#their best friend is one of us and apparently they told him that i’m autistic and he was just like Yeah that tracks for you.

[notjanine]

i’ll stop talking about this mf eventually but like okay. i hate being taken care of. 99% of the time, i HATE being taken care of. but i am also not naturally skilled at social stuff, like i’ve learned and i can do it and i’m good at it now, but—iiiii hate to admit it—but i’ve always wanted to be with someone who can like. take the driver’s seat, socially. and Bookstore just knows exactly how to shine the spotlight on me in a group setting. sometimes i get so overwhelmed taking everything in that i forget to talk even when i have relevant things to add! but they know just when to say Oh al said/did/made me watch/read/listen to xyz, and then give me the space to elaborate. or they’ll be more subtle and say like [Nearby person who likes something i like], have you seen/do you know about [specific thing they know i love] and it’s. gosh it’s really nice. also they are very big and warm. gosh

[chezzabellesworld]

Heroin addiction hello,

this is me my name is heroin, I am more expensive than gold, but you will pay more for me. I’m like a diamond you want me you you wanna wear me you wanna wear me all over your body you wanna be me you wanna be inside my body, you want me to take the pain away like a hug like a hug used to do like a kiss like being in love used to, my name is Cherry and I’m a heroin addict I’m not some 12 stepper I kind of wish I was so I kind of wish I didn’t get the vibe that it was a cult , but maybe it is but who said all Colts are bad well this person right here was see. I’m also autistic I have a strong time of the past, I’ll tell you what this addiction has taken everything away from me. Let’s go back and let’s go back to 10 years ago. Roughly let’s go to the 3rd of December 2012 when I met this man who to this day, I can’t get out of my head see this man🕰️ introduced me to this awful awful thing, but at the same time he kept me away distance control. Yes I get it on the first night I met this man me off my feet. I was telling him about my situation ship and he was very compassionate. He was very understanding and it sort of Started there and went on the next five years, I was hooked line and sinker .

So the first night I met this man he was with my friend I met with, and I can still tell you everything about it that night it had to be one of the best nights of my life as I sit here now with tears in my eyes, five years later, I remembering things when I write, I wanted to be writer when I write I want to I remember And I started my life story again I’ve been with him for awhile see you inspired me be a bad person being with me and made me wanna be better and we had this little secret but let’s go back to the question because I’m very good at track no drugs happened it was just drinking Maybe smoking weed because I did back then but I was just talking it was like talking to someone I’d know my whole life and when you’re autistic this doesn’t happen often I hadn’t been diagnosed then but he had both bonded over the fact that we both had personality disorders and that we didn’t fit into society boxes, but now as I see it, I see it. I do but This man had a complete control over me. He had literally just had a baby with somebody who he’d been with for 10 years. He told me it was over, but yet they just had a baby a month prior premature, I didn’t want to take this woman’s man I didn’t want to take away this father, so I said don’t chase me, so on the days that he saw his child up at the hospital still, he would come back really quickly like he hadn’t even been there at all. I know that he had a premature baby. Yes I do I don’t know the whole truth of it I never will Until years though, when I spoke to his ex and I still don’t know the whole truth and why the fuck should she have to tell me anyway but all night he painted her is a villain same as I did with my ex yes as a personality disorder, everyone else is a bad guy You never the bad guy until it all comes tumbling down and you hate yourself and you wanna cut yourself or burn yourself so I trigger on this post but I have to say this I have to be honest with myself I must’ve liked it the fact that my family my family was born into because I don’t have kids that’s another sad part of this story is, I can’t Maybe it’s sick but there you go. They treat this man as an outcast just as much as I treated me as an outcast. I feel he wasn’t allowed to my sisters birthday party even though my sister was married to a literal word rapist still in prison for it now, and all the other sick things he did And my ex or right through this, of course I’ve noticed can also see crazy people who are crazy can always see crazy and others. Neurotypical are very selfish people. The first time I met him. He didn’t use her when he told me about it. apparently he told me about it and anyway I told him not to choose me over his child. Anyway he did we were texting all the time I was texting him. He was writing me love i never had this in my entire life. He literally swept me off my feet and the good thing that happened at the beginning of our relationship was that I went away for a week two days after we met Which made me want him more and vice versa now he probably did stuff I’ve heard he might of he’s married now to this girl. He slagged off for years and shagged. The sister who is 17 when we were together together what we broke up we didn’t properly broke up, but we broke up This is where the comes in we’re living in accommodated living for people who are not very well addicts mentally ill and so on. Anyway, many of the nights I would sneak into his room through the window or he sneak into mine and would lie bad faith, even if there was cameras. Oh he hasn’t asked your random stuff like this and I’ll be like it has. I’ve gone to bed, and obviously it was the most exciting time of my life. I was 23 years 22 years old and absolutely in love. Yes I know they got married at the age of 17 but it wasn’t part. Of course it was in my res autistic and everything was always more dramatic. The next time I’m bigger and better also I thought crazy so we end up getting kicked out of this facility I live there for a year I hadn’t really stayed there. I’d stayed in my mum, still even though she di

So things got out of hand that I’ve got made homeless I’m looking back now I thought it was so unfair and at the time I thought it was unfair. People who got made homeless shouldn’t have got made home as really people who this is all they had and the man I’m with now With living in the shed house with my ex there is four of the houses two of them staffed two of them not! so my partner was in a house without staff and then got put into the room next to me in the staff house which I was in me and my partner and I said maybe it was a distraction from my ex and his past, I will never know the full extent of.

So heroin heroin you ask how did it come into it well slowly that’s what I’ll say slowly he came back one day in a really really bad mood. This is before we got kicked out and started smoking on the bed. I’ve never been a situation I’ve been around hard before and it made me very uncomfortable, especially because I hadn’t touched them so I felt embarrassed and obliged this time I didn’t. I felt safe I felt safe with him. I just did so here it goes we move out and by this point before I go with him I will say I was addicted to sleeping pills on and off and opiates pill, but only pills so I sort of being there, but I wasn’t in the world of dealers drug addicts, horrible people debt, losing friends, and emotionally and because of the addiction. No nothing was that bad yet was destined for this maybe probably who knows I don’t I don’t even know so I will never forget the day I did it because it made life, so like it made sense for the first time in my life. It just made sense everything fit into place. Everything was like this is what it’s meant to be and this is how I should feel it wasn’t overwhelming how I thought it was meant to be, and this is how it traps you guys so don’t do it, it just felt like I had found the key to a door that had been locked 22 years and I had found that key. Obviously not a drug use. very narcissistic you really don’t think it’s gonna be you you just don’t you don’t think it’s going to be you in 1 million years even when you told me all these things via my ex when he told me this is what it’s like. I’m depressed now I can’t feel without it sex drive it fuck it fuck the way you connect with people you lose that connection and when you’re autistic anyway that is hard to have by the beginning it makes that all possible it makes you have emotion it makes you connect it makes you feel like you are invincible, and I always thought the word heroine became from the hero within, it kind of makes sense, wouldn’t it.

So the first time I used it, I smoked it we were living in one of his friends house in the spare bedroom that was freezing cold and the guy was addicted to it. The wife wasn’t they had two children. They had three children but the two children were in the room next to the dad, who is addicted really bad day and ill And this was the first place I used it they thought I was just normal. They didn’t think I touched so when I asked to try it one time when I got kicked off Valium which as you know it’s not very good I’ve got put on after a bad experience. Grape grape by my ex, and it was a short term thing, but I felt awful and I was hallucinating and I was in a really weird way and I also still appealed from my other exes house which led me to be really drooling and off my head and not remembering things in this house anyway, so that’s where I first tried it and for that year when we were living from house to house of people and Sophie spare rooms whatever, was the most exciting time of my life. It was an adventure that I’ve never been in. It was some kind of life experience that I needed for that time, but it led to this really scary time that I live in now so would I take it back? I’m not too sure i’ll lose all these memories, but then I won’t be attached to it so much either. Yeah I’d probably take it because the people I know now I really don’t wanna know I’m telling you something, there’s a lot of really dodgy men in this world who will try and proposition you for sex for money or they will try and do things to you the amount of times I’ve had men do things to me that dodgy sexually, I can’t even fathom it’s very sad, no one should have to go through that. made me feel so protected from the heroin all of it the relationship with that felt amazing, We lived from moment to moment we bonded so deeply our moon 🌙 signs very compatible. we shared everything let’s say so in the five years 2 1/2 of them are good 2 1/2 of them really bad but let’s say this was really severe case of grooming two that felt good though it felt really good because it came with the drugs and it came with the reward system that your brain creates of Doberman, but after a while your break your brain needs a pleasure and reward centre to survive. It’s like breathing it felt amazing. I felt so good every time I felt so good he he controlled my habits so I didn’t get too bad so I would get high probably off. Let’s say £10 worthb or £20 worth a day, maybe less let’s say less.

Eventually, my family obviously found out because I’m a very honest person and I like why did you say that I’ve noticed addicts are very dishonest people, scum of the Earth and I can’t stand them and they can’t stand me either. They do not like me and I think my ex knew this about them that they wouldn’t like me because he did all the messaging and calls to these people I didn’t know these people were so uptight about a text message, but they are absolutely ridiculous, I wasn’t used to this level of paranoia unless it was in your mind none of these people give a shit about you. I’m talking as 33-year-old me now and not 22-year-old man. It’s been over 10 years can you believe it because I can I mean it could be another lifetime ago and it could be yesterday 22-year-old didn’t know about this. Didn’t know this rule it’s uptight don’t do that and I honestly I hate these people honestly I’m miserable it’s not good for me I’m constantly sad,😔 yeah I mean the end of last year I going to join this astrology course and I have a teacher now at this woman I listen to for years on YouTube who I love I love her way of teaching listening to her on YouTube she was so good at going into it all. I looked up with Darkside zodiac and I found her but anyway I’m gonna tell her I lost friends in my opinion, so basically when I was younger, I was a bit of a goody-goody so that transition into hard-core addict who thought she was Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain with her boyfriend was obviously a massive shock to my friends and family I’m guessing constantly asking for money this day,

They didn’t realise this world opened up, a whole box of things that made me feel better, but a whole shit load of a basement full of crap that came with it. They won’t so yeah, I was a goody goody I didn’t really drink. I didn’t do this I didn’t do that, but I was fun. I was a happy shy girl And I would join in and have a laugh with my friends we would get the stone high part when I used to bring school in into school my sister’s part into my friend and he smoked I didn’t even smoke. Then I didn’t even feel the pressure to smoke. So yeah this was a massive personality change I guess so I always went from group group I was always a bit of a drifter.! point of sticking a needle in my arm, I wasn’t bad in fact I was the opposite of a bad arse you could say but as he has went on things happened and you meet people, my best friend who I be my best friend from the age of 10 made her be my best friend until she agreed. She was my best friend from me from me, her being sick of me, trying to ask it probably so I made my first love through her years later 18 years old and he was just schizophrenic and I even got warned off him which was probably the right idea cause this is where my first mental break happened a few years after that so this is why is slowly threatened to do law, and my personality was really changing, and I guess it was very scary for the people around me, so I’d have relationships with people friends whatever, but it always felt forced with this man. It never felt forced. It felt natural, and he would convince me that these people wanted to hurt me, or they weren’t good enough for me or they for I wasn’t good enough for them. He was very clever very very very clever he had me believing all of this shit and so it still this day is in and I can’t get rid of and I think anyone who’s been in a abusive relationship will feel this.

