't explain the way every hair follicle on his arm began to stand at attention when he opened the door slightly with a raised eyebrow, his gaze scanning to see no one there. Robin peered downward and saw the shattered glass, trailing it back to the hand that had been previously holding it. "WREN?!" Robin slammed the door open, nearly slipping on the water as he skidded down to his knees to pick up his little brother's head, checking for injuries before he saw the wide, blank eyes staring back at him. Wren's mouth hung open with foam on either side and his face was a sickly shade of greenish purple. Panic set in and he wiped his mouth, feeling for a pulse and setting him down on the floor, holding his brother's nose and breathing air into him. "Wren--Wren--" He gasped each time, listening to his heart before he pulled him up into his arms, now very aware of the distinct hissing sound that came from the stairwell leading down into the basement. Terror turned into a vice grip. "LINNY? MO-MOM?!" He shrieked, slipping slightly on the wet floor as he started to carry his brother down the hall, his heart pounding in his ears like a warning signal to get out. To run--but he couldn't listen. "DAD?!" He shrieked, kicking open the door to Linnet's room, the light from the hall pouring in as he scurried inside, laying Wren down and turned his sister over by her shoulder. Closed eyes and mouth. Her body was slack and he fell backwards, cupping his mouth in horror as he screamed, scrambling back only to smack his spine against the frame of the door. His voice turned harsh and gruff from the volume and he scrambled to his feet again, nearly smacking into the wall within his own confusion. The wave of dizziness hit him as he stared back into his parent's room, a wave of cloudiness washing over him before he covered his mouth and began to violently cough into his palm. He pulled away his hand only for saliva to splatter onto the hardwood underneath him, the room beginning to spin as his lungs filled with more and more of the leaked toxin. He closed his eyes tight and listened for the sound of traffic, catching onto a carhorn blaring from outside and he followed it, feeling his way as his eyes began to burn. Eventually he peeked his bleary eyes open to find the door handle, shoving it open to trip down the concrete steps onto the sidewalk as he gasped for air. He turned onto his side with a convulsive wheeze, raspy croaks filling his ears before it turned into wet gargling. Robin held his sides tightly as he spat up vomit, foam and saliva, tears riddling his vision. A few strangers approached him cautiously, one trying to give him water but he was in too much of a panic to take it, his cries swirled and merged with the traffic of the street.   On a pole nearby, a crow took note of him.

Needless to say this was the first step of what would eventually lead to Robin's downfall...and yes, everyday, without doubt, he wishes it had never happened.

[thedressagedraft]

Probably Childfree

This is a thought dump.

Something that I have kind of come to accept recently is that I am not going to have children. It's not that I don't like kids, quite opposite really - I was a teacher and currently work in the youth department of a library. And I also know that I would be a great mom and my husband a wonderful dad.

But it's not what I want to do. I don't want to give up my free time, my money, my identity for someone who I will be connected to for the rest of my life. It's not just 18 years, it truly is the rest of life.

Every time my period is late I panic - never once have I thought "maybe I'm pregnant" and felt happy about it. I take pregnancy tests randomly just to make sure I don't have a surprise pregnancy bc I would want to terminate as early as possible.

It's odd. I have always been on the fence. When I was younger and in college I thought I'd probably like to have kids one day, maybe adopt since labor didn't sound great, but I didn't feel a need to be a mother. And when I met my husband we were both kind of on the fence, kids were a "maybe someday but we're in no hurry" kind of thing. But as I've gotten older I've leaned farther and farther to childfree.

There is just not enough of parenting that sounds enticing to me. Sure there are some things that would be nice. But dealing with the poor sleep, constant supervision, constant entertainment - and thats just while they're younger, the thought of dealing with an angsty or rebellios teen gets my heart racing. Taking on the mental load of raising a human. And I know that would fall on me, even though my husband has always been on board for 50/50 parenting. It just falls onto the mother. I already carry it for our animals and I just know it would be so much more for a human.

The reason I say accept is because I have been on the fence for so long. I'll lean one way and then the other. But at some point you just have to decide, and considering everything that I don't want to give up in my and my husband's lives, not to mention that I would never want to be pregnant in a red state (which we'll probably be in for the forseeable future), I just have to say I've decided and land on the side of childfree. In some ways it is sad and I'm kind of going through the thoughts of things I never will do by making this choice. But I'd much rather regret not having them than regret having them.

