#this is one of the main reasons i was scared to get diagnosed

[autismcultureis]

autistic teen girl culture is your parents just thinking youre "picky" and "moody" all the time

!!!!!

[serxinns]

Hi so I have another yandere platonic class 1-a request again if that’s okay

So if Izuku has a cousin(female reader) who has pica (it’s a eating disorder which a person eats things not usually considered food) and she would eat easer shavings because her mother would just ignored her when she was a child and when she was in middle school she ran away to Izuku’s house but never really told anyone about what was happening. So here’s a scenario of Izuku and some of class 1-a walks into a her room and sees her eating some eraser shavings

How would they react? ((I hope this is okay)

(THE FACT THAT I HAVE PICA AS WELL AHHHHH THIS IS GONNA BE SO GOOD )

• You had this habit for as long as you remember, you always ate things that weren't food or even edible, the main reason is that your mother was always neglectful to bringing in men and just told you to go in your room and play with your toys without any food, at times you even had to sneak out the house and go to your aunty Inko house with your cousin izuku, Inko knew about your situation and took care of you like you were her child

• "Izuku dear your cousin is here!" Inko's mom called not even 3 seconds you heard little footsteps stomping and excited giggling getting louder "Y/N Y/N! YOU'RE HERE" Izuku ran up and tackled you with a hug, 2 of you were on the ground and started giggling "I bought my super cool Remote control robot with me we can pretend this is the villain and we're the heroes!" The green boy was amazed at the idea and the two of you ran off while Inko giggled to herself

•The 1st person to notice that you had pica was your auntie Inko she noticed how you were always chewing on things like scissors, dirt, or even paper at 1st she thought it was because you were just a child with a big appetite but even when you were full you still went back to this behavior so when she took you to the quirk doctor about this behavior after a few test you were diagnosed with pica so then on after your mother abandoned you with one of the playboys she started taking care of you and izuku

• one-day Bakugo was picking on you for this calling you a dirt eater and picking up worms "Come on Sissy eat it you like eating dirt so much eat it" mocking you to eat them but you used his quirk to make him fly back and the two of you gone at it punching, pulling, biting while the other kids were cheering on but izuku was worried so he tried to run over but was too scared to get hurt as well so he got into and Mitsuki, Both women ran over and broke you two apart while into was checking on ur bruises and scratches mitsuki grabbed katsuki and put him on his him while he struggled and kicked and yelled insults "Inko I am so so so sorry for my son's horrible behavior ill make sure he learns a lesson" Mitsuki bowed her head in front of inko "I'm sorry too ill make sure ill talk with this young lady here the 2 of you had a stern talk about it but you got some ice cream and izuku kiss your boo-boos and helped with putting on all might banaids

Years passed and now you were in Ua your cousin was more protective than you ever, since that incident he swore to always protect you and never leave you behind he worked extra hard when all might training him not only to become a number one hero but to protect you and to be heroes together! Whenever someone looked at you funny he gives them a deadly glare and they'll back off immediately you were there when he was down and he was gonna repay you back he always made you hold hands or be by you to remind you that he should be your only friend

While you were talking to your cousin while chewing on an eraser and your cousin ranting about all might and his notebook going to your next period. A short punk -haired girl stopped in front of the two of you she smiled at you while the both of you looked confused and Izuku looked tab annoyed "Uhh who are you-" "Hello! I'm Mina! Mina Ashido Are you two twins!?" She said observing you two looking at each other "Actually we're cousins!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! Mina sheepishly said while rubbing the back of her head "It's fine we get that a lot! It's normal for us plus we act like brother and sister!" You playfully hit Izuku in the shoulders while he playfully glared at you "Anyways! Me and my friends were talking alot about you and we wanted to invite you to hang out with us!" You were flattered and blushed at her comment "uh yeah I can join! Is that's ok izuku" Izuku wanted to protest but with the look of excitement on your face he didn't want you to hate him and see him as a bad brother cousin so he mentally rolled his eyes and said "yea plus it can be like a girls day for you!"

Time skip to lunch

• the two of you were walking into class when a short brown head girl waved her hand signaling you both to join her you both walked over and sat down "Hey izuku and you must be?" "Y/n, y/n Midoriya!" You introduce yourself making the girl brighten up "Ah how nice! You look so adorable!" You blushed embarrassingly at that comment "Ah stop it you're making me blush! You were soon introduced to iida and Tsuyu then Todoroki and all started chatting happily

•you were soon Introduce with kirishima, tokoyami, a silly goofball denki, Sero, hakagure, Aoyama and more and started to make a bond with them even amends with bakugo (kinda)

•you mostly hang out with the dekusquad but the bakusquad would always try to invite you in any way they can which starts a war

•the girls would always have slumber parties or tea parties and if you weren't interested in those chaotic board games where you mostly won

•the boys would try and team up with each other like Bakugo and Kirishima Denki and Sero would invite you to laser tag fighting over who would win the most points for you to get a prize or Izuku, shoto and iida would take you out on to the mall and spoil you

• one-day Tokoyami was looking for you because you promised you would read his poems so when he went into your room he saw you chewing on some paper you explained why you have this habit and you had it when you were 4 which he completely understood heck dark shadow started to eat paper (like cookie monster eating s cookie) you couldn't stop laughing when tokoyami tried to take the paper out his mouth

•Koda would watch you making sure you won't try to eat the grass and try to make you eat delicious berries and edible plants

•Sato pack some pastries for you whenever you felt like wanting to chew on something not edible

•bakugo would just smack whenever your chewing on telling you that's disgusting while giving you your favorite snackyou liked as kids saying "chew this shit instead of erasers dumbass!"

•Izuku would pack gum for you in case you fly in the urge to want to chew on your eraser if he runs out he lets you chew on his pencils or ask Aoyama to give you some cheese

•you and kiri literally are twins chewing your erasers is your favorite habit

•Momo would gently let you know how ite unhealthy to chew on thing and blah blah blah while your just over here chewing off your finger nail which she also has to stop you

• Ochaco will let you try and stop yourself from chewing on your hair desperately giving you one-dollar snacks to eat

It didn't matter how werid you thought you were since you will always be their "werid" little sis and if any judge you otherwise they'll be meeting with 18 angry siblings and one cousin ready to break some bones instead of his

[chronicbeans]

Just Stuff About Wally's Voice Actor in my Story (I saw someone say they were starting to like them so I decided to write this)

I kinda dropped a bucket of paint on their head so here's my apology for their new concussion/other possible damage. Get well soon, Wally VA!

🎙️ If people haven't noticed, already, I have written it so that most characters are gender neutral and don't have names. That's because I like to give the reader as much imagination as they want when it comes to stories about pre-existing fandoms, plus characters like puppeteers, producers and such might be introduced into the cannon story. I figured it would make sense to keep them as kinda mysterious figures. So, everything in this post is just for my little story I have going on and how I imagine them. Two main things are that, in story, I am always going to try to keep them nameless and genderless, just because I feel that is the most interesting part of their mystery, but this post will be what I imagine when I write. If you want me to use this specific version of them, just let me know by referring to Wally's voice actor by the name I use in this post. OwO

🎙️ Some basic information is that Wally's voice actor is a man named Caesar Jones. He's in his late middle ages and has two kids. He has arthritis, although, the doctor's haven't figured out exactly what type it is, yet. His wife divorced and left the family on good terms, and they still keep in contact.

