#that I didn’t go into the cycle of trying to isolate myself from my friends | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ruminate88 · 5 months

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Hi! I'm trying to learn how to be a better person and I've been reading your blog since I found it. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you get better soon. I know it's cliche to say you're not alone, but you are probably feeling like you are because narcissistic abuse includes being isolated--by being manipulated or being forced to isolate yourself. It's a very slow healing process like an amputated limb, but it WILL get better as you find peace.

Can you maybe make a post with a list of all the bad things narcs have done to you? I think listing helps.

I appreciate you reading my blog if this is all for you, I’m glad I created it. I wanted to help at least one person see a light at the end of their tunnel. Thank you for the kind words I know I’m not completely alone, I pray to God everyday and believe he hears my cries and cares but physically, yes, I don’t talk to family or friends about any of this, I stay to myself, as I’ve been ashamed and unsure if they would be able to understand all I went through and obviously not to upset family.

I can only tell you I’ve felt like a broken/bad person many of days and I don’t take all the credit in healing myself, I believe God has done most of the work. The best choice I ever made was to admit I failed my life and myself. To ask God to change me and change the direction of my life because I was totally lost not knowing what I needed or wanted!! Nothing had been working for me and I was in the vicious cycle of dating manipulating/controlling men. I HAD to make a change or I was going to hurt myself. I felt like a piece of garage that my exes threw away. 😔😔😔

Things that was hardest about narcissistic abuse:

• You don’t recognize the isolation until you’re out of the relationship with the narcissist. You’re so desperate; worried about pleasing them and making them not upset with you, you spend all your time away from people who actually care about you. Memories of those times makes me so sad to this day.

• The love-bomb phase although it appeared wonderful and my exes were paying me so much attention, I think that phase was the most sickening and disturbing phase. They literally pretend to be the “partner of your dreams” while they’re deceiving you so they can use you and control you. I had been unstable already within my mental health so I was an easy target for them to trick me. My ex Andrew told me, “I mean it with all my heart and soul that I love you and want you to text me” even though he had went no contact from me a whole week prior. Him saying such a great statement kept me pulled in to his toxic pool and I kept on drowning in it.

• so I dealt with 3 narcissists but the 2nd one, Cody, he dumped me twice but the 2nd time he did it by ghosting me. I’m not trying to be dramatic when I say it was very traumatizing… Considering you’re in trauma bond with this person. They create a false narrative that you’re both so obsessed with each other and you believe the feelings are reciprocated but they’re not!! The narcissistic relationship is extremely one-sided. So him ghosting me, he not only made me so attached and crazy about the fairytale love he made up with me but then to just ghost me and rip it all away, took my spirit at that time. I was a dead person walking after that. I saw almost NO hope for me. Then to meet Andrew not even 6 months after and I begged Andrew pleeeease don’t hurt me like Cody did but Andrew couldn’t help who he is. 💔🖤

• Another scar I have had to overcome is after I broke up with Andrew, we continued to flirt and sext a lot but then started to argue a lot. (He would claim he missed sexting me but then blame me and say I was making him wanna sext that I didn’t respect the breakup) Arguing through text is always rough because words can be misconstrued. (I couldn’t hardly get him on the phone ever to actually talk. He only wanted to text.) Andrew said very hurtful things to me. He kept changing “our story” because he couldn’t be honest with himself or take accountability for the fact he was in a real relationship with me for a year. He told me “He pretended all this feelings to just lead me on” but then quickly changed his story again to say “he was in love with me but fell out of love with me and was afraid to tell me” but the biggest slap in my face was eventually he exclaimed, “If I’m hurting you so much then just stop caring about me.” 😭 (as if I could just undo the attachment he allowed me to make with him. The many months he got my hopes up with future faking plus the promises he gave to me that I held onto but he couldn’t take accountability for anything he had done to me or with me.

• Eventually during the many arguments I had with Andrew, I hit my breaking point and had a suicide attack!! I let him know right away I was done fighting and didn’t see how I could continue on with him. I told him I wanted to end my life and then flipped a switch and pretended to be scared for me and pretended to “rescue me” blew up my phone begging me to stay and saying he’s sorry to have said what he said in our arguments. I wanted to believe him so bad. Whenever the attack subsided hours later and I was able to calmly reply to his countless pleas for me to stay, he pretended to have been so “worried about me” but then explained he believed “I wasn’t well and needed to get professional help.” He made me believe I was messed up and had so many issues…. Now I finally look back and think that was a form of gaslighting. He found something he could use to make me look like a problem and it deflected the focus off of him being a cheater and a liar. (He had a new girlfriend already) That whole situation caused me so much anger that I never saw till years later when I am now healing, I realize I had all that anger to deal with. It was uncomfortable!

• Always being nervous with their reactions and consistenly apologizing for them, as they make you to believe everything is your fault. They don’t like when you speak up against their actions and behaviors. 3 times I tried to confront Andrew as he would ignore me 2/3 days at a time but then always come back and treat me like I was his baby and he wanted me. Those 3 times I would ask if he’s too busy for us, does he want to break up and just be friends but he would always get so defensive and act upset like I was causing him so much stress. It would always end with me being sorry and telling him how much I adore him and I would kiss his feet like he was a king and he would then say the most romantic things to me and say how beautiful I was BUT I always knew in the back of my mind he was cheating and hiding stuff from me but I was scared to admit it out loud and “lose him.” My friends would tell me what a loser he was that I should leave him but I would get so upset and push my friends away. Andrew was barely there for me but I was 110% faithful to him.

• Seeking their approval was super exhausting too and it’s taken me years to relax and be comfortable within my skin. Andrew and Cody both gave me so little but they took everything from me. I was pathetic in sitting next to my phone 24/7 begging Andrew to text me and pay me attention because when he did, it was always “hey babe I missed you” and he would Snapchat me selfies and I would melt at his sparklingly blue eyes yet they were fake. Truly his eyes are black!!! I would cry for days with my phone and stalk Andrew’s social media pages hoping I don’t find other women and I could never find proof he was cheating. When Andrew would finally text me back or Snapchat me, I didn’t want him to leave again so I was throwing myself at him!! 🥴🥴🥴 I would dress up with all the makeup and sometimes no clothes on hoping to make him wanna stay and he would tell me how much I turned him on how he wanted me but didn’t wanna tell our parents about our relationship… (I just knew he was hiding things and other girls but I would not admit it for months)

They make holidays miserable 😩 •Halloween - Andrew said he was going to a party, didn’t invite me and I didn’t hear from him again till the next day. (Cheating)

• Thanksgiving, didn’t hear from Andrew at all till later that night and he was out “Black Friday shopping” and treating me like some random person he’s texting. I spent that whole day isolated during my family dinner. I had my phone on a charger in the wall and spent hours trying to type a long text message to tell him how bothered I was with his “hot and cold” behavior but every time I wanted to send it to him, I was scared he would dump me and I kept erasing my message and retyping it. People kept asking “you okay??” And I pretended I was fine. He stole that thanksgiving away from me!! (Mind you any regular day Andrew would text me just fine it was only holidays he ruined)

• Christmas - sucked!!!! No good morning babe or merry Christmas from Andrew till really late when the day is almost over. I yet again was isolating myself during family time. Stayed in my bedroom so sad why my “boyfriend” hadn’t texted me alllll day. When he did finally text, I confronted his absense and he exclaimed “he wasn’t worthy of my love” and “he wasn’t good enough for me.” I thought he was breaking up with me and I cried so hard. He swore that he wasn’t breaking up but that he believed I deserved better than him and he could never be enough for me. It was so confusing and I was actually happy when the day ended because it just sucked so much 😣

• Valentine’s Day - Was the worst one. Andrew was different the whole month of January prior. He was the best boyfriend daily talking sweet to me and showing me “affection” and selfies galore but on Valentine’s Day it felt so forced with him. I begged him would he send me a video of himself saying “I love you” and he did!!! It just all felt off. Then later that night. He was super cold. I asked him “what are your plans tonight??” He said “I never get time to myself, I’m always studying, doing homework or spending time with you.” 🥺 ouch!!! He said he just wanted to play video games and relax…. He continued to snap me some but I felt he didn’t really want to. He took time in between each response, leaving me to sit on my phone all night wishing things were better. He flirted some but that was it. I was in bed disappointed he chose video games over me on valentines day and at some point he never responded back!! I sat up till 3am letting tears fall as I gazed at Snapchat seeeing he still never opened my message… the thing with him is usually if he felt “sick” he would text me about it. So next morning he messaged me first goood morning and asked how I slept. I told him I waited up till 3am for him to respond!! THEN Andrew said “I didn’t sleep at all. I was up sick to my stomach all night”…. What?!! I knew he was lying. 😔 I asked him why didn’t he tell me he got sick and he said because he it was his stomach and he was embarrassed to say he was in the bathroom… haha (the man sent me nude selfies from his shower almost daily. He’s not embarrassed easily.)

