#started antidepressants so thats been fun

[gibbearish]

btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest

[je5hko]

GTA HEADCANONS‼️‼️

these been living in my head rent free since january

Back in the day, Michael and Trevor tried to exchange clothes, but M would stretch T’s clothes too much, that they started to look funny on him. (Mostly t-shirts). So Trev started to wear bigger sizes in case the money situation got worse, and they didn’t have much clothing. (Even after Michael abandoned him, he never stopped to wear oversized clothes)

Lamar is a sucker for old photos, for example: he kept all of the pictures of him, Tonya and Franklin together in highschool, puppy chop, all that.

Trevor gave Michael lice, so he shaved his head. He couldn’t stand the itching.

Franklin’s favourite food is beacon flavoured lays

Trevor’s favourite food is peanut m&m (Michael HATES them)

Michael’s favourite food is antidepressants

Trevor was first to notice Tracey’s bulimia, and asked her to talk about it to her therapist. He still sees her as a little girl, and he genuinely cares about her.

Whenever T and Tracey spend time together, he would let her paint his nails. Brad once made fun of him having them painted pink, and Trev punched him right in the jaw.

T would steal little things for Tracey, such as nail polish, plushies, etc.

Michael would go on cigarette walks when he couldn’t sleep. Insomnia kicked his ass hard.

Trevor NEVER sleeps. Trevor had, and still has, a nightmares about his family (mostly parents). Whenever he and Michael would sleep together in one bed at motel, he would wake up in the middle of the night and hug Mikey as tight as he could, silently sobbing. Of course, Michael wakes up most of the time when he hugs him. He asked Trev abt his nightmares twice: 1st time when he asked, was when he and T were just simply laying down, and the only response he got, was a solid punch in the face. Second time, was when they were both drunk, high, (whatever) and were venting to each other about theirs families. Trev told him about his relationship with family, his mommy issues and these nightmares he’s been having. After that night, Michael decided to never ask again about his dreams, and also promised to himself, that he would comfort Trevor every single time when he’d be having nights like these. Michael got used to random tight hugs, and Trevor got used to having someone to hug to when having nightmares.


After Michael abandoned him, he tried to stay awake for as long as his organism could last, took lots of drugs that kept him awake, so he didn't have to deal with these stupid memories.
But one night he had to sleep, and these nightmares came back, even stronger. Now not only his family haunted him in his sleep, but Michael was there too.

THATS ALL FOR NOW!! LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT MORE

[araksi413]

DEAREST ARA how are you doin ? :3

HIIIIII!!!! OMG SCOTT HI :DDDDD

im okay but also awake at 4am qwq i cant sleep :(( i ran out of my antidepressants that help me with sleeping so ive been struggling with that :c

but otherwise im good !! played sims 4 for several hours today, just building that was fun!

im gonna have to start studying properly for my exams tomorrow unfortunately, which is a little stressful :P i failed one already (tho i expected that & can retake it) so i gotta do it properly and ghhh im bad at selfstudy ..

but the holidays were great ! so thats very nice :] very good rest and family time and also friend time :]]

also im really happy to hear from you !!!!!!! how are you? what have you been up to ? :DD

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

For both Jensen and Bryce...

What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

tysm for the ask!!

Jensen:

jensen always has a lot of things on his person. besides typical accessories and such (rings, necklaces, earrings, watch, etc), he always has:

gum, specifically spearmint flavored. its his favorite and it keeps his mouth busy, which tends to help him focus, especially at work

his airpods. he literally could not live without them. at home he usually has one in for music and at work he uses them during his lunch breaks. fun fact, they're in a chicago cubs case

his key chain. he has keys to his and the roomies apartments, aliyahs place, and bryces place

a little pill case w his meds + the typical ibuprofen and tylenol. hes been caught without his antidepressants before and it Sucked, so he always likes to have them, especially if he spends the night at bryces place unexpectedly

a hairtie!! theres been plenty of times where one of the girls forgot one, and jackie once asked him to keep one in his pocket when they went out for a roomie day, and he carries one ever since

his wallet, ofc. he has the basic things in there (id, gym membership, library card, etc.)

his id badge for work. he has his card on a reel clip and in the little sleeve is a note bryce shoved in there one day that jensen "hasent got around to" taking out (he doesnt want or plan to)

an edenbrook pen he borrowed off ethans desk his second year of residency and does not plan on returning

HIS WATER BOTTLE. he doesnt leave the house without it. its a beat-to-shit 32 oz black metal bottle thats usually rattling w the leftover ice he has in it. it has some stickers on it too, most notably a cubs sticker, a smiley face sticker, and a stack of "i voted" stickers from all the years prior. when i say this thing goes Everywhere i mean it. maybe not out to a quick store run, but itll be with him at work, his therapists office, bryces place, day-long outings, etc etc

Bryce:

bryce doesnt carry quite as many things, especially because of work, but he does have a few fun ones!!

again, wallet. the same basics but he does have a little doodle of a dinosaur from jensen in their intern year (jensen doesnt even remember it but bryce thought it was funny and kept it. and now he'll probs have it for the rest of his life)

his keys. he has a key to the roomies, his parents house, his car, and his own place. his airpods are attached to them, too. he doesnt use them as much as jensen, but he always has them in case he decides to go to the gym after work

a multitool. bryce is always fixing stuff around his place or others, and its super helpful for him to have

also gum. he just chews it so he isnt talking constantly (same deal of keeping his mouth busy. not that it does a great job of stopping him.)

his edenbrook id badge ofc. he has a frog reel clip

this is more of an accessory but he has an anklet he always wears. he got it when he was in high school, didnt wear it for years, then started wearing it when he moved away. its still holding up (jensen says otherwise) so he keeps wearing it

paperclips. why not

two cheap pens and a mechanical pencil. he needs to write things down all the time and loses the pens All The Time so he likes to have an extra. he doesnt use the pencil much but its nice to have

candy and/or cough drops. not all the time but its something hes more likely to have than not. the candy is simply for snacking, the cough drops are bc he gets a lot of very mild colds in the winter

[sugaroto]

*venting*

How much of an idiot can someone be to mock someone's death and grief like that

He's always been stupid. We all know it by now. He always mocked me. Made me cry and laughed about it. I grew up now and he's mocking my cousin. He's full of bullshit

You're nearly 50 and you want to make fun of a kid that lost his dad? Oh how funny you are

"What difference would it make if he was here?"

Are you fucking stupid?

Idk. Maybe a 9 year old wouldn't have to be told that- FUck

Great niw I'm crying

He was a good man. He cared for all of us. He's everywhere

He was the one who painted my room, who fixed my door, my chair, my closet, who gave me his old printers that helped me with school stuff

My last text to him was a photo of our washing machine bc he helped with that too somehow

He was the one that drove us to the beach every Sunday

And I know pretty much everyone helped with barbecues but I think he was doing most of the work

And he wasn't supposed to die. It happened fast and unfair and he was young. And he had a son

He was excited to see his son reaching the "big 10" next year

...

