#this doesn't answer the question but it speaks to a different issue that's been rambling around my brain a bit at some of the prompts

[submalevolentgrace]

Hi! I'm very interested in attempting to write a disabled character (not for this blog, I assure, for an book I'm writing) in which the story doesn't fetishize/objectify her prosthetic limb. I'm in many writing circles and have been for a long while, but I've never seen this issue brought to light which I realise is a very important one. I have much to change in my thought process, and thank you for bringing this issue to attention.

I'm curious, and I apologise if this has been asked before, but what sort of design could you see for a functional prosthetic that doesn't go for a plainly aesthetic appearance, or is soully to please others? I do note that you said prosthetics are generally... not that helpful. So is there a way that it could be? Or do you think it would always generally be better to not use a prosthetic, as its mostly for aesthetic purposes, as you said?

I apologise if this ask is too outright or anything, and I don't mean to intrude. Thank you for your time and have a beautiful day!

okay, i want to answer this as in depth as possible, because whenever i talk about having a prosthesis, someone will always tag some variation of "#writing reference" and i do wonder what message they're taking away, and i want to get as much of my experience out as possible to maybe help shape how this is all portrayed in the future. and yeah… this is gonna be one of those rambly smg posts that the expand feature was invented for, so i'll start with the very abridged TL;DR:

if you're writing a character with an upper limb prosthesis; don't. arm amputees are unicorn level rare even compared to leg amputees, and i've never interacted with or even heard of an upper limb amputee that regularly uses a prosthesis, let alone relies on one. fiction has lied to you for the sake of cool aesthetics, don't repeat the cycle. more in depth writing advice including nuance and "but i waaaant to" will follow.

that said, grab your donning parachute and let's get started...

context for everyone involved: i am an upper limb amputee that rants a lot about how prostheses suck, i lost my right hand roughly five years ago at roughly the age of 30 after a very rough decline in health… it was pretty rough. this question is being asked in the context of a previous rant post of mine, and i checked that the ask is about an upper limb prosthesis in particular.

the situation regarding the usefulness of lower limb prostheses is totally different; i am definitely no expert, but by all accounts, prosthetic legs are incredibly useful for many people. getting a good leg can be absolutely life changing and more or less necessary for day to day life for some; mostly because infrastructure and society is just so fucking hostile to wheelchair users. being able to walk - at the cost of pressure sores and rashes and increased residual limb pain - is a preferable option to many people than being unable to fit through a doorway or in a bathroom stall or find out that the key to unlock the only elevator is in the admin office up three flights of stairs (true story).

but upper limb prostheses… see, the thing is, hands are incredibly complex organs that rely on a lot of immediate haptic feedback to work at all. hand dexterity is all about control, you need fine granular movements of the digits yes, but you also need the subtle sensations of pressure and proprioception in order to adjust your movements on the fly. i speak from experience, in the years leading up to the full loss of my hand, i was slowly losing function of it, usually swinging between numbness that made it clumsy at best, or screaming overstimulation from moving it at all resulting in unpredictable spasms… and let me tell you, a half working hand is infuriating to try and deal with. you can never know if you have a good grip on something or if it's slipping because of the wrong amount of pressure, and there's only so many smashed bottles of pickles on the floor before you give up using it all together… so amputation wasn't a great loss there, i had time to adapt.

a prosthetic hand of any kind has all of those issues and more. they're heavy and bulky, the cosmetic faux fingers or gripping claw have crude movement at best, and there's zero feedback (put a pin in this). 100% of the time you're using a prosthetic hand you have to keep your eyes on the grip and visually guesstimate whether or not the thing you're carrying is held tight enough but not too tight, that is if your "heavy duty" prosthesis can even support the weight without the servos disengaging or the wrist attachment socket just busting loose. i dropped a whippersnipper on my foot last week when my socket couldn't take the weight and i think that was the final straw in me desperately trying to prove to myself that there is a single task my prosthesis actually helps with.

this is usually where fully two handed people start talking about bleeding edge DARPA tech, and how we just need to invest more,research more, develop more. better tech, more tech, neural integration, more more more. okay i promise the writing advice is coming! for starters on tech, my experience is already with a mid-to-high end ottobock terminal device: i've got a myoelectric nerve-signal operated proportional control heavy duty greifer; about the only upgrade left for me to get would be a rotating wrist joint if i could coflex. it's not military, it's not "rockclimber that owns a prosthetic company", but it's quality tech. it still fucking sucks. secondly, that high level military tech exists primary for PR purposes so they can say they treat their discarded casualties well, "we can rebuild him, we have the technology" style. every war vet i've read about or heard from that's been gifted that high level tech also abandons it for the same reasons; it's imprecise, there's no feedback (or the haptic interface has to be fully recalibrated every time they put it on), but mostly they're more capable without one.

okay, the transhumanist ableds say (i should know, i used to be one), what if we did more ~research and development~ and got that neural feedback working? then we could have fireproof superhumanly strong robot arms to fix up everyone! here's where i take out that pin we put up before and i tell you that a class of prosthetic arms/hands already exists that has perfect proportional control, fine motor control, and physics perfect pressure feedback piped directly into the patients' existing sensory systems! they're called body-powered prostheses, and they were invented in like the 1600s. you strap a whole bunch of stuff to your arm and shoulders shoulders, and control the operation of the terminal device and elbow through cable tension by flexing your shoulders. they do take a considerable amount of training to operate - though hell i spent 18 months training to use my myo - but based on everything i've read, body-powered prostheses are the best option if you're an upper limb amputee and absolutely need a second hand for some reason.

but they don't look cool and futuristic, and according to my prosthetist, most people give up on using them too. we all give up on our prostheses, no matter the type. my rehab OT was impressed i lasted the 18 months of my training. towards the end, they even asked if the clinic director could drop in to one of my sessions to see my progress; he expressed genuine amazement at me casually using my bulky robot claw to use a brush and dustpan, and made an offhanded (hah) comment about what someone can achieve "if they stick it out to the end", implying it was somewhat of a rarity for me to have done so. several years on, and yesterday i wedged the dustpan between my ankles to sweep up into it, awkward but exponentially less effort than putting my dusty robot arm on. which, by the way, is a whole thing. look up some videos, they're all awful to don. i don't actually know the official technical name of what my clinic calls a "parachute" but it's a bitch to use! have you ever tried to pull back with your arm whilst also pushing it forwards at the same time, and simultaneously lean in to and away from an external force pulling on you? that's how you get a myo socket on.

bare with me, i promise writing advice is coming, and i promise it's more than the tl;dr. but. remember when i said a half working hand is infuriating to deal with? any prosthesis, from fancy myo tech to pirate-era body powered, will only ever be half as good as a working hand, and being juuuust within capability to do something but not quite able to is maddening! but you know what works way better than a half working hand? no hand at all. using whatever residual/vestigial limb you have - whatever "stump" you have, i hate that word - is pretty much always better than trying to use a prosthesis. i can use the inside of my elbow to grip and carry things, i can use the nub of my arm to apply pressure to hold things, open doors, use a computer mouse, turn on taps and lights, if i put a glove over it i can use it to prep for cooking. i have full proprioception and pressure feedback with skin contact, i don't think i've ever dropped and broken anything from my elbow, unlike countless things slipped from my greifer - which, by the way, absolutely will start clenching as tight as it can if i get even slightly too sweaty around the electrodes, which has both broken things i'm holding and also injured me, because surprise surprise but servo operated robot claws have pinch points on them right near the "emergency disengage" lever for some reason!

but i am exponentially more capable without it on than with it. no, i'm not fully independent, i rely on housemates and loved ones to help me out with some tasks that simply just need two handed dexterity, but none of those tasks are things a prosthesis makes me able to do anyway. i used to imagine my prosthesis would be like a bra; a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but i'd wear it throughout the day because it's helpful and take it off in the evening to decompress. in reality it's actually exactly like a bra: an absolute bitch to put on one handed, unbearably uncomfortable because it never sits right, ugly af unless you're a millionaire, and absolutely useless except for the fact that i get gawked at and judged by strangers if i leave the house without it on.

and if you really want to discover how far "no hand is better than a half working hand" goes, brace yourself, and look up the patient's stories (not medical system stories) of people that have had hand transplants. the first man to receive one hated it, he was promised a return to normal function, and what he got was a nightmare worse than being one handed; he wanted it removed again but the doctors refused because it would undermine their grand achievement of the first hand transplant. the doctors and society wanted him to be fixed, they wanted him to be normal, they wanted him to be abled. they failed. they made him less able to do things, denied his autonomy, and left him with someone else's hand slowly rotting on him, prioritising the idea of "scientific progress" and "two hands good" over the physical health, mental health, and ability to function of this man.

he's not alone; every story from the patients' perspective about hand transplants that i've read goes this way, including a woman who was born quad limb different and was promised hands would improve her life, pressured into a double hand transplant, only to find herself after the surgery essentially experiencing disability for the first time ever, because she had lived her whole life getting by just fine with her 'underdeveloped' limbs, but half working hands are worse than useless. you can try to find these stories yourself, but i'm not going looking for sources on any of these cases, because if you look back through enough of my posts you'll get a glimpse of the horrors and abuses that i too was put through by doctors who prioritised trying to "fix" me at any cost, rather than providing me the best quality of life, and in turn traumatised me and left me more broken than any loss of limb on its own could. dear goddess, i promise the writing advice is coming.

so. why do upper limb prostheses exist at all? if they're so terrible and useless, what is their function? i want to borrow something someone else left in the tags of a previous rant here, from someone who i believe works in prosthetics and/or rehab, cleaned up and anonymised at their request:

"upper limb functions are wildly more complex than: 1) bear weight static, and 2) bear weight moving. but every single upper limb amputee i know has a fancy expensive prosthetic just gathering dust in the closet because there is literally nothing it can do like a few years of adjustment and if needed non-dominant hand retraining can't do. the existence of forquarter prosthetics to begin with is just kind of silly and useless and entirely to make OTHER people feel comfortable, especially considering they universally are UNcomfortable for the amputee. i hate the notion that as soon as you get the amputation the prosthetic is The Thing That Will Fix You And Make You Feel Normal again because it universally isn't! but every forequarter person i know had like this ideal of Being Fixed By Magic Prosthetic that they were then obviously wildly disappointed by and had to do yet another grieving process with, versus if the dominant narrative were just one of: yeah. it'll take time, there is no magic fix."

and i think that really nails down what the actual purpose of upper limb prostheses is: they're not for the user, they're for the sake of other people. and not just their comfort when looking at our bodies, although based on the pressure for both amputees and people born limb different to get functionless cosmetic plastic hands, there is a lot of that. but it's not just that.

i fully believe that the reason prosthetic hands exists is to comfort the fears of the two handed. "don't worry", they say, "we can fix you again. you don't have to fear becoming Disabled, you don't have to worry about adapting or your life changing. we can make you Normal™ again."

you would not believe the number of people that have approached me to shower me with pity, to tell me how horrific my life is, how they can't imagine it. people have told me, apropos of nothing, that they'd kill themselves if they lost a hand. indirectly, that my life isn't worth living. unless, of course, i happen to be wearing my cool as fuck looking robot prosthesis! then they tell me how wonderful it is, how lucky i am, how glad they are that we have the technology to fix me. that's what a prosthetic hand says, what all the happy fishing photos on limbs4life posters at the rehab clinic say: don't worry, we can fix you. that's what the bleeding edge DARPA flexi-whatever fully articulated neuro-feedback hands say: don't worry if you get IED'd while hunting civilians for us to drone bomb, if you get hurt, we will fix you, we will fix the fuck out of you, we will motherfucking adam jensen you into a cool as fuck cyborg that your son will idolise; come on boys, don't you wanna enlist just for the chance at being as cool as this? join the bomb squad for a ticket to the upgrade lottery.

and so we arrive at fiction. as much as his dialogue options protest, adam jensen loves his robot arms, they punch through walls, turn into fucking swords! they make him the most special man in the world. what would he do without them? learn to cope? grieve? practice acceptance? take up poetry? just, be disabled? there's no power fantasy for ableds in that.

