#these poses are probably the best i've done so far but they're going to be blurred in the background in the actual post

[thebramblewood]

Immortal emo man child experiences a rare moment of euphoria.

[seeds-of-life-daily]

Day 19

SEELE!Rei AU notes I wrote on the bus

If you've seen this account's post, you're probably aware of the SEELE!Rei AU that's been circulating in my brain. To those who are curious and like the concept, here are some tidbits and notes I've made about it under the read more !!! BRIEF EXPLANATION: This is an AU idea of what if Rei was raised by SEELE alongside Kaworu instead of by Gendo/NERV?

Having Rei and Kaworu as siblings would be pretty good for the both of them. Rei would have someone to relate to and be comfortable around. Kaworu would experience similar stuff too, and wouldn't be exclusively Shinji-centric, making them have a possibly healthier dynamic/relationship. Rei could also be a tad more self-expressive, since being raised by SEELE would rid her of all the conditioning* and restrictions* (by Gendo, at least) she went through in nge canon. That doesn't rid them of all their problems, though. As we know SEELE has a dummy system as well, meaning Rei would still view herself as expendable and question her identity and self (possibly even more, with now having much more information to go off of to analyze.) Poor Rei'll have to deal with another organization's instrumentality planning deal again :( Kaworu would still have to choose between Lilin and the Angels. He is still a (unnatural) progeny of Adam, after all. I don't think he would suffer any less dread and anxiety from that in this AU. Having Rei around would probably lean him more towards his decision of saving the Lilin, though. What fun to constantly have to battle your nature of returning to your angelmom/soul's body, amiright? Yeah. Having Rei in the custody of SEELE makes me think that it would be best that she wasn't a Yui clone. No more weird ulterior Yui motives!! That would pose the question of how did they come to exist then? Since the Katsuragi crew were the ones to be near Adam in Antarctica, what if another division was with Lilith a year or so later? This time they made another contact experiment with a vessel they manufactured specifically for this one. Just so happens that the one to be in charge of the design and name was our old pal Gendo... Bro can't let go of his dead wife obsession even in this AU :/ Yui's still totally dead btw. Right after Rei's "birth" too! She was still batshit insane and put her soul in Eva unit-01, but at least now Rei wasn't anywhere near NERV/GEHIRN. Rei gets unrestricted internet access. They share a room with their "twin" and have a cheap, creaky, bunk bed until they're 8, when both of them decide to split the room in half and bicker when Kaworu finds Rei's trash on his side of the room. This doesn't last too long, though, since when they turn 12, Rei gets sent for training at NERV, while Kaworu's goes two years later. ^^^^ I think about this moment a lot in the AU. Gendo basically just takes Rei to go pilot the Eva just because they look similar to Yui and had to leave her twin brother alone to deal with SEELE bullshit without anyone else to really talk to about it for 2 years.

Rei's design differs when not in school, having a light blue long skirt and a simple dress shirt with her school uniform's red ribbon. They also sport some bandaids, even before piloting! Mainly from clumsiness and accidents back when she was a small kid.

Kaworu's design is virtually the same, save for his orange belt, his black shoes with orange bottoms, and bandages on his arms. Having already been with SEELE in nge canon, I didn't want his design to differ too much.

So far that's all I've written down for now, but if I ever get close to done with this AU and have made it even slightly comprehensive then I'll probably post a huge lore-post about it. Thank you for reading !! :D

[secret-engima]

Any snippets or headcanon rambles for Calling for Rain? I’m sick and unable to sleep because of how stuffy my head is so I’d love to hear more about Yuriko and Iruka and Hayate’s genin days.

*kicks down door in the All Might Pose* I AM HERE WITH TEAM IRUKA SHENANIGANS FOR THINE AMUSEMENT AND RESTORED HEALTH. @a-world-in-grey

SO. Genin shenanigans with Team Iruka, or should I say *TEAM 7*. Because you just known I gotta distribute that cursed luck around a little. Besides that I feel like there's a very confusing and rapid cycle that the team numbers undergo, with numbers being available for reassignment either when a genin team graduates and separates or are wiped out, or if an intended team is failed by their sensei and sent back to Academy or into the corps. And so *really*, "Team 7" as a moniker by rights should be passed down at least once in between Kakashi's genin years and Naruto's. Probably more than once, considering the fanon that Team 7 has a Reputation™.

Their sensei is a civilian-born OC that I'm still working on the details of but so far I've decided that their sensei is a woman, who is small but mighty (and feral). Has sharp teeth that tends to be seen more often in those descended from the islands of Mist Country, but if you say that in her earshot you better be prepared for the consequences. I want her to have a special skillset but I'm still debating what kind. Anyway.

Like every Team 7, their first C-rank goes absolutely *pear shaped*, this may or may not have been the infamous Mission to Tea, but probably isn't? I cannot remember if I've state otherwise previously but my gut says that their first C-rank was likely something involving not so far afield. Like dealing with bandits bothering merchants in Land of Fire, or running supplies to some of the Konoha outpost towers dotted around the border. This is after the war mind you, so a supply running mission or a bandit dispersal should be a milk run.

I haven't hammered out exactly what happens, but I do know that things go hard south, be that an attack from rogue ninja or from bandits who are more skilled than a C-rank bargains for, and the genin get separated from their sensei in whatever chaos occurs, and during that, Hayate gets a lungful of something poisonous used by the attackers.

You might see where *that* is going down the line in his life.

Cue three kids, running around for at least a few *days*, possibly a week, separated from their sensei, green as grass and feral as wolf pups, trying to stay alive and also keep each other alive. Especially Hayate, who is not doing too hot. They end up running for the nearest village, hoping for a doctor, with Iruka and Yuriko trauma bonding very hard over keeping a wheezy, semi-conscious Hayate alive. The local village doctor *is* able to save Hayate's life, but not completely undo the damage that has been done, which is what leads to Hayate's chronic health/lung issues we see in the canon timeline. Despite his new wheezy condition, all three genin are able to rally and, using Yuriko's spiteful brain, Iruka's genius for traps, and Hayate's streak of common sense, they're able to essentially turn the entire village into a much more lethal version of Home Alone for the bad guys that come after them.

The leader of the bad guys who chased them probably gets through the traps and is Fully Ready for some mass villager and child soldier slaughter but that's about the second their sensei shows up, injured herself but having bested like- the entire rest of whatever group started this conflict, and mauls the guy. There's a lot of blood involved.

Taking Hayate *back* to Konoha to get looked at by medical shinobi is able to improve his condition somewhat, but by now only a healer on the level of Tsunade could fully cure him from the damage that's been done. For most genin, especially a sponsorless orphan genin like Hayate? That would be career ending. Very few jounin would want to deal with the added complications of a chronically ill genin, let alone sit back through the long recovery and rehab/adjustment period he needs to go through.

Hayate's sensei decks the first jounin that tells her to ditch the brat and either pick a new one out of Academy or throw the other two in the corps.

Hayate's team closes ranks around him, helping him through his adjustment period, and even helps getting him a sword master teacher, something he has always been interested in, but had thought impossible after his injury. His sword master, a fierce and elderly Uchiha woman, teaches him not only to master the blade, but to master his body and learn how to wring every drop of strength and lethality out of his new limits.

The team dynamic that formed in that hectic C-rank gets solidified and honed into something tight. Iruka is the trouble magnet, but also the trap master. Yuriko, who grew up in a wealthy merchant household, is the face of the group during anything that involve infiltration (the only time she bothers to use her etiquette lessons). Hayate, with his sword and health limits, is the backup (and often the braincell). Their sensei is basically there to haul their collective butts out of whatever fire Iruka set and forgot to arrange a way to put out. She also grills them on training, running them through team building exercises until they drop.

Some additional things now that I've done backstory building:

Iruka and Hayate have a very respectful and healthy fear of women thanks to their genin teammate and sensei. Arguably especially Yuriko, because they spent more than a few missions sharing a tent with her and know the power of her grudge holding abilities.

Iruka revenge pranks anyone who mocks Hayate for his health issues. *Anyone*. Anbu Hawk of that era had a very very very hard time explaining to his coworkers why his hair spontaneously turning fluorescent blue was totally his own life decision and not that he made the mistake of telling a genin with a cough to "know his limits" while in his chuunin identity and the genin's 14 year old teammate somehow stalked him to his apartment, dismantled his anbu grade security, and put an unremovable, scentless dye in his shampoo and now he has to wait for the dye'd hair to grow out enough to cut the colored part off.

Yuriko's parents were very :/ about her being put on a team with "mere orphans" instead of a clan kid because they already disapproved of her becoming a shinobi (but legally couldn't stop her), but at least if she was on a team with a clan boy there was a chance for marrying in. Yuriko took this as the sign to befriend her two orphan buddies and be the Most Ride Or Die Kunoichi Teammate to ever live. You might have noticed by this comment and the one in CfR about her becoming a genin corps member specifically to get disowned by them and realized she has Issues with her family. Like. Just in general. It's not just her parents. But that's a talk for another post probably.

Their chuunin exam took place in Kiri when Iruka was 16, not long after Iruka decided he wanted to become a chuunin teacher at Academy rather than a jounin (even though he had the potential to do so) which was basically fun trauma times for all. When their teacher told them they had basically been voluntold to go to the exams in Kiri rather than let any of the teams with important clan kids go, they all had a powwow about what they wanted out of this deathtrap of an assignment. Hayate wanted to be promoted to chuunin because he had his sights set on becoming a jounin sword master that would be eligible to take on an apprentice someday, Iruka wanted to be promoted so he could immediately sign up to be an Academy teacher.

Yuriko: I wanna wash out into the genin corps.

Iruka and Hayate, who know that of them Yuriko is actually the most terrifying when it comes to frontline combat: ... um.

Yuriko: my parents have been talking about arranging a marriage of suitable value once I make chuunin or jounin.

Her two friends: ...understandable, sounds like a plan.

You have no idea how many genin from other villages these three managed to terrify. No idea. And the confusion when Yuriko dropped out at the 3rd stage of 1 vs 1 matches was huge.

They were *probably* the only one of the three Konoha teams sent to survive? The other villages had similarly bad losses, one of them (Iwa or Suna maybe) potentially lost *all* the teams they sent. The three of them surviving an exam in Kiri should be far more of a warning flag of these three's skill in general than most people actually realize.

All three of them still hang out when they can, usually just hanging out in an apartment and chatting, but sometimes they spar and let loose, which is *hilarious* and chaotic when you consider their various specialties and that only Hayate officially has jounin rank.

Their sensei is still alive! And doing good all told. She may or may not have another group of brats following on her heels during the current part of CfR's timeline. She comes and checks in on her only Team 7 when she has time.

[carpisuns]

I just wanna say I have an old post of yours saved in my drafts, about being a beginner artist…. I look at it sometimes to give me perspective and reassurance. Thank you. It has inspired me to continue my hobby/passion even if I don’t get many notes rn. I improve and I see it! Thats all that matters. Thank you. I hope I can be that for someone someday.

oh wow 😭 this just warmed my heart—thank you for sharing with me. i don't know what post you're talking about specifically, but i'm so glad that something i said could give you a little extra boost sometimes<3

it's both cool and sort of embarrassing that this blog is a record of my entire art journey. i didn't start learning how to draw until i got into ML and joined tumblr again about 3.5 years ago, so it has my very earliest art as well as my most recent. the other day my sister and i went through my art tag and i was literally crying with laughter at some of those pieces alskjdf (particularly this one). they're sooo bad but they were my best work at the time! as much as i cringe to look at them now, it's nice to remember how far I've come. There are still so many things I struggle with and things i disappoint myself about, but that's normal because I am still growing. no one stops growing. the artists you look up to the most, whose work seems absolutely flawless to you, are still growing.

and YOU are growing too! whether you feel like you are or not. sometimes it takes looking back to realize it. i'm really glad you can see your improvement! honestly, that's a skill too! having a healthy mindset about your own development can take a lot of internal work so I'm really proud of you for that.

