#there was scene where they were having a picnic (already gay)

[neonsbian]

WAIT i think this book might actually be gay

[hearteyeshayley]

could you post other parts of your og draft for “call me from the platform”? i love your stories and the way you write the characters is amazing!

ahh thank you! <3 <3 <3 This ask makes me feel like a real fic writer lmao. I'd love to share!!! call me from the platform is definitely the fic I've spent the longest working on, and each draft was so different!

Here's a cut scene from the draft where I was still doing Damian's POV:

Damian couldn’t eat the breakfast sandwiches. They were made of egg, cheese, and bacon. He texted Jon and instructed him to meet at the nearest park. Damian already claimed a picnic table for them. The food was cold by the time he got there, but he accepted the bag when Damian pushed it toward him. 

“Thanks,” Jon said. 

“I can’t eat them. They’re probably terrible, anyway. Drake bought them.” 

“Why did he buy you food you can’t eat?” Jon asked, unwrapping a sandwich and taking a bite. 

“He bought them for himself,” Damian studied Jon’s face carefully, and pointedly added, “and Conner.” 

Jon huffed a little laugh, which was extra gross because he was eating. He chewed and swallowed.

“Wow, Conner. He must be growing on you. You called me Kent forever.” 

“Shut up, Kent.” 

Jon smiled fondly and Damian forced himself to looked away. 

“Aren’t you going to ask why I stole their breakfast?” 

“Was it because they annoyed you?” 

“Conner said he knows you’ve snuck out of the house.” 

Jon cringed. 

“Oh, shoot. Well, sometimes it’s hard to stop yourself from listening and everything. Dad’s way better at it. I bet he doesn’t know, at least.” 

Damian leaned forward. 

“Have you ever accidentally listened to Conner? Perhaps there’s something we could use against him, to make sure he doesn’t tattle.” 

“Um… no. But I don’t think he’ll tell. He’s cool. And he hasn’t so far.” 

Damian sat back and tapped his finger against the table. So, Jon didn’t know. He didn’t think he did, because Jon told him everything. The thought made his stomach twist but he ignored the pull of guilt. Jon told him everything, and Damian had secrets. They both knew it, so it was fine. 

He thought that seeing Father for essentially two days a week would repair their relationship, but they fought more than ever. When they returned to the cave in the early hours of dawn they got into their worst fight yet over whether or not Damian would be attending college. He pretended to go to bed before sneaking out and catching a string of public transportation to the outskirts of Metropolis. By the time he walked back to Tim’s he’d been up for 24 hours and all he wanted to do was wake him up and tell him the new plan—  that he would be staying in Metropolis full-time and patrolling with Jon— but it wasn’t Tim sleeping in his bed. 

It was an embarrassing shock, to say the least. He’d learned to knock after years of living with Dick and Bruce, but he never expected that sort of surprise from Tim. And he certainly didn’t expect Tim to be gay or bisexual or whatever. He managed to compose himself before confronting the clone— but then he tried to pull that basic blackmailing bullshit, threatening to make it more difficult for him to see Jon. It set him off, even though now that he’d had time to cool down, he realized Jon was right. Conner Kent was hardly a threat. 

It wouldn’t be right to tell Jon, no matter how much he itched to.

But finding out Tim was queer rattled him and left him strangely on edge. He wanted to talk about it with someone, so they would be rattled, too, and he would have concrete proof that it wasn’t just him. It was news that would shock anyone. If Grayson found out, he would be rattled. If Jason found out, his chest would tighten. If Duke found out, he would feel off balance. Just like Damian. 

Jon crumpled up the sandwich wrapper and shoved it back into the bag. He stretched. He could draw Jon with his eyes closed but he still caught himself staring at him all the time like he was a fresh face he needed to memorize. By this point it must’ve been habit. Jon’s arms were long and lean, but he had filled out a lot since starting high school. The lines that made up his face had gotten sharper. His eyes, even behind his glasses, were brighter than the blue sky behind him. It was impossible to capture the way they lit up on canvas, even though Damian was a very talented artist. 

“Do you want to hang out at my house?” Jon asked. 

Damian wasn’t sure what he wanted at all.

[lucky-dreamfisher]

Queer Subtext in The Illusion of Living - Part 5/5

It’s time to address the elephant in the room: Henry.

Joey tries very, very hard to ‘no homo’ his relationship with the man:

“His presence was helpful, I can happily admit, but his absence was even more so. Not having him at the studio ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to it. Of course, the funny thing is, I couldn't have not had him without having him in the first place. Just like you can't appreciate the light if you haven't spent time in the dark, so too does a person's absence become clear only if he has been around.” TIOL, page 154

“A letter from Henry. You might not think I'd keep such a thing, but I do. I have no ill will toward the man as you know. Him leaving, as I said, was the best thing that could have happened to the studio. His letter reminds me of that.” TIOL, page 218

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The only hint we get regarding Joey’s true feelings for Henry is the following note by Nathan:

“NateA: Joey has always been a professional person, far more so in many ways than me. That is why this section of the book is so forgiving of the man who abandoned the studio he helped create. Joey can't help but see the good in people. That being said, as a good friend of Joey's, I know that Henry's departure was a great upheaval for him and a great personal betrayal. Joey never truly forgave Henry, and I don't think he should have felt obligated to. The fact that Joey is so gracious in this part of the book is a reflection of his incredible generosity in allowing Henry Stein to be stainless in the eyes of history. I think, had he lived longer, Joey might have in later years called it his greatest illusion.” TIOL, page 155

I’m very surprised by the harshness in Nathan’s tone here. Especially since Henry appears to believe that he and Joey have parted on good terms, and Joey admits that they have continued to exchange letters for a while after Henry’s departure. We’ve also seen Henry’s note to Joey in the game, and it comes across as warm and supportive:

It really doesn’t sound like anything ugly happened between him and Joey. So then why are both Joey and Nathan convinced that Henry is a monster?

While I can believe that Joey is pathetic enough to consider anyone who slights him his worst enemy, Nathan comes across as a more level-headed person. So for him to voice his approval for Joey’s petty grudge must mean that he knows something that we don’t. But what could it be?

Honestly, nothing else comes to mind except for romantic heartbreak. It’s the only thing that could justify a man holding such a deep grudge for so many years. This isn’t Joey’s first friendship that grew apart over the years - his army friends have moved on with their life as well. It’s a normal part of life and there’s nothing in TIOL that would suggest Joey is unable to cope with that. We also know that the studio did fine for quite some time after Henry’s departure, so it’s not like Henry left Joey deep in debt. Henry wasn’t even the only animator at the studio:

“When the studio opened I surrounded him with artists of all skill levels, and the Writing Department had its own de facto leader in Mr. Hemmings, and so the whole of Creative was well managed for that first year of the company before I had to part ways with Henry.“ TIOL, page 155

And so we’re left with only one rational explanation: that Joey isn’t so much hurt by Henry leaving his job, as by the fact that Henry left specifically for the sake of his marriage.

Try as I might, I found no reference to Linda in TIOL. Even though Joey claims to have been friends with Henry for many years, he makes zero mention of ever having met Linda. While there are some hints that Henry wasn’t yet married to her at the time when he and Joey opened the studio together (such as the fact that he claims he hasn’t seen her in “days” even though he presumably slept at home, implying that he and Linda weren’t living together at the time. A shopping list among his notes in the Handbook also suggests that he cooked his own meals, which would be unusual for a married man with a demanding job), the two were already a couple by then, and must have known each other for a while already. Surely, as Henry’s friend, Joey would have met her?

Even when talking about Henry leaving, Joey uses a cryptic language:

“Henry left for his own reasons, and the correspondence between us became less and less. To be honest, it was almost like a weight off when he left. He had grown more sensitive as the studio became more successful and giving him pep talks had become exhausting for me. All the good qualities he brought, the hard work and diligence, were being undermined by a restless need for something different. Something that wasn't Bendy. I will never understand that drive. Bendy was and is perfection.“ TIOL, page 177

In DCTL Norman claims that Henry left to spend time with his wife. Why doesn’t Joey say that? It doesn’t make him look bad to admit that an employee left to enjoy a quiet family life. It’s almost like he refuses to acknowledge Linda’s existence at all. Like it’s too painful for him to speak of her.

Perhaps the “personal betrayal” that Nathan is referring to is related to Henry choosing a real family, over the “studio family”, and the possibility of having a real child, as opposed to a fictional one?

The symbolic image of Bendy as a child shows up multiple times in the game: for example the drawing from Henry appears to depict Bendy, Alice and Boris as a happy family, with Bendy holding onto their hands like a child would:

There’s also Alice using a womb imagery to describe the ink machine:

And of course, the final monologue is centered on Henry’s choice to pursue a family:

That monologue is very interesting if we assume Joey to be gay. Because a gay man would never have been able to follow Henry’s road. Gay!Joey could never choose to have a real family with a man he loved, because that option was denied to him by the homophobic society he was living in. The studio is the closest thing to a family that gay!Joey could ever hope to have. 

And evidently, that was not enough for Henry.

If Joey’s indeed gay, that must have felt incredibly unfair to him - knowing that he had no chance of happiness in marital bliss from the start, through no fault of his own. This would explain his desire to create a real, living, breathing Bendy, no matter the cost, just to prove to Henry that Joey’s “child” can be just as real as the one Linda could give him.

“Bendy was Joey's child, and he felt just as strongly about Bendy as I feel about my flesh-and-blood son.“ TIOL, page 2

This idea of an illusory choice very much resembles the choice between the Angel Path and the Devil Path in Chapter 3. It’s the only choice that Henry ever gets to make in the game, yet no matter which way he chooses, he still ends up in the same corridor. Some of the golden messages highlight his helplessness:

The symbolic meaning of the choice between the Angel and the Devil also shows up TIOL. There’s a scene in the book, where Joey writes a play about an Angel and a Devil fighting over the soul of a human man. Eventually, the Devil confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, because then one of them would have to leave. The play was supposed to end with the man making his choice, but according to Joey they lacked a third actor, so the ending was never played out.

I believe that the play is symbolic of the relationship between Henry and Joey, specifically with regards to Henry choosing a relationship with Linda over his friendship with Joey.

There are several reasons that lead me to believe this:

The human in the play making a choice between the Angel and the Devil is reminiscent of Henry choosing between Devil Path and Angel path in BATIM.

The play highlights that the Devil is on the left side of the human, while the Angel is on his right side:

“ANGEL: Spending my time with a devil has been an enlightening experience. Working with you over these years with you sitting on that left shoulder, so far and yet so near, all our debates, they were invigorating for the spirit. 

DEVIL: I won't miss you! Fighting all the time, trying to trick you into agreeing with me, trying to push you off that right shoulder of yours. The violence and the anger. I won't miss it at all!”, TIOL page 89

Much like the Devil Path is on the left side in the game, while the Angel path is on the right side:

The Devil is obviously a stand-in for Bendy. Joey even dances on the stage at one point, and one of Bendy’s nicknames is “The Dancing Demon”. Joey also claims that the Devil from the play was an inspiration for Bendy:

“Let's start with the basic idea of a cartoon.You need a main character. Someone who has adventures and who the audience relates to." I did. I needed that. I needed a character who didn't just reflect the general population back to itself, but a more exciting version. I had no interest in moralizing, besides I didn't think moralizing was particularly realistic. People don't see the world as one populated by do-gooders. I thought of the angel in my play. She could never be a lead character. The devil on the other hand…” TIOL, 165

The fact that Joey claims the ending was never played out is strongly reminiscent of the missing ending of the Tombstone Picnic

It’s possible that Joey is lying about the ending not having been played out, to hide Henry’s role in the success of the play, much like he removed his part in Tombstone Picnic. After all, what would be the point of writing a play for 3 actors, when you only have 2? Why not ask someone to play the 3rd?

Although the play itself is centered more on the relationship between the Devil and the Angel, rather than their relationship with the human, there is still a strong queer symbolism in the play:

“Abby shifted nervously next to me the whole evening. She was in a dress for the first time in a long time, white and soft. I was pleased she'd come in character. For my part the only red thing I owned was a garish bow tie, so that was all I was able to contribute visually.” TIOL, page 82

The angel is played by a woman, who usually wears men’s clothing, but of course, the Angel being a symbol of Christian values couldn’t possibly be portrayed breaking the gender norms. She had to wear a dress, though Abby is clearly uncomfortable in it. She’s essentially performing heteronormative feminity. Next to her we have Joey as the Devil, dressed in a red bow tie, which as I’ve mentioned in the first part of this analysis, used to be a symbol of homosexuality. 

This contrast between the uncomfortably heteronormative Angel and flamboyantly queer Devil is striking. It’s also very much in line with the views of the society in the 1920s. For something to be the symbol of purity and goodness, it has to be heterosexual, and the Devil is queer, because he’s also the symbol of sin.

That symbolism could be indicative of Joey’s own internalized homophobia. Back in his army days, his friends used to bully him for breaking gender norms. Joey likes to present himself as the hero, who was easily able to outsmart the bullies, but many of his later remarks in the book and in DCTL show that some of that attitude has left a deep mark on him.

The symbolism could also be intentional. Joey boasts about having personal ties to Noel Coward, a real life gay playwright, who was known for his many affairs with men, and for putting an ungodly amount of queer symbolism in his works:

“The old woman took a liking to me, and she was nice enough. Besides, her connections were incredible. She knew everyone, she even had the playwright Noel Coward come to stay with her whenever he was in town.” TIOL, page 144

There’s a lot of evidence pointing to the play being symbolic of Henry’s choice between his relationship with Linda and with Joey. But it’s also symbolic of Henry’s choice between Bendy, and a real child. The studio family, and a traditional family. Heteronormative relationship vs a queer relationship. 

Although there’s no indication in canon that Henry might be bisexual, he doesn’t need to be. The game has beaten into our heads that the “choice” is an illusion. Henry was never going to choose the Devil, or at least that’s what Joey believes. Although we’re never told what choice the human in the play was going to make, we’re told that he was supposed to be dressed in white, which suggests that he chose the Angel. 

“(The door stage right opens. A man all in white enters calmly and chooses a seat, brushes it off carefully and sits. He takes his hat off and holds it gingerly in his lap.) (Quiet.) (Curtain.) THE END” TIOL, page 91

That might be why the Devil in the play confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, fearing that one of them will have to leave once such a choice is made:

“DEVIL: You think he has made a choice? 

ANGEL: It is possible. 

DEVIL: Do you think he might be all bad? 

ANGEL: I hope he is all good. 

DEVIL: If he is all bad, my job here is done. If he is all good, you can go home. 

DEVIL: Strange. If we win we also lose. You would think that would be something I would find delightful. 

ANGEL: You would think I would love to make such a personal sacrifice.” TIOL, page 89

The line about a “personal sacrifice” is very interesting in this context. The Angel and the Devil clearly care for each other and for the human, and don’t want their relationship to come to an end. Though the Devil in the play seems to make gestures that the audience interprets as romantic in nature, Joey insists that it isn’t the case:

“I leaned in and placed a hand on Abby's knee. There was a gasp from someone in the audience, but I knew Abby wouldn't be flustered by it. That wasn't the nature of our relationship.” TIOL, page 89 

It makes me wonder if perhaps Linda and Joey used to be friends at some point, and both competed over Henry’s attention.

There’s a much overused trope in fiction where two men compete over a woman, which ends up ruining their friendship. It would be really interesting and subversive to see a man and a woman competing over a man instead.

EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot to add this part:

"Joey, thanks for coming," said Henry, approaching from behind us. I turned to look at him He had dressed up for the event but every item of clothing looked slightly wrong. The sleeves of his shirt a bit short, his vest a bit long, his tie askew. He smiled, though, with such confidence that I couldn't help admire him. I still do.” TIOL, page 160

Joey fell for Henry’s smile, how romantic!