in fact, can you think of a single fictional character that's an upper limb amputee that's, well, just an amputee? they all have robot arms. not realistic prostheses, not medical devices; robot arms. sleek or bulky, top of the line or broken down self built, steampunk or nanomachines or magitech automail; they're never without them. never just an amputee. never born limb different either! there's always that element of tragedy to overcome, always suffering and misery porn, always focus on the pain and the helplessness without the absolutely vital robot arm that makes them Normal and Whole. the closest amputee example i can think of is furiosa from mad max, who iirc fucking punches max in the face with her residual limb like a motherfucking badass! i can barely lean on mine wrong and she punches a guy! but she still apparently needs a dieselpunk robot hand to drive a truck, something you can do one handed so easily most drivers don't even notice they're doing it! please don't, by the way

and so many disabled fans love to point to robot armed characters as disability representation; the winter soldier, luke skywalker, edward elric, misty knight, that genderswapped furry girl from ratchet and clank, jet cowboybebop, finn the human, and yes, adam jensen…. these are all characters that someone disabled i know has told me they love because they "represent disabled bodies"…. and i know nobody wants to hear this, because i've been screamed at for saying it before, but… they do not. they are not disabled, functionally or within fiction. they are either perfectly able bodied Normal people with chrome paint on an arm, or tortured misery porn we are supposed to pity and feel lucky we're not them. sometimes both!

also you ever notice how it's basically always arms? lower limb amputations are orders of magnitude more common than upper, my prosthetist said i was probably only the 4th or 5th upper limb she'd worked with in her career, with literally hundreds of lower limb fits. but fiction doesn't seem to reflect that, huh? or any other part of the reality of disability. it's always cool as fuck robot arms, never cool as fuck wheelchairs or crutches or dialysis machines or colostomy bags. a fair few "i was blind but now i can see with Robot Eyes and also infrared and xray" around, which again, plays into that "we can fix you and make you cooler" propaganda.

by the way, up above when i was describing body powered arms, if you wondered to yourself why i went with a myoelectric one instead when i clearly believe body powered is better… yeah. i am not immune to propaganda! i too wanted to be cool as fuck. i spent years with deteriorating function in my hand for reasons that are still unknown, was misdiagnosed and medically neglected to the point that removing my hand seemed to be the only option left to offer some relief, and even that was a clusterfuck that left me worse than ever… of course i wanted to believe in the power and prestige of a cool robot arm that fiction promised me.

but fiction promises fantastical lies. and so.

we get to the writing advice portion of the novella that is this post. you asked for advice on how to write a disabled character with an upper limb prosthesis. you've read the tl;dr, you've read everything above i assume, you know i don't want you to do it. the obvious twist is that it's been writing advice all along, me trying to share my perspective on what it's like being an amp with a robot arm and how shitty it is, implying how almost any fully realised and realistic character that's missing an upper limb would give up on a prosthesis at all. you can already tell that every value judgement in me says "don't give her a prosthesis, no matter how functional or cool you make it. don't try to make the tech better to justify it, just let her be one armed, one handed. just let her be disabled, but not helpless. let her show off her elbow or underarm carry strength. let her love interest appreciate how soft and squishy her residual limb is in a moment of tenderness. let her natural disabled body be respected and valued."

but that's a personal value judgement from me, and you are the author of your own work. i know it's trite to say, but you are! even the act of deferring to someone with lived experience in the hope of doing a better job at representation is a value judgement, a good choice in my opinion, but one you needn't necessarily take. maybe you do want to write a character that has a cool as fuck unrealistic robot arm as a power fantasy, or a comfort blanket… i did.

i've been slowly writing my own probably terrible scifi epic for over a decade now, and when my arm was giving me hell back then, i'd take great comfort in this fantasy of my protagonist with her chunky robot arm, the terrible traumatic suffering of her loss, overcoming, the power and ability her advanced prosthesis gives her over others, that she alone has access to, because others are not willing to make the sacrifices required. inspiration porn. awful stuff to me now, but empowering to me then. as i grew and gained direct experience, i slowly reimagined her, rewrote her, ship of theseus'd her into an entirely new character; a reflection of me now, bitter at the whole thing, spiteful that her natural flesh arm evokes fear and distrust, but unwilling to suffer the pain and frustration of her unnatural prosthesis just to make others comfortable and respect her as "whole", however artificial that whole is. and as with the ship of theseus being two ships, once i realised the transformation, i re-added the old protagonist back in whole cloth as a separate character; proud of her robot arm and its power, but in new context, as a foil and antagonist, an in-universe military prosthesis propaganda figure to reflect how i now feel characters like her exist to us, the readers.

i'm not just sharing that as egotistical self promotion, but to highlight that, even if i sit here begging you all up and down not to write characters with robot arms for how bad and unrealistic they are; there's still something genuine and true that their inclusion can say. the great thing about the story that you're writing is that only you can write it, as they say. but i whole heartedly believe that to write to your best, you have to be aware of what you're writing and why. as tempting as it is to feel these characters form naturally in us and therefore we're averse to changing traits about them that feel organic and self evident; as authors we have omnipotent control over the text, every trait and detail is a reflection on us, so we'd sure as hell better understand why we're choosing to write a character with this trait. because anything you write without being aware of intent will take on its own meaning in the space between.

and on that note, if i don't say this, i'm leaving it to be inferred: i definitely don't want to appear to come down on the side of saying "you cannot write an amputee unless you are one", because we are rarer than single young bisexual unicorns! and it would be a tragedy if anyone read through all this and then turned away in fear, deciding to never write an amputee character (with or without robot arm) because they feel they can't do it justice… believe me, no matter what anyone says, some hack writer somewhere is going to keep writing adam jensens and winter soldiers. don't let them be the only voices in fiction! just try to do your best.

so my ultimate advice on the topic of writing a character with a prosthetic limb is to ask yourself one question in two different frameworks, and meditate on what you feel the answer is:

why does she have a prosthesis?

from a doylelist perspective as the kids say, as an author with omnipotent control, why are you choosing to write about this topic? why are you choosing to give this trait to this character? what does it say about how you view ability and disability, what makes a person normal, and what our society values? will you let her be in her natural body? or will you give her a prosthesis, force her to wear it by authorial fiat, or author her a meaningful reason to choose to? if yes, be sure you know; why did you give her a prosthesis?

and from a wastonian perspective, diegetically, inside the story, why does she choose to wear a prosthesis? what does it say about her inner character, and how she interacts with the world? how does she feel about doing it, is she prideful and loves the attention she gets, or does she resent whatever necessitates its use? how do people in this world view ability and disability, what does this society value? and above all, whatever the answer to these questions, whether or not she uses a prosthesis or is badass without one, how does she deal with the eternal freezing cold that every amputee ever feels constantly in their residual limb and why does nobody make a heat pack that fits over a nub without drafty gaps???

i can't outright tell you how to write a good upper limb amputee, but if you at least know why you're writing one and for what purpose, you're on track to write the best character that you can. that's the best advice i can give… other than, like, this whole rambly mess.

and, as a reward for reading this far, please have a very blurry cryptid photo of my cat doing his old man sit:

[saltpepperbeard]

I cant stop thinking about the end of episode 6, specifically the Stede and Ed of it all.

Just the look on Stede's face when he pulls Ed in kills me. I need to know everything in there, in words.

Also, what do you think wouldve happened if instinct hadnt taken over? Would they have actually talked it through (as a crew?) Or would Stede have just brushed over it again and Ed accept it?. This is pretty much the only time he tries to actually help stede like this.

Also, because im rambling, why doesnt Ed defend Stede properly when people insult him? does he think it just doesnt affect him or something?

Pardon the tardy answer on this one, anon! I was in the void, only to get decked upside the head by Leslie Jones once I crawled out of said void lol. BUT OKAY OKAY-

*rubs hands together like a fly*

This face absolutely kills me too. And I feel like it says so much without saying a word at all. I feel like it says, "I'm so happy and relieved to see you right now because the true torture of the night was seeing you get threatened." And, "I love you so much for checking up on me, but I don't have it in me to use words right now, and can't really express what I'm feeling any other way than through actions." And, "I'm so terrified after what just happened, but having you here is such a grounding force."

Like just...the glassy sheen to his eyes but the relief to his overall visage...Mr. Darby I'm billing you for damages <3 sdjksldls. I think he was just so so happy to see Ed in that moment, and so relieved to have him after nearly losing him again.

And as far as talking things through goes...I honestly feel like Stede still would have stayed clammed up. I have a feeling it would have been like how it was when he initially opened the door, ie Ed doing the talking/leading the conversation while Stede stays quiet. Maybe Ed sharing such deep feelings and vulnerability would have eventually pried his shell open and gotten him to express a few fears? But idk, because at the same time, Stede witnessed Ed's bathtub moment, and it didn't really shake any of his own personal walls.

I just think he has such a complicated thing going with his own self-image, masculinity, and trauma, that it would have been very very difficult for him to openly admit to pain/terror/etc etc—especially weakness. Especially the thing that earned him vitriol and stones and death threats. And especially not to the man he respects and looks up to so much.

And SPEAKING of which, in regard to your last question, I think Ed doesn't step in to defend him for two reasons. One, he's the protector against physical abuse, whereas Stede is the protector against verbal abuse. This lovely post here [x] explains it beautifully; "they're both protecting each other from the dangers they know." Ed acts very quickly if some sort of physical harm threatens Stede, whereas Stede acts very quickly if some sort of vitriol threatens Ed. Neither of them want the other to experience the pain they're so acclimated to, and subsequently are each other's defender from such.

And two, sort of along those lines, I don't think he recognizes the hurt that can come from it, just as Stede maybe doesn't recognize the hurt that can come from all the violence. Maybe he doesn't realize how deeply it has cut Stede, just as Stede doesn't really recognize how deeply violence has cut Ed. I don't know how to word this properly lol but like...they view what hurts the other as almost a non-issue.

You can see their varying reactions and differences a few times in episode 6 actually. When Ned is physically torturing them, Stede doesn't really react when Ed is burned, but Ed reacts strongly when Stede is burned. And when Ned is flinging vitriol about prior to the violence, Ed doesn't really react to it, but Stede scowls and fights against his restraints.

And then when they're on deck, Stede doesn't think to take cover when the attack is starting, but Ed immediately flings himself in front of him. And when Ned is trying to goad Ed into getting upset, Ed doesn't take the bait whatsoever, whereas Stede steps up and gets upset on his behalf.

Not to mention also, Stede being like "Haha escaping violence? Not bloody likely" the morning after. I know that's episode 7 lol, but my pOINT STILL STANDS. They both expect those things respectively—Ed expects insulting talk from other pirates, and Stede expects violence in their line of work, but they're actually rife with trauma for the two of them.

TLDR, they balance each other and ground each other so well, but imagine how much more they would if they shared all these deeper thoughts. I'm still holding out hope that Stede will have his bathtub moment in season 3, or even just show a lick of vulnerability around Ed. Maybe the domesticity/concept of marriage will scare him enough into opening up a bit more/talking things through, or even just settling into a more mature relationship with Ed will give him the grounds to do so.

REGARDLESS, they are just a broth that's....*Roach voice* beautiful, complicated, balanced...

[nonspeakingkiku]

Kiku wants post more about Kiku's experinces, with becoming nonspeaking/nonverbal and becoming an AAC user.

Kiku is not a lifelong nonspeaker, Kiku could talk a lot when younger actually. (note when Kiku says younger Kiku means tween and older mostly because Kiku not remember much before that and Kiku goes off what told about how was).

Kiku has always been the quiet kid, and Kiku struggled a lot with words not coming out how Kiku meant them (whether that was wrong order or word sustitution because of what Kiku thinks is aphasia due to migraine, or what Kiku said not meaning what Kiku meant it to mean and entirely different words coming out (unreliable speech), and also just with figuring out what Kiku want to say (Kiku is learning that Kiku has trouble understanding what words mean sometime, not sure why tho). Self generated language is hard, with Kiku using echolalia/gestalts a lot with writing and Kiku's AAC. Kiku likes to discribe Kiku's language like a puzzle Kiku has build from other's words. And Kiku isn't very good at english, even though it's Kiku's native (and pretty much only) language. Kiku has a hard time learning languages and is slow at it.

Kiku thinks Kiku was more semiverbal/semispeaking when younger (although that was at least partially out of a trauma response from being forced to talk) and feeling like had to talk any time was around people so to compensate Kiku spent much of middle and high school in Kiku's room completely silent. As Kiku got older and older Kiku has had access to mouth words less and less and when had them it was exausting to talk, and errors were likely.

Now most of Kiku's attempts at speech (that aren't just repeating something Kiku heard or sometime Kiku's gestalts, because for some reason Kiku can do that sometime) sound like gibberish, and often aren't understood even by Kiku's partners. (There's like a 30-50% chance one of Kiku's partnes will understand Kiku's mouth gibberish.)