🎙️ He is very protective over Wally because they created him. He is scared that, once someone else is puppeteering Wally and (eventually) voicing him, the character of Wally will change and become unrecognizable to him. No one knows Wally better than his creator. At least, that's what Caesar thinks. It's actually the only reason why he doesn't like the reader in the story.

🎙️ He is a smoker, but makes sure to always go outside to smoke. Even when he is in an area that allows him to smoke inside, he goes outside. He has even gone outside in borderline blizzard conditions. Ever since he had his two kids, he makes sure to keep them safe. What started the habit of him going outside was when one of his kids started coughing from the smoke.

🎙️ He uses a wheelchair when at home. He doesn't need it all the time, but he uses it at home so he can give his knees and ankles a break after work. He bought it with his own money, as a "self-birthday-gift", AKA he bought himself a gift for his birthday. He also believes it will help slow down any joint damage he might have from his arthritis. A part of the reason for the contract the boss made between Caesar and the reader, the one that keeps them both updated on the other's health in emergencies, is that Caesar will stay home on days where his pain is especially bad. So, in those cases, he sometimes has the reader visit his house to rehearse for episode recordings.

🎙️ He doesn't know it, but he actually has a mixture of both arthritis and carpal tunnel in both wrists. He got diagnosed with arthritis and just assumes that the numbness and carpal tunnel symptoms are from the arthritis.

🎙️ Some aspects of himself have made it into Wally. For one, both Wally and Caesar have a deep desire to preserve the wonder and imagination of children. Caesar believes that wonder is what makes a person special, because it fuels the imagination. Nobody really imagines things the same way, right? Wally believes that, too.

🎙️ Caesar is interested in cults, especially religious ones. He, himself, is religious. He isn't extremely so, only really doing the bare minimum of his religion's practices, which is exactly why these cults intrigue him. He couldn't imagine bringing any of his beliefs to such a severe degree. The thought scares him. Wally, in a way, also has that trait. Except Wally is more like a little cultist, himself! With no knowledge on what a 'religion' is, though, he has unknowingly turned to you as the core of his belief. All of the obsessive, worshipping, and overall cult like behavior that Caesar researched about went straight into Wally.

🎙️ He is actually a very progressive person for his time. He doesn't care what gender or sexuality identify as, nor does he care about your racial background. As long as you respect him, he will respect you. If you interest him and he wants to get to know you better, he will approach and talk to you. It is all the same to him. People are people.

🎙️ He's a hard cookie to kill, so he probably survived that paint can. I always imagined that it hit the back of his head, which is where the part of the brain that controls sight is. He probably has some damage there, which can cause hallucinations.

[xplrvibes]

I’m kind of annoyed I know I shouldn’t but SnC could have traveled this month in Asia , Europe or whatever destinations they’re going too , we could also had some content video but instead they decide to stay in vegas for K and M ://… unless SnC are waiting until April for Coachella which I’m not surprised but still meh….😕

Alright, let it be known for the record that I do not condone leaking xplrclub information at will.

But I think some things need to be set straight, here.

Not everything snc have been doing as far as their travel is concerned is about the girls.

Colby has had two health scares arise since January; both of which required a lot of testing and doctor's appointments. One occurred in January; the other occurred days before they left for Australia and was only just resolved within this last week.

He is ok - still cancer free and was not diagnosed with anything serious. But he had to deal with quite a bit as it pertains to his health recently - as anyone who battled cancer has to do.

He is also in the process of switching his oncologist to one in LA, and will be back there in a few weeks to meet with them and begin his quarterly scans and testing with them. So, when they pop up in LA in two weeks and everyone gets all pissed off because, "All they do is hang out with those girls," PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS MAN HAS OTHER SHIT GOING ON. His life isn't just fucking and ignoring the internet and his youtube career so he can act like some hedonistic fucking frat bro like some of you seem to think. There is other, way more important shit at play here.

Also, for anyone wondering - the main reason they went to LA after Australia, besides meetings with their teams and filming the podcasts they appeared on, was to meet with a real estate agent so they could buy more property. AGAIN, Colby's oncologist team is now based in LA. He will need to be back and forth for his health quite a bit. So, buying a property so they don't always have to rent air bnb's every time they need to be in town for either medical, business or personal reasons is really probably a smart move.

I need everyone to remember that they do not have a huge team behind them. They have an editing team of THREE (one of the three being Colby), they have ONE producer, and them. That's really it. They have a management team for high business matters, but even then, snc are heavily involved in that. There are not enough hours in the day for them to smash content out the way everyone seems to want them to do, unless they give up all control of their editing and business to focus solely on filming the content - and the last time they tried that route was 25x25, which is not something I'd call a rousing success.

And even if they are taking some time off to hang out with their girlfriends - are they supposed to be working 24/7? Is anyone on this planet supposed to be working 24/7? No. Everyone deserves some down time. Even filthy rich youtubers.

They cannot do it all. And expecting them to give up their personal lives to give everyone more content when they not only deserve personal lives, but also have way more important shit going on in their lives, is just unfair to them.

[borderline-culture-is]

Hi, this is a long ask. I am not diagnosed with anything, but Ive been thinking that I might have bpd. I started self harming at 9 yo, and was given ssri and antipsychotics to treat the symptoms, because i was too young to be diagnosed. Three years ago I moved countries, and I was so stressed that I literally ragequit talking all my medications, because I couldn’t sustain importing it from my country. Follow two horrible years of withdrawal, where I kept having derealization episodes, panic attacks, delusions followed by crying spells that lasted for hours, inability to maintain any relationships at all, I was incredibly angry and abusive to my mother, all that fun stuff. For the first year I refused to get any therapy because I thought they didn’t care about me and didn't want to settle for that, and the second year I was so crushed that if a fucking rock would listen (metaphorically), I would break down to it. Still not getting much support atm because being underage in an unfamiliar system makes it really hard to know what to do.

I only shook out of this state in the beginning of this school year, when my teacher called the cops on me for self-harming. I started working on regulating my emotions, meditating, and just accepting that I am the weird one for feeling this way and learning not to blame or burden other people. I also started noticing that my whole live ive only had FPs, and not a lot of genuine close relationships (I feel like I depend on them for my satisfaction, always feel betrayed for not being closer, but also feeling hesitant to even call them a friend). Before I kinda just assumed that everyone felt the same way, and that I was pathetic for feeling dependent and lonely. I also noticed that I have horrible episodic memory loss, I have to exclusively rely on other people or recorded evidence to shape any perception of my past.

I think, to an extent, my other traits have cancelled out some of my symptoms: I never lashed out or argued with my classmates because I was too scared that they would leave me, so instead I forced myself to act in the most mild way possible; I do have black and white thinking towards new people, but I make myself ignore it because I understand that it is my fault and I am being unreasonable; I never acted impulsively because I was too depressed or too scared to be proactive in any way at all.