(i got very rambly so cut for the rest lol)

and honestly sometimes the improvement isn't even about what the art looks like—it can just be about how you feel about making it. I think one of my biggest improvements in the last year was getting comfortable with drawing and sharing things that are Bad and Ugly! for example:

the first one i drew 3 years ago, just a few months into learning how to draw. the second one i drew about a month ago. they both have obvious flaws and you could even argue that the old one is better drawn than the newer one. so it's like omg did i not improve at all after over 3 years?? did i actually get worse? lol. no! because a lot of the improvement is internal.

you'll notice that the first one was done in pencil and the second one is pen. it took me years to feel confident enough to sketch in pen because you can't erase! you have to commit to the lines! you can actually see tons of erase marks in the first one, but i didnt even use my white-erase tape at all on the second one. also, the first one is a screen redraw. i was just looking at the image and trying to replicate what i saw the best i can. the second one is new scenes/poses that came from my brain—not that they are very complicated/impressive lol, but there's a difference there. and what you can't see at all is just my attitude about drawing them! i can't particularly remember doing the first one but i guarantee i spent forever on it and was nervous about posting it. second one probably took me 7 mins and i knew it was ugly but i was zero percent embarrassed about that lol. that's progress baby!! cant even tell you how much of a difference it has made to me to let myself draw ugly things. i draw ugly things all the time. some of them get posted online. some of them get shared with one or two friends. some of them get shared with no one. and i've finally learned how to either embrace them as what they are or just shrug it off and go, "you know, this is not it! moving on." blank pages are so intimidating because you have a million opportunities to mess things up, but you also have a million opportunities to explore and learn and experiment and have fun and also to surprise yourself with what you're capable of.

i started out with nothing but a pencil and some powerful blorbo brainrot, and that was enough! that has been enough to power me through years of all the struggles and triumphs that artists go through. it was enough to help me push through every art block and keep drawing to the point that my instincts have improved and things that used to be almost impossible for me are just regular hard lol. i've actually illustrated for a print magazine a few times now, and a few weeks ago i finished my first animatic—which i always wanted to do but didn't have the skill or confidence for.

sorry this is so long, i'm just very passionate about this subject lol!! i just want every growing artist to know that if you keep trying and having fun, improvement is not only possible but inevitable. like, you don't even have to do formal studies if you don't want to. keep looking at art that you like and figuring out what is appealing to you. keep drawing what you feel like drawing. if you're no longer inspired by a piece or it's a little too tough for you right now, it's ok to drop it. you can come back later or never. you have infinite opportunities to make new and better art. and don't forget to give yourself credit for the progress you've already made. it's so hard not to compare yourself to others, and literally everyone—even the best and brightest—feels bad about their work sometimes. but try to compare yourself to your past self and pat yourself on the back for your improvement! it's okay to grow slowly, or in a way that's not so visible on the outside. just remember that you are growing, and you will only get better and better.

also, side note about notes/likes: i know it sucks to feel like your work is not getting attention when you poured a lot into it :( this might sound rich coming from me because i feel that people have been incredibly generous toward my work from the very beginning. but just know that popularity is not really about who "deserves" what, and it's not an accurate reflection of skill either. so if you feel unseen, that doesn't mean your stuff sucks. and you never know what your work might have meant to the people who saw it, even if there aren't that many. art doesn't have to be popular to be meaningful, and it doesn't have to be perfect either.

the world is a little richer and more beautiful because of the ways you are growing and the things you are sharing. so thank you, and please don't stop.

[likegemstone]

I have been in a really good groove with creating lately, and just with like "working" in general. In the past, creating has often involved a massive and constant mental wrestling match against myself—second guessing every decision, fighting through constant discouragement, rarely if ever feeling confident in what I'm working on, etc. Just all this emotional/mental exertion on top of the regular emotional/mental exertion that goes into making art.

But lately I have felt really in sync with myself—we're dancing instead of wrestling. I've been brave enough to try out new things that I've never done before (which is REALLY hard for me, like REALLY hard), and been able to notice and accept the areas of my work that I can see need improvement without beating myself up bc they aren't "good enough" yet. It has been really nice, and has shown me that, when I can care for and take responsibility for myself properly (which I now have the skills and tools to do thanks to a lot of inner work and also therapy), I can learn, grow, and improve pretty steadily, and without all the agony of that fucking exhausting wrestling match.

However.

I made a post recently about how I want to draw Daivad getting his ass kicked (and also kicking ass), right? That is in great part due to the fact that I was, at the time, rereading Kengan Asura/Kengan Omega (which is an MMA manga) and I was Very Inspired. And I still am. I've been gathering reference and inspo ever since then. And today I ran out of Haikyuu!! to watch so I was like okay now is the time—I want to draw some sick action scenes with Daivad.

But then. Here comes the anxiety. The overwhelm. The "there's no way you can pull off some sick action scenes—you can barely place characters in a scene and make it look legit, you want to try to do multiple characters interacting in a scene in extreme and dynamic poses?? no shot. and once you try and inevitably fail then you're going to be discouraged and start beating yourself up again and you'll ruin this momentum we've got going on."

So, this post is going to be me using those tools and skills I have now to work through this. Because I know I can. I've done it before.

First skill I'm going to be using: recognizing what exactly is triggering this anxiety, and figuring out a plan to care for the Part of me that's triggered. I want to ensure I'm making my decisions from Core, not from a triggered Part, and I also want to ensure I'm caring for those vulnerable Parts!

I think the thing that is making me feel so anxious and overwhelmed is because dynamic action scenes are so far out of my comfort zone and I haven't come up with a plan for connecting the dots of my current skill to Dynamic Action Scene Skill. It's a whole big leap, and that Part of me sees aaaaalllll of those, like dozens of really tricky dots that I have not mastered yet (perspective, composition, conveying movement, dynamic poses IN perspective, and so on) and is like "!!!!! HOLD UP THAT'S TOO MUCH I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT ALL AT ONCE. Trying to master all that stuff will take literal years and probably good money to pay for lessons from people who know wtf they're doing!!"

So, I'll care for that Part by saying: That's true! And it's okay! I'm not going to try to get the perfect action scene down right away, because you're right. Trying to force that would absolutely wreck our confidence and be really frustrating as well. And I appreciate the reminder that biting off more than I can chew can knock me back a few steps. Small bites are best sometimes.

Next skill, now that that Part has calmed down a lot and also feels steadied: coming up with a plan. I want to draw Daivad getting his ass kicked, but don't currently have the skills to pull off a whole Dynamic Action Scene yet. So how am I going to meet that desire/feed my inspiration (Daivad getting his ass kicked) while still protecting my Parts, challenging my skills, and caring for my mental health?

One dot at a time.

I could start with just breaking down some of my favorite panels from KA. Examining how Daromeon frames his scenes, how he works with perspective, how he conveys movement, etc. But specifically I want to see Daivad getting his ass kicked—so maybe I'll start with just one pose that feels doable for my skill level, use KA as reference for the pose and put Daivad in it, and since I have gotten decent at capturing his likeness, I can challenge myself to put an extreme expression on his face and still have him be recognizable. That's totally doable—it'll take time and work and lots of effort, but it's doable! And it will bring me one step closer to Dynamic Action Scene skill level!

Alright, now I'm feeling excited and fired up and also I have an exact pose in mind and I think I already have it saved somewhere, so I am off to draw Daivad, Bloody and In Pain. Wish me luck y'all!

[fundielicious-simblr]

(Valentina's POV)

As the year draws to the close, we're really focusing in on getting everything done in time to usher in the spring. The kids have been diligent in caring for the chores as well as getting their school work done before they get the last 10 days of the year off. They then use those days playing out in the snow, or visiting with their Nana and Papa Townsend.

These two have definitely put me through my paces! Adele and Abigail have definitely made my last experience having infants definitely a worthwhile one. They're so little but everyday we learn new things about them, and one big thing is that they're personalities are night and day. One loves to be held whereas another hates being put down, one loves naptime and another takes ages to go down for a nap. They've been successfully hitting their milestones, and i've been filling the family group chat with little pictures and videos of them. Whilst I'm happy with our decision that these are our last 2 kids

The differences between the girls really shine through at nap time, this is where Eric and I tag team in order to get them both down successfully - especially at night when it's most important for them to sleep through the night (or at least try). Abigail goes down a lot easier than Adele, and it just so happens that Abigail is a mama's girl with Adele being a daddy's girl, so we grab an infant each and get to work.

Having two toddlers in addition to having two infants has definitely shaped up to be quite the learning curve for us. Eric and I have always been a good team, but we've really learnt the value of working together if there's going to be function - especially at bedtime. The girls will soon be toddling all over the place, meaning 4 children in diapers if we don't get to work and potty train them.

Speaking of potty training, I can't wait for the days when diaper blowouts are far in the past. They seem to come at the worst possible time, usually in the middle of the night. The girls love the baths that come with blowouts, the baby giggles are music to my ears, they help me forget the fact that we're both covered in all kinds of mess.

(AN: My infants refuse to pose, so I'm probably going to keep using that toddler body mod whenever I need them for pictures. I have no idea what is causing them to refuse to post, I follow the instructions but nothing materialises.)

Christmas is just the best time. One thing Eric and I agreed we wanted to do was do something advent focused during the days leading up to christmas, growing up we used to sing a christmas hymn every night for the 24 days leading up to christmas during our nightly family devotions. Eric and his family just did christmas focused devotions for the week leading up to Christmas. With our family, I found this company that makes scripture themed advent calendars, so each night we've been sitting down with the kids and opening up the number for the day. There's a little scripture inside and a little christmas themed toy, and all the difference pieces can be assembled to make up the nativity scene on christmas day. So far the Aria and Ansel are the only kids that we let interact with the advent calendar and all the small bits, we keep the toddlers and infants engaged with other larger toys in the meantime and they're in bed soon afterwards to give the older kids time to play undisrupted. We really enjoyed church this christmas, we go to the same church as Eric's parents, so the kids get Christmas with Nana and Papa. We spend new years with Eric's parents, the kids play and we do a mini celebration with them earlier in the night so they can go to bed and leave the adults to chat.

[takeariskao3]

Good morning! I have 3 more song suggestion for you. I'll do my best to explain why I think these songs are fitting for tpfy, but the lyrics will probably convey it far better than I ever could.

Only Pieces of the Truth by Jordan Hart - Harry and Ginny are both haunted by their inner demons and want to reach out to one another, but they are afraid of burdening one another with their challenges. They grow apart, but because they are unable to share their love with anyone else, they inadvertently keep it in the hope that one day they will finally show it to each other.

Freedom by Jordan Hart - Harry and Ginny are trying to break free from their past and fear their presence poses a threat to each other. The more time they spend together at Grimmauld Place, the more they realise that being together is the missing piece to their happiness. (The music video is also beautiful.)

Whole by Jordan Hart - This is one of my favourite songs because it’s so poetic, and the lyrics were perfectly fitting with what you were attempting to portray in tpfy with Harry and Ginny’s love. It’s about two lovers who not only attempt to mend each other with their love but also demonstrate to one another that they are capable of mending themselves and stronger than they believe. They fall deeper in love with each other as they see each other battle and defeat the demons that live in their heads. The void inside Harry and Ginny's hearts is "whole" when they converse, let go of the past, and truly accept their love for one another. They create their own love story, which isn't a "common" love story, but that's what makes it even more beautiful since, for the first time, they feel in control and are writing their own narrative.

This probably makes me sound mad, but oh well! 😅

AVALYNN

omg ok i've never heard of jordan hart or listened to any of his songs before now but hoLY CRAP i am hooked. he's like my exact fav genre and these songs are LIT!