I have put a lot of pressure on my family. I feel like I am loving girl but I don’t have a family like the rest of them all my sisters have children. My brother is happy in a relationship. He is with someone for 11 years and he was very very happy even though he’s my older brother he sometimes feels like my younger brother because he’s so more innocent and I was innocent like he was too Very similar. In fact he was more of a rebel than I was saying I think I wanted to rebel so badly because I never had the opportunity. I mean the first guy I slept with gave me herpes if you want to talk about bad luck, but I thought it was a bad ass then because I was going out of a guy from Bangladesh who was a Muslim who had a restaurant well he didn’t have the restaurant who I was fucking in his restaurant And I thought I was cool. I was getting free curries and then I went to the next shop up the road and it was a Turkish guy who had a gorgeous green eyes. I was obsessed with being in love and not with English man. I thought English men were trash they never fancied me in school. I never had boyfriends, and I lost my virginity at 16.

 so my friends now anyway, who I lost I’ve tried to bring back into my life but they’re not perfect either. I’m not saying they’re perfect but they weren’t drug Alex and we weren’t into people like that. They don’t know anything about people like that when I tell them about the things that have been degraded too, I’m in the last three years I didn’t leave my house because of a sexual assault kind of thing again And it’s very very scary so they couldn’t understand it or comprehend. They didn’t know why I was agitated. They didn’t know why I couldn’t meet up with them till sad times. They didn’t know why I didn’t pick up my phone they didn’t know why I called them at weird hours they didn’t understand it they didn’t understand why I wanted money they didn’t understand why I didn’t have this. They didn’t understand the people that knew I get it. I wish I didn’t even guys They see it though they see what happened, but then I did have one very abusive friend who is a Gemini and she would send me essays with you sometimes and this was before I got with Matt! she could still be very nasty I mean when I got her, she was like really rude about that and telling people I mean what kind of friend does that anyway so she comes and stay with me after a few years of me being with him and we have a nice time. Kind of have a good time, I’m still happy because I’m with him well I think I am anyway she comes down with fake note she was like can you use it cause she knew the olive. It was a bit backwards compared London I was like yeah probably be fine anyway one day we walked into town and I call her from upstairs from my exes flat and she looks horrified on that. Oh God here we go and she looked up annoyed anyway she’s there and a few days later, she’s all happy happy all on her phone and a good mood God. I wish I felt like her with making weed and I was being very paranoid and that’s when I stopped because I’d started smoking crack at this point because my ex couldn’t do heroin any more fuck from injecting and I hated cocaine. I just did it because he did it and he wanted me to owe him money. A lot of these drug addicts Connell is too so you owe the money I offend this. Well I’m too good for it and I know I’m so good for it and I wanna meet the other people who are not like this who are not con artists ! so she is high and she’s like don’t you feel so amazing I didn’t but I pretended yeah for great anyway she doodled all over this night and then she goes he go you can have it as she left to go home. I was like cheers can’t use it for shit now but thanks 🧑‍🎨.

Chapter 1

[ladysternchen]

All of Arda is autistic- Finwë and Elwë

“You look somewhat unhappy!” Finwë said, letting himself sink onto the ground beside his friends. Ingwë looked up from his flute in surprise. “What, me?” “Nay…” Finwë laughed. “You just look as if you’ve never seen that thing before, despite never parting from it. No, I meant Elwë. Who apparently isn’t even listening!” He prodded the younger elf with one finger, which made Elwë jerk out of his thoughts. “Ow!” “Yes, sure, because that hurt.” Finwë huffed, but cuddled up to his friend anyway. “What’s wrong? Don’t you look forward to seeing everyone again?” “I am. A lot. Only… aren’t you nervous?” Ingwë had apparently decided to leave the two best friends to their conversation and resumed the polishing of his flute, but Finwë looked at Elwë in surprise.  “Nervous? Why in Arda would I be nervous?” Elwë opened his mouth to answer, then, reconsidering, closed it again.  “You really are nervous, aren’t you?” Finwë added in much gentler tones, now that he had realised that his friend really was worried. “Will you explain to me why?” Elwë shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m… I guess I’m nervous about… facing everybody. What… what if they hold us now to be something special?” A grin spread over Finwë’s fair face. “Well, I hate to break that to you, but of course we’ll be held as something special, because we are. We’ve been singled out, given work to do. We’re the chosen ones!” “But why? It’s not as if we’ve done anything extraordinary.” “Didn’t you listen to what the Valar said? That great deeds would yet have to be done? We’ve been given honours, and now we have to live up to them!” There was a note of pride in Finwë’s voice that told Elwë how eager his friend was to prove himself, to get into action. Just about the exact opposite of how he felt. “So no pressure, huh?” He answered, with a brave attempt at bravado. Finwë considered that.  “I don’t think I’d call that pressure, but rather an opportunity. We can live in that bliss, in the light, learn how to craft things the way Lord Aulë does, and Lady Vairë. And just think that we won’t ever have to worry again about the Shadow, won’t that be wonderful?” Elwë frowned. “And you were the one who needed to be persuaded to follow Lord Oromë in the first place…” “Well, true… the other side sounded pretty convincing, too, at least at first. But, Elwë, are you actually having second thoughts now? Isn’t it a bit late for that?” A lump had built in Elwë’s throat, and he tried in vain to clear it. “Um… no. I mean, yes, I do have second thoughts, or third or… whatever. See, I really want to go back to Aman as quickly as possible, I want to know that Elmo and Olwë are safe, but…” “See?” Finwë cut across him eagerly. “And not only our families, but all Quendi. And we are going to lead them!” Elwë remained silent for a moment, then said, slowly and deliberately: “And what if they don’t want to come?” His friend shrugged. “Then we’ll persuade them! Once they hear what it is like, they’ll surely want to come!” “And if not? How am I ever to convince them? The Valar trust me to lead my people… oh, that alone sounds ridiculous! We’re very nearly still children, and we are supposed to convince the elders to follow us when they have already stated that they have no desire to leave Cuiviénen? How?” Finwë reached calmly over to take one of his friend’s hands into his own, gently prising open Elwë’s tightly clenched fist. The younger elf shuddered a little as Finwë massaged the palm of his hand where his fingernails had left marks. He hadn’t even realised just how agitated he had become. “You will find your way. And I’ll always be there, to tell you that you think way too much, and are too scared of change, and too self-conscious and too much in need of order and control, just as you are going to tell me that my heart got way ahead of my head again, and that I’m reckless and over-enthusiastic and too trusting in my own skills and good fortune. We don’t need to do everything perfectly. That’s for Ingwë… he’s the one who has it all together. But we have each other. And we’ll do great! Promise?” Elwë nodded, barely swallowing down tears. He did not know how Finwë did this, but he could always make things seem so easy that even looking back, Elwë could not determine what he had been worrying about only moments before.  

[imaginethreehouses]

Hi! I saw that your matchups were open so I hope you don’t mind doing mine for male characters (one of each house? If you only do one per request, then just one in general in fine!) I use she/her pronouns! I have rose pink hair reaching to my mid-back and drown brown hair. I stand at 5ft and am left handed. I’m a Sun Capricorn, Moon Virgo, Rising Leo and an ISTP.

Most people think I’m quiet and polite upon first impressions, so they tend to be surprised when I’m with my friends and Im here bullying and gaslighting the living shit out of them. I’m told that I’m a blunt person, not in the mean way, but just speaking the truth when a person is in trouble and needs to see reality kind, apparently. I’m a very sarcastic person and am definitely a bad influence. I don’t tend to talk about myself much. I’m really bad at giving compliments and don’t tend to stress much. I don’t like seeming week or stupid, so I tend to act like a know-it-all as I try to hide my flaws, tho it has gotten to the point where a friend asked if I’ve ever cried once in my life which really hurt.

Anyway lol, I was a music oriented person, having played the piano mainly for over 12 years, violin, and guitar but it was never a passion of mine so I kinda dropped it. I love writing, drawing, and playing mostly JRPG games. I eat a lot lol, but I guess it’s better to describe it as I only get full when eating too much of one food since I get tired of it, and am a fast eater. I also have the humor of a 10-year-old boy with plenty of Your Mom and That’s what she said jokes.

Hey!! Sure, you can request one of each house, it's no problem! It actually makes it easier for me in a way because I'm always worried the people I write for will hate the match I pick? 😅 Now I have three tries. Also, I hope you mean bullying/gaslighting your friends in a figurative/exaggerated sense? I'm autistic and pushing 30 so I'm not always sure what younger people mean these days when they say these things LOL. Anyway! I hope you like the matches 🥰

From the Blue Lions, I match you with... Sylvain! ❤

Look no further. He's the one who'd be laughing his ass off at a "that's what she said" joke in the middle of a war council meeting.

Sylvain needs someone to be blunt with him and tell him how things are once in a while. Pretty frequently, actually. All the time, maybe, even.

He's often taken for someone with no feelings because of the way he acts, so he would get really angry if he sees someone do the same to you.

Sylvain would be the biggest fan of your writing, he would go as far as to draw terrible quality fanart of it.

If video games existed in Fódlan you can bet Sylvain would spend at least 3 hours a day gaming.

He's got his issues but I think the two of you could eventually fit together nicely!

From the Black Eagles, I match you with.... Caspar! ❤

I think he'd be another fellow 'fine' humor enjoyer and chaos wrecker 🤭

He'd support you so much in dropping what wasn't making you happy and going for what you really enjoy!

He'd think you're not that interesting upon first impression, then be delighted to learn what you truly are like when he sees you around your friends.

He might not really get your sarcasm sometimes and just get things comically wrong as a result. Feel free to either have mercy or mercilessly tease.

From the Golden Deer house, I match you with... Claude! ❤

Sorry, I think this pretty much completes the holy trinity of the "that's what she said" kind of humor fe3h guys 🤭

I think Claude would also enjoy gaming a lot. He is also a musical person though, so he would bug you endlessly when he inevitably decides that he wants to learn to play violin and piano.

Despite all his dreams and the complicated politics he's involved with, at heart he's a guy who loves to play jokes and tease. You'd fit together quite nicely!

This is completely unrelated to any of what you said but I think Claude is pretty much the best cuddler in the whole game. I can't explain it but IDK look at that gif up there, he looks so soft? 🥺

Bonus friendship match! From the Church of Seiros: Catherine!

[astroellipse]

vent :l

slightly drunk. probably a bad choice hopefully power metal will keep the bad thoughts away. hopefully if i put them all in here it’ll be fine! i don’t even know who i’m talking to, there’s like 10 people nowadays that see anything i post, but what fucking ever! it gives me some peace of mind that anybody might see what i say, even if they don’t. even if it’s probably better that they don;t.

good fucking god relationships are a bitch. i’ve mentioned my boyfriend a few times here and there and. hoo boy. holy shit. i am getting Frustrated. maybe i need to stop crushing on men ~1.5x my age. i don’t know. right now it seems like i might have been used by a man during a transitional period of his life for company a second time. maybe not. i hope not. the first time definitely, this time god i fucking hope not.

but then again it’s naive to think my first relationship literally ever would work out perfectly, right? i know better now, and if there has to be a next time then so be it i guess. i figured this might happen anyways. i warned him i’ve got some stupid shit goin on in my head, there were times where i acted a bit paranoid but i always mad sure to apologize and acknowledge my faults and it hasn’t happened in over a month where i come to him spouting nonsense trying to work through an anxiety attack...

and still, he’s wary about everything i say. i ask him what he’s up to, he asks why and tries to get me to admit some ulterior motive. he hasn’t spoken to me of his own volition in a month now. i haven’t heard anything even bordering on nice, much less affectionate. he doesn’t return i love yous or good nights or please rest wells. he doesn’t have the time or energy, apparently. in some part i can understand. he works 5 days a week and helps his grandparents all days on his days off, and is stuck doing paperwork most other times.

but still, he doesn’t even pretend to enjoy it when i talk to him, or try to tell him good night when i do on occasion or anything. i get worried that he’s stopped being interested in me, then then he’d break up with me, right? or maybe he’s debating with himself too. or maybe he does enjoy it but he’s too tired and preoccupied to realize he’s being kinda rude like every time i try to talk to him. he is autistic and has told me that he does not particularly enjoy talking in the first place but in the past, before he claimed he was just too busy and stopped talking to me almost altogether, he still said good night and good morning to me most days. then one day he stopped, and didn’t respond to anything i said, and then got annoyed with me when i got worried after a few days.

my other worry is, am i ok with him acting like this every time he’s under stress? how would he react if we were in person? is it worth going through? i thought i loved him, but i’m not entirely certain if i can love this, him being comfortable with acting like this for an entire month and more as this goes on. i don’t know. it’s hard to think about.

and i’m still worried whether his love is genuine. the second it became difficult he completely shut himself off from me. now this is a bit different from the first time this happened, that was best friend not boyfriend, but still. being completely shut out sucks ass.