My biggest issue with self-diagnosing is that I have never had any traumatic experiences. I come from a caring family, and, although I still blame my mom for feeling unfulfilled and neglected, there isn’t anything my parents really did wrong. She did as much as she could and I feel guilty for resenting her. I don’t remember any of my childhood, but it is completely reasonable to assume that nothing ever happened that would count as traumatic.

My point is, I have already either developed some coping mechanisms, or have come to accept that I will always feel misunderstood and unhappy. Even if I do have some kind of a disorder, I am unsure whether I should even try to get diagnosed in the first place. If I do, this would mean that my whole life is thrown out of the window with a diagnosis like that on my medical chart. It would negatively impact my human rights, my employability, my independence, all those things I really can’t afford to compromise, being an immigrant and trans. But at the same time, I just really want to find out what the hell is wrong with me, to feel understood and to have some support on how to live a normal life.

Yeah I guess the main purpose of this ask is to vent to someone who understands, and to ask for your opinion and advice on whether you think I have a disorder and if I should attempt to get it diagnosed.

--☀️🎣anon

okay. even if you dont think you have any trauma, theres still a lot of factors that could contribute to it. i think its also worth mentioning that you said you cant really remember your childhood, so it does leave some room for trauma that you either may not remember or just might not see as traumatic. and i also think that feeling neglected as a kid could do some damage, even if its unintentional. sometimes parents hurt their kids without realizing, and it doesnt invalidate the way that you feel about it!!

as for diagnosis, i think its okay for you to self-diagnose, as there are a lot of difficulties and struggles that comes with being diagnosed. i think it really depends on whether or not you personally see it as worth all of the potential trouble that it can bring. i do think that your symptoms are valid, and i can see a lot of hem as lining up with BPD. if you're really doubting, i dont think downloading a copy of the DSM-5 would be a bad idea, since it's what professionals usually reference from anyway.

regardless of whether or not you choose to get diagnosed, you and your struggles are valid!!! as someone who has also experienced BPD symptoms since we were young, we definitely feel for you. if you definitely think you are borderline, then i believe you are valid as long as you dont mean any harm, and i am pretty sure that you dont :]. we genuninely wish for the best for you, and we hope that your situation and overall well-being gets better soon 🫶 (/p)

- oliver

[spitinsideme]

In that one post you talked a lot about hands and stuff. I kind of like hands. I think they're pretty great, but for different reasons from what you listed. You seem to know a lot about kinks, so if you don't mind could you do like a reverse diagnoses and try to tell me why Im like this, or what it means? Here are my... symptoms? kink symptoms? I like soft effeminate hands. Rough manly hands are a no-go for me. Also not into penetration. The idea of doing it to someone or having it done to me is scary, but there is something about the sensation of being touched by soft woman hands that gives me butterflies, and the idea of getting to touch soft woman body is exciting. I get that people like things for different reasons, but I don't know what kind of stuff would influence me to have these attractions. Is there any general explanation for what kind of stuff leads to these feelings?

Idk if my gender matters but Im a girl.

(Sorry this turned out longer than I thought it would be. I hope you don't mind me asking about this.) 😖

never evrr ap9ligise for sending me questions about kinks in my inbox do you knlw how little i get nto talk about kinks ? this is literally paradise to me i LOVE talkig to peopoe about kinks and having them ask me questions about kinks this is amazing i love yoi for thos and i will do my very best to .. diagose you ?? i guess. BE WARNED !!! i am going to analyse you a bit, i am going to say shit based on what i thibk personally from the peoppe i have met and youknow the things i know. i coukd be COMPLELTY wrong, but nevertheless, i hope you enjoy and find entertainment in me trying my besy to find out your lore like youre a silly characyter in a dhow or soemthint, have a laugh about it !

fron what i can tell based on what you said, you kind of do fit under the category of things i was talking ahout in my other post about hand kinks, but you fit into like the opposite. the exaft same way women like veiny and rough hands because theyre masculine, you like soft hands becaude thet are feminine ! youre into girls, abd im guessing you are more into feminine women ? honestly there is literally no reason for this except its just your type, you like women so obviously you are going to lije softer hands because they are feminine, isnt that complex ahout it !

you seem to valur touch a lot too, so im guessing youre probbaly a bit touch starved for it but im not here to talk aboit your issues ! one of the reasons you lije hands falls under the "what i can do to them" category of attraction, becaude you see them and yoir first thoufh (fron what you said) is that you want to feel them and not that theyre pretty, whoch honestly links back to that touch starved thing and probbaly i think your love language is physical touch ! a theory of mine is that people with things for hands are actually the sort of peoole who wnat yo be touched more, it usually isnt even sexual but can be (like you said) just wanting to feel someone close to you and feel them there with you. idontknow, im goig to analyee that a bit more sorry if im going off topic about the kinks but im treating this like a "whats your lore" game and seeing what i can get righr ir not

i think you are scared of people leaving you and not being there, whixh is why you value feeling the warmth of someone else with you there so much. it just stood out to me how you didnt say "tbeyre pretty" but that you wanted to touch them, havibg soneone physixally there with you and touxhibg them maybe calms you down and comforts you because youre scared or them leaving, youre probbaly a bit lonely, reallly desperatr for physixal affectiion

back to kinks, youre just into women honestly, i meanx you see hands and one of yoir main thoughts is "god, i want to touch her body" ? yeah, thats just gay. youre a lady whos into other ladies there really is no other complex explanation for that. what you have told me is really jsut common mostly everyone whos into girls feels. going to that "not into penetration" thing, honestly thats probbaly just a preference you have. some peooe dont like penetrations and thats complelty normal i dont think it really has anything to do with your hand kink. a lot of women ive met who arent into penetration because of fear is usually because of guilt or shame at having sexual feelings, and especially acting upon them. i dont think you have that though, you talk about wanting ajd thinking about touching womebs bodies pretty happily, so i honestly think that your no penetration thing is just somethinf you dont like.

in conclusion, i diagnose you with sapphic yearning and lady loving, with a side of touch starved and fear of abandonment and love language physical affection. i dont think what you have couod he considered a hand kink becaude you dont seem .. sexually attracyed to hands ? you just seem to like them a normal amount and just wanting to touch them and then going straugjt to thinking about how the body feels, but im just going basrd off what you have told me here . normal symptoms, you are fine and that is a complelty normal way to feel

[wild-moss-art]

hi moss! I hope you are having a good day!! I was wondering if you were willing to share how you convinced a doctor to yeet the uterus :O are you scared about having a major surgery? (I am, as always, having The Thoughts.)

<3 I hope you're having a good day too! It is a long story and kind of personal but I'm happy to share bc I know that it's really difficult to find info on, and if anyone has questions you can feel free to dm or send an ask. Gonna put the story under the cut.

First of all, I live in america and this will all sound very american lol.

In the interest of not burying the lede, my working theory is that I have endometriosis or adenomyosis; these are notoriously difficult to diagnose. Endometriosis is only diagnosable through a laparoscopic surgery and adenomyosis is literally only diagnosable through getting a hysterectomy and having the tissue biopsied. If you don't want a hysterectomy, you can't get an official diagnosis.

