#the phan proof is like. everything else about them

[antiadvil]

Ok final decision: definitely intertwined

If their hands were cupped I would expect the back of Dan's hand to be facing more towards the camera and his wrist to be less bent. He could be holding his hand in a weird position, but if their hands were cupped, that would force Phil's hand to be more sideways, but his fingers wrap around Dan's hand from the bottom, not the side.

TLDR: if their hands were cupped then their fingers would have to point in different directions at a right angle. But their fingers both point downwards, so their fingers are intertwined.

Okay but have we decided if their hands are cupped or if their fingers are intertwined.

[softpine]

brandi ik this sounds crazy but its abt dan and phil and ur the only person i could ask abt this but have they ever like explicitly said they were together? im like firmly on they are besties until they out their mouths say they are together or anything. and ppl are like "oh they live together and are gay" but i'd live w my bff we are gay too ?? i feel like a larry if i start speculating. i watch them but im not in tge fandom so im not well versed in phan lore SORRY IF THIS IS CRAZYDHDISISJSJ

this is your phan correspondent clocking in 🫡

i love answering this question because NO ONE is doing it like dan and phil 😌 there are people who think they never dated, who think they're exes, who think they're married, who think they're queer platonic partners, who think they're monogamous, who think they're polyamorous, who think they're something in between, and the best part is that dan and phil will probably never give us an outright answer because they loooove a bit of mystery.. it's like a game to them. it's all the will-they-won't-they fun of being queerbaited except they're actually queer. it's great

but they AT LEAST dated in 2009 because in dan's coming out video he says this about phil:

so one has to believe:

A) they dated for a few months 15 years ago and then broke up, but proceeded to: move in together (and have continued to live together ever since, despite moving to multiple places where they'd have every opportunity to live alone), merge their careers together in such a way that they become nearly inseparable, share friends and family as their own (phil's niece calls dan uncle dan...), travel the world together, share a bed for months on their tour bus (not speculation, they confirmed that one recently), designed and built a house for themselves which they share a mortgage on, have never dated anyone else since 2009, and to me this is the most compelling one, they've supported each other through numerous medical emergencies and chronic health problems. and that they did all of that as EXES....

or

B) they've been together for 15 years

i won't tell you what to believe (and i think the exes theory is beyond hilarious so i'll never be mad about it) but one option is objectively more likely than the other lmao

at the end of the day, i think "more than just romantic" is still the best way to describe their relationship. they're best friends in every sense of the word, and their friendship clearly takes precedence for them in everything they do. they really found their person and they make me believe in love every day and it's GROSS it's disgusting i hate it 😐

i didn't bring up anything related to a certain video posted on a certain holiday but i'm sure you've already heard of it if you're even mildly engaged with dan and phil stuff. i hate to include it as "proof" because it was actually just a traumatic outing and invasion of their privacy, and even without it, we have enough of their own words (words that were actually meant for us to hear) to draw our own conclusions! just thought i'd give that disclaimer

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

*sigh*

about the whole ‘do not ship real people. ever’ argument i’m gonna HAVE to say my piece on it and then i’m gonna shut up forever because i’ve heard it ALL and i just have to get all my thoughts out there even if no one reads them

i don’t know how else to explain i have never once ‘shipped’ something ever in my whole life. i have merely perceived and enthused over what EXISTS. like, correct me if i’m wrong, but....what would you ever get out of shipping two people who AREN’T actually together??? what is the point? you don’t get anything out of that; i mean, it sounds pretty exhausting and sad to look for proof where there is none. and they don’t get anything out of that. THAT is where it absolutely becomes gross and creepy and i have no respect for rps like that. septiplier is a PRIME example, where both people involved have gone on the record saying it destroys relationships because of course it does! why don’t people have any common sense! which is why my rule is to never let myself ‘ship’ something unless they are indisputably an item, and THAT’S where the cardinal rule of ‘don’t ship real people’ gets fuzzy.

i have been around the block in terms of rps HEAVILY with dan and phil. i have also engaged in a small way with joey and lauren(richpez) and reeve carney and eva noblezada from hadestown.(i have been correct in my assumptions[that they are in fact together] all three times so.....yeah, i kind of know what i’m on about) and from my well-versed experience, the essence and entertainment factor of rps is kind of the whole investigative nature? we become body language analysts and experts and stories resurface as do old tweets that when you put everything together, the natural conclusion(that yeah duh they’re obviously dating) would be super hard to ignore. and here is my thesis: shipping real people is fine as long as, 1. you have REALLY good reason to believe they are in fact in a relationship, to a point where it’s undeniable and 2. the speculation stays ONLINE, AWAY FROM THE PARTIES INVOLVED. both of these two coinciding statements have to be true for me to get behind it in any way.

anytime one of those rules are broken is when things get SUPER messy, and SUPER harmful SUPER fast. i’m gonna use dan and phil as an example again because i know what happened there the best. i’ve heard countless stories of people going right up to dan and asking who tops and who bottoms. there have been more than one instance of people going to meet and greets purely to corner them both and ask if they’re in a relationship. and props to dan and phil for putting themselves out there and risking...you know, those kind of interactions. because what the actual fuck. and yes, dan and phil are together, have been since 2009(and if you disagree i literally do not know how to explain that you are both blind and being willfully heteronormative), but that doesn’t give anyone the right to play an active part in it. witness it, sure. speculate with like minded individuals on tumblr? of course. but when you cross lines, and you KNOW you’re crossing lines..that is super, super uncomfortable for everyone involved. i do not disagree that that sort of thing is seriously stupid and harmful, which dan also confirmed in his coming out video that that sort of thing quite literally scarred him for life. just imagine how dehumanizing it would be, for people to perceive you as, not a person, but one half of a ship on the internet? and to feel entitled enough as to literally ask them about them it? gross. creepy. weird. 

BUT! youtube clip analysis posts on tumblr is NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING DISRESPECTUL. honestly, any posting on tumblr(again! AWAY from the parties involved) is NOT THE SAME THING. talking about them in youtube or tiktok comment sections, not the same thing. and i’m talking about specific ships here, LIKE cockles, because they are what prompted this post from me. 

i am not saying you have to agree with those type of posts, but like...just leave them alone? maybe? and if you call me crazy, i’m gonna laugh at you, because i know what i’m talking about and i could blow your mind.

to go even further, and i’ll use my two comfort couples as examples: on some level(WITH COUPLES THAT ACTUALLY EXIST), they probably, definitely appreciate being shipped. think about it. not the invasive aspects of it, like asking about what they do in private and investigating their addresses so you could maybe stalk them(which has happened and i think larry stylinson got it worse? i’m avoiding that whole thing because it sounds like an otherworldly mess). i’m talking the best part of it, which is seeing and sharing clips of them looking at each other and saying ‘they look so in love here’. both of my couples have terms coined after these types of things...’heart eyes howell’ ‘love eyes lester’ and the ‘unicorn laugh’ all come to mind.(misha doesn’t have a term but boy does he have the expressions) i mean, if you were in a relationship, and people saw how happy you were, and just like, basked in that happiness online, that’s kind of beautiful, no? i would want that. 

and about my actual post where people are like ‘go outside. stop shipping real people this is crazy’ ...does my posting about an interview answer jensen gave in 2016 seriously hurt anyone in any way? really? maybe,,,,don’t interact with posts that aren’t to your own personal taste? again, jensen literally SAID THOSE THINGS. jensen and misha SAY CRAZY THINGS LIKE THAT. they SHARE ANNIVERSARY POSTS. THEY MAKE JOKES ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX 24/7. THEY ARE PUTTING A GUN TO OUR HEADS AND FORCING US TO WITNESS THEM. jensen SAID that answer because that’s the furthest he can go without completely outing himself as a bi, poly man and i’m simply seeing that and reacting to it, just like he wants me to. i don’t feel wrong or weird for any analysis posts when it comes to them because they are actively egging us on and actually do want us to know. so. 

i guess i’m ranting because i resent being called, like, a crazy shipper fangirl or something. i am not crazy. or stupid. and i have a brain and would never cross any lines. and maybe consider why ships like cockles and phan gained so much traction in the first place. maybe consider we’re not reaching and never have been. on that note, maybe consider why DESTIEL gained so much traction when tptb never intended for it to happen. ...

[twilightknight17]

Today on P5S, we’re taking a nice relaxing dip in the hot sprin--

Fukuoka, Kyushu! The plan was to keep going straight through to Kyoto, but Makoto was hurting from all the driving, so we pulled over with the intention of spending the night in a proper hotel and having a good meal. Which, of course, means ramen, because we gotta try the local ramen in each place. ^_^

Even Morgana wanted to try, though he requested that Akira blow on it, first, because “feline tongues are sensitive.”

The plan was to stay in Fukuoka until Makoto was feeling better, but Zenkichi called and basically said we had to get to Kyoto right away. So after a night of sleep, we got up the next morning, and we finally learned why Haru hasn’t been driving, despite having her license.

My wife has a lead foot.

Apparently no one but Joker and Queen ever drove the Mona Bus, because everyone but Makoto seemed extremely surprised.

Supposedly it was eight hours to Kyoto. We were there by noon.

Anyway, this old bar is apparently Zenkichi’s safe house, if anything ever goes wrong on an investigation.

He’s tracked the list of names that we found in the lab back to a politician called Jyun Owada, who was apparently a Shido supporter. This guy would benefit from changes of heart, and one of his supporters is the CEO of Madicce, Mr. Akira Konoe. They determine that Owada wouldn’t have a Jail himself, but that he’s probably getting Konoe to influence people for him. Which means that, since Sophia sensed a Jail in Osaka (that we missed because we were all screaming at Haru’s driving), it’s most likely that Konoe is a Monarch.

So my dart hit the board, I just gotta see how close to the bullseye.

Zenkichi heads to Osaka for a meeting with Konoe to try to get his keyword, and convinces the kids to stay behind. They need to rest and recover so they can be at their best for the Jail. Plus, he’s put them up in the nicest hotel in Kyoto! Which means it’s time to go to the hot springs!

The boys are having a lovely time relaxing. Even Morgana’s chilling on a rock with his tail in the water, basking in the chance to really unwind.

.......Atlus. We need to have words.

Not only was this absolutely unnecessary...

It’s the exact same scenario as P3. We’re even in the same goddamn city. If I thought Gekkoukan would be willing to spend 40K per person a night, it might as well be the same hotel.

Apparently, the boys went in right before the time switched over, and didn’t realize. And now, once again, they’re up for an unjust execution. At least Yosuke and Teddie were actually peeping in P4.

Personally, I think a better plan would have been to start yelling, “Who’s there?” as soon as the girls came in. Sneaking just makes it look like you’re up to something nefarious. It was an honest mistake. And really, trying to get out without causing a scene isn’t a heinous crime.

We don’t see who knocked over the thing that got them caught, but they do get caught. There’s no gameplay here. Defeat is inevitable. And...

The girls jump immediately to accusing them of being perverts. Never mind that they’re wet because they just got out of the damn hot spring. And the boys try to explain. They try their best. They explain that they didn’t realize the time had switched. They explain that they’d gotten locked in without noticing, because the men’s side doors lock when it switches over. “It was an accident,” Akira says, plaintively.

And Makoto looks at these boys that she’s fought alongside for over a year. The ones who risked their lives to save her and everyone more than once. The teammates that she stood beside as they shot a god and saved the entire damn world. The ones who, on this very roadtrip, stepped in to defend Haru from Natsume being a harassing jackass... And she says...

She sounds actually angry.

And she beats them up.

For an honest mistake.

I know this is a trope, but in this particular instance, it’s stupid, and it feels incredibly out of character. None of the boys deserve this, but Akira least of all. He’s your goddamn leader; he’s done more for any of you than anyone else. He’s been falsely accused of shit over and over, and now he has to deal with it from his own teammates?

For shame, Atlus. Shitty writing, especially because this event is never going to be brought up again. Was this supposed to be funny? Because in this situation, it wasn’t at all.

...now that I’m done being cranky, let’s go check how Zenkichi’s meeting in Osaka is going.

Hm. Nowhere, apparently, because Konoe’s gone for the day. Weird. Zenkichi had an appointment and everything.

Now let’s check on... well fuck.

Commissioner Kaburagi, Zenkichi’s boss, is summoned by the commissioner general and the previously mentioned Owada. This asshole is claiming to have evidence that the Phantom Thieves are behind all the changes of heart. They hacked into EMMA!

You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve, when you’re the one behind this.

.......maybe this lady is better than I thought.

She says that there’s not enough proof, and that they need to look into things more. The commissioner general counters that the Thieves are going to be tried for murder. Because apparently they killed that poor man at the Okinawa facility after they learned how to get into EMMA.

Kaburagi knows this is bullshit and wants to investigate more, but they basically tell her to do it or else. And promise that she’ll be commissioner general one day. After the current commissioner general launches his political career with the capture of the Phantom Thieves, of course. And she’s just going to follow orders. Never mind. God. I didn’t misjudge her at all.

Konoe goes on TV and announces that they’re shutting down EMMA temporarily, because the Phantom Thieves hacked it and stole personal information. He also informs everyone that they murdered one of his employees. Zenkichi and I had the same reaction, which was “WHAT?!”

Look at this asshole.

Zenkichi realizes what’s going to happen and takes off for Kyoto. Cut to that night, where there’s an entire fucking squad of police outside of the hotel in riot gear. For seven teenagers. Zenkichi shows up and basically pleads with Kaburagi to stop and think, because the real mastermind is still out there.

Kaburagi snaps back with, “You mean like with your wife?” and Zenkichi shuts up. Low blow, lady. She also points out that he seems very attached to criminals.

Before Kaburagi can have the police storm the place, Zenkichi yells for the kids to run, and gets arrested for it. The kids make it to the safe house, but when they find out about the arrest, they want to go after him. They end up agreeing to let Makoto handle that, and then we get a look at King Asshole himself.

I hate how nice this man’s office is.

And I’m kind of afraid of EMMA.

Good luck with that, though. You’d have to break them first; you can’t change the heart of someone stable enough to have a persona. Not that this fuck would know that.

God, he’s like if Shido and Maruki had a fucked-up kid. He wants his own personal team capable of entering the metaverse and changing people, to make the world “better”. Holy fuck.

Somehow I don’t think you’re the one in the right, when you’re talking about making us a “sacrifice to bring about [your] new world order.”

So the next day, the Thieves get a text from Akane’s phone number, that basically says she’s been kidnapped. It’s clearly a trap, but they all agree that they have to go. According to the text, if they want her back, they need to come to Inari Taisha.

Also known as Fushimi Inari, the largest Inari Shrine in Japan. I’ve been there.

I have literally been right there. I have a picture:

And so the kids head into a Jail based on Fushimi Inari where the keyword is “Phantom Thieves”, and I try not to explode from sheer glee because oh boy I thought I’d have to wait a lot longer for this and also I didn’t expect it to be somewhere I know.

Eeeeeeeee~

They find Akane tied up and all go running towards her. Futaba trips, and before she can catch up, a huge cage snatches up the rest of them, because surprise, the Jail Monarch is Akane, and she’s absolutely ready to lord it over them.

Meanwhile, Zenkichi is getting beaten up in interrogation and taking it like a champ.

But it’s okay, because Makoto called in a favor. <3

Futaba managed to get back to the safe house, and Zenkichi met up with her there after Sae got him released.

So you know that bit in P5 where the phan-site poll hits 100% belief and we summoned a demon the size of a skyscraper? That’s Zenkichi right now, except he’s hitting Maximum Dad Energy and I’m pretty sure he’s going to summon his persona.

There’s a cool stealth sequence where you have to sneak by a bunch of shadows, because Zenkichi doesn’t have a persona. Futaba runs navigation for him, but it’s so funny because he... sneaks like a regular person. He doesn’t leap into cover with superhuman speeds.

It might have been cool to play Zenkichi With A Gun, but stealth mode was fun, too. XD

And then the confrontation with Akane. She gives the Thieves a choice of who wants their heart changed first, but before anyone can stupidly volunteer, Zenkichi shows up, and a few more things get revealed. Most importantly, the fact that Owada is the one who killed Zenkichi’s wife, and Zenkichi got death threats directed at Akane if he didn’t stop investigating. No fucking wonder he couldn’t solve the case. But Akane is too disillusioned to listen, because she doesn’t understand. And Zenkichi is forced to confront that at some point, he compromised his morals, telling himself he was doing it for Akane.

This line wasn’t sung, but I kind of wish it was, considering who his persona is. :P

Zenkichi admits that he might have been wrong. But he was doing it to protect the only family he had left.

“But at least I know what makes a person evil. Evil only cares about itself. It’s the mark of a man who would bring another to ruin and dare not show remorse.”

And his awakening was badass.

Shitty picture, but his literal shadow had glowing eyes while it was forming the contract. It was so cool. :D

Wolf is awesome. After beating up a whole hoard of shadows by himself, Akane got away, the Thieves were freed, and we all went back to the safe house to rest. And I swear, you take a nap for one hour, and cannot get any peace. XDDD

Thank you, darling. Now I gotta figure out what deck that’s from.

So that was today. Technically I only played for like...2 and a half hours?? But god, we hit the hot springs and everything just flung itself directly off a cliff and all I could do was hold on.

I have so many thoughts about things!!! But I need to see more first. But this has been fantastic overall.

[antiadvil]

Celebrity Dating Life Hacks

summary: An interviewer asks some awkward questions about what it’s like to date as a public figure.

rating: G

wc: ~800

read more or on ao3

“So, dating as a celebrity,” the interviewer said, and Phil froze. “That must be hard.”

“I, uh,” Phil stuttered, looking at Dan, who was tight lipped, fingers whitening around his microphone. Dan glared at him, and Phil quickly looked away again. He cursed at himself. This video clip was going to end up in a million phan proof compilations, and the longer he took to answer, the worse it got.

“It’s certainly an experience,” he managed.

“It’s really hard keeping things private,” Dan interrupted.

Phil hoped the interviewer would notice the heavy emphasis Dan put on the latter half of the sentence, but no such luck. She steamrolled on ahead. “Oh really? How?”

“People feel entitled to information about our personal lives,” Phil explained, trying not to wince after accidentally saying “our.”