His absence ruined the whole family

"It should have been me" was what my grandfather said and even if I wasn't there to hear him saying it it still hurts

"Where's dad?" He thought his parents came home unexpected to surprise him when he saw his mom. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I learned it. I couldn't. For a while I thought you hated me for lying. But I love you and the only way I can help you through this is by keeping you company

My youngest aunt was lucky enough to have 2 kids to take care off that kept her occupied

But my mom spent most of the time with my oldest aunt. Grieving. And keeping her company

They were both taking antidepressants at some point

I'm not sure if my aunt is still taking them

But whenever she stopped and her period was close she would snap and hate all of us. We know she didn't mean it, but I hope he didn't heard his mom when she said all that she said

Tho I'm sure he did. Whenever he suspects something is wrong or he sees his mom ready to cry he pays attention

...

Well this was originally supposed to be about how stupid my uncle can be that mocks my dead uncle and my cousin but this turned to a whole other thing...

Well, in school at some point they told us writing letters with our feelings to people and never send them could help. Consider this my letter

My uncle died on August 2021, it's not... a new thing. Though it'd be a lie to say we're ok now

My cousin finally went to therapy about it just the other week. I don't know if he really wanted to tho, he was against it at first. Saying the therapist was a "Μαλακας, γύφτος, Πακιστανός, άχρηστος, φτωχός και θα του πω να μου δώσει όλα τα λεφτά του για να πάρω xbox" He usually doesn't swear. And idk why he's been so obsessed lately with the whole Πακιστανός και γύφτος thing. He's a good kid I swear, I know this sounded awful but he's not usually like that

My other uncle has been an asshole about it from the start tho "Ε και που τον είχες τι έκανε? Όλη μέρα κοιμόταν" (and what about him being here? He didn't do much, just slept all day) are you fucking stupid? "Γιατί τι διαφορά θα είχε αφού ο γιος σου παίζει όλη μέρα στο xbox"(what would be the difference your son is playing xbox the whole day) ???? are you fucking stupid

A whole human died and thats your reaction to it?

[spyderslut]

im barely holding it together

Ive by the skin of my teeth scraped together rent for the month, and put 200$ towards next month. Itll be a tight squeeze but Im probably not gonna be homeless. I have several large bags of lentils and wheatflour and oats that ive saved for just such an occasion. It wont be fun, but I wont starve.

But i havent been able to buy medication for close to a month now. Ive got my last couple estrogen patches on me and im gonna just be leaving em on there to try and get somthing outa them. My anti anxiety/antidepressant medication was really nice, meant I didnt just shut down nearly as easily, meant it was much easier to find the will to get outa bed and out of the house, meant I didnt think about wanting to die. But now ive gotta walk on eggshells, around myself. It is so fucking exhausting to be constantly careful/on the lookout for anything that could send you into a badthoughts (tm) spiral. But, ive managed to not do that. Ive not gotten out of the house as much and ive felt consistently worse just about every moment of every day, but no badthoughts (tm) But for how much longer? Many of the things I hold onto as anchor points arent unlimited. Once my last two estrogen patches start itching too much ill probably boil them in water and then drink it to try and get the last bits out, but eh? Maybe ill get some money for my birthday thats coming in the next week. It might even be enough to pay for another month of rent, probably at least for another months hrt/medication. But after that? I dont know. If I like to help people but am unwilling to accept charity myself, then that basically me saying that im better than everyone I want to help, and I am very much not.

I have both a Kofi and a fansly. If you would like to see somthing nsfw and give me money, then go to the fansly. If you would rather not see somthing nsfw, then go to my kofi.

[nickeldean]

vent <3

ever since my nana died my baba has been out for blood against me . like i stood up to take my antidepressants and walked away from a tv i wasnt watching and hadnt turned on and he started saying “how do you not know how to turn off a tv seriously theres no way youre that useless” and makes fun of me when i take some space away from the family bc of my sensory issues and always makes me the butt of all of the jokes ???

and i get that i was the closest to my nana and maybe i remind him of his dead wife or something but jesus . im starting to think its fucking personal

AND THEN i dont even know if this hate is new !!! maybe he always hated me and my nana reeled him in and loved me so much bc she knew he didnt !! or maybe hes just transphobic and now that shes dead he can get away with deadnaming and misgendering and yelling at me at the drop of a hat.

i have two very annoying and not self sufficient cousins who he NEVER yells at . like im so sorry i, a 19 yr old, took MY DADS JETSKI out on the lake without telling you . doesnt matter that i told my dad who owns them and that you didnt feel the need to tell me there was something you had planned . but yeah lets shower the kid who made our family photos take ten minutes because he refused to stand up in praise because oh he must have hurt his knee and thats why he didnt want to stand !! bitch i have a knee brace and you called me a bitch and a whiner when i said i needed to sit for a minute after FOUR HOURS OF WALKING IN LONDON . shut the fuck up

and extra trigger warning bc this is harsh but . hey. maybe u should have died instead of my nana huh. i get that you lost your spouse of fifty years but this is just fucking abuse at this point

[you-can-face-this]

its anon friend!!!! i am so so so sorry for taking so long to reply to you! i havent forgotten about you, things have just been absolutely insane! how are you?! im proud of you for trying to invest more in your friendships, im at the same point. im actively trying to see my friends more which is huge for me. ive seen people 2 days in a row which doesnt really happen for me anymore! how is college going for you?

i am SO heartbroken to hear you didnt get tickets 💔 im praying that youve either manage to get them since then or that you do eventually manage to!!! youll get them because im manifesting it for you 🩷

ahhh thats so sweet that your friend invited you over for thanksgiving - did you have a nice time? i know it probably seems like forever ago now (im so sorry 😭)

i hope everything is going well for you and that youre taking extra care of yourself, i know this time of year is stressful with school sometimes and i hope that youre doing okay 🩷🩷🩷 sending lots of love 💌

omg anon friend i missed u! also no worries - senior yr rlly is so chaotic & overwhelming ahh

i'm actually doing pretty well! I started seeing a psychiatrist and got started on antidepressants! it's still too soon for the positive effects to kick in but i think it's already at least helping with my anxiety. otherwise, i'm graduating in a few months so i'm just getting everything sorted out for that. i'm planning on moving to nyc, which was always a dream of mine, but also it's expensive af so i'm having to do a lot of planning to make it happen.

also!! my friend got a code to buy tickets after the sales got canceled so now we're going to opening night!! which is so crazy??? i still can't believe that i'll finally be able to see taylor after 10+ years of stanning online lol have you seen her in concert before? i hope u got tickets too!

thanksgiving went well with my friend and she & her family actually invited me back for christmas & we traveled out of state to visit her extended family! they had a lot of pets & good food so it was super fun. my friend & her family even surprised me with christmas presents?! my own family could never LMAO now that i've experienced traveling with friends (i've never done it before), i found that it's actually not as scary as my anxiety had made it seem so i've been planning little day trips here & there and also a group trip to yosemite before i graduate!

a bunch of friends & i got caught some illness recently (not covid thankfully) lol probs a cold or sth so we've all been taking it easy & asking for a lot of extensions for assignments hehe i hope you're taking care of your self too! <3