Kiku can voluntarily make sounds, but words just not work most the time. Kiku suspects Kiku has global apraxia or at least apraxia of speech and motor apraxia (Kiku doesn't remember all the words right now). And Kiku knows Kiku experiences situational mutism, even now with Kiku's AAC, Kiku just gets so anxious that Kiku can't communicate using out loud words. It's one of the barriers Kiku has to using AAC to communicate effectively.

Kiku has for as long as Kiku can remember had trouble with words (except reading, at least on the surface. Kiku is hyperlexic and read a lot but Kiku's reading comprehension isn't actually the best, Kiku can read real fast but not always absorb the information, which common with hyperlexia. And Kiku is dyslexic, which has caused pronounciation problems when Kiku has come across words Kiku not know the sounds for. )

Kiku thinks Kiku's becoming nonverbal would be considered a regression. Or caused by burn out (Kiku not sure if those words used interchangeably or if mean different things.

Getting AAC helped immensely with Kiku's ability to communicate, but it not a magic fix all, Kiku has barriers to Kiku's aac use. Including anxiety, trauma from being forced to speak, it not occuring to Kiku that Kiku should/can communicate, motor difficulties, Kiku's migraines and visual issues from them, processing issues, and problems with wording what trying to communicate probably among other things Kiku can't think of right now.

This has kind of turned into a ramble but Kiku wants to talk about this. Also if anyone has questions about Kiku's experiences with becoming nonspeaking/nonverbal and an AAC user feel free. Kiku loves answering asks.

[ghostofsnails]

rambling about art "Perfectionism" (+ my experience)

Lately I've been looking for advice about curbing perfectionism but couldn't find anything that worked for me. I feel that so much of the advice out there is just too surface level. It wants to target what I consider the symptoms (perfectionism itself / fear of messing up) and not the real source of the problem, or the "why", which is something that will look a little different for everybody. If you really want to curb perfectionism, the serious answer, in my opinion, is to start by looking inward. If you've done that and found that you're anything like me, with problems that feel like compulsive fixing, uncontrollable hyperfocus, and/or paranoid thoughts that your art career is doomed and everyone is secretly making fun of you because the angle of your oc's mouth is off by 2 degrees, hearing the advice that looks like "Here's a fun little drawing exercise to do every day!" over and over again is probably starting to feel more demoralizing than anything. So instead, here are some tricks/reframing devices that I use in place of some of the really general ones.

The first piece of advice I see everywhere is to "make bad art on purpose" to get over the fear of making mistakes. As a literal exercise, this just doesn't work great for my specific problem. Sure, I can draw some crappy sketch in 5 seconds if I want or waste all my spoons on making something I hate, but it offers no real support in terms of my "compulsive fixing" issue, which is where everything really goes wrong in my process. If it was as easy as saying "I'm just going to Not Have Compulsions!" I wouldn't be here writing this. But I have learned to relieve a small amount of the paranoia and anxiety that my compulsions stem from with the following exercise!

Essentially, I look through some of my favorite artists' work and find some stuff I really enjoy. While I do that, I look for mistakes, confusing choices, and inconsistencies in the work. I then ask myself: Why do I think this art piece still works so well despite all these errors? Does seeing these errors change my feelings about the piece or about the person who made them for the worse? (Spoiler alert, the answer to the second question is always no.)

I will then literally repeat the answers to those questions over and over and over again to myself while I draw. Does this completely or even mostly fix the problem? Definitely not. But if you're like me and at the point of desperation, this is something that's had a small yet significant impact on my workflow and my mindset as I approach making art in general. If my favorite artist can make a weird mistake on something and I love the piece anyways, then maybe it's okay for me to also make and leave in a weird mistake or two. The other good news is that I've noticed the effect of this has increased over time! In the past few months, and for the first couple of times in my life, I've been able to actually ignore a small handful of my compulsions to fix things while drawing. Which is actually so insane and probably my proudest moment of "invisible" progress I've ever made.

It's definitely worth noting, however, that this exercise is not going to work if you don't or can't approach it in good faith. You cannot give up immediately with "I'll never be this good, this artist's work is perfect." Nobody's work is perfect. If you look for ages and genuinely can't see any mistakes, that probably means you're looking at an artist way outside your skill level, and believe me, I've been there, it's super demoralizing. That's why most of the artists I look up to now are those whose work is just a few levels above or next to mine, because being able to spot errors not only makes their work feel more authentic and easily relatable, but functionally speaking, it keeps me inspired without getting locked into self-pity mode.

I'm obviously not going to put any artists I love on the spot here, but I'm going to list a few errors that I myself see very frequently in my specific corner of the art world: Inconsistent or straight up weird limb lengths, floating facial features, broken lines, color spill, and awkward tangents. Often times, the "errors" I notice aren't even true errors, just results of stylization that I get paranoid about in my own work. And this is super important too -- seeing those kinds of "errors" in art that I unabashedly love helps to soothe the paranoia that I'm doing something "wrong" or that everybody secretly hates me because I drew the eye 2 pixels too far to the right.

Other times, what you notice doesn't have to be an "error" at all. Maybe you just see untapped potential or find something that you would have done differently. For example, maybe you think a different light source or perspective could have improved the atmosphere of a piece. I often feel that many of my favorite artists' work suffers from a lack of contrast.

But the point of this entire exercise is that even when I apply a mock version of my compulsive behavior with art that I love and pick it apart as much as I possibly can, I realize that I STILL LOVE the artwork I'm looking at just as much if not more despite all the "mistakes". Rarely do the errors take anything away from the piece that they don't replace with a sense of life and authenticity. And as a bonus, now I'm ten times as excited to go draw and try out some new things!

And for the record -- this isn't the sort of thing I dedicate "15 minutes a day!" to doing, but something that comes pretty naturally to me whenever I come across art I really love. And speaking of TIME, one other piece of advice I see everywhere is to set a timer and give yourself just a few minutes to draw such and such. This is a piece of advice that logically I know SHOULD work, and despite the fact that it DOESN'T for me I would STILL recommend it heartily. My only problem with this piece of advice is that my brain just does not work this way. Time is just way too arbitrary and setting a "fake deadline" doesn't do anything to fix the issues that are making me take forever in the first place. So instead, in order to try and improve my speed in my digital art, I've started to stay more zoomed out of my canvas as I draw. This better mimics the experience of sketching on paper, something that's always been easier for me since fixing mistakes is so much less convenient than it is on a digital program.

Don't get me wrong though, if you're like me and used to drawing while so zoomed in you can count the pixels, this is going to be even harder than it sounds. I avoided this piece of advice for years because it was so viscerally uncomfortable to let go of the feeling of "control" I had over my pen strokes while zoomed in. But I gave in a few weeks ago when I was having such a hard time getting a pose down after days of attempts that I was willing to try anything. And honestly, the results were a MUCH needed morale boost. I saw improved speed, dynamism, and stylization pretty much instantly. I've been pushing myself to do this with all my subsequent art pieces and while I forget to do it every 15 minutes it's still made a surprisingly large and positive impact on my workflow.

Yes, I still feel the compulsion to "fix everything" in the refinement stage. But if I pair this with the advice above, the amount of compulsive fixes I makes goes way, way down. Especially if I remain relatively zoomed out during the refinement stage!

In conclusion, I'm not saying that the og art advice was dumb or bad or never works. This post is extremely specific to my situation. As far as I know I might be the only person in the world who spends extra nightmarish hours on every piece adding and deleting and readding unnoticeable layer effects, color adjustments, and details and "fixing" and unfixing and "fixing" every conceivable possible detail whilst sitting there begging myself to just stop so I can go eat or move on with my life or do literally anything else. And the fact that on top of that I go into hyperfocus every time I so much as LOOK at my Ipad makes any "take a break" solution near impossible if I don't have a seriously involved outside support system to take my mind off of art, which I don't.

Thanks to all of this plus typical life stuff, I've been drawing less and less in the past few years. It's hard to start anything knowing that once I do, I'm pretty much not going to have a life again until it's finished.

And drawing less also means that when I do draw, I'm drawing much slower, which draws out the length of time I have to deal with these problems and therefore makes them unignorable. I used to be able to finish up a full piece in 5-8 hours, basically a school night, and because it was finished I could focus on my responsibilities the next day until I started to draw again. But now I'm spending anywhere from 8-16 hours on simple bust up character drawings. That's crazy! Honestly reading all this back, I guess it's no wonder I'm so burnt out and exhausted all the time!

I'm never going to completely stop drawing. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I physically could. But I would really love to get to a point where art feels fun and freeing again, and where sitting down to sketch on paper for 10 minutes doesn't mean throwing the entire day away.

So if anyone else out there has got advice for me I would absolutely love to hear it. And I'd also love to hear from anyone who can relate to any of this, because as much as I was joking earlier about being the only one in the world, I haven't actually been able to meet anyone else who gets what I'm going through. And wow it is so difficult to put into words, too. I rewrote this post a million times. But that's all for now! Thanks for reading.

[sagemoderocklee]

What tips do you have for writers that want to write a gaalee fic, like tips and tricks to avoid making the dynamic ooc

oof it's been a long time since i've had a question like this so this may take me a minute to collect my thoughts. first i'll direct you to a few different things i've answered over the years that might help. these are older posts of mine but i think they still hold up well:

i think you've seen this post already but i might as well share it again since it's specifically about ooc things.

here's my old tiger/dragon imagery write up

here's one on gaara and empathy

here's one on rock lee's mental health (tw for discussions of self-harm, suicidal ideation) I do think with this particular write up, I wish I'd focused more on the issue of anger more. I think one thing that gets overlooked with Lee is anger and resentment, which i think are feelings he works hard to keep bottled up--and then they come out when he's drunk. but as someone who was ostracized and bullied, i think lee has like deep, deep repressed wells of anger and resentment that he doesn't want to acknowledge or deal with.

so, all those links aside, i think this is a really, really broad question. if you have any like more specific questions after this please feel free to ask. im probably just gonna ramble because im extremely tired because of my health, but i don't wanna leave this sitting in my inbox for a million years.

there are certain things that make these characters who they are, of course, but i think there's also context--like i had an ask... god i don't even know how many years ago about this sort of thing. forget exactly what it was but i rambled about gaara being the kazekage, and like generally speaking i think it would be out of character for gaara to like give that up... but contextually i could see him doing that. like stepping down when he's old is a different thing than like outright abdicating, and like i have ideas for fics following that but it's... definitely a very difficult thing to execute. like if you were to be like yeah gaara's gonna give up being kazekage to be with lee i would probably not read that fic. maybe you could write it well, but i don't really buy gaara doing something like that. if he were to give up being kazekage for like political reasons, that i could dig. but he's not giving it up for rock lee.

but again, speaking in absolutes is difficult because i think sometimes you can bend the rules and make it work. it just really depends on the story you're writing and how you execute it.

my biggest thing with writing any pairing centered fic--regardless of the pairing--is making sure that you don't get lost in the pairing. i want the two individuals involved to still be recognizable and to have enough driving force on the plot. like they need to be more than just a couple. and i think when you get down to it, if you don't want their interactions/relationship to be OOC then you have to know the characters individually.

how does gaara respond to people in general? how does he respond to his family vs his friends? how does he respond to lee vs anyone else? and why does he respond that way?

and the answer to these questions may change from fic to fic, depending on the context of the fic. For Absolution, Gaara and Lee are not friends so much as (once) friendly acquaintances--like they respect each other, but they were not truly friends prior to the events of Absolution. That was a necessary thing for the story. But in The Art of Love, they've been friends for years and years, because that was necessary for the plot.