The interviewer really didn’t seem to be getting the hint. “So you’ve had issues in relationships before, with your fans wanting to know exactly what’s going on and you not wanting to give them that?”

“Yes,” he said. Also creepy interviewers for mid-tier YouTube channels, he wanted to add, but he didn’t.

She nodded, her brow creased in sympathy. “So how do you handle that?”

“Well, it’s something you have to be up front about,” Dan interrupted.

Phil nodded and smiled, gritting his teeth. He thought he and Dan had agreed to minimal outright lying about their relationship, but he apparently thought wrong. “Like everything else in relationships, it’s really about communication,” he added, hoping his smile didn’t look like a grimace.

Dan rolled his eyes. Phil shot him a glare. The interviewer continued on obliviously. “Well, that’s good to hear!” she said. “Unfortunately, it looks like we’re almost out of time, but it was really great to get to know you two.”

Phil relaxed, noticing the way Dan’s shoulders dropped too. “It was great to meet you too,” he said.

“God,” Dan said when they were lying in bed that night. “That interview was a disaster.”

“Yeah,” Phil said coldly. “It was.”

Dan frowned, pulling back a bit so he could see Phil’s face. “Are you mad at me?”

Phil sighed, sitting up. “I don’t know, Dan. What do you think?”

“Hey.” Dan placed a hand on Phil’s arm. “That��s not fair. I asked for a reason.”

“Sorry,” Phil muttered. “I don’t know, today at the interview, it just seemed like you were… lying.”

“So?” Dan said, sitting up. “You were lying too. We’re both lying about our relationship. I thought that was something we both agreed to do.”

Phil sat up too. “You were lying about… more than that.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “What did you want me to say? The truth? We were kind of backed into a corner there, Phil.”

“I don’t know. You didn’t need to imply that you’ve had other relationships. People are going to run wild with that.”

“As if that’s not what you did when you agreed with her about having privacy issues in relationship before.”

“That’s different,” Phil protested.

“How?” Dan demanded.

Phil struggled to find the words. “I was just agreeing to something someone else said. You were saying something new. It’s just- it’s different.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why are you so worried about this, anyway?”

“I don’t like lying.”

“Again, that is what we are doing. I thought we agreed on that.”

“No, we agreed to not tell people. That’s different.”

“It’s not,” Dan said, unimpressed. “It’s just a different way of misleading people.”

Phil shook his head in disbelief.

“What?” Dan said.

“It’s different,” Phil insisted. “It just- it feels different.”

Dan shrugged. “It feels the same to me.”

When Phil was silent, he pushed on. “What did you want me to say in that situation anyway?” He mimicked the interviewer’s voice from earlier. “‘How do you handle fans invading your privacy in relationships,’ ‘Oh, we fight about it constantly because my boyfriend has some sort of weird hang up about what constitutes lying.’”

“We don’t fight about it constantly.”

“We fight about it often enough.”

They did, Phil supposed. He’d like to say the stress of being closeted wasn’t getting to their relationship, but he had to admit that lately, it had been. And he didn’t like it.

“Just.” Phil’s voice was small and watery. “It just, I don’t know, it feels like you’re ashamed of me sometimes.”

“Phil.” Dan closed his eyes. “I’m not ashamed of you.”

Phil felt silly for needing to hear those words, for ever doubting Dan. He loved Dan. Dan loved him. It was ridiculous to even suggest anything else.

“I just want us to be safe.”

Phil bit his lip. “I know.”

“Now come back here, okay?” Dan held his arms out, and Phil fell into them. He took a deep breath, searching for the sound of Dan’s heartbeat, steady and familiar, relaxing when he found it.

Some things didn’t need to be shared. It didn’t make them any less real.

[archiveddvrpg]

Congratulations, LIA! You’ve been accepted for the role of ROMEO. Admin Minnie: How many times can we tell you how much we love your Roman, Lia!! Our darling boy has changed so much since you began writing him, and it’s been a wild ride and an honor to see him develop. The crown weighs heavy on those whose hearts still believe in good, and Roman is proof of the burden of carrying that weight. I can’t wait to see how you continue pushing Roman forward and capturing our hearts and imagination with your writing. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Lia

Age | 21

Preferred Pronouns | She/Her

Activity Level | 6/10. I’ll actually be more active than usual since my classes are online for the time being, but in general, I’ll be able to pop in a few days a week to do replies.

Timezone | EST.

IN CHARACTER

Character | Romeo— The beautiful boy king Roman Montague.

What drew you to this character? | Mannnnnnn… Honestly, my entire body and soul belongs to Roman. Watching him grow in the RP has really been like watching a child grow up??? (yeah I don’t have kids so idk how accurate this statement is) But I wanted to revist the *cough* second time I revisted this part of the application.

“There’s something I’ve always loved about his inherent goodness, and how much he was loved for it. He was never a false prophet, he didn’t need to formulate a false persona, he was always himself, and that was enough for him to be adored. To Verona, Roman was proof that there still was some goodness in Verona, that there was some hope that the entire city wasn’t completely doomed and corrupt. He was proof that the gods hadn’t completely forsakened them. So what happens when he is no longer being shielded from the destitute of Verona? What happens when it begins to corrupt him, when it permeates through his essence? This is exactly what I intend to explore, especially with it being my second time around, and with Roman being a bit more in touch with his sinful side than I left him. ;-)”

He’s just so much more than people give him credit for? And that leads him to be underestimated, but boy— is ready to prove everyone wrong. >:-)

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

(I’ve kept the majority of the previous plots as they are still plots I hope to see through!)

MOTHER DEAREST | There’s no secret that Alba’s mind is deteriorating, and Damiano and Roman’s dismay, not even the best doctors, flown in from all over the world, are able to find a cure. I’m interested in seeing how this would affect the Montague empire, with Roman’s own mother being one of the biggest risks for the empire. I think this would force him to make some tough decisions, ones not even his father is capable of considering, absolutely blinded by the love he has for his Alba.

KING’S NOT DEAD | Roman’s gradual transition of power from his father is occurring much faster than he’d hoped for. Although he’s learning the ropes of being a boss rapidly, it would be interesting to see how he’d react to suddenly being forced to step in for Damiano unexpectedly. Maybe his father suddenly has to suddenly go away on business, or something involving Alba. Shadowing is one thing, but actually acting as the boss, that’s something else entirely. Will Roman be able to step up to the task? Stay tuned and find out ;) (I figured this is something to further be discussed with the admins, lol.)

NO LOST LOVE | If there was ever a woman suitable to rule alongside Roman when he eventually inherits the throne, it would absolutely be Pandora Phan. She is a soldier at heart— clever, determined, and unrelenting. But despite having this in common— the two couldn’t be any less alike. It would be a union devoid of love, completely for purpose and betterment of the mob. Roman understands this, but his love is something he is unwilling to compromise about. Although he’s agreed to the engagement for now, he’s only been keeping it up for the purpose of appearances, and he’s been secretly plotting about a way to end his engagement. It’s only a matter of time before he lets Pandora in on it.

MOST YOUNG KINGS GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF | Not to say that we have Dark!Roman now, but… we kind of do? I think what is drawing me to Roman once again is his multifacetedness. He’s gradually become a person that is no longer an extension of his father. His motivations have shifted enitrely— before he wanted to take over the mob to appease his father, but this is no longer the case. He recognizes what he’s capable of now, and honestly seeing my bb believe in himself now is amazing. He’s becoming the leader he was always meant to be.….but he’s far from perfect. He’s growing more comfortable with his own depravity. He used to be disgusted at the idea that he took pleasure in the harm of another, but there’s something oddly satisfying about watching the Capulets fall, and rightfully so at that. It makes him feel good— in a twisted, fucked up way actually. It’s as if he’s purifying the streets of Verona. To him, the destruction of the Capulets is his way of serving the greater good. He also now recognizes the benefit of his charm— more than charming people into bed, that is. When he was younger he was just naturally charming without any other ulterior motives? But now he recognizes the advantage it gives him. The adoration that it emits from the people of Verona. They worship him for it. And Roman likes to be worshipped. I think this is a dangerous line for Roman to be crossing… and I am excited to explore this further.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? |  Yeah kill him with fire honestly

IN DEPTH

SAMPLE:

SIDENOTE: So, I wanted to revisit Roman’s first heartbreak as a way to show his growth. This is still under construction honestly (as I would like to develop in further for in character purposes), but for now… here you go! I was hoping to show a shift in dominance??? Damiano’s voice is the dominant voice from the beginning, but in the second para, it shows how much he’s grown into himself by how he stands up to his father and by his taking control of this part of the narrative. :)) I’ve been Roman for so long good lord, so I felt it was only right to give you guys something fresh to show just how much he’s grown over time! Sorry this is long as fuck omg forgive me.

VERONA, 2012

He heard him before he saw him.

It had been Damiano’s idea to have Rafaella write the letter. In reality, Alba wanted to do far worse, but with time, he’d been able to talk her down. It was he who realized Rafaella had been playing him, something the mafioso suspected from the start— but Alba’s insistence that Damiano’s interference would only cause Roman to despise him—beyond repair that is, as he’d already been aware of his son’s distaste for him—led him to sit back and allow everything to play out.

You have to allow him to make his own mistakes, amore mio. We mustn’t interfere until it goes too far— until we suspect he’s putting the mob at risk.

It wasn’t long before the information got back to him— information that could only have been acquired from the loose, fickle lips of his heir. Rafaella had become untouchable and she’d known it. Allowing her back into society, with all the information she’d managed to extract from his gullible son had been risky— but having her blood on his hands would be even riskier. Roman would already despise him for her exile, but her demise? That wasn’t something he was confident his son would bounce back from. The mob was no longer the place for his delicate heart. The loving bubble in which his mother had carefully surrounded him in would no longer do. It was now Damiano’s responsibility to prepare him for his destiny— and he would do so on his own terms.

He recognized the sounds that could only be likened to a wounded animal— the quieted, choked back sobs that Roman so desperately attempted to disguise. Damiano sighed, a mixture of pity and disgrace surging through him. The letter, to put it plainly, wasn’t cutting it. He needed the truth. It would be the only way for him to learn.

Damiano pushed the slightly ajar door open, before taking the seat across from Roman’s bed. He did not acknowledge him, but he attempted to quiet his cries even more. Neither of them said anything for several moments.

“There’s more to it— isn’t there?” Roman began softly, his hands still firmly gripping the dampened letter. “I know it was your decision to make her leave, but I also know there’s more to it.”

Damiano placed his elbow on his thigh, cradling his head carefully in his hand.

“It’s only fair that I give the girl the credit that she’s owed. I wish I could say that this was wholly of my own volition, but unfortunately, there’s far more to the story. Far more than I wish.”

Roman’s head turns up slightly. It is not anger that contorts his father’s face, but disappointment. “C-Credit? For what?”

“She was playing you, figlio. And you made it so easy for her. But I recognized that weakness within you long before she did. You were raised that way, after all. But it will be this way no longer. I can no longer do you a disservice by allowing you to be weak. Naive. Gullible. Because if I do?” Roman recoils as if he’d been struck with every name that falls from his father’s lips. “Then another Rafaella will come around, chew you up, and spit you out effortlessly just as she did.”

“No… Rafaella wouldn’t…. would she?” His eyes searched his father’s for sincerity. Possibly for comfort, he would not receive. It was comfort he’d never received from Damiano, but he still sought it out anyway. Pathetic. Even after everything, he still could not fathom that her love wasn’t true.

“She would, Roman! And you know why? Because the entire purpose of her involvement with you was to undermine you. To undermine our family. She didn’t love you and you need to recognize this. You need to be able to recognize the weakness within yourself, to prevent such ridiculousness from occurring again. You made it so easy for her. Do you know what you do the next time you feel inclined to confide in someone you love?” He paused for a moment, knowing good and well Roman didn’t know the answer to that. “You don’t. Not people outside of the family, at least. People like Rafaella— the recognize what you have. You’ll come to learn that this life— the life of a princeling is a gift and a curse. You’ve never needed to want anything, but everyone will want what you have. And they’ll do anything to get it. When you lay with rats, Roman, you realize that every inch of their being is committed to not appearing like one. But a rat is still a rat. And you gave the rat everything it wanted with minimal effort on its part. And my biggest regret is I allowed it all to happen. I allowed you to be stupid— to be foolish, to believe that what the two of you had, that superficial—” He could not even bring himself to say the word love, not after knowing what true love was. As if Roman and Rafaella’s dalliances were a disgrace to the word. “Do not embarrass yourself like this again. If you are going to be a fit leader, then you can’t continue being somebody people recognize as vulnerable. They’ll never respect you.” His only regret was not turning Rafaella into a weapon— such wasted potential on the slimy Capulets. But even Damiano was not convinced his efforts would work on a pest so deeply committed to being a pest. She’d been better off with Cosimo and his deplorable ways.

“I don’t respect you. You make it so hard to do so when you… ” he bites back his disgust, but he recognizes his efforts are working. The gradual chipping away of Roman’s soft exterior. He would shed his skin in favor of an armor far thicker. “But nevermind that. Your official training begins tomorrow at sunset. We’ll be interrogating a suspected informant. Be prepared for things to get messy. Don’t embarrass me either.” Damiano stands up swiftly, no longer able to stand the sight of his son.

“Papa?” Roman utters quietly before Damiano has completely exited the room. “Would you not allow me comfort? Not even this once?”

“Comfort doesn’t win wars. Neither does compassion. I won’t do you the disservice of believing it will get you anywhere in this city. Not in this life it won’t. Do you know where comfort and compassion got you, Roman? Mourning the likes of your rat lover. A person who probably hasn’t even given you a second thought. And you really think that I came here to comfort you? Don’t be inane. I came to give you a wake-up call. You’ll probably hate me for it in the long run, and guess what? I’ve accepted that. You’ll be a better man because of it. A stronger one. And that what matters. You’ll soon realize that you can have practically any woman or man you’ve ever wanted— but never allow them to make you weak. Never allow them to steal your honor. You’re a Montague. It’s time to start acting like one.”

VERONA, 2019

He heard him before he saw him. The hurried footsteps. His father was late.

Roman watched as the minute hand abandoned it’s partner, opting instead to move forward, now noticeable enough that his father was obviously late. Instead of quickening to anger, he focused his attentions on the paper lantern on his desk, attempting to funnel his emotions inside of it. It’d been easy enough in that current moment, but would it when it actually counted for something?

The door to his office opened and closed swiftly, but even as his father settled himself into the seat across from him, his eyes still remained on the paper lantern.

“Roman,” Damiano stated in a low, habitual growl.

“Father. You’re late,” Roman says plainly, something that takes Damiano off guard, mocking laughter vibrating his large frame. There was an energy radiating off of Roman that had not been there years prior. Confidence. He was not asking for respect, but commanding it. Damiano recognized that there was little option for him in the matter. Had he been…? Had that time finally—

“I’m serious.” He momentarily tears his gaze away from the lantern in order to meet his father’s. “I expect the same standard of professionalism you’ve always held me to. If I am to take over the mob one day— I expect that same level of respect.”

This response is enough to quiet the mob boss— maybe more so out of shock then the respect he deeply desired, but it was a start. “I have several issues that I hoped to address with you today.”

There was a fierceness to his silence— one that subdued any ridicule, any possible patronization emitting from his father. He watched as his father’s eyes searched his stoic expression, waiting for the exact moment in which he would realize. He’d suspected it, but acceptance would take much more effort on both their parts. Roman no longer feared him. He had cursed the invisible hand that guided him. bit it, fought it, bloodied it, rebuked it. The heir refused submission— he refused to be a vessel for his father to enact his torment. He wholly accepted his destiny, no longer seeing any use in running from it— but the power he now recognized was entirely his own. Damiano had no choice but to listen. And this had been everything that he’d ever wanted. Everything he’d ever hoped for. A son who refused to take a shit, even from his own father. He had to ensure that it was not good to be true. That Roman was not merely enacting the facade of a leader.

He nodded, waiting for his son to continue.

“As of recent, there are a few concerns I’d like to address regarding the mob’s administration,” Roman began cooly, eyes still searching the paper lantern. “Long story short— you’ve lost your touch. I don’t think your pride would ever allow you to admit that to yourself, but everyone can see it. The world can see it. I know how much you care about the reputation of the mob— which is why I’m offering you an easy way out.”

Roman could see the tinges of anger permeate through his father’s being, but it meant nothing to the man who did not fear him. Not a boy, not a princeling, but a conqueror. Hearing that you’ve lost your touch is never easy, Damiano knew better than most that he was getting old. He knew the time to usher in a new regime was rapidly approaching. But he also knew that Roman could not be asked to take the throne. He had to do so of his own volition. He had to command the throne. Demand that what was rightfully his be handed to him.

“The easy way out would be you gradually transferring your duties as mob boss to me. You’ll tell everyone that in your old age, you think its best for you to spend time with your sickly wife. That it is time to usher in a new era. You’ll tell them that your mind isn’t what it used to be, that dealing with your wife’s debilitating disease has driven you to irrationality.”

In all 27 years of his life, Roman had never driven his father to the point of stupefaction. Confidence surged in every word he spoke. But he could not lose momentum. “The difficult way out is you’ll be forced out. I mean, technically, the first option doesn’t leave you much of a choice either, but at least in that instance, your exit will be effortless on your end. I currently have a board of advisors within the ranks. I won’t reveal their names quite yet, though several of them will be fairly obvious. They wholly support my transition to the throne.”

Goade him. Test the thickness of the armor; ensure that it is authentic. Better you than anyone else. “You can’t seriously believe that you’re—”

“No!” Roman begins through snarled teeth. “You don’t get to do this to me anymore. The gaslighting, the berating— you can entirely fuck off with all that, dad. I didn’t call you into my office for you to listen to yourself talk. You’re going to listen to me. I won’t let you destroy everything we worked for. I won’t let you destroy me. Not anymore.”  What was it that swelled in Damiano’s chest? Had it been… pride, perhaps?

“I’m ready. In fact, I’ve always been ready, father. I just was never what you wanted me to be. And I’ll never be who you want me to be. I’ll never be you and I’ll be a better man for it. A better leader for it.”

