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amywarrel · 5 months

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Sonny Boy and The Lost Youth - an anime analysis by Amy Warrel

This analysis is enormous. You have been warned.

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The world is confusing. No one knows how to properly navigate it. You’ll get a grasp on it eventually and there might be people to help you out, but one day you might also drift apart. That’s a very sad notion, but it also one that reminds us of one thing: what we lived has value, those memories of old are meaningful and our connections to other people will continue to shape us long after those relations are over. Sonny Boy is not subtle in its commentary about getting lost in the world and society. The characters are all transported to a world in which their school is the whole extent of said world. Everything beyond it is pitch black; you can reach for it, but you don’t know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Inside, teenagers try to make it into a functional society, but are obviously all lacking in resources and life experience to do so. Some people are more talented or stronger than others, and that is enough for social bubbles to emerge. I’m sure most of us can relate to the notion that we are getting left behind, that other people are finding their careers, finding what they are good at, have a decent idea of what their life will be like once they step out of school or even already have a future guaranteed, but we — or I — always feel like the outcast.

As someone who spent their whole teen days knowing the only path I could pursue in life was the path of art — which ultimately led me to turn to literature —, I can highly relate to coming of age stories and the anxiety of stepping into adulthood. I can barely manage adulthood even after having been an adult for supposedly four years and “getting ready” — you eventually learn that school is not as good of a leeway into working life as you were led to expect — for it for many more years, so I can see a lot of myself in these character’s emotions, struggles and decisions.

Nagara is the closest thing to a stand-in for the audience in this show, but has enough of a personality that he does not come out as simply self-insert material. Being an introvert does not mean you don’t have a personality, it just means yours doesn’t come out as much, especially in such a confusing age and place where opening yourself up to others is hard when you don’t know how they will react and harder still when you might not even understand why you feel the way you feel. Nagara’s character is used to talk about others' expectations in a very direct way in a couple of episodes, as well as the importance of social connections, while the “speaking up for yourself'' part is also shared mainly with Mizuho.

I am surprised to see Mizuho not being revealed as a transgender character later in the series, since she is reading Stop!! Hibari-kun! In her first appearance, a 1981 manga about a transgender girl going through school who also turns out to be the daughter of a yakuza. Mizuho is by far the easiest character for me to relate to because of this, because of her relation to cats — I have more than twenty of them, it has gotten out of control, someone please help —, because I would have loved to look similar to her through my teenage days — having come out as a transgender girl myself after over a decade of suffering with gender dysphoria — and because she is just very entertaining to watch on screen. I also love her voice; Yuuki Aoi sounds like she is very close to the microphone when speaking just like how all the other characters are doing, which couples with the anime’s more simplistic art style dedicated to giving each character more distinct facial features instead of just telling everyone apart from their hair color, these being techniques that invite a lot more intimacy from the audience and drags them closer to the characters and, by extension, the themes. Having said that, something about Yuuki Aoi’s voice just entices me. I believe she communicates Mizuho’s melancholic and occasionally smug personality with impressive effectiveness.

Of course, the character’s don’t stand in school for long. The first episode’s arc is a very self-contained one about rules, authority and the dangers of it, in which losing said authority leads a kid to hit another one with a baseball bat in the head. Power is a dangerous thing, it messes with our morals, it makes us scared of risking it and can be used both for good and for evil, even by the same person. Give someone too much power and it’s a matter of time and circumstance until you get yourself a war.

I believe the first episode was presented this way with airing conditions in mind. Sonny Boy overall lands itself incredibly well on the style of episodic storytelling with a narrative and thematic throughline to glue it all together, honestly one of the best I have seen yet in that department. Making a first episode that presents the audience with a simple premise in a restricted environment is a great way to ease the viewer into the story.

That structure gets quickly expanded upon as Nozomi takes a leap of faith towards the unknown world, and all the students now find themselves on a new island and with the information that there are many “This Worlds”. All weird places that no one understands exactly, all connected in some fashion that they are still to uncover, and all of it can be conquered by the kids’ specific powers — talents, as they are thematically shown to be — and give them different rewards that they then have to learn how to use. It is not hard to see what that means: its plot significance is one of adding flavor and mystery to the world to better mark the student’s progress as they peel off the mechanics of these worlds little by little, but its thematic significance is one of putting your talents and skills to use and being rewarded for your work.

However, that is just the first episode and there are eleven more to go. Yes, I’ll be going through this commenting “briefly” about what stood out to me in every episode, which I never do, but this anime is an exception and it deserves it. Full on spoilers from now on, you have been warned.

Each episode deals with a couple of different themes but there are always one or two clearly main ones. The series is more interested in discussing these themes in its surreal world than properly grounding every facet of the worldbuilding, which is totally unnecessary once you are shining so many lights on the relevance of the themes above everything else. Yes, the anime has a lot of small little mechanics the characters need to understand about each world, but these mechanisms are generally intrinsically tied to the theme of each world, so don’t expect the type of worldbuilding we are used to seeing. It is not important that we know everything about the island, how far apart things are and where everything is being built, it is more important that we understand how the characters react to their environment and how they communicate — or attempt to — through said world.

Episode two, for instance, leads to the canonical creation of cryptocurrency by everyone’s dearest Rajdhani, but really the important aspect of it is commenting on how a society gets formed à la Lord of the Flies. There are other elements to this episode, such as Mizuho having to speak for herself as I commented earlier, the fact that value is attached to things by our own decisions and how this value can be altered through the means in which these things are obtained, but episode two is still primarily about introducing Mizuho’s character and her struggles with being a kid who wants to be more than just a kid.

I particularly love the fact that at no point does the plot judge Mizuho for having a crush on her teacher. That sort of stuff happens. She can’t be blamed for developing feelings for a figure she sees as a guiding light in a twisted world. We are very clearly led to understand that she decided to wear a ring not because she was in an actual relationship with him, but because she saw that as a stating of her own maturity. Other characters later bring attention more than once to Mizuho’s emotional dependency, it used to be put at least partially on her teacher, but because of the blackmailing she suffered and the circumstances of being stranded, that then turned exclusively to her cats. And I ask again: can she be blamed for it? No, she can’t, and I appreciate the writing for being self-aware enough to understand that and respect her character instead of turning this into what could have been a generic villainization of teen sexuality. Please note that I am only talking about her emotional dependency and her having a crush on her teacher, I am not saying that actually being involved in a romantical and or sexual relationship with a teacher is ethical, especially considering that Mizuho is sixteen years old.

One of the great things that fantastical elements in a story allows is the literalization of metaphors. Episode three does this by using a rule that makes recluse people totally isolated within a pocket dimension of endless black curtains, all connected to each other through gaps in these curtains, meaning there is a way for them to communicate with each other. In this dimension they are all doing what they want to be doing: one guy is livestreaming Pacman, there is one buff dude that only wants to work out and a girl that is sewing multiple stuffed toys… you get the idea.

Society isolates people and that should be a given in any system created by humans. There is simply too much idiosyncrasies in our relations and personalities and it would be goddam boring if everyone was the same. Of course it can get to a point where it is detrimental to the isolated person, but that begins as a way to cope with our inability to communicate with people we feel we should be able to communicate with — because everyone else does, apparently — and our interests and passions not being well-seen or simply really hard to turn into a living. Who wouldn’t like to live in a world in which subsistence is a given and we can do whatever we want and repeat our hobbies for as long as we can stand them because we enjoy it?

Some aspects of Sonny Boy’s multiple worlds can maybe be related to the concept of a noosphere: a state of evolution defined by our consciousness, mental activities and interactions with other people, it is both above and ahead of the geosphere and the biosphere and envisions a world in which Earth is essentially a super-organism and there is a layer of consciousness and information enveloping it all. I am not claiming to be an expert on the matter and maybe the creators weren’t even trying to pursue this idea in particular — seen in the fact that they like mentioning Robinson Crusoe, so you could expect then to mention the noosphere —, but the many This Worlds in the story are described as playing with consciousness and the mind. Also, in a noosphere humans would be united enough to be able to deal with global problems and Earth can self-regulate itself, which these Worlds do by their own set of rules. I’m sorry if anyone has studied this and if I said something wrong about it.

Going back to episode three, it keeps pulling the thread of commenting about isolation with things such as no one noticing these people’s disappearance except those in direct interaction with then and these people might not even go looking for the missing ones, which is certainly how most people I know describe the feeling of being depressed and the notion that no one understands them. It also has some very direct commentary about our capitalist society through reflecting on the fact that the blue flames of the island take everything away from you that you haven’t paid for and with Mizuho complaining about people wanting to be friends with her power — what she can do —, instead of with herself — who she is. It is not a particularly complex exploration of the individual's relation with capitalism and their worth in it, but at least it is something.

This episode also turns Nagara and Mizuho into a duo, which is something we are going to see a lot more of through the remaining episodes. You get the drill: they fail to communicate, fight, then manage to properly communicate — which goes hand in hand with the episode’s theme of isolation caused by an inability to communicate — and solve the issue together, yadda yadda, we have seen that before. It is executed competently and makes sense within the story, but Sonny Boy is not a non-stop flow of impressive big ideas and unexpected twists and turns leading to their incredible solution, it is that just most of the time.

Episode four then comments more directly about how talent can distance people. That is a recurring theme through the whole show, but in this episode we see a story about an ape who wanted to play baseball, but could not because of the physical liability of only having one arm, but that did not stop him from loving the sport and ending up as an arbiter, however he was seen as the common person, relegated to a background position while other, more talented and successful people shine in the spotlights, leading him to be killed by an enraged crowd for standing up to his sense of justice. Before that all the apes were indistinguishable, having to stand out on the basis of their prowess, while some people are like the blue ape, clearly different and talented enough to steal everyone’s attention and moments to shine, which leads him to forget his origin as the target of prejudice and causing harm to another victim when the goal of being perfect becomes more important than enjoying the moment and the success he already has. Ace then goes on to say that the arbiter’s death was fair because there are common people who drown other’s talents — referring to his talent and Nagara causing him to lose an important game back when they played baseball —, but of course he is totally wrong in this. Loving something and having a competitive mindset about it can blind people sometimes and Ace does not realize this, while Nozomi, being by far the most conscious of her surroundings and constantly having insights about the other kids' psychology everytime the “camera” zooms in on her eyes, is the first one to call attention to the fact that the impressive ape in the whole story is the arbiter, for standing up for himself against everyone knowing that he would be seen as the enemy.

I know most of what I just said is spelled out in the episode, but since I am committed to reviewing the whole show I have to mention these details, because Sonny Boy constantly builds upon the themes of the last episode in the next one instead of just going for unrelated yet interesting themes or repeating the same ones like I feel other shows I don’t resonate with very strongly often do.

Nagara is also shown to not have enough control of his own power to determine where he wants to go. We find out that he can only travel to other This Worlds and not back to their original one. I believe Nagara to be the carrier of this power because he is just enough of a blank-slate to fit virtually anywhere while also not feeling like he belongs in any of them, having no clear goal in life and thus not wanting to go to any place in particular, drifting through whatever comes his way. Sure, he can bring other people with him, but it’s not as if he is going to any one place.

We end this episode with the introduction of Aki-sensei, someone the kids recognize as being one of their teachers back in the real world. Aki-sensei immediately tells them that the fun and games have ended and that there is no way to go back to their original world. While a lot of what she says is put to the test later on, Aki turns out to be a figure of authority manipulating these kids and creating even more distinction between the groups, managing to bring every single person that would be willing to trust a figure who is supposed to know what she is doing while the other groups are made of the students that want to find that out for themselves. Her primary target for manipulation is Asakaze and everything that was needed for him to trust her was hearing that he was special, that he deserves special attention and that he has a special future. Again, this is dealing with the psychology of people receiving power and status, in this case especially by someone who he sees as having a better grasp on reality and thus making her words all the more meaningful.

As soon as the sides are clearly divided conflicts start emerging faster and it doesn’t take long until we see three separate groups being formed. That is expected to happen whenever there is a society, especially when it starts to grow and people gravitate towards others similar to them and in whom they believe in. Aki-sensei is not right in her manipulations by any stretch, but her presence merely accelerates an ongoing process. The meaning of Aki-sensei in the story changes a bit once when we find out she is actually not Aki-sensei but another student playing as her, changing what was a figure of authority manipulating kids in vulnerable positions to being one of those kids, just as lost or even more lost than the others, pretending to be a figure of authority who understand the world better than they do and presenting it as necessity of maintaining the status quo while framing the other kids as potentially dangerous precisely because they are trying to lay change upon the world. Knowing all of this, it is no surprise what their actions later escalate into.

One of the most interesting ideas the anime introduces is in episode six, where they find a world that is a giant cinema filled to the brim with records from Nagara’s perspective. It fits his character considering Nagara is used to spending his days as simply an observer that takes no action and the way the mechanics are played with are interesting. What if we edit the records? What if we play it backwards? It doesn’t really matter how much this amounts to, the questions are interesting enough by themselves. Not all changes made to the films actually happen, even if Nagara is present, this probably means that not everything done to the films will actually change his perception of reality. If it is something that he can’t imagine happening or doesn’t have enough suspension of disbelief to accept, then it likely doesn’t affect the real world.

Yamabiko is a particularly interesting addition to the cast: a once student turned dog who has lived for five thousand years and finally gives us some answers, claiming that the reason the drifting happens is because their principal is God, explaining that only the school and students can get adrift and that it only happens with people from the same school they went to, no matter the time in which that happened. Though there is not much that can be said about Yamabiko and the themes revolving around his character before the episode dedicated to expanding on his background, he is still a fun and mysterious character that shares good synergy with Mizuho. He does, however, say that the kids from the current drifting still have time to go back. Our experiences through a structure like school and our teenage days shape us and once we step outside of it, we aren’t the same as when we first stepped in. Since the perception of reality is an important concept in this episode, then this means that if we changed, then the world itself changed, because our reality is simply how we see it. Nozomi, for instance, keeps talking about her compass and the light she believes will guide them home, but we don’t have to actually see that light to believe her. Yamabiko on the other hand simply can’t go back, because he has lost too much and been around for too long, to the point where he doesn’t even fit the actual real world he was used to.

My favorite part of episode six is when Nozomi is talking about how she doesn’t want to walk down the safe paths people have told her about just to think “Ah, good going.” That’s not what life is for her. Nozomi is a very brave and insightful person and she wants to do what she wants to do, she is a free spirit that can appreciate the present more than all the other kids. She can get anxious and scared, but that is precisely why she does it. Nozomi wants to feel, wants to live and wants to take risks. Honestly I would like to be a little bit more like her, but I’m simply not brave enough.

Hoshi’s White Knight Syndrome is also brought to the forefront in this episode. He knew the school was going to go adrift and that is why he went to school that day, because he wanted to help these people, but this is not presented as simply altruism. Hoshi had always been drawn as creepy and scheming if not necessarily evil, but as we also find out, this desire of him to help others does not exist because he actually wants to help them, but because he has a god complex and wants to be a savior. Meaning, he’s going about it the wrong way.

Episode seven is my least favorite of the bunch simply because it was the first to come out as too heavy-handed to me. You see, a lot in fiction boils down to promises and payoffs. The ending of episode six and the entirety of episode seven gave me the impression that the series was going into another direction, having the newly discovered plot about castaways that have been adrift for longer wanting to punish Nagara for ruining their lives take a more prominent place in the story. Don’t take me wrong, I’d much rather this current story that the anime has, but it did gave me the feeling that that was the promise being made for the long run, that this was the direction it was taking and by the ending of episode seven I was expecting it to turn into something similar to “us against the government”, so finding out that was not the case was both a relief and a confusing moment. Even after watching the episode again to try and judge it in a different light already knowing how the story ends, my view on this hasn’t changed.

This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate anything that episode seven does, of course. Sonny Boy frequently calls attention to Nagara’s personality and the need to speak up for himself, but it is never offensive about it. Koumaru reaches the conclusion that Nagara can’t be blamed for drifting them and Yamabiko notes that God gave him that power with the intention of it being used for the drifting, which also means he can’t be blamed for being who he is since that power is so rooted in his personality. He can get more out of life by forming connections with people, but we don’t need to scorn him for that until he learns his lesson.

The world turned upside down is still a neat idea even if I don’t think it is used to as satisfying a conclusion as most of the other episodes do. It explores the idea of a stagnant society that makes its workers believe that they are changing it, no matter whether they believe it or even know what exactly they are supposedly doing, giving them a blind hope to help cope with their trapped situation. Since Sonny Boy constantly pulls threads from previous episodes it is pretty easy to relate this to Nozomi’s phrase of not wanting to walk down the safe path in life.

All it takes for Nagara to flip the world upside down is to take a step away from the safe spot. I get the message, but I feel like it is slightly too simplistic. Sometimes this anime does not deliver in the themes department as well as I would have liked, but thankfully the strength of the main characters is enough for me to see that as just a minor nuisance.

Episode eight, on the other hand, is among the amazing ones and it does a lot more for the characters and tone than any episode honestly even needs to in order to be satisfying. We jump from present to past as Yamabiko tells his sad story. In the present they are traveling along with Nagara, Mizuho and her cats, but the framing always keeps us close to the characters instead of zooming out to show the scenery, which is great to shorten the distance between audience and characters, hyperfocusing this episode in the people we are seeing and leaving the exploration of the world to the side for at least one episode. The muddier color design and music also helps a lot in keeping this episode tone-perfect all the way through.

The reason why I find this episode to be genius is because of how Yamabiko’s story recontextualizes the characters of Nagara and Mizuho. Yamabiko was a shut-in who simply crawled his way through life just like Nagara, but to a much more intense degree that leads him to completely isolate himself, instead of trying but not managing to speak up like how we see Nagara often doing, leading to a point where Yamabiko reacts violently to try and scare people away. He also brings attention to Mizuho’s emotional dependency by increasing that to the point where he turns into a dog to follow the lead of someone he trusts more than even himself, and it is these two things combined that eventually leads to the ruin of the people around him and himself.

Episode eight is primarily about ignoring your problems until it is too late. Yamabiko’s power gives him the ability of manifesting his mental state, this being the reason why he turned into a dog, but also being the reason why the epidemy hits Kodama and her friends. I don’t think it would be right to call these kids the new family Yamabiko has found, because his interactions happen almost exclusively with Kodama, being the pure guiding light — probably even motherly figure, since her power is called “M”, I know that might mean "Manipulate" or something, but we also know that Nagara has an issue with his mother who is herself a shut-in that doesn’t leave the house — so that he needs to go through life without thinking, leaving all his worries and objectives for someone else to decide. Thus, he is walking the “safe path” mentioned before.

The anime is clearly self-conscious about all of this, since not only do the personalities of these three characters relate in such a direct way, but also because we see Nagara saying he relates to it, while Mizuho starts the episode more playful and smuggy like we know her to be, but then gets quieter with every interlude to Yamabiko’s story. I have praised the anime for respecting its characters until now, but it is an even greater thing that it is willing to bring attention to how dangerous their paths can be. I agree with the message of following your own path and being yourself, but I am also not naive enough to pretend that all is well when it isn’t and, even taking in the fact that we all want to live our successful lives doing what we love, the world is not fair or simple enough to simply allow that to happen without any sort of friction. There are aspects of us that have to be fought against just like there are aspects of the world around us that we should fight against.

Since I mentioned music and tone, I want to take a short while to talk about the production of Sonny Boy. The reason why this anime feels like so much of a breath of fresh air is because it is almost 100% pure 2D animation, with as little post-processing and CGI as is possible. I’m not saying there isn’t great animation out there, but it honestly boggles my mind when I see so many people sharing sakuga moments from anime like Fate or Demon Slayer where half the screen is drowning beneath post-processing, artificial light from above to make every frame feel epic and world-defining and tons of CGI even if it is great CGI. I don’t want to sound like an elitist, I can enjoy those things for what they are, I’m not saying that CGI and post-processing have no place in the industry nor am I saying that the shows mentioned here are poorly produced, but every now and then I want to watch something different instead of having the feeling that every anime that ever comes out is trying to do the same thing to various different levels of success. I am eternally grateful to the team behind Sonny Boy for deciding to go with this style of production because it fits the tone of the series so much better then if it was trying to be flashy in its presentation.

Something else that I really like about the production is how the music is kept quiet. There are exceptions — especially in the last few episodes — for example in the more montage-like scenes, but generally the tracks are kept distant, while the character’s voices are kept closer, rarely having distractful lyrics, leaving the presentation and dialogue to pull most of the weight. What this also does is it keeps it from ever getting repetitive. Sometimes anime — especially more action-centered anime — will play the same tracks over and over again to the point where they run the risk of not being iconic and memorable, but also redundant and annoying. I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert in the matter, but Shouji Hata, the sound director for Sonny Boy, worked on a ton of really popular stuff, some that I even distinctly remember liking the soundtrack — such as Vinland Saga and Log Horizon —, so, if I can interpret the production this way, I also believe that a professional who has probably been working in the industry for longer than I have lived can do all of this intentionally.

Now proceeding to episode nine, this is one I’m not so hot on either. The highlights are everything related to the cats, of course. I did not expect them to start turning into actual characters — even if very simple ones — and it adds an extra layer of charm and comedy to their interactions.

I definitely enjoyed it more the second time through, knowing where the series ends and paying more attention to Asakaze’s and Nozomi’s interactions, but the overall plot and complexity of the themes just doesn’t hold up in my mind.

Aki-not-sensei wants the power of the twins, but only one of them. Since they are both the same person, this means that she only needs a part of the person being manipulated, everything else can just be thrown away and does not add up to your value — this is interesting to think about if you remember that Aki keeps pretending like she is saving the world and reducing the values of individuals she doesn’t need and overestimating others to do her deeds.

The twins are fighting over the fact that one of them has a single strand of hair more than the other. Clearly the point of this is that people overestimate the worth of some things only to pretend like they are better than others — and if these are the same people, then it can be seen as him not being able to deal with the fact he is not perfect by externalizing it into an enemy. Their power to reverse everything makes them forget the whole fight and they end up fighting eternally because you can’t simply go back, your experiences change you and nothing is accomplished by trying to go back to square one as if nothing had happened, he has to accept his own flaws and not try to reset everything to zero, but do things differently with the knowledge and experiences he gained on the way. Aki of course gets to him before he can realize any of this and the result is that by killing a part of himself, he kills the whole.

Maybe I would enjoy this episode more if it had been done with a character we already knew. Sonny Boy focuses its characterization in the four main faces of the show while leaving other characters very superficial and using them almost exclusively to explore themes. While I don’t think you can criticize the fact that the secondary characters aren’t that fleshed out since this anime is trying to do twenty times more things than most anime are, I still felt like bringing a wholly new character for this episode ultimately hurt the effectiveness of the message more than it did any other episode.

There are two characters in this show who try to mimic God: Asakaze and Hoshi. In episode 10, we see Asakaze being tricked yet again by Aki, who takes him to see the principal — God — who asks him to kill War, the character we met in Yamabiko’s flashback. Kossetsu — who we find out has the ability to read other people’s thoughts — convinces Nozomi to come along. Kossetsu loves Asakaze, but he loves Nozomi, so she wants Nozomi to help change him to a state where he might end up at her feet. Obviously, only tragedy could come from this.

Asakaze was so obsessed with the concept of a great mission reserved to him that he allowed himself to be manipulated by Aki and ended up losing sight of everything that doesn’t relate to pursuing Nozomi. He confessed to her, but got rejected because she couldn’t respect him. Asakaze then says that he was probably obsessed over her because he felt like he could never be as strong as her. At this point he realizes he should let her go, and, after conquering the world “War”, he actually manages to create death when Nozomi falls off the cliff and into the nothingness at the bottom of war, not managing to save her because as it turns out, his power is spontaneously activated. He did not want Nozomi anymore, therefore he couldn't use his powers on her. Asakaze’s power was born out of his need to keep everything and everyone at his reach. God definitely knew this and tricked him along with Aki.

The War we saw in Yamabiko’s past was still walking around, but the one we meet here is completely empty, falling to the bottom of a deep gorge yet never actually reaching it even though there is one; stagnant. Only Asakaze can bring him to the ground and his reward for that is a weapon.

War is a manifestation, a world himself, and conquering him grants you with the power to kill. There is a chance he was even tricked by God as well, since he was killing people before Asakaze, but God of course never bothered with telling him that death is a phenomenon that can happen there under specific circumstances. Since we find out that the drift was caused by the combination of Nagara, the cats and Mizuho all using their power unwillingly; Nagara creating worlds, the cats copying the kids and Mizuho putting them all in stasis because she doesn’t want to see anyone die, then conquering the world “War” gave them a power that could go against Mizuho’s power.

I like the way the world “War” is presented, as a hard to climb mountainous area that is then abruptly interrupted at the top by “a gorge that goes down forever, but the bottom is crimson.” The fall is the only thing you can expect after warring and whatever lies at the bottom of it is not going to be good. It stretches forever and is a wound delivered in the world itself. It might take time, but it will take its toll.

There might be more to be said about the imagery of War in this episode, but honestly this is all I’ve got.

Episodes eleven and twelve are a two parter to end this amazing ride. As you can expect to happen after Nozomi’s tragic end, the next episode is dedicated to mourning her loss and dealing with themes of grief and death. It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. I had a slightly hard time breathing through the entire montage opening of Mizuho and Nagara honoring their friend and seeing how far their friendship has come. It hurt seeing both of them cry, it hurt seeing two people seeing their friends crying at their side at different moments of the episode without knowing what to do about it. And, above all, it hurt seeing Mizuho say goodbye to her cats.

Years of trauma and emotional suppression rendered me completely incapable of crying out of emotion, so every story that gets me even close to it surprises me. Last time I “cried” was recently and there was but a single tear, I can’t even remember how many years it was since the last time that I actually cried my heart out, with sobbing and sniffing and stuff. Fiction is what helps me deal with this, and I’m goddamn grateful to Sonny Boy for being on the list of stories that got me close to crying.

As my favorite author — Steven Erikson — once said, “Grief is not something you overcome, but something you get used to carrying the weight of.” I might be paraphrasing that, but you get the idea. We might not see Mizuho and Nagara for long enough after Nozomi’s death to see the full repercussions of this, but we know they are going to carry the weight of everything they lived in these two years adrift for the rest of their lives.

After ten episodes commenting about how things are hard to change, we finally begin seeing some clearer changes in these last few episodes. It began with Nozomi’s death, but we also see how Yamabiko has now completely turned into a dog and doesn’t speak anymore. We see how Rajdhani’s gaze has changed and he reflects on the fact he is growing more apathetic with time. He tells us the story of a man who could not accept reality and would create images of his home and his girlfriend that were not accurate at all, trapping himself in the made-up ideal world of his mind, which relates to the relationship between Asakaze and Nozomi.

Rajdhani also tells us the story of a student obsessed with the idea of creating “death”. Perhaps this can also be interpreted as a character trying to mimic God, since he is trying to create something that was previously impossible . First time through I was sure this was Hoshi, but it is very clearly War, my bad on that. We get the information that he conducted experiments in death and suicide and can assume that he got his badges from that. He created death by rendering his identity completely void, having no desires, no reactions, no emotions and no opinions. He created death by going against everything that defines a person, becoming a mere shape.

As Rajdhani puts it, “Life is an endless exercise in vain effort. But it’s precisely because it’s meaningless that I think the brilliance of this moment in life is so precious. Because that one moment belongs to that person alone.” Ultimately, the message of Sonny Boy is wholly positive. It is realistic enough to recognize the worst parts of life and it does not pretend everything will go right simply because we want it to, but it also finds it important to remind us that, once again, everything we have lived up until that moment is what has shaped us and thus has value. We don’t have to change the world, we just have to find a place to belong in it. Nozomi’s will still lives on, her compass still points to the light, unwavering in its determination, and her mark in the world and in her friends will long outlive herself.

And in episode twelve, we get the confirmation that Nozomi had always been right. The light had been there all along, she was the only one who could see it because she was the only one who's outlook on life matched what the story is trying to convey. It takes an astronomical effort to even get there because that is how much time they lost and enduring how much the world is going to strike you down is no easy thing. They only manage to do so with the combined efforts of Nagara, Mizuho, her cats, Rajdhani and Asakaze — handing them another compass, presumably the original one. But, even after getting to the light, there is this one beautiful scene where they are only able to capture the light by the efforts of Mizuho’s and Nagara’s hands. I always found it interesting that “light” was used for the analogy of the path in life. I mean, try to grasp a light like how Nozomi was doing. She could only reach it, but could never quite hold it, at least not alone. It is light, after all, and it will slip right between your fingers.

The last episode gave me a twist in the stomach when it felt like Nagara and Mizuho weren’t going to talk, but thankfully it was just them having a hard time talking about it. We get to see glimpses of what their life is going to be from now on: Nagara getting a shitty job — yo that’s relatable, kind of —, Mizuho’s grandmother having passed away, Nozomi and Asakaze ending up in a relationship in a world in which they can respect each other. Well, now that I think about it, I don’t think anything that they do in this last episode proves that they are dating, but they are clearly in better terms than their copies that went adrift. If the copies are still adrift and those are the parts of them as people that conflicted with each other, then this original version is the one where things went better for them.

In the past, Nagara ignored the dying bird. Now he cares about the birds that have lost their mother — you could say they are stranded just like the kids were —, but Nozomi had already thought about that and took the only surviving one with her, deciding to taking care of it until it is able to fly by itself, instead of trapping the bird and not allowing it go where it needs to go in life. This interaction shows us that Nozomi is still one step ahead, still striding forward in life and doing what she believes is right. She might not be exactly the same Nozomi we know, but her essence is still the same. Yet again, I wish I could be a little bit more like her.

I am also pleased to see Nagara and Mizuho not turning into a couple. This would have come off as weird and even thematically inconsistent I would say. Since Nagara and Nozomi never ended as a couple, then him ending up with Mizuho would send the message that she was the second option, or maybe that he was looking for the wrong person in Nozomi. The point is, either of these options would have diminished the characters. If they ended up as a couple, then a short arc where they learn to respect each other and brings attention to the morality of Nagara being suddenly romantically attracted to her after finding out Nozomi is with Asakaze would have been completely necessary not to break their dynamic. Either way, I’m much more satisfied with their current friendship than I would have been if any of these characters ended up feeling like a trophy.

I don’t think there’s much more to be said, at least not now. Sonny Boy is about and trying to say a lot of stuff, much more than most anime I watch are, and it accomplishes that in a shorter runtime than most do as well. I barely mind the fact that secondary characters are abandoned or that not every episode is tone-perfect. I didn’t expect it to be and neither does it have to. While I can obviously appreciate several different kinds of stories, my tastes are always changing and I am slowly becoming aware of some elements shared between most if not all of the stories that are connecting with me on a personal level in the past few years. While I would not dare to reduce this anime to a single theme after having said all of this, I just wanted to share one more idea: this story is about the loss of innocence, but it does not end there with a negative outlook on life, it takes the extra step of being about hope for the future and acceptance of our past; acceptance, not surrender.

I’m pretty sure I have told someone that I wish I had watched this anime when I was eighteen or something, thinking that it would have been fundamental in forming my outlook on life — pretty sure it would have lead me to take on the nickname of Sonny Girl as well once I accepted my dysphoria, wait… I actually like how that sounds… — but I take that back. Stupid-ass eighteen years-old me would not have been able to appreciate it the way my current jaded one can. And that is fine, at least that is what Nozomi would try to teach me.

I ended up having a lot more to say than expected while also feeling like there was a lot more to be explored.

Of course, I can't score this anything else besides a 10/10.

Oh, and sorry for the heavy usage of em-dashes — I love these things.

#anime #art #writing #anime review #analysis #media analysis #media literacy #media criticism #madhouse #sonny boy #amy warrel

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thirdlotusprince3 · 2 months

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My Inside Out Emotions

Inside Out made me think of my own emotions as characters and what they do at the console. Maybe you relate to some of these things, and reading about my emotions makes you feel better, if it does I am happy for you. I share some things about my autism and my autism journey.

Joy

I make sure to laugh at myself to make me feel better about things. I also have lots of dreams, I want to help people, I want to travel the world, I want to discover my cultural identity, I want to create entertainment and make kids smile and comfort them. I want to raise people up, who have experienced the same challenges as me, and give them good guidance.

I am very open minded when it comes to my interests. There’s a broad range of sciences I find cool, and sports I want to try, and art forms, story genres, and music genres I like. I like abstract art and classical art. I also like cute animals and babies.

Anger.

I get triggered too easily when it comes to politics. I curse when I stub my toe. I also get angry when people underestimate me because of my autism. I am also stubborn, and I do not like to give up. I have been determined, I will not let people’s judgements determine who I am, but that has made it difficult for me in scenarios where it is better to walk away. I also hate not being able to have a say in something. I also like cool things, like action movies, martial arts and vehicles, breakdance, and video games. Also the school system sucks.

I use to get angry at math, but my mom helped me a lot.

Anxiety.

I get anxious over people judging my allergies. I get anxious in big crowds. I get anxious about bullies. I often do not know what to say in groups. I get anxious if I will ever be good enough and doubt my intelligence, because of what people have told me. I also do not ever engage in dangerous habits and am very abstinent. But I am also very diligent in my diet and avoid fast food, I still eat fries and chocolate though. I always worry if I lost something. Sometimes I have nightmares, where people laugh at what I’m saying, then they shove me, and I wake up crying. I like thrillers and mystery movies.

Also, I normally don’t talk to my peers, people my age. I like talking to adults, who they are hired to take care of me, so they have to show hospitality, or children I find adorable. I also want to be a doctor because I feel like I would do better taking care of people, that being bossed around or being in a cooperative group setting. I also almost broke down at a bowling birthday when my parents were not around. I am fine with crowds like at concerts, but struggle with social gatherings.

Sadness.

I am obsessed with melancholic songs and dramas. And I also feel sad when I think about people out there, who do not have the help they need, I am lucky to have good parents who care about me, but not everybody has that help, and that makes me feel sad.

Ennui.

I get bored when I have writer’s block. I do not really sleep well, so it is hard for me to do anything, and concentrate on things like books, when that can make me happy. I do not know how to drive, so I cannot drive to places I would enjoy. It feels easier for me not to be present, imagine or think of nothing in the moment.

I should be reading. I finished a five-hundred-page novel in a couple weeks, that’s a new achievement for me. I just lack motivation however.

Envy

My envy is a mix of innocent admiration and pettiness. I admire successful people and historical people, I want to follow them and be someone who has the power to voice a cause, I want to be someone who can entertain and spread my art and spread joy. However, my envy judges’ other people as having less challenges, when really everyone has challenges. And my Envy has a lot of tendency to compare with people, whose art gets more noticed, who gets along with people better, and that’s not healthy.

Embarrassment

I often feel embarrassed about the times, I have gotten angry at people, or when I thought doing inappropriate things was funny, when I was younger, and later realizing, it’s not funny. I also tend to want to avoid kids I met four years ago of who I was in extracurricular classes with or school classes with.

Fear.

But I am not really scared. I used to be afraid of dogs, but I met my teacher’s dog who was gentle and did not bark loudly, and now dogs are my favorite animal. I used to fear nail clippers, but now I can clip by myself. I used to be afraid of the dark and sleeping by myself. I only started sleeping by myself, during covid when people were supposed to be social distancing. I used to be afraid of flies, now I can kill a bug and place it in the trash. I more so get angry at flies than scared. I would not do anything dangerous to be cool. But there are many things I am not afraid of that people are normally afraid of, I am not afraid of blood, heights, and I can perform on stage. I am afraid of falling, but not heights. I am afraid of gore, but not blood, that’s why I cannot be a surgeon. I don’t like realistic mannequins; dead things, and I don’t like gore. I do not like unfamiliar dogs getting close to me, but I adore dogs of whom I am familiar with. I am allergic to cats, but I was at my mom’s friend’s house, she owns a cat, and I dealt with my nervousness well.

Disgust.

I’m not really socially savvy. I miss social cues people find icky, that is my autism. I also am not judgmental and jittery around ugly people, when other people might curl away more easily. But I was a very picky eater up to my mid teenage years. I hated tomatoes, avocado, spinach, I still am not use to mushrooms, boiled egg, animal fat and tendons. But my mom’s friend who is vegan, she makes a nice salad, if you add olive oil or vinegar, salad is not that bad. Also, my mom is the master of fried rice, in Chinese fried rice there is always steamed vegetables, and friend rice always makes things taste ten times better. I also have a good eye for design.

I think my Inside Out journey would be realizing, to stop fighting people who want to help me, and to go along with things that make me smarter, stronger, and healthier, even though they are hard. And would be realizing it’s okay there are people out there who don’t like me.

You know what would be funny. Like on a hot day, Ennui drank all the water and Joy, Envy, Disgust, Anger are ticked off. Sadness tells them to shut up.

or whenever my thoughts race or run, Anxiety and Fear are playing ping pong or table tennis.

#inside out 2 #inside out #disney #pixar #disney pixar #personal post #life post #my thoughts #inside out headcanons #disney headcanons #disney text #inside out text

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jmagnabo92 · 9 months

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GGSB Fest 2024 - Day 2 - Can't Dads Come, Too?

@goodgodfathersiriusblack

Prompt - Mommy and Me

Sirius has been struggling as a single dad to baby Harry after the end of the war, so he decides to join a mommy and me class.

AO3

***

Despite getting into the swing of things as he gets used to taking care of his godson in the wake of losing James and Lily, Sirius still felt like there was something Harry was missing. Given that he has left the wizarding world (to protect Harry), he’s kind of been alone and Harry’s been alone, and they both needed other people in their lives to help move on.

It wasn’t good for them to be isolated. So, he’s on a mission – to find some way to make some friends and not be so isolated.

So, when Sirius sees a sign for a mommy and me class that meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he decides that exactly what they need.

It was easy enough to find the class and Harry is giggling happily when he sees all of the kids that he could play with, but before he could put him down and possibly introduce himself, a blonde-haired woman comes up to him.

“Hi, are you lost?”

“Oh, no. I’m looking for the mommy and me class – this looks like the right place,” Sirius says, looking around. There’s kids, mums, and various toys and things meant to entertain kids from a few months to just before primary school. “Unless I’m wrong.”

“Oh, erm, no, you’re right this is the mommy and me class,” she answers, emphasis on mommy. “Which means, we’d be happy have your wife with your son here, but not you and your son.”

Sirius frowns. “Are you saying that I am unwelcome as a single father here?”

“Well, it’s just that it’s meant to be a space for stay-at-home mothers…”

“I am a stay-at-home parent,” Sirius states. “And Harry and I don’t really have anyone to go through this with, and I’m new to parenting since before I was just his godfather…”

He can see what he’s saying, the implications, dawn on the woman’s face. “I’m sorry about that, Sir, but –”

“He can join us, can’t he, Carol?” a new voice – another blonde - asks a redhaired woman. “I mean, despite the name, technically, there aren’t any rules prohibiting a single father from joining.”

The redhead, Carol, smiles and says, “Of course, you can join us.”

“Really?” Sirius asks, hopefully as Harry cheers.

“Yeah, really?” the first blonde asks. “I thought this was a mommy class.”

Carol gives her a look. “It’s my class and I wouldn’t want my brother excluded as a single father, and I don’t think it’s fair to this little cutie to be excluded either, Janet.”

The first blonde, Janet, flushes as Carol reaches up to offer Harry a little high-five. He cheerfully gives her one – well, half of one, she met him most of the way.

“That would make us so happy, wouldn’t it, Harry?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah!”

Carol smiles, “Well, then, welcome Harry and…?”

“Sirius,” Sirius states.

“And Sirius. We’re almost about to start the class, why don’t you find a seat with Harry and get to know some of the others before we start?”