So how Gaara responds to Lee changes between these two fics. But the important thing is it's still Rock Lee that he's responding to. i dunno if that makes sense, but it's like whether or not he's close to Lee prior to the events of the story you write, he is responding to Lee not a stranger--who is Rock Lee in Gaara's mind? Because that informs how he reacts to Lee.

if i were to like pick a few ooc things i'd say:

inequality/power imbalance in their relationship. There already exists an imbalance of power within their professional dynamic--Gaara is a Kage, Lee is a Chuunin/Jounin (depending). This is something that exists, whether they want it or not, so when it comes to the romantic aspect of their relationship, they need to be on equal footing. And Lee especially needs to feel he's equal to Gaara, if not by position in skill/strength. He needs to feel acknowledged and respected as a shinobi.

never acknowledging their past. the relationship simply cannot be all sunshine and roses. blood has been spilled between them, gaara sought to kill lee. sometimes things have to be hard, complicated, and even a lil ugly. maybe a lil mean. it's not healthy to never talk about difficult topics, and it would be OOC imo if gaara didn't express guilt and remorse for the pain he caused Lee. im not saying it has to be a big part of your fic, im not saying it even has to occur on screen within the fic, but it needs to have happened at some point in time. (this obviously applies mostly to canon, unless you're like transposing some aspect of the gaalee fight into an AU)

gaara and lee are both opposites attract, and two halves of a whole. in the above link where i talk about the tiger/dragon imagery, it's important to look at how that functions as a yin/yang dynamic and what that means. i think at the end of the day, their differences are more often than not superficial and products of their upbringing. Lee is loud, Gaara is quiet--but the are both kind and warm, for instance. they value the same things, even if they express themselves differently. they are more balancing than opposing forces. a lot of ppl use sun/moon for ship dynamics, which i think is great, but i don't think that suits lee and gaara, so much. sun/earth; wind/fire--those are definitely good elemental comparisons for them. but i think it's just really important to grasp that while Lee and Gaara are two very different people, they are at their cores very similar in a lot of ways too, and they ultimately create balance within each other.

anyways, i babbled a lot and i hope that all makes sense and helps. again im happy to answer more questions always!

and like i do think whenever you approach writing fanfiction, you wanna start with what you know about the characters and their relationship as its established in canon. you have to have your building blocks. once you have those building blocks then you can add onto the characters, and then you can build their relationship. play around with it and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

[nikkywrites]

Haunting Instinct

Summary: Olive ran from her past, years ago. Spent every minute trying to forget it. But it threatens her when a friend admits to giving an old enemy her name, warning that they’re still looking for her.

Warnings: childhood abuse if you squint hard enough, a bit of a mental breakdown/panic attack.

*****

Braden is complimenting her hair, calling her pretty like that undoes the last minute of her life, like that will earn him back the trust he's just crushed in his hands.

He just—

Her ears are roaring with the racing pound of her heart, drowning out his empty, pointless rambling compliments — a nervous habit, like the tick he does with his left hand. He's doing it now, she notes, as she struggles to breathe past the heated clench and frozen tremble of her throat. Her mind buzzes with his earlier words, echoing without diminishing. And beyond the nervousness sitting plain on his face, there's a flickering hope in his eyes. That the paper mache compliments will mend the chasm he's just dug between them.

Olive is harder to impress than that, harder to distract.

Though it doesn't stop her from noting it, from noticing. Trained instinct has her taking in everything and filing it away. She tastes old copper in the back of her mouth. She doesn't want that instinct anymore. Doesn't want to be her mother's daughter. Doesn't want to accept that Braden's given her up.

And the audacity of him to try to sweet talk his way out of this. How dare — sure he doesn't understand the full gravity of this, but — how dare he? This isn't a simple mistake. This isn't something he can talk his way out of.

He could say anything. Call the shit in the sewers beautiful. It would be as relevant, as important, as true as what he’s saying now — something about her coat. It was pointless. His opinion, subjective and changeable and voiced in the worst wrong moment.

That’s not where her focus really is though. All of her that isn’t half-stuck in a memory (sixteen and cold and guilty) is honed on him. What he said. What he did.

To think she thought him a friend — a brother.

She’s hyper vigilant. Noting the tiny details of his mannerisms in case there’s something important hidden there. A deeper, larger betrayal. A trap.

She cocks her hip out, hand gravitating to rest there, knuckles tight against the flight instinct she’s holding back. She swallows around the fear coated in her mouth. And, drawing on years of repression and pretending, composes her vocal cords enough that she can speak without her voice shaking. Confrontations, after all, are pitiful if one (she) breaks down during.

“What?”

She doesn’t have the time anyways. The clock is ticking, whatever answer he holds. She’s been found.

He chokes, mouth stumbling over what sounds like three different sentences as he processes her question. A flash of fear, briefly overtaking the nervousness. "You are!" he insists, not noticing the panic flared in her eyes, pressing on his stupid disjointed point like she was doubting his admiration. Like she has an insecurity issue, like she doesn't believe him. Like calling her pretty is the only thing he's said.

Like that's the only thing she could possibly be questioning.

He's ignoring the truth, she knows. Avoiding the worst, trying to see the mundane in this. Yet not seeing her mindless cast off to his words that she's projecting to cower behind. He should know better, on many counts. To ignore what he admitted, not seeing the truth of her posture, be it in the projected or the real. (Because how can he not see the panic? Her heart is beating in the base of her throat, pounding through her skin, beating at her collarbones, how the fuck can't he see that?). She doesn't care what he thinks. Especially now.

When he's daring to ignore it. What he's done -- given her name to those guard dogs. Fucking ignoring it. Does he think it doesn't matter?

His body language is screaming fear, too, his brown eyes focusing on hers and flying around like the man he spoke of will come back and clobber him. His fear is reassuring.

They're not coming. For the moment, she is safe. Safe to confront him. Safe to efficiently burn the bridge he's trying to rebuild between them.

She falls back into her head, into control. (It's dangerous to get distracted when you're scared, a voice hisses, familiar in ways she's tried to forget).

"What" —she clears her throat, staggering a step forwards to enter his personal space. "Repeat what you said," she strains, voice low, so wary of prying ears.

She needs to hear him say it again.

Ensure that her mind is not playing tricks, hearing betrayal where there was just an innocent compliment (not that she needs it. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her appearance. It held no value). She needs to hear that confession clearly, when the drumbeat of her heart doesn’t fuzz out the end of it.

Maybe she’s losing her mind. Let that be the case. Let her be overreacting to a compliment.

She needs to know if he’s really turned her in. If their friendship is truly lost.

If she really has to leave.

Braden sputters.

Olive would laugh if she wasn’t so fucking scared. This was absurd. This was important, how can he just — talk around it like it’s not there? Be able to even pretend to think that complimenting her makes up for shoving a knife in her back? Betraying her. Ruining the life she’s finally settled into.

She stifles it easily, thanks to the crawling feeling trailing up and down her spine.

His shoulders hunch in and forwards. “Olive, I— I didn’t mean to,” he chokes out, almost too breathy for her to decipher but relieving in that he’s finally acknowledging it.

A snort threatens to bubble up her throat at that, harder to bite back than the laugh. Does he really think that’s enough for her to forgive and forget? A wordier oopsie? This is her livelihood on the line. Her life. Her voice strains with the effort of holding in the mistimed amusement.

As if she could forgive or forget this.

(It’s what she gets for making a real friend).

"No," she spits out, low and stony in hopes that the message will beat itself into his skull so he’ll give her a moment to think without the backdrop of his fearful rambling. She just needs a moment. God, what was she going to do? Was he even after forgiveness? He has not asked for it or apologized properly. Is he not sorry? He’d hardly been able to admit his fault in the first place.

Was it no accident? Was he willing?

“How is that a fucking mistake?”

Her tone makes him flinch. It hurts and gives her some sick pleasure. A sinking guilt. She doesn't want to enjoy his fear, even if he should be feeling it.

There's a part of her, though, a part that has always longed to be comfortable that wishes he said nothing. It would damn her, but. She wouldn’t have to deal with this, if he hadn’t. She’d be stuck with demons she’s far more familiar with than him, in this context.

His throat bobs. There’s a bruise, green-blue, poking up out of his collar. Olive had noticed it when he walked up, of course, had been on the cusp of asking about it when– when he admitted what he did.

Then she knew.

He got it from whatever Hero captured and interrogated him. And he just — told him everything about her.

And, well, the part of her brain that’s scrambling to exonerate him thought that he was reluctant, that he had no choice. That it hadn’t been something he chose and there was still something to salvage. Except he hasn’t apologized and she doesn’t see any signs of guilt crushing him to the floor. He looks spooked and beaten but otherwise fine. He’s shaking in his fear but he’s able to look at her. If he felt anything about what he did-- he wouldn’t be able to look at her so easily. The guilt would be too much.

He’s not guilty and her pursuers know more about her than they did before they found him.

Braden made his choice.

“How could you?” she breathes, hurt lingering in the lightness of the question.

Olive backs up, retreating from the shuddering feeling of realization that’s beginning to flutter down around her. She calls it disgust, trying to be rational. To think she’d thought him a friend. Family, even. A tremor slams against her shoulders. She starts to turn, spin a 180 on her toe and get the hell out before her past catches her, but she stops midway, clicking her heel down.

“I can’t forgive that,” she says, unsure if she’s saying it to him or herself. This is no time to be forgiving, she tells herself, the words echoed in her voice and a much harsher one. Forgiveness is weakness. Weakness is getting yourself killed or worse.

She peers at him through narrow-lidded eyes, jaw tight against the hope plummeting down her throat. He does not look guilty, or sorry. Just afraid. Afraid of her and… not of her. If he was that scared to face her, a text would have delivered the message the same. Yet he insisted on doing it personally.

Why is she staying? She should be gone. Not hesitating. Hesitation was a fool’s game.

“Olive…” he stares at her with big, wet eyes.

He came seeking comfort, she realizes, for his fear of her to be unfounded. But he blocked out that chance by saying the one thing that would make her run. Her self-preservation was too strong to risk everything by staying so she could keep him from breaking. He wounded her freedom and came to her to— what? Make amends and pretend he did nothing at all?

“You should,” she says, “never speak of me again. Forget we were ever friends.” She has to look after herself — the first rule. The most important. If he’s a traitor, he’s a traitor.

Nothing to salvage from that.

(Everything to salvage, if she just learns the details. She should. Was it just her name, innocent enough or does he know, somehow? Know everything she’s been running from?)

She’s not one to hold a grudge (liar), but she’s not one to sweep away the past without proper rectification either.  If he doesn’t fix the bridge he’s started burning, if he doesn’t convince her that he wasn’t eager to throw down the match, she’ll watch it crumble into the river.

This can become water under the bridge or there can be no bridge for the water to race beneath.

It’s his choice.

It shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t get any more chances. She should leave, but. Aren’t the details important?

“Twenty minutes,” she sighs, with a grumble. She’s gotten too soft. “Come on.”

She completes her turn and lifts her foot to take her first step towards a nearby bench. This is necessary. She needs the details, the who and the why and the what. And if he happens to explain himself, fix things. Well. That’s his matter. It’ll be hopeless if he tries but it’ll speak volumes to his motive whether he does or not.

It’s not a surprise, though, really, that he hasn’t tried yet. She knows him (that’s why this is stinging so much) but it still hurts that he’s not trying to smooth it all over immediately like she might have hoped. They’ve argued before but only over petty matters and misunderstandings they were able to talk out. There are no words, she reminds herself sternly, to make what he did right.

He sold her out.

He didn’t assist in a ploy to capture her (thank god. If he was in on it and smooth enough, she might have fallen for it), but he gave them her name which is a secret she’s kept for years. It was a starting point, them gaining headway on their fucking investigation that had nothing to do with her.

Or, well, it did. Had everything to do with her, in a sense. Not in how they think, though, potentially. Are they looking because of Wisconsin or because of that last job? She has skeletons to hide and some do lie where they are looking but she refuses to be buried for her family. The skeletons buried back then weren’t buried alone and she won’t suffocate for things her family forced her to do, the only thing she knew how to, won’t fall alone to mask their sins. She’s shrugged off everything she can from them, skeletons and memories and a name she does not respond to (but not, her brain snarls, the instincts. She knows better. She’s failing. It’s a miracle she isn’t caged or dead).

She hasn’t associated with them for years (since she was able to escape), longer than she’s been keeping her name private from the people who are desperately searching for a weak link in her family’s bloodline, for a chance to tear them all down. She has what they want. Names and addresses and aliases. But turning them in means doing the same for herself. Meant facing her demons. She won’t go down for her family and she’ll drag Braden down if he tries. She’ll ruin him if he even attempts to ruin her.

She won’t enjoy it. She never has. But she is capable of it, even without the shadow of her family as a threat lurking at her back. She learned from the best and those lessons linger.

“What?” he calls, too loud on the sidewalk.

She can feel his presence behind her, hear him scrambling to chase her. Her nails dig into her palm. She stops to glare at him over her shoulder. Was it not obvious? “You have twenty minutes,” she repeats. “I want everything you’ve said. Cooperate and I’ll call us even. I’ll let you go, just this once.”

She’s gone soft.

Why is she giving him the chance? He betrayed her, gave her name. Names can be traced to places traced to her. Does he not understand that? Does he not understand why she’s doing this? Why she’s threatening him with things she’s not sure she can carry out? Why she’s pulling back from their friendship?

She settles on the bench, the cold biting through her jeans.