Damiano looks at Roman challengingly— expecting him to back down, to recoil as he always has— but Roman does not flinch. This was not the same boy who once mourned his lost love. Maybe Roman liked to believe so, but Damiano knew his son far better than that. He was different, maybe not in the way that he’d raised him to be—but he’d been different. He had not molded himself to be fit for the throne but instead shaped it into something that would be fit for him. Damiano’s test had been nearly complete. “You expect to lead a mob? Do you truly think you can garner the respect that I have?”

“And that’s the difference between you and I. Me— I never respected you. You convinced me that was what respect was, but that isn’t respect. That is fear. Do you truly think this city respects you? They’re terrified of you! But me? I don’t have to scare people into following me. They follow me out of choice— not because they believe it to be the only option. So let’s not make this any harder than it has to be, dad. It’s over. You’re over. What good have you or Cosimo brought to Verona from this stupid fucking war? Do either of you realize how ridiculous this all is? People are dying for your petty fucking war, and you don’t even care!”

I came to give you a wake-up call. You’ll probably hate me for it in the long run, and guess what? I’ve accepted that. You’ll be a better man because of it. A stronger one. And that’s what matters.

The authoritative air that seems to shimmer around Roman— it was real. Roman was not performing heir as he once had. This was real and even Damiano could now recognize it. He’d underestimated his son, a fault within himself that he was able to recognize. Maybe it’d been a result of his pride. Maybe he had lost sight of things. Maybe he and Cosimo had truly resorted to a petty pissing match. But nevermind that now.

He leaned back in his chair leisurely, hands coming together in a slow, dramatic clap. “I’m impressed, son. Truly. This backbone— where is it coming from?”

“I know you would like to think it’s from you,” Roman begins, laughing almost mockingly. “I know that you’re apart of me. I’m your blood after all. I tried to run from it— fearing that I would become you and lose every other part of myself. I thought becoming you was the only way that I would be able to rule, and that scared the shit out of me. But then I realized something— you have no true power. You only have as much power as everyone believes you to have. Without them— your power means nothing. So if you would like that illusion to be kept for the remainder of your days— then I wouldn’t cross me. You’re in the way of what I want, and if forcing you out is what it takes— then so be it.”  

It had been this way for eons. Just as Kronos had overthrown his own father, Zeus had overthrown him. It had only been a matter of time. Even the gods got old and lost their touch. Even Damiano’s own father, who’d barely possessed such likeness in the first place. It would happen to Roman with his future child eventually— maybe not quite on the same terms, but it would happen with time.

“This is your final offer, father. I truly wanted to make this as easy possible for you, even if you don’t deserve it. After everything you’ve done— you deserve far less courtesy than this. So let’s not make this difficult for either of us. You knew this day would come. You just never knew when. Let my board of advisors and I proceed as planned, and your retirement will be a happy and prosperous one.” He smiles that 1000 watt smile— the one that will bring Verona to its knees. The smile that would end the war, that would finally usher in a new era. That smile had been the greatest weapon Damiano could’ve ever hoped for— how was he just now realizing this? That was the advantage Roman had and the one Damiano possessed no longer.  That tantalizing charisma, and a clean canvas of a mind.

His work here had been done. Damiano had been convinced. Roman’s belief in himself had been genuine. He felt warmth— something he rarely felt at this point in his life, but it felt good. He was proud of his son. Of the leader, he’d become. But compassion had never been his way. Hw fumbled for the right words to say, something to encapture the depth of the pride he felt for his son—

“You don’t have to say it. I know you’re proud of me. I know that for whatever stupid reason you can’t admit that to—”

“No, Roman. You and your mother have shown me that it isn’t always a weakness that comes from compassion, but vice versa. Sometimes it is your own weakness that prevents you from showing compassion. A valuable lesson I needed to learn— even if it took more than half a century. Verona will be a better place because of you.”

He could see the emotion rousing in his son, the wetness settling in his eyes, and gods he had no desire to wait around while Roman ruined the moment.

Damiano began his exit in a single, furious motion.

“Thank you,” Roman manages, stopping him in his tracks. Damiano offers him a single nod before shuffling out of the office.

And for the first time in 27 years, Roman Montague had the last word.

EXTRAS:

SIDENOTE: This was actually the first part of the long ass sample I made, but I realized it had LITERALLY 0 to do with Roman??? Like he wasn’t even born let alone a thought? But it did help me find my daddy Dami and Mama Alba voice so it was fun afjwaeifj here you go!

VERONA, 1989

He heard her before he saw her.

There was something utterly engrossing about her voice, with the smokey richness only comparable to his favorite bourbon. But it was the huskiness that sold him— her passion unwavering even as her voice threatened to fail her, presumably from her repeated shouts.

Damiano stopped briskly in his path. He was late, but his curiosity bested him.

She was ferocious in every aspect— from the way her curls pooled heedlessly around her face, to her slender brows furrowed in determination. The dripping sweat only enhanced the bronze glow of her skin. Her willowy frame had been draped in a loosely fitted, Angela Davis t-shirt and dark bell-bottom jeans. She was chained to a towering tree, repeating over and over again,

Morte per gentrificazione!

Death to gentrification.

It was then he noticed everything else around them, the outside world previously silenced at the sight of her. Several police vehicles littered the surrounding street, as well as several aggravated men in suits discussing something fervently with a construction worker. He did not care to hear the circumstances of the situation from them, finding himself instantly pulled in the direction of the woman, disregarding the announcement made by several people that this was indeed private property he was entering. Even if he hadn’t been so focused on her— he couldn’t have cared less. He stopped at what he thought was a respectful distance, close enough to hold a conversation, but hopefully not close enough to impede her personal space. His mouth opened in preparation to speak, but the stranger managed to beat him to the punch—

“You can tell your bosses to stop sending stuffy fucking corporate lawyers my way. I gave them my terms already, and they’re non-negotiable.”

He blinked stupidly, not knowing how to react to her mistaking him for a stuffy, fucking corporate lawyer.

“I— was actually hoping to gain more clarity on the circumstances of your protest. I just moved to this part of town, and I’m not too familiar with the area.”

Her facial expression softened slightly, her eyes meeting his own with a raised brow. “Quite the nosey newcomer I see,” she begins challengingly yet playfully. “But this, mio amico, is the location of homeless shelter and soup kitchen. These bastardi di maiale—” she shouts in their direction as she states this, “—want to tear it down to build luxury apartments.”

This had evidently been enough to draw the attention of one of the bastardi di maiale, as he began his commute from the other bastardi, his face a sickly shade of salmon.

“This is my property. What don’t you get?! I have a right to do with it as I please. Now, if you don’t plan on getting off my property, I’ll have you forcibly removed, cang—”

All it took was Damiano’s hand positioned in front of his face to disrupt his throaty rant.

“I would stop while I was ahead if I were you,” he offered to the significantly shorter man. “You wouldn’t want to say anything you’d later regret.”

Gargles of protest exited his throat as he attempted to scramble for a retort. “Excuse me? How dare—”

“You’re going to sell me this property and go about your day. Understood?” Damiano says, lowering his hand. The woman watches him curiously, but his eyes remain on the bastardo.

“Now why the hell would I do that? This property is a gold mine! I’ll make mi—”

“Because your property won’t be worth merda once I’m finished with it. Build your luxury apartments. Fine. You will be reminded of my wrath each and every day. Your tenants will gradually forget what peace ever felt like. I’ll buy your property for whatever you paid for it plus 5%. And the more you run that bastardo mouth of yours, the less generous I feel, and the lower the offer will become. Do I make myself clear?”

The coloration of his skin reddens— a mixture of rage, embarrassment, and most likely fear. He did not truly need to build the apartments there, he supposed, and for some reason— his eyes met Damiano’s momentarily before returning to the ground— this man was someone he did not desire to have on his bad side. Maybe building luxury apartments on the property of a homeless shelter hadn’t been good—

“Sir? Have you considered my terms?” Damiano says smoothly, but there is no tolerance in his tone.

“I— accept your terms. We can draw up the paperwork immediately. I-It will be a pleasure doing business with you, signore—”

“Montague. Damiano Montague.”

The man’s eyes widened; he’d heard that name on some occasions, but never had the opportunity to meet the man in person. He’d been the man taking Verona by storm, with such a tightly held grasp that he did not need a face to accomplish such feats. He simply needed a name, and that was enough to bring the despondent city to its knees.

“Si-Signore Montague, it’s a p-pleasure—”

Damiano’s hand returned to its former place, heading the man’s blubberings once more. “Now, I would like to return to the conversation I was having with my companion before we were rudely interrupted by your ramblings. For the moment being, I’d like you out of my sight.”

His lip trembled but he did not protest— returning to the group of now wide-eyed bastardi di maiale. He returns his attentions to the strange woman— her arms now crossed, studying him peculiarly, attempting to figure out what he was after.

“Now that he’s taken care of—” he began with a sigh of relief. “Tell me more about this building. I hope to restore it to its former glory. In fact, I hope to make it even grander than before; in order to reach even more people than the original owners could’ve ever imagined possible. With your help, if you’d be willing, that is.”

She undid the chain, before sizing Damiano up, something not difficult for her to do as she could not have been more than two inches shorter than him. He couldn’t blame her for being wary of his intentions. This had all occurred in a span of fewer than fifteen minutes, after all. “Why would you need my help? You seem to have things pretty well handled.”

“This place means something to you. It means something to you to the point where you were willing to chain yourself to a tree and face off with these wealthy bastardi di maiale. You didn’t care about the consequences you might possibly face. The people are what was most important. They mean something to you, and quite frankly, something tells me you’d do a much better job of running it than I.”

She ponders his proposition silently for a few moments, before offering him her hand to shake. “Sounds like we have a deal. Alba Fascelli.” He shook her hand, before carefully bringing it to his lips, silently requesting her permission, only proceeding when she nodded. “I hope you know it’ll take more than a grand gesture to win me over, Dami. You haven’t even asked me out on a date yet.”

Damiano smiled warmly, as the familiarity the nickname roused within him made him feel as if he’d known her for years. “Trust me— I knew from the moment I walked over here that it would take far more than this to win you over. But I’ve never been one to step down from a challenge.”

She allowed her hand to linger in his for a moment longer, before crossing in front of him and releasing it. “0458446149. I’ll let you know when I’m available. Do forward more details about To Tame a Soup at your earliest convenience.”

He waved stiffly, still slightly stunned over her presence. “Addio, Alba.”

Alba. The name whose meaning he would come to understand later on in life. Sunrise. It would take meeting Alba for Damiano to realize that in his 27 years of life, the sun had not truly risen— not until meeting her, that is.

here’s his inspo tag!

there’s probably hella typos pls forgive me and tumblr deleted all my bold stuff and i’m sickkkkk but i’m too tired to fix it :/

[dramaphan]

Thinking about that vday vid ask and wondering, do you think phil would still be able to have youtube as a career if that vid didn't get seen by people? like said before the phan thing made them more popular. Also do you think all the speculations would of been as huge and the same amount of people convinced they were together without the vid or maybe they would of already been out if there hadn't been so much pressure?

It’s so hard to say. Because the video was just one piece of a complicated puzzle, you know? So it’s hard to say how much that one thing would have changed.

When that video leaked, that’s what really got people interested in what was actually going on between them. Which at the time, they weren’t ready for, and it only shoved them deeper into the closet. But all that attention they were getting is also what really tipped them over the edge in terms of their careers. Personally, they were moving backwards, and professionally, they were leaping ahead.

If that video had never seen the light of day, they might not have gotten that early boost in popularity. They might still have become just as famous, maybe something else would have set them off, or they would have just grown more slowly. Maybe they never would have gotten as big as they did. But one thing I do genuinely believe, is that they might have come out earlier if that video never leaked.

Looking back on some of the stuff they posted in the earlier days, it was... not completely outright, but they definitely weren’t hiding much. It wasn’t necessarily a secret, but it wasn’t something they’d made official public knowledge either. The video leaked, and they shut down. Strictly platonic interaction from there on out. And pretty much everything that you see used as “Phan proof” are things that could reasonably go either way. Almost all of it is “Yeah, but friends also do that” type stuff. So while it might have seemed obvious, nobody could honestly prove anything. Nobody actually knew anything, despite how confident some people were (and still are). People who thought they were together, and people who thought they weren’t, were both being equally as reasonable, in my opinion. (Though the people who thought they were together tended to be way more pushy and problematic about it.)

The vday vid was pretty much the one and only thing that didn’t have a reasonably platonic explanation. They said it was originally a prank, that they decided against, but I’m not sure if anyone ever 100% believed that story. Some people encouraged that narrative out of respect for their privacy, but I don’t know anyone who didn’t at least wonder.

The intense speculation and invasion of privacy that followed that video was absolutely something that scared them backwards. And if it had never been leaked, if they had been free to share those things on their own time, when they felt comfortable, without feeling like their personal lives were under a microscope, I feel like they would have come out years earlier than they did.

But this is all just my own perspective, as an outsider looking in. And I know it’s unlikely to ever, ever happen in a million years, but I would love to hear them talk about that video, and how the leak affected them personally, professionally, and romantically.

I would just love to fucking interview Dan and Phil, dude. Like a proper serious interview. I wanna get deep. Let’s talk. Let’s share our feelings. Dan and Phil’s manager, hit me up.

[auroraphilealis]

1/? ok, the mukbang video really did a number on me. before i get into it, i just realized that i feel like watching them has helped me mature in a way. i started watching them when i was 11, and i’m now 16. at least right now, maybe for the past few years, i’d say that the majority of the phandom has been more mature in regards to dnp and the things they do. i feel like if i hadn’t been part of that during my early teen years i wouldn’t be as mature as i am now if that makes sense. -mature anon

2/? mature anon- watching that video right now in 2018, or any other piece of recent content, the way people think about it and react to it is totally different compared to a few years ago. when dan put his hand on phil’s leg, a few years ago people would have freaked out and marked it as “phan proof” or some shit like that, not caring to acknowledge that that is just how friends interact. but now, we just see that, among other things, as something that just shows how close their relationship is

3/? another thing is how dan was talking about more personal topics, things that would just usually stay either in his head or between him and phil. he’s getting more comfortable showing himself to us, an example being the live my truth video when he talked about sex. and i love how we react to it now. taylor, danielhowall i think her username is, said that the mukbang video kind of changes everything, and i totally agree.

4/? the fact that they were comfortable enough to share something like that with us fills my heart with something that i can’t explain. they shared a tiny bit of their extremely private lives with us. not only does it excite me for what could come in the future, but it just adds to the list of things that i’m immensely proud of them for. sorry if this is extremely rambly and repetitive, i didn’t organize my thoughts beforehand.

5/5 i think, i can’t remember. i stopped writing then realized i couldn’t remember if i took out the question mark in the beginning. if i did, oh well, here’s another part. i’m the same anon from a while back who talked about dan being more open about sex in the living my truth vid if you remember that. i hope you understood what i meant by all of this. sorry it’s so long.

Incidentally, it’s been two months since mature anon messaged me (and since I’ve been properly active in anyway), and I’m not sure if mature anon is even still around, but I’ll apologize anyway and also answer anyway. 

I do remember you’re ask about the living my truth video! I’m glad to see you back. Wow, you’ve been in the fandom for quite some time. I love that, honestly. It’s really amazing how watching them can be something almost universal, and which can help a lot of us mature. I think even I’ve matured, and I was quite a bit older when I first started watching them. I think I was 19, but at this point I can’t really remember lol. But, they’re really overall good role models and two really amazing people who help in more ways than anyone (including themselves) really knows. 

As someone whose been with the phandom for quite some time, I would definitely say I agree with you on the idea of how much we’ve also matured as a group. For the most part, we’re not so aggressively intent on proving Phan exists anymore, but I also think that comes down to how much more open and real Dan and Phil have chosen to be with us. It no longer seems to matter so much one way or another if they’re truly together because we’re being allowed to see more of the reality of their friendship and bond. There isn’t a need to prove that they love each other, because they no longer hide that from us. I think they chose to stop trying to hide how deeply they care about each other because they realized that no matter what they really are to each other, there’s no use in trying to pretend with the internet. Especially considering these two really are, first and foremost, best friends.

I’m also really happy that Dan is being more open and honest. Even when I don’t particularly care for the topic he’s bringing up or even if I don’t agree with what he says, the fact that he’s finally willing to be himself gives me a lot of strength to be myself as well. I’m learning, through Dan, that you don’t have to agree with everyone in the world, and you don’t have to like everyone in the world, and you don’t need everyone in the world to like you. In fact, you can even be friends with people who don’t always think the same way as you. But more than that, what Dan shows is that being yourself is more important than anything else, no matter what that makes other people think of you. 

The mukbang video definitely changes everything. This year, with Dan and Phil, changes everything. Change is terrifying, I truly hate change, but I love that it’s happening here because it’s a hopeful change.

Don’t apologize for rambling and wanting to talk about this! I really loved hearing your thoughts, and it really helped me to reflect on Dan and Phil as well. This year has truly been something else, and the mukbang, and this ask are good reminders to be hopeful, in a strange way. 

[danfanciesphil]

Give Me A Try (New Chapter)

Gay Instagram Model/Bartender Phan AU Part 7

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

(Part Four)

(Part Five)

(Part Six)

(Read on Ao3)

“Thanks again for doing this, Dan. It’s really nice of you,” Phil is saying, though Dan is barely listening. He’s typing the various codes and instructions Phil had reeled off a moment ago into the notes of his phone, but mostly he’s trying to keep himself from looking Phil in the eye.

“It’s really not a problem,” Dan says, shrugging. He pockets his phone, wrapping his arms around his middle. “Your flat is, like, ten times nicer than mine. Not to mention super close to the bar.”

Phil smiles, though he still looks abashed. Perhaps Dan should invite him round to his shitty Kemptown flat one day, then Phil might feel less guilty for asking Dan to house-sit.

“I’m gone until Wednesday,” Phil informs him, grabbing a jacket from the row of hooks nearby. “I’ll be back around midday, probably jetlagged and grumpy as hell, so you might wanna steer clear of me.”