And when I stumble home I'm all messed up Starring at your door I'll never knock Time wasted, without you And I know I'm holding all the cards Wishing you could see inside my bones 'cuz I saved you a whole lot of love

LIKE HELPPPP??? harry having so much hidden inside that he never acts on or lets show! but if ginny could just a glimpse of all of it she'd see she's been filling in the blanks all wrong

I want to hold your eyes Keep my heart on the table Sometimes what’s in my mind doesn’t show on my face though I want to fortify without fossilizing Redefine all the people I’ve been Breathe inside each moment I’m in And walk into a new horizon I’m trying to find my freedom Freedom

AND THEN THEY'RE BOTH DONE LETTING THEIR PAST AND WHAT HAPPENED DEFINE THEM. THEY GET TO CHOOSE WHO THEY ARE GOING TO BE NOW. NO MORE DROWING!!

Blur the edges of the world you know Fall into me, let the spaces close Whole, whole Tie them up All of your broken chords Cut by another's words It's time to let it go And fill your cup Don't give away too much It's give and take with us And here is home Once a silhouette of all you are Now the vacancy inside my heart Is whole, whole

but this song. THIS SONG. i'm actually yelling. like this gave me goosebumps

thank you for these recs! they are going to get me through the rest of this week. i can feel it!

[joseshmoe82]

5 posts!

Rub them 5 points on your chest all stalker gonna do is take that too cuz he's been all up in my phone hacked it all up I don't even get a fuck I haven't got a phone call from anybody in like months so how the fuck do you do it you really go out your way just to get my information you know now that's a real piece of shit do anything just to find out or what you're doing don't even think about you posing as a brod lol that why ì do live chat cuz that's only place you find real cuz this nigga doing the most to ruin me you can't fuck of what's all ready ruin or even give a fuck about drama cuz I don't me posting this is your drama cuz your bicth ass set me off but I feel better that I said something cuzz on real nigga shit like real real nigga shit I have miss treated females in my past cuz I was soooo selfish useto be but I had to learn late what's you excuse I'm done I'm going to talk more shit but I can fuck it really tear you apart right now on how I really feel about situation but you know what what goes around will come around cuz I'm not the same person thanks to you cuz I mistreated women I mean I used to be mean to him I'd hit slap I mean like I said I've done everything in the book Plus and I am very sorry for all that I'm even sorry for even me and you and taking your word on how solid you are a person you're not solid and the money you gave me it wasn't a lot of money to wipe my ass with that shit I ain't going to talk shit cuz I can fucking tell you apart dude because you can probably sit there and say one story dude you can it's not even that homie yeah I'm sure you make some money bro you know since you're hacking my phone and everything and I got groups and stuff and I made no money cuz your bitch ass is hacking my phone leave my shit alone and please don't make me please bro I'll not asking for I don't want no fucking problems I will see you I will see you you might be in a car with your homies and not be by myself but you know what I'll box all y'all line that shit up and like I said with all due respect please leave my shit alone no I didn't want to take care of this bro and turn my phones in because like but you know what no I don't do this I wouldn't do that to you a lot of fucked up things in my life I regret maybe half of them cuz what goes around comes around I'll show you bro just leave me the fuck alone are ways bro far far away you think you're real fucking funny you're pretty fucking funny dude I am mad at you disappointed definitely but I don't hate you don't hate me because you're a begging me and fucking literally on your fucking knees begging me sick fuck just leave me alone I need my shit alone or I will for real dog I ain't even going to say that shit just leave me the fuck alone and leave my shit alone and if you keep stealing for me all this shit even hacking on my ass do you know you made a chunk too if you don't love your best bet is just a stopped you cuz if it doesn't stop bro to talk shit to all them niggas out there in the streets they ain't my homies they're not my friends I sold them love some respect because that's the way it's supposed to be done I got to bless the land first and that's exactly what I do cuz it will come back and a lot of other people know I'm good peoples i got this drug fuck me up please leave me alone and you need to look at yourself in the mirror and use it to find yourself because you think that you got bread people jump for you nah not me not me not me maybe people who don't know no better they're going to try and burn you and all sorts of shit but I've never stolen anything from you I've never took it nothing from you and I've always asked you first so I'm not the bad guy here dude and you got me hot as bitch you already know I'll be out there I'll be around come talk to me bro one on one you know just come talk to me come holler at me real quick come out today I'll be out there I ain't mad at you homie I promise you I'm not holler at me cuz you get no points they're all negatives

[astraskylark]

Can we talk about Weiss in V8 chapter 13? Can we talk about how amazing she was in that episode despite all the batshit crazy insane shit happening around? Like it starts out with a full on Team RWBY Vs Cinder battle royale.

Weiss is literally never still even for a second here. She's clearly learned from Volume 5 that staying still in battle for a fighter with her attack type is a bad decision so she's constantly moving over here appearing on all sides in a matter of seconds while keeping the movements of her teammates in mind as well.

She's literally mid fight here half through zooming across the battlefield after an attack and she's already setting up a glyph to boost Blake up so she can attack Cinder keeping the momentum of the fight going in the split second she needs to move across.

Weiss's fighting style often leans to support and a series of attacks rather than one heavy blow. And support is probably the most complicated role to play in a fight.

It's all about insane mid battle calculation. She has to keep track of her team's movements to perfectly time her glyphs (also deciding what type of glyph based how her teammates are moving and their surroundings) and HOW EXHAUSTING IS THAT??? Because she not only has to keep track of the opponent's movement but she's also keeping her eye on three other people who are in continuing motion looking for any gap she can offer support in??? While constantly moving on the field and launching her own attacks in tandem with the others???

The minute Ruby is falling back Weiss is already pelting ice picks at Cinder. And okay mad props to Cinder because this entire attack sequences from RWBY was hardcore and Cinder managed to dodge it all. And back to Weiss.

So we have this insane battle where everyone is mentally exhausted and then we have Neo attacking Ruby and Yang falling into the void. And I've seen a lot of people shitting on how Ruby and Weiss didn't react fast enough and let me just say they acted exactly how you'd expect them too.

I don't have the pic here cause Tumblr has a limit but if you remember the split screen showing Ruby,Weiss, Blake and Neo we can all see Blake already starts moving. Ruby starts getting attacked by a feral Neo a second later and has no time to even process any event(a running theme this volume Rubes your breakdown is coming).

Now here Weiss starts moving a literal second later. And now remember this is Weiss, master of mid fight distance calculation.

The minute Weiss turned and saw Blake she knew. She knew that judging from how fast Yang fell of the ledge and how fast Blake moved the only person who had a sliver of a chance of saving Yang was Blake. She knew she would be a second late if she tried. She knew that summoning a glyph in the event of Blake missing would be no use because she's done the math in that heated second of fear and anguish and knows that she will be too late.

Which is why Weiss Schnee master of logic and cool headedness in the battle field and emotional wellbeing off the battlefield knew what would happen a second later. She knows Yang. Weiss was the first person we've ever seen Yang be vulnerable around. And I bet the reason Weiss was so sure Blake would find her way back to them is because Weiss and Blake are alot more similar than you think. So Weiss knows. She knows the Blake Belladona would not hesitate for a second to jump into the literal unknown for Yang.

She would too. But they're in the middle of battle and Ruby is being attacked and thousands of Atlas and Mantle citizens are in the middle of a space that shouldn't exist and she knows despite how she wants too she cannot jump. And she cannot let Blake jump either because she cannot and will not lose another member of her family today. And she immediately pulls Blake literally dragging her from the surface(and this is no easy feat because we know how crazy swol Blake is and adding that with mad grief Blake is basically the strongest most impulsive person in that space right now) and you can see from that single frame that Weiss herself is so close to tears but she has to hold it together for Blake. For Yang. For Ruby.

And once Blake takes off in a rage she knows that Cinder is left with no one to fight her. And Weiss (who is probably a little traumatised after having been stabbed and almost dying because of her) she immediately faces Cinder and Weiss is frantically dodging because remember Cinder was able to take on all four of them with barely a scratch and now Weiss is facing her alone.

And I also love this because it seems like Weiss is just zig zagging her way in a frenzy but she's trying to make herself really difficult to target here. You know how they say to run zig zag when your being chased by an animal right? That's what she's doing here. She's stays in a position for just enough time for Cinder to shoot her fire and then immediately takes off in a tangent making cinder have to spend a split second trying to reorient her attack cause all her attacks shoot in a straight direction.

I included this picture because she looks so fucking cool here. She literally fights fire with FIRE and I love her stance and pose and if you've actually read this far you can kinda guess I love everything about her.

And now we see her skating up. Because she knows the advantage and how being in a higher position can help. She needs to get to higher ground. And I'd like to highlight that Weiss only takes this pathway cause at that moment it is completely empty. She assumed that people had already finished evacuating from there which is why she chose that place. But it turned out that particular door was one for Atlas and Atleasians were alot more hesitant to use the gates than people from Mantle which is why there are people still there(this might also have been a convenient plot narrative to make Jaune aware that Cinder was here, who knows we shall see)

She uses her gravity glyph to try and hinder the airborne higher ground advantage that Cinder has. And it works. Cinder is momentarily focussed on Weiss allowing Penny to regain her stance and figure out her weapon situation.

And then an Atleasian steps out and Weiss realises in a matter of milliseconds that shit she has to protect them.

And if you notice Cinder is imitating Weiss's attack here. Weiss attacked Cinder with the same Ice pick move 5 minutes ago. And Weiss has to protect herself and the now emerging Atlas citizens. And I love how it's shown that she doesn't have the time to fully summon her Knight so only summons the arm and blade and protects everyone from actually getting hurt. Also I don't know if this the first time we've seen the summoning glyph for the knight in this angle but it is absolutely gorgeous and I really want to see what the Nevermore one looks like.

And I ran out pictures but Cinder literally tosses Weiss over the edge and the only thing stopping Weiss from certain fall in the void is her own gravity glyph which she is maintaining after all of the stuff I mentioned before.

I mean we know that Weiss has the lowest stamina of the team and the role that takes up the most energy. And she's still standing and she still going to fight in the next episode.

I just-- GODS Weiss Schnee is an absolute legend and possibly the best ally to have on the battlefield. She's is a super skilled ,level headed and versatile fighter whose constant presence and observations in the battlefield are such an asset and I wouldn't be far off in saying that she's probably the smartest fighter after Ruby and there's a reason they're partners because for every wacky absolute bonkers plan Ruby has, Weiss will be there to build the foundation to launch off from. And I cannot wait to see her learn and grow even more.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Based on the new portrait of the characters, how tall do u think each of the main ones are, looks like Sophie’s the shortest, i thought marella was but she grew apparently :)

[ID: An anonymous ask reading, "main height headcanons based on the new portrait?" /End ID.]

(i'm combining these because they're very similar!! hope that's alright)

okay so as of answering this the portrait is no longer new, but! in case anyone hasn't seen it yet here is a link to the portrait on Shannon's Instagram.

This one is a little tough because as far as I can remember, there have never been any numbers given to describe anyone's heights, just a few comparison's between people. so before I do any numbers or headcanons I'm just going to look over the whole thing to kind of get a sense of where people are in relation to each other.

It looks like the shortest is actually Maruca in this drawing! but only by a very very small amount. Her hairstyle gives her the illusion of height because it rises above her head, but looking at where her head actually is she's slightly shorter than the next shortest.

The next shortest two appear to be Sophie and Linh, who are close enough in height that I'm not going to bother trying to determine exactly which one is taller right now (Linh does appear taller when you look at the heads but she's also standing further back). They've got about the same posture as well so I'd put them at nearly identical in height. I changed my mind I am going to bother; Linh seems to be fractionally shorter than Sophie, but still close enough it doesn't really matter.

