#this is a topic I think I have a post drafted about from a while back actually | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

joaniscruzing · 2 months ago

Text

off the record - ch.1

HELLOOOOO everyone! i am BACK from a long break with a fic! yay!

i realized very quickly that this fic was going to be a long one, so i thought i'd break it up into parts. CURRENTLY, there's another 4k in my google doc rn, but i thought "hey, why not get some interest going?"

anyway!!! comment to be tagged in the next chapter, and let me know how you like it! i love feedback!

special thanks to @moesthoughts for proofreading!

summary: you're offered a summer job at ESPN as a sports reporter and get paired up with paige.

warnings: nothing scandalous, i'd say there's a lot of world-building in this chapter? i added a few ocs in this fic just because it felt wrong just getting into it. I'll add a divider for where the paige stuff begins for those who are eager. I PROMISE THOUGH, THE REST OF THE FIC DOESN'T HAVE THIS MUCH EXTRA DETAILS.

enjoy babes 😘

You quickly gulped down some coffee before brushing your teeth for school. It was mid-April, and you had quite the daunting task for you: finding a summer internship.

“Hey, don’t sweat this,” your college roommate Anya reassured you, “you look the most professional I’ve ever seen you in the three years I’ve known you, and I just know you have a hell of an elevator pitch ready to go, yeah?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I guess! I just really need to be ready, you know? AI’s really taking off, and if I’m not on my game, they’ll probably give my job to a robot or something!”

“Alright,” Anya answered, chuckling, “haven’t you made the dean’s list every semester? And haven’t you been editor of our paper since last year, being the youngest editor of the paper in our college? You’ve got this! I mean it.”

“Thanks, Anya,” you said, smiling and taking a deep breath.

“Wish me luck!” you exclaimed as you exited your shared apartment. To avoid being late, you scurry off to your car, quickly putting your bag in the passenger seat and turning on the radio. You put on a news station, hoping to find some things to make small talk about at the career fair, which, lucky for you, was about half an hour away.

Why did this apartment have to be the best one Anya and I could afford? You thought to yourself while exiting the parking lot of your apartment complex. As the car ride went on,, your thoughts about theapartment location drifted away, you began to think about the road, and whatever your news station was rambling about.

“-And to all of you women’s sports fans out there, last night was a BIG night for UCONN’s Paige Bueckers! The 23-year-old NCAA champion was the first overall draft pick and will be joining the Dallas Wings for the next WNBA season!”

You weren’t super into sports yourself, but you knew about Paige Bueckers. A Connecticut native yourself, you grew up with your parents usually tuning into the UCONN basketball games, both men’s and women’s. Hell, you were brought to the last championship parade for the women’s basketball team back in 2016. Your dad had sent you an Instagram post a few days ago with some highlights featuring Paige Bueckers, to which you had just liked and moved on with your day. You heard through the grapevine that some representatives from ESPN would be at your career fair, but you weren’t necessarily crazed at the thought of it. In fact, you were hoping to land an internship at the New York Times, where you would be helping others deliver the most topical headlines of the day.

Although you knew you wouldn’t need it, you still kept the small fact you had learned about Paige Bueckers in the back of your head, just in case you blanked out on your very-prepared speech you had.

Just then, you pulled into your college’s local arena, where your summer endeavors were soon to be discovered. You popped one, two, three mints in your mouth and touched up your makeup in your car mirror. If anyone was going to get an internship today, it was going to be you, the biggest academic weapon at your college.

After a few pep talks, you finally exited your car and walked into the overly air-conditioned arena, then being met by a daunting array of tables, all with one collective thing to offer: your future.

You understood that the position at the New York Times was going to be a popular choice among your peers, so you made a beeline to the small table that they were occupying. After, you began the long wait, which wasn’t that bad. In fact, you were thankful for the time you had to recite your pitch and pull yourself together.

About forty-five minutes passed, and you finally made it to the front of the line.

This is it. You’ve got this, you thought to yourself.

“Hi! My name is-”

“Let me guess, you want the internship?” you heard, immediately cut off by the man working the table.

“I’m definitely interested! I believe that I’d be a GREAT pick, and here’s why: I’m currently-”

“As much as I’d love to hear about your long list of qualifications, we already found someone to fill the position. I’m sorry. But if you’d like, you can always apply to be an assistant this summer. You know. Getting coffee and whatnot,” the man said, giving you a smug smile.

Your stomach dropped.

An assistant? Getting coffee? You took the application, as it was still an opportunity, but so many other thoughts swirled around your head.

Three years and for what? To be brushed off like that? What’s even worse, by a man? You thought to yourself as you left to get some fresh air. You knew you would have to go back in there, as there were probably numerous other internships you could acquire. There was the Washington Post, CNN, NBC, and so many more that were just running through your head, as fast as a racecar going cross-country on an empty highway.

After a mini-crashout in your car, a small drink of water, and a quick phone call with Anya, you felt ready enough to enter the arena again. You weren’t going to leave that parking lot without an internship that was equal to your abilities. No man was going to tell you that the internship you were going to get would involve fetching coffee.

You confidently strided back into the arena, where you were met by the overwhelming array of tables. Unwilling to allow it to ruin your conviction in your abilities, you chose to examine each table. Luckily, you were met with a few companies that were willing to hire you, and even went as far as to give you their card. Just as you were about to leave, you heard a voice yelling out.

“Hey! You! Don’t leave!”

“Me?” you turnedaround, pointing at yourself.

“Yes!” The tall woman who was chasing you down finally stopped running. After dusting herself off and adjusting her hair, she addressed you.

“I heard you at the career fair today. And I mean it, you are exactly what we are looking for.”

“Who?”

“Oh, pardon me. I’m from ESPN. After a short phone call with my boss, we’d like to offer you a summer job.”

Just the word “job” made your eyes bulge out of your head. You were flabbergasted to say the least. You were confident you’d exit with an internship, but a job? And at ESPN, to make things better.

“Really?” you spoke, trying to conceal your excitement.

“Yes! Don’t worry, the interview process would be waived for you, as this is super last minute, but you would have to attend media training for the next few weeks,” the woman explained, stepping aside with you to continue the conversation.

“Media training? Like, I would be on TV?”

“Yes! You’re going to be assigned to cover the entirety of the 2025 WNBA season. Hopefully, you’ll be good to go at the beginning of May. That’s when preseason starts.”

“I’m sorry, the WNBA?” you pinched your arm, trying to wake yourself up from whatever bizarre dream this was.

“Yes! Although it isn’t an extremely followed league, our team is expecting another rise in viewership this season.”

“Really?” you asked, intrigued, “I swear viewership for women’s sports has been the same for my whole lifespan.”

“You follow women’s sports?”

“My parents do, at least. They’re big UCONN fans,” you answered. A nanosecond after, you remembered what you heard in the car. Oh, you were in for a long conversation after your last statement.

“UCONN, huh?” your new employer asked, “So I’m sure you’ve been hearing about Paige Bueckers a lot recently.”

“Oh yeah, she got the first draft pick last night! Dallas Wings, right?” Thank god for that local news station.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re a superfan, right?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I heard it on the radio this morning.” Your new employer smiled at your comment, and handed you her card.

Angelica Hastings. That would be a name you’d remember for decades. After all, she was now the first person to support you in your official professional journalism journey.

“Well, you have the job! Be prepared to be immersed in the world of women’s basketball this summer!” Angelica said, shaking your hand. You quickly gave her your business card and left for your car. Only God knew what surprises this summer held for you.

About an hour later, you finally made it back to your shared apartment with Anya. You nearly twisted your ankle running up the stairs to tell her the news.

“ESPN???” she exclaimed, almost as astounded as you were.

“YES! And I get paid! The only bad news is I need to cram for finals, as I need to start media training in two weeks.”

“Well, looks like you’ve got to get cramming.”

The next two weeks flew by. Between packing, contract signing, and finals, you had almost no room to breathe. What’s more, you took it upon yourself to begin researching all of the top new rookies in the WNBA, as Angelica had told you that you’d probably be interviewing or covering them most of the time—or at least when it got to more niche stories. There was Hailey Van Lith at Chicago Sky, who seemed to be doing pretty well for herself. There was Kiki Iriafen, who was one of the best forwards in the country, at the Washington Mystics. And obviously, there was Paige Bueckers. You assumed as a new woman to the job, that she would be off-limits to you, given that she quite literally was the face of women’s basketball rookies at the moment, so you chose to focus on other players. After all, you were sure that you would be learning all about the star guard in your first hours of work.

The second you finished your finals, you said a very quick goodbye to Anya, promising her to call her every night that you’d be gone, and then you tookyour bags—which had been packed for weeks—and drove off to your first location: Bristol, Connecticut, the very headquarters of ESPN. After checking in to the hotel that they provided you, you quickly changed into your professional wear and entered the building. You checked in at the front desk, asking for Angelica, who guided you to her office and motioned for you to sit down.

“How was the drive?” Angelica asked, taking a swig of her coffee.

“Not bad,” you admitted, playing with your newly done nails, “I do have to say, though, I forgot how nasty Massachusetts drivers are.”

Angelica chuckled.

“Well, lucky for you, you won’t have to worry about Massachusetts drivers at all this summer. I’m assigning you to cover the Dallas Wings’ rookies, and then as the season goes on, probably one of the California teams. The Dallas Wings didn’t have the best season last year, so we’re not expecting too much from this year either.”

“Didn’t Paige get drafted there?”

“Yes, but one player cannot single-handedly save a whole team,” Angelica said, typing on her laptop, “We’ll have to see how the other rookies do too.”

“So I’m going to Dallas?” You asked, trying to formulate an image of your summer in your head.

“Not exactly. You’ll go to Vegas this week, since that’s the stadium they’re playing at. You’ll just be following them around and traveling to their respective stadiums.” She explained.

“Alright! I can definitely do that!” You said, and let out a sigh of relief.

“By the way, you need to be on the third floor in 3 minutes for your style workshop. You’ll be given your wardrobe, introduced to your hairstylist, and you’ll be getting your nails done.”

“I'd better go then. Thank you, Angelica!”

“Of course. See you on TV!”

The outfits they had picked for you were rather bland, as they were simpler, not to mention professional. However, with Anya’s help, you secured some cuter outfits for free nights. What’s more, your new hairstylist, Shay, was an amazing person to talk to. While experimenting with your hair, she was sure to make conversation.

“So, you excited to meet Paige?” She asked, running a straightener in your hair.

“Who said I was even going to meet her? I figured I’d be assigned with the other rookies,” you replied.

“Well, as the person who has YOUR schedule, you’re set to be interviewing Paige at the preseason game on Friday.”

“Are you serious?”

“What? Are you one of those girls who has an entire edit folder dedicated to her or something?�� she asked, a knowing smirk beginning to make its mark on her face.

“No! I just… I know my parents are going to ask me to get an autograph from her or something.”

“Sure, sure. So you’ve NEVER seen an edit of her?” Shay asked, now trying to put your hair in some sort of half-up, half-down style.

“Not really. I don’t usually get edits on my TikTok.”

“Just look her up, alright?”

“Maybe,” you said halfheartedly, brushing off her request.

After about thirty hairstyles, an exchange of phone numbers, and a full set of nails, Shay then sent you to your media trainer, who taught you everything you would need to know for the summer. As boring as it was, you were somewhat ready for your first game, which would be against the Las Vegas Aces. The next day, you took a plane ride to Indiana, where you were met with your hotel for the next week.

The next night was a busy one. After another hair and makeup session with Shay, you were expected to arrive at the stadium at about three-thirty in the afternoon. Needless to say, you felt as if you were out of breath when you arrived at Notre Dame’s Purcell Pavilion. Throughout the night, as your professors had trained you, you kept your eyes on Paige the whole game. Every movement of hers was mesmerizing, to put it bluntly. Every bounce of the ball, every basket, god, even any time she ran made it impossible for you to keep your eyes off of her. You made a mental note to watch some highlights of her later. At halftime, you were instructed to interview her.

This is it.

“Hello!” You introduced yourself to Paige before the cameras began to record.

“Oh, okay, first interviewer! It’s nice to meet you! I’m Paige!” She said excitedly, holding out her hand for you to shake.

No fucking way she’s the number one draft pick and she thinks she has to introduce herself.

You found it endearing, though, the way she smiled and fidgeted with her hands.

Forget endearing. As the cameras were setting up and you got to know her, you were blown away by her. You were awestruck by her tall, slender figure, and her new slick back, which made it impossible not to look at her icy blue eyes that never broke eye contact with you. She was hot as fuck. To your dismay, you failed to notice before. Although radiating confidence, she still was able to stay humble and grounded.

You had to admit, you both really just clicked. You had only been talking with her for about three minutes, and she was making you laugh in a way not even Anya could, not to mention how easy it was to talk with her. It felt like you had known her since you had been born. Although you knew things wouldn’t go any farther than whatever was happening on the court, you still enjoyed it—and had developed a FAT crush on her in the span of one game.

You really hoped you’d be able to interview her again.

“Go!” the cameraman called, clapping his hands, breaking up the colloquial conversation between you and her.

“So, Paige, how do you feel, now that you’re starting fresh with the Dallas Wings, only about three weeks after your NCAA championship win?”

“Pretty good. I’m excited for this season, forever thankful for this opportunity to be here, thankful to God, and just really soaking up everything around me.”

“And Paige, how are you feeling about the new hair? Although you wore this hairstyle a few months back, you did admit that you’d be debuting a new signature hairstyle in the W.”

“Uh, I like my hair. Giving my scalp a break and such. I think I’ll be experimenting with this and a bun in the next few games, we’ll see.”

“Alright, thank you! Good luck for the rest of this game!”

“Thanks! See you later?”

You nod as she high-fives you, giggling like a high school girl.

Although the Wings lost to the Aces, 78 to 112, to be exact, it was still a fun game to watch. You weren’t too sad, as you found in your research that there was a new coach in charge, and it was, in fact, a preseason game if anything. You quickly found Paige on the court again, whose face lit up when she saw you.

“Hey! Enjoy the game?” she asked, seemingly unbothered by the loss.

“Oh yeah. It was fun to watch! Congrats on your first game!”

“Thank you,” she answered, her eyes finally leaving yours for once, “so are you going to be coming to more games?”

“Apparently, I’ll be interviewing the Wings throughout their whole season, although I may have to leave near the end for college.”

“You’re still in college? Damn girl, I thought you were here with some experience with how professional you were.”

“Really? I think this is the least professional I’ve felt in a while!” you quipped, letting out a small laugh.

“Trust me, you’re better at this than you think. You know, I think you’ve asked the best questions since I’ve gotten here,” she admitted matter-of-factly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Once again, the cameraman asked the two of you to get into position, so you did.

This was going to be a good season.

taglist: @asapeveryday

161 notes · View notes

saweetdolly · 3 months ago

Text

⊹₊⟡⭒˚.⋆ " 𝐒𝐄𝐗𝐎 𝐕𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐔𝐀𝐋"

pairing ~ thanos / choi su-bong x f!reader

warnings ~ 18+ minors dni, dirty talk, phone sex, praising, masturbation, thanos wants that cookie so effing bad, oral (both receiving), facial, mentions of drug consumption, dom!thanos & sub!reader

summary ~ a facetime call between you and your bestfriend escalates into more when you start reminiscing about past occurrences

wc ~ 2.8k

a/n ~ hii babies! i've seen all your requests and i'm so excited to write them for you, so please be patient and i promise i'll get to all of them! i'm currently posting all my drafts so enjoyy this longgg thanos smut cause he's sexy asf >.< and all my rauw girlies recognize this title :3 rmb to eat and drink ur water babies!

your phone continuously buzzed as the facetime notification lit up the screen, the name "su-bong" appearing. you had just gotten out of the shower and it was no surprise that your bestfriend was already calling you, most likely checking your location and seeing you were home.

you wasted no time in answering the phone, setting it up on the counter. su-bongs face appeared on the screen. his purple hair was in its usual messy state and a goofy smile adorned his face. "heyyy señorita" he says in a sing-song voice, and you immediately cringe at the nickname. "ew su-bong. you need to cut that out." you say, applying a bit of moisturizer on your face. he shrugs as he takes a hit of his vape, fixing his position so his head is resting on his arm whilst his other hand holds the phone.

minutes felt like hours as he rambled about some pills namgyu had given him while you were getting into bed, your eyes rolling at his boring choice of topic for a conversation. "i don't even know why you still take those pills. they're so wack." you say, pulling the sheets over your body and settling your head down on your pillow. "that's not what you thought the last time we took them." he says in a matter-of-fact tone, and you knew exactly what he was implying. "your point being?" you ask, pretending to be clueless. you knew you had to talk about it at some point; that one night su-bong invited you over.

it was a windy and cold friday night in seoul, and the walk back to your apartment had you wishing the ground would eat you alive from how stressed you were. having just gotten out of work after taking an extra shift for your "sick" co-worker, you picked up your phone and called su-bong, knowing that he knew just how to make you feel better.

the phone rang once and he immediately picked up. you put the phone to your ear, being unable to control the smile taking over your lips. "hey thanos. you awake?" you ask, using the nickname you gave him when he decided to drunkenly dye his hair purple. he lets out a low laugh, exhaling whatever he was smoking before answering. "yeah, you gonna come over?" he asks, and your answer comes out of your mouth before you can even think about it. "on my way."

upon arriving at su-bongs apartment, he was already trying to convince you to take something with him. you slid your jacket off, throwing it somewhere on the ground. you sighed as you sat on the couch, mentally thanking su-bong for wasting so much money on what was probably one of the softest couches you've ever sat on.