“That would be lovely, thank you, Carol.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

Sirius is lead over to one of the open bean bag chairs by the other blonde (Melissa), who introduces him to a couple of brunettes, Amber and Katie, and they introduce their son and daughters – Andy, Sandy, and Miley. He introduces Harry and can’t help smiling at the idea of being other people, again.

The class, itself, ends up focusing on teaching the kids little things with toys as the mums (and Sirius) chitchat along the way. He’s quite proud of itty bitty Harry when Melissa says, “You know he’s quite advanced for his age.”

“Yeah, well, my best friends stayed home with him for a bit, and when we lost them, I sort of threw myself into teaching him things,” Sirius admits. He and Harry had spent an endless amount of days just trying to distract themselves from the entire situation and heal a bit. The loss had affected them both something terrible, and they were clinging together – hence, mommy and me class.

“It must’ve been difficult, suddenly being a dad,” Amber asks.

Sirius shrugs. “Yes and no. I just thought isolation wasn’t the best, and he’s enjoying the class so…”

“It’s a good idea to bring him, here, I think.”

“I just didn’t expect to cause a bit of a fuss,” Sirius says as he and Harry put some blocks of different shapes in the right holes. He can see Janet on the other side of the room glaring at him.

“Don’t mind Janet, she just – she’s a single mum, not by choice – and she kind of resents men right now,” Amber offers. “Especially any man that is a single dad.”

“She’s already gotten into it with another single dad that called by,” Katie says. “But unfortunately, Carol is the only one with final say and she wasn’t here that day. So, he left.”

“We should call him up and invite him,” Sirius states as not looking up from where Harry’s gleefully playing with another toy that is meant to teach numbers. “Give her something to glare about.”

Katie laughs, “You’re going to be a troublemaker, aren’t you?”

“Naturally, but at least we’re cute, right, Harry?” Sirius asks, tickling him and causing him to giggle.

“Paddy, tickle!”

Harry attempts to tickle him and Sirius makes a valiant effort to pretend that it’s working by faking his own giggle for several minutes before Carol gets everyone’s attention.

“Alright, all. It’s time for the goodbye song. Please get back into the circle with your kids.”

Everyone scrambles to their original positions and Carol starts the song. The Goodbye Song was basically saying “Goodbye, Kid name, Goodbye, kid name” until they’ve captured everyone why the bounced and clapped with their kids.

Once the song was over, they gathered their things and with Harry bundled in his arms, he heads to the door. “That was fun, wasn’t it, Harry?”

“Yeah!” Harry cheers, although he’s a little bit tired.

“Wanna come back?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, that’s good to hear,” Carol says, interrupting. “I was hoping the mishap at the start wouldn’t deter you from not returning.”

“Nah, I’m not afraid of a little glaring,” Sirius jokes. “And I do appreciate you letting us join. I think it’ll perfect for me and Harry.”

Carol smiles. “I think so, too. We’ll see you, Thursday?”

“You bet.”

“Till then.”

He and Harry wave goodbye, and then, they’re on their way home.

Mission accomplished.

#sirius black #harry james potter #sirius and harry #sirius and harry saturday #good godfather sirius black #Good Godfather Sirius Black Fest 2024 #Day 2

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raspberrylix · 10 months

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Analysis on why Seirin vs. Yōsen match is the best one in the whole series

Quick note, analysis is a strong word, this is more of an opinion essay, so think what you want. And if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong /j /lh

I’ve noticed some opinions about this topic and wanted to chime in myself. The length of this post might have gone out of hands, but if you have nothing better to do, it would be nice if anyone could read it and maybe join into the discussion.

It is not a flawless match, there are flaws and some that I would not dare to call flaws. But the reason why I loved this match so much is the characters and their conflicts, there were many of them. Unlike with other teams, Seirin only played with Yōsen once and during the first anime watch, it was clear that in the hierarchy of GoM members, Murasakibara together with the whole of Yōsen is at the very end. So, in the single game Fujimaki decided to shove 4 conflicts – Kagami vs Himuro, Murasakibara vs Kiyoshi, Kagami vs Murasakibara and Kuroko vs Murasakibara, and then the introduction of Haizaki happened and got pushed to the front before the proper conclusion to Kagami vs Himuro one. While I really liked how each of them played out, I agree with some criticism and hate how rushed everything felt. To some extent it feels like “75.5 最高のプレゼントです” (saikō no puresento desu; It’s the best present), Kuroko’s birthday OVA, talked more about the relationships between these characters than the end of the arc which maybe could be seen as time simply passing but it makes me feel a little unsatisfied. But the, realistically, having more matches would have been difficult too.

But I don’t agree with the idea that this match was bad because it wasn’t as visually out there as other ones. In my opinion it’s something that made it the game much more enjoyable. It helped seeing the characters personalities and their current struggles, it felt more real.

In the second part I will be taking about the characters themselves and earlier mentioned conflicts, mainly focusing on the first two.

Kagami vs Himuro

I really enjoyed it. The jealousy, the feeling of being left in the dust by your own mentee, the ongoing resentment of someone you saw as you own little brother. It was great. Himuro is such an interesting and lovable character, so his anger towards both Kagami and Alex is so valid and portrayed quite well, I would say.

At the same time Kagami as well – losing your older brother figure, thinking like it was your own fault, having a fight and then dipping to another side of the world before even resolving it. Having those feelings and then having to start a life in Japan alone and at the same time struggling to find friends before joining Seirin for the same reason on why he lost that connection with Himuro – for being better at basketball.

And once they meet in the match, it’s so much more personal, to both of them. We were shown Kagami struggling, his emotions getting in the way, but I believe Himuro, underneath all the rage, was maybe also feeling something similar. The game ended, Haizaki kicks Himuro, Kise and Aomine save the day, such a good moment.

It is such a good moment, that I’m conflicted if it was satisfying enough or such quick introduction of Haizaki ruined it. Because I would have loved to see more of their brotherly relationship AFTER the big resolution, but maybe quite randomly introduced side character’s exploration was not as important.

Murasakibara vs Kiyoshi

I believe it’s clear that I love Murasakibara. But I also adore Kiyoshi, so seeing them put against each other made it oh so entertaining.

The annoying part is that their conflict and just those two, the energy between them is so important to me that i probably won’t be able to write any coherent thoughts, but let me try.

Often Murasakibara’s conflict is he loves basketball, he loves it more than anyone else, but because of his build and other physical abilities, he is not getting challenged for that. He became bored. Kiyoshi was one if not the first one who did, even back in middle school. Which even then infuriated Murasakibara as he did not see Kiyoshi as a worthy opponent, the same way with Kuroko and Kagami as well. But even after crushing Kiyoshi in middle school, that guy did not back down. Oh, he did not back down and then they met in high school level game.

Another thing I love about Kiyoshi is that he might appear like a golden retriever kind of character, but he’s very smart. He’s a sharp–tongued mastermind, like look at him and Hyūga. He knows how to infuriate Mursakibara, which, together with Kiyoshi’s play, made Mursakibara enraged, which lead into Kiyoshi having to be called out until near the very end of the match.

But even more importantly, Himuro’s speech about talent, jealousy and hard work during the time out that made Mursakibara become interested in the game again, to literally put his hair up. Yōsen pulled up and then Kiyoshi came back for the last minute. He’s stubborn, which annoys already fired up Mursakibara.

And then Mursakibara got into the zone...

... And then game ended.

And then we did not get to see him play up until Last Game (have not yet read extra game, I am so sorry) and even then, once he realizes he could do more than he thought and that basketball is not actually boring, he’s crushed. Literally.

That’s just something I find so infuriating about how Murasakibara’s character is written and also treated by Fujimaki, so after writing this, and putting thoughts into words, I now get why some may not like this match.

The ending is underwhelming. Yes, we get to see Mursakibara being crushed and saying that he’ll quit but also him really not wanting to quit and being deeply hurt by the loss and then what?

That’s it.

During the birthday OVA he’s still irritated by Kiyoshi's presence and then Last Game happens.

I’d say near all of GoM arcs feel some or less satisfyingly complete, other than his and Midorima’s (on who I could go on another rant but for that some research need to be done)

To conclude this off the rails mess, the conflicts between characters had so much potential, Murasakibara is such an underdeveloped character that has been watered down for no reason. At least I can’t seem to find one. I also been hearing that last game ruined Okamura’s character but it’s hard to speak without reading the manga.

If only we got more of Yōsen.

That’s my only regret and the only reason why I could not like this match – only because it brings the issue to the light. But despite all of this, I still love it, it is still my favourite game in the whole series and each time i love it even more.

#黒子のバスケ #kurokos basketball #kuroko no basket #kuroko no basuke #murasakibara atsushi #kiyoshi teppei #kagami taiga #himuro tatsuya #knb #seirin #vs #yōsen

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mybumpbirthandbeyond · 2 years

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Healing Scars

I’m starting to sound like a broken record, and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

I was fully prepared, both mentally and physically, for a tough two weeks immediately post-op. I didn’t even entertain that it could be much better than I was anticipating. I wasn’t being pessimistic; I just wanted to be realistic. When it turned out way better than I had hoped, I was left wondering, what next?

I hadn’t put enough thought or attention what would come after. There were short milestones up to 6 weeks, but thereafter the gap gets bigger. I didn’t put thought into how I would feel or how I would deal with the magnitude of everything that has happened.

I’ve always said diastasis is so much more than a physical condition - what my diastasis has done, is in equal parts mental and emotional, as it is physical. My confidence was shattered. I was chipped away at little by little over several years until there was barely any part of me left. I tried to build a wall to protect myself and it still wasn’t enough. I’m not an arrogant person, but I used to have enough self-confidence to not be a shrinking wallflower. No matter how much the insides churned, I could turn it on, and nobody would know. I could present to hundreds of people in a room, make jokes and make direct eye contact, and my voice would never crack, and my face would show no sign of nerves. Walking into a room looking like I did before surgery, took all of that from me. It made me self-conscious like I actually did want to shrink into the wall. Or better yet, not even put myself in that situation to begin with.

Knowing who was in the room or not didn’t matter: what people thought, inevitably one single look across the room and I could feel it. I just knew. Didn’t matter what I did, or what the situation was, it happened every single time. And that was before the comments came: “You’ll not be drinking;” “good luck with everything;” (accompanied with a gesture at the tummy); or the judgmental looks when they found out the ages of my children only to assume I was on to number 2 or 3 depending on the year.

The changes that my diastasis made were both positive and negative. Without a doubt, I’m stronger than I ever was - both physically and mentally. Whilst it took all my confidence from me, I’ve had to put up with a lot and I know that no matter how it’s made me feel, my mental strength has increased tenfold. I have learned so much about my body and its capabilities - despite everything.

I get called out a lot for my grit and determination. I have truly questioned at times if I really do have it like people say I do. There are times I have felt like a complete fraud. That’s why I have always needed goals - something to work towards so I could give it my all. I had to find those time and time again in the last 4 years, because they were what kept me going when I was too tired; or I had to juggle babies on the floor as I did my exercises; or when I had just had enough of the chipping away and the mental toll.

Last year was the hardest because the big end goal was all I had, so day to day when I couldn’t train, or when I lost momentum, or when it all felt like it was for nothing, the darkness enveloped me a lot faster and took hold for a lot longer than previously. The people who don’t get it, are the ones who think surgery is now done so that’s it - you can move on. You can put all this behind you. No. It just isn’t as simple as that. If it was, I wouldn’t be struggling to explain how I’m feeling, or what I’m thinking. For all the times I have felt my team could and have read my mind - I haven’t even been able to read my own mind this time. Just like diastasis isn't just a physical condition; surgery doesn't just have physical implications. How can it? I spent 3 years building up to it. Just because I was prepared in every way, ready and excited for it, doesn't mean that it hasn't impacted me mentally and emotionally. It’s like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole into wonderland and there is no path back, just onwards into the unknown.

I know a lot of women have followed for the same reasons I started this blog and started sharing - they don’t know anyone with it and they’re looking for someone who understands. To hear and see things that resonate with them. To validate that what they’re feeling is completely acceptable and normal, or that someone else has felt the same way. I wish I could leave a trail to help others navigate this period. The truth is, I’m barely navigating it myself. I’m looking for familiar ground or something that I recognise, but there isn’t anything. In many ways, postpartum rehab was a walk in the park compared to this. I was comfortable with my diastasis and what I could do. I may not have liked it, but it was familiar. The first time there was the naivety and hope that if I worked as hard as I possibly could, I could fix this and go back to normal. The second time, I knew what I was capable of and that I had done it before, so I could do it again. It may have hurt when the results weren’t the same, but at least I could carry on anyway.

Aesthetics were never on my side, but function has always, ALWAYS been the one thing I can rely on. I was able to do high level activity beyond anything I would have ever imagined with a significant diastasis. I could push myself and push myself hard - partly because I wanted to; partly because I needed to. Now the situation has flipped - I finally have those aesthetics I have been dreaming of and longing for for years, but my function is a question mark right now. It’s tentative and uncertain.

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression - I have no fear when it comes to rehab. I’m not terrified of getting back to exercise or doing certain movements. That is all down to the fact I have been so well supported. I have the best people advising and guiding me. I couldn’t ask for a better team and I have been armed with all the knowledge I need. I always want to learn as much as possible; I always want to prepare as much as possible and give myself the best chance to give the best account of myself possible. I don’t want to let myself down, but overwhelmingly more important to me, is the fact I don’t want to let anyone else down. I don’t want to let my team down.

It’s just that this period is completely unknown. Yes, the possibilities are endless at the end of this and that is exciting; but that is also hard to comprehend at this point. The foundations part of my previous rehabs were always well mapped out, and it was only when the limitations were removed that it became unknown, but this is the opposite: it feels like I’m in a bit more of a fog from the beginning. That’s just the way it is - there are no hard and fast rules, research, or guidance for this point. Everyone will be different just like with everything else - in terms of repair, recovery and the goals they have. I’m not anxious about trying anything (although I am cautious about what I’m doing), but I want to make sure I get this part right, to make sure the rest of rehab is what I need it to be, to get to where I want to be. The gym was always my safe/secure space. The place I wasn’t defined by my diastasis; the place I could give it my everything and force myself to forget. I’m even unsure and uncertain about going back into the gym. It doesn’t feel the same right now and I don’t know why. I’m still not used to how I look; I’m still not used to how or what I feel, and I can’t even explain it to myself. I feel like I’m on a constant rollercoaster in my head and everything is spinning and all I’m trying (and failing) to do, is find a fixed point to focus on.

This won’t be forever. There will hopefully come a point when something clicks, and I’ll feel more self-assured. But I don’t yet know who I am without my diastasis and that is scary. I’ve lost so much of myself, that no matter how quickly my diastasis was corrected, the mental and emotional scars will take far longer to heal than the physical ones. The other night, I cried for what felt like no reason at all out of the blue, but the truth is, I’m overwhelmed in so many ways. I’m overwhelmed by gratitude for those on my team; I’m overwhelmed by the support from so many; and I’m overwhelmed by what has happened- not just in the last 8 weeks, but for the last 4 years. The reality is, no matter how incredible my team are, this is the part they can’t help with. Nobody really can. I have to work through it on my own and try to figure out how to feel like myself again. I knew it would hit me at some stage, and I’m pretty sure the sign that the floodgates were opening happened the week before surgery. In “Staring at the End,” I said I had to leave Antony’s course to go outside because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. These are floodgates I’ve desperately tried to keep shut for years. When I tried to explain to my husband, without knowing, he hit on almost everything that’s going on in my head. He is struggling to comprehend everything, so can’t even imagine how I’m feeling. I feel pretty helpless and lost at the minute.

A friend told me she thought I was back in the zone after seeing one of my exercise videos the other night. I had to admit that I am definitely NOT back in the zone and in reality, feel so far away from it, I’m not even on the same planet. So, for anyone looking to me for any guidance or reassurance - I’m not sure I can provide it right now, but bear with me and I’ll hopefully get there.

“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.”

#mybumpbirthandbeyond #diastasisrecti #abdominoplasty #plasticsurgery #pelvichealthphysio #pelvichealth #postpartum #postop

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raewritez · 3 years

Text

for the want of the sun | chapter thirteen: flower crowns and goodbyes

masterlist

It’s evening when Zuko returns, the last beams of light clinging to the bristles of trees and the swell of the clouds. I’ve been holed up in this cave for hours, back against the mossy stone, watching the sky roll by with little entertainment except for my imagination. I see a bird rise from the ground, its feathers a sunset sort of orange, and I can pretend for a moment that I fly away with it. Iroh’s here, too, but he’s quieter than usual. Not less cheery, but I think traveling has been taking a toll on him. He sits in the shadows tending to a pot of soup, humming a cheerful melody.

When Zuko arrives he pulls a sack from his back, the contents spilling onto the floor. I raise my eyebrows at the quantity of food, the pots and pans, and a new tea set. “Where’d you get this?” I ask, reaching for a lychee nut and rolling it between my fingers.

Zuko doesn’t look at me. “Shopping,” he grunts.

Iroh glances up at his nephew. “But where did you get the money?”

Zuko doesn’t answer, walking next to me and leaning lazily against the wall of the cave. “Do you like your new teapot?”

Iroh smiles, face weary. “To be honest, the best tea tastes delicious whether it comes in a porcelain pot or a tin cup.” He walks over to us, clasping Zuko’s shoulder. His eyes are kind. “I know we’ve had some difficult times lately. We’ve had to struggle just to get by. But it is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a simple honor in poverty.”

Zuko scoffs, “There’s no honor for me without the Avatar.”

“Zuko,” Iroh sighs. “Even if you did capture the Avatar, I’m not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.”

Zuko shrugs his hand off roughly, stepping away. “Then there’s no hope at all.” I keep quiet, not wanting to intrude on their conversation. Zuko’s princely troubles are ones I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully understand, no matter how much I care. I don’t have the responsibility he does.

When Zuko turns to leave, Iroh pulls him back. “No, Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.” Zuko only glares, pulling away from his hand. He storms off, and Iroh sighs sadly.

I stand to meet him, putting an arm around his shoulder in a loose hug. I look down at him - when did I become the taller one? I remember holding on to his leg when I was little, Zuko on the other, to keep him from leaving. My memories often feel more like dreams, something I came up with to pass the time in the lonely halls of the palace. I have to convince myself, sometimes, that it was true, that it was real. I offer him a smile. “He’ll be okay, he just needs some time.”

Iroh nods, patting my hand with warm fingers. “He struggles to see the good. He always has, ever since he was banished.”

I nod, staring off into the field where he disappeared. “Yeah, I know. That’s the good thing about being a servant, I guess. When your life has never been all that great, you can never really be disappointed. Not too much, anyway.”

He turns his head to look at me, smile lines shadowed in the sunlight. “Why don’t you go talk to him? I know you can help.”

I almost chuckle, glancing down at the ground. “I can barely get Zuko to listen to me most of the time.”

“Perhaps, but he cares for you, even if he has trouble showing it. He values what you have to say.”

“You sure about that?”

“I am.” He stares at me, then, and his eyes are warm. A sensation fills me - a ghost of a feeling. As if it was the phantom whispers of something I’d lost. “Go to him,” he smiles. “If he doesn’t listen, you can always come back. I’ll be here when you return.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

I find Zuko in the field, haloed by thistles and spring buds. The grass crunches under my feet and he perks up, eyes falling on me. When they register he rolls his eyes, falling back down to the earth.

“I don’t want to talk right now, Y/n.”

I keep walking until I reach him, plopping down next to him on the ground. “Okay.” I reach for a flower growing by his head, plucking the stem from the dirt. It’s white and lovely, the petals soft under my fingers. I fiddle with it for a moment, and Zuko turns his head at the silence.

“So, what, you’re just not gonna talk?”

I smile a bit, examining the flower in my hands. “You didn’t want me to.”

His head thuds against the ground, and he reaches his hands to push his hair away from his face. “Yeah, but you usually do anyway.”

“Do you want me to?”

“...No.”

“Okay.” I reach for another flower, red, by my feet. The petals are glossy, as if someone had poured candle wax over them. I twist its stem with the other, tying a loose knot. I can feel Zuko’s eyes on me, curious and annoyed, tracing the movement of my fingers. The stems come together, the flowers winding around each other in the front. I look at Zuko and place the crown atop his head. He sends me a weird look, hand lifting to trace it with his fingers. He doesn’t take it off, though.

I sigh. “Your Uncle is worried about you.”

He scoffs. “So you did come to talk.”

“Yeah.”

Zuko sighs, pale skin dusted in lavender as the moon starts to rise in the clearing. “There’s no point.”

“No point in what?”

“In anything. There’s nothing out here for me. Nobody’s waiting for me. My whole life is back in the Fire Nation, and if I can’t capture the Avatar and return home, what’s the point?” He was agitated now, words coming in choppy bursts of breath and brow furrowed atop his darkened eyes.

“There’s always a point, Zuko.”

His eyes cut to me, and he rolls them. He shakes his head, like an adult talking to a child. “You wouldn’t understand.”

All lightness falls from my face, and I clench my jaw. It’s my turn to scoff, now. “Wouldn’t understand? Really?” He looks back at me, eyes gleaming with surprise. “I’m an orphan, Zuko. I’m a servant. I think I know a thing or two about not having anyone waiting for me.” I see his face soften, an apology crawling its way up his throat. “My life has never had a point. The only point, according to all of you in the Fire Nation, was to serve people who happened to be born with a higher status than me. To sit still, and be quiet, and to only exist when it benefits other people. Otherwise, I was supposed to disappear. I’m just an inconvenience, right? My life has never had a point, so I’ve had to make my own. And I’m sorry you’re struggling right now, but that’s not a reason to give everything up!”

Zuko stares at me for a moment, mouth parted. The flower crown hangs lopsided on his head, and it makes him look silly. But I can’t bring myself to laugh right now, or even look at him. Sometimes even I can’t believe how frustrating he can be. So instead I stand up, brushing the dirt from my pants, and I walk away. My breath comes shallowly, and I bring my hands to my face, trying to ground myself again. The orange bird from earlier swoops by, chirping, and I feel like crying.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It’s a few hours until Zuko comes back, and when he does I don’t look up. I’ve been sitting in the cave, tracing the stone with my fingertips. It's cool to touch, and the scratches on the wall look like inscriptions if I squint hard enough. Iroh hasn’t talked to me since I returned, I think he knows that my chat with Zuko didn’t go too well. I feel Zuko brush past me, the warmth from his body sweeping over me like a breeze.

“Uncle,” he says, “I thought a lot about what you said.”

Iroh’s face lights up with a smile. “You did? Good, good.”

“It helped me realize something.” Zuko takes a breath. “We no longer have anything to gain by traveling together. I need to find my own way.”

Iroh’s expression falls, and I tense up. A pit quickly makes its way to my stomach.

Zuko’s shadow casts across the wall, and I see him approaching. He stands behind me, still, and I don’t look back. After a moment he steps beside me, and I think he might speak, but he doesn’t. He bends down and places the flower crown in front of me, and walks away. The petals look wilted already.

Iroh rises to his feet. “Zuko, wait!” I hear him run off, and I hear the jostling of the reins that the ostrich horse is wearing. Quiet words are exchanged - I cannot hear them, and I don’t try to. The sound of hoofsteps grows softer, and I know that he’s gone. I lay down against the cool floor of the cave, and try to get some sleep.

///

taglist: @aquaamethyst96

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husbandohunter · 3 years

Note

Dottore with short drabble “You only ever brought me pain and I’m sick of it.”

Something angsty pls? Thank you!

Tainted Glass [Dottore x Reader/Genshin Impact]

Synopsis: Can you escape the prison you made?

(A twisted Cinderella story. The girl was covered in cinders because she was fatally addicted to drowning in flames.)

Warnings: angst, emotional abuse, violence, death

(A/n): To be honest anon, I didn’t know what the word ‘drabble’ means until I googled it. I uh...hope you don’t mind the length :>

-----------------------

You fell back against the cold hard floor with your arms bent and head turned sideways. The stinging pain spreads across your cheek. It burns. But your mind was still trying to register what had just came into fruition.

Why?

The thought was so foreign somehow as if you could hardly believe he was doing this. But then the scene plays in your head again. You froze, your gaze enlarged and clueless while staring at the pale ground as it slowly begins to darken in the seeping movement of his menacing, haunting shadow.

"Insolent woman, you wretch!" He spat in a disgusted tone, "How dare you speak to me in such demanding manner? Have I already told you, only talk when you have something important to say?"

You didn't respond, rather you merely let the strands fall in front of your vision as you gingerly pressed your hand against the place where he hit you.

I…don't quite understand…

Dottore glowers down at your hunched form. He was never a man known for the virtue of patience. This man, the one who calls him your husband, you learned a long time ago to not meet his eyes as they would signal a hint of dominance amidst his authority, especially during moments like these. You came to feel his eyes instead, they were usually intense and full of wrath, sometimes crazed and curious while looking at his finest creations. He always loved experimenting in his labratory. After all, it was the only thing that could truly make the madman smile.

What is it that I'm missing? Where did I go wrong?

And you would do anything to obtain at least a fraction of the love he had left in his heart.

He marches onward with heavy footsteps, paying no mind to your well-being, "Tch get out of my sight. I don't have the time to entertain with anymore these theatrics."

At the sound of him leaving you darted your attention towards him, "Wait, come back. Come back, " you plea softly, "Hector…" But he ignores your call. The back of your fiance disappears behind the door and slams it with a resounding thud. He was gone. You couldn't save him.

"No," As a result, you burried your face into your palms and cried.

“I'm sorry.”

…

What is love?

Being raised in one of the most prestigious bloodlines of Fontaine, a life filled with riches since your parents were well known scholars throughout Teyvat, they provided you and your family with everything you needed. From exquisite dishes to priceless jewelry, yet even among those riches you never did find an answer to your question. They were tangibles and short-lasting, eventually leaving you with nothing until the glass of your heart was filled empty. They seemed to have cared more about their fortune along with the brightest child of their family line, your brother, a male heir, someone who fulfilled their expectations where you couldn't do so. And because he was able to give them what they wanted, he was loved.

I see, love is conditional.

Realizing that you possessed no talent to achieve what your brother had accomplished, you came to accept that you were undeserving of their love. Love was for the smart. Love was for the gifted. Love was for everything you are not. There was no place for your kind and thus you locked yourself up in your bedroom chambers along with your fragile heart where no one would try to find you, picking up the books upon the shelves and getting lost in their fantasies.

They told you many beautiful things about the world and many reasons why it was so tragic. Because they weren't real. The story begins with a princess who was a kind-hearted soul, deprived from the care of her evil stepmother and dreams of marrying a prince from a land far far away. They often end on a happily ever after with the princes finding her one true love. You've never seen anything like it. Where two people, despite the struggles they went through, loved each other unconditionally.

Unconditional love only exists in dreams.

Or so you thought to believe.

One day a man marched right at the doorsteps of your mansion. He was a student coming all the way from Sumeru Academia and had high hopes of building a business partnership with your father. The man was declined of course, you watched from the garden bushes as he was sent off back into his carriage. He stops abruptly and turns his head ajar to catch your figure, his inquisitive eyes were both striking and sharp. Like thorns of a rose that was ready to prick anyone who dares to come close. Even so, they made a very lasting impression.

Red eyes.

It was the first time that someone had looked your way.

Couple of months later, the government had arranged a grand ball where all nobles would gather and commit to building their social circle. Useless events. There was no reason for you to engage. While your parents were occupied with the latest gossips and your brother surrounded by fathers who were eager to marry their daughters to him, you snuck outside to the balcony and hid away from the crowd. Quiet at last. And as things should be. The moon was your only friend because she was just like you; half empty. Maybe that was why you still had a glimmer of hope for the other half to be filled.

Part white, you inquired, pristine and untainted. From far away it looked similar to snow.

"My, how pleasantly surprising."

While the other part was stained with black cinders.

You glanced over your shoulder to see a man leaning against the pillar. His mint coloured bangs were slicked back in a trendy fashion, complimenting the white suit he adorned himself with. The golden chains hanging around his ebony boots dangled and clanged with each step he took forward until the light finally reveals his face.

"You seem familiar," you say while squinting your eyes, "Are you the person my father rejected back in February?"

He quirks one brow and you were afraid if you had offended him. But before you could utter an apology, the man splits his lips into a toothy grin and bursts out into a maniac-like laughter. He was completely insane, you thought to yourself. Though he paid no mind to your discomfort and continued to dwell in his amusement, "Hahaha straightforward, I like it! So what if I am? Is it a requirement to be a noble for me to simply have a chat?"

"And if I may ask why?"

"Hmmm, why?" The man reaches for the balcony and presses his back there. He threw his head backward before drilling his ruby gaze into yours, "I too am not fond of annoying crowds. Those snobbish fools thinking they're above everyone else just because they have a couple of mora when that is all they are worth. It's almost too hilarious for my own good."

You could tell there was disdain in his tone. Mainly towards your father who were one of the many unkind nobles of Fontaine and was only liked because of his success. Gripping your hands upon the stone railings, you looked down at the distant trees below while the wind rustled them apart, "I can't deny that," you say dissapointedly, "It's common for nobles not to associate with lower classes as it could potentially ruin their image. Though I may not have been there but I'm sure you had much to offer in terms of your brilliance, erm, Mister…?"

"Hector," Hector placed a palm on his chest with a polite bow following suit, "Hector Dufour-Lapointé. It is a pleasure to make you an acquaintance Lady (Y/n)."

"You know my name?"

"How could I not?" Hector smirks lazily as he danced around you, "I saw you before hiding behind the rose bushes back in your estate. Quite curious why you didn't attempt to say hello."

He even remembers that too. You fiddled with the fabric of your dress, "My apologies. I'm not use to socializing so much."

“Is that so? I think you're not giving yourself enough credit," he complimented while shrugging, "This is much more entertaining than hanging in that insufferably crowded room, it was an unexpected occurence to meet you here of all places. However, I must say time can fly if I'm able to enjoy myself."

You shifted away from his stare, "You flatter me. We've only been talking for a few minutes."

"I have yet to realize it then" Hector's cheerfulness remains at stance despite your gloomy response. He leans forward like a curious child and tosses you a question, "Then allow me to ask, what brings you out here Lady (Y/n)? I don't see any reason when your family are such highly respected people of Fontaine."

"I'm not like them!" You retort instantly, causing the man to glance at you with skepticism, "I mean, I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. That's just how it is. They already have Clement after all…"

Why am I telling him this?

"Ah your brother I assume. Yes so I've heard much about his genius mind. There were a few instances where he and I collaborated at Sumeru Academia," Hector speaks as if regarding to his unpleasant memories, "Although he never said anything about having a sister."

"We're not that close. And I'm not very fond of him," you confessed bluntly.

"Neither am I," Hector agreed with a scowl, "He claims his position using the knowledge derived from history books but never tries to think beyond the norm. That ignorant mindset of his will surely be his downfall one day."

"Ignorance can lead to anyone's downfall. If they turn a blind eye to the truth, so much can be taken from them," you paused shortly from rambling too much, "That's what I read in books at least."

"As expected of your lineage," he sighs whimsically, "Such avid readers."

"Well my family prefers documents and research. I've gone through them too but I will always love reading fiction."

"Ha! Seems you really are trying to be different from the rest of your family."

Seconds turn to minutes and minutes to hours, you had already forgotten about the cold breeze despite your dress being less than ideal for the outdoors. The man, although he can be a little to blathering at times, was more than what seemed to be on the surface. At first you thought of him as someone here to take advantage of your relations to your father but he seemed so sincere when listening to your stories, so eager while expressing his thoughts and even made you laugh a couple of times. You didn't realize that the clock had already struck twelve as the guests were preparing to leave but you just weren't ready to do the same.

"Until next time (Y/n)," he takes your fingers and pressed a kiss on top of them, though you were more struck by how he addressed you without honorifics, "I look forward to speaking with you again."

A warm smile graces your lips as you cursty, "Likewise Hector. Thank you for listening to me. I know I must have taken a long time."

Hector sneered but you already learned that it was simply his way of expressing amusement, "Hardly. I was thoroughly entertained."

When your parents found out about your meeting with him, they made it clear that you would never see him again. Hector Dufour-Lapointé is what he calls himself but the real name behind this man was Hector Valliere who came from a village hidden in the west of Fontaine. Rumours said that he was chased out of his hometown by an angry mob, claiming him to be a madman conducting unethical experiments on humans. Shortly after his arrival in Sumeru, he abandoned his past identity and replaced it with a new one in order to enter the academy under legal supervision. Associating with a man of a suspicious reputation would only cause harm to your family's name. Though you could barely care much about their reputation. There was nothing for you to benefit from it.

Few weeks have passed and you evetually gave up on the thought of hearing from Hector. They were only fleeting moments, nothing more. Your routine would stay the same as you kept on plucking more books off the shelves, killing whatever time you had. However the activities you used to enjoy somehow lost it's flair and there would be a slight pain in your chest whenever you turn to a page with the princess as she is surrounded by her friends. What exactly changed? Your family still treated you the same. Did you suddenly grow bored from doing the same thing everyday? Why is it that you feel much more lonelier despite being alone for so long? It was hard to tell in a singular perspective. If only there was someone here to give you some insights on things you couldn't see…

A silver bird lands by your front window and you nearly fell out of your chair as it flapped their wings violently. A machine?! They dropped what seems to be an envelope within the thick bushes before taking off and buzzing into the evening sky. You switched off the lock and lifted the glass within a single movement, snatching the piece of paper so that the wind wouldn't blow it away. Hastily you opened it. Both curious and cautious of why would anyone send you mail in such a discreet approach.

Chère Mademoiselle (Y/n),

I can only imagine the shock of your expression once reading this letter. I'm only writing to you since I assume that your father had already told you those nasty rumours about my past. No matter. I trust that you have a good head on your shoulders to not prejudge people using such miniscule details. I wish to speak with you again. Unless you have other plans staying in that stuffy room of yours, meet me behind the clock tower at 11:00 p.m. Don't be late.

Bien à vous,

"It really is him!" The happiness spreads all across your features as you clutched the letter to your chest. For some reason, your heart wouldn't stop racing. It was a simple yet thoughful action on his part but despite how short his greeting was, every word held the weight of a thousand sparks, "I…I can't stop smiling."

And without hesitation, you prepared to leave. No one noticed your absence.

-------

It was only halfway where you realized that Hector didn't give many details redgarding why he planned this sudden event. You caught sight of him standing under the roofs with his hands hidden behind his back. He had on his signature lopsided grin, brows uneven as he glanced at you casually.

"How very punctual, were you so eager that you couldn't wait?" He teases.

"I was surprised when your bird knocked upon my window," you inform, "Is it something urgent?"

"Not at all. I merely wanted to catch up with old times," Hector tilts forward to emphasize his suggestion, "Care to indulge me for a bit?"

You crossed your arms, "Then what is it that you're hiding behind your back?"

"Hmm?" He hums, "You mean this?"

"Ah!"

Roses. A bouquet of bright red flowers were presented to you, nicely wrapped in fabric. In the language of Fontaine, recieving them could mean multiple of things and you couldn't help but feel hesitant despite his thoughtful gesture, "Why are you giving me this?"

"Is it so wrong for me to be a gentleman? I thought it would be best to prepare you a gift after you put all that effort to come out in such a late hour," Hector mused to himself, "Especially when you had to make sure no prying eyes would catch us."

You let out a small laugh before accepting the bouquet, "I wouldn't go as far to say that."

"Oh?" Although it was hard to see, Hector managed to catch a glimpse of your flushed cheeks hidden behind the flowers. A darken smirk climbs onto his face at the inviting thought of what it could mean, "Tell me more."

The whole night you both spent walking around the empty plaza with only the stars as your guide. They paved a silver path reflected in the horizon above, free flowing like one of the many watercolour paintings hung in your chambers, uncertain where they may lead but you followed them regardless. If it weren't for Hector's inivtation you might have never known about the parts of your city due to the restricted lifestyle you lived. He listened to every one of them. The stories you had to tell when there was no one for you to talk to and the complaints about your brother whenever he wanted to snitch on your actions just to get the praise out of your father. You expressed your frustrations when speaking about your incompetences, joy after reading a good fairytale book written by your favourite author, there was so much to say that you were worried if Hector soon grew tired from them.

"Go on. I'm listening."

And your heart flutters again. Suddenly everything felt so light with each step you took, it was as if you walked across the stars in the sky rather than the heavy pavement of the ground you called your home. But even if happiness was a bliss, it tormented you. Because companionship made you realize how poor your were all along. That you had everything yet you had nothing, slowly withering away like the roses you held in your hand. Convinced that your existence was worth nothing more than nothing itself. Doomed to be dismissed and forgotten. Rotting away...Hector stays by your side as you cried softly into the night.

From a distance the bell rings and echoes just like the time before during Fontaine's grand ball. Hector shows you a secret route so that no one could find you.

"Will you write to me again?"

The request was so innocent, purely from genuine intentions and devoided of anything he had in mind. Hector would always laugh in these situations when things have gone unexpectedly yet pleasingly his way but held back knowing that it would be foolish to waste such a priceless opportunity. And so he gave you his smile, one full of secrets where you had mistakened it as a promise, "Of course my dear."

Every night you could no longer fall asleep since he had occupied your thoughts completely. Sometimes you'd dream of him and their tales would unfold similarly to the ones you have read. It gone to the point where the maids would have to wake you up during late afternoons due to the dramatic change in your sleep schedule. Though, you didn't care what they did to you. As long as no one found out about your secret rendezvous.

You never thought that there'd be a day where you would voluntarily give up reading your beloved fairytales. They were now replaced by a stash of his letters that have been accumulated over the past few months. You read them each day, pacing back and forth within the walls of your room, whispering his sentences as if he were the one saying them to you. He made you feel special. You were addicted to this feeling. Eventually you managed to memorize his words by heart.

The pages of your diary were filled with notes. Like your very own fairytale carved into reality. From the rose petal, now dried, to the hairpin he snatched from a distracted merchant and a single strand of his hair you found within your cloak after a warm embrace, all of these items, a remnant of the man you loved were taped up in these pages. Sometimes you could even feel his prescence because it was all you needed. It didn't matter if Clement threw insults about how worthless your existence was, your parents could lock you in this prison if they wanted to but they shall never take away Hector from you. Never. You swear it. He was your whole world and the prince who saved you from a life made of aching emptiness. You would do anything to keep him by your side. Anything to gain his affection.

Anything.

"I had a feeling that you were the culprit dear sister."

Your arms stutters as they clutched tightly on the scrolls you took off from the shelves. The light crept into the room like arms reaching out to clutch around your ankles, warning you for trespassing. You turned around dreadfully to see Clement pressing his shoulder against the doorframe with his arms folded and a wicked expression aimed at your pitiful state.

"Why…Why are you still awake?" You say in disbelief, "I thought everyone was asleep."

"Please. Not only are you shameless but hypocritical as well. You truly are a dissapointment to our family."

"Wait," taking a step forward, you stopped him before he makes his exit, "I'll put them back. Just don't tell father about this."

But like your parents, your brother was unkind. Clement doubles over and hugs his torso, cackling through his teeth, "Is that how it is?" He swipes his arm up and you see a parchment paper held between his fingers.

"No!"

"Ma chérie (Y/n). I must say all this tenacious effort of sneaking in my letters to your window is becoming more and more tiresome. But of course, you are an exception. I want the scrolls you've mentioned the other day at my lair tomorrow evening. Make sure no one discovers this. I'm counting on you. Cordialement! Hector."