Now to the backstory. I think my medical history and experience advocating for myself medically had the most impact on being approved for this procedure.

I have been on hormonal birth control since I was about 13 or 14 practically as soon as I hit puberty I had debilitating periods. I was missing a lot of school and obviously this didn't look good for my parents, so I was put on the pill, and later when I was older I switched to IUDs. The birth control basically put a bandaid on the problem, and the IUD eliminated my period altogether.

Near the beginning of this year, I started to have a lot of pelvic pain that I initially thought was a UTI. I went to the doctor who kept telling me I didn't have the bacteria for a UTI, and basically sent me home with some antibiotics anyway, which didn't help. They did not test for any other problems. I ended up switching doctors due to insurance purposes, but was also put off by the care I'd received.

When I went to the next doctor, they were actually willing to run tests. This doctor and every other doctor I've seen since initially insisted I must have an STD. A panel was run, and I was fully clean for STDs. I was referred to a urogynecology specialist, as my main symptoms at this point were pain(which they do not care about- didnt even put it in my file) and difficulty urinating(this symptom I believe is the only reason I was able to get a referral to a specialist).

While I was waiting for my urogynecology appointment(they were pretty booked out), the pain got worse, like a lot worse. I was also having more and more hormonal symptoms like heavy acne. I was able to move my appointment up but ended up going to the ER. At the ER, I posted about my experience which I can link if you'd like but I'll include the relevant info. The doctor hadn't looked at my age on the file and initially DENIED testing because I was "too young". He came back later and approved it, because he actually looked at my fucking file. From this point on I've been livid and ready to fistfight every doctor Ive seen.

I was at the ER for like 10 hours and got a CT scan, which showed all the inflammation in my uterus and little in my bladder, which was when I began to realize that the bladder issue was just a symptom and not the problem. The original doctor was off duty toward the end of my visit, and the new doctor came in for briefing when she mentioned they needed to run an STD panel. I told her I'd had one about a week ago that was fully negative. She said "I need to go talk to my supervisor."

Ultimately, I was released from the ER with a prescription for extra strength ibuprofen and a referral to a gynecologist. They said my IUD was stabbing me internally, and needed to come out. They did not take it out at the ER.

At this point, it was time for my urogynecology appointment. At the appointment, I told them about my ER visit and asked if they could take my IUD out. They said they didn't really do that there, but after I showed them my CT scan results, they did it anyway. I felt a lot better, immediately. They were helpful and awesome, but said that they mostly treat bladder problems, which was clearly not what I had.

I didnt feel fully better though, because hormonal birth control keeps endometriosis and adenomyosis symptoms and pain at bay. The pain has gotten gradually worse, but it's not longer quite as sharp and stabbing. I've been doing a lot of research about these conditions thanks to a helpful tumblr mutual, and I believe I have adenomysis. I'm not sure whether I have endometriosis.

I followed up on the gynecology referral from the er; I am really happy with this clinic so far. They are the ones that offered the hysterectomy. In my initial appointment, I mentioned that I was not on birth control and wanted to be sterilized. They asked if I wanted birth control in the meantime. I said no(I believe this helped).

(as an aside. Another reason I believe I was offered what I was is that I am married. When I listed my partner as an emergency contact, they specifically mentioned that I did not take his last name. I believe this says something about our relationship to doctors. I know often they will ask for the husband's permission in this scenario; however, they did not even bring him up beyond the last name thing.)

When I met with the doctor for a tubal ligation consult, we talked a bit about the procedure and what other symptoms I was having. I also got an ultrasound that showed inflammation in my uterus(as well as a medium sized cyst on my ovary. lmao). He said the tubal ligation would not help my other symptoms. When I mentioned my CT scan, he actually left to go look at it, returned and immediately asked if I wanted kids. When I said no, he told me he could give me a hysterectomy.

We went over some details; just a hysterectomy is a pretty non invasive procedure and doesn't even require an incision. He mentioned that it may or may not fix the whole problem(it would fix adenomyosis which only affects the uterus, not endometriosis which affects other organs) but that it's pretty complicated to remove the ovaries because it's a more invasive procedure and basically I'd have to be on hormones to simulate menopause for a really long time(I'm only 27). So that is an option, but it's better to just see if the hysterectomy fixes my problems.

The surgery is in 10 days from now and I have my intake consult on tuesday. I plan to update cause again, I know not a lot of people talk about these experiences and it would have really helped me to have known more going in. I really cant wait, I've basically been bedridden, cant exercise, can't stand for long periods of time, not much at all. I'm lucky my livelihood is sitting on my couch drawing.

Finally, I believe that it is possible that they wanted to sterilize me due to my mental health history. I am in ongoing treatment for my mental health, and have particular diagnoses that I do not disclose publicly. You can message me if you'd like to know this information.

[forevermore-quoth-the-kitten]

Random Obey Me Headcannons I Have, But They’re Out of Context

Levi is banned from all karaoke and singing anything throughout the devildom.

Mammon is banned from a lot of Devildom gameshows.

If you want to check if your jewelry is real or how much it’s worth, you go to Mammon.

Lucifer was an alchoholic.

Belphie has two very different reputations throughout the devildom, one as The Lord of Dreams, the other as The Master of Nightmares. On one hand he’s as harmless as a demon lord can get, on the other hand he’s more terrifying than Lucifer.

Beel is head of the royal guard and is a beast during training, but no one is scared of him.

Levi acts very different than his usual self and is more like Lucifer, but only when he’s in uniform/working/on a ship.

Levi is the best strategist among the brothers, even better than Satan or Lucifer.

Very few know about mammon’s job and even fewer know what it entails, but him and his team are some of the most important in the devildom.

Asmo and some of his close companions and followers basically work for/with Satan.

Mammon is the singular reason the brothers didn’t completely break and fall apart after the war ended and they fell.

Mammon often gets pulled into a sectretary-like job by the royal treasurer.

No one is actually sure what Lucifer’s sexual orientation is, but its a running joke for people to wish him a happy pride.

Everyone is the devildom knows that if you’re in trouble at pride, you find Beel or Diavolo first, any of the other brothers or staff second.

Mammon has ADHD, Lucifer and Satan both have ADHD-i (previously known as ADD), they were born/created with these. (Both Michael and Raphael have autism). None of them are diagnosed. (Thanks to grannys-things, I learned new lore about ADHD vs ADD and was able to change this to be more accurate!)

Asmo is OCD, Levi has Social Anxiety and Panic Attacks, Belphie has Major Depression, and Beel has an eating disorder, they developed these after the war and have varying levels of control over the conditions.

Barbatos has Musophobia, it was something he developed after seeing something in the human realm’s future that was unavoidable.

Asmo and Levi go to the Devildom Comicon every year together in full cosplay, a different one for each day.

All Demons have Polyamorous Tendencies, and as royalty Diavolo is sort of expected to have a harem, but he doesn’t care for one. In contrast, Solomon used to have one when he was a young wise king and joking calls his pact demons his harem sometimes.

