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bronx-bomber87 · 5 months

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Hello my wonderful fandom :) Thank you for all your lovely comments on me being delayed. Not my usual M.O. but I definitely needed the extra time to process. I was GUTTED and absolutely wrecked. Poor D had to deal with my panic spiral for most of Wednesday. (love you lol) I'll be honest I'm still little shook up and sad. Kinda grateful for the 3 week break tbh between episodes. This was a gut punch I wasn't in the least expecting. Hoping we'll get a S7 announcement during this hiatus. *fingers crossed* Get it together ABC. This took me awhile to unpack emotionally so thank you all again for being so patient.

So I want to preface this post. There will be ZERO And I mean ZERO bashing of Tim in this review from me. Would appreciate that in comments as well. I love conversation you know I love comments. What I don't like is hate being spread. Also nothing on Eric either. I've also seen this which is utter madness. Don't touch our captain. Man loves this fandom so much. Deserves respect. If you came to this review for either of those things please promptly exit stage left. I mean that in the kindest way possible but I love Tim/Eric so it's a non starter with me.

I’ve never so deeply related with a character in all my life as I have with Tim Bradford. I’ll be dissecting this ep to best of my ability. I love both these characters so very much. Why I was knocked out for a couple days before could tackle this. I imagine my thoughts will change when I do my summer in depth one. When we have the rest of the season in pocket. I have to say this won't be mini at all. LOL So lets get rid of that concept right now ha I can't be mini with this ep. I am not brief so thanks for reading. Also hats off to Eric my god he was incredible in this episode. Melissa too killing me left, right and center you two. Let us get started.

6x06 Secret and Lies.

Poor Lucy looks like me when I’m stressed and drained af. Tamara asking how stressed she currently is? Lucy answering 19.....She looks like a 19 if not worse tbh. This is probably the most time they've spent apart since they got together. Basically living together at this point let's be honest. Other than 6x01 they haven't really spent time apart aside from that UC op in 5x21. *sigh*

Tamara asking if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy trying so hard to keep it together with her answer. My heart. What a wreck she is without Tim. Do love that we get to see her pin-up board btw. Good shot of her room we don’t usually get. That cupcake poster I love it so much. Although now it makes me sad...

Lucy asking what's wrong? Tamara telling her she wants to move out with some friends from school. Crap. Her moving is the last thing she needs…. But it's good for her even though the idea makes me sad. End of an era. Lucy is right she needs to live with people her own age. Doesn’t make it hurt less though. This is a ROUGH season for Lucy my god. The hits keep coming for our girl and I wanna hug her. Shield her somehow....

Lucy touching near her tattoo when she reaches Angela. (Mini gut punch.) I do love her coming to Angela about this. If there is anyone who knows Tim like she does it's Angela. Does help she finds his behavior alarming too. I mean of course she does. You can see the immediate worry. The empathy she has for Lucy is there but she holds her cards close in her advice. Telling her to trust him even though it's literally killing her. Not the council Lucy needed to hear or was looking for.

Lucy wanted more action than 'Just wait and trust him.' She has been trusting him but she’s so insanely worried. Going out of her mind with anxiety for her person. It's exuding out of of her and she looks like she wants to cry…Ugh me too Lucy. I’m an empath and an anxious one at that. I would be going out of my mind too…. Angela looks worried as hell though. Even though she isn't conveying that to Lucy at this point. Breaking my heart as she takes off from their convo. Because if she doesn't she'll lose it right then and there.

God I love Angela Lopez. First off well done on tracking him down. She's just a bad ass. I mean it's one of the reason's Lucy reached out to her tbh. Just gets into his car, drinking his soda, calling him out right away. I love her reasoning saying she can live off Wesley’s trust fund. Lmao. Doesn’t matter as much if she get's fired. 'Wine o'clock.' for her. Gotta love the confidence. I truly hope we get more Tim/Angela scenes the rest of this season. I always adore their dynamic.

Tim is sold on her reasoning and starts to explain the current situation he's trapped in. Angela taking it all in and assessing everything as he explains. Once Tim has succinctly summed up his current predicament Angela's reply is the best. 'I’m in.' lmao I love this woman. ‘I got your back boo.’ That she does. In more ways than he even realizes at this point.

Gotta commend Angela calling him out for walking away from Lucy. Not only that but his job to arrest a guy hasn’t thought of in a decade…. Ain’t no one better than her to be there to call him out his crap right now. Not only that but to really dig deep. To know this is far more than what he's sharing. This is why Angela is an incredible detective rooting things out like this. Saying this is more than just protecting Lucy. Her intuition is out of this world.

I mean she's not wrong. Lucy would understand if it was just about the benefits. She would be proud really. Thing is it's about protecting himself too. Which really just scratches the surface of why he is doing this. Tim knows he's caught even if he shrugs it off. She has him dead to rights and he knows it. 'I’m your BFF. I know you.' Ha it’s true whether you like it or not Timothy…Just like Lucy she has your number.

Angela giving him crap with how they're following Ray. Worried he isn't being smart about this. This is so unlike him to be this sloppy and unfocused. She was right he was tailing too close… Ray catches on to their tail quickly. When he scanned the vehicle made me so nervous. Doing it while he's taunting Tim. He's so detail oriented blows my mind Tim let that get by him. This SL gave me such MASSIVE anxiety as I watched it. Oh my lord.

The minute they get back to Angela's place she calls him out once again. Asking why he thinks this is ALL his fault? Tim shrugs it off and she refuses to take that as his final answer. Of course Angela was right there is far more to this story. Tim finally opens up to her about what happened. He had been leading his squadron for some time. Looking to move up to Sergeant.

The catch was he couldn’t be promoted if there was rampant criminality in his unit. Ray clearly was in the way of him moving up. Tim figured he could keep it within his unit if they went after him.. Oh Tim…. It was an unsanctioned mission too. Thinking if he could accomplish this would be easy fast track to his promotion.

Kills me to know he was there during the air strike ugh… Details missing from the last episode. The Humvee saved him and Mark but not his other men… I can't imagine what Tim felt in that moment. The immense amount of guilt laid on his soul from here on out. I mean it makes sense why he never left patrol before Lucy. The last time he tried to advance his career this happened. My broken boy.

Eric CRUSHES this scene. I wanna cry. My poor Timothy. He was more focused more on his career than his oath...Got two of his men killed. My damn heart. He’s so ashamed of himself. The way he points at himself when he says 'leadership.' I knew his military past would be dark but holy crap. I wanted more of his backstory and they delivered that in spades. What a gut punch this had to be for him. No doubt his men were loyal af to him. Would've followed him anywhere and did.

He carries leading those men to their deaths because they followed his leadership. Oof. That is quite the weight to keep on your soul. Also gives us insight to why he shoulders everything. Even when he doesn't have to. Punishing himself for past transgressions such as this. I'm sure when we get to the other side of this season, I will have an even deeper respect for the writers going into his backstory like this. Giving us even more insight to this man.

This hurts so good to get this kind of info. I have no doubt that’s why he shut Lucy out. The shame he feels is overwhelming. I totally get it. Nothing scarier than someone knowing your darkest secrets. Not only that but worrying they’ll think less of you due to it. Tim already struggles with self loathing. Been a theme for him his entire arc on this series. Something I've touched on a lot. This is truly bringing that to light in the most painful way.

We see Ray scanned Tim's car in order to gain access to it. To check his GPS to see where he's been. How he's been tracking him. When he scrolls down to Lucy's address. Made my stomach sink. Legit felt sick to my stomach....

I do love Lucy coming home and having Tamara there. Saying she ordered pizza for them. This is exactly what she needs. Do you really have to go Tamara? I wonder if she'll delay leaving now after this ep. There is a knock at the door and of course it's not the pizza. It's Ray. Hair's on the back of my neck stood up from the moment he entered that apt.

I know Melissa stated in her interview she was nervous about this scene. That she came off awkward in her anger. You are incorrect madam. Holy hell Lucy is a BAMF. Telling him the only call she's gonna make is for the ambulance. Because when she's done with him he's going to need it to wheel him out. Holds her ground like the confident bad ass we've all loved seeing her become.

Lucy calling him shaking and demanding where he was. Ooh lord hell fire coming with her through that front door. I love Angela grabbing Tamara to another room. Like let's go mom and dad are about to have a big blow out. Let's give them some space...

Tim asking if she's ok? Truly concerned but Lucy isn't having ANY of it. 'Do I look ok?' Damn no she doesn't....Ripping into him saying how that creep could've showed up when she wasn't there. Lucy is not wrong....Oh my lord I’ve never seen her so damn mad. She is RAGING at him and rightfully so. Her home was violated, Tamara was put in danger and threatened. All because Tim was trying to protect her. phew.

Tim FINALLY concedes to telling her something. It only seems to enrage her more. She is literally vibrating with anger in this scene with him. The more he tells her the more it doesn't explain why he left her in the dark. Lucy begging him to read her in. I mean she has earned that my love. ..Telling him to stop protecting her. Gah Tim is a deep loyalist who would protect anyone he loves even if it's not the right thing. His reply is a reflection of that.

'I can't. I won't.' He's so driven to keep her safe. His instinct is to protect her but doesn't see he's hurting her in the process. I knew she was going to be pissed he let Angela in and not her. But Tim was right she has a lot less to lose. Which doesn't seem pertinent in this moment...I do love her placing her hands on his when she also replies. 'I can't. I won't.'

Mirroring his words from moments ago. Just like he will never stop protecting her. Lucy will never stop fighting for him or longing to help him. That man is her entire world. The most important person in her life. It makes perfect sense she would help with this. Career be damned. I mean she risked her career to get him a shot at Metro. Of course she would do the same thing in order to shoulder his burden with him.

Love her standing her ground in this moment. Like damnit I love you and you are going to let me in. Whether you like it or not I am here and I'm going to help. If this wasn't a reflection of the communication problems that still painfully exist between them I don't know what is. I mean she tried to be patient and trust him. But honestly he needed this kick in the ass to let her in. Which is a problem. Lucy needs to be the first person he goes to. It shouldn't have to come to this. *sigh*

Their OP goes off without a hitch. Except Ray saying he was going to be an air strike on Tim's life.... God I had no idea as I was watching that scene how true it would be. Tim gets his interview and lies to protect Angela and Lucy. While keeping his own job intact as well. Also welcome back to Jackson’s dad. Hello there Percy. This is not how I wanted to see him again.

But he is IA him returning was never gonna be a good thing tbh in a post Jackson world. Regardless it was nice to see him again. The scene is Grey's office is ROUGH. Never seen Wade so disappointed in Tim. It hurts to watch. Just like this entire gut punch of an episode. Tim is just standing there in utter shame of everything. Ashamed Wade is looking at him like this.

Kills me Grey has to inform Pine of what he did. It makes sense he has to but damn that sucks. The amount of respect Tim has for Wade is immense. To watch him tear Tim apart and just stand there like a puppy being scolded hurts my soul. Especially when he tries to fight Pine knowing. Just dismissing him without further comment or argument...

So I will say this and it's not at all fair to Lucy that I thought this I'm sure. But I felt like if there was gonna be a breakup it would be coming from her. Not Tim in this moment. That's the part of this moment that really knocked the wind out of me. She had every damn right to be the one too btw. Instead she is there waiting for him with open arms. Honestly I took a breath for the first time this entire episode when she welcomed him in.

Wrapping him up in her arms. Encasing him, rubbing his back, her fingers in his hair. Gently cradling him against her. I thought ok maybe we'll be alright. Since Lucy isn't nearly as angry as she was earlier. Maybe they can get through this together. Cause she loved on him regardless of what happened. The unconditional love she has for this man blows me away. I honestly thought with her loving on him maybe they'd make it out. That they’d work through it together.

Tim looks so very defeated. On the verge of an actual breakdown as he explains that he lied about everything. Saying it saved his job...protected Angela and her. It doesn't seem like enough of a win to him. He looks so very destroyed and this is just the beginning of his downward spiral.

Lucy is doing everything to be his rock in this moment. To assuage him of his guilt… Most vulnerable ever seen Tim *pre tears*…. Lucy telling him it was an impossible situation. She would've done the same thing. It’s so very clear she was willing to work through this. To build them back to where they were before he got that phone call. Everything Lucy was in this scene represented her unconditional love for him. Tim is just too destroyed at the moment to see it….Also for him to accept it. It's so hard to truly accept unconditional love if you've never had it before. To truly trust in it.

Lucy is watching him spiral out of control. The way he's talking about himself with such loathing. How she never would've been in a place where she put her self interest over her team like him. She is trying her damndest to right his wrong. But Tim is having none of it. It pains me to see it... Pains Lucy too. It's the way she grabs onto him while he continues his verbal self flogging that get's me.

Trying to ground him in this moment with her touch. Bring him back to her. Something that has worked so well in the past. Sadly not having the intended affect this time around. Tim is too damn gone at this point. He feels he’s betrayed everything he thought he was. THOUGHT he was. *heart clutch* Tim has such a deep moral compass. That's why this is rocking him so very much. Ugh my heart. I too have a crazy deep moral compass. I can't say I wouldn't be spiraling out like him as well.

This was his greatest sin brought to light. To Tim exposing him for the fraud he feels he is. Him saying he's been lying to himself for a long time is a reflection of this. That imposter syndrome coming out real strong here. Something he buried deep down came rushing to the forefront and he is imploding. Says as much above. He no longer feels worthy to be in her life now. I get this anytime I screw up with a friend or my sister. I have this deep sense of shame attached to it. Like I no longer deserve that friend or my sister cause I messed up or if a past sin comes up. That they'll no longer love me or will forever look at me differently cause of it.

It's not logical but it's deeply ingrained from my mom shaming me for doing anything wrong growing up. As it is for Tim. His father literally beat the hell out of him for ever being out of line. He has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Unless confronted and treated comes out like this. Demons making their way to the surface. I was bawling by the time he said 'I'm sorry.' He’s never seen himself worthy of Lucy’s love that much has always been evident. But to see it this raw and visceral ripped my heart out. It’s on the ground where they're both standing.

I think this is something that has been brewing in the background for Tim for a long time. Now that I've had time away to decompress and think. I'm actually very excited they're tackling this. It's clear Tim is not in a place where he thinks he deserves her anymore. Low key never has been. He acts before he thinks. Eric had a great quote from his interview about Tim "He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through, and it can come out a bit too strong.” That is this decision in a nutshell. He feels he is a burden therefore he is removing himself without thinking it through. The regret that is going to come with this is going to be immense for him.

'You deserve so much better.' Better than me basically. He feels immense shame and that shame is launching him away from her. You know I learned something in therapy about this. About not being perfect and feeling like I'm too much. i.e. a burden. My therapist told me and it made me cry. 'You are worthy of the space you take up in people's lives. They want you there.' Tim does not think he is worthy of the space he is taking up in Lucy's life now. All his sins on the table laid out for her to see. He can't handle it. That much is very clear here. I will say I haven’t let a ship hurt me like this in a long time.

This absolutely crushed me. I couldn't even fathom assembling my thoughts. Cut me very deep. Been with this ship since day one. Also what a crushing blow this is for Lucy. Our poor girl. I mean she gave everything to this relationship. I mean EVERYTHING. She was all in from the moment Tim said ‘Unless it is.’ This was her first real relationship. First real leap into being serious. Thinking about marriage and kids. She gave her all to Tim my god. Her career took a hit for him and she never complained. Knew he was worth it (he still is btw) Fought every step of the way for him. For them.

When he was pulling back above it was an absolute panic for her. She could see him slipping through her fingers. Idk what broke my heart more Tim thinking he’s not worthy of her any longer or her begging him not to do this. She literally can't fathom how he can let go of her like this. Thought she was his person. Tim feels he’s gone back to who he was pre-Lucy and that scares him. He feels undeserving of the love she has to give him. Lucy knows everything and in his mind he can’t imagine her still loving him.

Lucy was as we all were in this scene. In disbelief... Even though Tim put her though absolute hell she was still there to comfort and support him. Because to her he is worth it even in the hard times. We all know Tim isn’t the best with his emotions. In his trauma damaged brain he thinks he’s doing the right thing here. That he’s radioactive, she deserves better than being around him and his reckless behavior.

The kiss on her head. Lucy trying to physically push away his rejection. Stomping all over my damn heart...However this ends up playing out Tim is going to have to address his emotional instability. How he charges forward and doesn’t think things through. Ruled by his emotions in the worst way. He’s impulsive and he’s gonna have to fight to get her back when he’s in a better mindset. Her trust has been obliterated by this. She fought and clawed for them and this was her reward. He’s gonna have to do some serious healing to get back to her. Lucy has loved him the best she can but he needs to put in some work now. We see next ep he's meeting with Aaron's therapist. Don't love that but I’ve wanted Tim to go to therapy for years. He needs this. Therapy doesn’t work unless you put the effort in though.

That will be a challenge for him. When I get out of the purview of this hurt I’m feeling...I’m actually going to be really impressed and happy they had Tim go through this. Do I think this is the end of them? No I think this is some serious growing pains. It was issues that have been percolating since Lucy did that 5 player trade. Hell probably back in 5x12 when Tim sacrificed himself without telling her so they could stay together. I still think that was romantic because of it's intended nature. BUT was the beginning of the communication problems. They’ve grown so very much in that regard. We’ve seen it but there is still work to be done on that front. It just came to a very gutting painful head.

