#they’re just two little beasties that love each other <3

[crystalbeastsquidney]

The L in wlw stands for lizard <3

[faeryarchives]

I saw that requests were open if not then pls ignore this! but I just love the idea of twst mc’s as genshin characters! Oh oh also welcome to tumblr hope you would like it here! may i request an mc who’s like keqing with diasomnia ? they’re a workaholic and perfectionist but also skeptical and critical to everything around her, so i think the interactions will be very interesting and may I be 🦊 anon-?

hi hi thank you for the welcome and i am liking it here so far <3 and of course you can be 🦊 anon! its up to you guys if you want to view this as platonic or romantic ><

diasomnia with a keqing like fem!reader!

: ̗̀➛ malleus draconia

being friends with you is really one of the best thing that happened to malleus, never in his life he would imagine that someone was willing to see him in a friendly way after everyone got scared of his presence!

its funny how you two met actually because it went like this -

"oh hello, do you need anything?"

"oh? you are a child of man, how interesting. you do not fear me?"

"why should i 🧐?"

"well, people tend to go away just by seeing my form and horns."

"you do look scary but your horns are somewhat similar to my friend back home so-"

turns out your views about him being royalty and one of the top mages in this world was very interesting. you told him that you don't need formalities if you wanted to be friends to someone who wanted to be treated just like other people

although he knew that you would rather have the work done early, malleus couldn't help but became worried because he never saw you take any break

"child of man, do you not need any help in doing that?"

"oh mal, it will take a few minutes for me to finish that, don't worry. everything must be perfect before the midterms"

"but you said that three days ago."

and he successfully got you off your duty after constantly reminding you to rest that even took grim and the heartslabyul gang, who were having a study session at ramshackle dorm, to push you out your own dorm.

in the end the two of you went to get ice cream resulting to a happy dragon fae with his favorite child of man with him.

"i am so lucky i have you beastie."

"i am the lucky one mal." your eyes soften as you caress his horns gently while he lay his head on your lap. "thank you for being here with me."

: ̗̀➛ lilia vanrouge

you are one interesting human, lilia never met someone who has a strong sense of responsibility and tenaciousness that you have

like the vice dorm leader even saw you even replace the magic flowers that you and sebek accidentally stepped on when the two of you are having an argument about his great malleus

"oh my, are those kadupul flowers?"

yes. since sebek and i got into a tight spot earlier, mister crewel told us to replace the ones that got destroyed."

"oya? but where did you get a replacement for a short time?"

"i remember jack telling me about a plant similar to these flowers so we asked him for help and use sebek magic to make it grow in a state just like the original flowers."

he was amazed on how much you remember and paid attention to the small details! so whenever lilia somehow forget about what was going to do, he would go to visit you!

"little bat~"

"huh, lilia? i thought the vice dorm leaders have their meeting today?"

"oh! so that is what i forgot, silly me!"

"am i your secretary?"

the moment he found out that you love shopping, this fae didn't think twice before swooping you from your workload and hang out with you.

and the shopping trip became normal between the two of you! lilia always notice the longing look on your eyes whenever you two pass by children playing with each other.

"it must be fun to have a childhood without something pressuring you or worrying about anything at all."

it turns out that at an early age, you were already subjected to peer pressure and expectations by the people around you that is why you continue on drowning yourself with endless workload

to cheer you up, lilia gave you a hug and put the charm you were eyeing earlier on your palm with a smile.

"it's ok to be childlike sometimes even when you are now an adult because human life is fragile, it's bet to live your life to the fullest."

"i didn't know i was obviously staring at this charm. hehe i will treasure this lilia, forever."

: ̗̀➛ silver

surprise surprise, the two of you are actually sparring partners! silver accidentally saw you practicing your sword skills along with your electro vision and you were pretty good with it!

"aren't you silver? if you are looking for mal, he just left a while ago."

"oh, okay i expected that he would leave when he notice my presence."

"mmmm..."

"..."

"..."

"i didn't know that you know how to wield a sword?"

"well i sometimes go out alone to do bounty and do business with people. you can say it's for self defense."

you and silver spar whenever either one of you is free or you are very stress. stress from the unexpected problems you would get into along with your friends.

the diasomnia second year would notice how you would never leave a job undone and it must be at the best form possible or you will do it over again.

which lead silver to make you take naps with him whenever you hang out, of course it wouldn't be easy trying to persuade you to nap

"silver, i though we would go sparri-"

"you need to rest (name), i notice how you stared blankly at the ceiling during lunch.

"that's because i was thinking of my plans for the next day!"

"you've been working yourself more than ever lately, it wouldn't hurt to take a short break right?"

for some miracle you actually listen to him! maybe its about the calm aura he have around him that even animals find it comforting to be nearby him

the two of you will later be found by malleus, lilia and sebek in which the bat fae took the liberty to quiet first year down as he took pictures of you sleeping side by side

"oh they look so cute!"

"shouldn't we wake them up?"

"why is silver slacking of-"

"hush now let's go along, it's rare for (name) to get some rest so let her be."

whenever you feel like craving for your favorite golden shrimp balls, silver would gladly make it for you! just do not tell lilia first please or else the kitchen will be in danger again.

: ̗̀➛ sebek zigvolt

being the curious one he is, sebek would most likely watch you do your work after he got told by silver to leave his waka-sama alone and find something to do in the mean time.

he would probably initiate small talks with you, wanting to keep you company and this first year really wants to know more about you!

"so human, what were you doing back in your previous world?"

"i served as the yuheng for my country who is typically in charge of land, livelihood management, construction, and real estate."

"mm. not bad. did you also have the great seven?"

"we do had an archon watching over us for centuries and people rely on them too much that one day they didn't know what to do when our archon fell out of the sky because of our enemy's doing. eventually i understood why rex lapis did that in order for humanity to go on"

the talk about your archon really perked sebek's interest. is he more powerful than malleus? or lilia? or even the thorn fairy herself? you would never know 😵

he would sometimes join you in doing your workload and you can't tell him no because you two have the same level of stubbornness and it would take forever to make one of you back off

"sebek just leave that to me."

"just leave it to me human! you already have too much on your plate and as fragile as your kind are you might get sick!"

"its fine i took a short break earlier."

"one minute is not a short break human! and this experience might help me aid waka-sama in the future!"

"at least call me by my name!"

to be honest, you didn't expect that you would get closer with sebek at all! it turns out you both have something similar - having problem with expressing your thoughts to other people.

you just somehow feel connected with this first year that made you actually glad that you are not alone with this problem

slowly you two would improve with the curtesy of lilia, taking baby steps yes very true.

if you are feeling a little bit playful, you would tease sebek during your sparring by throwing your lightning stiletto in the air and jump to its direction - making him let out a gasp when you suddenly disappeared in front of him

that happened when the diasomnia trio came to watch you two.

"don't blink."

"when did you get up there?!"

"i never knew knew beastie could teleport."

"i think it's due to her electro vision. fufufu~ how interesting!"

"that is the reason why i can't really catch her when we spar. she doesn't hold back on anyone at all."

i'm so sorry if its a little ooc ahhjdfhjkvhdf and another thing! i will be changing the scenarios pov from second person to third person! and about the requests - don't worry i received it all and it might take some time because our graduation is coming up and i need to prepare hihi i hope you guys have a nice day <3

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 13, second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Distractions) 

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

This Fucking Turtle

The rock that Wei Wuxian and Wen Chao are standing on starts to move, because of course it does. It’s a tortoise shell, sort of. There are some problems with this ostensible tortoise. 

First, Murder Turtle a tortoise is technically a turtle don't @ me doesn't look anything like a turtle. I try really hard not to project my western mythologies onto Chinese works, but god dang this thing looks like the Loch Ness monster.

Second, its shell wobbles a bit, but there's no indication that the creature can move around the cave until much later. During an extended fight with several tasty cultivators, it stays put and just moves its head around.  

The immobility problem aside, it's not a terrible monster. After the hell dog, I'm relieved to have a normal CGI beastie where some things are done really pretty well. Its eyes and skin are particularly good.

What's not good are the teeth. When Murder Turtle closes its mouth, its long pointy upper teeth have nowhere to go, so they pierce its lower jaw and just sink in there. No wonder it's pissed off.

Its relationship with its shell is...well, let's save that for the next episode.

Irons in the Fire

Meanwhile,  Wang Lingjiao (Wen Chao's girlfriend) decides she's in the mood for barbequed MianMian, so she grabs a hot iron to burn her face.

Wei Wuxian to the rescue! He shoots three arrows at once and hits all three of his targets, in a move that he'll repeat with even more arrows at a later date.

Wang Lingjiao decides to throw the iron at MianMian, who decides not to duck, while Wei Wuxian leaps into the path of the iron and gets deeply burned on the chest through his clothing. This is absolutely definitely how time, things flying through the air, and branding irons work.

(more after the cut)

Jiang Cheng and Wen Zhuliu start fighting again. These two can't quit each other, almost like they have a date with destiny in their future.  Jiang Cheng shows off his purple bloomers while he and Wen Zhuliu try to outspin each other.

Camera operator: Why you gotta take it out on me?

Wen It’s Time To Say Goodbye

The Wens decide to dip, heading up the rock face and cutting the ropes behind them, which would be super inconvenient if several of the cultivators didn't know how to literally fly.

But they also put a bunch of rocks in the hole, while Wen Qing begs them not to do it.

Down at the bottom of the cave, everyone sits and chats, while Murder Turtle wishes it had legs so it could chase them. Oh wait, it does have legs, it just isn't ready to get out of the bath yet

Call the Waaambulance

MianMian is crying over all the nonsense the writers have put her through in this episode, and Wei Wuxian tries to cheer her up by talking to her like she's a toddler. On the plus side, he'll be a great dad for a toddler one day.

Jin Zixuan: I'm used to women crying around me, is that not typical?

Lan Wangji has got no time for cheering up crying girls, and starts heading back to the turtle bath, because he has figured out how they can escape. 

He and Wei Wuxian show off their mind reading abilities, where Lan Wangji explains absolutely nothing and Wei Wuxian perfectly understands him. See also: “Fortunately.” 

Rather than try to swim for it, the other cultivators want to hang around and wait to be rescued, or just generally feel like staying put and whining. 

Wei Wuxian takes charge through sheer force of personality, and makes Jiang Cheng go find the way out while he himself distracts Murder Turtle with fire.

Wei Wuxian can make talismans without 1. ink 2. a brush or 3. paper. He just needs his flesh and his unusually sharp incisors. He's so far ahead of everyone around him; how is a dude this talented ever going to be anyone's right hand man? He’s already on track to creating a new talisman-based school of cultivation, even if he never gets around to the whole necromancy thing.  

Swimming in the Pool, Swimming is Cool

The main group of cultivators go swimming while Wei Wuxian lights fires to keep the tortoise's attention. For some reason he just stands there when it's about to eat him...maybe he's mesmerized? Lan Wangji flings him out of harm’s way and gets his already-busted leg chomped on. 

Wei Wuxian pulls Lan Wangji to safety and tells the other cultivators to get going. Jiang Cheng doesn't want to, but Jin Zixuan convinces him.

For fans of homoerotic screen caps, this episode is a gold mine.

Murder turtle suddenly remembers he has legs, but Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji instantly find a room he can’t fit into, so they’re okay for the night.

Owie Owie Owie

Now we have an extended hurt/comfort session with our wounded heroes. Lan Wangji is bleeding, so Wei Wuxian...puts a splint made of sticks directly onto his unbandaged lacerations, and ties it with his pristine headband, which will remain pristine. Then he puts medicine on the lacerations.

This seems like a situation where the script said "broken leg" and the makeup department said "MOAR BLOOD" and nobody changed the direction to the actors. In any case, the sticks seem to help and bandages are not mentioned.

What is mentioned, of course, is the dreaded stale blood, which plagues many a c-drama hero, and has to be driven out through strong emotion. This is totally how the human circulatory system works. To be fair, there is probably a perfectly reasonable underlying concept in Chinese medicine that has been exaggerated for dramatic effect, so that every possible ailment or injury results in vomiting blood, sometimes sexily.

Wei Wuxian clears up the blood problem super quickly by offering to show Lan Wangji his dick, not to put too fine a point on it. Alas, he retracts the offer once the crisis has passed.

Once they settle down, Lan Wangji takes the opportunity to put some medicine on Wei Wuxian's burned tit, and to chide him for letting himself get injured. It's like he doesn't even know him. 

Wei Wuxian: I had no choice, because I am psychologically driven to sacrifice myself for other people at every opportunity. Get used to it, cupcake.

Wei Wuxian points out that MianMian is pretty and that it would be bad for her to have a mark on her face. Lan Wangji points out, not quite in so many words, that Wei Wuxian is pretty and now HE has a permanent mark. Before Lan Wangji ever got to see his bare chest, too.

Wei Wuxian says it's cool for men to have marks on their bodies. Preferably hickeys and rope burns, but scars are okay too. 

Lan Wangji: you're going to love my future body mods, then.

Then Wei Wuxian waxes poetic about having a pretty girl remember your heroism, and Lan Wangji gets jealous and cranky. Wei Wuxian misinterprets this, but not unreasonably, considering that Lan Wangji was putting his own body between MianMian and harm not all that long ago.

After some extended eye fucking followed by laughing and saying "no homo" for the censors, the conversation moves to a more serious place. 

Wei Wuxian engages in a little WangXian meta analysis, noting that Lan Wangji can tease him now, and is talking to him slightly more. Falling for a high-spirited, popular extrovert has been hard on Lan Wangji, but Wei Wuxian is also struggling with falling for a nearly-silent, crushingly-shy introvert. Wei Wuxian really does find Lan Wangji boring on one level, at the same time as finding him utterly compelling on other levels. 

Wei Wuxian starts to say something about the Lans and stops himself with this charming gesture. I've seen it here and there in c-dramas and I assume it's a thing in China. It's a perfect way for a hyperactive talker to say "I'm shutting up now" without using even more words to say it.

Lan Wangji finally, FINALLY tells Wei Wuxian - briefly - what happened to his home. Wei Wuxian, in one of those moments of empathy that they have more and more often as time goes on, asks about his loved ones, and forgoes any other questions.

Lan Wangji tells him that Lan Qiren is seriously injured and Lan Xichen is missing. Wei Wuxian is extremely concerned about one of these people.

When Lan Wangji falls asleep at 9pm on the button, Wei Wuxian tenderly covers him in his own robe, offering physical comfort in place of the emotional comfort Lan Wangji won’t let anybody give him. 

Then Wei Wuxian gazes at him like a lovestruck dope, before settling down beside him for the night. 

Soundtrack: Peter Gabriel, I Go Swimming

[charincharge]

Cruel Summer, Part 3

cruel summer masterlist

AN: I’m really sorry I like posting at 1AM, I guess? Same warnings apply. Drinking, swearing, sexual frustration. Excited to hear what you think about this one... 

There are nice neighborhoods in Wendlyn. There are suburbs with sprawling lawns and white picket fences and wraparound porches and two car garages. But Rowan has never seen anything like the Ashryver’s Terrasen summer estate. It took him a full fifteen minutes just to walk up the driveway. He supposed he could have parked on the driveway – he sees most everyone else has, but he’s certain his loud clunker of a truck would have only marred the view.

The house is stunning. It sits on top of a stony cliff that overlooks the North Sea. He cranes his neck up, taking in the mansion. It looks as if it’s four stories tall, and each window has its own personal balcony. The front door is wide open, so he walks through, admiring the high ceilinged foyer. His flip flops clop across the beautiful black and white marble floor, echoing loudly with each step, making him feel more and more self-conscious.

He’s already running extremely late. It took him forever to decide what to wear. Stupid, he knows. But he’s fucking nervous. He’s never been to a party like this. With people like this. He ultimately decided on a t-shirt and board shorts and flip flops – it was a pool party, right? But as he looks around the back patio, at the caterers and full bar, Rowan’s not sure he made the right choice. He looks over his shoulder, desperate for some reassurance from the girl he brought with him for moral support, but can only gape, horrified.

His roommate Manon, has taken off her leather jacket and revealed her outfit underneath – an oversized band t-shirt she’s wearing like a dress, which… barely reaches the tops of her thighs. He knows the t-shirt well, and though it promotes the Beastie Boys innocently on the front, he knows when she turns around, in large yellow block letters it will read: GET OFF MY DICK.

“Fucking A, Man. Put your jacket back on. That is so not appropriate. We’re at my boss’s house.”

Manon flicks a piece of lint off her shirt with her long black polished nails and narrows her eyes at Rowan. “Maybe if we hadn’t just walked four hundred miles down the driveway I wouldn’t be so fucking hot.” She smiles, baring her white teeth from under her dark lipstick. “Anyway, no one’s going to care soon. It’s open bar.”

“I don’t know why I asked you to come to this,” Rowan sighs, running his fingers through his hair. This was a bad idea. Manon isn’t exactly… work friendly, he thinks, as he takes in the ferocious-looking dragon tattoo that wraps itself around her forearm and disappears up her shirtsleeve.

“You couldn’t bear the thought of leaving me alone,” Manon coos, batting her heavily lined eyes at him. “Despite my many protests.”

“You’re a pain in my ass.”

“Don’t fucking slander me like that, Whitethorn. You know I’m the best you’ve ever had.” Manon winks. It’s a joke between them. They’ve lived together now for two years. Manon saved him after a particularly terrible run of bad roommates, and they’ve been cohabitating since. He made the mistake of telling her she was the best roommate he’d ever had one night, and she’s been taunting him about it ever since. Manon loves being the best.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re the best I’ve ever had.” Rowan blows her a kiss, and she pretends to catch it and throw it back at him. He clutches his heart, wounded from her rejection. Though it’s par for the course with the two of them.

A throat clears loudly, and they both turn. Rowan’s boss stands with the one person he wanted to work himself up to seeing today. Aelin looks just as good as she did the last time Rowan saw her — if not better, all warm sun-kissed skin and long wavy hair in an ethereal white dress. Her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes glint with fire. Rowan’s beginning to think that’s just their natural state.

“Lorcan!” Rowan, stutters, unprepared.

Lorcan’s lips tug into a small smirk as his eyes slide over to Aelin. “Aelin, I wanted to introduce you to—”

“Rowan Whitethorn,” Aelin drawls his name and holds out her hand out to shake his.

“I guess your connections came through,” Rowan says with a smile, but it’s not returned, and Rowan feels self-conscious again as he pulls his hand back.

There’s an awkward pause as Rowan wonders what the hell to say next. Aelin doesn’t seem interested in continuing a conversation, and Lorcan isn’t exactly the most amicable guy in the world.

Aelin’s eyes narrow and turn to the girl on Rowan’s right. “Aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?”

“What?” Completely flustered, Rowan’s forgotten that Manon is beside him. Manon looks at him, annoyed. “Oh. Uh, yeah.” He shrugs. “Sorry. This is Manon.”

“I’ve just been standing here the whole time, you asshole,” Manon chides, and Rowan sends her a warning glare, but she smiles widely and ignores him, holding her hand out to shake hands with Aelin.

“Manon Blackbeak. Thank you so much for having me.” Though Manon sounds sincere, Rowan knows Manon is being anything but. She’s going to be mocking him about this party for days.

Aelin returns her handshake, and gasps upon seeing Manon’s nails — intricate black and white designs on long talon like shapes. Manon says they’re coffin shaped. Because that’s apparently a thing. Rowan shudders. Manon’s nails are the one thing about her that truly frighten him.

“Oh, I love your nails,” Aelin says, admiring them thoroughly. “But it’s such a shame you’ve broken two of them.”

Manon’s amber eyes flash with glee as she gives Aelin a practically feral grin. “Oh, sweetheart, those aren’t broken. I keep those two short on purpose, so I don’t hurt pretty things like you.”

“Jesus, Manon,” Rowan barks out, blushing for Aelin. Watching Manon flirt with the girl he’s had his eye on is enough to send him into an early grave. Rowan scans Aelin’s face for any signs of offense. He doesn’t see any, but feels the need to apologize for his roommate, regardless. “I’m so sorry for her. Honestly.”