I'd say Marella is next in height, but it's a very small amount. Hers is actually a little trickier to tell because she's standing in a pose that makes her look shorter than she in (her hips are tilted along with her head), but she seems about the same as Linh and Sophie, just a tiny bit taller.

After Marella is Jensi, who isn't a lot taller than her but it's not as small of an amount as all the other's have been. And right after him is Tam. The two of them are actually very close in height in this portrait, though Tam is clearly taller. His feet are also spread further apart, which probably actually puts him a little close to the next character than to Jensi.

Then it's Biana! She's nearly tied with Dex in this drawing, but alas the hair once again gives the illusion of a little height she doesn't have. Then again she too has a pose where her weight is shifted, so it might bump her up a little bit to actually match Dex. And as already said, Dex is after her in terms of height, but only by a little in this portrait.

After Dex it's Wylie, Keefe, and Stina, who are pretty close but because of the way their feet are positioned it's a little hard to tell exactly who is taller. But they're close enough it shouldn't really matter. I think it might be Keefe, Wylie, then Stina (with Stina as the tallest) but I'm not sure.

And finally!! Fitz! He's the tallest without competition. Someone take out his legs he shouldn't be this tall /j.

Okay! So now that I've laid out all their height in comparison to each other and have a sense for how close their heights are, I'm gonna offer a possible set of numbers (in order). this is done in feet and inches as I am, despite my best wishes, American

Maruca: 5'1"

Sophie: 5'2"

Linh: 5'2.5"

Marella: 5'4"

Jensi: 5'6"

Tam: 5'7"

Biana: 5'9"

Dex: 5'11"

Wylie: 6'

Keefe: 6'

Stina: 6'1"

Fitz: 6'3"

I do not know if this is the information you wanted, but now you have it! If there's something else you'd like me to look at with the new portrait, I'd be more than happy to! I got a little carried away with the numbers, but it was fun for me at least!!

also: these height headcanons are based exclusively on the portrait. I actually measured them all in relation to each other from the position of their heels to the top of their head and then compared those. There may be information in the books that directly contradict the order I've put them in, but that's because for these numbers all I looked at was the one piece of art I linked at the top of the post.

That being said...fanfic writers (those who write ships), please do enjoy!! There are definitely some fun height differences to play around with if you use these numbers.

And thank you for the prompt. again, if there's something else about the heights you want to talk about all you need to do is ask!!

[yandere-wishes]

How the Original Villains Act With Their Twisted Wonderland Counterparts

Anon asked: Can the Twisted Wonderland dorm leaders interact with their Disney villain counterparts? I feel like it'd be really funny.

Anon you picked the worst freaking person on earth to send this ask too! Literally, the only thing I've been thinking about (okay not the only thing but you get the idea) since twisted wonderland came out has been "What if they meet their Disney counterparts??" And oh god the situation's I've come up with. Bear with me most of these are angst and fluff with yandere themes sprinkled in there. 

I feel like the villains would see themselves in their TW counterparts and become oddly passive over them wanting to give them the lives they were robbed of! They may be evil, but they feel genuine sympathy for these poor children where cursed from the day they were born! What sin have they committed to be given a life as rotten as this? No matter which villain it is they will try desperately to protect their counterparts from any and everything!

The queen of hearts isn't the best at this "motherly" role that she's tried to take up. She knows from horrific personal experiences just how traumatizing parents can be and how their views of the child can bleed into the poor kid's brain. This is the main reason she tries so dame hard not to lose his hair-thin patience with Riddle and to her surprise, the young redhead seems to be the only person to understand her, the only person that realizes just how important her rules are! He's the perfect child in her opinion, heck the perfect person! Riddle can practically finish her sentences! In a twisted (get it?) turn of events, The queen of hearts starts to morph into such a supportive soccer mom. Riddle gets a low grade on a test? Well, it's off with that obtuse professor's head! Riddle falls in love with someone? Well, she'll personally ask them out on a date for her "son". Riddle becomes obsessed with a cute little darling? Oh, how fun it'll be to stay up all night and plan the perfect kidnapping with her beloved child! From an outside perspective, it may seem like the queen is suffocating Riddle but really she's letting him be who he is, a better him even and most importantly she's supporting him! I just feel bad for Riddle's future darling cause not only will she have the aggressive Rosehearts to deal with but also a tyrannical "mother in law" too. 

Now Scar (imagine him as a human with animal features) is a rather complex character when you dive into the roots of his personality. Sure we're all meant to think he's a backstabbing murderer but there's something more to him than that. More then anything in the goddamn world Scar wants to fit in with people who understand his pain, who understand his motives. People he can bond with and maybe even have an intellectual conversation with! Leona fits that description to a tee. Not only has the boy gone through every inch of pain that Scar has, from being shunned and detested just for being born the way he was to have what's rightfully yours stripped from your time and time again! As an added bonus Leona is smart, unmotivated, and shares Scar's determination in the very view things he sees worth his time. He's like the son Scar never had! In time Scar might even warm up to both Ruggie and Jack, sure the hyena boy reminds him of his murderers and the Jackal (wolf idk) is far too headstrong but there is a certain potential inside the two young carnivorous. In due time Scar will become the most overprotective Father for his three "sons". Okay maybe not overprotective, I doubt he would care if either of the three failed a subject or got expelled or anything like that. But if they got hurt during a fight or maybe fell in love with an oblivious little herbivore? Well, then Scar is going to actually leave behind his meal and forget about his afternoon nap and find some way to help.  It can be as simple as beating up whoever hurt one of his sons or it could be teaching his kids how to stalk their little “prey”.

Okay so right off the bat Ursula is going to be super impressed with everything Azul has done. Signing contracts to take people's powers? Owning two successful businesses? What more could a mother ask for from her son? Ursula will no doubt be that parent that cancels plans just to spend "mother-son" time and who knows every little thing that's going on with her child.  She knows who Azul has a crush on, who he's dating, heck Ursula probably tricked Azul's darling into signing a contract that was really a marriage certificate. Also in a way she even subconsciously adopts the twins and ends up having to constantly get Floyd out for trouble with his professors!

Do you know that mom that's basically a teenage girl at heart, knows all the latest gossips and never shuts up about how proud she is of her son? Yeah, that's the evil queen. She and Vil are as close as anyone could get! They constantly go out shopping, go to beauty parlors and nail salons, they're always gossiping and spreading rumors about everyone! Not to mention that when she with the other OG Villains (*cough* turned parents *cough*) she's constantly bragging about how "her Vil got all A+'s on his chemistry finals!" Or how "Vil made an apple based skin moisturizer that eliminates wrinkles!" if the villains ever had meetings 90% of the time would be spent on the evil queen gloating about her new "son". Now her relationship with Rook and Epel is a bit strained, the evil queen disapproves of Epel trying to act tough and rowdy but lets it slip since "he's still just a little boy". She even takes time out of her "busy" schedule to do some apple carving with her youngest son. Secretly she and Eple have carvings of Rook, Vil, and themselves which the evil queen keeps on a shelf in her room. Now the queen and Rook's relationship can be summed up like this.

Rook, T-posing in the hallways: Good morning your majesty

The evil queen, not even looking up from her hand mirror: Good morning, problem child.

The worst part about having the evil queen as a mother is that, no one is good enough for her children. She has to personally pick out her children's darlings. They must be the most beautiful people, whose beauty pales in comparison to hers and Vil's.

This is a topic that I love talking about! And really wish others would part take in the discussion! Let me know what you guys think, would the og villains be good parents, bad parents, maybe they wouldn't even like their counterparts. And totally let me know if you have any ideas for the other three dorm leaders!

[inspired-by-the-music]

For You: 4 O’Clock

Taglist: @jineunwootrash​ @jamies-kpop-reactions​

Chapter 15: Our Story

The mere seconds that Mom spent staring at me and Taemin, slackjawed in the doorway, might as well have lasted forever.

I think we wouldn't have looked half as guilty if we hadn't flinched lightyears apart from each other at her gasp, but it was our instinct to run and hide. As it turns out, we didn't melt or fade in the light of discovery, but we certainly did burn.

"Oops!" Mom almost giggled as she tiptoed back into the hallway and closed the door with a soft click. Like she had done something wrong, she apologized. "I'm sorry! Lei, I just came to tell you that dinner is ready. Come down whenever you get hungry!"

Before I could speak even in a timid squeak of a voice, I heard Mom's footsteps retreat down the stairs. Because tense silence had fallen over my room, I heard Donghae ask, "Where's Lei? Is she okay?"

And I heard Heechul say, "She's not curled up in bed with her radio crying her eyes out to SHINee again, is she? I thought we were past that phase!"

I went red in the face because I had certainly grown a bit past that phase, but only because I had Taemin— the real-life person— to curl up with. Thinking only that Taemin was a million times more comforting than any CD had ever been-- and that's really saying something since you know well that music was my best friend before Lucas— I glanced at him.

From the foot of the bed where he had tucked himself into a humiliated ball, Taemin sprang to his feet and started pacing around in the dark.

"Oh my God," he wheezed, nearly tripping over his shoes. "She caught us. Your mother— my manager— caught me in your room. She caught us kissing. She caught us kissing in your room. She caught me kissing you on your bed in your room. She caught me whispering into your mouth that I love you on your bed in the dark in your room."

I had been flustered before Taemin became a human embodiment of anxiety. A fact about me: I strive for balance in almost every situation. If somebody (take Lucas for example) is bouncing off the walls, I will sit perfectly still. If somebody is frowning, I am trying to make them smile, even if it's the briefest, dimmest sort of smile. If somebody (like Taemin was that night) is in a panic, I am level-headed.

So when Taemin tugged at his hair, whining, "She's going to kill me. And if she doesn't kill me, she'll make me break up with you, and then that's gonna kill me. Shit, shit, shit."

"She is not going to kill you," I said confidently because I knew Mom like the back of my hand. Granted, I didn't know every detail of her life before me, but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn't angry. Mom never apologizes when she isn't sorry. She never apologizes when she's mad.

I was kind of joking when I said, "If she wanted to kill you, she would have sent Heechul and Donghae flying up the stairs, and—”

"Shit!" Taemin hissed. Profanities didn't suit him. "Super Junior is going to kill me!"

Slightly wavering in confidence, I assured him, "No, they're not. Mom isn't going to say anything to Super Junior."

Besides, I rationalized to myself, Yesung, who would have posed the biggest threat to Taemin's life, already knew that we were together. If Yesung didn't kill Taemin at the Christmas party, I figured that we were in the clear.

If Taemin hadn't been pacing so quickly, I might have tried to catch him in my arms to kiss his worries away as he had done for me. Given that kissing had led to this tension, though, he might not have appreciated the affection. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't try to kiss him.

Taemin collapsed onto the edge of the bed and buried his face into his hands. When moments passed in silence, I took the chance to say, "She won't make us break up either, Taem. She just-- she was probably just shocked because she didn't know you were here. On top of that, she has always thought that Lucas and I are a thing, so—”

Into his palms, Taemin groaned, "She probably thinks you're cheating on Lucas with me or something! That makes everything a billion times worse!"

"It's more likely that she just realized that Lucas and I were never together. I mean, I've told her often enough that the message was bound to sink in sooner or later." After pulling Taemin's hands away from his face, I laced our fingers together. I gave both hands a gentle squeeze. "I get that this isn't how we wanted Mom to find out about us, but she had to find out somehow."

To tell you the truth, I was relieved that she found out in this private aspect of life and not through a tabloid expose.

"I know that you wanted to keep this-- us-- a secret so we could be roommates on tour, but we couldn't hide in the dark forever."

And to tell you the truth, I didn't want to. I wasn't eager to pen some press release or anything, but I think I was outgrowing that compulsion, that dependence on secrecy and shadows; they didn't comfort me anymore.

From everything that happened over those past few months, I learned that secrets are damning. At least in my own home, I wanted to live openly and honestly. Maybe Mom's unexpected discovery made that possible.