[thoughtsfromthebeehive]

the aftercare part of sex is really nice i think. typically, when my partner finishes i get my toy and try to finish too but usually because of my antidepressants im not sensitive enough for it. its hard to get my head in the zone. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt, its best when i have some weed gummies or alcohol to get me to a normal level of sensitivity. 

but anyways, sometimes, particularly when he finishes in me, i start to cry really hard. not because im sad, or that it wasnt pleasurable, its just very hormonal and emotional for me i guess. its a good cry basically. 

so i think its sweet that he strokes my back or pets my hair and says its ok, im here, just breathe, stuff like that. and always makes sure im not crying because im upset. and then we go take a shower together and wash each other. sometimes he washes my back or my hair. i think he likes to make sure i enjoyed it. i think he gets anxious that he pressures me. and he says, i dont want to have sex with you if youre neutral, i want to have sex with you only if you want to. so i say, sometimes im neutral, but because i care about you and like making you feel good it leans me towards the wanting sex if he wants sex. i dont think theres ever been a time weve had sex when i didnt want it. i actually think its kind of fun sometimes if he tells me he wants it because usually he lets me initiate or we kinda melt into it together. im more than comfortable with telling him no if i so wish. maybe sometimes i feel a little pressured, but again, if i definitely didnt want it i would say so. i find the act of sex itself to be fun, so i usually enjoy it no matter what. he told me once in the shower that it was emotional for him too. which i think is very sweet. 

i think its good to have a mixed view on sex -- by that i mean, partially “sex is deep and emotional” and “sex is fun and light”. I think both can exist. im not usually horny, so it usually feels more like a ritual to display love and care for my partner. sometimes its fun to just fuck. fucking and love-making are two different things. its a fun activity and good exercise. but its also emotional and sensual and intimate. thats just how i personally view it. its nice to feel close to someone. things feel so natural with him and have since i met him. being with him is the most natural thing ive ever done. like ive always known him. its nice to be able to click with someone like that, like your personalities fit together like puzzle pieces. 

[ihatebnha]

I COME BACK TO YOU TALKING ABOUT BARBARIAN BAKUGO AND AOHDKABD yeah he’s the guy who’s just almost nakey a lot of the time. Reminds me when i sent my first ask to you and it was barbarian bakugo 😭 im having a brainrot about him again

CAITIEEEEEEE hello beloved :D hru??

omen

OMENNNNN I'VE BEEN MISSING U SO HARD LATELY, where has my baby been? u don't have to be on tumblr ofc but are u taking care of urself??? eating and sleeping????

i would love to talk about nudist bakugo some more but it would take up so much time and space here that i'd rather just save my thoughts... HOWEVER i think i still have ur first ask to me (at least, i never remember deleting it)... so maybe i should find it again and finally give it to the world.

*eyes emoji* dunno!!! but really, i'm glad to see u <333 *pleading eyes @ u*

[honeymilque]

Hey guys!

I know it’s been a HOT minute since I posted here so I just wanna apologize for being gone so long but hopefully I’ll get back into it soon! :) 

     SOooo I’ve been having a rough time lmao the first year of the pandemic I grew distant with some good friends of mine. Which I mean ,it happens, friends come and go but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I have no ill feelings towards them. I still love them dearly and I hope they are thriving!! Anyways, this is kinda what started my downward spiral. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Maybe a short interaction every now and then. I also had my dad and step-mom on my ass about going back to college. So in short I felt like a failure for not being in college, and completely alone. Those feelings continued to get worse over the course of 2020-2021. At some point during that time I started to gain quite a few followers here as well as on twitter. I don’t think I ever hit 500 but it was still a lot to me. With the sudden gain of followers, I began to look at my art differently. Suddenly it wasn’t for fun, it was for my followers. My mindset was “If I don’t draw something they like everyone will hate me for not being able to create the content they enjoy” When my art didn’t do as well, it would tear me apart. I felt like I was failing my followers. I began to HATE my art. I completely stopped drawing except for maybe once or twice a year. Art wasn’t fun and I couldn’t think of anything to draw. 

     Aside from my art issues, I had a lot more going on. Early 2021 I met a guy and we hit it off instantly. We spent every second with each other. He helped me a lot during 2021. My manager had quit mid year and the place I work at couldn’t find a manager for months. Since I had open availability and I was a lead key, they threw everything on me. I was beyond stressed, but I always had him to talk to. It was nice having someone to talk to all day. I began to feel happy and loved again. Mid July we had started dating and everything was wonderful. Life got a whole lot brighter, but unfortunately for a very short time. He started to not talk or hang out with me a lot. By the end of September he broke up with me. He was going through a lot and so was I. I didn’t take this well. The slightest bit of sunshine I had left was just ripped from my hands. Once again, I was alone. I won’t lie, it got very dark. I would barely eat or drink and showering was too much work. I was going through a break up, running a store, and I kept buying random stuff to get me that small amount of dopamine I needed to survive. I was living paycheck to paycheck.

     Now since I don’t want to write this anymore lol let’s skip to now! I finally got diagnosed with depression about a month ago, and I’ve been on antidepressants since! Just this week, I’ve started feeling better. I’m finding myself enjoying things again! I’ve started drawing again. I realized that my art doesn’t have to mean anything. It can just be a random doodle of a pretty anime boy standing and that’s okay!! I’m still struggling with enjoying my art BUT I know if I keep trying that my art will eventually be where I want it! We finally got a new manager at work, so I’m not stressed anymore :) Money is still tight since I’m still recovering from my depression purchases and rent went up but it’s a good! I know I can get the money back and I’m not buying as much stuff anymore (except for delivering food...I have spent so much on doordash lmao)

If you read all of this, thank you for listening :) If you didn’t thats okay, I don’t read long posts either lmao

TLDR; Depression sucks but I’m all better now. :) Hope to be posting art again soon!! ♥

[stargirlfics]

ok like nobody asked but i started antidepressants a week ago and im really proud of myself for taking steps in the right direction but a side effect im dealing with is loss of sex drive/desire and ITS KILLING ME i cant even find myself enjoying nAsTy fics as i usually do like im lowkey repulsed by them now and it sucks :( im usually such a horn dog but ya thats my life atm hope alls well with u my dear

I’ve never been on antidepressants but I’ve heard from so many people that it’s affected their sex drive which I’m sure is frustrating and not a fun thing to deal with omg, especially if you usually do be horny bitch lmao but I’m very proud of you for taking the steps you need for your health absolutely!!!

You’re doing amazing sweetie!! And I’m doing ok, feeling better than I was the majority of the week so that’s something! 💖😊

[anincrediblelife-blog]

A “new normal?” I don’t think so...(?)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I remember the day like the back of my hand. I had just been admitted to the Johns Hopkins hospital, hooked up to oxygen and IV fluids. I was meeting with my new team of oncology doctors.

They went over my plan of treatment and what to expect. Naturally, as many would also probably respond as, I blacked out. I’m sure it was the lack of oxygen and the mix of pain killers, but I honestly don’t remember any of it. The room went dark, I could hear them— feel their pressence, but my mind had basically burst into a million pieces. So much information given to me in...in what, maybe 30 minutes, tops?