Aelin looks confused, her eyes darting between Manon and Rowan at a rapid pace. “…I don’t get it,” Aelin admits, and Manon is about to explain when Rowan cuts her off.

“It’s better that way.”

Manon rolls her eyes and twists her long platinum hair over her shoulder. She preens, admiring her manicure and picks off a nonexistent hangnail before looking back at Aelin. “Something you should know about Rowan is that he’s absolutely no fun.”

“So it seems,” Aelin says, her brow furrowed. Aelin’s demeanor changes in an instant again, giving them a terse smile. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Manon. And to officially meet you, Rowan. Enjoy the party.” And with a flounce of her skirt, she’s gone.

As Rowan watches Aelin disappear back into her house —

“What’s the story there?” Manon asks. “You piss in her cereal or something?” Rowan quirks an eyebrow at Manon, and she laughs. “That girl does not like you.”

Rowan crosses his arms defensively. “Why would she not like me? I’m very likable.”

Manon poked a sharp talon into his arm. “That’s debateable. Regardless, I know you did something.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Rowan can feel the anger swirling around his stomach. There was some fundamental reflex to being disliked that always got the better of Rowan. It wasn’t that he had a compulsive need to be liked, but — okay, maybe it was that a little bit. But also, he hadn’t done anything wrong. And why was he so damn upset about being blown off by a person he’d spoken to just a handful of times?

Lorcan snorts as he finally pipes up. “Aelin’s a handful. Steer clear that drama.”

It’s the most candid Rowan has ever heard Lorcan ever be, so he nods, taking in his warning. Though he’s not a hundred percent sure he’s going to adhere to it.

“Let’s get drinks,” Rowan suggests and Manon follows him willingly. Drinks are definitely an idea she can get behind.

Rowan meets up at the bar with the rest of the Cadre — that’s what the group of his coworkers has named their text thread. He’s not exactly close with any of them yet, but it was nice to be added to the group chat. Fenrys and Gavriel are already wet from the pool and the twins, Connell and Vaughan, pass around beers to everyone.

Rowan’s taken his first swig of beer when he realizes he’s lost Manon along the way. He finds her mid-conversation with Elide, one of the other Playland managers. Rowan isn’t super familiar with the petite girl, and he’s shocked to see that his roommate is.

“You found a friend,” Rowan says, handing a beer to Manon.

“Manon was my Resident Advisor my freshman year at University of Terrasen. Can you believe that?” Elide squeals. “She was the absolute coolest. She always let me sleep on her couch when my roommate kicked me out for slutty sleepovers.” Elide leans into Manon’s side, and Rowan expects the cold, white-haired girl to shake her off, but she doesn’t. She shocks the hell out of Rowan and wraps her arm around Elide’s shoulders and squeezes her, looking down at her with a fond smile. A small pang of jealousy blooms in Rowan’s stomach. He didn’t expect Manon to have her own friends at this party. She was here to be his support. Which he obviously, desperately needs. He’s floundering here.

As Rowan tunes in and out of Elide and Manon’s conversation, giving the appropriate mhms and wows, his eyes wander the patio, searching for the blonde who disappeared on him earlier. He can’t shake her dismissal. He wants to talk to her. Know what’s behind those blue and gold eyes of hers. Know why the hell she walked away from him. He spots her by the pool. She’s reemerged from the house with her hair tied up in a messy bun, wearing only a white bathing suit and freshly painted bright red lips. Rowan can’t help but stare as she slowly makes her way into the pool, the water rising until it hits right at her chest. It’d be indecent if the swimsuit weren’t so modes. The girl certainly knows how to command attention.

“Rowan.” Manon snaps her long claws in front of his face.

“Hm?” Rowan brings his attention back to his evilly grinning roommate.

“I asked if you wanted to get into the pool,” Manon says, her eyebrow raised.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Manon raises up onto her tiptoes and whispers into Rowan’s ear. “Think she’d be down for a threesome? She is fire.”

Rowan’s cheeks heat as he pushes Manon away. “Stop that.”

Manon grins. “But you’re so easy to rile up.”

Rowan finds a free chair for their things and strips off his t-shirt, and Manon does the same. He sighs upon seeing Manon’s black mesh strappy bikini, which looks more like lingerie than swimwear, showing off the artwork inked all over her body. Not that he can talk. He has his own tattoo, which runs up his chest and down his back.

As they make their way towards the pool, Rowan pauses. Aelin is in the pool with another man. He’s pale with floppy brown hair, and Rowan can tell he’s a rich kid just by looking at him. Their hands are all over each other. Aelin smiles and lets him kiss her cheek as she hoists herself onto his back.

“Uh ohhh,” Manon drawls. “Looks like Barbie’s already got herself a Ken.”

Rowan elbows her in the ribs. Perhaps a little harder than intended. Manon scowls at him. “I’m never taking you as a wingman anywhere ever again,” Rowan grits out.

“Ahah! So you admit it. I am here as a wingman because you have a crush on the boss’s daughter.”

Rowan flicks his pine green eyes at Manon. He doesn’t have to confirm anything. Manon has figured him out. So what? He thought Aelin was cute, and yeah, he thought maybe today would be a good opportunity to talk to her again. Get to know her a little better. Maybe start a friendship. Maybe more. Who knows? But it looks like that’s not in the cards. The dismissal was her way of letting him down easy. She’s already involved. Whatever. It’s better this way, Rowan thinks to himself. This way he won’t put his job at risk. Or his heart. It’s fine. He doesn’t know anything about the girl other than how good she looks in a bathing suit. He’ll get over it. He’s sure of it.

Except he doesn’t. The rest of the day is torture. Aelin avoids his gaze, shifting away from him at every opportunity. And it drives him absolutely insane. She splashes around the pool with her cohort, whose name he overhears is Dorian. He swears if he hears her shout out “Dor!” with unbridled affection one more time, he’s going to crack his teeth by how hard he’s grinding them. He tries to distract himself by racing with the Cadre, who’ve taken up the entire deep end, but he tires quickly.

Water-logged and exhausted from the sun, Rowan pulls himself out of the pool. He leaves Manon in Elide’s company and tells her he’s going for a walk. Rowan needs to clear his head. He grabs another beer and heads down the walkway to the beach. There’s something about the salt air and the sand that soothes him. Rowan walks a ways down, admiring the row of mega mansions that overlooks the water, though he can’t help but feel like even more of an outsider than he already is. He does not belong in this neighborhood. By the time Rowan makes his way back to the Ashryvers’ the sun is halfway dipped into the horizon, and dusk is upon them.

He finds a side gate to the house and makes his way through it, surprised that it leads to a beautiful rose garden. Vines crawl and wind themselves around arched trellises creating a magical canopy of flowers. His mom would love this garden. He sits to take a picture for her when the garden lights turn on, lighting the flowers with delicate twinkle lights, giving the garden an ethereal glow.

Rowan’s phone buzzes with a text from Manon. People are leaving. Where u at, bitch?

He laughs to himself and texts her back quickly. Be right there. Just paused to take a pic.

Loser.

Rowan ignores Manon’s reply and snaps another photo of the garden. He wishes he had his real camera and not just his camera phone to capture the light of the garden, but he thinks he manages to take an okay snap of the lit roses with the fading sun over the ocean in the background.

He’s about to head back to the patio when he hears a voice from overhead call out, “Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?”

He looks up, and sure enough, Aelin is dramatically leaning over her balcony, hand placed over her brow, as if she were searching through the crowds for her paramour.

Rowan is positive she doesn’t see him in the dusky twilight, so he chuckles somewhat loudly and gives her a short wave to get her attention.

Aelin straightens up immediately, her posture suddenly rigid with tension. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t see anyone out here.”

“I figured,” Rowan says, running his hands through his hair, a nervous habit of his. He spots a silhouetted shadow emerging from behind Aelin and smiles sadly. “By the way, I think your Romeo is behind you.”

Confused, Aelin turns, and sure enough Dorian appears next to her. He pulls her into his arms, and Rowan’s heart gives a small sad tug as he watches Dorian spin Aelin and lower her into a low dip. His footsteps feels heavy as he walks away and hears her peals of laughter ring out into the slowly encroaching darkness.

~*~*~*~*~

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[littlespaceporgs]

The Clone Wars Reacts - Part 5

Or Leah loses her shit at Jar Jar, thirsts for Aayla Secura for an episode and a half, and then swoons for Riyo Chuchi.

Welcome once more to the Reacts series! I’m a busy woman for now but I am setting up a schedule for this series which will be

Today we’re covering episodes 12, 13, 14 and BONUS! 15. This is because I got super bored during episode 14 and basically didnt write anything so, here you go! As per usual, major spoiler alert for season 1 of the clone wars! If you haven’t read the previous parts to this series, I suggest you do so that you can follow along! 

Part 1 - Episodes 1 and 2 Part 2 - Episodes 3, 4 and 5 Part 3 - Episodes 6, 7 and 8 Part 4 - Episodes 9, 10 and 11

Tags (if you want to join, my taglist can be found on my page!): @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @girlvader @simping-for-fives @littlevodika @hounding-around @pro-fangirls-unsocial-life @onabouteverything @acciokenobi @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @roseofalderaan @fractiouskat

We’re well past the half-way point, so there is 2 parts left of season 1, and then onto season 2! So lets get into it!

Episode 12: The Gungan General

> heheheheheheheh jar jar I am KEEN

> I get hondo and jar jar in one episode

>> this’ll be funny

>>> actually no scratch that, this is gonna be hilarious

> oh and they woke up in a cell this will be fun

> HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA AND THEYRE BOUND TO DOOKU

> DISASTER I TELL YOU

> “if I keep my mouth shut you’ll devise a plan so get off the god forsaken planet?” “YES”

> this dude seems traitorous as fuck (im referring to one of the pirates, not dooku shockingly)

> I wish Ahsoka and Yoda were in this too, I want more disaster lineage

> ah he is indeed a traitor

> “HEIDY HO CHANCELLOR”

> JAR JAR WHOO

> “stop messing around, we’re landing. Secure yourself” “MESA TRYING ITS STUCK”

> promptly followed by jar jar falling everywhere

> oh and now he’s in the cockpit

> oh shit that senator guy is definitely dead right?

> “do control tour protégées insolence” “anakin, control your insolence, the count is concentrating”

> “do we know where we’re going?” “Ssh anakin” “DO we know where we’re going?”

> is it safe? Of course it i- riiiiiight

>> I forgot this was the clone wars for a second, this is gold

> FRIENDS DONT DRUG FRIENDS HONDO

> y’know, dooku’s quite amusing when he’s not trying to kill my favourite characters

> “are you now in command” “uh no, binks is the highest ranking” ooooohhhh boy

> ooooooohhhh and some mind tricks too, nice

> I hate to say this, but jar jar is actually smart

> holy shit

> beasties are nearby too, we’ll be fine. they run, we run

>> Dayum jar jar actually making good decisions?

> I present a real and accurate image of my reaction to this statement

> Mesa be having an idea oooohhh booooyyy

> obi wan that is no way to speak to your grandmaster

> be patient master the count is elderly and doesn’t move like he used to

> I would kill you both now if I didn’t have to drag your bodies

>> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this is the only reaction I’ll accept

> then falling all over each other is the only thing I’ve ever needed to see

> “ this is not going well” no shit

> my question is why did obi wan not drop Dooku?? Does he actually still care about this man?

> you’re right, I don’t think youre going to be friends 🤦‍♀️😂

> sneaky lying snake

> bruh they don’t even know you’ve got the Jedi captive??????????

>> so how does that work you dumbass

> no shit, you will look like fools obi wan

> “there be some bombad clankers” 😂😂

>> “huh YOURE right, bombad clankers” I love the shock

> YOURE RIGHT HE IS SMARTER THAN HE LOOKS, GIVE JARJAR SOME CREDIT

> oh boy anakin, just keep your mouth shut genius

> man electrocution doesn’t look like fun

> HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

> The next few lines of confused joy are me reacting to jar jar somehow single handedly taking out 3 tanks

> what the fuck

> JarJar I I’m what-

> JUST DID A GOOD THING, I DONT REGERT THIS THING AT ALLLLLLLL

> fuckin JarJar was great

> “KILL HIM HES NOT A REPRESENTATIVE, HES A PLAGUE” I’m ded 💀😢💀

> serves you right you snake, now dooku gonna choke your ass

> oooohhhhh that’s how these two twits (hondo and obi-wan) became friends

> “and... he knows where you live” Oof the subtle threat is real

> hem I love obi wan very much and his sarcasm

 Episode 13: Jedi crash

> I JUST SAW AAYLA I AM EXCITED I AM ALSO ATTRACTED TO HER VERY MUCH

> SHES HOT

> I LOVE HER

> AND HER VOICE JUST MAKES ME ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

> I wish I was bly, not gonna lie

> I have a quick question - the 501st colour is blue right? Then why do they have a gold squad, doesn’t the extra colours just confuse things?

> I love seeing anakin and Ahsoka in action coolest thing to watch

> And anakin

>> I am also quite attracted to him

>>> imagine dragging your hands through that hair as he- wait no I have minors in my followers not gonna finish that

> Uh oh

>> Oh anakin you twit

>>> HE LOCKED HOMSELF IN WITH AN EXPLOSION JDGKJDJFKFKFKFKFF

> HES INSANE

> Are all Jedi so reckless? Just the good ones - love this by the way

> Oooohh shit for a STAR

> I mean like? I know anakin doesn’t die, but this shit is concerning

> Perfected the art of destroying ships and getting master almost killed? Sounds familiar

> I hate it when they just call them “padawan “ it just feels very impersonal like bleh

> Like I love aayla but god the Jedi preach some bullshit

>> God forbid someone raises a child and gets attached to it

>>> Like for fucks sake

>>>> Can you tell this is something I’m passionate about?

> Anyway, moving on

> Oh hi anakin! You’re alive!

> That bird lookin thing is tryna eat my boy 😤

> Oop - well that dudes dead

> Aawwwwwww aayla looks so sad, this makes me sad too

> Can we just appreciate this?

> Well these little critters are cute

> Ooooohhh I think I agree with this little dude

> You can skip the paragraph if you like, its just me going off about ‘peacekeeping’

> Alright gonna get mildly into it for a second, the clone wars really gets into it with episodes like this, displaying how the entire galaxy was starting to lose faith in the Jedi and their peacekeeping ways, in the movies we just got that people just started hating the Jedi because they became part of the war, but this really fleshes it out and shows just how slowly and gradually the loss of faith is. Because he’s right, the Jedi aren’t peacekeepers anymore, they bring as much destruction with them that the separatists do and have become symbols of war. They’re fighting for a good reason yes, but they can no longer claim that they are peacekeepers or that they played no role in this war.

> ANYWAY BACK TO REACTS

> AH MY TWO FAVOURITE WOMEN AND A PRETTY BACKGROUND AGAIN!! They really do be doing me a great service

Part 14: Defenders of Peace

> I’m really not into this episode, just saying it now

> Anakins just as bad as obi wan, like honestly just chill bro, fucking REST

>> MY BOYS DESERVE SOME GODDAMN REST AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL OK-

> Okay but is it taking a life if it’s a droid?

> Ugh this dudes ugly as fuck

> What did you think was gonna happen?? Of course your village was going to be ransacked

> I could go on forever about the pointlessness of this war like it just makes me mad palpatine you slimy git-

> My reacts this episode are really boring huh, I’m not into it 😭

*fully I didn’t write anything for about 10 minutes here because it’s just a little boring*

> HOLY SHIT NOW THATS A FUCKING WEAPON

> Yep sorry that’s it for this ep, I’m so bored 😂

>> Anyway, bonus episode because that one was short!

Part 15: Trespass

> YES OBIWAN WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

> AND IS THAT RIYO CHUCHI I SPY?????

> Hahahahahahahhahahaha it’s not tatooine, you got that right

> Oh god this dude already sounds like a dick (its the chancellor dude but not palpatine)

> Why’s he so defensive over it?

> Oh yikes, that does not look good

> Seppies don’t do that though - this is... odd

> Ah and the same thing has been done to the droids

> Off topic, but I think I’m going to make a clone wars drinking game that I can do while I do my reacts, so I’m going to make that this week, send me your ideas in the comments or dm me!

> Back to ep - pfffffffttt obi wans little taps and then anakin really goes WHACK

> Anyway I’m going to do this in the next couple days and then every Friday night I’ll watch a few eps and drink away

> Alright back to the episode once more

> Abominable snowman????

>> Definitely

> This is gonna go well isn’t it?

> “Well? Say something”

>> “Just shut up” *visible eye roll*

> What the fuck is their mouth

> Okay really obi wan, I think it’s pretty clear they don’t speak basic

> YEEEEEEAAAHHH THATS MY BOI ANAKIN

> Awwwwwwww that shits cute, fucking bear huugggg I want to be hugged like that

> I’m not fussed if it’s anakin, obi wan or kit fisto but please someone love me

>> Preferably kit fisto

> Anyway this dudes a dick (again, its the chancellor dude)

> They obviously have intelligence, and this dude has issues

>> I’m thinking he’s trying to compensate for something 👀

> Oof you really gonna tell a Jedi what to do?

> HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA the other people’s were there already

> Ugh he reminds me of my very racist grandparents oh boy

> You’ve been told like 4 times that it is not your jurisdiction anymore and you still can’t take it?

>> BRUH

> She’s so tiny and adorable and her voice is just 🥰🥰🥰🥰

>> Oh no

>>> I’m simping for another character

> Surely this guy dies

> HAHAHAHAHAH HE JUST GOT SPEARED SERVES YOU RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER

> What a dick, he shall not be missed

> She’s just, so pretty??? And smart????

>> FUCK MY BISEXUAL ASS CANT HANDLE THIS

> he’s seriously not dead yet?

> AAAHH RIYO YOU SMART GIRL YEEEEESSSS NEGOTIATE THAT PEEEEAAACCEEEE

> THATS MY GIRL SENATOR CHUCHI YEEEESSS

Welp that’s it for today folks, it was lovely, see y’all at some point this week where I say the drinking game rules and then next drunken Friday (even though these are gonna be released on saturdays but I write them on fridays?)

[just-the-mage]

Review-Love Death + Robots (Pt 1. Episodes 1-4)

So here we are again.  You, dear readers, and I, a mostly defunct tumblr page.  I was thinking...I’ve written a few reviews on here before, and I’ve rather enjoyed myself to be honest.  So until RP starts up again for me, I’m going to grab some popcorn and start reviewing some of the media I’ve been indulging in during this exceptionally fun pandemic we’ve all been saddled with (and are becoming increasingly more and more used to as time goes on).  Here we go! 

Spoilers incoming! I don’t like to discuss a show without going through it entirely-no stone unturned.  You have been warned! 

Love Death + Robots is a compilation series-each episode is self-contained content, based on what I have experienced thus far.  The content varies wildly from cute and sweet to surreal, to horrific.  For right now I’m going to stick with the first four episodes since they are fresh in my mind.  

Episode 1: Three Robots

Three robots shows a short adventure shared by, you guessed it-Three robots exploring the crumbling remains of human society.  It comes across as three tourists making their way through an area that they are completely unfamiliar with, attempting to define and understand elements of the environment as humans once did.  Their analysis and attempts to understand not only human culture, but also basic human biology, were entertaining to say the least.  Each robot has flair, character, and a their own take on humans and humanity.  Over the course of the episode, the fall of mankind is referenced a few times, being initially explained as a mass extinction due to environmental disasters (global warming is probably a factor-one of the buildings has an entire ship sticking out of it).  However, the twist ending throws that whole theory into question once the cat that has been accompanying the robots for the last leg of their journey reveals itself as capable of speech.  And, interestingly enough...being in possession of opposable thumbs.  It was certainly unexpected, and a bit odd-the cat (and its many, many brethren) manage to finish out the episode by convincing the robots that if the robots do not pet them, the cats may explode.  I will say that the ending, though it was rather silly and fitting with the tone, felt like an out of place twist intended mostly to give a bit of closure to a story that had no real need to have an ending.  It felt a little out-of-left field, at least to me.