“We watched in silence as he worked. Despite his lack of genius, to this day, I will always say that watching Henry work was a real pleasure.“ TIOL, page 173

“It's fascinating. Henry was never the showman like I was. He didn't tend to be easily remembered by those who met him when we did business. I was invariably the face of the company, the one introduced first at a gala, the one to whom people slipped their business cards.Yet in the end he ended up setting up camp in this small corner of my memory. I can't deny that he is tied to the creation of Bendy, to the creation of the studio itself. That at one time, in one small apartment, one too warm evening, we had shaken hands. That once upon a time we had been partners. He'll always be there, in the dark recesses of my mind. Always linked to me that way. Funny how the forgettable man is now forever in my mind” TIOL, page 177

[kevin-the-bruyne]

Where's my post with more meta about Drangons and Kois universe? Nani, please ❤️

My sincere apologies for the wait I was distracted by RL and first wife Merxat and after lots of thinking Merxat will not be making an appearance in the DragonKoi!AU

Part 1 Part 2

Part 3: Wedding Related Scenes: They get married by the sea (I know they're freshwater fish) when they're still with the Koi Tribe. It's a limited ceremony since they don't go through with the soul bonding stuff they will do for regular Koi marriages. It's part of the reason Zhehan goes into this thinking he's not married married. I think the Kois were indeed a little duplicitous in not revealing their different approaches to mating but in all fairness the Dragons wouldn't have cared.

I think they fly to the Dragon's Mountain Abode (although now I'm thinking whether it is feasible to have the Dragon's whose magic is based on fire be located at higher altitudes where oxygen content/air pressure is wonky) - Gong Jun reluctantly gets saddled so his wife can ride him (sfw style). Xu Kai though rejected offers to be the one - in fact he's the one carrying Xiao Yu and Susu LOL but Gong Jun is like NO XU KAI! ONLY ME when it comes to his wife

slight detour to mention their forms: I kept going back and forth esp because I wanted merlaopo but I ended up decided on two forms: human and animal and no hybrids so no winged JunJun or merlaopo T_T Dragon's are LARGE think like a 2 story building.

'Honeymoon' Phase Scenes: They're thrown a banquet when they come back to the Dragon's Mountains. Zhehan doesn't really have a good time - from the food to the music - nothing is familiar. Gong Jun is beside him and he's polite and maybe in his own way tries to make sure Zhehan is having fun. But he's not very good at it or reading people so he doesn't really help much and might even come off as a little self-absorbed (which in all fairness he is lol - he thinks his wife is beautiful but that was a side effect to fulfilling his duty - he would marry Zhehan even if he looked like a swamp monster)

This disastrous banquet leads into the wedding night where Gong Jun ends up promising not to touch Zhehan. However, he starts taking his promise very literally. Gong Jun is in charge of showing his wife the ropes and escorting him to places (like the clinic or the academy or the cafeteria. People eventualy notice the '5 feet apart so they're not gay' gap between them and Zhehan really resents being the centre of gossip - he's already obviously being talked about always - hushed whispers suspiciously aborted convos when he comes close etc etc. A Dragon elder (Heizhi Laoshi? or maybe it should be Da Xia? Da ren?) suggests gently but firmly to Gong Jun to take Zhehan out to a picnic in the back mountains (if you've read untamed such a place has a special meaning lmao). Determined not to touch his wife as he promised, GJ hikes to their picnic spot instead of flying. Not warrior ZH is almost dying by the time they get there. The date is spoiled because ZH falls asleep within like half an hour but it's not too bad. Zhehan is beautiful asleep and GJ takes some time to...well...fantasize. Ultimately, he feels guilty and is convinced that the World Will End if he breaks his promise. Then carries Zhehan back in koi form inside a makeshift fishbowl. GJ technically has the week off but he spends very little of it with ZH other than being A Provider and trains in secret instead while ZH wastes away at home. His only solace the little pond in his courtyard that no other houses seem to have. But it works out for him cause he can swim there in his koi form instead of sticking out like a thumb all the time.

Back to Work and Meeting Xu Kai:

When Gong Jun goes back to work (strategizing for battle???), Zhehan starts hanging out at the academy more with Xiao Yu and Susu and that's where he meets both Zhou Yutong and Xu Kai. Zhehan is instantly enamored (not romantically) with Zhou Yutong and Xu Kai is really nice. For the first time, he thinks that he won't have to be so lonely. Especially since Xu Kai invites him to work at their clinic with him. ZH is an excellent healer and Gong Jun is even happy that ZH seems less frustrated with his life.

All up until the day that Zhehan is suddenly in Xu Kai's clothes - they fit a little too well. Gong Jun's come to pick Zhehan up from work - which is about the one romantic thing he's kept doing (noticeably that there are other things that Zhehan doesn't realize like how the cafeteria is now always well stocked with Zhehan's favorite sweets) - and apparently a patient thew up on Zhehan and then another one got blood on his spare robes.

'Why did you change it's not like you can see it through the red of your robes.'

'I'm obviously not going to be drenched in someone's blood the whole day, laogong' (I think ZH only calls GJ laogong out of spite so what does he usually call him? Gong gongzi? LOLOLOL) Anyway, Zhehan isn't sure why Gong Jun is in a sour mood. But he actually likes these clothes - they're not as comfortable but they're sturdier than his robes which do have an unfortunate habit of fluttering up. Plus he doesn't mind that he blends in better now. Of course, GJ loses his mind when ZH wears it again the next day and is all but ready to wrestle him out of it. Very insistently, he gets Zhehan to wear his clothes instead. ZH is kind of happy thinking that his husband is jealous but then GJ says something annoying like 'i will lose face if you're seen in another man's clothes' (high ranking officers like Xu Kai and GJ have sigils unique to them) - but it still gets them on a cute date to the tailor's down in town where they have a sweet though stilted market date

The Party and Relationship Shift Part 1:

The (War!) Campaign is about to start and so there's a send off feast. Both Gong Jun and Xu Kai are being deployed this round. Gong Jun is essentially seething that he can't touch his wife whereas Xu Kai is just so goddamn handsy. Zhehan is clueless to it at first and mostly indifferent. But he gets spiteful as he starts to get more drunk (our dear lightweight 🥺). ZH just gets handsier and handsier to the point that our long suffering best friends (Xiao Yu and Susu) have to keep ZH in check. Of course, ZH doesn't heed and keeps sticking to Xu Kai.

GJ just drinks and drinks and obsesses about this until he finally cracks. WIth a spiteful ,'Can I have this dance?' to which GJ doesn't wait for an answer, just pulls ZH away from XK and into his own embrace. Zhehan is tipsy and GJ is really fucking attractive and also they're married and GJs chest is just so solid and he also feels just so large and dependable that ZH is melting into him. GJ is a terrible dancer so they kind of just sway together the rest of the night, GJs promise broken and ZH feeling all light and happy. GJ even carries him back home bridal style and he's feeling all happy and bubbly about it. Except, when he lowers ZH down onto their bed (on which ZH sleeps alone) and the lights are dim, and they're both buzzed and ZH is just kind of there...so open and vulnerable, he looks so wanting that GJ almost kisses him. ZH even looks ready for it, but then GJ notices the unnatural flush on ZHs cheeks and realizes that ZH is DRUNK and he almost took advantage of that (in addition to already breaking his promise). Obviously GJ gets the fuck out leaving a confused and dejected ZH behind.

Post Deployment Friendship with Zhou Yutong + Beginning of the Last Arc

This is about where things are much hazier in my head. I just know that with both XK and GJ gone, Zhou Yutong is sent as an assistant for ZH at the clinic. A few days into their awkward stilted working relationship, ZH finds out that Zhou Yutong is GJs ex and they broke up like 3 weeks before GJ and ZH got married. ZH goes into some sort of spiral and comes out of it determined to LEAVE. He gets very serious and focused about work, even starts a clinic down in town where he quickly becomes a favorite. ZH is subconsciously putting down more roots lol. More stuff obv happens with ZY but I'm not sure. I'm also wavering on whether or not there's an attempted sexual assault on ZH (it was part of the story that inspired this but they had a villain character from the start which is why I'm wavering between Li Daikun and Dai Dai for the third dragon candidate, obviously if I go the assault route then it's gonna be DaiDai but I'm not sure something like that has any place in this story yet.

I just know that when GJ and XK returns - it was just a recon mission relatively short so they come back soon and no big injuries in their party - both ZH and GJ spirals into a poor little meow meow

'he'd rather be with Xu Kai'

'he'd rather be with Zhou Yutong'

thing where they are both being insufferable and it probably comes to a head the day before GJs second deployment this time to the frontlines against a siege in some distant town - ZH is just really frustrated (think 50s american housewife subliminal rage) and accuses GJ of only caring about prestige, how he'd just abandoned Zhou Yutong when there seemed to be a bigger fish (literally??!!) to fry and then he'd married ZH and now that upkeeping their relationship became too much work tossed him aside to. And this is how GJ leaves with ZH furious at him.

This is kind of getting towards the last arc now so im conflicted - this is a massive project so who knows when/if I'll ever write it but in case I do...the ending will be spoiled lol

[blossomingbooks]

Book Review: Picnic at Hanging Rock, Joan Lindsay

For this book review I bring you Joan Lindsay's Picnic at Hanging Rock (1967), an enthralling piece of Australian literature.

“Where were they going? What strange feminine secrets did they share in that last gay fateful hour?”

The first contact I had with the narrative of Picnic at Hanging Rock was on a summer solstice, through Peter Weir’s 1975 film. Years later, on another summer solstice, I finally started reading Joan Lindsay’s novel. It was “a shimmering summer morning warm and still”, just like in the first page. The Hanging Rock, with its “prehistoric architecture of wind and water”, accompanied me throughout the heat of the season; it’s mysteries fascinating me as if for the first time.

For me, the beauty of Picnic at Hanging Rock is in its enigma — not only the enigma in its narrative, but also in its genre. It has elements of a detective story, of horror, of philosophical fiction... and it has the potential to be any of those things. “The College was already being talked about as haunted (...) ‘they’ were saying in the village that strange lights had been seen moving about the College grounds after dark” — this, for example, could well be a passage from a gothic narrative, as well as the nightmarish scene where Irma visits the schoolgirls for the last time and they turn on her, as if possessed. There’s nothing more horrifying than the unknown, and in Picnic at Hanging Rock we never fully know.

On the other hand, Lindsay’s philosophical obsession with the concept of time is present throughout the whole book: “There is no single instant on this spinning globe that is not, for millions of individuals, immeasurable by ordinary standards of time: a fragment of eternity forever unrelated to the calendar or the striking clock.” In fact, both the clocks of Mr. Hussey and Miss McCraw stop near the Hanging Rock, as if the place was literally timeless — an idea further developed in Chapter Eighteenth, the “conclusion” to the story cut by the editors and published posthumously with Lindsay’s consent. But even this “revelation” perpetuates the eeriness of the story, and upon reading it one becomes even more intrigued than before.

Queer undertones

Miranda, described by Mademoiselle de Poitiers as “a Botticelli angel” and compared to a swan by Michael’s imagination, is more of a symbol than an actual person. She represents the whole mystery, the “feminine secrets” which intrigue Michael so much, compelling him to follow them at the Hanging Rock. He keeps having dreams and nightmares about them for weeks afterwards, until his intuition helps him find Irma. His perception is that of a foreigner — a British young man in a feminine Australian landscape —, thus his fascination. With his rigid background, he’s compelled by the freedom and spontaneity of those girls (especially taking into account the homoromantic undertones between him and Albert). An easy interpretation would be an infatuation with Miranda, but to me it’s much more clear that he longs to be Miranda, in all of the complexities that this desire implies. The one who is clearly infatuated with Miranda is Sara Waybourne, with her own parallel tragic story (hinted at by the hydrangeas in this picture). It’s hard for me to believe in the author’s unawareness about all these queer undertones in a story published in 1967.

In a deeper analysis, it’s a narrative about social constraint and how each character escapes it. Miranda’s free spirit allows her to escape the constrained reality of womanhood imposed by the boarding school environment, and that freedom allures Michael and his longing to break free from the expectations of his gender and social position. Sara Waybourne too escapes constraint, but (spoiler!) through a much more drastic way (though it’s still unclear in the book if through suicide or homicide). Even time itself, Lindsay’s main conceptual theme, is unconstrained at the Hanging Rock, creating a mysterious warp which goes beyond human understanding.

All in all, reading the original book only made me fall more in love with Peter Weir’s 1975 film adaptation, which captures the essence of the narrative in a way that I never felt with any other cinematographic translation of literature. Even minor addictions such as the following Poe poem only emphasize the eeriness of the story, since in both book and film “all that we see or seem / is but a dream within a dream”...

[theymakemegayer]

Reputation: Chapter 1

A Poppy x MC (Bea) Fan Fiction

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Romance

Description: Thoughts floated relentlessly, until a thought of you found me. Poppy Min-Sinclair. Oh hells. All I want this morning was to make my days here fun. What have I gotten myself to? 

Foreword: My own take towards Poppy Min-Sinclair’s character. Come and indulge in my journey as I explore writing Poppy’s character. The plot is inspired with Queen B, but in this short story, I will challenge myself to let Poppy’s character grow into something we wished had/can/will happen.

This is a short story that will contain a few chapters. 

For any TW or M rating, it’ll be announced for every chapter if there will be one.

**********************

It was a sunny day, so I decided to stroll around the luxurious campus of Belvoire University before classes start tomorrow. Everything still felt foreign to me. From my daily life living in a small town – all of a sudden I need to get used to being surrounded by towering and luxurious building in this city.

 It was still peaceful not until I started to notice the glances and murmurs the people around me are giving me.

 I tried not to show in my facial expression how their whispers and looks irritated me. Is something wrong with my clothes? Deciding to ignore them I continue with my stroll.

 “I AM GOING TO LOSE IT!” A high pitched shriek cut through quietness. At the picnic table my eyes landed on a platinum blonde hair girl sitting. She spoke again, her irritation towards the terrified girl evident. The terrified girl tried to reason out, but before she can finish the blonde girl cuts her off. I stared at them open mouthed. Is this how people here behave?

 Just then the blonde girl notices me. She swivelled, her lips curled into a smirk.

 “What the hell does a basic, tasteless – nobody like you looking at?”

 I tried to play nice, but her tone and rudeness irritated me. Raising an eyebrow I talked back, “Oh hell no. You can’t talk to people like that.”

 My parents, even though we didn’t came from a wealthy family – they taught me to treat other people with respect, but they also taught me to not let people step on me.

 “Who do you think you are anyway?” I crossed my arms in front of me as I asked her.

 “I’m Chloe St. James, and I’m ranked no. 2 here. How dare you talk back to me?”

Ranked number 2? What is she talking about? I was about to retaliate when someone beat me into speaking first.

 “Oh sweetheart, you don’t have to worry about who she is. But you should worry about who I am.”

 The crowd parted as she walked into the scene. My eyes finally landed on another blonde girl. My breath hitched. Oh… wow. She’s stunning, this spells trouble to me. I realized how the crowd goes dead silence. I dared to meet her eyes, slowly her lips curled into a smirk making me gulped.

 “And I’m about to become your first and last memory of Belvoire University.” She continued. I stare at her as she talked back to Michael. They mentioned something about ‘The T’ – what is that?

 “I’d rather ask about her shoes. They’re kind of cute, for something pulled from the dumpster.”

 I raised my eyebrow. This gorgeous girl had a sharp tongue. I took a step towards her. She glared at me as I continue to eliminate the distance between us. Once I was in front of her – so close our faces inches apart - I crossed my arms in front of my chest, holding her glare – looking and searching in the depth of those brown eyes.