I know this is a lot but I am finally at a place where I believe I experienced all of this so that I can better understand and relate to other people. All the anger and bitterness I had from both my exes was hard but gave me tough skin. All the nights and days I didn’t sleep worried if I was impressing them. They never deserved me to impress them but I can’t help but think maybe a small part of me touched their lives but maybe that’s just hopeful thinking. I hate to call them monsters, it makes me feel bad but I can’t hide the fact they hurt me soooooo deep. ❤️‍🩹🖤

(The list of things I endured from both Cody and Andrew could go on for many chapters. I chose the moments that I felt affected me the most)

You said it right!!! It’s exactly like a limb that needs healing. It’s every part of me. Years after I got away from Andrew, I started to randomly lose all the weight I couldn’t before. I lost a lot of hair too and I was so defensive in my marriage. My husband could say the littlest thing to trigger me and I instantly wanted to be so upset and hold everything inside to avoid any conflict. I hate confrontation it didn’t always go so easy with Andrew or Cody. It’s scary to wonder how my husband would react. Would he be different from those men?

I blocked Andrew’s number in 2015 and I didn’t learn about narcissism until 2022!!! That’s a long time that I searched for answers and I struggled in my marriage because I’ve kept a guard up scared to face anymore humiliation or disappointment in my life. Now that I understand a little more about what emotional abuse is, I began to feel everything and make more sense of it. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve worked so hard on getting my hair back and getting my gut health under control. I’m spending so much time with family and I stand up for myself more!!!! I believe there is much purpose in all the suffering I faced with the narcissists. (There just has to be) I believe all of it made me a stronger person!! Do I “miss” the false faces and the love bomb phase?? It’s addicting more than it is “missing them”. I don’t know the real Andrew or Cody. Last time I tried to Google cody, I felt like he was sooo different it bothered me so much. I basically had a one-sided relationship with total strangers who hated my guts but pretended to be in love with me… they haunt me every day but I refuse to ever reach out to them and I do try to pray for them every time I feel upset about them. What else can I do?? It’s all over! They can’t change what they did to me and I can’t make them say sorry. If God doesn’t change them, they’re never going to feel empathy for the broken heart they gave me but God is showing me love I never saw ever before. So is my husband. I’m learning just now to finally trust both God and my husband!! (Taking deep breaths because I’m safe now) I’m only looking up now! I’ve already hit my rock bottom! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Hope this is all enlightening, encouraging and helpful! Thank you again for taking time to message me!! 🥰

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microsuedemouse · 8 months

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vent post bc I’m in a crummy mood tn, sorry gang

I Know that if I want things to get better rn I need to act in some way. I Know that I’m basically the only one who can change anything about a lot of what’s making me miserable. but every goddamn problem I try to address seems to exist in a shitty evil cycle with some other problem

if I took better care of myself maybe I would be more appealing to the people I want to befriend -> if I had friends to see and didn’t feel so lonely maybe I would have the motivation to take better care of myself

maybe if I worked more I wouldn’t be perpetually broke, and I could actually do something else once in a while -> my job fucking exhausts me at ~22 hours a week; I don’t have the energy to do anything else even if I could afford it

obviously I need a better job than this one, which is sucking all the life out of me -> I do not have the energy a lot of jobs would require -> a job that suits me better might be less fucking exhausting, but I don’t have the qualifications for much -> maybe I should go back to school in some capacity -> school is expensive and I’m terrified to go further into debt without any certainty it’ll help me any

loneliness and isolation are taking an enormous fucking toll on me right now, and I’m desperate to try and connect with people around me, but I was socially anxious to begin with and the last few years have left me really out of practice -> I try to reach out to people but I fumble or my desperation shows through and progress is awkward and slow at best -> I only get lonelier and more desperate

there are people at my job I really, really want to befriend, and am slowly making inroads with, but it’s hard bc there aren’t a lot of opportunities to socialise -> again, I desperately need a different job, but I’ll lose touch with these few people and I don’t think I’m far enough along with them to stay connected, and even if there were potential friends at the next job I’d be starting from the fucking ground all over again

I am trying so hard but everything is so tangled up and difficult and I feel so small and tired and alone all the time and it’s so difficult to convince myself it isn’t all just futile

#personal #vent #I don’t rly want advice or anything I just need it out of my system #love you guys.

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memryse · 2 years

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i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #memos

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chaosandadream · 1 year

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You can’t just hurt yourself.

Sometimes we think we are only hurting ourselves when we isolate or self-destruct, and that seems true because at a time like that it seems no one else could feel or understand your pain anyway. People think their choice of poison they put in their body only hurts themselves as if it were only an individual and physical destruction.

There was a time in my life I thought I was only hurting myself and if no one knew, it wouldn’t matter. I thought it was just a phase I’d get through on my own while I try to fight my demons and figure out life. Through the years I got better, and sometimes I even think this is the healthiest I’ve ever been. So through this experience, I try to tell people it’s not worth it to drown alone, there’s no honor in saying you did it alone, there’s just a bitterness that holds you back from opening yourself up to living.

I realized you can’t ever just hurt yourself when I walked into one of my best friend’s funeral in 2021. We knew each other telepathically. We both went through the same phases of isolating and self destruction and coming back to our friends when we’re ready. We knew how it worked because we worked the same way. He’d check in on me when I’ve gone quiet or disappeared for months. He knew what that silence meant and even in the worst of times, I knew I was never alone. He was going through a self-destructive phase, but this time he pushed me away. He’s never done that. I’ll always think I should have pushed harder. This last time, he didn’t come back from that cycle. He’s gone forever and even though it’s almost been 2 years, I think about it almost every day. The reason why you can’t just hurt only yourself, even if you think it’s just you, is because you’ll never be the one to walk into your funeral, devastated, screaming and crying, crying out to God with all your heart wishing it wasn’t real.

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keefwho · 1 year

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May 27 - 2023

9:37 AM

Currently finding it difficult to focus on something. There are so many options and other things to think about. I feel upset that I don’t have more friends to turn to. I’m sad that Daisy is upset about her rats and debt. I wish I could do more for myself and others. I don’t even know what to say half the time. I’m still thinking about all the lost friendships I have and how I should be moving on. Also how I don’t want to keep adding to that pile. I don’t want to be alone, all because of how I am.

10:39 AM

I hate having to take care of myself before I can take care of others.

11:22 AM

I feel like the TOTK meme I’m making is stupid and a waste of time. I don’t even know if it makes much sense because I don’t have the full context of the story yet. Also the frame I used for ganon doesn’t make sense since it’s from the opening cutscene and I have Link responding to him with all the sage abilities already. Maybe I thinking too much into it but it’ll be stupid if it doesn’t add up. Also don’t know what to do for the background since inside the cave would definitely not make sense but that’s where I took ganon from. SO WHAT DO I DO

Maybe no background.

1:28 PM

Currently trying to distract myself from how much of a loser I feel like. I feel bitter at myself and everyone else. I wanted to socialize today but I am in no shape to do so properly. All else I know to do is to isolate.

I keep remembering that something is very wrong with me. I keep getting comfortable thinking I’m happy but I am horribly fucked up. I don’t even feel like I deserve friends. Like it’s irresponsible for me to near anyone lest I bring them down with me.

3:58 PM

It’s clear I’m not wanted but I don’t blame anyone.

I let everyone down

5:22 PM

All I’m looking forward to tonight is giga drinking. Either alone or with people that don’t want me there. WOooo

6:56 PM

lol im so fucking lonely

11:07 PM

FUCK the friendships of the past, if they let go then I will let go. At least with a couple of them I’ve tried to reach back out but they won’t reciprocate. Ultimately I don’t know who they are anymore, I am fond of who I knew them as, who they once were. They are all strangers now not worth my time. If hating them is what it takes then so be it. I want to move on from all the friendships that didn’t work out. If they were good things then they would still exist. There are good reasons each of them ended.

