#that's a valid reading too but many have and others will make that point. it's just not the one that interested me here

[stxrslut]

I think the reason why so many people hate dark content is because they don’t understand it.

Incest for example has been a big topic on this side of tumblr as kinktober approaches and a few writers, including myself have mentioned it.

why is writing incest bad? It’s not, up front. the moment it becomes bad is when you romanticise it. the same goes for other dark topics, for example necrophilia or blatant rape.

acknowledging that these things exist is not a bad thing, and neither is acknowledging that there are certain people out there who do it. it is a horrible truth that nobody wants to exist, but it does.

using the infamous rafe cameron as an example, why would you want to read an incest piece about him?

rafe is a complicated character, and a very bad person. a lot of writers don’t like to take that into account. I’m sure we’ve all seen many works where rafe is portrayed as a sweetheart, a perfect husband who cares and would never do anything to harm you.

this portrayal of rafe has become the norm for many people on this platform. and so upon seeing dark content, they are trying to imagine it with this completely different character. the version of rafe that is romanticised.

when we write this content we don’t write it with that rafe in mind. we don’t want to be with this version of rafe that we’re writing, this is a bad character and we absolutely recognise it when writing him.

of course, as mentioned there are people who are imagining it with romanticised rafe, and also assume that was the rafe it was intended to be written with.

if that was the case then writing this content most definitely would be bad.

but why would we write dark content with a reader insert if we didn’t want this to happen to us? what is the point? that’s a valid question.

primarily, self insert or ‘x reader’ is just the format that we write in. even though we may be imagining our name and or face it’s not necessarily us. reader is just a character, let’s use puppy!reader for an example, she has her own characteristics specific to the reader or character. I don’t think I am puppy reader, but I love to use her character to write a reader.

self insert and second person writing is also a very good way to explore the thoughts, feelings and actions in a character in very great detail, which a lot of writers very much enjoy doing.

this is also another misconception that people make. because in some of the situations the reader goes along with / wants these things to happen, which is very easy to mistake for writer wanting it too.

so now we know that self insert does not mean desire. but even if we don’t desire this, why do we write it?

there are many reasons. one is character analysis. there are plenty of bad characters out there, and they would do that. we are simply acknowledging that.

we like to explore complexities and nuances of characters. this character would want to do that and so how would that play out? who would it be with and what would the feelings and emotions be? it’s interesting to explore darker parts of different characters.

another reason is trauma, to people without it that sounds ridiculous. but people with trauma in these kinds of situations may find comfort or control in reading about it in a safe environment.

I have a lot of childhood trauma, and there are certain pieces of writing centred around that kind of thing can really help me to think about it and help me to control the way I think about it.

now there are some aspects of dark content that we may say we “want”, but that is generally misunderstood.

let’s use a sentence I have said many a time, “I want rafe to fuck me with a gun”. no, I absolutely do not.

I am into humiliation and power play, I also enjoy a little bit of fear and pain in some circumstances. in a safe environment, for example, a fictional one, a gun would be a perfect way to do these things.

obviously in real life I wouldn’t let anyone come near me with a gun. it’s all about interpretation and understanding of safe environments.

when I’m reading a fic where gun play may be involved I read about the humiliation and power play and all sorts and think oh fuck that is sexy. because it is, in this very safe place where a gun is not going to harm me or anyone.

the same goes for lots of other forms of dark content. we might not necessarily want the exact action, but more the sensation or feeling that comes with the action.

but why would we write it when people are going to be triggered by it?

simply put, that is not our problem. I haven’t ever come across a piece of dark content that wasn’t correctly labelled and warned.

I’m not responsible for anyone else’s media consumption, if they choose to ignore my warnings it is entirely their fault.

also, free will exists, if someone decides they don’t like what they’re reading they can simply close the piece, stop reading.

in a nutshell, if someone who writes dark content is 1. not romanticising it and 2. labelling it correctly, you don’t have a reason to target them.

learning to distinguish between dark content and predatory content is so important so we’re not attacking the wrong people.

please stop targeting writers who write dark content when there are people out there who genuinely are horrible who we do need to be targeting. focus your attention on the real issues.

[galacticlamps]

I don't want to get too caught up on semantics but I have to say I really feel like it's an unfair reading of the situation to call what Charles does in the Staircase Scene a "rejection."

I've already talked about how I think that scene's strength lies in the act of telling itself and Edwin's confession as the conclusion of his self-discovery arc. And I understand how the fact that that arc involved things like sexuality & attraction left it open to being viewed under a sort of romance-plot-specific lens, but evaluating the whole thing on that criteria still feels like a misrepresentation.

I don't think Edwin is saying "Love me" in that scene. Maybe he would've been asking for that, if this had all happened under different circumstances - and sure, generally, he'd presumably like that to happen - but it'd still be a kind of insane request for him to make right as he's being literally rescued from hell. (Especially since, even though the audience & Charles can both see the rescue as so in-character we might take it for granted, Edwin clearly didn't, if his consistently surprised confused & appalled reactions to Charles being there are anything to go by). I think he's feeling very loved already at that point, and I have a hard time believing desperation to simply have that reiterated is what drove him to speak up at such an inopportune moment.

I think what he's really saying there is "Hear me" - and as a listener and a confidant, Charles does anything but reject him. Maybe it's splitting hairs a bit, but if the distinction between "please don't turn me down" and "please understand the person in front of you" matters anywhere, it's in relation to Charles' response because he is so accepting of the confession as a confession. Not only does he take what Edwin tells him well, despite it being the sort of thing that might rock the foundation of the most important relationship in his existence, he also accepts the fact that Edwin is in such a vulnerable and worked up state that he has to do it right now despite it endangering them both. Charles would, truthfully, be totally justified in mostly ignoring it or passing over it quickly and inconclusively, insisting that this wasn't the time or place - but instead everything he says and does in that scene is geared toward giving Edwin's announcement the attention & understanding he needs so badly - and that includes responding with honesty about his own feelings, even if they might not otherwise be exactly what you'd want to hear after declaring your love for someone. Charles takes his time (perhaps foolishly, but certainly necessarily) and gives Edwin a response that is warm and familiar, while also being kind, affectionate, open, serious, and above all correspondingly worthy of the weight of the thing Edwin has just entrusted him with. That seems an awful lot to pass over simply because he doesn't also happen to be in love with him too.

Edwin's confession is so not a come-on that whether or not Charles reciprocates the romantic element is, at best, secondary to his overall reaction, and using that piece of it to call the whole thing a rejection feels like a very inaccurate shorthand to get in the habit of using as a summary of his role in the scene.

[uncanny-tranny]

I promise you can speak about and denounce undesirable behaviour without attributing it to some in-born, immutable, unchanging trait that you must "civilize" away.

In this specific instance that inspired this, you really don't need to attribute bad behaviour that's done by a man with unchanging character traits. This isn't even solely about men, because doing this affects everyone, men included.

"Men needed to be civilized out of behaving this way!" Who are you expecting to be doing the civilizing and why? This is just defending the idea that women are responsible for training up men - the millenia-old idea that a man's failings are actually a woman's fault, not his.

As a man, I am responsible for my actions. You don't need to dehumanize me in order to preserve your misogyny and your need to hate a group of men. Don't get me wrong, this rhetoric absolutely is not good for men to face. It especially targets men who have experiences with marginalized identities. If you're on my page, you know that this is something I deal with personally, have personal stakes in that affect my life daily. I just also think we really need to remember that this issue exists in a context where women and other folks will inevitably be punished as a direct result of these ideas as well.

I need to make that last part emphatically clear: even if this rhetoric (somehow) only hurt men, it would still be wrong. It would still be wrong! I want to - as a man - remind people (especially those who already have decided to dehumanize entire groups of people) that nobody is safe from being exempt from punishment due to this rhetoric.

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 216

Adjective: Pink

Noun: Peach

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Pink: of a color intermediate between red and white, as of coral or salmon; (of wine) rosé; (informal) (often derogatory) having or showing left-wing tendencies; of or associated with gay people

Peach: a round stone fruit with juicy yellow flesh and downy pinkish-yellow skin; a pinkish-yellow color like that of a peach; the Chinese tree that bears peaches; (informal) an exceptionally good or attractive person or thing

[malewifesband]

EDIT: if this post has made you think about whether or not you are autistic, im really glad! i hope you get some better understanding of yourself and are able to find community and support

however before you go and tell a therapist and seek an official diagnosis please read this thread and consider the points made therein:

autism is highly stigmatized. be fully informed about what you gain and what you lose from having an official diagnosis before seeking one.

EDIT OVER ENJOY THE POST

people do correctly identify that laios is autistic fairly often but a lot of the reasoning begins and ends with his special interest and social difficulties, but honestly it goes far deeper into the build of his character than just those two things

his pain tolerance is wildly inconsistent, unable to tolerate a drop of hot oil (or any heat) but able to shrug off both his leg being bitten off and it being reattached

hes sensory seeking in the extreme. he rubs the bat bones against his face, pets and fluffs the shapeshifter tail.

his desire to eat monsters comes from three very autistic places. 1) the rules for why monsters are not okay to eat but animals are are arbitrary to him so he cannot follow them easily: he cannot understand the 'feelings' argument others make. 2) this too is a sensory seeking behavior. he wants to experience these new things, new flavors and new textures. 3) it completes his knowledge of the monster in question to also have data on its edibility. because he cannot draw that arbitrary line around all monsters, he wants to evaluate them case-by-case and see if real patterns emerge. butchering and eating the monsters improves his knowledge of them greatly and highlights their importance in their ecosystem, as well as making him a part of that same ecosystem

he cannot emote the way others expect him to. he compartmentalizes his feelings (to an unhealthy degree) because he needs a pragmatic solution. so as long as there is a problem to solve, that matters far more than evaluating his emotions and allowing himself to experience them. while this is also a coping mechanism for ptsd, it is a trait found in many autistic people regardless of trauma, as we have trouble sorting the feelings we have and often need time to think about what we feel, so it becomes easier to simply not do it and pretend we dont need to. laios emotions certainly affect him, with or without his processing them, but others do not see what they expect to see and thus dismiss that he is feeling what they would feel

he is incredibly gifted with pattern recognition, observation, and analysis within realms he understands. to understand subjects that dont come easily to him, he must filter them through his established schema (his special interest--this is why they are so special! they help us sort the world). when he isnt sure about the social cues and details hes observed in the shapeshifter arc, he filters it through the lens he understands best: monsters. he was making correct observations about his friends all along, but he could not be confident in that the way he was about their behavior when it came to his interest (chilchucks caution, senshis passions, and marcilles carelessness)

[cripplecharacters]

Write more Deaf characters!

[Large Text: Write more Deaf characters!]

When answering questions about deaf and hard of hearing characters, I have noticed they are overwhelmingly about:

A character who is deaf in one ear or hard of hearing because of an accident

A character who was born deaf and knows sign language, but seems to have 0 connection to the broader Deaf community

This is not the experience of most d/Deaf people! So, here's your primer to Deaf community and culture, and writing a Deaf character, because they are sorely underrepresented.

(Disclaimer: this post was written using viewpoints I, a singular Deaf person in the United States, have encountered. I tried to make this as general as possible to encompass many Deaf views, but it is possible that I have misconstrued something. Do not take this guide as the be-all and end-all of your knowledge on Deaf culture. Keep reading and researching the Deaf community, and explore viewpoints from many different Deaf people of all backgrounds.)

Why do you write Deaf with capital D?

[Large Text: Why do you write Deaf with capital D?]

The term "deaf" with the lowercase d means not being able to hear. The term "Deaf" with an uppercase D refers to the cultural identity formed by deaf people. This identity is difficult to explain but it includes knowing sign language and engaging with other Deaf people.

There are varying opinions within the Deaf community on who is allowed to call themselves culturally Deaf. Some Deaf believe that only those who were born into the Deaf community (whose family is Deaf, who attended a Deaf school, and/or who have sign language as a first language) are allowed to consider themselves culturally Deaf. On the 'flip' side, some Deaf believe that anyone with hearing loss can claim the label. And of course, you can find someone Deaf with any opinion in between.

This is all intracommunity nuance. If your character is born deaf and learns sign language at a young age or as a first language, they are likely culturally Deaf.

Sign Language Use

[Large Text: Sign Language Use]

Sign languages are the language of Deaf communities. (Note that there are many sign languages in different regions, and they are not related in the same way spoken languages are!)

Most sign languages did not originate alongside spoken language, either, so they usually have different grammar than the spoken language in a region. This means that someone whose first language is sign may have difficulty learning even the written version of the spoken language due to the different grammar and translation. For native signers, the spoken language of their area is their second language.

Sign languages are fully developed languages, with grammar and structure. Sign language is not "less" than spoken language, and encouraging sign language does not discourage speech. (Even if it did, that's not a bad thing! Sign languages are still a valid and rich communication form!) Sign languages have slang and expressions/idioms too.

Sign languages typically have a "manual alphabet" otherwise known as "fingerspelling". This is a way to represent words that don't have a sign. Fluent signers very rarely fingerspell; normally fingerspelling is for proper nouns which don't have a name sign.

Name signs are the last big point I want to cover about sign language. A name sign is a way to refer to someone so you don't have to spell their name every time. It's usually related to someone's attributes, like dimples or a specific way of moving. Sign names can only be given by Deaf people who are fluent in sign language.

Deaf Education

[Large Text: Deaf Education]

For a long time, deaf people were considered unable to learn, just because they couldn't hear. And since 1880, for about 100 years and even still today, the prevailing tradition in deaf education was/is oralism--a teaching method based on speech that rejects sign language.

Historically speaking, if deaf children were to receive an education, they would be sent to a Deaf residential school. These still exist, although there are also many Deaf schools that are typical day schools, just for d/Deaf/hoh students.

Deaf children may also attend "mainstream" schools; they might have sign language interpreters and other accessibility accommodations, or they may be forced to rely on lipreading and context, or placed in special education where their needs often still are not met.

Oralism still has lasting effects today. Deaf people have received, and still do receive, worse education than hearing people.

One common problem is language deprivation. Many deaf children grow up without access to sign language. About 90% of deaf people are born to hearing parents; even if hearing parents do send their deaf kids to a Deaf school, they may not learn sign language themselves, so the child must rely on what they can gather of spoken language at home. Sign language is even discouraged by some audiologists and speech professionals, because it "might interfere with speech". But by depriving deaf children of sign language, more often than not, they are being deprived of all language.