 “My shoes?” I paused gauging her reaction at our closeness. I swear I saw her breath hitched for a second before scowling at me. “Should I be devastated you don’t like my footwear?” I continued not letting my eyes slipped away from her face.

 She chuckled humourlessly taking a step back then clapping slowly, “A nobody like you won’t last five minutes here at Belvoire.”

 I smirked, “Sorry to break your bubble Poppy, but I love challenges. Friendly advice,” I winked at her and beamed, “Take a seat and watch me, Ms. Min-Sinclair.”

 Suddenly I felt a tug on my wrist. “Bea! There you are! Look at the time. We need to go.”

 “Wha-“

 Before I can protest or something I was being pulled. We only stopped once we entered a dorm room.

 “Sorry to pull you out like that.” She started to apologized. “If I hadn’t step up who knows what Poppy might say or do.”

 “It’s alright. I was just caught off guard.”

 “I’m Zoey, by the way. Your roommate, and this is our dorm room,” we shook hands.

 “It’s nice to meet a gorgeous lady like you, Zoey.” I said making her laugh.

 “You’re not so bad yourself Bea.”

 “So…” I spoke, “Can I ask you questions I’m dying to know ever since I walked into the campus?”

 “Shoot.”

 “What’s The T? And what’s the deal with Poppy and those people?”

 “The T is the school’s gossip blog.” She started to explain.

 “What? It sounds like some Gossip Girl wannabe site?”

Zoey chuckled. “You’re quite funny Bea, but yeah it might sound like that, but The T is big here. And they have a popularity ranking system which you should know.” She showed me her phone. Poppy was standing a top, while I’m at the bottom of the rank.

 “Okay that is some kind of shitty system?”

 Zoey sighed, “Tell me about it, but because of that ranking system those in top of the rank acts more entitled like they’re some kind of celebrity, but truth is they are way worse than celebrities. You saw Poppy and her minions walked around the school like they own everything and acts like it is okay to be rude and to bully anyone they want.”

 “I did saw that. I first hand encountered that too.” I sighed quietly, “Can’t believe an angelic face like Poppy can have so much bite in her attitude, and it’s not pretty at all. What a waste.”

 Zoey stared at me long and hard. “Don’t tell me you’re having a crush on Poppy?”

 “Wh-what are you talking about?” I panicked.

 “Oh God, no. Bea I don’t mind if you are gay, but as your new friend, please make sure you protect your heart. She’s a devil in disguise of an angelic face human. I hate people like her.”

 “I-“

 “Promise me Bea.” Zoey held both my hands looking into my soul.

 I swallowed the lump in my throat, “Okay…”

 *****

Zoey and I decided to celebrate our first day of being roommates and to unwind after that stressful encounter with Poppy in this Speakeasy in Soho. We were lounging at the far corner enjoying our drinks when she spoke.

“Hey Bea, I’m kinda curious about something.”

 “Hmm?”

 “I hope you’re not offended with it though.”

 I chuckled, “Spit it out already Zo.”

 “I did read quite an information about where you came from because of The T, but how did you manage to pay the bills for the school’s tuition fee you know specially how expensive it is here?”

 “Ah, so that’s what you are curious about.”

 Zoey suddenly hides her face in her hands. “Sorry it’s an offensive and embarrassing question.”

 “It’s alright Zoey.” I took her hands away from her face.

 “I’d like to think you are my friend now and I don’t mind you asking me things like this.”

 Zoey exhaled in relief, “Whew, thank you Bea.”

 “Well to answer your question, my family is a caretaker of a ranch in my hometown. Ever since I was a kid I remember growing up on that ranch, so the owner really trusts us for so many years already. They offered to pay for my tuition fee with the condition to maintain a good grade.”

 “Oh like a scholarship?” Zoey interrupted.

 “Yeah, you can say that.”

“Sorry for interrupting you, please continue.” She said shyly.

  “They believed that I have so much potential since I had been a straight A student since I was a kid. They’re really generous and kind towards my family. Imagine how naïve and shock I am to encounter someone like Poppy a while ago.”

  Zoey frowned, a pout on her lips, “My poor Bea.”

 I chuckled, “I guess there are really different types of people huh.”

 Suddenly a drink arrived at their table.

 “You have anyone in mind where this came from?” Zoey asked eyeing me and the drink.

 I smirked. “Oh, I have. Let me go to her for a minute Zo. I’ll be back.”

 I walked towards the bar where the gorgeous lady from a while ago was clearly anticipating for me to come back. Her eyes glint a small smile in her lips.

 “Thought you’d never come back.”

 “And miss the opportunity to see your face again?”

 She chuckled. “Come sit with me?” The glint in her eyes never fades.

 I sat beside her our knees almost touching. I haven’t really dated a lot of woman in my hometown which is Farmsville. Even though we are now living in the 20th century I can’t say that Farmsville had been liberated with same sex couple. I’m a little bit nervous in the presence of this woman, but as I stare in her eyes – like a magnet something pulled me towards her.

 The next thing I knew I was kissing Ina. Why does New York City have too many sexy and gorgeous ladies? I’m weak for that. I felt her hands circling around my waist. Her lips peppering kisses on my jaw towards my ears before she whispered, “Want to stay the night with me?”

 At that moment my phone rings. I slowly pushed her back – the spell and of magic of our kiss dissolved with it.

 “Sorry I have to take this.”  It’s Zoey.

 “Hi Zo.”

 “Bea, where are you? Can we go home now?”  I look at Ina, her gaze making my knees weak. Thank God, I am sitting right now. I contemplated.

 “Bea?”

 “You still there at our table?” I asked her.

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay, wait up for me.” I can see the disappointment in Ina’s eyes.

 As I hang up the call I smiled apologetically at Ina, “I’m sorry, but I need to go.”

 “Well Ms. No Name you clearly know how to make a woman want you.”

 I laughed before I tap her nose, “Something tells me we’ll see each other soon, Ina.” I stood up.

 “Crazy, but I guess I’ll trust that gut feel of yours cause I feel the same way.” She smiled.

“See you soon, Ina.” I winked before leaving her.

******

As I was lying awake in bed. The adrenaline from what happened today washing away from me, but my mind was still high. Thoughts floated relentlessly, until a thought of you found me. Poppy Min-Sinclair.

 Thoughts of our first encounter flashed by; and so thoughts of what I promised with Zoey passed by too.

 Oh hells. All I want this morning was to make my days here fun. What have I gotten myself to?

*****************

author’s note: please feel free to tag people who wants to read a poppy x mc fanfic.

[theoniprince]

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

First of all thank you so much for asking me!!! 8D It was a pleasure to answer all these questions. During this I got quite emotional (haha Stanpat, Eddie). It showed me again how much I love this 8DDD

( I apologize in advance for all misspellings and my sloppy English =_=)

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Oh, what a start XD I'm not that into nicknames. Generally people using my first name to address me or my username which is mostly onyprince (in reference to a character from Hakuouki) ID Sometimes they say Oni or J(ay) (Nickname for my first name). Do as you wish (though I like ‘J’ the th most) 😉

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

Twitter. But everything I post there is also here. Feel free to follow my account, but you don’t have to. https://twitter.com/oniprince_

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

Oniprince_ (Twitter) yeah… you see, I am pretty boring XDDD

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

Actually 23 years ago (haha I am old XD) When I was eleven I saw the miniseries with my cousins for the first time. The horror factor wasn't that important to me or maybe I didn't see it that way. It was more like an adventure story with an unfunny and nasty clown. A group of friends who had to endure an adventure. In any case, it entertained me well, even if I was not aware of some elements like that it’s a story about growing up, friendship, love and all these issues around becoming an adult XDD Then with 13 I read the book. It was a  new experience, and I loved every single word. Over the years I talked with friends and Kingsianer (XD) about it and read it for a second and a third time. At this point I could start a list with things I don’t like about the movies, but I’d rather mention on thing I really appreciate about them: they are a good opportunity for a new generation to explore this universe. Every adaption like the book itself is a reflection of a specific decade and what is more yeah… immortal, universal and diverse than a story about growing up. It was a discussion with a dear friend about book to movie adaptions some weeks ago that probably brought me back to this fandom

Nevertheless there are things from the book I would have loved to see in the movies. Let’s be honest at this point if you want to adapt such a brick of a book you simply have to cut some elements. You can’t please everyone

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

Ships:

Stanpat - orz q__q they are such a sweet couple and it is so heartbreaking, they never ever had a real chance to become parents. They would have been excellent parents. Imagine them on a beautiful summer day. They have a picnic with their children and Stan would watch birds with them. He would tell them all about the birds and keeps a journal about their observations with his kids

Reddie - Despite the constant teasing their realtionship seems like a natural, casual und easy thing from the start. And Eddie likes the nicknames. These secret names are like another identity. He can be someone else. They take care of each other. Their relationship is a deeper friendship that runs mostly on an emotional level and is sometimes expressed through small, physical gestures. The chemistry between them is indescribable. It is cute when 90s Eddie immediately starts to giggle as soon as Richie makes a dumb joke at their reunion. And thing about the little moments when Richie pokes Eddie and calls him cute. I am won’t quoting this one passage in the book that leaves much room for speculations, but there is no doubt their special bond is official. In any case, the decision to make Richie gay in the movies gave the ship another push. I don’t complain. I love it. Though I still think Eddie would have been a better option. There are already some scenes in the book which are like an invitation to speculate about his sexualityTheir chemistry is very obvious and believe me, there is nothing I would more appreciate than a happy end for them Q__Q

Benverly  „Your hair is winter fire

                   January embers

                  My heart burns there, too

This is one of sweetest things I have ever read in a book and that is all I need to explain why I love this ship.

Fav, Characters:  Hmm when I read „IT“ for the first time I had a crush on Bill. He ist the born leader and in my childish, pre-teen way found his stuttering cute. There is something about him that cast a spell on you. It is perfectly understandable that he was a role model and an inspiration for his friends – especially for Eddie. In my personal opinion book!Bill ist the best Bill.

Richie - I love this chaotic megane dude. He is this silly type who use jokes, pranks to protect himself. His voices are like safe heaven (the same goes for Bill, whose stuttering almost disappears, when he pretends tob e someone else). He hides himself and his insecurities behind them. It is a shame that he doesn’t know what an impact he had on his friends. Richie seems to never ever shut up and sometimes his trashmouth is still talking, when he better should be quite. And I am famous to fall for funny characters. He can lights up the mood immediately ( and OMG…. I love Harry Anderson in the miniseries. A real entertainer, BUT BILL HADER…. Bill Hader…just to make it clear BILL HADER  did such an amazing job. He rocked the movie and I still think, not just because I love this dude since over a decade, without him… the movie wouldn’t  have been so entertaining)

Eddie - He is in these abusive relationships. First with his mother, who keeps him small and makes him believe that he is weak. At the end her own fears of beeing left behind prevented her son from becoming a self-confident adult. Eddie always thought he is weak and fragile. Although he knows that he doesn’t need all this medication, his childhood experience were the reason for his coping-behavior as an adult – he still uses his inhaler. He married a woman who is like his mother. Mike's call was something of a turning point. Until this call Eddie could not overcome his fears and had to face them again as an adult. I can remember. While reading the book there were several moments of silence and I stopped reading and thought: poor Eddie.

Ultimately, his story is about a hero who surpasses himself, overcomes his fears and by sacrifice himself he protects what is most important to him - his friends. It just touched me. Eddie gave his life for his friends and I think you can say he's my favorite character. His death may be a tragedy, but it was necessary for his character arc. My theory is that Eddie represents someone who has lost track in his life and prefer to stick on old but unhealthy patterns.It is almost like Eddie stands for missed opportunities, but at the same time it is never to late to change something. He is a hero. There are so many things I would like to talk about, therefore I should start an own thread XDDD

Oh and Bev - I could always identify with her (not bc of abuse or domestic violence. My childhood was amazing). She is the only girl around the losers and I was the only girl in my  favourite clique too. We spent most of our time outside  - it was great. Of course I had other friends (female) as well, but with my boys… it was always special).. As you know as an adult she falls back in old patterns. Her husband is tyrannical man like her father. Again Mike’s call is a turning point.  Maybe the Benverly arc is the most satisfying. I was… I am very happy that Bev got her happy end.

Last but no least - I like Ben, Mike and Stan too. They have all there unique character treats and you sympathize with all of them. The Loser’s club is bunch of adorable idiots who just doing their best to become adults. I think it is normal that their friendship feels more intimate in the book – I highly recommand the book.

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Mostly fanarts, but recently I thought about posting my own theories and sharing my hcs and random stuff about the characters and the different relations.  

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

The fandom is full of amazing artists and writersand actually it would be a, but i want to name those who inspired me the most (mainly artists – hopefully I copied the links correcty):

https://tonyofthetrees.tumblr.com

https://meowsteryyy.tumblr.com

https://slashpalooza.tumblr.com/ ( you have to check out ‚Loose Ends‘)

https://coldcigarettes.tumblr.com

https://vvanini.tumblr.com/

https://eggocrumbs.tumblr.com

https://twitter.com/10_sgan

https://twitter.com/kasphacked

https://twitter.com/tac_nor

(oh.. the list got longer than expected IDDD)

Do you know this?

https://ragnarozzys.tumblr.com/post/189890790551/those-early-hours-after-a-sleepover-when-you-wake

Have you ever seen something as cozy and cute before I///D? – me neither XD

Trust me they are all worth a visit and I am sure most of us already know them 8D

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

My art I provide on tumblr can be found here:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/tagged/myart

Honestly I like these the most:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649446311120273408/my-first-reddie-sketch-now-scanned-the-quality

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649548606679007232/close-to-you-now-scanned-with-coloured

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/650697175346593792/hammock-iconic-richie-is-reading-a-monthly

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Oh… unfortunately I am not feelin‘ very confident about my own artworks. Sometims I have the feeling I am not creative enough and that my ideas are more or less boring. Nothing special ID Totally dumb – I know. As I mentioned before I came back lately to the fandom… I guess I missed many amazing IT weeks. I participated in some weeks/mainly shipweeks in other fandoms (Yakuza/Ryu ga Gotoku, FFXV) If I find an interesting annoucement I can imagine to participate in the future ; )

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

In general… the fandom is really friendly – I hope so. Lately I have seen some salty comments on different stuff, topics… and well.. I have just an advice: life can be exhausting enough and time is always running. Don’t spend time on things you don’t like. Discussions can esclate quickly and worde can hurt too. So, just thing about before you jump in.

Thanks again! <3

(Special lil sketchy piece of art I did for this ask)

[sadlysinn]

Gin Joints (aka Taking Song Lyrics Too Literally)

Ship: Petekey (with mention of Freard)

Word Count: 1671

Warnings: Alcohol/Drinking, mention of drugs

Notes: Teenagery Petekey (mostly) Fluff

Summary: A nice date night to the junkyard hangout where hilarity ensues. Gerard may be the most well known of the Junkyard Teens, but Pete definitely prefers Mikey.

The maybe abandoned junkyard had become a popular spot for the small group of punk teens that cut a hole in the fence. If anyone worked there, they probably would have noticed the excess of cigarette butts and cheap bottles of alcohol (some empty, some not) marking the entrance and strewn about the makeshift paths that led to wherever you needed them to go. This place had been the scene of more than a few parties and impromptu concerts along with fights and surprisingly secluded date nights. 

Gerard was a kind of icon in the group. He knew it as much as anyone else and whatever he said, went. Only once had someone went against his word and that was why he was holding the fence back for Frank. He led Frank by the waist to the collection of post crashed cars, just starting to feel the pills they took before going to the junkyard. They sat on the hood of a car that had probably been cherished by someone until the entire back half had been removed in something that Frank would most definitely qualify as "rad." They smoked cigarettes and watched the sun go down, then made out and counted the stars and planets and whatever celestial bodies they could see. "Hey, Frank?" He mumbled through the pills and thick night air. "You're cute."