One other thing I've had to accept is that my decision could destroy my relationship with my husband, my one true person. He has always leaned more toward kids as we've gotten older. We've had many talks about it, and he's always assured he would never force pregnancy on me nor expect me to be pregnant in Texas, and that while he would like to be a dad, he would be able to feel happy and fulfilled in a life with just the two of us and our animals. And it comforts me but I still can't help worrying that he could come to resent me. I hope we can live as the fun aunt and uncle and that will be enough.

Ugh. Personal post is personal. Thanks for reading.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Soooo......I'm in trouble.

My depression has always been bad, but I've always been able to push through it and go to work, take care of business, etc... Always the "high functioning depression" person.

And yet, here I find myself, feeling woefully unable to do anything when I honestly need to be do EVERYTHING. So much has happened in the past couple of months from my mom officially moving in with (until she inevitably changes her mind again), to her getting a divorce, to my dad having an open heart triple bypass with me being the only one to comfort him, to my own health seemingly tanking.

And I feel just paralyzed by everything; wholly unable to function. And while I've felt like that multiple times, now I feel it's really true.

I've missed the majority of work this month, because of my dad, but also just because I feel like I can't do it. I'd literally get up, get washed and dressed, and just feel my mind and body shutting down like I can't move... At this point, I'm seriously worried about being fired.....which would not be good since I not only have bills that I have to pay 100% alone, but my dad and mom also depend on me financially. But, I'm not kidding when I say, I just can't do it...

I went to work yesterday and while I usually will more ok once I go in, I just felt god awful the entire time both mentally and physically. I never thought I'd wind up to be one of those people who is so depressed that they literally can't leave the house or take basic care of themselves, but.....I feel like that's where I am now.....and at the WORST possible time.

I've been contemplating a medical leave pretty much all year, but have avoided due to money, but now I feel I have no choice.

However, I've had no luck so far and my last chance is this Tuesday and I PRAY my psychiatrist approves and signs the paperwork because.....I don't fucking know what else to do at this point...

I once again got told last week during a panic attack how strong I was. Well, not only do I not want to have to constantly be strong, I also just can't anymore. And as many people as I have in my life who love me, this is ultimately something I have to deal with completely alone. My friends have lives of their own and I can't rely on my parents for various reasons. So....

[michinmari]

Job hunting past 40

This is the first time I've ever been without a job since I joined the workforce when I was 21. I've always just resigned, but did the responsible thing by already having a job lined up BEFORE tendering my resignation.

So imagine my surprise (sort of, but I could already see the writing on the wall) when I got called in for a quick meeting BEFORE my shift started and was told that due to the restructuring that the company was doing, my position has now been made redundant.

Was I angry? No. Like I said, writing on the wall and all that. Was I resentful? Not at all.

And you know what made me not feel all of that? Certainly not because I'm an emotionally mature person. Because while I may have been a legal adult for now much longer than I was a child, emotionally maturity was never my forte. But that's a different topic for a different post.

Going back: It was because immediately after they told me I was going to lose my job, they also told me just how much I was going to receive for my severance pay.

Typically, at least in the Philippines, a severance pay consists of a month's pay for every year of service. If, at the time of your leaving your job through reasons that entitle you to a severance, you've been in service for 1 year and 6 months, then they'll count your service as 2 years therefore you are entitled to 2 months of severance pay.

I was with the company for 9 years and 2 months, so I should have received 9 months' worth of my salary. However, my company decided to give me my entire year's salary. And since the separation was through no fault of my own and was beyond my control, it's non-taxable. They also gave me what would have been my bonus for next year. I expected it to be pro-rated since I'd only worked until July 7, but they paid me the full bonus for the entire year, as well as my 13th month pay -- that was pro-rated.

They also gave me the cash amount of the medical insurance that they had already paid for me. And as the cherry on top of the icing, I was told that my last day would be June 7, the Friday of the week I was told. However, my official termination date was on July 7. And that I would still be paid for the entire month -- that I did not work. A month's vacation -- paid!

I'm not saying all of that to brag. I'm saying that to maybe underscore why I'm not upset that I'm jobless for the first time at 41.

But I'm also low-level terrified. I'm not good with changes. And this is a BIG change. A lot of things have... well, CHANGED since that last time I went job hunting. A lot of the jobs I'm seeing now are social media related. I don't know how to do that -- for other people. My social media activity over the last 3 years consists of lurking on TikTok while saving videos I like. I understand the words "analytics" but have never used it in practice.