This first episode, I think, is one that I could recommend to a much more general audience than almost all of the other content of the show.  It’s whimsical and cute, despite inhabiting such a grim setting (and grim it is-post apocalyptic is not taken lightly here.  There are plenty of corpses, some skeletal and some not quite so much.  At least one of them appears to have died by suicide).  I found it to be a nice addition and a good introduction to ease people into the tone of the show.  Definitely give this one a watch, even if the ending sort of comes from nowhere. 

Episode 2: Beyond the Aquila Rift

This episode was definitely a change of pace from the first.  It begins as a high science fiction story starring a hunky, middle aged man and his two crewmates, making some sort of cargo run (?) through a wormhole of some kind, but promptly finding themselves in a completely different place from what they expected.  Hunky space captain wakes up first, finding that he is greeted by an old friend (read: lover) of his, who explains that there was a navigation error that led them off course-way off course.  They’re in a completely different area than they expected.  The ship’s navigator wakes as well, swearing that there couldn’t have been an error in her calculations, but seems ill and is placed back in her future tech cryopod to rest.  Space captain man then bangs it out with his ex-lover (Greta) in a scene that was almost definitely written by a man, and she reveals to him that she lied, and that him and his crew are actually hundreds of light-years further off course than they had thought they were, basically dashing any hopes that he could have of returning to his old life.  The two then wake the navigator again, who immediately starts ranting that ‘Greta’ isn’t who she says she is.  At this point, enough clues have been given that the captain catches up with the audience (it was all a simulation the whole time), and he confronts Greta, demanding that she reveal herself as she truly is.  She does, after some prodding-and the captain finds himself in an infested husk of a ship, aged and haggard, obviously dying of starvation.  Greta reveals herself as a lovely spider-beast, and the captain wakes up from his pod again-back in his comfortable illusion once more.  

I love the premise of this one.  Crazy aliens and shit like this is a huge draw for me-sci-fi horror is probably my favorite subgenre of horror when it’s done well.  I would count this episode as doing it pretty well.  They don’t go into much techno-babble, which I think is a pitfall for some sci-fi stories.  The writers are well aware that we aren’t spending too long in this world, so we don’t need to know much about the rules under which it operates outside of ‘computer mistake your ship fly here.’  The twist ending didn’t end up being too much of a twist-in my opinion there were too many clues given throughout the episode to make it that much of a surprise that things weren’t as they seemed.  The odds of this man meeting his ex-lover in the infinitesimal reaches of space just by chance were a bit too impossible to make it believable-and the navigator was far too convinced that her work couldn’t be incorrect.  In the end, it was an expected twist, but still pretty jarring.  Execution is pretty good overall though-and the sex scene is pretty decent as well, even if its strictly a dude-fantasy thing.  Also, call me a sucker for cool looking beasties, but I adore the design on spider-Greta.  That’s a lady right there for you.  

Episode 3: Ice Age

The only live action episode I’ve seen so far-this one gives an *entirely* different tone than the majority of the other episodes in the series.  Topher Grace and Mary Elizabeth Winstead happen upon a lost civilization that exists entirely within their refrigerator.  They watch in awe as it develops incredibly quickly-hundreds of years passing within the civilization in roughly an hour or so of real time.  What starts in the morning as a town in the viking ages eventually develops into a modern society, almost destroys itself with nukes, and then rebuilds from the ashes into a fully futuristic society that quickly ascends beyond physical form, appearing to disperse itself into the cosmos, no longer bound by such petty rules as the laws of physics.  A disappointed Topher asks if they’ll return-to which he receives a sad ‘no’ from his partner.  It seems all is lost, and the couple go to bed for the night-only to find that the cycle has restarted overnight, and they probably won’t be able to keep any frozen chicken in the freezer for quite some time.

This one is probably one of my favorites of the series so far.  It’s fairly well acted, but the real beauty of the episode is getting to watch the mini-civilization develop itself in a glorious time lapse-the work that must’ve gone into it must have been monumental, to be honest.  The final product certainly felt that way, in any case.  What I also found fascinating was a specific scene in which the protagonists were abandoned in place of some of the tiny denizens of the lost civilization-which made me realize exactly how slow the ‘normal sized people’s’ actions must have looked to the diminutive people of this rapidly developing society.  Reminiscent of the earth’s motion in relation to our own perception-and reinforcing the concept that to an individual, perception is everything. 

Episode 4:  Sonnie’s Edge 

This episode opens with three people transporting mysterious cargo into a heavily guarded complex, quickly encountering and interacting with a ‘bigwig’ of sorts with a beautiful woman on his arm.  Through context clues the audience is easily able to discover that the three (pictured above) are here for a fight-and that their cargo is their fighter, a living creature of obviously immense proportion.  The bigwig asks the team to throw the fight, and they refuse, even after he offers a large amount of money.  (It’s worth mentioning that during this scene, ‘Sonnie’, the leader and controller of the beast fighter, shares an EXTREMELY homosexual gaze with the bigwig’s beautiful lady friend.  Don’t think I didn’t notice the setup, because I definitely noticed the payoff, even though it was rudely interrupted).  Sonnie and her teammates enter the ring, setting up as it appears that she will be piloting her fighter in some way.  Her opponent is also introduced, though he is hardly important in the story-imagine a cake of beef with a big sticker on him that says ‘mysogyny’ in bold print.  What follows is one of the most brutal fight scenes I’ve seen in animation (this is just my personal opinion though).  These creatures fucking tear each other to shreds, with Sonnie’s beast only just barely emerging as the victor, tearing the opposing fighter’s head clean from its body.  The bigwig is obviously angry, as is Sonnie’s opponent, and Sonnie and her team retires to a hotel room of sorts, with the exception of Sonnie-who slips away into the room that houses her fighter, promptly encountering the beauty from earlier! (Payoff time)..and it gets gay.  Fast.  I love me some wlw content, and there’s some nice tension here, right up until the beauty stabs Sonnie through the head.  Rude.  The bigwig reveals himself, which was a bit of a surprise-the part of me that hadn’t seen much of this show yet was hoping for a fluffy little happy ending.  It wasn’t to be though..after the beauty crushes Sonnie’s skull, the two promptly realize that ‘Sonnie’ wasn’t Sonnie at all-just some biotech.  The *real* Sonnie...was the fighter, the whole time.  Who promptly makes short work of both the beauty and the bigwig, (implied), in what I can only describe as the most satisfying moment in the series that I’ve seen thus far.  

This was easily my favorite episode of the show, and has continued to be, and I assume will continue to be my favorite through the rest of the series.  It’s not just because of the lesbian rep (my people!), or the misogynists getting fucking destroyed, but the strength of the reveal, the choreography of the fight scene, and the *power* of the protagonist.  I love her.  I love her sooo much.  We are seamlessly introduced into the world, shown a woman who has been beaten, scarred, faced sexual abuse, and she remade herself into a being of pure power.  She fought back, and *look how she fights back*.  I cannot describe just how much of a cheer-worthy moment it was to watch the smug smile be summarily wiped from the face of the bigwig.  I *love* seeing a villain who has full confidence in their victory suddenly realize that they don’t have the upper hand anymore...and that they are, in fact, absolutely screwed.  This was one of those wonderful, wonderful moments, and I can think of nobody more deserving than this villain of being torn to shreds.  This was an A+ episode for sure-100% recommend this one for anyone who can handle a bit of gore.  

Thank you so much for reading!  This is only part 1...more to come!        

[hollenius]

Sorry, I just really love interviews where Peter Buck talks about books. And also about crying at a Pepsi commercial.

https://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-xpm-2001-10-14-0110140554-story.html

Edit: apparently this is not accessible in all countries, so I am copying and pasting the text under the cut. Contains some discussion of Michael Stipe’s lyric-writing strategies as well as tales R.E.M. reading all of Flannery O’Connor’s short stories while in the van in 1982, whether Faulkner or Hemingway or Fitzgerald liked music, intuition vs. hard work in the act of creation (and how writing a song isn’t like writing a novel), the relative effectiveness of specificity vs. generality in bringing about an emotional response in the audience (and, again, how songs aren’t like novels) etc.

RECONSTRUCTION OF THE FABLES: MARK LINDQUIST and PETER BUCK

THE HARTFORD COURANT     October 14, 2001

Mark Lindquist: The only thing I did to prepare for this was to go through my CD collection, and the three bands that dominate my collection are the Beatles, R.E.M. and the Replacements. I listened to albums by each in progression, and one of the things I noticed -- maybe because I was looking for it -- is that each of these bands became increasingly interested in narrative, in story, as their career progressed. Do you think that happened with R.E.M.

Peter Buck: Absolutely. When we started out, Michael was trying to find a way of communicating that wasn't a literal language. He didn't want to string together sentences that told a story that everyone could agree on. I really respected that, the feeling that the narrative stuff has been done, love songs have been done, and this sort of Rorschach blot of words and emotions are a different way to approach telling a story.It also opens it up a lot, in that people can listen to these songs and, without knowing exactly what they're about, put themselves in the song. Michael told me recently: His theory is, name your 10 favorite rock songs of all time. Write them down. Then write next to them what they're about. Guarantee that you'll only be able to do that for two of them.

ML: Let's try that. Name your five favorite rock songs.

PB: "Like a Rolling Stone," "Fight the Power," "We Can Work It Out," "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times" and "Gloria" by Patti Smith.

ML: OK, "Like a Rolling Stone." What's that about?

PB: Obviously it's an aggressive song putting someone down, but I don't know who that person is. Assuming that I know a little about Dylan's life, it could be about the people who followed him around. It seems to be a portrait of someone who thinks they're a winner, who's high in society. Who that is, I don't know. I could be completely wrong. I don't know what Napoleon "who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat" means.

ML: But you remember the line about those Siamese cats.

PB: With Dylan, you always get that. "The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face." That's from "Visions of Johanna," which is one of my favorite songs, but I have no idea what that means.

ML: How about "Fight the Power"?

PB: I would assume, being a white guy from the suburbs, that it's about being black, but I don't know. If the Beastie Boys had written it with the same lyrics, I'd have no idea.

ML: "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" is from "Pet Sounds," which is chock-full of stories, at least in my mind. I may be imposing a narrative, because I listened to this CD when I left for college, and to me that album was about leaving home, going on a new adventure: "I once had a dream, so I packed up and left for the city." But that may have nothing to do with what Brian Wilson intended. Still, let's talk about R.E.M.'s progression toward stories.

PB: When we first started out, I know that Michael felt everything in rock and roll had been done. We didn't want to write a love song, or anything that could be construed as a love song, for 10 years.

ML: What would you say your first love song was?

PB: Well, it wasn't a love song. "The One I Love" is an anti-love song, but since "the one I love" is in the title ... we used to play it, and I'd look into the audience, and there would be couples kissing. Yet the verse is, "This one goes out to the one I love/A simple prop to occupy my time." That's savagely anti-love. But that's OK. People perceive songs as they are. People told me that was "their song." That was your song? Why not "Paint it Black" or "Stupid Girl" or "Under My Thumb"?

ML: But that's pop music -- Noel Coward's line about the amazing "potency of cheap music."

PB: It doesn't even matter, the value of the music. I've teared up at commercials.

ML: What commercial made you tear up, for God sake?

PB: The Pepsi commercial where the woman is depressed and the monkeys bring her a Pepsi. It was because of my life at the time, and not the commercial, but that's what pop music is, too. It's not necessarily what's written or even implied. It's what you as the listener take out of it. Which is why I tend to think songs that are less specific are more powerful.I've never cried at, say, "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll" by Bob Dylan, which is a very specific song. I know that there's a woman named Hattie Carroll, and she was killed. But it was reportage. It never made me tear up, but other songs have. It's all about what you bring in at that moment, so narrative is not necessarily the most important thing.

ML: Do you think that works in literature? One of the things they tell you in Writing 101 is to make things more specific rather than more general. Is literature more powerful if it's less specific?

PB: Absolutely not. I think literature is a chance for someone like me, who's led a more or less middle-class life, to look into someone else's heart and mind and be shown a world that I don't know. When I was a teenager, I read a lot of African American literature -- "Soledad Brother" or "Invisible Man" or Richard Wright, and there were things that completely changed my life. The strength of literature is its specificity.

ML: Why do you think R.E.M.'s music has become more specific, more story-driven?

PB: I think Michael was trying to find a way on the early records to tell a story without telling a story. As he got a little older and became more comfortable doing the singing and being a public figure, the idea was still, "I'm not going to tell a story where someone says this is a song about ... " Now as a writer Michael likes to take a character he imagines and write from that perspective, tell a story in the first person. But it's not necessarily his perspective.

ML: When I saw R.E.M. in Seattle in 1999, I think Stipe introduced "The Apologist" by saying, "This is a story about ... " And "All the Way to Reno" is a pretty classic narrative. It reminds me of "That's Not Me" from "Pet Sounds," not musically or lyrically, but conceptually.

PB: "Reno," I'm sure that is sung from the perspective of a 17-or 18-year old girl. It has to be. I've never asked him.

ML: And "That's Not Me" is sung from the perspective of a like-minded 17- or 18-year-old boy. Bret Easton Ellis has said as you get older, you become more interested in narrative, in stories with a beginning, middle and an end.

PB: Part of it is definitely an age thing. When I was in my 20s, and my band was in its early years, we were capturing an experience, not necessarily thinking about the chain between the past and the future, which is what a novel is. As you get older, your life is less about capturing the moment and more about understanding what you're doing.

ML: Has Michael's progression or change as a lyricist been influenced by literature?

PB: I don't know. The only way I can say our band was directly influenced by literature was when we did our first big American tour in 1982, before our first EP came out. We were in a van, touring to nobody, playing songs no one has ever heard. I managed to find all three of the Flannery O'Connor short-story collections, and every member of the band read every one of the words in those three collections on that tour. We passed them around, pages falling out, putting pages back in, reading them with a light on at 2 a.m., going from San Antonio to L.A. I felt really strongly that it changed the way we thought about writing. I don't know why, because she writes about faith and the problems of faith in a world where there is no faith, and Michael wasn't writing linear dialogues, but when we made our first record, I think we all thought Flannery O'Connor was something we would emulate in some way.

ML: I can be listening to a particular CD or song that evokes a mood or a moment in a way I admire, and I will try to get the same effect into what I'm writing. Has the reverse ever happened to you? You're reading a novel or short story, and it works for you so well, you think you want to get whatever it is that works for you into your music? Do you take what you read the night before into what you write?

PB: All I can say is I certainly hope so, which is why I try to read good stuff.

ML: OK, other books that have affected you as a songwriter?

PB: Denis Johnson.

ML: Why?

PB: I don't know why. "Already Dead" changed me when I read it. I can't say why or how, but I felt like a different person at the end, in the same way that when I was a teenager, Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow" completely moved me.

ML: One of the things music can do for writers is that we can take a song, an idea in a song, or even a character in a song, and expand it into a story, or a screenplay, or a novel. Another thing music can do for writers is set a tone for whatever we're working on that day. Most writers I know listen to rock, but Kerouac talked about how he would do that with jazz.

PB: What do you think Faulkner did?

ML: I think he just drank.

PB: But do you think he put the 78s on? He probably wasn't a Glenn Miller guy. Was he a Duke Ellington guy? I bet Faulkner played records at his house. I'd be really shocked if he didn't play gospel stuff from the '30s and '40s, if he didn't listen to blues music.

ML: What about Hemingway?

PB: My feeling is he didn't get much pleasure in life. Having read his books, I doubt very much that he had an ear for music. I bet he loved music in the hills of Spain, dancing to it, no matter how good or bad it was. But did he go home and put on records? I doubt that very much. Now Fitzgerald, he found joy in life.

ML: And in drinking. It kept him from writing.

PB: He's another of those people who never really found what he needed to do in his life. I re-read "The Crackup" about a year ago, and there's a great quote, and I paraphrase, about how when I was young I wanted to be Byron, Don Juan, J.P. Morgan. All that is burned away. I'm a writer now, nothing else. Literature is something written out of deep understanding. Music is written more out of the intuitive. When I read great books, I refuse to think they just made it up as they went along. That's what happens in rock and roll.

ML: There are passages that come to you as a writer that feel like they wrote themselves. However, you unfortunately have to write the other 500 pages or so yourself.

PB: The good stuff occurs because you work really, really hard, spend your entire life immersed in one thing, and if you're able to let yourself go completely for that time it takes to do anything great. My superstition, though, is songs that are there that aren't written. I think every songwriter feels, "I'm really good at my craft," but the good songs pop up, and you always like to feel they come from somewhere other than inside of you.The night I wrote "Losing My Religion," I was drinking wine and watching the Nature Channel with the sound off and learning how to play the mandolin. I had only had it for a couple nights. I had a tape player going, and the tape has me playing some really bad scales, then a little riff, then the riff again, and you can hear my voice say "Stop." Then I played "Losing My Religion" all the way through, and then played really bad stuff for a while. I woke up in the morning not knowing what I'd written. I had to relearn it by playing the tape. That's where songs come from for me, someplace where you're not really thinking about it.That's what's different from literature. You can't sit down and let "The Great Gatsby" happen. The songs I write are four minutes long. You can disconnect from wherever you are for four minutes and find it. I really doubt you can do that for months with a novel.

ML: There's something that's always struck me as a little off about Peter Buck and Michael Stipe. Traditionally, the songwriter is thought of as the more intuitive, and the lyricist as the more lettered. The reality is you're the more lettered, and Stipe is the more intuitive.

PB: Michael has this amazing ability to absorb things. He doesn't sit around and read tons of books, but he does read. He probably reads more political literature than I ever have.

ML: It's funny, I know lots of novelists who wish they were rock stars, but I don't know any musicians who wish they were novelists.

PB: Hey, I'm raising my hand right here!

The poster has moved with me now for 15 years. It's part of a series for America's public libraries, featuring a very young-looking R.E.M., with Peter Buck, Mike Mills, Michael Stipe and Bill Berry each holding their favorite books. I'd love to know what Stipe is holding, but, like his early lyrics, the title is obscured. Peter Buck holds an Oscar Wilde collection, and that, along with a mention of Wilde in a Smiths song from the same era, "Cemetry Gates," conspired to send me to the library. Peter Buck's a tremendous reader. His Seattle home is filled with almost as many books as records. So we asked Buck to dine last week with his friend Mark Lindquist, whose music-infused novel "Never Mind Nirvana" gets like few others the profound way music can be not only a soundtrack to life but also a road map. We asked them to talk about how artists and musicians are influenced by each other. -- David Daley, Books Editor

[3norachas]

irremediable • lee know (II)

« irremediable - not able to be repaired or corrected »

pair: lee know x reader

genre: maleficent au, angst, enemies to lovers

warning: cruelty, swearing

PART 1, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5

masterlist

The incident became a ruckus to every corner of the kingdom, allowing the news of the cursed child to travel around the village. Out of paranoia, the new king ordered his soldiers to go after the evil wizard in the woods. It was a complete failure and the more they failed, the more paranoid the king has become.

So he sent a few of his men to travel around the world to search for a cure and a way to kill the dark entity.

Overwhelmed with paranoia, he gave his child into the hands of the fairies in secret.

He told them to take her away for sixteen years and a day.

“Take care of her, please,” he beg to the fairies.

“Worry not, we’ll take care of her and raise her until the day has come,” Seungmin assures, his mind set on taking good care of the child and protecting her. They took her to an isolated area in the woods and they stayed in a beautiful cabin.

What they didn’t know was that they were followed by Jisung.

On the other hand, Minho enjoys the suffering of the king. He watches as soldiers try to take down the barrier of thorns he had built to protect the magical forest. They kept failing miserably and every now and then would they have new deaths.

Other than watching them suffer, Minho had it in himself to watch the fairies from afar, his eyes set on the baby. 

“Why won’t she stop crying?” Hyunjin frowned, stopping his half attempt at making the girl smile.