"That's pretty gay."

And of course, as Mikey recollected the story from the week before that his brother had confided in him like juicy gossip at a sleepover, Pete was already planning an outing. He didn't tell Mikey his plan until they were out of the door and in Pete's car, and for good reason. Mikey objected almost as soon as Pete finished telling him. "What if someone's there?" He bit his lip, only taking brief glances at Pete.

"What are they going to do, beat you up?" Pete cocked an eyebrow in Mikey's direction, almost carelessly looking away from the road. "No. They won't. Because they know your brother will kick their ass or at least send somebody to do it for him."

"But..." Mikey sifted through many bleak outlooks for another answer. "What if Gerard is there? Or somebody that works there?" The fidgeting had progressed from lip biting to shifting in the seat every couple of seconds.

"Nobody works there, Mikes. It's been closed since forever pretty much. As for Gerard? He'd never lay a hand on you." Pete placed a hand on Mikey's thigh, just gently enough to comfort him and just high enough to make him blush. Pete noticed his mouth move to open and stopped the thought before he could say it. "He won't hurt me either because that would upset you and he just has a policy against hurting and/or upsetting his brother. I mean, I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to be in the same house with someone I pissed off."

Mikey nodded. He was beginning to have a hard time finding more reasons to be scared because Pete seemed to be made of rational answers to his problems, which took the edge off quite nicely. He let himself look around and nearly calmed down. They were almost there. Either something would happen or it wouldn't, and there was nothing Mikey or anyone else could do about it.

They got to and in the junkyard with no problems, as Pete had said they would. Pete had parked the car at the back of the fence near the entrance, but not near enough to break bottles and get a flat tire. Pete grabbed a couple bottles from his trunk (gin, cheap beer, and a bottle of the less-than-alcoholic root beer) and put them in his bag along with a slightly tattered picnic blanket.

"Now if I'm not mistaken," Pete started as he hefted the messenger bag over his shoulder and held open the fence, "There's this one place I found this one time that could be pretty cool." He glanced at Mikey, noticing the unease creeping back into him and reached back to grab his hand. Pete laced their fingers together. "It's fine. It's nice. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise."

"Pete..." Mikey said hesitantly, "Don't make-..."

"I promise." He reaffirmed Mikey, squeezing his hand gently.

Sooner rather than later they were at this spot. A wall of refrigerators stacked heftily to one side. Scrap metal stood precariously in piles nearby. In the middle, there was a wide open space, a large pentagram etched into the dirt. Mikey raised a suspicious eyebrow. "What? It's for protection."

Pete's complete and utter seriousness at the statement caused Mikey to crack a small smile. "Shut up. That's the only protection you're going to need." Pete pouted a little for show and Mikey shook his head, the smile still there.

Once they were settled on the ground with the blanket sprawled open, Pete cracked open a root beer and handed it off to Mikey before opening his own bottle of beer. "I don't see why you like that shit." Mikey made a face and continued, "It’s like... a bread beverage."

"I love that that is your concern. Not that it's illegal. That it's bread in a different state of matter."

"Fuck off. Just because I'm quiet doesn't make me some goody-two-shoes or whatever." Pete smirked a little as if to challenge Mikey. "I'm not! I've done things. I hang out here." He realised that it didn't sound like he had "done things" but he couldn't think of anything particularly badass that he had done off the top of his head.

Pete chuckled a little and they sat in silence, continuing to drink as Mikey desperately searched his memory for something that was worth telling, something that Pete might have heard about.

"Hey! Yeah. I got in that fight. Like a month ago. With the big guy." Mikey puffed out his chest and brought his arms down like Macho Man Randy Savage, mimicking "the big guy," who was broad shouldered, thicker than a Snicker, and about 6' 4." Mikey was almost sure Pete had heard about that happening, but was slightly hoping that whoever had told him had spared Pete the gory details of what went down.

Of course, they hadn't. "Right, right. I remember. The fight where he got so drunk he could barely stand, took a swing at you because he thought you were flirting with his girlfriend, and missed you so badly that he tripped over his own feet and broke his nose." Mikey's, now flush, face deepened with each detail Pete mentioned, but he attempted to save face.

"Yeah. I broke his nose."

Pete threw his head back and laughed. He put one hand back on the blanket beside him and held his beer steady in the air with the other. "Oh god. Mikey..." He tried to talk between fits of laughter. "Mikey. You are... You're the funniest person I've ever met."  He caught his breath and put an arm around Mikey.

"That's sad then. I am definitely not the funniest person I've ever met. By a long shot." He rested his head on Pete's shoulder, finishing off his first bottle of the root beer. "Can I have another?" He discarded the bottle and took a new one from Pete after it was open.

The boys drank and cracked jokes between each other. They got closer by the minute. At four beers in, Pete leaned in towards Mikey, who graced him only with a quick peck. "Not with the bread juice." Pete pouted and Mikey laced his arm around him. "Don't pout about it." Mikey nestled his face into the crook of Pete's neck.

A little bit later and Pete had finished off another bottle, reaching into the messenger bag once more. He pulled out the Captain Morgan and twisted off the cap. He offered it to Mikey. "Youth before beauty." Mikey rolled his eyes, but Pete had a goofy smile on his face. Nevertheless, Mikey took the bottle and swallowed some of the rum, making a face and shaking his head slightly.

He handed it back to Pete and the pair got through half the bottle in the next half an hour. With Mikey's inhibitions lowered and Pete's moderately the same as they usually were, within minutes Pete was on his knees straddling Mikey's lap. Mikey's hands rested lightly on Pete's lower back, their lips locked.

Pete hungrily kissed Mikey. His hands traveled from the back of Mikey's neck into his hair, lacing his fingers into the greasy mop. Mikey, knowing vaguely where this was going, moved a hand to Pete's chest, not yet pushing him back though. When Pete's grip on Mikey's hair got tighter, Mikey let out a small noise of warning.

Pete backed off, detaching himself from Mikey. "What?" He kissed his shoulder to the base of his neck.

"Pete, I know what you're doing," Mikey said, just sober enough to have cohesive thoughts on the matter, "You're going to bite me again and it's going to leave a big mark and then I'll have to wear a coat in the middle of summer." Mikey frowned in a sort of childish way, Pete chuckling a little.

Once again Pete kissed the base of Mikey's neck, nosing under his chin. "I didn't hear you complaining last time." Mikey felt Pete's smirk against his skin and brought his bottom lip between his teeth. "But... If you really don't want me to." Pete backed off, leaning back on his hands and looked Mikey over. "Fuck, you're hot."

The drunken red of Mikey's nose shifted towards his cheeks and he smiled a little, bashfully. "No, you." Pete smiled too and glanced at the ground.

"I'm really glad I met you."

"I'm glad I met you, too. Even though you're an idiot."

The stars lit up in the sky and the full moon sent a gentle glow over Pete and Mikey. They stayed under the dark sky until the sun rose above the horizon again.

[marvella15]

Astaire & Rogers Rewatch Part 2: Gay Divorcee

• Once again, background info first. 

After they were a smash hit in Flying Down to Rio, Astaire and Rogers were quickly paired up for another film. Gay Divorcee is an adaptation of a successful stage musical (Gay Divorce), which Astaire had starred in immediately prior to coming to Hollywood. It was the only major production he did on the stage without his sister. More on this later. 

Why the name change? Execs didn’t think a gay (happy) divorce was appropriate but a happy divorcee was acceptable. 

Back in the day, the only way I could watch classic films was checking them out for a dollar from my local library. When I checked out Gay Divorcee, the librarian commented that title certainly had a different connotation today than back then. This meant nothing to me as a young person at the time but now I think about that moment every time I think about this film.

• Our characters/actors: Guy (Fred Astaire), Mimi (Ginger Rogers), Aunt Hortense (Alice Brady), Egbert (Edward Everett Horton), Tonetti (Erik Rhodes).

• What kind of name is Egbert??

• “I’m on my vacation. I’m not gonna do any dancing.” Unless there’s a beautiful woman to woo, of course. Or a check to pay.

• The bugle call is heard for the first time in the Astaire/Rogers films when he begins his solo. It will pop up several more times in the next films but it originated as something funny from Astaire and Rogers’ rehearsals. In Roberta and Follow the Fleet, art imitates life in a way when the bugle call becomes a signal of their past partnership/connection.

• Guy’s gentle mocking of Mimi’s repeated calls for a porter will come back later in this film and be slyly referenced again in Swing Time. 

• Heh:

Guy, hopefully: “You didn’t say goodbye.”

Mimi, coldly: “No, I didn’t.”

• The subtitles very incorrectly indicate Egbert says “asked” each time he repeats what the English messenger said when delivering Guy’s coat. Egbert, in his attempt to mimic the English accent, distinctly says, “arsed.”

• Love this exchange:

Egbert: “What’s her name?”

Guy: “I don’t know.”

Egbert: “Where does she live?”

Guy, more emphatically: “I don’t know.”

Egbert: “My, what an interesting romance.”

• Astaire often thought his singing voice sounded better right after he’d had a drink or a smoke. So he usually does one or the other (often the latter) in scenes right before singing. 

• Already his speaking-singing style is to his advantage as he sings “Needle in a Haystack” while finishing getting dressed. It seems natural and effortless, the way we all sing to ourselves sometimes. 

• Love how he leaps over the back of the couch and the way his tapping kicks up with the four horn blasts in the song. No one makes a more stylish exit than Fred Astaire lbr.

• Mimi, having been blocked in by Guy’s car: “Would you mind moving your car, or don’t you want it anymore?”

• And here he repeats her call for a porter to break the ice and it works. She may think he’s a little nuts but she’s clearly interested. When he asks when he can see her again, Rogers lets a look of longing and regret flash over her face. Neither the audience or Guy know yet that she’s actually still married and trying to discretely get a divorce. Going out with another man would ruin everything but this charming dork is tempting. 

• Buuuut she’s not so interested that she cares at all about destroying his elaborately packed picnic basket when given the chance to speed away. And he’s so into her already, he also couldn’t care less.

• One of my favorite lines here from Guy:

Egbert: “Guy, you’re not pining for that girl are you?”

Guy: “Pining? Men don’t pine. Girls pine. Men just… suffer.” 

• Ok, the “Let's K-nock K-nees” sequence is something I skip every time because it’s pointless and insane that young Betty Grable is somehow into Egbert. And that opinion has not changed.

• Hortense and Egbert are part of the comic relief but I have always found them annoying. Thy do have some good lines though:

Egbert: “You can’t have a clandestine affair between three people.”

Hortense: “Oh, that’s what you say.”

• “Your wife is safe with Tonetti. He prefers spaghetti.” 

• I like that Guy legit almost leaps over the second story railing to follow Mimi before thinking better of it. He's got it bad.

• “Night and Day” is the only song from the stage musical to make it into the movie and it’s also the first dance duet Astaire and Rogers have performed since the “Carioca.” And it is worlds different and stunningly executed. Future films won’t make audiences wait nearly an hour before pairing up Astaire and Rogers for a dance.

• Although Mimi asks Guy to let her leave, she smiles instantly when he again asks her to stay. The whole time he sings to her and for most of the dance, she’s very obviously conflicted and Rogers portrays that beautifully. Some of it is the choreography but most of it is her acting. Just one of many, many examples of, as one film historian put it, Ginger Rogers realizing that “the acting did not stop when dancing began.”

• If you think I’m going to shut up about Astaire’s singing, you’re dead wrong. “Night and Day” is a love song with lines like “this torment won’t be through, ‘til you let me spend my life making love to you.” When Frank Sinatra sings that line, it’s seductive. When Fred Astaire does, it’s a sentiment straight from his heart.

• Astaire’s look when he grabs Rogers’ hand and the music kicks up as he does a little dance. Love it. 

• This dance is incredibly intimate. When he twirls her in close for the first time, they lean together, noses almost touching. Her dress is pressed to his suit in several places. 

• Each time they move apart, they come back together slowly, her arm gently on his shoulder, his around her waist. When they’re side by side, again noses almost touching they’re so close, a smile spreads slowly on her face and he responds in kind. 

• It’s after that moment that, for the first time in the dance, he lets her go and they dance together without either holding the other, a signal of their characters’ growing intimacy and partnership. Any other “attempts” by Mimi to leave are all playacting within the dance. She is right where she wants to be. 

• Two movies before a song will induce it, Astaire and Rogers dance cheek to cheek for a few brief seconds in “Night and Day.” As the music turns triumphant, he smiles and she looks a bit rapturous. He doesn’t take his gaze off her for a second and she meets his look without breaking it even after the dance is over. 

• Love the tiny wiggle of Astaire’s fingers as the music dies down, his leg still lifted in the final pose of their dance.

(gif credit) 

• The implications of his offer of a cigarette as her chest is heaving a bit and after such an intimate moment are, um, obvious. 😏😏😏

• A lot of this movie is about sex or the suggestion of sex. “The Continental” involves kissing while dancing. Mimi must pretend to be caught in an affair in order to get a divorce. “Night and Day” mentions “making love.” When Mimi instructs Guy to meet her in her room at midnight, he’s shocked but he shows up and more than once goes to embrace her since he assumes that’s why he’s there. But, as usual in Astaire/Rogers films, the sexiest moments are tied up in the dancing and “Night and Day” is one of the clearest examples.    

• Mimi may have thought Guy was her corespondent because he “said the right words” but there’s something to be said for how suave and charming he was in their dance. Mimi had no trouble believing he might be a hot guy who was hired to help women convince their husbands they were having an affair.

• As Rogers starts to sing “The Continental,” Astaire looks at her so warmly right before the shot switches to a close-up where he’s supposed to stare affectionately at her. But his genuine look before the switch is better.

• Rogers’ dress change before “The Continental” is a good one. That negligee and hairstyle were not the most flattering and her new dress is one of my favorites.

• “The Continental” is very different than the “Carioca” even though it’s meant to replicate it in many ways. But Astaire’s control over the choreography is much more evident. He and Rogers switch from the prescribed motions of the dance to more energetic pieces seamlessly. Several times he sneaks smiles at her that appear to be Astaire himself, rather than solely his character, such as when they turn towards each other with their arms outstretched for the first time or when she begins marching forward first and he follows. 

• The “three steps to the right, three to the left” move that will be integral to the choreography in Swing Time, shows up here first. 

• Pretty sure he nearly gets punched in the face when they link hands and spin so each has one arm in front and one behind. 

• Kissing her hand, rather than her lips, in response to the lyric “you kiss while you’re dancing,” is just the start of a longer conversation about (the lack of) kisses in Astaire/Rogers films. More later.

• The affection on both their faces in the close up near the end of the dance as they twirl around one another (in a slight mockery of the kissing other couples were doing) is very sweet. And I love the final move when he spins her towards him on that last beat and instantly smiles broadly. It’s a look I’d expect to see during rehearsals when you’ve finally done a tricky move perfectly.

• For some reason, RKO thought what people wanted was several more minutes of this song without Astaire or Rogers, and they were wrong. At 17.5 minutes, “The Continental” was the longest musical number on film until the ballet sequence in An American in Paris outran it... by one minute.

• When Astaire and Rogers do rejoin the dance briefly, you can see how well they flow together. Critics and historians have often noted that Rogers wasn’t the most technically perfect or trained of Astaire’s partners but she looks pretty damn perfect. They switch from formal dancing to tap to spins to twirling down steps and she doesn’t ever look out of her league for a second.

• And this is somehow only their second film and third on screen dance together! And yet they already look incredible??