Chemo was a drag, as most would expect. I handled it well, quite honestly. I got sick maybe once or twice my first round, but it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. Fatigue and the emotional sobbing was my biggest problem. It would come out of nowhere. I became sensitive to everything. The sun, the moon, and the stars would pop out and I’d be sobbing. I’d watch my 600lb life... and sob. I’d sit down for morning coffee, and sob. I didn’t fight the tears anymore.

Chemo does weird things to your body and your mind— you’re literally morphing into this lifeless, non-recognizable body. My hair fell out everywhere. My beard fell out. Christmas Day I was in the shower and globs of hairs were just falling out. A few days later I said fuck it, took my clippers, and pulled a 2007 Brittney Spears.

I began to look like my pubescent 11 year old self. It was weird. Just totally taboo.

I was facing a huge challenge now. This really hadn’t hit me yet.

But in all honesty, it wasn’t until my eyelashes, my eyebrows, and the hairs on my legs and arms began to fall out. It wasn’t really until I began to puff up like a fish from all the steroids; and gain the “Freshman 15” that I never did in college. That’s when it really hit me.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Holy shit, I have cancer.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

This “new normal” mentality was brought up so many times to me by so many people in the last year that I have learned to just ignore it...or at least try to.

Uh...Yeah, of course my life is going to change. I was just diagnosed with late stage metastatic ball cancer. I’m 24 fuckin years old, are you kidding me?

I was pissed, so mad at the world. What did I do to deserve this? Everything was finally falling into place for me. My career was taking off, I began to work on my masters degree. I was eating healthy and taking numbers. I had what I wanted. I had security.

I might have struggled financially, but I had begun to get my life together one step at a time.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I tried and tried to get back to my old self after finishing chemo, going through all these surgeries and getting back to my daily work life and weekend fun.

I was fighting this “new normal” mentality.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

As of recently, I think I’m starting to get what they meant.

I was doing so well, health related. Tumor markers were returning to a normal range, lung mets were still shrinking. I wasn’t worried.

But as I look back from the last few months, I see it now. Something was wrong. My mood fluctuated, my emotions were all over the place. I emailed my urologist to ask for bloodwork for T levels. My hormones went through quite a bit over the last few months— a lot of hormonal changes. T levels came back normal. I started working out again, getting my ass into shape at kickboxing. (What a great stress relief, by the way. I highly recommend.)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I mean, yeah, I knew I was sorta depressed, but I was back to at least a little bit of what we say ~thriving~ nowadays.

“Living my best life.”

Or so I thought I was...

But then I began to run myself into the ground. I started drinking a lot, being reckless, putting my roommate and my friends through hell. There would be times she would come home and I’d be passed out on the floor from having too much bubbly by myself on a Sunday morning. It wasn’t healthy— for me or for her. I had to get my shit together or I was out. Never did either of us even imagine I’d be struck with cancer. The tension was high. We both knew it, but, at least for myself, I’m not afraid to say I like to avoid conflict.

I was self medicating because thats what seemed what was best for me. In reality, I was self-destructing. And a steady decline I was taking.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

For the last couple days I’ve had a lot of time to think. (Maybe too much time, to be honest.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I can sorta admit that I’m learning to accept these changes— this “new normal” mentality. I didn’t want to at first, but I think it’s ok. Instead of fighting to try to find the old me, maybe this “new normal” is a change that I needed.

A life style change? A new outlook? A restart button? Shut down, and reload.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Two and a half weeks ago, I had a brain tumor removed. Yeah, the cancer came back. Six months post chemo, six months post surgeries, six months getting back to work, getting healthy— a brain tumor. Surgery went well. They got it all out and I’ll meet with oncology next week for further details and a plan of more treatment if need be. (I’ll be sure to update.)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

What...What I’m trying to say is that this brain tumor and this brain surgery and all that has opened my eyes even more to the “new normal.” The depression seems to have subsided, although I’m not afraid to admit I’m on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and sometimes I feel like maybe we all should just be on them. I truly feel happier. Everyone wants to be happy— and I can honestly say that I’m getting there. I’m working on it. I have my days. We all do. So I don’t let it bother me.

It’s made me wonder— this latest occurance— to think of it as a learning experience. Some higher power put me in this situation to really challenge me...again. And I’m succeeding.

I refuse to lose. I never was a loser. My competitve side really comes out sometimes, catching people off guard. I’m usually the sarcastic wise-ass in the corner cracking jokes.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I need to start setting life goals. I want to travel more, I want to experience life like there’s no tomorrow. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s turning in a necessity now for me. Tomorrow is not promised. As cliches as it sounds, I want to carpe dium.

And that’s my plan. Carpe the shit out of that dium.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Enjoy your day, my lovely friends ❤️

[all-hail-the-witcher]

I came back to you

look at that yall, your eyes do not deceive you, I actually did write something.

this is part two to this horrific angst mess

also uhhh shouts to mikey for describing a kiss to me (wink wonk) and doin the plan and shouts to fizz for being fizz and scalping me for making a Terrible Mistake

_______

genre: happy floofy make up stuff (I almost wrote angst ha lol)

ship: ralbert off and also married blush cause We Stan

warnings: hmm al is still paralyzed, race’s shoulder is still fucked, I think someone mentions depression or anti depressants or smth, fighting, screaming, I think thats it

editing: lkdfjghlkaghj

words: 3000 something

______

Mush ran full force down the hallway straight into his husband.

“Whoa, Mushy,” Blink said grabbing his shoulders so he didn’t topple over. “What’s going on? Is hell chasing you?”

“Sorta,” Mush said before toning down him voice. “We need to talk. Right now.”

Blink raised his eyebrows. “Is everything okay?”

“Depends on your definition of okay,” Mush said. “Can you spare ten minutes?”

“Now?” Blink’s eyebrows knitted together.

Mush nodded and grabbed Blink’s hand, dragging him down several twisting hallways to a storage closet. He looked around for several seconds before yanking open the door and unceremoniously pushing Blink inside.

Mush flicked on the old light, casting a faint yellow glow on him and Blink. “We need to get Race and Albert back together.”

Blink stared at him for several long seconds before shrieking “What?”

“They’re totally miserable!” Mush groaned dramatically. “Race is convinced that Albert is paralyzed because of him, and Albert is convinced that Race doesn’t want him anymore and it’s driving me insane. Do you know how many of Albert’s check ups consist of him asking about how Race is? Every. Single. One. I can’t take it anymore. And it’s not just that, it’s making it harder for him. He was supposed to be all healed like three months ago. He was finally cleared last week. It’s not supposed to take six months to heal from a shattered pelvis! Three to four maybe, but six is insane. And don’t even get me started on Race, that kid is a disaster. He’s come to see me four whole times about his- babe, why are you laughing?” Mush cut himself off when he noticed Blink’s hysterics.

“Babe, I thought that you were hurt or we were about to be attacked,” Blink said as he fought to compose himself. “I wasn’t expecting you to lecture me on Albert and Race’s well-being.”

“But it’s truuueee!” Mush exclaimed, flailing his arms around dramatically. “For the safety of their health and wellbeing we have to get them back together.”

