#so for now she gets two posts that were written prior to the deal being struck

[kayzero]

Rhizomes, A Brief History (Part 1)

spoilers for zero escape: virtue’s last reward under the cut

So the basic premise of the Rhizome that I’m working with assumes that the Moon is a planetoid without a molten core, and that it’s because of its shape rather than its size that enables it to orbit the Earth. The science then assumes that there’s a weight variance of about 10-15% going either way before it starts to negatively affect the Earth.

So, keeping the shape in mind, what the engineers did is they designed the Rhizome to be built modularly but underground so that there wouldn’t be any giant structures throwing off the Moon’s orbit. And what the constructors did to help is get the approximate weight of a cubic meter of Moon rock (by having the astronauts bring the rock down to earth), and then create construction materials that were built solid while weighing about as much as the amount of moon rock they would replace.

The ease of modular building enabled the inhabitants of the Rhizome project to build their own living space with minimal assistance from construction crews. This enabled the UN to hire workers and pay them a retainer to live onsite and work the plug-n-play. But every Rhizome always starts with the same basics: two warehouses stacked on top of each other, a three-story service lift connecting the warehouses and the Moon’s surface, and crew quarters split off one of the warehouses, dealer’s choice.

Crash Keys, an investment firm known to the UN as unfocused in regards to acquisitions but *scarily* accurate as an information broker, was easily able to get exclusive rights to Rhizome 9 on *very* short notice. Due to this short notice, only the listed basics were built into the Moon.

(And if they passed a tip to the UN in early January that the Project needed to speed up a little, enabling the construction of over fifty Rhizomes by April, well. They *are* known for their accuracy.)

all of that to say that by the end of the Diana period of the 45 Year Foretold section, Rhizome 9 only has eight rooms besides the warehouse, and four of them aren’t there until about year three or so. the original four rooms Sigma and Diana have to work with are the four crew quarter rooms from the game. one room is housing the cryo pods, one room that doubles as the medical office if one of them gets sick and Diana’s biomed classroom, one is Sigma’s bedroom (for sleeping and studying *only*, no shenanigans), and the last is Diana’s, which Sigma has never seen before.

[writingonleaves]

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future. 

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior. 

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise. 

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it. 

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly? 

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us. 

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right? 

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days,  I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when. 

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag. 

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck) 

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other. 

Yet we still hurt each other. 

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did. 

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional. 

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down. 

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better. 

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured. 

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for? 

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always. 

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to. 

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you. 

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you. 

I do. 

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too. 

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend. 

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen. 

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. 

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now. 

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too. 

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday. 

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago. 

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered. 

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this. 

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed. 

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore. 

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween. 

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there. 

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me. 

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond. 

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known. 

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd. 

I looked for you in every crowd for years. 

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me? 

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months. 

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then. 

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that. 

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me. 

Or maybe not. 

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized. 

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack 

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. 

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important. 

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome. 

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on. 

I hope you're moving on. 

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight. 

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met. 

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up. 

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day. 

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door. 

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that. 

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles. 

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t. 

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city. 

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster. 

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city. 

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too. 

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee. 

Jeremy walks into the book store. 

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red. 

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her. 

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything. 

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways. 

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with. 

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same. 

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out. 

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all. 

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence. 

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does. 

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.” 

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..” 

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?” 

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan, 

i still love you too. 

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours, 

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused. 

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

[faroreskiss]

The Power of Understanding / Pilot (Part 1 v2)

Rewritten to v2 on: 2023/09/10

Cheat Sheet

Read of Ao3

Chapters: Pilot, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Summary: You have been with the Chain for a while now, as their "scholar" and translator. You know everything about them, because you are from our world. But do *they *know the truth about how you can understand everyone?

A little introduction and world building concept for the Translator!Reader and her adventures. Check notes below for more info!

Non-linear fic.

AU fic, prior to TotK (instead of TotK, chain events happen).

Loosely based on the same reader in my NSFW fic, which is a very loose prequel to this one, and a work in progress.

More background info to come, if I feel like it :D

Warnings: None, maybe some cussing, but nothing is censored. SFW content.

Points of interest: This is your thing if you are into the mystery of chain being able to talk to each other. I am an actual trained linguist IRL, hence this HAD to be written!

You were daydreaming in the middle of the day about him again, amidst the smell of horse shit around you, when you're supposed to be finishing the work you have until the end of the day. Or until a new portal pops up to swallow you all to Goddess knows which Hyrule this time. Damned black-blooded monsters. At least, this gave you some break.

You, coming from our own era, have been acting as the scholar of the Chain for the last couple of years, while hopping from world to world with them. Knowing this, Malon put you to work on the books of the ranch, instead of letting you deal with the cows or the horses, even though you really didn’t have anything specific to do with maths. You thought she was being kind to you, not letting you deal with dirty ranch work, you guessed? She was a sweetheart either way.

You wanted to hang out with Twilight at the same time, so instead of using the little study Malon offered, you took the books and went down to the stables. You continued with your own stuff, while he was taking care of the horses.

There was also this little thing: you were the only one who understood every single one of them, (almost) very clearly, comparatively speaking. Sure they could communicate without you just as well, but due to a bunch of coincidences, you were the closest thing to the “translation magic”, if you can call it that. Maybe it was your Hoshi Sato gene*. Maybe it was the fact that you actually stayed with Link & Zelda in the post-Calamity world, around two years prior meeting the Chain**, maybe a bit of magic was also involved. Hylia works in mysterious ways! Did it almost cost you your brain? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. 

Some Links, of course, understood each other better than the others, especially when their eras were, linguistically speaking, not that far. Time and Twilight were just fine. Legend and Hyrule were already able to understand each other, even a little bit better than Time and Twilight. Sky was a bit further away and had a “funny way of saying things” (according to the Sailor), almost gibberish, but when you listened and when he spoke slowly enough, you could at least get the gist of what he was trying to say. Wind, Time, and Warriors already knew each other from other “incidents” before the Chain, so they already had a way of communicating. 

These worlds also did not have many invasions and wars by “outsiders”, if you don’t count things like the Triforce War, Imprisoning War, Sealing War, and of course, anything that had to do with Demise, Ganon & co. and their horrible reincarnations. This meant, not a lot of language change.

In the end, what happened was that over the two years you have been together with the group, you helped them understand each other better. They adjusted their accents, and somehow warped the Hylian they speak in a way that the group would understand (and especially you), when the dialogue was still within the group. Of course, the Old Man would speak more “naturally” with Malon and vice versa, and some of the chain would adjust better (e.g. Twilight or Smithy) to the language of the era they are in. After some point, communication was not that much of a problem. You learnt it all in the end. 

Writing? 

Funny enough, Wild, Sky, and Twilight had similar scripts. Time and Wind had more similar writing systems. Wild, Wars, Legend, Time, and Rulie were also better at understanding the scripts of their respective eras. Overall, other than a couple of hiccups, most understood the others’ script to an extent. 

And then there was Wild. Also known as “The Cook” nowadays. The rest of the chain didn’t know you called them the Chain in your mind, and had your little nicknames for them. The nicknames most likely revealed a bit too much, and even though most of the secrets were out nowadays… You knew better than to risk more. You have caused enough damage, you would think sometimes. Even though you just couldn’t resist the urge. 

Anyway… Wild, his case and communication issues… were complicated.

According to the rest of the chain when you guys first met, whatever he was saying (and vice versa) was almost complete gibberish at first. Some terms and special names like “deku,” “korok,” “Hylia,” “Hyrule,” “rupee,” and such were still there, albeit with a different accent, and they helped, but it was not enough. You only found out later that it was kind of… your fault. 

In the end, he was also able to communicate with them just fine. Each Link had their own… language variation and accents, so to say. Some of them did not even have the difference enough to call it a “dialect” comparatively. As you thought, language change is a slow enough process, and with the lack of ‘conflicts’ (for lack of a better word) compared to your world, no wonder they were still somehow able to understand each other. . 

The Goddesses work in mysterious ways indeed.

How did it work for you, though? There was this little secret that… First time around, when you first dropped into Wild's Hyrule, “Hylian” was basically a weird mesh-up of English and Japanese to your ears, after the enchantment from the Great Fairies you have received. It was “so you could slowly understand and grasp and communicate”, you were told. 

Oh boy, it really felt like a genie granting you a wish, but in its own twisted way. You found that out later though. 

Second time around when you first met the rest of Links, though? The first enchantment… kind of messed everything up. Second time around, you actually ended up learning real Hylian. At least, the Hylian that was used as a lingua franca between you guys. 

Of course, some learning skill enchantment was definitely not out of the deal this time as well, thanks to Rulie & Time and their fairy friends, and of course the Smithy. But what a disaster it had been! Well, it wasn’t your fault that the first time the enchantment was made, nobody calculated that you would meet the Links from other eras.

You also naturally know the reason behind why Links in kind of irrelevant eras could decipher each other's texts, even when they didn’t understand the words all the time. Some were based on the Latin alphabet, and some were on Japanese kana. No way you could clearly explain it to them.

“Oh, by the way, you are made by a game company called Nintendo, and this guy is called Miyamoto…”

Yeah, no. That didn’t go well last time. Nobody even understood what you meant. 

That was a battle to fight for another day… Now, you need to focus on the budget of the Lon Lon Ranch. And not be distracted by Twilight’s statue.

________________

Notes:

Fanciest and most OP translator you will ever know. Star Trek Universe. 

"You” already spent three years with Link and Zelda in Wild’s world and were enchanted by the Great Fairies (with Zelda’s involvement) for the improvement of learning abilities.

[diezmil10000]

do you have thoughts abt lysinette...

ouughghghhhh many!! many thoughts!!!! i’m still bitter that a lot of good ships didn’t get an A support and lysinette is on par with dorogrid, which is one of my favorite ships in the game. they wrote two girls who are incredibly passionate about magic, love sweets and are younger than most of the other characters, made them fight and make peace about overworking themselves and refused to elaborate. don’t get me wrong, i like their support chain, but—uh. wait.

fe3h spoilers under the cut because we’re talking about lysithea

i just can’t believe they didn’t give annette the opportunity of knowing about lysithea’s crests when she can’t shut up about them in all her other supports. they literally refused to elaborate on why lysithea seems naturally gifted in annette’s eyes, and to me that would have given their fight a better closure that what they chose to end it with. annette should have also been one of those characters who help lysithea remove her second crest if they could end up together, despite her being a teacher and not a researcher in most of her endings.

what i’m saying is that if they can write 3243347 supports of hilda needing help with cleaning and 23789432 supports of sylvain hitting on women who dislike him they could have made a linhardt-lysithea support chain copy with annette. just that, instead of the autistic gay boy with zero empathy (i love him) that wants to study her, lysithea has to deal with the hyperactive girlfail with no filter that wants to study AND kiss her.

i’m just realising i’ve been complaining for a while, but i hope that i don’t sound too negative – i do have other thoughts that aren’t pretentious attempts to Fix The Bad Game. if lysithea developed feelings for annette during the academy phase she would be sooo embarrassed like what do you mean i have a CRUSH? on a GIRL who is a NERD? and her stupid classmates (claude and hilda, maybe leonie) would find out and tease her forever about it. like c’mon lys ask her to dance with you at the ball!! and she does and annette is stupidly oblivious and she just gives up because she doesn’t have time for that.

the reunion post-timeskip would be awkward as fuck for both of them too: annette comes back fully grown and serving cunt while lysithea-- she looks exactly the same tbh but she is 12 whole ass centimeters taller and that’s wild. if they had any prior feelings for each other the timeskip would be like boom! gay reason spell that always crits!! it’s been 5 years and the girl from the other class is now a soldier, and i’m a soldier too and i fight by her side and she’s beautiful, but the war isn’t stopping and no one is stopping me from kissing her either. we’ve grown so much and so differently and i don’t know where to start teaching her the kind of magic i now know about, if she even wants me to. if she even wants me. and goddess do i want her.

anyway. thanks for letting me talk about my brainrot, i’ve been reading a lot of fics about them (something i should have done in 2019 when i first played but hey, better late than never. i’m so thankful for ao3 and all the fanfic writers out there, it’s so rewarding to get back to an old fandom and find all the cool stuff that has been written while you were gone). i hope you have a nice day anon~

[radios-universe]

heres your oppotunity to say anything about radio silence because well why not

you are too kind. now, what should i say...

one of my favourite things post-radio silence are aled and frances' tattoos. they are so FUCKING COOL.

like aled's whole sleeve of a universe city design??? are u Kidding??? it makes me wanna get a radio silence tattoo so badly. maybe at some point in the future if i think hard enough about a design.

also i saw a girl yesterday who genuinely looked like carys last. it was scary, actually. like her hair was exactly like her's and she dressed in the same style. freaked me out. didn't know she fled up north xx

something so special to me about radio silence and especially my most recent reread was that i was annotating it for my friend. and by friend i mean like.... i don't have a WORD. and that FRUSTRATES ME. and even if i Made a word it would feel cringe!!! it's not like a qpr or anything we don't have an established relationship but we are just like!!! y'know!!!! two aroace people somewho platonically obsessed with each other idk!!!!

anyway!!! i thought based on that, that so many of my annotations regarding things reminding me of us would be from aled and frances, and they Were! but ... there were SO MANY from aled and daniel.

i guess it was mostly due to aled's confusion with being demisexual and not having a word for that for so long, but it was daniel's whole spiel on page 177... (i don't have the book on my currently but you're gonna have to deal with me trying to summarise) where he describes his and aled's relationship.

saying it's 'something just for them' and 'protecting it from the world because the world would ruin it'... however he actually phrased it. probably a lot more elegantly.

but what was especially special about this was the fact that maybe... two weeks or so prior? i had actually written down something in a google docs along the same lines about me and my friend:

it was actually prompted into my head by sprolden, funnily enough, not aled and daniel. so you can understand my surprise when i read page 177 not too long afterwards...!!!

anyway i should stop talking now. got more sidetracked that i desired. oops

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Our Unresolved Problem(s)

          Problems unresolved are not unlike cancers that fester and fester until they burst with pain and devastation. The longer they fester, the greater the pain, the greater the devastation. Such it is with our great nation, a nation of many problems—currently, it seems, tired, broke, hungry, polarized, and twisting in the winds.

          To solve a problem, any problem, one must first identify it, get to the absolute root of the matter, decide what to do about it, and do it—too often a problem in and of itself. For far too long, we the people of the United States of America haven’t done this, preferring to shift our problems to a “back burner”, dealing with them with temporary “fixes”, passivism, and procrastination, which has cost us dearly.