Phil laughs, and Dan infers that this is Phil’s polite way of asking him to be gone by Wednesday lunch time. “Got it. I should have everyone out of here by then.”

Phil pauses, one arm in one sleeve, an adorable frown caught on his befuddled face. “Who out of where?”

“Oh, all the hundreds of people I’ll be inviting round for a week-long orgy.”

Dan’s straight face seems to catch Phil off guard for a split second, and then he laughs, giving himself away. Phil dissolves into laughter with him, tongue caught between his teeth.

“Just put a cover over the couch, yeah? It’s velvet. Stains easily.”

“Ooft, no promises.” Dan jokes back. His heart pangs as the easy banter slips off his tongue.

Doing this jokey back and forth with Phil used to be fun. It used to excite him, how effortlessly they could buffet off one another’s humour; now, in the wake of Tyler’s words the other day, it’s just painful. This ‘friendship’ with Phil had once seemed like a miracle. Now all Dan can see is a pretence. He hasn’t told Tyler about the fact that Phil has asked him to stay in his flat, because it just seems further proof that Phil is only using him.

But Dan’s weak, and he couldn’t refuse Phil anything if he tried.

“...and I’ll call and check in now and then just to make sure you’re okay,” Phil is saying, Dan realises with a start. He nods, trying to show he’s been listening, and Phil beams at him, jacket zipped up. “So, see you in a week then, I guess!”

Dan’s about to go in for a safe handshake, but then Phil is wrapping an arm around him, his other hand on the handle of his suitcase. He squeezes Dan tight, and Dan lets out a sound that he hopes is muffled by the broad, warm chest he’s smushed against.

He’s released after a moment, and he’s pretty sure he’s bright red. He nods, taking a swift step backwards. “Y-yep, see you. Have fun in the Maldives.”

Phil rolls his eyes, making an ‘ugh’ sound. “Not likely.”

It seems a bizarre reaction, but Dan is used to Phil speaking about his work with distaste at this point. Dan tries to stave off judgement, but it’s difficult to view these eye rolls and grimaces as anything other than ungrateful. Phil is going to spend a week pouting for a camera on a beach in the blazing sunshine. Dan is going to spend this week sweating behind a bar, then crawling home to someone else’s sofa to eat his weight in crisps and fall asleep.

“Well, uh, send me some pics,” Dan says, not sure what else to say. For whatever reason, the idea of this seems to perk Phil up.

“I will!” He gives Dan a small wave as he opens the door, and then, right before it closes, he blows a kiss. “By-eee!”

The door clicks shut behind him, and Dan stares at it for a moment, replaying that kiss in his mind. “Bye,” he whispers to nobody.

*

Friday nights are karaoke, and it usually gets a little messy. The gays love to sing, and with a few drinks in their system, they’re practically unstoppable. More often than not, the hardest part of the evening is dragging them off stage when it’s closing time.

With the help of Matt, Dan manages to boot the last few out of the door, and sighs in relief. Now there’s just a final clear up to do, and he can wander down the road to crash at Phil’s. He grabs a rag and starts wiping down the bar.

“Dodie, could you switch the music off?” Dan calls.

“On it!”

“Lara, would you grab a mop? I think the guy’s bathroom could use a once over.”

“Already did it, Dan!”

Dan lifts a smile to her, impressed. She’s sealing the mop and bucket back in the cleaning cupboard already. “Thanks, you’re a star.”

“What shall I do, boss?”

Dan turns to face Tyler, who is smiling sheepishly at him from the other end of the bar. “You’re as much of a boss as I am, Ty. Figure your own jobs out.”

It comes out a little bit colder than he intends it to, but Tyler is undeterred. “Don’t equate such lowly peasants with yourself, boss!”

Tyler scoots close, then grabs the rag from Dan’s hand. “Hey!” Dan exclaims.

“Let me do that,” Ty says, still beaming. “You’re tired. Go home, I’ll lock up.”

“It’s my turn,” Dan points out.

“Pfft,” Tyler say, swiping the rag through the air. “I don’t mind. Besides, I’ve got Dodie and Lara to help me.”

Dan sighs, wanting to protest. He knows this is Tyler’s way of apologising for what he said about Phil the other night, but it makes Dan uncomfortable. Sure, Tyler had said some things Dan didn’t exactly want to hear, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have said them. His apologies are unnecessary.

“Fine,” Dan says, exasperated. “But I’m locking up tomorrow.”

Tyler holds the rag up, and places his other hand over his heart. “Scout’s honour.”

Dan shoots him a tight smile, then squeezes out from behind the bar. He crosses the dancefloor to the staff room and gathers his things. As he’s coming out, he notices Tyler and Dodie in a deep discussion that ends abruptly when they spot him.

Wanting to groan, Dan shakes his head at them. “Guys, I’m not a fucking idiot okay, I know you’re talking about me.”

“It’s just…” Dodie swallows, her eyes darting to Tyler’s briefly. “We’re worried. Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet since…”

She trails off.

“Since I shoved my foot in everything and tore you to pieces for just having a crush,” Tyler finishes. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Ty, you’ve apologised literally like fifty times,” Dan reminds him, already pulling on his jacket.

“I know but… I just don’t want you to think that anything I said was anything except me lashing out because of my own love troubles,” Tyler says, walking over to him. “I don’t think Phil is intentionally being a dick to you. I just let all the gossip from the bar filter into my brain.”

“We’re just worried,” Dodie says again, biting her thumb.

“Well, that’s all very sweet,” Dan says, sighing. “But you don’t have to worry anymore. You were right in a way, it’s not very healthy for me to be so… close to him. I’m distancing myself for the time being.”

Technically, technically, there’s a lot of distance between he and Phil right now. Over 5,000 miles, in fact. This probably doesn’t count, however. After all, he saw Phil earlier on today, and will probably be texting him from his very own couch later on. Dodie and Tyler don’t need to know this, though.

Dan watches with mild despair as the two of them exchange one of their long, loaded glances; it’s filled with unspoken concern.

“Okay, I’m off,” Dan announces before either of them can verbalise it. He gives a brief wave, then heads for the door. “See you gays tomorrow.”

“Wait, Dan-” Tyler begins to say, but Dan just throws him another dismissive wave.

“Bye!” He calls, then wrenches open the door and steps out into damp morning chill.

*

Phil has every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, along with all of Game of Thrones, every Studio Ghibli movie, and most Marvel films. Once he’s let himself into Phil’s flat, checked the houseplants, removed his jacket and shoes, and made a de-stress cup of tea, Dan kneels before Phil’s collection. He’s down there for a good ten minutes before settling on Captain America as his choice for a wind-down film.

He pops it in the DVD player and loads it up, then settles into Phil’s deliciously comfy couch to watch. As the opening credits roll, he snaps a photo of his hand holding the mug of tea, the film’s title screen in the background. He dithers, unsure whether to post it to his newly popular Instagram. His overtired brain is too mushy to think about it too much, so he slaps a warm filter on it, and posts it with the caption:

cap’s helping me wind down after a long shift

It immediately starts being hit with likes and comments, which is too much for Dan to comprehend right now, so he just locks the phone and shoves it in his pocket. He’ll read the comments tomorrow.

Dan’s just getting to the bit where Chris Evans’ CGI skinny body is being pumped up into his muscly self, when his phone trills. Confused, Dan pauses the film and reaches for it. Phil’s name stares out from the screen. He swipes it immediately, already bolt upright with concern.

“Hello?”

“Hey!”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah! Everything’s great,” Phil says. “Just checking in.”

Dan had been expecting a sombre, possibly urgent tone; contrarily, Phil seems to be his usual, chipper self. Dan checks the time on his phone, frowning. It’s 3am, meaning it’s 7am in the Maldives.

Dan rubs his eyes. “It’s so early.”

“Oh, crap, did I wake you up? I just thought ‘cause of your Instagram post that you’d be chilling after work, sorry.”

“No, I mean it’s early for you.”

“Oh,” Phil says, laughing. “Nah, this is when I have to get up for my shoot. The best light for beach photos is sunrise.”

“Oh,” Dan says, surprised. He never thought about that. “God, that must suck. Aren’t you jetlagged?”

“Super jetlagged!” Phil laughs again. “I’m used to doing shoots half asleep, don’t worry.”

“Have some coffee,” Dan suggests.

“I’ll definitely be trying to wrangle some caffeine from somewhere,” Phil agrees. His tone of voice suggests that it doesn’t look promising. “So, how’s your first night in the flat going?”

Dan glances around himself. “It’s, uh, quiet.”

“Hmm, yeah,” Phil says. “It can get pretty lonely there.”

This makes Dan frown. Phil has never mentioned being lonely before. “It’s cool, I’ve got Cap and Bucky to keep me company.”

“Ah, yes! Are you watching Civil War?”

“No, just the first one.”

“Awesome,” Phil says emphatically. “Well, enjoy the not-so-subtle gay undertones. I’d better get to the beach.”

“You poor soul,” Dan says sarcastically, which makes Phil laugh.

“Get to bed soon, okay? I know Chris Evans’ abs look really good on my obnoxiously large TV, but you’re working tomorrow.”

Dan chuckles. “Yes mum.”

“Night, young man.”

“Morning, you mean.”

“Hah, I guess you’re right. I’ll check in tomorrow, sweet dreams!”

“Oh, you don’t have to check in tomorrow if-”

The line goes dead, and Phil is gone. Dan blinks down at his phone, slightly thrown by the conversation. It’s difficult to believe that Phil is so concerned about the wellbeing of his houseplants that he’d call Dan the first morning of his trip. Now that Dan thinks about it, Phil hadn’t even asked about the houseplants.

An overwhelming fatigue throws itself over Dan suddenly, and he yawns, throwing his phone to one side, where it continues to blink with Instagram notifications. He should really switch those off. He blinks at the TV, eyes already growing heavy; he’s sure he won’t make it to the end of the movie.

With a hefty amount of willpower, Dan switches off the TV and heads to Phil’s room to grab the duvet. As he’s pulling the heavy quilt from the mattress however, he pauses, arms aching with the weight of it already. Would it really be so bad to take up Phil’s offer of just falling into the bed?

It will undoubtedly be weird, and he’ll probably hate himself for it tomorrow morning, because he’ll spend the whole of the next day (week, month, and year) dreaming about exactly how Phil’s bed feels and smells. But he’s exhausted, and it looks far more inviting than the couch right now.

Before he can argue himself out of it, Dan is shimmying off his jeans, pulling his t-shirt over his head, and crawling into the tantalisingly soft cocoon of the bed. He actually moans; these sheets feel divine against his skin. They’re probably Egyptian cotton or something. Dan would take longer to think about it, but he closes his eyes, and falls instantly asleep.  

*

Two hours before they are due to close on Saturday, at around 3am, a girl approaches the bar. She is pretty and slim, with a short, tight dress on and long dangly earrings. She’s wearing red lipstick and her hair is bleach blonde. Not wanting to judge prematurely, Dan gives her his usual customer-service smile; in the back of his mind, however, he can’t help but note that this girl is very much not the type of customer that they usually get at Habenero’s.

In other words, she gives off a rather… heterosexual vibe.

“Hi,” the girl says, grinning at him. She leans forwards on the bartop, pushing out her boobs rather obviously. Dan raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. “A Malibu and Coke, please.”

“Sure,” Dan says, turning to make it.

“Actually,” she says, making him turn. “Make it a Diet Coke. I’m such a sugar fiend. Need to watch myself.”

Briefly, Dan looks her up and down. Her body is gorgeous, clearly the result of daily gym trips and a careful diet. A full-fat Coke wouldn’t even touch her skinny frame, and she knows it. He’s not in the mood to pander to her obvious attempt at fishing for compliments.

If she wants her ego stroked, she’s barking up the wrong tree.

“Don’t we all,” Dan says instead, and reaches for the soda hose.

The drink takes seconds to make, and he places it before her. “No straw?” She asks, smirking. “My lipstick is Dior. Can’t waste it on the rim of a glass, can I?”

Dan shrugs at her. “Sorry, we’ve introduced a no-straw policy at the club. Brighton’s a green city.”

For a moment, her smile wavers, but then it’s fixed back in place. “Hey, do I know you from somewhere?”

“I don’t think so.”

The scarlet lips form a perfect ‘o’. Her look of realisation seems ingenuine, like she’s performing a pre-rehearsed scene. “Oh my God! You’re AmazingPhil’s friend, right?” At the sound of his name, Dan freezes up. “David, is it? No, wait, Dan!”

“Uh, I think you’ve got the wrong person,” Dan mutters, though he can feel the heat flood to his cheeks.

“Oh, don’t be coy!” She laughs, and then she’s got her arm on his shoulder; she’s leaning right over the bar to reach him, which looks awkward. “You’re the bartender he keeps posting about, right?”

“Could be,” Dan says vaguely.

“Yes, yes, it’s totally you! Gosh, you’re so much cuter in person.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.” He shifts awkwardly. “So, it’s five-fity for the Malibu and Diet Coke,” Dan tries to say, but she just laughs him off.

“So, oh my gosh,” she leans even closer somehow, a wry, knowing smile stretching her lipsticked mouth into a joker-ish smear. “Tell me. Is Phil just as cute in person too?”

Dan feels his cheeks warming. “Oh, um, I- I don’t know.”

“Aw, come off it. You have to admit he’s cute, right?” Her teeth are dazzlingly white as she grins at him; it’s mildly disconcerting in the low light.

“I guess,” Dan says. He looks around for another customer, trying to find an excuse to leave the conversation.

“And you guys met in Brighton? At this club?”

“...Yep.”

“So, like, you already knew who he was, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“You were a fan of him? You followed his Insta?”

“I, uh, well… yes, but-”

“I bet he was flirty.” She grins again, teeth blinding. “Does he flirt with you?”

“He’s kind of flirty, I suppose,” Dan admits, trying not to picture all the many, many times Phil has knocked the air from his lungs with an off-handed comment.

“Ooh,” she says, eyebrows wriggling. “That sounds intriguing. So go on, tell me, Dan. Is he good?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, stupidly.

“Oh, you know,” she says, and winks. “Is he good in bed? With that body, he probably doesn’t  have to be, yeah?”

“Wait what? That’s not- we’re not-” Dan stammers out, cheeks scarlet by this point.

“Right, right, you’re just friends,” she says, rolling her eyes. When they meet Dan’s again, she winks a second time. “Come on, Dan, I’m not an idiot. I mean, you’re staying in his house, right?”

Immediately, Dan’s hackles go up, and he pulls back from her. “How do you know that I’m… who are you?”

Suddenly a ruckus nearby captures Dan’s attention, and he turns to see Matt ploughing through the crowd and seizing another girl by the shoulders. This second girl, also blonde and in a skimpy outfit, is holding up a phone, obviously videoing Dan.

Dan gawps at the camera, then Matt plucks it from her hand. “Unsolicited filming of our staff is not permitted. Get out.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, we’re just asking him a few questions!” shouts at Matt. Her charming smile is gone now, and in its place is a ferocious snarl. “It’s perfectly within our rights to do that! He’s in the public eye, isn’t he?”

One hand on the filming girl’s shoulder still, Matt seizes Malibu-and-Diet-Coke-girl by her upper arm. “You’re out too, Princess. Highly doubt this is your sort of establishment anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Malibu-and-Diet-Coke-girl shouts, trying to break free of his grip.

“It means,” Dan cuts in, anger starting to swirl in his blood as he processes the situation. “That we don’t throw a Pride parade every year just so you and your gaggle of plastic friends can paint on rainbows and find a GBF.”

“You heard him,” Matt says, beginning to frogmarch the two girls towards the exit.

“This is discrimination!” One of them shouts on their way.

“Must be so hard for you poor straight white girls,” Matt replies, ever the sarcastic one.

A few people gathered near the bar clap then, cheering as the girls depart.

“Nice one, mate,” Nick, one of their regulars, calls out to Dan. He nods, still embarrassed, and Nick approaches the bar. “She was out of order.”

“Yeah,” Dan says, mind still reeling. “I don’t get it, though. Why was she filming me?”

“Well, ‘cause you’re in with that good-looking model dude, right? She wants exclusive behind the scenes gossip for her own account, I’d imagine. Chicks like that are always after their ten minutes of fame, so they try guzzle it from other people.” Nick says; it kind of makes sense, except for the fact that some random girl thinks Dan is anywhere near important enough in Phil’s life for him to be harbouring any secrets about the man.

Nick takes hold of the Malibu and Diet Coke Dan made for the girl, the one he now realises she never paid for. Before Dan has a moment to be annoyed about it however, Nick pushes a tenner towards him. “For the drink. Nasty stuff, Malibu, but someone’s gotta drink it, eh?”

Dan smiles at him gratefully. “Thanks. I’ll grab you some change for it.”

“No need!” Nick calls out, making Dan pause.

“Nick, it’s only a five-fifty drink.”

“Yeah, well. We’re mates, aren’t we? Keep the tip.”

Dan’s eyes fall to the ten pound note in his hands. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, course!”

“Wow,” Dan says, taken aback. “That’s seriously good of you, thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No worries!” Nick takes a sip of his drink, eyes darting around the room. “So… as I was sayin’. You and that Phil fella. That’s… a thing, right?”

“What?”

“The two of you are… gettin’ it on?”

Dan drops the ten pound note back onto the bar like it’s burning. “Is this a fucking bribe? Are you trying to get me to talk about Phil?”

“Aw, come on Dan, we’re mates, aren’t we?”

“You know what,” Dan grits his teeth, snatching the drink out of Nick’s hands. “I’m not your mate, and you can fucking hit the street with those other vultures.” Dan cups a hand to his mouth, and pushes up onto his tiptoes, scanning the crowd. “Matt! Got another one!”

“Dan, for fuck’s sake, you know me,” Nick says, annoyed. “Come on, you and the Insta dude are the hottest story in town right now! You can’t blame me for trying to get in on the goss!”

“What so you can tweet about some non-existent scandal for a few more followers?” Dan asks, disgusted. “Grow up.”

“Aw, come on, you know what it’s like in the gay world,” Nick fires back. “It’s fucking vicious out there! I’ve gotta stay relevant! I need to keep up-”

Dan just ignores him and turns away. He chucks the drink, glass and all, into the sink below the bar. In the background, he vaguely hears Nick protesting as Matt drags him away, but he can’t bring himself to turn and see it.