"No…" you whispered, feeling the weight of the world fall upon your shoulders as it shattered apart. Hector. If possible, you hoped that the pieces could just crush you right then and there. Your knees felt weak and a fright takes over but despite your turmoil, Clement didn't show a shred of sympathy.

"So this is why you've been acting odd lately. Pathetic," he flaps the paper tauntingly in his grasp, "I can't decide if I should be impressed or baffled by your actions. A secret romance with a criminal and the bloodline of Fontaine's most respected government associates? Even though you've hit rock bottom, you still decided to dig deeper."

"Clement you don't understand!" Stumbling upon your footsteps, you desperately tried to convey your predicament even if it meant feeding his ego, "Hector is not the man you think. He was shunned by the people of his hometown, treating him as if he were nothing. They…They ignored him! All this time he needed someone to recognize his brilliance, someone to understand." Shakily, you brought your tensed arms to your chest and screamed a silent whisper, "Someone to listen but no one did. He must have felt so alone…"

Clement flinches when you suddenly clutched onto his biceps. When he looked into your eyes, a shiver ran down his spine.

"Hector is counting on me. I'm the only one who can save him. No one else. He needs me Clement, he needs me!"

"Tch."

An ear-splitting scream of his hand against your face echoes across the room. It knocked you out of your stance and you bumped into the table, grunting while the scrolls to tumbled to the floor.

"Crazy woman, I'm embarassed to be related to you!"

While you were still trying to regain your balance, your brother had already ran off. It wouldn't be long before he alerted your parents, the clock ticking away like sand until the final hour leaves you with nothing but an empty glass.

"No," despair swallows the strength away from your legs and you crawled towards where he used to stand, "Don't take him away from me…I need him…"

I can't live without him.

Tears begin to form by the corners of your eyes as you clenched your teeth. This was no time to cry. Balling your fists, you sprinted out of the room, pushing whatever stood in your way as if you were running for your life.

And if you considered everything else, it wasn't that far from the truth.

-------

"Hector! Hector are you there?" After arriving upon his house, you began knocking on his door aggressively. The lock clicks and you were greeted by an evidently annoyed man gnawing his teeth together.

"Tsk. There better be a good reason-"

"They're coming for us! We have to go. Now. Before it's too late. My father is probably already waking and making arrangements for you to-"

"Enough, I can't even catch what you're saying," He pinches the bridge of his nose while you were still stuck in a frenzy state. He takes a step back and opens the door wider, gesturing for you to come inside, "Get in already. I have a feeling that this will be a long night."

Hector observes intently at the words you tell him.

Not out of concern but akin to the way he watches the insects react when he exposes them to a different environment.

He was a scientist after all. A madman in which you deliberately fell in love with, so much to the point that he was able to feel pity for once. How you trusted him wholeheartedly with all of your vulnerabilities, emotions and secrets like handing him your parts just so he could put you back together again. Tinkering was always one of his favourite hobbies and he couldn't help but feel a twisted sense of pride at the thought of you being completely wrapped around his finger.

Perhaps that was the reason why he loved you. Because he didn't love you. He loved you in parts.

"It was only a matter of time," Hector sighs. He sneaks his grasp into yours, knowing how much it affects you and puts on an invisible mask of deciet, "I already knew this day would happen long before anyone could have predicted it."

"You did?" With worried eyes you gazed at him, "What shall we do then?"

Knowing he hit the target, his lips begin to curl up towards his ears, showing his sharp white teeth that shone against the dim-litted room. Hector asks, "Do you love me?"

A silly question. You didn't hesitate to answer, "Of course I do. I've said it many times."

"Prove it to me," Forcing his forehead against yours, Hector commands in a dangerously low tone, "Kill your brother and only then you can truly be mine."

Your brain sutters, trying to absorb what he had just said. Kill? As in to take a life? It sounded wrong. But...was it wrong if the life belonged to someone who ruined yours?

Dumbfoundedly, you glanced into the bloody orbs of your lover, his black pupils thinning into knives while burning in the hellfire of his true colours. Hector runs a hand from the scalp of your hair, down to your cheek before gingerly sliding his fingers at your jawline. He pulled you close and whispered into your ear.

"Are you scared?"

Ah, this wasn't about your feelings. This was about him and your future and there could be no future you without him by your side.

You let your eyelids drop and leaned into his touch, "I could never be scared of you Hector. Whether it is within my power or not, I will make sure no one gets in our way. I swear it."

"Good," he continues to have you feed on his affection, "I knew I could count on you."

-----------

The news of your brother's death filled every headline Fontain had to offer. He was driven off a cliff while making a trip towards Sumeru. No one survived. The remains were so crushed to the point that authorities had trouble identifying their bodies. The only explanation they could come up with by observing the leftover tracks was that the horse must have gone out of control and ended up dragging the carriage along with it.

Ha. Serves him right.

Food poisoning. The vial Hector made was very effective. You made sure to bury it away from your mansion.

With no other choice, you became your family's next heir. Hector notifies you that he would be away for several months to solidify a unique connection with a man hailing from Snezhnaya. You didn't think he would arrive at your doorsteps with so much authority. Fatui soldiers followed from behind as the staff paved a way for them to enter. Your father was clearly displeased by his outrageous approach but he knew he was in no place to deny.

"Upon the agreement between Fontaine and Snezhnaya, Lady (Y/n) will become Harbinger Il Dottore's wife," the Duke announces, "This news will be publicly announced at the end of October."

Dottore? Is that what he calls himself?

As if claiming his victory, Dottore shoots your father a devilish smile. You could feel the dining table shake when he kept pressing his fist against the smooth surface, begrudingly congratulating you both for the new engagement. Your mother bursted into tears.

Was it worth it?

You watched both of your parents mourn silently in their own manner. Perfectly knowing that you were the main cause. But you weren't able to feel any sadness because in the end, you now had everything you've ever wanted.

The inheritance.

Their attention.

But most of all, him.

And when you were convinced that this was your happily ever after, that fairytales were not just beautiful lies for the sake of comfort, you didn't realize you were already living a life made of beautiful lies conjured by your own mind for the sake of your own comfort.

"You're nothing without me."

Dried and calloused hands squeezed around your throat as you flailed your legs against the soft fabric of the carpet floor. He encases you in a straddling position, enjoying the sight of your tortured and clenched face. Hector…no, Dottore hated it when you disobeyed him. He despised it when his creations don't work the way he wanted them to and he had no use for things that are broken.

"G-hka--k..-"

"How many times do I have to remind you to not use my birthname. Do those ears of you even function properly? Or must I fix them myself?"

You gasped for air when he relaxed his grip. Vision a blur, you coughed a few times before he pulls your arm so that you lay flushed against his chest.

"Don't forget who saved you dear (Y/n). Because of me you were able to escape that miserable life you've despised for years. I expect the utmost gratitude on your part at all times, it is only fair that I punish you for not meeting my requirements, don't you agree?" Dottore lifts his hand up to pinch your cheeks, pulling your head to stare at your eyes, "After all, there is no one else in this world who can put up with you…but me."

His words were poison in which you drank like a woman starved. It made you feel numb to the pain the more you drowned in their alluring scent, the taste was sweet, a remedy for the bitterness of reality where the man of your dreams was nothing but a cruel monster. You came to believe that the reason why he treated you so harshly was because he was scared of losing you. You were caught in the trap of what seemed to be love and devotion when truly, you were just a toy to be used at a means end. He breaks you and he puts you back together, over and over again, filling in between the cracks formed in your glass heart with the phrases you loved to hear. Just like how he filled the other holes of your life where no one else did. You called it kindness. He saw it as entertainment.

Most people pay attention to the flower's beauty but they never acknowledge the thorns hidden beneath it's blossom. That is why they bleed. They get hurt. Though, you didn't mind shedding blood if it was for his sake.

Because you would do anything for him.

You would do anything to bring back the memories of Hector Dufour-Lapointé and save him from the Harbinger that ruined his life. Your life. It wasn't his fault. You knew you could change him to what he was before because you were in love with him, that he might still in there. Somewhere.

Right?

…

Please come back.

Time continues to flow like the tears of your dying heart despite yearning for it to turn at the past. Dottore already left the room a long time ago but you didn't. Raising your head away from your hands, you peered at the door in front of you, begging desperately through a chanting record of despondence.

Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back.

Images, they slipped through your fingers, slowly becoming more distant until your mind began to see them as illusions. Dreams. Things that were not real. Telling you that your life was a lie.

"Come back to me…Hector."

Because the man you loved was withering in your memories and you couldn't do anything to save him.

A dry croak robbed you of your breath as you turned to look in the mirror.

Worthless. You were always worthless, it was what your parents told you since birth. It was what you became when he wasn't at your side because without him, your existence was worthless. You lied for him, you stole for him you, took a life for him. You destroyed yourself for him to point that it was hard to believe you were even looking at yourself.

Worthless. It's who I am.

And despite it all, you couldn't obtain his love.

(Crack).

Worthless things don’t deserved to be loved.

(Crack. Crack).

But what if it’s because I’m worthless, that he won’t love me back?

(Crack).

Your eyes jolted open, causing you to gasp sharply. When the sweet lies dispersed in your head and cleansed you of deceit, everything started to make sene. You came to realize why your wish was impossible all along.

Dottore...no, Hector, the reason wasn't because he didn't return your feelings. Neither was it due to the fact that he hurt you through his actions. Nor when he made you cry or scream for help before feeding you with more lies, thinking he would never hurt you again. It was none of those things.

It was because the man you loved this whole time was someone who could love no one but himself.

"Ha...haha," sucking in your breath, a sinister laugh escapes your mouth, "Hahahahahahaha.....!"

Everything was worthless.

You grabbed a nearby hairbrush and threw it at the mirror, watching yourself shatter into a million pieces.

There was only one thing left to do.

------

"Ugh, where is it?!"

It was late into the night where every staff had gone to sleep. The Harbinger fumbles with his keys while standing at the door of his basement as he was too busy proceeding with his research rather than considering the thought of rest. Usually he acted upon them on his own will, performing various experiments for enjoyment. However, ever since the Snezhnayan court had requested him to look into the ancient arts of alchemy, Dottore was forced to carry it out before the deadline approached. Otherwise his position as Harbinger would be revoked.

"What a bunch of self-centered blockheads. Can't they understand that it take quality time to get quality results?"

Most of his important documents were stored on the otherside. Half of it came from his father-in-law's library. He had you to thank for that.

"Ah finally," he mutters, though still dissatisfied, "I should have a word with my butler for misplacing them."

Dottore shoves the key into the lock but instead of twisting the knob he noticed something strange. It was old and had yet to be fixed but somehow he didn't have any trouble adjusting his wrist. Then he saw there were a set of freshly made fingerprints upon the smooth metallic surface. However, the only person awake at this time would be him-

An intruder!

Dottore drops everything to the ground and yanks the door open. He skittered down the stone stairs while cursing under his breath. Using the delusion gifted by the Tsaritsa, the Harbinger activated his lazer-like pillars as he took advantage of their glow to light up the unlit room.

"What in the abyss...?!"

Except it wasn't dark.

"All of these scrolls, I recognize them," without sparing a single glance, you spoke nostalgically towards the bookshelves, "It brings me so much memories..."

Dottore clenches his teeth together as his eyes shone an angry red, you were holding a torch dangerously close to his hard-earned collection, "What do you think you're doing?!" He fumed, "Put that out, AT ONCE! Don't make me repeat myself!

"They're precious to you aren't they?" You finally shifted to face him, "More than me."

"What has gotten into you?" He was about to hurl at you until he saw your torch lowering, causing him to retreat. You were strangely noncholant and he couldn't help the feeling of disturbance. Accepting that he didn't have the upperhand, Dottore decided to use a different approach, "(Y/n)."

The sound of your name falls from his lips. You faltered.

"I'm sorry for what I have done. I know I was dishonourable to you, as your husband and lover, and that you didn't deserve to see me so aggressive. You have every right to express your anger, my dear. I was in the wrong."

It was only a mask. You knew it well. But seeing him with softened eyes and a tone so comforting, made you desperately wanting to run into his arms so he could wipe away your sorrows just like once upon a time. To live happily ever after.

Hector.

Dottore runs his fingers through his hairstrands in frustration and sighs, "However the Tsarista needed me to do something very important and I can't seem to fulfill her request no matter how hard I try. It angers me. If I don't finish this, there would be no place for us to stay."

"Hector..." you sniffled quietly. He looks so much like him right now.

"Can't you see I'm doing this for you?" He consoles, yet his weapons still remain, "I only intended to make you happy and there's nothing I won't do to achieve that. How about I show-"

"Enough."

Dottore froze upon your sudden command. He didn't sense a hint of subjugation and it seemed that you had perfect control of your emotions. How very inquisitive. Did you grow immune to the style of his voice? In such a short period of time? The facade he had on was now replaced with a growling animal-like expression. You looked at him dissapointedly. His Harbinger self returned. Hector was no more.

"Ha, you're the same as always. Even before the time you became a Harbinger. The same man that I fell in love with but it is me who will never be the same again," For a moment you averted your gaze as if trying hard to swallow your own words, "Remember when we first met at the balcony? That I told you my favourite books to read are fiction? I knew they weren't real but deep down, I wanted to believe in them anyways. And you know what? They did come true, to some degree..."

As the memories come flashing back, he defenselessly watches your expression contort from sadness to a calm contemplation and finally, enraged disgust, "But you only ever brought me pain and I'm sick of it!"

Swaying the torch to the side, Dottore flinches forward but he didn't dare to come close when your current state was unpredictable to him, "I JUST WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME," you wail, I just wanted to be loved, bringing a clawed hand against your forehead and trembling upon contact, "It's all that I ask for..."

Dottore narrowed his brows. Perhaps he may have gotten too far.

"But I know it's impossible. The world is a cruel place and there's no point in trying anymore. That is why I'm going to set us free."

"...What do you mean?"

You shut your eyes closed and tossed the flaming torch to the ground. A horrified expression takes over his features. It didn't take long for the fire to begin spreading amongst the room.

"NO!" Dottore yelled powerfully, he frantically darts his gaze at all directions as they continued to flicker and blend into his precious documents. You stood still and watched him grab the ones that were intact, savouring the most he could but they slip out of his arms every time he moved. Dottore glances behind him to see a rising cage of hellfire. Then he turns to you.

" 'Til death do us part!" you laughed maniacally.

The madman looked back with angry dismay, "You're out of your mind!"

Abandoning whatever he held in his hand, Dottore spins around towards the staircase. He covers his face with his sleeve and did whatever he could to prevent the fire from touching him. However, he accidentally stumbled on his footsteps and something fell off the heights, knocking him in the face. He grunts painfully.

"That will leave a scar," you smile while he clutches at his injury, "I can break you too.”

Just like how you broke me.

Knowing that you've managed to leave a mark of your existence on him in someway, you peacefully watched your lover wobble between the hell you created. But the hell you knew was not made of scorching heat and thundering flames. Hell was empty. Hell was a void. This feeling was far too gentle to be considered hell. If he can't return your love, then at least let these caging arms bask you in the warmth you’ve always desired.

Lifting your head, you looked towards the ceiling and closed your eyes.

Ah, this cannot be death.

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omiscurls · 3 years

Note

hmm this is like my first time responding to a request thing so here goes: (slight webtoon spoilers!!)—- imagine if you/reader finds out about kaeyas secret accidentally, before he told diluc. how would he react to that? i’ve given some thought into it and i’d love to see your perspective!

dark whispers

plot: hurt/comfort, reader finds out about kaeya's secret before anyone else

contains: kaeya

warnings: WEBTOON SPOILERS, the story takes place before the start of the game, approximately 5-6 years, alcohol, acting under the influence, you can even say underage drinking, curse words

the sun had long set behind the mountains adoring the territories of mondstadt city. it's people had already closed their shops, workshops and businesses, having gone home to their families, many of them possibly already drifting off to sleep.

some individuals, as everyday, be it a workday, weekend, or a holiday, decided to go entertain themselves with different kinds of alcohol at the local tavern.

but to some of the mondstadt folk, that day, that evening was a special one, for it was a celebration of the ever so famous master crepus' adoptive son, kaeya, turning seventeen.

the night fell special even for regular customers, not only the ones celebrating, for it was rare for the master of the dawn winery himself to pour drinks and serve them at his establishment. for the birthday of his son, though, he had abandoned his normal nightly duties, and stood behind the counter for a good couple of hours, giving one speech and joining everyone in singing happy birthday for the young knight.

he had gone home around an hour ago, leaving the happy, slightly drunk bunch of customers in the hands of a younger bartender.

"alright" kaeya's older brother, and cerpus' firstborn, diluc, had made everyone quiet with the way he clapped his hands, a sly smirk on his lips as he looked his friend and brother in the eyes. diluc, being older, already knew the taste and... other qualities of alcohol a little better than the blue-haired boy, so he found nothing but amusement in the way kaeya couldn't find balance on his chair, or in how his eyes just wouldn't focus on one spot, instead wandering around the walls and ceiling of the tavern. "kaeya" he called out, making the boy face him with a dumbfounded look. "you're one round of shots behind me"

kaeya's expression changed to distressed within seconds, as he examined the three glasses before his eyes, wondering if he'll even fit those in his stomach.

"is yer head made out of stone or sum?" he slurred out "how're ya this sober?"

diluc laughed, pointing to the glasses.

"less complaining, more bottoming these out" he rushed, arms crossing at his chest, as he leaned back on his chair and observed his little brother struggle to make the decision.

"go to hell" kaeya mumbled, emptying the drinks one by one, a grimmace coming to his face right after he had laid the last glass back on the table. "what even is that?" he asked, unamused, as diluc responded happily:

"firewater."

a smile of satisfaction painted the redhead's face.

"what?" kaeya's eyes widened "how'd you even get this past father?" he leaned lower on the table, studying diluc's expression. „that’s like, forty percent sheer alcohol!”

"i have my ways" he responded enigmatically, and kaeya shook his head in resignation.

"aight" the birthday boy took a deep breath "your turn. ya don't want to loose now, do you?" remains of a grin lifted the point of his mouth, as diluc chuckled, pouring the transparent liquid into the glasses yet again.

"what's the prize?" you asked one of their friends, having come late to the scene of the challenge.

"oh, the one to loose has to do the other's chores for a month" the guy responded, eyes not darting away from how diluc managed to empty all three glasses, much to kaeya's dispair.

hours had passed, and everyone slowly left the birthday party, diluc leaving kaeya in your hands, as he helped the bartender clean up the mess the young knights had made. you asked the blue-haired boy if he wanted to get some fresh air, to which he nodded, you can't say eagerly, but nodded nonetheless. so that leaves you to where you were now, slowly walking towards your place, kaeya bumping into your side every now and then as he lost balance.

"did you have fun?" you asked happily, eyes focusing on his face, waiting for a response.

"yea" he murmured, not even sparing you a look.

"poor you, are you that wasted?" you continued, amused, as a hiccup left his throat.

"'m not wasted" he denied instantly. " 't was nice to spend some time with diluc, we all know i don't have much of that left"

your eyebrows furrow in confusion, as you stop in your tracks, making him stop, too. he seemed to have thought this was a normal thing to say, and politely waited for you to start walking again, but you didn't, instead crossing your arms, and asking again.

"what do you mean by that?"

he scoffed, almost rudely. " he's gon' hate me for life, isn't it obvious?" he slurred, head lifting to look on the starry sky, hands going deeper inside his pockets. your expression turned even more confused, as he stared up, acting like it was the most natural thing to say, and like everybody knew this.

"what's he gonna hate you for? he's your brother, he loves you deeply, right?" you wanted to rub his arm, or something, do anything to soothe the feelings that must've been eating him alive, but stayed still.

"brother" he scoffed again. you couldn't possibly see, from the angle his head was at, but hot tears flooded his eyes as he said the word out loud, and the moment of silence that came after, he used to calm down even the slightest bit. "i think that's the most beautiful lie i ever came up with, y'know? brother." he repeated.

"what- what do you mean by that?"

"i've been nothing but a useless homewrecker to his family for as long as i have been in this world. how did i ever find the audacity to call myself his brother? oh my, even i hate my guts for this." he chuckled, painful irony overflowing his voice "and my dearest, short-tempered diluc is gonna flip the fuck out, for sure"

"kaeya" you asked, growing to be scared of how mysteriously he was acting "is there anything you wish to tell me?"

you swallowed a gulp in your throat by saying that, and awaited the reply in stress, even if you didn't know why.

his gaze finally came down from the sky, as he looked at you with a sad smile.

"if it was up to me, i'd wish not to tell a soul anything. but i have been lying for far to long, and my so-called family did nothing to deserve that. nothing, nothing bad, ever, and yet they've been cursed to deal with one like me. truly unfair, the fate of this world. how kindness pays off in nothing but sorrow."

you could tell he was a bit more sober by how his words were more understandable than before, but he was still far from his right mind. you would've stopped him, but there was really no going back now, and you almost needed to hear what secret he was talking about.

"my dearest" he said, addressing you "please, do not get angry with me as well. i don't know what i'd do if i lost even more people than i intend to with this information."

after you nodded in confusion, he explained the story, briefly and in a twisted way, having little control over his slurred words.

you stood there in silence for a good long while as silent tears rolled down from both yours and his eyes.

"i'm sorry" he finally mumbled "i'm sorry, i swear i didn't do what i was designed to do, i didn't tell anyone anything, i didn't attempt to harm anyone. it wasn't my decision to make, i swear, i hold no loyalties to-"

"kaeya" you interrupted him, and he feared for the worst. "that must've been so confusing for the little kid you were"

the worried tone of your voice, the way your words were covered in affection, the way your eyes seemed to care, it all flooded his wrecked soul all too quickly and all to strongly, making him gasp for air, as if it was knocked out of his lungs.

"you- you don't think i'm a-"

"no" you interrupted again, afraid of how he might finish the sentence. "and neither will diluc. i can't promise you he won't be mad, because he probably will, but you're brothers, by blood or not. you're gonna fight and you're gonna make up, because no anger will ever top the love i'm sure he has for you. and if rougher days are really coming your way" you said, approaching him to wrap your arms around his shaky form. "then i'll stand by you to face them with you."

little did you both know. the date of diluc ragnvidr’s 18th was approaching faster than anyone could ever anticipated.

#kaeya angst #genshin kaeya #kaeya x reader #diluc #genshin boys #genshin x reader #genshin angst #genshin impact #genshin impact angst #genshin one shot #angst #hurt comfort

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agustdakasuga · 3 years

Text

Reflection Of You | Chapter 17

Genre: Historical!AU, Timetraveller!AU/ Different Dimension, Romance

Pairing: SUGA x Reader, Yoongi x Reader

Characters: Normal!Reader, Idol!Suga, King!Yoongi, Guard!Seokjin, Guard!Jungkook, RoyalAdvisor!Namjoon, Servant!Jimin, Servant!Hoseok, Prince!Taehyung

Summary: Confirming you were dating the famous Min Suga of BTS, you knew you were bound to make some enemies. But what you didn’t expect was to be cursed, leading you to meet a cold-hearted, arrogant king that shares the same face as your rapper lover.

It’s hard for Yoongi to open up. It’s hard for him to show the feelings that he’s been bottling up all those years. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let all of them go.

Seokjin had come to inform you that Yoongi requested your company for dinner in the dining room. He waited for you to freshen up and escorted you and Jimin there. It was like deja vu as you took your seat to wait for Yoongi.

“The great king of Joseon, Min Yoongi, will be making his entrance.” Jungkook announced. Seokjin and Jimin bowed.

“Long live the king.” They chorused. You remained seated this time, not even standing or bowing to Yoongi. Yoongi entered and stared at your still seated form, a small smile grazing his lips. You will never change and that’s what he liked about you.

“Still refusing to bow down?”

“You’ll live long enough, even without my wishes.” You scoffed. Yoongi chuckled and sat down in his spot. He waved at everyone to exit the room, leaving the two of you alone.

“How was gardening?” Yoongi asked as you poured alcohol into his cup.

“It was so fun! I learnt a lot from the gardener! We planted some seeds and some plants that were already in pots.” You rambled.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” Yoongi reached out to pat your head. The simple gesture was something he did so often now that it didn’t even seem weird to the both of you anymore.

“And I didn’t know advisor Namjoon is also an avid gardener. Apparently, he waters the garden plants every day and he even has this huge plum tree!” You continued, even using your arms to try and show how big the tree was. But of course, it was an underestimation. Yoongi watched you with amusement, taking a sip of alcohol.

“Is he now?” Yoongi asked. Of course, he knew that Namjoon liked plants and did all that but he thought he would entertain you a little.

“Yeah. Jimin says the plums are sweet when harvested and the plum wine that is made from them is really good. I hope to try it sometime.” You nodded with a hopeful smile.

“I can get it for you now.”

“There’s no need-”

“Namjoon!” Yoongi shouted. As if they were listening in on the conversation, Namjoon immediately opened the door with a bow.

“(y/n) here heard about the plum wine we make from the harvest of plums from your tree. She would like to try some. Fill a bottle for her to have now.” Yoongi said. Namjoon nodded and promptly exited the room.

“I didn’t mean I needed to try it now, Yoongi. Geez.” You scoffed. Yoongi ignored your comment and continued eating. Namjoon returned with a small ceramic decanter. He bowed and knelt by the side of the table to fill the small cups with the plum wine.

“Have some.” You said to Namjoon. Namjoon turned to Yoongi, who nodded his head in approval.

“Thank you.” Namjoon bowed his head as you took the decanter to pour some into a new cup for him. The 3 of you clinked cups before taking a drink. It was sweet and fruity.

“It’s so good!” You complimented. Namjoon couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m happy you like it.” He laughed. When he was done, he bowed his head and exited the room.

“What about you? Did you have a good... meeting?” You asked Yoongi slowly. Yoongi raised an eyebrow at you trying to start small talk with him but he shrugged, being vague with his answer.

“Whether it was good or bad, I hope you feel happy or relieved that it’s at least over.” You smiled. Yoongi stopped and stared at you.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just thinking about something else.” He shook his head and continued eating. You blinked but shrugged and ate as well. Yoongi picked out the bigger pieces of boneless braised meat and placed it onto your plate, surprising you. You looked at the piece of meat as if it was a foreign substance and looked up at him.

“You seem to always struggle to remove the bones. And you give the boneless meat to the other me. I’ll do the same for you.” He excused. You couldn’t help but laugh as Yoongi acknowledged the ‘other him’.

“So you acknowledge that there’s another you somewhere out there?”

“I never said I didn’t. You just don’t tell me much about him, how different or similar he is from me.” He said.

“What do you want to know?” You asked. Obviously, both Yoongis were rather different but as you got to know the Yoongi in front of you, you do seem to find similarities every now and then.

“What can you tell me about him?”

“Hmm... I mean, you look exactly the same, you already know that. You’re both deathly pale and bear resemblance to cats. You both love tangerines and you’re both night people instead of day people. Not that big a fan of sweets...” You listed out.

“I fail to see how I look like a cat.” Yoongi blinked. It took a long while for your Yoongi to come to terms with the whole ‘lil meow meow’ thing too.

“Trust me. It’s there. Oh and you both squint like this when you’re focusing on something.” You giggled, mimicking him.

“You’re finding too much amusement in this.”

“I don’t think I know you well enough to tell the differences. But my Yoongi... When you first meet him, he just seems cold, guarded and introverted. Yes, he is introverted. But he’s not cold at all.” You said, swallowing your food.

“He’s guarded because he had been wounded before by the rest of the world. And even when we got together, I realised that he just isn’t one to really show his feelings, or at least verbally. He shows his love and care through his actions. That’s what I liked about him. He was very comfortable to be around and he made me lower my guard too.” You smiled.

“He sounds like a perfect human.”

“He’s not, he’s far from it. I am the same. We’ve both come to realise it. Sure, we’ve had our fights and arguments but at the end of the day, we work it out. It takes two hands to clap, right?” You looked up at Yoongi.

“You miss him.” Yoongi stated.

“Of course. Even before we were together, he was my safety blanket for years.” You said sadly, looking at your food.

“When I’m sad, he makes me laugh or he cries with me. He worries for me, even when he should be worrying about himself.” Tears blurred your vision. Suddenly, you felt someone pull your head to a chest.

Yoongi didn’t know what to say. Just like your Yoongi, he wasn’t good with words, he only knew how to show he cared with his actions.

“Sorry, I digressed.” You said.

“It’s okay.” Yoongi whispered, stroking the back of your head. He used the end of his sleeve to wipe your tears. Sitting back down, the two of you continued talking as you finished the food. You wanted to ask about Mirae but you knew it was a sensitive topic for Yoongi so you didn’t bring it up.

“Later, can we walk in the garden?” You asked.

“That excited about the garden?” Yoongi teased. You flushed, clearing your throat sheepishly.

“Of course, we can. I can’t wait to see your hard work.” Yoongi finished. That made you feel even more embarrassed. It was like a child pestering her parent to see her artwork.

“I heard the garden was your mother’s?” You gulped. Yoongi seemed to falter for a few seconds before straightening up.

“It’s not hers but she did enjoy maintaining it. She worked very closely with the royal gardener to constantly upgrade it to be better. Kind of like what you did today.” Yoongi explained. You nodded your head slowly.

“Keeping it alive and maintained now is the best I can do for her, even after her death. She would not be pleased with me letting all her hard work go to waste. I’m not really good with plants but I’m glad Namjoon and the gardener take care of it. And now you help maintain it too. My mother would have greatly appreciated that.” Yoongi said.

“She sounds like an amazing woman.”

“Hmm.” Yoongi hummed. You mentally scolded yourself, of all topics, why did you have to mention Yoongi’s mother?

“I felt like I lost the opportunity to get to know her better. My father never let her care for me as a normal mother should. He wanted her to care for him only and that was her flaw, constantly kowtowing to him.” Yoongi continued.

“I don’t think it’s a flaw.” You said.

“It’s not a flaw to give up all free will and follow a man, who’s not even loyal to you, like a dog? That you neglect your kid?” Yoongi raised an eyebrow.

“That’s what you saw, Yoongi. I’m not saying you’re wrong, you could be right but was that how she really felt? Did you ever know her true intentions behind her actions? Maybe she never meant for you to feel neglected. I’m sure you had moments with her where she showered you with love.” You said.

“Yes, I had my moments with her. But they were always short lived because my father ruined it. Every time I tried to tell myself she actually loves me, she proves me wrong.” Yoongi’s fists shook.

“What if she was protecting you?” You asked.

CLANG!

Yoongi stood up with such force that the low table of bowls and cutlery flipped over, spilling food remnants all over the floor. You stared at the mess in shock, looking up at Yoongi. He breathed heavily, standing over you.

“Leave.” He warned.

“I’m sorry, Yoongi. I shouldn’t have-”

“I don’t want your apologies. I said leave.” His eyes flashed anger as he shook. You immediately scrambled to your feet and pulled the door open.

“(y/n) nim!” Jimin rushed to you. They had all heard the loud clash but were too afraid of entering the room. You stared at Jimin, lips pressed into a firm line. Turning away from him, you ran to your room.

“(y/n) nim!” Jimin ran after you, leaving Hoseok, Seokjin, Jungkook and Namjoon. Usually, you would have fought back or argued with him but seeing the resentment and anger in Yoongi’s eyes, you knew he was warning you to leave before his temper took over so you decided to make a break for it. You were actually afraid he would hurt you.

“J-Jeonha-” The 4 that remained bowed but all they felt was the silk of their king’s robes brushing against them as he exited the dining room.

“(y/n) nim.” Jimin stood outside your door, knocking softly. He could hear the soft echoes of your sobs. It was like everything was back to the way it was on day 1 when you arrived.

“I-I just n-need to catch m-my b-breath.” You tried to sound okay to Jimin, who didn’t believe you one bit.

“Can I come in?” He asked softly.

“I’d r-rather you n-not.” You croaked from your dark corner in the room. Jimin sighed. He didn’t want to leave your side, he wanted to make sure that you weren’t hurt, he wanted to comfort you and stop your cries. However, he knew that he shouldn’t force you too.

“Please.” He tried for the last time.

“Come.” Your voice was soft but he heard it. Slowly the door creaked open and Jimin came in to see your huddled figure. Immediately, he went to help you up and led you to the bed to lie down.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.” Jimin whispered. You shook your head, you didn’t want him to feel guilty.

“It’s not your fault. It’s all mine. I shouldn’t have pushed him.” You said.

“What happened?”

“I brought up his mother. And it just escalated too fast.” You explained, regret written all over your face. Jimin softened as your eyes casted down with guilt. He took a clean handkerchief from the cupboard and gently wipe your face of its tears. He didn’t interrupt you and instead continued to listen as you explained what happened in the room.

“Jeonha’s relationship with his mother was always a touchy subject for him. But you didn’t know that.” Jimin spoke.

“But I knew he was getting angry and uncomfortable. And yet, I continued to question him and doubt his feelings, the feelings he had been bottling up since he was a child.” You said.

“That’s one of the reasons he resents Taehyung gun.” Jimin explained.

“What do you mean?”

“You know how Taehyung gun’s mother is. She was bubbly, kind and loving to Taehyung. She didn’t care that he wasn’t crown prince, he was just her son to her. Jeonha hated seeing them together.” Jimin started.

“Jeonha wasn’t wrong in a sense... They did share their moments, like I said, they would be in the garden together. But all it took was for the king to call her and she would just leave jeonha there to stay with him. To jeonha, who was just a child, that was betrayal. Countless times.” Jimin explained.

“And all I did was doubt him.”

“Not true. You were right too. Jeonha didn’t see the fear in his mother’s eyes. She did try to speak up but what good comes out of defying the king. The king who can hurt your child, the crown prince.” Jimin smiled sadly.

“How do you know all this Jimin? Aren’t you about the same age as Yoongi?” You tilted your head.

“My mother worked as one of the queen consort’s servants before me. She saw everything and comforted the queen consort when she was upset.”

“So Yoongi’s mother was trying to protect Yoongi...”

“Yes. The king was very obsessed with the queen consort. He didn’t want to let anyone else her, even his own child. Yes, he had a harem of concubines but he always kept her by his side and never wanted her away for too long. She was someone special to him and he wanted her to only look at him. He was willing to hurt anyone who took her away, jeonha included.” Jimin said.

“Jeonha grew up hating his mother. But a part of him still held to the few memories he had of her. The garden, for example. His mother is also the reason jeonha doesn’t believe in love.” He continued.

“That’s horrible. He must have felt so much hurt and felt all alone.” You hung your head down.

“But I think you staying by his side has changed him.” Jimin lifted your head up with his finger. You stared at him in confusion. He giggled and just wiped your remaining tears.

“Let’s get you washed up.” He helped you stand up and led you to the bathroom. You brushed your teeth and he combed your hair, helping you change out of your hanbok and into sleepwear.

“Wait, Jimin. What did you mean by-”

“Get some rest, (y/n) nim. I’ll see you when the sun rises.” He smiled softly after tucking you into bed.

“Goodnight, Jimin.” You yawned. Jimin exited your room. He stared at your door for a few seconds before he finally was able to turn and walk away.

Yoongi stood in his garden, his anger was slowly starting to dissipate. He scoffed, this dinner was supposed to be relaxing and a chance for him to get to know more about where you come from, ending with the both of you taking a walk in the garden with you showing him your new plants and flowers proudly.

But you just had to bring his mother up.

“You always ruin everything.” He said to no one in particular. Well, he was referencing his mother, who wasn’t even alive anymore.

“Why does it always have to end up this way?” Yoongi was now asking himself. He clenched his fists as the resentment for his mother bubbled within him.

However, what caused his anger to fade was that he couldn’t ignore the memory of your eyes and how much fear was in them. As if you were actually afraid that he was going to hurt you.

“I’m sorry, Yoongi. I shouldn’t have-”

You actually apologised to him. He had expected you to argue back or stand against him but all you did was back away with fear and leave as you are told. What was happening to him? There was a dull ache in his chest that was never there before. When you spoke of your Yoongi, why did a new determination to prove that he was the better Yoongi appear?

Yoongi sighed for the nth time. He lifted his head and stared at your window, which was now closed. Were you asleep? Or were you crying?

“I swear.” Yoongi cursed himself. He subconsciously started walking and now found himself standing before your door. Gently, he knocked but there was no reply. He quietly opened the door to see you asleep.

“Yoongi...” You called in your sleep.

“I’m here.” Yoongi whispered. He honestly didn’t know if you were calling him or the other Yoongi but he was going to assume it was him you were calling out to in your sleep.

“Just let me...” He didn’t know what came over him but soon, Yoongi was in your bed, holding you close to him.

“What?” Your eyes shot open in shock, ready to kick the intruder in your bed. But looking down, you saw the locks of blonde. His face pressed into your abdomen as he held you tightly. You felt his tears wetting your night robe and the skin beneath.

“She told me she loved me. But she never came back.”

“I’m sorry, Yoongi.” You said softly, running your fingers through his locks. Even though Yoongi was slowly letting his guard down around you, this was the first time he let all his walls down.

“I’ll never hurt you.” Yoongi looked up at you, moving up so your eyes met at the same level.

“I’ll never hurt you. I promise.” He repeated, cupping your cheek.

“Please don’t be afraid of me. Please.” He cried. You still didn’t respond but you did wipe his tears, drawing his head to your chest as you comforted him. Now you really saw it. You saw Yoongi as a child that was hurt by the world and just wanted someone to be there for him and tell him that he is loved.

Series Masterlist

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sugaxjpg · 4 years

Text

ghosts just wanna have fun; m

⤷ When Jungkook discovered that he could communicate with dead people, the last thing he expected was that they would be there to give him romantic advice.

✓ Couple: Jungkook x Reader | Psychic!AU & MedSchool!AU

✓ Filed under: fluff, crack (so many ghost puns), light smut (and jungkook being a nervous virgin)

✓ Words: 20,062

Author’s Note: In which Jungkook is able to see spirits, but it’s just Taehyung and Yoongi giving him dating tips because he sucks at talking to girls. Hope you guys like it, because it has been on my WIPS for over a year and a half and I can’t believe it’s finally out there... emotional, really.

Also, huge thanks to @storytaeme, who proof-read this mess like a champ.

There aren’t many embarrassing situations that can overcome the fact that Jeon Jungkook found out about his psychic abilities as he was about to lose his virginity.

To say the least, that hadn’t been the most pleasant of scenarios to open the pathway to the afterlife. Really, there was no casual way that he could justify the scream that broke from his lips, or the dramatic spin he took as he turned around on the bed — which, ultimately, had him falling into the small space between the nightstand and the wall, with his legs up in the air, and his butthole fully exposed for both planes of existence to see.

Still, that hadn’t been the worst part. If those two pallid silhouettes had merely disappeared once he had seen them, it wouldn’t have been as traumatic — perhaps Jungkook could have found a semi-believable excuse about what he had witnessed — but no. Not only did the ghosts remain there, with their arms crossed before their achromatic clothes and eyebrows slightly raised in expectation, they continued their conversation as if nothing had happened.

“Oh, he was definitely going to put it in the wrong hole,” the shorter of the two murmured, clearly entertained at the idea.

The other scoffed. “What if he did?” he threw back. “Maybe he likes that, we can’t judge.”

Truth was that, one way or another, Jungkook couldn’t even figure out what he liked — he didn’t even get the chance. He was gone from his (ex) girlfriend’s place before his brain could even attempt to construct a plausible explanation, even less to digest what had preceded that unfortunate revelation. Now, the wrong hole would forever be a source of trauma for him.

And the problems didn’t exactly stop there. Ever since his cherry-popping session was interrupted, Jungkook hadn’t been able to move further than the first base, thinking that he would embarrass himself all over again or, worse, be frightened by a random demon passing by. Also, the constant mockery of his ghostly counterparts certainly didn’t help his concentration.