People who are born deaf do not learn spoken language naturally, even when provided with aids like hearing aids and cochlear implants. Many deaf kids who learn speech learn it through extensive speech therapy, and often have a "deaf accent" from copying mouth shapes but not being able to hear or process what sounds they are making, which may also include having an atypically pitched voice (e.g., very high-pitched). Lip-reading is inaccurate and the best lip-readers can only follow about 30% of a conversation, and that's by intently watching with no breaks.

It is possible to learn a language at any age. But it is easiest to pick up a new language when one is young. Children who do not learn a first language by around age 5--the age at which they would start school--have more difficulty learning any language, and may have frequent outbursts or trouble expressing emotions as a result of communication difficulties.

Another problem, especially within the Deaf community, is literacy. Spoken languages are often unrelated to the signed language of the same region. Learning to read and write, as a Deaf child, is like learning a whole new separate language, with different grammar and structure than their native language. This is why captions are not a perfect accessibility tool--it is, for many Deaf people, being offered an alternative in their second language, if they have learned to read and write at all.

Deaf Culture Norms

[Large Text: Deaf Culture Norms]

To hearing people, Deaf conversation can seem very blunt and to the point. This isn't to say Deaf people are inexpressive--quite the opposite: sign languages often use facial expressions as part of the grammar, and there is a lot of expression that can be incorporated into a sign--but there isn't a lot of "talking around" things. You can see part of this culture in name signs, which are usually based off a trait of the person. It's not offensive--it's just how they're recognized!

Another conception is of Deaf people being over expressive, but again, that is just part of sign language grammar. Face and body movements take the place of tone of voice, as well as other grammatical clarifications.

Deaf people talk a lot! It's very hard to end a conversation, because there will always be something else to say or a new person to meet. Hugging and other physical touch are really common greetings.

Tapping people on the shoulder to get their attention is fine. Other ways include flicking the lights or rattling a surface (for vibrations). Eye contact while signing is also important to make known that you are listening. Groups of Deaf people will sit in a circle so everyone can see everyone else. It's rude to talk in a Deaf space. If you are lost in the conversation, you'd ask if you can write or type instead.

Deaf Space also refers to design concepts that are more accessible to deaf people. This includes good lighting, minimal signing-height visual obstacles (e.g., low waist-height shelves), visual indicators instead of bells, open spaces so people can sit in a circle to talk, and automatic doors and wide hallways/passages so it is easier to continue a conversation while walking.

It's also very rude to comment on a Deaf person's voice. Do not mention you're surprised they can speak. Do not call their accent "cute" or "weird" or anything like that. Do not ask them to speak. Do not say their voice sounds really good ("for a deaf person") or that you wouldn't be able to tell they are deaf.

Deaf Views on Deafness

[Large Text: Deaf Views on Deafness]

The Deaf community is incredibly proud of their Deafness. You'll often hear the phrases "hearing loss = deaf gain" or "failing a hearing test" as "passing the deaf test". Continuing the Deaf community and culture is highly valued, and learning sign language is encouraged for everyone.

Many people in the Deaf community dislike cochlear implants as their success is incredibly variable and they require invasive surgery and therapies from a young age. Another big argument against CI is that they are often presented as the only or the first option to hearing parents, who misunderstand CI as a "cure" and then do not give their child access to sign language.

Deaf people also reject any sort of cure for deafness, especially genetic therapies. Many Deaf people do not think of their Deafness as a disability.

(Deaf people will often point out the advantages of Deaf culture and sign language, such as being able to talk over long distances, through windows, and even underwater.)

Most hard of hearing and some deaf people have hearing aids, although it is really an individual choice whether or not to wear them. Many d/Deaf/hoh people are overwhelmed and startled very easily by noise (since they're not used to that much auditory input) and get tinnitus from auditory overstimulation. They may also struggle with auditory processing--locating sounds, interpreting sounds, recognizing and interpreting speech, and other issues.

The Deaf community doesn't have any general complaints about hearing aids, just many prefer not to wear them. Do know that they are an imperfect aid; they just amplify sound, which doesn't improve processing or understanding, and it doesn't make people hearing. Not everyone even benefits from hearing aids--their specific hearing levels may make hearing aids a bad choice of aid.

A big point you'll hear in Deaf spaces is Deaf Can (and Deaf Power). Hearing people have historically treated deafness as a sign of incapability, but Deaf people can do everything hearing people can--except hear.

Myth Busting

[Large Text: Myth Busting]

Myth #1: All Deaf people are completely deaf. This is very far from the truth! Most deaf people have some degree of residual hearing, although this may require very loud sounds and/or at very specific pitches. Plus, there are many culturally Deaf people who are not deaf/hoh at all--CODAs, hearing children born to Deaf parents, are part of the Deaf community.

Myth #2: (Non-speaking) Deaf people do not make noise. Also very far from the truth! First off, Deaf people laugh. Many Deaf people also vocalize without knowing or intending, especially when excited. We can get very loud!

Myth #3: (Speaking) Deaf people talk loudly. While this can be true, often d/Deaf people talk more quietly than expected. This is because with severe to profound levels of deafness, no speaking volume is really going to be audible, so they will often rely on feeling vibrations in their throat to know if they're making noise. Vibrations are detectable at lower volumes than hearing people like to listen to.

Myth #4: Deaf people can't drive. I actually have no idea where this one came from but it's false. Deaf people can absolutely drive, and tend to have a lower rate of accidents and violations than hearing drivers. There is a common trend of treating d/Deaf people like they can't do things unrelated to hearing, but deafness on its own only affects hearing.

Deaf Struggles in the Hearing World

[Large Text: Deaf Struggles in the Hearing World]

A huge problem is just basic accessibility. Many places do not have captions or visual indicators, or rely on hearing (like drive-throughs). Movie open caption screenings are often at awkward times, and caption glasses are hard to find or access and awkward to wear.

Deaf people are also at increased risk of police violence. Police often treat signing as aggression, rather than attempts to communicate. When they yell, talk quickly, or shine a flashlight in Deaf people's faces, it's even harder to understand what is going on. Deaf people are also not often provided with a qualified interpreter and may not understand what is going on or why they were arrested.

Deaf people, specifically those who are mainly kept in the hearing world, have higher rates of drug use and addiction.

Hearing people also treat Deaf people as incapable or lesser. Gallaudet University had only hearing presidents until 1988 after the Deaf President Now protests; then-chair of the board at GU said in a statement that received heavy backlash from the students, "deaf people cannot function in the hearing world".

When writing your Deaf character:

[Large Text: When writing your Deaf Character:]

Were they born to hearing parents or to Deaf parents? (90% of deaf children are born to hearing parents.) Is anyone else in the family d/Deaf?

At what age was their deafness noticed? (It can be at birth, or it can take several years, even for children born deaf.) Is their hearing loss progressive? Is their hearing loss significantly different in each ear?

Were they eligible for cochlear implants? Did they get CI? Did they get hearing aids? (Consider cost as a factor: CI requires the surgery as well as intensive speech therapy; hearing aids are also expensive and can need replacement and refitting.) How well do the aids work for them? Do they have them in one or both ears?

What advice did their family receive from audiologists and speech therapists about sign language and communication, and did their family listen? Did they learn sign language? At what age? Did their parents and family learn sign language? Are they language-deprived? Did they go through speech therapy? What is their speech like? Do they like using their voice?

Did or do they attend Deaf school? Is it residential or day school? If it's residential, did they understand what was happening when they were dropped off? Does the school use sign language or rely on oralism? (Consider time period; most schools now use sign language, but from 1880-about 1980 the predominant method was oralism.)

If they don't attend a Deaf school, what accommodations are they receiving in mainstream setting? Are they in special education? Are they in a Deaf program at a mainstream school? Do they have an interpreter? How much do they understand what is going on in class?

How involved are they in Deaf community and culture? Are their friends and family involved and supportive of the Deaf community? Do they treat deafness like something to cure? Do their friends and family frequently ignore or "forget" that they are deaf?

In general, consider their scenario, what ableism they've faced, and what their Deaf identity is.

Happy writing, and please continue to send in your questions!

Mod Rock

[riverofrainbows]

Eliot Spencer. Listen to me i am obsessed with the man. He is so incredibly stereotypically masculine, and hardcore so, yet at the same time really isn't in ways that would be damning for the 2000s and early 2010s. Long hair, not unusually tall, the most emotionally aware one and most in tune with his emotions on the whole team. (Not that the others don't also have points in that area, but they're all terrible at it in some way and Eliot scores by far the most points.) He has a hobby that's not James Bond like (cooking), and he gets to be goofy while being unquestioned as the most badass guy in the room. And yes he makes inappropriate jokes about lesbians and goes all no homo at physical affection from other men, and younger people probably don't find him quite as monumental as i do in terms of masculinity. But his behaviour never reflects those jokes or the no homo, and he was the red blooded american former military guy character on a big network tv show in the year 2009. For which he was a severely mild case. He treats the other characters as people and not stereotypes, in the way the whole show does, and he has long hair he puts up in ponytails and half buns that have his side bangs falling out (you need to understand what big of a deal the manbun was in like 2013, so much so that they had to invent a word). He's emotional and doesn't actually mean his gruffness most of the time, and doesn't thinks himself above certain tasks or people. He wears ridiculous little outfits without putting up a show about his threatened masculinity, and he's the most emotionally intelligent one outside of cons. He wears little jewellery in his hair sometimes, and little braids even (yes braided hair was a no go), he plays guitar and sings earnest love songs not just to try to get laid (love songs would only be permissible in the immediate context of romance), and whenever they have a young woman as a client, that reminds him of home i presume, he works with so much effort and respect for them as the one he's in service to, and respects their opinion strongly. He wears glasses, and reads books and is way too nerdy for an action hero type of the 2010s. He is great with kids, and unironically so (there were multiple big shows and movies about the topic of "men needing to deal with children on their own" with the entire premise of that being ridiculous and them being naturally bad at it). He's the most stereotypically action hero type masculine guy on the show, and he does get strive or posture for power or dominance in their team, is content with a contributing role and trusting on the expertise of the others, and he is not portrayed as the most valuable one or as that behaviour being beneath him. He undresses so he and the woman he's fighting with are on equal ground reading undress. He is shorter than the others and continuously portrayed as the most dangerous one in any room, and height differences afe never deemphasised via cinematography (seriously, to be regarded as sufficiently masculine in western films they either get really tall actors or employ a variety of camera angles and boxes to give that impression. But just think of Eliot in the pilot when rescuing Hardison in the first break in, standing behind the group of security guys who all look way taller than him and more physically impressive with weapons and all. And then Eliot just in a t-shirt with no weapon but himself.) He has long hair (again, mainstream sufficiently masculine guys didn't do that back then, or now if we think of it (not that long at least)).

The show and all it's characters were a goddamn marvel back in 2009, and sadly in many ways still are today, 15 years later.

And he heals my little broken heart regarding gender stereotypes and masculinity, my heart that grew up in the 2000s and has so much difficulty accepting that my gender is valid. Bless him for it.

[autolenaphilia]

Edit: as hoshi9zoe pointed out, the original version of this post needlessly berated other transfems like Jennifer Coates, for which I do apologize, and I have toned it down in this edited version. The original version survives in reblogs.

Some months ago, I was searching through this transandrobro blog to see if they posted a callout of me, and i found this reblog, which I couldn't really write about for months, because what do I even write. I recently wayback machined it for posterity, and I guess this is my attempt to write a post about it.

It's saint-dyke himself, the coiner of transandrophobia, saying that the infamous (at least for me) article "I am a transwoman. I'm in the closet. I'm not coming out" is what made him coin the fucking word. It's literally bolded and underlined: "Reading this article is what made me coin “transandrophobia”.

The reason I put off writing this post is that reading that article makes me feel like i'm drinking poison. And it is poison, make no mistake, it's internalized transmisogyny brainworms dripping out of the writer's brain and onto the page.

It's a justification for why the author, known by pseudonym Jennifer Coates, doesn't want to transition, despite knowing she is a trans woman. And it's the exact kind of internalized transmisogyny that keeps trans women in repression and not transitioning. "I'm not going to pass, i'm forever going to be an ugly freak who will at best be humored by other women, the closet is uncomfortable but at least it's safe"

It's the same exact bullshit a lot of represssed trans women tell themselves because it's what society tells us about trans women, that we are freakish parodies of women, that we will never pass, and if we don't pass we have failed and are ugly freaks. It's all to scare us into staying in the closet and make others hate and fear us. Transmisogyny permeates our society, and the majority, maybe all transfems will absorb and internalize some of it.

Coates says that it all is just applicable to her, but again so many transfems believe this shit before transitioning and realizing it's a pack of lies. If this bullshit was in any way valid, a lot of trans women shouldn't transition, because before we actually transition many of us believe it word for word. And "it's only true for me" is how we justify it to ourselves. We tend to be way harsher on ourselves than others. This kind of self-hating transfem tends to think: "Other trans women are beautiful graceful goddesses, earthly manifestations of the divine feminine, always destined to be women, while I'm an ugly forever male ogre who just has a fetish."

It's all bullshit, it's poison, it's internalized transmisogyny.

And the rest of the article is bullshit too. It is not some insightful mediation on gender as some people say, it's the author confusing and mixing up actual transmisogyny with an imagined problem of misandry. She does this because she has gone full repression mode, and decided she has no other choice to live as a man, so her dysphoria and experiences of transmisogyny are actually men's problems.

It's a bad article, excusable because as Coatas points out, it's "essentially a diary entry." that was meant to be a way to "vent frustration" and she "did not intend for anyone else to actually read it." It is clearly not the product of a healthy mind.

I hope the author sometime in the past seven years eventually did transition, and that for whatever reason she didn't want to publicly repudiate her own article. Maybe she lost access to the medium account so she can't delete it.

Far worse than the article itself is the response to it. I've seen it passed around as some insightful commentary on gender by the "feminists are too mean to men, misandry is real" crowd. I have argued against this before. And other people have made insightful comments about it.

And learning that saint-dyke claiming that he was inspired to coin the word "transandrophobia" because of this article is the cherry on top of this shitcake of transmisogyny. For my thoughts on "transandrophobia" theory and how transmisogynistic it is, see here.

Of course, Saint-dyke absolutely could be bullshitting here. Claiming that Coates's article is what inspired him to coin the word might be a lie to claim that transandrophobia theory is not transmisogynistic because it came from listening to trans women.

This is why "listen to trans women" doesn't work. Because TME people will always choose a trans woman who confirms their prejudices. Blair White has made an entire career out of this. And Coates article is popular because it says that misandry is real and trans women's issues are partly caused by it, misgendering herself and other trans women.