i don’t know. i think being rejected in that way again might break me. i’m already fucked up about rejection. i thought it was very literally impossible to like me before that best friend i mentioned. i don’t want to think like that again. i don’t have anyone else so close. well, i don’t have anyone close at the moment. i have friends, some friends i’m getting along with better than ever before and others i’m drifting from, but none of them are friends that i feel like i can really talk to. none are the sorts i can tell random thoughts or worries, or invite to do things or be invited. i’m a stupid fucking introverted shut in. i can’t even rely on college to make friends, it’s all online and independent. goddamn i’m a jealous piece of shit.

jesus christ and there’s the self hate. that’s the big reason i need therapy, hopefully i can actually make the fucking appointment on monday. i pussied out today because i’m a useless goddamn pansy. god. aren’t i funny? i try to make my outward personality as kind as i can, even cutesy or air headed, but i hate myself with a passion. i’m analytical to boot. i admittedly think so harshly about those around me.

almost every day i contemplate dying. it’s been like this for years. there have been stretches where i don’t, where i actually felt alright, but it’s happening again. i don’t think i’ll actually do it. even if i still feel bad about having nobody close i still have normal level friends. i think i’d be missed. and i couldn’t do that to my sisters. but i still think about it.

okay i tihnk i’m done now. if you read all that thanks ilu but also why would you do that to yourselfd

[greatandholypangolin]

story time! (Disclaimer- I doubt any of you will find it interesting, I just need the information out in writing before I forget it)

so I’ve had a history of feeling faint now and then and having to sit down since I was around 10, usually if I hadn’t eaten enough or had a lot of adrenaline, which is easy enough to do as an autistic child who goes into fight or flight at least twice a week and doesn’t like the sensation of eating.

but anyway I’m in a youth theatre group and we’re doing Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, where Aslan the lion is one of those puppets with 2 people inside of him, a bit like a pantomime puppet, except there are also 2 people on each side of his head who puppet the head and speak for him. I’m the front half inside of Aslan.

The day before we had our main meal as a lunch at around 2 o clock, then no one was hungry at dinner time so we didn’t have anything. Then, the day of the event, I’d woken up late, so skipped breakfast to save time, then at school they had chocolate bread which is the best thing in school but also costs the same as a full lunch, so I obviously decided to use my lunch money on that instead of nutrients. Then evening came and we were in rehearsals until 8:30, so I had some haribos to keep me going.

the moment I got into rehearsal I felt a bit weak and shaky and I just knew it wasn’t going to be fun. As we were waiting in the wings with Aslan, I was totally zoned out to conserve energy and distract myself. Then we did half of our scene, and when we got to the front of the stage our director stopped us and started talking about how some characters were positioned and whatever. It was at this point that I started mumbling ‘I need to get out’. I was feeling really hot and heavy and I had a pressure on my ears that was muffling everything and I was struggling to stay upright. I said it a bit louder and one of the head puppeteers heard me and said ‘the scenes over soon, don’t worry’ so I repeated ‘I really need to get out.’ I could see no colours from then on, everything was grainy shades of grey. And he asked the director, who started asking who was free for the next few scenes and about the right height. At this point I started flopping from the waist up. I think that was the point where I lost all hearing, and I was close to losing vision too. I didn’t consider that I might actually pass out, but I knew that I had to sit down. I remember the faint sensation of someone grabbing me, (I was later told it was my friend trying to undo the clips that were holding me in the puppet) but it felt like those little glimpses of dreams that stay behind right after you wake up, all dark and fuzzy and just sensation.

I woke up on the floor, with one of the supervisor’s arms underneath me. He dove out of his chair to catch me, along with a few of Aslan’s guards who were nearby, and my aforementioned friend who was still trying to unclip me. The first thing I said was ‘oh, I thought that was a dream’ because it all gets a little dreamy once hearing gets muffled. Then I tried to sit up and was told that I shouldn’t move by my director. It was really annoying at the time, but I get it. Eventually I was sat up and given some water, and I explained that I’m just a lil blood sugar fiend who hasn’t been taking her iron supplements. I felt really sweaty and hot, and it was confirmed that I was boiling, as well as being deathly pale. I was walked outside, even though I probably could have walked it myself, and given a Diet Coke. My stepdad was actually in the building rehearsing for a band, so he was summoned and stood there awkwardly asking if I needed a ride home or if I was ok to continue. I was ok to continue, but they didn’t let me back in Aslan. Lots of people were worried, my cousin in particular had to be sat outside with me because she just froze when I crumpled. Apparently I fell very elegantly.

when I got home I got told off by my mother for not eating enough. I wish I could get right in her face and tell her that it wasn’t like I felt a little faint and sat down for a while, I fucking collapsed. I had to be caught and dragged out of the puppet and I could have fucking injured myself, this is a time for sympathy not blaming.

[psychoticwillgraham]

also im at the bar/restaurant where my second best friend works, and he was on vacation for two weeks so apparently he missed me and he’s rlly flirting hard today lmao he’s already told me that he’s not completely sure about how he identifies (gender and sexuality wise) and that normally he wouldn’t be typically attracted to afab ppl, except in ‘certain cases’. he’s also said that he really digs how I present gender wise because it’s all over the place and you never know what to expect.

his coworkers (and the big boss) can clearly see that he has a crush on me, and a big one at that. they constantly tease him about it when I’m here by saying shit like ‘look, your special friend is here!!’ and ‘alright I’ll let you wait on your guy, have fun’ (they just call me a guy as a default) with a very bad wink in my direction. literally everyone can see it bc it’s so goddamn obvious that even me, being as autistic as I am, can see it loud and clear.

oh and he has zero friends besides me so every time mom and I come in, he gives us his employee discount which lets be real. you wouldn’t do that i unless you rlly liked the person lmao

[yaminerua]

Idk just rambling about my brain

Man I don’t think I have adhd but I do think my dad does because he fits SO MANY hallmarks of the inattentive subtype. He doesn’t want to bother getting a proper confirmation of that being the case but like the CPN who visits to assist my brother more or less said he agrees that adhd is very likely in him given everything he’s come to understand about my dad over the last several years of knowing him.

But he did also sort of just generally sit and point at all of us and say he thought we were all autistic on like the second time he ever met us so lol I don’t know

it does make me wonder though if there’s SOMETHING going on with me too. My brother is definitely autistic since he received that diagnosis back in school, and though it’s not confirmed, dad matches so many check marks for adhd that it is reasonably likely for him to have it but whenever I look up one or the other to try to see if I see myself in them I don’t feel as though I fully relate enough to one or the other to think I really have it.

Like yeah there are a handful of things I do relate strongly to but idk if they can just be written off as coming from a different source. There’s a lot of trauma and depression and anxiety in general swirling around in my head so it would be easy to put some of those things down to those instead.

so I generally just assume I don’t fit into autism or adhd. But it’s fairly present in the family so I can’t help but wonder.

Autism is definitely in the family on my dad’s side for sure. His cousin and all three of her children have it as well as her brother and I know one of his children has it too.

I found out a while back that my uncle had been told he was on the spectrum too and I wouldn’t be surprised if my other uncle was as well bc they’re both very similar in the same ways, though that’s just speculation. But there’s definitely multiple confirmed instances of it so idk. It makes me curious about whether there’s a chance I’m somewhere on the spectrum too bc as I mentioned before there are some things here and there which I relate strongly to but none of it is strong enough overall to be like oh yeah that sums me up you know? Like maybe some lesser traits but not so much the bigger ones.

I do think I have some kind of dyscalculia for almost certain though, given my well-documented struggles with maths, and other shit like reading clock faces. And the cousins I mentioned earlier all have confirmed dyscalculia. So that’s there. And apparently it can be present alongside adhd from what I read a while back. But again I don’t relate strongly enough to think I really have that.

Executive dysfunction is the biggest thing that does match up. God knows I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to get myself to do what needs done to maintain the upkeep of even just my own bedroom and even with the best intentions of keeping it up I could never do it. I’d sit for months screaming internally at myself to fucking tidy up and ultimately the best thing that worked to make it happen was knowing I had friends coming up to stay and then I’d suddenly erupt into a hurricane of productive tidying, kicked into action by an immediately approaching deadline. and to an extent I relate to people’s descriptions of what rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like. but at the same time I wouldn’t say I had a particularly hard time in school wrt studying and working, or other things people generally look for. It was the being bullied that I struggled more with then.

anyway idk. There’s something about my brain that is definitely… idk… SOMETHING. It has real observable effects on my life and relationships and everything but I just dunno what exactly it is.

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

[asexual-abomination]

Plat!Yan!Chrollo x Autistic!Reader x Plat!Yan!PT - Soulmate AU Part 1

This is largely self indulgent writing, as I know that very little of this niche exists, if any. The reader here is largely based on myself and my own thoughts of the world, but I hope others enjoy my writing. I have no formal education in writing, so if you have any advice for my writing style, please feel free to send it in.

This idea was largely inspired by the lovely @kiame-sama, who wrote this concept with a romantically yandere Chrollo, though I am aro-ace and changed it just slightly for my own writing. I hope to continue this series with more parts, but they may not all follow the same story thread.

This part just includes the body swap.

-----

You were never going to make the best impression on your soulmate. Or at least, you could never make the best impression on their friends, and that was what mattered largely to you. Talking to people would never be your strong suit, but at least on your end you had many months and other friends to keep your soulmate entertained. Waking up in a stranger's body, talking to other strangers about all details of their life? Horrible.

It should have been a comfort that there was a small yellow flower tattooed just below the date on your back, indicative of a platonic soulmate, but the idea that you would likely be expected to spend time not just with your soulmate, but with their friends as well threw you off so incredibly. Your soulmate would surely need the patience of a saint to deal with you, at least according to most people you speak with about your soulmate.

Your preparations for the switch were over now, all things embarrassing put away for now, some good food prepped, and a letter you had written taped to the inside of your bedroom door. For now, you were going over the final rules for your friends who were under strict instructions of exactly what they could and could not speak about with your soulmate. Even though they chuckled under their breath about your extreme caution, at this point you had to trust that they would follow what you said, since your switch was just minutes away.

Your closest friend, Jo, assured you that they would keep the rest in line. Knowing their authoritative personality and intimidating aura, you were much more reassured that things would go well. Even as you got up to leave, they were giving everyone their famous evil eye to keep them quiet.

Heading into the bedroom, you laid down, only to realize that your breathing was coming short and there seemed to be not enough air getting in your lungs. Were you seriously having a panic attack just before your switch? You tried to calm yourself with the breathing exercises you had been taught, but there was little you could do, which only made your panic grow faster.

You had only seconds to spare, and the reality of the situation hit you with the force of a freight train. Keeping your eyes open, you took one deep breath to hope you wouldn't ruin everything on the spot.

Everything changed in an instant, the position of your body, the tension of your muscles, the temperature and smell of the room. And the last thing to hit you, the fact that your soulmate decided to switch while driving on a highway.

Internally, you felt a massive surge of panic, outweighing the mild anxiety you had been feeling by a landslide. Until you realized that the body you were in appeared to be functioning on its own.

It was common knowledge that during the switch, there was no change to the body's ability to understand and speak languages, though you wondered if you were among the first to find the same thing applied to driving skills.

Slowly, you brought your breathing back to a calm, knowing that a meltdown right now could spell things much worse than humiliation. Once you felt ready enough that you wouldn't cry the second anything moved a moment to fast, you looked up to the rearview mirror to take in the inhabitants of the car.

Seeing the body you were in -- your soulmate -- was jarring, but he didn't appear immediately scary in the mirror. He had slicked black hair, wide eyes the color of granite, and wore a black trench coat with white fur that was open to show his bare chest underneath. But your attention was quickly drawn from his reflection to the fact that there were others accompanying you in this car.

Sat next to you in the passenger's seat was a woman with bright pink hair and a stony face, staring straight ahead at the road, who didn't appear to have noticed that there was any difference in her driver's behavior. Taking up the back seats were three men, one blond with a babyish smile, another blonde much taller than the first with a toughened look about himself, and a man with long black hair tied back looking grumpily out of his side window. All of them gave off intimidating vibes, almost putting you off of speaking at all.