"come onnnn it'll be fun. please?" he begged, eagerly sitting down next to you. you allowed his request to enter your mind. you probably just needed a nap but who makes rational decisions when they're stressed? nobody..right?

"i don't know su, i feel so tired and stressed and everything is just so much." you say. he sighs as he takes off his necklace, opening the cross and showing you the pills. "please?" he pleads. you stare silently before he speaks again. "i promise it'll relieve your stress. just do this with me." you stare at him before nodding slowly, a teethy smile appearing on his face. "good choice baby. here, pick one." he says, offering the open cross to you.

you pick up a pink pill, heart racing as you look back up at su-bong. he pops a blue pill into his mouth, sending you an encouraging nod so you'd do the same. you place the pill on your tongue, thinking your heart would shoot out of your chest from how hard it was pounding as you swallowed. "now sit back and enjoy it." su-bong says, and you turn your head to look at him.

a wave of heat washed through your body as you analyzed his face. his head was resting on the back of the couch, his lips were slightly parted, heavy breaths leaving them. his eyes were closed as he manspread, resting his hands on his lap. you couldn't brush off every thought that was coming to your mind as your eyes trailed down to his lap, suddenly feeling hot inside. this had to be the drug taking its effect, right? sure you always found su-bong attractive, but he was your best friend. he was your best friend who you practically had to babysit because of his stupid actions, your best friend who defended you against your high school bully, min-ji, your best friend who was constantly throwing hints at you and you never even noticed.

"su-bong." you quietly called out to him. he let out a low hum as he opened his eyes, turning his head to look at you. whatever you did next you'll forever blame on the pill. you lunged forward, grabbing onto his face and pressing your lips on his. su-bongs eyes widened as his hands flew to your hips. he closed his eyes, and you felt him smile as he kissed you back. your mouths slowly moved in sync as you sat back, your hands resting on his shoulders. su-bong softly bit on your bottom lip, taking an opportunity to shove his tongue into your mouth when you let out a low moan. your tongues slowly wrestled together and you felt yourself get soaked with arousal. his hands massaged your hips and he broke the kiss, his pretty eyes staring into yours. you slowly look down and between you, a raging boner peeking out of his pajama pants. your body suddenly felt hot and sweaty, your name leaving his lips in a quiet whisper. you pushed him back slightly and your hands trembled as you grabbed the hem of your shirt. su-bong stared into your chest as you slowly slid your shirt off, eyes dark with lust and pupils blown from the drug. he got on his knees, eyes never leaving your chest. you reached behind your back and un-did the clasp of your bra, letting the material slowly slide off your body and onto your lap.

su-bong thought he was in heaven given the sight in front of him. you quickly threw your bra aside and su-bong lunged forward, lips latching onto your neck and his hands on your breasts. you let out a soft moan when you felt him leave little marks on your neck, his head moving lower with every kiss. "fuuuck baby, never thought i'd see these in front of me like this." he whispered. your hands went to his head, massaging his scalp as he slowly latched his mouth on your left nipple, sucking and licking the soft nub. your eyes squeezed shut, the sensation feeling way stronger due to the drug.

he moved to your other nipple, tugging it softly with his teeth then sucking. "o-oh fuck don't stop su." you managed to whimper out, your underwear damp with your arousal. su-bong let out a low laugh as he moved lower, hands fumbling with the button on your pants. "relax pretty, we haven't gotten to the best part yet." he teased, a goofy smile plastered on his face. you breathed heavily as you watched him pull your pants and panties off in one swift motion, a loud gasp leaving you when his mouth latched onto your clit.

his hands snaked under your thighs, pulling you closer to him as he harshly sucked and licked at your clit. "oh god su-bong don't stop." you moaned, hands flying to his hair and tugging at the purple strands. he groaned into your pussy, tongue moving up and down collecting your wetness. "fuck you taste so fucking good." he groaned, tongue plunging in and out of your hole. tears filled your vision as you legs shook violently with pleasure. you threw your head back when you felt him spit on your clit, his lips suckling and licking the wet bud. "pussy tastes so good baby, fuck. can't get enough." you moaned at his words, your hands massaging his scalp as he lifted his head. su-bongs chin was covered in your wetness, his lips dripping with your sweet honey.

"m'close." you moaned, biting your lip at the sight of your best friend eating you out. he hurriedly flicked his tongue from side to side at your statement, keeping his pattern of focusing on both your hole and clit consistent. you felt your abdomen tighten, his living room flooding with your moans and your back arching off the couch.. he moaned and groaned into your pussy, the vibrations sending sparks of pleasure throughout your body. and then, you felt it. the coil in your stomach snapped and you choked on your moans as a wave of pleasure overtook your body, eyes squeezing shut and tears slipping out of them. su-bongs tongue moved rapidly across your pussy as you rode out your high, legs shaking violently and your hips bucking into his face.

you swallowed thickly as you looked down, pussy drenched in your arousal and su-bongs saliva. he licked his lips as he stood up, closing your legs and pulling you into a heated kiss, his hands massaging your thighs. your hands snaked down his boxers, gasping into the kiss when your thumb massaged his leaking tip. su-bong broke the kiss to pull his pajama pants down, cock springing free. you stood up and pushed him onto the couch, watching him manspread as you got on your knees. you spit on your hand, bringing it to his pulsing cock. you wrapped your hand around it and slowly pumped up and down, his angry tip oozing out pre-cum at the action. "yes baby fuck, just like that." he groaned. you smiled up at him, your eyes giving him the "fuck me" stare as you wrapped your lips around his tip. he inhaled sharply at the action, his hand making a makeshift ponytail for your hair. you sucked on his tip softly, watching how his eyebrows furrowed in pleasure.

"keep going baby, atta girl." he moaned. you slowly enveloped him into your mouth, holding back gags as your nose hit his pubes. you moved your mouth back up to his tip, sticking your tongue out and kitten-licking his tip. "you're such a good girl baby, fuck. who knew you suck dick so good." he groaned, his head falling back and he pushed your head back down onto his cock. the living room filled with gags and chokes as you bobbed your head up and down, tongue licking the underside of his cock in the process. your name left his lips in hurried breaths as you sucked on his cock hungrily, his salty taste becoming addicting. your left hand moved to grab his balls while your right hand wrapped around his base, pumping in sync with your mouth.

"fucking hell." he inhaled sharply and he hurriedly pulled you off his cock, his hand harshly tugging your head back by your hair. "stick your tongue out for me baby." he grunted as he pumped his cock in front of your face, watching you stick your tongue out. "such a good fucking slut. look at you on your knees for me." he groaned, taking in your sweaty and fucked-out form. hot spurts of cum shot out of his tip, coating your face in his milky release. you smiled as you swallowed the cum that landed on your tongue, a low whimper of your name leaving his lips.

you heard some rustling and su-bong came back with a wet cloth, wiping his cum off your face. you opened your eyes and stared at each other before erupting into a fit of laughter, the aftermath of what you just did processing in your mind. he lifted you up off the floor and onto the couch, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pushing your naked, sweaty body into his side. you laid there together, fingers intertwined and breathing in sync, basking in the afterglow of the intimate moment you just shared, the drugs effect still heavy in your system.

"you remember, right?" su-bong asked, pulling you out of your trance and back to the call. "y-yeah i remember. how could i not." you laughed, feeling the same warm wave of pleasure wash through your body. "i miss it, you know." he said, inhaling sharply after taking a hit of his vape. "you miss what?" you ask. you knew exactly what he was talking about, you just wanted to hear him say it. the night haunted you every single day afterwards, flashbacks of the way he sucked feverishly on your clit, or how sexy he looked with his eyebrows furrowed while you sucked on his cock replaying in your mind. you had avoided him for a week due to those flashbacks, not being able to bring yourself to respond to any of his texts or calls.

"that night." he finally responds. you nod slowly in agreement, pulling the sheets off your body due to the heat you felt. "i miss it too, su." you say, studying his face on your screen. he pauses, a comfortable silence taking over the call, before he speaks again. "can i show you how much i miss it?" he asks, a knowing grin plastered on his face. a blush consumes your cheeks and your speechless, his question catching you off guard. su-bong smirks proudly at the fact he gets you flustered so easily. "don't get all shy on me now baby. you were so hungry for this cock just last week!" he teases. "shut up!" you exclaim, the redness on your face becoming more evident. with a new boost of confidence and a pool of arousal in your panties, you sit up on your bed and lift your shirt, flashing him. a giggle leaves your lips as you pull your shirt back down, watching su-bongs face go from cocky to flustered. he groans before pointing the camera to a lower angle, his cock appearing on the screen. precum oozed from his tip, his face contorted in pleasure in the background as he stroked himself.

"c'mon baby don't leave me hanging now, show me something." he groans, pumping his cock at a slow pace. you bit your lip at his words, your mind clouded with lust. placing your phone down on your blankets, you slid your pajama pants and panties down your legs. your anxiety reached a new height as you grabbed your phone, spreading your legs and showing him the pretty sight between them. su-bong sharply inhales at the sight on his screen, pumping his cock faster. your pussy glistened with arousal, your pretty hole practically oozing with your wetness.

"touch yourself for me." he grunts, and you immediately obey, sliding your hands between your legs. your warm fingers circle your clit and you gasp, the action sending shocks of pleasure through your body. "just like that baby fuuuuck, good girl." he moans. "go lower." and once again, you obey. moving your fingers lower and lower until your middle finger is prodding at your soaked entrance. you push your finger in, back arching at the intrusion. su-bongs cock makes wet noises as he pumps himself faster, whimpers of your name leaving his lips. "feels so good, su." you moan, adding your ring finger and pumping them in and out of you slowly. "i know baby- fuck you're such a good slut for me." he moans. you match his pace as you pump your fingers faster, your moans echoing off the walls in your room. "su- fuck feels so good. i'm so close." you moan, your back arching off the bed.

"cum with me." he moans, watching how your creamy arousal oozes out of your hole. "f-fuck yes." you gasp, watching his face in the background as he stares at your pussy on his screen. su-bong groans loudly as he spills himself onto his hand, strings of cum coating it. you whine at the sight. the barrier in your abdomen snapping and a wave of hot pleasure coursing over your entire body. you rode out your orgasms together, bodies covered in sweat. slowly, you pulled your fingers out of your sensitive hole, and su-bong couldn't help but watch how pretty your pussy looked covered in your creamy release. you brought the camera to your face, sucking your own slick off your fingers. "don't do that baby. don't think i can go another round right now." he groaned playfully. you giggled as you got up, grabbing a new pair of panties and getting dressed again. when you came back from the bathroom after washing your hands, su-bong had his phone propped up on his bathroom counter, washing his own hands. you watched him quietly, a smile on your face as you got into your bed, pulling your sheets over your body.

moments of the call replayed in your head as you tried to sleep, a rush of excitement lingering in your heart. you knew this wouldn't be the last time this would happen, given su-bongs flirty and persistent personality (and how desperate he is for your attention). but you had to admit you were content with the fact that he desired you so badly, and deep down you knew you needed him just as much.

∧,,,∧ ( ̳• · • ̳) / づ♡ mwuah!

click here!

#squid game #squid game smut #squid game x reader #fanfic #choi su bong #choi su bong x reader #thanos squid game #choi su bong smut

303 notes · View notes

annicht · 1 year ago

Text

teamwork

Kuroo Tetsurou x reader | very suggestive fluff

word count: 1.8k

Warnings: post timeskip Kuroo x coworker! reader, fluff nsfw-ish language

@ anni says: I'm Kuroo Tetsurou's whore. neways, this was just another self indulgent drabble that was lost in my drafts. [cover by loony, go give her some lov]

the lingering stares, the coffee excuses, the light subtle touches while exchanging papers, the gossipy chatting every lunch break,

the way you look so goddamn hot when you’re focused in your work and how that sometimes distracts him from his own work…

and also the inhuman strenght he needed to gather to divert his stare from your plump thighs when you cross your legs under the desk… the privileged view from his desk across from yours can be also a burden sometimes

and then there’s that damn high heels you use… not often, though. only when there’s important meetings. makes you feel more confident, you said once. but god, when you use it he just want to lay on the floor for you to step on him

there’s more and more and so much more about the office bond he shares with you that irks him both in the right and wrong ways.

working in the JVA marketing implied that your most strong stakeholder was the promotion division, once the areas needed each other to thrive

therefore, makes total sense that you and Kuroo were so close to each other, right?

so it’s normal when you’re training a new intern and he tags along with the excuse to help you, but spends the whole time glaring menacingly at the guy when he stares at your cleavage a little to much, isn’t it?

or when he passes by your desk, leaving a chocolate every other week, with his handwriting in a note thay says “that presentation was sick, congratulations ;]” or “you deserve a raise, but take this chocolate in the meantime >:)” or some other silly thing that makes you smile

your eyes always dart to him, flashing a playful smile

but you also can’t help but think to yourself that he wanna fuck you so bad— and the thought itself is so entertaining that you shake your head, snorting, as he eyes you puzzled

the tension is clear for you as much as it is for him… he, too, checked all your boxes. a handsome smoking hot smart and competent man that has his eyes set on you? you’d be crazy not to enjoy

so, eventually, you would throw paper balls at him while he’s focused, making him roll his eyes and smirk

but also, you bring him coffee when you go get it for you. you know how he likes, he works so close to you, why wouldn’t you bring him one too?

and the glint in his eyes makes it worth it every damn time

neither of you were making the first move so soon, but everyone in the office knows about the unspoken bond you share, gaining some attention in gossip groups around the floor

but then, one day, you were working until very late, apparently alone at the office.

and suddenly, he popped up back in the office after having left already, with a can of beer, a loosened tie, two buttons opened, walking torwards your desk, placing the beer on your desk, beside your papers

you looked at him tilting your head puzzled

“Where did you get that?”

“At the bar across the street”

you tilted your head even more

“You were at the bar across the street and came back to the office to hand me a beer?”

“Exactly”

he said matter-of-factly, making you snort. his words were subtly slured, indicating he drank enough to get at least tipsy

“Why?”

“Why not?”

he answered shrugging, and you read through his attempt to divert the topic. but you also know he’s very stubborn, so you just brush it off

“How did you even know I was still in the office? It’s late…”

you say, while opening the can and looking at the hour on your computer

“It’s the first Monday of the month, you always stay late finishing the monthly report… Besides, I saw the light on from across the street… just put two and two together”

“Damn, you’re good—”

you say, amazed at how he memorized your routine by now, while sipping your beer, sighing as the cold liquid soothes your tense muscles, feeling the last motivation to end the report today getting obliterated

he watches your every move like a hawk, walking sneakly behind your chair to rub your shoulders

you sigh, feeling a chill down your spine with his touches, humming softly with the massage

“You’re done with the report?“ he asked, his fingers rubbing circles in your back muscles, sliding to your shoulders. you lean in his touch

“No… But I think I can finish it tomorrow morning,” you reply, trying to suppress the pleasure in your voice from his magical touch.

he chuckles lightly, lowering his torso to lean closer, his breath hitting your neck, making you shiver embarrassingly

“That’s what I thought,” he says softly, his hands never ceasing their movements, the tension that’s been building between the two of you for months feels like it’s finally reaching a boiling point

before things get awkward, you start to stand up from your chair, closing your laptop on the desk, sipping your beer casually,

he took advantage of the moment to pull your chair away, leaning closer, his chest pressing against your back, his mouth on your ear

“Don’t I deserve a… reward… for the beer and the massage?”

he whispered, his words borderline suggestive, the warmth of his breath making your heart race, his arms encircling your waist in a new way… despite your supposed closeness, it’s the first time you feel him this close.

his voice is like velvet, seductive and irresistible, making you question if this was a good idea.

you pathetically place your free hand on the desk to anchor yourself, feeling the weight of the intensity that has been building between you

”Is that what you’ve been thinking about all this time? Pinning me on the desk when there’s no one around?“

you whisper back, your voice dropping to a sensual tone as you lean back in his chest, looking at him through your shoulder

the tension is palpable, your mutual attraction finally coming to a head. you put your beer down on the desk, meeting his gaze with a daring look, ready to cross the line you’ve been flirting with for so long.

“And what if I have?” he whispers back, his voice a low growl that sends shivers down your spine. “What are you going to do about it?”

his challenge hangs in the air between you, a gauntlet thrown down, waiting for you to pick it up.

and that’s exactly what you do.

you turn around to face him, raising your chin to line your mouth with his, as his hands unconsciously sneak around your waist and your hands rests on his chest

“I might just finally kiss you… would that be bad?”

his eyes darken when he realizes you’re on the same page, his hands working to pull you closer.