The worst part? Helping Jungkook was kind of their whole point. And they couldn’t even do that right.

Taehyung and Yoongi were their names — they told him right after the first night he saw them. Jungkook didn’t know what had happened in the afterlife that they had been punished with such a horrendous mission and, frankly, at that point, he was too afraid to ask.

“But I don’t need your help,” Jungkook had said after one particularly bad date, dramatically throwing himself onto his bed. The furniture creaked under his weight and he wondered if it would snap before his mind did. “I just want you to leave me alone or, I don’t know, help me with something else — something useful.”

The two ghosts were by his desk, looking at his class notes and, at that comment, Yoongi raised his eyebrows. “Useful? Like what?” He asked.

“I don’t know, solving crimes or something,” Jungkook mumbled, turning around so he would face the wall. God, he just needed two seconds alone.

Behind him, Taehyung laughed. “You don’t even know how to open a bra, and you're out there thinking of reopening cold cases? Give me a break.”

“Ouch,” Jungkook whispered. Maybe another time, it would’ve hurt his pride a bit more. That night, however, he was too tired to care. “For your information, I do know how to open a bra. You two just started whispering and it distracted me.”

“We were whispering to you the instructions on how to open a bra,” Yoongi responded. “Would you need those if you knew what you were doing? No.”

Jungkook sighed. “I just—”

“This conversation is done, we went over this already.” Yoongi interrupted. “You need us, whether you want it or not. You’re painfully bad at romance, Jungkook, even worse at initiating sex. I’ve never seen something like that before.”

At that, Jungkook rolled on the bed and faced them. There was only one light in his bedroom that was on — the table lamp — and its clear orange shade passed through them both in an odd mixture of contours and lines. “Maybe if I could do it myself, without you two buzzing around the place, it wouldn’t be so bad,” he responded, aggressive.

“Calm down. You were already bad enough when we arrived,” Taehyung told him, leaning over to see all the scattered pages on his desk. He frowned once he saw something he couldn’t quite understand, and quickly turned away from it. “Nothing changed much.”

“Right!” Jungkook sat up on the bed. “Isn’t that enough of a sign for you two to stop trying to help me, then?”

“No,” Yoongi said calmly. “That’s a sign that we have to try harder. And so do you.”

He sneered. “I absolutely don’t.”

“Yes, you absolutely do,” he said. “You know what? Grab your phone and get yourself a date with that girl you like from physiology class. Two weeks from now.”

There was a second of silence as Jungkook’s mind struggled to piece the idea together. He wasn’t even sure about who Yoongi was referring to, there were a lot of girls in his class. “What? Why?”

“Just trust us. She’s into you,” Yoongi spoke.

Taehyung nodded in agreement. “It’ll work out.”

Jungkook scoffed. “When does it, really?”

“This time, it will,” Taehyung said. “Really. Do it.”

“Fine.” He breathed out, reaching for his phone. “What girl?”

Yoongi looked him up and down. “You know what girl.”

With a deep breath, Jungkook scrolled over his contact list, struggling to find someone that he would have even the slightest chance with. Truth was, he has no fucking clue of which one of the hundred and fifty people in his class would even look in his direction, much less go on a date with him.

“You do know… right?” Taehyung asked, clearly worried. “We can’t really give you names, but you… know, right?”

“What? Oh, yeah, yeah! Sure I do!” Jungkook laughed nervously, clicking on a random name and opening a chat. “Here, I’m sending her a text right now. No reason to worry… no reason at all.”

“Good,” Yoongi said, distracted. “Now, if you need us, we’ll be watching Gone Girl with your neighbors. We already missed the start of the movie, and I’m pissed off as it is.”

Taehyung nodded. “Amazing movie,” he said. Jungkook pressed send and prayed for the best. “We should have more movie nights over here.”

Yoongi said something in agreement and, in a second, they were already gone. Jungkook was left alone in his bedroom, with the light of his lamp casting over his features the desperation that he was feeling inside.

“This better work,” he mumbled to himself. “You two better not be trying to embarass me.”

_____________

And then, two weeks later, Yoongi and Taehyung were laughing at him as his last failed attempt at romance got up from her chair and basically ran away from him.

Yoongi leaned back against the chair, his ankles crossed over the large table. If someone else could see him then, he surely would have received a few complaints about keeping the mall under semi-sanitary conditions. “Jungkook, I’ll tell you something,” he started, clearly amused. “You’re so bad at romance that I wish I was alive just so I could punch some reason into you.”

Taehyung, who had stayed mostly quiet during the painfully awkward interaction, walked beside Jungkook and chuckled at his distress. Still, he was focused on the other ghost, and the implication of his speech. “That amount of violence is the exact reason why you’re no longer alive, Yoongi,” he pointed out, then turned to Jungkook before he could smirk at the reprehension. “But really, that was awful. If I weren’t spiritually tied to you, I would’ve given up by now. You’re hopeless.”

“Completely out of it,” Yoongi added. “Do you even know how women work?”

Jungkook rolled his eyes, and reached for his phone: there was no way he would enter a discussion with those invisible pricks in a public situation without something to mask it. Not that it would have been the first time.

Yoongi materialized on the seat next to Jungkook, his head leaning against his hand. The boy was already used to those sudden changes of position, but that didn’t mean that he liked it. In fact, after Taehyung had appeared next to him during a particularly bad time — in which the incognito tab had already been opened, and a bottle of lotion already waited for him — he could never erase the intense panic of such experiences.

But of course, Yoongi knew that, and he used his discomfort for his own entertainment. “You can’t ignore us, kiddo,” he said slowly, clearly amused. “And you can’t ignore the fact that you’ll die alone, surrounded by cats, if you don’t start listening to what we have to say. We have been tied to you for a reason.”

“And the reason,” Taehyung added, “is to make you stop cockblocking yourself.”

With a subdued groan, Jungkook pressed his phone against his ear — an old trick that allowed for him to have a conversation without being seen as clinically insane by passersby. “You two are the reason why this date went downhill,” he told them. “You told me to say all the wrong things. You two set this up knowing I’d fail.”

“Oh, no.” Taehyung shook his head in disagreement. “The words were right. Your delivery was awful.”

“Western-movie-awful,” Yoongi added. “And if you want to change that, you have to trust us.”

“Trust you? Where has that taken me?” Jungkook questioned, irritated. “You’re the reason why I lost my first girlfriend and haven’t had another one ever since.”

Yoongi chuckled. “The girl from the first night? She never talked to you again after that, did she?” He asked, but, of course, he already knew the answer. “Damn, that was cringe-worthy. Butt in the air and everything.”

“No need to remind me, I was there.” Jungkook clenched his jaw, trying to control his demeanor. It wasn’t fair that there was not much that he could do to make the two men shut up — since they were, quite literally, already dead, he didn’t have many threats to utter. “And whose fault was that?”

“Technically, yours.” Taehyung shrugged. “We didn’t present ourselves to you, you just saw us all of a sudden. We were just as surprised.”

“Besides, you were the one that had the B.F.,” Yoongi added.

Jungkook raised one eyebrow. “B.F.?”

“Bitch fit,” Taehyung elucidated. “He watched White Chicks with your neighbors last night, don’t worry about it.”

Jungkook groaned, pressing his hand against his face. Of course — the cherry on top would be outdated pop references, as expected. Yoongi had always been quite fond of the classic ‘with great power comes great responsibility’, and Jungkook thought that the overuse of that quote would be the ultmost reason for his insanity. Nevertheless, he came to understand that it was nothing compared to movies like White Chicks or even Legally Blonde. He would rather hear Uncle Ben’s famous line a billion times over before Yoongi accused him of having a B.F. once more.

He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the environment around him. The murmurs and disembodied conversations around the mall had morphed into the sound of irritating insects, and he felt as if the earth could just open up and eat him alive. He probably committed a terrible crime in a past life to be stuck with Tweedledee and Tweedledum like that.

“Anyways,” Jungkook stressed, “it didn’t seem like the two of you were surprised that I could see you. You just kept… talking about me. And my ass.”

Taehyung chuckled. “You were the one with the ass up in the air.” He vanished, then materialized in the seat in front of Jungkook. “What were we supposed to do? Ignore it?”

“It was an easy target,” Yoongi spoke, then seemed to realize the words that had left his mouth. “Wait, I didn’t mean the double interpretation.”

“Why can’t the two of you just fucking help me for once?” Jungkook asked aggressively. In a nearby table, one old man raised his eyes from his vegan burger and stared the boy up and down in disapproval. Jungkook lowered his voice and switched his phone to the other ear. “This is unbearable. You two are only making it worse.”

With a gesture that Jungkook knew all too well, Taehyung used his thumb to point over his shoulder, towards the path that his failed date had followed. “That one wasn’t good enough for you,” he said nonchalantly. “We can tell. We know stuff.”

“Then why did you set this up in the first place?” He asked, exasperated.

“As DJ Khaled says, you played yourself,” Yoongi cited. One more reference and Jungkook would be the one joining the world of the dead. “It’s not our fault that you get nervous and can’t deliver the lines right. When have the two of us ever failed?”

“When you died,” he spoke back. “Or did you forget the stupid mistake you made?”

Yoongi hesitated. As much as he tried to play it cool, he wasn’t the smartest one around. In fact, his tragically premature death was all the evidence Jungkook needed to make his point clear.

During his living days, Yoongi was pretty invested in rock climbing. On a beautiful summer afternoon, just as the sun was setting over the green-bathed hills, one of his friends dared him to bungee jump from the same cliff they had just climbed, and were standing on. Of course, the man agreed promptly, saying that he wouldn’t back out from such a mundane task; stating repeatedly that the fall wouldn’t be so high up anyway. But that wasn’t the turning point: Min Yoongi, in all his adventurousness, quickly decided that his local shop was too expensive and that he would create his own bungee jump cord instead.

According to him, making the cord proved itself to be quite an easy task. He had gotten some help from his local adrenaline addicts and the final product was a very good copy of the factory-made ones. He measured the cliff twice just to be certain, compared it to the rope, and made sure to test the sustentation and elasticity as many times as he could.

Still, Yoongi had overlooked an imperative detail: he shouldn’t use a cord that was the same height as the cliff he was jumping from.

Needless to say, he only realized his mistake once he was already dead.

Yoongi scoffed at the memory, ignoring his hurt pride. He swore he could still feel his back hurting when he thought about that. “That isn’t the point,” he said. He often did that: changed the subject once he realized he couldn’t leave with the upper hand. “The point is that you keep delivering lines like you’re a bad boy in a South American novela, then expect us to perform a miracle on you.”

Jungkook frowned, lowering his head. “That’s actually so wrong.”

But the problem was: Yoongi was right, and Jungkook knew it. In fact, that had been the exact reason why his date had left him that night — the boy had misunderstood Taehyung’s advice to play off as a mysterious man, and instead projected his image somewhere between a psychopath and a person that had only K-dramas as a basis of how human interactions were supposed to work. Jungkook missed his attempts at romance the entire time, but the breaking point was when Yoongi told him to act as a bad influence because, according to him, girls dig a good bad boy.

Once again, Yoongi wasn’t the brightest mind when it came to risk-taking. That was why he was more dead than Jungkook’s bedroom.

Jungkook, however, did not realize his own errors until it was too late. He had chuckled at his date’s embarrassment, using his opening to delicately place her hair behind her ear. “I’m going to tell you something,” he started, voice swift and placid as a river. With his eyebrows raised and his lips vaguely forming a pout, he looked like an off-brand version of Handsome Squidward. “I’m not really a good influence, and surely not the kind of guy you’d like to get with. So why don’t you do me a favor and follow the simple orders I give you, uh?”

Her eyes had widened in a mixture of second-hand embarrassment and fear. From the corner of his eyes, Jungkook saw her reaching for her purse over the table. “No, thank you,” she was quick to say. “I don’t think this will work, sorry. I’ll see you around college.”

And that’s how they ended at that point. The point they always seemed to end up in.

“I think I need a break from all of this,” Jungkook said, closing his eyes for a moment of peace. “I have a huge test next week and I couldn’t even study for it because of all the preparation for this stupid date. Can you two just take a step back? Just for a little while. Romance can’t be all that I think about.”

As he opened his eyes, he saw Taehyung staring at him. He couldn’t really read his expression.

And, without an answer, the two of them vanished.

_________________

If someone asked Jungkook why the hell he thought going to medical school was a good idea, he’d simply say that, at the time, it made sense. After all, he had thought, he’d be some sort of super-doctor, since he had an exclusive VIP pass to the afterlife — just imagine how many people he would be able to help just by asking a friendly ghost what was wrong with a patient. It would be a game-changer. He could even find the cure of cancer if he tried hard enough.

But of course, he quickly realized that he should’ve thought further about his decision. Maybe being a detective would have made much more sense — it would have been a lot cheaper, that’s for sure, and he wouldn’t have to sit through almost twelve hours of classes every single day for a diploma that seemed to be too far away for him to care.

That particular class, however, wasn’t the worst one out there.

It was Tuesday, and Tuesday meant Pathology. Jungkook loved that class because the professor hated teaching it, so the students had to sit in silence for about three hours trying to read the textbook by themselves. The professor said he would be there to answer any questions, but he was mostly scrolling through his phone and interrupting students every time they tried to ask him something — “That’s in the textbook, just keep reading.”

Most of his classmates absolutely despised that subject, but Jungkook thought it was wonderful: he often learned better by himself anyways, and the lack of conversation during class brought him some sense of peace. Besides, Yoongi and Taehyung hated sitting in that quiet room for too long, so they mostly left after ten or twenty minutes of trying — and failing — to strike up a conversation with Jungkook. It was the perfect day.

Well, most days it was.

Just as he was about to move forward to the next topic — Adrenal Insufficiency and Addison’s Disease — , the boy felt something poking his bicep and he was quick to turn to his side. Instantly, he recognized your expectant gaze and something fluttered inside his stomach.

“Hey, Jungkook,” you whispered, leaning over your desk, “is tomorrow afternoon still up? I really need help in cardiac physiology. I kind of suck.”

He hummed in agreement, fighting against the nervousness that crept up on him. Jungkook’s palms started to sweat just by looking at you, he really was one step away from reverting back to his pre-teen days. “For sure. I’ll be at yours at five,” he managed to get out.

“Thank you so much,” you said, then moved back against your seat. “I owe you one.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled. If it had been anyone else, Jungkook would’ve had a stroke by then — after all, he wasn’t always invited to a girl’s place so easily. That’s someone that I have absolutely no chance with, he thought. So friendzoning himself made everything much easier. “Are you sure you don’t want to meet up at the library?”

“I can’t really concentrate there,” you answered. “But if you prefer, we could go.”

“No, no.” He shook his head. “Your place is fine.”

You smiled again, and Jungkook thought that maybe being shot wouldn’t hurt so much. “Thanks. See you at five.”

Jungkook nodded and turned around, facing his laptop. Just as he was about to restart typing his notes, he saw a known reflection at the corner of his computer. Oh, God, have mercy.

Yoongi’s reflection smirked from the back row. “Oh, man, she’s so into you.”

Jungkook shook his head in denial, eyes still glued to the PDF file in front of him. If anything, his classmates would have just guessed he was finding that subject more difficult than usual and, quite frankly, no one could judge him.

“No?” Yoongi raised one eyebrow, reappearing by his side with his hand supporting his cheek. Jungkook didn’t even need to look at him to know that he was just looooving the discomfort that grew inside his limbs. “I know those things, kiddo. It’s my job.”

From the front seat, Taehyung hummed in agreement. He had his arm placed over the chair, and seemed to find that entire situation a bit boring — maybe because he had seen it countless times before. “She definitely wants to get some of that,” he said. “We are proud of you, son.”

With a subdued sigh, Jungkook scribbled some aggressive words at the corner of his notebook, and showed it to the man by his side. “Look at this, Taehyung, he’s trying to convince us that they’re just friends,” Yoongi mocked, crossing his arms. “That’s cute. Just because you’re that oblivious, it doesn’t mean that we are.”

“Jungkook, we’ve been watching the two of you talk the entire semester,” Taehyung added. “Besides, Yoongi made me follow her around once. She’s definitely into you. In unholy ways.”

Yoongi nodded once again. “She wants to be your boo.”

“Was that a fucking ghost pun?” Taehyung’s nose cringed up in disgust, and Jungkook had to fight back the reflex of laughing at his reaction. “Awful.”

“At least I’m not the one who ghostwrote Jungkook’s ethics essay.” Yoongi threw back. “Yeah, and that was another pun. You’ve got no spirit.”

“You know what? Now I know why Jungkook can’t stand us anymore.” Taehyung smirked and, then and there, Jungkook knew exactly what was coming. “He can see right through us.”

The other ghost nodded. “Yeah, we’ve reached a dead end.”

Jungkook groaned in exasperation, hiding his face behind his hands. “This is torture.”

Next to him, you chuckled. “Come on, pathology isn’t even that bad. You’re good at this.”

“I know, I’m just tired.” He turned around to look at you, uttering the same excuse he had been using this entire semester. Not that it was an uncommon one, especially in the fifth circle of hell that was medical school. “I think I need to splash some cold water on my face. Wake myself up.”

You hesitated, staring at him as he stood up. Jungkook looked strangely pale, like he was about to throw up all over the classroom. “Is everything okay?”

Fantastic! My bachelor ghosts are just making me have a nervous breakdown.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” He said, almost stumbling over your chair. Some of your pens fell down, but Jungkook couldn’t even bring himself to get them. He’d probably just knock everything else over in the process, and he wasn’t even sure that he could stand back up after. “Shit— Sorry. I’ll be right back.”

Behind him, Yoongi chuckled. “Spook-tacular skills, as always.”

_____________

The sound of running water was all that entered Jungkook’s mind for a moment, his face feeling the coldness of the liquid as he splashed himself once, twice, trying to clear his thoughts. In the end, it was mostly in vain: his class was ruined, his notes were left unfinished, and he couldn’t get a second of tranquility anymore — not even in Pathology. If he weren’t canonized after his death, he would file a complaint for sure.

Abruptly, he closed off the faucet and the water stopped running. There was a heavenly instant of quietness, in which Jungkook followed the crystalline droplets falling from his hair to the sink, before Yoongi’s voice echoed behind him. “How you doin’, champ?”

Jungkook sighed and raised his head, looking at his ghost counterpart through the dirty mirror. “Is the bathroom empty?” he asked calmly.

“Hm? Yeah,” Yoongi said. “The ghost is clear.”

Just like that, his serenity was gone. “Yoongi, can you fucking stop? Your puns stopped being funny after the third attempt,” Jungkook asked, exasperated. He pulled some paper towels, and got even angrier at the way they fell apart in his hands. Good to know his college money was being used wisely. “Jesus. Where is Taehyung?”

“You know he hates toilet paper,” Yoongi told him. “Reminds him of his death.”

Jungkook considered the compelling idea of banging his head against the bathroom wall until he, himself, was part of the world of the dead. As he recalled very well, Taehyung had been a victim of Final-Destination-levels of misfortune: just because he had forgotten to take toilet paper to his camping trip, the boy had been forced to use nearby leaves. Those, as he would soon come to understand, caused an awful allergy on his lower lands, and the punctual bleeding was a sufficient opening for opportunistic diseases. The culprit? Some super strange bacteria that floated around the river. He was dead less than twenty hours after he came back home from septic shock.

Taehyung had endured, quite frankly, one shitty death. And, yes, Yoongi had made that joke a few too many times before.

“Doesn’t matter,” Jungkook realized. “What did I tell you two about chit-chatting with me in large public places? Especially my classes? I have to pay attention. And I have a test in two days, I need to be all here, and not thinking about other people.”

Yoongi giggled — almost childishly so — at the other’s anguished attitude. His teeth, a pallid shade of white, could barely be seen against the olive-green tiles that covered the bathroom walls. “You weren’t paying attention to the processes of intestinal inflammation, that’s for sure,” he teased, forcing himself to hold back his jokes a bit.

“I wasn’t even studying that chapter,” Jungkook mumbled.

Even Yoongi, who had a dense personality for such a diaphanous soul, could tell that the student was not in the mood for mockery. “Man, why are you so stuck-up? Taehyung and I are ghosts, but you’re the one with the dead sense of humor.”

Jungkook realized he needed a moment to think before he started yelling at nothing in a public bathroom. He really hoped the other stalls were empty, but he couldn’t be bothered to check.

“This isn’t about the puns. You two just don’t respect my privacy,” Jungkook said. This time, he was able to pull some good paper towels and proceeded to dry his face. “This has been going on for too long. Why don’t you two just vanish for some time?”

“Wish I could, kiddo, but I’ve got hours to clock,” Yoongi finally admitted. From the mirror, he could see the frown of confusion that was cast over Jungkook’s features. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m only following rules. Talk to the big guy upstairs if you want to complain.”

He threw the paper on the trash and shook his head in confusion. “I just don’t see the point of any of this.”

“You don’t have to.” Yoongi took a step closer. He often looked so unbothered — the two of them, actually — that Jungkook caught himself wondering which certainties they held, notions that would most likely be given after death. “Just do what we tell you to do.”

“That has only embarrassed me so far,” he said, turning around. “I don’t think I have it in me to trust in you two one more time. It has gotten me nowhere. Or, rather, nowhere good.”

Yoongi sighed. “Alright, let’s do it like this, then: You go and help Y/N with her cardio whatever stuff, and Taehyung and I just watch. We promise to shut up, unless you’re doing something seriously embarrassing. Other than that, absolute silence.”

Jungkook narrowed his eyes. “You promise you two won’t tell me what to say?”

“Promise.” Yoongi nodded. He looked very sincere. “We won’t talk to you.”

“I can live with that, yeah,” Jungkook agreed, leaning against the bathroom sink. “Sounds good.”

“Perfect.” He smiled. “Trust me, Jungkook. I only made one mistake in my life.”

Jungkook smirked. “And it killed you.”

“Not the point.” He raised one finger, clearly annoyed, then pointed it at Jungkook. “You’ll do great. It’s not like you’re gonna tell her about us or something.”

He laughed. “Yeah, that’d be awful.”

________________

But that was, ultimately, what he did.

To be fair, it was never Jungkook’s intention. He was completely sure that it would ruin not only his friendship with you, as it would also ruin his reputation, both as a student and as a future physician. Come on, how would he even explain that? How could he tell anyone that he not only saw two obnoxious ghosts, but that they were there to give him romantic (and sometimes sexual) advice? That’s insanity.

Spoiler: he didn’t explain it very well.

In the cosmic perspective, however, it was kind of Yoongi’s fault too. He had the problem of giving away too much sometimes, especially when he was alone and free from Taehyung’s scrutiny. And it was that extra bit of information that catalyzed the explosion that would become Jungkook’s confession.

For some reason or another, Taehyung hadn’t joined the two of them that day, as Jungkook crossed the campus towards your place. For the first time in a long time, their conversation — which was, again, masked by Jungkook pretending to be on the phone — was actually quite pleasant. Yoongi had told him a bit more about his life back in the day and explained that he was studying to become a lawyer when he died.

“I was thinking of dropping out anyways,” he said. “I just picked a random thing to study because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And, well, I kind of did drop off. Just not from the course.”

Jungkook could not help but laugh at the absurdness of it all. Sad coincidences aside, it was unusual for Yoongi to make jokes about his death. Taehyung was much more open about it, but Yoongi seemed to be very bitter because of the way and the time he passed. But of course, who was Jungkook to judge?

“You know,” Yoongi started after a moment of quietude. “Taehyung and I were pretty surprised that day at the mall.”

Jungkook frowned. “Hm? Why is that?”

The other man chuckled. “Honestly? Because you’re dumber than we thought.”

Seems like pleasant times didn’t last much between the two of them. “We’ve established that I can’t talk to girls, Yoongi, I know.” Jungkook really wanted to change the subject.

“No, not that,” he denied. “Let’s go back a little. Remember what we told you in your bedroom that night? To get the physiology girl.”

Jungkook nodded. “Yeah, what about it?”

Yoongi laughed, amazed that Jungkook still didn’t get it. “You called the wrong one, idiot,” he explained.

“What?” Jungkook paused in his tracks and, in a mindless reflex, forgot he was supposed to be talking on the phone, and looked directly at Yoongi, lowering the device away from his ear. “There is a right one?”

“Hey, pay attention to your surroundings.” Yoongi pointed at a couple that also stopped, confused at the man’s actions. Jungkook cleared his throat, trying to regain some composure after that minor instant of public humiliation, and placed the phone back against his ear. “Let’s keep walking.”

With his heart beating insanely fast against his chest, Jungkook did as he was told. His mind was flooded with fragmented thoughts, working around words that seemed so simple, yet held so much.

“Yes, there is a right one — and you’re going towards her right now.” Yoongi responded, placing his ghostly hands inside his ghostly pockets. Jungkook never noticed that he still used the clothes that he had on when he died, but Yoongi wouldn’t be the first one to mention. “So don’t make a fool out of yourself. Not this time.”

Jungkook swallowed dry, feeling as panic started to climb up his lower limbs, weighing down on his muscles. His throat was dry as a desert and forming sentences proved to be a far more difficult task than he had anticipated. The air around campus had suddenly become hot for an autumn day, unable to enter his lungs with ease. He really was two steps away from a full-blown anxiety attack.

Yoongi frowned. “You good?”

Jungkook licked his lips, only half aware of his actions. “Y-Yeah,” he struggled to get out. “Just kind of a bomb that you just dropped on me, that’s all.”

Yoongi nodded, uninterested. “Yeah. Get over it. It’s not a huge deal.”

Only, it was. For Jungkook, at least. What if you two were… you know? Meant to be? Like the soulmates kind of thing; star-crossed lovers. Like in the “we got married after two months of dating and we are still together after sixty years” kind of insane love? That was a lot to process, a lot to think about, especially when he was having like three different crises at once. It was a recipe for a disaster.

Jungkook really was dumb when it came to anything besides his textbooks, but not for jumping into those conclusions. Frankly, most people would’ve been a bit overwhelmed by that.

No, his problem would reside on his next thought: If you two were meant to be, you would understand if, for some reason, he had to tell you about his ghosts, right?

Right?

_______________

To be fair with Yoongi, he did keep his promise. The two didn’t interrupt your conversation once, even if sometimes the moment begged for it, and Jungkook was two words away from ruining everything. Strangely enough, things seemed to work themselves out — the horrible jokes that Jungkook uttered seemed to suit your sense of humor; the shy and nervous demeanor that plagued his dates slowly melted away. It was good — in fact, it was the best talk he’s had with someone in a long, long time.

The issue was that, as much as the two of them didn’t talk directly to Jungkook, they still talked.

“What was that thing that she said, you know, to her friends?” Yoongi mumbled, his words coming out as a vague connection of syllables being formed at the corner of his mouth. He had his arms crossed, and his legs pushed up on the couch. “You told me that.”

“Yeah,” Taehyung took a moment to think. He had one of his hands buried deep inside the pockets of his white pants, and the other on the back of the couch. The two of them watched the conversation that unfolded above your living room table, the two of you trying to make sense of a subject that seemed to change every five minutes. “It was like ‘homeboy can like, get it’... or something.”

Yoongi nodded, satisfied. “Nice.”

Jungkook cleared his throat, trying to ignore that comment. It wasn’t news that you were interested in him — that had been the only thing Yoongi and Taehyung had told him for the past few hours, but it was very, very awkward to know those specific details. He was sure he wouldn’t like you to know the private conversations that he had with his friends, even less about the things he thought about when he was alone. There was something extremely violating about that, but, no matter how hard he tried to convince them, the two ghosts didn’t seem to care enough to stop.

The giggle that came from across the table ruptured his thoughts. “Why are you blushing?” You asked.

“I’m… uh…” he struggled, suddenly feeling the heat that emanated from his cheeks. Wonderful. Even when he was just thinking about something, he still managed to make a fool of himself. “Just… thinking about some embarrassing things I did in third grade. The usual.”

“Yeah, I’ve been there.” You smiled, reaching for the textbook across the table, and flipping through the pages. “I ruined this entire science project once. It was something about the pollination of flowers, but I missed that class. Ended up coming back to a lot of roses around the classroom, and decided to take a few of them home to my mom.”

“Oh no.”

“Yep,” you nodded, looking back at him. Jungkook thought that he had lost himself in your eyes for a moment, a depth so engulfing that he couldn’t find the right words once he stared at it. He had never noticed how beautiful you were — or, rather, he had, but he had never stopped to think about it — and, now, it seemed as if that was the only thing that he could focus on. “Everyone in class was super pissed, the teacher even tried to suspend me.”

He shook his head, trying to imagine a mini-you justifying your flower thievery in front of the principal. “That’s insane, actually.”

“Kind of.” You shrugged, looking back at the book. You weren’t sure what you were searching for anymore, so you decided to close it. You two had been studying for almost four hours straight, you didn’t think that your brain could handle any more of that. “They didn’t really believe me when I told them it was a mistake. Guess no one even noticed my absence the day before, which is… somehow… even worse, now that I think about it.”

A giggle reverberated in your throat as you dove into those forgotten memories, and Jungkook followed you.

“Don’t laugh at child me, that’s so cruel.” You smiled.

“I’m not.” He shook his head. “I just thought you were cute. Still are, you never really stopped being cute, I mean. You’re actually really pretty now, like a woman—”

“I got it.” You placed your hands over his, and the shock of your skin against his seemed to spread throughout his entire body. He didn’t know if that was a soulmate thing of if he was just really horny. Probably a bit of both. “Don’t worry about it. You’re pretty cute too. Like a man.”

“Thanks.” Jungkook itched the back of his neck, trying to find the right words to build his sentence. Panic began bubbling at the bottom of his stomach, sinking its teeth into his flesh as his words left his throat. “Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

It was the right time now: the studying was over, the conversation was flowing, you had told him that you thought he was cute — like a man. Now, he just needed to ask you out. Just that. That’s it. Three words. He had practiced: Wanna go out? That’s it. So casual. So playboy-esque. He could do it. No pressure. If you were the one, he didn’t have much to get wrong.

But, oh my god, what if he got everything wrong? I mean, how many stories are out there of couples who were destined for each other, but something happened and it pulled them apart forever? The wrong time, the wrong place — the wrong words. Jungkook wasn’t psychologically prepared to ruin something so huge with a moment so small. He needed to calm down and focus. Just get the words out. Everything would sort itself out after that. He had faith.

“What is it?” You asked.

Jungkook cleared his throat, his eyes still glued to the touch of your hand against his. Outside, birds were chirping, unaware of the absolute shitstorm that was about to ensue. “So…” he started, “I was thinking that maybe I could— I mean, you — I mean we could...”

You tilted your head to the side, confused. “Sorry, what was that?”

He blinked once, twice, fighting against the wave of sheer terror that had taken over his brain, whitening out his thoughts. He had the sentence ready, but he had forgotten how to form it. “I’m just trying… I’m just trying here to just…” He swallowed dryly. “I was just wondering if you would like to… I mean, if it’s not a problem—”

From the other side of the room, Yoongi groaned. “Just do it! You’re making eternity so much longer.”

And that’s when it happened.

Jungkook turned around and yelled: “You told me you wouldn’t talk, you asshole!”

The entire room froze. A horrible moment of bewildered reticence followed as the realization crashed upon him like a gigantic wave. He couldn’t have just yelled at nothing in front of you, like an absolute madman, could he?

Your eyes widened and you pulled your hand away from his. The lack of warmth was like a dagger being thrown directly into his heart. “Excuse me?”

Yep. He totally did that.

“Not you!” He was quick to turn around — maybe a bit too quick, too intensely. Even with nervousness clouding his vision, Jungkook could still see the shadow of fear and confusion mingling amongst your features. He had ruined everything, and that was all that he could think about. “I’m just... personalizing my anxiety...”

“Are you... alright?” You spoke slowly, measuring his actions. Jungkook had changed from cute-nervous to absolutely-unhinged-nervous; eyes widened and jaw clenched; hands gripping the wooden chair like his life depended on it. Maybe that study session was a mistake. Maybe you should’ve just googled an online class, like your best friend told you to. “It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Taehyung chuckled. “That’s pretty funny.”

And, if the situation wasn’t already bad enough, Jungkook started to convince himself that perhaps it would be a good idea to come clean with you about his psychic abilities — maybe that was actually the only way that he could get out of that mess. If you were his soulmate, you’d understand. It’d all be okay. Yeah, maybe you’d be seriously creeped out for like the first twenty minutes, just like he had been, but eventually you’d understand what had happened. You two would laugh about it later, maybe when you were sixty, on your rocking chairs somewhere, staring lovingly at a cornfield.

Was he losing it? Probably. But he didn’t have the right amount of mental clarity to fully think about the consequences of his actions in that moment.

“I… did,” Jungkook spoke sluggishly, barely comprehending the trail of words that dripped from his tongue. His voice was much calmer, but he could still feel like his entire body was engulfed by flames. “I did... see a ghost. Two actually.”

You frowned. This afternoon couldn’t possibly get any worse. “What are you talking about?”

“Jungkook, don’t you dare,” Yoongi warned, but his voice seemed to come from miles away.

Slowly, as if he wasn’t really aware of his own body moving, Jungkook adjusted his position on the chair, looking down at the sea of handwritten notes in front of him. He wished that human interaction was as easy as the types of pulmonary volumes, or perhaps the changes of oxygen inside the hemoglobin. That he knew. That he could deal with.

“Ok so, have you ever watched The Emperor’s New Groove?”

You blinked twice, puzzled. “What?”

“The Disney movie,” he clarified, looking up at you.

You shook your head, measuring how long it would take for you to bolt out of the door and run away from your own apartment. Maybe you could get out and then call someone for help. You wished you had already taken Psychiatry. “I know what that is, Jungkook, but I just don’t understand where you’re getting at.”

“Maybe it’s in the TV series that came after the movie, I don’t know, but Kronk has these two little beings on his shoulders, a devil and an angel.” He cleared his throat, and looked back at the sheets of paper. It was so hard to stare at you now, when just seconds before, it had been so easy. “I kinda have the same thing, only, they’re dead people. You know, ghosts. And they’re not on my shoulders — that’d be pretty awful, actually.”

Taehyung mumbled from across the room, “I really don’t think this is a good idea, Jungkook.”

“You’re making no sense right now,” you said, worried about the effect that your words could have on him. “I think… I think it would be better if you left.”

“I can see dead people, okay?” Jungkook interrupted, exasperated. You had to understand. You were the right girl from physiology class, you had to understand.

“Okay, Sixth Sense.” You laughed nervously. Bad time for a joke, you thought, but the boy barely seemed to process it. “Listen, I can tell you’re not doing very well right now, so you should probably leave, maybe clear your head a bit. You already helped me a lot—”

“No, I don’t need that. My head is clear—”

“You know, there is a very good mental health clinic in campus, I’ve gone there already, and I think—”

“No! I don’t need mental health, it’s true!” Jungkook stood up, walking towards the couch, where the two dead men sat. There was an unspoken contest in the room to see who could be more flabbergasted at the boy’s actions, and you and Yoongi were in a close tie. “I can prove it.”

You almost choked on air. “You what?”

Jungkook pointed at nothing. “They’re here right now, I can prove it to you.”

Discombobulated, you shook your head one more time. Maybe if you did that enough, your chaotic thoughts would just fall out of your ears, and everything would be much clearer. Maybe that was a prank, maybe that was a full-blown psychotic breakdown. You just didn’t really know what to do from there. “Jungkook, I don’t think—”

“Come on, just show yourself to her!” He yelled into the air, more specifically at your white couch. You just wanted to study cardiology, how did it end up like this? “Give me a sign, I don’t know.”

Yoongi chuckled, completely amazed by the way Jungkook continuously broke the Dumb Records that he had previously set himself. No bonus in heaven would be worth dealing with Mr. Smooth Brain over there. He should’ve gone for the orphans instead. “I cannot believe you right now.” He stood up from the couch and sighed, utterly defeated. Maybe he could just get it over with, and then The Big Man Upstairs would show him a bit of mercy. “But I guess now there isn’t much to lose. I’m only doing this because at least it would make this situation a bit better.”

“How?” Taehyung asked.

“There’s a slight improvement between psychotic crisis and psychic abilities,” Yoongi responded. He walked towards the window, rolled his eyes at the pathetic presentation of supernatural phenomena, and pulled on the white curtains of your living room. “Here. Boo! Paranormal activity.”

“Did you see that?” Jungkook asked, excited.

However, instead of meeting a surprised gaze, he only saw panic and preoccupation swimming inside your eyes. “The curtain moving? Yeah. That was the wind, Jungkook.” You stood up from the chair, measuring your chances at escaping. He was getting more and more erratic, and you didn’t know where the situation could escalate to next. “You’re seriously freaking me out right now. You’re being really aggressive about this.”

“Yoongi, you’re worse than the spirits in Ghost Hunters,” Taehyung groaned, reappearing next to your living room table. “You have to be bold, that’s what I always say. Make a statement.”

Taehyung’s statement, of course, had been the biggest slap against a lamp that Jungkook had ever witnessed in his life. The ghosts had once told him that it took them a huge amount of concentrated energy to do something as little as move a napkin, so there was no way that Taehyung wouldn’t be exhausted after making that heavy piece of furniture fly against the wall, shattering into a million little pieces with a loud noise.

“What the fuck?” Jungkook asked. “That was so dangerous! She could’ve gotten hurt.”

He shrugged. “You asked.”

“What the fuck was that?” You yelled, taking your hands to your face. Was that shared hysteria? What did you just see? Maybe you were the one who needed fresh air and a shrink visit. “You’re pranking me, right? You have like a nylon string wrapped around your hands or something.”

Jungkook moved his head in denial, raising his hands up in a sigh of defeat. “I swear to God, it’s true.”

“I don’t… I don’t believe you,” you said, clearly terrified. Not at the idea of ghosts, Jungkook realized, but of him. That date surely couldn’t have gone any better.

Yoongi sighed and materialized behind Jungkook. Lost causes, Yoongi was surrounded by lost causes. “If you really want her to believe you, tell her we can say some stuff about her, but it’ll probably freak her out.”

“They are saying that they can convince you by saying some stuff about you.” Jungkook swallowed dry. Something inside him was screaming for him to just shut the fuck up and leave your building. If there was something he learned by being with the two undead pricks, is that they could always make a situation worse.

But desperate times require desperate measures.

You adjusted your posture. Trepidation was still very present in your face, but there was also a small spark of interest swimming somewhere inside your eyes. “I seriously doubt that.”

“I can show you,” he said. “Just… don’t freak out.”

“Fine.” You licked your lips in anticipation. “The name of my first pet.”

“Is this a password verification?” Yoongi groaned. He just wanted to watch Twitches later that day, but Jungkook just had to start a seance in someone else’s room. Again: the orphans would never. “Fine. It was Mr. Green, a tortoise she killed by leaving to dry in the asphalt.”

“It was a tortoise, Mr. Green. You left it on the asphalt and it died,” Jugkook repeated without hesitation.

You blinked twice, taking in the answer. “This is so fucking weird. How did you know that?”

“Yoongi told me.” Jungkook pointed over his shoulder, where Yoongi stared you down. Just by looking in that direction, you felt a shiver run down your spine. You were losing it. “He’s, you know, one of the ghosts.”

“I’ve never been so exhausted in my life.” You placed one hand against the chair, leaning against it. There was no use to keep that conversation going, and you both knew it — and yet, just like a politician lying, it just didn’t stop. “But you could’ve asked anyone that.”

It was Jungkook’s turn to become completely lost. “Why would I ask such a specific question? I don’t even know your friends.”