          I submit to you that in these, the greatest times in the history of civilization, the two greatest problems confronting our nation today are a lack of concerted direction and xenophobia, i.e. racial discrimination. We have many serious problems before us—very serious; but, before they can be effectively resolved, we must above all, first, resolve these two.

          I have discussed this in prior postings to this blog, from various aspects. We are heading in a direction, if we are not already there, wherein we are being ruled by an oligarchy of the Corporatocracy and Power Elite which, contrary to our presently being a democratic republic “of the people, by the people, and for the people”, the extent of our freedoms will be determined by them. This is just not The United States of America. This is a global thing. Even now many of the rules under which you and I live are under the control of the World Trade Organization (WTO), the International Monetary Fund (IMF), Agenda 21 of the United Nations, etc. which transcends national boundaries. Even now, our government is negotiating so-called Free Trade Agreements in secret (I’m thinking specifically of the Trans-Pacific Partnership [TPP], which will affect jobs and living standards for millions of us). We the people will have no say in it. Some will tell you we freely elected those who facilitate this, our Congress. We did? Keep in mind all the money that flows into the coffers of our representatives through the lobbyists of these Corporatists. Some even write the rules that go into these agreements. Does your representative answer your phone calls? You can bet on it. He, or she, answers theirs.

In 2013, Keynesian economist Joseph Stiglitz, himself a renowned economist, warned that the TPP presented “grave risks” and it “serves the interests of the wealthiest”. Organized labor in the U.S. argues that the trade deal would largely benefit big business at the expense of the workers in manufacturing and service industries. The Economic Policy Institute and the Center for Economic and Policy Research have argued that the TPP could result in further job losses and declining wages. In December 2013, 151 House Democrats signed a letter written by Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn.) and George Miller (D-Calif.) opposing the “Fast Track”

Let me briefly explain what is meant by the “Fast Track”. According to Wikipedia, “the fast track negotiating authority for trade agreements is the authority of the President of the United States to negotiate an international agreement that Congress can approve or disapprove but cannot amend or filibuster. Also called trade promotion authority (TPA) since 2002, fast track negotiating authority is a temporary and controversial power granted to the President by Congress.” Wikipedia also states that “The authority was in effect from 1975 to 1994, under the Trade Act of 1974, and from 2002 to 2007 by the Trade Act of 2002. Although it expired for new agreements on July 1, 2007, it continued to apply to agreements already under negotiation until they were eventually passed into law in 2011. In 2012, the Obama administration began seeking renewal of the authority.”

You can read for yourself on Wikipedia a history and summary of the ongoing Trans-Pacific Partnership. This is just one event going on with the Corporatocracy and Power Elite, our Shadow Government. There are many more; and, in my mind, they are not in favor of the people—only the 1%, the very very rich and elite. Whether you believe in God or not, God made people. People made business. Business is supposed to serve the people. People should be in charge—not business. We must turn this around before we become their serfs.

I submit to you this is the greatest problem for our nation today. This is not the direction in which we should continue, and we must change that direction now. We the people must take back our country; but, to do that, we must all participate by voicing our demands. We cannot do that with only 40%, or whatever, going to the polls.

As I said above, the second greatest problem for our nation today is xenophobia, i.e. racial discrimination. I will post a candid discussion of this subject in my next blog. I’m sure what I say will be controversial, but it must be said. The successful resolution of almost all our future problems will depend upon the resolution of these two, our domination by the Corporatocracy and Power Elite and our resolution of Racial Discrimination.

Please, think about these things. Do you want our country/your country to be run by these people—the huge corporations, banks, and the wealthy; or, do you want us to be a democratic republic as per our Constitution, a nation of the people, by the people, and for the people? I tell you. It is going, going, gone—unless you do something about it. You may think this is all a big joke but it isn’t. It is in your hands. What are you going to do and when? When? From: Steven P. Miller @ParkermillerQ,  gatekeeperwatchman.org Tap Pictures Always: Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups, Saturday, June 1, 2024, Jacksonville, Florida., USA.  X ... @ParkermillerQ #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller, #Eldermiller1981 Thank you for sharing: Https://gatekeeperwatchman.org/post/751889961062744064/daily-devotionals-for-may-30-2024-proverbs-gods? MY GROUP and Not FACEBOOK/METAS: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA

[gatekeeperwatchman]

Our Unresolved Problem(s)

          Problems unresolved are not unlike cancers that fester and fester until they burst with pain and devastation. The longer they fester, the greater the pain, the greater the devastation. Such it is with our great nation, a nation of many problems—currently, it seems, tired, broke, hungry, polarized, and twisting in the winds.

          To solve a problem, any problem, one must first identify it, get to the absolute root of the matter, decide what to do about it, and do it—too often a problem in and of itself. For far too long, we the people of the United States of America haven’t done this, preferring to shift our problems to a “back burner”, dealing with them with temporary “fixes”, passivism, and procrastination, which has cost us dearly.

          I submit to you that in these, the greatest times in the history of civilization, the two greatest problems confronting our nation today are a lack of concerted direction and xenophobia, i.e. racial discrimination. We have many serious problems before us—very serious; but, before they can be effectively resolved, we must above all, first resolve these two.

          I have discussed this in prior postings to this blog, from various aspects. We are heading in a direction, if we are not already there, wherein we are being ruled by an oligarchy of the Corporatocracy and Power Elite which, contrary to our presently being a democratic republic “of the people, by the people, and for the people”, the extent of our freedoms will be determined by them. This is just not The United States of America. This is a global thing. Even now many of the rules under which you and I live are under the control of the World Trade Organization (WTO), the International Monetary Fund (IMF), Agenda 21 of the United Nations, etc. which transcends national boundaries. Even now, our government is negotiating so called Free Trade Agreements in secret (I’m thinking specifically of the Trans-Pacific Partnership [TPP], which will affect jobs and living standards for millions of us). We the people will have no say in it. Some will tell you we freely elected those who facilitate this, our Congress. We did? Keep in mind all the money which flows into the coffers of our representatives through the lobbyists of these Corporatists. Some even write the rules which go into these agreements. Does your representative answer your phone calls? You can bet on it. He, or she, answers theirs.

In 2013, Keynesian economist Joseph Stiglitz, himself a renown economist, warned that the TPP presented “grave risks” and it “serves the interests of the wealthiest”. Organized labor in the U.S. argues that the trade deal would largely benefit big business at the expense of the workers in manufacturing and service industries. The Economic Policy Institute and the Center for Economic and Policy Research have argued that the TPP could result in further job losses and declining wages. In December 2013, 151 House Democrats signed a letter written by Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn.) and George Miller (D-Calif.) opposing the “Fast Track”

Let me briefly explain what is meant by the “Fast Track”. From Wikipedia, “the fast track negotiating authority for trade agreements is the authority of the President of the United States to negotiate international agreement that Congress can approve or disapprove but cannot amend or filibuster. Also called trade promotion authority (TPA) since 2002, fast track negotiating authority is a temporary and controversial power granted to the President by Congress.” Wikipedia also states that “The authority was in effect from 1975 to 1994, pursuant to the Trade Act of 1974, and from 2002 to 2007 by the Trade Act of 2002. Although it expired for new agreements on July 1, 2007, it continued to apply to agreements already under negotiation until they were eventually passed into law in 2011. In 2012, the Obama administration began seeking renewal of the authority.”

You can read for yourself in Wikipedia a history and summary of the ongoing Trans-Pacific Partnership. This is just one event going on with the Corporatocracy and Power Elite, our Shadow Government. There are many more; and, in my mind, they are not in favor of the people—only the 1%, the very very rich and elite. Whether you believe in God or not, God made people. People made business. Business is supposed to serve the people. People should be in charge—not business. We must turn this around before we become their serfs.

I submit to you this is the greatest problem for our nation today. This is not the direction in which we should continue, and we must change that direction now. We the people must take back our country; but, to do that, we must all participate by voicing our demands. We cannot do that with only 40%, or whatever, going to the polls.

As I said above, the second greatest problem for our nation today is xenophobia, i.e. racial discrimination. I will post a candid discussion of this subject in my next blog. I’m sure what I say will be controversial, but it must be said. The successful resolution of almost all our future problems will depend upon the resolution of these two, our domination by the Corporatocracy and Power Elite and our resolution of Racial Discrimination.

Please, think about these things. Do you really want our country/your country to be run by these people—the huge corporations, banks, and the extremely rich and wealthy; or, do you want us to be a democratic republic as per our Constitution, a nation of the people, by the people, and for the people? I tell you. It is going, going, gone—unless you do something about it. You may think this is all a big joke but it isn’t. It really is in your hands. What are you going to do and when? When? Respectfully, From: Steven P. Miller January 9, 2023

Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups Jacksonville, Florida., Duval County, USA. Instagram: steven_parker_miller_1956, Twitter: @GatekeeperWatchman1, @ParkermillerQ, Parker Miller Stevens (Gatekeeper1) …@StevenPMiller6 Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/gatekeeperwatchman URL: linkedin.com/in/steven-miller-b1ab21259 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ElderStevenMiller; #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller, #Eldermiller1981

[collapsinginclarity]

11/10/22

I haven't written the past two days, and I hate myself for it. Why can't I pick up a habit and stick to it. I get overwhelmed when I try to make too many things a new habit. I need to write everyday. Why? Because I need to get this shit out of me.

Here's the breakdown of my family situation, a situation that impacts me everyday consciously and unconsciously.

I'm the oldest of three children birthed to Donna and Bradley. Donna was a whimsical empath with an undiagnosed personality disorder, and my Dad was an insanely creative, but depressed man - also with an undiagnosed personality disorder. Of the three kids, I am 18 months older than my sister, and 5 years older than my brother. Our parents got divorced when I was in ... about kindergarten. My dad cheated on my mom with a fellow parent of a kid in my ballet class. It broke my mom, and I mean literally broke her. She stopped eating, she would faint in front of us from malnourishment. She used to say she was going into her room to 'work on her novel', but I later found out that it was to be alone to cry.. for hours. The divorce was messy, and that's putting it lightly. It affected each of us kids in different ways. I acted out a lot.. I was a terror to my heart broken mother, but I was sad and I didn't know what to do with the intense emotions.

I had a good childhood prior to this, our parents loved us very very much, but they were still growing up themselves in many ways. Post-divorce, my childhood was also good, but it was sprinkled with highly traumatic moments that stunted my emotional growth. The most traumatic moments for me were being put in my finished basement in a time-out for hours. I would sob to be let out... I mean the kind of crying where you can't breathe and you're scream-crying to mommy telling her, "I'll be good, I'll be good. Just let me out, I promise I'll be good". To be fair, her therapist (who is now my therapist) recommended our basement as a place for time-outs. I don't blame my mom anymore. She was dealing with so much emotional pain from the end of her marriage, that she wasn't capable of holding space for the emotional pain of her children.

Fast forward 29 years, my mom found the love of her life. A genuinely kind and generous man who loves her and her kids deeply, and would go to the ends of the earth to ensure that we are provided for. As for my Dad ( this is an area that I struggle with everyday), he met a woman with whom, while they never got married - they've been together for over a decade, and I do call her my step-mother. Little did I know that the day my dad met her, it was the beginning of the end of our father-daughter relationship. A fact that now depresses me every single day.

My step-mother is a very wounded woman. If you had to compare the woundedness of my mother and my step-mother... my mom is a sort of checked out narcissist, not grounded in an adult reality - while my step-mom is a full blown narcissist, so sick that she has no idea the extent of the damage that she causes.

See, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer - and since then my step-mom has decided that his children don't do enough for him, because she does it all. To be fair, she does provide support to him and I'm glad he has that support in her. However, through the years - she has isolated him from his friends and family. It's gotten to the point where he has no voice. None. He is incapable of standing up to her and choosing his children. As a result, all three of us kids don't want to go to 'his' house anymore (it's her mansion, her car, her money). To be honest, she gives us extreme anxiety - she's truly not even a kind person. It's like he has his own family over there, she has two kids who he sees 10x more than he sees his own children.

Recently, my dad invited me to a huge Halloween party at 'his' house. He later uninvited me because my step-mom didn't feel comfortable with me there. My dad had no say, so he uninvited me. This made me feel like my wounded inner child took over and screamed at me, "See, even he doesn't want you near him. He doesn't love you". But the truth is that he does love me - very much. He is in a very toxic relationship and he is unable to see clearly. I miss him. I miss him so fucking much... our relationship has disappeared in front of my eyes and it breaks my heart.

I pray everyday that he'll open his eyes and his heart, and do what's healthiest for him. He seems very trapped. I hate seeing my Dad in a position like that.

That's a VERY short-version of my family dynamics. Oh. Last but not least, I lost my person on Valentine's Day of 2022. My nanny. My nanny was my Dad's mom. I lived with her during a lot of chaotic years of my life. She became my light in the dark. The unconditional love that I didn't have during the years I was always in a time-out in the basement.. the dark years after the divorce. Nanny understood me. She knew that the way I feel and think is different from other people - and she loved me and my creativity. My parents do too - but not like Nanny. I still can't believe she's gone and in many ways I'm still grieving. I miss her with every ounce of my being.

[widowshaze]

i miss you | w. maximoff

pairing: wanda maximoff x gn!reader

summary: you have been away on a mission for a few weeks now, and a mid day facetime call only a few days prior to your return, shows you just how much your girlfriend misses you.

warnings: mentions of smut, but it’s not written

word count: 2.3k

authors note: something cute and fluffy to end your day with, im a sucker for a good reunion so i wrote this, i hope you enjoy <3

you do not have permission to translate, copy or post my work elsewhere!

navigation | wanda maximoff masterlist

Wanda woke up as she usually did for the past few weeks like always this morning. Her body tightly hugging the pillow that still had the faint smell of your perfume lingering on it, to which she would deny she sprayed a little bit on it each night to help lull her to sleep. The side of her bed warm from where she had just slept but the other cold and empty, waiting for her girlfriend’s prompt return in a few days time.

Being away from you when you were on missions was hard, but what was even harder was when those missions were no contact and she couldn’t have any sort of communication with you at all. No phone calls, no texts, no nothing. Not even a quick check in to make sure you were okay. She missed your voice dearly, the smooth sultry sound with a hint of the deep raspy nature was enough to bring Wanda serenity. The only way she’s been able to hear your voice is through a voicemail that was left months ago when you had taken a trip to the supermarket to get supplies for dinner. Wanda had decided to take a shower the same time you had left so the phone call went missed, and she came out of the shower to a very entertaining voice message from you, asking what the difference between two different spices were because they looked the same to you and you were rightfully confused.

So the nights when Wanda felt alone, the nights when her nightmares would plague her mind and she found it hard to fall asleep, she would throw on one of your hoodies, and spray a little bit extra of your perfume, which she would soon have to replace because she’s used almost the entire bottle by now, and she would listen to the voice message to help her fall asleep, having you with her in some way would help make those nights easier.