“That might be the best idea you’ve ever had,”

and just like that, you two give up, succumbing to the tension building for months,

he leans in, or you lean in… its indistinguishable who kissed who first, but you capture each other’s lips in a heated intense kiss, your tongues already seeking each other’s and you taste the faint malt of the beers he had earlier, sighing with the deliciousness of it all

he gives one step further, boxing you on the desk behind, making you lean back, his hand traveling down your hips

you retaliate, taking his bottom lip between your teeth and biting softly, making him groan

he pushes his tongue inside your mouth again, and you gladly take it, sucking on it, kissing him back with the same passion

it feels almost relieving having him like this after so much tension building. it feels right.

he parts the kiss, but keeps his lips on your jaw, leaving a trace of wet kisses down, reaching your neck

you lean your head back, giving him free reign there, which he gladly take it, switching from kisses to bites, making you moan softly

your moan unlock something primal in his brain, and one of his hand on your hips travel down your thigh, reaching the back of your knee, pushing up on his waist, while the other arm encircle your waist, pushing you flush against him

all that while assaulting your neck with languig nibbles, and you can’t help but let out a chuckled moan with a smug smile

“Fuckk… eagerrr, are we?”

you say, low and purring, and the way you draw the words from your mouth goes straight to his pants, making his cock twitch, unconsciously grinding his hips against your thigh.

he grins, groaning a little in your neck, the tone vibrating against your chest

it takes you the damn last bit of strenght to knock some sense into him

“Mmhm… Kuroo… there’s cameras in the office… ”

you say slightly breathless, threading your fingers in his hair, gripping, trying to pull him away from your neck

“Call me Tetsurou”

he say lowly and you can’t help but huff a breathy chuckle

“Tetsurou…” you say, rolling his name from your tongue, liking the sound of it “there’s cameras—”

“They’re not gonna check the cameras unless something gets stolen…”

“We’re not fucking in the office,” you say categorically, your last ethical straw working doubled against the wetness in your panties

he parts from your neck, looking straight at you with hazel hazy eyes, his lips curling in his famous lazy smirk with a hint of smugness

“Oh? So we are fucking then?”

you narrow your eyes, he got you now.

you snort, grabbing his tie and pulling him for another kiss, mumbling a quick “Shut up”

he kiss you while chuckling against your mouth, his hand on your thigh progressing further, sliding your skirt up and invading under the hem of the clothing, feeling the soft skin he drooled so many times before—

“Not here, Tetsuro—”

he grumbles, releasing your thigh and raising his hands in mocking surrender

“Okay, okay… I get it” he says, then he takes your hand, pulling you closer to him “but you’re coming to my place now, and I’m not taking no for an answer”

as you two leave the workplace giggling and holding hands, your coworkers on the bar across the street watch the scene, all ready to let the gossip spread, but also knowing it was bound to happen eventually

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #kuroo tetsuro x you #kuroo tetsuro smut #kuroo smut #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo tetsuro fluff #kuroo tetsurō #haikyuu smut #haikyuu #post time skip haikyuu #JVA

439 notes · View notes

ineffable-romantics · 2 years ago

Text

Some thoughts on why and how I believe Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship would incorporate sex/why I do not read them as wholly asexual:

This is something I've seen the most discourse about in this fandom, and I've had a few thoughts of my own that I really wanted to expand upon in a full meta/character analysis post. I do understand that this can be a contentious topic, so first, let me clarify a few things:

First of all, this is going to be long. Tbh it probably won't be that organized either. I ramble and I'm not very good at editing, so just... you know. Be warned. (*Hi, it's me from 2 days after writing this; I'm really not kidding, it's LONG)

These are all my own thoughts. They might not be hot takes, because recently I've seen more than a few people come to the same conclusions on a lot of these points as I have. But I've also had these notes in my drafts for about a week and a half now, and have been continuously adding to it as things have occurred to me. This post is essentially just somewhere for me to collect the separate but related meta I've been kicking around in my head.

I fully respect anyone who does see and prefer an asexual reading of this relationship. These are my own thoughts and interpretations as someone who is not asexual. I am in the LGBT+ community, so while I do know a few things about the asexuality spectrum, I am by no means an expert.

This is NOT something I expect, need, or even necessarily want the show (or, God forbid, Neil's tumblr ask box) to address. Tonally, it's just not that kind of show. Newt and Anathema's sex scene was very much played for laughs, and it worked for that reason. If the show found a way to address it in a way that was both appropriate for the tone of the show and ultimately satisfying, then great! But there is so much more to this relationship than sex, and I didn't need a kiss to confirm their love, so I certainly don't need a sex scene. As immortal beings (as I assume they'll stay) there is so much of the rest of their lives we'll never get to see. You can headcanon them as asexual and potentially be right. I can headcanon them as not and be equally potentially right. Again, these are just a collection of my own thoughts, because I think the question of sexuality (or lack thereof) is just as interesting a facet of these characters as any other.

Note: Tbh I've been second-guessing this whole post and debated deleting the whole thing several times for being silly or unnecessary, bc I don't want anyone to think that this is the only thing I care about when it comes to this story/characters. But if nothing else, it's inspired me to write in a way that nothing has in a very long time, so I've decided it's worth continuing, if for no other reason than that.

This is going to be a mixed bag of textual reading, subtextual reading, and a full-on reach or two. It's been a while since I've been in an English class, but if my teachers expected me to find a deeper meaning behind blue curtains, you can expect me to read too deeply into the symbolism of a loaded rifle or an ox rib. (This is probably not what my professors had in mind when grading my literary analysis papers but oh well) My point is, if it feels like a reach, I'm as aware of it as you are. I am in no way saying that all (or even any) of my points made were deliberate on the part of Neil or the actors or the writers or the directors. I am no longer the delulu Apple Tree Yard child of my youth, I promise.

If anything said here is in any way offensive or hurtful to anyone in the asexual community, please do not hesitate to message me or comment and let me know exactly what it was. I promise you it is not my intention to do so, and am happy to clarify or outright edit anything that reads that way.

With all that being said, let's talk about why I think Crowley and Aziraphale would absolutely fuck nasty incorporate sex into their relationship.

Note: I am out of practice with essay writing, so I think I'll just go down the bullet points of notes I have been making, and expand on each as best I can

Food

Where better to start than with Aziraphale's introduction to Pleasures Of The Flesh? (Just a heads up, this entire post may feel very Aziraphale-heavy, and with good reason).

This might be the least hot take here. We've all seen the Job minisode. We've all seen That Scene.

Whether this was intentional or not, the symbolism here is off the charts. Eve was tempted by an apple. So why not go a similar route and tempt Aziraphale with another fruit, or cheese, or bread, or literally anything else for his first experience with food? Instead, we go with a huge, glistening slab of fresh meat that he proceeds to absolutely go feral upon, moaning and gasping into his meal while Crowley watches with what definitely doesn't look to be disgust or even satisfaction with a good temptation. There's surprise at the ferocity of Aziraphale's appetite, certainly. But ultimately he looks to be intensely fascinated by it, while the thunder crashes, the music crescendos, and the earth literally shakes around them.

(It's also interesting to note how very little it takes for Crowley to tempt him with the ox rib. One murmured suggestion, a bit of unwavering eye contact, and vavoom Aziraphale immediately meets him in the middle.)

Cut to Aziraphale devouring the rest of the meat with Crowley splayed back on a makeshift bed, drinking wine and continuing to watch him indulge through half-lidded eyes. Outside a thunderstorm rages while they're learning secrets about each other in warm flickering firelight. It's cosy, it's intimate, and if they'd thrown in a bearskin throw blanket, it might as well be a post-coital scene straight out of Game of Thrones.

The next time (chronologically) we see them discuss food is when Aziraphale "tempts" Crowley with oysters in Rome. So Crowley first tempts Aziraphale with meat and then Aziraphale tempts Crowley with what is widely regarded to be an aphrodisiac. Interesting.

And then chronologically after that, the Arrangement begins to form, which has always reeked of a friends with benefits situation. Just to throw that in there.

It's What Humans Do

In the very first episode, we're shown Gabriel's obvious disgust and bewilderment towards Aziraphale eating sushi, calling it "gross matter" and being proud of the fact that he does not sully his body with it. Aziraphale initially tries to defend his own enjoyment in it, before passing it off as something that humans do, as something he simply has to do in order to blend in (which we know very well is not the case).

He does this again in season 2, passing off Nina and Maggie being in love as "something humans do". But it isn't, is it? Angels are beings of love, and can sense it, and understand very well what it is... up to a point. Even romantic love is obviously within their wheelhouse, given what we now know happened between Gabriel and Beelzebub (we'll come back to them).

What the "humans do" that angels wouldn't understand is messy, physical forms of love.

But here's the thing: Aziraphale and Crowley love doing what the humans do. They love drinking, they (or at least Aziraphale) love eating. They love music. Crowley loves driving and sleeping and watching rom-coms and sitcoms. Aziraphale loves reading and doing magic and earning little licenses and certificates for achievement in his various hobbies. They love to playact at being human so much that they've stopped playacting and started building a genuinely human lifestyle for themselves and with each other.

Once together in an unambiguously romantic sense, why do we think they wouldn't also want to explore one of the most prominent, intimate, powerful human expressions of love and desire with each other?

Angels, Demons, & Asexuality

Here's where I really want to clarify that in no way do I mean that sex is necessary for a healthy, fulfilling, and loving romantic relationship, or that the lack of desire for sex makes you any less human. Asexuality is a sexuality as valid and human as any. What I would say is that it is definitely in the human minority compared to allosexuality.

Angels and demons, on the other hand, are predominately asexual. Sexless/genderless unless Making An Effort. (Which, btw, is a concept introduced as early as the original book; why even bring it up as a possibility? Why not keep angels/demons being sexless/asexual as a hard and fast rule, if not to open up the potential for later use? Chekhov's Effort, if you will. And isn't that something that Aziraphale in particular is shown to do time and time again? He makes an effort in French and driving and magic, doesn't he?)

And this is why I don't believe Aziraphale and Crowley necessarily need to be asexual, narratively. There is already a huge amount of ace rep within the angels and demons (and no, not just the horrible ones. Muriel also doesn't "drink the tea" and has no reason or desire thus far to Make An Effort, and there are certainly other angels and demons who aren't horrible like the archangels seem to be who likely wouldn't Make An Effort either).

The central conflict for Aziraphale and Crowley is that they are on their own side, the ones who went native, the ones who are so different in so many ways from their respective hives. It would make sense for them to also break away from traditional angel/demon asexuality.

I say "traditional angel/demon asexuality", because I would also like to note that I would absolutely not rule out demisexuality for either of them. This post is being written to as a response to people who specifically believe that they (like the rest of the angels/demons seem to be) would be sex-averse in a relationship, and that it wouldn't be a factor in their relationship. I could easily read them as demisexual, but I do think there would be no real way of verifying this, because they've never been able to form as close an emotional relationship with anyone else but each other. Certainly not in heaven, and I can't imagine they would be able to form that kind of attachment with any of the humans, who they love and emulate but ultimately regard as the separate species they are. So yes, they could either be allosexual or demisexual, in my opinion.

Then again, now that I think about it, Making An Effort itself could be a great metaphor for demisexuality, since they would be entirely sexless/asexual until they have enough of an emotional connection with someone to consciously manifest otherwise. Since the other angels and demons don't generally form those types of emotional connections with anyone, there hasn't been a precedent for it.

Except...

Brielzebub

We do have a precedent for it now, don't we? Gabriel and Beelzebub fell in love. They are a direct foil for Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship, speedrunning right through their courtship and finding their happily ever after on the other side of things.

For being such a 1 to 1 comparison, it feels deliberate that they did not kiss. They held hands, they were gooey with each other, but they did not kiss. That feels like such a deliberate thing to omit when you know what's to come at the end of the episode between Crowley and Aziraphale.

And going back to the food = sex metaphor for a moment, let's notice how even as they fell in love over the years, even when pints and crisps were there on the table in front of them, they never felt the desire to reach out for them. They didn't need to. It's a date (love story) even if you aren't eating dinner (sleeping together).

Yes, I know Jim liked hot chocolate. No, I am not counting it because I don't consider Jim and Gabriel to be the same person with the same proclivities, and Jim was highly suggestible at the time anyway.

Gabriel and Brielzebub's big happily ever after moment (as of now) was one between two asexual supernatural beings. They did not need to kiss to drive the point home. They showed what Crowley and Aziraphale could have, if they would only acknowledge it.

Crowley & Aziraphale's Dissatisfaction

But they do have that already, don't they? If you really think about it, what do Gabriel and Beelzebub do with each other that Crowley and Aziraphale don't already? They hold hands, they spend time together, they create little rituals, they give gifts, they're visibly and verbally affectionate with each other, etc. They are more or less already in a romantic asexual marriage relationship with each other, aren't they?

And it doesn't seem to be enough for either of them.

At the beginning of the season, Crowley is immediately shown to be unsatisfied with the way things are. Obviously part of it comes from living in his car, but it seems to be more than that (especially since Aziraphale makes it clear that the bookshop is just as much Crowley's as his, implying that he could have been living there the whole time and is choosing not to, for some reason?). You could argue he's feeling unmoored without Hell telling him what to do, but isn't that what he wanted? Isn't that what he still wants, by the end of the season? All season long, he's never indicated the desire for a new job, or a new project. He stopped the apocalypse because he wanted the freedom to openly spend time with Aziraphale, to spend his time on Earth however he sees fit. Until Gabriel arrives, he has exactly that (minus a flat).

So where does the dissatisfaction come from? And if it represents anything to do with his relationship, what does he want out of it that he isn't getting already?

I think Crowley only really comes to the realisation of what he's missing when Nina names it for him, not only putting them in the category of romantic, but physical (outright asking if they are sleeping together). These two posts [1], [2] go into more detail about what I mean, but I think it really pushes him into acknowledging that their relationship is more human than either of them have stopped to consider, and what that might mean as far as everything a human relationship can entail.

After all, Nina and Maggie only advised that he should talk to Aziraphale, make clear his feelings. The decision to kiss him, to tip them over the edge from nonphysical to physical, that was all him. And no, kissing isn't sex, but I wonder how taboo even that might be in the kind of all-encompassing asexuality most angels seem to identify with. (If they're disgusted by food and drink, I can only imagine what they think of snogging, much less sex.)

Aziraphale doesn't have this moment of someone observing their relationship from the outside. He loves Crowley, and as of 1941 probably even knows he's in love with him in a way that Crowley doesn't understand yet. Which makes sense, since love is technically his job, he'd be more likely to recognise it for what it is.

However, Aziraphale's reference for romance and relationships is Jane Austen. It's chaste. It's dancing and dinner and doing sweet things for each other and roses and candles and handholding. He contextualises his love for Crowley in that soft fantasy sort of way, where it's there, it's obviously there, but it's neat and easy and unspoken. Not to quote Glee in this, the year of our lord 2023, but it's all very "the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets".

Someone should tell that to Aziraphale's face, then.

I'm not going to pretend I know what Michael Sheen's script notes were, but there were definitely some Choices™ made. Because yes, there were plenty of moments in both seasons with Aziraphale looking at Crowley in a sweet, loving, smitten way. And then there were moments that were yearning.

But yearning for what, exactly? All of those sappy Jane Austen tropes already apply to the two of them. So why are there moments where Aziraphale is looking Crowley up and down like the last eclair in the window and licking his lips and visibly exhaling like he's trying to get in control of himself (see: Bastille scene + Crowley telling Muriel to ask him if they have any other questions about love)? Why is Aziraphale not only unconcerned when Crowley shoves him bodily up against a wall in s1, but staring at his lips and a beat too late in noticing Sister Mary's arrival? Why are some of his lines so suggestive? I'm sorry, but the car ride after the church explosion might as well have been the beginning of a Pizza Man porn with a really weird Blitz theme. If even my mother picked up on that vibe, I can't imagine it wasn't intentional on part of both the dialogue and the delivery.

(This section may feel like more of a reach/joke, but I'm really only 20% joking. These are writers and actors who are EXTREMELY good at their jobs; they know what they were doing here.)

More importantly, I don't think Aziraphale is even aware that there is more to what he wants. He lives in the Jane Austen fantasy and it never even occurs to him that he might be interested in anything further. It never even occurs to him that, as an angel, there is anything further to be interested in in the first place. Until Crowley forces it to occur to him. Just like I believe Nina forced Crowley to confront the idea that romantic love is what he's been feeling all along, I believe Crowley forced Aziraphale to confront the idea that physical intimacy is something he's been wanting, without even realising.

Aziraphale's Hedonism

Expanding on Aziraphale for a moment. We talked about his relationship with food, but we all know that Aziraphale is defined by his love of things that Feel Good.