So now I'm job hunting. The only saving grace I have is that I'm not on panic mode because A) I have money -- I have not gone insane with the spending and I'm quite proud of myself that I didn't blow through the entire thing -- and B) I've moved back home with my mom. Rent's pretty low here in Dumaguete and she told me I don't have to pay for anything but myself. So I pay my own bills and indulgences, and sometimes I pay for groceries. I've only been here less than two months, but I think our set up is working.

That's the other thing I was kind of apprehensive about -- living with my mother full time. You see, I went to university in Manila and only came home for the holidays. Sometimes I would stay in Manila for summer to either take summer classes or just go on vacation with my friends -- with parents' blessing and a bit of pocket money. So that meant that from age 17 to up until September 2023, I essentially lived alone.

Also, I'm an only child. I'm used to being alone. I LOVE being alone. I used to say that I have no gene for loneliness. I honestly don't know what being lonely feels like.

So now it's going to be a bit of an adjustment. But for now, it's all good.

Going back to what this is supposed to be about: job hunting at 41. It's been... challenging. Mostly because I no longer want to go back to an office set up. And through luck, my ability to really shine during interviews (it's a superpower) and a bit of smarts, I have reached a certain salary band that isn't exactly welcomed by employers here in the Philippines.

Before you say "Then find remote jobs based in the States!" You mean freelancing? Nothing against it, but I want the trappings of insurance, tax payments and all that other stuff to be done by another department. I don't want to have to DIY it. I can do it with arts & crafts, but not when it comes to money.

So here I am, pecking away at my keyboard, still job hunting and possibly lowering my salary expectations. I've been jobless for more than two months now, and I'm getting antsy. So antsy that I may have overextended myself by signing up for 3 language classes back to back on a Saturday and 2 graduate-level classes -- all online.

And that's where I currently am.

Or was. I started this post last year and after I put this draft away, I got a job — two months after I applied for it. The pay is HALF of what I used to receive, but I'm okay with that. It's enough for my bills (and the ones I volunteered to pay at my mom's house: electricity, water, internet and grocery twice a month) and my occasional online shopping.

It's also the kind of job I thought I would be good at and would never stress about: writing.

You see, my undergraduate degree was in Comparative Literature. I know, I know. Not a job that guarantees employment, but I knew I wouldn't be miserable. In fact, it was the one thing I knew I'd excel at: reading and writing about what I read.

You'd think this job would be a no-brainer for me. And most days, it is. Until you consider the fact that I write for an audience. This was never something I had to factor in when I used to write in school. I didn't even factor in what my thesis advisor thought.

But in the age of social media, the audience is key. And I don't think I'm getting through. I'm not very good with click-baity headlines — which I know are necessary to hook some readers' attention.

And I'm struggling. Not drowning, but just struggling.

This is a new feeling for me. I was in a management position for 9 years. The only thing I struggled with were people and meetings with people. But I quickly developed a work-around. And it was easy because I was the manager. All I needed to do was make sure people understood the expectations of the job, that we were all on the same page, they had the training to do the job and then get out of their way. I made sure they knew they could come to me if they had any questions.

Luckily, I hired very competent people. They only really asked for meetings when it comes to PTOs (paid time off). And as for meetings? There are also ways around that. If you ever worked a corporate job and had to attend meetings that really should have been emails, you know what those work-arounds are.

And I was paid really well. I had health insurance — which, luckily I never used for myself. My parents, though? My mother had two back-to-back surgeries that would have cost her about PhP1 million. Her out-of-pocket expenses? Almost zero, thanks to my insurance.

Now, that's gone. This is the first time I get nervous whenever I hear my mother complain about an ailment. Because I know I can't help much.

But we're straying way too far when it comes to the point that I originally was trying to make: job hunting in your 40s.

It's hard. There. That's it.

It's hard because you have the experience, but the positions and the salaries just don't match your expectations.

If you REALLY want a job, it's not a problem if you just get one that you know how to do just so you can have something to do and an income.

That's what I did. I didn't want a huge gap between the day I left my company and a new job.

Even though I have an okay-paying job now, I still applied on job portals every day. I mean that: every single day.