Today was no different, she woke up with an aching feeling in her chest and the overwhelming urge to cry because all she wanted was to be wrapped in her lover’s arms, to know that you were okay, and to hear your sweet voice and that laugh she missed more than she would like to admit.

She dragged herself out of bed after glancing at the bedside clock, knowing if she didn’t get up now she would be late for her training session with Steve, and the last thing she wanted to deal with today was the third degree from the Captain about being late to one of his sessions.

She took a quick shower to rub the sleep from her eyes and to wake herself up more, making it a point to use your body wash so she could smell a bit of you on her throughout the day, before getting out and dressing in a pair of her shorts but grabbing one of your t-shirts, loving that they engulfed her body and were oversized, another way to carry a bit of her lover with her today.

Her training session went by very quickly, a way to get her mind off of the things that usually plagued her. Her focus on taking down the Captain with using little to none of her magic, combat only, which she would like to admit she was getting better at thanks to her trained ex-assassin girlfriend. Did she have an unfair advantage? Maybe, but it was an excuse for her girlfriend’s hands to be all over her and she definitely wasn’t going to say no to that when offered.

She found herself in the kitchen not long after Steve had dismissed her, her stomach growling at her as she picked through the cabinets to make breakfast, which would turn into her making breakfast for everybody. They claimed they “couldn’t resist her cooking” but with her being the only woman there, let alone the only person who knew how to cook a decent meal, she knew the boys used it as an excuse to get out of cooking food, but she didn’t mind, she loved cooking anyways.

She plated the food once it was done, a round of pancakes and bacon for everyone as she sat on the couch in the tv room and flicked on one of her favorite sitcoms as she dove into her breakfast, feeling a lot hungrier now that she had food actually in front of her.

She was in the middle of a classic Dick Van Dyke show when her phone rang, so she glanced down at her phone that was resting near her leg on the couch and her eyes nearly bulged out of her head when she saw the contact name flashing on the screen, and a picture of her favorite person taking over the background. She was quick to pause the show and place her plate on the coffee table and with shaky hands she picked up the phone and answered the call.

It took a few seconds but a very blurry but able to make out, real time video of her girlfriend popped up on the screen and the gasp she let out was loud enough that if people were around her, they would hear. You had the most shit-eating grin on your face when you saw the face of your girlfriend take over the screen of your phone and you asked herself why you hadn’t called her any sooner than this.

“Y/N/N? Is that really you?” Wanda said through choked sobs and when you replied with a “Yes, baby.” She couldn’t stop the tears that began to fall harder. Words couldn’t begin to describe the emotions that were flooding Wanda’s brain. Seeing and hearing you for the first time in weeks, wondering if you were okay, and now having factual evidence that you in fact were, had her crying happy tears, and she wasn’t able to stop them.

“How are you doing my love?” You had asked once Wanda had calmed her crying and was reduced to sniffles, wiping the tears from her face that continued to fall silently, her eyes not leaving your face on the other end of her screen.

“I’m doing much better now that I know you’re okay.” She said truthfully and watched as you gave her a look of empathy and apology.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t call sooner,” you paused and let out a breath. “But the security for this mission was so tight and I didn’t want to risk anything. I knew I had to get back to you.” You spoke honestly and Wanda smiled softly before replying.

“Your safety and well-being is more important to me than anything else detka, even if that means I have to go weeks without seeing your face or hearing your voice.” She let out a wet chuckle at the end of her statement and you followed suit, both of you falling into small talk after the fact, just catching up on the things you had missed while you were gone along with you telling Wanda all of things you’ve experienced while on your mission.

“I’ll only be a few more days and then I’ll be home to you.” You said with a smile and Wanda returned it briefly before looking down at her lap again, finding the loose string on her shorts much more interesting for a moment. With a raised eyebrow you spoke up, “Wanda? Is everything alr-“

“Are your legs tired?” She interrupted you as she spoke and glanced at you through screen, when you didn’t reply she continued. “You know, from running through my mind all night?” Wanda looked at you again, the slightest hint of a smile on your face, so she continued. “No but for real,” she spoke seriously, looking you dead in the eyes through the screen. “I miss being in between your legs.” A loud laugh ripped from the back of your throat at this confession and Wanda couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. “But seriously Y/N,” she spoke when you had finally stopped laughing. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby,” you said softly as you stared adoringly at your girlfriend, getting lost in her emerald eyes once more as you always have before, something about them being so captivating, something you’ll never get tired off. You can hear Nat calling your name somewhere off in the distance, the impending end to your mission on your fingertips and there’s one last thing you two have to do. So you turned back to Wanda and with a quick goodbye, telling her you’ll see her in a few days, followed with a quick “I love you” at the end before ending the call, leaving Wanda to stare at the home screen of her phone. A picture of the two of you at the star fair over the summer, a picture you insisted to take so you could relive your first summer together as a couple.

Wanda sighed, wiping the tears on her face before gathering her things and dropping her dishes off in the kitchen, before making her way back to your shared room and climbing under the covers for the foreseeable future, she only had to last a few more days and her girlfriend would be back in her arms, that shouldn’t be hard at all, right?

Wrong.

The few days leading up to your return had been hell, knowing that you were going to be home soon made the days go by slower and slower, as if time had been slowed down for her own life torture and your impending return was taking longer than expected.

She was pacing the main room of the compound, the rest of the team gathered around as they waited for the arrival of the quinjet, signaling your and Natasha’s return from your long mission. Wanda’s arms were crossed across her chest as one hand was up at her mouth while she bit at her nails, an anxious habit she needed to break, but in this moment she didn’t care.

“Perhaps if you sat down Miss Maximoff, you might be a bit calmer.” Vision spoke from one side of the room and if looks could kill, the one Wanda gave him would have had him in ashes in the middle of the ground. So he held his hands up in defense as Wanda went back to pacing, glancing out of the window and hoping to see the quinjet in the horizon as she did.

A few more minutes had passed, but it felt like eternity to Wanda, that when she does look out the window again, she sees the quinjet approaching it’s landing and she holds back a sob, slapping her hand over her mouth before running out of the compound and onto the landing dock.

The door opens and you are barely able to take one step off of the jet before a pair of arms secure themselves around your neck and legs tightly secure themselves around your waist, effectively engulfing you in such a tight embrace that would be almost impossible for you to get out of. A soft chuckle escapes past your lips, but the tears that fill your eyes are silent as you hold your girlfriend in your arms for the first time in a month.

Wanda was already crying before she got her hands on you, but now that you were here, and she was holding you and you were holding her back, she couldn’t stop the sobs that wracked her body as she gripped to her girlfriend for dear life, afraid that you were going to slip away out of her grasp again.

You raked your fingers through Wanda’s thick brown locks, missing the way her hair felt between your fingers and you swayed back and forth in the middle of the dock, trying to calm a crying Wanda, whispering sweet nothings in her ear and reassuring her that you were here and that you weren’t going anywhere, anytime soon.

Wanda seemed to accept your words as her grip loosened and her legs unwrapped from around your waist and she planted herself back on the ground. The grip around your neck didn’t loosen as much as she pulled you forward and connected your lips in a much needed kiss. Your lips folding together in perfect unison as you poured every emotion into the long awaited kiss, neither of you wanting to pull away and finally only doing so when air was necessary. Whoops and hollers could be heard from the rest of the team as you pulled apart, foreheads resting against each other’s as you each let out small laughs.

“Come on, I have some other strangers I need to say hi to.” You whispered against her lips and reluctantly Wanda agreed, pulling herself from the embrace but not before grabbing your arm and wrapping it around her shoulders, her arms finding their way around your waist as she leaned into you.

“So,” you spoke up as you approached your group of friends waiting to greet you. “What was this I hear about you missing being between my legs?” You asked with a quirked eyebrow and Wanda’s whole face flushed red as she playfully pushed your shoulder.

“Go say hi to your friends and maybe you’ll find out later.” Wanda said, biting her lip as she watched your eyes grow wide and she could’ve swore she had never seen someone say “Hi” and “Bye” to so many people so quickly in her life before she was being dragged down the hallway to their shared room, both of you a giggling mess, but neither of you cared, you were finally together again and that’s all that mattered.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

wanda maximoff taglist

@when-wolves-howl @royalityofmultifandom @gaybitchthings @crescent-witch @wottheactualfuq @agrumpyteen1 @hoeforwandanat @xxxtwilightaxelxxx

➳ join my taglist here!

[huge-enthusiast]

Miraculous fic recomendations!!

This is just an excuse to show all my bookmarks? Yes. Yes, it is. I'm pretty sure most of this fics are really popular, but try see if you find something you didn't knew about!

All of the fics will be rated Teen and up audiences or lower. Also if I don't put the author's tumblr is because they didn't put it in the fic or/and I couldn't find it.

Pairing: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug

knowing you by emsylcatac (they are not really the author of the fic but that's the account that says in the fic, the actual author doesn't have an account).

After dropping their transformations months ago, Marinette and Adrien see each other for the first time after being apart. They've both left too much unsaid and have to work to pick up the pieces of their confused hearts.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal but mostly ladynoir, light angst with happy ending.

the last day on earth by Reiaji

The first time Marinette sees Chat Blanc, she's fourteen years old. The second time, fifteen—the third time, seventeen.

The closer she grows to Adrien, the harder it is to save him.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal lovesquare, kinda heavy angst, hopeful ending.

tell me something i don't know by carpisuns (@carpisuns here on tumblr)

Do you think it still means something? To love someone, even if the universe said you had to?

The odds of having a soulmate are about negative one billion (or something like that). But somehow, like they always have, Marinette and Chat Noir find themselves together. They’re ready to finally tell each other everything, but it turns out that even soulmates have to keep secrets, and while their bond draws them together, duty forces them apart.

Chapters: currently 17/28 (WIPs can be exhausting but this one is 100% worth the wait!)

Mostly marichat but almost all of the lovesquare sides make an appearance, soulmates au, mostly fluff but it can get angsty if it wants to.

One Thing After Another by SKayLanphear

Marinette notices that, sometimes, Adrien acts a little out of the ordinary--like the time he stood in a cardboard box for no reason, or when he actually hissed at Nino. It's only when she starts to notice the similarities between Adrien and a certain feline that she begins to get suspicious.

Basically, Adrien acts like a cat when he probably shouldn't.

Chapters: 15/15

Mostly adrienette with one sided reveal by Marinette's side, miraculous side effects (by both sides wich is really cool!), it's fluff with a lil tiny angst for drama.

This would take some getting used to by Codango (@codango here on tumblr!)

Adrien peeked out from behind the chimney even as the magic of his own Chat Noir mask fell away.

She was still visible, her dark hair bobbing under the street lamps a couple blocks away.

“Marinette.”

Adrien blew out a confused breath. His fiery Ladybug… was the quiet little mouse who sat behind him in class?

“What. The.”

This… would take some getting used to.

Chapters: 8/8

Adrienette with one sided reveal by Adrien's part, awkward flirting, just fluff, nothing to worry about.

comfort food also by Reiaji!

In Marinette's house, cooking is a language of love, and Marinette loves Adrien more than most.

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette with a little of ladynoir, super super fluff, a lot of insight into Marinette's chinese heritage.

The right side of his face by walkingonthestars (@hamsternamedmarinette here on tumblr!)

Marinette and Adrien are able to remain in their new seats in the back of the room at the end of Chameleon.

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette, fluff with light angst.

it's a long way forward so trust in me by aloneintherain (@captainkirkk here on tumblr!)

“You’re not the only strong one around here, Chat,” Marinette said. She looked a little winded, but she wasn’t struggling to hold him up.

This close up, he could see the freckles on the bridge of her nose. He could see how that smug smile lit up her eyes. He could feel the strain of her arms—and wow, okay, he really wasn’t the only person around here with muscles.

Six times Marinette carried Adrien (plus one time he carried her).

Chapters: 1/1

All the sides of the lovesquare! Fluff with LOTS of mutual pining.

a fight that you were born to lose also by aloneintherain

When the prosecution starts throwing around the word victim in reference to Adrien, he has to stuff his hands under his thighs to keep himself from bolting out of the courtroom.

Adrien had felt unsafe during those last few weeks, but, until he had woken up and seen Father silhouetted in his bedroom doorway, that had only been paranoia. Father was controlling and cold, but he wasn’t hateful. Adrien was isolated. He was often hungry. And some weeks ago, when he had snuck out to visit Nino, sitting thigh-to-thigh on his bed while Adrien cried in that silent, crumbling way of his, he hadn’t argued when Nino put a hand on his shoulder and said, tentatively, That’s abuse.

But Adrien remembers being small and Father touching his hair after he’d aced another test; Father holding his scribbled drawings like they were something precious, and framing them around his office; Father, dressed as Hawkmoth, his eyes wild behind the mask, lashing his sword against Adrien’s baton; Father, collapsed against Mum, crying into her ashy hair.

Adrien finds out Gabriel is Hawkmoth, and Gabriel gets to bring his long-waited plan into action.

Chapters: 1/1

This one doesn't really focus in the ship that much as is an Adrien character study and an exploration of his relationship with his father, but they're still there so I put them here. Really heavy angst (this is one of this fics that haunt me in the middle of the night) with a happy ending. ❗TW: parental abuse, eating disorders❗

Supercut by LNC

Marinette loves her friends and Adrien can't deal.

Chapters: 1/1

Post-reveal lovesquare, again light angst, an exploration of Adrien's insecurities, Marinette Dupain-Cheng deserves the world, happy ending.

Madame Snare by jettiebettie

“Sounds like a lot of work for nothing. She should take this as a sign to have a relaxing weekend with no responsibilities.”

“It's a lot of work she put her whole heart into. It wouldn't be right for it to go to waste,” Adrien whispers to him. The look on Marinette's face is enough to cause Adrien's own heart to ache. If anyone deserves the satisfaction and pride from a job well done, it's her.

“Too bad there isn't anyone else who can walk in those death traps,” Plagg says. Adrien hums in thought, tapping his chin.

“I could.”

Chapters: 1/1

Marichat, episode-based, Chat Noir in a dress!!!, light angst but it's mostly just idiots being idiots and a lot of fun.

in the same sun by peachcitt (@peachcitt here on tumblr!)

"It’s hard to believe that I saw you last at the peak of summer, when the sun was close and warm - and so were you. It should go without saying that I miss you. I miss you something terrible."

//

"It’s been seven months to the day since I’ve seen you. I wish you were here more than anything else."

Two letters, signed with initials instead of names, found in Paris, France.