I still have faith in the writers. I still have faith they’ll be ok. It might not be right away and I'm already feeling impatient tbh. But this is some serious realism being applied to them. It wasn't some random BS angst. Honestly we’re lucky our ship gets the most attention, the best SL’s and two people who LOVE these characters. They absolutely adore them and this ship. If you haven’t read Melissa and Eric’s interviews for this episode I highly recommend. This sucks right now. No two ways about it. But we will survive this storm. They’ll come out stronger than ever. Truly believe that. But for now let's rally around each other and get through this together. There will be brighter days ahead just doesn't feel like it right now. We got this.

~~~

Side notes non Chenford.

Do love Aaron working with Harper all if of all I cared about other than their SL in this one. Nolan's I fast forwarded which I normally don't do but I had no patience for his BS in this ep lol My anxiety was rampant in this ep and had no space for him.

Also RIP Metro Tim for the 6x07 promo. This hurts to see not just cause I enjoyed him in that outfit lol But to see his career take a nosedive like this. I wanted more Tim back story. Didn’t think would hurt like this though....Feel free to comment I love you all for any interaction I get with these. <3

#Caitlin mini reviews #chenford #s6 #the rookie 6x06 #6x06 Secret and Lies #otp: unless it is #otp: doing my job #the rookie #tim x lucy #tim bradford #lucy chen #lucy x tim #eric winter #melissa o'neil #tim bradford x lucy chen

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irismoon94 · 2 years

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insufferably yours

Eddie Munson x Female!Reader

Summary: In which you hate your roommate, Eddie Munson, and he seems to have it out for you.

Which fucking sucks since you're snowed in together during a sudden blizzard.

It can't be that bad though, can it?

Word count: 6.7k

Warnings: Smut, 18+, minors DNI! enemies to lovers, rough sex, dubcon fantasy, mild bloodplay, mild cumplay, explicit language, face slapping, biting, scratching, pet names, femdom with a bit of switching.

A/N: I’m trying to work on a Kas!Eddie fic, but she a big bitch and this idea wormed it’s way into my little head after my friend came up with the prompt. My first little foray into enemies to lovers and tbh I really enjoyed it.

Part two | Part three chapter one | Part three chapter two coming soon

Masterlist of my other works

——

You hated each other. There was no way around it. But your lease wasn’t up for another eight months, and subleasing was not something you could manage right now, so you fucking dealt with him and his fucking bullshit.

You dealt with the stink of weed that seemed to radiate from his room no matter how much air freshener you sprayed in the hallway to try and keep it at bay. You dealt with the heavy metal music he played at a volume level that wouldn’t get him kicked out but was still loud enough to grate at your nerves while you were trying to sleep and his insomnia was keeping him up at ungodly hours. You dealt with his snarky fucking attitude he seemed to wear like one of his band tees, abrasive and off putting, whenever you had the misfortune of having to talk to him about rent or chores, or the occasional suggestion that he wear the headphones that he literally had resting on top of his piece of junk tape deck and never seemed to use.

You dealt with all of Eddie’s stupid fucking habits and character traits that made you want to pull out your hair at any given moment, and you were counting down the days until you were able to move out and into your own place that you were desperately saving up for.

But today, he was well and truly testing the limits of your patience and it was beginning to feel like he was doing it intentionally. Like he blamed you for the sudden blizzard that had snowed in Indy for the past couple of days, and it was your fault that the two of you were forced to be in proximity to each other until it blew over. That damned music thudded through the wall you shared, and every time he left his room, he would leave his door open so it sounded just a bit louder until he returned and slammed the door closed again.

You tried to be cordial at first, knocking on his door and asking in a polite but loud voice to turn it down a bit so you could try and at least focus on your biology paper while there wasn’t much else to do, but whether or not he heard your request, he didn’t oblige and his music remained at the same volume. You’d scoffed and smacked the door angrily before heading back to your room and doing what he refused to do instead, popping a cassette into your walkman and pulling on your headphones to try and block out the noise in the meantime. Turning up the volume as loud as you could bear and cover the background noise, you got to work on your essay.

———

Two hours later, after explaining three of the seven stages of mitosis, you could feel the start of a headache beginning to squeeze behind your eyes and you took it as a sign that you needed a break. Mindful of the cords, you leaned back in your chair and reached your arms above your head in a stretch before pulling the headphones down to hang around your neck. You rolled your eyes when you heard the music coming from Eddie’s room was still just as loud as it had been since that morning. Changing out the cassette tape and replacing your headphones over your ears, you ventured out to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and some Excedrin to try and knock out the headache before it could grow into a migraine.

Popping the white pills and chasing it with a generous swallow of icy water, you leaned against the kitchen counter for a moment to glare at Eddie’s door, trying to think of an idea of how to secretly get back at your roommate for being such a massive dick while the two of you were trapped in your apartment. Your plans were interrupted when his door suddenly swung open to reveal him glaring at a notebook with such intensity, you couldn’t help but wonder what could possibly be on its pages that made him look so frustrated. He drifted forward, doing a double take when he noticed you occupying the kitchen already, watching him suspiciously. He gave a small smirk before clapping the notebook shut and saying something that you weren’t able to hear over Billy Idol’s Eyes Without a Face.

“Wait, hold on, a second, Jesus.”, you said, tugging your headphones around your neck again irritatedly before asking him, “Now what did you say, Munson?”

“I said, ‘What, you don’t like Black Sabbath or something, Princess?’”, he repeated, smirk widening at your visible distaste for the pet name he’d given you after one of your first disagreements.

“Don’t really care who you’re listening to, but it’s a little frustrating when it’s so loud I can’t even hear myself think, Munson. Some of us have things to do that require the utmost concentration, something that is difficult to achieve when their walls are shaking.”, you said with sneer. “I still don’t understand how we’ve yet to receive any noise complaints from the neighbors.”

“Careful room selection.”, he replied, smugly.

“Huh?”, you asked, not caring to hide your confusion at his vague statement.

“Careful. Room. Selection.”, he repeated, punctuating each word like you were stupid, earning himself a sharp glare before explaining further. “It’s not that difficult, Princess. We have a corner apartment, and my room is in said corner, with plenty of buffer space between it and the walls we share with the neighbors.”

You narrowed your eyes at him in disbelief.

“Did you seriously just call my room ‘buffer space’, you fucking moron?”, you spat incredulously.

Instead of answering, Eddie merely tilted his head up so he was looking down his nose at you, the shit eating look on his face only growing increasingly more arrogant.

The urge to say something particularly hateful rose in your mind, but you quickly clamped your mouth closed and stared him down instead. You’d already given him more than enough satisfaction at the knowledge that he’d successfully gotten under your skin so easily, and you weren’t about to give him anymore. His brand of emotional terrorism combined with the throbbing in your skull was a potent mixture that had your blood boiling to the point of you considering physical violence as well, so you gave him a tight lipped smile before skirting past him and back into your room.

Slamming your door, you threw yourself onto your bed and grabbed a pillow, shoving your face into it before letting out a muffled, frustrated scream that left your throat a little ragged. It helped soothe your nerves a bit, but your head pulsated painfully as well, sapping you of the energy to remain as mad as you’d been just a few moments ago. Rolling over onto your back, you stared up at the ceiling as you heard Eddie return to his own room as well, his door closing more gently than yours had.

To your surprise and begrudging appreciation, you heard the song that had been playing lower in volume, though not by much. But it was enough to make it so you could listen to your own music at a more tolerable level as well. Deciding a nap was needed to quell the budding migraine making its home in your temple, you switched off your lamps and pulled your curtains closed against the watery winter light before settling under your covers and closing your eyes as Andante, Andante started to play softly in your ears.

———

A few hours later, you woke up in a haze, feeling heavy and warm under your blankets, and delighted to find the headache gone as your consciousness slowly returned to you. You quickly realized your headphones had gone askew on your head when you heard the increasingly familiar bass line of Holy Diver coming through the walls. You let out a heavy sigh, but resigned yourself to deal with it, since out of all of Eddie’s band preferences, Dio was the most tolerable.

Snuggling further into your blankets, you hummed at the pleasant cocoon of warmth around you, more than complacent to remain in it for a while yet and maybe even doze off again should sleep come over you again. Certainly wouldn't hurt with odd hours Eddie had been keeping anyways, you being an unwilling victim of his sleeplessness as well.

A spark of irritation ignited in you at the realization that your roommate was beginning to occupy your thoughts more often than you'd prefer as of late, making your cheeks warm in exasperation. It was annoying if you were honest with yourself, that of all the men in your life, Eddie Munson, douchebag extraordinaire, was the one you were thinking about on a frequent enough basis that you should probably consider it a problem.

Not that you thought about him in that way. Well. Maybe a couple times. But only when you’d been wine drunk and alone because he was out of the apartment playing with his band or playing that dumb tabletop game that you overheard him talk about on the phone with his friends when they were planning a game night. But that was besides the point, because you hate him, and even you were allowed to have a couple lapses of judgment from time to time.

The couple of fantasies you’d had were more out of desire to put him in place, maybe humiliate him a little while you took physical and emotional satisfaction from it. It wouldn’t be nice, it would be mean and rough, and it would probably leave you both bruised and maybe a little bloody.

The thought made you shiver.

It only took you a second to decide that his music was still loud enough before you were sliding your hand under your sweatpants and underwear to where a different sort of ache had begun to grow in you. You found yourself already a little wet when your fingers slipped between your folds, the contact making you gasp quietly and your thighs clench around your hand as you spread your slick around your clit. Using your two middle fingers, you drew tight circles around the bundle of nerves, little jolts of pleasure running through your limbs. You closed your eyes and sighed as you continued the motions, imagining dark eyes framed by dark waves watching you, that arrogant smirk plastered on his stupidly pretty mouth, making you bite back a moan.

“Fucking-hah-hate you, Eddie. Hate you-mmmn-so much.”, you murmured with a shuddering breath, your body already starting to go taut as you saw him laugh at you darkly behind your eyelids.

You could feel how soaked your fingers were becoming so quickly, and it only urged your frustrations on further, amping up your need for release as well. Pressing your fingers into yourself, you used your other hand to grab at your tit, lifting your shirt and squeezing it, pinching the nipple roughly as you continued to fantasize about his searing gaze on you while he watched you fuck yourself out of loathing for him. It was so fucking wrong, but, God, if it didn’t make you hotter than you’ve ever felt before.

The reverie continued on, the scene changing into one where you had him cuffed to your headboard with the pair of handcuffs you’d spotted on more than one occasion when you’d managed a peek inside when his door was open. He was glaring up at you while you straddled him, silent fury pouring off of him in waves since you’d duct taped his mouth shut as well.

“Silence suits you so well, Eddie.”, you purred at him, rubbing your thumb across the smooth silver tape gag. “Should have done this ages ago.”

You could practically hear the fuck you he was no doubt screaming at you internally. It only spurred you on further. Fisting his shirt in both of your hands, you pulled them apart quickly, the soft fabric ripping until the pale skin of his chest was revealed, the dark ink of his tattoos stark against his flesh. A muffled sound of protest sounded in his throat at the destruction of his tee, making you grin down at him triumphantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you like this shirt? Should have spoken up sooner, I guess, huh?”, you taunted as you pulled the shredded article apart to further expose his torso.

Starting at his navel, you dragged a light finger tip up his stomach and chest before laying your hand over his heart, feeling the quickened beats thump up against your palm. You raised your brows at him suggestively before you dug your nails into his skin and raked them down his chest, leaving angry red welts along the way, one of them with his nipple in path.

He gave another muffled shout as he uselessly tried to pull back from the assault, his chest caving in slightly while his shoulders pulled towards his ears, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. You giggled, leaning down and licking the salt from his cheeks while you rolled your hips against him, feeling how his own canted up slightly to meet yours.

“Ohhh, did pretty boy like that?”, you cooed down at him, noting the way his eyes glinted dangerously, anger still darkening their depths, but a hint of lust swirling around in them as well. “What do you think, sweetheart? If I took off your gag, would you beg me for it, I wonder?”

Outside of the fantasy, you released your nipple and reached towards your nightstand, pulling open the drawer to retrieve your dildo as your orgasm hovered just out of reach, the need to be filled prompting the use of your toy. You were a slave to your lust in this moment, your focus so entirely on your pleasure that you didn’t hear the door down the hall open again as a slutty moan escaped your lips while you teased your clit with the soft silicone.

Your imagination saw you caressing Eddie’s face in a facsimile of affection before you were pinching his cheeks between your fingers so you could hold him in place as you ground yourself against the growingly evident hard on pressing against your clothed cunt.

“What about it, Eddie? Do you want to feel what it’s like to be inside me? You wanna know how good it’ll feel to be buried inside me while I ride you until I come? But not you, you won’t be allowed to come until I say so, yeah?”

You watched as his expression of hatred grew colder for a few beats before it wavered just a fraction as he considered your offer, giving you all the indication you needed to know his resolve had crumbled enough to give him the chance to speak for himself. Grabbing the edge of the tape, you peeled it ever so slightly up, pulling it little by little until the corner of his mouth appeared, the line of it downturned in a soft grimace. You were gentle in your removal of the gag, or you were until you reached the middle of those plush lips and then you ripped the rest of it off in one quick movement, earning a sharp hiss from between bared teeth.

“MotherFUCKER!”, Eddie snarled, blood beginning to rise to the places where the tape had ripped the tender skin of his lips. “What the hell-”

Before he could hurl anymore profanities at you, you dove in for a taste of the crimson, sucking his bottom lips between yours and pulling it taut between your teeth as iron and salt flooded your tastebuds. His hips bucked under yours again, making you grin as you sat back on his lap with his blood coating your mouth like lipstick. You licked them clean while his eyes turned nearly black as they bored into yours.

“Alright Eds, either you can be quiet and obedient, or I can tape your mouth back up, okay? So what’s it gonna be? You gonna be a good little boy for me? Or do I need to punish you some more?”

His mouth opened for a beat before he closed it again, finally understanding his choices were slim.

“Mmm, that is a good boy. Though if I’m honest, I was hoping I might get to punish you a little more. Oh well, the day’s not over yet, is it?”, you bemoaned, sliding off of his lap and onto his shins, the feeling of his eyes on you as you unbuttoned his jeans. “Now then, let's see what we’re working with, huh?”

You had no idea what Eddie’s dick actually looked like, but something about his tall and lanky stature certainly translated to your imagined idea of what it might look like. Long with average girth, uncircumcised with a head as pretty of a red as his lips were when they were all flushed. Free of his boxers, it bobbed in front of your face before it lay twitching on his stomach, eager to be touched. It was enough to make your mouth water as you took in the sight of his nearly completely bare under you, as desperate for you fuck him as he was to hurt you for humiliating you. Leaning towards it, you blew on it softly, making it jerk upwards in response. You heard the stifled groan he bit back, not entirely willing yet to let you see exactly how much you were affecting him.

Crawling back over top of him, you shimmied off your panties, your shirt remaining so as to not give him any more satisfaction than he would be getting from you using him for your own pleasure. He was lucky you were even using him to begin with. Reaching between you, you grasped his cock, smearing the precome that had beaded at the tip around the head before rubbing your cunt against it to further lubricate it. Satisfied with your work, you glanced back up at him, smiling poisonously at how he stared at you greedily.

“Look at you, so hungry for it, aren’t you?”, you taunted before lowering yourself onto him, the length of him slowly engulfed in the clutch of your sex.

“Oh fuck.”, you moaned, pushing the soaked dildo into your pussy as you pictured Eddie’s bottoming out inside you. “Fucking hell, Eddie.”

“Well, well, well, what do we have, huh, Princess?”, a voice asked, cutting through your thoughts like a razor sharp knife.

Red hot shame seared through you as your eyes snapped open to find Eddie staring at you with a mix of surprise and entertainment on his face, his arms crossed as he leaned his shoulder against your door frame. Your cheeks flamed in shame and anger as well, as you held your blanket to your chest and sat up, flinging your pillow at his head. He blocked easily against it, holding up an arm and knocking it to the floor with a small cackle.

“Ed- Munson, what the fuck?! What are you doing just barging in here like that? Ever heard of knocking?”, you screeched at him, pulling your shirt back over your tits and glaring daggers at him, hoping they might become tangible and actually kill him.

He rolled his eyes hard, taking a few steps further into your room with a sardonic smile.

“Oh, cut the shit, sweetheart. I’m not the one who was moaning loud enough for the neighbors to hear with their door unlocked for anyone to walk in. And by the sounds of it, I think you might have been hoping for a certain roommate of yours to find you with your hands down your pants.”, he goaded, moving even closer to you until he was just a few feet away from your bed.

You seethed at him, grabbing your other pillow to hurl at him, but he was quicker than you, reaching out and grabbing your wrist before you could manage the throw. His smile was all teeth, the dark glint in his eyes going straight to your traitorous cunt. You swallowed hard as those chocolate orbs seemed to pin you in place.

“Hey now, no more of that, okay, Princess? If you want to fuck me, all you gotta do is ask, you know. We’re both adults, you don’t have to pretend with me”, he said, his words feeling slimy against your skin.

“Why fuck would I want to have to have sex with you? I wasn't moaning your name, you egotistical prick. If anything, you’re the one who wants fuck me, since you imagined your name coming out of my mouth in any capacity close to desire. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you stare at me when you think I’m not paying attention.”