After a few moments of quiet driving, it became apparent to you that these people weren't going to notice you until you spoke up. You were grateful for the time to prepare your first words, but with the menacing energy all these people gave off, you had to put your minimal understanding of conversation to its maximum.

"Ah... This wasn't quite what I was expecting..." Not the best opening line, but at least you had begun to announce your presence.

It was the pink-haired woman next to you who first responded with a questioning hum.

"I'm not sure who this is, but whoever they are, I'm their soulmate." That seemed to incite a reaction from the entire car.

"Soulmate!?" The black haired man jumped from his position, his grumpy mood dissipated and replaced with confusion mixed with excitement. The two other men were looking between themselves, while the woman's face somehow got even tougher, glaring towards you with something that you assumed was suspicion.

"Hah... I'm about as surprised as you are!" You tried to add some joy to your tone, hoping that matching their excitement would somehow dispel the situation faster. However, they continued to glare at you, and you began to wish that you could sink away into the seat, though there was very little that would help with at this point.

It's almost deathly quiet in the car for just a few moments, before all hell breaks loose. The others in the car were yelling questions at you, and yelling in general at each other.

"Would you lot calm down!?" The woman seemed to be your ally here, "If you keep this act up, we're gonna scare his soulmate off before the switch is even over!"

"Why wouldn't the boss have told us about his switch? This isn't like him in the slightest!" The black-haired man was clearly upset, though you weren't sure if he was angry at 'the boss' or at you.

The woman hushed him by saying that 'the boss' likely meant this as a test, which only served to confuse your perception of these people further. After a few moments of whispering between themselves, they finally turned back to you.

"So, who are you?" The rougher looking blond asked, not exactly setting a good tone.

It took you a few moments to even notice that he had even spoken to you, as the realization that your soulmate made seemingly no preparations for your switch hit you hard. Even though the day he would switch with you was embedded on his body, he had let you wake up in some random moment of his life, while you had spent months working around this day to get the best outcome possible.

"My name is (Y/N)," you introduced yourself carefully, not quite sure if you wanted to give your full name away to these people, "And who might you be?"

The four looked between themselves, completely ignoring your question. "No-one we know by that name."

They went further into their suspicious act, but were kind enough to also give their own first names before continuing their own interrogation. It was the baby-faced boy in the backseat, Shalnark, who asked the majority of the questions, he seemed to be very pushy and tricked you into giving answers multiple times.

The conversation was very one-sided, as you tried every trick you had ever been taught for keeping interactions equal, only to eventually realize that all four of them were working against you, using tactics for talking that you had never thought of before.

You were quick to become frustrated with their incessant questions. There were no spaces for the others to talk, leaving you feel like bug under a microscope as they stared at you. Eventually, it seemed that they were happy with the information they had gotten from you, which was a lot, including the full name you hadn't wanted to give them earlier, your home nation and your line of work.

Whoever these people were, they were good at interrogation, Shalnark especially good at tricking you with simple questions that he insinuated much greater answers from, which worried you for what these people could do for a living. If your soulmate was their boss, could he be even better at this type of talk? You didn't think you could handle conversations with a man that potentially intelligent.

Now that they were being less interrogating, you tried to take the opportunity to add your own questions, but you could only glean a few things from the way they answered. For one thing, the highway that you were currently on was on the same continent that you lived on, but a few countries over. For another, there were many more members of this group that worked for your soulmate.

Asking questions about your soulmate got a strange reaction each time, all of the passengers of the car taking a moment to look between themselves before giving you vague answers. His name was Chrollo, and as their boss, they didn't feel it was right to tell you too much about him, or so they said. You found that he was well-read, though they still refused to tell you much about precisely what he read.

It felt useless to try and pursue the conversation further, as you were nowhere near their level of smarts in conversation. To try and alleviate some of the tension you were feeling, you attempted to bring up lighter topics, asking them for funny stories, which they somewhat complied with. Although their style of telling stories seemed odd to you, as they left out a lot of details without prompting, but you were at least happy that the focus was off of you.

They told you stories of traveling around the world, and how they saw some of the worlds most gorgeous sights and expensive luxuries nearly everyday. You had to assume that they were embellishing most of it, but they made their lives sound rather fun, and you wondered if your own friends were giving Chrollo anywhere near as good an impression back home.

It had to have been at least an hour before another fear hit you, one that plagued you nearly everyday. From your perspective, everything was going well, they were laughing and telling stories not just to you but with each other, which indicated that they were happy with how how you acted. However, the fear that plagued you from inside told you that they weren't happy, that you had done something wrong and now they were laughing at you. Looking back on every word you had spoken, you felt almost physically sick, seeing every flaw in your word choice and tone in hindsight.

The passengers were looking and laughing between themselves and talking, so they didn't notice right away that there were tears gathering in your eyes, for which you were grateful. Just as suddenly as you were sat there, surrounded by happy voices with tears in your eyes, you were back home, sat amongst your own friends, who laughed perhaps even louder.

Once you came to and realized that you were no longer driving, and in fact were sitting on your own couch with your own friends, the tears really started to run. The letter that you had spent so much time carefully writing was clutched hard in your hand, but not so much that it would crumple or bend.

You quickly stood while mumbling an excuse, rushing to your room as your friends called after you. It felt odd to be back in your own body, the smells and sounds of everything hitting you horribly clearly. There was very little you could do to keep yourself from getting overwhelmed.

Your friends had already been prepared for what to do if you were overwhelmed coming back from your switch, but that didn't stop their concern for the way you were acting.

"Hey, (Y/N)? You okay in there?" Jo's voice came through the door, and you were grateful that your closest friend was here for you. "The others are all gonna start heading home now, but I'm gonna stick around. I don't want you to feel alone at the moment."

With a quick confirmation from you from behind the door, Jo headed to get some rest in the living room. Practically falling into your bed, you pulled the weighted blanket you had gotten as a gift over yourself, staring up at the ceiling as all of the feelings of excitement and fear finally crashed down on you.

-----

Thanks for reading!

[thechangeling]

But you like her better: Part 1

This fic features Kit's potential new girlfriend hinted at in a letter from Tessa to Magnus in CC's newsletter. A bunch of people in the fandom built her from the ground up @littlx-songbxrd @foxglove-airmid @the-wckd-powers @adoravel-fenomeno and @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood to name a few, and gave her a personality, name and backround. Their name is Marí.

Kit uses he/they pronouns in this fic and Marí uses she/they.

Cw: Disassociation (or at least how I experience it idk it might not be the same for everyone), negative self talk, self injurious stims, and bad coping mechanisms.

Title is from Heather by Conan Gray.

Marìa. Marí as she preferred to be called, was a bubbly kind soul with a wide inviting smile and a melodic voice.

Even Ty could admit that they were quite beautiful, despite not seeing women (or in Marí's case anyone who was particularly alienated with womanhood,) in a romantic or sexual light. It took him awhile to realize he was gay, but when he did it just seemed so obvious. He had gone through a minor phase of experimentation at the scholomance when he was younger but it hadn't lasted long.

Still Marí was stunning. And perhaps what made her even more stunning was her kindness and generosity. Ty had met her on the beach in LA while she and her parents were visiting the LA institute for a downworlder/shadowhunter summit being held by Helen, Aline, Mark and Cristina, similar to the one Julian held in 2012.

Ty noticed that Tessa and Jem were present, but Kit was not. He was not exactly sure how that should make him feel. So Ty elected to push the pain in his chest further down. To shove all if his unresolved feelings and worries and questions about Kit Herondale back into the metaphorical box and move on.

So he had gone outside to walk on the beach to distract himself when he found Marí sitting on the sand and crying.

Apparently according to them, they had come across a few dead moon jellyfish, or Aurelia aurita as was more scientifically accurate, that had washed up on the beach.

Ty remembered being moved by how she had such compassion for another living creature who wasn't even a person. It was rare. Ty had helped her bury them. She seemed wary and a little hostile around him at first, noticing his runes. She was clutching her body tightly. Ty noticed her anxiety and told her how he was also a lover of aquatic life and he found marine biology fascinating. This had prompted her to instantly change demeanor and become very excited and start jumping up and down and waving her hands before she told him that she was studying marine biology at university in Devon.

The mention of Devon should gave promoted Ty to wonder if Marí knew Kit but he was still putting up mental blocks to protect himself from the Kit situation so it hadn't crossed Ty's mind.

They had sat on the beach and talked for hours. Marí told him their name and that they used she/they pronouns. They also told Ty that they were from Devon, but their family was from Loiza, a city on the Northeastern coast of Puerto Rico. And also that they were all werewolves who pretty much hated shadowhunters but he seemed ok because he liked jellyfish. They mentioned that marine biology was one of their special interests and that they were autistic and had ADHD.

It would have been the perfect opportunity to tell Marí about him also being autistic but Ty being guarded and asocial, decided not to and told her as little as possible. He supposed he had some trust issues after everything. He mentioned his name, that he was attending the scholomance, and a few basic facts about his family. He also talked about his friend Alyssa Reyes. 

Alyssa or Ali as he called her, was a werewolf with Maia's pack in New York. She was assigned as a liaison to the scholomance to act as a bridge between the werewolves and future centurions. And BOY had she complained about it. Alyssa was basically the president of the fuck shadowhunters club and she was autistic and had ADHD. She and Marí would have gotten along quite well.

Marí overall did most of the talking but she didn't seem to mind. On the contrary.

Ty had no idea that by that point they were already dating Kit.

When Kit returned with apologetic smiles and a new found charisma and confidence, he also brought her. And she was so happy to see Ty again that he felt so guilty for feeling torn up inside.

Ty couldn't hate Marí. Not even if he tried. They hadn't done anything wrong and neither had Kit. So Ty would just have to settle for hating himself for being angry over nothing.

Kit and Ty weren't really talking. Sure they had exchanged some words together when basically forced to, but Kit was being standoffish and Ty was still feeling a little annoyed. But mostly hurt. Ty had heard that Kit was using he/they pronouns and now identified as genderfluid. He had so many questions for Kit but Ty knew he couldn't ask. At least not right now.

Currently Ty was watching Kit and Marí talking. Kit was in the middle of telling her what looked to be a funny story based on the way she was laughing. Kit pushed a lock of dark curly hair back behind her ear and smiled.

Ty felt queasy. He bit his lip and averted his gaze trying to shake off the horrible feeling. Everytime he saw them together his chest felt like it was being squeezed by a juicer. Like he was being crushed and torn up on the inside and it was his fault. Just like it was his fault that Kit left. Or maybe that wasn't true. Maybe it was just inevitable but that didn't make it any easier.

Ty didn't have the right to be jealous or upset. He had no claim over Kit. He was being ridiculous he told himself as he attempted to shove all of these dark feelings into the box.

But this time it wasn't working.

"Alright you look like you're about to snap crackle and pop," Ty heard a voice say beside him. "What gives Sherlock?"

Ty looked up to see Alyssa Reyes standing next to him. When they had all congregated together in the LA institute and Kit had brought Marí and his friend Janessa back with them. Ty had decided to bring his lucky charm and close friend with him.

When Alyssa first came to the scholomance things were quite rough. But they had connected, first on the basis of being autistic and then through other things. Ali also had a love of mysteries and the two of them together were quite the team. The two of them had become incredibly close. Anush called her Irene because she was the only one who could outsmart Ty.

Speaking of Anush..

He was currently still back at the scholomance. They had both decided it was best for him to stay behind so they could spend some time apart. They had recently broken up after Ty finally realized he wasn't in a good place emotionally to date anyone. Ty had been forced to put Livvy's spirit to rest permanently when it started to have an affect on the mortal world negativity. It had been Livvy herself who had begged Ty to save the world at her expense.

That had been about a month ago and Ty was still relatively numb. He had a feeling it would begin to hurt eventually. Just not yet.

"Hey did you hear me?" Alyssa raised her voice. "What's wrong?" Ty refocused on his friend.