“Are you sure about this?” Blink asked. “They might not want to get back together and we don’t want to make it worse.”

“Blink, I’m their doctor and it’s affecting their mental health. I’d much rather try than have to prescribe them antidepressants,” Mush said.

“Alright,” Blink sighed poking Mush’s chest. “But if this backfires, I don’t know you.”

“Babe,” Mush sounded confused. “We’re married.”

“Then I’m printing divorce papers,” Blink said with an air of sarcasm.

Mush fake gasped. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh I would, Race is very scary when he's angry.”

“Yeah,” Mush agreed, “but he’s a stick. Albert is way more intimidating.”

“Yes,” Blink agreed. “But albert is also paralyzed, I doubt he’d be able to beat me up.”

Mush lightly slapped Blink upside the head. “Now now,” he scolded in his best doctor voice, “don't be ableist.”

Blink rolled his eyes. “When was the last time you saw him get in a fight?”

Mush considered for a minute. “Ah, yesterday actually. Romeo took his cookie at lunch.” He smirked mischievously. “See? Your point is invalidated.”

“You’re lucky I love you,” Blink scowled.

Mush popped his foot, smiled over his shoulder and batted his eyelashes playfully at Blink who groaned again before opening the door to the hallway.

“I think Race is scheduled for lookout tower duty today with Buttons, but Buttons already told me he has to call off for some reason so if you really want I can put Albert on with him,” Blink said as they headed down the hall back to central command.

“Depends,” Mush said. “Can we watch them make up on the security cameras?”

Blink looked at him incredulously. “Is that even a question?”

Mush jumped up and down and clapped his hands together. “I’ll get the popcorn!”

•••

Albert wheeled himself out of the rickety elevator and over to the door of the lookout tower. Why Blink has decided to put him on lookout tower duty at the last minute was beyond him - he knew it was a pain in the ass for him to get to.

He knocked loudly on the heavy wooden door. He hadn’t quite caught who he was on duty with so he was slightly horrified when a sadly familiar mop of blonde hair peeked out.

“Hey,” he tried to say casually. “Blink put me on duty with you last second, Buttons had a thing.”

Race merely nodded and opened the door, staring at the floor the entire time. He closed it behind Albert and wordlessly went back to his seat in front of the binoculars.

Albert sighed, not looking forward to nearly three hours of this, and wheeled himself over to the other chair - which was much too close to Race for his liking. With practiced ease, he maneuvered himself from his wheelchair into the other chair so that he could use the binoculars. He didn’t miss how Race kept his eyes averted the entire time.

“Who are you covering?” Albert asked almost reluctantly. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear Race’s voice yet.

Thankfully though, Race apparently wasn’t ready to talk yet and he pointed to three moving dots on the computer screen that was built into the tabletop. Race was watching JoJo and Henry, Smalls and Checks, and Finch and Spot, leaving Albert with Specs and Sniper and Mike and Ike.

Lookout tower duty essentially meant that you sat in the tower and kept tabs on the scouts who were out on patrol. They all had trackers on them - a new improvement since Albert’s accident - which transmitted their location to the digitized map on in the table. The scouts could send up a distress signal if they were in range and it was the people in the lookout tower who were responsible for sending them backup or medical assistance. Lookout tower duty also involved keeping tabs on the enemy and alerting the scouts if they got within range. It wasn’t a hard job, but it was generally improved by conversation.

•••

“This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen,” Mush groaned, slamming his head down on the table.

“That’s cause it’s not a movie,” Blink said, checking over some papers. “It’s real life.”

Mush groaned again and flopped onto Blinks shoulder. They had been watching Albert and Race on the security cameras for almost an hour but so far Albert had only said a few sentences and Race hadn’t said anything at all. For once in their lives they were actually doing their work, and merely sitting stiffly and sneaking glances at the other every few minutes. It was enough to make Mush’s head explode.

“Blinkkk,” Mush whined, “why couldn’t you have given them a job where they actually have to interaccttttttt?”

“Look, I told you not to meddle in their love lives,” Blink reminded him. “And this was what Race had. Albert hasn’t really been cleared yet to do stuff that involves interaction.” He paused. “Which you would know, because you’re his doctor.”

Mush whacked him on the arm with his badge.

“Besides,” Blink continued, “this is usually a job that requires talking, I’m surprised they haven’t said anything to each other yet.”

Mush stared at the array of buttons on Blink’s control panel. “Well,” he began sheepishly, “maybe we could contact one of the scout groups and have them send up a distress signal, surely that would get them to talk?’

Blink spun his chair around and gave Mush a cold, hard stare. “No,” he emphasized. “Distress calls are complicated and take a lot of people to answer, and they’re also dangerous. I am not risking the security of this entire operation just so our friends can talk.”

“You’re no fun,” Mush grumbled, shifting in his chair and looking back at the monitor that was displaying the security camera footage. Much to his surprise, Albert was turned slightly toward Race and it appeared that he was about to say something.

Mush leaned over and cranked up the sound. “Finally,” he sighed happily. “Babe, pass the popcorn, its finally getting interesting.”

“We don't have any?”

“Then go grab some. We’re gonna need it.”

•••

It felt like he had been sitting in silence for hours when finally Mike and Ike moved to a different location on the map. Albert reached for his pen to make note, only to discover that it had run out of ink. He groaned internally upon seeing that the pen cup was on Race’s side of the table.

“Hey, uh-”

Race jumped at the sound of Albert’s voice and Albert gave him an expressionless smile.

“Sorry. Could you just, uh, pass me a pen? Mine’s outta ink.”

Race nodded and wordlessly passed him one. Albert couldn’t help but notice the stiff robotic movements he was using - his shoulder was bothering him, and by the looks of it he hadn’t done anything to help it.

Albert opened his mouth, he couldn’t just let Race suffer in silence. Even after he had dumped him, he just couldn’t sit by and watch while he was in pain, it just wasn’t in his nature.

“Race?” Albert asked gently.

Race paused his writing but said nothing.

“Is your shoulder bothering you?” When Race didn’t respond, Albert took it as an invitation to proceed. “You’re holding it weird, and it looks painful. Have you been taking your meds? Do you want me to rub it for you?”

Race sighed, throwing his pen down onto the table and rubbing his temples with his hands. “You shouldn’t still care this much about me, not when I did- I did that to you.” He pointed at Albert’s wheelchair.

“Is that why you left me?” Albert felt anger bubbling up inside him. “You couldn’t own up to your mistakes?”

“No, I-”

“Then why else did you break up with me over a note?” Albert was furious now. “You could have at least done it in person!”

“No you don’t understand! I couldn’t bear to see you like that!” Race’s voice was scratchy - almost as if he hadn’t used it in awhile - and it cracked as he began to yell.

“You didn’t want me because I was disabled?”

“Al I didn’t want it to happen that way, you have to believe me!” Race begged.

“Then why didn’t you ever come see me? I was in the hospital for over a month and you couldn’t drag your sorry ass there to at least pay me a visit!”