“I think she’s hungry…” Felix trailed.

“Then feed her, dumbass!” Seungmin groans, wiping the sweat on his forehead while he digs the ground.

Felix was stupid enough to bring her raw carrots.

Jisung watches from a tree, shaking his head in disbelief.

“The child will starve to death at this point,” Minho spits out, his hands covering his ears in annoyance behind a big tree.

This continued up until at night, while the three fairies where asleep.

Jisung, being the sweetheart he is, sneaks into the cabin with a banana in hand. He jumps into the crib, feeding the baby slowly and cooing at her cheeks.

“I know you’re there, Minho.” If looks can kill, Jisung would’ve been dead by now. The small squirrel gave a pleading look at Minho, who surrendered and enchanted the crib to rock slowly. The baby look at Minho with a oddly fascinated look.

“She looks ugly.”

“No she’s not! She’s adorable,” Jisung coos.

Minho gave a scary look at the child, who merely smiled at up at him. “You should be scared, beasty.”

With that being said, he left Jisung to his own thing.

What none of them expected was for the dark wizard growing a soft spot for the child as he watches her grow.

“Y/n! Where are you!?” a panicked shout came from the purple fairy, searching the woods upside down in hopes of finding the child. She just turned one year old this year and she’s already stubborn. It didn’t help that Seungmin was in his human form and can’t fucking fly.

Y/n giggles, trudging away from Seungmin’s shouts of despair.

And there she finds the wizard himself, his back turned to her and his hands doing magic on a damaged part of a tree. Right then and there, she awed at the power he held and admired the beauty that his magic held. With the excitement she’s feeling, she let out a shriek with her hands clapping.

Minho, with a startled look, yelp with his hands in front of him ready to fight.

“Beasty!”

Jisung stifles a squeak-like-laugh at the cute nickname as he sat a branch away from the two.

“Hello!”

The girl giggled, walking close to Minho, who starts making shooing gestures.

“No, no, go away.”

That didn’t stop her from raising her hands at him.

“Up, up.” Minho would be lying if he said that didn’t made his heart melt. Reluctantly, for him, he gently take the child in his arms, letting her admire his features up close. He couldn’t help but feel his cheeks redden at the adoring look she’s giving him.

“Pretty.”

“I’m not,” he shakes his head, “I’m scary.”

“Lies!”

She pouts, cupping his cheeks with her hands, squishing them. She giggled, clapping her hands together.

“You’re very pretty!”

Minho gave a defeated sigh, although his teary eyes says otherwise. From a distance, he can hear the worried call of a certain fairy. He carefully sets the complaining girl down.

“Go on, you’re guardian is looking for you.”

“Bye bye!” she hugs him one last time before she goes over to the worried young fairy, who screams in thankfulness when he sees her. Minho watches as he takes her away.

“I spy a soft Minho.”

“Shut up.”

Ever since that incident, Minho watched her from afar, keeping an eye out on her when the fairies are being reckless or when Y/n gets adventurous and ventures in the woods. He didn’t show his face to her though.

Jisung often comes to play with her.

And this kept up until she grew up as a wonderful adventurous young lady.

One autumn afternoon, the young lady ventures around the woods in a blue cloak given by Hyunjin. She carries a basket, filled with flowers, until she sets her gaze on the thorned trees.

Near the wall of thorns resides a camp of soldiers, burning down the trees.

Minho watches from inside, Jisung on his shoulder.

“Is that Y/n?”

“What is that beast doing out here?” Minho’s eyebrows furrowed, watching how Y/n observes the wall of thorns, “I wonder…”

Jisung looks at him when he trailed, confused.

But his confusion wasn’t answered, as the soldiers found Y/n and started to creep up to her. Minho fumed, his hands glowing emerald.

“Bring them to me,” he orders to Jisung, who jumps down and with Minho’s magic he shifted into a big wolf.

Minho blew a few green sparkle at Y/n that made her sleep.

“There’s a wolf!”

“Get your swords!”

Jisung bares his fangs and growls. Minho appears behind him, eyes glowing emerald and he raises his hands. Just like that, all of the soldiers lifted up and randomly flew at each other. With a last flick of his wrist the soldiers flew away with their falling death at the tree of thorns.

Jisung shifted back to his form.

“Asshole! I told you I don’t like being turned into a dog!” he pouts.

“It’s a wolf, dummy.”

“It’s the same thing!”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes! They’re dirty and cruel and prey on squirrels!”

Minho strides to where Y/n has fallen before making her float, his eyes softening at her sleeping face. I wonder.

With that he pulls her to him to the direction of the thorned wall, opening up to make way for them. He leads them inside the magical forest that surrounds his cabin, filled with flying little creatures that glow in the night, flower figure fairies that flew with little wings, anything. Minho hides behind a big tree, leaving Y/n to rest on the ground near the glowing lake.

Her eyes flutter open.

“Wow,” she stands up, her eyes wide in awe at the magic around her.

One group of fairy flower flies around her, throwing little petals and their scent filling the air. Y/n laughs in joy and Minho couldn’t help but think it was the most beautiful laugh he’s ever heard. He bask in her beauty, his heart warming up from her smile and for once, he wasn’t thinking of revenge. He was at peace.

The fairies didn’t stay though for they have seen Minho’s shadows and flew away in fear.

Y/n looks at his direction.

“I know you’re there,” she says with a curious look.

“Come out.”

“Then you’ll be scared.”

“No I won’t. I’m not afraid of you,” she exclaims with a confident smile.

Minho reveals himself, exposing himself to the light and his eyes waver at the eye contact Y/n holds. How can one girl affect him like this? He’s never been scared to be judged by someone but why does he feels so nervous when it comes to her?

“I knew it was you!”

“Pardon?” Minho tilts his head at her beaming smile, letting out a more beautiful glow than the lake.

“You’ve always been there for me, in the shadows, behind the trees and from afar.”

“How can you say so?” it’s obvious that this amuses Minho.

“Every time I get myself in trouble something always happens with magic. It was always a green sparkle and I’ve always been fascinated with how you use it,” she excited rambled on and on.

If only she knew what his power brings.

Jisung jumps on a low branch, revealing himself to her.

“And you! I know you!” she beams at the small squirrel.

Minho flicked his hands and Jisung shifted into a human. He wears a cute gummy smile on his face while rubbing his hands together,

“Hello Y/n!”

“Hi!”

“I’m called Jisung! And this grumpy man is Minho!”

Ever since, he would often take Y/n inside the wall of thorns letting her explore the beauty of the magical world. He would watch her play with the creatures of the forest with a soft smile on his face before she would take a seat beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. Every time she falls asleep he would bring her home, floating her to her room and down her bed. He’d stay for a while, sitting down beside her while caressing her cheeks no matter how creepy that is.

“Why does it had to be you…”

Standing up, his eyes glowed into a deep green, his powers filling the room.

“I take back my curse, let it be no more.”

He can feel the power resisting him and pushing him away. The pain was starting to form at the back of his head and he can feel his blood boiling from the force of the power. If he keeps this up, he’s going to end up killing himself and the force of his energy will cause a big impact that will affect the whole area. That means killing Y/n and the three fairies.

“I take back my curse, let it be no more!”

This curse will not be reversed even by me.

With the last surge of energy, he falls on his knees, eyes trembling and blood seeping from his nose.

“Why did it had to be you?”

He cried, his hands reaching up to grip the soft hand of the young lady before him.

“Hurry up… find your one and only.”

“Hurry up and find true love.”

[armageddon-generation]

Making an arc out of series 11 (and other fixes)

I DON’T MEAN TO HATE - I genuinely really liked this TARDIS team, Jodie has completely won me over and the episodes not written by Chibnall were great - but this series does have several frustrating Issues.

One recurring problem I see people having is that the finale didn't feel climactic because there was little build up.

A few ways to fix this :

The Woman Who Fell to Earth

Just improve Tim Shaw - alter his design so he’s not just a black robot-man - take the tooth idea and do something like the Sycorax?

Change the ball of electricity into an actual creature - then establish Tim Shaw’s abusive relationship with it, taking out his viciousness on this helpless slave, because he’s a coward

This mster/beasty relationship would give Tim more character and make him easier to hate

It also establishes the running theme of the Stenza altering/controlling other creatures - it gives them a distinctive ‘gimmick’ like Dalek extermination and Cyberman conversion, which we can expand on in The Ghost Monument, The Tsuranga Conundrum and The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos

The Ghost Monument

Establish the threat of the Stenza - ravaged worlds better (show us the flesh eating water instead of telling us about it and have more time with the Remnants instead of those boring robots)

Do this by giving Desolation (which is out of orbit) short, irregular days (5 hours, 3 hours) so the threat of the Remnants is always there - build tension and character at day (the “Mum told me to jump” speech) and have scary chase sequences during the two night sections

The Stenza using Desolation to create weapons of mass destruction reminds the Doctor of the Time Lords' tactics in the Time War, (that's why she's so interested in the planet) and establish that Yaz wants to know what happened to the Doctor's people/family

One of the racers should've had their planet stolen, not just enslaved, to establish the mystery of the planets Tim Shaw is stealing

Show their desperation by having the racers actually compete and fight with each other, with Team TARDIS stuck in the middle. Both characters believe they deserve the prize because they've suffered and lost more.

Yaz separates them, directly paralleling her intro scene in episode 1 - from parking disputes to this.

GIVE 13 HER BIG MOMENT because I waited until literally the last line of the series to understand where she's coming from. 13 is the joyous explorer, she doesn't have time for wallowing in angst, there's too much universe out there to see.

Something like: "It's not about what you've lost, that doesn't make you better than him! All that matters now is what's ahead. What are you going to do if you win, where will it take you? Have you even thought about it? Because maybe, just maybe, if you stopped pitying yourself you could make something good from this. Yes, you're family is gone and I'm sorry. But just because they're dead doesn't mean your life should stop too. Move forward."

This helps Chibnall's 'Fresh Start' mandate because it establishes 13 as completely different from RTD and Moffat's Doctors (especially 10 and 12) who felt a sense of superiority because of their past pain. It also ties into Ryan and Graham letting go of Grace.

The TARDIS went to Desolation in the first place because it wanted to help the planet (remember she has personality) - 13 realises this once they reunite.

We've previously established the TARDIS can change the weather, and it's had thousands of years on Desolation to prepare calculations etc, so have a sequence at the end where they show off to the new conpanions and terraform the planet, reversing the Stenza's damage

Post - credits scene / stinger - while the companions explore the TARDIS, show 13 viewing the footage the TARDIS collected over thousands of years of the Stenza violating the planet - she doesn't look happy, but then Yaz calls her for a tour and she puts on the bright smile again.

Yaz

I think Team TARDIS in series 11 was meant to be split between the familial relationship between Ryan and Graham, with the standard swept-off-her-feet almost-romance between the Doctor and Yaz in the background. They didn't focus on Thasmin much because I think Chibnall assumed 'oh, we've seen this before'

SHOW THE GROWTH OF YAZ AND THE DOCTOR'S RELATIONSHIP. IT SHOULDN'T BE ROMANTIC (YET) BUT JUSTIFY THEIR DEVOTION TO EACH OTHER

Because Yaz is a police officer have her 'investigate' the Doctor's past - especially her family, as that's an important part of her character and theme in the series as a whole. Since Chibnall loves Classic they could mention Susan

This makes 13 telling Yaz about her Granny in It Takes You Away an important milestone in their relationship

Yaz to Ryan about the Doctor's family:

Thirteen's character

People complaining Jodie isn't unique enough kind of have a point, but the seeds are there:

I like the idea of 13 being easily distracted and careless ("I'm almost going to miss you." / "Hi Yaz, forgot you were there."). Her being slow to trust contrasts nicely with Jodie's infectious enthusiasm. Have Yaz's role be keeping 13 focused, grounded and on-track when she needs to be.

Also! I've seen the idea thrown around 13 is only acting all bright and chipper. It'd be really interesting if she prioritises Team TARDIS' emotional wellbeing over her own

This way we have parallel arcs - Yaz gets the Doctor to open up as Ryan gets closer to Graham

13 and her Sonic

13 is meant to be a tinkerer, but we don’t see much evidence of this outside building the Sonic

So she wears a tool belt

The belt is TARDIS-like (bigger on the inside) and 13 pulls things out of it like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag

13 pulls bits of scrap out of the belt and cobbles things together when she’s excited / nervous / talking (pipe cleaner helicopters! Catapults! Wind-up mice!)

This distinguishes her from 11, who also did a lot of hand-flapping and is already superficially similar personality-wise

More floofy/fly-away haired 13! It makes her seem more energetic, constantly in motion, which really suits her.

The popular headcanon is that the Sonic works randomly (one episode it can do things, the next it can’t) because over the years the Doctor has added so many features they’ve overloaded it. So now she’s got a new Sonic, 13 is constantly fiddling with it/adding new features

Address the NuWho Doctors’ over-reliance on the Sonic - 13 keeps expecting the Sonic to do things but because it’s new hardware, it can’t, and she has to solve problems on her own

A running gag where 13 goes ‘watch this, gang’ and the Sonic does something completely opposite what she wanted and now they have to improvise

In the finale the Sonic finally works properly and 13 uses it to beat Tim Shaw

Occasionally (in an episode opening) 13 makes weird machines without knowing what the fuck they do:

13: [holding up a small device] Does this look familiar? Do you know what it is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. Apparently I used Gindrogac. Highly unstable.

Yaz: Doctor…

13 : I put at button on it. Yes. I want to press it, but I’m not sure what will happen if I do.

Ryan: [runs for cover]

13 and Graham

In Series 11, 13 always seemed annoyed by Graham (“Don’t kill the vibe”) and never seemed to grow past it.

Suggest 13 is living vicariously by helping Graham reconnect with Ryan – the Doctor first started travelling in the TARDIS to connect with their grandchild, so this is 13 coming full-circle

13 notices how good and Granddad Graham is trying to be for Ryan, and as he grows braver she comes to really respect him.

Graham becomes her confidant – he’s the only one 13 shows her age to, and she helps Graham begin again: They talk about how the Doctor has had to reinvent and regenerate themselves again and again because the universe needs them – much as Ryan needs Graham. 13 has lots of experience moving past loss, and they support each other through the pressure of being responsible (for Ryan and Yaz respectively)

Ryan

Have the Doctor and Ryan's relationship develop - in The Woman Who Fell to Earth they suggested 13 would take a nurturing parental role for him ("That's the kind of thing Grace would've said") but it's not really built on. All the pieces are there (him being immature and using weapons in the beginning)

Ryan and 13 have a sibling-like relationship - she teaches him about life and the universe - have 13′s use of slang (skillz with a z) come from Ryan having fun teaching slang to a socially inept alien

also maybe a reccuring joke about Ryan going for a fist-bump and 13 patting his fist, that pays off by the finale

Does anyone remember Ryan and Yaz went to Primary school together? Capitalise on that. When Ryan talks about how his Dad left him in Tsuranga and It Takes You Away, make it explicit that she understands because she saw Ryan go through it as a kid, and remembers what it did to him emotionally

A common complaint about Ryan is that he rarely actually does anything - he just stands there and says "they're gone!" or "it's a spaceship!". So have this be part of his character. In the early episodes have Yaz be the most active companion (allowing her to develop!), with Ryan (nervous about his dyspraxia) in the background, and have him become more and more active and competent as the series goes on.

Episode Order

For this to work I suggest shuffling the episodes - 1, 2, 8, 4, 6, 5, 7, 3, 9, 10

10 60-minute episodes to fit the new stuff in and give the large cast more room. The Woman Who Fell to Earth (60 minutes) was Chibnall's best script.

This way series 11 gets the same screen time as the 12 episode Capaldi series

Instead of 2 trailers for the next episode (one pre and one post credits) insert a post-credits stinger hinting at arcy things

The Witchfinders (We’re Going on a Witch-Hunt)

Swap Rosa and The Witchfinders around. We can get the 'female discrimination' thing out of the way faster (it felt weird they didn't explicitly address it until episode 8). Yaz and 13 can bond over their shared oppression (this is the first time the Doctor realises what history is like for her female companions - for the first time, they are of equal status and must work as a team).

Also have Yaz, the POLICE OFFICER, be personally offended by the miscarriage of Justice in the Witch Trials, and defend the victims - relate it to her experience on the job (maybe touch on domestic abuse?) instead of the cliche bullying story

The villains being escaped convicts from a prison also links to Yaz's character and job - contrast her applying police protocol to the Morax (she never had a case this big at home!) with 13's "fuck it, time to wave the glowy science stick' attitude - Yaz forces 13 to be disciplined, 13 forces Yaz to think outside the box and bend the rules

Arachnids in the UK (Spiders in Sheffield)

Still episode 4 - this needs a complete rewrite IMO, but for starters make the Trump parallel less explicit and cringey

Address Yaz has left her job as a police officer behind - she goes into work (with 13 as her ‘consultant’) and learns about people disappearing - we meet the spider expert at the Police Station, (because Yaz’s  neighbour being the only victim AND working in that spider lab was too big a coincidence) 

The expert is being ignored because the disappearances are higher priority, so low-ranking Yaz gets stuck with her

The spiders have spread all over Sheffield, not just the one flat and all around Yaz’s building

Have Ryan, Yaz and the Doctor go to meet Yaz’s mum at the hotel while Graham is mourning Grace in their nearby flat

When the spreading spiders reach Yaz’s family, Graham goes to help them, showing how brave 13 has helped him become.

We now have two tension-filled scenarios:

A home invasion subplot where Graham helps Yaz’s family keep the spiders out of their flat. Use this to flesh out and make her sister and Dad likeable - Graham comforts them when they’re scared, calling back to Grace's last line "promise you won't be scared without me" - 13 has helped him!

13 and Co being chased around the hotel (PROPERLY chased - the spiders use webs to cut off corridors and herd them around like rats in a maze)

YAZ GETS TAKEN BY THE SPIDERS - this is the moment 13 realises how attached she is to her new friends. She and Mrs Kahn work together to go and save Yaz from the Spiders’ nest (eliminating that annoying Jackie Tyler “you’re endangering my kid” trope) while Ryan uses his music to draw the spiders away

13 gets to see Mrs Kahn’s maternal affection and we see her desire for family. Ryan’s music draws the Spiders back and saves Graham and Yaz’s family

When Ryan and Graham reunite it’s very emotional - Ryan saved Graham’s life - ‘looking out for each other’

Finally have the Doctor save the Spiders by using the TARDIS as an Ark, instead of leaving them to die - call back to Planet of the Spiders and drop them off there

Since she's at home, once they’ve saved everyone have Yaz do girly things with the Doctor (because they haven't been able to rest since episode 1) - maybe nail painting? Only 13 starts using the varnish as finger paint. Also! I like the idea of them choosing 13's earring together bc 13 has no clue about jewelry

Demons of the Punjab

This should be episode 5, because it's connected to 4 by Yaz's family and together they provide a nice rounding-off of the half of the series more focused on her

The Thijarians have had their planet stolen, not just destroyed (it would still kill everyone)

That way when we see the hologram of what happened to their planet we establish the threat of what will happen to the Earth if Tim Shaw wins in the finale

(the powder they have can still be the stuff left over afterwards)

Also it's weird that Yaz goes to see her Grandmother, who she discovers remarried, and Ryan doesn't react at all.

Ryan has nothing to do in this episode, and because we're putting Punjab earlier in the series, Grace's loss is fresher. Give him a moral dilemma: He wants to go back and see her when she was young (and with her first husband - implicitly rejecting Graham) like Yaz is seeing her Gran

After seeing what happens to Yaz's family, and seeing Graham's caring reaction to Prem, he follows 13's advice and gives up on seeing Grace again - he's content with Graham

He bonds with Yaz over the episode and warns her not to take family for granted. At the end Yaz takes him to meet her Gran in the present day ("I was lucky enough to know yours")

The Tsuranga Conundrum (The Good Doctors)

Have the medical ship be a war ambulance helping victims of the Stenza's conquest

The general on board has fought the Stenza

Cut her brother and the 2nd nurse, they're unnecessary - have the ship be understaffed because of the strain the Stenza are putting on the medical service, give the engineering role to 13

The asteroid field they have to fly through (which we should ACTUALLY SEE) is not just an asteroid field but the wreckage left behind by another missing planet.