She was wearing her costume for the Halloween party they were all attending tonight. Kit, Ty, Dru, Alyssa, Marí, Jaime, Janessa and Thaís. It was Dru herself who had suggested they need a break from essentially preparing themselves for what was probably going to be another war. So they were headed to a vampire hosted party at a club in downtown LA. Alyssa had been sure to grab earplugs for Ty and herself which he was grateful for.

Alyssa was dressed as Aeryn Sun from Farscape, one of the many autistic coded characters from scifi that she was obsessed with. She was wearing a long black leather trench coat with black leather pants and a black tank top. Her dark brown hair was pulled back onto a long braid traveling down to her lower back. She even had leather boots and a fake blaster gun holstered at her thigh to complete the look.

And Ty of course, was dressed as Sherlock.

Ty shook his head at her. "Nothing Ali I'm fine."

Alyssa glowered at him. "Bullshit you're fine. I thought we agreed never to lie to each other?"

Ty sighed, gazing back at Kit and Marí, still smiling at each other. Alyssa followed his gaze.

"Oh you're jealous aren't you!" She declared matter of factly. Ty instantly shushed her.

"Oh relax they can't hear us, she muttered. We're too far away." She twirled her long braid and stimmed with the ends of it. "You know if you plan on taking your anger out on that lovely girl, a member of our COMMUNITY no less, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, then I'm like legally required to throw hands," she said with a smile.

Ty didn't smile back. "I wouldn't," he murmered, looking down. He had been flicking his fingers lazily at his sides, but now Ty found that wasn't good enough. He dug his fingernails into his right palm.

Alyssa looked concerned. "Hey I was just kidding," she said softly. She took his hand that had been creating little half-moon red divots on his skin and carefully threaded his fingers through her own.

Ali squeezed Ty's hand. "You know I'm on your side no matter what." He squeezed back.

Ty looked at the couple again. Emotions swirled all around his heart like little ribbons grazing against the sides. It wasn't just jealousy neccessary and Ty was a little shocked to find that he wasn't angry anymore. He was just...what?

Sad?

Sad didn't even begin to feel like it covered it. He felt so lost. And alone. And.... He felt himself starting to drift away, separating from himself. Ty could hear the fuzzy far away echo of someone trying to speak to him, but he couldn't make out the words. They were getting further and further away.

Everything was blurry and out of focus.

"Ty!" He heard a voice shout. With a jolt he was snapped back into his body. He turned to face Alyssa who was staring at him, looking obviously alarmed.

But the worst part was that everyone else was staring at him too. Including Kit. They looked  shocked, but also something else that Ty couldn't quite pinpoint. There was an air of desperation to their voice when they asked,

"Are you ok?"

Was Ty ok?

It was such a funny question coming from Kit who hadn't spoken more than two words to him this whole time.

Kit who had left.

Ty didn't know what else to do except laugh. He burst laughing hysterically, almost falling from his position of where he was leaning against the wall. He desperately tried to gasp for air as he cackled.

Everyone was staring at him looking horrified. Dru pulled out her phone as if she was contemplating calling someone, then decided against it. Tears were starting to roll down Ty's cheeks as he kept laughing.

Alyssa grabbed his arm. "Alright, come with me," she ordered, dragging him to the side. Ty managed to stop laughing as she guided him firmly into the training room.

Ty's eyes were still blurry with tears, so he wiped them away. Alyssa was smiling at him softly, looking sympathetic. "It's gonna be ok Ty,: she cooed, taking his hand again. Alyssa began to rub slow soothing circles onto his palm.

"Ok, you wanna tell me what's going on now?" She asked gently. Ty sniffed and used his other hand to wipe away the rest of his tears.

"I don't know what to say," he admitted. "I don't know how to describe or explain it.

Alyssa nodded. "Well, try. You can use quotes or song lyrics if you want." Ty smiled. He was grateful that Ali understood.

Ty chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. "It feels like a tear in my heart. Like a part of me is missing and I just can't feel it," he quoted. Alyssa stared at him, pondering. She continued to stroke his hand.

"Do you think what you're missing is Kit?" She asked. "Do you miss him?"

Ty glared at Alyssa and snatched his hand back. "No," he said firmly. "I don't."

Ali rolled her eyes. "Jesus you're almost as bad at love as I am! It's like trying to open a rusted toolbox with a fork getting you to open up!" She snapped.

Ty bared his teeth under closed lips and glowered at her. "Well maybe I never asked for your help!"

"Well maybe you should calm down and recognize that I'm your friend and I'm worried about you!" She shouted back.

Guilt instantly washed over him, pricking his skin. Ty squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry Ali," he whispered.

He wished he could cry. Now more than ever Ty wished he could make himself cry. Over Livvy, over Kit. Over the coming battle. Over everything.

"Do you love them?" He heard her ask. There was no need to ask who she meant.

Ty opened his eyes. This was the thing he never acknowledged. Never said outloud. Never even let himself think it. Because it was terrifying. The acknowledgement of the truth.

The truth was that Ty would probably give his life just to see that adorable smile one more time. That he could tell you how many freckles Kit had because he had spent so many hours staring at Kit and counting them.

The truth was that when Kit held him, he felt closer to anyone then he ever had in his entire life. Ty had sat outside of Kit's door for hours, days even when they had first arrived because he had felt something, even then. Something pulling at him from the other side of that door like a magnet. He told himself it was just curiosity. A scientific curiosity.

It was the only thing that could logically explain Ty's obsession. It wasn't serious. It wasn't-

"I love him," Ty admitted shakily, breaking the silence. Even Alyssa looked a little suprised.

"I'm in love with Kit."

Before Ali could respond, Ty sensed movement by the training room door which they had forgotten to close. Ty instantly whipped around to see who it was, wondering frantically if they had overheard what Ty had said.

Standing in the door frame wearing her Mortica Addams costume for the party, complete with a jet black long wig was Marí.

And the look on their face suggested to Ty that they had heard every word.

I will try and get part 2 up as soon as I can! It will be from Marí's perspective.

The song Ty quotes is Can you hold me by NF.

Tag list: @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies   @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @arangiajoan @queenlilith43 @adoravel-fenomeno

[nagichi-boop]

Ways me & Submas are similar

Guys I’m not sorry, I gotta self indulge (and answer the question for myself of which twin I relate to more). Also I should note that while I am going to try and stick strictly to canon facts about Submas, some of these will somewhat veer into headcanon territory.

I will include links at the end to a couple of posts by someone who talks in detail about Ingo and Emmet’s personality in the context of them being autistic. This is by no means me suggesting I self dx (tho if you’re a self dxer reading it you’re totally seen and valid!), it’s just that their post includes a lot of references around their personality that I touch on in this post. So if you’re not sure what I’m talking about when I mention an aspect of Submas in a specific piece of media, chances are these posts will include them.

Spoilers for PLA ahead

(Also a few of the points are mildly venty)

Ingo

1. Flat facial expressions

This is mostly covered in Pokémon Masters and the Adventures manga, but Ingo isn’t the best at expressing himself facially. In Pokémas he expresses to the player that he has been told he looks very stern and is shocked when the player tells him that they have never seen him smile.

If I’m deep in thought, I’ll often get someone ask if I’m okay, I guess because I look sad when I’m not rly trying to mask. I also have a specific memory of sitting with my brothers for a picture and trying my best to smile, but my mum told me to smile anyways. I told her I was and one of my brothers told me I needed to stop being depressing. It wasn’t that I was sad (although I don’t particularly like being in photos), it’s just that I can’t really smile on command. I have to be genuinely happy to smile or else I have very awkward expression.

Also this is a side point, but I am bad at showing my emotions I think? For example, if you give me a gift, I have to strain myself to feign excitement. I will usually try and over express in my voice because I’m aware my face probably doesn’t really scream gratitude. I’m not sure if this is more tied to my depression though as it can take quite a bit to get me excited, though I did tear up from happiness when I got my Pokémon Time Sneasel plush so I have no idea. (Please look at pictures of the plush btw, it’s cute as hell- )

2. Loud when excited

Again, Pokémas is the main source of showing this, but when Ingo is excited, he yells “Braavo! Excellent!” very loudly.

Not really much to elaborate on here, but I often get told by my mum to be quiet cuz when I’m excitable (particularly if I’m talking about something that interests me), I start getting loud without realising it.

3. Talk too much about my interests

This is something that both twins share, but Ingo talks a lot about trains, especially when you consider him in Pokémas. I know I keep going back to that game but man does it give us a lot of cool tidbits about the twins.

I struggle a lot with small talk (I’ll touch on this later) but if you ask me a question about something I love and I feel comfortable that you won’t judge me, I will absolutely talk for a long time about such thing. This doesn’t happen much in real life since I hide most of my interests, but as a kid I know I annoyed myself friends because I would often talk about things I liked that they honestly didn’t care or ask about. In a way I’m jealous of Ingo and Emmet because they have each other to talk to about their interests and so aren’t ashamed of it. As for me, I have been unintentionally conditioned by those around me to believe that talking about what I like will make people hate me, so I don’t often get to pop off unless it’s online. Heck, this post is arguably me popping off about an interest.

4. Expressive language to compensate

Unlike Emmet who speaks stiffly (again, coming back to this later), Ingo speaks very formally when he speaks. It’s more apparent in the Japanese translations, but even in the English versions of the BW games, Ingo speaks in much longer sentences and with a more formal tone compared to his brother.

I don’t tend to speak that way because often times in too anxious to go “off script” (another thing I’ll elaborate later), but in terms of written speech, I tend to write a lot more formally in order to give the appearance of maturity. This doesn’t just apply to writing to places like the doctors but also just people in real life. Especially if I’m not comfortable with them, I will often speak in a very “retail person” esc manner - that is to say I try to be friendly and palatable while distancing myself personally in order to seem like a nice person. It’s not that I would say I’m a jerk, it’s just that I’m a lot more goofy and dorky when I don’t put effort into what I’m saying.

5. Speaking in references and puns

This is again something both twins do, but Ingo uses train puns in his everyday vocabulary. This is something that is true across all pieces of media and it just shows how much Ingo (and Emmet) loves trains.

I don’t make train puns, but I definitely do pick up quotes and mannerisms from fictional characters. At school I once said “I’m going to need some more popcorn” as a reference to MLP and to my surprise someone actually picked up on it. I can’t really think of any recent examples of using references in real life, but online I like to try and incorporate things from sources I like. I have started to say “verrry” in messages online and I’m also trialling “cool cool cool”, as a reference to the tv show Community. (If any irl examples come to mind, I’ll edit this section, but I don’t really speak to many people irl and when I do, I try to mask my personality as mentioned earlier.)

Emmet

1. Monotonous speech

I think it’s a bit easier to tell from Emmet’s English lines in Pokémas, but unlike Ingo who is very excitable and expressive in his voice, Emmet seems a lot more subdued. It’s not that he isn’t excited - in fact his facial expressions and body language scream the opposite - but he is a bit more monotonous when he speaks. And though it’s a bit reaching into headcanon territory, it seems possible that Emmet likely tries to “tone down” his excitement so to speak, which may also explain why he isn’t always vocally expressive. (Here’s his Pokémas English voice lines btw.)

If I’m not deliberately putting effort into sounding expressive, I tend to sound quite flat in the way that I speak. It probably doesn’t help much either that I have a rather deep voice. It’s not something I really care about, but when I did a stream a few weeks back on Discord, I did ask later in the stream whether I sounded more feminine or masculine and they said my voice could be interpreted as somewhat neutral. I guess that doesn’t rly mean monotonous, but I definitely sound more “girly” and expressive when I am making an effort to seem social and friendly as opposed to just being myself.

2. Social scripts

In the main series games, Emmet has a very formulated way of speaking. He even says himself that what he says and does doesn’t change, most likely because he scripts what he wants to say so that he is equipped for social situations.

I social script a lot. I often play out situations in my head and try to think of what to say in a variety of different outcomes. And when I speak on the phone, even for very short and simple calls, I often write out a script so that I know what to say as I get very stressed about saying the wrong thing. Even when I don’t expressly have a written script, I tend to repeat certain set phrases in situations. At work, I’d always greet customers with a “hiya”. I did a few times try to change it to “good morning” or “hello”, but I would often chicken out as it felt uncomfortable somehow to switch my greeting. Also, just the other day on the phone, when the doctor was telling me something I kept saying “thank you, that would be really helpful” every time she said what she was going to do to help me. I was aware I was repeating myself, but I couldn’t think of another way to express what I wanted to say.