Stunned by my lack of humiliation, slackjawed because, for the first time, Taemin was embarrassed while I was not, I realized out loud, "I think— I think I'm glad that she found out." Drawing a deep breath, the kind that makes you realize that you've been holding your breath for far too long, I admitted, "I think— I think I've wanted her to know for a long time. Maybe forever."

Silence ensued as Taemin breathed heavily. Deeply. Inhale, count to ten. Exhale, count to ten.

My mouth opened, probably to explain that I nearly told Mom all about us on the drive to Grandma's house on my debut anniversary, but Taemin's stare took my voice away. He blinked at me. The spark in his eyes made me think that he wanted to smile at me. In hindsight, I guess he didn't. Taemin always smiled whenever he wanted to smile, and he didn't offer me the smallest grin for the rest of the night.

"I have to go," he breathed before stepping into his shoes.

That deep breath I had just drawn passed through my lips all at once. I said the wrong thing. There is nothing worse than when the truth— the full and absolute truth that rings in the deepest part of your heart— is the wrong thing to say. How can anyone regret telling the truth? How can anybody want to snatch the truth out of the air once it has been released?

"O-okay."

My stutter did not pass unnoticed despite my efforts to hide it with a smile. Taemin sat back by my side, took my face into his warm hands, and pecked at my lips. The kiss was over before I even realized it was happening.

"I love you, baby," Taemin promised. I swooned less at the affirmation of what I already knew and more at the variation of his name for me. He tucked some hair behind my ear. "Go down to dinner, and I'll talk to you later."

Rising to my feet in time with him, I said, "I love you too. Forever, Taemin."

Because I didn't want to watch him scramble out of the window, because I was at great risk of begging him to stay for dinner with Mom and Donghae and Heechul and Lucas— my family— to once and for all drag our remaining secrets into the light, I walked away. From the vanity, I grabbed the old photograph that I had yet to return to Donghae. I don't think I closed the door behind me on my way out of the room.

I tiptoed down the stairs, quietly hoping that Taemin would follow. Or maybe I was hoping that I would return from dinner to find him waiting on my bed with open arms. In the end, I was disappointed, but I didn't feel like a fool for daring to hope.

. . .

It turned out that Lucas's description of the rivalry between Donghae and Heechul was not all that dramatized.

Sandwiched between the two men at the dining room table, Mom looked nothing like the fairytale queen I imagined she would become in her happy ending. The squabbling must have gotten under her skin, etched those lines into her forehead, weighed down on the corners of her lips, and sharpened the glare she hurled at Heechul for a (probably offensive) comment that I hadn't heard over my thoughts as I reached the foot of the stairs.

"Lei!" Lucas cheered, pumping two fists into the air, because he was no longer alone with the adults. "Where've ya been?"

I couldn't narrow or roll my eyes at Lucas. He had no way to know that I had been kissing Taemin all day. He didn't have any clue that Mom just walked in on the most intimate moment of my life.

Blushing slightly under everybody's stare— smiling only because Moms smiled first and reminded me that everything was okay— I hummed, "I was just counting the stars."

As I sat in the seat next to Lucas and across from Donghae, I sat the picture frame onto the table. I met Donghae's gentle gaze and nodded. "I believe this belongs to you."

"I believe it does!" Donghae beamed and took the photograph into his hands. "Is this a new frame?" He asked as his thumb traced along the infinity symbol.

"Yep!" I omitted the fact that I had broken the original frame on that night I peeled his poster off the wall. "I— I hope you like it." I would have bashfully dropped my gaze onto the table if Donghae were the kind of person anyone could look away from. He looks right through the soul, you know, and I was finally comfortable with that.

While he untied one of the white threads around his wrist, Donghae swore, "I love it, Lei!" He motioned for me to hold out my wrist.

I watched, smiling, as Donghae knotted the infinity bracelet for me. All I could think about was my ribbon around Taemin's wrist. All I could think was that Donghae's thread bracelet was a ribbon too. We were tied together. Soulmates. Forever.

Then, my eyes were drawn to his red thread ribbon. Mom wore-- wears— one identical to that. They were tied together too. Soulmates. Forever.

So don't fault me for disagreeing with Taemin's belief that everything was falling apart with Mom's discovery of our kiss. It was clear for anybody to see (if they knew where to look) that happiness wasn't contingent upon the idea that everything will be okay. Everything was okay. Everything is okay. Happiness had arrived.

Except it wasn't happiness. The warmth spreading through my chest and painting life-- which had gone from dull shades of gray to pale hues with Lucas to sporadic brilliant bursts of color in the night with Taemin— was named joy. I read once that joy is forever, and I believed it then, and I believe it still. So, for the first time in a long time, as I looked at Donghae and Donghae looked back at me, I was not afraid for the sun to rise. I was not anxious because the sun had risen.

"It's not fair!" Heechul shrieked, pounding his fists on the table. "I practically live here, and the girl still favors Donghae!" Staring at me so intently that I thought his eyes might pop out of his head, Heechul demanded, "How come we never exchange gifts at the table, huh? I've been crashing on that couch for however many years, and you've never given me so much as a high-five!"

I raised my hands in total sincere surrender. "Look, I'm not picking favorites. I love you both. And if you start getting annoying and demanding me to pick favorites-- well-- let's not get into this again."

Donghae pouted into his glass of water. "You mean Yesung is still your favorite?"

And Heechul groaned at the ceiling, "Why am I not surprised?"

And Lucas chirped, "You gotta love Lei's unfailing loyalty!"

As I started forking through my dinner-- a salad because a.) my mouth was entirely too sensitive to the spicy noodles everyone else could slurp without watering in the eyes, and b.) I was trying yet another diet-- Mom caught my eye. She was watching me, smiling knowingly, determined to see me blush.

Uninterested in attracting any of the boys' attention, I subtly raised my eyebrows, trusting that Mom wouldn't say anything to expose my intimate information.

"You're not busy tomorrow are you?" I swear, she winked at me and I almost choked. "I was hoping that you could meet with me tomorrow. Nothing too serious, just a quick check-in on that project you've been working on."

Obviously, there was no project. Mom was just trying to tease me a bit and ensure that I made time to tell her about the events that led to the kiss that took our breath away.

Donghae and Heechul didn't know any of that, though, and they started pestering me about the project— "Is it a new song?" Heechul asked, and Donghae guessed, "Is the agency letting you write a ballad?"— while Lucas watched me through eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Would you two hush?" Mom hissed at Donghae and Heechul. "Just let Lei keep her secrets for now!"

Mom and I laughed together and the others looked at us like we were crazy. That's okay, though. I didn't mind their stares. I was too happy that Mom saw me; I was too happy that there would be no more secrets between us come tomorrow morning. If I had it my way, I decided, there would never be another secret between us for the rest of our lives.

"I always have time for you," I told her through a grin. "Just name the hour, and I'll drop everything for you."

I had until 9 o'clock in the morning to decide what I wanted to tell Mom. Once I walked into my bedroom, I flipped on the overhead light, nabbed an empty moleskine notebook from the bookshelf, and sat at the desk I hadn't used since the long past poetry-writing days. Having grown significantly since then, I had to pull that little lever that lowers the rolling office chair.

Several of the pens that I dug out of the top drawer had gone dry, but I finally found one-- a dark almost-black blue-- that worked. I used it to map out the constellations, everything that happened before the kiss. Debuting with SuperM, giving Taemin my ribbon, the first game of Truth or Dare, crying that night in the garden, falling asleep with Taemin every night in America, the NCT Dream VLive incident, the Great Come Apart in Grandma's dining room, the roller coaster that was the Christmas party, visiting the wishing fountain where Baekhyun gave me a flower crown, kissing Taemin throughout New Year's Night and into New Year's Day.

I poured all of myself into that story, this story. On these pages, you can find me: my fears, my dreams, my hopes. I hope you love me as much as I love you. I know you do, Mom. I know you do.

By the time I lay me down to sleep, it is 4 O'Clock in the morning. Now, I wait for the sun to rise so I can share everything.

[punkscowardschampions]