• In the morning, Mimi and Guy’s relationship is so obviously cemented and we know it not by grandiose declarations but in the small action of her grinning and calling him “clown” after he jokes about the arrival of their breakfast. 

• So Mimi’s husband shows up and doesn’t buy Tonetti is her lover for a second because duh. She calls Guy out from hiding to kiss her as proof she’s having an affair of some kind. And he obliges… by kissing her cheek somewhat ridiculously. 🤦‍♀️

• Their final dance as they get ready to leave takes them around the room. I love how he leaps over the couch, not unlike he did back when he was pining for her in “Needle in a Haystack,” and then slides across the rug to reach her in time for the next step. 

• “The Table Dance” that ends the film is another carryover from the stage production. As Astaire guides Rogers from the table down to the floor, her foot doesn’t stop on the chair as his does. It goes from table to floor in one motion. For one beat both of her feet are touching nothing. The move relies entirely on his control and her trust in him. Not an easy ask, not only because of the maneuver but also because Astaire’s stage partner did hurt herself during this dance at one point and the injury eventually led to the end of her career. Maybe that’s why Astaire quickly glances down at the chair on each rotation.  

• And in the final seconds, the music becomes jaunty and the pair look at each other and grin with complete sincerity. For just half a second before he grabs a hat, Astaire looks at her with that same softness you see in other moments. The way she leans into him as they exit is in character, yes, but it’s like two friends thoroughly enjoying themselves, which they were in both respects. 

• So movie two finished! If you think these posts are already getting long, just you wait. Roberta is next and it’s one of my favorites. 

[winterknight1087]

Logically, It’s Love

Summary: Logan watches his son grow up, thinking about how it never mattered that Patton was adopted.

Word Count: 1407

Warnings: bullying mention, broken nose mention

Pairings: familial logicality, background romantic analogical, background royality

AO3 Link       My Writing

Sentence starter prompt: “It had never entered his head that his son was not his own blood.“

It had never entered his head that his son was not his own blood. Logically, Logan knew that Patton wasn’t biologically his son. That would be impossible given that both he and Virgil had male reproduction organs and they had opted to adopt rather than shell out money to have a friend be a surrogate mother for them. He had sat through countless adoption meetings, watched Virgil pour over the language of every contract or form they signed, and had only heard they had been approved when he had gotten a call from Virgil to meet him at the hospital to meet their new son. People stared at the two grown men, dressed in leather and spikes, who sat in the waiting room, with nervous excitement radiating off of their threatening presence. Then their caseworker told the men that their new son had been successfully delivered, 8.6lb and 21in half an hour ago. The caseworker then walked the new punk parents back to let them see the baby.

Logan took in the baby as tears poured down his face, his arms wrapped tightly around his husband. At that moment, the baby became Logan’s son. He became Virgil and Logan’s son. It didn’t matter that the child wasn’t his own blood. Anyways, what was blood when it came to family? If blood equated to family, people who received blood transfusions must have lots of families then. No, the baby being tended to was his son, regardless of whatever biological nonsense bastards might try to throw at him.

It was difficult getting used to having a newborn in their house. Logan would occasionally sneak out to go to the store, just for an excuse to drive his motorcycle rather than the minivan they had bought when they started the adoption process. Virgil would just roll his eyes and remind his husband to pick up more formula for their tiny Patty-Cake.

When Patton was able to sit up, Logan would occasionally take the babbling baby outside and the two of them would sit on the rumbling motorcycle. Logan was careful to not let Virgil know of this bonding experience, knowing that his husband would probably have quite a few words about how dangerous it was and whatnot, but it was worth it to hear Patton giggle. And if Virgil happened to catch several videos of the father-son bonding, well, it was a memory to record.

The punk parents still attended protests and pride events, but now there was always a stroller or a wagon with them, filled with snacks, water, and a happy Patton handing them out behind his fathers’ backs as if they didn’t know what their adorable son was doing. Once Patton was old enough to start picking out colors and outfits he liked, the two dads got him is own set of bubble gum pink punk clothes. He loved wearing the little jacket over his unicorn tee-shirt and ballerina tutu while purple fairy wings fluttered behind him while he offered everything in his reach to anyone near him.

Sure, Logan knew that Patton shouldn’t have too many cookies or stay up past his bedtime. It was only logical of course. Yet, when big trusting blue eyes turn on him, with a little pouting lip, asks for a second cookie or for his Papa to read to him a little longer, logic was set aside for his son. Nothing is absolute, so it only follows that an occasional laxation of certain rules could be allowed. Virgil merely rolled his eyes at the man trying to logically justify things better left to his emotions.

The fact that Patton wasn’t his biological son didn’t matter when he was six and some jackass decided to be cruel to the cheerful child. If anything, the only thing in Logan’s mind was an alarm blaring that his son was hurt. All the child had been doing was playing in the park while his dads finished setting up a picnic. Yet, someone decided to come up and rip the ribbon wand out of the child’s hand and start screaming horrible stuff about gay parents and corrupting children into playing with toys supposedly for the opposite gender. Really, the person should have been glad that Logan’s husband had insisted on washing their studded gloves today, otherwise the person wouldn’t have just a broken nose.

It was better when they dressed up in their respective outfits and attended what other parents would deem the punk scene. Logan and Virgil in dark colors, spikes, tattoos, and piercings looking like the bikers who would kill you if you so much looked at them wrong with a pastel punk child half their height running around with a rainbow flag tied like a cap. Sure the parents were careful to keep Patton away from the more questionable activities, but the three of them always had a good time at events like this.

When Patton was bullied in middle school for expressing himself and not conforming to dumb gendered binaries, he might have screamed at his dads that they weren’t his real parents a couple of times, but Logan never acknowledged that idea in his head. Patton was his son and his son was struggling. They would always give Patton some room if he needed it, but most of the time, they would sit down and discuss what happened and offer Patton their full support in whatever he needed. Those times would always end with the three of them in a cuddle pile, watching Disney movies while eating an excessive amount of pizza and ice cream. And when they exhausted all their options in getting anywhere with a disinterested school board, they decided to move to a friendlier district where Patton could have a new chance at making friends and being himself.

It was difficult and they barely managed to get a lucky break with both of their jobs, but it was all worth it when Patton came home from his first day in his new school and announced that he had already made a new friend and needed help finding his light blue sundress for picture day the next day. Logan would move a thousand times more just to make sure that his son kept that smile and excitement.

And when Patton was in high school and had shyly told his dads that he was dating his best friend, well, of course, Logan had to give Roman the ‘don’t hurt my son’ spiel while his husband and son merely shook their heads at him. They’ve known this boy since moving to this place, so Logan knew that the boy wouldn’t hurt his son, but hey, it’s what Dads did, OK?

If Logan went a bit extra and got the boys a reservation at a fancy restaurant and limo for prom, who would comment that it was unusual? It was just a dad making sure his son had the night of his life with his boyfriend. By this point, Virgil had stopped trying to keep track of Logan’s reasonings and just laughed at the logical man being extra for their son. Though, he did keep his husband from hopping on his bike to follow the limo to make sure everything went well for them.

When Roman proposed to his son, Logan was just as excited for the young man as Patton was. And if some woman in a bridal shop opened her mouth to tell his son that wedding dresses were for women and Logan hitched his shoulders threateningly and gave her his most murderous look, well, he was just protecting his son who wanted a pretty dress for his wedding day.

No, it didn’t matter that Patton wasn’t his own blood. Logan had changed too many diapers. Logan had held a sad child and wipes away tears. He had read too many illogical fairy tales. He had endured teenage angst and drama. Logan and Virgil had raised Patton and that mattered more than their biological connections. So, if the logical man shed a few tears, as he walked on Patton’s left side while his husband walked on Patton’s right down the aisle to where his soon to be son-in-law stood, well, it made sense as he was happy for his son.

And if Patton had hugged him after the wedding with a whispered “love you, Papa,” well, it was only because he was his dad and it was only logical.

[missmarquin]

A Love That Burns Like the Sun

Their love burns like the sun, seemingly forever until it blinks out. The moments before a star's death are always the strongest though and the older they get, the more they love and love and love.It’s been a long time since Sylvain has drowned in the darkness that was space. Sylvix, Oneshot, Modern AU.  Read on A03 for better quality! ---

A Love That Burns Like the Sun

Sylvain’s waiting for his coffee to cool as he watches Felix flit back and forth, his chaotic energy filling the room as he readies for the morning. There’s a piece of toast in one hand and one leg in his trousers as the other tries to pull them over his hips. He trips in his haste, barely catching himself on the kitchen table. Sylvain doesn’t laugh, but he watches the familiar scene fondly, lips quirking into an amused smile as he settles into the hard wooden chair. 

The kitchen set is the only thing he’d taken from his parent’s and not because it was theirs; no, his grandmother had left it for them in her will-- them, not him-- as one final fuck you to his father and the way that he deals with gay sons. 

Of course, the words his father had used so many years ago had been far more colorful-- so colorful in fact that Sylvain’s grandmother had slapped his father across the back of the head before kicking him out. 

“Felix,” Sylvain finally says, “Sit down for a moment. Have some coffee with me.”

Felix pauses. He’s finally shimmied his pants over his hips and there’s a bite out of his toast, his cheeks reddened with his haste. He snatches the food from his mouth to reply with, “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m already going to be late for work.” 

“So be late then,” Sylvain tells him with a shrug. 

“I can’t--”

“You’re the boss. You can do whatever you want.”

“My students, Sylvain,” Felix bites out. The words aren’t harsh, just punctuated and so very Felix in their tone. He puts a lot of stock into the fencing school and Sylvain loves that about him, he loves how much Felix loves his students. 

There’s a but though, as there is with many things. 

“How often do we get mornings together, Fe? Just the two of us?” Perhaps it’s a low blow, but Sylvain’s never claimed to be a good person, and judging by the way Felix pauses, it’s worked. 

Felix drags a hand down his face, pulling at his skin tiredly. “Syl,” he sighs, eyeing the empty chair across from Sylvain. 

“We never had a moment alone, darling.” Sylvain’s lips practically curl around the endearment and he sees the tremble of Felix’s lips. He’s got a retort ready to throw at him, but to Sylvain’s surprise, he drops into the chair instead. 

“What’s another ten minutes?”

“Only ten?” Sylvain pouts at that, finally taking a sip of his coffee. 

“You’re pushing it,” Felix warns, but it’s all bark and no bite. He reaches for a mug and pours his own coffee, wrapping his fingers around it to warm them. I only drink it black, like my soul, he’d once joked, years and years ago. 

Felix had been wrong of course. If anyone had a soul as black as the night, it’d be Sylvain. He only showed his good parts to people, so practiced at wearing a false smile that fooled so easily. And even if it’s gotten better, even if it’s changed over the years, Felix was the only one who’d really ever seen him at his worst and maybe that’s why Sylvain loved him so, so much. He’d seen him amidst those dark moments, pulled him from them without judgement and he’d never left. He was still there, face still cranky and annoyed as ever, but he was still there.

“What?” Felix asks, vexed, and Sylvain realizes that he’d been staring. He’s always staring, really; was Felix just now noticing?

“It’s nothing,” Sylvain promises, flashing him a thin smile and Felix narrows his eyes at him. 

“What’s wrong?” There’s a tinge of concern in his voice, just the tiniest bit and it makes Sylvain’s heart practically ache. 

“Fe, it’s-- No really, there’s nothing wrong.”

“You were staring,” Felix tells him, concern bleeding into prickliness and as soon as it had come, the man’s worry is seemingly gone.

“Since when have I not stared at you?” Sylvain replies smoothly. Honestly and earnestly, and Felix’s eyes widen slightly as he sputters before turning away to hide the pink dusting across his cheeks. “Flustered even now,” he continues to tease. “Fe, we’ve been married for nearly fifteen years.”

Fifteen years, Sylvain thinks. Incredible and astounding, everyday better than the one before because he gets to wake up with Felix by his side. Their love burns like the sun, seemingly forever until it blinks out. The moments before a star's death are always the strongest though and the older they get, the more they love and love and love. 

It’s been a long time since Sylvain has drowned in the darkness that was space. 

“Idiot,” Felix mutters, sipping at his mug to stop himself from saying anything else. 

“Forever and always.”

There’s a long moment before Felix speaks. “I know you Sylvain. What were you thinking about?” The question is quiet and probing in its approach, but Felix isn’t trying to back him into a corner. He always allows Sylvain to bolt if he wishes. 

“Us,” Sylvain answers immediately. Felix blinks, opening his mouth to reply, but Sylvain raises a hand. “Goddess Fe, nothing bad. Just…” His words fail him as he fingers his mug, the warm ceramic a balm across his cold skin. “It hasn’t been easy for us,” he finally says, “But look at us now. I get to wake up with the morning and watch you trip over yourself as you get ready, every day.”

“How mundane,” Felix snorts, dropping his mug back to the table. “What a silly thing to enjoy.”

Waking up every morning next to the love of his life wasn’t something that Sylvain would have thought he’d have, twenty years ago, so he’ll take pleasure in the most mundane of things. Even if it’s as simple as watching Felix trip into his pants, while shoveling breakfast into his mouth. 

“I enjoy you,” Sylvain tells him instead, reaching out to grasp at his hand. Felix doesn’t pull away and Sylvain rubs his thumb along the back of his hand. “Stay home today,” he asks. “Call in on your students. Cancel class and laze away the day with me. We can do nothing if you’d like, stuffing ourselves full of snack food and watching shitty romantic comedies. 

“Or we could go out, have a picnic or go to a museum. Whatever you want to do.”

“Insatiable,” Felix tells him, but it’s in jest, the closest to telling a joke that he ever comes to. 

“You say that like it’s a problem,” Sylvain counters, narrowing his eyes slightly and Felix returns the expression, his own amber eyes practically glowing at the implication. Impulsively, Sylvain places his mug down and reaches forward, grabbing Felix’s chair. He pulls him impossibly close, pressing his fingers into his shirt and pulling tightly-- 

“Sylvain, you’ll crinkle it--”

He yanks Felix close but doesn’t kiss him, only rubbing their noses in a childish show of affection that has Felix grumbling in response. 

“Childish oaf,” Felix chastises, but Sylvain can tell by the hiccup in his breath that he’s not unaffected and resists the urge to further tease him about it. The annoyed tone and burning peach across his nose is plenty enough.

“Have you forgotten what day it is?” Sylvain asks him quietly. 

Felix blinks, pulling back slightly to cock his head to the side. It’s not the first time that Sylvain’s remembered something small and silly, holding onto it until he can bring it up later. And really, he doesn’t expect Felix to remember, not really, because Sylvain is the one that’s overly sentimental. 

Felix hasn’t put his hair up yet, so Sylvain reaches up and tugs at one of the locks. “It’s the day you said yes.”

Felix looks confused, just like Sylvain knew he’d be. “I said yes in the middle of December,” Felix says seriously, as though he were concerned that Sylvain was losing his damn mind. It’s a tone that he uses more often than Sylvain would like to admit. “I remember because you thought a midnight picnic would be romantic and all I got out of it was a boot full of snow.”

Sylvain frowns at that. “You got a husband out of it.”

“No, I got a husband later on. I remember that because you insisted on a private ceremony at the beach and I spent the entire day with sand in my--” 

“It’s the day that you said yes,” Sylvain repeats, pressing his lips to Felix’s cheek in a chaste peck. 

“That’s what you said earlier--”

“I’m not talking about the proposal.” Sylvain is quiet when he leans back a little, moving his hand to cup Felix’s cheek instead, thumbing the soft skin and the hard line of his jaw. “I’m talking about--”

“Oh,” Felix breathes. “Oh.” 