And it's popular for another reason. Coates has thoroughly internalized transmisogyny, and thus her article presents a trans woman that is exactly as transmisogynistic patriarchal society wants her to be. She is suffering, but ultimately accepts her assigned role. She truly believes that her biological sex dooms her to forever be male. She literally "manages her dysphoria by means other than transition" as conversion therapy advocates want us to do. She never makes an social claim on womanhood by actually transitioning, so she doesn't invade the sacred women's spaces. Yet she performs the role of woman perfectly by serving men, by defending them from supposed feminist misandry. And she fulfils the ritualistic role that the rhetorical figure of "trans women" sometimes serves in progressive spaces, of giving a blessing to TME people's pre-existing views and actions, all while actual flesh-and-blood trans women are destroyed by those same deeply transmisogynistic spaces. This time it's a blessing for the same "misandry is real" soft-MRA bullshit that has infested the online left and created the transandrophobia crowd.

That is why this article and the positive response makes me sick, makes me feel like i'm drinking poison. This is what its fans want trans women to be like. I'm acutely aware this kind of self-denial is exactly what transmisogyny wants from me and tried to indoctrinate me into doing it. And I want none of it. I want to live, I want to be a woman.

[splatoonpolls]

a really long analysis about fanon Marina and the flanderization by fandom she has gotten

fanon marina (the version created by the fans) mainly focuses on two things, her being autistic coded and her being basically confirmed to be a lesbian. And I do think this has to do with her being VERY much like a typical splatoon fan in many people’s eyes. Her being a nerdy queer neurodivergent person. This is also why other parts, especially her relationship with her being an octoling gets often locked away. Subconsciously at least

if Marina was a book, several chapters would focus on her identity as a dome octoling. Her being autistic would probably pop up here and there, but it wouldn’t be a whole chapter. But her very much gay relationship with Pearl would definitely have a few chapters. But with people focusing on those few lines and chapters rather than the whole book. People would slowly ignore the other chapters, get shocked like Adam Sandler learning Pac-Man was the bad guy in the hit movie pixels.

the splatoon fandom’s western side is mainly white Americans and Europeans. Which is one reason why the fanon Marina doesn’t focus on her identity as an octoling, but also on how many details are not really told to the player. Marina barely shows her ears, which can both be read as her having sensory issues (which is a super valid headcanon(, but also her not feeling super comfortable with her body. With her ears being a reminder of her “you are with people who still think you are only going to steal stuff”. Her tentacles may be weird, she may lack the eyeliner an inkling has. But those things can simply be a stylistic choice. Her ears can’t be one. They are too different. I also know the DLCS focuses more on her identity as a dome octoling. However many can understand how her arc as a whole can be paralleled to the real life experiences of people belonging to marginalized ethnic communities. I also want to point, while writing this. I realized (which many people probably already did). Dome octolings you see outside of the domes (splatoon 2 octolings, Marina, Acht, Paul), are all refugees. They are all characters who grew up in a society that had been shunned for decades, even centuries. That society ended up being oppressive both due to external and internal issues. They know the society they’re living in is no longer a good place to live in. So they escape. Hoping to find a place that will take them on. For agent 8, Marina, and Paul. They found a safe place. Acht wasn’t super lucky however. They were told they could find a “promised land” only to be left in even more ruin before. So not only does Marina’s character arc focus on her being a part of an ethnic minority, but a refugee at that. so why does fanon marina usually avoid that part of her? Well as a mentioned before. Marina has three things that makes her very relatable. While the more backstory focused things are less relatable to a way smaller margin of the splatoon fandom. A way smaller part of the fandom are poc in a very white country. And a very small percentage are refugees.

if we removed Marina’s backstory. We would still be left with the fanon version. A nerdy autistic lesbian who deeply loves Pearl. I love how Nintendo got a game that also isn’t afraid to show a society that cares about queer people if not is queer centric itself. Which is probably why many people cling to that part of Marina. But if we removed that part. What would we be left with? Well, we would have an octoling refugee who is a trained soldier and can create weapons of destructions (and she would still be in love with Pearl, it is an important part of her backstory). im not saying the splatoon fandom’s openness to lgbtq and neurodivergent people is a bad thing just because they boil down one of the most plot heavy characters down to those things. It is actually a really great thing to have a fandom that is open to these marginalized groups.

i just want to say, due to this love for Marina being a character you can relate to. It feels like certain parts of Marina’s character (which can also be very relatable to some) is being drifted away to the more lore centric side of the fandom. Which will lead to a sort of fandom flandarization which is very unintentional and just done due to a love of Marina as a character.

If you’ve read this an disagreed, that is fine. Character writing is a very subjective thing

[romancerepulsed]

maybe this is a "hot take," but it's something i genuinely believe is true. aphobes can broadly be sorted into 3 categories: the uninformed, the bigot, and the bully. there is overlap between all 3, and i'm sure there are some people out there who are aphobic in a fun new way that i can't possibly conceive of yet, but i think these categories are fairly accurate and helpful for an aspec to recognize.

the uninformed aphobe is what it sounds like– they either don't know anything about the aspectrum or they've been fed false information about it. this is the only type of aphobe that is ever worth engaging with, and only to politely correct them and point them towards resources that would help them broaden their understanding. i'll be completely honest though: you'd be pretty damn lucky if you managed to actually singlehandedly change their mind. if they're not receptive to your corrections, simply move on. it's not worth the headache. you at least gave them something to think about.

the bigot, in contrast, is absolutely never worth engaging with. the bigoted aphobe is aphobic simply because aspec people are queer and they hate queer people. terfs famously used (and still continue to use) aphobic rhetoric as a sort of gateway drug for transphobia. the people who will argue that aspec folks aren't queer are often the same people who despise us because they associate us with queerness.

the third aphobe is actually the most common on this website, i think, and they're the reason i'm making this post. the aphobic bully may know full well the fundamentals of the aspectrum, but they will simplify and misrepresent it on purpose in an attempt to make aspec people look bad. aspec people have long been "acceptable targets" of bullying on this site for a reason that is fairly obvious to me but one i haven't seen anyone else point out: aspec people are largely neurodivergent. it's really no coincidence that ace discourse and cringe culture peaked at around the same time– they were one in the same, and the treatment aspec and autistic people received were (and still are) damn near identical. portraying aspec people as cringey teenagers who watched too many cartoons and are just too socially awkward for anyone to love them or whatever... it's a sentiment thats existed for years and years now. it took me a while to realize it, but this is why so many "tumblr funnymen" and other assorted popular blogs were/are aphobes too– they've got egos the size of china but they know they can't get away with blatantly picking on autistic people. so they'll hide behind a guise of aspec exclusionism, something that's unfortunately viewed as a real and valid ideology for someone to have. even aside from the thinly veiled ableism, bullies are always coming from a place of insecurity and projecting it onto other people. i've found that a lot of the most vicious aphobes are people who are struggling romantically or sexually. you can see them post about it, you can see even in the most recent discourse so many of these people are deeply stressed and hurt from whatever romantic or sexual struggles they're facing. to them, someone being unconcerned with those sorts of things is almost offensive because it means so much to them. they read it as a challenge to their own allo identity. so, why not take out that frustration on the aspecs?

it goes without saying that the bully isn't worth engaging with, either. they want to rile you up because it makes them feel better about themselves. don't give them that satisfaction.

[fen-luciel]

Jealousy part 1

Part 2 here

Warnings: age gap/toxic behavior

Vernestra-Padawan reader/jedi Qimir

I'll update the tags as the story progresses, there should only be two more parts.

I'm not sure how far I'll go with certain behaviors, so leave a comment and let me know what you think <3

(This first part is to provide context, the other two will set the story in motion)

Becoming a Padawan was a lifelong dream. Of course, I was young, so my view of the world and what I would experience in the coming years was very limited. The idea of being taken under the wing of a more experienced Jedi master, learning many more techniques, the missions, the travels, all the people and aliens I could meet... I was bursting with happiness.

Not that the exercises at the temple weren't stimulating, I was glad to have made friends, to have developed a routine with them, but I was ready for something new.

So, when I was finally introduced to my future master, I was bursting with joy. I recognized her immediately, it was hard not to. Vernestra was an important member of the Order, involved with the Senate, and was known for her numerous successes. It was an honor for me to receive that position by her side.

Over the years, I had been recognized as an excellent future Padawan, with the ability to learn quickly, a strong sense of observation, and a positive and kind character that always accompanied me. I was often praised for the way I presented myself to others. In short, everyone saw a bright future for me, but I had difficulty seeing it myself. I was young and inexperienced and I believed that the important thing was to follow the rules, the rest was just a part of me, something I did naturally.

I imagine that becoming Vernestra’s Padawan was just the confirmation of that golden path everyone saw me on, but I was too caught up in the newness to really think about it.

However, I soon realized that I lost the balance I had created up to that point, I lost some friends, some simply due to distance, others were... cold towards me.

I didn't understand what had changed. I would never have accused anyone of feeling emotions like jealousy or anger towards me, we were children. Missteps were normal, and we were taught that it was right to face them and learn from them.

But if you asked around, many would have described me as someone who never made mistakes, who always responded with a gentle smile, a comforting word, a hand on the shoulder, or even just a pleasant company if you needed to vent. Perhaps that was the problem. I appeared too perfect in the eyes of others.

And yet, the Master didn’t make me feel that way. She taught me everything calmly, I followed her every step, she reprimanded me harshly, but always with care. She soon realized how much I sought validation in everything I did.

It was stronger than me, I believed I was always making a mistake, that I was in the wrong. After all, who was I to say something was right or wrong? I was just a Padawan. A child.

And anyway, it wasn’t the Jedi’s job to give answers, but rather to push people to understand for themselves.

Even though it was a concept I found difficult to grasp myself.

Anyway, that’s how I met Qimir.

He was Vernestra’s former Padawan, now promoted to Jedi Knight and independent in his duties, but he often visited us, either to seek advice from his old Master or just to ask how she was doing. I found him very sweet.

The first time I met him in person, I already knew his name. He had managed to stand out as soon as he started his duties as a Knight. Among the younger ones, there was a sense of reverence towards him even though we had never seen him in person. And besides, it was rumored that he was terribly handsome, not that it particularly interested me at the time.

I remember I was in the library with Vernestra, she had assigned me some basic readings to start my future physical training. Young ones are already taught at an early age to defend themselves and to learn various positions, but it was more about building an understanding of your Force signature, learning to trust your senses. The real training would then be individual for the student once they had a Master, so she had recommended these introductory readings on the various forms of combat and their use.

Those were afternoons I remembered with particular affection. Sitting in silence, she would take a more suitable book or bring her work documents on her datapad, and the hours would pass in an instant. Sometimes, I would glance at her to see what she was doing. She noticed every time, smiled slightly, and gently scolded me, telling me to return to my tasks.

I was happy. I felt cared for, appreciated, but not in the cold manner of a teacher with their student. It was a feeling I didn’t quite know how to place in my heart, and it worried me a bit, but I kept my doubts for another day.

On one of those quiet afternoons, I met Qimir. The room was particularly deserted that day, so the sound of footsteps approaching could be heard clearly along the shelves. Thinking it was the librarian, I didn’t pay much attention and remained with my nose buried in the book. Even when he stopped in front of our table I didn’t pay attention. Then, a deep male voice I didn’t recognize spoke Vernestra’s name.

Curiosity flared up in an instant, and as the two began a light conversation next to me, I slowly raised my gaze, the book almost serving as a shield, my hair partly covering my eyes. In front of us stood a young man in his twenties, dressed in the classic brown Jedi Knight attire, speaking casually to Vernestra. His slightly long, smooth hair, a light smile, and dark eyes framed by a chiseled jaw.

It was the first time I saw him. And the first time my heart beat so fast in my chest.

I didn’t know if it was because he was undeniably a handsome guy. I had never been too interested in that sort of thing, and anyway, it was forbidden for Jedi to have too impure thoughts. It was more... his aura. The amused smile but attentive eyes, the neat but relaxed posture... he seemed to shine with his own light. It was what I felt when I saw a member of the council, when I glimpsed Master Yoda in the corridors, reverence, respect, a bit of fear.

He was captivating, and he seemed to be aware of it.

I didn’t even realize that I had been staring at him longer than I should have. He noticed the insistent gaze on him. I must have looked quite ridiculous, a young girl hiding behind a book while staring at the great Jedi Knight, but the smile he gave me right after almost took my breath away as I blushed, perhaps for the first time in my life.

“And you must be the new Padawan who took my place. Nice to meet you, I’m Qimir” he said, extending a hand, and after casting a nervous glance at Vernestra, who was smiling at me, I hugged the book to my chest with one arm, my palm tingling, unsure whether to return the handshake.

Another inner turmoil came with that first touch. His hands had long, slender fingers, marked by numerous calluses, probably from gripping the lightsaber or the various missions he faced. It was just another reason why I started to admire him. I could see all the dots connecting in this figure that represented everything I wanted to become. A Jedi. A reference point for those in need.

I said my name in a low, timid voice, and he leaned towards me with a slight frown “Such a small voice, are you always like this, or am I making you nervous?” he joked, but I bit my lip, not knowing what to reply, I pulled my hand away, but he didn’t let go. Instead, he began to gently rub my knuckles with his thumb.

“Leave her alone, Qimir. She’s shy, don’t start with your teasing” Vernestra scolded him, at which he let go. I hid my hand under the table, clenching it into a fist, my skin tingling.

“Sorry, sorry. It must be a relief for you to have someone like this after me” she sighed but didn’t deny it either, at which I let out a smile and he, noticing, winked at me.

That was the first time I had dealings with him. But soon I began to see him everywhere. When he wasn’t on a mission, he stayed around the temple, so I encountered him in the corridors, in the halls, in the meditation room, and he always had a kind smile for me.

He made me feel special even though I knew it was a selfish feeling. When I managed to study with other Padawans in the library or practiced in the courtyard, he always stopped by to give me a nod. My friends were jealous, but I wasn’t really offended. Qimir was... kind.

It was like seeing the Force alive and pulsing around him. It was impossible not to look at him, not to wish that he would glance at you even just once.

Everyone wanted to be like him. Charismatic. Confident. Everyone wanted to be his friend.

One of the first missions I did with Master Vernestra was another point of contact. Being young, I wasn’t yet allowed in particularly dangerous scenarios, not to mention that if there was one thing I was lacking in, it was combat. I followed the Master almost everywhere, political life was just as important in a Jedi’s path, and I had to understand the mechanics early on for when I would be older, even though they were often more moments of leisure.