His loyalty has a price.

A scuffle and some questions and he spit up everything they wanted to know. Someone like her can’t be close to people whose loyalty can be tarnished. Whose loyalty can be bought. She has secrets and a life she has to struggle to keep. Civilian life was hard. He was a threat to that.

Maybe she’s being a little irrational. Overreacting like her family is known to do because he didn’t tell them anything important, just an alias she can throw out and use to guide them on a wild goose chase, but he was put under pressure and he caved.

If he was willing to give her name over a little scuffle, a few bruises, what would he give over a broken bone? His life?

So no. She wasn’t overreacting. He settles beside her, clumsy and hesitant. He was a threat to her. She was going to leave, for good. Had no choice. It was run or be caught.

Too soft, she mourns. Civilian life is getting you killed. She can’t have friends that know who cave. He can’t– betray her, even if it was minimal, and expect her to welcome him back. She’s forgiving, she knows, with his mistakes but he’s never messed up like this before, putting her in danger.

He’s had the chance (a simple phone call to a hotline available at all times). This is the first time he’s taken it.

“Olive, please,” he begs, fingers twitching to grab at hers. She keeps her face smooth and thanks herself for telling him another alias as her real name even if that is the name she likes best for herself, one she’s particularly fond of. If she’s being honest… she doesn’t have a ‘real name’. But the one her family gave her isn’t the one he knows. If it was, she’d already be behind bars. “They had a gun on me, I didn’t know what else to do!”

Olive’s blood runs cold.

A gun? That– no. That was wrong. Extreme, out of place. There shouldn’t have been a gun, not if…

Heroes don’t threaten lives like that. Not directly, at least. Lord knows they were responsible for their share of injuries and worse but those were always a byproduct of Super Battles, of subduing Villains — easily explained and pardoned. She could see them scuffing Braden up a bit and threatening him, but a gun? That was horribly out of character.

That means—

“Did you see them? Notice anything that stood out?”

She has a sinking feeling.

She knows the culprit behind this, now, and it’s not the one she originally assumed. But it can’t be. But it could and if she’s right, she can’t blame him. She can’t say he’s a liability or a threat if she’s right.

It would change everything. But she prays it isn’t. Let it be that the Heroes or agents are too eager, that someone stepped out of line and Braden betrayed her. That’s easy. She can cope with that. It hurts but the alternative is so much worse.

Please let her not be right.

“I… it’s fuzzy,” he says, frowning at his knees. “My head felt weird. I didn’t… their voice was odd, too.” His brows pinch together. “Echo-y. I don’t know, it was… weird.”

Oh.

Oh, no.

“Were you told to lead me somewhere?” she asks.

He looks at her, eyes damp. “No.” He shakes his head.

Olive pulls the corner of her lip in her teeth. “Did… did he tell you to tell someone something?” She’d say that name, the one he would have said, but. She doesn’t want to out herself unnecessarily. She doesn’t want to wrap her tongue around the acid in those syllables.

She’d die before someone calls her that again.

“Yes.” He hesitates, eyeing her in a new way, pupils blown wide and whites stark. “...how did you know that?”

“Because.” It’s her turn to hesitate now. She glances subtly at her surroundings, at anyone who may be listening, pairing memory and guesswork against the people milling about. What if he’s here? “That was… I know who that was,” she explains, in the vaguest way she can. Then, because the truth is already confirmed and she owes Braden for doubting him. “That was my uncle,” she whispers, like the dark secret it is. It only makes sense.

The fogginess, the voice… She always hated Uncle Felix’s power.

But how did he find her? How did he find him? She ran alone, no one to pull her plans from. She was careful to keep her current self from her past, from the people she shares blood with. Paper trails were easy to follow and hers leads to the east coast, to Florida.

She’s not on the east coast. Not in Florida.

“What?” His eyes, comically, widen further. “Your Uncle?”

She nods. “Probably.” There’s a chance it was his son – they were still waiting to see if he picked up powers and there was a chance he inherited them from his father. She swallows, breath catching. “What were you told to say?”

Braden dips his chin. “I, uh, was told to tell– um.”

Olive’s hands shake. Don’t say it, she pleads. Aloud, she fills in his hesitation. “A Villain?”

“...yes.” He nods.

“And you were told…” she trails off, for him to complete her sentence.

He tugs at his left thumb, his nervous tick popping up again. “To tell… them,” his eyes lower to the concrete, “that they will not be able to stay hidden.”

Olive’s breath shudders out. 

She thought they wrote her off. A lost cause.

“And,” he continues, “that they will not stop looking.”

“Oh,” she practically mouths, the word dissolving like medicine tablets in water around her. Her family was still looking. Time has not freed her as much as she hoped it would, has not watered her from their memory or lagged their search. “Oh.”

“That’s not” —Braden clears his throat. “What does it matter?”

She shifts her feet under her, pressing the balls of her feet against the floor. Adjusting her weight as assurance that despite how it feels, the world has not fallen out from under her. “That’s a long story,” she says. Pulls air into her lungs and pushes it out. As long as she is still drawing breath, she can salvage things. Herself. “You should go. It’s…” she stands, shoving her hands into her coat pockets. “I have to leave and… it’s dangerous for you.”

“I–” his hand brushes near her elbow. Ghostly. She is unsure if the touch is meant to be soothing for him or her. “I already know,” he says, an odd sadness to his tone. “Let me help you.”

“We’d have to leave for good,” she tells him. “It wouldn’t be… entirely legal. I don’t know that we’d ever stop.”

He shifts to the edge of the bench, clasping her arm tighter. “But I won’t be left alone,” he says slowly, like a realization, “will I?”

“I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head, stares up at her. “We’re friends, right?” he asks, and she knows that her answer is important. He’s pieced it together. He’s not tossing her aside. She still has a reputation and he can’t ignore it. But he’s not running.

She nods, after a heavy moment. “Yeah. We are.”

“Then let me come with you.”

“You won’t be able to take that back,” she warns.

“I know. You’re family.”

Her breath catches. She holds his gaze. She should leave him behind. It was easier to find a pair than a lone person. But he knows too much. Fragments of the bigger picture, a past she swore when leaving that she’d never share. He was a friend and she trusted him, despite all the reasons she shouldn’t. “Okay,” she whispers. “If you’re sure.”

He grins. It’s lopsided, imperfect, but genuine. “I said I’d follow you anywhere, didn’t I?” He stands. “Us against the world, remember?”

She huffs, half poking-punching him in the side. “I was giving you an out, asshole. This isn’t a joke.”

“On brand, though.” He tips his head back. “Always knew you had a shady past.”

“Too soon,” she says. It was more than shady. Was awful. And they were on a time crunch. She was prepared to disappear, but she wasn’t prepared for him. She had to adapt. “I have a safe space,” she tells him. “It should be okay while I get you figured out.”

“Okay,” he agrees.

She sees how this overwhelms him, how out of his depth he is. It’s to be expected. He’s normal, from a normal family, he grew up living a normal life. He didn’t grow up in a family of Super Villains.

“I’ll keep you safe,” she promises, the words slipping out without her agreement.

It’s something she wants to promise. That means it will be hard for her to have. She’ll have to fight for it to be true. That’s fine. She’s fought before. She can hold her own. She can keep him safe, too, since that’s what he wants and she’s weak not to do what’s best for him. She’s been hungry for a friend like him since she was a little girl, shaking from her mother’s harsh tone.

“Don’t worry,” she tells him.

He clings to her arm, probably bruising her, but she doesn’t care. She’s had far worse. “Okay,” he says. “I trust you.”

Her chest constricts. What did she do to earn him? This fathomless trust?

She’s a criminal. And yes, she’s seen him like a brother, but. Family-like ties have never been sturdier than any other. But Braden… she bonded to him so deeply. Cared so damn much. Her mother would have opinions on that. Bonds are means of destruction, dearest. You must not have any. They’ll ruin you.

Looking at Braden, the person who’s never questioned her, who has become her piece of normal, who has always welcomed her, she amends her mother’s warning into a hope. They can save you, too.

And if she has to run forever to keep that, the normalcy he brings her, so be it.

She’ll do what she has to.

*****

Olive and Braden will be coming back, eventually. How do you like them?

Taglist: @super-writer-gal @mr-writes

[undercoverpena]

Hey so i wanted to reach out and say that your writing is so so good and in depth that it just mesmerizes me, it's like a poetry and your grasp of ghost's characters made me fall in love with the character even more.

I wanted to ask: do you think he has attachment issues and not just in a romantic sense but all around? the way you convey him really speaks volumes to me as he's someone that can love someone but never properly expressing it, at least not through words, also it's probably not important since call of duty is not at all about any of this but it's really nice seeing writers explore and imagine characters in a different light . To me he just seems like the type of person that ultimately respects and loves his s/o but will require his own space aswell and the kind of vibe is especially if it's soldiers we talk about, people loving each other but never fully being able to be together. Idk im rambling but i think he's a good character people can explore in fics and give him different stories. Regardless, lovely work and I'd love to see what you think (if you want to ofc!)

aww thank you so much, that's so sweet of you.

i feeeeeel like this is a very loaded question, and I'm going to do my *best* at answering, but i feel i should preface this by saying: this is entirely my opinion, lots of other writers, artists, fans, cod players etc will have their own, but this is mine.

yes. i think he has a lot of issues and attachment issues is one of them.

it's expected though, with the trauma he has been through, the way he has to compartmentalise not just the things he's seen but the things he has to do, is super understandable. what will make the romantic side even more difficult for him is because he doesn't know what box to put his romantic partner in? especially if he meets them through his job. i think he likes order and that just seems messy and complex and out of his very sleep-deprived brain's capacity.

but, do i think he's very much capable of love? yes. will it be conventional or like the 'standard' most expect or see in movies, no.

but it'll be in the little things.

he's deffo not someone i imagine will find romance easy, and acts of service is deffo something he'll find the easiest. for example, him showing up for 'rain', and needing to check in on her, in my opinion, is what he can comfortably manage and articulate. him showing up for someone, him taking matters into his own hands to make someone's day a little better? is very much him. he will show it with actions, big or small. whereas rain, who also has acts of service (i kinda imagine from friends I have in the military-sphere that acts of service is a big one), is someone who wants to take care of someone, she finds comfort easy and makes them food, will get them a blanket, make them a bed etc. it's instinctive for her to show and easy for her to also show affection, physical touch, and while lots of people would overlook them, i imagine for him, even the small ones, feel really freaking huge.

for your point/question of loving someone but not being able to be fully with them, in my head, he's 'been' with people, but he's not really been with people, if you get me. i can imagine it feels a lot to let them in, and for them to put up with. which is why i keep tending to lean towards people from the military, as it's one less hurdle for him to have to try and get around. it's not that i think it'll be impossible, but it'll take so much work and time, and he doesn't have a lot. even with people he does meet in the military, there's the whole fear that if they get too close, they'll get hurt, either because of him or by him as he’s not sure what he can give someone.

do i think he's fearful of people seeing the real him? a little, but i think it's more that he'd just rather not form attachments because he can compartmentalise that better. it's easier. less hassle. because he does trust some people, even before this particular game, if we think back to price and him greeting him when he takes off his mask.

anyway, somewhat steering back to the initial question and using rain x ghost as an example, i don't think they'd struggle to show each other they care/love one another, but i think they'd struggle with finding a dynamic that works. ghost is used to being solo, working alone, being alone. he's already let a team in, and bonded in his own way, but loving someone is inviting them past that threshold a bit more. it's different. he'll struggle with it because he's not sure how to be without an action, and sometimes one isn't always needed. him showing up, when there's nothing wrong, doesn't have the same impact as it does when something is, so for rain, him being there may not seem a lot, but for him its huge.

for rain, the dynamic of him giving her orders, maybe benching her, will drive her mad because, irrespective of her feelings, she has a point to prove, and she'll worry (constantly, knowing the complex anxious issues i give my readers) and want to show him nothing has changed. even if even he can tell it has. she'd also likely whittle about the fact that it has changed, and she doesn't want it to, because she thinks he needs it to not look like it has. not realising that he doesn't make decisions lightly, he expected things to shift/change/evolve. this is a man who thinks through everything, and perfectly executes what he's told to do.

so, i think they'll both need space. they'll also need to find a rhythm, and they'll both find they do things for the other without making a song and dance about it. he might make her a drink because she looks like she needs it; she might persuade soap to go for a walk with her, so ghost can have time alone. he might show up when her plane lands or find her to be there in case she needs something; she might find him painkillers and leave them on his pillow because she knows he isn't sleeping and that he gets headaches when he doesn't.

i'm not sure i've answered your question with facts, more ideas and headcanons i guess, but this is how I've shaped him. and that's how we ended up with the latest piece, and probably helen.simon because in both of those worlds, he's trying to wrap his head around 'what it all means'. i think he has a cargo plane full of things to work through, but i also think the people i write him with tend to know that without him verbalising it, and allow him the time/patience he needs to shift through that.

but yeah, there we go. one very long answer to a question I'm still not sure I've answered. sorry, anon.