Behind him, he heard another loud groan. “I’m so done with this.” Yoongi placed his hand on his shoulder. “Let me talk, Jungkook.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” He asked.

Yoongi snorted. “We are all out of good ideas. But I think this is the best chance you’ve got.”

“Who are you talking to?” You almost yelled.

Jungkook looked back at you and, for some reason, the preoccupation in his eyes scared you even further. “Okay, this is going to be really weird, alright? But it’s not gonna be me talking.”

“What?”

“It’s like… a kind of possession,” he explained, gesticulating a bit more than socially acceptable. “It’s like… uh… One of them is going to use my mouth for a bit. Talk through me.”

You laughed, and there was a high-pitched sort of timbre to it. That might as well happen. “Sure, of course. What else? Exorcism live?” You asked.

“Just give me the permission,” Yoongi commanded.

Jungkook took in a deep breath, and clenched his hands into fists. He hated that part. “Fine,” he consented.

Gradually, the muscles around his mouth and throat grew numb, as if Jungkook had entered a dream, and his body was responding in autopilot. There was an awful pressure on his shoulders and a ringing in his ears as Yoongi accommodated himself around his body, reaching for control. That was the closest he would ever feel to being a ventriloquist’s puppet, and it was as bad as it could be.

Yoongi spoke through him with ease: “You told your friends last week that you didn’t care if Jungkook was a shy virgin who played minecraft because he was exactly your type. You also said that your average score in physiology is ninety-seven percent and you didn’t need any help. You just needed an excuse to stay with him. Happy?”

Jungkook inhaled sharply as the pressure on his body subsided, the numb sensation around his neck growing thinner by the second. “So violating,” he complained.

“How did you know that?” Your voice shook him back to reality. Both of you were reaching new levels of terror every minute. “Are you stalking me?”

That back and forth was starting to get exhausting. “That wasn’t me. That was Yoongi,” he tried once again. He was starting to think that the whole thing had been a bad idea.

“Well, fuck you, Yoongi,” you spat.

Yoongi scoffed. “Fuck you too, princess. Maybe you really don’t deserve this man.”

“I’m not saying that,” Jungkook whispered to him, then turned back to look at you. He wanted to hug you and magically erase your memories for that afternoon, but, in reality, he couldn’t even move his legs without feeling like he could fall face-down on the floor. He really, really, really hated possession. “I’m just… I’m sorry about that.”

“About what, Danny Phantom?” You asked, throwing your hands up in an exasperated gesture. And there it was: from panic to complete fury. That was all that you two needed at that moment. “About making me scared shitless, or about exposing me like this?”

He suspired. “Do you at least believe in me now?”

“Does it look like I believe in you, Jungkook?” You practically screamed. Truth was: neither of you knew that for sure. “I’m a woman of science, you can’t expect me to believe that—”

Taehyung groaned, walking closer to Jungkook. It must’ve been a world record how quickly everyone in that room got angry. “Let me talk,” he requested.

Jungkook sighed, defeated. How much worse could it possibly get? “Go ahead,” he said.

There it was again: the feeling of being under anesthesia, the weight of an entire other being pressed down against his shoulders. Good times. “Yesterday,” he started, “you masturbated to the thought of Jungkook, but you forgot to recharge your vibrator so you had to use your fingers and you complained the entire time. Explain that, science woman.”

Another deep gasp, and Jungkook was folding over, finding balance on his knees. He really felt like he couldn’t even think straight anymore, his mind covered by a thick fog.

You didn’t seem to be in a much different situation either. “I’m… gonna pass out.”

“That was so unnecessary, Taehyung,” Jungkook whispered. His mouth was terribly dry, and his hands were shaking. “You guys really don’t know your limits.”

“Taehyung? Who the fuck is that?” You screamed.

Taehyung crossed his arms. “Hey, at least she believes you now.”

“He’s the other ghost. The one with no sense of boundaries.” Jungkook stared at Taehyung, clearly pissed off. Maybe his voice would’ve come out a bit more forceful if he didn’t get thrown around by sadistic spirits. “I’m sorry about that.”

You shook your head, dumbfounded. “I need you to leave now. And take your ghosts with you.” You leaned over the table, and grabbed his notes, shoving them into a messy pile. Not that you were super worried about the integrity of the paper at a time like that. “This has really crossed like... every line.”

Jungkook licked his lips, trying to find the right words to say. Someway, he managed to get his legs firm enough so he could start walking in your direction. “Please, I didn’t mean to—”

You shoved the pile of notes into his backpack, and then the backpack into his hands. Before he could react, you grabbed him by the arm, guiding him towards the exit. “Thanks for helping me, Jungkook.” The door opened with a forceful pull, and you shoved him into the hall. “Never speak to me again. Bye.”

The bang of the door slamming shut was horribly loud, reverberating inside Jungkook’s chest for a moment longer. Now that the possession daze was starting to move away from his body, the boy could feel the traces of panic crawling inside him.

Jungkook dropped his backpack to the ground, and started knocking on your door. “Y/N, please!” He called. “I’m so sorry about everything. You have to believe me!”

Your yell came muffled from the other side of the door. “Go away!” you screamed. “Or I’m calling the cops!”

Defeated, he closed his eyes and placed his forehead against the wood. Now that the situation had already climaxed, the absurdity of it all was starting to become much more palpable.

How could Jungkook be so stupid? How could he think that you would act normally as you were exposed to the supernatural world? Especially in such distressing, violating ways. Even if you were his meant-to-be, his forever person, it would be ridiculous to believe that anyone would take all in that with ease. He really outdid himself that time.

“Let her be, you two can talk another time,” Yoongi spoke, leaning against the wall. It was possible to see all the places that the pain was starting to crack through his semi-translucent form. “Good attempt, though. I’d give you a star for trying.”

“This is not funny,” Jungkook mumbled, moving away from the door so you couldn’t hear him. The artificial lights above his head were sharp, buzzing mockingly. “You two keep saying that you’re here to help me, but you keep making stuff like this happen. If she really did like me, you just ruined everything.”

Yoongi raised one eyebrow. “Why do you care so much about that one?”

Jungkook glanced at him. “You told me she’s the one.”

He frowned, crossing his arms. “I told you she was the right girl from physiology class, not that you two were going to die holding hands or something,” Yoongi told him. “You filled the blanks yourself.”

“That’s why we don’t give away all those details,” Taehyung scolded Yoongi, looking at him up and down. Jungkook had never seen him so irritated before — at least not about serious things. “You know we could get in real big trouble if someone heard about that. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, it’s kind of the entire deal of heaven to know about stuff.”

“I know, I know,” Yoongi groaned, disregarding his preoccupations. Maybe Taehyung didn’t understand his galaxy-brain plan yet, but he was sure that the heavens would. Or at least he hoped so. “But I think there’s something else that we need to focus on. Jungkook wouldn’t care this much about the other girls he dated, even if it was meant to be.”

“Why are you two talking like I’m not here?” Jungkook asked, annoyed.

“Why are you talking to yourself like you’re not in a corridor of an apartment building?” Yoongi threw back. Without a second of hesitation, Jungkook picked up his backpack and turned on his heels, walking down the hall, completely done with them. “Hey, come back. Just tell me what’s the fuzz with this one.”

He didn’t look back. “Aren’t you two supposed to know? All-knowing and shit.”

“We want to hear it from you,” Yoongi pressed on.

Jungkook opened the heavy door to the stairwell, allowing for it to hit behind him. Taehyung and Yoongi passed right through it, of course, and kept following him as he quickly moved down the concrete steps. “Y/N is my friend.”

Yoongi hummed. “Go on.”

“Isn’t that enough for a justification? What else do you want from me?” He inquired, aggressive. The sound of his steps echoed like drums through the expansion of the staircase, and he hoped that no one else had been listening to his apparent monologue. “I don’t wanna ruin this friendship by talking about her masturbation techniques, I don’t know if that makes the situation super unique.”

Taehyung clicked his tongue. “You have other friends.”

“I care for her, alright?” Jungkook turned around abruptly, making the two ghosts stop in their tracks. Taehyung had almost lost his balance, but it wasn’t as if that could have any serious consequences for him.

Jungkook sighed, trying to control the anger that had built up so rapidly, and continued speaking. “I care for her more than other friends. Fuck, is that what you two wanted to hear? Besides, it’s not like I know anyone better than her. I didn’t even think I had a chance with someone like that until you told me. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s like… super hot when she’s mad—”

“Oh, would you look at that.” Yoongi grinned, satisfied. “Jungkook’s whipped.”

“What?” His eyes widened. “I’m not.”

“Why are you so red?” Taehyung asked.

Jungkook covered his face, feeling the heat of his checks emanating against his palms. “I’m not!”

“Okay, okay, calm down, tiger,” Yoongi raised his hands in a silent request for forgiveness. They were still a few steps above Jungkook, and the whole scene looked like something straight out of the Book of Revelation. “This is a good thing, we actually thought it would never happen. It’s not like you’ve been this introspective in what… five years? More even.”

He narrowed his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yoongi sighed, and looked at Taehyung for confirmation. The other ghost nodded in a silent agreement, and Yoongi started to speak. “Listen, we’re here to help you, but we didn’t say everything,” he admitted. “We couldn’t, really, otherwise it wouldn’t be so... organic.”

“What?”

“Jungkook, you were desperate to lose your virginity,” Yoongi explained. “You still are, in a way. And that’s not a good thing, because you’ll get the first thing that moves and you’ll try to stick your dick in it.”

Taehyung chuckled drily, looking at a fixed point. “Which is not a good idea, believe me,” he spoke in a mumble, and Jungkook could not help but think that his advice came from personal experience. That, of course, was a story for other, less sober times.

“Is that why the two of you always interrupt me?” He asked, a bit offended. “Because those girls weren’t right for me? Like this is a purity cult or something?”

“Eh.” Yoongi did a so-so gesture with his hand. “Kind of. Not really. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you actually feel something for this girl, something beyond the thoughts that come from your lower head.”

“And she feels something for you too, even after that trainwreck that we just witnessed in there,” Taehyung added patiently. “Which will help us a lot in the long run.”

“This doesn’t make any sense.” Jungkook crossed his arms, stubborn. He really could look and sound like a child throwing a tantrum when he wanted to. “I still don’t get it. It wasn’t your place to tell me who I could or couldn’t be with, it’s not as if you guys are—”

“Jungkook, that’s enough,” Taehyung interrupted him. “You don’t think it makes sense? Stop and think for once in your life.”

He narrowed his eyes. “What did you say?”

Taehyung glanced at him. “Listen, we just saved you from months of wrong dates and wrong nights. We pushed away people who didn’t really care about you, who just wanted you to use you, or who would end up cheating on you anyways. Not everyone gets this privilege,” he said, completely done with that victim mentality. “So, for once in your life, be grateful. Be grateful for the bad dates, the embarrassment, the times that it didn’t work out. And, look, we are sorry for the way they had to go down, it wasn’t as funny as it seemed from our perspective. But if you didn’t have those bad dates, you’d have very, very bad months following them. So you’re welcome.”

“And all those bad dates lead you to the right person,” Yoongi completed, watching as Jungkook’s expression withered into shame. He was staring to get it — they could almost see the hamster in his brain start running. “Now, listen, we don’t know if this is the for-life situation, that’s not the kind of information we have, alright? Do I look like a seraphin to you? No. But does it matter? No. Most relationships aren’t the for-life thing anyways, but they are here to teach you something. And if the afterlife thought that there was something good for you here, who are we to judge?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung agreed. “Now, can you please forget about all those past people and just focus on her? Maybe shut the fuck up while you do that? I get that you wanted to get your dick wet, but there’s a time and a place for that.”

The boy sighed, and leaned against the red handrails. It took Jungkook a few seconds to speak out. “I feel like I’ve just been lectured by my parents,” he admitted.

Taehyung relaxed his shoulders. “Good,” he said. “I’ve been meaning to slap some sense into you for months now, but I didn’t really have the permission.”

“Feel better?” Jungkook asked.

He nodded. “Much better.”

“I’m happy for you,” he said. Jungkook ran one hand through his dark hair, pushing back the strands that had fallen over his eyes. “And about Y/N… There’s no way she’ll ever talk to me after this mess. I ruined everything.”

Taehyung nodded. “You pretty much did, yeah.”

“You took the worst case scenario and managed to make it even more horrible,” Yoongi said. “It’s pretty impressive, actually.”

“Thanks, that’s great.” Jungkook chuckled, humorless. He could always count on them for emotional support. “But, I mean… What do I do now? I mean, is there anything that we could do to save this?”

“Worry not, my child,” Yoongi smirked, crossing his arms. “Taehyung and I are masters of seduction, and we’re here to help you. Just trust us.”

“And before you say something,” Taehyung interrupted, raising one finger. “You never had the right girl before, so we weren’t really trying. I think we can find some real solid ground here.”

Jungkook breathed out, and looked down at the grey stairs. Yeah, it’s not like he wasn’t at the bottom of the well already. “Fine. One last chance,” he agreed, looking back at the ghosts. “Just tell me what I have to do.”

______________

Much to Jungkook’s delight, he didn’t need to muster up the courage to talk to you, because you did that first.

For the first time in their lives (and deaths), Yoongi and Taehyung actually did something right. Jungkook didn’t really know the details of their plan, all that he knew was that they would find a way to “make you see what you were missing” so that you would “come crawling back to him”. Which didn’t sound threatening at all.

Countless possibilities crossed Jungkook’s head — horror movie hauntings, Taehyung invading your dreams with claws for fingers, Yoongi with a wet wig crawling out of your TV — but, in the end, no matter how much he insisted, the two of them just wouldn’t say a word. Apparently, there was a lot going on backstage that Jungkook had no idea about, so he should just “take it easy” and wait for the sequence of events to unravel. Amazing. Now he knew how the characters in Final Destination felt.

“Just be patient, young one,” Taehyung had told him, thrown over his couch like a Victorian monarch. “All you need to know is that she will be back. Everything else it’s just… details.”

And, two weeks after the dormitory incident, you did.

There was a muffled thud as you placed your large books over the wooden table, and sat down across from him. The silence of the library didn’t allow for Jungkook to foresee your arrival, and to meet your gaze so suddenly was enough for his face to burn up in shame, his heart drumming against his ribcage. His sympathetic system really needed to quit with that bullshit before he collapsed.

“Hey,” you mumbled, seeming just as uncomfortable as he was. “Can we talk? You know what about.”

The boy swallowed dry, and leaned a bit forward. “Y-Yeah, sure,” he whispered back. “I’m really sorry, Y/N, I don’t know why I thought—”

“For how long?” you sliced his sentence short, making his lips fall shut.

Jungkook raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What?”

You cleared your throat, and shuffled on your seat. As much as the library was practically empty, neither of you felt courageous enough to use your usual voice tone — especially when dealing with that subject. “How long have you been able to, you know, see them?”

Jungkook took a second to respond, licking his dry lips and looking at the line of bookshelves as if seeking for the right thing to say. He felt awkward enough just interacting with someone from the opposite sex, but talking about the ghosts he saw? Hell, that bordered on a panic attack. Especially after the circus show that was that past study session. “Almost two years now, I think,” he finally answered. “But they told me they’ve been around for a bit longer. I just couldn’t see it.”

You shook your head in concordance, even if the information was everything but easy to understand. “That’s crazy,” you spoke. “I don’t know how you deal with it.”

Jungkook let out a dry chuckle. “Not very well, as you can probably tell.”

“I don’t think I can judge you. I didn’t precisely react well either.” You swallowed dry, wide eyes flickering on the world behind Jungkook. “Are we alone now?”

As much as he already knew the answer, he looked around just to check. “Surprisingly, yeah,” Jungkook responded, slightly suspicious. Yoongi and Taehyung were always looking over his shoulder and throwing him into messy situations, he couldn’t tell why they weren’t there when, quite frankly, it was their perfect shot at humiliation. Maybe they really were doing their jobs for once. “I don’t know why they’re not here. That’s weird.”

You shrugged as if to say that you wouldn’t know either. “What are their names again?”

“Yoongi and Taehyung,” he answered, then waited another second to see if he could feel their presence. Nothing again. That was really strange — they often responded upon being called. “Listen, Y/N, I hate what we went through. They had no right to say those things. I’m used to the privacy issues, since I have been with them for a while. But you aren’t, and I can only imagine how weird you felt hearing all that. I’m really, really sorry.”

You pressed your lips together which, Jungkook guessed, was a failed attempt to suppress the rubor that exploded across your cheeks. He couldn’t blame you, though, for there were limits that were crossed. “I’m over it if you are,” was what you forced yourself to say.

“I am,” he lied. None of you were particularly good at not telling the truth, and that was pretty obvious. But ignoring it was a start.

“Good, okay.” You cleared your throat, placing the palms of your hands against the pile of books. “Sorry for lying about needing help in physiology, and all that. I just needed an excuse to spend more time with you, as you know now. I guess it’s obvious that I kinda have a huge crush on you.”

“It’s fine.” Jungkook laughed, extremely relieved to notice that your last sentence was in present tense. “I kinda have a huge crush on you too.”

Honestly, even if it wasn’t for life, he’d have to give you props for still liking a guy that had had a borderline psychotic breakdown in your apartment, talked about your pet tortoise, and your masturbation technique, and still had the nerve to expose you to the supernatural world. It was a lot. Good on you for taking it like a champ.

“And,” he continued, “sorry for using my ghosts to expose your secrets. I just needed to find a way for you to believe me, and I had no idea about what they were going to say. I was pretty much in a frenzied state, I wasn’t thinking straight. It won’t happen again.”

“Apologies accepted.” You smiled, relieved. You were really beautiful, Jungkook thought in a breathless instant. He could look at you all day. “You know, it’s going to take me some time to get used to all that. I mean, I’m still not a hundred percent sure I believe in everything, but, I… My lamp flew across the room, and you told me things that you simply couldn’t know about. So, if it’s a prank, it’s a really good one.”

“I know how it is.” He nodded in agreement. “It was really difficult for me at first, too. I understand if you’d rather just stay away from me from now on.”

You sighed, looking down at your books — the two mammoth-sized volumes of Harrison’s Internal Medicine staring at you in mockery. “Weird thing is: I don’t really want to.” You crossed your arms and leaned back against the chair. Was that the sound of angels singing? Jungkook couldn’t tell. “I’d love to spend more time with you. Alone, if possible. And that counts both planes of existence.”

“Sounds fair, I’d love that.” Jungkook smiled. As he met your eyes, he was filled with a warm, rose-colored courage that he had never felt before. “Actually, I was wondering if, you know… you wanna do something? With me? Alone, of course. No ghosts. One of these days, I don’t know. If you’re not busy—”

You raised your eyebrows, interested. “You’re asking me out?”

He sighed, shoulders falling in defeat. “Trying, yeah. You can see I’m not the best at that either.”

Your smile grew a little. “That’s a big yes.”

“Really?” Jungkook stared at you like a lost puppy, his mind going completely blank for a second or two. The hamster in his brain was now somersaulting through his body, landing on his stomach and hitting him with a wave of nausea. “Wow, thanks. I don’t really have an idea of what we could do, though. Didn’t think I’d get that far.”

There was an instant of quietude as you thought for a moment, the space between the two of you permeated by the vague sounds of pages turning. “Movies?” You asked.

“Sounds great.” Jungkook smiled openly, his shoulders falling in alleviation. He didn’t know what Taehyung and Yoongi had done, but he was beyond thankful for it. Seemed like their sacrifices weren’t in vain, after all. “The film majors are doing this 2000’s marathon this week. I think this Saturday it’ll be either Mean Girls or 17 Again.”

“I’m in,” you spoke excitedly. “I’ll be there, just text me the details.”

Jungkook almost swallowed his own tongue as he watched you stand up, presenting him with a gorgeous view of thighs beneath the level of your skirt. “Great!” He exclaimed a bit too loud, his voice a bit too high-pitched, awakening his inner thirteen-year-old. He cleared his throat, lowering his voice another octave. “I mean, yeah, great. Thank you for… saying yes.”

“Thank you for asking.” You placed your hair behind your shoulder, and leaned in to pick up the heavy pile of books. All nine kilos of Internal Medicine.

“See you there,” he said.

You smiled. “See you, Kookie.”

Jungkook watched you walk away as if he was floating in a fever dream, completely unable to believe what had just unfolded. Did he seriously manage to get a date with you? Of all people? He must’ve been hallucinating. Maybe he ended up falling down the stairwell and died, perhaps that was his heaven, and he would—

Behind him, Taehyung sneered. “Kookie? You’re getting softer than your dick.”

Jungkook turned around so brusquely that the chair tilted back and, if it wasn’t for him holding down to the corner of the table, he would’ve fallen to the ground. “You two were there all along?” He whispered-screamed. Before he could land a sermon on them, though, he met the devilish smirk that was plastered all over Yoongi’s features. Oh no. No. The movies. “No, Yoongi, I know what you’re thinki—”

“Get in, loser, we’re going to the movies.”

_________________

Saturday rolled around and, with it, came your much anticipated movie date. Jungkook had spent the previous night tossing and turning on his bed, completely monopolized by anxiety, thinking about every possible apocalyptic scenario that could go down. What if he tried to take a slip of his drink, but ended up blinding himself with the straw? Maybe he would step on the wrong chord and set the entire college on fire. Or maybe he would trip, fall down on a poor girl, and kill her on the spot. That would be awful, you would never talk to him again after any of that — the imaginary disappointment in your face was like a punch in the gut.

Was he being ridiculous? Obviously. Did that stop his pre-date panic? Obviously not.

Still, with the might of a thousand warriors, Jungkook managed to drag himself to your date, his knees almost giving out beneath him when he saw you — he didn’t believe you would actually come, for some of him still thought it was all a sadistic heaven prank. Somehow, he blurted out a compliment about how good you looked while he was having a heart attack, and almost lost his consciousness when you smiled at him.

Yep, it would be a difficult night.

The movie marathon consisted of three 2000’s movies, and the two of you managed to arrive right before Mean Girls started, fumbling on your seats as the rest of the room grew quiet. The makeshift classroom didn’t look like a movie theater in the slightest, but it wasn’t as if you were expecting that in the first place — it was nothing more than an agglomeration of chairs and desks, combined with a few puff chairs and old couches scattered around. Much to your delight, you and Jungkook managed to grab one of those couches before another couple returned to their seats, and he could see that his ghost buddies had already found their own place on the empty chairs behind the two of you.

Surprise! None of the catastrophic scenarios in his mind actually came true. In fact, he had a great time with you, laughing at your jokes and sometimes flat-out stealing Yoongi’s commentary just to make you chuckle, which granted him a few mumbled complaints coming from the back row.

“Jungkook is so superior, don’t you think, Taehyung?” Yoongi mocked, and Jungkook was sure that he would be kicking his seat if he could. “So smart. So great. But can’t even figure out his own jokes. Has to steal them from a poor dead man. You’re a grave robber.”

Taehyung chuckled. “Hey, you’re helping him, at least. That’s our whole point here.”

“Grave robber!” he repeated, more aggressively this time. “I can’t believe you’d ruin Mean Girls for me like this. Not even hell would be so cruel.”

“How dare you say that about hell? If I get in trouble because you can’t keep your mouth shut, Yoongi, I swear to God—”

“Now you’re saying God’s name in vain, you heretic! That’s so much worse!”

Jungkook had to bite back a laugh as the two continued bickering behind him, only half aware of the scene in which Regina George glued her own picture on the burn book. He didn’t know when exactly he had done it — he had been so on edge the entire night that it was almost as if his own brain was instantly deleting his memories, but he had managed to curl one arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him. He was sure that you could hear the frantic heartbeat of his heart against his chest, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t think he could even get that far.

But he did, and even reached beyond that.

Once the screen faded to black and the credits started appearing, there was a resounding wave of claps in the room, cheering for the absolute cultural reset that was that movie. One of the students moved to the front of the room, explaining that they would take a ten minutes break, then would return with She’s All That. Apparently, 1999 was close enough to the 2000’s for it to be picked as well.

“Do you wanna stay and watch it?” He asked, fighting every muscle in his body not to smell your hair. He knew that it would be super creepy, yeah, but your head was right there and it smelled so good.

You removed your body from his chest, looking up at him. “I would love to, but I have to wake up early tomorrow to study,” you said. “Big test on Monday.”

“Sure, yeah.” Jungkook nodded, slightly let down. To be honest, he had completely forgotten that information until that point. Seems like he would have a lot to catch up on during the next day. “I’ll walk you to your dorm.”

You thanked him with a smile, and you two got moving.

The walk back to your place wasn’t exactly awkward, but it could have also been a lot better. The two of you talked about the movie animatedly, the subject that you had to study — an awful amount of gastric pathology to memorize — and, eventually, landed on your weirdest experiences during hospital rounds. You were in the middle of telling him how two toddlers (twins) managed to puke on you at the same time, and how you thought that was a sign of a telepathic connection between the two, when he felt the back of his hand brush against yours, and everything around him turned into static. Suddenly, it was all that he could think about.

Jungkook had already spent the entire date with questions flying around his head. When was the right time to pull you close? Could he hold your hand, or would that be too bold? Could you smell how sweaty he was? Or maybe his deodorant was too strong? If he ran away, trained to be an astronaut, and joined the Mars colonization mission, would he be able to avoid embarrassing himself again?

And, more importantly: would it be weird to kiss you goodnight?

Considering the fact that he had no clue how to read your body language, and that almost all of his romantic experience came from bad sitcoms and Twilight marathons with Yoongi, Jungkook didn’t judge himself suited to answer that last question. He didn’t know if he should hold your hand, he didn’t know if you were just being polite or if you actually had a good time. Again and again, his anxiety got the best of him. He should really get back to seeing his campus counselor.

“So… we’re here,” you said, holding your hands in front of your body. You had stopped at the entrance of your block, and Jungkook took that as a sign that you didn’t want him to go all the way back to your apartment. Fair enough. “Thank you for tonight, I had a lot of fun. We should do this again sometimes.”

“For sure, yeah.” Jungkook nodded, somewhat relieved that you asked for that. At least that was a clear sign that you didn’t completely hate him. “That would be great.”

You agreed and looked down at your shoes. The darkness of the night enveloped the two of you, only half of your features illuminated by the dim yellow shine of the nearest light post. Jungkook almost fainted when you stared into his eyes, with a faint blush painting your cheeks, and questioned, “So, you’re not gonna kiss me?”

Windows’ blue screen. Please, hold.

“I… I, uh—” Jungkook’s mouth felt as if he had just swallowed an entire desert, his brain fighting to keep his voice steady. Your eyes, so focused and expectant, felt like daggers against his chest. “I didn’t know if you wanted to,” he finally admitted.

Your shoulders fell as a tender smile curled up on your roseate lips. Jungkook thought you were the most beautiful thing he had ever had the pleasure of seeing. “I do,” you told him gently. His heart almost leaped out of his throat. “Do you want to?”

And that was the easiest question that he would ever answer. “Yeah,” Jungkook said.

You smiled. “Perfect.”

The boy barely had time to react before your hand was curling around the fabric of his shirt, and you pulled him towards you in a playful tug. Jungkook’s eyes stayed comically widened for a second after your lips met, but, soon enough, he allowed himself to melt into your embrace, his nervous hands landing on your waist, and his mind instantly calming down.

He kissed you slowly, carefully, almost afraid that, at the faintest of movements, reality would shatter and he would lose that moment forever. Of course, it didn’t, and he stayed on that instant a bit longer before, at last, he pulled away, slightly breathless.

“I should’ve done that sooner,” he confessed.

You tilted your head at him, fingers playing with his hair. “It happened at the right time,” you said. “Some things can’t be rushed. Especially the good ones.”

Just like that, he understood what Taehyung and Yoongi had been saying all those years. No matter how cliche it was, there was some truth to the saying that ‘what is supposed to happen, will’. And, the better that something is, the more work it will require.

But, as he kissed you again, Jungkook realized that it was all worth it in the end.

____________

The following months by your side were so amazing that Jungkook constantly brought back his theory that “maybe he was actually dead, and that was heaven.” And, if it was, he would make sure to shake God’s hand himself because, holy fuck, was he one lucky man.

Okay, maybe the first few weeks together were a bit painfully cringe-worthy, but he was really trying to pretend as if they didn’t happen. Jungkook didn’t really get the memo, and he had to slowly figure out how to behave romantically with you. He got it wrong the first few times — kissing you at the worst possible moment, or sending you a huge bouquet of roses during your microbiology exam — but, eventually, you guided him towards more neutral grounds. Then everything went smoothly.

Surprisingly, even the undead duo calmed down for a while. Yoongi and Taehyung were still around, since they had no other option, but were much quieter now, only making punctual remarks when Jungkook made a fool out of himself. Hell, they even left the room when things started getting more serious between the two of you, instead of giving Cosmopolitan-worthy advice, and that was a huge improvement.

But, of course, it wouldn’t be Jungkook’s life if there wasn’t a huge joke waiting just around the corner. Soon enough, another issue would present itself.

It came in the form of a warm mumble against his lips, and the vague — yet deliciously noticeable — rolling of your hips against his own. “Jungkook,” you called, breathless after a long make-out session. The two of you were on his couch, with you sitting on his lap, straddling him. “I want you.”

He froze. What else would he do? Jungkook was a panicked virgin. He knew that your intimate times would happen eventually — and he really wanted them to — but he didn’t expect that his mind would completely malfunction once he got so close, with his erection growing inside his pants and the softness of your breasts pressing against his torso. It was just a lot, alright?

And, lost amidst the tempestuous sea of his sudden despair, all that he could utter back was, “Are… Are you sure you want to do this right now?”

“Yeah.” You placed a strand of hair behind your ear. Jungkook thought that he could faint on the spot. It was actually a pretty common sensation with him. “You don’t want it?”

“No — I mean yeah! Yeah, I want it.” He choked on his words, looking down in embarrassment, only to meet the contour of your thighs. His youth leader had been right all along: temptation was everywhere. “I’m just… I’ve never done anything before.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” you tried to calm him down, placing your hands on his shoulders. The heat of your palms seemed to have some effect on the chaotic emotions that boiled inside him, for his muscles relaxed considerably under your touch. “I won’t pressure you, okay? If you want to take more time, it’s completely fine.”

“No, it’s not like that. I don’t feel pressured.” He shook his head, then looked up at you. You could almost feel the conflict inside his gaze, the mixture of anticipation and fear that you knew all too well. “I want you, Y/N, I really do. I’m just nervous.”

“It’s fine,” you repeated. “We don’t have to do anything now, and we can start slo—”

But he couldn’t listen to the end of your phrase, because a familiar voice damn near hollered from the other side of the room. “Taehyung, come in here! Quick!” Yoongi yelled, signaling through the door like he was controlling the air traffic. “He’s getting some! Jungkook’s about to get his cherry popped the fuck off!”

You tilted your head to the side, staring him down with preoccupation. “Jungkook? Are you okay?”

“The fuck! There is no fucking way!” Taehyung’s voice got louder as he yelled, signaling his growing proximity. “Call NASA right now!”

Jungkook sighed, throwing his head against the couch. Goodbye erection, and goodbye any chance of having sex that day. “Yoongi and Taehyung just showed up,” he mumbled bitterly.

You lowered your gaze and took a deep breath, then removed yourself from his lap. Jungkook hated the lack of heat, and he swore he would have drop-kicked the two if they weren’t in a different dimension. The certainty of death was all that he needed to know that he would get his revenge some day. “Of course they did,” you complained, fixing your clothes. “I love being cockblocked by cockless ghosts. Again.”

“Hey!” Taehyung sounded actually offended.

Jungkook turned around harshly, his voice bitter. “Can the two of you just fuck off? This is not the time.”

“So you two can fuck?” Yoongi grinned, then looked at Taehyung. “We should, actually.”

“Jungkook… this is too weird now.” You raised your hands in a silent bargain for it all to stop. You could deal with a few psychic sessions every once in a while, but being a voyeurism victim for ghosts wouldn’t be the way you wanted to spend your afternoon. “Let’s do this another time, okay? I should get going anyways. Big day at the hospital tomorrow.”

He took one of his hands to his face, massaging his temple. You got up from the couch, reaching for your backpack. “Yeah, okay.” The boy pouted, and you leaned in to give him a quick peck on the lips. Disappointing end for a night, to say the least. “Good luck tomorrow. Text me if you get an interesting case!”

“Thanks! I will.” You threw your backpack strap over your shoulder and started walking towards the exit. Jungkook couldn’t blame you for just wanting to leave that place as soon as possible, he was sure that the discomfort was much worse for you. “Bye, Jungkook! I’ll let you know when I get to my place.”

He opened his mouth to thank you, but you were already out the door. The lock clicked shut, and the silence became thick, mocking him. Even if he already had an actual girlfriend, Jungkook still found himself being left behind by someone that would never want to see him again — dick semi-hard and morale shattered on the ground. Seems like he always found himself back in that position.

Taehyung materialized on the couch next to him, hugging his knees. He was staring at the closed door, somewhat expecting that you would come back, but knowing very well that you wouldn’t do so. “Okay, I accept that it was our fault,” he said, oscillating his gaze towards Jungkook. “Sorry, man. We are like, super invested in this. There’s almost nothing interesting going on in the afterlife and this is, like, better than any TV show airing right now.”

Jungkook rolled his eyes, utterly exhausted at the mess that had become his life. He was done giving them sermons: it had basically turned into the world’s worst pastime and gave little to no results. “You know what? Just promise me you’re not going to show up next time.” He stared both of them down. “I don’t wanna be watched, that’s just weird. And I know that Y/N isn’t happy about that either.”

Yoongi shrugged. “Some people like it.”

“Yeah, I’m not one of those people,” he told him. “Guys, please. I know you two are as excited as I am about this, and I appreciate your... support, but I think this is something I need to do alone. In peace. Not being watched by spirits. That’s isn’t too much to ask.”

“He’s right, you know?” Taehyung said, looking back at Yoongi. “We should stay in our lane for now.”

The other ghost looked down at his feet, which basically morphed into the carpet beneath them. For the first time in two long years, he actually seemed like he was rethinking his actions. “Yeah, sorry,” Yoongi responded. “We got carried away. We’ll leave next time. Maybe try something when your neighbors are having a movie night.”

Jungkook’s shoulders fell in alleviation. Maybe not everything was doomed. “Thank you,” he spoke, then nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I’ll probably do that. When is the next one?”

Taehyung looked at Yoongi, then back at him. “What are the chances that you’re gonna get your virgin shit together by tomorrow night?”

___________

Slim to none, actually, but he had managed to (kind of) do it. Focus on the “kind of.”

Jungkook had spent the previous night doing in-depth research about sexual intercourse, and basing his actions in real-life situations. That meant that he stayed up until four in the morning watching porn. Not masturbating. Just watching it very closely and trying to learn what to do — like an actual serial killer.

“Do you think that this is… a good idea?” Taehyung spoke from the other side of his room, preoccupation plastered all over his face. The whole porn-science was funny for the first twenty minutes, and then it just ended up being terrifying. “You know that people don’t actually have sex like that, right? It’s all exaggerated.”

“Quiet!” Jungkook raised his finger after a particularly loud moan echoed, his eyes red and glued to the computer screen. The white light from his device was awfully sharp, bathing his figure and making his image border on demonic. It really wasn’t a good look. “I’m researching. I need to know what to do.”

“You look and sound like a maniac.” Taehyung walked closer to the bed, measuring his movements. After he died, he thought that he would never be afraid of any other living thing — but Jungkook had just proved him wrong. Against his best judgement, he took a peek at the screen. “No! Oh my— That’s not natural. That’s so wrong. You should know, you studied anatomy.”

“I’m not gonna do this tomorrow,” Jungkook mumbled, closing the video. Taehyung recoiled back to the darkness of the room like a vampire that had just been touched by the sun. “The plot was interesting.”

“You’re not even hard, man,” he said, pointing at Jungkook’s trousers. “This is like, really weird. You should stop before you have some problem getting it up tomorrow.”

“What are you trying to say?” He narrowed his eyes, paranoid. “That wouldn’t happen. I know what I can do.”

“You’re the medical student, take a look,” Taehyung insisted. “There’s research about that, pornography affects young men and women a lot and— Actually, what the fuck am I talking about? This is crazy. I should’ve left with Yoongi.”

“Wait, I just—” Jungkook closed his computer with a sigh. His hair was disheveled and his gaze was unfocused. It really was the oddest night in Taehyung’s life/death. “I just don’t know what to do tomorrow. I’m about to have an anxiety attack. It’s like the third one tonight.”

Taehyung pressed his lips together, the discomfort inside him being replaced by a warm sense of understanding. “Man, she knows you don’t have experience. She isn’t expecting a porn star performance, or whatever the fuck you were just watching.” He pointed to the computer, which was now neglected amongst the sea of blankets. “By the way, I’m a changed spirit. I hate you for making me see that.”

Jungkook would have laughed at his distress if he wasn’t too tired to do that. “Technically, you decided to look at it yourself,” he corrected. “But, yeah, I know she’s not expecting anything great. But I don’t wanna make a fool out of myself, you know? Not like it’s a rare occasion or anything.”

Taehyung shrugged. Being alive made everything seem so much more important than it actually was, he thought. “Lay back and let her take the lead, then.”

Jungkook furrowed his brow, his eyes widening at the idea. Of course! That was the big galaxy brain moment he needed all along. “Are you serious? It’s that simple?” He asked, hopeful.

Taehyung chuckled. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

Yeah. It was that simple. Who would’ve thought that those see-through idiots actually would have something intelligent to say?

Really, it was a time of miracles in Jungkook’s life. The following day, the planets aligned and, for the first time ever since puberty, everything went right for him: the class ended a bit early, his neighbors decided to watch two movies instead of one, and his place was perfectly devoid of any paranormal activity by the time you wandered into it.

He didn’t tell you that he had planned that entire thing before it happened — he thought it would be super strange to schedule his virginity loss out loud — and he was glad to see that everything evolved naturally. One hour and forty minutes after you arrived, you two were already at the same point that you had left the day before — only, this time, you two actually managed to get to his bed.

“They’re not here, are they? You’re sure?” You asked in between kisses for what should’ve been the fifth time.

“No, I asked them to leave earlier.” Jungkook’s hands pressed down on your hips, the sensation of your center rolling against his erection eliciting a sigh from him. Ha! Fuck Taehyung and his soft dick curse. “I actually… Before we do anything, I actually wanted to know if you could, you know, help me a little.”

You hummed, taking your face away from his. Jungkook watched as you licked your lips, your eyes dazed, and leaned in to place another kiss against his mouth. “In what way?” You asked.

“Just... show me what to do,” he said. “What you like, if I’m doing something wrong… everything.”

With a soft smile, you agreed, arms curling around his shoulders. “Of course,” you told him. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

That being said, you dove back to his lips, feeling as he both simultaneously relaxed and tensed up under your touches. Jungkook had evolved a lot in those past few months, you realized, since the early-dating version of him wouldn’t find himself in that position without turning into a stuttering, blushing mess beneath you. It was kind of cute, but you’d never say that out loud.

You felt his hands trailing up your back, underneath your clothes, his palms dwelling in the softness of your skin for a moment before, in a courageous movement, he decided to pull your shirt up. There was a short separation of your mouths as the piece of clothing slid up your arms, and collapsed against the floor in a puddle of cotton.

Jungkook sighed once he felt the lace of your bra against his hands; the softness of your breasts was something that he continuously daydreamed about. Now, without the barrier of your clothes, all that he needed was to remove that last constriction and he would be—

“Oh well…” He chuckled nervously, fumbling with your bra. “Sorry, I don’t know how to open this.”