The meetings lasted hours, often discussing places, people, and things I knew nothing about. I tried to stay focused, but it was really difficult, and even Vernestra thought I shouldn’t strain myself too much, so she let me roam around, maybe continue studying, or even just take a little break.

One day, ready to depart, we were loading the luggage onto the ship. We were going to spend a few days on Hoth, and I was incredibly excited since I had never experienced a planet with that kind of climate before. As I was lost in my thoughts, a light knock interrupted me. At the foot of the ramp, Qimir gave me a half-smile "Is there room for me too?" I was still intimidated by his presence since we had never really spoken before. I opened my mouth several times, glancing around awkwardly, not sure if he was teasing me or if I was too stupid to understand what he meant.

"I hope you didn’t bring your usual baggage" Vernestra said behind me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked at her, confused "Excuse me Master, is Qimir coming with us?" I struggled even to pronounce his name, it felt like an insult to do so, as if I didn’t have enough experience to earn such a privilege.

"What, you don't want me around?" he smiled as he walked up the ramp. I squirmed uncomfortably, realizing the embarrassing situation I had caused "N-no, I didn’t mean that—" He smiled even more, but Vernestra intervened again, scolding him "Give her some space Qimir."

The plan was simple: it was a diplomatic mission, and Qimir had joined us to study for a few days with his former master. I didn’t know exactly what he needed, but he wanted her advice. We left a few minutes later, and I avoided the control room like the plague. I only entered once to ask how much longer it would take, burning alive under Qimir’s gaze, then I shut myself in the bedroom and did my homework.

Hoth was as beautiful as it was freezing. But it was worth it; I had never seen such an immense expanse of white, the ground soft underfoot from the snow, the ice mountains, creatures I had never seen before. Vernestra stopped to talk to some locals, and I approached the enormous door overlooking the ice field. I wondered if the entire planet was like this. Did anyone live in those isolated areas? How could anyone survive in such a harsh climate?

A gloved hand rested on my back, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I turned, expecting to see my master, but under the hood, it was Qimir’s dark eyes that looked at me with a gentle smile on his face.

"Beautiful, isn’t it?" he asked before turning back to look at the white expanse before us. I nodded hesitantly. Nervous about speaking to him, I bit my lip but managed to gather the courage "Do you know... if there’s anyone who lives in these lands?" He looked at me, puzzled, and I quickly corrected myself "I mean... besides the local species. Or aliens accustomed to these temperatures. Do you think others could live in a place like this?" He let out a small amused puff, "Well, we actually know for sure. There are many bandits or pirates hiding in these lands. Mainly to hide something, you know, it’s not worth sending search teams into snowstorms for a single man" he explained.

I made a sound of acknowledgment, but he continued "And if we’re talking about others... I think so. Someone who likes solitude or seeks peace. It seems like a good place not to be found" At that point, I turned toward him "Completely alone? It seems..." sad. But I was afraid to say it out loud, sadness wasn’t one of those emotions a Jedi should typically feel, but it felt natural to feel melancholy at the thought of people wanting to lose themselves in nothingness, to never be found again.

"Sad?" he seemed to read my mind "You see, emotions are very complicated to recognize. What might seem sad to you might mean peace to others. As Jedi, we often take many emotions for granted, but we often forget to give them context" I listened, hanging on his every word.

The conversation seemed... strange in some way. It made sense. Of course it did, he was older than me, had more experience in the field, and knew what he was talking about. I should have just nodded and thanked him for sharing those words.

I ignored the burning sensation I felt and thanked him in a faint voice It felt silly to do so, but it was the least I could do.

He smiled at me and gently took my hand "Let’s go, we need to warm up a bit. Trust me, in two more minutes, you won’t be able to feel the tip of your nose" he joked. I stifled a giggle and let him lead me inside toward the rooms. I didn’t know if it was because we were both wearing gloves or because of the conversation we had just had, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable being held by the hand.

A couple of days later, I was alone in one of the bases scattered across the ice. Vernestra was in a meeting and had forbidden me from attending due to the sensitivity of some of the information that would be exchanged. The problem was that these places weren’t particularly full of people or things to do. Yes, there was a bar area, but after the third cup of hot chocolate, I was afraid of pushing my stomach to the limit, so I stayed at the entrance, my feet in a pile of snow as I doodled or made small, questionable-looking statues.

I was so engrossed in the crooked little house I was shaping out of the ice that I didn’t notice the snowball being thrown in my direction.

I let out a startled yelp when it hit the hood on my head. I spun around just in time to see Qimir burst into laughter "Why did you do that?!" I stood up quickly, brushing the snow off my head.

"You looked so bored, I woke you up, didn’t I?" he chuckled.

I glared at him with a pout while he continued to laugh, so I decided to get revenge.

I bent down to grab a pile of snow, quickly making two balls. I threw the first one, but he easily dodged it.

He turned with an arrogant smile, ready to boast when the second one hit him square in the face.

I burst into laughter. He wiped the snow from his nose, his smile gone before bending down to grab more snow.

I shouted his name, realizing immediately what he was about to do, and started running through the snow with him on my heels. We didn’t even have time to make proper snowballs, we just grabbed the snow in our hands, compacted it as best we could, and threw it at each other in a never-ending war. Sometimes I noticed people giving us amused looks as they arrived or departed from the base, but I didn’t care, I was so happy that, for the first time, I didn’t even care what people thought of me.

An hour later, Vernestra called us back, giving us a confused look. She sighed and sent us to dry off. I felt a bit embarrassed at that moment, and I apologized for the childish behavior, but she smiled at me and assured me there was nothing wrong with what we had done.

In the end I took a full shower someone had left dinner on my bed, considering how long I had been under the hot water. I ate and, putting on one of the heavy local pajamas, decided to step out into the hallway to ask the Master what we would be doing the next day. I knew she wasn’t in bed yet, based on her nightly habits.

I walked down the hallway on the second floor, where the various guest rooms were located, when I noticed that her door was already open.

I approached slowly and immediately recognized Qimir’s voice.

"I’m just saying, if we block the main routes, they’d be forced to come out into the open" With a sense of curiosity, I pressed myself against the wall to peek into the room. The two were looking at an old map spread out on the table.

"I agree, but it would take too many resources, and we don’t know the exact times or routes. It would take a lot of time" she replied wearily. Qimir, standing next to her, bit his lip before flashing one of his smiles, "Or... we could sneak in"

She sighed again "The point is the same. We don’t have the resources—"

"I’ll go in myself. I’ll cut the power right under their noses, and—" She interrupted him with a wave of her hand.

"Do you realize what you’re saying? Sneaking in like a thief, and then what? Even if I let you do it, they could still escape, and..." He circled the desk, positioning himself in front of her, his back to me, so I barely heard what he said "No one said we need them alive—"

A sudden thud made me jump. I pressed my hands to my mouth, paralyzed, afraid they had heard me "No. Stop this nonsense, Qimir."

I don’t know what they said after that, I was too busy slipping back into my room, the conversation I had just overheard spinning in my head.

Sometimes, as a Jedi, you had to make drastic choices, right?

Or at least, it seemed that way.

I tried to forget about it and went to sleep.

[celestialtarot11]

Astro Post 🪽

Hi lovelies! A new astro post for ya’ll! Hope ya’ll enjoy! Feel free to like comment and reblog with your feedback, or thoughts. I would love to hear! 🤍

divider creds: @fairytopea

Cap moon babies…it takes us a while to figure out who we are amongst the chaos. I think its important for Cap moons to experience living alone, outside of trauma because its necessary for our development. We crave stability and order, and when we live in an environment that isn’t conducive to that, we get unstable within ourselves. That being said: cap moons need to be alone at some point to figure out who they are instead of constantly saving people around them, or adjusting their personality to reduce backlash. Love you cap moons 🤍 (including me)

Pisces moon, ya’ll be similar to cap moons too. Its easy for yall to get stuck to your environment because it feels safe. It feels like its your only “checkpoint” to everything feeling real. So much that when you enter the real world it feels like a dream. Doing day to day things can trigger dissociation, because you only really felt alive during the traumatic moments. Pisces babes, please if you can create a safe space for yourself to grow outside of trauma. Just like cap moon.

And I think this goes for everyone regardless of astrology.

Aquarius placements, the need to feel unique and special can become tedious. Aquarius placements feel this way to feel chosen, and validated in their community after being neglected. Sometimes perfectionism can get in the way of Aquarius loving themselves truthfully, because they want to project an image of accuracy. So much that people can’t make out anything wrong about them. If they have neptune affliction to their personal placements, its almost about: “an illusion,” “i was never really there,” “and you cant find anything wrong with me if i never existed.” And some of them own this insecurity and work with it. Aqua placements, regardless of your past you will always be chosen by your higher self and spirit 🤍 you have someone rooting for you: you. Your future self.

Leo sun women, you don’t have to dim your light to seem more “mature,” “smart,” and “poised.” You are the light your inner child needs and anyone who stifles that, is also stifling the love you share to your inner child. Think about it. Your joy is your inner child, you get excitement from the littlest of things and having someone constrict that: means they are lessening the relationship you have with yourself. Don’t stick around with people who rain on your shine! Stick with others who shine with you. Leo sun women are so connected with their heart and inner child, that relationship is strong. Of course it can be weakened with trauma and pain, but Leo sun women need to be surrounded by those who uplift them!

Virgo placements knowing when something isn’t right and then dissing their intuition. Virgo pls, in esoteric astrology you’re known as the messenger of intuition and divine order! Gemini is the process of expressing it, but Virgo is the vessel to receive it. You guys know whats up immediately, and have a strong sense of internal navigation. You guys know where to find and create safe spaces if theres none, and your intuition knows if someone isn’t up to any good. Save yourself the villain arc, and trust yourself babes 🤍

Aries rising libra on the descendant, many others expected you to be poised, graceful, and humble to the point of neglecting who you are to fit in. Aries rising I think, always knew they weren’t the type to just “fit in,” since they were young. They knew they’d be open, outspoken, authentic and honest. Even if it shook people, which isn’t the same as being blunt: it’s called being truthful. And the truth scares people who avoid it. As Aries rising grows older they hone their personality that is honest, bold and confident, and releases the codependent part of them. 🪽🤍

Extra 🤍

Paid Readings 🪽

PAC Readings 🪽

[hoshikarasu]

ROMANCE IS BORING.ㅤ⸺͏͏ㅤJJK MEN & M!READER

❛ ⠀♡ . ˑ⠀featuring :   choso , nanami kento , higuruma hiromi , getou suguru

❛❛ ⠀Am I ready for love? Or maybe just a best friend? Should there be a difference, do you have instructions? ⠀❜❜ ⠀or ⠀being in a queer platonic relationship with jjk men !

❛ ⠀♡ . ˑ⠀notes  :   male reader. either the reader / jjk men, or both, can be seen as arospec. queer platonic relationships are just as important and equal to romantic relationships! all qprs are different from each other and are all valid. not proofread. divider by cafekitsune.

⟣   CHOSO   ⏖   ♡   !   ㅤㅤIt was a struggle to put his feelings into words when it came to you. Nothing that he could possibly weave together ever grew close to accurately describing his emotions and how he viewed the relationship between you and him. You are important to him. Of course you are. Just as much as Yuuji is important to him. Except… he didn’t view you the way that he did with his brothers. Those feelings didn’t push him to see you as more than that at the same time.

All that he knew for certain was that he adores you and you adore him. The way you look at him with smiles has his heart grow in multiple sizes. A label wasn’t necessary to place on you for him to know that he cared deeply for you. That he would do all that he possibly could to ensure your happiness and safety.

There’s not a doubt in his mind that you share this sentiment. He senses it in the way you reach for his hand to hold and squeeze tightly as if you plan on never letting go. The way you nudge him to open up his arms for you to give him a hug the second you notice anything off before he even realizes it.

You openly express your affection for him that his heart squeezes far too many times to the point that he wonders whether he should visit a doctor. 

It makes him pause whenever you two are asked if you’re dating. He never knows what to say. The love is mutual between you two for sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re both in love with one another. 

Yet he knows saying such a thing would garner strange looks or comments how you’re both confused or shouldn’t be using the word love to describe such a dynamic if it isn’t a romantic relationship. But he sees nothing wrong with using the word when it comes to you. 

He loves you. He loves you so much and will gladly let the world know it even if nobody else aside from you would understand.

⟣   NANAMI KENTO   ⏖   ♡   !   ㅤㅤMany people (read: one particular Gojo Satoru) joked or assumed that you and Nanami were together. There wasn’t a day that went by without someone making a comment about the two of you. You were always seen together doing just about anything and everything. All of Nanami’s spare time was dedicated to you, and you fussed over him like a concerned boyfriend. Why weren’t you two together? 

The pestering always annoyed him. This insistence that a relationship between two people had to be one way or the other. Or that people were that invested over somebody else’s relationship. What did it matter to them? 

All he wanted was to exist. With you specifically. 

Whenever a mission would get too rough, his mind would drift to his thoughts of retiring and running away to Malaysia. In each and every single one of them, you were there right by his side. He yearned for solitude so deeply, but for a solitude that included you as well. 

Where there would be no prying eyes to how the two of you interacted with one another. Nobody would make any jabs at both of you guys’ indifference to ever developing a romantic relationship with one another. No judgment would be made, not that he paid any attention to how people may perceive the nature of your relationship and interactions with each other, on the love shared between you two.

It’s very easy to imagine taking a stroll on the shore of the beach and having you hand in hand.

The next time that Gojo cracks a joke upon catching the two of you visiting Nanami’s favorite bakery, hands full of his favorite bread and your favorite pastries, and linked arms, Nanami is ready with a response. He waits to hear the familiar question of whether you two are together to answer with a simple, 

“I’ve always been his.”

⟣   HIGURUMA HIROMI   ⏖   ♡   !   ㅤㅤNot once has Higuruma ever considered that he would find himself in a relationship quite like the one he has with you. Granted, the possibility of having any sort of close and intimate relationship with anyone always came across as impossible. There wasn’t time for him to spare for anyone else. He was too caught up with his own work and wrangled up in his passion for justice. At least that was the case until he met you.

Your presence in his life has redefined many things for him. A new passion in him sprouts and blossoms with every passing second that he spends with you. One that is devoted to you and only you, and it grows at the mere sight or thought of you.

Nobody else understands him the way that you do. 

Each time he is weighed down by a trial that has led to an unjust verdict for his client and he catches a glimpse of their expression, you are the one who seeks for comfort. You very easily understand what he needs without any need for words. Despite being a rather tall man, he succumbs to making himself so small while being gathered into your arms. 