Belphie has a lot of knowledge about human myths and legends, only Satan ever hears about that though.

Beel has anger issues outside of his hangry fits, he only got them after Lilith died and Satan helped him get them under control.

Barbatos uses his powers sometimes for his own vacations while he’s still working, taking a few months to a decade in the human world for himself.

He and Simeon are quite close and it’s why Simeon was chosen for the exchange program, he’s Simeon’s main informant and proof reader for his series.

Satan has the nickname ‘TanTan’ and only one person has ever called him that and remains the only person allowed to use that name.

There’s more, but that’s it for now! It’s pretty Brother centered, but i’ll do another one with more with other characters! and if you want explainations or have ideas about certain headcannons, drop me an ask or leave a comment and I'll give it context. (All explained headcannons will be linked back to the masterlist, fyi.)

[sammywammyidk]

TW: SLIGHTLY / NOT SO SLIGHTLY SEXUAL TOPICS (asexuality and the opposite of it)

ALSO, MANY PARAGRAPHS OF TEXT (RANTS)

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

This is a very personal topic for me, but I really need advice.

Im so confused. I am currently having a crisis about sexual attraction.

One of my friends brought up asexuality and how I fit the description of it. I have thought about it before and deduced that, no, I am not asexual because there are some sexual things I enjoy reading.

But I looked more into it, and I realized that I felt very uncomfortable after reading those type of things and even watching things like them.

I also realized that body types don't really seem attractive to me, I just enjoy people's company. That's the main reason why I am with my partners because they make me happy and I make them happy via good personalities.

But even though I make jokes about my friend and partners bodies (everyone in my friend group is comfortable with it, dont worry -they make the same jokes), it never feels right. It's funny, yeah, but I don't relate to those jokes.

I do like romantic stuff, that I know for sure. I enjoy kissing and affection and hugs and those of the like.

A few days ago, I realized that I don't think that I am sexually attracted to men, but women are fine. But now I'm not too sure about that.

However, the thing that is throwing me off is that some, well, kinky stuff is enjoyable to me. I think.

My ex partner once told me that because of the "I enjoy some kinky and bdsm stuff" that I am not asexual. But I really don't know at this point.

I'm confused, and I'm scared to bring this up to my friends or close family or even my partners because this is such a taboo topic. I have a constant fear of disappointing others (haha, anxiety yippee!) so that's why I'm going to tumblr. Tumblr is safe. Please, I am so confused. Reblog or comment and help me solve this and get answers.

So, am I asexual?

There are some other things I am confused about as well (regarding ADHD and how I show signs of it, but I'm unsure if I have it and don't want to self diagnose), but this post is already long enough.

Once again, please give advice. I want this to be a friendly discussion or debate without any heat or arguments. Reblog or comment, anything really.

Thanks,

Sam.

[sherlock-is-ace]

So sorry I keep bringing this up but I just watched a video about autism in women (i guess in afabs but the lady was a woman) and my life has just changed!

Like my main reason to think that maybe I'm not autistic is that I thought I was ok at reading people. One of The autistic traits is not being able to read people's facial expressions and body language and whatnot, and I thought I could. But like this woman was saying that she thought so too but the doctor who diagnosed her pointed out that she in fact can't because she always thinks people hate her...

And that's literally me?!?! I thought it was an anxiety thing (which I guess it is in part) but also if I read every social interaction as "they hate me" it means I am not in fact good at interpreting that... (or everyone truly hates me lol) I thought I was just meant to be confused, I thought I was just meant to come out of a social situation thinking "huh i could not tell what that person was feeling" but I guess my brain was working really hard on something it cannot do well and coming up with the same answer every time?

I'm not very sure of anything and I am very scared that I may offend someone by misinterpreting what autism is, and how dare i say i'm autistic. I really want to go see a doctor and get an actual diagnosis for whatever is going on with my brain. So I'm not claiming shit, just wanted to make that clear

[onmyownside1]

How Angel’s World has Affected Her Life

So I told you about Angels world. Very strict, very bland, very uniform. Now, (enter Angel)

ADHD

Angel was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 11, and has been on medication for it since. Since her world is so strict on neurodivergent people, she rarely had med breaks, and if she does take them it’s usually over long weekends (ie winter break, summer, etc) so that no one notices she’s taking them. Her parents are pretty strict about this, but it’s mainly out of love. If they see she’s having trouble paying attention or she starts fidgeting they urge her to stop because someone might suspect that she’s not taking her meds as regularly as she should, which could land her in quite a bit of trouble. She was mainly fine with it until she took her first break at 12 out of curiosity. The freedom to just be was just so short lived, and she began to wonder how many other people went through the same thing - forever suppressing the way they are to fit the mold of her world. After that she hated taking them. This experience led to many other shenanigans later on.

Growing Up/Home Life

Angel had always been a bit of an handful. She couldn’t pay attention and would forget everything and bounced off the walls (ADHD poster child y’know?). Her parents didn’t even take her out very often because they were scared people would look at her strange. The last thing they needed was trouble from the government about getting their kid in check. Because of this she didn’t have many friends growing up. Every time a complaint was sent home about her behavior her parents would chalk it up to her just being a kid. But after a while that excuse just didn’t work. In time, they took her to the doctor, and the rest is history. Her parents are relatively laid back, but she always manages to break the few rules that are put in place somehow. She’ll stay out late all the time, and she always pays the price (but she always does it anyway).

School Life

Angel hates school with a burning passion. The only reason she gets decent grades is because she know she’ll get in trouble otherwise. She has to put everything into listening to her teachers and not listening to her noisy classmates, or the guy mowing the grass outside, or the girls whispering behind her about her outfit for the nth time this week. In true Peter Parker fashion, she has bullies. (This is where the colors come in, pay attention). Angel dresses very kidcore. You’ll see her walking around school with 500 rubber band bracelets and her hair in pigtails, sporting those light up sketchers or some wheelies (which are technically banned, but who has to know?). Why? Because it’s fun! Angel is all about the bright colors and clicky beads. This is the main reason for her getting bullied though. A group of girls have made a page based on making fun of what she’s wearing that day, and pick on any mannerism that they can. They always make sure to do it in public too (ie the cafeteria, in the hallway, at dismissal). Eventually, she learned to make a game out of the outfit page by posing for the photos, so they stopped doing that after a while. Of course sometimes it gets to be too much, and she takes refuge at home or with Jordan. (After she joined the society she would come to Hobie and Diane -the two most brightly colored people she knew. More on that later). ). Her Uncle was actually the one who taught her how to fight, and it ended up coming in handy at school. If any of the bullies ever got physical (usually the boys) she could retaliate. Of course, she has to keep these things under the radar, and the bullies usually try to (because they always end up getting their asses beat)

Hobbies/Talents

Angel had always been a tinkerer. Anything from taking apart pens to see how they work to dismantling calculators and putting them back correctly will do. Because of this she’s in an advanced technology class (remember tech is a core class in her world) and she’s constantly making new gizmos. Her parents and Jordan like to give her things to work with. If she mentions that she’s making something Jordan will probably end up being the supplier. She also does gymnastics. Her parents put her on a team when she was 12 after noticing that she seemed really fond of flipping and cartwheeling and the likes. So what used to give them a heart attack became a form of energy expenditure in a controlled environment and all was well. (Her skills came in handy when she became Arachne too, so it’s a win-win really.)