The night that they never mention, the one where Sylvain spiraled into a drunken panic full of self loathing and regret. The one where an ex-girlfriend dumped a drink all over his lap at the mere sight of him at a club, causing Sylvain to bolt like a coltish fawn before anyone could see the tears of hatred for himself. The night where Sylvain cried and cried and cried, screaming that there was no one, that he’d be forever alone because the one person he actually loved wouldn’t give him the light of day. 

The one where Felix grabbed him harshly by the face, pressing their foreheads together and calling him a fool. Where Felix said fucking yes and it was the beginning of the end, but a good change, the best change.

Felix doesn’t like to talk about the night. He’s always been one part embarrassed, one part ashamed about his actions years prior to it, but Sylvain loves that night. He loves that night almost as much as he loves the man before him. 

Felix reaches out to grasp Sylvain’s hand gently, squeezing it as he leans forward, pressing their foreheads together like that night so long ago. Sylvain closes his eyes, willing himself to take deep breaths, feeling Felix’s presence before him and soaking it in, taking in the fresh clean soap scent his face. It anchors him, Felix anchors him, he’s always been Sylvain’s roots, ever since they were literally children. 

It’s a love that was born with their meeting, carefully crafted over their lifetime until it’s flared into this, into whatever they were, and Sylvain wouldn’t trade the world for Felix. 

“I still wonder if you’ll ever settle down,” Sylvain finally. “Every morning is a whirlwind for you.”

“Buffoon,” Felix breathes against him. “Dim-witted fool. I’m here, aren’t I? If that’s not settling down, then I don’t know what is, because only a moron would settle for you.” Sylvain hums at that, smiling into Felix’s hold. 

Sylvain pulls back and Felix kisses him, slow and calculated, intent on pulling everything from Sylvain that he can. It’s not like Felix, but Sylvain likes it, he’s into it, he pulls him closer and responds in kind. 

“I guess I can play hooky,” Felix murmurs against Sylvain’s lips, fingers reaching up to thread through his hair and scratching at his scalp lightly. “Whatever you want to do,” he finishes. 

“I just want to enjoy breakfast with you everyday, forever.”

Felix’s face hardens into annoyance and Sylvain laughs. “Sap,” Felix complains. “Sentimental dolt.” But he doesn’t let go of Sylvain either, fingers still laced together as he reaches for his coffee. The sip he takes is a clear distraction. 

Sylvain smiles at him, watching Felix like he’s the sun, squeezing his hand lightly once and then twice. Felix glances back, mug held close to his face as his lips contort into a near snarl. All bark, never any bite; not with Sylvain at least. 

But Felix squeezes back and Sylvain files it away, for a rainy day. 

Not that he’ll ever need it. 

[hamiltalian-creates]

Brothers Will Be Brothers 3

Summary: Remus wants to spend more time with his little brother. What better way to do so was there than a completely platonic, not-a-date outing?

Pairings: Mentioned Prinxiety, Mentioned Queerplatonic Dukeceit, Creativitwins

Words: 2,639

Warnings: None

"You know what I've realized?" Remus began as he dropped himself on the couch beside his brother. 

"That you don't live here and have better things to do than bother me?" Remus's visits to their moms' house were frequent, but Roman was the only one complaining. 

"I have nothing better to do than to bother my baby brother!" Remus argued, pinching said brother's cheeks. 

Roman swatted his hand away. "What is it, then?" 

"Neither of us have ever been on a date." 

Roman paused and glanced at his brother, wondering if he was serious. 

Remus nodded, assuring his brother that he was. 

Roman sighed and paused his movie before turning to face him. "Remus. You are aromantic. I am a gay theater kid. We aren't exactly big players in the dating scene." 

"Yeah, but you've got Virgil and I've got Dee! Not exactly our boyfriends, but he could be yours and this is about the closest I'd be willing to get. We need to take them on a real date!" 

Roman thought for a second. It wasn't the worst line of logic he'd been presented with. "So, what are you suggesting?" 

Remus grinned and pulled a green necklace out from beneath his collar. "I think its time I take you on your second fake date." 

Roman fought back a dorky smile, failing miserably, and scoffed. "Wow, you.. You think I'd want to do that? I was, like, 9 and scared from coming out, you're such a weirdo." 

Remus raised an eyebrow, not buying Roman's terrible attempts at fooling him. "Oh, really? Then why do you still wear this around?" He reached over and pulled a matching red necklace from beneath Roman's onesie. 

Roman's face quickly matched the metal as he snatched it back. "I just like the color!" 

Remus rolled his eyes. "Right, well, we promised each other that as long as we had these, we'd be there for each other. Are you going to let your teenage pride force you into breaking a promise like that, Prince?" 

Roman bit the inside of his cheek and ran his fingers over the red chain. "You're right... Fine, but don't say I wanted to do this." 

Remus rolled his eyes. "Don't say that you wanted to spend some quality time with your big brother, learning to be a better boyfriend?" 

"And especially never repeat that sentence again."  

Half an hour and an outfit change later, Roman was in his brother's pickup truck, sitting in the driver's seat for once. 

"I mean, I assume you are going to be the one leading your date," Remus explained as he planted his feet on the dashboard. “You have to be ready to drive him without giving him a panic attack.” 

“I’m not that bad at driving!” Roman pulled out of the parking lot and began driving down the street. “Where am I taking you, anyways?”

Remus shrugged. “That’s for you to figure out, isn’t it?”

Roman sighed and just drove where the road took him, trying to figure something out. 

As he did, Remus smiled and watched him, remembering their first fake date, or “bro date” as Roman dubbed it afterwards. 

Poor little Roman had tears in his eyes as he told his family that he liked a boy in his class. He wouldn’t have been as upset as he was, but he’d already heard the stupid “boys shouldn’t date boys” talk from the so-called “cool” guys in his class. His mothers had tried to explain to him that they were wrong and that it was more than okay, but he just wasn’t believing it. Thankfully, big brother Remus was living with them at the time and he was more than glad to help his baby brother feel better, with the condition that their mom would drive him around, of course. Obviously, they had to get Roman to stop crying somehow, so the first place Remus wanted to go was an ice cream shop. Chocolate with gummy bears for himself and strawberry with sprinkles and cookies for Roman. 

“Are you feeling better?” Remus had asked about halfway through. 

Roman was still sniffling a bit, but he still nodded. 

“Good. Next we’re going to the arcade!” 

Remus was snapped out of his memories as Roman parked the truck in front of a skating rink. 

“Obviously, I wouldn’t take Virgil here, but I figured you’d like it.” 

Remus smiled and hopped out of the truck, waiting for Roman to join him before walking in with him. “And you’d be right. Don't worry, I'm paying, since I did drag you out here." 

"Drag sure is a nice way to put it," Roman replied with a joking tone. 

Remus just smiled, letting his brother get away with that one. "So, where are you taking Virgil?"

Roman shrugged a bit. "Uh, I'm not exactly sure yet.. I'm thinking maybe mini golf? I saw this indoor glow in the dark mini golf place." 

"Oh, I know that place! Dee and I go there all the time, it's pretty empty and security is pretty weak, so it's pretty private." 

"That's disgusting! People go there with their families." 

Remus laughed and held open the door for both of them. "I meant it's a nice, quiet date spot. Get your head out of the gutters, Princey." 

"I-" Roman cut himself off with a sigh. There was never any winning with a weirdo like Remus, was there? 

"Any other ideas?" 

"A picnic in the park is always a safe bet. Maybe movies, too." 

Remus nodded and paid for both of them to go inside. "Makes sense. I think he'll appreciate whatever you decide to do, but for now, I'm your date." 

"We agreed that you wouldn't say that." 

Remus shook his head. "You agreed that I wouldn't say that. I agreed to nothing." 

Roman groaned and went with him to get their skates, Remus opting for roller blades while Roman got regular skates. 

"You know, for a picture of grace, you always have been kind of clumsy, haven't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Roman shot back as he put his skates on. "I am incredibly graceful and I can't believe that you'd imply otherwise." 

Remus rolled his eyes and smiled. Roman may have been princely in every other sense of the word, but he had little to no athletic ability. It made for a pretty unfortunate time whenever they went to the arcade that time... 

"This game is rigged," Roman pouted after his fifth absolute fail at skee ball. 

Remus chuckled and gave it a try himself, easily five times as many points as his little brother. "Maybe this game just isn't for you.." 

And the same went for just about any game that required any skill. Poor Roman would try his best, but still only managed to get a fraction of the tickets that Remus managed to rack up. 

"It's no fair.. It's because you're older.. I thought this was supposed to be fun!" 

"It is! We just need to find a game that suits you." 

Roman pouted and looked around, his attention caught by the flashing lights from the dance game nearby. "Hey, what about that one?" 

"Uh..." Remus was a bit hesitant to put Roman on something so showy, but... "Sure." If anyone wanted to say anything about his clumsy brother, they'd have to go through Remus first. They were out to help cheer Roman up, anyways. 

Roman smiled and ran over to the end of the short line for the game, jumping in place as Remus joined him. "I'm going to beat you at this one, for sure."

"I'm sure you will," Remus hummed, but he was not mentally prepared for the possibility of Roman's prediction coming true. And boy, did Roman deliver. 

"Hah! Perfect score! See? I can beat you at games, too." 

"Uh..." Remus just put his hands on Roman's shoulders and lead him off. "What the fuck?" he whispered to himself. 

"How can you be so good at dance and so bad at something like skating?" Remus asked as he and Roman stood against the guard rails, the latter holding on for dear life. 

"Shut up! Wheels do not belong on feet, I'm entitled to some level of struggle here." 

"We used to go skating all the time and you managed to stay bad at it." Remus chuckled and turned to skate backwards, holding his hands out for Roman's. "Come on, there's a bunch of little kids skating around you, this is embarrassing." 

Roman grumbled, but took his brother's hands. "Fine, only because those kids needs the help more than I do." 

"That's debatable. Come on, you can't be that bad at skating." 

Roman huffed and tried to control the wobbling in his legs as best as he could. "And you shouldn't be able to be this weird, but here we are." 

Remus laughed. "Is that the only insult you have? That I'm weird? Because I know that already." 

"You're immune to all other insults because you're so weird!" Roman shot back, letting go of Remus's hands and immediately falling on his butt. 

Remus chuckled and knelt down. "Older brothers are just more annoying. I've got a few years on you." He held his hands out again and helped Roman up as he took them. "Why don't we call it a day? You can take me to the next part of our not-a-date." 

"It's not a date," Roman grumbled. "But fine." He let Remus pull him out of the rink and to the benches in front of the lockers where their shoes were. He changed out of his skates and waited as Remus turned their skates in, thinking about where they could go next. Preferably somewhere where he wouldn't be on the ground the whole time. 

The two got back into the truck and Roman began driving once again. 

"So, why do you still wear that necklace, if you hate me so much?" Remus asked. 

Roman sighed, an embarrassed blush rising into his cheeks. "If you must know, it's because I... I feel safe wearing it. It's stupid, but you gave it to me for that when I still believed in magic," because now was not the time to admit he did still believe in magic and get made fun of for it, "and I guess part of me still believes in it..." 

Remus smiled and put a hand over his heart, wiping a fake tear from his eye. "Aw, how sweet. Well, it's good to know that you know I'm always here for you." 

"Yeah, whatever," Roman grumbled. 

Contrary to popular belief, Roman's insistence on acting aggressively towards his brother didn't bother the oldest at all. After all, Remus knew that deep down, Roman didn't hate him. The two were just so different, it was nearly impossible for them to not bump heads, though Remus didn't care about their differences so much that he just didn't fight back. What was the point? Everyone was unique, there was no point in arguing back with Roman about it, even if Roman always threw his attitude at him. 

"Alright.. How about we get lunch, then we can head home?" 

Remus shrugged. "Always so eager to leave me, aren't you?" he teased as Roman pulled up at a pizza shop. 

"Maybe I wouldn't be if you weren't-"

"A weirdo?" Remus finished for him, laughing through his words. "You're not very creative when it comes to insults." 

"There's so much weirdness about you that it makes it hard to think of anything that makes sense! I'm usually really good at this, ask literally any of the rest of my friends and they'll tell you." 

"Nah, I'll believe you." Remus hopped out of the truck and walked inside with Roman, both of their stomachs rumbling as they caught the scent of pizza in the air. "Alright, food is on me, go nuts." 

Roman nodded and stepped into the line with his brother, thinking about how their last fake date ended. He was too emotional the rest of the day to remember it as clearly as Remus probably did, but those few moments would probably stick with him for a long time. 

Remus had won quite a few more tickets than Roman, sure, but Roman's pride made him hog most of the game tokens, so Remus couldn't win enough to get them anything truly decent. 

"Sorry about that.." Roman muttered, letting Remus look thought the prizes first, despite how much he'd protested against it. 

"It's fine, we can just load up on candy, no problem. Why don't you go get our moms, I know what you like." 

Roman nodded and did that, getting them and coming back to find Remus with a small bag full of candy in one hand and the other hand hidden behind his back. 

"Whatcha got there?" Roman asked, trying to move fast enough to look behind him. 

"You have to close your eyes first." 

"Don't be such a dork!" Roman whined. "I'm ten years old, I'm not a baby or anything." 

"I never said you were, I just said you have to close your eyes before I can show you what I've got." 

Roman groaned dramatically, but closed his eyes, knowing that stubbornness was a trait that they shared. He felt something cold around his neck and opened his eyes when he was told to do so, furrowing his eyebrows. "A plastic necklace?" 

Remus put a hand on his chest and scoffed. "Uh, not just any plastic necklace." He showed him the matching green one that was around his own neck. "We're matching! Now, anytime you think that everyone's going to be mad at you or you're wrong for doing something or being something you want to be, here's a reminder that you're wrong. I'm your big brother. I don't care what people think about me and I sure as he- er, heck, don't care what people think about you." 

Roman smiled and clutched the plastic in his hands. "Thanks, I really love it.. Thank you for being so nice today." 

Remus smiled and nudged him. "Hey, what are brothers for?" 

The two of them were so close when they were younger. It was when Remus moved out that they grew apart and only because it happened to coincide with Roman transitioning from an dramatic kid into a moody, over dramatic teenager. He claimed that he grew a sense of class and realized just how disturbing his brother's constant stream of weirdness could be, but really, he didn't hate him at all. He was just a little upset that he wasn't around as often. He knew better than to blame Remus or be mad at him for having his own life, but... He did miss him pretty badly. No matter how annoying he could be at times. 

"We should do this more often. I don't know about you, but I've had a pretty fun day," Remus hummed as they sat and waited for their food. 

"Actually..." Roman paused for a few seconds before nodding. "I did have a good day. I enjoyed spending time with you, believe it or not." 

Remus snorted a bit. "Oh, I'm great company. I completely believe it." 

Roman chuckled. "I'll let you believe that." 

Remus smiled and enjoyed a quiet lunch with his brother. Quiet usually wasn't his thing, but if it gave him the chance to be a good brother without Roman complaining about his presence every two seconds, he'd take it. Sure, the complaining didn't particularly bother him, Roman was just a teenager being a teenager, but sometimes, it was nice to just be brothers. Or, rather, friends. Obviously, they'd be brothers forever, but for them to actually get along and not just begin arguing on sight? To actually be brothers and friends? That relationship was worth everything.  

[firemblem-fics]

Heyhey! I found your blog a couple days ago and I love it SO MUCH!! So I was wondering if I could have a f!Byleth just, so obvioisly pining for Mercedes like the Big Gay she is, and EVERYONE in the house can tell but Mercedes is super oblivious???

i love mercedes! she’s so soft and i just- unironic uwu.

silly goose. | mercedes x reader

warnings: uhh i dunno not a lot, i went off on how dumb the friendzone is and complained abt men but that’s abt it

“yeah! we’re best friends!” the soft blonde girl smiles, glancing over at you.

you return the smile and nod. “yeah, best friends.”

ingrid laughs a little. “just best friends?” she asks, and winks at you.

you flush a little. mercedes looks between the two of you and quirks an eyebrow, but then continues.