This is insane.

Never in his wildest imaginings did Dan think that people would actually seek him out and attempt to pry information from him just because he’s vaguely associated with a moderately famous Instagram account. That one girl had even filmed the entire exchange.

It makes Dan feel sick to his stomach. He leans over the sink, watching the broken shards of glass gleam and glint in the swirling disco lights. He’s trying, over the thump of the bass, to remember what he said to her. Whatever his answers had been to Malibu girl’s interrogating questions, they’re now saved to someone’s phone.

A hand claps down on his shoulder, making Dan jump. Tyler is beside him, looking concerned.

“Matt just told me what happened, are you okay?”

Dan nods, slowly. Then, he shakes his head. “They were filming me, Ty. What did I even say? It all happened so quickly, I-”

Tyler wraps him in a hug; it helps, a little. “Shh, don’t worry about that right now.”

“I’m gonna have to tell him,” Dan says, cold realisation dawning.

“Tell Phil? About the girls, you mean?” Dan nods into Tyler’s shoulder. “Maybe. But it’s okay, you won’t have said anything that bad, I’m sure. There’s nothing to tell, right?” Dan bites his lip. “They’re just some fame-whores trying to get a slice of the action behind the scenes. You can tell Phil about it in the morning. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Dan sighs, wanting him to be right. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll ring him in the morning or something.”

Tyler pulls back to look him in the eye. “Whatever you said, it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you think, I’m sure. And hey, Phil’s a nice guy. He’ll understand.”

Dan nods, trying to calm himself with the sure, solid gleam in Tyler’s eyes. “Okay.”

*

On Sunday afternoon, Dan wakes up in Phil’s bed to a flurry of notifications on his phone. His followers haven’t stopped climbing since that first night Phil put him in his story; now, Dan’s follower count is in the hundred-thousands.

He checks his last photo, which is the one with Captain America and tea from Friday night. It has forty thousand likes. He reads the comments, covers balled up in one fist from nerves.

that’s phil’s place!! i recognise the rug!!! #phanisreal

dan is staying at phil’s! 

isn’t he in the maldives atm? dan must be housesitting :o

i’d know that hello kitty mug anywhere!! hows phil’s place treating u dan? ;) #phan

He closes the app quickly, half wanting to delete the entire thing off his phone. These fans are bloodhounds, obsessed with a scent of some rumour they caught a whiff of. ‘Phan’ is such an alien concept to Dan, still. How can these followers even justify it to themselves? It’s preposterous to think that Dan and AmazingPhil are anywhere near on the same level, let alone in a secret romantic relationship.

“Oh, shit,” Dan mutters, his heart sinking. He clicks onto his missed calls, noting that he has five,  all from Phil.

He swallows, trying to remain cool. There are some texts too, all of which came through whilst he was sleeping.

From: Phil To: Dan hey can you call me when you get a sec pls xx

From: Phil To: Dan did something happen last night at the bar? im getting a lot of messages… xx

From: Phil To: Dan ok… wanna let me know why #phan is trending worldwide?

From: Phil To: Dan have u seen what that girl @lucyintheskaii posted on twitter?? there’s a video of you. did you tell ppl that ur staying at mine? how did she find u?

From: Phil To: Dan dan i need to talk to u ur probs asleep and i get tht but im gonna skype u at 2pm your time. x

By the time he gets to the final message, Dan’s heart is pounding against his chest. He hangs onto that one final kiss, despite the fact Phil usually ends his messages with two. He glances at the time at the top of the screen, and curses, loudly.

It’s 13:59pm.

Before he can do anything to prepare, his phone is buzzing in his hand, notifying him of a Skype call coming through. He thinks seriously about declining, as he’s on the verge of a panic attack, but he reluctantly comes to a decision that not facing up to this would be far, far worse.

He accepts the call, and watches in mild horror as his own sleep-crumpled face and bare chest fills the screen. Then, Phil’s camera bursts into life, and Dan’s own image is replaced by something far more pleasing to the eye. He braces himself for Phil’s anger, having no idea what that would even look like.  

“Phil, oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Dan blurts. “I should’ve called you last night when I got back from work and told you what happened, but Tyler convinced me I should wait until morning, and I was just so exhausted, and I convinced myself the thing with that girl wasn’t that big of a deal, but obviously you have every right to be mad, I was so stupid and-”

“Dan, hey, hold up,” Phil says, voice raised to be heard over Dan’s ramble. “Calm down, I’m not mad. Why would I be? I’m worried about you.”

Dan blinks. “Why?”

For some reason, this makes Phil laugh. “Because you were ambushed by some deranged fangirls! And it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, Dan. I should never have said where you worked on my account. My fans are… intense.”

“Wait,” Dan says, confused. He sits up a little, trying to understand. “You’re not the one who needs to apologise. I said all that stuff to that girl! Her friend filmed it all. And she… did you say she put the video of it on Twitter? That’s awful, Phil, I’m such a fucking idiot, I-”

“Yeah,” Phil interrupts with a long sigh. “The Twitter video isn’t… ideal. But I’ve had literal nudes leaked before, Dan. I can handle you telling people I get a bit flirty IRL.”

Phil winks, and Dan blushes, partly because he’s only just now remembered telling that girl Phil is a flirt, and partly because he remembers the leaked nudes Phil is referring to. Not one of Dan’s proudest moments, searching the internet for those on incognito mode. He’d only found them once. And once was definitely enough; he’s not about to forget something like that.

“I guess,” Dan says, trying hard to focus on the situation at hand. “But I’m just so sorry for not realising what was happening, Phil. I should’ve known that girl was after something. I must’ve caused you so much stress.”

Phil shrugs. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

He’s too nice, that’s the trouble. Dan stares at the pixelated version of this beautiful man, wishing he could reach out for Phil’s hand. Phil would probably take it; he’s not opposed to touchy-feely stuff, and if he knew how badly Dan needed physical reassurance right now, he’d do it, Dan’s sure. Phil’s sitting at a table outside, on what appears to be a balcony overlooking a white sandy beach. There’s a light breeze ruffling his hair, and the sun is setting behind him. He has his chin in one hand, and a tiredness in his eyes.

Dan imagines he can smell the salt spray blowing through Phil’s locks. Stupid, soppy words are on the tip of Dan’s tongue, about how gorgeous Phil looks in the soft evening light, or how much it means to Dan that Phil’s deigning to so much as speak to him after he was so stupid with that girl, but right then, a door slams, hard. It comes from somewhere on Phil’s end, and it’s muffled, but it still makes Dan jump.

Phil looks towards the noise, sighing.

“What was that?”

“Charlie. He’s pretty annoyed about… this.”

Something heavy and blunt falls into Dan’s stomach. “Oh. I didn’t know Charlie was with you.”

Phil glances back at the screen. “Didn’t I say?”

Dan shakes his head. He would have remembered that small detail, he’s sure. Though he guesses it makes a little more sense now that Phil picked him to house-sit, as opposed to asking Charlie.

“So, Charlie’s annoyed with me, then,” Dan deduces.

Phil shrugs. “I think Charlie’s annoyed with everyone most of the time. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

“What’s he been saying?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Phil’s eyes avert from Dan’s.

From this small gesture alone, Dan can imagine exactly what Charlie’s saying.

Why are you even associating with that rando from the bar?

This is what happens when you stoop to their level, Phil!

He’s got the hots for you, and he’s gonna make up some bollocks about how you’re secretly fucking to bump up his follower count even more!

“Sorry I got you guys into a fight.”

Phil chuckles, but it sounds dark, hollow. “When are we not in a fight?”

So many words fight to push their way out of Dan’s throat. They want to scream that Phil is so much more than this, that he should realise his own worth and ditch Charlie for someone that deserves him. He swallows them down as best he can, creating a lump, the size of a boulder, in his throat.

Phil turns back to look at him, a sad smile on his face. Then, one eyebrow twitches, and he smirks. “Are you in my bed?”

Heat flames into Dan’s cheeks, and he attempts to pull the covers over his chest. “Fuck, sorry… I’ll wash the sheets and stuff-”

Phil is laughing, which cuts Dan off. “Dan, it’s okay. I said you could have the bed, didn’t I?”

“Well… yes, but-”

Phil yawns then, smiling sleepily at him. “You look cute under my covers. Wish I was there, to be honest.”

Dan’s heart spasms. He wonders if Charlie can hear what Phil’s saying, and whether Phil is only saying it to get a rise out of his boyfriend.

“It’s, um, very comfy. High thread count.”

Phil laughs again. “The thread count is top of my priorities.”

“So, is the shoot going okay and stuff?” Dan asks, wanting to move the subject into safer territory, so his heart rate can settle back into a human rhythm.

Phil shrugs. “It’s kind of difficult posing sexily on a beach with someone who currently hates my guts, but other than that it’s fine.”

Dan winces. “Is it that bad?”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Teleport me into the bed with you so we can watch Buffy and fall asleep?”

Another heart spasm. Another flush whipping into his cheeks. “Hah, I’ll…. see what I can do.”

There’s another door slam then, and Phil glances up, smile disappearing. “I’d better go.” He sounds reluctant. “I’ll call tomorrow, see how you’re holding up.”

“Okay,” Dan says. He shifts, still feeling guilty. “Seriously Phil, I don’t know how much of that video you saw, but… I’m sorry. I didn’t think. It won’t happen again.”

“I know, Dan. It’s my fault, I threw you in the deep end with all this stuff.” Phil smiles at him. “I forget sometimes that being friends with me isn’t as simple as it used to be. I come with a twin. His name’s AmazingPhil, and he’s kind of a jerk. Causes all sorts of trouble.”

Dan laughs at the analogy, shrugging one shoulder. “I kinda like him.”

“He likes you too,” Phil says, winking again. “It’s not your fault some girl attacked you over him though, Dan. You’re wonderful, okay? It’s everyone else who sucks.”

The corner of Dan’s mouth twitches. “Um, thanks. You… you too.”

“Enjoy your day off.” Phil waves. “Try not to worry about this. It’ll all blow over in two seconds anyway.”

“Okay,” Dan says, unsurely. “Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

The expression that flits across Phil’s face suggests that this is unlikely. “Thanks, Dan,” he says anyway, then blows a kiss, and is gone.

*

At around eight in the evening on Sunday, Charlie posts a photo to his Instagram account. Dan follows Charlie out of curiosity more than politeness, but he sees it in his feed, right at the top. It’s a photo of him and Phil, knee deep in the ocean, holding hands as they stare out towards the horizon.

Their silhouettes are perfect and symmetrical, their broad shoulders and tapered waists looking as if they’d been painted onto the streaky orange sky behind them. The picturesque image hits Dan like a punch to the stomach, dull and painful, winding him momentarily.

The caption reads:

happy anniversary baby <3

It’s been bombed with likes.

omg i didnt know you guys had an anniversary today!!!

congratulations charlie and phil! u r couple goals!! #chil4eva

so happy for you both! give phil a kiss from me cha ;) xx

#netflixandchil later guys?! ;) <3

A hot, stinging sensation burns in Dan’s retinas. He throws his phone to the couch, and doesn’t look at it again for the rest of the night.

*

Three more fame-hungry girls and nine more gossip-thirsty guys track Dan down over the course of Monday night. Tyler makes a sign for the bar counter that says ‘Want To Quiz The Bartender? Hope You Like The Taste Of Ass...phalt’, which helps a little, but doesn’t entirely ward off the AmazingPhil stans.

Dan just keeps his mouth clamped shut for the night. He’s not really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway. That photo of Charlie and Phil seems to be burned into the back of his mind; it’s there every time he so much as blinks, taunting him. He refuses to take his break halfway through his shift, sure that the photo will dance teasingly in front of his retinas for the whole twenty minutes.

It just makes so little sense. Phil had seemed beaten down by the weight of Charlie’s anger when he and Dan had Skyped last night. How is it that, hours later, they’re knee deep in the warm waves of a tropical beach, holding hands in celebration of their anniversary?

“Hey, you’re him right? Dan Is Not On Fire?” It’s a giggling pair of young guys this time, nudging each other forwards. “Phil is totally into you.”

The other one squeals, clapping a hand over the first one’s mouth. “Oh my God, I can’t believe my friend I’m so sorry.” He releases his hold on the other guy, laughing. “But seriously, we both ship Phan way more than Chil.”

It feels like a bolt in his chest, screwed too tightly, digging in just below Dan’s ribs. “Guys, do you wanna order something?”

“Oh, no, we’re seventeen,” one of them says, and the other one smacks him. “Shit, I shouldn’t’ve said that-”

“Matt!” Dan yells for what feels like the millionth time tonight. “Matt, get over here!”

“Wait, wait, can we just, like, get a selfie?” They’re snapping the photo before Dan can turn away, and he scowls at them both. “Thanks! Follow us on Insta!” They chirp, laughing, and are gone before Matt can push through the crowd.

Tyler throws a plastic cup after them, which Dan is grateful to him for. “We’re gonna need to hire more security at this rate.”

“It’ll blow over when Phil gets sick of me,” Dan says.

“Gets sick of you? He’s in here all the time!”

For now, Dan thinks privately.

He doesn’t reply out loud, he just turns to the next customer, who is, mercifully, just another regular. The realisation that Dan is coming to with the blow of each crushing Phil/Charlie couple photo, is that eventually Phil is going to seek out greener pastures.

Once he’s settled into Brighton, Phil will find his own social class of people to hang out with, people more like Charlie, that understand designer labels and spend their weekends at fancy  film premieres or in their second homes in Bali.

Up with the elite is where Phil belongs, even if Dan was able to tether him in the dirt for a while, playing Mario Kart and plying him with sugary alcoholic drinks. Dan is an ‘in-the-meantime’ friend, someone to pass the time with until he finds a better crowd. Someone to house-sit for him, and someone who doesn’t have a lot of free time, and is therefore low-commitment. There will come a time, Dan is sure, when he will once again be just a bartender to Phil. Sure, Phil will wave and chat when he comes into the bar, but they won’t hang out, and the fans that followed Dan out of curiosity will drop away like flies when they realise that Dan is simply… dull.

It will be difficult when it happens. But Dan won’t struggle against the current; he’s not stupid, and he’s been poor since he was a kid. He knows how society is separated into the wealthy and the not-so-much, and how the divide can rip through even the tightest of bonds.

He barely even knows Phil, still. There’s no doubt in Dan’s mind that one day, yet again he won’t know Phil at all besides the pictures that occasionally flash up on his phone.

*

On Tuesday morning, Dan wakes up earlier than usual. At first, he thinks it might be the seagull screeching right outside his window, but he’s lived in Brighton for years; it takes a lot of squawking to wake him.

He rolls over, still swathed like a baby in the thick covers of Phil’s bed, and immediately freezes, realising what it is that has woken him. There’s a body beside him, faced away. Even if Dan couldn’t recognise him by the shock of black hair, he’d know the bare, pale back, dotted with tiny freckles. He’d know the Emoji pyjama pants, and the shallow, even breaths that come out with a slight snore.

For a long, long time, Dan doesn’t move an inch. He just stares at the silhouette of the man he’s dreamed about laying next to for so, so long. He suspends his belief, and allows his mind to wander, to imagine that this is real, that Phil is his, and that he’ll roll over any second, give Dan a lazy smile, and kiss Dan’s world into colour.

None of this happens, obviously. So Dan just watches him, counting the minutes he gets to have this, and prays that it never ends.

(Part 8 !) 

[amazingdanielhowell]

We Should Be Friends

Based on this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OZeqcX1VyQ

Tw: alcohol/drunk phan for one scene

The moment the bell rang, Dan pushed himself out of his desk chair and zigzagged around the hoards of students beginning to crowd the hallway. The sound of lockers opening and closing made him move faster, squeezing through any available space he could find to get to his locker. He had to get there so he could ‘accidently bump into’ the new kid again. Despite school being in session for a handful of weeks now, Dan had only met the boy yesterday when he got to his locker and dropped a stack of papers he was holding. While most people pretended not to see so they wouldn’t have to help, the new kid bent down on his knees and helped Dan gather his notes.

“Oh, you don’t have to—,” Dan began, bringing his head up and meeting the most beautiful colored eyes he’d ever seen.

“No worries, it’s not a problem,” New Guy replied pushing himself off the floor. “Cool locker.”

Dan turned and looked at his locker door where he had hung a MCR poster he got from a magazine and the little white board his mum insisted he put on his locker so friends could leave notes which was as clean as the day she bought it.

“Yeah?” Dan replied, though it sounded more like a question.

“Yeah.”

New Guy smiled at Dan one more time before heading down the hallway. He didn’t mean to, but Dan watched New Guy, noticing that his locker wasn’t too far from his, but far enough that it would be weird for him to go down that way when the front entrance was in the opposite direction. Dan knew the only casual way he could talk to the him again would be to get to his locker before Hazel Valley’s newest student walked past. Nearly out of breath, Dan arrived at his locker and opened it, pretending to look busy while taking quick glances through a sea of students for a head of black hair.

“Hey!” Dan said too excitedly upon finding who he was looking for.

“Oh, hi,” the boy giggled.

“I—um, remember yesterday when my papers fell? I don’t think I said thank you,” Dan forced out trying his best to act natural. “So, thanks. For that.”

“You’re welcome,” the new kid smiled making Dan’s heart skip a beat. “I don’t think I introduced myself yesterday. I’m Phil.”

“I’m Dan,” he paused for a moment. “How are you liking HV?”

“It’s definitely bigger than my old school, but I’m getting used to it. I’m having more trouble figuring out what people do over the weekends here,” Phil admitted with a small laugh. “My parents keep pushing me to go out and do something but I have no idea where anything is.”

“I usually just stay at home and play video games, but every once in a while, someone will throw a party with insane amounts of alcohol which is always fun. I’m terrible to drink with in public though,” Dan laughed recalling a moment from the party right before school began where he woke up snuggling with a bottle of Malibu Rum in the middle of the host’s backyard.

“Well that’s definitely something I won’t be telling my parents I’ll be doing. If I ever get invited to a party I mean. Being the new kid in secondary school really sucks. Everyone already has their group of friends and aren’t really looking to make new ones.”