“And so what if I have, hm? Hard not to when you’re prancing around in those little shorts in the summer, acting like you’re hot shit or something. But I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? You’re only pretty when that smart mouth of yours is closed. Once it opens, bullshit comes out and you lose almost all the attractiveness you might have held.”, Eddie snorted.

You could hear your blood rushing in your ears, loud and fast, and before you could stop yourself, your free hand shot up and slapped him across the face. His head turned with the impact, the imprint already reddening his cheek as your chest heaved with barely restrained rage. It took him a moment to react, his face a mask of faint surprise until his eyes flicked back to you and a terrible smile began to take shape upon his lips. You shrank back a fraction at the headiness of it, unexpectedly fearful of what it actually meant.

“Do it again, sweetheart.”, he murmured, turning his face to look at you full on again.

Inhaling deeply, you pulled your other hand from his grip and wound it back before slapping the opposite cheek on the exhale of your breath, his head snapping from the force of it again. A quick glance downward confirmed your suspicions when you saw the crotch of his jeans beginning to strain under his growing erection. You swallowed again, looking back up to find hunger clouding his face, expression almost identical to how you’d imagined it in your fantasy but also darker and more vicious.

The tension between the two of you was palpable, thick and tight with unspoken weight that had you digging your fingers into your thighs until he was wrenching your wrists out of your lap and alongside your head, pinning you under him. Leaning down, he nosed at your cheek and scraped his teeth along your jaw, making you whine involuntarily.

“Mmmm, what a pretty sound. Maybe I was wrong, maybe not everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit after all.”, he teased, looking down his nose at you as you glowered back.

“Fuck you.”, you retorted, your words having less bite than you’d intended.

He tilted his head and smirked.

“That is the idea, Princess. But I wanna hear you say it first. Need to hear you beg for me to fuck you.”, he cooed.

It was embarrassing how much your body was reacting to his. The role reversal should have just infuriated you further but instead it was riling your lust further. You fought to maintain your wits, but the need for release was quickly overcoming any sense you might have had prior to his body heat and smokey scent enveloping you. Chewing on your bottom lip, you tried to find the words to get him off of you and out of your room again, but then his knee was pressing between your legs and closer to where your aching cunt was begging for the attention he’d stolen from it.

A short lived inner conflict raged in your head before you were swallowing your pride for the moment and nodding at him. Taking another breath you gave your answer.

“…Please, Eddie. I-I want you to fuck me. I need you to fuck me.”, you conceded, voice still more than a little petulant but still agreement enough to set him to work.

“Not exactly begging, but I guess that might be the best I’ll get from you, huh, Princess?”, he said, pulling your wrists together to hold them in one hand to free the other to explore your body.

Lazily, he trailed it down your neck and chest, pulling the blanket down and pausing to give your tit an experimental squeeze, tugging the nipple when it peaked through the fabric of your shirt. Another reluctant noise escaped your lips at the sensation, prompting him to continue his hand’s travels down your torso and underneath the blanket to the waistband of your sweatpants. His knee retreated enough to make room as his hand dipped into your panties, cupping your cunt roughly.

“Wow, all this for little ole me, huh?”, he said, sliding a finger between your soaked folds lightly.

You knocked your head back against your pillow in frustration before pushing yourself up as much as your pinned arms would allow so you were in his face.

“Enough with the teasing, Munson. Foreplay isn’t necessary when I’ve done all the hard work for you already. Besides the dildo I was using before you interrupted is no doubt more than ample for whatever pencil dick situation you’ve got going on anyways.”, you hissed, trying to provoke his ire with a well placed jab that you were beginning to suspect was inaccurate based on the way his jeans were tented despite their tightness.

He was bigger than your previous estimations, and the thought made your cunt clutch in worrisome anticipation.

But despite your attempt to agitate him, he just snickered and gave a faux pout.

“Oh, is the poor baby impatient? Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll give you what you want here shortly. But you gotta behave, okay? Want you to keep your hands to yourself while I get myself a little more comfortable. Can you do that for Daddy, Princess?”

You nearly gagged at the little pet names and how he called himself daddy. “You’re disgusting, Munson.”

“And yet here you are under me, begging for my cock.”, he shot back, letting go of your hands.

Sitting back on his knees, he yanked his long sleeve over his head and let it fall to the ground before moving onto his belt and pants, undoing them with practiced ease until he noticed you watching him with your hands folded over your chest.

“You can take your clothes off too, you know. Or are you shy?”, he said, looking down at your shift expectantly.

You scowled, hesitating for a moment before you grabbed the hem of it and shucked off the offending article.

“It’s a little fucking cold, you know.”, you groused as you covered your tits from the cool air again.

“I’ll warm you up in a second, Jesus. Really are such an impatient brat.”, he muttered, tossing the remainder of his clothes to the floor and giving you a peek at the rest of his body.

Surprise tugged your brows up when you found him to be carrying a bit more muscle than you’d anticipated. Not defined by any measure, but you could see a hidden strength in his arms and chest where you'd expected none. And when you finally caught sight of his dick, you might have gasped just a little.

It was gorgeous.

No other way around it. Thicker than you could have guessed, but not quite as long either. It was dark and heavy between his thighs, a tantalizing thatch of hair around it that thinned into a sparse happy trail that traveled to just under his navel. When you finally pulled your gaze from it, you found his eyes watching you with unrestrained glee at your surprise. Your scowl returned and he chuckled in response.

“What was that about a ‘pencil dick’ again?”, he teased, grabbing the edge of your blanket and pulling it down to expose your legs and relieve them of the pants and underwear you still wore.

“Oh please, I’ve had bigger.”, you lied, letting him further disrobe you until you were both completely bare and staring at each other unabashedly.

“Sure you have, Princess. Whatever you say.”

Swallowing thickly, you looked away and covered yourself as much as you could with your arms before complaining about the chill again. He lowered himself back on top of you, resting on one firearm before grabbing the blanket and pulling it over the two of you to trap in your combined body heat again.

“There, better, Princess?”, he asked.

“Not really, seeing as you haven’t made me cum yet.”

“Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking needy, you know that? I'm just trying to make sure you’re comfortable and you’re too busy complaining about every fucking thing.”, he spat, looking at you with such contempt that you could feel your blood begin to boil again in response.

Good, this is what you wanted. You wanted mean and angry and wrong. You hated him and you didn’t want him to be soft with you. Taking your chance, you grabbed his wrists and wrapped a leg around his waist, using the other to propel you up as you rolled him over so he was the one under you now, gaining the control you sought in the conversation.

He let out a sound of resistance, but you forced all your weight into pinning him, unwilling to give him an inch.

“This is what I wanted, Eddie. You’re right, I do want your cock, but only like this. With you under me, where you belong while I use you like a fucking toy as retribution for all the bullshit you put me through. The loud music, the snark, the disrespect. I don’t think I’ve asked for much as a roommate. In fact, I think I’m a fantastic fucking roommate, you should consider yourself lucky to have me as a roommate, but no, you act like an ass at every turn as thanks for putting up with you.”

He opened his mouth to no doubt say something stupid, but you quickly covered it and shook your head down at him.

“Ah, ah, ah. No talking. If you want me to fuck you, you’re gonna shut up, lay there and take it while I use you and let you use me too, okay?”, you simpered, daring him to argue with you more.

But he remained silent, dark eyes fiery as they bored into yours. Smiling victoriously, you removed your hand from his mouth slowly and leaned back to straddle him.

“Good boy.”, you crooned, reaching between your bodies to line him up with your entrance.

You gave him a few good pumps for good measure before you slid down his length, the stretch delicious as he filled you completely, already twitching as soon as he was fully seated inside you.

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath between his teeth as you rolled your hips experimentally, his jaw tensing as you began to set a slow and steady pace. You couldn’t help but revel in how despite his glare, his hands clasped at his legs, obviously itching to grab your hips and meet your pace thrust for thrust. Unable to help yourself, you grabbed his wrists again pinning them on either side of his head like he’d done to you and using the leverage to lift your hips higher before slamming them back down, the sound of skin slapping skin echoing around your room lewdly.

Your faces were close in this position, and you took the opportunity to recreate the part of your fantasy where you tugged his lip between your teeth, letting your incisors sink into the plush of it and draw blood around them. It painted both of your mouths in scarlet and iron, and you lapped at it, enjoying his answering wince before his tongue was meeting yours to fight for dominance in the only way you’d let him. You drew back enough for a thread of blood and spit connected your mouths before breaking and landing on his flushed chest.

Licking your lips clean, you dipped back down and dragged your tongue through the pink spittle before you sucked a welt in its place, the mark as dark as the ink that decorated his skin just a few inches away. A heavy groan ripped out of him as his body bowed under you, hips jerking up as you inflicted a heady combination of pain and pleasure on his body as you nipped and sucked your way up his collarbones and neck. You didn’t need him to speak to know that he was thoroughly enjoying the roughness, and you were eager to really take it as far as you could, to leave your mark on him as a reminder for him not to fuck with you anymore.

“What’s the matter, Princess?”, you crooned, sitting back up on him to grind your hips into him, the friction pushing you further to the orgasm you’d been denied for too long already. “Is Daddy being too rough with you?”

Something seemed to snap in him at the names, his hand reaching up to grasp your neck and pull you back into a ferocious kiss that had your teeth clacking into each other as you fought for control once again. His other arm slid down your back to grab your ass and use the hold to rut into you ferociously, the head of his cock hitting the sweet spot deep inside you repeatedly while you gasped and moaned into his mouth.

“I fucking hate you.”, you growled, hands fisting into his hair and tugging hard as you licked into his mouth, the ghost of his blood still flavoring the kiss, along with the subtle hint of nicotine and smoke.

You were becoming wild for it, desperate for more. Desperate for him.

“I know you do.”, he panted against your lips, his irises nearly engulfing the browns of his eyes in their dark depths. “Come for me?”

You snarled at his request, your cunt clenching around him as it sent you closer to unraveling. You wanted to come so badly, ready for it to swallow you whole and set your body ablaze from the heat of it, but you were still set on it being on your own terms rather than his. Pulling away from his mouth again, you released your hold on his hair to wrap your hands around his throat instead, squeezing ever so tightly as you continued to bounce up and down on his dick. His hands found a new place to rest on your hips, fingernails digging into the soft flesh there as he watched you, suddenly enraptured with the way you exerted your control over him so easily.

It was almost disgusting the way he looked at you, almost worshipful in its intensity; but instead of repelling you, it merely spurred you on further, your grip on his neck tightening until his face began to turn red.

“You’re a fucking freak, you know that, Eds? Dirty little slut who’s letting me use you like the toy you are while I degrade you, and you’re getting off on it, are you? You can’t even deny it because I feel how close you are, even closer now that I’m choking you.”, you sneered, enjoying the way his eyes were beginning to cross. “Don’t go passing out on me yet, sweetheart, I’m close too, and I want you to watch.”

Letting go of his windpipe, you placed one hand on his chest for leverage as you reached between your legs to rub at your clit, chasing your climax. You heard cough and gasp as he sucked in the much needed air, and you laughed as you felt yourself reach the edge you’d been working towards. His hold on your hips tightened as your back arched, your orgasm slamming into you full force, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes.

“Gonna come-”, he managed to grit out, prompting you to pull off of him just before thick ropes of cum spurted out of him and onto his stomach, his dick jumping as his orgasm tore through him.

You sat just next to him, chest heaving as you fought to catch your breath while you appreciated the ravaged mess you’d left Eddie in; sweat and cum coating his torso while his lips remained red with drying blood. Leaning over, you swiped a finger through the white puddle settling above his navel, streaking it up his chest before popping the digit in your mouth for a taste. You stuck your tongue out in distaste at its flavor and wiped the rest off on your sheets, uncaring at the mess since you would undoubtedly be washing them as soon as you kicked Eddie out in a couple minutes. But you’d be nice and give him a chance to recover a little first before you did that.

Looking over at you, still trying to catch his breath, Eddie gave you a smile. Not a smirk, but a smile. You felt your cheeks redden at the sight before the scowl you reserved for him took back over your face. The smile widened and he chuckled, pulling himself up into a seated position, mirroring you.

“That was fun.”, he said breathlessly. “We should do that again sometime.”

It jarred you just as much as the smile still playing on his lips and you ducked your head, averting your gaze.

“Get out, Munson.”, you ordered, barely any heat behind the words.

He chuckled again, sliding to the edge of your bed, but pausing to press a soft kiss to your cheek before grabbing his clothes and heading to the door, just narrowly avoiding a smack to the head from you as he did.

“Though next time, we should do it in my room so we can be as loud as we want. Want to hear all the pretty sounds you can make.”, he teased, closing your door just in time before your pillow could hit him square in the face.

———

The next day, you’d awoke to knocking on the front door and the muffled sounds of voices before silence resumed. Wiping at your eyes, you pulled on a thick sweatshirt before heading into the kitchen, your throat scratchy from sleep and needing a drink of water to soothe it. Eddie was already in it, almost looking like he was waiting for you by the looks of the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth when he saw you enter. You narrowed your eyes at him before shooing him away from the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

Taking a swig first, you sighed and asked, “Who was it?”

“The landlord. Said we got a couple noise complaints yesterday. Gave us a warning and said, and I quote ‘keep the feral cat sex sounds to a minimum’.”, he explained, barely contained laughter shaking his shoulders as you choked on your water, sputtering and trying to brush the cold liquid off your shirt before it could soak in too much.

“What. The. Fuck!’, you exclaimed, glowering at him as he finally busted out laughing, holding a hand up to defend against the blows you tried to rain down on him.

Strong hands grabbed your wrists and held them aloft as he smirked down at you, the fight going out of you as a different kind of heat filled your veins at the touch.

“I guess I’ll have to stop calling you Princess now, huh? Kitten sound much more fitting after seeing your claws come out yesterday.”, he taunted, leaning down so your faces were only inches apart.

It made your heart skip a beat.

God, you hated him so much.

#eddie munson #eddie munson/reader #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson/you #eddie munson x you #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson smut #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things season 4

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n0v4t33z · 1 year

Text

The Syndicate - Chapter 6 : Un-Killable

Pairings: Choi San X Female Reader, Park Seonghwa X Female Reader, Ateez X Female Reader

Genre: Lots of angst, Romance, Crime Fiction, Psychological Drama

Word Count: 5.8k

Tags/Warnings: For Mature Audiences, Language, Graphic Violence, Mentions of Illegal activities (i.e Kidnapping, extortion, assassination etc.), y/n gets roughed up by Wooyoung like twice , Slow Burn, Fluff sometimes, Work In Progress, Non-Idol AU, Mafia AU, Very suggestive at times, y/n cries alot, y/n having inner turmoil, Ateez being bad boys, Wooyoung and Yeosang are a little mean in this story tbh, Guns, Gunshot wounds, Assassination attempt(s), mentions death and acts of violence

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!

Spotify Playlist🎵 | Series Masterlist📝

Author's Note 💌: Hi, It's been about two weeks since I posted the last chapter so I'm here to keep my promise about posting at least twice every month! Unfortunately I didn't realize how short this chapter actually is. Either way it's a good one though, there are also some parts I may fix and add onto later since I'm posting this close to 2 am and I'm exhausted so I hope you guys still enjoy it either way! ^^

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

A whole 2 months passes by and I notice San has become somewhat distant and has been spending most of the time either in his office by himself or in the conference room with the rest of the guys. Although Seonghwa, Jongho, Yunho and Mingi still interact with me they become very vague anytime I ask them about San. There were a few occasions where I wanted to try and see what exactly they were talking about but because there's always a goon outside the door now keeping a lookout so I could never get close enough to hear. One day I asked Seonghwa why they spent so much time in the conference room and the only thing he told me is "We're sorting things out." As for me, this whole time after I ran the 3 people’s names in the police database and nothing came up I realized these people are basically ghosts with no paper trails on the database meaning I’ve been having to investigate on foot and tailing them. The only thing San left for me as a place of reference and a place to start was a club on the east side of the city which actually turned out to be a club named "Enigma" that they own under a fake identity but another thing San left on the note is that these 3 people are brothers who run an underground black market out of it. So far everything is fine with them, no meetings with any other rival groups. If anything, these brothers definitely know how to treat their allies by providing them with weapons and other resources that are otherwise considered inaccessible to which I'm assuming this is the reason San wants to work with them. Which leads me to where I am right now, heading home after a long couple of days of consecutively tailing and observing these people. What's been really weird is that San called me at least once everyday to check in on me in the beginning but it's been 2 weeks and nothing. I sigh while I look at the dark road ahead of me, taking in the scene of complete emptiness with a beautifully glittery night sky which left me feeling a bit emotional. I slowly begin to tighten my grip on the steering wheel. I’ve had so many chances to leave but why aren’t I taking them? Have I seriously grown attached?

I reach for my phone and very anxiously I glance at the screen while I keep my eyes on the road and look at my recent calls, the last time I called San was two days ago. I stare at his name on my screen for a few seconds and decide to just hit the call button. The ringing starts and by the 4th ring I'm sent to voicemail immediately making my heart sink. He didn't answer, again. My vision begins to blur the bright headlights and the road ahead of me slightly begins to distort until warm tears stream down my cheeks then I let out a small sigh “Why? What did you do to me?” Why do I have to make things more difficult for myself? The original plan was to have San trust me enough to let me leave his headquarters, but now that he's given me that permission I can't seem to leave. Why?