Chapters: 1/1

Ladynoir, just angst, that's it, written like letters. No ending, just pain.

an uncurtain discovery by Missnoodles (@ladyofthenoodle here on tumblr!)

When he returns from school on Wednesday afternoon, Adrien discovers the darkness in his own home. He struggles to come to terms with it. To his utter mortification and delight, Ladybug is nearby to rescue him.

(He does not discover that his father is supervillain. That will happen on a different Wednesday.)

Chapters: 1/1

Ladrien, it says it's crack, and don't get me wrong, is super funny, but I also found it sad as fuck?

An Open Secret by Kasienda

Adrien whirled around toward Marinette. She smiled at him.

He couldn’t smile back. He stared at her like the dumb blond model that he was often accused of being.

Something shifted in her expression. And her warm open Marinette smile transformed into Ladybug’s grin. He was looking at Ladybug right now.

He knew Ladybug’s name!

Her name was Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

And he couldn’t say anything! Not to Marinette! Not even to Plagg, who had confided two weeks prior that Master Fu was growing increasingly paranoid since the location of his home and hideout had been compromised. Their master had apparently decided that Chat Noir and Ladybug would have to give up their miraculouses if they ever discovered each other’s identities.

It wasn’t fair!

...

A fic where they both know, but can't openly talk about it.

Chapters: 4/4

Post-reveal... but is it? Mostly adrienette and ladynoir, fluff with light angst and them being absolute idiots at hiding their secret identity.

golden (like daylight) by okayanna (@anna-scribbles here on tumblr!)

Friendship, Adrien decided, shaking off the mental image of Marinette’s hurricane eyes and hesitant mouth, parted in a small, careful “o.” He had a very strong friendship with Marinette. That was all.

or

Adrien thinks a lot about words, love, and Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Chapters: 1 + epilogue

Adrienette but has lots of ladynoir, another Adrien character study because I hate myself, it tries to not be angst but the writing will punch you in the guts and make you cry, it's so good.

Strangers in the Bright Lights by poodles (@ladybeug here on tumblr!)

Adrien is about two drinks in when he sees a girl at the end of the bar wearing black cat ears. It's kind of weird, so he watches her, and although it's crowded he can see her face when she turns around. She’s wearing a Chat Noir mask. He takes a quick look around- nobody else is wearing a mask. Just her.

Adrien finishes his gin martini and heads over to her. He could use some company tonight anyways, he hasn’t told anyone he’s back in Paris and Nathalie won’t arrive in town for another month. And it’s been a rough day, okay? A rough move! He’s not sure he wants to be back yet, and he spent most of the day in the Agreste mansion sorting through some photographs of his father he found in the study. Maybe he wants a drink and some stranger to tell him he’s pretty! That’s not a crime, is it?

Chapters: 1/1

Adrienette but it's also ladrien??? I think??? It's super super angsty but they're both drunk the entirety of the fic so it's also really funny.

Pick-Up and Chase by also SKayLanphear

After she accidentally trips into Adrien and apologizes about "falling for him," Marinette learns that he's no match for cheesy pick-up lines--whether they were unintended or not. And while she finds it flattering that he turns into a flustered mess with only a few words, Marinette comes to regret making him uncomfortable. That is, until she learns he's Chat Noir. At which point the phrase "just deserts" becomes a permanent fixture in her everyday plans.

A story in which Adrien is flustered, Marinette is smooth as glass at dropping lines, and Chat Noir gets the romance he was always asking for--even if he doesn't quite know how to handle it.

Chapters: 10/10

Adrienette with one sided reveal by Marinette's side, it doesn't say it in the tags but I'm pretty sure the characters are much older than they actually are in the show, so much fluff and so much flirting.

Pairing: Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe

Nino Has Done Nothing To Deserve This by GuardianKarenTerrier (@guardiankarenterrier here in tumblr)

It's nothing, really- just an innocent comment, a joke. But when they hear it, Nino and Alya come to a realisation.

There were, in retrospect, dozens upon dozens of hints. Now that they're suddenly aware of all their friend's flimsy excuses and rushed explanations, they're not only sure how they've missed it, they're not sure how anyone else has either. They realise that it had to be magic protecting their friends- and that same magic has ceased to work on the two of them.

Well, this means they'll just have to start watching over their friends themselves.

Chapters: 7/7

This is more a found family fic than anything else, Alya and Nino are the mom friend, has light angst but it's mostly identity shenanigans in the most bizarre way. ❗TW: eating disorders❗

christmas lights by demistories

Nino checks up and down the street, checking to make sure there’s no raging akuma headed his way before he crosses quickly and ducks inside the small café. He closes the door quickly before the icy air can blow inside and tugs his beanie down over his ears. He spots Alya sitting alone in the corner.

Chapters: 1/1

Just fluff!! Really short but really sweet.

hold on, i still want you also by Missnoodles!

Written for the @thedjwifizine ! Wich I also recommend if you wanna binge a lot of djwifi fics while also looking at amazing art!!!

Five times Alya ran into her ex, and the one time he stopped being her ex.

Chapters: 1/1

Light angst with a happy ending! I don't really like the ex-lovers to lovers trope but this one is the only exception.

I will continue to expand the list in the future! But by now I hope I was helpful in the search of new fics!

[buckymylove]

The Answer to a Never Ending Story

(Part two of turn around)

Read part one here

Summary: you and Bucky get to your date after the awkward encounter in the kitchen.

Warnings: pure fluff. Absolute cheesy fluff. Like to the point that it’s actually cringey. Oh and SMUT tehe. Yeah 18+ MINORS DNI oral fem receiving, extreme after care, pet names (babydoll, little one, bubba)

Word count: 4,000

A/n: Hi! Ok so Ik Ik I was mia. Sorry for being so crap at this lol. Im going to have to stop making promises to get stuff out coz this was supposed to be out ages ago but it literally took me a month to write it and it’s not even good. I have got a series in the works the first 3 of 6 chapters are written but I want it done before I post it so I don’t leave you hanging. One more thing. this is my firtst attempt at writing SMUT and Ik it sucks but there ya go 😂 Anyways thank you to anyone that read this, sending love xx

Please do not translate on steal any of my works! Reblogs and likes are welcome if you would like! X

You both went your separate ways with the promise to meet at his room in an hour ready for your movie date. You were still feeling a little embarrassed about everything that had just gone down but felt comforted by Bucky, which really posed a whole new dilemma for you because his understanding and kindness only made you fall for him more.

As soon as Bucky had left the kitchen, right after placing a soft kiss to your cheek, you made your way to your room to find Nat and Wanda sitting on your bed waiting for you.

This time you made sure your door was shut and that it was definitely just the three of you in the room. Once you were confident there were no lurking super soldiers to be found you let out a squeal, although much quieter than your previous screams not wanting to end up as you had just minutes prior. Nat and Wanda seemed to both visibly relax, now knowing that it had turned out well before joining you in your (much smaller) celebration.

“Aw I’m so happy for you sweetie” Wanda cooed.

“I take it Bucky didn’t mind your… um…scene” Natasha said hesitantly but not being able to keep the sly smirk from her face.

“Shut it, I’m still mad at both of you” you said pointing an accusatory finger but with a hint of playfulness in your tone.

“Well if he can deal with you through one of your emotional roller coaster melt downs then he is definitely the guy for you hon” Wanda chuckled. You grabbed the nearest thing to you, that when lobbed at someone’s head wouldn’t pierce their skull, which happened to be your hairbrush, and chucked it at Wanda.

“You guys are mean” you said with a playful pout.

“Yeahhh but you love us” Nat smirked.

You just shook your head with a smile and wandered over to them.

“Ok” you clapped your hands excitedly. “We have a movie date in an hour so help me get ready” you demanded grabbing their hands and pulling them to your closet.

You ended up just picking out a pair of black joggers and a white cropped t-shirt that you paired with fluffy socks and a simple necklace after taking a quick shower. You put on mascara and let your hair dry naturally.

When you were ready, you still had 10 minutes until you had to get to Bucky’s room, which wouldn’t take long since it was literally 2 doors down, so you texted him asking if he wanted you to bring any snacks or anything.

‘No need doll, I got everything planned ;)’ he replied immediately.

Wanda noticed you grinning like an idiot at your phone and peered over your shoulder to see what had you smiling. “Who taught him to use emojis?” You didn’t have to see her face to know she was smirking mischievously, you rolled your eyes with a smile.

“You two are sickeningly adorable” Nat said with an almost grimace as she looked over from her place in your closet where she was rummaging around, you figured she was probably looking for the next item of clothing to steal. You blushed at her remark.

“You should send him a picture, ya know a lil sneak peak” Wanda said cheekily.

“I’m literally in sweat pants Wan there’s not much to peak at” you giggled.

“Uh yeah but you look sexy in sweatpants” she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, you just snorted.

“She’s right ya know, yeah you look comfy but you also look super cute, just send him a pic saying your excited.” She stated as if it would be so damn easy. Um hello did they not just witness your meltdown less than 2 hours ago?

“Guys it’s fine I’m seeing him in like 10 minutes”

“Ugh just do it” Nat groaned.

She grabbed your phone and your hand and dragged you stand in front of your floor length mirror, she shoved your phone back into your hand with the camera open and ready.

“Ok take the god damn picture”

You were hesitant but knew that you would have to take it eventually, if Nat wanted a picture she would get a picture she doesn’t usually take no for answer. So, you took a deep breath, flipped your hair back a bit and positioned yourself and the camera ready for the photo. You stood there shuffling and fiddling for at least two minutes, and could see Nat rolling her eyes in the reflection.

“Hey I saw that” you mumbled not moving from your position.

“ugh y/n just take the photo” Wanda giggled.

“Nat get outta the shot” you demanded, she moved to join Wanda on the bed. Without anymore thinking you snapped the photo.

You cringed a bit when you looked at it but Nat was up and behind your shoulder before you could blink.

“That’s perfect you look adorable”

Wanda managed to sneak over your other shoulder. “And sexy” she said, “You honestly do” nat agreed.

You rolled your eyes but agreed to send it anyway. You sent it as a message figuring Bucky probably hadn’t entered the war zone that is Snapchat yet, writing underneath, “cant wait! 😘”. You hit send before you could stop to think about it anymore.

“See that wasn’t so bad” Nat nudged your shoulder.

“Uh yes it was, what if he thought I was being weird or over excited aga-“

“Yeah I don’t think he thinks any of that” Wanda cut you off mid ramble and you stopped to look down at your phone. Once again your rambling has let you down as you had missed the ping of the notification alerting you that Bucky had responded.

“😍😍 come over now I can’t wait any longer😉”

You heard Wanda squeal behind you but it took you an extra second to react. You slowly turned around to face your best friends. “EEEEEEE he wants me to go now arghhh ok thank you so much love you Bye bitchesss” you squealed like a complete idiot as you all but ran out of your room but before you could get to your door there was knock that made you stop in your tracks. Your eyes went wide and you turned to look at nat and Wanda as a silent question of what to do.

You ended up in a whisper shouting match.

“Get it forgot sake” nat started

“What If it’s Bucky?”

“We’ll if it is what are you gonna do, not answer it” Wanda went on sarcastically.

You all started whisper shouting over each other but froze as another knock sounded at your door. “Doll?”

Definitely Bucky. “GO” Nat and Wanda whispered in unison.

You walked towards the door and took a breath before opening it. Your heart nearly melted at the scene you were greeted with. Bucky was standing, also in joggers, his were grey, and black t shirt that was definitely a few sizes to small and showed of all his muscles perfectly. But the most heartwarming part was the faint blush that dusted his cheeks and the small beautiful bouquet of your favourite flowers in he was holding.

“You look even more gorgeous in person” he said almost breathless, despite his words he looked slightly nervous which would’ve helped you relax a bit had his previous comment not just reduced you to a puddle on the floor.

“Oh and uh these are for you, I uh had to ask Wanda what your favourites were” he said.

There was a silence as you took it all in, no one had ever done something this sweet for you before, but you snapped out of it when you realised Bucky getting more and more nervous at your silence.

“Bucky they’re beautiful and you’re so sweet thank you” you almost cried. You gently took the bouquet from his hands and brought it inside, where you saw nat and Wanda standing in the corner out of sight from the door, grinning like idiots. You softly smiled at them and handed them the bouquet to sort out while you were gone, they got the message and Wanda took them from you as you rushed back to Bucky.

You beamed at him and he couldn’t help but stare at you, you were stunning and he couldn’t resist telling you again. “Babydoll I know it’s rude to stare but you look incredible” he said gently taking your hands in his much larger ones and placing a sweet kiss to your cheek that had turned a deep crimson at his comment. I guess he hadn’t lost all that 40’s charm.

He smiled at your reaction. “You ready to go beautiful?”

“I’m not going to be able to function if you use that charm on me all night” you both chuckled.

“Can’t help it doll, ‘m just saying what I see, plus your cute when you blush” the blush on your face only deepened. You let your head fall against his chest as you mumbled something incoherent into his t shirt. He chuckled and gently lifted your head, his eyes flickered down to your lips and for a second it looked like he would kiss you, but instead he winked at you and let go of one of your hands, keeping the other entwined with yours as he lead you to his room. It was literally a 10 second journey and when you got there he looked to you and grinned.

“Sorry about the long walk doll” he said as he opened the door, you giggled at his antics. Bucky beamed, he would do anything to hear that sweet sound from you again, his favourite sound. He led you inside and you let out a small gasp and your surroundings. You’d been in his room before that usually looked quite empty bland, which only showed you just how much effort he’d put into tonight. There were blankets and fairly lights hanging over His bed as a sort of makeshift tent, and inside was filled with blankets and pillows that he’d obviously stollen from various rooms in the compound. The tv was setup in front of it and there was a tray full of all the movie snacks you could want plus a bottle of wine and two glasses. There was popcorn, skittles, m&ms, even some cupcakes, he’d put so much thought into it and

you felt tears brim your eyes as you took it all in.

“Is it too much? Or is it to simple for a fi-“

He stopped when you turned around to look at him with silent tears running down your face. Before he could react you through your arms around him in tight embrace. It took him a few seconds to react but when he did he wrapped his arms around your back and held you, firmly yet still gentle so as not to crush you with his super soldier strength. You stayed like that for a minute, completely peaceful and feeling safe in his arms, until he placed a soft kiss to the side of your head and pulled back enough to look at you.

“You like it?” He smiled softly.

“I love it” you replied with a beaming smile. You unwound yourselves but grabbed his hand and lead him to sit down with you. You both crawled into the makeshift blanket tent and got settled.

“Why don’t you pick the movie while I get the drinks ready”

You nodded and picked up the remote. You scrolled through Netflix for a while and found one that you loved and hadn’t watched in ages: How To Lose a Guy in 10 days.

You clicked on it and turned to Bucky.