3. Stimming is verrry fun!!

This is one of those instances where I veer a little into headcanon territory, but a few canon things that Emmet does can be interpreted as stimming. One example is how he walks in the manga. He swings his arms widely as he walks, which is most likely a stim. Him saying “verrry” could also be a sort of verbal stim or tic as well. And although the pointing pose he does with his either is actually a point and call method that train conductors use, some people have pointed out it’s actually quite a fun way to stim.

I don’t really walk like that - in fact my way of walking usually involves me either holding onto my bag straps, fiddling with my hands or doing the good all Raptor Hands ™ because holding my hands by my side feels unnatural to me. But I do stim in other ways! Much like the fandom interpretation of Emmet, I often flap my hands when I am excited, although usually when I notice myself doing it I stop myself. (I’ve had this stim for as long as I can remember, but I never knew what it was and part of me just thought it was silly, so I am now in the habit of stopping myself when I notice I’m flapping my hands.) I also clench my fists and shake them if I’m watching something intense and getting excitable over it. Then there’s other things like fidgeting with my hands, singing, doing a little dance, etc.

4. Losing a brother

I should probably immediately clarify that my brother is alive and well! What I’m speaking of is a metaphorical loss. While we don’t know what Emmet is going through as we haven’t seen anything canon about how he’s coping, how long Ingo has been missing from his life, whether he knows where Ingo is, etc, there’s a lot we can learn about Emmet from other sources. We know from multiple official sources that Emmet looks up to his brother a lot. He constantly praises his brother.

While I actually have two older brothers in real life, I remember being closest to my older brother, so this point is about him. He was the one who looked out for me, who would help me when I was stressed. I looked up to him so much and loved him to bits. But then when he moved out and got married, it almost felt as if he left the family. My family and I rarely get to see him and he doesn’t make much of an effort to reach out to me, either. I remember distinctly looking up at him once and my brain didn’t register his face as familial anymore. It feels like he is an acquaintance now, which is probably reflected a lot in how I talk to him. It’s formal and scripted, much like how I talk to people I’m unfamiliar with. Logically I know he’s my brother, but with my lack of object permanence I have for people and the fact I rarely interact with him anymore, it feels like he’s not my brother anymore. For those who have watched MLP (or even those that haven’t), an appropriate way to sum up how I feel is something Twilight said; “I could have gained a sister, but instead I just lost a brother.”

- x -

Well that was a lot longer than I expected oops. That’s what happens when I’m allowed to pop off about Submas and myself I suppose! Hopefully this was at least interesting to read? But let’s be honest, this is mostly self indulgence to compare myself to and project my own personality onto this beautiful dorks.

Also, I apologise for ending it on a really depressing note, so if you need a pick me up, please read the amazing posts below! It’s a really good analysis of the autistic traits that the twins exhibit and a lot of the points are things I mentioned/referenced in this post.

Links for the autistic Submas analysis posts:

Emmet

Ingo (and Emmet)

[punksarahreese]

“I care about you.” for fbi!au 👀

Care | Crosshairs

FBI!AU; Ava is distracted by something and a secret comes out

Prompt: “I care about you”

Word count: 1528

CW: hospital talk, stitches/needle mention

***

A twelve hour shift on a murder case was never fun, but a twelve hour shift with a pissed off partner was a hundred times worse in Sarah’s mind. She hadn’t expected to show up and immediately receive a cold shoulder and it seemed like everyone else felt the same. Agent Bekker had always been stern and case-focused, yet she also wasn’t one to ignore Penelope’s banter or not say good morning to Sarah.

That day Ava had been a completely different person. Her eyes were glued to her phone screen every chance she got, jumping at every notification sound even though Hotch glared at her for having her ringer on. She was restless too, pacing the bullpen whenever she had a free moment, and she didn’t bother to participate in any conversation. All of Emily’s teasing remarks fell on deaf ears, even earning the other woman an eye roll from the target of her jokes. Usually Ava met each comment with one of her own, which ended in the two women laughing together, yet nothing was ever said.

This is why her partner was worried, though she knew Ava would hate that she was distracted by fussing over her. She would have told her to stay focused on the case or go home if she was so distracted, not wanting to be coddled in the slightest. It didn’t stop Sarah from trailing after her into the locker room, silent in the empty room as she tried to figure out how to approach the situation.

“I know you’re there, Reese,” her words were monotonous and tired, as though the mere act of speaking was exhausting her. Given Ava’s insomniac track record, maybe it was just that. Either way, she waited with crossed arms until Sarah slinked out from behind the set of lockers, looking at her partner sheepishly.

“Out with it, then.”

“What’s wrong, Ava?”

“Nothing.”

Sarah looked at her incredulously, “You’ve been silent and standoffish all day. You’ve checked your phone at least twenty times every hour and you usually have it away during work hours. Also don’t think I didn’t see you and Penelope walk off earlier, she’s the only one you’ve spoken to today. So no, I don’t believe that it's nothing.”

“Don’t profile me,” Ava rolled her eyes, in the process of putting on her well ironed blazer. She didn’t speak again for a moment, instead busying herself with collecting her bag and not making eye contact. That was confirmation enough that something must be very wrong, since her partner was always confrontational as opposed to the quiet type.

“I care about you, Ava,” Sarah said softly, “That’s why I ask.”

“I-”

Sarah watched her silently, afraid she had already pushed too far. The last thing she wanted was to drive a wedge between them, especially since she was still the newbie and she wanted to be friends with her partner above all. Still, Sarah always wanted to help and she hated to see others suffer in silence. Ava wasn’t herself and it was worrying, so no one could blame her for being concerned.

“It’s… my daughter.”

“Daughter?” the confusion was clear on the brunette’s face, “I didn’t… didn’t know you had kids.”

“That was kind of the whole point.”

“Ava, why would you hide that? We’re you’re family here.”

“She’s only four,” the blonde sighed as she sat down on the bench across from her locker, “I’ve seen what having a family does to agents and the last thing I want is for her to get hurt because of me.”

“Still, no one knows?”

Ava chuckled dryly, “Mostly everyone. Penelope figured it out after about 2 months of me being here, she likes to background check us after all. Hotch probably knows because I doubt Strauss knew to keep it a secret. Everyone else is as in the dark as you were, though.”

“That’s a big secret to keep for this long…”

“I know,” she looked at Sarah seriously, “But I want it to say like that for as long as I can.”

The harsh tone made her flinch a little but she understood, Ava was a fierce protector so it was clear she would want her baby to be safe above all. She nodded, sitting down beside her partner, “You’re both safe with me.”

“Thank you, Sarah.”

“So, what’s wrong?” she added before the subject could drop, “What happened?”

“She fell at the park with her nanny today,” Ava answered, “Apparently she cut up her face pretty badly.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“I couldn’t leave to meet them at the hospital because this case is so important. She’s terrified of hospitals, Reese, and I’ve been trying to keep up with what’s going on.”

Sarah nodded, now understanding the attitude change of the day. She wasn’t a maternal person but she understood how fiercely a mother cared, she had seen it in JJ and other friends in the past. It made sense that Ava had been distracted, especially if she wasn’t sure how the child would handle a doctor’s visit.

“How bad is it?”

“Ten stitches,” Ava was clearly anxious if the way she was fiddling with her ever perfect curls was any indication, “She screamed the second the needle was out.”

“Poor baby.”

“She’s… we’re pretty sure she’s on the spectrum and it’s been hard. Since I started training at Quantico when she was so young I thought she would get used to the long work hours but any change is tough on her I think. I hate missing things, Sarah, and I hate knowing she’s scared or in situations she hates when I can’t be there.”

“I’m sorry, Ava. I can’t imagine how hard that is on you both.”

“She’s so strong but I still worry…”

Sarah hesitated before she asked the burning question that had been on her mind, “Is her father still in the picture?”

Ava laughed a little, “Heavens no. She never knew him, though he does still send child support thankfully. It never would have worked out between us and he wasn’t on board with me moving to the US anyway. I worry she’ll never have the right upbringing now, with a mother so busy and in a whole other continent than the rest of her family.”

“I think she’ll be just fine,” Sarah promised without a beat, “Your daughter has you, Ava, and you are the most loyal person I’ve met here. Besides, with a mother as strong as you? She’ll turn out to be a fierce little thing, I think.”

She was a little shocked when her partner looked at her with watery eyes, exhaustion clear on her face but there was something else. The gratitude that Ava looked at her with was overwhelming, smiling through the anxiety because that was something she had been dying to hear. From the moment she left South Africa all Ava had heard was that she was picking a career over her daughter. Her parents and friends had acted like she was hurting her daughter with such a big move, especially to go work for the FBI. Learning that she might also be autistic had been a deal breaker for her family, since they somehow thought it was all Ava’s fault. No matter how hard she had tried they wouldn’t listen to her when she said this was the best choice for her and her baby. She left so much behind when she left home and she lost almost all of her connections, yet here she had found someone who actually believed in her. Sarah believed in her ability as a mother and as an agent and that was maybe the most healing thing she had ever been told.

“Thank you,” she murmured, “Really. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.”

“I’m always here, Ava,” she replied and patted her knee gently, “You’re doing your best.”

Ava fumbled for her phone, fishing it out of her pocket and unlocking it. She was silent for a moment until she found what she was looking for. Passing the device to her partner, she smiled as she explained, “I took this picture when we visited home last year.”

It was a picture of a toddler on a beach, her blonde hair unkempt and her rainbow sweater sleeves hanging over her hands. She was half turned away from the camera but Sarah could still see the striking resemblance to her mother, though her eyes were grey she still had that stoic intelligence in her gaze. She couldn’t help but smile at the photo, or maybe she was smiling because of the amount of love on Ava’s face when she looked at it too.

“She’s adorable,” Sarah passed her phone back gently, “What’s her name?”

“Vivienne,” Ava answered fondly, “I call her Vivi.”

“That’s lovely.”

“Thank you,” the blonde bumped Sarah’s shoulder with her own, “For everything. I’m sorry for being so bitchy today.”

“It happens, you were just worried. I’m always here to talk to you, Ava.”

“I know, that’s what partners are for.”

“Of course,” Sarah laughed as she repeated something she always told her, “I do care about you, dummy.”

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 3/12

It was my mom’s birthday today, she seemed like she wasn’t sad about her dad’s death too much this year, so I did my best to keep it that way. My sister started throwing a tantrum but I got her too stop before mom came back into the room which is good. I was just very blunt with her that this year mom didn’t have extreme sadness behind her eyes and sh needs to put the complaining off till tomorrow and after repeating it a few times she understood and stopped. Mom and grandma talked about him once when they thought he was saying hi but it was only a few minutes and she didn’t get super sad and kept it in a happy way rather than letting it get her sad.

I almost called my brothers long term gf/kinda fiance sissy when she came in, which is what me and my sisters call each other and what we all call the oldest sibling. I told her about it before they left and it seemed to make her really happy :)

We had a good get to gather, my grandma was kinda odd in how I started taking things out of the bags and boxes to get them ready to prepare and she didn’t love how I was doing it, stopped me at one point then asked a minute later why I wasn’t helping, I just started unpacking how me and mom do things and let her be confused at what I was doing for a few minutes lol. I spent a few hours yesterday cleaning the house so mom could have it clean for her birthday and I forgot about the microwave and grandma opened it and got grossed out cause it was a bit dirty, really not very dirty, but apparently she cleans her’s once a week so dirty for her and 2 other people I guess lol. I eventually got it into her thick head by the time we were done getting the food prepared 20 minutes later that no, it isn’t MY FAULT the microwave is this dirty, and I’m the main person who cleans in this house and I cleaned the whole house yesterday and simply looked over the microwave, which no, isn’t my fault and isn’t that bad cause I, again, cleaned most of the house yesterday and had other things to do then clean a microwave. I did it in that was where you have to be nice and joking about it though cause that’s the only way to get grandma to understand things haha.