I try to compose myself and wipe my tears away with one hand while I keep my other hand on the steering wheel. In the distance I see the headquarters, and realize that most of the drive home I spent it worrying about him and questioning myself. When I arrive I walk inside headquarters I notice it seems empty, and by empty I mean too quiet. There's almost always someone in the building, whether it's Seonghwa drinking his tea in the lounge, Hongjoong on his computer in the server room, Wooyoung playing cards with Mingi, Yeosang and Yunho in the living room, even Jongho's occasional little breaks after he's been working all afternoon. So when I walk over to the lounge and notice it's completely empty my stomach feels like it flipped upside down. Where is everyone? I walk around the building and no one was there except of course the goons who keep watch on the building 24/7 now so I decide I'm going to just ask one of them as to why it's so empty because this is weird.

There’s a very tall and heavy build goon outside of San's office, he was so scary looking. Although his suit made him look a little less scary. "Um excuse me but where is everyone? Why is it so empty here?" Without flinching the man simply responds with "They're sorting out a few things they'll be back soon Miss y/n." I exhale then I run my fingers through my loosely curled hair "Okay yes, but where are they? What are they doing?" Keeping a straight face without even looking at me he responds "I'm sorry Miss y/n but that's all I know." I narrow my eyes in disbelief. Does he really think I’m that stupid? "That can't be, you have to know where they are. You were given orders by San not to tell me anything weren't you?" The man stands there looking straight ahead pretending he didn't hear me. I look at him for a few seconds more waiting if he'll say anything but he never does then I clench my jaw and say through my teeth "Fine, I'll take that as a yes." I scoff and walk away to my room, when I get there I throw myself onto my bed. I lay there in bed for a few minutes until I fall asleep.

A few hours later I hear commotion downstairs, it was San and the guys. ”I’m exhausted. Now all we need is to kill that old bastard.” Wooyoung comments. ”Well at least we’re done now, I thought it was going to take a lot longer to pull this off.” Hongjoong responds. I look over at the clock and it was around 4 am then I get up and hurriedly head downstairs and notice they’re all dressed in black like they were in a robbery of some sort. All the talking stops and becomes dead silent when everyone notices I’m in the room then Seonghwa walks towards me and nervously smiles “Hey, what are you doing here? Weren’t you on an errand?” I shrug with a straight face “I just got back a few hours ago, what about you guys? Why’s everyone dressed like this? Did I miss something?” San walks up to me and pats my back and smiles “Nothing, we just went to go handle something don’t worry about it.” I furrow my brows and look directly into San’s eyes “Let me guess you still went even after I told you not to…” San shakes his head and reassuringly pats my head “Didn’t we agree to forget about this? I said I wasn’t going to..” Seonghwa, MIngi, and Yunho look over at San with a very odd facial expression then Wooyoung says “You have your jobs and we have ours. San’s allowed to do what he wants it’s not like you’re his girlfriend.” I slowly nod and give Wooyoung and San a fake smile “Of course, you’re right. I was just wondering considering I've barely seen any of you at all I was just a bit worried.” Yeosang stares right at me with a deadpan face “Why do you even care? It’s not like we’re your friends.” Gosh, I know he’s right but wow that hurt. San's expression grows dark and Seonghwa puts his hand on Yeosang’s shoulder causing him to ease up a bit then I let out a frustrated sigh. Here we go again. “Well, maybe you might not be my friend but if you haven’t noticed there are other people I am friends with.” Wooyoung lets out a mocking laugh “Oh really? They’re your friends? If they were your friends they would have told you what was going on but clearly no one trusts you. You’ve only been here like what? 3 or 4 months and you already want to be let in on everything we do? Sounds just about right for an entitled cop.” San pushes Wooyoung and angrily says “Can you ever shut up?!” Yunho and Jongho rush over to separate them, Yunho holding San and Jongho holds Wooyoung respectively. As much as I’d love to be petty with Wooyoung and drop the bomb on San that his best friend thought it was a great idea to nearly kill me, I’ll keep that to myself. All in due time I guess. I don’t want to create anymore issues for these people. I bite the inside of my cheek trying to recover from that verbal jab. This is embarrassing, maybe Wooyoung is right they do have a right for not trusting me. Just because I gave them access to all these things doesn’t mean anything, for all they know I could be leading them to a trap so I don’t blame them for not trusting me. San angrily stares at Wooyoung "Oh come on San, calm down. I was just expressing everything in everyone's mind." Wooyoung fights back a smirk and San tries to reach over to him causing Yunho to tighten his grip on him.

"You don't speak for everyone here." Seonghwa speaks up looking directly at me reassuringly. Jongho speaks from behind Wooyoung "I agree with San and Seonghwa. You really don't speak for everyone here." Hongjoong sighs and nods "She's not so bad Wooyoung. You know this. You're just being hard headed and paranoid over this situation not to mention overtly territorial over San." Wooyoung lets out a laugh "Me paranoid?! Territorrial?! I know what these cops are capable of doing?! Did you guys forget what happened to San's father?! They easily get into your head and mess with it, they're master manipulators just like Lee. She's just like him and I'm only trying to protect him from things repeating themselves." There's a long silence, evreyone awkwardly looking at eachother. That's when I step in between San and Wooyoung causing evreyone's gaze to shift over to me. I slightly part my lips to speak but then a knot grows in my throat and press them shut. Maybe it's a good idea not to say anything right now and keep the peace. All this fighting isn't going to be worth it in the end. I can't change someone's mind whose already been made. Wooyoung can think anything he wants, I just don't want to hear it anymore. I turn my back to them and walk in the direction of my room.

In the distance I hear Yunho say “Come back just give her some time alone.” followed by fast paced footsteps until a few moments later I feel someone grab my wrist then I look back and it was San. He gently tugs my arm closer to him and I look down still slightly embarrassed for running off in a cowardly way. “y/n, wait… I’m sorry some of them haven’t warmed up to you but I promise it’s not your fault. I know you were just worried.” Beginning to feel drained I shake my head “I’m exhausted, we can talk tomorrow. Right now I just want to be alone.” San gently pushes back a few strands of hair “I understand, but please pay no attention to them especially Wooyoung. Nothing he says has an ounce of truth. I need you here with me, remember that.” I let go of San’s hand and walk towards my room leaving him behind me. When I walk into my room I lay there silently for a few moments until warm tears begin to sting my eyes. Once I get rid of Captain Lee I’m going to leave this place despite how deeply in love I am, or at least try to. I can’t keep putting myself through this.

The next morning while laying in bed I hear Wooyoung shouting in a panicked voice from outside in the hallway “San, they took down all security!” I sit up and quickly change clothes while listening closely to the commotion in the hallways, from what it sounds like someone took down the people guarding the HQ gates which is still kind of far considering we’re in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly San barges into my room with a slightly worried expression and says “y/n, the cops are on their way as we speak. Burn everything you can, everything on your computer wipe it and burn it too.” He hands me a gasoline can and some matches and pats my head “Everything will be okay I promise.” He smiles nervously and before he can walk away I pull on the sleeve of his rolled up dress shirt “Why are the cops coming? Is it because of what you guys were doing earlier today?” San’s smile disappears into a straight line and a serious expression then he runs his fingers through his hair “Please don’t get mad, I know you said you didn’t want me to follow through with breaking into the evidence room but I went ahead and did it anyway. I’m sorry. I genuinely thought everything went well I swear I made sure no one followed us but I guess I was wrong.”

I clench my free hand to the point my knuckles turn white. The silence between us lasted as a long instant, and while the anger welled up in my chest. He was looking at me with his gaze of expectation for me to simply forgive him and move on but as of right now I can’t. I won't. Instead it pisses me off because it seems like everything I tell him Is being ignored. Everything that’s happening right now was because of him but what do I expect from a criminal anyway? If anything I shouldn’t even be surprised, I should have known he was going to pull something like this. I raise my hand back and throw my hand forward as hard as I can, whipping it across his face. The crack of skin contacting skin echoed off the metal walls of my room. His face then turns back to me while he slowly runs his hand along his cheek and without another word I walk away. Part of me knows and is well aware I’m running away from my problems but at the moment I was more focused on escaping the police and wiping the computer of any evidence, I can’t get caught now. Nobody can find out I was kept alive.

I run into my work room and over to the computer and begin trying to reimage it to delete all the data on the hard drive then the screen shows a percentage bar and on the bottom of it read “Time Remaining: 35 minutes” I rub my forehead in frustration and grab the tower of the computer, toss it across the room a few times until it eventually splits open then I grab the can of gasoline and pour most of it on the motherboard and the hard drive. I pull out a match from the match box in my pocket and light it then flick it directly inside the computer case immediately igniting a huge fire. After burning a few papers and files I head down the hallway and I notice Yeosang looking out the window and calmly loading his gun while gazing into the distance then I realize he was looking at the various police cars, a helicopter and a few SWAT vehicles getting in position. Someone taps my shoulder and when I turn it was Mingi, he hands me a gun and says “Good luck” I nod taking the gun making sure there was ammo “Same to you.” Out of seemingly nowhere Yeosang begins to shoot causing me to slightly jump. San immediately runs out of his office with a gun in hand then he grabs my hand and leads me downstairs towards the back exit. “We’re going to head outside, there’s a secret escape route I built in the forest so I hope you have your walking shoes on because it’s going to be a long walk.” While he opens the door I say “Where’s everyone else?” He peaks outside and says “Mingi and Yeosang are going to buy us time. Everyone else is already in the forest.” Suddenly Wooyoung runs up behind us and pats San’s shoulder. “Everything is clear, lower associates were sent to distract the feds.” San nods and says “Did you turn on the self destruct device in the server room?” Wooyoung nods and smirks “Yep, everything is in order.” He steps outside in front of San and hides behind a car outside then motions us to follow behind him and just a few seconds after giving us the signal he motions us to stop and stay low. Then I hear a familiar voice.

“Let the girl go Choi San…” My stomach drops and I look up and see that In the helicopter was my partner Detective Chris and Captain Lee looking over his shoulder and right next to them was a sniper. I tightly squeeze his hand and San turns and looks at me “You’ll be okay, worst case is they’ll shoot me and not you.” Captain Lee speaks into the mega phone and says “Give it up son, you lost and it was all because you’re so reckless. You got so sloppy but don’t worry though I’ll clean the mess you left and I’ll start by shooting your little friend over here.” The red laser from the sniper’s gun points right at Wooyoung’s head “And then you.” Wooyoung looks at San and slightly nods and begins to run towards the forest. Almost instantly he gets shot in the chest instead from the sudden movement. His body falls limply on his side while he clutches onto his chest and struggles to breathe. My stomach drops and San lets out a scream calling out Wooyoung’s name with tears welling up in his eyes in anger “I’m going to kill you bastard!!” I clutch onto San's arm holding the gun in my other hand tightly with my eyes blurring with tears. Captain Lee smirks “You know what, I take it back. I won’t shoot you that’s letting you off easy...I want you to suffer by watching all your little mobster trash die.”

Seeing Wooyoung on the ground didn’t bring me satisfaction, instead I begin to cry at the sight of his breathing slowing down. Despite everything he’s done to me I couldn’t let San suffer again, as angry and pissed off as I am with him right now for putting us in this situation he doesn’t deserve to lose his bestfriend. Wooyoung needed help and fast but the only way to get him that help is if I turn myself in and somehow convince them to step back. I hate the idea that I won't have that anonymity anymore but this is a matter of life or death. If I can prevent someone from dying then I'm sure it'll be worth it no matter how painful it is. Suddenly, an idea pops up in my head, it was one I really didn't want to do but my only hope is that it all goes smoothly. I step in front of San with my back facing the helicopter which causes San to pull me closer to him into a hug. i gently press the barrel of the gun I have onto his stomach and he leans in close to my ear and whispers “What are you doing angel eyes? Whatever is going on in that little head of yours just stop, I don’t want you to get hurt. Please.” He sniffles burying his face in my hair trying to hide the fact that he was slightly teary eyed “Sannie, do you trust me?” He talks into my neck “Yes of course I trust you.” Staying still and keeping my voice calm I say “Keep your head down and shoot the sniper.” His voice goes an octave higher while keeping his head down buried into my neck and says “What?! Why?!” Keeping my calm I press the gun a little more onto his stomach “Do it. Shoot the sniper, trust me.” From the corner of my eye I see San’s arm go up and shoot in the sniper’s direction and as soon as he shoots I move just a bit to where the sniper’s bullet hits my right shoulder. I let out a scream in agonizing pain from the impact of the hot metal burning deep in my shoulder causes me to slightly jerk forward and drop the gun in my hand. I push San with the strength from the adrenaline coursing through my veins back into the building and I run towards the helicopter while I clutch onto my shoulder with tears in my eyes. This was all for nothing, so much for getting rid of this man from the shadows.

“There’s a bomb in there! Please Captain Lee, Chris we have to get out of here and remove everyone from the perimeter!” I look back and see San was no longer in the doorway, both Chris and Captain Lee look at me in awe then look at each other a few seconds. Eventually Chris lets down a ladder, helps me climb up and sit down. He sits next to me and looks over at Captain Lee “Captain, we have to take her to the hospital now!” I lay there growing more exhausted by the second due to blood loss until I manage to mutter “Captain, remove everyone from this perimeter now or we’re all going to die.” Chris looks at me and shakes his head while he keeps pressure on my wound “No, we can’t. We have a warrant for San’s arrest we can’t just let him escape” I grab Chris’s forearm and squeeze it from the pain and slight impatience “Trust me, I know he’s going to fuck up again this won’t be the last time. The bomb, please. We have to get out of here we don’t have much time left..” Chris turns to Captain Lee giving him a worried look then Captain Lee looks down at the building for a few moments that felt like an eternity and eventually looks over at me and Chris “Alright, but only because I trust Detective y/ln and know she’ll be able to catch this scum again.” He looks over at the pilot and says “Take us to the nearest hospital please.”

He speaks into his radio “We’ve got a code 4, change of plans, we found Detective y/n y/ln alive and well. Clear the area, over.” Is he really going to act like he didn’t leave me for dead? Is this a favor that later on he’s going to try to use as leverage to somehow blackmail me? A voice answers back on the radio “Disregarding, all units will return back to the station. Over.” I did it, but this was too easy… Luckily the server room self distructing came in handy so technically I wasn’t lying. Chri’s voice interrupts my thoughts and says “So you’re alive? I’m so glad you’re okay but how? I saw your dead body, how is that possible?” I struggle to breathe then I sit there focusing on my breaths until Captain Lee sits next to the seat where Chris and I were sitting and says “Detective Bang stop asking her questions, can’t you see she has a bullet inside her?” Chris’s voice slightly shakes a bit and says “I’m sorry sir, I’m just in shock she’s alive. I saw her charred body, her police badge, everything." I feel my eyes slowly begin to close, my consciousness felt like it was slipping away until everything goes dark.

When I wake up, I scan the room and realize I'm at the hospital. That’s when it all comes back to me, I hope San is okay and he managed to escape along with everyone else. Especially Wooyoung, I really hope he made it as well. I turn and notice Chris is asleep then In a low whisper I say “Chris?” Immediately I see Chris sit up and say “Oh hey y/ln you’re up, how are you feeling?” I nod my head slightly and look down at the IV needle in my hand while he proceeds to talk “I’m so glad it wasn't anything serious, I waited for you to wake up and ask if you wanted to see your family. I’m sure you miss them. I didn’t call them right away since I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed.” I shake my head and I say in a low voice “Don’t tell them I’m alive... Please.” Chris furrows his brows and gives me an odd look “Why not?” I stare off into the distance trying not to make eye contact with him “Promise me you won’t tell anyone especially Captain Lee.”

Chris leans in close to me then I lean in a bit more and whisper “I’m going to run away. I think it’s best for me to disappear considering AS is going after me and I don’t want my family to get killed.” I still can’t believe I’m lying through my teeth, who am I trying to save? San or me? Maybe both. Chris responds in a worried tone “It’s okay we can get you into the Witness Protection Program., you can get your life back.” I sigh and shake my head “No Chris, I’m doing this without the help of the government or the police.” Chris’s jaw tenses up and sits there looking at the ground for a few seconds. “Please, don’t tell anyone Chris. Promise me. You also have to make sure Captain Lee doesn’t release the news of me being alive to the media as this is going to make it even harder for me.” He lifts his gaze and meets my eyes and smiles “Of course I promise, we’re partners after all. We’re under oath to protect one another but promise, you’ll reach out to me occasionally. I just want to make sure you’re alive and well.” I nod then I sit up “Of course as long as you keep my existence a secret, but I do have one more thing to tell you and this one is much more serious because it’s about Captain Lee.” I hope he doesn’t tell him, but who else can I trust? Besides having someone to lean on he might be of help. He scrunches his face in curiosity then looks at the door “What about him? Is it something bad?” I bite the inside of my lip then I take a deep breath and blurt out “Captain Lee works for The Obsidian Dragon, Aurora Syndicate’s rival. I know this because I saw a whole file documenting him being associated with the mafia with pictures and everything.” Chris smirks holding in a small laugh “What? Are you sure that’s not the morphine talking? Why would he even work for the mafia to begin with?” Oh no, he’s asking questions. “He was a close friend of the Choi family, specifically The Phantom. He’s the reason that the whole shootout happened, he sold The Phantom’s location in exchange for money.” Chris’ hand reaches up to his mouth then says “Wait what? So he knew who was behind all of that? No wonder he would always breathe down our necks and constantly check the leads. How much was he given?” I tap my finger on my chin “50 grand if I remember correctly.” He blinks in shock then says “Okay wow that’s quite a bit of money. Yeah, I get why you’re in a hurry to hide. You know too much.” And I know so much more but I can’t tell you the rest.