It isn't just that he and Crowley love human things. Aziraphale loves the best of the best, or at least his version of it. He doesn't just love food, he loves going to fancy restaurants. He doesn't just love clothes, he loves soft, cosy, warm, plush clothes, or shiny, flashy, bougie fashion. He loves the warmth of tea and cocoa, loves getting drunk, and sitting in a comfy chair in the sunlight. He doesn't just experience, he indulges.

Given the emphasis put on things that Aziraphale loves just because they Feel Good, it feels narratively strange to assume that he wouldn't enjoy the feeling of being touched, or that he wouldn't be willing to try it, at least once, with someone he cared very deeply for. And just like the ox rib, I think that once he gets the first taste of things, he would absolutely tip over into complete and utter self-indulgence.

Dancing

I also think that dancing could be construed as a huge metaphor here. After all, we're told flat-out that angels don't Dance. Except one.

I would argue that Aziraphale, in fact, Made An Effort to learn how to Dance. He threw himself into the gavotte with delight (at a Victorian gay club; noted) and worked hard to be good at it. He's chomping at the bit to Dance with Crowley, working up the nerve to ask him with undeniably romantic intent and eagerness. So, angels don't Dance... unless they Make An Effort to do so.

We are told that demons, on the other hand, do Dance, but not well. Makes sense, since they're the ones who would want to encourage a deadly sin like lust, but have as little understanding of human love and physical intimacy as the angels. Crowley, however, is shown to be an excellent dancer at the ball, especially in his compatibility with Aziraphale.

(But Aziraphale WandaVisioned the ball so everyone knew how to dance! Yes, he did. However, the rest of the brainwashing doesn't seem to affect Crowley in any way, and they did actually live through the time period where this sort of dancing was a social norm; I'd be surprised if he never needed to learn. After all, the demons can't spell either, and Crowley is at least functionally literate, as far as we know.)

As of today, it's also been confirmed that when Aziraphale asked Crowley to dance, Crowley replied with "you don't dance." Not "WE don't dance". So going along with the metaphor, Crowley is just now discovering that Dancing is something Aziraphale is interested in at all, much less with him, and not denying that he himself is interested in Dancing. In his defense, I believe he was asleep for a few years while Aziraphale was learning the gavotte, so he wasn't exactly aware of Aziraphale's hot girl summer.

Love Languages

I want to expand on that; Crowley and Aziraphale's compatibility. Specifically in regards to their individual love languages.

We all know Crowley's love language is Acts of Service. I don't think there's any debate there. He loves it, Aziraphale loves it, they're both aware of it, we're all aware of it, God and Satan are aware of it, no surprise there.

You may disagree with me, but I believe Aziraphale's love language is Physical Touch, for a number of reasons. One of which being his aforementioned hedonism. Aziraphale likes things that Feel Good, remember? He likes soft clothes, and well-worn books. Neil himself has said that they like holding hands. And any time he is taken by surprise (Brielzebub getting together, the wave of love in Tadfield, etc.) what is the first thing he does? Reaches out for Crowley. He stops him with a hand to the chest in the pub. He leads him by the hand to the dance floor. He guides him by the waist in the graveyard. He reaches out during the entire Brielzebub scene, whether he can reach Crowley or not. Despite his own turmoil, he grasps at Crowley's back during the kiss.

The one time Crowley reaches out for him (not counting the kiss yet; we'll get there), he is aggressively pushed against a wall (by someone he loves and trusts) with a complete and utter lack of concern (and perhaps some interest, depending on how you read it).

And when he isn't reaching out for anyone, or there isn't anyone to reach out to? Well, he's wringing his own hands together, squeezing his own fingers, as if to find that physical comfort in himself.

So. With that theory in mind, we have Aziraphale (Physical Touch) + Crowley (Acts of Service). Throw in 6000+ years of deep love, cherished companionship, and forcibly repressed longing, and there is a very real potential of this combination resulting in fierce sexual compatibility. Where Aziraphale would want to touch and be touched, to indulge in physical pleasure with someone he adores, in the same the way he indulges in every other fine thing in his life. And where Crowley would want to indulge him in return, to give him everything he wants, and to take pleasure in Aziraphale's pleasure, in the same way he enjoys watching him take joy in food everything else.

So Aziraphale is an angel who is insecure about his own less-than-holy desires, who would want to treat Crowley like a luxury to be touched and cherished and adored. And Crowley is a demon who has, over the millennia, been unhappy about how they've been forced to deny even their friendship with each other, who would want Aziraphale to feel comfortable and safe and encouraged to indulge in earthly delights. That sounds like a stunning recipe for sexual compatibility to me.

"You said 'trust me'" / "And you did"

Just like the Job minisode, the Blitz is RIFE with symbolism (intentional or otherwise). This one will be quick, but I did want to touch on it because I thought it was interesting. Maybe I'm reaching at this point, but I'm assuming you read the tin.

First of all, Crowley not wanting to admit to never firing a gun before; comes off as someone who very much does not want to admit to their crush that they're a virgin ("You must have done this lots of times!" / "Umm.... yyyyyeah.")

(You could make the argument that Aziraphale having a firearms license and a Derringer in a hollowed-out book is symbolic of him not being a virgin while Crowley is. I disagree, for reasons I'll go into later, but it's a valid reading. However, I see it more like keeping a condom in your wallet; it's there in case you need it, but the opportunity has not yet risen no pun intended.)

More importantly, the theme of this entire minisode is trust. We already know they trust each other with their lives against the rest of Heaven, Hell, and the world. But specifically, this is about the importance of having complete trust in your partner in a charged, physically vulnerable, intimate moment, where the only danger is between the two of you.

Aziraphale needs to believe Crowley would never hurt him if he can help it. Crowley needs to trust Aziraphale's unwavering blind faith in him. Frankly, it all feels very symbolic of two people deeply in love losing their respective virginities with each other.

The trick is a success, and they share an intimate candlelit dinner in which they reaffirm their faith in each other. Aziraphale also begins to voice his agreement with Crowley, that maybe Heaven's rules shouldn't have to be as black and white as they are, and that there are benefits to... blurring the lines, shades of grey, wink wink (at which point even my mom was like, whoa guys, this is a family show).

Btw also: Can we all agree how much it looked like Crowley was getting ready to get a lapdance in that one scene? You know the one.

Also also: "Aim for my mouth"? Come on.

The Birds & The Bees

Now that I think of it, there's also something to be said for the fact that Crowley and Aziraphale are both obviously familiar with where babies come from (how they're made and how they're born) while the other angels aren't.

Something something Aziraphale and Crowley fundamentally understand sex and reproduction in a way the other angels (and probably demons) very much do not, nor have any desire to.

Probably not important. Just thought it was worth mentioning.

The Kiss™ & Religious Trauma

The Kiss. Where to even begin?

This has definitely been the hardest one to start, because there is so much going on here that I definitely won't be able to cover it all, and will certainly miss a few things here and there.

Aziraphale's reaction to the kiss afterwards is the most interesting to me. And I don't mean directly after, I don't mean the "I forgive you" part. I mean the way he touches his lips when Crowley is no longer in the room and he no longer needs to save face, when he is completely alone. Had it been directly after the kiss, it would have been rightfully read as horror, or disgust, a shield to discourage further action.

It's not. It isn't just a touch, it's a press. As desperate and angry and unexpected and imperfect as the kiss had been, Aziraphale is pressing it into himself, recreating the feeling as best he can. Beneath all the poor timing and shock and hurt from their fight and fallout, I think it's fair to say that it was something he enjoyed. Something he doesn't think he should enjoy, something that Feels Good that he only allows himself to indulge in when completely alone.

Remember, Aziraphale's idea of love is Jane Austen and gentleness and courtship and fantasy. If he'd ever even considered kissing an option, it might have been gentle pecks, cheek kisses, forehead kiss, hand kisses. Soft, safe, chaste affection.

Crowley's kiss turns all of that on its head. He introduces physical intimacy in a very real, very messy, very human way that I don't think Aziraphale ever even considered could apply to them. Considering what other angels are like and what they look down on, even Aziraphale's Jane Austen fantasies probably would have been considered taboo.

So for their first kiss to be rough and desperate and passionate in the way it was, of course he was confused and in shock. It was deeply physical, and as overwhelming and awful as it was in the moment, it Felt Good. Enough that he grasped at Crowley and kissed back, if only just for a moment, before stopping himself. Enough that he actively pressed it into his lips afterwards, in private, to remember.

I adore how Neil has decided to evolve these characters past the first book/season. More so in this season, Aziraphale and Crowley have both become such interesting allegories for queer people on either side of the spectrum of toxic religion. Aziraphale in particular obviously, because he is the side that so desperately wants to believe, to make a difference, and to unlearn all of the propaganda he's been fed over such a long time. Just like so much of organised religion, there is so much that he is told, time and time again, that he should not want, that he is silly or stupid or outright wrong for wanting. It reminds me so much of the severe Catholic guilt one might feel for wanting/engaging in sex for the first time, and the stigma of being queer layered on top of that.

What is so critical to Aziraphale's character is that he goes on wanting, and more than that, actively pursues. He was convinced to go up against Heaven and Hell and stop all of Armageddon because he wanted to go on listening to music and eating lunch and reading books and enjoying the simple company of the person he cares most deeply for, even if that person is supposed to be the enemy.

All this to say that if angels are as generally asexual/sex-averse as I believe them to be, narratively speaking, it would make sense for Aziraphale to be singular in that regard as well. Mirroring his first experience with food, it would make sense for Crowley to be the one to first introduce this new messy, physical, human dynamic between them, for Aziraphale to hesitate (obviously we are at the Hesitation phase at the moment), and then (eventually) for him to dive in wholeheartedly, to absolutely glut himself on this new thing that Feels Good. It would make sense for his character development to show him overcoming his metaphorical Catholic guilt and pursuing the sexual intimacy most (if not all) of the other angels would scorn.

(I can't help but remember that plot idea Neil described from the unwritten sequel, with Aziraphale in a hotel room trying to watch a full porno by way of the free 2-minute teaser clips so he wasn't technically sinning by paying for it. I so hope this is used in season 3, because gosh, I wonder why Aziraphale would suddenly be so interested in observing human physical intimacy after 6,000 years. Lonely and doing a little surreptitious research there, angel?)

Crowley, on the other hand, is the queer person who has broken free from his toxic religion. He prides himself on being his own person, on their his own side. He doesn't have the hang-ups Aziraphale does. He doesn't worry that he's going to be judged or cast aside for wanting things he's not supposed to. So it only makes sense for him to be the first one to suggest/initiate physical intimacy. It makes sense for him to be the one who "goes too fast" (another fantastic example of this dynamic beginning as early as s1; what is that conversation in the car meant to represent, if not Aziraphale being overwhelmed by the intensity of their relationship, and his fear of succumbing to it when he believes he shouldn't? It's also interesting that this is the first conversation to take place in Soho, just after watching Aziraphale realise he's caught feelings for a demon, with the red glow of lust serving as the backdrop).

Do I think the kiss in and of itself was sexual? No. I think it was a passionate and devastating last-ditch effort on Crowley's part to convey the way he feels for Aziraphale. Not just that he loves him, but that he loves him in the most human way possible. But I do think that the kiss represents how they can move forward from here, and what they might want to explore with each other once they feel free enough to do so.

In Conclusion

I am sure, deep in my bones (unless we are explicitly told otherwise), that this was both of their first kisses no, I'm not counting the gavotte, and that neither of them have ever thought to do anything else physical with the humans while they have been on Earth. Like I said before, they adore the human race and lifestyle in general, but ultimately view them as a separate species altogether, and they seem mostly happy to keep to themselves and each other, unless otherwise necessary. I just can't see either of them being drawn enough to a human to pursue anything close to sex. If Crowley in particular has had anything to do with sex in the context of temptations, I'm positive he would be inciting lust amongst the humans themselves, not involving himself directly. At least not that directly.

So, like every other human experience they've had on Earth, sex is something new that they could explore together, just the two of them, on their own side. A deeply intimate, tangible declaration of their love and everything they've gone through to earn it. A visceral finger to give both Heaven and Hell. A renewed appreciation for their corporations and for each other's. A enjoyable method for immortal beings to simply pass the time in each other's company. A new and exciting way to Feel Good, and all the variations that come with it.

You might agree with this post, or you might not. Whether this is something that is ever addressed or not, it doesn't matter to me. This is a brilliant love story either way, and I genuinely feel so privileged to witness it.

But I just can't find it in myself to imagine, given everything we know about these two characters, that sex isn't an experience they would both consume with wholehearted enthusiasm, curiosity, and profound, ineffable adoration.

___________________________________

Bonus feature: the very silly notes I made to myself that inspired this post

2K notes · View notes

sflow-er · 2 months ago

Text

A few notes on Linda's salary and the Erikssons' financial situation

I looked into this topic when @crownedwille brought it up in some tags a while ago. I abandoned it because I didn't think it would be that interesting after all, but the discussion started by @mydignityisinflames on @young-royals-confessions inspired me to finish the draft.

I was going to copy and paste it all in a reblog, but it got too long so... Here it is as a separate meta post!

Linda's job

As of S2, we know for sure that Linda is a registered nurse (sjuksköterska). This means she's completed a three-year (180 credit) higher education programme in nursing. We don't know if she's completed a specialist nurse's programme on top of that, but it isn't required to work at the youth clinic (ungdomsmottagningen or UMO).

Youth clinics are public clinics for people aged 12 to 22, primarily providing services related to sexual and mental health. Nurses there examine patients and take samples for lab testing etc., but they also counsel and reassure young people who come to them with concerns. (This explains why Carmen's post-S1 interview with the PRP actually gave me the impression that Linda was a youth counsellor instead.)

Anyway, Linda herself confirms in S3 that she works at the UMO. Both the Swedish CC and the subs have her telling Simon to be glad she doesn't make him "go" there every week for drug testing - but if you listen to her words, she actually says come in (komma in). This indicates that she works there.

Linda's monthly income and how it compares

We can estimate Linda's salary quite confidently by looking at relevant statistics from 2020 and 2021 when the show is set.

As a registered nurse working at a youth clinic, Linda is employed in the public sector. More specifically, by the municipality.

As of S3, we also know she is working in the region that is called Östra Mellansverige (Eastern Central Sweden) in the statistical data. Bjärstad's location was kept vague for a long time, but the letter that Simon received in S3 included their address. Bjärstad's post/zip code was written as 58581 - a made-up code that puts them in the Linköping area. The closest real-world equivalent (58580, Ljungsbro) is just northwest of Linköping itself.

Here are the most relevant stats on monthly income (before taxes):

The average monthly income in Sweden was SEK 36,100 in 2020 and SEK 37,100 in 2021.

For non-specialist registered nurses employed in the municipal sector, specifically in Östra Mellansverige, average monthly income was SEK 38,300 in 2020 and SEK 40,000 in 2021. Their average base salary in this region (without any additions for evening/night shifts, weekends, experience etc.) was SEK 37,000 / 38,500.

In other words, Linda's monthly income should be pretty close to the national average. Maybe even slightly higher based on region, even though she may not work in the evenings or weekends as the UMO may not be open.

In a survey conducted in 2022, a household with children was considered low income if two parents' combined monthly income before taxes was less than SEK 42,000, or if a single parent's monthly income before taxes was less than SEK 29,500.

So, the Erikssons are not low income by definition. This fits the impression we get from their house, as well as details such as Sara having learned how to ride before Hillerska.

However, it is also clear from the show that they cannot necessarily afford larger surprise expenses such as Simon's tutoring. That makes sense when Linda is paying for everything herself. Her income may be slightly above the national average, but it falls between the numbers considered low income for a single-parent vs. two-parent household.

I guess we could call them a medium-income household, but towards the lower end.

About the house

It was indirectly revealed in S3 that Micke was the one who moved out when he and Linda separated. That's the only way Simon can have lived in their current house for fourteen years (i.e. since 2006/2007):

Back in S1, when Sara said Linda should have left Micke when everything started, Simon protested that they wouldn't have had anywhere to live. This sounds like Linda was still financially dependent on Micke when the kids were small. It was probably Micke who originally bought or rented the house for his family (although the property, mortgage and/or lease could have still been in both their names).

Linda and Micke's assets will have been split 50:50 at the time of their divorce. If the house was bought rather than rented, she likely had to take out a new mortgage to buy him out. Mortgages in Sweden typically have very long payment terms, so it's likely there was still quite a bit left to pay, and the value of the property had increased in the meantime.

If the house is a rental, the rent will have gone up over the years. Based on a quick look at places for rent in Linköping, many terraced house units of that size currently cost SEK 11,000 to 18,000 per month. We don't know what the rent would have been in 2020/2021, but we can assume it would have taken a pretty big chunk of Linda's single income.

Anyway, it is a nice house. Especially if it's a rental, paying for it does put a strain on the Erikssons' finances, even though they aren't struggling as such.