Saint & Leilani

Saint: So, how many people with my surname have found their way into your inbox today? Leilani: few Saint: I hope those few have behaved and not been too taxing on your typing fingers or your patience Leilani: you're making it sound more fun & scandalous than it came close to Saint: That would be an odd but not unentirely precedented way to welcome you for us Saint: I'm just more than aware how...much, shall we be polite and say, some of them can be, even at the best of times Leilani: 😅 Leilani: are you forgetting which one of you I live with? Saint: 😅 Saint: I am in no way doubting your ability to cope with it, or previous experience doing so, just apologizing for the times you don't feel like being so gracious about their...persistence Leilani: thanks, I think? Leilani: the sentence was a mouthful to digest but I detected some sweetness in it Saint: I'm happy to apologize for my taste as well Saint: and will try to be more palatable Leilani: coming thick & fast but still smooth with it, that's impressive Saint: I'll accept that I'm potentially being much of a muchness with some of the more well-meaning but over-the-top members of my family, if that's what you're saying Saint: but admittedly, I'll struggle to hear I'm on par with certain ones who best remain nameless until I get more of a gage for your tolerance of their particular brand of care 😅 Leilani: I'm not saying much, personally, until I work out how much of this welcome wagon is genuinely what you'd like to say vs what you feel like you must Leilani: to make up for the rest or walk on eggshells in case I crack up Saint: Well, I haven't been instructed to talk to you, if that's what you mean Saint: and without a doubt, I have no idea how I would ideally like to broach this subject, because I have literally no firsthand experience Saint: I imagine that must be frustrating, is it? Leilani: it can be coming from you but not coming from you, if you know what I mean Leilani: deep in there, maybe you've got a whole other convo you'd love to be having Saint: I'm receptive to any conversation you'd like to have Saint: well, almost any, I'm sure Leilani: you & everybody else Leilani: the talk about me is non-stop Saint: We wouldn't have to talk about you Saint: I don't have any particular bias towards the subject of you, though it would be bad manners to ask you no questions about yourself, I can refrain if you have, like I said and assumed, had enough for a while Leilani: it's good manners if I'm in no mood to answer questions about me Leilani: but it'd be my bad to tell you to shush & end this convo just like that Saint: As you've saved me from the mortal sin of impoliteness with your rhetoric there, I'll save you from having to do so and can leave it there Leilani: take a turn in the hot seat, see how you feel about it Leilani: prep if I haven't saved you from 👿🔥 Saint: I'm not inclined to believe the creator would be that unforgiving, but that's what Catholicism will do for your morals, I suppose Saint: Fire away, as it were 🔥 Leilani: you're a catholic? Saint: Culturally, definitely Saint: I'm not sure my commitment to the church is such I can claim myself as fully saved, yet Leilani: mine goes as far as loving the 1st Eid for its treats & ignoring the sacrifices of the 2nd, can't call it commitment Saint: I don't think you're alone in that philosophy and approach Saint: but I don't necessarily think that's terrible at all, as long as you're finding some joy and fulfilment from religion- that is certainly a huge tenant of all the ones I've heard of, so it can only be a positive Leilani: how my friends celebrate 🎄🎁🎅 shows me I'm not Leilani: party > church Saint: Precisely, commercialism argument aside Saint: any promotion of togetherness, community and goodwill, what could be the issue? Leilani: the issue is in the confusion Leilani: people thinking it's something its not Saint: There's plenty issue around 🎄🎁🎅 but no more than most anything in our society today Leilani: if you're trying to take issue with something on any level, you'll find a way Saint: Don't you think problems should be solved? Leilani: if it can Leilani: big if Saint: Of course Saint: I think the if only makes the pursuit of more vital, I don't find it to be invalidating Leilani: sure but some questions aren't if or but ones Saint: Such as? Leilani: if I said, you're the fittest member of this family, let's go out, your answer would be no, becos you are a member of this family, it doesn't matter if you add I would if I wasn't Leilani: the answer's still no Saint: No, my answer would be that there's truly only one absolute in this life Saint: that I know of Saint: there are laws, ethics, morality and codes of conduct in all societies, sure Saint: but nothing is certain Leilani: birth & death are certain Leilani: one brought you here, the other me Saint: I was thinking about death Saint: birth is luck, usually, it's a little different Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: accepted Saint: We can differ on perspectives there, it's fine 😃 Saint: in fact, the father would probably want to put forth an argument for the opposite, now I think about it Saint: worse Catholic than I thought Leilani: I was thinking that 🤰 = birth, the certainty part being you don't get to stay in but you know Saint: I see what you mean Saint: anyone that is here is a certainty Saint: think we're going into Schroedinger territory there, I respect it Leilani: 🙀📦 Saint: 👍 Saint: who am I to say that whatever people are before and after they're people here can't debate philosophy Leilani: these are bigger questions than I expected Saint: And I wasn't meant to even ask how you were Saint: 🤐 Saint: go on Leilani: I've got a headache now 😅 Saint: Oh dear Saint: That's the first time that's happened, I would assure you but that sounds like a losing battle and another knock for my ego Leilani: your ego wants to take it as brush off, retro as hell Leilani: but I don't get questions that deep posed around me is all Saint: Retro...God, just don't take my 'deep' questions as a sign of pretension or I'm getting more tragic by the second! Leilani: it's okay I'm not a downtrodden wifey from back in the day, we're in an era where I can just tell you no Saint: and we're all the better for it Saint: though I don't think I've asked you any question where you'd be directly answerable to me 🤔 Saint: giving me a little too much credit for the universe and it's many questions there Leilani: I don't want your ego to end this convo black & blue Saint: That's very kind of you Saint: but my ability to take criticism could be compared to your ability to cope with Grace, just so we're clear Leilani: Grace isn't hard to cope with Leilani: I like her Saint: I'm glad to hear that, it would be really hard if you didn't Saint: harder, than it is, of course Saint: don't think I'm bashing her really, as I said, they all mean well, I can just imagine that relentless good intentions and meaningful conversations to be had would get very exhausting very fast Leilani: everything's happened fast Leilani: they're all playing catch up to the unexpected Saint: But you're the important one here Saint: most, although I was adding that to try and take the pressure off but clearly that's easier said than done Leilani: this is where I add something about pressure creating 💎 Saint: I don't loathe the sentiment but does it make you feel any better? Leilani: no Saint: then I wouldn't worry Saint: and I doubt there's anything hugely meaningful I can do to make you feel better in an impactful, big way Saint: but if you think of anything on a smaller scale that you would like Saint: don't hesistate to ask Leilani: will you introduce me to everyone in a retro way? Leilani: 🗨  & 🤝 Saint: That I can do Saint: The upsides to this family being as large as it is is that you're never short of functions to hijack for whatever purpose you may need Saint: and you won't have to worry about being centre of attention unless it's your birth, wedding or death Saint: even then, people have their own agendas Leilani: no pressure or as close as Leilani: when's the next? Saint: Exactly Saint: [literally whatever and whenever we want, offer a selection to show your point lol] Leilani: [picks the one where she can serve the best lewk because gotta make an impression regardless especially when you're nervous] Leilani: it's a date Saint: That it is Saint: if you'd rather show up with another kid, I'm happy to come pick you up from Grace's Saint: up to you, of course Leilani: pick me up 🚗 Leilani: I have no idea how Grace is allowed on the road Saint: 😅 Saint: I suppose they reckon the amount of potholes, we're all playing a dangerous game at the mercy of the council Leilani: 🙏 by god's grace like Saint: Seems that's all that's left in the budget 🙄 Leilani: 😅😅 Saint: I think you're in my sister's year Saint: Venus, that is Leilani: what should I think about it? Saint: You know you hypothesized that I was the fittest member of this family? Leilani: it's too late to drop the bomb that I should've asked her to pick me up Saint: She'll need a lift as much as you Saint: but meaning, she'd have taken DEEP offence to that assertion Saint: the headache would be realer Leilani: oops Leilani: & yikes Saint: again, not here on a smear campaign Saint: but I'd be doing you a disservice if I pretended she's universally easy to get on with Saint: perhaps you'll take to each other though Leilani: I'm not easy to get on with atm Leilani: but I do get a free pass Saint: You're doing fine Saint: unless this is your attempt at belligerence, in which case, sorry 😬 Leilani: attempting nothing but no pressure face to face intros Leilani: how could you forget already? Saint: 🤦 forgive me? Leilani: 💅 Leilani: hold on, I'll ask myself what my god would do Leilani: ... Leilani: yeah sure Saint: 😅 Saint: I was hoping distraction only fell under bad manners, not sin Leilani: it depends how you're distracting me Saint: What I offered would depend on how 😇/😈 you preferred your distractions Leilani: if I don't have both on offer how can I possibly choose? Saint: That's completely fair, actually Leilani: I know Leilani: so don't be unfair Saint: Wouldn't dream of it Leilani: is there anyone else you'd like to warn me about, while you're being fair? Leilani: or anyone I should run into the arms of like 🤗🤗? Saint: Warn would be extreme Saint: I don't think anyone is that bad Saint: I would have to know you better personally to say who I think you'd really click with, but there's plenty of us, I'm sure you will with someone Leilani: indulge me in the drama of it, St Leilani: 🤦😅 Saint: Oh, right Saint: you want the gossip of it all so you also have prior information on them coming into the conversations Saint: let me think then Leilani: I miss when my friends wanted to talk about that stuff Leilani: instead of me & my feelings Saint: That makes sense Saint: maybe you and Vee will get on then Saint: there's just a lot of drama to get into Saint: your head and inbox would be rocked Leilani: I've got time Leilani: & my head's already a mess Saint: Okay then Saint: bear with me if my typing speed gets retro Leilani: 😄 Saint: [just methodically go through all that is messed up with the fam nbd] Leilani: holy hell Leilani: I know I asked for that but did I though? Leilani: where have I come to live Leilani: 👋🚕 Saint: Yes Saint: sorry Leilani: hold on I need to just ✈️ Leilani: I thought my mum's relationship history was crazy Saint: It is what it is Saint: we all still manage fine Leilani: by the grace of god again, or whatever other means necessary Saint: Maybe Saint: I don't think it's all that dire now Leilani: maybe when I've come though all the stages of grief I'll be able to let you know what I think Saint: Look forward to it Leilani: I did make it sound really hot Saint: 😏 Saint: we're not all messed up, thank you Leilani: I'm used to being that half of the convo Leilani: you do you Saint: How are you messed up then? Leilani: other than having no parents now? Saint: Yeah Leilani: I'm not doing this right Leilani: any of it Saint: What aren't you doing right? Leilani: I miss her but like she's gone on holiday or a work course Leilani: not like she's never coming back Saint: Well, what's the first stage of grieving Saint: you feel like you aren't missing her hard enough, but if you were out of denial already, you'd actually be taking it way too fast Saint: be rude, right? Saint: Think of it like that Leilani: my rudeness is worse, wanting to hang out with my friends how I did before Leilani: care about 👗👠💄 Saint: Your entire world has been turned upside down Saint: of course you're craving normality Saint: I'm not just saying all this to appease you Saint: you're a kid that just lost her mum Saint: I literally do not believe there's any way you could get through this that would be wrong, or would reflect poorly on you Leilani: she needs to walk back in & badmouth all her worst clients Leilani: she can't be lost Saint: I'm so sorry Saint: that it's so unfair Leilani: unfair was when my dad stopped sending money & letters after going back home for what he said would be a few months Leilani: this is Leilani: I don't even know Saint: How old were you? Leilani: does it make a difference? Saint: Did it? Leilani: I'd just started school, so financially, yeah Saint: Do you know what he's doing now, like, where he is? Leilani: no Leilani: my mum said he had another family there Leilani: someone he was actually married to Saint: Right Saint: that was a cowardly thing for him to do Saint: the minimum would've been financial support Leilani: sadly I can't get it backdated Leilani: imagine Leilani: 👗👠💄 Saint: I'd have to look into it Saint: but probably not Saint: very hard to enforce at any rate Leilani: & taking food out of his other children's mouths, assuming he has some others Saint: Yeah Saint: but you can't be held responsible for his life choices Leilani: neither can they then Saint: I meant it'd be his problem to worry about and solve Saint: but I can understand not wanting to literally steal candy from a baby, as it were Leilani: I haven't been his problem for years, I'm Grace's now Leilani: this family's with all their existing crazy Saint: Okay, getting in contact with your dad for reparations isn't the first step Leilani: it's a mis-step Leilani: he fell off the earth, I'm not following him Saint: Okay Saint: so, what would you be doing with your friends today, if things were normal? Leilani: 🛍 Saint: So, I'll give you both options Saint: I can drive you to your friends, or whatever 🛍 you go to with them Saint: or you can come 🛍 with me Leilani: you can take me Leilani: they don't know how to act now that I'm 💣💥 Saint: they probably think they're giving you time Saint: but really, they're asking for it Saint: at least, that's how I see it Saint: maybe next weekend, or the next Saint: but we can go for now Leilani: it's okay, I wouldn't deal any better if the roles were reversed Leilani: it's not their bad that there's nothing to say or do Saint: You're very fair Saint: not to detract from how much of a 💣💥 you feel Leilani: you're flattering me like I'm not a 💣💥 Leilani: I don't know what that says about you Saint: It's honesty, not flattery Saint: The situation is a 💣💥 Saint: I've seen people handle significantly worse, that's all Leilani: it feels nice, honesty doesn't usually Saint: that's a resounding endorsement Saint: probably a bit too smug to put on a poster or LinkedIn but still, I appreciate it Leilani: you know what I mean, honesty is usually like that 💅 isn't the one or you need braces, child Saint: I think people purposefully conflate being honest with being rude Saint: but you can weaponize anything if you're that sort of person Leilani: yeah ☕ Saint: There's plenty of that sort at church Leilani: & the salon Saint: I've spent less time there myself but I imagine they're much of a muchness Saint: 👵 they all love me, obviously but father is a perfect case study for diplomacy Leilani: it's a type of church for some people Leilani: they take it as serious as a religion Saint: Hair and beauty has always been important Leilani: they just like being able to see results, there's no guarantee when you pray Saint: I'd argue there's no guarantee you get the result you wanted Saint: perhaps even less than 🙏 Saint: maybe you get what you need, not what you want Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: maybe not for 👵 if they're trying to look 👩 Saint: it highlights the limitations of communication Saint: you think you've asked concisely for one thing, and you end up with something that's nothing like that at all Leilani: I swear I did see my mum work some genuine miracles, that said Saint: It is without a doubt impressive what can be achieved Leilani: what do you want to be? Saint: I want to work for the government Leilani: we haven't been talking that long but that has come through Saint: Is there any particular way you'd like me to take that honesty? Leilani: as a compliment? Leilani: I think Saint: 😅 I think I can manage that then Leilani: I'll tell you what I used to want to be when I was a child, that's weirder Saint: Not admitting it's weird, but go on Saint: I'm intrigued Leilani: clues: Leilani: 🦷💉🥛😁 Leilani: 🚫🍬🍭🍫 Saint: Okay, question, just the one Saint: did you want to be rich or did you just really care about oral hygiene? Leilani: I wanted to make people pretty like my mum, I suppose was the thought process Leilani: & 😁 = happy Saint: So it's even more adorable than I first thought Saint: you don't want to be a dentist anymore? Leilani: the reality is way more gory than I knew then Saint: That's enough to give me a headache Leilani: I need a job with no blood or pus Leilani: even typing that made me feel weird Saint: 😖 Saint: Subject change Saint: are you going to buy anything today? Leilani: do I need to dress to impress your family or just myself? Saint: do you want me to invite my family out shopping with us? Leilani: you do have a lot of sisters Leilani: but you know I meant do I need a new outfit for this meet & greet you're taking me to of the entire extended clan Saint: Oh, gotcha Saint: dress for yourself, of course Saint: unless dressing to impress makes you feel more at ease, in which case, go for that and you won't be alone Leilani: it can't hurt Saint: No, there we go then 😊 Saint: though you can still do the aimless browsing I know 🛍 trips are really about, of course Leilani: are you looking to dress up too? Saint: I like to look presentable Leilani: oh good becos if it was just me, Grace & your sister that'd be a statement Saint: 😅 Saint: don't worry, it won't be Leilani: I'll do my happy dentist 😁 then Leilani: as I'm thrilled Saint: I'm just as 😁 to hear that Leilani: I'll try not to turn it into a frown with excessive browsing Leilani: no promises Saint: I've got a lot of sisters, as you said Saint: I'm sure I'll cope Leilani: which one's your favourite? Saint: which sister? 😂 Saint: I'm not sure there's a diplomatic way to answer that Leilani: answer it honestly, I can promise not to slide in to share the news Saint: Well, Jay is older and we didn't meet her until she was a kid so that combined with her personality makes her the most chilled out now Saint: Vee is younger but still close enough that we were kids together, so that makes her prime annoying younger sister category Saint: then the twins are that much younger that they get to be removed from that, and I have more of that protective older brother in me Leilani: Okay so Jay's your fave Leilani: what's your brother like? Saint: No, I didn't say that Saint: but she wasn't here in the beginning and she's grown up and gone now, it's easy to have less negatives to say about her Leilani: how old were you when you met? Saint: I was about 3 when we found out about her Saint: but the process took a while because she had a dad that raised her and still wanted to even though she wasn't his like he thought Saint: I think I was about 8 when she moved in and spent most of her time with us Leilani: that must have been such a weird time Saint: it was Saint: Vee was born around the time we found out about her so Saint: that was a trial too Leilani: your parents have had a LOT going on Saint: Yes, it seems to be their forte Leilani: your brother then Saint: he's younger too, so again, protective Saint: probably because we're outnumbered too Leilani: an if question Leilani: if you had to give me one of them, as an only child, which one would you give me? Saint: 😂 an odd request but okay, let me 🤔 Saint: Probably Sekh Saint: from the short conversation we've had, you have things in common, that would work well 🛍👠💄👗 Leilani: you're gonna separate the twins? very disney channel Saint: It was either lump them in together there and offend them, or separate and acknowledge that they're separate people Saint: they'll understand 😅 Leilani: 😅 Leilani: safer if I ask Grace for a pet instead Saint: Sure that she'd be down for that Saint: 🐰🐹🐱🐶🐠? Leilani: 🤔 Saint: That is a big decision Saint: best to take your time, decide how much effort you wanna put in to day to day care Leilani: 🐱 or 🏠🐰 Saint: Cute Saint: got any names or do you need to see it before assigning one Leilani: it feels fairer to meet them 1st Saint: 👍 Saint: we can go to the nearest pet shop/shelter if you'd like Leilani: adopt don't shop, St Leilani: or else 👿🔥 Saint: Indeed 😏 Saint: but you know most shops rescue their animals now anyway Saint: except fish...but I don't know how we're morally meant to feel about breeding fish? Leilani: we won't buy any, be on the safe & 😇 side Saint: It's your day Saint: I wouldn't try to bring you down to 👿🔥 levels Leilani: thanks, I have only just moved in Saint: Definitely not my intention with this conversation, or any going forward Leilani: that comes through too Saint: Is that a compliment? Leilani: I don't know if you're 😁 or not to be a good & polite boy Saint: Why would I want to be anything less 😇? Leilani: becos of your name maybe Saint: Subverting expectations Saint: I'd argue people expect the opposite from me though, regardless of my first name Leilani: in your case pressure makes 😇 Saint: 🤞 I hope so Leilani: I'll subvert expectations for us both Saint: Is that your new plan? Leilani: I don't really have one Leilani: other than the 🛍 Saint: Well, you have time Leilani: yeah, it's the keyword that's getting thrown around most atm Saint: It's not provably true but it's most likely the case Leilani: & it'll fill an awkward silence Saint: I can clearly talk enough for the both of us Saint: it doesn't need to be awkward Leilani: this isn't, but remember how we ref-ed that you weren't the only McKenna in my 💬📱 Saint: Right Saint: is there anything you'd like me to do, beyond the formal introductions Saint: politely suggest some people give it some time, perhaps? Leilani: use the time thing against them, I like it 😅 Saint: Only fair 🙂 Saint: consider it done Leilani: we're back into retro hubby & wifey territory Saint: You think? Leilani: it's very defence squad but I'm not 😤 Saint: I'm not helping you because you're a girl and I'm a boy Saint: just because I have the ability to Leilani: I know, you're coming across capable Saint: I'd like to think so Saint: but bragging about it would not be 😇 nor helpful Leilani: I've got your back in hyping you up a 😇 amount Saint: That's sweet Saint: I promise my ego is not that fragile that I need you to but it's still nice Leilani: I'd like to think I am Leilani: that it's not all doom & gloom in me, but maybe time will have to tell, annoyingly Saint: It shows Saint: honestly Saint: you aren't what's happened to you, even if that is all you can think about right now, or feel it's all you're meant to, or are allowed to, whatever Leilani: whether or not I'm her death, I was her life Leilani: there's credit for how she raised me, I mean Saint: Definitely Saint: I don't know you yet, but I would like to get to know you, from what I've seen Saint: I won't throw out proud for her but, you know Saint: I would be in her position Leilani: I don't know what to say Leilani: that feels above nice to hear Saint: I'm almost certain she would want you to know that, at the very least Leilani: yeah, she would Leilani: she wasn't too humble for a brag Saint: 😅 Saint: you should continue that tradition then Leilani: you'll regret saying that when I make you take 10000000000000s of pictures of me posing in different 👗 Saint: 😏 I'll have to buy myself something expensive to cope, I'm sure Leilani: ⌚️ so you can keep an eye on the time Saint: I have an uncharacteristically free day today Saint: my time is yours Leilani: what are we waiting for? come get me Saint: That's what I was waiting for Saint: I'll be with you shortly Leilani: consent given Saint: 👍