She ended up cleaning the microwave while I stood there telling her I could, and you know it wasn’t that dirty cause it took like 2 minutes haha, then she let us continue making the freaking mashed potato’s she got, we literally just needed to warm up mashed potato’s grandma

aaaand I just deleted this paragraph and I’m exhausted, um, in short, we played my oldest brothers new favorite board game after the grandparents left, is was a long game, add on my autistic brother who took veeeeery long turns. I was the cat clan so I just randomly would call myself a new way to say cat clan and such and I found it funny to see my brothers reactions, plus my twins friend, he was there :p. The friend and my twin wan, cause my twin’s played before a few times :p

My grandpa is 85, so he has really bad hearing, and he’s a tired man so he mostly just sits in his chair and talks when talked to, I love him so much :) I usually try to sit next to him but reeeeealy wanted to sit at the table lol. I honestly forget how this happened but I think my grandpa brought up how he wants to join back up with the army when he turns 90, idk if it’s just some joke I didn’t understand? He said it 2 more times later, and he said maybe he’d join the war going on rn, and I said hopefully the Ukraine war doesn’t last 5 years and all I was say is, grandpa is a savage about Putin XD he called him a crazy man and we agreed he probably has brain damage XD it was a funny convo and my grandpa, who’s Mexican btw, hates Trump, we love a comrade grandpa :p one of us said something about him and Putin being besties and my twin butt in and yelled “NO THEY’RE NOT!!!” He didn’t actually illiterate on that, just fumbled on a few semi sentences with no real statements and I just changed subjects cause I didn’t actually wanna talk about politics, I was just chatting with grandpa.

also, everyone ended up trying my new weighted blanket XD My oldest brothers gf didn’t know how she felt about it, my oldest brother immediately LOVED it, and my autistic brother loved it as well haha. My brother who it originally was for didn’t like it, is was suffocating to him, and my mom hated it, it felt repressive to her, of my special needs sister also tried it today, she liked it a lot, but I really don’t think she should use it without supervision cause she’s a tiny thing (scoliosis and other major health problems) who lost all her muscle during qaurentine and she tried to get up when it was on her and she could barely move, um, no thanks, let’s not crush my sister haha

It was a good day :)

Add on, almost forget, I made my mom a sparkly purple beanie for her birthday, I had her choose the pattern and used the yan I found I knew she’d love :p

[solarianvoidthearoace]

Excerpt#1 of my Gerry Keay/OC Magical/Mythical CollegeAU

CN/TW: Social Anxiety, discussion of mental illness, discussion of past trauma, awkward coming-out, miscommunication, misunderstanding, it/its pronouns for Michael Shelley, he/they pronouns for Gerry, they/them pronouns for OC, narrative mention of Mary Keay, mention of alcohol, mythical people living in a parallel society and amongst humans, original character talking German (two sentences; extrapolable from context)

“But sure, you're seeming nice so no problem.” Heaving a relieved sigh, Gerry followed them into the room. The two taking seats in the lower rows of the auditorium, seeing as Gerry’s companion wore glasses. Unpacking their notepads, pencil cases, and Gerry setting up his laptop. There was still time until the lecture was set to begin, so Gerry turned to his table neighbour,

“Your look sends very mixed signals, if I’m being honest.” They grinned, propping their chin up on the back of their hand,

“All the right ones, apparently”, demonstratively looking Gerry up and down. Making them look away, clearing his throat. They laughed,

“Not flirting, don’t worry. I’m Yanis.” He tried masking his relieved sigh best they could,

“Gerry.”

They did pay attention to the lecture, still, Gerry found out a bit more about his dyed ginger saviour. Yanis was in the same semester and some of the same courses has he was. Though they didn’t study for the same engineering degree, there was a decent overlap. Some courses Gerry needed for his software engineering degree much the same as Yanis needed for mechanical engineering. They easily offered they could study together. Yanis having been at the campus since they started their degree and knowing the ins and outs of it.

Having easily found common ground in their discipline of study, as well as their taste in music, Gerry had no qualms following Yanis to the canteen for a late breakfast. They kept chatting, switching back and forth between languages.

“So what if you’re 31?”, Yanis shrugged,

“I also had to take care of my health first. Plus we’re both neurodivergent so starting a college degree at all is more stressful to us. It’s not like anyone is rushing you.” Gerry rolled their eyes,

“Still. Being autist and depressed doesn’t exactly help my case here. That’s ignoring the ADHD and trauma.” A painted-black nail flicked his nose,

“Nope. None of that, you’re not demanded to keep pace with anyone and if your personal reasons bared you from even looking into college education until you were 25, then that’s how it is. Besides, it’s eight years between us. Don’t be dramatic.” Gerry tried to glare but they simply raised a brow in challenge, shutting him right up. While they weren’t in the same major, they compared their course schedules some more and found they were in the same philosophy and ethics courses for their minor. Gerry having decided to not put that on hold and taking the according courses in his semester in Germany as well.

By the end of the day, Gerry felt they had a better handle on his new college-everyday and possibly even made a friend. Which raised a few problems all of its own.

While Gerry had no problem with Yanis finding out what concretely had delayed his life so much, they had another problem. Gerry wasn’t human. And neither was their best friend Michael, for the matter, it being a changeling and his nature chaotic to a fault. Gerry themself was, depending on what one believed, involuntarily threatening to humans.

His mother having been a hulder, a mythical being almost looking like a human. The feature most telling of their mythical nature, though, the fact that they look hollow if seen in the right light, from the right angle. Akin to forest spirits, hulders were drawn by their nature to lure townspeople into forests. Not inherently malicious, of course, their blonde hair and fair skin drawing mostly men in.

With an established mythical society existing in parallel to the non-magical human society, there were laws and proper paperwork surrounding magical and mythical people’s “otherness” and characteristics.

Characteristics which were the life-long obsession of his mother. Her trying to create offspring of her own that would be inherently dangerous to humans and as malicious as she had been. Gerry hated thinking about his father almost more than he hated his mother. But matter of fact was, being half-hulder, and his father having been a river-nix, Gerry was… alluring. Drawing people in without them realising as much if he acted the wrong kind of way towards them. Gerry forced to be constantly mindful of their nature, as to not accidentally harm someone.

Which was why they usually didn’t make friends. Having to make sure the person wasn’t human as to not endanger them.

And yet, they got stuck with Yanis. Gerry was glad it was autumn, the chance of light hitting him in just the wrong way dwindling. But he couldn’t help their worried unease, recognising Yanis and them grew closer.

It wasn’t that Gerry was set out to avoid Yanis, having taken them up on an invitation to lunch and even to revise notes and study together. But Gerry had a bad feeling about it, especially when he grew to see them as a friend. They did try bringing some more distance between them, an attempt so he didn’t need to outright evade Yanis. Declining their invitations more often than not, excusing themself and finding reasons to convince himself it was the right thing to do.

Having forced himself to take a step back, Gerry caught themself looking for them. It had started so he could more easily get around them, trying to deter Yanis from inviting him in the first place so they didn’t have to turn them down as often.

Gerry wasn’t oblivious to their whole demeanour getting muted once it had clicked that he was trying to push distance between them. But seeing Yanis less cheery and energetic made Gerry realise some things about them.

Yanis wasn’t much smaller than him, a few inches at most. But they carried themself in a way that made them stand out. Gerry had learned Yanis had chronic pain, making it hard on them to be on their feet the entire day. Rarely, they wore leg braces, limiting their range of motion further than their chronic pain already did. Still, Yanis was confident and most days glossing over their frequent aches with relative ease. It had been more apparent when they hadn’t been upset but the way Yanis walked was… with purpose. Every step seeming deliberate and not to be questioned. While that cocksure confident way to carry oneself wasn’t all that remarkable, it stood out in Yanis.

And Gerry needed a good long while to figure out why.

Michael had badgered them to get out and socialise. It was the last week before winter break and there was a social happening of the engineering faculty. Gerry had put on a nice button shirt and proper slacks before touching up their black nail polish and putting on a hint of eyeliner.

Yes, he was cautious not to accidentally draw humans in but that didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to tart themself up. Gerry hadn’t even really planned to talk to anyone, if they were being honest. Just mingling among people and feeling alone in the crowd instead of feeling alone by himself.

That was, until aquamarine and black varnished fingers held a bottle in his field of vision. Gerry couldn’t fight down his smile before closing their eyes. Shaking his head, they just let it happen. Let that gentle affection wash over him for just a moment.

“Thought you might be here tonight”, Yanis held out the drink,

“The crown cap is still sealed.” Gerry pulled a face as to not smile despite themself. He sighed,

“You’re quite persistent.” Yanis raised a rather expressive brow at him,

“If you honestly wanted me gone, you would have told me. So I dare say you don’t want me completely gone. It’s nice having someone who can keep up with my ADHD jumping through topics, plus being able to overlook what allistics call me weird for.” When he finally took the bottle, their smile turned from friendly to bright. He bit his lip, trying to hide it behind the bottle. Yanis offered them their bottle opener.

“Got me there. And yes, having a neurodivergent friend is quite unwinding”, he admitted. Opening the drink, Gerry took them in. A proper once-over. They weren’t primped either but certainly had put thought into their casual suit not clashing with their once-again stark-red hair. Gerry having seen Yanis cycling through vibrant red washing out to ginger, before they went back to dyed poppy-red.

Gerry felt admittedly awkward standing together with them. Very much aware of how they had avoided them after all. Nursing their drinks, they kept quiet. Even though Gerry noticed Yanis also taking in his appearance. After some time he sighed,

“I’m sorry. It’s…”, they broke off, shaking his head.

“Complicated?”, Yanis offered with a huff,

“That’s one way to put it, I suppose.” Gerry raised a brow at them. Before he could ask what they were referring to, though, Yanis turned to him properly.

“Did you notice there’s a dance floor?” They blinked in surprise,

“Uh… yea, I did.” Yanis snorted, taking his empty bottle from them and depositing the glass on a nearby tray for used tableware.

“So, can you dance?”, Yanis’ smile inviting and warm,

“And would you dance with me?” Gerry froze, biting his lip and looking away. He knew they shouldn’t. They were very much aware that Yanis needed to keep their distance from him. He swallowed thickly,

“I can dance but…” Yanis hummed expectantly.

“We shouldn’t, okay? I don’t want to elaborate on that.” Yanis’ face cleared as they gave a soft ‘oh’ of understanding.

When Gerry looked back at them, Yanis was looking at them. The expression in their eyes making him pause. A glint of intent, resolve. But their overall demeanour had changed as well. That deliberate way they carried themself was back, not in a way that intimidated. But even standing next to Gerry, he could see they were moving with an intent, with a conscious focus on the way they moved to get there.

Yanis licked their lip,

“I will respect your turndown. But I would like you to know that I know.” Gerry froze. Raising a brow, Yanis’ tone turned gentler still,

“And I really don’t want to push you towards anything. Or put you up to anything.” Gerry felt his amusement bubbling up when Yanis said as much. The idea of someone human inciting a mythical or magical person to anything at all seemed a bit laughable.

“I’m aromantic myself”, they shrugged,

“And asexual.” Their smile turning into a bit of a smirk, cheeky just around the edges. Gerry’s face cleared in surprise, his jaw dropping a bit. His amusement freezing over with a faint ‘oh’ of their own. Before he grimaced,

“I am aromantic, yes, but that’s not it. I’m sorry, you’re a really nice person. You have been nothing but friendly and a reliable friend at that. It’s…”

Yanis closed their eyes, brows raised, before they snorted.

“Let me stop you right there. I know you have been avoiding me, I have respected that you were avoiding me”, they looked him in the eye,

“If you want me gone, I won’t bother you again. I’ll be out of your hair and we don’t have to even talk again.” Gerry felt his face fall, nervously biting his lip once more. Yanis wasn’t done just yet,

“But if you would like to, I want to get to know you”, a short jerk of their head,

“Properly get to know you. I think both our first gut feeling about the other was that we could become pretty great friends. And that’s all I’m suggesting.” Gerry needed a moment to process that. To let sink in that Yanis was really just curious about his friendship. Something they had so far always had to be wary around. At least until Gerry knew whether the person in question was human. Yanis huffed,

“While you process whether to give us a try, I’ll get us new drinks.” Gerry blinked, then nodded when they realised Yanis was waiting on his okay. Another one of those bright friendly smiles before they turned away. Gerry didn’t know what it was but they followed Yanis with his eyes. Their red hair easy to make out even in the crowd.