You smiled at the embarrassment that danced around his features. “Relax, okay?” You said, moving your hands to your back and taking care of that problem yourself. You’d teach him about the magic of unclasping bras another time. “It’s fine.”

But Jungkook didn’t have time to think about an answer, for soon your bra was meeting your shirt on the floor. His reaction would’ve been the same if you just moved over and came back with a baby dinosaur in your hands — his eyes widening in amazement as he took in the image of your nude breasts, a small whimper perishing in his throat as he slithered his hands upward, cupping them.

Your breath stopped for a moment when he leaned in, reluctant, and enveloped one of your nipples with his warm mouth, his tongue delicately coming out to trace circles on your sensitive flesh. Jungkook groaned at the sensation, his cock becoming unbearably hard against his pants, and tilted your body over so he could be on top of you.

You curled up against the sheets, sighing in delight as the boy continued to work on your breasts, kissing and sucking lightly, taking his time. Every time you looked down, you could see that Jungkook was having almost as much fun as you, the small moans that dripped from his tongue vibrating inside your chest.

“Does it feel good?” He raised his gaze towards you, expectant. “Am I doing a good job?”

“Yes, very good.” Your hands curled around the roots of his hair. The action was gentle, but Jungkook shuddered under the sensation — every small movement proved itself to be a lot for him to handle. “You’re doing amazing. Is there something that you want to do, Kookie?”

The boy licked his lips, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. Part of him (probably the sleep deprived one) still didn’t believe that you two were actually doing that — that it wasn’t just a figment of his horny imagination. No, it was real. You were right there in front of him, beautiful and devastating, caressing his hair as you waited for an answer.

“I… I want to make you feel good,” he said, wide-eyed and hesitant. His dick felt painfully hard being so constructed by his pants and, suddenly, he became aware of how clothed he still was. No wonder it was so hot. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”

Your lips curled up at his adorableness, one of your hands meeting his wrist. Patiently, you guided it down, and placed it on the hem of your pants. “Can you touch me?” You questioned. “I can tell you what I like.”

“Oh, please,” he almost pleaded, his hand already fumbling to open your pants. Much to his delight, those were a lot easier than your bra, and they were soon sliding down your legs with ease.

He took a moment to take in your form, eyes traveling up from your legs, to your hips, then all the way back to your breasts. As Jungkook met your gaze, he allowed for a suspire of relief to depart from his mouth, shoulders relaxing. “I’m so lucky,” he spoke, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

The smile that you presented him looked brighter than all of the stars above. “Come here,” you called, leaning against your elbows. “Give me a kiss.”

Obedient, Jungkook did as you requested, a grunt escaping his chest once you pulled him into a sloppy kiss, nails brushing lightly against the skin of his neck. He had goosebumps at the sensation, his hand moving by its own will, navigating down your stomach and towards your heat.

His fingers hovered, insecure, over the hem of your panties for a moment. Still, at the sound of his name being spoken against the kiss, he was overtaken by an ephemeral spark of courage. Soon, your panties were on the floor too.

“Fuck, you’re so wet,” Jungkook whined at the contact, his fingers dwelling just above your entrance. Inside his pants, his cock twitched at the sensation, his lower body already tingling with excitement. He didn’t know how he would manage not to cum in his pants, but he would have to find a way. “What do I do now?”

“Now...” you said, leaning your head against the pillow. “Move up and find my clit. Make all those hours of anatomy worth it,” you joked.

Jungkook nodded, but anatomy was much more difficult when he wasn’t actually looking at a certain part of the body — he was much more interested in watching your expression. Embarrassed, he did as you requested, trailing his wet fingers up until you told him to stop. “Right there,” you said, sighing once you felt his hand pressing down on it, starting to trace small circular patterns. “That’s it, baby, great job.”

His heart leaped at the compliment, and his actions became firmer. Jungkook thought he would go insane when he heard you whimper and cry out at the sensation, your hips bucking up against his hand ever so slightly. “You’re so hot,” he breathlessly confessed, his words coming in a hot puff of air against your neck. His digits slowly trailed down, towards your entrance, and he paused. “Can I?”

“Yeah,” you agreed.

Jungkook swallowed hard, adventuring one finger inside you. At the sensation of your walls clenching around him, he moaned, biting his lip. “God, you’re so tight,” he told you, adding a second finger. You raised your hips at the contact, hands curling on his hair. “I can’t wait to feel you around my cock.”

His mouth came back to your breasts, sucking and licking your flesh. Jungkook was a mess, you realized — pressing down his hard member against your thigh, whining against your skin as his fingers curled inside you, sinking into your wetness. God, you weren’t made of steel. “I want it,” you told him, and he didn’t understand your words for a moment. “I want to feel you, Jungkook.”

And he didn’t need anything else. The boy moved away from your body and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor alongside the rest of your clothes. It was no time for hesitation— he didn’t know how much of his precious alone time he had left. “Condoms.” He pointed at his nightstand. “Top drawer.”

You turned around on the bed, reaching for the furniture as the boy unbuckled his belt and clumsily removed his pants. The mattress bounced beneath you as Jungkook tossed himself around, finding a way to lose his balance as he threw his pants on the ground. Much to his relief, you weren’t paying much attention to it.

He was already panting — in a mixture of excitement and his pathetic effort to remove his pants — by the time that you gave him the condom. “Do you put it on, or do you want me to?” You asked.

Jungkook had trained on enough bananas to know that he could do it, but he wasn’t gonna let the chance to have you touching him down there pass. “You do it, please.”

You nodded, sitting next to his expectant figure. Jungkook’s chest rose and fell in anticipation, his muscles glistening with the small droplets of sweat that decorated his caramel skin. His cock was hard and heavy against the fabric of his grey underwear, practically calling for your care.

Attentively, you watched as his abdomen tensed up at the feeling of one of your hands pressing down against his clothed erection, delicately moving towards his crown. A gasp tumbled from his lips as you rolled your thumb against it, noticing the wetness that had already accumulated beneath your hand, and he rolled his hips against the pressure. Really, Jungkook was too precious.

“Please, don’t tease,” he begged, eyes following your every move. His cock throbbed in your hands, needy. “I don’t think I can hold it much longer.”

With a hum of agreement, you moved your hand away from his erection, and pulled his underwear down gently. Jungkook whimpered at the fiction, and the way his cock was freed from its constraints, bouncing back against his abdomen. The smallest of touches was more than enough for him to lose himself.

“Shhh, it’s fine,” you calmed him down, slowly (too slowly) rolling the condom on him. His hands clenched into fists next to him, grabbing handfuls of the white sheets. Okay, maybe you were being a bit mean. “Just tell me what you want.”

Jungkook closed his eyes for a moment, holding back a cry of frustration. “Ride me, please,” his words came out in a plea, his expression so permeated by need that you thought that he could cry if you teased him any further. God, everything was so perfect about him — the glistening in his onyx irises, the reddening of his lips as he bit down on them, trying to fight back a whimper as you placed yourself over him. “I— I need to feel you. I’m going crazy.”

There was no need for more convincing — again, you weren’t made of steel.

You sighed as you sank down on his member, one of your hands finding support against his pecs, as the other curled around his cock, guiding him inside you. Jungkook closed his eyes and threw his head against the alabaster pillow, his flower-like lips opening to cry out at the sensation. “Oh fuck,” he cursed. “Oh, baby, that’s so good.”

Seeing him like that, so submissive, so deliciously responsive to your faintest of touches, was, at the very least, extremely erotic. You loved to see the way he flinched and whined at the sensation of your walls clenching around him, his hands unsure of where they should be on your body. Awfully slow, you rose your hips from him, almost letting him slip out, before you shifted your weight back down, watching as Jungkook moaned out your name.

God, he was really about to fall apart.

Slowly, you began setting a pace, moving up and down on his cock. It was a lot slower than Jungkook expected, but it was just the right speed to make him appreciate every sensation of your body wrapping his own.

“Feels good?” you asked, a bit breathless. The sensation of him filling you up was even better than you had anticipated, and, combined with his shameless exclamations of pleasure, you didn’t think that you’d last much longer either.

Before he could answer, a tremulous sigh ruptured upon his mouth, reverberating just behind his teeth. Jungkook took another second to find his words, inhaling sharply. “So good,” he spoke, and you almost whined out at the lust that ornamented his voice. “Can you move faster? Please?”

Maybe in different times, you’d take your time to provoke him a bit more. At that point, though, you’d do anything he wanted you to. “Yeah,” you agreed, doing as requested. The sound of your wetness and the slapping of skin against skin was lewd, filling the room alongside Jungkook’s voice. “Like this?”

“Fuck, yeah, like this,” he cried out, closing his eyes in absolute euphoria. He could feel the movement of your asscheeks against his palms, the sensation enough to drive him insane. Jungkook was already amazed at the fact that he didn’t embarrass himself with premature ejaculation the second that you removed his underwear — but it didn’t mean that he didn’t get close to it. The second his hands squeezed your ass, he was positive he would end the game a bit earlier than the two of you would like. “It— it feels so good. Please, don’t stop.”

With a moan, you threw your body forward, placing kisses on the curvature of his neck, a sensation that quickly sent shivers down his skin. The new angle made his cock hit even deeper inside you, causing for you both to melt in pleasure. “You feel so good,” you told him, nails digging against his flesh. The knot in your stomach was all too familiar, and you knew that you wouldn’t take much longer. “I love having you inside me.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s good.” He mumbled, only half aware of the words leaving his lips. Jungkook’s eyes were dazed and unfocused, looking at nowhere in particular, his fingertips digging in your flesh. “You’re… you’re getting tighter.”

“Y-Yeah,” you agreed, voice coming out in a moan. “I’m close.”

He swallowed hard. “I can help,” he said.

Before you could ask what he was trying to do, Jungkook moved his hand back to your center, two of his fingers playing with your clit. You gasped at the sensation, eyes closing as you kept riding him, rolling your hips, feeling as he reached for every part of you. It was all becoming too much, the pleasure that decorated his features, the delicious friction of his body against yours, the frail moans that dropped from his tongue like honey. He was just too much.

With a faint call of his name — a melody that would be stuck in his head forever —, you finally crossed the threshold of your orgasm, and came around him; morphing into a trembling and moaning mess. Jungkook watched, in absolute awe, as your face was monopolized by bliss, your teeth sinking down on your bottom lip and your eyes rolling back.

He removed his hand from your heat, placing it on your waist. Using every final ounce of energy in your body, you continued riding him. Through parted lids, you noticed that his thighs were starting to shake, signaling that he, too, was close. “Baby,” the boy called out, his fingers digging to the sides of your hips. Jungkook was both trying to guide your movements, and hold himself back to reality. It was a beautiful view — the way his expression lingered somewhere between delight and distress; his hips mindlessly trusting up against yours. “I think I’m gonna cum.”

You breathed out through your nose, trying to ignore the pleasure that, now, was turning into sensitivity. It felt good, in a way, but you were more focused on his relief at that point. “It’s okay, Kookie,” you told him, “you can let go.”

He had been so polite the entire time, with his “please” and “thank you’s. So, of course, when you told him that it was okay for him to cum, he did just as you requested.

Jungkook came with gasping breaths and a trembling, high-pitched moan, holding on to you as he thrusted his last sloppy advances towards your core. His hands, weak, fell on the bed besides him, clenching the sheets; eyelashes fluttering down as he dwelled on the afterglow of his pleasure. You could stay there forever, looking at the pink shade that colored his cheeks; the beautiful mess that his black hair had turned into; or the tears of relief that accumulated at the corner of his eyes.

But everything has to end, even the most beautiful ones.

His tongue came out to wet his lips, and his eyes, still hooded, met yours. Not even the biggest minds in the renaissance could’ve thought of an image so perfect, so ethereal. “You’re so amazing,” he praised. “That was… amazing.”

You smiled and leaned in to place a soft kiss against his lips. His member slipped out of you at the action, and his arms curled around your waist, keeping you in place. “You did pretty well,” you mumbled as you lazily curled up against his chest. Jungkook’s body was a delicious source of heat, and you could really get used to that. “I see a bright future ahead of you.”

He hummed, caressing your hair. Jungkook could finally smell it without being creepy, so that was a big victory for him. “You did most of the work,” he said.

“That’s not an issue.” You nuzzled his neck, pleasantly feeling as goosebumps spread throughout his body. Always so responsive. “I’ll let you take the lead next time, if that sounds good to you.”

Jungkook chuckled. “That’d be great, yeah,” he agreed. Part of him thought about using a few tricks he learned during his late-night research, but he wasn’t super sure that it would be a good idea. Maybe he should keep that card up his sleeve for a bit longer in case he needed to surprise you later. “Do you want to spend the night? It’s kind of late to go back to your place now.”

The words fell from his tongue with ease, surprising the boy for an instant. He noticed that he was much more comfortable in your presence, like the pieces of the puzzle had finally fallen into place. Not because of the sex itself, he realized, but because of the vulnerability and intimacy that came with it. It happened just as it was supposed to.

“I’d love to.” You smiled, and placed a kiss against his neck. “But I’m going to kick you out if you start snoring.”

“Out of my own place?” He asked.

You sighed, voice filled by traces of your upcoming slumber. “Don’t you test me,” you spoke, wrapping your arms around him. “Medical school is killing me, I need some sleep. And I will get it no matter the price.”

Jungkook laughed at your tired words, one of his hands caressing your head in infinite delicacy. As he held to your body, curling so perfectly against his own, he knew that everything would be okay. And maybe he needed a good night of sleep too.

A few minutes later, as he started to feel the sensation of his consciousness slowly drifting away to the land of dreams, a bittersweet sentiment overtook his chest. There was an instant, even if ephemeral, in which Jungkook believed he would never see Yoongi and Taehyung again — after all, the two had already concluded their mission: Jungkook got the girl and there was nothing else left for them to do. In between two consecutive breaths, he felt both relief and solitude. Silence wasn’t as welcoming once he realized no voice could break it.

Though, his melodramatic moment was short-lived. Behind him, a known timbre cheered for him:

“I’m so proud, I feel like a soccer mom.”

2K notes · View notes

adonis-koo · 4 years

Text

Moon Child • knj

↳ Summary: You had never dreamed of a day where you weren’t an Omega, beneath the boots of all your brothers and sisters. In an untimely manner your life is quickly turned upside down at the unexpected Blood Moon Alpha being your mate. With a new home you are summoned to the Kingdom of Vampires all while struggling to get to know your new mate.

↳ Genre: werewolf!AU, a pinch of angst, fluff, smut, alpha!namjoon and omega reader dynamic, soulmate au,

↳ Word Count: 16k

↳ Pairing: Namjoon/Reader

↳ Tags: whew okay um, brief thigh riding, dom!namjoon, alpha is used as a title, rough sex, vaginal fingering, doggy style (what else were y’all expecting?), heat sex, mating, a lil degradation (he calls her a bitch a lot), namjoon likes to call her little :(, size kink, a lil possession, breeding kink, begging, multiple orgasms, namjoon’s cum makes MC go feral??,

Last Installment

Note: aaaah this has taken me over a year to write lmfaooo but it’s so worth it! I can never make a short fic for my husband so I hope you all enjoy!

Run. Feet aching, heart rate spiked and head pounding and yet all you could do was keep running as if your life depended on it. In fact, it did depend on it. Your whole life, your freedom- or what little you had left of it, it all depended on how fast your legs could take you. The cool seeping air that was first sight of winter made your cheeks feel chapped and throbbing, your body near numb with a chill and yet all you could do was shove the branches away from your face away.

You made it obvious, you knew it too, there was no way they couldn’t hear the way your feet crunched over the fallen dead leaves and twigs, the little cuts of your skin was the biggest no-no above all else when escaping a pack- your pack to be exact. You see wolves thrived on scent, it’s how they hunt and track, Werewolves, are no different.

You didn’t know where you were going but you were going to get there somehow. You could hear them in the distance, they were close. Too close. But the rattling up ahead had you spooked as well. You could smell a human and.... something else. A vampire maybe? No, it was strange. Your mind was frantic and you couldn’t go back from where you came.

Shoving through the branches you nearly yelped as you smashed into the doe eyed girl who looked just as scared as you, you could hardly register the throbbing pain of falling down before scrambling away, a whine escaping you as you heard howling in the distance, “Please…” your words weak as you glanced up to the male.

Silver hair and magenta eyes caused him to stick out like a sore thumb in the flora of green, he was immediately at the girls side helping her up as his nose wrinkled, eyes flicking to yours before the girls as he spoke, “Sorry darling but I don’t deal in wolf affairs.”

The girl however couldn’t help but let her lips part, glancing between you and the male before she tugged in his shirt, “Jimin…” She murmured softly, your head frantically shot up at the sound of stampeding paws pounding against the soft earth, they were closing in, “She looks like she needs help...”

Your lips quivered and now that you were on the ground you weren’t sure you could get up any further, your legs ached and your mouth dry and parched, the male gave you a sympathetic look before glancing at the women as he frowned, “Sorry love but wolves have their own court system, nothing we can do about it. Sorry.” He only spared you a brief word before grabbing the girl by her arms and just as you blinked they had dissolved into nothing but black dust and a leftover trail of something foul as you let out a loud whine.

“There she is! I found her!” You scrambled backwards at the sight of your packs head Beta, eyes viscous as he snarled at you. Whining you lowered your gaze as you curled up against yourself. You had one chance and you ruined it. Now what would become of you? It was like a flash, all of your pack hunters surrounding you as they gritted their teeth and snarled, tears blurring in your eyes as you curled into yourself.

You had one chance and just like always, you ruined it.

“Look at the pathetic bitch,” You could the two Beta girls snicker, fingers pointed in your direction as you lowered your gaze, feeling your lips begin with quiver slightly as they began laughing once more, “Her head must be empty if she thought she could outrun us. Omega, fetch us our drinks please.” She shouted, as if just to mock you further.

Tonight was a celebration, and it wasn’t a celebration without the pack’s laughing stock. You, of course. Trying to run away was foolish, it wasn’t like an omega could survive on their own, but you were willing to risk it. Even if it meant just a taste of freedom before you died. Yet just like everything else, you failed miserably.

The torn leather collar was just an added humiliation, a show of power and a show of just how low you were in the pack. You weren’t usually one for self pity, but you couldn’t deny the envy in your veins when you saw other omega’s in the pack.

Omega’s were the lowest of low, they were considered dirt, but even they didn’t have it as bad as you, they continued their daily duties of watching the younger children, washing the pack’s clothes and any other domestic duties. You had all of these responsibilities as well the only difference was that they weren’t the Alpha’s favorite punching bag.

Walking up ahead you held your tray, approaching the two Beta’s who were currently laughing at you before you gasped, feeling a jerking sensation of your body suddenly toppling over due to the Beta’s foot conveniently sticking out just as you walked up to them.

The wooden cups toppled down spilling all over your dress before thudding to the ground making the two girls howl out laughing, “Lost your footing bitch? Awh the poor little omega is going to cry!” Your fists curled in absolute fury as your eyes blurred making them laugh further as you glared at the ground. A wad of spit hitting your cheek as the Beta girl spat at you, “Serves you right you filthy traitor. Abandoning your pack. How shameful!”

They both cackled as they walked away, tears of anger dripping down your cheeks as your hands shook with rage as you harshly wiped the spit off your face. This was life, tormented by people all due to your rank.

You couldn’t help it, you were born an omega. It wasn’t your fault you were born weaker than everyone else, that you couldn’t fight, that your sense of smell wasn’t as good or your sight, it wasn’t your fault you were worthless. Why did everyone's entertainment have to come at your expense?

Sniffling slightly you rubbed the tears from your eyes as you sighed, attempting to not let the frustration get to you. It wasn’t like you could change your birth right regardless. But perhaps in time, people would simply forgot of your existence. Your dress would be stained now and the cups wouldn’t pick itself up after all, life had to go on whether you were the ass of every joke or not.

The last thing you needed was a Beta walking by and scowling at how incompetent you were, “Miss Y/n..! Do you need help!” You glanced up at the bright pair of doe eyes, little Hueningkai stared down at you with that shy smile of his.

You couldn’t help the tiny smile that pulled on your lips as you shook your head, “Don’t worry Kai, I’m fine…” You lowered your gaze a little as you sighed, standing up as you brushed off the specks of dirt from your skirt, your gaze softening a little as you glanced down at the little five year old, “You should get back to your mother. She wouldn’t want you talking to me.”

Hueningkai frowned, those big eyes of his dimming a little before he stomped his foot, “My mom can’t make me! You’re nice Y/n why is everybody so mean to you…!” He frowned eyes looking somewhat glossed at the blatant mistreatment of you, your heart softened a little as you kneeled down, offering the boy a small smile.

He was too young, too innocent to understand how packs- how your pack worked. Some days you couldn’t help but wonder if the little boy’s heart would always stay this soft, or if in time, he’d become cruel like everyone else.

“This is how the pack works Kai, don’t worry about me. I can handle myself. Now run along, the Blood Moon pack will be here soon and I’m sure your mom will want you close.” He parted his lips to object before sighing, bouncing a little in his spot before he nodded. You sighed as you watched him scurry away where the crackle of the large bonfire was in the distance and the moon was high in the sky tonight.

Patrols would be heavy tonight and despite this being a celebration you weren’t a fool to the tension in the air. Blood Moon was one of the strongest packs in the realm, not only this but they recently made an ally with the vampiric Jeon Dynasty of Arestella which was a feat in itself. This was a big step for werewolves. You ran in packs and it was rare that society accepted your kind in their towns and villages for long.

But now having Blood Moon formally recognized, not just by civilization but by the Vampires, the most respected species? It was a massive honor and everyone wanted to jump to be allies with Blood Moon in hopes of also getting an ally with the Jeon Dynasty. Including your pack.

Blood Moon was coming here to evaluate if your pack would be worthy of becoming allies. If it were up to you, you’d tell their Alpha to not waste his time and find a more compassionate pack then your own. If you were going to rot alone in this pack forever then you might as well make everyone just as miserable.

Your pack was strong, but not enough to take on one like Blood Moon, perhaps that’s why the guard rotation would be high tonight, in hopes of making your pack look stronger then it was in reality. Who knows, if this went bad maybe they’d just kill you all. Maybe they’d kill you and put you out of your misery.

The flames of the bonfire exploded as you watched the crowd pile around in the distance, cheers were loud and drums banged as you picked up the cups, gently holding one in each hand as you sighed, the wood had been brittle and cracks had become apparent as they bounced against a large tree root. Standing up you intended to throw away them in the waste bin not too far away from you but you stopped in your tracks at the strong smell. No, scent.

It was like firewood and cedar mixed together, maybe even a little pine if you sniffed hard enough. Your nose wouldn’t stop twitching at such a dreamy scent, you could almost smell the twinge of ash from here. How weird. You rubbed your nose as you dumped the cups into the bin.

No matter how hard you tried though the smell wouldn’t go away, not that you minded of course. It smelt amazing, you just couldn’t help but wonder what- or who- was causing it. Maybe...No...who were you kidding? It was said mate’s had heightened smells, to find one another, but, you surely didn’t have a mate. And even if you did...You doubt they’d ever want you. The crowd seemed to morph into an even larger state as unfamiliar wolves joined in. Blood Moon must have arrived.

“What are you doing standing around bitch? The Alpha wants you.” You sighed as you lowered your gaze, the head Beta snarled at you, grabbing your arm roughly as he yanked you along making a small whimper escape your mouth. You were dragged through the crowd as they made a path for you both as you came up to the large bonfire, everyone standing at a distance due to its immense heat that licked at the air nearby.

You strangled another whine as you were thrown at the boots of your pack’s Alpha, shakily you sat up on your knees wrapping your arms around yourself as you refused to look up at him. You could hear him chuckle as he kneeled down grabbing your chin harshly, “This is our pack's little bitch. I’m sure she’ll keep your beta’s nice and happy, won’t you?” He growled menacingly as you lowered your gaze once more, lips quivering as you sucked in a harsh breath.

That scent from earlier suddenly suddenly invaded your sense once more, this time even more heady than before. It was all you could smell and even tenfold. Your thighs suddenly felt weak and arousal pooled uncomfortably between your legs.

“That won’t be necessary.” A strong deep voice cut in, making all the cheers from your pack stop as a new pair of thick boots stood in front of you. A squeak leaving your lips as you were suddenly pulled to stand up, large hands wrapped around your arms and you were glancing up at the tall daunting figure of the Alpha of Blood Moon.

A hand quickly cupped your chin as your lips began to tremble, you heard him scoff, a twitch of irritation on his face as he lifted your chin higher as if inspecting the bruises you dawned.

You were confused and scared and yet oddly aroused, being face to face with the werewolves strongest Alpha and he seemed angry. Silently furious even, what had you done to even warrant this? Breath? Your lips trembled in fear as thoughts invaded your mind frantically, you were dead, you were really dead now.

You hadn’t even said a word- “If this is how you’ve been treating my mate, then we have no business to attend with you.” Your lips parted, openly gaping at the said alpha who just claimed….you...you were his mate…

Oh...oh my god...you were his mate! You wanted to scream at the top of your lungs at how much of a complete idiot you had been for ignoring his scent earlier yet you were frozen in place staring up at the tall figure of Blood Moon’s Alpha, Kim Namjoon.

He was even more handsome in person then what you had heard, you had an amazing angle of his razor sharp jawline and truthfully you couldn’t help but feel somewhat intimidated and aroused all at the same time. His k-nines looked just as sharp if not even more so and his tongue was tucked into his cheek, showing a dimple yet his expressions couldn’t convey anything but annoyance.

Your pack's Alpha’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head before he sneered, a gritty smile on his lips as he forced a laugh, “This? Is your mate? Namjoon surely you’re joking. We Alpha’s don’t associate with weaklings like them, they only slow our packs down.” You couldn’t help but lower your head in shame...He was right...you didn’t deserve to have someone like Kim Namjoon, Alpha of the great Blood Moon pack be your mate. You were nothing in compared to the leaps and bounds he had made in the werewolves history.

“Omega’s are what we need to keep our humanity, they’re the softness we need in our pack to remind us that we’re still human. Omega’s are the caretakers of the sick and the hurt, they’re the ones that remind us peace is just as much of an option as war. I couldn’t be more proud to have an Omega as my mate.” Your gaze shot up to the wolfish appearance of Namjoon, his hair had been neatly styled but there were still a few stray hairs that gave him that wolfish look.

You couldn’t help but feel somewhat timid under the hellfire gaze of your pack’s Alpha, but oddly enough, having Namjoon stand beside you made you feel oddly...safe...Warm even, as if it was radiating off his body and you felt the urge to nestle against his side. As if it were meant to be.

Your wariness however stopped you from attempting to do so. You may know who Namjoon is, but you don’t know him personally. Is this just a set up? To get you to act out before you’re cruelly punished. You haven’t said a peep yet and you certainly don’t intend too. Especially with both pack’s present and not a single soul speaking, everyone's eyes wide at the situation that has unraveled so quickly.

“I’m surprised the Jeon’s choose your pack,” He sneered, eyes darkening as he growled, “Any Omega sympathizers are usually outcasts. What makes you think you can take my Omega?” He punctuated the word carefully making your heart squeeze a little.

“What makes you think I can’t take her?” Namjoon suddenly snarled, his voice guttural making you jump, his eyes flashing a dangerous red as he bared his k-nines, “My pack is the strongest for a reason and I’ll make a demonstration of that just as easily. But because my mate is present I’ll make you a deal. And you sure as hell better take it. You let me take my mate, and I’ll leave this pack without a slaughter. No deals are being made and you won’t be allied, but you’ll be alive so there’s that.” Namjoon gave an icy condescending smile making your pack’s Alpha twitch in irritation.

It was silent for a moment before he bared his teeth, your pack’s Alpha hated being made a fool and right now he looked like a whole circus as he snapped, “Go! Take the bitch, we don’t need her anyways.” Namjoon’s eyes cut at his words but he said no more. Waving a hand you squeaked at the sudden appearance of another wolf, Namjoon glancing at him briefly before down at you, “Take her to the camp set up.”

You hadn’t even said a word and just like that, your life had been completely changed. Yet ironically enough, walking with the wolf as everyone's eyes glared down at you, you wouldn’t miss this hell hole for a second.

You were wringing your hands as you paced in the lavished tent, a rug was even thrown down and there was a desk filled with plenty of papers, a foldable cot was set down at the end of the tent. You had never been somewhere so...luxurious before. You were subjected to sleeping on the ground most days and you were considerably lucky if it was closed to the bonfire. But not only was this tent set up close to the fire, there was a bed.

You had never slept in a bed before. Well, a cot. But it was the same thing to you. You just couldn’t stop stressing though. Were you really mated to Kim Namjoon? Was he the one you’d spend the rest of your days with? You felt unsure, you needed to get to know him. To know if this was it.

Werewolves had derived the term Mate, it was the closest you'll ever find to a soulmate. The Moon Goddess, had a mate planned for every wolf, someone who was your perfect match. The one you were meant to spend your life with. You personally, just always assumed you’d die both young and alone. It was hard believing Namjoon….Kim Namjoon, was your mate.

You perked up at the sound of footsteps coming from a few feet away from the tent, they were surprisingly light compared to what you expected. Turning around you were met with the tent flap opening, your lips immediately quivering as your gaze timidly dropped at the sight of Namjoon entering.

You could hear him chuckle softly making you fidget. What were you supposed to say? What were you supposed to do....Okay it was a dumb question, you knew what you were supposed to do. Mates would consummate and mark one another when they meet, mating was a universal thing to all creatures alike. But… you didn’t want to do that with someone you just met…

No matter how much your instincts were going crazy right now with the need to bend over his bed and present yourself in need.

“You look scared,” Namjoon murmured softly, you jumped at his hand cupping your cheek, you hadn’t realized he was right in front of you until now, “Mmm, I won’t hurt you.” His growl was low, almost instinctive at the way his nose nudged against your hair, “I’ve been waiting to find my mate for a very long time. What’s your name?”

His hands tenderly wrapped around your arms, his nose continuously nudging your hair as if drowning himself in your scent. You weren’t sure if his gesture was meant to be comforting, a part of you wanting to lean into his touch but the other had been bruised your whole life from touch. How were you supposed to learn to be okay with it again?

Your body naturally tensed in his grip as you murmured, “Y/n…” You didn’t want to be difficult, you didn’t want your mate to think you were stubborn and unattractive, but...You also didn’t want to give in right away...you weren’t sure you were ready too.

Namjoon nipped against your ear making you jump, a playful smirk on his lips as he replied, “I’ll just assume you already know my name.” He decided to attempt a bolder move, nipping at your neck, this time making you whine. Except it wasn’t the good kind, you attempted to push yourself away as your gaze lowered back down.

Namjoon immediately paused, frowning as he pulled away somewhat to look at you. Your considerably smaller figure timidly glancing at the ground, as if expecting some sort of reprimanding. It was from this moment Namjoon realized this was going to take a bit more time then he had hoped. His hormones and your scent were driving him utterly insane with the need to mount you.

But your comfort was and would always be more important to him, he wanted you to trust him, to be unafraid of giving yourself to him. While Namjoon wished being mates would magically make all this happen, he knew it wouldn’t, “Why don’t you get undressed and lay down. I’m sure you haven’t gotten a good night's rest in awhile.”

Yet he couldn’t resist the urge to stroke a tender hand through your hair, pushing it back away from your eyes so he could properly see your face. Timidly you glanced up at him, nibbling against your lip as they parted before closing for a brief moment before you forced yourself to speak, “B-but...what….what about…” Your face felt hot as you tried to finish your sentence.

“That can wait,” Namjoon replied promptly, offering you a gentle smile, “You’re here now, there shouldn’t be a rush. And you don’t look comfortable. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Your lips trembled slightly, you weren’t sure what it was. Namjoon’s kind smile, those pretty dimples that showed up on his cheeks as he glanced down at you, or if it was his tender touch against your hair, as if he was calming a scared child. You didn’t know what it was but your eyes were watering before you let out a sniffle.

“Hey, shhh! Don’t cry.” Namjoon was immediately cupping your cheeks, a frown on his face at the sight of your tears but before he could ask why you were crying you launched into his arms, wrapping your arms tightly around him as you buried into his warm chest, into the divine scent that rolled off him in waves.

“T-thank you. Thank you so much.” You couldn’t stop thanking him in muffled sniffles, unsure of what you have ever done to deserve such an incredibly compassionate mate. You had never met an Alpha like Namjoon before. Most were cold and intimidating, but he was different. There was a reason he was the strongest.

Rather than lock away his emotions, he weaponized them.

Namjoon wrapped his arms around you soothingly as he pressed a tender kiss against the top of your head, “Shhh, you’re never going back there again. You’re home my little omega.” You had the biggest, most dumb looking smile on your face as you nuzzled into his chest, your cheeks burning at his nickname he had easily provided you. But for the first time in your life, it didn’t sound demeaning, it sounded endearing.

You couldn’t get enough of Namjoon’s touch, it wasn’t even sexual. No matter how much your body thought it’d be better if it was. Just his touch was healing, it made you want more and more of it. You kept nudging him every time he’d take his hand off of you, wanting to be continuously petted.

You might not have consummated with your mate, but you did spend the night tenderly in one another’s embrace, Namjoon showering you in the touch you were starved of your whole life. You never thought you were interested in physical touch until now, you wanted all of it, you wanted his hands petting your side, stroking your hair, his lips peppering your face in kisses.

You felt like a pup again when you fell asleep against his chest. Your life had changed drastically in a single night and yet you didn’t feel overwhelmed in the slightest. This was meant to be, you were sure of it.

“Looks like a storm is brewing.” You jumped at the soft sound of Namjoon’s voice, calm and steady behind you as you turned around from your spot where you had been currently watching the clouds brew and darken. You have been with Blood Moon for a little more then two weeks now. Everything was so...different.

Everyone was kind, they treated you with the utmost respect which you found yourself dumbfound at. You understood to a degree, being mates with the Alpha meant you’d….you’d be the packs Luna. There was no one to guide you on how to be a Luna and perhaps that was what had been secretly daunting you. This wouldn’t be an easy task, what if everyone judged you for making a wrong move?

You wouldn’t become Luna of course, until you were mated to Namjoon, which you hadn’t partook in yet. But it was still lingering in the back of your head. Things between you both had been, formal at best. There was still much physical affection at night...and the occasional rutting- from the both of you before you both stopped your instinctual nature.

“I’ve always loved the rain,” You offered a meek smile, you still had a hard time finding a way to converse with Namjoon in an informal way, he often told you at night he preferred when you spoke freely but...It just all seemed so foreign to you.

Turning back around you let the cool wind blow against your face, lifting your chin a little as you sniffed the fresh air, you could smell the crisp evergreen and the combination of rain on the horizon, “But thunderstorms always scared me as a pup. I have exceptionally good hearing so I didn’t like loud noises back then.”

Much like any other Omega you were considerably weak, but all omega’s had at least one strong sense, and yours just so happened to be hearing. But you often thought it came at a disadvantage, all you ever heard was the laughter of your brothers and sisters who looked down their noses at you.

At least omega’s with speed had a better chance at running and those with good sight could see predators a mile away. Yet all you could do was cover your ears in hopes to drown out the noise of the world.

“And what about now?” Namjoon asked, offering you an endearing smile as he sat down on the fallen tree that you stood behind, taking a moment to admire his beautiful mate. Turning to face him you gave a somewhat sheepish smile, lowering your gaze a little.

It was hard some days to even look Namjoon in the eyes, he still carried the pheromones of an Alpha and it constantly reminded you that you were below him. That if you even so much as annoyed him he could easily snap your neck and there was nothing you could do about it. You felt guilty sometimes, for thinking this way. But it wasn’t as if you could help it, you had spent your whole life getting thrown around by your old pack’s alpha.

“It doesn’t scare me as much anymore as it just hurts at times.The only thing that isn’t completely useless about me is my hearing,” You offered a weak smile as you rubbed the back of your neck, looking back out over the storm ahead, the clouds becoming darker by the second before you watched a crack of lightning strike in the distance, “It’s much more sensitive to noise then most wolves.”

It was true, that was your one exceptionally good ability, you could nearly hear things a mile away, sometimes you picked up on interesting conversations. You had even known Blood Moon was planning to visit your pack long before anyone else found out in the regular ranks. It wasn’t a totally useless ability. But still, good hearing often came with disadvantages like loud noises that always had you whimpering and covering your ears.

“You aren’t useless.” You jumped at the way Namjoon suddenly grabbed your shoulders, turning you around to face him, his expression almost appeared like a scowl, looking somewhat angry as he continued, “You’ve been saying degrading things about yourself ever since you got here. You are my mate,” He let out a soft growl as you lowered your gaze, feeling like a pup being scowled at the moment, “Don’t mistake your softness for weakness. You aren’t useless. I won’t stand for you saying these things about yourself.”

A loud crackle of thunder rumbled making you jolt a little, a low whine emanating from you as you rubbed your ears, “That’s easier said than done. You haven’t lived the life I have.” You tugged away from him a little as you kept your gaze lowered, pretending to not notice the look of mild hurt on his face at your rejection of his comfort, “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

There were moments like this from time to time, moments of disconnect between you both. You couldn’t help but wonder somedays if the Moon Goddess made a mistake, if you were really meant to be with Namjoon. Especially when days like this happened.

“Then help me understand,” You paused as Namjoon wrapped his arms around you from behind, letting his chin rest on your shoulder as he nudged your neck with his nose, “I only want the best for you Y/n.” But did he? You felt unsure of how to go forward with your budding relationship with Namjoon. Could you really open up to him?

“I don’t know how,” You mumbled, feeling somewhat ashamed despite not knowing why. Maybe a part of you wished you did, you wanted to be with Namjoon, you really did. But the only thing stopping you was yourself. Glancing out over the dark clouds you sighed, feeling a droplet of rain splat against your cheek as you rubbed it away, “We should get back to camp to let the others know the storm is beginning. It’s going to be a long night.”

Namjoon looked as if he had more to say but only nodded at your words, stopping for a moment before holding out a hand to you. Glancing down at it you nibbled against your lip before hesitantly letting your fingers lace in his.

He offered you a small dimpled smile, free hand lovingly stroking through your hair before leading you back to where the pack was camped out.

You and a few of the scouts of the pack had searched for somewhere dry to stay before the storm fully hit, thunder kept rumbling from far away and the lightning was getting closer with each strike.

Out of a pure stroke of luck you had found a large cave mass that went deep into the Northern Mountains. The rain had already started pouring down as everyone was being gathered into the mountain, Namjoon was soaking wet as he waved in the crowd of people, his eyes meeting your soaking figure as he paused, “You should go to the fire and get warm. Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold pup.”

He smiled down at your cute figure that glanced up at him, you rubbed your cheek somewhat shyly as you shook your head, you couldn’t afford to lay by a fire when so many others were being drenched in the ice cold rain, “I’m okay. We need to make sure everyone is safe first. I’m going out to check to make sure everyone is together.” Namjoon nodded in agreement, a smile still adorning his face as you pushed through the crowd as you made your way outside.

A loud clap of thunder booming down making you jump with a whine as you covered your ears as you pressed forward through the harsh rain that dropped down like ice against your skin. It was freezing outside! Rubbing your arms you glanced around at the line of people as everyone gathered inside.

You could hear something abnormal but it was difficult to make out what it was between the rain pounding on the ground and the thunder that rumbled loudly, whining you covered your ears, feeling a headache come on as you pushed forward. Your senses were going wild, you could hear something. You knew you could. You just couldn’t figure out what.

A loud clap of thunder roared causing you gasp, covering your ears as pain throbbed in your head, closing your eyes. You tried to tune out the noise but it only became heightened, “Help! Somebody please!”