Replace the P'ting. It may be cute but the vast majority of people thought it was ridiculous. Instead have it be a Stenza weapon left over as the ship is flying through an old battleground - it can still be small and destroy the ship from the inside out, but its design can be more threatening and it can be more sympathetic (it was experimented on/created to kill, it isn't evil)

13 tries to pilot the ship first but can't because she's wounded. She has to rely on Team TARDIS and delegate the usual ‘Doctor’ roles. She faces off against the tactical P’ting, trying to fix the ship as fast as it disassembles it, while Yaz runs around trying to catch the thing, and Ryan and Graham take care of the passengers

The sonic STAYS BROKEN so 13 has to do this all by hand

Once 13 is told the Stenza are still out there hurting people, introduce a subplot over the next 3 episodes before the finale where she's sneaking off at night to go and help fight them (without the others knowing, because they're too emotionally biased)

The next episodes (Kerblam!, Rosa) gradually shift the focus onto Ryan's growth as he becomes more active

It Takes You Away

Add 13 and Graham - now close friends - talking about grandkids, and put more emphasis on 13′s reaction to the abandoned girl

This sets up the Solitract turning into Susan, the Doctor’s granddaughter, instead of the frog at the end

You don’t require previous NuWho knowledge to know about Susan - she has barely been mentioned.

Have her be played by the actress from An Adventure in Space and Time, like David Bradley as the First Doctor 

This way we directly address the theme of grandchildren and family

The Solitract is a link to 13's childhood and family. It's also another omnipotent consciousness she can relate to (think 9 and Bad Wolf - "That's what I feel, all the time!"). Finding that and immediately letting it go must be traumatising

Have a quick scene of Yaz catching 13 crying, but she quickly covers up because Graham just saw Grace and he's distraught

Finale (Battle Phantoms)

When they arrive on the battlefield 13 accidentally reveals she's been helping fight the Stenza offscreen (which is how she knows about this battle - one of the ones she was too late for)

This lie infuriates Graham - she's been blocking his revenge for ages

BIG EMOTIONAL MOMENT

13: Maybe I am a liar, and I promised I wouldn't be, but that's because I know what it's like, Graham. To want to hurt the people who hurt you. How that anger burns like fire, like a supernova. And it took me so long to get over it, so long to move on. Whole lifetimes wasted hurting and hating. I didn't want that to happen to you. No one deserves to be broken twice.

This gives Graham a legitimate reason to go against 13 without announcing his intention to kill Tim Shaw like an idiot. It also plays up 13's hypocrisy, which was touched on in the original script

What was the point of 9 distress calls if they're all in the same place?? Use this pportunity to split team TARDIS up and showcase how they've grown as individuals before bringing them back together (Ryan and Graham, Yaz and 13) for the 3rd Act

Graham being on his own drives up the tension over whether he'll kill Tim Shaw - Ryan gets there just in time

Explicitly call back to the moment in The Ghost Monument when Ryan used a gun - highlight how far he's come because of 13, talking Graham down

Get rid of the robots, because they weren't in The Ghost Monument now, and they turned the intimate story into an action movie.

Over the series we've established the Stenza genetically engineer other creatures into weapons (the Remnants, the P'ting, the cable ball in The Woman Who Fell to Earth). Replace the robots with scary leftovers from the Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos (because that title was irrelevant to the original episode) - Think the Hand Mines from The Magician's Apprentice

Have each of the missing planets throughout the series be named - that way when we discover the stolen planets in the finale there is emotional impact because their being stolen has caused so much suffering.

This way not only are the Stenza a lot more threatening because they are present throughout the series, there is more build up to seeing Tim Shaw again

Also, the subplot about returning the planets is more emotionally impactful - the Doctor is retroactively providing closure to lots of the side characters from the series

Finally the threat to Earth is much greater - the companions have seen what losing your planet does to a person emotionally, and they fear that

WHEN THE EARTH IS THREATENED CALL BACK TO YAZ'S FAMILY SO WE FEEL SOMETHING

Also the continuing thread of missing /lost planets could link to Galifrey, raising 13's emotional stakes

Multiple people have complained the plot thread about the planet attacking you psychically and erasing your memories went nowhere - when 13 and Yaz take those devices off they get slight headaches

Instead have the planet actually attack them - 13 and Yaz have to remind each other of their memories and their families - exposing Yaz to a rare snapshot of the Doctor’s lonely childhood on Galifrey

This gives Jodie the opportunity to do some SERIOUS DRAMATIC ACTING, and finally opening up about Galifrey to the whole TARDIS team at the end gives an emotional climax to her relationship with them, as well as the relationship between Ryan and Graham

The Fam line is cute, but we need ACTION to evidence this growth - this way throughout the series we’ve established how much family means to 13, how much she wants that, and Yaz saying “I’ve always liked fam” means so much because it means she understands 13 as a person

Resolution

Change how the Dalek got split.

Medieval humans killing a Dalek on their own is ridiculous and makes itr less threatening. Instead, have the Dalek be a scout from the Time War, looking to attack Earth to distract the War Doctor. The Doctor, furious, rushes over and helps the human armies divide it, to stop the Time War spreading to his second home.

We’re told this legend by the archaeologists, positioning the Doctor as a vengeful wizard. We can get a flashback with the War Doctor as a dark silhouette on a hill or something.

This makes the “it’s personal” stuff even truer

Use the archaeologists and dig site to expand on the Dalek race’s impact on humanity, because they’ve visited Earth dozens of times. I’m thinking wall paintings depicting the Dalek Shell as a Divine war chariot, and the mutant as a Cthulhu-like God

This way we’re really throwing Team TARDIS in the deep end - they are immediately aware of the number of times the Doctor has fought the Daleks, which is completely different to the rest of series 11, where 13 was encountering everything for the first time

Change the junkyard Dalek shell.

The Scout goes to a storage facility where pieces of its shell are stored. Now this place is owned by the modern incarnation of the cult we’ve set up who worshipped the Dalek in ancient times (their logo is the same symbol found on the wall paintings)

Instead of killing the gay (AGAIN), have the company staff welcome and exult the Dalek - only for it to turn around and kill them all, establishing its racial superiority complex. (This is something Chibnall glossed over - his Dalek wanted to conquer like anyone else, not exterminate)

The company has collected the remains of dozens of different Dalek models from invasions across the show’s history (we still have the parallel to 13 making her Screwdriver)

The Dalek reassembles itself not using Earth metal, but into a Frankenstein’s monster welded together from different Dalek designs (classic 60s, Imperial, Special Weapons, Time War, Supreme, Progenitor)

When the Dalek and 13 face each other this one Scout now represents the entire Dalek race, every type the Doctor has ever fought. The idea of it stitching itself together is also a nice parallel to Regeneration

Destroy the Dalek by separating all the different sections - use Ryan’s dad’s technical skills but don’t have all of Team TARDIS rush the Dalek without getting killed - them pushing it around immediately removed any threat.

Emotional Impact

Seeing the remains of all the Daleks the Doctor has killed at the storage facility and hearing the stories of the War Doctor makes Team TARDIS reconsider 13

Police officer Yaz realises she is devoted to a murderer, and considers whether she wants to get closer to such a person

To make the Dalek more impactful to both Team TARDIS and the new audience that has only watched Series 11, when Graham asks why it’s so dangerous have 13 say something along the lines of “the Daleks are my Stenza”

Graham realises why 13 stopped him killing Tim Shaw in series 11, and (considering his Dad must’ve fought in WW2) gains a new level of respect for her

Don’t have Ryan immediately forgive his Dad and declare that he loves him - set up that he’s willing to give his Dad a second chance as an arc for series 12 - the push and pull between Graham and Ryan reconnecting with his Dad

The Scout is trying to complete its original mission, bringing the Tile War to Earth - 13 has to  literally defend her freinds from the ghost of the War and finally let go of her violent past (personified by the War Doctor). She’s also letting go of the deified, Messiah-like version of herself (represented by the wall paintings of the Doctor’s battle with the Dalek) that RTD and Moffat loved

13’s arc is worrying learning about the Daleks and their toxic relationship will change the way her friends look at her, because she’s been trying to protect them from this side of her life (it’s revealed she’s been deliberately avoiding places she’s been before because she’s looking for a fresh start)

By now Ryan and Graham are getting along fine, they’ve avenged Grace’s murder and Ryan is now talking to his Dad. 13 worries everyone has outgrown her, and they’ll leave

Have a scene at the end where Yaz comforts 13 and assures her she won’t abandon her - 13 doesn’t need to save their lives for them to want to travel with her - it’s their job to save her. They are here because they care about her. 

This way we get a new emotional climax of 13′s emotional arc and reaffirm the status-quo for Series 12

Improving Matt Smith’s era here

[just-here-for-tozier]

it's long but worth the read

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency is a story about a normal orphan: Okay so at first this may seem like a bit of a stretch but I stayed up all night last night just thinking about it and holy shit does it make a lot of sense. So let's start with the obvious one: Blackwing represents the orphanage. After his parents die (more on that later) Svlad gets sent off to an orphanage and he hates it there. So do the other kids. He feels like the people that are supposed to be taking care of them don't understand them. They make them do things they don't really want to/can do and punish them when they don't do it. In real life it probably means they send him to bed without dinner or even slap him and this translates to the electrocuting in Blackwing. It's said in the show that it's been fifteen years since Blackwing closed but I think that, in real life, it'd been fifteen years since Svlad entered the orphanage. The Spring family: I think that the Spring family represents his actual family. He, his mom, his dad, and, wait for it, their dog. Svlad's mother got ill/had an accident and was rushed to the hospital where she later died (more on that later) and his father, unable to deal with the loss, killed himself. The family dog, in the show represented by Lydia, was shipped off to some other family while Svlad goes to the orphanage. The soul-swapping thing represents how Svlad's best friend was the family dog, and she seemed almost human to him. The time travel aspect is him finally coming to terms with what happened. It's all a loop. It was always going to end that way and there's nothing he could've done (especially considering that he couldn't have been older than two) Farah and Todd: Farah and Todd represent his new family who, after fifteen years, adopt him. Farah is how a boy that ever really had a mother would see his mom. As a hero. A fighter. The one that gets shit done. Farah/his new mother is the protector. Todd on the other hand is the father. At first he doesn't really get along with Dirk/Svlad but eventually he comes around and learns to love him. Todd/his new father helps him with homework and things like that which is why he is the assistant. The Rowdy 3: The Rowdy 3 represent two things that are an interesting combination that still fits them very well. They represent both Svlad's constant longing for a family that loves him unconditionally (the way the Rowdy 3 love each other) and what he could've been. The Rowdy 3 are also orphanage kids (at least Vogle is, the Rowdy 3 are the only family he's ever had) but they went down the stereotypical path of anarchy and destruction. It's what Svlad could've/can become and it scares him. He constantly feels the pull towards them (represented by the feeding thing) but doesn't want to go with them. Amanda: Amanda is one of the first friends he makes outside of the orphanage. She's nice, a little weird, and seems like a decent kid at first. I think pararibulitis is just a disease and doesn't hold that much power. When he's just met her, she gets along great with her parents (also represented by Farah and Todd) but when the truth comes out that they lied to her, she runs away and goes into a life of crime (once again represented by the Rowdy 3). After that, Svlad doesn't feel the pull as badly anymore. The Men of the Machine: So I said I'd come back on how Svlad's mother died and this is it. She either got in a car crash or became extremely ill and was put on life support. Rainey was the name of the doctor that used to be in charge of what happened to her but when Rainey kept annoying Svlad's father, he requested a new doctor. Enter Gordon Rimmer. A simple doctor who thought he was amazing (aka the whole Lux DuJour thing) who eventually decided that Svlad's mother was beyond saving and a decision had to be made. They ended up turning off her life support (aka the Machine) which finished her. The bald Men of the Machine represent the nurses at the hospital. The Kitten Shark: The orphanage had quite the mouse problem so they got a bunch of cats. Ever since he was little, Svlad has seen these cats ripping mice in half and brutally killing them (like the Kitten does) Blacwing's constant attempts to get the subjects back is the idea that they all carry in them to rebel against their new families and just go back to what they know. And then he does end up going back and season two starts. Personally, I think season two is all a dream or a delusion. Obviously season one was an upscaling of his adventures with his new family. When they can no longer have him (because his new dad/Todd gets extremely sick and they don't have the money to take care of their son and pay the hospital bills) he gets sent back to Blackwing and that's when he cracks. Obviously we start S2 with more Blackwing, once again representing his time there, but then he escapes into a car. And what's so interesting about that is that, for an orphan, cars are absolute freedom. When his new parents picked him up at the start of last season they probably did so in a car. That's when it truly starts. They get found by Hobbs and Tina, two cops that don't seem too strict. I think they are two workers at the orphanage who really don't mind when the kids break a rule or two. Suzy Boreton and the Mage are both workers that are horrible towards the kids. Friedkin is first used to represent the head of the orphanage until a new one takes over, Ken, who's way less chill towards the kids. Priest doesn't actually exist. He is made up by the kids as a code word for what happened to someone. He is death. So instead of saying that their family is dead, they say they were taken by mister Priest. Therefore he is their reason for being stuck in Blackwing. The few Blackwing subject who weren't brought in by Priest have parents who are in prison or abandoned them but aren't dead. Panto and Silas actually represent Svlad's homosexuality which the people that run the orphanage are strongly against (which becomes the feud between the families). And all of this is just his illusions while in the orphanage until he finally fully breaks. And that is when they go to Wendimoor. He created Wendimoor in his head, with all the characters that come with it that I haven't mentioned yet. Beast is a little kid who gets really attached to Svlad, Wygar is a security guard at the orphanage, Wakti is a teacher at the orphanage. Once they're in Wendimoor, every single main character represents him. Amanda is his want for knowledge, which he gets from Wakti. Todd is his need for adventure and closure. And Dirk is how he is in the real world. Secluded. Alone. Down. Okay let's backtrack slightly. The house within the house is what he sees while he's in the orphanage versus what it actually looks like. Since he's trapped in his own head, he sees bright colors but a very sinister threat. But the actual orphanage is run down. Dirty. Very obviously ominous. Amanda and Todd's powers are even more representation of how Svlad handles ill people. Amanda was already ill when he met her, which is why she is the first to learn magic. Todd, however, only became ill later on, which is why he learns it later. Once again the Cardenas family is his own family. The mother who dies in a car. The father who dies because of the mother only this time in a different way. Last time he killed himself because Svlad's mother died. This time, Svlad's brain begins to see it more like it's all his mother's fault. Leading me to think that maybe she was drunk driving and that's why she crashed. Arnold represents a trusted person that gave Svlad away to the orphanage. And Svlad Cjelli himself is the boy. He created Wendimoor. Dirk Gently is The Boy. Project Moloch being in a coma is once again representing how Svlad is to the real world. Distant. The season obviously ends with the boy ruling over Wendimoor again but all our main characters going home. I think it concludes Svlad's struggle to get out of his own head. He successfully escapes but Wendimoor is still there in his head. The Rowdy 3 and Amanda taking in Beastie tells me that the little kid that grew fond of Svlad also went into crime. Amanda, Todd, Mona, and Dirk finally starting up the agency is Svlad entering the real world for the first time as an adult. The agency is the job he got when he was too old for the orphanage. Assistent is the psychologist that helps Svlad escape his own mind. Hence him helping Dirk escape Blackwing. Panto and Silas finally being together is his acceptance of his homosexuality Tina and Hobbs are two kind workers (like I said) and they stopped the Mage/wildly less kind worker by starting a law suit against him. It cost them a lot of money and time (the injuries and hospital) but eventually they did it. All of the projects that we know of represent a part of Svlad: Dirk Gently represents him for the most part. His wanting to learn, his homosexuality, him as a person and his place in the world. Bart is how he wants to just let go and follow life where it takes him. Do what feels right. But deep down he knows that could lead to a lot of destruction. The Rowdy 3 are his call to crime and need for a family Mona is his adaptability and how he wants to fit it and will change himself to do so Moloch is how he is in real life during S2 All the projects apart from Bart being free at the end of S2 represents how he finally put away his destructive behavior to live a normal life as an adult in the real world. With the people he loves (friends he made on the job, represented by Todd and Farah) by his side. So Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency is the entire history of a young orphan boy who, in the end, gets his happy ending.

[aion-rsa]

Ranking Every Krampus Movie by Krampus Lore Accuracy

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Christmas horror movies have long been one of the best parts of the festive season, and over the past decade interest in the festive beastie known as the Krampus has been on the rise. 

But who is the devilish creature? And which of the eleven feature films (of vastly varying quality) that have taken their name from the Krampus mythology are most similar to the actual ancient folklore that inspired them? 

2020 has been a year of horrors so it seems only fitting to do a deep dive investigation into this most important of Christmas horror queries so you can celebrate this year’s Krampusnacht in style and accuracy! 

The Origins of the Krampus

So the creepy European tale of the Krampus goes a little something like this: Krampus accompanies St. Nick (that’s right, Santa Claus) on his gift giving rounds, but instead of offering rewards for good kids he punishes bad ones. It adds an enticing little bit of nastiness to the classic Christmas traditions which makes it all the more understandable that it’s become such a large part of the cultural consciousness over the years. 

So what is the actual history of the Krampus and where did it first spring from? Encyclopedia Britannica gets into deeper detail, explaining that Krampus “was thought to have been part of pagan rituals for the winter solstice. According to legend, he is the son of Hel, the Norse god of the underworld. With the spread of Christianity, Krampus became associated with Christmas–despite efforts by the Catholic church to ban him. The creature and St. Nicholas are said to arrive on the evening of December 5 (Krampusnacht; “Krampus Night”). While St. Nicholas rewards nice children by leaving presents, Krampus beats those who are naughty with branches and sticks. In some cases, he is said to eat them or take them to hell.” 

Lovely. 

We wrote more about Krampus traditions here.

Mother Krampus 2: Slay Ride A.K.A. Lady Krampus (2018) 

Though it’s titled as if it’s a sequel to our next entry–which is also not about Krampus–there is little to no connection between these movies. This film has no Krampus accuracy as it is not in any way, shape, or form about Krampus. 

What it is about is a group of women who are about to finish their community service but have one last task: to visit an elderly woman and check in on her before Christmas. Turns out that she’s not the weak old lady they were expecting and instead is a slasher who loves terrorizing families and young women. Like I said, there’s no Krampus here and it’s also not a supernatural film. It is exceedingly strange, though, and features an OAP slasher suspect, which is rare. So even without the mythical creature this micro-budget murder movie might bring you some enjoyable Christmas horror chuckles during the festive season. 

Mother Krampus (2017) 

The reason that this movie is close to the very bottom of our rankings is simple. Mother Krampus isn’t actually based on the lore of Krampus at all and is instead inspired by another creepy Germainic folkloric figure known as Frau Perchta. Seeing as the Krampus is more well known, the filmmakers decided to misleadingly name this movie Mother Krampus. 

But the two creatures do share some similarities, hence why the simple but comedic OAP slasher Mother Krampus 2 takes the “prize” as our least accurate title. Frau Perchta is also not too fond of children and in the ancient myths surrounding her it’s said that “she flies through the night sky attended by an army of lost souls, including the demonic-looking Perchten, her army of servants who are visually nearly indistinguishable from Krampus. The only way to know for sure is context; Krampus rides abroad at St. Nicholas Eve while the Perchten tend more toward Epiphany, and the last three Thursdays before Christmas, also known as Berchtl nights or Knocking nights.”

This non-Krampus movie is at least a sort-of accurate version of the Frau Perchta legend and sees a town terrorized by a curse that was put on them by a woman (maybe) wrongly accused of stealing missing children. Now 25 years later, it seems like the Christmas witch, Frau Perchta, is upon them and is planning on stealing 12 children over the 12 days of Christmas. Scary stuff. 