Just as he was about to turn away, he noticed something. Yanis was a very body-aware person, conscious and deliberate to a point it might seem standoffish. They had explained how it related to their chronic back and joint pain. But as Gerry watched them move through the crowd, he realised just how easily they moved around people. Almost light-footed, turning out of others’ ways with ease.

Despite them being almost as tall as him, and dressed in dark clothes, something about Yanis’ way through the crowd seemed almost airy.

It didn’t fit. It should have clashed immensely.

As they moved back towards him, Gerry realised what had been so weird about Yanis’ bodily confidence. They didn’t seem to make way for themself. Not at all. While that sureness was clear as day, written all over their most minute movements.

The way Yanis moved was the harsh opposite. Gerry was tempted to call it floaty. He knew they could make a way for themself through people, had witnessed as much a few times in the bustle of the campus. But how Yanis moved around people seemed just as natural.

Not even the slightest touch between them and the people around, as if some shimmer was keeping Yanis from being touchable. Kept up their airy strut, as if they weren’t turning and stepping around people.

The contrast did not make sense. And seeing as Gerry’s best friend was a changeling, well, if things didn’t make sense, it was likely some faerie or other was involved.

Which, on the one hand, would mean Yanis was safe from his own magic. But on the other hand it would raise so many more questions around them. About them.

Gerry couldn’t help his sceptical look when Yanis returned. Frowning at them, unsure whether to trust what they had seen.

“You're looking at me like that again”, Yanis raised a brow at him. Gerry gnawed his bottom lip,

“You’re a bit of a mystery, if I’m being honest.” But took the offered bottle none the less. Yanis’ warm smile returned,

“Well, I suppose it’s on you whether you care to figure me out, then.” An easy shrug as they raised a brow at him.

Gerry didn’t reply. They had not clue what to reply to that. And what they wanted to reply in the first place. Yanis didn’t push him. Much to Gerry’s relief. They fell back into companionable silence, emptying their drinks. When the bottles were empty, Yanis looked at him for a long moment. Searching their face. Yanis’ expression fell a bit, their smile not reaching their eyes anymore. Still, they only grimaced a little before sighing,

“So… have a good night, then.” Taking his empty bottle to take it away with their own, Yanis turned to go. Looking back over their shoulder,

“I guess I’ll see you around.” And with a final shrug and smile, they were gone in the crowd. Gerry stared after them before he closed their eyes and sighed. Silently cursing themself, he turned away from the crowd as well. One hand coming up to cover his mouth. Yanis had been right, if Gerry really had wanted them gone, he could have told them as much anytime. If they had wanted Yanis gone, he could have told them as much when they literally offered to leave him alone.

But Gerry didn’t. Because Gerry hadn’t and still didn’t want them gone.

They spent another few minutes turning things over in his head. What he had to consider if they really tried building a genuine friendship with Yanis.

Once he started looking around for them, Gerry regretted their delay. Not able to make out the red shock of hair, Gerry pulled out his phone. If he couldn’t find Yanis, he might at least tell Michael about his hunch. They had been friends for forever but Gerry still wasn’t all that confident to make out people that were connected to faerie. It was his best idea at the moment but he might just as well be off. Asking Michael for his opinion was a solid thing, also maybe it could distract Gerry if they really didn’t find Yanis again. Which meant Gerry would have to approach them around their next shared lecture.

Pocketing their phone, he looked up and around once more.

And huffed in amusement, Yanis standing almost directly in his line of vision. Albeit turned from them and leaning with their chin propped up over a bar table. Despite having avoided them, Gerry knew their usual posture well enough to see Yanis had to adjust to their pain at the moment. Holding their weight cautiously and reducing tension in their back and legs. Coincidentally, Yanis was looking at their own phone when Gerry came closer. And if he wasn’t mistaken, they were looking at the recent chat chronic between the two of them. The small frown pulling down the corner of Yanis’ lips gave Gerry a weird boost of confidence.

As he stepped up to the table, Yanis looked up.

“Du schon wieder”, they raised a brow but their frown had vanished. The quip good natured and accompanied by a small smile. Gerry couldn’t help smiling themself. With a slight head-tilt, he shrugged,

“Well, I can admit that I went looking for you.” Feeling a blush creep up on him, they tried fighting down his smile. Yanis turned to them fully, still with one elbow leaning on the table, they raised a brow. Giving Gerry a once-over. A short jerk of their head,

“Okay, und?” Gerry took a deep breath,

“You wanted to dance with me”, he shrugged,

“How about that invitation?” Yanis’ smile brightened a bit, stepping away from the table and coming closer. They offered him a hand,

“Your lead or mine?”

[fanfic-corner]

Bisexual Dean

9/12/20 - Is Dean canonically bisexual? That’s a fun question (it depends on where you live, I suppose). Anyway, nothing is stopping you from reading these beautiful fics involving a very bi main character.

Tabula Rasa by Dangerousnotbroken on AO3. (78,340 words).

Tags: Writer!Castiel, Bartender!Dean, Past Relationship, Magic, Canon Typical Violence, Mentions of Alcoholism, Mentions of Past Child Neglect, Mental Illness, Witches, Ghosts, Bisexual Dean, Bisexual Castiel, Angst, Slow Burn, Memory Loss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Once upon a time, Castiel Novak had everything. He had a happy home life, a full scholarship, and, if he played his cards right, a promising journalism career. And on top of all of that, he had Dean. Then tragedy struck, as it tends to do, and Castiel lost everything. At thirty six, he’s got none of those things. He’s got no family to speak of. He’s got a job investigating purportedly true tales of the supernatural for a magazine no one reads. And worst of all he hasn’t seen Dean in nearly twenty years. So when research for an article turns him on to a witch who apparently grants wishes in exchange for stories, Castiel figures it’s worth the risk. If making a deal with a witch can get him Dean back, what has he got to lose?

Notes: This was absolutely amazing; written beautifully, with a fantastic plot.

Take You To The Country by almaasi on AO3. (18,987 words).

Tags: Historical AU, Propositions, Eloping, Newspapers, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Misunderstandings, Pining, First Kiss, Established Relationship, Running Away Together, Moving In Together, Childhood Friends, Marriage Proposal, Businessman Dean, Farmer Dean, Emotional Dean, Bisexual Dean, Domestic Dean Winchester, Clockmaker Castiel, Autistic Castiel, Frustrated Sam.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: A Dean/Cas 1950s AU. Dean reads an elopement proposal in the town's local newspaper, written by some old soul in love with their best friend. He's mid-way through expressing to his brother how beautiful he finds it when Dean realises the proposal is for him.

Notes: I love Sam’s subsequent letters to the newspapers at the end, it was just a really good idea done really well.

A Little Slice Of Heaven by onamelancholyhill on AO3. (112,265 words).

Tags: Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, Falling in Love, POV Dean Winchester, POV Third Person, POV Castiel, Bakery and Coffee Shop AU, Episode: s4e17 It’s a Terrible Life, Alternate Universe - Human, Explicit Sexual Content, Bisexual Dean, Idiots in Love.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Jim Morrison once said, “The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.” That was Castiel Novak’s motto in life, and the reason why he accepted his grandmother's inheritance and took the responsibility it implied. Dean Winchester, a remarkable accountant at Sandover Bridge & Iron Inc., however, had other priorities. He lived to serve, hidden in a mask that didn’t allow him to be honest with himself, but lonesome and boring. When destiny made their paths cross, in a less than promising way, with Dean as the instigator and Castiel as his victim, Dean’s mind started wandering, in between pies and cakes, coffees and muffins... What if Mr. Morrison was right? After all, as the guy used to say, "there can’t be any large-scale revolution, until there’s a personal revolution first."

Notes: This was so cute and I adored the plot! It’s making me want to rewatch It’s A Terrible Life but I’ll live.

Just Like You by imherecauseimnotallthere98 on AO3. (35,717 words).

Tags: Homophobia, Homophobic John, Hurt Dean Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Protective Castiel, BAMF Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Angry John, Angry Dean Winchester, Angry Sam Winchester, Protective Bobby Singer, Awesome Bobby, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Scared Dean, John Being an Asshole, Swearing, Bisexual Dean, Pansexual Castiel, Past Child Abuse, Accidental Outing, Death Threats, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Sharing a Bed.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: When John shows up at their door in the middle of the night, the Winchesters and Cas start looking into who or what could have brought him back. Meanwhile, Dean struggles to keep his relationship with Cas a secret from his father, with some help from Sam. The tension rises between the Winchesters as Dean shows John that he is no longer the obedient little soldier he once was, and tries to establish himself as an equal with his dad.

Notes: Bobby and Sam are icons in this and should have followed through on their threats. That will be all.

Walk Through Fire For You by purple_charlie on AO3. (2,332 words).

Tags: John Winchester’s A+ Parenting, Angst, Pride, Marijuana Use, Polyamory, Gay Cas, Bisexual Dean, Bisexual Gabriel, Everyone is Queer.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Boyfriend. The word still feels foreign in Dean’s mouth, still brings back echoes of John Winchester’s thinly-veiled (if even that) homophobia. "Man up, don’t be a sissy, I didn’t raise a fairy". It’s a swollen blister in the back of Dean’s mind, throbbing with pain whenever a stranger’s eyes linger too long on Cas’ hand in his, whenever a waitress double-takes at how close they sit in diner booths. But here, dirty dancing with Cas in a warehouse full of other queer folks, Dean wants to shout from the rooftops- I’m Dean Winchester, I drive the baddest car in town, I lift heavy things for a living, and this is my boyfriend.

Notes: This was so sweet it nearly made me start crying - Cas deserved to be told that he was loved!

Bottom’s Up by mnwood on AO3. (28,103 words).

Tags: Fluff and Crack, Wing Kink, Domestic, Smut, Bisexual Dean, Resolved Sexual Tension, Established Relationship, Wedding Planning, Partying, Weddings.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Sam could’ve kissed them both when he got to the bunker one day to find a string of clothing (his heart nearly burst with hope when he saw the abandoned flannel and trench coat) leading to a very naked pile of limbs tangled on the couch. Just kidding. Of course it wasn’t the couch. Sam always imagined it as the couch because the fact that he actually found them on the dining room table had tainted the happiness of the memory.

Notes: Jesus, I did not need that level of detail into Dean and Cas’ sex life (but it was very funny).

Stories Are Made Of Mistakes by wildhoneypie on AO3. (4,942 words).

Tags: Human Castiel, Diners, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Dean, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Case Fic, Domestic, Didn’t Know They Were Dating.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Cas is human and doesn’t understand basic concepts like: clothing, Mythbusters, moisturizer, and Greek food. Dean is…Dean and doesn’t understand basic concepts like: boyfriends, language, how to tell your friend that he’s a walking miracle, and when not to quip.

Notes: This was so cute and I live for human Cas. I also love the recurring ‘no fucking quipping’ joke in this, although the idea of Cas swearing broke me a bit!

And this one, which has no Destiel content but a very bi Dean:

Uniform of a Winchester by monsterfuckerdean on AO3. (20,591 words).

Tags:  Canon Compliant, Missing Scene, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bad Parent John Winchester, Young Sam Winchester, Young Dean Winchester, Pre-Season 1, Episode: s5e2 Free to Be You and Me, Angst and Feels, Queer Themes, Character Study, Diners, Sibling Love, Family, Friendship, HBO SPN.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: We all know the story of the amulet Dean wears around his neck. But what about everything else he wears?

Notes: Okay, I have to admit that I am loving the HBO SPN vibes even though I am fully aware that if it was a real show I wouldn’t watch it. This is so good though, and the writing is gorgeous!

My friend came out to me as bisexual this week, and paired with the mess that is the Spanish dub, I thought this would be nice as a little reminder that it doesn’t matter how the show ended, because the fans will always be here and we will always be supportive. Anyway, enjoy!