I've had a handful of interviews. Some have ghosted me — my first ever experience of that. Some have gotten back to me with such a low offer that it wasn't even worth pursuing any more.

Anyway, I'm just writing here with advice — if you want it.

First, try not to fall into a pit of despair. It won't be easy because as my friend Luis pointed out to me, I had made my job and my position (and my salary) a big part of my identity. It's hard not to do that since I had all that for 9 years.

Second, start dusting off your resume and log back in to all the job portals you can find.

Third, start searching. Then start applying.

Fourth, companies take their time now. Even if they do say "urgent hiring," there's still a lot of steps. Learn how to be patient.

Fifth, decide whether you want a job — any job just to tide you over — or a job you want. If you're lucky, like I was, you have a financial buffer. If you don't, then you have to decide whether the one being offered is worth it (financially or otherwise) or if you think you can wait for a better one to come.

I'm sorry if that's not helpful. But it's a difficult job market. If you're like me: in your 40s and stayed so long in one company and one position, and never bothered to learn new things like social media marketing (which is all the rage now), it's going to be even more difficult.

The job market has changed so drastically now, especially after the pandemic. Some companies seem to want you to audition now — complete with a video introducing yourself and why you want the job you're applying for.

At first that appealed to the delusional wanna-be celebrity in me. After, it was just exhausting. Before I left my previous job, I'd been working from home and never really wore make up and dressed up any more.

Now I had to make sure the lighting was right and that my script wasn't too formal nor too informal. It's like creating a YouTube video — which I tried, but only for personal stuff.

You'll need to learn how to do all these new things now. And don't get me started on AI. That's a whole 'nother topic.

BUT... there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. You WILL find a job. You WILL get a job.

Like I said, it's a matter of choice. Do you want a job? Any job that pays the bills? Or do you want a job you want?

The second one's trickier because you'll need to be financially secure because that's going to be quite a wait.

Right now, I'm still at my writing job. I enjoy it most days — especially if I don't think about the audience. Or my now-frequent use of the word 'bonkers.'

But I'm still applying. I get interviews once every two weeks. None have panned out yet. But I'm still hopeful.

[darthaddock]

Chapter 1: Nyx

“Seriously? You're a random?”

It's the question I get anytime I get to know someone. They always ask how I was modified, and then they ask if I'm seriously a random. It may sound weird, but just about everyone is genetically modified before they're born by their parents. IQ boost, stronger muscles, healthier skin, you name it, they got it. That's the slogan anyway, the geneticists make trillions modifying babies for families, and they'll do anything to meet the parent's demands.

Me on the other hand, I was born naturally; that is, without genetic modification. Hence me being called a random. No one knew how I might even remotely turn out so far that I know, and if I was genetically modified, I was never told anything about it. I'm also a bit of a paper geek, or that's what they'll call me. Most everything is digital nowadays, but I've always preferred the feel of a paper book.

I'm going to be honest, I don't know where I fit in if at all. I have no friends, I'm too different for that, and no one even wants to even look at me. It's like if they so much as acknowledge the fact I even exist unless they intend to bully me the world is going to immediately end. I've gotten used to it though. It actually comes pretty quick when that's the only way you've been treated since the age of ten. Sometimes I actually think little kids have something that people just lose as they grow up. But with all the dictionaries being revised almost weekly, a word to explain it may be here today and gone tomorrow just to come back the very next day with a completely different meaning than before.

I don't know why, but I've always felt drawn to disaster and chaos. There's something about watching people that I know either have or would have mocked and shunned me, panic for their lives and suffer while I sit at a safe distance. Am I a psychopath? I might be. I've never been diagnosed with anything. But I also don't have the means to go find out. Besides, even if I knew I was, there's no way I'd be able to get meds to treat it even if I had the money to. It's an unspoken portion of the American slogan: Land of the free, home of the brave, but ALWAYS exclude the randoms. What happened to the “unalienable rights endowed to us by our creator”? Oh right, I'm a random, I have minimal rights if I'm lucky.

My parents died in a car accident when I was three. And people will tell me “go get your mommy and daddy, Phoenix” knowing that full well. I've thought about running away. But where would I even run to? The orphanage is basically a maximum security prison, and it's not like things will be better if I do. It'll be the same old story I've been given for the past five years. It's not going to just change overnight. Nothing ever does, except for the dictionaries.