Krampus 2: The Devil Returns (2016)

This incredibly low-budget sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil (more on this in a minute) centers on–like so many bad straight-to-streaming horror sequels–some useless cops. They’re searching for missing children who it seems have been stolen by Krampus, so this at least gets one point for a classic Krampus trope. 

There is a naughty list in this film too, although it’s actually held onto by the grimy mall Santa who plays a truly horrible role in this movie that is utterly unpleasant to watch. Generally this movie has little to no Krampus accuracy with most of the plot following the useless cops as they struggle to battle a gang of low level violent criminals including the grimy Santa Claus. 

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Culture

The Anti-Christmas Spirit of Krampus

By Tony Sokol

TV

Doctor Who: The Weird Anomaly of the 1965 ‘Christmas Special’

By Andrew Blair

That gross Santa actually poses one of the biggest issues to the Krampus accuracy as the movie is more concerned with making a bleak festive crime flick ala Silent Night Deadly Night–but nowhere near as good–rather than making a movie about a scary folkloric figure. That’s why this one ends up near the bottom of our accuracy list, not just because it’s really not about Krampus at all but also because it’s gross, exploitative, and is more concerned with lazy “shock twists” than the story of Krampus. 

Krampus Origins (2018)

Seeing as this movie begins in WWII with Nazis trying to summon Krampus and American soldiers stealing the Krampus summoning machine, this is surely the least accurate… but shockingly, no. 

The film follows the young inhabitants of an orphanage who end up with the Krampus box. From this viewer’s perspective it’s definitely a movie that probably began life as a non-Krampus film and had the folkloric figure hamfistedly added at a later date because Krampus barely makes an appearance. Also, does this title imply that these are the origins of the Krampus? Because that doesn’t make any sense, seeing as the box summons him from his ancient world, so he clearly already had origins there that are not explored here at all!

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Movies

The 21 Best Christmas Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher and 5 others

Movies

The Christmas Chronicles 2: Who or What is the Belsnickel?

By Natalie Zutter

Despite the fact this is mostly a not very entertaining film about ye olde depressed kids in an even more depressing orphanage, like most of our other entries the 2018 film does stick to two key Krampus lore points: the Krampus (briefly) featured here does love to hunt kids and has big scary horns. His arrival is also heralded by an enigmatic child called Nicholas, which seems like it’s a reference to Krampus’ connection to St. Nicholas, but maybe we’re being too generous. 

Krampus Unleashed (2016)

Apparently the idea of the Krampus just appearing each Krampusnacht and terrorizing local kiddies is a bit too much for filmmakers to stomach as this is the second movie in our list that includes a very specific plot line about Krampus being trapped in the past and then freed by Americans. Here, though, he’s freed by a group of prospectors who at the open are looking for the mythical treasure of Eric Klaus. They come to a very gnarly end at the claws of the old Krampus who is looking very much like a goat-man here which is a step up from the usual red horned devil representations we’ve gotten in some of the other Krampus movies. 

Alas, this is otherwise pretty light on Krampus-accurate lore as we spend most of the runtime with a family having some Hallmark-esque Christmas gathering in a desert ranch. For most of the movie the Krampus seems to be controlled / represented by a magical orange shiny rock which doesn’t appear in any lore we’ve seen but is a smart way to keep the budget low.

Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013)

A voiceover gives us a slightly confusing rundown of Krampus history as we venture into this micro-budget movie. Apparently in this world Krampus is St. Nicholas’ brother which is definitely not the case in any Krampus lore we read about. But we do get to see Krampus putting a naughty kid into a sack and then trying to drown them which is both brutal but also pretty accurate for Krampus lore. The creature also has some solid claws and has a naughty list which he uses to find the bad girls and boys that he has to kill. Krampus: The Christmas Devil is also the only movie in our list that specifies that Krampus has just one night to do his terrible deeds. 

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TV

DuckTales Season 3 Episode 18 Review: How Santa Stole Christmas!

By Shamus Kelley

Movies

How Darlene Love Brings the Holiday Spirit and Soul to The Christmas Chronicles 2

By Tony Sokol

In this film’s defense, it does have more Krampus action in its opening than some of the films on this list do in their entire runtime, and it makes use of some good weird out-of-license Krampus art during the opening and credits. 

But after the first few minutes we get sucked into a boring crime story about (you guessed it!) useless cops trying to find kids that the Krampus has apparently stolen. When Krampus does pop up in brief moments throughout the film, he’s killing anyone who gets in his way, losing the spirit of the Krampus Christmas. Plus, the original folklore doesn’t have any mention of cops let alone an entire Krampus duology of low-budget movies centered on them. 

Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)

This one begins with a solid retelling of the Krampus legend which makes it one of the most Krampus-heavy offerings in our list. According to this flick, Krampus is as old as time itself and as the grandma warns her child “as Santa rewards good children, Krampus punishes the bad.” Which is all very true! Congrats creepy, horror grandma! 

Interestingly, this film adds in a weird Krampus voodoo doll which is created by a young girl so she can wield the power of the monster against those who do her wrong. In a non-lore but still entertaining twist, the Krampus here is essentially a Jason Voorhees-style killer who just murders everyone including beginning with an abusive couple who’ve been having some pre-marital sex. On the naughty list you go!

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Movies

New Netflix Christmas Movies in 2020 Ranked from Best to Worst

By Delia Harrington

Movies

13 Best Blumhouse Horror Movies Ranked

By David Crow and 3 others

The big change from the legend is that Krampus is controlled and summoned by a little girl who uses the monster to exact revenge on adults who harm children. So ironically this one would have been better under the title Krampus: The Avenger. Revenge movies are fun, but even though there’s some good “what is Krampus” wiki moments, that big twist means this one slides down the Krampus accuracy rating pretty quickly. 

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

This freaky and festive anthology is a whole lot of fun and includes an interesting visual representation of Krampus. To really get into this entry would be to ruin its secrets, but on the surface it’s about Santa Claus as he battles his elves and Mrs. Claus who have been turned into nightmarish zombies. During the finale, Santa battles the Krampus who is definitely one of the best and most interesting versions that we’ve seen on screen: a true representation of the half-goat half-man creature that we’re all desperate to see. 

This is a really cool Christmas anthology that utilizes the Krampus in an interesting way that adds to the story, even if when all’s said and done we can’t say that this is a wholly accurate Krampus movie. 

Krampus: The Avenger A.K.A. Krampus vs. Vikings (2019)

This historical horror entry is at moments surprisingly “accurate” (well, at least as far as Krampus movies go). 

Set in England during 820, the film centers around a Viking troupe trying to take over the castle of the British king. But their plans are waylaid by a demonic horned beast who lives in the forest and comes each “Yule Day” to kill families. This isn’t technically correct as Krampusnacht is usually on December 5th, the night before St. Nicholas Day on December 6th, plus Krampus is usually most interested in stealing/harming children rather than whole families. But early on in the movie we see Krampus talking about the naughty list, which gains the movie another accuracy point, and visually the practical effects heavy Krampus looks relatively like the creature we all know and fear, although it’s arguably more like a standard devil than a half-goat half-man beast. 

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Movies

20 Christmas Movies for Badasses

By Michael Reed

Movies

Best Modern Horror Movies

By Don Kaye

Just like the majority of this list, Krampus the Avenger is a super low budget movie that is mostly concerned with the easy to shoot action of the Vikings and the royal family and less so with the Krampus. In fact, I would go so far to say this likely could have been a random Game of Thrones style knock-off that added a few Krampus reshoot moments… but that’s just a guess. Either way, the miniscule but present Krampus storyline is more accurate to the lore than usual until it gets lost in a strange wishing / vengeance / murder twist which makes little to no sense. 

Krampus (2015)

A modern Christmas horror classic, Krampus is truly a joy to watch. With an all-star cast featuring Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, and Allison Tolman, this dark comedy is all about that titular creature even if it strays a little from the classical lore. 

When a family gathers for Christmas, their stress, tension, and bitterness around the season begins to seep into their celebrations which comes to a head when the young son tears up his letter to Santa and throws it outside. It’s a mistake that will change all their lives forever as it summons the Krampus, a huge blizzard, and a nightmarish evening they’ll never forget.

This Krampus looks just how you’d expect the beast too, with huge horns and ghoulish goat hooves. But a big change in his motivations means that this Krampus is sent out to punish those who have lost the Christmas spirit, which is very different from dragging bad kids to hell or whipping them with sticks. Saying that, the entire family is objectively very badly behaved and really deserves the punishment the Krampus gives them. The final twist also strays from Krampus lore but is really creepy and overall this is a magnificent example of a Krampus tale. 

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Ironically, the film that feels closest to the origins of the Krampus doesn’t use the word Krampus once. It’s also one of the best films on our list, so if you haven’t seen this cult horror hit now is the perfect time. Rare Exports does feature a horned beast but here he’s known only as Santa Claus and is only ever seen frozen in a block of ice, which to be honest makes him even scarier. Directed by Jalmari Helander, this creepy classic begins when the local people of a small Finnish province which is thought to be home to the original Santa Claus, Joulupukki (which translates as Yule Goat), discover something incredibly strange. Their entire town was built on an ancient burial ground used to trap a strange ancient horned creature…

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

The legends of Joulupukki and Krampus are incredibly similar, though the most interesting difference–which the film plays on–is that rather than being St. Nick’s helper, Joulupukki is the original Santa Claus. While we don’t get too deep into Krampus lore here, there is an evil horned beast, kids in peril, multiple evil Santa-type figures, and some good chilly Christmas horror. If you want something that lives up to the creepiness of the Krampus, and adds lore and depth to the story you already know, then Rare Exports is the ultimate Krampus movie pick. 

The post Ranking Every Krampus Movie by Krampus Lore Accuracy appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[housebeleren]

Theros Beyond Death Limited: Power Commons

Welp, it’s that time. A new set is upon us, and so it’s time to evaluate it for Limited. This post will go over the best Commons in Theros Beyond Death, that will make up the bulk of Draft & Sealed play. Let’s jump right in

White

I bring this card up for two reasons. For one, I do think there are enough Enchantments in this set (and enough with Flash) for this to do real work. It gives all Enchantment Creatures an ETB tap, which is pretty potent, and exactly what White needs to push through damage in the midgame. But the second reason I bring this up is that it is a Common White creature with more than 3 power! There have only been THREE cards in Magic’s ENTIRE HISTORY that had more than 3 power at Common, as printed without mechanics or counters. And the last such creature was printed in Scars of Mirrodin. This fact alone makes the unicorn a standout card, but it also means that Magic R&D may actually be taking the issue of White’s power level seriously, not just for Constructed formats, but also for Limited. I’m a fan, and I think it’s legitimately a decent card. 3.0/5

Luminous Bonds is always good, and this one comes with additional utility to deal with creatures that still have problematic abilities down the line. Also, some color combinations can sacrifice for value, so this potentially helps get around that. Being an Enchantment is also extra useful in this format, and as an Aura, it can be found with Heliod’s Pilgrim and can be returned with cards like Archon of Falling Stars. I’ll start high on this. 3.0/5

I love that this is at Common, after Rally for the Throne was stuck at Uncommon in ELD. Enchantments with Flash are great, and will help you trigger Constellation with ease, and the added utility in the late game makes this a strong card for most White decks. 2.5/5

I couldn’t not mention this card. It’s definitely maindeckable, but there will be situations where it isn’t serving you, so don’t hesitate to board this out, but I’d basically always start with one. I’ll reevaluate after playing the format a bit. 2.5/5

It’s a bit costly, but Instant and the little lifegain boost seem fair. There are a lot of big beasties running around in this set, especially given that Ferocious is a theme on some cards (R/G in particular). I’d pretty much always start with one, and consider boarding extras in if I see lots of targets. 2.5/5

White seems to have done really well, with a lot of removal at Common. Even though some of it is situational, it gives the color a lot of room to board and flex as needed. There are some decent Common fliers as well, so I think White is shaping up pretty well, compared to some previous sets.

Blue

I always like these effects. Again, being an Enchantment gives it extra utility in this format, so I’d pick this more highly than in other recent sets. It even deals with Gods, once they turn on, which is important (if we learned anything from War of the Spark). Plus the name and art are A+. 3.0/5

I normally don’t rush to these cantrip/filter style cards in Limited, but I think this one is super good. First, casting spells on your opponent’s turn is a theme for Blue in this set (especially paired with Red), and this is cheap enough to be able to do something on your own turn, and hold this up for that purpose. Second, it’s another Enchantment, which in this set can be a combat trick with the right triggers. Third, it has the potential to dig you really deep into your deck, and that early game/late game utility is super useful. I’ll always start one of these. 2.5/5

I love this little guy. Wind Drake is a little anemic these days, but adding Flash goes a long way to making this exciting again, as a surprise blocker or even just a way to trigger your “opponent’s turn” triggers. Seems solid. 3.0/5

Honestly, I’m a little worried about Blue. Very few of the Commons seem really strong on their own, and so many of them being context-dependent is a little concerning. We’ll see if the synergies are tight enough to make up for the lack of raw power this time around. There are some other decent fliers at Common, so worst case it has those.

Black

It’s expensive, but unless this format ends up way faster than I anticipate, this is going to be the spell you most want to have against a bomb. For Sealed, I’d give this a 3.5 or maybe even a 4.0, because you are almost guaranteed to run against a God or some giant Rare creature with Escape. In Draft, it goes down somewhat, so I’ll split the difference and give it a 3.0/5

Depending on how fast the format ends up, it’s possible that Mire’s Grasp ends up better than Final Death. In B/W or B/G, I might actually pick this over the plain kill spell, since those colors have options to search for & recur Enchantments, potentially allowing for some pretty gross value. I’m starting pretty high on this. I’d still usually take the first copy of Final Death first, but I could absolutely see this being the better choice once the format shakes out. 3.0/5

Raise Dead is never super exciting, but Raise Dead with Flash that also triggers a major set mechanic is a lot more appealing. That, plus the mana flood protection makes this pretty solid. I’ll always start one. 3.0/5

I put these two together because they serve a similar purpose. In the B/R deck in particular, these will be solid outlets to feed sacrifice fodder to and get some value. I can imagine the Lampad being better in Draft, while Spark Reaper, I mean Soulreaper is going to be great in Sealed. Either way, I think they’ll both be playable. 2.5/5

Black has some great removal, and seems like it’s got some pretty solid value at Common. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up a pretty strong color.

Red

Hero of the Games seems like Red’s strongest Common creature to me. There are enough pump spells & Aura’s in the set that it shouldn’t be hard to get some triggers out of this, and the fear of that can make combat very tricky for your opponent. It could end up worse than I expect, but I’m going to start with the assumption that it’s solid. 2.5/5

I think people may underestimate this at first, just because it’s an Aura and the +1/+1 is minimal. But really, it’s Sorcery removal, and that’s something I’ll basically always play. 3.0/5

This being an Enchantment makes it worth being a 2 mana Shock, and again, the extra late-game utility is real. Always run this. 3.0/5

Red also makes me a bit nervous. It has some decent burn, but very few of the creatures strike me as particularly strong right off the bat. I’ll give it a try, but it feels similar to Blue in that respect.

Green

One mana Deathtouchers are always solid, and I’d always run this. It holds off attacks on the ground surprisingly well, and for surprisingly long. Just don’t grab tons of these, as there is no Rabid Bite in this set. 2.5/5

Like Revoke Existence, I think maindecking one of these is completely reasonable, especially in sealed. It also has the added utility of shutting down Escape creatures, so my hunch is most games will have multiple targets for this. Side it out if you need. 2.5/5

I love this for removal for Green. It helps make sure your creature survives its fight, while leaving it with a little bonus for later, and triggering Constellation. Seems strong and most decks will want one or two of these. 2.5/5

We’ve come a long way from “Bear with Set’s Mechanic”. While we still get those too, I’ve really been liking this trend for green getting. Now we have “Boar with Set’s Mechanic”, and I’m kinda all here for that. (See Fierce Witchstalker, Bloom Hulk, etc). (And yes, I know the Boars were 5 drops, but it works better than “Elephant with Set’s Mechanic.) This will be great, and is definitely Green’s best Common. 3.0/5

Green seems... middling, at first glance. It has some decent removal and a few solid creatures at Common, but nothing that screams ridiculous to me, which is a good thing. My guess is Green will be good, as usual, but not feel busted. Hopefully.

The Rest of the Commons

The remaining cards are the ones that didn’t make my top picks per color. Rated out of 5.

Daybreak Chimera - If you can get this down for 4 mana, it’s great. I’ll start pretty high assuming you can do that. 2.5

Flicker of Fate - Cute protection against removal, and since it can hit creatures you don’t control, can also work as Aura removal. That said, I’m expecting this to be more of a sideboard card, since ETB effects, while they exist, are not a major theme of the set. 2.0

Glory Bearers - I could see this going higher or lower, but for now, I’m treating it as average filler with the small bonus of triggering constellation. 2.5

Heliod’s Pilgrim - This new art is FIRE. So here’s the thing, this fetches Dreadful Apathy, which is pretty sweet, but that’s really the only White Aura at Common worth it. There are two at Uncommon. With a couple of removal Auras in your deck, this goes up to a 3.0. With one or zero targets, I’d move this down to a 2.0. So... 2.5

Hero of the Pride - In the dedicated Heroic deck, this goes up in value. But in most decks, it’s pretty mediocre filler. 1.5

Indomitable Will - Flash makes this decent as a combat trick that sticks around. Best in R/W heroic, but playable in any deck with Enchantment payoffs. 2.0

Karametra’s Blessing - I like this a lot, and am glad to see that White is getting this effect, since Green has been taking it a lot in recent years (and doesn’t need it). Most of the time it’s a solid trick, sometimes it’s a full counter. I’d try running one, but don’t go nuts. 2.0

Leonin of the Lost Pride - Will usually trade, and occasionally take out a pending Escape card with it. Solid filler. 2.0

Nyxborn Courser - Each color gets one of these, and they’re all about the same level of playable. This helps with Devotion in dedicated White decks, and is an Enchantment when that counts. S’aright. 2.0

Pious Wayfarer - You have to be really deep on Enchantments for this to work. I’d mostly pass it. 1.5

Rumbling Sentry - This would be way better as a 4/5. But, at 3/6, not much is getting through the Scry is a reasonable bonus. I feel like White would have had to pay 6 for this a year ago, so progress is progress I suppose. 2.0

Sentinel’s Eyes - Creepy demon eyes aside, this is... vaguely playable. Escape takes it from complete garbage to actually passable, and also is a way to enable repeat Constellation triggers after trading it. Worth a try in heavy Constellation decks, but I’d be wary otherwise. 1.5

Sunmane Pegasus - A bit smaller than I would like, but evasion seems rarer in this set than normal, so it’s probably decent. 2.0

Transcendent Envoy - Auras tend to be cheap anyway, so the ability doesn’t do a lot. I’d run this more as a Constellation piece if I was short on filler. 1.5

Brine Giant - It shouldn’t be too hard to get this to 5 mana, at which point it’s a solid deal. If the format ends up really fast, this will go down. 2.5

Chain to Memory - I really wish this were a cantrip. As is, I’d only run it in the R/U deck, where Instants are more valuable. 1.5

Deny the Divine - Good against bombs, good against Escape, good against Gods, makes this better than an average Counter. I’d consider one mainboard, especially in Sealed. 2.0

Eidolon of Philosophy - If the format ends up very slow, this could go way up. As-is, it’s mediocre Constellation filler. 1.5

Elite Instructor - Completely reasonable way to help smooth your draws and set up escape, if unexciting. 2.0

Memory Drain - I’m ready for Dissolve at Common, if they’re really trying to push power level at lower rarity. At 4 mana, this doesn’t quite make it for me. 1.5

Naiad of Hidden Coves - A 2/3 for 3 is weak, but passable, and as an Enchantment, this will be relevant filler in some decks. 2.0

Nyxborn Seaguard - A whole mana for one extra point of toughness over the White one is rough. I’d only run this in very dedicated Constellation builds. And maybe not even then. 1.5