“the closest of friends! i can go to her for everything.”

she laid a hand on your arm and suddenly your stomach erupted into butterflies. you put your hand atop of hers and held it lightly, as best friends do.

throughout the week, you had been trying your hardest to express your feelings to mercedes without actually telling her them. for all you knew, she could like only guys. but, then again, why was she so flustered when dorothea was flirting with her?

you had done many things to impress her. you gave her flowers, had a girls day with makeovers and time in the spa, got her new paints, everything. but every time, she would respond with the same thing:

“thanks! you’re the best friend i could ever have!”

you knew the friendzone didn’t exist. it was a construct made up by the male in order to guilt trip women into liking them. but you couldn’t help but feel like you were being shoved in that imaginary zone. but no, you were a respectable woman who would respectfully respect mercedes and if she wasn’t interested, you certainly weren’t going to complain or push her like a man sometimes does.

but, she wasn’t showing that she wasn’t interested, was she?

you overthought this a lot, and finally decided to go to dorothea for help. she had been around her fair share of girls, you knew that and admired her for it honestly, and you were in desperate need.

dorothea just laughed. “y/n! you know how innocent mercedes is! she just sits around praying all day, i bet she hasn’t even realized your advances.”

you sighed dejectedly. “yeah, i know. what can i do?”

“be more forward! set up a picnic and make her favorites, and then tell her! she won’t get it unless you tell her!”

you nodded and smiled. “you’re right. thanks, dorothea.”

the girl only put her thumbs up and pushed you out of her room. “now go get your girl! the whole school already knows!”

“wait what-“

the door was slammed in your face before you finished. you headed towards the dining hall, getting ready to prepare the best goddamn picnic in the history of picnics. you took hours hand picking each ingredient to make mercedes’s favorite dinner, drink, and dessert before placing them neatly in a basket and spreading a cloth out on the top of one of the monastery’s towers.

you found petra wandering around and sent her to find mercedes and tell her where to meet you. and then you waited.

nerves almost consumed you before you heard light footsteps coming behind you.

“mercedes! it’s nice to see you,” you grinned.

mercedes’s cheeks flushed slightly at the scene in front of her. “oh, my, y/n! is this for us?”

“it’s for you, mainly,” you said nervously, “i made everything your favorite.”

mercedes smiled at you again and sat next to you as you opened up the ribbon-tied basket and brought out the dinner. together, the two of you talked and laughed throughout the evening and into the night, before mercedes began to yawn.

“are you tired?” you asked.

“yeah, a little,” she replied, “but i don’t want to leave yet.”

you shifted nervously, and then opened up your arm. “we can lay here for a while, if you want.”

mercedes looked up at you and scooted closer, snuggling into your arm and laying her head on your shoulder. your thumb rubbed circles into her arm as you laid your head on hers. finally, you got the courage to speak.

“listen, mercedes,” you began, “um, i don’t know if you know this, but all of the things i do for you isn’t just because we’re friends.”

mercedes lifted her head slightly. “huh? then what was it for?”

“it’s- ugh, it’s because i like you. like, i really really like you. and i tried so hard to make it known to see if you felt the same but nothing i tried worked. so, i understand if you don’t feel the same but-“

as soon as they came, mercedes’s lips were gone from your cheek. she nestled closer into your side and used her hand to cover her face as she smiled.

“silly goose,” she laughed lightly, “i like you too.”

[hazeofhearts]

I Just Got You Back (Carol Danvers x reader)

(My dilemma when I’m dumb as rocks but my thirst is strong. Therefore, of COURSE this is the first thing I post after I’ve seen it because I will NOT lie, that final battle scene and pretty much most of the movie made my heart flutter and make me extremely bothered. Like this gif??? WHEEWWW IM GAY!!)

Warning: Sexual themes (not explicit but definitely more than implied)

You laid on the roof of Maria’s house, a blanket wrapped around your shoulders and your eyes to the stars. A weight pressed heavy on your chest, a longing that was equal parts aching and sharp, coming and going in pangs.

You missed Carol.

It had been six years since she had supposedly died when she came back to surprise not only you but Maria and Monica as well. When she entered the house, you’d dropped one of Maria’s cheap water glasses and shattered it. Seeing the face of your long dead lover was definitely something you hadn’t expected. And the blank resolution in her eyes made it even worse.

You spent a few hours with her, trying to see if she remembered anything from before. She confessed that she did remember you, faintly, in the bed of a pickup truck with the moon shining on your bare-

And Monica was promptly sent out of the room to collect Carol’s things. You felt yourself flush with embarrassment.

Once Carol had regained her full memories, she kissed you in a way that she had never done before, not even in your most passionate nights. Your knees felt weak from the sheer force that she kissed you with and the fact that she kissed you in front of everybody on the lawn.

Maria of course knew but everybody else were essentially strangers. You still had to be careful when showing affection in public. You told this to her, chastising her, but she only swept you into her arms and kissing you again.

Then she went on that absurdly dangerous space mission and left you worrying a rut in the carpet of Maria’s parents house. Maria’s mother tried to console you, offering you various types of tea and other things but nothing could distract you from this.

Your lover came back from the dead after six years, spent an entire afternoon with fake memories and then even less time with real memories and then left you to go back to God knows where. You didn’t want to lose her a second time.

When she came back down and seemingly in one piece, you ran to her in the driveway and tackled her to the ground, showering her in kisses and your tears. She gave them right back to you with earnest.

Over the next few days with the Skrulls hiding out in Maria’s house, you took full advantage of having Carol back in your hands. You went out on dates a lot, hanging around your favorite diner, exploring the local bookstores and even traveling to the spot where the pickup truck incident happened.

You closed your eyes and tried to remember the last night you had with Carol before she went back into space.

You gasped as Carol bit down on the sensitive juncture of your neck. She leaned back and a smug grin was on her face, mirth shining in her eyes.

“You tease,” you breathed out, a gooey smile on your lips.

I Wanna Know What Love Is playing from the radio made you chuckle as Carol trailed down your bare top half with her tongue, her brilliantly colored eyes flickering up to watch you every few seconds. Your head was propped up on one of Maria’s blankets so you could see Carol’s journey.

“You’re certainly not out of practice,” you said happily, your fingers running through Carol’s hair as she reached the waistband of your pants. “Did you see anybody while you were-“

“Never. Somehow I knew that there was somebody for me, even if it wasn’t at the front of my mind.”

You sighed as Carol unbuttoned your jeans and slid both them and your underwear down your legs. She herself was in her underwear, her matching set turning you on more than you’d be willing to admit.

“I love you, Carol.”

“I love you too.”

And with that, she linked your hands together and attached herself to you between your legs, making you buck your hips into her mouth until you cried out with six years of pent up sexual want and need.

After several hours and several orgasms, you finally fell asleep in the bed of your pickup truck laying on Carol’s chest, both of you buck ass nude except for a large checkered blanket that covered you both. Or at least, Carol thought you had fallen asleep.

“I’ve been thinking of a way to propose to you and take you with me.... but I don’t want to endanger you. I want to keep you with me. I don’t ever want to forget you again.”

You shuddered with a sob and sat up, facing your lover. Carol’s face was crinkled into one of extreme panic.

“Would you really have went into space without proposing to me?!”

“No! I wanted to do it but I had no idea how,” Carol said, trailing off slowly and sitting up as well, letting the blanket fall to her lap and expose her upper half.

“Well, would you still take me with you?”

Carol’s lip twisted in a contemplative way that you’d seen more than once before.

“I want to, you know I do.”

“You can teach me to defend myself! We can spar,” you said, wiggling your shoulders and making her laugh.

“How about we just get you a ring for now and we’ll call it even. Once I find the Skrulls a new home, I’ll come home and marry you and then I’ll build you a space house out in the galaxy.”

It was your turn to giggle and you pressed a sweet kiss to Carol’s lips.

“I’d like that.”

And so you’d gone into the big city early the next morning and scoured wedding ring shops. More than once, you’d been asked what you were doing and both you and Carol had agreed that morning that you were getting a ring and Carol was your “best friend” who was helping because your husband broke your first one. An easy lie, especially since you didn’t live around here and the shop workers would definitely forget you as soon as you left.

You’d returned home with a few other shopping bags from the mall and wide smiles on both of your faces. Maria hugged you tightly together and swore to Carol that she would take care of you. After all, she’d been doing it for six years already.

After dinner and the dishes were done, you sat on the porch with Carol, flashing the ring on your finger from time to time.

“Are you happy,” Carol asked.

“Happy doesn’t even begin to describe it, my love. My heart feels so full of love for you.”

Carol gave you a mushy looking smile and you returned it full force. Then, Monica came bursting out of the house and the moment was ruined but you didn’t care.

Before Carol shot herself back into space, she cupped your face in her hands and gave you the most languid and yet tantalizing kiss you had ever received. It made you flush from your head to your toes, especially when her hands started trailing downwards.

Maria cleared her throat and you jerked back, a small squeak of horror releasing from your throat.

Carol stepped back from you and gave one last longing look to the three of you gathered by the porch. Maria had a hand on your shoulder and Monica’s and you were holding Monica’s hand.

A flash of blinding white light and Carol was gone again from your life.

That was six months ago and though you knew that Carol wasn’t gone forever, you still missed her deeply. You still hoped that she was safe and that she was thinking of you.

A shooting star streaked across the sky from above and you snapped your eyes shut, wishing for the only thing you could think of in that moment.

“Any room for one more up here?”

You gasped and sat up, whipping your head to the ladder where Carol was standing in her uniform.

“Oh my God! Is it really you?”

You crawled clumsily across the roof to Carol as she heaved herself up and made her way towards you.

“Yes! But be quiet, we don’t want to wake anybody inside,” she said, quirking a brow at your loudness.

“Right, yes, we don’t want to do that.”

Carol chuckled at you and pressed her lips to yours. You moaned into her mouth almost on instinct and you could feel her breath in deeply. Her hands splayed on your waist and the back of your head, locks of your hair twirled between her fingers.

Carol leaned you back onto the roof and nearly kissed you into the shingles. You rolled a few times until you were on the same spot you had been before with a picnic blanket under you.

Carol’s hands wandered around your body and you arched and twitched under her touch. She laughed into your mouth until you bit her bottom lip. She jerked her head back in surprise and hefted herself off of you.

“I missed you, baby.”

Carol turned you on your side and pressed you against her chest, your head fitting perfectly in the crook of her neck.

“I missed you too.”

“Let’s got married tomorrow.”

“Sure, honey. Let’s get married.”

[parkerparts]

Christmas Chaos & Confessions

Parkner Week 2019 Day One: “Road Work Ahead” / Parades / Identity Porn

Read it on AO3 here.

Peter loved Christmas. It was probably his favorite holiday, although Valentine’s Day was a close second. However, this Christmas parade shebang was sucking away a good bit of his Christmas spirit. 

“You know, I always thought Mr. Harrington was a bit odd, but I didn’t think he was cruel,” Ned said as he walked with Peter. 

Midtown had a float for the Christmas parade but a shortage of students who wanted to ride it. Mr. Harrington, in a charitable act, had signed the entire decathlon team up. 

Peter sighed. “Yeah, well, at least we get service hours for this. I still need, like, forty.”

Ned started at him. “Dude. You’re literally a superhero. You patrol almost every night. Don’t you think you’ve done more than enough community service?”

“I can’t exactly tell that to the school though!” 

“Keeping secrets, are we Petey? Come on, fess up. Is it you who’s been leaving lipstick marks all over the bathroom mirrors?” Harley interjected. Peter felt his face heat as Harley smirked at him. He hadn’t realized they had already reached the Midtown float. 

“Don’t call me Petey. And you wish.”

“I do, actually. Light pink lip gloss would really suit you.”

Peter, whose face was surely bright red by now, was saved from having to respond by MJ. “Your gay really popped out, Harley. Calm down. What’s up, losers?”

“We’re good!” Ned replied brightly. “Well, I mean, personally I’d be much better if I was asleep and warm than out here for this stupid parade, but that might just be me?”

A chorus of negatives responded, not just from Peter and his friends, but the rest of the decathlon team and an assortment of other students on the float as they climbed on. Peter shivered as the float started moving. He was wearing no less than three layers underneath the Midtown sweatshirt he had to wear for the parade, but the New York winter wind was biting. His inability to thermoregulate, a definite downside of his spider genes, meant he was still freezing. 

Suddenly, he felt a warm, heavy weight on his shoulders, and he looked up. Harley raised an eyebrow when Peter caught his eye. “I know you’re always cold, so I brought an extra blanket. You’re welcome.”

“Thank you, Harley,” Peter murmured, pulling the thick, flannel blanket around himself. It smelled like the lab and DUM-E’s favorite air freshener. The familiar mix of scents warmed him just as much as the physical blanket did. 

He felt like he could overheat when Harley smiled gently back at him. For a moment too long to be normal and too short to be satisfactory, they just stared at each other, smiles frozen on their faces, eyes locked on the other’s. 

When Harley Keener moved to New York, he found himself a place in Peter’s life so easily that one might think there had been a Harley-shaped hole in his life all along. 

Their little moment was broken by a sudden screaming in Peter’s mind to get down, and he screamed the words in panic just before the world burst into flames. He heard the explosion before he felt it, a sharp, metallic bang followed by a gust of heat and smoke that knocked him to the ground. Peter couldn’t see through the smoke, couldn’t breathe, and for a terrifying moment, he was fifteen years old again, trapped under a burning building. 

Help, please!

The sound of screaming, Betty and Ned’s screaming, dear God, startled Peter back into his body. He gasped. Smoke filled his lungs, but he coughed it out as he stumbled off of the float and into a hazy alleyway. 

Come on, Spider-Man.

Peter pressed a button on his watch. He and Mr. Stark had built it together over Thanksgiving break for emergencies. It housed a compact version of the Iron Spider suit that assembled around Peter in seconds. 

“Hello, Peter,” Karen’s calm voice greeted. Peter would have quipped back a response if he hadn’t been too busy gulping in fresh air through the suit’s filtration system. “There seems to be a problem at the intersection of Main Street and Kissena Boulevard.”

“Yeah, I know that. Thanks, K. What am I looking at?” Peter scrambled up the wall of the nearest building and perched on the side of it, looking out at the street. The float in front of Midtown’s was on fire, and it was quickly catching, so Peter swung down as he listened to Karen’s report. 

“Osborn Corporation’s float exploded. My scans show that it resulted from a gas leak. There are no deaths or critical injuries. I suggest we contain and put out the fires and move any civilians out of the surrounding area.”

“Any backup?” he asked, landing on Midtown’s float. He knew he should contain the fire first because it was quickly spreading onto Midtown’s float, but those were his friends, and he needed to make sure he got them to safety. He helped a squealing but otherwise uninjured Flash off the float as he scanned the area. Ned and Betty were already running off with a group of other students, MJ was helping Brad off of the float, but Harley was nowhere to be seen.

“Iron Lad is in the area. ETA two minutes.” Peter smiled beneath his mask as he shot a blanket of inflammable webbing over Osborn Corp.’s float. Iron Lad was a relatively new superhero. He had shown up in New York around three months ago in his shiny red and silver suit to help Peter out during a particularly difficult confrontation. Peter had called him his knight in shining iron armor. 