“Albert I-”

“No, face it, you didn’t want me because I’m broken now! I’m not good enough for you because I can’t walk anymore, right! Well I’m still the same person, Race! It’s still me! And I still love you, even if you don’t love me!” Albert angrily turned back to his work, blocking out Race’s attempts at an apology.

•••

“MUSH!” Blink shrieked. “Stop this nonsense right now, can’t you see they’re fighting!”

Mush stood, transfixed as he watched Albert and Race scream at each other on the cameras. This had been a bad, bad idea.

“Mush!” Blink yelled again, shaking his arm. “We have to do something here before this gets bad!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m thinking okay?” Mush rubbed his hand across his forehead.

“Well think harder! I don’t wanna deal with blood later!”

Mush sighed, “Blink would you just-”

“Hey Blink could you run- oh hey Mush, what are you guys doing?”

The two of them looked up, utterly startled to see Jack standing in front of them, leaving through a folder of papers.

“Uh, paperwork,” Blink said immediately, picking up the stack of paper closest to him and looking it over casually. Mush followed suit, picking up another stack of paper, only to realize he was holding it upside down.

“Yeah….o kay,” Jack said uncertainly. “I can come back later...alright? I don’t wanna get caught in the middle of your married weirdness.” He backed up a few steps before running down the hallway.

“Paperwork?” Mush asked. “Really?”

Blink rolled his eyes. “Thank me later, let’s just get back to making sure that they don’t kill each other, okay?”

Mush looked at the screen again, and then looked twice. Albert and Race seemed to be, talking? Not screaming?

“Blink wait-” he said. “I think they’re doing it themselves.”

•••

After several long minutes of Race profusely apologizing, Albert had had enough. He had to face the facts: he was still very much in love with the idiot in front of him and he’d be damned if he didn't take this opportunity to make things right.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Albert spoke softly, anxiously twirling his pen in his fingers. “It’s just...I’m tired of there not being an us anymore. Ever since my accident I’ve been so alone. I….fucking hell, I need you Racer.”

“Albie,” Race sighed, staring down at his map, “I need you too. It’s been so painful not being around you. But I don't want to hurt you any more that I already have.”

“Listen, I’m not pointing any fingers because I know that this could have happened to anyone, okay?” Race nodded limply. “You leaving me in the dust like that though? That hurt more than the actual injury, or the surgeries, or the pt.” “Al, I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, physically or emotionally, I just-”

“Oh would you shut up and get over here?” Al interrupted, suddenly very much aware that there was far too much space between them. “I need to hold you.”

Race got up and moved slowly toward Albert, frowning when he patted his lap. “Aren’t I going to hurt you?”

“If you were I wouldn’t be able to feel it,” Albert shrugged. “I can’t feel anything from my hips down.”

“Al, I-”

“Don't you dare say ‘I’m sorry’ it’s not your fault, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good,” Albert smiled, pulling Race onto his lap and sighing in content as he wound his arms around his shoulders.

“God, I missed you so much,” Race sounded close to tears as he nuzzled his face into Albert’s shoulder, breathing in deeply.

“Never leave me again, okay?” Albert whispered, his breath tickling Race’s ear as they melted further into each other.

“Kiss?” Race blushed as he pulled away from Albert slightly.

Albert smiled and pressed a soft kiss onto Race’s lips which he returned, gentle and slow. When their lips broke Race snuggled back into Albert’s shoulder. “Did I kiss it better?” he asked, reaching up to play with the ends of Albert’s hair.

Albert could only describe the emotion that overcame him as love. “Yes,” he breathed contentedly, “yes you did.”

•••

“TAKE THAT!” Mush screamed in excitement, throwing a fist full of popcorn at Blink. “I TOLD YOU MY PLAN WOULD WORK!” He continued his victory dance around his husband as Race and Albert held each other tightly on the cameras.

“Yes, yes,” Blink sighed, picking pieces of popcorn off of his precarious stacks of paperwork. “I’m very proud of you.” “Proud enough for a kiss?” Mush came to a stop in front of Blink, batting his eyelashes dramatically.

“Proud enough for a kiss,” Blink reluctantly agreed, squeaking in surprise when Mush dramatically dipped him, but enjoying his husband’s breathy laughter against his lips.

“Ew.”

The two of them looked up startled to see Romeo, Jack, and Davey staring at them with mixed expressions of disgust painted on their faces. The end of shift bell must have rung without them noticing.

“What are you two up to?” Jack asked suspiciously. “You were being weird when I was over here before too.”

“We got Race and Albert back together!” Mush exclaimed, clapping his hands together excitedly. Three sets of eyes widened. “Look!” Mush said, pointing to the cameras where Race was standing by awkwardly as Albert maneuvered himself back into his chair. The group watched with bated breath as Race leaned down to mush his lips against Albert’s before they exited the watchtower.

“HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?!” Romeo screeched, jumping up and down as he accosted Mush with questions. “I’ve been trying for weeks and it hasn’t worked!”

“I think we should just be happy that they did it,” Davey said, leaning against the wall. “Those two were driving all of us insane.”

“Tell me about it,” Jack sighed. “If i had to hear Race ask one more time how Albert was doing I was gonna punt him off the roof without a second thought.”

Davey glared at him sideways.

“Well, maybe there would have been some second thoughts,” Jack said quickly, trying to backtrack. “You know what? Just forget I said anything.”

“I still can’t believe you managed to get the two of them back together,” Romeo repeated, shaking his head in disbelief. “Those two are more stubborn than a pair of yaks who-”

“AL SLOW DOWN!”

Romeo was interrupted by Albert speeding into command in his wheelchair with Race seated on his lap. The two of them crashed into a wall, sending them flying in a heap of giggles.

“Ah, back to normal already I see,” Davey mused, stepping over the heap of woefully in love boyfriends. “On behalf of us all, may I say: ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME!”

“Jeez Davey,” Race said, pulling himself up to his feet and righting Albert’s chair. “You don't have to be so blunt about it.” He turned to help Albert, who was in the process of trying to get himself up by doing a terribly executed kick up before giving in and accepting Race’s assistance.

“Yes I do,” Davey said, gesturing to Blink and Mush. “If it weren’t for the co captains of romance here, you two would still be hopeless depressed disasters.”

“I’m right here!” Romeo whined.

“Oh no,” Blink said, ignoring Romeo. “It was all Mush, I had nothing to do with it.”

“Oh was it now?” Race said, marching over to Mush with a devilish glint in his eye. “We will be having words later, Dr. Medding In His Patient's Love Lives.”

Mush shrank back in fear.

“C’mon Race,” Albert said, wheeling over. “Leave the man alone, he was just trying to help us. I, for one, am incredibly grateful.”

“See, someone appreciates my efforts,” Mush scowled.

Race shrugged indifferently. “This is still not acceptable. Meet me tonight, three am, behind the supply closet. We’ll settle this the old fashioned way.” He cracked his knuckles for extra emphasis.

Mush scoffed and turned back to Blink as the two of them made their way down the hallway. “Did you see that, babe?” Mush said. “As if they could have gotten back together without my efforts. They’re so- wait, what's this?”

Blink had thrust a few sheets of paper at him while he had been rambling.