[o-wyrmlight]

please give me a reason therapy is good because my friend needs therapy badly but he wont go cause he think it wont help and since youre an adult hed believe you over me

So there are a few reasons why someone wouldn't go to therapy.

There's the fear of judgement from the therapist. There's the fear that the therapist might try to persuade you down a religious or cult-ish path, which unfortunately does happen in some circles of therapists. There's the concern that the therapist might try to convince you to disbelieve certain aspects of yourself--whether it be you being trans, or gay, or any other shade of queer that doesn't align with their personal views.

Most importantly, people fear going to therapists because they simply feel like it doesn't help.

You can be in a situation where you can't escape what it is you need help dealing with--such as an abusive household, or spouse, or roommate, or in a position where you can't actively escape from.

These are all valid fears, every single one. These are all possibilities. I've been to therapy myself, and I don't think it really helped me all that much.

But I think that's because I didn't have the right one for what I needed. And that's the thing about therapists--there are a lot of different flavors to them, and ultimately it's up to you as a patient to find one that you feel comfortable and confident speaking with. You can have interviews with them where you ask them questions and they answer--I'm sure there are some who do so. And that way, you'll get a better read on how your prospects actually are, and how they'll be able to help you.

Therapy didn't really work for me. My mom got me a therapist a few years ago and she was the first and only one I ever really saw. I don't think she was the right therapist for me. I also don't think that I was or even am in a situation to escape the biggest issues causing mental exasperation in my life. So I know about that fear and how... useless it can seem.

But I also know that sometimes, talking helps. Even if you aren't looking for advice or insight, talking and ranting to someone who will listen can help. Sometimes all you really need is somebody to talk to, and there's a therapist out there willing to give you an ear.

Sometimes you just need someone to remind you that--no, you weren't wrong in thinking this about that, or in doing this or wanting that. Someone who can help you--at the very least, understand what you're dealing with, help you take small steps toward self-improvement, even just... listen. There's something to that, I think.

So if your friend is afraid of finding a therapist that isn't right for him, remind him that for every shitty therapist trying to project their own beliefs onto you, there is at least one who cares about people and wants to help people like him. If he's afraid because he's in a situation where he can't escape, he can still talk about it to someone and vent and ramble and rave to his heart's content.

Likely he isn't going to find the right therapist at first, but think of it like buying a pair of shoes. You want to make sure the shoe fits and is comfortable before you actually buy it, and you want one that fits the needs of what you want it for.

[sunsetcarnation264]

I mean, since you offered- who are your Poly Monkeys' fankids? What do you have about them so far?

Oh yes, rambling time! I've only thought of names for five of them so far, but there's: Marino Obsidian (Antauri + Nova) Hermodactyloides (subgenus of the iris flower) (Gibson + Sprx), no middle name yet. Nicknames being Hermo (friends and family only), Dactyle Soma (Gibson + Antauri) Peridot Gears (Nova + Otto) Jasper Skye, which you already know is Nova and Sprx's kid lol I gave nearly all of them middle names as well because I wanted them to at least feel like they have parts of both parents. Soma's probably gonna be the only one to not have a middle name because I feel like soma would be fitting enough in two different ways- The anatomy and cytology nature of it (Gibson's side, being the scientist) and the fact it's merely a corporeal body, something our spirits reside in so we can actually do things in (Antauri's side, having died once and him I imagine being more spiritual than the others). Nova's kids having gemstones in their names is meant to be a nod towards how she might like gems in the first season which look I'm gonna say she totally loves them and collects them. I will not take anything else for an answer X'D /lh Jasper and Nova are really close. Jasper inherited Nova's love of gems and Jasper wanted to know everything about gemstones because of it. They're also a pranking duo because Nova likes to help with the more harmless pranks and fuck with Sprx and Gibson lol. Needless to say, there were quite a few heart attacks the two gave them XD She goes to Nova and Gibson whenever she finds a new gemstone or just wants to know more about them overall. Whenever I think of her speaking I just think of Daffy Duck lol, like in terms of how she talks. She's the one I thought about stuff for the most so far and I absolutely love this trouble-making but energetic and kind-hearted gem enthusiast Next up is Dactyle. They're almost as energetic as their sister (which if Gibson had to handle both Dactyle and Jasper by himself, he'd be dying at the end of the day BECAUSE HELP HIM THEY'RE TOO HYPER FOR HIM-) but unlike her they're not as much of a troublemaker. They just tend to be a little all over the place. They're a linguist and knows quite a few languages (what they are and how many, I'm uncertain). They sometimes speak in a different language to mess with their siblings, to which almost nobody but Marino understands since he figures it's best to know a few languages just in case. Jasper and Dactyle are pretty close despite having different interests Marino takes after Antauri the most out of everyone, but he's not as stoic. He's considered the responsible one out of the ten Peridot is a sweetie, though she tends to be oblivious so you can't be vague with her. Thankfully most of the family aren't with her, and if they are vague then oh whoops forgot to make it clear for PG. She's one of the stronger kids, taking after her mom on that, but if it's possible she wants to go the least violent or hurtful option because she doesn't want to hurt anyone Soma has an appreciation of both science and spirituality. His line of thinking is that if science can't answer it, maybe something spiritual/supernatural or magical will. Alongside Marino, he's a mediator and tends to be one of the responsible kids. He likes doing art stuff with papa Otto Sprx and Antauri's kid (unsure of what to name him yet) is a fiesty one. He tends to have anger issues, but Antauri, Soma, and Marino manage to calm him down when it’s needed. He's a "attack first, ask questions later" kinda guy if anyone were to threaten someone in his family. He's a grumpy lil monkey but he means well and he's generally a protective guy. That's all I've thought about for the kids so far in terms of what they're like individually ha. As lil monkeys, some of them decided to prank Chiro by calling him Uncle Chiro instead of Papa Chiro like he's been calling himself (since he helps with the kids too and is basically like one of their parents) which ultimately backfired in the most wholesome way possible and Chiro ended up crying to the others like THEY CALLED ME UNCLEEEEEE and the kids were surprised like wait WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S HAPPY ABOUT THAT Needless to say, after that, they keep calling him uncle bc yes absolutely

[dev-fiction]

hi:) how are you doing,how's writing going?

Hello! I am doing well, for the most part! I've finally finished my latest bout of physical therapy and I've gotten some answers to some other medical issues, so honestly? Things are going better than I expected at the start of 2024.

Speaking of which, it seems like this is the year of writing for me. Almost all of my free time has been invested into writing, to the point that I've got like 10 different documents ranging from 5k to 60k words.

You're probably wondering: 'what changed?', which - very valid question. I haven't posted much in years after all, but there's been quite a few adjustments in my life over the course of the last year that have led to a lot of introspection.

Writing is difficult for me overall: I put my whole self into it and it can be very draining because of that. For the last 6 years I've been weighed down by both physical and mental health hurdles as well as a somewhat abusive relationship which I've only recently left.

I've also only recently learned not to invest so much of myself into my writing and to enjoy it for what it is. That doesn't mean that it can't still be difficult, but now instead of it being this insurmountable exhausting force it's a challenge to be overcome.

So, the tldr; I'm a lot better than I have been in a while and writing has been fantastic. I can't wait to post more.

Here, have a sneak peak of something that might not ever see the light of day! (I enjoy posting sneak peaks a little bit too much for my own good, apologies.)

“You’re hiding something from me.”

They’re ambling at an easy pace across a winding dirt path that stretched out beyond them, framed on all sides by sprawling farmland; their walkway was a beaten down patch of feldspar and micas, a familiar road that spiraled towards a simple two story abode otherwise known as home.

“No I’m not,” her older brother scoffs back, but beyond his bangs the tips of his ears were burning bright cherry red - a honing beacon of deceit that she’d be remiss in not exploiting, and she harrumphs triumphantly at the tell-tale sign, turning to her twin for back up when-

“What!” she says, a little flabbergasted, “Not you too!”

He’s flushed in full; refusing to meet her eyes, lips puckered, and it’s the deep crease in his brows that has her slowing down as she realizes that whatever it was they were hiding, they’d been doing so for a while now - longer, at least, than she initially thought. A glance at the oldest among them and the way his fingers were tapping an unsteady beat atop his crossed arms - even as he met her gaze head on - tells her all she needs to know, and the sharp sting of betrayal that runs a hot course across her skin is so sudden and piercing that it has her staggering to a halt entirely.

There’s sticky acid taking the form of venom-soaked words worming its way up her throat, and she bites down on her lip harshly to keep the resentment from boiling over; instead, she takes hold of her backpack in a white-knuckled grip and lets the tight bundle of tumultuous emotions brewing in her stomach settle and sink into a cold indifference that has her shouldering past her brothers roughly to set off at a quicker pace.

They call out behind her, but she ignores them and resolves to eat the muffin her twin had been saving for a snack later; a petty nonconsequential form of revenge that will do little to sate the burning torrent beneath her skin, but will also garner her the least amount of wounded-kitten looks.

She’d noticed the signs about a week ago.

There had been smaller, unconventional moments leading up to that first instance of major skepticism. A misplaced word leading into stumbling, rambling excuses, expression faltered as sharp eyes flitted from hers - puzzle pieces she hadn’t known she was collecting slotting together into this great inescapable thing that had cracked open; her brother, hiding something from her.

[geothenerd]

On friendships

Just writing my thoughts about friendships, since it's been on my mind recently. This post will probably be long. I'm no professional in the subject, these are just my thoughts, no more, but no less.

=-=-=-=-=-=

The obvious question at this point would be "What is a good friendship?" or "What's the difference between a good and a bad friendship?" The answer isn't as simple as you'd think.

It's important to note that there is no one good kind of friendship, or one way a friendship can look. There are infinite kinds of friendship, each made unique by the individuals in that friendship. So, while I cannot paint an exact picture of "the perfect friendship", I'll list a few things I believe are necessary to healthy and happy friendships.

🍃Everyone in the friendship should feel safe. This may be a more unconscious or difficult to understand aspect, but it is important. Your gut and instincts can often pick up on things your conscious cannot, so if you feel uneasy or unsafe around someone, this could hint at an underlying issue. These feelings can come from many different things, all of them varying in severity and importance, so it's important to analyze the situation and individual specifically before jumping to conclusions. Make sure to take your gut feelings into consideration, but make sure they don't make you paranoid or control you.

🍃Communication should be uninhibited. This ties into the two other aspects of feeling safe to do so in the first place, as mentioned above, and having respect and good boundaries, which I will cover shortly. Friends should allow you to speak your mind. If they mock, shame, or otherwise ridicule you for opening up, that is a sign of toxic or inattentive people.

🍃Your friends should have respect for you, and you should for them. This includes having established boundaries that everyone is comfortable with and goes along with. This is self explanatory.

🍃You and your friends should be kind to one another. This seems obvious, but I can't tell you how often I see people stick around with people who treat them like absolute shit. What this kindness looks like will vary from person to person, since everyone shows affection and appreciation differently, and some more openly than others. Some friends also tease or act unkind as a joke, which is fine, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and is made clear to be a joke alone. A large part of this will include learning about your friend's individual personality, how they give and receive kindness or affection. This also comes into play with boundaries, as finding ways and times when your friend will feel comfortable showing and receiving affection is extremely important. Make sure to experiment and discover what ways you like spreading kindness as well, it is healthy to learn more about yourself and in what ways you're comfortable expressing positive emotions.

=-=-=-=-=-=

That's all I can think of for now, but I may expand on this later. Thanks for reading my rambles :)

[yxstxrdrxxm]

Hi, hi, I hope you don’t mind a few curious questions about the lore of One Last Call ^^;

1. In addition to managing MixMatch, does Boss have any other roles/ job titles in Celestia Inc.?? How long has he been in charge of MixMatch + affiliated with Celestia Inc.?? And judging by this drabble, is it correct to assume that only coworkers/ close associates can know about Boss’s job??

2. Aside from MixMatch, are there any other apps or companies under Celestia Inc.?? If yes, could you pls give a few examples??