But that was just my life: being publicly shunned while I barely scraped along to keep myself remotely fed. I had learned early on to not trust anyone, because at the time, it could have easily been the factor that decides life or death. I never knew what fate had in store for me. But I was along for the ride whether I liked it or not.

[blustering-old-fool]

Ooc Vent : all over

I know I'm not a perfect person and I'm very antisocial outside of people I am comfortable with. To go out into public I have to take my anti anxiety meds just to keep from having a panic attack. I had a severe one new years last year just for my parents to realize how bad it was. In the 26 years I've been alive it proved what was happening to me was real but

Now it's been forgotten even after reminders of. I don't like going out in public and I don't like being forced to go places. Apparently my life is measured by how many times I go out in public and post online with 'friends' to live life.

I've tried to have a relationship with my dad, I have. To others I guess it could look like it from the outside but. I've asked him to show me how to do things, just hang out or small stuff or help them when they(the parents) ask. But when I do, it's pushed off to go get car parts in time to get back to their house for me to drive off cause I have work in the morning. Having to put up with constant nick names getting made fun of for the way I talk. Or pictures they edit of me. (I've asked them to stop but it didnt)

To passive aggressive comments or simply not even going and doing things I had planned with them already. So I gave up, I haven't asked for help- money anything from them since the beginning of november.

I asked my dad to take me take me to a concealed carry class to know how to properly use a fire arm because we live in a bad neighbor hood and weeks earlier my sister truck was broken into. But when the day came for us to go it was forgotten and pushed asside for car stuff.

I lost then started a new job and I wanted to know how to weld so I asked him to show me since he had a welder. He agreed and I showed up a 'quick car ride' to pick something up turned to two hours sitting in a car with my mother while he bullshitted with some stranger from Facebook market place about calidascopes and magazines. In time for me to go home to go to bed and go to work the next morning.

I haven't asked for help looking at this truck I'm buying from a co worker because I trust him and (for this story his names j) j started the same time as I did and has done nothing but help and show me how to do things and been patient with me because I will admit I don't know jack about the field I'm in so I'm willing to learn. And he's offered his shop for me to come up and work on the same truck and show me how to replace the drum breaks on it because I don't have those sort of tools avaliable.

Recently before I left for Florida my parents asked my sister and I to help put up a new board around the garage roof edge and we agreed because they're our parents. When doing it (in front of my sisters girlfriend) my dad got angry and started screaming at all of us because we didn't know what we were doing and he wasn't communicating. I had to walk away because I'm a baby I guess and started crying. My mother told me I just needed to let things go and went back out after we had calmed down.

I don't know what to do I'm stuck in a repetitive self loathing loop. I'm sitting here sobbing as I write this

[lolimsofuckedup-nm]

Abuse / Persecution / politic shit / Vent / cry-for-help kinda trigger alert (?

•

Idk where to start, but here we go...

I joined in a volunteer program in the uk that helped me get out my country (Venezuela, a small Latin American one that's fucking going down, you'll know if you're into politics or anything probably) two months ago, with the hope to apply for an asylum just like a friend of mine did three years ago or so

But the thing is, even tho i complain every day of how life was back there, I've feared death too many times, I've lived in the must insecure ways possible, I've give up bc of how imposible it is to live there even tho i was breaking my ass in more than three different jobs at the time while still trying to study something even tho i had no money or support from my family to get into a university, and my high school fucked up my documents to apply for a public one, and the sistem of the country doesn't gives a fuck to fix things when it comes to documentation if you're not a government active supporter, the house i lived in with my aunties is literally sinking down on a whole in the ground because of a Natural Disaster that nobody seemed to care about taking in control (Wich means is going to get worst this month with the rain season starting again for 6 months)... And well, a very very long etcetera of things

Even tho i consciously know all of this, when i just read in the uk government page the requirements for applying for the asylum “To stay in the UK as a refugee you must be unable to live safely in any part of your own country because you fear persecution there.” all of the misery in life I've been put through bc I don't support a political party (mustly bc its nonsense but also bc I've been underage for must part of my life, cmon I'm on my very early 20's), seems suddenly so invalid and small to me.

And then memories keep popping up on my mind, like when for weeks this motorcycle guys with guns and bombs tryed to get into my house when I was like 16 and all my mom and i could do was turn off all the lights and block the front doors with all the furniture we had at home, just because there was people protesting against the dictator president, so he just sent bunches of those dudes to make chaos and kill and steal on the suburbs to get protestings out the streets.