About Hillerska

I had not meant to include this at all, but as there was some confusion on the confessions blog, it should be noted that Linda doesn't have to pay for Simon and Sara to attend Hillerska. Even private schools in Sweden haven't been allowed to charge tuition fees since 2014. They do charge very high boarding fees, but that's why Sara got a grant to board in S2. So in principle, Hillerska shouldn't be more expensive than Marieberg, although it is possible that school outings may cost a bit more and there may also be other more or less voluntary extra costs (e.g. private tutoring or equipment for extracurriculars).

If you want to read more about the boarding school fees, you can check out this post.

About Simon's summer jobs

I don't think Simon's lines here are meant to be taken as in, "Simon has to contribute to the family economy" or "Simon has to pay for all his own stuff." Linda keeps her children clothed, buys the things they need for their hobbies and presents for their birthdays (e.g. Sara's jodhpurs), and based on her phone call in S3, is even planning to take them abroad to see family.

The key here is the line about Wille and the other rich kids getting everything they want for free, including designer clothes or spontaneous trips to New York. Simon is simply saying he and Ayub need to make some money of their own to do activities and buy things they don't strictly need but want.

Simon and Ayub have been applying for summer jobs hos kommunen, with the municipality. These jobs are only offered for part of the summer (typically three weeks) because the municipality has a limited number of positions available and they want to employ as many applicants as possible. The duties usually involve helping out at municipal services and facilities, e.g. preschools, care facilities for the elderly, facilities for sports and leisure, museums, public parks, and so on. The municipality may also support local businesses and non-profitable associations in offering some positions as well.

Some examples by age:

14-year-olds: simple duties, e.g. mowing lawns or distributing newspapers; reasonable hourly wage SEK 50–80

15 to 16-year-olds: more complex duties mainly in the municipal sector, e.g. working with children, in leisure activities or with the elderly; reasonable hourly wage SEK 80–100

17 to 18-year-olds: increasingly complex duties and more opportunities to find work in the private sector, e.g. cashier work, customer service, simple administrative tasks, hospitality industry; reasonable hourly wage SEK 100–140

I wonder what kind of summer jobs Simon, Sara and Ayub have been doing (and Rosh too, other than the football camp). When outlining my post-S1 summer fic, I had imagined Simon applied to work with children while Sara chose park/garden maintenance because she found it calming after the stormy spring, but that was a long time ago (and the details never even made it into the fic).

Anyway, I think that was all the stuff I meant to cover! As always, I may well be wrong about something, and further discussion is very welcome.

#young royals #young royals meta #linda eriksson #simon eriksson

101 notes · View notes

enlightenedfeline · 2 months ago

Text

Tips for writing internal dialouge:

1- Don't just get in your character's head, become your character. Getting into a characters head and becoming the character are of course two completely different things, doing the prior is easier than the latter, but they completely change how readers perceive your character.

When you write internal dialouge in your characters head, it's a lot more concise and follows a pacing that's easier to keep up with, the thoughts are clearer, and your character seems to be jumping from one topic to the next.

However, this isn't natural to how everyone thinks, especially when it comes to younger characters, or characters in high stress situations.

This doesn't mean that writing someone who can think clearly in a stressful situation is unrealistic, there are people with that ability, but remember that this is an ability that's gained, not necessarily something that your character will possess naturally.

This is something I can go into deeper detail about in another post, because I don't wanna focus on one point for too long.

Becoming your character essentially means thinking their thoughts, not thinking of their thoughts. Experiencing their feelings, and throwing it down on the page, no matter how incoherent it is.

This technique works in heavily emotional scenes, and if done right can communicate the message you want to your reader without you explicitly stating it, which can make the scene more powerful, and more real.

2- Don't share irrelevant information. While you will sometimes have to share seemingly unnecessary information for realism, this doesn't mean that you should bore your reader just because they're in your characters head.

It will take hard work and a ton of writing to find the inner monologue/dialouge/description balance that suits your writing style, but you will find it.

Just keep in mind that if you feel the information won't help your reader understand/relate to your character any better, then you probably shouldn't include it in the final draft.

3- Have them comment on the world around them. Yes! Little comments and observations may seem unnecessary to you, you made this character, you know all this already, but this can reveal a lot about your character, using show don't tell.

This doesn't mean have them comment on everything, unless of course this is a habit they have.

But if it's not, then have them comment occasionally on small details, just internally, have them notice things your average person wouldn't if they're a particularly smart character, or have them not notice obvious details if they're not intelectually gifted.

4- Show different types of intelligence! Internal monologue can be the most effective method of showing off what ways your character is smart in without making it seem like they're showing off, or needing to have other people bring up their intelligence in conversation.

Show us what they notice and what conclusions they come to. Do they panic under pressure or keep a level head? When there's a disaster do they help or run away, why?

Leave it up to the reader to analyze what things mean so they can feel more engaged!

5- Every character is different. If every person thinks differently, then every character should think differently.

Don't put it entirely upon your shoulders to make your reader understand, your job is to be clear, your reader's job is to care enough to analyze.

Like I said above, make the reader feel engaged, let them figure out the character while you cleverly leave hints here and there of the type of person your character is.

6- How much space does internal dialouge have in your story? You have to decide now how much room you're willing to give internal dialouge in your story, and how many characters you're willing to give the space to talk in your story, this greatly impacts how your readers perceive characters and situations.

Internal dialouge is a big part of any story, and I've still gotta figure it out myself, this is probably the first of many tip posts specifically for internal dialouge.

Maybe some of this advice will help, maybe it won't, either way, I hope this feline has enlightened you!

90 notes · View notes

david-talks-sw · 2 years ago

Text

Debunking more myths in the GFFA: the Jedi and the clones.

I wrote a post debunking the various myths about how "the Jedi condone slavery", a while ago. Something I had omitted (because it's such a big topic) was the following two statements that concern the clone troopers' relations with the Jedi:

"The clones were genetically bred to have accelerated growth, so they're technically child soldiers."

"The clones were slaves of the Jedi."

Both the above statements are inaccurate, let's explore why.

"The clones were child soldiers"

Let's get the easy one out of the way first, because it's a logic that cuts both ways. If age is our only determination of the maturity of a Star Wars character, then Grogu is not a baby. He is aged 50, and is thus a middle-aged man.

Who cruelly eats the babies of a woman...

... and knowingly tortures animals for his own sadistic pleasure.

Of course, I'm kidding. Grogu's none of the above things.

The narrative frames him as a cute baby who does innocent baby stuff. Him eating the eggs is played off as comedic, as is him lifting with the frog. To this day, some fans still call him "Baby Yoda".

Conversely, despite the clones being 10/14-years-old, their actions, behaviors, way of thinking, sense of humor, morals etc, are all those of an adult.

Like, Ahsoka is technically older than Rex in this scene.

The scene doesn't portray them as peers, though. This isn't written as "a teen and a tween talking". No, Rex looks, acts and behaves like a grown-up and is thus framed as such by the narrative.

You can make the argument "they're child soldiers", but (unless you're doing so in bad faith) you'd also have to argue that "Grogu's an adult".

"The clones were the Jedi's slaves"

Nope. For all intents and purposes, they're in the same boat as the Jedi, who George Lucas stated multiple times had been drafted to fight in the war.

Again: both the Jedi (monk/diplomats untrained for fighting on a battlefield) and clones (literally bred en masse only to fight) are being forced to fight by Palpatine and the Senate.

Though, on paper, the clones were commissioned by Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas, it was actually done by the Sith (who either manipulated or assassinated Sifo-Dyas then stole his identity, depending on the continuity you choose to adhere to). The rest of the Jedi had no idea these clones were being created.

So while the clones are slaves... they're not owned by the Jedi.

They're the army of the Republic, they belong to the Senate. This isn't exactly a scoop, they refer to the clones as something to purchase...

... and manufacture.

As far as the Senate’s concerned, clones are property, like droids.

Like there's a whole subplot in The Bad Batch about this very point: after the war, the clones are decommissioned and left out to dry because they literally have no rights, they served their purpose.

The only trooper to ever canonically blame the Jedi for the clones' enslavement is Slick, who the narrative frames as having been bribed and manipulated by Asajj Ventress into betraying his comrades.

Also, the only canonical Jedi shown to ever be mean, dismissive or mistreating the clones in any way, is Pong Krell.

And it's eventually revealed he’s in fact a full-on traitor, hence why the story frames him as an antagonistic dick from the moment he's introduced. He doesn’t represent the Jedi in any way.

We know this because the other Jedi we’ve been shown are always prioritizing their clones’ lives over theirs, if given the chance.

Finally, if we wanna get even more specific... as Commander-in-Chief of the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR), the clones belong to Palpatine.

Palpatine who is a Sith Lord.

Palpatine who arranged for the creation of the clones and had them all injected with a chip that would activate upon hearing a code-word...

... and forced them to murder their Jedi without hesitation or remorse.

When you bear all that ⬆️ in mind and when you read this quote by George Lucas...

"The Jedi won't lead droids. Their whole basis is connecting with the life force. They'd just say, 'That's not the way we operate. We don't function with non-life-forms.” So if there is to be a Republic army, it would have to be an army of humans." - The Star Wars Archives: 1999-2005, 2020

... narratively-speaking, everything falls into place.

Sidious knows that:

If he orchestrates a war designed to thin the Jedi's numbers, corrupt their values and plunge the galaxy into chaos...

If he wants to draft the Jedi - peace-keeping diplomats who’d never willingly join the fray - to fight in his war...

... then the only way they won't resist the draft and abstain from fighting is if they think joining the conflict will save lives.

So he creates a set of cruel, sadistic villains for them to face, opponents who will target innocent civilians at every turn...

... and instead of lifeless droids, he prepares for the Jedi an army of men... living, mortal people who, despite being well-trained, will be completely out of their league when facing the likes of Dooku...

... Ventress...

... Grievous...

... Savage Opress...

... or the defoliator, a tank that annihilates organic matter.

Thus, in order to save as many clone and civilian lives, the Jedi join the fray despite knowing that doing so will corrupt their values.

And as the war rages on, a bond of respect is formed between the two groups.

Clearly, the Jedi don't like the fact that the Republic is using the clones to fight a war, but for that matter, they don't like being in a war, in fact they advocated against it.

However, it's happening regardless of their issues with the idea or personal philosophies. Said The Clone Wars writer Henry Gilroy:

"I’d rather not get into the Jedi’s philosophical issues about an army of living beings created to fight, but the Jedi are in a tough spot themselves, being peacekeepers turned warriors trying to save the Republic."

And bear in mind, the Jedi are basically space psychics, the clones are living beings that they can individually feel in the Force...

... so the Jedi feel every death but need to move on, regardless, only being able to mourn the troopers at the end of every battle.

We see this in the Legends continuity too, by the way.

(that is, when the writers actually try to engage with the narrative)

Also, if you ask the clones, they’re grateful the Jedi have their backs.

When Depa Billaba voices her concerns about how the war is impacting the Jedi's principles, troopers Grey and Styles are quick to make it clear how grateful they all are for the Jedi's involvement:

So the clones aren't the Jedi's slaves. If anything, they're both slaves of the Republic (considering how low the Jedi's status actually is in the hierarchy).

Only I'd argue the clones have it much, much worse.

The Senate sees the Jedi as "ugh, the holier-than-thou space-monk lapdogs who work for us"... but a Jedi has the option to give up that responsibility. They can leave the Order, no fuss or stigma.

A clone trooper cannot leave the GAR! If they do, they’re marked for treason and execution. Again, they’re not perceived as “people”.

And it doesn’t help that the Kaminoans, the clones’ very creators, see the troopers as products/units/merchandise. A notion that the Jedi are quick to correct whenever they get the chance.

How The Clone Wars writers describe the clones' relationship with the Jedi.

George Lucas hasn’t spoken much about this subject aside from the quote from further up. But to be fair... the Prequels aren’t about the clones’ dynamic with the Jedi, so it makes sense that he wouldn’t talk on that subject so much.

He did mention that part of The Clone Wars’ perks is that he could:

“Do stories about some of the individual clones and get to know them.”

But that’s as far as it gets.

So for this part, I'm just gonna let Dave Filoni, showrunner of The Clone Wars and the upcoming series Ahsoka, and TCW writer Henry Gilroy - both of whom worked closely with Lucas - take the wheel. They make themselves pretty clear on how the clone/Jedi dynamic is meant to be viewed.

Here’s Henry Gilroy:

"In my mind, the Jedi see the clones as individuals, living beings that have the same right to life as any other being, but understand that they have a job to do."

"The clones see the Jedi as their commanding officers on one hand, but also, at least subconsciously, they look to them for clues to social/moral behavior."

"Some clones may find themselves getting philosophical leadership from the Jedi that helps them answer some of the deeper questions of life."

"We thought this was a great opportunity to show how the Jedi interact with clones. Specifically, Yoda in a teaching role of the clones, who were socially new, who kind of grew up— who were created to fight, and he really broadened their horizons and helped them realize there was a great big universe out there that was bigger than just fighting and killing."

And here’s Dave Filoni’s comments:

"I truly believe that the Jedi try to humanize their clones and make them more individual, as Henry says."

"I think we saw that in Revenge of the Sith, when the Clones were colorful and named under the Jedi Generals, and then in the final shots of the film with Palpatine and Vader near the new Death Star, the ships are grey, the color and life is sucked out. The Stormtroopers are only numbers and identified by black and white armor or uniforms in A New Hope."

"The soldiers have become disposable to the Emperor."

"That is something the Jedi would never do."

"Yoda teaching the clones much like he taught Luke. ‘Cause that was kind of natural for [the Jedi], a natural instinct to take to these clones like they’re students."

None of the above quotes from two different writers of The Clone Wars, who had many interactions with George Lucas, frame the Jedi and the clones’ relationship in a negative way.

How much more proof do we need that "the clones were slaves of the Jedi” isn’t the intended narrative?

My point being that while the clones' ordeal is indeed horrible, the Jedi have nothing to do with it. The narrative of The Clone Wars always frames it as the fault of the Sith, the Senate and the Kaminoans.

If you go by the intended narrative, the Jedi were the clones' teachers and brothers-in-arms. The clones and the Jedi were not just comrades.

They were friends.

2K notes · View notes

tryslora · 9 months ago

Text

Disability in fiction

This was a tough post to write.

I saw a post about disability rep, and I kept thinking about it, and wanted to share my own takes on the topic.

I thought about it for days, trying to figure out how to word it. Then after drafting it, I stuck it in a file for a couple of weeks, trying to decide if I could even post it. This is not a topic that can be boiled down to a simple yes/no kind of answer.

Let’s start with two examples.

1 - I have a short story I started writing (it wants to grow up to be longer, so it’s waiting for time) where my original concept was to write about an older woman who is short and has major chronic pain, and I wanted to dig into fantasy reasons why this pain exists, but at the same time, have her be able to kick ass despite being exhausted and dealing with excruciatingly painful issues.

2 - I once drafted a portal fantasy storyline wherein a young man was transported into a fantasy world, and when he was given a horse to ride, he approached it very warily. He was encouraged to mount, did so, and sat there and exclaimed in shock, “My brain isn’t exploding with snot!” because his allergies hadn’t come with him into the body he had in the fantasy world.

Both stories were designed to be fun, a bit light, maybe even cozy.

So.

In one case, the disabled character remains disabled and kicks ass anyway. And in the other case, the character is magically “healed” and no longer has debilitating allergies that had wrecked his way of life.

This is the difficult part to express: I think both storylines are valid.

Bear with me while I dig into this.

First and foremost: I completely agree that we need more representation in all forms of fiction, especially when it comes to disabled people being able to live their lives. Characters with missing limbs, or non-neurotypical brains, or anxiety & depression, or hearing issues, or sight problems, or chronic pain, or… or… you get the idea. We need all of it, and we need it to not need to be magically healed in order for a story to be considered happy and cozy. Disabled people can be happy, too.

I’m all in for this, and I wouldn’t write the stories I do if I weren’t.

However, there are also moments where I am so exhausted by my body and by everything I deal with inside of it where I do wish for that magical ability to forget that my pain exists. Or for the ability to actually process information in a straight line, or make decisions without writing a hundred lists and accomplishing nothing from them. Or to be able to lie down in a field of grass without regretting it for days while I drip snot and fight sinus-pain-induced migraines.

Sometimes I want to imagine that my life is different.

And that is one of the joys of writing. I can choose to write a story where people like me or the people I know are the heroes/heroines exactly as they are, different abilities and all. Or I can choose to write a story where the problems magically resolve.

Both can be cozy, sweet, and adorable. I can give the character with chronic pain the ability to kick ass, take names, and have a sweet reunion with her ex-girlfriend. I can show all the ways that my disabilities may define how I handle my life differently than someone else, but do not define what I can and cannot do.

But I can also daydream about a life where it’s different, the same way I can daydream about having wings, or being able to teleport. For me, imagining a day with no pain is the same as a day where I can walk through walls. It is absolutely a fantasy, and about as likely to happen.