“Yep..” There was a long silence but Chris clears his throat and says “So uh I have a question and it’s kind of random...Why was San holding you like that?” I raise my eyebrow “How so? What do you mean?” He rests his cheek on his hand “You know like weirdly close, like he had a thing for you. His hand around your waist.” I shrug and look out the window “I don’t know, maybe because he thought of me as an object more than a person. His meat shield.” Hopefully by telling him everything he wants to hear it’ll help me get him off my back, even if those said answers aren’t how I truly feel at all. He can’t find out I’m protecting San. From the corner of my eye I see Chris’s eyes move from looking at the door back to me “Did he ever do anything to you?” While looking out the window I run my finger along the IV tube “I don’t know I was drugged the majority of the time I was there, I can’t remember anything.” Chris puts his head down and rubs his forehead while gently tapping his foot on the floor “I swear to god y/n if he did anything to you…” I shake my head “Nah, despite how scary he is he never put his hands on me.” He raises an eyebrow “How do you know? You were drugged the whole time..” I look down at the dusty pink blanket on my body “Because he was the one who would make the beatings stop, besides I’m sure if he did anything to me my body would remember it. Instead I just remember that evreytime I was being beat he’d scold the person doing it.” That feeling, that pit in my stomach. My eyes well up with tears and Chris reaches for my hand “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this. Just remembering it brings it all back” Chris nods giving me a reassuring hand squeeze “I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about it anymore. You should rest, we'll talk about it later when you feel better.” He adjusts my pillow slightly so that I'm able to lay back a little bit again. "Thanks Chris, you should nap too. You look exhausted." He gives me a weak smile "I should be watching you. It's okay." I shake my head "I insist, it's kind of weird knowing you're just watching me sleep. A nap will most definitely not hurt you." He looks into the distance and slowly nods his head almost like he was thinking whether or not he should do it "Alright, if that makes you comfortable y/ln, just know if I hear the door open I will wake up.." I chuckle nervously "Yeah, I know" I hope he falls into a deep sleep otherwise I'm screwed.

A few hours later I wait until Chris is fast asleep in his seat then I begin taking the tubes and IV’s off of me and I put on my pants and shoes making sure I also take the phone San gave me. I look over and glance over at chris to make sure he was still asleep then I carefully open the door wide enough for me to slip out the hospital. Luckily because of the lack of use my phone still had battery so I enter a gas station restroom near the hospital and call San. I anxiously hold the phone to my ear while it rang a few times then on the other line San answers the phone and excitedly I say “San?!” In a surprised tone he answers “y/n?! Where are you? Are you okay?” Relieved to hear his voice again I say in a slight hushed tone “I’m at the gas station bathroom a few blocks from the hospital, I escaped but um what about Wooyoung, is he okay?” I anxiously brush my index finger over the smooth surface of the back of the phone while I wait for him to answer. “He’s fine now angel eyes. He got a pierced lung but he’ll be okay don’t worry.” I let out a sigh of relief and smile “I’m glad he’s okay. I’m glad your best friend is still here with you.” He exhales a bit before he admiringly says “He wouldn’t have been saved if it wasn’t for you and your quick thinking, I don’t know how you did it but I’m so thankful.” There’s a long silence then he continues “ Do you want me to send someone to pick you up?” Immediately I respond “Yes please, I want to get out of here before anyone notices I’m gone” San answers me reassuringly “Don’t worry I’ll send your location to the nearest Associate just hang tight okay? Their code word will be “snow”, I’ll see you in a bit angel eyes I love you.” I gently bite my lip " I love you too. Sannie” I hear San chuckle on the other side of the line and immediately after the line goes dead. I turn and see myself in the mirror and realize I was wearing my ugly hospital gown so I decide to turn it inside out and make a makeshift tie up shirt out of it.. After I finish I sit on the counter of the bathroom and not even 10 minutes later there’s a knock at the door. I stay silent until a deep voice says “Snow.” I jump off the counter and run to open the door and see an average build man with a buzz cut and tattoos and a dark blue track suit “y/n ?” I nod then he motions me to walk behind him and says “Come on, the boss asked me to take you where they’re in hiding.” I nod and follow him into a black average looking car with dark tinted windows, his car reeked of cigarettes and the seats were pretty worn out, a nice way to blend in. Smart.

After 2 hours of driving we arrive at a parking lot at an undisclosed area since I couldn't tell where exactly we were because of how dark it was, all I know it was far away from both Ulwood and Lulens but unlike the HQ last time this location was in a city. I get out of the car and follow the heavily tattooed man into a weird tattoo shop, the buzzing of the tattoo gun was the very first thing I hear when I enter. Everyone in there (which wasn’t alot) seemed to either not notice or not to care kind of like it was a regular occurrence here. So when we make it to the back I notice a black metal door with a key pad, and as soon as he punches in the code the door clicks open and he motions me to walk inside then closes the door behind me. Which reminds me of this tough pill to swallow, I am once again under San's mercy by coming back..

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

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#ateez series #ateez angst #ateez x reader #choi san x reader #park seonghwa x reader #ateez imagine #mafia au #non idol au #slow burn #kpop imagines #ateez fanfic

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spurgie-cousin · 3 months

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Hi spurgie. I don't know if you remember me, but I was the anon from 2 years ago who had their first kiss at 25 and subsequently started dating him after. Well, last night he broke up with me, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like it came out of nowhere, but he feels he drifted too far apart from me. This was my first relationship, and it might sound naive but I truly thought it was forever. I know I shouldn't but I feel stupid to think someone could love me for the rest of my life. I still love him so much. What's worse is he was so kind and gentle about it. I wish he wasn't such a great person. I wish I could hate him but I don't. We still wanna be friends, and we share the same friend group, but it's gonna be really hard. I don't want him out of my life but I'm really hurting right now. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope that we might get back together in the future, but right now I can't see myself with anyone else (again, naive, I know). Sorry for the ramble, I just don't know who to turn to, and you've always been so kind.

Aw well first, I'm so sorry ❤️ breakups are always hard but the first one always hurts especially bad. I can't emphasize enough how normal those feelings you've described are though, they're not naive at all. Thinking about past breakups I've been through or sat with others through, it's big grief for a while, combined with that hopeless "I don't ever want to be with anyone else/no one else will ever be as good as them" feeling, combined with fighting the adjustment to someone's role in your life changing, and it can be a rough ride ngl. I know that sounds daunting, but it did help me a little in the moment to know many, many other people have felt exactly how I felt at the time bc when you're in the thick of it, it can feel very lonely and isolating, so I mention it just in case it's also helpful for you to know that.

My best advice for the first couple of days is just to ride it out and feel whatever it is your feeling at the moment, because it is kind of a grieving process and like grieving you need to get the big feelings out to be able to process it. Keeping your mind busy is also really helpful, it's ok to wallow for a while but if you get the chance to do something pleasant, or even just sit with someone instead of being alone, I found that super helpful. My last big breakup I spent a full 2 weeks at my parents house and in my free time I just sat with them (and cried on them lol a LOT) watched movies, played board games, etc. Even just having a conversation on the phone when the feelings start bubbling up again can be very cathartic.

Right now it might feel like you will never feel better, or never find anyone again (or want to), but that's just part of the grief and as impossible as it might sound, that starts to fade faster than you think it will. I know you mentioned you want to stay friends and I don't think that's impossible but it's probably a good idea to avoid seeing them just for the time being, because that can be like picking at a scab on a healing wound y'know? It can be confusing and stressful and hinder the healing process, at least in my experience. Same for communicating.

But yea I promise it gets better ❤️ this relationship not working out does not mean you are impossible to love forever at all, it just means that this wasn't the right person to do it, most of us just need to do some trial and error before we find that person. And tbh I think people who have been through trial and error can ultimately end up in healthier relationships, because experience makes you learn more about yourself/what you are looking for in a person. Be kind to yourself for now ❤️ this too shall pass, it will be ok.

#advice #one time in college my best friend got dumped by this guy who was the biggest douche bag i hated him so much and she was devastated #she cried in my car for like two straight hours after it happened and to make her feel better i took a bag of our room mates cats poop from #the litter box and drove to his apt and left it on his welcome mat #this was before ring cameras were big 😏

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utopianparadoxist · 1 year

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I've recently discovered that you've returned in all your glory, and I'm super glad to see it! Really delights me seeing you on my dash <33

My partner, however, scrolled through your blog maybe two minutes reading all your tags and went "damn. OD came back Punished™️ huh."

tbh like? Sort of, yeah, oD as a "person" (he was never really that, he was always sort of a performance I put on for the brand) is straight up dead, I've ego deathed out of being able to be that guy. The name will stick around on the youtube channel, but even there i'm planning character rebrands because doing anything else feels wrong.

but it was real life trauma shit from my parents that pushed me to the brink, not really anything online. The homophobic harassment I got from them over the last month or so pushed me back into being suicidal and also they called the cops on me and got me involuntarily thrown into a hospital i almost got choked to death in! Its been a rough rough fucking couple months, and for all the drama i've relatively spawned, it barely had anything to do with Homestuck.

Losing a lot of my social circle IN homestuck due to my trauma responses didnt help that but whatever, i made new friends pretty quick and feel like letting go of any sense of responsibility to protecting the image of WP or the Epilogues has freed me substantially to just be a fan and hang out trying to make shit. If anything, I feel free!

Especially since it resulted in me FINALLY divorcing my brains stupid twitter addiction and i was immediately rewarded for it with a vibrant new dirkjake and general mlm shipping scene on Tumblr, which honestly, is all I've ever wanted or needed from Homestuck.

I'm still pretty punished and will be until the day I get everything I want from this comic (canon dirkjake soulmate marriage) but that day's coming faster and faster and in the meantime i'm having more fun in this fandom than I have in years.

still, can't w8it.

#homophobia #choking #death tw #mortality tw #not sure how to tag this tbh #familial abuse #familial harrassment #passive homophobia

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petra-creat0r · 1 year

Text

Okay so the polls have determined I'm talking about LPS.

Tbh, I don't have a whole lot to talk about when it comes to my favorite little toys from the 2000s, especially since my collection is at home, but I do have a few things!

First is my favorites! Aka Creme (Angora Rabbit #2480) and Tytus! (Goat #1786). Creme I've had since I was a kid and was one of my first pets (along with the Rat #2481 she came with who I've since lost)

Them

There's also my girl, Sydney Petrovsky. I was gonna replace her before she quickly grew on me

Her neck spring or something is broke so her head sinks down, making her a little short and 9 year old me painted her with black oil paint that smugged her original markings a bit. All in all, she's a little roughed up but I say that adds to her character.

An example of how she should look is Sara, the replacement I forgot I ordered, who, while damaged, is still in a little better condition than Sydney.

Asides from my favs... I guess I gave Garrett, the pet I brought with me to work. Since my apron has a pocket, I've been bringing one of my pets with me every shift.

Gecko.

Edit: since this took me two days, Garrett was who I brought yesterday. Today was Alli

Honestly, LPS was one of my main hyperfixations as a kid. One of my mains before discovering Undertale and I frequented LPStube as much as I could back then. (Though oddly I never got into LPS Popular and still haven't watched it). I remember watching Cookieswirlc a good amount before they started making non LPS content. As well as a lot of skits and music videos. My friends and I would even make up a couple ourselves (though we didn't really have the resources to upload them, we could still record on my mom's camera and stuff.)

Because of this, I have a few old LPS series concepts. They're not all that good because I was like, nine. But I think it'd be interesting to revisit them sometime. The first series I can remember was Peter and Piper. Since I had a double of Monkey #485 (Likely because I somehow got one from my girlfriend considering she has one Squirrel #484 which came in a playset with the monkey).

The "plot" (if you could really call it that) of the series would be that the protagonist, Peter, played by one of the monkeys, had the power to... genderbend. Piper being his girl counterpart (played by the other monkey). Could I have executed this idea with just one monkey, likely. Was it a cringe idea especially considering modern times? Yes.

The other characters was a G4 Wolf (#3806) and a G3 Guinea Pig (#3299) who I don't recall the original names of, but whom I've since dubbed Lisa and Harvey. I also remember Lisa had ice powers, causing Harvey to sing Let It Go to annoy her. There was also something with the school mascot (because of course it was set at a high school) being a hybrid of a bunch of animals including like a tiger and a bear and a dragon I think.

I'm not sure how to adapt it, asides from probably making Peter a magical girl or something? (Also probably trans as I like that better than the gender bending thing)

The second show i had even less for. It was called Twins and stared Creme (my favorite Angora Rabbit from above) and another Angora I had at some point, a pink one with striped ears, #2132. (I've since lost this pet. Might've traded it with a friend)

It was about an evil mirror dimension. As a kid, I used to believe mirrors were actually viewing portals into other dimensions and the inhabitants were opposites of us or something. A pretty common trope but I think nine year old Lorrie actually believed it.

Tbh, the concept of the 2nd one would work better with doubles compared to Peter and Piper, which might be possible with just one pet.

Anyways, that's all I have on LPS for now, anyone has any questions about my thoughts on certain pets or even some series, then shoot me an ask.

#lps series #lps #littlest pet shop #rambles #lpstube

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akioukun · 1 year

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Ok so I wanted to dm you but I’m not confident enough to dm you yet (autism) so I’m just gonna yell into here and hope you see it.

Thank you so so much for your post about me yesterday. It came at such a needed time considering what was happening in my personal life and everything you said about me was so lovely I genuinely had to reread it a couple times for it to sink in (that and it was an illegally early time for me to be awake when I first saw it)

I’m not exaggerating when I say that looking at your art is one of the main things that kept me in the fandom earlier this year when I was really going through it and I admire you so much, seeing you say those things about me really means a lot, like genuinely. I’m not great with words at the best of times but I hope this comes off at the very least as sincere.

So yeah, I might dm you at some point to say a proper thank you but like, it really meant a lot to read that yk. Ty for being so nice to me.

Hey dude!

I’m so glad the post made it to you!!

Tbh I was just the conducting rod in all this, I would give all the appreciation to the community that dogpiled it with adoration and kind words. You gotta now how loved and appreciated you are Max seriously. You do a whole lot for this fandom with those positivity posts and your writing, and just looking at that post definitely is proof. I’m glad it was able to reach you at such a rough point in time rn (I reaaally hope you haven’t got covid, that shit sucks)

Ah god hearing that my silly little doodles had such an impact is kinda insane to hear, if a little bit of the happiness I get out of drawing spreads to even one person then I’m just so stoked. Its whats so awesome about this fandom, the circulation of ideas, people bringing new concepts to the table and everyone being able to celebrate these ideas and have them grow into bigger things.

I’m sorry this has come so late, moving my entire life from one city to another every few days takes up alot of my mental energy. But please don’t ever be afraid to chuck us a dm!

Remember your loved dude and you should absolutely treat yourself with the same kindness you give the rest of us ♥️♥️

#aki answers #harringrove #billy hargrove #stranger things #harringrove fandom positivity #harringrove fandom

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purplesurveys · 3 months

Text

1889

Have you ever been on a laptop inside a vehicle? Plenty of times, but only just as long as my motion sickness would let me. I do it so I can get some work in, but not for very long.

While on the road, do you play any road games? We might have done so before but I don't remember what exactly we played. These days I like asking random, hypothetical questions – mostly directed to my dad so he doesn't feel sleepy on the road, but everyone's still invited to join in. Kind of like surveys lol so it's stuff like what would their last meal be, which actor they'd want to play them in a movie, etc.

Do you have a button up shirt? I have a couple.

Has there been a word you thought you were spelling correctly but then you find out that it isn’t? What was the word? So when I was very young and still learning English, all I had as practice was my dad's stack of cookbooks. The thing at the time was, I kept hearing "sorduh" "sordof" "sardof" in the American shows I'd watch and was desperate to find out what they were saying because I could make out everything else they were saying but.

Cut back to my dad's cookbooks; I was reading the opening essays and the recipes as I usually did...then I found it. Or at least I think I did. The word I came across was "sourdough" – and as a kid it made so much sense. It had the "sort" part, then I knew you say 'rough' with an f so I applied the same logic to dough, which became my "of." So for a while I thought sort of was spelled as sourdough, haha.

Do you have a garden in your backyard/front yard? It's not a garden but it's just a wide open space that we had paved. My dad uses it to play basketball; we'll also bring the dogs there to run around.

What color is your water tower in your city/town? It's either blue or white. I can't remember very well.

Have you ever picked apples before? Nope.

Are you scared of semi-trucks? Especially when you’re driving next to one? Tbh no not really. It's my mom who gets super tense lol.

Have you accidentally put lipgloss/lipstick on your teeth before? I don't think so. I don't wear much of either in the first place.

If you wear chapstick, do you have any special flavors or just the regular kind? I hate that I can't remember who but someone gifted me a green apple mint lip butter (is that the same thing?) for Christmas and I love it so much – the texture, the taste, the smell...it's lovely.

Do you think little babies look cute in overalls? Sure, they can.

Have you ever been to the site www.someecards.com? Doubt it.