[thiswreckageivebecome]

The Winter Soldier is Still Here (Part 25 - “Hail Hydra”) (Bucky/Winter Soldier x reader)

Description: You’re working at the local farmers market when you meet Bucky and catch his eye, not only because you’re the only one who sells plums, but because you treat him like a normal person. As a friendship begins to bloom, it quickly grows into a relationship and you learn that life with Bucky isn’t as easy it originally seemed. I SUCK AT DESCRIPTIONS!

Word count: 2044....a short one, I'm sorry, but I thought a short update might be better than none. In the words of Peggy, “It’s been so long.”

Warnings: Language.

Author’s Note: I don't own art.

---------------------------------------------------

READER POV

__________

I stared in disgusted awe at Jake. This...this was not happening. He was...

"Jake, " I asked almost silently. "Who are y-? Why? What is going on?" He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Oh please, " he now spoke with a heavy Russian accent, "don't even start with dramatics and hysterics. None of that will help you. Nothing will, really. Oh, the Asset thinks he will save you. Hell, he probably believes he'll sacrifice himself for you, but no. He has no idea the storm that will soon hit him."

"But, Jake....you're...you're... what about the hospital? The hike? Our relationship."

"Oh, you thought that was real," Jake questioned in the voice I recognized. Then he laughed aloud. "Woman, you're a fool. The Asset really fucked you up, didn't he? You fell so easily into the trap. You've been the easiest target we've ever had. If you had left him be you'd have never become involved, yet here you are, still pining for him in New York."

I attempted to get up but the threatening tone that propelled itself at me stopped me cold.

"Don't dare fucking move, you bitch."

"I just, I don't understand. Any of it."

"Боже. ты идиот, но теперь долго, маленькая сука. Look, you're pathetic so I'm going to tell you this and then it's lights out. I'm not Jake. I wouldn't have such a trashy American name. You were the target to get to Barnes. Soon enough he won't remember you and you'll have no way of remembering him. Therefore, rest well knowing that you're the reason he will be serving Hydra once again."

As promised I was unconscious in the next second. The last thing I remembered was his cold hands around my throat and the room slowly dimming until there was nothing but pitch black.

BUCKY POV

___________

I ran to the weaponry faster than I had run in quite some time. I had to get to (y/n) soon. If I didn't get there quick enough, they'd kill her just for spite. As I got to the vault, a message came through on Steve's phone which I would have to steal. It was a location: Jumping Jack Powerplant. While the actual location of this plant had been erased from public record, I knew it well as the hideout Hydra had used when it was after Nick Fury and after its full control attempt at overtaking S.H.I.E.L.D. The location had to be close enough to D.C. to arrive in a short time yet far enough so that it was off of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radar. I quickly grabbed all of my usual choices: Gerber Yari ll Tanto, SIG-Sauer P220ST, and Vz.61 Skorpion. To be honest, I didn't plan to put up much of a fight unless that's what it took to free (y/n) and get her to safety. Otherwise, I was planning to do what they asked but it was best not to go empty-handed. I closed the vault quickly and as I turned around Natasha was standing in front of me.

"Barnes, what's going on?" The tone of her voice told me she already had a clue.

"Nothing, Natasha. Don't tell anyone I'm gone. I have to go." I pushed past her but she quickly caught up.

"It's Hydra isn't it," she asked as she followed me down the steps. I'd make it downstairs quicker that way.

"Natasha," I called over my shoulder, "please, just go back and pretend you never saw me."

"No," she wouldn't leave me. I halted and turned to her quickly but before I could speak, she figured it out.

"They've got her, don't they?" Her words hit me again like a fresh ton of bricks, the reality sinking in more than it already had. I halted for a second to stop myself from stumbling as the weight on my chest began to cave in. I began to continue my descent but she didn't move.

"They're just trying to get to you, Barnes. They only want you."

"You think I don't know that? I don't care. I can't let her die on my account."

"Just so we're clear."

She quickly caught up with me and actually passed me. By the time I made it down she already had the vehicle pulled to the door.

"Get in." After I was in and the door just shut, "where to," she asked.

"Jumping Jack Powerplant. It's North o-"

"Of D.C. Yeah, I remember." I simply nodded. We rode in silence for quite some time. When we were about 15 minutes out, she broke the silence. "So what's the plan when we get in." I remained silent. "You do have a plan, right," she asked worriedly.

"Yeah. Kill anyone who gets in my way to (y/n)."

READER POV

————————

I awoke with bright lights shining in my eyes, lights so bright that I immediately had to squint. There was a beeping noise. It started to speed up and then I realized it must have been a heart monitor.

"The stupid princess awakes," Jake...or whatever his name was...spat. "The asset isn't here yet so you might as well calm down. No use in screaming either, no one will ever hear you and we made it where you can't reach your full voice anyway."

I tried to speak but no sound came out. I began to panic. What had he done to me? He smiled.

"You're one of the most stubborn women I've ever met. I just told you-you cannot reach your full voice, yet what is the first thing you try to do? You won't be able to scream or even speak for a while. You might as well calm down, otherwise, I'll put you back under." I attempted to calm down. I needed to be as aware of everything he would do as I possibly could. I tried to lie still and keep my face even and emotionless. After a few moments of this, he commented on it. "Hmm, maybe there's a reason you and the Asset got along so well. You're both able to turn off your emotion so well. Granted I'm sure the serum helps." I had to stop my eyes from growing and becoming restless again as he got ready to continue.