Here’s the thing: It’s okay to be angry to see what looks like disability being erased. It’s okay to wonder why the author did that, why they magically healed someone instead of letting them be who they were. But at the same time, maybe ask why, and what point of view it’s coming from. Or look a little deeper into the story and how the resolution occurs, and the effect it does have on the character (I suspect that were I to suddenly have a day of no pain, I’d be intensely reckless, given what an idiot I am while IN pain, y’know? And WOW would I regret that later…).

And for authors, think about what you’re writing. WHY is this particular event (keeping disability, erasing it, whichever or both) happening, because the reader will take note of it. They may see things that weren’t intended, but are there as unintentional biases.

Make conscious decisions for why things happen.

Someday I want to get back to both of those examples from the start of this post; I still like both concepts. But I’ll be writing them for very different reasons, and both will be healing my soul in different ways. Different kinds of daydreams. And again, I think that’s valid, too.

#writing #disability #my own thoughts

327 notes · View notes

ethnicallymoral · 8 days ago

Text

Silco and the Enforcers

caitvi fans are trying to start some fight about silco using enforcers and whether or not that negates his "fuck the police" stance, so i drafted his up on twitter and i'm posting it here too. the formatting sucks and there's a lot more i'd like to include here but i'm tired, so whatever lets goooo.

original tweet that sparked the debate: Why do I like Silco? Idk because he said “fuck da police” with his whole damn chest once in his teens, and then continued to say it for the entire rest of his life even when others turned on him for it. Gotta appreciate that kind of conviction.

this topic on silco comes up a lot and i think the more fun conversation is why someone who said fuck the police would then still choose to exploit the enforcer system, to what end, and what other methods could have achieved a free and independent zaun without them.

prologue

the key difference between vander working with grayson and silco's relationship with marcus is the powder dynamic. vander did not have any power with grayson, he was at their mercy. marcus, on the other hand, is at silco's mercy. that's pretty obvious so let's move on

first

silco used the enforcers against the firelights AND he strategically used enforcers ie marcus in a base violence necessary for change yada yada way. if we remember, his goal was for zaun's sovereignty, strength, and respect. so that's where i think the question of “is this base violence necessary? what alternatives were there?” etc are really fun to think about. so talk about silco's strategy in those methods and why.

second

silco blackmails marcus after losing a significant portion of the operation (ep 3). since marcus is complicit and later becomes sheriff, he has direct influence in a position of authority. silco exploits that to quietly shield the operation/himself while he attempts to rebuild

third

silco threatening marcus is a psychological move that uses the same invasive and coercive tactics that enforcers have always used on zaunites. forcing his way into his home shows that vulnerability goes both ways now. he adopted their method cause he’s seen that it works. psychological methods are a huge part of his character. “i don’t have to [win the war], we just need to scare them." by exploiting marcus, he’s also exploiting piltover’s hypocrisy since marcus serves as a symbol of how corrupt and insecure their enforcer system is.

fourth

aside from just keeping him and the operation hidden, it's also essential in buying silco much more time to rebuild and industrialize than he would have had without influence.

fifth

there might be something in how, when silco has the enforcers in his pocket, there seems to be less escalation from piltover directly and the moment he's taken out those mitigations are lost (the strike team), but with the obvious cost of him being the one using their violence as a tool instead

anyway, there is no peaceful way to revolt, everyone is a shady fucker depending on what their motivations and goals are, and everyone is morally fucked (except ekko who is best boy)

part of what makes silco so interesting to me is how he commits violent acts for a sympathetic and noble cause. he makes no excuses for himself on that either. he even agrees that what he's doing is crude so idk it's boring if we erase that dynamic into “good” vs “bad”

exploiting enforcers is still very consistent with his character, as it aligns with his methods: "ends justifying the means." He's willing to act on short-term violence to achieve a long-term vision. idk how it can be achieved without having enforcers in your pocket to be honest, but sure! let me know.

so to circle back, if you said fuck the police or "all cops are evil," (looking at you, AO), silco would agree with you.

#silco #silco arcane #arcane #arcane league of legends #arcane silco #arcane meta #arcane critical #anti caitvi fans #piltover arcane #piltover and zaun #arcane zaun

88 notes · View notes

xaer1s · 4 months ago

Text

ㅤㅤ ─── pay the price ⸝⸝

[ 박성화 ] ─── COLLEGE AU!PARK SEONGHWA x FEM!READERㅤ·ㅤSYNOPSIS it started as a regular study session, where he studied and you didn’t, except it ended with being kicked out of the libraryㅤ·ㅤWORD COUNT 2.7kㅤ·ㅤWARNINGS nsfw!!, oral (m receiving), dom!hwa, est. relationship, pet names, hwa is mean, voyeurism (and yeah they’re caught. in the library), dirty talk, cursing, cum eating, fingering, hwa is a pusher!!, hwa is kinda using reader, not really proofread, lmk if missed anything & sorry for possible mistakes!!

금 hi sweeties, I wanted to try pushing myself with the word count now. imo the way i write now is just screams that i don't have patience. So this time i took the effort to not actually delete the draft once i didnt work on it and i just waited for motivation. i kinda rushed it and its just a bunch of everything but i hope you like it! I also know this is VERY not seonghwa but the original plan was about him anyways so i dediced to keep him! / check out NAViGATiON ・・・・・; ✉︎ message me on: @smnxi ; please reblog and follow if you like my posts! do not spam likes, or you'll be blocked, sorry! ♡

if you'd like to be a part of my taglist, fill out this form, dm me or comment on ONLY the rules post!/ requests open!

You sat in the library, yet again, hunched over a really thick science book. The lines and words blur together, making it difficult to even keep your eyes open. You rested your head in your palms to prevent it from slumping onto the wooden table with a loud bang. A frustrated sigh escaped your lips as your feet bounced up and down, shaking the table vigorously without you realizing it.

As the warm sun dipped below the horizon, the small corner where you had retreated became undeniably uncomfortable. Your head spun from all the information you were eager to absorb in just a few hours, leaving your tired brain overwhelmed.

In any other setting, you would’ve found it endearing and beautiful to just gaze out the window at sunset, having its rays warm up your face and skin, coating you too in the gentle goldish color. Instead, squirming on a worn-out padded chair that was probably as old as you, your back aching and eyes burning while you scanned the pages.

Your index and thumb fingers fidgeted with the corner of the book, wishing deep in your heart you could just rip it straight out, crumple it up, and have it land in the trash bin. With great effort, you managed to turn the page instead, thinking twice if you really wanted to continue for the day or rest with the possibility of the failing your test.

Seonghwa, on the other hand unfortunately for you was nearing the end of his patience.

You both agreed on a small, shared study session, agreeing to help you out at the price of just enjoying your company while going through books. Your boyfriend sent frustrated glares and glances towards you which flew over your head like air.

“You should’ve said no.” His nose is buried in the books, not even sparing a single glance at you. When you don’t answer because the confusion blocks your brain, he continues, “To come with me to the library. Especially if you’re not gonna do anything useful.” Seonghwa placed his chin on his palm, his eyes judging you as one of his eyebrows arched up.

“You’re on the page you were like.. 23 minutes ago.” He said matter of factly and you were indeed.

“Yeah, because you said you’d help.” You quibbled further. “And I’m currently, waiting for that, help, Seonghwa.” He responded with a long, drawn-out "oh," clearly laced with sarcasm.

“Let’s see it then,” he said suddenly, a determined glint in his eye. He quickly adjusted his soft silver hair, tucking it behind his ear before encroaching on your personal space.

His gentle lashes fluttered prettily, seeming almost majestic under the rough white lamps. Deep brown orbs shone as he caught up on your topic, for the sake of tutoring you.

Out of the blue, his gentle voice called out, so caring and soothing but with a certain firmness. “You’re staring, sweetheart.” Two long fingers grazed the side of your face, barely even touching when a sudden sharp feeling of discomfort shot through you.

As his fingers grazed the side of your face in a fleeting touch, a sharp discomfort jolted through you as he playfully pinched your plush cheeks, tugging your head slightly to the side. A groan escaped your lips and your eyes snapped shut.

“What a shame that those beautiful orbs are not staring at the sheets.” A small peck soothed the stinging red spot on your skin, his hand straying over you in a faint caress. “Should we search for another book to keep my baby’s interest up, hm?”

And that did the work for you to follow him. Giving him the faintest attitude was quickly melted away every time tenderness crept into his tone. Practicing the greatest patience in your company was a challenge but with devotion, he learned how to control you just the right way.

Your eyes brushed over the titled edge of the books, but in reality, they did not show care even for the descriptions. Getting to the end of the scientific section at an incredibly fast pace. You rushed forward while the boy just sauntered behind you, pocketing his hands.

He was paying attention to you, knowing you couldn’t care less about finding a better book to study from.

“Nothing much here…” you mused, feigning a disappointed sigh. But in truth, you couldn’t be happier—this meant you might finally escape the confines of your study session, right?

However, the moment you turned your head to leave, you were met with dark eyes locking onto yours, the warmth of his breath fanning against your skin, igniting a blush that crept up your cheeks. Startled, you jumped slightly before quickly recomposing yourself, a faint chuckle escaping your lips in an attempt to mask the sudden rush of emotions.

“What?

“Keep this nonchalant attitude up and you’re walking out on that door..” He paused, nodding towards the brown, wooden exit door at the other side all while keeping the stern eye contact. “With your throat fucked raw.”

He wasn’t shy about his words apparently since there wasn’t a soul near you so what could even hold back his filthy tongue?

“I didn’t work for shit. For you to laze your ass around after I lectured you, hm?” Seonghwa asked with a small tilt of his head, just when you were about to pat him on the shoulder for his great pun and let out a good cackle together. “Now knock your sense into your small brain.. or I will.” He warns. “But there won’t be much thanks in it.”

This side of him is rare for to let it seep through his always collected, warm, and charming façade. You just stared into his eyes dumbly for a long enough period for you to feel his words sink in and their seriousness this time.

A nervous laugh made itself out of you, your attention darting around behind him -anything- to avoid his staring. The atmosphere felt intimidating now but mostly embarrassing, he didn’t do anything to force you to look at him, knowing you’d have to do it yourself in the end.

“You think I’m joking, do you?”

“Joking- haha… You’re not?..” the small, forced giggle halted down into an embarrassing silence, you sucked a breath through your teeth to ground yourself with a nod. “I knew that.”

“You did, my sweet, sweet smart girl?..” The outside voices faded away when he put a hand on top of your head, rubbing your hair just a bit to ruffle it before letting it rest on the back of your neck, urging you to close the remaining gap by yourself.

“Just like any sane person.. I charge for my services, too.” Added against your lips, breathing the same air, he pulled you into a rough kiss. His tongue darted out to lick at the seam of your mouth demanding entry which you gladly provided not showing an ounce of resistance.

“So be good and work hard for those grades, just like I work to tutor you.” By placing pressing on your shoulders with his arms, your knees buckled to the floor.

Little to no use with your resistance, there you were, kneeling right in front of his bulging crotch. “Hwa-”

“Shh.. do you see that?” He questioned, cooing while his own eyes took a look at his straining erection. “Yeah, that’s what you’ll take care of.”

“In the library-”

“In the fucking library, y/n.” He made you bite back on the remaining words of your sentence. Right hand fisting in your hair, the other roughly working to get rid of his annoying piece of clothing, pushing his pants just below his waist in the company of his boxers.

“Hurry.” He instructed, not-so-patiently waiting for you to take hold of him, stroking him to life. You looked unsure about your actions, almost as if you’d stop at any moment which you would’ve loved to, except the man’s hold on you didn’t let you budge. With small licks up the underside of his shaft with the flat of your tongue, you felt a twitch, his member finally growing in size.

Your hair held back in a makeshift ponytail, for some reason your muscles just seemed to resist at all cost. Seonghwa’s hold was a lot stronger, digits pulling on your roots and digging into your scalp, while his other hand held a firm grip on his heavy, pulsing cock.

“C’mon now.. we agreed, be a good girl already..” he tutted, intently watching as he smeared the white droplets oozing from his tip across your plump, parted lips.

Your heart hammered in your ears wildly, what if someone heard you or worse -saw you-. Seonghwa didn’t even bother to drag you to the restrooms, choosing a perfect spot behind the bookshelves. Still, passersby people could clearly take out to scene before them if they even catch a glimpse of what happening through the cracks between the books arranged carefully, yet messy enough to reveal everything-.

The man looked down at you like you were some kind of doll, exclusively for his pleasure. His actions and words are not gentle in any kind of way. Still, gazing into his orbs, his warmth embracing your body just made your cunt clench and weep under the confinement of your clothes.

His gentle fingers now holding your locks with anything but mercy, the more you try to pull away the more he’s pushing.

Paranoid, taking a swift look around, accidentally making eye contact with someone.

Crap, if they didn’t know before, they must know now. Hurriedly, you tapped on his waist, abruptly shaking your head and pleading for Seonghwa to let you up. He didn’t.

“Did they notice us?..” He drawled, voice strained with pleasure. You blushed, a mix of arousal and embarrassment flushing your cheeks. “You need that help, hm?” You did indeed, agree with a subtle nod. “Then just shut up..” He tipped his head back with a quiet snicker, the next groan higher with a few pitches. They didn’t just notice, they heard now.

Seonghwa didn’t care less if you couldn’t visit this library because of your dirty acts as it results in you being banned or just not going back anymore and the burning shame of being seen.

The delicate locks framing his face now swayed with every thrust his hips slammed into your used mouth. Throat aching and your lips pulsing. Feeling the salty droplets on your tongue, you knew he was close, he looked back down at your kneeling form. His hand which wasn’t occupied with moving your head, cupped the side of your face, the thumb gently brushing over your heavily squeezed down eyelids, encouraging you to open them.

“Look at me, doll..” Hwa called out as you weren’t able to comprehend the hint. Your ears ringing and your brain is a complete mush. When you locked gazes, a devilish grin stretched on his face at the exquisite sight of you so fucked out, salty tears stung the corner of your eyes, throat contracting around his invading member, eliciting a muffled cough.

Pearly white droplets dripped on your chin, creating a hardly audible thud sound as it came into contact with the black carpeted floor underneath. Gulping down the generous load, swiftly wiping away the excess.

“They caught-”

“Like I give a single fuck..” Tucking himself back in no time, sweeping his clothes with his palms across his body, he was ready to go, not like you. You, who still sat on your knees, your throat sore, body flushed hot.

Letting out a drained sigh, he gave a small tap under your chin with his middle and index finger. “Collect yourself.” You seemed so shameful, embarrassment filling your veins, your hands and legs trembling just the right amount.

The fire you saw a few seconds ago completely dissipated into thin air, two hands hooked under your arms to roughly make you stand back on your own two legs.

“Seonghwa- we- we really should go..” You stammered, head turning left and right, leaning to peek past the shelves if the person was still around. There was no one, yet you couldn’t shake off the feeling of what if they came back and you’d get into trouble?

“No.” He responded curtly. “Not until I say we do. Now turn.”

“What-”

“Just turn the fuck around.” And before you could even do as he said, he handled you himself, your face coming into contact with the wall, keeping yourself on your palm. “Is my baby this dumb? She doesn’t even understand the basics.. poor little girl..” Leaning in right next to your ear, blowing a warm stream of breath on your nape, having goosebumps rise all over you.

He soothed the rough action of his left hand on the back of your head, gripping your hair to push forward, making you squeeze your face against the cold surface, a whined out disagreement leaving you.

“Either you gonna stay quiet or everyone in here will know what we’re up to, your choice.” Stay quiet? What for? What is he gonna-

A strangled gasp escaped you, his right hand shoving itself inside your pants, cupping your sex through your underwear. The heel of his palm and fingers rubbing insistently as the heat between your legs slowly.

“You want to go? Like this? What a whore. You’d enjoy making a mess of your goddamn panties in the streets, huh?” His index finger pulled the soft cotton away to the side, three pads of his digits easily gliding through your folds, your slick helping the slide.

He snickered at your pleasured expression, cheeks dancing in deep red and your brain unable to form a coherent sentence at this point, —so he pushed you further— his soft pads wrote down shapes on your clit gently before delivering a small pinch to the sensitive bud, making you purposefully moan out just a bit louder, mingling with your barely audible pants.

Feeling the pulsing grow between your legs, he sneakily pushed two fingers inside your sopping hole, while his thumb continued the maddening circling.

“So pretty.. do you think others hear you too?” Just the simple thought of what he said was true, had you clench around him and causing him to let out a low groan at the feeling. “Does this make you excited?”

There was no point in denying it to him; you gave Seonghwa a small nod as his left hand moved to encircle your waist the moment he sensed your hips twitch and struggle. His thrusts quickened, the silence between the white walls was so loud, the squelches hearable like screams, yet you didn’t care. You hopelessly chased your orgasm, which Seonghwa eagerly pushed you towards, having your knees trembling.