Riptide Turtle - I mean, it’s better than Wall of Mist? 1.5

Sleep of the Dead - I get it, this is a “payoff” for the self-mill decks, by being able to tap stuff down over and over. It’s passable for tempo-based Blue decks, and can help push through an end game. 2.0

Starlit Mantle - If you have a bomb worth saving from removal, this could do work, but I’d rather have another generic creature if not. 1.5

Stern Dismissal - Unsummon is basically always playable, and this is better. I wouldn’t take it too highly. It’s more for tempo than control. 2.0

Thirst for Meaning - Draw three is big game, and I think running these will generally be correct for most Blue decks. You’ll typically have an Enchantment to pitch. 2.5

Towering-Wave Mystic - Not good enough as a milling build-around on its own, most of the time you’ll target yourself if you’re in the archetype. Outside of U/B or if you somehow draft the mill deck, I’d pass. 1.5

Triton Waverider - You want lots of Enchantments to run this, but its worst case as a Hill Giant isn’t ... super embarrassing, I guess. 2.0

Witness of Tomorrows - I liked Cloudreader Sphinx more, but this provides some late game utility and is an Enchantment. Most Blue decks will run it. 2.5

Aspect of Lamprey - This is the set’s Mind Rot, and I think it’s worse here than usual. Escape makes this a potential liability, and Lifegain isn’t really a theme, so I would generally only side it in against decks that can’t somehow get advantage out of it. Which is good, because I don’t want to look at it any longer than I have to. 1.5

Blight-Breath Catoblepas - I look forward to hearing people try to say this card so much. It’s not going to be too hard for this to be a 2-for-1, but you’ll need to be heavy black for it to be reliable. 2.5

Discordant Piper - Mostly a significant downgrade from Doomed Dissenter. But if you need sac fodder, you’ll take this and not complain. 2.0

Fruit of Tizerus - Magnificent pecs aside, I doubt this will work out very often. It’s possible the heavy control U/B deck will materialize with this as a real win con, but unless it does, this just isn’t great. 1.0

Funeral Rites - I like Read the Bones better, but this is decent, and fuels escape, so could be worse. 2.0

Grim Physician - Can take out a bear in combat or be sacrificed for value & take out an X/1. Probably only playable in R/B, and goes up in that deck. 1.5

Mogis’s Favor - I do like that you can use this to pick off X/1s, and the Escape cost is minimal. Probably not worth it in general. 1.5

Nyxborn Marauder - At least this one threatens real damage and can trade well. 2.0

Pharika’s Libation - I wish this cost 2 mana, but it’s still passable at 3. Definitely side this out against tokens though. 2.0

Rage-Scarred Berserker - Decently sized threat, and will probably push something through when it comes down. I’d try one in most decks. 2.5

Scavenging Harpy - If you can eat an Escape card with this, you’ve gotten value. Otherwise, it’s okay. 2.0

Temple Thief - I like these conditional evasion creatures Black has been getting. It’s filler, but sometimes it’ll do work. 2.0

Underworld Charger - Probably the best Escape Common in Black. Can’t block is a real concern on cards this size, but will be a good offensive threat. 2.5

Venomous Hierophant - 3/3 is the wrong size for Deathtouch, and the ETB doesn’t add much. 2.0

Arena Trickster - If you’re in the dedicated Flash deck, this goes up. Most of the time, I’d assume you’ll get one counter on this, at which point, it’s a solid playable. 2.5

Aspect of Manticore - One mana over Sure Strike gets you a power buff that sticks around, which is probably still playable. 2.0

Final Flare - If you have tons of sac fodder, this goes up. Otherwise, it’s decent removal. But you really want to eat a token. 2.5

Flummoxed Cyclops - We need the word flummoxed more. This is decent, and is a great on-curve threat that can sometimes hold off one small flier. 2.5

Incendiary Oracle - I like bears, and I like firebreathing bears even more. The exile clause is just some extra goodness on this already solid creature. 2.5

Infuriate - Apparently this is becoming Red’s trick going rate. Sure. 2.0

Irreverent Revelers - Most of the time, I’d skip this. Unless you see a Shadowspear or some really good Artifact target. 1.5

Nyxborn Brute - Shame there’s no Fling in this set. It’s big, but it trades down to almost everything. I’d rather it were a 6/4. 1.5

Oread of Mountain’s Blaze - Fire nymph, huh? I’m sold. This card is an effective early blocker and flood protection later. 2.5

Portent of Betrayal - 4 mana is a lot for this effect, even with Scry added on. And most of the sac outlets aren’t free either. 1.5

Satyr’s Cunning - Not an effect I want to cast once, let alone repeat, for tokens that can’t block. An engine, this is not. 1.0

Skophos Warleader - Decent stats for the size, but the sac payoff isn’t particularly worth it. 2.0

Stampede Rider - I like that this triggers off itself if you have it pumped up. Solid all around. 2.5

Thrill of Possibility - Most Red decks will want one. 2.0

Underworld Rage-Hound - In aggressive Red decks, this could be pretty good. It will trade at least once, sometimes twice. 2.0

Wrap in Flames - A classic at this point. Again, good for aggressive decks, and can help push through some damage. 2.0

Gift of Strength - This will be just as useful as it always is. 2.0

Hyrax Tower Scout - Grants one-time pseudo-Vigilance, and is a well-costed creature on its own. 2.5

Ilysian Caryatid - Mana dorks be mana-dorking. Helps with double & triple mana costs, and useful for ramp builds. 2.0

Inspire Awe - The chance of the board state making this unfavorable for you is real for a card that often isn’t worth it anyway. I generally would avoid this. 1.0

Loathsome Chimera - This will always trade once, sometimes twice, though these super asymmetrical stats really bug me on a Green card. Probably decent, all things told. 2.0

Nexus Warden - Without lifegain synergies, this is just as stall. Good thing this has Reach, so it at least can serve as a blocker against evasion. 2.0

Nylea’s Forerunner - A bit costly at 5 mana, but the trample benefit is decent, and it is an Enchantment. 2.0

Nylea’s Huntmaster - Apparently her Huntmaster doesn’t get to be an Enchantment. The ETB here is okay, but without Trample, is situationally useful. Still, it can threaten a lot of damage and force a trade. 2.0

Nyxborn Colossus - Probably the best of the cycle, this is the largest creature at Common and will pretty much own the board, besides being an Enchantment for decks that care. 2.5

Omen of the Hunt - The least useful of this cycle, unless you’re really in a Ramp deck. Still, ramping is good, and the same stuff applies about it being an Enchantment & having Scry. 2.0

Plummet - So there’s the dragon in this set. Just... dying. That’s coo I guess. Sideboard only, as usual. 1.0

Relentless Pursuit - Three mana is one more than I like paying for this type of effect, and Escape isn’t enough to make the Graveyard part incredibly useful. 1.5

Setessan Skirmisher - Essentially the “Bear with Set’s Mechanic” of this set, this is likely going to be playable most of the time, though it really could have been a 2/2. 2.0

Setessan Training - In a Constellation-heavy deck, this can do work, but I suspect lots of people will take these more highly than they should. 1.5

Skola Grovedancer - Mostly a 2/2 and will occasionally gain you a life or two. The self-mill is a poor way to fuel Escape unless you have something bonkers like one of the Escape mythics. 1.5

Altar of the Pantheon - Most of the time it’s a Manalith, but if you get lucky, it’ll be a Manalith that’s also a Fountain of Renewal. 2.0

Bronze Sword - Generic equipment seems less than great in this set. 1.5

Thaumaturge’s Familiar - The ease of casting this is nice, and the Scry is a good little boost. Not great, but playable. 2.0

Traveler’s Amulet - I like this. It’s a cute way to fix your colors and then fuel Escape, and given the number of double & triple colors in mana costs in this set, I’d usually run one of these. 2.0

Wings of Hubris - I mean, it’s pretty cheap. I think one copy is playable in the right deck. 1.5

Unknown Shores - This will be better here than it was the last couple times we saw it. With so many double and triple mana costs around, it’s useful to have a Land that can either flex you into your second and third colors, or help you double down on your first. I’d run one copy most decks. 2.0

And that’s it. One thing that’s nice to see is the spread between the Commons isn’t huge. i.e. there aren’t tons of awful Commons that nobody wants. At least not from my initial guess. We’ll see how the format shakes out.

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: Some "Theme Park Trip" Headcanons For More Modern AU Valice/Vemilicia

Inspired by the fact that I've gone to my fair share of theme parks, most recently Six Flags New England and Canobie Lake Park this summer (the latter just last Sunday, in fact!), and have very fond memories of taking vacations to Universal Studios Florida when I was younger:

-->As you might guess from the header there, I'm generally picturing these theme park escapades with Victor, Alice, Victoria, and Emily all going together. The rest of the headcanons work the same if it's a double date between two separate couples, or a group date with a polycule, so I decided to leave the possibility of poly open. Depending on the verse, Lizzie and Bonejangles would probably like to tag along at least once too.

-->Victor and Victoria are frightened of roller coasters at first, but Alice and Emily eventually tempt them to try one of the gentler wooden coasters (which obviously can't go upside-down or anything), and they end up enjoying that. They graduate up to steel coasters as time goes on, but I don't think either of them ever gets up the nerve to try a coaster where your feet dangle -- they like proper cars with seat belts and lap bars.

-->In fact, Alice is the only one who will go on the biggest and baddest coasters, especially the dangling ones. Emily's enthusiasm for the rides only goes so far, and -- well. She tries a couple of the more intense ones, and the resultant losing her lunch convinces her to stick with the coasters Victor and Victoria like.

-->Water rides are a favorite with all four -- again, Victor and Victoria need some coaxing to get on their first one, but they soon come to enjoy it. Though Victoria never breaks the habit of squealing really loudly when they hit the final big splash and get soaked. (The others think it's adorable.)

-->Victor actually quite likes those chain swing rides that rise up and whirl you around -- given how he's always wanted to fly, it's a good substitute!

-->They're all fond of spinning cup rides, especially when the theme is actual teacups. They'll often ride multiple times in different configurations, and sometimes have little spin contests where it's one pair versus another. (Victor's long arms make him a much-wanted partner!)

-->They definitely take every opportunity to load up on junk food! They each have staples too -- Alice likes getting a bag or tub of popcorn; Emily will get a stick of cotton candy; Victoria enjoys funnel cakes or doughboys, whichever they have; and Victor always gets a giant ice cream sundae.

-->Emily insists they always take a bunch of silly pictures in front of rides and at every photo opportunity. Alice makes a habit of kissing Victor in what she feels is the worst place to take a photo of someone kissing every time. (Victor puts up the occasional token protest, but he's actually got his favorite as his phone lockscreen.)

-->For a more "magical" universe -- remember the "Alice vs ALICE" fan-comic series where you had Disney's animated Alice hanging out with American McGee's Alice? One of the arcs was them visiting Disneyland, with one specific comic showing off AMA Alice's dress changing with each new area, much like it changed with the domains in A:MR. Given my love of designing new Wonderland outfits for Victor and Alice. . . I have a few outfit ideas in mind already, themed around Universal's Islands of Adventures in Florida (as that's the park I've been to with the most distinct theming so far):

1. Superhero costumes for the Marvel island (maybe Victor could have something with a spider pattern of some sort, since I've made enough jokes about him climbing as well as Spidey)

2. Either paleontologist shorts and shirts or a dress and suit combo with a dinosaur theme for Jurassic Park island (you know, scale-pattern cloth, maybe a fake tail in the back, some feather detailing to catch up with what we know currently about the beasties)

3. Harry Potter robes for the Harry Potter island, natch (I'm thinking Gryffindor for Alice, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw for Victor)

[malemblogs]

A quick rewind to the summer

While my blog might have been inactive this summer, I certainly wasn’t. With ‘Festival Season’ in our sites this May, I started working with a company called PTL who have standing contracts with a number of festivals around the country supplying the toilets for both arenas and campsites, as well as providing luxury toilets and showers at certain festivals, I began working, alongside my sister Tamara, with the festival site crew as a supervisor for the crew, affectionately known as ‘the penguins’ on the festival grounds. While I didn’t spend a lot of time onsite around production or during build and breaks, I still had my eyes opened and my mind blown seeing how much has to happen for a festival to happen, I’d compare it to a town being built easily. The toilets are a small part of what goes on, but an essential part of it, everything from the water, to the power to the roads and walkways have to be added to the site before anything can happen.

The first two festivals I worked at were both no camping events, which were the easier of the two, we had between 100 and 300 toilets on each site and were over seeing seven crew only, which for the most part was relatively easy, the crew had been split into groups and assigned toilet blocks to cover, and it was our job to ensure they had everything they needed, ensuring they got lunch and most importantly making sure the job was being done. In that group of seven we had a group of three lads (for lack of a better word), who tested and tried our patience every day for these two festivals, trying to find three young men in a crowd of 10,000+ was not an easy thing to do, especially when they’d taken their high vis off, we made it to the end of day having tracked them down and sniffing out their hiding spot, and got the job done.  I learned really quickly that some people don’t care if they have toilet roll or not towards the end of the night, I mean some people don’t even care if they have a toilet or not! Towards the end of the night at Field Day, we were severely understaffed, so it was one of those days I had to get stuck in and deal with the toilets myself, I have found condoms, knickers, used tampons, a portaloo where they’d managed to shit on the floor, a toilet that was wall to wall covered in shit, let me say, those units aren’t big, there’s about enough room to go in, sort yourself out, and leave again, you have to go a long way out of your way before you can poop on the floor. Field Day opened my eyes to just how disgusting people can be, and over the rest of the summer they didn’t let me down.

The first real festival I ever saw through from start to finish was Download festival at Donnington Park, while I have worked at festivals in the past, it was always as part of a backline crew and a matter of in that morning, set up, do the show, pack down and get back on the bus. This was a new kind of monster.  From the get go I knew that this wasn’t going to be anything like Common People or Field Day, we would be here for 8 nights, camping in tents, if it wasn’t for the fact the company also provided luxury showers and toilets for this festival alongside the portaloos, I’d have been a wreck by day 3.

This time round, we probably had the hardest crew to deal with out of all of the festivals but definitely also one of the most fun, jumping from seven to twenty-one, among them, the most difficult man I’ve ever known to work with, Rusty, a 32 year old kleptomaniac, ADHD suffering, manic depressive with tendencies to lie, who can’t be left on his own by recommendation of a doctor, who refuses to do what he’s told or asked unless he is watched and followed like a hawk all day, above and beyond everything he put us through that weekend, was the hour he vanished and when I did finally find him, he’d spent the hour helping a random punter get a large amount of drugs out of his body, I can’t fathom any reason a grown man would want to help anyone do that, never mind a stranger. Between Rusty and the rest of his friends, managing the staff at Download was one of the most stressful experiences I’ve ever had, but the rest of the summer felt like a breeze in comparison. After Download, my boss said to myself and my sister, ‘If you can manage Rusty, as effectively as Rusty can be managed, you can manage anybody.’ I haven’t yet found that to be untrue.

While I thought that Download was a new kind of beast when I got there, being blessed with luxury showers and only having to cover campsite toilets, honestly was a gentle introduction to the big beasty a festival site really is, the following festivals we worked at required our company to look after toilets in the Main Arena, Camp Bestival saw us covering the entire festival site, including staff toilets, and had us managing up to 30 staff at one time, most of which were between 17 and 21, surprisingly enough, while the younger crew did tend to sneak off more for a cheeky wee song here and there, I had the most trouble at one of these festivals with a middle aged couple called John and Theresa. They started off by sneaking their dog onto the festival site, and continued to be late very morning and then refuse to wear shoes while working in and around the toilets and who tried at every opportunity to tell you stories of their glory days. You go to any festival site and you look at the punters, you see festivals and the people there operate on a different set of rules, it’s almost like all normal social constructs go out the window, people really just do whatever they want, people like John and Theresa live their life by festival rules all the time I reckon.

Latitude was one of the most beautiful festivals I had the pleasure of working at this year, the woodland entertainment areas, the pink sheep and just the general atmosphere was lovely, however professionally Latitude was a bit of head melt for us, the toilets were just eating stock and on one occasion an hour passed before we were able to get stock to the blocks that required it, also because it’s such a big site, even on a buggy, getting from where our stock was to the blocks that needed them could take between 10 and 20 minutes depending on traffic. Speaking of traffic, on a stock run toward the end of the first working night here, going over a bump in the road, my phone fell out of my hands and proceeded get run over by one of the big gulpers, you know the truck ith the septic tank on it, and it crushed it to bits, even apple couldn’t fix it.  Despite the problems we faced, people seemed to think the toilets were well looked after and relatively clean, and two of the penguins ended up getting a £30 tip. It ended up being a fun festival and to top it off we also got a cheeky photo in with Dick from Dick and Dom.

It was also at latitude I gained a newfound respect for the portaloo, after a few drinks I thought it would be okay to brave the long drops, if you don’t know what these are, it is essentially a hole in the ground with, in this case, a long plank of wood with holes cut out, with a metal cage plonked on top like cubicles, I didn’t know there was no toilet roll provided, it was the last night of a 3 day festival and I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. If you’ve never used one, try and keep it that way.

Camp Bestival was one of the more interesting festivals I worked at production wise, it takes place just kind of in and around a village, and I often was on a main road on the buggy to get from A to B, not that I minded, because the festival was laid out like this, on the last night a friend of mine who lives fairly locally was able to make it onto our campsite and with the help of twenty-something penguins shrouding her from security, we smuggled her into the festival site itself, that night is a whole other story in itself.

At this point, it’s been a long summer, I’ve packed and unpacked my suitcase more times than I’d have liked to, and I was getting really sick of seeing it, it’s not the same as just living out of a suitcase, those little teasers of home and living like a regular person make it harder. And it’s feeling like this I leave for V Fest, the end of festival season is near and I can feel my bed. I didn’t like V Fest, it was a lot like Field Day, only younger, the number of children at this event was insane, I spoke with some of the security and drug dog handlers about the measures in place dealing with the punters and drugs, and all in all it was very lax, the general idea was they’re predominantly after dealers, but if they are alerted to a punter with a small amount of drugs, of any age, they confiscate it and it goes no further than that. After possession, it’s out of their hands. V Fest also cut the number of staff they wanted from us by 50, but didn’t cut out the corresponding number of toilets, so we were all stretched very thin, and didn’t have access to the buggy, meaning in a crowded site full of drunken teenagers, me and Tamara had to carry stock around, and also try to track down wandering staff. The women’s toilets at V Fest were beyond foul, women are a special kind of disgusting after spending a few days drunk in a field, I have been physically attacked by a grown woman over a roll of toilet paper, there was used sanitary items thrown around the cubicles, women opening the storage unit and throwing toilet roll around the main arena, I could go on but I feel as though the rest of the stories are too graphic for this kind of a blog, but I’ve seen more stranger bodily fluids at this festival than I ever wanted to, ever. The only thing I will say for working at the toilets on a festival like this, people feel sorry for you, we got free rides on the carnival rides, and as soon as people see the penguin logo, there’s discounts too.

Straight from V Fest we had 7 hours at home then onto Leeds, which was an absolute dream, as there were no portaloos involved, just the Seat of Luxury toilets, and the worst thing we had to face was the occasional chancer trying to get in without paying and the smell of the long drops next door. I got to see Eminem, who I spent my childhood listening to, we had the luxury toilets, got some free food, danced, sang, drank and generally was merry, of course though, as is my luck, after having such a great week, once it came to our journey home, we ended up stuck in Leeds for 4 more hours than we were meant to, at this point in the village all the food traders were gone, the water points had been disconnected, everything is dead and none of us had any food left, no more bottled water, not even any beer! It’s amazing how quickly a festival site managed to rip itself down, after weeks of building and work going into it, as soon as possible, it comes apart again.