"You know, this little serum right here," he held up a syringe that held an almost clear, slightly blue-tinted liquid inside, "took us many years to perfect but once we did, we made vats of it. We keep it stored safely away in a top secret location, of course. I can't wait to use it on you. The ladies always have the best reaction," he finished explaining eerily. He began wrapping an elastic band around my arm and I couldn't remain calm any longer. I started to try and shake the table straps loose so that I could, in turn, get away. I knew it was useless but I had to fight. If nothing else, maybe I could keep him from getting whatever serum he was so in love with, within my body. I couldn't scream but that didn't stop me from trying. I could feel the tight sinched air attempting to scratch its way out into the warehouse but it wasn't going far. I didn't struggle for long. He stuck a different syringe quickly in my arm and there was the darkness that immediately surrounded me.

BUCKY POV

———————-

Natasha parked far enough away that we wouldn't be detected and I got into the driver's seat and drove slowly up to the building, on high alert for any sneak attacks. I knew Natasha wouldn't be far behind me, probably already making her way into the building before I pulled up and parked outside of the locked fence. After I took a quick observance of my surroundings, I got ready to jump the fence when the gate to my right began to open. They knew I was here. They had learned how to hide their cameras better than they had in the past.

I entered the grounds, even more, hyperaware of the fact that they had eyes on me even though I didn't have my own on them than I was before. After I had walked about 15 feet I saw them, I saw him. I recognized him immediately which was surprising considering I couldn't remember much else. As soon as he spoke I knew this was the man who had posed as Jake.

"Charscovsky."

"Soldier."

"What an honor that you'd meet me at the entrance, " I attempted not to sneer. All he did was smile mischievously.

"Oh, come now, Soldier. You act as though we weren't close once."

"You and I have very different definitions of 'close' then."

The eerie smile never left his face. He turned on his heel and began to leisurely lead the way into the building. As he led me in I noticed just the faintest blur of red hair to my left before I entered and I was grateful in that moment that Natasha had refused to be left behind.

"(Y/n) has had such wonderful things to say about you."

"Take me to her."

"Oh, now, now, Soldier. You'll be reunited soon enough. First, we need to discuss a few things."

"We don't need to discuss anything except you telling me where (Y/n) is. Once she's out of here we'll discuss whatever you like."

"You see, that was a huge problem that we never did perfect with the soldier serum."

He waited for me to respond but I refused. He stopped at a door and turned to look at me.

"You're not curious, huh? I suppose I'll say it anyway. It'll be valuable information to you very soon."

He paused again waiting for a response but when he realized I wasn't going to, that smile he had held for the entirety of the time since our eyes had met, began to fade which almost brought one to my face.

"Whether you're curious or not, Soldier, what I'm referring to is the ability to negotiate. You see, we didn't think about that at the time. Elimination and defense were the prime qualities we wanted but now, looking back, I can see it is something we will need to work on in the future. I imagine you'll soon wish we would have too." He arrived at a door and stopped. Four guards stepped between us as he leaned down and pressed his face to a retinal recognition. I suppose they knew I would be tempted to attack and dissemble in order to get to her if he were left unprotected. I heard the door unlock before opening into darkness. My body tensed as I didn't know what this meant. He waved off the guards so that they walked behind us and he led the way into the dark.

I then heard two thumps on each side of me. I turned, fully alert, ready for a fight, but instead, I saw nothing but as the room lit, a dash of red flew past me and took down Charscovsky, pinning him to the floor.

"Oh," he smirked, "Ms. Romanoff, what a pleasant surprise."

"Where is she?" Natasha sneered.

"Oh yes, you have become fond of her too, haven't you?" Natasha pushed down against his throat more, so that he had to put more effort into continuing, "не волнуйся, ты скоро ее увидишь." He smiled again, mischief playing happily across his eyes. Natasha stood and jerked him up along with her. I stepped to him, toe-to-toe. "Where the hell is she?" I was now snarling. He smiled and remained silent a moment. He was clearly enjoying himself.

"Oh, зимняя принцесса," he said louder as if he was calling to someone else.

"What?" Natasha quickly questioned.

"No," I said, not wanting to believe what he was saying. Fear and anger took me over. My vision blurred. "No!" I exclaimed, pushing him into the wall to my left. My left hand grasped his throat, the metal plates of my arm shifting to strengthen my grip. All the while he smiled.

"Bucky, what is it? What's he saying?" Natasha asked, worry filling her tone. She didn't have to wait long to find out.

[jamiethebee]

ohohoho i need to get my embarrassment out so hopefully my brain stops thinking about this but lmao like its a lot.

so i went to a convention this past weekend, cosplaying as per usual, and it's sunday, the last day of con, i'm standing outside of one of the last scheduled panels of the day. now, it's been a LONG weekend. I con crunched late for the past week, i got like 2/3 hours of sleep, then 6, then like 4 hours the days of the con. i am sensory overloaded badly. it's not great. social skills have been eroded to basics since the day prior or perhaps even friday. i had a headache start about 45 minutes prior and knew it was going to turn into a migraine at some point within the next few hours. honestly im kind of a mess and just barely holding in there. also important: i'm with a friend that is a hugger. this will come into play later.

uuuh readmore cause this is long

ok, so i'm outside this panel and someone comes up and goes a kurogiri has been looking for you (i assume just a shigaraki cosplayer and not me specifically) and this group of friends would like to get a picture. which of course i say yes, sure of course. so i walk over. at first i see some non kurogiri cosplays and then turn slightly and see a kurogiri walk up. EXCEPT my peripherals and middle of my vision is obscured due to shigaraki's wig. i see this someone walk forward and arms moving and my brain just,,,, short circuts? and goes "oh, hug". i think "eh that's a little weird" but keep in mind that i've been around someone who is a hugger, combined with the body language, my social skills being so far degraded, and my processing time being slow didn't think past that. so i basically hug a complete stranger. very nice, nothing said about, i take objectively a terrible cosplay photo (as i said, basically out of it and couldn't think of a pose? despite having done many shigaraki poses)

anyways, you might think oh not that bad. but one of the other cosplayers in that group i had run into on friday and exchanged instas with, and turns out i know from tktk????? and also i know the kurogiri???? (as in i've seen their content on tktk, i don't personally know them or anything and i don't follow them). but now????? now???? it's not like it's random con goers and as long as i'm not early series shigaraki i'll never be recognized, nono! we're all active on social media! the kurogiri is mutuals with one of my best friends! i can't! unmortify it.

the best part? it took me 2 hours to fully process that "wait, maybe i interpreted that wrong and they weren't going in to hug a total stranger".

2 WHOLE HOURS. and then after relaying this mortifying mistake my friends pull up the "cosplay =/ consent" and goes "omg I'd be mortified". meanwhile the previous friend i mentioned basically goes "no it's fine i don't think you misread anything" but? they don't have any hesitance with physical affection and i don't know if they were paying attention really so there's a chance it was more platitudes than anything else. anyways, mention that i'm mentally drafting up apology and both friends go "don't fucking do that at all. if it wasn't embarrassing before it'd certainly be bad bc of an apology"

SO basically: i can't stop thinking about this situation but there's also? nothing i can do? friends said don't contact and so i'm just sitting here wanting to melt into the earth and cry. doesn't help being tagged in photos and now ??? do i act normal in a comment? like?

plus, there's tons of con guides ppl post on stories like what they're ok being called or referred to or touching (in regards to person, props, ect) so?!?!? there's a real possibly i not only hugged a complete stranger but violated a boundary (badly) and they've already made clear? (i mean that's not my fault for not knowing as i don't follow them, but it's more the fact that boundaries are something that are talked about a LOT with cosplayers and due to my brain just. not working. i probably fucked up real badly.)

the best/worst part? i don't like being touched by people at all ever. i just accepted a violation of my own boundaries (or i guess perpetrated?) to conform to a social expectation that didn't even exist in the first place and was probably very uncomfortable for this person as well.

also. the cosplayer i exchanged socials with, we mutual followed one another on friday/saturday and now i'm just like. they know my online persona. i'm going to become that weird person that they have a story about i just…. the full weight settled on me and i don't know how to deal with it? other than just try to ignore it.

(side note: i posted a general "sorry if i did/said anything weird this weekend" kind of thing on my story but that's it.)

trying real hard to keep identifiers out of this but geez idk how well i did.

[percymakesgamesnow]

Visual art is hard but I'm harder

I spent the last few days working on my drawing skills. Currently my art is --as the french say-- "really bad", and someday I'd like for it to be passable-to-great. I really enjoy drawing, and while I get a lot out of it it's just not something I'm good enough at to be willing to put out into the world disclaimer-free. So, in the interest of someday being a control freak GameDev who designs every aspect of her game, I figure I should start working on these skills now rather than be an expert programmer and ready to ship my game suddenly realizing it looks like doodoo.

"But Percy," you ask, lip trembling feebly, "how do you plan on doing this? What steps are you taking to summit this next great artistic peak? How can you, a subpar drawm'n possibly garner this remaining skill to toil Wagner-like and create your masterpiece???" Your voice breaks slightly and I turn in my chair. As I stand, your gaze scrolls up as though searching apartment windows for your greatest fear. All of a sudden, I tower before you, and I squat down into a frog pose to meet your eye level. Creaking forward, I whisper in your ear: "Y o u T u b e t u t o r i a l s."

So far I've done Saultoon's Aseprite Beginner's Tutorial which was super helpful, and I made these lovely little donuts :)

The process involved using all the main tools in Aseprite, as well as changing colour palettes. I did my first batch in the default palette, the second one as Minecraft colours, and to challenge myself I did the third one with GameBoy colours. In the end, Saultoon requested that I shade the big donut? which meant I had to break out of the GB's four colours and also I have no idea how to shade so that made it tricky. I'm proud of the donuts though I think they're cute! Pixel art is great because my hand motor skills are poopy bad and that's not a barrier here. Oh, I also bought Aseprite. I made this decision bc after much research I concluded that it was the cheapest and had the cutest logo.

I do want to get better at art theory stuff though, which is why I also started working my way through Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, a book that I bought probably six years ago and cracked open twice. Holy shoot though it's such a good book. The writing is really engaging, if somewhat pretentious, and the content is succinct and inspiring. The first exercise was to draw a self portrait which I'm actually quite proud of. I showed it to two of the best visual artists I know and both said it looks "recognizably like me" which is huge tbh that's what I was going for. I'm not gonna post it here just because I don't feel like putting my recognizable mug on the internet today, but I probably will someday to show the improvement working through the book. Oh, also, the self portrait was apparently supposed to take half an hour, but I accidentally spent 3+ hours on it. This ate into my learning-code time, but it's all good bc I learned I really enjoyed trying to nail the details. The next exercises I'm definitely gonna set a timer for, because I think it's important to churn out lots of product when you're learning a new skill rather than being a perfectionist, but it wasn't wasted time and it made me really really excited for the day I'm good at this stuff. I genuinely think that once it's not such a chore I'll be drawing constantly. I love drawing bro oh my god lemme at em as soon as my hands do what my brain says to do and my brain can focus on understanding even the most basic principles of shading. Shading so hard y'all. I did an art class in high school and I've had art friends explain it to me like a thousand times and I just, , , , do not understand how to visualize light.

Anyways I'm off! I think today I'm gonna work on another project that requires me to draw and call that my art practice, and then either write a little music or do the next coding module. I haven't written music in ages and it fills me with such churning, freezer-burning anxiety and I'd really like to combat that considering it's the thing in my life that brings me the most fulfillment. This is sounding like another post rn though, so I'm gonna save my thoughts for when I write an update involving composition. I'm feeling good today, and I'm not gonna let my anxious little brain take up my precious time worrying about wasting my creative/productive potential when instead I could, idk, be creative and productive. Or do LITERALLY anything else. Get outta here you squirrely little guilt-soaked meat sponge, thanks for your concern but you're squandering my valuable minutes. I love you. Mwah <3