“You’re doing so good, darling.” Pumping faster and eliciting higher-pitched sounds from you: his biggest concern was now you. Free hand pressing on your mouth in a futile attempt to keep your moans at bay, eyes rolled back and closing to embrace the pleasure. Your walls clenched and fluttered around his fast pumping fingers.

“So close, baby.. let go for me..” He encouraged in faint whispers between nibbles on your neck, curling his fingers just right and hitting the spot, sending you hurtling over the edge, making you shake apart in his arms as he worked you through your high steadily.

When the intense waves of pleasure faded, he was quick to free his hand from your panties, digits prodding at your mouth.

“C’mon, clean it.” Before you could protest, he simply pushed in his fingers, waiting to have your tongue swirl around them but seeing him not letting up, you did what he asked for.

Now, after he made an even bigger mess in your underwear, calming yourself by taking a few, deep breaths to steady out your panting, Seonghwa quickly dragged you back to the table you carelessly left minutes ago, gathering both of your stuff and throwing his bag over his shoulder while carrying yours. Your heads hung low, feeling a few pairs of eyes on you burning holes in your back.

In a few strides, you stepped through the door, shutting it close behind him before exchanging a glance of not coming back to this place, ever.

plagiarism is strictly forbidden, do not translate my works, copy them or publish them on another site ; @xaer1s

#[ ✧ ﹒ ] aeris writes #ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez oneshot #ateez smut #ateez x reader #park seonghwa #seonghwa smut #ateez scenarios #ateez seonghwa #park seonghwa fanfic #park seonghwa x reader #ateez park seonghwa #park seonghwa scenarios #ateez seonghwa smut #ateez seonghwa x reader #ateez smut oneshot #ateez seonghwa oneshot

96 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 2 months ago

Note

I keep being baffled by the amounts of readers who seem to have fits whenever a fic doesn't have chapters. How do they deal with all the Real Literature TM that doesn't have chapters?

Apart from the very simple "don't like, don't read" approach, if it's because you lose your place because the browser reloads, several options have already been suggested, and I sincerely hope it helps whoever feels that was the big problem.

I am one of those who post all in one go, regardless of the length, so I don't see the point of chapters. Yes, I know, "Post chapter by chapter anyways to improve readership and max your comment count and be more popular" or whatever the equivalent of "Game the algorithm" is on AO3. It feels like cheating to me; it's already all written down, and I am not here to play a numbers game. I crave feedback and interaction, of course; that's why I'm posting, but I don't want to use that kind of trick if it's already, well. All there already. Readers can take breaks whenever they want if they like breaks; I'm not their parent.

I also don't like reading WIPs because I will not have the immersion I prefer, or will forget half of what happened before, and I don't have time to reread everything each time I pick it up again, so I guess I don't see the appeal. You do you, etc. To each their preferences. (As a reader, I am team finished work + full_work or, more often, just download it all. That's how *I* roll; it doesn't mean *you* have to do the same, you know?).

I did try to post chapters a few times. Once, I inverted two of them while posting (still smarting over that years later), and another time, I was posting once a day to follow a daily prompt list… which gave me Big Angst because what if I dropped dead partway? (Yes, someone had access to my AO3 to post the drafted chapters if I croaked). Each time, I was really anxious about where to put the cutoff, or change the POV - at this point it makes the chapters more balanced length-wise, but it would be more interesting to have this scene from X's POV! This scene ends a chapter's subplot, but thematically goes with the next chapter's prompt! It might be stupid, but it is what it is, and I don't see why I should choose to torture myself for something I, as a reader, couldn't care less about.

I just… don't know when to break things up. I write linearly, and while I know the rough idea of where I'm going, I don't have a definite plan and sometimes things will be shaken up as I write. I use visual markers for scene changes and POV changes (not the same markers, actually), but sometimes a scene or POV will be much longer/shorter, so it would all make chapters super unbalanced, so??? Choices? I have to make choices? Nope. Visual marker it is, and I can breathe.

If that's grounds for muting/blocking me, then go for it, I guess? I just don't get the virulence of some of these anons on the topic - it's a you do you situation, and sometimes we just don't get why people do things differently, but that's how it's like sometimes. No need to be mad at people for not doing things the way YOU like.

I don't care about maximizing readership, but chapters are the norm in many styles of writing. I prefer to divide a longer work into them instead of using anemic little section dividers. I save those for a sub-chapter division, should I need one.

Honestly, genre fiction is mostly divided into chapters. Yes, there are famous authors who don't use them, and I'm sure you're about to pull five out of your butt, but I think their work reads more poorly than the many, many authors who do use them. Yes, even Mr. Extra Famous And Loved By Fandom, whomever he is this time.

I don't particularly care about non-genre fiction, but plenty of multi-POV literary fiction does use chapters to divide the points of view.

It is common for chapters to be different lengths—desirable even. If a writer can't figure out how to divide something, I think that's a failure of skill... but no, I don't think it's that big of a deal in fic, and I'll read whatever has my blorbos and looks good even if it's formatted poorly and/or in a way I don't prefer.

76 notes · View notes

heliianth · 1 month ago

Text

on Killua, projection, and spectrophobia

This post is sort of a sequel to this answer I gave an asker, wherein I said that an overarching theme in Killua's ability to situate himself and understand the world around him is constant social categorization. It's also a very direct extension of this post about how he sees Nanika in relation to his own self-perception and the way in which he treats her as a result of projection.

Originally that second post was actually meant to be the ultimate conclusion to this one (i've been sitting on this draft for close to a year atp). So it's a little embarrassing to post this without it as a closer—this feels unfinished as a result—but I'll link it in the relevant section where it should've been read anyway, and you can take it or leave it. If you do read it and see parts I paraphrased or directly copy-pasted from very early points in this meta, that's why lol. I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite thoughts I had already articulated in my notes app, nor did I want to leave the anon hanging for however long it would take to polish this up.

Eli, this is long as fuck. Why do you care this much?

Well, why does anyone care about anything? I like yapping. This is the yapping website. Take this as your warning that this is going to be LENGTHY, btw

But the main reason I started thinking about this and writing it down so long ago is the pervasive perception within the fandom that Killua is very logical, and that this demeanor of his is a deliberate contrast to Gon’s impulsivity, reliance on instinct, and tendency to operate based on emotion. This makes the audience trust his word even when everything surrounding him is working to tell you he’s an unreliable source of narration, including the aloof overpowered rival-deuteragonist archetype he’s subverting, which people seem to recognize in every other way but this for some reason. His family directly spells out to the audience that he’s way too emotional and volatile to be considered perfect, despite the golden child gambit—

—and while the Zoldycks are all stinky fucking liars as far as whether the audience should trust them or not, I do think they know what they’re talking about in terms of suitability to be an assassin. And Zeno is ostensibly supposed to be the "sane one," regardless of how you feel about that.

Even so, I think that it’s a really easily digestible and also not unpopular view here on tumblr to acknowledge that not only is Killua very often illogical, he’s also not less emotional than Gon just because he tends to analyze more information before making a decision. It’s not a hot take to say that Killua POV Syndrome is the source of a lot of mischaracterization for both of them and their relationship. Still, I rarely see anyone talk about the specific ways in which he’s illogical, identify an underlying pattern between each instance, and connect it to his arc and the very unsubtle metaphors that punctuate it as a whole. So that’s kind of what I’m aiming for here, just to present my ideas in one place so I don’t have to keep chunking them into different responses to asks.

So. 5 topics.

Projection (clarification)

Killua's Reflection

The Outlier: Gon

The In-group

The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

1. Projection

Projection is a term I think people are well acquainted with, but I still feel the need to define it so we’re all on the same page. It’s been in the periphery of the therapy speak epidemic that’s been happening for a while now, and I want it to be clear what we’re actually talking about.

In it’s most simple form, projection is the process of attributing one’s own traits or emotions to another. This is the most common way I’m going to be using the word, but there are other relevant intricacies:

Originally, it was conceived as a way of ego defense and emotional suppression or denial. For example, the first formally documented case of projection was in a 1895 letter in which Sigmund Freud described a woman who was avoiding confronting feelings of shame by insisting that neighbors were gossiping unjustly behind her back. This form wherein the person projecting recognizes an emotion or action as condemnable in themself but is unwilling to reflect on it, and then attributes that same trait to someone else so it is “safe” to judge, remains the more popular conception of projection. Freud is a whole can of worms and me referencing him is supposed to be more of a history lesson than a concession of legitimacy. And in terms of talking about projection, I do think the type he describes exists and I do think it’s useful for the purposes of this post to use his name in reference to it.

Contemporarily, projection is understood more benignly as being a part of theory of mind (the ability to parse the intentions and mental states of other people separately from one’s own). This type has many different forms which manifest healthily during stages of psychological development or interaction, such as a child learning to perform empathy by recognizing and interpreting familiar experiences or expressions in others. That specific process, however, is more often referred to as mentalization, wherein “…there is little distortion of the other person’s mind because there is no automatic equation of it with the mind of the observer..." though it is still considered a form of projection because it requires using your own experiences to determine that of another.

All of these definitions are relevant because Killua does all three. He imposes his own traits onto other people even if it’s not necessarily warranted, projects the judgement of his shameful aspects onto those around him to avoid confronting them (Freudian), and uses his own experiences to mentalize with targets chosen based on his own self-perception.

2. Killua’s Reflection

I’m sure everyone interested enough in Hunter x Hunter to be reading metas on it already knows about Killua’s shit self-esteem and where it comes from. It’s something that doesn’t really need to be restated. Nonetheless, I feel an aspect of it is necessary for what I want to say.

A lot of Killua’s emotional conflicts within the story stem from a desperate need to disprove what Illumi said to him in the exchange that disqualified him from the first arc's exam.

At this point Killua has actually seen and experienced things that contradict what Illumi is saying. But in this case, even with all of these new experiences and people on his side, Killua finds he can’t disagree with his big brother. After all, it’s backed up by some pretty irrefutable proof—more than Killua has.

For example, Killua’s reaction to Gon being completely unbothered in this conversation…

Alternate translation from the 2011 anime is: "That's weird... People only like me because they can't ever tell whether I'm serious." (Viz is my worst enemy for early HxH and should be yours too)

…corroborates 2 things:

Killua has approached people (outside of the Zoldyck estate) in the past, whether to be friends or to cure boredom

Upon being told about his family, these people either reacted poorly or with disbelief. Then he was ostracized or became disinterested

Killua doesn’t seem too bothered by this all things considered, and that’s because it reinforces his family’s emotional isolation, so it’s expected and he has no reason to think it's abnormal or worry over it. Killua is told he’s incapable of friendship because of who he is and how he was raised, and then every relationship he has ends before it can begin precisely because of those reasons. From his perspective, his family are objectively correct. Every time Killua talks to anyone, he may as well be proving that gravity eventually makes things fall down. He just kept trying because he was that desperate for friends who liked HIM, not his cute kid routine.

What his family have done is effectively created a rigid in-group that defines Killua and his capacity for interaction outside of that group. This has overlap with the typical notion of “out-group bias” which, when you google it, specifically brings up the mechanisms of bigotry. I’m referring to it in the more neutral tone associated with social identity theory, which has to do with socially assigned and defined traits valued via comparison (often moral comparison), and the desire to belong to an identity group that is valued positively by the majority.

The funny thing about the Zoldycks is that they do seem to teach their kids to some extent that murder is wrong and will be perceived as wrong by the out-group. But at the same time, a caveat is created: the reason why the in-group (their family) can and should engage in it is because it is in their nature. Asking Zoldycks not to murder is like asking a cat not to meow; they can do it simultaneously because of the family’s value-specific superiority and their moral inferiority—that they're good at what they do and inherently bad at what everyone else does. “We are the only ones who could ever love or understand you, you don’t need Them.” Not only is it isolating, it’s dehumanizing, and something like this is a classic tactic used to trap people.

Doesn’t work on Killua though! He swings in a counterintuitive direction by wanting acceptance from the out-group instead of withdrawing back to his safe, rejection-free in-group. I think that has to do with the fact that he’s also othered from that in-group in some manner.

Killua is part of the family, yet he’s the golden child. As of present, the entire operation revolves around him. He’s shown blatant favoritism: Illumi and Kikyo are obsessed with him, Zeno justifies preferential treatment when called on it, Silva is very lenient with him, and the butlers we’ve seen seem to all have some preference as well. The rest of his siblings may as well be invisible while he’s around. He’s not just a Zoldyck, he’s the heir. And with the amount of control exerted over him because of it, there’s an easy connection to make that being the family’s pet prodigy had a big hand in crafting Killua’s oppositional personality.

So funnily enough, by singling him out, the Zoldycks kind of guaranteed that Killua would start to suspect that he’s not actually a part of their in-group—fueling his desire to be normal (read: actually belong somewhere) and turn his search outward. Their tradition got too big and began cannibalizing itself. Put a pin in this because we’re returning to it later.

Going back to what Illumi actually said to Killua, during the fourth phase Killua both compares himself with Gon:

…and is absolutely baffled by the fight’s turn:

…which are things Illumi addresses—that one day, Killua will start evaluating Gon as an opponent, and that Gon confuses him. Though he’s using these to gaslight him into doubting his own emotions and desires, what Illumi says is all true to Killua.

Gon does confuse him because, unlike every other social interaction he’s ever had, Gon doesn’t reinforce what his family has said to him. Gon is not considered “the out-group” by Killua; he does not behave in the way Killua has seen and was taught the out-group behaves, so he must not have their same values. Most importantly, he likes Killua for who he is as an individual, not his proficiency at the things valued by his in-group, which makes him feel like an actual person and like he could potentially belong somewhere. Gon is dismantling the mechanisms of Killua’s abuse by… basically just being a silly little guy. And though obviously Killua isn’t aware of that specifically, he does feel it’s effects.

So when Illumi pops up and basically goes “Yeah, all that is a fluke. An outlier. I know how you think, this is what you were just doing, and you’re deluding yourself,” Killua has no argument because Gon is an outlier; the one person that’s not part of the out-group or the in-group.

And then Illumi goes and puts the final nail in the coffin by forcing him to surrender, thereby allowing Gon to die and "proving" him right in that he's incapable of connection. So he does what’s expected of a murderer then goes home.

Of course, Gon storms the castle anyway, but this exchange still haunts Killua. He believes Illumi is still right. There is still the in-group, the outgroup, and Gon.

This is the kind of thinking that Killua brings into every relationship he has and, despite wanting so badly to prove Illumi wrong, he uses these preconceptions in order to side step actually confronting it. Killua doesn’t like thinking about the possibility of Illumi being correct. He doesn’t want to; he gets genuinely upset, sometimes angry, when reminded of it (think his outburst with Nobunaga in Yorknew), and it’s hard for him to engage with the idea when it comes up. But proving Illumi wrong in any substantial manner would mean thinking about it.

Similarly to Gon assigning Killua the role of “the cool-headed one who keeps me in check,” Killua takes Illumi’s evaluations of their relationship and twists them into something he can operate off of. In his head, he’s assigned Gon the role of “the outlier" which Illumi described, but views Gon’s uniqueness optimistically instead of misanthropically. As a result, Killua ends up pouring his self-worth into being useful to Gon. He doesn’t really know how else to get people to want him around, and as long as Gon is around, Illumi is wrong.

Though Killua is doing this in order to prove so, he’s not actually fully rejecting Illumi—it’s very psychologically shallow because the foundation of it still relies on Illumi’s assessments. Doing this lets Killua avoid having to do overwhelming hard work in either self-evaluation or examination of his upbringing—ironically reinforcing what Illumi wants, which is to constantly run away from problems he can’t handle.

When I say Killua is avoiding having to do hard work on reflection, I don’t mean that in a negative way. Actually deconstructing all this would take years of grueling emotional labor to do, and Killua is a child. So instead, he applies this faulty worldview in ways that make him happy, and that’s better than nothing. There’s genuinely no other option for him at this point in the story and it would obviously be silly to condemn him for it.

This is the basis of his projection; a habitual avoidance of confronting difficult emotions or ideas and an application of traits onto people regardless of fitness to reinforce it—loosely Freudian. It’s because of this that the the reoccurring motif of often literal fight or flight is so important to Killua’s character and is so deeply entrenched in his development, beyond the physical prowess to defeat strong opponents or even just growing out of being an assassin. It's a metaphor for him learning to start actually unpacking his abuse.

3. The Outlier: Gon

Because the way he perceives himself has been molded by alienation, Killua has some difficulty mentalizing with people he sees as belonging to an out-group—instead relying on analysis and pattern recognition to mimic that function and compensate. This usually works out for him because he’s a smart kid, but not always, especially when there’s no pre-established pattern (such as that time he thinks himself into a hole during the Greed Island player selection process).

There are a few examples of Killua’s difficulty to mentalize with people he’s already decided are unlike him, but a lot of them can be simultaneously attributed to apathy or practicality, so I don’t want to say anything definitive. In that same vein, Killua also seems to have a rough time getting along with peers and certain authority figures in general, which is a result of many intersecting things, some having to do with projection—for example, I’m reasonably certain his difficulties with older women come from family misogyny and his own disdain for his mother—and some not.