Have you ever tried Crystal Lite? If so, what’s your favorite? I haven't the slightest clue what that is.

Have you ever had a dream that your teeth were falling out? I think at least once, then it never came again.

Have you ever went on www.dreammoods.com to interpret your dreams? Nope.

Do you own any pajama bottoms with a design on them? Explain what it is [or you can post a picture up if your heart desires to.] I mean, it has a purple plaid pattern but that's it.

Do you sometimes wonder how surveys were created in the first place? Was someone just so bored that they decided to ask someone random questions? Not how they came to be, but I'm constantly impressed at survey makers' creativity. Like how can there be thousands of these and yet the questions remain so random yet interesting? Thank you for all your work hehehe.

Do you like eating shrimp? It's not my favorite seafood and will 100% skip it if there are other options (not because I don't like how it tastes, but because it's the most ubiquitous seafood and at this point I'm a little tired of the taste haha), but yeah, sure. It's the best with butter and garlic.

Ever heard of Rochester, NY? Yes, but I wouldn't be able to tell you one thing about it.

Do you have a fence? We don't.

Do you have any signs on your bedroom door? I have a Do Not Enter sticker that my mom placed as a joke way way back when I was in my early teens.

If you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice? I do.

Does your head hurt when you cry?: It does when the cry session gets really bad and when I have a lot going on in my head. But it's not an automatic thing.

Who was the last person to comfort you?: Trina.

Are you currently wearing any socks?: Nope.

What’s the closest thing to your right hand?: One of my sleeping bags.

When was the last time you made a wish?: My birthday.

Have you ever watched a foreign film with English subtitles?: I prefer to watch anything with subtitles.

When was the last time you wore athletic shorts?: High school, maybe? Playing table tennis.

Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place?: It's hard to put all your trust in it because the fact of the matter is you need to work towards it. But as long as I know that I do, it becomes easier a reality to think about.

What’s the closest transparent object to you?: I have a clear phone case in here somewhere.

What was the last thing you swallowed?: Coffee.

Do you like mayonnaise?: Love it. I just had it this morning with my breakfast.

Anyways… When was the last time you went out in the rain?: Last weekend when we were walking to the nearby theme park in Tagaytay for dinner, and it started to pour while we were on our way.

Have you ever seen a Tim Burton movie, like Coraline, 9, etc.?: No, not my film style of choice.

Do you keep 3D glasses after you’ve left the movie theatre?: I've only seen a 3D movie once and I'm pretty sure I didn't keep the glasses.

When was the last time you heard a British accent in person?: No clue. Maybe talking to my mom's bosses years ago? I definitely don't encounter it a lot. The most recent foreign accent I heard was Portuguese.

Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you?: My brother.

Do you know what FTW stands for?: Yes.

When was the last time you went bowling?: Bowling...around six years ago? I think I had a bowling date with my ex. Haven't gone on one since.

Do you like cats?: Sure. We recently rescued a stray kitten that found its way to our garage. It's his 5th day with us and has been spoiled to hell and back so far.

Do you use aerosol hairspray? It’s bad for the environment, you know…: I don't use hairspray.

What was the last food you choked on?: I don't usually choke on food.

Who was the last person you disappointed?: Myself, maybe?

Do you really miss someone right now?: No.

Do you think anyone can really reach “Nirvana” at some point?: I don't believe in it, so I can't say for sure.

What’s the capital of the state you reside in?: We don't have states.

What is the last advice you gave someone?: I haven't had the chance to give advice lately. I listen more these days.

Do you ever dip your fingers in wet candle wax?: Once it warms up a little bit, yeah. Sometimes.

When was the last time you sweated really bad?: Two Saturdays ago in Da Nang. That heat was like no other...I found myself wishing I was back in the Philippines, and the weather as it is here is already terrible haha. There was barely anyone walking outside too, so I know it wasn't just us who felt how hot it was.

Do you write it, alot or a lot?: A lot, because that's how it's written.

Does it annoy you when people are always smiling and happy all the time?: Excessive cheeriness can be an off-putting kind of weird more than anything, but I don't mind it. It can be nice to see, especially if it's actually genuine.

What was the last rule you broke?: I can't remember tbh. I don't like doing that, haha.

Have you ever hazed someone or been hazed?: No and never to both.

Miley Cyrus rings your door bell, and asks for some shelter. You say..?: Sure, but why are you...here?

What would you say if someone called you at 3 am to have a casual convo?: Depends on who it is, aka I will ignore everyone except immediate family, Angela, Hans, or Reena.

Have you ever made a SERIOUS typo, and couldnt go back and change it?: Not that I can remember. One thing I'm proud of, at least, is that in my 4 years in PR I've never had any press release sent out to media that contained a typo.

Have you ever yelled at an authority figure?: Nope.

When was the last time you had to pee really badly?: Yesterday.

What was the last thing you regretted eating?: Dakgalbi kimbap. The restaurant it came from is my favorite for Korean food, but that kimbap has no reason to be as spicy as it was – and I can generally handle spice and love the Korean kind of spicy.

Have you ever met anyone famous?: Yes.

Do you like screamo music?: Nope.

Do you know anyone with some serious talent?: I know so many very talented people.

When was the last time you made fun of someone?: I can't really remember.

What was the last thing you yelled?: Probably my sister's name.

Whose bed did you wake up in this morning?: Mine.

Are you in a relationship?: No.

Have you ever skinny-dipped?: No thanks.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without sleeping?: Just a little over 24 hours.

Do you make a wish at 11:11?: Sometimes. Doing so has inner child healing properties for me, haha.

What’s the worst thing someone could ask you?: Something like if I could give up/trade my dogs for [X]. That, and any creepy and uninvited sexual advances.

What did your last text message say?: I can't recall and I can't be bothered to check because it might be related to work.

Who was it from?:

Do you like surprises?: Sure :) I don't get them a lot, so I do kind of feel special when someone organizes a surprise for me, no matter how simple it is.

What inspires you?: My goals to see BTS and make it to Wrestlemania, and the dogs. I also want to get my dad at least one of the cars on his life wishlist.

If you could go back in time, where would you go and why?: Any day with Kimi, so I can be with him again and hear his barks.

Are you proud of the person you’ve become?: I've definitely overcome a lot more than I ever expected to have to overcome in life, and I don't shy away from giving myself credit.

Have you ever tried weed?: Yes. In like vape format, whatever that's called. I mixed it with alcohol so it wasn't a very nice experience.

How important is music to you?: Not very much. It's great when I encounter lyrics that exactly match my current situation and emotions, but I mostly turn to music now for the production value/instrumentals or as background noise.

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?: Not at all.

Do you care what other people think of you?: For like a second or two, then I try not to make it my problem.

What’s your biggest fear?: Death of loved ones.

When was the last time you received a compliment?: It's boringly about work, but I was just told how I deserve the role I'm currently in, and that if I ever feel insecure or think of the possibility of being resented by my teammates who've had the same longevity as I've had, I just need to remember that I was picked to be the one to move up for good reason and that it wasn't a decision taken lightly. It's more advice than anything else, really, but I'll also take it as a compliment.

What was that last thing you said out loud?: "LOVE YOU" I told my dogs as I went up the stairs after wishing them goodnight.

Do you have any regrets?: Of course. Nothing major that involves any life-ruining stuff, though.

Where were you at noon today?: I was at home, playing with the dogs.

Do you think someone’s thinking about you right now?: No.2

What’s on your mind right now?: The fact that it's Monday tomorrow...

How has your week been?: The last 7 days were a bit more tiring than usual since I was F2F for three consecutive days, and the commute for all those days were absolute pains in the ass. 2.5 hours from Rockwell to my village :(

My company did give us Friday to be our mental health break day, though, so I'm very grateful to get another 3-day weekend.

Have you ever thrown up becaue you were crying too much?: Once or twice, maybe?

How much effort did you put into your last relationship?: I could've taken it down a notch by like 300%, that's all I'll say.

Last thing to really piss you off?: That old lady who cut me off at the restroom yesterday.

Are you a patient person?: I am unless someone gives me a reason not to be.

Do you know anyone who’s taking drugs?: Nobody that I'm aware of, no.

Do you face your problems or run away from them?: I can do both.

What would you do if someone grabbed your ass?: Hopefully I'll be aware and alert enough to stab them in the face with my car keys.

I've been catcalled and whistled at and gawked at by men before, and the shittiest thing about these situations is that you think you'll always be brave and headstrong about it, then when they actually happen in real life you end up freezing up and only processing what just happened like 5 minutes later. And then regret the fact that you didn't fight back. And then get the lump in your throat from feeling violated or disrespected. So one of the top dream scenarios in my head is to actually get violent with the next man who does anything like this again to me.

Do you have impulse control?: Sure.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?: Many.

Are you gonna get married soon? Nope.

Would you ever get a significant other’s name tattooed on yourself? No. Initials would be cute, I guess, or maybe a cute inside reference like a plate of pizza or whatever; but not a full name.

Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?: I don't like anyone.

What’s it like where you’re from?: I'll just describe Metro Manila since it's more known, I live next door to it anyway, and because my own city is mostly uneventful and residential.

Metro Manila can be great only if you're in the middle or upper class. Nightlife is alive and spread out in many different parts (BGC, Poblacion, Makati, Ortigas...list goes on), and if you're into culture and stuff there's a good mix of museums, musicals and concerts, and concept restaurants to visit any time, any day. We're fluent in English, so if you're a foreigner you will never have a problem communicating; our pronunciation is also quite clear compared to our Asian counterparts so comprehension won't be an issue for you.

On the contrary, life is brutal and unforgivingly so if you're from the working class. Many children still don't get to go to school, or, if they do, get subpar quality of education which can affect their chances of success because we place such a big and pressuring fucking deal on school; and half of Filipinos consider themselves food-insecure. If you've seen documentaries here and there you might be familiar with 'pagpag' and that's definitely a reality for the poorest of the poor.

Gap between rich and poor is glaring, and it's an all too common occurrence to have super exclusive villages with swanky houses that have swimming pools and their own massive golf course and country club to be situated quite literally next to informal settlers. A mutual problem we all share is the commute – trains can get crowded and aren't the most maintained; and even if you have your own car you need to mentally prepare yourself for a daily total commute time of anywhere between 2-5 hours. Salaries are also shit, which is why you'll find many Filipinos even from the middle class living with their families until well into their 20s and 30s.

Personality-wise, Filipinos especially those working in the business districts generally live a very fast-paced life, super workaholics and very serious – but across all classes and backgrounds, we still know how to have our fun :) The stereotype that we're hospitable is also very true. Social media plays a big role in our lives – to a fault. We know what's trending and stuff so we're very in-touch in that respect, but social media has also influenced national elections by giving birth to disinformation, troll farms, etc. We're known for our passionate fandoms, and a good, good portion of Filipinos are into at least one K – K-drama, K-pop, K-fashion, etc.

The Philippines in general remains, and I think will always remain, to have a tightly traditional culture. Fortunately if you're in any one of the more high-end spots like BGC the people are more modern-thinking so feel free to express yourself however you'd like.

What else...weather varies across hot, hotter, and hottest except from January-February when it can be much more forgiving. I think that's all I can think of right now. You've hit my culture-passionate bone with this q, so thanks!

Do you remember your dreams?: Only very occasionally.

Are you happier now, or 3 months ago?: Definitely happier now. I'd say 'at peace' is more apt, though.

Do you play video games?: Not at the moment but I am hooked to a phone game currently hah.

is there a song that when you hear it, it takes you back to a certain time?: Sure.

What’s your favorite movie?: Two for the Road.

is there someone of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?: Most things, but not everything.

Would you do anything on a dare?: Only if it's a harmless, stupid one. I won't do anything that like, disturbs my peace or contrasts with my values or anything heavy lol.

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psykoticrefuge · 2 years

Text

Trans stuff:

So my doc follows wpath standards and it's honestly frustrating. Cause when we started all this and grabbed my baseline hormone levels, I'm a heavy T producer. Not extremely high but we'll above the average for a cis male. I was a hairy boy, this made/makes sense.

I got my refill of sublinguals over a month ago and knew that we were gonna discuss injections this most recent appointment and so I changed it up how I was taking them. I added an extra pill in the middle of the night. Which brought me to 8mg a day, 2mg every 6 hours, and let me tell you.. I felt great.

Had a noticeable surge in breast tissue development, libido came back more (which helped with atrophy issues), and just mentally I was doing a LOT better. When we did blood work I didn't think far enough ahead to drop the 4th pill a couple days in advanced and so the levels were "high" and comment was made about that.

I do wanna pause and say, it's really hard to get a read from my doc. He's made some positive remarks about transition but also there is almost a layer of a condescending tone during appointments. My wife has gone with for in person visits and agrees it feels off.

Anyways, still got to go on injections (Yay!) and I know I'm not a doctor. But my organ function was perfect. Liver, kidneys, thyroid, heart, all that, was within the appropriate levels. So it makes sense to me that if my cis body is producing higher T then it would be more in line with its base functionality to have higher E as well. Anecdotal and blood evidence supported this. Wife says I was doing better and I felt better. As a severely traumatized AuDHDer this is rare for me. I've had depression/anxiety since my teens and am currently working through an incredibly rough burnout.

The point?

I wish transition stuff was more in the hands of the individuals rather than doctors. I'm thankful he's there to read and interpret my blood work results but it sucks that we have to fit ourselves into these standards of care rather than forge our own path. It's why I support DIY and truly believe that HRT should be over the counter. All of it. All. Of. It.

Because of money stuff I haven't been able to get my injections yet and the pharmacy said it's on backorder so that's been a fun scramble to try and find it. Because of this I'm still on my 6mg a day and just, I can feel it. I can feel that difference in me. My mood has been lower (lot of extenuating factors tbh) my drive has gone back down, and in general I feel.. worse. Not bad bad worse but, noticeable.

And I can't help but relate the whole thing to disability justice and the Healthcare for All fight. We may not be doctors but we live in our bodies every day and we know our bodies best. (Also neurodivergent justice, like it's just so connected! >.<) If a patient feels good/better and organ function levels reflect no worries, we should be able to have a say even if other levels are "outside standard deviation". We should have a say no matter what, but you get what I mean.

It makes me sad/mad that the Hirschfeld institute was destroyed and all that research with it. So much was lost. Most of our data on feminization comes from post menopausal cis women.. trans bodies are different! And being the target of the far right (more connectivity: also being disabled I'm a double target) it's just.. *sigh* this will turn into a completely different post if I continue this route.

HRT should be over the counter and medical patients deserve a greater say in their care. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. If you're cis, please think about what I've said when you vote or when you join us in the fight for liberation. Our struggles are not that far from each other.

Peace, Panache, and Pancakes,

Rivr

#trans #transgender #trans woman #hormone replacement therapy #trans rights #disabled #disability justice #lgbtqiia+#neurodivergent #trans stuff #universal healthcare #mtf #nonbinary #personal experience #trans pride #lgbtqiia+ pride #lgbt pride

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atlantic-riona · 2 years

Note

For your Inklings story, 📖 for the Cat's presence in the story? I liked Hope's friendship with the Cat and would love to hear more about them, if you have anything you'd like to share.

📖 - tell me about something that helped inspire this part of the story

I recently moved, and the place I moved to has a cat. I grew up with dogs, and rarely had good experiences with cats. (I like cats, but they tend to not like me for some reason - one time I was over at a friend's house, sitting alone quietly in the waiting room, when her cat started chasing me around for no reason. I had barely interacted with this cat, so idk what I did to make it upset 😅).

I don't hate cats - like I said, I really like them - but this is the first time I've been in close quarters with one long term. So part of the Cat's character comes from the things I've observed of this particular cat in my life. The other part comes from cats that have appeared in various stories I loved as a kid - Time Cat by Lloyd Alexander, Coraline by Neil Gaiman, to name a couple.

The idea of having a cat as a guide in a mystical land is one I've been playing around with for years, but I've never had a chance to use it yet. The idea of cats not really having a name because they don't need names like humans do - hence "the Cat" - comes directly from Coraline and Time Cat. It seems like such a cat-like thing, so my muse grabbed onto that and held it tight.

Hope's friendship with the Cat was not planned at all. The original plot of the story - which I thought I could fit into a short story, but turned out to be more of a novel - did not have the Cat feature at all. I knew roughly that Hope was alone, that she was around other children but didn't really have close friends, and that she was a bit of a dreamer. I was actually pretty stuck on how to open the story, and one day, driving home after a bike ride around my old neighborhood, I was watching the autumn leaves fall in the sunlight against the blue of the sky, thinking vaguely about childhood memories from autumn, and then this line (or something like it) popped into my head:

" 'They've captured the Jay,' the Cat said."

And then I could see the opening of the story, with Hope sweeping the steps, talking to the Cat. It was pretty rough, actually, getting it all down, because I was holding it in my head, trying not to forget what I wanted to write, but also trying not to go too far into the story before I could write any of it down, and I came home, opened the door, and there was a guest there, so I had to wait an hour or so before I had the chance to write anything.

I like the world and the story, and I'd definitely like to explore it more (especially because I didn't get to actually do the plot I wanted). Some of the stuff I wanted to put in but couldn't fit was about Hope and the Cat. The idea was that Hope, being a solitary child, would have done a lot of wandering and dreaming on her own, and at one point would have discovered the Cat. To everybody else, the Cat looks like a statue, but to Hope it looks like an ordinary cat. The other children have caught her talking to it fairly often; the Cat is really Hope's only confidant. I'm not quite sure who the Cat is, tbh. I'm hoping I'll find that out if I keep writing.