No matter what, no matter how bad I feel, tomorrow I have to keep myself occupied. I know the consequences if I don’t. I know how bad it is when I am allowed to fester in my thoughts. I have to keep myself present in whatever I am doing at all costs. I’m tired of continuing this stupid cycle of mine. I just want to be happy.

11:57 PM

Today was horrible, and still is. I basically didn’t do anything aside from play TOTK and finish a sketch. I hung out in VR for a little bit but I couldn’t get out of my own damn head. I’ve felt so excruciatingly alone because I fucking hate myself. I feel horrible that I feel this way, because it means I can’t have friends or be there for other people. I have to be selfish just to barely keep myself alive.

I know it was sort of a joke but on Henry’s stream he said how important it is to be able to recognize yourself in a mirror and honestly tonight, I did not recognize who I saw. It was alarming. It’s like I was looking at someone else. Someone without a purpose or identity. I’m so afraid I’ll be alone forever because I can’t come to terms with accepting who I am. Who could ever be expected to put up with me like this.

On top of that I’ve never felt like I’m someone’s priority. As much energy as I’ve put into others in my life, I don’t feel like it’s every been returned properly. I can’t tell if it actually hasn’t or if I have the inability to see it.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like it is inevitable that I will lose the few friends I have and will never be able to make new ones. I feel like I will always be alone. And it’s all my fault. No matter how much I try to be a good person or cry about it, no one is there for me. I wish I could end it all. I don’t feel like I deserve to be on this earth. No one fucking wants me. I know it.

12:33 AM

I’ve been frantically sobbing for about half an hour. I can’t stop. Please let me die, it would be so easy. I don’t think I’d be missed

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creaturebehavior · 1 year

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when taylor graduated she had a party and her grandma or aunt or someone in her family made fun of me because i was taking pictures of the cookies because they were cute and i love taylor and i wanted to capture some nice memories and photography and art are things that are important to me so i took more than one photo and a took them at appealing angles and focus on framing the shots nicely, she was like *laugh* what are you doing? 🤨

i don’t even remember what my response was, i was so taken aback.

taylor said something like “ema’s like, a photographer..” but she said it kind of joking because like i’m not a photographer obviously but she kind of knows i like photography. and at the time i was having a really sensitive day, and even taylor’s comment kind of hurt my feelings because you could tell taylor wasn’t in the mood to have to defend me for doing something a little out of the ordinary in front of her family and i was embarrassed and annoyed that i felt embarrassed, and i also could just feel like, how little taylor understood me at the time like. yeah she knows i like taking pictures but she doesn’t actually know how much i love taking pictures and that idek. i feel like a lot of women aren’t taken seriously when they’re interested in photography so it hit a soft spot for me and also i was going through it at the time and it hurt that the way taylor said i was into photography sounded like, unsure and, not annoyed but like. unamused i guess would be the word. And personally, as an artist, if my friends don’t have a light behind their voice when they say the kind of art i create, that hurts my feelings.

You can tell when someone loves you and loves that you make art. idek. it was a small interaction. and there was a lot going on at the time. it’s never just about one comment.

but I never sent taylor those pictures. or even went through them and picked the final shots.

and we stopped talking after that.

when i became friends with taylor, i felt open to the fact that we didn’t have a lot in common. i kind of liked having a friends with a different background, different lifestyle, different opinions than mine. but then along the way as i started to get sicker and having episodes it became difficult to connect with her, because when you’re rapid cycling through psychosis and mania and depression and you don’t even feel like a person anymore, it’s difficult to connect with someone who has no way to relate to what you’re going through.

i’m still trying to find the words to explain to her that i care about her but that i’m not in the place to be friends. i feel so bad for ghosting, and she knows i’m unwell and last she texted me i promised her i don’t want things to be this way. i feel bad cuz i know i probably hurt her. i didn’t know what to do when i went crazy so i isolated myself from her. i became a spiraling toxic mess so i knew i couldn’t communicate effectively

ugh what is this post even about? i’m just processing. i was going through photos and i remembered about that day. I didn’t even take that many photos either. just enough to choose from.

but i remember feeling so embarrassed and unseen after that interaction with taylor’s aunt or whoever that lady was.

maybe this is excessive to some people but idek. to me this feels incredibly reasonable. you have a couple shots to choose from per angle.

I took those photos because I loved my friend and wanted to capture some memories of her graduation party because it was a big deal to me.

i also took a couple photos of the custom flower pieces her mom made. idek.

one day i’ll send her some of the photos i took but idek. i felt so sensitive about it at the time. and unappreciated i guess. like. yeah sorry that’s my friend who… likes… taking pictures i guess…

I’m fully aware i read too deeply into things and im overly sensitive. it was a really weird time in my life. still is.

Big deal. no one normal would blow those two comments out of proportion. i’m not normal though i was in fact having a BPD episode the day of her graduation party and that’s genuinely how i felt.

i made this post purely for me btw. if you read this post then whoa lol. i didn’t see that coming

#processing #long post

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secret-thoughts-of-an-artist · 1 year

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If you see this, you can be angry.

There are a lot of things no one talks about when you leave your first “long term” relationship. They don’t talk about how empty you feel, how much you may lose or how much of yourself you struggle to find after months and months of trying.

So much of who I was became “us”. My mannerisms, my friends, my everything. The biggest thing for me is that I lost almost every single person I had known since 2019. I had graduated college and truthfully, no one really stays in contact after college, not easily anyways. I lost all the friends he and I had, which was pretty much everyone I knew at the time. It’s taken me until quite recently to realize that I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people my ex didn’t know.

There were a lot of things my ex(J) didn’t let me do. As I previously stated, I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people he didn’t know, and god forbid if I socialized with the guys at work. I couldn’t much come home and talk about work without him getting irritated because for the last eight months of the relationship, I worked in an environment filled with men. To add insult to injury, we lived with his mother and up until the day I left, I wasn’t allowed to say anything to her about the cleanliness of the living situation. I was really the only person who kept up with it and it was a struggle to fight through working 40 hour weeks, (for a bit) full-time school and maintaining a house that wasn’t even mine. Until the day I finally told him I was leaving, I wasn’t able to do anything to better myself.

Now lets really get into the nitty gritty of it. In April of 2022, he and I went to a concert where I met one of my favorite social media influencers. It was such a blessing that my ex had pushed me to at least say hi. Little did he know how much that would snowball into me finally leaving. I joined said influencers discord and was finally able to start having a “safe space” to vent about whatever was going on, until my ex joined the discord just to make a point that i was talking about him. More concerned about random people on the internet knowing how I felt about him that what my own counselor thought. Same counselor that could have said something if she were to suspect I was in immediate danger if I went home. Everyone else in the discord realized the red flags, the people I had been working with for four months at that point saw the red flags and I was still choosing to ignore them.

I had told my now ex multiple times before I finally left that I wanted to leave. Sat in the bedroom he and I had spent many, many days and night in crying, telling him I was ready to leave. When I finally did, I brought those nights back up and was told that he thought I was “gas lighting” him by saying it. I meant it every time I said it. I was so burnt out, so tired and so scared. I am into BDSM, and this man had no issue working with that, but there were times when I was genuinely scared for my safety and didn’t have a safeword to use. More than once I was put into a position where during intercourse and play, I completely shut down and started crying because I was GENUINELY terrified of what was going to happen. It took me only until recently to see just how dangerous this relationship was.

I was cut off from most of the world, could hardly visit my family, he would talk more shit about MY family than I would, he kept me isolated, scared and in a cycle of mental games so I stayed... What I could never actually admit to until now is that in order to get out, I cheated. It’s not what you think, the plan was never “oh, I should cheat on him so I have a reason to leave”. No, that wasn’t the case. Truthfully, I reached out to an old friend(M), someone I had known and had been on and off with prior to being with J. I had only reached out to check in. Only person I had ever looked up obituaries for as I knew I would struggle to continue if he wasn’t around. With reaching back out to this friend, I was invited to go and photograph him and a few friends playing in a flag football league. I went and did this, lied to J about what I was doing, who I was doing the photos for and what was going on. When I met up with this friend, I planned on just doing the photos and leaving, nothing more.