It’s easy to sense how all he wishes for is the comfort and warmth you never fail to provide him. His soul feels intertwined with yours and his heart wants to be held with those gentle hands of yours. Said gentle hands that always seek out to cup his face and gently him closer to look at you directly. 

Without fail, you whisper to him sweet reassurances and nothings. You are always determined to make him feel loved and cared for. And as he gets lost in staring into the warmth of your gaze, being placed looked at with such a loving stare, there’s only one thought that lingers in his mind.

I’m lucky to have you.

⟣   GETOU SUGURU   ⏖   ♡   !   ㅤㅤIt’s rather funny to Getou how Nanako and Mimiko can fully understand the intricate bond between you and him compared to other grown adults. Plenty of people assume that you are together or married. Nanako and Mimiko’s habit of referring to you as their other dad most likely plays a factor into that. 

Or maybe it’s also due to the fact that he never fails to lean close and kiss your nose or your cheek or wherever he can reach. It could also be the fact that you openly address him as your other half, your husband, and other sweet terms of endearment that has his heart skip a few beats.

Anyone who dares to assume that something romantic is going on between you and Getou are quick to receive odd looks from you, Getou, and your girls. Then again, he supposes he can’t expect that for anyone outside this little family of yours to fully know how strong this bond is that it goes beyond their comprehension of love and relationships.

Both of you are fairly affectionate with each other, whether you’re out in public or alone in the privacy of your home. As mentioned earlier, he presses a kiss to any inch of your skin he has access to and pairs it with a reminder of his love for you. And you slot yourself into his side with ease like you belong there (which you do). Your head gets tucked under his chin and it doesn’t take long for the two of you to fall asleep together. 

There’s nothing to hide from you. You know full well his heart is for yours to hold and that your heart is kept safe in his.

Thinking about the future used to be grim, but knowing that you will be there every day in his future with the girls brings him comfort.

[admirxation]

彡 𝐈𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐰𝐢𝐩𝐞

♡ 𝐬𝐮𝐦: the reader is feeling lonely so she decides to go through with a hookup with a guy she recently matched with.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 — afab!reader x Toji Fushiguro, 18+ nsfw smut mdni, tinder hook up, alcohol consumption (no one gets drunk it's used to make each other confident), flirting, praise, touching, clit pinching, rubbing, overstimulation, blow job, throat fucking, orgasms, tit fucking, p in v, doggy style, hair pulling, spanking, and dirty talk. // continue at your own discretion, you’re responsible for the content you consume.

It starts with a swipe.

That’s the familiar tagline of the dating app that you’ve dedicated endless hours to. You have spent many nights swiping until you hit your daily limit—never willing to pay a subscription for more swipes—and locking yourself in the same old tiring routine.

You’ve had the whole experience so far on this app: the dull and lacklustre small talk with people as engaging as a brick wall, the creeps that would always come on too strong and earned an instant unmatch, and the share that always hurt the most; the person who you would click with, sharing engaging and easily flowing conversations with them, only for it to turn to a situationship with the heartbreaking “I want more” “I’m sorry, I don’t” conversation. Resulting in their name, that used to give you butterflies, now being added to a growing blocked list. The only experience you were waiting for, and was held back from, was the experience of finding that one person that makes you delete the app, to happily sit there and press that ‘I met someone’ button when deleting your profile—but that just seemed like a distant fantasy as of now.

Online dating was relentless.

You waded through a sea of wrong swipes, enduring awkward conversations and dead ends, all in the slim hope of finding someone you would actually connect with; that person that made you delete the app for good. It may be naïve to have that hope, but it was not entirely impossible nor something that only happens in fictitious rom-com. After all, you’ve heard of people finding their life partner through those apps, and you even read that meeting partners online was now increasingly common with how technology had interwoven and ingrained itself in daily life and consumption, but honestly, who cares about those statistics when you’re not apart of them? It’s a selfish notion, yes, but all you wanted was to be a part of the successful group that found someone, not the rest who gave up after the app only regurgitated years of disappointment and false hope. But hey, at least you got some matches to boost the ego with physical validation.

Right now, you were just lying in bed, music playing softly in the background to muffle that gnawing sense of emptiness, continuing that usual routine of swiping—going through the usual rapid-fire “yes no” rhythm.

But something made that pause.

The something, or more someone, made you stop and actually take in their profile rather than blitz through it. As you scrolled you were always met with the same tiring cliches: cheesy one-liners, the dreaded holding the fish photo, group shots where you had to guess who the person was, and of course dog pictures—because nothing else says game than luring women with flaunting your four-legged friend. But the person behind this profile seemed intriguing.

“Toji,” you muttered quietly under your breath, reading his name aloud as you raised your eyebrow in intrigue the more you tapped through his profile.

He was handsome, that was for sure, had a solid physique, and a cocky over-confident smirk painted on his face that was arrogant but, in a way, he made it work with a certain charm you couldn’t overlook. His bio was short and to the point: involving his age, height, hobbies, and at the very bottom, the classic deal breaker ‘not interested in a serious relationship, just here for hookups.’

“For fucksake,” you groaned as your head kicked back and sunk into the plush pillow. The one guy who actually made you pause for more than a second was the classic ‘fuckboy.’ Of course, you would just have to swipe left since you weren’t interested in just a quick fuck… but your logical mind was put on pause when your thumb hovered over the screen, knowing you should swipe left. Yes, he didn’t match what you wanted so it probably wasn’t a good idea, it could end up in disaster if he also swiped you and you became too attached to the guy who was never going to be emotionally available, but god was he undeniably attractive to the point you wouldn’t care—maybe you could just try to blow off a little steam and try out what he’s looking for, just because you were searching for a lover didn’t mean you couldn’t indulge now and again… right?

As logic and physical attraction were battling in your mind, you took a deep breath and told yourself to stop getting ahead of yourself; there’s a chance he wouldn’t swipe for you and you’re worrying over some guy that you could swipe and never see his photo again—with a shrug of your shoulders, in your acting of mature demeanour, you just swiped right thinking that this would just be a forgotten swipe.

Toji Super Liked you.

Toji: Hey.

~~~

That night, the conversation went well. You remembered how as the night drew on you two seemed to have that natural flow, even had some things in common. Of course, in no time his messages were making you lie down on your stomach with a silly grin on your face as you watched the dancing chat bubble when awaiting another message that would make that sweet knot develop and tie in your stomach.

That feeling was only growing the more you two had been talking, a week straight and he had been consistent with messaging, but of course, you knew this was going to end up like other situationships with turning back to strangers one day. You knew this would end up like that because of what was in his bio, you’d just be a ‘hookup’, but at least you knew where you stood with him, and you didn’t exactly mind the idea of ‘hooking up’ with him.

There was something fun about knowing that information, unlike other failed situationships, you didn’t have to worry about what he was looking for; you knew you were just another girl’s name on his contact list but that was… tolerable, okay even. You didn’t need to constantly worry, and it was nice to know not to get too attached from the get-go. It was almost fun to just be casual.

That feeling of fun, that bubbling excitement that had been festering inside of you the more days you spoke with him, was finally reaching its peak when you were on your way to his place, after seeing on your phone:

Toji: okay sweetheart I’m going to cut to the chase here... I super liked you and we’ve been talking for over a week now, and I’ve enjoyed it, but how about we have fun and you just come to my place… Promise I’ll make it worth your while?

You had gotten dressed in careful consideration, cycling through countless outfit options and makeup styles and showing your friends, asking them about their opinions with the “be very honest, I want to look really good tonight,” only being met with the teasing of “what’s the point in wearing that dress when it’s obviously coming off later” with their giggles and smirks. Despite their playful teasing, their excitement matched your own and helped you find the look you wanted.

Standing outside his apartment door was only a catalyst of your beating heart sounding like a drum in your chest, beating louder and louder the closer the door was when you walked, his door number staring back at you and causing a flush of nerves to take over; with one deep breath you steeled yourself and knocked—there was no turning back now after that.

The door opened and there he was, Toji, the guy you had nonstop talked to this week, the one you saw in his profile pictures—only he was much better in real life. Tall, with that strong physique, and a playful smirk traced on his features as his eyes trailed over you from head to toe, there was no mistake about the gleaming flash of appreciation he had in those clouded desired eyes; he was savouring every detail that was right in front of him, the kind of look that made you already feel exposed and thrillingly alive under his scrutiny.

“Hey,” he greeted, stepping aside to let you in, and you took note of the voice you could finally hear, that smooth with the right amount of roughness and heat like a glass of whiskey. “Come on in, make yourself comfortable.”

You two exchanged a few pleasantries, trying to calm the butterflies and nerves as you slipped off your shoes and made your way to his couch, noticing the wine glasses that were already set out on the coffee table, paired with the tension that was thick enough to slice through.

With a small smile, you smooth down your skirt as you sat, acutely aware of how close he was already getting to you, the air buzzing with a heady mix of anticipation and nervous energy from you, and he was only providing you with a calm and smooth demeanour—a manner someone who was used to this would portray.

“You’re even more beautiful in real life,” he said with his eyes never leaving your frame. Yeah, it was a bit of a cliché, something expected from that obvious ‘fuckboy’ aura he had going on, but the sincerity in his tone and the confident gleam in his eyes made it land differently and perfectly—you knew where this night was going to lead to, and you were extremely excited by it. He reached for the wine bottle, raising an eyebrow as if to ask for silent permission, to which you nodded, watching the deep red liquid swirl and spill in your glass, soon after letting his fill up.

“Cheers to finally meeting in person,” he said with that same teasing grin that was doing so well to make you melt like butter, holding up his glass and the clink of your glasses feeling like the start of something was charged, something simmering beneath the surface.

You hesitantly took a sip, feeling the warmth slide down your throat as you softly laughed your next comment off: “It’s kind of weird to finally meet you, I know we spoke a lot during this week but it’s still nerve-wracking, you know?”

“Why so nervous? Be that girl on text, I liked her, she was never shy~,” he shot back as he leaned in closer, his voice having a flow and tantalising flirtation about it where that teasing lilt sent a rush of heat to your cheeks, and you couldn’t help but let a small nervous laugh out as you felt him lean closer, his knee touching yours.

“Maybe I was just trying to keep up with your messages,” you retorted playfully, feeling a bit bolder as the wine was working its magic through your conversation, looking away for a moment.

He smirked; his fingers placed underneath your chin as he gently pointed you in the right direction—his gaze. “Oh, I doubt that… You were having loads of fun with me on text,” he murmured, looking at you through lusty half-lidded eyes that dipped briefly to your glossy lips, the tension between you both crackling and begging for a release and initiation.

“Relax,” he said with almost a purr as his fingers trailed to tuck a strand behind your ear, a smooth transition back to caressing your cheek. “We’re just here to have a good time, right? No pressure… I’m sure that girl on message will come out eventually, and I’m looking forward to it.”

You nodded, but your mind was racing. There was a challenge in his gaze, daring you to match his confidence and the aura he was presenting, to keep up with his teasing dance that was already working its magic on you: “I think I can handle that,” you said with a coy smile, taking another sip, and letting the warmth of the wine and his lingering stares and touches blur the feeling of nerves into relaxed tranquillity.

~~~

Thanks to, now, three glasses of wine that had been indulged in, you had warmed up to him quickly, that demeanour you both shared on text was coming out with the shared flirtation and how touchy you were both being as you looked at each other with dusted cheeks and stares that were full of need and desire.

As his large hand gripped your thigh that knot that had been manifesting into a pooling heat all night was travelling lower and lower down your body, spreading further to increase your body heat and that pull you felt was drawing you in closer to him, subconsciously biting your lip at him—those three glasses of wine were a real help tonight.

“There she is,” he teased, finally getting that flirty girl he had been messaging.

“You like that, huh?” he asked with that arrogant smirk that had been plastered on his face the more he had been flirting with you all night; he took no hesitation as his fingertips moved under your skirt slowly, getting closer to your inner thigh before giving it a gentle squeeze, watching a sweet exhale escape your lips as you looked down at his hand.

“I mean, it’s quite obvious I like it, no?” you answered back with, now, a calm and collected done, bringing your eyes back to look into his as your bodies were subconsciously leaning in closer to one another, the tension being palpable between you; all those conversations and the plan of you entering his apartment was all to lead up to this moment.

You couldn’t help but melt into a puddle as you felt his hand cup your cheek, gliding his thumb on your glossy bottom lip, staring at you with intent and lust. There was a burn in this stare, one that made your legs start to quiver and tremble the more his fingers travelled up until you felt him draw a line against your clothed cunt, making a whimper trickle out as you looked down and watched him slowly rile you up.

“I like this version of you,” he teased as he moved closer, his warm breath against your neck as he left soft and hot opened mouth kisses as his index and thumb pinched around your clit, making your already soaking folds push together, making a shiver crawl through you and turn to a high-pitched moan for him that filled the air—only heightening his ego.

“Ahh~”

“Oh, you like that a lot, hm?” he loved how easy it was to get a reaction out of you, how responsive you were as his fingers circled around your cluster of sensitive nerves, and his lips on your skin making a overstimulation of ecstasy that made your chest pump up and down with your pants and moans; you were adoring every minute of this, melting for him like butter. He was so damn good at this as he kept circling and feeling that damp spot in the middle of your lace panties, whispering to you as he kept rubbing and drawing out sweet little moans from you.

“Mmmm Toji~” you whimpered, your lip quivering as the heat inside was ready to explode as he held your wrist and guided your hand to his imprint, making your fingers glide along the denim tent, hearing him pant as you put just the right amount of pressure.

“Feel that baby, see what you’re already doing to me?”

He was way too good at this, but who cares where he had gotten this bravado and skill, all you wanted to do was experience said skill all for yourself, in a moment to get lost in.

You felt your stomach sink as you felt his fingers tangle in your hair, gently pushing your head down, watching you through that clouded stare he held on to your pretty face as you got closer to his cock; lying down and resting his head on the armrest as he watched you with hunger and anticipation.

“I want you to unzip it with your teeth.” There wasn’t much room to negotiate with that, especially with the tone he was giving; leaving you to look up as you unbuttoned and let the feeling of metal graze your fingertips, before getting closer and placing your front teeth on the zipper to drag it down slowly. However, just as you were about to take it down you couldn’t help but blabber on to make sure you didn’t disappoint.

“Just so you know, I’m not very used to this instant hook-up thing, so I hope you’re not expecting—”

With one playful eye role he cut your words off, his hands in your hair as he looked down at you, on your hands and knees on the sofa with an arched back and a skirt hiked up that exposed your underwear.