“Divorce papers,” he said simply, turning on his heel and walking off down the opposite hallway. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

Mush stared at the papers in his hands for a few long seconds before taking off after his husband.

“LOUIS GET YOUR SORRY ASS BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

______

ah yes yes what good kiddos

feedback is always appreciated hmu to be on the tag list

actually if you dont wanna be on my tag list any more could you let me know cause some of you dont interact with my fics and its a pain in the ass to put the whole thing on 

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[navvigating]

okay y’all im here to rant so thisll probably be a long post

i have known two girls, one who i dont talk to anymore, and the other i still talk to a lot, that act like only they can be mentally ill

yes you have depression, yes thats important. but thats not the only mental illness.

one of these girls, harlie, was a complete bitch. we were friends for almost 3 years. we were so close at one point. shes had depression since she was like 12. i tried to understand, and i stood behind her, helping her when she struggled. her family finally brought her to therapy and she started to get help, which i was happy about.

whenever i said i was anxious or upset or anything, she didnt give a shit. she just ignored me. when she started driving my anxiety kicked into overdrive and i was constantly like “please be careful, i dont want you to get hurt” because i cared about her, she was a person id been close to for years.

she was like “dude shut the fuck up. i know what im doing. stop being so pessimistic” okay first off i cant fucking help it bitch im sorry that i care about you and im worried about you? second, i listened to your bullshit for years and never complained once. depression isnt the only thing in the world theres others that are struggling with things that arent depression so jump off your high horse and open your fucking eyes.

sorry ive been keeping these feelings inside for months since i lost contact with her lol.

okay second girl. similar thing. eva has been struggling with depression for years and has gotten help and gotten antidepressants recently. good for her, glad she got the help she needed.

as with harlie, whenever i say im two seconds away from a breakdown or im angry or just not okay, she just ignores me. and then she has the audacity to be like “are you alright” “why do you always make fun of people for things are u alright”

BITCH NO IM NOT YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE 

i dont even make fun of people i dont understand what she means. we were talking about magazines and she mentioned how the library gave her all of the alternative press magazines they dont use anymore and i was like “have fun with your 2 year old magazines” i said that as a joke but she took that the wrong way i guess

these people are so frustrating 

[pinkvhs]

JSE Ego Content

( UPDATED FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2018 )

this was a post I made as an answer for my friend a while back. Here is a full info dump of everything I know so far when it comes to Seán’s ego stuff. 

Please add on or send me info if you got more. 

Heads up, its a long read. 

Here is a mayhem2k18 master post and Here is another post describing past events too

Mayhem2018 or Mayhem2k18 is also a tag people used this year to talk about the mass ego videos Sean did back in May so there might be more posts there too that I missed!

Egopocalypse is another tag too!

So basically, back in August of 2016 we were first introduced to Marvin the Magnificent during a Jacksepticeye Power Hour. At first these videos were named different titles but Sean changed them to be the introduction videos to his characters. Marvin is a magician video and it ends with him getting frustrated with magic and ends up coloring a cat mask. Thats the only video to this day that we have of him until later in May of 2018 when we got a mask hiding in the background on Sean’s white board both on his Insta story, during the Am I Color Blind video, and on his Twitch stream. However, when someone pointed it out during the stream he went for a bathroom break and when it cut back the mask was gone. Later on in videos like First Winter it is debated if Marvin shows up in a glitch near the end of the video because people have pointed out a shot of him wearing the mask. He also seems to briefly show up in a glitch like form in Try To Fall Asleep along with Jameson Jackson (who I’ll get to in a bit). Its also debated if Marvin is actually powerful since during Sean’s tour it was asked what the egos majored in with college and he said “magicians don’t go to college but maybe literature so he can say some Shakespeare as he sends you into the mirror dimension.”  But again, it is unsure. He is also suppose to have long hair as stated that Sean liked the idea of long hair Marvin over some fanart he saw and during the tour he mentioned that Marvin wanted a haircut for his birthday. The most recent we have seen him November during Sean’s tour he posted a photo of him dressed up as Marvin on his instagram story with a wig and mask a fan gave him

Next is Jackieboy Man, a superhero character who was introduced in July 2016. He has been in videos like south park for game play, however, Sean has said those videos are not canon. It also seems like he shows up in Ninja Sex Party’s music video Cool Patrol and some fans think this is Jackie’s back story but that has yet to be confirmed so it is mostly a fun thing. There is sadly nothing of major or hints of him except for an occasional “Where is Jackieboy Man when you need him?” from Sean during the summer of this year. We don’t know much about him at all he is in a similar boat as Marvin.

Next is Henrik von Schneeplestein or Doctor Schneepletein. He is a doctor character we first saw in September of 2016. When it comes to medical videos like Bio Inc he shows up. He is a German doctor who has a family but there seems to be some issues with that as it was briefly mentioned in his first appearance. In August of 2017, Kill Jacksepticeye was posted and it involves him, Jack, and Antisepticeye. After the events of what seems to be Say Goodbye, Jack is dying and Henrik doesn’t want to lose him again. Henrik is good friends with Jack along with Chase Brody and has saved him before and got Chase help (who I will get to soon). Slowly during that video, Henrik begins to be taken over by Anti. He starts to laugh manically, tries to “hang” himself with his own headphone cords, each time he says antidepressants the word Anti is emphasized and glitches / echoes sounding. More glitches occur on screen both to Henrik as his eye bleeds, voice changes, and begins to beg for us (the viewer) to please help him, “I need your help! Save Jack  Anti “. It ends with Jack dying and Henrik crying out for his friend and it cuts to black. Then Anti appears. Since then, it was months since anyone has heard of Henrik till Sean uploaded a postcard saying Wish You Were here with a beach that can be found in Germany. Then the start of Mayhem 2018 happens with The Doctor is Back . Its a doctor game but “Doctor Jacksepticeye” plays it but the video ends with Henrik opening the door and Jack seeing him asking “Who are you?” and Henrik being angry saying “I am the good doctor and that is MY chair!” and it ending there. Since then we haven’t heard or seen Henrik.