Thanks for the ask!

#asks #inklings challenge #my writing #hope springs

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transboysokka · 8 months

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How did that relationship with a mutual end?

okay sooo SUPER sorry if they end up finding this (they wont but still) and also im sure they NEVER think about it anymore but like i said this is tragically the only relationship i was in and i was SUPER in love lol

idk how much of this i shared before but im just gonna be super honest about it even if it makes me sound really bad but i was like... 21 at the time? lol

but here's the drama (be careful, it gets a little triggery with like. consent and stuff)

So I fell fast and hard in love, right. High school and college were SUPER rough for me so I think I was just glad to get attention from ANYONE even if it wasnt gonna be a perfect fit???

distance is never easy. from the getgo we lived like 5? hours away from each other and i was the only one driving (way too often) to go see them. i went like every weekend even though i had classes and homework and exams and stuff. My friends were telling me I was so dumb and I was like nooooo it's fine

ALSO okay so they were like in the middle of recovering from a major eating disorder and my friends were also like "hey this is like a bad time for you both to be doing a relationship then?" and i was like NAHHHHHH but also they were super private about it and it like never came up AT ALL and so

their dad made them move home like a month into our relationship so they could continue their recovery (totally fine and normal move right??) but i was like THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL and so i used a credit card to buy them a flight back over to spend a weekend with me ooooof

even then like there were some issues like it was the first time my friends met them and they were all "nah this sucks" and they were like super disrespectful to my friends and i just laughed it off

this is also the first time consent issues came into play like we LOVED making out lolllll but tbh it was all i was even interested in bc the medication ive been on my whole life kills my libido (this is WAY TMI IM SO SORRY) BUT we were messing around and they decided to give me a huge visible hickey in a place i had sAID i was totally uncool with

but it was totally fine right? because i loved them lollllllll

things were already also kind of weird here bc i was like "uh i think im a boy actually would u still love me" and they were like "i think im a girl actually but also a lesbian" and then we jUST KEPT MAKING OUT????

also they like... made me introduce them to my family??? when i was totally not ready for that and while we both IDed as nonbinary we definitely came across as a lesbian couple which i was NOT prepared to deal with my family about

i introduced them as a friend but they were super touchy and clingy and possessive and my mom was like 'oh so you're dating' and it was actually the worst most embarrassing thing ever

okay i know this is getting long but anyway they went back home again and heres where it gets REALLY spicy

im planning to present at this conference with my mom in another city and it's kind of a huge deal for us. i get a call from [ex] that their dad is going to [I don't remember the word for it but it's when you can legally send someone to a psych hospital against their will because it's for their own good] and MY DUMB ASS was like IT'S OKAY IM GOING TO BUY ANOTHER FLIGHT TO GET YOU OUT OF THE STATE AND COME HERE TO MY CONFERENCE

so lol that happened

we got a hotel that night! uhhhhhhh more MAJOR CONSENT ISSUES and tbh we're both at fault because i could have done a MUCH better job communicating what i was feeling but yeah basically Trauma happened to me

OKAY HERES THE KICKER. I THEN DRIVE THEM SIX HOURS TO ANOTHER CITY to fly out bc that's where they wanted to fly out from????

we said our 'i love you's and 'bye's

they called me THAT NIGHT and said 'hey lets take a break' and i NEVER HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN LMAOOOO

like was that probably the best thing for both of us YEAH but BOY i cried for days and i knew it was because of the sex lolllllll ANYWAY SO THERES THAT STORY

#quesTian #tian talks #WARNING this one is a WILD RIDE

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writerfae · 1 year

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Hi! I just remembered that you said Valentin was Talon's ex, and could I get more details on this?

Also, I wanted to ask what Aiden and Maya's friendsip is like because I know at least a little about Aiden's relationships with everyone else except her!

Hey there! It’s funny, I don’t even exactly remember how i came up with the thing with Talon and Valentin tbh, but I think it’s a neat little detail about Talon and the opportunity for jokes is too good to miss. And maybe I also wanted to state that Aiden is his type without saying it oops

Valentin is pretty much Talon’s ex-affair. They weren’t exactly dating, just flirting for fun and hooking up from time to time.

The two know each other from guard training (Val was in his third year when Talon was in his first). They are friends, if not really close ones (Talon insists they are mainly acquaintances) and they hang out with the same people.

Their whole *ahem* arrangement started on a night out with some other guards from their friend group when Talon was at the end of his second year in training.

Pretty much just your typical “hey we’re drunk and you’re attractive so let’s have some fun” kind of story.

And they came to the agreement to just keep having fun together, at least once in a while.

Valentin wasn’t looking for anything serious cause he’s in love with his childhood best friend, Talon didn’t want anything serious because he was afraid of attachment, so they were both fine with it

Now you might wonder why Talon did that. Truth is, he is just about as touch-starved as Aiden and Valentin was his type (brown-haired idiot) so that’s why. Also with Val in love with someone else there was a smaller risk of him wanting something serious with Talon.

They broke it off only a short time before the story starts, Talon actually encouraged Val to try and win over his crush. He was too busy for an affair anyway

Aiden and Maya are really cute together, they develop a very good friendship that I love to think about.

In the story Maya is a great support, she’s helping through small things. For example, she talks Talon into helping Aiden and helps him with his dream about the deer.

I think Aiden greatly appreciates her.

Right from the start Maya understands him in a way the other two don’t, since she too grew up in the human world and only later came to the other real.

She sympathizes with Aiden because of the strange situation he finds himself in. Plus, she likes him.

Aiden likes her right from the start too, because she’s nice and explains a lot about the realm to him. She grounds him a bit, you could say, cause she’s someone who knows how he feels.

The thing is that Maya actually grew up in Aiden’s neighborhood village and the two have actually met as children a couple times, though none of them remember it.

Aiden’s mother was one of Maya’s mom’s customers on the monthly market and Aiden sometimes accompanied her to her trips to the neighborhood village’s market.

So they have a mini past with each other, which is cute.

I can’t even quite explain why I do, but I feel like Aiden and Maya match the best personality-wise. I think they’ll become pretty close.

They seem like two people that can enjoy the other’s company without talking necessary, but who at the same time have great late night talks with each other.

I like to joke that Maya is at least a little in love with Aiden and I think she just might be, just more on the platonic level rather than a romantic one.

For Aiden she’s almost like a little sister, they have a very sibling like bond (though that’s mostly in my head, these relationships grow with time so idk how much of it is present in the story itself).

I hope that answered your questions ^^ I apologize for the late reply, this week is pretty rough. That only makes me more excited about getting asks from you though, cause those are always a nice surprise after a stressful day at work. So thanks for that! :)

#writer speaks #writeblr #wip: the knights of the alder

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lambsearandlavender · 2 years

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So, stuff has been really rough lately on the hypersomnia and seizure front, and this year I've started having a lot of dizzy spells aside from postictal stuff... and I'm really at a point that I'm calling in sick to work about once a week and worried about keeping my job, so I called my doctor and sobbed on zoom again, as you do.

Anyway I didn't think she'd have much she could do for me, but as always she listened and we came up with some stuff. She's going to give me ....oof, brain fog ... intermittent fmla for the sick days.

She's ordering a tilt table test after asking me some questions about POTS, and I'm not sure I quite fit it, but I'm happy to do the test bc I definitely fit some of it.

Then she asked me a bunch of questions relating to EDS and connective tissue stuff, which I think I match even less aside from joint pain and fatigue, but my naturopath has asked about the possibility of connective tissue disorders in the past too, so I'm being referred to see a doctor who really goes out of their way to work with those patients plus pots, mcas, all the spoonie zebras I guess. And again I'm super happy to see them bc at least they'll have an open mind and know a lot of the hard to spot, hard to diagnose things which... if anyone will figure me out, it'll be someone who likes that stuff. So that's hopeful, like tbh I know at this point I may never have full answers, but I'd love to talk to anyone who takes an interest in cases like mine.

Yeah I'm rambling, sorry. I'm also going to do some pt geared towards chronic fatigue syndrome (which we did confirm my diagnosis of) to hopefully work on my mobility and stamina without overdoing it or causing flares. Rn I'm at a point that my pain is usually gone at rest, but flares with just a few minutes of activity; I can walk about 15 minutes without a cane... for me, that's big progress from where I was a couple years ago, but I'd like to keep working on it so I can take more walks, maybe hike or dance again one day.

Note that my goal isn't to not need mobility aids, but just to increase how mobile I can be in general; rn I get 15 minutes alone or maybe a few hours with a cane and pain meds and a day to rest after. But I'd like to do more and spend less time recovering, even if I'm happy to keep using a cane to get me through outings.

Idk, um. I'm not sure about POTS or EDS but yeah, I at least feel like maybe we'll find something or have a lightbulb moment. Or maybe we won't. I'm glad we're still trying things though and still trying to figure it out.

#pots #spoonie #chronic illness #cfs/me #idk just updates

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buckyshusband0 · 3 years

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ᴅᴇʟɪᴄᴀᴛᴇ ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴜʀᴇꜱ

Requested: Yes or No

Summary: When Sam had told Bucky about the amazing wonders of the internet, he didn’t expect to find something so pleasurable. Bucky Barnes so happens to come across your mature content, but there’s one problem. You’re his next-door neighbor...

Pairing: Neighbor!Bucky Barnes x Camboy!Male Reader

Word count: 5.7k+ // any mistakes I own

Warnings: +18, Fluff, Smut, slow burn(?), unprotected sex, breeding, sir/daddy kink, Bucky being shy and flustered around you (not really a warning tbh), praising, pet names (doll, baby boy), rough sex, recorded sex, bondage, mature themes.

A/N: Thought this was hot in my head and I was like “Hey, I can just write it.” So, this is it I guess? I have so many drafts worth of fics so y’all should be expecting more and more. Enjoy my loves!! Reblogs and comments are appreciated💙!!

₊˚ˑ༄ؘ MASTERLIST | TAGLIST

THE sound of light — but also heavy — knocks could be heard from Bucky Barnes’s apartment. Ever since the events of his best friend, Steve Rogers, leaving, he moved into a nice — homey — apartment.

Bucky turned away from the microwave, which was heating up his meal, with his icy blue eyes. He turned his attention to the wooden door, which was being struck with small knocks. His brows furrowed in confusion till he realized he had invited his good friend over.

Sam Wilson.

Sam had been there for Bucky 24 hours a day, seven days a week since Steve left for Peggy. He made it a priority to drop by whenever he could just to hang out with his best friend. They're inseparable.

Bucky picked up his feet from one spot to another until he made it to the wooden front door. He licked his dry pink lips before opening the door — which he was greeted by the view of Sam holding a bag of chips and some sauce. Bucky let out a small chuckle.

“Hey, Buck! I got us some chips & dip. Now let me in.” Sam urged the six-foot man who stood over him. Bucky shook his head and showed a grin before moving to the side to let Sam in his apartment.

When Sam entered the flat, he was met by the same apartment look that never appeared to change. On the floor, an old-fashioned rug was placed. In their own way, the paintings were somewhat beautiful. Then there was the manly odor that assaulted his senses.

Bucky closed the door shut with his huge hand on the knob. Connecting his blue eyes with his pal's brown eyes. Sam was not new, so he entered the nice living room and switched on the flat-screen television. Bucky, on the other hand, returned to his meal.

Sam let out a heavy-needed sigh from losing his patience. He got up from the dark grey couch and walked his way into the — small-like — kitchen. He raised his eyebrow at the view in front of him.

"Can you tell me what you're making?" The man who removed his dinner from his microwave was puzzled by Sam. He then laughed at the food that had been served. "Shut up..." Bucky mumbles.

After looking at the plate, Sam spoke up. "Is that the chicken alfredo my sister prepared two days ago?" Bucky remained deafeningly silent throughout the altercation. "Hey, man, I've figured it out! She's a fantastic cook!" Bucky's shoulder was slapped by Sam.

“Yeah, whatever.”

When Sam opened the fridge, he was met with the sight of — nearly nothing inside. He shook his head and let out a small chuckle. He returned to the living room with a couple of beers in his heavy hand.

As he carried the dish of food in his hand, Bucky let out a — heavy — sigh. He took a seat next to the brown-eyed man and looked at the television. Of course, it was a game of football. When it came to Sam and his football games, there was nothing new. "Can we watch something other than football?" Bucky decided to speak up.

Sam narrowed his eyes before letting out a deep grunt. He switched through every channel — which not to mention, they were all boring. After minutes of switching and switching, Sam’s eyes widen from an idea that sparked its way into his mind.

"Hey, I've got an idea." "Oh no, you having ideas is never a good thing." Bucky shook his head in the direction of Sam, who had just licked his lips. "It's not horrible at all. Consider it as assisting a friend in need." Sam made fun of him. Bucky nodded after rolling his eyes.

Sam could almost feel the excitement coursing through his blood. He grabbed the laptop from the desk and sat it down on the coffee table. “Since the last time you were really here, which was the 40s-” He was cut off by Bucky. “Are you calling me old?”

Sam looked puzzled before nodding. The blue-eyed man’s lips parted in shock, but he let Sam continue. “Back to what I was saying, I wanna show you a world full of imagination~” “Carry on....”

“It’s called the internet.”

Bucky pinched his brows at his hairline as he watched Sam's fingers type away on the computer. Sam exclaimed, "It has everything you could ever want." “Everything?” Sam smirked and nodded. "Yes, it has that-" Sam was interrupted by the sound of a man yelling.

He cocked his head from the — outrageously — loud man yelling. “Who the hell is that?” Sam murmured. Bucky shook his head before getting up from the couch. “I’m about to see...”

Bucky strode to the door, his heavy feet lifted from the floor. When he opened it, he saw an elderly man shouting at a boy who held a small frame. Bucky's breath became hitched from the boy's beauty for a brief second before returning to reality.

“Listen here, I don’t know who you think you are, but just because you’re new doesn’t mean you have the right to blast music!” The man with grey shrieks of hair hissed. You rolled your eyes, not really caring what he was saying towards you. ‘New my ass’ You think.

“Look, the music wasn’t even that loud. Is there anyone else complaining?” You moved your hands gesturing to the halls. Not seeing no one else except for a blue-eyed man who stood still.

As he got closer to you, the elder man let out a loud growl. His skunk radiates from his body and into your nose. You could have puked at that point, but you didn't. "I don't fucking-" The brown-haired man approached him to cut him off.

"Hey, hey. Let's take a deep breath and relax. Okay?" The words flowed easily from his mouth. His voice was deep, and goosebumps ran down your spine. Your (e/c) eyes met his cold blue ones.

“And who do you think you are?” The old man scoffed.

“I’m James. My brother so happens to be the man who runs this complex. So, if I were you,” He poked the man’s chest. “I would advise you to walk back into your apartment without any issues.”

Bucky lied.

Before walking back to his apartment, the elderly man gave you and Bucky a harsh scowl. "I'm curious as to what got his pants all twisted up." You laughed. Bucky's lips were slightly parted as he gazed at you. Not knowing what to say to a boy who is as attractive as you.

“I-I’m James. But you can call me Bucky.” “I know, you said your name to that guy~” You teased him. Bucky felt heat rush to his face as he felt — butterflies? Ever since recovering from his past. Bucky hasn’t had the heavenly feeling of butterflies since the 40s.

“Right, I apologize.”

Bucky would be lying if he said he remembered the sensation of butterflies. From seeing you, all that was left on his face was redness. Your sly grin made him feel something — something questionable.

"Well, I'm (y/n), Mr. James, it was a pleasure to meet you." As you walked back into your flat, you winked. Bucky was only able to see the wooden door. As he shook his head, a smile appeared on his face. The feeling of love consumed his stomach and warm veins.

“Someone’s got a crush...”

Sam’s manly voice ringed through Bucky’s ears. He rolled his eyes from annoyance and decided to speak up. “No... no, I don’t.” Bucky lied to himself. James Bucky Barnes definitely has a crush.

-- -- --- --- -- --

His thick fingers started to tremble.

As Bucky laid down in his — warm and comfortable — bed, with his laptop laying down on his thick thighs, his eyebrows furrow as his icy blue eyes inspects the bright laptop screen. Fingers became numb.

He started to question whether or not if — what he was thinking was really a good idea. Sam did tell him that the internet had EVERYTHING. So why not see if they have what he really wanted to type in that search bar. Bucky’s brows furrow even more.

He let out a — deep and raspy — sigh as he typed what he truly wanted — no. Needed to see. The words “Two men having sex” were typed onto the search bar. Waiting to show every single result.

People weren't as accepting in his time — the 1940s — as they are now. Men were incapable of loving men, and women were incapable of loving women. People might even have considered it a sin to have sexual urges with someone of the same gender. Those wicked, corrupted thoughts were capable of killing a single innocent soul.

But Bucky remembered what his pal — Sam, said to him. It’s a new time. A new era. Most of the people accepted who others were. Whether they were gay, lesbian, bi, trans, etc. People had gotten more comfortable with their sexualities without having to be judged.

So why should Bucky feel judged?

His eyes narrowed at the computer screen. ‘Yeah, I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my sexuality. I am who I am.’ Bucky thought to himself. So, without waiting for another second, he pressed the enter button.

“Woah...”

There were so many links to choose from. A sly smirk grew onto the blue-eyed man’s face as he pressed a link. ‘So many fucking videos.’ He thought to himself after scrolling and scrolling. Videos from men giving blowjobs all the way to men breeding other men.

Drool fell from his plump pink lips.

“So, Sam wasn’t lying when he said it had everything?” Bucky mumbled to himself. He clicked on a video that intrigued him the most. As the video started, an ad popped up.

There was a boy with a smaller frame in front of a camera, which captured a lovely shot of his body and chin. His face was hidden. Bucky's left brow raised as he studied the URL. "CLICK HERE: (y/c/n) is now live!" states the link. His blue eyes inspected it.