Little did I know at the time, but that one day out, lead to the end of it all. i was going to leave that day without my payment. I realized how much I still loved M. As I walked away that day to go home, I cried. I sat in my car in that parking lot and just cried because I realized how much I still needed and loved M. We agreed to let me accept the lunch portion of my payment for doing the photos and that when it came out. M and I talked, realized how much we both still wanted things and after lunch, before I left that day, we kissed. Something with so much more passion than I had felt in a long time. In that moment, I realized I was home and that going back to Massachusetts was a loveless place for me. Over the next week, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to leave J, that M and I were still just friends and that I could stick it out... I left a week after the initial photos.

This is the shit no one talks about. This is the stuff that is so difficult. I didn’t realize I was in danger until it was almost too late. Now, I’m planning my wedding for later this year with the man i’ve loved since high school. It’s scary, it’s new and it’s so difficult to adjust sometimes, but I wouldn’t have my life any other way right now. I know I’m loved, I know I’m safe and I know that no matter how much I may wonder, he isn’t going anywhere.

Cheating on J possibly saved my life.

#cheated loved beangry ideservethis

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frmthe-air · 1 year

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1 episode of SpongeBob taught me a few powerful lessons

I remember the first time I watched the episode of Spongebob where he was trying to get in the Salty Spitoon. Spongebob had always been an entertaining show so I was excited to see how this episode would turn out.

I sat on my bunkbed eating chicken tenders on my table tray spilling crumbs all over the place while I laughed at each failed attempt Spongebob made as he tried to get in the tough club.

At the time I had to be under 10 years old and I was too young to see what that episode of Spongebob would be teaching me. A lesson that I would later learn in my adulthood.

Spongebob was drawn into the lure of the club. We all knew Spongebob was not tough, he wouldn’t hurt a fly but he was adamant on proving himself. He’d come up with some scheme to prove that he was tough and it would ultimately fail horribly resulting in embarrassment or further harm to himself.

I still remember the gateway question to get into the Spitoon. “How tough are you?”. Spongebob watched as each of his friends effortlessly got into the club he was left out and isolated. The gimmicks got more and more extreme. When he finally got accepted into the Spitoon the episode literally ended because he slipped on an ice cube and had to be sent to the hospital.

Fast forward to present day now I can’t believe the message that was sitting right in front of my face the entire time. This message was something I wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way just how Spongebob did.

I have always felt the need to prove myself in various ways. Post-graduation I was learning how to be a freelancer/entrepreneur through the school of hard-knocks. The education I was receiving from the ups and downs of trying to figure out business left me often times flat broke. I was totally embarrassed many times. I saw plenty of my friends and fellow graduates take on amazing jobs with good companies.

I wanted to prove myself so bad, socially we all want to prove ourselves to people around us. No one wants to look incompetent or incapable. So I kept pushing in business stubbornly trying to make it happen. I was in a constant boom and bust cycle. Then I got tired of it for a bit. I wanted to have just a small piece of stability, I wanted to have a source of consistent income so I wasn’t in a constant state of anxiety. I saw all my friends laughing and enjoying life. Having a consistent job felt like my Salty Spitoon.

But I had made the fatal mistake of comparing my life to their’s (friends and colleagues). I thought business is so hard then working must be easy. I started doing everything I could to land a job. I spent 9 months of. the year being rejected over and over again until I finally got a job opportunity. It was for a reputable company and I felt like wow I had finally made it into the Salty Spitoon. I wasn’t in the best position I could receive but I was happy to just be in the door.

Sadly my experience would leave me just like Spongebob, going from having the greatest day of my life to slipping and being covered in “boos boos.”

If you want to hear what happens next stick around for the post

In the next post I will talk about how the grass is not always greener and what I learned from slipping on a ice cube lol

Frmthe-air

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nonbinaryhatboxghost · 1 year

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2:33pm. Been a minute. I am still overall doing okay. The Maine trip I mentioned back in September did successfully happen. All of the stuff that was in Maine was great. I got to experience so much New England autumn. Quality time with my dad went well. My Stephen King nerddom was very much indulged. Maybe I’ll post pictures at some point.

The RI part of the visit was not so successful. Seeing my grandparents was great, but being back in the RI house that I lived in for so long was a terrible experience. I don’t think I can ever stay in that house again. Without Jack (my late family cat, he passed away this year at age 19), there’s nothing really there to hide the sad cycle that’s happening in that house.

Work bullshit continues. That is admittedly my norm now.

Personal life stuff is generally going well. My anxiety does continue trying to find ways to ruin it, but I’m doing my best to not let that happen.

I recently did a week and a half of cat-sitting/apartment-sitting for a couple friends. The cat-sitting part went great, she was a sweetheart to me. That definitely helped with the isolation part of the gig. I really didn’t think hard enough about what staying in an apartment without a car and far from my social circle would do to my brain.

I’ve accepted that December holidays no longer make me happy due to many memories of forced interactions and pressure to Do Something & Be Happy. I instead did a couple of low-key things this year that were what I wanted.

I’m feeling a bit off today because I’m doing some mild self-isolation. A friend of mine recently tested positive for COVID and while I have tested negative, and it’s been 5 days since I last saw said friend, I felt like I should be safe and stay in. It’s also cold and I’ve been so mentally exhausted from work that I’ve been using this extended weekend mostly to catch up on sleep and recharge.

But while I have done things like go to a movie theater or sometimes out to eat over the last couple months, I feel like I’m reverting a little bit to lockdown mode. Maybe it’s the rising case numbers, maybe it’s hearing about all the airline shenanigans. Maybe it’s my whole hiding-from-everything instinct that happens when I’m low or upset.

A little while ago, I became very fixated on The Weeknd. There was a live performance of his that I found from 2020. Specifically the November 2020 American Music Awards. LA was still in lockdown. He walks up and down an empty bridge street that is lined with fireworks. At the end, the camera pulls back and up and up as the city is shown behind the bridge, and The Weeknd gets smaller and smaller. Fireworks burst outside of the bridge. I have revisited this performance more times than I can count not just because of the music, but because it captures the specific time and place and feeling of lockdown for me in 2020. The Weeknd sings over and over again “save your tears for another day” as the city behind him is quiet and empty, even though there are still people there trapped inside their homes.

I keep rewatching it. I think it may be because I still feel trapped. Again, I’ve been outside, I’ve interacted with folks. But I still wear a mask at work every day and have just accepted that I’m one of the only people in the office that does that. If I’m invited to a gathering of more than half a dozen people, it is more likely that I won’t go. I left the choir I was a part of because I didn’t feel safe singing inside with a large group of folks without masks. I made the mistake of going to the zoo with a couple friends on the 26th and was completely unprepared for the LARGE number of people and families there, most of whom were unmasked. I was masked the whole time but I still felt unsafe.

Wearing a mask isn’t a problem for me. I just know that I can’t keep cutting myself off and distracting myself with fixations long-term. I need a social or creative outlet again, but I don’t feel safe enough to look for one.

On a petty note, Avatar: The Way of Water is a bad movie. I recommend not giving it money. It has enough.