“Is this ok?”

“Whatever you want babydoll” he smiled at you and your heart melted once again at the term of endearment and of course the pantie dropping smile.

Bucky wrapped his arm around you just as you pressed play. You looked up at him.

“Is this okay?” He asked gently. Ever the gentlemen. “Yeah, yeah it’s great” you replied, almost in a daze as you looked in his eyes.

You started the movie together in a comfortable silence that was occasionally broken by a laugh or anecdote inspired by the movie. By the time half the movie was through, you two had mostly forgotten it and just left it as background noise as you talked about anything and everything.

You’d also managed to bring yourself closer and closer to him as time went on and Bucky had tightened his hold on you.

The movie was starting to come to an end and it had gotten completely dark outside.

“How’d you like our date doll?” You beamed up at him.

“I loved it Buck, thank you, thank you so much, especially for putting up with my crap-“

“Hey, hey stop. I told you it’s okay I promise, I thought it was adorable I swear” he chuckled.

There was that charm again, leaving another blushing mess in its wake.

“I really like you Bucky”

“I really like you to babydoll, I really don’t want you to leave right now” he said softly.

“I don’t want to go” you whispered staring up at him.

“Perfect, then you can stay right where you belong” he winked at you.

He leaned down slowly pressing a soft kiss to your lips, testing the waters and giving you room to pull away. When you returned his affection happily he took that as his chance to deepen the kiss. Gently parting your lips with his tongue. You let him explore your mouth, kissing back with equal passion. He wrapped his arms tightly around you, one round your waist and the other gently cradling the back of your head. You moved further up wrapping your arms around his neck.

You let out a moan when he sucked on your bottom lip.

“Needy little baby” he murmured against your lips in that gravelly voice you loved so much. You whimpered when you heard those words and climbed into his lap. When you settled down into his lap you felt his growing bulge and the sound you let slip this time was borderline sinful. You started moving your hips, grinding against the impossibly hard bulge in his sweatpants. He groaned in response and let the hand the was on your waist trail down to grip at your ass. He gave a gentle squeeze that had you trembling.

He pulled away slightly and rested his forehead against yours. “You sure you’re okay with this doll? You promise you’re comfortable and you’ll tell me to stop if you need won’t you?”

“Yes Bucky, please” you responded breathlessly.

“Begging now are we little one?” He smirked. You felt heat rush downwards at his sudden change of attitude. This man was going to be the death of you. He moved the hand on your head slowly down your front, gently brushing over your stomach before reaching your covered mound. He used featherlight touches of his flesh hand to feel the fabric of your sweatpants and found the area completely drenched.

“Oh babygirl, this all for me?”

“Of course only you Bucky, all yours”

“Mmm, all mine, I like the sound of that bubba, what do you think, huh?”

He continued those featherlight touches, stroking your clothed, and dangerously throbbing pussy.

“Buckyyy please, no more teasin’” you whined.

“Ok baby, I’ll give you what you want. But just this once all right? Next time you learn who’s in charge”

Another sinful moan escaped your lips.

“Next time?” You whimpered, a hopeful tone to your lust filled voice.

“Oh bubs you didn’t think this was a one time thing did ya? I mean you said it yourself” A bite to your neck.

“Your all mine now”

You shrieked at the pleasurable pain. He chuckled at your response and lifted you so that you were kneeling, straddling his thighs.

With one hand on your ass to keep you steady, he used the other to lift the hem of your shirt to just below your bra. He started a trail of kisses at the the top of your abdomen and moved lower and lower until he reached the elastic of your sweatpants.

“May I?”

“Yes Bucky please!” You whined

He pulled down your sweat pants never taking his eyes off your still clothed core. He made quick work of your shirt and bra, discarding them on the bedroom floor. He then moved to the elastic of your black lace panties and started slowly pulling them down your thighs.

His eyes widened at the beautiful sight in front of him and he moaned when your scent hit his nose.

“Let me taste you bubs, please”

“Yes Bucky PLEASE!” You half screamed

He wasted no more time as he dove into your soaked pussy. Sucking and licking like a man starved. He used both Arms wrapped around your ass to keep you steady as he nibbled at your clit sending indescribable waves of pleasure rushing through you.

”You taste so sweet baby girl” he mumbled against your aching core. “So fucking sweet” you whimpered in response spurring him on more.

Kitten licks and tiny kisses were placed up and down your slit before he took your swollen clit into his mouth and started sucking. Softly at first but got harder and harder as the gorgeous sounds that tumbled from your lips got louder and louder. He brought one hand down and pushed a finger, painfully slow, into your tight lil hole that had been clenching around nothing. He pumped it slowly in and out of you, mouth never ceasing it’s work on your clit.

“BUC-kyyy!” You started to scream but tried your best to quieten your self at the thought of your other teammates.

“Don’t hold back Babygirl. Let everyone is this damn compound know who’s making you feel so good” he mumbled against your pussy, the vibrations from his voice making it even better.

He pushed another finger into your dripping cunt before pulling them out and slamming them back in again and again, setting a fast and hard pace. As if that pleasure wasn’t enough, you started grinding your self against his face.

“You greedy little one, ya need more huh? Think you can take one more finger bubba?”

Without waiting for an answer he added the third finger. The pleasure he was giving you was unlike any you’d ever experienced. Each thrust of his fingers hit that sweet spot inside of you, you’d never managed to reach before.

It wasn’t long until you were clenching hard around his fingers.

“Come for me, my sweet babygirl”

“JAMESSS” You did nothing to hold back your screams as you came all over his hand and face, and he did nothing to cover the loud sinful moan that he let out in response to your use of his first name.

But he didn’t stop there. He was determined to pull another one from you. His fingers and mouth continued their assault, and sped up with his determination.

You actually screamed. “JAMES! Ah ah to much” you pathetically whimpered.

He bit down hard on your clit and you screamed once more in pure ecstasy.

He watched in awe as a completely fucked out expression took over your features.

He quickly yet carefully got to work licking up the remains of your orgasm.

You collapsed against him when he was done and Bucky gave a breathy chuckle.

“You okay bubs?”

“I’m.. perfect” you breathed, eyes closed and words slurred, high on the pleasure he had just given you.

“‘s your turn…” you whimpered eyes still closed and almost falling asleep. He chuckled again.

“Not right now little one. They’ll be plenty of time for that I promise.” He pressed a kiss to your damp forehead.

“C’mon let’s get you cleaned up”

He scooped you up in his arms, your legs wrapped around him and you head buried in the crook of his neck. He moved you to one hip so he had a free hand to grab a small towel and run it under warm water. He sat down on the toilet lid and moved you to his lap. He gently wiped around your area and you hissed from the sensitivity.

“Sorry doll” he whispered and placed another kiss to the side of your head.

“You need to go to the bathroom honey”

“Nooo sleep” you whined and he chuckled.

“C’mon bubba you have to, I’ll help you c’mon”

He lifted you again and lifted the lid to sit you on the toilet. He kneeled in front of you, and just in time cause your head lolled forward to once again bury your head in the crook of his neck. He chuckled at your sleepy state.

“C’mon bubs you have to pee, then I promise you can go to sleep”

You relented and decided to do what he said. Bucky waited for you too finish, and after a quick wipe of the still warm flannel, he lifted you back to the room.

He grabbed one of his shirts and sat you on the bed to gently lift it over your head.

“There you go little one, all ready for bed now” he placed a gentle kiss to your lips.

You hummed contently and Bucky chuckled once more. He moved you both to lie under the covers and wrapped his arms around you, lovingly and protectively.

“Night bubba”

“Night Night Bucky”

You layed in a completely peaceful silence for around two minutes and Bucky was almost sure you were already completely knocked out until he heard a faint whisper.

“Hey James?”

“Yeah little one?”

“I love you” you whispered shyly

He pulled away just enough to look at you and the moonlight streaming through the window was just enough to show the hint of tears in his eyes.

“I love you too babydoll”

You’d never felt more at peace.

[leviiattacks]

Boxer Levi & Coach Reader

author note :: i lost the ask for this, but this is not good at all. quite literally the worst thing i have ever written /srs anyways,,,,, anon said they wanted me to post it no matter what so i hope you do enjoy whatever this is,,, the pacing is non-existent and it has not been edited 👍🏼

requests are always open :-) i promise i am usually better than this,, anyway i may just use this as a rough outline for a fic 🤔

word count :: 5.4k....... yeah......

you and levi become acquainted with each other in university. it’s all very cliche if you do say so yourself. he steps in playing the role of good samaritan heroically saving your wallet and wordlessly he hands it to you even after running for the thief. the man doesn’t do as much as pant in exhaustion.

his stamina is…never mind that, his reflexes are out of this world

he expects a thank you because anyone else would expect at least a token of gratitude shown via words but the sentence you want to ask only ends up trapping itself in your throat

it comes to the point where he nods understanding maybe you have a sore throat or just don’t want to thank him at all

eyes flicking to his hands you immediately lunge forward taking your chance.

almost immediately you feel regret for holding onto the wrist of a complete and utter stranger without permission

“your stamina it’s great!” the man turns to you, he isn’t smiling but he’s definitely intrigued by the sudden change in behavior

and that’s where it all begins

levi’s horrible at getting to know strangers, even worse at forming bonds and connections. maybe that’s why he doesn’t warm up to the idea of having to deal with new people and new settings all at once

“i hope you’ve met your coach this is aman-” introductions are cut short by levi stubbornly interjecting in the middle of your sentence 

“i have, but is she you?”

pursing your lips an awkward chuckle leaves your mouth, you look around uncomfortably wondering what he means.

“well, no?”

“then i won’t box.”

?????

you don’t even know what to say??? here you were thinking maybe he would be a little more cooperative than this.

his index finger points right at you and he takes a step forwards. his shoes come into contact with yours and you find yourself holding your breath apprehensively.

“i won’t box unless it’s you in charge.”

that is when you and levi formally meet for the first time. you are but an inexperienced coach and he, an inexperienced boxer.

“i’m getting drinks you want anything?”

“oh no don’t worry i’m good!!” you smile at levi and he nods his head venturing off to buy himself a bottle of sparkling water

levi has had you coaching him for a few years now

really he doesn’t think he’s ever felt more than respect for you. respect for the way you stay back late with him to train, respect for the schedules you make him and he’s most definitely respectful of your boxing knowledge

sure out of the two of you he’s more physically capable but it doesn’t change the fact that he becomes frustrated when he’s told he has to spend a day without you.

it’s not like you think that levi cares or anything, nothing sappy like that.

he just probably hates, no, despises having to listen to anyone else’s instructions. he finds that they somehow sound demeaning or less sincere.

every instruction you give him has a reason behind it. you don’t beat around the bush and he’s stated before that he enjoys that he knows he’s developing his skill set and progressing when he’s with you.

the olympus ring - one of the largest boxing competitions known to man is approaching soon and if levi manages to place in the top two his career is set to sky rocket in no time at all

that thought makes you feel unusually nervous

worry gnaws at your mind and you wonder about whether or not he’ll replace you after the competition concludes. after all who wants a coach with little fighting experience? all you really know is from your family. your brother and father had been professional boxers years prior.

you have no doubt at all that levi will place number one that’s for sure but you really hope he doesn’t find a replacement for you.

you’ve never had much faith in your coaching and to be left behind in the dust hurts you a tiny bit but you never bring it up because you know what? levi progressing in his career will make him happy :-)

levi’s happiness over yours and it’s not good to be selfish you suppose >:(

“y/n.” he’s waving a hand in front of your face, you’re uncharacteristically quiet today and he’s caught on

“you awake?” he asks again.

upon receiving no response levi’s now waving his hand with more tenacity

“wake. up.” he flicks at your forehead and you stir a little finally coming to your senses once you see him leaning up above you.

he looks taller than normal from this angle and your cheeks blaze, he has a habit of walking around shirtless whilst training and doesn’t realise the effect it has on you

“i- yeah good totally good. just thinking.”

“thinking about?” levi kneels to the floor looking you in the eyes and your mind falters wondering when it was he began to sit so close to you. it feels like it was just yesterday when the two of you used to eat lunch separately out of embarrassment.

the silence stretches for a second too long and his eyes narrow suspiciously leaving you to think on your feet

“i well, you have a press conference soon and i have to think of transportation and-”

“coach. i can deal with that.”

you’re a little stunned when he says that because he’s never tried to take away from your responsibilities in the past. is this a hint that he no longer wants you around?

“but it’s my job?” you reply back feeling threatened

“but you’re always doing it. i can figure it out this once.”

without even hearing the rest of what you have to say he stalks back towards his punching bag leaving your chest empty

he’s definitely thinking of replacing you is what you think

really this should not be getting you worked up.

you’ve known levi for years, you should have faith in the fact he trusts you but you find yourself indulging in self doubt more often than you intend to

guilt fills you as you scroll through the multiple job listings in front of you but you have a justification. this is your lifeline, you can’t afford to lose your source of income and it’s best to be prepared

however there’s no real amount of preparation that can get you used to the prospect of not seeing levi every day

he’s sort of just made a space for himself in your daily routine

chewing at your bottom lip you can’t get through one job listing without thinking about him and you shut your laptop down thinking tomorrow will be a better day and you’ll check back in then

why does levi even matter?? he’ll officially be an ass when he dumps you of your position?? who cares about him???

but that doesn’t stop you from caring and now you’re hunched over your closed laptop trying to understand what it is that’s making you feel this way

maybe it’s the whole attachment you have with him??

he is the very first person you’ve ever coached that’s true

he’s made you proud and allowed for your name to get out there in the boxing world

maybe that’s what’s holding you back from looking into other jobs

but that reason doesn’t make much sense

you should still be frustrated with him.

AND

you most definitely should not care about how he’s doing OR worry about who’ll patch him up when he ends up stupidly injuring himself during practice (he does that a lot)

“why do i care so much for him?” you type into google thinking there’s no person on this earth that can help you with this predicament now

honestly at this point asking AI is probably going to have to be your only reliable option

tapping on one of the first links you hope to find your answer

“what happened? yeah, you had sex?” pops onto your screen and you tap off as quick as possible.

no. you did not have sex. oh god, you haven’t even touched levi much. the most you’ve done is lace your fingers with his and offer him a hug

are you meant to have… had sex???

is it wrong for you to feel that way withou-

okay enough. this has got nothing to do with sex and your feelings are still valid. maybe you are right and you’re attached to him that’s it!!! right?

scrolling further down you nearly give up until you reach another link titled “the science of caring for those who don’t care for you.”

rolling your eyes you still hesitantly tap praying you find some sort of answer

and an answer is what you find that’s for sure

staring you right in the face in bold letters

1. you feel responsible for that person

not really, he’s very independent.