“What could go wrong?” Bucky sounded unsure for a — quick second. The link took him to a website where there sat the boy. He was patiently sitting there waiting for more people to join.

Bucky licks his pink lips as he sees the number of views increase. What used to be 5 views — changed into 1.5k viewers in a span of 2 minutes. You let out a comfortable sigh as you saw enough people are there for you to start. You parted your plump lips.

“Hi, my sweet daddies~” You teased out.

Bucky just watched you as you begin to take your shirt and underwear off — slowly but surely. Your body made him drool. You brought your hands to your chest as you twisted your hard nipples.

The way you bit your bottom plump lip gave Bucky some type of indescribable feeling. Even though your face wasn’t showing, Bucky just knew you were perfect. The perfect little slut that can give him the pleasure he desires — The Desired Pleasure he desires.

“Thank you for the tips!” You pulled your hands away from your nipples as you buckle your legs up. Revealing your tight hole that begged to be fucked by a girthy cock. Bucky felt his pants become tight as his cock poked his pants. Wanting to be freed.

He palmed his meaty cock through his — now tight pants. His eyes closed as his breathing became heavy. A sinful smirk grew on the one flesh-armed soldier. Fuck you were like a God. How could a faceless boy who had the hottest body give so much pleasure to the soldier?

Without thinking for another second — he put the laptop to the side and unzipped his pants. His rough hand grasped his meaty 12-inch cock. The red throbbing tip leaked sticky — warm pre-cum.

He took a bottle of lube from the side dresser. He wanted more, despite the fact that his hot pre-cum was plenty. He needed to be able to feel more. He slid his egg-sized balls into his now-lubricated hands and massaged them. He never looked away from the Screen.

You were fucking breathtaking to the soldier.

You pulled out a dildo from the side of your bed as you showed it to the audience. You guided the dildo to your ass as you teased yourself. “I wish I could feel your real cock in my hole daddy~”

Wait a second.

That voice. That angelic — but also raspy voice — that the unknown man spoke out of his lips. “Is that... (y/n)?” Bucky questioned himself as he kept hearing the boy speak. “No, it couldn’t be...” Bucky shook his head as he got rid of that unwelcoming thought.

Bucky came back to reality when hearing small — but loud — moans come from his laptop. His lips parted as he stroked his cock from the view of you fucking your tight hole with the girthy dildo.

“Mmmm-- Fuck-- P-Please daddy! You fuck my ass so good~” You managed to get out through the mewls and moans. “Yes, baby boy, fuck yes. Daddy wants to fuck that ass so bad!~” Bucky moaned out from his faster and heaving strokes. The sensation took over him.

His eyes flashed with — dangerous and wicked lust. He imagined your tight hole swallowing his cock whole. The way his cum would paint your soaked walls with his veiny 12-inch cock. His imagination ran wild from hearing the now — louder moans escaping your lips.

Sweat begins to flow down the blue-eyed man’s forehead. His bare chest heaving from his climax rising. “I wanna cum so bad in you baby boy~” He groaned and moaned from hearing you talk dirty.

“Are you ready daddy? Do you want to cum in me? Give me your sticky and warm cum. Cum with me daddy!~” You both moaned from feeling your climax rising. “I’m cumming!” After those spoken words that left your lips, Bucky shot his huge load onto his broad chest.

He stroked his cum covered cock a few more times while covering his — used to be bouncing balls. His toes curl from the overstimulation of cumming so much, his eyes in the back of his head.

Fuck, that was the most he ever came

Before the blue-eyed man could even take his lustful — dangerous gaze away from the screen, he made sure to subscribe to you. It wasn’t a want — It was a need to make sure he watched every future cam show you hosted. Your hot loud moans ran through his ear.

As you cleaned yourself up, the comments flooded the live stream. Envy flowed through the brunette's blood after reading some of the sinful comments. Why was he envious of individuals who had never heard of the mysterious boy? That question was unanswerable.

“I cummed so much for you baby!”

“I wish that tight hole was mine and only mine.”

“I need you so fucking bad.”

The number of comments grew rapidly. You parted your plump lips. "It was a lot of fun. I'll see you all again soon!~” In a sing-song tone, you said. That voice... Bucky's thoughts were consumed by only one thought. He was going to find out who the faceless boy was.

-- -- --- --- -- --

A light knock can be heard.

Bucky jumped from his current spot on the couch. His face twisted as he walked closer to the oak wooden door. As he opened it, the person who has been on his mind 24/7, appears in his icy vision.

A sudden rush of panic gets sent to the blue-eyed man as he sees you. His metal hand grasped the door and slammed it shut in your face. You jumped from the sudden action and your brows furrowed. He blows out a shaky breath before widening his eyes.

“Fuck...” He had realized he just slammed the door on you. He swallows a lump in his throat as he stands up straight. Trying to be the more confident man than you were. When he opened the door, he saw your confused face. He surely had to explain that action.

“Are you okay?” You chuckled and Bucky just nodded. Red rushing to his face as his icy blue eyes connect with yours. “S-Sorry about that. I h-had saw something” ‘Fuck stop stuttering Bucky!’ He thought to himself. You really made the six-foot man nervous.

You just nod as your face relaxes. “Well... I was just going to ask if you wanted to maybe get some drinks at the bar downtown?” A sly smile grows onto your face as you spoke to the — obviously shy brunette.

Fuck that voice...

The same voice that escaped your lips rang through Bucky’s red ears. That voice that he heard from the wicked Livestream that occurred last night. ‘No, (y/n) isn’t that boy... stop thinking that.’ Bucky tried oh so hard to convince himself that you weren’t the camboy.

Bucky hadn’t noticed, but his plump lips were slightly open as a result of not letting a word out. He instantly nodded at your question and grabbed his jacket from the — wooden coat racket.

● 20 Minute Time Skip ●

As you and Bucky walked into the — nearly worn-down — bar, the heavy scent of booze and — slightly good food — filled the air. The sight of guys of various ages cheering and watching sports twisted your face. You patted his shoulder, indicating that he should follow.

You both took a seat on the warm cushion stools at the bar. Bucky’s face was still painted with a deep red from the result of you touching his shoulder. Just the touch of you made him nervous. The bartender walks closer to you both and asks what you want.

You ended up ordering a milkshake and Bucky ordered a beer — although it wouldn’t affect him. Being the super soldier that he is. After a couple minutes of silence, the only thing that filled the bar was music and men screaming — you decided to speak up to Bucky.

“So... James, tell me more about yourself. Like how old are you?” You puzzled the man right beside you. He looked at you for a second before opening his mouth to speak the unknown words.

“106.”

You let out a loud laugh. Bucky sent you an awkward smile and laugh from seeing you in the current state. He really wishes he was joking. You could sense that he wasn’t joking — At all. “Oh my God, you’re serious?” Your tone went from a joking one into a questioning one.

Bucky scratched the back of his neck as you stared into his piercing blue eyes. As you put your index finger into the milkshake, your gaze was pulled from his eyes. Your finger went inside your mouth. Bucky began to feel — that dangerous sense that he felt all over again.

The way your lips sucked your finger.

Bucky shook his head, attempting to clear his mind of lusty thoughts. But how could anyone not want to be touched by you? He understands that it would be the most delightful experience of his life. 'Fuck no, this is so wrong. For God's sake, he's your neighbor!'

You ordered a cheeseburger with a side of fries. That one bite that was taken from the juicy meat — made you let out a moan. Bucky’s breath became shaky from hearing the same moan from the live... If you were the naughty camboy — he was sure going to figure it out.

That’s when the blue-eyed man got an idea.

"Hey, (y/n)? What do you do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?" Bucky questioned you. "I work at a cafe," you replied after raising your brow for a brief while. " It's only about four blocks away." You smiled at the man in front of you.

But there was something strange about his expression.

He nodded his head. “Oh, okay.” He took the second beer in his hand to avoid another awkward talk between you and him. ‘Where the fuck is your game at Barnes?’ Bucky spoke to himself under his breath. He used to flirt so well with the ladies in the 40s, but now?

He’s just a super-soldier who has no game.

After a few more hours, you and Bucky decided to call it a day — a very awkward day — and leave the bar. You two returned to the complex and you stood next to your wooden door.

“I enjoyed my night with you, James. I’ll see you very soon.” You gave a grin to the blue-eyed man and noticed his face turn red. It somehow amazed you how a boy like you — can have such a strong effect on the strong super-soldier. The way he blushes every time you’re around.

“It was nice to see you too doll.” Bucky’s eyes widen from the sudden nickname that slipped from his plump pink lips. A sudden urge of fear surged through his body as he saw you smirk. “I-I’m sorry, that came out by accident...” He mumbled — but you could still hear him.

“It’s all good James. I actually like it.”

That was the last thing you said before walking back into your apartment. Bucky felt a sting in his chest. The feeling of love consumed him. Love is hard to find, but when it came to you, Bucky couldn’t just describe what ran through his cold veins.

He walked into his apartment, took his jacket off, and set it on the coat rack. His phone made a ‘BEEP’ sound which caused him to pull it out of his pocket. “(y/c/n) is now live!” The notification stated. Bucky took a small bite to his lip before going into his bedroom.

Bucky couldn't stop thinking about you being the boy on screen after you introduced everyone. It was something he didn't want to be true. But he couldn't ignore the moan he overheard from your lips today at the bar. He's hearing the same — wicked moan right now. He pulled his aching cock out, and it was time for another naughty session.

Bucky made it a promise to himself to figure out if you were the camboy or not. It was driving him insane from connecting all the dots. From the moans all the way to the voice. Bucky Barnes is — and will find out who the naughty boy behind the bright screen is.

-- -- --- --- -- --

Bucky had begun to panic.

He had invited you over for a date night — a real date night. Panic was the only thing coursing through his veins as he set his blue-eyed gaze onto the clock. It ticked and ticked which made him worry.

“Fuck, Sam where are you?”

Bucky had asked that his good old pal ask his sister, Sarah if she could prepare a delicious, warm, home-cooked meal for the date. Even though you were supposed to be at his apartment in a few minutes, Sam was nowhere to be found to deliver the dinner.

He took a glance around his apartment.

It did not look appealing.

There were clothes that were falling from the hamper. That same musky smell illumed through the apartment. Dishes were in the sink — yet to be washed. If the blue-eyed man wasn’t really panicking before, he sure was now. He hurried around to clean up the mess.

The smell of Febreze took over the — used to smelly apartment. Bucky heard a knock which signaled him it was Sam. He ran to the door and was greeted by a smiling Sam.

“Took you long enough!” Bucky took the food from Sam’s hands and set it nicely on the coffee table. “Hey man, not my fault you asked me last minute.” Sam laughed, and Bucky sent him an unknown glare. He let out a sigh as he put the red (or white) wine on the table.

“Whatever, go. I have a date!” Bucky motioned Sam to the door and all Sam did was give him a sneaky grin. “You have fun with your date, Buck.” Sam bowed teasingly before leaving the flat.

Bucky looked around checking if everything was good. Food: Check. Apartment clean: Check. Bucky being VERY nervous for this date: Check. Now, all the blue-eyed man had to do was wait.

Wait for you...

● 30 Minute Time Skip ●

You sent a light knock to Bucky’s door. The door opened and the sight of Bucky smiling at you sent butterflies to your stomach. “Hi, James.” The way his name would flick right off of your tongue sent chills to his six-foot frame. He really loved the way how you said it.

“Hi, doll.” His smile never left his beat red face. “Are you going to let me in or make me stand here~” You teased the man in front of you. Embarrassment took over him from realizing he didn’t let you in.

“I am so sorry.”

He moved to the side to let you in. You took a step inside of his apartment and were satisfied with the interior. It was clean — a little too clean. Bucky guided you to the couch and you smelt an amazing home-cooked meal. Your mouth watered from the scent.

“Did you make this James?”

“Yea.” Bucky lied to you. He wanted to impress you so much that he fucking lied about knowing how to cook. What can lying about cooking do? Nothing. He gulped from nervousness and took a seat next to you on his grey couch. He grabbed the remote.

“So, what do you wanna watch?” Bucky questioned you. “Anything. I wanna see your taste in movies, James.” Bucky felt a lump in his throat since all he watched was old stuff. He finally ended up putting on Deadpool. Hoping you’ll like it since he never watched it.

● 3-hour Time Skip ●

Once the movie was over, you were getting ready to leave Bucky’s apartment. But Bucky being the gentleman he is, offered to walk you to your apartment although it was only across from his.

In a matter of a few seconds, you made it to your apartment door. You unlocked the door and opened it as it made a ‘CREEK’ sound. Bucky became somewhat nervous about what he was thinking about doing. Was he going to regret this decision? Probably... probably not.

“Well, I enjoyed-” You were cut off by the feeling of a set of plump lips forcing their way onto yours. Your eyes widen from the surprise, but then you give in. Bucky leaned in more as you walked back into the flat. He closed the door with his strong foot — not leaving your lips.

Your breath became hitched from feeling his warm tongue hit against your teeth. Begging to be entered. You let out a muffled moan which gave him the chance to enter your mouth. His hands roamed around your clothed body — the sensation sending chills down your spine.

He pushed you down onto the couch of yours. You could only see one thing in his eyes — Lust. Lust was the only thing that consumed the blue-eyed man as he licked his lips. He leaned down and pecked kisses onto your neck. You let out moans and that was the same moan from the camboy. Bucky looked at you for a second before going back.

He took your skin between his teeth as he nibbles on it. Making sure to leave hickeys. His hand roams around the rim of your shirt. He pulls it off of your body and his eyes end up gawking at you.

Fuck...

Your body was the same as the camboy. The moans, the voice, and now the body? There were too many signs to ignore. But how could one stop a moment like this just because of their mind? Bucky shook the thoughts off for now as he takes his shirt off also.

His chiseled abs were a sight to see. Bucky pulls your pants down slowly along with your underwear. You moan from feeling your cock bounce up from its freedom. Bucky looked at you again and saw nothing, but acceptance in your eyes. He turned you over.

He laid his huge hands onto your waist as he moved your ass into the air. Your tight hole was exposed to him and him only. He slowly leans over and pecks small kisses onto your spine — sending a wave of goosebumps to your whole body. “So beautiful...” He praises.

“Please Bucky...” Bucky guided his hands to your cheeks. He landed a hard smack to them which made you wince. He started to massage them in his rough hands. The feeling of the softness made his erection throb even more. His breathing became shaky from seeing your ass begin to jiggle in front of him. His lips parted and he smirked.

“You’re needy... aren’t you baby boy?~”

Where did this sudden urge of dominance come from? Where was the nervous Bucky at? Where did he go? You questioned yourself as Bucky brought you closer to his body. He pulled his cock out which seemed to be 13-inches. His cock was so girthy and huge. The veins poking out from the throb. His tip was red and pre-cum leaking down.

You swallowed a lump from the sight.

“You’re ready?” You nodded at the man, but then felt another smack to your ass. “Words baby boy~” “Y-Yes daddy.” You could hear him chuckle from hearing you submit to him. It’s like roles reversed.

You were once the confident and flirty one, and Bucky was the shy one. But now? It’s like the roles were reversed. Bucky guides his fingers to your lips. “Suck~” You did as he said and took his — rather huge fingers in your mouth. Lubing them up for what was coming up next. You started to gag as saliva drooled down your chin.

He rips his fingers from your lips and strokes his cock. He then slowly pushed his inches into you. Every inch felt like a pain, but you got used to it. You let out mewls and moans from feeling him go deeper and deeper. “Does that feel good baby boy?”

“Yes..” You managed to get out.

Once his cock was in your hole, he started to thrust his girthy cock into your walls. Pre-cum leaking from your hole onto the couch. The sound of sweaty skin-to-skin slapping against each other filled the apartment. Bucky grunted from feeling your hole clench around him. His toes curled and his arms wrapped around your lower body.

His sweaty chest was against your back as he grabbed your smaller head into his hand. He nibbled on your ear and licked the side of your face with his warm tongue. Lust and Love were the only two things you both felt in your stomachs. “You f-feel so good...”

Tears started to escape your eyes as the man who was fucking you went faster and rougher. His balls slapped against your ass from the motion of fucking you so hard. You grabbed your dick in your hand and begin to stroke yourself — only for Bucky to wasp it away.

You let out a whine.

“Don’t touch yourself unless I say to baby boy~” He managed to get out of his shaky—heaving breaths. You felt your orgasm rising and you were fighting the urge to touch yourself. Not wanting to break his rules. His throbbing cock penetrated your ass.

Spots of sweat formed onto the couch from the amount of sweat that leaked from both of your bodies. His arms are still strongly wrapped around you. “Please let me cum..” Bucky smirked seeing you beg — Beg for him. It was a feeling he never thought he needed.

After a few more — very hard and fast thrust — Bucky kissed your lips again. “Cum.” He stated as he connected his lips with yours. You stroked your cock in fast motions to add more stimulation to the orgasm. Your moans were muffled as you shot your load onto the couch. Cum leaked onto your hand as Bucky felt his rising also.

“Ima cum baby boy~”

“Cum in me please daddy!”

Bucky smirked from seeing the naughty boy below him. His thrust faltered as he shot his huge, hot, white sticky load into your hole. Painting your velvet walls. The white substance leaked from your hole and onto his cock and the couch. His hair was silky from sweat.

He collapsed next to you on the couch. Both of your chest heaving from the result of having hot and steamy sex. After a few moments of getting himself together, the thoughts came back. Bucky has had enough and needed to know. If you were the camboy or not...

“Hey, (y/n)?” Bucky’s raspy voice grabbed your attention. You raised your eyebrow as you connected your eyes with his blue ones. “Yeah?” Bucky took a deep breath in and out before saying —

“Where do you work at (y/n)... like really.” You sat up from your spot confused. “I work at the cafe James. You know this.” You sent a sheepish smile to the man in front of you, but you could tell he was being serious — not wanting to play any games with you right now.

“I know you’re the camboy (y/n). You don’t have to lie to me anymore.” Your face held some type of guilt? Why were you feeling guilty? It’s your business to tell. You let out a needed sigh and nodded your head slowly at the blue-eyed man that laid next to you.

“I am the camboy James.”

He smiled before also sitting up. Your head and eyes were pointing down towards the couch. He put his finger under your chin to make you look at him. “Don’t feel ashamed doll. I’m just glad that you told me the truth.” He kissed your lips and you kissed his.

“I love you, doll.”

“I love you too, James.”

The only feeling both of you were feeling was — acceptance. Bucky had finally confronted you — which you were actually glad about, so you don’t have to lie to him anymore. Love consumed both of you.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

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