“Sweetheart, I want you to suck it not give me a life story,” he caressed the sides of your head as he kept his fingers tangled in your hair, “now, take it and shut up like a good girl, is that okay?” giving you a smile that made it all okay, nodding and taking the chance to bite down on the zipper and drag it down. “That’s a good girl,” Toji muttered as he stroked the top of your head as he watched you obey his every command: loving how he didn’t even need to persuade you that much, you were so eager and ready for him—such a good girl for him.

You wrapped your fingers around the waistband, being met with his help as he bucked his hips forward gently for you to pull down his boxers and jeans, a blush growing a deeper shade of red as his length sprang out; momentarily you looked up at him, even though you knew exactly what he was wanting you to do with it—no more words were needed in the situation. Your fingers curled around his rock-hard cock, feeling a twitch travel in his body as you kept pumping it with your soft hand, sitting neatly between his legs before you gave a wet stripe with your tongue along the prominent vein on his shaft, drawing out a groan from him as you continued to lick it.

“Ahhh, fuck~” he hissed.

You made his head kick back even further as you pushed your tits around his shaft, leaving kitten licks on his tip that was already drowned in precum, his hips already pushing forward as he thrusted in between your tits.

You smirked as you looked up at him, giving him a few strokes between your breasts before moving your mouth entirely down and taking his whole length, your lips surrounding the base of his thick length and making him call out your name under the murmurs of his moans and laboured breaths as you took him so well.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy like that,” he uttered as his fingers grabbed gentle fistfuls of your hair as your head sank further and bobbed up and down, looking up at him with those gorgeous eyes as you sucked hard on him. “Keep going, oh my-fuck, that’s right~” he continued to praise until his lack of patience was becoming obvious when he bucked his hips forward with more force lingering in his movements.

“Mmmm!”

A smirk tugged at the corner of his lip as he saw that cute little jump and the way your eyes widened in surprise when the head of his fat cock bashed in the back of your throat, loving those sexy sounds that filled the room as he rocked his hips into your mouth, fucking your throat as he held down your head, the whimpers and occasional gags on his large cock already making him want to paint your throat white—but he couldn’t cum yet without the feeling of being inside you.

As he watched you, he had a growing need to know what you felt like, how it would feel to fuck you so hard; quickly balancing on his elbows as he propped himself up and stopped your movements, making you look up at him in confusion and curiosity.

“I thought you were liking that?” you uttered.

“Oh, I was, but I want something else… Turn around for me baby… Quickly.”

You didn’t give any comment or ask for any reassurance, just knowing you were going to love what would happen next, you weren’t stupid everyone knows what’s coming after “turn around”. You grabbed onto the armrest and looked behind you as you arched your back and pushed your ass up, being met with his looming figure already pressed up against you, his hand on your ass as he positioned himself and teasingly rubbed his tip between your folds, making you mewl out in neediness for him.

“Oh please, I need to feel you.”

“Need? You’ve definitely gotten confident tonight,” he pushed in further and let your folds envelop around him snuggly, making him suck in a quick cold breath as he plunged further in and let your walls tighten and pull him in.

You couldn’t answer, you were too busy letting your fingers curl into the fabric of the couch material as you chewed your bottom lip and let your heavy eyelids flutter up as you moaned out his name.

“Ahhh~ Oohhh fuckkk Toji!”

You watched from behind as he thrusted and rocked his hips further inside of you, those moans and grunts only adding to the heat you felt in your aching core as he rammed himself further inside of you, letting your soaking cunt run its wet down your inner thighs as he kept giving it all to you, slapping the fat of your ass as he watched you take him.

“Nngh~ You’re so sexy like that… You like being fucked like this baby?”

“Mmhmm, nnghh~”

“Use your words, I wanna know how you feel,” something about the power he had over you was intriguing to him, watching you just take it, “Come on, I’m waiting baby girl.” His teasings were not only limited to verbal as his hand gripped onto your locks and pulled you back, making you pant heavily as he fucked your tight little wet hole and pulled your hair with more force.

“I, mmm~ Love it! It feels amazing!” your eyes started to water as you squeezed them shut, getting adjusted to how big and how rough he was.

“How about, this?” he punctuated his question with a harder thrust and harsher spank on your ass that was sure to leave a big red mark of ownership, his cock hitting against your cervix the more he got lost in the feeling of your walls spasming around him, and making you call out his name and weep as the tip was hitting just the right spot as he buried it deeper and deeper inside your snug cunt.

“Toji! Yes yes yes! Right there!”

You had melted down into nothing but a blabbing fool as you cried out for him in need, being met with your release as you came all over his length, accompanied by your shaking thighs as he was still trying to reach his finish.

“…Fuck,” he groans as he quickly pulls out, gripping harder on your hips as he pushed his cock between your ass, letting him spurt out hot ropes of cum all over your back, riding out his high as he watched it pudding into the dip of your arched back.

“Stay still, I’ll get something for you to clean up with,” he murmured with a light spank on your ass before going to get you a towel.

Taglist: @bratbby333 @styrofoamplat3s [taglist link here]

a/n: I swear Choso and Toji are just my fav guys that make me fold ahehehehee, I just wanna write them 24/7.

[scribblesofagoonerr]

she was a skater girl! | buddy & monkey: double the trouble

another part of the chaos continuing in america but heads up, this is a long one to read!

pairings: leah williamson x reader!monkey x reader!buddy

summary: monkey's menace behaviour ends with drastic consequences in the form of an injury

double the trouble masterlist

thank you to @alotofpockets for the help along the way and also my self doubt when writing.

“I’m bored,” You complain, huffing as you flop back on your best friend's bed once you have entered her room, “I’m so bored. Aren’t you bored?”

You guys have the lucky opportunity to have some free time away from the preseason training for the next game against Chelsea, but you didn’t realise how bored you are now you’ve run out of things to do and technically, you aren’t meant to leave your hotel room but there’s only so many videos on TikTok that you will watch before you go stir crazy.

Kyra looks at you curiously, “What’re you doing here?” She pauses as she shuts her hotel door behind her and looks at you, “I thought you couldn’t leave your hotel room other than training, games and anything else that’s not related to having fun, direct orders from Lord Farquaad herself?”

Technically, Kyra is right.

You’re not meant too, but you’re bored and going crazy alone in the hotel room.

You’re grounded and it sucks, although it’s your own fault for getting so hyper on energy drinks and thinking it was a good idea to play football in the living room.

It was definitely not a good idea at all when the TV ended up getting smashed.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” You bite your bottom lip and shrug your shoulders, “Alright so I snuck out, but I’m going to go insane being stuck in that hotel room!”

“You’re bound to get into more trouble for that,” Kyra snickers knowing full well you will no doubt end up in more hot water.

You huff and groan dramatically, “But aren’t you bored?” You sidestep her question and repeat your own.

“I’m bored,” The older girl chuckles in agreement.

“See?” You wave your hand around in gesture, “I’m bored of being stuck in this dumb hotel room. Let’s do something fun!”

“And how do you plan to do that when you can’t leave the hotel?” Kyra questions, making a valid point about things.

You can’t help but grin mischievously at the older girl, “That’s why we’d sneak out of the hotel, duh!”

“I’m not sneaking out of a window.” Kyra remarks, “And what’re we gonna do when we’re out of the hotel?” She wonders, curiously.

You sit up from the bed and shrug your shoulders, “I don’t know, I’m just bored. Buddy’s off with Rory, having some sort of playdate that Le and Beth set up and I can’t be bothered to sit in this hotel, so let’s go out and do something fun!” You insist.

“Okay, sure, you don’t have to convince me twice!” Kyra grins in agreement, taking hold of your hand to pull you up off the bed, “Let’s go– Wait, do we need disguises? Y’know like hats and all that.”

“That’s where I’m already prepared,” You smirk, gesturing to the baseball cap on top of your head and sunglasses in your hand, “Let’s go, let’s go!”  You exclaim, throwing your hood up over your hat before all but dragging Kyra out of her hotel room.

“So, where are we going first?” Kyra wonders, her tone curious as the two of you wander around the different shops.

Sneaking out of the hotel with Kyra proves to be easier than you anticipate, there were no girls around in the hotel lobby so it was simple enough to just walk out the door without anybody seeing you.

The crisp air of the city outside feels exhilarating and you can’t help but bounce around in excitement.

“Dunno, let’s just walk around and see what there is,” You respond, sticking your hands in the pocket of your shorts, trying your best to not get recognised because the last thing you want is to be spotted by fans right now. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Kyra nods in agreement.

As you stroll around, your gaze falls on a shop window that has vibrant skateboards displayed and your eyes lit up in excitement, “Ky, whoa, looky!” You practically tug the older girl into the store, “Check it out, see how cool it looks? I need it!”

“Wow, that looks cool!” Kyra glances at the skateboard and reluctantly allows you to drag her inside, “You should definitely get one!” She encourages, being the bad influence that she is.

“Right? I have to get it!” You declare, practically vibrating with excitement, “Think of all the different cool tricks that I’m gonna be able to do on it, Ky!” You add, making your way over to the man at the counter to discuss purchasing a skateboard of your own.

“Yer’ it’s totally sick!” Kyra exclaims, “Do you actually have your own bank card right now?” She wonders, amusedly.

“No, of course I don’t,” You huff and slide your wallet out of your pocket, “Lucky enough this is my allowance money that I’ve so kindly been given,” You murmur, sarcastically as you hand the money over the man to pay for your new skateboard.

Kyra snickers in amusement, “I still can’t believe that you don’t have control over your own money.”

“Tell me about it, apparently I’m irresponsible,” You mutter in disagreement, accepting the bag  with the board in, “This is totally worth the money spent on it though!”

“Oh yeah, and I’m sure Malfoy’s gonna see it that way,” The older girl smirks knowingly, “She’s totally going to have a heart attack over this.” She adds.

Smirking back at the older girl, you thank the man and walk out the shop, “Yeah, she’s totally gonna freak out about this,” You pause, “I mean I’m already grounded, so what’s the worst that can happen now?”

It turns out a lot worse can happen as you're about to find out.

One minute you’re mucking around on your new skateboard and the next minute, you're on the ground in floods of tears and crying out in pain.

The two of you were successful to make your way back to the hotel without any speculation of your whereabouts and as far as Leah was concerned, you were in your hotel room the whole time staying out of trouble. 

Oh boy how wrong she was there, though. 

Currently you are with Kyra and goofing off in a quiet corner out the front of the hotel, acting without a care in the world. The evening is cooling down and the city lights cast a soft glow on the pavement.

“Show me what yer’ got skater girl!” Kyra encourages, a smirk plastered on her face in amusement as she watches you on your board.

“She was a skater girl, she said see yer’ later girl!” You goof off and sing aloud playfully while messing about on your new skateboard.

With not much experience on one before, you have been happy enough to pick it up quite quickly without much difficulty.

“Whoa, look at me go,” You exclaim, grinning from ear to ear and having such a blast on it, “This is so cool!”

It was going fine, until it wasn’t.

Until one step and you misjudge the angle so your foot slips awkwardly off the edge of the board.

“Agh, shit!” Feeling your ankle buckle, you collapse to the ground with a jarring thud. There’s a sharp, searing pain radiating through your leg, causing you to cry out in distress, “Shit, ow, my ankle!” You sob, the pain intensifying as you clutch a hold of your ankle, “My ankle!”

“Oh shit— Monkey!” Panic takes over Kyra’s usual playful facial expression as she rushes to your side, “What’d you do?” She questions.

Trying to stand up, it doesn’t end well when you crumple back on the floor while the tears stream down your face, “Ow, it hurts! I… I want my mum. I want my mum!”

Kyra’s eyes widen in panic as she looks around, “Alright, alright. I’ll go get her– Wait here, okay? I won’t be long!” With that, she rushes back into the hotel where she crashes into Steph and Kim in the lobby, “Where’s Leah?”

“Whoa, slow down,” Steph chuckles, slightly taken aback by Kyra’s frantic behavior, “What’s the rush?” 

Kyra’s eyes are wide with desperation, “Where’s Leah?” She repeats, her tone sharp and urgent.

Kim furrows her eyebrows in confusion, “Over there,” She gestures to where the blonde is sitting with Lia and Beth while Buddy and Rory play together, “What’s going on?”

“Leah! Leah!” Kyra yells, ignoring Kim and Steph’s questions as she rushes towards Leah, “Leah!”

Leah looks up, a bemused expression on her face when she sees Kyra, “Alright, pest?” she jokes, “What’s goin’ on?”

“You have to come quickly, it’s Monkey!” Kyra exclaims, her voice sounding frantic compared to usual.

“Oh god, what’d she do this time?” Beth jokes, glancing in the direction of the Australian girl.

“It was only a matter of time,” Lia chimes in, amusedly. 

“It’s serious, she’s hurt!” Kyra tells them,  her voice continuing to sound urgent, “She’s out the front of the hotel, Leah! She needs you!”

Leah’s eyes widen in panic as she darts up from her seat at the mention of Monkey being hurt, “Wha… Beth, Wally, will you… do you girls mind keeping an eye on Buddy for me?” She motions to where her little girl is sat playing contently with Rory, Beth’s little one. 

“Of course,” Beth replies to the blonde.

“We got it, go find out what’s wrong with her,” Lia nods in agreement, gesturing for Leah to run off.

“Thanks,” Leah murmurs before she rushes off in the direction to the front of the hotel, “How much trouble can she get in when she’s supposed to be in her hotel room?” She thinks aloud.

Walking outside to find you crumpled up on the ground, Leah gasps in shock, “Oh my God, Monkey!” She crouches down to your level on the ground, too worried now to care that you’re not even in the hotel room like you are supposed to be, “Are you okay?”

“No, it’s… it’s my ankle,” You sob as you clutch a hold of your ankle, the pain feels excruciating, “It… It hurts so much!” You add.

“Wha… What the hell happened?” Leah’s frantic with worry as she tries to see how severe the injury is, “Kyra, quick, go and find someone from the medics team!”

“Uh, s… sure I’m on it,” Kyra mutters, running off to go and find a staff member that is better to help with the situation.

“What’s going on?” Kim wonders, walking out the front of the hotel and furrowing her eyebrows as she sees you on the floor, “What on earth happened? I thought you were supposed to be in your hotel room,” She adds, confused.

“Yeah and that’s what I thought so as well,” Leah murmurs, looking at you with an unamused expression on her face while you wait for Kyra to come back with the medical staff member, “What the hell are you doing outside messing around on a skateboard, eh?” She questions.

“Kyra and I were bored and needed something to do,” You admit through your sobs, the pain only becoming more agonising as time went on, “We snuck out and I brought the skateboard.” 