If any of these questions can’t be answered for lore reasons, I understand :0

Oh, I can answer that for you! I... Think. Eros is asleep right now, but I'm sure that she can verify it for me tomorrow morning.

(She's fine now ^^ she'll get checked up by the doc and we'll see if she needs to stay a week longer... Which I hope it won't affect our jobs)

We don't know much about Boss, actually, but you are right. Close associates know of his past occupation BEFORE he took care of MixMatch in Celestia Inc. (or, accurately speaking, one of it's branches). Eros knows what his job is, but she doesn't talk to me about it. All I know is that he's been involved in shady practices in Enkanomiya until everything went wrong.

There are other companies/projects/apps under Celestia Inc., but they're covered in different branches. One of them covers restaurants, with the theme changing on the whim of the main bigwig there (she's... Eccentric. REALLY eccentric.), another is a ministry, and there's even one that covers media and transportation. You can say Celestia Inc. has many branches that covers various things, but some people complained that it's getting really greedy...

I'll make this a hundred percent clear— Celestia Inc. is one of the biggest companies of Teyvat. However, it's not the only company that is made here. Astral Express is actually another company that clashes with Celestia Inc., since they cover transportation, media, and even things that we can't do in other branches!

Honestly... It's a big of a headache, though. Even if this branch will get taken or something, it doesn't even settle the main issue.

...

Oh, sorry, I must be rambling.

I hope that answers your question, though. It's been a while since I'm able to talk freely now, hehe!

Hope you have a great day ahead, Jessamine ^^

[boku-no-anime-phase]

Gender in Tomo-chan is a Girl!: a BNAP ramble/review(?)

Spoilers for the show... Obviously.

To be honest, I watched this show because I desperately wanted it to have a fulfilling queer reading. I'm a genderqueer person, often labeled a "tomboy", and I'm married to a man. There's a shocking lack of love stories about a complete tomboy and a man, where the tomboy doesn't have to change themself to be more feminine in order to get their love interest's attention. I really hoped this show would defy that trend and show us a boy falling in love with a gloriously boyish girl.

Other people might have different opinions, but in that sense I really felt like this show fell on its face.

The relationship the show has with Tomo's gender is fraught from the very beginning. She's very tomboyish, with boyish mannerisms and hobbies and a warm alto voice. Overall she is a delight as a character and seems happy with herself. The ONLY reason she seems to want to be "seen as a girl" is to get the attention of her love interest - Jun, a childhood friend who only sees her as a bro.

A show with more guts might have taken on the challenge of answering questions like, "what does getting your crush's attention look like without compromising who you are?" And "do you have to conform to gendered ideals in order to be noticed romantically?" But.... This show kind of dances past those questions without answering them.

Of course, given my own identity, I'm biased to read this as "Tomo doesn't actually care about being seen as a girl, she just wants to get Jun's attention," but even putting my reading aside, there are issues. The people around Tomo constantly invalidate her for who she says she is - a girl. Despite using feminine pronouns and repeatedly insisting that she is, in fact, a girl and wants to be seen as one, her friends and acquaintances call her a boy/man and say she has no femininity to speak of. That seems pretty cruel and, again reflecting on my own experience, even though I've had the opposite experience (people insisting I'm more feminine than I am), it sucked to watch because I've been there! And it doesn't feel good when others invalidate your gender, especially when you've explicitly communicated your feelings to them.

Now, disclaimer, I watched this show when it first aired and haven't been back to it since. My memory is fuzzy. What I do remember is being unsatisfied with the resolution. Even though everything "works out" and Jun admits to liking her "as she is", it feels like she did ultimately get his attention by trying to act like someone she's not. Or by showing off her... ahem... Assets. Which.... 😬 I probably don't need to explain why I don't feel good about that.

Additionally, the final episode being the old misogynistic classic, "fight for the right to date the girl," despite not being the most egregious version I've ever seen, still rubbed me wrong.

And on top of all of that, the show's canon queer character (Misuzu!) also doesn't really get a particularly satisfying arc either. Again, it's ok if you disagree with me, but I'm kind of tired of "queer character magnanimously helps her crush get with a guy" in media. Like, come on. It's 2023.

Overall, despite the things I liked about the show (Tomo as a person, Misuzu, the relationships between the 3 main girls), I was pretty disappointed with it. I love that gay and lesbian romances are becoming more popular, but there's room for much more queer and queer-resonant media even outside of that, when you start getting into gender. What could be more romantic than someone seeing you as you actually are and falling in love with you for it, despite not having normal gender roles as a blueprint? The possibilities are endless and I'm hungry for them. Unfortunately, for me, this show really didn't deliver.

[gaymerasmus]

Ayo, i've arrived for a tf2 matchup bc im assuming ur requests r open? If not we'll pretend this never happened💀 My pronouns are she/he, i'm 5'4, my MBTI is INTJ and my sun sign is gemini. I'm VERY into metal/goth culture and 80s pop/industrial and i wear alot of makeup and dress for shock value p much. I have 10 piercings and a single finger tattoo but i def want more of both soon. I can play bass but not professionally.

I do not seem approachable at all partly due to my fashion choices but also bc of my resting bitch face and mean spirited sarcasm. I harbor severe anger issues that i luckily control most of the time. I keep people at arm's length, even purposefuly "unsettling" them to test them if they are willing to hang out around me since i am p intense as you can tell. Once comfortable around someone i DO NOT stop talking. I love debates/mental stimulation so anyone who's willing to "handle me" and engage into the convo would be ideal.

On another hand, i have a bad habit of bottling up any emotion that isn't anger so i'm def not the best at showing any feelings. I am hyper aware so i can def tell if someone likes me it's just that i myself suck at expressing lmao. The least i do is drop hints and "annoy" others by making up excuses to hang around them.

As for interests, i'm big on sociology, psychology (very fond of analyzing ppl), philosophy as well as being intrigued by anatomy. I love horror and true crime media and am fond of binging movies and videos of said nature.

That would be all, tysm if u so decide to do it💜

Sorry for the wait I hope you like it :))) you've been paired with

Mr. Mundee Motherf*cking Snoipah!

It took one look at you to activate this man's Simp neuron and it has not turned off since.

Maybe a little "opposites attract" but something about the difference in your style really gets him going.

Adding on to that point, it seems like that difference also plays into your dynamic personality-wise. Unless he's been drinking (or hanging around you) he really doesn't speak much, but loves to listen to you ramble.

The only exception to this would be when he feels like going back and forth on things you both find interesting. Anyone outside of this might say it looks like bickering more than a debate, but he really does love talking with you. He can't help but smile when your face lights up as you think up another point to make.

Another difference would be how you act when you realize the other has caught feelings. You may not show it much, but that doesn't stop Sniper from straight up asking if you've developed feelings at the first hint. He would also be extremely blunt about how he feels in return, but he definitely won't say anything if you don't question it.

However it really isn't that difficult to tell with him. He finds you distracting, to say the least. It's very easy to catch him staring at your newest outfit or makeup, or just you altogether. Blushes like crazy when you call him out on it though.

Sometimes on a slow day he might try to find you on his scope, nestled away in his tower where he can (spy) admire you in peace.

He'll definitely say like "hate to see you leave, love to watch you go" or something corny like that to flirt.

He'll never admit it but he enjoys the company you offer. He spends a lot of time alone and, despite it being "just work", sometimes he can't help but feel isolated.

So, even though you do sometimes really annoy him, he loves having you around. He wouldn't mind the occasional visit to his nest while he's working, he might even give you a shot at sniping people.

Oh and good luck trying to ruffle his feathers. Dude's literally died (by his coworker's own hand) seen heaven and came back (also by his coworker's hand). Not to mention before that he tied up his boss and other coworker and threatened to mutilate them for answers about his parents. Man is the master of being unsettled, but he doesn't mind you trying.

Part of why you get along so well may also be because Sniper is an Aries! (I did a little sleuthing and found NOTHING so I drug myself though as many birthday headcanons as I could find and came out with January 23rd.) Gemini and Aries are often paired together because of their shared habit of connecting on an intellectual level.

All of this points toward a match that would be stimulating as well as understanding. Wether it be work or personal reservations, Sniper isn't one to let people get too close too often. So when he feels a connection with you he can't stop himself from wanting to be spoiled by your company. He just thinks you're really cool <3

[kinetic-elaboration]

100 Days of Writing: Day Nine

Hobbling along with 100 days of writing, @the-wip-project and tagging my fellow participants @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold @thelittlefanpire and @hopskipaway.

Structure as offense and characterization as defense, or the other way around. Is this something you think about? Do you have other metaphors when you think about your stories and how they work?

Picking today’s prompt to reflect on as the path of least resistance because I do not feel well and creativity is just not on my mind.

I don’t get this metaphor at all lol because I don’t know anything about sports but also... I just don’t think of my writing metaphorically I guess. I’ll be even more honest and say that I just don’t think structurally in this manner at all, like, how are the parts moving and what is in opposition to what and what’s the motivation and what’s the driving force or whatever. 

I guess to some degree I approach writing like I do interpreting written works--but from the other end, of course. What works in the writing I love, and how can I create something that makes me feel the same. I was very into close reading in college and I like working on the micro level. Every sentence and every image needs to be precise and clear; the atmosphere should be well-defined; the actions should be easy to picture. Atmosphere and emotion is created by sentence structure and pacing as much as by vocabulary or literal description. Everything should flow.

I mostly write specifically to create A Mood so I would be lying if I said I always cared so much about crafting a great plot. If I’m writing something on a deadline, then I basically decide what the absolutely essential plot points are, and I narrow it down to just those. I do something similar for my non-deadline work--but not as well, because those stories tend to ramble, sometimes to their detriment. I do think it’s important to know what a story is ABOUT, and I don’t mean that in the ‘well duh’ sense, I mean that the central conflict must be resolved, the central lesson learned, the central mystery answered, and anything adjacent can be left more open or ambiguous. In other words, I think the structure itself should alert the reader to what a story’s central plot and/or purpose is.

However, I am often just in it myself to tell a nice yarn or to examine particular moments or feelings.

I definitely think that writing is a craft, but for me it’s also an Experience. It’s something I create partly through decided effort and careful (fore) thought and partly through impulse and and subconscious work. Good writing sessions can feel like trances or out of body experiences, at least in retrospect. I often discover something new while writing

It doesn’t speak to me to break writing down into like the Elements of Proper Storytelling I think in part because it takes some of the mystical element out of the experience. For me I guess it’s... I’ve read so much and thought so much about what I’ve read, and talked about it and discussed it and written on it, that I just inherently get (imho) story/narrative/style components. At least, as far as I care to get them.

[wildsunscorpion]

How Bum Geon Woo communicates through his body language (Plus how he's actually giving the special treatment Eui Joon's been yearning for)

I reread DCS for, like, the tenth time now. Yes, I'm obsessed ohmygod! I'm liking how these two characters are written so far. I originally wanted to break down just Chapters 20-24 of DCS because the first time I read it I got just a little annoyed with how Geon Woo (a.k.a. Ahjussi) was, let's say, just kind of pushing Euijoon's limits. But I ended up doing more than just Chapters 20-24. Dios mio.

I was just a little tired of seeing the same trend with guys in manhwa. They always seem to be domineering, especially if their partner is the "sweet and naive" archetype. (Eui Joon, I think, does not really fit into this mold.) Of course, that's usually because they're dealing with their own issues, and I don't really blame them.

But I like DCS because it justified that kind of behavior in Geon Woo when he was having sex with Eui Joon (in Chapters 20-24, particularly). Lol I'm probably the only one who realized this later than I should have ehehe. I'm still posting this tho.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD‼️‼️

His antics speak volumes. It's amazing how I missed all those details just because the sex scenes were. Steamy. As. Fuck. Good lordy! Geon Woo is definitely a man of few words (He once said Eui Joon makes him talk like he would for a whole year, haha!), so it would make sense to communicate whatever's going through his mind in a situation through body language.

I also want to add the times that he makes the effort to hold a conversation with Eui Joon. Geon Woo doesn't really talk when he doesn't need to, so it's important to pay attention to his actions.

☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙

Chapters 0-12

The first time we get a glimpse of Geon Woo's side of the story was when Eui Joon finally confesses to the person who's been his crush for 3 effing years, Hyeon Woo. Eui Joon is inexplicably happy when Hyeon Woo says he'll consider and comes to the convenience store in good spirits. Geon Woo, keen as always, notices, and when Eui Joon tells him what happened this is what we get:

It's the way it was framed. How we see his reaction from behind rather than from the front. He turns away, seeming to go inward and brood once again.