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portentiial · 1 year

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this piece of shit isolated me from absolutely everyone by consuming my whole world until i couldn’t talk to any of my friends about him because i was so embarrassed by the way i allowed myself to be treated. i was BEGGING for him to stay while he called me a whore and unfaithful and selfish and ugly and deserving of rape and i was BEGGING him to stay. who else could fix the wrongs that he enacted on me??? it’s not like i could talk to anyone else about them. i let him lead me to a ledge and dangle me off and kissed his fucking feet when he had the decency to help me back up. i convinced myself that that made him worthy of my love. how could he not be? he’s the only one that could fix me. i tried to make it all worthwhile to him by sexualizing myself and relishing in the niceties that came along with it. i gave him what i knew he wanted over and over again, because god knows he didn’t actually want me. the fucking rush that came along with it. cumming on the phone with him and knowing knowing knowing he was going to be sweet to me and praise me and demand more because i thought he WANTED me. and things get a little bit better and i start to gain a little bit of my confidence back. start setting boundaries (that makes me a bad person! i just do what i want with no regards for him!!!!) and when he falls back into his emotional abuse i realize exactly what i went through. none the wiser. what he tossed me into and how stupid i was to fucking stay. convinced myself it was a flaw on my part if i couldn’t handle it. that i wasn’t strong or sensitive enough to his disorder and circumstances. that if i was honest about the way he made me feel, i was guilt tripping him. do what i can to quell it in other ways. he didn’t need guilt!! he was just being himself (a piece of shit) and he was just acting on his emotions (because he behaves like a child). he’s not worth my time. he’s not worth the time i spent WRITING this. he’s scum. i seriously convinced myself that i needed MEDS?!?! that my depression was isolated and its own thing?? every suicidal episode i had in the past 8 months was a direct result of the way he treated me. i pulled over on a freeway and sat in my car for half an hour trying to find the courage to walk into traffic after he unexpectedly abandoned me. he triggered all my bad thoughts every single day and made me feel WORTHLESS and forced to make myself valuable to him in any way i could. to try to find some type of delight in it?? and it felt SO good when he was nice. if i used sex to make things BETTER and make him feel LOVED???? he is such a MASSIVE!!! CUNT!!!!!!!!!! he has been manipulating me from the outset and has the gall to try to portray me as the manipulative one. he can CHOKE. i hope he lives a long and fruitful life with his own thoughts far away from anyone else because, without exception, he is a terrible, self-centered, manipulative, angry, abusive piece of shit to ANYONE he meets. i hope his alcoholism and cycles leech the fucking life out of him like he does for anyone stupid enough to stay around him. i hope i learned my FUCKING lesson.

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nonexistent-green · 2 years

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circa 2020: nostalgia of not eating

I remember I was laying down in my dorm, sobbing.

There was no clear sign of what triggered it. In fact, I’m pretty sure the boy I liked, who was unfortunately in the room at the time, was very confused and concerned because we were both just quietly doing our homework a few minutes prior.

What he didn’t know, or at least he didn’t deem as important, was that on that specific day, I ate a huge serving of mac and cheese, a good portion of Ben and Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Chunk ice cream, and a whole bag of Hot Cheetos. In my mind, this was the most horrible thing ever. I felt disgusting, and I remember wishing inside that it was sophomore year of high school again, when it was so easy to not only control how much, or little, I ate, but to also make sure no one ever knew about it.

On my 16th birthday, I came to school to take a quick test, and then I went home and just wanted to be alone. I didn’t feel like celebrating because celebrating in a small town basically just meant eating. Despite my efforts, some of my friends surprised me with a small get together. My mom cooked some dishes, and there were ice cream and cake from my favorite bakery. They started singing Happy Birthday, and it felt like I was on a completely different planet. Everyone else was living while I was just existing. I ended up hiding in the bathroom, away from the food and love and sitting on the toilet until I dozed off from the stress and fatigue.

Most people I’ve talked to about this period of physical and emotional starvation automatically deem it devastating, but there were parts of the deprivation and manipulation that I loved. I loved watching the numbers on the scale start to trickle down, almost as if I wanted to become nothing. I loved how good I was at hiding it around my friends. I was addicted to not buying lunch, and I was addicted to some of my friends’ and family’s concerns that came with not buying lunch and rarely eating dinner. There was a certain sense of satisfaction I’d get knowing that I was losing weight, and people were concerned.

It became a game. I wanted the attention and concern, but I didn’t want it to become so overbearing that I would have to stop. At social outings, I’d eat, and sometimes I’d overeat as if I was proving a point. Looking back, it’s laughable that I was trying to prove a point to people who were not even fully aware there was something I had to prove to them. I’d make sure the bruises were because of how clumsy I was, and my cold body temperature was because I never layered right. This game was fun because I was getting what I thought I needed to finally become that happy version of myself. I was losing weight.

As I was sobbing in my dorm, the fairy lights hanging above me became increasingly blurry, and the concerned boy stroking my back asking me what’s wrong, I realized how much I missed those days when I thought I had complete control over my body and how other people saw me. The sobbing got even worse as I realized how I’m nostalgic over a version of me that was deeply unhappy and insecure.

Even though I was losing weight, I was also losing my connection with my family and friends. There was so much I couldn’t tell them because I knew that at the time, what I was most proud of, is actually something those who cared for me would be disappointed in. Though I had good friends to talk to and hang out with, there was a sense of alienation. There was this invisible wall, where my friends were on one side, and I was isolated and stuck in this cycle of control and desolation on the other.

It would probably take a long time, and probably with the guide of a therapist, to figure out exactly why a part of me wanted to be so small and insignificant in both my eyes and in the eyes of those around me. It would probably take me an even longer time to figure out why, even when I know how miserable I was during that time, I still feel the urge to go back.

Even now as I write this, there’s still nothing very concrete that I’ve learned. I can’t say I’m at this perfect point where I love my body and am happy with myself. But now I understand that I’m not the only one and that there’s no true invisible wall. From finally talking about it to some friends, I have reached this point where I accept the nostalgia I feel for my 16-year-old self, but I try not to dwell. Because I know that even though I felt like I had all the power, I was actually unhappy and losing. I lost so many precious moments like birthday parties and gatherings that I could never get back, and dwelling on the nostalgia would only lead me to lose more. I want to actually live through happy moments, where I’m blowing the candles and celebrating milestones with those around me, and missing my past self and body won’t get me there.

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kohanayaki · 3 years

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.:Time and Time Again:. (Marauders Era x Reader) Ch 6

You continue the tale of how you, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter became known as The Marauders.

LINKS: CH 1 CH 2 CH 3 CH 4 CH 5 CH 6 CH 7 CH 8

___________________________________________________________

Ch 6 .:The Making of the Marauders:.

~Previously~

“That was when they were first starting to put the map together,” you continued, “but that wasn't even the biggest secret they had. Of course, I wouldn't find out about that for another year. . .”

“So at this point I knew that they were hiding something else, but not what it was,” you told Harry, continuing on with your story, “But one night we had planned to meet up and use the invisibility cloak to map out the underground tunnels that ran through the storage cellars, and they never showed up. So I snuck into the Gryffindor common room through the secret passage and found their dorm completely empty. But what was there was our work in progress map. . .”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1975 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This isn't going to work,” Peter said flatly, watching James and Sirius draw a large circle in chalk on the floor of the Shrieking Shack.

“Not with that attitude it's not,” James said, “if there's a way we can speed up this process I'm willing to give it a go. I don't know how long I can go on with this bloody leaf in my mouth.”

“Is this even real?” Peter sighed, “it looks like what muggles think magic is.”

“It's real all right,” Sirius said, “old, but real. I mean, Transfiguration was founded on the principles of magic circles! I'm not really sure what these runes on the side mean, but it's probably not important.”

“I seriously doubt that,” Peter retorted, “Remus, back me up here.”

He turned towards Lupin, but he had long since dozed off, arms crossed as he leaned against one of the nearly decaying walls in the corner. Peter sighed, taking a piece of paper from the ground and crumpling it into a ball before promptly throwing it in the sleeping boy's face. Lupin jolted awake, realizing what had happened and chucking the paper back at Peter in annoyance.

“Not a moment of peace,” he huffed under his breath.

“Sounds awfully boring,” James said over his shoulder.

“Blimey, what time is it?” Remus said, panicked as he noticed the light had completely gone from the sky, “It's long past sundown.”

“So?” Sirius shrugged.

“So, we told (Y/n) we'd meet them to work on the map at dusk,” Remus said, “They're probably looking for us right now!”

“Oh, they are,” you announced your presence, an unimpressed look on your face as they jumped, whipping around to look at you.

“(Y-Y/n)!” Sirius stuttered, “how did you—”

You held up the map, raising a brow at the four guilty looking boys.

“Right. . .”

“You snuck into our rooms?!” James said incredulously as he saw the map, which he was sure he had left on his bedside table, in your hands.

“You've snuck into my shower before, Potter,” you glared lightly at him.

“Point taken.”

“Okay, look, I'm sorry we didn't show tonight, and I know we've been acting weird,” Sirius sighed, “the truth is—”

“Lupin's a werewolf.”

The color drained from Remus' face, slightly mortified that you already knew.

“Come on, guys,” you said, “the claw marks and you lot disappearing whenever there's a full moon kind of gave it away. You aren't exactly subtle about it.”