The blonde’s eyes bulge in disbelief, “Are you kidding me, Monkey? You’re supposed to be grounded, in case you have forgotten, and you’re sneaking out to go to god-knows-where!” She pauses her rant, “Yet again you’re wasting your money on things that you don’t need, seriously, Menace?”

“Leah,” Kim interjects, shaking her head, “Now isn’t the time for that. You can come back and discuss this later on but right now, we need to get Monkey to the hospital!”

“No hospital, I’m not… I’m not going there, nuh uh!” Your fear of hospitals is evident and despite the intense pain, your hell bent on going there, “I’m not goin’ there!”

“It might be needed, my girl,” Leah states, sympathising with how you feel.

“Nuh uh, I’m not going there!” You grit your teeth and shake your head in protest, “You can’t make me either!” You add, trying to stand your own ground.

“Alright, alright. Calm down,” Leah states, wrapping her free around you, “How about we just see what the medic staff say and we can figure it out from there?” She suggests, already knowing the possibility of going to the hospital is more likely but she doesn’t want you to get upset about it. 

“Okay,” You murmur, nodding your head in agreement as you feel some relief there’s no pressure to go to the hospital.

Little do you know that’s not completely true. 

“I heard there’s been an incident,” One of the staff members from the medical team walks over to them with Kyra following behind, “What’s happened here then?”

“Skateboarding mishap,” Kim briefly explains to the member of the medics team who begin to assess the extent of the injury.

“How bad is it?” Leah questions in concern for you as she watches the medic check for signs of a fracture and apply gentle pressure to see how much pain you’re in, “Are we going to need to go to the hospital?”

The medic exhales a sigh and nods slightly, “It looks like it could be a fracture, so I think a trip to the hospital for a full assessment would be beneficial just to be sure,” They pause, “We can look to set up a car to take you there, kid.” She says, speaking directly to you.

You're still sitting crying on the floor and clutching your ankle, “I don’t… I don’t want to go to the hospital!” You wail aloud not caring about making a scene when you’re dead set against the idea of going to the hospital, “I’m not… I’m not going!”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I know you’re not a fan of hospital’s Monkey, but we’ve gotta go,” Leah steps in and comforts you to try and ease your upset, “It’s going to be fine, I’ll be there with you as well.”

“No hospital, please,” You whimper in disagreement.

“Monkey, you need to go there,” Kim chimes in as she places her hand gently on your shoulder, “I know you don’t like it, but you have too, alright? You might have really hurt your ankle.”

“I really don’t want too,” You sob tearfully, continuing to shake your head.

“Monkey, we have to go there and see what the severity of the damage is,” Leah exhales a sigh, all too familiar with your dislike for hospitals, “You’re going there whether you like it or not, alright?” She states, putting her foot down on this.

“Are you sure that we have to be here?” You ask, your voice tinged with a mix of frustration and anxiety.

Kim exhales a sigh and nods, “We do, Monkey.” This isn’t the first time you’ve asked the question in the past hour that you’ve been sitting here with Leah and Kim.

You feel bad that Buddy’s back at the hotel being taken care of by Lia, but you guess hospitals aren’t such a fantastic place for little kids.

You’ve always hated hospitals, the whole sterile smell of them and the beeping of the machines does nothing to calm your nerves. Shifting uncomfortably in the plastic chair, you avoid eye contact with the nurses bustling around.

“I don’t like hospitals,” You’re making it evidently clear how much you detest being here and if you had your way then you’d already be up and running out of the hospital, but the only problem being that you couldn’t even put pressure on your damn ankle at the minute.

You really messed up with this one.

“I know that you do,” Leah sighs, her expression a mix of concern, “I’m sorry, my girl, but we have to be here to get your ankle seen too.” She explains, her tone firm but gentle.

“Why?” You huff in disappointment, slumping further into the chair, “Like seriously, it’s not… It doesn’t even hurt that much now,” You insist as you grit your teeth and try to mask the sharp pain still radiating from your ankle, “It’s totally fine. I can walk on it!” 

With that, you try to stand up, determined to prove your point that you’re fine, that you don’t need to be here in this horrible hospital

“Don’t you dare,” Leah is quick to tell you before you can fully rise, taking a gentle grip of your wrist, “Sit back down.” She says, her voice leaving no room for further argument.

“Fine,” You murmur in response, knowing that she is serious but the familiar tone of voice that you’ve heard before, “I still don’t think this is necessary though.” You add, reluctantly sinking back down into the chair while the pain in your ankle flares up again as you do.

Leah’s own expression softens as wraps her free arm around your shoulder, “Look, I know you hate the idea of being here and I get it, but you need to let the doctor take a look, okay? We’re staying put until they do,” She pauses, “You could be doing some serious damage to it without you knowing otherwise.”

“So mean,” You grumble under your breath, trying to mask your own anxiety and irritation.

Leah snorts softly, amused despite the situation, “Oh, I’m mean for caring about your welfare, huh?”

“Yes, especially when I’m being forced to sit in this place!” You retort, crossing your arms in a huff.

“This is the best thing for you, Monkey,” Kim chimes in, her voice calm and reassuring as the responsible Captain that she is, “There’s no point trying to argue about it.”

“Don’t like it,” You continue to grumble in protest as you sit there stewing in your discomfort, the minutes feel like hours. You fidget, trying to find a comfortable position, but the pain in your ankle makes it impossible.

Finally, a nurse steps into the hospital waiting room and calls out your name, which makes you cringe when you hear it.

“I hate that name,” You murmur in response, glancing at Leah and Kim with a mixture of resignation and dread, “Please don’t make me go in there,” You add, reluctantly getting up with Leah’s help.

“It’s going to be okay, my girl,” Leah reassures you, keeping a steady hand on your back as you make your way down the hallway to the examination room as Kim follows closely behind.

Most likely in case you try and bolt, but there’s no chance of that happening when you can barely walk without aid.

Inside the room, the doctor greets you with a warm smile, “Hi there! I’m Dr. Patel. So, what seems to be the problem?” She questions, her tone gentle as she gestures for you to sit on the examination table.

“Uh, I was using a skateboard and hurt myself on it,” You mutter, wincing as you carefully lower yourself onto the bed.

Dr. Patel takes a few minutes to examine your ankle with practiced hands, gently probing the area to gauge the extent of your injury while you try and do your best to hide your discomfort, but every touch sends a sharp jolt of pain through your leg.

“Okay, I think we’ll need to get an X-ray to see what’s going on in there,” Dr. Patel decides, standing up straight, “It looks like there might be a fracture, but I’ll know for sure once I’ve had a better look.”

You nod, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. The whole idea of a fracture makes your anxiety spike and your grateful Leah’s there to squeeze your shoulder reassuringly.

“It’s okay, my girl,” Leah says softly, giving you a small, encouraging smile.

Kim nods in agreement, “This is just going to make sure we know exactly what’s going on. You’ll be fine, Monkey.”

The nurse leads you to the X-ray room, where you’re instructed to sit on a padded table and position your ankle under the machine. The cold metal of the machine against your skin sends a shiver down your spine, but you try and stay still as you can.

You’re just grateful that the X-ray technician is quick and efficient, and soon enough, your back in the examination room with Dr. Patel and the images are up on the screen, she takes a few minutes to study them carefully before turning back to you with a calm, reassuring expression.

“So, what’s the damage?” You joke, trying to make light of the situation.

“Well, it looks like you have fractured your ankle,” The doctor confirms, pointing to a thin, clear line running across one of the bones in the image, “It’s a clean break, but it’s definitely going to need proper care to heal.”

You bite your bottom lip and stare at the screen as the reality of the situation sinks in, “So, uh, what happens now then?” You ask, your voice small.

“We’ll need to immobilise the ankle to help it heal properly,” Dr. Patel explains, “That means a cast, crutches and some time off your feet as well. You will also need to see a specialist to make sure everything is healing as it should.”

“We’re only in America for another week or two, we’re in the middle of a preseason tour,” Leah chimes in to tell the doctor on your behalf as she takes your welfare seriously, “Is it possible for her to see a specialist when we’re back in London?” She asks.

Dr. Patel nods in agreement with the blonde, “That should be fine, we can provide you with a detailed report and follow up instructions for your specialist back in London,” She pauses, “It’s crucial to have it monitored regularly, but we can set you up with everything you need to manage it in the meantime.”

Leah lets out a sigh of relief but her concern is still evident, “Okay, so what happens tonight then?” She asks, glancing back at the doctor.

Dr. Patel turns to the nurse standing nearby, “We’ll get the cast put on and then we’ll provide you with a pair of crutches to help you get around,” She explains, “We’ll also make sure you’re comfortable and that you have the proper pain relief.

“Cool,” You murmur, not really sure of what else to say about the situation.

As the nurse prepares the materials for the cast, Leah gently takes a hold of your hand, “I know you’re scared, but we’re here– I’m here, okay? It’s going to be okay.”

“Thanks, Mum,” You say quietly, it’s not often you call Leah by that name but you’re feeling somewhat vulnerable right now as the reality of the situation settles in.

The nurse and Dr. Patel both work efficiently together and soon enough, your ankle is encased in a firm plaster cast and they give you an explanation of how to use your crutches along with how to keep the cast dry and safe, something that Leah and Kim both listen to intently.

“How long do I have to keep this on for?” You grumble, staring down at the newfound cast you now have, “This is totally gonna be a buzzkill,” You add.

The doctor gives you a friendly smile, “You’ll need to keep the cast on for six to eight weeks, which should be enough time for the fracture to heal properly.” She explains.

You let out a small groan, clearly not thrilled by the news, “Six to eight weeks? Ugh, are you serious?” You can’t help but react in the way that you do, this all really sucks, “Can I at least train?”

“No, it’s not a good idea to train or do any physical activity that can put stress on the injury which could lead to complications or a prolonged recovery,” Dr. Patel explains with a sympathetic expression, “I recommend avoiding any strenuous activity or exercise until your ankle is healed and you’ve been cleared by a specialist.”

“I know it’s not ideal or what you wanted to hear but it’s going to be fine,” Leah wraps her free arm around your shoulder, “You don’t want to cause more damage by hurting yourself, do you?”

“It might be a bit of a hassle now but the time will pass before you know it,” Kim says in a supportive tone, “It’s going to be okay, Monkey. You’re strong enough to deal with this.”

“And perhaps next time you’ll think twice about mucking about on a skateboard,” Leah says with a teasing smile on her face, “Which we still need to talk about at some point,” She reminds you.

With everything in place, Leah helps you to carefully maneuver on the crutches although you feel like Bambi on ice currently with the way you’re hobbling on them.

It’s only when you leave the hospital with the two of them that the true reality of your injury begins to sink in. You’re going to be sitting on the sidelines for at least the next few months and that is a harsh pill to swallow.

“You’re back!” Kyra spots you hobbling through the hotel lobby with Leah and Kim from where she’s sat with Alessia, “Yikes, a cast and crutches? You must’ve properly messed it up then.”

“Yeah, I’m stuck in this thing for at least six weeks,” You huff dramatically, not exactly thrilled about the idea.

“I’ll go and update Jonas and the rest of the staff on the situation,” Kim tells Leah before she heads off in that direction to find your coach, “I’ll come find you both in a bit to check in on the menace.”

Alessia smiles sympathetically at you, “I guess you won’t be using your skateboard anytime soon then, huh?” She jokes.

“No, she definitely won’t be,” Leah interjects, her tone firm as she gives you a pointed look, “Come on, let’s get you up to my hotel room. You need to keep off that ankle and rest, you heard what the doctor said.”

“Why can’t I just go to my own room?” You ask confused, a touch of frustration creeping into your voice.

“Monkey, you’re on crutches and in a cast,” Leah says gently, but firmly, “It’s not exactly a good idea for you to be on your own right now, and this way I can help you.”

“So I’m being babysat, that’s just fantastic,” You mutter, trying to hide your annoyance.

“Call it what you want, but I’m just looking out for you,” Leah replies, her expression softening, “Come on, let’s get you settled in. You can catch up with your partner in crime later.”

“What about Buddy?” You wonder about the whereabouts of your favourite little buddy.

“I already texted Wally on the way back and she’s going to bring her back once we’re settled,” Leah tells you, waving off the girls as the two of you head in the direction of the lift while Kim goes to update Jonas and the rest of the staff on the situation, “I have no doubt she’ll want to draw on your cast as well.”

“Probably,” You agree, shrugging your shoulders.

“And in the meantime, we’re going to talk about this whole mishap,” Leah gestures towards your cast, reminding you of how it happened in the first place.

The prospect of this conversation makes your stomach churn, but you couldn’t really escape it.

Once in Leah’s hotel room, she helps you get comfortable on the bed and arranges some pillows to prop up your leg before she makes everything that you need– pain medication, snacks and plenty of entertainment.

“I know this sucks, but it won’t be forever,” Leah says, settling on the bed beside you, “Now, on a serious note, we need to have that conversation, don’t we?”

The words make your stomach flip in anxiousness, “I… I know it was dumb,” You begin to say.

“It wasn’t just dumb, it was incredibly stupid– What’re you thinking of sneaking out of the hotel, eh? What if something serious happened, or you got hurt? I wouldn’t know where you are!” Leah’s on a full blown rant, making you see the seriousness of things despite you thinking it was a bit of fun, “Regardless of that, you’re meant to be grounded as well. Did you think I was joking about that or something?”

You feel a pang of guilt inside you and nod slowly, “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t think about it properly,” You admit to her, your voice barely above a whisper.

Leah’s gaze softens as she gently brushes a strand of hair from your face, “I love you so much, my girl and it would break my heart if something happened to you in a place you’re not familiar with,” She says with a mix of tenderness and firmness, “And just so we’re clear, you’re most definitely still grounded. Ankle fracture or not.”

“Guess I saw that one coming,” You murmur in response, feeling the sudden exhaustion of the pain meds taking their toll, “I know you’re wanting to have this conversation now and all, but I’m super wiped. So… to be continued?”

“Fine,” Leah reluctantly agrees, seeing the way that your eyes are starting to droop and she takes pity on you, “We’ll talk about this later on.”

The conversation is put on halt and you're grateful as you feel the full effect of the pain meds, and before you know it you’re drifting off to sleep.

It’s only a soft knock on the door that rouses Leah, who opens it to find Buddy standing there with Kim, though the blonde is slightly confused as she thought it was Lia who was bringing Buddy back.

“Mummy!” Buddy’s little arms reach up eagerly to be picked up, “I missed ‘ou so much!” She says, affectionately. 