2. the person is a family member

absolutely not

3. you could be romantically attracted to the person in question

…….

romantically interested?? no. that’s wrong. not true. incorrect. not right. just not real. you are not romantically attracted to levi

,,,or are you?

that does explain why he makes you feel jittery, it explains why you shivered the one time he engulfed you in a hug at his first championship

it also explains why you feel burning jealousy when a celebrity shoves their number into your hands asking you to pass it onto levi. they don’t even look at you like you’re a human being. you’re just a messenger pigeon

they’re worlds away from you. you forever stuck in your tracksuit and them - those beautiful models in skintight dresses and heels to match are stuck in a world where everything they want is handed to them. that includes men

you know it’s not their fault and you’d kill to be like them too but you guess the whole sweaty tracksuits and boxing daily has just become your niche

nonetheless levi is a man. a popular man.

and he sure as hell has no romantic interest in his clumsy, uncoordinated coach

sighing you huddle yourself into a ball choosing not to think about it anymore

but you know you’ve already come to your conclusion

you like levi ackerman more than a coach should

and it’s taken you years to take notice of it

when you became a coach you never really thought people would talk about you much

you were clearly very wrong about that. you and levi are both hot topics on discussion forums and boxing panels. luckily for you levi finds no entertainment in such forms of boxing and so never glances at them

he’s completely unaware of all the online comments. to be honest you’re happy he’s oblivious to it all. he doesn’t deserve to deal with spiteful, mean spirited jabs

you’re less like levi and find yourself aimlessly scrolling through news articles and boxing q&a pages. it’s interesting to see what people have to say on social media

but these days all the searches for your name are filled with “replaced soon?” and “not good enough to coach ackerman?”

the headlines are cruel jokes but again you’re willing to handle taking the brunt of the press’ force instead of levi. yes, even if it hurts you.

“what you reading?” levi peers over your shoulder and you nearly throw your phone away to the other side of the room but instead you choose to grip at it tightly and shove it into your chest

you grin hiding the screen away. “something private.”

levi doesn’t look like he believes you, he wants to ask if you’re okay and if you need anything because frankly you do look slightly distraught but he decides against interrogating you

“oh okay. i’ll be back. you want anything from starbucks?” he asks.

at that moment you wish he asked you if you wanted to talk about what had been bothering you

but you know even if he did ask you’d deny his help

the olympus ring’s official press conference is one in which many rivalries will be established

levi has always had an issue with zeke jaeger one of the top contenders in his division.

it’s a long story......

one which includes the purposeful injury of a mutual friend in order to sabotage his career

you remember it all, the way you had to physically hold levi back from pouncing at the man. it had been one of the most difficult things you had to do

erwin was your friend too and you wanted him to receive justice. part of you wanted to let go and allow for levi to attack zeke with his all but you chose to be levi’s coach before you were erwin’s friends

if he wasn’t going to make good decisions for himself you would do it for him

if you had let him go through with that rash choice he could have risked suspension and suspension could completely halt some careers. suspension almost always led to shorter longevity and motivation

and so that’s why you always shift to levi’s side when he walks past zeke. there’s no way you’re taking a chance. knowing levi he could lose his cool and completely pummel him with an upper cut

so that’s what you’re doing right now. trying to edge levi to the other side of the hall but he does no such thing.

“coach, do you have to be so cautious with zeke?” he finally asks with a bland look on his face

you wince a little when he doesn’t use your name and it looks like he notices the reaction. he makes no commentary on it

“this is my job. let me do it properly.” you explain nudging him to the side so your path doesn’t coincide with zeke’s

levi looks at you poking a tongue in his cheek clearly not amused nor happy

“i’ll do what i want.” and with that said and done he walks on ahead. you take note of the fact that despite saying he’ll do what he wants he does in fact comply with your instructions and walks in the opposite direction and into a nearby convenience store

sighing you rummage through your backpack trying to find your meds

your head has been pounding since you’ve arrived and you hope to fit in at least one nap

looking up to survey the area the street is clear and there is no sight of zeke. you feel at ease at that discovery, not only does he cause you discomfort but he’s a general displeasure to interact with

his tuft of dirty blonde hair irks you to no end and you’re up for no conversation with the man who who ended erwin’s career

he’s the last person you want to ever initiate small talk with.

but fate is a weird thing is it not? because as soon as you’re sure you’ve escaped the clutches of zeke jaeger you hear a chuckle behind you

“well if it isn’t levi’s side piece?”

a hand lands on your shoulder but you shake it away immediately

jaw clenching you try to ignore zeke as best you can but he continues to taunt you

“imagine if levi got an actual coach and not a whore to fuck in the gym?”

turning to face him you see him midway through shrugging his shoulders

believe it or not there had been a time where you and zeke were good friends. a time where he hadn’t let fame get to his head.

so for him to refer to you like that does make your heart sting a little

“cat got your tong-”

and there it is

the long overdue punch

it hits him right in the jaw without warning and you’re tripping trying to stop levi - who might you add has shown up from NOWHERE.

you thought he was shopping?????

“you know if i needed to swing at him i could have?!?” you whisper shout at him completely infuriated that he’s possibly thrown away his chance of competing

“you weren’t going to though.” he says plainly and you can’t deny it.

you don’t have it in you to swing at zeke.

levi doesn’t choose to inflict more pain on his opponent and instead kneels beside him leaning by his ear

you don’t know what he whispers - you’re completely out of ear shot but it’s not even thirty seconds later till levi rises and saunters away seeming content

shooting zeke an apologetic look for the over the top beating you’re surprised to see him look...regretful?

whatever levi said you wonder what it was

it’s been a solid fifteen minutes of you walking behind levi

his back is all you’ve seen so you have no idea about his mood and it’s not that you’re intimidated or anything but peering in just to look at his face is a little odd so you choose to stay a suitable distance away

“y/n.” he says finally when he reaches his hotel room.

fishing through your backpack for his keys you’re surprised when he holds your wrist to stop you

“listen to me.” he sounds calm but slightly on edge

“has zeke always said those things?”

twiddling your thumbs you awkwardly laugh

“well no, we used to be friends. remember how i told you ages ago? he was so cool back then and yeah i miss that zeke :-) but i don’t know what’s up with him.”

you’ve never really told anyone about how you feel about zeke’s hostility so you’re getting KINDA emotional right now thinking about the friend you miss

“i mean to ask, since you started coaching me has he always said that?”

“it was a bit before that but yeah. it’s no big deal at all. people change, zeke changed. i can’t do anything about it.”

moving to find his room keys again you don’t expect for him to hold his grasp

looking up at him there’s a look of simmering anger on his face

“why did you never tell me he said that about you?”

running a hand through your hair you’re only getting anxious having to deal with this in the middle of a hotel hallway

“levi. everyone says that about me. me and you are always together, all sorts of stupid rumours spread.”

“so why do you have to deal with all the malicious comments?? it’s unfa-”

“levi, the world has never been fair.”

handing him his keys he looks between you and them. he’s deciding if he wants to continue with his questioning

ultimately he decides he’s heard enough

a few hours have passed since the incident. neither you or levi have had the courage to come out of your separate rooms to discuss anything

you know you’re going to have to break the quiet and go through his possible press conference questions with him. even if you don’t want to this is your job after all.

so that’s how you end up sitting cross legged on his bed in your pyjamas. levi’s still in the shower so you’ve welcomed your self in. it’s common practice between the two of you to do so

after the one time he walked in on you naked…there’s practically nothing to hide from each other

scribbling a few ideas down onto your notepad you’re curious of what the press have in store for him this time

“yes exactly my thoughts” the sound of levi’s voice is coming from the bathroom, you suppose he’s had to take a business call and think nothing of it

“y/n?” he scoffs and you assume at first he’s calling out for you but then things take a turn for the worst

“sometimes i think about not having y/n coach me that’s all… there’s nothing wrong with that?”

oh.

so your suspicions were correct.

glancing down at the interview questions in your lap you jot down a note at the bottom

hey couldn’t stay for long but try to review the press conference questions on your own if you have the time! :-) much lov good luck, y/n !!!!

and then you retreat.

you don’t know if you make it up but you swear you hear knocking at your door during the night. you aren’t too sure but whatever it is disturbs your sleep.

stretching outside of your room the next morning you’re drowsy and beyond exhausted. you don’t even notice levi come outside.

one of his knuckles is rubbing at his bloodshot eyes. has he not slept well?

“i tried to wake you up but i guess you were asleep?” his statement comes out as a question. you’re not used to levi exhibiting much emotion at all and right now he seems unusually inquisitive.

“i was sleeping.” not even sparing him a second of your time you give him a rehearsed smile and walk off towards the hotel cafe

you can’t find the energy to even look at him

the hall is lined up with barricades to prevent possible assault or injury and you’re behind the stage with levi

the two of you have yet to say another word to each other since this morning. levi’s buttoning his shirt up and you’re looking around for his necktie. the least he can do after yesterday’s confrontation with zeke is to look presentable

“tie?” he asks over his shoulder

throwing it at him you hear a grunt of annoyance. he must have disliked that.

“can you help me with my cuff links?”

breathing out of your nose you feel anxious. you’ll have to get really close to him to do that.

but again you have to.

you take them from his hands and stand in front of him. you don’t really know how to go about this, what way is there for you to appropriately position yourself?

he’s sat on a backstage bench and checks the time on his phone “we’ve only got a few minutes left.” he’s clearly requesting that you hurry this up but you can’t seem to do it you’re completely frozen in place

“y/n, what’s wrong?” he asks

“nothing.”

he doesn’t have to know you know

“something’s wrong.”

“we’re in a hurry it doesn’t matter.” yanking him by his right sleeve you slot one of the cuff links through the slits in his shirt.

levi silently observes you fiddling with his sleeves, you can feel his stare burn into you. even as you’re moving onto the opposite side you can see from the corner of your eye that he hasn’t stopped staring

“was it something i said to you?” he asks again

a silence drags between the both of you and you debate on whether or not you’d like to enlighten levi with the information you obtained yesterday night

“more like something you didn’t say.” you finally respond.

thrusting his arm back at him his hand lands onto his lap and he opens his mouth to respond only to be cut off by an announcer

“THIS YEARS OLYMPUS RING CONTESTANTS MAY ENTER.”

crowds can be heard cheering outside but levi still hasn’t ripped his eyes off of you

“go on, maybe you’ll find a new coach after the press conference.” your bitter smile tells him all he has to know and his face visibly drops realizing what has happened

“i–”

“mr ackerman to the stage. i repeat mr ackerman to the stage!!”

he’s torn between staying behind and explaining himself or leaving to head towards one of the most important press conferences of his life

his teeth tug at his bottom lip as he looks between you and the entrance to the stage

“go levi.”

and he does.

levi’s sat on one of many chairs on the panel, he gulps taking a sip of water to calm his nerves. he’s not even nervous about the press conference, that can wait. he doesn’t know how much you’ve heard and how much you’ve misinterpreted what he’s said

he finds it weird at first that he’s even worried because you and him have a professional relationship

but then he has to stop himself from smacking the back of his own head. he knows that much isn’t true, hell if it was a strictly professional relationship he wouldn’t be walking around shirtless to get your attention

he wouldn’t lace his fingers with yours when he was nervous either 

he wouldn’t let you tend to his injuries and scold him if this was about being professional, he doesn’t tolerate being scolded by anyone but if it’s you he’ll take it

when it’s you scolding him for fucking up one of his fists it feels okay, it feels right. he feels warm inside knowing that you have to care for him if you get that angry 

he sighs feeling exasperated waiting for the last person to join the panel and get this question and answers segment over and done with

zeke makes his obnoxiously late appearance but levi doesn’t have it in him to roll his eyes. evidently he’s still stuck on you and thinking about apologizing as soon as this is finished

zeke sits right next to levi and some members of the crowd whisper amongst themselves

“have they made up?”

“think there’s gonna be another brawl??”

“i hope not they’re both my favourites…”

one of the reporters right in front of the stage but behind the barricades is the first to speak

“as we all know there has been an unmistakable sense of tension between two of the most promising contenders this year. mr ackerman and mr yaeger. would you like to put the rumours at rest?”

the question makes levi clench his jaw, zeke rolls his hands into two fists feeling just as frustrated. this is boxing not a reality tv show who cares what the terms of their long broken friendship are?

zeke nudges levi’s knee with his and levi returns the movement.

for now they’ll call a truce. it seems that both he and zeke have more pressing matters to attend to

“me and levi are bros. i’m frankly upset such a rumour started in the first place!” the crowd is mumbling again and the reporter himself is stunned by the unexpected response

“i admit that a fight which some may have saw yesterday was my fault. i had made some inappropriate comments towards his coach to get at him. it was a malicious move on my part and i hope people don’t think him and i are mortal enemies because of this bump in the road.”

zeke is so well spoken when he wants to be that levi feels self conscious sitting there having said nothing.

“mr ackerman? would you like to comment or?”

levi’s eyes light up, this is an opportunity to have you hear him. he doesn’t have to wait to explain when he can throw hints right now. you may be giving him the silent treatment but you wouldn’t miss this press conference for the world

sitting up in his chair and clearing his throat levi looks directly into one of the cameras pointed at him. he’s sure you’ll be able to see him from backstage.

“me and zeke have no other disputes apart from that i assure you. i simply value my coach greatly and so i acted rashly yesterday.”

the reporter nods along feeling pleased with the answer.

a few more questions are thrown around to the other contestants, levi sits there bored out of his mind until at the last minute before everything is just about to wrap up he’s asked a question once again

“regarding your coach, have you thought of a replacement if you win the championship?”

levi presses his lips together not understanding the question

“why would i replace my current coach?” where on earth has this question even come from??

“rumours have been flying around regarding lack of experience and the fact you’re outgrowing each other now. it’s all over boxing discussion forums.”

your hands are embarrassingly shoved into your pockets as people pass behind you backstage offering you pitiful looks. maybe wearing your bright pink team ackerman tracksuit wasn’t the best choice because everyone can hear what’s going on up front

levi’s memory flashes back to the number of times you hid your phone behind your back and awkwardly chuckled saying nothing was bothering you. he understands what you were hiding now

his mouth twists into a scowl, he knows you’re a few meters away listening to all of this and hearing it coming out of a stranger’s mouth is probably upsetting you

“i plan to stick with my coach till the day i die.”

you sit up not believing what you heard, it entirely contradicts what you heard last night

some journalists are jotting down notes, members of the audience are leaning forward listening intently

“well, why is that?” the reporter presses on

levi twirls a pen around in his hands staring off into the crowd.