Or the time when we got caught in the car on the way back home from secondary school, because the police was persecuting the students that were protesting to ""arrest them"", but then the next day mothers all over the neighborhood were crying over their murdered young sons or tortured and raped young daughters. My mom didn't even let me go to school again for a month, get out to the garden; literally not even be on the room of the house with big windows, and she was not the only mother worried about their kids in the country, all of us as a big community were scared.

Or all the many, many calls I've got since I was 12 or so about kidnapping threats or trys, just bc I have a cousin and aunt that actively works on the political party against the government. When I was 18 I got persecuted on a van after some calls faking my mom's identity, and even tho luckily for me there were some men walking down the street that figured out what was happening and approached and helped me get home (wich was scary too, because I didn't know them and the whole situation was making me feel small and insecure already), i got panic attacks for two months every time I even thought of going out of my house to the bakery one block away.

And those only had to be with the hard way of living for any other venezuelan in the country, but then I have this fucked up clown of a parent that acts so cool in front of everyone, but it's been persecuting me or any of my siblings in the must creepy kind of ways every time we decide for our own sake to get away from him . And I'm not talking just about an over-strict parent. I'm not talking about a jerk kind of a parent. It's a motherfucker abuser that did nothing through all the years of suffering my older mid-brother (fuck it, I'm calling him my brother anyways) had to go through bc his mother is a crazy bitch that tied him up to beat him in ways in cannot even describe without losing my shit. Or all the beat ups i had as a child, some of them till I bleeded, because of stupid little things like spilling my juice on the table, or not knowing how to properly write the letter "R" in fucking first year of primary school, and so on. Or humiliating and degrading my sister for being homo. Or manipulating me to talk to him through not giving us food for weeks, but giving my sister the best giant pizzas and banana's splits so I could "learn my lesson" and stop being a brat like my older brothers, one of them running away from home twice to avoid killing himself bc of not being able to handle our fucked up family anymore. And all just bc I was to scared to fucking talk to a person that's a sexual abuser, even tho nobody else in the family (as long as I know) knows this for a fact, even tho everybody just look somewhere else when he does the fucking inappropriate sexual jokes about my little 11 y/o cousin's body, or tries to have girlfriends as close as his fucking daughter's ager, or goes out of boundaries with my brother's partner. And I'm the one that's wrong for facing him and only talking to him on those moments to tell him to stop doing those fucked up things.

And being happy and sad at the same time when he left the country to persecute my brother to fucking Peru, the country he had to go to on bus from out city we lived at to be away from all this trouble, just to discover that, unlike my brother, his useless ass is not going to make it through in a country where there's no mommy to relay on when you don't want to work anymore even tho you are past the 50 years old. So he came back again to my country, and putted me to cry for days when I got the news, bc I won't be able to visit my grandma anymore without seeing my abuser's face. I won't be able to walk around the city in peace without the fear of him just showing up suddenly at any time, because he stalks me on all my social medias and activities, putted a shit to access my computer when i was a teenager and got into my accounts on fucking everything, follows and stalks every person that I'm related to, learns my routines, just so he can feel he's on control of my life, and even worst, so he can make me (and my sister, and my mom, and so goes on...) Feel like he's on control of our lives. He just suddenly takes any other member of the family phone just to pretend he's them, so he can get to talk to me and know about me. Or worst, sends ultimatums to me, or threats, or insults when he's mad at the fucked up life he created for himself.

And you know what's the worst part about the fear? The need to make it seem unreal. Like when i found fucking porn searchs in his phone about pederast incest, i fucking couldn't believe it (somehow) and just, pup! Erased it all. Or the calls and messages? Got furious, so I cleared the chats and blocked his number, and new number, and grandmother's number, and so on and on (just so he could say how bad and bratty i was for just getting away from all the family without any reason but just me throwing a tantrum). And well, whatever, for years I've felt guilty for erasing the only prove that i had, so I didn't speak up about it, bc how can people believe that such a cool guy could do those things anyways? So I just kept on a cicle for years of erasing and then feeling guilty and regretful, but then feeling alone so doing it again, because I never thought that i could do something about it. And now I'm here and i need proves of everything, and I've been stupid enough to left me with nothing but bad memories and traumas, that has no fucking use in a legal process to try and get my life together somewhere else away from the pain.