Your eyes snapped open as rain poured down, trying to relocate the sound before quickly following along the line of the crowd that was becoming shorter and shorter by the moment until you reached a little ways past the end, “Help! Please! Help!” You found an older wolf, a mother by the looks of it drenched in rain, looking frantic as you ran up to her, she grabbed your hands as she cried, “My pups! Please! She fell in the river nearby while we were waiting! My boy can’t keep her much longer!”

You felt your heart burst- you should go get someone you can help! But…! There wasn’t enough time! “Lead the way!” You replied almost immediately. You’d just have to try your best for the sake of the young pup and the mother. She fumbled as she brought you down the steep hill, almost falling but catching yourself as your eyes caught the dimmed vision of a young boy crying out, “Mom! Mom! I can’t hold on any longer!”

Not having the strength to keep up his little sister just as you were in reach of the crying girl his hand slipped, the heavy stream of water coursing causing her to immediately be washed away by the streams current. You could hear both the boy and mother scream before you did the stupidest thing in your life.

Diving into the water coughed as your vision blurred with water and ran mixed, the water was ice cold and caused your teeth to immediately clack as you were rushed along, the little girl calling out with cries as her head bobbed up and down in the water.

“Hold on!” You called out coughing up water as you grabbed onto the log that was lodged in the river that the little girl managed to grab. Grabbing onto it you spat the river water that entered your mouth once more before managing to get closer to the little girl, her arms around your neck and you could hear her pitiful sobs as you held her.

Your body was trembling and the whiplash of rain and the strong current was making your muscles weak as you tried to keep steady against the log, water continuously lashed against your face and rain in your eyes as you slowly but steadily used the log to guide you back to the land. Your muscles were ready to give out, not used to being used so much as you crawled onto the cold muddy ground.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” The mother was the first to run over immediately crying out over the loud rain, grabbing her sobbing daughter as she hugged her close, “We own you so much Luna! Thank you! Oh..! Luna?” You couldn’t muster a word, your body trembling and your vision spotting before everything went dark.

…

Whining a little your head felt fuzzy and your muscles ached with every little movement. It took a moment before you forced your eyes open meeting the dark ceiling above, a few stalagmites hanging above you as brief confusion washed over your figure. Your body trembled a little as you heard a tongue clack, “You should be closer to the fire.”

You groaned a little as you rubbed your head, your vision a little bleared as you rubbed your eyes before glancing up to the familiar voice of Namjoon who had just finished placing a fresh piece of firewood onto the small little fire that wasn’t too far from you, “C’mere my little omega.” He scooped you up effortlessly making you whine.

You didn’t have any energy to objection though as Namjoon sat down, his back against the cave wall and now closer to the fire where your body was trembling as much, “You’re soaked to the bone,” He tutted, letting a hand press against your forehead before sighing, “You should’ve got someone to help you Y/n. You could’ve been killed diving into that water on your own.”

You trembled once more, shifting a little in Namjoon’s grip before nudging your nose against his neck, the overwhelming scent of cedar and firewood relaxing your senses as you buried against your mate, “If I had gone to go get help that girl would’ve died.” You mumbled in weak objection against his neck, closing your eyes tiredly as you felt Namjoon’s hand begin to tenderly stroke through your hair, “Besides, I’m alive still, aren’t I?”

You smiled weakly as you glanced up at Namjoon, he didn’t return the sentiment though, his eyes were a deep mahogany brown, piercing your gaze with his own and the fire reflecting and exaggerated his high cheekbones that much more.

“That doesn’t mean you will be in the future,” He growled, this time in a more stern voice causing your lips to quiver as they dropped, “Take somebody with you next time. I…” He sighed, his expression relaxing once more as he buried into your hair, “I couldn’t live with myself if you died and I just- I just let you. You’re my mate, I’m supposed to take care of you.”

You frowned at his words, feeling somewhat conflicted. You had dreamt your whole life of being taken care of, of wanting someone to care, to comfort and coddle your every step. But...You didn��t have that sentiment growing up, and now actually having it…”But I’m okay. Namjoon,” You pulled away a little, your hair still damp and clinging to your face as you pushed it away, “I can take care of myself. I’ve had too my whole life.”

You lowered your gaze a little as you tugged on a strand of your hair, “I...I know...that I’ve been a bit distant. And that we should already be mated by now. And I know that I haven’t been the easiest to get to know but, I just...I just need time, to get to know you, to become comfortable with the pack...I’ve been on my own for so long, it’s overwhelming in ways that it shouldn’t be.”

You felt insecure about how you felt, truthfully. You should be grateful, you should be happy that you’ve somehow, against all odds, found your mate. That you should let him mate with you and get a move on with your new life. But it was difficult, in ways you felt like it shouldn’t be but it was hard getting used to such friendly smiles, to having your mate tenderly take care of you. Being called Luna, was rather overwhelming.

“Y/n,” Namjoon sighed, his forehead resting on yours as his thumb rubbed against your cheek bone, “I’ve already told you we don’t have to be in a hurry. You can take as much time as you want to get used to the pack and we can take our time getting to know one another. I’ll be just as dedicated to you now as I will when we mate.” he nipped playfully at your neck making a smile tug on your lips, “But I will always be protective of you. That’s my instinctive nature.”

You sighed in understanding, no matter how it made you feel, Namjoon was right. Mates were always protective, Alpha mates in particular, some more so than others. Even if Namjoon didn’t display it as often as others it was still there.

You closed your eyes as you curled up against him, letting his fingers continue to untangle your hair in little strokes, a few pecks against your head here and there, “Have you been told why we’re here at the Northern Mountains?” You perked up a little with a yawn as you glanced up at Namjoon in confusion, a smile on his face as he brushed the hair away from your face, “We’re visiting Arestella, to see the Royal family. The Prince summoned us not long ago”

Your lips parted a little as you tilted your head, “The Jeon Dynasty?” They were considered one of the kindest Dynasties to rule over Arestella for centuries- that was of course if you ignored the current king who outlawed magick and had sentenced the Witch Hunt to begin. But that was nearly fifty years ago now. Otherwise they had a fairly peaceful rule, it wasn’t too big of a surprise to you that their Crowned Prince signed an ally treaty with Namjoon. But still, to actually be here with Namjoon and him saying you’d be going to the Kingdom of Vampires, it was all a bit surreal.

Namjoon’s smile widened as he nodded, “Yes, me and the Prince- Jungkook have some business to attend. Apparently there's been a massive stir in demonic energy. There've been a lot of rumored Demon sightings that’s caused fright among Arestella’s outer villages.”

You frowned as you pressed your lips together, hesitating for a moment as you rubbed the back of your neck, “Demons? Are they really real?” You felt somewhat hesitant to ask. You mind going back to when you last attempted to escape your pack. Those magenta eyes and silver hair, they were almost otherworldly...and the way they just...disappeared into thin air...

Namjoon offered you a weak smile as he shrugged, “I think so, I don’t know about the Prince’s involvement with demon’s but if he believes they’re real then I’d be willing to bet they are. He has ties in all sorts of different affairs. Demonic energy doesn’t always equate demons though, sometimes it’s just been plagued by Witches for a long time.”

You hummed in response. You could see where witches could build demonic energy- not that you necessarily believed all witches were bad. People liked to fear monger and point fingers and be done with it. But things were rarely that simple in life. You still felt bad for all the witches that died during the Witch Hunt, a dark period in time just in the passing of Magicks outlaw.

“I guess we’ll see when we arrive.” You mumbled as you let your head rest in the crook of Namjoon’s neck, his arms wrapping around you as he held you close.

“Soon enough my little omega.” There it was again, that giddy little smile on your face as you sighed in contentment. Life wasn’t all too bad, even in it’s less fine moments.

The journey to Arestella had been peaceful, the weather had become gradually colder with each passing day and soon frost would be covering the ground and nights would become freezing without fire. This however, wasn’t a big deal for wolves as you had been custom to this for some time. When the air was colder the pack would shift and the fur of your animal counterpart kept you warm.

The one thing you were still struggling with was all the respect everyone gave to you. You felt yourself fumbling at times due to how friendly and kind everyone was. At first, you wondered if it was just because you were mates with the Alpha. It wasn’t the first you had seen everyone give special treatment to a Luna.

Your eyes would warily watch over the other Omega’s in the pack who all appeared happy, anytime one was struggling a Beta was practically bouncing over to assist whenever needed. Things seemed so contrary to how you lived your life. Even now in such a spacious tent where the heat of the fire licked in the air where you settled against the small cot in contentment.

Nudging against the pillow as you sighed, Namjoon and Jackson the head Beta had been talking about taking an alternate route to Arestella over the past few days which had lead to him not joining you until later.

Hearing the soft crunch of leaves had your head perking and you could almost feel your inner wolf’s tail thwacking harshly as you curled up, the flap of the tent opening to see Namjoon’s- happy but obviously tired expression, “Happy to see me pup?” He teased lightly as you grabbed the stiff pillow to nudge against it to hide your smile.

You were shameless in watching him pull the billowing shirt over his head to reveal the taunt thick muscles of his back to your view, your legs pressing together as you pulled the fur blanket over your chin, “How was the meeting?” You asked as Namjoon rolled his neck before taking a seat in bed, his hand resting against your head as he softly stroked your hair.

“Good,” He hummed before laying down facing you, a soft smile tugging on his lips as he let his fingers curl around a strand, “We received a pigeon from the Sisterhood today.” You raised your brows a little in curiosity.

The Sisterhood? You had heard of them of course, anyone who hadn’t was obviously living under a rock, or a century old witch perhaps, Namjoon chuckled a little at your expression as his hand met with your cheek once more, “We work in accord with them much like many other packs. We share the land with them and it only makes sense.”

“Well yes,” You replied, it certainly wasn’t unheard of for the Sisterhood and wolves to work together, even your pack had assistance given to them by the Sisterhood from time to time, “But I didn’t realize you were that chummy with one another.” You snorted as you raised a brow.

Namjoon clacked his tongue, his thumb stroking along your cheekbone making you shuffle closer to his warm body, “You know the story of how wolves came to be, yes?”

“...Well...I’ve heard a few different variations.” You replied with a shrug, nearly every wolf knew a tale of how your species came to be but they widely varied. Your now curious as to what this had to do with the Sisterhood’s involvement.

Namjoon gave a knowing smile as he replied, “It’s been passed down between generations of my family that a very long time ago, when the Moon was still young she- for the first time heard a prayer. It was of a young boy who had been attacked by our counterpart, wolves,”

Namjoon tenderly pushed the strand of hair behind you as he spoke, “The young boy was crying and he bled beyond saving. As the life force left his body and he took his last breath beneath the full moon, pitied, the Moon Goddess took mercy on him and blessed him. Her powers only reigned so far, and so she turned him into a wolf. The Moon Goddess told the boy that once his wounds would heal he would be safe to return to human. But now he must bear the dual nature of both animal and human.”

“When the rumors began to fester, the men of the villages nearby wanted to hunt the monster,” Namjoon hummed his fingers tracing down to your jawline, “The boy’s lover however, discovered who he was and pleaded with the men of the village. When they would not listen, the girl was sent a blessing by the Moon Goddess. The Bow of Lux. It became clear to her that if they would not listen to her, she would make them listen,”

Namjoon gave a wry smile as he continued, “When the last man perished, the girl swore her life to the Moon Goddess and would continue to protect those who lived inside the forest and those who lived outside. The Moon Goddess, pleased, allowed her to form the Sisterhood and once she passed on, they say her soul turned to stardust and became Orion’s bow.”

You perked a little as you smiled, “Is that why the women in the Sisterhood are only allowed to be addressed by celestial names to outsiders?” You had never heard that part of the story! It sounded so…! So forlorn yet, meant to be. Divine even. Namjoon chuckled as he patted your head, “Perhaps, that’s one of many theories. Orion is the patron of the Sisterhood, the first to protect. They pray to her for strength before they go into battle. My point however,” Namjoon tutted a little, his eyes crinkling in adoration, “Is that no matter what tale is being told, the wolves and the Sisterhood go hand in hand. We protect and work with one another when needed.”

“Then what did the Sisterhood want?” You whined a little, impatient at Namjoon’s wordiness, he tapped your neck in gentle scold as you wiggled closer to him, his arm finally wrapping around you as he curved a brow.

Clacking his tongue he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against your forehead, “Don’t be pushy pup,” You could hear the playful scold in his tone, “It was sent by one of the independent scouts; Vega. She asked that we keep our eyes out for a witch that lives in the North.”

You frowned as you asked, “A witch? What could she want with a witch?”

Namjoon shrugged, his fingers tracing against your hip as he replied, “I can’t say for sure. All I know is she wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I know requesting Arestella to find a witch would probably get her hanged.”

“Are Vampires really that fickle?” You raised your brows, unable to stop the snort, you had never seen a Vampire before but you had heard about them plenty and how proud they were. You didn’t understand why the reigning king banned Magick as it was, especially when it seemed as if their society relied on it previously.

Namjoon also scoffed out an amused laugh, “You’d be surprised. Nobody follows the rules more than the own royal court. The Mad King makes sure of it. Anyone caught using magick is either hanged or burned. Even the court is not excluded.” You shivered a little at the thought.

“And will you keep an eye out then?” You asked, you supposed since Blood Moon was nomadic like any other pack, Arestella couldn’t hold you accountable for the laws of their lands. But it made you worried.

Namjoon closed his eyes solemnly, “I will, I’d never turn my back on the Sisterhood. Furthermore, the Prince doesn’t know all of my affairs. If it doesn’t concern our relationship then he doesn’t need to know.” He finally pulled you against him as you squeaked a little, your nose immediately nudging against his neck as you coiled against him, “You’ve been awfully curious tonight pup.” He whispered in your ear.

A smile tugged on your lips as you inhaled his scent slowly, you could almost vividly smell the crackle of burnt wood against his skin, the kerosene he had split earlier while helping build a fire, a whine suddenly escaping your lips as you felt heat pooling between your legs. Your face throbbing as you embarrassingly pushed against his neck to hide yourself.

This had been happening a lot, putting off your consummation had taken a toll on your body, constantly making you become aroused when you became too close to your mate for too long. The need to be filled with him was a constant ache, as if sensing that Namjoon let out an instinctive growl, his thigh suddenly forcing its way between your legs as he whispered in your ear once more, “I can smell how wet you are little one.”

Your face throbbed even harder as your hips began rubbing into his thigh in search of friction you needed, desperately. Namjoon and you both had agreed taking things slow was for the best….But that certainly hadn’t stopped him or you from testing the waters a little…

Your arms wrapped around his neck as you whined against, letting your hips drag against his warm thick thigh as your clit pressed gently against his skin, the pleasure nearly sent you pathetically howling against his skin, “This isn’t fair!” You whimpered, your thighs shaking and your panties becoming stickier within seconds.

Namjoon’s laugh was deeper this time, as if amused at how frantic his little omega was, “Then take what you deserve my little pup.” He nipped against your ear as you jumped, his hands grabbing your waist as he rolled unto his back, forcing your to straddle him as your lips quivered into a pout.

Your clit was throbbing though and seeing how inviting his thighs looked was an opportunity you couldn’t pass up, shifting to place yourself against one as you whined a little, unable to stare directly at him as your hips wiggled in need against his thigh. Pleasure swelled in your body and a muffled whine escaped you before you jumped at the sound of leaves crunching.

Namjoon instinctively sat up as you curled against him, not a second later hearing the sound of footsteps as a voice called out, “Namjoon, I need just one more thing.” Jackson called out as you crumpled against your mate.

You felt embarrassed at letting your hormones get the best of you. Namjoon as if sensing this gently stroked a hand through your hair before pressing a kiss against your head, “Don’t look so disappointed, we can always try again later.”

Your lips quivered into a scowl as you pouted, flopping against the bed as Namjoon chuckled before calling out, “I’ll be out in a moment.” It was just as well Jackson had interrupted when he had. Who would’ve known what that would spiral into if you had been left alone.

“You look wide eyed.” Namjoon chuckled as he watched you circle around yourself, lips gaping as you glanced around in curiosity. There were so many sights and sounds it was hard to take it all in at once, “C’mere my pup, I don’t want you getting lost.” He grabbed your hand attentively as he pulled you along.

The journey to Arestella had taken another day and a half but you did eventually arrive and you were in near awe at the sight. You had never been in a Kingdom before, much less the grand jewel of the realm. You could smell the hefty scent of fresh baked loathes from the few humans that dared to reside in the realm of Vampires.

Today was a beautiful day, apparently Arestella wasn’t known to be the sunniest Kingdom but today seemed to be different, the sky was a brilliant azure blue with fluffy billowing clouds to compliment it’s sky and the breeze was cool against the day’s warm air, “I’ve never been somewhere so...crowded.” You managed to say as you squeezed past a group of people, staying particularly close to Namjoon as you glanced around wide eyed.

“There’s much excitement to see,” Namjoon chuckled, “If you think this is incredible, wait until we see the castle. That’s where we’ll be staying the next few days. Jackson will keep everyone settled in the outskirts of town meanwhile.”

You couldn’t deny you were excited, you could see the gothic castle even from here despite it being so far away. The day was busy and everyone was bustling but if there was one thing you noticed...It was a lack of color...or thereof…What color there was seemed very organized, as if these people were all in groups. And then occasionally you’d spot a bright pop of red of some of the people you passed, “Why is everyone dressed so...dark…” You frowned as you kept close to your mate.

“They have a very strict system here in Arestella, they use colors to keep classes separated. It’s mostly in jewelry you’ll see it. Humans must wear red in some form as it’s stated by law if they live in Arestella. Blue is often a color worn by wealthy families, a multiple array of colors can be worn by the average vampire. I’m not very familiar with how it all works though. Vampires have their own class system like us wolves have though.” Namjoon explained as he guided you through the crowd as you curiously looked around.

You felt a smile tug on your lips as you glanced around, excitedly spotting another patch of red on a young girls neck, she appeared around your age and she- unlike you- seemed used to the large crowds of people, yet oddly enough despite being surrounded by vampires she didn’t look the least scared, “How can humans live here despite knowing a vampires nature? I think we don’t give them enough credit sometimes.” You commented as you let your eyes focus ahead.

“Most likely because humans here use sigils to keep them protected from feral vampires,” Namjoon snorted, looking somewhat amused at how fascinated you seemed by this strange new world, “They live quite peacefully. Vampires are a bit proud though, they don’t like admitting that they do need humans to survive. No matter how much they can argue that they can feast on turned vampires, they still need humans for that to happen.”

You hummed in curiosity before laughing a little, noticing the mild annoyance in Namjoon’s tone as he glanced ahead, a hint of smile on his face when he heard you as you both walked hand in hand. Eventually you did make it up to the castle together.

You had never seen anything like it, the way the dark brick walls towered high above your head and the wings of the castle stood large and proud. Even though the courtyard was filled with lush flowers and benches for rest, it looked like something straight out of a fairytale. You didn’t understand how guards and maids could walk by without so much as a glance at the beautiful scenery.

Namjoon tugged you along as your lips parted, the castle doors opening upon your arrival and you were greeted by a smiling maid that curtsied to you both immediately guiding you up several flights of stairs, the corridors were long but you couldn’t help but focus on the beautiful marble flooring.

The way the original white swirled with black and greys and speckled gold with even some peacock blue highlighting. Or the doors and the Jeon’s symbol painted in silver on each door, or the way the handles reflected their polished shine against the light that flooded in rays of gold through the windows.

You had never been somewhere so refined. All you had ever known was the wild untamed beauty of nature, mountains and thickets of evergreen and streams that clashed with marshes. Sleeping out in the woods were galaxies formed in the sky, where you could even see speckles of stardust in the sky. You didn’t realize two things could be so different, yet so beautiful in their own way.

“Here you are Sir Kim! His royal Highness will be with you in a moment!” She curtsied once more before shutting the doors of the room. The room was spacious and wide, it appeared to be...an office of some sort? Your brows furrowed a little as you walked in, the fireplace was not lit up but there were four chairs, two on either side of a rug that was placed in front of it.

Then there was the desk on the far end of the room next to a large window that overlooked the woods near the castle.

On the other end of the room was an assortment of trinkets of...personal achievements maybe? You perked at the sound of footsteps padding down the hallway gently, “There’s something wrong…!” Your brows furrowed and your head tilted like a puppy at the sound of a soft feminine voice, they must’ve been at the far end of the hallway, walking closer to the door you tried to listen better.

“Shh, worry not my love. I’ll deal with it. Right now you should be attending your lessons. I promise nothing will happen.” The other voice was deep yet soft, alluring in dulcet quiet manner, yet seemed attentive and in demand for everyone's attention, “I’ll discuss everything with Blood Moon’s leader.”

You could hear a faint sigh, “Please Jungkook...I...I don’t know what I’d do if this turns out to be true.” You felt your face immediately burn in embarrassment.

You just eavesdropped on the Vampiric Prince’s private conversation with his mate!

You whirled away from the door as you fumbled to sit down next to Namjoon who looked at you curiously, “Heard something you shouldn’t have?” You scowled at his teasing words as you crossed your arms. Namjoon had been scolding you recently on your nosey habit of using your one good ability to your advantage far too often.

The door opened quietly as your gaze immediately followed the noise. You were met with a tall man, who just like everyone else in Arestella was undoubtedly beautiful, but even then. Prince Jungkook seemed unnaturally beautiful, his dark raven hair contrasting heavily against his glossed pristine pale skin, his hair hung low on his face and one side tucked behind his ear giving him an oddly regal look.

A smile graced his lips as he bowed while you and Namjoon stood up, “It’s good to see you again Namjoon,” His voice, confirmed the same dulcet tone you heard in the hallway before his eyes turned to look at you, they were a deep burgundy red not at all the bright red that Namjoon’s eyes usually glowed, “You must be his new mate. You have my congratulations.”

You gave an awkward smile, feeling your face heat up at someone so beautiful staring directly into your soul as you fumbled with your fingers, a noise escaping you that made you all the more embarrassed as you hid somewhat behind your mate, “She’s a little shy,” Namjoon smiled endearingly down at you, a hand affectionately combing through your hair as you glared with a pout at the ground, “This is Y/n, my mate. You may call her Luna. She’s just here to observe today in case she needs to come in my place in the future.”

Jungkook nodded before taking a seat across from you both as you sat down once more, “Then let’s start. We’ve been getting a heavy influx of demonic energy on the south side of Incúrsio. I’m aware you’ve had some tension with them in the past but it’s different this time. Despite the Ceremony’s passing they’re experiencing mass hysteria saying it’s the end of the world. After doing a little bit of poking…” Jungkook sighed, shutting his eyes as you sensed a vague annoyance fill him, “I found out there’s a reason why.”

Namjoon tilted his head in observation, you had never seen his expression so quizzical before but then again you had never seen Namjoon in such an important meeting, “And that is?”

“A...friend,” Jungkook offered a weak smile, “Has told me there’s been a bit of, descent in the underworld if you will...One of the Prince’s of Hell, in his words was: ‘Throwing a tantrum’ and to ‘not worry about it’,” Jungkook looked semi exasperated as you furrowed your brows, “But despite his words we’ve been getting reported demon sightings and if a portal to Hell has been weakened for any demon strong enough to push through the traversing barrier we’re going to have a problem. He said he’d take care of it but...I have some doubt.” Jungkook sighed.

Namjoon frowned as he rested his chin against his head, “So what do you want Blood Moon to do about it?”

“I want you to keep an eye out of any demonic energy, I know you’re a nomadic group and you travel all over the realm...Said friend, assumes it’s only the portal in Incúrsio but...Given the reports I’ve received from other royal officials in other Kingdoms, it doesn’t seem like it. And please, ignore the people of Incuriso should you go back to your homestead meanwhile. They’re unwell right now and cannot think straight.” Jungkook answered, his gaze looking out the window into the wilderness were the tree’s swaying with the wind delicately.

“We’ll do what we can, but if Incúrsio tries to attack my people. I can’t make any promises Jungkook.” Namjoon hummed as he leaned back in his seat, “But I will do what I can to defuse the situation should it arise. Is that all?”

“For now,” Jungkook replied, fixing the cuff of his sleeve before glancing back up, “But you’re staying the next few days for a reason. Please make yourselves comfortable in the palace. I expect to see you both at dinner.” You nodded as you and Namjoon stood up making your way for the door, “Luna,”

You paused at the deep voice of Jungkook as he called out, “A word please?” You glanced at Namjoon as you frowned, he gave a small smile encouragingly, stroking your hair once before exiting the room, closing the door behind him as you timidly turned around. Something about the Vampiric Prince put you on guard, though you were positive it was simply due to just how intimidatingly attractive him and his kin were.

You got an oddly seductive, yet dangerous energy from any vampire you had came into contact with since arriving to Arestella, Jungkook wasn��t an exception, “Please, don’t look so timid,” Jungkook offered a gentle smile as he folded his hands as if to appear non threatening, “I just wanted to speak to you for a moment. Much like my own mate, everyone has been awaiting Namjoon to find his other half. I wish you the best of luck on becoming Blood Moon’s Luna.”

He stood up, elegantly walking up to you, eyes dark like pools of the blood yet there was nothing dangerous or malicious about them, “If you’re ever in need of a place to stay Arestella’s doors will always be open to you. My kingdom would be happy to serve Blood Moon’s Luna in any need or situation. I hope you enjoy your stay here.”

Tugging on a strand of your hair you managed a tiny smile as you glanced up at him, “Thank you, it’s appreciated.”

To that Jungkook offered a dazzling smile that showed off the sharp teeth of his fangs, his smile could put nearly anyone to shame as he chuckled, walking to his desk as he hummed, “You should meet my mate while you’re here. I feel like you’d both get along rather well. And she’s often lonely these days. The court,” You could see the dismay in Jungkook’s eyes as he stood in front of the large window by his desk, “They aren’t accepting of commoners like her. She doesn’t like to worry me but I can tell she struggles by herself when I’m unable to keep her company. She could use a friend to confide in.”

You swallowed thickly as you managed a smile, nodding, “Of course! I’ll make sure to introduce myself if I get a chance.” It felt like an incredible honor to have the crowned Prince of Arestella ask if you could keep his mate company but you’d try your best.

You just didn’t know who she was outside of the news you had heard. Despite being in isolation word eventually made its way to your pack that the Vampiric Prince had found his mate, but not only his mate, but a commoner at that.

Many in your pack sneered at that and often laughed, someone of low ranking suddenly becoming the mate of someone powerful? Unheard of.

You felt a vague sense of empathy, you were in the same position as the Princess at one time. Except your new pack were very accepting of you...You supposed the same could not be said for the future Princess of Arestella, you couldn’t imagine how snide the Court must’ve truly been.

“I’ll see you later then.” Jungkook offered you one last small smile before you left his office, closing the door gently before you noticed Namjoon waiting down the hallway, his eyes set on the artwork that displayed on the walls.

“Finished?” Namjoon hummed as he glanced over to you, a hand falling to your head to pat it as you pouted a little as you nodded, “Then come along, they prepared lunch for us. What did Jungkook want to talk to you about?”

You tilted your head, his tone rather strange. It sounded as if he was trying to come off relaxed but there was a tense note in his delivery. But then it struck you, most werewolves were naturally jealous of their mate associating with the opposite sex, alpha’s no doubt.

You felt a teasing smile tug on your lips as you snickered, “Nothing, he just wanted to ask if I could speak to his mate, to become friends with her. Despite having similar class systems, it seems the court is rather….Icy about her becoming one of them.”

“That’s not too big of a surprise,” Namjoon wrapped an arm around you, keeping you snug against him as he continued, “Royal court is always filled with people who look down their noses at one another. Civilization is an odd sort but they make it work. I’m sure his mate does feel lonely. I’d hate to be a commoner entering the court. Many are wolves disguised as sheep.”

You tilted your head in thought, that was often an analogy humans used to describe people who pretended to be innocent when they were truly guilty. You supposed you could see what he meant by his words despite feeling as though wolves really weren’t all that bad, “It’s just odd. I can’t imagine being in that position.”

“Well the good news is that you aren’t.” Namjoon pressed a kiss against the top of your head making you smile as you wrapped your arms around his waist, nudging his arm a little, a silent ask for affection, “And we don’t have to deal with any kind of courts fickle business.”

Namjoon immediately complied, his hands stroking your sides as you paused in your spot, preening at his pet against your skin and the way his lips peppered against your cheeks, “You look like a little pup my omega.” He whispered, a small smirk on his face as he nipped the tip of your nose, “Always whining and begging for affection, always greedy for more.”

You stretched your neck a little at the feeling of his nose rubbing against your neck, a surprised whine escaping you at the feeling of his scent gland suddenly knocking against you, “You smell like vampire.” Namjoon growled against your ear, a whine escaping you as you tugged on his loose button up shirt, “When you should smell like me instead.”

He nipped your ear in warning to be quiet as he rubbed his scent gland along your neck. It was in your nature to be obedient, standing completely still as you allowed Namjoon to continue to scent you. Often a gesture done right before mating or simply a display of dominance.

“Are you wet little omega?” Namjoon growled in your ear quietly making a pathetic whimper escape you, your thighs squeezing together as you lowered your gaze in embarrassment. Of course he could smell your heady scent, “Do you like being reminded of who you belong to?”

His voice was deep and murmured in your ear causing you to tug on his shirt as he rubbed his scent gland one last time on your neck, “Come on, let’s get lunch. I’m sure you’re starving.” Your lips parted in almost offense at the way Namjoon suddenly pulled away, obviously satisfied with his work as you now were drenched in his scent and panties dripping wet.

“What?” Namjoon tilted his head innocently but you could see that evil glint in his eyes that enjoyed watching you squirm as you glared at him, pulling away from him with a pout as you crossed your arms, “Don’t act like you don’t enjoy it.” Namjoon lovingly stroked your hair as he kept his arm loose around you as you began walking once more.

This man was going to be the absolute death of you.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” The flecks of concern were apparent in Namjoon’s eyes as he frowned, sitting up in bed as he was preparing to attend another meeting with the Prince and his order of knights. His hand gently resting on your head, thumb soothingly swiping over your warm skin as you nodded, yawning a little as you tried curling closer to his body.

You looked rather pitiful truthfully, stretching your arms out to him as a verbal whine escaped you, wanting his affection once more as he smiled endearingly, “Sorry little omega,” Namjoon cooed as he brushed your hair from your eyes, “I have to attend this meeting. I’ll come back once it’s finished and then we can stay in bed for as long as you’d like.”

Your body trembled a little, a bead of sweat beginning to trickle down your forehead as you whined again, “Do you really have to go?” You mumbled, your head laying in his lap as his fingers tenderly stroked through your hair lovingly. You weren’t sure what it was but you had woken up in the middle of the night feeling hot and you had since been clinging to Namjoon. All you did know was you felt much needier than normal for affection.

You didn’t want your mate to leave.

“It sounds pretty important,” Namjoon leaned down to press a kiss on your forehead before frowning, “You’re burning up. I knew that cold rain was going to catch up to you.” He sighed with a tut as you offered a weak smile, letting your arms wrap around his waist as he shifted in his seat, “I’ll send a maid to make sure you’re taken care of while I’m gone. Now c’mon on little omega, I need to go before I’m late.”

You let out a louder whine, the innate need for your alpha to be by your side running through your veins as you curled against him. You could feel sweat dripping down your collar bones as you nudged your nose against his stomach.

Namjoon looked a little guilty as he pried your hands off him, tears welling in your eyes as you whined again curling up in bed as your body trembled once more, “Shhh, I’ll be back sweetheart. Hopefully your fever will have gone down a little by the time I do.”

Namjoon let go of your figure as you weakly cried out, collapsing against your pillow as you whimpered unable to speak at the way your wolf was crying out in desperation for your mate to not leave you. The door closed gently as your body continuously began to tremble and with shaky hands you tied up your hair as you began shedding your clothes.

You were so hot. Another whine escaped you as you laid down back in bed, a violent tremor sounding through your body and your muscles were beginning to lock and clench as you groaned. A few minutes later a knock gently sounded at the door before a maid appeared inside.

She gave you a sympathetic smile, “The Alpha told me what was going on, I have some cool rags to help with the fever miss, we’ve sent a maid to get you a tonic to help cool you off.” She explained gently as she kneeled down, bless her heart as she gently placed the cool cloth over your forehead as you tried to suppress the whine from your lips.

Your wolf was just about as pathetic as you right now, howling and crying at her mate leaving her. The rag was quickly to dry up as the maid gently patted your collarbones down as she frowned, “You feel much hotter than most with a fever, are you sure you don’t have any other ailments?”

Your lips trembled for a moment as you thought about it. Abruptly you stiffened as your thighs clenched together, the sticky feeling of arousal making another whimper force its way out of your lips, “I’-I’m okay! It’s um….It’s just a...wolf thing…” You forced a smile as you clenched your thighs together, the maid frowned not understanding your words before she sighed, “Very well, but don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” You nodded rapidly, trying to ignore the itch to let your hands furiously get to work.

You groaned as the door shut, trying to squeeze your thighs shut as if it would make it any better. Most humans and vampires alike may have derived the word Mate from werewolves but...your nature was still a mystery to them. Your long delayed heat included.

Your body had been in survival mode for so long that your heat hadn’t come in a long time, you never expected for it to come so early. No wonder you had felt so needy for your mates attention.

A whine escaped you once more as you flopped on your stomach, burying into the mattress before your hips immediately began rubbing into the bed in desperate need of friction, heat was suffocating you and pain was beginning to well in your lower body.

Omegas were truly the worst off with monthly heats whereas Beta’s only experienced them every three months and once every six months for Alpha’s. Over all being an omega truly was miserable. You had forgotten all about your heat after your body kicked into survival mode causing you to miss.

It made sense for it’s return though, you had met your mate, you not only were safe but you were taken care of and pampered. Your heat suddenly showering up was like your body telling you it was time to get pregnant. Your thighs began trembling at the idea of your mate, your alpha mounting you and filling you with his big knot.

You buried your face into the pillow as you whined, it didn’t matter how pathetically you humped the bed it wasn’t a replacement for what you craved. What your body needed and why arousal was seeping from your tiny hole and walls that squeezed around nothing at the idea of your alpha’s cock filling you up to breed you.

Just the idea of Namjoon’s scent was making you nearly delirious as your hips desperately rocked into the mattress once more, the strength of your heat intensifying with each moment before all you could do was tremble and whine against the bed, desperately looking for anything to help the pain. The mattress, the pillows, your fingers, anything.

Two hours.

That was how long Namjoon’s meeting took. Two hours before your ears perked up at the sound of the familiar footsteps, your wolf's tail was practically flying back and forth and crying out in need. Another wave of heat filtered through your body making sweat drip down your neck as you shakily sat up. The door quietly opened as Namjoon walked in, locking it behind him before he turned to face you.

His expression turned to sympathy that had you whining and whimpering, too weak to stand up but if you could you’d already be climbing up his tall figure, “Oh my little omega,” His voice was deeper than usual, a growl vibrating in his chest causing arousal to slide down your thighs as he slowly approached, “I could smell you all the way from the staircase.”

Your thighs felt weak at the way he stood in front of the bed looking down at you dauntingly as you fumbled against the bed, “Alpha,” You whined, lowering your gaze subserviently as you stumbled against the sheets, getting on all fours before presenting yourself for him your thighs shaky and pain coursing through you as you whimpered, “Please. Alpha it hurts.”

“Does it hurt omega?” Namjoon’s voice was growled and dominance seeped in his tone as you flinched at the feeling of his hand resting on the swell of your ass, “Do you need your alpha to stuff you full of his knot?” You jump with a cry at his hand slamming against your ass with a sting, tears pricking at your eyes as your hips impatiently backed against him.

A snarled growl left his lips as your cunt was met with the thick length of his cock hardened in his pants before his hands roughly grabbed your hips, “Be patient little omega,” His hands gripped your hips harshly and the smell of his scent wafting through the room was making you light headed as another drop of arousal seeped from your needy cunt, “Do you need your alpha to fill you? Do you need my pups little one? Do you need to be bred like a good little bitch?”

It was taking every ounce of energy to not needily drag yourself against his hips as you cried out with a frustrated whine, “Please alpha! Please! I’ll be a good mommy! I’ll take care of our pups! Please.” You needed to be filled with his cum.

Namjoon was filled with both arousal and his primal instincts running wild at the sight of you so subservient and pliable in his hands, your smell was thick and heady in the air causing a growl to escape his lips again, “Oh will you?” Namjoon growled softly, his cock throbbing his pants as his hands stroked against your soft ass, his hand dragging down before cupping you’re wet cunt as you whined.

Your toes curled as your hips began to frantically grind against his fingers, “Ah-ah! Alpha...!” Namjoon tutted, gripping your hips with his free hand as you whimpered against the sheets, your eyes filling with tears at the way your body burned and yet your mate was still teasing you, “You need to be patient little one.” Namjoon growled with a tease in his tone, his long slim fingers dragging against your wet folds as you whined, your back arching once more to try and coax him to give you what you wanted.

Instead his fingers only dragged down to meet your tender swollen clit, a cry escaping your lips as your walls clenched around nothing but air, “You’re so wet my little omega, do you need your alpha’s cock inside you,” Namjoon moaned his fingers circling and pressing against your sensitive sensitive bud as his eyes became lidded with desire watching the way you pitifully jolted and jerked to stay still for him.

Your muscles tensed before your hips began rubbing against his fingers, “What did I say?” Namjoon let out a low growl making you whine once more. His hand was not so light anymore as he struck your ass making you whimper before obediently stilling for him once more to do whatever he pleased.

His fingers dragged up your folds before you squeaked against the mattress as his finger pushing slowly into you, a second finger slid in with just as much ease due to your excessive arousal as you whimpered, “Alpha! Please! I need it! I need it please!” You begged with a sob as his fingers began jamming against your g-spot, your walls squeezing around him impossibly tight as your lips parted and your eyes snapped shut. This wasn’t at all a replacement for what you needed but it still felt amazing. You just needed more.

“You’re squeezing around me so tight little omega,” Namjoon cooed mockingly, you could practically hear the smirk on his face as his fingers began giving little thrusts as you felt drool dribbling against your chin, “How much do you need my cock bitch?” He growled, grabbing your hair as he yanked it, a gurgled cry escaped you as he pushed his fingers inside you once more.

Your hips unable to stay still anymore immediately began fucking yourself against him as you moaned and whined, his finger pads dragging along that little spongy spot as you gurgled, “Please! Alpha!” You could hardy formulate words as tears dropped down your face pleasure was twisting in your body yet it still wasn’t enough.

Namjoon let go of your hair to dive between your legs, his fingers dragging along your clit making you nearly cry out at the way your walls clenched around his fingers and the orgasm flooding through you. Your lips were parted and frantic cries escapes you as you rutted messily against his fingers, “Alpha!” Your cries were pathetic as the burning in your body only strengthened at the realization there wasn’t a knot filling your cunt.

Namjoon clacked his tongue at the sound of your pitiful sobs, your walls unbearably tight around his fingers and your hips attempted to back against him as he pulled them out of you, “My pretty omega,” He cooed softly, “Are you gonna be a good girl and let me fill your little cunt with my pups?”

His hands stroked against your sides as your legs violently shook while frantically nodding, “I’ll be a good mommy! Alpha please! Please! Need your knot! Please!” Your back arched harshly as you presented your cunt for him, desperately hoping he’d give you what your body was crying for.

Your head was becoming foggy and the need for something, anything to fill you with a knot became your number one need. Namjoon as if sensing you couldn’t take anymore teasing began to undone the knot of his pants, “You’ll be a good little bitch and carry my pups? You’ll let your alpha breed you like a good girl.” Namjoon let out a soft moan, his eyes closing as his cock sprung free, bobbing in the air in search for your cunt as his hands dragged against your waist, roughly petting down your sides as you whined at his praise.