You could sense the intense nervousness in the room, especially from Remus. Ok, so maybe coming right out with it wasn't the best course of action.

“Look,” you said, “if you're worried about anyone else finding out, they won't. I mean, the only reason I even knew you were here is because I'm literally helping you make a magical map that details all the secret passages and shows where everyone is. I won't tell anyone, I swear.”

They still seemed a little unsure, and you bit the inside of your lip slightly.

“If it'll make us even, I'll let you know a secret of my own,” you said, “it can even be future blackmail me if you really don't trust me.”

“No, it's not that, (Y/n),” Remus said as he stepped forward, his throat feeling dry, “it's just, well, I've never really told anyone except the people in this room. Having someone else know. . . it's just a lot to process, but if had to be anyone I'm glad it's you.” He paused for a moment, feeling oddly self-conscious as he regarded you. “When I turn into a werewolf I can't recognize any human as someone I know. I have no control over myself in that state. In the worst case scenario, I could injure or even kill someone I didn't mean to. We originally started taking note of the secret passages and rooms to find a place where I could turn safely and not hurt anyone, and we settled on here. I don't remember much when I come out of it, but. . . I do feel this painful sense of separation each time. Werewolves are pack creatures by nature, so being isolated in that state is. . . agony, if I must be honest. They all figured, I can't recognize humans, but perhaps I could recognize other animals, so. . .”

“They're trying to become animagi,” you finished, “so you won't have to be alone. That's. . . that's actually really sweet,” you said, a breathy laugh escaping you.

Remus thanked Merlin the Shrieking Shack was as dimly lit as it was so his beet red face was at least somewhat less noticeable.

“I agree,” Remus said, turning to his friends and sharing a rare, genuine moment with them. “And, you don't have to tell us your secret,” he said, turning back to you, “it's okay.”

“Hey, I wanted to know,” Sirius said, Peter swiftly elbowing him in the ribs.

“I was actually planning on telling you anyways,” you said, “If you guys are trying to become animagi, I can help you.”

You took a few steps back, bracing yourself against the wall.

“Promise me you won't freak out.”

After receiving a few quick nods, you kicked off the wall. Your body seemed to morph in mid-air, shrinking and re-configuring so fast that by the time you landed on the floor you had been entirely replaced by a large, (e/c)-eyed wolf with fur reminiscent of your hair.

Peter yelped, instinctively putting Sirius in front of him who was gawking at the sight. Remus was in complete shock and you could have sworn you saw James' glasses slip down his face.

In your animal form your heightened senses could sense their fear, and you tried your best to assuage it. You padded around in a circle, sitting down and blinking up at them to try and show them you were in control of your actions. After you figured they'd seen enough, you crawled back into your robes, which had pooled on the floor when you'd transfigured, and willed your body to turn back.

James, Sirius, and Peter looked somewhere in the intersection of shocked and terrified, but Remus looked nothing less than impressed.

“That's amazing, (Y/n),” he said breathlessly, “your transformation was seamless, how long have you had this ability?”

“My aunt had me go through the process when I was nine,” you said, a bitter edge to your voice as you fastened your clothes back around you, “it's not fun, but obviously useful. And thank you, but trust me, it didn't come at all naturally to me. I spent a good part of my winter break stuck with a wolf's hind legs, which is just as inconvenient as it sounds.”

“But this proves that it's possible!” James said, a new rush of energy invigorating him, “we can actually pull this off.”

“If I can manage to keep this sodding leaf from choking me every ten minutes,” Peter grumbled.

“Here, this should help with that,” you said, drawing your wand and pointing it at Peter's mouth. With a simple sticking charm, he suddenly felt the odd sensation of the leaf in his mouth disappearing, only to find it had melded with the flesh on the underside of his tongue.

“It's a long process, but yes, it's possible,” you said to James. Your eyes drifted to the floor where the magic circle and pages of runes were still scattered about, “if you were thinking of taking shortcuts, you might have wanted to read the warning about this spell requiring a blood sacrifice.”

The quartet paled and you laughed at their dumbstruck expressions.

“Kidding,” you grinned, “but seriously, there's no shortcuts. Now look alive, boys. We have a lot of work to do.”

_________________________________________________________

From then on, you helped the four wizards along on their quest to become fully fledged shifters.

“In order to become an animagus, a wizard must keep a Mandrake leaf in their mouth for an entire month, even when eating and sleeping,” Peter read aloud from the book they'd snatched from the restricted section, “Next, under a full moon, the wizard must place the leaf in a vial full of dew that has neither been stepped on nor exposed to the sun. The resulting potion must be stored in a dark place, and the following incantation: Amato Animo Animato Animagus, must be recited every morning until an electrical storm arrives, at which point the potion can be taken.”

“Blimey, all that to turn into a bloody cat?” Sirius said, exasperated.

“Well we have the first part almost done,” James said, feeling the faintest outline of the leaf still under his tongue, “Next full moon we'll have to go dew-hunting, I suppose. Looks like you'll have to stick it out for a few more cycles, Moony,” he said to Remus.

“That's alright,” he said, “I've made it this far.”

“He won't be alone for those,” you said, “I'll spend the full moons with him until you guys are ready.”

“What?” James said, looking at you like you'd just told him you were off to join Voldemort, “not a chance, that's way too dangerous.”

“Aw, don't act like you're all concerned about me all of a sudden, Potter,” you smirked. When his expression didn't change it took you aback slightly. He was actually worried about you. “Look, I'm probably the best suited for it anyways,” you said, coughing a bit to coast through the awkward tension, “Remus and I are both wolves, or at least partly. If one of you end up turning into a sheep or something you might be dead meat, not to freak you out or anything.”

“That's reassuring,” Sirius said under his breath.

____________________________________________________________

“You really don't have to do this,” Lupin insisted as you sat on the floor together in the Shrieking Shack later that month.

“I want to,” you assured him, “take it as a thanks for helping me pass Arithmancy. Besides, it's a perfectly fine excuse for me to practice interacting with other animals in my animagus form.”

The boy beside you was quiet for a moment, shoulders tense and jaw set tight. It wasn't that he wasn't happy you were here, he was more grateful than you could know, but he was terrified that he was going to end up hurting you. On top of that was the fact that he didn't want you to see him as he transformed. It wasn't pretty, and it was visibly painful. He didn't want you to think any lower of him, though he knew that fear was irrational.

The calming jazz record that spun on the other side of the room was the only noise between you two for quite some time, but you understood that he needed time to gather his thoughts. This was something so deeply personal you were surprised and a bit honored he allowed you to be here at all. You noticed the photograph that he held in his hands; it was of Hogwarts, taken from the very edge of the forest. The sun was peeking over the horizon, spilling out between the complexly constructed towers that made up the castle's exterior, and casting a warm, golden hue over the landscape.

“It's beautiful,” you said, “the picture.”

“It is,” Remus smiled to himself and nodded, “James gave it to me, as a reminder. He said that matter what happens during the full moon, the sun will always rise on us again.”

“Huh,” you mused softly, “perhaps he isn't such an insufferable jerk after all.”

“Oh, no, he is,” Lupin chuckled, “but he is also a very good friend, and endlessly thoughtful even if he denies it.”

You let that sink in for a moment. You supposed he was.

“Well,” you said, laughing a bit as you shifted in your seat, “this isn't as deep and meaningful as the photo, but I brought something for you.” You reached into your bag, retrieving something that made Remus' eyes widen.

“Where did you get that?” he said, elated as you held out his favorite chocolate bar which had been out of stock at Hogsmeade for weeks now.

“You guys have a secret tunnel that goes right to the Honeydukes cellar and you've never taken advantage of their storage?” you grinned.

Lupin hesitated as he held the bar in his hands.

“So you stole it?”

“I left five dracma in the tip jar,” you rolled your eyes, “I'm not a death eater.”

His smiled returned at that, and he ripped open the familiar foil gratefully.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

“It's the least I could do,” you said.

“It's really not,” he said, turning to face you fully. You were left a bit breathless as the unexpected intensity of his eyes. “None of this is the least you could do, because the least you could do is nothing,” he continued, rambling, “we were so horrible to someone you consider a dear friend, and you were willing to look past that. You're risking your life by even being with me right now, (Y/n).”