And at the end, does all of this count for other countries governments? Because I lost track of the difference between a normal hard life, and miserable life in some point of my growing up in Venezuela experience. But i don't want to go back anyways. I don't want to live life being scared, not knowing if tomorrow will be a normal hard day, or if my life is just going to suddenly go crazy and I'm going to lose someone else on the streets, or their house, or just because they left for a better opportunity in another country and I'll probably never see them again, or the crazy bitch of my father is going to start a new drama. Who can support a person that's been trying their hardest in life, who doesn't wants to give up? (even when there doesn't seems to be other options, because that's what they want you to feel, to control you through fear, through making you wake up and go to sleep every day on survival mode). I don't want to live that way.

And i don't want a life full of luxury either. All i want is a small house or apartment to live in, where i know I'm safe in, and a stable job with a boss that doesn't try to find every possible way to get you to work out of your job and personal boundaries, (both legally and illegally, bc in a country without law and lots of corruption that doesn't matter), with a small salary, enough to get me to buy a treat once in a week if I want to without having to give up on a basic need product like soap or shampoo for once. All i want is a normal life. Nothing more, with normal problems, normal solutions, a normal family, and normal experiences.

[halloumie]

23 june 2022

a phone interview today, and some in-person and online interviews next week. i feel a bit more hopeful now that i'm starting to get interviews again. not just about my job prospects -- talking to real people, even strangers, makes me feel better and more connected.

called an immigration specialist today, since ainan and i have been thinking about me going on the partner visa, but i do want to study next year, which would complicate matters since i'd have to get on the student visa. strange half answers. the specialist said that it didn't matter how much i earned apparently, it had to be ainan earning the 18.6k. we'll be consulting another solicitor.

the specialist heard a strange voice on my end of the call. big shivers scaling the stairs of my building alone, thinking about how scared she sounded. my parents think the lines intercepted. i suspect i played something from my voice mail, but how could a caller listen to my voice mail?

went back to solving leetcode today after a break of 2-3 weeks of despair, induced by not getting any software engineering interviews. watching ainan solve algorithms reminds me of how much i enjoy it also, the frustration, the murky understanding and sometimes how things work. often they don't and i'm being increasingly ok with that.

i do want to pursue a postgrad in cs. i'd like to do computational linguistics at a research institution and have faculty support. i'd like to not have to choose dead end jobs forever and start a career in software engineering. i'd like to be able to explore cs in an academic setting, potentially pursuing something in the field of digital humanities or compling for a phd eventually. but mainly, i want to be doing something at work that feels like i'm learning and improving on a craft. i've been wanting to study cs formally for a while now.

and i want to acknowledge that rising feeling of betrayal. that yes, i am a lit person and i have studied lit, but it's ok to study something else too. i'm not turning my back on my appreciation for writing just because i'm curious about another field. not a sellout, because i'm not pursuing it just for potential future financial reward.

and it's okay to have desires and curiosity shaped by the world around me and its demands. i don't have to go off into a sensory deprivation chamber like siddhartha to discover who i am.

we're closing in on a deal for the house. ordered some furniture to come in next month. i want the interior to be japandi, and he's fine with that. it's amazing how we've managed to stuff all our belongings in a tiny room so far. but again, i haven't been earning any money so there has been no possibility of buying anything.

right now i want to be financially comfortable enough to not panic and worry everyday. be able to pay council tax, finance a car and get a dog. so any job is okay. minimum wage is a pretty good deal, compared to sg.

and if working here is anything like i've experienced at volunteering so far, it will be far less abusive and unsettling than working in singapore.

i get heat headaches these days because it's summer. i sneeze when in pain, and my face feels clogged up so i know it's a sinus headache. these headaches are so often now that it's hot in the afternoon. and i'm acknowledging how much i've suffered in sg heat. it only gets up to 27 degrees so far. today was 25. the way the building traps heat doesn't help but still. i really did suffer in singapore.

so the past week has been spent applying on jobs (i used indeed this time and got a bunch of responses), helping out at the bookstore, panic scrolling reddit, finally settling around evenings to watch dougoug live or on yt. ainan and i have been watching black books, which is enjoyable.

the evenings are a relief as the temperature drops to around 20 degrees and i sit by the open window. i feel better when the sun's out, almost like i'm permitted to breathe better.