Iron Lad was another teenage vigilante. He had described himself as a friendly neighborhood Iron Man when Peter ran into him on patrol the next day. Tony had laughed at that for hours when Peter told him. The other boy also apparently was in contact with Tony, who was frustratingly tight-lipped about the subject whenever Peter brought it up. Peter was grateful for the help. He swallowed his pride and developed a patrol schedule in coordination with Iron Lad, which allowed him a little more time for other stuff. Junior year was rough, and although he felt some niggling guilt about slacking off on his superhero duties, he trusted the city was in good hands with Iron Lad. Peter’s favorite nights, however, were when he would patrol with Iron Lad every Sunday night. They’d usually end by sitting together on a rooftop somewhere and watching the sunrise, despite knowing that they had school the next morning. They spent those nights stopping crime together, sure, but they also ate pancakes from iHop on their rooftop picnics and talked into the early morning. 

One night, Peter had confessed his crush on Harley Keener. He decidedly didn’t mention his other crush on Iron Lad. In return, the boy had confessed his own crush, a boy at his school who was apparently a super genius. He hadn’t mentioned a name, though, and Peter hadn’t wanted to ask. It made Peter’s heart sink, but he ignored it and decided it was probably best if the two of them remained friends, anyway. 

It didn’t stop him flirting with the other superhero to the best of his ability, but that was nobody’s business but his own. 

“Great,” Peter said as he landed on the road next to Osborn Corp.’s float. “Can you find Harley for me?”

There was a heart-stopping pause before Karen shiftily replied, “I cannot—“

The rest of her answer was cut off by the panicked buzzing in Peter’s brain and the following explosion. 

“Not again,” he groaned. The impact had thrown him against a building, knocking the wind out of his lungs. He leaned his head back for a moment as he tried to catch his breath and recenter himself. “What was that?”

“The float in front of Osborn Corporation’s was carrying pyrotechnics, which caught fire and went off. Iron Lad is on the scene.”

“Hey, Spider-Boy. How’s it going?” Peter grinned weakly as a familiar figure landed in front of him. 

“Better now that you’re here, Iron Knight,” he teased. 

“Just a little road work ahead, huh?”

Peter took the outstretched hand and got to his feet. “Uh, yeah. Sure hope it does!” He delighted in the sound of Iron Lad’s laughter as he swung away, the other hero flying right behind him. 

Alongside the fire team that eventually showed up, Spider-Man and Iron Lad got the situation under control. While Iron Lad helped contain and put out the fires, Peter cleared the area of civilians and treated the minor injuries he saw. Some people with more severe burns and broken bones, he helped into the ambulances that arrived. 

Finally, the two superheroes left the scene behind for the policemen, who would handle the legal side of things. They hovered in the air for a moment, Peter on a web and Iron Lad with his repulsors. “Good work, Spidey.”

Peter grinned. “Thanks, man. Don’t know what I would have done without my favorite crime-fighting partner.”

“I’m your favorite? Wow, I’m flattered. Don’t let the big man hear you say that. He’d get jealous.”

“I’ll face Iron Man’s wrath for you any day.” Peter said. “See you around, Iron Lad!”

As Peter swung away, he saw the other boy salute, causing him to laugh. He spotted his friends and the other Midtown students gathered on the football field, so he quickly dropped into a nearby abandoned building to get out of his suit before running over. 

A cheer went up as they saw Peter jogging across the football friend. He suspected it had more to do with the fact that, with the roll call finally complete, they could all go home and be done with the whole mess, but it made him smile, anyway. 

“There you are, Peter!” Harley cried, running to him and meeting him halfway. “Jesus, I was so worried about you. Where were you? What took you so long to get here?”

“I got lost?” Peter started before nodding to himself. “Yeah, I got loss. The first explosion really shook me up, and the smoke made me disoriented. I was probably halfway to Brooklyn before realizing I was going in the wrong direction.”

Without warning, Harley pulled him into a hug. Peter really hoped that he couldn’t feel his heartbeat racing. “I’m just real glad you’re okay, Petey.”

“Don’t call me Petey,” he grumbled into Harley’s shoulder. “Sorry, I lost your blanket. I’ll buy you a new one.”

Harley laughed, a rumble that Peter felt more than heard, and it warmed him to the core. “You’re adorable.”

“I’m not!” Peter cried indignantly, pulling away. 

“You are,” MJ butt in as Ned swept Peter into a hug of his own. Ned and MJ both knew about his whole Spider-Man gig and were therefore much more chill about his late appearance than Peter. Well, Ned always worried whenever Peter became Spider-Man, but they had both seen him unharmed in the midst of the chaos. 

It wasn’t like Peter hadn’t told Harley on purpose. He trusted Harley with his heart, but he just never got around to saying anything about it. However, as Harley swung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into his side, Peter resolved to tell Harley later that day. He hated seeing the other boy worried, and he didn’t want to keep secrets from him anymore. 

“Do you guys want to go get hot chocolate or something? It’s on me, since I made you worry so much,” Peter offered. 

“As lovely as that sounds, we’ll have to take a rain check, Peter. It’s about time we started heading back for lunch. I’m sure everyone saw the news, and I let them know we’re both fine, but you know how they are. Unless you want Iron Man showing up in the middle of Starbucks to drag us both home, we should probably save it for another day,” Harley reminded him.

Peter pouted. “Fine. We’ll see you guys later!”

Ned and MJ waved them off as Harley and Peter started walking. Leah and Abbie had arrived the night before from Tennessee as soon as Abbie’s Christmas break started, so Tony was hosting a get-together lunch at the penthouse he, Pepper, Morgan, and Harley lived in. May, Happy, and Rhodey would all be joining them. It was a little family reunion for the holidays. 

Peter and Harley walked in a comfortable silence. The bustle of the city, the wind whistling in his ears, and the steady drum of Harley’s heartbeat calmed Peter down. The last sound especially washed away the lingering panic he had felt when Harley was nowhere to be seen after the first explosion. 

“I have something to tell you,” Peter said, suddenly, at the same time as Harley. They both stopped a block away from their building and turned to face each other. 

“You first,” Harley said with a laugh. 

Peter shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. You go first.”

“This is my first white Christmas,” Harley said, the sudden softness of his tone startling Peter. “Abbie’s too. I’m just really glad to be spending it with y’all. All of y’all. Tony, Pep, Morgan, Abbie, Mama, and you. You’re my family, and I just, I guess I’m just trying to say thank you.”

“Oh, Harley,” Peter murmured, grabbing the other boy’s hand. “You’re so welcome. We’re so lucky to have you here.”

Harley smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks,” he repeated. “Now your turn.”

Peter took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. “I’m Spider-Man.”

He opened his eyes to watch Harley’s reaction. It surprised him how passive it was. His face didn’t change, and he didn’t make any noise. If it wasn’t for the twitch of his lips and the knowing glimmer in his eyes, Peter would have thought Harley didn’t hear him. 

“Yeah, I kind of figured.”

Peter stared at Harley for a moment. “I’m sorry, what? How?”

“Working alongside you to do vigilante work feels a lot like how we work in the lab and do school work together, and you have that moral goodness and self-sacrificing tendency of a superhero.”

Peter shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair. Wait, hold up. Rewind. What did you say? We do vigilante work together? Who-” It took an embarrassingly long few seconds to put together all the pieces in his scrambled brain, but he realized “You’re Iron Lad. Oh, crap. That’s embarrassing.”

Harley laughed and bumped Peter’s shoulder with his own. “Hole in one, Parker. I always knew you were a child genius. And how is that embarrassing?”

“Because,” Peter sighed, resigning himself to another confession. “I distinctly remember telling Iron Lad that I have a crush on one Harley Keener.”

At that, Harley had a more pronounced reaction. His eyes widened, and his grip on Peter’s hand tightened. “Oh. That’s right. Forgot about that.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay though. I told Spider-Man that I have a crush on Peter Parker.”

Peter let go of Harley’s hand in surprise. “I’m sorry, you what now? I definitely would have remembered that.”

“Didn’t I?” Harley asked, tilting his head to the side. “I remember telling you as Spidey about the time that you as Peter Parker bitch slapped Brady for leaking a freshman girl’s nudes and how that was the moment I realized I kind of really liked you.”

Peter laughed at the memory. “I do remember that actually, but you never mentioned any names, and I didn’t know what school you went to, so how was I supposed to know?”

“You’re a genius, aren’t you?” Harley laughed. Peter couldn’t help but smile. 

“Not when it comes to you, I’m not. I never know what to do with myself around you, yet somehow I’m like most comfortable around you,” Peter admitted. 

Harley smiled softly. “Back at you, Petey.”

“Don’t call me Petey,” Peter reminded him as he hugged the other boy. “In case it wasn’t clear, Harley Keener, I really, really like you.”

“And I really, really like you too, Peter Parker,” Harley whispered in his ear. They stayed like that, hugging each other in the middle of a winter flurry, for a moment that Peter wanted to last forever. 

Then a snowball crashed into the side of his face, and Peter remembered that good things never last forever. 

“Abbie!” Harley cried indignantly, tearing himself from Peter’s arms to chase after his giggling little sister. “You little gremlin, come back here!”

Peter laughed as he chased after the both of them. “Good to see you too, cowgirl!” he cried, stopping to pick up a handful of snow in his mittened hands. 

Later, as everyone gathered in the penthouse’s living room to watch a Christmas movie, Peter placed himself in Harley’s arms as they sat surrounded by blankets on the floor. This, he thought, placing a tender kiss on Harley’s cheek, is my happy place. 

[tomsfoma]

The Meanest Thing I’ve Ever Done

I still consider my first real girlfriend to be Beth Ann Mabee. We dated the summer of my freshman year, and she was the first girl I ever French kissed. Still though, my first long-term relationship – and the girl to whom I lost my virginity – was Sadie Conners. Sadie and I had a tumultuous relationship that was based primarily on teenage hormones. During the year we were together, I shifted identities from athletic hockey player with class clown tendencies to full-blown reckless stoner. When we first met, Sadie was playing goalie for the varsity soccer team and I was playing right wing for the JV hockey team. By the time we broke up, she was still playing goalie for the varsity soccer team, and I was skipping class to smoke weed and steal cigarettes. Like most teenagers in relationships, we broke up here or there for a day or two and then got back together, making up with characteristic teenage passion. The final time we broke up though, felt different. It had the weight of ineffable finality. I knew there would be no making up that time. The final time we broke up was because of one of the meanest things I’ve ever done to anyone.

The summer before my junior year, my family was taking a week-long vacation at my parents' cottage in Canada. My dad’s side of the family has these four cottages all next door to one another on Lake Erie. At the end of this row of cottages, there’s another summer cottage that belongs to a family consisting of a mom, a dad, and two daughters. One daughter is around mine and my brother’s age and the other is my younger sister’s age. My father grew up with their father, and in a way, they’re like honorary family members. They’re just family members that we only see in summer — at the cottage.

On this particular trip, my friend Mike joined us. Of all the years we were best friends, he only came to the cottage a few times, but this one was memorable for two reasons. One: it was his first trip, and two: it was the origin of the awful deed that caused the end of my relationship with Sadie and left a permanent scar on mine and my brother’s relationship.

One sunny afternoon during the trip, Mike, myself, my brother, my sister, and the two honorary daughters were hanging around talking and goofing off. It was a relaxing day and the wind from the lake kept us cool and comfortable. We were sitting on a picnic table in the backyard, not far from the tree swing that hung from a giant oak tree. The two daughters had brought a makeup kit with them. It was a small, square pink box with metal edges and a metal handle. The boys were talking trash and the girls were painting their nails. At some point, the girls had the idea to put makeup on my brother. We all chased, caught, and pinned him down. Mike and I held him to the ground while the girls painted his face with blush and glitter and lip gloss and deep purple eye shadow.  Mike took pictures with his digital camera. My brother fought back, but only a little. He had a crush on the older honorary daughter, and I think he enjoyed the interaction with her.

Several months later, the magic of summer was wearing off and the reality of school was setting in. My brother was transferred from a public middle school to the Catholic high school that Mike and I were attending. The day before school started, my brother was boasting about how cool he was at his current middle school, and how nobody could embarrass him at that – or any – school. Mike and I fought hard to be cool, and it didn’t come naturally to us. We didn’t have a lot of friends, and we didn’t run with the popular crowd. My brother’s arrogance was an assault on our efforts, and we took his challenge to heart. We were two years older than him, but we were still just boys.

Mike had a good reputation with parents and teachers. Behind the scenes though, he had devious ideas. He just didn’t have the guts to execute them. That’s where I came in. I had a terrible reputation with parents and teachers. I didn’t care what adults thought of me as long as my peers thought I was funny or entertaining or cool.

The devious plan Mike had this time was to use the photo of my brother that we had taken at the cottage several months earlier. We were going to create a gay personal ad for him and post it around the school. It said homophobic things like “my favorite color is obvi purple,” “my favorite activities include watching men’s volleyball,” and “I enjoy Rice-a-Roni, but I’m the REAL San Francisco treat.”

We printed off dozens of copies the night before the first day of school. We arrived early the next morning and hung them up on lockers in every hallway, plastering them throughout the school in a huge clockwise motion. By the time we arrived back at the hallway we started in, the first ones we had hung up were gone.

The teachers had started taking them down as soon as they saw them. Between that and students grabbing copies to show their friends, the posters didn’t stay up for long. 

But they stayed up long enough.

I didn’t see my brother that morning. He was so embarrassed by the posters that almost as soon as he arrived at his new high school – to the scene of strangers laughing at him -- he turned around and decided to walk the five miles back home in the rain.

He didn’t get far.  Early into his journey, a beige 1992 Park Avenue pulled over and rolled down the window. “Ryan, what’s wrong? Do you need a ride home?” Sadie asked. He wiped the tears away from his beet-red face and nodded. When Sadie arrived to school later, she had words with me.

My immaturity had always been a point of contention with her, and this stunt was the final straw. Unforgivable was the word she used. Her voice was devoid of any anger. She had only contempt for me now.

I spent the rest of the day feeling like I had a ball of lead sitting in the pit of my stomach. When I got home, I asked to see my brother, but my parents said he didn’t want to see me. I told them I wanted to apologize, but they told me to leave him alone. I desperately needed to get rid of the anxiety and shame that beleaguered me, and I knew the only way to do that was to tell him how sorry I was.

Later that evening I walked into his room to find him lying face down on his bed, on top of his Notre Dame comforter, shoes still on, backpack lying on the floor next to his bed. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t realize what I was doing. It was stupid.” He didn’t respond. “Dude, I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I already got 4 weeks detention and I think I’ve got more punishment coming from school and mom and dad on top of it.” He remained silent.

“What can I do to make it up to you?”

“Go away,” he mumbled into his pillow.

“I’m sorry,” I said again, “I mean it.”

“I don’t forgive you,” he replied. I walked out of the room and shut his door behind me.

Days passed before he started talking to me again, and when he did it was with more restraint. Over the coming weeks and months, we started talking more freely, but things were never the same. Maybe it was because he was adjusting to high school and growing up. Maybe it was because I was going through my own shit, breaking up with girlfriends, getting arrested, getting suspended, getting in fights. Maybe we were just two very different people who happened to be raised in the same home, and we were inevitably going to grow apart anyway. Maybe the friendship we had as children was destined to die. Or maybe my unforgivable mistake killed it.

Later on, in his high school journey, my brother became one of the bona fide cool kids. He ended up attending the University of Michigan before moving on to Notre Dame law school. After graduation, he got a job at a prestigious law firm in Chicago and eventually moved on to an even more prestigious law firm, where he’s currently working today. Last time I checked anyway.

We don’t talk much anymore. When I do see him at the occasional wedding or funeral, we’re polite, and we talk to one another, but it doesn’t feel like I’m talking to my brother. It feels like I’m trying to make small talk with an ex-classmate.

Every once in awhile I think about him and the friendship we had as kids. Sometimes I miss the person I was when we had that friendship. The person I was before I rotted away and shed my sweeter self.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. Or if he’ll ever forgive me.