“i don’t think anyone else could tolerate me.

you bite back a laugh because you know that’s true :-)

“they’re a person who saw potential in me when no one else did.”

he chuckles to himself.  “your stamina it’s great!” his witty imitation of you is rather accurate

“that was the first thing coach ever said to me.” he pauses allowing himself to reminisce.

“but i did want to drop my coach the other day.” he admits.

hearing him confess to it should make you mad, you should be pissed off right now but you can’t manage to feel that way at all

“i said it because i wanted them to relax. i never really understood the magnitude of the criticism they were receiving until recently.”

levi’s staring directly at the camera and his eyes pierce into yours, it’s as if he’s actually looking right at you

“i’d be lost without them, so i want to say to the one person rooting for me backstage, thank you for everything you do for me :-)”

you’re covering your face with your hands feeling the blush creep up your cheeks now. GOD what is he doing??? you may as well be the same colour as your tracksuit, you’ve never heard him be this sentimental in his entire life

“so no, i won’t be replacing my coach any time soon. if anything i should worry about my coach replacing me.”

levi ackerman...

he’s a HUGE idiot if he thinks you’ve ever thought of seriously replacing him

levi presses his arms against your sides when you’re both alone and in the solitude of his hotel room.

“i’m sorry for thinking you wanted to fire me.“ you mumble it into his chest feeling much too embarrassed to look up at him and say it

“also i may as well say this now but i have a fat, massive, huge crush on you “

after that you awkwardly laugh to yourself. you both kinda stare at each other and you’re meant to regret telling him how you feel right now but you don’t. having that weight lifted off your shoulders feels amazing.

"you don’t have to like me back or anything and i know you don’t like me back obviously you probably like that one actress- what was her name?? the one with the long black hair she gave you her number at a fundraiser dinner. you’d both look cute together, have i said that??”

levi gives you a blank look

“i threw her number away.”

you’re open mouthed feeling completely shocked, she’s gorgeous??

“HUH?? HELLO WHY? LEVI ACKERMAN, HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN HER??”

“i have but is she you?”

the all too familiar words from years ago ring in your ears 

nostalgia hits the both of you in waves and levi takes you in for another hug. your heart hammers in your chest and with your face pressed against him once again you can feel the irregular beat of his heart too. 

that is when you and levi formally meet for the second time. this time you are but an experienced coach and he, an experienced boxer.

:-)

[dameronology]

can i request from your agnst song lyrics list 1) "i had all of you, most of you, some and now none of you" - the night we met, lord huron? maybe from nat’s perspective bc she lost reader please? 🥺

of course!! i hope u enjoy <3 this came out in a weird format but ?? we move

natasha romanoff + ""i had all of you, most of you, some and now none of you"

Natasha could count the five occasions on her right hand during which she knew she was going to lose you. As each one passed, she could tell that you were slipping away bit by bit; at first, it was just a little. A tiny bit of distance, but something you could bounce back from. Then it became a deeper and deeper divide, until she'd passed the point of no return and lost you completely. The worst part was that she knew it was happening. She was fully aware that you were slipping through her fingers and she had done nothing to stop. There was only one person to blame, and Nat knew who it was.

The first time she knew was when she'd missed an important dinner date - a cliche, really. It had happened to everyone at some point or another but this one? It had been a particularly important one. A big PR night for the Avengers, where she'd promised to be by your side and help put on a united front. You'd set a reminder on her phone, written it on the calendar in her office, and even sent her a final text on the big day. Then her meeting had overran, and she had a conference call, and four hours later, the realisation hit her like a truck. She'd forgotten. She'd taken on too much work and let you down.

"I am so sorry!" Nat burst in the room, fiery hair all over the place. She had quickly come in a rush, and her less than subtle entrance only brought more embarrassment to the warmth on your cheeks. "I was working, and I lost track of time-"

"- you had one job, Natasha," you hissed. Standing up from the dinner table, you awkwardly moved over to her and shoved a glass of champagne in her hands. "You said you had booked the day off weeks ago."

"There isn't a day off when you're an Avenger," she softly reminded you. But, the presence of Bucky, Steve, Tony, Peter and literally every other fucking super-hero in New York told you other-wise.

"Yeah, I know," you murmured. "C'mon, let's just sit down."

"I really am sorry, honey," Nat pushed.

"I know," you repeated. "Just...be on your best behaviour for the rest of the evening."

You'd written it off as a blip; so what if Natasha had made a mistake? Despite all her prior accomplishments, she was a human being. Work was important to her and you totally got that. It was important to you as well, and you had always supported each other.

More than anything, you were just grateful it had been a work related incident than anything. The first few months of your relationship had been plagued with Nat pushing you away and consistently shutting you out - it had taken a long time for her to open up to you, and even longer for her to trust you. You were glad whatever argument had come her mess-up hadn't been her doing the same all over again.

Or so you'd hoped - because the second time she felt you slipping away? It was a little more serious.

"Natasha," you sighed, "you need to tell me these things."

"It's nothing, I promise," she murmured.

"A gunshot wound isn't nothing!" you countered. "The worst part is that I found out about it from Bucky's Snapchat story."

She frowned. "Bucky has Snapchat?"

"Yeah, he meant to to send it to Steve, but accidentally posted it publicly instead," you gave a derivative snort. "But that aside, you can't keep things like that from me. I thought we didn't have secrets. Nat."

"We don't, sweetheart," Nat replied. "I just didn't want to scare you."

"You scared me more by not telling me," you shot back. "Just...please tell me next time? Don't keep me out the loop."

She forced a smile. "I won't."

But she did.

So much so, in fact, that you found yourself almost losing Natasha completely. She would no longer tell you about where she was going on missions, or when she would be back - it was all just a giant question mark. And not that dissimilar from how it had been at the beginning of your relationship. She'd been secretive, then; keeping you out the loop and not opening up when she clearly experienced something traumatic.

You'd always been there for her, but you didn't want to force it either. You were just hyperaware that you were the only person you spoke too, and if she stopped talking to you? That meant she was bottling it all up. That was never healthy.

"Steve said there were deaths," you called after Natasha, helplessly following her through your shared apartment. "Five men down, Nat, and you don't even want to talk about it a little?"

"I'm not good at talking," Nat muttered. She stalked through to the bedroom, throwing her go-bag into the back of the wardrobe. "Don't force me."

You stopped in your tracks. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just...I don't want you to bottle it up, y'know? That's not good for you. I guess I'm just letting you know that the offer is there."

"Thank you," Nat forced a smile. Again. "I appreciate it."

"I also don't want you to shut me out," you continued. "I've been through that with you before and I don't want to do it again. It almost killed both of us."

"Hey, I'm sorry," her face fell, and she softly reached out, pulling you into a hug. "I won't shut you out. I promise."

Natasha managed to break both of her promises; the one about keeping you in the loop, the one about not shutting you out.

It came naturally to her, you see. She was a solitary person; raised by design to be self-sufficient and to not let anyone in. At the Red Room, finding support in others had been a sign of weakness and try as she might, Natasha couldn't shake the habits that were engrained into her brain. She wanted to - for you, she really did - but it was hard.

It didn't take long for things to come to a head. You weren't an idiot; you knew when Natasha was icing you out. It had hurt too much the first time round and there was no guarantee that you'd have it in you to see it through a second time. You figured that space might be good - not a break up, but just some time apart.

"Natasha, we need to talk."

She hated the words as soon as they left your mouth - so did you. There was never a good conversation that started with we need to talk. It was always either a separation or an ultimatum, and you were too tired for the latter. Proposing a break seemed like the best thing for you both.

Nat frowned. "What's up?"

"I won't beat around the bush," you began. "I think we should take some time apart."

You could see Natasha's face fall instantly, but she couldn't deny it that it hadn't come as a shock. Something - a trial separation, a break-up, an argument - had been brewing for a while. She was just good at dancing around it.

"Really?"

"Yeah," you admitted. "We're both tired and it feels like we're slipping back towards how things used to be."

"You're right," she agreed. "I'm sorry. You know I love you, right?"

You smiled. "I know - I figured you could use the time to work out what you want. See if you wanna talk to someone professionally, or if you just want to...y'know."

"Know what?"

"If you want to break-up permanently," you finished the sentence with a wobble in your voice. "Ball's in your court, Nat."

The ball was in her court - and she basically let it deflate.

Because for Natasha, emotions were scary. You'd left the apartment with a promise between you that she would be the one to make the final call.

A month and I'll call you, is she what she had said.

A month and I'll call you, is she what she had promised.

It was a slow month. You didn't hear from Natasha at all; when you went to collect your mail from the apartment, she was out. She barely showed her face at the office these days and her presence on social media was gone. Her name no longer popped up on the viewers list for your Instagram or Snapchat story. There were no more good morning texts.

Then that slow month turned in a slow five weeks. Then six. Then seven. Then two months had passed, and you hadn't heard a single thing.

Not until a cold Monday evening, when you were holed up in your new apartment watching an old episode of Seinfeld. The presence of your friends, paired with old sitcoms, was the only thing getting you through the Natasha-induced drought. A knock on the door only made it worst.

"One second!" you called.

Throwing your blanket aside, you put down your soup and shuffled over to the front door. Out of habit (one that Nat had taught you), you peered through the peephole - your heart practically stopped when you saw a head of red hair and green eyes. It was unmistakably your Natasha.

"Nat," you greeted her with a cold tone as you opened the door. "Fancy you making an appearance."

"I am so sorry," she began. "I just needed time. I needed time to think-"

"- I gave you a month!" you cut her off. "And I would have given you more if...if you had just asked. If you had just spoken to me, or communicated with me."

"I know," she murmured.

"No, Nat," you firmly said. "I don't think you do. I don't think you know at all - about what you're doing or how you're making me feel."

"I..." she trailed off. "I love you."

"You don't fucking act like it," you snorted. "I could deal with at first - all the miscommunications and random disappearances, but I'm done now."

"I just want one more chance - please?"

"No," you snapped. "You've made your bed. Now lie in it."

And she would; she would lie in it alone.

[skelswritingcorner]

Heartslabyul + Autistic!MC

This was originally posted on my Wattpad in October 2020 (link here!), but I vowed to repost my Autistic!MC UA when I got around to making this blog. This series was written to imagine what the story would generally be like with an autistic & AFAB MC and their interactions with the cast in the main story would be like.

Please note that the fic uses femminine pronouns as I was writing it with the MC being female in mind, as I am a woman myself and find it easier to write female MCs/reader inserts (I’m posting it here as it’s written on Wattpad). However, feel free to interpret this MC as any gender you may please since this doesn’t involve things like menstruation (the next two parts do involve stuff AFAB and/or trans women have). Other than that, please enjoy this fic! Under the cut due to length.

Riddle Rosehearts At first Riddle just thought she was a shy person. He had a feeling that it wasn't the case, but couldn't be bothered to ask her. Prior to his overblot, he hardly spoke to her since she was in Ramshackle dorm. However, he noticed that she regularly avoided eye contact with everybody around her. He just found MC awfully passive.

The first time he saw her at one of the Unbirthday Parties, he noticed she often spun around or paced back and forth, occasionally fidgeting with her sleeves. After the party, he entertained the idea of asking her himself about her behavior, but decided to ask Trey if he had any idea after dealing with some rule breakers. Trey couldn't exactly pinpoint anything in particular, he knew she mentioned in passing that she finds certain textures weird or wanders into a quiet location because she says 'I'm a little overwhelmed.'

After his overblot, Cater mentioned in passing how MC had no sense of danger around him, and literally approached him like normal. Everyone, even Crowley, was baffled to her behavior. "She even squished your cheeks and giggled because your skin is soft?" Riddle vaguely remembered her doing that, and the absolute confusion running through his head at her lack of fear.

When he finally asked her about it, MC replied with, "Oh, I'm on the autism spectrum. Some of my behavior might be weird, and I don't know if there's any documentation of autism in this world." After she said that, all of her behavior made sense to Riddle. He even began documenting her behaviors when he could, actions she does to calm down (aka stims), and things like her special interests. He wants to make sure he can understand her, and maybe help her advocate for herself.

Trey Clover This man's pretty chill. He notices her behavior pretty quickly. He has a little sister, and he knows certain behaviors aren't normal. However, because his sister likely isn't as old as MC, he has to talk with Cater to see if any of her behavior could be considered "normal". When Cater confirms that he never seen similar behavior in his own sisters ("Then again," Cater chuckles, "not all women are the same.").

When he asked Ace, Deuce, Grim and MC to collect chestnuts to make mont blanc he noticed how she didn't really care, but she said she kind of wanted to stretch her legs anyways.

When the five made the mont blanc, Trey noticed that MC didn't eat much of it since she said she wasn't a big fan of the texture and wasn't really hungry, and gave the rest to Grim. He kept note of it, but didn't think of asking her.

Later, when the five of them and Crowley were in the library after the events of the Unbirthday Party the day before, Trey noticed she went missing and started to panic. A little while later MC came back with a book that caught her eye. He and Crowley had a word with her to tell them next time when she's going somewhere so they don't panic again.

Out of the five dudes of Heartslabyul, he was the last to find out that MC was on the spectrum when the six of them ate Riddle's tart. She said something along the lines of, "Oyster sauce can't change the texture, but it'll make it too salty for me. Sensory inputs, y'know?" Poor dude was so confused when Cater broke the news to him, but Trey is understanding since Cater himself doesn't like certain kinds of flavors.

He might even ask MC what her favorite desserts are and try to make them for her when he has the chance.

Cater Diamond This dude's pretty easygoing, so he might be the most understanding out of everyone in Heartslabyul. When he first met MC he noticed how she paced around behind Ace and Deuce. When he asked them, Ace replied with, "Oh, she does that a lot. Says she has too much energy and has to use it somehow." He suggested that the three help him paint the roses red. They agreed to do so before class began (since Ace was wearing the collar and MC doesn't have magic, they had to use a paintbrush).

After Cater demonstrated how to paint the roses, he noticed that MC mimicked his actions exactly, down to the smallest movement. He found this interesting, even told a few of his classmates and Trey. Cater wanted to get to know her more, so he decided to talk with MC during lunch.

When he approached her, he noticed that she was somewhat shy and hardly talked much. Then again, she was eating so she likely didn't want to talk while eating food. After asking Deuce, he found out she's not exactly a talkative person.

Sometimes he noticed that she'd go into the light music room when nobody was there to study or read in peace. Part of him wanted to say hello, but he decided to respect the fact that she likely wanted some time alone and left.

When Cater came by after Trey, Ace, Deuce, Grim and MC finished making mont blanc he noticed that she didn't eat any (or had a tiny bit before giving it to Grim) because she didn't exactly like the texture. This made something click that something might be a little different with her. He decided to do some research, but couldn't find anything concrete.