Afterwards, another gangster comes. The guy challenges Geon Woo for taking too long at the front of the line. Geon Woo asks Eui Joon if he smokes, and when he replies that he doesn't, Geon Woo "borrows" the lighter on the countertop and uses that to throw a stronger punch to the man behind him, who temporarily falls unconscious. Geon Woo turns back to Eui Joon, seeming to have something else to say. But he sees the frightened look on Eui Joon's face and decides to keep it to himself before leaving through the door.

"And..." He pauses, turning to Eui Joon. "... Never mind. Good work."

JUST WHAT WAS HE ABOUT TO SAY?!?!?!

In the succeeding panel, Eui Joon is nonplussed. He wonders out loud, "What is happening?" Couldn't have said it better, girl. Geon Woo was just taking out his frustration and he had the perfect opportunity at the moment.

The second time was when Geon Woo invites Eui Joon to drink after the incident with Hyeon Woo (who basically asks Eui Joon to cheat with him and inebriates him—probably with the intention to take advantage of him). From the side stories, we learn that Geon Woo has taken an interest in Eui Joon after seeing him for the second time, and when he comes by through the hallway—finally discovering they were neighbors—and witnesses the two, he sees it as a chance with Eui Joon.

He invites Eui Joon out to drink, after Eui Joon's suggestion for a dinner at 2 in the morning fails to entice him. Eui Joon rambles his questions away, wanting to get to know him better, but Geon Woo doesn't immediately answer and catches him off guard when he "casually" inquires after his sexuality. Not the smoothest move there, lol, but in the side stories we see that wasn't really his intention.

"Damn it, why did I ask that question? It just slipped out..."

He answers Eui Joon's questions afterwards, surprising Eui Joon with the fact that he's actually been listening to what he's been saying for the past minute. We're starting to see just what kind of a person he is (Listening skills are always a plus in my book).

A little later, we see them on their way back to the apartment. Eui Joon asks Geon Woo to tell him anything interesting because he's been the one talking all night. Geon Woo acquiesces, asking a question that may have been part in consideration of Eui Joon's vulnerable state, and perhaps also part due to the possibility that he worried about him.

"Come to think of it... School has already started. Isn't it tiring to work 'til dawn? Aren't you working too much?"

Geon Woo's face is a little hard to read. So every subtle change in his expression says something. If you read the manhwa, you'll see the slightest bit of concern in his eyes. It's hard to catch until you've read the side stories (at least for me, haha).

One more thing I like about Geon Woo is that he doesn't meddle when it's not his business. He knows the state of Eui Joon's family—their inability to afford his college tuition, his hospitalized brother—and he knows he can help. I mean, I don't know how wealthy and powerful he is as a gangster but he probably has the means to. But he rarely opens the topic to Eui Joon.

Aaaand onto Chapter 8! Just before the first sex scene in the entire series. Eui Joon is crying because he had a shitty day both at school and at work, poor thing—all because of Hyeon Woo. He cries even more when he notices that Geon Woo, who came to the store every day, didn't come to the store that day. When he encounters him outside, he breaks down, catching Geon Woo off guard.

Geon Woo tells his lackey to leave and asks Eui Joon to stay. Eui Joon tells him he was fine and proceeds to go back to his room, but Geon Woo frightens him when he says he was already being nice. And then we get this:

"Ah, I don't mean it that way... Just a while."

That gentle tug is honestly so uncharacteristic of the usual ruffian behavior we often see from Geon Woo. It's a nice sweet detail that proves what he says in Chapter 26 (when he finally confesses) that he treats Eui Joon differently from others.

Eui Joon cries his heart out to Geon Woo, and Geon Woo just lets him. Afterwards, Eui Joon resolves to forget about Hyeon Woo. By finding someone, hmm, more physically endowed.

"I must find someone more good-looking than him. With a nicer body... And a bigger dick!"

Clueless guy basically described the man beside him.

To that, Geon Woo says:

"How long have you known me? You really dare to say anything like that in front of me?"

Which comes off as slightly hostile at first. The next panel shows a dark aura surrounding Geon Woo, which Eui Joon interprets as distress from his implications of doing it with him—whose sexual preference so far remains ambiguous (In the side stories, we learn that Geon Woo himself struggles with figuring this out.). But then, he surprises Eui Joon when he slowly leans in to kiss him.

CUE SEX SCENE! I pitied Eui Joon a little because he wasn't really in the best state when Geon Woo offered this. In Geon Woo's defense, though, from the moment he found out that Eui Joon was gay he saw doors opening. When Eui Joon said something like that, I think his attraction to Eui Joon finally caught up to him and he couldn't resist the opportunity. He definitely wasn’t distressed by the implication of Eui Joon’s words; he was distressed by the decision he had to make—to go through that door or not. Because he knew he wanted it, even though he was constantly denying it from the start.

“This dirty thought wasn’t something that I have planned from the beginning.”

The day after, Eui Joon is a little rattled. He doesn’t know how to treat Geon Woo after that—not when he realized that sex could be that hot and satisfying (uwu). Geon Woo appears to be unaffected while Eui Jon’s brain is in knots about everything. But the questions Geon Woo asks tell us that he’s beginning to show Eui Joon a little emotion. He asks to see Eui Joon’s face to inspect the healing bruise he got yesterday (the one that Geon Woo covered with a bandaid—which was so sweet, huhu). And then, he asks if he was tired after school.

“Let me see your face.”

“School classes. Are you tired after taking them?”

From my perspective, he wasn’t just asking for the sake of being nice to the person he slept with. The story still hasn’t covered much of Geon Woo’s history to know whether he had been like this with his previous partners. Although there was a moment in Chapter 27 during one of their conversations when he gave us a little glimpse:

Geon Woo: It's normal to cry over pathetic things at your age. Eui Joon: Have you cried like that before too? Geon Woo: No. Eui Joon: Then how do you know that? Geon Woo: I just... know. Because there was a guy like that around.

From the time Geon Woo invited him out to drink, I think Geon Woo was genuinely concerned when he asked how Eui Joon was doing.

☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙

Chapters 13-26

Geon Woo's love language, I think, is his actions. He fights off the gangsters that bully Eui Joon into giving them discounts or even paying for them from his own pockets so they won't have to. He gives Eui Joon food and medicine when he finds out he was sick (the morning after having sex with him in the car for hours, lol). He likes taking care of the person he likes. So in Chapter 26, when he "confesses" to Eui Joon, that was Geon Woo pointing out that he's been doing the same thing all along.

"I mean, look at me just once... What kind of person I am. How I treat you. Take a good look at it. If you think that I'm good, then pick me. If not, you can throw me aside." "But. Before you do, you should understand this. Until then, I don't intend to let you get away."

This "non-confession" (he actually tells Eui Joon it wasn't a confession) actually says a lot about Geon Woo. His attitude towards their relationship is very blunt and straightforward. Once he's made a decision, he stops listening to his doubts and stands by it. I don't really know when Geon Woo decided that he liked Eui Joon. It was more slow-growing. In the side stories though, we see him considering this big-time when this thought crosses his mind:

"There's the common phrase of having the opportunity to meet your fateful love. If there's a sign for it, would it be possible to stay vigilant?"

AHJUSSI YOU SOFT-HEARTED ROMANTIC I CAN'T T^T He becomes more bold with Eui Joon afterwards, but he's still a little prickly. He's constantly weighing his options, trying to figure out in what way will doing the things he does for Eui Joon benefit him, if at all. In Chapter 13, when a customer comes inside the store and forces Eui Joon to pay for what he bought, he's on the scales. But then the memory of that morning flashes through his mind, and he remembers how the simple act of Eui Joon giving him his number had made him smile like an idiot. He beats the customer for him, taking the money he owed, and gives it back to Eui Joon. He even manages to casually ask him out on a date. The guy can be smooth as fuck.

Eui Joon: Are you saying... we should eat together? Geon Woo: Sure. I guess I've done something worth compensating. Will you give me my reward?

Take notes, people! At this point, Eui Joon has gotten him wrapped around his finger, and he didn't even know it! Of course, Eui Joon still thinks their relationship is only purely sexual, but then Geon Woo begins doing these uncharacteristically tender gestures that Eui Joon initially interprets as Geon Woo giving him special treatment.

"Let me see your face." "School classes. Are you tired after them" "I'm thinking that... You'll look good in short hair, too."

And Geon Woo even tries to initiate a conversation with Eui Joon when he feels like Eui Joon couldn't take the awkwardness. A good example was when Geon Woo treats him dinner at the restaurant.

"...." "Is this your first time coming to this kind of place?"

Somehow, these things he does still feel kind of forced, like he was genuinely annoyed at Eui Joon and everything he did. Even when he asks to do it with him again and Eui Joon refuses because he was still sore, there was a moment of frustration that shone through.

It was a sign that Geon Woo was still confused about the things he was feeling towards Eui Joon. He knew he wanted him physically, but then he doesn't take up the woman's offer that evening after Eui Joon refuses him. It wasn't actually written on paper, but knowing Geon Woo's character he might have felt uneasy about going through with it. Not particularly on Eui Joon's behalf, but it may have been unconscious because of his budding feelings.

His feelings were something that rattled him, and he was usually undeterred in any kind of situation. What rattled him more was that Eui Joon didn't know anything about what he was going through.

"Being naturally attracted to you, and going through unfamiliar emotions. This feeling should only be felt at an adolescent age."

We're seeing him from behind again. The use of this perspective in manhwas / mangas / comics usually makes you feel like can't tell what the character's thinking about, but most importantly that they're most likely about to go do or SAY SOMETHING DAMN IMPORTANT. Like, maybe, telling their feelings to the person they like!?!?!

"Eui Joon-Ah. I like you."

ASDFGHJKL DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING?!?!?!

That actually surprised me hella lot. I'd originally thought Geon Woo was the tsundere type, but he was more honest with his feelings than I believed. However, he hadn't been completely convinced by these feelings until Eui Joon had offered to break it off. Suddenly there was an exit to his situation, but he didn't really feel happy about it. He was frustrated at not being able to properly understand what his words made him feel. Because the truth was he didn't want to break things off. He just wouldn't admit to himself at the time that the reason was he actually wanted Eui Joon.

We could see him debating it himself, poor thing:

"I didn't expect myself to be in a situation where I couldn't even understand my own feelings. I should've figured it out the moment I couldn't understand my sexual preference. I'm not that young anymore... What is this?" "No... It could also be a spur of the moment... It doesn't seem to be like that. It might also be due to pride, but I feel it's not necessary for these kinds of feelings to affect my pride... But even when it's like this, I still want to..."

Geon Woo decides to "have a little fun" before conceding to Eui Joon's request to "end their entanglement". But I've noticed that whenever something bothers Geon Woo too much, he takes a smoke. When Eui Joon makes the suggestion, Geon Woo does just that.

The slightly rough way in which Geon Woo treats him afterwards shows his frustration. He grabs his arm roughly and pulls him towards the car, but he doesn't realize he was hurting Eui Joon's wrist with his own watch until Eui Joon whines in pain—at which point Geon Woo just laces his hand through his instead. Which I thought was so sweet T^T

When Eui Joon freaks out about doing it at the school where he studies and asks Geon Woo to consider it for him, Geon Woo says, "Do I have to consider that for you too?" And when Eui Joon asks for him to do that, Geon Woo replies, "I guess I've been too nice to you." THE MAN WAS FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! Geon Woo even challenges him to stay quiet, telling him no one will hear them if he does. Throughout the whole thing, Geon Woo wanted to dominate him, daring him to take what pleasure he could give him, but with an aggression that bespeaks the storm in his heart and mind. Reading it back, I realized just how damn hot that scene was. I mean, goddamn. After Geon Woo admits his feelings, there's a serenity about him afterwards. He no longer has to second-guess taking care of Eui Joon or expressing what he felt towards him. He gives him food and medicine the next day since he caught a fever. He "invites himself" to watch a movie with him since they both had nothing to do for the rest of the day. The guy was basically courting Eui Joon, haha. Not a confession, my ass XD

And then, when Eui Joon opens up about how he rejected Hyeon Woo, Geon Woo tells him he'll also wait for him for around three years T^T

MY HEART I CAN'T T ^ T ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ So that's kiiind of a long breakdown. I included as little pictures as possible. Copyright and all that. I just really like this series so far. I want to be able to read the original someday. Hopefully I'd be able to learn Korean T^T. If you like this as much as I do, chat me up =D would love to hear other thoughts.