“I definitely can relate. Most of my friends from primary school didn’t come here so I had to figure something out. I know some people that are pretty great, but I kind of consider them acquaintances.”

“I wish making friends now was as easy as it was back in pre-school. You just tell a total stranger that they’re your friend and that’s it,” Phil half smiled. “Anyways, it was really nice talking to you, Dan. I hope I see you around.”

Dan smiled feeling his stomach churn. He found that talking to Phil was easy, so why can’t it be like pre-school? He knew he had to say something, but couldn’t find the right words, so instead he said, “I hope so too,” and watched Phil walk away towards his own locker.

Dan threw some books in his bag and threw it over his shoulder getting ready to leave when an idea popped into his head. He grabbed a pen from his pocket, sucked in a deep breath, and walked halfway down the hall to Phil’s locker before his brain could talk him out of it.

“Let’s make it like pre-school. I don’t know you, but I would love to meet you. I think that we should be friends,” Dan said quickly, grabbing Phil’s hand and scribbled his cell phone number on his skin.

Phil looked from his hand to Dan, his face breaking into a huge smile.

***

It had been a few months since that day; snow had fallen and covered the grass in a thick blanket of white only to be trampled by hundreds of boots from students running out, excited to begin winter break. People threw snow balls at each other as they exited the building while others looked absolutely miserable bundled up in layers of coats, hats, and scarves.

“Want to come over?” Phil asked Dan as they walked out of school together.

“Sure, just let me drop my stuff off at home.”

Since that first day, both boys had walked with each other to and from school after finding out Phil only lived a few blocks away from Dan. While they didn’t share classes, they made up for lost time during the day on their walks home which usually turned into Phil coming inside Dan’s house ‘just for a drink of water’ but somehow ended up in hours spent playing video games.

“Oh, mum and dad are leaving today to pick up my brother from uni so they won’t be back until Sunday. She demanded that I get proof from your mum that it’s okay you’re over without parental supervision,” Phil giggled, his cheeks turning red. “She’s weird about leaving her baby home alone for a few days so if you want to spend a couple nights, she would love you forever.”

Dan laughed knowing his mum wouldn’t mind him staying at Phil’s at all. In fact, all he would have to do is tell her he’d be spending a few nights there and call once or twice to let her know he’s still alive and she would be okay with that. Still, Dan promised to get it in writing for Mrs. Lester so that would be one less thing she would have to worry about.

After dropping his things off, getting his mum’s note, and packing an overnight bag, Dan and Phil made their way back to Phil’s house. Phil rang his mum and read Mrs. Howell’s note of approval and promised to stay out of trouble until they came back.

“Mum says thanks for spending the night with me,” Phil reported after hanging up the phone. “I swear, she treats me like I’m 6 sometimes.”

“All mums are like that,” Dan replied. “I’m sure mine would do the same to my brother if I were away at school. Perks of being the oldest.”

Phil rolled his eyes playfully at Dan trying to mask his face into one of disgust, though his smile gave him away. Making his way to the fridge, Phil moved some bottles around before pulling out a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses.

“Wanna play drunk Mario Kart?”

“Where did you get that?!” Dan asked in disbelief. “I never took you for a vodka drinker.”

“I asked Martyn to buy me something strong before he went back to school in the fall. Mum and dad think the bottle is his, and all it took was a month of chores, plus the cost of the bottle,” Phil smiled triumphantly. “We’re on break and that calls for celebration!”

“But vodka?” Dan asked, scrunching up his nose. “Why not rum? Or at least a flavored vodka?”

“Yeah, not my first choice either, but it has a high alcohol content so we’ll be feeling great after a few shots.”

“Fine, I’ll do shots with you, but I’m grabbing orange juice for a chaser.”

Grabbing the bottle of orange juice, both boys hopped up the stairs into Phil’s room. Despite knowing no one else was home, Dan still closed the door behind them.

*

“You’re fugging terrible at this,” Phil slurred 6 shots in.

“Shuddup,” Dan giggled crashing into a wall. “I’m still waaay better than you.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Yeah huh.”

“You’re dumb,” Phil laughed pushing Dan over who just fell to the floor and lay there rather than getting up.

“The room is spinning. Lay here with me, look.”

Phil plopped down on his back next to Dan and closed his eyes taking in Dan’s familiar scent mixed with alcohol.

“Boop, wake up,” Dan said in a high pitched voice poking Phil’s nose.

“I’m gonna bite your finger off,” Phil playfully threatened opening his eyes just enough to see Dan’s.

“Noooo you’re not cause it’s not a worm,” Dan burst out laughing. “Like when you were 8.”

“That was one time! Cause Martyn made me,” Phil pouted trying not to smile knowing he was failing anyways.

“That’s okay,” Dan finally replied wiping a fake tear from his eye once he calmed down. “You’re pretty. Your eyes are pretty. I like them. They’re like…I dunno, like pools or something. I could go swimming in them.”

“I like you, Dan,” Phil said suddenly, trying not to slur his words.

“I like you too,” Dan replied drunkenly.

“No, like…really. How like, you know how Ms. Mooney looks at Mrs. Bey but they can’t cause she’s married? Like that kind of like,” Phil explained.

“Oh,” Dan nodded trying to shake off his drunken haze.

“I’ve been scared to tell you because I like that you’re my friend and I didn’t wanna mess things up but now I’m drunk and I’m saying everything in my head.”

“I like you too. From the first day with the papers. That’s why I talked to you,” Dan admitted feeling his cheeks flush, though he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or finally admitting his feelings to Phil.

“Your face is red,” Phil laughed, poking his tongue out between his teeth.

“So is yours,” Dan rebutted trying to cover his face. “Are you still gonna like me when we’re sober?”

“Duh,” Phil said rolling his eyes. “I wish I told you I liked you sooner. Like when I was sober. Why didn’t you tell me you liked me?”

“Not telling,” Dan slurred shaking his head.

“Come ooon,” Phil begged. “You gotta tell me now!”

“Never ever, ever,” Dan snorted making a sloppy ‘lock and key’ motion with his hand.

“Not never ever, ever! Tell me!” Phil whined slowly pushing himself up so that he could climb on top of Dan. “I’m gonna tickle you.”

“You can’t mess with me, I’m drunk,” Dan laughed making absolutely no effort to get out from under Phil as he began wiggling his fingers over Dan’s stomach.

“You gotta!” Phil replied laughing along with Dan while doing his best not to fall over.

“Okay, okay!” Dan shrieked with laughter when Phil got to Dan’s neck making him arch his back up. “I’ll tell, I’ll tell! Just not the neck!”

Phil sat on Dan pulling his hands away from his neck and rested them on his chest to steady himself.

“I didn’t say because I thought you were so good. Like so pretty and nice. Just so stupidly perfect. And you would never like me back and I know I would miss you if you didn’t wanna be friends because I messed up and said the secret,” Dan stammered trying his best to make sense.

“You’re silly,” Phil giggled. “I would never stop being your friend.”

Both boys fell into comfortable silence for a few seconds before Phil spoke again.

“I can feel your heart beating.”

“That’s a good thing, I’m not dead,” Dan replied thinking it sounded much funnier in his head as he put one of his hands over Phil’s. “Can I kiss you?”

“Only if I can kiss you,” Phil smiled leaning down.

Due to his drunken state, Phil fell faster than intended and instead of kissing Dan, their noses bashed together making them erupt in a new wave of laughter as Phil rolled onto his bedroom floor.

“That was the worst first kiss attempt ever,” Phil breathed through giggles.

“Try again,” Dan smiled now that they were both lying on the floor on their sides.

“I did try, it’s your turn,” Phil challenged grabbing Dan’s hand in his.

“Let’s just lay here for a minute and get not drunk,” Dan decided. “Then I’m gonna kiss you so good.”

“So good,” Phil repeated as Dan rested his free hand on Phil’s cheek.

***

“Ugh, I hate this song!” Dan whined turning off the car radio. “Why is every song the same?”

Since starting their last year of school, Phil’s mum decided to let Phil drive the family car as long as Dan was with him to make sure he wasn’t being reckless. Both boys’ parents didn’t know about their relationship, not because they were afraid of their reaction, but because they knew they would never be left alone together if they told their parents they were more than friends.

“Hey, my car, my rules,” Phil joked turning the radio back on as he turned into Hazel Valley’s car park. “If you hate every song on the radio, why don’t you just write one yourself? Put those forgotten piano lessons to good use.”

“Playing a piece of music that’s already been written and writing the music myself are two very different things,” Dan giggled. “And it would probably sound like everything that’s already written because I have no creativity whatsoever.”

“You know that’s not true,” Phil replied as he pulled into an empty spot. “I heard if you write about something you love, it’ll just fall right out.”

“I can’t write lyrics! And I’m not writing a song about something I love because that ‘something’ is you and that’s what every song on the radio is about,” Dan smiled resting his hand over Phil’s.

“Every song on the radio is not about me,” Phil joked missing the point on purpose leaning in for a kiss from his boyfriend. “It could be romantic.”

“It definitely wouldn’t be,” Dan laughed. “It would be like, ‘hey I don’t know you, but I think that we should be friends for a few months then get really drunk when we’re 16 and make out.’”

“We didn’t make out. We didn’t even kiss! I fell on your face and almost broke both our noses,” Phil laughed loudly recalling his fondest memory with Dan.

“So romantic,” Dan smirked peppering a few more kisses on Phil’s face then neck.

“Don’t start this here,” Phil sighed wishing he could indulge. “We’ll get written up for being late again.”

“So?”

“So, they’ll call our parents and they’ll put the pieces together.”

“You really are a mood killer, you know that?” Dan pouted sitting back in the passenger seat. “But you’re right. Maybe during lunch we can come back in here and make out?”

“I can’t believe I ever thought there would be a romantic bone in your body Dan Howell,” Phil laughed hopping out of the car.

Dan climbed out behind Phil and followed him into the building, tucking his lyric-filled notebook under his arm promising to himself that he would finish the song he started writing the day after his hangover at Phil’s house.

[cherryphilblossom]

phan coming out headcanons

➤ during a liveshow, while they’re playing some game like overcooked and phil just says “babe!” loud because they were having a soft romantic day hours before and even tho he’s mad dan made them lose, he loves the boy too much. he almost misses the incredulous look dan is giving him. “oh shoot” is all he thinks.

➤ editing a video, smiling softly as he watches dan complain about how he almost fell off because of phil’s hair straightener that was on the floor in the middle of their room. “their”, dan said. phil bites his bottom lip, he’s so glad dan isn’t scared of saying things like that when the camera is on. if somehow that leaks, they will just deal with it, they’re not so scared anymore. part of phil hopes they’re finally getting ready to come out. he hears dan call him from the kitchen. he cuts that bit.

➤ of course someone else is going to out them. caspar and his terrible habit of vlogging everything. dan sighs while he watches caspar’s new vlog and in the background, kinda blurry but obviously dan and phil giggling and kissing each other’s noses. drunkeness and love making them so happy but so dumb. phil looks at him and shrugs. “want to buy a pizza?”

➤ dan is on tumblr, he sees a cute phanart, the caption is: “dan is enamored of his man, isn’t he?”. dan reblogs it and adds: “i really really am”.

➤ dan is watching the final version of their new gaming video. he spent hours editing it because their computer froze a lot and he just wanted to go to bed and cuddle with his boyfriend. they’re answering a quiz in the video when phil says: “i like our new bed, it’s better than the old one.”. dan finishes watching it and decides that tomorrow he’ll upload it. he goes to their bedroom and almost jump on their bed, and phil was right. it’s a really good bed.

➤ “are you cutting this?”, dan asks and phil frowns, confused to why wouldn’t he. dan is literally giving him a kiss on the cheek and calling him “so cute”. it’s not exactly a proof, but they’re dan and phil and their fans would never let it go. “maybe... just don’t cut it? it’s a cute part, i’m sure everyone will appreciate it.”. phil looks at his boyfriend, who is looking down. phil takes a deep breath, feeling his eyes water a little bit. 9 years. finally.

[herownsunshinefactory]

I don't really understand that mindset of seeing them as just touchy BEST friends. Like what about the vday video. What about the millions of tweets and flirty Skype calls. 'I want to be there so you don't have to be brave' 'Not all the blood was rushing to my head if you know what I mean' 'I think I have a crush on you' 'I love you' 'Forever please' believe it or not these are actually things dan and Phil said about the other person. I don't understand how you can't see them together

Hi anon! So, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and the truth is I can see them together. I believe Phan and just about any ship has the possibility of being real. Dan and Phil’s friendship, in particular, is unique and especially came off as flirty to me when I watched their earlier videos and read some of their old Tweets and learned about the V-day video. The only two things that hold me back are these. 

First and foremost, Dan and Phil themselves haven’t officially confirmed they have been or are in a relationship. They’re the main source of that knowledge, and until they say Phan was/is 100% real, I’m not going to confirm it, either.

My second reason for not totally believing in Phan is that a lot of the things they said and the touchy-feely stuff they did back then (and still do as seen in the PINOF 9 bloopers asldkfja) are quite relatable to me personally. My best friends and I flirt, cuddle, and tell each other things like, “I love you,” but aren’t romantically involved with each other. We’re close in a platonic way, and that’s exactly how I see Dan and Phil’s friendship (past and present). 

One thing I think the phandom (and other fandoms in general) forgets is that it’s completely okay and normal for best friends (particularly boys) to cuddle, hug, kiss, proclaim their love for each other, etc. without having any romantic/sexual interests in each other. Those acts of affection aren’t reserved for couples. They might be common amongst them, but best friends can do those as well. It all depends on consent and their comfort levels between each other. 

All that being said, I am relatively new to the phandom and don’t know everything there is to know about Dan and Phil. I honestly do like the idea of them being boyfriends and enjoy reading and watching videos of Phan theories/proof. Not to mention the fan art, edits, and fics are especially amazing. If you (or anyone else reading this) has more Phan proof, I’d love to hear about it. ^_^ I’m especially curious about the “I think I have a crush on you,” text. I feel like I’ve heard of it before but don’t remember where it’s from or who even said it. XD

[spagaytittie]

Accidental Kissing

Hi there! I’ve really wanted to start incorporating writing into my blog and this is my first real attempt. I wrote this on my own, and it’s just some phan fluff, but I’d love to write more if you guys want to send prompts or anything like that <3

Summary: Phil has a crush on Dan and during a gaming video Phil might accidentally kiss him.

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone or anything in this writing other than the writing itself