Ummmmmm that’s all I have right now so yeah

I haven’t done my research yet, so the ADHD bits are based on my limited knowledge. If any corrections need to be made (or if I said something wrong) please let me know!!!!!

[walleyedfoca]

Not gonna lie. The ol' mental health has taken a little bit of a nosedive lately.

Septembers are... bad for me. Since I can't remember the exact date, the whole month acts as a bit of an anniversary to me developing an illness that has drastically altered my life. It's not necessarily life threatening or anything, but man... it sucks big time.

Basically, when I was twelve, I jumped out of a tree and hurt my right foot a little bit. I was more embarrassed than hurt and ended up just walking it off... not knowing that something had gone catastrophically wrong.

So... that small injury caused me to develop an illness (disease? disorder? condition? nobody seems to know what to refer to this fucking thing as) called CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome / Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy).

What does that mean?

That means that my dumb brain sometimes thinks I'm on fire. Or that I've severed a finger. Or are currently being flayed alive.

In other words, my nervous system/pain receptors don't work right and I get "flares" of intense pain on a regular basis, even without injury. Explaining all my symptoms is lengthy and quite frankly, very draining as I've spent too much of my life having to educate people on my illness. Feel free to google CRPS if you're curious.

Once I was finally diagnosed with CRPS, my doctors hoped that it would go away within five years. At the time, that seemed like such an astronomically long time for little pre-teen me...

That was twenty-four years ago.

Two-thirds of my life.

Still sick.

Yeah, turns out it might be incurable.

Like, it is what it is. I'm surviving. Not necessarily thriving... but I'm still here.

It's something.

Guess I just needed to vent about it. The realization that it has been two-thirds of my life was mainly what took a toll on me this month. Plus, I've been having more flare ups than normal lately. Gonna blame that on stress and the weather.

And yeah, this is one of the main reasons my fic has been seeing slower updates the past few months. I'm used to powering through pain but the chronic exhaustion and mental fog have been kicking my ass lately.

Kind of a funny side effect of having an illness like this is that I don't really know how much things are supposed to hurt now? Like, all of my injuries are agonizingly painful... but it's now my only frame of reference and I'm used to it?

Couple years back I didn't realize I had a dislocated shoulder for two whole days until I popped that sucker back in myself while lifting it with the other arm to stretch it. Thought I just had muscle weakness from heat exhaustion. Whoops!

Also had a botched CT scan once where all the liquid got injected into the muscle in my arm and I guess it was supposed to be a bad burning sensation if that happened but like... my arm already kinda felt like that so I didn't even notice. Scared the nurses pretty good lol.

Hmm... same arm. Ol' lefty is a little unlucky.

But yeah... the struggle is real and I'm trying to not beat myself up about slow updates and taking days or weeks off from writing. The fic will get done eventually.

And like... I'm gonna be fine.

I know CRPS has a scary nickname that I will not be repeating here, but I've survived this long. So please... don't worry about THAT.

If you have like, questions or whatever, maybe direct them to my @tyanis account as I'm rarely on this one. I still may not answer much, but still.

[barelyfunctioning-amber]

??Introduction:??

(This user used to be @/am-in-recovery)

Welcome to my disability blog! My name is Am/Amber. I am 20 years old. I use any pronouns and I also use neopronouns (use she/they/it if confused). I am genderfluid, bisexual and polyamorous. I hoard genders and pronouns. My main tumblr account is @flyabovebutterfly and on that account I don't talk about my problems and such because the blog isn't focused on that. This blog, on the other hand, is focused on exactly that.

I have a wonderful partner named Dustin/Snowy, and I'd appreciate it if everyone not send me weird asks if I don't know you personally.

Here I will mostly mention my daily life with:

-severe misophonia,

-low to middle support needs autism {special interests include anime, littlest pet shop, the sea, animal jam, game of thrones, disability and cyber security!},

-problems sleeping and insomnia,

-seasonal depression,

-anxiety (GAD, social anxiety),

-slowly developing agoraphobia,

-problems with memory from unknown cause,

-dissasociation that is trauma caused [Please I ask to not ask me about it as it can trigger bad episodes and send me back to a place I don't want to be in /srs],

-maladaptive daydreaming disorder,

-ocd with *actual* intrusive thoughts,

-orthostatic hypotension,

-chronic fatigue (suspected me/cfs),

-gi issues (prof dx functional dyspepsia; ibs and possible ibd, chronic pain),

-balance and coordiantion problems, frequent dizziness, frequent nausea, issues with pre-syncope and syncope (fainting),

-tinnitus (with sounds that trigger my misophonia and sounds that sometimes scare me),

-overactive bladder with suspected bladder pain syndrome,

-prof dx adjustment disorder {MISDIAGNOSIS, do not refer to me as someone with this disorder because I am not! /srs},

-showing symptoms of borderline personality disorder but unsure, very self suspected,

-joint pain and skin issues (gastrointestinal problem-caused),

-and previous cases of COVID, bacterial infections, mononucleosis, anemia due to weak immune system.

I will also write about:

-the world around me, how I see it

-things I like, what makes me happy

ect.

I will always tag triggering topics so no one will have any troubles with this account! /gen

I am physically and mentally disabled and I use a cane to walk, use AAC when speaking difficult, and am a future wheelchair user. I also own crutches that I am currently unable to use.

Speaking is difficult due to verbal shutdowns, being overwhelmed, not having needs met, trauma flashbacks, speech loss, anxiety makes speaking hard, difficulty with explaining and other reasons. This is the reason I start using AAC. I use it because I do need it.

I am chronically ill, neurodivergent, mentally ill, don't have much spoons and I deal with ableism daily. Because most my issues are undiagnosed and self diagnosed due to a lot of reasons, I seek to finally get proper help soon.

BYF:

-I use tone tags, and I appreciate it when others do too.

-I am extremely uncomfortable with NSFW blogs following my main and recovery accounts.

-I will tag with a tw for everything that I or others may find triggering.

-I won't reply to messages saying "self-dx isn't valid or reliable" because I am so done with people invalidating my experiences. While I am going to get professional help this year, I also self diagnose for personal reasons.

-I will not get into any discourse, at all. Please DNI if you're looking for discourse.

-This blog was NOT made to romanticize any mental illness/mental health problem. DNI if you're here with the intention of doing so.

-This blog is my personal experiences, not everyone experiences everything exactly the same.

Thank you for reading this introduction post.

Full introduction:

DNI/BYF:

[potatomountain]

im a writer too and also have several of the same diagnoses as you do. it is not an excuse or a reason to copy someone's work. its low that youd even bring that up. hyperfocusing does not cause someone to copy someone elses work and claim they didnt, and thats speaking from one person who hyper focuses to another because of mental disability. it doesnt sit right with me that youre using that as an excuse instead of admitting you clearly just copied and thought it would be fine.

I honestly don't know what to say?