“You don't—”

“I do know that,” Remus said sharply, “I've never been in contact with anyone as a werewolf. The one time I was, I. . .” he trailed off, and it hurt you to see his pained expression, “I just don't know how I'll react.”

“You're saying that as if something bad's already happened,” you said gently, “it'll be okay.”

“How can you be so sure?” he asked quietly, equally full of frustration and admiration.

“I'm willing to put my trust in you, Remus. I think it's time you put some trust in yourself.”

Lupin's heart pounded a little harder in his chest. Had you ever called him by his first name before? You looked at him so reassuringly, so confidently. He couldn't understand it, but your words reached him to his core.

“(Y/n). . .” he trailed off, blinking rapidly. A shaky breath escaped him, and your stomach dropped.

“Remus?”

Suddenly you saw something shift in him. His breathing became heavy and his pupils dilated, completely filling his irises in a matter of seconds. He braced himself against the wall as he stumbled to his feet, his skin slowly taking on a gray hue.

“It's happening,” he said, voice deeper and strained, his neck convulsing, “you have to transform, now!”

You didn't waste any time, taking the shape of your wolf form and padding away a cautionary distance. Your stomach churned as you watched Remus yell out, his expression full of pain as his body grew in size, his cries slowly becoming reminiscent of howls. His face contorted in agony as his head morphed into a more animalistic shape, ears growing from his scalp and fur appearing as if his werewolf was fully formed inside him, physically escaping through his skin. You've seen werewolves before, but seeing someone you know actually turn into one, it was completely different. Nothing could have prepared you for this. Seeing anyone in this much pain made your chest tighten harshly.

At last it seemed the transformation was complete. Remus Lupin was gone, and in front of you stood a creature of at least eight feet, perched on his hind legs and towering over you especially in your animal form. You could hear how ragged his breathing had become, his body convulsing with the motion; growing and retracting like a beating heart. You heard a whimper escape his throat, and you could tell he was still recovering from the pain.

You steeled yourself, making the decision to alert him to your presence subtly. You tilted your head upwards, releasing a similar sounding whimper to his. Immediately the werewolf across from you was on high alert, his head snapping towards you and his lips pulling back into a snarl as his ears lowered. You took an instinctive step back, lowering your head slowly. He seemed puzzled by your behavior, which made sense seeing as Lupin told you he never interacted with any other animals during the full moon. His head tilted inquisitively and he took a heavy step forward. You forced yourself to not back away, testing the waters. His eyes narrowed again as he saw you standing your ground, but you quickly sat down, your head tilting to expose your neck slightly. You made doubly sure not to show any signs of aggression; you knew you had no chance against a werewolf at full strength.

However, he seemed to take your queues well. His tail seemed to relax a bit, his eyes returning to their full, round shape as he looked at you with curiosity. You sniffed up at him and he hesitated, but eventually circled around you and did the same. You could almost see the turmoil in him, as a werewolf you doubted anyone he came across treated him with anything less than terror in their eyes, but you were completely relaxed.

He whimpered again, and you were shocked at the sign of submission. You rose to your feet, and he didn't back away. You let out a friendly yip, which he returned, and you felt the weight lift off your chest. You leaped to the side, and he followed you, running alongside you as you bounded across the room, practically leaping off the walls. You jumped at each other playfully, rolling across the floor in a mess of fur. You smiled inwardly as this continued throughout the night, no longer seeing fear or pain or aggression in his eyes when you looked into them. Even if he wouldn't remember most of this, you hoped he would at least feel better in the morning than all the times he had to go through it alone.

Exhausted from all the playing around, you padded softly back to your robes, crawling inside yours and and gesturing over to him with your head. He followed you, coming down to all fours before laying beside you. You weren't sure when sleep came over you, but it was like the world's most comfortable blanket had been thrown over your shoulders, and your eyes drifted closed of their own volition. . .

“Merlin's beard, just what were you two doing last night?!”

You and Remus both jolted awake at the sound of James Potter's aggravatingly loud voice but quickly came to your senses. Remus' arms were wrapped around you, your back facing him. You were just barely covered by your robes with nothing underneath as a result of your transformation. As you scrambled to get decent your face heated even more as you saw Remus was currently without a shirt, his pants ripped considerably. You scrambled away from each other, trying to make yourselves decent.

Peter was howling with laughter, James looking smug as ever. Sirius was oddly quiet, but you were too wrapped up in the embarrassment to notice his behavior.

“What was that about being 'endlessly thoughtful'?” you grumbled to Remus.

“Right, I completely take back what I said,” he scoffed, “ 'insufferable jerk' is much more accurate.”

“Close your eyes, you perverted git!” you yelled at James, who was blatantly staring at you, “toss me my clothes at least, would you?”

James bit back a smirk as he grabbed your bag that was sitting in the corner of the room— clothes you had brought with the intention of changing into after returning to your human form when Lupin fell asleep. He tossed it over to you and you began to change under your robes. As his back was turned to you his mind began to wander. You'd always been attractive, sure, but since you'd always been his rival he hadn't really given you a second thought, especially when he'd been trying to get Lily's attention for ages. But just now, thinking about how downright adorable you looked when you'd yelled at him, something in him shifted. He shook it off quickly, turning to Lupin with a grin he'd managed to put on concernedly fast.

“You cheeky bastard,” he said to Remus, who was furiously changing into a new shirt, “you just wanted her alone, didn't you? Do you really need us to become animagi after all?”

“You're the worst, Potter,” the werewolf glared at him.

“Don't listen to him, Remus,” you grumbled, straightening out your tie as you slipped it on over your shirt, “he's an even bigger idiot than he looks.”

“Are you implying I look stupid?”

“Implying may not be a strong enough word.”

__________________________________________________________

It had taken months of brewing the potion and getting all the necessary preparations in order, but they were finally ready. Remus sat with you in the grass, wand at the ready to undo any untoward transfiguration that happened on accident. Peter, Sirius, and James stood across from you, standing at the edge of a stone ledge about five feet off the ground. You'd said that a leap of faith is what would best trigger their first transformation. They looked nervous, but they were prepared as they'd ever be. Over the last year you had grown considerably closer to the four boys you had miraculously come to know as friends.

“Remember, focus on your emotions,” you said, “you need to pick a strong one, let it fill your body and flow through you. If you block the magic off from any part of your body, it's not going to be pretty.”

“Right, but how do I—”

“James, I swear, I'm really rooting for you to be a mute animal.”

“But how do you choose-”

“Just do it already!”

“Oh, sod it,” James squeezed his eyes shut, not giving himself time to second guess before jumping off the ledge. For a moment he was certain he was about to land face first in the dirt, but then it happened— a moment where time seemed to freeze and his body felt completely weightless. He felt this sensation where his arms and legs vibrated with an intense, foreign energy. Images flashed through his mind in that brief moment in the air; Sirius manically laughing as they ran away from Filch, Remus snapping off a piece of chocolate to offer him after he'd lost Gryffindor a Quidditch match, and, unexpectedly, you. A feeling of warmth spread through his chest, and he grasped onto it, letting it flow through his body like you said. In an instant he felt torso shift, his shoulders narrow, his neck elongate; and when he landed on the ground he still landed face-first as he predicted, but in a completely different form.

He could see you and Lupin in front of him, mouths agape. He was about to say something when he found his vocal chords only allowed him a gruff whine. Shocked, he lifted his head, which felt much heavier than he'd last recalled, and as he looked down at himself he was taken aback to be met with a pair of hooves right beneath him. He staggered to his feet on wobbly legs, of which he now had four. As he tilted his head he could see the shadow of a pair of antlers twisting into brilliant shadows on the grass.

“Potter, you did it!” you exclaimed, “you actually did it!”

“Well how about that,” Remus chuckled, “a stag.”

“It fits him, I think,” you grinned, looking over at Sirius and Peter who looked determined and terrified respectively. “Well go on, it's your turn now!”

Sirius braced himself for the jump, but somehow he found no fear in his system. After seeing James shift in the air right before his eyes, he knew he could do it. He looked over at Peter who was nearly shaking.

“Come on, Peter,” he said, “we'll go together.”

“I-I don't know about this, Sirius,” Peter said, “I'm not ready, I don't think I can do this.”

“It's just a little jump,” Sirius said encouragingly, “you can do this.”

After a few nerve wracking deep breaths Peter gave him the smallest nod one could manage.