Despite these varying reasons, I feel confident in saying mentalizing with assigned out-groups is something Killua struggles with because Gon, the person he spends most of the series glued at the hip with, is the single biggest example and indication of it.

As mentioned, Gon confuses the hell out of Killua at first. This subsides as the series goes on—he begins to understand Gon very well behaviorally, enough to accurately predict and describe him—but it returns in the Chimera Ant Arc when Gon’s previously reliable patterns start to shift and Killua has no idea how to deal with it. This gulf of dark and light he’s invented between them causes Killua to simultaneously project heavily onto Gon and understand him as someone so alien that he often completely misses Gon’s greater motivations (and cannot actually internalize his affections, though that’s not unique to the ant arc).

His perception of Gon is so wrapped in his perception of himself that arguably one of Killua’s most dramatic and iconic little internal monologues (“you are light”) occurs right after an emotional low point where he’s obviously feeling guilty and wondering whether he’s capable of performing his assigned role in their friendship, then is urged to no longer think about it (avoidance).

To make matters more obvious, Killua’s vocabulary in the “you are light” declaration is even ripped directly out of Illumi’s mouth (眩しすぎて, translated by Viz as “radiant” from Illumi then again as “too bright” during this scene). Killua idolizes Gon as being this brilliant outlier and relies on him as a key part of his psychological avoidance—not at all even considering whether this fundamental idea, which is borrowed from and agrees with Illumi, is wrong on its own.

In the CAA, Killua is constantly having these beliefs he’s trying to dodge nailed in not only by the adults around him but also his own actions. And, when Bisky confronts him with (what he hears as) the possibility that Gon’s mere presence isn’t enough to prove Illumi wrong and Killua will end up essentially killing him regardless, he becomes resigned to the idea that he is unfixable up until he rips that needle out of his brain.

Removing Illumi’s needle results in a high point for his esteem primarily because it forced Killua to actually linger and, again, think about Illumi and his abuse. It was a huge confrontation both physically and mentally, he did it by himself without any of his psychological crutches, and coming out on top built his confidence to the point where his mood/behavior changed enough for Gon to notice. But it didn’t erase his unease about their relationship.

As Killua begins to feel less stable in his self-appointed roles, Gon also starts to break down and starts prioritizing revenge on Pitou. Alone. And this makes Killua also feel less stable in Gon’s role as the outlier. Similarly to the woman who invents gossiping neighbors to avoid addressing shame, Killua invents judgement from his best friend to internally avoid addressing his internalized alienation. He ends up worrying that Gon will ostracize him and assuming the worst, when previously he thought he'd be the only one who wouldn't do that. He becomes hyper-observant of any possible rejection.

And he’s not worried about moral rejection like he used to be! Because when Palm is introduced, it becomes evident that the rejection Killua is worried about is revealed to be his emotional value to Gon. Whether Killua is as important to Gon as Gon is important to Killua—whether his feelings, romantic or otherwise, are reciprocated.

Then with Palm, these insecurities take the form of pretty stereotypical projection in the form of jealousy and cattiness, even after the whole dating thing is finished…

…and leads to his meltdown right in front of her, during which the narrative acknowledges and makes him finally voice these insecurities.

Like, when Gon says “Let’s go,” Killua immediately spirals into worrying what Gon means by it in terms of his value. Whether they are “just teammates” or something more.

And when Gon tells Killua “This has nothing to do with you,” he can verbally acknowledge that Gon is not being deliberately nasty, but it still hits him like a truck anyway. His true understanding of the situation, regardless of what he thinks logically, is that he is being ejected from their friendship—that Killua, who defines his personhood according to the roles assigned by both himself and Gon, is no longer wanted and no longer belongs anywhere.

A sign of disordered or delayed ability to mentalize in a child—appropriately, due to abuse or atypical attachment—is not being able to separate their own reaction from the intentions of their caregiver during a reprimand or some similar interaction. This is relevant in that Killua has placed Gon into a position with an inordinate (and frankly unfair) amount of emotional authority upon which he’s reliant for comfort and affirmation. Killua’s theory of mind is impaired in relation to Gon not only as is normal due to strong emotions, but also his projecting onto what Gon thinks, which is a result of othering himself from him.

4. The In-group

I think the above is… fairly obvious, and also a super unoriginal observation. But it’s made rhetorically useful by it’s converse: the fact that Killua has a really easy time mentalizing with people that are inhuman, whether morally or literally. I’ll rapid-fire a few examples because they’re pretty self-explanatory…

Killua recognizes Hisoka’s intentions because “[he’s] like him”.

More Hisoka parallels, this time including Gon

(I’m convinced a lot of these are with Hisoka because Togashi still wanted us to hang onto the abundance of “Killua will turn heel” red herrings in the early story. Small tangent, but during the exam Togashi loved to separate Killua from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio in various ways, often physically, in part to encourage the audience to other him so that these red herrings would be extremely prominent even during Heaven’s Arena. But I think a Watsonian analysis is also fitting)

This one is shakier because it’s primarily an ethical debate which Gon and Bisky chime in on as well, but I thought it was good to include as part of a broader pattern since he specifically brings up moral values and how they define in-groups.

Killua empathizes with Ikalgo right after being willing to murder him lmfao. It's notable the way in which he starts checking around this time if the ants/people he's fighting are douchebags or not (do they have the right social identity or not?), which seemingly justifies killing them.

(I think it’s really interesting that the upper page centers Killua’s hands during the setup for a realization about Meruem hurting himself for the sake of a “special someone." It's like Killua's equivalent to Gon's "[You'd hurt yourself] when... you can't forgive yourself.")

The reason why this occurs has to do with the defined social identities created by his family and the immediate biases/prejudices associated with them. Because of how Killua has dehumanized himself in accordance with these traits, he is pre-disposed to extending understanding—whether that be actual compassion or simple insight—toward characters who are othered as monstrous in-universe (and by the audience, where it’s used as a narrative tool by Togashi) because these experiences of being alienated from the vast majority are most familiar and sensical to him.

This becomes pretty obvious to me when you take into account that Killua’s only friends other than Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika—or at least the only other people he actually calls his friends—are chimera ants (and, in the case of Palm, she was very much ostracized even when she was a human including by Killua himself). Characters like these are relatable and make someone part of an in-group, whether he likes it or not.

On that last point, I want to bring up this observation and comment made by him…

…because while this observation from Killua comes about naturally due to Pitou’s behavior during this confrontation, the comment about protecting not being in their nature sticks out to me as somewhat uncharacteristic. It feels distinctly very emotionally charged in the midst of a scene where Killua is deliberately trying to remain calm and impartial for the sake of Gon (exercizing the role Gon gave to him).

Part of this is definitely because Pitou has been symbolized to these kids for what they did to Kite, but Pitou also has a LOT of parallels with Killua as a result of them both being intrinsically intertwined with the questions of nature Togashi brings up in Hunter x Hunter. Killua is “by nature a murderer,” Pitou is “by nature incapable [of this action]”; I believe they are very deliberate foils, so it’s interesting to hear Killua think things about Pitou that Illumi once said to him.

It’s also worthwhile to note that the role Pitou was born into and the role Killua gives himself are essentially the same, Guard, and that Meruem and Gon mean similar things to them (of course, there is the “light that illuminates all”/“you are light” comparison, but more abstractly, both Meruem and Gon represent the Ants’/Killua’s potential for expansion/evolution—in the food chain and in life/purpose respectively—and are protected as such). They also abide by this role with almost the exact same amount of devotion; we see this in the way Pitou crying over being trusted with something so important to Meruem (healing Komugi) is a parallel to how Killua was so impacted by being relied upon for an important task to Gon (holding the dodgeball).

Killua definitely doesn’t consider any similarities consciously the way he does with Hisoka, Ikalgo, or through mentalization with Meruem, but when he is thinking this of Pitou, he’s looking at a narrative foil, which I find telling. I think it’s a very classic case of Freudian projection.

5. The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

All this brings me to what I want to talk at length about, which I suppose you can already guess because I gave it away in the section heading.

Killua’s relationship with his sisters has always been fascinating to me because they’re probably the only people in the world he would genuinely consider as sharing his precise in-group. Not just the Zoldyck family in-group, but the Killua in-group. And it really effects the way he thinks during the Election Arc.

I’ve tried my best to neatly separate Alluka and Nanika into their own sections, but it’s still going to be sorta all over the place (moreso than this analysis already is) mostly because right now Killua still hasn’t totally figured out that Alluka and Nanika are basically two whole different people. He’s certainly much closer to that than the rest of his family considering he actually makes a distinction between them, but he’s still not treating Nanika like an individual at this point in the story. And that’s super important to the way he projects onto them, so it’s going to be a little messy. Sorry in advance

Alluka

Remember that pin I told you to save for later? Now is later.

Alluka and Nanika sit at the table with Killua in being othered not only by the defined out-group (due to just being a Zoldyck), but by the people who were supposed to be The In-group™ in the first place: his family. Of course, Alluka’s situation is very different and accelerated faster than a racecar the second Nanika stopped being a secret, but evidently she was kept secret for a reason. Killua was already extremely astute even at the age when these events were happening, and probably assessed (accurately) that there would be huge drama if Nanika were ever discovered; he even went so far as to keep hiding things about how her powers worked long after the gig was up. It would be kind of stating the obvious to say someone who does all that isn’t someone who considers his sister(s) normal according to in-group standards. Otherwise there wouldn’t have been a secret at all.

The reason why Killua got along with his sister(s) so well pre-lockup and pre-needle was most likely because he was already being socially separated from his siblings as the family heir. He then took comfort from Alluka in knowing he wasn’t the only “weird” one, even if no one but him knew that yet, and projected onto her (making decisions about Nanika for her that reflect his own wishes—to keep her secret so that no one would treat her differently)

It’s partially this same projection (i say partially because it’s also, like, basic compassion) that makes Killua so mad when Alluka is outright excluded—not just symbolically, but legitimately—from the family.

He himself strives desperately to be “normal”/belong somewhere, and that ‘somewhere’ includes his own family, though at this point he obviously has more complicated emotions about it. He wants to be understood and accepted by them without being smothered—even Illumi, when he tests Killua to make a wish that would kill him, is included in this desire. In Killua’s ideal world, the Zoldycks would be on good terms with each other and act “normal”; a fantasy from a childhood whose corpse he still drags around because he doesn’t recognize that he’s been abused beyond being helicoptered and needled. Alluka herself shares this:

It’s one more thing they have in common. And, like he does when Illumi spoke in his head during Yorknew or when he said he didn’t actually want anything during the Exam, Killua gets angry when this fantasy is denied. He becomes confrontational in a way he usually wouldn’t otherwise.

I feel it’s notable that Killua does not contradict Alluka’s idea that if she were gone, everyone would get along more. Not because I think he believes it, but because I think he also doesn’t know the answer. So instead, he pivots into comforting her another way. And crucially, it’s by using something he can understand: that there is a special outlier who loves her even if she doesn’t belong anywhere, and as long as they’re together she doesn’t have to worry about it.

Cool. All that’s pretty easy to get. But it gets more complicated, because it always does.

When Killua returns for Alluka, he returns because he needs to save Gon. And with Gon comes all the baggage associated with him.

Despite the deconstruction of the dark/light dichotomy with him during the CAA, Killua remains identified with a ‘nonhuman’-aligned in-group only he belongs to, and continues judging himself accordingly. It’s a position that still puts a wall of glass between him and the majority out-group, and leaves him uncomfortably othered in the Zoldyck in-group. Gon was the all-important, miraculous outlier that made him be able to live with it, the one person that made him feel like he belonged somewhere even if it wasn’t on the basis of being in the same moral in-group. The exception to the rule of ostracization. But he knows better now. And while that’s really good progress because it begins to demystify Gon (who deserves to be understood), it leaves him in a very fragile state when confronting his family because that role was a lynchpin for upholding the psychological anti-Illumi safety net he built after the Hunter Exam.

Ultimately, this leaves Killua in a situation where his sisters can uniquely reaffirm this unhealthy superego because he can project onto them in ways he can’t with anyone else.

By saddling himself with the lone responsibility to heal Gon as a way to atone for failing to perform his role—an insecurity magnified by “this has nothing to do with you”—Killua is paralleling Gon’s guilt complex to a degree (as he does throughout the entire story, but it feels especially prominent here). Where they differ is that Gon’s apology and the validation of his emotions Killua will get from that is the relief from guilt he seeks, not the self-destruction Gon does.

In Killua’s head, they both failed their roles in their friendship—Killua didn’t end up being of any use to Gon in the end, and Gon ended up ostracizing Killua—so Killua vows to do his part again as long as Gon does so as well.

In a way, this is him acknowledging both his emotional understanding and his logical understanding of that exchange in the palace—that Gon didn’t mean what he said and did (thereby expecting him to apologize), but it still hurt him (he wants an apology anyway). This apology isn’t about blaming Gon for what he did or even really holding him responsible—which is why he can tease him lightheartedly about it later—it’s more about Killua’s own emotions. He’s standing up for himself! Which is an indication of a maturing theory of mind.

Some people read this panel with an undercurrent of Killua meaning this will be the last time he helps Gon in this way—and I understand where that comes from due to the fact that they separate afterward, and don’t really have an objective counterargument. So take this next part with a grain of salt, but I really don’t think that’s true. Killua isn’t the type to do that… I don’t even think it’s in his brain to separate from Gon right now. This is just Killua deciding that he needs to start laying down boundaries and paying attention to what he really wants in their relationship outside of being useful. It’s an out-loud admission of how deeply he cares, to the point where he can no longer wholly process or justify it as a transaction, as he does with most forms of love for self-evident reasons. It’s the beginnings of him learning about unconditionality. This is a huge step.

So…. where does it sour?

Well, Killua is faced with a similar sort of guilt brought on by role-failure (the role being “big brother”) when he comes to retrieve Alluka…

Whether you believe “Was it because Illumi was manipulating me?” is Togashi giving the audience a hint or this line being pure in-universe speculation, it doesn’t quite matter, because Killua feels the same about it at the end of the day: guilt and shame.

Though he apologizes to Alluka for this and she readily accepts it, it’s obvious these feelings continue to gnaw at him throughout the entire arc. It retroactively chips down the work he did back at the hospital, since they are the same emotion with similar catalysts.

I say this because I feel like you can infer that his guilt over these two separate but similar things bleeds together by the way Killua, when talking to himself, tends to refer to the two ‘savings’ in conjunction. You could totally say I’m onto nothing because one is a result of the other so no shit they’re related, but I think it’s significant to this discussion.

Specifically the last exchange also serves as a way for Killua to verbally reassure Alluka of her importance to him. The fact that he thinks this is necessary also shows to me that, again, he’s still feeling guilty for it, even though Alluka never indicates that she holds it against him. These panels further reaffirm this belief of mine:

…because Killua is planning to permanently put Nanika to sleep so that Alluka can “spend more time with him” (in the words she herself uses when complaining about it), which indicates that, again, it is something he feels horrible for—and that he sees Nanika in a very particular way which assigns fault to her that doesn’t quite exist, but we’ll get to it soon.

What I’m trying to say here is that because saving Alluka is inseparable from saving Gon, so too becomes the magnified things he feels over not being able to do either of these things beforehand. So successfully defending Alluka becomes way for him to relieve this now-compounded guilt and reassure himself that he’s still capable of fulfilling his self-assigned roles. If he can do that, he can still belong somewhere. He’ll still be worthy of love.

To summarize, Killua not only related to Alluka when she was young—making her very easy to project onto—but also the situation calls for Killua to see her as an extension of his best friend, which only rubs salt into the wound and serves to make him more irrational about it since Killua is still seeking redemption and reparation for the breakdown in the CAA.

Considering all the progress Killua has made, this is a relatively hard relapse. It makes sense, though; just look at what’s happening! Illumi has been the main catalyst for all this agonizing, the person whose assessments he’s developed a pathological need to simultaneously prove wrong and also avoid thinking about altogether. Now he’s got to stare that person in the face with everything on the line and tell him to fuck off.

This is the needle yank prelude on steroids for Killua—a magnification of that time when he was constantly teetering on the edge of ditching and clinging to Gon based on how useful he saw himself. Back then, when Bisky pointed out that he was putting Gon in danger, he decided that he had to leave. So, when his brother uses Nanika to put Alluka in danger, Killua decides Nanika has to leave. For a little while, Illumi becomes unconquerable again, and Killua regresses back into running away.

Nanika

This is where I leave you with this post to read as the conclusion. The readmore is actually pretty relevant, whereas it wasn't when I was answering the anon. Underwhelming, I know. Whatever man.

I really am sorry for how long it is. Tumblr yelled at me 5 times about the image limit, I had to improvise. Being super succinct without leaving out everything I want to say is a skill I do not have. Regardless, thanks for reading and hopefully this was at least a little interesting!

#hunter x hunter #killua zoldyck #hxh #heliichats #alluka zoldyck #killugon

57 notes · View notes