“Oh my little bubba,” Leah bends down to scoop Buddy into a gentle hug, keeping her voice quiet to avoid waking you up, “I missed you too. Did you have fun hanging out with Auntie Wally?”

“Uh huh!” Buddy nods enthusiastically, “Where’s Monkey?”

“She’s right over there, but we need to be very quiet because Monkey’s sleeping,” Leah points gently to your sleeping form on the bed, her voice soft and soothing, “She’s got an ouchie now so we need to be extra careful around her.”

Buddy’s little face scrunches up in concern as her brows knit together, “She’s got an ouchie?”

“Yeah she has, so we’ve got to use our gentle hands,” Leah nods in response, “Can you do that for me, bubba?”

“You got it dude,” Buddy replies, sticking her thumb up as she begins to carefully make her way over to the bed, clambering up onto it beside you as she eyes you with worry, “Love ‘ou, Monkey.” She whispers softly, snuggling close and resting her head gently on your chest while you remain peacefully asleep.

Leah’s heart melts as she watches the two of you as she steps aside to let Kim into the hotel, “I thought Wally was supposed to bring Buddy back?” She asks, confused.

“I stopped by her room and offered instead, I thought it would give me the chance to check in and see how things are as well,” Kim explains, “I’ve updated Jonas about the situation and they’re going to release a statement for the upcoming game against Chelsea.”

“Thanks, Kim,” Leah thanks the Scots woman.

“How’s she doing?” Kim asks softly, looking over at you with concern.

Leah walks over to the bed and carefully adjusts the pillows to make sure you’re comfortable while keeping a watchful eye on Buddy, “Well the pain meds made her tired so we put the conversation about the skateboard on hold,” She pauses, “The main thing now is to make sure she gets better and doesn’t do anything to jeopardise hurting herself in the meantime.”

“You’re doing an amazing job, Le, so just keep doing what you’re doing,” Kim nods sympathetically, “Co-captains, more like co-parenting instead, huh?” She jokes with the blonde.

“Well Jordan can’t be here so I guess you’ve got to step up and take on the responsibility as well,” Leah jokes with the captain.

Kim snorts and shakes her head, “No chance, you’re here this time unlike in Melbourne, she's completely your problem this round,” She declares to the blonde, “I’ll let you to take care of both the girls, but if you need me then don’t be afraid to text and ask for help.”

“Thanks, Kim,” Leah says grateful for the woman as she guides her back out of the hotel room, “Auntie Kimmy’s going now Buddy. You want to come say bye?”

Buddy scrambles off the bed and rushes towards the older woman flinging her arms around her legs, “Bye, Auntie Kimmy!”

“Bye, Buddy. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kim crouches down to the toddler's level and embraces her in a warm hug, “Be good for your Mummy and help her to look after Monkey as well.”

“I’ll be the best helper!” Buddy insists with a somewhat firm look to show how serious she was before she turns to Leah, “Mummy, can I drop on her cast?” She asks.

Leah can’t help but laugh knowingly, “How about we get you in the bath first and then afterwards you can, huh?”

“Yeah!” Buddy replies in agreement, eager to have a bath so you can come back and draw pretty pictures on her cast.

“Sounds like fun,” Kim jokes, giving Leah a final encouraging nod before she slips out of the room.

Leah watches the door close behind Kim before she turns her attention back to Buddy, who’s practically vibrating with excitement, “Alright, my little bubba. It’s bath time!” She announces cheerfully, gesturing towards the bathroom.

Buddy doesn’t need to be twice before she scampers ahead of Leah as she chatters animatedly about what she’s going to draw on Monkey’s cast. The blonde smiles as she listens to her while she runs the bath, the warmth of Buddy’s enthusiasm filling her heart and providing a much-needed sense of normalcy amid the chaos of the day.

“I’m sure that Monkey will absolutely love whatever you draw on her cast,” Leah tells Buddy, watching her daughter’s eyes light up even more at the thought, “Right, in you go then, bubba,” Helping her into the bath, the little girl immediately starts splashing around with her bath toys that she insisted on bringing from home.

Leah’s pretty sure if Buddy could have brought every single one then she would have done, but she had to draw the line somewhere, besides there was definitely not enough room in the suitcase for them.

“Mummy?” Buddy asks, her voice full of curiosity as she plays with a floating duck, “When is Monkey gonna wake up?”

Leah glances back towards the bed where you’re still fast asleep, “Soon, bubba. Monkey just needs to rest a bit longer because of her ouchie. She’s been through a lot today.” She explains gently.

As Leah’s in the middle of giving Buddy a bath, she doesn’t notice you slowly waking up on the bed. You crack one eye open, just enough to see what’s going on and spot Leah and Buddy busy in the bathroom. That's when a mischievous idea pops into your head and you quickly shut your eyes again, deciding to play along and pretend to be asleep.

Buddy nods, seemingly satisfied with the answer as Leah quickly finishes bathing Buddy before she lifts her out and wraps her in a fluffy towel.

“There we go, all squeaky clean!” Leah says, playfully ruffling Buddy’s damp hair as she dries her off.

Buddy giggles, snuggling into the warmth of the towel, “Now can I draw on Monkey’s cast?” She asks, her eyes wide with anticipation.

“How about first we get you into your jammies,” Leah suggests, leading her back to the room, “Then you can doodle on Monkey’s cast.”

“Yeah!” Buddy squeals excitedly, allowing Leah to help her into her pyjamas before she races over to your side, ready to start drawing on your cast, “Can I wake her up?”

Leah glances over at you, still completely unaware that you’re awake, “Sure, but be gentle, okay?” She says softly, returning to the bathroom to tidy up.

“I can do that, Mummy!” Buddy nods seriously before she climbs up onto the bed beside you, trying to be as gentle as possible. Just as she’s about to nudge you awake, you suddenly let out a playful growl and open your eyes, making Buddy screech and jump back in surprise.

“Roar!” You shout, reaching out to tickle her sides the best you can with the cast on your foot.

“Ah, Monkey!” Buddy squeals with laughter, throwing her little arms around you in a tight hug. “Mummy said you got an ouchie!”

“I do have an ouchie,” You murmur, reminded of the whole incident earlier today which now left you in the situation that you’re in, “So now I’m stuck in this cast, but you know what might help me feel better?”

“What?” Buddy questions, her eyes wide with curiosity.

“If you draw some of your pretty pictures on it,” You suggest with a grin.

Leah steps out of the bathroom, drying her hands on a towel as she notices you're now awake with Buddy nestled against you, “Hey sleepy head. Have a nice nap?” She teases as she walks over to the bed, “I didn’t think those pain meds would knock you out so quickly.”

You laugh faintly, “Yeah they knocked me right out, they’re fantastic to help with my sleep issues. Where were those when I couldn’t sleep the other month?” You joke with the blonde as you see the unimpressed expression on her face, “What? Dark humour makes everything better.”

Leah clicks her tongue in disapproval, “Now is not the time for them kind of jokes, Monkey.”

“When is it then? Cos’ I’m fed up with this cast already,” You grumble in annoyance, poking at the bulky thing on your foot, “Seriously, six weeks? I’m gonna die! Literally, there’s nothing for me to do now!”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Leah rolls her eyes at your dramatics as she sits on the edge of the bed, “You’re lucky that you’ve got this little artist to keep you entertained at least.”

“I’m gonna make the cast pretty,” Buddy announces with determination, holding out her hand for more colours, “Mummy, I need all the colours!

“Here you go, bubba,” Leah hands over a handful of markers to the 3 year old, starting to doodle on your cast to make it that bit brighter and colourful, “Wow, that looks great already. You know, I think this might be the most colourful cast I’ve seen.” She comments, reaching out to gently brush a strand of Buddy’s hair behind her ear.

“Colourful, Mummy!” Buddy beams a wide smile, glancing at Leah with wide eyes.

“It’s certainly something,” You remark, peering at the masterpiece that your favourite little buddy is creating, “Best leave some room for other people to sign it, Buddy.” You joke, playfully.

“Okay!” Buddy giggles in agreement, continuing with her colourful masterpiece as you watch her with a fond smile, “Make you happy, Monkey!”

“It does make me happy, Buddy,” You nod in agreement and smile softly at the little girl sitting beside you, sticking her little tongue out as she puts her whole focus on the artwork.

Maybe this several weeks wouldn’t be so bad if you have your favourite little buddy to cheer you up after all?

© scribblesofagoonerr

[lordofdestructionm]

Reading Mordecai Heller as a repressed gay man

The tragic attraction

This is a full post based on my response to a great analysis by @sedgewick-gayble

Let me start by saying that if you read Mordecai as being totally asexual/aromantic and any affection he has for other characters to be entirely platonic that is entirely valid and I respect that

However as this response by Tracy makes clear on the topic of fans reading Mordecai as gay there is an intentional ambiguity about it. Being 28 at the time of the main story his "lifestyle is certainly asexual" up to this point, yet "being ace and being gay are not mutually exclusive things" and people sometimes "don't know themselves or understand their own motivations all that well"

This leaves the possibility open that Mordecai is actively repressing his natural desires and feelings

Mordecai's early life didn't exactly provide much time or opportunity for "self discovery", even by the usual standards of the less than tolerant and understanding world of the early 20th century

Being born into an impoverished family and having his father die very early in his life leaving him and his Mother and two younger sisters in dire straits, Mordecai had to get to work and assume adult responsibilities pretty damn early.

As Tracy says "selling newspapers wasn't going to cut it" and so using his natural talent with numbers Mordecai starts bookkeeping for the mob. Is it any wonder someone with that background would develop such a serious and rigidly buttoned up demeanour?

Since being forced to abandon his mother and two sisters at the start of the 1920s and flee New York, being picked up by Atlas's due to his habit of collecting useful strays, Mordecai had very few people he was close to in St Louis. With his generally anti-social personality and not only lack of interest but discomfort with any sort of flirting or romantic entanglements, that would be unlikely to change

Side note: Probaby coincidence but

There are only two people who seem to make it onto that exclusive list of people that "count" for Mordecai, who he cares about and are able to bring things to the surface he would normally keep hidden

Atlas to Mordecai is not just an employer, he is the man who saved his life, the man who moulded a desperate fearful shabby young stray into the sharp professional he is today, who took him under his wing and made him his protege. Filling the empty space his father left in his life. His grief and desperate hunt for those responsible for his death are his big motivation (the strain of which is slowly tearing him apart)

That connection is undertsandable

Much more surprising on the surface is the bond with the partner Atlas teamed him up with soon after his arrival, Viktor Vasko.

The assumption at the start would have been that while their skill sets might compliment each other in the field there would have been no warmth in their dynamic.

Certainly not on Mordecai's part as Viktor appears to be a sum total of many things Mordecai hates. Viktor is unshaven, relatively casual in his attire, speaks a broken English, and hates people chattering or “noise, noise, noise” as he calls it. Clashing hard with his obsession with good grooming, high quality tailoring, correct grammar etc. Indeed Mordecai doesn't hesitate to nag/criticize Viktor for these things

Yet at the same time Mordecai has far better chemistry with Viktor than with anyone else, able to banter and bicker with him in a way you rarely if ever see with others

Its why when he gets tailored clothes for the first time Viktor is the first person he wants to show off too. Its why the one time he is intoxicated Viktor (and his large physique) are his chosen topic of converation. Its why at Christmas/Hanuhhah he gives him the gift of a tie while claiming its just because of the big guys poor fashion sense and that its "embarassing to be seen with him" (even that justification makes him sound like a nagging girlfriend)

A smaller detail is that during their iconic chess playing in the side content, set during their days staking out the remote town of Defiance, Viktor is shown very casually winning the game much to Mordecai's visible distress

This is hilarious but could also be taken as a metaphor for Viktor (possibly without even realizing it) breaking through his defensive emotional barriers

Something Mordecai doesn't know how to handle or respond to

The animated short only adds fuel to the fire

During their dispute over strategy Mordecai moves his face so close to Viktors that he almost knocks his cap off his head. His eyes at one point even dart down towards his mouth

Sharp eyed Vikdecai fans have also noted that Mordecai seems on some level to want the two of them to match

The tie being the same colour could simpy be Mordecai giving Viktor one of his own ties because its a joke gift and he just grabbed it on a whim to tease Viktor about his poor fashion choices

But think about the matching suits at the New Years party for 1926

I mean, seriously, not only is it the exact same style of suit in the same blue-grey colour distinct from everyone else, but they are standing in the perfect spots to be symmetrical to each other. Something that we all know means a lot to this compulsive man

Mordecai must have known there was going to be a big group photo ahead of time and then carefully planned this

Got matching suits made to his and Viktors measurements

Then most impressively convinced/nagged Viktor into cooperating (he may have taken off the tie and rolled up the sleeves but hey him playing along at all is quite a compromise from Viktor "I hate dressing up" Vasko)

Mordecai is intent on making Viktor retire and get out of danger, and avoid a situation where he gets sent to kill him by Marigold because he knows he could NOT do it, and his cover and investigation into Atlas's death would be over

He is horrified that Viktor is still working at Lackadaisy (though he again has to hide how much he cares) and that he has gotten not only hurt again but hurt by Mordecai again (albeit this time indirectly by stealing the guns)

Can this be read as simply platonic comradere? Absolutely

But there is something so *intense* in the fact he was willing to resort to kneecapping him. Its an extreme and desperate act that could only result from intense emotions, seemingly out of character for someone who tries very hard to appear logical and controlled.

While Vikdecai is a very fun ship when imagining them as an actual bickering married couple, I have often said that a tragic one-sided on Mordecai's part version of Vikdecai is the one that fits closest and surprisingly well into the canon.

His nagging and complaining about Viktor in that context take on a Tsundere aspect, both to protect himself from being found out and maybe even try and convince himself the uncomfortable alien feelings aren't there. He not only doesn't want others looking too hard at his feeling he doesn't want to examine them himself all that much

There is a heartbreaking but appealing angst to the idea of this extremely repressed man having such feelings for the first time in his life for his straight best friend and NOT knowing how to handle that. Having to perform the balancing act of being around him so much as his partner but being painfully aware that he can't let anyone catch on, especially not Viktor himself, as it would likely destroy his bond with the only person in town other than Atlas he is close to.

Though tragically he did that anyway later via the kneecapping, which while about trying to keep Viktor safe, he may now looking back try and tell himself its actually somehow "better" for Viktor to hate him for that

Because the big guy now wrongly thinks the feeling is mutual and that Mordecai never really cared about him, which may be better than (what Mordecai assumes would be) disgust at his partners doomed more than platonic feelings

Because he sees those feelings and his situation as a sad perfectly structured joke life has played on him