During Riddle's overblot, he was shocked at MC's lack of a sense of danger and how she casually approached him and squished his cheeks and giggled uncontrollably. After the fight, she had Riddle's head resting in her lap when he asked MC about herself.

"Oh, I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't know if there's much documentation of it in this world, I hope my answer helps explain some of my behavior." this clicked with Cater, causing everything he noticed that was unique about her to finally make sense. When he finds out her special interest (let's just say it's drawing since it's one of mine), he might ask to take pictures of her with her art and post it on his Magicam account.

Deuce Spade (I basically gave up here) This confused baby...he's trying his best. He was confused when MC would randomly start crying at first, he'll try to comfort her. Sometimes he sees her spinning around or walking in circles during PE, but doesn't think of asking her about it.

When Deuce and MC went to Sam's Shop to get ingredients for Trey, he noticed how she would often glance at random objects for a moment and then focus on another. Confused him, but didn't think of asking about it.

When he had the impromptu sleepover with Ace, Grim and MC he noticed how she could ramble on and on about drawing. When he asked how she could go on about that topic and seemingly not stop Ace broke the news to him.

Now he just has more understanding of her behavior, he didn't really change much when he found out MC was autistic (other than wondering why she wanted to draw his magical wheel).

Ace Trappola This dude was pretty much the first to figure it out. When he and Grim had a quarrel on Main Street she was getting tears in her eyes randomly trying to stop everything from escalating.

Another time was when she randomly started crying in flying class, when he and Deuce asked her what was wrong she said between sniffles that sometimes she gets this urge to cry for no reason whatsoever, sometimes the same happens but she gets laughing fits.

He was the first one to find out MC is autistic when he goes to Ramshackle Dorm after he got his head 'cut off' by Riddle when she said she admired how he found advocating for himself so easily. When he asked her why, she replied with, "As someone on the autism spectrum I struggle with social skills, one of them being self advocacy."

After that, Ace tries his best to help her speak up for herself and comfort her if she randomly starts crying during class.

[cheryls-blossomed]

I've been chewing on this myself and wanted to ask you, because I always enjoy your thoughts re: Flash - when do you think it went so off course it couldn't be corrected? Because it's clear now (and has been for a while) that it's probably never getting back to being consistently decent again. If you had to pick a point of no return, what would it be?

Wow, you know, it's difficult to pinpoint one exact point of no return, because I think The Flash has had so many ups and downs in its trajectory. Having said that, upon further consideration, I think there were two episodes, actually, rather than one single point: one in season 5, when I knew the show would never be consistently decent again, and one in season 6, when I knew we'd reached the point of no return.

The first is 5x06, which is when I knew the show would never be consistently decent. Perhaps rather fitting that it was a Caitlin/Frost-centric episode, but that's not really, in and of itself, why I knew the show would never be consistently decent again from this episode onwards. Season 5 actually started off quite strong, with the episodic run of 5x01 to 5x05 ranging, imo, from very good to excellent. Then 5x06 aired, and it was some incoherent, garbled attempt at rebooting the Killer. Frost origin story, and it was just an incredibly poorly written, poorly plotted episode, but it's with the benefit of hindsight that I can say this was when the show would never be consistently decent again. The show had had terrible episodes before 5x06, but a lot of times they were isolated episodes or even stretches of episodes, before things got back on track. 5x06 was unique in that it was a terrible episode after a very strong stretch of episodes, and the whole season tonally shifted, relying on boring, monotonous story-telling and just failing in every way to capture the initial potential this show did once have. It's also when I feel like the show really doubled down on the whole Team Flash as a family notion and shoving that everywhere, because it felt like from that point on Barry and Iris couldn't have a moment to themselves, without Team Flash always up in their business. Even the better episodes post-5x06 were largely never able to be on par with episodes prior to 5x06, with the very notable exception of 6x17, which IMO remains one of the show's finest episodes. And I say this as someone who loved episodes such as 6x10, 7x17, and 7x18, for example, but you can clearly see how the show shifted focus to the construct of Team Flash heavily from 5x06 onwards, which really harmed the show and eventually led into this current heavy focus on uninteresting supporting characters, while the leading lady is sidelined.

But the point of no return, when I had essentially given up hope that this show was going to be able to turn it around, was 6x19. This was such an infuriating episode: Iris, mostly offscreen, is pushing herself to the absolute brink to save David Singh, while enduring an immense amount of pain mentally and physically to do so, and as a result of pushing herself, she disappears as the cliffhanger. She has maybe two minutes of screentime in this episode where she is enduring such pain and stress, with only Kamilla to support her, before she disappears before Kamilla's eyes. Meanwhile, what's going on outside the Mirrorverse? Team Flash has to protect Carver, because Eva is looking for him, while Mirror Singh proposes a deal to save Iris to Barry: Barry hands over Carver to Eva, and Eva will release Iris. Right before this can be put into motion, Nash Wells, who has the single distinction of not being the absolute Worst Wells, due to the existence of Sherloque, intercepts this plan. He then goes on to berate Barry for considering handing over Carver, as this means certain death for Carver. Carver, who by the way, trafficked human beings, threatened Iris, hired a literal hit on Iris, abused Eva and locked her up (like Eva was written badly for so many reasons, but at least let her kill the man after what he did to her)... somehow deserves active protection, even at the expense of Iris. This faux-moralizing bullshit, shaming Barry for even considering handing this horrific man over in order to save his wife, and the narrative acting like it's in any way right to elevate Carver's life over Iris's. Juxtaposed with Iris enduring the worst pain, because she will risk her very life to save those who need saving... it was one of the most infuriating hours of television. On top of all of this, while Iris's life is being devalued narratively, Sue gets the investigative story-line and agency in confronting Carver, and seeing two white women be valued (the other being Caitlin who was being coddled and taken care of by everyone, because of her random sickness), while Iris was being actively devalued, while barely having any screentime (and her screentime was to showcase the pain she was enduring, trying to save Singh, culminating in her disappearing completely) was so ugly on the part of TPTB and highlighted how entrenched the misogynoir is in the narrative. These are repeated harmful narrative choices TPTB make and which have resulted in the show completely unraveling. I also think this episode solidified how I viewed Eric’s show-running, and how many problems I had with whatever it was he was trying to do. And that’s the episode when I knew that I had to start divesting myself emotionally. 

I think I knew when 6x19 aired that this was the point of no return. The show was on such a downward spiral, and the harm perpetuated against Iris was going to continue.

There's so much I wish for, when it comes to this show, but most I wished this show was helmed by creators and writers that loved and cared for Iris as much as we do and that sought to protect her and shower her with love and healing and all the story-lines in the world that she deserved.

[ruckystarnes]

Title: As Long as I Can See the Light

Author: RuckyStarnes

Words: 1,660

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Wanda Maximoff

Warnings: none at all

Rating: G

Square Filled/Daily Challenge/Prompt: U2: Guitar

Written for:  @buckybarnesbingo

Summary: Steve convinces Wanda to come to the Christmas party.

Type: Moodboard/Fic

A/N: I will admit this was a caffeine fueled. Also the song is posted below, but it is written by John Fogerty, so I do not own it at all.

Wanda didn’t see Steve walk into the living room, let alone hear him when he entered the townhouse. She was too busy putting decorations on the tree, blue lights shining against the silver and red baubles and making the gold ribbon garland sparkle. He was quiet on his feet, something Wanda should have been used to as she lived with his best friend, so when she turned around, she was startled and dropped the silver ornament she was holding, causing it to shatter on the ground.

“Dočerta Steve,” she cursed, flexing her fingers to use her magic to collect the pieces of sharp glass, sending them to the breakfast bar looking into the kitchen.

“I apologize, Wanda,” Steve replied, smiling sheepishly as a blush crept up his neck. “I thought you heard me knock.”

Wanda sighed and shook her head, bending to pick up another ornament. “Don’t apologize, Steve. I was too into my head to even hear the music.” She turned to hang the bauble on a branch then looked the tree over to see where else needed a decoration.

“I miss him too, Wanda,” he said softly, and she could hear him move to sit down on one of the couches. “But he should be home before Christmas.”

Wanda only nodded, her eyes on the tree to try to hide her face from Steve. Just thinking of Bucky being gone ate at her, missing him more than she will ever admit.

They only have been dating for a few months, after spending almost a year sharing the townhouse as they tried to get back to a normal sense of living after everything fell apart. She was done trying to be a hero as she felt it brought nothing but anguish and agony to her life. Too many people she had lost, and she was determined to end that. But then there was Bucky, who felt like he needed to atone for his sins when he wasn’t even responsible for all the atrocities that HYDRA had made him do; he didn’t give it up at all, but now that they were together, he promised her that this would be the last time he would be on a mission. Promised that he will be home for Christmas.

“What are you doing here, Steve,” she asked softly, “not here just to check up on me, that’s for sure.”

“I thought we had a deal that you won’t read people’s minds without consent.”

“It’s kind of hard when your thoughts are screaming.” She rolled her eyes as she turned towards the blond, playing with her fingers. “I was being polite by asking, and giving you a chance to use your own words.”

Steve crossed his leg over the other and leaned back on the couch, his hands folded in his lap. “I wanted to make sure you were okay, and to ask if you wanted to come to the party,” he offered with a smile. “You shouldn’t have to be alone just because you walked away.”

Wanda took a deep breath and looked over at the mantle of the small fireplace where two stockings hung and pictures of Pietro and Rebecca on either side of the menorah that bought when she went back to Sokovia the year prior.

“Not sure if I’m ready for a party,” she finally replied, walking over to the fireplace, her eyes fixed on the picture of her brother.

“It’s not a big party, Wanda. It’s just us and Clint’s family. Obviously Pepper and Happy as well, but it’s small.” He stood and walked over to her, his shoulder dipping to bump into hers. “You’re family Wanda, especially to Clint and I. We want you there. Lila asked if you were going to play.”

Wanda scoffed and shook her head, looking up at her friend with a small smile.

“That’s low, playing the Lila card.”

“What can I say? The Barton kids like you. But seriously, you should come and be with family tonight. And you know it will be entertaining regardless how big it is.”

Wanda laughed softly, nodding her head. “Alright, I’ll go only because I know you have a plan on getting me there regardless. I’ll go grab my case, but I’m not changing. Tony is just gonna have to accept jeans and a sweater.”

“Place your ring finger here,” Wanda instructed, moving Lila’s finger to the correct spot on the sixth string. “Now try.”

Lila pulled her thumb over the strings and smiled when the sound came out pleasant, unlike the four tries before. “I got it!” the young teen gushed, moving her fingers to the next position, strumming the correct chords.

“Take it slow, you’ll get it. I’m going to get some punch.” Wanda stood and patted Lila’s shoulder and walked to the kitchen.

The party was just what Steve said, small. It was intimate and homey. And as much as Wanda missed Bucky, she didn’t feel lonely. It had been a few months since she had seen Clint and his family, and Nate wouldn’t leave her be for the first hour. Steve was right that Lila wanted to learn the guitar, and Cooper was like any teenage boy not wanting to be there, but pleasant.

“How are you doing, kid?” Clint asked, leaning against the counter as she laddled punch into her cup.

“You know I am almost thirty,” she retorted, turning towards him with a smile.

“Yeah, and I’m old enough to be your older brother or rather young uncle,” he teased, the smile reaching his eyes.

“I’m alright Clint, just…”

“Missing Barnes?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I know he can handle himself, but sometimes...I worry that Sam’s not enough to keep him safe.” She took a slow drink and looked out to the main room where everyone was. She saw Steve look over at them and nodded, and Laura said something to Lila, making the girl put the guitar down.

“Maybe you guys can come and visit for New Year’s,” Clint offered, his offer making Wanda look at him. She didn’t mean to gape, but Clint was pretty strict on keeping work and home separate.

“You sure? Did you even ask Laura?”

“It was Laura’s idea. She wants you two to feel welcome with us, even though I think Barnes is a bit old for you,” Clint muttered, his nose crinkling.

“Shut up, he’s younger than you,” Wanda countered, shoving his shoulder, making the archer laugh. “I don’t care if he’s ‘technically’ older than me, but he’s the same age as Steve.”

“Exactly. They’re both over a hundred,” he smirked, stepping away in time to miss her hand that was ready to smack him upside the head.

Before Wanda could contemplate on using her magic, Lila was by her dad’s side, a smile on her face.

“Can you play a song for us, Wanda?” she asked cheerfully as she raised herself on her toes and fell back down.

“Uh, sure,” she replied, looking back at Clint, “Consider yourself lucky, old man.” She gave him a smile and wink before following Lila back to the couch where the young girl set her guitar down. She could feel everyone looking at her, but she couldn’t get a feeling on why; maybe Laura had told everyone that Lila was going to ask.

“Can you play the one that you use to sing to Nate when he was baby,” Lila asked, sitting down on the couch and held out the guitar to Wanda.

“Not really a Christmas song,” Wanda mused, but shrugged and sat down next to the brunette, taking the guitar and adjusted it on her lap.

“And sing it too?” Lila beamed at her, and Wanda had to narrow her eyes at the girl, suspicious as to why she seemed almost giddy.

“Okay, here it goes.” Wanda took a breath and started to strum, her eyes focused on the neck of the guitar, working her fingers as she tried to remember the words.

“Put a candle in the window, ‘cause I feel I've got to move. Though I'm going, going I'll be coming home soon, as long as I can see the light. Pack my bag and let's get moving, ‘cause I'm bound to drift a while. Though I'm gone, gone you don't have to worry, no, as long as I can see the light.”

She took a breath, biting her lip as she played the chords, her stomach knotting as she tried to push the thoughts of Bucky out of her mind. Another shaky breath and she started the second verse.

“Guess I've got that old traveling bone, ‘cause this feeling won't leave me alone.”

Before she could go on, another voice chimed in, making her stop playing, but the person kept singing.

“But I won't, won't be losing my way, no, no. As long as I can see the light.”

Bucky.

He was standing just inside the living space, a small smile on his face. He was still in his tactical gear and sporting stubble along his jaw. Steve took the pack from his friend, patting his shoulder as he walked over to Sam who was a few feet away.

“Hey doll,” Bucky greeted, walking towards her.

Lila reached over and took the guitar from Wanda, leaning in to whisper, “Dad and Steve wanted to surprise you.”

Wanda’s eyes flitted to Clint then Steve, her mouth slightly agape before looking up at Bucky, who was now standing in front of her.

“I would have cleaned up a bit, but the punk made it clear we had to be here as soon as we landed,” he explained, kneeling down in front of her, a crooked smile still on his face.

“I don’t care,” she whispered, her hand coming up to cup his jaw, “you’re home for Christmas.” A smile pulled at her lips as she leaned in and placed a soft kiss to his lips. “Welcome home,” she murmured against his lips.