“We'll go on three,” Sirius said, “Ready? One—”

“AaHH!”

Sirius shoved Peter off the ledge, knowing he wouldn't jump on his own, before taking the plunge himself. Peter's screams became higher and higher pitched as he shrank at an alarming speed, almost an undetectable size by the time he hit the grass. A small brown rat scurried across the field towards you and Lupin.

The stag in front of you made a sound, dragging his hooves across the grass in what you could imagine as James' unadulterated laughter at his friend.

Sirius began to morph almost as soon as he left the ground, something you were surprised by. He landed on his hind legs, landing gracefully as his front two followed, and a shaggy black dog looked back at you with mischief in its eyes.

You couldn't help but go over and pet him. You laughed as he nudged you with his nose, a resistance that was quickly halted as soon as you started scratching him behind the ears.

“I have to say, I didn't think you would actually manage that on your first try,” you said, secretly prouder than they could have known, “but if anyone could have done it, it's you three stubborn goons.”

James huffed as he saw you continue to pet Sirius, using his antlers to prod the dog out of the way. Sirius barked, lunging at him playfully. It was quite a scene to see the two interact.

“Honestly, this is a pretty solid group,” you said, “you've got James who blends perfectly with the surrounding wildlife so he wouldn't be suspicions, Sirius who could probably do a fair bit of damage as a dog if he needed, and Peter who can fit through small spaces and snoop around the castle virtually undetected.”

“Quite an odd pack,” Remus chuckled.

“Definitely,” you agreed, “but a pack nonetheless.”

And that very week, Remus Lupin was able to spend his first night as a werewolf with his four friends by his side.

__________________________________________________________

“So, how did we choose which animals we turn into?” James had asked you the next day at breakfast, “I specifically tried for a dragon.”

“You don't get to choose,” you rolled your eyes, “You're a stag, that's the end of it. It's pretty much up to chance.”

“I'm sorry, you're telling me I could have turned into a fish and died right there on the ground?!”

“If only,” you sighed dreamily, earning you a playful shove from James. “Alright, it's not completely random, but you're definitely in the unknown the first time you turn,” you went on to explain, “and once you turn for the first time, that's it. That's your animal. A wizard takes on the animagus form of whatever animal most closely resembles their personality. So, a horny bastard for James, a loyal little puppy for Sirius—”

“A bitch for you,” Sirius quipped.

“Never heard that one before,” you scoffed, purposefully messing up his hair.

“Hey, watch it!” he shoved you off him, twisting each of his curls back into form.

“Well, look who's a high maintenance pup,” you chuckled.

Around the same time that year, you finally completed the map. It came together beautifully, each different way of folding the paper revealing a different level of the castle for easy navigation. You'd included the surrounding forests as well as the parts of Hogsmeade that applied for the secret passageways, all of which were marked with symbols and the unique names you'd all come up with. Every student and staff member at Hogwarts had a tiny scroll with their name that appeared in their location. Remus had added the nice detail of including footprints at the last second, so you could see which way they were facing and walking as well. It was fireproof, rip proof, and prone to insulting anyone else who tried to read it. It was the pinnacle of your magical (and slightly illegal) achievement.

“We should write our names on it,” James said, looking down proudly at the finished map, “it belongs to us, after all. We don't want anyone else taking the credit.”

“Yeah, fantastic way to get caught,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “what if Filch comes across it? That's like leaving your signature at a murder scene.”

“You should use code names, then,” you suggested, “I know you guys call Remus 'Moony' as a joke, but I kind of like it.”

The scarred boy blushed lightly at the compliment, a brow raised to his other three friends.

“Alright then, I guess you should all say hi to Rudolph over here,” Sirius said, jutting his thumb in James' direction. The bespectacled boy narrowed his eyes before shooting back.

“Right! And this is my good friend, Snuffles.”

Sirius lunged at him and James swatted him away in laughter.

“Come on, you two,” Remus said, “or we won't put anything down for you at all.”

“I've got an idea for Peter,” you piped in, “When my mom used to garden she said she didn't mind having rats there because their tails resembled worms, which were an old a sign of healthy soil, I know it's odd, but I think Wormtail sounds pretty cool.”

Peter seemed to perk up at your acknowledgment and nodded. It suited him somehow.

“Should we pick animal features too, then?” James mused, “I guess Antlers doesn't really sound that cool. What's another word? Horns? Give me some analogies, guys. What else do they look like?”

“Yours honestly kind of look like a couple of bent forks,” you snickered.

“Prongs?” Sirius snorted, the laughter that followed nearly splitting his sides.

“Oh, go on, what have you got then?” James scoffed.

“I was thinking Padfoot,” Sirius said, “like a dog's paw prints.”

“You know, for someone who was just making fun of code names a second ago you sure have given a lot of thought to yours,” you teased.

“Shove it,” he smirked, “What about you? Can't very well have a second Moony.”

You stared at him in momentary disbelief.

“Me?”

“Well, yeah,” Sirius chuckled.

“We couldn't have done any of this without you,” Remus reminded you with a smile.

“I think you've more than earned an honorary title as one of us,” James said.

“That is, if you want to,” Peter said timidly.

You looked at the four of them, genuinely touched.

“I. . . I don't know what to say,” you smiled.

“You could say 'yes',” James piped up.

“Alright, you loons,” you laughed, “if you leave Severus alone for good, then yes.”

“Hey, I think we've been pretty good about that lately,” James pouted.

“Yes you have,” you admitted, “It's the only reason I bothered to give you the time of day, but this time it's a promise.”

James rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face was undeniable. He'd never admit it out loud, but being friends with you was more fun than messing with Snape ever was.

“Alright, fine. (Y/n) (L/n), I solemnly swear that I will leave tormenting our dear old friend Snivelus behind us forever,” he said dramatically, putting a hand up at his pledge.

“Oh, bother,” you laughed, “the only thing you'll 'solemnly swear' to is that you're up to no good.”

“I'll take that as a compliment.”

“Then that's settled,” Remus smiled, “you'll need a code name too.”

“Let's see,” Sirius hummed in thought, “What other defining features do wolves have besides. . . well, their. . . fangs?”

“They're canines, you numbnut,” you huffed.

“Close enough, I'm writing Fangs.”

“Oi, I didn't agree to that!”

“Too bad, I'm already writing it~”

“Okay, well if that's the stupid name I'm getting saddled with them I'm going to write it myself,” you said stubbornly. You actually didn't mind the name at all.

“Well that's it, then,” James said, “Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Fangs. We could join the bloody circus.”

“All we need is a group name,” you said, half joking.

“We've already got one,” James said proudly.

“Oh? Let's hear it, then.”

“The Marauders.”

“. . .”

You kept your face straight for exactly three seconds before you burst out laughing. The four boys flushed with embarrassment.

“The Marauders?” you chortled, “what are you, pirates?”

“It's what McGonnagall called us the first time we got ourselves into proper trouble,” James defended himself, his cheeks reddening, “You rowdy mob of marauders, she'd said.”

“Huh,” you chuckled, coming down from your laughing fit, “Well, then I suppose that would make this The Marauders Map. I'll admit, it actually kinda has a ring to it.”

And despite your group's joking quips and bickering, they couldn't agree more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait,” Harry said, eyes wide at your story, “So, my dad was an animagus too?”

“Sure was,” you smiled warmly.

“This whole time I thought 'Prongs' was just because his patronus was a stag.”

“Your animagus form is usually the same animal as your patronus,” you explained, “In some very rare cases they can be different, but they work in the same emotionally driven vein of magical ability, so it would make sense that they'd be linked. Your father was extraordinary at both, because as much as he would deny it, he felt everything very deeply.”

Your eyes drifted to the wall opposite you in the living room, and a small but sad smile graced your features.

“Love is often the most powerful emotion a witch or wizard can draw from,” you said softly, “but you already know that.”

Harry followed your gaze over his shoulder. There, posted on the wall among a collage of photographs from the Order was a picture of his mother and father. It was one he'd seen a hundred times, and one he had his own copy of: them in each others' arms in a London park, autumn leaves swirling around them as they danced without any music. Even from this distance he could see the emotion in their eyes as they looked at one another— like they were the only two people in the world.

“Yeah,” Harry said, wiping a stray tear from his eyes, “I do.”

Read chapter 7 here!

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