I admitted that any copying was done unintentionally and tried to explain my thought process behind it and the factors that went into it.

I figured I'd get this reaction, but I still wanted to be clear on my intentions. I deleted the fics, I made an apology, I planned on being more hyper aware of my writings in the future.

My mistake was brought to my attention and fixed with MoC. While I don't fully agree with the ID and HC thing I took the fic down and planned on a major rework eventually.

And I wasn't just saying it's just the hyperfocus that resulted in my thought process, but a combination of things and that just happened to be the main. I hyperfocused on an idea that helped me with my own emotions and ran with it, unawares that it would be consider plagiarism/copying. To me it was no different than using the same trope/setting and I didn't think that constituted copying as there are millions of publicized works that share the same setting/tropes all the time and are not considered plagiarism?

I genuinely worked hard to make ID my own despite the same trope/setting it started with.

And MoC, again I've admitted that is my fault but it was never intentional.

I don't know what more yall want from me? Do you want me to never write again? To claim to be a heartless person that would ACTUALLY COPY ON PURPOSE? Because I'm not. Those fics that inspired me and my own meant a fucking lot to me.

And I'm giving them up entirely because I respected those authors, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I owned up to my mistake, which it was a series of mistakes and lack of understanding on my part and I tried to explain why it was a lack of understanding but apparently the mere fact I can't process shit like a normal person is an excuse? I mentioned it for an understanding but was not, in any way, trying to reflect the blame for my mistake on MoC onto my issues.

I wanted to emphasize that it was still an unintentional mistake and I never meant to hurt the writers.

I only wanted a bit of understanding and forgiveness on my side, not to exclude any actual blame.

If you have the same mental issues or similar, can you imagine the crushing guilt I already feel over the only coping mechanism I had to express myself? I'm debating on giving up my one dream because I'm legit fcking scared to write right now.

And yet despite owning up to my mistake to the best of my abilities- I'm not even owned an ounce of compassion? After trying to right a wrong I did? All because you would rather I be a heartless person who meant to hurt them?

[laure69]

The beginning

TW: Hi I don’t recommend reading this if you are sensitive to the following topics: Dysfunctional eating, Depression/Bipolar depression, abusive, assault, and self-harm

Btw I posted this because if anyone has gone through any of these your not alone :).

July 26, 2022

       Hi, so this was a journal about my depression, anxiety, and whatever else you can imagine. I don’t intend on sharing this however, one day I just might. This is just a little thing for me to write and help get out of my system. But basically, depression for me was just this little brick that was weighing down my shoulders, making me unable to do basic things ex; showering, brushing my teeth, getting out of bed, etc. Thankfully, it didn’t get as bad as were I didn’t shower for days or didn’t brush my teeth for days. It was an occasional thing. Yes, there were worse parts to it but we will get into that later. Depression changed me as a person plus, I had anxiety on my ass making me have little thoughts in my head and they certainly weren’t positive. But again, we will get into that later.

When I got depressed I felt nothing, your heart feels empty as if it was a void you feel nothing at all. Being happy is impossible unless something really good happens. Then, I met my friends who made me feel so happy I can’t even describe it. They made me feel good. But the depression was still there. I felt nothing, my friends were just like bandages but it wasn’t the medicine that cured my depression. When I got home I had an emotionally/verbally abusive stepdad he was like a bomb you didn’t know when he was going to explode. I was on high alert the whole time, he said awful things to me sometimes, he did things that I was uncomfortable with, he would hug me without my consent, he was very touchy, he made comments about my body, and one time he touched my ass and grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t let go  (I was 12-14 at the time practically a child) it’s hard for me to write about this and I’m almost 16. I found escape through my friends and spirituality. I’m glad my mom left him because I don't know what else would've happened if she stayed with him.

Even now I have flashbacks of the things he said and did, I would say he was one of the main reasons I am mentally ill. However there are other reasons for that too, one time he and my mom were scolding me about my grades, and they told me “I’m useless, worthless, a disappointment’’, and that affected me. That's when I grabbed a razor blade and I cut my skin with it. It made the emotional pain go away, and in a way, it felt good. That’s when I first started self-harming no one and I'm not planning on telling people at all about this. I stopped for a month, then it was my arm next, I don’t even remember what happened that well and why I did that, I think my brain blocked it out of my memory. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy, that I was alone, that I didn’t deserve anyone, that I’m useless, worthless, etc. One of the main reasons I still self-harm now. I can’t stop it’s like an addiction, I barely do it. In fact, I haven’t done it in a month which is good but honestly, I don’t know how long I am going to last. 

My first panic attack was one of the scariest things I have experienced, I haven’t had one in a really long time. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I still remember being on my bed sitting criss-cross and hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I hated it.  Thankfully, I had my best friend to help me. Thanks to them, I'm alive. I wouldn’t be here without them. Back to the panic attacks, I was basically yelled at by my stepdad. I don't even remember what he said to me but it definitely wasn’t good. Later on, well still, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not going to say I have an eating disorder because I’m not diagnosed. Some days I barely eat and some other days I eat normally. It’s never healthy. I lost a shit ton of weight which made me develop a better figure, but some days I still feel useless and unworthy, and I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep. Which I have done before but, thanks to my meds I feel better and more motivated (which is the majority of the days). Thankfully I’m better now but I’m not done telling the stories.

August 2, 2022

Hi, so it’s been a few days since I wrote this but basically, we left off where I was talking about how my first panic attack went down which from what we know was one of the worst things I went through. A year or two before my first panic attack was one of the first times I self-harmed. Some people don’t understand why people self-harm, which is understandable. Why put more pain on yourself when you're already going through so much pain? The emotional pain can’t be compared to the physical pain you're going through. The reason I self-harmed/ sometimes still do (haven’t in a while) the physical pain is a distraction from the emotional pain. While yes it might sound stupid that you're putting more pain on yourself but the physical pain is a distraction or a coping mechanism from the emotional pain. 

  August 3, 2022

Back when I first self-harmed, I used the things you used to shave, which was scraping my skin off with a razor if that’s what it’s called. I don't want to place blame on anyone but, I got called worthless and a disappointment mind you, I was like 12. That seriously fucks someone up. When I was in middle school I started getting depressed I think the main reason was that I started to see how my ex-stepdad was and how much of a fucked up person he is. My grades went down, I was antisocial, I binged, started eating a lot, feeling tired, starting to self-harm, etc. My mom didn’t see anything wrong with me till I turned 14. That's when she started to see a pattern of how bad I got. 

When I gained a lot of weight (like 30 pounds) I was eating unhealthy and not working. The heaviest I got was 180 pounds which in reality isn’t that bad but, for me, that’s a lot. When I got up to 180 pounds I was very insecure. I hated showing my arms or wearing tight clothing. Now I am the complete opposite of course. I'm still very insecure but in that insecurity, I have a bunch of confidence. Most of the time, the confidence outshines insecurity. Yes, I have my days where I am most insecure but I managed to get out of that dark hole. The story of how I lost most of my weight is kind of a movie honestly. I went to this teenage party when I was like 13 and I saw a bunch of skinny girls just walking and dancing and I was that kid in the corner sitting there awkwardly I felt so out of place. I was like “No I’m going to lose weight” and I did. I lost 40 pounds in a healthy way. Then later since, I got used to not eating that much, I started obsessing about my weight and barely ate or ate one meal a day. I managed to lose 10 pounds. I don’t recommend anyone lose weight in a bad way, do it in a healthy way. Right now I am slowly improving. I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder so I am not going to say I have one. 