Please don't repost this anywhere or claim it as your own <3

~~~~

Phil likes to consider himself a pretty simple guy. He likes most food, other than cheese, he’s single and doesn’t mind his friends nagging him about it, isn’t picky about the furniture his roommate buys randomly, even when they don’t have anywhere to put it, he doesn’t even care if his room is a mess.

That’s where Dan Howell, said roommate, comes in and ruins it. Dan who wants everything perfect, gets irritated at Phil for eating his cereal, wants Phil to keep his room clean, is picky about where they go out for dinner, wants gaming videos done a very specific way, has to live stream at the same time every week. He also happens to be the most beautiful human being Phils ever laid eyes on.

Phil never thought he was one to stare or to get nervous around anyone, but Dan just makes him feel like an entire zoo's worth of butterflies lives in his stomach. He can deal with this crush when they eat, or when they watch movies, or when they film normal videos, but Dan has this habit that makes it nearly impossible to just ignore it.

When they film gaming videos and Phil does something wrong, or suggests something that Dan doesn’t understand, or just confuses Dan in general, Dan has a habit of just getting in his face. So close he can practically feel his heartbeat.

Today is one of those days.

They’re filming another sims video and Phil is continuing on as he usually does. Dan has been extra clingy today. It’s as if Dan woke up and lost all sense of personal space. This is fine, normally, but when they film gaming videos Phil has to be extra cautious.

The entire recording, Phil has been watching Dan in his peripheral vision basically with eagle eyes. He knows Dan will be in his space today, and Phil is prepared for that.

Until he isn’t.

“I think it will be fun for him!” Phil is saying, wanting Dan to mind control the poor, unknowing sim, Bob Pancake to change into his swimwear. He took this moment to relax some, not focusing as hard on Dan as he had been the rest of the video as Dan hadn’t really done anything yet and Phil figured one second wouldn’t hurt. What could happen in one second?

So much can happen in one second. What happens has Phil seeing things in slow motion. Every sense seems to heighten, he feels every brush of Dan’s warm skin, every sound of the mouse clicking, he even feels like he can smell the rain outside from the morning drizzle, that scent quickly taken over by Dan.

Dan has such a specific smell that Phil’s sure he could pick it out in a lineup, as odd as that may be. Phil doesn’t think he could ever explain what Dan smells like, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget it either. He’ll be 80 and dying and he’ll still remember exactly what Dan smells like.

Phil turns his head to see what’s changed and he’s too aware of what’s going to happen but his brain can’t keep up with his eyes. There’s nothing he can do to stop the feeling of Dan’s warm breath against his mouth, everything feeling warm and smooth, and Phil can’t hear anymore, can’t see. He can’t even really feel anymore, only Dan’s lips on his.

The next few moments are moments that Phil wants to memorise. Wants to put in a picture frame and re-experience over and over. He wants to remember the way Dan tastes like dark chocolate and mint, the way he smells like he always does, but times ten, the way he feels so smooth and yet still rough from a lack of chapstick or water that day. Phil can’t hear anything but his own heartbeat, way too loud in his head.

And then it’s gone. His senses are coming back, everything rushing into its rightful place.

“Shit, Phil, I’m sorry.” he hears Dan speak, but it’s too loud and too quiet all at the same time. He finds himself shaking his head before his can ever really process, and his mouth is talking by itself, saying what Phil’s thinking without his consent and he hears his own voice say “Do it again.”

And the feeling returns. This time, Phil can do something, can really respond to all of the senses. Phil reaches up for Dan’s face, holding him close, keeping him, digging his fingertips into Dans cheek with one hand and balling up Dans shirt in the other, feeling his slightly rough unshaven skin and soft cotton shirt that he’s pretty sure Dan spent too much money on, afraid that if he lets go, it ends, and he wakes up and it will all just be a dream.

But as Dan pulls away a second time, and Phil opens his eyes he sees nothing has changed. It’s real. He actually just kissed Dan Howell. Twice.

Phil blinks at Dan, waiting for something. Anything. He searches Dan's face, looking for some regret, or some enthusiasm, some emotion. Phil always thought he could read Dan, know how he felt pretty quickly, but at this moment he isn’t getting anything. When he doesn’t get any response, physical or verbal, he decides to just go with a simple “Hi.”

Dan's lips twist up, his dimple showing stronger that Phils seen in a long time and at any other moment Phil would have said something about it, commented, cracked a joke, but he instead stayed silent. “You are such an idiot. Phil, I’ve been hoping you’d make a move for the last two weeks. What do you think I am, blind? I see the way you watch me.” Phil continues to blink at Dan, not believing his ears.

“What?” Phil asks, hoping for some clarification, expecting his brain to be messing with him.

“I like you too, you dummy,” Dan says, smiling and shaking his head.

“You… like me? Like… as more than a roommate best friend?” At these words, Phil hears Dan laughing. “Yes, as more than a roommate best friend.”

“Oh…” Phil feels his cheeks heat up, his ears getting hot. How could he have not seen that? Was Dan that good at hiding his emotions around Phil? Clearly, Phil wasn’t any good at hiding his, so that must be the answer.

Dan pulls Phil closer this time just kissing him briefly, not even really kissing him, just letting their lips brush. Then, Dan speaks so softly, as if only speaking for Phil, as if someone else could possibly hear them in their empty apartment. “I say we turn off the camera and go watch a movie and kiss a little more.”

Phil had completely forgotten about the fact the camera was on. The game was still playing, the world was still moving around them as if Phil’s entire body hadn't just gone to another planet and back.

“So… what does this make us?” Phil asks before he agrees to anything at all. Dan grind and thinks for a moment. “Well, we can be whatever you want, but I’d really love if you’d maybe be my boyfriend,” Dan says, chucking a small bit at Phil's nerves, as if he and Dan had never spoken to each other before, had never seen each other before or had to make decisions or important life choices.

“Daniel, I would be honoured to be your boyfriend,” Phil says before laughing at himself. “This is all super cheesy and cliche, nobody will ever believe this story.” He continues to laugh and dan nods, laughing as well and nuzzling into Phil's neck.

“That’s ok, we have proof,” Dan motions to the camera and grins, “speaking of which, I think we should probably cut this out of the video.”

[peachgreenteelemonade]

untitled (waking up)

Fandom: Dan and Phil

Summary: when did Dan stop being happy

(A/N) A parent!Phan AU where Dan and Phil haven’t made videos in 10 years, and Dan realizes something in his life is missing.

Scene 1: in which one, Daniel Howell, realizes his life is quite different than he believed it to be

School then soccer then ballet then theater then back home, Dan was beginning so feel a bit like a chauffeur for his daughter Susie.  Phil, that lucky spoon, had never learned to drive, and therefore, got to stay at home and watch anime while Dan ferried their 8 year old daughter across London every evening.  Logically, Dan knew that Phil was probably editing, not watching anime, but his overtired, bitter mind wasn’t choosing to be logical.

Dan loved his daughter, so much, but as she chattered nonstop in the backseat while Dan slowly drove them home through the seemingly endless London traffic, he just wished desperately for some peace and quiet.

“And then Jeremy H. told her that she shouldn’t brag so much, and I agreed because she brags quite a lot.  I don’t care about how her mother bought her a polly-plays-a-lot for her birthday…well not a million bajillion times!  But still I told Jeremy to cut it out because those are the rules of best friendship…” and she continued on and on.  Dan’s eyes drooped then snapped open as a bicycle swerved in front of his car.  He slammed on the breaks and honked.

“Hey!” He yelled, but the man just cycled off, flipping him off.  “Fucking…” Dan mumbled under his breath so his daughter couldn’t hear.

“Dad?”  Susie asked, leaning up to look at him in the front seat.  “Did you hear me?  You have to come to class on Wednesday and help Mr. Thompson get my costume.”

“Oh,” Dan sighed internally, “alright.  Is there a recital coming up soon?”

“Yes! I was just telling you!”  Susie sounded exasperated.  “Our All Hallows Eve concert is next week!  That’s why I’ve been practicing at home so hard.”  She crossed her little arms.

“Oh that’s great honey!”  Dan replied absently.  Why hadn’t he known that?  That Susie had been practicing for something so hard.  He guessed that he’d been a bit too busy disappearing to his office as soon as he got home and browsing the internet for half the night.

He just…hadn’t noticed.

He hadn’t noticed much about his daughter lately, he realized with something like a shiver running down his back as he braked again.  His insides felt cold, was this who he was becoming?  His parents loved him as a child, he knew, but they never seemed to show it quite as much as Dan had longed for them to.  

Was he doomed to repeat the same parenting cycle?

“Daddy’s been helping me practice all my moves in the lounge.  He says I dance better than anyone he’s ever seen!”

Dan stared straight ahead.  “That’s wonderful baby, I’m sure you’ll outshine everyone else on stage.”  The rest of the car ride passed in a blur, Susie chattering away about the various skill levels of the kids in her class.

As they got out of the car in front of their townhouse, Dan tried to put his dark thoughts out of his mind.  He was probably over exaggerating everything in his exhausted state.

“Daddy!”  Susie yelled and ran into Phil’s arms as soon as Dan unlocked the door.

“Susie Susie Lou, how do you do?”  Phil laughed as he picked up their daughter and swung her around a bit.  

Dan stood back in the doorway a bit and smiled fondly.  See…nothing was wrong.  They were a happy, perfect family.

“We’re practicing our dances again!  And Mr. Thompson told me I was doing really really well!"  Susie exclaimed as Phil set her down on the counter and gave her some crisps as a snack.

“I knew you were!”  Phil responded, a gigantic grin on his face.  

“I’ll practice extra hard every night Daddy!  I want to be the best dancer in the world!”  Susie exclaimed, jumping and almost falling off the counter.

“Woaah,” Phil steadied her.  “You can do whatever you believe Susie Lou, but know I’ll be proud of you no matter what,” he rubbed his nose against her tiny one and Dan felt something warm flutter up in his stomach.

“I knew you would say that,” Susie giggled.  “I told dad you thought I was the best in the world.”

“Oh did you?”  Phil turned and met Dan’s eyes.  There was a small smile on his face, but for some reason it didn’t feel like the emotion reached his eyes.  Dan felt something like uncertainty drip down his back in a cold shiver.

“Yeah, he didn’t know we practiced here at night, or that my recital was coming up!”  Susie pouted and Phil’s brows furrowed, his eyes still locked on Dan’s.  Dan felt like he was trapped in place, pinned under the proof that he hadn’t been as attentive as a good father would have been.  As Phil had been.

“Well, your dad can be forgetful sometimes.” Phil turned away and Dan sighed in relief, but he also felt lost.  Like Phil’s blue eyes had been the tether keeping him tied to the docks, and now he was floating away in a storm.

Dan shook his head, what was happening to him?

“Please, please a show before dinner?”  Susie was whining at Phil as she finished up her snack and scampered over into the lounge.

“Alright,” Phil chuckled, following her into the room and turning on one of their many Disney movies.

As he watched his daughter and husband get excited over the beginning of Tangled, Dan finally stepped out of the doorway and made his way into the kitchen and began to make cup of coffee.  His hands moved on autopilot.  Coffee, cream, sugar.  Soon enough he had a mug of steaming coffee in his hand, but all he could do is stare.  How long had it been since he’d made Phil a cup of coffee, since he’d spent time with Phil.

“Uh oh, those are some existential crisis eyes,” Dan startled as Phil slipped into the room, some coffee slopping over onto his hand.

He sucked in air through his teeth.

“Oops,” Phil rushed to get him a cold rag to wipe the scalding liquid off.  “Sorry, that was my fault.  Didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“No, its alright” Dan said, feeling too big for his own skin, uncomfortable with Phil so close to him.  “Why do you say that though?  I haven’t had an existential crisis in years.”

“Yeah I know,” Phil laughed a little and backed up to the other side of the kitchen, the dirty rag twisting around and around in his long, thin fingers.  “You just seemed to be thinking hard about something.”

“Oh,” Dan took a sip of his coffee, relishing the burn of it down his throat.  They were silent for a moment, Dan’s eyes locked on the floor tiles and Phil’s looking out the window.  “Do you miss it?”  Dan blurted out, his eyes darting up to meet his husband’s.  “My existential crises?”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed and a slightly confused smile flitted across his face.  “Do I miss you staring at a wall for hours, trying to decide if life was worth living?”  He laughed a little uncomfortably and Dan looked away.  “I can’t say that I do.”

“Oh.”  When was the last time Dan had even thought about the universe?  Thought about anything other than the present moment. “I, um…”

“I’m just going to make some dinner for Susie,” Phil interrupted, setting the rag on the counter behind him and wiping his hands on the legs of his old, fading, (slightly too skinny for a 41 year old) jeans.  

“Okay,  I’m going to-“

“Go to your room and scroll through tumblr until 4 in the morning,” Phil laughed.  “Not that much has changed in the last ten years Dan.”

But it had.

read the rest on ao3

[jestbee]

Trope-A-Dope #1

@killingmeitsso2yearsago said: One of my favourite is when one of them is doing a liveshow and somehow they slip up and they coming out live :-)

I loved this, so I made it a 5 + 1 (I know, how many more times am I gunna do this with a simple prompt?)

Enjoy!

And don’t forget to Send me prompts for this project with the most-used Phanfic tropes.

It’s Worth Deciding

(~5k, Fluff, coming out, 5+1)

The five times Dan and Phil nearly came out in a live stream. And the one time they did.

Title from Half Life by Duncan Sheik: “Before the truth goes back into hiding I want to decide ‘cause it’s worth deciding”

AO3 LINK

1.

It was a stupid idea really. He should have known better than to move the time of his show without telling Dan, but he really had wanted to finish the level of the game he was playing before he started and Dan was usually tuned in in the next room anyway. Except this time.

This time Dan had gone to see Louise and had come home at 9pm expecting Phil to be finished with his live show and ready to settle down on the couch for the evening, had set about making them dinner, oblivious to the fact that Phil was still maintaining a one sided conversation with thousands of subscribers in their living room.

It wasn’t his fault, it was barely Phil’s, but Dan didn’t hear Phil talking and Phil hadn’t told him that he’d decided to move the live show to half 8. Consequently, he was still live to around 15,000 people when Dan came storming into the living room carrying a jar of pasta sauce and one of curry.

“Pasta or curry, babe?”

Phil whipped his head up. Dan was out of shot, standing off behind the laptop, but his voice was instantly recognisable to the thousands of people watching.

The chat was awash with ‘Is that Dan?!’ and ‘OMFGOD DID he just call Phil Babe?!!!!!’ it was moving so quickly Phil could only just make each message out before another one appeared.

Dan was quicker to react than Phil, jumping in front of the screen waving the jars and laughing it off.

“This guy” Dan said gesturing to Phil with one of the jars. Phil isn’t sure which one. “Slave driver, I tell you. You lose one little game of rock paper scissors and I have to cook his stupid dinner…”

“Fair’s fair” Phil said distractedly as he watched the chat still moving at lightening speed.

Dan stayed until the end. Moving the conversation on to commenting on other questions from the chat. Phil wasn’t sure they were even real, but he mostly just let the moment wash over him.

They ignored it, like they always did. Tumblr debated the audio clips of it for a few weeks, arguing over whether Dan’s voice had said ‘babe’ or ‘mate’. It became another thing in their history, more dubious ‘proof’ dragged out at random intervals but neither of them acknowledged it again.

Nothing really changed except that Phil didn’t forget to tell Dan when he moved his live show anymore and after that, Dan always left a moment’s pause before saying anything upon entering a room. It was another adaption they made, another concession to their ongoing secret keeping and it didn’t really bother them, much.

This is what they’ve decided.

2.

Rule one of a Dan live show: never take anything he says seriously. He’d tried to hammer this point home over the years, mostly he was successful and the ambiguity worked well with his branding. The end result was that most things he said were taken out of context, but they weren’t said with much context anyway so it usually didn’t matter so much.

Live shows were always a cause of mild anxiety for Dan, which is probably why he kept everything so blurry, fell unexpectedly into pseudo-intellectual rants and ‘accidental’ life advice.  

Phil obviously planned his, bringing props and conversation starters, as he often did in real life interactions, whipping out unexpected animal facts at the mere hint of a dip in activity. Dan planned too, but he planned what to say, wrote down bullet points of which life events he could talk about, referred to videos and tweets, inane stories about domestic tidbits that fueled the chat just enough to keep them from insisting he answer the bigger questions. In short, he walked a fine line kept only in tact because he tried his damn hardest not to be caught off guard.

Which is why a combination of tiredness and rushing causes him to unravel.

He’d run in from a busy day, barely had time to even log in to the site and battle with error messages and agonising loading times before his own face is staring back at him from the screen and he realises he’s forgotten his trademark post-it with acceptable anecdotes, left it on the desk upstairs in the office where it sits uselessly on their wall calendar.

It isn’t too much of a big deal at first. The chat is mostly tame, asking him how he is and about tweets he’d posted in the last week and the video they’d uploaded on the gaming channel and he manages to stay within the realms of acceptable.

But he’s tired. So tired from the day and running about and all he wants is to crawl into bed beside Phil who he knows is sleeping off a headache in the next room. He hasn’t been home all day but Phil had text him earlier to say that he was experiencing one of the bad ones and that he was going to take pain killers and get into bed early.

And Dan hadn’t been able to come home yet, being in so much of a rush from the meetings he’d had to attend alone, which meant he hadn’t even had chance to go and see him before he had to start the stream, so when he sees the five hundredth ‘get Phil’ appear in the chat he’s almost had enough.

“I can’t get Phil” Dan says with a sigh, “He’s asleep in the bedroom.”

It takes him much longer than it should before he realises his mistake. <i>The.</i> It’s simple. It should be <i>his</i> or <i>Phil’s</i> but it’s not. It is The really. The room he’s in now is, for all intents and purposes, Dan’s bedroom. In the sense that all his clothes and stuff are stored in here and all of Phils are stored in the other one, but they don’t sleep in here.

Perhaps if one of them is feeling particularly insomniac that evening they will, or when they are trying to avoid the inevitable sharing of germs when one of them gets sick, or for appearances when people not in their inner circle stay after house parties. They even, on occasion, make a show of sleeping apart after some stupid fight or other but it’s only a matter of time before one of them is crawling in beside the other, pressing cold toes against warm shins and sliding into each other’s arms with hushed sorrys and gentles kisses.

It’s all over the chat. It’ll be all over the internet come morning in ‘Phan proof’ compilation videos and gif sets and god knows what else. He’ll have the phrase ‘asleep in the bedroom’ tweeted at him for weeks and it’s enough to make him exhausted of it all. He ends the show early and doesn’t even bother to tidy up. Simply shuts his laptop, turns out the lights and makes his way to Phil’s bedroom.

He strips down to his boxers, lifts Phil’s laptop from his side of the bed and crawls in beside him.

“I don’t think it’s that bad.” He hears whispered into the dark.

“God, you were watching?”

Dan feels Phil shrug as he slips an arm over his waist. “I haven’t seen you all day.”

“Missed me eh?” Dan tries to chuckle, “You’re such trash for me.”

Phil rolls over to face him in the dark and nods. “Since the first time I saw you on skype. Kind of reminded me of when you used to ramble on while I fell asleep.”

“Yeah I was incoherent and stupid then too.”

“No,” Phil says, sliding his nose against Dan’s and dipping to kiss him softly, “You were perfect.”

He’s soppy and sleepy from the painkillers. Drowsy and beautiful in the dim light and Dan hugs him softly into his chest, heated skin again his.

There’s some silence as Phil lets his eyes drift shut again, relaxing into Dan’s arms, legs mingled together beneath the sheets.

“You really think it won’t be that bad?”

“No,” Phil sighs, “I think it will. And you’ll get it worse than I do as always, but we’ll ignore it and it will go away.

“Right.” Dan agrees faintly, because that’s what they do. “Is your head still bad?”

“Hmm” Phil says without opening his eyes.

Dan slides one hand into Phils hair and strokes it lightly, running his fingers over his temples and forehead. “Better?”

Phil hums at the contact and Dan continues stroking until his breathing evens out and he’s soft and pliant in his arms. He stayed there, a hand in Phil’s hair and the darkness of <i>the</i> bedroom surrounding them and they don’t decide anything, but then they don’t really need to.