Looking back on this summer, I notice now that because our bosses trusted us, we spent most of the summer left to our own devices for the most part, and personally the only other time I’ve been left to my own devices on a job is when I’m not responsible for anything else, being put in a management position without much previous experiences, especially as someone who struggles with anxiety, was one of the hardest things in the world I thought going into it, but it came so naturally once I was there and knew what I was going. Initially our boss said they were going to go with different candidates, people who’d worked for the company before and knew the festivals and what was expected, but just has a gut feeling about Tamara and I, and took a chance on us, and I think I can say it’s mutual that we’re glad they did. At each of these festivals, the head of the company and her son who acts as Sales Director as well as the Site Project Manager visited to ensure the job was being done up to standard, he ended up posting about myself and Tamara on his LinkedIn he was so impressed with how we were doing, especially as we were just students, myself without any experience of a festival beginning to end, and having never managed people before. Another thing I didn’t really think about before I starting doing this was how to go about motivating people, it’s a hard thing to do, motivating a group of tired people at the end of a festival to perk up and make sure they’re feeling good about it and making sure they’re coping well, especially those who’ve over indulged the night before, and being able to motivate them and help encourage them to work better is hard after they’ve spent several days in a field dealing with strangers shit all day, pun not intended. It wasn’t something I saw myself being good at but I ended up getting along really well with the penguins, while still managing to get them to respect me.

I know you’re not meant to pat yourself on the back, but I spent a summer completely out of my comfort zone, spent for the most part, in and around the waste of strangers, I can safely say if I never manage to smell another festival toilet block it will be too soon. Even after the many, many, many sleepless nights shivering, and being cold, and wet, and tired, and stressed out, I wouldn’t trade my shitty summer for anything, I learned a lot more about festivals than I thought I would doing this job, but even doing the toilets, if you use your eyes it’s crazy how much you notice going on at any one given time.  While I might not have gotten to see and be a part of the same side of the festival as my colleagues got to, when I do actually get to I’ll at least have the satisfaction of knowing I started from the bottom, and I’ll always be nicer to the people working the toilets. 

(You’ll be pleased to know there are no photos of the aforementioned toilets)

[markjsaterfiel66]

Hackbot in the Morning

I love coming in to work early; normally I get in around 6:45 a.m. Very few people are here at that time, and the ones that are? They get it. It’s about as close to freedom a working adult can expect.

On a particularly quiet morning very recently, I found myself thinking, “I’ve never made a bot with a Pi… isn’t that one of the things that everybody’s gotta do sooner or later? I wonder what it takes to actually get something up and running.”

So I decided that, with minimal effort and materials expended, I would give it a shot while there was nobody here to tell me otherwise – nothing fancy, just a platform that’ll drive around, to which I can ultimately attach more junk (it started with some junk reclaimed from other projects). Check the end of this post for a consolidated list of items used.

I started off with a Raspberry Pi 3 I mounted to an acrylic plate to try to give it some weight to hold it down when there’s a slew of cables stuck in it. I hit my pile of junk in my basement for more parts… and I came across this old project:

That there (above) is the remains of my “Little Dude” project I did a video for a while back, using servo wheels glued together as pulleys… good times, good times… Anyway, that’s a pair of gear motors (ratio unknown, whatever - let’s rock!) wired up to a TB6612 dual-channel motor driver good to 1.2A per channel. Sweet! This bot was just about building itself!

I figured could mount the motors and driver directly onto the acrylic with hot glue, although if anything got too hot, it would fall off. I decided to just really gum up the motors so any heat couldn’t melt all of the hot glue and stick to the edges of the driver board. This bot wouldn’t be drawing that much current. If I remember right the stall current on the motors is around 330mA, and we’ll be nowhere near that driving this little beastie around the office.

When it came to power, for initial testing I’d have to have all the cables and junk plugged in anyway, but Hackbot needed localized life support if he’s eventually going to romp free… not to mention headless operation. I could have started it with all the junk plugged in, then yank the keyboard, mouse and monitor out and set it on the floor, but that was definitely a short-term solution. I let that part go while I got the rudidments in place. In the meantime, I had to make a little regulator circuit with a 7805 – that should be good to an amp and a half, so it should cover me for the Pi and the motors. But a two-cell lipo is about 8.4V fully charged, and at a guess I’ll maybe draw 500mA average (totally ballparking here), giving me (8.4V - 5V)*0.5A = 1.7W to dissipate on that TO220. It would probably get hot unless I heatsink it.

Programming this in Python was easy enough, as it’s just GPIO manipulation. I wasn’t going to try and PWM the motor driver, as I had the gear motors and I knew they were slow. If they were faster, I might have had to worry about feeding them PWM to control the speed.

I then created a wiring diagram of sorts:

The hookup was simple enough. Each channel on the TB6621 is driven by three pins: [A/B]IN1 and [A/B]IN2, which determine the direction, and PWM[A/B], which allows you to adjust the speed of the channel through a PWM signal applied here. There’s also a standby signal (STBY) that will enable/disable both channels. That’s seven lines total, and they all get a GPIO line.

Running motor power through the RasPi wasn’t really the smartest thing I could do, but 1) the motors were originally rated for 6V and the lipo’s going to be more, and 2) I bet it wouldn’t be a problem at this stage, (though I wondered if I’d get motor noise back to the RasPi). Checking the TB6621 datasheet showed lots of noise-suppressing diodes on the motor outputs. Clearly, destiny wanted me to do this.

There were still a couple of things I needed to make this viable: wheels and a caster. Oh sure, I could have used those hot-glued servo wheels that were originally on the motors (check the first pic above) for some extra jank-factor. But I felt like I was already up against enough sketchy design, so I just bought them. Pro tip: that caster is a little tight at first. You can loosen it up by clamping that ball between the plastic with a pliers and giving it a little squeeze (not too much, as you can’t un-squeeze it).

After some hot glue magic plus a minimum of wiring, the bottom of Hackbot looked like this:

The top looks like this:

Now I had the physical platform close, but I still had to make a little regulator board. I figured it really didn’t need to be anything special, just an L7805 regulator, plus an electrolytic cap of 100uF or so on the output oughta do it. I gave it a two-pin male header to plug into the two-cell lipo, and snatched a micro USB plug from some unsuspecting cable to connect to the 5V out.

Then I mounted it on one of the stand-offs holding the RasPi down.

Another view:

The PCB that the regulator is mounted on is from an old product line of shaped PCB’s that we used to have, that one being a pentagon. It was lying around, so I used it. The idea here was that the battery will sit on top of the RasPi in some fashion (I can work out the specifics later) while plugged into that two-pin male header you see there.

From there, I turned to code. There’s definitely more junk to add, but that’s for another day. The car’s got wheels, right? Let’s go driving!

#Hackbot.py #Just a little test code to run around the floor a bit import RPi.GPIO as GPIO import time #a couple of delay constants leg = 2 turn = 0.5 #set up control pins for motor driver STBY = 31 AIN1 = 33 AIN2 = 35 PWMA = 37 BIN1 = 32 BIN2 = 36 PWMB = 38 GPIO.setmode(GPIO.BOARD) #use board pin numbers #set the GPIO's to outputs GPIO.setup(STBY, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(BIN1, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(AIN1, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(AIN2, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(BIN2, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(PWMA, GPIO.OUT) GPIO.setup(PWMB, GPIO.OUT) #set initial condiions, STBY #is low, so no motors running GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(AIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(AIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(PWMA, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(PWMB, GPIO.HIGH) #movement is governed by the 4 #following functions. These will #go into their own library, ultimately. def go_forward(run_time): GPIO.output(AIN1, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(AIN2, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN1, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(BIN2, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.HIGH) #start time.sleep(run_time) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.LOW) #stop def turn_left(run_time): GPIO.output(AIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(AIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(BIN1, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(BIN2, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.HIGH) #start time.sleep(run_time) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.LOW) #stop def turn_right(run_time): GPIO.output(AIN1, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(AIN2, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.HIGH) #start time.sleep(run_time) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.LOW) #stop def reverse(run_time): GPIO.output(AIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(AIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(BIN1, GPIO.HIGH) GPIO.output(BIN2, GPIO.LOW) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.HIGH) #start time.sleep(run_time) GPIO.output(STBY, GPIO.LOW) #stop #Then we make a simple driving patern and loop try: while True: #go forward go_forward(leg) #turn right? turn_right(turn) #go forward go_forward(leg) #turn right? turn_right(turn) #go forward go_forward(leg) #turn left turn_left(turn) #go forward go_forward(leg) #turn left turn_left(turn) #reverse reverse(leg) except KeyboardInterrupt: GPIO.cleanup()

To run this, I powered the Pi from my two-cell lipo with all the cables plugged in, just long enough to open a terminal window and run that code. Then, I quick-like yanked all the cords out, put it on the floor and let-r-rip!

Look at that thing lay it down! Am I right?? Those motors are really slow, and we don’t sell that particular one anymore. I want to say they’re geared 300:1…? Or maybe 300RPM? The concept is hereby proven, and I can change those motors out if I really want to.

Things I could have done better

1) Like I knew it would, the regulator gets hot. Not so hot that I can’t touch it, but I don’t want to for very long. The current draw is around 315mA sitting idle, and around 500mA-ish when we’re driving around, so it’s dissipating over 1.5W when driving. That’s a bit much for a TO-220 package by itself, so I should put a hunk of metal on it.

2) Running motor current through the Pi, while convenient for today, is kinda dumb for the long term. I can get away with it for now because the motor current is relatively low, but the current path between the USB plug and 5V on the header is in no way designed to do this. I should really run the motor voltage directly from the regulator.

3) Headless operation: plugging cables in and out to do this is no good. Pinocchio wanted to be a real boy; so does Hackbot.

4) Hot glue. You know what? The hot glue is working for me. Saved me a ton of time.

Those are the things that gotta happen before anything else gets added. What to add?

What comes next

There’s a bunch of GPIO left available on the Pi header, including SPI, I2C and UART interfaces, so there’s a lot of room for adding junk. I can’t add anything particularly analog, but I don’t think I need to. But anything with a digital interface is fair game – distance/proximity sensors, GPS, environmental sensors… it just depends on what your ultimate goal is, or what sensors you want play with. This would make an interesting mobile test platform for new gear.

For myself, I’m less about getting tiny bots to do my will, and more about, “That thing is sweet! I wish I was two inches tall so I could get in and drive!” So it’ll probably get a camera at some point, probably an OSD to keep me updated with various info. Then LEDs, Troll hair, googly eyes…

Recap: Materials Used

To extricate the list from my story-telling style:

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Break Away Headers - Straight

In stock PRT-00116

A row of headers - break to fit. 40 pins that can be cut to any size. Used with custom PCBs or general custom headers.

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Raspberry Pi 3

27 available DEV-13825

Everyone knows and loves Raspberry Pi, but what if you didn't need additional peripherals to make it wireless. The Raspberry …

$39.95

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SparkFun Motor Driver - Dual TB6612FNG (1A)

Out of stock ROB-14451

The TB6612FNG Motor Driver can control up to two DC motors at a constant current of 1.2A (3.2A peak). Two input signals (IN1 …

$4.95

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Voltage Regulator - 5V

In stock COM-00107

This is the basic L7805 voltage regulator, a three-terminal positive regulator with a 5V fixed output voltage. This fixed reg…

$0.95

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Lithium Ion Battery - 1000mAh 7.4v

In stock PRT-11855

This high discharge LiPo is a great way to power any R/C, robotic, or portable project. This is an excellent choice for anyth…

$9.95

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Ball Caster Metal - 3/8"

In stock ROB-08909

This ball caster kit from Pololu includes a black ABS housing, a 3/8" diameter metal ball, two spacers (1/16" and 1/8" thick)…

$2.95

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Electrolytic Decoupling Capacitors - 100uF/25V

In stock COM-00096

Electrolytic decoupling capacitors 100uF/25V. These capacitors are great transient/surge suppressors. Attach one between the …

$0.35

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Micro Gearmotor - 130 RPM (6-12V)

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These micro gearmotors are incredibly tough and feature full metal gears. They have a gear ratio of 210:1 and operate up to 1…

$12.95

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Wheel 32x7mm

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This custom-designed plastic wheel from Pololu has a silicone tire measuring 1.26" (32 mm) in diameter and is designed to fit…

$6.95

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Basic hookup guide for the TB6612FNG H-bridge motor driver to get your robot to start moving!

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[jessicakmatt]

From Kick to Cowbell: What Made the Roland TR-808 Great?

From Kick to Cowbell: What Made the Roland TR-808 Great?: via LANDR Blog

To celebrate the launch of Roland’s first ever Software TR-808, we revisit a few key moments in the legendary drum machine’s rich history… so far.

There are so many reasons to love the Roland TR-808. 

Producers, musicians and DJs know how much the Roland TR-808 Rhythm Composer has influenced music’s past, present and future. The quirky machine and its distinct sounds—from kick to cowbell—have changed music across genres and styles. 

But why? How has a simple studio companion released in 1980 become the backbeat to countless anthems? On the heels of Roland releasing the first ever Software TR-808 via Roland Cloud, we explore some of the sounds, history, and idiosyncrasies that make the storied machine an audio icon.

Programming History

 As told in the 2015 documentary 808 (You Know Films) the 808 had a big impact on hip-hop’s early years. Afrika Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force’s 1982 song “Planet Rock,” produced by Arthur Baker, used the 808 to unforgettable effect, marking a key moment in the 808’s eventual rise. 

  But the 808 wasn’t an overnight commercial success…

Created in Japan by the late Roland founder Ikutaro Kakehashi and his team, the 808 didn’t meet initial expectations. Ultimately, the machine was made for just three years until 1983 and only 12,000 808s were ever produced.

“Everything was ‘wrong’ with the 808,” the film’s producer Alex Noyer explains about the rhythm box’s release. “It was destined for failure. It didn’t sound right, it didn’t sound like a drum, two 808s didn’t sound alike. All the critics [called it] a complete UFO of studio equipment. It’s important that it became this iconic instrument. It’s a beautiful underdog story, which to me, is what the music industry is all about. Because no artist really starts as a superstar.“

Over the years the 808 went on to influence genres like house, techno, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, Miami Bass, as well as R&B, pop, rock, trap… the list goes on.

Everything was ‘wrong’ with the 808. It was destined for failure. It didn’t sound right, it didn’t sound like a drum, two 808s didn’t sound alike.

A Drum Discovered

The love people have for the 808, and the fact that so many still use its sounds today, stems from the curiosity and creativity that’s pushed music production forwards for decades. The 808 is a classic example of the gold that simply needs the right eye and ear to be discovered.

“If you think about early synthesizers from an engineering point of view, a lot of people were trying to sound as realistic as possible,” says Matthew Salaciak, co-founder of the Temple record label and avid synth enthusiast. “Mainly the goal was, ‘I’m going to make a synth that can make the sound of a clarinet, can make the sound of a sax, can make the sound of a trumpet; it was all about synthesizing a realistic sound…”

“[The 808] sounded synthesized, too much like a rhythm box. But in the end, those are the sounds that we love and associate with electronic music. It just sounded so beautiful and sat beautifully in mixes. That’s what attracted me to it. I feel like I’m playing not just a drum machine, I’m playing a synth.”

Sounds From Within

The 808’s analog sounds include cowbell, claves, clap, rim shot, toms, maraca, congas, cymbal, hi-hats, and of course the bass drum and snare drum…

“It’s like a giant sweet spot, it can’t sound bad,” says Salaciak about the 808’s kick drum. “You can make it sound super clicky or super bassy, and that’s so insane because you have very little control on what you can manipulate. Those two knobs; the tone and decay, shaped and created so many things in music.”

“The snare has this snappiness to it that sounds like someone’s ripping a piece of paper. It doesn’t sound much like a snare drum, but if you think of an electronic, synthesized idea of a snare drum, this sounds exactly like it… The hi-hat has this beautiful sizzly sound that’s so metallic. Again, it doesn’t really sound like a hi-hat but it fits perfectly.”

The Perfect Workflow

The 808 not only provides the backing beat for your tracks, it keeps them in time as well; A brain for your who studio… In pre-MIDI production the 808 still gave producers the flexibility to link several instruments.

“The most important thing with these electronic instruments was the ability to communicate with each other in a studio setting,” Salaciak explains. “What made the 808 so incredible in the time of pre-MIDI is that it gave whoever who was using it the flexibility of having three trigger outs to clock sequencers and gate synths… I find that was a big influence on synth pop, cold wave, dark wave, and minimal synth music. It allowed people to connect their drums to their synths and create amazing, syncopated basslines and sequences. Which led to lot of amazing music; Like Human League or Depeche Mode’s second album A Broken Frame…”

Programming an 808 on its own is enough to create a standalone symphony.

Pure 808

Of course the 808 doesn’t need accompaniment to shine. Programming an 808 on its own is enough to create a standalone symphony.

Also in Noyer’s film, Richie Hawtin discusses the 808’s intuitive workflow: “Probably my most beautiful moment with an 808 was going back at 8AM on a Sunday morning after listening to Derrick May play in Detroit, and turning on my 808, and making a whole song out of it… trying to make an intense, rhythmic piece out of one machine. In actual fact it became one of my biggest songs; it was Plastikman ‘Spastik,’ which was pure 808.”

808 hits

What tracks defined the 808 early on? It’s hard to say, but Noyer suggests: “From the [songs] we collected, so many are incredibly important, but if someone were to ask me to pick 3 that the 808 was about, OK: "Planet Rock.” It’s the birth of hip-hop and electronic music. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye, and “Paul Revere” by the Beastie Boys because it’s iconic, and how you can mess with the 808 to that level is incredible”

Tweaking Into Tomorrow

The 808’s pastiche of sounds were eventually twisted, delayed, phased and tweaked so hard, it’s taken on a cyberlife of its own.

“Even through all the reshaping of the ways we use instruments; computers, cloud platforms… people look for the 808 as an 808. It’s incredible that it’s not just, ‘I need a kick drum,’ but ‘I need an 808 kick drum,’” Noyer says. “People are so passionate about those specificities. The way the 808 lived on beyond its limited run was the use of samplers and all the digital technology that allowed it to live on in sound libraries,” he says. “But from the kick drum to the snare to the rim, all those sounds still sound as peculiar today as they did then. There’s libraries and libraries of those sounds, but those true 808 sounds cannot be beat. The emergence of trap was a testament to that, because there’s such a use of raw 808 and I found that very exciting.”

“It’s transgenre,” Salaciak says. “The basic sound set of the 808 is so perfect that it finds its way into many types of music. It’s fascinating how artists found another way to evolve the sounds so they’re still relevant today. ”For example, with samplers and computers, artists take the sounds of the 808 and manipulate them beyond what the original 808 machine can do, while still keeping the 808 identity. You can’t change the pitch of the snare or bass sound on an actual 808, but in a sampler or computer, you can.”

It’s like a giant sweet spot, it can’t sound bad.

More Than Machine

The loving relationship so many artists have with the 808 is special: “There were a few really gobsmacked moments when you’re talking to musical legends and they tell you about a machine as if it was a member of their family,” says Noyer about 808’s 57 interviews, including Pharrell WIlliams, Phil Collins, Questlove, Goldie, Rick Rubin, and countless more.

“Bear in mind its short run, a lot of artists never really had the experience of using the machine because by then it was integrated into so many other things. For anybody who’s not dependent on the machine, it’s very easy to capitalize on the sound without having to use the interface. With that in mind, we had real childlike reactions. These moments are special… I remember we handed my 808 to David Guetta, he kept it on his knee the whole interview. He was cuddling it. It was interesting, because it’s a rare thing to get your hands on one.”

Learn more about the 808 documentary produced by Alex Noyer of You Know Films, along with writer/director Alexander Dunn, co-executive producer Arthur Baker, and their team.

Get your hands on the first ever Software TR-808 from Roland Cloud

The post From Kick to Cowbell: What Made the Roland TR-808 Great? appeared first on LANDR Blog.

from LANDR Blog https://blog.landr.com/roland-tr-808/ via https://www.youtube.com/user/corporatethief/playlists from Steve Hart https://stevehartcom.tumblr.com/post/172906217419