Chase Brody we were introduced to in April of 2017. He is a dad who runs a Dude Perfect like parody channel called Bro Average. He seems like a happy fun dad who is energetic and kind of like a “suh dude” kind of guy. Later in his video we see he is having family issues with his wife and she is taking their kids away from him. It cuts to him sitting down on the phone talking to Stacy, his wife, back to him doing trick shots and playing with nerf guns and a puppet named Chad, then back to him sitting down asking her to “please just let me see the kids”. He briefly gets on the phone with one of his children saying “hi sweetie, daddy loves you “ but getting cut off and him crying (comedically but still). It then cuts to him being passive aggressively angry but still smiling and doing tricks. It ends with him putting a nerf gun to his head and pretending to shoot himself and falls to the ground. However he gets up and is fine at the very end. The next video we hear from his is Stories Untold, at the end of the video we hear him calling out to his friend Jack saying “Jack! Jack! This is Chase…you need to wake up” with the morse code saying “Where Am I”. The know for sure we see him in is May 2018 with TIE, a game about depression. This slowly grows from Jack playing and cuts to him being in Chase’s shirt explaining how his friend is in a coma and how things have been rough for him and he wishes things could go back to how they were “Back to when I was happy. When I had people in my life”. It is also revealed that this whole time we have been watching Chase take over the channel for Jack since he is in a coma.  It then cuts to a live action bit with Chase sitting in a dark candle lit room, sitting alone, face hidden as he drinks many cups whiskey and looks at and old photo (assumed to be his family) and cries. He then walks off leaving his hat on the table and the video ending there. The next video, as confirmed by Robin (Sean’s friend and editor), was Dark Silence.  At the end of the video we see Chase walking around his house with a lighter hearing children’s screams and cries. He walks up the stairs and the whole hallway turns red. Standing in front of him is Anti with his back turned and then slowly turning around. Chase screams out “Where are they?! What do you want from me?!” as Anti walks towards him in a new glitchy way and the video cuts to black. The only recent theory of him being in a recent video was 60 Parsecs with the mentions of Stacy. Sean is also the most excited to go deeper into Chase’s character as talked about recently this year. He was also mentioned in The Watson Scott Test video with the “wake up Ja-” “Ch@se”  and face camera glitches. 

Jameson Jackson is the newest character of his and was introduced in Halloween of 2017. He is a silent film type of character that you would see in old 1920s films with the dialogue appearing on title slides. It starts off with Jack giving his intro and it fading / cutting to him dressed as Jameson or JJ. The video is cheery for the most part and he is carving pumpkins but later on it spirals when he slips and cuts his hand with a knife and is in pain. Anti once again shows up and seems to have possessed him as he makes neck slicing gestures to JJ’s neck, slides saying “watching” “puppets” “smile” “still here”, holding up the knife used to carve the pumpkin, laughing,  and music takes an eery turn. He removes JJ’s mustache while grinning but also cuts back to JJ still having. But then it stops and JJ seems fine and cheery then the video ends with an outro too. As mentioned, he then seems to be in Try To Fall Asleep with Marvin back in May of this year. The next video we have any word of him was Akinator when Sean tried to see if the game would guess JJ. Here we got that JJ is British, but also didn’t get many answers to things such as “is your character a puppet”. Along with glitches in that video too and it ending on a note with Jack screaming into a dark, static, broken septiceye sam tank outro screen. There is also apparently Anti’s laugh at the end too. Its also seems that JJ is mute or has no voice again as stated that for his birthday Jameson wants a voice

AAAANNND for the glitch himself, Antisepticeye. First video back in October 10th of 2016. The concept of Anti has been around awhile, some calling him darksepticeye, but this was the first time Sean actually started to have fun and turn him into a character. During October of 2016 there were many Anti videos in places people today, and even during the time, didn’t think he would be.  [playlist of all October 2016 Anti videos and a few 2017 vids ] However, the major appearance we see him in was Say Goodbye where Jack carves pumpkins and things slowly start being strange like giggling, camera glitches, Jack’s nose bleeding, him hearing footsteps and noises in his house. It escalates where Jack looks dead in the camera and with a shakey hand, slices his neck with a knife and falls dead into the pumpkin. Anti then gains control of Jack’s body and laughs as he reaches out to the camera and it cuts to black with a distant “HELP ME!” yell coming from Jack. It fades to Anti laughing, waving his knife at us and himself as he talks about how Jack is gone forever with it ending “say goodbye”. He then shows up again for a Pax panel opening video in March 2017 called Always Watching. Again, its Jack talking to the people at the panel and the screen starts to glitch and Anti shows up again saying that “he is always there. always watching” till it ends saying “enjoy the show”. This was more of a fun Pax intro than anything but its still an Anti appearance.  August of 2017, Kill Jacksepticeye is when we see him in video next but before that Jack had left pictures and other things leading up to his appearance so we were all on edge. But then again, this is nothing new. Once the screen fades to Anti he says “Who do you think you’ve been watching this entire time? My puppets” and “I wonder what will happen to your favorite boy next time?” meaning, all the other characters are in control of Anti and are his “puppets” and our favorite can die next time we see them again. Next video he is in is Jameson Jackson’s in October 2017  and then Overnight Watch in December 2017. This happened during Jacksepticeye’s Holiday Special charity live stream but Sean pokes fun and denies this ever happened (even though it infact did). From then on we didn’t hear from Anti until May of this year with his full body and completely different appearance in Dark Silence. Leading up to this, its important to note that the colors red & blue are shown throughout mayhem like an indication that yes, this is an ego video. Since before that, Jack(or Chase) wakes up from a nightmare with whispers saying “I remember what he did to me” at the end of Stories Untold and seem to go together due to the noises.  Not too long after Dark Silence, Exiles was uploaded and it has an abrupt Jack showing up on screen confused as to where he is until he finds out he is in the hospital. It ends abruptly with Jack staring blank in the camera, his eyes and mouth opened and gasping for air as blood runs down his eyes with whispers saying “you did this its all your fault” and the ending screen is Sam covered in red light playing in reverse while a siren goes off and some think its an evacuation or warning siren . Shortly after that First Winter is uploaded and close to the middle of the playthrough it shows a dead Jack looking at the camera with blood still running down his face along with a door opening. There was also added Anti bits in the audio that some believe he is saying “Let me out ” along with other things that were not part of the game audio. Close to the end of the game, Jack expresses how “he has never been happier to be home” when even more Anti glitches happen and it seems like a body is walking behind him.  Now the most recent Anti appearances are from Transference of September 21st, 2018 . The first video there was nothing (from what I know of) but the second video there are plenty of hidden Dark Silence Anti moments that are VERY hard to spot the first time viewing. He was then brought back with Three Scary Games 1 Video. There are Many glitches  that  happened in face camera and an eerily similar pitched voice is spoken. There was also a glitch transition in Four Scary Games 1 Video. He was also mentioned in The Watson Scott Test video with the face camera glitches and as mentioned the text of the game being manipulated (thanks Robin). The Next Anti video is from December 1st with Umfend (also titles Time Is Broken..subtle) it has glitches once again and with a very ominous “Do you remember?”. The most recent, December 7th 2018 is where at the end of Sally Face Chapter 4 part 1 with the Sam ending screen being completely glitched out and having distorted audio  (also wanting us to watch to the end)

Some other mentions are:

Sean changing the FNAF Sister Location video titles back in August of 2018 and how the description has been this from the start

Sean changing his twitter header to Anti after Dark Silence

Some skeptical connections with Chase and some other Power Hours

Sean possibly hinting the First Winter video since the first Stories Untold video. He has done date hinting in thumbnails in the past.

Comparisons to Anti now and other Anti videos  

Sean reblogged this post with Chase and Anti involving Dark Silence 

There is also connections with Jack’s fears and Anti where Sean talked about his fears during the Visage play through 

Sean has also said that we have missed some things in his videos before and that alone is enough to make me want to commit perish

There was no major video of Antisepticeye on Halloween 2018 or another Jameson Jackson video

Sean does want to make more ego content and is excited about it. He talked about it during a Reading Your Comments video  late November of 2018

SO OVERALL