3.

Phil doesn’t mean to. All he did was answer the phone to his mum like he had done numerous times before, always with the rushed ‘I’m in a live show’ at the beginning. Not that he’s afraid she’ll say anything, because she never would usually, there’d be no reason for her to and yet…

“Hi mum I’m in a–”

“I can’t stop love,” his mum barrels on over the top of his warning, “I’ve got so much to do. I just wanted to check whether you two are still coming up this weekend.”

“Yes but–”

“Good. Wouldn’t want you third wheeling with Martyn and Cornelia.”

“Err… Great. Yeah. Got to go mum, I’m in a liveshow.”

“You’re what–”

And phil puts the phone down. He doesn’t think he’s ever put the phone down on his mum before.

It’s not what she said exactly. Because the fact that Phil is bringing <i>someone</i> to his parent’s house this weekend, someone who will stop him being a third wheel, doesn’t mean that its Dan. But the implication is there. And the fact that he’d be third wheeling alone doesn’t mean that the person making him not be a third wheel is his own date. But the implication is there. So it stands to reason that nothing his mum said would imply that Dan is coming, as his date, to a wedding of a family friend and they’re staying at his parent’s house this weekend. But the implication is there.

And it’s that implication that makes him put the phone down and become distracted and lackluster for the rest of the show. It’s there in the comments, the speculation and the questioning, but Phil tries to ignore it. It’s the usual tactic.

“It shouldn’t be a big deal though” Dan says later when he’s hopped up on the counter next to Phil who is stirring spices into chicken in a pan.

“It shouldn’t” Phil agrees, “But that’s our life I guess. It’s the price we pay.”

“You always say that. But, I mean, would it be a big deal if we just, didn’t censor this stuff?”

Phil rests the spoon on the edge of the pan.

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know, exactly” Dan admits, “Just that it’s fucking stupid that I can’t go to a wedding with my boyfriend without thousands of people on the internet commenting on it.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s quite as simple as you’re reducing it to there but… in a way you’re right.”

Dan huffs and Phil moves the pan from the heat, turns off the stove and moves to wiggle between Dan’s knees. He slides his hands to the tops of Dan’s thigh and squeezes gently.

“One day it will be that simple” Phil promises with a casual kiss pressed to the end of Dan’s nose, “One day we’ll just be able to say we’re going to a wedding and everyone will think we’re boring and be so over it that no one will even tweet us.”

“So we’re closeted and popular or out and no longer relevant. Great positive outlook on our future there Philly.”

Phil pouts and puts his arms securely around Dan’s waist.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean then?”

“I meant that one day it won’t be a thing. We’ll be out and happy and everyone will just be used to it. It won’t be news.”

Dan sighs and ducks his head to rest his forehead on Phil’s shoulder.  “How do we get to your magical utopian future?”

“I don’t know,” Phil says honestly. “But we will.”

It feels like a decision. It’s not something they’ve vocalised before, at least not to each other,  but it’s out there now, swimming around them, tempting and vibrant.

“I want to go to there,” Dan whispers, only smirking slightly.

“Stick with me,” Phil assures him, “I’ll get us there.”

4.

YouTube parties. There’s a certain unspoken pact that everyone enters into in the environment that makes them drop their guard. It’s an unspoken rule that cameras are to be left abandoned out of sight. They all need a moment of reprieve, of being out in the world without fear, not trapped behind locked doors, hidden and secretive. They can share themselves with this corner of the world, because it isn’t just them that are tucking themselves back away as soon as the cameras come out.

And so they relax. Slips fingers between fingers, step into each other’s space, touch longer, smile wider and drop the pretence that so often lingers over them. They are not careful, because they don’t need to be.

Beyond the bubble they’ve created is the circling hazard of inexperienced youth. Unbeknownst to them a 16 year old YouTuber, new to the scene and recently denied the pleasure of ordering alcohol at this party, decides to make a name for himself. He loads up the live stream section of instagram and announces in a hushed voice, face illuminated by neon flashing lights, that he’s going to expose the reason why no one vlogs at YouTube parties.

They aren’t the only ones he captures on camera that night. A few other secrets are exposed, and in much higher definition than they had been. But even the blurry image of their backs, bodies pressed together from shoulder to hip, arms slung carelessly about each other, faces dipped close, is recognisable enough to send a shockwave through various social media platforms.

Tumblr blogs zoom in tight, Twitter accounts make their profile pictures this solitary still image of two dark haired blurs leaning towards each other. It’s not proof, but it’s damning anyway.

It doesn’t last, and neither does the young YouTuber’s career, but it’s enough to stir a conversation that’s long overdue.

“We need to decide.” Phil announces.

Dan doesn’t need to ask what about. “We do.”

“I have absolutely no idea how though.”

Dan shrugs, “Me either. We’ve sort of backed ourselves into a corner haven’t we?”

“Liars or hypocrites,” Phil agrees.

It’s a phrase they’ve said so many times over the years. They come out and they’re liars. Judged for keeping a secret that formed in the early days, when they were trying to protect the fragile, sacred thing they’d been building. Just holding it back between them until it felt more solid, more permanent.

So they lied, by omission if not by the constant use of ‘friend’ when they meant ‘partner’, ‘lover’, ‘everything’. By the time it felt real enough that they could have shared it, it was too late. Their careers and lives twined so tightly but so precariously that any tiny shift could mean eternal ruin, especially when they’d made so many sacrifices, taken so many risks, just to have a chance at it.

They come out and they’re liars. Or else they keep their secret and they’re hypocrites.

They have chanted a constant litany of self acceptance through the years. The mantra of ‘do what makes you happy’ put forth from both of them in various and prolific ways and it’s a small irony that they don’t take their own advice. But they’re never actually decided that this will be their lot forever, have never actually drawn a line in the sand that they’ll never step over.

They can be one, or they can be the other, and as the tweeted replies, tumblr tags and youtube comments roll in, each touting one blurry image as a demand for satisfaction to a question that has been asked more times that they would ever dare to count, they have to decide.

5.

In the end it’s not quite an accident, but not yet a conscious effort. They simply stop… trying. They don’t lower their guard, don’t start flaunting about everything they hold most precious, but they do stop the obvious denial and argumentative contradiction.

It’s a joint live show because they have news. There will be a video too but they’ve wanted to express it more fluidly, to feel an instant response perhaps rather than dragging themselves through the  effort of shooting and editing and waiting while the comments load. Instead they huddle close together on their couch, framed from the waist up and full of happy, excited smiles.

“So we’ve got some news,” Phil says about 40 minutes in, swiping his fringe back into place with the side of his fingers. It’s nervous habit that Dan grins at fondly.

“That’s right you fiends, hold on to your trashy bedazzled hats cus me and Phil, we’ve got some pretty big news.”

Phil wants to roll his eyes, because Dan playing up to a camera is just so typical but it’s something he’s grown so accustomed to over the years. So much so that now he’s exasperatedly fond of his weird over-egged danisnotonfire personality.

“Why are their hats bedazzled?”

“I don’t know,” Dan says with a side eye to the camera, “You’d have to ask them. Weirdos.”

“You can’t call them weirdos, Dan.”

“Course I can Philly. They’re weirdos, with their weird kinky group chat names and their meme trash shitposts. Yeah…” he leans closer to the laptop, pointing an accusing finger, “you know who you are.”

“Dan, Dan, stop.” Phil says with a tender hand on his arm, “Sit back down.”

“Fine Phil, protect those smol beans.”

“I will.” Phil coughs, “Err… so, news.”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to tell them?”

“Macie in the chat says HURRY UP, OMFG.” Dan laughs. He’s clearly enjoying the build up.

Phil is too, but he’s unnaturally nervous about it for some reason, there’s a lot sort of riding on it and they have no way to tell how people will react. The live show chat is just a tester anyway, so they can prepare for the onslaught when they actually do put out a proper video tomorrow. By that time it will be all over the internet anyway, and hopefully people will be used to the idea.

So Dan’s worried and is over acting everything. Swinging from one extreme to the other, loud and brash and fidgeting with things just out of eyeline of the camera. He’s distracted like he always gets when his head is full of the ‘what ifs’ and Phil is distracted by Dan.

Which is why he can be forgiven for jumping the gun and letting the phrase ‘we bought a house and we’re moving and we won’t be in this flat anymore’ spill from his mouth like rainwater where they’d agreed they’d remain ambiguous on the exact capacity in which they had acquired said new living quarters. They’d planned to hint at renting again, they’d planned to say ‘we’ in a way that didn’t imply they had made a huge real estate investment. Together. With joint finances.

They hadn’t planned to lie, just skirt around the truth. Phil, instead, had blurted it all out.

But they don’t see the expected explosion of ‘Phan is real’ in the chat, though it’s most certainly there. Instead it’s crammed between the barrage of ‘OMG’ and ‘I’m so happy for you guys’ and ‘yay storage’.

People are happy. And they aren’t focussing on the lie, aren’t calling them out on everything that has previously gone unsaid or been blatantly refuted, instead they’re focussing on the future and what is to come.

It’s harder when the video lands, and they receive far more of the expected commentary on the situation, even though they tried to tamper the message slightly so that not so much of them is exposed. Settling for, ‘we’re moving to a new place’ rather than Phil’s original, but more revealing, statement.

But the initial flood of positivity fills them with hope that it might not be as bad as they fear, and when they close the laptop lid after the live show and grin at each other with a sheen to their eyes they’ll deny later, they don’t need to voice their decision out loud.

+1 

“Hello” they say in unison.

“I almost said DanAndPhilGAMES and panicked that I hadn’t thought of a name” Phil laughs.

“Why would you–” Dan start in a high pitched voice, “No, best not to ask. Hi everyone, welcome to the live show.”

“I’m just used to doing it when you’re sat next to me,” Phil shrugs, grinning widely and spinning in his desk chair slightly.

“Oh cus of the computer chairs?” Dan asks, “Grace in the chat wants to know why we’re sat in the computer chairs and where are you and Blah blah blah. All in good time Grace, all in good time.”

“You can’t keep them hanging.”

“Can’t I?” Dan says, rubbing his hands together.

“No.” Phil shakes his head defiantly in Dan’s direction before turning back to the camera. “You guys know we’re in our new house and this,” he waves his hands about manically, circling the blank space behind them, “Is going to be the new gaming room.”

“Yeah, totally snazzy background. Don’t worry, we won’t be leaving it like this is just things are hectic people, there’s only so many boxes of stuff I can lug about before it becomes like, actual exercise.”

“I know my arms are killing me,” Phil demonstrates by wiggling his arm, “When did we get so much stuff?”

“I don’t know. But anyway, I’ve got lots of ideas about the aesthetic of this background, I can feel the creative juices flowing and…”

“Dan.” Phil interrupts. “The people just want the sofa bed back.”

“Well too bad you little shits, cus it’s gone.”

“Yeah, it was so broken guys, it never recovered from when Dan broke it so it was a casualty of the move. Like, the minute we tried to move it…” he makes a breaking noise.

“When I broke it?” Dan’s mouth falls open, “Right guys, write in the chat who you think broke the sofa bed.”

They watch it scroll for a moment.

“See.”

“I didn’t break it.” Phil insists, “I didn’t.”

“Whatever Philly. Megan wants to know when they’ll get a house tour.” Dan read, “We just moved in so probably not for a while. We have boxes everywhere, I don’t know how we’re going to get to the bed.”

“I know,” Phil responds without missing a beat, because this had been the plan, their decision to do it with as little fanfare as possible. “I swear the bedroom is the worst. Emily in the chat says ‘make a box fort’ that’s a brilliant idea.

“Nope. I can see you getting excited about it Phil but honestly, we’d have to stack stuff so high cus we’re like giraffes and it’s just asking for trouble.”

“You’re no fun.” Phil pouts.

“I’m tons of fun.” Dan insists, followed by an improvised little hum, “God the chat is going so quickly.”

“The bed.” Phil says, deadpan. “The bedroom.”

“Yeah yeah, old news. Keep up guys, its 2018, stuffs gone down in the past year, haven’t you been paying attention?”

“Let’s do some premium messages.” Phil says and then tips his head sideways slightly as if checking to see whether Dan agrees.

“Trashpile324- Good username there- says ‘Get a dog’.” Dan reads, “Maybe,” he shrugs, ”at some point.”

“Doggo!” Phil enthuses, “Cus, garden.”

“Yep. Totally Shibe-friendly the new garden.”

“Or corgi.” Phil insists.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Eternal debate” he says to the camera, “Don’t even think about what happens when we try to name it.”

“What’s wrong with Thor?” Phil asks

“Nothing exactly, except I’m not shouting Thor in the park when we take it for a walk.”

Phil laughs, tongue poking between his teeth.

“It’s got to be something that’s reflective of us as people and of the dog’s personality.”

“Rebecca says ‘if it’s this hard naming a dog can you imagine them with kids’ yeah I know! It’s difficult cus it’s like a huge responsibility naming something or someone. They have to live with it. Forever.”

“Whatever man, they can change it if they want to. No pressure. Like, they can be whoever they want to.”

They both giggle and they leave the subject there, move on to other things. That’s enough for one show, and the chat is exploding as it is. They don’t ignore it, not this time. And they don’t cover anything up or lie or hide, but they don’t come right out and say it either.

It’s all there though. Between the lines, hinted at, implied, in the footnotes. It’s there if you look, and this is what they’ve decided. Because the time for explaining and going over everything has long since passed. They were never going to be like that anyway.

Instead they decide to just, live. To just be. And it’s easier than they thought it could be, quieter and calmer than they’d thought possible.

Eventually they say ‘babe’ in a live show without it being a dreadful mistake. They slip ‘boyfriend’ and ‘love’ into conversations without much fuss. Letting it trip over into ‘husband’ and ‘family’ a few years after and ‘dad’ after a few more.

It happens without acknowledgment that it is, worked into the tapestry of their lives as if it had always been there, threaded through their world in ways that make you squint to see how anything is different to how it had always been.

They decide, and they keep deciding.

[phandomfbi]

What if Dan has depression and it hit him hard 5 years ago causing 2012? Dan shows signs of depression. An existential crisis is commonly tied with depression (look it up!). Also he lost a lot of weight then and it's probably not just from his 3 week long vegan diet.

This post will be100% my own opinions and views through things dan has said/posted over theyears. I also have depression and anxiety myself so I know some things and Iwill be using the internet for other facts. This is all just thoughts andopinions so please don’t take this as fact or proof, it is all speculation.

 Since Dan’s been ontwitter he’s never been quiet about having mental health problems. Just becausehe’s never outright said he has depression or anxiety doesn’t mean he doesn’thave them either. From posts saying he’s depressed at the moment, he’s thinkingof killing himself, or his existential crisis’s

(Ijust find It nice that phil tweeted love you 3 minutes after dan tweeted abouthating his body)

He evenhas spoke about it in liveshows. The most recent one being in his show“everything is different now” at 52:27. he talks about not being ableto bang out content because of his mental health problems. He wouldn’t say thatI he didn’t indeed have mental health problems.

ExistentialCrisis’s are often linked to depression and anxiety. For the reason thatoverthinking about life and death and existence in general is bad for onesself. Sometimes I think Dan is too smart for his own good, that he knows andlooks into the world a little too much and it’s what’s caused him to fell downsometimes.

I alsoread that people with existential depression often have it because of whattheir childhoods were liked. Dan’s said his parents didn’t properly prepare himfor the world, they we’re quite busy when they had him, and he seemed to spenda lot of time with his grandmother as a child. There are old tweets about himfighting with his parents, and them not understanding him, and even now theystill don’t watch his videos or understand his career.

 For Danto think “what’s my purpose? Why was I placed on the earth? What am Igoing to do to leave my mark on the world?” constantly makes sense for akid who didn’t have the happiest upbringing. He was bullied, he didn’t have a lot of money growing up, and he wasn’ttaught to follow his dreams. (all things he’s said in liveshows or his videos.)

 So whencollege rolled around he did what he thought would make him the most money whenhe grew up, instead of doing what would have made him happy. He went for lawschool, when he really rather have done anything else, and hated his life. Thusstarted the first spiral of existential crisis’s. “College Drop Out”

 In 2011him and Phil were quite happy in their small Manchester apartment, they weredoing more YouTube things and making good money doing what they enjoyed andthey got their first radio 1 opportunities. He seemed happier at the time.

 But in2012 when they moved to London everyone seemed to sense a change.

 I’vespoken about this before, but I personally believe that the reason behind theinfamous 2012 “no-homo Howell” phase was because of how quickly their lives changed in that year. I don’tthink either of them were ready for the level of attention they started toreceive, they didn’t expect for people to ship them and make theories aboutthem being together, and Dan definitely did not think people would message his14 year old brother asking him if Dan’s a bottom.

 I alsothink that in that year they were more focused on their careers. They wanted tobe known as danisnotonfire and amazingphil not phan. They wanted to getattention and build their careers as singles not Dan and his boyfriend Phil.Which is what would have happened seeing as Dan sort of took off more than Phildid that year. Dan hit 1 million subs, and even 3 million subs before Phil hadhit 1 million.

 As forDan being a lot skinnier in that time, they have spoken about how they didn’thave a lot of money that year, rent was high, they were new at their job andthe youtube money back then wasn’t the greatest. They lived on ramen noodlesand tv dinners for a while before they had enough money to start livingproperly.

 OnSeptember 28th, 2012 Dan uploaded “The Meaning of Life.” in which hedescribes what his life was like since his college drop out video. He say’she’s been living in “a state of permanent existential crisis” andthen says:

Assomeone with anxiety and depression I know this feeling. It happened quite alot. It takes me forever to answer emails, reply to text’s, I hate havingshowers, I really just want to sit on the ground and cry most days. Before Iwas diagnosed I thought that was all normal, that I was just a kid but it’s acommon problem for people with mental health issues to not have the energy ormental power to persuade themselves to take care of themselves.

 After ayear, he uploaded “Existential Crisis” This is around the time that Ithink Dan started to take medication or really look into ways to feel better.

He’smentioned looking into different calm down methods, such as breathing exercisesand meditation, (here’s a video of him helping the audience calm down in liveshows x) which is what my doctor told me to look into before she wantedme on medication. I’ve found that doctors often want to see if you can helpyourself before prescribing anti depressants.

Now Ihear you saying “emily there is no proof that he’s on medication” buthear me out okay. You can see him change ever so slightly in 2014. he seemshappier, he talks about his existential dread slightly less, he’s more open andfree and comfortable with things, and I don’t think that was just random.

I alsobelieve he’s on medication of some sort because of some of the side effects ofmine that I’ve seen in him. Such as Congested or runny nose, trouble sleeping,insomnia, increased sweating, dry mouth, and yawning. Most importantly though,is Dan’s whole stay hydrated thing. When on medication they say you have tostay as hydrated as possible in order to feel better, and Dan’s drinking a lotof water.

 The onethat I’ve seen a lot is the increased sweating. People were ripping on him forbecoming a sweaty mess at tatinof while phil was dry and perfect when it couldhave been a side effect of his medication.

As wellas how he was sweating in the Impossible Quiz #5 video

He’s veryeducated in anxieties ( as seen I this video as he explains why he tweetedusing the word anxiety) and he speaks about his problems often in liveshows,and no one takes him seriously.

i know this was an ask about dan having depression in 2012, but if he had it then he most likely has it now and we need to stop tip toeing around it. he speaks about it and he’s not scared of talking about it. he’s also wonderful at talking to his audience who have mental health problems, as well as knowing how to help us calm down and wanting his content to be a safe place. 

just a reminder not to freak out about any of this to us after you’ve read it all. it’s purely my own thoughts an opinions, not fact. 

-Emily