Your body tensed and swelled with excitement as you squeezed your eyes shut at the feeling of his thick bulbous tip dragging along your wet slit as another deep growl left him, “Be a good girl and stay still.” You were whining against the sheets as his bulbous tip pushed inside you, the pain hardly even there as your heat had caused you to become dripping. Unlike humans you were made to be pounded into.

“Alpha! Alpha please!” You whined, your eyes shut tightly as you strangled a mewl while keeping your body obediently still. You could hear a low growled moan from Namjoon as he pushed his cock further inside you, your cunt eagerly letting him slide in further.

“Mmm so tight,” He leaned down as he growled against your ear making you squeak as your walls tightened around him, “My little omega likes presenting her cunt doesn’t she? Does she like to be fucked hard and knotted?” You didn’t get the chance to answer before Namjoon’s hips were slamming into you, his cock fixing the ache of your cunt as you moaned embarrassingly loud as your face pressed against the mattress.

Pleasure was immediate as you cried out, moans escaping you as your walls needily clenched around his cock, “Alpha!” You whined before squealing against the mattress at the feeling of his long fingers pressing into your tender swollen clit. You whimpered as pleasure welled hotly inside you, your body needy for him after denying your consummation for so long. Your body was being lurched with every powerful thrust of Namjoon as he growled, “That’s it omega, milk your Alpha’s cock, mmm that’s it. You want your alpha’s knot don’t you?”

“Yes please! Please! I’ll be a good girl.” You whined not having the energy to do anything but stay obediently in place as his massive cock continued splitting your cunt with every thrust, just feeling his thick length was causing your head to spin and your pleasure spiking as you mewled, “Alpha y-your so big…! Alpha please.”

Your hips kept trying to buck into him causing a low snarl to escape him, Namjoon sounded nearly primal compared to his gentle level headed manners, hand large hands tightly gripping your hips and forcing them still as you whined in impatience your body craved his knot badly but you had heard Alpha’s don’t knot as quick as Beta’s.

“Be patience bitch.” Namjoon growled, his hands would certainly leave bruises later as his hips slammed into you to sate your needy cunt, he growled in pleasure at feeling your tiny walls trap his throbbing cock, “Gonna have my pups, fill your cunt up until your tummy is filled with my pups.” You whined as your body jolted, walls clenching harshly at his cock roughly sliding in and out of you, your heat craving his knot as your thighs trembled in anticipation.

“Please alpha! Please! I’ll be a good mommy.” You whined and whimpered, your back aching from it’s uncomfortable arch but your ass perking, wanting the perfect angle for his knot. Namjoon’s fingers roughly rubbed into your clit only making your walls that much tighter as his hips snapped harshly into yours, his chest pressing into your back as he growled into your ear, “That’s right little omega you’re going to have my pups. Mine.”

Your thighs were beginning to tremble at the feeling of his base swelling, “You’re going to be an obedient bitch and take my knot.” He snapped, his hand tangling into your hair to yank it only to shove your face into the soft mattress as his hips rammed into you at an unnatural speed.

Your moans and cries were muffled as your walls began to rapidly convulse, the feeling of his thick fat cock ramming into your tiny walls, his fingers rubbing roughly into your clit. His rough manhandling. You were like a howling pup when your orgasm snapped in your body, whines and whimpers escaping you as Namjoon growled, his scent was overwhelming and he leaned down snapping his hips as he continued rutting into you, his fangs dragging over your neck before he sunk them deep into your neck.

A loud whimper escaped you, your cunt clenching around him harder as all of your sense overwhelmed you, you couldn’t smell anything but firewood and cedar, his cock only making your orgasm that much better as he dragged it past your g-spot with each stroke as he marked you.

The base of his cock was swelling rapidly and dominant pheromones were rolling off his body as he growled and snapped at your obedience, still riding the high of your orgasm as your body was jolted and tossled by his hips which were roughly smacking against yours before you heard a choked moan escape him. Letting his cock fully rest in you as you muffled a whine against the mattress.

Tears stung your eyes at the feeling of his knot, it was massive and plugged up your small hole as you felt the first burst of hot cum stream from his cock, nobody ever told you that your hormones were running so crazy that you’d cum just from him cumming. But here you were letting out the most embarrassing cries and squeals in pleasure and it was like your orgasm was tenfold at being filled up by your Alpha.

Spit was dripping into the bed as you let out the lewdest moans, your hips grinding against his cock that was completely stuck inside you, a snappy growl escaped Namjoon as he released your neck from his mouth, his cock hyper sensitive yet your needy grinding earned the second spurt of cum from his knot , “Stop that you needy little bitch.” Namjoon snarled in command, your walls split open by his massive cock yet they were still so tight around him. His cum was like euphoria for you. Making your head spin and your body nearly black out in pleasure as your hips kept trying to grind against him for more.

Namjoon snapped again as he grabbed your hips making you cry out with a whine, walls needily clenching around around him earning a third load of his seed as you moaned pathetically, your knees trembling but your body was begging for more. Taking pity on your trembling desperate figure Namjoon let his fingers return to your clit nearly making you scream as you whine against the sheets, “That’s right little omega.” Namjoon purred against your ear, “Let them all know who you belong to.”

You were trying your best to be still, you really were. Tears pricked at your eyes as he let his fingers circle over your swollen bud, your walls harshly clenching around him earning a low growl, “Keep milking my cock baby. You’re gonna be such a good mommy.” Namjoon nipped against your ear as you whimpered. You were in absolute bliss, being stuffed full of his knot, his fingers playing with your clit while filling you with his seed.

Your inner wolf was howling in ecstasy. The pleasure was so much you weren’t sure when it happened but your vision began to spot before darkening altogether.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better Luna.” Your cheeks burned at the Prince’s well meaning comment as you gave a timid smile, trying not to think about just why you had gotten ‘sick’ according to the rest of the court. Namjoon’s nose nudging against your neck as you curled into your seat. Your heat would have been unbearable had it not been for your mate, but Namjoon had taken care of you the whole week and…

You couldn’t say for sure but you had a feeling it wouldn’t be long before a pregnancy was announced. You couldn’t say for sure, omega’s weren't easy to impregnate but, surely after being knotted for a week straight by an Alpha...Just the idea of little pups running around had you nearly bouncing in your seat, “Oh, thank you Your Highness, I’m feeling much better.” You nudged back against Namjoon, eliciting a small growl in your ear from him as he straightened up a little.

A large hand stroked against your hair as Namjoon spoke up, “Thank you for letting us stay, we’ll be heading out later this evening to unite with the pack, I’m sure they’re all ready to begin our journey back to our territory.”

Jungkook offered an easy smile as he nodded, long locks of raven hair shielding his eyes briefly with the movement as he replied, “I’m sure, wolves have always had the tendency to be nomadic in nature. I just have one request for you.” Namjoon raised his brows in curiosity as the Prince looked to his mate, a gentle encouraging smile on his lips as if trying to coax her to speak.

She withered a little, looking away in reservation as she mumbled, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jungkook’s hand squeezed against hers in confirmation as she took a breath in resignation before glancing between you both, “I’m...looking for someone...A powerful witch, they say she lives north, I don’t expect you to look for her, but if you were to stumble across one such as herself, please send her to me, directly.”

You tilted your head in confusion before you glanced at Namjoon, witch of the north...? Was this the same witch the scout from the Sisterhood was looking for? You could see the a mixture of desperation and resignation in the Princess’s eyes as she glanced back at the table, her hands folded as Jungkook tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear with soft eyes, “Pardon my words but,” Everyone’s attention was on you as you tilted your head, didn’t Namjoon say the royal court enforced these rules more then anyone? “Isn’t witchcraft punishable by death…?”

A tense air took over the table and it seemed your words were confirmed, while you didn’t live in any kingdom, you had known just as well as anyone else witchcraft was against nearly every kingdom's law. Jungkook bowed his head, as if in understanding of your confusion, “It is, which is why we ask you to keep this between the both of you. We’re looking for someone dear to my mate, but the only way we can possibly find closure is through magick. Please don’t go out of your way or put yourselves in danger for this.”

Namjoon nodded in understanding though keeping what he had previously talked to you about a secret, “Of course, we’ll keep a lookout if we come across anyone with that sort of power.”

“Thank you.” The Princess offered a small smile before letting her gaze drop back to her plate, the conversation between the Prince and Namjoon picking up once more with any last minute details of what to look out for.

After your private dinner with the crowned Prince and future Princess you had made your way out of the palace. While you would miss the plush beds and elaborate meals you wouldn’t lie in saying you were glad to be out of the bustling city and into the open air where your new pack greeted you with open arms.

Taking a long sniff of the fresh air you curled up against Namjoon where the big bonfire was, everyone conversed and celebrated another fruitful picking to eat well. Namjoon’s arms wrapped around you as he nudged against your neck, a smile on his lips as he hummed, “Should we tell the pack?”

You felt a smile tug on your lips as you looked up at the man who had become your whole life, shaking your head as you let out a breathy laugh, “No, I’d rather not tell them until we know for sure.”

Pressing a kiss into your neck Namjoon flirted, “We’ll give it two weeks.” You rolled your eyes with a smile as you leaned against him, his hands tenderly stroking your stomach as you closed your eyes. You couldn’t wait to begin the journey to a new land once again and experience everything with your mate in hand.

#bts #bts au #namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon x reader smut #namjoon x y/n #namjoon smut #bts smut #bts fanfic #alpha!namjoon #werewolf!bts

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wildernessuntothemselves · 3 years

Text

Gotta See Blood

Genre: Smut, angst

Word Count: 1.3k

Warnings: vamp!lix, mentions of murder, blood.

gif credit @915archive

He comes across you late at night in the forest, far away from your village, alone but clearly not scared. You’re screaming at the night sky, foolishly trying to summon an ancient power that you have no business messing with. It intrigues him though, and he makes his presence known to you. If only so he can entertain himself with the silly human girl who thinks that she could even stand in the devil’s presence without her skin getting seared off her bones.

“Be careful who you call for, girl, or he might just answer.” A deep, alluring voice speaks up and you whip around to face its source, coming face to face with a silver-haired human-like creature.

You stare at him with both fear and confusion. You didn’t think the devil would look this...ethereal.

“Are you the devil?” You venture uncertainly and he laughs a low, hoarse laugh. “No, darling, you wouldn’t be alive right now if I was.”

Quickly, your moods flips, your short-lived fear replaced by the all consuming anger once again at having this creature waste your precious time. “Then what do you want then? Fuck off.” You spit out and go back to trying to summon the devil.

In a second he’s behind you, a hand clasped over your mouth while his other arm loops around your body to stop you from waving your hands around in an abysmally incorrect incantation. You struggle against his hold but seize your movements entirely as soon as he presses his fangs to your neck.

“There. Are you going to listen now?” He whispers, dazed as the smell of you hits him. Damn, you smelled good. Maybe he should sink his teeth in you and forget about whatever foolish attempt you were making.

But then you bite his hand. You bite him, and he’s so shocked he actually lets you go.

“Fuck off, you filthy blood sucker. I refuse to die by your hands so go find some poor, frightened woman to suck dry. I have things to do.”

He stares at you in bewildered awe, infinitely amused by you. “You are trying to summon the devil. You, a mere mortal. It would be a waste to have him burn you alive before I get to have a taste, don’t you think? If you are going to get yourself killed anyway, why not let me do it? I can make it feel good.”

You sneer at him in contempt, refusing to be discouraged by his fear mongering attempts. “I’m not going to get myself killed. I’m going to kill them all, and if you don’t get out of my way, I’ll kill you too.”

That makes him let out a genuine laugh, something he hasn’t done in years, and he’s glad he didn’t kill you right away. “Ok, I’m going to humor you and say you can kill me, what then? Who are they and why do you want them dead?”

Irritated at his continued disrupting presence, you ask, “If I tell you why, will you leave me alone?”

“Depends.” He shrugs, and you groan. The smile never leaves his face, you are just far too entertaining. “Maybe I could help you.”

That gives you pause, and you size him up, trying to decide if he can really help you or not.

Apparently, you decides that yes, he can, and go on to tell him all about how your neighbor’s wife accused you of being a witch because she was jealous her husband lusted after you, and planted evidence to convince the whole village that you really were a witch and they were going to burn you at the stake if you hadn’t escaped.

“That bitch.” You growl, fire burning in your eyes once again. “I’m going to carve out her husband’s disgusting cock and feed it to her.”

The vampire smiles, “Is that why you were trying to summon the devil? To get revenge on your neighbor and her husband?”

“To get revenge on the whole village. I want them all to die suffering for what they were going to do to me. They deserve to burn like they were going to burn me.” Your anger burned so hot that the vampire came to be almost convinced that you really had the power to face the devil himself and will yourself to not be burned. In all his centuries of living, he has never seen someone so stupidly fearless and so insanely passionate… just looking at you made the cold blood in his veins run a little warmer, and that’s when he decides that he has to keep you for himself.

But first, he had to win your affection, and he knew just how.

——————————————————————————

There you were, on your knees between his legs, the head of his member pushed against your plump lips that have driven him absolutely insane countless times before.

“Do you want me, my darling?”

“Yes.” He’s ashamed by how small that one word sounded. Truth is, he’s become absolutely consumed by you.

After he’d wiped out your village, he was able to have you, have your body, have your blood, and that should’ve been enough. He should’ve killed you after that, he had no more use for you, and you knew it too. You were waiting for it, not a whiff of fear he could smell on you. You had done what you had set out to do and now you had nothing more to live for. That is what your eyes seem to say to him, and it hurts him deeply.

It is a weird feeling, a sharp pang in his cobwebbed heart that has long forgotten what it’s like to feel at the notion that you haven’t considered living for him.

So he kept stalling, pretending that he still wasn’t done with you. Which was the truth, he wanted to keep you around for an eternity, until all the world died around you, but he didn’t know how.

You put him in your mouth again and his thoughts go quiet for a moment. He’s thankful to just get lost in the warm feeling of your mouth on him. But then he’s reminded that you're not his. If you were, you wouldn’t be warm.

Breaking away from his cock, you get up to straddle him, taking him inside your warm heat that threatens to sear his brain. He can’t think so clearly with you around him like this. He needs to have you completely.

But when he puts his fangs on you, you push him back.

“No. I know what you want, and no. I will not let you turn me.” You say, completely unmoved and unmovable. “I will stay with you, but I will stay human.”

“But, my love--” He still tries to argue. Hasn’t he proven himself to you? Hasn’t he earned your utter devotion? How can you be so cruel to him?

“I have no use for eternities or even a regular lifetime, but I’ll stay alive for you. That’s all I can give you. Alive, Felix, not undead.”

His eyes burn with the ghosts of tears he cannot shed. He would let every single person he’s ever fed on suck the blood back from his body if it meant that he could be human with you.

But he can’t so he’ll just settle on trying not to melt away in your mere presence.

Your power over him is immeasurable, and you bounce up and down on his member, he clutches onto your hips for dear life.

“Wanna cum for me, my darling?” You ask, making his cock twitch inside of you. “You wanna paint my insides with your seed?”

He nods vigorously, a small pathetic moan bubbling up in his throat as his nails dig into your skin and little drops of blood seep out of the abrasions that he’ll spend the night lapping his tongue over and nursing them back to health.

“I love you.” He cries out as he cums, his seed as cold as everything about him, but you’re grown used to it, and the little chill tips you over the edge too.

“I love you too, darling.” You murmur, kissing his lips to shut him up before he can protest that if you truly loved him, you’d let him turn you.

___________________

A/N: just a little sumthin sumthin for the up all night mv. I’m still working on the iyym blurbs dw

#stray kids smut #felix smut #stray kids angst #felix angst

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cherienymphe · 4 years

Text

Mistakes of the Heart (Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, murder, violence, arranged marriage, mentions of infidelity, mafia!Steve, mafia!Bucky, jealous!Steve, BUCKY X READER

DNI IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU

➥ {page breaks done by @whimsicalrogers}

➥ Final part to Regrets of Yesterday

summary: your arranged marriage to the infamous Steve Rogers isn’t what you initially thought it would be, but things have worked out better than you could have imagined. However, your arrangement with your husband becomes complicated when feelings, and circumstances, that neither of you anticipated come into play.

Steve pulled out of you, and you winced, heart racing at the predicament you found yourself in. You were a little in shock, having a hard time wrapping your head around what had just happened. Your eyes widened when Steve grabbed his gun after getting dressed, shaking as he told you to do the same.

“…what-what are you going to do?”

He threw you a cold look and getting the hint that he wasn’t going to repeat himself, you put your dress back on. You could feel him between your legs, dripping down your thighs, and disgust filled you. You didn’t have a chance to think about that anymore before Steve fisted his hand in your hair, yanking you up just as Bucky’s panicked voice called your name. You knew then that he’d seen Jarvis’ body.

You stumbled as Steve dragged you along, your nails digging into his skin, but he paid your resistance no mind. The two of you appeared at the top of the stairs just as Bucky took the first step to ascend them, and his eyes widened at the sight of Steve. He was confused, that much was clear, but one look at your face had his jaw clenching.

“Steve…”

Steve pulled you closer.

“…Bucky.”

“Did you kill my housekeeper?”

“I did. I figured he’d get in my way,” your husband told him, and your eyes pleaded with Bucky as they met his.

It was clear he’d noticed the gun in Steve’s hand, and you grew nervous when he took a step towards you.

“Let her go. I’m sure we can talk about whatever your problem is without your hand fisted in her hair,” he sneered.

“Sorry, Buck, but I’m taking my wife home,” Steve told him, tightening his grip.

“She’s not your fucking wife-.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. We’re not divorced, and I want my wife at home with me.”

Steve descended the stairs, pulling you along with him, and you shook your head when you saw Bucky reach for his own gun. He looked conflicted, torn between listening to you and attempting to shoot Steve before he shot him.

“Bucky, please…”

You would rather endure Steve for just a little bit longer if it meant that Bucky wouldn’t get hurt. You would rather he live to see another day to deal with this rather than rashly doing something now that would get him killed. Reluctantly, Bucky took a step back, and you didn’t miss the smirk Steve threw him as he walked past. Steve didn’t leave his back to him as he neared the door, and he waved his gun towards Jarvis.

“You might want to do something about that before he stains the carpet.”

Your struggle was renewed the minute you were outside, only pausing when he forced you into the limo. You slapped him as soon as he shut the door, and he glared at you, jaw ticking as he stared you down.

“I hate you,” you forced through trembling lips. “I hate you so much.”

Only the slight twitch in his cheek indicated that he was bothered by your words, but you didn’t care. You sat back, hand on your stomach as you looked away from him. Your chest was tight the whole ride, tears blurring your vision and wetting your cheeks, but neither one of you said another word to each other.

Steve’s grip was rough as he pulled you out of the car, and you stumbled more than once, wincing. You snatched yourself out of his hold as soon as you were inside, back inside of the place you never thought you’d set foot in again. It looked exactly the same, and that brought you no comfort.

“Get cleaned up.”

You threw him a look, but Steve wasn’t even looking at you. He was taking off his jacket and, getting the sense that he wasn’t going to say anything else, you turned towards the stairs. You could feel his eyes on you as you ascended them, and you clutched your stomach. Under the impression that things would remain as they were, you made your way to your old room.

You were surprised to find it completely changed. It was now a nursery, the colors in a gender-neutral pastel green, and your heart skipped a beat. You frowned, disgust and confusion warring within you as you wondered just how long he’d been planning this. You heard Steve’s footsteps, and you whirled around to face him.

“What the hell is this?”

He grabbed your arm as he passed, pulling you along.

“What does it look like?”

“Have you lost your mind? Do you honestly think I will still be here by the time this baby comes?”

He didn’t answer, opting instead for pulling you into his room. You had never stepped foot in it, never desired to, and you were surprised when he pulled you into a closet on the far side of the room, forcing you to come face to face with a room full of feminine clothes. Part of you wondered if he was really going to put you in the clothes of one of his mistresses or something, but you paused when you noticed that a good number of them were maternity clothes.

You took a shaky breath as he nudged you further into the closet, and you shook your head in disbelief.

“Why are you doing this?” you demanded, looking at him.

He simply turned away, and your frustration grew.

“Get cleaned up and put on something nice, then come downstairs and join me for dinner,” was his only reply.

You heaved an exasperated sigh the minute he was gone. You knew that Bucky wasn’t going to waste any time before coming up with a plan to make Steve let you go, but you didn’t want him to put his life in danger. It was crazy to think that the two were best friends, and yet, Steve didn’t look like he’d hesitate to shoot him. You’d had no idea, never could have guessed that he’d had this much animosity towards yours and Bucky’s relationship.

How could you?

Steve hadn’t just ignored your existence until it was convenient for him during your marriage, but he’d acted as if you were a burden. He didn’t even like you as a human being, let alone romantically. You wondered if you could talk Steve out of this. Surely the man was going through a midlife crisis or something. With that thought, you made your way to the bathroom to wash the feel and stench of Steve off of you. You found a simple maternity dress in the closet, disturbed at how well it fit.

Not wanting to bring on anymore of Steve’s wrath, you were quick to make your way to the dining room. Steve was waiting for you, murmuring something to the cook when you arrived. You were disappointed to see your plate next to him on his left as he sat at the head of the table. You hesitantly sat down next to him, avoiding his eye as you eyed the healthy baby safe food before you.

“I hope you like it,” he said. “I made Gwen research healthy recipes for expecting moms.”

“Why are you doing this?” you sighed out, repeating yourself.

You didn’t want to play along in this horrible game. Steve’s jaw clenched as he looked at you, seemingly upset that you weren’t going to do just that. He sat his utensils down with a sigh.

“I told you…I want you here with me,” he said, reaching for your hand.

You snatched it away, trembling hand falling to your lap as you glared at him.

“Husband and wife and the husband’s several mistresses…how romantic,” you sarcastically threw out.

Steve leaned back in his chair.

“It won’t be like that,” he told you, and you laughed.

“You expect me to believe that you just…gave it all up? Do you remember the things you said to me the last time we saw each other?”

The hardening of his eyes told you that he did, but you continued anyway.

“Let me remind you. You accused me of coming up with some grand scheme to force your hand. The idea that I genuinely didn’t want to be with you anymore was so outlandish to you that the only possible explanation was a trick on my part.”

You chuckled, finding genuine humor in the situation.

“I don’t know if you just think that highly of yourself or maybe you think so lowly of me to think I’d ever beg a man to stay faithful to me, but it was hurtful. You were completely malicious, accusing me of jealousy and telling me to suck it up and make the most of my miserable life-.”

“I know what I said,” Steve snapped. “I don’t need a recap from you.”

“Well, you’re going to get one. You are going to sit here and listen to what I have to say!”

He glared at you, something unrecognizable in his eye, and you returned the gesture.

“You are not a good husband, Steve. You’re not even a good man. I accepted our marriage for what it was. Truth be told, I was very happy with our little arrangement, and if you had come to me to tell me that you wanted a real marriage, that you wanted both of us to only be with each other…I would have laughed in your face.”

Steve’s jaw ticked, and you sneered at him.

“I would have laughed at the sheer audacity. Now somehow, after misleading me into thinking we were divorced, after killing Jarvis, after raping me…you think I’d ever entertain this? I want nothing to do with you, so…” you leaned back in your seat. “Tell me what I have to do in order for you to let me go…”

Steve smirked.

“I’m not letting you go. I know you think this is all one big joke-.”

“Because it has to be! What do you want? A baby? Do you want me to publicly humiliate myself to salvage your own image after the divorce?”

“I want you here with me,” he said, tone leaving no room for arguments. “We’re not getting a divorce.”

You didn’t listen.

“…and my son?”

You watched as Steve’s brows furrowed, a frown taking over at the reveal of your baby’s gender. He slowly exhaled.

“I’ll raise him as my own. That should be my son, anyway,” he added.

You didn’t miss the bitterness in his voice, and you sneered at him.

“He isn’t your son though. He’s Bucky’s,” you told him, taking great satisfaction in the way his face clouded over. “You really expect me to believe that you’ll just…overlook that? Raise him like he’s yours even though he isn’t?”

He didn’t respond, and you continued.

“What will happen when he looks nothing like you? How will you really react when you stare into the face that’s the perfect mix of me and your best friend? As a matter of fact, how in the world are you going to do business with said friend now? You truly didn’t think about any-.”

Your words died in your throat when Steve wrapped his hand around it, chair falling over as he stood to tower over you. You simply stared at him, jaw clenching as he glared down at you, blue eyes stormy with rage.

“You can rile me up as much as you like. You can use every trick in the book to remind me why this isn’t a good idea, but I don’t care. You are mine,” he spat through clenched teeth.

He suddenly let you go, and you sharply inhaled. Tears kissed your eyes as he sat back down, returning to his food like nothing had happened.

“I should have done things differently, I will acknowledge that, but I can only make up for it now. So…”

He reached over to wipe away a stray tear, a smirk dancing along his pink lips.

“We are not getting a divorce. As far as everyone knows, that baby is mine, as is his mother. There won’t be anyone else from here on out, only you.”

You turned your head away from him with a frown.

“You’ll learn to be happy with me as you were with him. Now, finish your dinner before it gets cold…”

Resigned to accept his words until you, or Bucky, could come up with a plan, you did as he said.

The hardest part, the true test, came later that night. Even though clothes that were meant for you were located in a closet in his master bedroom, it didn’t occur to you that he expected you to sleep there.

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “There are at least 3 other rooms in this house. There’s no reason I have to lie next to you.”

You and Steve had been staring each other down for minutes. You’d almost thrown up once you realized where he intended for you to sleep and sleeping without Bucky at your side was one thing but sleeping next to the man who’d ruined your life was something else entirely. Steve seemed to be out of patience, and you fought against him as he reached for you.

He was firm with you, but somehow still careful, and you gasped when you found yourself on the bed. Holding you down with his body, Steve reached over to turn out the light, drowning the room in darkness. Overwhelmed with everything, you couldn’t stop the tears from collecting in your eyes, a quiet sob escaping.

You fought against him, but eventually, you found your back to his front with his arm tightened around you. Your shoulders shook with quiet sobs, stomach churning when you felt his lips against the back of your neck. You didn’t want to fall asleep, you didn’t trust Steve as far as you could throw him, but your body betrayed you.

Between the events of the day, your physical exertion from fighting with Steve, and your pregnancy, sleep claimed you whether you welcomed it or not. You dreamed of Bucky, apparently saying his name in your sleep, something you only figured out when you woke up to the feel of Steve sliding into you.

You gasped, hand reaching up to grab his wrist, one hand on your neck while the other rested on your stomach. The soft rays of sunlight were gradually brightening the room, and tears collected in your eyes with every thrust. His breath on the back of your neck made you cringe, and you pushed your elbow into his stomach.

“Steve,” you protested, moving to get away from him but he had you in a tight hold, chest pressing into your back.

“Be grateful I’m going easy on you,” he murmured, breathing labored. “You think I like to wake up to my wife calling another man’s name?”

You couldn’t even speak, chest tight, a sob caught in your throat as he brushed his lips over your cheek.

“I want to wake up like this every morning…coming inside of my beautiful wife,” he groaned.

You couldn’t even register the fact that that was the first time he’d ever complimented you. You squirmed against him, core throbbing under the ministrations of his relentless cock. You wanted to get as far away from him as possible, and Steve seemed to only want to get closer.

“…the only thing that would make this better is if I had put that baby in you myself,” he breathed, groaning against your skin as he spilled into you.

He remained still for a moment, the only sound in the room that of your labored breaths. You were shaking, fear and disgust filling you, and he eventually pulled away. You could feel the mess he’d made between your thighs, and you laid there, face wet as he moved to get ready for the day.

You didn’t leave the bed until long after he’d gone, parting with a kiss on your cheek. You felt dirty when you sat up, and it took everything in you to get up and shower. You cried the entire time, and when you exited the room, you were met with a quiet mansion. You knew the staff was around though because fresh breakfast was waiting for you when you entered the dining room.

You ate alone, nibbling at your food as you forced yourself to eat despite your lack of appetite. When you were done, despite your suspicions, you tried the front door anyway. It was locked from the outside somehow. Every other entrance was no different. You couldn’t even get the windows to budge. You had made your way to Steve’s office, a room you had never set foot in, only to find it locked as well. You had kicked the door in frustration, telling yourself not to cry.

It seemed you had no choice but to wait for Steve.

This went on for days. The staff practically ignored your existence as they cooked for you, and you sat around waiting for Steve to return. You two would argue, even resorting to begging him to let you go, but he never budged. It would trickle into dinner, sometimes ending the affair early, and he would proceed to take his anger out on you.

He fucked you until you were on the verge of sleep, paying no mind to your tears and pleas. Sometimes, he woke you up the same way. Only 4 days after he’d taken you, there was a pounding on the front door. You could hear it all the way upstairs where you were avoiding Steve, and you slowly made your way down the hall. You were around the corner, looking down into the entrance as Steve opened the door, only for your eyes to widen as Bucky forced himself inside.

“Where is she?”

You watched as Steve reached out to stop your fiancé, but Bucky shook him off. Neither of them had noticed your presence.

“I’ve offered you shares, all of the money I have, hell, even my business, but you’re being as stubborn as ever. I’m done trying to negotiate. Where is she, Steve?”

The two men glared at one another, and you swallowed, about to make your presence known when Bucky continued.

“I know it kills you that she wasn’t as miserable with your arrangement as you grew to be. I know it kills you even more that I was the man she turned to, that I’m the father of her child, but she chose me…so deal with it,” Bucky said, sounding all kinds of exasperated.

“You have no right to her-.”

“She’s a person, Steve! Not one of your possessions you can hide away from the world,” Bucky sneered.

“She is still my wife. That isn’t going to change, and you are trespassing,” Steve snapped.

“You don’t even love her!”

Your heart clenched as you watched the way Bucky’s face twisted, nostrils flaring as he frowned at your husband. His chest heaved, and he threw up his hands, a scoff escaping him as he shook his head at the blond.

“You don’t even love her,” he quietly repeated. “You don’t know what it’s like to love her, and what’s worse is that…I don’t believe you even want to. You just don’t want her to be with anyone else.”

You gripped the railing, carefully moving downstairs, drawing Bucky’s attention before Steve could say anything. Steve followed Bucky’s gaze and moved before he could. You both called Steve’s name as he blocked you from each other, but you were screaming it with wide eyes only seconds later when Steve pulled out his gun, forcing it into your mouth while he curled his fingers around the back of your neck.

You couldn’t see Bucky from your angle, but you heard the way he paused, heard his breath hitch. Your own heart froze, fear seizing you as Steve tightened his hold. You were too afraid to even swallow, and tears kissed your eyes as you blinked.

“You’re right, Buck. I don’t want anyone else to have her, and if you keep pushing me, I’ll make it so that no one does.”

Steve’s voice was cold, not just icy, but venomous too, and something in you told you that he was serious. That he wasn’t just trying to scare Bucky into leaving, scare you into staying. You truly believed that Steve would kill you just so no one else could have you. There was brief silence, thick with tension, before Bucky eventually spoke.

“This isn’t over, Steve.”

Steve took a step back, taking you with him, and you clutched your stomach.

“This is far from over, and if I find out that you harmed her in any way, this will be more than just a severed friendship. I’ll hunt you down like you’re my worst enemy,” Bucky sneered, sounding like the complete opposite of what you were used to.

“That’s all very touching, but you’re still in my house…and I still have a gun in her mouth.”

You could hear your fiancé’s harsh breaths before eventually, and reluctantly, moving towards the door. Steve only took the gun out when Bucky exited, but you felt no relief. Stomach churning, you couldn’t prevent your food from coming up, and your throat protested as you threw up at your feet. Steve reached for you, and you shoved him away.

You stumbled towards the door, ignoring him as he called your name. You knew he wouldn’t let you walk out, at least not alive, but that didn’t stop you from collapsing at the door, leaning your head against the expensive wood. Your vision was blurry as the tears finally spilled over, chest tight as you fought not to cry harder. You heard him approach you, standing in the entrance to the foyer as he watched your huddled form. You don’t know how long you sat there crying, nor how long he stood there…just watching you, but eventually you spoke.

“You could have any woman you want,” you whispered. “You could have any woman who would be happy to be with you.”

You turned to look at him, eyes puffy and lips trembling.

“…but it’s me you choose to torment. My life you choose to ruin.”

Steve’s jaw ticked, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he was offended. His blue eyes flashed with something you couldn’t name, and you glowered at him.

“I know that deep down, you don’t actually care about whether or not I love you. I know that my staying with you is what matters most,” you started.

You pulled your thighs to your stomach, resting your hands on your knees as he stared at you.

“So allow me to make myself clear in terms that you’ll understand, Steve. You can lock me away until I give birth. Hell, you can do so until I get pregnant and give birth again, but it will never make a difference because I will never want you.”

Steve straightened, looking down his nose at you as he fingered the gun in his hand.

“I will never desire you, I will never need you, I will never even dream of you. Every time you kiss me, I will imagine its Bucky. Every time you touch me, I will wish it is his hands instead. Every time I am far too quiet, and you find yourself wondering ‘what she’s thinking about’, know that I am thinking about Bucky. When you watch me in my sleep like I know you do, know that I am dreaming about him. It will always be him.”

The silence was deafening, and for a moment, you wondered if he was going to shoot you and be done with it. However, despite the fact that Steve’s face had clouded over, fearfully so, he simply took a step back before walking away, leaving you alone to lean your head back against the door.

It was late in the night when you were roused from sleep by a noise that passed through the many rooms of Steve’s mansion. You were surprised that you’d woken up at all. Steve may not have reacted to your words then and there, but he was sure to let you know how he really felt once night came. You had cried yourself to sleep like you did every night since he’d taken you, and even now, your body still ached rom his harsh grip, cum dried between your thighs.

You thought that you were imagining things, but when you heard it again, you carefully slid out from Steve’s hold. The house was quiet, the soft carpet cushioning your steps. You slid your hand along the wall, the other clutching your stomach as you picked up on another noise. Nervous and afraid, you reached out to turn on the hallway light only to realize that it didn’t work. Pausing, you noted that the house was colder, and you knew then that the power was out.

You wouldn’t dare attempt to go down the stairs, but even if the power were working, something in you told you not to. You discovered why when moments later, multiple gunshots could be heard, quickly followed by the sound of breaking glass. You flinched, stumbling back against the wall as multiple things became clear at once. Several people were breaking into the house, they were armed, and Steve was awake and calling your name.

Taking advantage of the sudden chaos, you slipped into a nearby room, shutting the door just as Steve’s voice filled the hallway. You hurried towards the closet, shutting yourself inside as your mind whirled. Several of Steve’s own men stayed on the property, just not in the main building, and it wasn’t long before you heard different kinds of guns join the fray. You didn’t exactly know what was happening, and you smoothed your hand along your swollen stomach in an effort to calm yourself.

You could still faintly hear Steve calling your name, but it eventually faded away, and you surmised that he went downstairs. You briefly wondered if this was Bucky’s doing, and you frowned, wondering why that hadn’t initially occurred to you. Of course, you knew that he was in the same business as Steve, knew of the ugly side he never allowed you to see, and that was precisely why the idea that Bucky was behind this was a foreign one. A shocking one.

Still, in case it wasn’t, you cursed yourself for not searching for something to protect yourself with. You knew where Steve kept his guns, and you would feel much safer with one right now. That thought only increased when you heard the bedroom door open. You were no longer alone, and the other person in the room was just as quiet as you were. The commotion going on was louder now, and you reached out to grip the wall when you heard the bathroom door open.

You could faintly see light from beneath the closed door, and the way it moved told you that it was a flashlight. You could feel your stomach churning, fear and confusion and anxiety filling you. The stranger in the room had yet to say anything, give any sort of indication as to who they were. Your heart dropped when the closet door swung open, and a blinding light filled your vision. You squinted, unable to see a thing and wondered if you were going to be met with your death or another assault and kidnapping.

You were met with a third option.

“Doll?”

You didn’t have time to feel relief before familiar arms pulled you into a warm chest. A bit dazed and in shock, you absentmindedly pressed your fingers into his back, wide eyes staring ahead. You hadn’t even realized that you were trembling until Bucky started rocking you.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay. I’m here now,” he whispered.

“I thought-.”

“I know.”

“Steve-?”

“Outside. That was the last time I saw him,” he answered.

You breathed him in and felt him do the same before he started walking backwards, taking you with him. The room was bathed in darkness once again, and he maneuvered you so that you were behind him as he moved to make his way out. His hand was tight on yours as he weaved through the halls gun first. You gasped when he led you down the stairs, the recognizable shapes of bodies on the floor even in the darkness.

One of his cars, one of the bulletproof ones, was parked further down the driveway. His steps were hurried as he pushed you in front of him, and as you neared the car, you thought to yourself that this seemed too easy. Nothing involving Steve was ever easy, and you were disappointed to be proven right.

You fell to the ground when Bucky was shoved against the car, landing on your back. You winced, and the sound of fists meeting bone reached your ears just as the unmistakable sound of a gun hitting the ground did too. With a struggle, you pushed yourself into a sitting position, watching as Bucky slammed his fist into Steve’s nose, the two of them on the ground before you.

Ignoring the pain in your back, you looked around, eyes zeroing in on the black weapon not far away. You forced yourself to your feet, quickly wrapping your hand around it. Steve was on top of Bucky now, slamming your fiancé’s head into the ground, and you didn’t hesitate. Steve fell against the side of the car, face twisted into pain from the bullet wound in his back.

His blue eyes met yours, and you felt no remorse as he struggled to stand. You could hear Bucky pushing himself to his feet, and you hurried to his side. You wiped the blood from his face, swallowing when he slid the gun from your grip. You pressed yourself against him, shaking your head.

“He’s not worth it-.”

“He won’t stop,” he argued, teeth clenched.

“He’ll have no choice. He’ll never find us if we leave. Killing him will start something neither one of us want to be involved in,” you told him.

You could see the conflict on Bucky’s face, and you knew that he knew you were right. Everything would go to you, and many people would dispute that, claiming that you were unfit to run the business. Even worse, you could only imagine what people would think of you and Bucky publicly getting together after your husband’s death. They would suspect the worse, and they would be right. You’d make enemies out of people you had never even met.

With a sneer, Bucky opened the passenger door before ushering you in. You massaged your stomach as he slid into the driver’s seat, relief only filling you when the mansion started to grow smaller. You leaned back, the stress of the past few days getting to you. Bucky, sensing this, took your hand, rubbing his thumb over your skin. He brought it to his lips, a shaky breath escaping him.

“You don’t know the weight that’s been lifted off of my shoulders,” he whispered.

You could see that he was struggling to keep it together. The stress of seeing you get taken by Steve, powerless to stop him, and powerless again when he threatened your life and that of your son’s. You reached for his face with your free hand as he drove down the street, determined to put as much distance between you and Steve as possible.

“Hey…I’m okay,” you quietly told him, fingers ghosting over his cheek.

“…are you?”

You knew what he was asking, and you knew that if you had told him what really happened to you, he would have killed Steve on the spot. More so, you didn’t want Bucky to have to carry that burden, to blame himself for what Steve did to you. You brushed your thumb over his lips, sending him a small smile.

“I am now.”

You leaned your head against his shoulder, Bucky’s soft breaths lulling you to sleep more than the purr of the vehicle. Steve was finally behind you, and although you weren’t as free of him as you would like to be, it seemed insignificant with Bucky and your son at your side.

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#Dark Fic #dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #mafia!bucky #mafia!steve rogers #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve x reader

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