What caused me to lose weight the unhealthy way? My family ever since I was little liked to make comments about my body, either I was too thin, flat, thick, or flat like bro pick a side I can’t be all of those things at once. When I was like 8 or 9 my grandma monitored what I ate or if I ate food that was slightly unhealthy she would comment for example, “You're going to get too fat and ugly” like miss, I”m 8/9 like come on a kid should not be hearing this. They would comment on little things and most of the time they weren’t the best. Families are supposed to bring each other up not down. This made me really insecure and it still affects me to this day. When I was losing weight they would comment on how I was getting flat and losing all of my curves. Soo, that made me gain another insecurity and I’m still insecure to this day. 

Furthermore, I would like to talk about my anxiety (btw I am diagnosed)  and how it affected me, and how it still affects me to this day. It doesn’t affect me that bad but, it’s really stupid basically, it affects me in the smallest way. If anything happens like I get slightly bad news I automatically think of the worst thing that could happen, I often feel fatigue I don’t know if it’s because of depression or anxiety but I did my research and I think it’s anxiety it’s not medically diagnosed so I’m not going to say for sure it is. I sometimes think someone is mad at me for no reason or for the smallest things. Plus, if I do think someone is mad at me I overthink a lot. 

Lastly, I want to talk about my bipolar depression and this is diagnosed. It's very hectic and sadly it can’t be cured however there’s certain medication that helps reduce the symptoms of bipolar depression.  The funny thing is one of my friends told me you might have bipolar depression and I was like “Nah, I’m fine”, girl you are not fine. My symptoms included me being impulsive I did dumb shit I would not be saying what I did for certain reasons. I had days where I felt really happy for no reason and I was really hyper dancing, jumping around, laughing over the dumbest shit and etc. Then, I had days where I was so tired I couldn’t even get out of bed and function ex: shower, do my hair, change outfits, etc. Thankfully for me, it didn’t get as bad and I was able to sort off manage it without medication. 

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

23.06.22

It has been quite a while since I made a post on here. I’ve been wanting to for a few weeks but kept getting overwhelmed by how much has happened and where to begin. 

For this reason I’ve decided to share in dot point form

03.06.21 We began Cycle 3 of IVF at our new clinic. I felt confident going into this one as the new specialist was the right fit for us in both her expertise and patient manner. I also felt that we had a chance of getting more viable embryos because we had one in round 2. 8 eggs were collected, 4 top quality embryos were made and we waited for our PGD results.

26.06.21 we did a 7 hour round trip to pick up our puppy Kevin

02.07.21 I arranged for the result to be communicated to my partner as I was on placement and didn’t want to burst into tears if we got bad news. He got the call and despite me calling and texting him throughout the day, he would not give me any information. That was information enough.

When I called after placement he told me that none of the embryos were chromosomally normal. I cried the whole 1 hour car drive home.

-Our specialist was shocked. We were absolutely devastated.

-I had just started my Alcohol and Other Drugs 2 month placement on top of a team leader secondment in my current job and committed to the sleep, toilet and general training a puppy requires

I threw myself into work and puppy training, meaning I neglected any  processing, self-care or healing from the trauma we’d just experienced.

06.08.21 I celebrated my 29th birthday at placement and in another Melbourne lockdown meaning I couldn’t distract myself with friends or social commitments. 

-A few days after my birthday I had a really bad headache and neck pain

-After a week of doctor appointments, a CT scan and a hospital day admission I was diagnosed with Shingles behind my ear and spreading up my scalp. A migraine accompanied this 

-Mid August I put placement on hold and applied for a new job which I was successful in getting

30.08.21 I started my new job and a week later had a bit of a scare when I got another migraine and lost my ability to speak temporarily. An ambulance was called by my partner and I was diagnosed with “atypical migraine” and discharged. Continual migraines with similar vagueness, pain and aura followed me until February 2022 (shingles and stress were suggested as the main culprit).

15.11.21 had an appointment with an “Uterus Didelphys” specialist who asked me if we’d considered “being childless.” I cried on my way to the car, in the car and when I got home

24.11.21 we moved into our dream house and decided we definitely wouldn’t be doing any more rounds of IVF until 2022. 

January 22 Had an epiphany that if we want what is best for our kids as parents, how could I put our kids through inheriting my chromosome issues. Despite my partner being willing to continue with my eggs, I decided that using an egg donor would be our next step forward. He came around to the idea and I asked a friend who had offered her eggs previously if she was still interested and she said yes.

IVF was closed down in Melbourne due to pressure on hospitals and it being an ‘elective’ surgery *eye roll

11.03.22 Accounts session to discuss the costs associated with a donor cycle

16.03.22 First mandatory IVF donor counselling session 

22.03.22 Joined telehealth consultation with a nurse and our donor to discuss the process

30.03.22 Second joined mandatory counselling session with myself, my partner, our donor and her partner to determine we were all on the same page and raise any questions or concerns

31.03.22 My partner was diagnosed as having an ‘active case’ of CMV which is dangerous in pregnancy. Our IVF specialist told us she had never seen this happen before! Alas, IVF Cycle 4 postponed for 6 weeks until virus cleared from both of us (it was assumed I would contract it from him).

11.05.22 Found out through repeated blood tests that my partner never had CMV (false positive on the test) and our cycle was postponed for no reason. Given the all clear to go ahead at the start of our donor’s next period.

21.05.22 Our 4th Cycle of IVF begins and all precautions are taken to avoid covid-19 postponing our cycle again

03.06.22 Eggs are collected from our donor and fertilised. A few days later we find out that 7 eggs had fertilised and a few more days after that, 2 embryos had made it to the freezing stage. 

23.06.22 As I write this today I’m waiting for my period to start so our transfer cycle begins. We have 2 embryos, that is 2 chances of a pregnancy. Each transfer has a 50% chance of resulting in a positive pregnancy test. 

In a few weeks I’ll have a scan to check my uterus lining and have a blood test around my predicted ovulation date to time the transfer. I’m guessing it will be around July 18th but that will depend on if my period arrives soon.

My feelings towards transfer fluctuate. Some days I’m overly positive and some days I feel like it’s never going to work for us because it hasn’t yet. At this moment, I feel premenstrually grumpy and exhausted. I’ve eaten half a bag of salt and vinegar chips, have pimples galore on my chin and can’t wait to lie on the couch with my current read - Jasper Jones by Craig SIlvey. 

I want to make more of an effort to record my musings and appointments on here as it’s the only place I’ve been somewhat consistent over the past few years (a part from Instagram). I don’t care if tumblr has the reputation of an outdated teenage blog site. It’s the easiest one for my non coding brain to navigate.

Thanks for reading x